#and had zero effect on me cause i already formed my own opinions without the general vitriol and crazy ass wars

[deimcs]

honestly i miss the days when it was easy to NOT engage in fandom spaces, now i like one fanart on twitter and the algorithm suddenly thinks it's alright to regurgitate days and weeks worth of insane takes and rage baits

[helliontherapscallion]

(Y/n) and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week: Monday

Tuesday     Wednesday     Thursday (Part 1)     Thursday (Part 2)     Friday     Saturday     Sunday

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Pairing: SBI x sister!reader (she/her pronouns)

Warnings: swearing, toxic friends, panic spirals/attacks, injury, taking pills for pain

Summary: you have a very bad week, how will you manage? (Characters are fully human, but based on their DSMP characters. High school AU)

Word count: 4,818

(A/N): I’ve never played volleyball or watched Haikyuu before, so I’m not 100% certain how games work. Also, I probs should’ve split this into two parts, but eh.

“(Y/n) love, you look homeless in that sweater, it’s literally so fucking ugly.”

“Haha, yeah it is. I guess I just wasn’t really trying today.”

Adrian snorted, scanning your body with his cold eyes. “Today? You don’t try at all. You always look like trash.”

“More than trash, you always look like you just rolled in dog shit.” Sammy threw her head back and cackled at her own joke.

Your friends around you erupted in laughter as you four walked down the hallways of the hell that was your public high school. You awkwardly chuckled alongside them, you didn’t really find it funny, but you didn’t want to draw more attention towards yourself. 

“Seriously, (y/n), I really don’t know why we still hang out around you anymore. You really let yourself go.”

“Yeah, now that I think about it, you did gain like five pounds in the past week.”

“Really not a good look on you, love. Then again, nothing you do can make you look good anymore.”

You tried to not let their comments get to you, you really did, but sometimes their comments just rooted themselves deep into your subconscious. You didn’t try looking good anymore, you couldn’t wear anything without them criticising it. You could never win. 

“Awe,” Adrien poked your cheeks, “stop looking so sad. We’re just trying to give you advice. You really need it.”

“Yeah, (y/n). You’re so sensitive, get a grip.”

“Guys look, I think she’s gonna cry!” 

You wiped at your welling eyes with the sleeves of your sweater. “I’m not. I just got allergies.”

Annie rolled her eyes. “Uh-huh. Anyways, what are our plans for Halloween? We should totally dress up like sexy angels! I think that’d be so cool. Like, Clint’s party won’t be ready for us.”

“Oh, about that Annie…”

“God, what now (y/n)?”

“I was actually planning on spending Halloween night taking Tommy and Tubbo trick-or-treating with my brothers and dad. I won’t be able to go with you guys, I’m sorry.”

The group groaned loudly. “C’mon (y/n), you never hang out with us anymore.”

“Oh my god (y/n) you still go trick-or-treating? We’re juniors.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve just been busy with my AP classes and studying for the SAT. My team captain’s really been pushing the team hard with volleyball practice. State finals are soon and we want first this year.”

“No matter how much studying you do, you’re gonna fail. You’re stupid, so why try? Just give up and hang out with uuussss.”

“Yeah (y/n),” Adrien looked at you suspiciously, “you’ve been ignoring us lately. I thought we were friends. Do you even wanna be friends anymore?”

You felt a flare of panic flare up in your gut. “I do! I-I just have so much going on right now. It’s starting to get hard to juggle everything.”

“We’re starting to think that you don’t like us anymore, we want our (y/n) back!” Sammy whined. The others agreed with her, making you feel guilty. You were ignoring them, it was selfish in your opinion. You supposed that you could skip out on taking Tommy and Tubbo trick-or-treating, there’ll be other years you could take them. 

“I guess I can take Tommy and Tubbo another year. They’d just have to go without me this year.”

They cheered, giving you praise. You beamed at that, they seemed down lately and you loved it when they’d give you compliments. They didn’t do that much, so that made their praise more special to you. You strived to get compliments.

You four went off to your separate first classes for the day. Yours was statistics, a class you’ve been struggling in lately. You didn’t know anybody in there except for your oldest brother Techno, so you tried to stick with him. Unfortunately, the teacher’s seating chart placed you both on opposite ends of the room, probably because of your last names indicating that you’re siblings. You placed your stuff down on the table and plopped down into your seat, already drained. You had a long day ahead of you; you had a major AP world history test in your next class, you had to give a presentation in your AP english class that was worth a quarter of your final grade, and you had a semifinals volleyball match that would last until late in the night. If your team won, you would be going to state finals, so it was a lot of pressure on your shoulders. You were the main setter, so you had to really focus tonight if you were going to score your team points. 

“Alright class, pull out your homework!”

Fuck, you had homework? You looked in your folder, only to see the unfinished sheet full of equations you didn’t understand staring back at you tauntingly. Mr. Mullins walked over to your desk, took one look at your blank homework, and just walked right past you. Another big fat zero in the gradebook for you, just what you needed. At least he wasn’t in the mood to berate you today. You didn’t need any more stress piled onto your shoulders. 

The lesson felt like it dragged on forever with you frantically trying to copy down the notes on the board and trying to understand the content at the same time. Overtime, he would call students up to the board. Hopefully, he would skip over you today. “Ms. Minecraft.” Goddamn it, you spoke too soon.

Your head perked up and you looked at him. “Yes sir?”

“Come up to the board and solve this.”

Gulping, you felt panic rise up in you and stood up with shaky knees. On the board was part of the newer content he was just teaching. Something that you understood only a little bit better than the rest, and that’s not saying much. You still didn’t understand the content completely. Your writing was shaky as you wrote what you thought was right on the board. Finding the answer, you circled it and looked at Mr. Mullins. He looked disappointed. 

“That’s wrong, Ms. Minecraft. Please sit down.”

You felt like your face was on fire as you saw the entire class burning holes into you with their eyes. Though they looked dead inside, as per usual with any morning class full of tired teenagers, their effects still took hold on you. You wanted to crawl into a dark hole and die. You sat back down and stared at your note packet, you couldn’t focus on the lecture anymore. Your attention was fully on your surroundings, you were hyper aware of every little whisper and bouncing leg in your peripheral vision. You could feel yourself spiraling, usually that wouldn’t happen until after your third class. Today was going to be rough. 

The loud chime of the bell startled you out of your thoughts. You shakily put your papers back into your binder and put the binder back into your backpack. Right as you were about to walk through the door, you heard Techno catch up to you. “Hey, you good?”

“Yeah Tech, I’m just peachy.”

“Are you su-”

“Technoblade. I’m fine. Now if you excuse me, I have to get to my next class. I have an important presentation I’ve gotta prepare for.”

Without giving him any room to argue, you rushed off to your english class. You had Adrian and Annie in your class. For your presentation, you were paired up with people that you hardly knew. At least they did their part in the project, you were certain you were going to die if you got paired up with Adrian and Annie again. You loved them, but they never did any part of their portion of work. They left it to you to finish at midnight the day the project was due. To be fair, they both told you they had family emergencies, so you covered for them just that once. 

You pulled out your flashcards only to have them knocked out of your hand when someone bumped into you. You quickly crouched to pick them up so you could have them in order by time class started. “Oops, sorry love.”

It was Annie. She and Adrian towered over your crouched form smirking at you. Looking back down to rearrange your cards, you murmured “it’s ok.”

“Are you ready for this presentation, I know I am.”

You smiled a little. “Actually, I think I’m going to ace this. English is my best subject.”

“Yeah (y/n), I wasn’t asking you. I was talking to Annie. Besides, you’re probably going to fail this.” Adrian scoffed. 

“Thank you for asking, Adrian,” Annie shot a pointed look at you, “at least someone cares.”

The bell rang, signifying the start of your second block. You felt like you had a lump in your throat blocking your breathing. If Adrian, one of the smartest kids in your english class, said that you were going to fail, then you probably were going to fail. That would take a huge hit on your grade, this project was worth a quarter of your final grade after all. You were zoned out for the entirety of your classmate’s presentations putting yourself into a spiral. You jumped when Mr. Todd, your teacher, called your group up to present.

You stood stiffly in the middle of your two groupmates and clutched your flashcards with clammy hands. Luckily, your part of the presentation was not first. When it came to your part, you were stuttering and tumbling over your words. You even dropped your flashcards in front of everybody, causing half the class to snicker. Your face burned as you hurried to pick them up and your other groupmate took this as a signal to continue the presentation. You still had an important point to make that was integral for the set up to your other groupmate’s part of her presentation. You stared at your flashcards for the rest of the presentation. 

When the bell rang, you made a mad dash out of the classroom. You didn’t want to talk to anybody, especially not Adrian or Annie. It was a relief that you had your lunch period at the moment. You could hide yourself in the bathroom nobody used and let your panic attack ride itself out. 

You ducked inside a stall and sat on the toilet, bringing your knees up to bury your face in them. The tears and panic you were holding in all day let itself out with explosive effects. You started to hyperventilate as you muffled your sobs with your knee. Your chest painfully clenched so you couldn’t breathe. Your limbs felt like they weighed two tons each and they were shaking intensely. You didn’t hear the end of the lunch bell ring. By the time you calmed down slightly, you were five minutes late to AP world history. 

You packed your stuff up in a hurry, power walking through the halls. You probably looked like shit, but you didn’t care, you had a class to get to and a test that you probably wouldn’t be able to finish now. You lost ten minutes of your test time. When you tried to open the closed door, you found that it was locked. You had to knock if you wanted to get in. You raised a shaking hand to knock, but the door was opened by a less-than-impressed Ms. Osborne. She ushered you to your desk and gave you your unit test. 

You couldn’t focus. The multiple choice section was usually a breeze to you, but you couldn’t comprehend any of the questions. When you could comprehend them, you couldn’t concentrate on choosing an answer. You did your best to find the correct answers, but you were almost positive that at least half of them were wrong. Your handwriting was nearly incomprehensible and your essay topic was something you didn’t study for. When you were done with half of the body paragraphs, the bell rang and you had to turn in your unfinished test. 

You had your independent online psychology course next in the library. You usually worked alone secluded in a corner deep inside the library where nobody went. You would get some solace in being alone. Maybe you’d calm down enough so that you could ride home with your brothers and not go for a long walk so you could avoid them. 

You settled down in the comfortable chair and pulled out your laptop to get started. Psychology was your favorite class. It was easy for you to understand, it didn’t have much of a workload attached to it, and it was fun to learn about. It always calmed you down reading about the intricate workings of the brain. 

By time the day was over, you got most of your psychology work done and you were on your way to the car you shared with Technoblade and Wilbur. You took out your spare keys and slumped against the window in the backseat. You were absolutely drained after your terrible day and you still felt panic swirling deep within you, waiting for the right moment to strike. 

You stretched out your legs across the seat and leaned your back against the door. For the first time that day, you felt peaceful. You still had at least fifteen minutes to yourself until your brothers would start to make your way to the car. You felt the panic subside slightly and you fully relaxed. You closed your eyes and let yourself drift off into a light sleep. You needed your energy for tonight’s match. 

The door you were leaning on swung open and you tumbled backwards smacking the back of your head against the metal frame of the car and reverse scorpioning onto the pavement. Your entire upper back and the back of your head exploded in pain and your lower back hurt slightly from having your back bent uncomfortably. You heard laughter above you as you felt tears of pain start to slip out of your eyes. Your legs swung out from their place above your face and landed on the ground with a painful thump. 

You saw three blurry figures above you laughing at your pain. You reached up with a shaky hand to wipe at your tears and saw Adrian, Sammy, and Annie. They were cackling as you shakily stood up and sat on the comfortable seats of the car. You waited patiently for them to calm down. 

Eventually, Sammy calmed down enough to explain what happened to you through chuckles. “I’m sorry (y/n), it was just too good to resist. You should’ve seen your face.”

She and the others broke back into uncontrolled laughter as they remembered your embarrassing fall. You were used to their antics, and quite frankly it felt good to make your friends laugh, even if it were at your own expense. Just as they were calming down once again, you saw Wilbur and Techno walk out the front doors of the school laughing at something the other said. Annie and Sammy heard their laughter and quickly turned around to watch them. They had massive crushes on both of your brothers, many in the school did. 

Your brothers made their way to your shared car and stopped to look at you in slight confusion. “(Y/n), were you crying? What happened?” Wilbur asked worriedly. 

“Yea-”

“Oh Wilbur, it was terrible, (y/n) fell out of the car. I don’t think she closed the door before she leaned on it.” Annie interrupted you with a faked concerned tone, a complete contradiction to her reaction before your brothers came.

Techno hastily made his way to the driver’s side door. “Well, if she’s hurt we better get going, right Wilbur?”

“Yes! We better get going, please excuse us.” He sat in the passenger seat and closed the door without hearing Sammy and Annie’s desperate attempts to stop them so they could talk to them. Your brothers thought Sammy and Annie were annoying. They absolutely hated being around them. 

Waving apologetically at your friends, you pulled yourself into the car and closed the door. Annie and Sammy looked offended that you had let Wilbur and Techno get away from them. Avoiding their eyes, you looked down at your tightly clasped hands. They were shaking slightly. 

After pulling out of the parking lot, Techno glanced at you from the rearview mirror. “You ok (y/n)?”

“Yeah, my back just hurts and I have a headache.”

“Well, do you wanna go and get some ice cream? We still have some time left before we have to pick up Tommy and Tubbo. Dad doesn’t have to know,” Wilbur asked you.

You sighed, you wanted nothing other than to take a nap before your match. “Sorry, but I need to watch what I eat today. We have semifinals tonight and I can’t have anything sugary. I just wanna go home and take a nap.”

Your brothers were quiet for the rest of the car ride until you reached your driveway. Techno twisted his body around in his seat to look at you after he put the car in park. “Did you actually fall out of the car?”

Shit, should you tell him the truth? If you did, they would almost certainly get mad at your friends. Sammy and Annie would never forgive you if you turned your brothers against them. You decided that you would take one for the team again. “Yeah, I wasn’t paying attention.” 

Techno snorted. “Well, that was stupid,” he jokingly said. “Next time you’re gonna get run over by a parked car.”

You knew that he meant that as a joke, but it still stung. Stamping your emotions down, you laughed with him and Wilbur. It was stupid of you to do, you shouldn’t have let your guard down if you weren’t at home. 

You winced as you slung your bag on your back and walked the best you could back into your house. Your upper back was killing you. You made a beeline to the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet looking for some pain relief pills. You took some and shambled off to your room to take your well earned nap. You set your alarm’s setting to its loudest volume and passed out. 

You jolted up and gasped when you felt a wave of pain hit your upper back. You blearily looked at the time. You had a little under two hours before you had to get back to the school for your match. You groaned when you pulled yourself up, your head pounding with every turn. You pulled yourself out of bed and once again took some pain pills. You went downstairs to grab an apple or something to eat. Your dad was at the stove stirring something around in a pot. 

He turned to look at you with an excited smile. “You ready for your match tonight? You’re gonna kill it!” 

You only nodded halfheartedly and plopped yourself down at the table with your apple. Philza frowned at your lack of enthusiasm, but he figured that it was just because you just woke up from a nap. You’d bounce back eventually. 

“Wilbur told me that you fell out of the car? How’d you do that?”

You shrugged, wincing slightly as it moved your back slightly. “Dunno, must’ve not closed the door.”

Philza was at your side in a hurry, his hands hovering over your shoulders. “Did you get hurt? Show me where it hurts.”

“My back and the back of my head.”

“Can I move your shirt so I could look?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

You felt him gently pull the neck of your t-shirt away from your body to peek at your back. You heard his breath hitch as he looked. Was it that bad? “Good god (y/n),” he breathed out.

“What, is it bad?”

“Don’t you feel how bad it is? Your entire back is bruised. I think there’s some blood too.”

“Damn.”

“First, language. Second, that’s all you have to say? Aren’t you in pain?”

“Yeah, but the pain pills are gonna kick in soon. I’ll be fine.”

“Would you be able to play tonight? I really think you should sit this one out.”

“No, I’m playing tonight Dad.”

“(Y/n),” oh no, he was using his stern dad voice. “It’s not a good idea to play tonight. You’re hurt, I’m sure they’ll understand if you sit this one out.”

You felt frustration rise up in you. “We’re in the semifinals. They need me, I’m the main setter. They’d lose without me playing.”

“(Y/n), I’m serious. You’re not playing today.”

“Dad, I am playing today. Look, I’ll talk to Coach Williams to see if I could be rotated out more often. I know she’d let me.”

He stared at you for a while before sighing. He knew there was no convincing you. “...Fine. But you better talk to Coach Williams about sitting out for a bit if your back hurts too much or I swear I’ll drag you off the court myself.”

You smiled a little at the small victory. “Thank you! I promise I’ll sit out if needed.”

He quirked an eyebrow at you. “If needed?”

You sighed, “when needed.”

He walked over to the pot, stirring the contents slightly. “That’s better. Dinner’s almost ready, I made some pasta.”

“It smells good, but I think I’m skipping out on it for today. I already ate this apple and if I eat any more I’ll probably hurl on the court.”

He made a displeased noise in the back of his throat, “fine, but you’re eating something when we get home tonight.”

He walked off to go get your brothers and Tubbo for dinner. You could hear their booming steps racing down the stairs towards the kitchen. They raced into the kitchen and almost crashed into the back of your chair. You stood up and looked at the two excitable fifth graders. “Careful boys, don’t want you getting hurt.”

“You’re no fun (y/n),” Tommy whined.

“Sure, sorry bout that,” Tubbo beamed at you.

You chuckled, making your way upstairs to get ready for your match. You took off your clothes with great difficulty and slipped on your jersey and your spandex shorts. They were way too short for your tastes, but you couldn’t wear longer ones, they’d just get in the way. You fondly remembered how your dad flipped out when he first saw you in them, he hated them with a burning passion. He still hates how short they are.

When you were struggling with pulling your hair back into a tight, sleek ponytail, the back of your head throbbed continuously with pain. You most likely bruised your scalp. 

You slipped on your shoes that were made specifically for playing volleyball and headed downstairs. You were met with Tommy and Tubbo jumping in excitement seeing you in your uniform. They loved going to your matches, even if they would always pass out in the car after them because matches usually ended late at night. You grabbed your dad’s keys and headed to his car. Before you could lead the boys out the door, Philza’s voice stopped you.

“(Y/n), coat.”

You huffed, grabbing your coat and putting it on before tossing him his keys. You four got into the car and set out for the high school. The short drive was filled with Tommy and Tubbo asking you questions about volleyball and encouraging you. “(Y/n), you’re gonna kick their butts!”

“Yeah!” Tubbo cheered 

Despite their voices causing a spike of pain to shoot throughout your head, you laughed at their enthusiasm. It was always nice to hear your little brother and pseudo brother in the stands cheering you on, they were your and your team’s personal cheerleaders. 

Not long after you got to the school, you were stretching with your team on the gym’s floor. Your posse found their way into the stands, sitting in the front row. The away team watched your team like a hawk, analysing every single player for any weakness. It was because of them that you tried to not show any pain when you moved your back. You talked to Coach Williams before the team stretch and she was obviously sympathetic with your situation. She agreed to switching you out with the standby setter every few rotations. 

The echo of the whistles caused pain to ring in your head every time someone scored or a foul was called. Your team captain, Haley, was constantly, yet discreetly checking on you throughout the game since she was always next to you. She was the team’s main spiker after all. 

The game droned on and on before you realized that the opposing team was targeting you when they were offensive. They probably realized that you were injured a round ago. You tried your best to block every ball that was sent your way, but a few managed to slip past you when you couldn’t move fast enough. This team was good, but your team was better. 

The score during the final round was tied and the clock was on it’s last ten seconds as the ball soared your way. You dove to hit it, landing on your shoulder on the hard floor and hitting it up high enough for Haley to spike the ball down. The crowd went wild as the ball bounced off from the opposite end of the court almost simultaneously with the screeching of the referee’s whistle, signifying the end of the game and your team’s victory.

You laid on the floor in pain, you thought you must’ve pulled your tender muscles in your back and shoulder. It hurt to move it. You felt one of your teammates grab your hand to yank you up into a giant full team group hug. You yelped slightly in pain as you felt arms press against your back and hands firmly patting your bruised shoulders. You were whisked away into the locker room to change into the pajamas you brought with you. 

“(Y/n), are you alright? That was a pretty hard fall.” Haley’s soft voice asked you. You felt your heart sing in your chest. 

“Yeah Hales, I’m fine. I just pulled a few muscles.”

Her perfectly shaped eyebrows furrowed together, “are you sure? As your team captain and your friend, I’m worried about you.”

You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face. You felt warm knowing that she cared about you. “I’m sure, worrywart.”

She rolled her eyes playfully and breathed out a soft laugh. “Sorry for asking, grump.” Her laugh sounded like music to your ears. 

Your phone vibrated in your pajama pocket, alerting you of your family waiting for you in the car and for you to hurry up. You sighed, “sorry Hales, I gotta go. Dad’s getting impatient.” 

She gave you a small smile. “Oh, well, tell your family I said hi! Good work on the court today, I wouldn’t ask for a different setter.”

You felt your cheeks warm up and you watched with wide eyes as she left the locker room. Your phone vibrated again, your dad was really starting to get impatient. 

You walked out of the school as fast as you could to find your dad’s car waiting for you up front. Jumping in and softly closing the passenger side door, you slumped against the window. “(Y/n),” Tommy’s tired voice slurred. “That. Was. Pog…”

You glanced back to see him and Tubbo snoring away in their seats. Your match was more exciting than usual, so that must’ve really tired them out. You chuckled, turning back around to lean against the window. You took care not to put any weight on your shoulder or back. 

“(Y/n), you were amazing out there, but why did you dive for that ball? That fall looked like it hurt.”

You hummed tiredly, “thanks Dad. I just did what I thought would win us the game. We’re going to finals!” You quietly sang. 

“Did you hurt your shoulder?”

“I actually don’t know, but I think I might’ve pulled a few muscles. Nothing too bad.”

“...I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for you tomorrow morning during your first and second blocks. I want you to get your back, shoulder, and head looked at. You looked miserable the entire match.”

You sighed, too tired to argue, “mmk.”

He chuckled before the car fell into a comfortable silence. The gentle bouncing of the car and the subtle hum of the engine was lulling you to sleep. Your eyelids were drooping by the time you pulled into your driveway. 

You drug yourself out of the car and into the house, leaving Philza with the sleeping boys. You walked straight to your room and plopped down on your bed, passing out instantly for the second time that day.

Series taglist (comment if you want to be added):

[the-scooby-gang]

Us... But not quite

Part 7

Summary: After falling thought a portal while they were being chased by their most horrifying monster yet, The Scooby Gang finds themselves in a place they have never been before. A place called Crystal Cove. 

“We are here!” Younger Fred said.

Here, is a large white Spanish style building with red roofs were the front wall read City Hall in big brass letters.

The trip over here was mundane. It was a nice town, composed of small buildings, built like a picturesque Spanish village. Most buildings were painted either a soft cream or vibrant welcoming colours. If it wasn’t for the “Most haunted place on earth” sigh at the beginning of the town they would have happily stayed there relaxing a little and taking their sweet time researching until they found a way to go home.  

“I will go inside. You guys wait for me here?” Young Fred was already outside the van. He had the coffee holder in one hand, one foot on the steps of the building.

“You got it, Little Me.” Older Fred gave him a thumbs up. The gang made their way outside moving towards the young man who by now had walked up the steps, looking at them expectantly.  

“Ok, be right back” he waved at them as he went inside.

“He’s such a cutie,” Daphne said when young Fred was no longer on hearing range. “Remember when we used to be his age?”

Fred and Velma sat down on the third step, leaning against each other. Scooby laid on the sidewalk by their feet while Daphne and Shaggy perched themselves on the stone bannister. They took a deep, long breath, taking in the sea air into their lungs.

It was indeed a beautiful town.

“Like, bold of you to assume I remember anything at any point in time” Shaggy turned his head lazily towards his girlfriend.

“What you had for breakfast yesterday?” Velma’s left eyebrow disappeared under her bangs.

“That’s, like, different and you know it” Shaggy pointed his finger at the sweater-clad woman.

“Rood is unforgettable,” Scooby added from the ground.

They chuckled, a soothing silence fell over them. Scooby made himself comfortable, his head on Velma’s lap with Fred scratching behind his ears. Daphne turned Shaggy’s back to her and resumed braiding his hair. It was past his shoulders again, she noticed. They would have to decide what style they were going to cut it this time.

“What are we going to tell his gang, man?” Shaggy asked, looking at the street while Daphne’s fingers carted through his scalp.

“What do you mean?” Daphne asked, halfway through a five-strand braid.

“Well, are we going to tell, like, everything to them? Everything? ”

“I don’t see why not, it’s not like we have been the face of secrecy with him, you know,” Fred said, gesturing with his one remaining hand as the other was occupied turning Scooby into goo.

“Dude, I ain't talking about the powers and college degrees, that is a different can of worms, I’m talking about us.” Shaggy also started gesturing with his hands, pointing them towards his chest at the end of that particular statement.

“Us?” Fred was confused until Shaggy took his hand, a meaningful look on his hazel eyes.

“Us.”

“But Shaggy, what would be so bad if they knew about our relationship? For all we know, they may be right in the path of starting their own version of it.” Daphne questioned, undoing the five strand braid and starting a french one.

“And that is the problem. We don’t know anything about them. They may be us, but, like, not really us. Maybe nothing goes as they did back home. Then we parade into their lives, like, without knock or warning…”

“And you are afraid that we may accidentally start influencing their decisions or something.” Fred completed, his eyes wild when the information dawned on him.

Velma sprung to her feet, pacing furiously in front of them, her serious face on. “Jinkies, Shaggy is right! At that age, the world was new to us. If an older version of me had appeared to my fifteen old self and told me about my future, I would use all of it as a guideline.”

“But we are not even their future selves, we are from a different dimension altogether. Our lives were shaped by entirely different circumstances.” Daphne contra argued, finishing the french braid carefully to not pull Shaggy’s hair too much.

“It won’t matter. They will see in us models to follow, versions of ‘what could’ or ‘should be’.” Velma sat down once again, both hands under her chin.

“But Shaggy, if you had all these concerns, why didn’t you stop us from talking about our cases? Why expose him to your magic?” Fred asked, looking at his boyfriend expectantly.

“Because these types of things are, like, manageable on the long run, man” Shaggy rubbed his face “Dude, there is a difference between ‘things that I may do when I’m older’ and ‘My future relationship status’. What if we tell them we are together and then they, like, I don’t know, try to force it to happen between them? We,” he pointed to all of them “Clicked together after years of knowing each other, and like, late-night star seeing, but for them? I don’t know where their destiny was going to send them, man. Maybe they end up together. Maybe they would pass the rest of their lives in a harmonious platonic relationship. Maybe they will find love outside of the gang, I don’t know. We could inadvertently cause a sea of heartache.”

Silence fell between them. Fred had to admit that he hadn’t thought about it like that. Daphne hugged Shaggy from behind, her chin on his shoulder, pushing the now made french braid over the other.

“So you think we may cause them harm just by being here?”

Shaggy shrugged “That’s the thing: I don’t know. Not for sure. That’s the problem with interdimensional magic, the rules aren’t as clear cut as, like, time travel ones.” he groaned, resting his head against Daphne’s  “Dude, I hate interdimensional magic. This shit is, like, way trickier than it has any right to be.”

Velma put her finger over her chin. After a minute of silence, she turned towards the gang “I think I get it. In time travel, everything you do affects you personally because you are meddling with your timeline. But once you start interacting with a different dimension you-“

“Your timeline is no longer in the equation.” Daphne completed.

“Exactly, but we are still present in a sense, so our actions will affect the world none less.”

“Just with zero consequences to us.” Fred laid lack on the steps of the city hall entrance, dissociating after such a bomb was thrown in his lap.

“So, we could tell this younger gang about our relationship and then go back to our dimension unaffected…” Daphne turned her body away from the bannister, no longer using it as a seat but as a support. Her arms crossed and her face contorted into a frown as she looked at Fred on the ground.

“But live behind a gang that may not be compatible romantically with each other trying to force themselves together and end up with a nice bucked off emotional issues” Shaggy also turned towards the gang, but remained seated on the bannister in a lotus position.

Daphne covered her face with both hands, her voice muffled “God, I hated having this kind of discussions in Philosophy class, applying them to real-life doesn’t make them better.”

“Well, we have left the room of hypotheses and entered headfirst in an actual ‘non-consequences free’ zone, so is bound to suck harder now. Be glad that you are not being graded by this particular dive into madness.” Velma smirked at the purple-clad girl who threw one of her patented glares.

“Thank you, Velma, for your kind words.”

“I’m here to serve” she mockingly bowed.

They laughed over the girls’ shenanigans. They were giggly since they arrived in this weird new world and they sure hoped it was no psychological effect of being so unceremoniously launched into the unknown. They, still laughing, set all in the steps of the city hall, side by side. Scooby was giving them worried looks. Not a good sight.

“So, what do you guys suggest we tell them?” Daphne was the first one to sober up from the laughing fit, cleaning the tears from the corners of her eyes.

“What they ask of us. Our best tactic now is to not lie. Lies have short legs and can easily trip” Fred said, rubbing his hands over his eyes.

“Especially when you are lying to a bunch of junior detectives.” Added Velma.

“Exactly, so if they ask about something that we deem reality shattering we tell half of the truth or we find a way to change the subject until we figure out if the information could or not have lasting effects. That way we would not be technically lying to them and at the same time we avert any emotional fallout.” Fred had a faraway look in his eyes, probably thinking about all the topics that he simply didn't want to touch again even with a ten feet long pole.

This dimension Jones Sr. better not be a masked villain too or he was going to deck him in the face.

“…When I had that one dream about becoming one of the faes, these were not the circumstances that I thought it would go down.” Daphne had a disbelieving look on her face, looking at her back as if she was expecting a pair of wings to sprout from there.

“I, like, will have to explain the magic, even if not all of it. Even if I erased his memory of the van merging -with by the way I will not do- magic always finds a way of being discovered. It’s, like, better we explain to them now instead of them finding out later by other means.” Shaggy said, remembering that one memorie in Salem where he and Daphne were accused of witchcraft. He was partially offended that the thing that put her in the stake by his side was not any magical prowess on her part and it was more in the line of “Adult Woman With Opinions Are The Devil”.

“Yeah, you said something about mind magic being volatile” Velma turned to him, always curious about magic and its applications and side effects. She was dead set in proving that magic was just another form of science, albeit more flashy. Shaggy thought that if anyone was going to prove that would be the small woman.

“It’s like magical brain surgery. Like, one wrong move and I give the boy an aneurysm. This kind of spell is for casters that have, like, one-third of my anxiety and nothing more.”

The day barely began in Crystal Cove and they had all these problems to think about. The exhaustion was slowly but surely creeping on them. Fred was feeling old. They were all feeling old. Everything was moving at a breakneck pace and seemed to never stop. A new world, new people, new gang, new problems. They prayed that nothing more was added to the list.

“I can wait for this all to settle down so I can find the closest bed and bloody shut down all my bodily functions.” Fred groaned, covering his face with his hands.

“Same.” Was the unison response.

Silence.

Is either silence or laughter. That could not be healthy.

“Wait, does this mean no kissing???” Shaggy exclaimed which earned three hands flying over his mouth.

“Not in public, at least. It's a small town on the coast, isolated from major cities by some good miles, most people know each other one way or another” Fred said, removing his hand slowly.

“Yeah, and they would especially notice if the mayor's son was caught kissing all four of his friends” Added Velma, her hand leaving his mouth to find a place on his shoulder.

“Or, like, kissing said friend’s necks and behind their ears” Shaggy sighed, resigned to the ‘non-affection beyond normal friendly’ future.

“Nice just what we- Wait a second, ‘behind their ear’? Since when does Fred kiss behind ears??” Daphne turned her head so fast that Shaggy was afraid she may break her neck with the speed. When her head didn’t fall off her shoulders, Shaggy finally registered what she said.

“Like, since that one afternoon in grad year, on the roof of the culinary building. I thought he did it to all of us ” Brown eyes looked confused between blue and purple eyes, while said purple eyes were now glaring a hole thru the blue eyes owner's skull.

“Fredrick Jones, what affection partiality bullshit is this?”

“Yeah, Fred what gives?” Now pair of brown eyes was glaring at him, the glare somehow amplified by a pair of glasses, and Fred wanted nothing more than to flee towards the nearest desert to avoid vaporization.

“Ok, in my defence, none of you girls does the little shiver that he does when I kiss you guys there and believe me, I checked” He could feel the intense blush in his face and he just knew that he looked like a blond tomato right now.

“Shivers?” Daphne’s glare lost some of its intensity, her curiosity about new information about one of her lovers superseding her perceived slight.  

Velma’s glare also mellowed down, her eyes now zeroed on Shaggy, who was doing his best to turn into a strawberry from how red he had suddenly turned.

“Yup. They run up and down his spine like a bolt of electricity. He gets all flustered, the most beautiful shade of carmine I have ever seen.” No longer under fear of vaporization via death glare, Fred perked up, a smile of one thousand volts on his face. He loved talking about his loved ones.

“Like, Freddie, man, come on” Redder by the second, Shaggy’s shoulders were perked, covering his ears. God, why didn’t he study those morphing spells more? He would give anything to be a rock right about now.

“Oooooh, so our Norvy darling is a shivery shiver boy, huh?” Daphne smirked, leaning against Shaggy, one arm going around his shoulder, essentially caging him from any last-minute spring to the mountains.

“I will pay you actual money to never say that again” He turned his head in the redhead direction, officially reaching ‘completely red’ status.

“Oh? But is the truth, isn’t it? Freddie is not one for lies.” Velma piped in, a mischievous look on her face.  

“Are you lying, Freddie?” Daphne turned towards him, her own mischievous look making her purple eyes shine.

“I would never. Scots honour” Fred, the traitor, put a hand over his heart, the picture of sincerity. On second thought, maybe instead of turning into a rock, he could turn Fred into a rock.

“What do you say to me and Daph test it out? Just to see it for ourselves…” Velma gravitated to his other side. With Fred right in front of him, he was completely trapped.

Note to self: LEARN THE GODDAMN ROCK MORPHING SPELL!!!

Giggling like the villains they are, his lovers got closer and closer, their minds probably a mile a minute in all the ways they are going to make him have a cardiac arrest from the blushing alone when...

“Ah, ruys? Rhat rabout that rhing rabout rublic?” Scooby, the one that was the current owner of the brain cell of the gang apparently, commented from the ground. Those kids took too much influence from that Addams couple they met all those years ago. It had to be, because Scooby could NOT, for the life of him, remember them being THIS horny.  One of these days he was going to get a cardboard box and write ‘HORNY JAIL’ in it to live them in time out.

The trio deflated, the wind completely blew out of their sails while Shaggy signed in relief, no longer trapped in the soon to be kiss cocoon…

And he was disappointed for some ungodly reason!

Lined side by side on the stone bannister, the gang groaned in frustration.

“I hate this already,” Shaggy grumbled, his red cheeks puffed.

“Yeah.” The other three agreed.

Scooby muffled a laugh. God, these next days are going to be an amazing shitshow to watch unfold. He gave them one week before they broke down.

Another groan came from the young adults, shoulder to shoulder, their heads touching, soaking in the small scrap of contact that they could have.

On second thought, a week may be too generous.

All of sudden, they could hear footsteps approaching from inside the building. Young Fred had a smile on his handsome face, putting his phone away as he walked.  

“Hey, guys. Hope I didn’t make you wait too long” He was waving at them, smiling.

Young Fred was really happy with the presence of this new gang. They seemed so comfortable together, he hoped that they could all hang out. They could go to the beach, eat some Fruitmeir’s. They could even build traps together! He should ask them later.

“Nah, we barely noticed.” Daphne waved back “We were just chatting a little bit, nothing big.”

They had become really good liars along the years, huh.

“So, where now? Did you talk with your gang?” Fred, the older, asked his younger counterpart, making his way towards the van, Scooby softly head butting his left hand earning him a nice pat.

“I called them and told them to meet me at the radio station. It’s owned by a friend of ours that helps us from time to time”

“Groovy! Lead the way” Shaggy smiled, snapping his fingers in rapid succession, making Young Fred laugh. 

We talk about this more later after we meet their gang and take a good long nap.

Three different winks of affirmation. Morse code is coming in handy in these weird times.

“Hey, does that radio station have any maps of the town? Not that I don’t enjoy you helping with directions, but I was hoping to familiarize myself better with the place” Daphne casually hopped to young Fred’s side, looping her arm over his shoulders, a sweet smile on her purple lipstick.  

“Sure thing, Angel must have some lying around. I could show you the library too so you could look for them yourself” Young Fred suggested, lining on the embrace. He and his Daphne should do this more, it was nice.

“Really???” Her smile got impossibly brighter, bouncing in place like a child at a candy store. Young Fred soon found himself locked in a bear crushing hug, the older woman long red hair tickling his nose. “Thanks, Little Freddie, you’re the best”

He hugged her back, a soft look on his face. He had hugged his Daphne before, but this hug felt fundamentally different. Maybe it was her age difference with his best friend or the way she looked at him like he was the most precious thing she had ever seen. Maybe it was the effect of having talked with her about all his trap ideas during the journey here, her attention never wavering.

Maybe it was a combination of all of them. He didn’t know.

That didn’t stop, however, the small part in the back of his mind telling him that this is what a mother embrace felt like.

“Ah chucks, it’s nothing really. What are friends for?”

[elliepassmore]

Children of Blood and Bone review

4.5/5 stars Recommended for people who like: magic, fantasy, non-Western fantasy, multiple POVs, A Song of Wraiths and Ruins I really liked the worldbuilding and thought the world was very vibrant. I liked that the story took us to multiple different places so we got to see a wide range of Orïsha's environments and people. Adeyemi did a good job of incorporating maji/diviners-kosidan relationships into each location so that they felt realistic. One town might have a mix of both where the maji/diviners get shaken down by the guards in a 'normal' way while the next might be brutal for the maji/diviners, and yet another might treat them as relative equals. The way the guards treated the maji/diviners was also realistic, unfortunately, and you can definitely see the influences of real-world laws and actions in the ones present in Orïsha. The magic system overall makes sense and I don't think it needs a ton of explaining: diviners as baby!maji who will get their powers from one of the gods/esses at age 13, the magic is usually passed through the maternal line so kids tend to have the same kind of magic as the mom's, and there are chants/prayers/incantations to the gods that allow the magic to flow. Simple enough. However, the incantations end up getting a bit tricky later on in the book. For one, we pretty much always see Zelie using incantations when she calls her magic, but some of the other magic-using characters are never mentioned as using incantations. While some of them, like Zélie, probably remember a few from before the Raid, that can't be true for all of them, especially ones who are too young or who get a power that doesn't correspond with one their parent had. So that bit felt a little rushed, but overall I liked the magic system in the book and Zélie's way of describing magic was interesting. As for Zélie herself: she's got a fire in her and she's determined to get things done, even if she sometimes doubts her abilities to lead. She balances herself quite well between being afraid of the guards and retaliation and rebellion, and generally seems to keep a good balance, though I do have to agree with Tzain that sometimes she does stuff without thinking. I particularly liked how much joy she took from her diviner/maji heritage and her awareness that simply living her heritage was rebellion within itself. There was a bit toward the end where she was getting doubtful about magic which was kind of confusing since she'd also used magic to fight and for more debatable reasons, but whatever. Overall I liked her character. With Amari I was kind of lost at first as to how people could call her a badass, but I definitely get it now. I'll will admit that I didn't and still don't see how she and Zelie are such great friends. Friends, definitely. But best friends? I don't think they're there yet. Something I definitely appreciate about Amari was how willing she was to learn. Some of the things she came into contact with once outside the palace scared her, but she was open to explanations and other perspectives, which was great considering her upbringing (and considering Inan's chapters). I feel like Amari really came into herself in the second half of the book. She finally gets a chance to fight for something she believes in and I think it helped transform her character from someone who shied away from the blade she knew how to use to someone who would wield a sword to defend herself and others. I could definitely see her becoming a commander of some kind in the future, though I'm not entirely sure if 'queen' suits her (I am not entirely certain the title 'ruler' suits anyone in this book). Inan is the last POV character and he was...he was a lot. Amari and Zelie are definitely my favorites, but Inan is someone I could probably do with having less page time. This boy has zero convictions of his own and is completely unable to look past his nose. Unlike Amari, he continues to believe his father's words even traveling around and doesn't really spare a second thought to how reality might actually be. The one thing I'll say in his defense is that Amari did have Binta growing up and was able to see that at least one diviner wasn't bad, which I do think helped for her to generalize this idea to other diviners/maji, whereas Inan didn't have a figure like that in his life. But enough of that. Inan is wishy-washy and swings one way then the other (though never completely all the way), and he is far too willing to return to his old ideals when things get challenging or scary. I mean, for fuck's sake he isn't even really the one suffering most of these times and is still all too ready to give up. Like, please grow a spine, buddy. I do think Adeyemi actually did a really good job of writing Inan in the sense that she manages to capture the effects abuse and gaslighting and show just how much of an effect those things can have on your psyche. So in that sense Inan was a 'good' character, but I don't think he's a good person nor do I like him. Tzain was someone whom I felt was in the background for a lot of the book. He supports Zelie and is willing to go off with her to do all these things and protects her and stands by her even when she fucks up. He is also able to be nice to Amari despite her being the princess and the daughter of the man who caused a lot of his problems. From what we do see of him Tzain seems to have a good sense of humor and is funny at times. He's also clearly holding in a lot of pain, trauma, and responsibility, though he rarely shows it. I definitely think he feels responsible for his father and Zelie and that whenever something bad happens to either of them he feels guilty, even if there was nothing he could've done. While he blames Zélie for a lot of things, which I don't like AT ALL but at the same time understand needing to direct your anger somewhere, I get the feeling he's mostly blaming himself. In terms of relationships. Someone please explain to me why there needed to be any in this book in the first place? Inan and Zélie are the main pairing, which is just dumb af since he wants to kill her for almost the entirety of the book then, after like two whole days of being together, they decide everything's fine and dandy and start kissing. I side with Tzain on this one, even if his phrasing wasn't great. I'll be honest, the Zélie and Inan's whole relationship just confuses me. I don't understand why they like each other other than 'insta-love' and I don't understand 1) why Zélie's willing to Risk It All after Inan being nice for two days, and 2) why she's willing to continue the relationship after what happens with Saran. Perhaps my biggest issue with them is Inan's so-called love wherein he thinks taking away magic will protect Zélie...completely ignoring the fact that part of Zélie is magic. *SPOILER, SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH TO AVOID* That complete and utter dumbass doesn't seem to connect the fact that he stopped feeling Zélie's soul when Zélie stopped feeling magic. Like? Brains? No brains here. *SPOILER END* Okay, moving on. Tzain and Amari have better prospects for romance. Adeyemi set them up from the very beginning, even if Tzain might've initially seen her as a pretty face. They grow to like and respect for one another and I feel like their relationship could actually go somewhere. But why, why oh why does Adeyemi make Amari mention the L-word? Like, honey, you are not in love with this boy after only knowing him a week. Crush, sure. Love, no. But that matters not, since there is at least the potential. Actually, something re: relationships that I felt Adeyemi kind of brushed over (and it seems like other reviews also had this same thought) has to do with Amari. She is very much coded to be bi and it's written as if she and Binta had a romantic relationship, but Adeyemi never follows through with this. I honestly thought that Amari and Zelie were going to be the main pairing of the book at first, or failing that that Amari would have feelings for Zélie, Zélie wouldn't reciprocate, then Amari would move on to another female character. But nope. Nada. I mean, Tzain's good too, but it's just weird the way the whole thing with Amari's romantic interest(s) was/were written. Now onto something else: the throne. While becoming the next ruler isn't an outright object for either Inan or Amari (or anyone else), being heir definitely sits on Inan's shoulders and drives a lot of what he does. Likewise, Amari comes to the realization that if she were the next on the throne she could help the diviners/maji and overturn the laws and the system that her father created. The current king, Saran, sucks all around and definitely doesn't deserve his head being attached to his body. But we already knew that. The point is, Inan is clearly not good for Orïsha because he can't form his own convictions and leans solely on what he's been taught to think is right. He does, however, think he is the only person who can keep Orïsha safe and protected. Amari, on the other hand, knows she won't be queen and doesn't seem to really want to be queen until she realized what that could mean for what she believes in. However, and there's always a 'however,' she also kind of has Mad Queen Energy about her at times after she makes this decision. She is, in my opinion, also not a great contender for the throne. As mentioned, I think she'd make a great general, but there's something about her that makes me hesitate before supporting her bid for the throne. Do I think she'd be better than Saran or Inan? Absolutely. But probably so would Yemi, that doesn't mean she should get the throne. Perhaps I am merely feeling particularly democratic today, but I don't believe an absolute monarch will help Orïsha. If we are being realistic, I don't even know if a democratic one would either, but power in the hands of a diverse many would probably be better than power in the hands of one. Overall I enjoyed the story. I thought the plot was good and I enjoyed going with the characters as they (mostly) struggled to get magic back. Inan served to be a good character for demonstrating how our childhood can influence the kind of people we become and also serves as a nice foil to Amari, who has decided to be the opposite of her brother. Zélie is a good character to follow since she's so alive. She's got so much rage and love and fear and fire that pushes her every step of the way and helps her overcome so many things. I knocked off half a star for the frivolous reason that I don't like Inan and Zélie's romance and don't think it was necessary for the book. I'll be honest, the book was great, it was tough for me to put down even when I needed to, but for some reason I just don't have any desire to find out what happens in the next one. It's a bit like A Song of Wraiths and Ruin like that for me. I just...don't feel it. I don't think it has anything to do with either book since I couldn't make myself finish reading a new book by one of my favorite authors even though I was enjoying it so...just that kind of year, I suppose.

[chemicalmagecraft]

Taiyuu OCT Bonus Round 2

@taiyuu-oct

Yukino didn't know much about Zuruko, other than the fact that she hated that girl. How could she, when she couldn't even remember talking to her? All she had was one memory of her, the pink-haired sheep girl telling her to go away. The rest of the information she had on her was from reminders made from cold letters appearing on her clothes seemingly at random. Yukino didn't know exactly how the girl's Quirk worked, aside from the fact that it erased memories and she apparently made no effort to control it or even turn it off, but to be honest that was all Yukino really needed to know.

Zuruko was dangerous, in Yukino's opinion. Her Quirk wasn't the most obviously dangerous, not next to things like 'generating vast amounts of fire,' 'creating turpentine,' or 'the ability to freeze anything, including the human body, in a matter of seconds,' but her attitude? From what Yukino could gather, Zuruko just didn't care at all what happened to other people from her not controlling her Quirk. Which, when that's something like memory erasure? Even if people haven't been hurt from it (that Yukino knew of; she highly doubted Zuruko had no blood on her hands at all keeping her Quirk on all the time like that), it still made Yukino's blood boil that she just didn't seem to care how potentially disturbing having large chunks of your memory just not present could be. As a fellow Emitter? Zuruko disgusted Yukino.

The last straw was when Yukino found herself roaring, covered in frost, in the middle of the dorm common rooms with no memory of how she got in that state. She could guess, of course, but having to make an educated guess about something like her own Dragon Rage made Yukino feel... sick. Violated, honestly. So she was a little relieved when, a few days later, Buck-sensei announced mandatory student-teacher conferences. She was already thinking about talking to Wolfie-sensei about Zuruko, of course, but that was the push she needed. As soon as Buck-sensei was done with his announcement, she hurried back to her room and picked up the notebook she'd prepared with all her complaints (and maybe some dirt) on Zuruko. She also picked up her scratching block while she was at it. She sighed at how worn it was. She'd need to get a new one soon, she really did a number on it. Especially over the past few days...

x x x

Yukino leaned back casually in her chair, scratching at her scratching block a little. "So, did you wanna talk about anything in particular or do I start?"

Wolfie-sensei stared at her scratching block. "What's with the block?"

Yukino shrugged. "Scratching block. Made for people with claw mutations and stuff like that. It's kinda like a scratching post, except portable and a little more dignified. It keeps claws healthy, too. It cool if I keep it out?"

He nodded, writing something down on a notepad. "Looks a little worn, though."

She sighed. "Yeah, I'm gonna have to get a new one soon. It's also a little... cathartic, I guess, when I'm stressed. Probably some dragon instinct or something. Ssso I kinda tend to scratch at it a lot when something bad is going on. Still, better a block that's made to be scratched up than someone's face or a couch, right?"

"That makes sense. Please talk to me or another teacher about getting a new one later." He wrote on his notepad again.

Yukino nodded. "'Course." She held up the block, studying its surface. "And as for why it looks so scratched up, I've been kinda upset the past few days. Been wanting to bring it up with you, actually, so this was pretty convenient. Did you know that sometimes residual mutations from a parent or grandparent's Quirk can include some form of their Quirk's drawback? Usually it's weakened, but it can still cause some annoyance..."

"What are you getting at?" her teacher asked.

Yukino remembered the first time it happened. It was so long ago, only a year after she got her Quirk. One moment one of her classmates was telling her how weird her mom looked despite her protests, the next she was being restrained by her teacher, her throat hoarse from screaming and her hands cold and sore from the frost-covered claw marks on the ground. Her mother explained to her later, how her emotions could rage out of control if she was scared, angry, or hurt enough. And unfortunately Yukino ended up having to change schools after that, even though she hadn't hurt anyone...

"We call it Dragon Rage," Yukino said. "Think of it like... whenever my flight or fight response hits, it tends to hit hard. Typically 'fight,' too."

He wrote that down, brow furrowed. "Should I be concerned?"

Yukino shook her head. "I've been dealing with it almost as long as my actual Quirk, and believe it or not I'm normally pretty responsible with stuff like that. As far as I know I've only had a Dragon Rage attack twice in the past year, and only one of those was really bad. I'm kinda proud of how well I'm doing with it." Yukino smiled at Wolfie-sensei, but then put her block on the table and steepled her fingers together, letting a colder expression take over her face. "So you can imagine how uncomfortable I might have felt suddenly waking up from a particularly bad Dragon Rage with no memory of how I even got to that point, right?"

Wolfie-sensei raised an eyebrow. "Is that normal?"

She shrugged. "If it's bad enough it's possible that I could have a few holes in my memory, but I will always remember what got me riled up in the first place. Sometimes even more vividly than normal, if it's particularly bad. So how, then, do you think that I lost those memories?"

"That's rhetorical, isn't it?"

"Zuruko Kayaki." Yukino pulled out her notebook, throwing it on the table. "Supposedly she has zero control over her Quirk, which in my opinion is a really bad thing even if it's not some form of memory erasure. I've managed to document a few bits of evidence that make me... doubtful of that fact, though. Or at least, doubtful that her Quirk can't be controlled, even if she really can't control it. She could just not be putting the right effort in or has some sort of mental block she has to work through, which is still on her by the way. Probably part of why I got so angry in the first place. To be honest it's starting to get really disturbing having my memories just have random holes like that, so even if I'm wrong I'd like you to do something about her."

Wolfie-sensei picked up the notebook, flipping through a few pages. His brow furrowed. "We've been dealing with Zuruko-chan already, but this is a serious accusation. Do you mind if I take this?"

She gave him a thumbs-up. "Go ahead, I figured you might."

"If you don't mind me asking, though, why are you so annoyed at Zuruko-chan?" he asked.

Yukino rested her head on her hands. "I mean, probably the most obvious bit? I reserve the right to be very annoyed with anyone who does anything to my mind without my explicit, informed consent. Don't get me wrong, I don't categorically hate people with mind-affecting Quirks or anything, but you can get why I wouldn't be too appreciative of stuff like that happening to me without my permission, right?"

Wolfie-sensei sighed and nodded. "That's fair."

"Good, good," Yukino smiled at him. Or perhaps it might have been a little more accurate to say she bared her teeth at him. "Now I get that she says she can't control it or anything, but that doesn't mean she can't take responsibility for it either, which from what I've been able to see she hasn't done either. And that one's totally on her by this point, in my opinion."

"What's the difference?"

"They make three-fingered gloves for people whose Quirks activate automatically when they put all five fingers on an object. People whose Quirks activate automatically through any skin contact usually wear gloves and long sleeves. Neki-chan has that one Quirk-nullifying thing. Worst comes to worst, I've heard of support companies who make what are basically inverted hazmat suits for people with severely biohazardous, radioactive, or whatever Quirks," Yukino listed.

She picked up her block and started fidgeting with it. "Not that Zuruko would need something as heavy-duty as that, probably. There's gotta be a way easier way to stop her Quirk's effects. I know, for one, that my grandfather's mind control can be stopped by something as simple as a thin sheet of tin foil on his horns. No Quirk is invincible, after all. Mine has limitations, yours does, and there is no way in hell Zuruko's Quirk or its effects can't be stopped in any way. Even still, the only gaps in my memory are in common areas." Yukino scratched at her block a little too forcefully, then shook out her hand because the motion hurt her fingertips a little. Her claws weren't Quirk-reinforced, so scratching something too hard really hurt. "If it was only if I tried to go in Zuruko's room that my memories were erased I maybe wouldn't have quite as much of a leg to stand on, but why should I have to avoid common areas if I don't want to randomly be affected by someone else's Quirk?"

"I'll look into that, but for now let's move on."

Yukino nodded, her posture relaxing again. "Long as you understand where I'm coming from. What next?"

"Why are you here at Taiyuu?" he asked.

Yukino chuckled. "If that isn't a question I've been asking myself for the past few days... Do you want Taiyuu specifically or why I wanna be a hero in general? Because the answer's different depending on which one you want."

"Let's hear both, if you don't mind."

"First, hero in general. It was... a combination of factors. For one, I have two heroes in my family already. I mean, Ryuji only recently graduated from UA, but Gong'gong-my grandfather-has been one for over half a century. But that was just some of the inspiration. I think... a couple weeks after I got my Quirk, I happened to see a pro with an ice Quirk fighting a villain, which I thought was super cool." Yukino raised a hand, cutting Wolfie-sensei off as he opened his mouth to say something. "Buuut those are just petty reasons that I'll admit probably shouldn't be my entire reason. To be honest if those were my only reason, it's possible I could've ended up training to take over the family restaurant instead." Yukino took a deep breath. "I think... my reasons for being a hero shifted after my... g-grandmother died." Yukino bit her lip and rubbed her eyes. This wasn't going to be easy to talk about, but she probably should.

"You don't have to tell me what happened, if you don't want to," Wolfie-sensei assured her. "I think I can get the picture."

She took another deep breath, nodding. "Th-thanks. I think... if a little girl walked up to me and thanked me for saving her grandmother, that'd be just as much of a victory to me as getting in the top ten."

Wolfie-sensei nodded. "Thank you for telling me that."

Yukino nodded. "You're welcome, I guess. As for why I went to Taiyuu... To be honest I just didn't feel like going to UA. I mean, this did seem pretty nice... from the entrance exam, anyway... but..." Yukino sighed, scratching lightly at her block. "I probably could've gotten into UA if I applied myself, but I just didn't feel like going to my brother's school, even though it's supposed to be super good." She gave Wolfie-sensei a wry smile. "How dumb is that?"

"You should never regret going to a school."

Yukino snorted. "You're right, I shouldn't."

"But you are. Why is that?"

Yukino rolled her eyes. "I haven't learned a thing here that I couldn't have just asked my brother about, everything not made of dirt looks like a rush job, oh, and how could I forget how much you've done about the girl with the supposedly uncontrollable mind-erasing Quirk?" she listed.

"We are actually working on Zuruko-chan's issues. We haven't just ignored the problem and hoped it'd go away."

Yukino's expression turned cold, and even though she hadn't used her Quirk the temperature in the room seemed to drop by a degree or two. She crossed her arms. "Oh? So those holes in my memory that only pop up when I see Zuruko are not, in fact, caused by Zuruko's Quirk?" Yukino slammed a hand on the table, using it to push herself up. Her claws left small scratches in the cheap wood. "Thank you for your time, but I should probably go see a doctor about that, then."

Wolfsboon sighed. "Okay, I get it. We'll do something about her, just sit down so we can finish."

Yukino sat. She did her best to make it obvious, though, that she still wasn't happy with Wolfsboon. "Fine. But I'm holding you to that."

"Okay, next question." Wolfsboon looked at his notes, then sighed audibly. "Okay. How, aside from dealing with Zuruko-chan, can we make your experience here better?"

"Do something about the hot water. The heating isn't the best, but I brought a space heater for that just in case. The water, though... I have to wake up fully before leaving my room or I could end up falling back asleep with how the heating is at the moment, that's more or less a drawback of my Quirk, so by the time I get to take a shower there usually isn't much water left, if at all. Cold water is really bad for me, Quirk drawback again. I don't sweat, so I can go longer without taking a shower before I feel gross, but I'd still like to be able to go from bedroom to shower every morning without Quirk drawbacks popping up at some point, y'know? Morning routines are good to keep up."

"I'll see about it, but there's only so much we can do. Next, what plans do you have for the future? Not just hero work, but do you have any backup plans?"

"Ehh, let me think..." Yukino narrowed her eyes and stroked her chin, thinking. "Okay, I should probably put a little more thought into that, but my dad's restaurant isn't going anywhere, so that's something. As for hero work... I will be villain fighting, but I feel like I could probably do well with search and rescue, too. I mean, I'm pretty sure that I'd at least do pretty well with fires." She shrugged. "Still, probably should put a little more thought into it. Anything else?"

He shook his head. "Unless you have something else you want to bring up, you're done here. Thank you for your time."

Yukino got up. "Cool, I'm gonna go now. Bye." Yukino lazily waved at him as she walked out the door. "Thanks for taking my concerns seriously," she added half-heartedly.

x x x

Yukino sighed and sat down on her bed. She opened up the contact list on her phone, pressing the call button on one of the first names on the list. She put her phone up to her ear, hearing it ring. "C'mon, pick up you jerk," she muttered.

Click. "Yuki-chan? What's up?"

"Hey, Niichan." Yukino sighed and rubbed her face. "Do you know if it's possible to transfer into UA?"

"I'll... have to look into what you’d need to do for it, but I doubt you can’t." There was silence on the other end, then he spoke again. "Do... do you want to talk about it?"

Yukino bit her lip, trying not to cry. "I... don't know. Maybe later."

"Well, if you change your mind just give me a call. Love you." He ended the call.

Yukino curled up into a ball. "Love you, too..." she sighed.

[thegeekyzoologist]

My relation with the film Jurassic World and how I came to write a reimagining of it.

As long as I can remember, dinosaurs have always fascinated me.

Of course, when one say dinosaurs, many think of Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park since as a major cinematographic work in the history of cinema given the revolution it was in the world of special effects, it contributed to popularise them even more than they already were and influenced the way they were going to be depicted in popular culture in the two decades that followed the release of the film.

My relation with the franchise goes back so far in my early childhood that I do not even remember the first time I saw Jurassic Park and The Lost World: Jurassic Park. But even at this time, I had a huge interest in the franchise and along with Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, they were already my favourite films. Since the day I went to see Jurassic Park 3, I waited fourteen long years for a fourth film. In the meantime, I discovered Michael Crichton's original novels for the first time when I was in the sixth grade, and right away, I was captivated by their realistic, ruthless and dark aspects, very different in terms of tone compared to the films that, despite being sometimes quite dark, are still relatively suitable for all audiences.

Let's discuss now about the fourth film in the franchise, Jurassic World, which is the inspiration behind the story told in this fan novel. I remember having defending this film during the few months that followed its release but after some more viewings and over time, I experiences what can be compared to a post-honeymoon effect and now, I consider the film as okay or sympathetic at best since the nostalgia induced by returning in the world of the Jurassic Park saga has faded and I think today that Jurassic World could have been so much more and that the potential its basic postulate had was not used in the best way from my point of view. Then, I told myself that instead of criticizing in my corner and doing nothing: And what if I wrote my own version?

Of course, as a novice writer living deep in the French countryside and who put the result of his work online for free, I wasn’t under the same constraints as directors and writers working on Hollywood blockbusters are, since in my case, I was alone in this project and there was zero financial stake, with the only limits being my imagination.

Originally, this work should have been a simple post on a board but it became quickly a fan-novel project. As I advanced in the writing of the story, I realised that the vision of how my story should play out clarified better and better while I gained confidence and audacity in my writing, offering scenes or lines that few people would expect to see in a story set in the Jurassic Park universe. Like you will notice soon enough when I will share the links to my story on this blog, this version of Jurassic World differs a lot from Colin Trevorrow’s film.

Although you have to see my story as a novel-form remake of the latter, I must precise that the first three films of the saga, i.e. Jurassic Park, The Lost World: Jurassic Park, and Jurassic Park 3 are canon to my story. Some elements are taken from or inspired by the content of the promotional website MasraniGlobal.com, created and managed by fans Jack Anthony Ewins and Timothy Glover with the approval of Universal; from the sequel of Jurassic World, Juan Antonio Bayona's Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom; some video games of the franchise; while others are from the original novels by Michael Crichton. However, since I started writing this story back in 2016, the content of the Dinosaur Protection Group website and Tess Sharpe’s novel The Evolution of Claire weren’t taken into consideration.

The characters and key elements of the plot are preserved but to them, are added an entire panoply of new characters and elements that enrich the saga’s mythology and a whole array of never-seen before dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals, generally depicted according to the latest scientific discoveries even if some of the described behaviours or physical features are for the most part pure speculation and artistic licence, allowed in an adventure and sci-fi story. Before reading this fan-novel, it’s not necessary to have seen Colin Trevorrow’s Jurassic World or even the other films of the saga since the information necessary to the comprehension of the universe, the plot and the characters are disseminated in the narrative wherever they are necessary. The story is also longer, much longer, and even if you know by heart the film from which it is inspired, you will be far from being without surprises since by trying to make my story more credible, more emotional, but also darker and cruder, I put you in front of a whole new work that I hope will not leave you indifferent. It’s more of an R-rated Epic drama than PG-13 action-adventure and isn’t suited for younger readers.

The main purpose of this fan-novel is not to please the greatest number by proposing a consensual work suitable for all audiences. It is more experimental since it allows me to observe if readers are positively receptive to the type of story I propose. I warn you in advance that some scenes and a major revelation in the second book are likely to be controversial.           I ask you however, dear readers, to be frank and please let me know of all your criticisms, whether they are positive or negative as long they are respectful. Maybe some of you will prefer Colin Trevorrow's film to my story and I will not judge them for that. I can’t and I shouldn’t control your opinions after all and be assured, I will not appear under you bed in the middle of a stormy night like a bogeyman to make you change your mind.     And as the moral given by the fable The miller, his son and the donkey says:

In thy chosen life’s adventures, stedfastly pursue the cause,           Neither moved by critic’s censure, nor the multitude’s applause.

The characters and situations of this story being purely fictitious, any resemblance to persons or situations that exists or had existed could only be fortuitous.

Without further delay, I give you the links:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gMe0dA ... sp=sharing (PDF version; contains both novels) https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12945239/1/Jurassic-World (fanfiction.net version) https://archiveofourown.org/works/20436878 (Ao3 version;)

For a more comfortable reading experience, I advise you to read the PDF version of the story, especially since it contains the corrected version of the text (the Ao3 and ff.net version will be also corrected in good time). 

Now, I let you sail beyond the seas and oceans to the misty basalt walls of Isla Nublar, one hundred and ninety-three kilometres off the coasts of Costa Rica...

Wishing you a good and enjoyable reading.

[natrogersfics]

PREVIEW - Never Be the Same (new fic alert!)

AN: Could I BE more excited for this upcoming fic? Nope, I really couldn’t. Sooo... here’s the ENTIRE opening scene. Happy reading! :-)

Steve’s eyes scan the expanse of the room as he stands behind the bar, working a dish towel over the freshly washed martini glass. At nearly midnight on a Monday, Shield is empty save for a few patrons finishing the last of their libations. It’s the eclectic mix of people you’d expect to find in the West Village, ranging from professionals nursing glasses of Merlot to a pair of buddies indulging in a few house brews. And yet, as different as all these people are, between these four walls, they’re all committed to the same cause of unwinding from their day.

On the list of things bars are good for, being a prime space to observe human behavior ranks high. That’s not an opinion, but a fact he’s deduced in his years of owning one. And based on the number of breakthroughs in friendships and relationships he’s witnessed in this bar alone – likely a product of an honest conversation taking place under the warm lights – it’s safe to say that alcohol is a pretty potent social lubricant, ridding people of their inhibitions and revealing them at their rawest.  

That’s not to say that people and alcohol are an exact science, though. Maybe tequila is straight up courage in a glass, granting someone confidence they may not normally have, but it is also a champion at nullifying discretion and making bad ideas seem like really, really good ones.

Just as it’s doing to the guy by the far wall right now.

From his vantage point, Steve has to resist the urge to roll his eyes as he watches the guy down the last of his gin and tonic before hopping off the stool. The man stalks towards the window, where a young woman with chestnut hair is quietly enjoying her watermelon margarita, before plopping down on the opposite side of the booth unprompted. The woman looks up at the intrusion, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion as the man puts his hand out to shake.

“Dead in the water, bud,” he mutters to himself, shaking his head as the guy serves up what he can only assume is a cheesy pickup line based on the scowl that forms on the woman’s face.

“The man hasn’t a clue, huh?”

The comment causes him to turn, and he smiles when sees one of their regulars, Sam, seated before him with his tie already loosened and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. “Not a single one,” he says, walking over. “The usual?”  

“Oh, no,” Sam says, emphasizing the last word. “Whiskey, neat. Make it a double.”

“That bad, huh?” he says, turning to grab the bottle of Macallan off the top shelf.  

“You have no idea,” Sam says exasperatedly. “Just got told I have to be in the West Coast tomorrow morning and I’m pretty sure the only seat available on my flight is right smack next to the lavatory.”

He cringes as he places a crystal tumbler down on the counter. “That’s how it is, huh?”

“That’s how it is,” Sam confirms.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” he says. “I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t absolutely suck. But hopefully this makes it slightly better.” He sets the drink down in front of Sam. “On the house.”

“I knew I liked you, man,” Sam says, pointing at him as the corners of his mouth quirk up. He reaches into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet before sliding a crisp five down the counter. “I just knew it.”

“Safe flight tomorrow, all right?” he says, putting a fist out for Sam to bump. He takes the bill, placing it in the tip jar before he returns to the sink to finish drying the rest of the glasses. As far as tips for a single drink go, a five is generous, and he’s certain Wanda, the regular bartender he’s covering for, will appreciate it come tomorrow. Wanda is a Senior down at NYU, and with the end of the semester coming up, he and his business partner, Natasha, had told her to take the night off to study.

As he picks up another glass, he turns his attention back across the room where the woman is looking less than impressed with her intruder. He’s never been one to look the other way when he senses another person is uncomfortable with someone else’s advances, especially in the confines of his own bar. But the woman looks like she can hold her own, so he keeps his distance and finds himself infinitely glad when she picks up her tablet and bids the guy a sharp goodnight, leaving the man to ponder where he had gone wrong.

He shakes his head, because that’s another thing about him – he’s incredibly adept at reading other people. Sure, Psychology was one of his majors, but it truly should not take a genius to notice that the woman has been tense the second you took a seat and is painfully aware that your eyes are about a foot South of where her eyes are as you talk to her. It’s all in the body language and facial expressions, visual cues and hints that are supposed to be impossible to miss.

Or, so one would think.

The guy at the booth turns his head towards the other side of the room, his eyes lighting up like Christmas morning, and Steve doesn’t even have to follow the man’s gaze to know who he has spotted. Over at the other end of the counter, Natasha sits in front of her laptop with her forehead scrunched as her fingers dance across the keyboard. The expression on her face is one of deep concentration. It is the universal Do Not Bother Me face. The Talk-To-Me-And-I’ll-Kick-You-In-The-Face face. But as Sam had said, this guy hasn’t a clue as he makes his way towards her, his chest puffed out with renewed vigor.  

There isn’t a single doubt in his mind why this bozo (he’s certain of it now that he’s seen the guy interact with other humans) has zeroed in on his best friend. Natasha is gorgeous with eyes the shade of shining emeralds and scarlet tresses cascading down her back, its tips still platinum from when she had gone blonde. But more importantly, she’s devastatingly smart and witty – just ask everyone she’s obliterated in the courtroom once upon a time – and her sense of humor is absolutely top notch.

But there’s no way this bozo could know any of that. The only thing he recognizes is that Natasha’s dazzling as he perches on the stool next to her, leaning an elbow on the table and nearly knocking over her glass of water. Natasha’s reflexes are fast, though, and she pushes her laptop out of the way just as water sloshes over the top and onto the counter. She looks to the culprit, her eyes squinting into a death stare when she does not recognize the person next to her, and from where he’s watching the scene unfold, Steve laughs quietly, throwing the towel into the sink before making his way over.

“The name’s Brett,” he hears the guy say as he nears. “What’s yours, beautiful?”

“Nice to meet you, Brett,” he says, intercepting the guy’s hand just as he wraps his other around Natasha from behind, pulling her closer to him and dusting a kiss to the crown of her head. “Her name’s Natasha,” he informs him with a huge grin as Natasha relaxes into his touch. “And I’m Steve. Though I much prefer to be called her fiancé.”

Brett’s expression crumbles at his words, and he utters a quiet apology and then a farewell before exiting the bar defeatedly like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs.

“Fiancé, huh?” Natasha says, swiveling her chair around once Brett is out of sight. “We’ve certainly upgraded from fake boyfriend.”

He smirks. Since they become good friends in college, they made an agreement that when one of them got into a situation with unwanted advances, the other would step in as a rescue. It offered a painless out for the both of them at parties when they weren’t particularly interested in a person back then, and now it’s become a nightly rouse to fend off enthusiastic patrons.

“Seemed like the type who wouldn’t be deterred by the notion of a boyfriend,” he says with a shrug.

She raises an eyebrow in challenge. “A bit of a hard sell without a ring, don’t you think?”  

“He didn’t even notice that you wanted to be left alone,” he argues. “Doubt he has half a mind to look at your left hand.” She shrugs in concession just as a yawn falls from her lips, and he eyes the time on his watch. “Go home,” he says before smirking. “Before you attract more clowns.”

She rolls her eyes. “You should head home, too,” she counters. “Or are you and Tony painting the town red or whatever it is you two do?”

“Nope,” he says. “I have a meeting with my Dad and a potential buyer for Sarah’s in the morning, so no outrageously late nights for me. In the name of putting my best foot forward and all that.”

“You say that like you don’t always.”

“Tell the press that,” he deadpans. She shoots him a sympathetic look, but he’s quick to dismiss it with a shake of his head.

“Wanda and Peter are receiving deliveries tomorrow, so I don’t have to be here early,” she says, pointing a thumb over her shoulder. “You go, I’ll lock up.”

“Nope, not happening,” he says. “Go get your stuff and I’ll order you an Uber.” He puts a finger up just as her lips part to speak, effectively cutting her off. “And yes, I know you’re very well capable of roundhouse kicking someone’s teeth out, but I’m doing it anyway.” With Natasha’s years of practice in both gymnastics and mixed martial arts, he has no doubt in his mind that she can handle herself, but better safe than sorry late at night on the streets of New York. “It’s late. Go home, get some sleep.”

“Yeah, because I’m just dying to get home,” she mutters as she slips her laptop into her bag.

His expression hardens at her words. “Johnny still bothering you?”

“No more than living in the same building with only so many elevators as your determined ex fiancé does,” she says, her smile a little too sweet for his liking.

To any other person, Natasha’s response is convincing. But he knows his best friend well, knows how much the situation still eats at her. He isn’t a proponent for violence, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t had thoughts of throwing Johnny Storm off Natasha’s tenth floor balcony once or twice for what he did to her.  

“You know, the unit next to mine just opened up,” he says. “We’d rock being neighbors. It’ll be like we’re in college all over again, except this time, we’ll be borrowing grown up things like salt and sugar instead of cans of Red Bull.”

“No one actually believes that you eat sugar, Rogers,” she says teases, drawing a slim outline of his figure in the air. He rolls his eyes at her, making her laugh. “Look, I finally got the apartment I wanted after all these years.” She shakes her head. “He can move if he wants. As for me, I am a tree.”

“Well, tree, your Uber is around the corner,” he says, looking at his phone. “I’ll walk you out.”

“Oh great,” she says as they walk out the door. “For a second there, I thought I was going to have to walk the eight feet between this door and the car without an escort.” He shoots her a withering look, and she chuckles before leaning in to peck his cheek. “I’m kidding. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” he says, opening the car door for her to get in. He waits for the car to drive off, but he finds himself confused when the window rolls down instead.  

“One last thing,” she says before gesturing to his face. “Trim a little. Don’t shave it off, but you know… tidy up a bit. You’ll have your dad’s buyer eating out of the palm of your hand in no time.”

He scoffs. “Thanks. Don’t know how I could ever function without you.”

“You don’t,” she says, smiling.

“Go home, you goof,” he says, shaking his head as she gives him a wink and rolls the window back up. This time, the car drives off, and he waits until its taillights are out of sight before closing up for the night.

Update 12/02/19: CLICK HERE TO READ THE FULL CHAPTER ON AO3

My sincere gratitude, as always, to @faith2nyc for the beautiful teaser art. If you’re not already following her on Instagram, please do! 

DISCLAIMER: Final version may differ as the chapter enters the editing stage. Also I totally did not proofread this for typos and/or run-ons. 

[ghoultyrant]

FoZ Notes 22

Okay, here we go, final volume of the series. Not likely to be much added value here, but I took these notes regardless, so I’m posting them.

---------------------------------

We open with a bit about Brimir and Sasha, showing he put the Lífþrasir rune on her to potentially avert catastrophe while really hoping he didn't have to do so. It seems to be implied he doesn't want to get Sasha killed, but it's ambiguous and could be taken as him not wanting to nuke the Elves or something of the sort. Looking back after reading the rest of the volume... I honestly have no idea how this is meant to be taken.

The narrative refers to Colbert as being one of the 'rare realists' of Halkegina. That's... morbidly comedic in how grossly wrong it is, but there you go: Colbert is supposed to be a realist in the pessimistic sense of 'that sounds too good to be true, so it probably isn't true'.

Vitorrio apparently already knows that the place Saito comes from is 'the holy land'. I... have far too many questions...

Vitorrio dumps on us a backstory about how Brimir being God or Jesus-analogue is a lie and actually Brimir came from Earth and all magical nobles come from Earth having fled from the technology-using humans who are our ancestors. This is dumb nonsense, but foreshadowed dumb nonsense. Much worse is Vitorrio randomly claiming commoners haven't awakened to their magical power as an inevitable consequence of 'the blood thinning', where returning to Earth is supposed to be a solution. HOW???

If magic is a genetically inherited thing where breeding with non-mages is 'diluting' magical blood and reducing the portion of the population who can do magic, going back to Earth with it's technophile non-mage population is the OPPOSITE of a solution to magic power fading. Furthermore, how did we end up with mages in a minority in the first place? Did the original mages actually run away with a massive population of non-mages? If so, why? Were they slaves? SO MANY slaves that Halkeginia is predominantly non-mages? 'cause if so I have zero sympathy for the population that became Halkeginians.

Furthermore, Halkeginia is FILLED with magical races! If Vittorio wants to make magical humans the default form of human and the narrative is going to invoke magical eugenics while making Vitorrio entirely amoral in pursuit of his goals, the correct solution is to fight to overcome human prejudice against elves and orcs and other demihumans and in fact attempt to institutionally encourage cross-species breeding between commoners and assorted magical species. It's not like this series has been shy about sexualizing eg Tabitha's dragon when she's in human form, so you can’t tell me the series is shying away from bestiality undertones!

But no, Vitorrio's True Plan For Real This Time is literally to conquer Earth in some insane, nonsensical attempt to Get Magic Back. And of course nobody calls him on this being utterly insane nonsense that cannot POSSIBLY accomplish his stated goal.

Okay, and he also wants to conquer Earth to escape the Wind Stone-based catastrophe, with eyebrow-raising logic about how surely nobles will survive it just fine and only commoners will die, but seriously the magic genetics bit is blatant, horrifying nonsense, and it’s Vittorio’s inner thoughts so there’s no room to headcanon it as a lie or something else that would excuse this awfulness.

Also Vitorrio magically gets to drain Saito's life force as a side effect of opening the door. No explanation or justification provided. Just... loldrama.

This conveniently causes Saito to go into an Expositional Flashback™ in which he meets Brimir again and Brimir conveys that he's trying to kill all elves everywhere because "we can't understand each other", with this somehow supposed to be connected to magic stone catastrophe stuff. So, you know, stuff we already knew that doesn't make any more sense than last time.

When we cut back to Louise and company, we learn they immediately screwed off to wring their hands over Saito's unconscious form, instead of fighting Vitorrio’s horrible plan. Really?

Louise is explicitly willing to DIE to prevent Earth from being invaded... but no one entertains the notion of eg killing Vitorrio to stop his nonsense. Nah, they're going to try to talk him out of his insane plan. Really?

Henrietta is now using -dono when referring to Saito. Are you kidding me?

Henrietta and Vitorrio magically recognize a relatively modern pistol as being better than Halkeginian firearms... by just looking at the pistol laying around. Not testing it and seeing it has superior performance, or even remarking on something like it being made of parts too fine for a smith to pull together so precisely. Just... magically knowing it's good on sight.

Vitorrio also reveals that Earthlings have somehow invaded Halkeginian in ages past via a never-before-established natural portal between the world's, and now claims he wants to hit Earth before Earth figures out how to harness the Void (Why he thinks non-mages will be ABLE to do so goes unexplained) and attacks Halkeginian. This is ALMOST like a sensible, coherent motivation, but requires ignoring how contradictory and insane the premise is.

Turns out Vitorrio somehow knows for a fact that Louise can cancel the Wind Stone catastrophe, but is withholding this information from everyone to try to force people into going with the Conquer Earth plan. This is dumb, but plausible human dumb. Much dumber is the narrative talking directly to the audience to reveal that Julio is being left out because he's totally unsuited to deception and is actually a naive innocent sort... in utter contravention of literally EVERY prior scene Julio was in.

The Romalian church steals a nuke from under the sea, and Julio magically surmises its principles and informs Vitorrio that it's operating on Void principles. So... Void magic is now supposed to just be atomic shenanigans? I'm pretty sure the narrative previously heavily implied they're quantum shenanigans and regular magic is somehow atomic shenanigans. Consistency!

Pegasi are apparently a thing in Halkeginia. I don't think such came up before and it feels like a poor fit, but it's been a while since I last read so I might be forgetting something is all.

It's now being retconned in that Saito being the Lífþrasir familiar means that A: ANYONE using Void magic will tap Saito's life, and B: he will die in a matter of days for no good reason even if nobody taps his life force any further. Really? That admittedly makes the earlier bit of Saito collapsing into an Expositional Flashback™ a part of this retcon instead of pure arbitrariness, but this is a blatant, stupid retcon that cannot possibly be reconciled with prior events.

Derflinger is continuing to absorb magic while 'asleep', which I'm pretty sure contradicts what happened in prior volumes.

Also, Saito is perfectly willing to attack Romalian forces in an attempt to stop them from using nukes... but people continue to completely ignore any possibility of attacking Vitorrio himself. What is this garbage?

We get introduced to the Vysendal, Tristan's royal flagship built to carry dragons for the fight with Albion... which we somehow never heard about the many volumes ago it should've cropped up in. It’s basically a fantasy aircraft carrier airship.

Three loud knocks followed by two quiet knocks is how Agnes announces herself to Henrietta, apparently, and it's apparently forbidden for anyone else in the Tristainian palace to use this knock. O...Kay?

Bizarrely, Henrietta is of the opinion Saito would never cause trouble without a good reason. Attempted-rapist Saito, you mean? The Saito who has picked fights with people over issues of ego? That Saito? Mind, she barely knows him to be honest, but that just shifts the issue elsewhere. Hell, she even describes him as 'not hot-blooded', which is just laughably wrong.

We get introduced to Château d'If, which is an Elven prison. This is a little confusing given Elves have always solved these kinds of problems with exile or murder historically, but okay. Really, I'm more baffled by the French-sounding name, given Gallia is Not-France and the Elves haven't previously had Frenchness to them. In any event, it's an island prison off the shore of Eumenes, which... seems unlikely...

Also, it's directly named after a real place. Oh, and the narrative draws attention to the French naming, saying the name means 'prison island's in Gallian... but doesn't explain WHY it's named in a language Elves sneer at.

We get explicitly told only Elves that have committed serious crimes, such as treason, get locked up here. You know, the kinds of crimes we previously got told got Elves exiled. We also get told the island has been nearly totally abandoned by the Great Will (for some reason...) so Elves can't use Ancient Magic on it... except apparently the guards can due to making contracts of some sort, in contravention of prior Ancient Magic mechanics.

... and now Guiche is joining in on the 'Saito wouldn't make trouble without a good reason' nonsense train. He actually kind of knows Saito! Not only that but he's repeatedly projected his own shitty behavior onto Saito! He's very nearly the last character I'd buy this belief from!

The 'Great Will' is supposedly a giant chunk of magic rock (I forget if this already came up or if I’m getting mixed up by having run across some spoilers in earlier note-taking), and it grounding arbitrarily accumulating spiritual energy periodically is what causes the Wind Stone disaster stuff. We get this info from Brimir, with no explanation of how he drew this conclusion.

The story also throws in a line about how even blowing up the Wind Stones with Void magic isn't a valid answer because yadda yadda exhaustion. Honestly, this looks like a Suspiciously Specific Denial, like readers raised exactly this possibility, and the author is going 'shit, that's a really good point, but I can't have my intended drama if that's a valid answer so I've gotta invent a reason why it isn't'. Because seriously, with the scale of destructiveness Void magic is capable of, particularly considering how much the story is playing it up... yeah, blowing the Wind Stones up really ought to be a valid answer.

Compounding this is that Brimir explains his plan to prevent the Wind Stone disaster was... to blew up the Great Will. And it apparently worked. So the story is just contradicting itself; which is it? Explosions aren’t helpful, or explosions are helpful? It can’t be both.

Oh, and there's drama about how Brimir tried to explain his plan to the Elves, but they refused to move their city away from the Great Will so he could nuke it without killing them, with Elven leaders saying that if the Great Will wants the world destroyed then so be it and Brimir also remarking arbitrarily that the city at the foot of the Great Will would be the only place safe from the Wind Stone disaster so the story is kind of implying the Elves are actually going 'well, we'll be fine, so we don't care if you all die'.

Anyway, Brimir was pushed over the edge into nuking the area because his home village was slaughtered by Elves while he was trying to talk the Elves into letting him nuke the Great Will. So honestly this is revenge in part. (No explanation is ever offered for why they slaughtered his village, incidentally)

We also learn Sasha killing Brimir was in response to nuking the Elven city, and that Brimir let himself be killed, at least in part to free Sasha of her Familiar runes so the arbitrary death-by-being Lífþrasir won't kick in.

A recurring thing in this final volume is that the Gandalfr boost for just holding a weapon lets Saito function in spite of being heavily weakened. As in, he literally cannot stand, and then holding a weapon let's him walk, and in fact fight athletically.

There's a surprisingly clever moment during Tabitha and Saito's escape where she summons some water to use it as a reflective surface to check around a corner. It's just a variation on using a hand mirror to check around corners, but if characters had been using magic in this kind of way the whole time I'd be a lot more willing to overlook the series' many, many flaws.

We get told the Knights of Parterre are good at casting spells undetected... no explanation for how this works... and that Tabitha has mastered this skill, too. Ambush spellcasting is a neat idea, admittedly, but the context this is being invoked in is just confusing to invoke it in.

There's a bit about Elves being helpless if they can't complete magical chants. It's been a while, but I'm pretty sure previously part of what made Elves scary-powerful was that Markey needed to chant and Elves did not. Certainly, I remember for sure that Markey were chanters the whole time, which is conspicuously failing to be mentioned in this volume...

Aaaand now the story is saying Saito being emotionally moved by his rescuers (Louise not being among them, note) is helping to power his Gandalfr abilities, trampling on that whole 'powered by love' thing. Really? Like, it’s a dumb plotpoint, but undermining it by making emotions-in-general provide power has a lot of thematic and practical problems.

Vittorio's other name is Serevare, apparently. I presume that's his personal name, though it's not actually clear. I don't think this has been alluded to before. In any event, him spending a night praying is able to make mountains rise from underwater. 'cause Void magic. The exact justification provided is that he's specifically manipulating the magic Stone with Void magic, but this just raises obvious questions about the potential to use this capability to address the Wind Stone catastrophe, since those are also magic stones of the exact same sort. Sure, Vitorrio is lying about being unable to deal with the crisis, but nobody within the story notices this. Even with how low my opinion is of the intelligence of these characters, I can't suspend disbelief over this. It's a gaping hole in the argument Vitorrio is using to coerce Louise into helping him invade Earth. The story HAS to address this, and it doesn’t, instead stacking on drama scene after drama scene even as it rips out their foundations as they’re being pushed.

We get told Gandalfr powers can't actually compensate for lost vitality (even though that's exactly what Saito has been doing for a while now), but Derflinger can do so. (Never mind that he was re-acquired only minutes before this claim) Gandalfr powers can 'only' make Saito light as a feather. Yeah, just ignore this nonsense, it's just a crappy attempt to say Saito is even closer to death than ever before without actually impairing him in combat scenes any.

You remember how Derflinger has Convenient Magical Memory Loss? Yeah, while he was 'asleep' he got rid of that. Gosh. How convenient. And no, the story isn't going to try to explain why he didn't do this sooner, or explain how he knew how to do it now. Admittedly it's completely in-character for Derflinger to create problems for no actual reason while claiming to be helping... with the qualifier that's clearly not meant to be part of his character.

This is dumb and arbitrary, is what I'm getting at.

"Wow, even swords can cry." "No I won't, because then I'd rust." Wow, that's actually a great exchange that legit got me to laugh.

Holy crap, the story also remembered about crow familiars being used as serial scouts. That last showed up, what, 15 volumes ago?

Vitorrio apparently deliberately aims the portal at a US army base. At least, that's how Saito's internal narration presents it, but I'm pretty sure this is just the writer talking directly at the audience. This is presented as a sensible and intelligent course of action, which is confusing given I'd think Vitorrio would want to get his entire army on the other side before they had to face resistance. Even considering how intrinsically dumb his entire plan is, this is just confusing.

Turns out the Gandalfr killing their master makes Void magic go away. Because Reasons. So naturally Louise has committed suicide-by-Saito, to save his life. I cannot express in words how thoroughly I hate this stupid, monstrous, lazy culmination.

Then the story doubles down on the stupid, lazy, monstrous writing by having Derflinger commit suicide to revive Louise.

Bafflingly, Louise mourns Derflinger. I honestly cannot think of a single even marginally positive interaction the two had to justify this response. Like sure fine I can buy her feeling grateful for his sacrifice -ignoring how garbage everything about the sacrifice and its leadup is- but the story has her reminiscing about how he was 'always helping' and all. Conspicuously, where Saito flashbacks to a bunch of Actual Prior Events when mourning Louise's death, Louise doesn't name even a single incident in which Derflinger was helpful. So the writer can't remember any such moment either, and just hopes readers won't notice the lack.

Also, in literally the final volume, the place Saito was originally summoned finally has a name: Austri Plaza. Uh. Sure?

Cattleya gets convenient 'secret Elf medicine's to cure her incurable condition. So never mind that bit of respect I had for the series.

Louise permanently awakens to wind magic, because of course she does.

The elemental siblings show up, and we get told they're... vampire-human hybrids??? What? Did that crop up before and I just totally forgot?...

Oh, and Louise and Saito go live Happily Ever After in Japan after a bunch of drama is wrung out of Saito intending to first stay in Halkeginia and then more drama was wrung out of him deciding to go home even though it meant being separated from Louise. The story conspicuously fails to address how this could possibly work out well; Louise has pink hair, and is unlikely to completely avoid using her magic. She’s going to end up on an MiB dissection table in no time flat, frankly, not live happily ever after. This isn’t even touching on how messed-up it is for Louise to throw away her life in Halkeginia to follow Saito back; she has responsibilities of myriad sorts in Halkeginia. Heck, so does Saito at this point! Whereas back in Japan, the story has consistently indicated Saito’s parents are literally the only people who will notice or care about him going missing.

For that matter, there was this whole thing with Siesta, Louise, and Saito working out a three-person relationship, and while I found it cringe-y and was dubious because of the likely motives, this is just throwing that out by summarily cutting out Siesta. And also trashing the creepy, stupid crap with Tabitha and Henrietta loving Saito for no actual reason.

This ending is awful and antithetical to what lead up to it on so many levels.

-----------------------------------------------

So that’s it, I’m done taking notes on this series. I have a few things I’ll be saying in the coming weeks, but the note-taking is done, finally.

[cloudybookash-blog]

Just finished the first season of She-Ra and I only have a small amount of complaints that I think fall more into my personal opinion on characterizations and story lines than anything else. 

Love that the princesses that are there from the beginning are cute, gay and happy. Love that for them.

Love the diversity. Glimmer is body divergent but it never addressed as something inherently bad, or as a flaw - homegirl just look like that. Beau (Bo?) being part of the princesses because he is, and all his little background mannerisms where he’s seen cleaning and keeping things neat. 

Scorpia’s entire personality is the greatest, she’s such a realistic character who belongs to a family that gave their allegiance and power source to the horde willingly and she prides herself in her role by taking care of her troops and running a tight ship whilst also being one of the bad guys because well, she was never welcome with any of the other princesses. Her story is so believable and truly underrated. Plus, she’s just very nice. 

The other princesses having such a wide array of personalities (albeit without many complexities, I’ll admit) is refreshing. 

I’m a fan of the art-style, love all the pretty colors (and kind of reminds me of Steven Universe, ngl). Each setting has its own beautiful color palette, which is always helpful in identifying new places and remembering them when there are about 10.

My only problems really came in three (maybe four) people.

1. Adora. If anything I would’ve thought she’d make the perfect villain. First in everything, the favorite, constantly better than her peers with the emotional range of a teaspoon. Yes, yes, she’s fantastic with her new friends but we’ve seen better characters. She’s given multiple occasions to coerce her old crew into joining the rebellion but she never takes them, and when she does it’s done without heart, like I questioned her integrity a couple of times she just didn’t seem all that willing to help her old friends.

Yes, with Bow (apparently that’s how his name is spelled) and Glimmer she’s loyal and caring, thoughtful even. But none of that loyalty and thoughtfulness is present in her previous relationships. Upon finding out that the Horde is evil and that she more than likely was kidnapped as a young child (insinuating that almost EVERY horde soldier was stolen from their families) she doesn’t, not once, speak to her entire old crew and show them what she knows in a way that isn’t overtly condescending.

There’s a moment where I think Catra is going to join Adora, but even then, Adora is only bargaining, and asking Catra to join her because Catra is literally about to kill her. And EVEN THEN she barely tried, rather than apologising for not being aware enough when they were kids to stand up for Catra in a way that would’ve mattered to her, she just goes on about how Catra doesn’t have to do this. This forces Catra to give up her grounds has someone who’s been wronged because the wrong-does refuses to admit fault.

Like I said, my problems are probably all to do with personal preferences of characters. People probably view this as a unique flaw never really had in an MC before. Except, it’s pretty common in male MC’s in high fantasy’s. And I not only read a lot of those, but also hate them specifically because the characters have minimal self awareness and almost 0% integrity anytime they’re genuinely confronted with their flaws.

2. Catra. Listen, she would’ve been a GREAT She-Ra. You can’t deny it. She’s always coming in second best, she can never get ahead, she’s not only hated but has been actively tortured because of her ties to Adora. She’s been told the only reason she’s kept around is because Adora seems to like her. She’s literally alive because some six year old wanted a pet. She would be the first one to have zero (0) reasons to stay with the horde.

Her entire life has been spent in the shadow and to be able to be She-Ra, with enough support could bring her the confidence in her person she so sorely needs. We’ve seen she’s a great leader, although as a villain in a serial she’s obviously going to be beaten time and time again but she does actually have good plans and she has a flare for the dramatic. 

This isn’t Loki-style fanning over a ‘morally-grey’ character this is sadness at the fact people may interpret her character as, ‘people who are ambitious are evil, people who don’t conform to society, or aren’t very charming socially are evil’. Rather than we (the audience) should try being a little more aware of the people around us and how our actions can deeply effect them.

Catra’s personality and in the end her resolve is formed by the actions of Shadow Weaver, Adora, and her team. They bully, ostracize and abuse her (some, unknowingly of course) but that’ s the point. Her ‘evilness’ is brought on by years of people not being self-aware enough to understand the damage they were causing. She’s a great sympathetic villain, I don’t think I’ve ever even felt sympathy for a fictional ‘bad guy’ before so don’t get me wrong she’s fine in her role. I just, personally, would’ve enjoyed seeing her at the forefront of the rebellion rather than Adora.

With a personality that would’ve been open to an underdog scenario, and her persistent attitude (especially if this was fueled by people supporting and relying on her) she could’ve been a great She-Ra.

3. Entrapta. Again this is solely the whole how she’s going to perceived thing, ‘geeks and freaks are weird and societal outcasts are evil.’ It keeps up this narrative of only certain types of people are allowed to be good, there’s a check list of traits you have to have that are unrelated to your ideologies that decide which side you fight for.

Entrapta, like Catra, is treated like an outcast and always (in sinisterly subtle ways that are usually used as comedic relief) made to feel bad for who she is. She’s curious on top of everything else but the lesson we get about her story ark is curiosity killed the rebellion. It’s like saying ‘don’t be too curious’, otherwise you’ll end up with no morals and will be easily manipulated into joining the ‘evil people’.

When, again, the meaning should be that we REALLY need to put more effort into making those in our society who are different know and understand that they’re important. No, this doesn’t mean baby school shooter, incel type people or people who legitimately go out of their way to hurt others for no reason. But, we shouldn’t treat neuro-divergent people with such hostilities (subtle or otherwise) because then WE create the monster. Just as with Catra, Entrapta was created through the actions of her peers towards her person.

I can’t blame either of these villains for choosing the dark side, who wasn't to be good when the people on the good side don’t want you to be, well, YOU.

4. Decidedly, four things that bug me. Bow and Glimmers (already mentioned Adora’s part in this) and extendedly the other Princesses’ treatment of those in the horde they meet. One specific scene got me MAD. Bow is imprisoned and one of Adora’s ex-crew mates begins betraying his own just because Bow is the first person to actual listen and all this kid wants is to have friends, real friends that would do anything for one another and this poor kid is TRYING. Bow’s reaction was abysmal to say the least. At first, he cracks a joke that he doesn’t really have a choice as he’s imprisoned, we get it, funny ha-ha. But, he genuinely appears to believe that the only reason he’s listening is because he’s imprisoned, that he (who gave Adora her chance before even really getting to know her) wouldn’t give the exact same to this kid actively risking his life to relay information about Glimmer. 

Bow’s the puppy-love character whose flaw is (supposed to be) that he loves/trusts too easy. So why is he suddenly not listening to this kid just trying to have a friend who is actively helping Bow and is (possibly) the sole reason they find Glimmer in the end. Without his help there wouldn’t have been enough time to hack into the horde’s tech again to search for her. But, Bow doesn’t say anything when his rescue arrives AND THROWS THIS KID OFF A CLIFF MID-SENTENCE. I don’t know, that felt so wildly out of character.

Glimmer I understand more, she’s hotheaded and originally was VERY against Adora. It took a lot of life threatening situations for her to finally begin trusting Adora. Still, upon getting to know Adora, learning how horribly she was raised, the trauma it’s left her with, Glimmer (not for one seconds) questions whether they should MAYBE check on other horde members, no one should be kidnapped and raised in such an environment only to die for a regime that’s been lying to them. Yet, that’s exactly what happened.

Don’t get me wrong, these are four things that I pretty much understand have more to do with my preferences with characters and story-lines than anything else and like I said, the list (though detailed because I love being negative) is small in comparison to list of things that I like so far about the show. 

Just wanted to get that out there.

Also, does the Voltron fandom follow She-Ra because this ECHOES Voltron vibes and I honestly don’t see a reason why they shouldn’t also vehemently back this show (other than the straights that watch Voltron are too busy getting off on gay men to care or give any ground to a just as diverse, funny, cast that just so happens to have gender flipped the story.)

[doctorlaelia-ffxiv]

Proving Grounds

“Don’t you think it’s weird that a Tribunus’ daughter would reach this position at her age? Obviously she had her father pull some strings.”

 “Women don’t have the head needed for surgery. They get too emotional!” 

 “Have you seen the body on her? And the face? There’s no way she didn’t lay a few professors to get here. I heard that her and Professor Manius were a little too close... Lots of late nights spent in his office and lab together... Hah!” 

 “Are they serious-- I’m going to go break up their little rumor mill.”

 I turned turned my head to see the tall young doctor beside me starting to turn and make his way towards the group that we’d just passed. Half-smiling, I reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him back to my side. He looked at me and frowned, thick blond brows furrowed over sea green eyes.

 “I’ve heard all of it,” I told him. “Don’t worry, Quintus. They’ll say what they say. I just have to prove that I’ve earned my place here.”

 “You don’t have to prove anything,” he said, frustrated, as he fell back into step with me. “You did everything by yourself - everything. I even offered to take notes to share with you when you were so sick you couldn’t get out of bed back in school, and you said no, and dragged yourself to the lecture hall anyway. They don’t know a thing about you, or how hard you work, or--” 

 “They don’t,” I agree, turning the corner and glancing down at the chart in my arm. “Starting a fight with them about it while you’re on duty won’t teach them anything about me. They’ll probably think you’re just another doctor that I’m sleeping with. I have to go change the dressings of a patient in the ICU.” 

 Before he could open his mouth and argue again, I was already halfway down the hall, my heels clicking against the floor. In truth, the rumors that circulated around me had stopped giving me a headache a long time ago. They were like a callous. I was aware of them, of course, but they didn’t sting or burn like they did when they were blisters. They’d chased me since I first entered medical school two years earlier than one was meant to. It didn’t make sense that a sixteen year old would graduate and instantly enter pre-med, but there I was, doing just that.

 Now I had reached fellow status at the hospital, and somehow, the rumors didn’t stop coming. I assisted in and conducted successful surgeries, had written a brilliant thesis, even helped the research of a rare disease that had come under my care by suggesting the doctor in charge try a non-standard form of surgery. Regardless, I would always be the ‘hot doctor,’ the one that surely used her body or her connections to get where she was. You never heard them whispering, ‘she has an IQ of 161.’ That was irrelevant. 

 “Doctor Caelius!” someone cried from behind me, just as I was about to step in through the doors of the ICU. I turned, looking to the frantic nurse that was chasing after me. “There’s an emergency. I can’t get a hold of Doctor Pullus and he’s the surgeon on call, we need you--” 

 “What’s going on?” I asked, turning away from the ICU and running after the nurse as we made our way to the emergency room, taking the stairs two at a time and weaving past other personnel. Patients in wheelchairs and walking with their IVs blinked as we rushed past.

 “There’s a pilus primus in the emergency room with apparent head trauma,” is all the nurse said. That’s all it took for me to start sprinting faster, regretting the high heeled boots I’d opted for to wear during my rounds as my heels started to ache with the impact of each foot fall. 

When we reached the emergency room, it was chaos. There were armed guards surrounding a man slumped over in a chair, and all of the doctors and nurses that were there were apparently not being allowed access to him. One of the guards was shouting for a doctor, ignoring the nurse at his elbow as she tried to force her way through the crowd and to the injured pilus primus. 

 “We’re not letting a woman treat the pilus!” the guard shouted. “Get a man, immediately!” 

 I slowed, eyes zeroing in on the pilus in question. His face was completely drained of color, and his head was lolling against his chest, eyes half open but entirely unfocused. Blood was seeping out from beneath his thick white hair, and his lip was fat and bruised, the guards around him looking nervous. Even still, they didn’t exactly look like Garlean military material; they looked more like a gang that had lied their way into the hospital. 

 I watched Quintus starting forward, but I was faster than him. As the guard that had been shouting was distracted by my surgeon friend, I ducked beneath his arm and made my way to bleeding man, pulling the little pen-flashlight from the pocket of my coat. There was a roar of outrage by the other guards, but security had, thankfully, finally shown up. Just as I felt a hand on my shoulder to pull me back, it was gone, the burly security guards holding the rowdy group at bay. 

 “Are you able to speak?” I asked as I examined the man’s pupils and checked his pulse. He looked like hell. We didn’t have a lot of time to waste.

 “Don’t wanna womandor... women docit... doto-...” He tried to glare up at me, but the effect was lost when it was clear that he couldn’t clearly articulate. 

 “Get a CT scan immediately and prepare an operating room,” I said, straightening up and turning only to feel the man grab the back of my coat.

 “No,” he managed to snap as I turned my head back to him. “Notyu--... Not YOU... Man!” 

 “You’re experiencing something called dysphasia,” I said, pulling my coat out of his bloodied hand. “Which is why you aren’t able to speak properly. There’s a lesion on your brain from blunt force trauma, by the looks of it. Apart from that, my professional opinion is that you’re suffering from an epidural hematoma. Basically, your brain is bleeding. Eventually, it could start to move around in your skull and cause brain damage, or it could very well kill you. We won’t know that for sure until we get a scan, but I have a pretty good feeling.” 

 Turning fully, I braced my hands on the arms of the chair on either side of him and leaned in close to his face again while security was attempting to escort the armed guards out of the hospital. I was acutely aware that I was being watched by the whole room, as well as the bleeding man. He was young, probably only in his late twenties or early thirties. 

 “I’m your best bet at the moment,” I told him in a low voice, meeting his gaze. “I’m a very good surgeon. And I’m willing to bet I’m the only surgeon that wouldn’t be really angry that a group of gangsters came in and lied to the staff that they were part of the Garlean military. You know it’s illegal to impersonate law enforcement and military, right? They’d all treat you, of course - it’s in our oath - but you don’t want an annoyed surgeon. It decreases the success rate.” 

 Straightening up, I was able to turn without being grabbed again and nodded to Quintus as I passed. His mouth was half open. 

 “I’ll be leading the surgery. This one is my new patient,” I said, gesturing behind me with a thumb. “CT scan. Stat!” 

I exhaled as I removed my surgical mask and gloves, rubbing my hand against my cheek. It had been exactly as I predicted: an epidural hematoma. Fortunately, the surgery had been a success - if a long process - and I felt like I could breathe again. Talking a big game was one thing. Making good on it was another subject entirely. The patient would be moved to the ICU, and we’d figure out his actual identity from either his bodyguards or him, when he woke up. 

 “Laelia!” Quintus called out as he quickly followed me out of the operating theater. I smiled tiredly at him and reached up, patting his arm.

 “Good work today,” I told him, continuing to walk. He kept pace with me as he removed his own mask and gloves, disposing of them as he moved.

 “That was amazing. All of it! In the emergency room, and the surgery-- you do it everything so quickly and neatly, you knew his diagnosis right away-- You’re incredible. Really. I don’t think there’s anything that brain of yours can’t do.”

 “You’re going to make me blush if you keep that up,” I joked, nudging him with my elbow. 

 “Let’s go out for tea sometime,” he blurted out. “Like, um... As a man and a woman. Not as colleagues. There’s a cafe that opened up with a ton of new kinds that our traders got from Kugane, so--”

 “I don’t like tea,” I replied breezily. “And I need to look over the surgical reports before I call it a night. Doctor Pullus will be looking for me when he finds out what happened to probably question my methods. Tell him I went home.” 

 I kept walking but Quintus didn’t. I didn’t mind the sudden silence at my side, too satisfied with myself to care.

“Don’t you think it’s weird that a Tribunus’ daughter would reach this position at her age? Obviously she had her father pull some strings.”

“Women don’t have the head needed for surgery. They get too emotional!”

“Have you seen the body on her? And the face? There’s no way she didn’t lay a few professors to get here. I heard that her and Professor Manius were a little too close... Lots of late nights spent in his office and lab together... Hah!”

"Fuck you guys,” I muttered, making my way to the locker room to change.

[shelfnovel12-blog]

10 Common IBS Myths

In this article, I discuss 10 myths that have been popularized in the media that pertain to your gut health. Get cozy folks, this one’s another long one.

Throughout my experience with IBS, I have come across some information that when put into practice alleviated, worsened, or had no effect on my symptoms. In my post My Journey with Gut Health, I discuss some of the diet and lifestyle choices I employ to manage my IBS symptoms.

I thought I would take a moment to dispel some common misconceptions about IBS that I see floating around the internet. Hopefully doing so will save some of you some time and pain. The biggest takeaways I hope you get from this post is you aren’t alone, it’s likely not all in your head, and you don’t have to live with IBS forever.

Before we start, please do keep in mind I have no medical training or formal background in nutrition. Everything I share is based on podcasts or articles I have read by qualified professionals, and my own experience.

Always proceed with caution when making any change to your diet or lifestyle. The last thing you need is to go down a rabbit hole from which emergence is difficult.

Let’s get in there. Here are 10 IBS Myths worth debunking.

1.) IBS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD

Many doctors in the Western medicine field have reacted to the SIBO and Candida craze with the same opposing force with the opinion that IBS is a made up illness by those who need attention. For some people, maybe.

The consensus in the alternative healthcare field (and is becoming more widely accepted in the Western medicine world) is IBS often stems from a bacterial, mold, yeast, fungal, or parasitic infection. It can also be caused by food intolerance or stress (we’ll get to that in a second), but in many cases where symptoms are chronic, the root cause of the issue is an infection.

The exact type of infection can be difficult to pin down and they can also be difficult to treat depending on the source and severity of the infection. The best way to go about treating IBS is to go to a doctor who specializes in gut health and focuses on discovering and treating the bugs causing the symptoms.

While Western doctors do use some lab tests to test for various types of bacteria, yeast, fungus, and parasites, the tests used don’t cover a whole spectrum of pathogens. In addition, the sample often falls in the hands of a lab technician who isn’t specifically trained to look for GI pathogens. In this sense, lab tests can be extremely inaccurate…to the extent that you can hand a lab a parasitic tapeworm and test negative for parasites and ova. It really is that bad.

My recommendation to anyone with IBS or even non-GI related mystery health ailments is to see an alternative or functional medicine doctor who is skilled at uncovering the root cause of the disease. If you’re like me, and you require ultra science in order to believe anything, you can still see a GI specialist in addition to a functional medicine doctor. There is no harm in tackling your health from all angles so that you gain a sharper understanding.

IBS Symptoms Can Be Caused By:

Gut Dysbiosis (a bacterial, fungal, yeast, or parasitic infection)

Stress and emotional trauma

Food intolerance

A vitamin/nutrient deficiency

Dehydration

Over-exercise

Is there a psychological and mindset component to IBS? Absolutely. Those who are chronically stressed or carry emotional trauma often have chronic gut issues. Chronic duress puts your body in a continuous compromised state where healing from physical ailments is challenging.

Here’s where things get tricky. What came first – the chicken or the egg? Is it the chronic stress that welcomes and harvests the infection? Or, is it the infection that causes the emotional and psychological stress?  

All this to say, IBS is often the result of an infection or food intolerance and is very much real. IBS can be a manifestation of emotional issues in the cases where patients convince themselves they have unwanted visitors when comprehensive lab results from a well-qualified doctor confirm there is no infection.

There is a known link between the state of your gut and the state of your mind. Information is passed from gut to brain stem through the vagus nerve. In this sense, those who have chronic gut issues often have low energy or depression, which can then affect behavior.

The goal of all lifeforms is to stay alive. The harmful bugs in your gut will send information to your brain, telling you what to feed them. This is why those with gut issues often need to go against their intuition when it comes to food – what their body is telling them is actually coming from the pathogenic visitors in their gut. Those with IBS or autoimmune disease (myself included) often yearn for sugar and carbs when the gut visitors are fighting to survive and thrive.

If you’re interested in this topic, listen to THIS PODCAST from Dr. Ruscio.

The best way of going about IBS is to see a doctor who is trained in discovering and treating harmful gut visitors in order to uncover the root source of the symptoms.

HORMONES AND GUT HEALTH

What is so interesting is hormonal imbalances and gut dysbiosis often work in tandem. Why? If your hormones aren’t working the way they should, you may be chronically constipated (even if you’re pooping every day!), which means you aren’t properly eliminating bad estrogen. When estrogen is reabsorbed in your body and your gut creates a breeding ground for bacterial, fungal, yeast, or mold overgrowth. Once your balance of hormones is thrown off, it is easy for a cycle of GI symptoms to perpetuate.

Women who make a point of balancing their hormones often find relief with GI symptoms. If you are a female who is experiencing GI issues, depression, anxiety, low energy, low libido, and/or skin issues, it is worth seeing an endocrinologist to have your hormones tested.

2.) SUGAR ALCOHOLS ARE “HEALTHIER” THAN REGULAR SUGAR:

The sugar alcohol industry has blown up in tandem with the keto diet. In theory, because there is no actual sugar in sugar alcohols, they should not feed gut bacteria, right? In theory, because there is no actual sugar in sugar alcohols, they shouldn’t raise your blood sugar, right? The real answer, like so many answers, is it depends on who you are.

Sugar alcohols can be one of the worst non-food foods you can put in your body if you have gut dysbiosis, and even if you have diabetes. And it isn’t the sugar (or lack thereof), it’s the composition of the food.

People who have a compromised gut lining or autoimmune condition have a difficult time properly breaking down sugar alcohols. Part of the sugar alcohol may be digested, whereas the indigestible portion putrefies in the already inflamed gut lining, thereby causing gas, bloating, diarrhea, or an autoimmune flare.

What I have found to be fascinating is although sugar alcohols are by design not supposed to raise your blood sugar, they can cause blood sugar spikes in those who have a difficult time processing them. I fall into this group of individuals. My blood sugar spikes when I consume sugar alcohols to the extent that I’m better off consuming raw organic cane sugar or pure maple syrup. 

Some folks do fine with specific types of zero-sugar sweeteners, trulia and stevia being two that have been generally accepted as somewhat okay for the majority of people without gut issues. Some folks find they have a sweet spot where they can consume a certain amount of any sugar alcohol but anything beyond that specific amount breaks a threshold and then they experience gas. Some people (like me) can’t touch any form of zero-sugar sweetener at all, period end.

I want to be clear: The sugar alcohol craze is not Keto’s fault. If you’re going to do keto, be sure you’re still making wise choices, like not over-doing it on dairy (which is highly inflammatory for many individuals) or leaning on non-nourishing non-food foods like sugar alcohols.

If you have a sensitive GI or suffer from chronic gut dysbiosis, do yourself a favor and stay away from sugar alcohols entirely. 

Want to learn more about sugar alcohols in general? I found this article from The Healthy Home Economist to be helpful.

3.) BANANAS. A CAUTIONARY TALE.

Bananas have been a recommended cure for stomach ache for decades. Some folks find a lot relief after eating a banana. In fact, with the right individual, bananas can help form healthier stools; however, with folks who suffer from constipation and gas (IBS-C), bananas can cause flares.

During the times my gut health is great, I can put ½ a banana in my smoothie and feel just fine. But if I’ve been eating other foods that are high in FODMAPs, I can’t get away with this. Bananas happen to be one of my biggest triggers of gas, so while unripe bananas are considered fine on a FODMAP elimination diet, I steer clear of them regardless when my GI is upset.

If you are sensitive to sugar or fructose specifically, it’s best to avoid the high sugar fruit like bananas, peaches, apples, etc.

4.) THE MORE FIBER THE BETTER

Those of you have IBS are always told to eat a ton of fiber. In theory, maybe! Fiber encourages water to enter the gut and adds bulk to the stool, both of which are helpful for regular digestion. But if you have gut dysbiosis (an imbalance of bad bacteria in your gut), even the healthiest forms of fiber will kick up IBS symptoms and can cause fatigue, gnarly gas and bloating.

Some folks are so sensitive to plant matter, in fact, that they eat a primarily carnivorous diet. In Robb Wolf’s podcasts with Amber O’Hearn, and Mikaila Peterson both ladies discuss how they found relief from autoimmune symptoms by eating an entirely plant-free diet.

Fiber feeds both good bacteria and bad bacteria. If you have bacterial overgrowth, be mindful about the amount and type of fiber you consume so that you aren’t giving the bad bacteria the upper hand. You’re aiming for Low-FODMAP sources of fiber, and even still make sure you limit the amount you eat. I find too much fiber, particularly on an empty stomach, can cause gas for me.

In the last decade or so, there has been an uptick in folks who experience IBS symptoms who have transitioned to a Paleo Diet. Why? When you eat Paleo, you by default consume more plant matter, including high-FODMAP vegetables. While most people feel amazing on a Paleo diet, some folks (myself included) must stick with the lower FODMAP whole foods to keep their gut bugs under control.

During the times you’re going through an IBS flare, you may find some relief if you avoid eating raw vegetables. Instead, go for bone broth and Low-FODMAP cooked vegetables, like zucchini, carrots and spaghetti squash. Because they are tough and fibrous, raw vegetables irritate your gut lining and can worsen your symptoms.

Cruciferous vegetables like cauliflower, brussels sprouts, and kale, are highly fermentable, so it is best to avoid them. When going through a flare, aim for soft, bland foods. Think steamed or sauteed or steamed Low-FODMAP veggies, or a brothy soup.

When I have a flare, I make soup with chicken bone broth, chicken, white rice, carrots, and zucchini. That’s it – no onions, garlic, or celery. I love the way it tastes and it seems to soothe my GI every time.

5.) CELERY JUICE CURES ALL WOES

Hard no.

If you’re experiencing IBS symptoms and you read an article that suggests celery juice is the alpha omega for good digestion and stellar health and longevity, HALT! Proceed with caution. Celery is one of the highest FODMAP vegetables and for many people causes IBS flares. Sure, the juiced version removes the fiber, but the basic fermentable carbohydrate remains.

The worst IBS symptoms I have ever experienced came after drinking celery juice. I, too, read the research, thought celery juice would cure me of all my woes, dove in head-first, drank my 16 ounces, and proceeded to have the worst gas of my life. Seriously, people…I wanted to escape my body. Giving the celery juice the benefit of the doubt, I tried again on multiple occasions in lower amounts with the same result.

If you have IBS and want to try it, go for it…just please do me a solid and test it first by drinking 6 ounces instead of the recommended 16. If you feel incredible, up the ante to maybe 10 ounces and go from there. You don’t need to go balls deep in celery juice just because the rest of the interweb is.

6.) ALL GRAINS ARE ALL THE BAD

Some people have a strong digestive aversion to all grains. Some folks tolerate specific grains, some folks can pound basically all the grains ever and feel like the champion of the universe. Grains are arguably the most controversial and also highly individualistic food groups.

Not all grains are created equally, not all grains are high in FODMAPs, and not all people react adversely to grains.

I find white rice or sprouted brown rice to be completely fine with my digestive system. If I eat too much rice, of course I’ll see the same response anyone would after eating too much carbohydrate (water retention, puffiness, brain fog).

A little rice actually seems to help my digestive system move things along due to the resistant starch. I am sensitive to all potatoes, including sweet potatoes, so rice is my choice source for starch and carbohydrate.

Learn more about rice in my recent blog post, Is Rice Paleo?. I discuss the difference between white and brown rice, how your body processes it, and who rice may be ideal for versus who should avoid it.

In my cookbook, Paleo Power Bowls, I include recipes that contain (queue scary horror flick music: rice). I was concerned about doing so, because some paleo  purists say ALL GRAINS should be avoided ALWAYS. In my personal experience, rice can be very nourishing when prepared properly. But that is me.

In general, most grains (particularly gluten-containing grains) should be avoided by those who have IBS, IBD, or other autoimmune disease. And not necessarily because of the gluten! For some who have a wheat sensitivity, the sensitivity is not with the gluten (protein) it is with the type of carbohydrate. I fall into this category, as my digestive issues are exacerbated by food that are high in FODMAPs.

To summarize, not all grains are created equally, and which grains work for you is a matter of your unique DNA and gut microbiome.

7.) THE MORE EXERCISE THE BETTER

Should everyone, including folks with IBS prioritize exercise? Absolutely! I highly, highly recommend you get some form of exercise daily, even if it’s just a 20-30 minute walk. Exercise increases your body’s mitochondria and also enhances mitochondrial function. Mitochondria transforms food energy into cellular energy, thereby improving your body’s ability to produce energy.

This not only makes you feel your best but also increases your energy level, decreases your body’s inflammation, decreases your brain fog, increases your lifespan (so long as you aren’t an ultra athlete), detoxifies your body, and so so much more.

Where I caution you with exercise, is if you have an obsessive personality like me, and tend to exercise too vigorously. Continuous vigorous exercise in and of itself can cause IBS symptoms. Like all things in life, work smarter, not harder.

If you exercise too much, your body is in fight or flight mode and isn’t able to put energy toward healing your GI. In addition, if you sweat profusely regularly, you may be depleting your body of electrolytes, causing dehydration, which in turn can cause constipation. So make sure you’re getting adequate sodium, magnesium and potassium, and drinking enough water.

Find your sweet spot. Blood flow is important. Over-exercising can lead to chronic stress on your body, which prohibits it from healing. The goal is to stress your body out just enough to where the proper signals are being transmitted to heal and repair.

If your body is already fighting a condition, you don’t want to be in a state of constant damage where your body can’t keep up with the amount of chronic stress you give it.

8.) YOU SHOULDN’T EAT A LOW-FODMAP DIET LONG-TERM

I can’t even begin to tell you how much anxiety this one has caused me in the past 6 months. I have read article after article and listened to podcast after podcast that purported a Low-FODMAP diet should not be your long-term solution to alleviating IBS symptoms.

To make a very long story short, you can breathe easy, because it is fine to eat a Low-FODMAP diet long-term. 

And here’s why.

The concern about eating a limited diet is in turn having a limited gut microbiome. The thought is you want your gut microbiome to be as diverse as possible. YOU GUYS, THIS IS TRICKY.

On the one hand, it is important for your gut to be colonized with a wide array of bacteria (this is why you should take a probiotic that is rich in many, many types of good bacteria, not just one or a few strains). HOWEVER, on the other hand, you can have an incredibly diverse gut microbiome and still suffer from health issues, AND you can have an incredibly diverse gut microbiome and eat an incredibly limited diet.

I had a conversation with Robb Wolf on this topic, and the two biggest takeaways were 1.) Some of the healthiest tribes in the world eat very little variety, and yet their longevity is through the roof and they’re largely disease-free. and 2.) Folks with celiac disease have very diverse gut microbiomes, and yet: they’re celiac.

In addition, during a recent visit to my GI doctor, I asked if eating a low-FODMAP diet long term would cause problems for me and the answer was absolutely not. There is no problem with avoiding foods that cause fermentation in your gut, which causes IBS symptoms.

Again, refer back to the two ladies I mentioned earlier who eat a carnivore diet and yet have superb blood work.

To summarize: It is perfectly fine to eat a Low-FODMAP diet long-term, and it is perfectly fine to eat a diet that is low in variety. The things you want to pay attention to are they way you feel and your blood work.

9.) NUTS, SEEDS AND INFLAMMATION

In theory, nuts and seeds are very nutrient dense. They contain protein, healthy fat, and minerals. The trouble is, the phytates and lectins in nuts and seeds (which are designed to protect them through digestion so that they can continue to thrive when pooped out) make them very difficult to digest.

Those whose digestive systems are ironclad may not notice any belly upset, but those who have a damaged GI (leaky gut) will notice pain and inflammation when they eat nuts or seeds above a certain amount.

All flours, including gluten-free and grain-free flours can be particularly tough on those who have compromised gut lining. Flours can irritate an already inflamed lining and can also seep through the intestinal wall in those with leaky gut. Those who have digestive issues will find some relief when they avoid all forms of flour. Additionally, those with autoimmune disease may find less inflammation or flares when they limit their intake of nuts and seeds.

In general, if you’re going to make nuts and seeds a regular part of your diet, it is best to sprout them first. The sprouting process removes most of the phytates and lectins and makes the nutrients more bioavailable.

10.) CALORIC INTAKE, FASTING, AND A WORLD OF “SHOULDS”

For decades, a 2,000 calorie diet with 3 meals a day has been what is considered “normal” and recommended in the healthcare community. This isn’t just an IBS myth, it’s an overall myth. Everyone’s caloric needs are different, just as everyone’s macro needs are different. Bodybuilders need upwards of 5,000 calories per day. Someone like me needs closer to 1,500.

Similarly, intermittent fasting can be incredibly healing for those with gut issues (it is a regular part of my gut health practice), but does not bode well with everyone, and also may be something you can only do – well – intermittently.

Don’t glue yourself to intermittent fasting if your body is screaming at you. Don’t feel like you HAVE to eat when you aren’t hungry.

Suffice it to say, there is a large disparity in the way of caloric and macronutrient requirements. Both overeating and chronic under-eating can cause digestive issues. The key is to pay attention to your body’s changing needs and not try to out-smart it. 

In a society where people are constantly feeling anxiety about food and are micromanaging their diet and bodies, there are two sides to the Volume of Food Consumption coin. Those who believe they need to constantly under-eat in order to be a valuable human, and those who constantly eat too much because they worry if they don’t eat enough they will be seen as having an eating disorder.

Remember to fuck the noise and find a sustainable lifestyle that works for you. My humble opinion is the worst thing the wellness community does for people who have a “healthy relationship with food,” is turn healthy behavior into neurotic behavior.

Stay true to yourself…all opinions be damned…including your own.

Intuitive Eating

I discuss Intuitive Eating at length in my cookbook, Paleo Power Bowls, but I thought it appropriate to touch on it here.

The concept of intuitive eating and food freedom has become the new buzz over the last couple of years. Should you listen to your body? YES! However, most people must eliminate processed foods (primarily refined high carbohydrate food and sugar) before the gut can send accurate signaling to the brain.

As mentioned before, sugar and carbohydrate feed gut bacteria, which are vying for survival. Not to mention, sugar is one of the most addictive substances on the planet. Without healing your gut and ridding your body of reliance on sugar, your body’s intuition becomes skewed.

The great news is your body is incredibly smart. Once addictive and inflammatory foods are eliminated, your body does really know what it needs. I can’t stress the importance of forging your own path when it comes to diet, exercise, and wellness. Your health and wellbeing lifestyle will look entirely different from most people you know, because everyone’s wellness path looks different.

In Conclusion…

I hope this helps! Trust your instincts. Do your research, listen to the qualified voices. Build your team of healthcare professionals who are constantly researching and adapting their treatment plans according to good science. At the end of the day, only make changes when they are right for you.

xo

Source: https://www.theroastedroot.net/10-common-ibs-myths/

[birdshirt1-blog]

10 Common IBS Myths

In this article, I discuss 10 myths that have been popularized in the media that pertain to your gut health. Get cozy folks, this one’s another long one.

Throughout my experience with IBS, I have come across some information that when put into practice alleviated, worsened, or had no effect on my symptoms. In my post My Journey with Gut Health, I discuss some of the diet and lifestyle choices I employ to manage my IBS symptoms.

I thought I would take a moment to dispel some common misconceptions about IBS that I see floating around the internet. Hopefully doing so will save some of you some time and pain. The biggest takeaways I hope you get from this post is you aren’t alone, it’s likely not all in your head, and you don’t have to live with IBS forever.

Before we start, please do keep in mind I have no medical training or formal background in nutrition. Everything I share is based on podcasts or articles I have read by qualified professionals, and my own experience.

Always proceed with caution when making any change to your diet or lifestyle. The last thing you need is to go down a rabbit hole from which emergence is difficult.

Let’s get in there. Here are 10 IBS Myths worth debunking.

1.) IBS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD

Many doctors in the Western medicine field have reacted to the SIBO and Candida craze with the same opposing force with the opinion that IBS is a made up illness by those who need attention. For some people, maybe.

The consensus in the alternative healthcare field (and is becoming more widely accepted in the Western medicine world) is IBS often stems from a bacterial, mold, yeast, fungal, or parasitic infection. It can also be caused by food intolerance or stress (we’ll get to that in a second), but in many cases where symptoms are chronic, the root cause of the issue is an infection.

The exact type of infection can be difficult to pin down and they can also be difficult to treat depending on the source and severity of the infection. The best way to go about treating IBS is to go to a doctor who specializes in gut health and focuses on discovering and treating the bugs causing the symptoms.

While Western doctors do use some lab tests to test for various types of bacteria, yeast, fungus, and parasites, the tests used don’t cover a whole spectrum of pathogens. In addition, the sample often falls in the hands of a lab technician who isn’t specifically trained to look for GI pathogens. In this sense, lab tests can be extremely inaccurate…to the extent that you can hand a lab a parasitic tapeworm and test negative for parasites and ova. It really is that bad.

My recommendation to anyone with IBS or even non-GI related mystery health ailments is to see an alternative or functional medicine doctor who is skilled at uncovering the root cause of the disease. If you’re like me, and you require ultra science in order to believe anything, you can still see a GI specialist in addition to a functional medicine doctor. There is no harm in tackling your health from all angles so that you gain a sharper understanding.

IBS Symptoms Can Be Caused By:

Gut Dysbiosis (a bacterial, fungal, yeast, or parasitic infection)

Stress and emotional trauma

Food intolerance

A vitamin/nutrient deficiency

Dehydration

Over-exercise

Is there a psychological and mindset component to IBS? Absolutely. Those who are chronically stressed or carry emotional trauma often have chronic gut issues. Chronic duress puts your body in a continuous compromised state where healing from physical ailments is challenging.

Here’s where things get tricky. What came first – the chicken or the egg? Is it the chronic stress that welcomes and harvests the infection? Or, is it the infection that causes the emotional and psychological stress?  

All this to say, IBS is often the result of an infection or food intolerance and is very much real. IBS can be a manifestation of emotional issues in the cases where patients convince themselves they have unwanted visitors when comprehensive lab results from a well-qualified doctor confirm there is no infection.

There is a known link between the state of your gut and the state of your mind. Information is passed from gut to brain stem through the vagus nerve. In this sense, those who have chronic gut issues often have low energy or depression, which can then affect behavior.

The goal of all lifeforms is to stay alive. The harmful bugs in your gut will send information to your brain, telling you what to feed them. This is why those with gut issues often need to go against their intuition when it comes to food – what their body is telling them is actually coming from the pathogenic visitors in their gut. Those with IBS or autoimmune disease (myself included) often yearn for sugar and carbs when the gut visitors are fighting to survive and thrive.

If you’re interested in this topic, listen to THIS PODCAST from Dr. Ruscio.

The best way of going about IBS is to see a doctor who is trained in discovering and treating harmful gut visitors in order to uncover the root source of the symptoms.

HORMONES AND GUT HEALTH

What is so interesting is hormonal imbalances and gut dysbiosis often work in tandem. Why? If your hormones aren’t working the way they should, you may be chronically constipated (even if you’re pooping every day!), which means you aren’t properly eliminating bad estrogen. When estrogen is reabsorbed in your body and your gut creates a breeding ground for bacterial, fungal, yeast, or mold overgrowth. Once your balance of hormones is thrown off, it is easy for a cycle of GI symptoms to perpetuate.

Women who make a point of balancing their hormones often find relief with GI symptoms. If you are a female who is experiencing GI issues, depression, anxiety, low energy, low libido, and/or skin issues, it is worth seeing an endocrinologist to have your hormones tested.

2.) SUGAR ALCOHOLS ARE “HEALTHIER” THAN REGULAR SUGAR:

The sugar alcohol industry has blown up in tandem with the keto diet. In theory, because there is no actual sugar in sugar alcohols, they should not feed gut bacteria, right? In theory, because there is no actual sugar in sugar alcohols, they shouldn’t raise your blood sugar, right? The real answer, like so many answers, is it depends on who you are.

Sugar alcohols can be one of the worst non-food foods you can put in your body if you have gut dysbiosis, and even if you have diabetes. And it isn’t the sugar (or lack thereof), it’s the composition of the food.

People who have a compromised gut lining or autoimmune condition have a difficult time properly breaking down sugar alcohols. Part of the sugar alcohol may be digested, whereas the indigestible portion putrefies in the already inflamed gut lining, thereby causing gas, bloating, diarrhea, or an autoimmune flare.

What I have found to be fascinating is although sugar alcohols are by design not supposed to raise your blood sugar, they can cause blood sugar spikes in those who have a difficult time processing them. I fall into this group of individuals. My blood sugar spikes when I consume sugar alcohols to the extent that I’m better off consuming raw organic cane sugar or pure maple syrup. 

Some folks do fine with specific types of zero-sugar sweeteners, trulia and stevia being two that have been generally accepted as somewhat okay for the majority of people without gut issues. Some folks find they have a sweet spot where they can consume a certain amount of any sugar alcohol but anything beyond that specific amount breaks a threshold and then they experience gas. Some people (like me) can’t touch any form of zero-sugar sweetener at all, period end.

I want to be clear: The sugar alcohol craze is not Keto’s fault. If you’re going to do keto, be sure you’re still making wise choices, like not over-doing it on dairy (which is highly inflammatory for many individuals) or leaning on non-nourishing non-food foods like sugar alcohols.

If you have a sensitive GI or suffer from chronic gut dysbiosis, do yourself a favor and stay away from sugar alcohols entirely. 

Want to learn more about sugar alcohols in general? I found this article from The Healthy Home Economist to be helpful.

3.) BANANAS. A CAUTIONARY TALE.

Bananas have been a recommended cure for stomach ache for decades. Some folks find a lot relief after eating a banana. In fact, with the right individual, bananas can help form healthier stools; however, with folks who suffer from constipation and gas (IBS-C), bananas can cause flares.

During the times my gut health is great, I can put ½ a banana in my smoothie and feel just fine. But if I’ve been eating other foods that are high in FODMAPs, I can’t get away with this. Bananas happen to be one of my biggest triggers of gas, so while unripe bananas are considered fine on a FODMAP elimination diet, I steer clear of them regardless when my GI is upset.

If you are sensitive to sugar or fructose specifically, it’s best to avoid the high sugar fruit like bananas, peaches, apples, etc.

4.) THE MORE FIBER THE BETTER

Those of you have IBS are always told to eat a ton of fiber. In theory, maybe! Fiber encourages water to enter the gut and adds bulk to the stool, both of which are helpful for regular digestion. But if you have gut dysbiosis (an imbalance of bad bacteria in your gut), even the healthiest forms of fiber will kick up IBS symptoms and can cause fatigue, gnarly gas and bloating.

Some folks are so sensitive to plant matter, in fact, that they eat a primarily carnivorous diet. In Robb Wolf’s podcasts with Amber O’Hearn, and Mikaila Peterson both ladies discuss how they found relief from autoimmune symptoms by eating an entirely plant-free diet.

Fiber feeds both good bacteria and bad bacteria. If you have bacterial overgrowth, be mindful about the amount and type of fiber you consume so that you aren’t giving the bad bacteria the upper hand. You’re aiming for Low-FODMAP sources of fiber, and even still make sure you limit the amount you eat. I find too much fiber, particularly on an empty stomach, can cause gas for me.

In the last decade or so, there has been an uptick in folks who experience IBS symptoms who have transitioned to a Paleo Diet. Why? When you eat Paleo, you by default consume more plant matter, including high-FODMAP vegetables. While most people feel amazing on a Paleo diet, some folks (myself included) must stick with the lower FODMAP whole foods to keep their gut bugs under control.

During the times you’re going through an IBS flare, you may find some relief if you avoid eating raw vegetables. Instead, go for bone broth and Low-FODMAP cooked vegetables, like zucchini, carrots and spaghetti squash. Because they are tough and fibrous, raw vegetables irritate your gut lining and can worsen your symptoms.

Cruciferous vegetables like cauliflower, brussels sprouts, and kale, are highly fermentable, so it is best to avoid them. When going through a flare, aim for soft, bland foods. Think steamed or sauteed or steamed Low-FODMAP veggies, or a brothy soup.

When I have a flare, I make soup with chicken bone broth, chicken, white rice, carrots, and zucchini. That’s it – no onions, garlic, or celery. I love the way it tastes and it seems to soothe my GI every time.

5.) CELERY JUICE CURES ALL WOES

Hard no.

If you’re experiencing IBS symptoms and you read an article that suggests celery juice is the alpha omega for good digestion and stellar health and longevity, HALT! Proceed with caution. Celery is one of the highest FODMAP vegetables and for many people causes IBS flares. Sure, the juiced version removes the fiber, but the basic fermentable carbohydrate remains.

The worst IBS symptoms I have ever experienced came after drinking celery juice. I, too, read the research, thought celery juice would cure me of all my woes, dove in head-first, drank my 16 ounces, and proceeded to have the worst gas of my life. Seriously, people…I wanted to escape my body. Giving the celery juice the benefit of the doubt, I tried again on multiple occasions in lower amounts with the same result.

If you have IBS and want to try it, go for it…just please do me a solid and test it first by drinking 6 ounces instead of the recommended 16. If you feel incredible, up the ante to maybe 10 ounces and go from there. You don’t need to go balls deep in celery juice just because the rest of the interweb is.

6.) ALL GRAINS ARE ALL THE BAD

Some people have a strong digestive aversion to all grains. Some folks tolerate specific grains, some folks can pound basically all the grains ever and feel like the champion of the universe. Grains are arguably the most controversial and also highly individualistic food groups.

Not all grains are created equally, not all grains are high in FODMAPs, and not all people react adversely to grains.

I find white rice or sprouted brown rice to be completely fine with my digestive system. If I eat too much rice, of course I’ll see the same response anyone would after eating too much carbohydrate (water retention, puffiness, brain fog).

A little rice actually seems to help my digestive system move things along due to the resistant starch. I am sensitive to all potatoes, including sweet potatoes, so rice is my choice source for starch and carbohydrate.

Learn more about rice in my recent blog post, Is Rice Paleo?. I discuss the difference between white and brown rice, how your body processes it, and who rice may be ideal for versus who should avoid it.

In my cookbook, Paleo Power Bowls, I include recipes that contain (queue scary horror flick music: rice). I was concerned about doing so, because some paleo  purists say ALL GRAINS should be avoided ALWAYS. In my personal experience, rice can be very nourishing when prepared properly. But that is me.

In general, most grains (particularly gluten-containing grains) should be avoided by those who have IBS, IBD, or other autoimmune disease. And not necessarily because of the gluten! For some who have a wheat sensitivity, the sensitivity is not with the gluten (protein) it is with the type of carbohydrate. I fall into this category, as my digestive issues are exacerbated by food that are high in FODMAPs.

To summarize, not all grains are created equally, and which grains work for you is a matter of your unique DNA and gut microbiome.

7.) THE MORE EXERCISE THE BETTER

Should everyone, including folks with IBS prioritize exercise? Absolutely! I highly, highly recommend you get some form of exercise daily, even if it’s just a 20-30 minute walk. Exercise increases your body’s mitochondria and also enhances mitochondrial function. Mitochondria transforms food energy into cellular energy, thereby improving your body’s ability to produce energy.

This not only makes you feel your best but also increases your energy level, decreases your body’s inflammation, decreases your brain fog, increases your lifespan (so long as you aren’t an ultra athlete), detoxifies your body, and so so much more.

Where I caution you with exercise, is if you have an obsessive personality like me, and tend to exercise too vigorously. Continuous vigorous exercise in and of itself can cause IBS symptoms. Like all things in life, work smarter, not harder.

If you exercise too much, your body is in fight or flight mode and isn’t able to put energy toward healing your GI. In addition, if you sweat profusely regularly, you may be depleting your body of electrolytes, causing dehydration, which in turn can cause constipation. So make sure you’re getting adequate sodium, magnesium and potassium, and drinking enough water.

Find your sweet spot. Blood flow is important. Over-exercising can lead to chronic stress on your body, which prohibits it from healing. The goal is to stress your body out just enough to where the proper signals are being transmitted to heal and repair.

If your body is already fighting a condition, you don’t want to be in a state of constant damage where your body can’t keep up with the amount of chronic stress you give it.

8.) YOU SHOULDN’T EAT A LOW-FODMAP DIET LONG-TERM

I can’t even begin to tell you how much anxiety this one has caused me in the past 6 months. I have read article after article and listened to podcast after podcast that purported a Low-FODMAP diet should not be your long-term solution to alleviating IBS symptoms.

To make a very long story short, you can breathe easy, because it is fine to eat a Low-FODMAP diet long-term. 

And here’s why.

The concern about eating a limited diet is in turn having a limited gut microbiome. The thought is you want your gut microbiome to be as diverse as possible. YOU GUYS, THIS IS TRICKY.

On the one hand, it is important for your gut to be colonized with a wide array of bacteria (this is why you should take a probiotic that is rich in many, many types of good bacteria, not just one or a few strains). HOWEVER, on the other hand, you can have an incredibly diverse gut microbiome and still suffer from health issues, AND you can have an incredibly diverse gut microbiome and eat an incredibly limited diet.

I had a conversation with Robb Wolf on this topic, and the two biggest takeaways were 1.) Some of the healthiest tribes in the world eat very little variety, and yet their longevity is through the roof and they’re largely disease-free. and 2.) Folks with celiac disease have very diverse gut microbiomes, and yet: they’re celiac.

In addition, during a recent visit to my GI doctor, I asked if eating a low-FODMAP diet long term would cause problems for me and the answer was absolutely not. There is no problem with avoiding foods that cause fermentation in your gut, which causes IBS symptoms.

Again, refer back to the two ladies I mentioned earlier who eat a carnivore diet and yet have superb blood work.

To summarize: It is perfectly fine to eat a Low-FODMAP diet long-term, and it is perfectly fine to eat a diet that is low in variety. The things you want to pay attention to are they way you feel and your blood work.

9.) NUTS, SEEDS AND INFLAMMATION

In theory, nuts and seeds are very nutrient dense. They contain protein, healthy fat, and minerals. The trouble is, the phytates and lectins in nuts and seeds (which are designed to protect them through digestion so that they can continue to thrive when pooped out) make them very difficult to digest.

Those whose digestive systems are ironclad may not notice any belly upset, but those who have a damaged GI (leaky gut) will notice pain and inflammation when they eat nuts or seeds above a certain amount.

All flours, including gluten-free and grain-free flours can be particularly tough on those who have compromised gut lining. Flours can irritate an already inflamed lining and can also seep through the intestinal wall in those with leaky gut. Those who have digestive issues will find some relief when they avoid all forms of flour. Additionally, those with autoimmune disease may find less inflammation or flares when they limit their intake of nuts and seeds.

In general, if you’re going to make nuts and seeds a regular part of your diet, it is best to sprout them first. The sprouting process removes most of the phytates and lectins and makes the nutrients more bioavailable.

10.) CALORIC INTAKE, FASTING, AND A WORLD OF “SHOULDS”

For decades, a 2,000 calorie diet with 3 meals a day has been what is considered “normal” and recommended in the healthcare community. This isn’t just an IBS myth, it’s an overall myth. Everyone’s caloric needs are different, just as everyone’s macro needs are different. Bodybuilders need upwards of 5,000 calories per day. Someone like me needs closer to 1,500.

Similarly, intermittent fasting can be incredibly healing for those with gut issues (it is a regular part of my gut health practice), but does not bode well with everyone, and also may be something you can only do – well – intermittently.

Don’t glue yourself to intermittent fasting if your body is screaming at you. Don’t feel like you HAVE to eat when you aren’t hungry.

Suffice it to say, there is a large disparity in the way of caloric and macronutrient requirements. Both overeating and chronic under-eating can cause digestive issues. The key is to pay attention to your body’s changing needs and not try to out-smart it. 

In a society where people are constantly feeling anxiety about food and are micromanaging their diet and bodies, there are two sides to the Volume of Food Consumption coin. Those who believe they need to constantly under-eat in order to be a valuable human, and those who constantly eat too much because they worry if they don’t eat enough they will be seen as having an eating disorder.

Remember to fuck the noise and find a sustainable lifestyle that works for you. My humble opinion is the worst thing the wellness community does for people who have a “healthy relationship with food,” is turn healthy behavior into neurotic behavior.

Stay true to yourself…all opinions be damned…including your own.

Intuitive Eating

I discuss Intuitive Eating at length in my cookbook, Paleo Power Bowls, but I thought it appropriate to touch on it here.

The concept of intuitive eating and food freedom has become the new buzz over the last couple of years. Should you listen to your body? YES! However, most people must eliminate processed foods (primarily refined high carbohydrate food and sugar) before the gut can send accurate signaling to the brain.

As mentioned before, sugar and carbohydrate feed gut bacteria, which are vying for survival. Not to mention, sugar is one of the most addictive substances on the planet. Without healing your gut and ridding your body of reliance on sugar, your body’s intuition becomes skewed.

The great news is your body is incredibly smart. Once addictive and inflammatory foods are eliminated, your body does really know what it needs. I can’t stress the importance of forging your own path when it comes to diet, exercise, and wellness. Your health and wellbeing lifestyle will look entirely different from most people you know, because everyone’s wellness path looks different.

In Conclusion…

I hope this helps! Trust your instincts. Do your research, listen to the qualified voices. Build your team of healthcare professionals who are constantly researching and adapting their treatment plans according to good science. At the end of the day, only make changes when they are right for you.

xo

Source: https://www.theroastedroot.net/10-common-ibs-myths/

[fuelyogurt6-blog]

10 Common IBS Myths

In this article, I discuss 10 myths that have been popularized in the media that pertain to your gut health. Get cozy folks, this one’s another long one.

Throughout my experience with IBS, I have come across some information that when put into practice alleviated, worsened, or had no effect on my symptoms. In my post My Journey with Gut Health, I discuss some of the diet and lifestyle choices I employ to manage my IBS symptoms.

I thought I would take a moment to dispel some common misconceptions about IBS that I see floating around the internet. Hopefully doing so will save some of you some time and pain. The biggest takeaways I hope you get from this post is you aren’t alone, it’s likely not all in your head, and you don’t have to live with IBS forever.

Before we start, please do keep in mind I have no medical training or formal background in nutrition. Everything I share is based on podcasts or articles I have read by qualified professionals, and my own experience.

Always proceed with caution when making any change to your diet or lifestyle. The last thing you need is to go down a rabbit hole from which emergence is difficult.

Let’s get in there. Here are 10 IBS Myths worth debunking.

1.) IBS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD

Many doctors in the Western medicine field have reacted to the SIBO and Candida craze with the same opposing force with the opinion that IBS is a made up illness by those who need attention. For some people, maybe.

The consensus in the alternative healthcare field (and is becoming more widely accepted in the Western medicine world) is IBS often stems from a bacterial, mold, yeast, fungal, or parasitic infection. It can also be caused by food intolerance or stress (we’ll get to that in a second), but in many cases where symptoms are chronic, the root cause of the issue is an infection.

The exact type of infection can be difficult to pin down and they can also be difficult to treat depending on the source and severity of the infection. The best way to go about treating IBS is to go to a doctor who specializes in gut health and focuses on discovering and treating the bugs causing the symptoms.

While Western doctors do use some lab tests to test for various types of bacteria, yeast, fungus, and parasites, the tests used don’t cover a whole spectrum of pathogens. In addition, the sample often falls in the hands of a lab technician who isn’t specifically trained to look for GI pathogens. In this sense, lab tests can be extremely inaccurate…to the extent that you can hand a lab a parasitic tapeworm and test negative for parasites and ova. It really is that bad.

My recommendation to anyone with IBS or even non-GI related mystery health ailments is to see an alternative or functional medicine doctor who is skilled at uncovering the root cause of the disease. If you’re like me, and you require ultra science in order to believe anything, you can still see a GI specialist in addition to a functional medicine doctor. There is no harm in tackling your health from all angles so that you gain a sharper understanding.

IBS Symptoms Can Be Caused By:

Gut Dysbiosis (a bacterial, fungal, yeast, or parasitic infection)

Stress and emotional trauma

Food intolerance

A vitamin/nutrient deficiency

Dehydration

Over-exercise

Is there a psychological and mindset component to IBS? Absolutely. Those who are chronically stressed or carry emotional trauma often have chronic gut issues. Chronic duress puts your body in a continuous compromised state where healing from physical ailments is challenging.

Here’s where things get tricky. What came first – the chicken or the egg? Is it the chronic stress that welcomes and harvests the infection? Or, is it the infection that causes the emotional and psychological stress?  

All this to say, IBS is often the result of an infection or food intolerance and is very much real. IBS can be a manifestation of emotional issues in the cases where patients convince themselves they have unwanted visitors when comprehensive lab results from a well-qualified doctor confirm there is no infection.

There is a known link between the state of your gut and the state of your mind. Information is passed from gut to brain stem through the vagus nerve. In this sense, those who have chronic gut issues often have low energy or depression, which can then affect behavior.

The goal of all lifeforms is to stay alive. The harmful bugs in your gut will send information to your brain, telling you what to feed them. This is why those with gut issues often need to go against their intuition when it comes to food – what their body is telling them is actually coming from the pathogenic visitors in their gut. Those with IBS or autoimmune disease (myself included) often yearn for sugar and carbs when the gut visitors are fighting to survive and thrive.

If you’re interested in this topic, listen to THIS PODCAST from Dr. Ruscio.

The best way of going about IBS is to see a doctor who is trained in discovering and treating harmful gut visitors in order to uncover the root source of the symptoms.

HORMONES AND GUT HEALTH

What is so interesting is hormonal imbalances and gut dysbiosis often work in tandem. Why? If your hormones aren’t working the way they should, you may be chronically constipated (even if you’re pooping every day!), which means you aren’t properly eliminating bad estrogen. When estrogen is reabsorbed in your body and your gut creates a breeding ground for bacterial, fungal, yeast, or mold overgrowth. Once your balance of hormones is thrown off, it is easy for a cycle of GI symptoms to perpetuate.

Women who make a point of balancing their hormones often find relief with GI symptoms. If you are a female who is experiencing GI issues, depression, anxiety, low energy, low libido, and/or skin issues, it is worth seeing an endocrinologist to have your hormones tested.

2.) SUGAR ALCOHOLS ARE “HEALTHIER” THAN REGULAR SUGAR:

The sugar alcohol industry has blown up in tandem with the keto diet. In theory, because there is no actual sugar in sugar alcohols, they should not feed gut bacteria, right? In theory, because there is no actual sugar in sugar alcohols, they shouldn’t raise your blood sugar, right? The real answer, like so many answers, is it depends on who you are.

Sugar alcohols can be one of the worst non-food foods you can put in your body if you have gut dysbiosis, and even if you have diabetes. And it isn’t the sugar (or lack thereof), it’s the composition of the food.

People who have a compromised gut lining or autoimmune condition have a difficult time properly breaking down sugar alcohols. Part of the sugar alcohol may be digested, whereas the indigestible portion putrefies in the already inflamed gut lining, thereby causing gas, bloating, diarrhea, or an autoimmune flare.

What I have found to be fascinating is although sugar alcohols are by design not supposed to raise your blood sugar, they can cause blood sugar spikes in those who have a difficult time processing them. I fall into this group of individuals. My blood sugar spikes when I consume sugar alcohols to the extent that I’m better off consuming raw organic cane sugar or pure maple syrup. 

Some folks do fine with specific types of zero-sugar sweeteners, trulia and stevia being two that have been generally accepted as somewhat okay for the majority of people without gut issues. Some folks find they have a sweet spot where they can consume a certain amount of any sugar alcohol but anything beyond that specific amount breaks a threshold and then they experience gas. Some people (like me) can’t touch any form of zero-sugar sweetener at all, period end.

I want to be clear: The sugar alcohol craze is not Keto’s fault. If you’re going to do keto, be sure you’re still making wise choices, like not over-doing it on dairy (which is highly inflammatory for many individuals) or leaning on non-nourishing non-food foods like sugar alcohols.

If you have a sensitive GI or suffer from chronic gut dysbiosis, do yourself a favor and stay away from sugar alcohols entirely. 

Want to learn more about sugar alcohols in general? I found this article from The Healthy Home Economist to be helpful.

3.) BANANAS. A CAUTIONARY TALE.

Bananas have been a recommended cure for stomach ache for decades. Some folks find a lot relief after eating a banana. In fact, with the right individual, bananas can help form healthier stools; however, with folks who suffer from constipation and gas (IBS-C), bananas can cause flares.

During the times my gut health is great, I can put ½ a banana in my smoothie and feel just fine. But if I’ve been eating other foods that are high in FODMAPs, I can’t get away with this. Bananas happen to be one of my biggest triggers of gas, so while unripe bananas are considered fine on a FODMAP elimination diet, I steer clear of them regardless when my GI is upset.

If you are sensitive to sugar or fructose specifically, it’s best to avoid the high sugar fruit like bananas, peaches, apples, etc.

4.) THE MORE FIBER THE BETTER

Those of you have IBS are always told to eat a ton of fiber. In theory, maybe! Fiber encourages water to enter the gut and adds bulk to the stool, both of which are helpful for regular digestion. But if you have gut dysbiosis (an imbalance of bad bacteria in your gut), even the healthiest forms of fiber will kick up IBS symptoms and can cause fatigue, gnarly gas and bloating.

Some folks are so sensitive to plant matter, in fact, that they eat a primarily carnivorous diet. In Robb Wolf’s podcasts with Amber O’Hearn, and Mikaila Peterson both ladies discuss how they found relief from autoimmune symptoms by eating an entirely plant-free diet.

Fiber feeds both good bacteria and bad bacteria. If you have bacterial overgrowth, be mindful about the amount and type of fiber you consume so that you aren’t giving the bad bacteria the upper hand. You’re aiming for Low-FODMAP sources of fiber, and even still make sure you limit the amount you eat. I find too much fiber, particularly on an empty stomach, can cause gas for me.

In the last decade or so, there has been an uptick in folks who experience IBS symptoms who have transitioned to a Paleo Diet. Why? When you eat Paleo, you by default consume more plant matter, including high-FODMAP vegetables. While most people feel amazing on a Paleo diet, some folks (myself included) must stick with the lower FODMAP whole foods to keep their gut bugs under control.

During the times you’re going through an IBS flare, you may find some relief if you avoid eating raw vegetables. Instead, go for bone broth and Low-FODMAP cooked vegetables, like zucchini, carrots and spaghetti squash. Because they are tough and fibrous, raw vegetables irritate your gut lining and can worsen your symptoms.

Cruciferous vegetables like cauliflower, brussels sprouts, and kale, are highly fermentable, so it is best to avoid them. When going through a flare, aim for soft, bland foods. Think steamed or sauteed or steamed Low-FODMAP veggies, or a brothy soup.

When I have a flare, I make soup with chicken bone broth, chicken, white rice, carrots, and zucchini. That’s it – no onions, garlic, or celery. I love the way it tastes and it seems to soothe my GI every time.

5.) CELERY JUICE CURES ALL WOES

Hard no.

If you’re experiencing IBS symptoms and you read an article that suggests celery juice is the alpha omega for good digestion and stellar health and longevity, HALT! Proceed with caution. Celery is one of the highest FODMAP vegetables and for many people causes IBS flares. Sure, the juiced version removes the fiber, but the basic fermentable carbohydrate remains.

The worst IBS symptoms I have ever experienced came after drinking celery juice. I, too, read the research, thought celery juice would cure me of all my woes, dove in head-first, drank my 16 ounces, and proceeded to have the worst gas of my life. Seriously, people…I wanted to escape my body. Giving the celery juice the benefit of the doubt, I tried again on multiple occasions in lower amounts with the same result.

If you have IBS and want to try it, go for it…just please do me a solid and test it first by drinking 6 ounces instead of the recommended 16. If you feel incredible, up the ante to maybe 10 ounces and go from there. You don’t need to go balls deep in celery juice just because the rest of the interweb is.

6.) ALL GRAINS ARE ALL THE BAD

Some people have a strong digestive aversion to all grains. Some folks tolerate specific grains, some folks can pound basically all the grains ever and feel like the champion of the universe. Grains are arguably the most controversial and also highly individualistic food groups.

Not all grains are created equally, not all grains are high in FODMAPs, and not all people react adversely to grains.

I find white rice or sprouted brown rice to be completely fine with my digestive system. If I eat too much rice, of course I’ll see the same response anyone would after eating too much carbohydrate (water retention, puffiness, brain fog).

A little rice actually seems to help my digestive system move things along due to the resistant starch. I am sensitive to all potatoes, including sweet potatoes, so rice is my choice source for starch and carbohydrate.

Learn more about rice in my recent blog post, Is Rice Paleo?. I discuss the difference between white and brown rice, how your body processes it, and who rice may be ideal for versus who should avoid it.

In my cookbook, Paleo Power Bowls, I include recipes that contain (queue scary horror flick music: rice). I was concerned about doing so, because some paleo  purists say ALL GRAINS should be avoided ALWAYS. In my personal experience, rice can be very nourishing when prepared properly. But that is me.

In general, most grains (particularly gluten-containing grains) should be avoided by those who have IBS, IBD, or other autoimmune disease. And not necessarily because of the gluten! For some who have a wheat sensitivity, the sensitivity is not with the gluten (protein) it is with the type of carbohydrate. I fall into this category, as my digestive issues are exacerbated by food that are high in FODMAPs.

To summarize, not all grains are created equally, and which grains work for you is a matter of your unique DNA and gut microbiome.

7.) THE MORE EXERCISE THE BETTER

Should everyone, including folks with IBS prioritize exercise? Absolutely! I highly, highly recommend you get some form of exercise daily, even if it’s just a 20-30 minute walk. Exercise increases your body’s mitochondria and also enhances mitochondrial function. Mitochondria transforms food energy into cellular energy, thereby improving your body’s ability to produce energy.

This not only makes you feel your best but also increases your energy level, decreases your body’s inflammation, decreases your brain fog, increases your lifespan (so long as you aren’t an ultra athlete), detoxifies your body, and so so much more.

Where I caution you with exercise, is if you have an obsessive personality like me, and tend to exercise too vigorously. Continuous vigorous exercise in and of itself can cause IBS symptoms. Like all things in life, work smarter, not harder.

If you exercise too much, your body is in fight or flight mode and isn’t able to put energy toward healing your GI. In addition, if you sweat profusely regularly, you may be depleting your body of electrolytes, causing dehydration, which in turn can cause constipation. So make sure you’re getting adequate sodium, magnesium and potassium, and drinking enough water.

Find your sweet spot. Blood flow is important. Over-exercising can lead to chronic stress on your body, which prohibits it from healing. The goal is to stress your body out just enough to where the proper signals are being transmitted to heal and repair.

If your body is already fighting a condition, you don’t want to be in a state of constant damage where your body can’t keep up with the amount of chronic stress you give it.

8.) YOU SHOULDN’T EAT A LOW-FODMAP DIET LONG-TERM

I can’t even begin to tell you how much anxiety this one has caused me in the past 6 months. I have read article after article and listened to podcast after podcast that purported a Low-FODMAP diet should not be your long-term solution to alleviating IBS symptoms.

To make a very long story short, you can breathe easy, because it is fine to eat a Low-FODMAP diet long-term. 

And here’s why.

The concern about eating a limited diet is in turn having a limited gut microbiome. The thought is you want your gut microbiome to be as diverse as possible. YOU GUYS, THIS IS TRICKY.

On the one hand, it is important for your gut to be colonized with a wide array of bacteria (this is why you should take a probiotic that is rich in many, many types of good bacteria, not just one or a few strains). HOWEVER, on the other hand, you can have an incredibly diverse gut microbiome and still suffer from health issues, AND you can have an incredibly diverse gut microbiome and eat an incredibly limited diet.

I had a conversation with Robb Wolf on this topic, and the two biggest takeaways were 1.) Some of the healthiest tribes in the world eat very little variety, and yet their longevity is through the roof and they’re largely disease-free. and 2.) Folks with celiac disease have very diverse gut microbiomes, and yet: they’re celiac.

In addition, during a recent visit to my GI doctor, I asked if eating a low-FODMAP diet long term would cause problems for me and the answer was absolutely not. There is no problem with avoiding foods that cause fermentation in your gut, which causes IBS symptoms.

Again, refer back to the two ladies I mentioned earlier who eat a carnivore diet and yet have superb blood work.

To summarize: It is perfectly fine to eat a Low-FODMAP diet long-term, and it is perfectly fine to eat a diet that is low in variety. The things you want to pay attention to are they way you feel and your blood work.

9.) NUTS, SEEDS AND INFLAMMATION

In theory, nuts and seeds are very nutrient dense. They contain protein, healthy fat, and minerals. The trouble is, the phytates and lectins in nuts and seeds (which are designed to protect them through digestion so that they can continue to thrive when pooped out) make them very difficult to digest.

Those whose digestive systems are ironclad may not notice any belly upset, but those who have a damaged GI (leaky gut) will notice pain and inflammation when they eat nuts or seeds above a certain amount.

All flours, including gluten-free and grain-free flours can be particularly tough on those who have compromised gut lining. Flours can irritate an already inflamed lining and can also seep through the intestinal wall in those with leaky gut. Those who have digestive issues will find some relief when they avoid all forms of flour. Additionally, those with autoimmune disease may find less inflammation or flares when they limit their intake of nuts and seeds.

In general, if you’re going to make nuts and seeds a regular part of your diet, it is best to sprout them first. The sprouting process removes most of the phytates and lectins and makes the nutrients more bioavailable.

10.) CALORIC INTAKE, FASTING, AND A WORLD OF “SHOULDS”

For decades, a 2,000 calorie diet with 3 meals a day has been what is considered “normal” and recommended in the healthcare community. This isn’t just an IBS myth, it’s an overall myth. Everyone’s caloric needs are different, just as everyone’s macro needs are different. Bodybuilders need upwards of 5,000 calories per day. Someone like me needs closer to 1,500.

Similarly, intermittent fasting can be incredibly healing for those with gut issues (it is a regular part of my gut health practice), but does not bode well with everyone, and also may be something you can only do – well – intermittently.

Don’t glue yourself to intermittent fasting if your body is screaming at you. Don’t feel like you HAVE to eat when you aren’t hungry.

Suffice it to say, there is a large disparity in the way of caloric and macronutrient requirements. Both overeating and chronic under-eating can cause digestive issues. The key is to pay attention to your body’s changing needs and not try to out-smart it. 

In a society where people are constantly feeling anxiety about food and are micromanaging their diet and bodies, there are two sides to the Volume of Food Consumption coin. Those who believe they need to constantly under-eat in order to be a valuable human, and those who constantly eat too much because they worry if they don’t eat enough they will be seen as having an eating disorder.

Remember to fuck the noise and find a sustainable lifestyle that works for you. My humble opinion is the worst thing the wellness community does for people who have a “healthy relationship with food,” is turn healthy behavior into neurotic behavior.

Stay true to yourself…all opinions be damned…including your own.

Intuitive Eating

I discuss Intuitive Eating at length in my cookbook, Paleo Power Bowls, but I thought it appropriate to touch on it here.

The concept of intuitive eating and food freedom has become the new buzz over the last couple of years. Should you listen to your body? YES! However, most people must eliminate processed foods (primarily refined high carbohydrate food and sugar) before the gut can send accurate signaling to the brain.

As mentioned before, sugar and carbohydrate feed gut bacteria, which are vying for survival. Not to mention, sugar is one of the most addictive substances on the planet. Without healing your gut and ridding your body of reliance on sugar, your body’s intuition becomes skewed.

The great news is your body is incredibly smart. Once addictive and inflammatory foods are eliminated, your body does really know what it needs. I can’t stress the importance of forging your own path when it comes to diet, exercise, and wellness. Your health and wellbeing lifestyle will look entirely different from most people you know, because everyone’s wellness path looks different.

In Conclusion…

I hope this helps! Trust your instincts. Do your research, listen to the qualified voices. Build your team of healthcare professionals who are constantly researching and adapting their treatment plans according to good science. At the end of the day, only make changes when they are right for you.

xo

Source: https://www.theroastedroot.net/10-common-ibs-myths/

[c-valentino]

Have a Kevin of the Day - Day Three

– The Day Kevin dragged them to the pool Day 3 Kandreil Verse

It was getting too cold to run outside. At least Kevin thought so. Neil, on the other hand, insisted on going for his runs every day, even though it had snowed for the last three.

“Why don’t you come with me instead?” Kevin asked during dinner. He had switched to swimming recently. It was great cardio. His two boyfriends seemed reluctant to join him though. Andrew not so much maybe, but the goalkeeper had fallen into line behind Neal as their partner had refused to go. Now Andrew was giving Kevin a look across the table as the striker was pushing the topic again.

Neil looked up from his plate, swallowed and frowned. “I like running.”

“I know you do. But it’s freezing outside and I don’t want you to get hurt. At least run at the gym.” Neil didn’t like treadmills, and Kevin had to agree that there were biomechanical differences that made treadmills less effective than running outdoors.

“I’ll be fine,” Neil mumbled and Andrew sat his fork down.

“Do you hate swimming or something?” Kevin wouldn’t let it go.

“I don’t,” Neil answered at length, and they could all hear that there was more to it but the young man wouldn’t elaborate on it.  

“Then I don’t get it,” Kevin said.

“Clearly, you don’t,” Andrew agreed for the first time during this conversation. Kevin shrugged and raised his chin at the shorter man.

“But you do?” he challenged. He hated the feeling he got when Neil and Andrew seemed to understand each other without words. It made him feel left out, and worse, it made him feel like he lacked the understanding those two had of each other. Like it was his fault. That usually applied more to situations with Andrew, since the goalkeeper still had a lot of issues, and Neil always managed to establish a line of communication with their blonde boyfriend —more often times than not non-verbally.

“Since I have more than Exy on my mind,” Andrew shot back, clearly trying to antagonize Kevin, maybe to redirect the attention away from Neil, but obviously at the cost of picking a fight with the taller man. Neil looked between the two and sighed. He hated when they fought because of him.

“There are too many people at the pool,” he explained. Kevin’s thoughts came to a screeching halt, like always when he had missed something that seemed to be painfully obvious to begin with. Dammit, he thought. Fuck, I’m stupid. It happened sometimes. He had gotten used to Neil being comfortable around the two of them. Just because the young man was fine showing himself to them or the team now didn’t mean he had gotten over his issues with exposure. All Kevin had thought about were the benefits of working out in a safe environment during the harshest days of winter. ‘Exy brain’ Andrew called it.

“I see,” he replied, a little ashamed, “Sorry.” Neil just shook his head and shrugged, declaring the debate for ended.

Having a one track mind came with its advantages too. “I’ll take you two to the pool tonight,” Kevin declared a couple days later at breakfast.

“Kevin,” Andrew said warningly.

“After it’s closed,” the striker elaborated, and the other two looked questioningly at him. “I know a guy who knows a guy…” Kevin shrugged but then came clean, “Okay, Coach knows the owner. Happy now?” Couldn’t they let him be the hero of the story for once? “They’ll let us in and we lock up afterwards.” He couldn’t tell what exactly flashed across Neil’s face at that moment, it happened too fast and then the auburn haired man was hugging him, standing on tiptoes and mumbling,

“Thanks” into his neck. Kevin automatically put his arms around him and looked at Andrew over Neil’s shoulder. The short goalkeeper had those little dimples showing that indicated the beginning of a smile that never reached its full potential on Andrew’s lips. It always caused Kevin to smile in return, a little bashfully now.

The pool at night was a strange place. They had it all for themselves. Kevin had come during the day for nearly two weeks now. His life revolved around sports, mainly Exy, and he was fine with that. His time as a professional athlete was limited and he intended to make the most of it. He liked spending his time with his two partners though, and doing that while playing Exy or training was one of the best things in his opinion. Didn’t mean he couldn’t also have fun with them.

“No, no you won’t,” Neil chuckled and tried to defend himself against the much taller man who came after him in the pool, managed to grab him, lift him, and throw him a few feet through the air, causing Neil to shout. Kevin liked being the tallest of the three of them. It came with some advantages.

He turned and looked at Andrew, who arched an eyebrow at him. The shorter man wouldn’t allow such treatment, no matter how playful the mood was getting. Kevin just shrugged at him and smiled, then dove under and swam across the pool to come up in front of the goalkeeper, who leaned against the edge to observe his two partners. Kevin wiped the wet hair out of his face and put his hands on either side of Andrew.

“Hey there.”

“What?” Always the suspicious one, Kevin thought.

“Nothing. Just checking on you.” It was strange seeing Andrew like this, wearing swim-shorts, nothing else; as strange as it was seeing Neil like this. Stranger than seeing them naked, Kevin realized. But it was only the three of them here right now.

“Well, don’t,” Andrew rebuked him.

“Alright,” Kevin agreed, leaned down and waited, their lips almost touching. He left it up to Andrew to close the gap and the blonde did. Kevin smiled into the kiss, and when Andrew felt it, he grabbed the taller man by the wet hair with both hands and pushed him under. Kevin went with it, took a step back and reemerged still smiling. He turned around then, reaching behind himself over his shoulders. “Hands,” he demanded of the goalkeeper.

“Yeah, right,” Andrew scoffed. “A knife in the back is what you can get.”

“You are not wearing any. C’mon, hands.” He waited and waited some more until Andrew sighed.

“What are you doing?” Hesitantly, Andrew took one of Kevin’s hands, then the other.

“Just hold on,” the taller man told him, submerged in front of his boyfriend and tugged, then again, holding his breath until he managed to get Andrew to put one leg over his shoulder. He nudged the other one with his elbow until Andrew finally gave in and climbed onto his shoulders, hands gripping Kevin’s and the striker stood up again, lifting Andrew out of the chest-deep water.

“Put me down, idiot,” Andrew grumbled, hands clutching Kevin’s, feet tugged behind his partner’s back to keep his balance.

“Why? I like being between your legs.”

“I’ll drown you.”

“Dammit, if Matt were here, we could have a match!” Neil exclaimed when he saw them.

“Next time!” Kevin promised.

“There will be no next time,” Andrew growled.

“You are just afraid you’d lose!” Neil waved him off and came over to them.

“We wouldn’t,” Kevin claimed confidently.

“Why does everything have to be a competition with you two? Now put me down.”

“Fine,” Kevin sighed and simply shrugged Andrew off, letting go of his hands. The goalkeeper went under with a splash.

“Next time,” Neil insisted, it was already a challenge. Kevin nodded.

“So,” he looked at the other two. Andrew shook the water out of his hair like a dog and glared. “Race you?”

“Only if we swim free and you don’t,” Neil said and crossed his arms. Kevin was the better swimmer and Neil and Andrew had not been at the pool in quite a while.

“Fine,” the striker agreed. Andrew didn’t seem too thrilled about it but humored them anyway. They raced for two lengths, Kevin showing off by swimming butterfly and still beating them. He had been practicing for the last two weeks, but he didn’t tell them.

“Teach me,” Neil demanded of him afterwards, and so Kevin did, having both Andrew’s and Neil’s eyes on him while he demonstrated how to do it.

“Everything comes naturally to him. He makes it look so easy,” Neil observed standing next to Andrew.

“Only sports,” Andrew disagreed. “Sometimes I think he is a little bit challenged in other departments.” He got an elbow to the ribs for that one but pretended to not have noticed. “And sex,” he added belatedly, and Neil hummed in agreement this time.

While Neil practiced and Andrew swam a few lengths of his own, Kevin gave the backliner a few suggestions on how to improve his form. He did it in his usual way, a little too over-confident, arrogance coloring his voice, but Neil had long ago come to understand that this was Kevin’s teaching mode; zero-tolerance, no excuses, nothing less than everything you got, and he was fine with that. It was what Kevin expected of himself after all.

They made it a regular thing. As long as the weather didn’t improve, the three of them went to the pool.

“What a show-off,” Andrew said evenly while he sat next to Neil on the edge, both taking a break. He wanted a cigarette, but instead they were watching Kevin jumping off the diving platform for the third time. In truth he didn’t mind watching Kevin and neither did Neil.

“Yes, but he is our show-off,” the backliner agreed. He too had jumped a few times. Not from the highest platform, but he had added a few somersaults. “Besides, you are the one to talk.” They had found out that Andrew was the one who could dive the farthest of them all, being able to hold his breath the longest, and Neil and Kevin had agreed that that was a fucking miracle since Andrew was the only smoker. They watched Kevin perform a triple backflip that ended in a big splash.

“3.9 Day. That entry was disastrous,” Andrew mocked. Kevin just grinned at him and flipped him off. He was already on his way to try again. “That endless energy,” Andrew sighed, “it’s tiring just watching him sometimes.”

“You were like that when I first met you,” Neil reminded him.

“Drugs don’t count.”

“Maybe, but I still can’t complain about your stamina.” The backliner grinned and Andrew raised an eyebrow at him.

“Does your mind always stay in the gutter?”

“You like it,” Neil claimed and pushed off the edge to swim a few more lengths. “Kevin!” he called. “Come over here and show me again!” The striker waved at him and jumped off the platform, botching the entry once more. He joined Neil at the other end of the pool, going over his form again. They were at it for some time; both of them never minded when it got late, and Andrew never complained in earnest about it either. Neither of them noticed the short goalkeeper disappearing after a while.

Somehow it was always Neil who spotted Andrew first. When Kevin looked up, following Neil’s gaze, he saw the goalkeeper's legs dangling off the diving platform all the way up on the ten meter platform. Seeing Andrew up on high places drew Neil close to him, but this time Kevin held him back.

"I'll go," he told him. "Work on that," he added and pointed at his boyfriend who met his gaze and nodded once. Kevin left Neil in the water and climbed the tower. This one too was closed for safety reasons, but it cost him almost no effort to climb it anyway. He found Andrew lying on top, eyes on the ceiling half covered in skylights, the other half shining bright lights down on them. Andrew wore his jacket again, maybe already done with swimming for tonight. Kevin sat next to him on the edge, long legs dangling next to Andrew's shorter, paler ones. He spotted Neil down below, practicing as instructed.

"Hiding up here?" he asked Andrew.

"If that'd be the case, I'd have done a poor job." Andrew's eyes met his.

"Doesn't matter. Neil will always find you. Sometimes I think he has chipped you or something." Being compared to a pet prone to running away didn't agree with Andrew it seemed.

"Want me to push you off, Day?"

Kevin huffed a short laugh. He knew that line. It was one of those that meant a lot to his two boyfriends. The right response here would be 'I'd drag you down with me' but he wasn't Neil. It wasn't his line, had never been his.  He turned forward again, let his gaze wander. "I trust you," he finally answered. That was his line and he could feel Andrew looking at his back.

Kevin wasn't afraid of heights and he had overcome his fear of falling. It was a requirement for all Ravens after all, metaphorically speaking. Growing up in the Nest, they had lived in constant fear of falling for a while. As they had grown old enough to finally leave the Nest, Riko and him, it had just been another test. They had been pushed over the edge, forced to spread their wings and take flight. The question had always remained but had never been spoken aloud: what if we are not good enough? Oh, they had know what would happen then. Failed Ravens didn't survive the fall, one way or another. They had seen it happening to other players before them. Somehow that fear had never left Riko, had crippled his wings from the start, while Kevin had conquered it and surpassed him in the end. The young Moriyama hadn't survived his fall— and then there was Jean. His team kept it a secret, but Kevin knew of the young man's suicide attempt last fall. It had shocked him, not because he had thought it impossible, but because it had been a harsh reminder.

Kevin frowned, forced the memories down again and got onto his feet. "Did I never tell you that I learned to fly?" he asked Andrew, not looking at the goalkeeper. In response he felt Andrew's naked foot touching the back of his legs; not pushing, but threatening. Kevin leaned his head to the side and spoke over his shoulder. "I meant it. I trust you."

"Think I won't do it? Aren't you just flattering yourself?" Andrew smirked.

"I know you would. I know you would be the one running into a burning building for us, pushing us off the side to save us. You know the fall will hurt us, but we would survive."

"Maybe," Andrew admitted and his smirk was gone.

"What I don't know is if you'd jump with us." Now Kevin turned around, toes gripping the edge, heels in the air. He saw Andrew staring at his feet for a moment, saw him swallowing. "'Cause no one ever taught you to fly, and you are still afraid of falling."

Andrew shot him an angry look for that accusation. "Careful, Birdie."

Kevin stepped over him then and went onto his knees, straddling Andrew's lap. He kept some space between them. He wasn't Neil. Andrew had other boundaries with him. Then again, Kevin thought, having someone of almost the same height on top of you was something entirely different, and he never held it against Andrew. He placed his hands on either side of the blonde's head and looked down at him. The slip-proof surface of the platform was uncomfortable on his bare skin but the ignored it.

"Sometimes I can still feel the wings on my back," he said in a low voice. The message wasn't lost between them, even in this moment when Andrew was getting close to another limit, being pushed by his fear of heights and Kevin towering over him like this. It was another one of their lines. It was one he had whispered in the dark during a sleepless night after he had fled the Ravens and joined the Foxes. Deep down Kevin still felt like a Raven sometimes. He knew what happened to failed Ravens.

"Looks to me like you shed those feathers for fox fur, Kevin." The striker didn't hold back then, leaned down and kissed Andrew, hard. Strong hands gripped his hair, but only to hold him there while Andrew kissed back. It didn't last long. It was the wrong place, the wrong time, and they both felt it. When Kevin pulled back, he took hold of Andrew's hand and covered his eyes with it, Andrew's fingers still in his hair, so all the young man below him could see was his smile.

"I guess what I meant to ask was: Would you jump with us?" The pause that followed was tense and Kevin waited it out patiently, letting Andrew decide on his own.

"Yes."

When he was sure that his smile actually reached his eyes this time, Kevin kissed Andrew's palm, keeping hold of his hand. He stood up and pulled the shorter man with him. The higher you got, the more you felt the vibrations in the diving platform. It wasn't exactly shaking but you could feel it in your feet. Kevin could tell that the feeling made Andrew nervous.

"I'll drag you higher." It was a promise. His eyes locked with Andrew's and Kevin's free hand pulled down the zipper of his training jacket. Andrew might not yet know it, but the best part of jumping down from great heights was the moment you escaped gravity for a split second.

He pushed the jacket off Andrew’s shoulders and threw it off the tower at the back. Then he flashed a gin at the shorter man. “Do you trust me?” How many times had he been the one facing that question? He gripped Andrew’s hand again, holding on to it tightly.

“Yes.” That one word felt better than any praise he had ever gotten for his performance. It felt like victory after a hard match. White teeth flashing in a brilliant smile, Kevin pulled at Andrew’s hand and ran with him across the platform, jumping off high at the end. He gave a shout but Andrew remained silent, his white-knuckled grip crushing Kevin’s fingers. The surface rushed up to meet them, and then the world caught up to them again, slowing down, submerging them, pulling them under. Kevin never let go. They broke the surface together, looking at each other, Andrew gasping, a little wide-eyed. The adrenalin rush made him a little giddy. Kevin felt suddenly proud of him, but he knew he wouldn’t find the right words to express that feeling. Andrew wouldn’t accept it.

“Andrew,” he said, loud enough only for them to hear. Neil had been watching them, had given a little cheer. “Andrew—“ he tried again but came up short. The goalkeeper looked at him questioningly. Kevin laughed a little nervously, feeling foolish all of the sudden. He felt so close to his partner right now, and he wanted to write that off to the jump, but the knew it was the intimate display of trust between them. He wanted to give Andrew something in return, but he feared rejection. “Nevermind,” he rowed back, covering it with a fake chuckle. He wanted to turn and swim over to where Neil was watching them, when Andrew gave him a tug on the hand.

“Say it,” the blonde demanded, not letting him chicken out of this.

“I…” Kevin felt himself blush and felt foolish for it. He heaved a frustrated sigh. Here goes nothing, he told himself and reached up to run a hand through Andrew’s hair, resting it at the back of Andrew’s head. “Tonight,” he began, “fuck me.” The offer didn’t come easily to him. They had some unwritten rules in the bedroom. One of them was that no one would do something that hadn’t been offered first. All of their threesomes revolved mostly around Neil. Andrew would only top and the same went for Kevin so far. Not because the striker couldn’t imagine changing it up a little; in fact, he had fantasies where Andrew would push him down, but they had never talked about it. The timing had never been right.

Andrew’s eyes narrowed a little and Kevin held his breath. “Do you want that,” the blonde made sure. He had to, Kevin knew that.

“Yes, I want that,” Kevin admitted. “I’ve been thinking about it.” Every time he had watched Andrew taking Neil lately. “Do you?”

Andrew smirked, let go of his hand and took a handful of dark, wet hair, pulling Kevin close and kissed him hard. “Yes.” He chuckled at Kevin’s relieved exhale. Kevin touched their foreheads together.

“Think Neil will like it?”

“Like what?” The backliner had grown tired of waiting and came closer.

“Me topping Kevin,” Andrew said without hesitation.

“Fuck yeah,” Neil exclaimed. “Do you even have to ask?” He looked between the two, already imagining it.

<<Day 2                                                                                                               Day 4>>

[smilefromtheheartalways]

Zero and Yuuki: Why they are the very definition of Star-Crossed and why it’s such an important element to VK

Hi guys,

So it’s come to my attention that @imaginarylights has received a bit of flak from the tag line she chose for her recent edit here. I find this hilarious because when she came to me to show me her edit she asked what to tag it under and I was like “Well, star-crossed lovers of course!”

Why did I tell her to use ‘Star-Crossed Lovers’? Well, because it is the most explicit character trope that accurately details both Zero and Yuuki’s love in VK and is the trope that Hino has used since the beginning of Arc 2 and is continuing to flesh out and explore even now in VKM. This trope is so important to her story that she is using it as a means of exploring the concept of coexistence which is one of the most reoccurring themes in the manga and if we are to be honest it is the theme that really needs to be focused on and resolved in this new series as she did not give it the closure it needed nor deserved.

I’m also going to hide this under a cut because man this is going to be super long and I have been working on this for God knows how long.

Preview:

To sum up Yume was the love that was ‘meant to be’ but couldn’t because their love was not true or requited. Conversely Zero and Yuuki were the ‘ill-fated’, ‘star-crossed’ lovers that were never meant to be, but was, because their love was so pure and strong. It is Zero and Yuuki’s love that paves the way for coexistence to be achieved in order to create a new world where their love is accepted, and vampires and humans can live peacefully together.

Before I get started I would like to link you to @zerolover66 who already made a post recently about this topic which you can find here. I would also like to link you to a page that goes through the notion of ‘Star-Crossed Lovers’ as a character trope here and the definition of ‘Star-Crossed’ here. Both which will be referenced throughout this post.

To begin with let’s actually look at what it means to be ‘Star-Crossed’.

To be Star-Crossed is to generally be ‘ill-fated’. It is something that is not destined to be, or if it is, it is destined to see many trials and tribulations.

Looking back on VK it is important to note that Hino has described Vampire Knight as a ‘tragic love story’. It was never a ‘tragedy’. The reality is that both ships are undoubtedly based on a tragic albeit one a twisted love. However only one of the ships finds tragic hardships in the form of being ‘Star-Crossed’, the other finds tragedy in being the ‘Destined Love’ that failed.

The definition for tragic is stated as:

tragicˈtradʒɪk/

adjective

Causing or characterized by extreme distress or sorrow.

tragedyˈtradʒɪdi/

noun

An event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress, such as a serious accident, crime, or natural catastrophe.

A play dealing with tragic events and having an unhappy ending, especially one concerning the downfall of the main character.

Vampire Knight is not a tragedy. As pointed out in a similar post by Yume, Yuuki and Zero were happy. Yuuki found her happy ending. VK did not end at her downfall but at her overcoming the sorrow and distress that followed her her whole life and finally finding happiness.

Using the word ‘tragic’, in front of the main identifier (‘love story’) indicates that Hino noted that Vampire Knight is a love story above all else. The use of the word ‘tragic’ indicates that it is also a story that encompasses a love that involves ‘extreme distress and sorrow’. 

The distress and sorrow that followed Zeki’s love is that of being a ‘Star-Crossed love’; the love that was ‘not allowed’ based on their station and the expectations placed on them by their expected societies. The title ‘Vampire Knight’ should be a key indicator in this as it emphasises the difference in station between the Vampire Knight and the Vampire Princess Queen.

Not only that but as a general rule of thumb, Star-crossed lovers are often forced by society to show their love in other 'more acceptable' ways such as dedication, service, loyalty and protection I mean doesn't that just scream Zero Kiryuu to you? I mean not only that but that's exactly what is expected from a 'Knight'. Now to be fair, Yume also follows a tragic love story in the sense that their love story is canonically based on a ‘twisted love’ that also canonically ended in tragedy because the Vampire King could not have the Vampire Queen because she was in love with someone else.

The reason Kaname and Yuuki cannot possibly fall under the ‘Star-Crossed’ category is because they were ‘destined’ to meet and eventually fail. Even though their ship is a tragedy, their tragedy came from the fact that their relationship was not satisfying and not because it was ‘ill fated’ or ‘not meant to be’. For all intents and purposes it was meant to be except neither person could find happiness with the other because the love given by Yuuki was not reciprocated to the full extent Kaname wanted. She loved him on a level that did not transcend her love for Zero. It did not make her smile from the heart. It did not move past pride and adoration. It stayed stagnant and remained as a love a girl had for a man she admired and looked up to as a brother. It was Zero and Yuuki who ‘defied the stars’.

‘Star-Crossed Lovers’ generally focus on the effects of social status impacting on the two love-birds pun intended being together as social expectations shape how the love is viewed and received. Following the course of the original manga it is Yuuki and Kaname that would originally be perceived as ‘Star-Crossed’. Kaname is a pureblood. Yuuki is a human. Vampires and humans are not meant to share any connections. Zero however is seen as a possibility. He and Yuuki start Vampire Knight on the same side on the chessboard as it were. They are both perceived to have the same status as a human. This is crucial to the overarching storyline and the main plot device Hino uses to drive the story and show progress. However, we soon realise that Zero is a vampire, and Yuuki does everything in her power to save him. Their relationship however ultimately remains balanced, while Kaname’s and Yuuki’s does not.

At this stage Zero and Yuuki do not follow the ‘Star-Crossed’ Trope, but Yume arguably does, as both Hunter’s think Yagori and Vampires think Aidou and Ruka show disdain for it. A Pureblood vampire and a human can not exist together in this world. Something echoed by Shizuka and her lover.

All that changes, however the moment Yuuki returns to being a pureblood and she realises that ‘everything she ever wanted’, ie, Kaname, was ‘already hers’. She realises she’s betrothed to Kaname. She is the same species as him. She’s expected to live all eternity by his side. They are no longer ill-fated and this is depicted through the change in the characters opinions of the ‘romance’. Ruka stops sulking and claims she understands and that she even pities Yuuki for the fate she now has. Aidou starts calling Yuuki, Yuuki-Sama, and tries supporting her relationship with Kaname even though he is at this point a hard core zeki shipper and has been since he caught Zero and Yuuki in the act of that sexy wrist bite.

Zero and Yuuki however have the adverse effect. They go from being on ‘mutual’ ground to having their stations cited as the reason they can no longer stay together. Zero is a hunter. Yuuki is a pureblood. Therefore she must go with the ‘man who can walk the same path of time’ as her.

They can no longer be ‘on each other’s side’, despite Yuuki’s promise to Zero, which is later revisited multiple times in the manga, because it is important. We also see how this causes both Zero and Yuuki immense suffering in the form of their thirst in the six month and one year time skip. The fact that they are different ‘species’ is cited multiple times in the manga to show how ‘ill-fated’ they would be as a couple.

The most notable times that deserve a reference include, but are not limited to:

When Yuuki first drinks from Zero. Zero hides his feelings for Yuuki and they both redefine their roles as hunters and vampires who need to work together in order to achieve their own interests.

The next moment of relevance is when Kaito reminds Zero that Yuuki is incompatible to him when the two of them leave after the events of Sara and the Association. This in turn forces Yuuki to remind Zero that she ‘belongs’ to Kaname. Again, another point that indicates that Yume is not ‘Star-Crossed’ but the love that is expected to be.

Followed by the Masquerade ball, in which that whole scene does nothing but follow a scene straight out of Romeo and Juliet.  In which Yuuki is depicted as explaining how Hunters and Vampires don’t dance together, AKA don’t get along, AKA don’t be together, to both Isaya and Zero himself.

The most notable however would be when Yuuki indulges in her fantasy where the social restrictions of her being a vampire and Zero a hunter are removed and both are returned to their role as ‘humans’ and given the opportunity to pursue their relationship without the expectations that are keeping them apart. This also further highlights how these barriers are causing both Yuuki and Zero immense pain and suffering. Suffering which is symbolised through their thirst.

This is once again elaborated on in VKM, where despite Kaname’s blessing, Zero and Yuuki are once again forced to keep their relationship a secret, as the Purebloods have targeted Zero and the hunters have questioned Zero’s authenticity to their cause. Coexistence has not been achieved yet, but both Yuuki and Zero are the bridge to reaching that, which leads me to my next point.

Zero and Yuuki were given their time as humans to develop their relationship and their feelings for each other so that when they were forced apart and revealed as the true ‘star-crossed’ pairing, they had a strong foundation that made not being together extremely difficult, but also showcased how perfect for each other they really are. Thus, by them finding a way to be together, despite the pressure of social expectations, they are paving the way for coexistence. Think about it. The Queen of Vampires and her Hunter Knight, coming together and sharing the same path gives reason for coexistence to be achieved and for them to create a world that allows them to be together. BANG COEXISTENCE.

Essentially, to sum up Yume was the love that was ‘meant to be’ but couldn’t because their love was not true or requited.

Yume were both:

Pureblood Vampires.

Expected to be together by their society and thus betrothed at a young age.

Shared the same immortality.

Started off the series with what was perceived as the same feelings for each other.

Both deemed the King and Queen of Vampires.

Conversely Zero and Yuuki were the ‘ill-fated’, ‘star-crossed’ love that were never meant to be, but was because their love was so pure and strong.

The factors that acted to keep the two apart included:

Being a vampire and a hunter and thus expected to distrust and dislike each other

Yuuki being betrothed to someone else.

Their lifespans not matching up.

Neither one of them feeling like they deserved the other because of who and what they were (Zero in Arc one, Yuuki in Arc 2)

Moreover, it is Zero and Yuuki’s love that paves the way for coexistence to be achieved in order to create a new world where their love is accepted, and vampires and humans can live peacefully together. They started together on the same side of the board and they finished together on the same side of the board.

Also, for added emphasis, I just want to highlight a few elements that Hino has borrowed stole from a well known story depicting ‘Star-Crossed’ lovers: Romeo and Juliet.

When you compare Zeki to the foundations of Romeo and Juliet you can see that Hino has taken elements of the trope underpinning the pairing and fleshed it out in her characters in a way that allows them to work it out and be happy.

Here are some relevant elements from Romeo and Juliet that Hino has drawn inspiration from: 

In Romeo and Juliet, you have two warring factions consisting of the Montagues and the Capulets. This creates a never ending level of hate and distrust between both parties.

In Vampire Knight, the world consists of humans, vampires and hunters. After a war a long time ago, hunters were entrusted to protect humans from vampires. Thus two opposing factions exist without the knowledge of humans. Because of the events of the past there is a level of hatred between both factions and a distrust between Hunters and Vampires.

In Romeo and Juliet, Juliet is betrothed to Paris. Paris, while royalty and considered to be a desirable subject is not the object of her hearts true desire. However prior to meeting Romeo she is happy to be betrothed to him and seek only her parents approval. This changes upon her meeting Romeo. 

In Vampire Knight, Yuuki is betrothed to Kaname, who, like Paris, is originally seen as desirable, and is, naturally royalty and holds the mantel of ‘Vampire King’. However, it is revealed that he is not the object of Yuuki’s truest desire, shown through his inability to quench her thirst. Kaname is also the focus of Yuuki’s adoration however this changes somewhat as Zero enters her life.

In Romeo and Juliet, Juliet meets Romeo at a party in the House of Capulet, without any knowledge of who is, or his link to his noble, but adversary, family name. Romeo sneaks into the the soirée wearing a mask so that his true identity is hidden. Therefore when they meet they are free to be who they are. They dance, kiss and later confess their love for each other on a balcony.

In Vampire Knight, Yuuki and Zero attend a soiree and hide their true identities as a Hunter and a Vampire behind masks. This allows the two of them to speak openly and freely. As they dance on a balcony they share a kiss and Yuuki confesses to herself that she loves Zero and that her feelings are real.

In Romeo and Juliet, the secret love between the two creates a civil brawl that ends in a blood bath as tensions between the Montagues and the Capulets erupt following the death of Mercutio and Juliet’s cousin, Tybalt. Romeo is banished and forced to stay away from Juliet.

In Vampire Knight tensions increase between Vampires and Hunters following the death of Yuuki’s perceived brother Kaname. Thus both sides show their disdain for Zero and Yuuki’s love and they are forced to ‘keep it a secret’ and not be seen together.

In Romeo and Juliet, Romeo dies after what he believes is Juliet’s untimely death. However, it is revealed that Juliet is not dead, but in an induced coma-like state. Upon waking up to Romeo’s death she takes her own like.

In Vampire Knight Zero dies an untimely death saving a child and ‘a short while after’ Yuuki gives up her life to turn Kaname human and end her eternal life.

Ironically Juliet and Yuuki have surrogate parents (Juliet’s nurse and Kaien and Yuuki) that also ship and support them being with their ‘Star-Crossed’ love despite both knowing their true identities. But that’s just me having a bit of fun with it haha

And if that wasn’t enough for you, take one look at this image and tell me that Hino was not channelling the balcony seen in Romeo and Juliet here.

(Once again cleaned and edited by the lovely @imaginarylights thanks Sophi!)

[bountyofbeads]

Inside Liberty University’s ‘culture of fear’

https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2019/07/24/inside-liberty-universitys-culture-fear-how-jerry-falwell-jr-silences-students-professors-who-reject-his-pro-trump-politics/

Inside Liberty University’s ‘Culture Of Fear’

By Will E. Young | Published July 24 at 6:25 PM | Washington Post | Posted July 25, 2019 |

In my first week as editor in chief of the Champion, Liberty University’s student-run weekly, our faculty adviser, Deborah Huff, ordered me to apologize. I’d noticed that our evangelical school’s police department didn’t publish its daily crime log online, as many other private university forces did, so I searched elsewhere for crime information I might use in an article. I called the Virginia Association of Campus Law Enforcement Administrators to find out what the law required Liberty to disclose. But the public affairs worker there told the Liberty University Police Department, which complained to Huff. She called to upbraid me: Apparently, I had endangered our newspaper’s relationship with the LUPD. Huff and Chief Richard Hinkley convened a meeting inside a police department conference room, and Huff sat next to me while I proffered the forced apology to Hinkley — for asking questions. Huff, too, was contrite, assuring the police chief that it wouldn’t happen again, because she’d keep a better eye on me.

This wasn’t exactly a rude awakening. I’d spent the previous three years watching the university administration, led by President Jerry Falwell Jr. (who took a very micromanaging interest), meddle in our coverage, revise controversial op-eds and protect its image by stripping damning facts from our stories. Still, I stuck around. I thought that if I wrote with discretion and kept my head down, I could one day win enough trust from the university to protect the integrity of our journalism. I even dreamed we could eventually persuade the administration to let the Champion go independent from its supervision. I was naive.

Instead, when my team took over that fall of 2017, we encountered an “oversight” system — read: a censorship regime — that required us to send every story to Falwell’s assistant for review. Any administrator or professor who appeared in an article had editing authority over any part of the article; they added and deleted whatever they wanted. Falwell called our newsroom on multiple occasions to direct our coverage personally, as he had a year earlier when, weeks before the 2016 election, he read a draft of my column defending mainstream news outlets and ordered me to say whom I planned to vote for. I refused on ethical grounds, so Falwell told me to insert “The author refused to reveal which candidate he is supporting for president” at the bottom of the column. I complied. (Huff and the police department declined to comment on the contents of this essay. Falwell and the university did not respond to multiple requests for comment.)

Eventually I quit, and the School of Communication decided not to replace me, turning the paper into a faculty-run, student-written organ and seizing complete control of its content. Student journalists must now sign a nondisclosure agreement that forbids them from talking publicly about “editorial or managerial direction, oversight decisions or information designated as privileged or confidential.” The form also states that the students understand they are “privileged” to receive “thoughts, opinions, and other statements” from university administrators.

What my team and I experienced at the Champion was not an isolated overreaction to embarrassing revelations. It was one example of an infrastructure of thought-control that Falwell and his lieutenants have introduced into every aspect of Liberty University life. Faculty, staff and students on the Lynchburg, Va., campus have learned that it’s a sin to challenge the sacrosanct status of the school or its leader, which mete out punishments for dissenting opinions (from stripping people of their positions to banning them from campus). This “culture of fear,” as it was described by several of the dozen Liberty denizens who talked to me for this story — most of them anonymously to protect their jobs or their standing — worsened during my four years on campus because of the 2016 presidential election.

By 2016, Liberty’s efforts to limit free expression were already well-established. (“The big victory was finding a way to tame the faculty,” Falwell told the New York Times last year for a story about privileging Liberty’s financial growth over its academics.) But the school’s methods became even more aggressive after Falwell endorsed Donald Trump early that year, according to multiple current and former faculty members. “The closer you get to the president’s office,” says former history professor Brian Melton, discussing a chilling effect at the school, “the worse it becomes.” Falwell’s staff now operates masterfully to squash challenges to his views and his rise in national political influence.

The dissent that did exist — like off-message campus speakers, insufficiently sycophantic board members, student activists and our newspaper staff — was ruthlessly neutralized. Liberty, founded on principles of fundamental Christianity, is now a place that has zero tolerance for new questions and ideas. Those who harbor them must remain silent, or leave.

Falwell, 57, possesses a certain Orwellian gift for painting Liberty as a bastion of tolerance where alternate viewpoints are not just permitted but encouraged. In March, he attended the signing of Trump’s executive order on college free speech and later claimed on “PBS NewsHour” that Liberty was inclusive of all ideas because it had invited Jimmy Carter to deliver its 2018 commencement address and Bernie Sanders to speak in 2015 at the assembly that students are required to attend twice a week. After Falwell learned last month that I was writing this essay, he posted a column on Liberty’s site disputing “sensational stories . . . that we do not allow opposing views.” He wrote, “If there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that there will be a strong and critical response to this article by a few former students and a handful of national media determined to paint Liberty in a completely different light on these issues.”

His Twitter account is a much better reflection of his approach to dissent. Falwell’s profile announces that “Haters will be blocked,” and several students who have disagreed or argued with him on Twitter have met this fate. Falwell outright lied on the platform to Sojourners Web editor Sandi Villarreal — who is now my colleague — when he said he’d removed a Champion op-ed criticizing Trump’s “locker room talk” defense because there was simply not enough room on the page. (The piece was already laid out on the page when he pulled it.) In fact, much of Falwell’s message control has to do with safeguarding Trump.

Mark DeMoss was something like Liberty royalty. His late father, Arthur S. DeMoss, gave $20 million to build DeMoss Hall, the school’s main academic building. Mark was also an alumnus, a former chief of staff to university founder Jerry Falwell Sr. and eventually a public relations executive who counted Liberty among his clients. He won a seat on the school’s board of trustees in 1991 after serving as Liberty’s spokesman and became the board’s executive committee chairman in 2008.

In January 2016, days before Trump was scheduled to speak at Liberty, Falwell emailed DeMoss asking whether he should endorse Trump for president. DeMoss says he recommended against endorsing anyone, and Falwell thanked him for the “great advice.” Falwell, at the speech, held back his imprimatur. But a week later, he anointed the billionaire with his support. DeMoss was horrified. “The bullying tactics of personal insult have no defense — and certainly not for anyone who claims to be a follower of Christ,” he told The Washington Post at the time. Falwell seemed to take the rebuke in stride, saying he was “disappointed” in DeMoss but understood “that all the administrators and faculty have their own personal political views.”

Within a few months, though, DeMoss would be gone. The night before a Liberty board meeting that April, the executive committee, including Falwell, convened without DeMoss to vote on a motion to oust him from his role as chairman. DeMoss says that his criticism of the endorsement was the cause. (Before the meeting, Falwell called him a pawn of rival campaigns.) DeMoss resigned as a trustee days later, on April 25, 2016, citing “a lack of trust.”

A week after that, Liberty changed the sign on DeMoss Hall to “Arthur S. DeMoss Hall,” making clear that the structure honored the father and not the wayward son. The message to faculty and students was clear: If you challenge Falwell, you will be not only removed but erased.

The culture of Liberty is governed by lists of principles. According to the Faculty Handbook, for instance, professors are expected to “promote . . . free market processes” and “affirm . . . that the Bible is inerrant in the originals and authoritative in all matters.” One cause of perpetual insecurity at Liberty is the school’s militant refusal to award tenure to any faculty member (outside the law school, which must offer it for accreditation). Instructors are instead hired on year-to-year contracts; during the spring semester, they find out whether they will be coming back the next fall.

The result is constant, erratic faculty turnover. One recently fired teacher describes the spring as a cycle of stressed-out, fearful professors wandering into each other’s offices to ask if they had their contracts renewed yet. “If you’re a conservative Christian in the academic world, the chances of you getting a job are nil in many areas,” says Melton, who worked at Liberty as an associate professor for 15 years before resigning because of what he described as the school’s surveillance and fear tactics. “The administration knows that, and . . . they wield that very effectively, keeping people quiet.”

Late-notice faculty removals have also become more commonplace, according to Melton, stemming in part from Falwell’s stated desire to tame the teaching corps. “He considers the faculty to be disposable beasts of burden,” Melton says. Last summer, 14 professors at Liberty’s School of Education were suddenly told that their contracts would not be renewed as part of what former Liberty spokesman Len Stevens called a “reorganization.” This June, a dozen faculty members at Liberty’s School of Divinity were notified that their contracts would not be renewed. By that late in the year, it is too late to find another job in higher education for the fall.

For former faculty members, Liberty’s culture of fear can live on. The school often requires terminated professors to sign a nondisclosure agreement if they want their severance packages, several told me — a practice that is extremely uncommon in higher education, according to Robert Bezemek, a California lawyer who represents labor unions at universities. (As Melton puts it, “They force this NDA on you by leveraging the ability to feed your family against you.”) Even former teachers who hadn’t signed NDAs told me they feared that talking to me on the record would somehow get them blacklisted from jobs elsewhere or imperil their friends who still work at Liberty. One thought my request to speak with him was a trap, calling my previous connection with the school “fishy.” When I contacted another for an interview, she warned me, “The university is on to you.” I confess I harbor a certain paranoia, too, from years of being watched at the Champion. Melton and several other current and former members of the faculty told me that they believe the administration surveils everything they do on Liberty’s server, tracking when instructors complete a task late and searching for evidence of “disloyalty” to Liberty or Falwell, as a former professor put it. Another onetime instructor declined to use his university-issued laptop because he thought Liberty had equipped it with spyware.

One cause for alarm came just before Trump’s inauguration, when then-Provost Ronald Hawkins ordered all campus faculty members to fill out an anonymous survey that asked respondents to rate how politically and socially liberal they were on a scale of 1 to 5. “We are interested in how we compare with other institutions on political and social views,” Hawkins’s office said in a follow-up email to faculty members. But, according to a former professor who talked with others in her department, many initially refused to take the survey out of fear that if a department had too many left-leaning professors, the administration might target it for more oversight or even firings. There is no evidence of Liberty firing a faculty member explicitly for his or her political beliefs, but everyone I spoke to believed that the school could easily manufacture some other pretense. “There is zero trust between the administration and faculty,” Melton says. FIRE, a nonprofit that fights for free speech on campus, put Liberty on its 2019 list of the 10 worst colleges for freedom of speech.

Things aren’t much better for the 15,000 students on campus. In 2009, Liberty withdrew funding and recognition for its College Democrats chapter because, as Mark Hine, the senior vice president of student affairs, put it, the national party defends abortion, opposed the Defense of Marriage Act, supported “the ‘LGBT’ agenda, hate crimes, which include sexual orientation and gender identity, socialism, etc.” A.J. Strom, who graduated in May, tells me that several students wanted to revive the College Democrats but no faculty members were willing to advise them, without which Liberty will not recognize a student club. “They said they would love to sign on but that if Jerry saw their name on the club application, they would be fired,” Strom says.

Student leaders have consistently helped administrators enforce the culture. After the Charlottesville rally in August 2017, members of Liberty’s Student Government Association drafted a statement expressing solidarity with Heather Heyer, the protester murdered by a neo-Nazi, and all people demonstrating against white nationalism. Then-SGA President Caleb Johnson refused to release the statement and send it to university administrators for fear of what Falwell might think. (Johnson said in an email this past week that the author was “a self-described ‘Never-Trumper’ ” and that “we would not allow the platform of Liberty Student Government to be improperly used by a political activist with obvious ulterior motives.”) “There’s 100 percent an atmosphere of fear at Liberty,” says Caleb Fitzpatrick, who was then the student government’s speaker of the House and helped draft the statement. “There was a need to avoid being seen as a liberal or progressive, or even being different.”

In September 2018, nearly a year into the #MeToo movement, Liberty invited conservative provocateur Candace Owens to speak at an assembly. A few days before her visit, Owens tweeted that the women accusing Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault were “making it up.” In response, Addyson Garner, then president of a libertarian club on campus, organized a rally to support victims of sexual assault, called #LUforMeToo, which would occur right after the Owens speech. The day before, Jacob Page, then the student body president, summoned her to his office, where he and Vice President Derek Rockey pressured her to cancel the event, Garner told me in May. She left the office in tears, but she and her fellow organizers decided to protest anyway. About 25 students attended, a rare show of defiance on a campus that discourages political dissent. (In an email this past week, Rockey said he thought students should attend a public dialogue on these topics rather than stage a protest. Page said he and Rockey “support bringing awareness to victims of sexual assault” but “felt it was unproductive to engage in partisan protests.”)

Guests at the school who deviate from the prescribed philosophy can be targeted, too. In October 2017, the anti-Trump pastor and writer Jonathan Martin arrived at the invitation of the Christian musical duo Johnnyswim, who were performing on campus that night; Martin also announced on Twitter that he would lead a prayer meeting with students the next morning. Falwell took it as an unauthorized protest, and the LUPD sent three armed officers to remove Martin from campus, telling him he’d be arrested if he returned. Martin tweeted that it was “evidently in response to my strong criticism of @JerryFallwellJr’s alignment not only with the darkest contours of Trumpism, but expressly with Steve Bannon & the alt-right he represents.” Falwell told the Champion that Martin’s forcible removal was “a matter of safety.”

A similar episode unfolded in 2015 when Jonathan Merritt, a Liberty alumnus and Christian writer, was disinvited to speak on campus after authoring an article critical of Hobby Lobby, the company permitted by the Supreme Court in 2014 to deny its employees contraceptive health-care coverage. The Green family, which owns Hobby Lobby, is close with Falwell. “You don’t seem to remember who your friends are,” Merritt remembers Falwell saying over the phone.

One afternoon in April 2016, when I was still a cub reporter during my sophomore year, I received a one-sentence email from Deborah Huff, our adviser: “need to talk to you about SG,” the subject line read. I should call her that night. She copied the editor in chief, a senior. I was clearly in trouble.

“SG” stood for Scott Garrett, a traditionalist conservative who represents Lynchburg in the state legislature. According to records I had found through the Virginia Public Access Project, he owned millions of dollars in stock, some from companies that lobby lawmakers in Richmond. A few days earlier, I interviewed him for the Champion about possible conflicts of interest stemming from his assets.

After dinner, I called Huff. She sounded annoyed. When I described my reporting to her, she told me the Champion would not run my story, because Garrett was afraid that the article would hurt his reputation. The message was clear: I had no business heckling Liberty’s friends and allies. (“I don’t remember the incident in question,” Garrett emailed me this week when I asked him for a comment. “And I don’t understand why I would say the article would hurt my reputation because there was no conflict of interest.”)

Out of fear that arguing with her would end my career at the paper — she selected which students would advance to editorships — I apologized for looking into Garrett’s finances and assured her that this sort of thing wouldn’t happen again. I understood that her job, and by extension mine, was to protect our righteous, evangelical university. Before becoming a Liberty teacher and then supervisor of the Champion, Huff worked for the Fundamentalist Journal, a now-defunct Falwell-owned periodical. I didn’t see defending the faith as the main purpose of journalism, and I wasn’t out to safeguard Liberty. But in the face of a mentor I trusted, I believed I must have been in the wrong.

Looking back on the emails from that episode three years later, I’m embarrassed by my naivete — and my willingness to abandon a scoop with obvious journalistic merit. The scales began to fall from my eyes as, over the next 18 months, I saw how in every issue of the Champion the administration strategically manipulated or erased stories. Huff discouraged us from following leads that might disrupt the image of Liberty as a prestigious, respectable evangelical institution. In pitch meetings, she made it clear that the Champion would not cover Liberty scandals, even those that appeared in mainstream news outlets (such as the Falwells’ secret business relationships and the wave of Liberty alumni who sent back their diplomas after Falwell defended Trump’s comment that there “very fine people” on both sides of the white nationalist Charlottesville rally).

By the time I became the Champion’s editor, the censorship I hoped to stop was already shameless. In February 2017, I wrote an article on a higher-education task force that Trump had asked Falwell to lead. Falwell emailed me his personal edits, removing every quote from an expert concerning possible conflicts of interest that Falwell created by accepting the position (in the end, the task force was never formed). Months later, Huff ordered that my story about Martin’s expulsion from campus include lines about how Liberty is inclusive of different political beliefs, in the face of obvious counterevidence. An administrator spiked a news report about an on-campus swing dancing club that was temporarily banned. When film students drafted a petition in early 2018 objecting to “The Trump Prophecy” — a hagiographic tale about a firefighter who said he had prophesized Trump’s election, which Liberty students were compelled to produce in order to receive their degrees — faculty at the film school crafted our coverage into a fluffy bit of PR highlighting students who looked forward to working on set. Champion reporter Jack Panyard was so disgusted, he removed his byline from the piece. Then there was sports editor Joel Schmieg’s column about “locker room talk” after the “Access Hollywood” video came out; Falwell blocked it from publication.

This interference frequently caused shouting matches with, and passive aggressive emails from, administrators. “Too bad the editor and chief of The Champion penned this editorial for the homecoming edition without any effort to learn all that is being done at Liberty to prevent and react appropriately to sexual assault,” Liberty General Counsel David Corry wrote to Falwell and Huff about my column on campus sexual assault. Instead of sticking up for the journalists she supervised, Huff emailed me to complain that I did not “make sure Liberty was separated from the conversation or address what Liberty does that is different than other schools.” Later that day, the piece was removed from the website without my consent. (In his preemptive statement last month, Falwell seemed to address these episodes. “In the past few years, some students screamed ‘censorship’ when they didn’t get their every word published in our campus newspaper,” he wrote. “But that standard isn’t even attained within the newsroom of commercial newspapers.”)

In the wake of these run-ins, members of our staff often gathered in my office to daydream about taking the paper independent or grouse about Huff, whom we felt was gaslighting us. What kind of newspaper adviser would denounce our attempts to keep Liberty accountable and make us repeatedly apologize to administrators for trying? By this point, it was clear that the principles of investigative journalism I was learning in class were verboten when it came to Liberty itself. The Champion could never be an avatar of press freedom or truth-telling.

I grew up in a politically conservative household and was active in my denomination; my values changed at Liberty as I embraced a more inclusive and open vision of the church. My views of Liberty, and of the values I saw Falwell profess on a daily basis, changed as well. I considered transferring schools or resigning from the paper. The weekly fight for the right to publish was exhausting. Still, I decided to stay because I saw that, on the occasions we won — when we either persuaded administrators to leave an article alone or worked around their objections — we sparked dialogue among students on Twitter and in classrooms that challenged Liberty’s status quo. But ultimately, our fraught relationship with our overlords was untenable, and something had to give.

The end finally came for the Champion when a left-leaning faith group, the Red Letter Christians, organized a “Lynchburg Revival” in April 2018 to protest Falwell’s support of Trump and what the group called “toxic evangelicalism.” Two days beforehand, Liberty’s police department notified RLC leader Shane Claiborne that he would be arrested if he set foot on campus. The Champion had already decided to cover the event, but the stakes were higher now. Huff told us it would be too controversial for print, but the other editors and I didn’t think we could ignore it.

The day before the gathering, Falwell sent an email to Erin Covey, our assistant news editor: “Let’s not run any articles about the event. That’s all these folks are here for — publicity. Best to ignore them.” When we explained our dilemma to RLC organizers, they tipped off a reporter at the Religion News Service, which ran a piece detailing Falwell’s censorship. Covey gave on-the-record quotes. Panyard, who was set to succeed me as editor in chief in a few weeks, briefed the reporter on background, as did I. (Vox also picked up the story and amplified it, and I imagine it galled Falwell to be depicted as an insecure tyrant in a liberal publication.)

The school’s response was swift. Falwell convened a tele-meeting with Bruce Kirk, who was then dean of the School of Communication, and our entire staff. They reprimanded us for talking to the press, and Falwell justified his censorship by arguing that the Red Letter Christians were “not keeping with the values of the university.” Then he spoke candidly for the first time about, as he saw it, the virtues of censoring us. “That’s what you kids are going to run into when you get into the real world and start working for for-profit newspapers. That’s what they’re going to expect of you, and I want you to learn that while you’re here.” Kirk, who was sitting with us for the meeting, chimed in, agreeing with Falwell’s depiction of the “real world” of journalism. Being censored by a higher-up in the media industry is “just a part of life,” he said. (Before he began at Liberty, he worked for a local news station operated by Sinclair Broadcasting.)

After the meeting, I felt sick. I hadn’t said a word while Falwell flayed us for trying to practice basic journalism and act with integrity. I went into my office, closed the door and waited until most of the staff members left the newsroom. Then I sat down at my desk and wept.

A week and a half later, Kirk called Panyard and Covey into his office and told them they were being let go as part of a “reorganization.” Nobody else was affected; they’d been fired. It was the most aggressive and direct action the administration had ever taken to silence the Champion. I was not fired — I was a lame duck anyway — but I resigned and refused to take part in the production of the last edition of the year. I cleaned out my office that same day. Soon after, I learned I would be the last student editor in chief of the Champion and that from now on the paper would be run directly by the school. (Kirk did not respond to multiple requests to comment for this story.)

Even at Liberty, there are still those who publicly reject Falwell’s diktats. A petition supporting Mark DeMoss won more than 70 student signatures when Falwell ousted him in 2016. During the presidential election, free speech lived a little when Liberty United Against Trump, a student group, scored national media attention for its stance that the school did not uniformly approve of Falwell’s endorsement. It said it accumulated more than 2,000 student signatures for its statement.

Panyard, the deposed editor, launched a new independent newspaper, the Lynchburg Torch, with the help of other refugees from the campus weekly. In the past year, it has published stories that the Champion’s overseers would have blocked, such as a report on LGBTQ students who oppose Liberty’s position on same-sex relationships. Addyson Garner put on another rally this year to support queer Liberty students after transphobic comments from Falwell and his wife, Becki. (“We’re raising her as a girl,” Becki Falwell said of their granddaughter Reagan, as her husband looked on. “We’re not letting her have a choice.”) Dozens of students participated, according to Garner and posts on social media. It was the first time I had ever seen the rainbow pride flag flown openly on Liberty’s campus. The school is changing.

But in significant ways, it is not more tolerant, and it certainly does not celebrate “the open exchange of competing ideas” that Falwell described in his column. In a discussion with the incoming Champion staffers after I left, Kirk said, “Your job is to keep the LU reputation and the image as it is.” The students who recall a more open time at Liberty, before Trump, have now graduated. All those who remain chose to go to Falwell’s school after he endorsed Trump, forming a much more compliant student body that generally accepts and even supports Falwell’s crackdown culture.

I graduated in 2018. Since then, I’ve tried to put Liberty — and the stress and self-doubt that officials there saddled me with — behind me. But I still fume when Falwell spews dumbfounding conspiracies online or retweets a bigoted rant from Trump, and I still become uneasy when I see my diploma, which is sitting in a cluttered drawer at my parents’ house. I made amazing friends and memories on campus, but I’m realizing the extent to which I internalized the fear tactics; I still sometimes self-censor my thoughts and writing. How can a college education stifle your freedom of thought? When people ask me if I regret going to Liberty, as many do, I usually pause. I don’t know.