#and everything always needs the internet now
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FALLING OUT OF FRAME | Part 1
pairing: you x drew starkey
The sound of Drewâs laugh filled the cozy apartment as you scrolled through your phone, settling deeper into the plush couch. It was a laugh youâd heard a thousand times â warm, genuine and utterly infectious. You glanced up to see him standing in the kitchen, stirring pasta sauce in a hoodie that heâd stolen from your side of the closet weeks ago. The sigh made your heart swell.
âHowâs it going?â you asked, setting your phone aside.
âAlmost done,â Drew said, flashing you a grin over his shoulder. âHope youâre ready to be impressed by my gourmet skills.â
You chuckled, pulling your knees to your chest. âIf itâs anything like last time, I should probably have the takeout app ready.â
Drew pretended to be offended, clutching his chest dramatically. âThat was one time! And in my defense, the oven was possessed.â
Moments like this had become your favorite part of life with Drew â quiet, intimate evenings that felt words away from the chaos of Hollywood. For all the glitz and glam of his career, Drew was just Drew with you.
As you watched him carefully plate the pasta, you couldnât help but feel proud of everything heâd accomplished. His latest role in the Hellraiser reboot was shaping up to be a major career move. And while you knew the spotlights came with challenges, youâd always been his biggest cheerleader.
Later that night, as the two of you lounged on the couch, Drewâs phone buzzed on the coffee table. He glanced at the screen, then sighed.
âItâs my manager,â he said, sitting up. âGive me a sec?â
âOf course,â you said, reaching for the remote to find something to watch.
Drew stepped into the next room, his voice low but audible enough for snippets to carry over.
ââŠ. Press toursâŠ. Odessa âŠ. Chemistry angle?â
You tried to focus on the TV, but your curiosity got the better of you. Odessa AâZion â Drewâs new co-star. Youâd seen her name pop up recently in articles about the movie, paired with glowing reviews of her talent and personality. She seemed nice enough in interviews â bold and charming in a way that made you feel a little plain by comparison.
âEverything okay?â you asked, placing a comforting hand on his arm.
âYeah,â he said, but his tone wasnât convincing. âJust.. movie stuff. Our team thinks Odessa and I need to lean into the whole co-star chemistry thing for the press.â
âChemistry thing?â you echoed, your brow furrowing.
âItâs all PR,â Drew said quickly, his hands finding yours. âTheyâre talking about a few staged photo ops, maybe some friendly banter during interviews. You know how it goes.â
You nodded slowly, even as an uneasy feeling settled in your chest. You did know how it went â Hollywood loved its narratives, and the lines between fiction and reality often blurred.
âItâs nothing to worry about,â Drew added, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. âYouâre the one I love, Y/N. Not Odessa. Never Odessa.â
You smiled softly, but the words didnât erase the knot in your stomach.
The first set of paparazzi photos hit the internet like a wildfire: Drew and Odessa at a café, leaning across the table as if sharing a secret. Her laugh was captured mid-burst, her hand grazing his arm.
The headlines were just as dramatic as youâd feared: Drew Starkey and Odessa A âZionâs Off-Screen Chemistry is Off the Charts!
You scrolled through the photos on your phone, bile rising in your throat. They were clearly staged, every angle too perfect to be a coincidence. But that didnât make it easier to stomach.
The worst part was the comments. Fans fawned over the ânew power coupleâ, dissecting every detail of their interactions. People who had once rooted for you and Drew now seemed eager to erase you from the narrative entirely.
When Drew came home that night, you tried to play it cool, but your unease mustâve shown.
âHeyâ he said, dropping his bag by the door and crossing the room to kiss your forehead. âYou okay?â
âMmm, fineâ you said, forcing a smile.
Drew studied you for a moment before glancing at your phone. His face fell as he recognized the photos.
âY/N, I ââ
âItâs okay,â you interrupted, setting the phone aside. âI know itâs just PR. Itâs your job.â
Drew sat beside you, his hands wrapping around yours. âIt doesnât mean anything,â he said firmly. âYouâre the one I come home to. Youâre the one I love.â
You wanted to believe him. But as Drew kissed your temple and pulled you into his arms, the unease lingered, whispering doubts you werenât ready to face.
TAGLIST: @princesspeach124 @idiotussupremus @eitaababe @13tter @drewsephrry @drewstarkeyzwhore @cooper8224 @maybankslover @elyseesarchive @ietss @hoelesslyt @wtfdudesblog
#drew starkey#drew starkey x female reader#drew starkey x oc#drew starkey x reader#drew starkey x y/n#drew starkey x you#obx season 4#outer banks#drew starkey angst#drew starkey imagine#drew starkey smut#drew starkey imagines#drewstarkey#drew starkey fanfiction#drew starkey fluff
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Huney this is the beauty of death
3D is a very dense reality
There is much suffering and meaning can be hard to find
We just need to ascend to 5D trust
It's like if you were born blind, lived your whole life without vision, then got eye surgery and suddenly could see the world and color for the first time
It means plugging back in to... everything
Activating your dna lightcodes to transform dark matter to send waves through the network of the cosmos that connects all beings
REAL time travel, telepathy, psychic prophecy, access to the ackashik records (history blockchain of the universe), communicating consciously with higher dimensional entities, people who have passed on, just actually being superconnected to the REAL REALITY of the SOUL. Humanity co-creating heaven on earth through naturally aligned collective manifestation, i.e., "magical" synchronicities converging on a grand scale by a superintelligent 8th dimensional design
It means feeling at one with everything that is
Learning how to be truly happy and fulfilled
Our bodies are gonna get such an upgrade natural immortality is a thing
Humanity has been held back because of all the dark secrets
All we need is bring it to light, and it will heal
That is the way of life
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I don't know what your situation is biologically but I have sooo much faith in science and this event, this blog being seen by the world is going to cause a MASSIVE wave of scientific revolution. MASSIVE wave of spiritual and cultural evolution. It will truly we a new world.
Anything is possible, just believe.
My roommate who is a trans woman told me the other day that people can now get full reproductive function and choose if they want to get their period or not from a sex change... i was like damn the future is now.
With the AI internet and blockchain tech the world pace of evolution has kicked up to hyperspeed, everything is changing around us faster than we can even notice it.
I just want free press and free speech and provide a platform to give rise to the voice of the collective consciousness, a mosaic of everyone's voices, decentralised media.
It's the next printing press but exponentially bigger.
Earth's greatest leap. Event Horizon. The great awakening. Global ascension.
Literally gaining a dimension of reality. It's kindof a big deal.
Why am I always 10 steps ahead?
I'm not.
She is. Gaia.
I'm her minion, really. She guides me in alignment with nature. She likes to make me look like a supergenius, but it's all her. Most of it, at least.
It's the power of everyone functioning together as one. Unity consciousness. The real kind.
I'm just a regular person behind the curtain.
Wizard of oz.
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I've been curious why you haven't been doing your 'lives' lately, and really kinda wanting them. The few that you had, brought me a sense of comfort. But tonight, I ventured onto another person's live, and saw that they were having to constantly dodge comments from trolls.
I don't know if everyone feels this way, but I feel we are in a good place right now. We have been given beautiful, chess playing, crumbs recently from Nicola and her 'Team'. Even with the minor setbacks, everything is still good.
So just want to say that I get why you haven't been doing your lives, is because you don't want to let the negative spoil the positive message we've been given.
Hi there!
Short answer: I've been having a phase of being "over" Tiktok.
Longer answer: I am not a person who holds their tongue very well. I speak my mind and I tell people what I think about them when they are in the wrong. There are quite a few "larger" creators in this fandom who were taking it upon themselves to "educate" the fandom and become the moral police. Now to be fair, I am now blocked by most of them so my life is pretty blissful but it doesn't mean their toxic ramifications do not trickle down.
I find it very important to let you know that I am not afraid of trolls or toxic people and I will not cower to them. These are insecure people on the internet who are typically hiding behind the face of a celebrity - around here that's usually Nic - and that empowers them to speak the way they do. I guarantee if you met them on the street, they wouldn't say 75% of the stuff to your face.
Now I also need to say that I needed a break from TT lives because the fandom was exhausting me. This is not aimed at you Anon as I don't even know who you are. I am not a spiral-er because frankly there is nothing to spiral about. In the end, none of this affects my life personally. And as for those background characters, I don't give two craps about them. But there are a lot of you out there who just can't stop yourselves and my inbox was OVERFLOWING with people who needed their hands held and reassurance. After multiple N&J sightings in October, I just couldn't do it anymore. It is not my job to hold everyone's hand through this or tell you what to think and feel and I'm sorry if that offends anyone. We are all adults and we all need to find a way to manage our emotions and if you're going to break down over every little thing then you might need to step back and take a break.
That being said, I do plan on doing a live again one day soon as I know there are alot people who just want to be on there and laugh at silly shit and I'm always down for that. I just needed the fandom to break through a lot of this bullshit first.
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What frustrates me the most about liking the fallout games and elder scrolls games (I still need to play more of them and there are CERTAINLY exceptions) is that i donât actually know what it is exactly that i like about them. People will be like âBethesda games suckâ and Iâm not going to disagree that having mammoths fall from the sky and my gun sink into the floor forever is good game mechanics, that itâs a work of art in the coding department, but i donât know what it is that makes me love the experience of playing them. People will be like âoh, you like that thing? Try thisâ and what they suggest isnât bad, but it doesnât have the same, idk, combination of things? I just wish I knew what the exact combo was so I could look for more of those things. I canât put my finger on it and Iâm not sure I can find the same combination of those things anywhere else. I donât really care that the fighting isnât super dramatic every time, hitting things and blowing things up is fun by itself to me, i donât need a work of art there. I like the characters and the way you can just go do shit, especially when you donât have a super pressing timeline. I can build a house before stopping the end of the world in Skyrim (multiple times) and it doesnât actually make the time more stressful. If I want to take it super seriously I can try and grind through the main plot and after that Iâll still have a bunch of stuff to do! And the things I do will affect other things, but in a certain way I canât explain? I canât put into words. I know that they arenât the finest masterpieces and Iâm sure that there are games with things i like about these games but done better, but do they have the combination? The one I canât put my finger on? Probably not. I play games to have fun and there is so much fucking around I can do! There are little details in the environment, little things to npcs. There are certainly things that left me unsatisfied, but there is also a bunch of things that do? Iâll admit to not playing their newer stuff though. Iâll consider eso but my brothers have already tried some of their other new stuff and left me with some not great reviews. I kinda wish people would stop trying to recommend me games because âoh, you like that part of that game? Here is one that is so much better. Youâll see how terrible the one youâre playing isâ because Iâm playing the terrible one for a reason. I like it, even knowing itâs not the best, and i would love to see more games that do that thing, but if you are recommending them because they are âbetter works of artâ or âbetter mechanicallyâ are you also recommending them because they are fun? Thatâs why I play games. I have my limits, and I respect other people who play games for the sake of the art form alone, but sometimes terrible or just okay is fun too, sometimes with less stress, and fun can keep me occupied for hours. Iâm not saying I never play a game for a story, without much of one I often do get bored. I wouldnât play the ace attorney series if I didnât like stories too, but i loooove sandboxes and i canât put my finger on why i like those Bethesda sandboxes so much. Itâs infuriating because I really do want to find more stuff that scratches that specific itch, but the vibes are never quite there. I donât expect the exact same thing, but I do want to try more of that sort of thing, yet I canât put my finger on what it is about the thing that I need to look for! Very frustrating.
I like lore and environmental storytelling and interesting npcs and sandbox games, i donât enjoy super complicated combat because i am stupid. I like being able to pick and choose things and seeing one thing affect another but not needing to do things in a specific order. Is that all? I donât feel like it. There is something more and I canât put my finger on it. There are obviously games I play that do not check off every single box of mine, look at the ace attorney series! But those ones donât really take as much of my time. Once you finish the story you just kinda, leave it for awhile. Youâre done. You might go back later, but probably not right away. With the games like Skyrim and fallout I can just come back after a busy day and do random low stress tasks and activities, or I could go hard at it for a bit, either way I have fun. I donât know how to replicate that. I also like when they add some elements like the sims. I know some people hate it, but it gives me even more shit to do, and I can have a part of the map that feels like âthis is MINE!â and I can leave my stuff (and some npcs) there and feel like Iâm not just shoving it wherever. Sure, you get beds when you join certain groups, but in Skyrim and fallout 4 you can have your own space. If i donât want to go on some adventure after a long day I can just garden or something, even when itâs winter irl! (Although the gardening isnât like irl gardening, it still feels better than nothing). I know a lot of people hate how they put certain things I listed into a game that is âsupposed to be about the story, or fightingâ but i like the eclectic combination of activities, and i feel like they manage to do it without the things feeling like a completely separate game. It still feels tied in, unlike some games where it feels like they just shoved it into the game on the side without any connection I guess. Iâm not explaining this well and Iâm sure there are people who absolutely hate the things I listed, but there are plenty of games without them, Iâm trying to find more with them.
And it has to have interesting npcs, even just mildly interesting ones that you can fill in the blanks for in your boredom. I canât stand the feeling of being in a completely empty world (with the possible exception of PokĂ©mon go, but they have added so much stuff that it feels parallel to the real world, not completely separate and empty) although, when it comes to PokĂ©mon go, I actually did stop playing for awhile because it felt so empty, now you can at least interact with other players a bit more (even if Iâm not great at finding others to play with) and they have added more npcs. I play that game so i donât get bored at the grocery store and can convince myself to go out and walk around sometimes, so itâs not the same. Idk what I actually really want from a game, I canât put my finger on it.
#emma posts#maybe itâs the ability to take up so much time without needing any other players#maybe itâs something about being able to do whatever I want in a lot of different orders#maybe itâs just the ability to completely ignore certain side options#maybe itâs about the npcs#or the environmental story telling#I donât know! Iâm so mad about it#fallout 4#skyrim#long post#I play other types of games too. but when I want more of that specific thing#I donât know what I want more of#and I am so bad at figuring out super complicated fighting so Iâm always like âplz be gentleâ#when a friend recommends something new#and everything always needs the internet now#what if my internet service is bad? What then? because itâs slow a.f. and sometimes spotty
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what if i wrote a twisters auâŠâŠâŠ.
#storm chaser eddie diaz loses his wife trying to capture tornado data realises itâs too dangerous now that heâs a single parent#packs up his life and son and moves from north texas tornado country to LA takes a desk job#one of his old buddies calls him up tells him theyâve got new tech and can really study tornadoes now#but. they need someone who Knows storm chasing to do it#it could change everything it could keep people safe he just has to get them the data. one week.#enter: hotshot cowboy scientist tornado wrangler evan buckley#with his stupid hat and stupid sunshine smile and stupid heart of gold under all that nonsense#is he taking risks for the hell of it. putting himself in danger for internet clout and attention#or if eddie looks a little closer is that all going to fall away. someone smart and silly and only wanting to help#because buck and his friends are there Before During and most importantly After every disaster. making sure everyoneâs taken care of#and maybe with him in eddieâs corner eddie can figure it out this time#can make it so he doesnât always have to worry about his family being in danger of natural disaster#and maybe he can keep buck with his dumb jokes and giant heart and boneheaded bravery#ok sorry iâve seen twisters three times in the last week i cant stop thinking about it#will maybe scribble some of this down when i have a minute#n
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one thing i find really difficult about navigating the IF space is the direct line of contact between readers and authors. we share the same space, and i think that plays a big part in this weird blurred line we have in this community and overall lack of boundaries.
for a lot of people this is a fun hobby and while i personally try to keep it... semi-professional most of the time, it's easy to get wrapped up in having fun on tumblr (or the forums, or reddit, wherever it is that you mainly post/interact) and have a lot of personal interactions with both readers and authors alike - which is fun! i like it more often than not, but i also think that's why a lot of comments in this space can end up being really entitled, over-familiar, and inappropriate.
it's no secret that most authors get really weird messages on here, and while this is also a problem on social media at large and not just specific to IF tumblr, it is still definitely a big problem in this community.
and to be clear i'm not saying that you can't be friendly with authors or readers (i've become friends with a handful of readers myself) and i definitely don't mean to imply that there needs to be a huge divide between us; that's silly - again, most authors are readers, most readers are authors, weâre just people on the internet sharing the same space. but all of us deserve to have our boundaries respected. this is my story, and we are strangers. as a general rule of thumb: if you wouldn't say it out loud to someone you just met, you probably shouldn't be saying it to a stranger online. especially anonymously.
#i also think this is why some criticisms get so messy in this space as well#authors should not always be in the same space as the readers/reviewers#and readers shouldnt be able to directly @ authors with their extremely negative reviews esp when it's subjective#(ââi hate thisïżœïżœïżœâ as opposed to pointing out genuinely harmful content or other criticism)#for everyone's sake#& on a kinda related note: speaking as someone who has been receiving targeted harassment for *checks watch* over two years now#some people really need to reevaluate the way they interact with certain media#i think IF feels very personal due to the interactivity and the customization of the mc#but not everything is written for you. and it's fine to just not like something#without sending weird harassing anonymous messages for 2 years straight to a stranger on the internet. lol#honestly criticism is another can of worms and that's not really what i'm talking about here#but i do think that's also part of the entitlement and overfamiliarity as well#so imo it's connected a little bit. something to think about#at the end of the day my advice to other authors about this is to know your limits and know when you need to extract yourself#and know that you don't have to respond to every ask#especially if it makes you uncomfortable#and im definitely not trying to sound like the authority here this is something i've struggled with as well#like i said it is hard to navigate#and authors can be guilty of this too. wanting to defend yourself or insert yourself into conversations where you shouldn't#i've done that myself#and i've also had other authors i dont know be way overly familiar with me in the past#all of this is just an unfortunate part of online community i think. but im trying to be more mindful about it#anyways. this post brought to you by the weird messages in my and my friends' inboxes lately#i just think you should not be telling authors about pesonal bodily functions in anonymous asks#as an example. lol#personal
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#personal#internets#at this rate I've unfollowed both of the kinda.. 'controvercial' blogs I've been following#since there was a good chunk of actually good takes about how bad media is now and society and braindead internet 'activists' that-#-had it too good in their western countries and NEEDED to invent the reason to bully and excile people#could honestly resonate with it despite some other posts causing genuine pain. but mostly about terribly handled media#like you know that thing when corporations do terrible ass rep to pretend that they care for minorities#or artificially fabricate online backlash against their new actors to show investors that people show interest for their product because-#-of all the clicks on their article?#like discussion of this kind sorta keeps me sober#as a person with BPD I get contaminated by opinions VERY easily and as an autist I will believe everything if it is put together 'logically#that's why I HAVE to be exposed to every possible opinion so I am forced to make out my own rather than being swayed anywhere#but at this point those blog became kinda.. bad? like they don't just have 'opinions' but they hate just to hate#but now my dashboard and recs are full of exclusively things I can fully agree with and I am scared that it will rot my brain#like.. emotions are always the same. where is the 'wait WHAT' effect? where is anger? where is self-reflection?#but ALSO I realized that 'those' blogs are no better than those western 'warriors' I despise and they become narrow-minded too in the end#they advertise themselves as 'open to debate' only to always sway debate into trying to win and not into actually discovering the truth#I cannot trust any side because they're all narrow-minded and hostile but I cannot trust people without any side because-#-they're fence-sitters without morals that side with the winner#is there a secret third thing? like is there a way to not take a side but to still HAVE ideals and opinions?#my problem is that if I am not exposed to people that trash everything I value I forget why AM I valuing [a thing] to BEGIN with#and that won't do will it
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ppl really b acting as if there's only one specific ship that has weird shippers that will complain about ppl not shipping their otp. it's literally always the case you either get fucked over for liking a gay ship or for liking a straight ship or for liking a toxic ship or people just start going "oh there's nothing wrong with the ship but the shippersđ" and you don't fucking know what they're talking about. like can we all just chill. the weird shippers r everywhere it's called some ppl are assholes sometimes. it's not fandom specific
#it's like with the âx ship sent death threats to the author!â#first of all : proof?#second of all: I've heard this for multiple diff ships that is not new that is not exclusive to one fandom or one ship.#sometimes ppl in fandom r too invested and do stupid shit#god#I'm sorry I doomscrolled another Instagram reel comment section#it's just. I'm so tired of ppl talking about mha's fandom as if it's the worst thing of all time?#first of all no its not? fucking chill?#second of all. if the fandom is ruining the show for you then genuienly get off the internet#third. so sorry but half of the time when ppl say the mha fandom is awful they're either calling it cringe (fandom is always cringe get over#it it's ok) they're complaining about everything being gay (so you're a homophobe ok. literally what is wrong with making character queer#ON OUR OWN INTERPRETATIONS OF THE STORY. DUDE.#)#or theyre just.... picking up random shit thats been rumored to have happened or that's just an isolated thing that happens all the time in#every fandom (refer to my earlier points)#genuienly. if the fandom pisses you off that much. get off the internet . block the tags. like for your health.#it's so annoying to try and look at mha stuff or even TALK IRL#WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE MHA#(i am not fucking with you this has happened)#and being told or reading that oh mha is fun but the fandom sucks :///#sorry you don't experience whimsy and are incapable of curating your own experience?#Jesus#(there's also the ppl who r like ugh mha is mid mha sucks in like comments of mha fan but like fuck these guys#you're entitled to your opinion I if you don't like mha that's fine I'm not going to throw eggs at you but like...#why do u feel the need 2 go into a comment section of stuff that is about mha to say that mha sucks actually and the author is bad and the#characters r badly written and blah blah blah. LEAVE ME ALONEEEE)#Anyway maybe one day I will finally leave Instagram but for now I can't bc fukcing. ppl r on there#mumblings//#rant
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#unhappy#disappointed#generally sad#feeling a bit alone#i want to cry but stupid testosterone won't fucking let me#everything is wrong right now#i have nothing and am nothing#it's like that saying would ya miss me if i was gone#idk if these feelings are from my migraine meds but man it's kicking my ass tonight#vent#maybe i should go to sleep#tomorrow's a new day#i don't think this is a 911 moment yet#i just need to relax and idk remind myself the world isnt against me#but it's hard#when i miss out#i waste my time#i just hope#how do i always take a backseat#in everything#i can't even get a kob thatll pay me enough#so im just a big fucking burden and now THAT is making me cry#sorry internet strangers#bye#what am i even doing anymore
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Scrolling through here like damn yâall have good takes at 2am
#I have always known the internet was great in the early hours but being an adult I forgot#also clearly need to scroll back more in the morning cause of the moots in different time zones#usually I have my phone lock me out of everything but I also know the password so it makes no difference#going to bed now I swear#this is my revenge bedtime#itâs like 25° outside gonna wake up and watch timeless cause it fits the mood
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study smart not hard (altough both is best actually) this saying is so true
#my advice#but this saying is sooo true#i know some people at uni who study for exam so long and hard but then fail or just barely make it :(#like what are you doing? i don't mean this in a mean way but it doesn't have to be this difficult#i don't understand how some people can study for an exam for 2 weeks or even a month and still fail and i don't think they're stupid#or i don't see myself as particulary smart#but i guess they just waste their time a lot and i realized studying effective is so important#now everyone is a bit different and has to find what works best for them but there are certain techniques which are proven to work well#there is so much information on the internet on this look it up seriously#it made my life sm easier i never struggled in uni like i did in school and i get good grades#and if i ever struggled a bit it was because i started so late it was almost impossible to pass đ#which is why to do both is still best đ#but i actually always made it and i never failed an exam at uni (which i studied for)#(two i was fooled into to just try without studying bc it's easy lol)#i mean i shouldn't speak too soon but i already made it through some of the most difficult of my studies#ofc it depends on what you study how well this works but i'm speaking for myself#i once passed an exam with a B studying only 2 days as one of the best students while others studied 2 weeks#and got worse grades or failed#still studying only 2 days is stupidity don't do it đ
#so the techniques i find very helpful are ofc exam questions probably the best one#if there are none make your own#then blurting for which there are different ways but i like to just go over a topic and then write down everything i remember#then fill the gaps#quizlet is also great it's an app which allows you to create cards and then tests you in creative ways#videos can be helpful as well for summaries and using summaries in general is normally enough it saves you sm time#normally you don't actually need to know everything but you should be careful it's not a bad summary leaving out too much đ
#and i also like mindmaps bc i'm a very visual person#but all those tipps are mostly for remembering information so it doesn't work so well for other fields of study#well i hope this is somewhat helpful idk đ#oh and reading texts over and over again is the most useless in my opinion i don't remember much at all and it takes sm time
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Idk why every time I have a project that involves using the Register of the Great Seal for something even slightly more complex than looking up a single isolated charter, I always have a lovely plan where I think it will only take me a couple of hours to go in, check the index, and take the numbers I need down. And then I end up having to skimread the whole damn volume.
#No I know why#It's because the index is fucked up that's why#All due respect to those Victorian and Edwardian lads who went to the tremendous trouble of compiling all these sources#But this particular method of indexing leaves a lot to be desired#Does NOT have everything I need in it#And by the time you realise that some lands might pop up where least expected you start to convince yourself it would be safer#Just to read the whole thing#It's 800 pages long#I have been at this since 4 and I'm not even an eighth of the way through#Would be much quicker if I had the physical volume but it's a very old rare book so the library have it under strict control#Fortunately of course it HAS been digitised which is fantastic#Lots of sources for mediaeval Scottish history that were compiled into printed editions in the nineteenth century have been digitised#They are very easy to get ahold of and in my biased opinion it is easier to do online primary source research for Scotland than England#But 800 pages staring at a screen (which is NOT a format I can easily retain information from even if it didn't make my eyes hurt)#Having to physically scroll down the page rather than just flip a page#Is just not ideal#And this is the only volume in the series which is on Hathi rather than Internet Archive and personally I find indexes more difficult to us#On Hathi than internet archive#Anyway#That's how you end up making the bad decision to work your way through an 800 page volume and make yourself go blind#Just to find some charters#But I've already sunk several hours into this so can't give up now! I always vastly underestimate the amount of time it takes too#Also a certain degree of Ill as well. Like I feel I have to Suffer For My Craft-suffering being back problems and 19th century antiquarians#Alright this is officially the most boring rant I have ever had
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God doesn't look at what's on the outside anyway
#jokes aside i am doing better now#i spent two days deconstructing exactly where all of the self hatred came from#and i mean yeah a lot of it had to do with people being incredibly mean and weird my whole life#being told there was something wrong with me or wanting me to take hormone medication#and the 2-ish years i got underweight and everyone kept saying i was a boy or tr4ns#saying i needed to identify as xyz thing because i looked a certain way. or trying to force identities on me.#people at a new church would be kind of weird around me... and i wasnt even in like full gothic attire. just a black shirt/jeans#every week i was asked if i was saved#i didnt understand why: if i was supposed to be a girl- why didnt i look like one? why wasn't i allowed to be one.#but the role the internet played was not a small one#it's absolutely messed up how much idolatry people have for physical bodies. how much value is placed on it.#treating someone like a lesser human for not looking like a stereotype#bullying CHARACTERS who LOOK LIKE YOU#absolute trash#why couldnt i just be me#ive always hated changing the way i looked for others and i still refuse to#i remarked the other day that i missed the time when i thought my androgyny was beautiful#and unique and i was carefree about it#i missed when i looked down upon appearance and thought it was worthless#then i had a *wait a second* moment#and suddenly everything else was a lie
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fun leech information of the day even if it's too personal I given my heart out on a platter constantly and I just cant bother to care anymore
#everything went into a stasis for me when i was 15#and what i mean by that is when ive basically ripped myself apart over and over again ive basically become someone i cant even recognize#anymore at all#i dont feel my age despite needing to be im scared of everything and everyone i dont feel like an adult and i still feel like#im stuck being 15 in my head everyone before me everyone after me ive lost myself on the internet and i will always become situated as a mem#Memory of what i use to be and it fuckinfnsucks i dont feel right in my body i dont feel right in my head and i kust feel fuckinfnstupid all#the time everyday every night#recent events from maybe last year resedimented this fear and i fucking resent what happened but its all too late anyways#i feel sick of kyself im tired and all inwant tondo is spend time with people because i cant stand being alone but that means always exposin#exposing my innards my heart and my mind because thats all i ever did as a kid growing up online#i dint know who i am anymore im just leech now or something I don't knownehy im pouring mybheart out like thisni fell so stupid but i just#cant fucking get a grasp on myself i had to force msyelf to grow up and now im fucjing Violently regressing backwards and its just getting#to the point i wanna scream and cry my eyes out i hate that i dont feel secure anymore I hate how clingy i am i hate thag im liek this
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Although this is true. I don't view rocks as inferior to mountains. The whole "it it's are for objects, objects are inferior so by using them your saying your an object which therefore means your saying your inferior to me" is something I find stupid, being posic and objectkin, I don't see objects as inferior to humans, and actually i am one, but even then, without objects our lives would be so much less comfortable and exciting, so why would using the pronouns of the very things that we owe our comfort and alot of our fun to, be something that belittles me?
i love this tweet so much i think about it weekly, i structure my life around it its so crazy how much one tweet changed the way i view neopronouns for the better
#People do need to see that it's it's pronouns are used for so much more than objects#But#Why are objects seen as less?#Their everything in our society#Look around and you'll see them#Your using one to see this post right now!#Objects are the reason you had a comfortable sleep last night#Unless you didn't which then I am very sorry and hope tonight is better!#It would be harder to connect to your communities without an object like a phone or a computer to connect to the Internet#And with a pencil you can draw and write t#And drawing and writing are very important things to many people#And yes#A pencil is small#But if things are treated by their physical form always#Then most things would mean nothing#Humans are always saying#Not to judge by appearance#And alot still do#But alot of the ones who don't think that this only applies to humans#it/its#It/it's pronouns#it its pronouns#Posic#Objectkin#Reply#not aimed
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I know it's all a joke btw - I'm just beating myself up and dragging other users into it occasionally by accident. My bad. Sincerely so.
#the Horrors were effervescent and my mental health is shot ok#and I'm still responsible for taking things too seriously always because i can't do tone for some reason#and i'm still tired#anyway#my wife and his girlfriend and their vegan mistress and my wife's brother sure Did Something tonight huh#I'm so mad that i missed Mama and Disenchanted and Sharpest Lives because of this Fucking Life I'm in#and because i forgot to check the internet until an hour ago#also please for the love of everything don't vague on a website where that person is already like talking to you because now paranoia#i know I'm the worst and i don't need other people reminding me now so i need anyone to tell me this is emotionally manipulative#I'm not trying to be i just want people to say what they mean or make jokes clearer#augh Kay shutthefuckup#no one asked you#stop bitching you have better things to do like critique the people ignoring Ray
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