#and exy I love you exy I get it kevin I promise I do

[crazy-fangirl2524]

If tsc is published before aftg none of us will like exy we will hate it and not get the hype

[caspiansinclair]

A LIST OF TFC KANDREW QUOTES/CRUMBS (i love them. i probably missed a good amount since this was from a light skimming through):

- to andrew: “you already have kevin”

- “[andrew] said he’d break his fingers if Coach ever made him play with kevin again.” “but he’s playing now?” “only because kevin is. kevin got back on court with a racquet in his right hand, and andrew wasn’t far behind. up until then they were fighting like cats and dogs. now look at them. they’re practically trading friendship bracelets and i couldn’t fit a crowbar between them if it’d save my life.” “but why? andrew hates kevin’s obsession with exy.” “the day they start making sense, let me know. i gave up trying to sort it all out weeks ago. you could ask, but neither of them will answer. but as long as i’m doling out advice? stop staring at kevin so much. you’re making me fear for your life.” “what do you mean?” “andrew is scary territorial over him. he punches me in the first time i said i’d like to get kevin too wasted to be straight.”

- “andrew was only here because kevin day never went anywhere alone.”

- about andrew: “he has only eyes for kevin”

- ‘“look at me,” andrew said. kevin turned a haunted at him… “it’ll be fine,” andrew said. “i promised, didn’t i? don’t you believe me?” it took a while, but at last kevin visibly relaxed. the dead edge melted out of his eyes as he absorbed every ounce of strength andrew could give him. the unwavering trust kevin had in andrew was amazing.”

- about andrew: “kevin needs him right now and that trumps whatever agreement you two had”

- “kevin had andrew to lean on”

- “i hate you.” “you don’t.” “how would you know?” “because if you did, andrew wouldn’t let you anywhere near me.”

- “andrew put his hand to kevin’s back and shoved him into the bedroom” (this one’s here for sillies.)

- “since kevin appears to be in the center of his (andrew’s) strange world”

- “this means andrew is keeping you, same as he kept kevin”

- “you’re the reason kevin’s going to stay with our team. andrew’s got kevin’s back, but you’ve got kevin’s attention. that makes you invaluable to andrew.”

- “kevin had to climb up andrew’s side to get to his feet after downing 13 drinks in an hour and a half”

- “Kevin was standing with Andrew inside the goal line, left hand out so Andrew could tug at his outer glove. Andrew undid the straps and peeled it off, then hooked it under his arm so he could take off Kevin's arm guard. He left Kevin's under-glove on, but unhooked the loop from Kevin's middle finger so he could slide the black cloth to Kevin's wrist. Kevin flexed his fingers slowly, staring at his scars, then turned his hand over and flexed his fingers again”

- “The look on Matt's face said he was just getting started, but Andrew stepped between them before Matt could go after Kevin again. Andrew was smiling and his stance was casual, but Matt knew better than to try his luck against the short psychopath. Matt took a step back, silently conceding the fight, and shot Neil a worried look. Kevin got to his feet behind Andrew and glared at Neil.”

[weralika]

my essay about kevin's sexuality

my point is: everything in aftg books revolves around kevin day being straight

I often say that kandrew fucked for sure/ kevin tried to kiss him/ he's in love with neil but I understand that it's not true and I live in delusion.

because we can clearly see that he has a lot of strange interactions with other male characters, I don't know if he considers them strange as well, but they are fucking odd! what do you mean you promised andrew to give him something to live for? what do you mean jean didn't kill himself because you made him make that promise? the fuck neil "gave you his game" like boy... you live through your life making other boys look your way when you enter the room, and neil had fallen for you not knowing he's not straight (a topic for another essay, tell me if you want to hear about it)

and, despite being a hot guy and a fucking wet dream, you never try to scare the boys off, maybe you don't know they are in love with you or you are okay with this, since it has nothing to do with exy (well, it fucking does).

the sanity of jean and andrew and neil (and nicky and matt, etc) only there because they know they can never get you.

andrew would do anything for you, if you two had a thing — he resists the temptation to stop the fucking world spinning for you, because he can predict his own future: the more he does for you, the more he falls in love with you. yes, we can say that they are good friends, but (in my opinion!!) it costs so much not to ruin everything by kissing that stupid red lips (credit is due, kevin drinks a lot of water) andrew has a lot of self discipline because he doesn't want to break his own heart by having stupid hopes.

jean would never even be there if you were gay, kevi! I don't know if you'd escape nest leaving him behind, but in case you do — andrew takes you under his wing, jean knows your secret passion for boys and he knows a fucked up couple when he sees one. he starts to wonder if your stupid friendship meant nothing, you never even kissed him but jean asked too many times. you were gay, but not for jean? I guess it's a solid reason to end up anywhere in that bunch of drafts, not in the one you survived.

neil would be the one confusing you about your attraction to many boys but not one, and andrew would kill him! I don't know, imagine a new boy has a binder with photos of you boyfriend! what do you want he's my boy, and you're a threat so get out (okay, maybe andrew won't jump into conclusions there too, but damn... neil are you with mafia? wanna know how sharp my blade is?)

Wymack would have half of grey hairs by the time his foxes win their first game because he isn't paid for all that gay drama (well, the main gay is my son. who would've guessed.)

conclusion: kevin is really straight in the books, or he lies to himself so long he almost believes it! I know that because if he wasn't, the other male characters in the books were not just head over heels about him but also tried to kill each other because kevin is too precious to be hurt! the books would be so fucking different if he was/accepted himself being gay! it would be 300% more insane!

disclaimer: it's only my opinion and you are free to disagree! you can tell your version in comments/reblogs/tags

thank you very much 🫦

[wilhelminyard]

compilation of nice/sweet things the foxes said to neil because even though they're a bunch of assholes who'll insult anyone in their vicinity they all just love him so damn much (part 2) :

ANDREW :

"I'm not here for your entertainment" "but as expected you are talented enough to multitask"

"you are neil josten and I am still the man who said he would keep you alive. I don't care if you use this phone tomorrow. I don't care if you never use it again. but you are going to keep it on you because one day you might need it. on that day you're not going to run. you're going to think about what I promised you and you're going to make the call."

"I'm not afraid of you" "that's why you're so interesting"

DAN :

"don't thank us, remember us. we're your teammates. we're here to help you with whatever you need."

"you've got us now"

"that was perfect. but don't do something that reckless again. we can't replace you. hear me?"

"neil, you can use the girls' shower while we're busy"

MATT :

"just try not to think about it until we get there. you won't do yourself any favorite if you spend the ride stressing out about things you can't change."

"if you don't have anywhere to go, I'll drag you home with me"

KEVIN :

"if you get hurt out there, you do something about it. you take it easy, you have coach pull you, you ask abby for help - I don't care. if you ever say 'I'm fine' about your health again I will make you rue the day you were born"

"neil has no place in riko's games. he is a fox."

"run. it's the only way you'll survive"

"you should be court."

"will you still teach me?" "every night."

"I will watch you. if you want to drink tonight. I won't let you say something you'll regret." "you'll be drunk inside an hour. then who'll stop me?" "I would stop drinking."

"you're not going. do you know what he'll do to you?"

WYMACK :

"why did you pay for stalls coach?" "maybe I knew you'd need them one day"

"neil, if you can't be here say so. abby can take you elsewhere until it's time to leave. get out of here and get some fresh air."

"what can I do?" "I don't know" "when you know, tell me"

"sometimes the world feels so big but then I'm reminded how small it is" "big or small just remember you're not alone in it."

"if riko really was behind it somehow, the blame is all on him. he chose to take out his petty rage on seth. he chose to cross a line. you didn't. you hear me? you didn't. don't ever blame yourself for seth's death. that it too dangerous a road to walk down. you keep your eyes on your own path and keep moving forward"

"neil" "I'm fine" "be fine inside where it's warmer"

"look I know I've always told you all to take your personal problems up with betsy or abby. I've said it's not my place to get into anything outside the court. I hope you've figured out by now I'm just blowing hot air. I'm not real good at being a shoulder, but I do have a working set of ears."

"help me" "let me"

"this doesn't mean anything. I'm still a fox." "of course you are."

NICKY :

"kid you're killing me. why do you always get that deer-in-headlights look when someone does something nice for you?"

"you worry about neil's career. I'll worry about his personal happiness."

"I didn't really get into the gritty details last time because those aren't reallt dan and matt's business, but you're family, so I can tell you."

"there's obsession and there's dysfunction. you can't make exy your end-all be-all. this won't last forever, okay? you'll shine bright, then you'll retire, and then what? you gonna spend the rest of your life at home alone with all your trophies? you can't be just this, neil. this isn't enough to live for."

"thanks for taking one for the team, neil. you're a real friend."

"are we? friends?" "you are going to be the absolute death of me. yeah, kid. we're friends. you're stuck with us, like it or not."

"I only see that look on neil's face when someone tries to do something nice for him, but we all know kevin's as bratty as they come. what did you say, kevin, and do I need to defend neil's honor or what?"

RENEE :

"I am not the girl I once was but the shade of my old life will always existe inside of me. that is what helps me connect with andrew. I am hoping it will help me connect with you."

"I do not know your story. if you've trusted andrew with anything, he hasn't shared the details with me and he never will. but if you are as like us as we first predicted you to be, perhaps one day you can also come to see me as a friend."

"if either andrew or I can help you, please know we are here."

"and you neil? are you all right?"

[ok555ficideas]

If Andriel ever got married, this would be the Foxes speeches in my opinion:

Aaron 

“When I met Neil I hated his guts. He was arrogant, he had an attitude problem, he lacked any kind of authenticity,”

“Is there a compliment there somewhere, Minyard?”

“Shut it, Josten. I’m trying to say something.” 

“Actually, it’s Josten-Minyard now, thank you very much.” 

“So, I think you all know what I mean. Self absorbed, egoistic asshole. Unfortunately he makes my brother happy and I think we all know that making Andrew happy is one of the hardest jobs there is. For the longest time I had no idea what all of you saw in that idiot. He waltzed into our lives and immediately settled himself in all of your hearts. I have no idea when and how it happened and I’m a little tipsy and will refuse the implications of saying any of this tomorrow, but somehow that bastard managed to get to me too. Neil, you are an asshole and I’m so thankful to have you as my brother in law. If it wasn’t for you I would probably have zero contact with my brother in the first place and I’m glad that you stumbled into our lives. I wish you both nothing but the best.” 

Kevin

“When I first made a deal with Andrew I knew that I would have a hard time keeping my end of it. For those of you who don’t know, I promised Andrew to find him something to live for. Back then I thought it was going to be Exy. I know, I know it's very predictable of me, but come on how can you not love Exy? Okay, okay, don’t boo me Andrew I'm getting to the point, jesus. Tough crowd. As we all know Andrew doesn’t care about Exy to this day. He would be a much better player if he did- Auch! Did you just throw a fork at me? What are you? An Animal? I found you a husband and all I get is hate. Neil was the way I kept my end of the deal. I admit, I wasn’t frilled at first about their relationship. It derailed Neil’s focus from Exy, but at the end of the day it helped two of the most important people in my life be happy, so I’m happy. To Andrew and Neil!”

Renee

“As the maid of honor, I have to fulfill my duty and embarrass the groom a little bit. When Neil first joined the foxes Andrew was gone for him from the start. Don’t make that face, Andrew. You know it’s true. I had to hear over and over again about “that stupid idiot”. When they finally got together I was over the moon. I couldn’t think of two other people who fit together so well, apart from me and my wife, of course. You two had to walk through literal hell to get to this point and I’m so proud of you. I hope that God won’t throw any more hardships your way, but even if they do I know that you will be able to survive them, together.” 

Matt

“My best friend got hitched!!! Yes, people. Come on, a sound of applause to the newlyweds! Oh, Neil. The day I found out about you two was a day filled with so much new information yet this was what shocked me the most. At first I was scared for your life and sanity, but you both proved time and time again that you are perfect for each other. Andrew, I’m so sorry for ever doubting you. There is no one out there better for Neil and I’m so glad he has you. Cheers!” 

Dan

“Neil, the day you joined the foxes was the day that everything finally clicked into place. You were the last missing piece of the puzzle and I will be forever grateful to you for changing the whole dynamic of the team. You are like a little brother to me and I never wish for any harm to come your way ever again. Andrew, thank you so much for protecting him. For protecting all of us, even if we didn’t always know that that's what you were doing. We had our differences, but I’m so happy that you are a part of my family.” 

Allison

“I was kind of mad, when I found out you two weren’t eloping after all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be here, but I had a lot of money riding on it and you all know how much I hate losing bets. Neil, what you see in that guy I will never understand, but I can see that he makes you happy. Your face looks like you are holding a banana and it is a little embarrassing. No, don't show me pictures from my wedding, Neil. This is photoshop, I did not look that ridiculous. Anyway, I can see that Andrew is good for you so you two have my blessing. Andrew, you have found a gem, don’t you dare take him for granted.” 

Nicky

“Hello everyone, are you having fun? Glad to hear it. I just wanted to point out that if the grooms have organized any of this it would be fucking terrible. Did you seriously bring a knife to your own wedding, Andrew? You can wave that thing at me all day long, I know you are just a bark with no bite. Love made you softer. This is the most important wedding I have ever attended. Sorry, my love. My other cousin had deprived me of my God given right to attend his and,” 

“For fucks sake, Nicky. Will you let it go if I let you plan a party for us?” 

“Yes! You heard that people. You can expect another awesome party like this coming soon. Neil, you have entered our little family and I knew that you would shake things up from the get go. I had never imagined that we would end up like this, but I’m so glad we did. I love you and I’m so happy that you are now legally binded to us even though there was no need for a piece of paper to prove that we are where you belong. Andrew, I’m so glad that you found someone who makes your whole face light up. All I ever wanted for you was to be happy and I’m so glad you found it with Neil. I love you both so much.” 

Wymack

“Why all of you didn’t know that these two knuckleheads were bound to end up together from the beginning I will never understand. It was so fucking obvious and you are all bunch of idiots. That’s it, that’s the speech. To the newlyweds!”

[bea-l-t]

Because I love Andreil fanfics to an unhealthy degree, here are my recommendations (and like a paragraph each for why you should read them). Also all of them are complete. I couldn't get links to any of the locked content to work, but I still included the recommendations for ao3 account users:

For angsty AUs where college and exy are still things:

-Raised on Little Light by maqicien. Where Wymack adopted Neil at age 13. Good if you like lots of angst, edgy Neil that still gets his damsel in distress moments, and some really cute relationship moments in between.

-There's Just No Getting Through by maqicien (can you tell I like this author?). A series of oneshots where Neil is a Raven and Andrew is still a fox and the two date secretly. Technically, this is a series, and the series itself kind of leaves off at a cliffhanger that could be seen as incomplete. Personally, I just pretend that the last paragraph of the last part doesn't exist and we're good to go. Good if you like pining and edgy Andriel. Andrew especially feels very canon with his personality.

-The Road to Nowhere by emmerrr. A post-apocalyptic world where Neil joins the foxes as they all try to survive at an abandoned PSU. Good if you like your fics to still vaguely follow the bigger points of the canon content, some angst, domestic fluff and of course an edgy (but still damsel) Neil. Honestly just extremely well written and the characters feel very canon personality-wise. (Bonus if you like Renee/Allison)

For post-canon lovers (all except one are about an injured Neil):

-Scribbles and Sticky Notes by Fortheloveofexy. A (long) oneshot where Neil faces a career-ending injury. Read the tags/content warnings to get a better idea of what you're getting into, but this fic hurts so good. Featuring a lot of domestic fluff. I feel like this fic feels extremely true to how middle-aged Andriel would act.

-The Bones of You by emmerrr (again, love this author). Neil and Andrew are married in this! Neil gets injured during an Exy match and goes through a difficult recovery. Featuring the Moriyamas, Renee/Allison (mentioned), Kevin& Allison being besties, Wymack/Abby, and domestic fluff.

- You go your way, I'll go your way too by Emmerrr (Cannot emphasize how good their fics are). The only fic in this section that isn't about Neil getting injured! About the time that Neil and Andrew spend doing long distance. It's adorable.

-Pause and Restart My Heart by knoxham. A two-part series where Neil and Andrew get into a car accident, Neil goes into a coma, Andrew has many feelings. Part two obviously has spoilers for part one, but they're both very much worth the read.

-Calling Me Back Once Again by fuzzballsheltiepants. On a ski trip, Neil gets lost during a storm. An angsty wait for search and rescue to find him ensues.

Other POVs of the canon events/books:

-never fallen (from quite this high) by crystalcrow. The series from Andrew's POV. I really like the twins and their dynamic in this.

-Yes, Coach by emerrr (last fic I'll recommend by them, I promise). The whole series from Wymack's POV. It's a digestible length, so 10/10.

Anyway, hope these find fic lovers well!

[ninyard]

Darling as much as i support you going crazy over those fbi octonary characters I'm going to need more kevillison headcanons ok? Thanks

my gift to you:

- I mentioned before that they go to the banquets together post-TKM. Did I mention they match their outfits? Allison in a gorgeous long emerald green dress and Kevin with a green tie and handkerchief. The only colour that they don’t match is the one time Allison decides to wear a red dress - Kevin refuses to wear red with his suits, even if it’s on top of a white shirt instead of a black one.

- When it comes to hooking up, they have no shame around each other AT ALL. They have that kind of relationship, and they’re so on the same page about the FWB situation, that there’s literally nothing they won’t do or try with each other just for the sake of it. Worst one was when Allison was curious what it would be like if he spoke French to her. She INSTANTLY got the ick and had to stop. (Best one was sitting on opposite ends of the room and-)

- There’s a thousand different pics on several of the foxes phones of Kevin 1) carrying Allison because she got too lazy to walk 2) carrying Allison’s heels because they were hurting her feet and 3) wearing no jacket because he gave it Allison when she got cold.

- One time Kevin asks Allison to coverup his tattoo with makeup. He stares at his unmarked skin for so long before he has to ask her to take it off. He hasn’t seen his face without something on it since he was a kid.

- They’ve been each others new years kiss two years in a row. They’ve both promised it won’t happen again but. When the countdown starts and they’re standing next to each other? What ELSE are they supposed to do?

- (Most of the foxes pretend not to know that they’re hooking up. But they all know.)

- Allison is one of the only (if not the only) fox outside of Andrew or Neil that has ever actually asked him exactly what happened when he broke his hand. And not “oh Riko kicked it until it stopped working the end”. She asks him to talk her through the day, while tracing over the scars on the back of his hand. Kevin tells her too much (in his opinion) but she listens to every detail. She asks him about Jean, about the drive to find David, about the healing process afterwards. He hardly looks at her at all when he talks about it, but he doesn’t feel uncomfortable sharing it with her.

- She’s talked him through a panic attack once or twice.

- When Kevin starts getting into hobbies outside of Exy, and tries his hand at photography, she is ALWAYS willing to model for him. Granted, he mostly just takes photos of mundane life and beautiful things, not staged photo shoots, but she will never, ever tell him not to take a photo of her. Yes mostly because she loves photos of herself, but she also sees how his face lights up when he takes a nice one, and she loves seeing him passionate about something other than Exy.

- This is an actual picture of them. got sent it via the interdimensional portal I opened.

[jtl-fics]

WIP Wednesday

So here is a brief bit of Future!Andrew in my Math Nerd AU. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ANY OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. Andrew's in a dark place.

Trigger Warnings: Depression / Grief, Planning Suicide, suicidal thoughts, and suicide

Andrew holds the urn in his arms and regrets.

Neil had died alone in that hospital room. Died alone because Andrew had never had the courage to get down on one knee and propose properly. Died alone and in pain because Andrew had never gotten the POAs he’d considered multiple times for both of them, but he hadn’t because it felt like admitting too much. Died alone, in pain, and…

Andrew could only ever tell Neil that he hated him.

Andrew knows that Neil knew he didn’t hate him. Neil had understood that Andrew would never live with someone he actually hated. Neil had understood that Andrew wouldn’t have adopted pets with someone he hated. Neil had understood that Andrew wouldn’t let someone he hated touch him the way that Neil had been allowed to touch him.

Andrew doesn’t know if Neil understood that Andrew loved him.

Andrew isn’t even sure if he had fully understood until it was too late and Neil had died alone, in pain, and unsure of Andrew’s love because Andrew had never said it.

He looks down at the urn and the list of ‘options’ Neil had given him and knows that Neil had not understood that Andrew could not and would not continue to live their future alone.

His friends and family had seem to accept that this was only the first funeral.

Neil’s will was short and sweet. He had left everything to Andrew Joseph Minyard and Andrew spent the month after Neil’s funeral sorting out his own arrangements.

He left large amounts to both of his Nieces and felt faintly bad that he was never going to see them grow up but he had almost puked when Lilly had asked him where Uncle Neil was.

He couldn’t answer her.

He’s going to where Uncle Neil is.

He’ll claw his way to wherever Neil had gone in the great beyond and he’ll tell him this time. Even an eternity in hellfire being tortured next to Neil was better than a single moment without Neil.

He gives Kevin their cats.

Kevin takes Duchess and Lady (King’s daughters) and he looks at Andrew with watery eyes, “He wouldn’t want-“

“I want Neil.” Andrew had said and Kevin’s jaw clenches so hard that Andrew wonders if he cracks a tooth.

Kevin takes a large number of their pictures. More than even Matt, Aaron or Nicky had taken. Andrew watches as Kevin puts them up among the three pictures of pride of the Day household. The large framed photos of Kevin, Jean, Jeremy, Neil, and Andrew through their years winning Olympic Gold for America.

Neil’s smile is so beautiful in each photo that Andrew leaves early.

He wants Neil.

He can’t sleep right without Neil.

He had never once held Neil and slept but they’d shared a bed for years and years. Andrew can’t sleep without that precious weight on the other side of the bed. Neil’s scent is fading from the linens and Andrew struggles to find one of Neil’s shirts that still smells like him.

Renee tries the hardest to change his mind.

Her beliefs are strong as ever but when she had showed up in person to talk to him and had seen how he looked she must have realized that there was nothing she could say to convince him.

She holds him tight and she prays for him.

Then she lets him go.

Neil had been surprisingly thorough in his instructions for his funeral.

Andrew knows that Neil had often planned it out as a way to manage the stress of the whole situation with the Moriyamas. Neil had lived a decade with the threat of his own demise should he fail to give Ichirou the profits the man desired. It had been better after Neil’s accident and subsequent year spent in PT and as Ichirou’s accountant.

Ichirou had released Neil from his deal after the man had gotten his first ever tax return and had even promised to release Jean and Kevin if Neil agreed to become his full-time accountant after he retired from Exy.

Neil had agreed.

The years afterwards had been bliss and Neil had retired when his old injury made it too painful to play. Andrew had been mystified that he would have a longer professional career than Neil but Andrew had come to tolerate Exy and the money he was paid to stand in the goal and do something he was naturally good at was too good to turn away from.

He and Neil had lived comfortably, had traveled, were going to see Australia in two months to enjoy the off season.

But now Neil was gone.

Andrew laid down in the bed he had shared with Neil. He had one of Neil’s favorite shirts under his cheek and held Neil’s urn in his arms.

Neil had been very clear that he wanted to be cremated and that he wanted his ashes to be with Andrew.

Neil had left him numerous ideas on what Andrew could do with them. He could imagine Neil smiling as he found out about some of them. He wonders if Neil had smiled over his top suggestion which was a link to a website that would forge weapons, knives, out of ashes.

Andrew has not used Neil’s body.

The thought of turning any part of Neil into the the weapon that had hurt him so many times was agonizing.

Still, he knows that Neil likely put it down as an option because Neil would never believe that Andrew would actually keep Neil’s ashes close if he couldn’t be useful to Andrew in some practical way.

Neil never would have imagined that his urn was a relic that Andrew would cherish and hold onto. The ashes inside were the only thing that made it possible for him to keep going as he set all of his affairs in order.

Neil was so stupid and Andrew missed him like he would miss both of his lungs.

The drugs were kicking in.

Ichirou had reached out and expressed his sincere condolences. The man who had killed the Moriyama accountant would pay dearly but Andrew had hardly cared. A drunken man’s death would not bring Neil back to him.

Ichirou had offered him something else.

“For a nominal fee and as an act of my respect for Neil’s efforts for my family I can get you what you seek.” Ichirou had said cryptically but Andrew had understood.

He paid Ichirou and Ichirou had delivered Andrew what he needed to go and see Neil.

He wouldn’t cut himself. Neil had been so proud when he’d reached 10 years without a relapse.

The world is growing darker. Neil’s scent growing fainter no matter how he presses his face into the shirt.

He holds on to Neil’s urn.

He’ll see him soon.

***

Andrew wakes up.

He’s going to fucking murder Ichirou Moriyama.

For that insane ‘nominal fee’ Andrew should not be waking up.

His head aches and his mouth is like sandpaper, “Andrew, are you okay?” A voice that is familiar but wrong comes from his side and when Andrew cracks his eye open (blurry, is that blood) he sees Aaron, except it can’t be Aaron because he looks like he’s 20 again.

What the fuck.

[farawaysoph-ie]

The Sunshine Court Incoherent Whatever (pt.1)

Okay. Okay.

I just finished The Sunshine Court and 1) Jean Moreau what have you done to me? 2) Jean Moreau what have(n't) they done to you?

I started this, then went and re-read tkm (bc the obsession was always latent and never gone), so I could compare both Neil and Jean pov and well, suffice to say I'm not okay and I feel too much.

Thank you Nora Sakavic, it was painful and amazing.

I have a long train ride so I might as well bring back my incoherent whatever after *checks the notes* 4 years :')

As always this will be so full of spoilers.

(Unrelated spoiler: the train ride wasn't enough)

Let's start with the general:

After loving Neil maybe too much the shift to Jean took awhile to adjust to but now I'm ready to fight at least three mafia families, every single hater (fictional or otherwise) and the FBI for him

Jeremy Knox was everything, but like everyone on here, what are you hiding Jeremy?? What's going on??

Cat and Laila, my beloved ™️ the care these two effortlessly gave made me cry

This whole book was a serious trigger for me, but I'm in too deep with this series, imagine me like that Simpsons meme, I did it for my new french son

Characters, thoughts:

I said before the Ravens were a cult, but I hadn't really understood that statement. Every time Jean spoke of them it hit deeper and deeper how messed up and unfair it all was.

Boy am I happy that Riko is dead, like I didn't really wish anyone the fate of being shot by an unfeeling older brother, until Jean's pov hit me like a high speed train.

Andrew spoke exactly one word in this, still was iconic and a scene stealer, how in character for him

I forgot how much I always want to slap Kevin Day when he's trying his best to be annoying, it's because I love him, I swear! (But seriously his relationship with Jean is so complex and well executed I will think about it for a very long while)

I didn't give much thought to Renee and Jean relationship in tkm, but it broke my heart here, it's when I started to actually tear up, I love them so much rainbows, a cool evening breeze. I can't.

"Tell me something"

"Where are you now?"

The whole dynamic of the Cat&Laila& sometimesJeremy's apartment

Cat teaching Jean how to cook + motorbike ride (open roads)

Laila taking him to shopping

Jeremy wanting to make Jean Moreau the Person his success story

Neil dragging Jean towards survival without giving him a choice, again and again: he sent Renee as gentle bait, closed a deal in his name with a mafia boss, promised him he would win against Riko in his name too, promised him again Riko was dead, ordered a hit on his rapist, offered to delay the talk with the FBI, linked his sister to his name, to survival and to what he deserved. I NEED more interactions between them, I am not above begging.

I have to get a better idea on the other Trojans, but for now the policule was cute, I need more Cody and less Lucas. Like I can understand where he was coming from? But he needs to shut up now, you made your mess man, now go play Exy like you were supposed to.

I miss the Foxes :'(

Wymack! I almost forgot everyone's favourite dad-coach: he showed up, brought alcohol, got more tired, delivered care to yet another traumatized child, spent a whole day on airplanes to bring him to Los Angeles, left him money for clothes&co. bc he's not doing this again, answered his call when he was having The Breakdown. Best dad-coach ever in the history of dad-coaches.

Plot things:

Jean at the beginning was so scared and in so much pain it took a while to get a clear picture of him as a person

Still loved all his salty comments and insults, he couldn't help himself

Renee sitting with him and caring with Abby and Wymack :')

Jean being afraid of going back and of not going back to Evermore, hating the ones that got to leave

The self harm and all the people in this that fought him to keep his hands from his neck, his scars, himself

"I am Jean Moreau. My place is at Evermore. I will endure."

Jean not believing in Wymack care, waiting for the act to end and the other shoe to drop

The disbelief at Kevin being away from the court and him admitting he went at knifepoint (and meaning it literally), sometimes this was a comedy

Wymack, Jean, and the burning of houses

Jean's opinion of the Foxes going from those mediocre fools to those mediocre madmen to the madmen that actually beat Riko Moriyama

Wymack putting Jean's phone in the freezer and hating computers

“That man is years overdue for a high-speed, head-on collision.” couldn't have said it better, but Neil was already on it at that point

"Jean knew better than to look for anger in his stare; the best Kevin could manage was bottomless guilt."

“It was my only chance,” Kevin said. “I knew you wouldn’t come with me.” “My place is at Evermore,” Jean agreed, “but you did not have to slit my throat on the way out.”

“Your blind loyalty to those clowns is exhausting.” “Some of them you like,” Kevin reminded him. “Don’t you dare,”

Nathaniel "Hello Jean" Wesninski vs Jean "Go away" Moreau

This whole conversation went very differently compared to tkm: like there Neil came, dropped a metaphorical bomb, glossed over the explanation and went away trying to convince Andrew they are something

Jean was ambushed by two of his most complicated acquaintances (???) and their "pet goalkeeper" (god I need Andrew's reaction to this "nickname", but I guess no one will ever say this to his face, Neil would be too busy fighting you at the suggestion to ever repeat it), had his worldwiew turned upside down with no chance of having a say in the matter, then was left alone with Kevin Day and the aftermath.

So yes two different conversation; also I kinda forgot of the deal about Neil and his smile

“Everyone who has tried to tame him has failed.”

All for the game: a summary

There was no getting away; there was only getting through.

Jean Moreau who (hasn't) hurt you, part some of too many

What really makes it messed up is that on one hand there was Riko and his mad cruelty and on the other there was an entire team of bystanders At Best: some people were an active part and then pretended, no sympathy for them; others decided to ignore the truth to survive and get what they wanted, which I can understand but I guess they still didn't have the decency to shut up when Jean got away. The anger that crawled through my skin when the smear campaign and the notebook/postcards/magnets thing happened. You should have stayed silent until the end you fucks.

“Do it, then. It wouldn’t take much; we all know I have brittle bones.”

Jeremy pov kinda gave you whiplash, with him waking up super early, helping homeless men, but then you start noticing all the things he avoids almost effortlessly and like, what are you hiding sunshine man??

What actually broke me about his povs was him noticing all these details about Jean, and then misinterpreting them, bc whatever he's been through Jean has had it 100 times worse and this doesn't even factor in Jeremy world. I'm pretty sure he'll get the whole truth in the end and I'm scared of what it'll do to him.

Also Jean being like Ravens always had to keep secrets and then spilling most of them almost unprompted, let's laugh in order not to cry

“He hasn’t played a clean game in years,” Kevin admitted, “but he knows how to follow orders. If you tell him to submit, he will.” “Literally the most awkward way you could’ve worded it,” Jeremy said.

This will keep coming back, Kevin please. (He 100% ships it, one of us)

The Foxes catching the too tired Trojans and Jeremy being like, you are all approved (I need the two teams to interact now)

Also the Trojans being like how are they still standing, Neil how are you still running??

Someone pointed out they wanted Neil to interact with Jeans closest teammates bc if he is a madman by Jean standards, what would normal people make of him? To which yes, but also guys consider this: Neil said to Cat and Laila that they were terrifying after the semifinal, he took a step back when Jeremy opened the door and silently invited him in. I need Neil and the floozies to interact so Neil can experience real fear.

Mafia bosses have nothing on wholesome people, the true weakness of one Neil Josten

Jean immediately hanging up on Jeremy will never not be funny

When you get to the title of the book and it's Jean insulting people <3

I will Never, NEVER, get over the "nineteen". Never.

I love Abby but when she told that bit about fighting back, It Hurt. She probably didn't really mean it and didn't know everything bc how are you supposed to keep fighting when you are fifteen, alone and forsaken in a place that is built to break you? As it has been pointed out, Neil had rebellion beaten into him by a mother that chose him and ran; Jean had a sister that he hoped to protect and parents that sold him away like property. Five months were actually a long time.

Dobson keeps being iconic, I don't know what to think about the I don't know how exy works bit: I mean I've been obsessing with this and still don't know how exy works (plz don't hate me), but at the same time it was such a power move and got Jean to talk

“Of course it’d be you, you tedious malcontent.” “Good morning to you, too.” Nathaniel held up an oversized bandage.

You see why I need more of their interactions, right?

Nathaniel was different; he always would be. He wasn’t a Raven, but he was, same as Jean. He was Jean’s misplaced forever partner, an unfulfilled promise Jean had stopped believing in years ago.

You can now be forever partners while you tear down your families :)

I think that I'm stuck on the two of them bc while Kevin broke a promise to save himself (to which no hate, when dealing with madmen like Riko you have to save yourself) and still couldn't, not completely, Neil was a promise made and broken by other people. Jean hates him bc they were supposed to share a destiny and all the misery, but I think very deep down he knows that if Nathaniel had come to the Nest they would still be nursing wounds and appeasing a tyrant. Neil is the one that stood against Riko when Kevin wanted to hide, the one that gave him courage by example, the one that dragged Jean away from the Ravens, both for selfish reasons (taking down Riko) and better ones (paying him back for saving his life a the Nest).

But still

“You are only here now because you are an abominable cockroach,”

Funny how Neil forgot to tell us about the breakdown about Kevin's tattoo, he was probably thinking about the match. Junkie.

The cheese drawer guys, ???

To this day I still can't decide what was more iconic: Kevin Day switching playing hand halfway through the game and pretty much scoring everything until the last second, Neil being so fast that it made up for him being a shitty defender, Andrew crossing the court to keep Neil from being murdered (I'm biased, but still iconic moments all of them)

Experiencing this match from Jean's pov was amazing writing, like the countdown of the last ten seconds, the Riko-Neil bit without volume but from a different angle (I didn't really realize everyone was able to see the King attempting murder live on TV, but hey perspective)

Run, Jean thought. He didn't know if he was thinking it at Andrew or Nathaniel. Run.

"That wasn't a miracle," Jean typed out. "That was the Foxes."

:')

When Jean found about Riko though :'(

The shudder that wracked his chest should have been revulsion, but it fell dangerously short. This didn't feel like joy or relief; it only felt like loss. [...] Who was he without them?"

I loved that he woke up to Renee and Neil though, the rainbow and the witness

Renee always hitting the point, this wonderful girl

"Maybe you're mourning the wreckage he made of your life. You're allowed to grieve what he took from you."

"It's impressive, isn't it? How easily these monsters die in the end."

Neil Abram Josten said I'm done letting monsters ruin my life and my people, he actually promised.

When he called him Neil guys, tears

Also I found peculiar that when thinking about the room he destroyed Jean calls it "Neil's dorm room", not Kevin's who he's known for actually longer. It's what makes me think that they have a chance at not being misplaced forever anymore.

Renee either hits you with hidden wisdom of the universe or with practical and brutal advice, and we love her for that

The two of them, the Two Of THEEEEEEEEM

Jean noticed how Andrew and Neil moved like they were caught in each other's gravity, in each other's space more than they were out of it, cigarette smoke and matching armbands and lingering looks when one fell out of orbit for too long.

Just leaving this here.

The airport bit :'(

"Men like Wymack didn't exist. They couldn't; they shouldn't."

Enter Jeremy Knox and his yo-yo in the middle of said airport. Flawless.

This man was put on Earth to test Jean, at least that's what he will keep thinking from here on

The rest of this book is Jean having conversations with people and not understanding them, bc he's been living for five (seven) years in a cult. It is an escalation pretty painful to watch, I think the Trojans are all of us :'(

Question: will Jean end up teaching Jeremy French? Will Jeremy learn by himself? I think I'd probably prefer the latter

Cat, the mess, the music, the tour, I love her so much

Jeremy "he's a little off" Knox, he was trying

Barkbark von Barkenstein

Jean Moreau and the real world (bubble tea? you have to shop for stuff? you sign things yourself? you leave campus? someone help this disoriented french bean)

"Something had gone horribly wrong at Evermore"

oh Jeremy

Watching Jeremy regret almost all his questions :'(

“Three fractured ribs. Sprained LCL. Twisted ankle. Broken nose. That’s most of it.” That’s most of it.

Laila, who pushed and got angry for Jean and didn't back down despite him lashing out, my beloved

You look like a Ken doll." + "This isn't blond."

"Not Grayson.[...] Please." that one made me sick, the writing made me feel even only a part of what Jean was feeling and it was enough to feel sick

The water :'(

Jean just leaving when confronted with Laila and Jeremy in swimsuits was very bi of him

Lucas coming in looking like a well know nightmare and the Ravens dropping like flies

I didn't ask.

It's not like I didn't know, right? But I still died inside

Zane and the betrayal

Jeremy didn’t let him get away with it. “That’s not the issue and you know it. I don’t want to crowd you.” “You are not them,” Jean said. “Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.”

Jean taking one look at the doctor sent by the coaches and going nope, Dobson will be definitely better

Jeremy seeing the nightmares and the scars and not being able to do much:(

A hand on his chin startled him into looking up. When he met Jean’s eyes, Jean only said, “Focus on what’s important.” “I am,” Jeremy said. Jean opened his mouth, closed it again, and let go of Jeremy without a word. Jeremy snagged his arm when he started to turn away. “Who did this to you?”

I'm sorry did he just

“It’s not about size, anyway.” “Defensive,” Jean said, tugging his glove straps with his teeth. Jeremy straightened in indignation. “I don’t have anything to be defensive about.” Jean lost his grip and bit his lip, and Jeremy hurried on before either of them could think too much about that double entendre.

“Say ‘yes, Jeremy’.” He had the distinct impression Jean wanted to roll his eyes. “Yes, Jeremy.” Jeremy forgot everything else he could have said in favor of staring. It was the first time he’d heard Jean say his name.

Are you seeing this? Yes? Good, let's go on

“If I ever make you uncomfortable or make you feel unsafe, will you promise to tell me? If you don’t trust me enough to tell me what’s wrong and why, at least trust me enough to tell me that something is wrong. I can’t fix things if I don’t know there’s a problem. As your captain and your partner, don’t I at least deserve the chance to not be a villain in your story?”

The pool bit :'( and after when they tell there are no pools at Evermore. Riko is so lucky to already be dead :)

You’re forcing us to hurt you without giving us any say in the matter.”

Watching Jean trying to navigate his interactions with the Trojans was painful, frustrating but also hopeful. This boy has been hurt so much and so often, he doesn't get what normal looks like anymore. But the Trojans don't let him get away with it (even if it breaks their heart and the coaches will probably get a lot of grey hair from this)

"Your safety and happiness will always be more important than our season.” “You are naïve.” “Maybe you’ll define success by how we do this season, but I’m not obligated to do the same. You are going to be my success story: Jean Moreau the person, not Jean Moreau of the perfect Court. You take care of one, and I’ll take care of the other.” “That is not how it works.” “Is there a rule against it?” “There is no merit to it. This is all I am.” Jeremy ignored that and asked again, “Is there a rule against it?”

Jeremy gay panicking and the photo of Renee

The floozy line!

Every time Jeremy goes "our coaches" or "our teammates" all I can think in my head is "someone will die" "of fun!!!!"

Jean wondering if the Trojans have something against recruiting tall players xD

“Thank you for worrying about them. You’re a good man, Jean Moreau.” “A ridiculous sentiment,” he said. “I mean it,”

This man didn't even second guess himself, he had to ask because he knew and it didn't even occur to him to be silent. Excuse me sir? Shut up you are a good man

“I assumed the Trojans were idiots,” Jean said. “Now I think you are all insane.” “It’s a step up,” Cody said. “I’ll take it.”

The practices, the scars pt2

“It is all I am, Coach.”

“We did not want outsiders at Evermore.” “Except Neil,” Cat said. “Neil was a special case,” Jean allowed.

#accurate

You’re hurting me.” “It has been toward for five years,” Jean said, looking past Jeremy at the scrimmage that was still going on without them. “It is not that easy to undo.” Jeremy frowned at him and echoed, “Five? You were only with the Ravens for three.” “I moved into Evermore two years before I enrolled,” Jean said, and hauled Jeremy to one side. The stray ball that had been coming for them ricocheted off his chest instead of Jeremy’s back, and Jean scooped it up on the rebound with a quick snap of his wrist. He hurled it across the court toward Cody one-handed before finally letting go of Jeremy. “I will try harder.”

The notebooks breakdown hurt so bad bc Cat and Laila being angry for him (they are all of us), Jeremy trying to mediate bc he's been there, he pushed and Jean broke and he doesn't want to hurt him, and Jean who confesses his secrets without meaning to, just to realize and panic. What a recipe for a disaster.

“How dare they blame you for anything after what they did to you. How dare you grieve them.” It hit like a sucker punch, but Jean’s frustrated rejoinder was worse: “They don’t know.”

They don't know, but they could guess. They could smell the blood. They joked about his brittle bones. He was sixteen. I'm not sorry for the mercy I don't have after finishing this book

Jeremy could only watch in wretched silence as Jean tried to walk himself back from the edge. He cast his phone aside in favor of catching Jean’s face in his hands, and the way Jean flinched at his touch was almost his undoing. “Hey,” he said quietly. “Hey. Jean. Look at me.” Jean refused, and Jeremy grasped desperately for anything that could bring Jean back to him. He seized on the only thing he could and threw Jean’s words back at him: “You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.” It wouldn’t work, but it did. Jean opened his eyes to meet Jeremy’s stare. “I told you not to ask me about him.”

I had seen the quote before reading but no one told me what followed ç.ç

He felt a tremor in Jean’s hands, and for a blinding moment he was sure Jean would lean into the safety of this silent confession. But Jean only sucked in a slow breath and said, “Now I am not safe with you, captain.” Letting go of Jean was the hardest thing Jeremy had ever done. Everything in him railed against this, and for a moment he regretted giving Jean a way out.

I was not crying, I swear.

“I’m sorry,” Jeremy said, because he didn’t have the strength for small talk or a softer approach right now. “Did Riko break your hand?”

That was one heavy conversation and it's just the start (Jeremy is Not Fine™️)

He is not used to having a voice, and he has never had power. I cannot promise he will ever talk to you.” “I will wait as long as it takes,” Jeremy said.

Still best boy

And maybe in many ways he still was, but a martyr could still be a monster when the cameras weren’t rolling.

Boy do I have news for you (do you think Jeremy will know that Riko didn't kill himself? Does it matter? I think not knowing this particular detail would be fine, I still don't really know how much this sunshine boy can take (more than I expected but still))

Did I mention that I really love the apartment trio? Cat and Laila agreeing to silence but still being angry (drag them girls, draaaaag them), the dinner and movie and Jean not getting up to leave

Did I mention Lucas is free to shut up and play? :) Because I get that you are angry, but 1) it's not your decision to make, we don't need your conspiracy theories 2) it's not Jean problem, he has enough of them leave him alone

“Ask him why he’s so sure the rumors are true. Ask him what his part in it was. If you’re going to believe him just because he’s blood, then at least make him tell you the truth.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Lucas demanded.

And Jean still deciding not to lie, he may be an asshole but almost everyone he has known didn't deserve him

Also I don't know where Lucas got the audacity? You think there is something the justifies breaking a player's ribs?? What is wrong with you, you are part of the sunshine court

The dread when asking if Grayson was home

The bike ride :')

Now that they were settled, he expected an interrogation or a reason for this unscheduled trip out. When she failed to explain herself, Jean finally asked, “Why are we here?” “I love it here,” [...] “I don’t know. I just felt like some fresh air would do you good. There’s nothing like a ride to get you out of your head and into the moment, you know?” Jean considered that for a minute. “Thank you.”

Jean waited until he was out of earshot. “I don’t understand.” “Trust us,” Jeremy said tiredly. “Neither do we.”

Jean vs the Trojans, a summary

The monster shows up and it was a mess and Jean has never had a break, literally never

Which was extremely literal bc Lucas wanted to talk and then Neil shows up

I need a separate post for the last pages bc I started this 24 h ago and I want to do it justice. So part 2 coming.

Edit: I misspelled Jean's surname *facepalms and goes to hide*

[mollyolikeme]

Thoughts as I read TSC: A Stream of Conciousness Part Two!

Filthy Spoils!

classic kevin.

LOL keep saying i see how much you bench as if thats an indicator of someones ability to kickass

HA! i always forget about the sixteen hour days shit, i cannot, i find it too fucking funny it's fucking impossible. mfs would be DECEASED. like DEAD.

they are so hardcore this fantastical has me CACKLING every time

like a ken doll!

BLONDE.

ill advised thoughts....

uh oh jean, your crazy is showing.

goddamn. to hate but need. complicated and absolutely screwed up relationship dynamics are fascinating.

okay, i like to rag on our beloved kevin (because its fun and easy) but like props where props are due. i know we didn't get to see his transition from raven to fox but i honestly think the boy would have handled it a lot better than jean jean morose over here. boy isssssss messed up.

foreshadowwwwww SWIM SHORTS!

dangerously low? dangerous for who jean?

do not be slut shaming, lucas. thats fucking gross of you and i'm not even gonna mention the nonconsensual factor...........

oh. my. word. its not funny but i feel the morbid sense to laugh at the ravens dropping like flies.

bad therapist. you cant force it. where is Dobson?

OMG LOL i summoned her!

dont you worry about kevin babe, the foxes got him

thats two hands on chin! thats two!

he's got a big dick! lololololololol boys not tryna be gayyyy

oh the heat! the HEAT! yes jeremyyyyyyyy

fear of water.

what happens when he losses his grip......i want to see you lose control......... hi familiar phrasing and trauma, i ADORE you.

in my head, jean has a very french tsk of his tongue reaction to almost everything people do around him.

yesssss the foxes ARE synchronized.

you tell him jeremy! none of his raven intentionally injuring people bullshit

omg were gonna get a little kevin trip to cali! reunion of the abused buds! (again gotta take the morbid hilarity into account for my health)

LOL wheel throwing! Patrick Swayze where are you?!

not the self flagellating notebooks he kept.....

oooooo intense. it all comes to the surface. the truth will always come out.

this is clever, gives just enough info about the ravens without explaining the crime side of things. go nora.

okay damn lucas.... issues buddy. dont be comin after jean jean. you'll regret it.

chin grab number 3! this time by jeremy 🤩

omg cuuuuuuuute little motorcycle ride and seashell gifty

again. uh oh jean. your crazy is showing to the coaches now. this truth is really spilling out the cracks

pause.......... guys my sanity........ my INsanity upon reading this........... im losin it! ......... okay resume.

morbid laughing morbid laughing morbid laughing fuck fuck fuck

yo. to somehow make me feel like neilio's story is a positive tale................

wow lucas. doubling down are we. his character does have a very difficult truth to come to terms with. its fuckin rough and a hella interesting arc.

you should call dobsonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

OH SHIT! neil's here! Thats not good news for you jean!

fy faen neil. you're kind of a gangster babe!

oh. dead sister. so sad. (typing it out like that looks sarcastic. It's not.)

yaaaaasssss thats the smart mouth we know and love! telling an agent he parked illegally!!! ahhhhh lolololololoolol

OMG Neil!!!! sweetheart! you care so much! awwwwwwwww wow nora seriously, what. a. treat! he cares about his buddy jean.

jeremy...... you got it so bad hun. always with the 'what do you need?' like just promise yourself to him forever and ever.

CHIN!!!!!!!!!! FOUR TIMES NOW.

woah Jer.

i like that jean actually doesn't like exy. such a good contrast to neils pov obsession.

im curious where this whole 'its not freedom its a pretty cage' thing is gonna go. like, yea i dont think you'll ever be 'free' free jean. but honestly this is pretty damn close. professional athletes lives are very straight forward. and if youre that good, fuckin easy.

[nanatsuyu]

what makes you like kandrew so much?? what drawns you to them??

(not trying to sound rude or condescending or anything im just curious lol)

I really adore characters that bite and snarl at each other for the purpose of enrichment in their respective enclosures.

On a more serious note lol—other than the fact that I have A Type when it comes to pairings (davekat, edxizzy, amberprice, etc), I enjoy characters that have somewhat of an unhealthy codependency on one another. Which is the extremely general way of putting it. I like characters that are kind of doomed to the narrative to never really be sated by what the world has to offer, but their person makes up for that (not that they always recognize it as such or that it's entirely positive or sometimes even completely mutual). And I don't mean doomed in a "never amount to anything" way, but in that bittersweet tone where both of these characters, wherever they fall into each other on the timeline, are at a place where their lows sync up, and that harmonizing rattles something to the perceived tune of "we're the best we're ever going to get". Again, that's all really general for the vibes of why I was drawn to them. There's a bit more nuance for them (and the other pairings ofc).

I like that they have a deal that encompasses both of them trying to push the other into being a better version of themselves but they're both too stubborn/scared to move first because realised potential means you have to recognise it too. Kevin can't expect Andrew to try his best when he himself is not, and Andrew can't expect Kevin to show him his worth* if he doesn't bother to try in the first place. (Though I know their deal was labelled more as moriyama protection for Kevin, I think that kind of encompassed the idea that Andrew would be a crutch till Kevin could stand on his own if that makes sense)

Not to quote the ec but it's one of like 3 parts I would willingly print and eat:

Andrew is the kind of character I adore because he says this and he really genuinely means it. Keeping what little he has left of himself is a last ditch self preservation tactic because he can't get hurt if he has no hopes/expectations/aspirations. No one can let him down if he doesn't let them. But he's so wonderfully flawed in his own ruleset because he keeps doing just that in the hopes that maybe someone will be different this time . Like maybe this time someone will be right when they say he's worth it** like maybe Kevin is right and he can make Andrew see what he's been refusing himself.

I also love that their deal extends far past the deal itself. In the most basic of terms, it was: 'you go, I'll go.' Andrew didn't have to trust Kevin beyond that. But he gave Kevin his meds and trusted him not to abuse that. Kevin had even already promised to help him figure out a way to wean off them before if they could earlier (and I genuinely think his fear of Andrew getting off his meds early was both a kneejerk 'the game/my safety' reaction because Kevin has a lot riding on this semester too, but also because he knows he made his own promise to Andrew and he thought Andrew coming off his meds early might have been an obstacle even Kevin's stubbornness couldn't hurdle when it came to helping Andrew on his feet after). Likewise I have to imagine that very few people put their trust in Kevin with much of anything outside of Exy given his temperament and wallflower disinterest in team building extra curriculars. So for Andrew to willingly give Kevin his meds to hold onto that he's gotten violent over before probably created a very morbid sense of.. pride, I guess? Like I trust you to hold onto the thing that ruins me is so... clenches fist

There's also this rough handed care that comes with all of that. They're unforgivably honest with each other at the best of times and unnecessarily biting at wounds just to get a genuine reaction at the worst. But then they also have these quiet side/off screen moments that are unyielding in tenderness? Andrew inspecting Kevin's hand for injuries. Kevin covering for Andrew when he's sick on court. Andrew telling Kevin to trust him during a panic attack and that he'll take care of it. Kevin turning his entire attention away from the Raven's to pull Andrew up to his feet. Them smiling at each other first genuinely?? Being idiots on the court with playful mocking shoves that don't get heated?? Like you give me these two characters who make it seem as if their hearts will genuinely stop beating if they stop nipping at each other, and then show me that they're actually wrapped up in one another so tightly that they're rarely seen apart? And are burdened (affectionate) with the task of keeping the other from doing the very thing that drowns themselves?? Okay

Also a looooot of this is from my perspective on Andrew's perspective on Kevin since we're given a lot more to work with, but I genuinely think Andrew was the first to push back at Kevin and make him prove things to Andrew and himself. Kevin had maybe a couple people at most before he fled to the foxes. Like he had nothing other than his name and reputation, good and bad, when he showed up at wymack's door. I can't help but imagine some part of Andrew saw this as amusing but also rather tiresome when it came to seeing Kevin constantly shut away in hiding. He was so loud before, where is all that roar now? When Kevin left Jean, he really left his only friend behind (sorry Thea fans I know she's there I know). So here you have Andrew, offering a deal that becomes this codependency because being out of the nest alone most certainly took its toll for a while, and it sounds too good to be true but most things are. So Kevin snatches it up and then there's the trust in the meds and the constant presence (in the sense of comforting consistency in spite of any disagreements (but abandonment issues kandrew is a whole other post now innit)) and the care and it all looks a lot like what someone might call a friend. And I mean they could both say they're not friends till their dying day but they're the only ones they're still trying to fool.

I just like that they gnaw on the scraps that they snag off one another, these leftover cuts from failed attempts at love and kindness, and act as if they didn't hand the pieces to each other themselves in the bed they share.

—

*Andrew is worth more than his ability to play Exy obviously, but I'm working from the angle that these boys have a very limited vocabulary in how to express that given their upbringings lol ie: my absolute Favourite part of the ec:

Like again I have my hangups with some of the ec but this provides soooo much more context to their beef pre-canon and the history behind Andrew's failed recruitment. Not to mention Aaron internally calls out Andrew for blatantly lying to Kevin when he tells him he doesn't care. (I think Andrew probably holds a certain disdain for Kevin struggling to verbalize how he measures worth and how that might differentiate off the court, because that line between wanting to be told you're worth putting in the effort for versus being told it's because of your latent potential is most likely rather precarious. Shipping goggles on: I imagine wanting to get someone's attention whose love language was built up around Exy is a tad difficult even if Andrew does in fact hear what Kevin's trying to say. I also don't think Kevin's malicious in his inability to truly express that Andrew really could have everything and it's infuriating to watch Andrew self destruct.)

**And for me, this, coupled with the above conversation with Renee, really puts into perspective how agitated Andrew is with Kevin for squandering his potential. He thinks Kevin has zero self preservation skills when it comes to maybe not putting all his balls in the exy basket, but that's also why he's so drawn to him because he has this insatiable drive to live for this one thing? And yet he's not even giving it his all like he's asking of Andrew despite that? It'd be easy to dismiss Kevin's overzealous love of the game as gross infatuation that's bled into Andrew's life, but if he smothers Kevin's drive and doesn't encourage him to be exactly as he sees Kevin, this person who really can achieve these things, what is there for him? He wants Kevin to thrive, but Andrew also wants Kevin to be right and that he can thrive too.

[demo-whale]

Brosten

I wrote these hcs like four years ago and they got quite a bit of love! However, I'm cleaning up my old blog (because I decided to separate my interests a little bit) so I'm reposting them here! Enjoy!

Matt carries Neil everywhere they go together

Matt is canonically like 3x larger than Neil so it takes zero effort for him to just sling Neil into his arms

Neil LOVES it

He wasn’t ever really touched in a loving way when he was younger, and he feels really safe with Matt and it’s so goofy

They fist bump each other all the time

Matt teaches Neil about “that’s what she said” and they go OFF with the dirty jokes

They’re constantly trying to make each other laugh in inappropriate settings

Wymack never ever lets them go on press duty together because all they do is make up horrible stories in response to reporter’s questions on the fly

Reporter: Mr. Josten, you made an incredible goal in the last few minutes of the game, how did you manage to get around those backliners in time?

Neil, completely straight faced: oh i have the ability to freeze time. it’s really inconvenient for the other teams

Matt, also straight faced: yeah but he gets a hangover the next day if he does it often so he has to hold back until the end

Reporter: :(

So. Much. Shoulder. And. Back. Thumping.

They keep coming up with increasing ridiculous bro nicknames, like one day Matt will call Neil brochacho so Neil will call Matt brotato chip and it escalates so they’re calling each other like,,,,broppa gangam style and brofessor x

They get Kevin in on the bro nicknames and they like to call each other “bro exy players” 

When the girls have their “girls night” (and i firmly believe they do, every wednesday) Matt likes to go hang out in Neil’s room 

They like to cuddle and watch movies, and Nicky 100% joins them 

They go for Starbucks with Dan on Saturday mornings

(Sometimes Andrew goes with them, but Neil always brings back a drink for Andrew)

Matt is the first person on the team (aside from Andrew) who Neil shows his scars to

It’s followed by lots of hugging and promises that Neil is safe with Matt

Neil believes it

They crack each other’s backs all the time, and Neil is so lithe and little that he can actually walk on Matt’s back for him

They just like to hang out together???? Like Neil hasn’t ever really had “guy friends” and I think it’s so great that Neil lets himself enjoy close relationships with people he loves and trusts

Ugh I just love them so much they are the epitome of that bro meme. Pt. 2 being posted soon!

[read-and-write-]

Writing Roundup 2023

here they come at the very last minute doing the tag games

Thank you to @anincompletelist @littlemisskittentoes @happiness-of-the-pursuit @songliili @rockyroadkylers @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @bidoofenergy @inexplicablymine for tagging me! Even if I've been putting this off for weeks!

January

Nope

February

Not yet

March

the only heaven i'll be sent to is when i'm alone with you (M - 1.9k - The Shadowhunter's Chronicles) “You’re lying.” Ty furrowed his brows, Kit thought for a moment he had been discovered but it was impossible, as clever as Ty was he wasn’t a mind reader. “’m not lying.” “You are” “How could you know that?” “I don’t know, I just feel it” Ty shrugged, and for a second Kit just wanted to say it, to spill it out, but how could you tell the person you considered your best friend I just keep thinking how good it would feel to kiss you. or Even when the world might end the only thing Kit is able to think about is a boy.

April

I was reading actual books here

May

Nada

June

you are an idiot (i missed you)  (T- 1.6k- All for the Game) “The best, and arguably the only, good part of playing on opposing teams from your husband was getting to play a match against him. Therefore one could say that Neil was very excited about getting to play against Andrew tonight. Not only because for the first time since the season started they'd finally be in the same State and City (And later after the game, the same house) but also because Neil thought Andrew was 100% hotter when he was playing (Not that he would tell him out loud), and seeing him live was definitely better than seeing him on a screen. There was also the added bonus of the infamous Minyard - Josten Rivalry.” Or Neil and Andrew are having too much fun with their rivalry until someone else takes it too seriously, and then they have a talk.

i don't want you to be a secret (but i want them to shut up) (T- 2.6k- All for the Game) "The kiss tastes like victory, like happiness, like love. And suddenly it doesn’t matter what the press will write about them, or what the audience or the other players are thinking, because it’s their moment. It’s public, it’s loud, it’s bound to cause a scandal, but it’s theirs" or Neil is getting tired of the press writing about him and Andrew, and Andrew comes up with a way to help.

July

self-preservation (G- 2.4 - All for the Game) “You have to know something” “Something like what?” Kevin answered, his tone was hostile, but none of the other two seemed to notice. “Like, if they are…?” Jones started, letting the question hang, Kevin cocked an eyebrow, as if daring Jones to finish the sentence, he didn’t. “Not that we would have a problem with that, we are huge allies, right?” The other rushed to say, nudging the man by his side, who nodded eagerly as he added, “Yeah, yeah, huge allies” or Professional Exy players have a lot to say about Neil and Andrew, but they also don't have a death wish and no one dares to ask (Until they don't have to ask anymore)

It's terrifying to have you in front of me (and making you smile) (T- 1.3k- All for the Game) Loving Neil used to terrify Andrew, he waited for Neil to disappear, to be taken away from him, to do something that will make Andrew leave him. But he never did; Neil stayed, and he took what Andrew could give him without complaints, he waited patiently and spoke softly even if he hadn’t been built for it, he never took without permission and never ran. He made a thousand promises and he made sure he never broke a single one. A yes at a time Andrew let himself love Neil, the key, the car, the home, the shared bunk bed. The roof, the promises, the plans. The rings. The words. or A glimpse at Neil and Andrew's relationship through the years and the things that make it theirs

August

las formas de llamarte amor (M- 2.5k- Red, White and Royal Blue) Henry has been a public figure for most of his life, the reason why he’s been given dozens of titles, some kinder than others, he’s been the gay prince, the spare, the prince of England's hearts, the activist, the author. All of the titles are inevitably a part of his history, but the way Alex calls him is the most important of all. Because to Alex, he is sweetheart, amor, and corazón; Alex calls him mi vida in between kisses and whispers hermoso, lindo, precioso with his wandering hands working through Henry’s body. His name sounds better when it comes out of Alex’s lips. or 5 times Alex calls Henry a pet name in Spanish and one time he calls him by his name or Henry learns Spanish one pet name at a time

and every song reminds me of you (G- 4k- Red, White and Royal Blue) Alex can’t help but smile — Henry is not a great dancer, but the mere sight of Henry dancing merengue because of him is more than enough. His heart swells in his chest, despite the awkwardness of Henry’s movements; there’s something that’s more special about him getting to do this with him. “You know, there was actually this trend a few years ago,” Alex starts as he guides Henry’s hands to his shoulders and then positions his own on Henry’s hips. Henry hums but doesn’t look at Alex, too focused on trying to keep his feet moving the way Alex had taught him. Alex finds it adorable. “People said that you had to dance this song with the love of your life.” or Music is a part of Alex's life, just as much as Henry is, so it is inevitable that sometimes the songs remind Alex of him. (And then remind Henry of Alex)

a love to hold in words (ongoing -Red, White and Royal Blue) A Drabble Collection from The Brownstones 100-word drabble prompts

September

when she was here the path was clear (and she was just here) (T- 3.8k- Red, White and Royal Blue) Alex feels the tears prickling in the corners of his eyes, it’s as if his breath got knocked out of his chest, the pressure of grief weighing him down. He feels Henry standing closer behind him, his husband's hand hovering above his back, asking for permission to touch him. Alex moves back a little and leans his body against Henry's, closing his eyes and focusing on the rhythm of his husband’s heartbeat and matching his own breaths with his. "What do you need, love?" Henry whispers, pressing a kiss to the side of Alex's head. Alex lets out a shuddery breath. “She’s not here, Hen, she’s not here anymore.” or when Alex's abuelita dies he finds a house full of memories and stories to remember and to tell.

yo te llevo dentro, hasta la raíz (G- 546- Red, White and Royal Blue) Seeing you grow up has been one of the greatest privileges of our lives, being able to be with you in every step of the way. And we hope, I hope, if you let me, to be with you for the rest of it. Te amo. Te amamos. De aquí a las estrellas que siempre tuvieron planeado poderte conocer. Tu papi, Alex. or A letter from Alex to his daughter on her quinces

October

Y hace falta que te diga que me muero (por tener algo contigo) (G- 1.6k- Red, White and Royal Blue) “Nora, I have a very important question.” Alex says, it’s been a few hours since he got asked about him and Henry, he’s wrapping up his school day and he has not been able to pay attention to any classes because he’s been thinking about Henry. Henry and him. Henry and him dating. Dating? “No, we are not dating again. Go get someone else,” Alex realizes too late he’s been thinking out loud, his cheeks feel warm. It’s rare that he gets flustered by something like this, he’s always flirty, it’s almost second nature, and this is Nora who has definitely heard worse coming from him, but that’s the effect Henry has on him. “It’s not that!” Alex exclaims and Nora laughs, Alex takes a moment to gather his thoughts into a question. “Am I dating Henry?” Nora glares at him, her eyebrow raised. “How am I supposed to know that, Alejandro?” or the one where Alex is oblivious but no less determined to tell Henry how he feels

un hilo de pensamientos (de cosas que no se deben olvidar) (T- 2.1k- Red, White and Royal Blue) La campaña, Henry, salir del closet, los emails. Lentamente el divorcio de sus padres pasa a segundo, hasta tercer lugar. Tiene problemas más grandes, una relación, una plaza en NYU. Con cada año que pasa Alex deja de recordar las peleas, recuerda los gritos como una imagen vaga de un tiempo alejado de la persona que es ahora. Pero su cuerpo nunca las olvida; siente su sangre helarse cuando a su alrededor alguien levanta la voz, un escalofrío le recorre la espalda cuando se sienta a la mesa a comer con su familia, se le hace un nudo en el estómago cuando Henry se tarda en contestarle. O en el que Alex debe enfrentarse a las consecuencias que el divorcio de sus padres tuvo en él.

a train of thought (of things not to forget) (T- 2k- Red, White and Royal Blue) The campaign, Henry, coming out, the emails – slowly, his parents' divorce slips to second, even third place. He has bigger problems, a relationship, a place at NYU. With each passing year, Alex forgets the fights, he remembers the screams as a vague image from a time far removed from the person he is now. But his body never forgets them: he feels his blood run cold when someone raises their voice around him, a shiver runs down his spine when he sits at the table to eat with his family, and a knot forms in his stomach when Henry takes too long to reply. or Alex needs to face the consequences of his parents divorce

November

to belong to a family (even beyond this world) (G- 2.5k- Red, White and Royal Blue) “Talk to him. They listen, they always listen,” Ligia says and Henry nods, she squeezes his hand again before turning back and leaving him alone in front of the ofrenda. It's very rare that Henry has been at a loss for words when he tries to talk to his father. He has spent countless nights speaking to the stars, looking for Orion and hoping that —wherever his father is— he is looking for it too. “Hi dad,” Henry says softly, taking another look at the picture of his father, smiling at the camera. “I missed you.” or When Alex and Henry go to Mexico for Día de Muertos a familiar face appears on the Díaz ofrenda

December

Super Six and the Siren's Call (T - 111k - Red, White and Royal Blue) with @happiness-of-the-pursuit and @inexplicablymine “Alex didn’t ask to be a half-blood, and he definitely didn’t ask to die before he hit sixteen on a Tuesday morning. But apparently beggars can’t be choosers. Not that Alex had ever begged for anything in his life… Except maybe for a dog, but he maintains that was a reasonable request to ask of his parents. Well, parent.” Or Camp Half-Blood and the Super Six have never seen a villain quite like this.

This year was a crazy year, and even with everything that happened in my life I never thought I would find myself here, writing fic again, obssesing over one fandom, meeting so many people and getting so many pocket friends that I'm forever grateful for, I wish I can see more of y'all in 2024 and I hope to stay here to write my silly little words for a while<3

Take this as an open tag if you want it, but I think most people have already been tagged or already done it, i did leave this for the last... 50 minutes of 2023

[chronically-peach]

You’re On Your Own, Kid but it’s Jean

“I wait patiently, he’s gonna notice me. It’s okay, we’re the best of friends.”

Jean desperate for any ounce of attention he can get from Kevin. For Jean, Kevin is the only source of light in the nest. A ceiling full of stars in a room full of darkness. As long as he can have Kevin’s affection he’ll be okay.

“I didn’t choose this town, I dream of getting out. There’s just one who could make me stay, all my days.”

Despite being taken to Evermore against his will Jean would stay if Kevin wanted him to. Hell even if Kevin didn’t want him to. He would stay for Kevin because he would never leave him alone in the nest. They were a pair, a set that couldn’t be separated. He would never leave Kevin to feel the wrath of Riko alone.

“I waited ages to see you there. I search the party of better bodies. Just to learn that you never cared.”

The winter banquet was Jean’s chance to see Kevin again. Finally, after all this time they would be together again. As the night goes on he watches Kevin with the foxes, he sees the life Kevin has without him. It starts to sink in that Kevin was never coming back for him, he would never be saved like he had been so foolishly promised.

“I see the great escape, so long Daisy May. I picked the petals, he loves me not. Something different bloomed.”

When Jean finally is freed from the nest he doesn’t know what to do. He’s back with Kevin but it’s different, it’s all wrong. He escaped but nothing was the way it needed to be. Then he met Jeremy and everything changed. Something bloomed from a part of him he thought had died.

“From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes, I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this.”

Jean had given literally everything for Exy, for Riko. He gave his body, his soul, his mind, his happiness. He gave it all up, but he gave it all for freedom in the end. He gave it for a chance at a life that didn’t make him want to die anymore. He gave everything but he was rewarded in the end.

“I looked around in a blood soaked gown and I saw something they can’t take away.”

It’s been months since he joined the Trojans and he can’t get rid of his Ravens mindset. After so many years he was still one of them. A team change wasn’t enough to cleanse him of a lifetime of bloodshed. Jeremy is patient with him anyways. He coaxes out the softness that Jean thought was long gone. As time continues and the world doesn’t come down around him Jean begins to realize he can have Jeremy. Nobody was going to take him away. Even if they tried he would never let them.

“There were pages turned with the bridges burned, everything you lose is a step you take. So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it. You’ve got no reason to be afraid.”

Jean realizes during a mundane afternoon that he doesn’t have to be afraid anymore. His life was completely changed. He was living a reality he never thought he’d get. He was alive longer than he ever planned to be and it was magic. He lost who he used to be, he lost the only life he knew but it was all for the better. He has friends now, even if he would rather light himself aflame than admit it to them. He has Jeremy, a love that makes him feel safer than he ever has. Everything he lost was for this. Every day he’s alive he’s thankful for it. Every birthday that passes he’s secretly grateful to have aged another year. He no longer wishes to be dead.

[decaflondonfog]

shatter into you

[rated t, <1k, kevin day/jeremy knox, post canon tooth-rotting fluff]

Maybe the league at large doesn’t get it. Maybe only a very small number of people in this room — between Foxes, Ravens and Trojans — understand how big it is for all of them to be here, considering everything that has happened in the last year. Jeremy isn’t sure what the goal is behind making it a country-wide Christmas Banquet this year, but he is pretty sure no one here is pleased about it. Jeremy himself doesn’t think he gets it. He’s put some information together though, after many months of attempting to break the ice around Jean Moreau. He doesn’t need to understand it all to see how clearly uncomfortable Kevin is. Throughout the night, he bites his tongue so the questions don’t come spilling out. Aren’t you sick of people asking you about Riko? Do you flinch at quick-fire Japanese, like Jean? Would you want to come visit? If you were staying overnight, would you want to practice together in the morning? Do you… “Do you want to get out of here?”

He’s heard that before. Not outside his dreams though. Not with a very real Kevin day holding his elbow gently in his hand, not with the quirk of his mouth — not quite a smile but nearly — making Jeremy’s heart skip a beat, not with those eyes — those eyes (!), never quite this vibrant in Jeremy’s dreams… “God, yes.” Jeremy runs across the room for his jacket, comes back to Andrew Minyard’s angry whispering, to Coach Wymack’s worried eyes, to Neil Josten’s amused staring. “I’ll be back in time. I promise,” Kevin tells Wymack. He ignores Minyard and pulls Jeremy out of the room. “Where to?” he asks. Neither of them know the city, but Jeremy doesn’t mind getting lost if it’s with Kevin Day. The chatter is nervous, but easy. Jeremy talks and talks and talks, and Kevin laughs and laughs and laughs. Jeremy wants to do this forever. The bar they stumble upon is far nicer than anything he’d figured they’d end up at, but they’re both in suits and they don’t look a bit out of place amongst the low light, the cabinets full of expensive-looking trinkets covering the walls, and the quiet jazz playing in the background. Kevin insists on paying, and Jeremy is once again struck by how this must be a dream. But it’s not, because in his dreams Kevin never laughs quite so openly, never touches Jeremy’s hand as gently as he’s doing now. Kevin’s eyes go soft yet unreadable when Jeremy speaks of Jean, and Jeremy’s insides melt at how obvious Kevin’s love for Minyard and Josten is. It’s really sweet. Nothing gets Kevin talking like the subject of Exy, but it’s simultaneously overwhelming and endearing to realise that Kevin Day isn’t all Exy. As Kevin talks, Jeremy wishes he knew what falling felt like. He’d always assumed like actual falling. Alice down the rabbit hole, nothing under his feet. This feels like getting stuck in a wormhole, frozen in place by two equally powerful forces. Though Jeremy could easily let Kevin swallow him up like a blackhole. The thing is Kevin will be on his way back to South Carolina in only a couple of hours, Jeremy will be flying back home in the morning. The candlelight and the music turn Jeremy’s stomach, something out of a war film scene, the two of them slow dancing through the night, as if Kevin is getting deployed come morning. Kevin doesn’t let go of his hand when they leave the bar (Cinderella-like, clock-ticking, pumpkin-turning, mice-scattering). In the dark, Jeremy is less scared by the knowledge that he’s setting himself up for heartbreak. Kevin’s arm brushing against his is worth it. The Trojans are at their hotel, the Foxes scattered around their too-orange bus, and Kevin is pulling Jeremy away, pushing him against the wall, saying — soft and earnest — “I wish I could stay.” Jeremy (brave only under the light of the streetlamp), pushes up on the balls of his feet and presses his lips against Kevin’s, tentatively. Not a dream. Not a dream. Not a dream. Jeremy wants to do it again as soon as it ends. “Come to Palmetto,” Kevin says, just as Jeremy says, “Come to California.” They laugh. Then, “Text me.” “Call me.” Synced by wanting. Attuned by need. “Okay.” “Okay.” Jeremy only lets him go because he has to, but he knows he’ll be thinking of tonight for however long it will take until he sees Kevin again.

[ok555ficideas]

Okay, I'm on the roll with Neil's bounds with his friends so I should add Kevin to the mix as well.

(Neil has amnesia here)

When he entered the court he saw Kevin firing the set up balls in the direction of the goal. Every single one of them landed in the same exact spot. 

Before he even decided to speak he heard himself saying. “I want that.”

Kevin turned around and looked at him. “Abby let you practice?”

Neil nodded and Kevin made his way to him. “You have to take it easy. No trying to overdo yourself or you’ll be useless in July.”

Neil rolled his eyes at that. “Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m a waste of space.” He said with a wave of his hand. 

Kevin tilted his head at him in confusion. “I didn’t say that.”

“But that’s what you meant. Don’t worry, I know how you think of me. I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to practice, so let’s get to it.”

Kevin let out a frustrated sigh at that. “I hate this.” Neil looked confused so he continued. “I hate that you don’t remember.”

“Listen, I know that not remembering all the drills is an inconvenience to you, believe me I hate it too, but I’m going to learn them again. I did once before so it will probably be easier the second time around. Now quit your whining and actually help me remember them instead of just standing there and b*tching like the drama queen that you are.” 

Neil was prepared for Kevin to yell at him, to throw him out of the court or even threaten him with throwing him out the team all together. What he wasn’t prepared for was the sad expression he saw when Kevin looked at him. It was disorientating. Kevin looked like he was about to cry and Neil didn’t know what to do with that sight. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Kevin said slowly with a slightly strained voice. “I hate that you don't remember me.”

That confused Neil even more. “I do remember you.” He said slowly.

Kevin let out a frustrated sigh. “No,” he said, “you don’t, not really. You remember me as this exy-obsessed a$$hole.”

Neil raised his brow at that and Kevin continued. “Okay, that didn’t really change, but-” He started to get even more flustered by the look of him. “So are you!” He said pointing an accusatory finger at Neil. “We both are, that’s our thing, you know. We are asholes and we love exy and-” He trailed off.

They stood in silence for a minute, before Neil managed to gather his thoughts and say something that sounded ridiculous, but seemed like the only reasonable explanation. “Kevin, are we,” he said slowly, not believing that he was going to actually say the next word out loud, “friends?”

Kevin looked at him and practically screamed the next word with triumph. “Yes!” 

“Huh, that’s-” It was Neil’s turn to be a little frustrated. 

He tried to scratch his brain for some clues that what Kevin was saying was true.

“Every night.” He whispered after a long moment of searching. Kevin looked at him confused so he continued. “I asked you once if you would still teach me and you said ‘every night’.”

“Yes.” Kevin said, but didn’t elaborate.

“You promised to teach me even though we both thought,” Neil had to pause, because he didn’t actually know what the end of that sentence was.

“We both thought you were going to be de*d by the end of the season.” Kevin supplied the answer.

That was it. They both knew that it was pointless, but yet Kevin promised to practice with Neil every night. 

“I didn’t d*e, though.” He said with relief. 

Even though he knew that all of the things already happened and he came out of them on top, sometimes he was still scared and it was nice to remind himself that he survived. 

“You didn’t d*e and you are going to be Court.” Kevin said with such conviction Neil instantly believed him. 

Without realizing he put his hand on his cheek to the place where his skin was now burned, but he knew that for a breath time that spot was painted with a tattoo.

Kevin shook his head. “No, not his Court. He doesn’t matter, not anymore.” Hearing those words from Kevin filled him with excitement. “We are going to get everything we deserve, Neil and it’s not going to be because of him. It will be because of us.”

Neil nodded and put his hand down. He smiled at Kevin and gripped his racket with determination. “Then you better start teaching me those drills again.”

“You are going to pick them up in no time. Your body remembers way more than your mind does.”

That was true, but Neil wasn’t sure how Kevin knew that.

Kevin looked at him and his next words filled Neil with anger. “You pick Andrew to shreds with your words, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are more relaxed with him in the room than any other time.”

“F*ck off” Neil gritted through his teeth and went to warn himself up accompanied by Kevin’s quiet laughter.