#and happened over a long period of time
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the fact that shakespeare was a playwright is sometimes so funny to me. just the concept of the "greatest writer of the English language" being a random 450-year-old entertainer, a 16th cent pop cultural sensation (thanks in large part to puns & dirty jokes & verbiage & a long-running appeal to commoners). and his work was made to be watched not read, but in the classroom teachers just hand us his scripts and say "that's literature"
just...imagine it's 2450 A.D. and English Lit students are regularly going into 100k debt writing postdoc theses on The Simpsons screenplays. the original animation hasn't even been preserved, it's literally just scripts and the occasional SDH subtitles.txt. they've been republished more times than the Bible
#due to the Great Data Decay academics write viciously argumentative articles on which episodes aired in what order#at conferences professors have known to engage in physically violent altercations whilst debating the air date number of household viewers#90% of the couch gags have been lost and there is a billion dollar trade in counterfeit “lost copies”#serious note: i'll be honest i always assumed it was english imperialism that made shakespeare so inescapable in the 19th/20th cent#like his writing should have become obscure at the same level of his contemporaries#but british imperialists needed an ENGLISH LANGUAGE (and BRITISH) writer to venerate#and shakespeare wrote so many damn things that there was a humongous body of work just sitting there waiting to be culturally exploited...#i know it didn't happen like this but i imagine a English Parliament House Committee Member For The Education Of The Masses or something#cartoonishly stumbling over a dusty cobwebbed crate labelled the Complete Works of Shakespeare#and going 'Eureka! this shall make excellent propoganda for fabricating a national identity in a time of great social unrest.#it will be a cornerstone of our elitist educational institutions for centuries to come! long live our decaying empire!'#'what good fortune that this used to be accessible and entertaining to mainstream illiterate audience members...#..but now we can strip that away and make it a difficult & alienating foundation of a Classical Education! just like the latin language :)'#anyway maybe there's no such thing as the 'greatest writer of x language' in ANY language?#maybe there are just different styles and yes levels of expertise and skill but also a high degree of subjectivity#and variance in the way that we as individuals and members of different cultures/time periods experience any work of media#and that's okay! and should be acknowledged!!! and allow us to give ourselves permission to broaden our horizons#and explore the stories of marginalized/underappreciated creators#instead of worshiping the List of Top 10 Best (aka Most Famous) Whatevers Of All Time/A Certain Time Period#anyways things are famous for a reason and that reason has little to do with innate “value”#and much more to do with how it plays into the interests of powerful institutions motivated to influence our shared cultural narratives#so i'm not saying 'stop teaching shakespeare'. but like...maybe classrooms should stop using it as busy work that (by accident or designs)#happens to alienate a large number of students who could otherwise be engaging critically with works that feel more relevant to their world#(by merit of not being 4 centuries old or lacking necessary historical context or requiring untaught translation skills)#and yeah...MAYBE our educational institutions could spend less time/money on shakespeare critical analysis and more on...#...any of thousands of underfunded areas of literary research i literally (pun!) don't know where to begin#oh and p.s. the modern publishing world is in shambles and it would be neat if schoolwork could include modern works?#beautiful complicated socially relevant works of literature are published every year. it's not just the 'classics' that have value#and actually modern publications are probably an easier way for students to learn the basics. since lesson plans don't have to include the#important historical/cultural context many teens need for 20+ year old media (which is older than their entire lived experience fyi)
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lit-in-thy-heart · 1 year ago
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been trying out a new writing technique recently and it's called chilling tf out and reminding myself that fic is written for fun.
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snowflakeselfships · 2 months ago
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A family can be an evolved former circus orangutan, a former primate sanctuary employee who's abandoned humanity, and their adopted human daughter. And that's beautiful <3
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bondagebimbo · 14 days ago
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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orcelito · 2 months ago
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Actually, on the topic of the baby fever. God it's so frustrating. Bc when I was like 14 ish I was Adamant that I never ever wanted kids. And my dad said smth around the lines of "that'll likely change" (probably from his own experience with this) and I was like NO. it WONT.
And then eventually, age 21-22 ish, I admitted that Okay, I still don't want to have my own kids, but someday maybe I'll adopt...
And Now, 27 years old, I got the general baby fever on occasion. It Did fucking change. And I don't know if I actually WILL bother with having my own kid (I still don't want to go through the hassle and massive body changes). But god. I do see a fucking baby and feel that stab of longing. It's almost like my damned hormones betrayed me or smth. Maddening!
I shall simply write fanfic about it.
#speculation nation#pregnancy ment/#honestly though i hadnt felt the wish to have my own until after my dad died#and i realized just how small our family is getting. and just felt this stab of NEED. to continue the line. continue the family.#my family's fucking dying around me i need to add to it. need more family. yknow?#so i dont actually know if this is. because of hormones or because of grief or What#but it was enough for me to put the hysterectomy idea on hold. bc id been genuinely considering it back in like. april? or so.#but then this happened and now im like. fuck dude. i dont know. but the uncertainty's enough to keep me from doing it.#yeah i dont wanna deal with periods anymore. but also. i need more time to decide.#i think no matter what i do want to raise kids someday. once im more stable (financially and emotionally)#but whether thats adoption or putting myself thru fuckin body torture. well i'll just have to decide. later.#maybe the deciding factor will be my own body aging lol. if i wait too long. my body will decide for me. who knows!#i Have thought about what id do if i got accidentally pregnant. especially relevant back when i was sleeping with a trans woman#and used to be id abort no hesitation. but well. i mean abortions illegal here anyways rn so id have to go to another state#but if i decided it i could make it work. it's not That far of a trip.#but. when i thought about it. the concern was less about the theoretical baby. and more about finishing school.#thinking 'man itd be fucking awful to finish school if i got pregnant right now'. but not. hesitating over the baby.#if i was out of school and relatively stable and i got accidentally pregnant. then. well. Maybe.#so me doing my dad vash au where he gets accidentally pregnant and goes all in with it#thats me. sorting out my feelings on it i guess. putting them somewhere.#idk. it's a lot to think about. i dont want to condemn a child to my genetic problems. but at the same time...#i dont know. To Be Decided Later.
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vessel214 · 3 months ago
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hi lotf fandom👋
im considering making a post island au (+ a blog for it) and im curious about if anyone would be interested
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iraprince · 2 years ago
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Sorry if you've already said but can I ask what age you started drawing? I'm in my twenties wondering what sort of skill level I can acquire if I haven't been applying myself very much before this point
i have been drawing for as long as i can remember. i started wanting to actively improve my technical skills when i was a teenager; i think i started learning how to actually actively improve my technical skills (on purpose instead of by accident, lol!) in my 20s.
(also -- as wordy as it may be, you'll notice i'm really particular about saying "technical skill" over and over! this is because it is only one factor of what drawing is, but a lot of times when ppl talk about being "good at" drawing, tech skill is what they really mean. when i say technical skill, i'm usually referring to draftsmanship, the ability to draw things not just accurately/realistically, but as they appear in your head; your hand doing what your mind tells you to, your ability to meet your own intentions/expectations for a piece, however it makes sense to conceptualize it. it is NOT the most important part of drawing, not by a long shot, but realistically it's often the sticking point for people who are learning + it can be one of the big struggles in keeping morale up.)
these may seem like finicky distinctions to make, but to me they make sense! bc the benefit we may have starting as adults is a better grasp of how to CONSCIOUSLY study and improve on specific areas of a skill, vs the passive improvement that will generally happen from pure directionless repetition. i feel that i've had jumps in my technical skill level over the course of a year or two as an adult that are bigger than my improvement through all of middle + high school, for example -- and i bring this up bc if what ur concerned about is technical skill, that is not purely 100% about time invested, and starting later than some does not mean you're at some kind of massive insurmountable disadvantage.
in that specific example, the difference as an adult was going into it with intentional curiosity and a drive to specifically improve, vs middle + high school was six years of me happily drawing the same 4-5 characters floating from the waist up in perpetuity. were those years wasted bc i wasn't drilling myself and doing studies? fuck no! but my progress was different, bc i was focused on other, equally important parts of learning to draw. (like discovering + honing my own tastes, consuming a lot of media that inspired me, and having fun!!!!)
SO, anyway, my personal perspective on the skill level u can attain if u start now: the same as anyone else!! and i don't think i'm being like, sunny or unreasonably optimistic in saying so. i think keeping ur chin up and being patient w urself as u learn to draw is generally way harder than actually drawing, for literally everyone. u have to make a lot of dogshit drawings to eventually make good ones, and that is the part that's actually really really hard. but u can make decisions about how and where to apply the time u invest that may show u visible progress in ways you'll find surprising! (pls balance that time with shit that's just fun, too.)
in case it's helpful, i'll leave u with a different very wordy multi-para response where i talk about where to start if you'd like to learn to draw with no/little prior experience: here! it's def not comprehensive and is totally colored by my own opinions/perspective on art, and specifically on illustration/comics, but i hope it might be a starting point :)
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lightblueminecraftorchid · 21 days ago
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me when the dissociation causes memory loss: *surprised Pikachu*
#blue chatter#listen. LISTEN. usually when I dissociate I remember a LITTLE bit#like. I am distant from my body and I feel fuzzy and lose time rly easily#but there’s lil hook events that will pull me a little closer and I’ll remember like. impressions of them. before I can move/react to them.#USUALLY this means I’ll remember receiving ice from my roommate as a grounding tool even if I don’t ’snap out of it’#but APPARENTLY yesterday my brain was on the dissociation train for TOO LONG#bc not only did I forget that one of my roommates went upstairs until well after he’d left#but apparently my roommate gave me ice. and I held it. and put it in my mouth. and I don’t remember that AT ALL.#like. not even a sense of when that happened or what else must have been going on that I forgot#I don’t know where that blank spot is in the timeline of ‘spaced the fuck out’#which. again. happened for OVER THREE HOURS off and on.#I know that we were watching Bob’s Burgers and that my roommate told me that I missed a full episode all in a row#but I don’t know which episode#because I don’t fully remember *any* of them#bc I was in and out all night#*screams*#why can’t my brain be normal!#I know what triggered this most likely. I had therapy yesterday and I have an exam today that I’m really nervous about#and I did homework for three hours yesterday after therapy so I didn’t have a long rest period afterwards like I usually do#*flops on the ground* when will my brain return from the war for good…#this better not fucking happen on Friday I have to drive places
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kikuism · 3 months ago
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the reason the kaname doc is taking forever is 1) i don't know if i want the story to be lush and meandering or fast and punchy and 1) i don't know if kaname is an unstoppable force or immovable object
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pepprs · 1 year ago
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ok i survived yom kippur. but it took every single scrap of strength in my body and i’m not completely better yet
#purrs#food#ask to tag#got my period thursday… bad cramps friday and saturday to the point where i had to go home early saturday (we were working lol 🤪)…. woke up#sunday with a. headache that got worse and worse throughout the day… 5-6 hours into the fast was in agony and felt like i was going to ****#so i… broke the fast and ate something at like 1am. then woke up in agony at 5am and then again at 9am and had a breakdown / fight with my#mom and then spend the whole rest of the fast deathly nauseous and my head hurting worse than ever. broke the fast an hour before everyone#else did (only ate a tiny bit) and then during the fast breaking dinner i started freaking out bc eating wasn’t making my head hurt less so#my grandpa told me to go lie down with a heating pad on my head and i did and slept for like 2 hours and it helped. finally feel better but#my head still hurts faintly and im scared it’ll come back. also i didn’t do my homework and missed class today to fast so im fucked#ive had headaches like this before but this is the worst one in a LONG time. it wasn’t a migraine bc those are in one specific spot iirc but#this was like… my ENTIRE face and the source of the pain migrated from my jaw to my temple to the bridge of my nose to the back of my head#etc etc and it kept moving around and was so sharp i didn’t even have the strength to open my eyes or walk around. and i think it was making#me interpret hunger as nausea. also i took my temperature bc i was flashing hot and cold and was like 2 degrees under normal body temp and#felt so weak and shaky and had body aches too. lol 😍 hpefully the worst of it is over but my head still hurts a little and im so scared itll#happen again. that was by far my worst fasting experience ever#delete later
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werewolfnat · 7 months ago
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Being on my period normally sucks in general, but being on my period after the last one was only 2 weeks ago is a whole new level of suckyness, especially seeing as I had to take meds to stop it last time... I just hope that this cycle is it going back to normal and I won't have to go to the doctor's for more meds to make it so again because my doctor's fucking sucks...
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dirt-str1der · 1 year ago
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I miss y5 so much kiryu is trying his best to just be some guy and everybody in the world keeps trying to seek him out and tell him no ur not
#Yakuza loveblog#like NO YOURE NOT it was your endorsement that made daigo chairman it was your street cred and influence that made so many things happen and#people still listen to you and you still have a job to do .... i do wish i could get driven around by that hot taxi driver though#like literally i do like aizawa because he made a fair point about daigo being chairman#sohei dojima was a pos but the dojima family was extremely influential in the tojo clan and yayoi YAYOI <333 🔥🔥🔥 was acting chairwoman for a#time that was crazy ... like howd she get up there !!! and then she just bailed#anyway daigos her son and she wanted him to be chairman so he was chairman and it was during a crisis period too and daigo just had to step#in to clear some things up and he ended up literally being chairman forever and he outlasted charman 3 to 5 i do lole him hes awesome#like i really like the fact that kashiwagi and yayoi were running the clan in yk2. power couple. also i like to think they were using the#hq as a hotel and just living there because it would be funny and theyre ALWAYS there#anyway daigo didnt even want to be chairman thats the difference between them he wishes he could be a punk again but now hes a politician#and keeps getting so shot and comatose every day like he has lasted so long but hes the chairman that has taken the most damage#he literally is just a little baby too like all his associates or almost all are older than him its so funny#i am completely dumbfounded over the fact that daigo literally sought kiryu out and asked him directly for advice and kiryu was like figure#it out ho and daigo is saying are you saying i should be more independent? and then he killed himself#daigo-chan lets go kill ourselves. okay majima-san.
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wewontbesleeping · 9 months ago
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ohhh man i just know ttpd is going to be. a lot. to handle for me
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meatriarch · 10 months ago
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im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );
can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.
but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.
you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,
that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.
that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.
and in that moment everything seems solidified.
you're never getting away.
there's no point in it.
there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.
you're dead.
not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.
what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?
who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?
the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.
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#[ ♡ ] ── * maria f. / 𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦.#[ 𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘦. ] ── * queue.#[ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦. ] ── * cold case.#[ 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦. ] ── * no one saved you.#for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the#broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill.#who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to#do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of#connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated.#SO fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you.#who talks to you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist#like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion.#but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living.#and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then?#for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now.#why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now?#in nosy she suppresses it w. her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came back#20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then? at any point in the last two decades?
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indigoipsum · 2 years ago
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My fandom progression:
2010-2011: Fruits Basket
2012-2013: Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Team Starkid
2014-2015: Hetalia
2014-2019: Kuroshitsuji
2015-2016: Free!, DMMD
2016-Now: Patalliro
2017-2020: Jojo
2020: HxH, ACNH
2018-2022: Drag Race
2021: Sk8, Owl House
2022: WWDITS, Amphibia
2023: Kuroshitsuji
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meatriarchived · 1 year ago
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i did not sleep yay for me im still on my fuckshit but when i think of cc maria ( by extension also nosy maria but specifically noting the isolation aspect of cc );
can you imagine one day skimming the paper. its been a few weeks since all the commotion knowing your friends' had attempted to come find you but then were chased off. never actually heard or saw any of them, but you know they were around.
but you've been moved from the cells to a mattress upstairs. you're given more freedom, more wiggle room, you're allowed to do things - little hobby-type activities - you're given better foods, you're looked after by the older woman at the other house. the man who took you, who terrifies you still to some degree, slowly doesn't feel like such a stranger anymore, you're right to still be cautious around him but as the days, the weeks, pass by, there's simply a different air about him, and in the shack. lighter, in a sense.
you find yourself growing used to the new daily - the new routine. of waking to the sound of him getting ready for the day, of being left alone in there for hours sometimes, others trailing after him like a duckling, around the older womans' property, helping with an array of tasks. and you worry about upsetting her at first, unsure if doing so will earn a knife to the throat. you listen, you do as you're told, you find some kind of way to co-exist - all the while still, in the back of your mind, there's still a ray of hope,
that maybe, maybe, since the rest of them got away - that they're merely licking their wounds, that they'll get word out and even with all the silence since they had been on the property, there's that shred of hope that maybe? someone will waltz in, guns blazing so to speak, and you'll get out of this hell finally.
that is, until that day - that you're skimming through the paper, and you recognize yourself in a little column - and you realize you're staring at your own fucking obituary.
and in that moment everything seems solidified.
you're never getting away.
there's no point in it.
there's no one out there who are still trying to find you, get you back, bring you home, back to your mothers' arms, back to being an older sister, back to the circle of friends you loved so dearly.
you're dead.
not just to the world, but to those you loved - those who claimed to have loved you, too.
what else do you have at that point? where else do you go, even if you still tried to leave? who wouldn't look at you sideways for the blood that's already stained your hands? for the flesh caught between teeth?
who else is there, except the one murmuring encouragement and praise in your ear?
the only constant you've had in all these weeks? whose words rang true - clearly - that no one cared? that they abandoned you? left you there, didn't even care to make sure you were alive or not? only thought of themselves and got the fuck outta there without confirming if you were even still alive.
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#for cc maria its just. theres literally no one else. the only constant has been johnny. hes the one who was there with her when the#broadcasts sounded off her searches being called off. the only one who ensured she ate - was clothed - was looked after when she fell ill.#who she could talk to. who in spite of all her escape attempts & all her attempts at trying to kill him kept her around - taught her how to#do things properly - protected her from others that'd be brought down below shack. honestly. her isolation in cc - only having any sort of#connection being with johnny for *months* before he trusted her enough to let her join him for longer periods - like its. complicated.#*so* fucking complicated. youre seen as dead to literally everyone else in existence - *except for him*. he who sees you. who hears you.#you speaks with you. looks after you. its hard not to find yourself becoming attached/devoted. to the only person who knows you still exist#like i mentioned for nosy its. theres lee there too now so its. a little different. it doesnt hit right away - the almost blind devotion.#but it still happens - over time - with the both of them. the last two people who for a time at least know you were even still living.#and its by the time ch2 rolls in for either cc/nosy its just. its so confusing to her. why they all bother returning then?#for cc its just. you all buried me in an empty box twenty years ago...you all moved on then. you accepted that. so why are you here now.#why are you re-opening wounds that shouldve been long buried - with that empty casket. why suddenly care now?#in nosy she suppresses it with her bitterness but cc i feel it comes out more like... grief & hurt. all over again. because if you came bac#20 yrs after the fact? then why DIDNT you return back then? why *now* and not then?#[ mf ] ── * 𝐇𝐂 / 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐄. { maria. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { cold case. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { no one saved you. }#[ mf ] ── * 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄. { we saved us. }
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