#and have her get deadnamed for kinda no reason
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I FUCKING LOVED MASTERMIND HADUFHHDUIDF I HAVE TO RAMBLE ABOUT IT!! SPOILERS LOL
also warning this is long as hell
-Andrealphus's house is surrounded by snow, as is his whole theme. It kinda reminds me of the mythology of hell's frozen center.
-I fucking love stella guys. I'm sorry. I hate her so fucking much and I want to shit on her dreams, and that is EXACTLY why I love her character so much. I'm so glad she's getting more development.
-Andrealphus didn't know about the deal, just that Stolas cheated. So Stella REALLY didn't tell him much.
-I like Andrealphus's peacock theming
-"Now you fucking know!" icon.
-I really like the detail of them using Moxxie and Blitz's mugshots, as well as Millie's wanted poster. It's a really good illustration of how authority figures will do anything they can against minorities, and really pushes the themes of classism and oppression in the show.
-Blitz immediately running to delete his search history, me core.
-He's so scared of going to jail again :(
-"We are going to beat you! But only a little!"
-She's exactly like her fucking dad. She cares SO MUCH deep down, but puts on that 'indifferent asshole' attitude to protect herself.
-"The shredder is jammed!!" D:
-These poor interns
-Blitz, of course, crashes immediately.
-Moxxie uses 'Blitz' instead of 'sir'
-THE MUZZLE. I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF.
-I wanna note as they walk in, Satan is acting in place of lucifer, since he's too busy with the Hotel stuff. He claims he was in hell BEFORE Lucifer, but I take that with a good spoonful of salt.
-"Is this about the orphans?" HUH?
-Dude these motherfuckers keep deadnaming Blitz and it pisses me off! Like I get that's the point but still.
-The sloth and envy sins are here!
-I really like Vassago. It seems like he really cares about fair due process in general, but he also seems to have some sort of beef with Andrealphus.
-"Since when is ATTEMPTING a crime illegal am I right?" You stupid bastard.
-"LIES!!" STFU
-I've seen a few people question why Andrealphus would go straight after Blitz instead of Stolas, since he wants him gone so bad, but the answer is simple. Andrealphus KNOWS there's pretty much nothing he can do to demon royalty, especially since Stolas was considered above him on the Goetia food chain. Going after the imp, a member of an already extremely marginalized group, was simply a safer bet.
-I wish Ozzie and Bee spoke up more. It seems ooc, but at the same time we don't know how big the power imbalance is between Satan and the rest of the sins. (Aside Lucifer)
-"A responsible and handsome Goetic demon such as myself-" You should kill yourself, NOW!!
-They never wanted to let him speak up in the first place.
-"Put his kind to shame" BRO HE BAGGED DEMON ROYALTY.
-wtf is up with Satan and his little meditator twink assistant
-YES VASSAGO!! BRING UP THAT HE'S NOT HERE! IT'S ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT THAT STOLAS WASN'T INFORMED AND CLEARLY INDICATES ANDREALPHUS HAS OTHER MOTIVES!! YES HE SHOULD BE SUMMONED!!
-God I love Vassago I hope he's a reoccurring character
-"didn't want him to go through the trauma of facing his aggressor' is such a thinly veiled argument, but no one fucking cares because Blitz is just an imp.
-WHY IS STRIKER HELPING DEMON ROYALTY. Does he hate Blitz that much because he associated with them? Is he getting paid? Was he threatened?
-"If I wanted to kill Stolas, I would've done it myself." Good point, HORRIBLE wording.
-"oh he just fucked himself over."
-I am so sorry your boss is a fucking moron
-PLEASE Bee and Ozzie you can do better than "He probably has a good reason for all of this!"
-Bee throwing dick popsicles at Mammon, I love you girl.
-God I hate this classist piece of shit
-He KNOWS smthn is up.
-The immediate cut to a Mammon joke after our mcs are SENTENCED TO DEATH really shows how little higher class demons care about imps and hellhounds
-We obviously know They're not ACTUALLY gonna kill any of them off, but I was still biting my fuckin nails dawg
-What an EVIL move.
-Fizz and Ozzie's full conversation before this. So, Ozzie most likely had no idea the trial was for Blitz.
-Side note, but I'm kinda surprised Fizz and Ozzie dating wasn't brought up aside from that line from Mammon about Ozzie and Bee 'associating with the lower class'.
-wtf is up with Satan? If this were any other sin, Ozzie would not HESITATE to clock their ass. Just look at s2 ep7!
-"NOT THEM YOUR HIGHNESS!" What if I cried.
-"you're acting kinda ruby" GET OUT OF HERE TWINKIE
-"I suppose I created impkind to be obedient" Motherfucker those are people.
-"Just axe the mouthy one" It's so in-character for Blitz to not assume himself to be the mouthy one
-He still careeeesss augh!! He sounded so distressed
-"We'll pretend to care" So accurate! Ouch!
-"Moxxie, stop. This big red bitch never planned on hearing us out."
-HER FACE. "Just take care of Loona for me" WHAT IF I FUCKING CRIED.
-Fun fact this is the part of the episode where I started bawling like a loser
-"I love you guys" I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF. IM GONNA DO IT FUCK
Uhh I have to reblog to continue this bc I hit the image cap halfway through lmfaoo
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Ok I've had some time to chill, lemme say a bunch of things I DID like about The Star Beast:
The right vibes are back. THIS feels like Doctor Who and I have a lot of faith in what's to come once they have time to pace things out
The characters are great. A+
Made me laugh
Silly practical effects!
Obviously Marvelous MARVELOUS to have Donna back with us, even if it's just for a little while
New intro is bangin
New Tardis is Nice. I honestly didn't like the crystal one.
The trans rep comes from a sincere place, I can tell. I think a lot of the gender talk was awkward and confused and kinda. stupid. in places. but. I appreciate it anyway
Really nice that they didn't kill off Wilf despite Bernard Cribbin's passing
#doctor who spoilers#doctor who#doctor who 60th anniversary#sorry for the earlier posts it's just that. some of that shit hit me like a freight train#I don't like how hard they went on like. Rose's transness not just being a normal unremarkable thing#they had to make it some kinda alien magic thing#and have her get deadnamed for kinda no reason#and just make such a DEAL out of it#idk man shit like that just makes me feel like some kinda spectacle#it was too much. I found it embarrassing. not to mention how a lot of the messaging was contradictory and just. odd?#but that's just me#I'm not here to say whether they did anything definitively wrong#I wasn't necessarily *upset* either#I actually cracked tf up at "Binary! ..... nonbinary~.....Binary!!''
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things no one tells you abt growing up number one: you start to get inexplicably mad at your dad all the time
#have literally never really experienced this before this year i just accepted him as Like That#i would’ve always classed myself as a mommy issues kinda guy even though i don’t really think i have Parental Issues so much as i just have#Issues. but at some point you realise the reason you have more negative memories about your mother is because your mother was actually THERE#not even in a blaming him way. he just had to work a lot and late hours when i was a kid#but still at some point you see the way he whines about doing things your mom does 24/7 and how entitled and easily enraged he is#and it annoys me because holy shit i’m like that. did i get that from you? the way i can be so snappy and aggressive and entitled?#Augh. it boils down to the fact that my (mildly transphobic/gender crit) parents know i am transgender#and my mom - while still not really supporting it whatsoever - has been Nice about it (though ive made it very very easy for her to be) and#calls me a gender neutral shortened version of my dead name (though still misgenders me cause. sure ok. ugh)#my dad doesn’t even make an effort 90% of the time and it just makes me so fucking angry#you can be transphobic that’s fine my mom is but it doesn’t hurt you one fucking bit to change the way you address me a tiny bit#ur literally the ONLY person in my life still using my deadname#oliver talks
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woke up from a dream about a family not accepting a trans kid for who they are to a text where my dad deadnames me :I
#not only that but it was a quote from a friend of his using my deadname which means he's been using it with her#when i thought he was. trying at least#and it was that friend asking me to do an art thing for her (the quote. cuz she doesn't have my number)#and when i said 'that's not my name' he was like 'i know. i forgot' no apology or anything but he makes *her* apologize to me??#he just kinda has no sense of responsibility in this shit. like 'remembering' is all you have to do but that's harder than actually trying#it's harder to Just Remember especially with adhd which he has. i just want to know he's fucking trying#and my sibling's trans identity is more important to them than mine is to me so if he tried with them i know it'd mean something to them#so that's most of the reason i'm upset. but also because. nobody calls me that anymore it's just weird#not even my mum who is notorious for mixing her kids' names up#oh btw the dream was pretty interesting actually#it was like i was playing a video game of someone else's life. it was mostly about this one uncle who won't accept this kid for being trans#and tries to convert them on a little fishing trip to being cis and catholic. and they call their dad cuz they feel unsafe#and their dad is like 'what's he saying put me on speaker' and he just makes fun of the uncle#but then they're still in the middle of nowhere when they get back to shore so they have to go back to the uncle's house#and they go into the room where their older brother is and discover he's staying with their uncle still. which makes them realize#that when their uncle asked if they wanted to stay and not be themselves or go away and be themselves they opted to leave#but their brother would rather pretend to not accept them and stay. and they get into a physical fight. anyway i woke up after that
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it bears repeating that cishet people don't get that you rarely come out One Time And It's Done
i came out to my local baker today
#she's an old friend of my mom and we went to get bread & pastries there and like#when she saw me she was like Wow [deadname] i barely recognized you ! and my mom was like WELL#so we told her and she was all :O okay! this is gonna take some getting used to haha#but y'know. not exactly a conversation cis people tend to have ylrkdkdd#fun times#i kinda thrive for this stuff tbh like there's something about making people react by Just Existing that's invigorating ???#like i got a blood test done again today and while i had the needle in my arm going all Ouch i was thinking about how#i'm going through this for a good reason#that reason being confusing the local baker
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update on this!!! it went well lmao :]
so after lots of thinking i decided i'm gonna come out as trans this college year (to classmates, teachers, etc) and when i tell you i'm TERRIFIED🧍
#the first day was awful i felt like i was gonna throw up all through the day lol#but everyone has been so supportive and nice and i really really wasn't expecting that!!! i could cry!! :(((#most ppl didn't ask if i'd change my pronouns as well but i guess they figured#cause my new name is not ''feminine''#i also was a little scared at how quickly these kinda things spread around. bc people i've barely talked to already called me#by my new name and all lol#but since everyone has been really chill about it that hasn't been a problem. thank god#also all of my lecturers were so chill as well?? one of them reassured me and like kinda smiled when i told her and another one (my favorite#lecturer in college was like ''OMG i like your new name a lot! so cool'' :(((( she was so nice i WILL cry)#(my favorite lecturer for a Reason!!☝️)#and my closest college friends have also been like practicing and calling me by my new name instead of my nickname :]#(cause my nickname has stayed the same. my new name is ''masculine'' but phonetically it sounds a lot like my deadname.#cause i wanted to be able to derive the same nickname from it. cause idk i love that nickname And it's gender-neutral sorta And it's what my#friends and family have always called me. so i didn't want to change it. so i didn't!)#and idk i'm so thankful to everyone who's like making an effort and like sorta practicing my new name lol#Plus. one thing about coming out that i was really surprised by is that (and this is gonna sound silly). Adults CAN be allies??#i don't even mean queer adults. but cishet adults. can be allies to queer teens. wdym not every 50 year old thinks like my parents#like i already knew that in theory but seeing it Actually be like that irl was kinda life-changing#idk it's been an experience#to think that a few years ago i couldn't admit that i was trans out loud let alone imagine myself doing what i've done this year#choosing a new name and coming out and everything. not to get sentimental (yes to get sentimental) but i'm kind of very proud of myself :]#anyway#little rant#📎
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Ive lose the ask asking for my transmasc!Leo headcanon TT but i have them written down so imma post em like that
Leo transmasc headcanon
(many things are based on my own experience. Especially the dysphoria related things (so when i talk about Leo not being a real boy it is what he thinks bc of dysphoria. It’s not true.))
(warning angst angst (but thats Leo so that was expected)
it was so obvious even when he was small. He always wanted to play with boys, wear boys clothes, ect… His mom was fine with it. She bought him boys toys and clothes and even sometimes called him hijo. She was a bit confused, but she knew it made her child happy and it's all that mattered.
However, it didn’t go that well with his foster homes. However much he tried, they always stuck to his deadname and she/her. That was a big part of the reason he kept running away.
There really is no story behind the name Leo. He picked that one bc it sounded cool.
Once he got a good enough passing, he did everything he could so ppl will assume he’s cis.
Don’t ask me how he gots his hands on hrt. It’s a long and weird story.
The wilderness school was very strict about not mixing girls and boys in dorms.
Piper was his roommate, that’s how they met.
In their memories created by Hera, Jason has kinda always known he’s trans. So Leo never bothered to hide it from Jason (as he does with others).
But Jason doesn’t have much (any) education on transidentity… At first he assumed Leo was a cis guy, and then some things were a bit confusing (why was he in fem dorms ? Why does he wear a tank top under his shirt ? Did he just ask Piper for a tampon???) but he just kinda gave up on trying to understand, bc Leo is a nice guy anyways. And with time (and exterior knowledge on the matter) he started to put the pieces together and to understand that “ooh ok that makes sense".
Otherwise. Leo has no desire to get out of his comfortable closet.
He has such a fragile masculinity
Sometimes he acts a little bit macho. He’s aware he’s acting like an asshole but he’s terrified of being perceived as feminine.
Why does he try to flirt with every girl he sees ? Another attempt to pass better (and comfort himself in his fragile masculinity) by copying stereotypical boys' things.
He overbind so much, GODS. Man will wear his binder for 11h straight (while fighting and running around) and then have the audacity to complain that his body hurts.
Piper tries very hard to remind him to take proper breaks.
Jason is the biggest gender envy ever. He is handsome, tall, muscular… Leo really loves him but he also is so jealous and envious.
He is very envious of other boys in general.
When Percy got woken up in the middle of the night and left his cabin shirtless. When Frank went to take a break in the men’s restroom…
Gods, he would do anything to just be a normal boy. To be like them. To have their bodies. To not have to destroy his body to look slightly more masculine. To not have this constant fear that they’re gonna find out.
And to add to the reasons why he felt so much like the 7th wheel : Among the 7 there are 3 girls, 3 boys… And Leo. Forever inbetween. Not a girl, but not a boy like the others either.
Fortunately, with time he learnt to accept himself better and to feel more comfortable with others.
Piper helped him to go easier on himself. And he had an actual proper talk with Jason.
The first person he actually came out to was probably Annabeth, bc she’s cool and wise and nice.
And then he saw it actually was ok. She didn’t treat him any differently, she didn’t tell anyone else. She was cool with it.
He then told Frank and Hazel, with Piper’s help (mostly to explain to Hazel all those new terms). And it also went very great ! He then also told Percy and Nico.
He’s not entirely out, just to his closest friends and his siblings at camp. And it’s enough.
He still overbinds, but he has ppl to (discreetly) remind him to take care of himself. He’s still very dysphoric but his loved ones know how to remind him that he is their brother, an amazing boy.
#pjo#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson#leo valdez#heroes of olympus#hoo#pjo hoo toa#pjo headcanon
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I believe that there is a high likelihood that Alice survived episode 6.
...
Well okay, maybe "survived" isn't the right word, more like I believe that there is a high likelihood that Alice could come back from her death in episode 6.
Why do I think that? Well partly because she's one of my favorite characters and I want her to, but more prominently because she's come back from the dead before (if my theory is correct)!
Now, anyone who has spent some time in the Alice fandom knows about the list. She's in it, it deadnames her (evil trans queen), and so on and so forth. What matters to my post, though, is what her status is labelled as, which, chronologically, would have been her status at the time of Cabin Fever Labs's attempt at patching Nori of the Solver.
There she is, number 017, deadname scribbled out for respect. And what is her status? "Corrupted". Now, we don't know for sure what it means to be "corrupted" (trust me, I have spent several late nights/early mornings trying to figure it out), but my hypothesis is that the state we see Mika (032) and Jame (012) in are the result of being corrupted by a bad patch (Mika left, Jame right)
Chained up, sedated, kinda fleshy, and very dead, right? Now, to explain why I think this is what corruption looks like, it's just process of elimination. It can't be a successful patch because these guys aren't anything like Nori or Yeva (plus it does everything except outright say that Yeva was the first drone at Cabin Fever Labs to receive a successful patch).
Athough I could see a possibility where this is the result of a patch having no effect and the Solver lashing out, the part that hangs it up for me is that these drones wrote on the inside of their locker doors, meaning that they weren't killed then chained up inside of their lockers. It means that they were restrained inside of their lockers, then died on their own afterwards. That's not what would happen if the Solver was on a rampage. Also, even if the writing means nothing and these drones had ineffective patches, the Solver fought back, then they were offed, why would Cabin Fever Labs keep the dead bodies? Let alone chain them up and sedate them? They would've properly disposed of it so as to eliminate a potential host for the Solver, there's no reason they would have kept the body around if this was the product of a "no effect" patch.
So that leaves only one option: corruption. And just looking at it, this feels, at least to me, what "corruption" could look like. A sort of halfway between machine and flesh, chained up and sedated so as to get the spazzing drone from catching anyone, and a slow burnout after being confined in their locker (possibly kept alive so the scientists could see what happened). Seems pretty straightforward to me.
So to bring it back to my original point, this short-circuting freak out, a corruption of the mind, followed by a slow confined death. If this is an accurate evaluation of corruption, then that is what happened to Alice when they tried to patch her. What Mika and Jame look like? At the time of Nori's patching, Alice looked like that too. Despite that, though, she was still, through methods unknown to us, able to not only come back to life, but also completely reverse the fleshiness and return to looking like a completely normal worker drone (minus the knife tail, although I always assumed that that was a self-modification on her part considering it lacks any of the fleshiness characteristic of Solver Tails).
If she was able to come back unscathed from such a terrible fate then, then what's stopping her from using the same methods to come back from a simple head stomp? It was just her head that was crushed after all, not her core.
An addendum: "What Methods?!"
After reading my initial theory, I'm sure you're asking: "unknown methods? What does that mean?" Well I'm glad you asked, hypothetical person reading this that I made up in my head, because that lets me get into the biggest reason why I love Alice as a character so much. She doesn't make any sense according to the rules of the Murder Drones world that we already know. But not in a "she contradicts them", moreso a "she works in a different way", implying that there is a whole new set of rules in this world that exist, but we just don't know about them yet.
Anyone who thinks about Alice for more than a few minutes realizes very quickly how her existence as a drone admitted to Cabin Fever Labs makes no sense. She's very obviously been given the Solver, both because of her "corrupted" status on the list and the fact that she's even here at all, yet she also shows no symptoms of being possessed by the Solver or, most importantly, any signs of possessing the telekinesis/regenerative/create flesh limbs abilities inherent to all drones who possess the Solver, patched or otherwise. Not only that, but she also actively distances herself from drones who do, calling them "witches".
Hell, in the case of regeneration, she straight-up proves she doesn't have it when she replaces the tip of her finger that Uzi bit off with a new one instead of regenerating her old one.
In a comment section somewhere, I saw someone speculate that the reason Alice is like this is because she is asymptomatic to the effects of the Solver. This idea absolutely fascinates me, the idea that, for whatever reason, the Solver sits dormant in Alice's code instead of infecting her like it does all other drones. (I suspect that this is the reason why she was able to come back while other corrupted drones weren't. For a moment, something happened to kick her strand of the Solver out of it's dormancy to bring her back to life, before going dormant again.)
Even if my speculations don't end up being true, this idea that, in some drones, the Solver can lay dormant is still an entirely new concept, a new function of the Solver that we never see it display anywhere else. It's a treasure map hinting at a treasure trove of all-new lore waiting just at the end. The sheer promise Alice has is so exciting to me. There's so much there, hiding just below the surface I can feel it.
It is for this reason that, out of all the Murder Drones characters that go underutilized, Alice is the one that, I feel, is the most desperately deserving of an episode/mini comic series of her own. THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON HERE, I CAN SMELL IT! WE JUST NEED TO GO A LITTLE DEEPER!!!
#md alice#murder drones alice#murder drones#murder drones theory#alice murder drones#cabin fever#prequel comic featuring Alice pleeaaaaasessseeee#i neeeeeeeeeeeed it#and not only all of this but she's also an incredibly skilled mechanic to both modify herself and kit Beau out like he is#AND she has a deep enough understanding of the Disassembly Drones so that she knows how to prevent their Solvers from functioning properly#“heat keeps 'em sluggish”#HOW DOES SHE KNOW THAT?!#Robo-god Alice is just one mystery after another I love it#i found out my phone has a gif maker mode pre-installed recently so i used that to give this dose of autisitc rambling some flair#this is the Alice theory i mentioned a few posts ago btw
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thinking about gijinka!metal sonic again. bc like in a humanisation she’d be like the biological kid of eggman right? and that’s giving me such brainrot. the tl;dr is that she was born through surrogacy to serve as eggman's heir when he dies and basically she was raised to be eggman 2 (her deadname is literally ivo jr) and despite growing up with a safe, wealthy environment with a ton of education she never really felt loved by her father so after he and sonic start fighting she pretty much immediately both replaces half her body with cybernetics to serve as a useful pawn in her fathers schemes and started dying her hair in the hopes that if she looked like sonic she'd at least get any attention. she eventually ran away (after realising she was trans and being terrified of her father not accepting her) and like kinda did the whole sonic heroes thing but being like a human meant she couldn’t just be reset so. she just kinda started serious therapy and now is in an awkward midground where she has absolutely no idea who’s side she’s on. i also have some more detailed thoughts on her under the cut if u want.
the modifications she did to her body for her cybernetics stunted her growth a lot. she was short as a kid and as a teenager she's like 4’7 max. it was extremely invasive and painful, but she was that desperate for any sort of familial love. being eleven it was not exactly done great and while she’s a terrifying combatant she's in and out of hospital the rest of her life for some reason or another.
eggman does actually fully support her transition, bc while he's a terrible dad he does on some level genuinely care about her and like, he cares more about her continuing the mad science legacy than how she presents herself.
she’s very much a sheltered rich kid. the closest thing she’s ever had to a friendship is trying to murder her fathers arch nemesis, and that started when she was eleven she didn’t have any sort of friend before that. her socialisation is messed up enough that despite technically still being fully human (just with very advanced cybernetics) she's still very much the maladjusted violent ball of anger and jealousy she is in canon. sonic and co literally thought she was just a very humanoid killer robot for years. like, up until heroes. but no it’s just severe trauma.
she does however have more hobbies than torturing small animals! she's fond of liveleak.com, licking batteries until she's electrocuted (her modifications prevent her from being seriously injured), and inventing weaponry. she eventually picks up some less… concerning hobbies after a bit of therapy and spending time with sonic and co. (she particularly enjoys fashion and, surprisingly enough, animal crossing).
she mostly resembles her father (her biological mother was specifically picked so that’d be the case, along with many other stringent requirements) but she looks close enough to maria robotnik that she Constantly freaks shadow out. especially bc she is again very sickly and probably will die young bc of the complications with replacing half of her body including her brain with cybernetics made by an eleven year old. she exploits this to experiment on him when she’s bored. she’s not as familiar with biological sciences as robotics but she does kinda want to Not Die and unethical experimentation on the immortal ultimate life form helps.
yes, her nine year old pre-cybernetics appearance is deliberately meant to look a little like alex kidd with the messy hair and pallet. bc she’s neglected in favour of sonic. why not.
#my art#human metal sonic au#sonic humanization#sonic gijinka#metal sonic#transfem metal sonic#i hope eggman looks as fucking out of his depth as he can get in a doodle#he is Not a good parent to robot kids let alone human ones#he just wanted an ivo jr for the ego boost and he didn’t even end up with that#though he did end up with a daughter who shares his passion for robotics and exploiting people so he’s not mad lmao#neglect tw#abuse tw#since like. child neglect is abuse lmao#do her cybernetics count as body horror idk#bc they’re not like prosthetics or anything they're like. forcibly grafted on#and replace a good half of her organic body#including her organs :D
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A genuinely shocking amnt of people said they wanted to see my “Apollo backstory but it’s exclusively based on AA4” so huzzah! Self-indulgence on main! It’s under the readmore because I don’t wanna clog anyone’s dash :)
Everything starts with Thalassa because of course it does. She’s part of the Granmarye Troupe but kinda Hates It. Her father gives her very little autonomy, and she feels like they’re treating her more as an asset or employee than family. She's good at putting on a brave face but she has very little autonomy there and is completely miserable, so she sneaks out to meet with the audience sometimes to get a taste of freedom. It’s on one of these little trips that she meets Jove, who she quickly falls in love with. They continue to meet in secret, and Thalassa’s resentment for the troupe only grows. The day she turns 18, she runs away to go elope with him, not leaving a note or any indication of where she’s gone
The two of them are happily married for a year and have a child, but Jove dies in an accident (unrelated to Kuhrain in this version) only a year into their marriage. Thalassa, now a 19 year old single mom with no money and no documents, realizes the only person who can help her now is the last person she wants to see. Desperate, she calls Magnifi, who agrees to help her IF she gives up the kid and comes back to the troupe. He thinks if she still has an attachment to the child she’ll try and run away again as soon as she can (and he’s right!). Thalassa gives Apollo to the orphanage with one of her bracelets and secretly tries to keep track of him— she does plan on coming back for him as soon as she can, Magnifi be damned
Magnifi, knowing that both Zak and Valant are in love with his daughter, actively encourages the both of them to pursue her, hoping one of them will get her to fall in love and give her a reason not to leave the troupe. Zak is the one who ends up succeeding. They have Trucy together and things immediately take a turn for the worse
Thalassa immediately gets very depressed after having Trucy and nothing seems to cheer her up. She can’t stop thinking about being forced to give up her first child and the life she lost and nothing Zak does seems to help. Eventually, Magnifi steps in and says that she needs to get over it and get back to performing. To everyone’s surprise, Thalassa agrees without protest
This is when the “accident” happens. Air quotes here because surprise! It was not an accident at all. Thalassa was tired, desperate, and wanting nothing more than to go scorched earth on the entirety of Troupe Granmarye, so she loaded the gun improperly on purpose in hopes that the aftermath and scandal will bring the troupe down with her. She somehow survives, but only Magnifi knows. Not wanting news of it to escape and seeing an opportunity to hold this over Zak and Valant’s heads, he ships his amnesiac daughter off to Borgnia and tries to wipe his hands of the whole thing
While clearing through Thalassa’s things, Magnifi finds all of the information on Apollo and Jove, which he shows to Zak. Zak, who didn’t know about Apollo, feels wildly hurt by it all. He ends up projecting a lot of his feelings onto Trucy— he still loves her but becomes more distant because he’s grieving Thalassa’s death and “betrayal”
This is how Zak knows about Apollo and why he tells Phoenix about it. Phoenix does try to find Apollo as soon as he learns about him, HOWEVER, Apollo is trans and all of Thalassa’s documents have his deadname on them so they can’t be used to track him down. (By the time Phoenix realizes Apollo is the kid he’s been looking for ((via the bracelet)) he’s already broken Apollo’s trust enough that he doesn’t feel like he can safely drop that truth bomb without scaring him away. By the time Apollo DOES come to trust Phoenix, Thalassa has her memories back, at which point Phoenix feels it’s her truth to tell). Anyway.
Trucy’s story is effectively identical to canon so I don’t have much to say about that
While in the orphanage, Apollo decides he wants to be a lawyer bc he hears about Phoenix (specifically the whole thing about sticking up for people with no one on their side). He goes thru the lawyer track in HS bc that’s a canon thing in AA apparently and tests into a special fast track law program so he can save as much money on tuition as possible
Apollo works his ass off, he has a ton of jobs and works indexing night shifts for the courthouse. Everyone starts to know who he is bc he works every law related job he can no matter how miserable. This is how Kristoph finds out about him
He works all thru law school but basically all of his money goes to tuition so he goes between shitty apartments and crashing at the courthouse / work when he runs out of rent money. This is the OTHER reason everyone knows who he is and how kristoph finds out about him— he’s always loitering around the courthouse. He makes a name for himself as a hard worker, being fast + thorough with paperwork, and having an excellent eye for detail
During internship hunting season, Kristoph approaches Apollo— he greatly values a dedicated hard worker like Apollo and thinks Apollo’s abysmal financials are good leverage for manipulation. I hc that Kristoph specializes in fraud cases, so Apollo’s talents are extremely relevant to Kristoph’s interests. Kristoph’s firm is only himself because of all the illegal shit he does (less eyes less chance of being caught) so he gambles on taking in Apollo. He ends up personally fixing up Apollo’s credit score, ensuring he has proper documents, and gets him set up with a decent paycheck so he can start to develop a savings account. Apollo decides he would die for him
This continues until Kristoph plays a bad hand— he intends on having Apollo defend Phoenix in the hopes that he’ll lose so he can hang the resulting verdict over Apollo’s head to manipulate him. Turnabout Trump happens and Apollo ends up back where he started, broke and with less trust in others than he had before (which is saying a lot). During his internship with Kristoph he managed to get together a tiny rainy day fund and even started to save up for top surgery, but all that money has to be used to cover rent while he’s jobless bc of the Turnabout Trump aftermath. It’s when the money finally runs out that he answers Trucy’s phone call and agrees to work for the WAA
Canon proceeds as normal, but Apollo has extra paranoia because he’s worried all the money and documents and credit that Kristoph gave him were faked. Also, Thalassa doesn't tell Trucy and Apollo about the whole Thing because part of that would be admitting the role she played in how their lives turned out and she is not quite ready to face her demons yet
#ace attorney#apollo justice#mod vex#textpost#headcanons#this is the most indulgent thing i've posted in a while lol
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SO I WAS THINKING.
It seems like a somewhat common hc that fugo doesn’t like being called “pannacotta”. And at face value, one might think it’s cus that’s like a really dumb name.
But fugo isn’t the only jojo character with a weird name ofc, not by a long shot. And he’s also not the only gw character with a food name (most of them do have food related names) but that’s obvious anyway.
What I’m getting at is, for that hc, why doesn’t he wanna be called pannacotta?
One option would be that he just doesn’t want to be called pannacotta because he doesn’t want people (the bucci gang) calling him by his first name.
Maybe it feels overly familiar? Which would be odd given the fact that they are ((at the very least in my mind)) very close.
Or, maybe he prefers it because people would talk to him condescendingly? Relatives, or other people he used to know. Being a young child (and then a teen) people are almost definitely not going to be calling him by his surname.
His family and people who know them specifically. “(Mr.) Fugo” would be only used for his father, or some other older man in his family.
So it could be that he prefers being called fugo because to him at least, it feels much more respectful?
Or it could be more that he gets to choose what people call him now.
Buuuuuuut
With that last thing in mind, how he wants to choose what people call him
I figured
Who better to refer to than #1 T girl fugo fan?
oooh, that’s a fun question :D
Okay, so, I’m gonna be offering two ideas as to why Fugo might hate being called by her first name
number one is, obviously, looking at the headcannon with the idea that she’s trans, and is using her last name as a sort of chosen name. It explains why she doesn’t like being called Pannacotta, which acts as a deadname. As for the reason she might choose to go by Fugo specifically, there’s a couple options.
The one that’s easiest for me to explain is the idea that she only realized that she was trans some point after meeting Bucciaratti, maybe before the two got to know eachother very well. At this point, it’s around 1999-2000, and transphobia is much more common, so telling him that she wants to go by a different, more feminine name might be dangerous. instead of risking that, it would be much easier to go by her last name instead. It would be an odd request, but it could be brushed off as a formality, and it’s a name that Bucciaratti already knows.
my reasoning there was kinda weird, but it took me an hour to write, so I’m moving on to idea number two.
this one is focusing more on her past. One of the first things that we can pick up from Fugo’s backstory is that she was forced to grow up incredibly fast, and wasn’t given the chance to have a proper childhood. This sort of “don’t be childish” mentally has been forced onto her for her entire life, which is where the line “Being a young child (and then a teen) people are almost definitely not going to be calling him by his surname.” comes in. Since being called by her first name is informal/not as respectful, she could’ve just started going by Fugo at some point while she was in college to seem more like an adult. She wouldn’t like being called Pannacotta because to her, it would be insulting.
This one is a fun concept because it gives the opportunity for good character development. As she slowly lets go of the idea that she has to be mature and act like an adult, she gets more comfortable going by her first name, and she gets to be happy about being allowed to act like a teenager for once.
#johnny/vio rambles#good god this took forever to write#it was 100% worth it though#I really liked talking about this :3#it was a lot of fun#thanks for the ask pods!!#jjba fugo#pannacotta fugo#headcanons
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My Ttte Designs (Toby):
Headcanons:
Shy, gentle, nervous but wise and extremely caring towards others. Is one of Sodor's oldest but finest engines.
Human age is 54 while his actual age is 121.
He and Henrietta are married for 30 years while he and Edward are married for 10 years.
Disrespect one of his loved ones, especially if it's Henrietta, and he'll sent you to your grave.
Has a super close bond with the humans of Sodor and sees them as this one, big, loving family.
Even though he's prone to panic in certain situations, he has the patience of a god and is very good at handling emotional problems. His compassion and empathy makes him very popular with engines and Sudrians.
Loves jazz, romantic music and electro swing.
Is the Harold Hutchins to Gordon's George Beard and they're best friends because I said so. He acts like the heart of the duo while Gordon acts like the brains. These two will do anything from becoming wingmen for each other to trying to figure how to use the internet.
He doesn't have too many people that he hates but if you manage to be one of those people; Then congrats! You're officially one of the worst people to ever live on earth!
Bisexual and transgender (Ftm). Has top surgery and his scars are kinda faded. Scars are double incision and are curved. (I swear, if ya'll are ever drawing him shirtless and you incorrectly draw his top surgery scars, I am going to break into your house and break all of your limbs-)
Street-stupid as fuck and doesn't understand modern society that well.
Has PTSD, depression and separation anxiety. Extremely fast-moving water, great heights and loud sounds all give him shivers down to his spine because they're all part of events that he used to be in. Sometimes, he feels disconnected to the rest of the world and doesn't have any motivation to do anything. And about his separation anxiety? Try separating Henrietta from him and he'll be missing her instantly.
Loves to bake and cook food. Is a god at it. (Unlike Edward-)
Has 4 adopted children: Mavis, Percy, Phillip and Pluto.
I like to imagine that he used to have a stupid long ahoge that he unfortunately lost during his younger years. It hasn't grown back ever since. RIP random ahoge, we'll miss you. 😞
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair-"
PRIVATE HE'S AFRAID OF COCKROACHES!!!!!
(USING SHE/HER AND THE NAME "TABITHA" FOR THE NEXT FEW HEADCANONS. TW: MENTIONS OF DEADNAMING, TRANSPHOBIA, HOMOPHOBIA AND DEATH)
When Tabitha was first built, she was devilish, tomboyish daredevil who took over the quaint little world that she lived in by storm. She had two older brothers who she bonded quickly. Tom, who was the middle child and was fun-loving and Leonard, who was the oldest and acted as the voice of reason and discipline.
In her old tramway that was located nearby on a pretty little coastline, Tabitha met two tramway coaches named Henrietta and Hannah. She got along quite well with Hannah due to their chaotic personalities but butted heads with Henrietta because of her more reserved demeanor. (What Tabitha doesn't know that she's going to get married to Henrietta someday hehehoho)
However, Roger, a very bratty and absolutely shit tram engine bullied the two all lot. (Ya'll probably who I'm talking about) And not only was he spoiled and jerkish, he was also extremely transphobic and homophobic towards Tabitha, often calling her many slurs and derogatory nicknames. But the haughty steam tram would soon meet his end when he was crushed to death. What the others didn't know that things would be way worse....
During a cheerful and calm day, Tabitha was working with her two brothers as usual along with Henrietta. Out of nowhere, a large boom filled the air with terror and doom as an disheveled old man, wearing shattered goggles, was driving a gigantic tank as cannons were blasting everywhere, destroying trucks and houses. Leonard immediately took his then-sister's hand and started sprinting towards the other direction with Tom and Henrietta following in hot pursuit.
Bullets sliced through the smoky air as the screams of dying people and engines filled the atmosphere with dread and hopelessness and just as the crazy old man was about to shoot Tabitha, Tom suddenly went in front of her, surprising the lunatic and causing him to miss and have the bullet hit the ground instead. But, the bullet ended up ricocheting a piece of shrapnel straight towards Tom's face and pierced straight through his eye, killing him instantly.
And went the young tram thought that the worse has been over, a shriek of pain echoed through the sky as Henrietta dragged Tabitha to a safe place. Turns out that Leonard had acid poured on his face by the old driver for refusing to let him kill Tabitha.
The next day was the funeral for Tom and Leonard, the sky was a cloudy grey as rain poured onto the ground like bricks hitting pavement. Nobody make a sound except for the anguished cries of Tabitha for she just lost the people that she loved the most. Ever since, the poor tram hasn't been the same.
(TOBY, IN HIS AWKWARD TRANSITONAL PHASE)
Started using he/him and the name "Tobias" that Leonard give to him. Shortened it to "Toby" because he didn't like being called by his full name.
Wore awkward brown suspenders, a white buttoned up shirt and had shiny black loafers. (Man, he was really wearing the loser fit wasn't he) Later got a fuzzy homemade oak-colored sweater made by Henrietta for him as a gift when he worked on his own little tramway.
Easily scared, very jumpy, frightened and extremely shy toward others. Only communicated in whispers. (Not too unlike to his wimpy CGI persona!)
Was pretty neutral on liking flowers but ended up loving one of them, roses, after Henrietta put one on his head during one of their dates.
You thought that Edward was his bisexual awakening? Ha! Edward was only his bisexual REAWAKENING. His actual first bisexual awakening was when he met a fellow blue lorry whose name was Alec. Unlike the rest of the lorries and trucks that were assholes, Alec was mild-mannered and polite and had a pleasant conversation with Toby, who the latter caught feelings for him. However, because homophobia was at a dangerously high stake during that time, Toby had extreme feelings of internalized homophobia and avoided Alec when ever he could. (Poor him, it looks that Toby couldn't catch a break)
Toby and Henrietta literally got married when Toby tried to propose her but failed horribly, only to find out that Henrietta was also going to propose to him as well.
His bond between his driver and firewoman started to grow since the two were a couple themselves and would give relationship advice to Toby whenever he had trouble with Henrietta.
#ttte#thomas and friends#thomas the tank engine#ttte toby#ttte headcanon#ttte human au#ttte humanisation#ttte humanised#modernly classical ttte au
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It is kind of funny to think about how popular the Kuja Crocodile fan theory is when you take a step back and think about where that theory kinda originates from Now to be fair, I'm not 100% certain where the theory came from, I can only remember so much of what the fandom was theorizing back in 2008, so I may be speaking from my ass a little right now
But from what I do remember, back in Yee Olden Days, there was a lot of speculation about why the Strawhats got sent to their respective island by Kuma the way they did. A lot of people did notice how each island seemed meaningful one way or another to each Strawhat and tied into their characters except for Luffy, and everybody thought that was a bit odd. Mainly because we didn't fully know HOW Kuma's ability worked. Now, nearly two decades later, we DO know how Kuma's ability actually works; People don't magically travel to islands they have a secret connection to or anything, Kuma himself has to actively choose where he sends people off to, meaning Kuma looked at the Strawhats individually and picked out islands where he thought they'd be best off at. Luffy being sent to Amazon Lily is arguably no different; Kuma knew Luffy was the brother of the soon-to-be-executed Ace, but also a target of the WG (due to being Dragon's son). Amazon Lily was close enough to both Sabaody that Luffy would be able to return there relatively easily if he wished to, or he could try to befriend the Warlord Hancock, who was also being summoned to participate in Ace's execution, to hitch a ride from her to go and try to save his brother. The only challenge Luffy would have to overcome there was indeed befriending the Kuja, at least enough to be taken off from the island safely and alive.
But indeed, we only really know and can fully understand that now. Back in Yee Olden Days, the fans did just seem to think Kuma's ability might be a bit more mystical in nature, and thus people got really curious what Luffy's Secret Ties to the Kuja and Amazon Lily could possibly be. And naturally that lead to people speculating that maybe Luffy's mom was a Kuja. Because what other subconcious connection could Luffy possibly have to the island especially when it didn't seem like it would help him reach/achieve his dreams any faster either.
But then we get to Impel Down and Crocodile gets those transgenderism allegations thrown right in his handsome face (and people start shitposting about him being Luffy's other parent) And I think that might be where the streams crossed. People noted how Crocodile has his funny little reptile motif going on, and how the Kuja ""also have a reptile motif"", transgenderism allegations, badabing badaboom Crocodile could be a former Kuja, secret past SOLVED.
But the connection there is really weak though, isn't it? Especially when you considder that the Kuja don't really have a REPTILE theme going on with them. Yes, the snake motif is important to the Kuja, our beloved Hancock being The Snake Princess and the sisters having the Gorgon/Medusa (fake) backstory, but the animal motif is limited to just snakes, not reptiles as a whole (otherwise we could also speculate that Moria is a former Kuja because he's also named after a reptile). And more importantly, the Kuja have a big FLOWER theme going on for them, namely in, well, their names; each Kuja is named after some kind of flower/plant. Sure, Crocodile could have a secret deadname but we don't know if he does, there is no evidence to suggest either way (but also, depending on when you think he would have transitioned then him just being able to have a secret deadname is kind of up in the air (see: Crocodad timeline))
So if Kuma's ability doesn't have a magical way to send people to places they have ties to (whether the person knows it or not), and if Crocodile doesn't have any obvious, thematic connection to the Kuja, then the only reason people believe he could've been a Kuja is because... he might be trans. And... yeah. That's kind of a weak basis for a theory, isn't it
#Moon posting#OP Meta#Not even commenting on the Missing Empress because that's been Officially Debunked and doesn't matter anymore#For the record I'm not here to shit on peole who DO like the Kuja Croc theory or just enjoy it as a pure headcanon#That is absolutely fine and wonderful#As always: I'm very interested in speculating about canon and what seems like a viable theory with evidence to back it vs what doesn't#And that's what this post is about. The Kuja Croc is an Ancient Fan Theory but it really kinda is the weakest one at this point#For comparison's sake I feel like there's more evidence for the ''Crocodile is Stussy's son and Weevil's brother'' theory than Kuja Croc#Tho to be fair Croc's reintroduction to the plot did come in the arc immidiately after Amazon Lily was introduced#So like the dots could be easy to connect there (much like Ivankov's intro literally immidiately before Croc's re-intro)#And one could argue it'd be nice if the Isle of Women had more of ''a reason to exist'' in a plot relevant way#(Like that is kind of why I argue FOR trans Croc- it'd be give Ivankov's ability A Reason to Exist within the narrative)#((Not that it NEEDS one))#But also I'd argue the ''reason'' Amazon Lily is an isle of women was for the adventure Luffy ended up having on there+the friends he made#Like had the island NOT been the way it was then Luffy's experience there wouldn't have been the same nor the bonds he formed with Hancock#It would have made for a very different story there. And I think that alone is the ''justification'' for Amazon Lily being the way it is
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I’m kinda confused, because my brother will always say to me ‘I don’t believe in all this transgender bullshit. It’s mocking intersex people and even intersex people say it’ the worst bit is that he says it infront of my mum who’s already as transphobic as it is and I was so fucking close to her not deadnaming me and not using she/her when referring to me.
So I wanted to know your thoughts on what my brother said if that’s ok <33
hello there!
that's not an argument i hear too often, but i have heard some people say things like that. that's not a sentimenti ever see expressed from other intersex people, it's almost always perisex people speaking for intersex people. just because someone wants to look different doesn't mean it's insulting someone who looks that way without any outside interference. i don't feel insulted when people want to look physically androgynous, even, if they want to change their body to have big breasts and a penis, or whatever, it doesn't bother me!
if anything, it makes intersex people feel less alienated because now you are involved with a community of people who possibly look and sound a lot more like you. even if it's by choice and not by nature, it doesn't really matter- being intersex influenced me into transitioning, after all! i took my feelings into consideration about both my body and my gender, and i needed to keep my intersex traits of having a beard and body hair and a masculine appearance
it's not an insult, it helps normalize the broad spectrum of how humans can look, act and sound based upon their individual biology. the sheer number of trans people who wanted HRT and surgeries in the past and now are a huge part of the reason why i have access to my own HRT. it only helps me when other people look and sound like i do and expose people to the fact that humans can look like literally whatever, from birth or otherwise
if you ever encounter anyone that has an argument that posits that intersex and trans people are enemies in any capacity, it's bullshit. we are often the same person, not always, but we are friends either way. we are siblings, we are very closely related people, and we understand each other's struggles about body autonomy and being identified correctly
whether or not you choose to stand up to your brother is up to you, just know that what he's saying isn't true. he's finding whatever reasons he can to antagonize you and put you down in front of your mom so she will continue to misgender you. there's nothing within good reason with this attitude, it's an attempt to scare you out of identifying as trans. you don't have to let it work
even if you don't stand up to them, you can remind yourself that he's just being a bully and he's not right. if he isn't intersex, himself, he has no ground to make that argument, and if he is intersex, he doesn't get to make the call for all other intersex people. tell him to ask a few other intersex people how they feel and he'll see his opinion doesn't make any sense
take care of yousrelf! hope that helps, good luck with your family. i'm sorry they're not receptive. bullies want you to think they're right but they're just angry and insecure that you have something that brings you joy. hold it close to your chest as tightly as you can, they don't deserve to take that from you. stay safe, good luck, feel free to ask any more questions you may have!
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FaC Miniseries really be out here saying, "Simon, you might be a suicidal man who would give his own life and brain for a pair of strangers that resemble a part of the traumatic past that ruined your life, but consider: you were selfish in your past relationship because you didn't consider your girlfriend enough and now that she sacrificed herself to become God for you you aren't allowed to die because that would make her sacrifice be in vain. You have to continue living in a world that you no longer relate to with people who will continue to deadname you and bring up your traumatic past for funzies and you aren't even allowed to reconciliate with your daughter or other closest friends because they have a happy life without you bumming them out with your depression and we wouldn't want you to burden them with your feelings of uselessness and crippling lack of self worth now would we? Now go hang out with a literal child you 59+ year old man, you have therapy in an hour."
hey i wanna point out that cripple is like. a slur a lot of ppl still use it in this kind of context w/o thinking but u can just say like, debilitating instead theres not any reason to use it
ik its just like habit tho bc its still kinda common so to respond to the ask ,
KSBDJWBDJWBJDBWJDNWJDBWJDBWJDBWJDBWJDBWJSHHSB
They just could NOT be assed to resolve or address any of his emotional issues huh!!!!!!!! Yeah Simon, we know you think you suck, and you are suicidally depressed, and you are traumatized from both living through the apocalypse and spending a thousand years trapped under a curse, and the world changed without you so you now feel fundamentally out of place, can’t relate to people around you, and none of your skills are applicable anymore, and you are being crushed under the guilt of the love of your life making an unfathomably giant sacrifice to save you, and you wanted to see her again and apologize for not being able to bring her back so so badly that you were willing to kidnap a guy and keep him in a cage in your house for it, and you feel absolutely no sense of purpose in your life and have nothing to do anymore, but like, we have a really really great idea for how we’re gonna deal with that: we WON’T! We just Won’t Address It. You get to mention how you were willing to basically die because you felt like your life was worthless ONE time, and it will be after you regain the will to LIVE because you… got… told that you fucked everything up with your fiancé because you were apparently super selfish on accident? Now you’re just gonna go back home and be happy now. No yeah nothing changed in either your life or your mental state but we have to pretend it did because the story is over now. Your happy ending montage will casually feature you happily drinking at the bar. Don’t think about episode 4. Oh huh what’s that? What about your daughter figure who you felt you weren’t important to and would just be burdening and worrying with your difficult emotions, which seemed to be leading to you choosing to have a genuine and honest talk with her in the end? No she doesn’t even get mentioned, let alone show up on screen. Also Betty may or may not be dead. Yeah now that she cured your depression by telling you you fucked up she’s moving on with her life or something by which we may or may not mean reincarnating. Yeah we might have fridged her. Happy ending for everyone!
the therapy scene hits a special nerve like good for him but oh my god. i cant actually think of any other examples, but i feel like ive seen too many things decide that the way to portray healing as a difficult nonlinear thing is to. directly state “This is going to be complicated and hard!” and then not actually show it being complicated or hard now that they’ve acknowledged it. like dude all we actually see in that ending is just him being happy. you really made it seem like he is just Fine now. guys. guys what happened to his everything
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this just in: Irish loser is Sad™ because all my friends can go and do shit but not me apparently
Vent under the cut, I'm really sorry about this but I have to get it off my chest (it's nothing too serious but it is kinda long)
I'm eighteen. I've voted twice. I've finished secondary school. People my age are planning holidays and going to college and moving out and actually living life, and I feel like I'm falling behind so so much.
I don't have a bank account. I don't have a passport or any form of photo ID with a date of birth. I don't even have (or want!) a driver's licence, I will circle back to that later though.
My parents (particularly my mom) keep saying they'll help me get set up with all the above but because Mom's busy with work and Dad's really forgetful, it never gets done.
It's gotten to a point where I don't actually see a point in getting these things set up, for the following reasons:
I haven't had my name legally changed yet so everything would be set up under my deadname. Which. Fuck that.
For a bank account to make sense I would need money and I live in literally the textbook definition of "rural ass farming town" so the only jobs around that don't need experience are working in the supermarket or food service. I would, and I'm not exaggerating here, rather launch myself into a black hole than do those jobs because I've heard from my neurotypical peers how hard they are so I can only imagine how awful it would be for someone with autism like myself. My only other option is to try and get unemployment benefits but like. What would I even be spending the money on? Certainly not a house (the housing market in Ireland is literally impossible) and not a holiday either.
For a passport to make sense I would need to be able to travel, and quite aside from the No Money thing (see above) I've been fucked over by fate yet again because Mom doesn't trust me to go places on my own. She's only quite recently started letting me take the bus to a town half an hour away with friends. I don't even see the use in asking her to go on a train/plane/ferry unaccompanied because I know for a fact she'd say no. She'd say something along the lines of "we should do this together a few times first" which, understandable, but then she's so tired from work and busy with housework on the weekends that that never ends up coming to fruition. Add to that my crippling anxiety, catastrophic thinking and fear of the unknown, and I have basically conditioned myself into thinking I can never go anywhere more than a half hour's drive away without a parent.
I do not want to learn to drive. My dad keeps telling me I should because it would give me freedom, except no it wouldn't. It's not like I could use his car because he needs to go places too, and I could probably never afford my own car cause that shit is expensive as hell to run and maintain, so I really see no sense in learning. Also, I have the navigational skills of a teaspoon, so I would be basically guaranteed to get lost.
All of this has come to a point where I'm super hesitant to ask for anything because I know that either my parents will outright say no, or I'll end up chickening out because they'll remind me there's probably something I haven't thought of. (Mind, they don't often fully explain what)
And this was fine a few years ago when I had no friends and couldn't see how people actually lived their lives, but as my friends are all telling me about things they plan to do, I guess I'm having a lot of realisations.
The first time a classmate of mine said she was going on a holiday independently with some friends of hers, my first immediate thought was, "Do her parents just not care?" This would've been a little over two years ago, when I and all my class were around 16.
Now, though, I'm realising that teens going places on their own is actually NORMAL and that, big surprise, I'm once again the weird one. I told Mom about this and her response was "there's no right speed to do life at" which is right, you shouldn't do things if you don't feel ready to do them, but I don't know, something about this whole situation feels kinda wrong to me.
Here's the thing that's made me emotional today though.
The big Pride festival in Ireland is on June 29th. I wanted to go last year with my friends but Mom said no because it would be "too crowded" and "what if something goes wrong and I can't be there for you" and all that. And the worst part? She's right. It would have been very overwhelming.
Anyway this year, my friends aren't going, so even if by some miracle Mom's answer was going to change, I would feel awkward not being able to go with anyone I knew. So I'm not even gonna ask.
The way I see it, I can't move on with my life in any way as it stands. I can't release music, or publish books, or sign up to act in anything, until I get my name changed, because I do not want to be renowned under my deadname.
But I also feel like I can't change my name until I move out. My parents say they need to know where I am all the time, to the point where I once had an outing with a group of friends interrupted by a call from my father because I had left with the group from the coffee shop he'd dropped me off at, to a different shop somewhere else, two minutes' walk away.
I don't know. I feel like I have no freedom or independence and I'm genuinely unsure whether this is normal for people my age, or if it's an autism thing, or if my parents (again, particularly my mother) are being weird.
Basically what I'm wondering is
Is it healthy to be in this situation? And if not, how can I get out of it?
Again, I'm really really sorry about this, I know I don't usually get all personal on here but just. I feel weird about this and need some advice or at the very least a virtual shoulder to cry on
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