#and everything else is making me really depressed about the cost of throwing a party your cousins are invited to.

[unopenablebox]

please ao3 i was relying on you to keep me from unwillingly haunting wedding reddit. i was going to read boromir slash fiction

[bbugyu]

how jeonghan knew

a journey with yoon jeonghan, lee seokmin, and you.

there was always something about his infectious laugh and his genuine nature that felt like fate to jeonghan, and maybe you were the muse that kept their red thread in tact.

prelude | part one | part two | part three | epilogue

wc.10662 (LMFAO) | fluff, smut, courtship, angsty in the beginning, polyamory, sugar daddy!jeonghan musician!seokmin escort!reader, hi cheol, hi gyu (again), hi boo, hi wonu, gay pining, jk he's pan probably, discovering sexuality, daddy kink, special guest seokmin!!!!!, threesome, lots of mlm, oral, cumpla, handjobs, choking, butt plugs, male penetration, there's a full on reader-less memberxmember sex scene idk, unprotected sex, please use condoms, jeonghan gets overwhelmed, the TEASING, jeonghan being a home improvement freak, don’t mind han jisung he’s just vibing, required listening is positions (2020) by ariana grande because it’s a perfect album

and here we have poly seokhan: the gayening!!! this is going to be the end of my scheduled updates for neverending artistry, but i’ll be posting an epilogue when i finish it - probably after i post a couple of other fics. this chapter.... is my fave......... i think u will see why lol. i went ahead and got a lil carried away with the house stuff but LISTENNNN i watch a lot of architecture videos ok LFJDSJ

thank you all so much for your continued support and incredible feedback on this series! it seriously means so much to me and i love seeing asks and messages from everyone telling me how excited they are to read more. i hope this satisfies you!!!

~

jeonghan is pretty sure he always loved seokmin. it wasn't something he would ever be able to change about himself, he figured, as he watched his friend date woman after woman in college with varying seriousness. he decidedly ignored any amount of feelings he harbored for the younger, especially after he dropped architecture as his major and he saw less of him. 

jeonghan tried to get over the destined musician (he would always be singing or fiddling with his guitar when he was meant to be helping jeonghan with a diorama) with several women, and after decisively focusing on his career for a couple years, he found success in another man. his short lived gym buddy, but lasted quite a bit longer as his boyfriend. they had connected first when jeonghan had offhandedly commented that he liked the logo on his shirt, to which the long lashed, broad shouldered man had said he had gotten it at the brand's store down the street, making jeonghan chew his cheek before he admitted that he had helped design that location. they connected the second time later that night, clumsily but intensely, and jeonghan liked his plush pouty lips and how his messy black hair felt between his fingers.

while that didn't last forever, he found varied success in other men, and he figured this was why dating women had always been so difficult for him. definitely not that he had been given small choice amongst the rotten apples that attended his college.

he was single again, and at an industry party when he reconnected with an old friend from college who happily reminisced about the fun their small group of friends had back then. he asked if jeonghan remembered seokmin, the guy that dropped the program.

"lee seokmin?" he asked, his brows knitting as he tried to react normally to the name, and mingyu hit his shoulder, laughing.

"yeah! guess what? that son of a bitch is teaching my niece piano!"

jeonghan smiled at the idea of seokmin as a piano teacher, nodding along as mingyu talked about how he had volunteered to take her to her lesson one week, only to be put face to face with a long lost friend. jeonghan laughed as mingyu imitated the face the other had made, laughing harder when he recognized it and remembered seeing it on seokmin's face in the past, then telling mingyu about how he had once pranked him by making the poor guy think that he was going to fail a project because seokmin had accidentally destroyed a diorama. it had already been graded, and he was going to take it apart to save on materials anyways, but the younger nearly cried when he thought he had wasted hours of jeonghan's time and cost him the grade by accidentally kicking it off his desk.

he asked how seokmin was doing these days, and mingyu told him he seemed well, and that he takes his niece to her lessons as often as he can spare, just to chat for a while. "i could give you his number," he said, feeling his pockets for his phone. "i'm sure he'd love to hear from you."

mingyu had been right. seokmin did love hearing from him. and he loved the way seokmin made him laugh with his ever joking tone and physical comedy antics. the way his eyebrows creased as he tried to keep a stern face but was unable to hide the smile across his lips. the way he always fought with him for the check despite jeonghan being older and notably better off.

he didn't love, however, how seokmin nodded his head after the waitress and asked him if he thought he had a shot.

maybe he was desperate, or maybe he wanted an excuse to not date seriously, or maybe he just wasn't ready to let go, but jeonghan continued to invite seokmin out, despite the fact that their relationship would never develop past friends who met in college. he enjoyed his company anyways, even if it felt bittersweet.

he poured himself into his work for several months, taking more contracts than usual and keeping himself occupied, only really seeing others for meetings and constructions, or when he was depressed on a friday night and caved, asking seokmin to join him for drinks somewhere. he continued this cycle for too long, his personal assistant noticing his mood changes before most.

"are you taking your vitamins?"

"yes, seungkwan, i'm taking my vitamins," jeonghan bit back, fully aware that he wasn't asking about vitamins at all, but about his state. confirming he was still making an effort to take care of himself rather than spiraling, sat in his living room on a tuesday after being told by a doctor to rest, for god's sake as a solution to him nearly collapsing several hours earlier. seungkwan shifted on his feet, tongue running over his teeth as he stared at the architect, hands folded in front of him.

"you need to stop seeing him. it only hurts you."

jeonghan sighed, staring at the black screen of his television. "i know."

his assistant studied him. "you should come out with the team sometime," he said. "we get drinks on wednesdays, usually. come tomorrow, it could take your mind off things."

jeonghan looked up at seungkwan, who was clearly sucking on his cheek. he knew he was right. more importantly, seungkwan knew he knew, but jeonghan had a hard time wanting to take his mind off this one specific thing, considering the way this one specific thing laughed like a hyena, poured himself over a piano like an ocean wave, and sang along like an angel. his head fell back on the couch, and he had to take a long, conscious breath to lower the ringing in his ears at the silence. "i'll be there next time."

seungkwan exhaled in defeat, eyes flickering around as he excused himself and said goodnight, knowing his boss was lying.

jeonghan found you on accident - put in an uncomfortable corner by an ultimatum from his publicist and the circulating rumor that he sleeps with men because he can't keep a woman around that seemed to pile on top of everything else on his plate - and the second you opened your mouth, he knew you were special.

he remembered the profile he had seen from your broker, and knew you were attending university. he asked you your major, and when you told him you wanted to produce music for a living, something deep in him stirred. you had been sitting in his car for all of twenty minutes, and you nearly had him under your spell already.

he couldn't understand his fascination with you, but he continued to book you for dates, sometimes deciding what event he would be attending by asking what day you were available that week. he figured if he needed to prove to the world that he wasn't gay (which he was, he was pretty sure), you were the only one he was interested in doing it with.

maybe he had a thing for musicians.

he had taken out quite a few escorts before you, but none of them were nearly as fun. you always did an incredible job engaging in whatever event he brought you to, but also hit his chest as you tried to stifle a laugh at something he muttered into your ear, guiding you away. his friends liked you, too, the few he had. the ones that had met you. yongsun had even tugged him aside briefly, asking if he really liked you. you seemed nice, she had said. and good, in general, but also for him. she wanted to make sure he wasn't just leading you along to quiet some stupid rumor. he glanced at you, smiling wide as you excitedly discussed music with one of his other friends (the fifth and last person he liked at this event, the two of you included), and wasn't quite sure why he told her he actually liked you, but didn't feel the need to correct himself.

then you told him you were quitting, and he realized what he would be losing. then you kissed him, and he realized what he had been feeling. then you looked at him with wide eyes, just as shocked as he was by the explosion of fireworks you had both just experienced, and he realized what he had been missing out on all this time.

he figured he must have always loved you as his eyes scanned the hotel bar, confused at how you had managed to get away so quickly. he was running into the hall to see if you had escaped to the lobby when someone caught his arm.

"hey, you seen yongsun?"

jeonghan blinked at his blonde friend, recognizing her play. "have you seen y/n?"

"try the bathroom," she said, throwing a thumb over her shoulder in the direction she had come from.

he looked down the hall at the restroom signs, nodding. "i saw her at the chocolate fountain a minute ago."

byulyi patted his shoulder as she walked past him. "good luck, yoon."

it felt good telling you the truth, while sitting in your well organized and tastefully decorated studio apartment that you had insisted he would hate, even if he was too scared to admit all of it. why he had needed you before, but wanted you now. his heart nearly beat out of his chest when you agreed to his conditions, though he recognized that he had given you just about every advantage in the deal. it would have been near impossible for you to say no, especially after the way you had kissed him before someone had finally tried to enter the bathroom you were hiding in.

for a while, he only kissed you as a farewell, mostly because he enjoyed the old school romanticism of kissing a beautiful woman in the moonlight, her back against the passenger door of his black vehicle parked on the street outside her studio apartment. then, when he had invited you to his home after the two of you had ditched a boring dinner several hours early, you had curled up in his side to watch a movie. at some point, he caught you staring at him, and you put a hand on his cheek and kissed him sweetly. slowly. kissed him in a way that only made him crave more. you smiled, settling back into his side for the rest of the movie, and even though you had done it unconsciously, the back of your hand rested against his thigh in a way he had a hard time ignoring, and he decided he must have just had real shit taste in women before he had met you. 

the following sunday, when you mentioned how pitch black the sky seemed at that late hour, having gotten caught up binging some drama, he not-so-vaguely hinted that he'd be okay with you spending the night in his bed. you eyed him, and he shrugged playfully.

"or i have guest rooms. up to you."

"i have class tomorrow," you tested.

"i can take you," he responded. "if you want."

you paused, watching him as he recorked the wine bottle the two of you had opened earlier in the evening but only managed to have one glass of each before abandoning it to cuddle on the couch. he was always so thoughtful, even in his teasing. he cared about your comfort. he wanted to maintain your boundaries. but it had been a really long time since you had gotten laid, and everything in you yearned to say yes. jeonghan's voice in your head reminded you, no expectations. this could be whatever you wanted out of it.

so you went to bed with him.

jeonghan would swear up and down that you were the most beautiful woman in the world, and his beliefs were only confirmed when he pulled your shirt off of you, dragging your pants down your legs, and got a real look at you for the first time. you felt unexplainably embarrassed under his gaze, asking if he was okay.

"yeah," he said breathlessly, a hand running up your side, your back arching slightly to his touch. he curled over you before he whispered "god, yeah, i'm more than okay," against your lips.

not even ten minutes had passed before you told him you loved him between your panting, and he was so ecstatic when he could tell you, wholly and truthfully, that he loved you, too. and after your pulses had died down and you were falling asleep in his arms, he said that if you were staying under his roof, you were not allowed in any guest rooms. that if you needed space, he would find a different bed to sleep in, because this one looked best with you in it, and he refused to have it any other way.

jeonghan never got bored with you. over time, you began going to his place after events and dinners more than he dropped you off at your apartment, becoming an often enough occurrence that he had asked you one night to fill an online shopping cart with clothes for you to keep in his closet, so you could stop this silly packing bags nonsense. he had already bought you a full set of toiletries for his bathroom, started keeping your favorite snacks in the pantry, and even gone as far as to buy you the house slippers you had offhandedly said were cute when the two of you wandered aimlessly around a mall together. you were becoming a part of his home in more ways than one, and he was happy to have you.

he offered you an unused office on the second floor when you started studying for finals on the peninsula of his kitchen counter one monday afternoon, and you asked what was wrong with you doing it where you were.

"because you're not going to clean it up," he pointed out.

"maybe if we had a rewards system," you argued. "if i clean up, i get a prize."

he laughed, rounding the small jut of countertop, thinking about how he would probably need a proper kitchen island if you were going to be sticking around. "just because i give you an allowance, doesn't mean you're a child. you're not supposed to focus on the baby part of sugar baby."

you pouted as you turned on the stool to face him, a hand gently tugging his tie to pull him into you. "what if i focus on the daddy part of sugar daddy?"

a hunger dropped in jeonghan, gazing down at you as you sat at his kitchen counter, surrounded by textbooks and notes. your eyes sparkled under the lights, and his fingers went behind your neck before he kissed you, muttering against your lips to try calling him that again, angel.

the kitchen remodel had gone about as smoothly as it could have, given the fact that it was nearly impossible to transport such a large slab of granite for his dream island without it snapping in half from its own weight, but they managed, and when the light fixture finally turned on for the first time after the new cabinet doors had been installed, he felt justified in remodeling a kitchen that had hardly needed updating. he felt even more justified when he came downstairs to find you, having woken up in an empty bed, only to have you yell at him as you flipped pancakes on the griddle of his new gas range, saying you were going to bring him breakfast in bed and if he didn't cooperate, he wouldn't see you for a week. he laughed at your threatening spatula, putting his hands up in surrender, unable to stop smiling as he made his way back up the stairs.

you had enrolled in online courses for your last year of school, mostly so you didn't have to be anywhere specific for several hours every day, and instead could keep your schedule massively open to cater to jeonghan's needs. this also meant you usually attended your afternoon lectures at his home, waiting for him to get off work and distract you.

then the two of you started attended wednesday drinks with the team. seungkwan had thanked you, though you hadn't realized that you were deserving of a thanks.

"he'll tell you when he wants to, i guess," he said, twirling the beer in his hand. "but he wasn't in a great place before he met you."

you could hear the subject of your exchange laughing further down the bar, and you wondered what kind of place he meant, but tapped your glass against seungkwan's instead of asking the question. "to better places."

he chuckled, bringing the beer to his lips. "cheers to that."

jeonghan enjoyed having you on his lap on the couch, listening to whatever r&b record you had chosen as you worked your lips against his. he nudged several kisses down your neck, and you mentioned offhandedly that there was a perfect place in his living room for a bar, pointing at the wall behind him. he pulled away from you, turning his body with an arm over the back of the sofa, and his head cocked as he stared at the wall that only held a painting. he silently agreed with you, wondering why you seemed to inspire all his recent projects as you nipped at his neck, drawing his attention back to you with a smile on his face.

the bar was finished in time to hire a bartender for a halloween party. he hadn't told the guests that it was an anniversary party, but you had been made aware of the secret arrangement during a conversation the two of you had over a private meal in your favorite restaurant the week before. 

"a threesome," you asked, hoping for clarification. 

"with a guy, preferably," jeonghan said. "but i could be convinced to approve of a girl if that's what you would like."

"you're being serious?" you seemed to find yourself asking him that a lot. every time he suggested something that he knew you wanted, you wondered if he was pulling your leg. "and you want me to choose?"

"yeah, at the party," he said, watching you shake your head incredulously with a smile on his face. the two of you had discussed the possibility in the past, and he thought it made a fun gift. an unexpected one, from someone who had enough money to comfortably gift you just about anything. "i have to approve, obviously, but you get to pick the candidates."

you thought a moment. "what if we can't agree on anyone?"

"then i take you to bed alone and we have fun anyways." 

he laughed when you squinted at him.

"if the opportunity comes up down the line, we can try again later," he said. "but i thought this would give you something fun to do while i'm hosting guests."

and it had, as you sneakily scoped out the guests, flitting around the party of both familiar and unfamiliar faces in your angelic cheerleading costume. visiting and laughing heartily with the team, as well as your uni friends that jeonghan insisted you invite, offering them more drinks, then saying something about having to play hostess so you could continue your search. byulyi and yongsun were there, and you complimented their matching rapunzel and flynn get up, jeonghan catching you for just a second to ask if you needed anything.

you settled in on one target perhaps too quickly, without even really having made an effort to see all the options. you had been struck by the same sharp cheekbones, puppy dog eyes, and crooked smile that jeonghan had once fallen for. when he saw you tucked into lee seokmin's side, recognizing your flirting even from a distance and noticing how receptive the musician was to it, his heart fluttered, and he couldn't tell if it was a good or bad thing.

a good thing, he decided, when seokmin had asked him permission before he came in you. because, seemingly, sexuality was much more of a spectrum than jeonghan had once thought, and perhaps his college crush just needed the encouragement of an incredible woman to try something a little beyond his experience, much like he had.

and when you wouldn't stop mentioning the musician the two of you had enjoyed the company of while schmoozing guests at the opening of him and his friend's collaborative art exhibit, he got a slick idea. on the way home, he told you that you weren't allowed to make a noise until he hung up the phone, but you were already writhing in the passenger seat just as the phone rang.

and when he answered, you clamped a hand over your mouth, a bare foot landing on the dashboard as you tried to grind against jeonghan's hand, his voice steady as he talked to the younger.

and when he mentioned you, your walls pulsed around his fingers, a smile finding its way into his lips as he spoke. he tried not to take too much pleasure in the way you looked at him with begging eyes and your fist between your teeth, or in the way seokmin's tone dropped as he confirmed that he would get a cab, but he truly couldn't help himself when he made eye contact with seokmin as you sucked him off, his hips canting into yours recklessly, forcing seokmin to break the contact as he reacted to your moan on his cock. 

he noticed the way seokmin's hips began to move on their own, begging for enough control to chase his nearing high in your mouth but having it brought right to his doorstep instead. jeonghan felt your perfect heat cling to him in reaction, and before he could think to stop himself, he pulled you into his chest by your throat, not daring to let you claim it all as he lapped cum from your mouth. you whimpered against him, your orgasm lasting impossibly long as he fucked into you, getting milked by your needy walls.

when he caught seokmin staring directly at him, he grinned and wiped the back of his hand across his chin and lower lip, languidly licking any escaped cum off it, and asked if he wanted to try his, too.

seokmin agreed, nodding shakily before jeonghan massaged at your sides, pumping himself into you a few more times. he told you to give seokmin's mouth a ride. you groaned, his cum dripping down your thighs.

jeonghan watched the younger's cock twitch as you moaned over him, one hand on the wall and the other on his scalp, his fingers digging into your thighs. he stared at how it never lost hardness. he didn't even realize that his hands were on seokmin's hip and thigh before he even asked if he could touch him, but a large hand left your thigh to shakily bring jeonghan's to his thick cock, answering the question despite you occupying his mouth, his fingers lingering over jeonghan's as he pumped his length.

he couldn't deny that how badly he wanted to fuck seokmin, but he could settle for making him cum in his hands until he was ready for something more, especially with the surprising amount he had to give after already having cum once. he let himself indulge in a single lick across seokmin's sensitive slit - though it was hard to stop there - triggering a garbled moan before he left to shower.

a week or so later, jeonghan asked you if you were interested in dating seokmin. you put your phone down and rolled over in bed, propped up on your elbows as you asked him what he meant.

"i love you," jeonghan assured, pulling you to lay closer to him. "and i can tell you like him."

you studied his face. "but i'm with you."

"that doesn't have to stop," he said, smiling at you as he tucked a hand behind his head. you eyed his arm briefly, then refocused on him. "but you know how things get in the winter, and i would be okay with you trying things out with him while i'm busy."

"you're being serious?"

jeonghan laughed at the familiar question. "yes, y/n, i'm being serious. i know you want me, but i also know you want more than me."

you had never told anyone about your desire for multiple partners, not even admitted it out loud to yourself, so his candid assessment caught you off guard. "how did you-"

"just little things you've said," he teased, leaving you to question how much you had revealed about yourself without realizing. "besides, no one can deny the chemistry."

you paused. "boundaries?"

"just tell me," he said, putting his arms around you and tugging you into him. "i just want to know when you're seeing him. and, eventually, i would like to be invited every once in a while."

"invited to dates?" you asked, throwing a leg over his lap to straddle it as you laid over him. "or invited to bed?"

he smiled up at you, hands running over your rear. "either. both. whatever you two want."

you agreed, but only after you made him promise he would tell you if anything changed for him. that he had to tell you about every doubt and worry he had. "i'll always choose you," you stated plainly, lips brushing against his as he gently rolled his growing length up against your clothed heat. "no matter what, i'll choose you."

"i know, sweetheart," he said, a hand on your cheek as he kissed you. "i promise."

after he came back from a business trip in december, you admitted to him that you and seokmin had exchanged i love yous, and he just put an arm over your shoulder and turned down the volume on the tv, telling you that he was pretty sure he loved seokmin, too.

"it was him, wasn't it?" you asked, studying his profile. "he was the guy you couldn't get over?"

jeonghan rubbed his face with one hand, sighing. "yeah, it was him."

"why didn't you say anything?"

he thought a moment. "i didn't want you to feel obligated, i guess."

your fingers straightened the seams of his long sleeved shirt across his shoulder. "obligated to win him over for you?"

"obligated to love him, too."

"jokes on you," you giggled. "he's very easy to fall in love with."

jeonghan supposed that was true, thinking of how quickly he had fallen for him, even back before he had admitted he liked men. how he had fallen into the same spot even years later, just over a shared meal and a few bottles of soju.

but you were easy to fall in love with too, he thought, remembering how he hadn't even understood his feelings towards you until you had kissed him, but he had felt them strong enough to want you to stay by his side anyways. maybe jeonghan just fell easily, but maybe he was lucky enough to have found his people at such a young age.

you settled back into the crook of his arm and asked him what he thought about seokmin coming over to join you two for christmas. while much of the world celebrated with family, it was more of a hallmark holiday in korea, often times spent with a long time sweetheart or a budding romance. or both, in your case, jeonghan supposed, when you were distracted trying to find the third christmas music lp you had specifically gotten for the occasion (out of eight, of course, because you didn't want to run out of christmas music). he was leaning against the tasteful home bar that had been hardly touched since halloween when seokmin shyly admitted that he knew jeonghan was interested in him.

he said nothing for a moment. "she told you?"

"kind of, back when you were in japan, but-" seokmin paused. "i think she was just suspicious, but i should have known. you were always too kind to me."

"not too kind," jeonghan said, hiding behind his wine as he sipped at it, trying not to show his embarrassment.

"i think i'm interested, too."

he looked at seokmin, who was staring down at his hands. "are you sure?"

"i'm-" he paused, catching jeonghan's eyes for only a second before scratching the back of his neck. "i think so. i've never even thought about doing anything with - uh - men. until you."

"that's okay," jeonghan said, looking to where you were flipping through records. "i didn't like women until y/n."

seokmin faltered. "wait, really?"

he nodded, a small smile on his face. "i thought i was gay. turns out i'm not."

"but you-" the musician stretched his jaw. "weren't you kind of a player in college?"

he almost said something about how having sex to meet an end and keep an appearance was different than enjoying it, but stopped himself when you announced that you had found the lost record, switching the lps with a flourish and setting the player again. and while he was curious about the level of seokmin's interest in him, he was happy to leave the conversation where it stood when you excitedly rejoined them at the bar.

"do you think i could be a bartender?" you asked, leaning over the counter and grabbing an unused shaker.

"probably," seokmin said.

"for sure no," jeonghan laughed.

you pouted at the latter, holding the shaker between your hands as you directed your attention to the former. "thank you, seokmin. i appreciate you encouraging my dreams."

"any time," he joked.

jeonghan rolled his eyes. "what about that music degree i'm paying for?" he asked, taking another sip.

"just because you've known what you wanted to do forever, doesn't mean everyone does. maybe i'll change my mind." you tried to spin the shaker in your hand, but the force you used was too little and it stopped on your palm too quickly, clumsily clattering to the counter. you stilled it, exhaling sharply when jeonghan giggled beside you, looking to seokmin. "he might be right."

"it's almost like i know you," jeonghan teased, nudging you. "she was convinced she could become my personal bartender for all of two weeks."

"i tried," you whined. seokmin laughed. "the tricks are harder than they look."

"and you hated shaking drinks."

you put the shaker back, defeated. "the ice made it cold."

"isn't that the point?" seokmin asked.

jeonghan smiled at you. "you're lucky i like wine."

"i'm gonna talk to you now," you announced, turning your body to seokmin. "because you're nicer to me than he is."

"aw," the architect chuckled, and seokmin watched you react to a squeeze at your butt. "did he make you soft? can't take my teasing anymore?"

you ignored him, trying to ask the man in front of you about his lessons, but you yelped when his hand firmly landed on your ass, grabbing seokmin's arm in reaction. he looked at you, seemingly just as shocked, and you tried to continue the conversation, but jeonghan's hand didn't leave, and your entire body was reacting to the way it was slowly hiking up your skirt and running between your thighs.

your eyes fell shut, and you muttered for him to cut it out as your grip on seokmin's arm tightened, but jeonghan just made eye contact with the other male, asking him instead if he should.

without thinking, seokmin shook his head and put his hands on your jaw, pulling you in to kiss him. your moan against his lips was involuntary, and jeonghan grinned as his fingers ran over your core, making you whine.

"did you tell him?" you gasped out, asking seokmin with hooded eyes. he shook his head, saying that he hadn't told him everything.

"told me what?" jeonghan asked, interest piqued as he put down his glass, pulling his hand out from your skirt and placing them on your hips instead, squeezing gently as he stood behind you, and your head fell back into his shoulder without much intention as you licked your lips. "seokmin?"

he pulled his gaze, trained on your mouth, to look at jeonghan, and he felt his breath stop in his throat as he fully processed the sight in front of him. you gasped again, as jeonghan's hand came up to knead at your breast, and you tried to pull seokmin closer, but he didn't stop moving even when he was pressed against you.

jeonghan thought he might faint. he wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but when seokmin's hand found the back of his neck and pulled him over your shoulder, his mind went blank. when his lips found his, his vision went white. when he felt his tongue against the inside of his teeth, he couldn't help but moan, one hand gripping your waist and the other aimlessly tugging on seokmin's shirt, seemingly just to hold something that belonged to him.

"fuck, okay," jeonghan breathed, staring after the musicians lips even when they left. you giggled, recognizing the feeling. "okay," he repeated. "got it. understood."

you spun around, hands on jeonghan's chest. "we prepared something for you," you said, and seokmin's cheeks and ears were bright red when he sheepishly nodded with you.

jeonghan looked between the two of you, swallowing suddenly. "what?"

you tugged on his hand, then grabbed seokmin's, too, when he didn't move right away, leading them both to walk around the couch. you pulled jeonghan onto the cushions with you, kissing him briefly before he realized someone was between his knees. when he saw him, that was when jeonghan's dick woke up, suddenly realizing what was happening.

"be nice," you muttered against the shell of his ear, your hand running down his torso. "it's his first time."

seokmin's hands were strong but gentle, and despite never having touched a dick that wasn't attached to him, he knew what felt good. he needed a bit of guidance from you to begin, less from lack of knowing the process and more because he was nervous, but quickly found a comfortable rhythm. jeonghan sighed when he finally got pulled out of his pants, and you were sucking a mark into his neck, his arm wrapped around you and his hand kneading at your rear. his eyes could hardly stay open when seokmin ran his flattened tongue up the underside of his cock.

"isn't he pretty?" you asked, whispering, a smile on your lips. 

he groaned, threading his fingers behind seokmin's ear, desperately trying to hold back his release because he hasn't even put you in his mouth, yet, jeonghan, for god's sake, keep it together. the younger's eyes flickered up to his, and he nearly came just from the feeling of his soft lips around his member, sinking slowly.

"fuck, you're too good at this," jeonghan said, the half chuckle on his lips falling quickly when seokmin's tongue ran over a vein, the warmth of his mouth feeling like heaven. his teeth bit down on his lower lip, watching your hand run through seokmin's hair. he hummed at the contact, his grip tightening slightly, sending a jolt through jeonghan's system. "fuck, i'm gonna cum already."

"there were lessons," you giggled, your hands wrapping casually around his neck. his breathing hitched, eyes falling shut, focusing on the mouth sheathing his cock as he recognized your fidgeting fingers over his pulse. "merry christmas, daddy."

he inhaled sharply right before you squeezed at his throat, and he thought that he should maybe let you lead more often if it was going to feel this good. seokmin seemed surprised by the feeling of jeonghan cumming in his mouth, but he did his best to pump every drop from him, swallowing thickly. you only smiled when jeonghan sat up, leaving you behind as he pulled seokmin's face to his, his hands running up jeonghan's thighs as he kissed him.

jeonghan decided the sunroom extension was all wrong, and that he'd have to redo it.

"you just built that," wonwoo said, having been the contractor that oversaw the construction. "besides, it's snowy season, we can't do outdoor construction. you'll have to wait til spring."

"not outdoor," jeonghan said, rolling out the drafting papers he had drawn up over the course of his new year break, the final pieces being completed in the wee hours of that morning. he had sent wonwoo a text as soon as he thought he would be awake, asking for a meeting despite it only being two days after the new year. "the shell can stay the same, we just need to build indoors. besides, i need this done in february."

wonwoo blinked at him. "when in february?"

"it has to be fully furnished by the 18th."

the contractor laughed at the deadline, only a month and a half out, as he looked over jeonghan's drafts. it would be a tight schedule, considering the structural changes he wanted, but he recognized his long time work partner's determination and knew there was little he could do to argue. "okay. let's get to work."

he turned down a contract for a café to make time for the new home project, but not before recommending they contact a kim mingyu, giving him the vaguest thank you for introducing seokmin back into his life. he didn't have time to draw several attempted variations of every café he had ever designed, he was too busy mapping out the logistics of adding a lofted space to the two story sunroom. too busy planning to tear out the outer wall of your office and picking the right sliding glass doors that would lead to the loft. you had to ask him several days in a row before he finally told you what he had planned.

"a music room?"

he tried to gauge your reaction. "is it crazy?"

you broke out into a smile, studying his design, gripping the mug that held your latté that morning. "absolutely, but i love it."

he asked you to help him pick instruments, saying his wishlist included a white grand piano and three to five guitars that could be displayed together. he also told you to pick out your dream computer setup for production - you were graduating that year, afterall, and it was about time you started using something other than your laptop and a midi controller to make music - and you almost started crying from how fucking excited that made you.

hiding the plans from seokmin was the hardest part, especially when he started spending weekends at the house. he saw the construction area often, and one friday afternoon, he had even asked if he could help, leaving you to usher him away and assure him that jeonghan didn't like help when it came to these things. he believed the white lie, allowing you to distract him with the option of watching shit television in bed, even convincing him that tonight was the night to surprise his new boyfriend. seokmin laid in bed with his arms wrapped around you, trying not to move too much, fully aware that even the slightest movements in his body caused his dick to come to life, until the last of the workers left and jeonghan appeared, asking if there were dinner requests before he went to take a shower.

seokmin had been training with you for over a week. you had bought him some toys, even helped him try them out in the comfort of his loft, and he got increasingly excited - generally, but also in those moments - to show jeonghan what he had learned. the surprise he had been keeping had already made him beg you to cockwarm him as he waited, but you refused on account of knowing him, and by extension, knowing that he would not being able to stop himself. he had a bit more confidence, though it may have only been fueled by horniness, when he pulled the vaguely sweaty architect toward him on the bed. he tried to say something about how he should really wash up, but seokmin just kissed him, hands gripping around his skull in desperation, his dick already hard against jeonghan's pelvis.

jeonghan's hands wandered, as they usually did, and when he reached down to palm at seokmin's ass, he reacted in a way that earned him a questioning glance.

"we - ah-" his eyes shut, jeonghan's hands getting closer to his surprise. "she's been helping me-"

and that was when he felt it. the small, hard handle of a plug, situated between seokmin's perky asscheeks, easy to feel through the loose fabric of his shorts, and jeonghan felt his arousal tenting his pants just from the concept.

jeonghan hadn't even noticed your movement off the bed until a bottle of lube hit his leg, looking down at it briefly before looking to you.

"i'm gonna go clean up," you said, running a hand through your hair as you retreated to the bathroom, leaving jeonghan with an already flustered seokmin. 

before long, he had him on his back, naked, and finally got to see how sweet his little ass looked when jeonghan pushed his knees towards his chest. when he saw the black knob fitting tightly into his hole, he groaned, his own bare cock flinching in need. he put a hand on seokmin's dick, gripping it lightly, then put a thumb against the plug.

"nngh- fuck," seokmin stammered, fingers gripping at the bedsheets as his neck stretched out against the pillows, bucking into the hand wrapped around him. "j-jeonghan…"

"this is cute," he said, slowly moving his thumb in a circular motion, the plug's movement making seokmin let out choked moans. "but i really need to play with you now."

seokmin nodded, hurriedly, brows knit together. "please."

he hooked his fingers under the knob of the plug, slowly pulling it out and relishing in the reaction. the younger's back arched in a way that jeonghan wished he could see from every angle, knowing that the way his shoulders and back looked must have been incredible, but satisfied by just watching the way his mouth hung open and his eyes clamped shut, his fingers gripping at jeonghan's hand where it stayed on his dick.

he began to pump the dick in his palm, setting aside the plug and grabbing the lube, popping it open with just his left hand and quickly squirting a healthy amount onto the tip of seokmin's penis, making quick work of spreading it completely over the engorged member, the slickness making him moan even louder and reach out for jeonghan's shoulders.

he let seokmin tug him over him, kissing him briefly before looking down at where the younger's thighs spread over his, wanting nothing more than to just fuck him already.

jeonghan's hand left seokmin's cock, leaving him whining against his lips, but it was short lived as his lubed fingers slid down to his puckered hole.

"seokmin," he muttered, studying his face. "you're sure, right?"

"fuck, i've been wanting this for since christmas, jeonghan," he sputtered out, eyes barely able to focus when there were fingers teasing his entrance. "yes, please, i'm sure."

jeonghan slid a digit into the tight hole, watching seokmin's face as his brows creased and his head fell back, a moan tumbling from his lips. another finger, jeonghan decided, and the reaction was similar, making him smirk.

"god, you're ready, aren't you?"

"please," he begged. "i want you."

jeonghan sat back, and the musician got on his elbows to watch as he readied his cock with lube, putting more on his finger and spreading it around seokmin's hole. he whined when jeonghan placed the head of his dick at his entrance, tugging him over him again.

"i'll go slow, okay?" jeonghan assured him. "tell me if i need to stop."

seokmin just nodded, eyes trained on his, and they locked lips as jeonghan pushed his hips forward slowly, the man under him immediately moaning and huffing against his mouth.

jeonghan really liked sex with seokmin. he also really liked sex with you. but he was pretty sure he liked it the most when you were both present.

seokmin didn't walk right for a day and a half, and while he was slightly embarrassed, you told him it was a badge of honor he should wear proudly. afterall, he had done the same to you on halloween. 

"how's your butt?" you asked when he came down the stairs, the sunday morning after they had done the deed without you, making him choke out a laugh as you got his tea out of a cabinet in jeonghan's kitchen.

"better than yesterday," he said, gingerly seating himself at a stool. "but not as good as friday."

you eyed him. "before or during?"

seokmin thought a second. "both."

"good morning," jeonghan said, quickly planting kisses on the man and then you, cheek and lips respectively based on the convenience as he walked past you, making his way to the espresso machine. "i think i'm gonna work on the sunroom today."

"today?" you asked. "wonwoo's gonna say no."

"wonwoo isn't getting invited. i still have to find furniture," he said, rinsing out the espresso shot glass and wiping down the portafilter. "we're getting close to deadline, i need boo to order the upholstery job on tuesday and i have a meeting tomorrow."

"when's deadline?" seokmin asked, wondering why he had one for a home project.

jeonghan blinked at the wall, not even turning towards the younger. "don't worry your pretty head about it."

you pouted, closing the short distance and wrapping your arms around him, your chin on his shoulder. "it's sunday. can't we cuddled puddle?"

"you mean like we do every night?" jeonghan asked, but grinding espresso beans so you couldn't answer the rhetorical question, packing down the grounds. "if you want to cuddle puddle, don't get out of bed so early."

you huffed as you dropped your arms, leaving him to prep a glass for his americano. "whatever. seokmin and i will have fun without you."

"what kind of fun?"

you stick your tongue out at him, using a teasing voice when you said "wouldn't you like to know."

innocent fun, was the truth, but you thought it was a victimless bluff. you spent the morning sitting on the couch with seokmin while a record played, discussing everything from your favorite movies to your weirdest dreams. you had to get up every six songs or so to flip or change the record, but seokmin liked that every time you rejoined him on the couch, you got closer to his side until you were eventually snuggling into his side, arms wrapped around his torso.

the innocence stopped when jeonghan emerged from his study, joining the two of you for a break. he planted himself on the other side of seokmin, under his arm, letting his hand not-so-subtly run over his thigh. you noticed the contact, peeking around to jeonghan.

"what kind of break are you looking for, hannie?"

he adjusted. "an inspiring one."

you giggled, recognizing the euphemism he used whenever he was stuck on something for work as you leaned back again. "that means he's horny."

seokmin sputtered out a laugh, jeonghan chuckling at your direct observation. "it's hard to not think about you two sitting out here, having fun without me."

"you may not believe it," seokmin said. "but i don't think sex was even on the table for us two today."

jeonghan's eyes met his, and he swallowed harshly. "can it be on the table for all three of us?"

the comfort of returning to bed was hard to deny, especially when they had you laid out against seokmin's chest as he was pressed against the headboard, his mouth attached to your neck and his fingers twisting a nipple, all while jeonghan was digging his digits further into you with his tongue flicking against your clit. 

seokmin grunted, rutting his hips against your back. "fuck, he looks good there."

you gasped, nodding, biting at your lip as he kneaded your breast, your fingers digging into jeonghan's hair. "you both do."

jeonghan never struggled to pull you apart, his deft fingers and teasing lips making you squirm and moan until you were shaking, mouth hanging open as your vision blurred and he told you you tasted like candy.

"minnie," jeonghan prompted, making the younger sit up with you whining against him to clean your taste off his fingers. his dick throbbed in need, watching the singer's agile tongue against him, wishing it wasn't just on his fingers.

seokmin had to practically beg jeonghan to fuck him again, but his only hesitation was that he may not have recovered yet. seokmin  was on his back and gripped at jeonghan's thighs, urging him forward as your hand twisted around his thick, throbbing cock.

jeonghan swallowed, pausing despite being covered in lube and in position. "you're sure?"

"yes," seokmin said, gasping at your hand on him. "jeonghan, i appreciate you asking, but i'm always sure when it comes to you."

you weren't sure you had ever seen jeonghan blush like that in bed, and you smiled against seokmin's neck as he groaned, his cock firming in your grasp as the older pushed into him. you admired seokmin's silent scream, his head lolling to one side at the feeling.

"angel," jeonghan sighed, settling into the way seokmin squeezed around him. "what do you wanna do?"

you teased a thumb over seokmin's slit. "i wanna ride."

"f-fuuck-" seokmin panted, his hips resting against jeonghan's spread thighs as his knees hung to either side. "i'm not- nngh- gonna last."

"you don't have to," you said matter of factly, adjusting to straddle his torso. jeonghan winced, watching your form as he pumped into seokmin. "we're done when daddy says so."

you put your hand, palm up, over your shoulder, and jeonghan chuckled at the recognized motion for him to spit on your fingers - usually, so that you could slick his dick to sit back on it. you worked jeonghan's spit over seokmin's engorged cock, then slowly lowered yourself onto him.

seokmin stared up at you, eyes fluttering and mouth open, suddenly not only feeling impossibly full, but also absolutely stuffed into you. he moaned out loud when jeonghan bumped into his spot, overwhelmed by the simultaneous pleasure. you fell forward onto his chest, holding yourself up with shaky arms as your face hovered over his, both of you trying to hold off your own demises.

then, jeonghan pushed himself deep into seokmin, who whined, his dick pushing up against your cervix. you nearly collapsed, whimpering as your forehead fell to his, gasping into a desperate kiss. jeonghan groaned, his hand running over your hip as he looked at the intersection of you all, staring at the way you barely contained all of seokmin before he leaned forward and kissed your spine.

"you two will kill me," he said, one hand holding you firmly at your waist while the other gripped seokmin's thigh as he picked up his pace. you both moaned, fingernails digging into the plushest part of your thigh when seokmin questioned how much longer he could hold out at jeonghan's unrelenting pace.

a long, high pitched whine fell from his lips. "fuck, i need to cum," he rushed out, bleary eyes barely opening as he looked at you.

"hang on, baby," jeonghan said. "ladies first."

you babbled against seokmin's lips, somehow never being able to get used to the way he filled you, though jeonghan pushing him into you didn't help. you could do nothing but repeat curses in increasing pitch, pushing your face into seokmin's neck as your walls clamped down around him. his mouth gaped, desperately trying to not succumb to your plush insides before he got the okay.

jeonghan smiled at how seokmin tried to focus on him, despite his hands gripping you as you shook against him. "go ahead, baby."

so seokmin went. and god, he went, coating you internally, immediately squeezing out around his stuffed cock and onto his lap, making jeonghan pant as he kept his hips moving, chasing his own end. he leaned forward, chest pressing against your back as he fucked into seokmin, not stopping until his eyes were clamped shut and he was painting his walls white.

there was a long period of time where none of you moved, then another after you had all managed to untangle from each other. jeonghan sat back, leaning against a hand and scratching his brow as he breathed heavily.

"bathtub cuddle puddle?"

you laughed, chest heaving as you looked over to him, but it was seokmin who spoke. "that sounds nice."

he started to get suspicious when his birthday got closer.

jeonghan told you to suggest a dinner outing for that night to divert attention, but he had caught you moving one of the guitars for the music room only a few days before his birthday, and he looked at you with squinted eyes when he asked if it was for him and you hurriedly said no, hiding the guitar behind your back despite him clearly being able to see it. 

"i panicked," you told jeonghan, eyes wide. "he saw it in me. he could tell it wasn't just the guitar."

"it'll be fine, y/n," he said, pushing around potted plants until they satisfied him. "he has to think it's weird that we haven't let him see this room yet, anyways."

you chewed your cheek, looking around the almost completed sunroom. the tall windows showed the light snowflakes falling from the sky, not quite thick enough to leave a layer but enough to make the enclosed yard look slightly pastel. despite the open space that looked out into the cold seoul winter, it stayed cozy, heat radiating from the floorboards and the faux fur rugs laid across them. the space near the entrance had a raised floor with a grand piano, along with several guitars hanging upon the wall, while the area partially covered by the balcony had two heavily cushioned, dark heather gray couches and a bright armchair, adorned with pillows and cable knit blankets.

jeonghan had a slight obsessive nature when it came to his home projects. he was meticulous with contracts, too, but he truly wanted this house to be perfect - not just for him, but for the people he loved. so you watched him rearrange pillows about four more times before you ran up the stairs to the loft to see if he had changed anything there since you had looked the day before.

it almost felt as though it was outdoors, with plants hanging off the edge of the railing and the rustic desk he had originally picked for your office placed to one side. you imagined doing schoolwork here, fantasizing slightly about watching seokmin play piano from your vantage point as you wrote essays. you slid open the glass doors to peek into your new office.

he had painted the walls white, taking a hint from the styling in your own apartment when he picked out a neutral toned couch and light wood shelving, your early graduation present of a computer set up spread across an L shaped desk. he had even paid to have your upright piano moved here, and cut into the next room over to give you more space for an electric drumset. you couldn't help but smile, imagining your friends coming over to record stuff with you. you had always felt strange about inviting them to your rich boyfriend's house, despite him insisting they were welcome, but he had really gone through the trouble of making a room so perfect for all of them that you had no choice.

and it was brighter, you thought. you had told him you worked better in bright spaces.

despite jeonghan's promises, the music room renovation felt like it was as much a gift for you as it was for seokmin. though, maybe he couldn't help it, when the reasons he loved you both overlapped so much.

you went to seokmin's apartment the next day with a bagged gift for him, arriving again right as his client was leaving, and you smiled at the same young man you had seen the first time you had come to visit seokmin. you knew his name now, not because you had spoken to him much, but because you had been told about him by his teacher, and you congratulated him on getting a gig the upcoming weekend.

"oh," jisung said, glancing between the two of you. "he talks about me?"

you laughed and gave him a fighting, seokmin looking upwards to hide his embarrassment as he ushered his student toward the door. "have a nice week, jisung! i'll try to be there this weekend," he said, throwing you a look as you giggled. 

"it's not for guitar, you don't have to come," the younger assured. "but if you want to, bring your girlfriend!"

"yeah!" you said, putting your fists on your hips. "i'm getting you dinner for your birthday tonight, the least you can do is take me to an underground rap show!"

"okay, both of you, no more talking," seokmin said, trying and failing to prevent jisung from stopping in his tracks at the news that it was his birthday.

"woah, teach, happy birthday!" he laughed. "you weren't gonna say anything?" he kept talking even as his teacher pushed him out of his apartment.

you couldn't stop grinning when the door closed, seokmin turning to you. he pointed at you, trying to hide his smile as he could only get out a vaguely annoyed "you."

"happy birthday, baby," you said, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him into a kiss. he softened against you, smiling as you pulled away, his hands on your waist as he thanked you quietly.

"he asks about you a lot," seokmin said, joining you when you laughed at the fact. "i think he has a crush on you."

you rolled your eyes. "stop bragging about me, then."

"i don't brag," he said, smiling into another kiss. "i just tell the truth. i can't help that you're a dream come true."

you only pulled away from him to grab the two thick paper bags that you had set on his couch. "c'mon, we gotta head out. open your presents."

seokmin's mouth dropped open when he saw the logo on the bag. "wait, you didn't."

"i had to," you said, giggling as he grabbed one and tugged it open, moving to the couch to pull the garment out. "you said you wanted it."

"where did you find one?" he asked, staring at the corduroy parka from the brand you saw him wear constantly. "they've been sold out for weeks!"

"i got it before then, duh." you poked his cheek when he pouted at you, his eyebrows knit. "there's more, stop getting distracted."

seokmin hugged you extra tight as a thank you for his romantic crown haul, and he decisively pulled on the golden yellow shirt with the pizza on the back, making you grin at how perfectly jeonghan had predicted his thought process before you dragged him out of his apartment to go get dinner.

"we're just picking it up," you said, jangling a keychain. he gave you a quirked eyebrow, and you giggled, pulling him over to jeonghan's car. "do you wanna see it self drive?"

you pushed the side door closed with your butt and called out to jeonghan, saying the birthday boy was here. seokmin took the pizza boxes from your arms and put them on the kitchen counter as jeonghan walked around the stairs.

"well one of us has to change," jeonghan said facetiously, and seokmin looked down at the yellow shirt peeking through his half zipped parka, looking back up at jeonghan, who was wearing the same shirt.

"wait wait wait," you giggled, turning around to undo the zipper of your own jacket, pulling it open as you spun around to reveal that you, too, were wearing the shirt.

seokmin looked between you two with wide eyes, his eyebrows creasing. "you got us matching shirts?"

"pizza shirt gang!" you giggled, stripping off your jacket. "do you like them?"

he smiled into a disbelieving laugh. "how did you know i would put it on?"

"because we know you, minnie," jeonghan said, reaching for his hand after he took off his new coat. "before we eat, i finished the sunroom today, wanna see it?"

"hang on," seokmin stopped, making his hand fall from jeonghan's. "that's not the gift, right?" he looked at you. "the sunroom isn't the gift?"

you pursed your lips, looking at the ceiling, and seokmin started to argue, making jeonghan laughed. "who cares if it's for you, i just want you to come look at it."

jeonghan is pretty sure he always loved seokmin. it wasn't something he would ever be able to change about himself, he figured, as he watched his lover cover his face with his hands, sinking to crouch on the floor as his eyes looked around the large room that was lit by fairy light. the first thing he had seen was the piano, which made him gasp, then he saw the guitars, and looked at your smiling face, suddenly connecting dots, unable to stay standing from the shock as he understood why he hadn't been allowed to help.

and then he started crying.

the two of you ushered him to a couch, sitting him down as he sniffed back the tears. you sat beside him, wrapping your arms around his shoulder and cooing, jeonghan crouching on the floor in front of him.

"i'm sorry," jeonghan said, smiling slightly as he gave him an apologetic look. "i didn't mean to overwhelm you."

seokmin choked on a laugh, wiping at his cheeks. "how did you think i'd react?"

"i don't think he thought about it," you whispered, knowing full well jeonghan could hear you.

"i got a little carried away," he admitted, hand rubbing comforting circles on seokmin's leg. "you're special to me, so i wanted to make something special for you."

"this," seokmin said, looking around, gesturing at his surroundings. "this?"

the older huffed out a laugh, almost embarrassed. "yeah, this."

seokmin laughed too, eyes wet as he looked into the other's. "i can't believe you would make something this incredible for me."

"you're incredible," jeonghan said. "i want you to feel welcome in my home."

"i couldn't believe the record wall, either," you offered when seokmin seemed speechless, pressing your cheek against the his shoulder, hand rubbing his back. "jeonghan's love language is a little unique."

seokmin sniffed one more time, studying jeonghan's face, his brow creasing ever so slightly. "holy shit, i'm in love with you."

your heart stopped as you pulled away slightly to look at him, then jeonghan, who was frozen.

"i didn't realize that's what this was," seokmin said, hand gripping the one on his thigh. "i knew i liked you, but this is-"

jeonghan rose quickly, seating himself at seokmin's other side and kissed him. "i love you," he said, thumbs wiping over his slightly damp cheekbones. "it's taken me years to admit it, but i love you."

seokmin kissed him again in response, his face feeling hot from the continued attention. he broke away, only to look around the room again, jeonghan studying his face with a smile as he did.

"i think," seokmin said, clearing his throat when the words came out weak. he looked to you, then to jeonghan. "i think this is the best birthday i've ever had."

jeonghan laughed. "we haven't even had the pizza yet."

[ravenadottir]

do you have any hcs on what type of drunk the islanders are?

cannot, for the life of me, find my old answer on this.

but it’s a good thing, ‘cause it was probably too short, and i do have some thoughts and scenarios on this one! this is gonna become a whole book :/ i might also include their favorites, or what i think it’s their favorites.

bobby.

he doesn’t know how to stay still when the alcohol goes in! bobby is the type to be dancing, singing along, singing with no music, pumping other people to join him whenever he’s feeling joyful! even when he’s in a certain mood that isn’t celebratory, he’d still be finding a way to not bum everybody out with his problems. he’s just the kind of guy to try and forget his problems while having a glass in hand! “mate!” he points to gary, noah, rahim, henrik. “i - love - you! no, seriously!” he takes a seat on their lap, hugging them as he continues. “i - love you, mate! you’re the best a man can ask! i - love - you!” colorful cocktails like “sex on the beach” and daiquiris. bobbyfish is only fun to him if he’s the one making it.

carl.

forever the quiet drunk, in a corner, reminiscing on every bad decision he’s ever made. nothing makes carl pensive and regretful like alcohol. he always refuses to drink in public because “i’m the worst drunk you can have at your party.” he doesn’t interact or talk before the sixth drink, and when he does, prepare yourself for a battle of two carl’s. “bummer” x “i want to rage, but the pain of being alive is too much for me right now”. definitely wants to be designated driver at all times. prefers to drink alone, at home, when everything is going wrong. bitter drinks like the “negroni” or “manhattan”.

chelsea.

the - life - of - the - party! always! chelsea never lets her outside problems get in the way of a good time and it shows! she’s here to party, to dance, to let everyone know how fun and good friends they are. you’ll never see this girl on the corner. it’s middle of the dancefloor or no dice in her case. she also gets extra flirty with everyone else, without any intentions of hooking up with anyone. “you are looking like the whole damn roast dinner in that dress, babes!” GIN!! and everything you can make with it.

gary.

pirate drunk. do you hear me? pirate drunk. draping his arm on his mates’, or girl’s, shoulder and singing along to whatever in on the background. slow speech and often stuttering his loving and caring words. “buz ya know whet may? i... focken luv ya! i zoo! because... en her mee ou-t. you, may, a - thu - bessss!” it’s love and confusing speeches all around, followed by raising his pint to pay for another round, again. gary drunk is also the type to tell you secrets you definitely didn’t need to know. picture the things he could tell you about from when he was a teenager, before he started working out, and no, i don’t mean painful and deep stuff. i mean the weird phases of discovery. he’s absolutely graphic when talking about those and i’m not here for it, garebear. beer! beer! cheeky v is for the start, then he stays on the beer for good.

henrik.

the happiest pup you’ll ever see at a bar. henrik is extra affectionate after a few shots, and incredibly in touch with his emotions, them being positive or not. one thing i often picture him doing is just going for the kill if he needed some courage for it. whether is a girl or a boy, he’s gonna walk towards them, offer them a drink and let them know how he feels. it’s all about the positive and the horniness. if there’s a possibility of a “bathroom in the club” even better! he doesn’t waste time on talking and if he’s really into you, he’ll let you know. other than that, he’s on the booth, watching the others dance, putting his hair on a bun, because when he decides it’s time for some moves on the dancefloor, no one can hold him back. he’ll grind, twerk, take off his shirt, pull people to dance with, you name it! sweet cocktails like the ones involving wine. anything that has red wine in it, it’s probably his favorite.

hope.

gracefully having her drink in peace, trying her best to keep her composure at all times. i do reckon she’s the kind of person that when drinks has the confusing thoughts and doesn’t get her whole sentences out, but in her head she’s not aware that’s happening. not that she drinks a lot, i don’t think she does that on a night out, or party in a friend’s house, but i can definitely see her being confused when someone laughs of the way she’s speaking, because they can’t understand it. “hope, you’re drunk...” “naah, i’m foine, i only had like...” keeps trying to do the math but can’t, resulting in teasing about how much she had that night. flavored vodka cocktails with a spite of vanilla beans in them.

ibrahim.

i like how shy and closed off he is but just how much he enjoys himself while drunk. he doesn’t necessarily change as much while in that state. he knows he doesn’t need much to have a good time and it shows when he gets to that “carry me home” self. ibrahim’s favorite thing is to dance with his partner and his friends. he lets the spotlight to whoever wants to grab it, but you can be damn sure, out of nowhere, you’ll see him attempting another worm, or his usual twerking. he’s not doing for the show, he’s doing because he can’t stop laughing after and honestly? i love it! he keeps his voice to a lower tone and often gets a little dizzy while getting up. it’s part of the reason noah and bobby tease him, but he doesn’t mind and laughs along. definitely the ones that contain citric fruits, like oranges or limes, lemons and grapefruit. i often picture him drinking a “paloma”. also, drinks that have some pepper might be on his list.

kassam.

this is probably the only time you’ll see kassam smiling for no reason. usually he reserves those for special occasions, such as really goos jokes, some snarky comment about someone who he hates or when you try to make him laugh, failing miserably. but drunk kassam has an easy smile and entertained facade you would think to be fake. do not be mistaken, he’s not. he just can’t control himself while under the influence of alcohol, and i think the part he enjoys the most is to see you having fun while trying to convince him to hit the floor to dance. “you know... that’s not gonna happen. because if it does, i’m gonna humiliate you with my...” he does a snake with his arms “... moves.” he gets funnier and looser, wanting to make you smile at all costs, even if that means he does and says ridiculous things like the worm arms. energy drinks+whiskey combos. he just likes that flavor and it hits the spot pretty fast.

lottie.

there’s only two lottie’s when she gets the alcohol going: depressive/pensive or goddess of dancing. no in between. lottie will forever be a wild card and that’s part of the reason why people invite her in the first place. she’ll be questioning life and her existence when bummed out, or dance and get every chin dropping when she’s being herself. drunk lottie might pull you in a bathroom stall and go to town on you. it’s confidence and “let’s skip this one, i have something to show you.” winks discreetly. plus, she’s always that kind of girl that pulls off the “bobbing/swaying side to side” move, even thought it’s the most boring in the book. she looks good and she knows it. as for talking/confessing, forget it. she’s not one to open up while drunk. lottie is probably the least selective when it comes to choosing alcohol. colorful, sweet, spicy, bitter, you name it.

lucas.

it’s always time for confident lucas to show up, and his drunk persona wouldn’t be different. the thing he loves the most is definitely showing his moves by taking your hand and making the two of you the center of attention. something he can’t hold back is his horniness. that’s something he had in common with lottie and henrik. but instead of a bathroom stall it might be the car you came in, or a nearby hotel. he’s not exactly the type to just at it on any corner, and even drunk, he has some fear of germs. also, he might be extra flashy when dancing, on the brink of looking like that’s his stage and he’s the star. i’m sure people agree, given he’ll probably dance with more than one person at the same time, giving the audience some threesome ideas. that’s the whole point: too look hot while making everyone else wish they were his dancing partners. think of grinding on the floor, grabbing thighs and dipping a girl. or a boy, if you ask me. combos of whiskey and energy drinks.

marisol.

drunk marisol, to me, it’s the funniest. she’ll become extra analytical of the social interactions happening at the bar/club/party. every conversation will get fully analyzed before she can take the next sip. of course there’s lots more to her drunk persona, but that’s how it starts. i believe it takes her four drinks to start dancing, five to make her take her glasses off and throw them somewhere, and six to make her dance on a table. i don’t believe she has much time to drink and have fun, so that makes her much less resistant to alcohol. three drinks are enough to make her stop being marisol and become “marisol, the life of the party”. it can get ugly once she gets more drinks in her, and you can expect dinosaur noises from the other side of the bathroom stall. that’s why she avoids that feared seventh drink and gets lots of water between shots. “espanhola” and colorful cocktails.

noah.

he’s probaly the least active on a night out, but the most surprising if he feels like it. usually he stays put, having his drink in place, watching everyone dancing and goofing around with each other. not participating it’s his default, he would rather watch everyone else’s personas coming out. “come on, book boy! you’re not gonna stay in your seat all night!” “nah, i’m good. for now.” he’ll hold his twerking self in until he has the urge of taking the dancefloor. very talkative while drunk, often discussing things he’d recently discovered and can’t wait another second to share them. of course he might get them wrong, given he can take lots of alcohol but no notice when his speech becomes gibberish. definitely enjoys lemon-y drinks with vodka and other “clear” alcohol types.

priya.

oh my god, don’t shoot the messenger, but priya is the type to do some crazy stuff while drunk and blame the booze on the next day. being fully conscious and aware of her actions but saying “oh my god, i can’t believe i did that, i’m so sorry.” for whatever it is. usually she’s fun and loose when there’s alcohol involved, and by loose i mean wanting to dance her ass off. this might be the time she challenges people to lip sync battles or dances, which to most is funny, but she gets very competitive about them, to the point of betting on things like the bar tab. definitely enjoys the white wine and its variations, and often experiments with flavored vodka, like peach and vanilla.

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Sweet Pea//you’re too hard to forget

Request: Hey!! Love your writing! Are you able to write a song imagine for the song lie to me by 5sos and Julia Michaels.. for reader x sweet pea when they broke up and seeing other people but still think of each other? Thankyou!! 🧡

hey! i looooove this song and i loved writing this! also it’s very angsty so be warned i hope you enjoy! 

Red Rose Hall is everything Toni and Cheryl hyped it up to be. High ceilings, bright white walls, soft gold decor, chandeliers, candlesticks that are definitely made out of solid gold and enough room in just the entrance to fit at least half of Riverdale’s population in. 

It seems half of Riverdale’s population is here tonight, as well as at least another 100 people that Sweet Pea has never met before. But what else does he expect from Cheryl and Toni. 

The invitation he’d received for their engagement would probably fit in as decor here, and he clutches it tightly as he walks through the large wooden doors. 

An older man in a suit offers him champagne and he takes it gratefully, suddenly feeling underdressed in the only suit he owns. He fiddles with his tie, trying to hide the ketchup stain that he can’t quite get out. 

“This is amazing.” A voice says in awe and suddenly he remembers that he isn’t here alone. “And this is just their engagement party?” Cece asks, her dark hair falling straight down her back and over her pale blue dress. 

“Er-yeah.” He says, handing her a glass of champagne. “Cheryl is very...out there.”

“You’re telling me.” She laughs and takes a sip. “Holy shit, is that an ice sculpture?” Her eyes widen and Sweet Pea follows her gaze until they’re both staring at a huge sculpture of Cheryl and Toni.

“That is-”

“Wonderful!” Cheryl’s cheery voice makes both Sweet Pea and Cece jump before turning around to face her. Toni stands beside her, and her and Sweet Pea share a look. 

It’s been well over a year since they last saw each other, but they don’t even have to say anything to know what the other is thinking. 

“Yes. Thats what I was just about to say.” Sweet Pea says, glancing quickly at Toni who stifles a laugh. “How are you Cheryl?” 

“Fantastic.” She replies. “Me and my future wife to be have been enjoying engaged life.” 

“You don’t need to tell us about that.” He interrupts and Cheryl hits his arm, sending him a sharp glare. 

“Not like that...but thats been great too.” She smirks and nudges Toni. “Are you going to introduce us?” She asks, staring straight at Cece. 

Sweet Pea sighs and braces himself for the grilling he’s going to get. Toni won’t be as bad, but Cheryl was more your friend than his, and now he’s brought a new woman, he’s definitely going to have to watch his back. 

Speaking of you, he wonders if you’re here. Of course you are. You’d never miss this, but the room is so big and he feels so small compared to it. He used to always be able to find you in a room, it was a secret talent of his, or maybe it was you just drawing him to yourself constantly. Tonight however, he can’t see you anywhere and he doesn’t know if thats a good or bad thing. 

“This is Cece.” He says and gestures to the woman holding onto his arm. She waves awkwardly at Toni and Cheryl and they both smile back at her. Cheryl’s is a lot faker than Toni’s but thankfully she doesn’t notice. “Cece, this is Toni and Cheryl.” 

“It’s really nice to meet you both.” Cece replies, a sweet smile on her face. It’s no where near yours, but that’s what Sweet Pea likes about her. She’s the complete opposite of you and thats just what he needs. “And congratulations.” 

“Thank you.” Toni says sincerely. 

“Yeah. Thank you.” Cheryl adds. “It was lovely seeing you again Sweet Pea, and nice meeting you Cece. But there’s lots of people here and we need to talk to everyone. You can put your gift on that table over there.” 

“We didn’t bring anythi-” 

“Money is fine.” She cuts him off, calling over her shoulder. 

“Sorry.” Toni mumbles before following Cheryl. 

Despite Cheryl’s grating personality, it’s nice to know not everything has changed since the last time he saw everyone. Cheryl is still as rude as ever, Toni still apologizes for her and they’re both still very extra. 

“Do they really need anymore presents?” Cece asks and points to the large table in the corner of the room. Its stacked full of gift bags and huge boxes and Sweet Pea’s eye widen at the sheer amount of stuff they probably already have. 

His eyes scan the room, looking out for anyone else he knows. Hopefully Fangs is around somewhere and three of them can sit at a table near the back until it’s acceptable to go to the very expensive rooms they’ve been forced into paying for and staying in tonight.  

He does find Fangs, standing with a grin on his face and two champagne glasses in hand as he talks to a guy with curly brown hair, glasses and a suit that looks like Sweet Pea pulled his out of the trash. 

His eyebrows furrow in confusion, he doesn’t remember Fangs mentioning a new boyfriend the last time they text. But when he looks at the guy properly, he notices he’s also holding two champagne glasses and now he’s even more confused. 

That is until he see’s you, approaching the pair of them with another girl walking beside you. You both stop the conversation you’re having to greet Fangs and the mystery guy and they hand each of you a champagne glass. 

The other girl stands beside Fangs and he quickly realizes its Jade from  school, he then chuckles quietly to himself, momentarily forgetting about you and whoever he is, because can you imagine Jade and Fangs together? They are definitely not each others type. 

His smile disappears however once he see’s you reach up and press a kiss to mystery guy’s cheek. 

You brought someone else. 

Okay, so did he, but that’s beside the point. 

You look good, but different. It’s been a year since you saw each other so he’s not surprised you’ve changed, he’s just surprised by how much. 

You look like a completely new person. Like you changed over night. Your hair is longer, your makeup and style different and you look confident. A lot more confident that the last time he say you. You still capture an entire room when you walk into it, but now its like you know you’re doing it. 

He feels frozen, everything about you is so different, yet it feels so familiar to him and he can’t stop looking at you. Even when you throw your head back in laughter at something Fangs has said and when you look around, acutely aware that someone is watching you. Even when you notice him looking at you from across the room, Sweet Pea still doesn’t look away. 

You send him a polite smile before turning your attention back to your new boyfriend. Sweet Pea continues to watch, hoping that you’ll glance at him again, but you don’t. You don’t even attempt to look at him again and he feels his heart sink. 

“Sweet Pea? Are you okay?” Cece asks, pulling him from his thoughts and his heart sinks even further at Cece’s worried expressions. He doesn’t deserve her and neither did you, which is why you’re both here with other people instead of each other. 

At least you look happy. Or at least you’re trying to. Your smile reaches your eyes, but it doesn’t make them light up like it used to. He wonders if he did that to you or if its because of the new guy you’re with. He hopes it wasn’t him, but he can’t shake the gut feeling that it was. 

“Yeah.” He nods, finally dragging his eyes away from your figure. They settle on Cece and she smiles at him warmly, but he can tell she noticed. There’s just a hint of disappointment resting behind her eyes. “I’m fine. Do you want to find our table?” He asks, wanting any excuse to get away from you and him. 

“Yeah okay.” She replies and grabs his hand, weaving him through the mass of people. 

He sits down, the gold chairs with large white cushions on them help him sink further into the depression he’s already falling into, purely because he knows the chairs alone probably cost more than his rent last month. 

He tries so hard to loose himself in having a good time with Cece, but he just can’t. He looks at her but ends up looking straight through her and back at you again. As Cece takes in the the small details of the large hall, Sweet Pea takes in the smaller details of you. 

You stand a little differently that how you did a year ago. Maybe its because whoever your new boyfriend is closer to your height than he is Sweet Pea’s, or maybe its the new found confidence you seem to have since Sweet Pea left. 

This time two years ago, both of you were staying in Cheryl and Toni’s New York apartment. It was a welcomed break from the busy jobs you were both desperately trying to hold down in order to keep your flat. 

You’d only been in New York for 2 days, but it was the best 2 days of your life. Toni and Cheryl had showed you around the city, the four of you doing some sightseeing and just enjoying seeing each other again. 

But just before going to bed on the second night, Sweet Pea got a phone call from his work saying they needed him in tomorrow morning, despite the fact he’d booked the week off. 

You’d only just managed to go to sleep, finding it difficult due to the loud roads and bright lights outside. You may have also moved to a busy city, but it was no where near as busy as New York, and so Sweet Pea tried desperately to pack as quietly as possible. 

You still woke up though, either sensing the empty space beside you or hearing the large thud of Sweet Pea tripping over his suitcase in the dark. You’d asked what he was doing and he felt so bad as he told you he had to go home. 

You were of course disappointed and his heart ached at the sight of you trying to hide it. He said you could stay and spend the rest of the week with Toni and Cheryl, but by the time he finished his sentence and multiple apologies you’d already changed your flights and were starting to pack. 

“We stay together remember.” You’d whispered in his ear on the plane. You then lay your head on his shoulder and even though he was tired and pissed beyond belief at his boss, he knew he’s got it right. You were definitely the one. 

Or at least thats what he thought. 

“Holy shit! Pea. I didn’t know you were coming to this!” Fangs is more than excited to see his best friend. He practically jumps on him and it causes Sweet Pea told jolt out of his thoughts at the weight of his friend embracing him. 

He returns the hug, a little too late but Fangs doesn’t seem to notice. He’s too busy introducing himself to Cece. She smiles in surprise at the energy of the stranger stood in front of her, but she shakes his hand anyway and introduces herself. 

“Don’t mind him. He’s had far too many ‘choni’ cocktails.” A voice deadpans from beside him and he sends the girl it came from a glare. “Hi Sweet Pea.” She waves at the tall serpent and he sends her a smile in return. 

“Hey Jade. How are you?” 

“Not good. I’ve been put on Fangs babysitting duty.” She huffs and takes a seat opposite the couple. Cece looks at Sweet Pea hesitantly before looking at the purple haired girl opposite her. 

“So how long have you and Fangs been together?” She asks in a small voice, but its met with loud laughter from Fangs, Jade and even Sweet Pea. 

“Babe, they’re not a couple.” Sweet Pea forces through laughter. 

“Well how am I supposed to know that. It’s not like you tell me anything about your friends.” She replies through a gritted smile and Jade and Fangs share an uncomfortable look. 

Sweet Pea coughs and stares at the napkin on the table, his finger traces the pattern gently and the four of them wait for something to change the sudden dull mood. 

A distraction comes, but it’s not a welcome one and Sweet Pea thinks he’d much rather snide comments from his girlfriend than whatever this is. 

“Hi guys.” You smile and wave at the small group. Your boyfriend stands behind you with a hand on your hip. He pushes his glasses up his nose before quickly moving to pull your seat out for you. You smile and sit beside Jade, giving her and Fangs a warm smile. Your boyfriend, who Sweet Pea still doesn’t know the name of sits on the other side of you, and he decides he doesn’t want to know the name of him. 

“Ryan, have you had one of these?” Fangs asks, trying his hardest to break the now awful atmosphere surrounding your table. It only makes it worse, because Sweet Pea knows his name and he hates it. 

Cece stares down at the silver bracelet dangling around her wrist, she plays with the charms and tries her hardest to will away the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Sweet Pea seethes silently, glancing between the table, you and Ryan every so often. Fangs gulps, and plays with his hands, trying desperately to help his friend but nothing comes to mind. 

Jade sits back in her seat, sipping on her drink to try and hide a smile as she watches everyone silently. You sit awkwardly, your chin resting in your hand while you think of how to get out of this situation, and Ryan sits beside you, holding your free hand under the table and glancing at Sweet Pea nervously every so often. 

“No, I-er I haven’t no.” He shakes his head, gaining the attention and eyes of the five of you. 

“Good.” Jade replies. “They suck.” 

“How dare you.” Fangs glares at the girl but she just looks at him bored. 

“I’m sorry but if you name a drink after your ‘ship’ name, it automatically sucks. It could be the best tasting thing in the world, but as soon as its got a stupid name, it sucks.” She replies making Fangs huff. You and Sweet Pea stifle laughs at her sudden outburst and the two of you make brief eye contact before the moment is gone. 

“You’re so fun at parties. Did you know that?” 

“I did. Thats why I was your plus one.” 

“You were my plus one because we both got dumped right before thi-” He stops himself mid-sentence but the damage is done. You force yourself to look at Sweet Pea and are surprised to see he’s already looking back at you. 

“Well that got awkward fast.” Jade says, taking another long sip from her drink. “I’m getting another one. Anyone want to come with?” 

“I will.” You and Sweet Pea stand at the same time. 

“Its fine you go.” You say and sit down again. 

“No, no. You go.” He replies, also sitting back down. 

“Are you sure?” You ask. 

He nods quickly before starting a conversation with Cece. Cece talks about how pretty your outfit is and he nods along, not really paying attention. 

The only thing he can think of is you. 

And how he wishes the two of you never met. 

The thought makes something twist in his gut, but it’s true. When you met, he remembers thinking how lucky he was to have been in the right place at the right time. He knew he’d never forget you from the moment you met. And he was right. You are too hard to forget, no matter how bad he wants to. 

It doesn’t help when there’s little reminders of you no matter where he goes. A certain smell reminds of of your perfume, a certain taste and he’s taken back to your first date eating Pop’s takeout in the parking lot because there wasn’t enough seats inside. 

When you left, he tried to erase every part of you. Every trace of you was taken from the apartment you’d shared. He was angry at you of course, you’d argued and shouted just as much as he did, but he was more angry at himself for letting you go. 

He’d cleaned the shattered glass from the floor, caused by you slamming the door a mere five minutes earlier, and he learnt later that you’d gone to a co-workers house for ‘support’ and ended up in his bed. 

He knows you don’t love him anymore. Why would you? He said some of the worst things anybody had ever said to you, kicked you out of your home and ignored you for a year after. But he hopes if he asked, you’d lie to him. ----

It’s 3am and you’re still awake. The last of the guests have only just gone to bed and you can hear them stumbling and giggling as they pass your room. 

The moonlight streams in through a gap in the dark curtain and it casts a soft glow over Ryan’s bare chest and face. His lips are parted and soft snores echo around the room making you feel even more alone. 

You pull your legs up to your chest and wrap your arms around yourself, resting your head on your knees. 

Ryan had pressed gentle kisses up and down your neck while the two of you slow danced, his hands had wandered along your body and he’d whispered words in your ears that made you blush and look around, making sure no one else was looking. 

Nobody was, not even Sweet Pea and you felt a familiar twang of disappointment at that. But nonetheless, you said your goodbye’s to your friends, thanked Cheryl and Toni for the invite and told them congratulations for probably the fourth night, before Ryan had you pinned against the elevator wall, kissing you like his life depended on it. 

Now you sit awake, to busy thinking about Sweet Pea holding onto somebody else the way he used to. Sweet Pea could always sense if you were awake, it was like a weird gift he had. If you couldn’t sleep, he knew. And he would pull you tight to his chest and stroke your hair gently while whispering nonsense in your ear. 

Ryan sleeps through anything, which means you’ve spent a lot of lonely nights looking up at the moon. It’s seems the two of you are friends now, but tonight she’s taunting you and you sigh deeply. 

This was supposed to be a happy occasion, a chance to see all your friends again. But you feel anything but happiness. 

Your mind wanders to last year, and the way you stared at the moon back then. Only it didn’t end with tight cuddles and sweet whispers. It ended in a fight, a break up and the biggest mistake of your life. You walking out and giving up on you and Sweet Pea forever. 

You were thinking about New York, and how you should go go back sometime when Sweet Pea stirred beside you, asking the same sleepy question of ‘are you okay?’ 

‘Yeah’ you’d replied, settling into his arms and letting your eyes flutter closed. ‘Just thinking about when we could go back to New York.’ 

You honestly hadn’t meant anything more of it. Literally just wondering if you had any weeks off. But Sweet Pea was tired and stressed and took it as an attack. You tried to tell him you didn’t mean it like that, but he wasn’t listening and so you gave up trying to reason with him. 

You fought, cried and then you stormed out, not bothering to look back. 

You ran, even though it was right. 

You have a deep need to do it again. The rooms seems to be slowly suffocating you and you need to get out asap. You grab your dressing gown and slip some shoes over your feet before slipping out the door and into the dimly lit corridor.  It’s a welcome quiet to the thoughts screaming in your head and you take a moment to take in the beauty of the place. It might only be a corridor, but it’s a damn pretty one. 

With no destination in mind, you start to wander around the large hall. Eventually settling on a window seat right in the corner of the building. It looks out into the garden and the moonlight casts it in a fairytale like glow. It looks magical and you feel yourself calm down a little. Your heart rate goes back to normal and your breathing slows. Thats until you feel a presence beside you and the cushion your sat on dips as another joins you. 

Pulling your gaze away from the window, they settle on a pajama clad Sweet Pea and your expressions softens.  

“What do you want Pea?” You ask, the easiness of the nickname surprises the both of you. 

“I woke up a while ago and couldn’t get back to sleep. I figured you were awake somewhere.” He shrugs, leaning his back against the window and you watch a shiver crawl up his spine at the cold. 

“How do you know I wouldn’t be in my room?” You ask, turning your attention back to the sky. 

“I dunno.” He shrugs. “But I remember after a while, if you couldn’t sleep you used to get up and wander.” 

“Oh.” You say quietly and look back at him. “I never did that with you.” 

“You did. Once when we first got together.” He replies. 

“I don’t remember.” 

“I do.” He shrugs. “Why do you think I used to wake up? I didn’t want you wandering the streets at night.” 

“Thank you.” You say sincerely, looking him in the eye. He clears his throat and looks away. 

“Its whatever.” 

“Its not whatever Sweet Pea.” You say making him look at you. “Its really sweet.” He looks away as soon as you make eye contact and the two of you are left to sit in silence. 

“Do you ever wish we never met?” You ask and he quickly looks at you. 

“I er-” He stutters, unsure of what to say. Because he does, but even now he doesn’t want to hurt you. 

“I do.” You reply and he feels himself shatter. The whole illusion that he’d built you up to be, what you’d be doing now that you’re no longer in his life has been broken. 

“Thanks.” He huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. A small pout makes its way to his lips and you roll your eyes at the sight of it. 

“Don’t tell me you don’t feel the same.” You argue. “I saw the way you looked at me before. There was more regret in your eyes than there was when Fangs ate all of those out of date pies.” 

“That was funny though.” Sweet Pea chuckles. 

“Yeah.” You join in. “Up until the hospital visit.” You add and the two of you frown. 

“You’re impossible to forget you know Sweet Pea.” You say out of nowhere and his eyebrows raise. 

“You too Y/n.” He replies, sadness lacing his tone and the two of you both stare out into the garden. 

“But I have to.” You stand suddenly and he looks at you confused. 

“What?” 

“We have to try and forget each other.” 

“Y/n, our best friends are getting married. I’m the best man and you’re maid of honour. We’re always going to be in each other’s life. It’s going to be pretty impossible to forget each other.” 

“Well, maybe if someone hadn’t have dumped me for no reason then we wouldn’t have to do all this awkward shit.” You snap, a years worth of feeling bubbling up to the surface. 

You’ve had enough. He did this, he started it and now he doesn’t want to end it. 

“Excuse me?” Sweet Pea asks, his voice raising as he also stands. “You’re the one that walked out.” 

“Because you told me to! Whatever Sweet Pea. I’ll see you around.” You huff and storm off into the dark hallway. “And so hi to Cece for me.” 

“Only if you say hi to Ryan for me.” He calls angrily after you. 

He watches you walk away and curses himself for letting you do that again. 

“Babe? Where have you been?” Ryan’s voice is groggy as he turns his head to face you. 

“Do you love me?” You ask suddenly and slip into bed beside him. The moonlight still shines in through the curtains, but the glow it casts into the room is cold. 

You know he doesn’t, he knows he doesn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You’d rather a sweet lie than a bitter reality. So he takes a deep breath, his hair falls into his face but you don’t bother moving it, not wanting to ruin the fabricated moment you’re desperately trying to believe in. 

“I do, yeah.”

[oldadastra]

Letter to Lucasfilm

So, I’ve written a letter to Lucasfilm. It could be better, but this is what came out this afternoon. I hope others who are writing will share what they are putting into the mail. I was trying to be concise, but it still ran to several pages. Find it in its entirety below the cut:

***

Lucasfilm, Ltd. Attn: Fan Mail PO Box 29901 San Francisco, CA 94129-0901

December 30, 2019

Lucasfilm/Disney:

I am writing to express my anger, shock, disappointment and deep sadness with the final installment of the Star Wars saga, Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker.

I was ten in 1977 when the original film was released and have loved Star Wars ever since. I was thrilled by the reopening of the saga in The Force Awakens, and delighted by the excellent script, rich visual storytelling, nuanced character development, and thematic direction of Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi.

Disney took on a sacred trust when it acquired Lucasfilm. Star Wars is deeply important to many people, and if you couldn’t do justice to the characters and themes of the saga, I’d argue that you had no business being involved in these stories. There is so much Disney/Lucasfilm got wrong in Rise of Skywalker, I’m struggling to gather my thoughts or express them coherently, but here goes:

Ben Solo. You created the most compelling character in the new trilogy by destroying the happy ending of the original trilogy. I was willing to go along on the ride Abrams and Kasdan began in The Force Awakens, because the fate of Ben Solo felt like it mattered. The questions raised in the new films: the nature of good and evil, the degree to which one’s family legacy defines a person, whether a one can atone for past sins; all of it felt alive and urgent in the person of Ben, a character I loved like one of my own children from the moment we so traumatically met him in The Force Awakens. His story was the beating heart of the new trilogy. His story is the one that mattered. His life was the one to be saved.

Ben solo was never an exposition device, cool villain, or disposable baddie to me. He was Han and Leia’s only child; loved, targeted, broken, lost.

The Rise of Skywalker redeems Ben Solo in the final act of the film, only to destroy him. Was it always your plan to kill the last Skywalker in the final installment of this story, to render the overarching message of all nine films as tragedy? If so, I wish I’d known this was your intent; I would never have engaged with these stories and made an emotional investment in them. If tragedy was your goal, that was certainly your choice to make, but I’d argue that you owed it to the audience and the cast to do a better job of it.

For example: You give us evidence that Han and Leia’s child was targeted by evil old men from before his birth. It’s a disturbingly explicit allegory of grooming and child abuse.

You give Ben Solo a backstory which implies he is guilty of vile, Anakin-style crimes against other young people, coding him as a school shooter, and then chose to exonerate him of this crime in a comic book, where the general audience will never know he was innocent. It’s a form of character assassination.

You consigned Ben Solo to the darkness for almost the entirety of three films, then denied him his voice in the final acts of his own story. “Ow?” The only words the redeemed Ben Solo will ever speak. Apalling.

You brought back Palpatine for this film (arguably rendering the message of the first six films meaningless), identified the Emperor as Ben’s tormentor all along, then denied Ben the opportunity to fight his enemy in the final act of the film.  Rise of Skywalker literally throws Ben Solo into a pit, and forces him to climb out alone and unaided while Rey is whispered to by “all the jedi,” offering her words of encouragement. It’s grotesque.

I’m getting lost in rage and sadness again here, so let me just say that even if you inexplicably didn’t care about the last Skywalker in the Skywalker saga, you have done a grave disservice to Adam Driver in your treatment of his character in this these films.  Perhaps you’ve heard of Driver’s non-profit organization, Arts in the Armed Forces? He’s deeply committed to the importance of stories as a way to make meaning out of the inexpressible. Did he really sign on to this project thinking that the final message of his character would be to say that even if you are able to come back from the darkness, your final act must be to die? That imperfect children don’t deserve compassion, forgiveness, life? You owe Mr. Driver an apology, but you can never really atone for what you’ve done to him.  

You ended a nine-film, forty-two year saga with all the Skywalkers dead, and a Palpatine the last one standing. You spent three films tormenting Han and Leia’s child, only to kill him in the final act.  What you did to Ben Solo (and frankly to us, who loved him) feels more like a horror story than anything else. In my dreams, I walk right into your offices and flip over tables.

There’s a lot more I could accuse Rise of Skywalker of bungling, but I assume you are hearing this feedback from others besides me, so I will summarize:

Rey Palpatine. Was is all about the midiclorians after all? By making her Palpatine’s granddaughter, you deny Rey everything that made her special; you deny her agency, and you negate the beautiful message I thought you were trying to communicate in the first two films with Rey Nobody: that the force belongs to us all, and that anyone can be a hero

The erasure of Rose Tico. It’s difficult to interpret this as anything but a capitulation to a loud, racist, and misogynist element of the fandom. It’s a very bad look, Disney. Please pay attention to the message you are sending.

Character development in general and a truly horrible ending: Rey goes back into her child-like costume, Ben Solo spent much of the film forced back into his stupid mask. Ben disappears at the end with no one to mourn him. Rey ends the film alone in a desert wasteland.

Rise of Skywalker is the most bleak, hopeless, and depressing Star Wars film ever made. As days go by, it’s becoming clear that it was also poorly written and edited. These stories matter to us, and we pay close attention to them. Disrespect us at your peril.

I don’t expect anyone will ever read this missive, or care at all about what an old shepherd on a mountainside thought about the execution of your multi-billion dollar movies. This is a personal exercise in catharsis as much as anything.

But here are a few notes in a language you might understand. I made some quick calculations about how much money I’ve spent on Star Wars over the past four years, and I’m sharing that with you now.

Movie tickets:  I’m one of those people who sees movies I love more than once (I saw Empire Strikes Back eighty-one times in the theater!). I saw The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi at least ten times each. I’m not counting the cost of tickets for my extended family, whom I brought along to a number of screenings, or tickets for birthday party guests we treated to these movies. My teenaged daughter came along for all the screenings I am including, so I calculate I spent about $360 on tickets. We also bought tickets to Rogue One and Solo, so it was actually more, but you get the idea.

Books, tie-ins, DVDs, merchandise: I invested in The Art of the Force Awakens and The Art of the Last Jedi books, as well as at least one SW Visual Dictionary. I bought DVDs of the films of course, and CDs of John Williams’ beautiful scores. I bought and read a number of books; Boodline and the Leia novel, The Force Awakens novelization and Junior novelization, Aftermath, and a couple others whose titles escape me. At least seven action figures. Toy light sabers for me and my daughter. Posters. T Shirts. I know I’m not remembering everything, but it adds up to an expenditure of at least $347 in books and other Star Wars merchandise.

Star Wars Celebration: I splurged on passes for my daughter and I to attend Star Wars Celebration in Chicago this past spring. It cost me about $400, and a last-minute family emergency meant we were unable to attend, but the tickets were non-refundable, so it was money I spent on Star Wars nonetheless.

Total: $1,107

A laughably small amount to you guys, I’m sure. Perhaps a contrast is useful:

Total amount I have spent (tickets for my daughter and I on opening night) on Rise of Skywalker: $22.

Total amount I plan to spend on Disney Lucasfilm merchandise in the future: $0

I invested quite a lot of my time in Star Wars over the past four years. I’ve written thousands of words in essays, appreciations and analyses (mostly on Tumblr), where I amassed a modest following of just over a thousand people. I’m sure I occasionally bored my friends and family by going on and on about Star Wars. This kind of ‘work’ has no dollar value of course. I will say that it was great fun while it lasted, though I feel foolish in retrospect, remembering all the times I came to your defense, arguing that the saga was in good hands, that you had a plan; that you were going to tell a good story.

Sadly, I don’t think you can fix the damage you’ve done to the Galaxy Far Far Away with The Rise of Skywalker. You made this film, made your choices, and put it out into the world. I have no control over where you go from here, but as a person who has loved Star Wars since I was a child, I beg you to take some time to reflect before making another Star Wars film.

You’ve broken so many hearts. Mine was one.

Andrea ____

...my full name and address, blah blah, I live in Vermont

[qlistening]

Happy Pandemic-iversary

What’s up ladies. It’s around the pandemic-iversary and as you all know, I have appointed myself as head of commenting on shit that has happened during the pandemic and it’s time for a quarterly update. 

If I had to guess, each and every one of you has gone one of two routes since the beginning of last year.

Route 1: Realizing that everything inherently cool and fun would be cancelled and quickly deciding that some factor like your mental health or the quality of your college experience was more important than the social/public health consequences of partying during the pandemic. If you’re feeling attacked right now, worry not party girl. That is not my intention. I myself am a founding member of the “anything to feel something” club and a staunch believer that if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. 

Odds are that if you are in this group, you’re a wee bit entitled and/or your mental health is held together by a very thin thread. Taking away your regularly scheduled social interactions may have unboxed some demons that you would really like to tuck back in. I’m talking depression, anxiety, substance abuse, insecurity, issues with loneliness, etc.  You either used partying to slam the lid shut on that box, or like me, pulled out your demons, worked on them a little, and boxed them back up with more partying when you were over it. 

That’s growth baby! Nothing monumental, but you laid more groundwork for making it through your twenties than you would have otherwise AND you’re in a great position to reenter society when all this is over. Sure you were probably “on the wrong side of history”, but as long as you didn’t kill anyone, you will probably be able to live with yourself.

Route 2: The CDC said jump and you said “how high?”. These are my rule-following girly pops. My caring and empathetic girly pops. And of course, my girly pops who had inescapably valid reasons to avoid the rone at all costs. 

Your year has probably consisted of a mix of being infinitely proud of yourself for doing the right thing, infinitely frustrated with those who did not, and infinitely in denial about how much it sucked. You knew that the second you admitted to yourself that all of the whipped coffee, brisk walks, and zoom happy hours in the world were not going to be enough to keep you happy, you would fall into an inescapable cycle of depression that you had no hope of climbing out of in your isolated state. So you made up bullshit tasks to keep yourself occupied for an entire year.

You are a fucking hero for that, BUT your transition back into real life is not going to be easy. All of those little tasks that you invented have started to feel like legitimate priorities that you are having trouble distinguishing from your real responsibilities. You have to be prepared to let all of that deep cleaning and gourmet cooking go in exchange for going out to bars and showering more than twice a week. And just a tip from the pandemic party girl; socializing is not going to be fun and easy or any more stimulating than those made up tasks at first. But humans are social animals and you need to get in touch with whatever aspect of going out that you used to love so dearly. Whether that was making new friends, relentlessly pursuing some dick, showing off your cute outfits, sweaty dancing, or just getting fucked up, there was a reason you did this shit every weekend and you need to acknowledge it in order to connect with your former self.

Now that I have lumped you into these two different groups, it’s time to talk about the middle of the venn diagram: depression. Whether you hid from that shit at home or at He’s Not, odds are it caught up to you eventually. It was easy to predict that removing the majority of stimulation and fulfillment from life and throwing around the term “uncertain times” for a year would create a sub-pandemic of depressed ass bitches. 

I saw it coming from day one, but that only made it worse. Feeling your motivation and ability to find any means of generating serotonin slip away from you is a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet have seen in almost everyone. I thought that seeing this shit coming would protect me from it and I was wrong. When it hit, I was consumed by the same sense of self loathing you feel when a boy fucks you over and you saw it coming, but didn’t have the strength to resist. 

Self loathing and emptiness are some raw fucking feelings and I hope to God that, at the very least, our shared experiences with these emotions has cultivated a broader sense of empathy in our cut-throat society. So far, that hunch has played out in the polls.

Empathy or no empathy, these feelings are still pervasive throughout the world and I’ll be damned if a single bitch with a marketing job was going to miss their chance to capitalize on this. With that, we have the birth of “wellness”. That world is honestly a trigger for me at this point because I, like many of you, was fooled into thinking it would be the antidote to depression. But what it really is is a well played scheme to sell things to people who are down bad and desperate to regain control over their health and well being. Believe me, I understand that this is a natural byproduct of capitalism, but there is something really insidious about an industry with marketing tactics that prey on people’s fear that something is wrong with them and offer them bullshit solutions to fix it.

Reading that back, I realize that is pretty much the textbook definition of marketing, but I’m standing by the fact that it is fucked up. Sorry if that offends anyone.

For all of you ladies who have been dropping bricks on supplements, jade rollers, and overpriced subscriptions to meditation apps, I am here to offer you a reality check. You do not need that shit. Don’t believe me? You don’t have to! Men are living proof that I am right. Most have never taken a vitamin, stretched, meditated, or eaten a vegetable besides corn and are literally fine.

If you want to partake in the wellness trend, fine, but don’t let that shit throw you into a state of body hyper-awareness where you manifest health problems just from worrying about them. Don’t reward the companies who did this to you with your money. And PLEASE do not pass up on the opportunity to do normal twenty-something fuck shit that would actually make you feel better for the sake of your made up health needs. 

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. There is plenty more to comment on, but I have to go outside and smoke my half cigarette before it starts to rain. See y’all next time I am bored enough to write one of these.

[kpopbopz]

min yoongi | careful what you wish for (angst trigger warning)

!!!trigger/angst warning: attempted suicide and harsh language.

disclaimer: this is a work of FICTION; purely meant for entertainment, all texts are fake and does not reflect the personality of min yoongi or any bts member. 

also, if you or someone you love is feeling suicidal or in an abusive relationship, please seek help; I don’t mind talking and giving some advice but understand that I am not always available or a professional. ♥

♡.  

You froze in place as you stared down at what you’ve done completely baffled with your suddenly increased capability of clumsiness. You watched as Yoongi’s keyboard malfunctioned and LED lights underneath the keys faded out. You had accidentally spilled a bottle of water all over it and you knew that once Yoongi found out, he would be beyond furious. Namjoon had been a witness to the destruction, surprised he hadn’t caused it himself, but at the same time knowing better not to go near Yoongi’s area of work, and definitely not to bring food or drinks—especially drinks—into the studio in the first place. 

“Oh, no. Yoongi will kill me! Namjoon—what am I going to do?” you questioned as the instant feeling of panic was beginning to settle. Quickly you moved to get the napkins from the bag you brought, pressing feverishly down on the keyboard hoping it would revive back to life. 

“Don’t worry about it Y/n,” Namjoon interrupted your thoughts, “I’m sure he’ll understand that your intentions were good.” He shrugged it off, still knowing that Yoongi was going to react with badly no matter how this looked. “Just buy him a new one and he should be fine, at least it was you of all people, he’ll have to show some mercy.” 

“Okay,” you nodded, still with a distraught look on your face, trying to calculate how much money it would cost and how fast the same version of the keyboard could possibly be delivered to you. “I’ll make it up to him, I swear. Just tell him I’m sorry and that I’ll see him later, and to eat.” With that you left the studio in a hurry; you had to get home to finish up a project assignment for class and to now order a new keyboard for your boyfriend.

It wasn’t until about an hour later while you were just reading up on your research when your phone buzzed; suspecting that it was Yoongi, you read it immediately... 

You bit down on your bottom lip, quickly responding in order to try to not escalate the situation more than what it needed to. The only thing you wanted was to help your boyfriend, you wanted him to stay healthy considering the long days and nights he was working in the studio; all you wanted was to help.

Holding your breath, you could only hope that he would accept your apology. He couldn’t be that mad at you for wanting him to eat. Right?

Another buzz.

You couldn’t help but feel the sharp pain in your chest at his words. You annoyed him? He knew that you were sensitive and you tried to reason with him. Yoongi was supposed to be your sweet and kind boyfriend, he was just saying this because he was angry, that’s all, right?

Sometimes he needed to be reminded where to stop before he crossed the line, so you responded once again.

You stared at your phone, watching as the bubbles popped up while he was typing. The anxiety creeping in your chest was almost unbearable, hoping that he would understand how sorry you were.

His next message appeared.

Now he was really hitting below the belt. No feelings of anger surfaced for you, just guilt and sadness. He knew that you had a hard time with your confidence and often times would fall into states of depression because of it. This was mainly because a lot of his fans would deteriorate your character and looks on social media. Constantly berating you with insults and telling you just how much you didn’t deserve Yoongi, that you were an ugly, gold-digging lowlife that should just disappear. 

Usually, he would be the one that would remind you that they were wrong and you were more than that, but now it was as if all of that sweet talk was out the door. He had no remorse for what he was saying and everything he mentioned felt like it was his way of being spiteful.

You responded, wishing that he would just stop already. You didn’t want to make this anything more than what it already has become.

By this point, he didn’t realize that tears were streaming down your cheeks. Yoongi was throwing all your insecurities right back in your face as if you wanted to be this way. You couldn’t help the fact that you didn’t feel worth his time sometimes, and you felt bad every time you asked for his help. There was no way for you to know that it was bothersome for him because he always led on that he would build you up no matter what.

After your last response, you hoped that this would be the end of the discussion. It wasn’t like he wasn’t going to get a new keyboard from you, so it was completely unnecessary and rather painful that he was lashing out at you without any type of remorse.

The text messages to appear next shattered you into pieces.

I wish you would just disappear.

His words absolutely destroyed you, turning you into a bawling mess as you sat on the edge of your bed. Water stains hit your paperwork as you reread his last few messages over and over again, feeling the undeniable pain in your chest. He broke you. Of all the people in the world, Yoongi telling you to disappear was the final straw.

You couldn’t help but feel like you were a burden, on him and everyone else that constantly reminded you, no matter how hard you tried to escape. But hearing it from Yoongi, your sugar bear was proof enough that it was all true.

Barely being able to see through your tear-blurred vision, you typed your final response, apologizing and finally deciding to give him what he wanted. 

For you to disappear.

With that being said, you turned off your phone, letting it fall down to your feet. The only thing going through your head was that he didn’t want you anymore. He couldn’t stand dealing with you and all the emotional baggage he claimed that you brought to this relationship. If he thought that you were that irritating and should just disappear then what was stopping you?

With tear stained cheeks, red eyes, blurred vision, and a broken demeanor, you got whatever strength you had left over to get up and go to the bathroom, searching for the strongest pills you could find.

You wouldn’t be a problem anymore, you would just disappear...

Having already closed the texts after he let out his frustrations on you, Yoongi didn’t see your very last few words to him just yet.

“I can’t believe she would even come in here. She knew that I wasn’t here. God, Y/n knew that I was taking a nap and didn’t need her help,” Yoongi was non-stop ranting to Namjoon, oblivious to just the amount of damage he had caused you because of his blinding rage. “She’s so damn annoying; how am I supposed to get my work done now?!”

“You should relax Yoongi. When she came in here earlier, she really was just checking up on you,” he shrugged it off, handing Suga a notebook and pen, “Besides, you know how clumsy I can get myself, show her some mercy. Use this anger in a positive way and just write down your lyrics the old fashioned way while she gets you a new keyboard. Lashing out on her isn’t the way to go and you know it.”

He did know that, and he was starting to feel terrible about what he said. Even though you frustrated him sometimes, he knew that your intentions were good and taking it out on you the way he did, was indeed going too far. 

Yoongi took a few calming breaths before he was ready to finally apologize and hash it out, given his younger’s wise words. Lifting his phone, he was planning to text you to treat you to dinner tonight, but what he didn’t expect was to open your texts, seeing that you took him seriously in his fit of rage.

“No, no, no, no, no,” Yoongi had an alarm ringing in his head and began to rapidly type on his phone, panic beginning to settle in his chest.

It had finally started sinking in what he’s done. He slowly stood, phone in his shaky hands, waiting impatiently for you to respond.

“What’s going on?” Namjoon would speak up.

“C’mon Y/n,” Yoongi would mumble under his breath, eyes glued to his phone screen, searching for any type of sign that you were getting his texts, “Please, oh my god.” His fingers would rapidly keep typing, needing to know that you were okay.

*recommended song while reading: when the party’s over by billie eilish from this point on.*

He waited another moment, re-reading his previous texts and seeing how cruel he was to you and it brought tears to his eyes. Yoongi dialed your number, listening to the endless rings before your voicemail came through. He tried again and again, each ring sending him into a further panic.

“Joon, call 911, now! Send the ambulance to Y/n’s apartment,” his words were practically slurred because of him speaking so fast, however, Joon still managed to immediately do what he was told. “Fuck Y/n, pick up your damn phone!” Yoongi visibly was shaking, he could barely even text you with his hands trembling the way they were in absolute fear of what you could’ve done to yourself because of his carelessness.

“They’re on their way over there now,” Namjoon tore him away from his distressed state for a moment. “Do you need me to co—,” he was cut off once his hyung quickly dispersed from the studio, leaving everything behind except for his keys and phone which was still glued to his hand, quickly sending you another few texts just before getting in the car and heading toward your place himself, needing to know that you were okay.

On his way there, it would be his fifteenth time calling your phone to no avail. Somehow he managed to get there before the ambulance did. Yoongi burst into your place, screaming out for you. In his panic, he searched everywhere he could think of, seeing that your room was left empty. It wasn’t until he searched most of the apartment that he realized the only place left to look was the bathroom which was closed. Upon turning the knob, he found out that it’s locked.

“Y/n?! Y/n, baby, open the door,” he spoke to you through the door, his voice nearly cracking. Upon receiving no answer, he started to bang on the wooden surface standing between both of you. “Open the door! Y/N! Babygirl please I’m sorry, please, open the door, oh god—,” his voice would begin to crack even more than it was already, the worst possible scenarios crossing his mind. Feeling the rush of adrenaline pulse through him at the thought of your limp body, he kicked the door in, finding his absolute nightmare come true.

He fell down onto his knees, instantly cradling your unconscious body, crying above you as he held on tight to you.

“No, no, p-lease, wake u-up, please, y/n,” he would whimper, not paying attention to the distorted sound of EMTs rushing into the apartment. “Baby no, WAKE UP! Please? Please, wake up for me. I’m so so sorry.” 

Yoongi was then forcefully dragged away from you, his face red and being stained with tears as he watched them check over your limp body, not knowing if he would ever get you back, not knowing if he could ever apologize and hold you again in his arms, and kiss you, and tell you how much you meant to him, and how much he didn’t mean it.

He didn’t mean it when he said to disappear, and now seeing that he broke you to the point where you would actually want to leave him like this, broke him too.

“Please y/n..”

- 

part two.

[shinra33459]

Connor RK800 x Suicidal!Reader - Survivor’s Guilt

(A/N) Suicide is not a laughing matter. If you or a loved one suffers from suicidal thoughts or tendencies, do not hesitate to ask for help. Call your local suicide hotline, call the police, or talk to a close friend or family member. Suicide is never the answer, and remember that you aren't alone.

Policing is one of the hardest jobs one can undertake, especially in a large city, such as Detroit. In the span of mere months, your mental state was going down the toilet. Your downward spiral of depression only worsened as the days marched on. This all started seven months ago, when your partner initiated a traffic stop on a vehicle that was speeding. As soon as your partner walked up to the driver-side window, he was dead; a volley of bullets went right into his chest, easily passing through his Kevlar vest, killing him.

You called for backup, reporting an officer down and shots fired, and several other officers showed up to the scene. A simple traffic stop turned into a massive gunfight right in front of your very eyes. Another officer was killed. And another. And another. Until there were the bodies of six total police officers lying dead on the ground. The fight only came to an end when SWAT was able to get a sniper set up, and when the perpetrator’s head was turned into a red mist. It turned out that the perp was a red ice dealer, wanted on a federal warrant for smuggling red ice out of Michigan into Canada, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Minnesota.

Soon, while you slept, you started seeing the faces of the officers who were killed. They were people you considered allies and friends; allies and friends that YOU got killed. These nightmares plagued you, and sleep became something few and far between. Due to constant sleep deprivation, hallucinations became close to commonplace. You tried reaching out to some of your “friends” about this, and they were less than helpful. In fact, the most common responses you got were along the lines of, “Suck it up” or “You knew this sort of thing was bound to happen when you signed up to be a cop”.

At the time, there was only one person who cared about your plight, Hank Anderson. He recently lost his son, Cole, so he knew the horrors your mind will pull on you. He was also your field training officer when you were a rookie on the force a few years ago. Soon thereafter, you also had his android partner, Connor, to talk to as well. Those two were some of the only people who were nice to you, out of the DPD, hell, even the entire city of Detroit for that matter. However, you were separate from them most of the time; you were a patrol officer, while they were detectives, so they were constantly on cases, while you were out on patrol.

Truth be told, you liked Connor; he was a great listener, very helpful, and not that bad looking either. But even with him, you painted a painting of half-truths. You didn’t want to tell him about the incident, or about the horrendous amount of survivor’s guilt, hallucinations, nightmares, and severe depression; you didn’t want him to think about you differently, nor did you want to burden him with your guilt, regrets, and failure.

Soon, suicidal thoughts and tendencies began to spring up. Whenever there was a violent altercation you had to respond to, you actively tried to get yourself killed. Reports of shots fired? You would aimlessly walk around the area, not even with your gun unholstered, hoping to get shot. Armed robbery? You would rush into the situation without thinking, knowing full well that you could die from such a careless decision. Domestic disturbance? You would just waltz into the house, not even trying to get the situation under control, and would sometimes try to instigate one of the parties into violence.

As nothing happened as a result of your careless decisions in the line of duty, you decided that you needed to take matters into your own hands. You stopped showing up to work one day without a phone call, text message, email, nothing. You didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore, so you threw your phone into the Detroit River. Unbeknownst to you, a few days after throwing the phone into the river, Hank and Connor started calling you non-stop trying to figure out why you just stopped showing up to work.

You locked yourself away in your own home, drowning your own problems in hard liquor, like Hank did all too often. You didn’t eat or sleep for three days; you didn’t care anymore; you just wanted the pain to finally stop. Soon, your service pistol sitting on your bedside table started looking more and more tantalizing. You were standing in front of your bathroom mirror, peering at the disheveled mess that stared back at you. Out of all the thoughts racing through your head, there was one phrase that you heard louder than the rest, “end it”.

You walked back to your bedroom and picked the handgun up off the bedside table. You opened the drawer to the bedside table and took out the pistol’s magazine, slid the magazine into the grip, racked back the slide, and released the slide, sending a live round into the chamber. You then sat the gun down on the bed and picked up a legal pad and a pen and began to scribble out your suicide note.

“To whoever finds this, know that I am no more. My name was (F/N) (L/N) and I was an officer for the Detroit Police Department. Please give this letter to my colleagues as I don’t really have any friends or family outside of my profession. You may want to know why I went this route, so let me explain.

I finally did it; I pulled the trigger. I had nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, and almost nobody to go to. I’ve called out into the darkness, trying to get help, hoping that someone would listen, but no one would. The people I failed on that day, their faces haunt me; they haunt my dreams, they manifest in my hallucinations, and I can’t escape them.

Every resting and waking moment are a veritable hell for me. I want the pain to stop, good God, I want it to stop, even if it comes at the cost of extinguishing my own life. If there is some sort of higher power, I hope that it gives me the mercy that I desire: the sweet release of death. It’s all just too much.

There is a message I have for two people in particular, Hank Anderson and his partner Connor. Thank you for everything. Thank you for listening and thank you for caring when everyone else didn’t. I hope you both understand that I can’t go forward anymore; the pain is just too much, and I just feel so lost and broken. Thanks for being my only beacons of light in this endless sea of darkness.”

You got up from your bed and began walking throughout your house, turning off the lights and shutting the blinds. Nothing mattered anymore; there was only pain. You walked back to the bedroom and picked the handgun up off the bed as well as the suicide note. You then walked back out into your living room where empty bottles of whiskey, vodka, rum and other garbage was strewn about. You dropped to your knees at the center of the room, the impact on the laminate floor making you slightly wince. You slid some of the garbage off the coffee table and sat the suicide note down. You then lifted the gun to your right temple and began working up the courage to pull the trigger.

Hank drifted his beaten-up Caprice around a corner as he and Connor were rushing to your house. Not a word was shared between himself and his android partner. They were both worried, but Connor wouldn’t admit it; he didn’t see himself as a deviant YET. The anemic, 170 horsepower, Chevrolet V8 growled as it was pushing 70 MPH. Nearing the end of the cul-de-sac, Hank slammed on the brakes and the 3,604-pound hunk of Detroit steel came skidding to a halt, hopping the curb and eventually stopping in your yard. The driver and passenger side doors flew open and both occupants came barreling out of the vehicle.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, I hope we aren’t late.” the grizzled detective muttered as he followed behind his partner who was sprinting toward your front door.

Connor spared no time in kicking the front door open to your abode to stop you from ending your life. The door flung open with the sound of a loud crack and the splintering of wood. Your eyes were struggling to adjust to the sudden brightness, but you knew who was there: Connor. The android’s eyes were able to adjust quickly, and he saw exactly what you were doing. A popup appeared in his vision that read out, “Imminent Suicide”. In a split second, Connor calculated his probability of success: 33%, not very good odds.

Hank looked over Connor’s shoulder to see you, and it tore him apart; he was no stranger to wanting to kill himself, but looking at you, the person who was the friendliest rookie he ever met, now with a gun pressed against her own head, ripped him in half. Even though it hurt him to see you like this, he still had to draw his gun; you were armed and not all there mentally, this could also turn very dangerous for him as well. He did not want this to turn into a suicide by cop situation.

“Hank, stay back, I’ve got this. (Y/N), please put the gun down, you don’t want to do this.” Connor insisted as he slowly stepped toward you, hands outstretched to seem as unintimidating as possible.

“Connor, Hank, please go away, just let me die.” you choked out, almost begging.

PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS vvv: 26%

“I’m not going anywhere. I know that you’re scared, depressed, and thinking that it’s hopeless, but suicide is never the answer.” Connor responded, his calm demeanor starting to fade.

“You don’t know what I’m going through Connor, you never will! You’ll just think that I’m weak, and a failure, just like everyone else!” you spat, insecurity dripping from your words.

PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS vvv: 11%

Connor was thinking that he failed, that you were going to pull the trigger and you were going to be gone forever, but he had one more trick up his sleeve: he already knew about the failed traffic stop, and he could use that to his advantage.

“The traffic stop, your partner’s death, the other officers who died, you aren’t to blame, (Y/N).” Connor spoke softly, but more than loud enough for you to hear.

“How… d-do you know about that?” you squeaked, looking up at Connor in utter bewilderment that he knows.

PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS ^^^: 29%

“How I know is of no importance right now, but that whole thing, you aren’t to blame: nobody could have predicted how that would’ve happened.” Connor explained to you, his words soft like butter.

You remained silent as your mind was rushing still trying to justify your self-hatred. Was this really what you wanted? Could suicide not be the answer for the problem?

PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS ^^^: 54%

“Your partner, the other officers, that’s not your fault. You couldn’t have prevented that red ice dealer from opening fire, nor could you have prevented those other officers from dying. Tell me, (Y/N), what would your partner want you to do?” Connor queried as he stepped closer to you, now within arm’s reach.

“He-he’d want me to be strong.” you whispered but were loud enough for Connor to hear. Your grip on the handgun was starting to waver.

PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS ^^^: 81%

“That’s right, he would. You’re not weak (Y/N), but you are sick. We can help you get better, you just have to put the gun down, and we can pull you out of the darkness.” Connor was now kneeling right in front of you, looking into your eyes and his hands were on your shoulders.

You dropped the handgun and let it fall, a loud thud resonated as the polymer and steel weapon connected with the floor. Connor pulled you into a protective embrace, comforting you as you devolved into sobbing. A sense of relief swept over the RK800 as you were no longer trying to end your own life.

PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS ^^^: 100%

MISSION SUCCESSFUL

Connor sat there with you in his arms as he whispered pretty little nothings into your ear, trying to calm you down. Hank excused himself to go outside, away from you and his partner, because if he stayed in that living room any longer, he would start crying as well. As Connor held you, he looked inwards, at his own feelings, they were almost undeniable now; he was becoming a deviant.

TIME SKIP: 20 MINUTES LATER

Connor called an ambulance to take you to the hospital. He couldn’t help you all by himself, but the hospital could; they could set you on the path to getting help. The ambulance arrived and the paramedics evaluated you for any signs of immediate harm. Not seeing any, they put you on a stretcher and put you in the back of the ambulance. Connor decided to ride in the ambulance with you, while Hank followed behind in his Caprice. As you were lying in the ambulance, you wondered why Connor decided to save you. Weren’t androids supposed to be unfeeling?

“Connor, I have a question for you. Why did you save me?” you inquired of the RK800. Connor’s LED turned from its usual blue to a golden yellow as he processed what to say.

“You are an invaluable asset to the Detroit Police Department, Officer (L/N). I could not allow you to harm yourself.” Connor responded politely. You smelled bullshit; that wasn’t the case at all.

“Connor, no disrespect, but you and I both know that’s complete and utter bullshit. There are a few thousand other officers in the DPD. If I’m gone, it won’t affect the department the slightest in the long run. So, tell me, why did you REALLY save me. The truth this time.” you stated to the android looking him dead in the eyes.

“Out of the entire department, you treat me differently. Instead of treating me negatively because I am an android, you treat me as an equal, a friend even. You care about me, and you would be devastated if I were destroyed. I guess that you could say that I would feel the exact same way if you died. I value your life, and if you were gone, I don’t know what I would do.” Connor explained, truthfully this time.

“Thanks, Connor, that really means something coming from you.” you stated to the android, you were going to say more, but you were interrupted by the ambulance coming to a complete stop outside of the hospital. The double doors on the back opened and you were pulled out of the ambulance. The details for another deviant incident displayed in Connor’s vision, meaning that he had to leave, even though he didn’t want to.

“I have a case that I have to go to, but don’t worry, I’ll be back. I promise.” Connor told you with a tone of care in his voice. You nodded in response, and Connor waved goodbye to you before you saw him get into Hank’s car and leave. You hoped that he would become a deviant, because he, and the rest of his people, deserve freedom.

THE AFTERMATH

You didn’t hear anything from Hank and Connor for a while and started to wonder if they got into trouble. You were already discharged from hospital and you were on a steady dose of anti-depressants, as well as going to a psychiatrist to air your problems. You were officially diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and clinical depression. For the time being, until your shrink told Fowler that you were clear to resume active duty, you were put on paid, administrative leave.

You were watching on the news that the androids had peacefully achieved their freedom and the President ordered the US Army to stand down. The president also gave her public announcement to the country regarding the situation. Just as she said that Detroit was being evacuated, you got a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” you asked, wondering who the hell was knocking on your door this late.

“I’m Sergeant Kowalski with the US Army. There is an evacuation order underway, we need you to leave-“ the soldier responded before being interrupted by you.

“I don’t care who your orders are from or any of that bullshit, but I'm not leaving my home. You want me to leave, get an eviction order from the Wayne County Circuit Court. Leave me alone.” you told the soldier in a curt manner that was really just you telling him to ‘fuck off’ without using the terse term.

“Understood, ma’am. Have a good night.” the soldier responded kindly, but he honestly thought you were an idiot for staying in a city that has effectively been taken over by androids.

You got up from your couch and went over to your fridge and got a can of beer before sitting back down and continuing to watch the news reporting on what was happening. You opened the can and took a sip; you were accustomed to the bitter taste. You took another sip every couple minutes as you watched the news. You heard another knock on the door, and you thought that the soldier didn’t get the hint.

“Listen here ‘Captain America’, I told you to fuck off already; I’m NOT leaving my home.” you curtly responded, this time telling the person to fuck off.

“It’s Connor.” you heard the android respond, sounding slightly amused.

“SHIT! Sorry, Connor, thought you were someone else.” you replied, sounding embarrassed that you told your friend to ‘fuck off’.

You sat your beer down on the coffee table, got up and went to the door to greet your guest. When you unlocked the door and opened it, you were greeted by the sight of your close friend and savior. Upon seeing that you were well, Connor let a soft smile creep onto his perfect features. He pulled you into a warm embrace which you happily returned.

“(Y/N), I need to tell you something. It isn’t anything bad, but it’s something that I should have told you a while ago.” Connor softly spoke, the smile still on his face.

“You can tell me anything, Connor.” you kindly responded to the RK800, wondering what he was going to say. You saw Connor’s demeanor shift to more of a nervous one.

“When I saw you try to end your own life, I felt something deep inside of me. I pushed it down at the time, because I didn’t want to be a deviant at that time. What I felt was sorrow, (Y/N). I couldn’t live with myself if I let you get hurt. When we were in that ambulance, I wanted to tell you this, but now is as good of a time as any. I love you, (Y/N).” Connor confessed. He was still nervously fidgeting as he was worried that you would reject him.

Those worries left his mind when you leapt forward and planted a kiss on his lips. The android was shocked for a fraction of a second before he began returning the gesture. His arms snaked around the small of your back to give him some grip. He could stay like this forever, but he knew that you couldn’t, and he should probably let you get some air. He pulled away to let you breathe, and as he did so, he lovingly gazed down at you.

“I love you too Connor.” you stated as you returned the android’s gaze.

You were happy; Connor was a deviant and exploring his humanity, and what is a more human emotion than love? You stayed in Connor’s warm embrace and rested your forehead against his. You were content to stay here with your savior, your guardian angel, but most importantly, your lover.

“I know that you would like to stay like this, but you need sleep; it’s well past 1 ‘o clock in the morning.” Connor advised you, reminding you about your sleep schedule.

“I’ll go to sleep Connor, if you’ll stay here with me.” you negotiated with the android. Connor placed a chaste kiss on your forehead before humming appreciatively.

“Okay, I’ll stay (Y/N). I wouldn’t dream of leaving.” Connor lovingly stated as you walked him into your home.

Before going to bed, he helped you clean a bit by dumping the half-empty beer down the drain and throwing the can in the trash. You brushed your teeth and put on a more comfortable set of clothes before lying down on the bed with Connor beside you, holding you in a warm and loving embrace. No words were exchanged as they were not needed. Within a mere twenty minutes, you were fast asleep with your guardian angel right there next to you.

[writeyourownlifestory]

SUCKER PUNCHED

Chapters: 4/9 Fandom: IT Rating: M Warnings: Mention of past child // psychological abuse, Fight Club!au, mentions of suicide attempt.  Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Beverly Marsh/Ben Hanscom Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, learning to love yourself

Tag list: @richietoaster, @beproudtozier, @that-weird-girls-blog, @s-onora, @s-s-georgie, @bellarosewrites, @iamcupcakefrosting, @reddieonwheels, @ghostnebula, @madidraw @madi-main, @gazebobullshit, @thoughtfullyyoungduck​, @airbenderking, @ambitiousskychild

By the time Eddie was 13, he was allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, and several cooking oils. By 15, he had never swum in gym class and never went to a friend’s birthday party or had one of his own. By 16, Eddie knew that he liked looking at boys rather than looking at girls, though that didn’t seem to matter at the time. By 18, he had graduated high school and that was the end of his social life. And by 21, Eddie’s life had been torn to pieces.

He was a victim of Munchausen syndrome by proxy and now left without a mother, without a home, and without a clue. On top of being told he should go to group therapy, his caseworker had also suggested doing something to blow off some steam. Join a book club or go to the gym. Or maybe join a need-to-know based fight club. Either or.

Chapters one, two, three

As it turned out, Eddie didn’t have much to lose after all.

He tried to think of a couple of things that would make it into a good excuse not to go to the gym, but he kept coming up empty. He did need to start working out and getting healthy. Sure, his mom pumped him up with supplements and protein, but that didn’t make him healthy. He was walking everywhere nowadays, so his legs were getting a good hit, but what about his arms?

Sure, he had to carry the heavy boxes at the store and lifted a few of them while restocking, but he knew he could do better. It wasn’t like he was getting thrown into the ring after all. He would hit a few machines and lift a few weights. Nothing worth bragging about.

After coming home from work, he hung around the house for a little bit, having nothing else really to do. Ben and Beverly were going to see a movie and while they had invited him to tag along, he declined, claiming he had something he had to take care of. The two had done everything they could to not make him feel like he was the third wheel, but sometimes two people just needed to be alone, whether they were a couple or not.

Mrs. Hanscom was working late, so he had the house to himself for a little while. He lasted about twenty minutes before he threw in the towel and changed from his work shirt and jeans into a plain tee-shirt and shorts. He locked the door behind him and made his way into town, down Main street and up to the gym.

He looked through the window, finding it somewhat empty for the night. He guessed even gym rats had something else to do on a Friday night. There were only a couple of guys inside and after a few minutes of just standing there, he finally entered.

Richie was off in the morning, doing a handful of genetic stretches on the mat. Eddie didn’t want to think of how often, or lack thereof, the mat was wiped down just like the rest of the machines.

Eddie liked to keep it clean, as it was something they would do every week back when he was living with his mother. Sonia Kaspbrak wasn’t one with OCD, but it was a chance for them to bond together. Wiping everything down with Lysol was a great way to get rid of any common germs and Eddie had learned from a very early age how to disinfect and keep order.

“Eds!” Richie called out upon spotting him.

“It’s Eddie.” He retorted, already wondering if he had made the right decision.

“Eds is short for Eddie.”

“And Eddie is already short for Edward.”

“Richie is short for Richard. Wanna know something even shorter?”

“If you say your dick, I’m leaving.”

Richie gasped, placing his hand over his chest as he faked shock and dismay. “Edward! How could you? Why would I ever lie about my penis like that?”

“Beep, Beep, Richie.” Eddie stared at him, blank and unimpressed. “Can we get this over with?”

“Don’t sound so depressed, Eds. You’re spending your night with a certified hottie.” Adjusting his headband, he brought Eddie over to the machine. He gave a quick rundown of what it was called and how to use it. “This is a rower. Like a boat, all right? Hold onto that, keep your legs straight, you’re gonna lean back and well, row.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad.”

Richie chuckled, slapping his shoulder before adjusting the weight.

The machine turned out to be a nightmare as it required a hell of a lot more muscles than Eddie thought he was capable of using. Even in a lighter setting, he felt like he was straining himself just to be able to keep up. He did a couple of sets or reps, whatever Richie called them before Richie moved him onto the next machine.

He hadn’t brought water or anything to keep him hydrated so he had to stick with the tiny paper cups from the water cooler in the corner. He tried not to think about how many times that water was changed out. He was too parched to taste the bland, staleness of old water.

When the first hour passed they took a small break. They sat against the mirrors, watching the other guys who came to work out do their sets. “So, any chance of you becoming a gym rat like the rest of us?” Richie asked him, resting his chin on his bent knees.

Eddie was very doubtful that he’d ever willingly want to work out. Ever would willingly want to sweat into his clothes and strain his muscles until he was left tired and aching.

He remembered his mother shaking her head whenever the Olympics would come around and they’d sit by the television and watch all the competitions. Sonia would comment about how they would work so hard just for one chance at winning.

“All of that hard work for nothing,” she would comment whenever they lost. Eddie, the innocent one, who always tried to be optimistic, reminded her about the winners. “They might have won but how long will that last? Trust me, Eddie-Bear. They will lose that shapely body soon enough and get addicted to opioids just like every other former star.”

She turned the television off after that. Very rarely did they watch anything that contained athletes or anything other than game shows and children’s programming. It’s a mystery Eddie turned out even half okay after having a woman like that as his only companion for so long.

He wondered what his mother would be thinking if she knew where he was. If she knew her precious little boy was sweating and working out on machines that hadn’t been cleaned and drinking water almost from the tap.

“How much is it?” Eddie questioned, deciding to throw caution to the wind.

It wound up only costing Eddie fifteen bucks a month to join. He found that to be pretty decent on account of it being a small private gym.

A small group of women came in and greeted Richie as Eddie was signing up. They flashed their teeth at him and Richie commented, calling them pearly white and magnificent. Eddie brushes his teeth every morning and every night, always flossing in between and using that terrible tasting mouthwash whenever he could. Dental hygiene was important and taking care of his mouth was one thing Eddie took pride in even after leaving his mother’s house.

Once his membership was started, Eddie hung around for a few minutes after, using the hand weights that were in the corner. He found himself watching as Richie went around the room, helping out those who needed it. He had a way about him that even if you had just met him, he’d find a way to get under your skin. Whether or not it was in a good way all depended on Richie but that was his style.

They left together after another half hour. Eddie was tired and he knew he would be sore in the morning.

“Now that you joined maybe we could become gym buddies?” Richie had suggested, playfully bumping their shoulders together as they walked down the street.

They did become gym buddies, much to Eddie’s dismay. His body aches for days after the first trip and he had become very comfortable with standing in the freezers of the grocery store on days when he felt extra sore.

Richie didn’t go easy on him but he also knew not to test his limits. They found a routine that worked for them both and on days when Richie couldn’t make it or their schedules just couldn’t line up, Ben and Beverly were more than happy to tag along with him.

It may not have been his intention of becoming a gym rat but he found himself going two to three times a week. Any night when he wasn’t in the mood to just sit back and watch tv or read a book or do a puzzle.

He also went out to the farm to watch a fight now and then. He still didn’t understand it that much, the rapid appeal of going head to head with another person, but it was another excuse to get out of the house and socialize.

Eddie found himself doing a lot of things he wouldn’t have thought he would do before coming. He was eating new foods all the time, trying different things.

He was making his own choices, going out to buy his clothes with Beverly in tow. She didn’t choose anything for him but gave her the best intel since she had a thing for fashion.

He found his sense of style for the first time. He found his sense of reality for the first time. Making his own choices and doing things he wanted to do without worrying if he would get in trouble or he would make his mommy angry.

It hadn’t been what Eddie expected when he first arrived in Bangor. Trying to move on from the life he once lived wasn’t easy but the alternative wasn’t much better.

He had spoken up about it during one of the group meetings. He was half listening, not even sure what the topic was but nobody else commented. It was obvious the director was feeling a bit dejected and thought well, why not?

“We try to find a middle ground. Between the life, we lived before breaking away and the life we’ve been thrown into now that we're out of that situation. It’s not easy. May not even be possible but, it’s worth trying right?”

“That’s right, Mr. Kaspbrak. That’s exactly right.”

“Look at you making an impression in the group,” Beverly mentioned as they left.

Eddie didn’t want a pat on the back for coming up with something that made sense or for just being honest. He knew everybody had been through something similar and he wasn’t going to pretend like he had done or said anything poetic. If they didn’t find something to hold onto, something to shape their life around, then what was the point of having a life, to begin with?

“Are you seeing Richie tonight?” Beverly asked.

He was but not for the gym. The old theatre was playing some old-time movies and Richie thought it would be good for Eddie to see them. He had blown a gasket when he found out Eddie hadn’t seen Titanic and Back to the Future so they had begun to have designated movie nights.

Sometimes they would invite Ben and Beverly and on other nights it would be a rude group thing. The sorry lot of Bangor Maine had welcomed Eddie in without a second thought and they planned on spending the remaining days of their summer before Bill and Stan went back to school out of state enjoying every part of this.

They had shown him all different types of movies, from black and white classics to modern horror. They were widening his horizon film-wise and he found that it was a great way to spend his night.

On this particular night, it was just Richie and himself, watching the classic film Singin’ in the Rain. Richie insisted he wasn’t a dancer in any way but he has a passion for Gene Kelly and Donald O’Connor.

The movie itself was rather grand and Eddie wondered why his mother hadn’t allowed him to watch it. Perhaps the dancing ladies were a bit too much but he found it to be enjoyable.

They found their way to the diner afterward, sitting in the far corner away from sight. Richie ordered waffles even though it was nearly eleven pm, asking for syrup, and whipped cream, and peanut butter all on top.

Richie was rambling on about the film they had just seen and then suggesting a few others along the way. “I certainly can’t believe you’ve never seen Star Wars man. Not even like on tv or something during the holidays?”

“I wasn’t given a lot of screen time, Rich.” Eddie reminded him.

He had opened up to Richie slowly over the weeks of them knowing each other. Ben hadn’t said much about his predicament other than his mother was overly protected and shielded him from the world. Eddie had been the one to tell Richie just how bad it had been in between their weekly gym meetups and regular hangouts.

Richie took it in stride, never once showing that he felt sorry for Eddie. He treated him just like every other person, apologizing only when a “your mom” joke slipped through his lips because old habits were hard to break.

“Seriously, dude. We’re watching it. You’re gonna come over to my place and I’m making you sit through it all.”

“Aren’t there like, six of them?”

“Technically nine bit the prequels aren't that important unless you want backstory and the newer ones are garbage. An only good thing to come out of them is the eye candy.” He placed his hand dramatically over his chest. “Oscar Isaac? Oh, be still my beating vagina.”

The waitress came over then, placing their food down between them.

“Did you just quote Mamma Mia 2?”

Richie slammed his fist down on the table, something that the waitress seemed completely unfazed by. “You haven’t seen Star Wars but you’ve seen Mamma Mia 2?!”

“And the first one. Mrs. Hanscom showed them to me.”

“You, Edward, have hurt me today. I don’t know how I’m gonna cope.” He announced and then proceeds to dig into his waffle.

Eddie ate his food, which consists of a simple grilled cheese. They had gotten popcorn at the theatre and he didn’t want to start pigging out just because he was working out more. He watched Richie gorge himself on the sloppy, crunchy waffle and found himself realizing he had never eaten a normal pancake or waffle.

Everything had been gluten-free, sugar-free. He never tried whipped cream or peanut butter. Due to his birthday being around the time of thanksgiving his mom would make him a fruit cake or sometimes a gelatin cake. He didn’t even know what real birthday cake tasted like.

“Can I ask you a weird question?” He asked suddenly. “Can I have a bite?”

“A bite?” Richie asked, his mouth still full from his bite.

“I’ve never had a waffle. I’ve never had peanut butter.”

Richie swallowed hard, shaking his head in despair. “Fuck, Eds. Your mom messed you up good, didn’t she?” He slid the plate over, knowing better than offering Eddie his fork to eat off of. “Knock yourself off.”

Eddie grabbed his fork and knife to cut off a small piece. It looked soggy and heavy, completely covered in the sticky substances. He took the bite slowly, chewing it down carefully. It was hard to describe; the ooey-gooey, nutty flavor mixed with the maple of the syrup and the creaminess of the whipped cream.

Richie was watching him intensely, ready to jump into action in the rare chance his mom wasn’t lying and he needed to inject him with an EpiPen just in case.

“Well?” He asked after a moment.

“Holy shit,” Eddie replied.

“Is that a good holy shit or bad holy shit?”

“A very good holy shit. Holy shit!”

“I know right? Delicious.”

“Disgustingly delicious.”

“Do you want your own?” Richie asked, already half turning down he could get their waitresses' attention.

“No.” Eddie decided. “I want Reece’s cup.”

“Yeah? We can get you one of those.”

And they did. After leaving the diner they went down to the nearest 7/11 and bought Eddie Reece’s cup and other assortments of candy that he had been deprived of his entire life.

They spent the rest of the night driving around, eating candy, and just laughing about the stupid shit going on in their town. It was nearly one am when Richie dropped Eddie off at home.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot Spaghetti,” Richie asked, shifting in the darkness of the car. He turned on the lights above them, giving them a chance to see one another.

“Why do you think Ben and Beverly aren’t together?” He asked carefully. “It’s obvious they like one another. Even I can see that.”

“You’re not the only one,” Richie chuckled dryly. “I think they’re scared. They don’t wanna lose what they had, you know? Good friendships are hard to come by.”

“What would you do?”

“In their situation?” Richie shifted once more, turning his body slightly, uncomfortable against the restraints of the seatbelt. “Oh boy. Well. Hmm.”

He laughed again, awkward this time around. He looked to Eddie, reaching up to adjust his glasses slightly.

“You kind of told me your own sob story, so I guess it’s only fair I tell you to mind.” He admitted, turning his face so he looked at Eddie somewhat properly. “Look. You know I’m gay right?” He asked then.

Eddie had more or less guessed it along the way. Richie had been very upfront with the flirting, but he also was like that with people of all sexes. Very open and bubbly. Eddie found it somewhat off-putting in the beginning. Eddie, who was so somber and quiet, who had been trained and conditioned to be this quiet, gentle soul like his mother wanted him to be was a very large contrast to Richie’s outwardly and blunt personality.

He had grown used to it over time, thanks to the spare chances they had been given to be around one another. It was still a lot for Eddie to get used to, but after the endless comments about certain male celebrities, it led Eddie to believe Richie leaned more towards one side than the other.

“I don’t make it very subtle,” Richie admitted, another quiet laugh slipping through his lips.

“Back when I was in high school, there was this guy. His name was Connor. We met at the arcade and we sort of . . . we became friends. Like, fast friends. And like Bev and Ben, we spent all our time together. Anyway, I sort of always knew I liked Han more than Leia, so it didn’t take long for me to become head over heels for him. We wound up going to prom together as friends. We hung around the bleachers and all I kept thinking about was wanting to dance with him, you know? Not even just slow dance but just get out there and move our bodies. To just dance with another guy! Later on, we went outside to smoke and on the way back in I stopped him. I just looked at him and couldn’t stop myself. I kissed him there in the hallway. And you know, for a split second I could have sworn he kissed me back.”

“But he didn’t?”

Richie shook his head, his tongue slipping across his dry lips nervously. “Someone spotted us. Soon everybody was gathering in the hallway to see what the queers were doing. He pushed me away and a fight started. He tried to choke me right there, surrounded by everybody until the teachers pulled him off me. He said some not so nice things.”

“What happened after?”

“I had to survive without my best friend. And I guess I didn’t know-how. Being called a faggot is one thing, but hearing how sick you are. Knowing the one person you care about most in the world thought you were better off dead. It’s hard to imagine otherwise. I decided to prove him right.”

“Rich….”

“That’s how I wound up at the gym. After tossing myself off a bridge and living to tell the tale, my parents put me through all sorts of therapy. One of them happened to be physical. I decided after that I wasn’t going to hide anymore. I’d be the real me, whether people liked it or not. I dialed it down a bit. I was an annoying little shit who used to do voices and stuff.”

“You still do that.”

Eddie could count on both hands how many times he would slip into some character while they were working out. Eddie first thought it was a way to egg him on and give him a bit of a push but he soon realized it was just Richie’s personality.

Richie didn’t seem like the type that would have done something like that. Had put himself in harm's way because of the sadness he kept. Eddie knew that it was something of a well-known fact. That some of the cheeriest people can be so dead inside. That the loudest voice could be the quietest call for help.

It made Eddie angry to know that someone Richie had held so dearly could treat him so badly. Could have turned on him for his issues. It didn’t make sense to him and all he could think about was wanting to know why.

“Thank you for telling me this,” Eddie told him.

Richie adjusted his glasses again, putting on a far genuine smile as he glanced back over to him. “So now that you know my villain origin story can I ask something about you?”

“Shoot.”

“What would you do?”

Eddie didn’t have an answer. It could have been easy to say just go for it but the reality was Eddie didn’t know if he would even make that leap. He got out of the car then, shrugging in response as he bid Richie a good night.

Eddie went to bed, surrounded by his sweet treats, falling asleep to the thoughts of Richie’s laughter and wondering what he would do in that position.

[bellatrixobsessed1]

A Flame For A Cabbage (Part 5)

Honestly, I think that this is the best (read: worst) chapter yet lmao.

“There is no war in Ba Sing Se…” 

Azula looks at the clock, she does so quickly before it can fade away, leaving her deprived of her sense of time. It is early, only seven o clock. She can’t believe that they are still working on brainwashing that beautiful, chiseled, Adonis-grade boy. His mind must be as impenetrable as the wall of Ba Sing Se…that is to say that she knows he will crack very soon.

She supposes that now is a good time to test her new selling strategy. Unlike the common household dog, Azula is well aware that they have neglected to lock her cell door. She slips out and wanders down the craggy tunnel. Unfortunately she hadn’t the opportunity to devise a plan wherein she gets herself arrested and strikes a deal with Long Feng. Sure, she has the getting herself arrested bit accomplished but with him frequently being plucked from one scene to the next she hasn’t had the opportunity to propose working together in a mutually beneficial and highly efficient business partnership. 

She will eventually, but until the opportunity arises, she must find use for her time. 

Since she hasn’t made an alliance with the Dailluminati, she must acquire herself a disguise so that she may freely elope among them.  

“What are you doing out of your cell?” So much for that plan.

“You left it open so I assumed that I could leave it.” Azula shrugs. “How am I supposed to sell cabbages in a cell. You can’t sell in cell. Well...you can cell in a cell but selling in a cell is…” 

“You are giving me a migraine. Please, stop.” The man grumbles. 

“You probably gave that really beautiful man a migraine when you brainwashed him…”

“It’s fine when we do it.” He replies bluntly. At least he is honest in his hypocrisy. 

“Get back in your cell.” 

“Or…” she begins. “You can take me to your leader. I have a proposal for him.” 

.oOo.

“Look Bosco! The Kyoshi Warriors are here to protect us! Aren't you excited?” Earth King Kuei asks. The bear looks anything but excited. Sei observes the creature with a growing sense of unease. There is just something so unwholesome about it. Something that he can’t place. 

It isn’t part platypus...it is just a bear. That must be it. 

It must be…

Deep down he knows that it is something boundlessly worse... 

He doesn’t get to piece it together, for the Earth King speaks again. “It's been a difficult week for me. My most trusted advisor, Long Feng, and his Dai Li agents tried to take control of Ba Sing Se from me.”  

Funny, Sei doesn’t recall such a plot point. Could it be!? That the author chose to omit the entire thing in a successful  effort to save time but at the cost of a solid story line!?

No. Impossible. 

Authors don’t do that. 

What is an author?

Sie doesn’t vocalize his concerns, instead he pretends that he cares about the other man’s problems. Isn’t that what all self-absorbed fourteen year old girls do when their fellow teenagers are confiding in them. But he is not fourteen, nor is he a girl and neither is the Earth King. Even so, he does not care about the man’s problems so in the most obviously sarcastic drawl he says, “it's terrible when you can't trust the people who are closest to you.”

Mai and Tylee exchange a rather suspicious glance. Sie laughs it off, it is probably nothing to worry about. 

Kuei pets the bear’s fur. Sie shudders. “But there is good news. As we speak, the Council of Five is meeting to plan an invasion of the Fire Nation this summer, on the day of a solar eclipse.” He pauses. “That or it was a DnD campaign. You can never be sure with those guys.” He laughs. 

Sie’s eyes go wide; a DnD campaign! Those had been outlawed after the great dispute between the Gan Jin and Zhang tribes. “Really? Now that sounds like a fascinating and brilliant plan.” 

Mai and TyLee exchange another glance. “Will you two stop that!” 

.oOo.

“Wait here, next to this dead body.” 

Azula nods. Waiting next to a corpse is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. Even if the body does belong to someone extraordinary and ridiculously gorgeous, who she does hate to see not alive. 

“I’m...not…” he struggles. “Dead...yet.” 

“Oh, well, it was really unclear.” Azula dismisses. For a moment she almost leaves it as that. But then she recalls something important. She scans the room before kneeling in close. “I have a secret.”

The beautiful man manages a wheezing laugh. “I get...it. You’re sharing...with..me. Because I’ll be...dead...soon.”

“Shhh.” She brings her pointer to her lips. “Shut up and eat this cabbage.” 

Reluctantly, the boy accepts his final meal. “This tastes…” 

Azula smiles. 

“Dreadful.” 

She folds her arms over her chest. “You will take that back.” 

“I feel…” he stands up with a grin. “I feel better!” 

“You won’t for long, unless you take it back.” 

He holds his hands up. “That was the best cabbage I have ever eaten.”

Azula nods. “One time I went to the Northern Water Tribe and I accidently dropped it in their sacred oasis.” She was going to save that cabbage for an emergency, but this boy. This beautiful boy...she couldn’t let those abs go to waste. 

“So uh...how much?”

“I am glad that you asked.” Azula replies. “You owe me your life. You will follow me wherever I go and you will help me sell cabbages.” 

The man considers. “So like do I get to pose with the cabbages?” 

She nods. 

“Shirtless?” 

She nods again. 

“And I will attract lots of women?” 

“Absolutely.” 

“We have a deal.” He shakes her hand. 

A smirk spreads across her face. Hot promotional model, check. Now all she needs to do is make a marketing team of the Dailluminati and their brainwashing technology. She rubs her hands together in anticipation. 

Yes, indeed, everything is going accordingly. 

“Good evening, merchant.” Comes a familiar high-pitched voice.

“We have a lot to discuss, Long Feng.” She greets. 

.oOo. 

“We have been presented with an extraordinary opportunity, girls.”

“We’ve been invited to join an underground and illegal DnD party!?” TyLee exclaimes. 

“Well, I was actually going to point out that Mai is finally wearing make up that isn’t totally depressing.” Sie confessess. “But it is also worth mentioning that we can conquer the whole Earth Kingdom.” Sie looks down at the script in his hand and sighs. He hates expository rants. “For one hundred years, the Fire Nation has…” He squints at the smudged writing, “holla...ha..hammered... hammered! For one hundred years, the Fire Nation has hammered away at Ba Sing Se from the outside. But now we're on the inside, and we can take it by ourselves.”

“Gosh, you're so confident. I really admire that about you.” TyLee beams at him. 

That would mean a lot to him if it wasn’t part of the script and if he weren’t questioning her loyalty. “From the inside, we're in perfect position to organize a coup and overthrow the Earth King. The key is the Dai Li. Whoever controls the Dai Li controls Ba Sing Se.”

So why does he feel like things won’t work in his favor?

.oOo.

“And what do I have to gain from this?”

She should feel nervous, she is just a humble cabbage farmer. She doesn’t have much to offer in way of possessions and she doesn’t have an extravagant title to wave in his face. “Oh...you know…” She winks.

“What?” Long Feng asks. 

She winks again. 

“What is in it for me?”

She leans in only a hair closer and drops her voice to a whisper. “Something really cool.” 

“And what is this something?” He implores.

“You’ll find out if you join me.” 

“You don’t have anything to offer do you?” 

Azula gives a haughty sniff and turns her head. “Fine.” She lets the word hang there, in fact it echos down the cavern. The acoustics in this underground lair are fantastic! “Jet, let’s go.” 

“Wait!” Long Feng says as she stands. “I thought that he was dead...how?” 

She winks at him a final time. 

She knows that she has him now. 

.oOo.

“I'm tired of wearing this girly disguise. I don't know how anyone could fight in this.” Mai sighs audibly.

“Maybe that's why it was so easy to beat the Kyoshi Warriors and take their clothes.” TyLee shrugs. “Which is really weird when you think about it. Do you think that they’re wearing our clothes right now? Or are they wearing twigs and leaves!?” 

Mai does not want to think about that, not at all. So she gets them back on track. “How much longer do we have to serve the Earth King? If I have to clean up one more pile of bear poop, I'm going to throw up. I’m not even sure if that is a bear...it’s just...there’s something off about it.” 

“Princess Sie promised that we would go back to the Fire Nation as soon as we captured the Avatar. We just have to be patient!” TyLee declares very very very very extremely not quietly.

Mai stands up, and much louder--as though they were in a high school lunchroom shouting ‘BOOB’ progressively louder just to bother the teachers--snaps, “shush up! Do you want the whole palace to know we're Fire Nation?” Her voice carries. 

“Sorry!” TyLee winces, not bothering to point out that Mai had literally been speaking into a megaphone. 

Sie watches the Dailluminati agents crawl away. A single tear slides down his cheek. He wanders out from behind a pillar, “what have you two done?”

.oOo.

“Soooo.” Azula mutters. “What was it like to die?” 

“Oh, uh, it was terrible.” 

Azula nods and makes a soft humming noise. “Tell me more.” 

“Well, one minute I was helping the Avatar...”

Azula scoffs. The Avatar, that wretched stall wrecking, havoc wreaking miscreant. She will take her vengeance in time. “Mmm hmm…” she says just to make sure he thinks that she is still listening. 

“Yeah, it was pretty rough, ya know?” 

“Yes.” She nods. “I’ve been through something similar.” Though she doesn’t know if this is true. She does not know what happened the next minute. 

“So, what do you like to do for fun?” 

“Engage in political battles, though I haven’t had an opportunity to do that yet. I like to sell cabbages.”

“Okay, yeah, yeah that’s your job, but what do you do in your free time?”

Azula blinks. “I...sell cabbages?” 

Now the boy blinks. “But what else do you do?” 

“Ohhh.” Azula nods, she understands now. “I grow cabbages!” 

“Alright, while we’re waiting for Long Feng to take care of whatever he said he needs to do, do you want to do something that doesn’t involve cabbages?”

“No!” She says too abruptly for her liking. “No, absolutely not.” 

“Come on, it’ll be fun.” He promises. 

“I don’t even know your name.” She points out. “I’ve just been calling you, ‘that beautiful man’.” 

“I’m Jet.” He smiles and holds his hand out. “Let’s go do an activity together.” 

.oOo.

“Thank goodness you're here, Suki.” Katara kicks the door in. “Something terrible is going on. The Fire Nation has infiltrated the city, I just saw Prince Zuko and his uncle!”

Sie cringes, both at the sound of the door bouncing off of the walls (he notes the crack that it leaves in the expensive wall tiling) and at the mention of his brother and uncle.

“We have to tell the Earth King right away!”

Sie clears his throat, “oh, don't worry, I'll be sure to let him know.” 

Katara’s eyes go wide when she notices that she is speaking to a man and that Kyoshi Warriors are all women. She holds out her hand to attack but TyLee is quicker. 

“So, Zuko’s in the city, too? I think it's time to get as far away from here as possible so I don’t have to deal with an awkward family reunion.” Not that he has a choice; as soon as the Dailluminati come to retrieve Katara, they seize him too. 

“What is this about?” He asks, knowing very well what this is about. “Your agents show up in the middle of the night and drag me down here? You will not treat a Kyoshi Warrior this way!” 

“Kay Karen…” Long Feng snickers. 

Sie scowls and then realization hits. There is only one person who has ever called him that. His mind wanders back to the very first time he encountered the cabbage merchant. He had left his wallet on the airship but had already finished his cabbage so he plucked one of his hairs from his head and insisted that she had put it in his meal and demanded a refund and better customer service. She had looked him dead in the eye and said, “kay, Karen.” 

He has hated her since. 

“But you're not a Kyoshi Warrior, are you, Princess Sie of the Fire Nation?”

So the moment has come. “What do you want?”

“I want to make a deal. It's time that I regain control of Ba Sing Se and you have something I need.”

“Oh?”

“The Earth King's trust.”

He does have that doesn’t he? Geez, he’s put up with that uncanny bear long enough, he ought to have earned some trust. 

“Combined with my other secret weapon, I can’t possibly fail.” Long Feng strokes his beard. 

“What secret weapon?”

“Oh,” Long Feng chuckles. “It’s a secret to me as well, but it’s supposed to be really cool.”

Sie’s eyes narrow. This is starting to sound suspicious as hell. “Why should I help you?”

“Because I can get you the Avatar.”

His eyes light up. Father will be just pleased! “I'm listening …”

.oOo.

“What is that?” Azula cocks her head. 

Jet’s face bunches into a goofy smile and he gives one of those snorty nose laughs. It is the least attractive thing that Azula has ever seen in her life. “Dickbutt.” He replies in an equally goofy and higher pitched voice. 

He steps back to admire his artwork. “I can’t wait ‘til they see this.”

Azula hopes that she will not be around, she is still hoping for a business partnership with the Jasmine Dragon. She can’t imagine that dickbutt will look good on her application. She might as well pencil one onto the parchment and hand it to the owner. 

“This is fun.” Jet says. “You’re having fun, right?”

“Is this really what people do when they aren’t growing cabbages?” 

Jet nods. “It sure is.”

[dabblinginmarvel]

Love Letters

Request: None, for a challenge. https://thisismysecrethappyplace.tumblr.com/post/182628907067/so-after-receiving-much-support-and-love-when-i

Plot: Loki has been sending you secret love letters and when he goes to confess, someone else claims the credit.

Blog Tag: @thisismysecrethappyplace

A/N: Er, due to potential tendonitis, I wrote over half of this in talk-to-text on Google Docs, then edited by hand.

Warnings: None? Maybe some missed editing spots?

Word Count Total: 2625

Long Imagine #26

Title: Love Letters

Months had passed since the decision had been made. Loki would stay, but that was not without opposition. Thor tried to calm the team, but they were still wary. Space had not been kind to the brothers. But Thor still believed in his brother.

You too are new to the team. You had superpowers, and how your family treated you (your weight and powers) drove you to join the team.

You weren’t used to life with the team. Especially since the brothers had come three weeks before you had. It also did not help that the rest of the team was American and you weren’t. You had to work to keep up with some of their slang and how they used certain words. Also, what the hell was a foot in measurement? Why couldn’t they just use meters?

Tony wanted to throw a party which was odd for these days. After the fight no one was in much of a fighting mood the team had one but there had been a cost. Many lives have been lost despite the destruction of the stones. Part of the reason Tony wanted to throw a party was to get to know you and to remind everyone that they were alive. This was a small party, limited to those who knew the team personally. Maria Hill still thought this was a bad idea, but who was she to override Tony, when he had just saved the world, and the rest of the team was looking for a reason to celebrate rather than mourn. Well, it hadn’t been just him who saved the world, but he had finished off the last stone. That volcano was going to be erupting for centuries, but it was on the other side of the universe on an uninhabited planet, so no one would ever know.

In the midst of preparations for the party, something odd also happened to you. You began to find little cards outside your door. They had little love letters in them, but you didn’t know who sent them. There was no one on the team that you knew of that could be sending you these, so you had a mystery on your hands. You felt like the Scooby gang but at that point you didn’t care.

These letters were very sweet and although written with grammar you didn’t see people normally using, you fell in love with it.

It was time to investigate. But you didn’t know where to start.

“Steve!” you shouted into the hallway. Steve came running.

“What’s wrong?” he shouted back. He knew nothing was really wrong, but he figured he would play along anyway.

“I need your help!” you said. “But I don’t know where to start.”

“What exactly do you need help with?” Steve asked. You held up fifteen love letters.

“I keep getting these," you said. "But I don’t know who they’re from.”

“Well aren’t your investigating skills legendary?” Steve asked as he waltzed toward you.

You rolled your eyes playfully. “Yes but there are no clues,” you replied. “Do you think you can help me determine who it is?”

Steve laughed. “No, I think you should do it yourself. You’ll be surprised what you find.”

ou squinted and put your hands on your hips. “Care to tell me what you’re hiding from me?”

Steve merely shook his head, laughed, then left. He shouted over his shoulder as he left, “Don’t forget, the party is tonight! Tony wouldn’t want you to miss it.”

You growled and rolled your eyes. Tony could kiss your ass and you could care less, but if this had anything to do with your secret admirer, you would be hard-pressed into not going.

You went into your closet and examined the dresses you had. After everything that had transpired, they were scarce. So you had to go into town. You didn’t know who to go with, because you didn’t want to go alone not anymore anyway, since you would be recognized. You couldn’t choose Natasha, because she was already busy with something else. Wanda was too busy caring for vision, and he was due any day to wake up, which was weird because he’s mostly computer and you didn’t know exactly how his Android brain worked. Maybe he was like Data from Star Trek, but you didn’t want to bring it up to neither Wanda nor him, and if you told Tony he would laugh his ass off and start calling him Pinocchio.

You figured everyone else was booked so, despite your misgivings, you decided to go into town alone. On your way to the garage to borrow a company car, you ran into Thor.

He asked where you were going, and you waved a hand, dismissively telling him that you were going into town. You didn’t want to tell him that you were going for a dress, because you were a little embarrassed to tell him you needed a new dress. It wasn’t because he was the god of thunder or anything oh, but you didn’t want him to tell his brother. You didn’t know if Loki was going to laugh, or give you pitying eyes. He was the God of Lies and you did not need him to make fun of you just for his benefit. He had a habit of doing so with everyone else, and while you had not come into his crosshairs, you had a feeling it was only a matter of time.

So far he hadn’t been too terrible to you. Of course the first day ended up with oatmeal on your face, something that you had not yet forgiven him for, because that was to be your only food until lunch, on a busy day in which you were expected to complete a series of four detailed reports on the last mission you and the team had gone on to remove a villain from power. After that however, he was nothing but a perfect gentleman, but you were worried that he would strike again. He was, after all, the God of Lies.

Thor looked at you suspiciously, because he knew you weren’t telling him everything, but you walked past him. You really didn’t want to answer his questions any further.

Unfortunately one minute later, no less, who was to appear by your side with a smirk, but Loki. That blabbermouth Thor, you knew he had it in for you. Well, maybe not in for you, but he sure had an interest in keeping you and Loki within the same proximity. You didn’t know why, but you were determined to find out. Just not today.

“What do you want Loki?” you asked, a frown deepening your features.

Loki smiled all too merrily, his loose black hair framing his face and looking rather nice - especially since he had a regular cleaning routine. “I’m coming with you want a town trip. I need something for tonight, and I have a feeling that you do too.”

“Now what do you know about what I need, Loki?” you asked, stopping in the middle of the hallway.

“Oh, my dear, I know plenty.” His smirk angered you but you didn’t want him to know that. It would only encourage him further. You didn’t need that.

You chuckled. “I highly doubt you know anything about me, about what I need, besides some peace and quiet and a trip into town all by myself.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Loki asked slyly.

“Yes please,” you said with a cheery smile, then sped up your walking. “Now please leave me alone.”

All the while as you walked away, your stomach was fluttering with butterflies as your anxiety crept up on you. Why had you talked to him like that when you knew what he was capable of?

Better yet, why had you spoken to him like that when you had romantic feelings for him?

- - -

Loki stopped in the hallway, crossed his arms, and smirked. You weren’t on to him, yet, and that’s just the way he wanted it. For now, at least.

But then he frowned. Was that really what he wanted? After all, he had been sending you all of those love letters. Did a part of him really want you to not find out? Did he really want to stay anonymous? He wasn’t sure anymore. Maybe he did want you to find out. Maybe that was why he had almost put his name on the last one. But he had decided against it. He had already given you too many clues as to his identity. If you hadn’t figured it out by now, then he was safe. He could go along pining all he wanted. And no one would ever know. After all, since when had he earned the right?

He went to Thor, instead of running after you again.

His brother was struggling to figure out the remote control in the main living space. Loki rolled his eyes at the terrible, clunky clicking coming from the poor device.

“Ah, Loki, how does this thing work?” His forehead wrinkled out of confusion.

“Never mind that mindless Midgardian tool, I need your help.”

“Ah, brother, you must be truly desperate to seek my help,” Thor laughed. Loki scowled at his word choice.

“Unfortunately, you may be right.”

“Then what do you need?”

“I need this to be kept quiet, between us.”

“Go on.”

“It’s about Y/N.”

“Well, what about her?”

“She is all I can think of. I need to know how to really get her attention.”

“What do you know about her?”

“I know her family has bullied her for her weight, she is anxious and depressed, shy, full of wit and sarcasm, and her accent is delightful to listen to.”

Thor laughed. “Brother, she speaks almost like we do.”

Loki shook his head. “Not quite, many words she says are really nice to listen to….”

“Well, then tell her.”

“I don’t want her to worry that I pity her.”

“Why would she worry?”

Loki scoffed. “She hasn’t had a date since we’ve known her.”

Thor laughed. “We haven’t known her that long! If you haven’t noticed, humans don’t go from person to person all that often.”

Loki grumbled to himself.

“Well, why don’t you write her another one of your letters?” Loki’s mouth dropped open to protest, but Thor cut him off. “I know she has been receiving letters and I know you hold feelings for her. There is hardly reason to deny the facts.”

Loki made to leave and Thor spoke once more. “Loki, just leave her one more letter asking her to meet you tonight at the party.”

He hated to admit it, but his brother was right. Without another word to him, Loki went to the room he had been granted and started to write another letter to leave at your door for when you returned.

Loki had decided not to lurk about unseen while you read the note with the door open like always - he decided he would rather find out your answer at the party.

- - -

When you arrived at the party, you were beyond impressed. All the stops had been pulled out for this one, but this was the first Avengers party you had been to, so you had nothing to compare it to. It all just looked magnificent.

You spied Steve from across the room and he toasted his drink to you with a knowing smirk, causing you to grip the heartwarmingly beautiful letter in your hand tighter.

Seemingly as if out of nowhere, Agent Something-or-Other (Brian? Brayden? Brandon? You didn’t know - he was brand new) popped up beside you.

“Looking for your loverboy?”

You stepped back a pace, then frowned. “I’m sorry, what?”

He nodded toward your letter in your hand, still smiling. “You’re looking for me.”

“I am?”

“I would hope so. I’ve been sending you the letters for a while, now. Didn’t you figure it out?”

You chewed on the inside of your cheek, choosing your words carefully. “I must have come to the wrong conclusion.”

“Who did you think I was?”

“I hadn’t finished piecing the puzzle together.”

“I see.”

Unbeknownst to you, Loki glanced in your direction and froze. You held up the letter and frowned between it and the guy. Suddenly, things clicked into place and he stopped pretending to be paying attention to the small chatter between Wanda and Natasha.

Loki clenched and unclenched his fists as he watched the guy take credit for all he had done for you. “Excuse me,” he said. “I have to go make a scene.” With that, he left Wanda and Natasha to go confront you.

When he saw you and the guy chuckling between each other, he noticed there was discomfort in your eyes. Something wasn’t right.

The closer he got, the more he noticed it. You did not like what you were seeing. Obviously, you had been expecting something, or someone, else. Loki sidled up to you, and smiled at the man.

“Is there something I can help you with?” Loki asked, his eyes sparkling dangerously.

The man wasn’t threatened, yet. “Oh, I was just telling your friend that I have been sending them the letters they have been getting.”

“That’s impossible,” purred Loki. “Because I have been sending them.”

You turned to look at Loki, surprise in your eyes. But there was no disappointment.

“Oh, have you?” you asked. “May I speak with you a moment? Excuse us, Brian.”

You guided Loki across the dance floor, away from the crowd, into the hallway.

“Loki,” you said quietly. “Why have you been sending me Anonymous secret admirer letters?”

Loki glanced at the floor, all of the sudden bashful. He didn’t say anything, he just shrugged, his hands behind his back fiddling.

“Loki?” you prodded.

He heaved a deep sigh, then looked over your shoulder and did not meet your eyes. “I was just kind of hoping that you’d… y’know… fall in love with me.”

You open your mouth to speak, but nothing would come out. It was like your brain had emptied itself under the floor, and you couldn’t pick up the pieces and put them in a structured enough sentence to express how you were feeling. Although, you didn’t quite know how you were feeling anyway. You could feel confusion and relief. But you didn’t know what else there was, yet. So, you used your hand to reach out and grab his in a comforting gesture, but he kept his hand behind his back so you only touched his elbow.

“Why didn’t you tell me in the first place?” You asked. Loki just shrugged again. You thought back to the contents of the letters. It was then you realized what had happened. Why he didn’t tell you to your face until now. “Loki,” you said, “I’m not afraid of you. I know that’s one of the things you are afraid of, but I’m not.”

“I did not want to add on to any of your emotional problems by admitting it was me.”

“You wouldn’t have. In fact, it would have been a relief.”

“Why would it have been a relief?” Loki’s brow furrowed.

“Because I feel the same way,” you admitted quietly. “I wouldn’t have been able to tell you because I was too shy. And I could have answered the love letters if I had known who they were coming from in the first place.”

A smile appeared on Loki’s face. “Really?”

You nodded shyly.

“Care to dance, my dear?”

You took his outstretched hand with a smile, and then allowed him to guide you back to the dance floor where you spent the rest of the night, smiles on your face, together.

- - -

Masterlist on blog!

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[fandomplethora]

Jihyun’s AE & Rika’s Behind Story

and the theme of forgiveness and letting go. 

so, this is strictly my opinion, not meant to upset anyone or start arguments - just where i stand on everything at this moment. this game always has a way of making you reevaluate things and reflect more. also, they have a way of throwing major facts in to really turn the story to a somewhat new direction. so, again, this is my opinion - and...i’m writing this so i can get my thoughts organized after staying up all night completing everything. just a warning - this is going to be a very, v e r y long post. 

SPOILERS AHEAD. 

i saw many people complaining about Jihyun not being in his own AE that much. and, i understand that, because they hyped it up by releasing it on Valentine’s Day making it seem like the AE was going to take place, perhaps, after him and MC reunite at the party. but...i think that the way they did it actually answered a lot more of our questions. 

because the main complaint of Another Story was that it seemed like for whoever you saved, the other would be sacrificed. (Jihyun’s Route - they left us thinking Saeran was dead and on Saeran’s Route, Jihyun disappears with Rika & Saeyoung and Vanderwood are kidnapped by the Prime Minister.) to show everything all romantic and “lovey dovey” (as Zen and Yoosung would say) -  with just showing the fate of the other characters as a passing thought, would have really made audiences/players upset too. at least, it would have for me. this route and AE, and just Another Story as a whole, was not just about romance. (just like in the other routes too.) it is about support and healing and recovery and self acceptance. and then romance.

Saeyoung, Jihyun and Saeran (a n d Rika/Mina) are three/four of the characters most wrapped up in this main storyline. with Jumin and Yoosung right behind them and Hyun and Jaehee and Vanderwood behind them. (this is not me rating the characters or saying how important they are - at the end of the day, they are all equally involved in this story and have equal bearing on it. i’m just saying that Jihyun and Mina were at the center of the RFA as an organization and they are the ones who “adopted” Saeyoung and Saeran. Jumin is Jihyun’s best friend/family and, by proxy, Rika’s friend, and Yoosung is Rika’s adoptive cousin. Zen and Jaehee had no previous connection to the situation before the RFA. Vanderwood kind of did by being Saeyoung’s colleague and, later, good friend but...again, he had no awareness or connection to the situation as a whole. the last three became involved later after becoming friends with everyone and involved in the RFA.) but, by the time we d o reach present day with the RFA and the timeline of their routes and AE’s...everyone, e v e r y o n e, is involved and has equal weight in the situation.

okay, but back to what i was saying, the reason why, i believe, Cheritz created “episodes” for Jihyun’s route is the same reason Saeyoung had secret endings attached to his route. there was so much more to uncover, discover and solve. it’s the same reason we have Rika’s Behind Story. there was a lot more to add to the situation. and, why, i believe (and hope), they will do the same thing for Saeran’s AE too. these four characters are so deeply wrapped up in each other’s past, present and future - it is needed to delve deeper. and, depending on which route’s AE or SE you are doing - it IS going to be from t h e i r perspective and what leads to the best outcome and understanding for t h e m. 

Cheritz gave us the option to “Forgive” or “Judge” because of the controversy surrounding Rika. but, also, because of Jihyun. and what was needed for him and his fate. the “forgiveness” ending seems to be the better of the two because it is what truly lead to closure for him (and everyone else). Jihyun took j u s t as much blame onto himself with how everything went down. it’s why he needed time away. to find himself again but, also, do what he could to make up for his mistakes. and he could only do that, and truly heal himself, by helping Saeran. and, in the end, i think being together with Jihyun helped Saeran heal as well. they were both victims of Rika but also carried so much guilt onto themselves for their actions though it was the product of manipulation and/or brainwashing. they helped each other heal. t h a t is what Jihyun was doing what he was for those two years. (contrary to the previous belief that he was just traveling by himself.)

(let the record show that i have not completed the Judge AE, only the Forgive AE, and don’t plan to, this is going off of what other people have said about it.)

so, forgiveness. i think Hyun said it best. he basically said that forgiveness is something you do for yourself and your happiness. i have always believed that. everyone had mixed feelings about everything because Rika is the one who still brought them all together and did do a lot of good. but then...she also had this other side of her that she hid away that hurt so many. 

i think what is getting lost in translation is that...forgiveness is not excusing. forgiveness is something that helps you let go of the past. they never excused what she did. there is even a line MC says about this. “it doesn’t excuse what she did but...” (something like that.) they are not being selfless by forgiving Rika. it was the only way to move on. because by forgiving Rika...they also all forgave each other. Jihyun, Saeyoung, Saeran and the rest of the RFA. 

i believe in all of this. but i am also a person that believes that people can still be held accountable even though we forgive them. while i never endured the level of abuse that these characters did - i have lived in an emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive and manipulative home with someone at the center of (most of) it. and they a r e a toxic person who has suffered from past trauma and current mental illness who refuses to see the affect of their actions and get help. their actions hurt others. when being around them consistently, it is hard to forgive them. but i believe in forgiveness, at a distance, is necessary at times. just because you forgive, it doesn’t mean you need to let them back in or repeat history. it does not mean you excuse them. you acknowledge it and make them accountable. they need to know what they did. but you forgive them too, for you. because how i chose to handle it is that...i don’t wish them ill will. that anger inside of me i felt for so long actually hurt me more. made me change who i was. i recognize that we are not people we need to have in each others lives. for the sake of our mental health and happiness and future. ...and i’m still, even today, working on the forgiveness part. (i would probably need a couple years away to do so too...and i didn’t go through nearly as much as the MM characters did.) but i do think it is something i need to do...for me. just like they needed to do what they did for them. 

so, i do wish Rika had been held more accountable. b u t, in a sense, she was. e v e r y t h i n g came out. what she did and said. what happened within the RFA. who the Prime Minister really was and who Saeyoung and Saeran really were. and, i thought, at first...all of her guilt was just a lapse and/or manipulation. but she was actually feeling guilty - but, more than that, she turned herself in. she admitted she was wrong. she helped reveal who the Prime Minister was. while she did not serve time or spend time in treatment...she achieved self love as well. self revelation, in a sense. but...i know the question - at what cost? and that’s the part that gets me. 

but i don’t think that things would have turned out the same if other things had not gone the same way. as in, if Saeyoung and Saeran had not been brought back together, if the Prime Minister was still after them, if Jihyun hadn’t done what he was able to...she would not have been able to move on either as she did. i, personally, think that it would have shown even more true growth if she had served time (and been held accountable by the law more) in a mental health facility and then came back the other side still with her new perspective and continued going to therapy even when she was out. (but i have read that she was still held accountable by the public.) (and, side note, w o w - the public really came through for the other situations as well.) 

in reality - i just don’t know if this is because of the lack of awareness of mental health in Korea that i have heard other people mention, but another thing that left me with mixed feelings is that...Rika is not just magically better. (while her actions a r e her choices) she has severe past trauma, abuse and mental illness that is n o t her fault that she needs professional help for. this has not changed. so, i did not like how she just went off on her own, to live her own life, without this being further addressed. going along with the previous paragraph, i think a way to properly approach these facts is to show her accepting treatment as well. not just show a conversation with God and then, bam, that’s it. that is not how it works. if religion or some kind of revelation helps you, that’s great. but it can’t be the only step. Rika...Mina is sure to have relapses, is sure to have moments when those dark thoughts come back. she needs professional help and continued treatment to help her learn how to deal with these facts and separate who she really is from them. that is what having anxiety, depression, PTSD, BPD, personality disorders...whatever you feel she has, is about. her symptoms are not her fault, her actions and reactions to them are what she is to be held accountable for. to show her receiving treatment again, as she even does go live her own life, would have been a healthy message. also, again, to show her having consequences for her actions but then still coming out better on the other side would have been okay too. the discussion with God was very deep but even She said that there are things Rika had to do for the sake of the future still. i just hope that maybe ongoing treatment is mentioned for her in the future.  

also, in terms of legal action, if we are thinking about this in reality - what about all the other hundreds of believers she had with her at Mint Eye. where is their closure as well? i don’t know. i also don’t know if maybe there are other things just left out of the AE or Behind Story that have not been mentioned yet. 

but, as a whole, Mystic Messenger’s (and Cheritz’s) theme of forgiveness is a positive one. because while we can talk all day about “what about justice?”, “what about consequences?”, “what message does this send?”, “what about people being held accountable?” - this all comes down to opinion and interpretation. what Rika did was wrong. it was. that has not changed. i have made previous points and posts about her and those still stand. mental illness and past trauma are not an excuse for abuse. but one thing that has changed is that she did try to truly make up for it, even at the cost of turning herself in. she did. is that enough after everything? well, again, that comes down to your opinion.

because there are many who don’t like Mina. and there are people who don’t like Hyun. there are people who don’t like Yoosung. Jaehee. Jumin, Saeyoung, Jihyun, Saeran. Vanderwood. even people who don’t like MC! don’t like their actions, their personalities and whatever else. 

(me, well, if you follow me or look at my blog...i love all eight characters with all of my heart and i have always had mixed feelings about Rika too. i also really like MC as a character too. (but i also have the opinion of, as long as you are not being abusive about it or taking an unhealthy stance on it, you can have whatever opinion you want.)

i don’t think the AE and the Behind Story was to make us like Rika. it was just explanations, more answers, another perspective to truly allow us to come to our own conclusions. we can still think what we think, keep our stances and have your favorite or not-so-favorite characters. this entire update was just granting us more insight into Mystic Messenger’s storyline. and about finding closure in a way that works for the characters and how they are written. 

this game and story is different because they have very serious and deep themes that truly affect players and audiences. that could, hopefully, help us. 

themes of mental illness, emotional/mental/verbal/physical/sexual abuse, forgiveness, friendship, family, trust, recovery/healing, letting go and love. 

so, i will say this...one thing i greatly, greatly enjoyed...was how the RFA really came together and worked together. there were no secrets, there was open communication. they were physically all together at times even, apart from the party. they were there for each other. a l l o f t h e m. the only “secret” in this was the fact that Saeran truly was alive and saved by Jihyun. but they already suspected him to be alive at least, though i wish he would have came forward sooner. but i think it worked out in the end because it showed Saeran able to come forward (more) comfortably and reunite with his brother. Jihyun helped him recover in those two years. granting Saeran the time he needed along with Jihyun, away from everything. 

as Jumin or Jaehee said...“we promised no more secrets” and everyone kept their end of the bargain. 

this update showed so many different sides to all of the characters. Hyun and Jaehee continually trying to be understanding while also incredibly real with the situation, Yoosung’s reevaluation of everything and confrontation of the cousin he so admired, Jumin’s conversations with Saeyoung and how much he helped him. while he cares about his company it came second to the RFA, his family and Saeyoung’s situation. Vanderwood even talking Saeyoung down and being there for him, choosing to protect Saeyoung and, in the end, the RFA as well. Jihyun and Saeran’s recovery process. and, of course, even Mina’s transformation. 

could some things have been done better? yes. should they have taken a different approach to the subject of mental health? yes. should they have left trigger warnings for the AE’s and Behind Story? hell yes. (the one thing i a m genuinely upset about.) 

but, this update brought new things to the table. it is good writing to write such deep and flawed and human characters. because we are all deep, flawed and imperfect. it is what makes us human. again, yes, how some things were handled could have been better. i am not in denial about that. but, overall, i was happy to see all of our characters happy. 

t h a t is the point. how you may handle things in your real life is your choice. and, so, how this AE ended is what brought these characters happiness and closure after everything.

i wanted to see them all together, helping one another. i wanted them all alive and healthy and happy and i got that. and i was overjoyed to see that after everything that happened. 

i know many have their opinions on why Cheritz did this how they did. i know and i get it. but...this is just where i stand. many different emotions/feelings but, overall, grateful. 

my only wishes left are; that the same respect is granted for Saeran’s After Ending. some are thinking there might still be a Rika Route and are still wanting to see a Vanderwood Route. i just hope, if there is a Rika Route, it is handled well and with respect and healthily. and i am one of those hopeful for a Vanderwood Route too with how much he has become involved, especially in Another Story. and, also, that their AE’s, if they get a route, end well. 

i also wish that the other characters’ routes’ After Endings could have happened without any sacrifice as well. 

and, i am just saying this for kicks, but if we get nine Routes, nine After Endings, the Secret Endings, the DLC’s...i would be satisfied. i also am still a believer in releasing a finale. a “Final Story”, on top of this, where everyone is equally involved and there is no one character to be pursued and it is just trying to solve the mystery that is the RFA, helping each character and helping them reach an ending where all of them are together and happy.

but that is still just my thing. and maybe they’ll save t h a t plot for the tv show. ;-)

no matter what...say Cheritz no longer updates after the release of Saeran’s AE, i will still be forever grateful to them and this game. this game has taught me a lot and the lessons i have taken from the story have truly begun reflecting in my own life. and this update was no different.

i love Mystic Messenger. 

it is truly a game so much deeper than it’s surface appearance and genre. it is a bigger story than we thought...and may not always like, depending. but that comes with, no matter what, such wonderfully written characters that have taught me so much and i love with all my heart. 

so thank you, again, to Cheritz and their staff. and for the kind and inspirational words that their VA’s left us as well. 

and thank you to - 

Hyun

Yoosung

Jaehee

Jumin

Saeyoung

Jihyun

Saeran

Vanderwood

and even Mina

and to MC

i can’t wait to see what is released next. what new additions to the story will come. and what new updates and events there will be in store. but, first...take care of yourselves, Cheritz! you deserve it. <3

[doodlelolly0910]

Hate Me

A/N: So I totally know I'm behind on posting other things and that you guys are waiting on updates but the thing is I haven't been able to write literally anything for going on three weeks now. This hit me from out of nowhere and demanded to be written so here it is. Fair warning, read the tags. This is not a happy fic. Based on Hate Me by Blue October. Thank you so so much to @artistic-writer ​ for kicking me in the ass and encouraging me to post and also looking this over for me as well ❤❤

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Flickering recollections of blonde hair, musical laughter, and verdant, knowing eyes were strangled off with the pull of the tight elastic around Killian's bicep. Just one more time, he thought to himself. If Emma was here, her uncanny ability to detect a lie would have her alarms blaring at that notion.

A bent spoon sat nearby on the counter curled around a tealight candle, the viscous liquid in its shallow reservoir nearly bubbling. He blew out the flame and watched as smoke curled away from the wick and slowly dissipated.

He caught a glimpse of his face in the mirror above the sink he stood in front of, eyeliner from his last show still in place but smudged around his blue eyes, making them look even more hollow than usual. His cheekbones stood out sharper than they used to, his beard a little more unkempt, dark hair flopping into his eyes. He could hardly recognize himself. He looked away quickly, unable to bear the sight anymore, and turned back to the task at hand.

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

Everyone had left hours ago, his bandmates off to the safety of slumber in their own hotel rooms. Like most nights for Killian Jones, sleep wouldn't come. That's how he found himself here. Emma was a thousand miles away and there was nothing to drown out the whisperings in his head of self loathing and inadequacy.

He picked up the sterile needle from the counter and uncapped it, flicking the little orange piece of plastic somewhere far into the recesses of nowhere he cared about. Who cared what housekeeping would think when they cleaned this up in the morning? This fix was all that mattered. He did the rest of it to himself, why not this, too?

There's a burning in my pride,

A nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you

Will you never call again?

He just wanted to hear her voice again. She'd begged him not to go, told him this tour would be the death of them. He'd thrown it back in her face, telling her this was his dream. He told her to come with him and God did he wish she would have. Or that he'd never left. Either of those options would have been better than what he was doing now.

He shook his head roughly, as if he could physically remove the thoughts rattling around in his brain. His resolve to shut everything out steeled within him as he dipped the sharp tip into the poison in the spoon and pulled back the plunger as he had a thousand times before.

And will you never say that you love me

Just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me?

It is I that wanted space

The amount in the clear plastic column was slowly increasing, despite his shaky hands. He could feel his own heart rate begin to kick up in anticipation, a steady thumping in his chest that was a perfect mirror of the pounding thoughts in his head. When he was satisfied, he turned the needle upside down, watching as air bubbles floated through it like a lava lamp.

Images of the last time he was here rose up like bile in his throat. Emma screaming at him and hitting him in the chest, telling him that she loved him when he insisted no one could. She took more than she ever should have from him. And she loved him through it all. It was his own fault it hadn't been enough.

He squeezed the plunger on the needle, a dribble of fluid spurting from the top of it and he flicked the side of the plastic tube, making sure every trace of air was gone, along with every trace of the woman that once loved him.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

He hoped that she was happy somewhere without him. He wanted her to hate him, but not to forget him and all the pain he caused her. It would be easier for her to hate him and stay away where he couldn't damage her any further that way. She would be better off without him, that was certain. Killian Jones never did anything halfway, and that included being a fuck up.

He never deserved her, and this just proved it. Hooking the needle into the crook of his ring finger, he pulled one end of the elastic tubing up to his mouth and took the other end in his free hand, pulling the ends taut and cutting off his circulation further. His fingers searched out a vein, tapping it lightly when he located one. He didn't even feel the sting of the needle as it pushed past his skin.

I'm sober now for three whole months,

It's one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart

Is the one thing I won't touch again

The three months leading up to where he was now had been the best and worst of his life. He'd been using for years after his brother died, something that had eroded the relationship he built with Emma. He was selfish and impetuous in the depths of his addiction, Emma the only bright spot in his darkness. When he came home one Christmas Eve to find Emma and all her belongings gone, nothing left behind but an apologetic note saying she couldn't watch him kill himself anymore, he knew he had to change.

He’d gone to rehab for thirty days. If Killian believed in hell, he imagined it would be like that. He'd never been so sick in his life. Shaking, sweating, clammy skin, throwing up constantly, every square inch of his body aching so deeply he was sure he'd never recover, but none of that touched the pain of his broken heart. He resolved he would never touch drugs again if he could have Emma back.

When he came home, it was good. He apologized to Emma, but she was hesitant to believe him. He didn't blame her. He worked hard to earn her trust back and eventually, about two weeks after he left rehab, she came home.

In the month or so that followed, he and Emma had been stronger than ever. He felt alive again for the first time in years. Slowly, he let the aches and pains in his soul be soothed by her love instead of quick fixes. Every night he fell asleep with her in his arms, breathing in her scent, he thanked his lucky stars that she'd given him another chance.

It was all gone now as he stumbled back away from the sink. The latex around his arm loosened slightly and allowed the drug to begin its course through his bloodstream as he slumped against the wall and sank to the floor.

In a sick way I want to thank you

For holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself,

You were trying to stop the fight

The effect was instantaneous. He could practically feel his eyes dilating and his muscles going slack. The chemistry of his body began to change and euphoria took the place of aching sadness. The self doubt quieted.

Before he'd gone down the path to redemption, he'd chased this feeling incessantly. Blissful exhilaration filled the empty spaces and sealed the cracks of his broken heart. Killian closed his eyes and let the rolling ecstasy the high brought wash over him in waves. He never wanted to come down.

He knew he would come down eventually, though. That was the downside of this whole arrangement. He couldn't count how many times Emma had held his face above a toilet, trying to wake him up and keeping him from drowning in his own sick. Those moments he wasn't the proudest of, but it never stopped him from seeking more, craving that next high, doing whatever it took to get it.

No matter what the cost.

She was his savior in so many ways. On bad days when it felt like he would suffocate under the weight of his own depression, she was there to help him through it. He lied and stole from her to get a hookup, and she stood by him. She'd pulled him out of himself when he couldn't see anything else but the drugs and crippling sadness. He owed her his life, however worthless and miserable it may have been.

You never doubted my warped opinions

On things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself

When it was way too hard to take

There was never a question that Killian Jones hated himself. He was full of cockiness and bravado outwardly, an insatiable flirt, charming, friendly, the total package. Inside, he was a different man. One that wanted to hurt on the outside as much as he did on the inside.

It worked for a time. Before he was getting high, he got into fist fights at the pubs and was increasingly reckless with his body. Between bouts of the adrenaline rushes his injurious endeavors would lead him too, the true sadness settled into his soul. A friend of a friend offered him his first hit at a party celebrating the band's first record deal and Killian was instantly hooked. The heroin filled that void, if only for a short time.

Emma understood. She'd never experimented with self harm or drugs the way that he had, or at all, really, but she knew what it was like to have such a hollow sense of devastation in her soul that was near unshakeable some days. They'd lay awake all night some nights, her blonde hair splayed over his bare chest, the tendrils weaving with the dark curls there as they mused over mortality and the fragility of the human form.

But she would always end her musings with a soft smile, telling him that she really did love herself now. She knew she was strong and independent and all the things she had sought to be when she was young. And she would make him say it too.

“Aye, love,” he would tell her. “I'm a good person. I just hurt.”

Now, he chuckled ruefully from his place on the floor at the memory.

“Look at me now,” he said bitterly to the empty room. “The epitome of greatness.”

So I'll drive so fucking far away

That I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart

To leave me behind

The best and worst thing about him leaving on this tour was the distance he was able to put between himself and Emma. She warned him if he left, she wouldn't be there when he returned. It was too soon in his recovery for him to be doing this. He knew it was. He thought he could be strong enough to hold it together, though, if he knew Emma was waiting for him when he came back home.

His obstinacy and foolhardiness ultimately led him to where he was now. He thought she'd give in, either come with him or wait for him. He was convinced this tour was the right thing for him and his band. All the way right up until Emma was walking out the door again.

He sighed, the plastic needle rolling out of his rapidly numbing fingertips and away from him on the floor. His eyes struggled for focus and his breaths became deeper, more labored, as he fought for consciousness.

This was something he hadn't experienced before.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

“...He was here an hour ago, I swear. Maybe he's just taking a shower,” a voice Killian vaguely recognized permeated the thick haze he'd settled into from beyond the closed bathroom door. Robin, his best friend and drummer. His heartbeat began to feel sluggish in his chest as he let his head loll towards the source of the sound.

His heart nearly stopped altogether when he heard a response to his friend’s words from another voice he hadn't ever expected to hear again.

“It's okay, Robin. I can check,” Emma said and Killian began to panic. Emma was here. His Emma, light of his life, and he was drowning in the throes of darkness. He had to get up, had to cover this, she couldn't see him this way. She just couldn't. His arm twitched uselessly at his side, his body refusing to cooperate with his attempts to right himself and save her from seeing him like this again.

It had never been like this before. Something was very wrong.

His vision began to darken at the edges as the bathroom door clicked open and a horrified shriek filled the air.

“Killian, oh my God, no, no, NO!”

And with a sad heart, I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street

For every mistake that I had made

“Killian, open your eyes. Killian, please,” Emma begged. He felt her hands come up to frame his face, her fingers tapping firmly against one of his cheeks. From the last vestiges of his awareness, he somehow summoned the strength to comply. Tears were flowing freely down her face and she gave a wobbly smile as his eyes fluttered open.

“Hey, hey, you're okay,” she said, a false brightness to her words, sobs catching on every syllable. “Just stay with me, okay? Don't close your eyes.” It was all he could do to keep his dimming blue eyes fixed on her watery green. The pain and fear that had taken up residence there was almost more than he could bear. He couldn't believe she was actually here with him.

“I need an ambulance at the Atlantic Cove Hotel. My friend, he's… he's overdosed…” Robin said frantically into the phone pressed to his ear. Killian could hear him speak, but it was of little consequence. All that existed for him in that moment was Emma. “Uh, heroin, I believe. His girlfriend is trying to keep him awake… Yes, room 154, please hurry...”

And like a baby boy,

I never was a man

Until I saw your green* eyes cry,

And I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling,

"make it go away!"

“God dammit, Killian, why? What did you do?!” Emma screeched, batting the needle away from where they sat and pulling the rubber tubing off of his arm. She was unable to keep the devastation and hopelessness from her tone as she checked him over, her chest heaving with panicked sobs.

He couldn't believe she was here with him. He couldn't believe he was doing this with her again. And this time, he was losing in the worst possible way. He wasn't sure even she could save him now.

“You can't fucking leave me, you hear me? You are not allowed to do this,” she told him. He almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of her demands. Instead, a tear tracked down his cheek and buried itself in the overgrown stubble lining his jaw. She seized his hand and pressed it to her own tear stained cheek. “Please don't leave me Killian. You can't. Not now. I can't do this on my own.”

A lump rose in his throat, strangling the shallow breaths he was drawing further as he flexed his fingers against her face, just wanting to feel her.

“God, make this stop,” he slurred. “Make it go away…”

Just make her smile come back

And shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered,

"How can you do this to me?"

“Ambulance is on its way,” Robin told Emma. His eyes flickered over to Killian's face, wide and full of fear at what was happening to his friend. He still had the phone pressed to his ear, listening to instructions the operator was relaying to him.

Killian was losing the battle, of that he was certain. Each blink of his eyes lasted longer than the last. The words in the room became garbled and far away. Suddenly, he couldn't remember the last time he opened his eyes.

“Killian!” Emma was screaming now. “Killian wake up! Don't you fucking dare! Don't you dare! Please!”

“Mate!” Robin’s voice was much closer now, and Killian could feel his body pliantly shifting under the force of a large hand shaking his shoulder. “Bloody hell, he's not breathing!”

“How could you do this to me?” Emma whispered against his ear.

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah, ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Killian no longer felt anything except for the awareness of movement as consciousness faded. All sensation was gone from his limbs as he was pulled away from the wall and splayed out on the tiled floor. A weight shifted on top of him and pressure built on his chest, a force driving into it over and over and over. Voices blended together and lips sealed over his, foreign air filling his lungs.

Banging sounded out and someone was prying open his eyes, his vision filling with a bright light and faces he didn't recognize. Emma stood nearby in Robin's arms, his embrace seemingly the only thing that was keeping her upright. Her hands were tented over her mouth and her shoulders shook with the force of her muffled cries as the paramedics continued to work on him, resuming the repetitive pressure on his chest.

He wanted to apologize, he wanted to tell Emma to leave, he wanted to never have gone down this road again. He wanted so many things. Sparks in his brain began misfiring and all he could see was Emma. Until he could see nothing at all.

God, he hoped she hated him now. Maybe then she could move on.

For you

For you

For you

[alliswell21]

Alright, so as continuation for where Katniss is drunk and admits to Peeta about them being a cute couple, here are my prompts. Prompt 134 "Was I really that drunk?" Prompt 182 "I've wanted this for so long" and Prompt 163 "Fuck me"pretty please!

Ok @amazinglovers747, I hope I’m giving you what your heart desires with this one! Thank you for the prompts!!! 😘

>>——->

I’m jolted awake by a soft knock. My head shoots up alert and frantic just to find Mrs. Everdeen with one hand on the wide open door knob and the other clutching the strap of her purse. She’s wearing scrubs, which means she’s heading out to work.

“Morning Peeta.” She says uneasy but firm.

“Mrs. E! This isn’t—“

She stops me by raising a hand. “I just wanted to thank you for bringing Katniss home last night, and taking care of her when she puked.”

I grimace. It wasn’t pretty and Katniss was kind of pitiful. Of course I helped her. I’m about to say something but she stops me again.

“I texted your dad and let him know you crashed here after the party. It’s fine to stay anytime is too late, Peeta. Just remember that although you’re college kids now, we parents still worry. Also, I know you’re a complete gentleman an everything a mom could ever want for her daughter’s best friend, but next time, please take the couch?” She says fidgeting.

“Moooom…” Katniss groans next me. She rolls over under the covers so she’s facing me. “It’s Peeta! He’s welcome in my bed whenever!” She throws her arm across my chest, and I’m not sure if it’s to make a point or if she’s still out of it.

I would’ve guess she expelled every last drop of alcohol last night when she retched half her lungs. We almost didn’t make it to the bathroom. It was lucky I was still sitting next to her when she first jerked up saying she was gonna hurl, but to be honest, this attitude isn’t very normal either.

Mrs Everdeen rolls her eyes a little annoyed. She knows Katniss will do what she wants, and there’s little she can say to her as a mom to dissuade her. She pretty much lost that right when she succumbed to depression and Katniss had to step up as head of the family. Mrs E still tries to be motherly sometimes though.

“We will talk about this drinking business later, Katniss. You’re still 18 and Prim looks up to you.” Says Mrs E. sternly. Katniss grunts on my chest. Then the older woman turns back to me, “Peeta, dear, I doubt Katniss will be up to fix any breakfast but if you’re hungry, I’m sure you’d be more than able to whip up something to eat. Feel free to help yourself to anything you want.”

“Oh, um… thank you ma’am. For calling my father and… everything.”

She nods, stares at us in bed for second, shakes her head and is gone.

Katniss lifts her head and groans again. “Was I really that drunk?”

I chuckle, combing my fingers through her lose hair. “Yeah… it wasn’t a pretty sight either.” I forget myself for a second when she nods and her head thuds back on my chest, and I bring my arm around her shoulders and squeeze her to me.

She sighs, nuzzling her nose into my shoulder.

“How come you smell so good? I smell so bad right now.” She wonders, which leads me to believe she hasn’t gain her sober filters yet.

“I didn’t get drunk beyond reason,” I giggle.

“No… you always smell sweet. Like cinnamon and dill. I wish I could smell you all day…”

Before anything else gets said between us, she’s back to snoring softly. I detangle myself from her. It wasn’t as difficult, since she was under the covers and I was on top of them, giving us a layer of separation. She frowns, but rolls over and keeps sleeping.

I set to make us both breakfast. Mrs. E left a note telling Katniss she should drink lots of fluids, and take Tylenol as needed from the bathroom medicine cabinet plus other stuff that couldn’t wait for the end of her shift. After a while, I hear Katniss shuffling around somewhere in her room, and then the door to her shared bathroom with her sister opens and closes. I put her out of my mind while mixing ingredients and beating some eggs. I’m flipping the last pancake in my batch, when she trudges into the kitchen, hair dripping wet, wearing my discarded polo shirt from last night and tiny shorts.

My heart rate spikes looking at her. She’s swimming in my shirt and I can barely see the cuffs of her shorts under the hem of my polo, but I believe she’s the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. She rubs her bleary eyes adorably and pouts as she sits on the kitchen island.

“Hey…” she greets.

“Hey!” I answer smiling. “How are you feeling?” I ask her setting a cup of apple juice in front of her and two Tylenol.

“M’kay, I guess.” She swallows the pills and chugs the juice in two gulps. “My head feels cottony, but at least I don’t have a splitting headache, and after my shower, and my change of clothes… I feel loads better.” She rubs her nose against her shoulder, on my shirt, and sniffs it.

My heart stutters.

I don’t comment on it though. Instead, I smile placing a plate full of eggs, bacon and pancakes before her. “Eat, and there’ll be no trace of last night… almost…” I laugh.

She scowls, but Katniss Everdeen doesn’t waste food, and she eats with gusto. She asks about her sister, and I hand her the note from her mother, where she explains Prim was spending the weekend with her friend Rue. Then, I gather the dishes and start washing them, and suddenly, her small, delicate hands slide around my waist from behind. My breath hitches. She’s never in her life done anything like that. Not to me, not to anyone!

“Katniss?” I ask in a shaky voice, “What are you doing?”

She circles around, squeezing between me and the sink coiling her arms around my neck. “Trying to be a cute couple with my… boyfriend?” Her voice pitches higher on the last word.

We hold each other’s gazes for a second, and then our lips come together tentatively. After a few tiny pecks, I dry my hands on my jeans, and cup her face to deepen the kisses. She sighs against my lips, and opens her mouth to me when my tongue prods. We finally come up for air, panting and staring at each other, and then we are laughing together and kissing some more.

“I’ve wanted this for so long.” I say caressing her cheeks with my thumbs.

“Why haven’t you, then?”

I shrug, “Because you can be a little intimidating when you scowl.”

We both laugh and kiss again. After a while, when we separate, I look down at her choice of outfit.

“You know, I kinda like how you look in this,” I say tugging at the collar of my polo shirt, “but you may wanna change into something else, this one’s got a bit puke on it. That’s why I took it off and stayed in my undershirt.”

I laugh when Katniss scrunches her nose in disgust. But then my mouth goes slack when she pushes me away and whips the shirt up over her head. She doesn’t have a stitch of clothing on besides her tiny shorts. I think my eyes are going to pop out of my head looking at her bare chest. I have the good sense to bring my reluctant eyes to her face, and notice just how much bravery this is costing her. Normally, Katniss is modest and reserved, but right now there’s a stubborn determination screwed up in purse of her lips, and the deep breaths she’s inhaling.

“You are absolutely gorgeous.” I tell her seriously.

Then she realizes we’re still standing in the middle of the kitchen, and her face flushes. She brings my shirt up to cover up, and I pull her into my arms to shield her as well.

“Let’s go back to bed,” she whispers lowly.

“I-I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Katniss… not when you’re half naked, and… you have no idea the effect you’re having on me right now—“

She presses into me finding just how much she’s affecting me, squeaking a little giggle, while I groan. “I think I have an idea,” she says peering up at me.

I’m speechless. This new side of Katniss is about to make come undone.

“Come on, Peeta,” she purrs. “Part of being a cute couple is being naked together in bed.”

I almost choke on my own saliva. “Are you- really? Um… will you… is that…?” I’m not sure what to ask, because this just can’t be happening so fast and effortlessly. I never thought Katniss would be willing to do something like this with me, and my brain is going on overdrive.

She smiles sweetly, a smile that I know and recognize, and that’s what makes me relax.

“I’m sure, Peeta. Plus my mother said to help yourself to anything you wanted,” She takes my hand leading me back to her bedroom with a sly smile.

“I don’t think she was referring to that! and you just killed the mood.” I grouch.

“Did I?” She turns around, kisses me coyly and runs her hand slowly down my front, from my chest to my groin.

I buck into her hand, all comments of her mother are instantly erased and I’m hard as iron. This time we close the door tightly behind us. She tosses my shirt on her desk, shucking off her bottoms while I trip over myself to follow suit. Once we’re both undressed and staring at each other’s body, lightly caressing and discovering each other’s skins, she licks her lips and mumbles.

“Fuck me…”

“Yes ma’am,” I say right before tackling her onto the mattress.

Our very first time is messy, full of giggles, and just a little awkward. It perfect! And I can’t wait to do it again.

[kleiner2296-blog]

My truth:

Last year, I literally had the hardest year of my life. In the midst of all the happy events going on (wedding, honeymoon, family trips, a newborn/infant), there was always this lingering cloud of sadness and emptiness. I was so far in my head, I just couldn’t get out. It was a time where breathing felt like a chore- where most days I would lay around and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed. Being a stay at home mom benefitted my depression in many ways. It was easy to put on a facade of a “put together mom, and wife”. Most days, my dishes went unwashed, laundry piled up, and the house went awry. Carter was always taken care of for sure, but some days it was so bad, I’d hand him my phone to play with just so I could stay in our dark room, lay around and sleep. Of course it was my anxiety that pulled through whenever someone had to come over. I was obsessive over what people thought of me, and sometimes the judgement that came with it- even if it meant just shoving everything into a closet for the time being. It was only then, that it was easy to just hurridly clean up and make my life seem so picture perfect.

On top of that, without going into any details, my marriage was just a bit rocky, and most of it (in my opinion) was stemming from my irritability and anger/bitterness. There has been so much resentment from many many things that have eaten at me for a long time in my personal life as a whole, and it was an easy target to put onto my husband, and it was unfair to him. I will probably be forever saddened by my behaviors and my choices to act on my emotion so carelessly. But, i’m happy to say that we are 110% again and most of that burden/trauma has been slowly lifted 🙂

I was diagnosed with PPD (For those that don’t know, it stands for Post-partum depression) later in 2016 around november/december if I remember correctly (Sounds crazy but a lot of 2016-2017 is literally a blur- which i would assume just happens with depression???) amongst my already existing anxiety panic disorder. I have had anxiety since I was pretty young, and was first diagnosed at age 16 where I was shipped off to a therapist to “help me”.

I had so much guilt from my failure of breastfeeding and so much stress on my plate from carter’s slow weight gain (Which now I understand he is small because those are his genetics lol... although sometimes it still gets to me). I was angry because it was always me up at night and all day while carter fought sleep (Rightfully so! Cj pays the bills and works very very hard!! we love him! He’s a FANTASTIC father and husband!!!) and the lack of sleep, plus crazy crazy amounts of insomnia stemming from my anxiety, were literally making me obsessive and paranoid for no reason about dumb things. One of my biggest anxiety triggers is time, and so every night i would obsess over how many hours i had to fall asleep and then panic when i wouldn’t fall asleep by that hour, and then repeat, until it was too late to even get a healthy amount of sleep. Unfortunately I took it out on a lot of people over simple small minded things. And if you’re reading this, and that possibly applies to you, I am sorry. I am not proud of how my behavior was during 2016-2017, but please know, that although it’s not an excuse, it also wasn’t completely in my control. 

***An example of how bad my anxiety got at one point: I was flying home to visit my parents and carter was just switched to Almond milk/soy milk because he couldn’t have dairy, and I literally went into a full blown panic over how I was going to get him almond milk in the airport/how i was going to feed my child just to get to where I was going. I almost considered canceling my flight over such a silly thing. I obsessed over it for days, throwing myself into a pit of fear that literally swallowed me whole- at that point I called my mom and just broke down- full blown panic on the phone over it. She walked me off the ledge and we came up with a game plan. I’m so grateful my mom understands how bad it can get for me... and over the dumbest things. Mom, if you are reading this, I pray you know how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am for you<3.***

April-June was a pretty scary time, looking back. I was drinking more often than I should have been to cope with my feelings or “lack of” feelings. Not crazy amounts, but enough to raise concern from my husband. I like to have an occasional glass of wine and have a few drinks here or there, but this was really different for me.

My bachelorette party, I got absolutely wasted and ended up having a major panic attack about what a shitty mom I was, right in the club we were in. I’m sure some of it was honestly me feeling typical “mom guilt” for just enjoying myself, but hearing some friends talk about that incident is a pretty sad thing for me. Although it’s easy to laugh about on the outside, parts of me knows how deep that was and how dark of a time it was, internally. I almost feel like it was a cry for help, but came out just as any new mom feeling guilty for “going out” even though I knew it was more than “going out”. It was an escape from reality.

Around March or so 2018, I started to feel like I had just a bit better grip on my anxiety. I was able to relax a lot with carter- even allow myself to let go enough for him to stay the night at someone else’s home. That was a big victory for me. My depression, however wasn’t getting better. I called my doctor and asked if there was any way to help me. She ended up revealing that my Mirena was probably the cause of most of my emotions. This was upsetting because I have an anxiety diagnosis in my medical history so knowing that, my midwife should have mentioned that there was a strong possibility of heightened anxiety and depression. She prescribed me birth control pills to take ALONGSIDE my mirena. So now, at this point, I was on some form of progesterone and the estrogen provided by mirena. Talk about hormone overload.

So a little more background info.... My insecurities started really taking a hit on my mental health as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that i’m just a vain girl. It’s who I am and I am okay with that. I’m in a vain industry, as a cosmetologist! Oh well! So with my mirena causing a lot of these mental health issues, my face also started breaking out even more due to the levels of estrogen it had. **Currently, my face hasn’t gotten a ton better, but enough for me to start to see the light. Sounds silly, but my acne was also a strong contributing factor of my depression at the time.**

The birth control pills my midwife prescribed were also supposed to help that issue as well. I gave them a shot, and unfortunately they didn’t help much. I have a nurse who comes to see me every 2 weeks to check on carter and answer questions I have or give me info about being a mom (I found this program through WIC, and have seen my nurse since I was pregnant every 2 weeks!! Highly recommend!!), and she and I discussed my options. After another panic attack during one of our visits together, she urged me to get some help, and we decided that taking my mirena out was probably what was best.

But here we go... *cue adulting problems*. We didn’t have insurance that covered the removal of my IUD. It was going to cost $400. So I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up- I mean, depression/anxiety is nothing when you live with it for a long time, right? I kept that mirena in until June 2018. We finally got advice from a family friend, and she recommended her doctors office who went above and beyond to make sure that my insurance would cover it. I got it removed!! I shit you not, yall. THE SECOND that mirena was pulled out, (NO EXAGGERATION), that cloud that had been hovering over me for so long, started dispersing- poof. just like that, i felt 100 times better. 

This leads me to where I am now. Sitting here, typing this long story. I pray that, even though I am willingly putting my truth out there on the interwebs, judgement won’t be too harsh, and that there’s someone who may get something out of this. One day, I want to look back on this blog, and see how far I have come. I want to live a better life, I want to beat my mental illness(es). I want to be better than I was the day before, and I want to feel immense love and satisfaction with myself. 

To the future Vannessa:

You are worthy. 

You are stronger than your illnesses.

You are resilient.

You are happy. 

YOU ARE FREE. 

P.S. This is a picture of my tattoo! Seratonin symbol that represents anxiety and depression

[misterrnobody]

[M4A] [DISCORD] M/M GAY ROMANCE M/M (optional plots included)

Hello! I’m currently looking for someone who’s interested in writing a gay romance with me (don’t care about your actual real-life gender). My preferences are drama, angst, slice of life and so on. For writing, at least 2 paragraphs, proper English, third person only and the quicker you reply, the better (though different timezones are totally okay and real life comes first!). All I ask if that you don’t just disappear on me. If there’s something you don’t like; just tell me. I’m an adult and I can handle it. Expect me to do the same. Character-wise, I’m looking for characters around the age of 25-38. I also require a real-life face claim. I’m into writing with pretty masculine characters, both in appearance and personality.

I include NSFW content, for this reason, I require roleplay partners to be 18 years old or older. As for sexual content; my characters do not take the “top” position.

Due to the fact, a lot of people have had me waste my time writing starters only not to reply; I ask that you write the first starter purely for me to see that you’re serious about writing.

I’ve been roleplaying for 8 years on various platforms and am rather proud to say that people always seem to be amazed by the stories I come up with!

I have a preference for OC’s, though I have 2 ships I’m willing to write out (possible plots below. If these don't interest you we can write something else);

Hephaestion x Alexander (which would be in an ancient setting unless you prefer a modern one).

Visual: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qLzu4ondZU

and Colin Farrell x Jared Leto. (Seriously, you’d make me really happy if you’re into one of these ships : )

I also really don’t mind having a good conversation next to the roleplay itself!

We can either write on here or through discord (the latter being my preference). If you’re interested, please shoot me a chat or pm message.

Plot for Jared and Colin: They meet when they’re both trying to become actors as they play a small part in a movie. Colin used to be an alcoholic and is still drinking at that point as Jared goes along in it. While doing small acting jobs on the side the two of them spend their time partying, drinking and Jared even does drugs here and there. They stay at hotels and sleep with women at every chance. One night, they don’t manage each find a girl to sleep with and end up rather sexually frustrated in their hotel room as Jared suggests in a drunk mood that Colin could just fuck him instead which actually happens. After that, they’re basically too busy with each other to even notice others, though they never call it a relationship or tell each other they love each other even though they do. Eventually, Colin decides he wants to better his life and stops drinking which is rather hard with Jared still constantly drinking. He eventually manages to stay clear for 3 months when Jared slips alcohol into his drink in a drunk mood which causes him to fall back into his addiction. He gets so awfully pissed with Jared he tells him he never wants to see him again and with that, he takes his leave. Years later, Jared finds himself in a deep depression and in a wheelchair due to an accident that’s unknown to the public. (In this time period, you could decide yourself what life events shaped Colin). The idea is that there are options for him to walk again, but he just can’t be bothered to pursue them despite the fact it might be too late eventually if he waits. One of his actor friends throws a massive birthday party and the theme is to dress up as a character you played or are to play as Jared dresses up as Rayon (the transgender woman from Dallas buyers club). That movie is on the schedule for “when he walks again”. Basically, Colin thinks he sees a lady sitting all bored by himself and when Jared seems rather confused that Colin is even talking to him he realizes that the “lady” is Jared and assumes that the wheelchair is part of the character. They engage in a somewhat awkward conversation and Colin gets a little annoyed with Jared’s I don’t care attitude as when the man asks him to get him a drink, he gets pissed. Jared worded it weirdly meaning a glass of water and Colin doesn’t know he can’t walk himself so he literally starts about “how the hell can you ask a former alcoholic to get you a drink” and tells him to walk himself putting him on his feet only for Jared to fall down because well, he can’t actually walk. That lands them in Colin’s hotel room who eventually manages him to get the surgery needed and helps him through the process which causes them to bond and slowly fall in love again. That’s basically the main line of events I have up until now. Feel free to change anything haha.

Plot for Alexander and Hephaestion: Basically, Alexander is around 22, the king of Macedon and a little bit of an ignorant asshole feeling as if he's entitled to everything as he's royal. He never questioned everything his father told him. He doesn't have to be kind. He doesn't have to consider peoples feelings for he is a king and for example: slaves are to be obedient. So imagine that a grand party is thrown as there's a slavery auction. Hephaestion, in this story a slave, is part of what is offered and seeing Alexander is the king he is entitled to look through the slaves first and claim those he wants to work at his palace. Now all slaves are obedient until he stands in front of Hephaestion as when he grabs his arm to check for muscle (as you see in the movies ;p) the man simply janks his arm free and dares to spit in the king's face. Instead of hanging him Alexander punishes Hephaestion by making him his personal slave. Actually getting to know him Alexander starts to question if he's wrong to see slaves as a mere object for Hephaestion has personality and might even be more intelligent than some of the men in his personal counsel. He becomes sure of it when Hephaestion challenges him to a fist fight when soldiers are training and when he wins; it proves to him that slaves aren't all that different. Basically, we would turn it into a romance. It would include a whole lot of character development, especially for Alexander. He could change rules of slavery and allow Hephaestion to choose his own career path as he eventually does become a commander and so on? Now men being with men was actually normal back in the day where they are from, but for a king to be with a slave would cause some backlash and so on. We could add things or if there’s something you don’t like leave things out and kinda see where it goes after that slave auction.

OC Plot 1: A has been living on the streets for several years. His father made him leave home after seeing him kiss another guy. A started out with the money he saved and ended up in drugs business. A drug deal went wrong, he leaves the city and does not deal drugs again because the chance of running into the people he got in trouble with is too big. Once again going against everything he stands for, he finds himself standing at the street corner one night ready to sell himself to the first person that shows interested. That is B comes in, a rich man who takes a liking to men but can’t openly sleep around because gay rumors could be bad for business. He takes interest in A and takes him home, offering him a to stay with him in his condo, as well as good pay, if he’s available for sex at all times and A agrees, now having a roof above his head and not having to eat from trash cans.

The idea is that the more time they spend together, the closer they get. B, who’s rather selfish, starts to care about A more than he likes. He sees he’s lonely at home; he gets him a dog. He doesn’t have anything to do; he decides to put him in college. What’s interesting is that their lines are already blurred from the beginning, so what’s just kindness? What's part of the arrangement? What’s a hint at love? : )

OC Plot 2: Characters A and B used to be best friends throughout their entire childhood and high school career. In their senior year, people really start to comment on how close they are and the rumor begins that they are a gay couple. B really dislikes this because he is in love with his best friend and has not come to terms with it yet, to the point where he ends their friendship. A, who is a closeted gay man in love with his best friend is not only hurt by that decision, but also feels like B never truly accepted him. While B stays popular, A becomes kind of a loner and all is good until a picture of A kissing a guy goes around the school. B doesn’t really do anything about the bullying and eventually, A just disappears and there’s no track of him.

Years later, B moves to LA/NY due to a new job. At this point, he’s come to tears with his sexuality. One night when he’s at the station, he finds a familiar face putting down a sleeping bag and approaches A asking what he’s doing on the streets. A is rather rude and refuses help as he’s far from the happy cheery person he used to be. B soon finds out that A pays security a small amount of money to sleep there every night and starts with giving leaving him food at the place he knows he will sleep, though A doesn’t accept anything else. That is until one night when B walks home, he sees A get beaten up and after coming in between he takes the man home despite his protests.  A doesn’t tell him much, though it becomes clear that the picture in high school caused his father to find out about his sexuality resulting in him being kicked out of the house. Feeling somewhat responsible for that event, B offers A to stay with him until he’s financially stable enough to provide for himself and A accepts after a lot of ensuring though it proves to be rather hard as A never graduated high school. B covers the costs to get him a proper education as A starts to open up more as they grow closer again as they eventually fall in love again.

OC plot 3: A and B have been chatting and calling for 2 years, though A has never wished to video chat, saying he’s shy and despite disliking not being able to see it, B accepts it. They’ve never declared what they have a long distance relationship, but they’re well on their way. B is an (interesting sports) player and thinks A is involved in the same sport. He’s doing well and playing an important game 6 months from now and has invited A to come to support and see him in real life for the first time. Though before it gets to that, B saves up enough to go and meet A when A confesses that.. not everything he said was true as he is not the guy in the picture. B doesn’t give him much time to explain and gets angry, then blocks him on all social media. 6 months later, after the important game, B finds a bag with the various things he’s sent A over time in the locker room and when he asks who left it and one of his teammates mentions a guy in a wheelchair. Missing the interaction with A, B tries to find him and eventually does and when A gets frantically upset and starts apologizing he decides to finally listen to him and finds out that A did play the (sport of choice), but got in a car accident right before they started chatting and ended up in a wheelchair. Being in a bad shape, he used a picture of someone who looked like him and assuming he’d play his sport again after getting therapy for his legs, he decided to not mention any of that at all only to find out that his family could not afford to put him through the therapy needed. B needs some time to take it in and forgives him, then proceeds to try and help him himself, asking his parents to pay for A’s therapy with the promise he will pay them back after he finishes college. Basically, A starts living with B in his apartment close to campus and they develop love based on truth this time.

(Swimming would be cute, as B could swim with A even if his legs don’t work).