#and healing is impossible without community!

[aurora-daily]

"I think we are all in deep pain. I have been, at least. And when I was, I understood how difficult it is to respond to pain in a healthy way. How hard it is to heal. It is difficult to be wise when you are in pain. “What happened to the heart?” is about being in pain. And either accept it or run away from it. Or become destructive. Or understand it, like the last song on the album, “Invisible Wounds”, is about. Now is the time for us to address the invisible wounds, and it is as much a personal responsibility as about the world community soon having to address things. Just think about how many people are not doing well here on earth. We are aware of how unfair everything is, but it is impossible to be empathetic without crying every day, so we build a tough skin to endure it. I think we have built too much skin. [I have not personally] but I am aware of it. I am very sensitive, and there are many things that make me tired, things that other people don’t think much about. It’s because I have such a head.

When I write about things far away, it feels very close. And things that have nothing to do with me feel personal. I am captivated by and engaged in other people’s stories. But with this record, it’s actually a lot more personal. I went through a pain that was very heavy. I had to take time to be human, eat waffles and such, drink beer and sleep."

- AURORA on what happened to her heart in an interview for Dagsavisen, found and translated by Amroth | June 29th, 2024

Photos by Mode Steinkjer

[peepooworld]

obviously being in this hospital sucks ass and i uhh don’t want to be here anymore. i want to go home and take a shower. but it’s also a beautiful chance to reflect on the preciousness of life and the importance of community and love.

earlier this year i ended up in the ER in another city on the way back to school. and it was cold, i was kinda traumatized by the experience that put me there, i was starving and exhausting, and i was almost completely alone. and that was definitely the worst part. i could cope with blankets, taking a nap, drinking water and juice, eating graham crackers, but it was so scary just having the nurses and texting to get me through the experience.

in contrast, when i was hospitalized back in may, my mom spent the night with me, and then my dad spent most of the next afternoon with me. i was alone for only a few hours in total, but i never really felt lonely. bored, yes, but never lonely.

and then this time is just bursting with affection and care. my little sister keeps bringing me m&ms. today my best friend brushed my hair because i can’t do it by myself. another friend brought be a game and baby wipes. i went for a procedure and my dad (mildly emotional constipated) sat in the lobby with my favorite stuffed toy because after i said i could be brave without it he said “well i can’t.”

so yes, this situation started with something very painful and then i’m once again kinda traumatized by the experiences i had in the ER, i’m being kept afloat by love and companionship, which is way more healing than every single therapy i’ve been given. i’m mostly just feeling very grateful and very lucky.

[fairyhaos]

seventeen as types of soulmate aus

requested by 🍉 anon! this one was cute hehe

masterlist

seungcheol

soulmark that complement your soulmate's. they're not exact replicas, but rather pairs of shapes that fit together well, and if someone other than your soulmate touches the mark, they burn. but as seungcheol cleans your wounds after a battle, both of you startle at how, when he accidentally brushes over your mark, a flood of warmth fills you both

jeonghan

compass on your skin that points in the direction of your soulmate. only, your compass seems rather confused. it glows whenever jeonghan is near, and spins wildly when he's not. you're quite sure he's your soulmate, but the compass doesn't make sense... that is, until you catch him with his shining halo and white wings.

joshua

meeting them in your dreams. underused type of soulmate au tbh but it's just so sweet!! at the end of a long day, you fall asleep and find joshua already waiting for you with a smile on his face, and every night, you fall harder and harder for someone who you haven't even met in person yet but who still has captured your heart

junhui

body swap for three hours when the youngest of you turns 21. the entire thing is chaos because it's impossible to truly prepare for when it will happen. and even though the body swap ends in disaster, somehow, inexplicably, he finally finds his way to you

hoshi

whatever they draw on their skin appears on yours. he likes the fact that you can almost... communicate with each other, without having ever met. he likes the little scribbles that appear on his hands, the ink marks, the reminders. it feels like being a part of your life, long before he actually meets you.

wonwoo

telepathic link. on his 21st birthday, he'd jumped out of his skin because he didn't realise your voice would be so loud. you're so hyper, always chattering to your soulmate in your head, and whilst it's definitely a change to wonwoo's normal life, he likes it. and when he finally meets you, he finally gathers the courage to say he really likes you, too.

woozi

stars appear on your skin when they touch you. it's devastatingly intimate: his touch burns gentle marks into your skin, painting unique patterns that only you can see, and it makes you yearn for him to finally realise that it's him, him with his warm hands that bleed stars beneath your clothes, who you love the most.

minghao

one-sided soulmates. you're minghao's soulmate, but you don't have a soulmate in return. slowly, carefully, minghao helps you heal from all those years of being told that you're broken, a defect, unworthy of love. he does it not just because he's your soulmate, but because he really has come to love you, and he wants you to be happy.

mingyu

red string of fate. you have this red string on your finger that fades into the distance if your soulmate is too far away. but one day, you look down at your hand and realise you can follow it, the red string winding translucently down the street until you look up... and there stands mingyu, string connected to yours, the softest smile on his face.

dokyeom

the world turns colourful when your eyes meet. it's fitting, for dokyeom, because of course the world bursts into colours the moment he meets your eyes, because of course him and his shining gaze and bright smile make your entire world come to life before you. that's just the kind of person he is.

seungkwan

a soulmark that changes colour depending on how your soulmate feels. you find your soulmark fascinating because it always goes through a whole range of colours at any given time, swirling majestically with emotions. it takes a while for you to notice that the colours might, just maybe, match with the emotions of your hyper, passionate best friend, seungkwan.

vernon

your soulmate's name appearing after you fall in love. vernon has had your name on his shoulder for almost as long as he's known you, so he knows you're his soulmate, but he still patiently waits for you to fall in love with him too, wanting to give you that choice, willing to wait for however long it takes for his love to be returned

chan

countdown until the first meeting. something about chan and having that fateful first meeting when the numbers on your wrist finally reach zero and you look up and see him smiling at you, surrounded by the golden light of the sun, looking like he really is your one, precious, fated companion for life.... just fits him so well, really.

reactions tags: @weird-bookworm @minhui896 @bunnyiix @slytherinshua @haowrld @belladaises @newgirlygirl @moonlitskiiies @mirxzii @wonranghaeee @yonabutnotyuna @crackedpumpkin @wqnwoos @kthstrawberryshortcake-main @kawennote09 @a-wandering-stay @icyminghao @valenhui @sweet-like-caramel @odxrilove @kyeomyun @chansburgah @pepperonijem @jeonride @kellesvt @astrozuya @eightlightstar @onlyyjeonghan @aaniag @starshuas @all-american-fangirl @f1uffyjun @sea-moon-star @nonononranghaee @isabellah29 @mcu-incorrect @hrts4hanniehae @kikohao @melodicrabbit @dokyeomkyeom @bananabubble

[myun-saidthoughts]

8TH House Synastry VS 12TH House Synastry

(More Info In my eBook)

The main difference between the 8th and 12th house is that with 12th house synastry, it may be hard for one another to fully know where they truly stand with each other, and the planet person (or the one who has more Pisces/Neptune/12th house influence) might create false narratives or fixate on the desire of saving the house person, and the house person may not know how to respond or won't know how to really articulate how the planet person makes them feel; especially if they feel uncomfortable within their own mind/spiritual self.

12TH House

With this synastry, it's likely that the planet person will constantly question and imagine the relationship. It is blurry and somehow the energy between the two of them becomes boundless and confusion can erupt. Both can experience showing up in each others dreams, both can overpower each others thoughts, and they both might find themselves sitting in unexplainable synchronicities that tie themselves to one another.

(Allowing and accepting this energy is the only culprit for deep mutual spiritual occurrences to happen, both parties have to want one another on some level; if not, unrequited love can occur, where one person is emotionally unavailable or distant and the other person has this innate drive to fix, save or love their soul in hopes of healing all of their flaws, which in most cases than not, impossible)

To add, the individual (usually the house person) who struggles with accepting their shadow self may experience a persistent sense that their partner is invasive or somehow withholding important information from them. If they are uncomfortable with embracing this energy, they may perceive it as a violation of their privacy and have an aversion to such intrusiveness from the other person. Now with the other person (usually the planet person) who is more spiritually inclined and open may always question where they stand with them. A part of the planet person is able to just feel how the house person feels (without words) and yet there's no solid, tangible reason to justify or clarify those thoughts or feelings that the planet person has towards them. The house person will ask themselves, "can they actually heal and erase my pain, or will their presence cause me more?"

Both might experience an underlying uncertainty about the true intentions of the other person; making it difficult to discern their genuine feelings or motives. As a result whoever is more affected by this type of intensity might constantly question the authenticity of their relationship, fear might seep in since there's a quiet voice in the back of their mind just whispering to them a false truth they can't make go away, especially if there is a lack in communication or open honesty between the two individuals.

In the extreme sense of it, the intensity of this dynamic can be amplified by an underlying presence of lies or deception, which in turn may affect the relationship. Secrets may become a recurring theme, causing both individuals to hold back certain aspects of themselves or their lives. These secrets may not necessarily be intentionally created, but could arise from external circumstances.

On one side of the spectrum the planet person can either fixate on healing any inner mental struggles the house person subconsciously holds onto. This can become one sided if the other person feels they don't need to be "saved" or "fixed," they might look at them in confusion, wondering what the planet person is holding onto, why they won't let them go, or why they have this drive to heal aspects of them they (the house person) isn't even aware or comfortable with.

So, the shadow side of this synastry depends on the individual. That itself would better showcase how intense 12th house synastry will manifest for each individual. If one is not used to being completely seen past the 3D (for both parties involved), then this would cause uncomfortability. If one is spiritually open and aware about how deep and ethereal this type of love can become, then the chances of dealing with deception or confusion is less likely.

Another aspect that this synastry may manifest is the inclination to hold onto this connection because the house person may believe that the planet person genuinely sees the real them even before they could fully see themselves (but it can also be vice versa; depends). If both are accepting of this love, the planet person can accurately read the house person and vice versa, words are not a necessity when it comes to the two of them, the planet person will know the house person's exact deep rooted innate fears before the house person was even aware they had any. The house persons presence just screams to the planet person's all of their inner mental challenges, and all the planet person wants to do is heal that part of them, the planet person will just know what their soul needs to hear and they want to give the house person that care and reassurance (especially if the planet person has strong attraction on their end/have natal 12th or Pisces placements).

This bond (when wanted on both ends) can create a soul binding connection where the house person would feel like no one else can ever understand them the way the planet person can. No one else would be able to read them like the book they secretly are, no one else can look into their eyes and bring solace into their bones, which in-turn can cause the dynamic between them to consistently become something that is impossible to let go of. How do you let go of the one soul who speaks to the parts of you that you don't even know?

They'll both feel that they've known each others souls before, leaving them to hang on and stay even if it gets destructive. If the energy between them both lack, then constant wavering thoughts and "what if's" can take over, and when the energy between the two of them feels grounded, that type of love is unbeatable and can feel ethereal. The overwhelming level of unexpressed intimacy between the two of them can be especially intense for someone who isn't accustomed to experiencing such boundless love.

Everything is unsaid but between them, there’s just a given understanding of each others inner mental struggles and pain, and having that kind of depth can bring in fear of what it would mean if this person leaves. Therefore self-sabotaging or escapist attitudes can occur, leaving this relationship to enter a side neither of them truly wants.

Be conscious and aware that (especially if you have 12th/Pisces house placements), a part of you wants to be seen without having to say a word, a part of you wants to feel connected to someone mind, body, and soul; and so with that brings in the intensity of this synastry and could be the reason why you choose to stay with someone that can ignite these feelings in you.

(In general to fully grasp how 12th house synastry can manifest, a deeper analysis is usually needed, by understanding your chart and your persons. I have an eBook that perfectly describes and answers almost any question about 12th house synastry so if you'd be interested in learning more about that, the link is pinned on my page).

8TH House

With the 8th house, it is an engulfing type of love. A clear and known relationship with deep intense feelings and emotions. You see it, other people see it and it’s hard to control and hard to let go of.

Usually, instantly, the house person is aware that the lack of planet person will feel like the worst loss there is, but they'll remain indifferent to that consequence. The house person can’t hide their feelings toward planet person, and they can't help but allow their feelings to flood out into the open. They want to showcase their undying desire to have the planet person because the want for them is the deepest thing the house person has have ever felt. A look from them rushes in emotion the house person never knew was possible. This synastry makes the house person accept any and all flaws that they have, and because of that, the loss of them can feel like they are losing a part of themself that they've always wished they could fix.

Nothing is hidden when it comes to this type of synastry, the feelings that preserve can’t help but be outwardly known by everyone in the vicinity of them. The threshold of the vulnerability that the planet person creates in the house person is untouchable. For the house person, nothing else matters but the planet person, and even though they are painfully aware about how transformational the planet person's absence will be, they'll stay anyway.

In another sense of this, if one or both of you struggle with insecurities/fears or have self-worth/value issues then the dynamic between you can erupt power struggles and control issues. The type of control and need one might have depends on how deep the internal pain the individual has (more info in my eBook).

The planet person gives the house person this serene and peaceful feeling where the house person finally can fully accept themself, so if the planet person leaves their presence. the house person will feel a pain that's worse than death; and the culprit behind that is because of fear. Constant battles of power/trust may emerge between the two of them. They' both might share this jealousy that they didn’t know was even possible and especially because without the planet person the house person won’t feel this specific “high” and that alone creates the intense need for them even more.

This intimacy is deep, almost instant, it can't be a lighthearted connection, their actions and the expectations you expect them to uphold too will create these high and lows you can't escape.

Loops and cycles are likely to occur, you will constantly go through ego deaths; you let go of them then you can't, you say you don't miss them then you do.

The love and hate spectrum is constantly wavering over your head, their smallest action can create a ripple effect of intense emotion, you start to depict every thing they have said or done to you, leaving you to go back and fourth with wanting them; to wanting nothing to do with them.

A part of the house person knows that the lack of them would disrupt their peace, yet their soft touch brings them the sense of wholeness and home they've only ever wished they had. If both are accepting of this type of love, they can elicit both the best and the worst aspects of each others character, and if the love for themself is lower than the desire to be loved; they won't be able to walk away.

(Who ever struggles with self love/self value/self worth/or have a broken attachment style because of past partnerships or parents OR has strong Scorpio in their natal chart/8TH house placements/Pluto influence will feel this type of synastry deeply)

This synastry needs desire and attraction on both ends to fully feel the effects of this kind of love, unrequited love can still occur and obsession/obsessiveness can happen on BOTH ends if each person just allows this type of energy in when both of your souls meet

While both types of synastry can bring in intense desire and lust, the differences exude in the type of person you are at your core. The healing (or lack there of) will dictate what type of relationship you'll experience when it comes to this individual.

Moving on or learning to change bad patterns is difficult but through the process of understanding your souls needs, everything else will follow.

(Understanding exact transits, synastry aspects or house overlays between you two will help you better understand if the person you're with share these karmic ties more info in my eBook and the link to purchase is pinned on my page)

[gildedlead]

All of the Wayne kids’ favorite Leaguers: True and Real and Accurate

Dick: Wonder Woman! Bear with me. Please. I think Superman was his favorite BEFORE he met Clark. Once he learned how big of a dork he was, the magic was sort of lost, doubly so when Clark became his unofficial stepdad. Diana? She stayed cool. Not to mention that in his Robin days, she often humored whatever hare-brained impulses he’d get. Please picture Batman’s bewildered expression when he finds Dick dangling from the Watchtower light fixture he specifically designed to be impossible for him to reach. Diana just, -shrug- “He said please.” You threw him Diana. You threw that child. She’d probably still throw him if he asked nicely, hell, she’d probably do it even before he has to ask. It’s ‘Boy Wonder’, not ‘Boy Bat’.

Jason: Black Canary. ‘Wonder Woman is Jason’s fav’ believers PLEASE hear me out. I think that Diana is Jason’s favorite in a ‘celebrity crush’ way, but Dinah is Jason’s favorite in a ‘cool aunt’ way. He met her unofficially at the Watchtower, but actually started hanging out with her thanks to Roy. They both like motorcycles and kicking ass, plus Young Justice having Canary as a therapist melds well with my vision of her helping Jason heal. And I think she’s used to yelling at Bruce on Oliver’s behalf, so it’s no big to do it on Jason’s too.

Tim: The Flash! If Dinah is the cool aunt, Barry is the cool uncle. Guy that shows up at the function with all the best snacks. He might eat half of them himself but damn if he didn’t bring them. In all seriousness, Tim saw pretty great merit in knowing a forensics guy that he can basically talk to anytime he’s stumped with a case without having to go through the “sorry to wake you” song and dance. Barry occasionally gets unhinged texts that are in the vein of “hey can you go about ten minutes back in time and tell past me about _____”. They’re usually pretty low stakes but sometimes there’s just a “got stabbed, do-over?” jumpscare sprinkled in. Bruce will never ever get shit from Barry about kid troubles. That man is a saint in Flash’s eyes.

Cass: Captain Marvel. She didn’t like him at all during their first meeting. For a person that’s good at reading body language, I imagine that seeing genuinely childish behavior on a grown man would be giving some crazy mixed signals. Once she learns that his powers are magic in origin rather than being alien or meta, her mind opens up a little more to the possibility that his exterior appearance might not be indicative of his actual identity. Cass guesses his age by their next proper meeting and makes it her business to keep an eye on him, always asking Bruce about him after he returns from League missions. Your honor, that 7’5” brick wall Champion of Magic is actually just Cass’ little buddy. She’s gonna get him some ice cream or something.

Steph: Green Lantern. Hal and Barry are like uncles, except if Barry is the cool one, Hal is the cringe one. Lucky for Hal, being a boyfailure is a good way to amuse Steph. Those two are gonna spend hours arguing with Bruce just for the hell of it, backing each other up on completely incorrect claims (Steph does it because it’s funny, Hal does it because he believes her). He does get bonus points for bringing her cool space snacks whenever he comes back from trips off-world. One of her favorite foods is a sort of hi-chew/gum thing from some other planet in Sector 2418 that doesn’t dissolve or lose its flavor, even after chewing it for days on end.

Damian: Aquaman. He’s a king. Like, an actual king. And he can communicate with fish. Arthur heard about Damian’s temper from the rest of the Leaguers and straight up does not believe it because every time he’s spoken to Damian, it’s been “hello your majesty can you introduce me to an octopus I have a few questions for it”. This one’s short. But I feel it speaks for itself.

Duke: Superman. Clark was NOT told about Signal taking up the day shift in Gotham until he was flying in to compare notes (read: flirt), with Bruce and met Duke when they both went to intercept a carjacking. Clark tries to be responsible like “I feel obligated to let you know that Batman doesn’t take kindly to metas in his city”, only for Duke to point at the big ol bat on his chest. After that, Duke usually intercepts Big Blue’s flight path anytime he comes into Gotham and the two just kind of hang out and shoot the shit while he does his patrol. Duke is also a little bit stoked to be regularly hanging out with The Superman, but even after the awe wears off, he can’t help but still think of Clark as just a cool, friendly guy. He gets someone to share the airspace with, Clark gets a bat he can stay in the sun with, it’s a win/win all around. Congrats Clark, you got one.

[christinesficrecs]

do you have any fic recs for season 3a? i’ve been rewatching and i really like the storyline 🥹

Well, Post-3B is my jam but try these ones. 🩷

Don’t Speak by fatale | 68.9K 

The Alpha pack has systematically attacked Stiles and his friends for months, testing their strengths and weaknesses. When one of the Alphas goes after Stiles, he awakens in the hospital and realizes that something’s wrong. Very wrong. All sounds seem to hurt him, he can’t understand what anyone is saying, and when he tries to speak, it’s gibberish. How is he supposed to deal with the fact that he’s lost the ability to communicate with his dad and his friends?

Without his ability to talk, his sarcasm, and his wit, what does Stiles even have left? Enter Derek, the only one who seems to make it better.

Thunderstorms & Polish Lullabies by Whispering_Samir | 10K

The one where Stiles time-travels just in time to save Boyd and Derek from the Alphas, and manages to heal everyone, including himself, just a little in the process.

There’s Monsters at Home by calrissian18 | 83,575

How did you get past the wards?” Derek had put them up, with Peter’s grudging assistance, after the Alpha pack had made themselves at home a few times too many.

The guy pulled a face. “You mean the wards a five-year-old girl with the mental ability of a goldfish could deconstruct?” He blinked wide eyes at Derek. “Gee, I don’t know. It’s bound to go down as one of life’s great mysteries.

Derek despised him.

Forging Bonds by  mikkimouse | 27.5K

The loft was flooded, the water shimmering in the moonlight streaking through the huge windows. The twins held Derek on his knees, with his arms extended and claws out. Kali had Boyd, and she was dragging him toward Derek, and—

Stiles aimed at the twin closest to him and threw the Molotov cocktail as hard as he could.

Bake to Remember, Eat to Forget by  butyoureyessaidyes | 125.2K

The one where Stiles runs his own bakery, never locks the front door, and doesn’t know he’s part of a werewolf pack (until he does).

The Nightmare of my Choice by mirrorkill | 106.2K | Mature

Rogue werewolves and incubi and ghosts, oh my!: Life in Beacon Hills continues to be the epitome of weird.

Especially for emissary-in-training Stiles, who's being literally haunted by a parade of Beacon Hills' deceased, who are trying to compel him to embrace the darkness in his heart. His only source of comfort is when he's writing to an emotionally constipated Beta werewolf. When Derek Hale is your anchor to sanity? Yeah, weird might be an underestimation.

Stiles is well suited to the path of an emissary; in fact, something important about him has already been overlooked. Something that could have deadly consequences both for him, and for everyone else...

Wanted by Asterekmess (Livinginfictions) | 88K | Mature

With the Hale pack finally settled and safe, it only makes sense that something would happen to screw it all up. To top it all off, Stiles has to pretend to be Derek's mate, or face a pack of angry Alphas. He's doomed.

In this Darkness (It's You I Hear) by Kedreeva | 9.9K | Mature

Deucalion bites Stiles on the way out of town, and Derek finds him in an unexpected condition....

here is the deepest secret nobody knows by owlpostagain | 22.3K

“Derek,” Stiles groans. “You have me. You’ve always had me, you absolute moron, how many physically impossible feats of life-saving heroics do I have to perform before you get it?”

Where You Go To Rest Your Bones by allyasavedtheday | 6.4K

Derek feels him take a deep, shuddering breath and then Stiles disentangles himself – though he stays within the circle of Derek’s arms. “I missed you.” he whispers, looking at Derek like he’s expecting to be kicked out at any moment.

You're stronger than you know by Littleredridinghunter | 234.1K

Set at the end of season 2, Stiles survives his encounter with Gerard and his goons, but it isn't easy.

The pack are letting him down again, his dad is not speaking to him, his life is just generally falling apart.

Until he has to get a bronze dagger to kill a siren and his whole world gets flipped on it's head!

[soapoet]

what do you need to heal?

oof, you all deserve a hug.

01.

Shufflemancy: SENSITIVE by MOTHICA

your feelings are really potent. you feel like a pressure cooker, constantly ready to burst open. emotions are both your playground and your graveyard, it seems. you feel everything strongly, but there is almost a sense of it never being enough. you yearn for something more, something bigger and better to latch on to. you've probably been accused of being toxic once or twice, and there may be a trail of broken lines of communication behind you as a result. but you have no ill intent. you have so much to give, and all you want is equal returns for your investments. interpersonal relationships especially feel lackluster to you.

here's a storyline that might resonate: you meet someone, platonic or romantic, and sparks fly. you're so invested, they take interest in you, you're each other's favourite person, two peas in a pod, partners in crime, a dynamic duo. every day you pour your heart and soul into this connection, drop the drawbridge and invite them inside your walls to experience you and your world fully. and with every day that goes by, slowly but surely, the honeymoon phase begins to fade. their efforts lessen, even when they say you're their whole world they never seem to find the time, they stop sharing, and feel intruded upon when you inquire and poke around to see what's up. you step back, thinking yeah, alright, i just need to chill, give them space. but that just makes things worse, doesn't it? you end up feeling abandoned and the grief for what the connection once was is agonising. every time you try to rekindle the flames they lash out. you're overwhelming, nosy, obsessive, they feel cornered. oh my god, you're so toxic! and then you fight. you fight for your feelings and the relationship. they just seem to fight you. you tell them they knew what they were getting themselves into. you showed them everything. shared the deepest, darkest corners of your castle. didn't they say that it's okay, that you're perfect as you are, flaws and all, and that they'd never leave? and then they still do.

you're not a monster. you're not trying to lure people in and make their lives miserable. you simply seek companionship. the kind that seems impossible to find these days. you understand that everyone has a life of their own, things to do, and that it's okay to need time and space. what you do have a problem with is the lack of trust. when you drop your armour you need reassurance that it's not in vain and that you are safe. that your vulnerability won't be taken advantage of. you don't want to worry about whether or not you let wolves inside your castle walls. what you need to do is learn a healthy dose of discrimination. really vet the people you let in. take things slowly, and allow things to happen without having to force it. let people come to you. wield your emotions in a constructive way. if you feel like a fraud trying to fit into the whole love and light spiel, then don't force it! you're incredibly powerful. learn the art of transmutation and try to make your emotions work for you instead of against you. it may be easier said than done, but if anyone can do it, it's you.

02.

Shufflemancy: Bridges by ALIKA

stop fooling yourself. you're really making yourself jump through way too many hoops. things don't have to be an obstacle course. there isn't some long, ever-changing list of things that need to happen before what you want can happen. it's like you're running around in a hamster wheel. chasing after what ifs, looking for signs and clues, and when something doesn't align then oops, there you go, right back to the drawing board. reconfiguring things, going back and forth, fine-tuning, undoing, scrapping everything and starting all over. reading your energy feels like i'm walking into a room with crumpled papers all over the floors. and when i look at them, your plans and ideas are so good! why have you cursed yourself into this space of false starts and stagnation?

because your head is full of doubt. your mind is like the static of an old tv screen. there is so much noise, buzzing around and it's so loud you're unable to think straight. there are so many distractions. you're being pulled in so many directions. everywhere except forward. you are so focused on that first step being absolutely flawless that you'll do anything but actually take the damn step. every time you gather yourself and tell yourself alright, it's go-time my dudes, you just stand there, or notice something that you just gotta fix real quick. and before you know it, you're doing all kinds of busy work. anything to make you feel better about not doing what you want to do and feel like you're at least making some contribution toward your dreams.

you heard there would be signs that you're on the right path or that your manifestations are working, and you took that personally. you see a sign, then look for confirmation that the sign really was a sign. then you tell yourself you need to stop actively looking for signs because then you won't recognise the real signs. but uh-oh, what if you were already doing that? does that mean that the sign you noticed was a false flag and you're just delusional and just out there fooling yourself? please give me a sign that— stop. sit down. cut the noise out and just breathe. you really need to start trusting yourself. you have a vision. a path forward. you got shit to do, things to achieve. stop checking the time, the mirror, the skies... just check yourself. still want what you want? great, you got it. have some faith in yourself. refocus your energy and try to stay present. it's okay to get distracted and it's normal to doubt, just don't let the doubts and distractions rule your present moment. the light has been green this whole time, so just go.

03.

Shufflemancy: Trauma by NF

no. that's two letters, but it feels wrong in your mouth, doesn't it? like it's too big or like it'll break something. when we're drowning there is a period known as 'voluntary apnea'. our instinct to not inhale water is stronger than our need to release the buildup of carbon dioxide that occurs when we hold our breath for too long. the brain can cause us to endure the increasing terror and physical pain because of this survival instinct. and it feels like your ability to say no is behind this kind of mental block too. when you do say no to things it almost feels apologetic, and is riddled with apologies and reassurance. you don't want to do this or that, but it's just today, maybe some other time, you'll check your calendar, assure them it's not like you don't care, you're just busy, you gotta go. you'll find any excuse that sounds reasonable when you don't have one. and for what? you don't need to explain yourself. no is a full sentence.

it really feels like you're on the outside looking in. you have a fear of not just missing out, but being left behind. it's like you've convinced yourself that in order to be worthy and good you need to please everybody. maybe in your past you've been betrayed, experienced neglect or really, truly, felt all alone and without support and guidance. so when you're around people you're on your best behaviour. you listen and you are eager to learn. you adopt people's hobbies or otherwise make an effort to be there for them. people come to you for advice, you're a shoulder to cry on, a problem solver, a good time. but when you get overwhelmed, your nerves get the best of you and you need someone to lean on, you feel like you shouldn't burden people. they have better things to do. maybe they wouldn't be able to help anyway, so why bother?

in many ways you feel like a ghost. not quite sure where the influences of other people and life circumstances end and where you begin. your boundaries are so blurry it's no wonder you've accepted so many concepts of yourself that it feels like the hand of cards you were dealt are masks instead of tools. you may need some time in isolation and solitude for a while. not to say farewell to the world and become lonely, but learn to really be with yourself and figure out who you really are and who you want to be. put yourself on the operating table and start carefully removing things that don't serve your well-being. you are whole all within yourself, and i promise that it's all complete and good and worthy of so much love. you don't need to be patchwork quilt made of concepts forced upon you by the world. you're allowed to be yourself and grow in exactly the direction and at the speed that you want. there's room here under the sun for you too.

[aaabsinthe]

Hi!! Can I request crushing and relationship headcanons for Junkerqueen with a fem s/o? Like how would she realize she likes them? thank you! :)

Junker Queen x Female Reader Relationship Headcanons

A/N: It's been a while y'all - boy am I glad to be back. Literally right after I posted my note about all of the stuff I'm working on, I got slammed with the biggest assessment I've had in my course so far (17 documents total once I'd finally finished it) and caught scarlet fever of all thing so it's taken a good while for me to finally feel well enough and have spare time to write - but here we are!

I'm so excited to write for my favourite built queen - this gif alone is makin me feel things. I'm going to format all of these the same way from now on with SFW and NSFW headcanons from now on. Ofc there will be warning for the NSFW section :)

I hope you enjoy anon despite the wait!

-Nat

SFW Headcanons

Odessa is the kind of gal that isn't really impressed by appearances.

Sure, she has her preferences and finds certain things attractive, but that isn't what piques her interest.

For Dez, it's all about personality, especially if you're the kind of person who is merciful and gentle with others.

This doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, in fact if you stand up for yourself (physically or verbally) when you feel as if you are being treated unfairly or others are being treated unfairly, that's possibly the hottest thing you could ever do in her eyes.

It's just something about the Peter Pan types that really captivates her. Not just in stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, but in being self aware of your strengths and using them to do right by those who are not in the same position of privilege.

This is how she figures out that her little crush on you was not just a little crush anymore.

She overheard you and another agent talking about life before the crisis, and found out that you used to do volunteer work every weekend delivering essentials to the homeless in your city and how much you missed your community outreach.

That and she watched you sock a guy in the face after he attempted to grope your friend at a bar.

It's healing for her and her inner child and she finds herself looking up to you as a role model - she's aware she's no angel and has done many questionable things to survive out there in the wasteland.

However she hopes that now as a part of Overwatch, she can be better and similarly to you, that she can use her position to help others less fortunate.

Dez is fine with casual or short term relationships and has had plenty in her time, she doesn't necessarily need to know someone to be attracted to them - but when she built that emotional connection with you, that's when she knew she was in for the long run.

The best part about dating Dez is that she isn't embarrassed easily - she's very open from the beginning which means conversation flows naturally with her. The downside of this is that for the first few months of being together, getting to sleep was nearly impossible, three am deep conversations just hit different.

This also means if you ever need anything, she is more than happy to accommodate.

Sick? She keeps note of the medication you need and when you need to take it so she can make sure you take it (and bring you water in your comfort water bottle to boot). That time of the month? If somehow the stash of your preferred products are out, she knows what you use - she will get you more without you even needing to ask (she will however check if you crave anything in particular on the way out).

Expect to be doing the same for her when she gets sick - she becomes the biggest needy baby when she's not feeling well.

She's stuck in bed? Yep. So are you.

Not even by choice either, she cages you with her arms and well that's that. There's no fighting this goliath of a woman.

Loves her cuddles - all positions.

Her favourite is being the little spoon though. It's not often that she gets to feel protected and cocooned (can you really blame her).

Loves PDA - particularly keeping an arm around your waist or you attached to her arm at all times, though she's known to do a casual steamy kiss in public when she's feeling particularly jealous.

If you're not one for PDA, she respects that boundary... However she will pout at you with those big red puppy dog eyes.

Absolutely hopeless at cooking and baking though not for lack of trying. Wakes you up regularly cursing about burning her toast.

Of course it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

Speaking of waking you up, Dez has nightmares somewhat regularly.

She's always so thankful to have you there to vent to if she needs it and cuddle with until she's calm enough to fall back asleep.

NSFW CONTENT WARNING

NSFW Headcanons (18+)

Sex to Odessa is powerplay, a safe space to be strong and vulnerable all in one.

Hard dom top - that control means everything to her.

This woman loves a good scrap (duh), if you choose to be a bratty sub, she eats that shit up.

Go ahead, try and buck her off of you, she's not even using half her strength. She can hold you down much harder.

Expect to be begging for mercy.

The two of you develop a safe word very early on in your relationship, Odessa would never forgive herself if she pushed you past your limit.

Definitely has and regularly uses an appropriately sized strap (ouch).

Dez has her kinks. Sex between the two of you is rarely vanilla unless other feelings are involved. She's entuned to what you need and your emotions, she knows when you need the gentler and less complicated sex or when you honestly just need someone to hold you.

That being said, she has a reasonably high sex drive. She can manage on her own if you can't or don't feel like it, but say the words and honestly she's ready when you are.

Though she really would prefer you called her Dez, Odessa, babe - really anything other than her title outside of the bedroom, call her your queen between the sheets - she'll go berserk.

Dabbles in pain play, something of an every now and then addition to the bedroom, it's not something she needs and the both of you really have to be in the mood for the more intensive side of sex. She does however love to see you take Gracie's hilt in every hole.

Unless you'd consider overstimulation a form of pain play. There is nothing she loves more than watching you struggle and beg with tears leaking from your eyes, completely at her mercy.

Light bondage when she doesn't feel like physically restraining you herself.

Claims your face as her throne whenever the mood strikes.

Speaking of claiming, your neck, collarbone and tits are never safe from her demanding mouth.

There aren't really many kinks that Dez would feel uncomfortable with, she would try pretty much anything before she knocks it.

Definite no though - I feel like she'd laugh at ironically calling her 'mommy'/'mummy', especially if you have a different accent, but considering her complicated family past, it just hits a little too close to home to take it seriously especially during sex.

Obviously amazing at foreplay, she knows what she likes which makes it so much easier from the start (not to mention her cheekily buying vibrating piercings just to mess with you) but honestly the best part is that she's enjoying herself just as much as you.

It's all give and take with Dez, you give as much as you get.

[marvelouslizzie]

unconventional methods - chapter 3

Summary: Bucky and Bunny finally find some time to talk and clear things up. Will communicating solve their problems?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader (SHIELD Agent Bucky Barnes x Adult Content Creator SHIELD Agent Reader)

Word Count: 7.6K

Warnings: 18+ NSFW MINORS DNI, sex deprivation, touch-starved couple, pet names, oral sex (f and m receiving), fingering, p in v sex with no protection (both parties are clean and she’s on birth control), slight dirty talk if you squint, having a hard time to vocalize wants or needs, mentions of past trauma, mentions of forced sex work, overthinking, emotional support, no mention of y/n.

A/N: Once again, thank you so much for showing interest in this story. This is the last chapter but if you wonder something about this couple, if you want some headcanons or you have ideas about them, you can always send me a request. Not just about this story, don’t hesitate to message me or send me a question. Unless it’s a hate message. They are never welcome.

If you didn’t read the first or the second chapter, you definitely should before reading this one.

unconventional methods - chapter 1

unconventional methods - chapter 2

marvelous lizzie’s masterlist

Once again a big thank you to @notafunkiller and @es1dit for everything. They helped me so much. I can’t thank them enough for supporting me during this journey.

All work is mine, please do not repost or translate without my permission. Every like, comment, and reblog is highly appreciated.

Read more tag starts after the first paragraph of the story.

<<< Previous Chapter

As she promised, Agent Elvisa was waiting for Bucky at the SHIELD headquarters when he returned. Despite being tired and wounded, he was much calmer than before. Taking some time to reflect made him realize how harsh he was. He just felt betrayed and humiliated before, but after seeing what she had been working on, seeing those people suffering in the hands of HYDRA and having the privilege to help them made him understand this wasn’t about him. This whole thing was a critical mission, and they were just caught up in the mess. 

The problem was that he didn’t know how to proceed anymore, but luckily Agent Elvisa approached him at the first opportunity.

“Hey,” Her voice felt so soothing to his ears. He always thought she had a silky tone, and enjoyed it in the videos she shared, but hearing it in real life was a completely different experience. Especially when they weren’t fighting.

“Hey.”

“You are bleeding.” Her eyes were fixed on his left eyebrow. It was a simple cut, one that would heal by itself, but she looked concerned nonetheless.

“It’s fine.” His response came instantly. “I will be healed soon.”

“No.” She shook her head, rejecting his oversimplification. “It needs to be cleaned.”

“Believe me, I have had worse wounds that healed by themselves.”

His response made her grimace. “You thought that would convince me, but it made it even worse.” She gently grabbed his arm and steered him to another room. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“I’m just gonna clean the cut, okay? I don’t wanna hear any complaints.”

It was impossible for Bucky not to smile a little. It’s been a while since someone was worried about him. The fact that someone cared about him enough to make a big deal out of a simple cut made him feel... cared for. That’s why he followed her without saying a word. Agent Elvisa made him sit down while looking for a first aid kit.

“We should talk,” she said while opening and closing some drawers.

“Is that why you insisted on cleaning the wound?” 

“Yes and no. I think it should be cleaned, but I also wanted to talk. I’ve been thinking a lot since you left.” 

“Me too, but I don’t think we should do it here.” Bucky didn’t want someone to eavesdrop. This was an extremely private thing to talk and SHIELD headquarters weren’t the place.

“Okay.” She finally looked back at him. “There’s no first aid kit here.”

Bucky looked around, making a point without saying anything. It didn’t look like this particular room would have any first aid kits.

“Fine.” She accepted the defeat. “You are right, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna give up. Wait here until I find a first aid kit.” She raised her index finger. “Do not move.”

“Yes ma’am.” 

She smiled at him before leaving the room. 

***

Bunny struggled to find the medical kit she needed, but when she finally did, she quickly made her way back. She stopped in her tracks as soon as she heard Natasha's voice when she got closer to the door.

“So that’s it?” She heard Natasha asking.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Natasha.”

“Just don’t hold this against her. She had no idea.”

“I’m aware of it. That’s not the problem.” Bucky sounded a bit defensive.

“Then what is the problem?”

“I just…” He stopped for a second. “I just don’t know what is real and what’s not anymore. That’s the problem.”

Hearing that last sentence just shattered her heart. She didn’t even know who he was until that video call yet he was questioning everything, every conversation they had. It made her feel like crap. Like he was no different from the men who treated her like shit just because of what she was doing. It was foolish of her to believe that he was different.

Harshly, she pushed the door all the way and stormed inside. Bucky and Natasha looked in her direction, completely blindsided by her presence. 

“Oh, hey. I was just talking to–” Natasha tried to talk, but she didn’t even glance in her direction.

“You don’t need this.” Slamming the first aid kit on the table, she looked directly at Bucky. “You don’t need me and believe me when I say, I don’t need you. I just wanted to talk and make things clear, but now I understand that’s not what you want at all. I don’t need to explain myself to you. I don’t need convince what part of me is real. If you're questioning this... this thing between us or what we shared, you can go to hell.”

Her rage caught them off guard. And before he could say anything, she stormed out of the room. Bucky and Natasha stared at each other, feeling completely lost.

“Go after her, you loon!” Finally, Natasha snapped him out of his shock and he quickly took her advice. When he finally caught up with her, she was about to hop on her motorcycle.

“Bunny!” Hearing him call her Bunny again made her stop. 

“What?” 

“What the fuck was all of that?” He looked confused and angrier than before. “You are gonna tell me to go to hell and just leave?”

“I heard your conversation, Bucky. What’s there to talk about if you think some things we shared weren’t even real.”

“I didn’t say they were not real.”

“You said you don’t know what was real and what was not.” She repeated what she remembered from their conversation.

“I’m just confused, okay? I didn’t do this for a long time. Why do you think I started to follow you to begin with? I’m socially awkward and anxious. I’m clueless and after learning about your mission, I’m confused. I just don’t know what to think anymore.”

“I waited for you to return. I tried talking to you back there and you didn’t want to. And then I come to hear that you are questioning what was real. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“I didn’t say I don’t wanna talk, did I? I just didn’t want anybody else to hear what happened between us.”

His explanation made her stop for a second. “Then why didn’t you just say that?”

“I just told you. I’m awkward and anxious, okay? But I do wanna talk. I wanna understand. I’ve just come from the mission you’d been working so hard for. I saw how important it was. I understand this whole thing wasn’t about me, but you have to stop and think about how things look from my perspective when you say this was just a mission for you. I deserve some explanation. I think I deserve that much.” 

He was talking much calmer than before, trying to explain what he thinks. It made her notice how different things could be from his side. He simply had no clue. Just bits and pieces.

“Fine, let’s talk then.” She sighed deeply. “Your place or mine?”

“Yours. Mine is a mess.”

***

It didn’t take them long to arrive at her place. Bucky couldn’t help but look around carefully the moment he stepped inside. It was a small apartment with a single bedroom. The door was open, so he could actually see inside her private space and nothing seemed familiar. Which made him realize she did not do her photoshoots here. None of the content she shared was taken here. Nothing besides the photos she sent him privately. From day one, he was allowed to see her, in a vulnerable state, in her own home. If that wasn’t a sign of trust, what was?

“Do you wanna drink something?” Her question brought him back to reality. 

“I don’t think so.”

“Maybe a glass of water?” She suggested, thinking he must be exhausted from the mission.

He answered after considering the offer. “That would be good actually.” 

She quickly made her way to the kitchen, drinking a glass of water herself and then bringing him another. Bunny was sitting across from him when he finished drinking.

“So… What do you wanna know?” She asked as Bucky places the empty glass on the coffee table, getting right into the conversation.

“I just wanna know…” God, there were too many questions on his mind, but nothing was more important than this one. “Why did you start talking to me?”

“I answer almost every DM. It was a part of my mission: finding potential HYDRA hunters.” Her answer disappointed Bucky, but he just nodded quietly. “Yet I don’t keep talking to every one of them. I told you before.”

“You told me you end the conversation when it gets too far.” 

“Yes, I don’t entertain people in my DM’s. I just try to act like a normal adult content creator so they won’t suspect anything.”

“Is that what you were doing when you answered me?” Bucky wanted to know more details. He wanted to learn what changed and when.

“I was just answering a cute DM and you kept talking to me, differently compared to others. You were concerned while they were just wondering about the lack of content. I was sick, and feeling lonely. It was a huge mistake sending you a photo, but I’m lucky it didn’t jeopardize the mission. If it was someone else, it could’ve been a big problem. Not only HYDRA hunters, but there are also stalkers you know…” She noticed he was getting concerned about her safety. Then she quickly added, “Most of them are just shooting their shots, trying to see if they can score with me or if they can get some private content.”

“Right.” He sounded so uncomfortable, thinking about how hard it must be. 

“I’m good at detecting when they try to steer the conversation that way, so I do something before it’s too late. And you…” She took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts. “You never tried to do that. You kept talking to me like I’m a normal human being. You asked regular questions. I wondered how long it would take you to say something inappropriate, and you never did.”

“And that’s why you kept talking to me.”

“Yes. I liked talking to you. And then I found you extremely hot.” Bucky gave her a puzzled look. “When we exchanged photos.”

“Oh, right.” Extremely hot? he wondered, but didn't say it out loud.

“Talking to you was the best part of the whole operation, other than finally catching those bastards. You made my days bearable. I was looking forward to talking to you, getting to know you while trying not to get too invested because god knows how many married men use those platforms.”

“Best part of the operation?” Bucky repeated her words, his tone indicating he was having a bit of a hard time believing that was possible.

“I was lonely, Bucky. Isolated. Mistreated. After a long time, someone was talking to me like a normal human being. He was also a good-looking guy as far as I could see. I just let myself enjoy it, it shouldn’t be a crime.”

“I enjoyed it, too, you know.” He was trying to take everything in. “That’s why it hurt so much when I saw you in that meeting. I was shocked.”

“I didn’t expect to see you in that meeting. If I’d known, I would’ve talked to you during the video call. I was sure that we’d have time to speak face to face and explain that this was a mission, but you were the real part of this for me.” She was getting emotional, but she tried to hold her tears back. It was really hard to explain herself like this because she was always blamed for most of the stuff. Especially what happened to her in the past when she was captured by HYDRA. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. Just believe me, it was unintentional.”

“I wish you just explained everything to me when you saw who I was.”

“I was scared,” she admitted. “I was talking to my work crush the whole time, without knowing. I was afraid to mess it up. I thought you would get mad when you learn that the whole thing was an undercover operation and I’d lose my chance to explain everything.” She took another deep breath, trying to calm herself down. The fear of rejection was growing in her belly. A part of her was certain all the clarifications in the world wouldn’t be enough to make him stay. 

“Bunny...” She tried hard to hide her tears, but it was in vain. It was no surprise that Bucky noticed them right away. A second later, he moved right next to her, closing the distance between them. “Are you crying?”

“No.” Even though it was obvious, she tried to deny it at first. “I’m fine.”

Bucky gently touched her face, afraid to startle her, then carefully wiped a tear away with his thumb. 

“Please, don’t cry.” His hand remained on her face, and she leaned into his touch immediately. “Especially not because of me.”

“It’s just...” Bunny sniffed. “I know I ruined everything. No excuse will be good enough to fix things.”

“What are you talking about?” He was still gently caressing her cheek.

“I know that… you won’t forgive me, Bucky.”

Her words were clear enough, but it was the way she said those words that broke Bucky. Her pained voice and watery eyes… The realization finally hit him. She was really afraid of losing him. She actually thought they wouldn't be able to put this behind them. She assumed he would just decide to move on with his life after clearing things up. That was the exact same thing he was worried about all this time. He thought Bunny didn’t need him, that she could just continue her life without him.

He had no idea how long it had been since he felt someone actually cared about him this much and wanted him to stay after everything that happened. The feeling of being wanted by her was strange but so very welcome.

“You didn’t.” He slowly closed the distance between them, and his lips lightly brushed against hers. For a second, she had a bit of a hard time registering what’s just happened, but when she finally did, she started to kiss him back. He moved his lips as if he was afraid to break her, but in reality, he was afraid of his own reaction. It had been so long since someone touched him or kissed him. Her lips moving against his own made him whimper. He had no idea what to do with his hands, while Bunny angled her head a little and deepened the kiss. Her lips started to move more hungrily, letting out low moans as she kept on tasting him.

Bucky closed his eyes and let himself go. He was so lost in this, he didn’t realize Bunny was moving until he felt her weight on top of him. He opened his eyes just to see her wrapping her arms around his neck as she was tightening her legs around his torso. His head fell back, his mouth gaping as he let out a deep moan. Feeling her whole body pressed against him was simply too much. 

“Touch me, Bucky.”

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but it was the hardest thing he’s ever done so far. Looking into her eyes, he tried to get used to their proximity and her softness. His hand slowly moved back on her face, fingers gently grazing her skin as he tried to convince himself this wasn’t a dream. Bunny closed the distance between them and started to kiss him more hungrily than before. Lips moving fast, tongues and teeth cluttering... Bucky’s hands moved down to her neck, then to her collarbones, and kept on moving until he settled them on her waist. His mouth moved to her neck, slowly nibbling to see her reaction. Bunny’s loud moan was enough to make him start tp suck on her skin.

“God, please…” She sounded so desperate. “Please touch me.”

Bucky tightened his grip on her waist, reminding her that he was actually touching her, but that wasn’t enough. Impatiently, she grabbed both of his hands and pushed them against her breasts. All he could do was just blinking a couple of times before squeezing them a little bit harsher than he intended. He was so afraid of how rusty he would be at this, but Bunny let out a satisfied moan, proving him wrong. That was all he needed. His warm hands left her breasts, just to slip them under her top, making her gasp. Her skin was soft and welcoming as he moved them up to her breasts again. 

“Can I?” He lingered on her bra, wanting it off. She nodded eagerly.

It took him several tries to finally unclasp it, but Bunny didn’t offer her help, just waiting for him to get rid of it. As soon as it was unhooked, she removed her top and bra simultaneously, revealing her bare breasts. He looked mesmerized by her like he didn’t see her naked before, and it made her smile.

“Remember when you were talking about my nipples?”

“Yeah?” Bucky’s eyes didn’t leave her breasts, not for a second.

“You can do all of that now.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. He cupped both of her breasts, perking them up. One hand was colder than the other, but she didn’t care one bit. If nothing, that was proof the man in front of her was Bucky Barnes in flesh and blood and not a wet dream. He leaned in and started to leave soft kisses at first, then his lips wrapped around one of her nipples, and his tongue swirled around. He took his sweet time as if he was tasting the most delicious dessert on earth. He used his free hand to massage her other breast as he kept licking her nipple. Unable to control her reaction, her back arched. 

“Oh fuck!” Everything he was doing with his tongue was sending waves of pleasure through her body. She could feel the wetness starting to pool between her legs. She was more ready for the next step. His rock-hard erection poking at her core made it even harder to stay in control. She started to move her hips, trying to get a little friction, and that finally made him break away from her nipple. The loud wet sound caused her to bite her lower lip, his hands quickly wrapping around her body before he unexpectedly stood up.

“What are you doing?” She sounded so surprised, and Bucky chuckled in response. Her legs tightened around his torso while he started to walk towards her bedroom.

“Taking you to bed.” As soon as he was done speaking, he dived back into her neck, kissing her lightly while walking.

In a few seconds, Bucky layed her gently on the edge of the bed, and she quickly raised herself up on her elbows to watch him grabbing her pants and underwear without losing any time and tugging them down. He looked at her with utter hunger while trying to convince himself this was really happening. Slowly he kneeled, gently placing his hands on her tights, and looked up at her.

“Can I taste you?” How he asked this question felt like he was asking for a glass of water after a long day.

“We can do that later, come here.” She wanted to feel his skin against hers, already missing his warmth.

“I promise I will do whatever you want, just please, let me taste you first.” The desperation in his voice was making it hard to say no, so she nodded. For a second, he looked like a kid on Christmas morning, giving her the biggest smile.

Bucky’s hands slowly moved on her legs, trying to feel every inch of her. The motion was also helping him to ground himself. Slowly he leaned in, but instead of doing what she was hoping for, his lips landed on her thighs, leaving a wet trail of kisses. As time passed, the wetness started to drip from her center, making it even more evident. Not only could he see it, but he could also smell how intoxicating it was.

Finally, when he was satisfied with his work, his tongue lightly brushed directly against her clit. They both moaned at the same time for different reasons. While she was electrified by the feeling of his tongue, he was getting lost in her taste. It was so good, he couldn’t help but lick a couple more times in a row like he was starving.

“Fuck, yes!” She whined as the pleasure started to spread. “Oh god, yes!” 

Bucky was busy licking her from bottom to top, and every time his tongue brushed against her clit, Bunny was making the most delicious sounds. Unexpectedly, he pushed both of his hands under her ass and pulled her close to his mouth.

“Bucky!” Her yelp amused him, but he didn’t stop. By focusing on her clit, he was able to deepen his licks and elevate the pleasure by flattening his tongue against her clit fast. This new sensation made her legs buckle, and she grabbed his hair way more harshly than she anticipated.

“F-fuck, Bucky. Keep going, p-please.” He had no intention to do otherwise. As his tongue continued to work, Bunny kept on begging. “I-I’m close. Please, don’t s-stop!” 

When she finally reached the climax, her entire body was burning with pleasure. She was mindlessly moaning and gripping his hair as he continued to work through her orgasm. After a while, her hands let go of his hair, and that’s when he started to slow down.

“Are you okay?” His chin was resting on her lower tummy.

She took a deep breath before answering. “I’m more than okay.”

Before moving his head back between her legs, Bucky chuckled. Her eyes instinctively lowered when she felt the shift just to see him pushing his middle finger inside her without any warning. She jerked back while gasping for air.

“Bucky!”

“What?” He asked with a smirk. Before she could even open her mouth to respond, he started to move his fingers, and whatever she was going to say did not matter anymore. Soon, his finger was already soaked with her arousal, so he didn’t wait long to add the second finger.

“Shit, Bucky, this feels so good.” She moved her hips up to increase the friction as she spoke.

“Stay put, doll.” His metal hand settled on her tummy, pushing her down as gently as possible. “Just let me…” He thrusted his fingers harder than before, pressing against the upper walls.

“Oh my fucking god…” She cried out while he felt how she started to squeeze his fingers. She was getting closer, but he wanted this orgasm to be much better than the previous one. After licking his lips at the thought of tasting her again, he leaned in to give her another lick. Suddenly, Bunny’s hand was back in his hair, gripping harder than before.

“Yes, yes, yes. Bucky, yes!” He wanted to smile so badly, but he had something more important to do. As he continued to lick her, he added a third finger, hoping this would push her over the edge. The way she moaned was the most sinful thing he ever heard, and he was already dying to hear it again. He kept moving his fingers quicker and felt her grip tightening in his hair.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, Bucky… Please, don’t stop!”

He wanted to say he won’t, not until she comes again, but he couldn’t. He knew better not to change anything when she was begging for more. Bunny's second orgasm ripped her apart as he kept moving his fingers in and out relentlessly. She kept repeating his name like prayer until the pleasure turned into overstimulation.

“Oh my god,” She spoke after taking another deep breath. She felt like she was floating as her recent orgasm still made her lightly jerk a little. When Bucky finally removed his fingers, she trembled one more time.

“How are you feeling?” She felt Bucky moving onto the bed..

“Great.” She had a huge smile on her face, which made his heart swell with pride.

Bunny jumped on top of him as soon as he lay next to her. Although he was surprised by the sudden change, he moved his hands to her hips and began to caress her.

“I think it’s time to get you undressed, Sergeant Barnes.”

For the first time, she saw how her words affected him up close as his gaze changed into something darker. She kept on looking in his blue eyes while she leaned down and gave him a kiss on the lips before bringing her mouth right under his ear.

“Will you take your clothes off for me, Sarge?” The way she was talking sent shivers down his spine.

“As you wish.”

Bucky rolled her over so suddenly, she couldn’t even understand what was happening until her back touched the mattress. He quickly stood up and started to undress under her glare. Her eyes focused on his upper body until it was time to take his boxers off. His erection sprung out, and she could already feel her mouth watering at the sight.

“Is this better?” He raised both of her hands with a smile on his face.

“Much better. Now come here.” She gently patted the empty space right next to her, and he silently obeyed. As soon as he sat down, Bunny was all over him. She gently pushed him down. Her hands slowly moved down to his body, enjoying how his skin felt against hers. Firm and warm. She drew circles with her hands, caressing the same places over and over again until Bucky couldn’t help but moan at the sensation. 

“You like that, baby?” The way she was speaking, that fucking tone… God, he was melting inside. 

“Yes.” He breathed out. “So much.”

“Want me to touch you more?”

He nodded so eagerly, Bunny couldn’t just look at his beautiful face. She leaned down to give him a kiss. His hands quickly wrapped around her body, pulling her closer. It was messy and wet until Bunny moved her lips to his cheeks. He huffed with disappointment, but she didn’t stop. She covered his face with kisses. He felt her soft lips on his cheeks, eyelids, and jaw until she decided to move to his neck.

“I need more,” Bucky whimpered as she kept kissing.

“Tell me what you need.” Her hands were moving on his chest, fueling his hunger.

“More. More of everything.” He took a deep breath, trying to calm down, but it had been such a long time since he was touched like this. He was craving for more, it didn’t matter what. “Just… touch me.”

Her fingers grazed over his nipples, making their way down as she opened up a bit more. 

“What if I…” She gently wrapped her hands around his cock. “did this?”

“Ohgodyes.” 

Bunny slowly moved her hand with a smile on her face. “What about this?”

He choked on his words, just letting out an unintelligible sound.

“You like that, don’t you?” He managed to nod as she kept moving her hand up and down. Before he could even realize it, she moved all the way back. When she removed her hand from his hard cock, he wanted to protest, but the moment he looked down, the sight of Bunny between his legs welcomed him.

She didn’t say a word, just looked into his eyes before lowering herself and taking the tip of his cock into her mouth.

“Oh, fuck!” His head fell back onto the mattress. 

Her tongue swirled around the tip, grazing over the sensitive spot. Her wet mouth and her hot tongue were driving him crazy already. He could feel the pleasure bottling up. 

“Bunny…” He hardly managed to say it out loud. She didn’t stop, just looked up to see his pretty face. “Baby, you gotta stop, please.” The words came out as if he was in agony. She had no choice but to release his cock.

“Am I hurting you?” Her wrinkled brows were enough for him to understand how truly concerned she was. 

“No, no, no. God, no.” He quickly tried to explain. “I just… don’t wanna come inside your mouth. Not this time. It has been a long time. Very long. I just wanna feel you come around my cock as I come. Is that okay?”

The relief on her face turned into a smile. “It’s more than okay.”

“I don’t have a condom with me though.” 

“I’m clean and on pills.” He knew what that meant and the question she wasn’t vocalizing.

“I’m clean, too, according to the regular SHIELD check-ups.”

“Great.” She bit her bottom lips as she moved closer to him. “So what now?”

Once again, Bucky wrapped his hands around her and rolled her over. 

“This is turning into a habit, Sarge.”

“You have any complaints?” His playful tone put another smile on her face.

“Nope, not yet.”

“Not yet? Hmm…” He didn’t say anything else, just grabbed his cock and looked back at her to see if she changed her mind, but instead, she was staring at him with wide eyes and parted lips.

Bucky rubbed the head of his cock between her folds and her slick arousal started to cover it. After a couple more rubs, he finally pushed himself inside. It took only one swift thrust and he was all in.

“Fuck, baby.” He gasped at the sensation as his head fell down on her shoulder. It was so overwhelming to feel surrounded by her wetness and warmth. So intense. “You feel so good, my god.”

When he pulled back to look at her, Bunny’s hand went to his face. She pushed a strand of hair that fell on his forehead.

“Are you okay?” The question came after standing still for a while.

“I’m good, don’t worry about me.” Bunny’s dismissive answer didn’t sit right with him.

“You are my main concern, all the time, okay? Tell me how does this feel?” His voice was so soft and caring, she didn’t even realize she was tearing up. “Please, tell me I’m not hurting you.”

“You are not.” She quickly wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. “Nobody ever asked me that. That’s all.”

Bucky cupped her cheek with his flesh hand. “I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault.” Her bittersweet smile made him want to kill every single man who recklessly hurt her.

“Just tell me to stop if you don’t want something, okay, doll? That’s all I am asking from you.”

“I will try.” She gulped down. “It’s gonna be hard, but I will try.”

“Maybe we should stop.” He didn’t wanna push her to do something she wasn’t comfortable.

“No, no. It’s my problem. Sometimes… I have a hard time vocalizing what I want or don’t want.”

“Do you want this?” Bunny eagerly nodded. “I need you to use your words.”

“I want this, Bucky. Please move.”

He slowly and carefully started to move. “How is this pace?”

“It’s good. Very good.” Her words made it clear that she was enjoying it, but the way she said them… moved something inside him. It was full of need.

He couldn’t stop himself from leaning down and starting to kiss her as he kept moving. Quickly, it became really messy. Lips crashing, tongues dancing, hands moving all over… In the blinking of an eye, she was on top of him, desperately moving her hips against him. It didn’t take her long to shutter. Watching her orgasm so up close was something else. The blissful expression on her face, her open mouth, and the way she was moaning mindlessly stunned him. 

“God, you are so beautiful.” His thumb moved from her cheek to her bottom lip. He closed the distance and gave her a hungry kiss. His tongue brushed against hers, making her moan again. “I don’t think I can hold back more.”

“I don’t remember asking you to hold back.”

Bucky tilted his head while pursing his lips. “True, but you didn’t have to.”

Bunny started to rock her hips again as she talked. “Please, stop holding back. Stop being so careful. I’m not made of glass.”

“I know that.” The way she was moving made it hard for him to speak. “God, tell me, what position do you want next?”

She didn’t say anything. Instead, she moved away from him and lay down on her back on the edge of the bed. Bucky silently followed her, and in a second, he was back inside her as she pulled her knees back to her chest.

“Does this feel good?” 

“Yes.” She seemed pretty content. “Just put some pressure on my legs.” As soon as he did that and started to move, they both felt the difference. It felt like she was much tighter than before and he was touching all the right places.

“Oh, fuck.” Bucky growled. It was much harder to hold back.

“Faster, Bucky, please.” She pleaded, already feeling drunk on pleasure. As he fulfilled her request, her moans became erratic. “Yes, yes, yes!”

“God, I’m so deep inside you.” 

“It feels so good. Please… Please, baby, faster.” Her words encouraged him to finally take what he wanted. He started to pound into her. Long yet fast thrusts started to consume her. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, Bucky, Bucky…” She gripped the sheets, trying to keep her eyes open.

“God, look at you.” He couldn’t take his eyes off her. “My pretty girl, look at yourself. Taking me so deep.”

“Oh, fuck, fuck Bucky!” She took a deep breath. “You are gonna make me come again!”

His response was a loud groan, finally feeling free to come himself. 

“Yes, let yourself go, yes.” He keeps talking between thrusts.

Bunny’s eyes roll back with pleasure, her legs trembling while she lets out a cry. He keeps fucking her through her orgasm, thrusting harder than before and allowing himself to follow her. Bucky let out the most broken cry she’s ever heard coming from his mouth as he started to come, but he didn’t stop. He kept on thrusting, ignoring the feeling of overstimulation until she was done coming.

He pulled himself out with a hiss, and neither of them said a word as they lay together. They feared they'd spoil such a blissful moment, knowing there was other stuff they needed to discuss. Bunny began to feel cold as their breathing returned to normal, so with a quick movement, she got under the duvet, keeping it open while looking directly at Bucky. She was silently offering to cover him as well, and he didn’t wait to comply. When he finally settled in, they were facing each other.

“Can we stay like this? Just for a while?”

“Of course, we can.” Bucky wanted nothing more than to just stay in the bed with he, in their own bubble. And they did for a couple of minutes, but little by little, reality slowly filtered back into their minds as the fog of their orgasms got lifted.

“Just so you know, just because we had sex, it doesn’t mean everything is perfect now. We have a lot to talk about that we haven't figured out, but I still want you to stay.”

“Believe me, I know, but we can figure it out together.” A smile spread across her face. That was all she wanted to hear. 

“Sounds like a good plan.” Bucky moved his hand over her exposed arm. It was a thoughtless movement, but his touch helped her relax. After a couple more strokes, Bucky felt some kind of patterned bump on her skin, and as he explored it, he instantly recognized it.

“Is that…” His question remained unfinished because he already knew the answer.

“A property tattoo.”

“Property of HYDRA?” The words came out like he couldn’t believe it.

Bunny squirmed uncomfortably. It was never an easy topic for her, but there was no way out of this conversation. Maybe it would be better to talk about it now. Like pulling a band-aid off.

“Do you remember when I said maybe I can tell you how I can be so sure about you one day?” Bucky nodded, remembering what she said when she first saw his face. “I guess that day is today.”

“I think I already know what you are about to say.” It was clear. Bunny was the property of HYDRA for god knows how long and somehow she managed to get out of it. “Look, we don’t have to talk about it now if it makes you uncomfortable. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“I know that, but I want to explain anyway.” Bucky narrowed his eyes. “And it’s never easy to talk about this. So…” Her voice was trembling as she was talking.

“I’m ready to listen, whenever you want.”

Bunny took a deep breath, trying to brace herself. “I was captured by HYDRA when I was young.” The sentence came out as a whole like she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to finish it if she didn’t hurry up. “I was forced to be a part of their human trafficking network… satisfy clients to bring more money or please the higher-ups so I can stay alive. It went on like this for years until one day… I was in the right place at the right time.” She rubbed her face, trying to focus on her words instead of the lump in her throat so she could continue. “That day, SHIELD was attempting to capture some higher-ups and… I happened to be there just because someone requested my presence. Can you believe that? That was all. I was lucky enough to get saved by Nick Fury.”

“And you wanted to help the ones who weren’t lucky enough.” Bucky finally started to put the puzzle pieces together. He couldn’t believe she also suffered at the hands of HYDRA, already feeling guilty that he couldn’t be the one to help her.

“Yes. Director Fury helped me. He even gave me my name, Elvisa. Do you know what it means?” Bucky shook his head. “It means safe.”

“Because you were finally safe.” Bucky felt the weight of the word as he was speaking. This time, Bunny shook her head in agreement. That name meant a lot to her. 

“I am so sorry, doll. So sorry I didn’t notice why this case was so important to you. Why you said you can’t always express what you want during sex.” He felt like shit because finally, her harsh reaction at the SHIELD headquarters was making sense. He wondered how many people in her life thought she was just faking stuff.

“How could you even know, Bucky? You have nothing to apologize for. You did nothing wrong.” Her eyes were watery, but she did not cry. All this time, whenever she talked about this, tears would fall down, and she had no intention to let that happen again. She wanted to stay strong. She wanted to prove to herself that she was healing.

“I wish I could-” Bunny already knew what he was about to say and she didn’t let him finish.

“No, there was nothing you could do to save me earlier. Even if our paths crossed, you were a captive yourself, remember?” Focusing on Bucky was helping her to surpass all the emotions she was feeling. 

“Sometimes I think I just could’ve done more… Maybe I could’ve save myself and others… Others like you.” He sounded so broken, and Bunny couldn’t take it. She grabbed his face and forced him to look into her eyes.

“Stop torturing yourself with maybes and what-ifs.” Her voice came out harsher than she intended, so she tried to soften it as she went on. “What’s done is done. We can’t change the past, but we can shape our future.” Bucky nodded, still looking emotional. He knew that, but he couldn’t help but think about how different thing would have been if he could have just broken free. If he’d been strong enough… Bunny noticed he was getting lost in his thoughts and tried to get his attention. “Just focus on the present and the future, okay? 

“It’s not that easy.” Bucky finally found his words to answer her. 

“Believe me, I know, but we have to try. Just stop for a second and think about what you want your future to be like. Try to imagine how different things can be.” Bucky didn’t know how to keep his focus on the future. He’d been living day by day for so long, not daring to think about what the future might bring because a part of him was afraid that the moment he started to think about it, the moment he let himself hope for a future, everything would go down in flames. 

“I- I don’t know.” He sounded completely lost. 

“Just one thing. Tell me one thing you want in your future. That’s enough for now.” She tried to simplify it as much as possible. “That should be enough to keep your focus on the future.”

After thinking for a second, Bucky finally came up with a response. 

“I want to have you in my future.” He wasn’t sure if he was crossing a line or not, but he didn’t feel like keeping that thought to himself. “Is that okay?”

A warm smile spread across her face. “I think we might be able to arrange that.” 

***

In the middle of a boring day at work, Bucky found himself at a co-worker's birthday party after doing a lot of boring paperwork. He would rather be at home, cuddling his favorite girl, but they compromised on stopping by the party first and then cuddling at home. Normally, nobody could persuade him to socialize like this, especially since he had much better options, but Bunny was another story.

Not only that, but this time Bucky actually knew whose birthday it was, and instead of hiding in the corner, he was chilling on the big couch, with his arms around Bunny’s upper body. She was restin her head on his shoulder while talking to another agent. Although he didn't know her name, he saw her talking to Bunny numerous times. His assumption was that they were in friendly terms with each other.

Since their conversation was about a minor work misunderstanding, he didn't pay too much attention. Besides, his focus was slowly drifting toward Bunny's warmth more and more, just thinking about all the things he could be doing if they were at home. They both agreed on keeping a civil level of PDA at events like this, meaning there would be no doubt that they were a couple, but nothing inappropriate.

Bucky wasn't sure when their relationship had become public knowledge in SHIELD, but they were able to express affection for each other gradually. It wasn’t like they were ever trying to completely hide their closeness. They just tried to keep it as lowkey as possible. But it was a hard task since Bucky grabbed her arm after that meeting. People were nosy and wanted to know what happened between them, but somehow Bunny managed to dodge their questions. Bucky’s experience was much different than hers. Except for Natasha and Sam, he couldn't recall any particular moment when he was asked about his relationship with Bunny. Not that he would ever call her Bunny around co-workers. That was a private nickname. She was Agent Elvisa and he was Sergeant Barnes whenever they were at work.

I guess they put two and two together, he thought, not knowing that most of the people were actually afraid to ask him a personal question like this. 

“Can I ask you something?” Bucky's attention was caught by her wary tone.

“Of course.” Bunny raised her head, but didn't move away from his touch. His arms were still around her body.

“I don’t think you’ve ever told the story about how you two actually met.” God, she must be really curious since she is asking this nervous as fuck, Bucky thought.

They both knew it was only a matter of time before people started to ask about their relationship and how it all started openly. Everybody knew they had two different divisions. It wasn’t likely for them to work together for an extended period of time or see each other regularly. That was why they came up with an acceptable version of their story. Not a lie, but not the complete truth, either. Just something that gets people off their backs.

“Oh, that was Natasha’s doing.” 

“Really? I didn’t think Natasha Romanoff would be a cupid.” She was genuinely surprised.

“Oh, you have no idea how nosy Romanoff can be.” Bucky couldn’t help but comment for the first time. As he spoke, the girl's eyes moved towards him in surprise.

“She is only nosy when it comes to her friends, and I guess she just had a feeling about us.” Bunny quickly explained in a cute tone.

Her words made Bucky look into her eyes. They didn’t know if it was just a feeling or if she was just simply bored, but they were grateful nonetheless.

taglist (I tried to tag everyone who showed interest in chapter two. If you would rather not be included please let me know.)

@geminiflanagansblog @sadg1rlsei @lia-winther @nanikio @barnesboo1967 @chinaza444 @kaitlin013106 @ryanmxrie @steverogers-wife @weaselbeedisneygeek @tilltheendofthelinepal9950 @happyxdayxbitch @marvelogic @wintasssoldier @buckybarnessimpp @marvelsbitchh @alright-i-guesss @almosttoopizza @rabbitrabbit12321 @cookielovesbook-akie @whalien52bbgrl @cjand10 @scifinerd1818  @dellalyra @capswife @netherqueen23 @beware-my-thorns @freegardenbanananeck @iamstevessmile @raven1234321 @divadinag @noisesinthedark @amanda-says @ozwriterchick @sleyeveryday @arsonfrogger @lfaewrites @alana4610 @splendidreads @acatwriteshere @weirdothatwritess @spider-boyy @shelbygeek @doublevirgogirl @tarotwitchy-main @r02eg0ld @raelorns21 @amberpanda99

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I keep getting wind of a take that Ed's behavior in s1e10 was "unhealthy" and used as proof that he wasn't starting to heal (usually to insist that Izzy's threats weren't as damaging as they clearly were), and I'm kinda lost on where that even comes from, honestly. I truly do not get it.

Ed's just been through an intensely confusing and upsetting breakup. He has no idea why Stede abandoned him, and Stede is the first person he's ever felt like this for. And he responds by...building a blanket fort, eating lots of marmalade out the jar with his fingers, writing some shitty poetry, singing songs, and trying to reach out to others. Genuinely I've had way worse breakups and that's without the whole "asked the first love I've ever had to run away with me and he abandoned me" thing. Ed is doing really well, he wallows for a bit but then he tries to invite others in and express himself in healthy ways like art. If anything this shows us that Ed, while a deeply emotional person, isn't really given to extreme behaviors even when very upset.

I don't think there's any real way to look at Ed's behavior in s1e10 in good faith and come away thinking he wasn't starting to heal. He was trying so fucking hard, he was upset but especially after his little song his body language was very open and relaxed and he was trying to do things to clean up his space and make himself feel better.

I think the load-bearing portion of this argument is taking it as a given that "Izzy wouldn't have affected him so much if he was really healing," which I think is a remarkably simplistic view of what healing looks like. Ed was healing...and he was also still in a vulnerable place and Izzy's threats played on Ed's history and triggers in the right way to make him feel not only as if he could no longer lean back on the support system he was trying to create but that it was impossible for that support system to ever exist for him in the first place. He was trying to feel vulnerable, communicate his long-standing desire to not be pirates anymore, and treat the crew like friends, and Izzy's threats made him feel that it was impossible for him to express those desires without being punished.

Literally what's not clicking. I thought we had this all sussed out back when this episode originally aired

[shirecorn]

I mean Starlight's town is obviously a cult even in the show. And the implications of being able to take away someones destiny like that is kinda scary, like their cutie mark in canon is pretty much a part of their soul. Certainly a good portion of their total magic. The only possible good thing I can see is in a Trouble Shoes situation where his destiny causes him daily pain because it's literally bad luck. And that's being optimistic about it.

that's why I'm thinking that "special talent" is purely cultural. The importance, perks, and taboos vary from community to community, but it's all in all a very positive rite of passage for foals to find something they like.

Some communities make you commit to that for the rest of your life, others say you can change your talent and it's all about what makes you happy for now.

Starlight probably came from a town where your talent was EVERYTHING and Sunburst was literally ripped away from her when their community decided his talent was magic and shipped him off to magic school.

So she was thinking she would get away from this whole system of what makes you "special" and then went way way way way too far and stripped everyone under her control of any sort of individuality. I'm surprised she even let them keep their names.

Healing her compound town is a lot more complicated than removing the cult leader, since most of them joined her town for a reason, also feeling the pressure of this "special talent" destiny from their various communities. But as cults do, it turned to abuse and control. Now without her they are able to explore things they enjoy, but it's uncertain and still feels taboo.

Her magic influence was to make it literally impossible for them to connect with their passions, which sure did remove the whole Special Talent issue but is also Literally Depression

[nqmonarch]

Jing Yuan Hugs You Until You Stop Crying

Even though there weren't any physical wounds you wished there were. Then you would have a reason to be upset. It would be okay to cry. They would heal and everything would be fine. Maybe they'd scar and leave a slight mark but they wouldn't hurt after their designated mending period. It'd been too long for you to still be upset over this. It should've only taken a week to get over at most, not a month, not a year, not several, not a decade, but you knew these times would come in the future and you would still be crying. Over this.

It was a bit pathetic. To clutch onto your bed sheets like they were all you had. Like they were the anchor keeping you tethered to this mortal plane. If not for them you would've been lost, screaming, crying, blinded, deafened, in agony. Your body acted as a shield, shaking at your thoughts, trembling uncontrollably, weak and timid. Yet they stopped your thoughts and held them, as if in a make shift hug. What is the body for if not to hug the mind?

He had approached you quietly, the only sound coming from his boots clicking against the tiles. That was a lie. There was more sound. The mundane constant ticking of the clock, of machinery keeping the house alive and warm, the sound of your quickened breaths moving in rhythm with your heart going up in pitch when your heart tightened and lowering when your heart wanted to rip itself open. He was swift in his movements, as if on an urgent mission, but when he reached you he stilled and knelt down.

Face to face. You still couldn't speak. Your eyes couldn't tell him everything. You couldn't say anything. Not what you had been through and what you hadn't, not the thoughts you couldn't even think and only felt, you couldn't even say "I'm fine." A basic lie, spoken every day, "I'm good, how are you?" No one ever wants to hear that someone's bad it's just a common courtesy. How can you ever cry out for help when you're too busy maintaining formalities?

This wasn't a story. Even long after the problem had been solved and over would the effects resonate forever, burned into your mind like a melody. You wouldn't be able to communicate with just your bodies or your eyes, which could never convey the extent of your emotions alone. But at least you weren't alone.

Even if you were alone in body, he'd be there for you mentally. His support, his kind words, his comfort always trailing slightly behind to remind you. To remind you to keep fighting. You had to keep fighting. If not for him then for yourself. You deserved to smile. You deserved happiness and enjoyment and the ability to feel content. You deserved to live a good life. You deserved to exist.

He breathed slower than you, moved your hand to his heart, then placed his on your heart. You were sure your hearts were beating in rhythm. Maybe not together but in the way two different beats could make a beautiful song. Your breaths weren't perfectly harmonized but synced together, his on beat and yours off. Everything in your life felt terribly off. Impossible to enjoy, to keep fighting for. But you could because you were strong. Stronger than you ever thought yourself to be.

Jing Yuan embraced you without question. It was a safe sanctuary, an enclosure with only the purpose of allowing you to breathe for a moment before the world swallowed you back up. Your trembling body, his steady one. A rock to anchor yourself too, you clutched his back wrapping yourself around him like a sailor lost at sea who'd finally found something to keep them afloat.

Then you cried. You could finally cry. Loud sobs wracked your body, ugly and animalistic, your breathing was erratic, and you had fallen apart at the seams, knowing that Jing Yuan would help you sow yourself back up again. He held onto you tightly, securing you and promising to not let go.

You weren't sure how many times this would have to happen. It wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last. But he would stay until every burning hot tear dried off your face. And when you fought these battles alone, and he returned he'd nurse you like you were a wounded soldier.

Even if you are alone physically, I am here for you spiritually. Let's all enjoy life together my friends :)

Anyway I was planning on writing one Jing Yuan hug a day but this one kind of just escaped. Haven't been so good tonight, so kind of a vent writing I guess? Can be taken platonically or romantically

[insteading]

As someone who’s done bereavement care for almost 20 years, I’ve observed again and again and again that it is not staying with grief that cuts us off from other people, it’s suffocating grief and suppressing grief. It’s impossible to repress grief without also repressing all sorts of other things like joy and memory. Actually, expressing grief naturally connects us empathetically to other people. It is not an accident that right now when there is such a profound suppression of global grief, we’re also finding ourselves in a moment of such isolation.

Rabbi Elliot Kukla, in them magazine

I sought out this piece because Rabbi Kukla was quoted in today's sermon in reference to the ongoing genocide in Gaza ("It is lifesaving to mourn our humanity in inhumane times").

But this paragraph about grief hit me so hard I wanted to single it out to share. It is relevant to corporate grief of the sort we might experience when a state is doing harm in our name (police brutality, displacement, execution). It is also relevant to individual griefs.

In the bereavement calls I do for hospice, I have noticed, this is precisely what gets people stuck in grief: the feeling that there is no safe space and time to express grief. Companies tend to give very little accommodation for bereavement, if they give any at all. Culturally we're expected to get over losses in a matter of days. But grief rewires us, and some losses-- particularly losses like war, displacement, and police brutality where a state or institution does the same kind of harm repeatedly-- are complex and ongoing.

Grief impacts sleeping, eating, executive function. (I don't ask people in bereavement calls, "How are you doing?" I ask, "How are you sleeping?" "How's your appetite?" Maybe "Are there moments from your caregiving, or from your [loved one's] dying, that keep coming up for you?" Because of course you're not fine! You just lost someone essential to you. What I want to know is, is your body getting a chance to repair itself as your mind and heart process what you've experienced?)

People have talked to me after a loss about feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by daily life. It's not unlike recovering from a major injury and having a sizable portion of your bandwidth given over at all times to the tasks of bone, muscle, and nerve repair that are not under your conscious control. When tasks you're used to thinking of as having one part suddenly make it clear how complex they are? Cooking a meal takes more out of you. Doing a load of laundry takes more out of you. If you're already an introvert, the cost of social engagement goes up, at a time when social engagement might actually be very helpful.

Doing some of our grief work with other trusted people shares the load. It recovers some bandwidth. But many folks learn early in the grieving process that they have fewer trusted people than they thought. Or that it feels like the wrong time to deepen an acquaintanceship they'd hoped might become a friendship. Or that they aren't as comfortable asking loved ones for help as they thought they would be.

And the bereavement model I'm trained in assumes that a grieving person has experienced one recent loss. We know that a recent loss might poke us in the tender spots left by earlier losses. But that's still different from the experience of a tragedy that affects a whole community at once (as in an entire region's population losing multiple loved ones in a very short time and being forced to flee).

I don't really have a conclusion here, but I'm finding the activism that feels most healing and hope-filled to me has lament built into it: a chance to name the people who've died in our county's jail, while advocating for better communication with families of people inside. A chance to call out the names of people lost to covid while advocating for policies that will mitigate risk to vulnerable people.

Maybe it takes days to name all the people impacted by ongoing genocides in Congo, Palestine, Yemen, while urging our government to end its role in those genocides. Maybe our systems and structures, which aren't even good at honoring our grief for members of the nuclear family we're taught is our primary world, are disinclined to give us that time. Maybe we ought to take it anyway.

[ghcstao3]

fun fact!! today marks the one year anniversary of this account (and a year + 3months of writing ghoap!!) and that is honestly so crazy to me

i’m so very grateful for everyone here, everyone who has made my experience in this community better by tenfold. thank you all for reading my silly little posts, and thank you all for just being here!! :D

as a bit of commemoration for the fic that pushed me to make this account, here’s a few wingfic au hcs to come full circle :) ->

-

» since wings are such a big indicator of emotion, having lost his and constantly wearing a mask has made ghost incredibly good at hiding what he’s feeling. unfortunately for him, though, without the mask his thoughts become a little more obvious—his face is just as expressive as his wings had been

» ghost gets phantom limb sensations every once in a while. it makes waking up from nightmares that much worse—dreaming about his torture, about roba taking his wings, to waking up and reaching backward for reassurance that they’re still attached only for them to be gone, it’s made for some pretty terrible nights

» otherwise, though ghost rightfully laments the loss of his wings, with therapy and time and healing he’s learned to deal pretty well. and he can take a joke—for example, the puny little set of costume angel wings that soap bought for him one halloween

» some old habits ghost finds impossible to shake. like how much space he takes up—with large wings, he’d gotten used to making himself smaller as to not take up so much room. but now he just makes himself smaller within a larger space, which is how he manages to scare so many people by going unnoticed

» ghost likes sticking close to soap for comfort and familiarity, but also because he seems to be the only person unafraid to touch ghost with his wings. others think the contact might offend him, but it really doesn’t. because with how expressive soap is, and how in-tune they are with one another, sometimes it almost feels like ghost has wings again when one of soap’s wraps around his shoulder, shifting with emotions they both feel at a given moment

» when on leave, soap has gotten into the bad habit of not taking care of his wings as well just to have an excuse to have ghost preen them instead

» winged recruits underestimate ghost’s knowledge of how to use wings to one’s advantage out in the field. then he’ll kick every one of their asses even with their advantage and suddenly that doubt has vanished. soap himself still has trouble beating ghost in a spar sometimes, and as do price and gaz on occasion

» soap studied the one picture he’d been lent of ghost pre-roba for a long while, and now most—if not all—of his sketches of ghost have him with wings. at first he’s hesitant to show ghost, but ghost adores it

» ghost is still updating his mental catalogue of bird jokes. he will not stop

[namazunomegami]

Into the Void

Pairing: Geto Suguru x gn!reader

Synopsis: Geto is so succumbed to his ideals that you have no choice but to run. But the hunt for you is more than a simple chase. It's resurrection. It's repentance. Just like in the parable of the lost sheep.

CW: canon compliant, established relationship, predator/prey, injuries, blood, toxic dynamics, heavy religious symbolism, emotional distress, dissociation, tiny bit of hurt/comfort, yandere behavior, Geto is a manipulative ass how surprising

WC: 5.2k whoops

Credits: my dear @notveryrussian for proofreading but tbh I should start calling you my editor from now on lmao. I'm glad you enjoyed my sneak peeks so much 💕

Song rec: since I can't control myself, I picked 3 songs by Nine Inch Nails that gives the perfect vibes to the story. For the exposition, I recommend Heresy, mostly because the lyrics resonates with the reader's thoughts about Geto. For the escape/chase part, I picked Eraser for the creepy vibes and reader's slowly deterioriating sanity. For the closing part, I picked A warm place because it's a comforting yet a bit gloomy track

A/N: Saying that this idea possessed me is an understatement. Initially I only wanted to put effort into the whole chase scene but obviously I started to add lore into the whole thing. And since they grew on me and I simply love their dynamic, a part 2 is on the way yaaay.

Minors shall not interact unless they wanna get punched.

And a usual warning for dark content. I wanted to keep it mild but I couldn't. Maybe I'm a lil bit too skilled when it comes to writing about fear.

It’s all too painful to think that maybe running away with Geto wasn’t the best idea.

Of course you loved him, you loved the twins too and the makeshift family you created, it really healed some of the wounds you received in the past. But you wished it would’ve stayed that way. Living together, somewhere far away, isolated, in peace. Have a fresh start, build a nest for the four of you and fill it up with love.

But he had other plans.

There were a lot of improvements in the initial phase of your plans. Building community, uniting the herd. You enjoyed some reverence from the followers too. Eventually the initial number of breakthroughs began to stagnate, despite all the effort. It became routine, like you were being dragged through the same day for years and years without end. When you were faced with even more setbacks, you started to realize that you basically never left the temple and it soon began to feel like a cage. Golden and holy. It was draining to see people lose their sense of individuality and how he became their only source of validation. It was torment. Living life as an idol of worship tucked into a forgotten corner of a church. Praised like a twisted Gothic Madonna with a blue cloth over your head, but in reality you weep, you’re their Mater Dolorosa, with swords piercing your sorrowful heart.

The most devastating thing about realizing you’re not fit to run a cult, is the fact that you lack the most understated yet important aspect of it: believing in the agenda you want to spread. How could you guide all those helpless, simple-minded sheep while questioning whether your destination is real or not? Maybe that Canaan has nothing to do with milk and honey, instead it’s just a pile of rubble.

You soon got tired of it all. His drive, his goal, all too impossible to achieve. Maybe he knew he could never make it happen, but it consumed him regardless. You’ve lost the most cherished parts of him to his hatred, his deeply repressed rage against any injustices he had to deal with after the infamous Star Plasma incident.

You weren’t sure about your feelings towards Geto anymore. Were you afraid of him? Angry at him? Bitter? Disappointed? Worried? It all turned into mush, a grotesque, black liquid as the thin walls of the temple slowly made you feel like they were closing in on you. You had no idea how much time you had, until your unresolved feelings will taint the whole place.

You always circled back to the worst possible action to protect your soft, aching heart… When you thought that nothing will change for the better, you wanted to run away. You wanted to hide. The ambivalence of your feelings towards him weighed on your heart and conscience, like a thousand stones. You loved him, yet you loathed what has become of him. Despite that you trusted him with the map of your soul, made it through all the highs and lows of your relationship so far, all the deep abysses of pain and suffering.

Maybe you should run, just for the sake of it. To test how it will make you feel. Will it make you feel freed? At ease? Will it lift the weights on your chest? Will this sense of incoming doom vanish?

Maybe you should find Gojo. He wouldn’t condemn you, but he would be disappointed. If you set your judgement and resentment to aside, he’s the only one who can talk with the higher ups to scratch your name off the list of curse users who are on death row.

How much time did you need to forge your plan? Not even a single minute. It was only natural for you to memorize everybody’s routine, how to distinguish the sound of their steps, to pick a timeframe when nobody is lurking around the halls. The first (and probably last) time you were glad those who have hurt you gave you a skill, besides the ability to harness cursed energy of course. They made you stealthy, alert, observant.

And when Geto left you to cater to his followers, you decided to put your plan into action.

Your body is strung tight with the tension of waiting, agitation making you feel as if you were unraveling at the seams - but something deep inside of your mind pleaded for you to stay. Agony and anxiety were plaguing you until you’ve found enough courage to get up and sneak out. Now, you had the chance to show off everything you’ve learned: sliding the doors shut so slowly that they don’t make a noise, walking down the corridors with socked feet, carefully putting the middle parts of your feet on the floor, instead of your heels, easily avoiding those parts that creak.

Sometimes, when he was immersed in his thoughts, he was amused by how faint your steps sounded.

An involuntary instinct warns you. It’s trying to convince you that he can see you through the eyes of bodhisattvas residing in the thangka paintings decorating the walls. You almost give up your quest as you glance at the depiction of Vajrabhairava. In all its anger, with its six faces and twelve limbs. A dreadful beast that defies death itself.

You don’t want to do this to him, do you?

You look away from the painting, focusing on getting your shoes on and climbing out through the window. As you’re squatting on the windowpane, you can see all of Tokyo stretched out beneath you. You’re a little bit annoyed that all temples are built on a mountain. A long way to go, but you can never know when this place will turn into a funeral pyre.

It’s a little bit too easy. There’s no sign of surveillance curses nearby, you only need to slide down on the wet tiles, jump up high, land in the mud and let yourself be swallowed by the darkness of the forest. You specifically picked your least conspicuous clothes to blend into your surroundings perfectly. And the cold and murky night will let you go safely. The leaves will conceal your tracks.

So many things are working in your favor tonight.

You know there’s no need to rush. You can only draw attention to yourself if you are running around, creating noise and disturbing the wildlife. You don’t even use a flashlight, you have to get used to the darkness, the full Moon will guide you with all her dazzling light. And after that, Tokyo will do the same, with its crowded streets and all its places to hide.

There’s a weird kind of tranquility in your heart. How the cold prickles your skin, the moisture in the air, the faint noise of the creatures dwelling under the leaves, up in the trees, singing, chirping, crawling. The scent of wet soil, the gentle caress of the wind…

Now, you feel free.

As you walk deeper and deeper into the woods, you feel lighter, you feel like you could fly away, like you could dance all the way towards your destination. You’re thinking about actually doing that, as if you got possessed by a strange spirit…

But the uneven, slippery ground makes you fall right into the mud. You squirmed a little, trying to get hold of a tree trunk and then…

Silence, dead silence.

Your heart sinks deep in your chest.

You know what it means. When nature falls silent. There’s…

There’s a threat nearby.

A primal instinct tells you to run.

There’s no way, there’s no fucking way that he already noticed you were gone.

Twigs whip at your skin as you’re running mindlessly. Wherever you end up, it will be fine, as long as you can enter the outskirts of the city. The cold night air stings your throat, your heaving breath leaves your mouth in puffy clouds. You feel the urge to cough, deep from your bone-dry lungs.

The ground beneath you turns soft and steep. You lose your poise, stumbling and rolling all the way down until you fall from a high clod of rain-washed soil. Your body collides with a cold, wet, yet incredibly hard and flat surface, fraying the skin on your palm and face. Your back and shoulders will be bruised by tomorrow, painting your body with black and blue spots. The pain ripples through your entire being, paralyzing you for a couple of moments.

As you slowly gathered your battered self from the ground with a grunt, you realize you landed on a road. It’s a good sign, you’re not so far from civilization. But instead of following the road, cutting through the forest is the wiser decision.

Your relief is short-lived, just like a may fly.

A sinister feeling takes hold on you. It makes you freeze, squeezing your insides. Like you’re sitting in the jaw of an eldritch beast. You slowly turn back to the direction of your fall.

The lights are flickering.

You grab on the guardrail for dear life. You try to fill your lungs with shaky breaths, your heart desperately beating against your ribcage. Your trembling knees barely keep you upright, yet nothing can make you move. You have been found, you’re defeated, there’s no point in running away from him. The injuries, the already forming bruises will only deplete your strength.

How could you fight him? You’re aware that if he wanted to, he could break your bones and twist your body at the joints with an arm behind his back.

How could you outrun him? He’s capable of summonning a swarm of curses before you even take a step.

How could you make war with him?

Three of the lamp lights were already out, you stared into the darkness, the boundless abyss right before your eyes. You can’t even force yourself to blink.

And when the lights came back on, he was just standing there. Without breaking a sweat. Your pulse feels non-existent.

What infuriated you even more was that he wasn’t wearing his gojo-kesa. The motherfucker even gave you a head start by changing into something comfortable before he came to fetch you. Or simply he noticed your absence later than you expected.

Whatever, both is bad news for you.

He doesn’t utter a single word, he merely walks towards you. Slowly cornering you. Feasting on the terror on your face. Meanwhile you can’t unravel what could possibly be going on in his mind. The only thing you notice is that those violet sparks in his eyes are so sharp they could cut yours out of their sockets.

Should you give up? Should you beg for forgiveness?

But then, an idea blooms inside your mind.

You don’t hide your fear, you let your body tremble freely, fingers desperately clinging onto the metal, with your shoulders hunched to protect your neck and your wide, frightened eyes stare back at him. Letting him believe that you won’t fight back. That he can take you back to the temple and throw you back into your cage.

And when his foot hits the bisector, you jump. Right into the nothingness behind your back.

You fall on leaves and broken twigs again. You roll and roll with such speed you can’t comprehend the growing distance. Not even having an idea of how far you’re from him. Small rocks, branches, hardened roots of trees, bones all cut, scratch and pierce you. But you endure it, you’ll undergo any torture if it meant you’ll be freed. Your only hope is that the adrenaline will deal with the pain.

Suddenly, you violently crash into a tree, the ridged texture imprints deeply into your stomach. Acid bursts from your throat. Your diaphragm didn’t avoid the hit either, breathing is not unlike Sisyphean task as you try to get your shaking limbs to stand. Your mind is disturbed by the lack of air and your desperate attempts at getting yourself together. You’re wheezing like a dog. You must look pathetic, you think.

It takes almost all of your mental strength to calm down and slowly breathe through your nose, your lungs finally opening. But Geto won’t let you recover, you hear the fallen leaves getting crushed under his feet. You take a few sharp, ragged breaths, like it’s the last drag of a cigarette before the train comes and then, you move.

You hide behind a thick pine tree, palms covering your mouth and nose. The lack of oxygen is just another frustrating hindrance to your successful escape plan. Dizziness fills your head like a thick fog and sucks the strength out of your shins, needing to lean against the trunk to keep yourself standing. You try to conceal your cursed energy with all your might. A tracker who’s untraceable is a useful pawn in the hands of the higher ups, this skill made you a cherished student back in the day. Back when everything was so… no, it’s only the nostalgia making you wistful, it wasn’t any better.

The rustling gets quieter, you wait until the sound eventually dies. An almost muted sigh of relief leaves your lips in a thick cloud, dancing in the cold air.

From the corner of your eye, a floating form cuts through the pale moonlight.

Looking closely at its shape, you realize what kind of curse it is. The beetle looking one that attacks instantly once it senses movement. You can’t believe it, you’re going to -

The curse drags itself into your aura, scanning your form that is fused with the pine. Every muscle is tensed, you’re stiff as a board, you suppress every reflex in your eye and empty chest. You’re just like a statue, a corpse, showing no signs of life. Only an agonizing scream echoes inside your skull. A scream that puts mental breakdowns to shame.

It’s like an eternity until the curse finally disappears from your sight.

You definitely look exhausted, your body is limp and heavy like lead. But you must keep going at all costs, even if you have no idea how many curses are sent after you. You walk around the mountain instead of going down like he’d expect it.

Slowly yet surely, you calm yourself down. You know that you’re still in his grasp, but you still have a chance to outsmart him. You go deeper and deeper, you’re near the heart of the forest now. The moonlight barely crawls through the leaves, it’s easier to navigate according to what you hear rather than to what you see. The surroundings are growing eerie, you ache for light and warmth. And the longing sucks a bit of spirit out of you.

Before you can start questioning yourself, the sound of running water fills your ears.

A narrow, yet fast running stream plowed through the forest. Though you were unsure of staying close to the stream, going through it and getting to the other side sounds like a smart idea. As you take a reluctant step, you realize the water is ice cold. And when you dive into it further, enduring the strong current, it’s not as shallow as you believed. You’re submerged all the way up to your thighs. At its deepest point, the stream hugs your waist. The cold makes your movements slow and rigid, your teeth clang together in a frenzy. The bottom is filled with smooth, flat pebbles, they make it easy to - 

You slip on the rounded, polished stones and fall into the stream. The freezing temperature makes your skin shrink, it prickles you like a thousand needles. Scared, you crawl around the bottom, trying to get a hold of something and emerge back to the surface. A sharp, burning pain wakes in your palm, tears streaming down your cheeks. You try to swallow your scream, but it wants to burst from your lungs, you grunt and whimper until you can bite down on your sweatshirt, letting the material muffle your shout. Your gaze fixates on your hand and even in the darkness of the night, you see blood oozing from the deep cut, from your own torn flesh. The urge to retch is strong.

You palm is plunged back into the cool water, in hope of easing the pain.

He calls out your name right behind you.

You crawl out of the water, running from him, just as before. It doesn't matter how many times you trip, fall, stumble. It doesn’t matter how your fresh wounds end up in the mud, you don’t have it in you care about the pain or the looming threat of an infection. You hear him trying to reason with you. You must come back home, you’re injured, you’re bleeding. He must take care of you.

Why are you running? Where could you go? Who’s going to help you recover?

No, you mustn’t let your determination crumble. But oh… it sounds so easy. Giving in to your hopelessness.

An evergreen bush becomes your shelter to collect yourself and check on your wound, which is aching from all the dirt and is still bleeding. Water is dripping from your hair, your clothes are soaked, makes it easier for the cold night air to bite into you, to shake the whole length of your body. Your fingers are hardly moving and have no strength in them. The adrenaline is starting to wear off. You feel alone, small, and vulnerable. You’re freezing, scarred and aching. All the things you see in the dark twist into creepy, threatening forms. Everything that surrounds you is suddenly dangerous. As a lonely spider crawls within your field of vision, you flinch. The world around you is evil and everything is after your flesh.

And the only person who can save you is the one you’re running away from.

What are you going to do now? Fight, flight, or freeze? Which instinct is going to win this time? Because comprehensible thoughts won’t work on you. Every little layer of a fully-fledged human with a conscience has been stripped from you. You left them scattered everywhere in the woods. You’re nothing more than a primordial shell of a being.

Ceremonial horns wake in the distance, soon followed by howling. They let the dogs out to hunt you down. Poor, little hare. Your own stupidity has woken up the beast.

Who is like unto the beast?

You defeat the paralyzing dread and decide on flight. You dash out from the bushes, but - Oh… your eye. Your soft doe eye. There’s something in it. And your tears have an oddly metallic taste on your tongue.

And power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations.

You wish you could see yourself from the outside, but you’re probably nowhere near as majestic as you think you are. Right now you feel like you’re the fastest, stealthiest creature who’s ever lived, even if your muscles are almost torn, weak, and tensed. This is the last crumb of your strength, this is your all.

And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him.

You don’t dare to look back. You know he’s there. He’s so close, he’s orbiting around you like a moon does with its planet. As if all of this is a dance. A hunt is a dance with a coital rhythm. And mother nature is the audience to your deadly waltz.

And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men.

He takes your hand in his. Gentle and kind. To not scare you any further. You snap like an electric current under his touch, but you break free and zigzag between the trees.

He grabs your waist. Forcefully. It scares you this time. You escape from his embrace before he can swallow you whole. But he might have bit your throat during the process, you feel something trailing down your collarbones. You hear your bones crack.

It was all a mistake. You are a mistake. But mistakes can be forgiven, right? He has forgiven you so many times, you can’t even think of a number.

You slide down on a slope, leaves stick to your clothes, and you drop onto a thick trunk of a fallen oak. Tensive pain ripples in your side. You should stand up and run, but you can’t move. You won’t move. What’s wrong with you? What kind of prey gives the fight up before its last breath? But you think about your frozen limbs, the pain in your palm, your back, your shoulder blades, everywhere. You think about home… you want to go home or be left here to die. But the thought of dying here, alone, makes your heart palpitate rapidly, like there’s not enough air to fill your lungs. Your breathing becomes desperate, panicked even. Your chest hurts, your ribcage is ready to break apart by your racing heartbeat. You press your palms against your head, clawing into your hair. Every little morsel of you is bursting into a tremor. The connection between your mind, your body and the world cease to exist. And that lovely, unlimited stretch of space inside your consciousness is shaken, it’s in utter chaos. Breaking into tiny little pieces, like glass, like porcelain. Tears and plucks like paper and fabric. Shrieks and wails, rejecting the only thing that makes all creatures on this plane of existence agitated over their own mortality.

You’re doomed.

Unconsciously, your limbs curl into the very same position you took when you saw the world for the first time, protecting your belly and face, making you seem small. Geto knows you only do that when you fear what might happen to you, despite being unaware of the kind of terror your brain had subjected you to. That’s why he approaches you slowly, making no sudden movements as he picks you up gently, like one would lift a porcelain figure from the ground. When you open your eyes, he had already settled you into his lap as the manta ray curse lifts the two of you up to mount the skies.

You have no idea if he hunted you down or saved you from your own demise.

What a defiant, ungrateful creature you are, you think. You tried so viciously to run away from your burden, and now you feel safe with him again, you dare clinging to him, you dare seek his warmth. The contradicting thoughts and desires torture you on the way back. There’s only one faint voice inside your head that’s capable of calming you down, able to keep your sanity intact…

You’re the lost sheep, and he’s the shepherd who searched all over the world to find you. And he’ll bring you back to the flock, and he’ll love you more than the rest of them.

Your false god. Your fallacious savior. Will he forgive you if you repent on your knees? Until they get bloody and bruised?

Back at the temple, he refuses to let you take even a step on your own. You weren’t born to run, to soil your soles with the ground that filthy monkeys walk on. You’re meant to be worshipped, to claim the whole world as yours beneath dainty, soft feet.

The warm lamplight and the comfort of your shared room helps you unwind. To shift back into a much more civilized, humanlike state. And as you practically glue yourself to the heater, you notice more dirt, more cuts, more blood marring your flesh than you expected.

When you take off your grimy sweatshirt, shoes, and socks, Geto is towering over you. There’s nothing imposing about him, he looks rather troubled as he sighs.

“What do I do with you?”

You roll your eyes. Oh, the good old rhetorical question. He has no idea if he should treat your wounds first, bathe you or break your leg just like the Gospel says.

“Come, let me take a look at your hand.”

You see your reflection in the mirror, and you’re horrified. Your right eye is bloodshot, a deep cut is splitting through your lower lip. You’re drenched in mud, already dried on your face along with some patches of wine dark blood. Together they seal the scraped skin on your cheek, makes your hair stick together into thick strands, accessorized with pine leaves and other remains from your little hike. You’re blistered and torn, you can barely recognize yourself.

It's pleasant to rinse your hands with warm water at the sink, but the sight makes your stomach twist. That nasty wound is too deep, it has to be sewn shut. A shiver races down on your spine when you see the first aid kit. He soaks a fresh gauze pad with wound solution and guides it towards the gaping cut with a pair of tweezers. The sting is horrible, the burning sensation rivals acid being poured straight into your flesh, it makes you grunt and hiss. He gives you a moment to breathe and collect yourself then he continues, despite your whimpers and twitching, tensed fingers. But the pain pales in comparison to when he swipes a new, clean pad inside your wound, cleaning it of all the filth. A pathetic cry erupts from your throat.

“Stop.” you sob, pulling your hand away to hug it close to your chest. You’re too distressed to realize that the temporary discomfort is necessary. But maybe this whole act is nothing but another one of his silly little games.

He places a finger under your eye, close to your lashes and collects your tears. The sight of you crying is somehow not worth of savoring to him. Before any little drop of your sorrow and regret can roll down your cheek like diamonds, he smears them, as if they could make your misery vanish. Well, they can’t. It frustrates you that you can’t let your feelings manifest because he’s ready to devour them just like his curses.

He doesn’t care that your face is caked in dirt, blood and tears, he lifts your chin up to kiss you. Deeply. You’re not reprimanded for not kissing him back.

You were right, he’s definitely toying with you. He makes it hurt before he soothes the ache. He creates a connection in your mind. Like you’re the dog of Pavlov, slowly conditioned to associate him with anything that makes the human heart fill with delight.

The tiles attract your attention much more than watching how the curved needle dives into your skin, how the thread closes the wound proficiently. Your features soften for a moment. Shoko would be so proud of him... Not for the reason he got so good at it though. He learnt to treat his wounds for the sole purpose of not letting a non-sorcerer doctor ever touch him.

He’s crazy. Vile. Petty. And delusional. It drives you crazy too.

But when your stitched hand is wrapped up in bandages, you seriously think about thanking him for putting up with you. For not being angry at you.

“Maybe this will make you reconsider your actions next time.” he remarks in a flat tone, concealing what’s going on in his mind.

You keep your gratitude to yourself.

But it’s not an easy task when he continues spoiling you, with so much care that it rivals motherly love. How he rinses all the grime out of your hair, how he gives you a moment of peace in a tub filled with plain, warm water, no bubbles or scented oils to irritate your scarred, sensitive skin. He dries you, brushes your hair and fills the whole bedroom with the calming notes of lavender and cedarwood coming from the incense burners. But he’s just so fixated on your injuries… every scratch, every surface level cut is thoroughly sanitized. It’s still humiliating, even when you’re the one sitting comfortably on the bed and he’s kneeling on the floor.

You’re afraid the extra pampering will twist your reasoning and resolve. That’s all part of the mind games he plays. You know he’ll go out on his way to prove that the world outside is cruel, that this is the only place where you’re safe, loved. In his proximity, under his hand.

And somewhere, deep down, you admit that he’s close to convincing you.

It makes you mad, you want to tear him to shreds, you want to weep for him just like Mary did under the cross. There’s still care, there’s still love under all those layers of burning hatred. What remains is twisted though, but it is there.

After you’re patched up, he glances up at you, thumb brushing your lip right next to that nasty cut. His other hand is resting where your thigh and knee meet. It’s a sign, a warning.

“Was it worth it, little lamb?” his tone is soothing and playful. So close to being outright mockery.

You reflect in silence, averting your gaze from him. All those scars and discolored skin, your disturbed mind, and the ache in your bones - you realize that your stupid little plan was futile. Totally unnecessary, it’s no achievement you can be proud of. At least if you’re not as masochistic as to pride yourself on your injuries. But the fact that he can recognize the parallels coats your answer with bile.

“No.”

Because you know that you can be so much more… There’re unlimited possibilities to a repented non-believer. And now you know that being his doubting Thomas has no benefits.

Maybe you did lose your faith in him, like the lamb in that story, to eventually realize how much you need him and vice versa. But you’re not satisfied with being a lost sheep. You just haven’t decided on your role in his Gospel yet. This is your call, you don’t know exactly which part of him calls out to you, but you’re satisfied with either of them. Whether it’s a prophet, a messiah, a beast, or the devil itself. The fallen Morningstar who used to be the favorite.

This can be your true Genesis.

“Go on, break my leg if you want to. There’s meaning in that, at least.” you dare echo his last words to Gojo, clean and low.

And your bones remain whole.

You’re relieved. Though you’re sick of his maneuvers with your mind, you’re aware their purpose is not to hurt you or punish you. These aching limbs of yours go limp as he crawls into bed next to you. The arm you were scared of coils around your waist. Viciously tight, much like a snake. The snake that corrupted Eve in the garden. The one that made her sin, got her cast out of paradise, the one that turned her whole world upside down. And maybe Eve did fall in love with the serpent, the worst creature that God had ever created. But even though he caused the fall of mankind, the serpent freed you from the clutches of a jealous, ungrateful god who denied knowledge from his own creations. Now you have the passion to rebel, to prove your creator wrong, to avenge his mistreatment. Give in to the temptation of your snake, believe his honeyed words, accept the fruit for a second time. Because you still remember the taste, oh so sweet and luscious. And with all the power he wields, you can win back your lost Eden or re-build it on earth, the home you’re both yearning for. It’s a promise between the two of you, silent, because words are not needed, only closure.

Something warm blooms inside your chest. Yes, that’s it! You can finally feel it now…

The very first ounce of belief.

[jacarandaaaas]

why waiting on a miracle is one of my favorite (and one of the most underrated) encanto songs:

So this song in my humble opinion is one of the most under appreciated songs from the movie so I’m here to give it some appreciation! (Also the irony of the song being about being ignored and overlooked and that’s exactly what happened)

So waiting on a miracle is the classic “disney I want song” but to me this song is so much more than that. One thing that sticks out to me immediately is the fact unlike most I want songs, mirabel isn’t singing about wanting more than she already has shes singing about something she lacks but SHOULD have already. From the title most people gathered that she wants a magical gift like the rest of her family and whilst that is true I find it profound that it’s not the magic for the sake of magic she wants. It’s the appreciation from her family. All she wants is to contribute and fit in and she feels the only way she can do that is if she gets a gift. It’s also important to note unlike most I want songs mirabel doesn’t get *exactly* what she wants at the end which she mentions is a miracle. She does however end up getting her ultimate goal which is the acceptance and she doesn’t need a miracle to do that. Also with the title being “waiting on a miracle” a miracle is rare it’s thought to be something almost impossible or not even real. So for mirabels I want song to be about this shows that even she herself is aware it’s literally an impossible ask but she’s just dreaming of the possibilities if she got something as rare as a miracle.

I also found the instrumental quite genius as some have already pointed out all the madrigal songs are in 4/4 time… except this one. Waiting on a miracle is in 3/4 time as yet another subtle way to show she’s out of place. as lin manuel himself said “she’s literally out of beat with the rest of her family” so thanks for that lin the song was already sad enough but you just had to do that👍

also congratulations to mirabel for being one of the few disney characters to actually say when they aren’t ok “I’m not fineeee” I know that seems minuscule but it’s so refreshing to hear a character actually express that they are feeling negative emotions and it’s ok to express that. Especially since bottling up emotions is so common nowadays it’s a good message for the next generation <3

also waiting on a miracle kinda sorta predicts the whole movie? “I would move the mountains, make new trees and flowers grow” “I would heal whats broken show this family something new” she ended up achieving all of that in the movie’ 1. The mountains split when the house was collapsing. 2. She helped isabela discover what else she could do thus making new trees and flowers grow. 3. She basically healed the entire family which is what was broken and she showed them all they are enough without gifts! So that’s just a nice little bit of foreshadowing.

Ok now back to the sad stuff! in the lyric “I would heal whats broken” turns out she’s not referring to the entire family but herself. She views herself as broken because she didn’t get a gift and she wants to fix herself 💔 another lyric to note is “cant keep down the unspoken invisible pain” a lot of people talk about how inconsiderate the madrigals are towards mirabel but the thing is they don’t realize how it effects her. We know she can put on a hell of an act (see family madrigal song) and she herself refers to her pain as “invisible” she’s hiding it from everyone so they don’t realize how badly she’s hurting because she puts on the whole optimistic act. So another way the movie demonstrates the communication issues within the family.

And how can I forget mirabel literally telling herself at the beginning “dont be upset or mad at all” she’s quite literally telling herself to not feel those things that she’s “totally fine” I also love the fact the music is in the tune of “the family madrigal” up until she says “I’m not fine” I just thought that was a cool detail!

I’ve seen people complain about “open your eyes” x3 because it doesn’t get any louder or higher it just stays the same. Well there’s actually a reason for that! the song is called waiting on a miracle, mirabel is stuck in that position. She’s stuck waiting. It’s also important to note that the visual of her begging to her abuela to “open her eyes” and not being noticed implies that she’s been trying for a long time to be noticed but she keeps being stuck.

Also shoutout to Stephanie beatriz for the amazing acting because I could FEEL the emotion and the passion. and yes I know it’s because she’s in labour but I also believe even if she wasn’t in labour the song would still sound emotional as stephanie is a really great actress! I believe in an interview she stated she wanted to perform this song like it’s the first time mirabel is expressing these feelings to herself. Basically yeah that’s true she had been lying to herself for a decade and finally she decides to admit to herself she’s not fine she’s not happy and she wants a change. The voice crack on “I’m not fine” is actually heartbreaking and this is the moment her facade breaks entirely, and I love the vocal cry she does on “longing to shine like all of you shine” it’s just these little vocal details that add so much to the song and make it so powerful

I’ve also seen people complaining this song isn’t “belty” enough but it’s just not that type of song! mirabel is stuck in her position and if you notice in a lot of Disney movies once it reaches the climax of the i want song the protagonist comes to a decision of sorts. Take “how far I’ll go for example” she decides she’s going to sail beyond the reef and the music climaxes, she also has the triumphant high note at the end. Waiting on a miracle unlike how far I’ll go is NOT a triumphant song. The music does climax but only to emphasize mirabels false hope as she’s saying all the things she would do.

with the high note I firmly believe that there’s only one significant high note at the end for a particular reason. Like I said above usually high notes in Disney songs symbolize achievement or a sense of strength found. Mirabels high note has the opposite effect. She’s quite literally begging for a miracle in desperation only to realize she’s wishing for a fantasy. “Am I too late for a miracle” is the line the song ends on and the visual is important here too. We see the fireworks fade away and mirabel is left standing alone in the dark because it was all in her mind. (Looking at you “mirabels gift is time stopping” theorists)

So yeah I find this song to be quite unique and raw for an I want song and I think the “vent” aspect of it is what makes me appreciate it even more. It’s not sugar coated. To quote stephanie beatriz herself: “real, human, imperfect, yearning to belong and hoping for something beyond what she sees in herself: an expression of hope and fear, all wrapped in teen angst.”

So uh go stream waiting on a miracle because it’s a great song 👍(also yes this rant is a mess I’m terrible at articulating my feelings on songs but it’s also just for fun I’m like not a professional lmao)