#and he is mad about it EVERY TIME

[ennvisin]

My Hazbin brainrot of the day is about Valentino producing shitty low budget holiday themed pornos for a quick buck.

Just imagine; Val's latest impromptu film is called "Thanksgiving Turkey GETS STUFFED!" and stars Angel Dust as the 'main course' of the meal. It's literally just an object insertion porn where Angel is trussed up in rope, and filled with increasingly bigger and bigger dildos. Once Angel has been stretched so wide that he can be fisted, a group of demons dressed up as chefs is brought on set. The film climaxes with Angel getting gangfucked, and creampied until he is so full of cum his stomach has a visible bulge.

The film is an INSTANT hit, and Val makes MILLIONS in profit.

[fairsweetlonging]

truth serum / system reveal au where shen qingqiu gets hit with an uncloaking spell that reveals the system in the reflection of his eyes every time it pops up.

during one of his missions, in the treasure hoard of some dragon-like creature, he finds a golden, oval shaped hand mirror, its gaudy style more victorian based than anything (airplane you hack!), that doesn't seem to do anything when he looks into it. but when he does, it reveals the system's screen in his eyes.

he doesn't notice this, of course, because he can't see it, and the system, surprisingly, stays quiet.

the peak lords think he's cursed.

maybe mu qingfang is the first to notice, during the mandatory post mission check-up, when shen qingqiu is scrolling through his most recently accumulated points and mu qingfang can see the strange vividly-blue lines reflected in his pupils. it's gone when shen qingqiu blinks, like it was nothing but a trick of the light.

it comes out when yue qingyuan is visiting and, just as he's done laying out the plans for a new mission, shen qingqiu's eyes glaze over and a bright blue box takes over the whole of his iris. shen qingqiu goes quiet; the thing in his eyes moves, shifts, pulses for a second, like static worms crawling all over his pupils. then he blinks, and it's gone, and shen qingqiu accepts the mission that yue qingyuan was almost sure he would decline.

maybe there is an intervention, when the peak lords corner shen qingqiu at qian cao peak and try to figure out what's wrong, subjecting him to all kinds of treatments and curse-finding spells that turn up empty, they can't find anything.

of course, the silencing threat is still very much up and running. at first shen qingqiu was kind of confused by the whole ordeal, but when the peak lords start describing a "strange blue box", he realizes, with sickening suddenty, that they're describing the system. and he can't say anything.

this only makes everything worse, because their fellow peak lord now keeps evading every question and acts like he doesn't understand. liu qingge points right at his face and asks, "that blue box, what is it?" and shen qingqiu laughs nervously and starts talking about how bright the weather is and surely it's the sky and nothing to worry about!

even worse, during the intervention the system thought it was a good idea to start talking to him, so now even the peak lords who hadn't seen it and who might have been persuaded by light tricks and reflections, get a first row view that no, that definitely isn't a trick of the light.

they try to do the whole thing of "are you in danger, blink twice" but shen qingqiu can't even do that because it's still a direct admittance!

maybe eventually he starts saying vague confirmations that don't actually confirm anything, like "this master hears what you're saying", or maybe he goes with a classic "this master can neither confirm nor deny that." but the system starts warning him for that too and eventually he stops saying anything, which worries the others more.

luckily mu qingfang catches on that every time they ask a direct question about the box or shen qingqiu says anything vaguely confirming, it appears. it doesn't appear when they ask about curses or demons, so it must not see that as a threat.

for a little extra angst: maybe the peak lords keep pressuring him for answers, and at some point shen qingqiu gets fed up and snaps out something like, "why don't you understand that i'm not allowed to answer that!" the system counts this as a direct admittance, threatening it's existence. so it punishes. shen qingqiu has a qi deviation so bad it lasts two weeks and takes two people every day to cleanse his meridians. the system doesn't appear in that time. it doesn't appear for a long while after that, either. the peak lords stop asking, mainly because shen qingqiu will instantly leave the room if they do. they don't stop searching for a cure, though.

shang qinghua returns from a business trip and catches on the second someone mentions a blue box and forced silencing.

[lazylittledragon]

what if i broke all the bones in your legs actually

[blackkatdraws2]

[ORV] been having fun on Magma live art jams lately

[the-woman-upstairs]

Can’t believe all it took for me to care about the MCU again was Yelena getting a super-powered boy toy with crippling depression

[zu-is-here]

During the post dark cream arc where Cross was pregnant with Aim, is it possible for Aim to mive and kick while in the soul…? And if so is it painful for Cross+

continuing @clownyclowns' comic's topic <3

[peace-hunter]

op: "i really don't mind-" zeta: "Do Not enable him"

sort of a sequel to this? a lot of people really wanted op to get a hug and i support that. so does prima. zeta isn't really against it, he just wishes prima would at least try to stick to the schedule for primus' sake-

haunted au

[scliffe]

It makes me giggle every time he acts like this. Why the hell is an invincible demon with supernatural powers so damn smug about being able to fry eggs better than a human—it’s because all those months of training with Ciel fucking paid off and Sebastian is going to flaunt it until the end of times.

[royalarchivist]

Fit: I am not mad, I am just disappointed.

Fit uploaded his (non-spoilery) review of the Minecraft movie earlier today!

[peachjelliedd]

you left me no choice but to stay here forever

[getthembees]

see my thing with batfam fanfiction is i really don’t care that much if cass isn’t involved. sometimes the story someone wants to tell doesn’t involve her, or the cast is becoming too bloated, or she would solve the plot and they can’t figure out how to write around it. whatever. i get it. it’s fanfiction and you’re writing for fun and sometimes you don’t want to write out all the logistics about why cass isn’t there or xyz (although i wish her being in hong kong wasn’t the constant excuse esp when the timeline doesn’t match up). my real problem is when i’m reading a fic and cass actually has a role to play in it and she’s just wildly wildly out of character. Just the same borrowed fanon one dimensional characterization that gets passed around everywhere. I would rather you not include her at that point, if all you know is her watered down fanfic counterparts. Like what’s the point? If you don’t know a lot about the character… why even bother writing her? isn’t that harder for you?

My main frustration is also that cass is probably one of if not the easiest batfam character to start reading. part of that is thanks to stupid Dan Didio for character assassinating her and then shelving her for years but literally you just have to read Batgirl 2000 and you’re pretty much set. It’s one solo comic. It’s also a good solo comic. I’m literally begging you guys to read Batgirl 2000

[backpackingspace]

Odysseus: demanding Athena take off whatever enchantment she put on him the second the situation ends.

Odysseus: who constantly reminds Athena that he has great plans to grow old and die with his wife so don't even think about getting any ideas.

Odysseus: side eye diomedes who has started fucking glowing he has so many enchantments on him: bro you should talk to Athena about getting those removed. You're going to end up immortal or some shit

Diomedes: who has been a solider since he was 5 who has intersting thoughts about his own personhood who has a much more traditional relationship with Athena and would rather literally stab his own eye out with a rusted sword than speak out of turn: I don't know what you're talking about

[sacriou]

Life is short, draw that grieving grown man like a kitty cat.

[campbyler]

i cannot tell you how many times i am walking into or out of work and baby by justin bieber is playing in [redacted], which i believe is my penance for mike and dustin’s 2018 camp whiteman talent show performance that was so bad hopper discontinued the talent show completely

[dykephan]

there are some phandom jokes which seem to actually bother phil but he never says this out loud or expresses insecurity the way dan so readily does, so people just keep making those jokes no matter how unfunny they've become. and the only way you can really tell that they get under his skin is because dan starts being extra sweet and encouraging and/or points the jokes towards himself

[shanastoryteller]

Happy Birthday! Free space if this gets in on time, but either way birthday wishes and thank you so much for all your writings. They're really good and such a bright spot in my day.

Carlton is having a good day up until he sees what’s clearly a civilian’s motorcycle parked in one of the reserved spots. If the state of disrepair didn’t make it obvious, the ACAB bumper sticker stuck on the back certainly did. Oh, he was going to give this asshole the biggest fine he could, and get his bike towed for good measure! The good people of the SBPD are working hard everyday to keep the streets safe and this guy wants to make a mockery of that right in front of them? What a sick bastard.

He stalks inside, face set into a scowl. “McNab!” he shouts, startling the officer who turns from whoever he’d been talking to. “Who the hell’s bike is that out front?”

He looks at him, wide eyed, but then a kid in a leather jacket is stepping out from behind him and clapping him on the shoulder. He’s got on faded jeans, brown boots, and a dark blue henley. He’s a couple days off from a decent shave and Carlton’s not at all surprised when he says, “It’s mine. Sweet ride, right?”

“You can’t park there,” he snaps. “I’m writing you a ticket – McNab, write him a ticket! Now!”

“Uh,” McNab looks between them uncertainly. “But he, you know, um. He can park there, Detective.”

Carlton snarls, “Why the hell do you think that?”

“It’s okay, Buzz,” the kid says, stepping forward and offering his hand to Carlton with a smirk that has him itching for his cuffs. “I’m Shawn Spencer.”

“I don’t care who you are,” he says. “Only police personnel can park in that area.”

Spencer’s grin gets a little wider. 

McNab is honest to god wringing his hands. “Um, Detective, he is. Police personnel, I mean. He’s the new head of Internal Affairs.”

Carlton stares. This has to be some sort of practical joke. “Are you even old enough to have gone through the academy?”

“My youthful appearance is due to my intense moisturizing routine, a zest for life, and my good humor,” he says. “Laughter really is the best medicine.”

“You’re out of dress code,” he says, because most of him is still refusing to believe that this is happening.

“I’ll write myself up for it later,” Spencer says, which is ridiculous, because that’s not an IA issue, it’s an HR one. Which as the head of Internal Affairs, he should know.

He opens his mouth, but whatever he was going to say is interrupted by Chief Vick swooping in, several files held in her hand. “Gentleman. Detective Spencer, my office, now.”

Spencer winks at them. “Buzz. Lassie.”

What the hell did Spencer just call him? Before he’s managed to choke back his outrage, Spencer’s in Chief Vick’s office and McNab is making a hasty retreat.

He stalks over to his desk and Lucinda glances up from her own desk at his approach. She’d left early this morning to go back to her place to shower and change and had been responsible for the good mood he’d been in up until he’d encountered Spencer and his stupid bike. “What happened to you?”

“Nothing,” he says, then, “Did you meet the new internal affairs guy?”

“Shawn? Yeah, he seems nice,” she says, already looking back down at her paperwork.

Nice? Nice?

The day’s just begun and it’s already shot to hell.