#and given the concerning amount of blood that I produced this morning I probably should not do that

[plethod0ntidae]

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[yumeyooa]

revenge is brutally sweet | jeon jungkook

—jeon jungkook’s life so far has been going well. he’s the guitarist of the most famous band in the scene, he’s got the girl of his dreams, and everything he’s ever wished for is in the palm of his hands. what he doesn’t expect though, is to wake up one day in the middle of a controversy. what the controversy is, you may ask? a new band has been hitting the charts, and their lead singer is none other than you, a former member of the band and his ex-girlfriend.

➢  pairing: jeon jungkook x female! reader

➢ genre: angst | slight fluff | band au | slight highschool au | post breakup au | exes au | r 15 | guitarist! jungkook | vocalist! reader

➢ word count: 14.6k+

➢  warning: profanity | heavy drinking | toxic relationships | messy break-ups | self depriciation | bullying | messy closure | this is just very much super angsty

➢ love letter: AH SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG T_T I kinda drowned in midterms AHSHSHs but I hope you enjoy this fic <33 there’s more to this angsty collection to come so stay tuned!! 

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Life couldn’t be any better. 

This is what Jeon Jungkook constantly told himself every morning after his short, fifteen-minute shower while messily tousling his hair in an extra-soft towel as he takes in the dreary yet somehow vibrant view from his penthouse apartment, soaking in the sun’s rays. 

The city was busy, even though the sun had just risen and bloomed into full glory. The streets were filled with people rushing to get wherever they needed to be, cars driving past with the fervor of a shackled mad man on wheels. If Jungkook looked closer, he would have probably seen the black exhaust drifting in the air from the fumes of those ecologically damaging vehicles or the frantic looks on an office worker’s face as they hurriedly crossed the street obviously late for work. 

But alas, Jungkook couldn’t care less about the trials and tribulations of some strangers he didn’t even know. After all, his life was going great. In fact, he was literally walking on cloud nine at this point and felt like nothing had stopped him. 

Of course, it wasn’t always this way, which was why Jungkook appreciated his success tenfold. 

He, like every other success story, had started from the ground up. Music was something he had always dreamed of doing for the rest of his life. Ever since his grandfather had first shown him how to play the guitar, the melodies had wrapped their whimsical tunes around his heart and made themselves stay. It was fascinating to him how playing a couple of strings could produce such music that could move souls and bring smiles to people’s faces.

And ever since then, he was hooked. Every chance he got, he would play the guitar even if his parents tried to pry him off it. 

They wanted him to be a doctor after all, and there was no way in hell he was going to go by their wishes. While being a doctor was great, it didn’t ignite the same spark that music did, and for Jungkook, he would rather die than live a life without his flame running ablaze.

So, against his parent’s wishes, he pursued a career in music. It wasn’t easy, of course. At first, he had no support system for his dream. His friends and teachers ridiculed and discouraged him, saying that the future was bleak and he had no hopes of making it big. But if Jungkook knew anything about himself, it would most likely have to do with the fact that he was extremely stubborn and persistent, much to the disappointment of the adults in his life. 

So he continued. He continued reaching his dreams, joining every music-related activity he could at his age until he finally met Mr. Park.

Mr. Park was a bright man who came in one day as a replacement for their music teacher, who was an old lady who stuck to the classics and had a somewhat deceiving grading system. He came into class with disheveled hair, an unkempt tie, and when he turned around to write his name on the board, the whole class laughed as they could see his heart print underpants peeking through. 

But despite his clumsiness and seemingly carefree nature, Mr. Park was a master at his craft. He was the epitome of what a music teacher should be; exceptionally skilled, eloquent, and passionate about what he did. But Mr. Park had another talent that not many knew about, which was the eye for potential.

And Mr. Park saw potential in Jungkook.

He had taken Jungkook under his wing and taught him the ropes of music life. The keys of the piano, how notes were read, how symphonies were made. And the more Jungkook learned, the more he yearned for a life surrounding music. When he voiced his wishes to Mr. Park, expecting to receive the same rejection he had always known, he was pleasantly surprised to find out that he had his support.

Mr. Park was the very first person who saw that Jungkook could have a future in music. He was the very first person who showed Jungkook that there was a path for him to take that was far better than the path his parents laid out for him. A rocky path filled with trials and tribulations but ultimately reaped great rewards in the end. 

Like a moth drawn to its flame, Jungkook was attracted to the seemingly devastating path because somehow, amid the darkness, there was hope. Hope for a happier future, a future that wasn’t filled with regret and mourning but full of triumph and satisfaction. Jungkook would be a fool not to pursue the latter.

And thus, in hopes of finally seeing the light, Jungkook decided to start his own band. 

It didn’t start off right away, though. After all, no kid at his school wanted to be part of a band that, in the eyes of their parents, was a complete waste of time. Jungkook kept his small dream hidden deep within his heart, yet even so, it still burned with an unyielding passion. Even if years passed and no opportunity for him to start a band was in sight, Jungkook didn’t give up, knowing that his persistence would one day reap great rewards.

And finally, his chance came in the form of you. 

From the very beginning, Jungkook had always thought you were strange. In a prestigious school known for being the epitome of perfection and class, you were the odd one out, sticking out like a sore thumb with your disheveled appearance and undignified manner of carrying yourself. Almost immediately, you were set to be the outcast, ridiculed by your peers for your looks and mannerisms, even if, in Jungkook’s opinion, you weren’t doing anything out of the ordinary.

Unfortunately, the world is never kind to those who are different. 

Jungkook’s phone rings from where it is laid on his bedside table, the alarm blaring loudly, causing a shift in the once serene atmosphere of his apartment. Jungkook pays it no mind at first, choosing to finish drying his hair before finally picking up the phone, voice groggy and slightly annoyed from having his peaceful morning interrupted.

“Who is it?” He hastily asks, not meaning to sound as harsh. But could he really be blamed when it was 7 AM in the morning, and he wasn’t expected to show up to any scheduled event until noon?

“Jungkook!” An exasperated voice exclaims from the other side of his phone. It was Namjoon, his manager, Jungkook, quickly concludes. Although it was rare for him to call so early in the morning, especially in such a panicked state. Perhaps he forgot to inform him of a schedule? Although that was annoying, Jungkook wouldn’t really mind. After all, work made money. But if that were the case, it would have been odd for Namjoon to be so panicked about it. The man was known for being reasonably level-headed even in times of extreme stress, so perhaps it was something else entirely. 

“Did you read the news?” Namjoon quickly adds before Jungkook could ask what was wrong. At his question, Jungkook’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, quickly sitting down on the side of his bed and grabbing his iPad from the same bedside desk, unplugging the charger along the way. 

“No,” he says as he types up the password into the Home Screen, laying his phone in between the juncture of his shoulder and ear. “Is there something I should be concerned about? I mean, it’s not like I got into a scandal or anything, right?”

Wrong.

Well, partly.

The moment Jungkook opens his Twitter, he’s surprised to see more notifications than usual. Of course, it was a given for him to have a ghastly amount of notifications as a celebrity. He did have a large fan base, after all. But the numbers on his screen far exceeded that of what he was used to, and amongst those notifications tagging his account, one article stood out amongst the rest, and the headline made his blood run cold.

“What the fuck?” He whispers, staring at the article in shock as if he couldn’t believe his eyes. “Am I seeing this right, Namjoon?”

The man on the other side of the phone is silent for a while before Jungkook hears a sigh. “Unfortunately, yes,” Namjoon says, and Jungkook can almost imagine the way he’s probably rubbing his temples together while sipping his cup of black coffee in his office out of stress and frustration

“(Y/N) is back,” he says, causing shivers to run down Jungkook’s spine. “And apparently Jungkook, she wrote a song about you.”

 The day Jungkook finally mustered up the courage to talk to you for the first time was an experience, to say the least. For what felt like years, albeit it was only a few days, Jungkook had been observing you from the sidelines, watching as you were berated by his classmates, who apparently had nothing better to do with their time. 

A part of Jungkook always felt guilty for never standing up for you. He knew you needed a friend. Someone to confide in this hellish school that made it seem as if it were every man for himself. But he was a coward, raised and molded to never take a step outside the boundaries he had set for himself, like a doll.

Although, with Mr. Park's influence, Jungkook could finally break free from his shell, even if it were just a mere few steps. 

"Here," he says nervously, handing you a carton of banana milk that he had picked up from the nearest vending machine the moment he saw you storm out of the classroom in tears. Even then, your classmates had laughed, mocking how sensitive you were, which disgusted Jungkook. Didn't they have any ounce of shame for making a person cry like that?

You look up from where you sat on the school's staircase, eyes puffy from crying so hard, a stream of tears still flowing down your face. You looked like an absolute mess, and the sight only caused Jungkook's heart to clench even more. He sat beside you, albeit a bit distanced because he couldn't help but feel awkward. This was your first conversation, after all. 

You stare at him, not entirely understanding why he would extend kindness towards you. Was this a trick of fate? Was he doing this so you would someday do his bidding in the future? The kids of this school were scary, even scarier than the monsters that hid underneath your bed or the creatures that roamed around in the dead of night. Even amidst the light, they scared you, and you were terrified that the man offering you some banana milk would be just the same. 

"You don't have to take it if you don't want to," Jungkook says, after realizing you were staring at him warily, cautious over whether or not you would accept his gift. "Sweets always cheered me up whenever I feel down, and I thought maybe it would cheer you up too!" 

If anyone were to see your interaction, they would have burst out laughing from how awkward it was. You who were wary and cautious, and Jungkook who was awkward and shy. A stark difference between your usual timid behavior and Jungkook's confident act. In fact, if anyone else were to see this, they would have never believed their eyes. 

It was odd, after all. And you knew this very well. Which was why you were so confused at Jungkook's behavior. Why was he approaching you so kindly when everyone else ridiculed and shunned you out? You were different, someone who didn't deserve to be there. An imposter, an intruder. It didn't make sense for him to act friendly. 

"Don't take this the wrong way," Jungkook continues, setting down the banana milk in the space between the two of you as he fiddled with his fingers, a habit he had picked up over time. "I'm not doing this to mock you or make fun of you later down the line… I just really don't like the way they're treating you. It's not right."

You're stunned. Rightfully so. This was the first time someone had ever gone against what others did to you, despite him doing so behind the scenes. A weird sensation bubbles up from inside you, one you can't quite place. But what you do know is that amidst it all, there's warmth. Jungkook's words sounded genuine and sincere, not like the usual condescending tone you were used to hearing from the rest of your peers. 

He genuinely seemed to care. 

Jungkook's eyes widen in surprise when he sees you grab the carton of banana milk, opening the straw in pushing it through, taking a sip. You sheepishly stare down, not even bothering to look Jungkook in the eye before muttering. "I prefer strawberry milk… but this isn't that bad... I guess… Thanks…" 

His eyes gleam, happy that you've accepted his offering and watching with a content smile as a small smile of your own forms on your lips, a far cry from the mess you were mere moments ago. He had somehow managed to cheer you up, and that was better than anything Jungkook could ever ask for. 

"No problem. Next time I'll buy you a whole box of strawberry milk!" He exclaims, excited for what was about to unfold between the two of you. 

But he would have never expected this. 

And on this week's celebrity news: Former Vocalist of The 97, (L/N) (Y/N) debuts solo with her new single 'Move On', which fans speculate is a direct message to her ex-boyfriend and former bandmate Jeon Jungkook. 

"Fuck!" Jungkook exclaims, overcome with emotion, as he watches the news unfold in the conference room of his label. He had quickly made his way over the moment he saw the headline, confused, devastated, and most of all angry. 

What in the world were you thinking, dragging him down like that?

"Jungkook, calm down," Namjoon says from the other side of the room, trying to prevent Jungkook from destroying the room. Jungkook was strong. And if he really wanted to, he could turn the whole conference room upside down in a blink of an eye, and Namjoon really didn't want to deal with whatever consequence would follow should Jungkook actually decide that he'd destroy the conference room. 

"How the fuck do you expect me to be calm, Namjoon?" Jungkook asks, exasperated as he walks from one end of the room to the other. "This is going to ruin my fucking reputation. And it's all because that bitch is too bitter about our breakup that she decided to fucking write a song about it."

"Hey." Another voice calls out, stern and ready to scold. Jaehyun, the band's bassist, glares at Jungkook with as much disdain as he could muster, not believing the words that came out of Jungkook's mouth. "No matter how you feel about the situation. I'm not going to stand by and let you call (Y/N) a bitch. She was and still is our friend. Just because you're so caught up in your perfect reputation doesn't mean you have to bring others down in the process, Jeon." 

It was rare for Jaehyun to ever call Jungkook by his last name. The two were as close as could be, having been the best of friends for more than ten years and counting. Jungkook knew he could trust Jaehyun with his life and vice versa, so it shocked him to hear that his best friend was defending her. 

"But Jungkook has every reason to be mad, Jaehyun!" Another voice pops up, this time a more feminine one that has Jungkook's heart-melting just a bit. Eunha, his current girlfriend, and the one who was there for him when you left him. She was the band's current vocalist, and Jungkook couldn't feel any more grateful to have someone as supportive as her in his life.

"She's using a personal situation to make her more popular, all the while bringing us down in the process! There's nothing else to call her but a bitch when she's hurting the band she started with! Is that how she says thank you when the band's been nothing but good to her?

It's incredible, Jungkook thinks to himself, how he was able to find someone like Eunha. She was the most compassionate and understanding person in the world, a far cry from what you had become. Bitter, selfish, and downright ungrateful. You probably wrote that song out of spite just to get back at him when he did nothing wrong in the first place. You were crazy, and he was glad Eunha allowed him to see through all of your lies. 

"Shut the fuck up, will you?" Jungkook's eyes darted in surprise to Yugyeom, the band's drummer, who had just cursed at his girlfriend. He glares at the drummer, mad at the fact that the usual happy-go-lucky man was now acting bitter in front of his girlfriend, who had done nothing wrong. Were his bandmates woven that deep within your cruel lies?

"Excuse me, what did you just say?" Eunha asks, appalled, tears forming from the corners of her eyes, which only causes the anger within Jungkook to grow. How dare they. How dare they make Eunha cry when she was doing nothing but telling the truth?

"You heard me, Eunha," Yugyeom continues, paying no mind to the burning rage that was about to burst within Jungkook. "I said shut the fuck up. So what if (Y/N) wrote a song about Jungkook? Why does it matter? She has every right to. I mean, our next single is literally a song Jungkook wrote after the breakup, so why the fuck are you berating her for doing the same?"

"Because she's hurting our reputation!" Eunha exclaims, clearly frustrated at how Yugyeom and Jaehyun weren't getting her point. "And besides, she was the one in the wrong during the breakup. What right does she have to make a song about it?"

Jaehyun scoffs, glare intensifying, causing Jungkook to clench his fist at their hostility. "And how do you know that when you only heard Jungkook's side of the story and not (Y/N) 's? For all we know, Jungkook could also be in the wro—"

Before Jaehyun could finish his sentence, Jungkook explodes, immediately rushing over to where Jaehyun sat and grabbing him by the collar, causing the rest of the band and Namjoon to panic, trying to break them apart, while Eunha watches, scared. 

"You motherfucker," Jungkook curses, hand raised into a fist, ready to punch Jaehyun in the face with all the force he could muster. But before he could do so, Namjoon and Yugyeom immediately held him back, causing Jaehyun to let out shaky breaths as he glared at Jungkook, hurt, confused, and angry. "Why are you defending her? She was the one who hurt me! You're supposed to be my fucking best friend!"

"Maybe if you actually listened to what she had to say and what she was going through, then we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place," Jaehyun screamed back, anger slowly growing as each moment passed by. "You've always been like this Jungkook, self-centered and fucking mean. (Y/N) was right for wanting to leave."

"What did you say, you fucki—"

"Enough!" Namjoon screams, holding his ground. This had gotten out of hand, and it was beginning to stress him out, and clearly, that same stress was spreading through every single person in the room. This wasn't even supposed to be that big of a deal. All they were supposed to do was listen to the song you wrote, and come up with a statement, So why the hell did this turn into a full-blown fight?

Gosh, Namjoon needed a raise. 

"Jeon Jungkook calm the fuck down, or I'll have you on probation, you hear? The same goes for all of you. I don't want to hear any bullshit about who's right or wrong in the relationship. All I need is for us to listen to the song and figure out what we're going to tell the higher-ups. So stop acting like you're a bunch of teenagers and sit down."

Usually, Namjoon wasn't this scary. But there was a glint in his eyes that taunted the band. And they knew that in the heat of the moment, the best thing to do was to shut up and listen. Besides, he was right. The way they were going, no progress would have been made, leading to further complications. With a huff, Jungkook sits down, staring grumpily into space. He wasn't comfortable with what had just occurred, a frenzy of emotions bottling up inside him from the outburst.

Luckily for him, Eunha was quick to hold his hand into hers, soothing him enough to calm his nerves and mentally prepare himself for what was about to unfold. Because he knew he wasn't going to like it.

And true to his words, the moment Namjoon pressed play, he didn't like it. Not one bit. 

Jungkook couldn't quite pin why your song made his blood boil and heart clench. From an outsider's perspective, it was a good song. A really good song. As a musician himself, Jungkook would never deny that. You had a knack for creating some really great tunes that were out of this world, after all. It was the very thing that made him ask you to start a band with him in the first place. 

But there was just something about this piece in particular that seemed different. Your very aura was different, Jungkook concluded as he watched the video, listening to the way you screamed about how good it was that he was able to move on while you haven't. How you laced memories and fragments of your relationship and expertly wove them together to create a masterpiece that echoed into the very depths of his beating heart. 

It left a bitter taste in his mouth. Because amidst the chaos, you looked free. 

There was something beautiful about the way you were in the middle of a room up in flames, almost to the point where Jungkook knew that it was metaphorical. You liked metaphors. Jungkook remembers how long ago, when the band was just the two of you, you mentioned how metaphors brought out the beauty of the world. They made the ordinary extraordinary. They made the dull come to life. Metaphors were beauty itself, and that's precisely why you loved to play with them so much. 

It's funny to see how that part of you hadn't changed, even after how many years. 

"Jungkook?" Eunha calls out to him, a concerned look gracing over her face. "You okay?" 

Honestly speaking, Jungkook didn't know. The high of his anger had finally settled, and all Jungkook felt was a burning numbness scouring through his veins. It's laughable how mere hours ago, Jungkook was sure that today would be another great day to celebrate how amazing his life was. Yet, here he is, in the middle of a conference room, watching as you submerged yourself underwater at the last scene of your music video, feeling empty. 

He doesn't directly answer Eunha, afraid that if he were to say anything, unwanted words would slip from his lips, and he would unleash another round of chaos and hell. And he was too mentally exhausted to go through that again. So he merely nods, clasping Eunha's hand gently and sighing as Namjoon pauses the video, turning towards the group. 

"Well," Namjoon says, surveying the room to see the band's reactions. But who was he kidding? He knew damn well that the band wasn't nearly overjoyed seeing and hearing what their old friend had to say, especially Jungkook. The poor kid looked lost. "That's that. It looks too vague to be considered a song catered to Jungkook, so I'll inform the higher-ups that it has nothing to do wi--"

Suddenly, Jungkook stands up, causing a deafening silence to befall once more as everyone watches him with cautious eyes, afraid of what he was about to do. 

"I'm going to get a drink," is all he says, moving to head out the door. No one really says anything in protest, Yugyeom and Jaehyun still feeling the aftermath of the previous fight. Only Eunha seemed to be visibly bothered, scoffing at the rest of the team's reactions before quickly latching on to Jungkook's arm. 

"Babe, it's still early in the morning. At least let me accompany you?" She asks, that hopeful glint burning brightly in her eyes, to the point that it makes Jaehyun recline back in his seat uncomfortably, not liking the way she seemed so unnatural. You were never like that. And while Jaehyun knew it was wrong to make comparisons, he couldn't help it. 

You were his best friend just as much as Jungkook was. 

"I'll go alone," is all Jungkook whispers, shrugging Eunha off who is about to protest, but Namjoon is quick to shut her up with a gentle hand on her shoulder, shaking his head when she tries to chase after him. Jungkook needed to settle down and sort his thoughts through if he ever wanted a chance at getting through this situation with you. 

And maybe, just maybe, he could finally make amends. 

“Do you have a dream?”

This was the question that started it all, Jungkook supposed. He remembers the very day you asked him that one decisive question that, looking back, changed both of your lives. For good or for worse, Jungkook wasn’t sure. But as he reminisces the memories of the past and tries to figure out where everything went wrong, he couldn’t help the gut-wrenching feeling that settles within him. It’s so upsetting, in fact, that the moment Jungkook arrives in the pub across the street, he immediately drowns himself in a bottle of soju. 

The two of you were spending the lunch break in the empty stairwell, the same place where the two of you first met and the same place where the two of you gradually started to hang out. It was a quiet space, free from the condescending eyes of the perfection-seeking kids you called classmates. It was a space where you and Jungkook could be free, even for just a little while. 

Sipping on his banana milk, Jungkook looks at you curiously. You were staring at the strawberry milk he had bought you, fiddling with it nervously, not even bothering to look him in the eye. He wonders what goes on through your mind, what thoughts dance around within its hollow crevices, shaking you up and causing you to become a nervous wreck. Especially when the question wasn’t as bad as you were probably thinking. 

“Hmm, do you want the honest answer or the answer everyone wants to hear?” He asks back, looking up at the ceiling. For an elite school, they didn’t do well to maintain the more hidden areas. Was that a sign that they really didn’t care about things that weren’t relevant to them? Maybe. Maybe not. Jungkook didn’t particularly care. It was just more bearable t stare at the ceiling than sit in awkward silence, 

“Honest,” you say after a few moments, much more confident than a few moments ago. After hanging out with you for a few months and observing you within the silence of your conversations, Jungkook somehow knows that no matter what he’d do, you would forever be shy. Regardless if you knew someone well or not, the first moments of conversation would always be parallel to a first meeting. It was a curious thing, honestly. But it was more intriguing once he realized that your confidence grew the more you spoke. 

In a way, it was kind of cute. 

“I wanna make music,” Jungkook says after snapping himself out of his trance. He once again averts his gaze from yours, but this time it wasn’t to avoid silence, but rather to think, to immerse himself in his thoughts. Because this was the first time, someone had asked him what he truly wanted to do with life. The first time someone wanted an honest answer from him, not a polished response set up to please his parents and peers. 

“Not the classical kind, though,” he continues, smiling softly to himself. “Not really fond of it as much as you think.” From the corner of his eyes, Jungkook can see you gaping at him in surprise, and it causes him to chuckle. You were never really expressive beyond the weary walls of the seemingly abandoned stairwell. To the rest of the student body, you were expressionless. Someone who took all the beatings and ridicules with a blank face. As if you were a doll, waiting to be ruined. 

But here, you were much more alive. Much more expressive than Jungkook was used to seeing. It was as if the (Y/N) beyond the worn steps of the stairwell was an entirely different person. A mask you placed upon yourself to protect your heart from the cruel reality you had come to face. And Jungkook was more than fascinated at the fact that you had brought that mask down for him. 

“If I could, I’d do rock, maybe even some metal If I got enough courage,” he continues, smiling to himself unknowingly giddy at the sight of you. “There’s just something different about it, you know? The music runs through your system and gets you all hyped up; you just can’t resist it. And when the beat drops, it’s as if your emotions are on an all-time high, and it weirdly makes you kind of free. It made me realize that this was what music was supposed to be, I guess.”

“Wow,” you mutter, after staying within the silence of your initial awe. “That’s... poetic.” Jungkook laughs at the look of disbelief in his face, shooting his empty carton of banana milk in the air and watching in satisfaction as it lands straight into the empty trash can just right down the corner before turning to you, a grin high on his lips. 

“Oh, come on,” he whines, rolling his eyes playfully. “Why do you sound so surprised? Do I not look like I’d be a good musician?”

“It’s not that!” You quickly exclaim in your defense, flailing your arms in the air to avert Jungkook’s thoughts about the situation. Unbeknownst to you, Jungkook was only joking, highly amused at your reactions, wanting to see more. “I just assumed you’d be more into sports, you know, since you’re so good at it? If you ask me, you kind of look like you’d do well in either football or basketball… so I just kind of assumed that was what you wanted to actually pursue. Not that wanting to pursue music is a bad thing! It’s great, it’s just that rock is kind of unexpected....” 

You were beginning to ramble at this point, the shy sheep from within you bursting forth as you fiddled with your thumbs nervously, anxious to see Jungkook’s reaction. Would he be mad at you for assuming things about him off the bat? Probably not, right? You did initiate the conversation by asking him what his dream was, after all. Wait, maybe this was your fault. Gosh, you should have just asked any other question that wasn’t as deep. 

This friendship thing was too difficult for your liking. 

As you bury yourself in your thoughts, Jungkook couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. It was small at first, almost going unheard by you who was so deeply consumed by the matters of your mind, but the more Jungkook laughed, the louder he got until he was full-on cackling, much to your dismay, confusion, and shock. 

“What’s so funny?” You ask frantically, trying to make sense of his actions. Did you say something wrong? As far as you knew, you hadn’t, but what if you had and accidentally crossed the line? You hoped not. You really didn’t want to screw any chance you had at having a real, genuine friend. But to your dismay, your questions remain unanswered as Jungkook continues to laugh, almost as if he wasn’t planning on stopping anytime soon. 

“Hey!” You exclaim, pouting. “Stop laughing at me, Jungkook!”

“I-i’m sorry,” He says after a few more laughs, trying to wipe the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes. “I couldn’t help it,” He laughs again, although this time, it seems as if he’s calmed down, sporting a cheeky smile. “Your reactions are just something else!”

Jungkook watches as you become flustered, once more, much to his fascination and amusement. He’s never been the teasing type, or more like, he’s never had the opportunity to become the teasing type, especially with the perfect image he had to curate in front of his peers. But he liked this. He liked being friends with you. It made him all the more free. 

“What about you?” He suddenly asks after a while, feeling that it was high time to cut you some slack. You look up at him in confusion as if you had entirely forgotten why this entire conversation had happened in the first place. “Do you have a dream?”

It’s silent, yet this time, Jungkook notes, the silence is uncanny. It’s not the same comfortable silence that Jungkook is used to whenever he was hanging out with you. It was as if the silence had suddenly crashed down and enveloped the cheery atmosphere in its deceitful arms. A trap, if you will. 

And Jungkook was unsure whether he wanted to break free from it or stay there with you. 

But you take the first step, finally looking up to meet him in the eyes, and Jungkook can feel his heart sink just a tad bit from how empty and solemn they were. “I don’t think so,” is all you say, brushing off the concerned look on Jungkook’s face with a smile. “I’ve never really given it much thought. That’s why I asked,” you chuckle halfheartedly, staring up at the ceiling. “Although I think it would be nice,” you say, smiling a bit more genuinely. “You know, to have a dream?”

Jungkook doesn’t know what to say. How was he supposed to react to that, anyway? No matter how difficult his life was, he had always had a dream. It kept him going, made him push through no matter the difficulty. Dreams were the driving force of life. The hope amidst the darkness. To not have a dream, even just a small one, rattled Jungkook. 

It terrified him because now Jungkook realized that he knew nothing about you despite you being his first friend. He didn’t know the reason why you decided to become a living doll in the eyes of others. He didn’t understand why you subjected yourself to such suffering when, from the small talks you and Jungkook had with each other, you seemed to have a loving family. 

He wanted to help you, to be there for you. Because he wasn’t sure whether or not you were actually feeling lost. That’s what friends were for, right? Jungkook wasn’t exactly sure on how to do this whole friendship thing, but if there was one thing he did know, it was the fact that friends helped each other. 

And Jungkook would be damned if he couldn’t help you in any way that he could.

Soju bottles littered the lone table that Jungkook sat upon. At this point, he wasn’t sure how many bottles he had drunk, but it sure was many, more than he could handle if he were, to be honest, but amidst his drunken state, he just couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

Why was he acting like this anyway? 

He was supposed to be happy. His band was one of the most successful ones out there. He had thousands, if not millions of fans, who supported him in everything he did. So why, just why was this insignificant matter affecting him so greatly?

Was it because it was you?

“Dear, are you alright?” The old woman, running the pub asks, concerned as she sets down a piping hot bowl of warm hangover soup, which has Jungkook’s mouth watering to the point where drool almost seeps out, mainly because he only had a bite of a sandwich on his way to the office which Eunha forcibly made him eat. But even so, he couldn’t bring himself to eat, especially with the array of emotions that were burning deep within him. “Do you need me to call someone for you?”

Jungkook stays silent, not even bothering to respond to the old lady, who only grows wearier at the lack of response. He didn’t mean to be rude. It was just that he couldn’t find the strength to actually do anything but wallow in his own misery. His thoughts were going on haywire, with no place to land in sight. 

What had he done to deserve this? He was sure he had done nothing wrong, so why were you doing this to him when all he had done was, be nothing but nice to you? He had supported you ever since the beginning, and this was how you repaid him?

He doesn’t notice how the old lady leaves to call someone from the company, despite him not saying anything. It was probably for the best anyway. He was too out of it to even ask for help. The old lady was right and kind for going out of her way to do this for him. Although it made sense, after all, this specific pub was where Jungkook had been drinking ever since he had reached adulthood. 

Maybe she would call Namjoon? It was likely, but Jungkook hoped not. He was sure that if Namjoon were to see his sorry state, he would scold him until his ears bled out. Although he couldn’t really blame Namjoon, if any manager were to see their client drinking away their woes like he was, they would probably freak out. Primarily since he was known for drinking at most two bottles. Jungkook just really didn’t want to deal with Namjoon right now, especially after what had transpired earlier. 

He hoped that she would call Eunha. Sweet, loveable Eunha, who was there for him when the shitshow that was his breakup with you went down. Even until now, Jungkook was still in the dark of why you had left him and the band, but Eunha was the one who stayed by his side. Ever since he had met her two years ago when she first entered the company, they had become the best of friends. And now she was his girlfriend, and he couldn’t be happier. 

All of a sudden, a familiar voice wafts through the empty pub. One that has Jungkook’s head whipping everywhere it could to figure out where it was coming from. It was sweet, melodic even. But at the same time, it had a hint of melancholy and freedom? Why was the voice so familiar? Where had he heard it before? 

Jungkook’s eyes darted around, trying to see if he could spot the culprit behind his dilemma until they finally landed on the wide TV that sat in the middle of the pub, presumably for their customer’s enjoyment. And lo and behold, in his eyes, he sees you. 

It was a local music show where famous stars would often find themselves performing to promote their new music. He assumed you were there to perform your new single, the one song that had him sitting here broken and destroyed with pride in your chest. Did you enjoy this?

Did you enjoy knowing that he was broken because of you?

He hated it. He hated how bright your smile was the moment he caught sight of the camera focusing on you as the hosts began their interview. You were brilliant, cheery, happy. And it sickened Jungkook to the core. Why did it seem like you were doing fine when he was here all bothered? How selfish could you possibly be? 

But as much as it hurts him, he can’t find it in himself to look away. It’s a strange sensation that Jungkook couldn’t quite explain. Why couldn’t he avert his eyes from you when all he’s been feeling today was pain? It didn’t make sense. But honestly, Jungkook couldn’t tell what made sense anymore. 

He watches you sing, hearing those blasted lyrics that made him rage just mere moments ago. Yet, this time, the lyrics made his heart clench. Perhaps it was the fact that your performance seemed more genuine because you were singing live. But why? Why were you singing those lyrics as if they had genuinely happened to you? Jungkook never caused you any pain, so why did it seem as if you were hurting more than him? 

The thoughts were too much. It was driving Jungkook crazy, and all he wanted to do was drown in them. He didn’t want to think. Thinking heightened the pain that brimmed deep within his chest. He just wanted to float in the ocean of his misery and stay there, hoping that someday he would land ashore and the pain would come to an end. 

Maybe if he took one more shot, it would help? 

He pours down the last remaining soju into his shot glass, not caring if it overflowed and spilled out on the table. Rationality was far out of his mind at this point. All Jungkook wanted to do was do anything that would make him feel numb. 

He raises the glass shakily, ready to feel the burning sensation of the alcohol run down his throat, that temporary relief that made him sink deep down into this endless cycle of emptiness. Yet, it doesn’t happen. 

A hand shoots down to stop his wrist. It’s a familiar yet unfamiliar hold, something Jungkook can’t quite place. Where has he felt this hold before? He looks up, his eyesight a bit blurry from his drunken state, so he squints, trying to see clearly. 

Who was it? Namjoon? Eunha? Heck, Jaehyun?

Turns out it was none of them. 

When his sight finally clears, he gasps in shock, breath hitching in his throat as he takes it all in. Because the person, whose hold was familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time, wasn’t his manager, nor was it his girlfriend or best friend. 

It was you. 

The person, the old lady, had called to get him was you. 

Well, Jungkook be damned. 

When you got the call from the old lady, you were on your way to your new studio after finishing up a schedule you had prior. The past few weeks have been busy for you. Leaving the band and Jungkook was no easy feat. It was a decision that you knew was a high-risk, high reward yet at the same time had higher chances of failure. 

After all, even if you hated to admit it. Without the band, you had nothing. 

Sure, there was the fame that came with all of the band’s success. You were the vocalist, after all. It was exhilarating knowing that millions out there would be listening to your voice, singing music you created with people you loved dearly. But in the midst of all of that, there was nothing. 

Jungkook, Jaehyun, and Yugyeom had everything going on for them. A backup plan in case the band didn’t succeed. A plan B, if you will. It made sense. They had privilege dripping from the palms of their hand, after all. Even if they had their own troubles and doubts, they didn’t have to worry about finding another way out because there already was a path laid out for them in the beginning. 

You went into all of this, risking everything. 

It was a choice that you had seemingly made on impulse if an outsider were to look back at the situation. When Jungkook had asked you to start a band with him, it was during another one of your many lunch dates, as you two had jokingly called it. Only this time, the two of you weren’t sitting on the cold and empty stairwell, but instead, you were in the old music room. 

“I can’t believe this,” Jungkook mumbles to himself as he cranks the rusted door of the old music room open. People barely used it nowadays, much to his disbelief yet relief at the same time. He couldn’t blame them though, the brand new music room was much more enchanting, filled with top-of-the-grade musical instruments than anyone would drool over. 

Well, at least it meant that he could have autonomy over the room (even though that wasn’t really the case). “You’re telling me that you never heard rock or metal before?” He gapes in disbelief as he sits on one of the dusty desks, looking at you with an outraged expression. You sheepishly enter behind him, taking a sip of your drink as you took a seat beside him. 

“You never asked,” is all you say, shrugging. Jungkook looks at you once more incredulously, as if he couldn’t believe his eyes and ears. “That’s because I assumed you would have known what rock and metal are! They’re like the greatest music genres of all time. How can you not know it?”

You shrug once more, not really having an answer. Well, you did, but it was probably stupid. After all, if this was his reaction to you not knowing about rock and metal. What would his response be if he were to find out that the only music you’d ever listened to was classical and nursery rhymes? Yeah, probably not a good idea. 

“Well, get ready then,” he exclaims, bringing out his phone, much to your surprise. Model student and Mr. Perfect Jeon Jungkook breaking a school rule? Who would have thought that you’d ever lived to see the day? “Because you’re about to experience an awakening, I tell you. A revolution!”

It’s amusing, really. You had never seen Jungkook as passionate as he was at the moment. Was this what it was like to have a dream? His eyes lit up as if sparkles were floating around him. As if he were about to step on cloud nine and enter paradise. He was bouncing his leg lightly in excitement, a goofy smile on his face that kind of reminded you of a bunny. 

Maybe having a dream wouldn’t be so bad, after all. 

He immediately scoots over to you once he has his phone ready, grabbing his earphones and plugging it into his phone, handing you the other ear. You hold it, a small smile on your face, and hook it unto your ear, not really knowing what to expect but excited all the same. After all, this was the music that made your best friend passionate and hopeful for the future. For sure, it wouldn’t be bad, right? 

Well, to say the least, it was an experience. An experience you couldn’t quite tell if you enjoyed or couldn’t fathom. It was entirely different from the music that you were used to. From the bright and soothing tones came ones that were heavy and thundered on your ears. Yet, in a way, it was exhilarating. 

You could see why Jungkook was attracted to this style of music. In a way, it was unhinged, a little more rebellious than the traditional types of music you were used to. But that didn’t mean it was worse. In fact, that’s what made it more exciting. Jungkook was right. In those few minutes that he had introduced you to the world of rock, you’ve gone through an array of emotions, from confusion to thrill and excitement of the highest level. The rollercoaster of new sensations was, to say the least, intoxicating, 

Because immediately you got hooked. 

“Wow,” you mutter, looking up at Jungkook, who was looking back at you with lively eyes. “That was… something else.” 

“Right?!” He exclaims, immediately jumping off the desk to grasp your hands in excitement; it was endearing to see. Jungkook rarely got riled up like this. Music truly brought out the best in him, you thought to yourself, watching as he continued to dangle your hands in his. “Isn’t rock just amazing? Oh, what I’d do to pick up an electric guitar and play,” He sighs, and you can tell from the far-away look on his face that he’s daydreaming about something and the sight warms your heart. 

“You should,” is all you say, startling Jungkook out of his trance. “I think you’d do absolutely great in music, Jungkook! You should go for it.” Jungkook looks at you, stunned. He blinks, trying to process what you had just said, before clasping your fingers a bit tighter, unsure of himself. 

“Really?” He mutters softly, “You really think I can do it?”

“Of course,” you encourage with a bright smile. “If it’s you, then you can do anything!”

It’s silent for a moment, with Jungkook deep in thought. But you don’t necessarily mind, as more than anything, you understood the weight of your words. Being Jungkook’s friend meant that you stuck by him through a lot of undesirable moments, moments that both of you promised to never speak of unless it was absolutely necessary. 

You knew how much he longed for his dreams. Ever since that rather inspiring conversation you had around a week ago, you knew just how much Jungkook bottled up his true passions and desires, even though there were moments wherein he would freely let them out. 

“Then you have to be there with me,” he says, eyes filled with determination. “I don’t think I can do this without you (Y/N).”

Looking back at it, you chuckle at how swooned you were with Jungkook’s words. It was crazy to think that he had swept you off your feet with a mere ten words that ultimately decided the course of a good chunk of your life. You let him, and for that, you were to blame, But that didn’t necessarily mean that you regretted your decision in its entirety. 

Suddenly, your phone rings from beside you, and you grab it from where it lay in your purse, only to see an old number that you hadn’t seen in a while. It’s been a year, you think, as you accept the call, pressing your phone to your ear. “Hello?”

“(Y/N) dear! It’s been such a long time!” You smile at the cheery sound present within the old lady’s voice, although you can’t deny that you hear a twinge of worry within it. You used to go to her pub every so often back when you were still in the band. And the old lady had been such a sweet soul, acting as some sort of parental figure to you and your bandmates through the years. 

“It’s good to hear from you again,” you mutter, pleasantly surprised at her sudden call but also a bit suspicious because you had no idea what she was calling for. “May I ask why you’re calling me?”

“Ah!” The old lady exclaims, and suddenly the initial chirp present within her fades into a frantic tone that has your eyebrows furrowing in confusion, not sure what to expect. “Do you mind picking up your boyfriend?”

You blink, confused and startled. “I’m sorry,” you say, still not processing it clearly. “What was that?”

You hear a sigh from the other side of the phone. It sounds tiring, exasperated even, Which shouldn’t be the case since the pub usually opens up later at night. It was only open during the day for company employees. And what sane person would cause trouble with this much sunlight out? 

“Your boyfriend dear,” the old lady continues, sounding absolutely done, yet at the same time, the concern was still there, and you swear you hear the sound of glass falling in the back, causing your eyebrows to furrow in worry. “He’s been drinking for hours, and this is more than he’s ever drunk!”

You stay silent, letting it all sink in. The only person she could have possibly been referring to was Jungkook. There was no doubt about that. After all, the old lady’s pub was where you and Jungkook would often find yourselves having late-night rendezvous, drinking the night away as you bonded over whatever life was throwing at you within those moments. 

But now, the pub gave you nothing but pain. 

“Grandma, I’m sorry to tell you this, but me and Jungkook aren’t—”

“—So you’ll come, yes? Thank you, dear! Truly a lifesaver!” 

She hangs up. You stare at your phone in disbelief, shocked at the predicament you had unknowingly gotten yourself into. What were you supposed to do now? The responsible thing to do was to probably phone Namjoon and tell him about the situation. But with what had just transpired earlier today with the release of your single last night and your performance this morning, you’re not so sure he would appreciate any sort of contact from you. 

With a sigh, you turn to head towards the pub. No matter how much you hated Jungkook for the way he treated you within the last few stages of your relationship, you couldn’t leave him alone to wallow in his misery (even though there was a part of you that was secretly glad that he was torn because of you). It would be too cruel of you. Especially considering that Jungkook had been a significant part of your life. 

Huh, guess you haven’t moved on as much as you thought you had. 

Even just reaching the pub brought back memories that you wish wouldn’t resurface. You and Jungkook used to wrestle over who would open the door for the other, and more often than not, Jungkook won. But you weren’t one to lose quickly, even to him. 

The familiar jingle that came with opening the door brought a pang of nostalgia to your heart. When you and Jungkook would enter the pub, just ten seconds after the jingle faded away, the old lady would come out of her quaint kitchen and say

“Welcome home— Oh, there you are, dear!”

Not exactly how you remembered it, but it was still familiar all the same. 

“Hello grandma, how are you?” You greet with a solemn smile, watching with fond eyes as the old lady comes up to clasp your hands within her own. “Oh dear, I haven’t seen you in forever. Why haven’t you visited in so long?” 

You’re not sure what to say. How are you supposed to tell her that you left and broke up with the man she asked you to pick up? That would put her in an awkward position, and you didn’t want to cause stress for the already weary lady. 

“Oh, never mind that,” she says, luckily dropping the subject. “Come in, come in, your boyfriend’s over there drinking in the corner. Did something happen? I’ve honestly never seen him drink this much before. At this rate, he’s going to finish my soju supply before I open up for the night!” 

You enter the main area, and immediately you’re hit with the familiar, comforting scent of alcohol and home-cooked meals, as odd as it sounds. Although the smell of alcohol was by far heavier in the air, and as you turn to look for the source, your eyes land in Jungkook.

And you’re, for lack of a better word, shocked.

It was almost as if he was drowning in an ocean of soju bottles, with some of the alcohol dripping off the table and into the ground or his clothes. Partly because he was pouring himself another shot, which you know he can’t take.

He could barely handle two bottles when the two of you were dating, so why did it feel like he was drinking more than ten. If he wasn’t stopped now, something majorly damaging could happen to him, and as much as you never wanted to speak to him, you couldn’t just ignore him when he was literally on the brink of life and death.

You stomp on over to where he’s at, hastily quickening your steps as he’s about to down his last shot, and before you can even think about what to do, your instincts act on their own, and your hand reaches out to him, stopping him.

No words are spoken. Rather, you can’t find the words to say as you watch with solemn eyes as Jungkook looks at his hand confused. He tries to shake it, to move his arm so he can bring the shot glass to his lips, but you remain firm in your grip, clasping just a bit harder so he wouldn’t push through with the shot. 

He looks around, following the trail left by your grasp until he meets your eyes, and already you can feel the whirlwind of emotions bubbling up inside you. This was the first time you and Jungkook have met after the breakup after leaving the band. You never expected the two of you to meet this way. Although, you supposed life was funny like that. It liked to throw unexpected situations in your face, especially in the most inappropriate times.

You watch as he squints, trying to make sense of who you were before he gasps, arm slacking, falling into the side as the alcohol from the shot glass splatters into the air. He squints once more as if trying to ensure that what he was seeing in front of him was real before stammering. 

“(Y/N)?” He whispers, broken, voice breaking. You try not to let your emotions show, knowing that if you do, he’d only lure you back into him, which was something you did not want at all. You were done. After many months, heck years of being torn apart by him, you couldn’t afford any more pain. It would break you even more than it already did, 

“Hey,” you whisper back, breath hitching as you watch the way Jungkook’s eyes widen at the sound of your voice, loud and clear for him to hear. Even with his drunken state, he can’t deny the pang of nostalgia that runs through his veins once he finally registers that it’s you standing before him. In the flesh. Not a vision on TV or a picture of you from his memories. 

It was you. 

“What are you doing here?” He slurs, trying to reach out to you, but you move away, refusing him any form of affection. Because you two were too far gone for that. 

“Grandma called,” is all you say, the disappointed look in Jungkook’s eyes not going unnoticed. “Asked me to pick you up. Said you’ve been drinking more than you used to and… I can see that.”

You gesture to the empty soju bottles that littered the table with a grimace, turning back to Jungkook only to hear him scoff and point a finger to you accusingly, although with his drunken state, his posture was way off. “Who do you think’s to blame?” He asks, sarcasm laced within his tone. You raise an eyebrow at that, choosing to let him continue before you could offer back any sarcastic remark of your own. 

“It’s you!” He continues, slamming his fist to the table, much to your surprise. “You and your stupid fucking song…. I mean, what the fuck is up that?”

“What the fuck is up with what, Jungkook?” You quip back, eyeing his fist cautiously in the case he would do something dangerous that would either injure him, you, or if worse comes to worst, both. 

“Don’t play dumb with me,” He continues, and Jungkook can feel the irritation, frustration, and fatigue build within him now that he’s finally gotten a chance to let all these raging emotions out. “You know what you did! Why’d you do it, huh?” His voice grows louder, causing you to flinch as you move your chair back just a bit. 

“Why’d you have to ruin my fucking reputation?” 

All of a sudden, it’s like something in you snaps. 

You can’t believe it. You can’t believe the audacity Jungkook had to say something as outrageous and stupid as what he just said. The emotions that were already burning up within you finally exploded as you stared at him with all the anger and disbelief you could muster. 

And here you thought he was drinking because he had finally realized all the wrongs he had done to you. What a fool you were. 

“Excuse me?” You say, exasperated. “What did you just fucking say?”

“I said what I said (Y/N),” Jungkook continued, not noticing the way rage was about to take you into its waiting arms, only to allow you to explode upon him with all the pent-up hurt that you’ve accumulated inside you. “You and your fucking song ruined the band any my reputation. Is this how you repay me after everything I’ve done for you?”

You blink. The words slowly make their way towards you as you try to process them, letting out a chuckle at how ridiculous his words were. “Are you being serious right now?” You say, scoffing at how there wasn’t an inch of regret on Jungkook’s face. “You’ve got to be joking, right?”

You want to give him the benefit of the doubt. You want to give him a chance to prove your ears, mind, and heart wrong. That he wasn’t actually thinking those absurd thoughts that had your gut-wrenching and your heartbreaking after already being broken. This couldn’t be the Jungkook that you knew, right? He wouldn’t be this cruel, right? 

“Do I look like I’m joking?” 

“You piece of shit.” You spat without even realizing it, surprising Jungkook. He’s sobered up just a little from your outburst, looking at you like a deer caught in headlights. For a moment, you regret speaking without any thought. But the more you try to rationalize it, the more the anger burns. This was unacceptable. 

“Reputation?” You scoff, looking at him incredulously. “You’re fucking worried about your reputation when there are bigger issues to be addressed here?” 

“(Y/N) I—”

“Shut up, Jungkook,” you say, cutting him off coldly. “You don’t get a say in this when all you’re worried about is your reputation over a broken relationship with someone you’ve grown up with for the past thirteen years!” 

Wide-eyed, Jungkook gapes at you, and you, in your disgruntled state, take this chance to get back at him, unleashing all the feelings you’ve buried deep inside you. 

“You dare ask me why I’m treating you this way when you’ve been nothing but nice to me?” You mock, his words hurting more than they should. “Do you even bother to ask yourself as to why I broke up with you in the first place, Jungkook? Why I left? Did you even bother to listen to my song?” 

His silence echoes throughout the pub, further shattering any lingering hope that you had about the situation. “No,” he says after a while, firm in his belief as he stared back at you, although his gaze seemed as if it could easily water away. “Didn’t think it was necessary; after all I did nothing wro—”

“—You treated me like shit for the last two years of our relationship, Jungkook. That’s what you did wrong.” You exclaim, not wanting to hear his excuses. “Are you really this blind to not know? To not see your own faults?”

How could he? You think to yourself, the unbearable pain of this revelation thrumming through every fibre of your being. It was painful. Painful to hear that he hadn’t even thought about the situation through your lens. He was too absorbed with what he had going for himself that he failed to see the world through your eyes, and it frustrated you to no end.

Because that breakup broke you like no other. 

Choosing to leave wasn’t an easy decision, by no means. You had risked everything to help support Jungkook in hopes that you would find a dream of your own. You joined the band, knowing that you would put your family’s safety and security at risk instead of pursuing a more stable career like starting a business or becoming a doctor.

You became selfish to follow Jungkook, so of course, you were attached. 

Jungkook, in a sense, was your world. You suppose, looking back at it now, that wasn’t the healthiest decision you took for yourself. But at that time, you could not help yourself. He was your first friend, your first love, your first everything. Jungkook showed you the ways of the world and then shattered it without a care. Of course, more than any other breakup, it would tear you apart.

Because to be honest, loving Jungkook made you happy. You remember when he first asked you out. Probably one of the best moments of your entire life. It happened after your band’s first major gig to open up the local summer festival. The two of you were still calming down from the high of the performance, excited, thrilled to have finally been given the opportunity in front of a bigger crowd. It felt surreal seeing the fascinated faces and happy smiles as they listen to your music.

Jungkook was right. This feeling was incredible.

“Holy shit. That was amazing,” Jaehyun laughs, hugging Yugyeom before turning to hug you and Jungkook. “I can’t believe we just did that!” 

“Do you think they liked us?” Yugyeom, ever the timid one asks. “I felt like I made a mistake somewhere along the second cho—“

“—Who cares, man?” Jungkook says, cutting Yugyeom off with a playful slap to the back. “We just fucking performed our first major gig. This isn’t time to be wallowing down on our mistakes. This is a time to celebrate!” 

You and Jaehyun hollered in agreement, following Jungkook as he dragged Yugyeom backstage where the four of you packed up, took a few commemorative pictures, and made your way towards the nearest convenience store to celebrate the night with some good old ramen, ice cream, and whatever your hearts desired.

It was a fun night, one filled with laughter as the four of you joked about whatever your mind could think of. Jungkook boasted about how he was right about their band getting somewhere, of how Jaehyun and Yugyeom, who were much more hesitant in joining the band, and after months of no progress, we’re beginning to regret it, had nothing to worry about. 

Jaehyun and Yugyeom even mustered up the courage to do a speed eating challenge, grabbing about her round of hot piping ramen and racing to see who could eat it the fastest, despite the heat burning their tongues both literally and figuratively.

It was a night where for once, the four of you didn’t have to worry about life outside of the band. Didn’t have to worry about the social pressure from school or home, Didn’t have to worry about stupid tests or becoming the best, for once the four of you could just be yourselves. Unapologetic and free.

When Jaehyun and Yugyeom decided to pack it up and head home, saying that if they didn’t arrive before their dreaded curfew, then their parents would literally send them to the pits of hell, you didn’t notice the way Jungkook grew silent. Maybe you did, but you were too preoccupied with the nauseated looks on Jaehyun and Yugyeom’s faces as they headed towards the public restroom to flush out the ramen in their system. 

“Hey (Y/N)?” Jungkook asks once Jaehyun and Yugyeom are nowhere to be seen. You hum in response, turning to look back at him, and immediately your eyes become overwhelmed with worry at the serious look on his face as he gazes up at the night sky, seemingly nervous and scared.

“Will you go out with me?”

It’s unexpected, a bomb to your heart if you could call it. You gasp the moment the words flow out of his mouth, staring at Jungkook in shock. Did he really just ask you out? 

You think it’s a joke. A cruel trick of nature. But by the way, Jungkook nervously fidgets from where he sits, and his eyes nervously dart around. Like they usually do during nerve-wracking situations like these, you knew in your heart that his words were true.

And you couldn’t be more overjoyed because you had fallen for Jeon Jungkook too. 

Throughout your many years of friendship, you had gotten to know Jungkook inside out. You were there when he threw a mini tantrum over missing first place in the final exam by one point, knowing that his parents would be disappointed in him. You were there when the two of you went out to buy his first-ever electric guitar after months of saving up money secretly. You were there for him when he was convincing Jaehyun and Yugyeom to join the band, even when he was about to get into a fight with Jaehyun over the matter.

And like clockwork, you had fallen.

It wasn’t particularly hard to do so. Jungkook had this certain charm to him, after all. He was an enigma. He could draw people into his rhythm like it was nothing and have them follow to the beat of his own drum. Sometimes you wondered if there was a hidden secret with the way he could so easily attract people, but the more you hung out, the more you realized that wasn’t the case at all. He was genuine in everything he did.

“Yes,” you say without hesitation, causing Jungkook to whip his head to face you in the blink of an eye, mouth slacking in shock. He blinks, you smile, and suddenly a smile of his own is forming on his face, reaching all the way into his eyes. 

“For real?” He whispers, not wanting this moment to slip away from his grasp. He was so close to having you in his arms, something he’s wanted for the longest time, that he was afraid that if he spoke any louder, he would ruin any chance he got. But your reassuring gaze and gentle hold immediately calm the raging wave of anxiety within him. “For real,” you affirm, and suddenly you’re in Jungkook’s embrace. 

It’s a warm embrace, one that has you returning it back with the same vigor, the same excitement bubbling in your chest. This marked the beginning of a new chapter for you and Jungkook, one where the two of you would walk down the unclear path you have chosen, still remaining by each other’s side, but this time, with hands intertwined.

You just wished it didn’t go up into flames like this.

You blink, snapping out of your trance as you gaze at Jungkook. Once more, seeing the way his lips were pursed into a thin line, his brows furrowed as if he had a lot going on through his mind. Which was only fitting. He had to, or else this wave of hurt and pain would only intensify and turn into something you would never be able to control. 

Remembering the happy moments was something you had promised yourself not to do, for it only brought you into another world of pain after looking at how the two of you were faring now. But in the midst of agony staring right at you, you couldn’t help but let yourself reminisce in hopes of relieving some of that anger and hurt so you wouldn’t do anything out of hand. 

“Tell me, Jungkook,” you finally say after a moment of silence, and you want to curse yourself for the way your voice cracks at the end. You had to be strong. You had to get through this. Because there was no way, you were going to let Jungkook ruin you once more. “How do you think our relationship was going within the last two years?”

Silence befalls the room for what feels like the millionth time, But this one is heavier than the last. Jungkook looks at you with such a severe gaze that you almost falter, forgetting the fact that he’s drunk with the way his eyes bore into yours. 

You dread his answer, not knowing what to expect. With the way, he was acting, and with all the things he’s said and done, you knew that his words would only hurt you even more from here on out. You clutch the fanfic of your sweater tightly, hanging on by a thread. 

But he says nothing.

The heavy silence lasts longer, and the more it persists, the more disappointment and disbelief creep into the cracked crevices of your already broken heart. Was he really going to act this way? Saying nothing at all? Did your relationship mean nothing to him in the past 2 years? 

“Unbelievable,” you mutter, letting out a scoff as your eyes scan his figure. He’s hunched up as if unsure of what to do, what to think, or what to say. There’s probably a flurry of emotions running through his mind, but you don’t pity him. You hope it continues to weigh heavy, as it did to you for the last three years. 

“I was miserable, Jungkook,” you whisper, recounting the memories you had buried deep within, afraid to open them up again at the cost of your already fragile happiness. But to be truly happy, one needs to let go of all the agony locked within. “Ever since Eunha came into our lives, you started treating me like a side character, as if I wasn’t your girlfriend.”

“And no,” you say sternly, already knowing what Jungkook was to say by the way his eyes widened and his mouth slacked, an arm up in protest for your words. “I’m not blaming Eunha entirely, contrary to what you may think. Sure, her arrival started it all. Sure, there were times where she acted so out of line that I wanted to slap her in the face n’s remind her who exactly she was talking to. But I couldn’t. Do you know why, Jungkook?” 

His eyebrows furrow in confusion, and you take a deep breath as you gather your thoughts. This was the first time you were finally going to let out all of your frustrations that’s been building up inside you for the past few years. It was a nerve-wracking feat, but a necessary one nonetheless, as even in those few moments of speaking, you were starting to feel just a bit more free. 

“Because I didn’t even know who I was anymore.”

Jungkook’s never been this confused in his life. 

It’s as if you had dropped a bomb on him without warning, causing him to be in a frenzy. What did you mean? How could you blame Eunha? Eunha was a sweet girl who could do no wrong. She was there for him whenever he needed that extra support, whenever he needed someone to ground him in this cruel, unforgiving world. 

She was there when you weren’t and was a constant in his life. How could such a sweet girl like her be the catalyst of this catastrophic situation? It had to be a joke.

“You’re lying,” he mutters, shaking his head in disbelief. The pain in his heart was coming back again, and just when he thought he had finally gotten rid of that after drowning in alcohol moments ago. This was your fault. You and your stupid song, your stupid lies. You were driving me crazy.

“I’m lying?” You ask, and Jungkook looks up to meet your eyes, feeling another burst of pain shoot through him at the agonizing expression on your face. Why did you look so hurt? He did nothing wrong. He didn’t hurt you. He couldn’t have. He had always been there for you. He was the reason you could do what you could in the first place. There was just no way that misery was because of him.

“Jungkook, did you even realize that with how much time you were spending with Eunha, you weren’t spending time with me anymore? Remember how you used to walk me home at midnight after your time at the studio and my radio show? You stopped doing that ever since she appeared.”

Lies.

“For days, I stood outside the company for hours, waiting for you to bring me home because you promised that you’d never miss it for the world. And on the day that I finally decided to check up on you, worried that you might have been overworking yourself? I see you in the studio, laughing with Eunha.”

 Jungkook wanted to scream. He was stressed. He had to make music. Why couldn’t you understand that? 

“And when I confronted you about it? You shrugged me off, saying I was overly dramatic.”

You are. Jungkook insists in his head, thoughts spiraling. What’s wrong with him not bringing you home. Even if he was your boyfriend, he was not obligated to, right? You were supposed to understand him, right? That’s what lovers are supposed to do.

“I thought to myself, maybe you were right. Maybe I was overdramatic, so I did what you asked and shrugged me off. Yet, with each passing day, it felt like I was a stranger in your eyes. Do you even realize Jungkook that ever since Eunha came into our lives, we’ve only been on three dates?” 

You’re too demanding, his mind screams. Three dates? That was plenty for successful stars of your caliber. You had to understand that being under the limelight meant that he couldn’t reserve all the time in the world for you. 

His heart clenches painfully again, and Jungkook feels a sob hitch in his throat. 

“It hurt.” You cry, letting out the words that Jungkook wanted to say. “It hurt so much watching the love of my life and my best friend toss me to the side. Where was the you that promised that you’d always be there for me? Where was the you that promised to stay?” 

You’re crying now, tears streaming down your face as the words you’ve kept hidden for the longest time finally make their way out of your system. Every part of you was screaming in agony and pain, and you can feel the mended parts of your patched-up heart slowly break again. 

“Jungkook, I loved you. I loved you so much that I risked it all for you. I joined the band even though I wasn’t sure of our future because I saw how happy you were. You showed me what happiness could be, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that, but at the same time, you showed me firsthand real pain and heartbreak. And I don’t think I can ever forgive you for doing that.” 

No. Why? You had to forgive him. You were his best friend. Stop. Stop speaking. Stop it. 

“I left because I wanted to keep what we still had within our memories.” You whisper, remembering the night you finally came to your decision. Remembering all the times you cried and broke down, not knowing what to do or where you should go. All the times where you forced yourself to put on a smile on your face and act as if everything was fine even though it wasn’t. 

“And I hoped that in leaving, we could pick up all the broken pieces and create something new with them. Maybe it would not have been a relationship as strong as the one we’ve had before. But at least it was something. And at least I would have still had a connection to you.”

You’re calm now, in a much better headspace than before. But that didn’t mean the ocean of despair that you surrounded yourself in dwindled in the slightest. It was still there, waiting in silence for the moment it could envelop you once more into its treacherous arms and drown you in its suffocating whispers. 

“But what the fuck is this?” 

You can feel the tides begin to sway, and you will yourself desperately to keep them down. With how the situation was unfolding, you needed to be the bigger person. For your sanity, For Jungkook’s, and for the closure that you both needed, which you weren’t sure would ever peacefully come to an end. 

“I never thought that you’d think of us like this Jungkook,” you whisper, and much to your horror, a tear slipped from the crevices of eyes as you hurriedly wiped them, standing up to grab your purse as you stood to leave the pub, not caring one bit if Jungkook got home safely or not, you were too overwhelmed to care. 

“I thought you loved me,” You whisper as you turn to look at him one final time, and all of a sudden, Jungkook is hit with wave after wave of sadness, anger, pain, frustration radiating from you. It suffocates him, and the only thought running through his head were questions of him hurting you? Was this really all his fault? 

“But I guess you only loved yourself.” A chuckle falls from your lips as you make your first step out of the door. Not paying mind to the old lady who looks at you with a worried gaze, you turn to open the door of the pub, only for someone else to beat you to it. 

Lo and Behold, It’s Eunha. 

“You,” She gasps as she takes in your disheveled and exhausted state. Although that immediate shock quickly disappears as she catches Jungkook’s equally petrified state from the corner of her eye. She then glares at you, but you honestly can’t find the energy within you to care.

Because this was never about her in the first place, even if in some way she plays a small part. 

“What did you do?” Eunha spats as she rushes past you to go to Jungkook, not even bothering to hear you out. You sigh, gathering the last remaining buts of courage within clenched fists, and make your way out of the door, leaving Jungkook, your broken heart, and the memories you two shared behind for good. 

Not caring what he would do with those fragments in the end. 

“Jungkook!”

Eunha exclaims, immediately hooking her arms around him and hoisting him up into an embrace. “What happened? What did that bitch do?” But Jungkook doesn’t answer, thoroughly overwhelmed by the range of emotions that had just surpassed him from his conversation with you. 

Was it truly his fault? Was he the reason why things had turned out this way? There was no way right. He had treated you right, right? 

Jungkook tries to convince himself that he’s done nothing wrong, that he was perfectly innocent in this situation. But that nagging feeling deep within his mind and soul screams at him to finally realize the truth. He’s scared. He doesn’t want to know what lies beyond the bubble of happiness he had placed himself in. He doesn’t want to feel the agonizing pain he’s put himself through without realizing it. 

But not doing so would kill him more than knowing the truth ever will. 

So he opens the door to the truth and wallows in the misery of what he’s done. 

To be fair, there was some truth to Jungkook’s words. He had treated you like you were the most precious thing in the universe. And that was because, for the longest time, Jungkook did consider you highly special to him. You were his first friend, the first person he could confide his feelings in, the first person who showed him what love could be like. 

You grew up together, cried together, had your first drink together, stood on stage for the first time together. You had done just about everything together, and Jungkook cherished you more than anything in the world. 

In everything he did, he always tried to make you a part of it. Whether that meant buying your favorite drink or sending you pictures of whatever he was doing, Jungkook always wanted to help you see the world through his eyes because you deserved that much. 

Ice cream dates, sneaking out at night to have some chicken and beer, random dates at the local arcade, a stroll at the beach. You and Jungkook had practically done it all. So, where did it all fall apart? Where did Jungkook go wrong?

“Jungkook?” Eunha calls out, and Jungkook finally musters up the courage to look at Eunha, who was worriedly trying to get him to answer her. Her hold is familiar, something he’s been used to in the past two years, yet at the same time, something was missing within her warmth. An unexplainable feeling he couldn’t quite describe.

And then he realized it wasn’t you. 

Just when did he go astray? When did he start treating you like you weren’t the world to him? For sure, it wasn’t a singular moment. It was most definitely a culmination of many events that led up to his demise. But just how did it happen? 

He looks at Eunha’s worried eyes, those same eyes that he thought meant the world to him within those two years of your break up. Yet, for some reason, he just couldn’t look at them in the same way anymore. Not when there was this hollow emptiness in his heart that called out for you and only you, 

It was like a game of tug and war in his heart. He still loved Eunha; that much was for sure. But he couldn’t deny the love that he had for you as well. He remembered how Eunha was like a breath of fresh air for him. In the midst of all your nagging for him to take care of himself when he was working his ass off making new songs and dealing with management, Eunha was there to simply smile and encourage Jungkook. 

Like a fool, he got lured into Eunha’s charm and held onto it, not noticing that he was letting go of you in the process. 

His heart wails. It cries in pain and desperation of the love it has lost. Why did it have to be this way? Why was Jungkook such a fool? So consumed by his own selfishness, he abandoned the love you two shared and sought another, and now he was reaping what he had sown. 

You were gone. You would never come back. Whatever love you had between the two of you had left and died out. The world was cruel. It had given Jungkook so much hope yet took it away from him the moment he slipped up. Yet, he couldn’t really blame them. He couldn’t really blame you. 

Because he knew you had tried, he could see it in the way your eyes still cried out in pain when you see him. He could hear it in the agony of your voice as you sang passionately in your songs. He knew you did your best to pick up the fallen pieces and try to mend them back together. But all Jungkook did was rip them apart all over again. 

Life couldn’t have been any better for Jeon Jungkook until suddenly it was not. 

And he was the only one to blame. 

© yumeyooa 2021. All rights reserved. Copying, reposting, translating, and modifying in any platform aside from a03 and tumblr or by any means is NOT permitted and will be dealt with accordingly.

➢ taglist: @wearenot7withu @nadiaislas @bbydoejk​ 

[crimson-dxwn]

At Odds Chapter 5

Summary: Kal gets the shock of a lifetime, Mij Gilamar breaks HIPAA, and Mereel Skirata is serious for once. Ori considers her choices. 

Warnings: Mando profanity, pregnancy, SPOILERS for Republic Commando books (all but the last one)

Words: enough (trying not to measure my writing by how many words I can get down on a page these days)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Keldabe, Northern Mandalore

Imperial Garrison

Summer, 18 BBY

They leave her in a sparse cell. The Empire, ever prepared it seems, has plenty of the tiny rooms built into the west wing of their new garrison. The troopers leave her to her thoughts with no inkling of how long she’ll be imprisoned here. The officer was just some pumped-up kid, there was no way any charges would stick. She was sure those trooper helmets had cameras, too. They’d be able to prove she was innocent. Or someone would find her first - Mij would notice when she didn’t show up for her shift. 

The room is large enough for her to pace three steps in each direction, just enough to fit a cot, latrine, and a small sink. And a poorly hidden camera in the upper corner near the door. Her cheekbone throbs and Ori uses the minuscule sink to splash water on the area. It’s lukewarm and does a poor job. But it’s something to do, to focus on instead of the pure panic that she can feel rising from her gut. She’s trapped here. Her comm is gone. She rubs below the cut where she can feel dried blood and the water runs rusty with it.

A knock booms at the door and she flinches, sending a jolt of pain through her face. A sleek- looking droid enters and makes its way towards her.

“I am PH-1477, here to process you into the Imperial prison system. Cooperate and no disciplinary action will be necessary.”

Still dazed, she nods and the droid seems to accept it as an affirmative answer. Her right arm is yanked out in front of her and she feels a prick of pain before she can even register what’s happening. A blue light scans her palms and fingers for prints. Then a full body scan. She gives her full name. And then the droid glides out of the room and she’s left with her thoughts once again. Despite the throb that has migrated from her cheek to the side of her head, Ori decides to try and get some rest, finding that in spite of everything she’s absolutely exhausted. It must be the come-down from the adrenaline. 

How could this morning feel so long ago? In the course of twelve hours she’d nearly gotten herself arrested twice, succeeded once, thrown up, passed out and broken quite possibly more than one bone in her face. The worst part about her day is that through the durasteel door, she can hear more cell doors opening and closing and bodies hitting walls, and bodies hitting other bodies. Jumbled words and sounds bounce off the durasteel and into her cell as she finally drifts off into fitful sleep.

She’s small again, that she knows from memory. It’s dark out, and cold. Her hands, even tucked in the fur-lined mittens her mother had given her, are stiff with it. Orla is five, and it’s Munin Ca - Long Night to the aruetii. Her favorite Mandalorian holiday. It’s so cold that the snow under her boots practically squeaks, but it means that the sky is clear and every star in the sky glitters when she lays on her back with her friends making angels in the snow. 

Around the fire they tell stories about friends and family who have passed on in the last year. Her buir talks about her ba’buir, his father. Asa Beviin. She’s in her mama’s lap, trying to cry as silently as possible because she misses her ba’buir, so much it hurts. Ori is old enough to understand now that she’ll never see him again. Mama gives her a few sips of her shig and she feels better when her buir tells stories about ba’buir that make the people around them laugh. It hurts a little less knowing that other people miss him too. 

Ori is so warm and sleepy from being near the fire, and she tries so hard to keep her eyes open. She’s on ba’buir’s lap now - Asa’s wife - and she carries Ori to their tent to tuck her in. Ba’buir smells like campfire and berry-scented shig and hugs her close to her chest until she falls into a deep sleep. 

-

Finally she wakes, body stiff from lying on the narrow hard cot for what feels like hours. The dream that should have comforted her has only set her off kilter emotionally. She’s ashamed that despair has set in so quickly. But the Empire had shown so far that it was efficient, ruthlessly so, and there wasn’t any guarantee - at least that she was aware of - of a fair trial, let alone a trial at all. They could stand her up against a wall and slot her and nobody would be the wiser. Consuming nausea interrupts her spiraling thoughts as she sits up, barely making it to the commode before she’s retching up pure stomach acid. Her body is rebelling against an empty stomach, she knows, but there’s nothing to fix the problem. She dry heaves. 

Paralyzed on the floor, she breathes slowly in and out through her nose. Someone will find her. Mij will know something is wrong and Kal...Kal can find anyone. Or at least that was the rumor around the karyai when she visited. He has a dozen or so ARCs and commandos at his disposal on any given day - the most elite soldiers in the galaxy, trained by one of the most dangerous mercenaries Mandalore has ever produced. They will find her. 

———

Keldabe Med Center

Keldabe, Northern Mandalore

Summer, 18 BBY

Kal hurries through the med center doors, careful to check the filters in his helmet before he starts his search for Mij. The chakaar had summoned him down to the med center again, as if he didn’t have enough on his plate. He loved the man like a brother, but damn if he couldn’t have told him whatever it was that was so kriffing urgent two days ago when he was last in town. It makes him twitchy to be out in the open these days, with the Empire openly flaunting what amounts to biological warfare, and with a bounty still on his head. 

With the doc going absolutely off the wall on those troopers the other day, he hopes she’s feeling a bit more stable today. He understands. After weeks and weeks of fighting, a little frustration can send you over the edge. She’d had the exact same look in her eye he’d seen a hundred times. Even in his boys. The human body has break points and she’d obviously hit one. Kal doesn’t judge - he’s been there. Thinking back to what was now over a year ago - watching Etain slaughtered in front of Darman - he’d lost it. They were human, and it was only natural.

“Kal!” Mij flags him down in the atrium of the center. The man somehow looks even more haggard than the last time they’d met; he looked like his last meal was weeks ago. And even more concerning, Kal sees panic in the man’s eyes. Not even on Kamino had he seen Doc Gilamar this bad.

“Mij. What the kriff is going on?” The doctor runs his hand over his face, smoothing the lines there briefly before they etched themselves back around his sunken eyes. The bottom half is covered by a mask, like all the staff here. Kal notices the skin above the edge is rubbed raw.

“Have you heard from Dr. Beviin?” He hasn’t. Not since she’d made a spectacle of herself and passed out in the atrium a few days ago. “She didn’t show up for her shift this morning.” 

“You could’ve called me with this Mij,” he replies, “I haven’t seen or heard from her for three days.” 

“She’s not on a house call at Kyrimorut?” 

“No...” Kal was not about to let Mij’s sense of panic bleed into him. 

“She’s not one to skip shifts.” Kal’s friend sits in a chair by a room, taking a break from his anxious pacing. There’s blood spray on the top of his scrubs and his neck. “Shab.”

“Spit it out, Gilamar. You look like you need a fucking break. She probably just overslept.” Mij glares daggers at him. They both know she didn’t oversleep. His friend looks like a ghost of himself.

“Fine. You want me to check in on her?” The doc sags with relief in his chair. 

“Please...Kal...I shouldn’t even be telling you this but...” Again he runs his hand down his face, rubs at his bloodshot eyes. “You’d find out sooner or later.”

He waits expectantly.

“She’s pregnant.” His stomach drops. Mij’s head is in his hands.

“And you let her work in this?” Dread is rising with his ire. He considers the chaos around them, the spatter on Mij’s scrubs. He doesn’t want to be angry with his friend but is finding it difficult. 

“She didn’t disclose it on her forms, I had no idea until the other day. It came back in her bloodwork.” Shab. “She might not have even known.” 

That was bantha shit if he’s ever heard it. The woman was on top of everything. In what universe could she not know? He thinks back to watching her sleep, the exhaustion on her features, how her eyes widened when she’d checked her datapad...kriff. 

“How far along?” Mij looks up from the cradle of his hands, puzzled. 

“Why does that…”

“Just tell me.” The doctor’s eyes narrow. Exhausted as he is, not much gets past the old sargeant. 

“Ten weeks.” 

Kal’s never been as quick as his boys at figures, not even when they were small. But he’s always accurate. He is already putting a plan in place to find her. Not that it mattered whose kid it was, but his boys had been picking up whispers. Whispers he didn’t like about what the Empire had been getting up to on Mandalore. Mandoade were dying in droves these days and Kal was not about to let doc become one of them.

In all likelihood she was at home, exhausted, and had slept through an alarm. For now at least, he keeps his temper in check. No use getting worked up over nothing.

--------

Keldabe, Northern Mandalore

Imperial Garrison

Summer, 18 BBY

1 Day later

Durasteel cuffs shine around her wrists in front of her as more troopers usher them to the transport. It has a Mining Guild insignia on the side, and Ori looks for any other identifying marks as a clue to where the Empire is taking them. Nothing. 

The stormtrooper wearing a pauldron near the front of the line holds a hand up to his helmet, receiving a transmission. The line of prisoners backs up as he holds up a gloved hand. Distracted, she bumps into the warm body in front of her.

 “Halt.”

Chatter is audible through helmets, but nothing clear as the sergeant walks down the line, scanning the prisoners’ arm bands. He stops at her and Ori’s heart drops. He nods at his counterpart. The trooper to her right grasps her upper arm and escorts her away from the silent line of her brothers and sisters. Stripped of their armor, they look naked, ordinary. But not afraid. Never afraid. Armor doesn’t make a Mandalorian, no matter what the Empire may think. She can feel their eyes on her as she’s led away. One of the men speaks up for her and gets a rifle butt to the mouth for his trouble.

Either they’re going to execute me or they know. 

When the droid initially processed her, it took a little blood, just a drop. To confirm her identity, she presumed. She hadn’t put up too much of a fight, to do otherwise would have drawn suspicion, but it was obvious they’d run other tests. 

The troopers place her back in her cell, where she sits, heart racing for only a few minutes before an Imperial officer enters. This one isn’t familiar to her, at least from the few days she’s been in the cell. 

“I suppose congratulations are in order, ma’am.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Her tone is too defensive, and she can tell he isn’t fooled. 

“Forgive me, I’d assumed considering your former profession that you would know.”

Former profession? So they do know. Well, it’s not getting slotted against a wall. Though by the sounds she’s heard outside her cell the past few days, the Empire doesn’t shy away from more physical methods of information extraction. She also suspects that the walls were made thin for a reason. 

“We’re not savages, my dear. You’re being transferred somewhere more suitable.”

With that, he leaves and two troopers step in, and they usher her out a back door to a smaller unmarked transport. She knows that being taken to a second location is going to make her chances of being found vanishingly small, and she tries futilely to resist the hands that push her forwards, sure that they won’t shoot her, now that she so obviously has something they want. 

The ship is small, enough to fit the two troopers and herself without much other cargo space, barely a light freighter, if that. She can smell the oil they use to lubricate the joints and machine parts in the engine, acrid, almost smokey. 

When she arrives at her destination some hours later, she’s handed a uniform of a sort, more something she would imagine one would wear at a spa, the type that uppity Coruscantis frequent, with hot stone massages and steam rooms and manicurists. Not that she’d know, having never been to one. 

It’s a tunic and trousers made of a soft, wicking fabric in a pale celadon. The top is short-sleeved and wraps with ties at the side, hem hitting at the tops of her thighs, while the pants are loosely cut. She slips the separates over the plain white basics they give her. The fabric slips easily between her fingers as she rubs at it.

Her brain is flying in a million directions as to where she is and why she is here. The options range from concerning to terrifying. They’d definitely been in hyperspace, but she couldn’t tell exactly how long they’d been traveling. They could be on Coruscant for all she knows. Whispers have been floating around Keldabe about various work camps where prisoners were sent and never heard from again. Mostly she’s heard about mining guild outposts, but nothing like where she is now. What kind of sick outfit are they run-

The matron raps at the door, signaling that her time to change is up and she exits, arms wrapped around herself defensively, shoulders hunched inwards. The woman looks her up and down, apparently satisfied with her appearance. With a cock of her head, the woman motions for Ori to follow her, ushering her into a bland office space where another woman sits in front of a large datapad. She’s wearing a crisper, piped version of her own spa-ready garments in varying shades of blue. A hand pushes at her shoulder and she sits clumsily. 

“Planet of birth?” the woman queries. Orla pauses at her directness.

There isn’t really any benefit to lying. They know who she is, and asking questions about her origins is likely a formality designed to lull her into submitting to questions that they really wanted to know the answers to. Truly, she wasn’t sure exactly what these people thought they were going to learn from her. She knows about the vaccine, sure, but she’d already revealed that. It’s possible they think she knows more.

“Mandalore.” 

The woman taps twice on a datapad with her stylus.

“Age?”

“Thirty two.” 

Two more taps.

“Any medical conditions?” The woman before her smiles mildly. Ori resists the urge to spit in her perfect face before she can figure out where hell she is.

“That’s not really any of your business.” 

“I’m afraid it is,” she retorts, not offering any more explanation.

“None,” Ori bites out, “Where am I?”

“You’re in a rehabilitation center-”

“-but I’m not sick.” Her interruption irritates the placid-faced woman, Ori can tell by a flicker in her eyes and a brief downturn of her lips. Maybe trying the woman’s patience the first day in this dump was ill-advised. But she just felt helpless. Trapped. 

“You’re in a rehabilitation center for wayward citizens of the Empire-”

Tired of milk-faced woman’s run-around,she interrupts again. “Why don’t you get to the kriffing point, hutuun?”

She pauses, even more annoyed than before, but keeps her composure. The nametag she wears on her left chest says Technician.

“You committed treason, Ms. Beviin. But your Empire is sensitive to your condition. Sending you to work for the mining guild would be a waste. In your condition, you’d last even less time than the weakest prisoner there. But you can be useful to the Empire in other ways.”

Useful…

“It so happens that many obedient Imperial citizens desire children of their own and are unable to conceive. And with your sordid political history, it would be remiss of us to let your child grow up in such a dangerous home.”

Ori blanches. 

“Not to mention your rumored association with the traitor Skirata and his adopted brood. You did ask me to speak plainly, Ms. Beviin.”

“I did.” Her voice comes out as wan as she feels.

“From what I understand, children of Mandalorian parents are quite sought after.” She gives a slight laugh, almost girlish. “Though one would think there would be more of them given your people’s penchant for...” she pauses, searching for the right words, “- loose morality.”

Her tiny bit of courage that she has mustered deflates to nothing. Her tone is light but there is avarice in the technician’s pale blue eyes. 

“Now, shall we continue?” All Ori can do is nod weakly. Stealing children. How many of her vode are in this place?

“Nationality of the father?” She shakes her head, unwilling to reveal more. Teeth dig into her lower lip to stop the emotions that rise up. This is insane, it can’t be real. 

“It would be to your benefit for you to cooperate with me,” she tuts, “The more we know, the better the placement for your child. Who knows, we may find a place with one of your more loyal countrymen. If you’re especially well-behaved.”

“Mandalorian,” she whispers, “he’s Mandalorian.”

“Good,” the woman praises. Her unnerving pale eyes flick greedily down to her flat abdomen and she quickly moves her top to obscure the area, oddly protective of something that wasn’t even visible yet.

-------

Keldabe City Center

Keldabe, Northern Mandalore

Summer, 18 BBY

Her apartment is empty. The sheets on the bed are rumpled but clean, and a glass of stale water sits on the night table beside it, next to a half eaten ration bar. There’s no smashed glass, no valuables taken, though Kal notes that the place is sparse, even for a Mandalorian - he’s not sure he’d find valuables even if he looked. The only personal touches he finds are a small Jonah wood figurine and a plain metal band.

The door had been securely locked when he entered. For all intents and purposes she’d gone to work as usual. Normally he’d be comforted, but his findings rankle his instincts. He’s consciously not letting himself think about the fact that he’s most likely going to be a father again. If he starts on that train of thought he’s not going to be able to think clearly anymore. Before he starts to lose it he comms Mereel. He hasn’t felt this way since Etain, since when Ruu was missing. He hates laying his problems on his boys, but there are certain things he can’t do himself.

Mereel picks up on the second ring.

“Buir?”

“Son, I need you to track someone down for me.”

“Sure thing. Who ya got?” 

“I need you to check arrest records in Keldabe.” Kal sits at the small dining table, running his hands through his cropped hair, feeling his agitation rise. 

“-Jaing get himself into trouble again?”

“Doc Beviin. Mij says she didn’t show up to work this morning.”

There’s silence on the other end as Mereel takes in his request. It’s a bizarre one, he knows, but if there’s anyone that can find a trail on someone it’s his ad’ike. The line quiets as Mereel works. He’s still holding the figurine from Orla’s dresser, worrying it between his hands, smoothing his thumbs over the polished wood. Everything is going up in flames. Somehow it seemed like just weeks ago that he had grand plans for his aliit escaping a Republic that was rotting from the inside out, when in reality it has been much longer. 

He waits an hour for Mereel to call back, sitting, sweating alone in her apartment, paralyzed by the thoughts running through his head. Waiting for a call from Mij that she had showed up to work, that she’d stopped for a caf on the way and been waylaid somehow. He lies to himself for a minute or so and then steels himself for the news Mereel is going to give him. It’s moments like this when he feels like little Falin again, if just for a moment, alone and scared and plagued by nightmares of horrible things happening to the people he loves. Before he can sink too far into the past, he’s interrupted by his comm beeping insistently.

“Son?”

“We found footage of her entering the Imperial Garrison on Keldabe two days ago.” 

“And leaving?”

The little hologram of Mereel shakes its head. Kal nods. This is his fault. He knows exactly why she’d gone and it was his own shabla fault. How could he have expected someone like her to know the Empire had vaccine and not go after it? 

“We need to get into that system.” 

“I’m sorry-”

“-It’s not your fault, Mereel. We’ll find another way.” It’s his fault. His own kriffing fault. 

---

Taglist: @leias-left-hair-bun @fractiouskat @nelba @clonewarslover55 @wolfangelwings @cherry-cokes-world @passionofthesith @808tsuika @simping-for-fives

[wingsofhcpe]

whumptober day 3- "who did this to you"

fandom: shadow & bone

pairing: fivan [ivan x fedyor kaminsky]

rating: T+

additional warnings: injury, discrimination against Grisha

you can also read here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34208404

[tagging @camilleisback upon request <3]

Fedyor had hoped he could make it to his and Ivan’s shared chambers without making too much of a fuss. It was an hour past midnight, after all- by all accounts, Ivan should be asleep. Then again, Fedyor wasn’t known for being late, and although Ivan knew he’d been assigned some errands at the Grand Palace that evening, he couldn’t have possibly thought Fedyor’s duties would last so late into the night. So there was little chance that Ivan would not notice him returning to begin with. As for what Ivan’s reaction would be when he saw the state his partner was currently in, well… That was going to be a little harder to hide.

He groaned a little, shifting his injured arm closer to his side, then wincing as it pressed against the already-forming bruises there. Great, there was no way Ivan wasn’t going to notice this, even if he hadn’t been limping from one side as well.

Fedyor let out a small sigh of relief when he finally stopped outside the polished mahogany door to their rooms. He took a deep breath -and regretted it a moment later as the movement served to aggravate the pain at his ribs and chest- and clumsily shouldered his way through the door.

The bedroom was lit only by a candle on Ivan’s nightstand, but the flickering golden glow was enough for Fedyor to detect his partner sitting up on their bed, heartbeat already spiking with frustration and worry.

“Where were you?!” Ivan asked, all but throwing himself out of the bed and stalking up to Fedyor, who only gave him a sheepish smile after carefully closing the door behind him.

“I, ah, something came up.” There was no point in trying to hide his injuries from Ivan, but he could at least gain some time before he’d have to explain them. Although it seemed like there wasn’t much point in trying to do even that; Ivan’s eyes widened, picking up on Fedyor’s erratic, pained heartbeat. Even if he hadn’t been a Heartrender, the dark red and purple bruises on the side of Fedyor’s face would have been a dead giveaway without the need of more light than what the candle provided.

“You’re hurt!” Ivan all but exclaimed, anger and concern writing themselves all over his unshaven face. He lifted a hand and lay it over Fedyor’s good arm, using his powers to examine the extent of his lover’s injuries. As soon as he became aware of it, he let out a small gasp.

“Fedyor- how?”

“It’s nothing, really. I just… need to lie down.” Fedyor murmured, blinking sudden stars away from his field of vision. Now that he was home safe, he abruptly realised how hard it really was to keep himself standing. He stumbled, and Ivan caught him and helped him stay upright.

“Fedya.” Ivan repeated his name, although this time his voice was gentle. “Tell me what happened. Who did this to you, my love?”

He led them both towards the bed, and Fedyor groaned quietly as Ivan helped him sit on it. Saints, everything hurt. “I, uh, I run into some young otkazat’sya soldiers in the Grand Palace. They were… quite inebriated, and I suppose the sight of a high-ranking Grisha at their midst wasn’t welcome at all. Especially after the devastating losses their side suffered on the Shu-Han front last week.”

“Did they dare raise a hand against you?” Ivan’s tone was clipped, and Fedyor could feel the fury that surged through him at the realisation. He winced.

“Ivan, it’s no big deal. They’re just children. They’re scared, really. I was just a scapegoat they could let their fear out on.”

“You’re not a punching bag! So they did beat you up? Unprovoked?” Ivan had leaned closer, eyes examining the bruises on Fedyor’s face. His thumb gingerly brushed over a cut below the latter’s eye. Fedyor let out a small huff.

“Well… yeah, sort of.” He shrugged, then immediately regretted it and groaned. “Ow. I tried to ignore them and just walk away but, well… one of them just grabbed my arm, turned me around and straight up punched me. The rest happened too fast.”

Ivan’s brow furrowed further. “You didn’t fight back? You could have used your powers on them.”

“You know that’s not me. And anyway, even if I wanted to use my powers, I would only be proving their point.” Fedyor said defeatedly. “I tried to fight them hand to hand, but it was seven of them and one of me. I did pretty well though, all things considered. I think one of them may find it particularly hard to produce an offspring if he so desires.”

Ivan’s expression finally relaxed just a margin, and a small smirk played at his thin lips.

“That’s my Fedya.” He murmured proudly, bending in and pressing a chaste kiss on Fedyor’s lips. There was dried blood where a well-placed punch had split the skin, and it stung, but Fedyor didn’t mind. He kissed back slowly, enjoying the comfort Ivan’s presence brought him. He had been scared, even though he would never admit it- he hadn’t known how far the First Army soldiers had been willing to take it, and while it was rare, it wasn’t unheard of for a Grisha to be killed by an otkazat’sya in such incidents (although to be perfectly fair, the opposite was a much more frequent occurrence). But now he was home, safe, sitting next to Ivan, his Vanya. It would be alright.

Ivan drew back a few moments later, but his eyes lingered worriedly on Fedyor. “We should get you to a Healer.”

“No!” Fedyor had to restrain himself from shouting, his eyes widening with worry. “Listen, Vanya- I’ll have to give an explanation of how I ended up like that if we go. And, well, I’ll have to give the General a list of names or rank numbers or just a description. You know what they do to otkazat’sya soldiers that as much as stare at one of us funny.”

“I damn well know, but it’s what they deserve.” Ivan’s voice was harsh. “Fedya, they could have killed you. I’m sure they would have, if they could’ve gotten away with it. Why are you protecting them?”

“Because…” Fedyor looked down at his hands. “Because they’re children. They were, what, sixteen? I don’t want one mistake to ruin their lives, Ivan.”

“It would have been a mistake if they cussed or spit at you.” Ivan snapped angrily. “But they beat you black and blue. As a group nonetheless. This isn’t a mistake- it’s prejudice. It’s hatred. We can’t allow them to get away with this kind of behaviour against our people.”

“I know, I know. But… I still think they should be given the chance to learn. To do better. To become better and unlearn their hate, rather than just die for something that has probably been drilled into them by people older and stronger than them.” Fedyor said quietly. “You know… you were raised to hate the Grisha, too. You would have been a druskelle, had you not discovered your gift early enough. And when you first came here, you despised us, and you despised yourself for what you were. But you unlearned it. You realised everything you’ve been taught was wrong. Shouldn’t they be given the same chance?”

“That was different.” Ivan hissed, but his voice didn’t hold the same amount of conviction as it did earlier. “I am Grisha. I knew I was, when I unlearned this mentality. I had to, because the world would hate me whether I accepted myself or not.”

“You don’t know they won’t be facing similar issues in the future.” Fedyor countered fiercely. “Maybe one of their younger siblings will be revealed to have a gift. Or maybe one of them has went untested and they will discover they themselves are Grisha. Anyway, I’ll speak to their superiors privately come morning. I don’t want this to spread to more people on either side. I’m not excusing them and I’m not protecting them, Ivan, I’m protecting all of us, and all of theirs. There are many soldiers in the First Army that accept us and view us as equals, as human beings. You know they’ll be in danger, should word of conflict spread among the Grisha. They’ll want payback, and you can’t guarantee that their victims will be the ones responsible for what happened to me. Besides, if this escalates, more Grisha will also be endangered.”

Fedyor paused to catch his breath and steady his hands, that had began to tremble slightly. It wasn’t as if he weren’t angry or scared out of his wits- he was. But he knew all too well, that violence only bred more violence. It would benefit neither the Grisha nor the otkazat’sya, if each side’s soldiers suddenly turned on each other and began to tear at each other’s throats like rabid dogs.

Ivan must have finally understood, too, because his grip on Fedyor’s wrist relaxed, and his shoulders slumped. He let out a frustrated growl.

“Fine. I suppose you have a point.” He relented, but his features were still pinched with worry. “But, anyway. Someone still has to patch you up.”

Fedyor allowed himself a small, relieved sigh. “Well, that’s why I have you.”

Ivan snorted out a little laugh. “You’re incorrigible. Come, let’s go to the bathroom. I don’t want to make a mess of the bed and then have to clean that up, too. If that’s alright with you, I would prefer to get some sleep tonight.”

One of the advantages to being two of General Kirigan’s most favoured soldiers, was that their living quarters were a little more spacy than the other soldiers’. Unlike most of the other Grisha, they didn’t need to share the banya with everyone else; they had running water available in their room, and could clean up themselves there if they preferred to have some privacy. It was a useful thing under many different situations -such as uninterrupted moments of affection when they washed after a particularly dangerous mission- and Fedyor guessed that wanting to clean and patch each other’s wounds up without alerting anyone else, was no exception.

“Here.” Ivan led him to a stool next to the bathtub, then helped him sit. Fedyor bit his already-bleeding lip to hold back a pained whimper as he sat, and Ivan’s hand immediately squeezed his own in a silent gesture of comfort. Fedyor squeezed back feebly, then let Ivan pull away as the latter rummaged around the small room for various medical supplies; clear strips of cloth, a bottle of disinfectant, bandages and a healing salve provided by a Fabrikator friend. He set all of it down on the floor before turning the water on. He waited until it had become sufficiently warm and then soaked a piece of cloth in it, and turned to face Fedyor.

“Take off your kefta, yes?” Ivan said firmly but without the usual bite to his commanding tone. Fedyor swallowed and nodded, shrugging awkwardly and trying to take the aforementioned piece of clothing off without jostling his injured arm too much. In the end he failed, and let out a small cry as he tried to stretch his arm to the side and pull it out of the sleeve. Ivan was immediately on his feet, having temporarily discarded the washcloth by the tub.

“Let me help.” He murmured in a low, comforting tone, his hands resting on Fedyor’s shoulders. Fedyor took a deep, steadying breath and yielded to Ivan’s ministrations; he knew that if he made any further attempts to remove his clothes by himself, it would only be a waste of time.

Once the kefta, undershirt and pants were out of the way, Ivan’s eyes darkened with worry. Fedyor supposed he couldn’t blame him this time- his entire left side, his back and his chest were badly bruised, and his right arm was bent at a strange angle that didn’t look at all natural. Less extensive bruising blossomed down his shoulders and arms, even his legs, especially over and around his right knee. Ivan clicked his tongue.

“I don’t care how much of a pacifist you want to be about this, Fedya. I’m going to find the bastards that did this to you and make them regret the day they slid out of their mother’s cu-“

“Alright, alright.” Fedyor waved his good hand placatingly. “I truly appreciate the anger on my behalf, Vanya. But for now, let’s just get done with it. You’re not the only one who can’t wait to get to bed for the night.”

Ivan growled under his breath, clearly not giving up on his aspirations of revenge, and Fedyor decided that maybe that wasn’t so bad. Ivan could teach a lesson to the perpetrators without the incident spreading further behind the lines of Grisha and otkazat’sya alive. It wasn’t the best possible solution, but Fedyor had to admit to himself that he wouldn’t mind watching if Ivan decided to make true on his word. He disliked answering violence with violence (barring extreme cases, such as facing a group of druskelle), but he was only human, and most humans have a petty streak to them. He was no exception.

Still, he decided to worry about it in the morning. For the moment, he allowed himself to relax under Ivan’s care, as the latter gently wiped the blood off his nose and lips, and dabbed at the cut under his eye. Fedyor caught Ivan’s eyes and smiled thankfully, which earned him a tender look and another squeeze of the hand.

“Let me see your arm?” Ivan asked after a few minutes, during which he had applied some of the healing salve across the worst of Fedyor’s bruises. Fedyor had been unable to restrain a deep groan of relief as Ivan’s fingers had gently massaged the salve onto his injuries; the discomfort receded almost immediately, the herbs contained into the salve having a cooling effect that soothed the throbbing pain. It wasn’t completely gone, but he already felt much better, and was able to stretch out his arm for Ivan to examine.

“Ow!” Fedyor yelped the following instant, glaring at Ivan as the other Heartrender’s fingers prodded at the swollen area around his elbow. “That hurt!”

“That’s what worries me.” Ivan grunted, displeasure evident in his voice. “There’s a fracture, I think. It’s not too bad, so we don’t need a Healer. I’ll bandage it, but you’ll have to use a sling for a while, and it’s going to keep hurting for at least a week.”

“It’s okay.” Fedyor sighed tiredly. At that point he didn’t care- he only wanted this to be done so they could both go to bed. “I’m sure we have painkillers somewhere around here. I’ll take some and sleep it off.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to sleep for a week?”

“You know I’m more than capable.”

Ivan cleared his throat, but Fedyor knew he was trying to hide a laugh. He smiled, too. For all that had happened that night, he didn’t feel too horrible- not when Ivan was next to him. He just felt exhausted and a little crestfallen. But that was life, and life was usually tough. He had learned that lesson early enough. All he could do was shoulder it, smile and press on. He was good at it, too. He had learned how to be.

Ivan finished up a few minutes later, after taking a quick look at Fedyor’s knee. The swelling and bruising were bad, but he could detect no fractures, so he just talked Fedyor out of walking for a few days. Which, Fedyor suspected, wasn’t going to be a problem. He didn’t plan on leaving their bed, not unless Kirigan came and dragged him out by his ear.

“You deserve a few days off.” Ivan agreed when Fedyor voiced that thought. “But the General is going to ask questions. I thought you didn’t want him to know what happened.”

“I don’t.” Fedyor admitted as Ivan helped him to bed. He lay down with a groan and shuffled around, trying to find a comfortable position, where his arm and side wouldn’t hurt quite so bad. He’d already gulped down half a bottle’s worth of painkilling herbal pills, but it would be a while until they kicked in. “Just tell him I’m sick. I can pretend if I need to.”

Ivan rolled his eyes as he blew out the candle, and slipped under the covers next to Fedyor. “I know you can. You used to do it all the time to get out of training with Baghra, when we were young.”

Fedyor flashed him a shadow of his usual cheeky grin. “I was quite good at it.”

He shifted again, until he was laying flush against Ivan’s side, his aching arm stretched across his lover’s broad chest. Ivan hummed softly and pressed a tender kiss on Fedyor’s temple.

“Sleep.” He said. “Everything else can wait until tomorrow.”

Tomorrow didn’t sound very far off, all things considered. It had already been late when Fedyor had first stumbled in the room, and with all the talking and the time Ivan spent treating his injuries, another two hours had gone by. Under normal circumstances, they would be waking up in three more hours, but Fedyor trusted Ivan to let him sleep in this once. So he forced all miserable thoughts out of his mind and quelled the fear that had caught fire inside of him from the moment he had first encountered the otkazat’sya in the Grand Palace. He was home now, behind high walls, nestled within his husband’s arms. He was safe. They both were. They’d always be safe, so long as they had each other.

So Fedyor told himself that everything was alright. That he wasn’t scared out of his wits, and that he wasn’t in pain. He closed his eyes and let sleep overtake him, while he clung to Ivan’s steady, familiar, beloved heartbeat as if it was the gentlest of lullabies.

[thepoliticalpatient]

How to get your Humira level tested thru Prometheus

I started taking Humira for my Crohn's in July of last year. Getting onto this medication was a gigantic pain in my ass, but I actually think the part that ended up being the hardest was dealing with getting my levels tested, so I wanted to write a post detailing that process. There is lots of info here that I wish I had known at the start. I actually have been wanting to write this post since last September, which was when I actually had the test done, but the whole situation didn't get fully wrapped up until today, 6 months later, and I didn't want to write it until I had complete information.

I will try very hard to make this an informative post and not just a rant but I'm not sure I have the self-restraint tbh.

OK, to start: what even is this test? With biologics, you need to maintain a high enough concentration of the drug in your system, to prevent your body from producing antibodies against the medication, and for it to be effective. My (now former - more on that soon lol) gastroenterologist is pretty passionate about making sure his patients keep a good level and will have them go on a weekly dose instead of the normal every-other-week dose if their levels aren't to his liking.

Importantly, the timing of this test is vital. You can't get it measured in the days immediately after you inject or your levels will be super high. The goal is to find out what the level is when it's at its lowest, i.e. in the day or two before your injection. My (former) gastroenterologist wanted me to get this test done between my second and third doses. That didn't end up happening because of how much of a clusterfuck this whole thing was.

So this test is only done by one company in the United States, Prometheus Biosciences. The name of the test is Anser ADA. They also have similar tests for measuring the levels of other biologics, like Anser IFX which measures Remicade levels (ADA = adalimumab, which is the generic name for Humira; IFX = infliximab, or Remicade). They have tests for Stelara and Entyvio too. If I had to guess, I'd say that the info in this post is probably pertinent to those tests as well, but I cannot guarantee it. I only know for sure about my own experience with Anser ADA.

Because this test can only be performed by Prometheus, it is likely that you cannot just go to your hospital's lab and have them draw your blood. It's possible they will do this draw for you and mail the blood to Prometheus, but you'll want to be certain to clarify this with your doctor.

My doctor's office gave me a lot of extremely wrong information, so I had no idea about this. I actually showed up at my hospital's phlebotomy lab on the morning before my third Humira dose, handed them a form that my doctor's staff had given me that contained the order for the bloodwork, and they took my blood and I thought I was done with it. Then WEEKS later at my next appointment with my doctor, he was like "did you ever get that Prometheus test done?" and I was like "wait do you not have the results back from the blood I gave weeks ago?" and he was like "you absolute imbecile, we can't do that lab for you, you need to schedule that with Prometheus's phlebotomists" (I'm paraphrasing a little bit here). To this day I have no idea what happened to the blood I gave at the lab! I assume they were like "wait what do we do with this lol" and then threw it in the garbage and didn't bother to inform me????

This was just one of many bad experiences I’ve had with this doctor/hospital, but this was the one that finally pushed me over the edge. I have since changed to a new GI at a different hospital (which was its own fucking saga, omg, it should not be so hard to get your medical records transferred from one hospital to another).

ANYWAY, my point is, be very certain to talk with your doctor about whether your hospital can draw this blood for you. If they can't, you have to call Prometheus to set up a draw with them.

Prometheus is located in California but contracts with a network of phlebotomists throughout the country. You can set up an appointment for a phlebotomist to come to your home to draw your blood.

For some goddamn reason, instead of equipping their phlebotomists with the supplies they'll need, Prometheus will mail you a package ahead of your appointment that contains some supplies.

Here's my next pro-tip: Prometheus will use some very scary language to make it sound like you need to be waiting right at the door when this package arrives and to immediately put some of the contents of the package into the freezer or else something terrible will happen. This is not true. What's actually happening here is that the package will contain some shipping supplies, including an insulated container and an ice pack, which the phlebotomist will need in order to store your blood safely. They want you to pre-freeze that ice pack before the phlebotomist arrives so that it will be ready to go as soon as your blood is drawn. That's it. So there's nothing in the package that's gonna, like, go bad or something if you don't get it into the freezer right away.

The whole thing was kind of stressful because I didn't have any tracking info on the package or anything, but it did arrive ahead of my appointment.

Okay so the next big topic here is PAYMENT. This is a $2,500 test, and most insurance doesn't cover it.

Around the same time I scheduled the draw with Prometheus, I sent a message to my insurance carrier to ask whether they would cover the test. The rep who replied to my message needed to know the CPT code for the test and the NPI for Prometheus, which I found on Prometheus's prior authorization form here. The insurance rep then said that this test would require my doctor to complete a prior authorization. If I got the prior auth, then insurance would cover the test at the out-of-network rate, which would require me to pay 35% of the cost. Without the prior authorization, they would deny the claim entirely.

I sent a message to my doctor's office asking them to complete the prior authorization stat, as I had already scheduled the draw with Prometheus and there wasn't much time. I was hesitant to cancel my draw, because that would require me to wait at least another 2 weeks (since you have to time the draw with your Humira doses), and I was already months later on this test than my doctor had originally wanted because of the whole snafu with thinking I could get it drawn at my hospital. My doctor's assistant replied and said she didn't think they'd have time to complete the prior auth, but not to cancel my appointment. She assured me that Prometheus would not charge me more than $75 if my insurance denied the claim.

I was extremely nervous about this. I was mainly concerned because I had found this info about Prometheus's payment assist program, which says that they'll reduce the charge to $75 if your income is below a certain threshold, and mine is not. Based on the info on that page, it looked like I didn’t qualify for any cost reduction, so I was pretty convinced they were gonna charge me the full $2,500.

Looking at the claims on my insurer's website, I see that Prometheus indeed tried to charge my insurance $2,500 for the test, and my insurance denied it. There is an additional $50 claim to my insurance, which insurance did pay, which I think was for the cost of having the phlebotomist visit my home.

Prometheus sent me several mailers about their payment assist program, which I just ignored because my income is too high. And for the next 6 months I sat anxiously waiting to receive a bill in the mail for several thousand dollars.

Well I'm happy to report that today, I finally received the bill from Prometheus, and it is for $75. I don't know why exactly they reduced it to that amount, but I am certainly not going to complain.

Now, I'm not certain of this, but my GUESS would be that the $75 rate is only for people who are doing self-pay. So, hilariously, if I had gotten the prior authorization done on time, my out of network coinsurance would have required me to pay 35% of the total claim, which would be $875. So, I mean....I can't guarantee that your experience will be the same as mine, but it seems to me like it is to your advantage to not go through your insurance for this test.

Oh, and Prometheus will NOT hold your test results hostage while they try to get paid. They sent the results to my doctor soon after the draw. And my levels were good!

ANYWAY, this was long, but I wanted to share everything I wish I had known before going through this. I hope it will help someone else who is trying to navigate this process!!!

[cuddlepilefics]

Whumptober Day 17 – Dizzy

Fandom: Monsta X

Sickie: Kihyun

Caregiver: Monsta X (mostly Minhyuk, Jooheon and Changkyun)

 Kihyun’s POV.:

The first thing I noticed when the alarmclock went off next to me was the massive pounding in my head. Frowning at the loud noise I reached over and shut that damn thing off. I groaned pushing myself up from the bed to wake up the rest of the group. Why they never woke up from their own alarms was a mystery I have yet to solve. As I got up I could feel the blood drop to my feet and quickly sat back down on the edge of my messed-up bed, waiting for the room to stop spinning. The next time I stood up, I did so much slower before making my round through the dorm as Monsta X’ merciless wake up call. After ensuring no one would go back to sleep I grabbed a glass of water and used it to wash down some painkillers. We’d be spending the day at the studio recording our new single and I guess I was lucky that there was no dance practice scheduled but I wasn’t looking forward to having my aching head crushed by headphones all day either. Changkyun was the first of my members to notice something was wrong and approached me after breakfast when everyone was getting changed to head out. “Hyung, are you ok?”, the younger whispered, knowing I would want him to catch the attention of anyone else in case he was right about his suspicions. “Ah, Kyun-ah, I’m alright, just woke up with a bit of a headache but I already took some medicine and it should be gone soon.”, I tried to reassure him with a forced smile before walking to my room to get changed myself. I shivered when I took off my sleep-clothes and decided to wear a warm hoodie along with a comfortable pair of jeans. Pulling the hoodie over my head I started feeling a little lightheaded and held on to my closet till the feeling had passed. I was one of last members to arrive to the van that would take us to the studio. Climbing in I received a few confused glances, whether that was because I took longer than usual or because most of them wore t-shirts, I didn’t know. How could they wear t-shirts anyways, this morning seemed rather chilly to me. Changkyun sat next to me in the back and I rested my still aching head on his shoulder closing my eyes. Remembering our conversation from earlier, he luckily didn’t comment on it and just gave my knee a gentle squeeze.

I must have nodded off again because the next thing I remember is arriving at the starship building with all members piling out of the vehicle. As I got out and was suddenly standing on my own feet again, the ground seemingly started to move and I squeezed my eyes shut leaning back against the van. Regaining my balance and blinking away the last black spots that had clouded my vision, I straightened back up and noticed Minhyuk and Changkyun staring at me. They had stayed behind as I stood there frozen, the rest of the group was waiting by the entrance only now having realized someone was missing. “Are you ok?”, Minhyuk asked with a strange tone to his voice. “Hyung, is your head still hurting”, that was Changkyun. “Yeah, still hurts but I’m ok. Just got dizzy for a second, feel fine now. I don’t know what got into me so suddenly.”, I tried laughing it off but inside I was a little confused. This was not like me, getting dizzy so frequently and why is my head still pounding? The painkillers should be doing their job by now, I don’t have time for this. Minhyuk hooked his arm into mine and we went to catch up with the rest of the group. It was a discrete gesture that probably wouldn’t catch any attention but it was very helpful to me, given I still felt a bit shaky. There were two small sofas and some office chairs around a coffee-table covered in lyric sheets. Once everyone found a spot to sit we revised our lyrics while letting Jooheon who was overly excited for recording go into the recording booth. I was seated on one of the sofas next to Minhyuk who kept glancing at me from time to time. Changkyun handed me a bottle of water before sitting in an office chair next to the sofa and reading over his lyrics again. I gave him a grateful smile and opened the bottle. Maybe I didn’t drink enough after dance practice yesterday and the pain in my head will go away as soon as I get rehydrated. After finishing half of the water, I place the bottle down near my feet and instead pick up a sheet of paper as well. I really tried reading over it but focusing my eyes on the small letters only made my head pound harder. “Guys, is it ok if Kihyun goes next? He’s not feeling his best and could go back home to rest up a bit when he’s done.”, Minhyuk broke the silence. “What’s wrong Kihyun-ah?”, Hyunwoo frowned giving me a quick once-over look. “Ah, nothing, I had a bit of a headache earlier but it better now that the painkillers started working. I’m fine.” Well that was not very honest, the painkillers haven’t started working and I’m losing hope they ever will but I don’t want the others to worry. They don’t have to change up the order in which we are scheduled to record because I’m not fully on top of my game. Everybody has an off-day once in a while. Minhyuk met my eyes and the look he gave me told me he was seeing right through my lie disappointed in me for not being honest. “Your holding your sheet upside-down”, was all he said, having read over my shoulder. I glanced down at my sheet and damn, no wonder it was so hard to read it earlier. Now all eyes were on me as I slowly turned the sheet around. “Are you sure you feel up for recording?”, the concern was now obvious in my leader’s voice. I nodded my head. Bad decision, it immediately made my vision swim. “Allright, I’ll tell the producer you’re next when Jooheon-ah is done”, Hyunwoo said getting up. “Why are you lying?”, Minhyuk whispered quiet enough only for me to hear. “It’s not that big of a deal”, I replied just as quiet, going back to pretending to read over my notes.

Jooheon walked out of the booth smiling as he motioned for me to take my turn. I tried to return his smile though each step I took sent shock waves through my skull. If this is what Hyungwon’s migraines feel like I can’t help but pity him much more now. Walking past Jooheon I make it to the recording booth, shortly steadying myself by gripping the door frame. Where did my balance go over night? I put my headphones on and give the producer a thumbs-up ignoring the pressure the headphones put on my head. Fifteen minutes later I feel like a complete fool. For some reason I just can’t keep my voice steady. It’s not nearly as powerful as usual either and I curse myself inwardly for not doing better. The others even gave me the chance to do this quick and then hide in the comfort of my own room, where it was both dark and quiet. Oh, how much I craved some quiet right now. I sighed and the producer started the track over again. No matter how hard I tried, it just seemed to get worse and I couldn’t take it anymore. It just hurt so much and I keep failing. Minhyuk burst through the door as soon as the first sob ripped through my throat. His arms wrapping around my waist and steadying me as I started to sway a bit. The crying just increased my dizziness and my knees gave out. I could barely see through the black spots and the tears but I felt how my hyung scooped me up and carried me out of the booth, careful not to knock the lyric-stand over. He gently placed me down on one of the sofas, its former occupants having moved out of the way quickly. “Sorry”, I mumbled weakly pressing my hands into my eyes attempting to rid myself of the dark spits that had appeared once again. “Don’t cry hyung, it’s ok. Just stay still and take deep breaths”, Changkyun instructed. “I-It h-hurts so b-bad”, I tried to swallow down the sobs but I’ve reached my breaking point. “The painkillers didn’t work at all, did they?”, Minhyuk frowned stroking my face: “Ya, Kihyun-ah! You’re burning up.” “N-not so l-loud, please.”, I couldn’t suppress a whimper as his loud voice threatened to let my head explode. Suddenly Hyungwon was kneeling next to the sofa pressing a pill into my hand: “Here hyung, that’s my migraine medication, if the painkillers this morning didn’t do anything, this will probably do the trick.”, he whispered with a sympathetic look on his face, able to relate to my situation best. I pushed myself up on my elbow just high enough to take the pill with some of the water he handed me before lying back don’t and covering my eyes with my arm. “Thank you Won-ie”, I replied after taking a few breaths to steady my world again. He smiled at me sadly before getting up to make room for Hyunwoo. “I talked to the manager and the producer. Our recording session will be rescheduled when you’re better. You really didn’t know you were sick?”, He looked at me doubtfully. “No, I thought it was just a headache and that it would go away as soon as I wake up properly”, I groaned. “The only one who’s finished yet is Jooheon. He will take you back home, ok? You get some rest and make sure you get better, yeah?”, he said patting my leg and I could hear some sincere concern behind his light tone.

When Hyunwoo’s phone rang and he informed us that the driver he called for us was waiting I sat up and prepared myself to stand. There was no amount of preparation that could have prevented me from stumbling. I fell into a strong chest and the leader wrapped his arms around my waist to steady me. “Sorry, dizzy”, I stated the obvious, clinging to his shoulders for dear life trying not to fall. He picked me up and carried me downstairs to the waiting car while Jooheon followed with our backpacks. I felt sorry for the younger, he looked nervous and I hated being the reason for that. My leader helped me get settled into the car before leaving for the studio again after a few last well-wishes. Jooheon got in next to me and buckled his seatbelt. “I’m ok Honey, don’t worry so much”, I whispered placing my head on his shoulder. “I’m not worrying”, he denied trailing off. “Your hands are shaking”, I said while taking one and holding it in mine. “I’m sorry, you just look so pale and it’s always you taking care of us and I don’t know how to return that, what if you get worse while the hyungs are gone-“ – “Hey, I won’t. I just need some sleep and everything will get better, ok? Don’t work yourself up too much, yeah?”, I interrupted as I noticed how his voices started to waver a bit. After a few deep breaths he replied with a quiet “yeah” and started running his free hand through my hair. It was relaxing and quickly nodded off on his shoulder.

I woke up in my bed with the blinds drawn blocking out most of the light.. How did I get here? Oh boy, did my dongsaeng carry me all the way from the car up here? It was one thing for Hyunwoo to do that but for one of our maknaes… Moving around slightly I try to get accustomed to my surroundings. There is a cool washcloth on my forehead and the bed is dipping slightly to one side. I turn my head locking eyes with Jooheon. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. How do you feel?”, he kept his voice low. “Wow, ugh, that stuff Hyungwon gave me really helped. I mean, I still feel completely wiped and yes, I’m probably sick but the pain is a lot better”, I answered full honesty, finally dropping my act knowing my dongsaeng would only worry more if he couldn’t trust me to keep it real. “Good you’re not hurting that much anymore, hyung. You still have a fever though”, he smiled gently showing his dimples as he put the back of fingers against my cheek. I tried to sit up, placing the washcloth on the nightstand, only to be met with another merry-go-round. “Ugh, yeah, and I’m still really dizzy for some reason”, I pouted as he eased me back down. “Just stay down. You’re not dizzy if you stay still like this, right? Rest and if you need something, I’ll get it for you.” I hummed with a smile and reached my hands out. Luckily, he understood what I wanted and after replacing the washcloth for me, he slid under the blanket next to me. Maybe my behavior is a bit childish but I snuggled up to him with a content sigh, being of smaller-built does have his perks sometimes. That felt especially true when Jooheon wrapped one arm around me, holding me close and used the other to pat my hair in a steady pattern. I couldn’t help but let my eyes close again.

When I opened them again, I saw Minhyuk having a hushed conversation with Jooheon. “Oh, Hey you’re awake. Feeling better?”, my hyung smiled when he noticed me staring at him. I nodded before dropping my head back against my dongsaeng’s chest. “We made some soup, you really should eat something. Jooheon-ah told me you slept through lunchtime and it’s late evening already”, he advised while rubbing my arm gently to keep me awake. “Can’t. If I sit up everything spins around me”, Wow, I never wanted to sound this pitiful. I heard Jooheon coo quietly and if I was anywhere near in the right mind, I would have punched him. He untangled himself from my arms and giggled when I whined at the loss of contact. “Hyung, it’s cute when you’re cuddly like that but you need to eat something if you want to get better”, He tried to comfort me while sitting up against the headboard before gently pulling me up too. Soon I was situated between Jooheon’s legs with my back leaning against his broad chest. I rested my spinning head against his collarbone and closed my eyes till Minhyuk shook my arm while placing a tray with soup on my lap. Finishing my dinner was a painstakingly long process since being upright was a bit complicated for me. I was glad that when I was done, Jooheon helped readjust me into a similar position to before and hugged me tight. “You did great hyung. Want to go back to sleep?” – “Will you stay?”, I really wished he would. I was so comfy before and though I can usually handle myself just fine, I really didn’t want to suffer through this alone. “As long as you want me to, hyung”, Jooheon whispered, pulling the covers over both of us. I felt safe and protected as I pressed my forehead into his chest, slowly getting drowsier and falling asleep to the gentle strokes on my arm.

[entirebodyexercise]

How to Get Pregnant Faster

How to get expectant faster if you're wishing to get child on board as quickly as possible, among the very best ways to obtain expectant fast is to put a little planning.

After years to do every point in your power to quit a pregnancy, the immediate that you determine you are all established to have an infant you have an interest in happening fast-like now if in any way possible. While there is no wonderful tablet or remarkable potion that'll make sure instant perception (sorry!) or a state course to developing, you can locate actions you can take in order to obtain the body to obtain a wholesome pregnancy.

How to get pregnant faster

Book an appointment now

Before you toss your birth control and also bust the Asian candles, you likewise should certainly see your medical professional obtain a preconception check up. As a standard, if you're thinking about having an infant, you have to realize your medical professional about half a year prior to you begin attempting, says Tejal Patel, the doctor director of the Pregnancy Centre of Hamilton.

How to get pregnant faster

Ditch the birth control

Your family doctor will evaluate your existing approach of birth control as well as conversation about Simply what does it cost? time it may need the very own hormonal agents to find back to common degrees. When You Give up taking birth control tablets, when it comes to instance, giving birth normally starts once more Within weeks, yet in case you have actually been obtaining depo Provera shots it may possibly Merely take 9 weeks or perhaps much longer until you ovulate, states Aseel Hamoudi, a helper Teacher of obstetrics as well as gynecology at McMaster University.

How to get pregnant faster

Get tested

Your healthcare provider could likewise review your doctor and conversation about any kind of health problems that you have that can influence your fertility, such as thyroid problems, endometriosis, and endometriosis. When you've obtained raised blood pressure or epilepsy, as a circumstances, you need to wait prior to you 'have the fee of the problem before getting pregnant,' states Hamoudi. Produce a list of any kind of medicines you get on as your medical professional may wish to customize your prescription as well as track your very own wellness closely.

Additionally, it is an amazing idea to be specific that your vaccinations are present. Your physician can examine your rubella resistance to establish if you desire a booster injection (also in the occasion that you contract rubella during pregnancy that it can cause substantial problems to the womb). As well as medical professionals strongly prompt women that are intending for a maternity to acquire the flu shot because it might develop severe issues, such as pneumonia and also pre term labor.

How to get pregnant faster

How to understand when you're ovulating

Given that far extra women are making use of a birth control, ladies are not as harmonic with their all-natural cycles,' says Patel, that suggests females start to track the quantity of days in between phases. (Matter from the very first day of your duration a month to the start of your future period-you will certainly find apps which might offer you a hand.)

Ovulation typically happens around fourteen days prior to the final day of a female's menstrual duration (the day before your duration starts). You may be most abundant in the times prior to ovulation-the mid factor of one's cycle. Utilize this ovulation-predictor to learn your most abundant days.

To help identify specifically when you ovulate, a few professionals advise computing your basic body temperature within the duration of numerous weeks. Charting your BBT needs a little of job: every single morning you simply take your temperature having a special basic thermostat the minute you awaken.

But as Patel states, 'there are no excellent researches that show that females determining their BBT or their cervical mucus are clearly useful. Just what I recognize that it will, to level, is create more anxiousness as well as more tension. And we understand that the more stressed you're, the much less abundant you're.'

How to get pregnant faster

Tweak your habits, now

Now's the perfect time for you to review numerous of these Brand-new Year's resolutions-to drink much less, shed several of extra pounds, exercise frequently. Probabilities are, you will not need to entirely revamp your life time, however, you want to stay sufficient wellness prior to obtaining the excellent pregnancy test.

If you're over weight or overweight, a little weight reduction will certainly make a huge difference claims Patel. 'when you've obtained a higher BMI, a 5 to 10 percent absence in one's existing weight is mosting likely to help enhance your probabilities of conceiving,' claims Patel.

As well it's excellent time to reduce and also in some cases even begin to stay away from any alcohols. High numbers of problems have ended up being attached to fetal alcohol disorder to make sure that as Hamoudi states, 'There isn't really any kind of risk-free amount of direct exposure.' As well as yes it's really a fantastic idea to reduce the complete quantity high levels of caffeine you have daily from coffee, soft drink, tea, as well as delicious chocolate now.

With concerns to exactly what you need to have, you are going to desire to start taking prenatal vitamins. To slice the opportunity of neural tube defects, as an example, it's advised you have 400 mg of folic acid daily, as well as to start taking it for 3 or more months before you conceive.

There's not any kind of apparent proof that tinting your hair is hazardous when pregnant. 'nonetheless we constantly inform clients for that first couple of weeks of pregnancy to minimize any contact with chemicals,' says Hamoudi.

How to get pregnant faster

Have sex before you ovulate

An egg persists for simply 12 to 14 hrs after giving birth. Sperm has a tendency to be always a little tougher as well as may survive for about 48 to 72 hours after sex. However, even in the occasion that you have actually obtained a very persistent 28-day cycle, after that it's difficult to pin point precisely when ovulation will probably take place (without clinical interventions anyway). 'We have no suggestion simply as soon as the egg is mosting likely to be published.'

Hamoudi advises you've got sex on the 3 days until you think you'll ovulate as well as concerning 3 days later on. 'Normally when people are continuously obtaining sex every 2 to three days, that I understand that it calls for lots of off the stress,' states Patel. 'in this manner, it normally does not come to be work.'

How to get pregnant faster

Does your sex position matter?

Is missionary a lot much better as compared to doggy-style? Do you have to stand in your own face after that? Relax easy, there's not any demand to revert into vanilla sex or ramp-up into acrobatic feats. In truth, wellness professionals recommend pairs to complete anything really feels great. (Today that is information you ought to utilize.)

There isn't any 1 placement that's especially a lot more effective than other. (Ought to you and also your partner do use lube, asses out the ingredients making particular that it will not include spermicides.) If you would like to give the hardly any swimmers a great deal much more reinforcement, set a padding on your hips.

How to get pregnant faster

Know your probabilities (as well as be reassured)

If you're under 35 and also generally healthier, chances excel you will certainly indulge in another 18 months about 60 each cent of pairs within this market conceive in the initial fifty percent a year, 80 per cent each the calendar year, and within a year 5 about 90 percent of couples develop, states Patel stated Now you have about a 15 percent opportunity of developing each month. 'It is in fact a rather small portion that'll have fertility problems as well as also will be needing treatment,' she specifies. For great deals of people, it's like this old expression, 'When initially you do not do well, try and also try once more'

Your fertility does begin to decrease even more sharply after age 3-5, but as a result if you're old it usually takes even more time to conceive.

[irmolorienasks-imagines]

Irmo Headcanons Summary (part 1)

Not including AU headcanons or headcanons that aren’t made by me. Also, I have excluded any headcanons about Irmo’s nightmare form or Dark!Irmo, because this post would have been too chaotic; as well as the concepts related to his Cult (courtesy of @elf-in-a-mask) or anything concerning shipping. These are all the headcanons I have come up with to this day.

IRMO’S APPEARANCE

Irmo’s featues are very delicate; the best way to describe them is probably “doll-like”. His skn, too, is pale like porcelain and his body frail and gaunt; like he is about to break. Unlike most of the Valar whose fanas are impressive in size, Irmo has chosen to have this tiny, lithe, physically feeble fana simply because the nature of his work is not based on the physical realm; thus he does not need to be either strong or big in size. His use of many substances also contributes to his frailness.

He is also incredibly beautiful, and the personification of desire. After all, he was created before the concepts of beauty or desire, hence these concepts were created after his own image.

Same as the fanart I have seen so far, I imagine Irmo to have long, wavy silverish-white hair, which sometimes switches colors, according to his moods (it might turn pastel blue when he feels melancholy or pink in the same way that people blush).

Irmo is the perfect example of Androgyny™. Being the Vala of desires he invented both male and female desires, after all. I cannot help but think of him as an actual hermaphrodite. However, since he invented carnal desires, he also knows how to control them and not leave himself at their mercy. 

Also, he often switches between a female and a male form.

The scariest thing about Irmo is his eyes. His gaze has this eerie expressionless tranquility and looks like he is gazing into nothing; but when he turns to look at someone; that someone has the feeling that Irmo’s eyes penetrate their very soul; all their thoughts and secrets revealed to the Master of Dreams; an experience commonly seen as unnerving and terrifying. His eyes do not have pupils; the irises are iridescent; changing colors according to the angle one looks at them and the illumination, and they emit a strange, purple light. But when he is upset or mad at someone, his eyes turn pit black -very much resembling his brother’s eyes.

Irmo’s eye color usually varies from pale white to silver, to gold, to blue, to pink, to purple.

Irmo’s skin and wings are bioilluminescent and they glow in the dark (that is one of the many reasons butterflies and moths are attracted to him). There are areas of his skin, (like the butterfly pattern on his face) where the bioilluminescene is more intense. Those spots are also full of neural endings, which makes them really sensitive to the touch (a.k.a erogenous zones) 

Speaking of Irmo’s bioilluminescence, this ability cannot be consciously regulated by him. The glowing is completely tied to his emotions and how he is feeling. When sleeping, the light is soft. If he is angry, the light is piercing and will sear your eyes. He will also glow a certain way when he is aroused as well, which leads to some uncomfortable situations.That is because the glow comes from a part of the fea that is related to the unconscious self; and since Irmo’s powers are very much related to the unconscious (as I like to think of it, he IS the vala of the unconscious mind) it makes sense that his glowing is much stronger than the other valar. But still, even though he is the vala of the unconscious mind, he, too, has an unconscious part of the fea; therefore he cannot control the glowing. 

Much like his moths, Irmo’s skin emits pheromones that can influence the thoughts and emotions of the people who come across him.

IRMO’S WINGS

Irmo’s wings are similar to fairy wings; only they are much larger.

His wings do not have a standard color; instead, they are iridescent and translucent; the holographic patterns on them changing according to the illumination.

They look like butterfly wings at first glance, but in fact they are a bit thinner than those and just about equally smooth to the touch.

The best way to describe their structure would be to compare them to stained glass windows; a network of connective tissue and blood vessels providing the basis on which the wing is built.

Naturally, his wings contain also a great amount on nerve endings; which means that they are super sensitive to the touch.

That, combined with how thin they are, is the main reason why he does not let others touch them; unless he trusts them a great deal.But if he does, he REALLY enjoys it.

However, this sensitivity of theirs causes Irmo all sorts of problems. For example, clothing that fully covers his back makes him feel uncomfortable, because the fabric -no matter how soft- irritates and stifles them.

For that reason, Irmo’s fashion choices are on the more…inventive and sensual side, including laces and multiple straps so that they tie around his back instead of covering it.

…and of course, they are very susceptible to injuries and lacerations if handled inappropriately. On the good side, though, they heal really quick.

His wings cannot disappear at will. Instead, they release some kind of pheromone that makes them stick onto his body like a second skin. In that form, etched onto his back, shoulders, waist and thighs, they look like a whole-body tattoo from a distance, until one notices that they are holographic and shimmer; that is.

When Irmo needs to use his wings again, they just stop releasing that pheromone, and as a result, they dry out and detach from his skin, ready for flight.His wings, much like insects’ wings are waterproof. Instead of absorbing it, they form droplets that gradually slide off them. Needless to say; the spectacle of Irmo’s wings being wet after he has had a bath or early, when they catch the morning mist, is priceless to behold.

His wings display such an odd behavior sometimes, that it might seem as if they have will of their own. They tend to make involuntary moves that give away his emotional condition at any given time; be it surprize, annoyance, fear or awkwardness. They also tend to move while he is asleep; somehow managing to keep up with their surroundings. If, for example, someone who Irmo likes sits next to him while he is asleep, his wings will start caressing their face. If someone who Irmo is not that fond of sits next to him, however, they pat them angrily, trying to shove them away.

IRMO’S POWERS/ABILITIES/WORSHIP

The behaviors which are attributed to Irmo are: dreams, desires (carnal or otherwise), visions/hallucinations, slips of the tongue, neuroses, psychoses ritualistic behavior, inspiration/art, meditation, transcendence.

Irmo and Este have also invented pharmacology and consequently, all types of drugs; both recreational and pharmaceutical; whose starting materials are found in abundance in Lorien’s gardens.The maiar are making concoctios of every flower or plant has psychoaffective properties and they try them themselves, noting down what their effects are. However, the maiar cannot get dependant on any of these substances; they view them merely as a part of their work.Similarly, Irmo himself may enjoy the effects that recreational drugs produce, but he cannot get dependant on them or even get high enough to be incapable of rational thinking and normal functioning.Irmo may know more about drugs than anyone else, but he is very strict when it comes to their consumption by people who are not in need of them; that is why phenomena such as drug dependency really disappoint and confuse him.

Additionally, Irmo represents he horror of nightmares and creeping insanity.

The gemstones that are attributed to Irmo (and irmo’s worship) are amethyst, moonstone and opal. 

Moths, butterflies and other kinds of insects are canonically associated with Irmo because of the whole “metamorphosis” concept. Serpents too; because they shed their skin -so they go through a kind of metamorphosis too- and are poisonous. And of course, amphibians like axolotls and toads, -they go through a metamorphosis, shed their skin AND produce substances with psychoaffective and even toxic properties

One of the most famous phrases that are linked to Irmo is “Edro Sēlda”, which in Quenya means “Open your Eye”.

Irmo cannot leave the gardens of Lorien, except for very short periods of time; because the gardens themselves are an extension of his self. Without his presence there, the flowers wither and winter comes to the gardens. 

Although he has all the good intentions in the world, he just cannot communicate in a common-sense-compatible way, which makes getting along almost impossible. Not all hope is lost, though, because his dream logic does makes sense if someone sleeps or meditates upon what he has said; besides, he can still communicate in non-verbal ways, like sending visions and interacting directly with the other person’s fea. Due to his odd antics, his company is obviously not everyone’s cup of tea, but he does maintain a small circle of loyal friends. He is very lenient and caring with his maiar, always willing to listen to their ideas and viewpoints; and he trusts them enough to let them run the gardens when he is too preoccupied in creating dreamworlds (which is most of the time). However, there is a set of unspoken rules that he maintains and should be respected by everyone in the Gardens; though they are in a form of ever-present subtext, subtle enough to go unnoticed and clear enough not to be misinterpreted.

Irmo can see into the thoughts of all beings, including those of the other Valar. Doing that includes not only hearing the thoughts themselves, but is also accompanied by sounds, colors, shapes and their unique atmosphere.

He can also manipulate their thoughts and send them visions at will.However, he maintains a confidentiality and privacy policy when it comes to reading/manipulating one’s thoughts, because he considers that to be a very intrusive and disrespectful act.

Irmo follows a strict “do no harm” policy; almost like the hippocratic oath (which is probably one of the reasons he married Este). So when he has to go to battle he does not carry any weapons; he is only equipped with a magical dreamcatcher-like net that when thrown against his enemies it puts them into a deep sleep, thus debilitating them. 

Very few are aware of it; but that net is one of Irmo’s only weaknesses; for one can capture him only by tangling him in it; in any other case he will be able to somehow escape. Namo is one of the very few who know this, and that is why when they ride to battle he always keeps an eye out for his brother, lest he finds himself in danger. 

Some sorts of dreams Irmo creates are meant for the Valar alone, because no mortal mind can bear them. Sometimes, even the Valar can barely handle them.

Even though many people -the Valar included- clearly do not enjoy those dreams; Irmo doesn’t mind, because he loves experimenting and pushing the limits of the mind.

Irmo finds creating nightmares more interesting than creating pleasant dreams, because he finds fear and objects of fear fascinating.Irmo can bend anyone to his will, using fears as a threat to obtain all he wants. Also, if he so wishes, he can drive anyone insane.

Creating dreams -and especially nightmares- is way more draining of a task than what it seems, and even Irmo needs to rest from time to time. Of course he has created dreams for himself; however when he is exhausted, he prefers to have a dreamless sleep.

Being more sensual than sexual does not prevent Irmo from seeing sexual intercourse as a therapeutic means to help others feel bette. If he thinks someone is going to be immensely benefitted by a session of tantric sex, he is going to provide it himself; or at least provide a vivid vision of it. He thinks nothing of it; merely a part of his work; and consequently, he does not allow himself to take any pleasure from it.

Irmo, being the master of desires, can make someone drowed by lust or petrified by fear with a mere gaze or touch. If he is feeling really playful, he would accompany those effects with visions or he’d whisper to their ear with his soft sultry voice, just to observe the effects it has on them.

Really few beings can actually grasp how difficult it is for Irmo to keep his powers under control and not accidentally probe one’s mind or evoke some unwanted emotion or desire by touching or even by looking at someone. The ones who can grasp that are the ones in whose presence Irmo accidentally put down his guard for even a fraction of a second because the effects were…. memorable.That also explains why the Eldar and the Edain often behave in odd, erratic ways. Their unconscious minds were formed in Irmo’s image, but since they are not Valar, they have much lower level of control over them.

The exclamation that is most frequently directed towards Irmo by the Children of Eru is “I didn’t realize how exhausted I was”, closely followed by “I didn’t realize how horny I was”, because his presence has those effects on them, even without him doing anything in particular that causes either.

Often, when he is too busy making his dream worlds, Irmo won’t be able to greet guests himself. Instead, he sends a flock of butterflies to them and turns the patterns onto their wings into eyes, to let them know he is aware they are there and that he can listen to their woes.

It is impossible to take a picture of Irmo that isn’t blurred or paradoxical.

IRMO’S HABITS

Irmo smokes some sort of hookah when he is lying on his favorite recliner; when he roams his gardens though, he always has an opium pipe with him. Thus, his breath (and entire being, really) has the sweet and exotic smell of incense, orchid essence, danish pipe tobacco and opium.

Irmo might seem quite sweet and pleasant, but he hides a really creepy and dark interior; and he is, in fact, one of the most unintentionally creepy Valar, along with his brother.

Contrary to common belief; Irmo is almost never “horny”; he is just quite sensual by nature. What might be considered as “leading people on” for Irmo is only “expressing affection”. In the kind of rare situations where he IS horny though, his skin emits a very pleasant scent (like a pheromone), he gets feverish warm and his eyes glisten more than usual. Also, when that happens, he usually avoids the object of his desires; but when it finally comes down to it, with a single touch or a stare he can inspire great lust. Sleeping with Irmo not as therapy but as an act of love might be very rare; but the few who have can testify that is a transcendental experience, dream-like and unlike anything they experienced before. That is what one gets for bedding the master of desires.

Both Irmo and his maiar are what others would describe as narcoleptics; they fall into that deep sleep state at random moments and even during conversations or while they are walking.Basically they are asleep most of the time; which short intervals of wakefulness are all the more important to them, because that is when they have the opportunity to rest and socialize.

They might not seem like it, but they are in fact VERY HARD WORKING. What others perceive as a period of inactivity, is actually their main reality; they LIVE into the dream world and build it like the Valar built Arda.

He LOVES sweets. Like, REALLY loves sweets. He barely eats anything that is not sweet. Marshmallows, candy floss, grapes, plums, figs; anything goes. Even straigt-up sugar cubes and sugar water. He is the type of person who adds a ton of milk and sugar in their tea; HOWEVER he drinks coffee black as the Void, because the bitter taste does not annoy him. But give him something that tastes even slightly sour or salty, and you are bound to make him cry. 

Irmo is very fond of all kinds of art. Artists, writers and composers often turn to Irmo in their prayers to grant them with inspiration to create. 

Irmo has a very strange sense of humor. He finds the most random or morbid things to be amusing

Irmo prefers walking around naked and covered only by his wings. He has gone through countless fights with Este because of that habit, but still he does not understand why she insists that he puts on some clothes when around people. 

Irmo’s favorite color is purple; he loves all of its shades, from lavender to royal purple and he feels calmer when he is around purple objects in general. His least favorite color is bright yellow, because it stresses him out with its intensity. 

Given that he is a being who sleeps 90% of the time, it is astonishing how easily he can get stressed; as if he is not used to normal life paces. He frets and panics over minor issues, most people would have no trouble dealing with; but when it comes to more complex issues things that would confuse others, he is the calmest person to be around. 

Since there is dim lighting at all times in the gardens of Lorien, it is safe to assume that Irmo hates hAteS HATES bright light and loud noises, because -guess what- they stress him out. It is also safe to say that he is also not very fond of complete darkness (he wouldn’t admit it, but it scares him; so if he suddenly finds himself in a complete dark space he is definitly going to clutch on anything close to him, be it a pillow, a plushie or another person) and closed spaces. 

Irmo has absolutely no idea what all the fuss about the Silmarills is about or why everyone is obsessed with shiny objects, because he cannot stand shiny/bright things himself.

Irmo has at least 10 butterflies or moths on his person at all times. They just love him - probably because they see his white hair and iridescent fae wings and they think of him as a mother figure.

Irmo doesn’t like wearing “normal” clothing cause his wings feel so stifled underneath the fabric; so he prefers having his whole back exposed, and his clothes being tied with ribbons around his waist and shoulders so that his wings sprout and move freely. Bonus: he is not aware how sexy his clothes are considered to be -or how sexy he is for that matter-.

Irmo is an absulute fan of stained glass structures. All the buildings in Lorien’s gardens, including Irmo’s and Este’s private quarters are made exclusively out of stained glass. 

He also loves the sound of the Glass Harp (or Glass Harmonica). For those who do not know the particular instrument, it was a predecessor of the piano and his sound is in equal parts dream-like and eerie. 

Irmo’s favorite sea creatures are jellyfish. Somewhere in the gardens Irmo has a huge tank filled with jellyfish. He spends many hours just watching them, because he finds their movements so graceful and relaxing. Their swimming around remind him of the dance of fëar when leaving their mortal hröar. 

One of the things very few know about Irmo, is how deep his insecurities and self hatred go. That is a part of him that he prefers keeping buried deep inside him, but it exists nonetheless. For that reason, being ravished in a punishing, hurtful way is one of the desires he is too afraid to admit to even himself, although it makes sense since there is that one voice deep inside his mind that tells him that he deserves all the pain he would get. Knowing oneself so intimately can be a curse, you see; and even though he is the master of dreams and desires, being loved by someone for whom he really has feelings is such an incomprehensible concept for him. The only situation he would let himself reveal that desire would be if he was extremely sad and upset, and the object of his affections tried to comfort him. Well, yes; in the realms of the subconscious sanity and insanity are both relative.

IRMO AND THE FEANTURI HEADCANONS

Let’s begin with canon: Namo’s surname is Vefantur/Vefantor or Nurofeantur, which means by word “the one who reveals all alike” (hence, the one who reveals the common fate, the nihilist). His name “Namo” means “he who judges”.Irmo’s surname is Olfantor/Olfantur or Olofeantur, which means by word “the one who reveals the hidden path” or “the one who reveals the nightly path” (hence, the one who reveals the unconscious truth). His name “Irmo” means “he who desires”. 

I like to think that the Feanturi have their own language that they use to speak to each other (this includes Nienna and Estë). None of the other valar can understand it no matter how hard that they try to study and learn it.

All three siblings have these strange eyes like deep dark pools of liquid void. No one, not even the Valar, can make direct eye contact with them for long without feeling like they are being consumed.

When the Feanturi all show up to a feast, everyone stops and goes silent. It is a rarity to actually have all together in one place as well. Part of this reaction is because they are associated with bad things happening to people.

Both Namo and Irmo are TERRIBLE at talking to people because nothing they say ever makes sense. Námo always gives extremely ominous statements out of nowhere and gives NO EXPLANATION as to what they mean. Is he foretelling your doom? Is he just joking? NO ONE KNOWS; which is why he makes everything awkward.- Irmó on the other hand, seems like he’s talking in riddles. He makes really weird analogies and metaphors that are impossible to understand and in general he works with dream logic, so nothing he says makes sense unless one sleeps on it.

There are no mentions of what weapons Namo and Irmo used in battle (although it is CANON that they rode on a carriage dragged by a black and a dappled grey horse), but for some reason I think they both worked together, Irmo throwing a kind of a magical net that puts all those captured by it to sleep and Namo collecting their fëar with a scythe.

Both Irmo and Namo are into taxidermy, after Nienna suggested that they should find a hobby. Namo is more into preserving skeletons, making skeleton props and decorating the Halls with them. Also, he pretty soon discovered that carving intricate decorative patterns on random skulls is oddly relaxing.

…as for Irmo, he is into diaphonizing different specimens and enclosing them into crystals. Many of his creations can be seen throughout the gardens of Lorien; adding to the eerie and dream-like atmosphere.

Nienna too, didn’t take long to join her brothers’ taxidermy obsession, and she likes making bone jewellery in her free time.

Irmo really enjoys sending wet dreams to Namo of all the acts they are forbidden and unable to perform together. And Namo is… um… highly impressed of Irmo’s creativity in that particular aspect of desires. 

Irmo’s and Namo’s favorite game is 20 questions, but with a twist: Namo presents some random information about an elf’s death and Irmo has to make out the whole scenario of how and why they died from scratch.

Noone should ever dare to insult Silmo in front of Irmo. He is his favorite Maia. He even gave Namo the cold shoulder for a little while after Namo said some rude things about Silmo. Interestingly enough, Silmo did find some satisfaction in that. He believed that Namo deserved it. 

IRMO’S MAIAR HEADCANONS

Irmo’s maiar look like creepy haunted dolls and are most of the time asleep in a specially formed area in the gardens, which looks like a very odd cemetery, with the maiar in a near comatose deep sleep in glass ornate cases

Irmo makes sure that his maiar are comfortable while sleeping (working, really, since their field is the dream world), adjusting their pillows and covering them with blankets -and sometimes giving them something to hug (especially to those who work on the nightmare section of dreams)

Just like his Master, Silmo has a pair of fae wings; only his are white monarch butterfly type , because he has to fly long distances. A soothing,warm, intense brightness surrounds him, coming from inside him. That brightness is unlike Irmo’s colder and more mysterious one, and that is why his presence is more comforting. Irmo himself will seek out his company when he is sad, and will sleep next to him until he feels better.

GARDENS OF LORIEN HEADCANONS

The most noteworthy thing about the Garens is that they are neither fixed nor stable in their nature; instead they are ever-changing and fluid; flunctuating between impossible landscapes and labyrinths that constantly move around, with the exception of a few landmarks that stay fixed.

The Lake of Thoughts at the Gardens of Lorien: As everything at the Gardens, this lake corresponds with Irmo’s state of mind; its colors altering  along with it. Its depth is unknown, and noone dares to find out, for if someone dives too deep, the waters never let them go and they swallow them to their infinite depths. Only Irmo can dive in fearlessly, and he likes to remain there, hidden in the deep waters for days on end, when he wants his sleep to be uninterrupted and creates the most intricate of dreams.

This one is actually from Tolkien’s Lost Works: “Lorien too dwelt far away, and his hall was great and dimly lit and had wide gardens. The place of his dwelling he called Murmuran, which Aule made of mists gathered beyond Arvalin upon the Shadowy Seas. ‘Twas set in the South by the feet of the Mountains of Valinor upon the confines of the realm,but its gardens wandered marvellously about, winding nigh to the feet of Silpion whose shining lit them strangely. They were full of labyrinths and mazes, for Palurien had given Lorien great wealth of yew trees and cedars, and of pines that exuded drowsy odours in the dusk; and these hung over deep pools. Glowworms crept about their borders and Varda had set stars within their depths for the pleasure of Lorien, but his sprites sang wonderfully in these gardens and the scent of nightflowers and the songs of sleepy nightingales filled them with great loveliness. There too grew the poppies glowing redly in the dusk, and those the Gods called fumellar the flowers of sleep — and Lorien used them much in his enchantments. Amidmost of those pleasances was set within a ring of shadowy cypress towering high that deep vat Silindrin. There it lay in a bed of pearls, and its surface unbroken was shot with silver flickerings, and the shadows of the trees lay on it, and the Mountains of Valinor could see their faces mirrored there. Lorien gazing upon it saw many visions of mystery pass across its face, and that he suffered never to be stirred from its sleep save when Silmo came noiselessly with a silver urn to draw a draught of its shimmering cools, and fared softly thence to water the roots of Silpion ere the tree of gold grew hot.”

It is canon that the gardens of Lorien are dimly lit at all times; with no evidence what the nature of the illumination is -excluding the stars Varda sent. Given the whole aesthetics of the gardens though, I highly suspect that they are lit with a mixture of a constant aurora borealis of a blue-ish/purple color and thousands of fireflies hovering above the garden.

In the gardens of Lorien there is one forest made entirely out of amethyst and quarz.

Yavanna got the inspiration to create the Two Trees by observing the native species of bioilluminescent plants and flowers that are only to be found there. Yavanna had zero involvement in the creation of the gardens; all the species that inhabit there are being created by Irmo alone; that is why many of them are utterly bizzare and uncanny, as if they stepped out of a fantasy painting.

Irmo has the ability to bring creatures and objects of his imagination into existance; however that ability can be applied only within the gardens of lorien

Speaking of which; i am persuaded that somewhere in those gardens floating mountains and islands like these exist, just because they overturn the laws of physics

Most of the species that live in the gardens of Lorien are not to be found anywhere else in Arda. One of the most famous ones is the fairy dragon. These are so few of them, and they are quite as temperamental and reclusive as their master, so spotting one in the gardens is said to bring luck. They are very small in size; the biggest of them barely reaching the size of a cat, their scales are colorful and as soft as flowerpetals, and once they reach adulthood, their wings take the shape and colors of butterfly wings, hence their name. Although having adopted the good willed and peaceful nature of their master; they are proud and regal creatures that stand out as the kings of the gardens’ ecosystem, and Irmo’s favorite pets. Irmo himself created them, after he was inspired by Melkor; and hurting one of his favorite pets is considered a great insult. It is pretty hard to go after them, however, because they rarely walk too far away from their master, and Irmo is known to carry at least two of them on his person at all times. When they want attention they make small needy squeals, and when they petted they trill and purr. If they are not handled with care, though, one should be careful of their anger, because their bite is poisonous. Thankfully, they usually prefer to fly away with a huff and a smack with their tail.

The temperature of the Gardens at night is somewhat chilly, so that the sleepers can snuggle with their blankets.

When Irmo is crying or he is sad, it is raining at the gardens. 

In the rare occassions Irmo gets REALLY angry, the sky turns into a blood red color; the gardens are being buried by a forest of poisonous thorns and the water at the lorien springs and fountains starts boiling. 

The color of the sky in Lorien’s gardens, as well as the color of the water in the fountains, springs and lakes is controlled by Irmo himself, reflecting his emotional state and mindset. Irmo adores swimming in the lakes and springs of the gardens; especially laying underwater for hours on end while brewing dreams

The most usual material for clothing at the Gardens is silk; with so many moths around. However, since killing the sacred insects of Irmo in order to produce silk is not allowed, there is a whole new method of making the fabric. Instead of boiling the silkworms’ cocoons to kill them off, they wait for the silkworms to metamorphose into moths and then they collect the empty coccoons and process them to liquify the silk and then make it into thread anew. Moreover, unlike regular silk which only comes in white, various species of moths in the gardens produce colored and/or phosphorescent silk. 

[snaketonguedgod]

Trials and Tribulations

(Because all you need to do to get me to write a fic is to mention it in my vicinity. Also available on AO3 if you prefer. Snarry AU where Sev is a lawyer and Harry is his assistant)

Severus glared at Harry. He wondered, as he had from the very moment he had said yes, why on earth he had agreed to make the young man his assistant. Harry knew nothing about the law. In fact, as far as Severus could tell, Harry knew nothing about anything. Harry looked faintly pitiful, giving him a beseeching look with those enchanting emerald green eyes. Severus sighed. He knew why he had agreed, he just wouldn’t admit it. Sentimentality. It was the kind of thing that would ruin his reputation. Not that he had much of a reputation. He was desperately trying to build one. He was hoping to be known as a fearsome lawyer, scarily capable and talented beyond all imagination. He also hoped to be paid, as he was always very conscious of the amount of money in his bank account compared to the cost of his rent. He had already accepting that being able to afford to eat was asking too much of reality, and that therefore he would likely starve to death before he managed to get very far in his career.

He could see now that he wasn’t going to gain that fearsome reputation, just as clearly as he could see the smudge on Harry’s glasses. He wondered if he should inform Harry, genuinely concerned that he might not have noticed and would find it revolutionary to realise that the world was actually clearer than he was currently seeing.

The up side, Severus had to admit, was that he had a case. The down side was the case. When Harry had cheerfully promised to help find clients, Severus had not expected that Harry would be accused of murder. He sighed. Capitulation really was the best option. He already knew the extent of the evidence, which was damning. Harry had claimed to have found a potential client, though given his vague at best awareness of what Severus actually did Severus wasn’t convinced that the client would be any good. Harry had then been found by the police, covered in blood standing over the body of Sirius Black, the man that was supposed to be Severus’s potential client. Severus supposed that it was true, he did now have a client. He just wasn’t happy with his client being his annoying assistant. He didn’t want to think too hard about why he was so unhappy about it when he found Harry to be so irritating. That seemed like it was something emotional, and he didn’t have time for that.

Even had the evidence not been wholly against Harry, the mere fact that the prosecutor was Voldemort meant that Severus stood no chance. Voldemort wasn’t actually Voldemort’s real name, but those who knew it rarely dared speak it. Few even dared call him Voldemort. He was known as the Dark Lord of the Courts. Severus knew that he was destined to be just another lawyer chewed up and spat out by the unholy terror that was Voldemort. He wanted, more than anything, to just walk away. To wash his hands of the entire thing. But once again, sentimentality brought on by those damn green eyes made him stay. He sighed, accepted his fate. He couldn’t believe the young man in front of him was capable of murder. 

He regretted it once he stood in court, of course. Harry grinned encouragingly from the defendant’s box, and Severus briefly considered what the outcome would be if he throttled his client before the opening statement. As it was, his opening statement was mostly a creative rewording of: “Please?”

Across from him was Voldemort, the man who formed the basis of the nightmares of most lawyers. He had never, as far as Severus was aware, lost a case. Mostly he reduced his opponents to a gibbering mess. Generally, the client was found guilty and the lawyer retired. The last person who had tried to defend someone against Voldemort had lost the case in 43 minutes and had consequently retired to become a goat farmer. Severus was already considering alternative careers.

“Between you and him,” Harry said, far too cheerfully for someone on trial for murder, “You’ve got one normal sized nose.”

Severus wondered once again why he was bothering to defend Harry. He reached a hand to his admittedly rather large nose, feeling offended. It was, as far as he was concerned, an entirely unnecessary comment for Harry to make. He was also somewhat disturbed by the fact that Harry seemed far more optimistic and relaxed than he was. He didn’t want Harry to be screaming in terror, as that would be both annoying and distracting, but some kind of concern over the fact that he was probably going to be spending the rest of his life behind bars would make Severus feel less like he was overreacting to the situation. Anyone would have thought it was Severus on trial, given their respective demeanours.

Harry was right, to an extent. No one had ever dared ask why it was that Voldemort appeared to have no nose. It could have been some awful accident, it could have been an unfortunate result of plastic surgery. He could have been born like that. The important thing was that he was terrifying. You did not ask terrifying men why they didn’t have noses. Severus briefly considered gagging Harry, as he had a dreadful suspicion that Harry was exactly the kind of person who would ask. As far as he could tell, Harry lacked any sense of self-preservation. He also lacked the killing instinct, which was why Severus was standing there, ready to protect him from Voldemort who he rather suspected did. Maybe he had traded his nose for it. 

Luckily, Harry kept quiet. Dumbledore, an old man who was mostly beard, presided over them as the judge. Severus did feel a slight glimmer of relief at that. He was one of the few judges who could stand up to Voldemort, which gave Severus a slight chance. Once Voldemort had finished his opening statement, he returned to his original musings to whether or not he would make a good cancan dancer. He had the legs for it, and he would be far far away from Voldemort.

Resolutely ignoring Harry, Severus focused all of his energy on his opponent’s argument. Slowly but surely, he chipped away at the accusations. Harry had a perfectly good reason for being in Sirius’s office. If he was dim enough to be found standing over the body then he would be too dim to wipe his fingerprints from the murder weapon. Harry took offence at Severus’s belief in his dimness being used as a point of defence, but the court accepted it. There was blatantly no motive (unless Harry was really so desperate to provide Severus with a client that he was willing to commit murder so Severus could defend him, but Severus had always hoped to get innocent clients rather than insane ones who would do something like that). As Severus kept his cool and did his best, despite all the odds, he felt the strange sensation of Voldemort becoming more and more frustrated. Harry gazed at him like he was some kind of superhero, which made Severus briefly check that he had got the order of his trousers and pants the right way round. He had been very nervous when he got dressed that morning. Luckily, he was dressed appropriately and it was just that he was behaving heroically that was producing that reaction.

Slowly, he found that he was not just countering Voldemort’s accusations, but actively proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Harry was genuinely innocent. Dumbledore looked impressed, though it was hard to tell with the sheer amount of beard. Severus could well have been imagining it. The tide really started to turn when he began to prod away at the issue of who, other than Harry, could have possibly been behind the murder. He hadn’t expected to manage to get that far. His best case scenario when he had started the case had been managing to somehow prove Harry’s innocence (sadly, telling everyone to just look at those green eyes was not sufficient proof and therefore not usable in a court of law). He had not expected that he would accidentally accuse Voldemort of orchestrating the entire plot, even if he had not struck the killing blow himself. But he had logically followed all the evidence, and once the false assumption that Harry was guilty was removed that was the only possible explanation.

After that, there was very little except for Dumbledore to pass the verdict of innocent. Severus nearly collapsed with relief, which was probably not very professional. Harry hissed at Voldemort, which was probably not a great demonstration of his sanity. Voldemort hissed back, which was just plain creepy, before being taken away for further questioning. 

He really shouldn’t have been surprised when Harry made the seismic shift from living with him to living with him, a change that was significant even if there was little visible difference. Harry had, upon inviting himself to be Severus’s assistant, also informed him that he had no home and had thus taken to sleeping on Severus’s sofa in the small flat Severus tried his best to afford the rent of. When Harry moved from the sofa into Severus’s bed, Severus wondered why he was allowing it. But the answer was really those green eyes, which turned his heart to molten gold even if they were constantly hidden by ugly glasses. Just as he would chip away at the cases stacked up against his clients (which more often than not were Harry accused of murder yet again), Harry had chipped away at the barriers surrounding his heart. A slow progression, where Severus had never once stopped his irritation with some of Harry’s antics. Harry had just added behaviours like kissing him into his repertoire, and Severus found that he was never quite as irritated as he might act. 

“I hope we can get an interesting client,” Harry said, stretching languidly. He said that most days, enjoying poking his nose into other people’s business where it most definitely didn’t belong. At least Severus had the excuse that he was literally a lawyer. Harry was just nosy. 

After Voldemort’s indictment, Severus had had to defend Harry from accusations of murder a further seven times. Voldemort had plenty of supporters, who all seemed quite eager to frame Harry in all sorts of bizarre ways. Severus was oddly relieved that they weren’t actually trying to murder him, though also despairing of having to repeatedly defend his assistant-turned-lover in court. It was a stressful enough job as it was, even without that added dimension.

“I hope we can get a paying client,” Severus grumbled. Harry liked to take on pitiful cases, with sad people he felt sorry for. Severus often dreamed of an easy case with a rich client. The last case had involved him defending a family that Harry had taken a shine to. He had successfully proved the Weasleys completely innocent of all charges. The Weasleys had then proved to him that they were incredibly poor. Every morning, in lieu of payment, one of the Weasley children would come round with a tray of freshly baked muffins or biscuits. The advantage of this was that it had come at a time when Severus was trying to decide between paying the rent and buying food so that they could eat. A better solution would have been the Weasleys paying him, so he could have bought his own food, but it was at least better than starving to death.

Harry smiled, as if he saw something good hidden deep inside Severus. Severus tried to ignore him, knowing that he should get up and face the day. First, however, he leant forward and kissed Harry. That would help get the day off to a good start. He’d find a client, someone who would pay him and satisfy Harry’s desire for interesting cases. He was building a reputation as a dedicated lawyer, with people still in awe of him winning the  case against Voldemort that was now regarded as almost legendary. Some days it was alright to indulge the irritating assistant who had wormed his way so persistently into Severus’s life, making himself so much a part of it that he doubted he would remember what it was like to be without that constant, cheerful presence. 

[johnmauldin]

5 Charts That Show We Are on the Brink of an Unthinkable Crisis

Bonfires are fun to watch, but they eventually burn out.

Human folly apparently doesn’t, so we just keep adding to the absurdities. The volume of daily economic lunacy that lights up my various devices is truly stunning, and it seems to be increasing (you can find a previous series of charts in my free newsletter Thoughts from the Frontline, which you can subscribe to here).

Let’s take a look at a series of charts I received from my “kitchen cabinet” of friends.

The Economy Is More Deleveraged Than Ever

First up is Grant Williams who sent me a monumental slide deck.  Here is just one example of craziness.

Source: Grant Williams

This chart is straightforward: It’s outstanding credit as a percentage of GDP. Broadly speaking, this is a measure of how leveraged the US economy is.

It was in a sedate 130%–170% range as the economy industrialized in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. It popped higher in the 1920s and 1930s before settling down again. Then came the 1980s. Credit jumped above 200% of GDP and has never looked back.

It climbed steadily until 2009 and now hovers over 350%.

Absurd doesn’t do this situation justice. We are mind-bogglingly leveraged. And consider what the chart doesn’t show. Many individuals and businesses carry no debt at all, or certainly less than 350% leverage. That means many others must be leveraged far higher.

While lending has been a very lucrative business in recent decades, it’s hard to believe it can last. At some point we must experience a great deleveraging. When that happens, it won’t be fun.

Cash Allocation Is Lowest Since 2007

“Contrarian” investors believe success lies in going against the crowd, because the crowd is usually wrong. My own experience suggests one small adjustment: Pay attention not to what the crowd says but to what it does. Words are cheap.

This next chart is a prime example.

We see here the amount of cash held by Merrill Lynch clients from 2005 to the present, as a percentage of their assets. The average is about 13%.

Source: Fasanara Capital

The pattern is uncanny. In 2007, as stock indexes reached their peak, cash holdings were well below average. They rose quickly as the crisis unfolded, peaking almost exactly with the market low in early 2009.

In other words, at the very time when it would have been best to reduce cash and buy equities, Merrill Lynch clients did the opposite. And when they should have been raising cash, they kept their holdings low. I don’t think this pattern is unique to Merrill Lynch’s clients; Market timing is hard for everyone.

The disturbing part is where the chart ends. Merrill Lynch client cash allocations are now even lower than they were at that 2007 trough. Interest rates are much lower, too, so maybe that’s not surprising.

Central banks spent the last decade all but forcing investors to buy risk assets and shun cash. This data suggests it worked. But whatever the reason, investor cash levels suggest that caution is quite unpopular right now.

So if you consider yourself a contrarian, maybe it’s time to raise some cash.

Michael Lewitt’s Reality Check

Michael Lewitt’s latest letter came in this morning. He began with the marvelous Ralph Waldo Emerson quote that I used at the beginning of this letter, and then he helpfully contributed this list of absurdities:

Anyone questioning whether financial markets are in a bubble should consider what we witnessed in 2017:

• A painting (which may be fake) sold for $450 million. • Bitcoin (which may be worthless) soared nearly 700% from $952 to ~$8000. • The Bank of Japan and the European Central Bank bought $2 trillion of assets. • Global debt rose above $225 trillion to more than 324% of global GDP. • US corporations sold a record $1.75 trillion in bonds. • European high-yield bonds traded at a yield under 2%. • Argentina, a serial defaulter, sold 100-year bonds in an oversubscribed offer. • Illinois, hopelessly insolvent, sold 3.75% bonds to bondholders fighting for allocations. • Global stock market capitalization skyrocketed by $15 trillion to over $85 trillion and a record 113% of global GDP. • The market cap of the FANGs increased by more than $1 trillion. • S&P 500 volatility dropped to 50-year lows and Treasury volatility to 30-year lows. • Money-losing Tesla Inc. sold 5% bonds with no covenants as it burned $4+ billion in cash and produced very few cars.

This is a joyless bubble, however. It is accompanied by political divisiveness and social turmoil as the mainstream media hectors the populace with fake news. Immoral behavior that was tolerated for years is finally called to account while a few brave journalists fight against establishment forces to reveal deep corruption at the core of our government (yes, I am speaking of Uranium One and the Obama Justice Department). In 2018, a lot of chickens are going to come home to roost in Washington, D.C., on Wall Street, and in the media centers of New York City and Los Angeles. Icons will be blasted into dust as the tides of cheap money, cronyism, complicity, and stupidity recede. Beware entities with too much debt, too much secrecy, too much hype. Beware false idols. Every bubble destroys its idols, and so shall this one.

The Fed’s Balance-Sheet Unwind Spells Trouble

The next absurdity is absurd because it is so obvious, yet many don’t want to see it. Too bad, because I’m going to make you look.

This comes from Michael Lebowitz of 720 Global. It’s the S&P 500 Index overlaid with the Federal Reserve’s balance sheet and the forecast of where the Federal Reserve intends to take its balance sheet.

Source: 720 Global

The Fed and other central banks have practically forced investors into risk assets since 2008. You can see the relationship very clearly in this chart. The green segments of the S&P 500’s rise occurred during quantitative easing programs.

Correlation isn’t causation, but I think we can safely draw some connections here.

Ample low-cost liquidity drives asset prices higher. That’s not controversial. It makes perfect sense that the withdrawal of ample low-cost liquidity would also impact asset prices in the opposite direction.

The Fed has even given us a schedule by which it will unwind its balance sheet. Michael’s chart gives us a sense of how far the S&P 500 could drop if the Fed unwinds as planned and if the relationship between liquidity and stock prices persists. Either or both of those could change; but if they don't, the S&P 500 could fall 50% in the next few years.

Volatility-Linked Hedges Won’t Deliver in a Flash Crash

Many investors see all these warning signs but think they can keep riding the market higher and hedge against losses at the same time. It doesn’t really work that way.

Wall Street firms have rolled out all kinds of volatility-linked products that purport to protect you from sudden downside events. Most of these products are linked to the Volatility Index, or VIX.

Volatility has been persistently low as the market has risen in recent years. That has made it cheap to buy protection against a volatility spike. However, it’s not clear if the sellers of this protection will be able to deliver as promised.

My friend Doug Kass has been concerned about this for some time. He believes the risks of a “flash crash” are rising, and those who think they are hedged may learn that they are not.

He shared this Morgan Stanley graphic of how many VIX futures contracts would have to be bought to cover a one-day market drop.

Between hedgers, dealers, and ETP sponsors, a one-day 5% downward spike in the S&P 500 would force the purchase of over 400,000 VIX futures contracts. This was in October, and the figure has probably risen more since then. Doug isn’t sure a market under that kind of stress can deliver that much liquidity.

I suspect the various VIX-linked products will disappoint buyers when the unwind occurs.

High-Yield Debt Might Be a Trigger for the Next Crisis

Doug also shared what will be the final graph for this week and observed, “This is the dreaded alligator formation, and the jaws always close.”

It’s just a matter of time. It could take another year and get even sillier, but when that gator snaps its jaws shut, a lot of people will get bitten.

I personally think the bubble in high-yield debt, accompanied by so much convenant-lite offerings, will be the source of the next true liquidity crisis.

Source: ZeroHedge

The amount of money available to market makers to use to maintain some type of order in a falling high-yield market is absurdly low. Investors in high-yield mutual funds and ETFs think they have liquidity, but the managers of those funds will be forced to sell into a market where there is no price and there are no bids.

Oh, the bids will show up at 50% discounts. Distressed-debt funds and vulture capital will see opportunities, and they will be there. Talk about blood in the streets.

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[gaming-rabbot]

Rabbot Reviews: Night in the Woods

Painfully relatable, wonderfully colorful, delightfully charming, and exasperatingly existential.

Imagine a much tamer BoJack Horseman, with a colorful flourish and sense of nostalgia reminiscent of Hotline Miami, mixed with the millennial Scooby-Doo gang vibe of Oxenfree. Also imagine if Life is Strange felt less artificial with its blatant farce of an attempt at understanding hip kid lingo, and that Firewatch actually bothered going somewhere with its thriller esque setup and plot hooks.

That’s a jumbled mess of words, but also a perfect descriptor for the subject of this review: Night in the Woods.

Night in the Woods stars the unassuming Mae Borrowski, a 20 year old college dropout who has returned to her podunk, middle-of-nowhere, boring town, where nothing good ever happened to anybody, least of all Mae.

Upon return, she’s met with passive-aggression spiced concern from parents who honestly just want to know what their only child is going through, and friends who all either already have or are in the process of growing up and moving on in life. Thus, her return meant to ease her back into the comforts of nostalgia and something resembling normalcy only seem to cause her more anxiety and strife.

Also the crushingly slow and depressing realization that life has no meaning and nothing we do in the universe actually matters. But hey, one thing at a time, right guys?

Last call for a (mild) spoiler warning.

The very first thing to note is that Night in the Woods is a certain type of game. And if you grit your teeth and practically feel your blood boil at the very thought of this type of game, first I might suggest seeing a doctor, but second and more importantly, NitW more than likely will not change your mind about this type of game.

I am referring, of course, to the ever-fun and totally-never-controversial-topic, the walking simulator. Where things like failure states scarcely show their faces, and gameplay mostly takes a backseat to narrative.

And by backseat, this sometimes means a bus. A very long bus.

I’ve talked about it before, but nobody reads my reviews, so I’ll say it again: I personally have absolutely no qualm nor quibble with the existence of this new and befuddling genre of video game. At least, not at face value. When the only thing a game is properly offering is a narrative, then I won’t hold that against the game, so long as said narrative can deliver. Not like Firewatch or Life is Strange, where the lack of an actual game further hampers the lack of a good or wholly competent story.

Besides, variety is the spice of life, my friend, despite what certain YouTube personalities will tell you. And a diverse offering of games means a diverse offering of self-proclaimed “gamers,” which goes on to mean the industry can only grow and get better as a whole with market expansion. You know, the only good part of capitalism; more media getting produced to the point where that incredibly niche thing you always wanted to see get made, well, finally getting made.

You know the one.

More to the point, I ask that narrative heavy games deliver. And deliver Night in the Woods did, with a fairly agreeable amount of competence.

It is at this point in the review, where the review has yet to actually begin, that I’d like to announce that I had been looking forward to this game for three years, ever since I first laid eyes on the Kickstarter trailer.

(Which, by the way, this game was funded via Kickstarter, so take that extra tidbit for what you will. I know it’s a touchy subject after things like Mighty No. 9.)

After which point, however, the game experienced something like three or four release delays, which speaks to me of a dev team possibly severely underestimating how long it takes to actually make a game. Or overestimating their own capabilities? Who knows.

Part of me worries that I can’t be objective, though. The game seemed to have won my heart long before I’d ever get to see a finished product. Could I have been blinded by my bias?

No. The answer is no.

Almost entirely for those aforementioned, nigh-constant release delays. Couple that with Infinite Falls putting out not one, but two mini games set in universe, instead of, oh I don’t know, the game people paid them to make? In an ounce of fairness, I’ve come to retroactively appreciate said mini games, as they do add to the lore.

And I’m a sucker for lore.

Perhaps I’m being petty, and somehow retroactively less petty, but my bias and unconditional love and goodwill slowly faded in direct relation to every year after the originally announced release date I had to wait. And as I sat down to start, and even as I completed the game, I asked myself: was it worth the wait?

Mm. Yeah, pretty much.

Okay, I should probably slow down. Maybe give some kind of buildup before spilling the final thoughts all out like that.

One of the first things you notice about Evening in the Forest, aside from how humorously long it takes to actually see all the characters in the woods at night time, is the screen constantly saturated with lots of orange, red, and brown. The fall colors are heavily emphasized, not merely because that’s the season the story takes place in, but the colors are exaggeratedly warm, so to match the cozy comforts the protagonist, Mae (remember Mae?), is seeking to feel deep down in her guts again.

But rather than that being the case, Mae’s hometown immediately feels cold and unfamiliar, which the game emphasizes by instead starting you off on the outskirts in the dead of night mostly by yourself. And the game world is introduced with lots of dark colors, mainly blues.

It’s easy to tell that color-play was set to be a key design aesthetic early in development.

This is matched and mirrored as even the primary cast are color coded in much the same way. Mae’s parents who forgot about her first night back are both dark, ash gray; cold. Gregg gives Mae the most excited welcome back of the crew, and he’s a ruddy orange; warm. Bea is distant at first, making undercutting jabs at Mae’s character, and she’s a muted teal; cold. Finally, Angus is friendly enough, if a tad mellow, and he’s the brown bear (who’s also a bear, ha (bam, super funny, original joke)); yeah, pretty warm.

The next to overkill levels of clear-cut color-play give the game a sort of story book vibe, which is further highlighted by the simple shapes that make up the models and the cartoonish proportions all the characters have; e.g., eyes make up a third of the real estate on any given face, which can sometimes be as tall or wide as the body it’s sitting on.

The bright, saturated, vivid colors of any given background, the color coding of warm and cold characters, the toony looks; it all drives home to evoke that very same feeling of familiarity and nostalgia Mae is seeking at the start of the game. As though to remind the player of simpler, more innocent times. It’s waking up on a Saturday morning at a young age to watch cartoons, that sort of thing. It’s the charming bait that demands your attention first. And the player, much like Mae, finds the hook a lot less charming with the panged stings of being proverbially stabbed by a cold and indifferent reality.

Reality tends to set in on this game like a sack of bricks. I found myself saying “that got a little too real there for a sec” so often, I figure it may as well be on the box.

(Well. You know. If the game had a box.)

It’s around this point, after the main cast is thoroughly introduced, that the game starts to really pick up. The pacing is solid enough; I never felt complacent, like I was waiting for the next bit of plot to happen. It’s slow exactly when and where it needs to feel slow. And for the rest of the time, the game is throwing sudden Guitar Hero segments at you.

When chatting with a friend about this, he admitted he found Mae’s movement speed plodding and felt it dragged the pacing down too much. It’s not something that bothered me, but I can see where there’s a case for it.

Here’s where the more “gamey,” for lack of a better term, side of the game comes in. At various intervals, the game will introduce a brand new mini game with its own self-contained set of mechanics. There’s a lot of variety here, and for the most part, they never outstay their welcome.

The only properly recurring one is the bass-playing segment. And though it’s possible to fail these (very possible in the case of the Pumpkin Head Guy song), the game will carry on regardless. In a way, Night in the Woods does actually have failure states, but the player doesn’t lose any progress when it happens.

Then the gang finds a severed arm!

Around that part, though, the game introduces a game within the game, in the form of a game on Mae’s laptop by the name of Demontower. And what a pleasant surprise, it’s a decent all around top down slash and dash, action affair. The amount of effort that went into it is shocking, considering it could’ve easily just been a cute little one-off gag. But no, it’s a completely legitimate game, with a full tale, its own set of mechanics, and several decently challenging boss fights punctuating each randomized level.

It’s the kind of thing I’d pay maybe ten bucks for (usd), but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the value of my purchase with NitW go up a bit, considering there’s basically two games for the price of one here. Plus it might just placate one who finds dialogue heavy games dull. Who knows, but it’s a stellar addition either way.

I also adore that the developers wasted no opportunity to try and enhance their story, as they even worked symbolism relevant to the story at hand into the miniature side game on Mae’s laptop. The very first boss of any Demontower run looks remarkably like a certain muted teal gothic gator girl.

But, and here’s the kicker: this boss doesn’t do anything, and dies in one hit.

Surely it’s a reference to Bea’s semi-combative nature toward Mae at the start, and how easily that folds away when she remembers their shared history. It’s a really unnecessary metaphor they didn’t have to include, but it stuck with me that they even did. Although, in the interest of fairness, I feel I must admit it’s not exactly subtle.

In fact, it’s about as subtle as that severed arm I mentioned earlier, then stopped talking about.

I did this to draw comparison the somewhat noticeable lull between traumatic and supernatural events. Because while I said the story beats in of themselves never felt too far apart, I have to admit, again in fairness, that it seems to take a good while for the payoff of things like this. I will say though, payoff does come in due time, and NitW more or less sticks the landing well enough.

Take the backstory of Mae beating a kid’s face in with a metal bat during her little league game, for example.

To be perfectly frank, I figured the game would never have any kind of payoff for this at all. This or the actual reason why Mae came home from college. The cynic in me is alive and well, and I fully believed the writers would take the easy route and leave it all up to the imagination. But no, they actually explain it all, and explain it fairly well.

Mae has a mental thing where she rarely loses touch with reality, seeing only basic shapes where actual things and people are supposed to be. And a statue at college made up of basic shapes caused a mental relapse in her psyche, sending her spiraling into extremely self-destructive habits she couldn’t break herself out of. I’m certain there’s a proper term for this, but I’m not well read enough to know what it might be.

Effort like that put into creating a solid trunk for the rest of the story to branch off of is grand. And a relief, after dealing with games like Firewatch, where the backstory is so inconsequential, it’s picked out of a seemingly random assortment of vague synopses so as to snugly slot in any old referential dialogue between the bread of real plot.

In that regard, Dusk in the Trees fits nicely on the same shelf of Oxenfree.

Now that I think of it, both games are on that same shelf for a lot of similarities; the gaggle of young adults having complex relationships filled with strife and friction, the overt metaphor of them struggling to deal with supernatural elements where said supernature stands in for the responsible adulthood they’re on the precipice of, branching dialogue options used to explore character relations, the heavy and pervasive sense of nostalgia on the air like so many flitting dust particles in an old abandoned barn at sunset, etc.

Not that I mind having a couple eerily similar games, though. They’re a couple of the only games I’ve ever been able to relate to on such a deeply emotional and personal level. And I feel like that’s kind of the big foundation at the bottom of it all; relatability and realness to keep you grounded amidst all the severed arms, and ghost stories, and murder cults.

Whenever I watched Mae talk to her mom, I felt twinges of chills. Because I could almost swear I’d had those exact conversations with my own mother. We snark at each other in much of the same sarcastic way Mae and her mom do. I’ve even felt similar pressure Mae has about her education and how she’s going to handle the entire rest of her life.

It… hurts. It actually sort of hurts just how relatable this all is.

When walking down the main drag through Possum Springs (the ingame town), deja vu washed over me time and again. The urban decay of old businesses that never seem to last, the new franchised ones that seemingly cropped up from nowhere, the random animal people walking by who remarkably resemble random human people I’ve walked by in my own small, nothing special hometown; it all felt entirely too familiar.

It’s truly astounding how a game where the main character dreams about meeting god, and it’s not absolutely clear whether it actually happened, somehow managed to feel this real to life.

I’ve often commented on how relatability is not the end-all, be-all of good storytelling, let alone good character building. Though it does help, it’s better when the characters are this fun, charming, and sincere. And I feel like the writers really nailed that aspect, instead of relying on all the chest clutching of players like me who felt they’ve been there before.

Whatever smaller qualms I have with the story at large, I can’t deny how hard Infinite Falls got me to fall madly in love with this cast.

This game found me at I feel the perfect time in my life. It’s the angsty teen to young adult adventure I always wanted to see in a video game. This is my “that incredibly niche thing you always wanted to see get made, finally getting made.” And if you’re anything like me, then the story will resonate with you too.

Honestly, I can’t recommend this game enough. It’s not as perfect as I make it sound; there are a few grammar mistakes and a couple graphical issues. But if you can look past that, and gameplay ultimately not being the point, you’ll find a pretty solid, genuine-feeling story.

[newstfionline]

If you exercise a lot, you probably think your heart is in good shape. Maybe not.

By Emily Sohn, Washington Post, October 7, 2017

Jason Lathrop was training for a solo backpacking trip in 2015 when he started to feel a creaking sensation in his knees during morning runs near his home in Portland, Ore.

Expecting to learn that he’d torn his meniscus or strained a ligament, he went to his doctor, who told him his knees were just fine. Instead, he learned, he had a heart murmur. Six weeks later, the 43-year-old father of two was undergoing open-heart surgery to repair a faulty mitral valve.

After a lifetime of active and virtuous living that including frequent exercise, healthy eating and no smoking, Lathrop was stunned to learn that something could be wrong with his heart.

“Your heart is your aerobic engine along with your lungs, and I thought if there were any organs I would not have problems with, it would be those two because I took such good care of them,” says Lathrop, an analyst at Intel. “It was such a shock.”

Exercise does a lot to strengthen the heart and lengthen lives, experts say. But heart problems are still common--and sometimes dramatic--in active people. It’s a point that’s likely to come up during this fall’s marathon season, given the cases of sudden cardiac death and heart attacks that sometimes occur during long races.

Those rare but often highly publicized events offer an opportunity to deliver a nuanced message about heart health to active people: Exercise is good, but nothing is 100 percent protective, says Aaron Baggish, director of the Cardiovascular Performance Program at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston.

“No amount of exercise confers complete immunity to heart disease,” Baggish says. “You can’t outrun heart problems completely.”

Decades of research on tens of thousands of people have drawn a direct connection between routine exercise and heart health. Among other measures, studies show, getting the recommended 150 minutes of moderate exercise each week can lower rates of blood pressure, heart disease, death and more.

“If you had to pick one pill for the American public to take, exercise is more perfect than any other pill you could come up with,” says Mark Link, a cardiac electrophysiologist at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas.

But reducing risk isn’t the same as eliminating it. Sometimes exercise can exacerbate heart risks, especially at extreme levels--although scientists are still working out the details of what an athlete’s heart should look like.

In one 2013 study, researchers looked at the health records of more than 52,000 Swedish cross-country skiers who competed in a 56-mile race between 1989 and 1998. They found that male athletes who had skied faster and those who had competed in more races showed higher rates of irregular heart rhythms, called arrhythmias, over a period of 10 years.

Compared with men who had competed just once, those who completed five races were twice as likely to be hospitalized for bradyarrhythmias, or unusually slow heart rates. Atrial fibrillation, an irregular or very fast heart rate, was also more common in the most-serious skiers.

But overall, the athletes reaped plenty of benefits. Rates of death were lower in skiers who did more races compared with those who did fewer. Mortality rates were lower in the skiers compared with the general population.

This is not the only example where evidence is revealing that vigorous training alters hearts in ways that require more research. For example, serious athletes seem to show increased levels of calcium deposits in the arteries of the heart. These plaques are normally a sign of elevated risk for heart attacks, but new studies suggest that they may be less worrisome in otherwise healthy athletes. “To some degree,” Baggish says, “the jury is still out on this.”

A more common risk that active people face is the belief that exercise gives them freedom to indulge in heart-damaging behaviors. And excessive alcohol, junk food and tobacco in early adulthood can catch up to people later in life, Baggish says.

Genetic predispositions also matter, even for people who do everything right. That’s something that Jay Kuo, a 49-year-old Broadway composer and producer in New York, has been struggling with since his blood pressure and triglycerides spiked a couple of years ago, despite his healthy habits.

Already spooked by a family history of heart disease, including the death of his father at age 44, Kuo had stopped smoking, reduced his salt intake, cut out processed meats and started drinking a kale smoothie every morning. He also jogs, does yoga, meditates and takes medications to improve his blood pressure and triglyceride levels. Despite all that, he’s not making as much progress as he’d like.

“It’s frustrating,” he says. “I need to not have what happened to my dad happen to me.”

Screening for heart conditions remains controversial, as researchers continue to debate whether looking for trouble would wind up harming more people than it might help.

See a doctor if you have concerns, Baggish suggests. But don’t let stories of athletes with heart problems scare you away from exercise.

“Our country’s problem is not too much exercise,” he says. “It’s too little exercise.”

And a diagnosis doesn’t have to mean the end of an athletic lifestyle. Two years after his heart surgery, Lathrop is running three days a week, often for 10 miles or more at a time.

“I’m running much farther than I ever did before the surgery,” he says. “I have a new lease on life.”

[greeneadrian94]

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Orange peel is another dandruff cure which can be attempted at home. Go through the best way to use orange peel pack for dandruff elimination down below: Summary: The organic acids in apple cider vinegar may well assist eliminate acne-producing microorganisms and minimize the appearance of scars. Applying it for the pores and skin could trigger burns or irritation, so it ought to be made use of thoroughly. If you really want to shed fat inside a nutritious way, there’s no way to flee from standard physical exercise and exercise. Doing a mixture of moderate and really hard physical exercise will allow you to eliminate bodyweight, and Manage your pounds. Having said that, the American Urological Affiliation doesn’t suggest yohimbe as an ED cure. It's because there’s not lots of evidence proving it works. Its Uncomfortable side effects could be harmful to wellbeing. These include things like greater blood pressure level and coronary heart charge, irritability, and tremor. Additional not long ago, DHEA has actually been recognized being an selection for cure of ED for guys with concurrent diabetes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FpRzSwGIhs affects these Gentlemen as a result of hormonal troubles together with diabetes difficulties that interfere with blood circulation to organs. Determined by prior to and right after photographs, this aided make improvements to acne (sixty). ninety six% of the members had been delighted with the outcomes and would advocate the process to Other people. But when these benefits suggest that exfoliation might enhance acne, much more investigation is needed. Summary: People today with acne tend to own decreased zinc stages than people with crystal clear skin. Several reports display that taking zinc orally can substantially cut down acne. In many scenarios, improvements to your Way of life and diet can assist simplicity ED signs and symptoms. Way of life alterations that can assist help your sexual perform include exercising and dropping bodyweight. In addition they include things like stopping using tobacco and curbing your alcohol ingestion. A further research with 31 individuals yielded very similar effects (63). These little experiments recommend that a minimal-glycemic diet could possibly be practical for people with acne-susceptible skin, but even further investigation is required. It's a actuality: drink far too much liquor, and you'll go through the following day. Learn natural home therapies for hangovers, anything from moderation to hydration, and guard you from ache the morning after. is the 1st-ever strategy that tackles the basis cause of just about each important ailment and overall health situation. Get your copy these days!) Will need allergy reduction? The subsequent home remedies are intended to support lessen the irritation a result of the most typical allergies. The abrasiveness of ordinary desk salt works great for scrubbing out dandruff flakes prior to deciding to shampoo. Get a saltshaker and shake some salt onto your dry scalp. Then work it as a result of your hair, giving your scalp a therapeutic massage. By way of example, ingesting eco-friendly tea continues to be proven to decrease blood sugar and insulin degrees, that happen to be things that will add to the development of acne (37).

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A different very good strategy for weight reduction is to consume environmentally friendly tea. It's a large array of antioxidants that assistance the human body break down foods, and assist in getting rid of bodyweight. Aspirin incorporates exactly the same Energetic component (salicylic acid) as lots of medicated dandruff shampoos. Preserve flaking in Verify by crushing two aspirins into a wonderful powder and including it to the conventional amount of shampoo you employ each time you clean your hair. Poor hair brushing and shampooing habits, dry pores and skin, stress and poor weight loss plans, is likely to make your scalp extra liable to dandruff. Now that you simply’re mindful of the leads to, it’s time to struggle dandruff.  Using a analysis, your health practitioner could recommend several methods that could probable boost both equally your coronary heart health and fitness and your ED. These actions consist of lowering your cholesterol, decreasing your body weight, or taking prescription drugs to unclog your blood vessels. Summary: Exfoliation is the entire process of eliminating the very best layer of useless skin cells. It might lower the looks of scars and discoloration, but far more analysis ought to be completed on its power to deal with acne. Test comforting magnesium (two hundred to four hundred mg) to lessen the muscle mass rigidity and spasms that can result in your noggin to throb. But not any kind will do. Make certain the nutritional supplement includes not less than two hundred mg of active elemental magnesium. Simply because magnesium is more preventive than curative, the remedy will work ideal on, say, premenstrual head aches as you can forecast every time they're coming and have a dose on a daily basis ahead of time. Right after viewing merchandise depth internet pages, seem listed here to locate an uncomplicated strategy to navigate again to pages you are interested in. Thankfully, numerous natural therapies will also be effective. The home cures stated in this post may well not work for everybody, but They simply might be well worth a check out. There are actually numerous types of exfoliation items readily available in stores and on the net, nevertheless it's equally as straightforward to create a scrub at home employing sugar or salt. Another review with 31 contributors yielded comparable final results (sixty three). These small reports suggest that a very low-glycemic diet plan could be useful for individuals with acne-susceptible pores and skin, but further research is required. Dealing with dandruff at home with curd is a bit messy but very helpful. Technique for applying curd as being a home treatment for dandruff is given beneath: Tea tree oil is A necessary oil that will have Gains for pores and skin, hair and nails. Here i will discuss 14 simple methods to use tea tree oil properly and… Absolutely anything can make you break out in hives, like peanuts, strawberries, medications including penicillin or aspirin, and vitamin nutritional supplements. Understand home treatments that will help you keep away from or minimize hives. The challenges of acupuncture are very low if provided by a accredited acupuncturist. Acupuncture demonstrates promise for managing ED, but a lot more experiments are necessary.

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These ten home treatments for sleeplessness will help you get again on the right track with a superb evening's rest. See the best way to sleep improved Using these home solutions. Remedy dandruff with this simple henna remedy. Henna softens your hair, though lemon juice will work its wonder in dandruff remedy. Tea's tannins get rid of bacteria and close the pores within your feet, maintaining ft dry lengthier; microorganisms are likely to thrive in moist environments. You'll see results in a few days to each week. One warning: Do the soak only Whenever your ft are freed from cuts. To accomplish your registration make sure you enter the verification code you been given on the cellular. If you have not obtained the verification code, you should SMS REWARDME to 9223347100 Scientists researched the results of L-arginine on ED. 30-just one % of Gentlemen with ED getting 5 grams of L-arginine on a daily basis knowledgeable considerable advancements in sexual function. Generally look for the advice of the health practitioner or other capable wellness provider just before starting any new eating plan or treatment and with any concerns you'll have with regards to a healthcare situation. In case you have or suspect that you've got a healthcare issue, immediately contact your health treatment provider. From someone that has examined all of them and located hangover relief. Find out more about these seven natural hangover cures that operate. Early experiments recommend that weed might contribute to erectile dysfunction, but extra exploration is necessary. Your diet plan may also affect your sexual general performance. For info on which foods could possibly benefit you, including cocoa and pistachios, check out this short article on diet regime and ED. Drinking water is essential to nutritious dwelling. Study the home solutions that could hold you from becoming dehydrated. Some natural therapies utilized to deal with depression have revealed They might be just as successful as -- or not less than an excellent enhance to -- conventional procedure. Summary: Men and women with acne are inclined to get lower zinc concentrations than those with distinct skin. Several scientific studies present that getting zinc orally can drastically lessen acne. You will get rid within your incessant cough with just a couple natural components found around your home. Learn how for making https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSLMK7qzPNQ in the following paragraphs. Shampoo Commonly. You can also seek out a shampoo that currently contains coconut oil. Coconut oil has lots of other terrific beauty employs too.

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With its natural inflammation-fighting Houses, a 5 p.c Alternative of tea tree oil is less severe than the usual 5 per cent benzoyl peroxide Answer and can be equally as successful in opposition to acne, while it could obvious up rather less promptly. The salicylic acid in aspirin is actually a go-to for acne treatments, along with the aspirin can dry up pimples and lower inflammation. To reap the benefits of these home remedies for acne, type a paste by mashing aspirin in a bit h2o, or dissolve 4 products in two tablespoons of water. The vitamin C (nonacidic Ester style would not upset stomachs) boosts the immune procedure while in the early stages of your cough. Research reveals that honey works much better than possibly a cough suppressant or no cure in the least for relieving kid's nocturnal cough and selling rest.  One examine confirmed that shampoos with just 5 percent tea tree oil substantially Increase the severity of dandruff. You can even incorporate several drops of tea tree oil to your preferred shampoo as you clean Commonly. Tea tree oil can in fact decrease the effects of numerous unpleasant ailments. Summary: Ingesting higher-glycemic foods could maximize sebum creation and add to acne. A lot more research is necessary to determine whether a minimal-glycemic eating plan can properly handle or reduce acne. This home treatment for dandruff takes advantage of fenugreek seeds. Follow the Recommendations under to use fenugreek pack to get rid of dandruff: Observe your frequent shampoo plan in the morning. For just a more rapidly treatment, hunt for a shampoo that contains olive oil. But you should also preserve some olive oil on hand so You need to use it for these 7 other things. Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) is often a natural hormone made by your adrenal glands. It could be converted to equally estrogen and testosterone in the human body. Researchers make the dietary supplement from wild yam and soy. Treating dandruff at home with curd is slightly messy but really productive. Approach for working with curd as being a home treatment for dandruff is offered underneath: Incorporate boiling water plus a teaspoon of organic and natural raw honey, an immunity booster that also coats unpleasant throat tissues. Breathe in the healing vapor to open up sinuses, and sip a cupful two or thrice every day to battle the bug. (To help make little herbs , increase a 50 % shot of brandy.) Blend a couple of drops of tea tree oil with involving twenty and forty drops of witch hazel, then utilize a cotton swab to use. This really is a kind of home therapies for acne that you can try nearly 2 times per day; far more could dry the skin and make the acne even worse. When you've got indications of ED, it’s crucial that you Test along with your doctor just before attempting any treatments on your own. It's because ED generally is a signal of other medical problems. For instance, heart disease or significant cholesterol could lead to ED indicators. However, it is necessary to notice that commercially ready variations might not contain tannins, since they tend to be misplaced during the distillation course of action. Opt for full grain and much healthier forms of these foods. Their labels must say “one hundred pc full grain”, not just “produced with full grains” or “multi- grain”.

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To cleanse skin, most Ladies desire the water technique: Use heat water to loosen Filth and clogged pores. Make use of a dime-sized little bit of cleanser, then rinse with great or lukewarm water. We've two reservations about using the plunge for crimson hair: the determination and servicing that comes along with it. Here are several tricks for making the transition simpler, from a celeb stylist. You can buy microdermabrasion kits. See a list of the greatest facial scrubs and microdermabrasion kits. Large bangs, straight hair, and various popular appears to be like can in fact cause you to search older. Check out https://www.facebook.com/steptoremedies/posts/2099810723445530 and how to stay away from them. Use virgin coconut oil inside your diet regime. It is simple to digest, superior for the wellness, as well as assists One's body stop working elements speedier. Our favourite Section of Trend 7 days is Discovering all of the amazing new methods that we’d never have picked up elsewhere. Below, we’ve distilled our major ten tips you can use right this moment in your own private beauty program. ) for health problems. Any point out in this Web site of a specific goods and services, or recommendation, doesn't signify an endorsement of that products, or support, or pro suggestions. This Site makes use of cookies to ensure you get the top encounter. Through the use of our Site you agree to our utilization of cookies. Learn more  Get hold of Us About Us Disclaimer Privacy Coverage Report a Site Haircare: What is it that potato juice provides to our hair and So how exactly does it enable them grow more time? Let us learn Even immediately after looking at tons of video tutorials, we acknowledge we even now aren’t actually braiding ninjas. So we turned for the industry experts to reply some of our most urgent questions about building wonderful braids. Read more for his or her genius tips to create braiding way less complicated. Should you have dry skin, take into account cold cream like Pond's, which the French use, or make your own organic and natural cold cream working with this easy chilly cream recipe. Basically apply the product, then wipe off, no h2o desired (When you have tough h2o, it can be Primarily severe on skin). For https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hair_care , well being tips and recipes, like us on Facebook or observe us on Twitter and YouTube. Lucille. “These studies recommend that gut microorganisms may possibly Engage in a powerful position in excess weight regulation.” Don’t pass up these other info and Advantages about probiotics. Special eye creams are formulated to "thicken" this area. Nevertheless other experts claim your daily lotion works within the eyes equally as very well.

Although it is a significant professional medical affliction, cardiovascular disease is not really a death sentence. Discover how to just take natural home remedies to enhance heart wellness utilizing every little thing from exercising to ingesting proper.

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So distinct some Room in the toilet cupboard, fridge, and kitchen cupboard for these astonishingly helpful (and cheap) remedies. The subsequent 20 home remedies are like getting a health care provider on call 24 hrs a day. Put on protecting garments. Deal with your skin with tightly woven very long-sleeved shirts, very long pants and extensive-brimmed hats. Also consider laundry additives, which give clothes a further layer of ultraviolet security for a particular quantity of washings, or Particular Solar-protective outfits — which is specifically made to block ultraviolet rays. Nursing: Other than herbs that will promote breast-milk creation (fenugreek, blessed thistle, and alfalfa), women who're breastfeeding should steer clear of most medicinal herbs for the very first 4 to 6 months of a baby’s daily life. Once the common chilly or other minimal ailments strike you down your initially line of defense could possibly be in your own personal home. Try out these home remedies and you may not have to secure a prescription. Receiving older isn't exciting, specially when the signs of perimenopause or menopause hit. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/722616702689548197 could potentially test these powerful menopause natural remedies, but amongst the most effective natural remedies is training. It’s crucial that the workout regimen has a mix of cardio and weight schooling. Option diagnoses and treatment options will not be Portion of drugs, or of science-centered curricula in clinical faculties, nor are they Employed in any exercise depending on scientific expertise or expertise. Option therapies are often determined by spiritual perception, custom, superstition, perception in supernatural energies, pseudoscience, errors in reasoning, propaganda, fraud, or lies. Alternative medicine is based on misleading statements, quackery, pseudoscience, antiscience, fraud, and inadequate scientific methodology. Endorsing alternate medicine has been known as risky and unethical. Testing choice medication that has no scientific foundation has been named a waste of scarce investigate methods. Critics point out that "there is de facto no these matter as different drugs, just medicine that works and medicine that doesn't", which the incredibly concept of "different" treatment plans is paradoxical, as any treatment tested to operate is by definition "medicine". Irrespective of this, it's been prompt that present regulatory bodies are ineffective in stopping deception of patients as many organizations have re-labelled their medicines to stay away from the new regulations.[191] There's no normal consensus about how to equilibrium purchaser defense (from Fake claims, toxicity, and promoting) with freedom to pick remedies. ) Activate the tannins inside a tea bag by dipping in the cup of hot h2o for many minutes. Great inside the fridge, then implement the moist bag as a compress into the shut eye for ten minutes. “It has extensive been accustomed to aid encourage concentration, a use which is now becoming verified by present day science for anyone struggling with consideration/emphasis. Ensure that you invest in from the highly regarded supplier (like Banyan Botanicals).” These home remedies for diarrhea will help you recover more rapidly and keep balanced. View 10 home remedies for diarrhea to get rolling. Doing all of your coloration you? Do not make also drastic a adjust. Stay inside of 1 or 2 shades of your natural colour. Will need allergy aid? The following home remedies are built to enable reduce the soreness due to the commonest allergies. "quackademic medication" is usually a pejorative term used for integrative medicine, which health-related industry experts look at an infiltration of quackery into academic science-dependent medication.[58] Some commentators have stated that Exclusive thing to consider needs to be provided to The problem of conflicts of fascination in choice drugs. https://steptoremedies.com has reported that many researchers into alternative medication are prone to "unidirectional bias" on account of a typically uncritical perception inside their picked subject matter.[221] Ernst cites as evidence the phenomenon whereby 100% of a sample of acupuncture trials originating in China had favourable conclusions.[221] David Gorski contrasts proof-primarily based medicine, during which scientists seek to disprove hyphotheses, with what he claims is definitely the Recurrent follow in pseudoscience-based analysis, of striving to substantiate pre-present notions.

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Homemakers really like provides that elevate their living House into a convenience haven. Reward 1 of such merchandise and they'll thanks forever! The home remedies that we have collected are not dangerous alternate therapies practiced against your physician's objections. Rather These are Secure, useful steps that you could employ to assist take care of greater than 100 common health issues. See our listing of remedies, A-Z. The lobby has correctly pushed for alternative therapies to get matter to significantly considerably less regulation than typical medicine. Alternate therapies could even be allowed to promote use when There is certainly demonstrably no influence, only a custom of use. Regulation and licensing of other medication and well being care companies may differ between and within international locations. Despite regulations rendering it unlawful to current market or endorse alternate therapies for use in cancer therapy, numerous practitioners promote them. Different drugs is criticized for Benefiting from the weakest associates of Culture. Get seven to nine hrs of rest each evening. Not finding plenty of snooze might make your skin appear uninteresting and sallow. It may bring about luggage or shadows below your eyes. Getting adequate slumber will decrease wrinkles and underneath-eye puffiness. It can even provide you with a balanced, glowing complexion.[15] Some natural remedies utilized to take care of melancholy have shown They could be equally as powerful as -- or a minimum of an excellent enhance to -- standard treatment. , but have no the perfect time to go in for the human body scrub to show off a sleek again? This is a quick home solution. Choose 1 cup of sea salt and mix it with 50 % a cup of olive oil. In The us, herbal remedies are regulated dietary nutritional supplements with the Food items and Drug Administration (FDA) less than present superior producing apply (cGMP) policy for dietary supplements.[sixty three] Manufacturers of items slipping into this class will not be required to show the protection or efficacy of their product As long as they don't make 'health-related' statements or indicate makes use of in addition to being a 'dietary nutritional supplement', although the FDA might withdraw an item from sale should really it verify hazardous.[sixty four][sixty five] [31] An example of these dangers was noted by Associate Professor Alastair MacLennan of Adelaide University, Australia regarding a affected person who Practically bled to Dying around the operating desk just after neglecting to say that she had been having "natural" potions to "Establish up her energy" before the operation, including a strong anticoagulant that almost caused her Loss of life.[194] Quite a few herbs are thought to be prone to lead to adverse results.[forty] Moreover, "adulteration, inappropriate formulation, or lack of understanding of plant and drug interactions have triggered adverse reactions that are occasionally daily life threatening or lethal.[forty one]" Correct double-blind clinical trials are essential to ascertain the security and efficacy of each plant ahead of they may be proposed for healthcare use. Exactly how much you exfoliate is up for debate. https://www.facebook.com/steptoremedies/posts/2088297497930186 have skin that gets scaly quickly. Others look dewy and clean with minimal fuss. Dermatologist Dr. Having said that, toners of these days aren't your mom's toners of a couple decades ago. They're much more Mild, jam packed with antioxidants and skin brighteners and may make even the driest skin look vivid. In 2015, the Australian Govt's Office of Well being posted the outcomes of an assessment of alternative therapies that sought to ascertain if any were ideal for currently being protected by wellness insurance policy; Herbalism was among 17 subjects evaluated for which no clear proof of performance was uncovered.[19] Establishing pointers to evaluate security and efficacy of herbal products, the ecu Medicines Company supplies criteria for evaluating and grading the quality of medical exploration in planning monographs about herbal goods. According to two writers, Wallace Sampson and K. Butler, marketing is an element with the instruction expected in substitute medicine, and propaganda strategies in substitute medication are traced again to those used by Hitler and Goebels of their marketing of pseudoscience in drugs.[ https://drudurohaberahome.wordpress.com/ ][219] Aloe Vera Gel with not less than 90% pure aloe barbadensis leaf juice in it really is great for sunburned or irritated skin. Aloe vera is recognized for its therapeutic properties and can do wonders with the skin.

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Seeking out Some natural remedies may possibly assistance you really feel much better much more speedily and help you save you a visit to the medical professional’s Workplace. To really feel your best, ensure you also drink numerous fluids and have an abundance of relaxation. This Internet site makes use of cookie or related technologies, to boost your browsing knowledge and supply personalised recommendations. By continuing to use our Web-site, you conform to our Privacy Plan and Cookie Coverage. Okay Crush several contemporary strawberries right into a scrubbing pulp that you simply blend by using a pinch of stain-eliminating baking soda and more than enough drinking water to create a paste. Utilize the mixture to a smooth-bristled toothbrush and polish for a few minutes after each and every 3 or 4 months. Skin Care- Are you unsatisfied along with your skin and need a radiant, beautiful skin? Are you presently obtaining troubles managing dry skin or oily skin? Are already suffering from skin difficulties or been diagnosed by using a skin problem? Here is all you need to know about skin care and skin care solutions. It's a false impression that mangoes are poor for our overall health in summers; Quite the opposite, this humble fruit is stuffed with natural vitamins and minerals that are not only superior for our body ... "I Blend dim shades, like metallic brown, deep inexperienced or vivid blue, that has a creamy luminizer to the again of my hand to make a magnificent, subtly shiny version that appears quite both of those day and night."—Alexandra Spunt, No Much more Dirty Seems to be Opt for new fruit juice, rather than packaged fruit juices, that are filled with sugar and preservatives. Small children underneath 5 a long time shouldn't be provided difficult candy cough drops or anything that might pose a choking danger. Use caution when providing cough drops to small children under ten years. Don’t give honey to kids that are youthful than 1 calendar year. Nail polish is employed to paint the fingernails and toenails.[two] Clear, colorless variations may perhaps improve nails or be utilised being a top or foundation coat to guard the nail or polish. Facial exfoliation and rejuvenation merchandise are extremely advised for skin nourishment. Search the choice of common and top quality facial kits on the net at Amazon India and uncover a solution that addresses your precise skin concern such as Over-all tiredness, dull complexion, uneven skin tone, wonderful traces, wrinkles plus much more. Bacterial bacterial infections, for instance strep throat, whooping cough, and diphtheria, are answerable for only a little share of sore throats. Most Medical practitioners endorse contacting a physician only in instances of significant sore throat, for example sore throat which has a fever or when swollen tonsils block the throat. Don't change the spot where by your brows peak and by no means pencil The full brow. Rather, only fill in holes. The manufacture of cosmetics is dominated by a small variety of multinational firms that originated from the early 20th century, although the distribution and income of cosmetics is distribute amongst a variety of corporations. The worlds premier beauty corporations are L'Oréal, Procter & Gamble, Unilever, Shiseido, and Estée Lauder.[36] In 2005, the industry volume in the cosmetics industry inside the US, Europe, and Japan was about EUR 70 Billion/a year. Toners containing Alcoholic beverages are fairly astringent, and frequently qualified at oily skins. Dry or regular skin ought to be dealt with with alcohol-free toners. Witch hazel solution is a popular toner for all skin varieties, but many other products are available. Numerous toners incorporate salicylic acid and/or benzoyl peroxide. A lot of these toners are qualified at oily skin styles, and acne-inclined skin.[citation necessary]

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People who lived close to a high percentage of eco-friendly Place had much less stress Issues, and less infectious diseases in the digestive method, amid other benefits. It will be wonderful if you can persistently strike the health and fitness center four to five days a week, but when you are starting from zero right away transforming oneself right into a health club rat isn't really sensible. As hair grows, the pure protecting oils with the scalp can fail to reach the ends of the hair. The finishes are viewed as outdated once they arrive at about ten centimeters given that they've got experienced long exposure on the Sunlight, undergone several shampoos and should are already overheated by hair dryers and hot irons. Longtime people who smoke get rid of about ten years in their life towards the habit, As outlined by analysis released in the New England Journal of Drugs. About the moreover aspect, quitting right before 35 can Virtually completely remove that possibility. Hence the faster you quit, the extended you'll live. Let 12WBT do the thinking to suit your needs by adhering to our meal options Designed by our workforce of authorities to generally be healthy, budget-helpful and simple to help make. Get yourself a No cost sample of 12WBT meals now! Examine your email, we've despatched your no cost sample! If you can meditate and fully forgive someone else, it is possible to target additional on both you and your individual nicely-staying. Reminding on your own what you're grateful for day after day may help maintain your spirits up and fend off any lingering depression. seven. If you have dry hair then it is best to stop colouring. On the other hand, If you cannot resist that magnificent shade of brown, Specifically underneath the Winter season Sunlight then observe this intelligent advise shared about the site Free of charge Folks. We are unable to modify things for example genetics and age, These are inescapable but food plan is one thing you could Management. Consuming a well balanced diet program with adequate nutrients in it could assist with hair growth.  Even so, This could established us up for failure simply because we end up craving them all the greater and after that bingeing. Curlers and straightening irons can result in burns if You aren't careful. Pay attention to Everything you're performing As you use them. Try out shampoos that don't contain sulfates or parabens. Sulfates are definitely the chemicals that make shampoos lather up.[1] Parabens are preservatives that lead to discomfort and eye problems right after prolonged use[two]. It can be sort of a magical substance: It helps prevent kidney stones by trying to keep your kidneys from Functioning extra time.

Not known Factual Statements About healthy habbits

That means toss the Amoxicillin and stay with Tylenol and cough suppressants if you're dealing with a chilly or flu. Which is because antibiotics only handle bacterial diseases, and they are ineffective from viruses. Scalp skin of infants along with the aged are related in subdued sebaceous gland manufacturing, as a consequence of hormonal levels. The sebaceous gland secretes sebum, a waxy ester, which maintains the acid mantle in the scalp and provides a coating that keeps skin supple and moist. The sebum builds overly, concerning each and every two–3 times for the standard Grownup. Individuals with delicate skin could encounter a longer interval. A superb food behavior will help condition your character, which is why ancient sages often desired consuming sattvic food. Don't forget – what you try to eat is what you develop into. So, choose properly and take in superior. Scalp pores and skin, similar to almost every other pores and skin on the human body, have to be stored healthy to make sure a healthy human body and healthy hair manufacturing. If the scalp is cleaned frequently by those who have rough hair or Possess a hair-slide problem, it can result in loss of hair. Having said that, not all scalp Ailments are a results of bacterial bacterial infections. Some arise inexplicably, and often only the indications may be treated for management with the ailment (illustration: dandruff). You can also find bacteria which will have an effect on the hair by itself. seven/21 pstrong06# Suggestion For Hair Care/sturdy/p pstrongAvoid Very hot Drinking water/strongbr /Skip very hot drinking water showers, mainly because hot drinking water can make your hair dry and brittle since it strips protective oils from your hair. Therefore, choose a temperature that's merely a bit warmer than Your system temperature./p Keep in mind that final week's jobs concerned setting up healthy foods and work out. Carry on to complete those things to do as you progress by this e-training course and Construct a much better entire body. A lot of the healthy Life-style routines discussed below may also allow you to to be significantly less reactive to stress, In the end, furnishing defense against stress you haven't even knowledgeable nevertheless Reports have truly found that when men and women giggle, their brains go from the same modifications that they do when persons are mindfully meditating. When you are sleeping, your body is replenishing alone to aid healthy Mind functionality and enhance your Bodily wellbeing. Snooze also performs a considerable function in the growth and progress of children. These routines are superior for folks of all ages, obviously. Nevertheless https://www.pinterest.com/pin/722616702689548172 obtain on it, the sooner you may enjoy the sweet, sweet great things about healthy residing. Carolyn Kylstra Waist-duration – hair that falls on the smallest Portion of 1's waist, a bit higher than the hip bones Sitting disease is actually a matter, for really serious. Office personnel, considering you: See In case you have the choice for your standing desk, or If you're able to rig your own personal (look into these 6 standing desk hacks from Cosmopolitan for a few smart Suggestions). Raise your Strength, drop pounds, and feel happier than ever Using these diet program tweaks. Commence Slideshow Just about every products we characteristic has become independently picked and reviewed by our editorial crew. For those who make a order using the one-way links involved, we may earn Fee. But have you at any time genuinely thought about why this stuff are so crucial, And just how they all perform collectively?

Fascination About healthy diet

Tender coconut drinking water-It is just a nutritious beverage can be employed as oral rehydration medium, nonetheless in patient getting hyper kalaemia which include renal failure, acute adrenal insufficiency and in people with lower urine output, it should be avoided. The way to cut down on salt Even if you are careful with regard to the salt you eat, you may be amazed that many of the food you take in includes hidden salt you’re not even aware about. Learn the way to reduce salt... Foods, in their organic point out, consist of various nutrients in different amounts. Cooking improves the digestibility of most foods. Raw food items get softened on cooking and come to be very easily chewable. Proper methods of cooking render food items healthy.   Beneficial foodstuff ideas and cooking tactics are Basis for good well being by improving the appearance, taste, flavour and texture, thus maximizing acceptability. Deblina Biswas has an M.Sc degree in Diet within the University of Osmania and it has tons of encounter in Exercise and Nourishment. She enjoys anything about food items and Exercise and the fact that she has long been capable to observe her heart On the subject of her profession. Consider intake of day by day multivitamin and further vitamin D, as these have possible well being Advantages.[15] These breakfasts are healthy and delicious. No matter if you like a very hot or cold breakfast, We've got tons of Thoughts in your case. Kids and Electricity requirements It’s vital for teenagers to try to eat numerous types of foods for a healthy, nicely-well balanced diet and also to be bodily active. Making healthy behavior in the course of childhood will help to be certain lifelong healthy... Samples of ‘discretionary decisions’ or occasional foods are: sweet biscuits, cakes, desserts and pastries processed meats and fattier/salty sausages, savoury pastries and pies, business burgers with a high Extra fat and/or salt material sweetened condensed milk ice cream together with other ice confections confectionary and chocolate commercially fried foods potato chips, crisps and other fatty and/or salty snack foods including some savoury biscuits product, butter and spreads which are significant in saturated fats The environmentally friendly leafy veggies needs to be washed carefully. The pesticide residues from environmentally friendly leafy veggies are taken out satisfactorily by ordinary processing for example washing blanching and cooking. Superior for yourself that your kidneys and liver are accomplishing that job for you – of cleaning your body. On the other hand, it's of important significance you try to eat foods that should detoxify One's body and assist you to continue to keep healthy. Healthy dietary methods get started early in life – breastfeeding fosters healthy progress and increases cognitive improvement, and may have for a longer period time period well being Rewards for instance lessening the chance of getting overweight or obese and producing NCDs later in everyday life. It’s best to try to avoid pork due to the large level of saturated fats. It’s undoubtedly not a great selection for People wanting to drop bodyweight. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiuMjm9p4sY and greens (movie) Salads are an effective way in your case obtain your 5 serves of vegies daily... " In accordance with some research, shared mealtimes, especially all through childhood, may well work as a “protective issue” For lots of nourishment wellness-connected difficulties along with enhance prosocial habits in adulthood.

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Cheese, Butter Not Necessarily Linked to Death

As a young child I missed a question on a psychological test: “What comes in a bottle?”

The answer was supposed to be milk. I said beer.

Milk almost always came in cartons and plastic jugs, so I was right. But this isn’t about rehashing old grudges. I barely even think about it anymore! The point is that the test was a relic of a time before me, when milk did come in bottles. It arrived on doorsteps each morning, by the hand of some vanishing man. And just as such a world was alien to me as a kid, the current generation of small children would likely miss a similar question: “Where does milk come from?”

Many would likely answer almonds or beans or oats.

Indeed, the already booming nut-milk industry is projected to grow another 50 percent by 2020. Much of this is driven by beliefs about health, with ads claiming “dairy free” as a virtue that resonates for nebulous reasons—many stemming from an earlier scare over saturated fat—among consumers lactose intolerant and tolerant alike. The dairy industry is now scrambling to market milk to Millennial families, as the quintessential American-heartland beverage once thought of as necessary for all aspiring, straight-boned children has become widely seen as something to be avoided.

Should it be?

It all happened quickly. In the 1990s, during the original “Got Milk?” campaign, it was plausible to look at a magazine, see supermodels with dairy-milk mustaches, and think little of it. Now many people would cry foul. With nut milks dominating the luxury café-grocery scenes frequented by celebrities, an image like that would surely elicit cries of disingenuousness: There’s no way you actually drink cow’s milk! And if you do, it’s probably skim or 2-percent milk, which leave no such thick mustache!

Difficult as it may be for Millennials to imagine, the average American in the 1970s drank about 30 gallons of milk a year. That’s now down to 18 gallons, according to the Department of Agriculture. And just as it appears that the long arc of American beverage consumption could bend fully away from the udder, new evidence is making it more apparent that the perceived health risks of dairy fats (which are mostly saturated) are less clear than many previously believed.

A new study this week in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition is relevant to an ongoing vindication process for saturated fats, which turned many people away from dairy products such as whole milk, cheese, and butter in the 1980s and ’90s. An analysis of 2,907 adults found that people with higher and lower levels of dairy fats in their blood had the same rate of death during a 22-year period.

The implication is that it didn’t matter if people drank whole or skim or 2-percent milk, ate butter versus margarine, etc. The researchers concluded that dairy-fat consumption later in life “does not significantly influence total mortality.”

“I think the big news here is that even though there is this conventional wisdom that whole-fat dairy is bad for heart disease, we didn’t find that,” says Marcia de Oliveira Otto, the lead researcher of the study and an assistant professor of epidemiology, human genetics, and environmental science at the University of Texas School of Public Health. “And it’s not only us. A number of recent studies have found the same thing.”

Hers adds to the findings of prior studies that also found that limiting saturated fat is not a beneficial guideline. While much similar research has used self-reported data on how much people eat—a notoriously unreliable metric, especially for years-long studies—the current study is noteworthy for actually measuring the dairy-fat levels in the participants’ blood.

A drawback to this method, though, is that the source of the fats is unclear, so no distinction can be made between cheese, milk, yogurt, butter, etc. The people with low levels of dairy fats in their blood weren’t necessarily dairy free, but they may have been consuming low-fat dairy. All that can be said is that there was no association between dairy fats generally and mortality.

The researchers also found that certain saturated fatty acids may have specific benefits for some people. High levels of heptadecanoic acid, for example, were associated with lower rates of strokes.

De Oliveira Otto believes that this evidence is not itself a reason to eat more or less dairy. But she said it could encourage people to give priority to whole-fat dairy products over those that may be lower in fat but higher in sugar, which may be added to make up for a lack of taste or texture. She points to the classic example of chocolate milk, the low-fat varieties of which are still given to schoolchildren under the misguided belief that it is a “health food.”

The latest federal Dietary Guidelines for Americans, which guide school lunches and other programs, still recommend “fat-free or low-fat dairy.” These guidelines are issued by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, so they have long been biased toward recommending dairy consumption in a country that is rich in dairy-production infrastructure. Veganism is not encouraged given a national interest in continuing to consume the dairy the country produces. But promoting low-fat and fat-free dairy over whole milk has no such economic defense.

The takeaway is that, from a personal-health perspective, dairy products are at best fine and reasonable things to eat, and avoiding butter and cheese is less important than once believed. While the narrative that cheese and butter are dangerous is changing, it also remains true that dairy isn’t necessary for children or adults. A diet rich in high-fiber plants has more than enough protein and micronutrients to make up for a lack of dairy—and the vitamin D that’s added to milk can just as well be added to other foods, taken as a supplement, or siphoned from the sun.

With every new study that tells us more about the complexities of human nutrition and stymies efforts to fit nutrients into simple good-bad binaries, the easier it should be to direct our concerns productively. This study is another incremental addition to an ever-expanding body of knowledge, the point of which is that we should worry less about the harmful effects of single nutrients and more about the harms done by producing food. At this point, the clearest drawbacks to consuming animal products are not nutritional but environmental, with animal agriculture contributing to antibiotic resistance, deforestation, and climate change. While there is room for debate over the ideal amounts of saturated fat in human blood, the need to move toward an environmentally sustainable food system is unambiguous.

Article source here:The Atlantic