#and he told the class that was unacceptable <3 love to be acceptable

[sourkitsch]

I love to have a hater session with my mom where we sit on the phone for an hour & just complain about various people & things in our life that are driving us up the wall. Very cathartic.

[ibijau]

3. “The best thing about having two partners is being able to try out three different dishes at a restaurant.” “You really think that’s the best part?” for Jin Zixuan's Jiang harem (jzx/jc/jyl)

Birthdays, up until recently, had always struck Jin Zixuan as being very boring. He knew he couldn’t exactly complain about it, because he got presents (expensive ones), and parties (very large) on a scale such as few people could ever see in their lives. His father would spend a little fortune on a feast to which every relative was invited (a crowd), many business partners (boring old men), and any rich enough kid from Jin Zixuan’s school (concerning, once he reached middle school and his father started eyeing the oldest girls, because thirteen was apparently old enough to have your breasts commented on). So many people, so much money, and all to celebrate the fact that Jin Zixuan was alive.

He should have been grateful. He’d tried to be, when he was younger.

Then, on the year Jin Zixuan had turned twelve, a series of unrelated issues had forced him to realise that his birthdays weren’t about him at all.

First, his request to invite at least one friend of his own choosing had been denied. Nie Huaisang might be in the same class as him, and his family wasn’t exactly poor, but they weren’t quite rich enough for Jin Guangshan’s standards. Nie Huaisang’s grandfather had been a mere butcher, his father only owned a few slaughterhouses and three meat processing plants, and Nie Huaisang himself didn’t even have the good taste of at least being a pretty girl. It would have been unacceptable to invite him, he just wouldn’t have fit in with the other guests, Jin Zixuan’s parents had said.

Then, there had been Jin Zixuan’s present, or lack thereof. He’d gotten money from his parents, sure, and more than enough to buy anything he wanted. But getting money felt different from getting a gift, and he’d made it quite clear in the past few weeks that he’d become very interested in a certain tv show. The full dvd-box for that show released a week before his birthday, which he’d told his mother many times, and his father once, when he saw him in passing. And still, he’d been given money, as well as a reminder that he was discouraged from actually spending any of it since he was too young and stupid to make good investments.

The last straw, though, had been the announcement of his engagement to a certain Jiang Yanli. Since the Jiangs lived overseas, Jin Zixuan had only actually met her one some years before, and he certainly hadn’t been consulted on the question of getting married to this complete stranger. Jiang Yanli wasn’t even at the birthday party, because she’d gotten ill and had been unable to accompany her family.

After that, Jin Zixuan had made two very important decisions.

The first was to never marry Jiang Yanli.

The second was to never, ever give a damn about birthdays again.

That first promise he’d held, but only barely. While Jin Zixuan had obtained the end of that engagement when he’d been a teenager, now that he’d moved overseas, he was actually dating Jiang Yanli.

He was also married to her brother, though, so it was unlikely he’d marry her any time soon.

As for enjoying birthdays…

They’d spent the day at an amusement park, all three of them, and it had been fun. Jin Zixuan had gone on too many roller-coasters with Jiang Cheng, and sat with Jiang Yanli on as many softer rides as they’d been able to. They’d all three laughed a lot about the face one candy floss seller had made after realising he’d seen Jin Zixuan separately buy things for two different dates in the span of half an hour. Jiang Yanli had wanted to go a third time and see how the poor man would react if they let it drop that Jin Zixuan was dating a pair of siblings, but Jiang Cheng had objected they had a table at a nice restaurant that night and couldn’t spoil their appetite with junk. The other two had teased him a bit about being embarrassed, but eventually accepted his argument.

The restaurant was nice, when they got there. It wasn’t the most expensive place in town, nor the most exclusive. The interior decorating wasn’t anything special, the dishes weren’t innovative. But it was a very nice restaurant where they often went, because it served a number of Jin Zixuan’s favourites. His parents would never have come to such a place for a celebration because it wasn’t expensive enough.

Which was just as well, because they weren’t invited to take part in any celebrations of Jin Zixuan anyway. They hadn’t taken well his marriage to the wrong Jiang sibling, and apparently his mother was very upset that he was making a dishonest woman out of poor Jiang Yanli, just because her mother was no longer there to protect her.

But that wasn’t the point.

The point was that Jin Zixuan was having a great birthday, and his only problem at the moment was deciding which dishes to pick for himself when he wanted everything. He’d eventually settled on something, only for his husband and his girlfriend to smile as they ordered the other dishes he’d most hesitated about.

Jin Zixuan loved them so much. It was a small thing to do, but he adored those two, and wished he could let them know in some profound and meaningful way just how amazing they were.

Instead, when he opened his mouth, it was to say this:

“The best thing about having two partners is being able to try out three different dishes at a restaurant.”

Jiang Yanli hid a soft giggle behind her hand, while Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. Once, Jin Zixuan might have misunderstood that as them mocking him or thinking him stupid, but it was only their way of expression fondness, just as his was to say the stupidest things.

“You really think that’s the best part?” Jiang Cheng teased.

“I also get double the cuddles when I have a rough day,” Jin Zixuan said after some consideration. “And neither of you ever finish your desserts, so that’s another advantage.”

“Dumbass,” Jiang Cheng replied, taking his hand.

Jiang Yanli laughed again, a little less careful to hide it this time, and took Jin Zixuan’s other hand, squeezing it tenderly.

Birthdays were really much better than they used to be, now that he was allowed to choose who he’d spend them with.

[isletakebarzal]

I Hope I Never Lose You | 1 | Mat Barzal

a/n: my first mat barzal fic. my first fic since......... sh*wn m*nd*s. Here is the first installment of a new elementary school au. pLz leave feedback it has been so long since i've written and I am so ✨insecure✨

summary: you teach kindergarten and Mat Barzal is a P.E. Coach at Cornelia Street Elementary School. i don't know just give me validation plz

warnings: literally didn't even read it over. just copy-paste-post. mutual pining idiots to lovers?? some jealousy and angst???

WC: 5.6K

***

I. “then on a Wednesday in a cafe[teria], I watched it begin again”

You take a deep breath as you inspect your appearance in the teacher’s lounge bathroom at Cornelia Street Elementary. Your kindergarteners will be arriving at your classroom in nearly twenty minutes, so you wanted to get one final look in before starting the school day.

“Who’s the guy?” your friend and co-teacher, Molly, startles you as her figure appears behind you in the mirror.

“What do you mean?” You shake your head, sticking your hands under the sink for the automatic faucet to turn on.

Molly laughs, walking up next to you and leaning up against the counter, “You’re dressing up for someone! You never wore high heels until recently, and you check yourself in the mirror like 6 times a day. Who is it?”

You roll your eyes, pulling paper towels out of the dispenser and wiping your hands dry. “Sniff too much elmer’s glue again, Molly?”

You leave the restroom and lounge with Molly trailing closely behind. Turning into your classroom, you stop in the doorway when you find someone standing in the middle of your classroom, causing Molly to bump into your back.

“There you are!” Mat exclaims when he notices you and Molly enter the room. “I’ve been waiting here for, like, 10 minutes. Why do girls take so long in the bathroom together?”

You let out a nervous laugh. Molly stands at your side, glancing from Mat to you and back to Mat. You can tell she’s connecting the dots as the left corner of her smirk.

“Where else would we gossip about you?” Molly teases, snapping your attention away from Mat. You elbow her in her side, whispering her name scoldingly.

Mat rolls his eyes playfully, “Aww, Molls. Writing our initials in a heart on the bathroom wall again?”

You freeze at his comeback. Is he flirting with Molly? You try your best to remain calm. He’s Mat Barzal, he flirts with everyone.

“What are you doing in here anyway, Barzy?” Molly asks as she further enters the room, setting her briefcase on the desk and leaning up against it. She eyes you, as you haven’t taken one step further into the room. “Don’t you have a PE class to teach?”

Mat stiffens at the question, looking from Molly to you. He fumbles to start his response, “I, uh--” he looks to his immediate left and right, searching for an answer. “I needed a pen.”

Molly barks out a laugh, “a pen?” She turns to you, raising her eyebrows with a pointed look. “Did you hear that, Y/n? He needs a pen.”

You don’t respond to Molly, your body moving on autopilot towards your desk. “Here, I have a pen you can borrow!” You grab the first pen you get your hands on from the container on your desk and hold it out to him, trying your best to keep your hand steady.

Mat’s cheeks grow a rosy tint that matches your own. With a smile he takes the pen, finally looking it over. “Are you sure you won’t miss this one?” The smirk returns to his lips.

You furrow your brows, looking down to the pen he’s holding. It’s a purple glitter pen--your favorite pen. You shrug your shoulders, playing it off as no big deal, “Yeah, no worries. Keep it as long as you need.”

You spare a glance at Molly across the room, and you can tell she’s trying her very hardest not to laugh. The daggers you shoot at her with your eyes fail to get her to control her face.

“Thanks, Y/n, I appreciate it,” he says sweetly, giving you his million-dollar smile that makes all the lunch ladies swoon. “I’ll see you at Lunch Duty?”

You nod enthusiastically, “Totally. See you then.”

Mat stalls for a few seconds, shifting back and forth on his two feet before lifting the pen in another silent thank you. You try not to blush as you give a small wave goodbye, and he leaves the room.

Molly finally blows, erupting into laughter. You turn your attention towards her, a confused expression on your face. “What?”

“I guess that answers my question!” Molly exclaims, wiping an escape tear of laughter from her cheek.

You shake your head, placing your hands on your hips, “What question?”

“Which guy you’re dressing up for,” Molly explains as if it’s clear as day. “Seems to me like you’ve both got it bad.”

You blush again--probably for the 50th time in the last 10 minutes. “That’s it,” you huff. “No more glue for you.”

**

When 12:30 rolls around, Molly takes your class of kindergarteners to the Music Room while you head to the cafeteria for Lunch Duty. There’s nothing glamorous about watching elementary schoolers struggle to open their zebra cakes and milk cartons, but, for some reason, it’s your favorite time of day.

“Miss Y/n!” A voice cheerily calls out to you as you enter the cafeteria, and your gaze instantly lands on the source. That voice could pull you out of a coma. You could pick out that voice in a filled stadium of a Nickelback concert.

Mat waves at you from across the room, pulling out the chair next to him as if to tell you to come sit. You smile and wave back, making your way to him with your lunchbag in hand. It’s your Wednesday ritual to have lunch together, since it’s the only day of the week you are scheduled for Lunch Duty at the same time.

You sit gracefully in the chair next to Mat and set your bag on the table. Mat instantly reaches for it, spinning it one way then another as he searches for the zipper. You grab the lunch bag from his hands and pull it back to your side of the table.

“Excuse you!” You exclaim, playfully.

“Come on, Y/n, I’ve been waiting a week for this!” Mat whines, no better than one of your kindergarteners.

You peek into your bag making sure you have his treat, “Okay, okay.” You reach into the bag and close your fist around the circular fruit that you made sure to pack in your lunch--just like you do every Wednesday.

Mat shoves his hand in the big pocket of his backpack, then looks at you with an eager smile. “Ready? 1...2…” You both bring your hands out of your bags on 3, holding out the respective items for each other.

In the palm of your hand is a Cutie brand clementine, sticker already peeled off. You never really understood why Mat loves these so much, or why he never just buys them for himself, but you’ve been swapping lunch treats since the beginning of the school year.

You were sitting at the lunch table that was angled perpendicular to the student tables in the cafeteria. It was your first Lunch Duty of the year, so you made sure to get in the cafeteria before any of the students came in.

Now that you and Molly were co-teaching this year, you wouldn’t be on Lunch Duty together like you were last year. You didn’t think you should be nervous, being that it’s just Lunch Duty and you already had a year of teaching under your belt, but still, not having the comfort of your best friend around you made you a little more on edge.

No one told you who was going to be on duty with you, so when the new gym P.E. coach, Mat Barzal, strolled into the cafeteria, you stiffened in your seat. You noticed him a bit last year, but it was your first year with your own class of students, and you wanted to focus on being a good teacher rather than good-looking coaches. Mat was new to the school, too, but he seemed to be quick to make friends, talking to anyone around him. Like, anyone.

Like, even a first grader with a hockey AND a superhero obsession that wanted to know which NHL team each superhero would play for. You had eavesdropped on his answers while you were standing near them in the hallway.

(You remember this, because you had to hold yourself back from interjecting when he told the student that Superman would play for the Islanders. He would obviously be a Ranger.)

When he walked into the cafeteria that day, he strolled over to you and sat right down in the chair next to yours, jumping into conversation. You were munching on carrots when you realized that he had yet to pull out any food for lunch.

“Are you hungry?” you blurted out, interrupting whatever thought he was rambling on about while you were...you wouldn’t say staring...more like analyzing.

He deadpanned, “Yeah, but I’ve got some snacks back in the gym. I’m just going to eat them later.”

You shook your head, finding his answer unacceptable. “Here,” you said, looking into your lunch bag for anything to give him. “Do you like clementines?”

A smile spread on Mat’s face, “My mom used to buy them for me and my sister when we were kids. I haven’t had one in forever.”

You handed the fruit to him before he could protest. He accepted it graciously. “I’m Mat, by the way.”

“Y/n,” you told him.

The next week, you made sure to pack a clementine in your bag just in case he didn’t have a lunch again. You tried to hide the disappointment when you walked towards the table and saw that he didn’t actually forget this time.

That is, until you noticed the silver wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up on the table in front of the empty chair.

“I wasn’t sure what flavor you liked, or if you even like these, but, like, everyone likes these,” Mat explained and you couldn’t hide your blush.

After sitting down next to him, you reached into your bag and pulled out the clementine, sliding it across the tabletop to him. Week after week, this unspoken trade agreement continued, neither one of you having forgotten yet.

You take the Fruit Roll-Up from his hand as he swipes the clementine and starts peeling.

“Oh, it’s the tongue-tattoo one!” You cheer, unrolling the fruit leather from the plastic film. Mat nods enthusiastically, but doesn’t speak, his mouth already full with slices of clementine.

You tear the fruit roll up in half and hold the half with the skull “tattoo” to him.

“No, Y/n, this is our trade. It’s yours,” he pushes your hand back, but you roll your eyes.

“I don’t need the whole roll, and the skull would suit you better,” you persuade him. “Just take it.”

With a smile, Mat takes the half and holds it to the light to find the skull printed in food dye. You hold up your half to tilt the crown “tattoo” to the right angle.

“Okay, ready?” You ask, and Mat nods. “One...two…”

On three, you press the sugary roll to your tongues and hold for a few seconds, making sure it’s long enough for the dye to transfer. You and Mat have done this enough times to know that the sweet spot is around 7 seconds.

Now facing each other in your chairs, you each stick out your tongues to show the other your tattoos. Mat lets out a loud laugh, and can’t help but mirror his reaction. You love this with Mat--getting to goof around with someone and finally laughing again.

Your last relationship ended nearly a year ago, and it left you devastated. You had dated Ryan all through college, and you thought he was going to propose after graduation. Little did you know, he had been applying to medical schools in London, rather than where you were in Seattle. He was never planning forever with you like you were with him.

Needless to say, it’s made you hesitant to start dating again. You don’t trust your instincts with reading people and you definitely don’t trust men.

“Here,” Mat hands his half back to you.

You squish your nose up at him, “Ew, your spit is all over it!”

Mat rolls his eyes playfully and holds the rollup even closer to your face, making you laugh. You try to bat his hand away, but he catches your hand with his free one instead.

“Oh please, it’s just a little slobber. Same as kissing!” He jokes, but the way he’s holding your hand and so easily talking about kissing makes you tense up. You feel like you’re 16 again, developing your very first school-girl crush with the way he’s stirring up dormant butterflies.

You look away, hoping to conceal your now very rosy cheeks, and Mat, thankfully, pretends not to notice. “Fine, mine now,” he shoves the whole rollup in his mouth, and your laughter breaks up the tension in your chest. You fall into easy conversation filled with laughter and banter, and it’s like the room full of rambunctious elementary schoolers doesn’t even exist.

**

II. “don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw [kickballs] at things that shine”

“Life just makes love look hard, Y/n,” Molly tells you. You came into school this morning looking down bad, and Molly was quick to figure out the root of the issue.

You saw Ryan last night. With a girl. Wearing a ring on her finger. You knew exactly what ring it was too, as his grandmother had showed it to you at Christmas one year and explained that it would be Ryan’s to give to the one he wanted to spend forever with. At the time you could’ve bet your life that his “one” was you.

You mope in your desk chair, “I know. It took him less than a year to meet someone new, fall in love, and commit. Love isn’t hard, but maybe I’m just hard to love.”

Molly gives you a sad look and opens her mouth to respond, but she is cut off by your classroom door opening. Your already glum face contorts into a sour expression when you see who has entered your classroom.

Alexa.

You spare a glance at Molly, who is already glaring at the 4th grade teacher. You try to hold back the chuckle that is bubbling in your throat. Alexa started working at Cornelia Street Elementary at the same time as you and Molly, but unlike you and your co-teacher, you were not fast friends.

Maybe it was her snarky attitude, or the way she told you and Molly to your faces that “kindergarten teachers are glorified babysitters” on the first day you met her. Either way, you and Molly were not fans.

“Hello, ladies!” Alexa screeches in a high-pitched voice.

Molly deadpans, “Whatever you want, the answer is no.”

Alexa’s nose scrunches in distaste, “I don’t want anything, Molls. I’m here to see if you both have signed up for the teacher-student kickball game next Friday.”

Molly winces at the use of her nickname, “Yes, Alexa. If you had just looked at the sign-up Google Sheet, you would’ve seen that both mine and Y/n’s names were already on the list.”

Alexa shrugs, brushing off Molly’s aggressive tone, “Well, good. I hear that Coach Barzal and Coach Beau will be team captains this year.”

Your body has a visceral reaction to hearing ‘Coach Barzal’, like your ears are rejecting the sound of her witch voice speaking his name. Molly flips her gaze in your direction, giving a smirk.

“Yes, Mat told Y/n the other day that he is going to be a team captain,” Molly lies between her teeth. He never told you that, but if there’s one thing Molly knows, it’s how to get under Alexa’s skin.

And she does. Alexa’s face pinches before clearing her throat, “It’s a shame none of us can have him, isn’t it?”

You and Molly mirror each other with confused expressions. “What do you mean?” you question.

“I mean, section 34.12B in the School Handbook,” Alexa replies as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Molly rolls her eyes, “And what is section 34.12B in the School Handbook?”

Alexa’s lips curl smugly, “Section 34 is the Teacher Code of Conduct, silly. And rule 12B clearly states that teachers working in the same school are not allowed to intermingle romantically or, well, otherwise. Any infraction will result in one of the teachers being immediately transferred to another school in the county.”

Your stomach drops, and Molly looks at you with a sorrowful expression.

“Didn’t either of you read the handbook when you started?” Alexa asks condescendingly. In truth, neither you nor Molly read that brick of a handbook. If you remember correctly, you think you ended up using it as a doorstop in your old classroom last year. No clue what happened to it after that.

“Of course we read it,” Molly, again, lies. “We’re just not psycho enough to have it memorized.”

Alexa glares at Molly. “I didn’t memorize it. I just recently refreshed my memory after talking to Coach Barzal the other day. He had asked me to get drinks with him, so I wanted to see what the policy was on dating colleagues.”

You whip your head to Molly, a confused expression on your face. Molly takes your reaction in stride and stands from her seat at her desk.

“This has been so fun, Alexa,” Molly walks towards the 4th grade teacher at the classroom door, who takes the hint and starts backing up. “But we have to prepare for a day of babysitting, so if you don’t mind…”

Molly backs Alexa out of the doorway and shuts the door in her face. She leans back on the door to find you sitting with a sad puppy look on your face.

“I’m sure she was bullshitting like she always does,” Molly tells you.

You sigh and slump into your chair. An airy chuckle escapes Molly’s lips and you flick your eyes to her face, wondering what could possibly be funny.

“What? Why are you laughing?”

Molly shakes her head, muffling more laughs.

“Come on, spit it out.”

“It’s nothing,” Molly starts, a smile growing on her lips. “I just fucking knew it.”

You furrow your brows, “Knew what?”

“Knew you had a thing for Coach Barzal.”

**

You really don’t want to play kickball, if you’re being honest. You always hated gym class growing up, because you weren’t necessarily skilled in hand-eye coordination. The only reason you signed up for this student-teacher kickball game for the upper grades was for Molly. And...someone else.

Mat and his co-coach, Tito, are standing in the middle of the gym giving instructions to the 4th and 5th grade classes. The rules are simple: kick, run, and no cheap shots. You’re not sure if 4th graders were capable of taking cheap shots, but you realize that this rule might not be directed at them. If you’ve learned anything over the last year or so of teaching, it’s that adults are just really big Big Kids.

Once they finish explaining to the students and teachers how the game will work, Mat announces that it’s time to pick teams. The students are counted off by twos for their teams to make sure no kid feels like they’re being picked last--especially by the teacher--but the teachers are to be specifically chosen by the captains.

Tito, the captain of the A team, scans the crowd of teachers for his first pick. “Mr. Kessler,” Tito picks the 3rd grade teacher first. It’s a great first pick, since David Kessler apparently played sports in college.

Mat looks at the group like he’s searching for someone, and his eyes land on you. The right corner of his lips pulls up into a smirk. Your palms start sweating--either due to the nerves of feeling like you’re back in grade school again, or from the way he is looking at you.

“Mr. Peterson,” Mat’s gaze leaves yours as he picks the 5th grade parapro. Again, you don’t think it’s a bad idea to start setting up the team with the best players before moving on to, well, you.

The two coaches go back and forth until all of the seemingly more athletic teachers are assigned teams. When it’s time for Tito to pick again, his eyes land directly on you. You look to your left, then to your right, then behind you, just to make sure he wasn’t looking through you to someone else. But no one else looked like they were paying enough attention to be the one he was focusing on.

A smirk draws up Tito’s lips as he looks at Mat. Mat rolls his eyes and pushes his shoulder, making Tito teeter a bit. “Just pick, man,” Mat urges, and Tito looks back at you.

“Molly,” Tito chooses, and you release a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

Molly lets out an airy laugh and nudges you with her elbow, “Damn, they’re splitting us up.”

You roll your eyes, but on the inside your stomach flutters at the thought of being chosen by Mat. He glances your way every so often that you think it might be coming, but you try to keep your cool.

“Umm,” Mat starts, like he’s about to think out loud. “I’ll pick…” Mat’s eyes scan the group and he stops on you for a brief moment, but passes you over. “Alexa.”

Your heart drops into your ass.

You look to Molly, hoping that her usual cool and collected demeanor will level you, but she’s speaking lowly to Tito with furrowed brows.

“Y/n, you’re on my team,” Tito calls out next. You make your way towards the rest of the A team, and, despite the voice in your head screaming ‘don’t look at him, don’t look at him’...you look at Mat, gauging his reaction.

He looks completely unbothered. A smile is even gracing his face. It’s not like you thought he was necessarily interested in you, but, fuck, you at least thought he liked you better than Alexa. And now you’re wondering if there was any truth to her comments in your classroom last week.

Once the teams are sorted out, the captains flip a coin to decide who will kick first. Tito calls heads while the coin is in the air, and sure enough the coin lands on heads. Tito calls a huddle while Mat gets his team organized into positions.

“Alright team, listen up,” he starts, clapping his hands once. “We need a strong offensive start.”

The students jump around excitedly as Tito lines them up along the gym wall behind the designated “home plate”. He orders the team with one teacher kicking after every few students.

Molly is in the front of the line with Thomas, an eager 4th grader ready to play. He walks to the plate, backs up a few steps, and waits for Mat to pitch the ball. Mat winds up before releasing the ball in a (relatively) straight line to Thomas.

Thomas runs up to the ball, going for the kick, and….he misses. Tito jogs up to him, squatting to his level. “It’s okay, bud, let’s try again. You can do it, just keep your eye on the ball.”

The little boy nods and steps back up to the plate. Tito nods at Mat who winds up and rolls the ball once more. A little more cautiously this time, Thomas runs for the ball. He swings back his left foot and propels it forward, making contact with the ball and sending it soaring towards Mat.

Mat lets the ball drop in front of him, fumbling around to pick it up while Thomas runs to first base. Once he’s about halfway there, Mat tosses the ball to one of the fifth graders who is guarding the base. Thomas, unsurprisingly, is safe.

A few more students and teachers take turns kicking the ball, and before you know it, there are two students and Molly on base with two outs on the board. You were hoping that you would be able to linger in the back of the line long enough to avoid taking a turn, but Tito calls you up to the plate.

“Okay, Miss Y/n, bring ‘em home!” Tito encourages, and you roll your eyes at him.

“Doubtful,” you respond. Walking up to the plate, you make eye contact with Mat, waiting for him to roll you the ball. He takes a deep breath and raises his eyebrows to you.

“Ready?” He calls out.

You shake your head, “No, but do I have a choice?”

Mat laughs. ‘You got this!” he tells you, and winds up to roll the ball. Maybe he does it on purpose, but when he rolls the ball, it veers off to the left.

“Come on, Barzy, give her something she can work with!” Tito chirps, as Mat jogs to grab the ball from one of the students that picked it up.

Instead of returning to his makeshift pitcher’s mound, Mat strides towards you, catching you off guard.

“What are you doing, Mat?”

“You looked nervous,” he says. “Thought you could use a better pep talk than Beauvis over there.”

“It’s...elementary school kickball,” you say with a laugh.

Mat rolls his eyes, “This is a very serious game, Y/n. There’s a lot at stake.”

The smirk that forms on his lips sends a ripple down your spine. “Like what? A pizza party?” you joke.

Mat pushes your shoulder playfully, and a shout erupts from the sidelines. You both look to where Tito is standing with his arms raised in question. “Quit messing with my teammate, Barzal!” Tito yells.

Mat waves him off. “Keep your eye on the ball, and I’ll roll it slowly. Kick with the inside of your foot to get more distance, and, for the love of God, take off those dumb sandals.”

You look down at the strappy sandals on your feet. “What? They’re cute and comfortable!“

Mat rests a hand on your shoulder, squeezing it comfortingly. “Cute until you break an ankle. Just trust me and do it, Miss Y/n!”

You roll your eyes and kick your shoes off to the side while Mat backs up to the middle of the gym. You step up to the plate again and Mat winds up his pitch. The ball rolls in a straight line towards you, and you take his advice by kicking the ball from the inside of your foot. It’s a hard kick, too, so the ball soars over towards second base.

“RUN!” Tito yells from the sidelines, urging everyone on base to get moving. The student that was on 3rd base waddles home, scoring a run for your team, while the fielders scramble to get the ball.

There are some mishaps in passing the ball between the 4th and 5th graders in the field, so Molly is able to run home as well as you round first base. You look to Mat to find that he’s yelling at you to run to second, despite being on your opposing team, which coincides with the screams from Tito behind you. Now you're really thankful you took off those sandals.

You take off from first base towards second base, when out of the corner of your eye, you see Alexa grab the ball straight out of a 4th grader’s hands. She winds her arm back and throws the ball right at you, probably as hard as she can by the sting of contact on your left arm.

“Out!” Alexa yells as you slow your pace to a stop. “That’s three!”

The teams start shuffling as they switch from field to kicking and vice versa. You stay in your place, figuring you’ll just linger in the “outfield” anyway, while Molly comes up to you.

“That bitch is a dirty player,” Molly spits, turning to glance at Alexa. “Did you see how she just ripped the ball from a kid? Geez.”

“It’s just the game,” you brush it off, not wanting to seem fazed by how she so obviously was out to get you. You don’t realize Mat walks up to you and Molly until you feel a hand rest on the small of your back.

“Are you okay?” Mat asks, moving his hand to gently brush the red spot on your arm where the ball hit you.

You try not to blush at the contact as you nod and wave him off, “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.”

“Tough play, but it was a great kick,” Mat tries to be encouraging. “Who knew Lex could hustle like that.”

You wince at the nickname and look at Molly, who is sporting a scowl.

“Lex could’ve knocked a kid unconscious if she had missed,” Molly retorts, and Mat clears his throat awkwardly and removes his arm.

He shrugs his shoulders, “Yeah, I guess she could’ve.” There’s a brief pause and you hear Tito in the background positioning his students on the field. “So, Y/n--”

“Mat--I mean, Coach Barzal!” Alexa’s voice rings through the gym, interrupting Mat. “Come over here!”

“I think you should get back to your team, Mat,” you tell him. “Wouldn’t want to keep your star player waiting.”

He frowns at you, but nods, “Yeah, guess so.”

You didn’t mean to sound jealous--you really have no right to be. You weren’t even sure why you were so affected by the idea of Mat and Alexa. It’s not like there is a Mat and Y/n.

Well, maybe you do know why. You watch as Mat jogs over to his team, giving each kid a high five and circling them up for a pep talk. You can hear their laughs and cheers at his words of encouragement, and you smile involuntarily. He is so good with the kids and he really cares about them--you can tell that he puts his heart into what he does.

“Ready, team?” Tito’s voice breaks you out of your thoughts. The rest of your team cheers in response and Tito starts the next inning.

The rest of the game flies by with excitement. You all only make it a few more innings before it’s time for the kickball game to end and everyone to finish out their Friday school day. Tito was overjoyed, to put it lightly, when his A Team won the game, and you could tell he was already taunting Mat with it. Mat, though extremely competitive throughout the game, was a good sport about it in front of his B Team.

Since your and Molly’s class would still be in their Music Class for another 10 minutes or so, you two stayed back in the gym while the 4th and 5th grade teachers got their students together.

“Well, ladies, it was a good game,” Tito says to you and Molly, giving you both high fives. “Sorry you got blitzed, Y/n.”

You let out a laugh, “Thanks Beau, but it wasn’t that bad, was it?”

Tito rubs his hand on the back of his neck, “I don’t know. Alexa went for blood with that hit.”

Molly scoffs, “Alexa is going to taste blood next time she pulls something like that.” You bump Molly with your hip, giving her a pointed look, but Tito just laughs at her comment and falls into conversation with Molly.

You eye the way Molly reacts to making Tito laugh, a wave of something resembling pride or satisfaction washing over her. You haven’t seen her look...giddy like this until watching her talk to Tito. Interesting, you think.

After a few minutes, you decide it’s time to pick up your kids from the Music Room, and you tell Molly she can just catch up with you in the classroom in a bit. You make sure to give her a suggestive smirk, glancing back and forth from her to Tito without him picking up on it. She rolls her eyes and waves her hand at you, gesturing to you to exit.

As you’re walking out of the gym, though, Mat calls out to you, jogging towards you before you can leave.

“Y/n! Wait up a second!”

You turn towards him as he slows down in front of you. “What’s up?”

“Um, where are you headed off to?” He asks, almost like he is stalling.

You furrow your brows, but respond, “Gotta pick up our class from Music.”

Mat nods, “Oh, yeah, for sure. Shouldn’t Molls be with you?”

You glance back at your friend, where she is laughing and twirling a strand of her hair while talking to the young coach. “Nah, I can handle it this time. She’s...preoccupied.”

Mat follows your gaze and lets out a snort, “Tito is so hopeless. He’s been gone for her for so long now.”

“Oh yeah?” You question, thinking maybe this could be a chance to set Molly up with a nice guy. If there’s one thing you’ve learned about Molly, it’s that she usually has terrible taste in men. “How do you know? Has he said something?”

Mat shakes his head, “No, but he doesn’t have to. I mean, guys are so much easier to read than girls. Like, if a guy is interested in a girl? You’ll definitely be able to tell.”

You have to keep your shoulders from slumping. You think back to all the times you’ve interacted with Mat, and you can’t recall one instance of Mat acting the way Tito is with Molly right now.

“Yeah,” you sigh, looking back at the pair. “I guess you’re right.”

**

OKKKKKKK SOOOOOOOOOOO TELL ME WHAT U THINK HELLO PLZ FEED ME BACK FEEDBACK LOOP FEED ME WHAT DO WE THINK?????????????????????????????????????

[laryna6]

One of those ‘A Christmas Carol’-based fics with Saotome Eiji.

Kyousuke’s dad appearing warning of the demons of the Sanzu river and the measuring of karma that awaits the dead, and Saotome going ‘I must have fallen asleep/that’s a foreign Buddhist thing’ because of the... heavy pushing of a... propagandized version of Shinto as part of Japanese nationalism building up to WWII.

Instead of Christmas it’s Obon (a festival of Buddist/Confucian origin) ofc.

To fit with ‘the idea that people have to earn the right to live is effed up’ from the original, perhaps as a child he was sent to an orphanage bc his family couldn’t feed him? The additional damage of not knowing who your ancestors were in a culture practicing ancestor worship.

Other students of psychic research inviting him to hang out at the university but he wanted to get an officer position in the army, so needing to avoid undesirable elements.

Saotome’s present day obon, Kyousuke who was raised in China being taught about Shinto because as a half-Chinese person on top of an esper in an era of nationalism... they worry about the kid and he might be safer if he do all the ‘I am a loyal subject of the emperor’ signaling. Two of the espers in the unit canonically come from traditional priesthood families and have OPINIONS about what these motherfucking nationalists are doing to corrupt and twist everyone’s spirituality and traditions and their sense of connection to their families and their people and the land. Making shinto priests government officials?!

Saotome going they’re not proper LoyalTM to the army and Japan

Spirit #2 going ‘was the army ever loyal to them?’

Fujiko and her father discussing how their family is nobility and the need for the nobiiity to give up power and instead bring about democracy if Japan was going to escape being conquered and exploited by imperialists like the countries around them.

Fujiko going ‘but the warrior classes all got positions in the military, and now we’re a military dictatorship and Japan has just become one more imperialist power, it’s disgusting and her father going absolutely, and discussion of duty to their ancestors and their country foreshadowing Fujiko making a choice that according to traditional morality and the noble code of conduct was ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLY HORRIBLY WRONG to the point of disgracing her entire family line because what kind of people could have produced a traitor like that... but because of it in the modern day Japan is the second least awful country in how it treats espers.

Then spirit #3, and Saotome going ‘I’ve seen the precogs, espers going to war with normals, Kyousuke betraying the country/me to serve a queen’

And then it’s the younger queen and two other girls going ‘Minamoto we want to go to a festival with you’ while a harried man basically shoos them out the door with a broom and goes ‘go! Your families want to see you! Here are your boxed lunches and snacks for the trip’ and the girls are espers who use their powers to get to their normal families. the queen and her big sister get in a wrestling match over the cookies and only belatedly realize their mom’s eaten them all while commentating while they dress for the festival. another girl and her normal father engage in some police brutality towards festival pickpockets as bonding. the third girl, at least, is traditional and proper even if she’s performing a ceremony that comes from non-Japanese origins (and yet... it’s still a tradition that ties them to their ancestors and the gods and who they are, and Shinto says that tradition is sacred, it doesn’t say that traditions that first came from outside aren’t sacred)

The man is following his mother around as she chatters with everyone and gets up to shenanigans at the festival. ‘Father couldn’t make it again’ mentioning a grandmother who used to stay with him at these. Looking up at the sparks rise above the fire to send the dead home, lonely even though he’s surrounded by people in his hometown... and then he gets tackled by the three girls demanding he take photos with them while they’re all in kimonos

And then it switches to someone announcing That Bastard is finally dead. Far from the land he was born, with no one in the country he served who cares to claim his body ‘so we should send someone to pretend to be a relative’ and someone declaring that this is now a formal meeting because while obviously they all want to desecrate his grave, they are going to do it in an organized fashion that reflects the gravity of his crimes and pays respects to his innocent victims and continuing victims of that bastard’s legacy of murder and hatred. Eggs and toilet paper are not up for discussion is said with a pointed look at another man, who whines ‘big bro!’

This is the most diverse group of people Saotome has ever seen, people from all over the world united in their hatred of someone who gets referred to with several different languages’ curse words.

And then someone walks in and goes ‘here you are, okay, what are you up to? I’ve been raising kids for half a century, I know that when you’re all quiet and busy somewhere you’re up to no good’ and it’s Kyousuke. The guy who went ‘big bro’ gets his ear twisted, and whines ‘dad!’

It’s revealed that ‘that bastard’ is someone who hurt Kyousuke, who they’re protective of like the unit is (he still looks so young...) but when he gets it out of them he’s no! and there is a whine of ‘dad! He shot you!’ ‘I know’ *bullet scar revealed* ‘I’m the one he shot, so I get to decide what to do with him’

Kyousuke lifting away a sheet to reveal a body old and twisted and crippled. And Saotome’s. Kyousuke is blank an solemn... and sad.

Going through the Shinsosai funeral rites, all foreign Buddhist influences removed as he would have wanted, and maybe there’s a reason the people of Japan for centuries were happy to have Buddhists to help them usher their families into the next world, because he can see the weight of the kegare on him, how Kyousuke mourns him, is the only one who mourns him. Eventually a woman who treats Kyousuke as both an embarrassing younger brother and as a respected father comes to help, to cheer him up, even though she despises Saotome too, for hurting him.

A picture of the unit, in Kyousuke’s family shrine. ‘Now everyone in this photograph but Fujiko is dead... He took my family from me, but he, too, was family.’

Then he grabbed the woman, teleported, and dragged her down with him into the ocean for purification.

...then Kyousuke goes to bully the man from before, who is arguing with the three girls about how yes, they are sleepy, Kaoru nearly flew them into the ground getting home, while making them all tea before he shoves them into their bedroom. When he turns around Kyousuke has stolen the cup that was supposed to be for him, and the man at first automatically raises his hackles, but then looks sympathetic.

Kyousuke looks away, annoyed and pouting, at sympathy from this person.

‘...If I try to comfort you you’re going to shove my head in the toilet again,’ the man says, getting himself another cup of tea.

‘Absolutely’ Kyousuke agrees.

Silence, and eventually Kyousuke says, ‘at first I thought you were his reincarnation, even though he would have been offended at the idea of him reincarnating. Then I found he was with the Comericans, had been since the war, and I thought, it would have been better if he was you. Not for the Queen. But for him. If I hadn’t failed to avenge my comrades back then, he could have moved on to a better life or the otherworld. Not been forced to live on a failure and a pawn in a foreign land, unable to return home. He was a proud man.’ Looking down at his tea, ‘when I met him again, he asked me to kill him.’

‘..in the precog, I know there’s a nuke on the way when I shoot Kaoru,’ the man says, and now Saotome knows where he’s seen him. ‘even though I want to kill her so she can’t leave again and I want it enough to kill her before she stops that nuke from destroying Tokyo, I still know that I have to die for this. I’m just getting the order wrong. I should die before I do that. Having to live with what I do in that precog would be a fate worse than death.’

‘That was why I erased his memories that day. He... there was no point in him continuing to suffer. None of us would have wanted that for him. I thought... didn’t he know our feelings? That we were loyal to him, that we didn’t mind dying for him? And then I saw that he truly didn’t recognize our feelings. Because he didn’t know what it looked like, to recognize when people truly cared for him. But he cared for us, and so when he thought that espers would turn against normals, that it was impossible for us to ever care for him... Those damn precogs. They broke his heart before he put a bullet through mine.’

‘Maybe... next obon?’

a shake of the head. ‘he thought it was too foreign. It’s fine, our comrades will beat sense into him in the afterlife.’ Kyousuke drank the rest of his tea.

‘..Some of the parts of the traditional ceremony... PANDRA loves you, but I think that would have made it hard to force them to cooperate,’ the man said. “I don’t want to hear words honoring him either, but you like to do things I don’t want.’

‘What, are you going to give me condolences for his loss?”

‘I can honestly say that I am very sorry he’s dead, because it means I will never get to strangle him,’ the man vigorously throttled the air, going from kind and patient to a man more than capable of shooting a young woman in love with him, and back, ‘from turning you from such a sweet, good little kid into the godawful brat I have had to deal with.’

Kyousuke snorted.

“Do you want another cup of tea, or a cup of milk?”

“Milk.” Kyousuke said, and when the man was on his way to open a white door, he began, “Utsumi-san said that he graduated first in his class, but he had no family and no background. The esper unit was his proposal, so when he told us that we could serve our country and be accepted, he wagered his own future on the chance that ours could be happy. Utsumi said later that he never trusted Saotome-Taicho, because he knew he didn’t truly care for us. I asked once why he didn’t warn us, if he knew that, but... Utsumi knew his heart, so he knew that Saotome-taicho also was different, was desperately wishing to prove he was valuable enough to accept. He knew what bait to dangle before us because it was the exact same lure that led him to the army. We all wanted him to have that happy future, along with us.’

[tomorrazon]

i think that i am sad

i don't even know what i get from putting this out there, maybe just something

some closure about telling the void i guess

nearly 2 months of school and i havent made a single friend. i never really had friends when i was a kid. my friends were my teachers but mostly the librarian and the special ed teacher. i finally started making friends in highschool but i shouldve known that it wasnt going to last. i am always so jealous and bitter at parents who post their kids when no one came to their party, and they get sent hundreds of gifts. where was that for me at all of my birthdays where i was alone. that poor 10 year old alone on her birthday didnt get hundreds of gifts, she just got her dad, scrambling, trying his best. but now, years later, he instead blames you for no one coming. i could keep going, but it’s all hollow. burning out for the first time in my life. having to put down two of my only friends days before school didnt help either. some days i only had consolation in my little lady and i cant even have that anymore. shattered my phone the other day. having to deal with the crippling weight of not knowing whether or not im transgender. the immense self hatred that i feel every day is almost too much. i am also extremely bitter. i am beginning to resent those that love me the most. because of them i cant die. i have to stay around and suffer for them just so they don't have to deal with the knowledge of my death. I don't even see them every day. i live hundreds of miles away from them, all by myself and i have to stay alive because why? because theyll be sad? are you fucking kidding me? i am told to be selfish for once but im not even allowed to die. every existence of myself is a burden. if i continue to live and go to college i use my mother’s money. if i die, those who love me are sad and they have to deal with that emotional toll, in addition to the monetary toll that comes with death. if i continue to live but drop out, i continue to use up my mother’s money because i cant get a job due to my crippling social anxiety due to my autism. every existence of myself is a burden. yet somehow one of the things that hurts the most is knowing that my body would sit for weeks in my apartment, alone. i don't know why that hurts most. my body has done nothing to deserve this. so i guess without the soul, the concept of the innocence of the body just laying there, helpless and alone is truly heartbreaking. even now i am procrastinating homework that was due a week ago. i cant even miss class 3 times without an automatic failure. ive never made a decision for myself, my entire life. i don't know who i am. i want to go on t because the amount of pain im in every single day is absolutely pathetic but one of the only things ive ever been truly praised for is my singing voice. it’s one of the only things im actually proud of myself for. its the only part of my identity that i have but i hate it simultaneously. to start t is salvation but is also to completely destroy the only part of myself that i have. strangely enough, i often ask myself that, if i had 3 months left, would i start? the answer is always yes. why cant i start now? the only other thing i am ever praised for is my artistic skill, but even that is nothing compared to my peers. so why would i give up the only thing i am truly confident that i am the best at? plus i have to deal with the fact that i would be losing so much family. i always see other people with unaccepting family and i could never imagine myself in their shoes because i always figured that i had a pretty accepting family. but sometimes it sinks in. i would lose my step siblings. my step brothers are especially extremely transphobic. the thought that my sweet little brother would look at me with disgust, like im some monster. the thought that he would just call me a tranny to his friends after hearing his dad call me that behind my back. all of my friends from my hometown who don't even text me anymore. im convinced that they only ever even liked me because they wanted to fuck me. they were only ever friends with me because of my looks. and i dont even want/like my looks. my grandparents. im reminded every time i get a “happy birthday to the best granddaughter ever!” card. sometimes it almost feels intentional. every single day is soul crushing but i have always suppressed crying since i was little because it’s always so exhausting and time consuming. i don't have time to feel sad, i have homework. i also never confide in others. i always journal. always always always. i figure that’s probably why im making this post. journal adjacent. i already know im a massive burden so i don't bother telling others that im borderline suicidal. most of my days are okay, or “alright” but my bad days. theyre really bad. it’s just a cacophony of voices that i cannot shut off. they constantly repeat how truly worthless i am. because i am. i am worthless. they tell me how much of a burden i am. i am pathetic.

i have never allowed myself to be happy. i am constantly aware of the bad times around the corner. i never allow myself to get comfortable. every time i do, it is proven how truly forgettable i am. no one has ever listened to me. there are home videos from when i was younger, trying to get my parents attention. vlogs with friends where everyone talks over me or doesnt hear me. no one ever noticing when im there or when im absent. even having people tell me that they would celebrate my death. even in a joking way, i still feel it. people always like to pretend that im super important, that everyone knows me and loves me. that im super popular. but no one ever remembers that im here. the me that is super popular is her, and i am not her. my whole life when people asked my greatest fear, i would always say that it was being forgotten. every day i believe that it has come true. i have one singular friend and i cant even bring myself to be myself anymore around her. everything hurts. im just so exhausted. i just want time to stop. i just want to be happy. whenever someone asks where i want to be in 10 years or asks what my goal is in life, i always just say that i want to be happy. it is so simple but i havent felt it in so long. i can feel my parents progressively getting more worried. each one of their texts more careful worded than the last. maybe out of the fear that it may be the last thing they text me. each call becoming more heartfelt, asking how to help. fear that it may be the last thing they say to me. i want to die but i cant. instead i shall rot from the inside out. i will be hollow. i will be hollow but i will be alive.

if i don't make a friend by the end of the year I'll probably drop out. let’s see if i make it to christmas. i don't even know what i want.

[juviin]

Here’s literally all the rosie lore. 

(template 1) (template 2)

Name: Rosemary Nare Etana Alias: Ro, Rose, Rosie Personality: Rosemary is very open about her emotions. She takes a while to warm up to people, but when she does, she loves people very strongly. Relatives: Father (estranged), Mother (deceased), 4 older siblings, 2 younger siblings. Status: Alive Species: Human Gender: cis female Age: 19 Eyes: Gold Hair: Pink Appearance: Rosemary is 5′5 and has short pink hair. She has two scars, one along her back and one on her lower right abdomen. She also has a tattoo on her calf of a lily. Birthday: July 30th Constellation: Leo Height: 5′5″ or 165 cm Blood Type: O Occupation: Magic Knight -Squad: Black Bulls Country: Clover Affinity: Lava Magic (On a scale of 0-10: 0 being terrible and 10 being the best) Physical Strength 5/10 Magic Amount 7/10 Magic Control 9/10 Magic Sensing 6/10 Cleverness 9/10 Growth 8/10 Equipment: none

(this next one is all in first person which i am NOT used to writing in but...)

Part 1: The Basics

What is your full name?--Rosemary Nare Etana

Where and when were you born?--I was born on July 30th in a large city in the Common Realm, however we moved to a small town shortly after I was born.

Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.)--

Lily Etana was my mother’s name. She worked several jobs while raising us, like waitressing and being a maid. She was very kind too, but a lot of people took advantage of her for that. I guess that’s why Val and I have taken to being aggressive about how we feel, and aggressive in sticking up for her. When I was 12, an assassin killed her and gave me the scar across my back. I’m sure he was sent by my grandparents, but they played the fool and even sent an advisor to her funeral. Since then, that advisor has scheduled meetings with me monthly to make sure I haven’t told anyone.

My father’s name is Andranik Typhos the fourth? something like that, but I don’t know very much about him. I know he’s a noble, but I’ve never met him. I don’t hear that many complaints about him, and Mother says he was a wonderful gentleman, but I’ve met his parents, and I find it hard to believe that they would raise a lovely son.

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?--I have four! On my mom’s side, at least.

Valerian is the oldest. He’s sixteen years older than me, so he’s a lot more mature than me, and very protective of us younger siblings. He has three kids, too, and his wife is Eli’s cousin. They have been married since I was only three, so she’s been in our lives forever. The two of them basically became my parents after our mother died, so I couldn’t be more grateful to them.

Then is Dahlia. Dahlia is 12 years older than me. She’s very calm, and there have been more than a few times where Valerian has been freaking out and Dahlia always keeps her cool and fixes the problem. She’s the best at makeup.

Basil is in the direct middle, and they’re 9 years older than me. They are very energetic and mischievous. I don’t think Basil wants a spouse, but they’re very dedicated to their craft. I blame them for the multiple scams of my father’s estate, but who’s complaining? Basil also has a scar along  their right cheek, running from their nose to their chin

Azalea is the closest to my age, she’s 25. She’s a lot like our mom. She treats everyone with kindness, but I worry about people taking advantage of her for that.

Also, I know that my father has two children younger than me with his wife, but I’ve never met them and I probably never will.

Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people.--I live with the Black Bulls! The base is really crazy and always changing, but there’s always something going on, so everyday is fun.

What is your occupation?--I’m a Magic Knight, but I have also worked some other jobs in the past.

Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks--I’m 5′5, and around 150lbs. My skin is pale, so I tend to burn very easily, and my eyes are yellow and my hair is pink. I like to wear warm colors and clothes that aren’t very tight, as well as boots. I have two large scars, one is about three inches and is a slash along my stomach, while the other one is about eight inches long and runs across my upper back, both from assassination attempts. I try to hide both of them. I also have one tattoo on my lower calf, so it’s usually covered.

To which social class do you belong?--I believe I’m considered a commoner. I likely wouldn’t be considered a noble unless something happened to my father’s legitimate children, though I have no interest in being taken in by his family. 

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?—I get nosebleeds often because of an injury when i was younger. 

Are you right- or left-handed?—right handed

What does your voice sound like?—If I had to describe it, I’d say it’s medium in pitch and kind of airy. 

What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently?--nothing particularly?

What do you have in your pockets?—um. a handful of flowers, a pocket watch, and assorted candies. 

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?—I sometimes bite my nails. 

Part 2: Growing Up

How would you describe your childhood in general?--Average for the most part, I’d say. I had a loving mother and 4 great siblings. Still, my mother’s death hit all of us very hard.

What is your earliest memory?--Sadly, my first assassination attempt. That one was when I was around five and it was sent by my father’s family. It gave me the scar on my stomach, and also gave Basil the scar on their face from them protecting me.

How much schooling have you had?--I went to the small schoolhouse in town up until I was 12, and then I started going less so I could work more. 

Did you enjoy school?--I enjoyed learning, but I’ve found that I learn more outside of school.

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?--I learned basic first aid and how to identify certain plants and herbs from my siblings. I mostly learned battle from experience and assassins.

While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them.—my siblings, especially Basil

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?--We all got along very well as kids, though they were all a lot older than me so that did strain our relationships a bit, especially as the youngest.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?--As a child I wanted to work in medicine, even though my magic is ill suited for it. I only decided that I wanted to become a Magic Knight after my mother’s death.

As a child, what were your favorite activities?—i used to love helping my mother garden. 

As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display?--I cried a lot more than I do now. I was always scared, as I knew from a young age that my father’s parents wanted me dead.

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?--My only friend was really Eli, but she hung out with all the kids from town, so i vaguely knew them.

When and with whom was your first kiss?--also Eli, when we were about 12 and 13.

Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?--I’m not. After Eli left town I kind of lost myself for the next two years until I became a knight. 

Part 3: Past Influences

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?--My mother's death perhaps?

Who has had the most influence on you?--Eli. I think if not for her, I would be a very different person.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?--The amount of nobles I’ve insulted to their faces on official magic knight business.

What is your greatest regret?--being born.

What is the most evil thing you have ever done?--I don’t think I’ve ever done anything “evil”, only some malicious things, but I don’t regret them.

Do you have a criminal record of any kind?--No, but I probably should for extortion.

When was the time you were the most frightened?--The first attempt on my life.

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?--My elder brother catching me lying about my profession. 

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?—i would be stronger. 

What is your best memory?—probably the first few months with the black bulls. It was genuine happiness for the first time in a while. 

What is your worst memory?—the aftermath of my mother’s death. I don’t remember the actual event, some mix of trauma and head injuries, but I do remember the weeks following. 

Part 4: Beliefs And Opinions

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?—i think i’m more pessimistic, but i'm trying to be an optimist. 

What is your greatest fear?--My greatest fear is once again being too weak to protect the people that I love. 

What are your religious views?--I’m not religious.

What are your political views?--I think that the Clover Kingdom’s nobility is corrupt, and the whole system needs to be fixed.

What are your views on sex?--I think nothing much of it. 

Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable?--I think I’m a hypocrite on this. I think killing is unacceptable, but I wouldn’t hesitate to kill the people that harm the ones I love. 

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?--In my opinion, the most evil thing one can do is to habitually hurt and abuse others.

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?--No. I don’t think that anything like that is real.

What do you believe makes a successful life?--I think that money plays a large part of success. 

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)?--Very open. My emotions are very easily read.

Do you have any biases or prejudices?--Yeah i hate nobles. 

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it?--I try to stay out of the public eye as best I can. I also refuse to do jobs near my grandparents’ home. 

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)?--Finral or Eli. I’d do anything for them.

Part 5: Relationships With Others

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?—I try to keep people at a distance, but when I become close to someone, they become one of my People. I’d do anything for the people I’m close to. 

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?--Right now, it’s probably Eli or Finral. They’ve positively affected me in more ways than I can count.

Who is the person you respect the most, and why?—Captain Yami is the person I respect the most. Joining the Black Bulls changed my life so much for the better, and I’m so grateful that he gave me that opportunity.

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people—Eli is my best friend. She’s loud and always smiling, but I worry about her. I’m also pretty close to Magna.  He’s a great friend and brings out my mischievous side more. 

Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person.--Finral is great. He’s a little goofy, but he is very loyal and loving. 

Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.--I think I’m in love right now. 

How close are you to your family?--I’m very close to my older siblings.

Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?--No. I think I’d like to at some point be a mother, but not for a while longer. 

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?--I think I would find it hard to turn to anyone, but if I was so desperate, probably Eli or Magna. I’m too afraid to show Finral my weakness. 

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?--No. I need to be strong enough to protect myself. 

If you died or went missing, who would miss you?--I think that the bulls would. 

Who is the person you despise the most, and why?--My father. My mother spoke kindly of him, but he abandoned her. 

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?--I argue more.

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?—depends who I'm with, but I’m more likely to take a leadership role.

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?—I’d prefer a smaller group, personally, but i’m not bad with large groups. 

Do you care what others think of you?—yes. immensely 

Part 6: Likes And Dislikes

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?--I enjoy reading romance novels, and spending time in nature. Flower fields remind me of home and give me comfort. 

What is your most treasured possession?—my pocket watch. my mother gave it to me, since it was a gift to her from my father. 

What is your favorite color?—i like warm pale yellow

What is your favorite food?—I like crepes!

What, if anything, do you like to read?—I like to read romance. 

What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)?--I enjoy reading. On days off, I often spend hours at a time sitting outside and reading.

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit?—I generally don’t, but I will drink sometimes. I probably drink an average amount. 

How do you spend a typical Saturday night?—generally hanging around the Bulls hideout. If I have a day off I often go visit home to see my mother’s grave and give her flowers. 

What makes you laugh?—My squadmates! I’ve been told my sense of humor is bad..

What, if anything, shocks or offends you?--I hate the prejudices of the Clover nobles.

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?—When that happens (because it has before) I will usually walk around the base, sometimes I eat a snack. I also like to head outside and look at the stars when I can’t sleep. 

How do you deal with stress?—I will usually end up letting it out, whether emotionally or magically. I don't like to bottle things up. 

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?—I prefer having a plan. 

What are your pet peeves?—people talking over others. 

Part 7: Self Images And Etc.

Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?--I wake up at about 7 every morning, and get ready for the day. If I have a mission, I’ll leave for it early. On days I don’t have a mission, I will either go visit my mother’s grave or go see my grandparents or their advisor.

What is your greatest strength as a person?--I’d say my strength is supporting people. And also throwing lava. 

What is your greatest weakness?--I lie a bit too much, and I am a bit indifferent towards people I don’t care about.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?--I would want to be more caring. 

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?--I’d say introvert.

Are you generally organized or messy?--Organized. I don’t like disorder.

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.--I’m good at lying, cleaning, and fighting. I’m bad at controlling my emotions, sewing, and cooking.

Do you like yourself?--No, I really don’t. 

What are your reasons for being a magic knight*? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons…)--I am a magic knight because I want to protect people. 

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?--I want to heal from my past. 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?--I hope to still be a Magic Knight, and hopefully a higher rank.

If you could choose, how would you want to die?--I would want to die swiftly if I could choose.

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.--I would try to isolate myself from the people I love, so that they wouldn’t have to deal with grief. I think I would generally be calm.

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?--I want to be remembered for my strength. 

What three words best describe your personality?--open. loyal. decisive.

What three words would others probably use to describe you?--Rosie is loyal, smart, and loving!!-Eli

[liliesoftherain]

My Hero Academia 3 Main Boys x Reader

Todoroki, Midoriya, and Bakugou x Reader fic! You're finally getting to attend the school of your dreams, meeting great people along the way. Trying to live up to your fathers expectation without his help may be difficult but you're ready to prove to him and everyone you have what it takes to become a pro hero. You're not looking for any love, but when does that stop it from finding you on it's own?

-*-*-*-*-*-*-

You really couldn't believe the news that was being told to you when you received your digital acceptance letter. You knew you always wanted to go to U.A. considering you wanted to follow in your fathers footsteps, yet you were still so shocked that you completed the entrance exams in second place with 75 points. While you felt you didn't even do too much, your rescue points really did give you a boost seeing as you only had 40 of the villain points in your favor.

You felt happy that you got in on your own accord and not based on your father's recommendation. While you loved him dearly, you wanted to prove that you were going to be a great of a hero, just like he is. So for the rest of the evening you and your father were celebrating your successes, enjoying yourselves before you went to bed, your father telling you in a stern but gentle voice that you needed rest if you were going to do the best you could in your studies. You agreed wholeheartedly, giving your father a goodnight and making your way to you room. You felt no nerves like you assumed you'd be feeling. You felt ready and more determined than ever

When the first day finally rolled around, you knew your hero career finally going to be turning into a reality. You learned you were going to be in class 1-A, and you had 20 other students your class. 21 may have been an odd number but it was still pretty small. 41 students in total had gotten into the hero course at U.A, and you were still overjoyed you made it in with you own hard work.

You walked into the classroom and noticed not many of the other students were here, and many heads turned to look at you. You didn't let it get to you and found an empty seat towards the back of the class room and settling in. Your focus was immediately turned to two other students who began to bicker loudly, and it seemed it was to everyone's amusement.

"Take your feet of off that desk now!" A large boy with a thick set of glasses spoke out.

"HUH?" The other student grinned cheekily back, slanted eyes held some annoyance but he was still brimming with a cocky attitude.

"It's the first day and you're already disrespecting this academy by scuffing school property you cretin."

"Wouldn't calling a fellow classmate names also be disrespectful? This is the hero course after all and name calling isn't very heroic." You spoke out before you could stop yourself, and you felt the two boys look over to you.

The taller one flushed heavily, a frown now set even firmer across his face as he held his hand to his chest.

"I-I suppose so yes. You're right" He looked back towards the other boy.

" I deeply apologize, here let me start over. I'm Tenya Iida from the Soumei Private Academy."

"You're kidding me right? You born with a stick up your ass or did Soumei put it up there, since coming from there you obviously think you're better than me." His grin widened even more as he leaned closer, his feet still perched on top of his desk as he continued.

"I'm going to have fun tearing you a new one." You rolled your eyes seeing that the blondie was just as disrespectful as what the Iida kid was claiming, even if it was for different reasons. You saw the door was open, causing you to look over and see another boy who looked very nervous while glancing between the two you were previously looking at. The boy caught your gaze and flushed, making a noise that quickly made all eyes on him. You heard Iida mutter a 'it's him'. Was he popular or something. You really weren't sure.

"UH HI!" The green haired student shouted out, clearly embarrassed by the stares as he looked away, finding something on the roof more interesting than everyone else.  

"Good morning!" Iida shouted, marching his way over to the kid, acting very formal and proper. That academy must of really had done a number on his personality if this was how he always was.

You were trying to get back to focusing on yourself, but overheard that the shy boy was named Izuku Midoryia. You hummed to yourself as you were trying to remember all the names you were going to eventually have to learn. You were terrible with names. You looked up and saw the cold stare the blondie was giving to Midoryia. You didn't like that look, it was pretty sinister.

'Oh well.' You thought, it wasn't your place to interfere.

"If you're just here to make friends you can pack up your stuff now. Welcome to U.A.s Hero Course" A gruff voice echoed throughout the classroom, and you saw a man in a sleeping bag.

"What a weirdo." You heard a mutter from next to you, and when you glanced you saw spiky red hair. He gave you a quick grin, and you smiled politely back. You didn't want to have no friends after all.

You watched the man stand up and take his bright yellow sleeping bag off, talking about how it took 8 seconds to stop talking and how it was unacceptable. He looked dead tired, and you wondered what this guy was doing teaching. Did he actually like this job?

"Hello I am Shouta Aizawa, your teacher." Multiple gasps ring out through the air, and you looked around wondering why it was all that hard to believe. Homeless looking or not, he was too old to be a student.

"Right let's get to it, put these on and head outside." He held up what looked to be gym uniforms. So you all did, changing in the locker rooms then heading outside. While walking out there, you saw the same spiky red head and decided was a good time to introduce yourself.

"Hi!" You walk next to him and saw he looked frazzled at first.

"Oh hey, you sit next to me right?" You nodded your head with a smile.

"My name is (f/n), it's nice to meet you. I wonder what this is all about." He grinned back, holding out his hand for you to shake.

"Likewise, I'm Eijiro Kirishima." You shook hands and he kept walking next to you, keeping the conversation going.

"Honestly I have no idea but I'm ready no matter what, I placed third in the entrance exam and I plan on staying in top three no matter what!" Your eyes widened.

"What no way! That's awesome you placed so high." You let a smug smile adorn your lips, thinking to yourself about if your father was here he'd scold you for bearing an arrogant persona.

"I mean, I guess you'll have to fight with me on that seeing as I got second place." Now it was Kirishima's turn for his eyes to widen, but he didn't get upset, letting out a small laugh and a grin full of resolve.

"Sounds like it! Be ready to be dethroned (f/n)!" His smiled suddenly faltered as he blushed slightly.

"It's uh, alright if I call you by your first name right? You didn't give me your last name." You nodded your head.

"I don't mind as long as I can call you by your first name, I don't give out my last name but it's Hakamata." You didn't see any recognition pop up on his face from your name so you relaxed a bit. He grinned and agreed you both could call each other by your first names, and your conversation was interrupted by Aizawa.

You stopped outside, what seemed to have certain outdoor activities like a track and a throwing area. Aizawa explained to all of you that you'd be having a quirk assessment test, causing a lot of students to raise their voice. It causes you to flinch at the loudness of it all. Were they going to be like this all the time?

Your teacher continued speaking, answering the question from another female student. She looked confused as she expressed her concerns of not being able to attend the opening ceremony that was held for first years, and Aizawa shot back that heroes shouldn't waste time on pointless things. And he'll run his class however he'd see fit.

"Bakugo you managed to get the most points on the entrance exam." You turned to see who he was talking to, and to your surprise it was the Blondie with the sour attitude.

"What was your farthest distance throw with a softball in junior high?"

Bakugo thought back for a moment before responding, a from never leaving his face.

"67 meters I think."

"Right," Aizawa spoke back, "now try doing it again with your quirk."

You watched as Bakugo take his place in the circle of the throwing area, not replying to the teacher as he said anything goes. You looked at Eijiro and he looked back, you both shrugged at each other, wondering what exactly could happen.

"Go on," Aizawa mutters out, getting impatient. "You're wasting our time."

Bakugo finally acknowledges him with an amused face before doing a quick stretch. Getting ready to throw. Bakugo cocked his arm back, and through with all his might, shouting a very lovely sentiment as he did so.

"DIE!" You held up a hand to cover your face with the extreme heat that came from his quirk use, and watched as the ball flew away at an extremely fast speed. You heard that Midoryia kid whisper out a woah, and you couldn't blame him. It was impressive to say the least.

While the class gasped as your teacher showed Bakugo's score, you felt yourself gasping along with them.

"705.2 meters, holy crap." You couldn't help your draw drop as you felt taken aback. You heard the buzz from the other students around you, till a very energetic girl who has a pink skin tone gushed about wanting to give it a try. While everyone was getting hyped, you nudged Kirishima and pointed towards the dangerous look Mr. Aizawa had on his face. Kirishima looked worried as you bite your lip, wondering what was going to happen now.

"So this looks fun huh."

'Crap here it goes.' You thought, the rest of the class quieting down, looking bewildered.

"You have three years at this school to try to become a hero. You think it's all going to be playtime?" He let out a creepy grin.

"Idiots. Today you'll complete in eight physical tests to gauge your potential. Whoever comes in last has none, and therefore will be expelled right then and there."

You were taken aback,  but felt a surge of adrenaline going through your body as the prospect of fighting for your right to be here. You grinned to yourself at the thought of making your father proud. You shared another look with Kirishima, it seems you both were thinking the same thing about proving worth.

"Good luck, you better not be expelled, because then that wouldn't give me a good feeling about kicking your ass you know."

"Oh we'll see who kicks whose ass now won't we."

It was time for the first test, the whole class pumped after hearing Mr. Aizawa's encouraging speech.

The 50-meter dash was the first test, and you felt yourself line up along with the brown haired girl from before, and a boy with a tail. You did a light stretch and released any thought you might've had. Now you really haven't perfected using your quirk in this way before.

Your quirk was called Light Manipulation. You are able to take the photons that make up light, and store them into your body as energy. Releasing them when you want. Normally photons are unable to interact with each other, which makes light impossible to grab, however, you are able to turn the light into mass by using light with very short wavelengths and high energies and frequencies. When this type of light is created, you're able to have them smash together to form protons and electrons, which can then make light into a solid matter.

What you were trying to do now was difficult. Since your body is full of light photons, in a sense you can make yourself become light, and move at light speed. You weren't too keen on practicing this since it always made you overheat, which is a drawback to your quirk.

You quickly ran to Kirishima before your race, and saw him standing next to a boy with blond hair with what look like to be a lightening bolt in black in his hair, as well as another boy with large elbows.

"Hey Eijiro can I ask you something real quick." He smiled down and you, his arms crossed.

"Yeah what's up (f/n)?" You handed him a large bottle of water.

"Can you stand by the finish line and pour this on me when I'm finished." You blushed.

"I know it's a little weird but my quirk causes me to overheat and I don't know if I'll be able to do it myself fast enough." Even though Kirishima looked puzzled he took the water and gave you a thumbs up.

"You can count on me dude! Kick some ass." You smiled gratefully and ran back to the starting line. You got into position, and felt yourself began to glow and left off a ton of heat.  The brown haired girl next to you looked at you and started to fan her face.

"Oh jeez you're burning up!" You grinned at her.

"Don't lose focus, run with all you've got!" She was taken aback, but gave you a hard smile, face set for the finish line.

"You too!" You heard the robot start the countdown, and felt yourself get lighten. As soon as the gunshot went off you felt your entire being practically explode, the heat almost unbearable as you sprinted across. You made it to the finish line and fell forward to stop yourself. You almost collided into Kirishima and he was too stunned to move. You felt your body turn back to normal as you gasped for air. Hearing you breath made him snap out of his daze as he poured water onto your frame. Watching the steam roll off in large puffs. You heard the robot yell out your score.

".45 seconds!" You grunted out, proud you were getting faster but tired from the overuse of your quirk. You grinned up at Kirishima as he laughed loudly.

"(y/n) that was amazing!" You stood up and grabbed the empty bottle, throwing it away.

"Thanks for cooling me down, even though I'm still a bit overheated I just need a moment and I'll be fine." You still had some steam rising out of your body, and you looked over to see most of the class staring at you with wide eyes. You saw Iida and waved.

"Sorry to say it looks like I won that one!" He frowned slightly but then quickly gave a sportsman like smile back.

"Well done!"

"That was really amazing! I'm Ochaco Uraraka!" Ochaco grinned as she held out her hand, you shook it and sheepishly rubbed the back of your head.

"I'm (y/n), you did amazing, 7.15 seconds is still really good."

You two stopped your talking as soon as the other students were up for the next round. You all stood off to the side, and met the boys that Kirishima was talking to earlier, learning their names were Denki Kaminari and Hanata Sero respectively. You felt a pair of eyes on you while you were talking to your new friends so you glanced around, seeing Bakugo had a hard stare fixed on you. His arms crossed and jaw tight, and his eyes only narrowed more as you looked at him. You didn't want to feel intimidated but his stare was pretty icy, so you waved back, not waiting for a reply before turning back around. After a few other students, you saw Bakugo going against that Midoryia he seemed to dislike so much. You saw how Midoryia was looking really nervous, more than he should be. Maybe his quirk wasn't really good for this type of stuff?

You assumed you were right as you saw Bakugo take off, creating explosions in his hands while Midoryia ran normally, having beat Ochaco by a couple of seconds. You congratulated Kirishima when he finished his test, teasing him about his time. He scoffed and playfully shoved you.

"Sorry we can't all run at the speed of light." You laughed and you all walked together towards a gym to perform your next task. It was simple enough, but you knew you weren't going to get a good of a sore as you did in the first test. You couldn't really use your quirk for strength.

Even though you tried your hardest at the grip strength test, but sigh dejectedly as you only got around a 60kg.

"WOW! You hit 540kg? You're such a beast!" You looked to see Sero praise another boy of the class who was using three different body parts, all looking like arms.

The next test was the standing long jump, and you were hoping you'd be able to shoot some light form your feet towards the ground to help your momentum. When you got up to the starting point, you did a leg stretch and felt heat make its way to your feet. You let it build for a moment before jumping off, willing your light to become solid to propel you high and far before letting the mass turn back to rays of regular light. You went pretty far before finishing the jump. While you landing was a bit messy, causing you to roll to not break any limbs, you were still happy to make it out of the sandpit that normal students without using quirks would've landed in.

The repeated side to side was more of a challenge seeing as you weren't exactly sure how to use the force of your light to help you. Taking your place, you just did normal side to side jumps without the help of your quirk, feeling embarrassed when you heard one student make a loud comment about your breasts. Your face turned bright red and you completed the task, crossing your arms you grumbled and walked away. You saw a tiny boy with balls on his head being scolded by Iida about making such inappropriate remarks. You stood by Ochaco as that's where you felt the most comfortable at the moment. Telling her you were okay when she rubbed your back reassuringly.

You walked with Ochaco towards the next area for the ball throw, you went and while you were better than back in your old school, it still wasn't anything too impressive. Ochaco congratulated you on your 50 meter throw, saying it was pretty cool to be able to throw that far with no quirk. You thanked her, letting her then gush to you about how excited she was when her turn was coming up.

"Since I can manipulate gravity, I know I got this in the bag!" You laughed with her.

"You better! That'll be awesome to see, my quirk wasn't useful so I had to stick to a regular pitch."

You watched Ochaco take her place in the circle with a small, before touch the ball and throwing it high. It traveled higher and higher, till you could barely see it even while squinting. Kirishima had his hands over his eyes to block out the sun to try to get a better look, while Kaminari was staring with his mouth wide open. If it were even possible, his eyes bugged out even wider and his mouth fell down farther when Mr. Aizawa revealed her score to be infinite. You cheered her on before looking towards your left.

"Midoryia?" He looked over with you a pale face, sweat dripping down the sides of his face.

"Are you okay?" You asked curiously. You wanted to brush it off as just shock that it went so high up, but you don't think that was the case. He was practically shaking, teeth clenched together. Was he scared of going home?

He nodded and gulped, trying to speak but his words coming out short and breathy.

"Ye-yeah fine. Thanks, uh (y/n)." You gave him a shoulder pat and a slight smile. 

"I'm sure you'll do great okay? Don't stress." He gave a wobbly smile back, before looking down, fear still evident on his face. His name  was called and he hesitantly took a stand. You watched as he stared at the softball intently, having some kind of internal battle.

"I wonder if he'll finally show his strength." Ochaco muttered next to you. You looked over at her as she took the place where Midoryia was previously occupying and gave her a questioning stare.

"Oh? Do you know his quirk?" Ochaco shook her head no.

"I don't know the specifics but he was the one who saved me from a zero pointer." You were shocked. He took down a zero pointer, all by himself? All you did was manage to help get someone out of the way, blasting at it only to slow it down, not doing too much damage.

"Wait, he was that one kid everyone was talking about then!?" You asked with wide eyes. Ochaco didn't even need to ask what you meant, she knew what you were talking about and nodded her head.

You were shocked, This scaredy cat was the one who destroyed a zero pointer. Like, crushed the thing.

"If Midoryia doesn't shape up soon he's the one going home." Iida spoke, you looked over at him, wondering if he knew what his quirk was. But before you could ask Bakugo cut you off.

"HUH? Of course he is! He's a quirkless loser!" You made a confused face, the same as Iida.

"He has a quirk!" Iida responded sharply.

"It must be a pretty good one," you interrupted, looking straight at Bakugo. "You didn't hear about what he did during the entrance exam? Everyone was talking about it."

Bakugo looked annoyed and gave you a questioning look, all he could manage was another,

"Huh??"

You were surprised that he didn't know, the way he was glaring at him during the morning class made you assumed they knew each other, or at the very least knew what he did during the entrance exam and thought he was competition.

Before you got to answer, Midoriya was getting ready to throw, and you saw a red light travel along his arm, and as soon as he pitched, you saw the red disappear as the ball rushed off.

Landing only 46 meters. His face filled with dread and yours with curiosity. That was the power that took out one of those huge robots? You saw long ribbons circling around your teacher, cutting off Midoryia as he mumbled to himself.

"I erased your quirk. The judges of this exam were not rational enough. Someone like you should never be allowed to enroll at this school. "

"Wait you did what to my..." You shared glances with kids around you, wondering why the hell Midoriya cut himself off and gasped.

"Those goggles! I know you! You can look at someone and cancel out their powers!" You listened to him continue as you had own conclusion. You hear your father mention him once or twice, but you never really cared since he wasn't apart of your fathers agency. But you finally came to the same thought as Midoryia.

"The Eraser Hero: Eraserhead!"

Everyone around you began to talk amongst themselves, wondering who the hell that was.

"He's a Pro Hero who doesn't work in the spotlight." You tell your classmates around you.

"He likes to work on the down low." You continued, stumbling a bit when Kirishima slapped your back.

"Look at you with all the answers!" You pushed him, looking back towards Midoryia and Aizawa, talking about broken bones and battered bodies. Midoryia arguing back before Aizawa wrapped his scarf around the boy, bringing him close and calling him a liability in battle.

The rest of the class looked on in silence. You were nervous, Mr. Aizawa seemed to do and say whatever the hell he wanted, who knew how this would go. He was scolding the boy, and you couldn't hear what was going on.

Aizawa finally let him go, and told him to take his final throw.

"I wonder what he was telling him." You questioned to nobody in particular.

"Probably told him to start packing." Bakugo spoke up from next to you, causing you to look up. His eyes were staring straight at Midoriya, before looking down at you. Eyes still cold.

"What." He asked, his tone wasn't as sharp as his eyes but he still had a gruffness to it.

You just smiled, letting out a chuckle before shaking your head.

"It's nothing." You heard him tsk beside you before your focus melted away, going back to Midoriya. He was mumbling to himself, staring at the ground.

He finally looked up and threw the ball, you didn't see his power activating but the ball went far. You noticed his finger was a bright purple, looking badly bruised, maybe even broken? You felt Bakugo stiffen next to you, and you looked back at him. While everyone was cheering or discussing his quirk, Bakugo's face was full of shock. You admitted it was nice to see that the guy could make another emotion besides anger appear on his face, but maybe you jinxed it when his face contorted with anger.

"HEY!" He shouted, blasting by you with his quirk activated, giving him a boost.

"DEKU YOU BASTARD! TELL ME HOW YOU DID THAT OR YOU'RE DEAD!" Bakugo open his palm and you heard Midoriya scream, or was it Deku?

"Wait!" A futile shout left your mouth as more of Mr. Aizawa's scarf came forwards and wrapped Bakugo up. Bakugo began tugging at it, and Aizawa explained why his scarf was so strong. You really weren't paying attention, too busy rethinking how pissed Bakugo looked and he went full force onto Deku.

You stared at Bakugo's back as he shook in anger, he was glaring harshly at Deku, and you felt scared by his gaze.

The next few tests were easy enough, sit-ups, seated toe-touch, and the long distance run. You were in great physical fitness thanks to sparring and training sessions with your father, and passed them no problem.  You felt good, walking to the scoreboard as Mr. Aizawa pulled up all the scores. You cheered when you saw that you were in the top 5.

"Hey fourth that's pretty good!" You glanced at Kirishima as he walked over with Denki and Sero, you smiled up at him.

"Hey number 9 isn't bad either. Top 10!" You looked at the other two boys who frowned, laughing you punched their shoulders.

"You guys did great too, no one here failed."

"Yea poor Midoriya." Denki muttered, and you looked over at the board to see he was right. Dead last. You looked over and saw Deku gripping his wrist, the hand he held with his broken finger clutched tight as he shook.

Mr. Aizawa smiled as he removed the results screen, turning towards the class.

"Oh I was kidding, no one is going home. I was trying to make sure you guys did your very best on this."

Midoriya went into shock as he went as white as a peace of paper. The girl who one first place, Momo you believe her name was, said how she thought everyone knew and should've said something.

"That was pretty nerve racking huh?" Sero chuckled nervously from your little group.

"Nah I'm always down for a challenge!" Ejiro chuckled, and you raised your fist up just like he did.

"Hell yea! No matter what we should always be giving it 100%!" You both snicker together, before you turn around to see Bakugo lost in thought. He was glaring at Deku, then Aizawa, and when he looked at you, to see you already looking, he huffed and looked away.

"Okay we're done for today, pick up a syllabus and read it over for tomorrow's class."

You watched as Mr. Aizawa handed Deku a nurses pass, before leaving along with the group of friends you made. Besides the fighting between classmates, you felt you had achieved a lot today.

You guys made your way back to the classroom, picking up a syllabus. You turned around and bumped into someone.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize anyone was right behind me." You gave a sheepish smile to the boy behind you. His hair was bi colored along with his eyes. He gave you a once over before humming. Not saying anything he grabbed a piece of paper and walked away. You clicked your tongue in annoyance at being ignored, but you just let it go.

You walked out with the boys, as well as the pink skinned girl from earlier. She introduced herself as Mina, and you got along fairly well. You saw someone else leaving and quickly called out to them, she turned and smiled turning towards you. You managed to give Ochaco a quick goodbye before she sprinted off in front of you, you notice she was catching up Midoriya and Iida.

When you finally get home, you smiled even though your father wasn't there. You made yourself lunch and spent the remainder of your day studying and training. Simple warm ups since there wasn't much else you could do. By the time your father got home you had dinner made and ate together. You told him all about your day and he was very proud of you.

"I know fourth place is amazing, but don't let it go to your head you understand?" You laughed at the irony of placing fourth, but rolled your eyes at his warning.

"I know dad, I'm not. I'm planning on giving it my all, I don't underestimate any of my classmates!" He grinned at you before smoothing your head down. It was his own way of showing affecting.

"Perfect. Now go get ready for bed." You washed your plate before heading upstairs to get do your nightly routine before getting into bed. You were kept awake by the excitement of a successful first day, rolling over onto your side you smiled quietly to yourself.

"I'm ready for whatever happens, bring it on."

[greatfay]

controversial opinions?

Cold pizza actually not good. Tastes like angry bacteria.

There’s a completely separate class of gay men who are in a different, rainbow-tinted plane of reality from the rest of us and I don’t like them. They push for “acceptance” via commercialization of the Pride movement, assimilation through over-exposure, and focus on sexualizing the movement to be “provocative” and writing annoying articles that reek of class privilege instead of something actually important like lgbtqa youth homelessness, job discrimination, and mental health awareness.

Coleslaw is good. You guys just suck in the kitchen.

Generational divides ARE real: a 16-year-old and a 60-year-old right now in 2021 could agree on every hot button sociopolitical topic and yet not even realize it because they communicate in entirely different ways.

Sam Wilson is a power bottom. No I will not elaborate.

Allison’s makeover in The Breakfast Club good, not bad. She kept literally and metaphorically dumping her trash out onto the table and it’s clearly a cry for help. Having the attention and affection of a smart, pretty girl doing her makeup for her was sweet and helped her open up to new experiences. Not every loner wants to BE a loner (see: Bender, who is fine being a lone wolf).

Movie/show recommendations that start with a detailed “representation” list read like status-effecting gear in an RPG and it’s actually a turn-off for me. I have to force myself to give something a try in spite of it.

Yelling at people to just “learn a new language” because clearly everyone who isn’t you and your immediate vicinity of friends must be a lazy ignorant white American is so fucking stupid, like I get it, you’re mad someone doesn’t immediately know how to pronounce your name or what something means. But I know 2 languages and am struggling with a 3rd when I can between 2 jobs and quite frankly, I don’t have the time to just absorb the entire kanji system into my brain to learn Japanese by tomorrow night, or suddenly learn Arabic or Welsh. There are 6500 recorded languages in the world, what’s the chance that one of 3 I’ve learn(ed?) is the one you’re yelling at me about. Yes this is referring to that post yelling at people for not knowing how to pronounce obscure Irish names and words. Sometimes just explaining something instead of admonishing people for not knowing something inherently in the belief that everyone must be lazy entitled privileged people is uh... better?

Stop fucking yelling at people. I despise feeling like someone is yelling at me or scolding me, it triggers my Violence Mode, you don’t run me, you are not God, fuck off. Worst fucking way to "educate” people, it just feels good in the moment to say or write and doesn’t help. Yes I’ve done it before.

Violence is good actually.

Characters doing bad things ≠ an endorsement of bad things. Characters doing bad things that are unquestioned by the entire rest of the cast = endorsement of bad things, or at the least, a power fantasy by the creator. See: Glee, in which Sue’s awfulness is constantly called out, while Mr. Shue’s awfulness rarely is because he’s “the hero.” See also: the Lightbringer series, in which the protagonist is a violent manipulator who is praised as clever, charming, diplomatic, and genius by every supporting character (enemies included), despite the text never demonstrating such.

Euphoria is good, actually. It falls into this niche of the past decade of “dark gritty teen shows” but actually has substance behind it, but the general vibe I get from passive-aggressive tumblr posts from casual viewers is that this show is The Devil, and the criticism of its racier content screams pearl-clutching “what about the children??” to me.

Describing all diagnosed psychopaths as violent criminals is a damaging slippery slope, sure. But I won’t be mad at anyone for inherently distrusting another human who does not have the ability to feel guilt and remorse, empathy, is a pathological liar, or proves to be cunning and manipulative.

It’s actually not easy to unconditionally support and love everyone everywhere when you’ve actually experienced the World. Your perspective and values will be challenged as you encounter difficult people, experience hardship, are torn between conflicting ideas and commitments, and fail. My vow to never ever call the cops on another black person was challenged when an employee’s boyfriend marched into the kitchen OF AN ESTABLISHMENT to scream at her, in a BUSINESS I MANAGED, and threaten to BEAT the SHIT out of her. Turns out I can hate cops and hate that motherfucker equally, I am more than capable of both.

Defending makeup culture bad, actually. Enjoy it, experiment, master it, but don’t paint it as something other than upholding exactly what they want from you. Even using makeup to “defy the heteropatriarchal oppressors!” is still putting cash in their pockets, no matter how camp...

Not every villain needs to be redeemed, some of you just never outgrew projecting yourself onto monsters and killers.

Writing teams and networks queerbaiting is not the same as individuals queerbaiting. Nick Jonas performing exclusively at gay clubs to generate an audience really isn’t criminal; if they paid to go see him, that’s on them, he didn’t promise anyone anything other than music and a show. Do not paint this as similar to wealthy, bigoted executives and writing teams trying to snatch up the LGBTQA demographic with vague ass marketing and manipulative screenplays, only to cop out so as not to alienate their conservative audiences. And ESPECIALLY when the artists/actors/creators accused of queerbaiting or lezploitation then come out as queer in some form later on.

Queer is not a bad word, and I’ve no clue how that remains one of few words hurled at LGBTQA people that can’t be reclaimed. It’s so archaic and underused at this point that I don’t get the reaction to it compared to others.

People who defend grown-woman Lorelai Gilmore’s childish actions and in the same breath heavily criticize teenage religious abuse victim Lane Kim’s actions are not to be trusted. Also Lane deserved better.

Keep your realism out of my media, or at least make it tonally consistent. Tired of shows and movies and books where some gritty, dark shit comes out of nowhere when the narrative was relatively Romantic beforehand.

Actually people should be writing characters different from themselves, this new wave in the past year of “If you aren’t [X] you shouldn’t be writing [X]” is a complete leap backward from the 2010s media diversity movement. And if [X] has to do with an invisible minority status (not immediately visible disabilities, or diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, persecuted religious affiliations, mental illness) it’s actually quite fucked up to assume the creator can’t be whatever [X] is or to demand receipts or details of someone’s personal life to then grant them “permission” to create something. I know, we’re upset an actual gay actor wasn’t casted to play this gay character, so let’s give them shit about it: and not lose a wink of sleep when 2 years later, this very actor comes out and gives a detailed account of the pressure to stay closeted if they wanted success in Hollywood.

Projecting an actor’s personal romantic life and gender identity onto the characters they play is actually many levels of fucked up, and not cute or funny. See: reinterpreting every character Elliot Page has played through a sapphic lens, and insulting his ability to play straight characters while straight actors play actual caricatures of us (See also: Jared Leto. Fuck him).

I’m fucking sick of DaBaby, he sucks. “I shot somebody, she suck my peepee” that’s 90% of whatever he raps about.

“Political Correctness” is not new. It was, at one point, unacceptable to walk into a fine establishment and inform the proprietor that you love a nice firm pair of tits in your face. 60 years ago, such a statement would get you throw out and possibly arrested under suspicion of public intoxication. But then something happened and I blame Woodstock and Nixon. And now I have to explain to a man 40 years my senior that no, you can’t casually mention to the staff here, many of whom are children, how you haven’t had a good fuck in a while. And then rant about the “Chinese who gave us the virus.” Can’t be that upset with them if you then refused to wear your mask for 20 minutes.

Triggering content should not have a blanket ban; trigger warnings are enough, and those who campaign otherwise need to understand the difference between helping people and taking away their agency. 13 Reasons Why inspired this one. Absolutely shitty show, sure, but it’s a choice to watch it knowing exactly what it contains.

Sasuke’s not a fucking INTJ, he’s an ISFP whose every decision is based off in-the-moment feelings and proves incapable of detailed and logical planning to accomplish his larger goals.

MCU critique manages to be both spot-on and pointless. Amazing stories have been told with these characters over the course of decades; but most of it is toilet paper. Expecting a Marvel movie to be a deeply detailed examination of American nationalism and imperialism painted with a colorful gauze of avant-garde film technique is like expecting filet mignon from McDonalds. Scarf down your quarter pounder or gtfo.

Disparagingly comparing the popularity and (marginal) success of BLM to another movement is anti-black. It is not only possible but also easy to ask for people’s support without throwing in “you all supported BLM for black people but won’t show support for [insert group]” how about you keep our name out your mouth? Black people owe the rest of the world nothing tbh until yall root out the anti-blackness in your own communities.

It is the personal demon/tragic flaw of every cis gay/bi/pan man to externalize and exorcize Shame: I’m talking about the innate compulsion to Shame, especially in the name of Pride and Progress. Shame for socioeconomic “success,” shame for status of outness, shame for fitness and health, shame for looks, shame for style and dress, shame for how one fits into the gender binary, shame for sexual positions and intimacy preferences, shame for fucking music tastes. Put down the weapon that They used to beat you. Becoming the Beater is not growth, it’s the worst-case scenario.

Works by minorities do not have to be focused on their marginalized identities. Some ladies want to ride dragons AND other ladies. The pressure on minorities to create the Next Great Minority Character Study that will inevitably get snuffed at the Oscars/Peabody Awards is some bullshit when straight white dudes walk around shitting out mediocre screenplays and books.

Canadians can stfu about how the US is handling COVID-19 actually. Love most of yall, but the number of Canadian snowbirds on vacation (VACATION??? VA.CAT.ION.) in the supposed “hotbed” of my region that I’ve had to inform our mask policies and social distancing to is ASTOUNDING. Incroyable! I guess your country has a sizable population of entitled, privileged, inconsiderate, wealthy, and ignorant people making things difficult for everyone, just like mine :)

No trick to eliminate glasses fog while wearing my mask has worked, not a single one, it actually has affected my job and work speed and is incredibly frustrating, and I have to deal with it and pretend it’s not a problem while still encouraging others to follow the rules for everyone’s safety and the cognitive dissonance is driving me insane.

It’s really really really not anti-Japanese... to be uncomfortable with the rampant pedophilia in manga and anime, and voice this. I really can’t compare western animation’s sneakier bullshit with pantyshots of a 12-year-old girl.

Most of the people in the cottagecore aesthetic/tag have zero interest in all the hard work that comes with maintaining an isolated property in the countryside, milking cows and tending crops before sunrise, etc. And that’s okay? They just like flowers and pretty pottery and homemade pastries. Idk where discourse about this came from.

You think mint chip ice-cream tastes like toothpaste because you’re missing a receptor that can distinguish the flavors, and that sucks for you. It’s a sort of “taste-blindness” that can make gum spicy to some while others can eat a ghost pepper without crying.

Being a spectacle for the oppressive class doesn’t make them respect us, it makes them unafraid of us. This means they continue to devour us, but without fear of our retaliation.

Only like 4 people on tumblr dot com are actually prepared for the full ramifications of an actual revolution. The rest of you just really imprinted onto Katniss, or grew up in the suburbs.

Straight crushes are normal. They’re people first, sexual orientation second. Can’t always know.

The road to body positivity is not easy, especially if what you desire is what you aren’t.

You’re actually personally responsible for not voluntarily bringing yourself into an environment that you know is not fit for you unless you have the resolve to manage it. Can’t break a glass ceiling without getting a few cuts. This one’s a shoutout to my homophobic temp coworkers who decided working a venue with a drag show would be a good idea. This is also is a shoutout to people who want to make waves but are surprised when the boat tips. And also a shoutout to people who—wait that’s it’s own controversial opinion hold up.

Straight people can and should stay the fuck out of gay bars and queer spaces. “yoUrE bEInG diVisiVe” go fuck yourself.

[bidean-byedean]

Drop the essay 🥺 it sounds so interesting

omg I’m so flattered! ❤️  I’ll put it under the cut here (it’s 3600 words lol), just a few things:

Anon is referring to this post 

I wrote this for my Gothic Lit + Film module during my BA - 3ish years ago. This clearly isn’t the final version (uncited works, missing bib, etc.) and there’s a lot I would change now. God, I might rewrite it for Victorian Gothic or just for kicks... I got so close to making some really great points lol so forgive Undergraduate me for being almost smart. 

And yes, I looked at Interview with The Vampire so #tw: Anne Rice lol

‘Love Never Dies’ (tagline from Bram Stoker’s Dracula)

Explore the Treatment of Homoerotic Desire in Gothic Fiction and/or Film

The Gothic genre is one of transgressions and transformations. It crosses the boundaries of everyday societal norms to explore and express cultural anxieties by reforming psychological worries as physical monsters. Influxes of immigrants from around the Empire and the publication of Darwin’s Theory of Evolution created a huge social shift, undermining religious beliefs of creation and human’s superiority over the natural world. However, it also gave rise to more ‘scientific’ moral categorisations, being twisted to suit the needs of the white colonialists and justify the prejudices of the time by “grounding them in “truth.”” This new Scientia Sexualis, the bringing of sexuality into the psychoanalytic, political and scientific discourse, created new categorisations for sexuality and encouraged identification with these new categorisations.[1] This, for the first time, linked sexuality and identity and now meant one’s sexual practices and preferences came with a “truth” about the person. Homosexuality, as it was now known, was pathologised and seen as a new “species”[2] entirely, one that was a defective, lesser evolution than that of the traditional heterosexuality. Using the Gothic monster meant that authors could explore the ‘queer’ space in society, which means to blur boundaries of sexuality and gender[3] to explore repressed desires and curiosities raised by cultural anxieties over sexuality and gender. In Victorian Gothic, Le Fanu’s Carmilla and Stevenson’s Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde are two of examples of using the genre’s transgressive nature and monstrous metaphors to express veiled desires and vicariously act upon them. Although the Gothic gives a home to all that is abhorrent and unacceptable in everyday society, Rice’s Interview with The Vampire explores how the Gothic can treat something on the edge of acceptability. Writing in a time sexual liberation and progressive thinking, Rice’s treatment of homosexuality and non-conventional relationships could be seen to threaten the traditional allegorical use of the genre.

The vampire has long been a sexual being often representing foreign or ‘monstrous’ sex desires and appetites, and Carmilla’s portrayal of aggressive, homoerotic female desire is one the earliest and most complex of these examples. Although one cannot be certain about how progressive Le Fanu wished his novel to be, it can definitely be used to argue against the misogynistic and repressive Victorian gender roles. By using the Gothic genre, Le Fanu explores the ideas of transgressing boundaries, most prominently between life and death, but also using the boundaries of the domestic space being transgressed by Carmilla as a metaphor for the structure of society. The Victorians saw the woman as the ‘angel in the house’, ethereal and asexual, therefore Carmilla’s demonic invasion of the house and her inherently seductive nature is directly antithetical to the socially acceptable version of femininity. However, Carmilla’s “perfidious and beautiful” appearance is confusing for both the other characters, in particular Laura, and the reader themselves. Le Fanu’s expression of female sexuality and gender identity through vampirism conforms to the fact that the “monstrous is transgressive and unnatural because it blends those categories that should be classified as distinct.”[4] Carmilla represents a blurring of the gender boundaries set for women by Victorian society, with vampires being traditionally fluid characters as they “straddle the borders of the living and the dead,” it is natural for Carmilla’s vampirism to give her a freedom akin to that of masculinity. Carmilla excites and threatens the heterosexual male audience with her aggressive sexuality and choice of female victims. On the one hand, she is full of the voracious libidinal energy that is viewed as desirable in sexual objects, but on the other, because of her sexual power and freedom she can be read as a “potential castrator” by becoming a superior sexual predator. Crossing the boundaries of homosocial to homoerotic, Carmilla provides Laura with a relationship separate from her father, one that allows to grow outside of the parameters of the submissive, obedient and asexual daughter. The relationship between Laura and Carmilla means that they have, as Irigaray describes it, “refused to go to market.”[5] The queerness of Carmilla and Laura means that they no longer have to be commodities in the patriarchal market, passed from man to man, but created their own exchange between each other. By engaging in relationship with another woman Carmilla and Laura have “become masculine,”[6] they no longer need to seek masculine assurance outside of themselves or each other.

The group murder of Carmilla by the dominant men in Laura’s life is seen almost identically in Stoker’s Dracula. Lucy is staked by the three men from which she has had blood transfusions in a heavily sexually violent scene where the rebellious female is ‘penetrated’ and subdued by the heterosexual patriarchy. Once Carmilla has been destroyed, Laura is placed safely back under the dominance of the men around her and relies on them to relay Carmilla’s true identity. The confusion between whether they have killed the vampire or the queer woman becomes blurred by Le Fanu here. Laura is told that vampires stalk their victims with the “passion of love” and the use of “artful courtship,”[7]implying that she is not only being warned against vampires, but monstrous queer women. The men in her life invert her homosexual desire into warning signs of a vampire; that she must listen more carefully to the “abhorrence” she feels and ignore the “pleasure” that is akin to the “ardour of a lover.”[8] The novel seemingly ends with the message that many works in the genre embody:

“The Gothic may kill off the monster in such a way as to effect catharsis for the viewer or reader, who sees his or her unacceptable desires enacted vicariously and then safely ‘repressed’ again.”

Carmilla is no exception when it comes to reinstating the status quo after destroying the monstrous queer body it used to be able to safely blur and cross boundaries of societal norms.[9] However, this can also be argued. The novella ends with Laura reminiscing on the time since Carmilla’s destruction, and while she says: “it was long before the terror … subsided”, she also admits there is an “ambiguous” nature to her memories. The male authorities in Laura’s life could see Carmilla’s vampiric nature long before Laura could and despite insisting to Laura that Carmilla was nothing but a “demon”, making it clear that Carmilla’s desire was solely to kill Laura, she still feels affection for her lost friend. The very last sentence of the novella clearly shows her conflicting, but continued desire for Carmilla:

“sometimes the playful, languid, beautiful girl; sometimes the writhing fiend I saw in the ruined church; and often from a reverie I have started, fancying I heard the light step of Carmilla.”

Though the novella is, on the surface, wrapped up neatly with the white, patriarchy dominating over the queer female body, Fanu’s parting sentence emphasises the idea that it might not be a happy ending. Although Carmilla was literallya monster and would have killed Laura had she not been caught, she has clearly had a profound and positive emotional effect on Laura, who was briefly allowed to experience both same-sex support and desire.

Much of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries were “shadowed by the growing focus on the dangers of … close male friendships and signifiers of homosexuality,”[10] causing a repressed and paranoid time of ‘homosexual panic’. Men of the upper classes moved in almost exclusively male circles; all of their significant relationships outside of marriage would have been homosocial and therefore, plagued with worries about being seen as taking these relationships too far.[11] This paranoia manifested itself in the Gothic literature of the time as frantic and often contradictory.[12] Socially acceptable misogyny allowed male writers to praise homosocial relationships above those with women, who were seen as weak and hysterical, as seen in Stoker’s Dracula when Mina Harker is described as remarkable because she has “the brain of a man.”[13] However, the more insistent and heated misogyny only serves to emphasis what the writers are trying to avoid: being read as homosexual. Stevenson’s novella The Strange Case of Jekyll and Hyde exemplifies the idea ‘homosexual panic’ manifesting closer to homosexual repression. The invisibility of women, apart from being placed near or as victims of Hyde’s violence, not only speaks to Stevenson’s feelings about women, but also his feelings about men. Hyde’s aggression is often triggered by being faced with female sexuality: he is angered by the prostitute that offers her “venereal box”[14] and the saleswomen that exude “lurid charms” and “coquetry.”[15] While this could be a product of his evilness or lack of moral development, Jekyll retells the former story as the woman offerings a “box of lights,” even though it is clear to both the characters and the readers what really happened. This reluctance to admit to Hyde’s anger towards female sexuality implies an awareness and an anxiety around profound misogyny, particularly if it is female sexuality that repulses Hyde, which leads the reader immediately to ideas of homosexual desire. Through the Gothic genre, Stevenson is able to explore man as “truly two” by creating a physical outlet for this anxiety and repression felt around homosocial relationships that dominated men’s lives. Gothic literature is often full of mystery and secrecy, and like the vampire, which has been linked to the plight of homosexuality because they are forced to live in the shadows, hiding their abhorrent desires and constantly plagued with the fear of being caught and destroyed - Jekyll goes through the same fears with Hyde. Although homosexuality was no long a capital crime (the last men executed for it in the UK being in 1835, the law was changed in 1861, before the publication of both Carmilla (1872) and Jekyll and Hyde (1886)), it was still punishable by law. Jekyll creates Hyde as a criminal outlet for his “concealed pleasures” that he saw as incompatible with his high social status and unworthy of a man respected so greatly by his peers.

Like with the vampire, the Gothic allows for Hyde to be an example of the “monstrous queer” with his “evil” actions reflected in his “deformed” “ape-like” body. In the eighteenth century, ‘monstrous’ was synonymous with queer, linking same-sex desire with the demonic.[16] Similarly, Stevenson’s use of language to describe Hyde is full of natural and evolutionary imagery. He constantly emphasises the fact that Hyde is animalistic, beast-like or, specifically, ape-like to distance Hyde from the respectable and civilised Dr. Jekyll. Hyde is presented as a step down on the evolutionary chain, he is a lesser creature and incapable of higher reasoning and moral thinking. Due to this lack of moral and reasoning capabilities, homosexuals were also seen as inherently selfish and indulgent. The purpose of their sexuality was solely to satisfy personal pleasure rather than transcendental values and contribute to the wider society.[17] This is linked to thinking that Edelman coined as “reproductive futurism,”[18] which is the idea that capitalism’s hold on cultural thinking pervades even to police sexual practices that it deems “unproductive” and therefore, “unnatural.” However, through the Gothic monstrous body, Stevenson can apply natural imagery to Hyde’s impulses and desires while still concealing them under the guise of a “deformity” or a lesser developed being. Through the paradox of his closeness to nature making him ‘abnormal’, Stevenson can tap into the language of the culture and exploit the reader’s psychological justifications for how they view these ‘social disgraces’ (homosexuals), but he can also challenge them.[19] By presenting Hyde as a grotesque Gothic monster the contradictions in viewing homosexuality as both closer to nature and a “deformity” are subtly, but clearly, there for the reader to understand, should they look into the coded meanings of the text.

Anne Rice’s Interview with The Vampire (1976) signalled a new kind a Gothic queer, one living in the age where to identify with homosexuality, personally and socially, was becoming more and more acceptable. One review by Jerry Douglas states that Rice’s series “constitutes as one of the most extended metaphors in modern literature”[20]because it made clear to the mainstream audience the deeply embedded parallel between queerness and the vampire. However, Douglas seems to have missed that almost a century has passed from the first uses of Gothic as an ‘extended metaphor’ for being queer, and it is not the homosexuality that is now hidden in subtext. The homoerotic content of Rice’s novels was so explicitly clear that despite buying the film rights in 1976, impressively the same year as publication, Paramount Pictures did not manage to successfully market the film for production for another twenty years and it was finally released in 1994. Although this proves that society’s view on homosexuality was still decidedly cold and the mainstream audience lacked a palate for viewing homoerotic desire in the cinemas, it also emphasises the leap that Rice was making through her Gothic novels. While homosexuality no longer needed to be coded and staked in a scene reminiscent of gang-rape by white men, the presentation of homoerotic desire and non-conventional relationships still needed the Gothic monstrous body to encourage the audience into a world of blurred boundaries concerning sexuality and gender. One of the revisions for the potential film was to make Louis female, apparently Rice herself offered up this change because she saw it as “consistent with his passivity.”[21] This compromise flags as one of the first indications that Rice’s works may not be the epitome of queer representation in modern Gothic literature, but in fact, she consistently seems afraid to truly obscure and distort societal boundaries of sexuality and gender because of internalised misogyny and homophobia. The film adaptation of Interview with The Vampire, although also written by Rice, downplays the homoerotic content to playful subtext and tension, refusing to risk alienating the mainstream, heterosexual audience by being too transgressive of norms. Coupled with the casting of blockbuster favourites Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Antonio Banderas, whose appeal was deeply entwined with their heterosexuality and masculinity,[22] the novel that was too explicitly queer for the 70s became a cautiously heterosexual-aligned film in the 90s. Perhaps one of the most significant dampeners on the Gothic novel’s queerness and transgression of boundaries was the AIDs crisis, which took hold of western media and created general panic in the 80s. This made the triad of homosexuality, blood, and multiplicity of victims, which appears in the novel, a direct and unavoidable link to the negative misconceptions about and unsympathetic feelings towards AIDs and its victims.

One of the ways in which Rice succeeds with transgressing boundaries is in her portrayal of the vampire and the way in which the reader is encouraged to relate to and sympathise with the monster. Carmilla and Hyde, though metaphorically complex, are essentially blood-thirsty killers, lacking in capabilities of higher moral thinking and reasoning compared to Louis’ very human existential suffering. The vampiric predecessors subscribe to an explicit separation between vampires and humans, but this opposition between fiend and man has ceased to exist within Rice’s Gothic world. Louis and Lestat, though monstrous and, at times, deeply unlikeable, are never presented as inherently evil. By making the previously monstrous relatable and understandable, Rice inadvertently played a progressive role in attitudes towards those with AIDs, by blurring the lines between the monstrous “them” and the moral “us.” The vampires, particularly Lestat and Claudia, do not try to be ‘good’ victims, they are ruthless and constantly hungry for their next hunt, which they deeply enjoy. Lestat describes his ability to transform others into vampires as a “gift,” encouraging Louis to ingest his contaminated blood and make the transformation from human to out-casted other. The AIDs allegory fits neatly into the traditionally sexualised moments of feeding and initiation, which are also the moments in which the physical boundaries between the vampiric-other and the human-us is most blurred. Much like Jekyll towards the end of Jekyll and Hyde when he loses control over which physicality manifests, the sharing of blood fuses the Gothic monstrous body and the normal, human body, rendering explicit physical boundaries ineffective. Along with Louis deep suffering with guilt and self-loathing, the ‘us’ reader is drawn into a sympathetic corner in this metaphor, even if they do not hold one for the real-life counterpart. The monstrous ‘other’ manifests only in the literal sense of being a vampire, he is no longer a physical embodiment of immoral desire, less evolutionarily developed and repulsive, but deeply emotional and craving acceptance and familial support. The unorthodox family unit of Louis, Lestat and Claudia is in many ways a comical parody of the bourgeois family, with estranged, asexual parents and a spoilt child, created in hopes of strengthening the marriage bond.[23] Unfortunately, Rice perpetuates the harmful ideas that homosexual units mirror heterosexual ones, therefore prioritising heteronormativity by remaining within its boundaries. Rather than choosing to portray a positive queer family unit or completely distort the norms of the family unit, the trio are a demonic, abhorrent “deformed” version of the conventional heterosexual family. This links to Rice’s suggestion of Louis’ gender transformation: she, whether consciously or unconsciously, projects the idea that even in a homosexual couple there must be a submissive ‘female’ and an aggressive ‘male’. The creation of this dysfunctional family also serves to later emphasis beliefs that were explored in Jekyll and Hyde, that homosexuality is inherently selfish and purely to satisfy personal pleasure. When Louis meets Armand, he is infatuated with a “longing … so strong it took all of [his] strength to control it,”[24] and Claudia is immediately jealous, she knows he is attracted to him and is threatened by Louis’ homoerotic desire. Claudia cannot fulfil her role as a child or a lover to Louis, and her death by the hands of his new lover is indicative of the conservative fears that sexually immoral people, like homosexuals, cannot be trusted to have a family for they are not bound to the reproductive process or inclined to sexual monogamy.

While homosexuality and homoerotic desire remain politically and socially contested, there has always been a space for the manifestations of non-conventional sexual practices and relationships in Gothic. The monstrous body is deeply metaphorical and without that sense of transgression, it lacks the conviction of otherness, which is used to frighten or morally awaken the reader. Although in all three novels explored homosexual desire is treated as a social taboo and something to be morally condemned, by using the Gothic genre the authors can sub-textually create an argument against the status quo. In both Carmilla and Jekyll and Hyde, the destruction of the monster does not mean that the text has a ‘happy ending’. Laura is left feeling melancholia and lonely without Carmilla, often dreaming that she has come back to her as the “beautiful” friend that challenged her male dominated life. Similarly, while Dr. Jekyll may be overpowered by his monster, Hyde ultimately chooses to take his own life, implying that he feels a sense of shame and comprehends the moral consequences for the indulgences in his desires. On the surface Stevenson is saying that allowing the darker side of oneself to surface can only end in losing one’s civilised self, but underneath that he does not seem to condone repression either. The last sentence of Dr. Jekyll’s final note is: “I bring the life of that unhappy Henry Jekyll to an end.”[25] Stevenson employing the same literary tactic as Le Fanu, by ending the novel on an ambiguous note that queer readers could understand differently to heterosexual. Even in Rice’s novel, the source of much of Louis’ pain is his lack of self-acceptance and desperation to find a family in which he can belong to. The monster that haunts all of the characters in these novels is conformity and the expectation of repression of self to suit societal conventions. Through the monstrous body authors are given a channel through which to transgress boundaries and vicariously act out repressed desires, providing two moral lessons: confirmation for those wishes to conform, and reassurance of kinship for those who have found they cannot.

[1] Michael Foucault, History of Sexuality, trans. Robert Hurley, (New York: Pantheon Books, 1978), p. 54

[2] ibid, p. 43

[3] Max Fincher, Queering Gothic in the Romantic Age: The Penetrating Eye, (Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan, 2007), p. 69

[4] Fincher, Queering Gothic, p. 68

[5] Lucy Irigaray, ‘Commodities Among Themselves’ in This Sex Which is Not One, trans. By Catherine Porter, (New York: Cornell University Press, 1985), p. 196

[6] ibid, p. 194

[7] Sheridan Le Fanu, Carmilla, (iBook Ed.: Public domain, 1872), p. 102

[8] ibid, p. 34-35

[9] Eric Savoy, ‘The Rise of American Gothic’ in The Cambridge Companion to Gothic Fiction, (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2002), p. 198

[10] Jarlath Killeen, History of the Gothic: Gothic Literature 1825-1914, (Online: University of Wales Press, 2009), [accessed: 11 Jan 17]

[11] Savoy, Rise of American Gothic, p. 199

[12] Killeen, History of Gothic

[13] Bram Stoker, Dracula

[14] William Veeder, Children of The Night, p. 141

[15] Robert Louis Stevenson, Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, (1886), ed. by Martin Danahay, (Claremont: Broadview Press, 2015), p. 34

[16] Fincher, Queering Gothic, p. 69

[17] Carolyn Laubender, "The Baser Urge: Homosexual Desire In The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", 17, (2009), Paper 12, <h p://preserve.lehigh.edu/cas-lehighreview-vol-17/12> [accessed: 11 Jan 17], p. 25

[18] Lee Edelman, No Future: Queer Theory and the Death Drive, (Durham: Duke University Press, 2004), p. 2

[19] Laubender,”The Base Urge”, p. 23

[20] James R. Keller, Anne Rice and Sexual Politics: The Early Novels, (Jefferson: McFarland & Company, 2000), p. 13

[21] Ramsland Prism pp. 268-69  

[22] Tony Magistrale, Abject Terrors: Surveying the Modern and Postmodern Horror Film, (New York: Peter Lang Publishing, Inc. 2005), p. 44

[23] Keller, Anne Rice and Sexual Politics, p. 15-16

[24] Anne Rice, Interview with The Vampire, (London: Random House Publishing, 2010), p. 256

[25] Stevenson, Jekyll and Hyde, p. 83

[bvidzsoo]

Seeker

 Author: bvidzsoo

 Warnings: none

 Pairing: Byun Baekhyun x female reader

 Word count:  10, 127

 Summary:  You and Byun Baekhyun had known each other since the moment you were born. But a new year at Hogwarts brings new surprises. So what happens when Baekhyun becomes the new Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team and starts forgetting about you and your friendship?

 A/N: Hey! My Baekhyun one shot is here and omg it’s 3 am and I’m supposed to wake up at 5 am haha, don’t let this flop just because once again it’s long, enjoy now!

     Byun Baekhyun and I had known each other since the day we were born. Our parents grew up together and even live next to each other. It was destined for us to be friends and therefore, Byun Baekhyun is my best friend I never imagined I’d have. He’s amazing...he knows when to make me laugh, when to pull me away from a fight, when to save me from my boredom and the most important, he knows all my secrets...because best friends aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other. And because no one is perfect, there’s one major flaw Baekhyun seems to have...his huge pride. He might be nice and amazing but sometimes his mouth asks for a beating. He can gloat about himself for days and turn a blind eye to those around him, sometimes that person being me. He’s not uncaring, just too full of himself that he won’t see people need him too to listen. But knowing him for my whole life, I know when to tell him to stop and control him. 

Like right now, keeping a grip on his sleeve as we push our carts towards the big red train. It’s another year at Hogwarts, our fifth, and to my utter happiness, I was chosen to be a Prefect. I wasn’t expecting it, but at the same time I was. I’m one of the best students in our year so it shouldn’t have been a big surprise. Baekhyun knows already as I raced to their house to share the news with him the day I got the letter, but I decided to keep it as a surprise from our other friends.

“Yo, Baekhyun, hurry!” The deep voice of Park Chanyeol startled both of us as his head was stuck out the opened window, grinning widely towards us.

“Yes, you better hurry!” Baekhyun’s mother yelped, eyes cast at her Muggle wristwatch “The train leaves in five minutes!”

“That’s plenty of time for us to get on, mom” Baekhyun huffed as our luggage was transported onto the train, flying in the air before disappearing inside the train.

“Y/N” My father’s soft voice gained my attention as I turned to look at him, “You’ll have to spend another Christmas at Hogwarts, but do send us as many owls as you can. And your present will be in the Common Room before you can blink”

“That’s alright, dad” I smiled at my parents, a little sad that I had to part from them for so long, but then again...Hogwarts is just like my home.

“Have a good year, and don’t do anything unaccepted” Mom winked at me as I quickly hugged them both and rushed up onto the train as steam filled the air, the train ready to leave.

“They act like they won’t see us for years” Baekhyun huffed, gripping my hand as we made our way down the crowded corridors. 

“You know it’s because they love us, stop being like that” I squeezed his hand, getting an eye roll in response.

“I bet you’ll be a sappy parent too” An annoying grin graced Baekhyun’s pretty lips but before I could curse him, the compartment door to our right opened and there stood Chanyeol with Joy in toe.

“There are the lovers” Chanyeol gripped Baekhyun before pulling him inside, a huff leaving my lips.

“Seriously, will you stop calling us that?” I glared at Chanyeol while closing the door, “It’s been five years, seriously…”

“If he hasn’t stopped, do you think he will stop now?” Joy asked, her hands on her hips as a big smile appeared on my lips.

“Joy!” I exclaimed, pulling her into a tight hug.

“Y/N!” She shared my excitement as she patted my back, slightly towering over me with her height.

“So loud” Chanyeol muttered with a glare, taking a seat beside the window.

“You know…I haven’t missed you at all” I stuck my tongue out as I took my seat beside Chanyeol.

“Liar” He grinned back, pulling me into a side hug.

“I did not miss your loudmouth” I shrugged at him as he only chuckled and pulled out a little bag.

“And here I was waiting for you with a little surprise” Chanyeol faked a sigh as my eyes widened, eyeing the familiar bag.

“Are those--”

“German candies?” Joy shrieked, snatching the bag from Chanyeol’s hand, falling back onto the seat beside Baekhyun.

“And they are not for you” Chanyeol said with a glare, leaning forward to snatch the bag back, “I brought them for Y/N, if she wants to share them, she will”

I smiled brightly at Chanyeol before accepting the little present, giving him a grateful kiss on the cheek, “You are the best!”

“Hey!” Baekhyun exclaimed, pushing his round glasses up the bridge of his nose, as he threw Chanyeol a small glare.

“And that’s how you get someone else’s girl” He winked teasingly at Baekhyun before I nudged him with my elbow in the stomach. He whined as I shared my candy with Joy who wouldn’t stop giggling.

“How was summer?” Baekhyun asked after a big yawn, me sending a disgusted look at him as he didn’t bother to cover his mouth, “Mine was boring, the old same. Staying home, practicing Quidditch and sometimes going in town to those Muggles”

“Am I boring?” I scoffed, making Chanyeol chuckle.

“You kinda are” He whispered, earning a loud laugh from Baekhyun, to which I could only glare at.

“Anyways, my summer was nice, unlike Baekhyun’s” I threw him a sweet smile before looking at Chanyeol, “We went to France, it was really magical”

“I keep telling mom to take me there and she won’t” Joy grimaced as she popped a gummy bear in her mouth, “So I had to spend summer in Scotland with my grandparents, which was surprisingly fun. There’s a new boy in town, quite handsome as well”

“You find a boy every week, Joy” Chanyeol and Baekhyun chuckled, bumping their fists.

“This one is different” She hissed at the two annoying boys.

“You said that about Minseok last year too?” Chanyeol scratched his chin, grinning when Joy’s cheeks changed to a reddish color.

“Merlin curse both of you!” She snapped at the two amused boys before looking away, eyes on me only. I chuckled quietly, looking at Chanyeol as he cleared his throat.

“I traveled across Germany with my father once again and thought of your liking of these sweets, so yeah...I really didn’t do anything new” He shrugged and I smiled, offering him some candy.

“You know the Seeker of the team graduated last year?” Joy spoke up, turning to Baekhyun, “Are you going to tryout?”

“I was just about to tell you” Baekhyun smiled that charming smile, his glasses falling a little lower on his nose, “I’m pretty confident I will make it onto the team, I’ve been practicing for years now”

“He’s really good” I said nodding with a smile, Chanyeol humming beside me as he popped a chocolate frog in his mouth.

“Anyways, I have some news too” I stood up, pulling out my robe from my little purse, “Look!”

I pointed at my Prefect badge, Chanyeol’s eyes budging while Joy smiled brightly.

“I told you you’d make it!” She chuckled, happy for me “Congratulations”

“Oh no, I can’t tell you anymore when I want to prank someone” Chanyeol’s eyebrows furrowed as I chuckled, leaning closer to his ear.

“What others don’t know, can’t hurt them” I winked as I pulled away, a big grin forming on his lips. I pulled on the robe, smiling back at an already smiling Baekhyun.

“I’ll go to the Pefect’s compartment now, see you at Hogwarts!” I waved as I left my friends behind, feet padding quietly down the corridor in search for the Prefect’s compartment.

--

     After arriving at Hogwarts yesterday, we had the feast and I took care of my Prefect duties before joining Joy, Lisa, Yuna, Su in our dorm, sharing stories of our summers. In the morning, we got our schedule for the year before making our ways to class. We had Charms first, happy to know that I didn’t share only two classes with Baekhyun. Since we got to class a little earlier than usual, I dragged Baekhyun to the front and took our seast, Professor Flitwick sending us a smile.

“Hello, Professor” I greeted respectfully while Baekhyun lay his head on the desk, round glasses almost falling off.

“Hello, Miss Kang” The Professor greeted back, already blind to Baekhyun’s antics, “How was your summer?”

“Quite pleasant and yours?” Students started to fill the class and Flitwick rose to his feet.

“Very good, very good” He nodded, eyeing all the students. We were sharing class with the Ravenclaws, the Gryffindors happy to be out of attention range of Flitwick, if only it was that easy. The Professor rose to his stool, that made him taller, before welcoming everyone to another year at Hogwarts, telling us his expectations of us and our grades. More simply put, the same thing we’ve been hearing for five years now.

Cushions appeared on each desk as Flitwick grinned excitedly, “Today we’ll be revising the Banishing Charm, please, what is the incantations name again?”

Lot’s of hands shoot up in the aur, a victorious smile appearing on Flitwick’s lips. Baekhyun groaned beside me as I tried to raise my hand higher than the other straight backed sitting Ravenclaw’s. I nudged Baekhyun as he pulled the cushion and placed it underneath his head.

“Miss Kang?” Flitwick pointed his hand at me and I sat up straighter.

“It’s called Depulso, Professor” I answered steadily, Baekhyun nudging my leg underneath the table.

“Very well, ten points to Gryffindor” I smiled as the professor turned to the groans of Ravenclaw’s, as they weren’t chosen.

“No need to be sad, you’ll get the chance to earn some points too!” Flitwick was quick to exclaim as he brushed his hands together, “We’ll be practicing the spell for a little time to make sure everyone still remembers it before continuing with our lessons”

“Baekhyun, get up” I muttered as I picked up my wand, nudging his head softly.

“I know the spell, Y/N, let me sleep” He muttered back, voice muffled by his arm.

“You were supposed to sleep last night, I just earned us ten points, I suggest you do something productive so we don’t lose those points, Byun” I muttered sternly, making Baekhyun groan.

“You are giving me a headache, I swear on Merlin’s beard” 

“Merlin had no beard, get--” I gripped the edge of the cushion before yanking on it “Up!”

“Auch, Y/N, that hurt!” Baekhyun exclaimed, rubbing his temple and pushing his glasses up as the other students glanced at us.

“Ah, Mr. Byun, I see you decided to join us” Professor Flitwick said with a sarcastic smile.

“Yeah...I did” Baekhyun muttered with a grimace, pointing his wand at me.

“What are you doing?” I asked, slightly alarmed at his actions.

“I should just banish you instead, what do you think?” Baekhyun started grinning, leaning closer to me as my eyebrows furrowed.

“I do not agree with that at all” I answered warningly, pointing my wand at him as well. You never know when Baekhyun does something, he’s too sudden.

“I think I’d get us more house points” He kept on taunting, making me huff. I sharply pointed my wand at Baekhyun’s cushion, which was close to his elbow.

“Depulso!” The cushion flew off the table, joining the other cushions already on the floor. Baekhyun gaped at me as he looked at his elbow, thinking I’d direct the spell at him.

“Next time it really will be you” I warned, turning around as Flitwick made his way down from his tall stool, smiling at the students. Baekhyun huffed before sending my own cushion down on the floor, no words leaving his lips.

--

  I pulled my green coat tighter around me as the September breeze was colder and harsher than before.

“If I catch a cold because of you, Byun Baekhyun, you are spending your time with me in the infirmary” I warned as we made our way towards the Quidditch grounds.

“Not really, Madam Pomfrey will just give you one of her magic potions and you’ll be better than before” Baekhyun laughed, dressed in his Quidditch uniform, as I sent him a glare.

“I should be studying in the warm library for our O.W.L’s but here I am…” I muttered more to myself, but Baekhyun heard me nonetheless.

“Bloody hell, Y/N, it’s the first day of the semester and you want to study for the O.W.L’s already?” His eyes were wide as I just shrugged, gripping his arm before he could go falling to the ground, seeing he stumbled into a rock.

“And you will study with me, Baekhyun. You dragged me to your tryouts, I drag you to my study sessions” I let go of Baekhyun as he steadied himself, not missing his small smile. I was always more aware of our surroundings out of the two of us.

“Of course, love, anything for you” Baekhyun grinned before speeding up, leaving me with my mouth open and air stuck in my throat. Love? That’s a new one. I huffed before hurrying after him, going to the stands and taking a seat as the team and those who were here to try out gathered on the field.

Oliver Wood gave out instructions, letting out the Golden Snitch before all those who were trying out for the Seeker position rose into the air, Baekhyun’s eyes landing on me to wink before they were back on the cloudy sky. I smiled before hiding it behind my red scarf, taking my book from my purse, about Muggles, and starting to read as brooms whizzed past me.

--

     Baekhyun was ecstatic about the tryouts last night, telling everyone how he made it into the team for sure. I could only shake my head at him in the Common Room as he bragged to some boys from a year bellow, all paying attention to Baekhyun like their lives depended on it. And it only got worse in the morning when Wood pinned a parchment on the board, in the Common Room, with all the new members on the team, Byun Baekhyun having become the new Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. I was, of course, happy for him but I had to hear him brag to every single person, for my happiness to last for a long time.

The four tables in the Great Hall were filled with food for breakfast, the hall slowly filling with more and more students as it got closer for our first classes. Baekhyun was half sitting half standing beside me, the bench between his legs, as his hands gestured faster than his mouth was working.

“And then--you know how cloudy it was yesterday? The clouds were almost black! And the wind was really strong, once it almost knocked me off of my broom, but despite that I stayed up in the air, watching closely for the snitch!” I quietly munched on my toast as the audience around us clung onto Baekhyun’s words, eyes wide and heads nodding whenever Baekhyun asked them something rhetorical.

“And there were like four other people trying out for this position, not like they stood a chance against me, I’ve been training for this before I could even speak--anyways, there was a bolt of lightning far in the distance, lighting up the dark clouds and--” I choked on my pumpkin juice as Baekhyun’s wild hand smacked against my back, startling me. I started coughing loudly as all eyes fell on me, Baekhyun fell onto his butt finally sitting down properly, worried eyes on me as he leaned closer.

“Y/N, bloody hell, Y/N don’t die on me!” He started panicking as I tried to breathe as much air in as I could, my nostrils burning a little, “Are you dying?!”

“Shut up” I croaked out as I finally stopped coughing, picking up the glass of pumpkin juice and taking a small and careful sip.

“She didn’t die” Baekhyun chuckled, patting my head before turning back to his impatient audience, students of all years gathered around us by now. I made eye contact with Joy from across the table, who’s eyebrows were furrowed as a blond haired girl kept on leaning over her, hair dangling onto Joy’s plate. Chanyeol was listening closely to Baekhyun’s words, even if he heard it already many times.

“So the bolt of lightning hit, right? And then I saw a flash of gold beside a guy who was trying out for the Seeker position, he didn’t even hear the Snitch beside him and he wanted the position?” Baekhyun laughed amused, shaking his head as his audience followed him with laughter, “And I flew, knocked the guy off his broom of course, and caught the Snitch. And it only took an hour, Merlin, just one hour!”

The audience ‘awed’ as Baekhyun stood again with a proud grin, his eyes falling on me as I raised my eyebrows at him, “Ask Y/N if my story is true? She’s been there for the whole tryouts, she’s seen it all”

Once again the eyes of his slowly becoming fans were on me and I put on a sweet but fake smile, “He’s not lying. I did see everything, the team is for sure going to win this year”

Baekhyun’s audience cheered, disturbing the other students around us, but the blond haired girl’s eyes seemed to stay on me for longer before Joy glared up at her and pushed her back, the girl huffing at her. Baekhyun suddenly stood up, gathering his books as I eyed him suspiciously, gripping his wrist before he could bolt.

“Baekhyun--”

“Be quick, love, the boys are waiting for me” Joy’s eyes widened as Chanyeol snorted into his pumpkin juice, my eyes narrowing at him.

“You promised to study with me, it’s today. Meet me after your last class in the library, okay?” Baekhyun smiled at me sweetly as I reluctantly let go of his arm, not before calling out for him again, “Baekhyun!”

“Fine, I promise!” He widened his eyes at me before running off to the other end of the table, bumping his fist with a few boys from the Quidditch team.

“He barely made it into the team and he already has fans?” Joy scoffed as she eyed her plate with disgust, “I think I’m finished, wouldn’t want to eat some blonde hair too”

Chanyeol and I chuckled as I turned my head to gaze at Baekhyun before I departed for my first class for today, one I don’t share with Baekhyun, Herbology.

--

  My classes were over for today and I walked to the library alone, having lost Baekhyun in the mass of students eager to go back to their dorms and relax a bit. I pushed open the doors of the library, making sure I was quiet, and nodded at Madam Pince who usually wore a glare but always offered me a small smile. I walked over to my usual seat, by the window, and slowly unpacked my Potions and Arithmancy books, opening the parchment with my homework. Knowing that Baekhyun is usually late, I started first with the Potions homework, knowing he’d definitely need help in Arithmancy, as it is not his forte. After a few minutes of me writing my homework, there was some movement from the other end of the table and I looked up, thinking it was Baekhyun, but I was surprised to see a Ravenclaw boy. Kim Junmyeon. He offered me a smile and walked closer, leaning down to whisper, “Do you mind if I sit by?”

“Of course not” I smiled back and Junmyeon thanked me before going back to his bag and taking a seat, at the end of the table. I looked down at my parchment, a little embarrassed, always having found Junmyeon quite handsome. And his intelligence only made him more attractive. 

And getting lost in solving my homework, I once again lost track of time, but I did not miss Baekhyun’s absence. He never missed out on something he promised to do. I felt a pang in my heart, something I never experienced before. He promised, Baekhyun never breaks his promises to me. Deciding he wouldn’t show up, since he didn’t even bother to until now, with the moon shining, I made my way back to the Gryffindor Common Room, soon having to attend my Prefect duties.

--

     The days seemed to pass faster than I could blink, and soon, we found ourselves at the first Quidditch match of the year, Gryffindor against Ravenclaw. Baekhyun had been speaking about it for the whole week, always being either too busy with practice or too tired for him to spend time with me like we used to earlier. But I tried to understand him, it’s not like we were tied to each other, we both had our sepparate lives and it was okay to have a little space from time to time. Except, this time, it felt like a bad kind of space.

“I’m excited, Baekhyun had been bragging so much about himself…” Joy shouted over the loud voice, “I want to see him playing”

“Oh, he’s good, I’ve been to a few practices” Chanyeol grinned, raising the banner for Baekhyun high up in the air. It was Baekhyun’s name, colored in Gryffindor colors, and a broom that was charmed to move.

“Really?” I asked confused as my eyes found Chanyeol’s, “He told me no one from the outside is allowed to practices”

“Oh that’s weird...last week the Hufflepuff team was there too...and Baekhyun’s little fan club too” My eyebrows furrowed at Chanyeol’s words as Joy turned to look at him as well.

“Fan club? Baekhyun has a fan club already?” She asked confused, eyebrows furrowing.

“Yeah, he is pretty famous” Chanyeol shrugged as Madam Hooch made her way onto the field, whistle raised to her mouth as the two teams, Ravenclaw and Gryffindor made their way onto the field. The captains shook hands before the whistle was blown, both teams pushing off, flying up in the air. The audience started cheering loudly, each for their supported house as Kim Jongin, a Hufflepuff and the announcer, spoke into the microphone. 

For the first few minutes, it was like a cat and mouse game, both teams trying to score while the Gryffindors were sending their bludgers mercilessly at the Ravenclaw’s, who’s defence was better than last year. The Golden Snitch was nowhere to be seen as Angelina scored for the Gryffindors, the supporters going wild. Joy’s shrill voice didn’t do good to my ears as I preferred to cheer more calmly while keeping an eye on Chanyeol, who was jumping up and down with the banner in his hands. The game went on like that, Do Kyungsoo, a Ravenclaw, was almost smashed into a scoring goal while trying to avoid a bludger.

“And there she is! Kang Seulgi--Ten points to Gryffindor!” Kim Jongin’s voice disappeared by the loud roar of the Gryffindor’s as Seulgi scored once again for Gryffindor.

“We are so beating everyone this year!” Chanyeol exclaimed excitedly, those who heard him cheering even louder.

“Wait until they find the Snitch” I chuckled, eyes landing on Baekhyun who was focused, eyes searching as he was waiting for the Snitch to appear. I smiled as I joined the others cheering loudly for the new Seeker, excited for my friend. It was always his dream to join the Quidditch team, I couldn’t help it but feel proud of him.

“There goes Kim--oh. Oh! Byun Baekhyun! He’s suddenly started moving and--Alec Gregorovics is going too! The Snitch, they had seen the Golden Snitch! Now it’s only a matter of time until one of them catches it and--” Everyone held their breaths as Baekhyun and Alec raced broom to broom after the Snitch, Alec trying to push Baekhyun off a few times, trying to gain an advantage. But Baekhyun started suddenly diving towards the ground and I stood up, hands clenched together.

“What is he doing?” I asked, voice coming out panicked as I watched Baekhyun speeding closer and closer to the ground.

“Catching the Snitch!” Chanyeol’s voice came out squeaky as he was barely able to contain himself.

“Byun Baekhyun has caught the Golden Snitch!” Kim Jongin hollered into his microphone as Baekhyun took a sharp turn, hand raised as he raised back steadily, “Gryffindor wins the first match of the year!”

The audience cheered loudly as I smiled widely, clapping for Baekhyun as a big smile adorned his lips, flying around on his broom, showing off his victory. I chuckled when he winked at a group of girls and loud squeals erupted in the stands. 

“Well, I gotta run!” Chanyeol exclaimed, pushing his banner in Joy’s hands, “I have to set up the Common Room”

“For?” I asked as Joy and I stood up, watching Chanyeol as he clumsily almost fell.

“We are celebrating tonight!”

--

  And that we indeed were doing. The Common Room was filled with Gryffindor’s of all ages, those of legal age drinking some punch while the others limited themselves at the pumpkin juice. I sat quietly in front of the fire, watching the others as they danced around, currently waiting for Joy to come back with some snacks. Baekhyun was nowhere to be seen yet, having probably not returned from the Quidditch grounds. Half of the team was here although already, celebrating their victory.

“Here” Joy smiled as she joined me, handing me some sandwich.

“I thought you were bringing snacks?” I asked with a chuckle as I eyed the sandwich.

“I got hungry upon seeing the food so...we aren’t eating snacks anymore” She shrugged as she took a big bite of her sandwich, making me laugh. The door opened and in came Baekhyun, being carried on Chanyeol and Yuto’s shoulders as everyone started cheering and clapping loudly. I grinned standing up, pushing the sandwich into Joy’s hands making her smile at me, before taking off towards Baekhyun. He was laughing, his round glasses close to falling off his nose, Chanyeol still clinging to his shoulder, even after putting him down, as he spoke to some sixth years.

“Baekhyun!” I called with a smile, Baekhyun’s head turning sharply in my direction. A big smile graced his lips as I walked closer to him.

“I told you, didn’t I?” He asked me smugly, opening his arms. I chuckled before running up to him and hugging him, his warmth enveloping my whole being. If someone asked me where my favorite place was on Earth, I’d have to say it’s in Baekhyun’s arms.

“I knew you’d win for us, Baekhyun” I chuckled, whining a little when he squeezed me too hard.

“That’s expected from you, considering you are my best friend” His eyebrows were playfully furrowed as I pulled away from the warm embrace, narrowing my eyes at him.

“That show off dive was unnecessary, you could have collided with the ground!” I exclaimed, taking the effort and pushing up his glasses for him, which were about to fall any minute.

“I had it calculated, don’t worry” He chuckled, winking at me.

“Well, I guess you can bask in your glory tonight” I shrugged, looking around as Baekhyun smirked, leaning a little closer.

“If you don’t mind love, there’s someone looking for me right now, see you around” He winked at me before taking off, leaving me alone staring after him. I tried not to feel hurt or like someone stepped on my heart when I saw Baekhyun heading towards the blond haired girl that we saw in the Great Hall. Convincing myself that it was just some childish feeling, afraid that I’d lose my friend, of course, I forced a smile on my lips before joining Chanyeol and his tall friends.

--

     I was never expecting Baekhyun to stop his bragging after winning the match, but what I truly wasn’t expecting was the masses of girls that seemed to come up to me and ask me what Baekhyun’s favorite color was or what his favorite meal was or where he liked to spend his time and the list goes on. However, what really did it was on a Wednesday morning when I was walking to the Great Hall alone, Joy already left with Su, and half asleep, when black and green robe flashed in front of me and I accidentally collided with a smaller body than mine.

“Watch it, Kang” The feminine voice hissed at me and I narrowed my eyes in the dim light of the hall as I gazed at the girl. Dark brown hair, honey eyes, fair skin and a funny accent...this must be a Zhang.

“You blocked my way, Zhang” I told the girl in front of me lazily as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“Anyways...Where’s your friend?”

“Which one?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Byun, of course” Zhang huffed and my jaw clenched.

“Listen, I don’t mean to come off rude or anything...but I’m not answering if you want to ask about Baekhyun, go and ask him yourself, okay?” My voice came out harsher than I was intending to.

“Oh, look at that…” Zhang snarled, eyes glaring at me, “The little best friend is jealous now? Took you long enough to realize you’ll never have Byun for yourself”

“Excuse you?” I asked offended, hoping she wasn’t implying what she was implying.

“You’ll always be” She stepped closer, trying to intimidate me, “the best friend”

I chuckled as she glared at me for another second before turning around and storming off. Nope, I’m definitely not doing this anymore. Whoever wants to find out something about Baekhyun can either ask him or Chanyeol or even Joy.

My mood was worse than usually as I entered the Great Hall, I even succeeded in knocking someone off their feet.

“Merlin, I’m so sorry!” I panicked as my eyes fell on the Ravenclaw boy on the floor, those having seen us now laughing, “I wasn’t looking--”

“It’s my fault, don’t worry” Junmyeon chuckled as he looked up at me with a handsome grin, “I should have made sure no one would enter while I stop in front of the door”

I chuckled, extending a hand for Junmyeon to help him up. He took it with a grateful smile, his hand smooth and warm, making me blush as he gripped mine firmly and rose to his feet.

“I hope next time I won’t be the one knocking you over” Junmyeon winked at me as he let go of my hand, a laugh leaving my lips.

“Yes, let’s hope our next meeting will be more peaceful” Junmyeon showed me his charming smile once again before walking off, leaving me with a small blush. I quickly hurried to the Gryffindor table, taking my usual seat.

“What was that?” Joy nudged me teasingly, lips in a mischievious grin.

“Don’t” I snapped, back to my bad mood. I’m still pissed at Baekhyun. His fangirls won’t let me live. 

“While coming here the Zhang girl stopped me and--”

“Lea Zhang?” Joy asked with her eyebrows raised, “Yixing’s twin sister?”

“Yixing?” My eyebrows furrowed as Joy chuckled, shaking her head.

“Yeah, Lay’s real name...you didn’t think his name was actually Lay?” Joy laughed as I narrowed my eyes at my toast, genuinely thinking Lay was his real name.

“That’s...not important right now!” I exclaimed, looking back at Joy pissed, “Lea stopped me just to ask me about Baekhyun, I swear on Merlin’s name if one more girl comes up to me and--”

“She asked you what?” Joy cut me off bluntly, a sleepy and messy haired Chanyeol making his way towards us.

“I don’t know, Joy” I rolled my eyes, looking around the table. Where is Baekhyun? He was supposed to come with Chanyeol. But once my eyes fell on the other end of the table, they fell on the boy I was looking for. Right, why am I even surprised? Baekhyun won’t even sit with us now that’s he’s always hanging out with his Quidditch teammates.

“How can you not know?” Joy scoffed, returning me to our conversation.

“Morning girls” Chanyeol muttered with his raspy morning voice, sitting a little bit too hard down, knees smacking against the table.

“Morning” Joy quickly said before turning back to me expectantly.

“I stopped her before she could ask me” I shrugged at Joy as she rolled her eyes.

“Where’s Baekhyun?” Chanyeol’s narrowed eyes turned towards us as he stopped mid-bite. Joy sighed, pointing to where I looked a few seconds before, making Chanyeol sigh.

“Why?” Joy snapped, referring to our previous conversation about Lea.

“I swear on Merlin’s beard…” Chanyeol mumbled with a big sigh, “Ever since Baekhyun made it onto the team...he won’t even have breakfast with us anymore. I’m lucky if I get to say goodnight or good morning to him…”

“Suck it up, Chanyeol” Joy snapped, becoming irritated with our giant’s constant interruption of our conversation. Chanyeol pouted as I smiled at him sadly, understanding his pain.

“Before you throw a fit, Joy, I didn’t let Lea ask me anything about Baekhyun because I’m fed up with all the girls constantly asking me about him. What am I? His diary?!” I snapped, throwing my toast angrily back on my plate.

“Well, you could make connections nonetheless--”

“Morning guys” Baekhyun’s melodic voice interrupted our thoughts. Chanyeol’s head whipped up at the speed of lightning as he grinned at Baekhyun with his mouth full of food. I continued staring at my food, still angry at him even though it’s not exactly his fault.

“Morning” Joy greeted him back with a small smile before going back to her opened Charm’s book. I felt movement beside me before a warm breath was blown on my exposed neck.

“You won’t even greet me anymore, love?” Baekhyun’s low voice sent shivers down my neck before I turned towards him.

“Morning, Baekhyun” I greeted back seriously, his lips forming a small pout. I almost scooted away at the close proximity, always feeling a little uncomfortable if he came too close.

“Are you mad at me?” He asked, eyebrows furrowing as he searched my eyes.

“No, of course not” I huffed, shaking my head. A small smile appeared on his lips as he nodded.

“See you in class” I was taken aback when he kissed my temple, leaving me with a strangely quickly beating heart. I swear on Merlin’s name, my body has been acting weird ever since we returned to Hogwarts. But I will forgive him for sitting with me in class.

--

  My good mood came crashing down when I walked into Defense Against the Dark Arts class and saw Baekhyun sitting at the front, at our seats, with a blonde haired girl. The same girl from the party and the same girl who was so interested when Baekhyun was telling his story. Anne Kim. I don’t like her.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my sudden anger, looking for another seat. How amazing, we had to have this class with Slytherin’s as well...I swear, Merlin wants me dead today. Spotting an empty seat on the left side of the room, the Slytherin’s side, just beside the seat I used to share with Baekhyun, I tried not to stomp down the little path between the desks as I made my way towards the empty seat. I failed in not stomping, however, as heads turned towards me curiously even Baekhyun’s when I slammed my books on the desk a little too harshly. The Slytherin boy looked at me amused while Baekhyun confused, as I took my seat.

“If that isn’t Kang Y/N” The Slytherin boy chuckled beside me, turning his body towards me in his seat.

“Yeah, it’s me” I muttered, jaw clenched as I could still feel Baekhyun’s eyes on me but I refused to look at him.

“Well, I’m sure I haven’t introduced myself properly before but I think you know who I am--”

“Yes, Zhang, I know who you are” I snapped, turning towards the boy who was smirking at me. Lay Zhang or Yixing Zhang, whatever.

“Oh no, calling me Zhang is quite--dangerous” He chuckled as I rolled my eyes, turning back to the front, praying for the professor to enter the classroom already.

“Problems in paradise, darling?” Yixing asked in a sing-song voice making my eyebrows furrow.

“What do you mean?” I asked while glancing at him.

“I hear things had been a little rough with lover boy over there” I followed the direction of Yixing’s head nod, my eyes falling on Baekhyun. I clenched my jaw once again as I saw the blond girl leaning closer to Baekhyun as he laughed at something she probably said...or he said since he’s a narcissistic bitch. 

“Things are just fine, thank you” I said while sniffing aggressively. A cute laugh left Yixing’s lips, attracting unnecessary attention, as he leaned closer to me.

“Is that jealousy I see, Kang?” I bit my lower lip while glaring ahead, stopping myself from answering back.

“Oh it’s something else, perhaps...a little crush on lover boy--”

“I swear on Merlin’s name, Zhang, if you don’t shut it...I will hex you!” I snapped lowly, turning towards Yixing with a hard glare. He laughed again and raised his hands in a surrendering way before turning to the front as if nothing happened. Little crush on Baekhyun? Yeah, right…

--

     Weeks passed, the weather changed into a colder one and soon we were nearing the middle of October. Days at Hogwarts seemed to pass slowly yet they passed quicker than when I was at home in summer vacation. My days were harsher and lonelier. After sitting with Yixing in DADA class Baekhyun seemed to forget about me. At first, I was confused, I tried spending time with him but he always seemed to be busy with Quidditch or some mysterious reason he didn’t want to share with me. Then after a while he stopped talking to me and started avoiding me like I was the plague, I saw him spending more time with the blond girl, Anna Kim. And the final stage that broke me was when he stopped greeting me altogether, acting like I didn’t exist when I was around. It was as if all those years vanished, like we were never friends, to begin with. It hurt me, a lot, because he was the only person I could really rely on. Joy and Chanyeol were amazing friends, but they weren’t Baekhyun. And in my sorrow, trying to get over the loss of an amazing friend, I found myself spending more and more time at the library with a certain Ravenclaw. Junmyeon was friendly, he paid close attention to details, never broke off my sentences, he was calm and waited patiently for me when I was explaining something, he was organized and neat…and the total opposite of Baekhyun. And as Friday was approaching, so was the Hogsmeade trip. I was surprised when Junmyeon asked me out on a date but I didn’t see why I shouldn’t say no, so therefore I agreed.

We were in DADA class, our last for today, and everyone was excited as we were duelling today. We had class with the Hufflepuff’s but our professor teamed up those who he thought were on the same duelling level. I was excitedly waiting in line, the desks and chairs having been pushed to the back of the class for more space, as the professor called out our names.

“Park Chanyeol and Park Chaeyoung” Chanyeol grinned as he walked over to the fellow Hufflepuff girl who sent him a small glare.

“Park Sooyoung--”

“It’s Joy, Professor” Joy cut the professor off rudely, earning a warning glare before he continued.

“Park Sooyoung and Kim Jisoo” Joy and Jisoo grinned at each other, Jisoo being a Gryffindor as well, as they walked over to a spot they chose.

“Byun Baekhyun and Kang Y/N” For a second I thought Baekhyun would be paired with Seulgi, sharing the same surname, but I was surprised to hear my own name. I gulped as Joy and Chanyeol watched me warily walk to the middle of the classroom, Baekhyun’s eyebrows slightly furrowed as he stood across from me. I refused to look at him as I twirled my wand around in my hands, his eyes on me tempting me to send a glare at Baekhyun for his insistence. He really expects me to act all friendly after a whole month of not even speaking to each other? Oh no, I will show him today what he deserves for the way he acted towards me.

“Okay class, I chose two students for today do to a demonstration for us before everyone starts. It was a random choice, I found most interesting I must be honest, so...Miss Kang and Mr. Byun, you may start with a small demonstration” The professor offered us an excited smile and I looked at him with one of mine, just more evil.

“How much time do we have?”

“As long as you take, but not more than ten minutes, please” He smiled delighted at us and I nodded, looking back at Baekhyun with an evil grin. He gulped uneassily, getting his wand out. We bowed at each other, making eye contact as I quickly racked my brain for all the spells that could be used in dueling. 

Before Baekhyun could even open his mouth to throw a spell at me, I was already shouting, “Everte Statum”, Baekhyun being sent flying back as it took him by surprise. The class gasped as I gripped my wand tighter, Baekhyun’s eyes narrowing at me as he raised to his feet, pushing his glasses back.

“Stupefy” But I was expecting it, knowing Baekhyun too well, and I blocked the spell already shouting my own one.

“Aqua Eructo” Water shot out from the tip of my wand, bending to how I controlled it, heading towards Baekhyun quickly but he was quick to dodge the water.

“Incarcerous!” Baekhyun shouted, voice coming out stronger but his form faltered for a second, when my own spell met his halfway.

“Relashio!” I grinned at Baekhyun as he seemed lost, probably forgetting what other spells could be used in duelling. That’s what he gets for avoiding me and not studying with me. I took my chance for a revenge, standing confidently, wand pointed at him.

“Oppugno! Avis!” Green birds were heading towards Baekhyun, attacking him as he tried shielding his head from the sharp beak of my birds.

“Incarcerous!” The birds disappeared as ropes shoot out from my wand, wrapping themselves around Baekhyun’s legs and with a yank, binding his body together. His eyes snapped at me but I wasn’t done yet.

“Stupefy!” He was sent flying back and I watched as he hit the ground with a big thud. The class gasped as Baekhyun groaned loudly, the professor’s mouth opening, but I wasn’t done just yet.

“Expelliarmus!” It was my final and killer spell, Baekhyun’s wand flying from his hand to the ground in front of my feet. I grinned and turned towards the professor who was watching us stunned.

“I believe that was bellow five minutes, professor” I showed a fake smile before walking to the end of the line, the professor clearing his throat.

“Yes, very good, spectacular in fact. I haven’t seen such duel in quite a while...Thirty points to Gryffindor” I smiled as Joy nudged my side, mouthing a ‘I thought you’ll kill him’, making me chuckle. Yes, I did kill something...and that was his pride as we watched Baekhyun get up and snatch his wand with a glare towards me. 

--

  The class took an end and I felt butterflies erupting in my stomach as I thought about my date with Junmyeon approaching quickly. He didn’t tell me where we’d go but I do have an idea, not too fond of it. But as long as we have a good time, the place won’t matter. Making my way out of class, Joy and I laughed as we discussed what I should wear.

“Y/N!” A male voice called out, not as deep as Chanyeol’s. I almost stopped but furrowed my eyebrows and kept on walking.

“Y/N!” Baekhyun called out again, pushing his way through the mass of students as I sped up, Joy walking behind me.

“You won’t speak to him?” Joy asked quietly, making me shake my head.

“I have nothing to speak with him” I snapped, feeling hurt that I had to hurt his pride in order for Baekhyun to speak to me.

“Y/N--”

“Don’t touch me!” I snapped, yanking my arm out of Baekhyun’s grip. His mouth fell open as he gapped at my aggressive response to him, never done something like this before.

“I--”

“I don’t have time right now” I interrupted him with a glare, Baekhyun gulping as he pushed his glasses further up his nose.

“Listen, I just wanted to speak with--”

“I have a date in a few hours, Baekhyun, I have to get ready” I flashed him a fake smile as Joy watched us with furrowed eyebrows, glancing at me uneasily.

“A date?!” Baekhyun gaped, mouth once again falling open.

“What? You thought only you could go on dates?” I chuckled before turning around and walking away with Joy who was furiously whispering about Baekhyun’s weird behavior. That’s no weird behavior, he probably just wanted to tell me how much I hurt his pride and how it’s unacceptable.

--

After getting ready for the trip to Hogsmeade and leaving with the rest of the students, Junmyeon was quick to find me and my hand in his, swinging it back and forth. I giggled at his antics but found it weird. I wasn’t sure about my feelings for him. Sure, he’s handsome and smart and I have a small crush on him...but it doesn’t go beyond that and it concerns me that if I tell him this I will break his heart.

My fears became true when Junmyeon stopped in front of Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop, grinning down at me.

“Are you ready?” He asked with an excited voice and I could muster up a small smile and a hum. Junmyeon pushed open the door for me like a real gentleman, unlike Baekhyun who would have walked in first and wouldn’t have bothered to keep the door for me as well. Once inside, the sight of couples at every table made me a little sick...plus the all pink room. Everything was pink, making me quite uncomfortable, as the tables were round and twinkling bell that signaled a new customer didn’t help either.

“What would you like to drink?” Junmyeon asked with his eyebrows furrowed as he surveyed the place.

“Coffee will be alright” I offered him a smile as he pointed at a pink table more towards to the middle of the room.

“That’s our table, go and sit while I buy our drinks” I nodded quietly and quickly walked to our table, mentally preparing myself for what was to come. First of all, I had to give time for my eyes to adjust to all the pink in this room and pray that I won’t have nightmares of pink. Since there was no long line, Junmyeon was quickly back with our drinks, him having chosen tea.

“Lovely place, isn’t it?” He asked with a grin while sitting down.

“Thank you” I muttered as he handed me my coffee, I took a small sip.

“A little bit too...pink for my liking” I answered as kindly as I could.

“Ah yes, that’s a bit off throwing but the good side is that everyone in here is either a couple or close to become a couple so...you don’t have to be shy about anything” Junmyeon enthusiased about this place more and I could only chuckle, praying we’d leave as soon as we finish our drinks.

“Snogging so openly makes me quite uncomfortable” I muttered, eyes going to the table on our left...then to the table from the window, the one beside it and then the other beside it...I think you get the idea, “Especially when so many are doing it”

Junmyeon laughed at my words as he sipped on his tea, sitting up straighter, “Well, ignorance is bliss...So just try ignoring them”

“It’s not me who ignores people usually” I muttered with a grimace, my thoughts taking me to Baekhyun.

“I know I never asked, mostly because I didn’t want to seem like I was prying, but I haven’t seen you around Byun Baekhyun lately...Anything happened?” Junmyeon asked in a curious, inoffensive manner. I sighed as I placed a hand on the table and started playing with the little spoon placed in a china plate.

“He apparently doesn’t have any time for me anymore, with Quidditch and all...fifteen years of friendship gone to waste, I--” I bit my lower lip, stopping the sudden tears. I never really said it out loud before, refusing to believe such thing...but it is real. Fifteen years of friendship gone to waste because Baekhyun couldn’t put his big pride aside.

“That’s a lot of years” Junmyeon muttered stunned, eyes a little wide, “Well, to be honest, it’s Baekhyun’s loss. Leaving such a beautiful and nice girl like you...I’d never”

I chuckled as I looked away, feeling my cheeks heating up. However, I thankfully controlled my reaction before giving it away, but I wanted to stand up and run away the second I saw Byun Baekhyun and Anna Kim sitting three tables away from us. Anna was sitting closer to Baekhyun, almost on him actually, and Baekhyun was telling a story that seemed to be unfinished as his eyes found mine. I gulped, quickly looking away from them, wishing I never saw them.

“Something wrong?” Junmyeon asked concerned, probably seeing it from my reaction, as he was about to turn around. I quickly leaned over and gripped his hands that were resting on the table and smiled.

“No, nothing, don’t worry” I chuckled, removing my hands from his embarrassed.

“Well then…” He cleared his throat, looking suspicious, “What are your plans for this Christmas?”

“Oh, the same old” I shrugged, playing around with my coffee, “I’m staying here at Hogwarts”

“Really?” Junmyeon exclaimed, face lighting up, “Me too!”

“Oh, I haven’t seen you around in previous years” I said with a smile, eyebrows slightly furrowed.

“Yes, I go home each year but my parents won’t be home this time and I don’t want to spend it with my grandparents, they are horrible” Junmyeon shuddered and I chuckled, “You spend it here always?”

“Yes, my parents work at St. Mungos and their shift won’t end until the third day of Christmas” I explained sadly “So therefore it’s better to stay here with friends rather than leave and be home alone”

“I see” Junmyeon nodded, a thoughtful look crossing his face, “We can spend it together this year!”

“Definitely” I nodded with a grin, sipping on my coffee when there was movement from the table where Baekhyun sat at. Junmyeon just gulped down his tea when Baekhyun and Anna stopped at our table, Anna smiling sickly at me.

“Hey” Baekhyun greeted, eyes falling on me after he sent a glare at Junmyeon.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you” Junmyeon offered a polite smile at the two students, Anna returning one while Baekhyun ignored him.

“Come on, Baekie, we have to go now” Anna pouted, latching onto Baekhyun’s biceps. I looked at Junmyeon with a raised eyebrow as he contained his laughter.

“Yeah, let’s go” He muttered lowly, sending a glare my way before basically dragging Anna out of the Tea Shop.

“Baekie” Junmyeon repeated, laughter erupting from both of us. Well Baekie, seems like you got yourself some stupid witch.

--

     Time passed and here we were, nearing Christmas quicker than ever. In fact, Christmas was just today. Joy and Chanyeol left three days ago, leaving me alone. Well, not completely alone as Junmyeon would stay and from our dorm Lisa stayed behind too. I spent my time with Lisa usually, going on strolls around the castle if it wasn’t too cold or with Junmyeon in the library reading or outside playing in the snow. Junmyeon and I agreed that even if there was a small attraction between us, we wouldn’t work out, so therefore we became good friends. He was there when I felt alone and I was there when he needed a study buddy. All was going well as we had breakfast in the Great Hall, me deciding to sit at the Ravenclaw table seeing there were few students, the meal being more delicious than ever.

“I could eat this food all day, if only we had this always…” Junmyeon muttered as he eyed his chicken, making me giggle.

“Yeah, they are pretty good but they still don’t top the homemade food” I muttered while sipping from the pumpkin juice.

“My grandma makes the best pancakes!” Junmyeon said quietly, staring at his food as if he was remembering the taste of pancakes. Junmyeon comes from a Muggle family, the reason why he stayed back, he told me later, is because his grandparents aren’t fond of magic and always take his wand away when he spends time with them...and thanks to that, Junmyeon already learned wandless magic, of course not as powerful like with a wand, but just so he could annoy his grandparents.

“I would love to taste those pancakes one day” I muttered dreamily, wondering what they taste like.

“Yes!” Junmyeon nodded eagerly, looking at me with wide eyed “You must come over this summer! Bloody hell, you are a Pureblood, probably not knowing what half of the Muggle things are...imagine my grandparent's frustration with you! Fantastic!” 

I laughed as Junmyeon went on ranting about his grandparents and everything we could do to frustrate them. So it was set, I would visit Junmyeon and his grandparents in the summer vacation, staying over for a week.

--

After breakfast both Junmyeon and I retreated back to our Common Room, Junmyeon wanting to share the news with his grandparents while I wished to read. Of course, we did not forget to gift each other and Junmyeon brought a cute scarf with the Gryffindor colors but with a small Raven in the left corner. I bought him a book he said he didn’t have but wanted to read, called Hamlet from a Shakespeare called man. I should read it too once he finishes it.

The Common Room was quiet and vacant, a rare sight for the Gryffindor Common Room, the one that always held so much chaos. Curled up in front of the fire on the sofa, with the book on my knees, I read quietly, feeling a little lonely. I wish Joy would have stayed with me this year or...I wish Baekhyun and I would be still friends. Then I wouldn’t be sitting here, reading, and bored. 

There were loud thuds of footsteps as someone made their way down the stairs from the boy dormitory. I didn’t bother looking who it was, as I’m not really interested in what’s happening around me. I couldn’t help but look though when the sofa dipped beside me and someone sat, a little too close for my liking. Baekhyun’s anything but innocent eyes were watching me, eyes falling on the book. He stayed quiet as I closed my book and rose to my feet, wanting to leave.

“Merry Christmas!” He said, almost shyly, as I froze. I couldn’t believe my ears. So after months of ignoring my whole existence, he finally speaks to me.

“Seriously, Baekhyun?” I scoffed as I gripped my book tighter, wanting to keep the words back but not succeeding, “After months of ignoring me and avoiding me like I’m the plague...you come and just casually tell me, Merry Christmas?”

Turning to him angrily, I watched as he rose to his feet, hands behind his back, “I know I--”

“You know nothing, Baekhyun!” I exclaimed, all the pent up feelings surfacing, “You started ignoring me out of nowhere, without an explanation! We’ve been friends for fifteen years Baekhyun and then you just break off all contact you have with me? Do you know how that felt?! It felt like someone ripped my heart out and broke it in two and then threw it on the ground and stepped on it thousands of times to make sure it hurt more each time! But you have time to spend time with-with Anna Kim?! That stupid witch who runs after every boy's wand as if they are toys! Is that how much I mattered to you Baekhyun? I can’t believe I wasted my time and feelings on a narcissistic, prideful bitch like you!”

Baekhyun’s eyebrows were furrowed as he stared at the ground, glasses dangerously close to falling off once again. My hand itched to push it back for him but I mentally scolded myself. Get over it, Y/N, you are no longer friends.

“You...called me a bitch?” Baekhyun looked up at me, pushing his glasses back and running a hand through his messy hair.

I scoffed, my glare deepening, “Is that all you heard?”

“No, of course not!” He exclaimed, stepping closer to me, “Listen, I’m very sorry for everything. I know you probably won’t forgive me for another half a year but I need to tell you for once. I was caught up with Quidditch, I really was. I barely had time to study because I was pushing myself to become better, you know my dream is to become a Seeker. I have to do everything I can to become noticed by big teams. I barely had time for myself let alone for you! And Chanyeol, didn’t he tell you the messages I kept sending through him?”

My eyebrows furrowed as I took a moment to think, “No, he never told me anything”

“That stupid giant” Baekhyun rolled his eyes, looking pleadingly back at me, “I swear on Merlin’s beard! I asked him daily to update you about what was happening with me! I thought you started ignoring me because--because I wasn’t a good friend to you anymore! It had me worried and then Anna started showing up everywhere and she wouldn’t leave me alone for a second. She followed me even to the men’s bathroom! And I promised to go on a date with her if she left me alone after...but that date turned into more and now she thinks we are dating…”

“But you are not?” I asked curiously, hopeful.

“What? No! Of course not!” Baekhyun shook his head with a shudder. I sighed, biting my lip as I continued looking at him. I missed this idiot so much.

“I forgive you just--please don’t ignore me from now on. Even if you are busy, make time to tell me ‘Oh hey, Y/N, I’m probably dying but don’t worry, see you tomorrow at breakfast’, okay?” A grin broke on Baekhyun’s lips as he nodded quickly.

“I will sit with you from now on at meals...the boys from the team are quite lame and idiots” Baekhyun said with a shrug and I rolled my eyes.

“Of course, no one can be like Byun Baekhyun” Baekhyun started grinning before I killed his joy, “Not even himself”

“Here” He handed me a small gift box, revealing his hands from behind his back. My mouth fell open as I took the present, having bought nothing for him.

“Oh, but I--I bought nothing for you” I muttered embarrassed, not expecting to restore our friendship. Baekhyun grinned before leaning close enough to make me uncomfortable.

“Don’t worry” He muttered before closing his eyes and pressing his lips against mine. My eyes widened at the motion, never expecting it from Baekhyun. But my heart started beating faster and the butterflies in my stomach were stronger than with Junmyeon. The kiss was fast and more like a peck as Baekhyun pulled back with a prideful grin.

“It’s enough gift if you don’t slap me” He said cheekily, making me chuckle.

“Don’t tempt me, Byun Baekhyun” I warned him as I started slowly opening the gift box. 

Yes, Byun Baekhyun, don’t tempt me to kiss you again.

--

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50, Chapter 51 Chapter 52, Chapter 53, Chapter 54, Chapter 55

AO3

A/N: We are 56 chapters in, and I would like to thank you for reading this story  even though my updates have become irregular in the latest months and for your beautiful comments. ❤️ Real life is very demanding at the moment and I don’t have time to reply to all your comments but they mean a lot to me and reading your feedback always makes my day! Thank you!

The chapter is beta-ed, as always, by @theministerskat​.

                                    – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Chapter 56. Oxford

I was excited and afraid. 

I was intrigued and intimidated. 

I was enchanted. 

I was at Oxford.

That city had been to me what castles and voluptuous dresses were for other little girls. A fairytale. A dream.

It had all started when I was eight years old. Lamb had taken me with him to visit one of his dearest friends -- one who by chance had just discovered a new archaeological site and was convinced that a whole city lay underneath tons of dust. This kind of information always worked like a fluorescent light for the kind of craved-for-knowledge-moth my uncle happened to be, and it took him only a few days to find airline tickets for us to fly from Lebanon to Oxford. 

While my uncle and Andrew -- or Professor Horcrof, as he was known at the university -- spent endless days talking over manuscripts and pictures, I had been a PhD student’s burden to entertain. Extremely unprofessional on Andrew’s behalf, but I was too young to realize it back then and Emma insisted that taking care of me was no trouble at all. She was as sweet and kind as she was impressive -- almost as tall as Lamb, with golden hair and beautiful blue-rimmed glasses. Not really beautiful, but imposing, and it was obvious that everyone respected her. For me, the genuine niece of uncle Lamb, that meant much more than alluring eyes and an aristocratic nose. 

Emma had been the reason I prayed for nearsightedness for years after we left Oxford. And the reason I found Oxford’s grey the most beautiful colour, and started building my own fairytale in the city of dreaming spires. She was the one who had taken me to the Bodleian Library and made me take the Bodleian oath. Sometimes, in the years that followed, when I closed my eyes, I could still feel my chest puff up with pride and self-importance as I spoke the words, ‘I hereby undertake not to remove from the Library, or to mark, deface, or injure in any way, any volume, or document…’

That day I had also sworn to her that when I grew up, I would study at Oxford as well. Emma had replied that she was sure I would.

And now, here I was. I wondered what Emma would think. 

My college was not at the centre of the city and I felt my heart beat faster and faster inside my chest as I walked towards my destination. It was a struggle to bring my shallow breathing back to normal and not break into a run when I first glimpsed Lady Margaret Hall. A college with more than one hundred and forty years of history, and the first to educate women at Oxford. 

I searched for the word in my head as my feet led me to the entrance. Honoured, I thought, and stepped inside. 

--

Three days in Oxford and I was sure that Jamie’s phone would soon reach its maximum storage capacity after receiving so many pictures -- the buildings, my college, my room, the gardens… I didn’t even take the time to sort out the best pictures, but sent him everything, unable to contain the happiness I was feeling. 

“You have to take me to each and every one of these places when I visit, Sassenach,” he’d written. I promised him I would. 

The accommodations at Lady Margaret Hall were better than most colleges in Oxford, and Mary Hawkins, my roommate, was a sweet, if not a bit shy, girl from Bath. She had a quiet beauty, and luckily for both of us, she was a fellow medical student. I liked her from the first moment we introduced ourselves and she seemed to like me too, though she talked at a frequency that was barely audible, and it was a struggle to carry on a conversation without asking her to repeat herself over and over again. I soon realized that the low voice was a way to hide her stutter, and hoped that it would get better once she felt comfortable. Sometimes I wondered how it would be, if Louise was at Oxford with us and not in France. Or Jenny. Louise would tease Mary to no end. Jenny would, most likely, take Mary under her wing and protect her throughout our years at university. 

I wasn’t surprised Mary kept mostly to herself. She mentioned once or twice that she had grown up with a strict father who made it explicit to her that Oxford University wasn’t a choice, but an obligation. He had gone to Oxford University. His father had studied there. Mary’s mother had graduated from Lady Margaret’s Hall. It was unacceptable for Mary to break the family tradition. I felt sorry, but happy she had made it and was away from them now. Sometimes distance was all it took for a child to become an adult.

Freshers’ week had been full of tours and social events for the new students. A whole week for everyone to become familiar with the university and have fun -- everyone except us, the medics. Our welcome included writing three essays for the first week of the term, and we spent a good amount of the week doing research in the library. There were four of us in Lady Margaret’s Hall and having to work while everyone else had the time of their lives formed a bond between us in a matter of days. The solidarity of the maltreated medics, we called it.

At least we had our parents, to help. The college family system assigned each one of us a student who was a year older, to guide us, give us advice and notes. Maisri, my college mam, had big brown eyes, thick black hair, and a deep voice that made everything she said sound serious. Even if it was something like, “Dr. Raymond won’t need the essay if you present yourself like this on Monday. One look at your hair and he’ll be scared for good. By no means, do continue running your hands through your curls.” 

When we took a break from studying, I made sure to drag Mary with me to one party or another, determined to bring her out of her shell. When she wasn’t in the library, I usually found her in the piano room. It was the only place I saw her relax. She played the piano beautifully, and more than once, I grabbed a book and lounged there, feeling the notes dance in the room around us. I had tried to convince her to join me and Maisri in the yoga classes that were taking place in the gardens during the summer months, but Mary resolutely denied. 

The Michaelmas term started right after Freshers’ week. And with the courses, real life commenced. 

I had read that the University demanded eight hours per day be spent on focussed, concentrated academic work. Theoretically, that was fine. Practically, the workload of medical school was much heavier. We were in lectures and practicals from 9 am to 3 pm, and then we had three tutorials per week which required either an essay, a worksheet, or a presentation prepared beforehand.

It was amazing, studying medicine. But with the courses, meeting new people, and trying to socialize in an effort to be a part of the university community, I always felt exhausted. The pictures I sent to Jamie were limited to selfies showing me and my books while I was studying in the library, or shots of the collections of pints gathered on the table in front of me at local pubs.

Some nights I fell asleep so early that I missed my nightly call with Jamie. And other times I was out for drinks and ended up having a short video call outside a pub or a club, just to see him for a few minutes and hear his voice. 

In any case, we still managed to talk at least once every day. And we texted when we couldn’t. And sent pictures. 

It was the beginning, I reminded myself. It was expected that I would need some time to adjust. Jamie understood. He, too, had an intense schedule. His term was more demanding now that he had been admitted to the Ross School of Business, swimming meets had begun, and he pushed himself to his limits, which meant that he often overslept and missed our morning call.

I almost screamed when I read his text after his first race as a Wolverine. Almost, because at that time I was in a lecture. Mary and a few other students shot me bewildered glances, trying to guess what Dr. Hildstand had said that I found so fascinating, but I just shook my head and swallowed my smile, trying not to attract more attention. I texted Jamie a minute later, with a row of emojis. Then, I told him that I was proud of him and I loved him. He sent me a wet kiss picture in response.

I was just as happy and proud after his second race, but Jamie wasn’t. He had finished second, and apparently for Jamie that was equivalent to finishing last. That evening, I was in the study room with Mary, Malva, and Davie when Maisri rushed in, still laughing from something that she had said to someone in the corridor, and invited us to ‘Dissection Drinks’ with medics from other colleges. Mary groaned at the prospect of going out again, but Malva and Davie quickly accepted the invitation. I had almost agreed on going too, when I remembered that Jamie would be getting home early and we would have time for a rather extensive call. Judging by the sulky texts I got throughout the day, I was sure that he’d need to talk.

“I can’t come, but maybe next time,” I said, ignoring Maisri’s frown. I would give my Friday night to my boyfriend. Looking at the big black clock on the wall, I realized I only had half an hour before our call. 

Mary called it an early night and after a quick visit to our room, I headed to the showers, wanting to be ready when Jamie called. 

An hour later, I was lying on my bed, still waiting. And then, an hour after that. I’d texted Jamie and he just replied that he wasn’t home yet.

When Jamie finally called me, I was more than irritated and Mary was sound asleep in her bed. Grabbing my phone, I resorted to one of the empty study rooms to have a conversation where more than whispering could be used.

“You’re late, Jamie Fraser.” I had planned for very playful greeting while I was in the shower, but after two hours of waiting and seeing him fresh as a daisy, my tone turned dourer than I’d thought it would be. 

“Ah, I ken. Sorry, Sassenach, we were out wi’ the team and I couldna leave earlier.”

I forced myself to relax and smile, and I was almost successful. It wasn’t his fault, I repeated to myself again and again, until I believed it. Keeping my frustration from being front and center, I focused on Jamie. Spending half of our time arguing about the fact that he was late would do neither of us any good.

“Congratulations for today,” I said, to change the mood and make it clear that the second place was to be praised.

He shook his head. “Second,” he said, glumly.

“You can’t always finish first, I hope you know that,” I admonished him. “Everyone has bad days, although I’m not sure that coming second counts as a bad day.”

“At the first race it was different. Today I was so stressed, I dinna think I’ve ever been that stressed before.”

“But why? You’ve participated in far bigger competitions before.”

“Aye, but in Scotland I knew my opponents. I had raced against them time and time again as we grew up and knew their mistakes and strong points. Here I have no idea what to expect. ”

“But in the first race --”

“I don’t think I’d realized the sheer size of competitions here,” he interrupted me. “The Big Ten, the NCAA championships…”

“Jamie, look at me.” I wished he could be next to me, so I could squeeze his cheeks between my hands and make him see how much he had already achieved. “You’ll do great. You’ll give your best self, you will keep working, and you will improve. You’re one of the best swimmers already! First and second place, come on!”

That made him laugh. “Thank ye, mo ghraidh. I wish you were here. It was always different when I was looking at you in the bleachers after seeing my times.”

“Well, if that makes you happy, I almost screamed both times I read your texts. During lectures, I have to mention.”

He laughed and his blue eyes shone for the first time that evening. “It does, Sassenach. It makes me happy. You make me happy. So, how was your day?”

“Good! I had my first tutorial with Dr. Raymond. He is absolutely amazing, Jamie. He’s tiny, really, no taller than Mrs. FitzGerald but he’s a force of nature. Ha. Funny, because the tutorial was on alternative medicine and herbs. It was the best tutorial I’d had so far.”

“So, uni is as ye expected it to be?”

“Heavier workload, if you can imagine that, but yes. I love it.” I smiled, realizing the truth behind my words. Medical school was everything I had wished for, and even more.

“Good. I’m glad ye do, babe. Did you look for tickets yet?” 

I hesitated. “No, not yet.”

Jamie sighed. “Dinna leave it for the last moment, Sassenach. You’re going to pay a fortune at the end.” He opened a bottle of water and drank until it was half empty. “Dhia, I’m always so thirsty after coming back from Hector’s.”

“Alcohol causes dehydration, you know.”

“Aye, aye doctor.” He flashed a toothy grin and took another big gulp.

I waited until his eyes met mine again, seeking the right words to express what I needed to say. “Jamie, I was thinking…” Jamie left the water next to him and slightly tilted his head sideways, waiting. “I was thinking that maybe coming in two weeks isn’t a good idea, after all.”

“Oh?”

I knew he wouldn’t like that. “I know we planned on meeting in early November, but the term ends at the beginning of December, and I thought I might wait until then so I can stay longer when I come to Michigan. And maybe we could fly to Edinburgh together for Christmas.” I swallowed, uneasy, even though I knew that my proposal made perfect sense. There was no reason to spend so much money just to see him for a few days. “If I come before the term ends, I will stay only for a few days and I have lectures I don’t want to miss…” I added when he kept silent.

“I thought you’d be here for my race in New Jersey, that’s all,” he finally said with no trace of feeling in his voice. His face had changed into a neutral mask. 

“But it’s a better plan if I come before Christmas, no?”

“I guess so.”

I fidgeted with the hem of my top, avoiding his eyes. I knew he wanted me to be in New Jersey as we had planned, but that was before I came to Oxford. I didn’t really know what I would find here. When I finally looked at Jamie, I saw a strained smile on his mouth and disappointment dancing in his stare. “I wanted to be there, too, Jamie,” I tried to explain. He nodded. “I wanted to,” I insisted, forcefully. “But we must make compromises. It’s just four weeks, and then we’ll spend a whole month together.” 

“Yeah. Okay. You’re right.”

I smiled and blew him a kiss. He kissed me -- the screen -- back. 

“So, what place did John get today? ” I asked to change the subject.

“Fourth. He was so pissed.” Jamie chuckled and I could see some of the tension leaving his shoulders. 

We talked about swimming and his classes, and then about my practicals and my newfound love for yoga. “Until I find a decent dance club,” I clarified. 

We smiled, laughed, and teased each other, but I could still feel a lingering uneasiness between us. 

“Jamie?” I whispered when he said he was tired and would go to bed. “You know I wanted to be there, don’t you?”

This time his smile was genuine. “Aye, Sassenach. I ken. Ye just took me by surprise, is all. Dinna worry, aye?”

“And you know I love you, right?” I asked again.

His smile turned into a grin. “Aye, ye wee yogi.” He ignored my snort. “I love ye too, Claire.” This time his voice was guttural. I let out a heavy sigh and heard him mirroring it, as if we needed to hear the words even though we could always feel them resonating through our bodies. 

“Now go to bed,” he finally said. “I’ll dream of you.”

“Me too,” I said, and we ended the call.

Me too.

Chapter 57

[thegayfromrulid]

Frkm 1 allll the way to 99. Also, the next SAO game eugeo lives as a sword and not die (thank GOD)

@2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars- I will not eat lollipops. 

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Cotton candy! I actually get super bad headaches from bubblegum.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Probably lonely genius...

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

Soda bottles!! I feel so fancy!! And old-timey.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I guess tomboy even though I’m a boy??

7. earbuds or headphones?

Aren’t these the same thing? I think I prefer over-ear headphones, but I don’t really like either. 

8. movies or tv shows?

Depends on the genre I guess. But as a main rule, live action- movies, animated- TV shows.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Potato salad.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

Frankly, I wasn’t good, but I was really good at pissing all the jocks off-

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

I make myself these homemade egg mcmuffins. I enjoy them a lot. I am very picky about breakfast.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

I only have one and it’s very generic: The Gay From Rulid’s Playlist. Yes it’s on Spotify. Yes, it’s 99% anime openings and endings and maybe Bet On It from HSM2. Be ashamed of me. Go on.

13. lanyard or key ring?

Lanyard! Mine is a BNHA one I bought from an artist at Nekocon!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Either Sweet Tarts or Nerds. 

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

I usually have one leg tucked up under me and the other stretched out.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

A black and white pair of Skechers. They look like shit. They almost never are replaced by another shoe. Not even in the gross muggy heat.

18. ideal weather?

When it’s just warm enough to wear a t-shirt and sit in the sunshine, but cool enough that I’m not hot, and a little breeze is going. I think of this weather quite often. 

19. sleeping position?

On my belly kinda spread out like a shounen protagonist.

21. obsession from childhood?

J.R.R. Tolkien. Have always been obsessed with him and his works. 

22. role model?

Redundant, but Tolkien again. Linguist and writer. Living my dream. 

23. strange habits?

I unplug things like microwaves, lamps, and TVs when I am done using them. Very little remains plugged in at my place. The modem, the fridge, and the clock. That is it.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst. It’s my sister’s middle name. And I especially like the purple ones.

25. first song you remember hearing?

Blue by Eiffel 65. I don’t know why that song sticks out so much in my memory but it’s nostalgic for me. Tiny AJ hyperfixated on this song before anything else ya’ll. 

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Curl up in the sun on a blanket and nap. 

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Hot cocoa blanket cuddles. 

28. five songs to describe you?

Uhhhh...I’m not very musically literate. Let’s go with Born This Way (the first person I came out to sent me that song so it feels special!), I’m Free to Be Me by Jamie Grace, Praying by Kesha, Shake It Off by Taylor Swift ( @delicateeuphorias​ would you believe it xD), and right now thinking about someone dear to me who’s been gone See You Again is stuck in my brain.

30. places that you find sacred?

Arboretums or big botanical gardens where I can get lost in the plants for a moment and take in how pretty they all are. And old monuments/big things people of the past built. A lot of things were built by people with no rights/freedom and I think about them and how despite the fact that they had nothing, they made such a lasting impact on our world. 

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

*slips on my Owari no Seraph cosplay* I will kick ass in this sweet ass cape-

33. most used phrase in your phone?

My phone seems to think it’s “Kirito’s ass” and I want it to not think that.

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

O-O-O-O’REILLYYYYYYYYYY’S...Autooo PARTS.

35. average time you fall asleep?

I’m an insomniac it could be 10 pm it could be 3 am who knows I sleep for an hour I’m up again...

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Fucking CAN I HAS CHEEZBURGR cats. 

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

This all boils down to how much I’m packing. Going for a sleepover? Duffel. Going to con? My giant suitcase with room for all the bells and whistles of cosplay.

38. lemonade or tea?

Tea!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Oh cruel I looooove lemon. The pie!

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

In high school here- so, aside from me being the resident weirdo (I DID come to school dressed as the TARDIS), my senior class decided to squirt hundreds of bottles of chocolate syrup on the sidewalks. We were an open campus so it’s all in front of our classroom doors- we had no hallways. And then they. They fucking EGGED ALL THE DOORS. The whole campus smelled like...ick.

41. last person you texted?

My father and mother in a group text to cry about customers treating me poorly. 

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I prefer the jacket pockets because I still haven’t found a way to get men’s pants under the radar of my ever-watchful parents and women’s jeans pockets are SHITTY. Women gotta boycott this shit it is UNACCEPTABLE-

44. favorite scent for soap?

Peppermint...peppermint ^-^ I like to smell like...mint.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy!

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Recently I was reminded I live alone and my new favorite sleeping outfit...is...just some boxer shorts. Suck it dysphoria. Manly nightwear.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Pepper jack, Swiss, or ricotta. 

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Strawberry :3

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

I’m gonna sound so gay but when @disasterbikirito​ started laughing about a certain GIF and his laugh was so infectious I couldn’t help but laugh too. 

51. current stresses?

Are you shitting me it’s everything. Every. Single. Thing. I cannot breathe. I am having meltdowns. Someone fucking save me I cannot deal with COVID well.

52. favorite font?

Garamond for writing in my free time, Doulous SIL for all the linguistics IPA symbols my greedy heart desires. 

53. what is the current state of your hands?

Smooth but my fingertips have been gnawed on. I am stressed, okay?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

Gosh, lots of things. But the most important takeaway is that a good boss will genuinely care about you. I miss that man. He was so wonderful and so caring and taught me so much about theater. Technical things and artistic things and historical things. Sometimes I wish I could have made a career out of working under him. 

55. favorite fairy tale?

Beauty and the Beast (AH...AH...I SEE YOU ROLLING YOUR EYES BECAUSE I’M TRANS. I KNOW. I *KNOW*.)

56. favorite tradition?

It’s a family tradition kinda unique to my household. Each year, we draw a name from a hat, and that name comes with a lot of words that describe us and what we liked over that year. We then each take a $20 bill and we go to a little hobby shop with cheap things in it and use that $20 bill to fill a Christmas stocking. We then hang them back up and empty the stocking full of candies and random silly things and have a good laugh and guess who filled whose stocking. 

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

The first one is coming to terms with knowing my dad has a severe illness. It really shook my family up, and it’s terrifying us right now with everything going on, but after a while, I learned that he was smiling, so I could smile, too.

The second one is my mother coming back from her tour in the Middle East on top of the murder of my godmother. Two very stressful things happened at once. My mother got very violent from her PTSD and her best friend died in a horrible way. It was an adjustment for everyone, and it kind of ripped my family to pieces. I can say, though, that my parents are still married and are getting better, and my sister and I are coming back to the family to be more open and healthy.

The third, and maybe some of my followers are aware, was getting rid of my ex-fiance. He was a man who sexually assaulted me repeatedly and I won’t go into details beyond that. It took me 5 years to get rid of him and accept what happened, but I am a much happier person now and while I work through the trauma that caused me, I have the most wonderful partner by my side and if you had told me back then I’d find someone as kind and patient and loving as him, I would have laughed and thought you were insane. 

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Probably what I put on all my fanfic updates: “I know. I’m an asshole.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Some kind of shoujo romance but it’s bi also I want a sword.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

There was nothing more smartass than Alice Synthesis 30 in SAO 18 asking a reporter to open up his head and prove he was human I’m sorry like OOF-

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Get in losers, we’re playing Steppin’ Out by FLOW, Elle me dit by Mika, Blue by Eiffel 65, ADAMAS by LiSA, and Touch Off by UVERworld.

64. favorite website from your childhood?

I was on Webkinz more than I want to admit. 

65. any permanent scars?

Yup. I have one on my toe where I split the skin in half. I tripped. I have three surgical scars from when I had my appendix removed. And...the mystery scar. I was supposedly born with a scar it’s at the part where my foot meets my leg on my left side and you can see how it’s stretched over the years if you run your finger over it. The joke is that the doctor taking out my mom’s appendix scratched me in the womb. 

67. good luck charms?

Not really a charm but I do have a little Kirito keychain I carry everywhere I go that I fiddle with when I’m nervous.

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Artificial bubblegum. Disgustiiiing.

70. left or right handed?

I am right-handed.

71. least favorite pattern?

Zig-zags. 

72. worst subject?

History...I am ashamed. It’s interesting, I just suck at it.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Gingerbread and marshmallow. I am a bit picky about mixing foods and flavors, so this was the weirdest I could think up. 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

Can you hear that? It’s my hysterical laughter. 12 on a scale of 10. I get up there pretty frequently. Thank you, chronic crippling pain. 

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I...I don’t remember...I don’t even remember...I think I had to be like what...kindergarten? 

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

THIS IS CRUEL I LOVE ALL POTATOS I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH-Au gratin.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Aloe!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Coffee from a gas station. Mark my words...I will never get grocery store sushi. Ever. Again. My stomach has not forgotten. What a mistake. That was. 

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

So, my driver’s license hasn’t had an updated photo since I was 15 and just had a learner’s so I look like I want to murder a man but my school ID I had just run about a mile in the cold because the bus wasn’t running that day and my face is red and I look like I’m crying...probably the school ID...

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel tones~~

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

I am from the South and we call ‘em lightnin’ bugs.

82. pc or console?

Errrrr console. I’m not a gamer by any means but there’s way fewer things to press on a console controller. 

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Neither...what...no...neither...they will put me to sleep...I will be out in seconds...the most dangerous things...people talking...and then I’m out...

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie, she’s a LOT easier to dress. Those rubber clothes. SMH.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies but they gotta be the soft ones.

87. your greatest fear?

Being swallowed in the ocean. By a fish or a whale. I don’t play. Church kid don’t play with big things in the ocean with big mouths.

88. your greatest wish?

To make enough of a difference in someone’s life that they learn to love themself.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

Such a selfish thought...gosh...the mere thought of prioritizing someone troubles me. 

90. luckiest mistake?

Telling a cute guy sending me dog pictures was an excellent flirting technique as he sent me pictures of his puppy. I immediately thought “oh god I’ve fucked up bad” and at present we’re kinda head over heels for one another so maybe just be stupidly blunt once and a while you might find true love. 

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes. My cat didn’t force me to say that. Not at all. Sock, buddy, off the keyboard-

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Sunlight. I like the sun. The sun is my friend. It is warm and would never betray me.

93. nicknames?

Sister calls me “spoony” when she’s being ridiculous. No, I don’t know what that means. Mama calls me “cakes.” I had friends who called me “Deku” because I’m a crybaby. Had a few people DM me and straight up call me “Eugeo” or “Eug.” AJ is technically a nickname. 

94. favorite season?

Springtime!!!!! It’s...HERE!

95. favorite app on your phone?

I use like three apps...so Discord.

96. desktop background?

It’s. It’s Kirito and Eugeo. What did you expect.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Mama’s, dad’s, mine, and my parents’ house number. And does the emergency 911 count (pahahaha). 

(I answered the others in delicateeuphoria’s ask!)

[sockablock]

Widomauk Week 2k19 | Day 3: Formal Event

The theater was in the midst of uproarious pre-show chatter as Caleb and Nott arrived that evening, dressed to the nines—or at least, disguised to look it. Though Caleb had reluctantly donned a proper suit, Nott had opted instead for illusion and was currently glamoured up as a young halfling. 

After all, they could take no risks tonight. It was much too important for the sake of their friend Jester.

“It was real nice of her to invite us,” grinned Nott as they headed down the aisles, periodically checking the numbers of every row. “And she got us such amazing seats!”

“She is a very kind person,” Caleb nodded, and pushed past some less well-connected opera-goers. “I do hope for her paycheck’s sake that she got these for free, though. You would think, perhaps, that the closer the better, but actually the center of the orchestra is best. Gotts, I have not been to the opera in years.”

“What’s it like?” Nott glanced up. They slipped around a few more patrons. “We didn’t have fancy stuff like this back in Felderwin.”

“Hmm...I suppose it depends on your tastes. If you are a lover of music, then opera is a truly magical experience.”

“Well,” said Nott, shooting him another smile, “I know for sure that I do like magic.”

Caleb gave her a fond chuckle, then slowly came to a stop. “Ah,” he said, gesturing into a row, “I believe that this is us. After you, Fraulein the Brave?” 

Nott let out a laugh, then scurried to their spots, counting the cushioned chairs as she went. She was glared at by an older pair of elves, who themselves had been forced to sit along the aisle. 

Caleb slipped in after her and comfortably settled down. A young gnome couple sitting to their right began to make polite small talk with Nott, giving him a chance to survey the others in the hall.

Wealthy, he thought, important figures, the lot of them. Many had probably never worked a day in their lives. Their glittering, precious jewelry, elegantly-cut cloaks, their shiny gold opera glasses clutched between claw-like nails, all definitely meant that they belonged to the higher classes.

Which, more accurately, translated to: bastards.

Caleb sank down slightly in his chair. He eyed the thick, still-closed, draping curtains.

Of course, he was proud of Jester, tonight. Unbelievably so, undoubtedly so. She was the most amazing singer in the world, mind-blowingly talented and unswervingly dedicated. Singing was her passion—well, one of them, she was very passionate—but performing, performing on such a scale, was her dream. And to be the first tiefling prima donna of all time, at such a young age, in such an elitist and unaccepting industry—well. It was bad enough that the male lead was a half-orc. The poor man had already endured two years of criticism, and had mostly been begrudgingly accepted by the community. But now, tonight, for two mixed-bloods to be onstage at once?

Caleb couldn’t help but worry for his friend. The gnomes talking to Nott certainly seemed nice, but you could never quite be sure with the rich and famous. 

He briefly wondered how many people he could Charm at once.

This train of thought was interrupted, however, by a commotion near the back of the hall. Some people were shouting, and a handful of performance programs achieved flight.

Everyone in their section turned around. A number of posh audience members began to whisper.

“What do you suppose it is?” Nott murmured, leaning in to glance at Caleb. “Someone famous, do you think?”

Caleb raised an eyebrow. “Maybe...infamous. Listen to the noise, what could that b—”

And then an explosion tore through the crowd, whirling past the last of the standing patrons and whipping down the aisle trailing gold dust and satin. It was a blur of color, a rush of wild force, and it was dressed in a sheer black gown and high heels and carried two—two—glasses of red wine.

It was, to Caleb’s surprise and horror, a person. Surprise, because this was amazingly another tielfing; horror, because he was headed right for Caleb.

He plowed through the aisle and came to a stop barely just inches away from Caleb’s face. 

His breath smelled like cranberries. And cola. A hint of lemon.

And a sort of low, burning heat. His eyes were crimson, shone dangerously in the dim light.

There was a moment, and they just stared at one another.

And then the edge of the tiefling’s shawl dipped. He leaned in even closer, their noses almost brushed.

“Well, well, well,” he murmured. “What brings you here, dear?”

Caleb managed to open his mouth. Then he closed it again. He tried to lean back and half-spilled from his chair, and was very, very cognizant of the rage Nott was emitting.

It was like a fountain of unbridled fury. It was enough to help Caleb screw his head back on.

“I, ah...here for Jester,” he mumbled, trying and failing to properly make eye contact. How the hell were you supposed to look at someone without pupils?

“Jester?” the tielfling murmured. “You mean...Jester Lavore?”

“That would be the one,” Nott piped up. Her voice had a very hard edge to it. “Also, hey, who are you?” she demanded. “And what are you doing here?”

The tielfing snorted, and then finally leaned back. Caleb took a grateful breath of air.

“Well, it’s funny you should ask,” he said. He crossed his arms, which was impressive considering how he was dual-wielding 40-proof.

“I’m actually here for Fjord. The male lead? I’m his roommate, and his best friend. Mollymauk Tealeaf, at your service.”

He actually bowed. 

“Call me Molly.”

Nott gave Molly a very suspicious once-over. After a few quiet seconds, during which the entire rest of the orchestra stared at them with expressions ranging from indignant to bored, he adjusted his shawl and sat down in the seat right next to Caleb.

Their shoulders very briefly brushed. It was hard not to, in a theater optimized for capacity.

“I’m actually quite excited,” Molly said, with a frankly bewildering level of normalcy. “Fjord’s been practicing for almost a year, now, and he never stops gushing about how lovely his co-star is. Or, co-lead, or whatever they call it in this hellish industry.”

He took a sip from his left wine.

“Jester seems like a wonderful girl. You said you’re here for her, yes? Come to gawk at the upstart young singer? Or are you one of those...horn enthusiasts?”

This line of questioning was enough to startle Caleb completely out of his daze. His eyebrows did a sort of Macarena up to his hairline.

“What?”

“No?” Molly raised his right glass. “You are here for another reason, then?”

“You—I—yes! Yes!” Caleb rubbed his face in disbelief. “I...scheisse, Jester is my friend. A very good friend, of mine and of Nott’s. We are here to cheer her on.”

“Yeah,” said Nott, leaning out from behind Caleb. “Gods, lighten up, you weirdo.”

Molly fell silent. Then he burst out laughing. His shawl waved up and down with his shoulders, and the charms on his horns jingled with the din.

“Oh, gods, oh, I’m so sorry, dear!” He wiped at the tears in his eyes with his forearm. “I suppose I was just suspecting the worst, eh? Fjord warned me that there would be some—” he lowered his voice to a not-very-subtle whisper, “—unsavory and unwelcoming types in the rich people seats. I am very fortunate to have found you, instead.”

Caleb met that scarlet gaze. He felt the corners of his mouth form a smile.

“Ja,” he agreed, without at first realizing. “Ja, indeed. Very fortunate.”

Molly handed him a glass of wine. It was the cranberry one. There was a faint smudge of lipstick staining the outer rim.        

“Cheers,” he smiled, “to welcome company. Cheers to your halfling friend, too, Nott, did you say your name was?”

“Yeah,” said Nott, gracing him with the faintest nod. “And I do still think you’re weird. But I guess you get a pass. For now.”

Molly raised his glass. “That’s all I need, dear.”

He clinked his cup against Caleb’s new one and chugged it down without hesitation. All around them, the audience had returned to their idle conversation, and the lights in the theater were slowly beginning to dim.

“Oh, right, before I forget,” Molly said, after his drink had been half-drained. “What’s your name, dear? So that I know who I have the honor of sitting with.”

Caleb felt a laugh escape his chest. His smile grew just a bit wider.

Ah. It is the wine, he told himself, even though he hadn’t even taken a sip yet. That is what has gotten you so giddy.

He leaned in towards Molly until their shoulders brushed together in the new darkness.

“Caleb Widogast,” he said. “Caleb, if you like.”

The chatter of the audience had faded to a whisper. The conductor of the orchestra raised his baton.

Molly brought his lips to a grin by Caleb’s ear.

“Well then,” he murmured, “in that case, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mister Caleb.”

His response was a hum as the flutes began to sing:

“Nein, Mister Mollymauk. The pleasure is all mine.”

— — — — —

💜 Thank you so so much for reading! I’m currently trying to afford Microsoft Word, and my Ko-fi link is in my bio, if you’re feeling generous 💜

[florablume]

Character Development Questions

Part 1: The Basics

What is your full name? Flora Elizabeth Blume

Where and when were you born? San Francisco, California on April 4th 1978

Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.) My mother is Joanne Blume, a retired teacher who isn’t ever afraid to say exactly what she thinks. She has little to no filter, which has made for many an awkward conversation in the past. My father is Richard Blume, a retired accountant. He’s proud, probably too proud sometimes, and occasionally outspoken. Apparently I’m the most like him out of his three daughters.

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like? I have two younger sisters - Pippa and Sam. I get on with Pippa the most, probably because our personalities don’t clash so much. We’ve always been able to open up to each other about a lot of things. Sam and I butt heads a lot and we always have done. I’ve always just assumed it’s because I’m the oldest and she’s the youngest, but who knows.

Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people. I live on Manhattan’s Upper East Side in New York City, with Henry and our son Finley. Henry and I have been through a lot together - we’re not married but we act like we are. The apartment is Henry’s and we’ve lived there as a family for about a year almost. 

What is your occupation? I’m a Nurse Practitioner

Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye colour, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks. I’m about five foot one, so not exactly blessed with height. I don’t make a habit of weighing myself, but I’d say I’m about average for a woman of my height. I’m caucasian with brown hair and brown eyes, and a few freckles all over my skin. I enjoy a floral print, and I’m probably more comfortable in dresses and skirts than trousers, although at work I don’t have much of a choice. No tattoos, but I do have a couple of piercings - ears and my naval (don’t ask). I have a small scar in my right eyebrow, and a couple of marks on my back from past scrapes.

To which social class do you belong? If you’d asked me this a year ago, I would’ve said working to middle class, but I’m not too sure any more. 

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses? No allergies as far as I’m aware. No diseases or physical weaknesses - I’m in (near) perfect shape.

Are you right- or left-handed? Right-handed

What does your voice sound like? Like my voice? I don’t really know how to describe it. (Cue Henry shouting “whiny” in the distance)

What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently? Too many terms of endearment probably. I use them a lot at work and that’s bled into my home life. I probably roll my eyes way too much as well.

What do you have in your pockets? Nothing because I don’t have any. You can thank the manufacturers of women’s clothing for that.

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics? As far as I’m aware, no. You’re probably better asking Henry or Fin this question, although I dread what that answer would be. 

Part 2: Growing Up

How would you describe your childhood in general? Wonderful. I had a really happy childhood and I know how lucky I was to have two very loving parents. They couldn’t have done any more for us than they did. 

What is your earliest memory? The day Sam was born. I remember us going to visit my mom in the hospital, and my dad left me in charge of Pip while he went to get my mom some flowers. I remember feeling so grown up being an older sister a second time.

How much schooling have you had? All of it - all the way to undergrad at college at least anyway. 

Did you enjoy school? Yeah, I liked it. I enjoyed learning a lot when I was a kid, and I still do. 

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? Through working. Studying nursing is one thing, but it’s a whole different ball game once you start on the job. You learn things that can’t be taught in a classroom.

While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. Probably my dad. He was always so hardworking and I knew I wanted to be like that when I grew up. Sometimes I thought he put a little too much into his work, and he could’ve spent more time with us, but I suppose all he wanted to do was provide for his family and I respect that.

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? I got on pretty well with most of my family. Sam was the only one I really butted heads with. We’re just like polar opposites in some ways, but then we’re both really stubborn too. She thinks I boss her around too much, and I think she needs to take more responsibility for herself. We’re still like this with each other now.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? I honestly can’t remember. Probably a teacher because my mom was one, and it was the only job I’d ever really come into contact with. 

As a child, what were your favourite activities? I played with dolls a lot, and me and my sisters would always make up games together. Embarrassingly, we’d sometimes make up dance routines to show my parents. Thank god there’s no video evidence of that.

As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? Bossiness was the main one, which I dispute to this day, but everyone tells me I’m wrong. I was also pretty protective of my sisters too, always helping them whenever they fell over or got into any kind of scrape. I didn’t like seeing them hurt.

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? Not really, no. I had a few close friends when I was a kid, but I think Pip was definitely the popular one out of the three of us. The friends I had lasted all the way through to high school though - Lillian, Maggie and Kathryn. I still see them every now and again. 

When and with whom was your first kiss? I think I was about thirteen or something. It was with some guy at school that I thought I liked. It was awful, just like a first kiss is meant to be because neither of you has a clue what you’re doing. 

Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? No. I don’t remember a lot about my first time if I’m completely honest. I was at college and I just wanted to get it out of the way so I was pretty drunk when it actually happened. I don’t even remember the guy’s name...

Part 3: Past Influences

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? Giving birth to Finley.

Who has had the most influence on you? Probably Henry and Fin, both for very different reasons. I changed a lot after I first met Henry, and becoming a mom has probably changed me the most throughout my whole life.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? Raising Finley in a safe and stable home, and being able to watch him grow up.

What is your greatest regret? Not telling Henry how much I loved him before he left all those years ago. If I could change one thing in my life, that would be it.

What is the most evil thing you have ever done? I don’t think I’ve ever done anything evil. Does elbowing Henry in the balls to get out of watching a horror film count? If so, then that.

Do you have a criminal record of any kind? A small one, from stupid behaviour in my twenties. 

When was the time you were the most frightened? When they first took me into the House. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my whole life.

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? I can think of a million embarrassing things that have happened to me - most involving Henry.

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why? Borrowing money from a loan shark while I was in college was a very stupid thing to do. But then, if I hadn’t done that stupid thing I might never have met Henry, so I probably wouldn’t change that. I’d change the moment when I decided not to tell him that I loved him. 

What is your best memory? I have two - the first time I ever held Fin, and the year that Henry decided to spend Christmas in Florida instead of with his family. 

What is your worst memory? There are way too many to recall from living in the House. We’d be here all day.

Part 4: Beliefs And Opinions

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? Optimist.

What is your greatest fear? Losing Henry or Fin.

What are your religious views? I’m Christian, but non-practicing.

What are your political views? Liberal.

What are your views on sex? It’s great?

Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? My gut response is no, but if someone put anyone I care about in danger then that answer would quickly change to yes. I wouldn’t ever say it’s acceptable, but I’d do anything to protect the people I love.

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do? I mean, murder is the obvious answer.

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? Sort of, I think. I believe in love and I think that’s enough to believe in. 

What do you believe makes a successful life? Honesty, loyalty and having a strong and loving family around you, whether you come from one or you have to build your own from scratch.

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? I’ve been told that I’m a bad liar, so I’d say I’m pretty honest about most things.

Do you have any biases or prejudices? Not any more, I don’t think so. Well. Maybe a little. Some rich people are still snooty and up their own asses, the Dunnes excluded.

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? I can think of one thing that I keep refusing to do, but I might be slowly coming around to it. I don’t know. I can’t decide. GAH.

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? Henry and Fin, without question.

Part 5: Relationships With Others

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how? I’d like to think I treat everyone politely. I wouldn’t ever want to make anyone feel uncomfortable (unless your name is Jen Breslin).

Who is the most important person in your life, and why? Finley, because he’s my son. Henry and I have to put him first all the time.

Who is the person you respect the most, and why? My mom. She’s put up with my dad for over forty years and she probably deserves a medal for that. She’s also so easy-going about everything and I don’t know how she does it. 

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people. I still keep in touch with my old school friends. We don’t see each other as often as we’d like because we all live in different states now, but we try. I have a few friends at work who I’ll sometimes socialise with, but I wouldn’t say I have a ‘best’ friend.

Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person. I do, Henry - very attractive and mostly very annoying but I love him a lot. We spend most of our lives bickering over stupid things but that’s kind of our thing now. I wouldn’t change what we have for anything else.

Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened. Already in love and it’s going pretty well. 

What do you look for in a potential lover? I have no idea how to answer this question without me just describing Henry. 

How close are you to your family? Pretty close. I don’t see them nearly as much as I’d like to because we live at opposite ends of the country, but we see each other as much as we can.

Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not? Yeah, it’s just me, Henry and Fin at the moment. Not that we’re planning to expand any more.

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? I’m the idiot who chooses not to turn to anyone because she’s stubborn and thinks she can handle it. I would probably turn to Henry though.

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? Henry. He’s done it in the past and I’ve never had a reason not to trust him. 

If you died or went missing, who would miss you? My whole family, I hope.

Who is the person you despise the most, and why? I don’t despise anyone. Jen Breslin.

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? I’ll be honest, I tend to argue. I’m not always very good at avoiding conflict because I like to make my opinion known. Because, let’s be honest, I’m usually right.

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations? That depends. I won’t dub myself leader if I have no idea what I’m doing. Surprisingly I’m good at taking orders sometimes.

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not? Depends on the people. I’ll do it if I have to, and I’ll always be polite, but I don’t like having to stand and listen to someone drone on about something I’m not interested in (which is what most of Henry’s mom’s dinner parties have involved...) If it’s family then I’m happy to be in a big group of them.

Do you care what others think of you? Unfortunately, yeah, I do. I know I shouldn’t care.

Part 6: Likes And Dislikes

What is/are your favourite hobbies and pastimes? I like gardening, although I don’t have anywhere to do that in New York. I also like reading, going for walks, watching movies, dancing badly to whatever’s on the radio.

What is your most treasured possession? A necklace my mom gave me when I was sixteen that had belonged to my grandma. I don’t really wear it much because I’m so scared of losing it or breaking it.

What is your favourite colour? Pink

What is your favourite food? Lemon cheesecake

What, if anything, do you like to read? I like thriller novels, and I love a good romance one too.

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit? Don’t smoke, occasionally drink, and I’ve never taken drugs. I’ve never been interested in smoking or drugs, and I can definitely say that I never will be.

How do you spend a typical Saturday night? Sprawled out on top of Henry, forcing him to watch Dirty Dancing for the hundredth time. If Finley is out then we’d probably spend all night having sex, I’m not gonna lie.

What makes you laugh? Stupid things like people falling over - as long as they don’t actually get hurt. Successfully winding Henry up makes me laugh to.

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself? I’d probably be boring and just read a book or do a puzzle or something. 

How do you deal with stress? I’d like to think I deal with it pretty well. My job is quite stress-filled, but I try to stay as calm as possible. Freaking out isn’t going to do anyone any good.

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan? A bit of both. I like to be organised in life, but I don’t want to plan every second of every day out. I need some spontaneity for life to be exciting.

What are your pet peeves? Anything unhygienic is a no-no for me. Like people who don’t wash their hands? Gross.

Part 7: Self Images And Etc.

What is your greatest strength as a person? I like to think I’m quite resilient and adaptable.

What is your greatest weakness? Always putting everyone else before myself.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? To be a little less argumentative and stubborn.

Are you generally introverted or extroverted? I actually think I’m a healthy mix of both. Maybe a tad more extroverted.

Are you generally organised or messy? Always organised.

Do you like yourself? Mostly, yeah.

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? I’ve sort of already achieved my main goal in life. I always wanted to have a family of my own and I have that. If it got a little bigger then I wouldn’t mind that, but I’m not sure if that will happen.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Dealing with a terrible teenager.

If you could choose, how would you want to die? Peacefully, in my sleep, when I’m very very old.

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? Being a good mom. Helping people as much as I could. Drinking way too much coffee.

What three words best describe your personality? Affectionate, protective, intelligent.

What three words would others probably use to describe you? Stubborn, dramatic, smothering.

[xuxikook]

Tell Me You Love Me • Taeyong

Pairing: Taeyong X Reader

Summary: In which a newly opened bar opened around town and college student’s seem to want to go in the weekend.

Genre: Fluff

Words: 4100+

( A/n: Reposted from old account x )

You looked around the cafeteria and your eyes landing on your usual table where Taeyong was sitting down, eating, while playing with his phone. Too busy to mind everyone else in the room.

You walked over to him with a smile on your face, excited to sit once again with Taeyong after a long day of being separated from him due to the difference of your classes. None of it some way does not match the same.

"Hey!" you excitedly greeted and as expected he continued on playing on his phone ignoring your presence. His face was blank, showing no emotion, as he match the level of his phone with his eyes glued to the bright screen of his phone.

You liked Taeyong, A lot, Even though he always gives you that cold vibe and not bothering to accept your single Hi at times. It sucked but some how, your feelings seem to grow each day passes.

It wasn't new. You've been dealing with it since you met him back in grade school. He would always have that cold vibe with him around you.

And somehow until college, he's still the same, nothing seemed to changed in those times you two would would spend time together.

But somehow, you liked him. You liked Taeyong. Since you were young knew Taeyong didn't know how to express his feelings in anyway. Your mom have taught you that not everyone can express their feelings really well, that's why in such young age you already understood why Taeyong would feel that way.

Kids in class would ofter over look him and ignore him and you were that kid that would always invite him to sit next to you in classes and lunch breaks. You would often invite to birthday parties you were invited in even though your friends wont invite him because they don't feel like Taeyong was their friend to begin with.

Taeyong was also your neighbor and was like a brother you grew up with, But you don't see him as your brother. You see him as someone special, who you grew to have a soft spot for.

Your mom and his mom started to grow closer and closer, when they moved next door, like they've known each other for years which leads to them sometimes thinking that their children, the both of you, would end up marrying each other.

They would often tease you two which probably leads to you realizing that you like him too when you felt your self blushing from time to time.

When his parents started a business when he was nine his parents would leave him all alone, with a babysitter, as they travel away to another place for their business plans and such things.

His mom would always ask your mom a favor on checking on how Taeyong was doing, or would babysit him on somedays when she's free giving his babysitter a break from time to time.

For some reason, Taeyong started to feel upset and probably felt unaccepted in his family since he started to grow up alone. Having no siblings or such made it worse for him.

Junior 3 was the time he started to act like he doesn't care about anything. He started became quiet and started to focus on his goals only which only includes on him getting high marks.

You knew Taeyong can do anything he focus himself into, it was a thing of him that you've always wanted since you would always get distracted in between.

People called him as the cold grim reaper. Who doesn't care about anything but his mission. He would just do whatever he wanted to do and wouldn't bother anyone else. Quietly and silently..

Taeyong does simple things making you like him. There were times where he would come to your house (because your mom would ask him to) only to see you asleep on the table on top of an algebra book in the living room's table in the middle of the day, trying to do the homework you were given.

He would see a couple of papers you would crumple up because it wasn't right. He would take a paper and write down the answer with the proper formula and an explanation on how to do it.

You would wake up and see a paper kept under your bowl of nuts that you usually would eat because you read online that it can help you be smart or remember things.

You read the paper and tried to understand all of the things written. You knew it came from Taeyong. You knew how neat his handwriting would be when he writes unlike his hand writing when you were in grade school.

You would try to study it and always fail to understand it because no matter what. You just sucked at algebra.

There were also times where he would help you grab something from high places and times where he would let you ride at the back of his motorcycle on the way home and dropping by a tteokbokki stand to grab a snack that you like.

It was those little things that made you like him.

Soon you heard loud voices chatting with each other getting closer to your seat. You looked back and saw that your friends walking over with tray in their hands with the food they've been thinking about since the morning after discovering the menu for today.

"Hey babe," Lucas flirtly said- jokingly as he sat beside you. It was a thing of his. Flirting with you was somehow became a habit of his.

You knew Lucas liked you. He confessed to you during high school graduation. But when you told him that you only like Taeyong he was fine with it and was cool with it when you two decided to just be friends.

You took a glance up to Taeyong to see if he's seeing this but as always. He doesn't care and decided to focus on his phone.

"Babe my ass," you commented to Lucas words making him laugh.

"A lot of girls wants to be with me but you're just here, everyday, dumping me." He said- letting out a pout, you let out a laugh, "you know why."

"Boring." He groaned as the same words repeated in his head, "I can be your boyfriend anytime you want though."

He said taking a peck on your cheek before standing up running away, back to the cashier to get a soft drink to drink.

"Yah! Disgusting." You said wiping your cheeks. Jungwoo looked at you with awe on his face as he watched what just happened.

"Aww~" he giggled, the other guys faked cough and cringe. Taeyong looked up from his phone when he heard a kiss sound. He stared at you and you looked at him and smiled, finally seeing him notice you're here for the past five minutes.

He looked back to his phone and started playing with it once again ignoring everyone else in the table, not even acknowledging the fact that his friends had come.

"I'm back." Lucas came back with a soda and a chocolate milk box that you always order, dropping it in front of your tray. A huge smile on your face as you realize the box.

"Aww~ thank you." You said as you quickly grabbed it poking in the straw on its proper place. "No worries, anything for you."

He flashed you a smile as he sat back to his seat beside you. They started to talk about what they wanna do this weekend and such plans were starting to be planned.

"But aren't we going to that newly opened bar around the corner tonight?" Jaehyun asked the younger guy beside you. Lucas thought for a while trying to remember something before saying, "oh yeah."

"You're going to a bar?" You asked him and he nodded his head smiling. "Wanna come. Be my date?"

"Pfft. Is it necessary to have a date in a bar?" You scoffed as you put a cut of meat on Taeyong's plate knowing he likes it.

"Well the guys are going with a date tonight, and I don't have any. So be my date?" He asked you giving you a sneaky smile, trying to pursue you to say yes.

"What? You guys have a date?" You asked raising an eyebrow at the other guys and they all nodded to you.

The Wong Yukhei? One of the most popular guy in the campus, doesn't have a date?

"Yes. Do you think we're losers who doesn't have any one to go with?" Doyoung said taking a sip of his drink before letting out a scoff at your question.

"No. I guess the loser here is you." You blurted out facing Lucas on your right. He looked at you and pouted at your answer.

"That’s why you, Ms. Y/n should be my date." He said and you rolled your eyes. "Please Y/n?"

He asked once again and started making cute faces, trying his best to convince you. You looked at him and laugh when he started making weird faces to make you laugh.

He asked once again the same question and you laughed shaking your head off saying, "whatever."

You looked up not expecting to face Taeyong looking at your two before drifting his eyes somewhere far and back to his phone.

You walked home quietly, as always, with Taeyong as you start playing on the side walk, walking on the tiles only stepping on the boxes trying not to step on the corners.

You started skipping some as Taeyong walked quietly beside you his hands on his varsity team jacket, that the school had provided them for joining the team, as the wind blew cold air.

You stopped what you were doing and walked along with Taeyong. Admiring him for a while as he stares straight ahead coldly.

"So.. are you going to go with anyone tonight?" You asked him as you carry your backpack with one strap hanging on your left shoulder. You locked your hands together as you walk trying to warm yourself up due to the cold hitting your body.

Forgetting your school coat in fall season was one of the thing you regret today other than waking up late and getting punished by your class teacher.

"No." He said rather coldly. His eyes still staring straight ahead not bothering to look at you.

"Oh. Do you plan on going with anyone?" You asked, hoping he'd say no. Its not like he said yes before. But its good to be sure.

"No."

"No." You repeated, nodding your head as you walk. You brought up your hands close to your mouth and start blowing warm breath on it trying to pass the warm of your breath to your body.

Taeyong stopped in his tracks and so did you. You looked at him confused since you guys still have about 4 minutes walk till you two reach home.

"Why'd you stop?" You asked him. He started to take off his varsity jacket and handed it to you. Not saying a word. Before continue walking.

You stood still in your place. Shocked about what happened. You stared at whats in your hand to see your school color and your school varsity written in the back.

It was one of Taeyong's favorite Varsity jacket. He always wear it in school and takes a good care of it.

You smiled brightly as you realize what was in your hand. You smiled hard like an idiot as you quickly wore it and ran beside Taeyong.

He took a glance over you to see if you got what he wanted you to do, and he did what he was expecting.

His jacket was over your small body reaching down until your butt showing the height difference between you and him. The length of the sleeve hides your small hands.

You notice that he took a glance of you before curving his lips into a small smile for two seconds. You smiled to yourself as you saw him smile which was a rare occasion for you.

"Did you just smile?" You asked him and let out a giggle. He looked at you strange.

"No."

"Yes you did!" You said as you smiled brightly beside him, ready to tease him more.

"No. I didn't."

"No point of lying. I saw you curving your lips."

"You don't know what you're talking about Y/n." He said as he walk a bit faster than you. You looked at him and shook your head.

You started getting ready for this party of Lucas and wore a dress that you're ready to sacrifice if anyone accidentally pours alcohol on you.

It was a rare case for you since you don't really wonder around the party cause you don't really wanna deal with drunk underage students who somehow had their ways to get in.

You usually just go to these parties that your friends hold just to keep them from doing things that they'll obviously regret first thing tomorrow when they wake up.

Luckily your parents weren't home for the whole weekend meaning you didn't have to be back on their set curfew.

Your phone vibrated snapping you from looking at yourself from the mirror.

WongYukhei:

I'm already outside of your house beautiful date :*

You shook your head to your flirty friend before grabbing your stuff heading outside to find Lucas leaning on his black matte car that he cherish the most watching you as you lock the door behind you.

"Did you really have to pick me up? I mean I can just go with Taeyong." You suggested as you walked over to him and he smiled at you, shaking his head.

"This is the first and probably the last time you're gonna be my date so it's better to have a good start then end it on a bad one." He said. You laughed at him knowing his hobby every time you guys are at the party.

Lucas would always come with you guys and leave you all in the middle of the party to dance or play around or whatever he wants to do tonight.

So you're not really expecting much from him being by your side the whole party. Its not like you were his girlfriend to begin with. He doesn't really have a reason to stay with you tonight.

"I could've just gone with Taeyong you know?"

"No need. No need." He said shushing you, "I'm here."

You saw Taeyong walked out of his house with a leather jacket on and watch him walk over his most beloved motorbike.

You looked at him and Lucas followed your gazed before calling him out.

"Taeyong Hyung! Want a lift?" Taeyong looked at the younger guy first. Confused on why he's in the area, when he lived far from you two. He looked beside to the person beside him to see that Lucas had come to pick you up.

He shook his head before taking his helmet from his bike, getting on and driving away to the party. Leaving you two alone without any words.

The newly opened bar is not that big nor is it small. It was a place that can hold up at least 150-200 people. Nothing big, nothing too special that what the guys would usually bring you.

But you liked it compared to the other bars you guys have been to. It had a cozy new seats so that’s something nice to sit at while they're all drunk dancing with someone.

Lucas was with you on the first hour, which you appreciated, before leaving when the guys had called him out to dance on the dance floor. You were left in the booth and was drinking silently while watching the guys dance their heart out on the dance floor.

You looked to the left and saw Taeyong on the other corner of the seat drinking his drink quietly watching the dance floor. You smiled to your self and was about to move closer to him when suddenly your wrist was grabbed by someone.

You looked up and saw a bit tipsy Lucas smiling at you, "Hey y/n wanna dance?"

Its not like you had a choice anyways, Lucas quickly grabbed you and pulled you to the dance floor and started dancing which made you laugh on how goofy and funny he was dancing.

"Is that suppose to attract me?" You joked and he laughed along the loud beat of the music. "Is it not working?"

He laughed and you giggled shaking your head. "No."

"Are you enjoying it?" He asked as you two dance closely to one another but still leaving some space. His hot breath was touching your ear as he talks to you up close so that you can hear him.

"Babysitting you guys? I guess so." You joked and he cackled as well as he bounce along the beat.

You watch as Johnny dance on the dance floor with all his heart. Along side of him was Taeil who was waving his body like crazy. You laughed at him because it was just too weird and adorable at the same time.

"He's admiring you," Lucas lips came close to your ear to whisper. You frown rose an eyebrow and looked around. Who's admiring who?

"Who?" You asked bitting your lower lip, your eyes landing on each person that was visible. The bar was dim so you can't really point out who he's talking about. It annoyed you a little because taking care of these children were hard without you being able to see them.

"Taeyong." You rose an eyebrow and looked at Taeyong's direction only to see him checking out one of the girls at the bar as he sips his drink.

"Pfft, don't get my hopes high, Wong. I might actually think he really is." You laughed at his ear, giving him a half hearted smile as you pull away.

He let out a chuckled when your focus came back to him. His smile was beautiful and you know why a lot of girls would flirt with him every now and then. Even when you had entered the bar, the amount of girls giving him looks. Oh God, it was like you weren't locked arms with him when you entered in.

"Of course.. he drifted his focus somewhere when you looked." Lucas disappointly said as he frown a little, looking at your eyes. Your eyes were sparkling as he stare at them as the moving light moving around hitting your eyes once in a while.

"I don't believe it liar." You teased and He laughs leaning closer to you, suddenly his lips were pressed on your soft own.

You stood straight, shocked. Your eyes were wide open, not blinking as you feel his soft lips against you. Your face were red and your body was paralyzed on the unexpected occasion that is happening at the moment.

You tried to put your hands on Lucas shoulder to push him away. Trying to remind him that he's drunk when a hand suddenly wrapped around your wrist pulling you away from the dancing crowd.

You looked up and saw Taeyong pulling you behind him. Going to the booth taking his coat before aiming to pulling you out of the bar.

You had no idea what was happening. Why is Taeyong pulling you when before he would try his best to distant himself from your touch.

You looked behind and saw Lucas smirking, saluting you, like he planned this, before dancing with Johnny weirdly.

You gasped when the cold wind suddenly hits your skin, regretting that you wore a short sleeve clothing like the winter is not coming soon.

"Where are you taking me?" You asked the guy in front of you, not bothering about the cold that's basically freezing your body. but all you got was silence. No reply.

You swallowed excessively before speaking up once again,

"Yah Lee Taeyong!" You called out and he suddenly stopped at his track dropping your wrist. He turned around to face you and wrapped his leather jacket, that he was holding, around you to keep you warm.

Without saying any word, He turned around and went back walking to where he parked his motorbike at.

Which was usually far away from the bar to keep away the drunk people from coming to his bike and scratching it.

"Yah Lee Taeyong aren't you gonna stop?" Again. The blow of the wind was the only thing you got. You started getting irritated and annoyed on why would he suddenly pull you out to the cold without any reason.

"LEE TAEYONG I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING ANYMORE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" You screamed at him. Your face was red from the cold and the frustration that's getting over you.

"I LIKE YOU OKAY?" He suddenly shouted to your face, blurting out what he was feelinga as he turned around. You froze on your place at his words and stared at him. His eyes got soft when his eyes met yours, from the frustration he was keeping in. It quickly Faded.

You were shocked, and he was equally shock as well. You could see it from his eyes that he wasn't expecting it as well.

You smiled brightly at his suddenly confession. Your body getting soft as you realize what he had just said. He suddenly turned around walking to his bike which you realize was closer than ever. He quickly got on his bike while you were still standing in your place smiling brightly than ever before.

He glanced at you before getting on it driving away. You stayed at your place still smiling like crazy. You looked crazy for other people. Literally crazy, a girl wrapped in a guy's leather jacked in the middle of the night. Smiling like a psycho.

"He'll confess to me and leave me alone. what a gentleman." You mumbled to your self. Smiling as you looked up the street lights, the stars above and you smile. You smiled to yourself.

"Hey my beautiful date that was taken away! A ride?" You turned to your left and saw Lucas sitting on the driver seat driving his car slowly beside you.

"Whatever your plan was. It worked." You laughed at him and he cheered and 'Oh yeah!' in his car as you get in.

You turned around after getting all the food you wanted on your tray. Walking your way to your normal place where you and your friends would go and eat.

You saw Taeyong as always, already sitting down on his seat tapping on his phone just like any other day. You smiled to yourself before sitting on the opposite of him.

"Hi"

You smiled hugely as you tease the guy in front of you. You pushed your tray further trying to place your elbows on the table. Resting your head on the palm of your hand. Smiling at him.

He looked up to you and his face was shocked. Like he didn't know that you sit at the opposite of him always. You raised your eyebrows up and down. Teasing him.

"So last night?" You teased.

You never thought that Taeyong will actually like you back. You've been trying to flirt with him for ages now, but he always, always, give you that cold shoulder. Showing you that you got no chance or whatsoever with him.

But he did. He confessed, and that one sided love that you thought will stay forever was different now. It was now mutual.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh so you're still back to being you. I see." you hummed the last part, before speaking again.

"I guess you're a jealous type. You pulled me quickly away from Lucas before I can even." You said. Teasing him. He smacked his lips together, dropping his phone beside his tray, picking up a meat bag with his chopsticks.

"I don't know what you're saying."

"Aw that's sad- Cause I still remember what you said-" You stopped yourself when Taeyong looked up to you. You smiled brightly at him.

"I don't remember." You smiled at him, you rose an eyebrow when an idea popped up in your mind.

"Oh well- I decided maybe it's the time, I should move on from you." You said and Taeyong went and gave his focus back to his food but never actually picking up anything from the tray.

A person sat on your left as always with his tray and his chocolate milk that he always gets for you.

"I should just date Lucas. What'd you think?" You asked him and he looked up to you and glared.

You smiled brightly at him.

You knew from last night it was a start of something new for you and him. It was like another door opened for the both of you.

Your one sided love wasn't one sided anymore. It was mutual between you two.

and it was great start.

A great start of something new.

[xxfanfiction-emo-trinityxx]

Love is Love - Gerard Way x Reader

Request: I need,,,, more Punk!Gerard in my life,,,, okay but seriously- can I request a Punk!Gerard fic? Also can the reader be male and can it be angst?? Thankies bro!! Take your time on it!!!!

Reader: male

Warnings: homophobic slurs, Spoiler Alert for ‘Love Simon’

Word count: 3 424

A/N: I watched ‘Love Simon’ (so spoiler alert) a while ago and got seriously upset about his friends’ behavior after he got outed. And I wanted to put things right in a way, because there has to be some weird shit going on with me if I don’t befriend the forcibly outed kid when I notice none of their friends are around.

Your eyes flickered over the screen again and again, not able to believe what you were reading. You reloaded the page, just to be sure, but the black letters were still clearly being displayed on the school’s anonymous confession website.

“Gerard Way is a fag”

You were not sure which part of the statement was disturbing you the most. Obviously this was not the way someone wanted to come out. You would not want to come out like that at least. So someone had outed this boy, probably without his consent. Someone who was, judging by the word they had chosen, homophobic.

It was no secret that your school was not the most LGBT+ friendly ground in town, but it still disgusted you. And then there was that name. You had never really talked to Gerard before, but you knew he was in art class with one of your friends. Apparently he was pretty good a drawing. And he would definitely not have been on top of your ‘who might be gay but not out’-list. You did not really have a list, neither on paper nor in your mind, but Gerard really was not within the first twenty names you would have said if someone had asked you who you thought was gay on your school. Of course you could not just look at people and tell if they were homosexual, but being gay yourself, you would have expected some sort of instinct or something kick in. Apparently not.

Anyway, Gerard was one of the lonely punk students at your school. You knew he had a brother, Mikey, but he was younger and not yet on the same school, his friend Ray had moved away before summer break and other than him you had never seen anyone talk to Gerard.

You wondered if he knew. Did he just sit in front of his laptop, like you? Was his heart beating faster, his chest imploding, tears falling down his cheeks? You knew that would be your reaction if someone outed you, especially like that.  ‘Gerard Way is a faggot’, who would write, say, or even think something like that? Had people no respect for each other? Why could some people not just accept that love is love? On the other hand, you knew why you were not out. Because there were too many people who were not tolerant, and you were not even sure if your friends would have your back.

~*~

You had kind of hoped that Gerard’s sexuality would not be topic number one when you walked to school with your friends on the first day of the new school year. But the post was barely a week old, and people were too excited to see Gerard, now that they knew this thing about him, that seemed to change the way they looked at him. Idiots.

The lunch room was as crowded as you remembered. People pushed around and tried to get their favorite spots in the room. You sat at a table close to the door, a warm breeze of late summer air blowing past your bare arms.  

“Okay, but seriously? I always thought something was weird about him,” your friend Gina declared, placing her tablet down next to yours and sliding into the bench, her knee brushing against yours.

“But he a girlfriend last year, right,” Paul, another one of your friends replied, making space for Mark, the fourth in the group.

“Imagine how she must be feeling right now,” he said, looking across the hall to where the girl was sitting.

“Imagine how he must be feeling right now,” you answered, not being able to stay quiet any longer. “Imagine some ass posts something so personal about you, how would you feel?”

Your blood was boiling, had been since you had seen that post last week, but within the last hours, you really, really had gotten very angry. Especially at whoever had submitted that post. And since the submission box of the website posted automatically, no one had checked it before it had been thrown out there, probably ruining this poor boys holiday, if not even high school time.

“It’s something people deserve to know though,” Mark shrugged.

“Deserve? What’s wrong with you man,” you wanted to jump up, shout, shake some sense into your friend, but you had to stay calm. “What next? Should everyone wear a sign around their neck, saying ‘straight’, or ‘gay’ or ‘bi’ or ‘pan’ or whatever?”

“Well, he’s just trying to say it’s not normal,” Paul jumped in, making you even angrier.

“Normal? Of course it’s normal, it’s love. Love’s normal. It’s just not as common,” you argued. Shit, you were seriously upset now. You felt personally attacked. And how should you not? They were basically insulting you. They just did not know it.

“It’s just a little freakish,” Gina said, definitely not helping.

“Freakish, how can-“

In that moment all noise around you stopped. People grew quiet and the white noise of clicking forks against porcelain faded, everyone staring at the door. Confused you turned around as well, and were met with the sight of a very pale Gerard Way. His long, black hair fell into his eyes, his shoulders were slumped and his black jacket was pulled tightly around his body, like a shield. He looked so lost and even a little scared, it broke your heart. And for the first time you noticed how pretty he actually was. It was a macabre beauty, dark circles under his eyes, greasy hair, looking a like a beaten dog, but he was beautiful. He would probably look breathtaking if he had a good night’s sleep, a little bit of sunlight, and a shower. You wondered what his smile looked like, if his eyes would sparkle along, before realizing that now was probably one of the worst moments to realize you had just started crushing on him. After all you just had a discussion about homophobia with your friends.

About a hundred pairs of eyes followed the pale boy as he walked over to the serving counter and paid for a plate with pasta. Slowly the conversations started picking back up, but your eyes still followed Gerard. He looked around for a moment before sitting at the end of a table, a few seat away from a group of seniors. They stuck their heads together, before they all got up, carrying their full tablets to the next table. You wanted to run over and scream at them, but you stayed seated, instead just throwing another glance at Gerard. His head hung low, hair covering his face. And then you realized he was alone. No one sat with him. No one was there to talk to him, to comfort him.

“Look who’s in the house! It’s our faggot!” someone, doubtlessly one of the brainless jocks, screamed through the room, earning laughs left and right. Even your three friends laughed. “Wanna suck my dick?”

Enough was enough, you decided. Without another word, ignoring the questions of your friends, you got up and grabbed your tablet. Your mind was clouded with rage as you walked over to the almost empty table. Only the loud slamming of your plastic tablet against the table pulled you back into reality.

Gerard’s head shot up at the noise, wide, hazel eyes staring up at you in fear. You ignored him and sat down in front of him, continuing your lunch without a word. When he was still staring at you after almost a minute you looked up.

“This seat is not taken, is it,” you asked, lifting your eyebrows.

A smile tucked at Gerard’s lips. Holy shit, he looked beautiful when he smiled.

“It is now,” he answered, his cheeks hinting at a tinge of pink.

“Good,” you said, smiling back at him before you continued eating.

~*~

You only realized that you had not thought of the consequences of your actions during the following days. After you had had lunch in silence, you finally started talking to Gerard, about art and music, about your families, about anything but his sexuality or his outing. And you noticed how much you had in common, yet how different you were.

During the following days, you started to hang out more with Gerard, during school, and after school. And what else would you have expected than an increasing number of homophobic slurs being thrown your way. Of course everyone assumed you were gay now, just because you hung out with someone who was. They were not wrong, but the rudeness, the unacceptance, the brutality of their words hurt you more than you wanted to admit to yourself.

So you stayed strong, during school at least. Gerard had it a lot worse than you, so you stayed strong for him. He sometimes told you to stay away from him, for your own sake, but you just laughed at that.

In fact it turned out that it had become impossible for you to stay away from him. A force stronger than gravity drew you towards him, and while you tried to convince yourself that you were not already head over heels for the dark haired punk, deep down you knew that that was a lie.

 So you found yourself lying awake at night. The insults of the day made your throat tighten, your eyes burn and your heart heavy, but then you remembered Gerard, looked at the glowing display of your mobile portraying his profile picture, and you knew it was worth it.

It was yet another sleepless night, the bright screen of your mobile illuminating your face, when suddenly the door to your room slowly opened. You sat up in your bed, trying to spy through the darkness.

“(Y/n), are you still awake,” you heard the familiar voice of your mother whisper.

“Yeah, you can come in,” you answered, turning on the light on your bedside table.

Your mother was living alone with you in the small house, and judging by the time your alarm clock displayed she had just come home from her shift in the hospital where she worked as a nurse.

“Everything okay, dear,” she asked, stepping into the room. Doubtlessly she had noticed your red eyes as she strode over to the bed and sat down on the blanket next to you.

“Yeah- I mean… not really, it’s just-“ you took a deep breath. You had thought these words through countless times, always thought how you wanted to come out to her, when, with which words. “Did I tell you about Gerard?”

“He’s a new friend of yours, right,” she recalled correctly.

“Yes, he- ahm… he’s gay, you know,” you carefully watched your mother’s expression as you told her about Gerard’s sexuality, but she just listened without showing any sign of emotional reaction. “He got outed during the last week of holidays, and… well, school’s pretty much hell for him right now.”

She nodded understandingly.

“The first day after holidays, he was sitting alone at lunch, and literally everyone stared at him, or talked about how being gay is freakish, and I just got… so… angry. So I went to sit with him, and yeah, that’s how I know him.”

“That was nice of you, I’m sure he’s glad to have you,” you mother told you, gently patting your arm when she noticed how upset you were about that topic.

“But since we started hanging out… people… they think I’m gay too, and I get all these insults and all this… I don’t even know what to call it… hate? I walk through a corridor, and people just yell stuff, so Gerard asked me to stop hanging out with him, so I wouldn’t get… you know, hurt,” you stuttered. You didn’t want to stop hanging out with Gerard, you didn’t want to stop being friends with him. You wanted to get to know him better, you wanted to be closer to him, you wanted so much more than just friendship, but he tried to push you away. And you had to share your thoughts with someone, and your mother was the best choice for that, at least at the moment. But first of all you had to tell her something else, something that was bigger than the thing with Gerard.

Your mother was still thinking about your words, quietly nodding when you continued, your throat tight, your voice wet from tears.

“I’m in love with him,” you confessed, biting your lip so it would not quiver, “I’m in love with Gerard, mum. And I’ve been in love with other boys before. I’m, I’m-“

You couldn’t say it. Something inside you fought against that word, that label. Love is love, why did you have to label yourself?

“You are my son,” your mother finished the sentence for you. “You are my son and you are beautiful and perfect and I feel very honored that you talk to me about these things.”

She wrapped her arms around you, pulling you into an embrace. Her shirt still smelled of the disinfectant of the hospital, a smell that reminded you of your childhood. She patted your back for a while, whispering how proud she was of you.

“So…” you pulled away, your face heated from crying, your eyes burning and your voice hoarse. “About Gerard, what do you think should I do?”

“What do you want to do,” your mother asked back.

You watched her, expected her to look differently at you now that you had come out, like all the people looked differently at Gerard now. But she just looked at you like she always had, with so much love in her eyes, the way only a mother can look at you.

“I want to be with him,” you told her, and you really, really wanted to be with him.

“Then tell him, tell him exactly that,” she smiled and patted your knee while you nodded.

“You knew, didn’t you,” you suddenly realized. “You knew I’m into boys.”

A mysterious smile played around her lips. “Not really, I suspected it sometimes.”

~*~

For the first time in this school year you felt actually confident when you entered the school building. You would tell Gerard how you felt about him, that you wanted him to be your boyfriend, to be his boyfriend. If he said no? Okay, not cool, but you could deal with that. You wouldn’t just leave him alone in the mess that he was in due to him being outed. You would stay by his side, if he wanted that. And if he felt the same way? Then you would probably die of a heart attack, but that would be worth it.

You had showered and put on your favorite deodorant, your worn out Smashing Pumpkins shirt and some comfortable jeans. You felt ready to deal with whatever fate threw your way. Until you reached Gerard’s locker.

Black spray paint letters spelled out the words ‘fag’ and ‘cocksucker’. You wanted to vomit. For a while you stood next to Gerard who stared at his locker in silence. At first you felt paralyzed. You wanted to wish the slurs away, wanted to rip the door of the locker off and beat these bastards up with it, you wanted to delete all memory of this from Gerard’s brain. But none of this was within the range of your capacity, so once you had stared at the locker for long enough, you grabbed Gerard’s wrist and dragged him to the director’s office.

It turned out to be a long conversation. The director listened to your story, which you told from the beginning, just to make sure he understood everything. Gerard just sat in his chair, head hanging low, wishing to be invisible. Then the director made Gerard tell his side of the story. The man in the big chair said some well-meant words of encouragement and told you that there was nothing he could do.

You stared at him disbelievingly.

“Are you seriously telling me that you can do nothing against bullies who insult and hurt and mentally scar one of your students,” you asked, totally forgetting who you were talking to.

“You don’t say it, maybe not even think it consciously, but somewhere inside this messed up brain of yours there is this rule that states that homosexuals, probably transgender kids as well, are worth less than your ‘normal, everyday’ student” you drew the quotation marks into the air. “You know who was gay? Oskar Wilde, and you teach his literature in school. You know who else was gay? Alan Turing, the father of modern computers. Hell, Turing even killed himself because of the way society treated him. And now everyone pities him. Do you really want to be the kind of person who tells a kid they’re sick, or a freak or whatever fucked up insult your mind comes up with? Do you want to be the one who stands in front of the world, declaring love is wrong? Because that’s all it is, love. Being gay is loving, being bi is loving, being lesbian is loving! It’s just the ‘wrong gender’ you love. Wrong the fuck! It’s society that’s wrong if they think love can ever be wrong. Not talking about pedophiles or the fucked up abusive kind of love, I’m talking about mutual love. And maybe it hasn’t come to your notice yet, but if you think discriminating against gays is some hip trend, then surprise! It’s not and your views are obsolete. The UK, Germany, Australia, Sweden, France, countless other countries, do you know what they have in common? Same sex marriages are legalized. The states too, by the way. Because these governments seem to get what neither you, nor your homophobic student body, get: that it’s just love after all, and that’s the bloody truth!”

There was a stunned silence after you had spoken, and for a moment you were afraid that you would get suspended or something, but then the director nodded and agreed before promising he would take care of the matter.

When you were finally out of the stuffy office, standing in an empty corridor, you took a deep breath. You could feel Gerard’s eyes on you, so you looked over at him.

“Those were some pretty powerful words in there,” he complimented with a smirk, a smirk that was so soft and gentle and adoring that you wanted to kiss him here on the spot.

“Thanks,” you smiled.

“It almost sounded like… please don’t take this the wrong way, like you knew what you were talking about.”

“Being afraid of getting hurt for loving someone of the same gender,” you wondered and he nodded. “Well… let’s say it was pretty easy since the person I love sat right next to me.”

Gerard’s eyes widened for a moment as he realized the meaning of your words and he gasped for air.

“You, you are… you-“ A smile brighter than any you had seen before spread over his face, lighting up the whole room.

“I’m gonna kiss you now, if that’s okay,” you told him, unable to keep your own grin under control.

When Gerard nodded furiously, you gently took his face into your hands and pressed your lips against his. They were soft, tasted a bit of Tabaco and coffee. Your heart was hammering in your chest and you were running out of breath faster than you liked. Your head was spinning and you hoped that holding onto Gerard’s face was enough to keep you standing. When you pulled away, he chuckled slightly.

“Technically I was sitting on your left,” he whispered into your ear.

Confused you turned your head to look at him, almost forgetting what you wanted to say as you met his beautiful, shining eyes.

“What?”

“You said ‘the person you love sitting right next to you’, but I sat on your left,” he winked.

“Idiot,” you giggled, gently nudging his shoulder, “you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah I do,” Gerard agreed, sounding incredibly pleased knowing that his feelings were being returned.

In that moment the bell rang and you heard chairs being moved around on the floor, and chatter growing louder behind the still closed doors.

Warm, soft fingers intertwined with yours, making your heart flutter.

“Shall we,” Gerard asked.

You leant forward, pressing your lips against his again quickly before the first doors flung open and revealed you to the rest of the students.

“Yeah, let’s show ‘em how it’s done.”