#and him only ever really bringing it up at his breakdown on the bridge was smth that felt incredibly realistic to me

[todds-rwby-liveblog]

personally refusing to acknowledge that canonically Weiss did tell them that Jaune killed Penny. Everything makes much more sense to me with them not knowing that detail

[walkingstackofbooks]

My vision for endgame Data/Julian which has consumed me ever since I watched Picard 😅

A few months after the Dominion war, the Enterprise docks at DS9 for a short while allowing Data to meet his long-time pen-friend, Julian, again. Julian's not doing well, but since he seems to enjoy Data's company, Data decides to take a couple more weeks of leave to spend some more time with his friend. However, Julian starts becoming more and more withdrawn and anxious, and after an incident one evening where he becomes agitated to the point of storming out, Data reaches out to Deanna to see if she can give him any insight into his friend's behaviour. She has some ideas, but also suggests that Data ask Keiko, and after talking with the O'Briens, Data believes he understands what's wrong. When he asks Julian if he's correct in thinking that his impending departure is what's upsetting the doctor, Julian's surprise at the question is enough that he answers truthfully - yes. To Data, the solution is obvious: if Julian is distressed by the idea of someone else leaving him, then Data will not leave. (Julian begs him not to make promises he cannot keep, and has a minor breakdown when he realises that Data is deadly serious.) After a lot of conversation, some favour-cashing, and the fortunate coincidence that one of Beverly's doctors was beginning to look for a promotion to CMO, Julian ends up transferred to the Enterprise: technically a demotion, but after so long having so much on his shoulders, it's actually a relief.

While on Enterprise, Data and Julian get closer and closer. Their relationship brings some difficulties when it becomes public, though: some see the fact Julian's dating an android as proof that he's not really human; others wonder how Data's affection can be real, and feel that if he were as human as he wants to be, then he wouldn't be dating an augment. Julian's parents definitely berate him for wasting all the gifts they gave him by marrying an android - if only he'd talked to them before the wedding, they could have adbised him against it! - making him a zillion times more grateful Data talked him out of inviting them every time he started to feel guilty about it. But that's by the by. They're together, happily married, endgame Julian/Data achieved, right?

... Wrong. I hate Nemesis, but imagine Julian following Data down before he throws himself into space, knowing he could probably stop Data from doing this if he asks. Data saying, "I know I promised never to leave you," and Julian shaking his head and barely being able to choke out the words "It's okay," and then Data's gone. And Geordi's trying to reassure Julian (Geordi's trying to convince himself...) that Data will be alright, he's got the emergency tranport unit, and they get back to the bridge, and Picard transports in, and Data's still on the ship that's blowing up, and Deanna's asking what happened and Julian's sliding down against a wall, horarsely whispering "I let him go..."

20 years later... Picard season one. I haven't quite decided when I want Julian to appear, because the idea of Julian fighting for android rights is everything to me, but also I kind of like the premise of changing as little as possible in canon... (Maybe Julian had tried to be part of the movement for android rights, bu the media had really latched onto his augment status and used it as another reason to discredit the movement, and so he'd withdrawn from it, as it seemed his presence was doing more harm than good….) So the Picard crew all return to the Riker-Troi household after the final showdown and Deanna welcomes them in with a "Guess who we finally managed to get in contact with" and bring them into the lounge where Julian' anxiously waiting. And of course the initial introduction is awkward and Julian's talking a million words a minute until Will pokes him and then over the next few days he's trying to keep his distance so that Soji doesn't feel that she needs to let him into her life... And meanwhile Soji is still, you know, coping with ALL the feelings and trauma that the last - what, week? - have given her and so she has no idea what to do with this man, who was apparently her father's husband, especially as she has no clue how he feels about the whole suddenly-having-an-android-stepdaughter thing. But eventually they do manage to have a conversation (/are forced to talk it out) and they get on so well and Soji realises how much Julian genuinely wants to get to know her for her sake and while Julian's terrified at the prospect of having a daughter, he's also delighted (and Will and Deanna make them both stick around for a whole while, 1. because they do enjoy having them both around, 2. because Kestra adores Soji, and the two are pretty good for each other, and 3. because, while they have kept in contact with Julian over the years, they also know how long he's been on his own for, and they want to make sure he's got a solid base and people to lean on. As much as Julian wants to be a good father, Soji deserves more than one traumatised, lonely man doing a best that would quite possibly not be good enough...)

Picard season 3. Julian and Soji are visiting Geordi at the museum when the Picard crew come along, and are swept into the action... Julian learning that Data's alive - kind of... Julian tenderly kissing Data before they take down the partition, telling him he has to win so he can meet their daughter... The two of them barely having time to reunite before having to rush off to their respective duties in saving the ship... (I have VISIONS of Soji and Julian working desperately together to find a cure for the transporter virus, while Julian's augment physiology has done something weird to make it that he's turning, but very, very slowly. Julian making sure that Soji is armed, and making her promise to shoot him if he turns too quickly. Soji telling him he has to keep fighting it and refusing to think about what it might come to. Julian realising he's about to lose control and getting Soji to restrain him. Soji despairing that she won't be able to find a cure by herself - she's not a doctor doctor like he is - and Julian reassuring her that he believes in her, she just needs to do her best... but most importantly, if she doesn't find it, it's alright, it's not her fault, and he loves her. Resistance is futile. A phaser shot.) And afterwards, when Soji's found the cure and it's been distributed, Julian wakes up to find Data sitting next to him and Soji hovering nearby. He tries to scramble up and leave to help the rest of the crew, but Soji informs him that just as he took longer to turn, he took longer to get better, and he's the last one to wake up from it. And then she makes to leave, to give the two of them some time alone, and Julian tells her that's nonsense, she needs to meet Data, and Soji says that it's fine, they've been talking while he was asleep, and Julian replies that now he feels left out, so she definitely can't leave, come here, sit by me, I'm not letting either of you out of my sight.

[quinnfebrey]

pls give me your review of Next to Normal London youre the only one i trust

do i want to talk too much about next to normal? yes, i do. 

some disclaimers: first, i am extremely specific about my opinions on next to normal, so if you're thinking "that's a dumb thing to say!" well sorry but remember ive been marinating in this show for over a decade. also, this is just going to be a review of the principle cast! i did see a cover run but i wont talk about them here (feel free to ask about them though if you like)

alright, without further ado here are my thoughts on each actor + the staging/general thoughts:

diana (caissie levy):

i thought she did a great job overall, but i didn’t love some of the vocal changes she made to the songs. she has a beautiful voice, but her version of i miss the mountains was a little too “i’m performing!” for me. missed the needed rawness of alice here

i did really like her change of softening “can” in “i love you as much as i can” though

her acting was phenomenal, the moment with gabe's baby clothes was heartbreaking. she also had AMAZING chemistry with natalie, and i think her version of so anyway is my favorite that i've ever seen

i’m interested to see how she develops further into diana because i think there’s room for more understanding in the more nuanced parts of her character. she improved a lot as the show went on which tells me she struggles with the humor and manic side to diana that is more prevalent in act 1

dan (jamie parker):

i think his singing voice is perfect for dan, but his speaking voice was so strange to me. i don’t know if it was him trying to act around the accent or his true interpretation of the character, but a lot of his dialogue didn’t work for me the way his songs did. like i would be absolutely in love with a number and then he'd speak and i'd be thrown out of it i don't know

his acting was great though, i really enjoy this goofier version of dan than the original version. he's more playful and i really like that it humanizes him more and also helps bridge the dan that fell in love with diana and the dan of today

he's also i think the first dan i've seen play the role with so much anxiety? like clinical anxiety, he's basically having a panic attack at the end of i'm alive reprise/during the break. i really really liked the nuance that it brings to dan

gabe (jack wolfe):

his voice is great for the role, and the way he looks too just fits with the character idk really good casting here

he was definitely less creepy than i felt the original version wanted him to be, i haven’t decided if i like that or not. i think it added more to gabe’s development as a character, but i think took a little away from the fact that gabe is not actually a real person

he seems like less of a comfort object for diana in this version as well, which again i don't mind but changed the dynamic. this gabe felt more attached to the whole family

REALLY good solo in light, heartbreaking sweetness in i dreamed a dance

natalie (eleanor worthington-cox):

i absolutely LOVED her. she was by far the standout for me in this cast. her acting was perfect, she clearly understands natalie incredibly well, and her voice is wonderful too. very good understanding of the purpose of the songs.

she made a couple dynamic changes during catch me im falling that i thought were strange, but i could also see that coming from her trying not to copy the original

i think her natalie is the most scared that i've seen it played, which worked well with this interpretation of dan. it all built up really well to her breakdown in hey#3

i also felt a stronger connection between dan and natalie in this version more than i have with any other, so light hit a lot harder

henry (jack ofrecio):

i feel bad about this one but honestly i really did not connect with his interpretation of henry. that’s the nicest way i can say it

he seems like such a sweet guy and his voice is absolutely gorgeous, but... that's kind of where my likes end

he didn’t seem to understand any of the jokes he was telling because he couldn’t make any of them land (and he’s a very comedic character so what happened bro 😭)

he was too “nice guy." henry is written in a way that can come off really insensitive and whiny and it takes the actor bringing it to life to get away from that. he just didn't seem to add another side to it

for example, when he says “then i’m sure they will be” during catch me i’m falling i wanted a little more… i don’t know, hesitation or disbelief in himself? and when he says “why do i get denied” i was just like my god bro she’s dealing with real shit, get over it. acb’s delivery of that line comes across way more as like. im hurting because i don’t know how to help you, please let me help you. this guy was just a whiny boyfriend.

again, great voice, but everything besides his singing either just felt very flat or was aggravatingly annoying to me.

madden/fine (trevor dion nicholas):

honestly i don’t usually have strong opinions on this guy. his voice was great, he did a solid rockstar.

his biggest part for me is at the end when he’s trying to convince diana to stay in treatment. it’s the first time you see his douche doctor mask fall and you realize he genuinely believes his way is correct and doesn’t understand why it isn’t working. i think he did it really well, i’ve never seen a madden/fine do it with so much anger but it actually worked for me 

staging:

honestly i applaud them for being brave enough to change this much. having a real set already helps me separate this revival from the original run

i think the lack of true set in the original adds to the tone of the show, though, so this production did feel very different and more concrete which made some of the weirder blocking not work as well (like during my psychopharmacologist and i). instead of feeling more abstract and conceptual it was like oh They're In A House

but i don't necessarily think it's a bad thing, i just think it makes it a slightly different show and a person's preference will probably just be which one they saw first. i'm sure people who see the london version for the first time will see the original and wonder where tf everything is lol

i also seriously missed dan wiping up during i’ve been (i know he still does it but the double bucket is SUCH an effective stage trick)

and i missed gabe's general parkour, again him really just owning the stage like that helps him feel like not a real person

my one criticism of the staging is that in my opinion it felt cluttered and busy at times

general pros:

the kids felt younger, particularly gabe (even tho the actor is older than aaron and kyle were?? he just looks like he’s 14 i guess), which i think changed the tone a little for the better. makes them more sympathetic

the band ROCKED. slight mixing differences but not unwelcome 

i loooooved this version of maybe. literally every second of it was perfect. 

general cons: 

i don’t know if british people are just irritating or something but the jokes were not hitting unless it slapped them in the face. they also seemed to miss a lot of references like the one to macgyver, one flew over the cuckoo’s nest, sound of music, but they laughed at the portland joke EVERY TIME? lmao idk

why the balloons lol cut that pls

i’m probably missing soooo much so pls send specific asks about anything in the show (with or without my opinion attached lol) and i’ll do my best!

[greenbergwrites]

hello me again!! I absolutely loved seeing more of the possessive!stucky verse and if you could share the parts you have from them in modern day I would die of happiness 🫶🏽

Oh, I'm sorry, babe. I definitely saw your reblog/reply to that post and totally forgot to post the rest of what I have.

Here you go, the last of what I had written for the blood in my veins 'verse

It was going to be called learning to breathe again, which I thought was apt

----

If asked, Steve Rogers would say that the world ends on a dreary, snowy day in 1945 while he clings to the side of a train in the French Alps. It doesn’t begin again until 2014 when he stands under a bridge in Washington, D.C., surrounded by chaos and facing off with the world’s deadliest assassin.

It doesn’t matter that the world says, “who the hell is Bucky?”

It doesn’t matter that the world tries to kill him, just days later, on a helicarrier falling from the sky. It doesn’t matter that it’s his turn to fall or that he almost drowns.

The only thing that matters is his last sight before he goes into the water: familiar, beloved bright eyes staring at him in recognition.

Steve’s happy to die in that moment. It’s a good way to go if those eyes are the last thing he knows in this life.

*

The world - no, the entire fucking universe - pulls him out of the Potomac. Steve doesn’t remember it and there’s no proof of it but it’s irrelevant.

His name is Steve Rogers and if he’s in danger, Bucky Barnes is there.

That’s just the way things work.

*

“You don’t have to come,” Steve says, standing in a graveyard.

And he really doesn’t. Steve can do this on his own. He’s happy to do it on his own, if that’s what it takes. But Sam is one of the few people in this new world that he actually likes and he isn’t actually opposed to company.

“I know.” Sam smiles. “When do we start?”

*

They follow Bucky around the globe for months.

Most nights are spent in different beds, most weeks are spent in at least two different countries. Sometimes there’s a backtrack and sometimes they go to places Steve has never even heard of.

In all the time they spend chasing him, neither of them catch sight of a single hair on Bucky Barnes’ head.

With every dead end and every dropped lead, Sam frowns and glances at him nervously. No matter what this new century thinks of him, Steve isn’t clueless; he knows that Sam is looking for the cracks.

Sam, the good friend that he is, is waiting for Steve to fall apart. To breakdown with grief or frustration or whatever emotion is a normal response to a situation like this one. He’s waiting for anger and tears and despair and he doesn’t quite understand that none of that is coming. None of that will ever come.

Because Sam is a good friend but he’s only ever known Steve Rogers broken. He’s looking for cracks, has been since Steve woke up in the hospital after Project Insight fell and Bucky disappeared, because he doesn’t understand.

The cracks were already there and they’re finally starting to heal.

*

In the sixth month, Steve wakes up to a draft in his room. The window is open and the curtains billow in the breeze, bringing with it the scent of the sea. There’s no one in his room with him and everything appears untouched save for a scrap of paper taped to his shield.

It looks like it came from the bottom of a receipt and on the back of it are three words.

Go home, it says at the top in thick block letters. The word please is written underneath, smaller, like an afterthought.

The handwriting is both familiar and foreign and Steve smiles quietly to himself, caressing the note gently.

*

“So we’re just giving up?”

Surprisingly, Sam isn’t upset. He is, instead, bewildered and very, very curious. They’re sitting at a cafe in the airport, passing time until their flight boards. Steve bought the tickets before Sam ever opened his eyes that morning and despite what his friend might think, he feels happy with this decision.

It’s hard to explain why he’s smiling, so he hides it behind his coffee cup.

“It’s not giving up,” he says truthfully. “Bucky asked us to go.”

Sam tilts his head, considering Steve with appraising eyes. 

“It’s just not what I expected from you,” he says after a moment. “You’ve been acting very til the ends of the earth, if you know what I mean. Didn’t think you’d let him call the shots.”

Steve snorts. 

Bucky’s been calling the shots for as long as Steve’s needed him to.

*

They land in Washington, D.C. at night. The airport is still buzzing with activity but it’s quieter, different than it was the morning they left. Nobody glances at them twice as they loiter around baggage claim for their luggage and Steve is grateful; he’s too tired to put on his Captain America smile.

Just as the conveyor belt starts filling with new luggage, his phone buzzes in his pocket. Fishing it out, he sees a text from an unknown number.

Thank you.

Warmth starts in his chest and spreads outwards, relaxing him just a little. He still feels tension throbbing inside of him, a cord that’s been stretching since 1945, but in that moment, it isn’t so unbearable.

Steve doesn’t bother replying - Bucky probably tossed the burner phone as soon as he pressed send - but he doesn’t delete the text message, either. Instead, he saves it to his phone, where he can look at it any time he needs.

“What is it?” Sam asks, making Steve look away from the words. He realizes he’s been staring at his phone for several minutes now; Sam’s already gotten their bags.

“Nothing,” Steve says with a smile. He pockets his phone again. “Just happy to be home.”

*

Life settles into a routine again. He and Sam run in the mornings, have breakfast in a cafe somewhere between Sam’s apartment and his. When the Avengers need him, which isn’t often, he helps out and when the remnants of SHIELD need him, which is more often, he helps them, too.

Natasha would be proud of how well he’s taking to the ways of her trade. He and Sam are soldiers first, good in a fight, but they learn the art of blending in; moving through a crowd without anyone ever remembering they were there. It’s new, this tactic. A freshly-bought pair of shoes that he hasn’t broken in yet but once he does, he has no doubt of the comfort they’ll provide.

It definitely makes their jobs easier, at any rate. 

There’s not a lot of big battles for Captain America anymore but there are more covert operations. Steve spends most of his time after coming back helping ex-SHIELD agents move through the city without being caught. There’s one last base in DC but its stretched too thin as is with half its agents gone and the other half focused on rebuilding. Besides, not everyone wants to stay with the organization that housed HYDRA for so many years.

So Steve does what he can. He sets up new safehouses, stashes money and weaponry all around the city, sets up a network of help for anyone who needs it.

It isn’t just their own government hunting down SHIELD and no matter what he thought when it still stood, he won’t leave these people to fend for themselves. Not when it’s partially his fault that they’re on the run at all.

He tells a SHIELD agent this when she asks and her eyes widen.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she says and then blushes, like she just remembered who she was talking to. “You’re the reason we’re alive at all, Captain. A lot more people would be dead if it weren’t for you.”

It’s the Captain rather than the reassurance that Steve focuses on. His smile, when it comes, feels brittle. He doesn’t bother responding and instead, hands her a slip of paper.

“Only stay there for a night,” he says. “Burn the paper when you’ve memorized the address. Make sure to dye your hair and put on different clothes.”

She nods and then takes him by surprise, hugging him fiercely for just a moment before pulling back. Her face is an even darker shade of red but she ignores her own embarrassment, straightening her spine and squaring her shoulders. When she meets his gaze again, she is every bit the SHIELD agent instead of the scared civilian that had been in her place moments before.

“Thank you,” she says. “For everything.”

Steve shakes his head. “No need for thanks,” he tells her. It feels mechanical, wrong, when he puts a hand on her shoulder. He’s still not used to touching people or having them touch him. “You’ll be fine, Agent. Just keep moving.”

She smiles at him and then disappears into the crowd.

*

A month after they abandon the search for Bucky, the gifts start arriving. Trinkets from France, Germany, Italy, Russia. There’s at least one every month and always from a place they know has been hit by the Winter Soldier.

“This is weird, you know that, right?” Sam says one morning. He turns the tiny Eiffel Tower over in his hands as Steve flips through a brochure for the Louvre. “He’s not even trying to hide the fact that those hits are him.”

Steve shrugs. “Why should he? He’s hunting down HYDRA, same as the rest of us.”

He plucks the Tower from Sam’s hands, placing it and the brochure on a shelf with previous ones. Bucky’s gifts hold a place of honor in Steve’s home, proudly displayed in the living room where Steve can see them any time he wants to. Sam doesn’t know it but the scrap of receipt holding Bucky’s first note is tucked under the music box from Russia. When he’s alone, Steve pulls it out sometimes just to look at it; just to see that handwriting again.

“Steve,” Sam says. “He’s a mentally fragile assassin that just spent the last seventy years being tortured, brainwashed, and forced to kill for a scary secret cult. He needs time to heal, not more death.”

Sighing, Steve turns to face his friend. “Did you ever think that maybe it’s helping him heal?” He asks.

“Yes, I have, actually.” Sam shakes his head. “But that’s not a healthy coping mechanism.”

Steve shrugs. “Lotta things in this world aren’t healthy, Sam,” he says. “Doesn’t mean people stop doing them.”

*

Bucky’s fifth gift and the first for that month - three months after Steve came home - is an expensive set of drawing pencils and three sketchbooks. It’s also the first gift to include a note.

I remembered this, it says. No signature.

Trembling fingers run lightly first over the note and then the gifts themselves. Steve lets a harsh breath, his eyes burning and his chest aching. He’s glad that he’s alone for this gift, that no one is there to see him shaking apart like this.

He opens the pencils slowly, reverently, and when he holds one in his hand, he feels a little more tension leak out of him. The rest of the day is spent ignoring the world in favor of drawing. His first few pictures are shaky, both from his own emotion and his unpracticed hand, but the more time he spends buried in his sketchbook - his sketchbook - the smoother things become.

His hand is cramping by the time the sun sets and his latest drawing has tear stains ruining his perfect lines and he feels, for the first time since 1945, like Steven Grant Rogers.

*

“I didn’t know you were an artist,” Sam says when he sees the art littering Steve’s living room.

Steve snorts. “Just another thing the history books left out,” he replies, bitter.

That pitying expression is back on Sam’s face and Steve decides to ignore it in favor of getting the lines of Bucky’s face just right.

*

The gifts continue to come and Steve’s shelf becomes an entire bookcase of trinkets. The Avengers are called on to save the world from an artificial intelligence named Ultron. They barely make it out alive but somehow, they all do make it.

Natasha watches him closely after the battle. They’re all undressing in Stark’s version of a team locker room, unconcerned with things like nudity when they’re all too busy minding cuts and bruises.

“What is it?” Steve asks her when he’s tired of the stares.

“You’re different,” she says. Her mouth softens into her version of a smile. “You don’t try to make the sacrifice play anymore.”

She doesn’t ask, so he doesn’t tell her that he finally has something to live for again. He suspects she already knows, anyways.

*

It’s been almost a month since the last trinket when one of their safe houses is compromised. He and Sam arrive on the scene too late but miraculously, no one is dead. The two ex-agents that were staying there are sitting on the porch, wide-eyed and shaking. Sam kneels down in front of them with kind eyes and a soothing voice. Steve goes inside to check out the house.

Broken furniture litters multiple rooms, one of the beds is upended,  the toilet in the guest bathroom is split in two. One hell of a fight took place and it seemed to span the entire house. In the living room, there are bodies piled one on top of the other; unconscious not dead. The only thing surprising about this is that not all of them are part of the strike team that hit the house.

“He was here,” Sam says from behind him. He comes to stand shoulder to shoulder with Steve, staring down at the bodies. “The agents said he’s the only reason they’re still alive.”

Steve smirks at him. “Still think it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism?”

“Yes.” When Steve looks at him, Sam holds up his hands. “Hey, man, I’m the first to admit that I’m grateful. But this still isn’t healthy.”

Rolling his eyes, Steve gestures at the two plain-clothed people. “Did they say where these two came from?”

“Yeah, Barnes left ‘em.” He gives Steve an unimpressed look. “Said something about it being a present.”

Oh.

Steve smiles, looking away from Sam’s piercing gaze. His trinkets are getting bigger.

*

It takes a few hours to get the HYDRA operatives secured in the DC base and to elicit a promise for whatever information is gleaned from them. He doesn’t know if he trusts the agent who does the promising but Steve will come back if he needs to. At least two of the prisoners were specifically meant for him, anyways.

When he gets home, Steve finds a pile of crushed metal and wiring piled onto his coffee table. It takes him a moment to realize what they are but when he does, he smiles; they’re bugs from all around his apartment.

Next to them is a note that reads: out with the old.

The words are very specific. Bucky doesn’t do anything uncalculated and Steve is sure that’s truer now than it was during the war. He begins to search the apartment but doesn’t have to get very far before he’s proved right. On the bottom of the Eiffel Tower statue, there’s a listening device.

And where there’s one, there’s dozens.

Steve puts the statue back without removing the bug and relaxes a tiny, tiny bit more.

“In with the new,” he says quietly, warmed by the thought that Bucky will hear him.

[hughesybear]

Canucks thoughts 10/30/2024:

The stars needed to show up, and Quinn was the only one on Vancouver’s side during the first Hughes bowl of the season. The Pettersson conversation is never-ending, but the Miller line also couldn’t do enough either (punctuated by Miller’s ugly PP giveaway that led to a Devils shorthanded goal). This is the situation where having two 1Cs should provide you with enough scoring when one is having an off night, and I have full faith that Petey will be able to get back to the player we all know he can be soon.

I just feel bad for Šilovs, who was getting booed in the third period (and the whole team, who got booed off the ice). Of course he could have played better, and come up with some big saves to bail the Canucks out, but a lot of the Devils goals were off of glaring defensive breakdowns that have so far been masked when Lankinen is in net.

Šilovs’ struggles at this level (puck tracking, point shots, reading the play, etc.) are things that are very specific to game situations and can’t really be effectively worked on in practice. He needs both AHL and NHL reps in order to improve, and it’s unfortunate that Demko can’t be here yet to enable him to get more development time in the AHL. (When Demko comes back, that creates a logjam of goaltenders in Abby, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it…)

Šilovs is also just 23 years old and only played 21 AHL games in his D+1 and D+2 seasons, missing out on crucial development time because of the pandemic. He has 12 games of regular season NHL experience and 10 games of playoff experience. He probably thought he was going to be the interim starter going into training camp, only for Lankinen to be signed after camp ended and for the fanbase to immediately put all their hopes into him after his first game. He was the reason Vancouver got to advance to the second round, to come alive with playoff magic again, and to see some fans repay that with boos must be a blow to his confidence. Latvian fans cheered him after Latvia got shut out 6-0 against Canada in the 2023 IIHF Worlds - the same tournament where he backstopped them to their first ever IIHF medal and was awarded MVP of the tournament. Some Canucks fans could learn something from them.

Canadian markets are always high-risk, high-reward. Quinn is an expert at staying even-keeled, which this team needs right now. Getting booed off the ice must be bringing up unpleasant memories of that unspeakable 2022-2023 season. The group that was here for those years is trying to prove themselves every night, and they’ve already known that their process hasn’t been where they want it to be for a full game at any point this season - they’ll work it out.

It was nice to see them having fun this Halloween after that game! Hopefully they got a chance to reset and come into practice today with fresh energy. If the Canucks are the team to extend the Sharks’ win streak to four games on Saturday, I will cry.

[not-scared-of-microwaves]

The Tortured Poets Department Review

Now that I've sat with it for a few days, I actually have some coherent thoughts on TTPD, though I won't know where it falls in my overall rankings for a while.

Overall

The thing people aren't getting is that this is Taylor Swift. This is, quite honestly, one of the most quintessentially Taylor albums she's ever released. It has the lyricism of Folklore, the sensibilities of Evermore, the self-awareness of Reputation, the storytelling of Fearless, the specificity of Debut and Speak Now, the vagueness and metaphors of 1989, the synths of Midnights, the rawness of Red. It's American Gothic. It's fictional. It's nonfiction. It's confessional, it's scathing, it's cringe, it's clever, it's more than a little crazy.

She admitted things in this album you couldn't waterboard out of me. People say it's the most unlikeable she's been, but it's also the most human. She's not censoring herself to keep her likeability. That's brave.

Fortnight [feat. Post Malone]

Do I like it? Yes. Do I think it should have been the album opener and the lead single? No, probably not. I'm planning on doing a track by track breakdown later, so I'm not going to go in depth on the lyrics here, but there are some interesting metaphors. You can tell she thinks she's slaying the "I want to kill her" line, and while she is, I don't think she's serving as much as she thinks. A vibe. On my playlist but not on repeat. 7/10

The Tortured Poets Department

The title track. This should have been the opener and lead single. It makes a much better mission statement for what this album is than Fortnight does. Who's gonna hold you like Taylor Swift? No fucking body. The production is.... twinkly? for lack of a better word. She's being specific and metaphorical, making cultural references, and she's self-aware--this is Taylor Swift, people. A vibe. Not on repeat, but only because I have others I prefer, not because I don't love it. 9/10

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

It's a metaphor, it's tongue in cheek, it's self-aware, it's heartbreaking, it's a bop. She knows the relationship is toxic and killing her, but it wasn't always, and so she keeps holding on hoping it will go back to the way it started. At the end, she accepts that it won't be going back. Lyricism? Peak. Beat? Peak. On repeat. 10/10

Down Bad

Incredibly real and human. She's reflecting on the feelings of being love bombed then left behind, how it feels so good until it really, really doesn't. A call back to New Romantics. The lyrics say sob, the beat says dance. 10/10 on loop.

So Long London

A track five. Does it live up to the name? I'm not sure. It's sad, certainly, but it doesn't have the rawness of All Too Well or My Tears Ricochet. It's more resigned and tired. She's accepted that the relationship has fallen apart and now she's just tired, frustrated, and ready to be done. Even if she's sad, she still has some control, and that makes it a little easier. Drags on a little long for me, but the flip of "so long" is definitely clever, and she has some very relatable lyrics, and I see the purpose to it being on the album. 7/10.

But Daddy I Love Him

Love Story's older sibling. Again, I won't get too into it bc I want to do a breakdown. She's self-aware but it doesn't help because she's just desperate to make her own decisions. Calling out conservatives and small-town churches. Cringe in places but that's our girl. Minus a point for the baby lyric being in the chorus instead of like. the bridge. Half a point back bc you SHOULD have seen my face. 9.5/10.

Fresh Out The Slammer

This has some juicy information, but I'll save that for the breakdown. Very metaphorical, but also specific enough we know what's going on. Excellent story-telling. Really brings us into the headspace she was in at the time. I don't have it on repeat but through no fault of it's own. 10/10.

Florida!!! [feat. Florence and the Machine]

Flop. The drug metaphor isn't that creative and while there are a few decent lyrical moments, it's just not that good and the soundscape isn't interesting enough to redeem it. That said, even a bad taylor swift song is better than a lot of other artists. 5/10.

Guilty As Sin?

I don't think I've ever heard a song approaching this issue (emotional infidelity) in this way. It's got all the hallmarks of a Taylor Swift song: pop culture references, references to her past discography, religious symbolism, an outro that matches the intro. It's painfully honest, unapologetic, and human. A bop. 10/10.

Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?

Mad Woman and Mirrorball are shaking in their boots. It's giving horror, it's giving Salem Witch Trials, it's giving a reflection on fame and its effects. It's terrifying, it's haunting, it's beautiful, it's heartbreaking, it's unhinged. 10/10 doesn't feel like high enough.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

We're at the saloon and I'm happy to be there. Another song that is quintessentially Taylor: country sensibilities, religious themes, self-awareness, story telling, change in the outro, bad decisions made out of love. Not my favorite but only because I like other songs better, not because I don't like it. 9/10.

loml

This may be the saddest song she's ever written. Two meanings to "loml" as there should be. She's heartbroken and it's breaking me too. Vocals are giving "I'm on the verge of tears." Story telling, religious themes, metaphors. It's scathing, it's haunting, it's confessional. I'm not crying you are. 10/10.

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

Lyrics are giving heartbreak, sound is giving bop. So powerful and relatable. Excellent storytelling, and tells us so much about her headspace. We know exactly what she's talking about. It's giving Youre On Your Own Kid. 10/10.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

The storytelling, imagery, details--all peak Taylor. It's scathing, it's haunting, it's Taylor Fucking Swift. Wild to me that Mattie Healy's family listened to the album and were relieved because it could have been worse when this was in it. This, the take town of the century, could have been worse. Legendary. 10/10.

The Alchemy

If one more person tries to claim this is about Travis Kelsey there will be blood. "Oh but the football metaphor--" she's been doing that for years. Miss Americana, anyone? She's weirdly obsessed with high school football. This isn't about Travis, it's clearly about a rekindled relationship, not a new one. Travis can't spell "heroine" (I don't think he's stupid, but his tweets have proven he cannot spell). Metaphorical, clever, and definitely tells us her mindset. A bop. 9/10.

Clara Bow

This song. The Lucky One, Nothing New, they're both shaking in their boots. A reflection on what it's like to be a pop culture woman, the lies they tell you, and the promises they pull from you. Taylor saying her own name in a song. AND it's the album closer. 10/10 isn't nearly good enough.

Extended Album

The Black Dog

The storytelling, the way she took a single moment of stalking her ex and turned it into a beautiful lament on what it's like to lose someone and imagine what they're doing now, then in the outro brought it back to that one instant--and people say she can't write. Religious themes, references to past songs, this has it all. 10/10

imgonnagetyouback

Before people go around accusing her of copying Olivia Rodrigo, this would have been written before Get Him Back came out, so no copying occurred on anyone's part. They each took the concept and turned it into two very different songs. Imagery, story telling, craziness, a BRIDGE. 9/10.

The Albatross

Story telling, metaphors, literary references, clever turns of phrase, a change of meaning in the outro. Either a reflection on the way she's frequently depicted or is fictional, most likely a reflection on the way she's depicted through a fictional character. Just feels a little distant to me. 8/10

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

Heartbreak, metaphors, bisexuals--what more can I ask for? All while she's imagining her ex moving on and thinking about how it fell apart. Objectively good but just not that interesting to me. 7/10

How Did It End?

Another that's objectively good but just not clicking for me. Story telling, metaphors, the lyricism is slaying. Asking how it ended through the lens of a gossip uninvolved in the relationship, but not being sure how it ended herself. 7/10.

So High School

Glitter gel pen. Objectively, not that creative or interesting. It's just a bit of fun. She's not taking herself seriously, she's writing silly song about how she feels like a silly teenager in love, and it does have some interesting lyrics. It's a bop. You know Travis heard this and was like "this is great babe I love it." Objectively, like a six, but this song has a choke hold on me for some fucking reason. 9/10.

I Hate It Here

Everyone's talking about the racists lyric and I swear reading comprehension is gone. Piss on the poor. This is for the girlies who daydream 'too much', who devoured books in middle school, who took things to seriously and too literally. 10/10.

thanK you aIMee

This song is so funny to me. "Here's thirty songs about my mental state and btw fuck Kim K." Serving metaphor, lyricism, and homicide. A mythology reference. A scathing takedown. 8/10 an icon.

I Look In People's Windows

I've not seen nearly enough people talking about this one. It's so relatable, honest, and unhinged. Storytelling, imagery, wondering what if. Heartbreak. I've never heard a song take this approach to these emotions. 9/10.

The Prophecy

The desperation, the feeling of hopelessness, they hit hard. She's reflecting on the repeating patterns of lost relationships, and how it feels inevitable at this point, and how she's willing to beg for it. She's losing hope, and willing to do just about anything to have it again. 10/10 devestating.

Cassandra

I am a mythology nerd at heart, so using Cassandra as a metaphor was a guaranteed way to get me obsessed with a song. She's serving lyricism, story telling, imagery, metaphor, mythology references, anger, sadness, what more could I ask for? Heart breaking. 10/10

Peter

Literature references, lyrics, heartbreak. Objectively, it's very good, but I'm bored. 7/10.

The Bolter

Storytelling, imagery, lyrics, literature references, the Bolter serves it all. I'm not entirely sure what it's about but it's a bop. I think it's fictional, but it's Taylor reflecting on her own life through the lens of this fictional girl. 9/10

Robin

I. Don't care. It's probably got great lyrics or something but I skip before I'm through the first verse because I'm just bored. Sonically, boring. Lyrically, the first verse doesn't redeem it. I've listened all the way through once and it was enough for me. It's not egregious, it's just not interesting. Flop. 4/10.

The Manuscript

I also skip this one but I have more of an appreciation for it than I do for Robin, just because of the subject matter. I have my theories on what it's about *cough* All Too Well Ten *Cough*. I like this as an album closer as well. French press lyric kills me. 7/10.

[wayward-lives]

Prompt list

Hey guys! This is all the prompts I had in my writing folder that I never got around to writing anything for. Some of them are just a couple of words or sentences, while others are absolute monsters. If any of you wanna do something based on one of these prompts, go for it! I'd love it if you tagged me or let me know, just so I can read/see where you've gone with it <3

"How about you take me out back and I don't call you tomorrow?" "How about I take you home after and you sneak out when I'm asleep?" // "You make a habit of sneaking around behind buildings?" "Last time I did, I fucked a cute guy. Maybe I'll get lucky again."

Nymph Bucky falls in love with a hiker who walks through his woods

Post WS. Bucky is in SHIELD custody and doesn’t remember Steve, but he remembers Natasha from the Red Room when she was a child

Vet Bucky. Steve is running from New York after the Snap and he hits a dog and brings it into Bucky's clinic

Bucky doesn't do relationships, but Steve keeps seeing him for sex and Bucky falls in love - friends with benefits (what's love got to do with it - Tina Turner)

College AU - Bucky is an international student who's paired with Steve's roommate Sam

Steve and Bucky are close friends, Steve is complaining one night about how annoying hook-up culture is, and Bucky suggests a FWB situation. Bucky's been in love with Steve for years and it's only when they start sleeping together that Steve realises that he feels the same way

Bucky recognises Steve during their fight on the bridge

Bucky and Steve had broken up, but they keep sleeping together whenever they run into each other

Shrunkyclunks: nurse Bucky works at Stark tower

"just friends who have sex sometimes and live together" where Bucky and Steve don't realise they're dating

Winter Soldier Steve/civilian Bucky

Pirate AU - Bucky's dad is a fisherman who takes Bucky out on trips. One day when Bucky's twelve, they're taken by the crew of the HYDRA, run by Captain Pierce. Pierce kills Bucky's father and keeps Bucky as a slave. Several years later the captain from a rival ship (Steve) is captured by Pierce and he and Bucky fall in love

A/B/O post-winter soldier where the mask doesn't come off and the WS is brought into custody at Avengers tower by Natasha, and Steve falls in love with him without knowing he's his long-lost mate

Steve survives the war but Bucky still falls off the train. In the 50's the Winter Soldier has a mission in New York and on his way is spotted by Rebecca Barnes's daughter, who's eight and has been told all about her uncle Buck. The daughter finds it so amazing that this total stranger looks exactly like uncle Buck and pulls him along to meet Rebecca, who has a breakdown and persuades the Winter Soldier to come home with her. The Winter Soldier just kinda goes along with it because nobody's ever been nice to him and this lovely woman has promised him meatloaf and pie and for some reason he knows that he really likes meatloaf and pie. Becca calls up Steve and the Winter Soldier moves in with Steve because Becca can't look after her amnesiac brother on top of two kids and a third on the way

Big Eden Shrinkyclinks AU

I hope it's warm in hell, because darling I hate the cold

My dreams look like you - Steve and Bucky used to be best friends during high school but lost contact when Steve moved away - they meet again at a mutual friend's party when Steve moves back home

Steve and Bucky used to be together and are both masked vigilantes. They have a bit of a rivalry going but the fun kind where they both kinda wanna fuck. Neither of them know who the other is.

Post WS - Steve and Sam move back to NY to be closer to the other avengers. Sam starts noticing someone following him and watching him and he soon realizes it’s Bucky. Sam starts gently trying to get Bucky to interact with him and starts buying him sweet pastries. Soon Bucky becomes more comfortable and lets Sam help him recover as long as Sam doesn’t tell Steve

(NSFW) Steve is a knight who often visits a manor house where a disgraced Lady lives. The Lady was disgraced for her promiscuous and sexual appetites, but she's comfortably set up in the Manor. Steve visits because the Manor's on a path he travels often, and it's one of the only places to rest for the night. The Lady always sends a group of her servants to service her guests, and Steve is used to this by now. Bucky is a new servant who works in the kitchen who's sent to Steve's chambers with food, and he sits by Steve's bed and hand-feeds him as Steve is serviced. Steve never takes his eyes off Bucky. Each time Steve visits after that, they manage to see each other

Bucky chooses to forget Steve and has his memory erased, because it’s too painful for him to be around Steve when he thinks that Steve doesn’t love him. A few years later Steve picks Bucky up in a bar and pretends not to know him

Prompt: My husband thinks that our parents arranged this marriage. We’ve been married for ten years now, and for ten years he has thought this. I’m not sure how to tell him that my parents wanted me to marry his older brother but I fell in love with the younger brother (my husband) so I pretended to be my parents and sent his parents a letter asking for his hand in marriage. And then the wedding invitations were being made, and it was too late for my parents to do anything. And I was very happily married to my Husband, but he courted me for two years after our marriage not knowing that I was already in love with him.

Steve falls for vet nurse and animal lover Bucky despite being allergic to pretty much all household pets and trying to hide it

Shrunkyclunks - a few dates in Steve tells Bucky he's Captain America, but Bucky doesn't believe him and thinks he's delusional. He doesn't tell Steve he doesn't believe him and has a moral crisis about whether or not he should be dating someone with such strong "delusions". Steve just thinks he's hit the jackpot with supportive boyfriends.

Pirate Captain Bucky captures Navy Captain Steve from his ship and holds him for ransom (very homoerotically) (steve is confused and horny)

Steve is a warrior in his village who's come down with a mysterious illness. The townspeople send him to the "evil" witch who lives in the forest to see if he can be healed

Weird a/b/o

Hardly any Queen Omegas, those who are a threat to national security. Bucky is the WS working to murder hydra and Steve is sent to take the same hydra base that the WS targets

[carefulfears]

Saw your tags on the Conduit gifs-- do you have any thoughts to share with the class? ;))))

i’m going to cheat a bit and copy my conduit write-up from my newsletter, which can be read here. and if there’s anything anyone wants to hear more about i’m happy to expand!!

5/ Conduit

To me, this is all that you would ever need to know about Mulder. Right here in episode #4 is a breakdown of every single bit of his character.

He notices everything. He reads a tabloid article and submits it as evidence to the FBI. Based on a location and a name that he recognizes on sight from one event that took place 26 years ago. He takes every story seriously, even the mothers that no one but the gossip rags will listen to. He pauses in the home of a missing teenage girl to bear witness to the photos of who she used to be, to sit with her brother and ask what he’s drawing.

He burns bridges with law enforcement that say it was “only a matter of time” before something bad happened to the girl that was “no prom queen,” and tells Scully that he doesn’t care if she comes with him or not, but he’s not giving up on that girl until they find a body. He chases a wolf into the woods even though he’s afraid, and shakes and tries not to cry when it leads him to a grave. He shuts Scully’s concerns about him down and then validates them quietly, tells her the truth about what his life is really like. That it’s walking into that room every day, expecting that one day he’ll open his eyes and his sister will be there.

He holds an 8-year-old boy who’s missing his own sister, and tells him that he knows he hopes she’s coming back. That he hopes for that too. When that little boy’s sister does come back, it’s Mulder that advocates for her and her right to tell her story and have someone to talk to. For her brother to know the truth. He weeps in the church of a religion he doesn’t believe in, and more than anything else, he wants to believe.

This episode is so special and so deep to the root of the show, there’s a reason why it’s the first episode to feature the “I want to believe” tagline. It’s because it brings it back to the core of what it’s all about, it shows us what wanting to believe really means. What the cost of wanting to believe is.

That it was never an assurance or a battle cry, it’s a desperate plea on your knees. It was never about aliens, it was about human loss and incomprehensible hope and one little girl’s safety.

[sharpnothashtag]

The Good Ship CrushWay, Chapter 64

Starfleet Command

Admiral 3: You don't suppose we could just tell them the truth? A1: And risk losing almost a 100 years worth of work? I think not. A2: Then it's settled. We tell them nothing. A3: And we just LET Janeway bring him back home to Alaska? A1: We don't have much of a choice. A2: How do we know he remembers? He was not in good shape when we last saw him. A3: If you only learn one thing, learn this: do NOT underestimate William T Riker.

Back on the Ohana, Worf and DeAnna in Ten-Forward with drinks

Worf: I am very glad he is better. DeAnna: Me, too. (pausing) Thank you for understanding how much he needs me. Worf: You need him, too, DeAnna. And so do I. I wouldn't be your husband without him. DeAnna: Again, thank you. I didn't want Will to ever come between us. (Worf does the Klingon equivalent of blushing) What is it? Worf: Do you remember that one night all those years ago? DeAnna: The one with Will? Of course, I do. (She chuckles, too.) What about it? Worf: I just thought it was funny that you didn't want Will to come between us...until he did. (DeAnna and Worf laugh uncontrollably. Once it's died down.) Do you think he remembers? DeAnna: That it happened or the arrangement we made? Worf: Either. DeAnna: (being serious for a moment) I'm really not sure. His mind was in such a state of disarray that I don't know which memories are intact. He remembered me on some level, but everyone else? Everything else? I have no idea. Worf: (seeing that she is still distressed) When the time is right, we can talk to him--help him remember. (Worf takes DeAnna's hand and squeezes it)

Bridge

KJ: Daneel, hail the shipyard. Communicate our unconditional surrender. Wesley: Surrender?! We didn't do anything wrong! Daneel: Wesley, we stole a ship-- Wesley: It wasn't being used! Daneel: rescued a political refugee-- Wesley: One of our own who specifically asked for help! Patrick: And someone committed genocide. Joy: (there is an awkward silence where everyone turns and looks at Joy. They finally speak.) It was not my intention, but the offense still stands, and I deserve to be held accountable for my actions. Patrick: We all broke some rules--now we have to answer for it. Picard: Agreed.

Hailing noise

Voice: Dock the ship at Docking Bay 7. (They do.) Prepare to be boarded.

Everyone on the ship comes along peacefully except Bev, who refuses to leave her patient.

Bev: He just had a massive mental breakdown. If he wakes up without someone he knows there to explain where he is and why, he's going to turn violent. Enforcer 1: (upset, but nodding) You can stay with him until he wakes up. Then we separate you. (Bev nods. The Enforcer, his face covered, helps her move Riker to a stretcher, covers him with a weighted blanket, and they head out together.)

Patrick and Picard are in one cell, and Bev and Riker are in another. Everyone else is in a cell by themselves. An Enforcer tries to take Little Guy away from Joy.

Joy: He is a service animal--it's against the law to take him from me. Enforcer 2: You are in serious trouble. When you break the law in Starfleet, your right to a service animal is suspended. DeAnna (from her cell): No it isn't! Enforcer 2: As if you would know. DeAnna: I DO know. I was on the research team for the legislative board that made that law. Give. Him. Back. Enforcer 1: (angrily) Lieutenant, that is enough. (gently, to Joy and DeAnna) We have to take him for now to make sure he has been scanned. While I'm sure he doesn't, he could have something smuggled in inside him. Once he is scanned to ensure he is safe, he will be returned to you. Enforcer 2: (incredulously) Major, you would have her have this canine to soothe her (mocking) emotional distress? DeAnna: First of all, Joy's pronouns are they/them. Joy: Thank you, DeAnna. I will handle this. Secondly, I am blind. He is a seeing-eye dog. I know those aren't very popular on Earth anymore, but he makes sure I do not confuse the bed for the bathroom. Enforcer 1: Lieutenant, you are relieved of duty. (Enforcer 2 begins to exit) Lieutenant! (Enforcer 2 turns) They're right, by the way. (Enforcer 2 angrily stomps away.)

DeAnna: Thank you, Major. Joy: Yes, thank you. Enforcer 1: (his head low, face still covered) Biquv told me about you, Counselor Troi. And yours (Bev) is the first face I remember seeing after the surgery. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, but anyone who starts a program to rehabilitate a species that has hurt Starfleet as much as the Borg has deserves it even more. And if all of you are here with them, you deserve respect as well. Worf (from his cell): You have shown great honor, fellow warrior. (Enforcer 1 bows to Worf and leaves.) KJ: Everyone, we knew the risk when we went to get him. We remain strong. We tell the truth. We make sure Will Riker is safe. Picard: Well said, Number One.

Riker sits bolt upright on his stretcher, panting heavily. Bev comes to his side, checking his vitals. Riker grabs her hand.

Riker: Beverly, thank God. Where the hell are we? Bev: What's the last thing you remember? Riker: (quietly, he knows he's not supposed to reveal this information) I had just been briefed on a long-term undercover mission. Jellico had just left on the Excalibur, and then... Bev: What about Faith? Riker: Faith in what? Bev: And Jean-Luc? Riker: What about the Captain? (loudly) What the HELL is going on here?! Bev: (grabbing his hand, quietly) Keep your voice down! Riker: (getting dizzy) Wait (We see his mind flash to Faith in a pleasant scene, immediately followed by her death scene. Jean-Luc's naming ceremony, Jean-Luc's death. The both of them together and happy, their deaths. Riker screams. Bev puts her hand over his mouth.) NOOOOOOOO! Bev: (pushes him up onto the stretcher, hissing) Will! If you don't keep your voice down, you and I will have to be separated. Do you want to be alone?! Riker: (weakly, sobbing) No. Bev: (taking her hand off of his mouth) Then close your eyes. Riker: I'm afraid, Beverly. Bev: (a tear slipping down her cheek) Me, too, Will. Now close your eyes. I'm right here. (she holds his hand as he pretends to be asleep)

Enforcer 1 returns, his face still covered. He slowly walks down the hallway, and stops at Joy's cell. He opens the door, and gives Little Guy back.

Joy: Thank you, Major. Enforcer 1: You may call me Kai. Joy: Thank you, Major Kai. Kai: (a smile in his voice) Little Guy did just fine. Now, Joy, I need you both to come with me. Joy: All right, Little Guy. Lead my way. (in their head) Will you stay with me in here, DeAnna? DeAnna: (also in her head) Of course. Keep me updated, Joy. Joy: (still in their head) I promise.

Once the door closes, Riker opens his eyes.

Riker: (in between deep, cleansing breaths) So, where are we? Bev: What's the last thing you remember? Riker: You all rescued me. How did you know where I was? Bev: Captain Picard told us. Without hesitation, we hopped on the first ship we saw and came to rescue you. Unfortunately, there just wasn't time to officially request it. Riker: You stole a ship?! Bev: And we may or may not have participated in genocide. Riker: (stuttering) G-g-genocide? (He faints.)

Picard stands up in his cell.

Picard: Kathryn, do you really think we should cooperate? KJ: What's our other option? Hostility? Because that ALWAYS goes well. Picard: For all we know, Starfleet left Will alone to die out there. They didn't send anyone to check on him. They listed him as DEAD, Kathryn. Patrick: I agree, Captain. I smell a conspiracy. KJ: I do, too. But we'll never get to the bottom of whatever it is if we don't at least pretend to cooperate.

Kai opens the door again and enters, his face still covered. He stops at Picard and Patrick's door.

Kai: Which of you is which? Patrick: I am Patrick. He is Jean-Luc. Which of us do you need? Kai: (clearly he is trying to make this less politically incorrect, but he gives up) It's easiest to just bring both of you at once. Patrick and Picard: We understand.

(Picard and Kathryn share a look as he exits.) A new scene. Dark room, Joy sitting in a chair.

A1: State your name, species, and rank. Joy: My name is Joy; I am Kaanori. I am not a member of Starfleet. A2: Joy, tell us about yourself. Joy: What do you want to know? A3: Let's get right to the point, shall we, gentleman? Are you a spirit or a host? Joy: A spirit. A3: How do you know Will Riker? Joy: I don't, really. I was born, and he was near me. I went to help him, and he said the best thing I could do for him was to retrieve his friends. Then I was on Earth. A3: What do you know about Starfleet's involvement with the Kaanor? Joy: I was under the impression that Riker was the first ambassador to the spirits or the hosts. Is this not true? A3: (surprised they don't know anything) What happened when you returned with his friends? Joy: I was drawn to a field, where I fought and killed my world's protector. Riker was there, and his friends rescued him. A2: You murdered someone? Joy: The person in question murdered my father because he believed himself to be superior to all spirits. I killed him. I did not know what species he was. I know that there should be punishment for my actions. Arrest me if you will--I will cooperate fully. A3: (...) Was this protector the last of his species? Joy: In a manner of speaking--yes. Do you not know about what happened? A3: (trying to cover) We do know what happened. We want you to put it in your own words. A2: (catching on) It is a Starfleet tradition when someone is convicted. Joy: (convinced, nods) I killed a Q. The Q, rather. I take full responsibility. A1: (giving it all away) You killed the entire Q Continuum? Joy: (crying) Yes. I only meant to kill Brutus, but instead, I have wiped out an entire species. A3: (looking daggers into A1) Joy, allow us to confer privately.

(Admirals 1, 2, and 3 walk out. A3 grabs A1 by the collar.)

A3: What is the matter with you?! A2: We wanted them to tell us what they knew! A1: Are we going to ignore that they are a being powerful enough to end a Q?! This Kaanor is more powerful than our flagship! A2: Why does that matter? A1: If we punish this Kaanor for genocide, who's to say that they can't just break out? And who are they going to go for once they do? A3: (letting A1 go) You make a good point. A2: They still committed genocide! That's a hell of a crime. They said themself that they knew they deserved to be punished. A1: This is not a stupid person. They're going to figure out what we've done. We cannot afford to let them know anything else. A2: You're right. We can't let them go. A3: No, we HAVE to let them go. If they are arrested, the crew is going to attack the station and find out anyway. If we don't let them know that anything is going on, they have no reason to poke around. A2: So what do we do? Send them to the Academy for basic training? A1: (realizing) That's a brilliant idea. (A2 and A3 look skeptically) We know they're already interested in doing that. What if we just say that that is their "punishment"?

Back in the room

A3: In light of your grievous disrespect for the lives of others, we sentence you to 8 years at Starfleet Medical. You will find the source of your healing abilities, and you will find a way to heal every known injury you can. Joy: (they stand tall, somberly) I shall take joy in my punishment. I shall learn to heal the sick and needy. I know I cannot right my wrong, but I can help. That is all I require.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

What about Mack with a reader who helps reassure him that he's real and not just a replacement for Mark? (Like during that one breakdown scene in part 2?)

"Something’s not right. You’re...” With a pause, you pointed to Mack’s nametag, realizing it showed his name instead of his ID number. Not to mention he had a tan jumpsuit as opposed to the blue one most crewmembers had

This was confusing. ‘Where was Mark?’

You intended to find him and get him to shutdown the warp core but...instead you took a wrong left turn through a wormhole and landed here--in a universe where Mack took over as head engineer, somehow knowing how to resolve all the malfunctions just from using the bridge control panel alone. You didn’t even have to do a thing.

Although impressed, this wasn’t the guy you intended to find. And his insistence that he took charge over everything had you concerned.

Who was he to tell you that?

“You’re not Mark..or are you?”

Suddenly Mack seemed very confused, his smile wavering as he put his thumb down. “What did you say? That’s..not my name.” He was tense for unknown reasons, blinking several times as he looked at his nametag, then back to you. “I’m...I-I’m not-”

“Don’t play dumb.” You huffed, folding your arms over your chest. “Who authorized you to take over his position?”

“Wha..y-you did! I didn’t take over anybody! I-I’ve...I’ve always been head engineer of this ship!”

“Really? Then what do you know about the warp core?”

“The warp core...?” His eyebrows furrowed. “I-It’s..operating as normal..I think..?”

“Mack, stop pretending to be him.” Your frustration was only increasing. “Only Mark knows what’s really going on, so I need to know where-”

"Stop bringing up that name!! I’m not...p-pretending to be anyone! I’m me!! I’m MACK!! Not Mark-k-”

Suddenly, his voice distorted and his body began glitching, forcing him to teleport around the bridge. Everyone else except you was seemingly unaware of what was going on.

You stood there in bewilderment, hearing his speech overlapping as he continuously glitched, clearly in the midst of a panic attack as he paced the ship, shouted at you, and sat on the floor in front of his cryopod. He was everywhere all at once, in both awareness and agony.

It's like just speaking Mark’s name was--quite literally--breaking him.

“STOP IT--what am I?!! Don’t say that n-n-name--this is--C̷HA̷OS̸--this is my ship!! AM I EVEN REAL--?!! You can’t choose whether or not I exist-t-t!!”

You realized how badly you fucked up by interrogating him so much, and you tried to get ahold of him before he completely shattered. Even if he wasn’t who you were looking for or the Mack you knew back in your timeline...you had to calm him down. You’ll feed into the illusion for now and find your Mark elsewhere.

Once he glitched in front of you, you took his arms and brought him into a tight hug. “Mack, I’m sorry. You are real. You’re real and you’re here right now with me.” You held him close, hoping he stopped freaking out so much.

His voice, although shaky, was no longer distorted as he hugged you back in a bone-crushing embrace, basically sobbing at this point. He didn’t care that he had an aversion to touch before; this hug was exactly the kind of grounding he needed.

“I-I can’t breathe, Cap.” He gasped uncontrollably, on the brink of collapsing as he clung to you. “H-Help...me.”

“I will, I promise. Let’s just sit here.” Together, you sat down in front of the console, rubbing his back soothingly as you tried to help him steady his breathing. He clutched the front of your uniform tightly, head buried in your shoulder.

For a few minutes he didn’t speak, just trying to calm his panicked breaths. You took off his beret to pet his hair a little, while reassuring the other crewmembers who looked confused that he was okay.

Slowly, he stopped shaking in your arms and sat up to look at you, seeming paler than ever. “A-Am I really a second choice? Or am I..a-am I just a fraud? Who am I if not-?”

“You’re my head engineer, Mack.” You offered him a comforting smile, cupping his cheek. “You’re real. And you’re a crewmember with exceptional skills and talent.”

“...I-I’m real?”

“Yes.”

Mack closed his eyes, taking a few more breaths to calm himself down. Once he did, he leaned his head on your shoulder once more, sighing. But he didn’t stay for long as he was drawn back to reality and suddenly realized how close he was to you.

So he sat up and put distance between you two, as if embarrassed. “I'm..alright now, Cap. You can let go.”

As you nodded and did so, he swiped his beret off the ground and put it back on, acting like he wasn’t just having an existential crisis mere seconds ago.

“That’s good.” You both stood up, dusting yourself off. “But...you see why I’m a better fit as captain? I may not know all these shortcuts and techno mumbo jumbo like you do..but I know my crew when they’re in need. I give them my emotional support.”

“..sounds like we should’ve brought a psychologist on board.” He rolled his eyes, sniffling as he turned back to the console, before his gaze shifted to you. “Could I..at least be your co-cap? You can always use an extra hand, y’know.”

“Uh-”

“C’mon.” He smirked. “Surely you can’t handle all of this on your own. Consider my offer as thanks for helping me out of that...freak out. I promise I’ll listen to whatever you say. That’s a-”

“”Mack Guarantee”, I know.” You chuckled, sighing but deciding to give in. “Fine. I’m still the big boss of this ship, though. Don’t forget that.”

“Never, cap, never.”

[olivieblake]

Hi Olivie! Here is part 3 (and the last part for now) of the praise I’ve meant to give you throughout the year. If you can believe me please know I did have every intention of making this short but…

Spoilers for One for My Enemy included.

BESTIE DID YOU PUT SOME OF BABA YAGA’S INTOXICANTS IN THIS??? BECAUSE WOW WAS IT ADDICTING. Of course I HAVE to bring up MashaDima because damn the angst they had was INCREDIBLE. Now I am a lover of angst (one of my favorite things ever I deliberately find angsty fics and books to read because I love pain), and this one definitely gave me what I wanted. There were times I actually had to stop reading for the night because I physically could not move on from it. Here is the part that like really made me have to take a pause for a night LOL I texted all my friends these quotes and I said “how do I recover” and I never did so enjoy what sparked a breakdown:

“Don't make this about technicalities. We knew a long time ago we couldn't be together, Dima, we knew twelve years ago we didn't stand a chance. We chose our sides, and now-“ “No. You chose your side," Dimitri reminded her, stroking her hair as her eyes fluttered open, meeting his. "You chose. You didn't let me choose, did you?" She blinked. "What?" "You married Stas." His voice was gravely pained. "You shut me out. You gave your life to someone else." "Because I know, above everything, you are your father's son," she began, but Dimitri cut her off. "No. No, Masha, I am my own man." He stroked a line down the back of her neck, loosely cupping his hand around it. "Why didn't you let me choose you?" he asked hoarsely. "I would have gone to you, Masha, if you'd asked. You would've only had to ask, and I would have chosen you over everything."

"I love you," Dimitri reminded her, and reached up, touching her cheek as she stared at him; willing him, impossibly, to stop talking, or even less likely, compelling herself to go. "I will always love you, I will love you until the day I die-and if you're the one to kill me, then by all means, you should know without a trace of doubt you will not have turned me away. I will have spent the final beat of my heart loving you, just as I always have. Only you, Masha," he said, and she bent in anguish, resting her forehead against the still-sluggish motion of his chest. "Only you, forever, I promise."

They are plenty more quotes that had me like that, this book was a gold mine for quotes that will live with me forever. Like the quote how his love made it so she could never be weak and how her love made it so nothing will ever stop him (who gave you the right to wreck me with these please). I loved how you kept bringing up the sun, the moon, and the stars for them too. It got me all emotional every time. And their end had me full blown tearing up which never happens to me. I was so emotional (even though I was pretty sure their ending would be tragic it still broke me) but I’m also so happy they are getting their forever in the afterlife 😭. They will continue to cause me emotional distress forever as they now live rent free in my head so thank you bestie. Masha is also my girl, I’m not the eldest sibling (although I do only have one sibling and she has disabilities so I’ve been the older sister in a lot of ways), but I related to her a lot and I just love her so much, definitely one of my favorite characters that I’ve read of yours.

Moving on from MashaDima to other things I loved:

Of course, SashaLev. Their text messages had me laughing so much (like the serum for blushing that was $74.99) but also just in general. I loved their little reverse grumpy sunshine dynamic, as a grumpy gal myself I always love that dynamic. I’m very happy they got to write their long story together 🥺. I also loved all the sibling dynamics especially with the Antonova sisters, they felt so real. I definitely know I have had a red sweater incident with my own sister 😂. Loved the bridge too and all his sarcasm. The last thing I want to talk about is the quotes that dealt with grief and struggle/growth.

“You are not incomplete because a piece of your heart is gone. You are you, an entire whole, all on your own. If you have loved and been loved, then you are richer for it; you don’t become a smaller version of yourself simply because what you once had is gone.” and “Strength comes from struggle. Each time we bid farewell to a piece of ourselves we become different than we were. But each time we rise again in the morning it’s a victory. Keep your memories. Keep your emotions, Keep your pain. Use them. Happiness, contentment, they are dull but persuvies lures. A rosy disposition only means you miss what's lurking in the trees.”

The one about loss really stuck with me especially because as I’ve said before I lost one of my favorite people, my grandma, this year and some days that can still be really hard even though it’s been since February. I had the privilege of having her as my grandma and to be loved and to love her and I will always have those memories and be richer for it. So thank you for that. The second one sticks with me because of how true it is. It reminds me in part of coming out of depression and the struggles with that but also just in general too. Each day we can each battle different struggles but every day we wake up and fight again. I just love those two quotes so much and they have been sticking with me ever since I read them, so I just wanted you to know they mean something to someone.

I absolutely loved this story and I can’t wait for its release with new stuff (and more angst 👀 as you said on twitter). It actually comes out right before my birthday so I will be treating myself to all the editions for it.

Unrelated by I also saw your last newsletter and a line about a “The artist doing the end pages is still confidential but hooooooooly shit, you’re about to get your minds blown, especially if you love a morally grey angel and her golden retriever of a reaper.” had me SCREAMING. MayraCal are my beloveds I’m obsessed with them you don’t understand, it felt like a dream seeing that tease lol I’m so exicted!!!

I apologize that it’s taken so long to do all of these once again (and for my inability to keep anything short) but love you hope is all is well, have fun on tour!!! Will be back to send more praise after finishing more of your work.

-Amanda ❤️

I’m sad to hear about the loss of your grandma, but glad I could be there for you, however distantly. I spent a good amount of time working on the style aspects of OFME for its rerelease in april and I think there are more lines in it that feel… well, extremely OFME, haha. I always say that what some people want from atlas is actually more applicable in OFME, which is more of a romance and leans heavier on angst as opposed to irony. I do like to think there’s something extra propulsive about it compared to my other works, so thank you for the suggestion I’ve laced it with drugs. a very high compliment

and by now you guys know that @polartss is doing the MOD end pages—WOWWWOWOWOWOW are you going to die when you see them

[thefanficmonster]

Is it okay if I request Connor Walsh angst with fluff hcs of him telling his s/o about Sam, cutting up the body, Sinclair, like literally everything while he’s straight up tearing up because he can’t handle keeping it from his s/o anymore</3

You got it dear! (Sorry for the delay) Enjoy! 💕

Pairing: Connor Walsh x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: SPOILERS for How to get away with murder S1 & 2, Mentions of murder and aftermath 'cleaning up' after said murder, Mentions of blood and violence, Morally Compromised Reader, Swearing

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance

He was a ticking time bomb

He was tightrope-walking above an abyss of despair and dread

And every second he held the heaviness in his chest confined behind his ribs, was a second ticked away at his composure

A second bringing him closer to disaster

The consequences could've been far worse if his breakdown had caused him to act on the first instinct he had after that night at the Keating house - go down to the police department and confess everything

But luckily, he didn't

He instead chose to kill two birds with one stone (no pun intended, seriously) and mend another bridge he's slowly been ruining

And that is the one between the two of you

You'd become painfully aware of how distant your boyfriend had become and never did you think he could turn into this cold person from the affectionate man you fell in love with

You'd tried to address it just for your concerns to be downplayed and overlooked, blamed on your own insecurities even which hurt plenty

But what you expected even less was for it to be incomparable to the other hurdle Connor threw at you

Aka his confession to all his wrongdoings throughout the course of the past year

Never did you think his change in behavior would be blamed on something as vile as murder but when you found yourself sitting alongside him on the couch, his teary eyes staring into your own in distress, you knew he wasn't fabricating even a single detail

The murder, the disposal of the body, the setup, the art of getting away with it

A pattern of events that by that point had occurred twice in his life

"Do you understand now, Y/N?" A sob shook his lungs after the long pause following the close of his retelling

Your gaze had long detached from his, fixating on the rug instead where the images he described manifested themselves

A pool of blood, a dead body lying in it, its lifeless eyes staring up at you accusingly

Shaming you for not feeling the way you should be feeling

Shaming you for still loving this man wholeheartedly and for being willing to take this to your grave with your lips sealed

"My hands have had so much blood on them, how c-could I hold you with them?" Connor's distress and sorrow deepened like the blade of a knife the longer you remained silent, "My lips have spoken so many lies, how can I kiss you without feeling disgusted with myself? How can I do any of that knowing you'd hate me if you knew the truth?"

That's the only word that really seemed to jostle you out of your catatonic state

Hate, you couldn't believe it - you couldn't believe he could come up with such an outlandish and absurd concept as you hating him ever, under any circumstances

But he himself seemed to be a firm believer in the theory he deemed as fact

So much so that he almost flinched when your hands came up to cup his face

His eyes stared you in shock while yours stared back with determination, "I don't ever wanna hear you say that again, ok? You hear me? Never again! I could never hate you, Connor. I could never feel any different about you than how I feel right now, how I've felt since we met. No matter what you've done or will do, I'll always be there for you. I'll always be on your side. Never forget that, ok?"

He was so far taken aback he could barely force a nod out but even the smallest tilt of his head to you was a confirmation that he understood

Your thumb swiped away a tear that escaped his eye and began its venture down his cheek, "I love you, Connor."

You've told him this phrase countless times before, always meaning it, but the weight it holds over both of your hearts this time, the power holds, it's way more significant and meaningful

It's a whole different kind of confession

It's an oath

An oath to loyalty and trust, promising limitless relentless love

"I love you too, Y/N."

[thetargaryenbride]

A break [Levi x Fem!Reader]

Requested by: @emmaandemmal  Hi, I love your works! Can I request one where Levi and his fem s/o have been a couple since before they were captured by the scouts in the underground? After the deaths of Isabel and Farlan, the reader tries to convince Levi to leave the scouts with her to go and live together in a safer place, but he refuses saying that he believes in Erwin's vision of the scouts and the two begin to fight badly. The reader eventually stays in the scouts because she doesn't want to leave without him, but the relationship between Levi and the reader is getting colder and more detached. The reader begins to think that Levi is no longer interested in her after noticing his growing friendship with Petra and she decides to leave the scouts thinking it's the best decision for her and for Levi. When Levi finds out, he tries to find her, but without success. Only a few years later, he catches a glimpse of her in the crowd after the scouts have returned from an expedition and he follows her. Once they arrive at the reader's house, she and Levi make up and the reader claims that she has been selfish in the past and that she would like to return to the scouts to fight against the titans and to claim the deaths of Isabel and Farlan. Eventually the reader and Levi resume their relationship and Levi promises her that nothing would separate them again. I'm really sorry that it's so long, if you consider this idea feel free to modify it as you wish. Sorry for my English too... it’s not very good. Thank you so much, you're one of the best Levi writers I know! ❤️

I’m sorry for the delay, dear. I was struggling with a mini writer’s block and was focusing more on art but I’m slowly getting back on track! Thank you so much for the request and thank you for your kind words. This really means a lot to me! As far as modifying goes, the only thing I modified is the timeskip. Instead of a few years, I made it one year. I hope you don’t mind ^^

Words: 4.5K

Warnings: Very Brief mention of suicide, prostitution and self-harm

Hope you like it  ❤️ Feedback is deeply appreciated! ^^

Also, if Levi seems OOC, please feel free to correct me~ I accept constructive criticism ^^  

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You were arguing.

You never argued.

But the situation that had befallen you made you feel all sort of ways and neither of you knew how to express those emotions, that stress, which is why it had slowly turned into a fight.

“You shouldn’t have agreed! We have no idea how the world above works! We’re going to fuck up, Levi,” you raised your voice, hands clenching into fists by your sides, levels of anger rising at Levi’s indifference at the situation. You knew that it was only a façade and that deep down Levi wasn’t indifferent. You knew he was probably worried just as much as you were. But right now you were so scared and you wanted him to just show some more emotion, fight back, shower you with words of reassurance, hug you…anything…not just stand with crossed arms, staring at you.

“So what, I should’ve let the bushy eyebrowed bastard send us in prison?” he raised an eyebrow as if challenging you to give him a good reason for your big distaste of joining the Survey Corpse. He couldn’t understand why you had exploded like that when he had agreed. It was the perfect opportunity for the fulfillment of your mission…Not that you had been very accepting of the mission either. Your paranoia and distrust always clawed at you, many a time ripping any semblance of reason and logic. But he couldn’t’ exactly blame you. He was similar in a way. He supposed that this is what living in the Underground did to you.

Living?

No. More like struggling, digging in the mud, to survive.

And the two of you had been doing this since you were kids.  

“I’d rather rot in a prison cell than a titan’s stomach. And since when do you trust nobles anyways? It’s mostly because of them that we all fester here in this dump,” you spat out and he pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a sigh.

“If you are so against this mission, why are you even joining?” he shot back and you choked on whatever words you had the intention of spilling.

You took a deep breath as you slumped next to him on the couch, body completely slacking in defeat as your anger simmered down a bit.

“Do you even have to ask me that?” you muttered as you stared at the ceiling, the hands in your lap fiddling with your fingers. “It’s because I would never turn my back on my family…on you,” you murmured as you straightened up and turned to face him. “Even if it’s the stupidest decision which would probably result in something shitty, I’ll still stick with you. You are all I have…I love you,” you timidly uttered the last words, casting your eyes downwards as a slight blush spread over your cheeks. The man sighed before his hands went to grab yours, successfully stopping your fiddling and wringing, squeezing them reassuringly.

“Look at me,” he ushered you gently yet firmly and you lifted your head, locking eyes with his. “We’ll be fine.”

You let out another sigh before you leaned, letting his arms encircle your form as he rested his chin on the top of your head.

“I pray that you’re right,” you whispered and just when you thought you could have a moment of peace, Farlan entered the room with a constipated expression. You couldn’t blame him. You were all beaten and battered by the soldiers and your ego was bruised, even though you let them capture you. And now they were all standing in your home or surrounding it while you packed the little of your belongings, breathing down your neck.

It was suffocating.  

“We’ve packed everything. It’s time to go.”

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You wanted to blame him.

You wanted to tell him – “I told you so.”

But that wouldn’t bring back Farlan and Isabel.

It wouldn’t stitch back their ripped bodies.

They were gone and the only thing you could blame was this world.

Because it was so cruel.

And the only beauty you found in it was your love for Levi and his love for you.

He had no fault. Nobody knew that things would turn out like this. That fate would decide to cackle in your faces.

The two of you stuck together like glue more than ever after that day. You even went as far as to disregard rules as you would sneak into the men’s barracks just to sleep with him because he was the only one who managed to chase away the nightmares and wipe your tears. And you knew, even without him saying it directly, that you were the only one who could comfort him when he was feeling the burden of the world crushing his shoulders. And Farlan and Isabel’s deaths really did feel like the whole world just crumbled on top of you two. The only difference was that you were more prone to emotions and didn’t find such a difficulty at expressing them unlike Levi who preferred to bottle everything inside, feign indifference and coldness and find toxic coping mechanisms like not sleeping which as time passed shaped into the ugly form of his insomnia, despite all the scolding you’ve done.

Time passed. The first weeks after Isabel and Farlan’s deaths, you had been inseparable. But that slowly began to change after the date of the next expedition was announced. Your paranoia spiked up one night after you had tried suppressing it for days and that resulted in a breakdown.

You wanted out.

You wanted to leave the Scouts.

You had even gone as far as to talk to Erwin and the Commander, literally begging them to help you with the citizenship matters and let you and Levi leave. But of course, they refused and Erwin even went to speak to Levi about this, not knowing that the man had no idea about your plans and wishes.

Levi was angry that you did something like that behind his back. He understood your fear. He understood very well because he was afraid too. He was afraid that he was going to lose you too – the only person he had left. But he didn’t appreciate that you hadn’t been straightforward with him regarding such a serious matter, only revealing everything you have done and felt at the heat of the moment.

“I’ve been dreaming about this since I was a little girl, hiding in the wardrobe, listening how man after man would use my mother every night. Dreaming about a life, safely tucked in the corner of the world, surrounded by beautiful nature, peace and quiet, alongside my beloved person... Is it so bad that I want this for us?” you had asked with trembling voice and Levi’s expression had softened, a sign that he had forgiven you for everything and that he didn’t want to argue anymore.

“As much as I want that too, we can’t have it when the titans are roaming everywhere, threatening to wipe out Humanity. If we don’t destroy them now, we are only delaying our doom,” he muttered as his hand went to softly caress your cheek, making you sigh as you leaned into his touch. “But that man, Erwin Smith, sees something that I don’t. He has a plan to save humanity and… he sees victory… That’s why I want to stay in the Survey Corps and fight,” he admitted and at that moment, you found yourself captured by that determination burning in his eyes.

His desire to fight for a better future.

Not only for the sake of you two, but for the sake of thousands of people.

And while you weren’t completely sure yet that you were ready to sacrifice your happiness and life for a bunch of people you didn’t know or care about, you knew that you were ready to sacrifice anything and everything for him.

And that’s why you stayed.

And he knew that. He knew you better than you knew yourself. But he chose not to call you out for this. Because he understood how you felt. He didn’t belittle you. He didn’t call you selfish or insensitive or a bad person just because you didn’t want to care about anyone else but him. What does selfish, insensitive or bad even mean? They are just vague concepts that are different from every person’s point of view.

And as more time passed, after every expedition, he could see why you wanted to leave. He could see why you didn’t want to fight. Every expedition, every death, left an impact on you, stealing bit by bit from your sunny personality and shaping you into a depressed, miserable person.

Even if you claimed that you didn’t care about strangers dying, deep, deep down, he knew you did. It was just the person you were, trying to convince yourself that you didn’t care about anyone but him in order to protect yourself. But on a deeper level you still cared and you were still affected and he knew that you hated feeling like this – it brought only chaos, confusion and misery to your mind and soul as you desperately tried to live up to your own expectations and build walls around yourself only for every brick to be broken as a comrade would send you a smile or compliment you or help you out with something. And after every expedition, he would gain a better understanding as to why you wanted to be selfish and leave. Why you wanted – why you tried forcing yourself – to stop caring about anything and everyone and run away with him – the one and only person who – you tried to convince yourself – mattered.

And he didn’t know why he couldn’t follow you. On many occasions, he felt the same. But somehow, for some reason, he would always find a way back to Erwin – back to the goal they shared for humanity. He didn’t know where that sudden loyalty for the blonde had come from – the same blonde who more or less had been the reason as to why Farlan and Isabel had died. But it was exactly this loyal bond that had formed between them that prevented Levi from following you and he hated himself for it because he could see how this life of soldiers was destroying you from the inside out and there were moments when he would lay at night and dark thoughts would cross his mind – of your body hanging from somewhere or him finding you drowned or with sliced wrists or a bullet stuck in the head.

It wasn’t uncommon for soldiers to turn to self-harm as a coping mechanism and some even committed suicide.

The fight against the titans wasn’t something to be underestimated and it left an irreparable damage on everyone.

And he could see you were heading that way and he hated himself for not being able to put a stop to this and just grab your hand and run away from everything – as you wanted.

That’s why he decided to distance himself from you. He thought that maybe if he started ignoring you, if he was being cold and distant, it would put a rift in your relationship. It would make you think that he didn’t love you anymore. That you were a painful reminder of the past. And once your bond was severed, nothing would be holding you back. Nothing would stop you from leaving. Because he was the only thing, the only reason, as to why you were still sticking around. And then maybe you would finally be able to find the peace and quiet you had been seeking for ages.

His conversations with you became shorter. His answers – curt. His affection and acts of service decreased. It had brought you to tears, thinking that you had done something wrong and it tore him apart when he caught you crying one night. But it was for your own good so he had to grit his teeth and bear with it never mind how much it hurt that he was causing you this suffering.

Him being promoted to a Captain helped a lot. Now he didn’t need to find reasons or excuses to not spend time with you because he was genuinely so busy all the time. The stress was making him snappy too so he tried avoiding conversations altogether, not wanting to actually say something hurtful because then he would feel even more pain and regret and that would have his resolve crumble and he would go back to being loving and affectionate which was far, far from the goal he had.

Then Oluo and Petra had entered the picture – two members fresh into the Survey Corps, graduated from the same trainee squad with incredible talent and promising skills. He had taken them into his squad but he didn’t know that this would be the final straw to put such a rift in your relationship.  

It was true that Petra was a bit clingy. Her infatuation, devotion and loyalty to him were obvious. But he thought it was a childish, fleeting crush which is why he didn’t find it necessary to confront her about it. He thought it would disappear over time, especially with how both she and Oluo seemed like an old married couple more and more with each passing day. He didn’t want to push away the members of his own squad. He wanted to embrace them. To embrace their friendship. On a subconscious level, he was trying to fill the gaps left behind from the people he lost. The gaps oozing loneliness and pain. The gaps you couldn’t fill because he wasn’t allowing you to in his haste to push you away.

And when one day he went to have lunch with Erwin, as the two needed to discuss important matters in his office, he wasn’t expecting the blonde to deliver such mortifying news to him.

“Look, Levi…I’m sorry to say this but… Y/N left the Survey Corps,” told him the Commander with a sombre tone and Levi felt his entire world shift.

Suddenly, regret flooded him, chilling him to the very last atom.

Erwin saw each and every emotion flashing in his eyes. And even if he wanted to remind his friend of the words he had told him years ago, he couldn’t.

Because there were things in this life that were impossible not to regret.

Like losing a loved one because of your or their own demons.

It was one thing to lose a loved one to death. And completely another to lose them because of your decision.

Levi didn’t utter a word, pressing his lips in a thin line as he swiftly stood up and turned on his heel, leaving the office with ebony bangs covering his eyes, shielding him from his friend’s look of pity and compassion.

He needed to think.

He needed time.

* . °•★|•°∵ ∵°•|☆•° . *

You don’t realize how much someone or something means to you until you lose them.

No, that’s not exactly it.

Levi cherished you a lot. Levi loved you a lot. You meant the world to him. That’s why he wanted you to leave. He wanted you to find peace. He wanted you to live a good life away from that misery and bloodshed.

Even if it killed him on the inside.

Because if you truly love someone, you would let them go if it was for the sake of their happiness.

But now that he’s finally gone and done it. Now that he not only pushed you away as a lover but pushed you away from his life altogether, he felt lost.

He felt lost and miserable.

As if life was drained from any sound and colour, leaving him to float in some abyss, soaking in his own negative feelings.

The sorrow, the pain, the dread, the loneliness.

If he had to list them all, he would waste all of Erwin’s expensive parchment.

And as he laid there in his bed, after thinking and reflecting on everything for hours on end, staring at the ceiling with an empty bottle of alcohol shattered into pieces against the opposite wall – alcohol that barely got him tipsy – he realized that maybe he wanted to be selfish too. That, combined with the regrets of pushing you away, burned at his soul, melting any doubts he had, like a blacksmith melting steel, and solidified his resolve to find you and bring you back, like a new sword being forged.

So next day after he had gotten all his emotions, thoughts and feelings in check and after he had taken a decision, he approached Erwin and asked for your location.

He was unpleased when his friend told him that he had no idea where you went off to. Part of Levi wanted to be angry and yell at him. Accuse him of lying. But he was so tired after the emotional and mental battle he had wielded that he just gave up on his anger and frustration and decided that instead of letting such negative emotions rule over him, he would brush them aside instead and pave way for that same scorching determination he had for the Survey Corpse’s cause, now combining it with the determination of finding you.

And he didn’t stop.

Once he started, he didn’t stop.

He would visit every town, every village, whenever he was free from his duty.

He never stopped looking for you.

It took him roughly a year to scout most of Wall Rose’s lands.

But it was during one fateful evening, after the Scouts were returning from an expedition, when he spotted you.

The sun had just set, allowing the sky to be painted in purples and blues with shimmering stars being sprinkled onto the canvas. The street lanterns shone brightly and the comforting light spewing from them had illuminated a very familiar form.

A form that Levi knew like the lines of his own palm.

He hadn’t wasted time to jump from his black mare and chase after you. He didn’t want to approach and confront you right away so he just settled for walking at a slow pace behind you, trying his best to not be noticed or come off as some creep.

He seriously couldn’t believe his luck.

Knowing your thought pattern, he believed that you had run away somewhere far. Back in the days when you lived in the Underground, whenever you had arguments – which was very rare – you would always run away from home and hide somewhere far, knowing that it would be hard for him to find you and nearly giving him heart attacks because of it. But this time you had decided to hide right under his nose – near Trost district which was not far away from the SC HQ.

He counted himself outsmarted and he didn’t know whether to be annoyed by this or proud of you.    

You looked radiant even in the dusk. The cream dress you were wearing made you look like a vision, glowing in the dark. It reached a bit past your knees, revealing some of your calves while the upper part left your collarbones in the open. He longed to run his fingers over your skin. Through your hair. To touch you. To feel you. To hold you. To tell you what an idiot he was. How he wanted you back in his life because he couldn’t exist without you by his side.

To apologize.

“Are you going to keep following me or are you going to help me carry the basket?” your voice interrupted his train of thought and he cursed lightly under his breath. You chuckled and stopped in your tracks, turning around ever so slightly, eyes finally landing on the person you were so anxious to see again but didn’t have the courage to approach.

He wordlessly took the basket from your hands and began walking next to you.

All the way to your house you stayed silent.

He didn’t even comment when you exited the District and neared the woods, only lifting an eyebrow.

Your shoes and his boots clinked against the cobblestone pathway, the little door of the wooded fence creaking under your touch as you pushed it. His eyes scanned the yard, taking notice of the freely roaming chicken, a few lambs, one cow and one horse – your horse from the Survey Corps. He could vaguely make out a garden peeking from behind the house so he supposed you also had a backyard where you were growing your food. He almost flinched when a huge dog – almost as big as you and him – came running in your direction, demanding head pats which you gladly gave.

Levi was impatient. He wanted to enter the damn house already and talk. But at the same time, a part of him was happy about the delay. He almost gulped nervously at the thought of the following confrontation.

Almost.

At last, you unlocked the front door and the two took off your shoes, putting on slippers, and moved into the house. You took the basket from his hands and placed it on the kitchen counter before you grabbed a rag to wipe the table and beckoned the man to sit down. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, taking a step towards the chair before halting, looking at you rigidly, and resuming his journey until he was finally sat. You clenched and unclenched the rag before you threw it away and sat across him, fingers now playing with the soft fabric of your dress. You looked at the ground and he looked at your feet, noticing your toes curling and uncurling from nerves even through the slippers.  

“I-“

“Levi-“

You both said at the same time and you chuckled lightly at the cliché situation.

“You first,” uttered the man and you gulped, sending him a wobbly smile.

“I want to apologize-“ you took a short pause and an intake of air when you saw his eyes widening as his features twisted in a dumbstruck expression as if he was unable to process why you were apologizing. “-for leaving so suddenly without uttering a word. It was…childish,” you quieted down and he closed his eyes, sighing deeply. “You were walking further and further away from me, getting extra busy with being a Captain and…and then Petra came into the picture,” you muttered but were fast to wave your hands in defence, “Not that I ever doubted your loyalty! My trust in you would never waver but…I just thought that maybe we both needed a break. We needed to breathe and clear our heads and start thinking properly. That’s why I decided to leave and give us some space. I never truly intended on leaving the Survey Corps or abandoning you…You mean so much to me…but I’m still sorry that I-“

“Stop,” he rose to his feet and you quickly followed, anticipation and fear at his next possible words, building up inside of you, making you feel like burning. “You don’t have to apologize. You did nothing wrong.”

That calmed you down a bit, the fear leaving your mind, but instead, worry settled as you looked at the way he lowered his head and bit his lip.

“I acted wrongly…I was foolish by thinking that pushing you away would bring you the freedom and happiness you sought,” he muttered and your face softened. “I just,” he sighed as his trembling hand went through his hair in an attempt to ground himself. “I just saw how impacted you would get after every expedition…how you started losing that glow of yours, your bubbly and sunny persona…I saw how hard you were trying to force yourself to stop caring, to be selfish and leave, but you still couldn’t because…because you’re not like that… damnit,” he grit out as he tugged on a few strands before letting his hand fall and rest against his hip limply.

He kicked himself inwardly. He was never good at expressing himself. The moment he had seen you in the crowd, the moment he had set a goal to talk to you and sort everything out, he had been reciting in his head and thinking what exactly he was going to tell you and how he was going to explain himself and the reasoning behind his actions.

“I just-“

“-wanted me to be happy…So you thought that by being a dick and pushing me away, you would make me leave so I can find my peace and quiet somewhere far, far away,” you finished for him, deciding to help him out which caused him to halt in his speech and just stare at you, waiting for your next words, the terror of you rejecting him or telling him that you didn’t feel the same anymore felt like a nettle rope around his neck, getting tighter and tighter with each second, suffocating and scathing him. “Listen, while you might have been partially right, you were also wrong. Because even if I do find happiness away from all the bloodshed, it just wouldn’t be the same without you, silly,” you shook your head as you sent him a sad smile. “I’d rather endure all the pain and suffering in the world than be separated from you,” you finally took the courage to close the space between you as you laid your head on his chest, arms slowly sliding around his torso. He didn’t hesitate to return the hug, sharply bringing you closer, if that was possible, and squeezing you so hard you didn’t know whether to groan from pain or chuckle at seeing him express himself so openly and in such a sweet, boyish manner. It kind of brought back memories from the days you lived in the Underground and how he would hug you exactly like that when you would do something stupid that would put you at risk, albeit a bit more awkwardly since back when you were teenagers you both had no idea how to express your love for each other.

“Deep down I knew you were onto something. Because why would you start acting like that so suddenly? It just wasn’t in your style. But at the same time I felt…” he tightened his embrace even more and buried his face in your hair, inhaling your scent and letting it comfort his tortured mind. He had missed you so unbearably much.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry,” he whispered and you sighed as you ran your hands over his back in a soothing manner.

“I forgive you, Levi…I understand that you did it for my own good. But believe me when I say that I can’t find true freedom or happiness without you by my side,” you placed a kiss on his shoulder before pulling away to look him in the eyes. “Don’t ever leave. Don’t ever try to make me leave. Let’s just stick together through thick and thin as we’ve done since we were kids, ok?” you asked and he nodded, leaning hesitantly. You met his lips halfway and you kissed gently which slowly turned into a passionate, hungry, heated and desperate make out as you tried to feel one another after a whole year of being apart. When you finally broke it off, needing air, you rested your forehead against his and let yourself soak in his presence. He did the same. You just stayed like that, foreheads touching, arms around one another as you swayed ever so slightly.

“Want to help me pack?”

[hangovercurse]

Nothing

Part i of the Without You series: When Colson and Megan break up, the boys count on Y/N to piece Colson back together, which only leads to disaster.

Colson x Reader

Warnings: Colson being kind of a dick, cursing, a little bit of aggression/ violence. This one’s definitely angsty.

A/N: This was supposed to be just a one part fic. Then that turned into 2 parts. And then 3. And then all of a sudden I had written 5 parts and over 10,000 words. Enjoy 😊 (also this is v unedited so if you see a mistake... mind ya business)

Word Count: 2084

| ii | iii | iv | v | vi |

masterlist

When you got the text from Rook, you knew it was probably gonna be bad. 

Megan just left him, for good. Not gonna be pretty the next few days so maybe don’t come by anytime soon. 

Your heart broke for your best friend. Colson had been really in love with Megan. And as much as you hated seeing them together for your own personal reasons, you could tell he was really happy. 

Ok. Let me know if you guys need me. If it gets bad I can take Casie for a few days. Take care of him for me pls. 

You and Colson had been friends for years now. You knew almost everything about each other, you told him everything. He let you crash at his place after your ex kicked you out, and you had spent many hours curled up with him, watching stupid movies to distract him from his most recent breakup or mental breakdown. 

But this was different. Colson told you he wanted to marry her at some point, and you knew he wasn’t lying. And you couldn’t blame him. As much as you hated no longer being the only women (other than Casie) in his life, you couldn’t dislike Megan. She was just one of those people who everyone loved. 

The thought of texting Colson crossed your mind, but you weren’t sure if it would hurt or help. From the sound of it, he was a wreck.

So, naturally, you texted Pete. 

Have you talked to Cols yet?

With Colson came Pete, or came you, you weren’t really sure. Somewhere along the way you and Pete had become close friends. He was like the older brother you’d never asked for, and he would probably say something similar about you. 

You couldn’t really explain it, Pete could read you like a book. And because of that, he knew everything. He was the only one to catch on to the way you sometimes looked at Colson for too long, or got irritated when he’d bring a new girl around. 

I’m heading over there right now. You should talk to him.

You rolled your eyes.

Not sure that’s the best idea. You guys are better at handling... all that. Once he gets a little less angry then I’ll take him. 

Pete texted you back a few minutes later.

Thanks for the support, kid. I’ll keep you updated. Just pulled in.

Good luck, Petey.

You tossed your phone on your bed, a sigh leaving your lips. You decided worrying was a problem for another day.

No more than 12 hours later you were getting a phone call from Rook. 

“Dude it’s like 4 in the morning, why are you calling me.” 

“Y/N, we’ve tried everything. He’s locked up in his room and every time one of us tries to talk to him he blows up. Literally he almost punched Slim a few hours ago.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, groaning at the predicament. “So now you want me to come over?” You asked, “What do you think I’m gonna be able to do?”

“Well he’s not gonna try and hit you for one. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but he’s significantly nicer to you than to anyone else.”

“What do I even say to him? “Sorry that the love of your life broke up with you but at least we can smoke pot and watch Spongebob?” I mean come on, man. I’m not good at this.”

“Please.” He pleaded, “We’re all out of options and I can’t stand to see him get any worse than he is.”

You moved off your bed and towards your dresser. “Fine, I’ll be there in 15.” 

You threw on the first pair of sweatpants you could find and slipped on shoes, grabbing your key and heading out the door.

True to your word, you pulled up to the house 15 minutes later, parking on the side of the street and heading straight into the house. When the guys saw you, they visibly brightened up. 

“You guys are such fucking wimps.” You rolled your eyes as you made your way towards the stairs. 

Baze chuckled, “We love you Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes and continued on your way, stopping by Casie’s room to see if she was asleep. To your surprise, she wasn’t. 

“Hey sweet girl,” you whispered as you entered her room, “why are you still up?”

She smiled a little when she saw you. “Couldn’t sleep. I’m really worried about Dad.” 

You leaned on her doorframe, sending her a sad smile. “I am too. But he’ll be okay. Your dad’s pretty tough.”

“I know,” she sighed, “but he really liked Megan.”

“Did you?” You ask, trying to gauge her emotions. 

“I mean, I guess so. She was nice to me. Most of his girlfriends aren’t that nice to me.” 

“That’s a pretty shitty way to measure if you like someone or not.” She giggles at that. “Don’t tell your dad I said that word in front of you.”

“Ok. She was nice. And she made him happy so, yeah, I guess I liked her. Not as much as I like you but...” Casie’s voice got higher as she dragged out the last word and you just rolled your eyes with a chuckle. 

Casie had this fantasy of you and Colson getting married one day, but you always told her it would never happen. 

“Ok kiddo, whatever you say.” You teased her, “try and get some sleep, okay?” 

She nodded with a smile. “Are you gonna go talk to Dad?”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to you later, okay? If you need to come over and talk or stay the night or anything just call me, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.” She said quietly. 

“Love you too, Case.”

You shut the door to her room, moving down the hallway to Colson’s door. You took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare for what was about to happen, and knocked. 

“I told you guys to go the fuck away.” A muffled yet angry voice said from the opposite side of the door.

“It’s me, Cols. Y/N.” You said, hoping he could hear you. 

When you got no response you asked, “Can I come in?” 

A few more seconds of silence followed, and then the lock clicked and the door opened. You stood face-to-face with your best friend. His hair was a mess, falling in his face. The bags under his eyes were darker than ever, and the frown he wore made him look even more pathetic. You felt your heart breaking. 

As you met his eyes, you gave him a sad smile. “Hey Cols.” 

Instead of responding, he wrapped his arms around you, leaning down and resting his head on your shoulder. You reached up and ran your fingers through his hair. 

He started walking backwards, pulling you with him as he continued to hug you. One of his hands pushed the door shut and he sat on his bed, finally letting go of you. 

You looked down at him, grabbing his hand and holding it in your own. It was something you had done before, you two were very touchy people and so half of your friendship was just you two cuddling or play fighting or holding hands.

“So we can do one of three things,” you started, “We can talk about it, we can cuddle and watch something stupid and pretend nothing’s wrong, or we can get high and do something stupid.”

For the first time in what you would imagine to be all night, Colson smiled. it was a very small smile, but you took it. 

He looked up at you through his eyelashes. “And by stupid you mean...”

You rolled your eyes, “I mean we can go set off bottle rockets in the backyard or try to jump off your roof and into the pool.” 

“Oh damn. I was hoping you were gonna say you would suck my dick.” 

Your eyes widened at his bluntness and the implication. You shoved his shoulder, “Colson! That’s gross!” You giggled, but his expression was unwaveringly serious. 

“I’m being serious.” He deadpanned and you furrowed your eyebrows. 

“Colson what the fuck?” Your mind was spinning trying to figure out if he was joking. 

You got your answer when he stood up, grabbing your waist and leaning over you. “I thought you’d want to...” 

You took in a breath at the sudden proximity, trying to back away from him but his grip remaining firmly on your waist. “Colson, stop. Please. This isn’t funny.” 

You could smell the alcohol on his breath and you had to keep reminding yourself of that fact. He’s drunk, and sad, and doesn’t know what he’s saying. 

“I thought you’d want to, cause it’ll make me happy. And you’ll do anything to make me happy.” One of his hands reached up and grabbed your jaw, making sure you couldn’t look away.

“Colson you’re being a fucking weirdo, let me go.” You raised your voice. Your heart was racing at this point and the thoughts flowing around your head were not pretty. 

You were always anxious for the day he’d figure you out. When he’d finally realize how you felt for him. But this was worse than anything you’d thought of. 

“You’ll do anything to make me happy because you love me, right?” 

You felt tears stinging in your eyes, wanting nothing more but to look away from his sinister expression. The way he was looking at you made it very clear that he was enjoying your discomfort, your embarrassment. 

“Colso-” 

He walked forwards, pushing you gently against the wall. His arms went to either side of you, his face inches from yours. You tried to look away, but his hand on your jaw forced you to face him.

Any other time you would have loved for Colson to pin you against his wall, but this was wrong. 

“Just say it. Say you’re in love with me, and I’ll drop it.” 

“Colson, what the fuck are you on right now?” You tried to steer the topic away from you, but he wouldn’t have it. 

“Say it.” 

You reached up to try and push his chest away from you, but he was much taller and stronger than you, so you did nothing. 

“Just tell me!” He yelled at your silence. A tear slipped down your cheek as you trembled under him. His face was red and his eyes were watering. 

 “Why are you doing this?” You whispered. This all felt like a bad dream, like a nightmare you couldn’t wake up from. 

“Because I need to know if she was right.” His voice got a little quieter, but he still wouldn’t move away from you. “I need to know if the reason the love of my fucking life just left me is true.”

You were shaking, your breaths getting shorter. “What are you talking about.” Your words were choked. The grip on your jaw started to get a little too tight.

“I defended you!” He yelled, tears falling from his face. “She told me that you were in love with me and I defended you.”

“Colson you’re hurting me.” You whined, trying to wriggle your way out of his grasp. He ignored your statement and continued talking, but his grip loosened slightly.

“And then she told me that she thinks I’m in love with you.” His voice was getting darker. “And that’s why she left. So I want to make it very clear to you.” He paused, leaning closer to your ear. “I will never love you. Ever. Not now, not in a million lifetimes. You mean nothing to me.”

Your vision was blurry from your tears, so you blindly reached out to push him away from you. His body seemed to have given up, as he moved backwards out of your way, stumbling slightly. Through your tears you could make out a smug smile on the man before you ran out of the room, slamming the door behind you.

You ran down the stairs, the guys waiting for you to give them good news, but their hope turned to concern once they saw you. You walked straight past them towards the door, not trusting yourself to say anything without breaking completely.

As you reached for the door handle you heard a faint yell from upstairs, followed by loud banging, and then silence. You sniffled, turning the handle and leaving the house, much to the protest of your friends.

[kakiwrites]

watching you get hit by a car

Genre: angst

A koutarou bokuto and keiji akaashi x reader

Warning: mentions of car crashes and comas!!

Part 2 here!!

Synopsis: they watched you get hit by a car right in front of their eyes. How would they react?

a/n: hey guys! So I was inspired to do this kind of morbid idea because of cliché movies and wattpad fics and like hey, we always see it in person A's perspective. Let's see it In person B ya know hehe! Let's get started!

Koutarou bokuto

he was in his usual emo mode.

His team just lost a practice match and he felt like he didn't do well enough to carry the team.

To cheer him up, you let him sit on one of the benches while you get some snacks from the convenience store just across the street.

You didn’t like seeing bokuto sulk over his failure so you decided to quicken up the pace.

You sprinted into the street, waving your hand to get his attention. It did gain his attention. It actually made him smile.

But that smile didn't last long.

Your boyfriend watched, frozen in his seat, as headlights suddenly engulfed your figure.

He wanted- no, needed to get to you, to save you.

But he was too late.

The only thing he heard was the car tires screeching then a loud crash.

In the middle of it all was your body, your skin patterned with bruises and gashes, your blood was splattered everywhere.

But bokuto didn't care. He ran toward you and pulled you into his arms without hesitation.

"(y/n), c-come on, open your eyes for m-me. T-this isn't really a-a funny joke." Bokuto's voice cracked while he tried to shake you awake to no avail.

Bokuto clung onto you in the middle of the street as people around him start swarming to try and get a glimpse of the accident.

the driver was standing over him, crying and apologizing but the ace couldn't hear him.

Bokuto just sat there with tears streaking down his cheeks, his usual bright and shining eyes now reduced to a dark dull.

Not long after, an ambulance came and took you to the nearest hospital.

you were rushed to the emergency room and bokuto had to sit out In the hallway.

It was then he called akaashi and his other friends.

The team rushed to get there as quick as they could and what they saw hurt their hearts.

You were laid in bed peacefully, wires attached to you, the silence was filled by the beep of your heart monitor.

bokuto was seated beside you, staring at you with empty eyes as his hand gripped onto your cold ones.

The team couldn't get bokuto to leave your side for even a few minutes. He even refused to go to school.

If he wasn't in his emo mode, you wouldn't have run so recklessly and you wouldn't be in this hospital, to begin with.

It was all his fault.

all he could do was just stay there and wait until you awoke and smile at him like you usually do.

Without you, He became an entirely different person. he became cold and silent. Entirely different.

The volleyball team and his friends could only hope that you wake up soon to bring the bokuto they cherish back.

Keiji akaashi

He wasn’t feeling well.

He went out on a date with you and he just wasn't feeling good.

He should've just admitted that he wanted to stay home and cuddle with you.

He was irritated but not at you. Never at you.

"keiji, are you okay?" you asked as you tried to catch up to his pace.

"just wanna go home." he mumbled, almost incoherently, under his breath.

He suddenly turned into a corner and walked onto the street as he rubbed the bridge of his nose to relieve his growing headache.

He didn't see the car heading right toward him.

You didn't know what else to do.

You panicked and ran as fast as you could, pushing keiji to the curb just in time.

But you weren't so lucky.

Akaashi tumbled to the ground and was about to snap at you when he heard tires screeching and screams behind him.

No. nononono.

He slowly turned his head to see you on the ground, cuts littered on your body.

The driver was beside you in a minute and was calling an ambulance but akaashi could care less.

All he could see was your limp and seemingly lifeless body.

there was only one thought on his mind.

It was all his fault.

He pushed the driver out of the way then knelt beside you, trying to shake you awake.

"l-love open your eyes for m-me. I-I'm sorry." he mumbled as tears pricked his eyes.

A minute later, The ambulance arrived and took you to the hospital.

He gathered the courage to shakily call up bokuto and your parents, telling them your state.

You were in a coma.

Bokuto arrived as soon as he could.

This was the first time bokuto experienced akaashi having a full-on breakdown.

Akaashi sobbed and sobbed until his throat felt dry and tears ran down his cheeks no more.

Ever since that day, akaashi became colder and more distant.

Without your warmth guiding him, he felt lost.

He stopped trying to bond with his teammates. It was as if he just… gave up.

Without you in his life, akaashi felt there wasn't a need to try anymore.

Maybe everything would change when you wake up from your long slumber.

But for now, everything just felt like a blur to the once observant setter.

I got too carried away!! Hope you guys still enjoyed it nonetheless! Did I break your hearts yet? Anyway, requests are open so please don't be shy to leave anything in my inbox, especially if you want a part 2 to smth! Love you guys 💖💕❤️

General taglist (don’t be shy to comment your tumblr @ below): @tokyoghoose @macaronnv @reogou @midnightangelfox @wumboho @seiijixcia

[demonslayedher]

Kanao: Did Tanjiro Give Her A Weakness?

Kanao already reached the Tsuchinoto rank (5th of 10) within about 1.5 months* of passing the Final Selection but then only progressed to Hinoto (7th of 10) over the following 10 months or so.* Why the slow-down? I've got a handful of possible ideas but no indication of if any of them would be true. *(According to my timeline estimates.)

In the extra chapter in Volume 7 about all the suffering in Kanao's past, Kanao snaps. All of a sudden, she stops feeling anything. She doesn't think for herself at all, only doing things as she's told.

According to the Taisho Secret at the end of Chapter 163, Kanao learned Flower Breathing by observation, though neither Kanae or Shinobu approved of this. She entered the Final Selection without permission. Although, as Tanjiro puts it, the voice of Kanao's heart is very small, Kanao had a growing sense that she couldn't forgive demons for how they orphaned her housemates and took Shinobu's parents, sister, and Tsuguko from her. Straight from Word of God-touge, fighting demons is Kanao's will. However, Shinobu at first worries that it's not really something Kanao felt that deeply about, and admonishes her simply to not falter or overthink things, and just cut off demon's heads. I suspect she declared Kanao her Tsuguko immediately as a means of keeping an eye on her, and that she had to enforce a professional distance that she otherwise never would had wanted to impose on Kanao. I suspect that Kanao did not only observe Kanae; Shinobu may very well have had other Flower Breath users among her Tsuguko. We don't know how involved the Tsuguko were in the Butterfly Mansion household; I suspect there was a bit of professional emotional distance, seeing as how Kanao goes from referring to Shinobu as her sister to referring to her as her master. None of the other Butterfly Mansion girls ever use such close terms of endearment to Shinobu. Although Kanao did enter the Corp of her own accord (feeling nothing, except perhaps "demons are bad, I should get rid of them"), she still is in a pretty broken, unfeeling state. When she's not on missions or training, she's content to sit somewhere and stare off into the sun (Kanao, your eyes, take care of your precious eyes!!). And since she doesn't need to think about anything besides cutting off demon heads, and she doesn't mind any fear or suffering, she probably goes about her missions in a manner similar to how Muichiro did in that whirlwind two-month journey to becoming a Pillar. The "I don't care (but actually I just hate you)" method of demon slaying, apparently pretty effective. While we don't know how the rate of climbing the ranks is calculated, I suspect that Flower Breathing stresses evasion (see here and here), so Kanao likely doesn’t spend at much time down with injury, and therefore she took a lot more missions. And, being in a Pillar’s household, she might have had a Nichirin blade she could use right away to start taking missions while hers was being made, giving her at least a 10-day leg up on the others in her Final Selection batch. Likewise, being in the company of a Pillar, she’s probably gone straight into fighting higher level demons. And who knows? Maybe being declared a Tsuguko also adds to rank? But then Tanjiro turns her world upside-down at the flip of a coin, like how Shinobu throwing coins around a bridge changed her life years before. And, little by little, the voice of Kanao's heart starts growing stronger. While before Kanao was happy to simply stare off at the sun, Fanbook #1 tells us she's started looking at the world around her afresh. Bubbles!! Blowing bubbles is her new hobby. And she might not be good at treating injuries, but she goes on errands now for the Butterfly Mansion and likes bringing back candy and other small gifts for everyone. Look, it's even fun to poke the paw pads on cats! Beans! (Seeing as Shinobu doesn't like furry creatures (yet somehow puts up with Inosuke), Kanao probably only interacts with cats on her errands, and I'll bet Shinobu and Aoi both stay on pins and needles wondering what's taking her so long out there on her own). Kanao's even started to try helping with cooking! In one of the light novels, we see her go to Aoi for help, asking her to teach her new recipes. And, a few months into this bright new outlook on the world where she actually takes and interest in things and forms her own opinions, the Uzui Incident happens, and Kanao, at least by Kanao's standards, flamboyantly stands up to him. It was a terrifyingly bigger and more complicated decision than she's ever faced in battle. So here's a question:

Can a Corp member be

punished for anything by being downgraded a rank? Was there any repercussion to interfering with a Pillar's demon slaying mission? That might explain some of the sudden slow-down in Kanao's dramatic rate of promotion. What might also be possible is that a different Pillar, Shinobu, was concerned about the speed with which she advanced, especially seeing how emotionally stunted Muichiro was despite his skills, and how he wound up in more and more dangerous situations because of his rank. Even if Shinobu recognizes (perhaps with some surprise) that Kanao is innately talented, she's no genius, and she can't simply survive by cutting off heads as she climbs the ranks. Shinobu perhaps puts her foot down against Kanao's advancement to make sure there is time to focus on other aspects Kanao needs to mature in, and Oyakata-sama would probably be pretty understanding of that. This sort of request may be allowed purely because of the nature of the Hashira-Tsuguko relationship, regardless of the reason, who knows. But what it also might be is that as Kanao starts feeling things, she starts feeling all the things. Whereas before she might never had cared enough to be affected by fear or pain or sadness or weariness, just as she's seeing the simple tiny pleasures of life with fresh eyes, perhaps she's lost the natural armor she had against these other feelings. And, given the reasons why she snapped in the first place, it may be an especially confusing process for her to have to deal with these negative feelings in a healthier way. That's got to have a negative impact on her effectiveness in battle, and if it ever breaks her focus (though I don't see any evidence of this ever happening), it could be something that leads to injuries, which would decrease her number of missions (but, given her mastery of Breath technique and Functional Recovery Training, she's probably quick to recover). Even if Kanao doesn't get to the point of having breakdowns, people like Shinobu and Oyakata-sama would be keen enough of her development as a person that they might slow down how often she's assigned missions, as she requires that time to work at her new interests and becoming a more whole person. They've probably been watching over her without her even being aware of it, and as Shinobu perhaps devotes more and more time to her research, Kanao supposes that's the reason for her own slow-down in missions. If Master is busy, then the Tsuguko should merely help out and keep training. And it's not as if Kanao enjoys slaying demons; she's probably happily distracted with all these new things she finds she enjoys. She's probably never cared about promotion anyway. But, would Kanao have blown through the ranks if Tanjiro hadn't unwittingly derailed her so dramatically?

As an aside, the aforementioned Taisho Secret also states that Kanao joined the Corp because unlike Aoi, she wasn't good at treating injuries. Yet in the extended epilogue comic in Fanbook #2 Tanjiro says she's a fantastic doctor??? Hmm???? When?? How????? Can she see well enough to administer medicine safely?? Umm? Aoi? Please supervise her???? No offense, Kanao, but--where---did--this--come--from???????