#and for the sea I figured. clowne seal

[creative-clown-drawings]

@clownartmonth’s Clown Art Month Days 14-15: Demon/Angel & Sea!! :•)

[starmocha]

Hi there. I'm back with theory #3 for Sylus' myth. Which....might be less evidence-heavy than the first two and really just me talking out of my ass. I started writing at midnight because that's just on brand clown behavior of me 🙃 ANYWAY...

People who haven't read Rafayel, Xavier, and Zayne's myths, please tread carefully, because I will touch upon them briefly and allude to events in their myths.

Quick recap from first post:

Theory 1: Sylus and MC must have been destined lovers in a past life, but due to whatever conflict, Sylus decided to break his bond with her for her protection and accept any punishment that comes with it, which could mean to be ruler of a place he has no desire for, an imprisonment of sort.

Theory 2: Destined lovers, but perhaps a third party interfered out of jealousy or spite. Could Sylus have been caught and framed of a crime and been literally imprisoned, thus forcing him and MC to separate?

So...I half-joked in a post that my new theory is that Sylus sold his soul to the devil. Or, you know, maybe he is the devil himself. This is partly stemmed from the Long-Awaited Revelry trailer, which has the word "demon" over a shot of him and later in the same trailer, one of Sylus' companion forms is aptly titled "Otherworldly Visitor". Make of that as you will.

And with the new trailer for No Defense Zone, we see that Sylus' right eye glows in a demonic way, similar to his in the LAR trailer. Even the atmosphere in both scenes seem a bit supernatural. Now....I didn't want to go there, but, um................do you suppose he is an incubus? 😭😭😭 The shot after "demon" has the word "desire," which can have a sexual connotation.

For those who don't know, an incubus is a male demon who preys on women sexually.......it would explain his kinky behavior in NDZ 💀 but I digress.......

Some of the first lines we hear from Sylus:

"Even if you wanted to sell your soul, you still have to find someone who can pay the price."

"Want some help? Yes? No? Maybe so?"

These lines reinforce the idea of "deal with the devil". In the new theme song, Visions opposées, the singer also sings this line: "Mais c'est le prix à payer" (But that's the price to pay). It could just be figurative, or it could hold some literal truth, because I found it interesting how that verse overlaps with Sylus' scenes. I doubt it's a coincidence since the devs are so good at planting seeds.

From the chorus, in order, we hear:

[MINOR RAFAYEL, XAVIER, & ZAYNE SPOILERS]

"But that's the price to pay / o'love" - Rafayel, God of the Sea, is separated by MC. His price? His civilization.

"Stars will always shine / But with pain" - Xavier and MC are separated (side note: I don't have the second half of Xavier's first myth yet, so I can't elaborate too much. But I've seen enough references to understand the scene depicted in the MV)

"Though separated / Hearts cling on" - Zayne (The Foreseer) is separated from MC in many lifetimes. The memories of their love are tied to the jasmine flowers even if they forget.

[END SPOILERS]

"That's the price to pay / Yet lovers endure forevermore"

This is the verse that plays over Sylus' scene. What is his price? Does the following verse mean that he and MC must always endure something? Hardship? Misfortune?

When the chorus repeats a second time near the end, all of the above verses coincide with the intended love interest. It absolutely can be argued that all four love interests paid a price for their love, and not just Sylus. This whole tangent was brought up to follow with the whole "deal with the devil" aspect. As stated previously, I wouldn't be surprised if the devs and songwriters intended for the lyrics to have layers upon layers of meaning in relation to the stories.

Also take into consideration the lyrics from the song in Sylus' first official trailer, Tangible Shackles:

The outlaw again celebrates this encounter in fate It's time to break the seal they set in mind It's time they will have to pay the price

To me, though, in this song, the verse sounds very vengeful. It sounds almost vindictive, as if someone must be punished for whatever wrongdoing done against Sylus.

Watching the interview for Visions opposées, it seems the LADS team has shared enough of the intended stories for the songwriters to understand and pen the songs we hear. I trust that there will be complete clarity to the lyrics once we're able to understand Sylus' myth.

Love is the privilege of mortals

A gift the gods covet in vain

Astra, you ass, is that you

Now remember the first official trailer for Sylus? Yeah. Long-Awaited Revelry. Do you know what "revelry" mean? 'Cause I sure as heck didn't and kept wanting to read it as rivalry

revelry. noun. a situation in which people are drinking, dancing, singing, etc. at a party or in public, especially in a noisy way. — Cambridge Dictionary

To put it simply, "long-awaited party," which with the new knowledge of the timeline of scenes shown, we can clearly see a scene of MC entering a ballroom where Sylus is at in the trailer.

What type of party is this? Long-awaited? Maybe an engagement? In the MV, you can catch a brief glimpse of guests in the background watching MC enter. It seems almost like Sylus is waiting to show her off. The dance they share also seem intimate, and Sylus' expression is very soft and tender.

Previously, I alluded that it looks like MC and Sylus' wrist are bounded by a thread, similar to the Red Thread of Fate, but afterwards, I had my doubts, and if in keeping with the theme of being trapped, perhaps they were actually cuffed? I have previously mentioned that handcuffs have shown up often in the trailers.

To be cuffed together makes it seem like it wasn't a choice for one or both people. Kind of pondering if maybe MC might have sold her soul to Sylus, thus becoming bounded to him?

I have also made a lot of references to the myth of Hades and Persephone previously (still holding onto it with every fiber of my being tbqh), BUT for the sake of this third theory, let's revise the above scene to mean...

Sylus, a demonic creature, is trapped on the dark side while MC is a mortal on the light side (mortal realm). He knows their love can never be, so he forces whatever bond they made together to break, setting her free to remain in the mortal realm while he remains trapped in the Underworld.

Interestingly, Sylus conjures up a gun, pressing it to his chest where his heart would be. And he makes MC shoot him. ....thus breaking their bond? Or killing him idk man

This appears to be the following appearance of him after he is shot in his chair:

I'm sorry if this seems out of left field and my mind works in a weird way, but.....the scene above kind of made me think of the Roman/Greek myth for Cupid/Eros and Psyche. Rather, I was thinking of the scene where after her jealous sisters manipulated her and planted seeds of doubts, Psyche betrays her husband's trust and broke her promise to not view his face and learn of his identity. She carries a dagger with the intention of killing him.

In the aforementioned myth, Psyche does journey into the Underworld during a final trial set forth by Cupid/Eros' mother, Venus/Aphrodite. Other than that, there might not be many other correlations I can make in regard to the scene depicted in Visions opposées.

Speaking of Cupid (Roman name, but aka Eros in Greek mythology), however, it's also worth noting that Cupid was described as a "demon of fornication" by some mythographers. Take this part with a grain of salt since this was due to adapting the Roman myth for Christian usage. I do, however, vaguely recalled in some Greek/Roman myths, Eros/Cupid was viewed as devious by the other gods due to him being able to make both mortals and the gods fall in love depending on his whims, be it out of mischievousness or malice.

So....Cupid....God of desire....erotic love.............that earlier incubus comment I made?? 😭 This part I am definitely pulling out of my ass. 💀 Let's just wrap this post up. 🫠

If we look at the myth from the angle that Sylus is a demon, then....

Theory 3: Sylus is a demon who has come across MC, and for whatever reason, she is desperate to make a deal with a demon, thus bounding herself to him. Perhaps over time, Sylus grows to adore her, but maybe MC betrays his trust, whether it be intentional or at the manipulation of others? Could he have tested her when he made her shoot him? Was he willing to die for her, even if it's at her hands?

Uhhhh.....yeah. This theory seems more far-fetched. 🫠 Well, thanks for your time! If any of the crumbs I've presented stirred any theories from you all, I'd love to hear it! Bye. 💕

[pinkeoni]

Okay I'll make a masterpost

Orange=Major Theory Red=Trigger Warning

Will Byers is Jesus Christ and Other Biblical Stuff

What Exactly Do I Mean When I Say Will is Jesus Christ? (read first)

Christ Figure Will OG Post

Christ Figure Will Part II ft. Mike & Judas

Will as Jesus Actual OG Post?

Will's Cleric Robes

Is Will Actually God?

Will/Jesus Shot-Reverse-Shot

Is Henry the Antichrist?

Hawkins & Sodom & Gomorrah

The Sacred Heart of Will Byers

Will-El-Vecna Christ Figure Triad

The Red Dragon and the Beast From the Sea

Revelations 1:8

Will as a Vessel for God/One

Will Byers Has Powers

Will's Creation Powers: A Man, His Dog, and a Baseball Bat (TW)

Will Can't Remember His Childhood Very Well (TW)

The Upside Down is Will's Original Hiding Spot (TW)

Will’s Birthday: Clowns, Fathers, Baseball & Powers (TW) Part 2

The Dragon Represents Wills Self Harm (TW)

Is It Too Late to Reveal Will's Powers?

Will the Wise Weirdness

Vecna Creates Flesh From Flesh; Will Creates Flesh From Dust

Will as the Creature With a Gaping Mouth

Hinting at Will's Powers Through Dialogue

Will as a Source of Energy

Puzzle Game Powers Hints

White-Haired Will

Was Will a Mistake By the Lab?

Does Will Have Soteria in Him?

When Did Will and Vecna Create a Connection?

Why Did it Take Two Extra Days For Particles to Come Through?

El's Arc vs Will's Arc

Peter Pan: Is the Upside Down Neverland? Part 2

Will's Shadow Walking and Joyce's Vision

Will's Powers Could Be Activated With Drugs

Will Cloned Himself in the Upside Down

Will Transformation Theory

Lonnie Byers Your Days Are Numbered

Figuring Out Lonnie’s Deal

How Much Does Joyce and Jonathan Know About Lonnie's Abuse?

The Importance of Lonnie Byers in Season 5

Will Probably Misses His Dad

Lonnie Phone Weirdness

Lonnie/Lab Hypothetical

Lonnie & Editing

Lonnie/Chester/Bat Demomonsters

Will Might Kill His Dad?

Will's Fear of Clowns is Related to His Dad

Lonnie Byers is Bones

Was Lonnie an MK ULTRA Test Subject?

Larry the LEGO Man Analysis

Lonnie Wants a Family Just Not Will

Stranger Things x Twin Peaks

Will Byers & Laura Palmer Part I Part II

Joyce Byers & Sarah Palmer

Will & Laura Dancing on Video

Joyce & Sarah Hallucinations

Episode One Similarities

The Secret Diary of Will Byers

S2 & FWWM Similarities

Will & Laura Visual Parallels

"I held a mirror up to them"

Character Analyses

Mike & the Word "Girl"

Dustin's Absent Father and the Effects on His Character

El's Dresses

Has Mike and El Ever Had a Mutual... Anything?

El's Monster/Superhero Dichotomy

Mike Wheeler and Audience Perception

Will Byer’s Coming of Age Horror Story

Sam Owens: Playing Devil’s Advocate

The Effect NINA Actually Had on El

Willel Narrative Duality— With Charts!

Willel Narrative Mirroring: Presenting Themes of Sexuality (TW)

“And yet you still have a C in Spanish.”

Max is El's Mentor

Other Theories

Vecna the LEGO Man

Will Vecna Try to "Combine" With Will?

Reagan/Bush '84 and the Looming Danger of Homophobia

No Longer Will

The OTS Shot

"It Was a Seven" & The Seventh Seal

Will's Missing Left Hand

Will "Creature With a Gaping Mouth" Visuals

Is Vecna Absorbing Will's Memories For Strength? (Birthdaygate)

Will & Hopper Parallels

Color Stuff

"Love, Mike"

Collar Theory

Max Could Activate the Doomsday Clock

Thoughts on Will's Scrapped Letterman Jacket

Sam Owens Fishiness

Henry as Will's "Good Angel"

Mike and El Confession Parallels

Mike & El + Steve & Robin Parallels

On Character Biases and Parallel Storylines

Is the Upside Down a Living Thing?

[talesfromsiteredacted]

Random Things Dr. Cimmerian Said Asleep

Dr. Cimmerian is, first, typically a ray of sunshine. Second, he has a bad habit of dozing off while reviewing reports. And drooling on a few here and there. He does say some weird shit while asleep, I blame the copious amounts of coffee everybody consumes. Once more, without context!

"Peaches? With long pork? Pushing the boundaries of fine cannibal dining I see, Ferdinand. I'd suggest some shiraz or a nice zinfandel."

"Yoshi! Put down that D-Class right this instant! He's a very boring serial killer. The nice Chaos Insurgency guy next to him would taste better, not that we condone a humanitarian diet here."

"Dyo, honestly... the crinoline is outdated with good reason, namely it's too damned impractical. Stick to corsetry."

"Eighty kilos of gunpowder, twenty kilos of iron nails, a further twenty kilos of roofing tar? In her skirts? I've heard people say 'If I'm going to die, you're coming with me!' before, but... that's hard-core. No wonder they stopped burning witches after that. Woman was a massive legend, but not a witch. A REAL witch wouldn't need all that to make burning her a bad idea."

"Clef... your ex... Woman has an entire magazine warehouse of issues. And you put your junk in the crazy. Never. Sleep. With. The. Crazy."

"Dad? Why is the beer growing mushrooms?"

"AAAAAHHH! WHO THE UNHOLY HELLS GAVE 096 A FUCKING CLOWN SUIT!"

"Put down the cake knife and walk away, Dr. Bright. You knew when you asked Mabel for German chocolate what you're in for. Besides, you could just hit her with her own terrible cake. Not that O5 would condone that, of course."

"Uh... Ben? Is it me, or are the daisies staring us down?"

"We actually nailed jello to a tree once. Clef bet Kondraki $200 he could figure out how it's done. Benny almost ate his sword over that one. Turns out you can do it, provided you simply nail the unopened box to the tree."

"Cain, can you locate in the notes where anyone asked Dr. Matthieu for his opinion?" A pause. "Nowhere? Huh. As I thought. Thank you."

"Whomever said you couldn't herd cats never was at my Aunt Martha's house. All she had to do to herd cats was just touch the food bag, and every cat in her house came running."

"WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO FEED THAT POOR IDIOT TO 682? He's going to get an upset stomach."

"Uh... Agent Dimitriov? I think you might have forgotten part of your uniform. Aren't your knees cold?"

"Are you sure we can't just yeet him out of the airlock when no one's looking? Yes, I know the spaceship is on Earth still, but it's far enough off the ground for terminal velocity to become a factor. Just push him out of the vent."

"You hit the Scarlet King in the junk, with a hammer? And survived? Okay, Abel... I take it back. You're not just a Semetic badass, you're THE Semetic Badass."

"How? How in the hells did you manage to shoot yourself in the back with no one else around you in a sealed room? The fuck you mean, 'The Invisible Man has a gun?' Admit it, you had someone shoot you to get out of Peanut-sitting again, didn't you?"

"Coffee. Extra large, heavy on the cream and sugar. No, larger than that. Larger." A pause. "What do you mean, you don't sell by the gallon?"

"Dr. Gears. This is the SCP Foundation. Sarcasm and pessimism are practically survival mechanisms here. Give the kid a pass."

"NOOOO! COME ON, WHAT THE BLUE FUCK DID OREGON DO TO DESERVE LENNY? YOU UTTER BASTARDS!" In the middle of a meeting with the Ethics Committee, eyebrows were raised, and coffee spilled.

"Run."

"I, too, would rather be under the sea, in an octopuses garden in the shade. You thinking what I'm thinking, my dive brother? Right. Let's leave these landlubbers and go hang with the fishes."

"Funny, 035. First, we can't KEEP you dressed, now you're out here looking like a weird ass male version of Rogue from the X-Men. Malicious compliance is acceptable, I suppose."

"You keep making poultry explode, Alto. Perhaps your charming assistant should give you cooking lessons?"

"WHY IS EVERYTHING ON FIRE?!? AGAIN?"

"Screw the files! Don't let 999 burn! That little blob of joy is my only reason to live."

"That's it. Get me a team of ten really strong D-Class, a case of 100 mph tape, a tranquilizer gun fully loaded, the electric purple snow leopard furry suit in lost and found, and a camera. Let this be the last time anyone sees Bright butt in public."

"I'm not above blackmail and we both know it. Gimme. The. Pie."

"Simon? I think this might be above my skill level. Can you please get Dr. King to calm down?"

"I can't believe Agatha talked him into a mankini. Didn't need photo evidence though."

"WHO THE HELLS TAUGHT THE KETCHUP PUPPIES TO 'FETCH THE LEG'? Max? That's... honestly impressive. Pity about that guy from MC&D, though. He did have it coming, to be honest."

"You ran... the Bible... through the Clockworks? On "Very Fine". And, got basically over a thousand pages of 'Try not to be an asshole, mmmmkay?'. Experiment inconclusive. Run the 'Communist Manesfesto' through next, my accountant is curious."

"Why are you here? Basically, 343 likes a joke as much as the next person. Oh. You meant why are you in the Femur Breaker? Well, we gotta get 106 back in containment somehow. That's where you come in. For what it's worth, I'm sorry about this, you seem like a lovely fellow."

"They're just firing arrows at us. You have an SMG, shoot them back. Some MTF agent you are."

"He's dating THAT? I've seen less silicone in a RealDoll. And, better fashion sense, for that matter."

"Wait... hold the phone, Abel. You're older than Jesus, but never had a cannoli? Rabbit, my girl, this will not stand. Cannoli the man!" A brief pause. "I KNOW, RIGHT? Whomever invented the cannoli deserves a sainthood."

"Primitive and outdated concept on a crutch!" Preceded by a thump.

"New Bright List entry: 'Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to access the Cursed Clown Nose of Improbability under any circumstances. No, not even to prevent an XK Class Scenario.' Noted. This item #857, or 858? I lost track."

"WHAT kind of butter? Oh. I thought you said something altogether more horrifying."

"JULIAN, YOU ABSOLUTE WALNUT! You forgot Quinn's birthday. Of COURSE you're in trouble for it. I got you covered though. They're still into lemons and tea, right? You're golden. Lemon blossom tea set, courtesy of the fine folks of Etsy. Pay me back on Friday."

[gamebunny-advance]

Hwah...

I'm not gonna finish these before Art Fight starts, but I still wanted to do this as a personal project.

So, after getting prompted by my buddy @gingerweed-man (thanks for the suggestion ^o^), I feel like designing some more seals for "Animal Crossing: Open Seas", my fantasy AC sequel. I posted a sketch of the base model and a potential villager already, but I wrote down some ideas for a few more. Too many ideas.

So, I want y'all to vote on which concept you'd like to see most. I'll try to do the top 3, but eventually I would like to draw all of them~ If you have more than one favorite, feel free to reply with your second and/or third runner's up.

*If you don't know these personalities, click the link to my original post about AC: Open Seas.

[the-bar-sinister]

Deicide (49946 words) by VickytheSnake, thesavagesabretooth Chapters: 13/?

Summary: In the aftermath of the raid on Onigashima everything changes. The path to the One Piece is a course that can only be charted by those who agree to join together as friends and fight without taking the easy way out.

catch up here.

-

Smoothie stood tall, one foot on the figurehead of her personal assault ship as she stared out at the sea. 

Wano was a disaster. Their mama had lost her damn mind, both figuratively and literally, regressing to a state where she could no longer properly lead her own pirate empire before being slammed into a coma that ensured she could not.

Katakuri and Pudding were still missing, the big alliance with Kaidou turned into a farce just before he too was pounded into the ground and taken off the board and the Straw Hats were still skulking about the sealed off island doing hell knows what.

It was a real failure, and one that set her blood boiling and fired up her need for a stiff drink.

“And then the fucking Marines got involved,” she hissed low under her breath. “What a pain.” 

"It could have been worse," her brother, Perospero said, leaning on the rail of the ship just below where she stood at the figurehead. "I'm not entirely sure how, but give me some time and I'm sure I can think of a way."

“Those straw hat freaks could have decided to turn around and finish us off?” Smoothie snorted “I cannot believe we lost to them…us, the sweet generals and mama’s elite!"

Pero drummed his figures on the railing. "It's like a nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. The newspapers are calling Straw Hat and Buggy the Clown the new emperors you know. We've lost all of our status."

Smoothie’s eye twitched as she turned to look at her dear brother. “You’re kidding me, Pero. They can’t be seriously…already? So damned soon?” 

He held up the copy of the paper in his hands and unrolled it for her. Sure enough, only four days after the incident on Wano, the headline read: "Kaidou and Big Mom Toppled. New Emperors Reign Supreme."

"I wish I were joking."

Smoothie grit her teeth. 

“All of that wasted effort, and wasted life…and for what?” She reached out a long arm to slap it against the front of the paper. “For some upstart who tried to destroy our family and a goddamned clown to take it all from us.” 

He pressed the paper into her hands, shaking his head. He tugged frustratedly at the brim of his hat.

"Everything crumbled in an instant," he said. "Although…"

There was a look in Pero's eye that Smoothie knew well. It was the look he had when he was about to say something very smart, or something very stupid.

“Here we go,” she murmured as she held the paper up to the light and stared into Straw Hat Luffy’s unsettling eyes. “I’m listening, brother.” 

He met her gaze and a thin smile crawled across his sharp face. "They say when one door closes another door opens. If dear mother is no longer in a position to lead the family when she wakes up, between her mental state, the shock, and whatever else— maybe this nasty setback could be the beginning of a new era."

“You’re suggesting we take the helm while mother’s …” She glanced out in the direction Cracker’s ship had long left them by to take mother home. “indisposed?” 

"I think on a temporary basis we absolutely must take the helm," he nodded. "We can't leave the family without direction in a time of crisis, now can we?"

Smoothie’s smile crossed her face like a knife. Mother was a tyrant; killing her own children when she got into one of her moods. As loyal as she was, as dedicated, the thought had come to Smoothie’s mind more than once to slit her throat and take the reins for her beloved siblings’ sakes.

“I doubt she’ll ever return to full health, Pero.” Smoothie purred as she leaned towards him. “It may be best for the family while they’re in need to have a …stable…leadership.” 

He nodded, his smile only growing like the thin edge of a knife. "You see exactly what I mean. And this sort of thing has to be taken care of in a hurry. If we delay, there's more time for worry to grow among the family. For our contact to increase the severity of this defeat in their minds. But if we take the reins now…"

Smoothie placed a hand on his candy shoulder, a broad grin on her normally placid face. 

“Dearest brother. You really are brilliant, you know that?” She chuckled under her breath. “If we take the reins now , we can recover our strength while the family still sees themselves as strong and united.” 

He put his hand fondly on her arm in return.

"I knew I could count on you for your support, dear little sister. We'll get the situation in hand, and come out stronger than ever."

“We certainly will, Pero.” she agreed, almost continuing before the voice of another dear sibling rang out from a small mirror that the high ranking members of the family were all required to carry.

Looking into it, she saw Brulee, tugging excitedly at a lock of her lilac hair with the biggest smile she’d seen on her face in months.

“Brother, Sister!!! You won’t believe the good news!"

Pero craned to peer into the mirror his sister held. 

"I'd love to believe it, sister," he said. "What exactly is the news that's too good to be true?"

Brulee nearly seemed to be crying as she cheered. 

“Big brother Katakuri and little sister Pudding contacted us! They’re okay!”

Smoothie’s eyes widened “that…is good news. Welcome news even!” 

"Things are looking up already," Pero said, taking off his hat and slicking back his hair. "Where are they? I'm assuming they heard the news about mother dearest?"

Brulee’s smile hitched for a moment before she muttered too quiet to hear.

“Speak up, sister.” Smoothie demanded , before Brulee did with a nervous nod.

“...they’re on Germa 66’s flotilla. But they promised they’re okay! They’re not captive! They’d heard the news about mother and were trying to make sure we were okay too!” 

Pero grabbed Smoothie's hand with the mirror in it and pressed his face to the glass with sudden alarm. "They're with Germa fucking 66? You're sure they're alright? Where's their fleet, we'll change course this minute!"

“Ahhh!!” Brulee squeaked before she flashed a bright smile. “don’t worry! They’re actually headed our way now!”

Smoothie looked up, a grimace written on her face as she saw the telltale sign of masts on the horizon— too many masts— rising up like a small city on the sea.

“Damn it all to hell.” 

Pero twisted his hat in his hands. "Well, Smoothie. Are you ready for the first challenge in our leadership of the family, then?"

“You know me, Pero. The only thing I like more than a beautiful partner and a stiff drink is a challenge.” She cracked her knuckles with a wicked smile. “if Germa wants a second round…they’ll regret it.”

"Well then, Brulee. Please let Katakuri know that we'll be happy to see them— and their escort— when they arrive."

000

"I'll tell you right now," Killer said as they boarded the Kid pirates's ship– the Victoria Punk– "I am not going to miss Wano."

Basil had his bag over his straw shoulder, hiking it up onto the ship as he took one last look out at Wano’s countryside.

“The aesthetics were nice, but I certainly won’t be missing it either. Too many bad memories.”

"If you wanna enjoy the aesthetics, we'll get a postcard before we set sail," Killer drawled, leering as he walked past him up onto the deck of the ship. He let his own bag down and took a deep breath.

Killer just shook his head at the comment. "Too many bad memories is right."

Basil laughed, shaking his head “no, I think I’ve seen enough of it for a good long while, Captain.”

He started up the gangplank with a serious smile. “I think we all have. Good riddance, I say…”

He really wouldn’t miss Wano at all. He’d been used as one of Kaidou’s attack dogs, he hadn’t exactly made connections while simultaneously losing the ones he had before he’d arrived.

Wano was a country of loss, a cursed turn of the cards that was now finally clearing off the board. 

"Good riddance," Kid agreed. "And welcome aboard, Bas. Try to remember that I'm the captain."

Kid's grin was as mean as ever, but Basil was used to it from their time as allies. He might have a reputation for hot tempered cruelty, but among friends at least, his rough manner was decidedly affectionate.

Basil held his straw hand up with a wry smile. It was admittedly one of the more charming things about the man.

“I’ll endeavor to do my best…but I can’t promise not to sit in the captain’s chair every now and again out of habit.” he joked as he finally stepped on board. 

Kid stepped over to him and put his arm around him– the weight of metal heavy but not crushing on Basil's shoulders. "Careful there. You can sit on the captain's chair, but only if I'm already in it."

Basil’s pale face turned a touch pink as he leaned into the weight of the metal against straw. 

“My, my.” he smiled up at him. “I don’t even need my cards to see what the future has in store. I’ll remember that, Captain.” 

Kid brushed the fingers of his flesh hand over Basil's cheek. "See that you do, crewman."

Behind them, Killer chuckled and started putting away supplies.

000

Carrot didn’t bring much onto the mainland of Wano, but somehow she’d wound up with more than she’d started with. New clothes from Zou’s allies, a keen edged sword from the battle itself…and a whole bundle of sweets and fresh vegetables to ask Sanji to hide for her to nibble on later.

She was just putting the finishing touches on packing away one of her new kimono when the doorway rattled open and she was surprised with a ferocious tackle hug from the captain of the Straw Hats.

With a rabbitish squeak, she stumbled forward before looping arm arm back around him and nuzzling the back of her head against his cheek “Garchu! Hey Captain!” 

"Eheheh! Hey, Carrot!" he grinned, nuzzling her back. Luffy was always just as affectionate as a member of her own race. "Packing up?"

It was probably that very quirk of his that made her so comfortable around him, enough to travel with him through the early part of the grand line after her search for a lost comrade took her far, far from Zou.

“I most certainly am! You didn’t think you were gonna leave without me, did you?” 

He poked her chest fluff soundly with the tip of his finger. "I told you I wouldn't! Did your Zou friends try to convince you to go back?"

Carrot’s smile faltered as she laughed. 

“Yeah, they did…you know they wanted to make me the King of Zou?” 

Luffy's mouth fell open as he hung on her with his arm around her. "No way, they wanted to make you the king?"

“Yeah! Crazy, right? I wasn’t even one of their top musketeers or anything. I dunno why they wanted to offer me the job instead of like, Wanda or someone.”

She pulled him closer to chew a bit on his cheek thoughtfully “Inuarashi and Nekomamushi are retiring.” she said, mid chomp “to be a part of Momo’s personal guard I guess…so they tried to get me to accept it and be their new king in their place.” 

Luffy leaned on her as she nibbled him, idly petting her hair. "Sounds like they're kind of hard up. But I'm glad you said no."

He looked at her askance. She hadn't said that she's said no. Rather, the firm tone from the captain said that he expected she'd said no. After all, she'd already promised to sail with him.

Carrot bumped his hand, nuzzling against his hand with a quiet laugh. “I actually left them a note that they’re not gonna see until I’m gone.”

She hadn’t firmly said no, or rather— she’d tried. She’d tried and the wave of ‘but Carrot we need you’ and ‘why don’t you give it a little more thought’ seemed to drown her out.

It was better this way, Carrot was a wandering swordsman, a grappler, wasn’t she? A swordsman had no place just sitting around on a throne all day.

"I knew it was a good idea to sneak out of here," Luffy said quietly, nuzzling his face into her shoulder, suddenly pensive. "I don't get why this always happens to my friends."

Carrot leaned back into him with a tilt of her head, her ears bopping the top of his head. “...geeze, it really does huh?” 

He nodded, frowning a little as he reached up and played with her ears. "Like when Vivi left. And they tried to do it to Rebecca too. And then Sanji! You're not even a princess!"

She sniffed in frustration, her ears twitching against his hands as he played with them.

“I know right? I’m just…I’m just a musketeer. And not even the only musketeer who was a Kingsbird too!” She laughed, trying to brighten the room. “Maybe all your friends are so great everyone just wants to keep ‘em?” 

It drew a smile out of him, exactly as she had hoped. "They sure are! But they can't keep them 'cause they're my friends! My crew."

He held on tighter to her, wrapping his legs around her midsection.

She loved cuddling with Luffy, it was something most humans seemed to get strange about, but never him. In times like this, when she was feeling rough, and conflicted it always helped her calm down.

“And your crew’s never gonna leave you, Captain! I promised, right? I promised you that I’d sail with you back on Thriller Bark— even if we fulfilled your part of the promise to help me check on Zou again, and find my lost comrades…I’m not gonna just leave you.” 

Luffy looked at her with the same wide, dark eyes he'd fixed on her the first time that he'd demanded she join his crew, and he smiled his wide smile again, nuzzling his head into her neck.

"Good. I'd definitely have to fight these guys over it if they tried to drag you back."

Carrot looked deep into his eyes with a warmth under her fur and the slight sting of faint tears in her eyes. 

“I know you would, Captain…you’d fight anyone who got in your way about it…” She laughed and leaned in to nuzzle her nose against his cheek. “which is EXACTLY why I wanna sneak away. Talk about a weird goodbye!” 

He giggled at the ticklish sensation and squeezed her. "Yeah, it'd be pretty weird. Nami would probably say something about making a bad impression. But I don't care."

“I…kinda don’t too.” Carrot grinned at him as she gave him an affectionate squeeze. “it’d be a little sad but…I have to draw my line in the sand someday, right?” 

"You gotta," he nodded firmly. "Oh, that reminds me. I should check on Robin, too. She said she had some stuff to do about the ponygliffs."

Carrot placed a hand atop his head with a bright smile and rustled her captain’s hair. 

“...you should. I bet she’d really like that.” She closed her eyes with a bright smile as she said in a quieter voice. “Captain…thank you for having me along. Thanks for wanting to sail with me to the end of the sea.” 

He grabbed her hands in his and squeezed them, looking at her with his intense gaze.

"I'm going to keep sailing with you even after that. Even after we run out of sea. Promise." 

000

There was something both awe-inspiring and relaxing about making rubbings of Poneglyphs…it was a preservation of history mingled with a sort of calming busywork and attention to detail that Robin thrived in.

For some time, the former King of Wano had been there with her and the pirate captain Law of the Heart Pirates. True to her word, she had copies for him and for Kid before he fully disembarked.

She smiled as she rubbed the graphite on the paper, getting the imprint of the text nice and clear. No matter how dire the past was— no matter how bad the news— it was better to know the history and adapt than to remain blind.

Maybe that was how she was able to smile despite the worrisome information she’d just received. 

When she was done, rubbings in hand, she departed the strange little shrine that held the ponegliff like a piece of another word and came back up into the daylight.

She was almost immediately nearly bowled over by her captain.

"Robin! Traffy told me you'd be here!"

She caught herself on a pair of legs that sprouted from her knees to balance her, several arms blooming as well to hug him tight as she laughed pleasantly.

“Of course he did…good. I was on my way to look for you.” 

He giggled and wrapped himself around her. "I guess I was way ahead of you! I remembered you said something about ponygliffs."

Luffy grinned broadly. Ponygliffs. Robin knew for a fact that Luffy knew what they were actually called, but he liked calling them that way.

Robin rustled his hair with an affectionate half smile. 

“I was on my way to rent one to ride around Wano.” she joked dryly.

Luffy laughed and nuzzled her hand. "I knew it. Don't bother though, I'll carry you back if you want."

“Oh my, you’ll be my ponygliff?” Robin smiled down at him. “how can I say no? It’s not as embarrassing as that docking travesty, after all.” 

He laughed again and planted his feet back on the ground. "Nope, not like that at all. Just a good old fashioned ponyback right. Ponygliff ride."

Robin chuckled obligingly and fondly, before she climbed onto his back with her arms wrapped around his shoulders. “I’m a little tall. Are you sure you can manage?”

He pumped his fist, showing off his– admittedly impressive– muscles. "I'm strong! there's no way I'd have a problem carrying you."

Robin kissed the top of his head. 

“Then high ho, steed.” She rested her chin on his hair after her kiss, looking out at Wano. “We’re one step closer to it, Luffy. One step closer to the secrets of the past.” 

"Yeah?" she could hear the smile in his voice as he carried her down the beaten dirt path. "That's exciting, right?"

Robin nodded against him. 

“You know it’s always been my dream. To unlock the history of the Void Century. No matter what it holds, good or bad…don’t you think it’s better to know than to be in ignorance?” 

"I don't know," he admitted, his voice soft for a moment. Hesitant. The confidence came back into it almost immediately. "But I know it's amazing because it's your dream, and I'm going to help you get there!"

Robin closed her eyes for a moment. 

“I know you will, Luffy.” she squeezed him tighter. “and when I do, I’m going to use what I learn to help you no matter what.” 

He squeezed his hands around her legs. "Thanks, Robin. Talking to you yesterday really helped get me to talk to everybody else, too..."

Robin had already been able to tell that even though he was smiling today, what they'd talked about yesterday wasn't far from his mind.

“Always, Luffy.” she lowered her head to his shoulder, looking sidelong at him. “and I know they all wish to support you too…in their own ways. I know these are troublesome times.” 

He glanced up at her as he walked. They were reaching the edge of town now.

"They are. But we'll get through them together. I know, because I have you, and the rest of my crew. Even if it turns out to be really, really hard… as long as we're together…"

Robin met his eyes with a soft smile on her normally sharp features. 

“and we’ll always be together, Luffy. Remember…” A hand bloomed to poke his nose “you promised to take responsibility.” 

"I promised," he nodded. "And I'm not going to let you down again. I'm not going to let any of my crew down."

He leaned into the hand that had bloomed, garnering funny looks from the people of Wano in the street nearby.

Robin simply smiled at them before turning her attention back to Luffy. 

“And we’re not going to let you down either. Luffy…I want to do my best to make sure you become exactly the person you want to be. No matter what.” 

"I know," he nodded. "I'm trying not to worry about the next fight. When I might be tempted to break out gear five. When I do, I'll turn to you guys instead. But– I guess, it's funny I'm worrying about it. I don't even know what the next fight will be…"

Robin’s arms bloomed to hold him at multiple angles as he walked, one’s fingers brushing his cheek. 

“It doesn’t matter what it is…another Emperor, an old enemy, a new…a god…” she cooed softly. “You won’t have to use Gear 5. We’ll fight together as a crew to make sure you don’t have to even think about using it again.” 

He nuzzled his head against her hand. "Thanks, Robin. Whenever I'm struggling, I know exactly who I can turn to. If you guys had been there. On that day… if we hadn't been separated…"

Luffy had never said it. Not all the way. But she'd heard him suppose it before. If they hadn't been separated. If they'd been there at Marineford.

Then Ace never would have died. The crisis could have been averted.

When she’d heard the news she’d cursed herself for being so far away and unable to help.

Her arms held him gently as she nodded. “I know, Luffy. We can’t change the past but…we can make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

His grip on her tightened. "I'm never letting you guys go again," he swore. "We're getting to the end of the grand line together. And beyond it. Just like I told Carrot."

Robin nodded against him , looking out at the Wano skyline and the bustling shops to the distant ocean beyond. “From now till the end of our era and beyond, no?” 

"And way, way beyond."

[tobiasdrake]

Finally, we're off this spire. To Brisk!

hahahahahaha this is fine hahahaha

HAHAHAHAHA I'm not terrified you're terrified shut up I will push you off this lift it has no guardrails HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

He could sneeze and send us to Jupiter.

WELL I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY THEN

I think I hate this island? Yeah. Yeah, I hate this island. When do we get to go home to our bird-wardened prison village?

A swim? The hell do you mean by--

...so they built a lift to bring us part of the way but couldn't be arsed to come up with any better method for the next stretch of road than swimming for dear life.

Man, trade between the Molekin and Brisk must suck. This is not conducive to transporting cartloads of goods from one city to the other.

It's gorgeous here, don't get me wrong. It's just. Also. Terribly inconvenient for shipping.

And what the hell happened here? Should I be alarmed by a demolished ruin of a home lying on the path to Brisk? Because I am. I am alarmed by this.

There's even a Solstice Warrior vault in the backyard. Was this one of ours? Because it's been abandoned for so long that it's now overrun with crystal pests. The worst kind of pests, because you try to swat them and the crystals jab into your hand.

Granted, we're only keeping ancient wisdom and not a sealed-off eldritch horror here, but still. "Fuck it; burn the house down and let the beetles have it!" is not a very professional way of handling archival.

Also, that scroll has a combo move for me and Garl on it, so I'm doubly offended that nobody gave a single solitary shit about preserving this knowledge. Garl's my bestie!

At long last, we arrive in the port town of Brisk! Pretty decent size, too. I'm sure we can find a ship here.

And here we've got a crew! Finally, we can get off this shithole of an isl-- Is that guy wearing two separate eyepatches?

HE IS

He is wearing double eyepatches

What a clown! I'm going to get along well with these people.

Are you the Captain? Because that would be an amazing way of introducing yourself as the Captain if you were.

Yolande Service Fortwal. Nice to meet you. I don't think I even have a last name so I'm super jealous that you get three.

Also, loving the octopus bandana. Really brings the whole pirate look together.

Oh! The Vespertine. Teaks knows all about that. The tragic tale of a ship that was inexplicably already a ghost ship, lost to an eternal nightmare sea because the captain decided to be a huge piss-baby over his navigator wanting more out of life.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind taking a side-quest there. We have Ambiguous Length of Time until the eclipse so I'm sure we can squeeze that in.

Oh hey, are you the time/space assassin that was spying on us? Cool, maybe we don't have to fight each other. I thought for sure we were going to have to fight each other.

There is no way in hell I am ever going to be able to pronounce your name correctly. Which, as a means of forcing people to respectfully use your formal title, is a clever trick.

I might have to steal that. I am no longer Valere; You will all refer to me as God-Empress Vâe'léeùrà'aê, Supreme Lady of the Moon.

Oh, is it oversized? I thought he just liked bare-chesting around. It's a very pirate thing to do, so I didn't even question it.

Does every ship employ a wind mage? Do... do people just not know how to use natural wind to sail? Is that an art lost to time or... or never discovered...?

We should probably keep an eye on Patches. Wind mage starting shit is how the Vespertine went down. I'm putting on my skepticals.

I'm watching you, Patches.

Oh, there's actually a reason for it. I figured he was just a dork.

I'm a little disappointed by that.

...okay, no, he is a dork. That circles all the way back around to dork. He is a dork. He casts dork magic.

Hang on. So the wager is that if we win, you'll take us to Wraith Island without doing your side quest, but if you win, we have to do your side quest. Why not just put the side quest on the table as the payment for the ride? Why are we wagering when we could just barter?

You mean a bet. A deal would be a trade of side quest for transport. You want to make a bet for some reason.

But okay. Whatever. Garl wants to head over there and learn cooking secrets too so I guess we have no choice but to--

CATCH 40 FISH IN THE LOCAL POND.

YAHOO I'M A PIRATE ADVENTURER! SHIVER ME HATCHES! BATTEN THE MEN! BLOW THE TIMBERS DOWN!

[metalights]

hey, isn’t that elias thatcher? i think that the thirty six year old from essen, germany works as a mechanic at wrench it, and maintainence crew at the black dog motel, but outside of that people describe them as the former class clown, the grumpy mechanic who despises his job but finds the comfort in helping people, the father figure who has no kids but adopted friends, the smell of sea salt and lavender, and the broken record hidden behind the crowds, i hear they are conventional & pharissical, but they are also known to be adaptable & conciliatory. Consider giving them a visit at their home in the seal harbor apartments and get to know why they’re called the hidden record.

✱ LAYER ONE ... the basics.

full name: + Elias Thatcher. preferred name: + Elias. date of birth & age: + november fifteenth &. thirty six. place of birth: + essen, germany. zodiac sign: + scorpio. gender & pronouns: + cis man &. he/they. orientation: + heterosexual &. biromantic spoken/learned languages: + english, korean, and german. occupation: + mechanic @ wrench it, maintenence @ black dog hotel.



✱ LAYER TWO... the appearance.

hair color: + black. eye color: + brown. height: + 5'10" (177 cm) scars: + one against his left palm from a very much... unique incident. tattoos: + n/a. piercings: + multiple ear piercings.



✱ LAYER THREE ... the connections.

parents: + Ada Thatcher ( mother ), unknown father (for now). children: + none. pets: + a golden retriever named fritz. relationship: + single.

✱ LAYER FOUR... the past. ( tw: mentions of death, illness. )

Being born from a one night stand was never really what his mother intended her first born's life to be like. She had been travelling to different stations for her military assignments, orimarily being stationed in south korea for the sake of having a small bit of training. However, after a rather eventful night with her colleagues, she met the man who soon became the absent father to her son. She didn't realize she was pregnant till almost six weeks after she had left south korea to be in her newest assignment: germany.

She panicked at first, but also knew the comfort of being able to be a mother would be something she always wanted. She, of course, had to explain her newfound condition to the military and was given the proper needs and ways of working in more safe environment. She did primarily the office and filing work they needed once it became too dangerous and stressful during the pregnancy, however.. she didn't dare complain.

Thus came the screaming baby boy who practically became a little bundle of joy for her and her work colleagues. She had her time to rest and become more comfortable with being a single mother despite the difficulty of knowing how she would explain such things to her family.. but that was a thing she never dared to worry much over.

His life stayed rather ... normal as normal could be as the child attached to his military mother's hip. He had the time to see her during the evening but not during the day on his way home from school, his smile always brightening when she came home. She had a comforting touch and smile for the boy, and made sure to show it with how much she spoiled him rotten.

However, things took a turn when she came home and felt the weakness she wasn't used to. He asked her what was wrong and she dismissed him saying it was fine, and nothing her little bear didn't need to speak or worry over. That was, till he walked home and found her collapsed in the floor.

After the collapsing, he and his mother had taken the choice to move in with her parents in fairbanks. Of course at first he dispised the move, especially since he never did meet them till he was around fifteen years old. It didn't last long though ! He soon found comfort and pure wonder when he got to help his grandparents with working. They had been running their own shop when it came to different wood working and furniture building, and he simply followed suit.

He would go to school, come home to help his family, and let the cycle repeat. He didn't prepare himself for when he was twenty nine however to the visit to the local hospital being the last due to it being a medical crisis with his mother's condition. He knew she always had Congenital cardiomegaly, but the true state of it she hid from him. Her heart was too large for her body to handle, and even with the option of a transplant.. it was too late due to the weakened state her body had endured. He remembered the sobbing, her touch, her smile, and finally the way it faded and he heard the damning machine telling of the loss he now had.

It took him months to recover from the loss of his only parental figure, and that's when his grandparents suggested the potential moving to be able to allow himself time to process and think it all over.

He truly felt a little broken at the start, but .. as he dropped the last of his boxes inside of his new apartment in achorage, it did slowly become relaxing. His grandfather helped him build the different furniture in the apartment to ensure he didn't deal with the craziness attached to the costs.

His life had it's normalcy along with its tragedies, especially when he accidentally cut his hand deep enough after trying to work on a car and dealt with the mishaps of misgrabbing things. Was it strange living in anchorage for almost six years and feeling as if it was all normal? Very much so.

He still has one thing on his mind... who was his dad and just.. who exactly is the missing side of himself?

[silentparalysis]

Behold! Fish people! I went for pretty realistic looking fish peeps and drew my favorite tfa characters! I also kept thinking about some lore and how to fit these guys together so theres a lot of writing in this!

Blackarachnia was a researcher for Sumdac Marine Rehab Center (SMRC) before turning into a crabby sea witch, she isn't sure how she came to be a mer but she possesses the magic to turn others into mers. The rituals to do this are tedious and dangerous so she only does so sparingly, she's trying to figure out how to turn back into a human but she hasn't mastered it yet. Her and two friends were goofing on a boat as it was racing out to sea to observe a lobster mer migration, they failed to realize they were marching in lines to withstand a fearsome current and when she slipped into the water she was whisked away immediately.

A true beauty this one, blurr is a fast and stealthy fish who likes to spy on the humans and warns other mers about poachers. He was born in the deep sea like all sailfish mer but was drawn to the east coast as mer flocked there to take sanctuary in the protected area, (SMRC) along with other rehab centers advocating for the East Coast to remain poacher free.

One of SMRC's most colorful and playful mers, Bumblebee is a permanent resident at the rehab center. He was found during a coast guard raid on illegal poachers as he was a colorful and vibrant fish, often chosen over normal mers as they make prettier pets. He plays the role of education mer at the Rehab center and absoluetely delights in the attention, playing his role of clown fish quite well. Sari's dad won't release him as the last several attempts had the golden fish coming right back in nets, and he's afraid one day it won't be a distraught fisherman returning him but a poacher making off with the numbskull.

An absolute monster of a fish, blitzwing is a mudskipper of unnatural size. Rather than have gills on his neck he has a huge gill plate under his ribs that can filter water out or seal and let him breath air into his lungs. He's one of the older mers as they can live centuries, but he's only a few hundred years old. He was around when both world wars were happening and used to live around the north west European coast, infamously named "Die Groß Menchenfresser" by the people who found him for specific reasons. SMRC was the only Rehab center willing to take him after he was deemed too dangerous to remain free at sea, his habit of sinking tiny U-boats turning to modern day boats.

One of the hardest fish to draw Prowl is an elegant Sea Dragon, he and an elder mer were responsible for caring for his pods pups. It's normal for a single mer to birth a litter of rambunctious pups so when the spring breeding season rolls around water is ripe with tiny chittering beans. Mers can't hunt and defend their territory with pups in tow so some offer to care for pups in comunial nurserys, prowl being one of these mer. His life changed when the shadow of a huge poacher boat fell over his sanctuary, his memory lost as he awoke to a ravaged and empty nursery. SMRC found him in the empty cove greaving, wounded and starved before they took him in. He spends his time diligently caring for his underwater garden in his tank, a permanent resident as he has no pod and he still has intense fits of depression every summer.

One of my favorite to draw just because I can actually draw humans!!!! Sari is the fucking Steve Erwin of this AU, she educated people about mers and jumps in to save them. She's like a five year old finding stray kittens, her father can't tell her no when she picks up a rescue. She makes sure each mer has adequate tanks that have sand, plants, and plenty of space. She's very hands on with her mers and is always being followed tank to tank by a curious clownfish thats her best friend. Her father is going to have a heart attack one of these days as she has no limits, especially after he jumped into blitzwing's tank to pull her stupid flirty friend out. She often finds herself hoping into various tanks to help, clean, and feed mers, but if she keeps finding her stupid clown fish in the same tank as the fish literally nicknamed "menschenfresser" she's gonna take him home with her and he's sleeping in her salt water pool.

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Nineteen Years Prior (Draco Malfoy x Reader)

You watched the sea of people hurry around platform nine and three quarters. Few amongst the strangers were ghosts of familiar faces, older, more experienced. All different people from which they had first been when coming here nineteen years prior. 

You couldn’t help but smile fondly as though recalling a memory. In someways it was, with only a few minor details changed. Some would have thought that aging or losing friends and family wasn’t so miniscule and shouldn't be dismissed. From your perspective it was. The pain of loss, aging and moving on with life. It was all apart of the story. You stood alone on that platform. Without a family of your own, yet it wasn’t sad. It was enough to be witness to your friends. Your gaze stopped at Ron, Hermione, Harry and Ginny. You recognised them instantly. 

Hermione kissed her daughters forehead, pulling her in close. Meanwhile, Harry fixed his sons shoe lace. His son said something, distracting him from the task. Your eyes returned to find another familiar face. Draco Malfoy’s hair was slicked back just as it had been in the first few years of Hogwarts and just as blonde. The boy he was looking down at with a soft smirk had to have been his son as he too had the Malfoy blonde hair that every Malfoy seemed to inherit. He led his son closer to his mother to enveloped the boy in a hug. He acknowledged Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. Tension was still apparent but it seemed more on Draco’s side in terms of guilt. What could he have said after everything that had happened nine-teen years prior? Draco looked away from his family and caught sight of you across the platform. His eyes widened, smirk vanishing. He looked shocked to see you and you couldn’t help but smile in amusement. Nevertheless, you waved at him as you continued to smile at him. He shifted slightly, seemingly uncomfortable before giving you a discreet nod. You weren’t too surprised. Rumours spread about the Malfoy’s after the Battle of Hogwarts and they shut out themselves in shame. Draco cut contact with everyone. No one heard from the family, only the rumours about them. You never caught any detail of those rumours, only that they existed. Then again, such stories never made it to Hogwarts, only students ever kept them alive and even then, they were barely a rare whisper. 

You had shared many classes with Draco as well as Hermione, Ron and Harry. Much like them, you and Draco got off on the wrong foot. In fact, you were enemies for the first three years. 

With every year, Draco Malfoy had become more and more insufferable, or at least that’s how it seemed. Although whether it was being accustomed to his antics or the desire for a change of scenery with some fresh air, an example would have been in Hagrid’s class. You thought he was doing pretty well. Draco, on the other hand, was insistent on mocking Hagrid through out, making it very known that he didn’t have the seal of Malfoy approval.  “Right you lot, less chatter, form a group over there and open your books at page forty-nine.” Hagrid ordered. A few looked down at their books, Draco and yourself included, in slight confusion. "and how exactly do we do that!?" Draco snapped. "Just stroke the spine, of course! Goodness me." Hagrid called back. You looked down are your book. "I didn't see that coming." You mumbled to yourself. Draco turned his head to look at you before running his fingers down the spine of the book. 

Seeing Harry with Buckbeak was amazing, although you couldn’t help but feel a little jealous, wishing it were you. Although Draco wasn’t so impressed. Your jaw dropped when Draco stormed up to Buckbeak, all the while antagonizing the creature. In retaliation for being too close, Buckbeak immediately stood upon hind legs before tearing into Malfoys arm. Next thing you knew, Draco was whimpering, cursing Hagrid and 'his bloody chicken'. 

You saw him in Lupin's Class, arm now bandaged up and in a sling. He leaned against a pillar as everyone waited for Lupin's next instructions. "You alright?" You asked quietly as you turned your head to Malfoy. Draco looked surprised you had said anything. His eyes darting to you. He hadn't even noticed you had been standing beside him. "Yeah." Draco said gruffly. "Figured I'd ask that one looked like it hurt." You responded. "It did, bloody chicken nearly took my arm off." You weren't sure if Draco was being dramatic, it certainly didn't look that close. However, you didn't really know Draco enough to know if he was the type of exaggerate. 

Draco was surprised, just as his face had shown before morphing back into a scowl. He almost didn't answer your question but was so dumbfounded, he did anyway. Not even Crabbe or Goyle had asked him if he was feeling alright today. You had been the first and you were one of the last he'd think would ever think to ask. Then you surprised him again by actually keeping the conversation going. Draco had two options, tell you to shove off or actually take the conversation. Before he could make the decision, once again he had already responded. 

As Lupin began his lesson, you heard Draco mutter to Crabbe. "This class is ridiculous." "Alright! Everyone line up!" Lupin called out as the class suddenly scurried into one line. Everyone pushed and shoved into a line. Neville started and the Boggart twisted and turned into Professor Snape. Within seconds of Neville's cry "Ridiculous!", he wore what resembled the very outfit he had just described his grandmother to have worn. For Ron, a large spider that was suddenly on roller skates. Pavarti, a snake that became a clown before it could strike. For each, down the line, the Boggart morphed into their worst nightmare before turning into something utterly ridiculous. Much like the spell had been named. You couldn't help but shiver when your turn came along. 

You looked to Professor Lupin before the Boggart would morph. "How do I do it again?" You swallowed hard, your mind drawing blank at the thought of what the Boggart could turn into. "Other than the spell, what do I do?" The Boggart began to twist, morphing into your own fear. "Think about what would make it funny." Lupin said calmly with a reassuring look. The Boggart stretched, tall and thin, morphing into a man in a suit and bowler hat. He had no hair but it was the only defining feature you could make out. He never had a face. His arms longer than they should have been as well as his legs. You only ever saw his silhouette. You knew the figure well.  Usually children feared the monster under their bed or hiding anywhere else. Your monster never hid. He stayed in the dark and there were many terrible nights you awoke to him at the bottom of your bed. That man had haunted your nightmares for so long that you had made up stories about him, even when very young. He had a wife with a neck that was so weak it couldn't hold up her head. The two had a son who looked to be nine years old at most. Due to his mother's weak neck, her son had weak legs. They had never worked since birth and were lifeless. It meant the boy had a solid tight grip that you had felt in your sleep before, the pain being enough to wake you. Since then, you looked at the boys hands that were gripped upon his wheelchair. You knew if there was more than one Boggart, you'd face the whole family that haunted you. However the tall man was the one who never left you alone. 

You heard the discomfort in your classmates from behind you but didn't dare take your mind off of it. His movements were stiff, like he had to fight himself to move his own legs. His steps were small, his dress shoes clicking against the stone flooring. His knees lifting higher than necessary with each step, mimicking walking as if each step he took was his first. Just as he always had. His upper half was rigid and unmoving, making his movements even more unsettling. To your horror, the man head begun to reach out and that was when you snapped out of your frozen state. "Ridiculous!" You cried out. The man reeled back and his hat grew in size. It became to big for his head and covered his face. The man swiped at the air, unable to see. The scene gradually became amusing as suddenly the lack of vision seemed to render the man useless and unable to stay up, falling over himself and unable to stand up straight as though he had completely lost his balance. You felt relief rush through you as a few of the class chuckled, including Lupin. "Excellent! Goyle! You next!" 

When class was over you realised the only person your had your next class with was Malfoy himself. You sighed, unable to stop the sinking feeling in your chest at the likelihood that you'd be his next target. Yet Professor Flitwick's class was surprisingly calm, even when you were paired with Malfoy. "Is there a reason you have a stupid look on your face?" Or perhaps it wasn't so peaceful but rather peaceful as it can be around Draco Malfoy. You shook your head. "Just thinking about how we've went from Lupin's class to this class. Dealt with Boggart's and now we're in charms? Seems a little-" "Ridiculous." Draco said flatly. "Charms is pointless. First year stuff. Hardly worthwhile of a whole class in my opinion." You nodded. "Especially after a Boggart." You agreed, it was rather comical how such a light hearted class was unintentionally put after a challenging one. "I thought yours was a dementor." You admitted. Draco scoffed. "Why would I be afraid of a dementor?" You shrugged. "They aren't the most pleasant of creatures. It was a grim reaper right?" Draco said nothing but nodded once, not meeting your eyes. He had a fear of death.  "What was yours?" He asked much to your surprise. "You'll think it's dumb." You warned him. "Of course, I will. It's coming from you. Tell me anyway." Draco responded. "Thanks, Malfoy." You said with sarcasm and Draco's impatient glare told you to get on with it. "I'm prone to nightmares. I don't really get them here but I do at home. I think it's because the house is so old and creepy that my mind goes wild. That man the Boggart turned into has been around for a long as I can remember. He always stood at the dark corners of my room or the foot of my bed. Just a nightmare. I haven't a clue where he came from." You shrugged. Without warning, Draco sneered at his quill rolling it off his desk before reaching for another students quill. Plucking it from their desk like nothing ever happened and began to write in his book. The student beside him looked for his lost quill, noticing the one of the floor and assumed it was his, swiftly swooping down to reach for it. "Did you...did you just take that?" You asked in disbelief. "No, I borrowed it." Draco responded with a slight furrow in his brow. "Yeah right, you totally stole that!" "Are you an idiot? I just told you I borrowed it!" Draco said sharply. "Okay, do you intent to give it back?" Draco didn't respond and you hummed in satisfaction. 

After that it was a matter of convenience for you both to claim you were enemies. Although, it was apparent that you weren't. Whilst not quite friends, hatred wasn't present, even on the days you didn't get on.  It really shouldn't have been much of a surprise that Professor Slughorn paired both you and Draco Malfoy for potions class. Draco sent you an eye roll and a sneer whilst you looked utterly bored by the reaction. You moved to him, of course, because Draco Malfoy didn't move for anybody. 

Slughorn put a piece of paper on the desk in front of you making the two of you lean over the desk. He made it clear that whilst these potions were harmless, "Alihotsy Draught? What's that again?" You furrowed your brow at the paper with the given potion the two of you were to create. "Alihotsy as in the plant." Draco scoffed. "Are you an idiot? It's a potion that causes uncontrollable laughter." "Shame, just when I thought I'd be lucky enough to get a jaw binder spell for you." You responded pointedly. Draco scoffed again. "You should know better than speak that way to your superiors." You turned to stare at him in the eye. "Do you really want to play that game right now?" Draco ignored that question. "You're wasting time. The sooner we do this the more decent potions we'll make in the future...more useful ones. Also we're testing this on you." "Me!? Why me!?" "Because I said so." Draco left no room to argue. "I’ll cut this. What does it say to do next?" 

When the potion was done, there was a sweet aroma that came off of it. A smell that reminded of sweets and oddly enough childhood. Although you couldn't pinpoint just what made such a description come to mind. It was a purple bubbling liquid with an opaque purple smoke rising from the small cauldron. You grimaced, knowing you'd have to drink it. Whilst it wouldn't be the worst outcome if the potion was correct, if it was wrong then who knew what would happen. You generally just didn't want to be on the receiving end of potions. Draco handed you a small vial of the potion of which you were reluctant to accept but did so. Suddenly a different smell intruded into your nostrils. You felt very dizzy suddenly. You swayed slightly and immediately Draco steadied you with one hand, covering his nose and mouth with the other. "Blaise! Get that away!" Blaise looked up at the two of you before pulling the potion further from the two of you. "Don't think we should have used that much-" You didn't catch the rest of what Blaise said to Crabbe as Draco tugged you firmly. "Hey, are you okay?" You nodded, blinking past the now fading dizziness. "Yeah. Sorry, I don't know what happened." "It's their potion." Draco nodded towards Crabbe and Blaise. "Are you going to faint?" You shook your head. "No, no, I'm fine now." You looked down at the vial in your hand once more. "It's a small amount so it shouldn't last very long." Draco said. Although you were unsure if he was informing you or trying to subtly make you feel better as your unease was very clear. You sighed. "I hate potions." You mumbled to yourself before tipping back the vial into your mouth. 

It was as sweet as it smelled. Not the most unpleasant tastes by definitely too much if in larger amounts. If anyone were to drink it, it would not be on it's own. You hummed slightly with a smile. Although you had no idea why. Gradually, you had begun to giggle until it was completely uncontrolled laughter. It was safe to say the potion worked. Professor Slughorn strode up to your table, double checking the potion you had created. "Ah, I see your efforts have been a success!! Excellent work you two!" He praised both you and Draco. Whilst Draco would have usually felt pride in the praise, something else had him distracted. Or at least, that was until you were crouched down, clothing the desk in hysterical laughter. Slughorn seemed to somewhat have sympathy despite his own poorly hidden amusement at your state. "What are you doing!?" Draco asked, looking at you now on the floor. You couldn't stop laughing long enough to tell him coherently that you couldn't stop laughing and it was really beginning to hurt.  "Have this, it'll clear the effects within moments." Professor Slughorn handed Draco the small vial, nodding towards you as he figured it highly unlikely you'd be able to take it yourself. 

Somehow the sight of you was the most uplifting thing Draco had experienced in days. You looked absolutely ridiculous and your laughter was more contagious than he'd have liked to have admit. "Don't...laugh...at me!" You said in breathless laughter which only made Draco chuckle a little more. "I can't help it." Draco crouched down. "Stay still! How am I supposed to give you this whilst you squirm around like that!" Even then, he couldn't be completely annoyed at you. He was certain you didn't even realise that you had made him laugh. Something he very much needed as of late. "Swallow it! Swallow it! If you spit that out, you'll be stuck like this." Draco said hurriedly.  Eventually you were able to and as assured, your laughter subsided, leaving you coughing. You took a breath, giving him a small smile. Draco smirked although his stare in you remained, lingering longer than usual. 

Draco seemed to grow more hostile yet isolated. His group of friends always behind him as usual but you couldn’t help but notice that it took him longer to notice them. Furthermore, it seemed more difficult for his friends to retain his attention. You noticed but didn’t ask. Not that you had high chances of a response. It seemed better to think that unless Draco approached you, keep out of his way. You got on with him better than your other friends did. 

As the year continued, it seemed Slughorn was more interested in Hermione, Harry and Ron. As a matter of fact, it seemed the three grew closer, the more Harry grew suspicious that Draco was a death eater, the more Hermione and Ron seemed to develop a tension between them. You weren’t oblivious to the tension, even if they were. It was no big surprise that the two liked each other. You figured it was only a matter of time before they realised. Whilst they were at Slughorn’s get together - an invite you didn’t receive- you were asked to deliver a book from Professor McGonagall. Once you had done so, you were eager to get back to your dorm, not wanting to be caught wandering the halls. 

As fate might have it, you nearly collided into both Draco Malfoy and Professor Snape as you turned a corner. Luckily you halted before you could walk into the two. You couldn’t help but notice how alarmed the two looked but before you could think anything of it Professor Snape spoke up.  “What do you think you are doing wandering the halls at this hour?” Snape demanded icily.  “I-I’m sorry, Professor.” You said hurriedly. “Professor McGonagall asked that I return a book for her. She permitted me specifically. I was on my way back to my dorm now.” Snape eyed you with skepticism. “I trust you two can both find your way back to your appropriate dorms without delay.” Snape said somewhat dryly before turning on his heel and marching back down the hall, leaving both you and Draco. 

You exhaled as soon as he was out of earshot. “I thought he was about to rip my head off.” Draco seemed to lightly smirk at your statement. “He probably would have, if it wasn’t for that.” Draco gestured behind him.  “You were at Slughorn’s party?” You raised an eyebrow as the two of you began to walk in the opposite direction.  “No!” Draco said with disgust. “I was crashing it.”  “Why?” You asked unable to hold back a smile. “I wanted to know what all the fuss was about.” He replied.  “Well? Are we missing out?” You asked. Draco scoffed. “We’re the lucky ones.” Draco did a double take. ”Weren’t you invited?” It was his turn to ask. You shook your head. “No. Too pureblood to even dream of getting an invite.” You gave him a playful smile.  “Disgusting...” Draco said to himself, thinking of the group that were in attendance.  “You look great though.”  “Thanks.” Draco smirked. 

You did a double take when you found Draco, alone, reading a book. You hurried up to him. “Hey, can I sit with you? I promise I wont bother you.” Draco’s gaze lifting to you. He rolled his eyes. “Fine. What’s up with you?”  “I’m hiding from Harry, Ron and Hermione.”  “Finally seeing how pathetic they are? Come to your senses?” You sent Draco an unimpressed look. “Ron took a love potion when he and Lavender were previously all over each other. I don’t even want to talk about that. If i have to hear “Ron-Ron” one more time i will hunt own a dementor and make it kill me.” Draco couldn’t help but chuckle but continued to listen to your rant.  “Hermione is almost heart broken and Harry wasn’t quick enough to the idea i had. Run like hell and hope it all blows over.” Draco crinkled his nose in disgust. “Weasley under a love potion?”  “It’s weird.” You responded. Draco paused. “Lavender who?”  “Lavender Brown.” You responded.  “Oh...her.” He said and you nodded slowly in slight dismay.  “I mean, get me some fire whiskey and maybe i could stomach it a little longer but I beg of you don’t make me go back there.” Draco chuckled. “I won’t.” He leaned into your side slightly. “Who was the love potion for?”  “Harry.” You said flatly.  “From who?”  “Romilda Vane.”  Draco burst out laughing.  “Draco, shush! I’m not even supposed to tell you this!”  “Tell me more!” Draco laughed.  

You shook your head at him in disapproval but the smile was still clear on your face. The atmosphere surprisingly light and peaceful considering who you were spending time with. "How have you been?" You asked. His smile faltered slightly. "I've been fine. Busy." You nodded. "Yeah, I haven't seen you around as much. Dare I say it, it's weird without you." Draco smirked. "Miss me?" "I wouldn't go that far." You smirked back before you let out a laugh. The two of you stared into each other's eyes. You forgot the world in that moment. It was just you and him in the peaceful quiet...and he didn't even think to ruin it which was always a plus. It was also short lived in the end. Whilst the time with him had you convinced that perhaps you could consider him a friend. You couldn't help the slight flutter in your chest from seeing this side to Draco. A much preferable one. 

The next time you saw him, he was hurrying around the corner and nearly collided into you. Before you said anything, you noticed that Draco was most certainly not okay. Immediately, you were worried and jumped into action. Draco looked ill, his face pale but his eyes wide in terror. "Are you okay?" You asked him caught off guard. His breathing quickened, not far from hyperventilating. "Hey. Hey. What's wrong? Come with me right?" You grabbed Draco by the wrist pulling him along. You knew something was very wrong as he allowed it without even as much of a protest or sly comment. You left him to a quiet and peaceful part of the castle. "Here, take a breath." You said rubbing his upper arms and looked into his eyes for any sign of pain or injury. Draco swallowed hard, trembling slightly. "Look at me." You coaxed him. "You are okay. Just breathe for a second yeah? Are you hurt?"  After meeting your gaze, Draco shook his head. You visibly looked relieved. "Okay, good. Now deep breaths. Take your time. No one can see you here." 

Any other time, Draco would have taken your kindness as insufferable but now, now he was more than thankful for it. Even if he didn't really want to be around anyone. Regardless it surprised him to see you so concerned when usually you could be dismissive of him, even send him a piercing glare when he made comments about you, Harry, Hermione and Ron. 

You were even more thrown off guard when tears slid down his face silently. "Hey. What's wrong? What do you need?" Draco wasn't sure what he needed. Ideally an escape from his task that the Dark Lord had given him. Some reassurance that he wasn't a terrible person for what he had just done to Katie. He didn't know what he needed and yet in his silence you seemed to have an idea. You pulled him into a hug. A hug hadn't been something Draco considered would help yet much to his surprise, your hold on him was very comforting. Much to your own surprise, you felt Draco's trembling arms hug you back. You held him tightly. 

"You're going to be fine." You said to him quietly. "Whatever is going on, you'll pull through." You stayed like that for roughly five minutes. Suddenly, he abruptly pulled back, wiping his eyes. "Not one word of this, (L/N)." You heard Draco grumble, refusing to meet your eyes before storming off. You didn't follow. Only watching him go in concern and confusion. 

Later, you heard that Harry and Draco had gotten into a fight. Harry told you what he had done. Everything happening so fast that he hadn't realised what was happening until it had happened. You demanded to know where he got such a spell, at the very same time Hermione did. Suddenly the book Harry clutched and kept with him at all times didn't seem so much as a cheat sheet- it was a weapon. "For enemies?" You ground out as you stared at Harry. "I didn't know what it did and he attacked me! I'm not proud of it, I just don't understand what that kind of spell is doing in there!" "Listen, I get where you're coming from. You've had your suspicions of Malfoy and its not like you were best buds from the beginning but do you really want to be the person who fires off dangerous spells like that?" You said. 

It was true, whilst you were furious Harry had done it and the stupidity it took to use a spell that you didn't know what it did, you understood Harry's predicament. Much like many situations, everyone could regret what they did in hindsight. 

"No! Of course not." Harry said rubbing his forehead in stress. "You're sure? That Malfoy did that to Katie?" You asked him. "I think his response confirmed it." Harry said flatly. You nodded. "Okay." You hugged him. "I'm not going to give you hell over something I already know you're putting yourself through. 

At seven in the evening, you waited outside the Slytherin common room. You couldn't just walk in and since you hadn't seen Draco, it was likely he was inside. Much to your relief, Blaise was heading back to the common room. "Zabini!" You called out, stopping him in his tracks and he turned to you. He looked confused as to why you were around and even more so why you wanted him. You gestured for him to come over and almost reluctantly he did. As though you were playing a trick on him. "If you see Draco in there, can you tell him that I'm looking for him? I need to talk to him." You asked. Blaise looked unconvinced, uncertain why a friend of Harry Potter would want to speak to Draco Malfoy. "Please." You said quietly with a pleading look. He exhaled, a war clearly in his mind as he turned away and headed into the Slytherin common room. There was a chance both Zabini and Malfoy would ignore you but you stayed put on the chances that Blaise would tell Draco and Draco would come out and see you. 

Five minutes later you Draco emerged, looking around and locking eyes with you. He looked fine, tired if anything but seemed to be completely unharmed. "What?" He asked sharply. "Move over here so no one over hears." You said cautiously, eyeing the Slytherin students passing the two of you. Draco looked almost impatient as he tugged you further down the hall and out of prying ear shot. "What?" He asked pointedly. "I heard what happened today. Harry told me things and-" "Potter must be relishing the victory but he'll get what's coming to him!" Draco snapped. "Draco, I know about Katie. Harry told me." You said quickly. Draco didn't seem surprised, annoyed if anything. "Of course he did, but neither of you know a damn thing." Draco sneered. "Draco, stop. I'm not here to pick a fight. I'm here to ask if you're okay." You responded and this time a flicker of surprise flashed in his eyes, his rigid composure had begun to relax. "You what?" "Harry hurt you." You said softly. "He hurt you bad and I had to come by and see if you were okay." Draco relaxed, taking a breath. "I'm fine. Tired but I'm fine." "Was that why you were upset earlier?" You whispered. "Because of Katie...?" Draco swallowed hard, looking down momentarily and you knew the answer immediately. "Draco, I don't know what's going on at home and I don't want to make assumptions about you. Believe it or not. I just want you to know that...regardless of everything, I consider you a friend and I'm here for you." Draco tried his best to remain composed and was mostly successful if it wasn't completely obvious that is what he was trying to do. "I can't tell you what the truth is or what's a lie but thanks for being there for me. As weird as it is." You cracked a smile. "Glad it's both of us that find this weird." Draco gave you a small smile in response. "You're a good friend, (Y/N)." He said quietly. "I mean it, I'm here for you." You assured him. "I'm just glad to hear you're okay. Did Madame Pomfrey heal you?" "I can't tell you." He said quietly. You nodded. "Fair enough, it doesn't matter. As long as you're okay... I'll leave you alone now." You took a step back. Draco nodded. "Don't let Filch catch you. Go back to your dorm." He smirked slightly. "Draco Malfoy, do not manifest Filch on me!" You called back. 

You had no idea what was coming, the Great Hall was destroyed and you just so happened to be out of the dorms. A cold tight grip grabbed your hand. Draco quickly dragged you down the corridors wearing all black, no longer wearing his uniform. "Draco? What's going on!?" "You can't be here! Not now!" Draco said hurriedly. "What do you mean?" You asked. He eventually took you to Crabbe and Goyle. "Malfoy? What the hell?" Crabbe began but Draco cut him off. "Take them to Gryffindor commons, if you don't, I'll crucio you into next week!" Before the two could comply you spoke up again. "Draco, what is it!?" You asked hurriedly. He stared into your eyes. "Were you really my friend?" Draco asked. You nodded, fear in your eyes. You grew more frightened, the more he dodged the question. Draco said nothing more. Sending a pointed look to Crabbe and Goyle. Immediately after that he watched you go, with a lingering stare. 

You only saw Draco a handful of times after that. He didn't return that year, neither did Hermione, Harry and Ron. It made you very lonely, although Neville and Luna were quick to change that. Perhaps it was easier to think that Draco was just a friend back then. Although the time without him told you otherwise. Those lingering looks always resonated with you after he had gone. Friends don't look at each other for that long, do they? Ironically, it was easier to forget your feelings when he was around. When he wasn't, you missed him and thought of him constantly. By the time you had acknowledged your feelings for Draco Malfoy, it had been too late. You never stopped believing that Draco wasn’t the cruel death eater he was ‘destined’ to be. You saw more of him and were determined to see that through to the end.

Perhaps it would have been easier for Draco to see you again after all of these years if he hadn't found your lifeless body back in the Battle of Hogwarts. Perhaps he couldn't stomach looking at you knowing that you never made it out that day of the battle. Although nevertheless you smiled at him from across the platform. If he took anything from it, you wanted him to know his old friend didn't blame him one bit. 

Draco sprinted towards your lifeless body, falling to his knees and scooping you up. "(Y/N)!? (Y/N)! It's me!" Draco said hurriedly, shaking you lightly. Your wand rolled out of your hand as realisation sunk in. You weren't breathing. Draco shook his head, tears in his eyes. "No! (Y/N), please!" He hugged you to him. "I'm so sorry." He cried before tearing himself from you and running off. 

Draco looked up from his son and wife to the place you stood. Your pleasant smile still in place. A man walked past you and by the time he was out of his line of sight between you both, you were gone. No evidence you had ever been there. Harry, Hermione and Ron didn't seem to catch sight of you even once. He gave a small smile to his son as Astoria said her farewells. Whilst at first, seeing you filled with unease, he couldn't help but feel comforted knowing you were okay in the end.

[cognitivefunk]

Misery Loves Company

Fandom: Ikemen Vampire Characters: Dazai x MC Rating: T Warnings: Suicide mention, angst, alcohol Word Count: 2,567

Invariably, the dark is drawn to innocence. Such purity comes along, shining brilliantly, almost too bright to gaze upon in the vast sea of ugliness. But just as vibrantly as it shines, it is mournfully temporary in this diseased world. There are those more capable than others of masking the true nature that hides beneath the surface. The nature that bubbles and seethes, corrupting and tainting the heart and the mind with its poison, always inches away from coming straight to the surface.

In essence, it’s like cramming a puzzle piece into place. But when it doesn’t belong to the same set of pieces, it only creates the illusion of assimilation. In truth, to show the ugliness of one’s heart is the quickest method of ousting one’s self. The outcast, the other. It’s best to smile and pretend that all is well in the end, for the comfort of others. Because inside is where the weakness lies. The weakness that cannot bear the burden of being seen for what it is. It’s frail, and it’s vulnerable. But it is also passionately destructive.  

A drink to chase away the demons, sleepless nights of cold sweat and shame. It’s a filthy cycle, he would be the first to admit it, but it is a cycle nevertheless. A cycle he found himself in time and time again. Sip by sip, his thoughts become muddied, a temporary peace to lay the demons at rest. The burn of the liquor on his throat was a reminder of his sin. In the morning, it would be followed with the ardent sorrow that consumed every inch of him. He didn’t deserve the escape, but he was a coward. The guilt was cumulative, and he wondered how much his body and mind could take at times. To die would be a blessing.

To live was a perpetual curse. Moments of fleeting happiness weighed heavy on his heart. At times he still yearned for the chance to feel human. Albeit, maybe it was very fitting to cast his humanity aside when Comte came to him that fateful night. He had never felt human to begin with. A grim smile splayed across his face, as he cradled his head in his hands. To become a monster, is truly poetic. In life he was a leech on the misplaced trust of others. Sweet words, empty promises… He never could follow through. He laughed to himself, a hollow sort of laugh that went through the motion with no semblance of joy to be found. He couldn’t even manage a successful suicide. The last time should have been the last. But then how would he atone? As if his existence could ever be atonement. Thus, for him to live off the life essence of others, made sense to him. He had always done so…

He sighed, unnatural golden eyes lifting toward the window at the sound of pelting rain. He sat there, listless, watching as the water streaked down the windowpane. He envied the water, flowing freely, but it also made the ache in his heart squeeze harder. His limbs felt heavy, and his chest felt tight, but he pushed himself up from his desk to push the window open, to feel the cool droplets kiss his skin. He shuddered at the coldness of the rain and slowly lifted himself out the window. The rain was the only sound outside; it was an otherwise abysmally quiet night. He wandered aimlessly to the garden. The hydrangeas had not yet blossomed yet, but it was fitting. He wasn’t sure if he should be allowed the comfort of their beauty, but he was drawn to them as a sort of lonesome comfort nevertheless.

His body sunk down onto the wet ground, his eyes fixed up at the rain. Each drop that hit his skin reminded him of his existence. He was tangled in the thoughts of wanting to become one with the rain and just wash away, and wanting to face his sins head on and become a better man. He doubted himself capable of the latter. He felt the sting of tears welling in his eyes and he bit them back, closing his eyes and falling back against the paved walkway. He wanted to stay like that for a little while. Just slip into his drunken stupor and float away. That’s it, just float. Don’t think about existing.

With innocence comes ignorance. You had been finishing up with the dishes when you saw movement outside the expansive windows near the dining hall. You almost thought you’d seen a ghost, so you continued on with your work, but something was tugging at your mind to go check. You dried your pruned fingers on the dishtowel before skirting off to your room to grab a sweater and your umbrella. It was raining hard outside, and you didn’t think you would be able to sleep until you determined the source of the “ghost” you had seen.

Your throat felt tight as you swallowed nervously, it was darker than you had realized and you thought about turning back when you saw what looked like a body lying near the garden. For a moment, you wondered if you should go back inside and alert one of the other residents. Your heart quickened in your chest, your thoughts solidifying the ghost theory, but you fought back the fear and inched closer slowly. “Hello?” your voice was dampened by the falling rain, and you hoped the body would move to show you that it wasn’t a corpse. Dazai did not move. He tightened his eyes and furrowed his brow, his solitude intruded on. He was in no condition to wear the mask of the clown, and he chewed on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want you to see him like this. Maybe if I don’t move, she’ll go away.

There was a permeating uneasiness in the air and you decided to try again, “Are you alright?” As you approached the drenched figure his frame came into sight, almost hidden among the budding bushes. “Dazai!” you exclaimed, nearly dropping your umbrella as you ran over to him, dropping to your knees to check on the man. He took a deep breath in, gathering himself before he smiled and opened his eyes. “Toshiko-san, you shouldn’t play outside in the rain, you’ll catch a cold.”

He managed to keep his voice level, but it was quiet and his smile didn’t reach his eyes. You could smell the gin on his breath and you frowned, aiming the umbrella over his face to shield him from the rain. “I could say the same thing about you, it’s cold out tonight, you should go back inside…” Your worry only made the ache in his chest press deeper. Who was he to you for you to show him such unabashed kindness? Or were you like that with everyone? A frown seeped into his façade and he lifted a hand to cup your cheek. It felt cold and slick, leaving an almost slimy sensation but you didn’t flinch.

“Yoshiko-san…you’re too defenseless,” there was an unmistakable sadness in his voice, it was dark and vast, and you could have sworn you were glimpsing into oblivion in that moment. “Go back inside; I just want to be alone for a while.” The corners of his eyes looked wet, but you couldn’t be certain if it was from the rain. For his sake, you would believe it was the rain. You felt like there was a boulder in your stomach, and it twisted your guts as you shook your head.

“I’ll go in if you get out of the rain. I won’t be able to sleep if I know you’re out here,” you tried to reason with him. Your soft hands reached out to pull his Taisho-style kimono closer to his chest and he grabbed your hand, causing you to pause. He didn’t move, and just stayed there like that, staring at your hand and feeling it under his grasp. Your hands were so small, and they were still pruned from washing the dishes. “If you reach for a falling man, he will drag you down with him.”

You wanted to tremble from the cold but you battled against the sensation, not wanting him to think you were shivering because of him. It was from the cold, from the sadness of the situation, but you didn’t want him to think you were afraid of him. You wished you could pull him out of his own head and embrace him in comfort. He was so cold. Even for a vampire, it couldn’t be good for him. “Then I’ll sit here in silence until you’re ready to go in.” You weren’t going to budge. Not when you could see the condition he was in. You wanted to show that you were there to console him.

His eyes were swimming so he shut them again, lifting a heavy hand to cover his face, wanting to just disappear into the ground beneath him. He still hadn’t let go of your hand, and he wasn’t sure if he was seeking your warmth or just wanted to hold onto something so he wouldn’t disappear. I’m a despicable man…

The smell of you was wet with rain, and the heat of your blood was beckoning. He frowned again, groaning against his hand as he let go of yours. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the rain, but he was feeling weak against your tempting light. “You really are too defenseless…” he meant for his words to sound more warning, to have malice to scare you away from him. But they just sounded empty. Empty.

Defeated, he moved his body against his will and sat up, sighing as he faced you. “Will you leave me alone if I go inside?” he asked, searching your face for a sign. What was he searching for? For affirmation? You watched him for a moment, unsure if you should really leave him alone. Your heart was reaching for his. You didn’t realize he had gotten so close until you felt his breath on your lips. His hand was resting on your thigh, as he leaned closer to you.

“If you don’t leave now, I’ll kiss you.” He said it like it was a threat. How could his kiss ever be a threat? Your expression turned confused, and it was that very expression which sealed his decision to claim your lips with his. You could taste the gin on his lips, and he kissed you as though he wanted to engulf you with him. His tongue slipped between your lips and you didn’t fight him when he deepened the kiss, his hands drifting up to cradle your face against his.

He released you, his breaths coming out in puffs. You hadn’t realized you dropped your umbrella until you felt the cold water running down your face, waking you from the trance you were in. Dazai was standing beside you, offering his hand to help you up. He had already grabbed the umbrella, and you shakily took his hand and he helped to pull you to your feet. He was silent as he started to walk back toward the mansion, turning only to make sure you were still under the umbrella and following him. The tension in the air was thick, and you weren’t sure if you should say anything. It was an uncomfortable silence.

When you came to the door, you were the one who ended up opening it, wanting to see him enter the building. He watched you, an unreadable expression crossing his features before masking it over with a placid smile. “After you, Umeko-san” he placed his hand above your head on the door, holding it open as he ushered you inside. He shook the umbrella before closing it, leaving it lean against the entrance of the hall to dry. “I’ll walk you to your room,” you offered and his expression tensed again. He didn’t say no, so you figured it was alright to walk him to his door.

The walk to his room was just as awkward as the walk to the mansion, and you wished you could think of something to say to cut the tension. The both of you stood outside his door and while his hand reached for the handle to go inside, he paused, and glanced back at you. “Goodnight, Kimiko-san”

“Dazai…it’s __” your voice cracked slightly and his expression fell, both in surprise and regret. Normally you let him call you whatever he felt like, but it especially stung after he had stolen that kiss out in the garden. For some reason it made you feel unwanted and a rush of your own painful memories threatened to surface. Dazai played the fool, but he was observant and clever. He could see something flash across your face, and the tears from before threatened to spring back anew.

They say misery loves company. He breathed deeply, “__-san” your name left his lips as a whisper, but it blossomed in your heart and you met his gaze with your own, the familiar desire to be wanted, to be acknowledged written across your face. I am a truly despicable man…

He pressed you against the wall, his nose trailing along your jaw as he breathed in the scent of you. He could taste sorrow on the air, and it reached inside of him, pulling him to you. He wanted to pull back before it was too late. His lips trailed the side of your cheek until they found solace in your lips again. He pressed against the kiss, groaning quietly into your mouth. You felt his tongue against yours once more and it made you shiver. You wrapped your arms around his neck, a silent declaration that his kiss was welcome. When he finally pulled back, your lips were swollen from his kiss, and his eyes were darkened with lust.

He pulled back; his eyes seemed to glow with fervor as he examined your face closely. “Oyasumi, ___-chan” There was something tender in his voice and he gently removed your arms from his neck. He wanted to walk you back to your room, but he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to stop himself if he found himself outside your room right now. He pushed the handle down and opened his door, turning to say one last thing before he exited to his room for the night. “I can’t do this to you, not tonight. Not like this,” he murmured quietly. He was still intoxicated, both on the alcohol and on his own melancholy. He didn’t want to taint you like this. He had to show some restraint for his own sake. Selfish as though it may be.

You cleared your throat and fixed your mussed hair, nodding in response. “Of course…goodnight, Dazai-san” you offered a small smile of your own, for his sake. You were glad to see him retreat back to his room instead of lying outside for the night. As you left for your own room, he leaned against the door of his from the inside, slumping against it until he sank to the floor. He sighed and cradled his head into his hands once more. It ached for now, but tomorrow he would pretend nothing had happened. For her sake.

[indigoire]

It Read-through Chapters One and Two, “After the Flood” and “After the Festival”

Starting off strong with child death! Yaaaay! 

Warning for gore, death, homophobia, hate crimes, sewer clowns, and juvenile humor. 

Explanation of what I’m doing here.

The first chapter is pretty much exactly like the first part of the 2017 movie, with a few very key differences. 

For one, Bill is a few years younger here than he is in the first movie. In the movie the kids are around thirteen or so and they make note of this a couple times. In this Bill is only ten, therefore he’s eleven for the rest of the child half of the novel. Georgie is still only six. 

For another, when Pennywise attacks Georgie he doesn’t drag Georgie into the sewers, and the neighbors respond to his screams almost immediately. It’s outright stated that forty-five seconds after Georgie’s first scream a man named Dave Gardener finds Georgie’s body, already dead, arm torn from its socket. People run outside when they hear the scream, they witness Georgie by the storm drain, they know of the attack. In the movie he’s “gone missing”, largely presumed dead, but here Bill and his family know from the outset that Georgie is dead and died violently at that. There is a mention by King that the town tends to get through terrible events and then pretend they never happened in order to get over them, and I think in the film they made this more overt by having the few neighbors around ignore what happens to Georgie. 

I feel like for the sake of the liveblog I should go over what happens in the book for the unaware, but it almost feels superfluous for this first chapter. Everyone knows Georgie dies at the hands of Pennywise, at the claws of It. Even the book lets it slip very early on that Georgie is slated for death, only a few paragraphs in. 

Let’s rewind and properly explain. The book begins with George Denbrough running after a newspaper boat in the rain. George, or Georgie as he is affectionately called, is the younger brother of Bill Denbrough, one of our main characters, if not the leading man. Bill is sick with the flu, so he can’t go and play with Georgie in the rain, but he builds the kid a paper boat all the same, and seals it with paraffin wax to keep it watertight. A lot of the first chapter is devoted to two things: showing the bond Bill and his brother share, and showing that Georgie is already somewhat aware of It’s presence. 

Bill sends Georgie down to the cellar to get the wax, and Georgie goes, but with extreme trepidation. He pictures monsters waiting to snatch him up in the cellar, and King here goes in depth into the smell of the cellar, a smell of “dirt and wet and long-gone vegetables”, the stink of rot, which is the smell of the monster, “the smell of It, crouched and lurking and ready to spring. A creature which would eat anything but which was especially hungry for boymeat.”

Yep. “Boymeat”. Right up there with “manflesh” in terms of descriptive vocabulary. 

But basically, on some level, Georgie knows there’s something lurking in the dark for him, and he knows it’s a childish fear but he can’t quite shake his instinct. 

Sidenote: there’s a reference to the Turtle fairly early on! Georgie finds a flat can of Turtle wax, and stares at the logo for a good thirty seconds. Which, by the way, probably looked like this: 

Anyways, Georgie finds the paraffin wax and runs up the stairs, fearing that something lurking in the dark will grab him by his shirttail and yank him down, but he escapes and goes to give the wax to Bill. 

Just a personal note here, when I initially tried to read this book some ten years ago I rolled my eyes at the conversation between the two brothers, which I remember distinctly being about buttholes, who was the biggest butthole, etc. I mean, they’re kids, it’s juvenile humor, what ya gonna do. The version I have downloaded here has the kids calling each other “a-holes”. So now I have to wonder if my version got censored somehow. Anyways. Nothing to inspire confidence in the rest of the novel like a conversation about who’s the biggest asshole between kids. 

The brothers do have an oddly tender moment, which they both note is out of character for them, with Georgie kissing Bill’s cheek goodbye and Bill telling him to be careful. It seems like they know instinctively that they’re never going to see each other again. 

Georgie runs out to play with his boat, and he chases it happily through the street until it unfortunately goes down a storm drain. Georgie tries to see if he can get it, but only sees yellow eyes staring back, until said eyes solidify as a clown. Georgie describes the clown as a cross between Bozo the Clown and Clarabell from Howdy Doody (both, for the record, are the most terrifying clowns I’ve ever seen, dear lord), but King notes that if Georgie “had been inhabiting a later year” he would have thought of Ronald McDonald first. 

Just real quick gonna throw these nightmares up on screen for y’all:

Thanks, I hate it. 

Here Pennywise introduces himself as Mr Bob Gray, also known as Pennywise the Dancing Clown, so right off the bat there’s some differences. Georgie asks himself how he could have seen yellow eyes when Pennywise’s eyes are a “bright, dancing blue” like his mother’s or Bill’s eyes. 

Like the 2017 movie, Pennywise says the storm blew him and the circus into the sewer, and asks Georgie if he can smell the circus. Georgie can indeed, but he does notice the cellar smell lurking underneath, the smell of wet and rot. 

But he ignores it. 

Instead the clown offers him a balloon and Georgie asks “do they float?” 

And the second he reaches his hand out to grab a balloon, Pennywise latches on, Georgie screams, and knows no more. 

“They float,” it growled, “they float, Georgie, and when you’re down here with me, you’ll float, too—”

It’s noted that Georgie watches the clown’s face change, and what he sees destroys his sanity “in one clawing stroke”. 

So really it’s a good thing that he dies a few moments later after It wrenches his arm off. 

Again, Georgie’s body is found within the minute by a neighbor, and other neighbors run over to see what’s going on. 

The chapter ends with a description of the paper boat floating through the sewers of Derry, as Bill’s family is delivered the news and his mother is sedated for shock in the ER, and “perhaps it reached the sea, and sails there forever, like a magic boat in a fairytale”. 

Sweet sentiment. I’m getting all choked up over here. 🙄

So I figured I’d read on to the next chapter, seeing as the first chapter is so short and so well known. 

God, I wished I had left it at one chapter. 

The next chapter is told through a series of interviews with the witness and suspects to the case of the murder of Adrian Mellon. 

It’s a fucking shitshow of a chapter.

It is DEEPLY homophobic. Every word of it. 

This is how we’re introduced to Don Hagarty, partner to Adrian and key witness to his murder: “This man—if you want to call him a man—was wearing lipstick and satin pants so tight you could almost read the wrinkles in his cock.”

COME ON, STEPHEN. 

Now. I know very very well that this book was published in 1986 and America was not kind to queer people in the eighties. I know that King was capturing that homophobia, not necessarily homophobic himself, and that his viewpoints have probably changed. 

That said, reading this chapter was like a punch in the stomach every few sentences. The cops who interrogate the men responsible for the hate crime against Adrian make it clear that they are both disgusted by the attackers and deeply homophobic themselves. They all say at some point “I don’t like fairies, I don’t care for queers, they’re hardly men” in varying forms of intensity. 

I honestly think I blacked this chapter out when I was seventeen, I don’t remember it being like this. Or maybe I didn’t care so much a decade ago, closeted and repressed, and that’s a scary realization. That your own internalized homophobia might have been so pervasive that you don’t see it in others. That it sounds reasonable when a supposedly sympathetic character says he hopes the murdering homophobes get locked up, prison raped, and get AIDS. 

Sigh.

To sum up: Adrian Mellon is attacked while out with his boyfriend, Don. A group of young men, having been teased by Adrian at the Canal Days festival (though Adrian here makes a blowjob joke, not a shitty haircut joke--he’s too good for this book really), claim that they attacked out of “civic pride” because Adrian was wearing a “I ❤️ Derry” hat. One of the attackers tells Don to get out of there, and he screams for help. The attackers push Adrian over the side of the Kissing Bridge. The attacker who saves Don, Chris, sees Pennywise, and so does Don a little bit later, and they tell the cops that interrogate them. The cops dismiss the clown, at first ostensibly because the witnesses are hysterical, but then later in the chapter it’s revealed that the police don’t want the attacker’s lawyers jumping on the clown thing to prove their clients’ innocence. So Pennywise, even having been seen by two witnesses, is left off the record entirely. 

King also reveals the deeply, deeply homophobic sentiment in the town, the violent anti-gay graffiti all over public property, at the Kissing Bridge or in the public park, the people in the town outright ignoring the attack as it’s happening, the fact that the one gay bar in town is home to some very fearful people who just want to keep their heads down. 

So yes, you can extrapolate that the homophobic stuff expressed in the book is to show that Derry is a hateful place where fear festers and so forth...

But King also goes out of his way to emasculate Don Hagarty and Adrian Mellon every chance he gets, effusing about the dramatic makeup they wear, the nail polish, the bright outfits, the campy attitudes. Adrian is described as five-foot-five and slight. Don is described as shrill and dramatic (his BOYFRIEND was just BRUTALLY MURDERED). Meanwhile the homophobes are described as looking like Bruce Springsteen. Like. 

I really feel for Don, I do, despite the book’s best attempts to make him a walking caricature, a huge gay joke. He says Derry’s like “a dead strumpet with maggots squirming out of her cooze”. He calls Derry a sewer. He’s right on both counts.

Well. On that cheerful note, time to wrap this read-through up! Tune in next time for our introduction to Stan (and probably the last time we’ll see grown-up Stan :D). 

Bye for now.

[neverwatchedonepiece]

611-612: "A Small Dragon! Momonosuke Appears!" and "A Deadly Fight in a Blizzard! the Straw Hats vs. the Snow Woman!"

Caesar’s Minion: “Wait... Didn’t Vegapunk leave a man made Devil Fruit here.”

Felt the pace across this pair of episodes was a bit slower. Not a problem, though, because all the loose ends must be tied up. To to this, all plot threads must be lovingly prepared and set in place before the final, arc-ending knot is tied.

So far, Oda’s been great at that, so I’m not worried. Even if some threads are left loose, they’ll just be woven into a future plot because he planned it that way. At least Momonosuke, the last outstanding plot point, has finally wound his way onto the stage. All that remains are those elusive sea prism stone cuffs.

But there was one Huge Reveal here...

MAN MADE DEVIL FRUITS.

THEY ARE A THING.

WTF?

Your Dad Talked Through His Farts

I loved this weird little meeting between Luffy and Momonosuke.

Luffy worked on his past experience with talking dragons on Punk Hazard. First, he thought  Momonosuke would be edible (nooooooooo!) Then, he figured the child’s voice was coming from someone who was stuck on the dragon’s body and maybe Momonosuke was talking with his farts.

“How rude!”  Momonosuke seethed. These samurai are very proper people, Luffy. Gotta show some class around them, I guess.

Then little  Momonosuke’s tummy rumbled and Luffy realised the dragon kid was starving. That was sad. Instant empathy for dragon child right there.

But Momonosuke was a samurai child. They did not get hungry after only ten days of fasting. (Only ten.)  He asked who Luffy was and why he was there. When Luffy introduced himself, Momonosuke didn’t think he could be a pirate, as pirates were “all big, heavyweight men. More violent and strong-looking.”

I guess he is from an isolated island and has never seen Buggy the Clown and Galdino: the Dream Team.

Once they talked a bit more, Momonosuke said he wanted to get out of the garbage dump to help save the kids trapped in the labs. Why? He overheard Caesar saying something shocking.

On the kidnap ship bound for Punk Hazard, the other kids tried to make friends with shadowy Momonosuke. But he was a samurai type and didn’t appreciate their attempts to “give alms”. Crucially, this meant Momonosuke did not take any of the candy Caesar and Monet offered. (Nice one, Momonosuke.) In fact, he escaped and wandered the lab corridors, looking for an exit, because he had something he needed to do in his home land.

He happened to wander into the Secret Room (that everyone knows about, lol). Starving, he spotted a suspicious looking fruit in a glass cabinet. He took one look at it, smashed the glass and scoffed the fruit.

I knew it was a Devil Fruit. It was purple and had those spots on it. But I was not prepared for what Caesar’s minions would reveal.  It was a Man Made Devi Fruit constructed by none other than Vegapunk himself! The minions heard it was a failure. Obviously, that wasn’t the case, as Momonosuke morphed into a dragon, freaked out and scarpered. Maybe like Caesar’s drug, the man made DFs only work on kids? Or Caesar was lying about the fruit being a failure (seems more likely, knowing Caesar).

But... this is huge.

Man made Devil Fruits. This could turn the whole power structure of the OPverse upside down. Rich pirates could demand and receive whatever power they want. Hell, the WG could have whatever power they wanted at their disposal.

I imagine a man made Devil Fruit could go pretty wrong too. Maybe some wicked side-effects.

Caesar has some world-shattering stuff in that lab. Now I get why he has such a great booze collection. He’s probably swimming in cash from Doflamingo, who is the one who’s managed to secure his services.

And now I know what you guys were talking about when you said to look at the texture of the fruits.  Momonosuke’s man made fruit was SMOOTH. The true Devil Fruit, the one Smiley had eaten, was swirly and textured.

Luffy listened to Momonosuke’s fruit tale and was like, “You’re a Zoan type. Why don’t you just change back?”

Momonosuke didn’t know he could do that. (Maybe he can’t with the man made type?) Still, it wasn’t a priority. He had to get out to tell the other kids what he’d heard.

Caesar Makes People So Angry They Morph Into Popeye

As Momonosuke was skulking about in his new dragon form, he walked past an open door and heart Caesar and Monet talking. 

“We have another group of obedient kids. The others are growing bigger without problem. But after all, this is an experiment to see the limitations of drug dosing. I don’t think they can take it that long. I assume they’ll all be dead in five years.”

“So we’ll need more kids?” Monet asked.

“Well, experiments come with failures. It’s a necessary sacrifice. Those stupid kids can help the world’s greatest scientist and do good for the world. Even if it’s a short life, they have to be happy with it.”

Holy. Moly.

Those poor kids. It’s lucky Chopper and Nami met them when they did. Hopefully, Chopper will help them get off the drugs and they’ll be well enough to go home. I wonder about the giant kids, though. Will they be giant all their lives? Probably.

Flash forward again and Momonosuke finished his tale. All he wanted to do was save the other kids. He thought Caesar was a doctor but he was a bad man who would let kids die. Momonosuke was on his way to save the kids but fell into the trash heap. It would be a disgrace to his honour as a warrior to not help them.

Luffy’s eyes were shaded. You know when that happens, he is maaaaaaaad.

He decided to climb out of the garbage dump and take Momonosuke with him.

Luckily, he didn’t have to climb anything. Momonosuke had a weird, triggering moment when Luffy said, “Stay with me...” which unleashed a Goku/Monkey style golden cloud power. (Everyone knows from DB and Monkey that you can walk on golden clouds. “Born from an egg on a mountain top. Funkiest Monkey that ever rocked. If you’ve never watched that show, hook yourself up with an episode. It’s hilarious.)

The luck, alas, did not last. Momonosuke came to his senses and they fell back down into the heap. At least Luffy is stretchy, right?

BREAKING NEWS: Caesar Sets Morality Bar Even Lower!

Meanwhile, Caesar had kicked back in his lab, waiting for the bottleneck gas chamber carnage to unfold. Little Mocha was tearing away from the other kids, who wanted to attack her for the candy.

Naturally, she was distraught. The people she had thought were so nice: Caesar and Monet, turned out to be the worst pieces of actual shit ever.

The flashback of Caesar from Mocha’s point of view actually made my jaw drop.

Every time I think, surely Caesar can’t sink any lower? No, it’s not possible.

In true scientist fashion, Caesar continues to push the boundaries of possibility.

Mocha was one of the first kids to be transported to Punk Hazard, including the blonde kid who’s name I forgot. (Sorry, blonde kid.)

Caesar came to meet them personally when they arrived. He ramped up the charm and faux-concern, of course. “I’m glad that you made it! Good to see you. My name is Caesar Clown. Call me Master. (First red flag right there, imo.) You two are a part of my first generation of patients. I’m looking forward to working with you.” Brief interruption for a hug. I cannot believe he even hugged those kids. He is such a SNAAKE. xD  “I bet you were scared and worried when you heard you were sick out of the blue. But everything is okay now. You don’t have to worry about anything. I will treat you at any cost!” (Technically true but, kids, you will not like the treatment.)

Then he dropped the bomb that actually made me gasp.

“To tell you the truth, I lost my only son to this disease. I never want to see another child suffer from it. I don’t want to see another parent lost their child and have to grieve like me! Oh... Oh, I’m sorry. How embarrassing. I shouldn’t cry in front of you.”

I just... 

I can’t even.

I mean, Caesar is a great villain and all, but damn, Oda,  that is low.

The morality bar has not only been lowered. It is buckling under the sheer weight of Caesar’s evilness and will snap at any moment.

Why Has Zoro Not Yet Kicked Ass and Taken Names?

Monet pretty much said what I’m thinking right now. She wasn’t sure she could beat Zoro: a swordsman who uses Armament Haki trained by Dracule Mihawk himself. But for some reason, Zoro hasn’t made a move. All he’s done is parry and protect the other Strawhats.

Then again, it is a dangerous environment with a lot of friendly fire concerns. 

The Biscuit Room has devolved into a freaking riot. There are crack-candy addicted kids charging about. Mocha, the one kid who is off the candy, is an ally, so they need to be extra careful around her. Sure, they’re not in the Biscuit Room any longer, but collateral from the fight could take them out. Sanji and his G5 army of fans have appeared. Nami, Robin and Chopper are still around and have been sealed in the room by Monet’s ice wall. 

Plus, Monet is no slouch. She has some blade skills and a good logia fruit to boot.

Nami could be an asset in this fight. The Heat Egg attack has been the only one that’s really put the hurt on Monet so far. (Zoro, use that haki please.) If Nami could power up a strong heat attack, she could take out Monet.

I loved it when Monet was monologuing, debating with Chopper about her being responsible for the kids. Who planted that rebellious spirit in Mocha’s mind? Then Zoro mercilessly cut her short. He does not respect villain speeches. xD

Monet called out the Strawhats for acting like pirates. “Every day we treat the children nicely and allow them to live in great comfort. What you people are trying to do is take away these treasures from us foster parents. You people are like pirates.”

Laying aside the awful issue of gaslighting children,  experimenting on them and claiming you are anything like a foster parent (that could be an entire post in itself), Zoro’s reply was ice cold and straight to the point.

“So you have no problem with it, right?”

There’s the awesome main-character grey morality again. I really do love that about One Piece. Zoro is like Luffy in that regard. The Strawhats are pirates. They will “kidnap” kids if they have to. Though this time, the Strawhats are on the right side of the moral divide. They’re counter-kidnapping the kids to return them to their parents.

But Zoro had better hurry up and make that move against Monet if he wants it to happen any time soon.

The G5′s Grand Entrance

And I totally was not expecting a comedy gold moment to interrupt a boss battle.

Just as things were getting serious, Zoro heard the sound of Sanji’s voice in the distance. Obviously, this turned Zoro’s head and he was greeted with the sight of Sanji leading a charge of G5 soldiers.

“WHY ARE YOU LEADING THEM?” Zoro yelled.

“Oh, there’s Zoro!” Sanji shouted. “Alright guys, stick out your lower lip and make fun of him.” xD

But Zoro knows Sanji inside out, so he said, “Oi, Nami and Robin went that way.”

Unfortunately, Monet, the feathered siren, proved a distraction. Monet’s flirtatiousness is a big part of her character (she flirted with Law and Luffy for fun). It must be pretty lonely being stuck in Punk Hazard with Caesar, so it made sense that she enjoyed the attention for half a second before getting back to business.

She burned through a couple of fodders with her Ice Form (freezing and biting a chunk out of one’s shoulder was savage).

Then Tashigi made *her* grand entrance.

And she can use haki.

That was a revelation.

She has always been several steps behind Zoro. Teaming up with him to take down a villain might boost her confidence. I sure hope so, anyway.

Meanwhile...

Usopp, Foxfire and Brook (or should I say “Corpse-dono”) are still charging about, hunting for sea prism stone cuffs. Shinokuni gas is now following them, so they’ll be caught up in Caesar’s bottleneck gas chamber plan.

I’m guessing that’s where they’ll find the cuffs. If Tashigi and the G5 also end up there, Usopp could pilfer or borrow some cuffs from her. I’m just assuming captain-level Marines carry cuffs on them here. The fact Usopp willingly initiated a “let’s split up” plan and offered to work alone was pretty brave of him. Usopp definitely has got stronger and more confident in his abilities.

Must also say there was some really nice art in the Smoker vs Vergo short update in episode 611. Not an artist myself, so I don’t tend to notice or be very good at critiquing these sorts of things. But even I noticed the quality this time. Good job, whichever team worked on it. :)

There goes the morality bar again, slip slidin’ right into hell...

[funhaversclub]

At this point anyone who is a Pokemon fan has seen screenshots and sprites from the leaked Pokemon Gold Beta released at Space World 97′... Thank you... Thank you so much... you gave us fans something incredibly special.

(if youre curious you can download it yourself here: https://tcrf.net/Proto:Pok%C3%A9mon_Gold_and_Silver)

Above is a screenshot of the title screen and all the sprites from that demo (in color). I figured I would take this time to go sprite by sprite and analyze them. I’m sure you’ve already watched at least 5 youtube videos and read 100 posts on this BUT here’s my take.

This generation of Pokemon was the second in the series. In the official release, they introduced a lot of pre and post evolutions to Pokemon we had already seen from Red and Blue but from what we’ve seen here it looks like they were ready to cap off a lot more Pokemon evolution lines. So without further adue lets get into Beta Pokemon Gold and Silver: the Missing Links.

(note: I wont mention Pokemon that are the same as their official release or close enough -- ALSO updates to theories with NOTEs)

First we have the grass starters. Whats interesting to note is the secondary evolution. At first this seemed weird but if you think about it, it’s as if the leaf on Chikorita’s head is mid bloom. Then the final evolution is the flower fully bloomed. Also to note is that the second evo could've been used for a future Floette? ALSO note how the beta art below the sprites looks more oddly shaped. Like more of a plant thing than a little creature. This makes the second evo feel a little more natural.

For the fire starters, instead of Cyndaquil we have this fire bear looking creature. It’s looks as if it could burst into flames following the classic fire theme. Below is the beta art we saw years ago and now we get to see where it fits in! 

Then we have the water starters which, just like the fire starters, we have our answer to yet another beta design. Interesting little dragon seals but kind of basic.

Hoothoot is relatively the same only with different patterns on it’s body. As for the evolution, it’s completely different displaying a very sharper and sleeker design.

Like I stated in the intro, this game was all about filling the pre or post evolutions of many Pokemon. This is our first example. It appears to be the pre evoluton to the Vulpix line. 

This has been speculated as the pre and post evo of the Tangela evo line which it very well could be. The pre having one eye showing which evolves into Tangela having 2 eyes. Then into the final evolution having no eyes but a mouth showing... but we will never officially know.

Here we have a complete new Pokemon. You could say it resembles Mantine as it looks like a manta ray BUT there’s something special here. Its underside  shown in the first sprite is all light whilst it’s back is all black with an evil looking face. Could this have been some sort of dark/light type?

Here we have Quilfish’s and it’s evolution. Quilfish looks the same despite there being beta art out there (feature below the sprites) but it’s evolution is brand new. It seems to resemble some sort of goofy sea mine.

Now we have another baby Pokemon. What i can only presume is the first look of the pre evo of Pikachu, Pichu. only here Pichu looks to be more of a cute little ball.

Next on the baby train is the pre Cleffa which I’ll say looks a lot more alien which is great and relates more to the origins of the Pokemon coming from space.

...Igglybuffs beta... kinda the same... just bubblier! yeay!

This is clearly Quagsire BUT with no pre evo. Which seems to be another part of what the game was going to be. Either a pre evo a post evo or something new. I think when Gamefreak redesigned the game for release they got rid of a lot of the babies and added new evos to push the games forward.

Another baby. What looks like a guppy Goldeen. a pre evo to Goldeen. Yet another of the many babies we are going to see.

The beta to Marill which was known at one point as Pikablu. which was also known earlier to at least me and my friends as Pikapink. This is another example beta Pokemon that had never seen the light of day, now getting its time to shine. Below the sprite is that beta art.

These are original new Pokemon. It looks like a small fish that evolves into an anchor shark but just like so many Pokemon when evolved a certain way it could instead of evolving into the anchor shark, evolves into a deep sea eel type. Before the drop of this Gold beta a few early design sprites surfaced. One being the black and white image below the sprites. You can see Game freak was really working on combining an anchor and a shark.

NOTE: It doesn’t look like the deep sea eel is apart of this evolution but still cool.

This is interesting. It looks as though this could be a pre evo to Paras. It looks like a larva breaking out of a mushroom. The idea being that before Paras gets taken over by a mushroom it actually emerges from one in the first place... and the circle of life is complete! Babies!

This is the Spinarak line only with new patterns on the backs of these spider Pokemon. Also featuring new positions.

I could be wrong here... BUT I heard Ditto was supposed to have an evolution. This could be the second stage in Ditto where not only would it be able to transform, mimicking other Pokemon, but it would also maintain it’s aggressive attributes and aggressive demeanor. 

NOTE: Apparently you need a metal coat or metal item to evolve Ditto.

This seems to be an original Pokemon... BUT... Possibly a pre evo to Doduo? It resembles baby birds in a nest with feet which would make sense to Doduo and Dodrio. The body is only hidden by then “nest”

...just Sunflora... but odd... no pre evo. Maybe Game freak was saving all the 2nd round babies for the 3rd generation of Pokemon?

This is great because we get to see Donphan and ALSO it’s pre evo in a new baby form. A softer more bubbly form.

Here we have an original Pokemon that looks like a ghost type but could possibly be a branch off evo of Gastly? Where instead of moving on to haunter it becomes a duel ghost Pokemon? Maybe? who knows...

NOTE: SOOOO this is crazy. I was totally wrong... This thing evolves into Giraffarig! HA! That’s so cool.

This is Giraffarig only in this beta version we see how it’s back end wasn't a strange tail creature but more like the darker version of it’s original head. Dark Pokemon started in gold so maybe this was another half dark type Pokemon?

Next up is most likely the pre evo to Meowth. it’s interesting that it looks like it’s eyes are closed but a third eye where the coin would be is open. There are also 3 coins or bubbles or eyes? above it. Perhaps it was little psychic kitten?

More originals are these cat like Pokemon with little bells on thier tails. They also have a very dark tone. Could this be an alternate to Meowth’s evo line? The dark side?

NOTE: Doesn’t look like this is a Meowth evo...

Polioad was an alternate evo to Poliwrath and we can see here the beta version of what it became. Not as friendly this time around.

Another interesting thing. It seems as if Lediba didn’t have an evolution but maybe an alternate version? Perhaps Gamefreak was leaning into the dark/light versions more than we thought and these were the 2 types versions?

Like Vulpix’s baby evo, it looks as if this could be a ponyta baby. Dawwww... 

This surprised me the most. We finally get to see the spiral Shelder. The version of Shelder we see when it attaches to a slowpokes tail evolving it into a slowbro as seen above... only now... we get to capture just the mean ol’ shell!

NOTE: This is rather interesting... Apparently this isn’t a spiral Shelder BUT Slowking’s Shell/Crown... hmmm...

This confused me at first but thinking about it... this is a baby... a little baby Grimer. People seem to think that it has an open mouth with a tooth but I think it’s a little nubby nose and the white is the shine. 

This is one of the most interesting of the reveals. Remoraid and Octillery were always supposed to be shaped after weaponry, a gun and a tank... welp... here is your proof! The hand gun Remoraid and the tank Octilery. It’s very clear with these sprites. You can see where the bullets would be and the trigger fin on Remeraid. On Octillery you can see it’s tentacles curled up like tank treads and it’s head looks more like the top latch and cannon of a tank.

These are the beta Tyrogue and Hitmontop. In my opinion you can really see a lot more of the relation in Tyrogue to Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan. The pre evo looks like a little fighter in a helmet and gloves, like a basic fighter starting training. As far as Hitmontop’s beta goes it looks a little bizarre... probably for the best they toned it down a bit.

Following along side the rest of the babies... here we have puppy Growlithe! I can see why they ditched some of these though. They are pretty basic and unless the babies had some new abilities I agree they were probably not necessary BUT adorable.

Here we have the beta forms of Hoppip evo line. They’re close to the final version but remind me more of how Digimon were designed.

I’m not certain but I think this is the pre evo to the mr. mime evolution line. A little clown egg :)

Following the baby lines we have the pre evo to jinx...

The beta of Electabuzz... which looks much different...

Magby... who looks a little different.

I’m not quite sure what this is supposed to be but following in line with all the branch off evoltutions I’d have to say this might be if Weepinbell didn’t evolve into Victreebel... but this? I don’t really know but it totally looks like a weird Bellsprout.

NOTE: Apparently this evolves from Weepinbell with Poison Stone! 

Here’s a brand new original Pokemon. Possibly a water/fire type? It looks like a seal that balances a fireball on it’s nose.

Delibird looking a lot more like Santa!

I don’t know if this was supposed to be a different Pikachu but it defiantly looks like an electric mouse Pokemon.

This is one of the more interesting pokemon designs. It looks like the evoluton of Farfetch'd possibly holding a different plant instead of a leek. Or possibly the leek has become part of Farfetch'd? Interesting.

NOTE: Confirmed! 

This is a strange new design. It resembles a voodoo doll Pokemon that evolves into some sort of japanese zombie Pokemon. Can’t wait for the fan art of this guy!

This seems like a new take on Mercorw. Notice there’s no secondary evo along with it’s new design. This just goes along with the idea of pre post or new singular...

I’m a little torn on this. It’s either a pre or post evo of Chansey. It’s size makes me think pre but the double egg sack makes me think post... 

NOTE: Turns out this is the EVOLVED for of Chansey. Pretty cool.

This is an early Scizzor design. It resembles more of Scyther which i think is great. It also seems to look like it’s claws have eyes on them. I think I like this more than the original design

This has to be Pinsor’s early evo. I don’t know if it has no eyes or that’s a small mask on its face? Either way it’s nice to see the early design of Heracross.

Here’s another GREAT original. It looks like a creature wearing another creatures fur which is fantastic! It’s a great design and i’d love to see more of this character.

This is just... bizarre... a toy orb lion? I dunno but i like it!

NOTE: Another WOW moment... this evolves from Porygon with Up-Grade. Makes sense. Upgrading a digital monster to look more “real” I guess. That’s pretty cool.

This has to be an evolution of either Lickitung or a Slowbro somehow. Clearly There’s a huge tongue but the little hat and odd shell hat design makes me think Slowbro... maybe a new shell leads Slowpoke to this form?

NOTE: So it’s defiantly Lickitung’s evo at level 32

I think this is an early Kingdra design. It seems to resembles more of a genuine dragon which is a nice touch.

These are beta designs of the legendary beasts... These are weirdly fantastic like old anime creatures. Not much to say here. Just look at them! Sharp Sassy and Sappy.

I think this Pokemon was replaced by Lugia but more of a small Mew type. Instead of 2 large beasts we have the Mew/Mewtwo dynamic. Or maybe a Mew evolution?...

NOTE: I was very wrong here lol. this is just an early Sneasel design. Makes sense.

This seems to look like Aipom. The monkey with a hand tail but a very early form... I don’t know why it would be so late into the Pokedex though. Is it a legendary? 

...and finally we have the Leafeon beta... it’s different in that its arms and legs look like roots and the body looks like wood resembling a more earth like form. Perhaps this being the last Pokemon means this wouldv’e been a promo give away for a special eevee event? We’ll never know!

That ends our look back through the beta of Pokemon gold. Filling in the gaps of all the missing post and pre evolutions plus new things we’ve never seen!

If this has peaked your interest why not also check out a little game idea I had for a Pokemon that took place before Red Blue and Green. 

http://funhaversclub.tumblr.com/post/48832670099/so-heres-my-little-project-in-lue-of-all-the

http://funhaversclub.tumblr.com/post/49093816290/beta-pokemon-the-starters-of-the-cinnabar

http://funhaversclub.tumblr.com/post/49147031388/to-continue-on-here-are-more-capsule-monsters-you

http://funhaversclub.tumblr.com/post/49391556862/just-like-before-with-every-picture-ive-added

http://funhaversclub.tumblr.com/post/50761038816/got-the-laptop-working-this-is-the-final-post-for

(check out a few articles here!)

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2017 Year in Review

Previous posts: (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011) 

Oh, 2017. I wish I could bottle you up and take sips of you when things in the future get sad and grey. What a wild ride you have been. These posts continue to get longer and more self-indulgent, and I’ll warn you upfront that 2017 will be no exception. I find sometimes that I’ll explain a story from this year to someone and they’ll blink back at me like... what. I find myself thinking that sometimes. 

I have decided to deem 2017 the year of spontaneous recovery. Not without a few setbacks but really, what kind of recovery ever goes smoothly? Certainly not mine. It was more like gradual-and-then-sudden recovery. Simple recovery. Recovery you do not even really notice until you’re far enough removed from what sucked in your life. 2017 has seen me go back to school, work 60-hour weeks to afford a spontaneous Europe trip to spend time with a boy I’d only known for a month, have a threesome, total my car, get an STI (unrelated to the threesome LOL), figure out what I want to do with my career and really go for it, and take the best vacation of my entire life. So without further ado, let’s jump in. 

January 

So January actually really sucked. Something I’ve realized about myself over the course of the entire year is that I deal poorly with change and January was full of it. No school to return to, my contract at Graham came to an end, and I found myself sitting around at home, sleeping in until 11:00am just to wake up and apply for jobs that I did not even want and check my calendar to see if I waitressed that night. The post-graduation slump was the real deal. 

On January 8th, I totalled my Jeep on the way to work. I did hit another vehicle but thankfully everyone was unharmed. I’ve only experienced acute shock like that once before and goddamn this time was just as awful. 0/10 experience, do not recommend. The only upside is that while insurance did their thing, I got to drive what I affectionately referred to as “the clown car” aka a 2016 Mini Cooper that was amazing on gas and had rainbow lights inside. 

In an attempt to fill the void that was my life in January, I started doing intake support at the Calgary Sexual Health Centre as a volunteer. It was in my orientation here that I made the decision to apply for the social work program at the U of C. The facilitator found me on break and asked me if I was a social worker and something clicked. I went home that day, heart racing, and started researching it. I realized - what better way to know what you want to do with your life than to look at how you spend your unpaid time? She’ll never read this but thanks Chelsea, you have no idea the impact that one question had on my little life! 

February 

Another contributor to February’s stress was that my single-job life did not afford me the financial freedom to pay my bills. This was alleviated in February when my restaurant switched from a pooled-tip to an individual tip system and I immediately began making triple the amount in tips (despite being an active resistor to the switch... LOL... I tuned in real quick). Valentine’s Day of this year was one of my favourite shifts serving of my life. They let us dress up so I wore a red dress and lipstick and flower in my hair, carried cinnamon hearts in my pocket and at one time let out a “hell yeah, girl” when a lady requested more garlic bread LOLOL 

Over the long weekend, I went to Kananaskis and stayed in a wilderness hostel for Shelby’s birthday. She’s a good friend now but at the time, Shelby and I were in kind of that peripheral-friend stage. I was super nervous about going since I hardly knew anybody but OMG WHAT AN AMAZING WEEKEND. We skied our faces off, drank Copper Moon pinot noir from a box, played Canadian trivia games, slept in bunk beds and gathered around a bonfire at night. Ali joined me on the second night and ugh I wasn’t even wearing MAKEUP I was just LIVING MY LIFE AND IT WAS SO NICE. 

Okayokay. Now... this might be kind of weird to write in a year in review but February was also the very first time I slept with someone who is not my ex-boyfriend. This is a big deal because it was something I had built up in my mind like crazy... imagining it would be this earth-shattering experience that opened the sexual floodgates. It was not. It was very... normal. I didn’t even tell my friends about it for like ten days (VERY uncharacteristic for me. Usually I get out the metaphorical megaphone and scream it from the rooftops cause I’m so excited). In retrospect though, I do recall slinking back upstairs and running into Sydney in the kitchen. She’s like, “wtf did you sleep downstairs?” I looked back at her... yes... yes that’s exactly what happened... heh so who knows. ANYWAYS. I woke up the next morning feeling literally no different than I had the night before and that is exactly what I needed it to feel like. No big deal. It was important in its complete and total unimportantness. He will never read this but I ended up just shamelessly ghosting this dude after he used the l-o-v-e word WAY too early (another theme of the last like... year and a half) and then he came to my place on my birthday uninvited with a VERY expensive and thoughtful present of a bunch of vinyl records from all of my favourite musicians and I ACCEPTED IT LMAOOOO because I really wanted those fucking records. Wow. I suck. 

March 

We (so, me and my four best friends from Famoso) deemed it “Mellow March” and attempted to forego drinking and fast food for the entire 31 days of the month. Let me go on record to say that none of us made it (I think Alex literally made it one day... but he had a date so we’ll let it slide) but I made it the farthest which was 17 days. 

I was in a super-into-running phase during March and crushed a 5km fun run on St. Patrick’s Day with my family and my brother’s girlfriend. It was -18 degrees and I’m dumb and didn’t warm up nor cool down. The Bluetooth headphones my brother lent me also died 30 seconds into the run from the cold. I NEVER run without music. I was in pain. It was so boring. I suspect this is the incident in which I injured my MCL. The bright side is that it’s technically a personal best, and my mom won her WEIGHT in Village beer. 

OKAY now for the best part of March. FELIX FELIX FELIX. Felix is a German boy. He was nearing the end of a year-long working holiday visa trip through Canada when I met him at a bar the night I broke Mellow March (which I almost didn’t go to... so moral of the story: ALWAYS go!). I think a total of one hour elapsed from the time I met him to us being in a taxi on the way back to my house. I’m not sure if it was the German accent, the copious amounts of happy hour drinks Mikaela and I had consumed prior to the bar, or his whole carefree-traveler thing that sealed the deal - probably a combination of all three - but I felt ZERO apprehension about the whole thing and it was an amazing and unexpected night. I went to brunch the next morning in the previous night’s makeup, still tipsy and totally elated to share with my friends the adventures of the night before. I took him on a date where I picked him up at his hostel and we drove to Lake Louise and Moraine Lake and talked about everything and shared music. It’s a cool experience to be able to show someone those places for the first time. We came back to my house and made dinner and he taught me how to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC on guitar. Your girl was smitten. 

April 

April was Felix-crazy month. Seriously. I should take a moment here to thank my former roommates for being so cool about him staying over so much in between his trips. You guys rock. :’) 

April is also my birthday month!!! Felix was in Banff but he took a greyhound to Calgary to spend the day with me. He had flowers and Sea Cider and I was basically just heart-eyes emoji’ing the whole damn day. We rented an Airbnb for the night on the top floor of this beautiful condo building in downtown Calgary, drank champagne, got tacos, and watched the sunset over the skyline. Felix told me it was the best day of his entire Canada trip and it was definitely a day I’ll always remember. Later on the weekend, my brother and I had a joint party which was so much FUNNNNNN we got up on the couch and made a toast and they played “All the Small Things” by Blink 182 just so everyone could yell “NOBODY LIKES YOU WHEN YOU’RE 23″ at me. Tres bien. 

Aaaand then Felix left on the 20th. I drove him to the airport and I’m telling you... it was sad. It honestly felt like a breakup except there was no fight or conflict that ended things it was just like... you live in another part of the world. We have to say bye and we don’t want to and this really sucks. We BOTH cried and for the following week I was just an abysmal shell of a human being. True to form, I could not handle the fact that I’d never see him again and so six days after he left I booked my flight to visit him with NO idea how I was going to afford it. 

May 

Okay May also sucked. The only good part of May was that I received my formal acceptance to the social work program. 

The rest of the month was spent at work. That is not an exaggeration. I picked up a second job hostessing at this restaurant in my city located within a trendy hotel with a pool patio. At first, I was super excited to be working there because it was fun and a relatively easy job, I had a mild crush on one of my coworkers, and I really needed the money. Then reality set in. This place aims to be a cool, collected place for Calgary’s rich and famous to sip cocktails by the pool and mingle. Unfortunately for this establishment, the people who actually showed up are basically Calgary’s own Jersey Shore. Tans, fake boobs, tribal tattoos, oil-rig money, thong bikinis, cocaine, and $800 bar tabs are what we got. The job went from hostess to nightclub bouncer as soon as the sun was out. It didn’t matter what day of the week it was... these animals would show up at 11:00am on a Monday and be cannon-balling into the pool by 12:45pm having consumed 30oz of our finest rum. I’d work every day there and then hightail it to Famoso to work another 5-8 hours. I was fucking miserable and my only solace was Skyping Felix every morning before I left. 

June 

The first half of June was exactly like May until the 16th. I was finally free on vacation. I literally took my heels off and ran barefoot down the street to my car after being dismissed from work on the 15th, nearly crying of excitement that I wouldn’t have to return for three weeks. 

The first stop was Stacey and Mike’s wedding at the Burrowing Owl winery in Osoyoos, BC. I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A WEDDING BEFORE AS AN ADULT and this one was in BEAUTIFUL SUNNY OSOYOOS and had an open bar and I was with my best friends. Some remarks: 

Alex and I got ready and were lookin’ super fancy and I needed hairspray so we drove to Shopper’s and when we got out of the car, a lady on the street remarked to her friend, “Oh my god, what a beautiful couple.” We just... our egos soared... we laughed about it the whole day. 

Getting a taxi in Osoyoos is among the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. 

I cried at the ceremony because I am sucker. 

Stacey’s family drama totally enveloped the wedding and I have to admit - her mother was such a total b*tch to us and CLEARLY did not want us at the wedding (what kind of person doesn’t want the brides FRIENDS at the wedding???? honestly) and it made us feel awkward. 

My favourite part of the whole night (aside from the DANK charcuterie board that emerged at the midnight buffet... my god... I almost passed out I was so happy... that CREAMY gorgonzola... I will dream about it forever) was at the unofficial afterparty which was all of us just chillin’ in our fancy clothes in the penthouse suite of this winery. The newlyweds, us, and some of Stacey’s siblings were on the balcony sipping leftover champagne and everyone else smoked a joint while I consumed about a pound of fresh cheese and meats. 

The 19th was my one day in between Osoyoos and Germany. I invited my friends to go out drinking since I hadn’t seen them in so long. And in a move that none of my friends will ever let me forget, I got wasted... karaoke was put into the mix... and long story short, I missed my 7:22am flight to Germany. In fact, Emma texted me a sweet “have so much fun!” text at 7:45am and that is what woke me up. I cannot even IMAGINE how I looked rolling into the airport... still drunk, Lululemons on inside out and backwards, glasses hanging off of my no-makeup face and full of adrenaline and anxiety. I cried, begged, sat on hold for 1.5 hours and offered some vague explanations about “last night” to the Westjet employees and was put on a later flight for a minor fee of $100. It all worked out and I only made it to Germany three hours later than I was supposed to. 

And so then... Germany. God damn, I really can’t summarize Germany. My friends nicknamed it #IBC2017 (aka: International Booty Call 2017) which is kind of exactly what it was. But oh my god. It feels so weird and cool to arrive in a country you’ve never been before and had no intention of visiting two months prior, and have a local at the airport, with flowers, to pick you up. And to BE that person having that stupid reunion. Felix lives in a fairly small-town part of Germany at the very north, so I spent most of my time there and in other small German towns around it. We also drove to Copenhagen, took a day trip to Malmo, Sweden, and visited some of the larger cities in Germany like Hamburg and Berlin. 

Ugh I can’t summarize. I’m just going to list random memories: 

We drank so much DELICIOUS German beer and ate so much bread (seriously the bread game in Germany is out of this world... I didn’t realize how much better bread could get but... wow)

I ate pastries that looked like Pepe in Copenhagen 

Felix gave me a scar from tripping while holding baked brie cheese that was literally just out of the oven and splashing me with this molten lava cheese on my arm

I rode the Drop of Doom with Felix and his two friends at this city festival in Kiel which was like a baby Stampede kind of without the country theme 

I learned that the German word for pug is “mops” which is also slang for “tits” which resulted in the most hilarious inside joke ever

Felix’s mother told me I had been touched by angels (lmao) and I got to tour the broadcasting station for all of Northern and Central Germany and see a live taping of a nutrition broadcast (in German... but still... pretty cool) 

I HAD A THREESOME IN BERLIN LOLOLOL after a wild night of clubbing. Observations post-threesome: sex without jealousy is POSSIBLE and FUN, I am super straight. Super super SUPER straight. The momentary awkwardness in between certain times was actually kind of endearing and normalizing. We invited her to hang out with us the next day but all of us were literally exhausted and hungover and she escaped into the streets of Berlin never to be seen again. Goodbye sweet German girl.

July 

I was still in Germany for the first week of July. I started to get my work schedule for that horrible job at the hotel and so impulsively I sent a polite but cowardly email to my boss from the Zurich airport notifying them of my resignation. It worked out because it was about 3am Calgary time when I sent it, which I feel added emphasis to the “fuck this job” thing, and I immediately had to board a nine hour flight so I couldn’t check my phone every five minutes for a response. 

Leaving Germany was not as sad as when Felix left Canada. I love my life in Canada and despite a brief moment at the airport where I considered just... not... returning... I soon came to my senses lmao and boarded the plane. And now I’m left with some Polaroid pictures, a few extra stamps in my passport, a beautiful handwritten letter and a million hilarious memories and the knowledge of how to say “i like big tits/pugs” in German. 

The rest of July was just work work work work work. And Stampede. I have to give props to Steven here for going out every. single. night. Where do you get this kind of stamina??? This kind of money???? Dear god. Another good friend of mine had a threesome with two pilots she met at the Cowboys tent this year. Not really a part of MY year but worth a mention nonetheless. The texts in the group chat the next morning... legendary. 

The end of July was also when I moved out of the Brenthood house. There are definitely reasons why they say not to live with your best friends but honestly???? I loved that house in a weird way. I do miss seeing my old roommates every day and having moments like when Emma texted her ex “Good night.” because he wasn’t responding to her (it was like 8pm) and he immediately... and I do mean IMMEDIATELY called her. O m g we were howling with laughter. Brenthood may have been dank and cold but it was also super fun. Miss you, my old bad bois/roommates <3 

August 

AUGUST SUCKED. AUGUST WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. I worked SO much and the only bright side was that I was able to pay off my entire Europe trip in cash by the first two weeks due to that sweet sweet patio-serving tip money. 

Mostly August sucked because I got chlamydia. Yep. Well, technically the chlamydia was acquired in June. But I became aware of its existence on the very first day of August. The infection itself is no big deal. It’s curable, my symptoms were very minimal, and it was really more of an inconvenience than anything else. The drugs they gave me though... oh my god they made me so violently nauseous and I literally felt my insides cramping. ZERO OUT OF TEN EXPERIENCE. NEGATIVE TEN OUT OF TEN. Would NOT recommend. The circumstances surrounding how I acquired chlamydia is what made August sucks so bad though. They sent me tumbling down into a dark place where I really do not spend much time anymore. I was very very sad. There is something to be said for really bad things happening every single time you see a certain person. Like, how many signs can the universe give you? How many ways does someone have to prove to you they are a piece of shit before you finally realize it? Apparently chlamydia will do the trick!!! 

I’m not sure if any of you have ever had an STI but in Alberta they have a very detailed record-keeping system as far as testing and treatment. So when I went through this process myself I learned that the person who gave me the STI had weeks to tell me and never did. They’d been tested and treated before I even got the call from a random nurse. I’m not sure if they were hoping I wouldn’t be able to narrow it down or whatever their motives were... but it feels pretty shitty to know that someone you trusted to wear a condom if necessary didn’t even care enough about you to let you know about an STI themselves. I felt gross and sad and ashamed to be dealing with the same old shit. 

Aaand lastly Steven moved away to Burnaby for grad school. Due to the aforementioned antibiotics I couldn’t even get drunk at his going away party which is a shame because lawd knows the man went buck wild that night. But in addition to being very proud of him it was like really sad because it signalled the beginning of the inevitable MASS MIGRATION of people I know to other places and things. 

September 

The next few months will be short and boring because I started school in September which began to encompass most of my time and energy aside from Famoso. August took a toll on me and I started school kind of burnt out, to be honest. I basically sat in class with my laptop and was antisocial and introverted. 

September was also cool because I started my involvement with the Consent Awareness and Sexual Education club. I love CASE, I love everyone IN CASE, and being a part of it has been a huge part of why I love school so much thus far. 

October 

On October 1st, I moved back out into an apartment near my workplace with a new roommate. Though much smaller than my old place, it’s more secure, I have my own bathroom, and the smallness of the apartment motivates me to spend less time there. I can also bike to work in the summertime!!! Very excited about this. I also no longer have to worry about utility bills because my rent is at a fixed rate. God bless America. 

I WENT ON A BLIND DATE. This is in all capitals and is being included because previously I would never have fucking dreamed I would be game to do this and the fact that I did is a testament to INCREASING SELF CONFIDENCE AND PERSONAL GROWTH. My best friend started dating this lovely guy and it was her who set up this double-date with one of her boyfriend’s friends. My date also had zero social media so I legit knew nothing about this man. They took us to a jazz show in Inglewood and then to Cold Garden for beer. And I ended up at his place. The details of the end to this night are fuzzy but I do remember crouching down to look at what he had on his bookshelf and seeing some Malcolm Gladwell. And I asked him some questions about it lmao and he had actually read them. And hilariously when he drove me home to my apartment the next morning I forgot to ask for his number so I just hopped out of his truck and went inside LMAOOOOO. It’s okay. He wasn’t weird enough for me. I mean that sincerely. He was too normal. I was like.. in any other scenario this guy would probably be so annoyed by me. I g2g. 

I came down with a horrible flu on what was supposed to be one of the most fun weekends of the entire semester - the CASE retreat in Banff. We went to a hostel and were undertaking workshops and bonding. We had plans to go to Banff Pride and indulge in a drag show and party party party but holy shit the flu hit me like a ton of bricks and I literally had to call someone to come rescue me in his car and take me home. Seriously tragic. 

November 

Nothing of particular importance happened in November. I just worked and studied.

December 

December december december. A busy month for sure. On the 6th, I drove up to Edmonton to attend a two-day course on responding to disclosures of sexual assault... except they cancelled the training 1.5 hours before it was about to begin. Nothing to do but drive the three hours back. Ho hum. 

I ended my first semester with a 3.9 GPA :) Super pumped about that. 

And of course... Hawaii. Honestly, as I type this, I am still reeling with post-vacation blues because Hawaii was so wonderful and wild that returning to Calgary actually sucked. I went to Honolulu for eight days all by my lonesome which to some seemed like a weird concept. But the last time I traveled solo was to England in 2014 which was possibly the worst experience of my entire life. So at the risk of sounding super lame, Hawaii was somewhat of a chance at reclaiming the big part of me that isn’t afraid to explore. It was a way to challenge my tendency to slip into introvertedness at school and a way to forget about Calgary and be that cool-girl-traveler for a week. 

I’m not sure what it is that happens to me when I’m traveling but I feel like I turn into the best version of myself. I try to be up for anything, I find genuine excitement in meeting new people, I’m not all that worried about how I look. This particular trip was made so wonderful by the people that I met. It was also the first vacation aside from Germany that I’ve taken where I didn’t get my period and didn’t get sick (A+!). But mostly it was the people ;) This cast of characters includes my hostel roommates... Elena from Tuscany (who runs a guesthouse there and said I can stay for free!!!), Mao from China, Rachelle from the states-but-living-in-Aus. And our other friends. Oliver from Denmark, Maurice from the Netherlands, Sebastian from the states. Joe from Australia. Vincent from Montreal. Rachel from Tennessee. I just totally embrace the hostel thing and went with it and it paid off in a major way. I never said “no.” I found myself hiking up to waterfalls with three of the hottest men I have ever met, snorkeling in Hanauma Bay with a super cool Brazilian, hiking Koko Head with possibly one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had while the sun beat relentlessly down on me and 85-year-old Japanese men told me to get out of the way, rolling to the North Shore in a rented car with Oliver listening to rap music and body surfing in waves that were WAY above my skill level. I listened to my roommate have what I described as “powerful sex” from the top bunk... which was hilarious because when I later did the same thing they played the Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex” from Oliver’s stereo to wake me up as payback. 

But there were five of us who spent all of our time together in Hawaii. Rachelle, Maurice, Oliver, Sebastian, and me. Rachelle and I were in room 9 of the hostel and we drank there so often it became known around the hostel as “Club 9″. We partied so hard. WE MADE SO MANY FRIENDS. I walked home by myself from the club, drunk as hell and met a friendly drug dealer who bought me McDonalds and offered to take me for a nice Hawaiian breakfast the next morning. I don’t know how to encompass this trip without just listing random memories, apparently. My favourite night was the last night when I had the best sex of my life on a lifeguard stand on Waikiki beach at 2:00am. Seriously a night I will remember for the rest of my life and the cherry on top of what had already been a bold trip. 

Everyone has different reasons that bring them to a certain place at a certain time. Sometimes it’s just chance and the need for a vacation - like it was for me. But there is something so cool about how a group of people away from their regular selves and lives can form such a unique and hilarious friendship and how traveling brings out such an exciting and welcoming spirit in most people~~~~ Hawaii was the best week of my entire life and I say that with 110% certainty. 

General Things~*~* 

I think I actually figured out what I want to do with my life. Holy shit. And I made some serious progress on making it a reality and setting myself up for the future. Unlike when I was in journalism I actually feel competent. I love social work because it emphasizes the personal connection you bring to your work and your practice and your research. In journalism you always had to quash that somewhat in the protection of objectivity. 

I have made enormous progress this year in regards to relationships and sex and intimacy. I enjoy these things in a much more mature and realistic way and am more confident in myself which has allowed me to be more confident in casual sex in a legitimate and fun and EMPOWERING form of intimacy. 

Ummm. I finally levelled out and gained the permanent separation from my ex-boyfriend (and his family!!!) Not without slipups but I chalk it up nowadays to just anger rather than desiring the relationship back or his attention. Nonetheless - we live totally separate lives now. Fuck yeah. 

2018 

I NEEEEED to keep riding this wave of happy times and general ~life enjoyment~ in 2018. 

I will do the majority of my social work degree over this year including my first practicum placement (which I’ll be interviewing for next month... holy shit) and I am determined to slay it. 

I really want to deepen my participation in all of my volunteer commitments. I don’t think it would be healthy or sane to take on anything new at this point but like I’d like to get formally trained in admin for Dr. Gibbs at the CSHC or something, and move from a crisis de-escalator to an actual counsellor at Kids Help Phone. 

Alex and I are going to motha’ fuckin Thailand at the end of April. After Hawaii, my desire to explore is at an all-time high. I’m looking forward to returning to Asia with a fresh outlook and an awesome travel partner. Let’s hit that full moon party, boys. I’ll also probably go somewhere next December, too. I’m not sure where that will be yet. Early ideas are Belize/Panama/Nicaragua, or Greece/Croatia. 

Other than that, 2018 is an open book, baby!!! I cannot wait. 

[ratherhavetheblues]

INGMAR BERGMAN’S ‘SAWDUST AND TINSEL’ “We’re both stuck, Anne–stuck like hell”

© 2019 by James Clark

     Back in 2011, when (at Wonders in the Dark) I foolishly assumed that Ingmar Bergman was one of a small horde of filmmakers (including, Billy Wilder) after something very new, I was years away from comprehending what he had in store. Over the past year or so, I’ve wakened up a bit, to appreciate the momentousness of the range of his concerns, a range, despite good-will, leaving no impact where it really matters.

A constellation of conundrums of intent began to dawn upon me; and putting in place their dynamic has been quite a ride. But the elusiveness of the innovation has proven to be only slightly recognizable. Therefore, it’s time again to return to Sawdust and Tinsel (1953), which provides remarkable immediacy to those staying the course.

   Whereas oracular figures—in Smiles of a Summer Night (1955), Winter Light(1963) and The Magician (1958)—would afford the thrill of seeing fit to trip up facile enforcement, the balance of power in the narratives remains so weighted against extreme change that understanding would almost absolutely trickle away. Similarly, the mea culpa, in Fanny and Alexander (1982), being brought to bear in terms of “the little world” (and its nagging spoiler, “the big world”), tends to be submerged by the Niagara of sturdy foibles. Then there is the perhaps too vague volcano of acrobatics and juggling, stemming from, The Seventh Seal (1957), and flashing over many subsequent entanglements the dark potency of which being lost on most viewers. The recherche dialogue between Eva and her muse, in Autumn Sonata (1978)—though a crucial clearing—becomes a victim of that protagonist’s hysterical self-importance. The action of silence (most salient in Persona [1966] but also on the move in, The Silence[1963] and Cries and Whispers [1972]), tends to be upstaged by the strong suit of survival. A mystical consummation, like that seen in, Wild Strawberries (1957), tends to maintain the status quo even more rigorously. Therefore, our second attention to this visceral production must be intent upon illuminating, as never before, the sensual structures and energies of players who live or die upon a cosmic scale.

One major expository  response to that singular involvement is to spotlight two minor figures to lead the charge—the two stars of the show being brought to light as auxiliary weight for the previous marvels of poetic intensity. There is, of course, a saga, in this case pertaining to a slipping itinerant circus impresario and his slipping love life; but that’s not where the magic and the lift-off inheres. Careers and romantic complications are a dime a dozen; and they don’t tend to generate game-breakers.

Near the outset, a long-term carnie regales the rather recent owner, Albert, about an event of some rarity which happened 7 years before, involving a husband and wife team of clowns, still in the company. The troupe was set to entertain at a place along the seaboard, where an artillery regiment was engaged in training maneuvers. The flashback covering this crucial action has been given a medium of saturated sunlight in which to carry us on an even longer way from the mundane than killing fields and wandering sensationalism. “Tell the story if you want,” the boss allows (sitting on the driver’s bench of one of his caravans plodding along, early in the morning, drinking beer with the storyteller, and soon falling asleep, missing [as always] a remarkable revelation). “It was a hot summer day… The officers lay on the grass, hot and sweating, drinking out of boredom… Then along came Alma, an imposing woman… Carried herself like a queen, if a bit past her prime.” We see her, alone, on a ridge near the sea, bearing down upon the mere military, and carrying a basket for what might come along. Her dress of straight lines implies a mood not for curving away from her sterling desires. In fact, she is a vision of the goddess or medium, Aphrodite, she of coherent passion. As she approaches the fighting force, their cannonade becomes an imaginary orgy. Then, by way of an officer with cat whiskers in close-up yelling something where there is not a sound, except the cannon blasts, the recent workaday becomes even stranger. Cut to the brain-trust playing cards on the flat rocks. Advantage in the air. Cut to more of those silent mouthings, which disappear with a wave of sharp white space, soon displaying a division by way of the black uniforms. Alma merrily walks right over the improv poker table, spins around and produces an ironic smile and bow to her subjects. (The troopers on the ragged ground are not alert to their being overrun by a sworn enemy, as well as a congenial visitation to a lesser world. A soldier ridicules her, and she ridicules back.) Alma then begins to pull up her dress and challenge the power clique to live up to her powers. (In a cut, her advantageous mis-en-scene has been momentarily rescinded, to convey the human, often failing, interplay with the works of primary creativity.) The innuendo of coitus is taken up by the troopers and their shooting. Back on the topspin, Alma takes off her dress and tosses away her sun hat for the sake of a sunniness very seldom reached. (Such steps of hers like that will be repeated, somewhat, by that sleeping slug, unprepared for a crisis of cosmic proportions.)

Another stretch of fiery sky graces the beach; but disgrace looms, even during her ascendance to the ways of Aphrodite. Breaking the stalemate of mob ridicule and her wielding a secret weapon, an officer orders a cadet to go to her husband whereby more mundane resources would tip the scale and force a retreat. The apparition’s beloved clown and alcoholic, with infrequent rallies, lacks her ambition; and therewith we are to keep an eye on her miseries nearly buried by the ordinary two protagonists. And that Frost (where to start with that?—with Death, in the wings) rallies handsomely, though unevenly, that day. Never without his deathly white, cosmetic coloration (in glaring light he nearly disappears), his first appearance doesn’t seem much of anything. Brought out of the tent to meet the cadet, he mutters, “I once had the opportunity to perform for his Majesty…” [Frost being an exponent of trivial nostalgia in lieu of demanding traction]. (This is a gambit soon to re-emerge, in The Magician. As we work along here, we are impressed by how prepared this sojourn traces back to this film.) Only half-comprehending the dilemma, Frost misses the mark (as Albert will repeatedly miss the mark in the second part of that war-couplet which moves apace with great distinction): “The captain pays homage to me…” The cadet, who had conveyed that, “The captain sends his greetings,” sharpens up the message, to, “Your Alma is swimming naked with the regiment!” This causes his more realistic colleagues to laugh maliciously. A woman angrily confronts that drifter with, “Show you’re a real man! We’ll help you give her hell!” Someone else adds, “We’ll help you tar that saucy hide of hers!” With this, Frost pushes the sort of well-wishers away and rushes to the shore in a frenzy. Adding to his presence, are the pantaloons he always wears, trussed up in such a way that his physical proportions resemble an ostrich or a prehistoric bird. Frost being, in his eccentric and erratic way, also a primordial force, of questionable efficacy. With this crisis in the making, at a strategic point, we have our opportunity to regard this drama being very unlike others in its priorities. These presumed, by convention, also rans, are actually nearly the whole story. Their coming a cropper of the military devolves from the widespread war intrinsically bearing down upon creatures like our two clowns—too strange to readily stomach its stand in canniness; and too frail to mount a viable stand of uncanniness, going somewhere very few of humankind want to touch. Though cast as a problematic item of the preponderant in choices—a “circus and romantic saga”—in fact the action is devoted to a striking disclosure, beyond theatre and almost musical in its dynamic. The putative protagonists, Albert, and Anne, “lovers,” are the true also ran. They are trammeled with being not nearly crazy enough to be creatively balanced. And, therewith, the motif of  the “little world” and the “big world” (explicit in Fanny and Alexander) hits the bricks to make of this entire Bergman filmic campaign, not a setting in relief of domestic exigencies but how the hell one might carve out a rhythm of sanity on a grotesque planet. As such, the entire (independent) corpus of Bergman’s endeavor must be seen as wall-to-wall war movies.

   Frost, with the whole carnie nation delighting in his plight and racing close to his heels, encounters the mob of jeering heroes as he beholds Alma splashing offshore with an amphibian group. His shock, in close-up, is accompanied by a moment of all-out silence and stillness—as if the precinct of primal destruction clamps down for a moment. The white-out of the sun once again endows the chaos with pristine dignity. (Each of such stations emanating singular resources as to the massively ignored and dangerously beloved ways of life.) Then Frost calls out to her (no sound, no subtitles; but the cheesy, calliope circus theme). What was a regal bid to really live now begins to collapse. Jeering (now with the added non-strangers) recommences. Taking off his outer gear and struggling over jagged rocks provides another spew of black laughter. He does reach her, and those groping her drift away. In the capacity of a small but memorable rally, to consign to filmic archives, there is a close-up of him holding her and, as they behold the sea and the sky, they constitute an army of two. As that was transpiring, the cadet gathers up their clothes and hides them in a cravass.  A girl from the circus laughs about that. Frost brings Alma to shore by having her on his back. The visual atmosphere is a slate sea and dark grey sky; and Frost, losing the energy to savor this austere beauty, begins to succumb to unsteadiness in negotiating the rocks while carrying her. Another silence obtrudes, as the couple resemble dying beasts. (The protagonists will prove to be all too human—predictable and presumptuous, leaving us more alerted to the fringes than the center.) The underestimated “clowns” are seen at a distance. The crowd closes in. Alma becomes stiff in his arms, her body like a cardboard sign. A deep drum roll sounds. The captain orders the heroes back to training. Frosts feet, shown in  close-up, become very unsteady. That blazing outburst stages another fanfare to kindred spirits. A close-up finds them strangely glamorous at a watershed. Frost falls, and nearly faints. Another blinding brightness, another drum roll. They’re seen at a distance, on a ridge. (After such effort, this being a premonition of surrender, four years hence, in The Seventh Seal.) A feathery cloud formation becomes a confirmation that much had been well done. Then he falls, seen from afar. One more effort to proceed, and he’s flat on his face. He tries to crawl. (We’ll see Albert in a somewhat formally similar sequence, but with very little concern on the part of the cosmos.) Alma, no longer Aphrodite, fears for Frost’s life. Carnies and the cadet carry him home to the circus tent. Alma angrily (and silenced) reproves the wayward. She begins to cry out (silently covered).

Back to the seat at the caravan emanating this strange event, with Albert, as always, missing in action. He and the driver jounce, due to the bad roads; they look like rather identical puppets. The driver concludes, “Alma began to shriek that we’d done her old man in. We got angry and told her it was her own fault. But we picked him up and carried him back anyway…”

  The last sight of the two who rocked Sweden for a few hours, was Frost being carried by several men of the art of the body, as if he were a white caribou. His head is thrown back and the pan shot moves backwards, as if he’s the subject of a hunt already dead. Seven years beyond this oddity/ odyssey, the driver has rounded out his harangue with, “That’s a woman and love for you!” It is, of course, nothing of the sort, the eyewitness not having a clue of what had really taken place. Here’s the moment to introduce the virtually sterile protagonists, now running the show, very badly—by way of their phony business names: “Alberti” (as in, “Alberti Cirkus”); and, “a fiery Spanish rider astride an Andalusian thoroughbred,” being hopefully antidotes to mask their lack of lyricism, their lack of poetry, their lack of courage. The day we first see them together, they’re entering the town where Albert dragged his wife and two children (from a modest retail business) into showbiz as being, at last, his supposed reality. This venue, in contrast with the puppets and cold and fatigue on the first occasion, musters cinematography of beauty, in the form of a close-up of a wagon wheel moving over a bridge showing its reflection in the water, and an imposing windmill. A rooster crows. A dog barks a welcome. Forward motion in the air. But who’s up for what it takes?

   The mid-20th century “fairground,” a scene of desolation itself, becomes the scene of the staff, many having seen far better days from far better management, announcing to the boss their displeasure in not having been paid for quite a while, with an outbreak of fleas in all the caravans, and lacking viable costumes. (During the hubbub Alma is aghast in hearing that one of her colleagues wants to have her pet bear [and vignette for her work] killed and eaten.)  In response, we receive some idea of the details of Albert’s being unfit for bringing off viable imaginative work. He muses that in America there is a healthy market for circus activity. “In America, circus folk ride through town, while bands play and the elephants trumpet. Everyone puts on their biggest smile and people line the streets cheering. A booming voice announces the show for that evening…” The goofiness of that razzmatazz premise transplanting to rural Sweden, is part and parcel of the goofy business plan in Jacque Tati’s film, Jour de Fete (1949), where a French farm town mailman attempts to wow the citizenry with big-market, American systematics.

On the spot to at least seem to be a businessman, he proposes one of those effervescent, Jimmy Durante circus parades for the permafrost customers, only to be busted, the horses impounded on the grounds of failing to secure a permit. Albert’s other excellent idea—on stronger grounds, in view of the Swedish government lavishing tons of cash for the arts (the theatre building in this tank-town having been designed upon the model of the royal palace)—was to borrow some of the costumes of the rich store, in order to put on a memorable spectacle. But there is a significant more, bearing down upon this disarray, whereby Albert was to pay a visit to his former spouse and (formerly unhappy) former circus partner (now the successful lone tobacconist of the present scene). Sleepy Alberti’s career of running the show into near collapse has inadvertently alerted Anne, the non-Spaniard, at this window of opportunity, that he’ll be returning to retail and she’ll be needing to make very different plans than she had bargained for.

   Albert and Anne constitute, however, not mere perverse dullards and fools, but rather facile, effete revolutionaries lacking the nerve to prepare for what their excitement involves. Each releases a mission statement in face of discouraging mainstream forces. Albert’s ex declares, “I’m happy now. It was always a time of frenzy and fear.” He counters with, “It’s always the same, summer and winter. For me, it’s emptiness.” Encountering rather feminine and arrogant Frans (an actor she meets during negotiations for the costumes; and perhaps her best bet if Albert bolts), she maintains that an earthy matier like the circus is the place to be. “I’ll bet you apply cosmetics. You have beautiful hands… You’re a weakling… You can’t [as he did] treat me like that or speak of my husband that way…” Frans pushes back, “If we were alone, I’d crush you. I’d crush your resistance like a piece of dirty paper.” She quickly attacks, “What play does that come from? Save it for your pale, flat-chested actresses…” Stirring declarations; but hollow. Anne does go in for “dirty paper.” And Albert proposes returning to the good old days. His wife had prefaced the little  reunion with, “All I can offer is pancakes.”

The theatre personnel arrive late. And Frans, having been roundly insulted by Anne en route to a pancake tryst, feels entitled to trip up an inelegant entertainment. Although this very intense incident could be imagined to be (as with the battle on the shore could seem) a simple display of dispatching, by the powers that be, foolish, obsolete eccentricity—road kill—the membrane on tap copiously speaks otherwise, to the horror of so many who don’t care enough, and where that leaves those who do show audacity of sensibility reaching an astounding threshold. That the figures being tracked do not handle their audacity well, is beside the point of this reflection per se. Sawdust and Tinsel offers to us a conveyance inviting the viewer to behold emotion so raw that normal dimensions become shattered and thereby become an intimate challenge. By the time the caravan comes to the little town playing it safe, we notice Alma and Frost having abandoned the realm of Aphrodite in favor of variations of Aphrodite-Lite, the specialty of Albert and Anne. Frost and Albert clearly spend a lot of time getting drunk. Alma has her low-key bear; Anne has her Tarot cards. By the end of the saga, Albert is heard to lament, “We’re both stuck, Anne—stuck like hell…”

Whereas the insulting regiment, at the (double) beginning, never gets to be heard, Frans, showing off to a pretty actress in the troupe (where affluent, educated elites would have honed a range of useful skills), and with Anne astride her horse circling the sawdust stage, he calls out, “Feel alright after our adventure, Sweetheart?” This elicits from Albert, the ringmaster’s, whipping off of the show-offs straw hat. In one of those grand, dramatic ironies Bergman excels in, Albert’s shock and fury at that moment had landed him in depths of pain whereby he had put in his place the smooth cynic. Frans, not expecting lightning from such a source, experiences, almost uniquely, disarray. As he puts his hat on, the girl he brung laughs in his face. The supercilious small-town sensation had, remarkably, retreated. Were Albert truly conversant with squelching vain nobodies, his evening might have included modest rewards from which to invent circus theatre to surpass the sclerosis of the local artistes. But Albert, on a high and afraid of heights, repeats the fun—flashing his whip as if the smattering of Americana Conestoga covered wagons in the convoy endows automatic magic—and Frans, feeding on hate, smashes the pretender to a pulp.

Much about this bloody gore reminds us of Alma’s sunny day at the beach. Frans’ fighting skills (the Artistic Director of the big/ little theatre mired in lostness organizes the bad feelings in terms of a duel, which is to say, a stupid way to die and a stupid way to live) are a reprise of the artillery  display which punctuated the ridicule of Alma. Albert’s baby-peal crying in pain, from a dirty trick directed at his balls, is a reprise of the fake crying of a clown in the first scene of the show, where Frost is now merely ordinary, wielding a ladder (going nowhere—not even funny) and squabbling with the crybaby. The townsfolks (including the ex), recalling the civilian population witnessing Alma’s abortive ascent, present a variation of the universal amusement—most enjoying the massacre, while a few being sickened by it. On the other hand—as with the conscripts to the nation—the theatre employees show 100% satisfaction, in their prissy way. Distributed about this maelstrom, we have Anne thrown from her horse, due to a guy in the last row throwing a missile hitting the thoroughbred; Alma’s gig with her bear totally washed out by the late-comers from civilization wandering across the ring (and, to worsen her latter days lot, yelling to hapless Albert, “That’s it, Albert!”); and the ringmaster both humiliated and on a roll of visceral courage, hopelessly misplaced.

   At the end of the fight, Frost becomes a voice of the status quo: “Ladies and gentlemen, the show is over. Thank you for coming this evening…” Albert’s nightmare finds him in the role of an abused bear, in a bearpit. On gaining what he’d call consciousness, he grabs his pistol and shoots Alma’s bear. You could say, that was the last bit of integrity this company would see. But, for what it’s worth, the tug of creativity is hard to entirely kill.

The circus caravan is on the move later that night. Frost and Albert are walking along in crepuscular light and crepuscular mood. Albert maintains a depressive glare, never looking, nor, once again, listening to the outer limits of life itself. Frost, an artist to Albert’s merchandising, speaks up, with, “Yesterday afternoon I had a dream while I slept off the booze. I dreamt that Alma came to me and said, ‘Poor Frost, you look tired and sad. Wouldn’t you like to rest a while?’ Yes, I said. ‘I’ll make you small [smallness virulently in effect already] as a little unborn child. You can climb into my womb and sleep in peace.’ So I did as she said, and crept into her womb, and I slept there so soundly and peacefully, rocked to sleep as if in a cradle. Then I got smaller, until, at last, I was just a tiny seed, and then I was gone.” Frost had not gone much further than hysteria in that initial struggle. But his dream carried him to the frontiers of creativity, which is to say, a fresh start upon getting real, the precinct Alma inhabited when an instance of Aphrodite (which failed to find traction). Alma, from the cozy confines of their caravan bed, interrupts, “Stop trudging along out there! Come inside and sleep!” Frost, the alcoholic Everyman, explains to the bemusing navigator, “You see? She can’t sleep without me beside her!”

Here we come to an unexpected minefield. Do the fidelities, at this stage of the careers of the once-briefly brave, still reach the point of magic? Or do those gentle moves conceal a crime? The dream of starting again seems to tell us, “Yes.” Bergman, being one very, very tough dude, is not one to settle for sort of. Does his investigation (and that of a host of other investigators) leave room for leveraging the daily juggle where the daily acrobatics have startled? Sort of. But the film wants us to consider hostile armies that aren’t going away.

After Frost, the unfocused family man, goes to bed, Albert comes to a halt, and Anne (not needing to go to bed) has her moment of truth, which is something else from a moment of vision. (Along a trajectory of job-shopping with Frans in his dressing room and beyond, in the light of Albert bidding for a less American Dream, she doubles back, in memory, to catch Frans rehearsing a drama that could only avail as a purgative. “I am but a poor jester in this farce of dark shadows. Her deceitful heart, her frailty, even her taunting indifference, turn my world upside down every day and every hour…Art that Count Badrincourt of Chamballe, or the most miserable of wretches? Farewell, O world…May my tears water my poor grave…” The intruder that is Anne is positioned behind a damaged backdrop, and we see only part of her face breaking through the musty garbage in knowing to be something better. [Far from Aphrodite; but a physical key still in play].) There they are (Anne and Albert), in the dull light, now apprehensive. (While Albert was carried out of his sawdust bailiwick—a position repeating Frost’s unconsciousness after breaking down in aid of Alma—Anne was busy gauging Frans’ cheek. A few years later, in Hour of the Wolf  [1968], a woman at a party gauges the cheek of an effete rebel, whose confused bid to manage there being no heaven costs his life.) Each manages a wan smile. And they walk along that pregnant roadway and its links coming close to the dance of death, about to be fully unveiled in The Seventh Seal. Our guide’s dramatic genius presents a disaster without recourse, while, on a wider front, things could improve.