#and hey man idk if i can keep doing it
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#anyways hahahahaha#i know i literally just got to meet phil#after a LIFETIME fixation#and have so much fun at the show#and i know it was HUGE and so wonderful and im so grateful that i got to be there at all muchless meet them#and everyone was so nice to me even tho i didnt have much energy to give them#and i know it sounds stupid and whiny#but god#i am so FUCKING BURNT OUT#ive been riding on fumes for weeks#really for years but im at an exceptionally thin spot rn#and i cant get thru an hour without crying for no reason#im shaking with exhaustion no matter how much i sleep#and lord i sleep a lot lately#all of my hobbies and interests are just kinda there peripherally#nothing interests me and the things that do interest me exhaust me to even think about doing#its been work home work home work home in an increasingly agonizing cycle for the last little bit#and hey man idk if i can keep doing it#ive been working fulltime for 13 years#the longest ive been unemployed was 5 months (?) and not even consecutively#and i was still doing side jobs then#everything is passing in a haze because I have no energy to extend to it#its everything i can do to get myself up in the morning and drag through my work day#i was at the show last night. that ive been wanting to go to since i was 8#i got to meet phil after 16 years#i got to hug them both#and see a lovely show#and the entire time i just felt numb and exhausted and was aching to just go home and sleep so i could shut off#not to kink post on main#but i used to heavily lean on dom/sub dynamics so that i could have someone else be in charge for at least ONE aspect of my fucking life
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sorry but no one can convince me that t is giving buck head. he'd be like. 😐🫤 evan, your dick is too big, can't i just give you a handy instead? and buck being the little people pleaser that he is would just be like. 😟😔 yeah...yeah okay that's fine...
#strong believer of the buck is not sexually satisfied with t#like once the novelty of being with a guy for the first time wore off#hes just not getting much of their relationship anymore#obviously he like being with a guy and discovering all the new acts and feelings and positions they can do#like okay t said hes just trying to keep up with buck in that deleted scene right#but idk man i fully believe thats buck figuring out he loves giving bjs and being like can i suck you dick hey hey can i suck your dick rn#or getting fucked (im a taylor pegged him truther but shhh) and hes just eager to do these things a lot because hes never done them before#i really dont think that that means t is matching his energy (because when has he ever)#like okay sorry im subjecting yall to this#but i imagine buck basically writhing on the bed like a cat in heat and t is just like uhhhh 🧍♂️ i can fuck you ig#(shhhh ik t is a gay man but yall be so serious the daddy kink is like the freakiest thing he could ever do and that aint even freaky)#these tags are all over the place#basically#t would try to give buck head like once and be like sorry evan i cant but hey ill do x instead#eddie on the other hand would try to give buck head and buck would be like hey...hey dont hurt yourself most people end up not being able to#and eddie would proceed to happily choke himself on bucks dick#anti tommy kinard#yeahh
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#feeling so silly lawwlll walking in circles#i thnk im feeling a special type of way ..#i know i keep going on ab the samw bs and how crazy gf YEAAH UEAH WE GET IT#but i thnk in doing so im like revisiting parts of myself and writing more and i think im jst being sentimental#sooo sentimental .. so saccharine ..#everyone has been rly nice ab my art LIKE SOOOOO NICE RECENTLY#and imean people always have like im very lucky and grateful 2 be able to feel like i can share my hobby .. ^__^#but i thjnk like . to take smth that is so representational of my like . art goals and wants from a young age#ouuyyyyuuuuuyyfff T__T ooiujjjjjj#I DONT KNWWW i dont know . i dont know what im saying but i feel like i just need 2 talk abd be like hey this is so reaffirming .needs 2#i think like . bc my life turned out soo different than i imagined ive been dealing w like . a lot of hopelessness and feeling soo stuck and#stagnant and idk bad things and in a way i think like . coming back 2 something years later and being able to see progress in such a physica#physical way and to feel like more at ease and more like myself than i ever have is rly crazy and making me think long and hard abt stuff#and its all of these like . reflections im dealing w that r then padded by like some of the nicest comments and tags itslike#head in my hands /pos . grief but like ij a way happy grief#INFEEL SOOO RIDICULOUS its ridiculous it rly is IHAHAHAHAHAHA#i think its bc im turning 25 soon and thats the age i told myself id never live past iykwim which ks like crazy to drop on tmblrdotcom#but there r so many emotions tied 2 that and i think this is just one of the things^ stupid fanart ^ that makes me rly happy idk#do you know what i mean . like i feel so goofy saying it but its genuinely the connection i rly appreciate and means a lot 2 me#i feel like my ‘thank yous/i appreciate it/ means a lot’ grow tired but its soo fr every time i swear#kicking rocks or watever . i wish i cld extend my gratitude but anyways . thanks 4 reading this far if u have#ughg man and i think of the friends ive made thru this blog specifically nd my eyes r burning#sorp.. guys i love u all thank u.
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at this point i have to assume the ongoing chest pain is from living in this fucking house
#no apparent heart problem. if its somehow a muscle ache that has persisted >6 months#then its also managed to Not be from noticeable muscle damage while still lasting that long#and if its not the stress from being here then idk. cancer does show up in the family 💀#if it is just a muscle ache then i would like it to be over#but my god man. im gonna lose it#the problem with living in ur parents house is that they will make fuck ass decisions abt it#and u cant do anything Esp if ur freeloading lmao#maybe im just prone to stressing myself out like a fucking tarsir#*tarsier. but like goddddd#tfw theres a million unfinished and contributing things to a possible infestation#like. tell me why the bathtub has been unusable for probably a year now#and also theres a HUGE HOLE IN THE WALL WHERE THE EXHAUST GOES THRU!!!!!!#that they probably knew about but apparently didnt think was a concern#and when approached about 'hey i dont think (liquid) fumigation is gonna last if u dont fix this'#the response is 'thats why u fumigate every like 6 months'#NO??? FIX THIS FUCKING HOUSE?#AND THEN LIQUID FUMIGATION TOO???? AURGHHHHHHHH#anyways also have to assume its not like. actual physical environment problem#spent two weeks out of house and it persisted. but i suppose if its bad enough#it would do that...?? but then why is no one else in the house suffering -_-#either its extremely localised to my room or its straight up not that#dad keeps insisting its long covid. near as i can tell ive never caught covid#while its possible it was low/no symptom im relying on the fact that no one else got sick in the house#and when people get sick in the house i do test also. and its always negative. but who knows
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Not sneeze just mental health rambling in the tags
#I’ve spent a very long time trying to change my brain so I can just operate at a neurotypical level#it’s always been impossible and I feel like shit for it#so recently I finally just said#I am not neurotypical and never will be no matter what I do!#so I need to be kind to myself and make the accommodations I need for myself!#which is a work in progress but idk. it’s kind of painful that the neurotypical people in my life act like I’m asking for an arm and a leg#when I’m very genuinely asking if slight changes could be made between us#I absolutely don’t expect anyone to change their lifestyle for me or anything#it’s stuff like not holding long conversations when I’m in the middle of writing because it messes up my flow#and I tell my family beforehand! hey I’m gonna write for a couple of hours does anyone need anything from me before#and they say no! but then ten minutes later will start telling me a story about their day#which I’m okay to hear BEFORE I start a writing session or AFTER#and I goddamn communicate that!!! but they act like I’m asking for nobody to ever speak to me again#another thing is that I CANNOT eat anything past an expiration date#I know it’s still probably good but my brain will just keep saying YOURE GONNA DIE OF FOOD POISONING#so say the half gallon of milk is past its date#I will buy a fresh one to start using myself but I don’t toss the old one because I know others don’t care as much#and they they complain that I’m wasting milk#like I’m sorry it’s 1) my money and 2) how is it being wasted when y’all are happy to drink it til it’s done?#idk man!! neurotypical people sure do say that shit should be easy for neurodivergent people#but they sure do struggle to be slightly accommodating without bitching#idk rant over peace out
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The voices in my head are telling me that I should cut my hair again...
#not rn obviously but maybe after i do this next color i might cut it again#idk man i kinda think i can do it justice now 😭 especially now that i semi know how to keep my curls#i also really wanna dye my whole head and i could do that with the short hair especially bc my hair grows really fast#rambles#hey guys
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I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
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.... OK I really hope I can keep this dude ♥
#miranda talking shit#Like... I just want him around me... Yeah. First visit I thought it may be how I felt. Now I'm like lol yeah#8+ hour visit later... Not even that I just... Am being used for sx like we talk so much#We talked about past experiences and love and children etc. Like... I guess we just vibe. Or rather I feel like we do#We make each other laugh and he seem to want to touch me and want to tell me about things#He talked about metal (or we about music but I'm not a metal head so) and he played songs for me#He found my reactions to them funny. Some song did some guitar thing and I was like “woah!”#He laughed and after the song went into explaining what it was. How it was done and such#“i wonder what you think about this... Or... Well maybe you won't care. But I think you may find it interesting?”#Me already clawing at the phone: yes yes I'm interested show me!!!#I love having people show me things willingly. Like even if it's embarrassing or whatever like hey I am going to love it#He showed Warhammer figures he had painted and talked about that#I love hearing people info dump like omgggg hiiii tell me everything uwu#I took up the... Idea of being fwb and being like... Exclusive about it. And he was like “I mean... I haven't really been seeing anyone els#Mainly bc I don't want to and bc it's so... -makes eye contact with me-“ me: tiring?”-deep sigh-yes so tiring.... “#He shared a lot of personal things in general and one thing in detail he definitely didn't have to#I mean I casually say I got daddy issues but that's like... Yeah my dad never cared for me and my siblings that's just how it is ya know#Idk man. Been a while I... Felt so... At ease and.... Open so quick with anyone. I liked Linus quick but not in this way#I hope I get to keep him around me for more... Like he's.... I think we have things in common but we are definitely still different enough#Want to learn everything I can about him. Plus he let's me be... Overly affectionate and serviceing him like an doting mom (how I want to#Treat everyone in my life but I know majority don't accept it). I get to bring him a drink and help him get dressed to go outside#Men who just goes along with how I want to express affection and not hate it is great#I mean. I don't think he have been touched this... Affectionately before either. I'm very intense and like.... Yeah it's like I'm in love#With you. Sorry I'm stroking your face and looking into your eyes and all :/#He just smiles. Me with basically heart shaped eyes and he's like: :)#Some nerdy brunette: hi (: me: omg? Spend all your free time with me???
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And more thing, Rachel House (Mary Read on OFMD) has signed a letter of NZ/Aotearoa calling for a cease fire and I wouldn’t assume she’s the only cast member (besides Darby) who has done likewise/similar. Please please please do not spread misinformation
guys i'm so so sorry for saying that the whole ofmd cast is complicit it turns out that a minor character who was in like 3 episodes actually signed one whole letter!! obviously this excuses both creators (waititi & jenkins) and a huge chunk of the cast from being zionist fucktards currently cheering for genocide. everyone go back to business as usual!!!
#i mean good for rachel house but come on man 😭#can u not see how irrelevant that is when the main people of the show have made their stances so abundantly clear#whatever helps assuade ur guilt ig but I KNOW ur not getting ur knickers in a twist over a tv show when 12000 children have been killed#actually the fact that ur more outraged that i made a slightly incorrect blanket statement than idk the GENOCIDE is telling#you disgust me#your priorities in times such as these disgust me#i hope when u look back on this and think hey what was i doing during the gaza genocide ur forced to confront the fact that#all u were doing was defending zionist shitbags on tumblr.com so you could keep watching a mediocre tv show without guilt#get a damn grip#anyone who hasnt publically and loudly called for an immediate and permanent ceasefire and a free palestine is complicit in this#and no. a single offhand statement at a private stand up show doesn't count#especially when stacked against all the other zionist shit he's done might make a post about that later but honestly mate you don't have to#look far#if hes not gonna properly call for a ceasefire and free palestine (THE FUCKING MINIMUM BTW) and not gonna speak out against waititi & co#then he can go fuck himself#also turn off anon if you actually want to talk#im happy to have a conversation#but please please please get a moral compass and some priorities#palestine#gaza#israel#free palestine#ofmd#our flag means death#taika waititi#rhys darby#david jenkins#zionism
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man.
#i had this whole post ive been trying to formulate for so so long. abt my issues w ceewilbur and ccwilburisms and#to clarify i do like cwilb he is one of my faves. ik it may seem i wanna bite his arm off smtimes and i Do but#its mostly bitterness directed to the stuff Around him if that makes sense. yk the response to lots abt him#the way the overcompensation abt how he can be villanized swinging into a state where he Cant and never Did and wrong and if you critique#or acknowledge it you get snipped at and demeaned and treated like its a targeted hit on the mentally ill when its like#a mild disagreement with one of the most popular characters in the fanbase Easily#and w cc wil i do think he is just sm guy. im sure he's a nice dude idrc abt the ccs usually but he seems alright enough even tho he has v#goofy ahh takes and opinions but that doesnt make you Evil#but when i dive into what really has made me feel so alienated and snippy its. llmao its the racism yeah lol its super very much the racism#its very very prevelent and very common and very unchallenged. and it like. upsets me so bad its why i keep bailing on making my actual#full detailed post abt it. cuz everytime i try to formulate my thoughts i just get upset and frustrated i wanna rip my hair out#its hard not to feel like im talking to a wall when its so common and unchecked and. ive seen rightful critiques of these spaces and how#ppl interact with them Openly Mocked and brushed aside and treated like 'petty sensative internet drama' that ppl need to 'just get over'#sorry man im a fucking 🇲🇽 i cant exactly log off and Stop Experiencing Racism. and sorry that me feeling alienated and tired and sad abt#it is an inconvenience for you llol#and like idk. im not upset w anyone in particular this isnt a call out post or vague who give a shit and.#eh maybe im stupid but i really really believe a lot of ppl arent doing it on purpose#its just bein parroted ik i get it but#am i rlly not allowed to be tired? why should it feel like my responsibility to hold ppls hand and go hey mb treat poc and darker skinned#ppl like ppl. maybe you should examine why you need so many things made palatable to you through conventionally attractive whiteness first#idk. idk!!! am i crazy who fucking knows#but it has been weighing on me stupid style so bad#the shrinking fanbase and primarily yk common stragglers has just. rlly felt like a magnifying glass to my already existing issues abt it#idk man. idk im tired and im at work its 100°+ and my head hurts so this is all yr getting. lea me alone#and again this isnt a vague who Cares. just wanted to get it off my chest finally#huri.txt#discourse#<- ig
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As I drove home last night my hands felt as if fire were running through the nerves, my back ached and my knee throbbed infuriatingly. I was tired and sore and had frankly been treated like shit at work by guests, and I still had to get gas because of course my tank was nearly empty and gas prices were up again.
Amidst the dimly lit gas station a man smiled kindly and said to me, “I haven’t seen you here in a while,” and asked me how my day was. I was still tired and aching but I thought that maybe humanity would be okay. Maybe we would look out for the weak and the ill and those who need a helping hand and those who haven’t been seen in a while.
ping ponging back and forth between seeing immense beauty everywhere and feeling deeply like i am in hell
#I think to an extent everyone is in their own hell fighting their own battles#but the world is still beautiful#it’s like driving a car down a highway#each individual somehow separate from the outside world#I think we forget sometimes that we can do more than just look at the good in our surroundings#there are things that genuinely keep some people from just getting out of their metaphorical cars and walking off#but even if you can find ways to crack the window and get in some air#or smile at the car next to you as if to say hey#we’re in this traffic together#idk if cars are a good metaphorical but you get what I’m rambling about#try to see the good in the bad and not the bad in the good and yadda yadda#when others hide from the storm you dance in the rain#I hope that man is doing well#random thoughts with Rowan
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#ami's ramblings#cw vent in tags#i am tired of being this household's venting sponge#i may not work but the whole reason i do not work is my mental health is so abysmal it's impossible for me#i like helping when i can but like... i'd like a 'hey how was your day?' once in a while#vs just the greeting being instant venting with maybe some raised voices#like if it wasn't physically painful to cry atm i probably would've broken down hard by now#i have to remind my parents abt why i don't work bc somehow the thought of me not being exposed to outside = no problems#bruh i've been strugglign where ngl the things keeping me sane rn are sntrn & sun/day's release#smth to look forward to legit is what is keeping me afloat#i'd have long drowned otherwise#idk man i'm tired
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officially (basically) finished my first watchthrough of the pokemon anime
(ignoring 3 movies but listen-)
i have to say i'm pretty surprised, considering how i expected to finish the whole thing in a year (and that was hopeful, looking at 1000+ eps and me with my limited time and focus lol), but hey! it took me 6 months and a half, start to end plus most movies and some side series (i'm not watching those pikachu shorts even if you paid me).
and what a journey it has been.
just watching all of ash's journey, from overconfident rookie with no clue about the outside world, to world champ who has travelled to 8 regions. having went from one stubborn electric mouse that didn't care about him to a good 90 pokemon. started with his mother being his only supporter to so many friends and rivals holding their breath, watching in anticipation of his last move (and giving him help along his road to the world championships, and congratulations at the end). it was a beautiful road, full of hidden treasures and bumps and tough times and rough times, but in the end he made it through! he finally became a champion of a region he loved with all of his heart, and carried that love and experience from all of his journeys to the world stage and pulled it off.
it took everything, and nothing was left to waste, and he did it. and man, if that isn't inspirational, than what is? sure, nothing is perfect, even the actual anime itself, and i can argue and point those out for a good long while, but at least for today i want to be happy. it's a good day, a pretty lucky day if you look at the Friday the 12th thing, and i had a great time watching this as blind as i can (with something as big as pokemon, you can never be fully blind unless you watched it while it was airing lol). had lots of laughs, angry screeching, pointing at screen in shock/surprise, nodding in agreement, and quite a few tears, but my original run is pretty much finito. i might try to watch the whole thing in sub and jot down notes for future fics, but in the meantime it has been stunning, amazing, spectacular. loved everyone and everything, yes even the bad, because in the end there are infinite possibilities, and it really is up to you where you find your future.
(but seriously, can you believe this all started bc he woke up late? talk about the pen problem heh)
what else can i say? it's been a great ride. there are no spoilers that can hurt me (except horizons, but i'll see how that goes). i can finally rank all seasons whenever and whatever, and for the most part i know most pokemon know (but not numbers, pls i'm not a computer). many fun times ahead, and for once i finished something very big very quickly without much regrets. a good series, a great show, and something i can get behind, once i got the momentum. live, love, laugh and idk catch them all <3
#idk man i just wanted to do(tm) something#and i'm super sad yet satisfied with the end#it makes sense y'know?#the story had to end but you know he'll keep going#and that's good enough for me#everyone that we know will keep going and that's life#they'll meet and talk and have fun and leave#but they'll always be in each others hearts and minds#and hey i mean ash has a phone now#for as long as he can keep it out of harms way lol#so they know where to get him even if they don't#i mean the whole thing is just about life and the paths you take#some of us have big dreams that'll take a while#some of us have small ones that will last forever#some of us will keep striving for improvement#and some of us will take small steps for the rest of our life#and others still will change their dreams#and some will use smaller dreams to accomplish the bigger ones#you can refocus or take a break or go for broke#there are so many ways to live life and i can't believe what ppl call a 'kids' show can say it so loud and clear#just.. pls if you can just watch pokeani#who cares about the games? who cares about the cool factor?#i mean who even cares about inaccuracies in the show itself?#it's beautiful and charming and it ropes you in#humor off the charts. can turn you into a faucet. teaches you life lessons like you're five#(and you will feel five with the wonder it will inspire)#idk it helped me tons with where i am today so i might as well give it forward#i forgot my pkmn tag for my watchthrough but yeah!!#silver.exe#my pkmn journey
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uhghghfh I need to cut off someone in my life so bad but I just don’t know how to do it
#they make me feel like SHIT I HATE talking to them#idk … it’s hard because we have a history I guess#I’ve talked to some of my friends about them idk .. we used to be close#or I thought we were close but I think I always loved them more than they loved me#part of me still loves them and wants things to work but I am TIRED of it.#I Never feel good arounf them or abour them.#I’m just tired of how they treat me I guess#they always ignore my boundaries. I tell them hey I don’t like this thing. then they do the thing. and I cannot keep up with it anymore#it’s so tiring. I need to find someone who actually cares abt me and respects my boundaries and wishes and doesn’t get pissy when I call-#-them out on it#liek. It’s not that fucking hard. I know it’s not because I have people in my life who respect my boundaries and love me not for what I can-#-give but just for me. and I think that was a huge turning point#I was like oh uh oh . oh they’re just. treating me like shit#when it’s so easy not to dawg my boundaries aren’t even hard or complicated. fuck offf#I have a history of attracting people who overstep my boundaries idk why#but like idk it’s for the better#I might feel bad now like oh no I shouldn’t cos we have a bond but no#I’m just going to torture myself trying to get them to treat me like a fuckinf person I need to man up and drop them#I’m so bad at dropping people though UHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHGGGG ‘!!!!!#like idk man#they said liek oh no I promise I’ll chnage I’ll be better! and they’re just. worse. so much worse#they just keep getting worse ??????????
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This is something I learned at one of the pre-op visits for my breast reduction! My surgeon was basically I think an independent surgeon (as I guess I would imagine is common for “cosmetic”/plastic surgeons?) and she was telling us a little bit about what to do for talking to insurance about the surgery and stuff, and she mentioned that for us going through insurance it would be at a particular hospital, but she also often did surgeries where people didn’t use there insurance, and she did those at some other place, and the price she charged up front was much lower, because that was the actual cost of the surgery (and equipment and everyone’s salaries etc.) and she had to raise the ticket price significantly when people would go through insurance, because the insurance company would negotiate that price down, and then keep some of the money. (Obviously for us and many others it still worked out to be cheaper for us out of pocket to go through insurance, but the amount she made was roughly the same even though it would look like she charged thousands more for my breast reduction than for someone not using insurance)
So, when you get those bills from your insurance after a doctors visit, and there’s that little table that tells you, this is the cost of the visit, this is the discount we got you, this is how much we paid, this is how much you still have to pay?
That line about “we got you this discount” is misleading. They actually caused the provider to raise the initial cost of your care by that amount, or more, in anticipation of the insurance company refusing to pay the full amount so that they could tell you they got you a discount.
"Why does a 15-minute visit with a doctor cost 150 bucks in America???" you're gonna want to read Money-Driven Medicine, by Maggie Mahar, and probably also The Social Transformation of American Medicine, to answer that question. It is not because your doctor is a greedy bastard; your doctor does not see most of that money. It is because the system is broken to a level that is truly impressive in its dedication to making a shit ton of money for insurance company executives and shareholders.
#my doctors visits are always around 3 or 400 for me because they never get billed as physicals because I also need prescriptions filled#and I need to go in 4x a year because adderall is so heavily restricted#and my last visit was actually $700 because they needed to drug test me not even for a real reason but because at the previous visit when#they drug tested me (also for bullshit reasons- to check that I was taking my meds instead of selling them or soemthing)#it came up with a false positive for opioids. which I don’t have access to or interest in and would not have been in my system#(mom’s nurse friend hypothesized that maybe the poppy seeds on the wverythign bagel I probably had for breakfast that morning set it off. it#seems like that’s a pretty common food to have and they should either warn you ahead of time about that or it shouldn’t be sensitive enough#to pick that up)#and insurance was like ‘we got you a $195 discount’ which is bs and ‘we paid $4’ which is even stupider#so now at my next virtual visit I’m gonna have to say hey I know the answer is no because of institutionalized stigma against me that you’re#not willing to push back on but I can’t fuckingn afford to keep paying $1600+ a year for what at this point is a middle man between me and a#pharmacist because I’ve been on this medication for fucking ages and all my other ones could be refilled at a yearly physical#so is there any way we could change things up somehow. and she’s going to say no. and I’m going to be angry and upset about it for days#back when i was at my pediatrician I had to go in every six months which was annoying but I would happily go back to that over four times a#year#but idk if the rules changed or if the rules are different for adults or if my doctor just sucks bc I brought that up early on and she was#like no this is what we do#I mean. I can technically afford it. I have the money I’m not going into medical debt or anything. I live at home with my parents and have#very low living expenses and my checking account is limited primarily by my own standards of how much I’ve decided I want to be putting into#my savings account each paycheck. but when the biggest expense in my life is something that already frustrates me and that I know is exp too#expensive and that I feel I shouldn’t have to be doing anyway and I know I’m being treated unfairly#it just feels so much worse. having to take money out of my savings account wouldn’t be the end of the world. but it feels wrongs#and I only make like $36#lmao I forgot about the commas thing.#like $36k a year so I also am aware that even though I’m in a lucky place where I’m stable that’s not *that* much money and I feel like that#is how I tend to think of things. because I’m not going to live with my parents forever and I’m deeply aware that for most people who have#to pay a rent or a mortgage $36k is the lower end of things and a seven fucking hundred dollar doctors bill is a big fuckingn deal#for a regular fucking doctors appointment#it’s not like I fucking asked to be drug tested they said ‘pay us to look at your pee or else’#it’s all bullshit
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Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??
As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue
the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD
He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.
like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...
The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"
and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it
does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING
like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow
For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat
Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation
Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with
Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)
But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time
Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell
Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch
idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room
#hazbin spoilers#hazbin hotel#lucifer#lucifer morningstar#analysis#dissociation#look idk what to tell you all#I watched the episode and everything makes so much more sense#when you realize he's only intaking like 50-60% of the conversations#he's not bad at listening his brain is literally preventing him from getting everything#literally I've been there#the difference between him and me tho#is that he can't show it#he's the king of hell#he has to bluff his way through conversations#but yeah literally rewatch the episode with this in mind#and watch him reply to the things he DID catch#anyways#NEW BLORBO????#who'd've thought I would go into Hazbin Hotel#and come out with freaking LUCIFER as my favorite character#I love him#he's so sad
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