#and everyone ELSE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE A FUCKIGN BREAK

[mmortis]

my mum said SHE needs a break after a couple hours of watching her are you kidding me. because she couldn’t talk on the phone

im gonna lose it guys

[kart0]

Little update !

Heyyy everyone !!!! Just wanted to write lol

So last update I told you I was going to my psych appt but she fucking cancelled it ? And then I rescheduled and then she just fucking bailed on me and didn't even show up to her own clinic ? Anyways I got very very upset and angry bc apparently she was TRAVELLING TO FUCKIGN NEW YORK ????????????? y'all...istg I must be a fucking saint to tolerate shit like this. Maybe I'm too passive...I didn't even allow myself to get mad and tell her but anyways. I guess I just am too used to sucking things up.

Ok so she told me to lower my dosage, and now I'm like ? Hm, I don't think so. And I might have done something really stupid ?

And I do not recommend anyone to do this PLEASE DON'T, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ! Erhm.... I might have stopped taking my meds ? For like. A month now ?

It kinda just happened honestly... I didn't have money to buy them, and then I started to forget taking them everyday, and then I guess I just. Idk I just stopped taking them ? And I only did that because I felt ok ? Not too bad, not too good, normal actually. And I know this is such a stupid part of me but I don't really think the meds were working anyways ? And since I dont feel bad, I guess I just. Do not care ?

I don't know ? I haven't been very anxious, I haven't been depressed, my mania ended a few days ago, I feel, normal. And ok. Idk ? When I got depressed it felt really debilitating but then I suddenly became maniac and it was over very suddenly and now I feel better. The only thing tho is now my sleep schedule is FUCKED. But idk ? Nothing else tbh ?

And I do not advise anyone to do this, I am making sure to say it as many times as it takes !!!!! Please ! I am saying dumb things I am not a doctor I have not studied medicine I have no idea what's going on !!! But I do know my body, and I can tell how I feel. And for now, I feel ok.

I am currently tabling at this anime convention and it's been taking my time for many weeks now, preparing merch and stuff, and now it's finally happening and ? It's very.... Idk ? Idk ? Idk idk I forgot the word (I'm not a native English speaker btw) it's when something goes below your expectation ? The event pretty much flopped, the tables were expensive, and I didn't sell too much. Idk ? Today's the last day (thank GOD, I forgot how much of a hassle and a pain and how tiring it is) so let's see how this will go.

I am so excited for my winter break tho !!!!! Can't wait to just play games and draw fun stuff and rot. Yay ! Soon.....

Also ! Haikyuu movie is finally here in Brazil !!!!!!! YAS !!! I AM SO SO SO HYPED AND EXCITED ! I haven't gotten tickets yet ofc cuz I'm busy but soon...soon my dear...

And ? It think I might have a little infatuation with this guy on my class. He is very, and I mean, VERY, handsome, and pretty, he's so good looking, I'm embarrassed to interact with him, and I get all awkward and shy. I just forget how to behave normally ? And I try so FUCKING hard to act normal (more than usual since..I act like this all the time. It's the tism) anyways and I found out he's not actually dating anyone ? Last year I knew he had a gf (she's in my class too) and I swore they were still together, but just were very low profile. Turns out no they broke up. Ugh I just. And he makes silly jokes of me and just, acting like an annoying little shit (he's the youngest sibling) and keeps saying I'm bald and stuff like that (just cuz...I dyed my hair blond ? Idk what his thought process is) anyways so like. I can't even tell if he likes me as a person ? He also keeps saying fuck yourself constantly to me . Like. Uhm ? Idk ? I am very intimidated by him but I can't tell if it's because he's the most beautiful person I've ever seen or if it's cuz of these "jokes". At first I thought it was very mean, and I tend to take things vry literally so I tried my best to not interact with him because i didn't want him to keep saying mean things, and didn't want to ruin even more my reputation or what he thought about me, but then I realized he jokes like this with everyone ? Which, honestly, is very very stupid. Hes a little stupid. I think it's because he's a man.

Anyways, I'm just so confused. I'm trying not to think too much about it because I tend to over project and my mind spirals and I start imagining scenarios and I might get confused and convince myself I have feelings that I might not really have ? Idk... I know I'm a romantic for sure so like. I tend to imagine too much idk idk idk so I keep trying to rationalize and think straight. Like, we don't even get along that well ? I think ? I don't even know if we're even friends ? I know he knows prettier people than me. I'm not very good looking. I'm not very nice too. I'm not good at anything really, and I don't have a very good personality. I am just not good. I have a friend and she's so sweet, and her nickname is "jesus". Cuz she's just nice and hardworking, and she always tries her best. And... I won't lie. I really really like her, and I can tell you all these things are true about her. And...it makes a little. Envious. I wish people thought about me that way I wished I was naturally good, and not having to try my best and work to be normal every single day. I wished people would see how much I'm trying. I really really am trying. But it's just not a natural thing to me, I guess. I always, constantly have this feeling, that I'm always performing. Someone is always watching me. And I always have to be my best and try hard and I just. I force myself to be nicer, more considerate, more careful, more thoughtful. Because these things just don't come up to me naturally. I am not good. Sorry for the rant.

Ugh. I think I just am forcing myself to feel something, y'know ? I've always dreamed about falling in love. I don't think I've ever did. Nor will ever do. I am pretty sure I'm aroace anyways.

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Why are boys so stupid.

I just hope things don't turn out the way it did before, with my ex best friend. To sum up, he had feelings, I THOUGHT I had feelings too, but I just really really liked him, as a friend. As a best friend, in fact. So I ended up things and we just. Don't talk or hang out anymore. Which made me pretty upset, and made me think I might had actual feelings. Turned out I was just fucking lonely and miserable, and he was my ONE ONLY friend. Now that I've been hanging around with my uni colleagues, I don't feel that alone anymore. I made more friends ! Yay !

Also ! Happy pride month ! Happy to say that it's been some months since I came out as gender fluid, and I am so proud and never been better and as confident ( with my physical appearance) as I was before !

Ugh anyways, thanks for listening to me. As always, I will try to work on myself and become a better person every day. Thank u all !

Oh ! Ps: I've been slowly eating more ! I might fail sometimes but I've been making sure to at least go to bed with a full stomach. So I won't wake up dying and feeling miserable and in pain. So this is an improvement I believe !

[backagainforthelasttime]

The world is truly a worse place because I exist.

He says no one else determines his self worth. He knows who he is. He knows what his identity is. He fought back against it all. What he doesn’t understand is that I don’t know who I am. I’ve never been allowed to be me. Being me has always been a problem a very very big fuckign problem. One I can’t handle anymore. One I can’t bear to keep hearing and keep feeling. Because I don’t know who I am my self worth comes from those I love and those I allow to have that power over me. And you you are the one who has the most power and you do nothing but bring me down. You do nothing but point out all my deficiencies and insecurities and use it to your will. I don’t have anything left in me now to keep fighting against you. To keep pushing back. To keep fighting for us because at the end of the day I fight for us but you only fight for you. I’ve lost the fight. You win. You always win. Congratulations D. You won. Even if it took breaking us and me in the process. All that matters is that you won right? Well you did it. Yay. I’m sorry for every fay you’ve been stuck and suffered with me. All 411 days of our marriage. I’m sorry for each one. I’m sorry for me. I’m sorry for Zara. I’m sorry for coming in between you and your life. I’m sorry for all of it and much much more. If you’re ever able to, please forgive me. What il doing may seem drastic but it’s all I can see that you want. It’s all I can see that everyone wants from me. I’ve tried in every relationship be it my parents or siblings or mother or friend or girlfriend or wife and I’ve always failed. I’ve always been told that I’m nothing more than a problem. The problem. You were my last hope. I can’t do it anymore.

[star-ocean-peahen]

Christmas is a time for famil.............ial dysfunction!!

hahahahaha im the only person in this house who doesn't explode when upset hahahahahaha isnt it funny how that sounds like im a better person but i really just lash out quietly and sarcastically instead hahahahahaha and thats definitely worse because it's more insidious and hurts people when they have less of a chance to understand it hahahahahahaha

hahaha dad snapped at me for trying to protect my sibling from his forceful anxious rants and like yeah thats not the best way to go about the situation i see that now. its not going to work to tell him he's said enough because 1) he does not want to hear that 2) he does not want to hear that from me 3) hed never stop anyway because hes not ACTUALLY saying it for other people's benefit he's saying it because he doesn't believe emotional validation is a legitimate emotional need so he doesn't allow himself to have it so his anxieties have to come out somehow and this is how they do that and i cant really get down on him for that because i did it too!! when you dont have another outlet the anxieties will still come out but just in a non-constructive way!! of course whenever MINE did that he mocked me and made sure i knew EXACTLY how disgusting and cruel he thought i was being but BECAUSE of that i know how it feels and i dont want to do it to him!! the point is that i dont want anyone else to feel like i did and that includes the person who made me feel that way!! because he doesn't really deserve the grace and respect he never gave me but im going to try to give it to him anyway!! because thats the point of breaking the cycle!! but hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my drive to protect my younger sibling is stronger in the moment than my drive to break the cycle and i dont know what to DO to do it the right way and i dont have to get it right esp when it isnt my job.................i just hate to see him saying things that hurt me so much to them...........

and its so fuckign. hard to remember that small humans have no better way of dealing with their emotions so they express them in non-constructive ways. because theyre being little rats.

and my mom is like the only one actually trying to make this celebration fun for everyone and she cant handle the emotional weight of everyone's problems on top of organizing the entire holiday for everyone. she can't do it. i watched her break down in the kitchen. shes doing better now but its not fair!! its not fair that this is happening to her!! its not fair that this is happening to us all!! its not fair that i had to be strong for her when i was repressing all of these feelings!! its not fucking fair that i love them so much!!

and im part of the problem!! i know that!! i make situations worse because im upset!! i tell my dad off for not deescalating when i suck at deescalating too!! im catty and petty and im definitely traumatizing my siblings in the way i was and thats eating me up inside!! i dont know how to do this better and i cant be expected to do this better but FUCK i hate it!!

i just. i wish my siblings could calm themselves down i wish my dad could successfully deescalate situations and not get into stupid arguments that he has to win to make up for his lack of consistent validation i wish my mom could stop yelling at my siblings i wish she could have enough support that she doesnt have to feel anxious i wish my family was NOT SO FUCKING DYSFUNCTIONAL.

its silly goofy but my anthem for when my dad makes me feel bad is the living tombstone song "i can't fix you" because it makes me feel better but its not just that i cant fix them i cant even HELP them. or even if i can i hurt more than i help. wanting to help doesnt translate to succeeding. fuck. i just. i just dont want anyone to feel like i did. but i make them feel that way more than i save them from it. fuck. do i have a thing about saving people. do i care more about feeling like i saved someone than actually being what they need. i dont fucking know.

[forestryfae]

"can people please be quiet with teh doors" "yeah you can have attention tomorrow" FUCK OFF. DIE. I CAN SLAM THE DOOR AT FUCKING EIGHT PM IF I WANT TO, FUCK OFF WITH THE TALKING TO EVERYONE THROUGH SNAPCHAT CUS YOU HAVE A PROBELM WITH ONE PERSON AND THE SECOND CUNT. man i am SO glad he sSO much better and more mature than everyone else, he totally is so much better than me for not slamming doors and he has SUCH a good handle on his emotions that when hes mad or annoyed or cranky he doesnt just straight up insult people or get bitchy or bite at them or act like a complete cunt, he totally didnt completely stop talking to a friend just cus she didnt liek him romantically, he totally doesnts it in the livingroom being crankya nd sulky and bitchy all fucking day so its uncomfortable for everyone else to sit in there.

not that anyone has any issue with it when this third guy slams the front door and slams the chair when he moves it and all that shit without being fucking angry or upset, he does it just for fun. noone complains when he and this girl literally ran like fucign idiots up the stairs and made a huge fucking racket at nearly 11. the same guy who slams the doors for fun fucking played music at full volume WITH bass for months and noone complained cus hes "sensitive". i can hear someones fucking music right now and its not that looud but its still fucking annoying, and it usually lasts until WAY past 11

but if i get angry its "attention whore" and "dont slam doors" and i dont see ANYONE and if im still angry when they come to talk to me noone wants to be around me. fuck me, im not allowed to be angry ever and when i am and its fucking righteous and fair and welldeserved im still a bitch and i need to widen my tolerance window. FUCK that

and somehow im supposed to make friends and be a productive member of society and live on my own independently?? how the fuck am i suppose dto do that when im not allowed to do shit. i cant try to be social, i cant be sad or upset, i cant be happy or someone will do their best to ruin that, i cant be angry, i cant even be fucking hungry or tired, theres noever any excuse that is good enough and its all my fault because i dont take responsibility, and no matter what im always fucking annoying everyone. noone is ever on my team either cus it entierly depends on whether or not they agree or disagree with me, whether theyre annoyed at me or not, and whether its a neccessity that isnt fulfilled that im not worth enough to be allowed to have. everything is my fault, im not given any grace that is given to anyone else because i dont fucking deserve it, i am awarded nothing for being capable of doing things that are hard for me no matter what because i dont fucking deserve it for doing the bare minimum, i dont deserve to be helped and im not good enough to get help no matter what i do, im inherently THE worst person in the world and no matter how little i care about myself and how little i feel just to make other people comfortable its never going to be enough

youd think not hitting people or breaking stuff and only slamming doors even though youre fuckign furious and could scream and bite people was on some level actually a good thing. and yet here i am being told im an attention whore for slamming a door and hiding in my room and crying as quietly as i can so noone can fucking hear me. cus im not fucking allowed to be upset and removing myself from a situation that fucking infuriates me and makes me want to scream. ud think removing myslef so i dont scream at people cus people dont like that would be a good thing but no. thats also fucking bad. not that anyone fucking cares either, staff doesnt come check on me. staff doesnt care. my parents dont care. friends dont give a shit. noones gonna come comfort me or actually help with the underlying issue or the constant repeating pattern of bullshit. nah fuck that its my fault for being angry at bullshit to begin with. im an asshole for this, noone else is at blame for being shit at communication or treating me like shit, and i just need to stop having any emotions that annoy other people. god fuck off and eat shit. what the fuck.

[katsukisbimbo]

DDAENG

✯ pairing: hawks x reader

✯ genre: FLUFFYYDS!!

✯ summary: fan! hawks meeting his newly debuted idol crush y/n at a fansign!

✯wordcount: 2.1k+

✯warning: just swearing and hawks being thirsty <3

✯ note: this literallt came to me because i was trying to turn @hoodtoshi into a bts stan (lowkey succeeded) and i was jus like yea, thirsty hawks

-ˏ͛⑅　‧̥̥͙‧̥̥ ̥ ̮ ̥ ⊹ ‧̫‧ ⊹ ̥ ̮ ̥ ‧̥̥‧̥̥͙　⑅ˏ͛--ˏ͛⑅　‧̥̥͙‧̥̥ ̥ ̮ ̥ ⊹ ‧̫‧ ⊹ ̥ ̮ ̥ ‧̥̥‧̥̥͙　⑅ˏ͛--ˏ͛⑅　‧̥̥͙‧̥̥

- you were nervous

- this was your first fan meet after all,, but you were still nervous

- you were only 19 and had already debuted!!

- that didn’t happen to just anyone!!

- you worked super hard to get to where you are today!! everyone knew that!!

- you sighed as your make-up artist continued to paint your lips a dark red colour

- you honestly didn’t look like yourself, but this was to keep up the whole idol image i guess

- “jinhee, how many people are outside? i’m sure only two people came to see me..” you pouted, resulting in your make-up artist to smack your cheek lightly

- “dOn’t say that you dummy! i’m sure a lot of people came to see you!” she scolded, wiping off the excess makeup on a towel

- “now get out, you’re done”

- “i don’t wanna”

- she raised a newspaper and flexed, ready to beat the fuck out of you if she heard another whisper of self-deprecation from you

- “fine! i’m going!” you grumbled, pouting at oncoming soreness of your feet from your heels

- why did idols have to wear heels anyway?

- okay no, you knew why, but sTill!! they sucked!

- you smiled as you saw the buffet table

- one little snack wouldn’t hurt

- >:)

- “keigo stop fuckign puSHING”

- “im so EXCITED!! i’m meeting THE y/n you SLUTBAG!!” keigo yelled as he shook his companion

- dabi sometimes questioned why he was still friends with keigo

- “i SEE that you asshole”

- keigo took this opportunity to punch dabi in the arm, causing dabi to retaliate, causing kEigo to retaliate, causing dAb-

- okay so

- “i’ve been in love with her ever since she debuted!! and she debuted ALONE!! a whole solo artist!! the talent!! the beauty!! i’m in love!!”

- dabi raised a brow at his friend

- “didn’t you tweet about wanting to ‘put a baby inside of her’?”

- keigo felt his cheeks heat up at the possibility of you seeing his indecent tweets about you

- what if you had seen? what if you think he’s a creep? what if you already hated him??

- keigo felt his anxiety creep onto his shoulders as he continued to overthink, not realizing that they were already next to go in

- ruh roh raggy

- keigo didn’t know anything BUT anxiety

- rip keigo we’ll miss you big daddy :,(

- “please come in, please don’t shout”

- whO was shouting?? nobody was shouting

- keigo wasn’t gonna shout

- as keigo was about to shout, he felt himself be silenced by his partner

- all keigo could feel was betrayal

- “calm down you hot dog, you’re going to TALK to her in person jfc. you can tell her how much you want to father her children then”

- it was almost time and you were STILL at the food table

- you saw a small intern approach you with an uneasy look on her face

- she was for sure about to reprimand you

- “m-ms. y/n,, we have to go now!” she stuttered

- she was sO! cute you just couldn’t say no

- so you decided to just sneak a few bags of chips under your skirt before smiling and quickly following her

- you made your way to the stage, peeking behind the curtains

- you saw a huge crowd of people, mostly males, but one man who sat near the front caught your eye

- he had bright yellow eyes with matching blond hair, even wearing some eyeliner

- the unknown male looked absolutely delectable

- he made you bark a little tbh

- you took a deep breath before you were pushed by your manager on the stage, cheers suddenly reaching your ears as your fans confessed their love for you

- quit shamelessly might you add

- you blushed as you watched the cute blond-haired man cup his hands around his mouth and yell—

- “I LOVE YOU Y/N! IM YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN!” he yelled, gaining the attention of everyone in the room

- soon everyone started to yell that they were your biggest fan and that the blond man could never even compare

- but the man had nothing but a satisfied smirk plastered on his handsome face

- did he enjoy starting riots?

- you sat on the chair, placing your hands on top of the table

- this was a small table ngl

- luckily there was a sheet on the table, hiding your nervously bouncing legs

- just imagine watching a fancam of you bouncing your leg

- people would still thirst for that

- anyway

- “thank you guys for coming! i’m so excited to meet you all!” you started, smiling at the large number of people

- “you guys can ask me questions or some things? i don’t know?” you laughed, feeling slightly awkward

- you didn’t know how to be a person

- “can you do a dance for us!!” a young boy, about the age of 7 yelled, jumping up and down in front of his seat

- “what dance?” you queried, raising your brow in curiosity

- “move by taemin!!” he cheered, immediately dancing

- you laughed at his adorable actions

- you were totally gonna dance for him!

- you got up as the music started to play in the background, moving to the side of the table and sensually moving to the beat while the audience watched intently

- you carefully moved your hips, hitting all the right beats

- this wasn’t any different than dancing in front of the camera people, plus you had to get used to an audience

- it also wasn’t any different from how you had to dance to kpop songs from when you were younger for your family!!

- (no, literally. the amount of times i had to dance to 2NE1’s i am the best, girls generation’s gee, and wonder girls’ nobody. the dances are engraved in my head. 6 year old giri had to dance or else)

- as the song faded out, you held your pose before bowing, smiling at the little boy who continued to hype you up

- “holy fuck.. dabi that was hot” hawks whispered, tightening his grip around his friends sleeve

- “jeez kei, ease up a bit” dabi complained, prying his friends hand off of him

- “oh my god she’s such a great dancer, do you think she’ll like me if i learn how to dance too?” he questioned, grabbing his friend by the front of his shirt, pissing dabi off once more

- “no. not if you don’t stop being a fuckinf weirdo”

- hawks pouted

- dabi grinned

- how cruel

- “does anyone else have a request?”

- “WAP!!” a number of people yelled, resulting in your face heating up

- how would they suggest such a lewd dance!

- especially when there were children here!

- “haha! that doesn’t seem very appropriate!” you laughed it off, trying your best to mask your uncomfortableness

- hopefully this would end soon

- “no! can you dance to gashina please!” a girl yelled, catching your attention

- hm, gashina was actually a very good suggestion

- you could do this! you could be as great as sunmi!

- okay maybe no. sunmi was a god <3

- you did the routine, catching the eyes and the hearts of the audience

- “fuck i think i’m in love dabi” hawks whined, clutching his chest

- he had a lovesick expression plastered on his face

- he was totally whipped for you, no doubt about it

- before you knew it, it was time for the fans to have a minute to speak to you and for them to get their albums signed!

- you had recently debuted with your album, dawn in tokyo

- you had taken inspiration from the time where you had left your hotel at dawn and walked around the streets of tokyo, sitting near a bridge and writing lyrics for some of the songs in the album

- hence the name of the album

- most of your album was written in japan

- hawks felt himself get more excited as he came closer to you, holding tightly to the fabric of his friends jacket, which wouldn’t surely gotten him slapped if you weren’t so near

- before he knew it, he was already next in line, dabi already sitting in front of your figure while holding your soft, delicate looking hand in his large ugly ones

- this made hawks’ chest bubble with jealousy

- >:(

- sure, you had a large fan base, but it still hurt to see people touch you the way he wanted to

- it was now his turn, he walked up the stairs with his wobbly knees, wanting to just sit and be near you

- he knew that you would be able to calm his nerves, or make him spontaneously combust

- “hey! i’m y/n! nice to meet you!” you smiled, out-stretching your hand to him, offering to place your hand in his own

- he swiftly, but gently grasped your hand, before placing it on his cheek, letting you hold the soft chub of his cheek

- no fan had been this brave to do this. it was quite surprising to be honest

- he wasn’t breaking any rules so you decided to fuck it and go with it

- you placed both your hands on his cheeks, slightly squishing them together, causing him to adorably pout

- “dash not nishe” he mumbled, brows furrowing

- you laughed before letting go of his face, bringing your hands back to your side of the table

- “you’re so cute! can i sign your album for you?” you smiled, tilting your head to the side

- hawks just..dieded

- mans said peace out

- your beauty was incomprehensible

- phew, he had to get his shit together! he was trying to impress u! he wanted to be the mc in a wattpad story

- we all wanna be y/n

- anywayss

- “sure dove! u can make it out to keigo, u can put your number in it too ;)” he winked

- KDNDHSK

- DID HE—

- DID HE JUST ASK FOR YOUR NUMBER

- LIKE—

- nobody:

- y/n: i’m not gon do it girl.. i’m just thinking about it

- “ah! sorry cutie! i’m not allowed to share my number :333”

- you tried to laugh as you died inside

- he smiled, before placing a kiss on your fingertips

- “don’t worry dove,i respect that” he winked

- BARK BARK

- “i have some gifts for you!” he announced, placing the huge paper bag on top of the table

- he first pulled out your favourite snack before handing it to you

- how did he get these??

- omg

- then, he brought out a bottle of perfume, and a new song writing notebook!

- this was great!!

- “oh my gosh! keigo! you’re too sweet” you cooed,

- this was a lot

- “i also have something else.. would you wear this flower crown for me and do some fan-service?” he queried

- of course you would!

- you nodded before placing the flower crown on top of your head

- “what do you want me to say?”

- “say.. i’ll be a good dove for hawks. is that okay?” he smirked, tracing small circles into the palm of your hands

- w-wHAT

- was this legal

- your managers were literally ignoring you—

- “o-oh! sure! uhm-“

- god you were going to regret this

- “i-i’ll be a good dove for hawks!” you whimpered, showing off your practiced aegyo

- “ahhh! my heart!” he gasped, dramatically clutching his chest

- “excuse me, we need the next fan to come up” you manager tapped the both of your arms

- you nodded before smiling at hawks and waving goodbye

- you were going to miss him :((

- ig it just wasn’t meant to be

- the night you had gotten home, you decided to go through your gifts

- you were particularly interested in the gift you had gotten from the blond man

- it was really sweet of him to get you a notebook

- the moment you had opened it, you had noticed that something was written on the first page

- ‘xxx-xxx-xxxx call me pretty girl <3’

- he was a bold onealright

- you were contemplating on actually calling him

- he could leak your number!

- well, you could just wait for him to speak

- fuck it

- you dialed the number on your phone and waited as it rang

- “hello?”

- “i-is this keigo?”

- “hey dove, i’m glad you called”

- y/n: i did it :33

[shesawriter39049]

|GOD SAVE THE QUEEN|M|JH|

(Does he not look like he should be scaleing a damn window?!)

SMUT/ ANGST

Pairing: Hitman Hoseok & Mob Boss OC

Genre: Mob/Mafia/Organized Crime/Drug cartels/Established/unofficial but lowkey official couple...

WC-10K (A good 3-4 of it is smut btw) 

___________________________________________________________

 “I’m going to fall a fucking part, and so will my families empire and then what!? WHO the fuck are they going to blame then!? Huh? Definitely not my damn brother, he’s too coked out to even tie his fuckign shoe laces neverthless run the family business!”

________________________________________________________________

Note- This is old...I have a TON of mob/mafia-related “Pilot” chapters as I call them..stashed in my google Docs! This is a heaverier/ agngisterst read by the way, not a downer but just heavy ya know? It works just fine as a stand alone, but by the end of it you can tell that when I initially wrote it I was setting it up to be a series! One that would eventually involve the other boys as well, so there is some backstory!

________________________________________________________________

Hoseok;s tatted, and just radiates soft dom energy…and tbh that’s all we need in this world

The OC is stressed, and needs a damn hug...the end!

Warnings: (Nonsexual- Strong language, mentions of guns, drugs/drug use and addictions, violence and mentions of chronic illness..not pertaining to Hoseok though)  

Warnings- Soft Dom Hoseok, breathe play, slight pain kink(very minimal prep before sex...by choice) overstimulation, handjobs, light come play, spit play, chill dirty talk....unprotected sex.Semi public sex-ish(in her office while the guards are outside the door...)

______________________________________________________________

Hibiscus island, Miami Florida 8PM 

‘Alright, so I’m looking at about, a half kilo of snow, hmmm, maybe a little over a quart of skag and a couple hundred Tabs of Molly…”

The line went dead on the receiving end causing the man in question to attempt the phrase again…maybe his connection was bad?

“Helll-lo? Boss I said I-”

“I heard you. Was there a an actual question in there somewhere or where you just letting me know your eyes still work?” The level of just…. dry...that fell from his tongue just now….

“Well I-umm no.No...I just wasn't told exactly what was being retrieved from the plane so I just wanted to make sure this was accurate and noth-”  The scoff that rung through the other end was borderline humiliating, as if to imply there's no way in hell he could even think this was “accurate”.

“No Mark, it’s far from accurate, but what you see in front of you is what’s there…”

Ahhh, so that explains his happy go lucky sunshine personality at the moment.

“Okay, well I’ll have this sorted and get the plane sterilized, am I sending this down to the west wing for a quality check first or is this just being disbursed to the runners?”

A deep agitated goan rattled in his throat, god whyyyy does everybody have so many questions today!?

“Just-just put it in one of the storage units for now, I’ll deal with it later” Hanging up the call before any more questions could be rendered because he honestly didn't have the patience to even pretend like he cared right now! The minute the call dropped his phone buzzed indicating he’d receive about his 8th text in a row from a person he’s a second away from releasing a full barrel face on! 

It took every ounce of self control not to just let the phone slip out of his hand and shatter against the patternized stone walkway swirling beneath his feet!

Clearly,Hoseok’s not in a good mood, like, at all...there’s just so much floating through his mind right now he’s practically running out of space to even breathe! 

He’s tired, Irritable, that earth-shattering smile of his is nowhere to be found, instead it appears to have been replaced by a semi-permanent snarl. Oh, and the best part, Germany, yeah that was a complete and utter shit show. It was supposed to just be a simple negotiation in regards to you guys expanding to a new territory. Yet he feels like the last thing he did was actually talk, I mean fuck palms still feel as though they’ve been damn near rubbed raw at this point.  Hours, that’s how long it took to rid his otherwise delicately stealth hands of their custom crimson overlay! And to make life even better, he’s the one who has the pleasure of sitting down and debriefing the whole failed mission to you! 

So yay, he loves that for himself...truly…

 Everything just feels heavy, his head, heart hell, even his spirit at his point! Feet dragging through the opulent Medetriann style courtyard as if they weigh more than he did. The only thing that somewhat has Hoseok in a decent mood was you, the fact that he’d be able to see you in person after what felt like 6 years, which in all actuality was a little shy of 5 days! 

Easing his way through oversized dual french doors, into an area that essentially acted as the east wing's  “Lobby” if you will, panes of white walls, and thick black arched windows framed the entryway. The dim lighting hanging from the cast iron chandelier gave the effect that the stark white walls were almost glowing against the moonlight peeking in. My point? The atmosphere appears calm at first glance, warm..inviting...everything Hoseok needs it to be right now because again he’s NOT in the mood for bullshit. All he’s dealt with over the past 120 some odd hours was bullshit! Hint’s why your European connect is a good, meh, four soldiers down at the moment!

I can’t say Hoseok had a specific…”Greeting” in mind upon strolling back into the compound tonight…..

However, what I can guarantee is the soundtrack that is you going full hulk mode in your office, while your guards stood outside looking like bats outta hell, definitely wasn’t high on his list! The men stationed at the security desk were already whipping their heads around before he even pulled the door open. Ah the beauty of cameras, at this point they weren’t sure what was worse. You, playing whack a mole behind the wall or Hoseok’s reaction once he put two and two together! 

It takes all of 3 steps before another piece of something glass and undeniably expensive shatters against the wall. Accompanied by a loud grunt on your behalf, voice breathy and fragile, which lets him know you’ve been at this for a while. 

The level of just, exhaustion he could hear heaving from your throat is what had him more alarmed than anything else. The fact that you clearly didn’t have the self-control to tell your body to stop…which isn't like you at all! I mean fuck, how long have you been in there?! Hoseok’s heart was beating so loud he could hear it pulsing through his ears! 

“What the fuck did you guys do?!” The first and only thing to leave his lips as he huffs towards the control desk. The guard initially stationed in front of the camera’s, rolled his seat to the far left within seconds. Allowing his superior the space to do whatever he needs, they heard Hoseok’s mouse make about 1 good click before…

“Fuckkkkk” Cursed from his lips with enough depth to bounce off every surface in the room. There was an additional gruffness laced within his tone due to lack of sleep.. which almost made the sound more initiating, borderline animalistic. Hoseok’s voice actually broke towards the end, the growl dying on his tongue before it even started. Head bowing towards the monitor as he rocked forward, attempting to re-center himself. Keyword there….”Attempting”

Precipitously, there’s another sound rattling the air and no, it’s not another object flying against the wall ,it’s Hoseok’s fist...right into the marble desktop! Yup, there are no cameras in your office...why? Because you and the man in question have no fucking self-control...which suddenly he’s really, really regretting! Well, actually, there are cameras, however they can only be turned on from inside the office,and he already knew you turned the feed off! That’s why he’s on 10 because he can’t see you..at all! You could be hurting yourself in the process and he’d have no idea! The entrance to your office is camouflage for obvious reasons, to naked eye one wouldn't even know there was an office!

Even as your consigliere Hoseok didn’t ask for much, never has, not a big fan of relying on others to handle his needs...hmm wonder why he got to that point. Still, an unspoken rule of thumb when he leaves..is it’s every mother fucker's job within the compound, hell even the damn birds that frequent the garden! Everyone, needs to do their part to make sure he dosen’t come back to this..especially with the way things have shifted internally as of late! 

And by “This” I mean you having a mental breakdown in your office, because you aren’t one to just break shit for shits and giggles! This isn’t how you deal with a transaction going south, or a distributor sending over a bad strand of coke.. something’s wrong..really fucking wrong! 

Silent, dead silent, that's what Hoseok was, and that was utterly terrifying, your men knew to give him his space, that he’d address them when he’s ready. All the while carefully observing the way his fingers twitched anxiously next to one of the soldier’s guns, before wrapping his hand around the trigger. Teeth grinding together hard enough to crack a molar, repeating his initial question…

 “What. The. Fuck. Did you guys do?” Gritted through clenched teeth as he paced the gun between the three men standing in the lobby. Not even remotely concerned that he was outnumbered because they all looked petrified...as they should….clearly patience was the very last thing he had tonight. 

“Ugh, nothing we-” Click….there goes the sound of the safety, all of three words and a staggered pause in….

Hoseok’s stance never faltered, eyes blazing into the youngers with such intensity it took everything in him not to divert his gaze away from his superior. Head cocked to the side, jaw clenched painfully tight, you can actually visibly see it twitch. The slight arch in his brow let the guard know that was the wrong damn answer and this wasn’t multiple choice, it’s fill in the blank! So he’s got about one more try before this gun goes off, and suddenly you lot will have yourselves a red accent wall! 

“Hoseok, I swear we really-” Coyly swaying from behind the desk, edging his way closer and closer, to the dumbass that still hasn’t figured out how to properly answer the question. Connecting the gun to the side of his head, shoving the lackey against the wall in the process, there was an oddly calming aura radiating off his body right now. Which was clearly in strong contrast to what was currently taking place...and that’s because this..isn’t new to him anymore. The act of taking one’s life doesn’t weigh on his heart the way it used to and maybe that makes him a monster or..maybe it makes him damn good at his job. 

This was simple honestly, if they're not the reason for said breakdown then tell him what is. Not excuses as to why it wasn’t them because clearly that won’t get him any damn where now will it?

“Fuck-...she-she went and saw her dad!” Bingo! He all about choked on that…

 “ ...and she’s been like that ever since...I swear! I swear!” Hands above either side of his head,  shaking like a leaf in the wind, Hosoek could practically see his Adam’s apple bobbing against this throat, as he backed away. 

The shift within the air was palpable, they could’ve gotten whiplash from how quickly his eyes inverted, from pure rage to pain and concern. Shoulders slouched in on themselves as he released a shaky breath from his lungs, staggering backward as he ruffled his fingers through his jet black locks. Almost appearing somewhat winded by the update that he already kinda braced himself for honestly. 

“Fuck”  The word hushed from his lips so faint he doubts any of the men even heard him. Eyes fluttering shut briefly, his opposite hand rested on the bridge of his nose. Squeezing unnecessarily, tight, intentionally re-inflicting the pain he felt maneuvering through his chest!  It wasn’t even a full 30 seconds before he heard something else shatter into pieces, instantly snapping him back to reality, forcing him to reroute his thoughts. 

“How long…” There was a sudden dryness laced within his delivery as if he really didn’t want to know the answer.

“About a hour...or so….” 

“And I’m assuming she insisted on going alone?” No even bothering to make eye contact as a hushed “Yes..” fell from the guards lips. A low hum rang in the back of his throat while his eyes outlined the patterns within the marble, silently trying to pull his shit together before he made his next request….

“Override the security, and buzz me in….” The guards couldn’t help but feel a little shell shocked at how, monotoned, and emotionless his delivery was. One minute they could feel every once of his frustration without Hoseok even opening his mouth! Suddenly, it was like he’d completely removed himself from the entire conversation. Initially, his lack of patience steamed from other bullshit but now, none of that mattered, Germany, the drug deal, none of that even scratched the surface, all that matters right now is you. 

“Boss I don’t thin-”

Gaze slowly rising from the desk, cold, and somewhat feral, not quite sure why he’s being questioned, but right now, but it's definitely not the time! Bringing his nine back level with the guard in question, Hoseok didn’t have to say anything, his middle finger caressing the trigger said it all, expression blank. Gaze daring him to do anything but, buzz his superior in as he asked..nothing more, nothing less. 

Within seconds the center wall which at first glance just looked like a block of white Statuario marble started to shift, exposing all the shattered pieces of decor on the ground. Not even attempting to warn you first because he knew you’d tell him to leave. So instead, he took a deep breath, dropped the gun back onto the desk, cracked his neck a couple times, braced himself, and stepped inside. 

_________________________________________________________

Ya know, if circumstances were different the site in front of him could actually be somewhat comical. You, standing in the middle of this obnoxiously large gilded office, all dolled up in your heels, tight little LBD, dawning every curve on your body. A wrist full of Cartier and Bvlgari,hair curled...looking like you’re ready for a night on the town. Yet, instead of sitting in the middle of some 5-star restaurant drinking aged Scotch your in here. Angry, winded and breaking shit...really expensive shit at that! 

However, there was nothing even remotely humorous in regards to the reason behind your sudden rage. Honestly, it broke his heart to see you like this! Yes, the heart that most barely believed he truly had, but that’s neither here nor there, the people that matter know it threw and threw. Hoseok could feel the anger radiating off your skin even from where he stood. You were ablaze, nothing but utter rage, doused from your pores, but what made it even worse was the blatant desperation underneath it all. 

Every scream just seemed more and more broken...sure maybe he’s a hypocrite, he breaks shit all the time when he’s angry, hell people and objects included.  But you....this wasn’t you..and this wasn’t a healthy way for you to cope! To be real the only reason he stood there so long was because he needed a second to pull his shit together! The longer he stared at you the more his chest tightened, eyes burned like hell. His fingers twitched at his side trying to resist the urge to just come grab you, but he knew better. 

Sure, in most people's eyes, and by most I mean 99.9% of the population, you’d be the farthest thing from an angel! You lost any ounce of purity yearsss ago, still, in his eyes..there’s no one more untainted then you where it counts! And that’s, all that mattered because he knows better than anyone that you have a heart made of 24kt gold. A heart that needed to be protected at all cost, and clearly at the moment that’s not happening, because he can see it! Shattering all over the place along with very pricy china! 

Chest rising and falling painfully hard against itself, you were damn near blacked out in rage. So much so you didn’t even notice your office doors opening or closing. You, the woman that trained her ear to hear the faint hum of an elevator in an upscale hotel. 

Leaning down until your face was flush with the desk, gripping the edges so hard Hoseok could hear the floor creak. He couldn’t help but notice how flushed your knuckles looked, bouquets of bruises already blooming along the smooth surface. The moment of silence only lingered about….half a second, just long enough for you to recharge and grab something else to hurl at the wall. Voice-breaking before the hiss even fully rolled off your tongue, and that  “Something” was a set of Tiffany’s champagne glasses that you utterly adored! Well aware that wouldn’t go over well once this was all said and done so he figured that was his cue. 

“Y/n…” His voice wasn’t loud enough, abrasive enough, and frankly, you were far too absorbed to even hear him on such a neutering level! Sooo, he tried again. Slipping seamlessly into his…”Boss man”  tenor if you will, adding a dash of base to his voice that you could not only hear..but feel! 

”Baby!”

You startled upon hearing the endearment, head snapping around, body staggering until you fell back onto the corner of the desk. Bracing yourself with one arm, so you didn’t actually fall, chest heaving in short staggered breaths, as you gazed back at him, though it was clear initially you really weren’t looking at him.  

“Don’t!” He could see your body starting to curl in on itself as you shifted under his gaze which currently felt like an uncapped bulb in the middle of an integration room. The warning was too half hearted for him to even acknowledge!!

“Fuckkk''  Cursed from your lips only loud enough for you to hear once you gazed up at the clock through swollen eyes, not even realizing how late it was. Far too consumed in anger to remember that Hosoek was even coming home tonight, infuriating yourself even more because this was the last thing you wanted him to walk in on.  You didn’t want to burden him with the task of having to put you back together again, you’d been doing it just fine yourself for the past 5 or so days since this has secretly become routine as of late! You cry, you break shit, you touch up your makeup, and then you walk out of your office like nothing happened and continue running this 9 figure empire.

 “Just-go-go, back outside….” You were trying to sound strong, determined like you weren’t falling apart, and you were failing...miserably failing, you weren’t in control you were practically begging. The concern in Hoseok’s eyes was more than evident and that made shit even worse. Yet no matter how bad his palms were aching to touch you, he didn’t dare to reach for you yet, he knew your limits, and right now still wasn’t it…He could physically see you shudder as if it  wasn’t a solid 75 degrees outside right now.

The silence was too much, way too much, it felt as though it was ripping you apart, or maybe you were ripping yourself apart? Maybe it’s just harder to hide from yourself when you no longer can drown out your thoughts with the sound of you screaming and breaking shit…

“Fuck, this is about Germany right? Or Amsterdam? Whatever it is, whatever you need from me. You can have it...we can talk I promise, but right now,  I need you to leave…” Trying your damnedest to hold is gaze but it felt impossible because you knew he saw straight through you!

The pause was long enough for him to say something and still...nothing...it was like he was trying to push you enough to finally admit what you really needed from him.

“I just need a minute...t-to pull my shit together and then I’ll be fine, then we can talk.” You were practically whispering, your voice was so trashed and distressed. Forcing yourself to drop an octave, removing any texture from your tone  in order to properly “convey” your message yet he still didn't budge! 

“Hoseok, don’t make me ask again...just-” Shoeing your hand towards the door to replace the word you couldn’t quite get to roll off your tongue. 

Everything about you was contradictory because now you wanted him, your eyes were pleading in agony for him to hold you and make everything disappear. Yet, your tone was dry, removed, as if he was some low-level soldier on the totem pole, not to mention you legit just told him to leave. But oh how your emotions betray you when it comes to Mr. Jung! No matter how much bullshit you just spit out, you really only said one thing...and he heard it clear as day. 

Hoseok already knows, he knows you like the inside of a VP9 Veterinary pistol, no matter how cold your delivery was it didn’t stop him from easing off the wall and invading your space. You could feel him before he even got in within 10 ft of you, his aura already starting to infiltrate your little bubble! His stride was slow, confident, making up for all the things you currently lacked because that’s what a good partner does! 

He could see how hard you were clinging to the table as if you were using that to ground you, afraid of how lost you’d get once he got in arm’s length. This man had a soul that outweighed yours by miles and that was one of your favorite things about him, how deep he could go in more ways than one.  Hoseok didn’t stop until he was standing directly in front of you, close enough for you to taste the speirment on his tongue. Still, he hasn’t touched you and now you really needed him to touch you! The sweet musky scent of his cologne filling your lungs, you could practically feel the heat radiating off his body, god why weren’t the two of you in bed right now? Not even having sex nesicarilly,  just naked, skin on skin...you just wanted to feel him. It’s actually disgusting, the amount of control he has over your entire sense of being at this point. The way even just the slightest touch can completely throw all of your senses out of whack or back in whack I guess I should say.  

“Hmmm, a minute is all you need yeah….” Not even attempting to phrase it as a question because he knew it was all bullshit anyway!  So you didn’t dare respond, not trusting your voice anyway, just keeping your eyes trained on his...getting lost in how bright they looked in contrast to yours. Spreading your legs on instinct so he could get even closer, shifting slightly on top of the desk. 

Hands braced on either side of your frame to give him leverage as he tilted forward. “Well, it seems as though you’ve had….many minutes, hours even..” Eyes wandering around the room observing the mess you’d made, yeah the maids gonna need a bonus after this!  

“It doesn’t appear you having time alone has done you much good so try again baby…”Hoseok had a tenor that was meant for your ears, and your ears only. The typical bright almost giddy little accent to his tone was always replaced by a calmer, warmer one. An underlying element of sensuality that exuded just the right amount of calculated…. control….an effortless sense of dominance if you will.

Staring down at you through hooded lids thoroughly, reading for any ounce of discomfort! Once he didn’t find any... finally, you felt his hands take a firm grip on your waist. Your body tensed initially, hoping to counteract how hard you were still shaking! Hint, you failed, you were practically vibrating against him at initial contact!

“Breathe y/n...” 

“I am, trust me that’s the only thing I can do right now…” There was still a slight bite rolling off your tongue, no matter how winded you sound. However, in Hoseok’s eyes sass is better than silence so carry on! 

Nosing along the side of your neck, right beneath your ear, next to your windpipe, letting him feel how you truly felt, which was unbalanced and a little lost. Your heart rate per 15 seconds was probably double what it was on an average day and yes, Hoseok knows how many times your heart beats per minute on an average day! 

“Baby...” Cooed from his lips almost sympathetically as he slowly started painting a trail down the side of your neck with his lips. 

“Hoseok, I-god-I can’t-” You “can’t “what exactly?  Relax? Give in? Shut your brain off? What “Can't” you do? 

“Yeah, yeah, you can, let me turn shut your brain off for a minute , let me take care of you.” Hands gently ravishing your body, effortlessly sending goosebumps down your spine with every feather-like touch. 

“I’ll give you any, and everything you want, but I won’t leave you alone right now…” The words fanned against your skin making your shiver against him, no matter how calm his tenor was the dominance was clear as day! You didn’t have a say in the matter….

Reclining your neck on instinct giving him more room to work as you tried to clear your mind of any and everything that wasn’t Hoseok as you let your eyes fan shut. 

“Hoseok…” Staggered out heavily feeling like you were choking and he only offering a hum in response, not letting up from his current mestractions….”Fuck, yeah, okay just- just keep touching me...please” You weren’t typically a beggar even in bed but right now you needed him, not int he mood to be sassy or play hard to get, to be honest, you just didn’t have the energy. 

“I’m not going anywhere baby..I’m right here..all here for you..always…in any way you need me…” Palms soothing down your thighs, reaching under to smoothly wrap them around his waist, bringing his hips flush to yours. Once he felt you secure your ankles he reached for your hands, kissing along your knuckles before sliding them under the back of his shirt. Knowing how skinship puts your mind at ease, and the second the pads of your fingers graze his skin...you’re already finding  yourself digging your nails into his shoulders. Ripping a low growl from his throat, as he rocked his hips forward, re-positioning his arms on either side of your body so his forehead was flush to yours. 

“All here for you, in any way you need me..” That seems to hold a lot more weight as of late and no matter how much you’re trying to rid your mind of those thoughts..you can’t, you fucking can’t. Suddenly you’re clawing at his shoulders for a different reason, and it hurts, and not the fun kinda pain either…he hears a faint whimper leave your lips, as you clung to him even tighter.

“Y/n….” He exhales, voice shaking eyes glazed over, welting full of tears he’s praying don’t fall because he needs to be strong for you right now. “Baby” There was a blatant plea laced within that and you...

“I know, I know…” it’s unsaid...though it’s clearly not unsaid because you know...youuuu know, the two of you avoided that word. Maybe because if you said it that makes the idea of losing each other even worse. So for now, you’d just prefer to endlessly show it…....

Talking would just suck ass right now, so you opted for the later and leaned in, it wasn’t soft or delicate..you kissed him hard. Until he was gasping through his nose to breathe while, almost stifling forward,letting your hands wander up his shirt to thread into his hair.  Tugging at his scalp until you heard him moan against your tongue, taking that as your invitation to lick your way into his mouth which he accepts willingly. Reclining his jaw letting you have control because he figured you could probably use that right now.  Your lips moved with such emotion, and just pure passion that you don’t know if you’d ever felt so weak under him..yet powerful all at the same damn time! You almost feel lightheaded, the more you kiss, tongues meeting with such desperation your chest feels like it’s burning. Teeth clashing, nails clawing so hard into Hosoek’s skin it hurts but he doesn’t give a damn.

You tilt your head back giving him free access to do as he pleases and he bites. Hard. Until he rips a moan right off your tongue and it sounds so damn good….Nipping licking and sucking over every inch of skin he can reach. Feenin to hear you moan over and over again...until your lips find his and your clawing at his v-neck for dear life. Yanking at the neckline until you hear it rip, lifting and tugging it until he finally takes the hint….

“Offff” 

“Come take what you want.” Pulling back to allow you to yank it over his head, exposing mounds of warm and toned honey-coated skin, covered in trails of articulately placed ink. A combination of new-aged back and white with hints of watercolor paint his skin, telling an array of stories that you know like the back of your hand at this point!

Tugging him back by the nape of his neck so his chest is flush to yours, the warmth radiating through the fabric of your dress, which didn’t cover much, to begin with. Rolling your hips up into his for slight friction until your moaning back against his tongue again, hands moving down to help you grind at a steady rhythm. The contrast of the rough material of his jeans, against your clit was really fucking you up right now.  

“Hoseok…”

“Baby” He countered in a way that had your curls trying to curl under the pad of your heels! 

“Fuck, Fuck me,” You whispered against his lips intentionally whiney, and he froze instantly, not that he didn’t want to because fuck he wanted to he just...Hoseok’s big on talking shit out. Not one for hiding or aiding emotions, and clearly there’s something wrong here!

“I really,need you right now”  You whisper again, nipping at his bottom lip and now it’s hopeless because this man knows he can’t deny you a damn thing. He hasn’t been able too since the two of you met in Paris, initially as strangers stood on a roof with your Colt Pistols aiming dead in each other’s faces.

You could feel the frustration growling from his throat but still, he kissed you deeper, harder, rocking you against the desk so your laying on your back. Rolling his hips against you slowly just to hear you moan against his tongue. ‘Hoseok!” Yeah, your whiny, and yeah your inpatient…

‘God, the shit you do to me…” Leaning in to steal your breath away with another deep brusing kiss.There was a hint of frustration and disbelief, lingering within that, and you can’t help but smile up at him, soothing your palms down the smooth planes of his chest. Nails idly outlining the array of cherry blossoms painting his skin, framing his collarbone perfectly. Not even trying to hide how much you loved knowing you had the same effect on him, which in laymen’s terms just means your both helplessly and endlessly whipped! 

Being in this deep, with someone within your world is dangerous, even more so when they’re actually in the field,  not hauled up in a castle, like some modern-day Repunzel. It can make you vulnerable, irrational, hypersensitive, but on the flip side, it can also turn you into the most lethal version of yourself where enemies are concerned. Your need to ensure no one stands in the way of whatever you deem your “Happy Ending” to be, becomes insatiable...you’d set cities ablaze for that man and he’d do the same..in a heartbeat! 

Considering that’s the first, and only smile he’s seen from you in days he can’t help but lean down again. Leaving one more lingering kiss against your lips sighing out in content at how laxed and pliant you feel under him, you already know he’s smiling, you can feel Hoseok's teeth against your lips. Tentatively he untangles himself, not before leaning down a good three or four more times to kiss you again. As if he's going far, hell as if your ass was going any damn where to begin with even if he was. 

Smoothing his hands up your thighs, hiking your dress around your waist in the process, hissing at the fact you opted against panties today. The minute he eased your legs apart not only could he smell how much you need him but he could see...the need dripping from your lips. Wiggling your hips a little, as your arched even further onto the oversized glass desk, shoving the mounds of files to the side, your heels gave you the perfect angle to completely spread out. Putting yourself on full display, the slight elevation on your lower half had your hips tipping slightly forward, giving him  access to everything he needed! Your gaze was far  too innocent for his liking as you batted your lashes in his direction. Easing your hands up your body.. taking a little detour to caress your breast in your hands before letting them get lost in your hair. 

An all-knowing smirk playing on your lips as you watch his eyes slowly unravel every inch of your body. If you didn’t know any better you’d think his mouth was watering, stealth fingers digging into your skin hard enough to leave a mark. Dropping to his knees..

“I don’t-”

“I know, I know”  Leaning forward until his lips were flush with your inner thigh, eyes trained on yours daring you to look away, jerking slightly when he bit you, then a low moan fell off your lips as he sucked on the spot. 

“You sound so fuckin good” Slurred against your skin, teeth sinking into your thigh even harder this time leaving a larger bite mark. Not pulling back until you squirmed from under him, his name husking off your tongue. 

What you meant earlier was you didn't want him to fully prep you tonight, you wanted the pain, the feeling of him stretching you open around his cock instead of his fingers. The delicious burn that almost makes you feel like your on the brink being split open! But I mean, fuck, look at you, he can’t just..not taste you, right? I mean no he HAS to taste you…

Resting his head against your inner thigh, thumbs kneading your skin while he started to kiss  his way around your bikini line. There seems to be no rush and at the moment you were just enjoying the warmth ghosting off his lips so you laid there content. Then, he leaned forward, placing his lips flush against your clit, leaving an array of solid lingering kisses all the way up your lips. And yeah they were somewhat chaste at this point,but you were feeling real needy  right now so even that had you squirming beneath him. 

“Hoseok” Sighed from your lips as you felt goosebumps spread through your body, gently massaging your nipples through your dress, somewhat teasing yourself instead of giving direct contact. Just allowing your touch to ghost over, until you’re arching into your own hand, pinching even tighter but still not giving your body the full sensation . 

“Y/n” Hoseok replied, calm as ever, a smirk playing on his lips as he watched you “God, your so damn sexy…” Slowly his tongue fell from his lips and landed right around your clit, sucking it into his mouth with a moan that shot through every cell in your body. He sucked, and slurped you between his lips so hard, and you damn near smothered him with your thighs on accident. Your body's first instinct was to pull away, there was so much pressure and stimulation being applied to literally the most sensitive region of your body. And it was steady, once he had you wrapped around your tongue that's where you stayed.

“Holy shit-babyyy” Eyes squeezing shut, trying to remember how to breathe!

 Your mind and body weren’t on the same page, thighs practically vibrating on either side of his head and the minute he felt your legs close in, he nipped the skin between his teeth.Forcing you to arch up and away instead of clamping down, a broken cry of his name falling off your tongue as you tried to desperly keep your legs apart. 

He knew you needed a distraction, leaning forward, grabbing your hand and burying it into your hair, making sure you had an almost painfully tight grip on his scalp! You were damn thankful because holding him like this gave you some sense of ground, instead of you feeling like your about to plummet through the glass.

Hoseok always touched you like he wanted too, like he was the one getting off which prompted your next question once the air resurfaced to your lungs. 

“Mmm, fuck your hard for me already aren’t you? Just tasting me get’s my baby hard doesn't it?” You knew the answer but damn if it didn’t feel good to hear him moan it out anyway.

Nipping at your thigh again, this time a little harder “You fuckin, known, what you do to me, I could come right now if I didnt need to feel you come all over my cock” You moaned so loud at that, gripping his scalp even tighter. “That’s it baby, keep me where you want me.” So you did just that. Pushing his head down so he had nowhere to go but your clit, however the smirk you could feel resting against your thigh should've warned you that he was about to rip you apart.

Hoseok circled his tongue around the very tip, meriscally, his strokes were deep and languid, and they ripped you apart. There's no other way to describe the way he’s volleying your pussy around his tongue, right now! The only comparison I can give you is he’s kissing your clit, and every crevice between your lips, as if he was thoroughly exploring every inch of your mouth . He was loud, and messy, in his pleasure where your concerned, the almost primal sound of his lips, and spit smacking against your folds. Low, needy moans vibrating against your skin as if you were the best damn thing he’d tasted all day. Pulling back to spit directly on your entrance, pursing his lips, and blowing , directing it to fall straight in and your body clenched hard. Fuck you needed, him to inside you…. nuzzling his face between your thighs until his nose was flush with your clit. He knew better than to work you open with his fingers so he opted for his tongue. Picking his own lubricate back up with the tip of his tongue and swirling it around the entrance. Moaning at the wall your body naturally started clenching around the muscle. You were a moaning mess beanthe him, hips rocking against his face.

You’re getting antsy now, wiggling your hips harder, you felt like you were close from this alone and that;s not what you wanted “Fuck Hoseok, baby just fuck me…”  Yanking his head until he pulled away, dragging his lips down to meet yours, chin glistening with all traces of you. The kiss was hard, messy,your essence was all you could taste against his tongue, moaning out as he rocked his hips into you. Leaning forward so he could reach into the Hermes gift box which was kinda decoration kinda used to store lube and other shit you really should have in an office! 

The minute he grabbed the bottle you ripped it from his hands, this was the least you could do,plus you just loved how heavy he felt in your palm. Hoseok almost growled as he deepened the kiss, more teeth and tongue than finesse,the kiss is hard, it feels like your both gasping for air the entire time but neither of you want to pull apart. Pulling at his belt with nothing but a whine until he gets the hint and smacks your hand out of the way, within seconds you feel him hit your stomach. Hot, hard, and heavy, and god if you didn't clench so damn hard, he’s literally twitching  on top of you right now.

“Do you even have the slightest idea how fucked up I am for you?  How hard I am and you havent even touched me yet?” 

“Mmm, I don’t know baby it’s been a minute since I’ve seen you...” Your whispers seductive yet taunting,kissing at his jaw and his neck, smiling against his skin at the low moans that spill from his lips. “Tell me..

Digging your heels into his back as you uncapped the bottle, taking an obscene amount in your hand before reaching between your bodies. Ripping a shaky moan from Hoseok's throat once you laced your fingers around his cock. Squeezing just enough to let all the acces lube drizzle down his shaft and land on his balls, he’s just throbbing in your palm right now and your not even moving yet. “Does it make you feel good to know you got me wrapped around your finger? Knowing- I’d- fuck-” Now, your moving,  hand working his shaft, flucuating the way you distribute pressure, loosser at the bottom and tighter twoards the head  becuse thats his sweet spot. Lube just running down your fingers, it’s so damn messy and you love it,he's straight up whining into your mouth right now. Breath fanning against your face as he nuzzles into your skin...lips parted.

“Knowing that you’d what baby?”  Tugging his bottom lip between your teeth, feeling the way his hips twitched above you , so you slow down your pace, and tighten your grip. Hoseok's brows are furrowed chest flushed…..he looks fucking beautiful.

“That I’d kill anyone in a heartbeat for you, that i’d never let a damn thing happen to you” He can't help but rock into your fist even harder, eyes struggling to stay focused but he refuses not to look at you.. “Does that get to you the same way it does me? Because I still get hard thinking about the way you went toe to toe with Jin’s father about me that night in Italy.” Trailing his tongue down the side of your jaw nibbling ever so slightly “That,was-fuck-the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.”

“God, I-...” Licking your way back into his mouth as you continued working him in your hand, moving your thumb over his tip, smearing the mounds of precum into the excessive lube .“Yeah, fuck yeah, it turns me on wayy more than it should. I shouldn't want you to be reckless when it comes to me but god if it's not sexy as all hell knowing you would be…” 

“And I would” he responds with zero Hesitation….

The sudden passion somewhat catches you off guard honestly, and the fire burning through his eyes as he said that is….stifling to say the least. 

“You’d go to war with me baby?” You didn't intend to shift the mood this heavy, yet you couldn't help the way it just vomited off your tongue. Maybe it’s your subconscious talking right now, still trying to fight it’s way through regardless of your current surroundings! 

Reaching up to cup your jaw, tilting your chin upwards, placing the most fragile kiss along your lips . “With you, for you, anyway you spin it the answer is yes...a hundred times over baby it’s yes…” The ache you currently felt coursing through your veins for this man right now...

“I need you in me. Now. I promise will go slow...please let me do this” 

Hoseok held your gaze for a moment before responding, searching your eyes for any hesitation “‘And you’ll tell me if it’s too much..” Grip firm around your waist, not even bothering to phrase it as a question because it wasn’t one...

‘Promise…” Placing the tip right at your entrance,and Hoseok can feel your heat trying to pull him in but he retreats. Giving you full control, keeping your eyes trained on his, well aware that’s what he needed to make sure, he could gauge our pain whether you wanted to admit it or not. Initially, nothing happened neither of you moved, just the faint suction of your very neglected pussy trying to suck him in.

 “I said I wanted you to fuck me...you know my body better than I do..make me take you…” 

‘I-” Yeah. Hoseok.Exe stopped working because he definitely wasn't expecting that, thinking you’d just rock yourself down, not that you wanted him to gauge your restience! Nails raking down his back as you roll your hips against him, making sure he can feel how warm and wet you are, how ready you are..positioning your lips to moan right against his ear.

“Fucking come’re” Hosoek leans forward smashing his lips against yours so hard it hurts, grabbing your legs, bracing them on either side of his shoulders. Sliding your hips forward until the backs of your thighs are flush with his chest, and your red bottoms are facing the ceiling. Gripping his length, teasing the head up and down your folds, as he left a trail of open wet mouthed kisses down your jaw,behind your ear, over to your neck. Ending with his lips nuzzled against your ear…returning the gesture “Missed you, touching you,” Exensuating each word with a kiss “The sound of your voice, waking up to you, being inside you...” Rocking his hips against yours deep, and hard.

You can’t even help but moan at just the mention of him being inside again after what feels like months “Want you, need you....” You’re in rare form tonight, yeah, your always a little submissive with him but not to this extent. 

“Your really tryin to break me today huh?” Tugging your lobe between his teeth before suctioning his lips around your jaw, at this angle Hoseok had the fronts of your thighs colliding with your chest. If he even considers  bringing you back this deep once he’s in you...it’s game over…”You ready?” 

“God yes” Soothing your hands up his stomach once he pulled back, skin hot to the touch and initially nothing happens, just the pressure of Hoseok's tip. Wiggling your hips playfully gives him a little incentive, so he starts to rock forward, and suddenly play times over! Your body freezes dead in its tracks...Hoseok's eyes stay trained on yours the entire time and your jaw clenches at the exact moment your pussy clamps down around his tip. As if you're trying to reroute the pressure elsewhere…A slight whine spills form your lips which lets him know there is still some pleasure laced within all of this.

‘Touch me, keep touching me baby….” Somehow Hoseok appears to be offensively calm regardless of the vice like grip you currently have around him! The request was more for you than him, knowing how much you needed his warmth right now! Clearly your not even close to being settled enough for him to come down flush level yet. So, this will have to do,taking your hands in his, guiding them down his body leisurely. Leading your fingers on a little field trip, sighing contently once you feel how warm and toned he is, how strongly his body reacts to your touch. The way every muscle twitches as you ghost over it, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. Subconsciously you found yourself leaning towards his touch, hissing out once you shifted a little too much for the moment.

“You still with me baby?” 

Nodding slowly as you try to focus, steading your breathing as much as possible, you wanted, no, needed to feel him like this! He can see the pain coursing through your body as the two of you still hold each other's gaze, which is the only thing keeping you grounded right now. Resting his head against your inner thigh, kissing along your skin once he feels his tip breach your quivering entrance. And it’s tight , fuck it’s tight, your body feels like it’s buring from the inside out once you swollow the swell of his head between your lips. Your jaw slacks open and nothing comes out, he’s not even sure if your breathing right now but what he does know is your eyes are still open and focused on Hoseok. 

“Goddamn” Hoseok groans deep and low head lulling back and finally he sounds just as fucked up as you,hand taking a bruisingly hard grip on your hips. He’s actually trying to shift back a little, so he can rock back in, but he can’t. You won’t let him go,“You gotta-shit, you gotta  let me breathe a little baby….fuck” He’s winded and using every once of self control he has to stay stationary, even though your applying a dangerous amout of pressure to the most sesentive regin of this mans shaft. The tip, that's all that's suctioned between your heat and your squeezing him like your trying to break him, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.  

 So you try, fuck you try, exhaling then inhaling then exhaling again, attempting to get all your msucles to relax. Only problem is your not even clenching around Hoseok’s cock, you just have him trapped. Your just clamped tight, so tight it hurts, on both ends! He can feel your thighs shaking around him, pulling inwards as if your bodies trying to curl in on itself , and he knows this isn't going to work! He’s hissing hard too, nails digging into the swell of your ass, and thankfully once the two of you make eye contact yours are daggering into him with a silent plea. And he already knows what you want! The real issue is there’s way too much swirling around your head mentally for you to have full control over your senses right now. So, that's when you render him full control of any and every inch of your being to do as he pleases in order to give you what you need.

“Ho-Seok...fuck just-” 

 Reaching out for one of your hands so you can squeeze his as hard as you need, kissing along your knuckles.”Yeah?” 

“Yeah!” Tilting your head back with a beathy whine, squeezing his fingers even tighter….

 “You trust me?” Nodding without hesitation “I need you, to keep your eyes open, and focus, can you do that for me baby? ”  It’s a lot but Hoseok knows your limits and if it was truly too much he’d pull out, you can take it, all of it. Shifting your thighs so there now wrapped around his waist as opposed to above his head.  Pouring an obscene amount of lube on the remainder of his shaft, not even bothering to rub it in, just letting the excess drip onto the table. 

“And if you can’t get your colors out?” 

“Pinch you...I’m good, I know you got me...”A lazy smile tugging on your lips as you just try to stay calm.

“On the count of three, take a deep slow breath through your nose...and don't exhale until I tell you too” Hoseok cups your cheek and you nuzzle into it, kissing the tips of his fingers, you can feel them trembling though he’s trying to appear at ease.. 

“K” Yes wide, but focused, determined...a  little stubborn but hell you've already started right? 

Hoseok's eyes flutter shut briefly, taking in a deep slow breath of his own, making sure he’s in the right headspace to guide you through this. Once those big brown eyes of his creek open and your gazes meet again it’s heavy. Hosoek’s eyes are blown out, half lided, already glazed over, he just looks like sex...and he looks like hes about to break you in all the right ways! 

Adjusting his grip on your hip, steadying himself, thumbing at your side, “Count with me….1” God, the textures in this man's voice where unreal, he just sounds so damn smooth, the hushed command had so much control, and warmth wrapped up in all of 4 words.

He rocks forward, barely...just to see if you’ve loosened up and you still haven’t budged... Flicking his chin in your direction indicating he wanted you to continue…

“Two…” You’d be lying if you aid your heart wasn;t hammering in your ears as you let a deep breath start to fill your lungs.

“Three” Whispped through clenched teeth and he didn’t hesitate, rocking back just a little so he has better leverage tilting his hips upwards and he watches your eyes widen..thighs tense but he doesn't stop. Redirecting all of his weight into his abdomen, grinding down with a deep, heavy roll of the hips, you can feel every muscle in his back within this first thrust. Your fingers twitch in his hold, eyes glazing over relatively quickly, but your still looking at him, barely but you are. Even Hoseok’s breathing a little shaky, brows furrowed, but he's in, his tips fully past your entrance “Let it out baby….” 

And you do, whimpering hard, as a choked out breath hippicus through your chest, initially you were expecting him to pause. Give you a minute to adjust to the initial stretch…..Nope…

He doesn't stop, he's still rolling forward and now your gasping and whimpering all over again, even louder this time! Hoseok’s thumbs bruising the hell out of your hips but you don’t have him stop, you can’t! Your mind and body needs this right now, the tension the burn,all of it! 

“That’s it…” Even though his restricted breathing you can hear the fondness dripping off his tongue. “ Focus on me, I got you” The more he breaches his way through your heat the more the wind gets knocked out of your lungs but it’s good, it’s soo damn good! You manage to somewhat choke out his name and he just hums in response, biting down on his bottom lip in concentration. Untangling his hand from yours to brace both on either side of his head. Hoseoks pushing through steadily now,morphing his way through your heat that’s still trying to fight against him but he doesn't stop.No matter how hard you pulsing around him, Hoseok's shaft drags forward until his balls meet the swell of your asss. And finally he’s right on top of you, your bodies trembling beneath him so he gently lowers himself. Bringing his chest flush to yours letting your wrap your arms around his neck. Clawing your way down his back, intentionally releasing some of the tensions coursing through your veins. Licking his way back into your mouth, kissing deep, and messy until your light headed and desperate. Endless Moans richoching against one other, his palms soothing down your thighs. 

Everything pauses for a while, neither of you move, your both panting hard into each other's mouths while you adjust and Hoseok's not rushing you either. Wanting you to relax a little so he doesn't come after all of 2 strokes, idily  tracing patterns against your skin. Finally able to feel your breathing even out, muscles becoming more laxed beneath him!

“You ready for me baby?,”

All you can do is moan in response, still so overwhelmed, squeezing your legs around his waist as hard as you could so he at least knows your still with him. 

So he does, pulling out and pushing back in, and your eyes automatically roll back at the feeling. It’s still tight as fuck but he’s somehow managing to weave his way through. .

“Hurts?”  He can’t help but ask since your thighs are still shaking a little, and you nod honestly.

“Good pain? Good enough to make my pretty baby come?” More of a statement than a question, you can hear the smirk in his voice, as he kissed down your jaw. Trying to distract you a little,sucking a couple bruises along the front of your neck . Edging his way back and forth building up a steady tempo, and finally Hoseok can feel the shift. He’s able to breathe within you a little better, your letting him wade in a little deeper! 

You exhale shakily and nod again, feeling him shift off of you, repositioning your legs on either side of his shoulders.Leaning forward pressing all his weight into his arms until your thighs are flush to your chest. 

Your mouth opens and closes, kinda like a fish outta water, you do it a few times but not shit comes out.

“Baby…” Kissing up your inner thigh as he gently rocks forward , slowing down a little so you can feel the slow drag of his cock pull you apart. Back arching ever so lightly, moaning out low and wanton “Your so, sexy, doin so good for me” Nuzzling against your skin, nipping lightly at your inner thigh. 

“Your deep” The word barley leaves your tongue “Fuck, faster..”

“Yeah?”

Before you can even respond he snaps his hips forward and you almost scream, nails digging into his disciples as he stares down at you with a smirk that’s..real concerning considering the position he has you in. So he does it again, pulling his cock halfway out and rocking forward, 

“That’s it, that’s what my baby needed,” Hoseok whispers and thrust forward even harder this time, rocking up on the heels balls of his feet as if he’s aiming for your damn ribcage. 

Your mouth falls back open, looking like you wanna moan but you can;t every exhale gets cut off by another deep roll of the hips,repositioning himself so he braced with one arm. Running the other up your face, into your hair, before cradilling your jaw, thumbing at your bottom lip which you nip and suck into your mouth. Humming out contently, as you lick a stipe up his index and middle finger, not missing the way Hoseok’s cock twitches at the added stimulation. 

“Look at you…..” Eyes trailing down your body agnoniziling slow, taking in each and every detail as if it’s the very first times he's ever seen you like this. And still, you can’t help but shutter at the genuine astonishment burning through those lust filled eyes of his. Which eventually land on the site that his is cock dissappring between your wet and swollen pussy, lips just sprawled over his balls just the way he likes “ My baby's so good for me hmm?

“Always…” you whisper eyes rolling back,,completely glazed over, as his fingers fallback from your lips, every inch of your skin feels like it’s on fire right now.

Hoseok gets lost for a minute, watching the way your so pliant and trusting with him, eyes squeezed shut just letting yourself get consumed by all things Hoseok! Pulling back just enough to spit directly on your clit. The texture has your eyes flying open the instantly rolling shut once he brings his thumb down to work the bud at a swift steady pace. 

“Fuckkkk” Whimpering loudly in repsonse “Don’t stop, fuck harder..” And that he does, harder faster every thrust has his balls smacking against your ass. “Fuck, yes! Fuck, you feel so good…” 

“Yeah, yeah...your right there...come on baby…” He can feel you pulsing even harder against him. Not that you ever fully stopped but the tensions different now, more constricted…..he starts thrusting home hard! Spitting an even bigger wad on your clit, mixing it with the extra lube dripping down his balls as he continues ripping your nerves wide open. 

“Fuck, kiss me!” Whiney and bossy as per usual!

Smacking his hand away, exchanging it for your own so you can drag him down and take what you need, placing  your index and middle finger straight to the clit, which was rock hard. Applying as much pressure as possible, until the friction almost burns. Feeling your release dangling right in front of your face.

“Fuck, I’m gonna come...” You whisper out  all of a sudden slowly rocking your hips forward trying to meet his thrust though it’s  kinda hard in this position. 

“Yeah? You gonna come all over my cock? Then let me fill you up until I’m dripping down your thighs...” The kiss is messy more tonuge and teetht han skill, he can feel you, your right fucking there, thrusting into so hard it almost hurts.

Your eyes widen, brows furrowing to the center of your face, breath shuttering in your throat, mouth just parted against his, then your eyes squeezed shut. Fingers still working your clit, and your coming, silent at first until your crying out, voice shattinger , nails dragging from the nape of hoseok's neck down his back! He dosen’t stop fucking you, not even for a second, going just as, and fast as he was before, while you whitherbenathe him. The second he feels you try and pull your hand away he drops his hips even lower, restricting any movements. 

“Don’t fucking stop! Keep coming until I do, I'm right there,ride this out with me baby” He all about growls at you, and you don’t even dare to disobey, to be honest you don’t wanna stop. Body almost working on autopilot to chase the buzz running through your body, running towards it as much as your trying to run away…it’s too much but it’s soo good!

He’s thrusting into you as hard as he can but fuck if his biceps aren’t on fire and he just can’t finish the way he wants...the way he needs. So he pulls out, fast, barley giving you time to whine nevertheless realize what's going on and he slides over next to you. Lying back on the desk and grabbing you within seconds, sinking you back down onto his cock in one swift notion. Nails digging into your hips as he fucks you down onto him, hard, short thrust rip through your body, not making you do a damn thing but try and hang on for the ride! Your gasping hard, tossing your head back once you reconnect your hand with your clit. Attempting to roll your hips down and meet the pace he’s set but it's merciless… and he’s picking up speed quickly. 

“jesus-fuck-Ho-oseok!” Your nails are raking into this man's chest so hard you wouldn't be surprised if you broke skin but he’s groaning deep and that’s only egging you on! 

His honey coated complexion’s just dripin, brows furrowed, eyes barley ajar, Hoseok seems to be returning the favor. His thumb is about a second away from leaving a permanent indentation and it hurts but you need it. Not even a question as to if you guards can hear you or not your loud! Voice trashed, and very swipe of the hand has you jerking and twitching above him because your clits sentive as all fuck, but goodamn if he dosen’t look good, forhead sweaty  jaw slacked. 

“Y/n, Y/n, fuckk” He’s whining high and needy, heats rashing over his body, and you feel his balls tighen against your ass, and now he turly is right there. You can feel him twitching hard inside you.

“Come onnn baby, you know I fuckin want it, you know I wanna be fu-” There’s a choked out tear rolling down your cheek your bodies spazing so damn hard, it’s painful. Before you can even make sense of what’s happening your crying, and your clenching and coming all over again, your bodies completely spent. Toppling on top of him, instantly because...what the hell just happened?? 

 You clamp down tight around his cock unintentionally, body just luid, and spasming above him and you both moan and that’s when he comes, hard. Eyes open, and locked with yours, a low goan of your name falling from his lips as he spills into you. Hoseok’s shaking beneath you but he doesn't even try to pull out, reaching up to gently brush the tears off your cheek. Taking your hand in his, and sucking those same two fingers into his mouth, eyes locked with your as he does so, and your too damn spent to even react properly. Slowly he still continues thrusting into you, leaning up to press a couple soft kisses against your lisp, humming contently as you taste yourself.  Adjusting his grip so he has one hand, caressing the back of your neck and the other wrapped around your waist. Rubbing slow soothing circles down your spine, as he cards his fingers through your hair, your chest heaving together in unison as your bodies slowly come down. 

“Hi” The words hush off your tongue with a lazy, and utterly exhausted smile, eyes too heavy to open until you feel his teeth pressing against your lips. Letting you know he's smiling too and I mean, fuck, who are yuo to declien a front row seat to to watch the sunrise!

“Hi baby…”  Leaning up to press another linger kiss against your lips as his hips to a halt, just letting you simmer around him. Even the slight stimulation was enough to have both of you moaning out in overstimulation...

________________________________________________________________

The comedown was always slow between the two of you so it’s not a surprise that your bodies and tongues stayed tangled together long after Hoseok came. Eventually, the desk got a little uncomfortable, Hoseok's damn near stuck to it ,there's so much heat radiating off his skin.  So he wraps you in his arms and plops the two of you down on the couch. All the while , his cocks still bured between your lips, your dress is still flipped over your ass and his jeans and hanging low against his thighs! 

“How you feelin?”Pressing delicate kisses all over your face, hands rubbing your inner thighs because he knew they were burning by now.

“Tired” You pouted, mumbling slightly...

“Well, I guess I did my job then huh?” A faint smirk tugging on his lips, as he kissed down your jaw….

Once the two of you settled on the couch Hoseok waits a moment, opting to see if you’d want him to pull out though he should’ve known better, the two of you fall asleep like this more times than not! Gently stroking his fingers down your back in hopes it would coax you into talking without him having to pry it out of you!  The longer you lot sat in silence the faster your heart rate got, Hoseok could actually hear it echoing throughout the room. Leaning down to press a flurry of kisses into your scalp trying to ease you in anyway he could. Eventually, the T-rex in the room was starting to feel a little suffocating sooo...

“He’s just not...doing well, like…. at all…” Tone flat, as if you were trying to remove yourself from the situation at hand. Purposely nuzzling into the side of his neck, bussing yourself with the chains dawning his collarbones. The lack of eye contact wasn’t because you were embarrassed it’s because you just really didn’t wanna cry. You came wayyyy too hard your body can’t handle shit else! 

“I know-I know we’ve known this for a while…” There was this really thick lump hammering in your throat that really didn’t want to leave, the stability within your tone was swiftly heading south. Hoseok could hear it too, no matter how muffled you sound, suddenly more kisses were being pressed into your scalp.

“I guess, I was just fucking naive because he was doing soooo damn good earlier in the year ya know? ” Eyes fluttering up to meet his tentatively, your lashes fanning his skin gave that away, and he gazed down instantly. A dry chuckle leaving your throat, shaking your head as if your the butt of your own joke, but didn’t find it funny nor did he find it naive. 

Holding you even tighter, if that was possible…Those big brown eyes of his were soft and so damn fond of you it was actually ridiculous. If only your enemies could see you now, two of the most notoriously cutthroat people in the industry, throwing googly eyes back and forth! Looking like a couple in some cheesy Netflix romcom! Leaning down to press a lingering kiss on your lips, not pulling back until you released the breath that apparently only he knew you were holding. 

 ”Listen to me baby, there’s nothing naive about being hopeful, there’s also no handbook on how to handle your father dying. Even if you know it’s coming sooner than later..doesn't make any of this shit easier...”

“I know but...fuck…” Shifting slightly so your sitting more upright arm propped on the cushion behind his shoulder. “It’s just a lot, because I feel like I can’t fully do my job because if I do, I’ll miss something. Maybe I’ll miss...it, I mean Germany for fuck’s sake! That’s totally something I’d typically go on..instead, I forced y-”

Leaning down to press his lips against yours again, hoping you’d get the hint “In case you forgot..I volunteered, you never asked...you didn’t have too. And my job, for the record, is whatever you need it to be!” There was nothing but fire blazing into your eyes right now, he needed you to feel that, that he’s here for whatever you need..whenever you need it...however you need it! 

“I know, Seok-baby I know, and I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know” Reaching out to cup his jaw, melting at the way he instantly nuzzled into your palm before giving it a kiss. 

“However, I’m suppose to be in charge, I’m suposed to be in control, and I’m not.. I’m already falling apart and he’s not even gone yet…” That sentence alone had you feeling like you wanted to throw up! “I mean can you fuckin imagine how much of a wreck I’m gonna be?” Hoseok could hear how agitated you were getting so he opted to just stay quiet until he was sure you were done talking…

“Seok, I’m going to fall a fucking part-” You tried to turn your head before the tear rolled down your cheek but you failed, voice breaking off before you could even continue your thought. Hastily whipping your face as if you were mad at yourself for being so emotional right now. Nails daggering into his but he didn’t pull away, he let you be, he’s felt way worse. 

“This empire, his, empire is going to fall, apart, and any legacy my family ever had will  go up in flames! And who’s fucking fault will that be!? Huh? Not my brothers, Nothing’s ever his fault, how the hell does that work out!?” Your voice was hammering so hard in your chest it almost sounds as though your speaking straight into an industrial fan!

“ The one who fucked up everything gets to just ease by like nothing ever happened! Cause lord knows he’s too too damn much of a junkie to even tie his fuckin shoes nevertheless run the family business! It’s not that I didn't want this, I just don’t think I’m ready...nobody asked me if I was ready, my own fuckin brother never even offered to help like-I-fuck!” 

And now your crying again, great, great…..your first instinct was to get up, get away, move, break more shit I don’t know! Just anything, but sitting in this man’s lap, those assassin reflexes though, Hoseok caught your thigh before you could completely ease off the couch. Shifting your weight again, helping you pull out, you were far too gone to even react to the slight sting you should’ve felt. Slamming you back down so your hips were flush against his pelvic bone, holding you so your body hovered over him. You knew the position was so he could look straight through your damn soul but you couldn’t handle that right now….eyes fluttering down to your lap instead. 

“Y/n” No, he needed you to look at him, gently reaching down to cup your tear-stained face, eyes, and nose rivaling a blowfish!  

“And I say again…you don't have to do this alone anymore. I’m here for you, for you my baby, in any, and every way you need. You wanna regroup and brainstorm as to how I can help more let’s do it, if you need me on the field more let’s fuckin do it! Whatever you need to make this easier just tell me .” His pause was intentional holding your gaze, making sure you felt that. Allowing you to search his eyes for any hints of uncertainty that he already knew you’d never find. 

“And if you fall apart guess what!? I’ll be there to help put you back together time, and time again...and this empire will be fine. Stop, stop thinking everyone’s gonna leave you, you’ve been acting as your father’s second in command since you were 19! More importantly, you’ve been running shit with very little delegation for well over a year and if anything this operation flourished. Give yourself more credit, everyone here thinks highly of you, and not because they have too...it’s because your someone worth being admired. Regardless of how dirty our work may be, you and I both know there’s still a way to run this with some heir of dignity! “ 

Reaching up to grab you by the nape of your neck, bringing your forehead down to rest against his own...hoping it would ground you a little “You got this baby..and you got me...I’d burn down the world for you in a second if need be and you know it! Imma get you through this...I promise!”

You let your eyes flutter shut briefly, trying to calm down, you could feel him pressing light kisses against your tear stained cheeks and you couldn't help but smile. Yeah, it was small, definitely did not reach your eyes but it was something...

“I know we aren’t the most honorable people, and he won’t get some fuckin gold plaque like the Mayor when he dies but my dad was a very honorable man for the work he did. And I’ve always tried to do the same, I just..fuck I just want him to be proud of me….I mean at least that.”  Your face hurts you were trying so hard not to cry anymore, a shaky breath ghosting off your lips. 

“He’s already never gonna see me, grow old or walk down the aisle or-.fuck..”  Shit…Hoseok look’s utterlly terried as to where this is going....

“Fuck, he’s never gonna see me walk down the aisle one day” Eyes wide, panicked I guess this was the first time you’d had that thought...the first time you’re really thinking about all the things you’d have to do without him. You've always promised yourself that regardless of how crazy your world is...eventually once you're settled you’d stop denying your heart of its desires! 

Having someone to endlessly love and share this empire with is something you’ve always wanted...and something your father always told you, you deserved and would have one day! 

“Hes nev- holy shit what if I have ki-oh my god.” Every word felt as though it was strangling you, as it hiccups from your chest “ Oh. My. God ” Now this was a lot, this was pain strong enough to split you in half, all the thoughts you’d been avioding suddenly rushed to the surface! 

Your full blown sobbing into the side of his neck … and Hosoek’s heart hurts , fuck it hurts. slouching down into the couch, engulfing your body into his arms which only made you cry even harder. Ya know what makes it even worse? Is that there isn’t a damn thing he can do about this kinda pain. There’s no one he can shoot or stab to make it go away and it’s fucking gut-wrenching, as your body breaks apart above him . 

“Shhh,your okay baby, it’ll be okay….” Even Hoseok didn’t believe that, he didn’t have the slightest idea as to how he was going to get you through losing the first man you ever loved! But fuck if he wasn’t going to try! 

“Listen to me, stop, don’t do that to yourself” Gripping the sides of your face tight enough in his palms to force you ro focus on him and only him. “Let’s get you home alright? Will talk about work and all the other bullshit later you just need-”

“Y/n! Y/n!” 

Who the actual hell...

The sound of someone squawking your name like they’d lost their damn minds had both of you rerouting your attention. Completely shattering the moment causing your body to tense on command. Your brains been wired for so many years to just cut off emotions at the blink of an eye it almost happens on autopilot now! Zoning in on the chaos that appears to be unfolding outside your door and within seconds your pain becomes old news! Which is….just great for your mental health but carry on! 

You could hear your guards all standing outside the door trying to calm whoever this person is with a very clear death wish down. However, they didn’t seem to falter.

“Y/n, open the damn door now! This is serious you can’t just shut me out like this!!” 

But wait, wait, wait, random’s don’t just get acess into the compound so there’s only so many options…

Then, you start to recognize the tenor...and so does Hoseok, and he’s fucking livid. You could literally feel every muscle in his body tense from beneath you. Reaching down to snatch you off his lap, and tucking  himself back into his pants so damn fast you almost got whiplash. If he wasn’t soft before he definitely was now! 

“You’ve gotta be shitting me!” Striding over to your desk to grab your Glock34 from the drawer. 

“I fuckin told him not to come here today...” Growled through gritted teeth, as he reloaded your gun, spinning the barrel. 

Shit.

”Yn! YN! We need to talk about what’s going on with dad!” The slow-motion drawl said it all, he’s high as hell and it’s your fucking brother…

“Ohhh, he wants to talk about your father?!” Tone loud and Exaggeratedly cheerful as they leave his lips sing song esque “Of fucking course he does!” 

“Hoseok-” Yeah, this wasn’t ending well, swiftly readjusting your dress back around your thighs. Though your thighs felt like a damn slinky you still ran over to barricade yourself in front of the door! The door that your brother was still banging on like a fucking idiot!

“Jason. Leave!!!” Praying the distress resonated through the pans of marble, your just now realizing how gone your voice truly is, honestly you don’t even know if he heard you. But for his sake, you hope it did, because it Hoseok gets through this door...

“Nooo,Jason stay!” 

“Hoseok…” Bracing your hand firm against his chest, pushing him away from the door. The warning laced within your tone was clear as all hell, no matter how brittel it was .

“Nah, he wants to talk, let’s fuckin talk! He’s the last thing you need to be worrying about right now, considering he only gives a fuck about you when he’s tapped out of his monthly allowance! What? All of a sudden he cares so deeply about your father?” Brow arched knowingly “ Let him even fix his mouth to say the word “Will” and I will buss a cap so far up his asshole, he’ll cough out all the coke he’s been sniffin’!”

“Y/n, I can have him escorted-”

“One second Spade!” That mans been around since you were in middle school. You know the sound of his voice anywhere, yeah even muffled through a marble wall.

“Comere” Tone dropping to a purr, that you knew wans’t fair but fuck it, no matter how angry he’s on you in seconds, like I said...he can’t deny you anything. 

Leaning forward to wrap your arms around his waist and you can feel how tense his body is initially...yet he still instinctively lets his hands find their home right on the swell of your ass. The edge of the glock resting against your waist…..

 “Baby, I know your angry, and I know that’s mostly because of me, hell I was just chewing him out a second ago. But at the end of the day he is my brother and that is our dad...that’s damn near on a fuckin resperator. I know how to keep him at arms length... I don’t have the mental capacity for this right now. But, I’m gonna open that door, and see what the hell he wants, and I need you, for me...to just chill. If he gets outta line I’ll have him escorted out.”  He physically growled at that, Hoseok would much rather handle this on his own.

Leaning up to card your fingers through his hair, acting as if you didn't even notice his little tantrum “I really need you by my side tonight, and I need you to stay calm,because I’m far from it. Let’s hear him out and if he steps out of lines he’s out.” 

Wrapping his hand around the one you have laced within his hair “You already know I can’t say no to you!” He’s pissed about it too, long gone are the days when he could just do what he pleased regardless of who it affected. 

“But I swear to go Y/n, if and when he steps outta line-fuck-you just better make sure,  your boys are ready to throw his ass out ...because if I do it...he’s gonna end up in the ER for more than just wirthdrawls!”

`__________________________________________________

THAT’S ALLL SHE WROTE FOR NOW…KINDA I ALSO WROTE HALF OF PART TWO, SO IF YOU ENJOYED SHOW THIS SOME LOVE AND COME TALK TO ME! My GENERAL RULE OF THUMB IS AS LONG AS SOMETHING GETS AT LEATS 100 LIKES I’LL CONSIDERING ADDING TO IT DOWN THE LINE!

ALSO,  A LITTLE BONUS BECAUSE I DID MAP OUT THE FIRST 4 CHAPTERS BACK WHEN I WROTE THIS...

_________________________________________________________

It’s clear the OC’s brother will probably/definitely be an issue, in more ways then one! As well as her father is obviously going to die, like, within the first couple of chapters.

Her family’s association is called “Grim” and she’s commonly known as “The princess of the Grim clan”. 

There is a 2nd member set to be introduced in part 2 that will eventually work for the OC...hint it’s a makane! He tries to robe one of their local establishments and well...clearly that probably won’t end too well…

Jin is a mob associate...his family's Forbes ranked multi-million dollar empire was founded with blood money! Sooo, he’s a mutual between “Grim” and “The King Tapian’s”.

3 of the other members are in another association overseas called “The King Tapian’s”. A name she’s heard of, as they have one hell of a rep but they’ve never “officially” crossed paths. That is, until another death within the mob world which brings a new territory on the market! One that her fathers been eying for years over in Europe! (Another hint, they kinda join forces and eventually agree to co-inhabit the area in efforts to shove another “shysterier” gang out, which in turn starts a little war if you will!) The other members would be a sub-focus however It was undecided as to how big of a part they’d all play!

 Lastly, the final member is a freelance hacker/hitman that knows Hoseok very well, so much so the pair used to fool around back in the day so yes that would make him BI! 

I was also undecided if I wanted to incorporate another member sexually or not...as I’d dabbled with the idea of them being in an open relationship! There was also the possibility of making the “King Tapian” Boys lowkey poly! Either solely male on male or maybe throw in the idea of a minor female character who i’d name so there’s no confusion! 

The overall gist of the story was essentially the OC finding her footing after her father dies. Making her own path as one of the only women in charge on the black market! While also creating some allies and gaining of course some enemies along the way! Regardless this would also be a Hoseok centered series with the possibility of semi regular OT7 guest appearances!

  Love you as always,

Rocki,

[kalesorbet]

PRISON BREAK LETS GOOO (liveblogging)

someone give my meow meow a hug or i'll do it myself

if i don't see either dream or wilbur today i'm quitting, o7 to my seven followers here it's been real

the fact that i'm not even convinced we'll be getting c!dream content but my monkey brain said "but kale what about c!rivalstwt wouldn't that be neat??"

he's live he's live he's live he's live

EVERYONE SHUT UP HE'S LIVE NOW

i can't stop laughing at the music this is so dramatic

ok but for real what is this song from i recognize it

any bets on how many camera deaths we get

LMAO the rain starting like that was so good

ghostbur sussy

my internet p l e a s e

THE MUSIC WAS THE DOCTOR WHO THEME. FUCK.

anyways my internet is back ghostbur my beloved

"where's your backup plan" "my what"

"whisper it in my ear" UEUEUEUE

"when i come out later" mhm bc that's Definitely What Will Happen

POP OFF KING

ueueueeue ghostbur's CRYING bc of the water

what's tommy's plan to drink more invis when it runs out

ghostbur is canonically s m a l l

TOMMY COME ON DUDE

tommy you are so bad at incognito jesus c h r i s t

wait why doesnt ghostbur want to be revived anymore

UM HELLO

tommy p l e a s e

TOMMY LOOKS SO SCARED HNGNGNGN

this is the worst part my anxiety is through the ROOF

why did sam allow ghostbur in in the first place

GHOSTBUR I AM BEGGING YOU PLEASE I CANNOT DO THIS TODAY BESTIE

OH

no tommy stay by the cell

why didn't he stay on the thing

HE HAS A WHAT?

HE HAS A HOSTAGE FF;LKJEKRGH

el em aye oh

this is the SAME SHIT

C!SAM MY DETESTED

this is so fuckign sad

dream has canonically travelled to the void to collect wilbur

wtf is going on is this a blooper

wimblr

do it. dream do it. dream revive him

sam you're just bitter because you don't have healthy coping mechanisms

PLEASE MY VILBUR MY MEOW MEOW

YEAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

"what have you done tommy" BITCH THIS IS YOUR FAULT TOO

ok but if i don't physically see wilbur again i will end it all

WHITE HAIR STREAKS CANNON EVEYRONE SHUT UP THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

ok wilbur wouldn't have changed his skin if we weren't gonna see him again right

let me see my meow meow let me see him let me see him let me see him

W H E R E I S H E

ranboo and tubbo have no fucking idea whats going onnnn

"no one else was going to come in" oh ok so why is ghostbur allowed

this conversation is not good for c!tommy's Mental Health

c!sam is acting like a 2 year old

ranboo and tubbo please

le t me s e e h i m

gogogogoggogogogogoog i want to s e e h i m

THERE HE IS!!!!!!!!!! MY MEOW MEOW MY BELOVED MY FAVORITE LITTLE BOY

ueueueueeueuueueue my beloved im gonna SOB

IM SOBBING PLEASE

"i need to watch the sunrise" PLEASE I-

"i cherished that" IM GOING TO BREAK DOWN

THEIR OWN PERSONAL LIMBO HELLO

DJLUFAELRGJKLERH.G

YCGMA REFERENCE???? A TRAIN WHAT THE FUCK

"MY HERO" IM GOIGN TO LOSE TI DFKJAHGR

tommy let him speak

WILBUR COME BACK

i am in shambles this is the only thing i will think about for w e e k s

[silenthillmutual]

okay. warning for negative bc this is kind of a vent post?

so. i’m still working on unlearning a lot of things that i had kinda drilled into my head with my mom that i did not realize were bad until recently? or things that i could not easily voice were having negative effects on me until recently. and i’m kind of thinking about how my mom is very. hhhhhhhh.

my mom does not have a life outside of work. and not like, “oh she’s very dedicated to her career” sort of way. but like, she does not believe in taking time off. and i think in the way our capitalist environment functions that always comes off sounding very admirable. it’s not. 

because what that equates to is like, she works to avoid other things in her life. she says that she can’t afford to take a break or any time to herself and my best friend and i had told her repeatedly that if she really wants a relationship she is going to have to take time to devote to that which means working less if only by a little bit! and that i have told her that she should take time to herself to relax whether she had a relationship or not because it’s not healthy to obsess over work the way that she does.

and. i guess she does a bit now. i saw recently on her fb that she went to colonial beach w her boyfriend and like. good for her. but that doesn’t erase that she is constantly harping on me, even from a distance, to do like. everything all in one day. and that i should be working 40+ hours a week and that if i don’t do that, that i’m lazy.

like my mom’s version of workaholism is to view herself as the rule and not the exception, which i can see in certain contexts how that translates into “oh so she’s not full of herself” but it’s actually really the opposite! because i think it takes a special brand of narcissism to assume that everyone is and should be exactly like you and that if they are not they are failing and that is their own fault. 

so, my mom has fibro, like on top of all of that and i wonder if she’d feel better if she didn’t constantly push herself into working all the time. and the truth is that she’ll look at any time i spend online regardless of what i’m doing (bc she doesn’t ever care what i’m actually doing on there, to her it’s all the same) as time wasted and an addiction to the internet. and she thinks that everyone else w fibro or w any chronic or mental illness can work exactly as much as she can because if they do anything less they’re being lazy.

and i think you can kinda see why it’s an issue for a licensed therapist to think or feel that way.

so like. i have never pursued any job that says it’s part time, under $10 an hour that wants me to work 39 hours a week (one hour from full time in the commonwealth of va), no benefits, 8 hours every day, retail, with a massive list of responsibilities. because i know that i can’t handle doing 8+ hours which is how much it’ll wind up being if they want me to open/close (taking into consideration traffic and people who just will not fucking leave), like i had to struggle to work 8 hours at a job i actually LIKED without thinking of working at fucking target or some shit for 8+ hours a day. i can’t do it. between the anxiety and the autism that sounds like something that will make me absolutely want to die and i know this because i tried that at party city for three days and came home in tears every single day and my feet hurt so bad i couldn’t move.

and my mom’s response to that was like. just deal with it! just push through it! you have to! 

you’d think a therapist with a chronic illness would be more compassionate than that. 

but my mom’s whole life is focused on work and i don’t even think it’s because she just loves her job that much. she just refuses to do anything outside of it. she has a dog and a cat (MY cat I adopted her she is under MY legal name and that dog is basically my dog, he was my baby) that i was under no circumstances allowed to take with me regardless of where i went or when, but that she does not...enjoy. at all. she is constantly bitching about the pets and she bought an automatic feeder and self-scooping litterbox and hired pet sitters not for the occasional trip out to her boyfriend’s but for like a regular thing because she is at home as little as possible. every single second that she can spend at work she will.

and she hated that i didn’t spend 6-8 hours at work (more counting traffic) and then want to spend all of my free time looking for a second or different job and cleaning the house and cooking all the meals and running all the errands and taking care of the pets. with no help.

and that’s part of what i mean about her working to get out of having to do other things. because she also works so much so that she can get out of eating. like. ever. her body image issues are so fucked up that she will eat one meal a day and be like “ugh i’m such a pig i’m so fat i should stop eating maybe then i’ll lose weight”. and then she’ll deny that she he has an unhealthy relationship to food and claim she just “doesn’t have time to eat” even though she apparently has time to bitch at me over facebook or henpeck her boyfriend and read 8 different versions of her horoscope in an hour + longer breaks

like i’m sorry but if i could eat in 30 minutes with my coworker calling me to panic on the other end bc everyone decides to come into the library at the same fucking time then i think maybe. just maybe. you can eat a goddamn granola bar in 2+ hours while sitting at your desk instead of saying “i should be writing notes” and not actually writing your fucking notes!

what really kinda. bothers me all about it. like in addition to all this super unhealthy stuff that makes her occupation as a therapist hypocritical as hell is how she criticizes me for doing the exact shit that she does.

by which i mean. holding other people to my standards.

i’ve worked a lot at not being judgmental of other people and challenging my own notions of what is right and acceptable when i find myself judging other people. it’s really hard. i think it’s connected a lot to being autistic and the kind of biases that we’re all brought up into and it’s why travelling and secondary education are really important, not even just because of learning aspect (although liberal arts forcing you to take classes outside of your comfort zone. i think helps a lot in this too) but because meeting people from all different kinds of backgrounds makes you look at things from different angles you wouldn’t have otherwise, because if you never leave you never broaden your horizons. 

so when there are still standards that i hold people to it’s. i try to just hold people to “not being a total asshole to everyone around you” as a relatively basic standard that i don’t think should be controversial? but even when i voice that opinion - like, literally, i went to richmond cc with two friends and when i got back i was telling my mom about this guy who was very loudly, specifically so that i could hear his unsolicited opinion of my cosplay, talking about how bad/boring jojo was because he knew i was dressed as someone from jojo and he wanted me and everyone else around him to know his opinion of jojo, then went and started mocking his friend for wanting to buy a gba instead of a gameboy sp bc his friend and i both saw the mother 1+2 and mother 3 cartridges and was just being an asshole! again! and i was just complaining to her after the fact about this guy being a dick and my mom’s response, not even like an “i don’t get it but i’m sorry” first was just

“well maybe he’s autistic”

and! i’m sorry! but that! doesn’t fuckign fly with me! i said “so am i that doesn’t mean i go around being an asshole to everyone at con” 

and she was like “well maybe he’s not as high-functioning as you you can’t hold everyone to your standards”

NO! NO MAYBE HE WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE HE’S CIS WHITE GUY AND THINKS EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW HIS OPINIONS! do you know how many fucking people go to con are autistic????? a whole shit ton of us! do you know how many poc, trans, nb, not-straight people loudly voice their opinions to make the people around them including their friends feel like shit? NONE OF THEM! NONE OF THEM! NONE OF THEM! ONLY THE CISHET WHITE GUYS WHO THINK THEY’RE TOO GOOD FOR COSPLAY FUCKING DO THAT!

and it’s so irritating! like i’m not allowed to talk about my autism EVER and even when my standards are REALLY FUCKIGN LOW i’m being too judgmental of others but she’s allowed to talk about how everyone who doesn’t work 40+ hours every week and starve themselves is fucking?? lazy????

unreal. un fuckign believable.

[carrythetorchtoinferno]

A short summary of my first four-ish hours of Kingdom Hearts:

- LEMME FIGHT THE PRINCESS. I CAN FIGHT EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ISLAND. WHY CAN’T I FIGHT THE PRINCESS. DAMN IT, SQUARE.

- how come Riku is allowed to block AND kip-up donkeykick me in the face with the force of a wrathful god? TEACH ME THE GUARD BUTTON, COWARD.

- it’s been  .03 seconds and this game is already trying to sell me on a love triangle between sora, kairi, and riku. these kids are like five. chill.

- I’m glad I, the player, decided that Riku’s name for the raft was a cool name and tried to make it the same name, because I do not have the hand-eye coordination for a race. It took me five solid minutes of trying and failing to jump along those trees before I finally realized I could just swim around the cliffs and mercy-throw the race for my sake and for Sora’s.

- SORA HAS PARENTS??? THEY MUST BE INCREDIBLY CONFUSED WHERE THEIR JOYFUL DUMB HAS BEEN FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS

- hey sora, all of your friends sound brainwashed, maybe you should ask about that

- okay nevermind, I guess sora’s parents will not be asking where their child went anytime soon

- it’s been three hours and sora has witnessed the destruction of his homeworld, summoned a key from his dreams, got his face pushed in by his friends and also Squall fucking Leonhart, and witnessed the KH equivalent of somebody getting turned into a necromorph from Dead Space in front of his eyes. can this kid please just have a break and a nap, thx

From what vague osmosis knowledge I have of the series, I really don’t think Riku is as eeeeeebiiiiiiillllllz as this prologue is trying to lead me to believe. He’s just making some very bad and dumb choices right now. And he’s probably going to regret them later. Also, and I feel like this is probably the question of the century: where the actual fuck is kairi. come on now, dude. 

Side note: the SFX are fuckin magical. I love them. They sound like magic windchimes n shit and it makes me very happy.

side side note: I USED TO LIVE ON GAIAONLINE. I HAVE SEEN THE FUCKIGN “THINKING OF YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE” LINE SO MANY TIMES. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WAS A KINGDOM HEARTS REFERENCE ALL ALONG. MOTHERFUCKER.

[ihavealavalamp]

ALL OF THEM. NOW

1. A favorite character you have played. - YOU CAN NOT POSSIBLY THINK THAT I DONT LOVE ALL MY CHARACTERS EQUALLY I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH YOU CANT MAKE ME CHOOSE

2. Your favorite character that someone else has played. - r.....ruby...... and all your characters honestly.. also monty played by jaye in daga boys will always have a special place in my heart cause hes just a Ride of a character, chas played by nick is my fucking Friend, and i could keep going honestly i love everyones characters so much you dont understand

3. Your favorite side quest. - i think a lot about the werewolf shenanigans in aurum. i’ll never forget it. 

4. Your current campaign. - im in so many fuckign campaigns rn please god dont make me list them

5. Favorite NPC. - sheila.... all of huli’s friends in flying plague, literally every npc in best intentions (emphasis on astarielle and marlon who make me think a Lot), everyone in story of the stars, and Uhhhh cat does a Real good depiction of ellar in the murder HDSDHS

6. Favorite death (monster, player character, NPC, etc). - i wasnt even fuckin There but the death of elaris. i think abt that a lot. also poetry killing bear was Top Ten Anime Moments

7. Your favorite downtime activity. - depends on the character! most times i cant really think of much though hgfhgf

8. Your favorite fight/encounter. - the poetry vs bear duel was Iconic, and every encounter in best intentions is so fuckin Good cause milo makes some real terrifying monsters like jesus CHRIST.. also in daga boys when walter and the gang were escaping Lich Court. iconic.

9. Your favorite thing about D&D. - i like that it keeps me social and interacting with friends! i have problems with isolating myself but planning d&d stuff keeps me from doing that frequently Thank God.. also i love roleplaying and having a character that grows and interacts with others! i also really love some good ol combat.. i honestly love pretty much every aspect of d&d im very easy to please

10. Your favorite enemy and the enemy you hate the most. - i dont know if i have a favorite! i think lots are real good! but enemy i hate the most has gotta be those fuckin magical huge centipedes milo sent after us in best intentions. FUCK those things.

11. How often do you play and how often would you ideally like to play? - i play pretty frequently! im in a Lot of campaigns rn so im able to play things pretty much whenever i have the time to do so. 

12. Your in game inside jokes/memes/catchphrases and where they came from. - “you really pulled the nose on that one” is Iconic, it was from the first session of daga boys in which a trap activated by pulling the nose of a statue just. kept going off. like they kept pulling the nose Knowing it’d go off. and god i could write so many more but it would make this way too long GDHJDS

13. Introduce your current party. - im in so fucking many campaigns!!!!! but the last two i played i guess.... in best intentions dmed by milo we’ve got gwen the life domain cleric and delwyn the berserker barbarian played by simone and kiara! theyre two dwarf wives on their honeymoon and they got caught up in this ghfhgf,, and my character is silbryn! the fiend warlock we all know and love! and marlon, the dmpc who is generally cryptic and kinda terrifying sometimes but i love him anyways. and then in story of the stars, dmed by krissie! it’s a warrior cats campaign because we’re VALID and the party is orchidpaw played by cat who is aiming for being the leader but has a tenancy to be a bit loudspoken, and my character, songpaw, who is the medicine cat apprentice who tries to be mature but his short temper can get the best of him sometimes. and simone plays bo, a big ol mom cat! i love them.

14. Introduce any other parties you have played in or DM-ed. - TOO MANY I CAN NOT

15. Do you have snacks during game times? - when we’re playing online i dont bc i dont want to make Crunching Noises, but in irl sessions i just eat whatever’s there if anything is there. ya know. im so tired.

16. Do you play online or in person? Which do you prefer? - both! i prefer irl greatly though... im a very Expressive person and my characters are like 75% facial expressions and body language gfhfghgf

17. What are some house rules that your group has? - i can not actually think of any rn ghfghfg

18. Does your party keep any pets? - ya!! lots of familiars.. u know how it be

19. Do you or your party have any dice superstitions? - hfghf i know some people i play with do, but i personally do not!

20. How did you get into D&D? How long have you been playing? - my friends were playing it cause theyre a bunch of NERDS. and it’s been like two years now i think! i started near the end of highschool!

21. Have you ever regretted something your character has done? - CONSTANTLY MY CHARACTERS ARE SUCH DUMBASSES BUT I GOTTA BE IN CHARACTER!

22. What color was your first dragon? - first dragon we took down was a young green dragon in daga boys!

23. Do you use premade modules or original campaigns? - original campaigns, mostly! i do play in a curse of strahd and a ravnica campaign though!

24. How much planning/preparation do you do for a game? - I HAVE TO DO SO MUCH AS A DM otherwise i will Fall Apart. as for pcs, i jsut go in blind and do what my character would do in that moment HJDSKJD

For DMs

25. What have your players done that you never could have planned for? - mainly not acknowledge certain things that are important hgfhgf but other than that ive been lucky to have players that dont really do things that throw me off too much

26. What was your favorite scene to write and show your characters. - the marley scene in weltschmerz i am still SO HAPPY with that... also in underground orchestra when iris explored ellar’s house.... Classic.

27. Do you allow homebrew content? - yeah!! as long as the player runs it by me first then im usually good with pretty much anything as long as it isnt game breaking gfhgfh

28. How often do you use NPCs in a party? - very often i like to Talk and i usually have quite a few reoccurring npcs that either stick with the party or are consistent in their appearances gfhgf (velki in weltz, ellar in uo, ivory in harbingers)

29. Do you prefer RP heavy sessions or combat sessions? - I LIKE BOTH.... im a simple man

30. Are your players diplomatic or murder hobos? - i have good players in both my campaigns!! but i guess it depends!

For Players

31. What is your favorite class? Favorite race? - i LOVE ME SOME CHARISMA CASTERS.... warlocks, sorcerers, and bards are just Fun babey!!! and tieflings, aasimars, and aarakocra are Fun and friends

32. What role do you like to play the most? (Tank/healer/etc?) - im almost Always a caster ghfhgf... glass cannon babey

33. How do you write your backstory, or do you even write a backstory? - it always takes me a While to fully flesh out a backstory, but usually listening to music is what gives me ideas and inspiration for it!

34. Do you tend pick weapons/spells for being useful or for flavor? - flavor, usually! i try to pick things that would be in character for the one im playing!

35. How much roleplay do you like to do? - lots...... im a simple man

there you go, thanks ya fuckin heathen

[bluering8]

do the fandom ask thing for all the versions of star trek you've seen

So that’s… TOS and TNG then (we could also countnu!Trek/AOS but… let’s not count nu!Trek/AOS).

I’ve also seen Two Whole Episodes of Voyager (the one where B’Elannagot split into her human and klingon halves because that’s how species works inStar Trek I guess, and the one where Doctor McHologram wrote a story andeveryone was real mad about how they were portrayed in his story so they wrotea story where he sexually harassed his patients because that’s how solvinginterpersonal problems works in Star Trek I guess) but I don’t think that’senough to Count.

the first character Iever fell in love with:

TOS: Spock.

TNG: Data!

a character that Iused to love/like, but now do not:

TOS: Uhhh probably Spock also? It’s not that I dislike him now so much as I’ve justkind of lost interest in him as a character. I find vulcans to be pretty boringoverall. I adore serious-businessstoic characters, but usually what I love about them is that they’re just assilly as everyone else, only in different ways. You don’t get that withvulcans, they’re like obsessively solemn and take themselves too seriously atall times.

TNG: Oh, definitely Wesley. I quite liked him for the firstcouple of episodes, and then things degenerated rapidly and now I’m at thebitch-eating-crackers level of he doesn’t even need to do anything wrongbecause I’m willing to take his mere existence as a personal insult.

a ship that I used tolove/like, but now do not:

Uhhh I don’t know man, I haven’t spent enough time aroundTrek fandom to get jaded on any of the ships yet.

my ultimate favouritecharacter™:

TOS: God, I don’t know. I don’t feel mad super passionatelyabout any of the TOS cast. Scotty? Scotty’s fun, I like him okay I guess.

TNG: DATA!! My boy, my son, my cinnamon roll, my perfectwish-fulfilment character because who doesn’twant to be an autistic robot man with super strength and a job he loves and apet cat and a dorky boyfriend??

prettiest character:

TOS: Uhura, absolutely.

TNG: Depending on how you define “prettiest”… Tasha Yar isabsolutely the most attractivecharacter, she could break both my arms and I would thank her for the privilege.Geordi is probably the nicest to look at,there’s something so utterly pleasing about the proportions of his face. He isShaped Like A Friend. (Special mentions go to Data and Picard, who have thebest noses on the ship. Neither of them have particularly fantastic noses, butI have to take what I can get where I can find it. Where are all my big-nosedbeauties, this show is not catering to my aesthetic preferences and I feel personallyattacked by this.)

my most hatedcharacter:

TOS: Again, I just don’t feel mad super passionately aboutany of the TOS cast. Who don’t I even like? This is the sound of me realising I’veforgotten like 90% of TOS.

TNG: It’s cliché to hate Wesley, but… guys, I really hateWesley. Also I kind of dislike Troi a lot. Apparently she gets better later on,and I’m not yet at the stage where I loathe her utterly and there’s nothing shecan do to redeem herself, so maybe hopefully one day I will stop dislikingTroi? That’d be neat.

my OTP:

Data/Geordi. That’s it, that’s the ship.

Uh you know what, also Odo/Quark. I don’t know fuckinganything about DS9 but I follow enough people who care about the goolawman/trashgoblin bartender ship that I accidentally started caring about italso. They’re horrible gross jerks who hate each other and they should getmarried so they can go around being horrible and gross and hating each otherfor the rest of eternity please and thank you.

my NOTP:

I don’t really… care enough about shipping to dislikeanything. Data/Yar maybe? I don’t enjoy this ship based entirely on twocharacters having fucked once under the influence of Weird Space Drugs, whichYar then indicated she very much regretted and would not have done sober.

favourite episode:

TOS: I… can’t really remember any fuckin’ TOS episodes. Orlike, I can remember them, but I can’t remember how I felt about them (and myfeelings would certainly have changed by now given that it’s been years).

TNG: S03E10 (The Defector)!! I loved the oneshot NPC and Ienjoyed the plot a lot and I got very emotionally invested in everything whichhappened. I’ve already talked about this hereand here sowe’ll move quickly on before I accidentally another outpouring of love for RomulanDefector Guy and his character arc.

saddest death:

TOS: Spock! The impact was kind of dulled because I knew he’dbe coming back, but it’s still that moment which really really drives home so fucking hard just how much Spock andKirk mean to each other. There’s something so fucking glorious about a death scene where all a person can do is sit andwatch helplessly.

TNG: Am I allowed to say Jarok? Am I allowed to care about aoneshot NPC so much that I consider his death to be the most tragic thing inthe series so far? It’s not so much that I’m sad he died, just that… you havethis character who’s betrayed the planet he loves, he’s lost his familyforever, he’s given up everything,and he thought he could live with that because he did it all for a Cause andnow he learns that it was all a lie and he really did it all for nothing? Likeouch, yeah, just pull my still-beating heart out of my chest and fucking step on it. And then like, hedies because that’s the simplest way to tie up his plotline and you never haveto think about him again and Okay Then.

Other than that, Data’s death was Very Sad because I love myrobot son. Yar’s death was not really sadbut it was Upsetting because god dammit Yar deserved better!! She was too coolto get randomly offed by Goo Man, this is bullshit.

favourite season:

TOS: I think Iremember S02 being particularly good? Who Knows man.

TNG: I. Argh. Fuckign. I’m going to say S03 because it wasthe one I watched most recently and like, a “season” is a really big shape, Ican’t hold shapes that big in my tiny meat brain. But this one had RomulanDefector Guy and Q being de-Q’d and Data having non-drugged sex and Datagetting kidnapped then attempting to shoot his kidnapper to death thentransparently bullshitting Riker when asked about it, and those were all thingsI enjoyed happening. But then S02 also had a lot of things I really enjoyedhappening?? I don’t fucking know, my guy.

least favouriteseason:

Instead of answering this question I spun my chair incircles singing along to Charmless Manand I suggest you do the same. Seasons are really big and there’re a lot ofthings which happen in them!! I don’t have the memory for that sort of thing.

character thateveryone else in the fandom loves, but i hate:

I… don’t really hang around in the fandom enough to knowwhat the general opinion of the characters is, I just sit here in my own littlecorner and enjoy myself.

my “you’re a piece oftrash, but you’re still a fave” fave:

Q!! Also Lore. My faves are always trash, loving Data asmuch as I do is very unusual for me.

my “beautifulcinnamon roll who deserves better than this” fave:

D A T A!!

my “this ship iswrong, nasty, and it makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it”ship:

I… can’t think of anything. That’s weird, I usually hitbedrock on Problematic™ ships within the first fifteen minutes and spend therest of the show attempting to dig myself Even Deeper. Uh, does Bruce Maddox’screepily transparent crush on Data count? I think that should count.

my “they’re kind ofcute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested” ship:

TOS: Spirk! It’s a good ship, I enjoy it, they shouldtotally get married, but you won’t catch me lying awake at 3am staring at theceiling and gently weeping to myself over how much I want these dumbmotherfuckers to just kiss already.

TNG: Data/Q. I’m not sure whether or not anyone else shipsit, but watching S03E13 (Deja Q) convinced me that it’d be cute. They both havean outsider’s perspective on humanity, Data’s patient and forgiving enough todeal with Q’s feather-ruffling bullshit and would generally be a calminginfluence on him I think, and if you take lifespan disparity into account thisis probably the least depressing ship for either of them.

[sapphicscholar]

Letter 25

January 25, 2012, 11:44pm

Hi Alex,

No need to apologize, really. It’s not like, I don’t know, you don’t owe me anything, obviously. But it is good to know you’re alive, if quite busy. And thanks for trusting me? That seems like maybe the wrong word. I don’t know, I don’t think trust is a thing I can just claim to have and then have it. Does that make sense? I’m gonna apologize in advance and blame this letter not on table wine, but on negroni. They taste…strong. And a little more bitter than I like. But it’s doing its job. Because you were open, and I should be too.

First of all, asking the big existential questions is great. I mean, it sucks while it’s happening, but those are all so important. And it’s so great that you’re not just going to be one of those people that thinks the first decision they made is the best one and they should stick with it forever and ever. How are you feeling now? I hope a little better?

I’m so sorry for bringing up your dad a lot in earlier letters. If I had realized, I wouldn’t have phrased things the way I think I remember doing it. It sounds like you two meant a lot to each other, and I’m sure he’d be so proud of you, Alex. I know that things feel overwhelming, but I believe in you. God, I believe that you could literally do anything you set your mind to. I looked up some of your research, you know? Back when you first mentioned it. And I know that a lot of what you do probably can’t be published or whatever, but the stuff out there about you—it’s all really fucking impressive. And I can’t imagine anyone out there who wouldn’t be proud of you for all that you’ve accomplished. Feeling like, like it’s hard or overwhelming—tht just makes you human. It doesn’t make you less successful or anything.

No, it’s not a thing that goes away. It’s a pain that you just live with. But, I mean, I can’t dictate your life or anything, but feeling okay and not constantly grieving—it doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re betraying the people who aren’t there. It’s good that you’re still living. Because you are. You’re alive, and you shouldn’t be mad at yourself for it. But also, you’re allowed to hurt and break apart a little bit. I get wanting to be strong and all, and obviously death impacts everyone in a person’s life, but there’s no rule that says that you’re the one who has to shoulder everything, you know? Your mom and your sister—they’re their own people. And you deserve the time and space to process things on your own without trying to be the support for everyone else first. Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.

I, uh, I haven’t been 100% honest with you along the way either. I didn’t lie! Not really. I just…well, once you said something in a letter. Hold on, I’m gonna go find it.

Okay, I have it now. And another drink. I think the negroni is growing on me. You said, “Your family must miss you!” They don’t. I mean, maybe they do now, but they miss the person they wanted me to be, not me-me. And so, you talked about the pain of losing family. And I get it. I, uh, I lost my family when I came out. I went to go l ive with my aunt. And she was great and all, and I so don’t want to make it sound like I lived some deprived childhood, but she really wasn’t old enough to have a 14 year old responsibility thrust on her just because she was the only one who didn’t think I was some horrible fuckign disgrace to the whole family. And it’s different, I know. Because my family is still alive. I think. I mean, we don’t talk. But I google them sometimes just to see if anything pops up. I don’t really know how I’m going to feel when something finally does. But they’ve made it quite clear they want nothing to do with me and my “lifestyle.” And sometimes I feel guilty because, right, they still raised me for the first 14 years, even if they decided I was shit out of luck after that. But I shouldn’t have to be the one to change, you know? And then I feel guilty because I’m still holding onto this anger. But it’s my right. It was fucked up, and no, it’s not something I dwell on every day, but it…it fucked me up a little, you know? How could it not? I don’t know. I’m pretty much over it. That’s not true either. But I don’t think about it all the time. And that’s probably good. Anyhow, you don’t have to say anything back. It’s a weird thing. Because what do you even say? Like, sorry. Well nah, you didn’t fuckin do it. They did.

Don’t worry about it. I’m happy to be there for you. Everyone needs someone in their corner, even���no, especially, when it feels like maybe you don’t deserve someone there in the moment.

In a last ditch attempt to make this letter suck less, have this paragraph I wrote earlier in case you decided you still had time for me: Yet again! Box of sweets! Signed only, “La Befana!” This time it was a tiny little assortment of marzipan fruits. Have you ever had marzipan? I know the taste isn’t for everyone. When I was little, I always let mine go bad because they looked so pretty and delicate, and it seemed like I was going to ruin it if I ate it. I’m still pacing myself, so I only had one—a little pear that was colored just perfectly. I’ll save the rest for later.

Maggie

[ashilrak]

“I’m not wearing that.” Lams

John should have known that coming home was a bad idea, shouldn’t have been so blind and hopeful to think that Henry Laurens had changed enough to allow him any ounce of happiness.

Henry was with him, knowing better than to trust any one else to handle John. “Jackie, you need to get dressed. There’s still an hour, but we need to figure out something with that hair of yours. I really would rather you keep it short.”

“No,” John said, shaking his head. His arms were crossed over his chest, and he had no plans on moving from his seat on the foot of the bed. “I’m not wearing that, and my hair is perfectly fine as is. Alex likes it long.”

Henry closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “Fine, keep your hair as it is.” Henry turned around and lifted the hanger from where it was hanging on the door. “But you are getting dressed. No son of mine is showing up to his wedding day looking anything less than his best.”

John swallowed. His hands were squeezed into fists, tucked into his arms. “I’d rather be no son of yours than go through with this farce.”

“It’s not a farce!” Henry’s face was red. “It’s a marriage. I told you what would happen if you didn’t listen to me, and now it’s happening. You have no one to blame but yourself, Jackie.”

He shook his head. “Even if I go along with this, even if I get dressed and appear the perfect son, it’s not happening. There is nothing you can do to get me to say the words.”

“Boy,” Henry said, stepping closer. “You are going to marry Miss Manning. That girl has the entire world thinking you’re in love with her, and it simply wouldn’t do to break Miss Manning’s heart, now, would it?”

“Do you think I care?” John’s asked, eyes narrowing. “It’s a lie, it’s all a lie!” He stood up, walking forward, moving his hands to run them through his hair. He turned to Henry and said, “I will change my name and run away to Africa if it means you get the fuck out of my life!”

“Watch the way you speak to me, boy!” Henry got in his face. “You will do no such thing. You are going to go into that bathroom over there, wash your face off with cold water, and get dressed. And then, we’re going to go over to the church and welcome the newest member of the family.”

John breathed in deep. “Why?” he asked. “Even back when I was still your perfect son, back when you thought I was studying polisci, thought I was gonna go to law school and follow in your footsteps, there was one thing you always told me. One thing I let myself cling onto.”

Henry shook his head and said, “I know. I told you how much I loved your mother, I showed you the pain it caused me when she died.” 

“And what else did you say? What else did you tell me?”

“I told you that none of the hardships life brought you mattered when you had someone you loved at your said.”

John nodded and took in another deep breath. He looked Henry in the eye and asked, “then why are you taking that away from me? Why now? What changed?”

“You’re lying to yourself, first of all. That boy of yours is nothing more than rebellion, Jackie. He doesn’t belong here,” Henry whispered, waving a hand around. “This isn’t his world. He’s not you.”

John could feel the angry tears burning at the corners of his eyes, and he knew his face was red. “And this girl I’ve never met before in my life is?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” John asked.

Henry looked to the side and ran a hand over his slicked back hair. “Because she’s pregnant, Jackie, and everyone thinks it’s yours.”  

“No,” John said, backing away. “She lying! You know she’s lying!”

Henry sighed. “I know.”

“Then why are you making me do this?!” John’s voice was loud, filling the room, harsh with emotion. “What have I done to deserve this?”

“It has to be done, Jackie.” Henry looked at him, face blank, eyes sharp. “It could ruin us, you know. She’s told me she’s more than willing to make a scandal of it, she told me she could just as easily tell the news it was mine.”

John’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He ignored it and said, “oh my god. You’re sacrificing your son’s happiness for your reputation.”

Henry turned around, back to John, hands clasped behind his back. “It needs to be done.” Henry took a step forward. “I expect to see you downstairs in twenty minutes.”

The door closed behind Henry, and for the first time in a long time, John felt helpless. His phone vibrated in his pocket again. He pulled it out and saw a string of missed texts from Alex.

From: Alex To: John Laurens

hey babe is everything going alright?

From: Alex To: John Laurens

your room is the front right corner on the second floor right

From: Alex To: John Laurens

open ur fuckign window

John shoved his phone back in his pocket and went to his window, disbelief building in his chest as he unlocked it. He pushed it open, and couldn’t have stopped the laughter if he had tried.

Alex was standing there, smiling wide, a rope hanging over his shoulders. 

John leaned forward and shouted down, “what are you doing here? You can’t be here.”

“I”m rescuing you, of course.” Alex looked to the driveway. “I have the badass motorcycle and everything.”

“Oh my god,” John closed his eyes and shook his head. “You’re serious.”

“As a heart attack.” Alex unfurled the rope and started to swing it. “Now, come on, we’ll have to hurry. I see people downstairs.”

[inacciaio-archive]

underworld blood wars descriptive audio notes (spoiler warning, do not read if you haven’t seen the film)

So, if you can’t tell, I’m very analytical, especially when it comes to the characters I portray. I have about five books talking about Ann and for Semira, not only did I watch the movie a bunch of times, twice in theaters, I’ve now bought the dvd and am doing an analytical study of both English captioning sets, as well as a study of the descriptive audio just to see if I can learn anything from it that I missed. (Edit after watching: Oh yeah, there were so many things the descriptive audio pointed out to me and I was thrilled to notice them.)

“David slumps against the truck” legit made me giggle way harder than it should’ve. 

Varga snaps and motions a group of vampries aside. (you go varga)

A regal looking vampire steps out from behind a desk. (mm hm regal af)

In a tunnel. (this line came out of nowhere and I wasn’t expecting it and again I laughed. And thought of that ‘dig a tunnel dig dig a tunnel’ song)

Semira gives Thomas a look. (hey hey hey my plan worked *winks* thanks for going along with it, thomas)

Wearing an elegant black dress, Semira motions for them to stop. (okay the audio describes no one else’s clothing but Semira’s.)

Cassius scowls. (again a line that made me laugh. waiting for more “Cassius scowls.” through the whole movie.)

In her office, Semira stands in front of a mirror. She stares off thoughtfully as Varga strokes her back.

Shirtless, Varga wraps her arms around her waist. (Narrator is getting into it yo)

She runs a hand up his cheek and through his hair. Semira guides him onto his knees in front of her. 

Staring off, Semira takes wavering breaths. ( totally didn’t describe the part where Varga’s head was up her skirt but okay. Guess the blind have to come to their own conclusions when it comes to Varga using his mouth or his hands or even some other kinky shit while down on his knees.)

Semira strokes the paralyzed vampire’s forehead then walks away. (more on my thoughts of this action another time)

Semira enters and David raises his gun. (At this point, something happened that I hadn’t noticed before: Thomas says no and gestures David to put the gun down. Despite what he knows now about what Semira has done, he still doesn’t want her to be shot. He pulls out his sword but it seems his intention is to only distract her, not kill her. )

Thomas attacks, kicking Semira away. (Again, not really a move of being lethal, a move of trying to get her away or to weaken at most.)

Thomas strikes Varga in the face, knocking him back. (Even to Varga, he makes no move to stab at Varga, he just knocks him out and gets him out of the way. It seems he planned to do the same with Semira.)

He brings his blade to Semira’s throat. (Again, he makes no actual move to slice it. She has her sword away from his, it would only take a second to slice her throat with the position he’s holding her in. It’s clear he wants her to stand down, unknowing that Semira would actually make a move to kill him.)

Semira stabs Thomas in the gut. (This happens when he’s holding her sword hand and restraining it, though he must’ve missed the second sword she had sheathed away. She pulls it out  quickly and he seems genuinely shocked when he’s stabbed. He’s not dead yet in this moment.)

She stabs him again in the back, blood pours from his mouth. (He dies with a true look of surprise on his face. It really seems that Thomas had no intention of killing Semira, and that he hadn’t thought she would try killing him either. They were close friends. But as I spoke of in my meta, she had a choice to make, she could have one not both, and she chose her plan over her friend.)

Semira and Varga stare after them. Semira recoils from sunlight, then grins wickedly. 

In an armory, Semira addresses the council members. The round-eyed vampire, and others. (who the fuck is the round-eyed vampire. maybe alexia?)

Semira drops blood in a glass container of water, watching it permeate. Varga stands behind her. The water turns green. (Another thing I didn’t notice despite my countless times watching this film. So apparently blood mixed with nightshade placed into water will turn the water and blood green. Good to know.)

Alexia leaves the security room where two humans lie dead in their chairs. (OOOOOH ALEXIA, DAMN. I never noticed this part of the film either. Alexia, not only are you committing treason by siding with the lycans, you also committed treason by killing humans, another huge no no. Not even Semira kills humans in this movie. Yeah, Semira commits treason in other ways but even she knows humans are strictly off limits.)

In her office at the castle, Semira takes off the lid of a large crystal goblet containing blood, then picks it up. Wearing a faint smirk, she walks towards the center of the room. 

(I fucking love this description) Varga watches as she slowly lifts the goblet to her lips. Blood spills down the front of Semira as she drinks. (Suggesting that she’s unlike herself in this moment; usually she fights without getting a single drop of blood on her, unlike most other combatants in this film, but in this moment she’s so focused on drinking the blood and gaining it’s power that she doesn’t even notice the blood spilling down her front.) She drops the crystal goblet. Semira’s veins darken beneath her pale skin as the blood courses through her body. The veins gradually disappear and her lips curl into a smile. Varga looks on tensely.

Later, Alexia kneels before Semira in her office.

Semira brings a hand to Alexia’s chin, gently guiding her to her feet. (also Alexia’s face is just oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit)

Semira leans in and kisses her on the lips. Alexia stares fearfully. 

Blood pours from a slit in Alexia’s throat. Semira walks away. Grasping her neck, Alexia drops to her knees, falls over, lying in a pool of her own blood. 

Semira and Varga signal and death dealers aim guns. 

He takes out a tiny metal vial. He hands the orb back to the vampire who distributes a vial to each council member. Cassius sniffs it then eyes David with surprise. (why did I fucking laugh hearing the narrator casually say “Cassius sniffs it”)

David watches as Cassius pours blood from the vial onto his tongue. Each council member follows suit. They wear stunned expressions. (Narrator left out how one was offered to Semira but she didn’t take it. Yet again, blind people have to come to their own conclusions about whether or not Semira took one, or was even offered one.)

Varga stands still, Semira eyes him. (ooo she’s like wtf varga I told you to kill him, fuckign listen) Varga points his gun at Semira.

David strides away, Semira gets detained. 

Two death dealers lead Semira to her room. Looking up, she spots swords on display. (oh such a bad mistake they made)

A council member gets taken out. (welp one of them is officially dead)

Elsewhere two death dealers lie dead. (everyone saw that coming.) Semira stands nearby, gazing at her reflection in a mirror. She holds a sword. 

(And now, a play-by-play of Semira and David’s fight)

Semira attacks David but he ducks her swing. They move down a hallway, clashing swords. David slams Semira’s head into a wall. She makes a leaping kick, sending him through her office doors and onto his back. David gets to his feet and disarms Semira and throws her across the room. Semira takes a halberd (a battle axe) from a display. She uses the long weapon to disarm David, then stabs him in the chest. A vein shimmers on her arm as she pins David to a wall. She pulls out the halberd and then he falls to the floor. David breaks her weapon in half and slashes at her with it’s bladed tip. Semira takes the blade back and nearly hits him. David strikes her. 

Elsewhere, Semira knocks David down, then flips over him, flinging him against the wall. David throws two knives, but she catches them in mid-air. David kicks a sword into his hand and attacks. She misses a jab and David slams her head into a mirror. She stabs him in the thigh and kicks him onto his back. He lays on the floor, coughing blood. (ah how she would’ve won if she hadn’t allowed herself to be distracted)

David pulls the knife from his leg and throws it into the control panel on the wall. The window shutter rises and sunlight bathes Semira. She basks in it, unharmed. 

David stabs her through the mouth. Semira collapses and David walks off with his sword in hand. 

[houseofkooks]

WINGS IN NEWARK <3

OK SO TODAY WAS THE BTS CONCERT YES TODAY WAS D DAY THIS WAS IT THIS WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY FUCKIGN LIFE AND OMG OMOGMOGMOMG I HAVE SO MANY FUKING FEELS RIGHT NOW I MUST WRITE OK SO 

first of all the pre-concert period was a shitshow ok bt SO WORTH IT FASTFORWARD OK SO

ok when we first sat down it was just like so overwhelming and beautiful to see so many people who love bts sitting together in the same space

spring day mv was playing and everyone was singing along and it was so beautiful

and then the intro started to play and it was just the boys and honestly i don’t really remember what it’s about now i just know i teared up rly bad because i was sosososoososso EMO. like thankful i think? to be able to stand there and to be able to actually see the boys up close

lke i was just so overwhelmed fjljalgkjLKJDFKA and then they came out like they actually appeared behind the screen and then omg all hell broke loose like ya girl and everyone else did not understand the meaning of chill and self control ok. NOT TODAY was first and it was so fucking lit and my first impression was that omg. THEY WERE! CLOSE!!!!!!!

SO CLOSE I COULD SEE JUNGKOOK’S THIGH MUSCLES AND I WAS LIKE OMGOGOGOGOGMOG like i felt bad for always keepign my eyes of jungkook but i just can’t NOT. pretty sure i screamed JUNGKOOOOK JUNGKOOKIEEEEEE like 5293509159 times today

but then it’s good because they also did solo songs that allowed me to really appreciate each member!!!!!!!

begin was first and lemme tell u ya girl almost lost it like legit screamed my fucking throat out “JUNGKOOK!!!!!! JUNGKOOOOOOOK MY BABYYYYY MY BAAAAABY” and he’s just so good like he was SOOO GOOD like his dancing was amazing and likeit started with him spinning on the circle and im so glad i got to watch it live because you could really feel the emotion in his voice like this song is emotional and about how he loves his hyungs so much but in the fancams, you could really just see how good the dancing is. BUT LIVE!!!!! HE IS SUCH AN EMOTIONAL SINGER I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and he did the dance so well and he’s just so perfect and beautiful and wonderful in every way

lie was next and omgOMGOMGO ok jimin killed it like he really really did. like it was just so amazing the dancing the singing. lik the dance is just good already but it was so good with the whole stage and the whole choreo and also THE BLINDFOLD!!!!!!! HE PUT ON THE BLINDFOLD like thats jst such good art directing? choreo? idk it’s just like IMPACT ok it was so great

i dont rly remember who’s next

i think they did group songs and then it was yoongi’s?

the yoongi solo was soo. EMOTIONAL. I SWEAR OMG I LOVE THE ORCHESTRA AND THE FACT THAT HE WAS SITTING IN FRONT OF A PIANO SINGING HIS LOVE FOR PIANO AND MUSIC AND THE WHOLE PERFORMANCE. FDJSAKGJ;LAKJGLKAJ ; like honestly it’s oen of my favorite songs from the album because it’s so well written and he does it sosososososo well like the emotion is so palpable and raw even in the track, especially the last verse. so it was so good to just hear it live and it was just that much more stunning and impactful and just SUCH AN EXPERIENCE. i love the song so much

ok and then namjoon was next and his intro really fucked me up because it took me a lil bit to realize but it’s their “road” song with the heya heya and it’s mixed with whalien 52 for a little bit and idk why but it made me so emo. like the road song is about their hard journey and how they’ll work their hardest to try to reach the end of the road and i lovelovelove how namjoon used that in his intro because i think it’s so beautiful and sobering to know that the song means a lot to him? because thinking about it, he probably was under so much pressure not only for his own success but also for his teammates and it must’ve been hard on him as a young boy who’s really just been the “smart guy” who decided to follow his dream but then ended up having to be responsible for a whole group of boys who are like family to him, and their collective success. and i love that he included whalien 52 because he wrote it and it’s still to this date one of my favorite songs because it’s so cute but sad and real at the same time, which is kinda like namjoon’s embodiment? the song fits him so well like it’s just how he’s like the lonely whale that people don’t seem to understand because he’s on his own wavelength. i’ve always felt this vibe that ofc bangtan are all close but namjoon’s thoughts are so deep and abstract and mature sometimes that the rest of the boys don’t relate very well? like lol especially the maknae line BUT OK ANYWAY I DIGRESS. i really appreciated namjoon’s song because it was like a nice chill break which is what it was like in the album too. BUT MY FAVE PART OFC IS WHEN AT THE END HE KEEPS REPEATING “I WISH I COULD LOVE MYSELF” AND EVERYONE REPEATED TO HIM, “WE LOVE YOU” omg i’m getting emo just typign this out i really really wanna see how he reacted when he first heard it. omg ok anyway the end IT WS GREAT

taetae was next and omg his high notes were literally like wowowowowowoww like wow i’m so proud of him but TBH i couldn’t really hear bc the screams were unreal during his high notes BUT STILL HIS STAGE PRESENCE WAS GR8 and like idk it was just so good and he was so passionate and im so proud of him for all those high notes and also CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT HOW. CUTE. HE IS. LIKE HE’S LITERALLY SOSOSOSOSOS HANDSOME LIKE HE’S SO BEAUTIFUL. ALSO HE KEPT COMING OVER TO OUR SIDE AND SMILING AT US AND I’M NOT SURE WHETHER HE SAW US BUT IT ALMOST LOOKED LIKE WE MADE EYE CONTACT?!?!?!?!?! IDK?!?!?!?!?! BUT OK ANYWAY IT WAS GR8 HE WAS SO GREAT 

OMG im falling asleep ok i’ll quickly write the rest

BUT OMG OK HOBI’S WAS SO GOOD. LITERALLY. MAMA WAS EASILY THE BEST PERFORMANCE OUT OF ALL THE SOLOS AND I’M NOT EVEN A HOBI STAN LIKE OMG?!?!?!!! it was just so energetic and upbeat and exciting at first but then there’s all these pictures of hobi from when he was little and they were the cuuuutest. but also!! then there’s this part where he pauses everything and it’s just him sing-rapping and it was just so EMOTIONAL AND TUGGED AT MY HEARTSTRINGS AND JUST SO POWERFUL AND MEANINGFUL like you could really tell he was singing with his whole heart for his mom and it was just the best THE BEST LEMME TELL U ok moving on im fallin asleep

JIN yes ok it was just good bc his song is good and i don’t really remember but i made sure to scream loud yes good ok moving on WAI TIT’S SO SHORT UGHHGHGHGH ok anyway not the point

THE POINT IS!!!!!!!!!

namjoon is the best i love him so much like during the ment he was talking aobut the rainbow army and then he said that he thinks music transcends anything like language and race and he said “i don’t care if you’re red or blue or orange (referring to the balloon colors” and i thought that was so clever because it was like a metaphor for real life races and i think it’s so fitting given the current political climate in the us and i’m so proud of him for bringing this up!!!!!! also the part where everyone sang together and they all thanked us and i was just like TTTTTTTTT bc I REALLY WANT TO THANK THEM because namjoon was like, as long as we love each other, you’ll never walk alone and YOU KNOW WHAT. IT’S TRUE. IT’S SOSOSOSOSO TRUE. at one of the concert i just looked at them and got emo because no matter what happens in life next, no matter how sad or angry or frustrated or disappointed or tired i get, they’ll always be there to cheer me up. i’m so happy that i foudn them and that i love them so much because it’s so nice to have them with me :) they always make me laugh and i respect them so much. what i confirmed today is that they really are so sososos hardworking and sososos talented and definitely deserving of all the love they receive. i’m so proud of where they are now. I REALLY AM. during 2,3 there was a video of just their growth from the beginning and it made me SO EMO OK. like i haven’t been a fan since the beginning and i wish i have but the fact that they made it from being a literal NUGU to being so so big that they filled up prudential center. they’re SO GOOD LIVE. aside from talent, they’ve also improved so much and that just shows how hard they work. i’m so appreciative of their hard work and the fact that they were able to make it this big because of their hardwork and talent. they really are an amazing group of individuals!!!!!! like such a wonderful group of boys that are incredibly talented but also have such big kind hearts and are so funny and entertaining but also relatable and down to earth and friendly and inspirational. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FJDKLAJG;KJ!!!!!!!! so yes the whole time i was just marveling at the fact that they’re thanking us when I WANT TO THANK THEM SO MUCH. i know it sounds stupid but they really do encourage me and make life better for me fjsklajg I LOVE THEM. 

ok quick ranking after the show

1. jungkook bc how can i ever leave him i am already committed for life like i wanted him to f me in the closet after the concert ok. like i just love him so much there’s no contest 

2. namjoon still because he’s literally PERFECT so talented so deep so beautiful so smart so inspirational like he’d be the perfect boyfriend to talk to my worries with and he’s also really cute and funny and dorky and he just makes me laugh MY BABS

2.5. NOW --> hoseok HIS STAGE PRESENCE IS LITERALY NO. JOKE. he was sososos good during boy meets evil also and like he just COMMANDS THE STAGE and he enjoys it so much and i love him he’s so happy and so easily excitable and also such a sweetheart like there are videos of him picking up pokemon plushies on the stage and then he also noticed jre and pointed at him like he’s SO DOWN TO EARTH AND FRIENDLY AND RELATABLE AND JUST SUCH A CUTIE i luv him

3. FOR NOW --> JIMIN wow wat a surprise but he’s LITERALLY SO CUTE LIKE OK HE LITERALLY WALKED IN FRNT OF US?!??!! LIKE HE WAS SO CLOSE I COULD ALMOST TOUCH HIM!?!? AND HE WAS JUST SO CUTE!!! LIKE SO. CUTE. i’ve been reading posts about how he looks scary and intimidating like cold city man in “real life” BUT HE’S SO CUTE. HE’S SO CUDDLY AND SMILEY AND JUST SO CUTE LIKE HE RADIATES SOFTNESS nd he was so close to us and he waved at us and he’s so nice i luv him also ALSO his dancing is seriously so good like every time someone’s dance move catches my eye i’m like ooh who’s that and it would turn out to be jimin LIKE WOW FDJALKGJ; he really is so good at dancing

3.2. FOR NOW --> TAETAE!!!!!! HE’S SO CUTE HE’S SO CUTE HE LOOKED OVER TO US SO MANY TIMES TODAY AND HE’S JUST LITERAL FANSERVICE KING LIKE I DON’T REALLY WATCH HIS FANCAMS BUT HE’S LITERALLY always ALWAYS interacting with the audience and he’s so cute and he keeps winking or giving out hearts or just watching the audience and it’s just soft and nice and beautiful and it makes me feel important and loved and i love LOVE KTH HE’S SUCH A SOFT SMOL BALL like i love how he really does make an effort to make the fans feel loved and important <3 3 <3

4. yoongi!!!!!!!! yoongi is always good his performance is always ON FIYAHHHHHHH but i didn’t really get the chance to watch him closely LOLOL but i love him as always

5. mama jin my dearest oppa he’s so cute and has the cutest personality and is so funny so he really shines through in vlive or bombs or whatever and i always love him always but i think he gets shadowed over during concerts :(( bc he doesn’t have a lotta parts? and he doesn’t really have like the best stage presence (lolol i find it kinda funny that he frowns so much when he sings fjdkfljalkjg) BUT I REALLY DO LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM A LOT FJDKLAJ;GLK I LOVE ALL OF THEM

conclusion: i love bangtan so much i love every single one of them i am so thankful they are in my life and i can’t wait to continue stanning them forever because WE NEVER WALK ALONE and i can’t wait to see grow bigger and better so i can keep attending more and more concerts fjdksajglk I LOVE BTS BANGTAN SONYEONDAN I LOVE! KIM NAMJOON! KIM SEOKJIN! MIN YOONGI! JUNG HOSEOK! PARK JIMIN! KIM TAEHYUNG! JEON JUNGKOOK! BTS!!!!!!!!!!!!