#and every time i finish a wot book that is my personal best of that week

[dropoff99]

—On WoT fandom disagreements and such—

Been reading WoT since 1998. For most of my life it was THE fantasy series as far as I was concerned and still is in many ways. The world and the characters were simply deeper and more realized than anything I was reading. The roster of fantastic characters, scale, the magic system, masterful use of multiple POVs, metaphysics, and general lore Jordan created pulled me in and wouldn’t let me go.

I stilI have visceral memories of the time around RJ’s death, distinctly feeling like nothing resembling a proper ending was going to come to what I felt like was the best fantasy series around . Very few other fantasy authors prior to his passing were eager to cite Jordan in tones of reverence. If anything many “serious” fantasy fans were embarrassed to admit they loved the infamously long series which was the peak of the genre once but had more or less stalled out. Knife of Dreams was amazing to me personally but with RJ’s death and the slog prior you couldn’t argue that a satisfying ending was on the horizon. Fantasy authors like George RR Martin (despite being a friend of RJ’s and WoT definitely influencing both his work and success) constantly railed against many of the tropes of the genre (Chosen ones, Tolkien imitation, lack of moral ambiguity, plot armor, etc.) that Jordan reimagined/leaned into early on. It also didn’t help that Martin didn’t exactly argue when people made critiques of WoT in front of him either (like the famous Stephen King interview he did much later). This wouldn’t really matter if these sentiments were not so common among fantasy readers when Sanderson hopped on board. What was clear to me very early on after reading TGS was that not only was Sanderson a fan but he clearly understood the gravity of finishing the series and the care/respect he had for both the community and Jordan’s legacy was evident. I never had the feeling that it was an outsider coming in who just didn’t “get” the wheel of time. Secondly what Brandon did very well is communicate what was special about the series as a whole to new readers.

I have my issues just like anyone else but I genuinely have enormous respect for the work that both Team Jordan and Sanderson did under circumstances that were obviously not ideal. I can see the arguments regarding Sanderson’s religious/political overtones entering his other works but certainly not Wheel of Time. Yeah he didn’t completely overhaul every institution Jordan created and had to resort to quicker solutions. I’m also not going feign any sort of religiosity or be his apologetic in that regard and consider it to be the thing I like least about Stormlight. His worldview/biases of course will remain (just like Jordan’s). However I really don’t think you can deny he was an enormous fan who had genuine love and respect for both the series and Jordan himself. The fact that Harriet (Jim’s widow and long time editor) picked him based on his work and eulogy mean a lot to me. The reverence with which Harriet still seems to hold for BS and the job he and Team Jordan did seems to indicate that at the very least the people closest to the work and previous author felt that the promise of Jordan’s vision was delivered as best as could be expected.

I’m not someone who is without criticisms for BS. I envisioned the direction of Mat, Padan Fain, Perrin, Logain, Nyanaeve and several others very differently after reading the story well over a decade by that point. I missed Jordan’s unique style on character perspective and gift for painting a visual I could walk into mentally. But I also think in retrospect Sanderson was the perfect choice outside RJ to do the job. Some of his weaknesses at the time (barreling through plot, lack of rich setting, hasty exposition etc.) actually worked in his favor as he converged gigantic swathes of character arcs which still required three massive books. I respect those who think Sanderson’s choices were bad. And if you really hate the guy based on political/religious views go off I guess. I just don’t see how claiming he doesn’t respect Robert Jordan or his legacy holds any water at all. Or at the very least, as someone who’s been paying attention to the community my entire adolescent+adult life, I have not seen compelling evidence for that to be the case.

[markantonys]

time for my end-of-tfoh post!! this one is LONG but i just had so many thoughts on the last few chapters

i LOVE nynaeve nerding out over healing and elayne over making angreal. they are so cute and powerful!! it’s nice especially to see elayne develop her Thing™ the way nynaeve has healing and egwene dreaming

min and elayne reunion! interesting to finally see 2 of rand’s gfs acknowledge to each other that they both like him. and good for them for not wanting it to affect their friendship and for trying to make the best of it, though elayne is understandably less than thrilled at the prospect of sharing rand (when as far as she knows she’s still the only one of the 3 who’s had any sort of actual relationship with him)

“i saw that you’d fall in love with him, i don’t know what he feels for you” wow min no need to make elayne feel more insecure than she already does. min is just not buttering my bread this book i have to say.

“who was the third woman? aviendha had better be keeping a close eye on him” that’s some delicious dramatic irony and my first reaction was to laugh, but also, it really hits home how scummy it was that aviendha and rand slept together. like, elayne has put so much trust in her! at least aviendha is very aware of the wrong done and plans to make amends for it, from her mention of having toh to elayne now. and elayne’s conflicting letters give rand juuuuust enough plausible deniability regarding her feelings and intentions towards him that it MAYBE doesn’t count as cheating. still, doesn’t sit right with me and my elayne-loving heart.

back to cairhien. poor rand, he’s got so many problems, and to top it all off everyone in cairhien (still) wants to fuck him. the show better have some cairhienin lords as well as ladies thirsting over rand or else it’s a coward

“moiraine smiled. ‘you learn quickly. you will do well.’ for a moment she looked almost fond.” MOMRAINE 😭

“[mat’s] green coat hung open, and his shirt was half unlaced, exposing the silver foxhead dangling on his sweaty chest” someone get rand a glass of water, he’s thirsty

rand intentionally letting mat be scared by the 3 aes sedai (well 2+aviendha) to make him more susceptible to what rand needs to order him to do 🗡️💔 1x06 rand “pulls a sword on moiraine to protect mat from her” al’thor would be horrified. oh it hurts to see who my sunshine boy is being forced to become

mat insulting elayne and in the same breath saying he’s glad she’s not here to hear the news of morgase’s death. matlayne rights!

i never believed even for a moment that she was really dead, but rand’s guilt over it hurts!!

mat straightaway advocating for finding elayne and putting her on the throne. matlayne rights!

“i will see you tonight or i will see you dead” rand you can’t just summon asmodean for a bootycall right in front of your girlfriend and your boyfriend and your ex-girlfriend and your mom

“you will never choose what risks i take, rand al’thor. never. know it now.” obsessed with this line, i want it tattooed on my brain

“‘i said, shut up!’ rand drove the foxhead against mat’s chest with a hard finger.” mat internally: [chanting] top me top me top me

“the stormy meeting with rand had gone on till the sun set” i wonder what happened in mat and rand’s fade-to-black stormy meeting that lasted until sunset 👀

melindhra is evil [pretends to be shocked] (i’d already been spoiled on it but i’m certain i would’ve been able to guess even if i hadn’t) poor mat is so traumatized from having to kill her :((((

“i am the car’a’carn, remember.” “you have shaving lather on your ear, rand al’thor.” they are so married

aviendha defending her brother-husband when asmodean suggests that mat killing melindhra is the reason the maidens are mad 🥰

“amazingly, [moiraine] gave mat a warm smile” MOMRAINE

“you have changed from the boy i first saw outside the winespring inn” MOMRAINE

lanfear really said If I Can’t Have Him No One Can

“he could end it. only, he could not. he was going to die, perhaps the world would die, but he could not make himself kill another woman.” interrupting my bullet list because only a picture can express my feelings about this:

thank god moiraine has a braincell and yeets lanfear through the ter’angreal

i’m 100% confident that moiraine is fine. no body no death! and i’ve heard about things she does that have not happened yet therefore she’s still alive

lan and rand’s reactions though 😭😭 but please lan, i know you’re Going Through It but please don’t give rand your terrible “you and i bring nothing but pain to the people we love, you should push everyone away” relationship advice as your parting words, the boy is emotionally fucked up enough already

moiraine’s letter to rand 😭😭😭 MOMRAINE!! and rand crying 😭😭😭😭

sulin’s verbal ear-boxing to rand over his dumb hangups over women in battle was much needed, but sadly it didn’t really change his opinion, only convinced him there was no point arguing with the maidens. rand’s concern for the maidens and valuing their safety over the other societies’ would be so touching if it came from a place of them being his Family and the aiel he’s closest to instead of just being because they’re women

“i thought maybe they were going to go in one at a time and kiss you out of your miseries” mat you’re projecting, i know you’re the one who wanted to go in and kiss rand out of his miseries

mat saying “i like canoodling as much as the next man but don’t you think there are a few too many people watching” when rand and aviendha are having a Moment jdkfjg he really said “are you serious? right in front of my salad?” and this from mat of all people who you would think wouldn’t give a shit about other people’s pda. he’s totally jealous

there are some sort of matrandlayne rights here in the fact that mat and rand are breaking into elayne’s palace together the same way they both did separately in the past

“now i find i truly like the sight of you on your knees” moghedien that’s gay

“nynaeve took hold of the silvery leash where it joined the collar and pulled the forsaken’s face close to hers” nynaeve that’s gay

fat little man angreal my beloved. if rand ever loses that little guy i’ll be devastated.

so rand can enter tel’aran’rhiod without a ter’angreal? and i believe mat will eventually reunite with elayne and nynaeve who have ter’angreals that can be used even by someone who can’t channel. are you thinking long-distance cauthor because i’m thinking long-distance cauthor! no i don’t care if nynaeve says rand loses part of himself by entering tel’aran’rhiod this way, how else is he supposed to call his boyfriend, nynaeve?

i was so convinced rand was gaslighting me when he kept insisting he’d entered tel’aran’rhiod back in tear because i had 0 memory of any such thing, but as i was typing out my complaint i remembered that must’ve been what he did in his final battle with ishamael lmao fuck man too much Stuff happens in these books, my memory cannot possibly retain it all. also that battle with ishamael was confusing as hell to me and i don’t think i realized that entering tel’aran’rhiod was what had happened, i was just kinda like “all right rand left this plane of existence somehow, cool, moving on”

nynaeve and rand’s reunion healed and hurt me at the same time. they’ve both changed so much since they last saw each other 😭😭

i already made a post weeping over rand reuniting with not-dead aviendha and mat but i simply must reiterate how much it made my heart swell!!!!!

also, certain book readers were seriously complaining about nynaeve’s “fakeout death” at the end of 1x08 when the entire ending of tfoh is the way that it is LMAOOOO possibly the best example yet of “turns out things book readers criticized the show for were already present in the books but so much worse” (not that i’m bothered by fakeout deaths personally, if i had it my way no characters i like would die ever) (the other biggest example is certain readers saying that the relationship drama in the show was petty and immature. how someone could say that with a straight face after reading the way LITERALLY EVERY RELATIONSHIP IN THE WHOLE BOOK SERIES is written is beyond me)

rand protectively watching over mat and aviendha chatting by the fountain together ❤️❤️❤️ randwich rights!

rand granting amnesty to male channelers and deciding to start a lil school! this is going to be a fun plotline

ASMODEAN!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

oh asmodean we barely knew ye. gone far too soon. rip king. i’m genuinely so pissed off about this actually, there is so much wasted potential!! he had the potential to be SUCH a fascinating character with SUCH a fascinating relationship with rand, but it was barely explored. URGH!!! curious to know who killed him tho, you would assume it was another forsaken but that almost seems too obvious............

[trollocks-in-my-bollocks]

Loved your fanfic! Baby Moiraine is adorable. Any wot recs?

Thanks for asking and sorry for answering this a bit late. I wanted to write a rec anyway, so anon, your timing’s excellent! There are a few things, however, I need to clear up first: I’m not suggesting here, that these are the best fics ever written in the fandom, this is not a hall of fame. This is a collection of my comfort fics as a reader who loves to read intricate and unlikely AUs about Siuan/Moiraine and plotless stories about That weird thing Lan and Moiraine have. I’m 100% sure there are great fics out there about Rand&Mat and the Polycule(tm), it’s not a judgement of value that I’m leaving stuff out. 

Also before the rec, psst here’s my wishlist of the things I’d love to see on AO3: the “How I met your Greenman” story, outtakes from Birgitte’s lives, an entire story from Aviendha’s POV. If you’ve read anything similar, hmu pls (I mean I was desperate enough to write a Birgitte story recently, rip.)

An incomplete list of fics I adore (might write a 2nd part):

Their Dinners by aptasi (T)

A truly in-character piece about Lan and Moiraine: there is no dialogue, they are just having dinner in complete silence and that’s the entire plot. Such a brilliant story, I’d say this is my favourite but aptasi has tons of gutting short stories  and I’m not able to just choose one. aptasi also writes amazing  Rand & Moiraine dialogues, the kind that leaves you staring out of the foggy window, rethinking your ways.

echoes of her dynasty by alittlelesspain (E) There are so many things in this fanfic I still think about every once in a while, just to list a few of them:

- Alric has an actual personality in this story?? he’s the saltiest ace/aro Warder and I absolutely loved how being someone on the grayscale was not depicted as being innocent or clueless about stuff, but “When she looked up, Moiraine was staring at her, not the puzzle. “Oh,” said Alric in a voice of revelation, when Siuan got back to the inn that night, puzzle dangling uselessly from her hand, and brain equally useless to holding any sort of sensible conversation with him. “I understand now. She’s equally pathetic.”

- most of the story is from Siuan’s POV which is a relatively rare thing and it was so amazing to stay in her mind for a while. Technically this story is a Very Reluctant Sun Queen AU where Moiraine re-builds Cairhien with her Dream Team (Siuan, Alric, Lan and Bukama) instead of becoming Aes Sedai. There are also heavy Beauty and the Beast undertones, as the story starts with Siuan encountering the last surviving Damodred lurking in the Royal Library with her stone faced Borderlander bbf

- a battle is won because Siuan loves to chat with Ogier stonemasons and re-uses a centuries-old waterway for her tactics.

- a lot of this fic is about the importance of rebuilding lost knowledge and making education more accessible. The entire thing has such a positive message while keeping the reader on their toes by staying brutally realistic at the same time. Ugh, just make a huge pot of tea and read this.

The Path of Fires and Foxes by LarraineLynch (M)

Time-travel AU from multiple POVs and I loved reading all of them. The first book of this series is already finished, it’s so intricate and masterfully woven that I don’t know how to describe this story, I just want to say that her weekly updates kept me going through a vacationless summer. What I liked best about it was 1. that instead of pitting women against each other the author lets them communicate (or for Moiraine’s part, manipulate, but we love her nonetheless) and plot against the system 2. it felt so gross to read about stilling men then leaving them to go crazy and die alone through the series and finally, this fic addresses this waste of human life and potential and creates an amazing solution.

cause for separation by fuelprices (G)

Delicious long-distance relationship angst and crack! don’t want to spoil the plot, I just want to say I love her way of writing the Siuan-Lan dynamic <3 (+check out the rest if you’re unlike me and can read some good hurt & comfort stuff rn) Fractal by aptasi (E)

Moiraine and Siuan have a debate about the metaphysical nature of time and the Wheel while having sex. I had to go for a 10k run after reading this to be able to function as a person for the rest of the day, thanks.

[mymelodyheart]

Miles Between Us Chapter 11 ~Suspicious Minds~

Picture Edit by melodyheart

Previously in The Art of Non-Communication ...

A familiar bright red Fiat slowed down next to them just as Jamie was about to get into the car, and Ian, their brother-in-law, poked his head out of the window. "Hey, lads, guess who I just saw back in town?"

The brothers looked at each other and shrugged. 

When Ian stalled, Willie blew out an impatient breath. 

"Out with it!" Willie grumbled. "I've been away from work for far too long already."

Ian grinned. "Yer pal Christie."

Jamie waved a hand in the air in dismissal and turned to open the car door, not particularly interested in hearing the latest coming and going in Broch Mordha. "I'm pretty sure the lassies will be thrilled he's back."

"Aye, ye're probably right, but I dinnae think ye'd be too pleased to hear if one particular lass is enjoying his company."

Jamie whipped around. "What do ye mean?" He sounded like someone just launched a flying rugby pass onto his stomach.

"Saw Claire and Tom through the window of Slater's Arms. Probably sitting down for late lunch."

  If you wish to read this on AO3, here is the link.

If you wish to read this from the beginning:

AO3 link

Tumblr link

 Claire hurriedly made her way to Slater's Arms to meet Tom Christie. They'd arranged earlier to meet at the pub after he'd dropped her off at the village centre to do her errands, so she was surprised to see him waiting outside. After exchanging a hurried cursory hello, he allowed him to guide her through the half-filled bar, his hand ever so lightly touching her elbow. They were greeted by a string of boisterous sallies from the locals, to which Tom good-humouredly responded with a couple of wisecracks of his own . It was becoming pretty clear they were in his local haunt and was well-liked by its patrons. But she also suspected there could be whispers going around, wondering what she was doing with him. Despite those thoughts, she kept her head up, and a smile plastered to her face.

After navigating through the narrow maze of tables and chairs, they opted for an empty space by the window, away from the bar where a heated football discussion was just about to begin. They simultaneously slid into their seats, sitting opposite each other, his lopsided grin and lax manner putting her immediately at ease. He was seemingly oblivious to the curious stares around them, but Claire paid no heed to the attention they were garnering and pushed her earlier encounter with Jenny away from her mind. This was a professional meeting, a welcome distraction even though it was proving an impossibility not to picture Jamie across from her. Suddenly missing Jamie, she allowed her thoughts to momentarily drift and wondered what he was up to.

"Hey."

Claire snapped out of her reverie. "Huh?"

"I asked if ye're hungry."

"Oh! Well, I'm not sure," she murmured, squinting at the specials scrawled on the blackboard hanging behind the bar. "Sort of, I guess."

"Sort of?" he laughed. "What kind of answer is that?" He passed her a menu. "Here. Ye ought to try their haggis tweeds. They have the best in this area."

She snorted, taking the menu card and skimming through it. "Really? I've never met a Scot who liked haggis, and yet every one of you lot I've met recommends it to non-locals."

"Aaahh," he leaned forward, propping his elbows on the table. "To be honest, I dinnae like haggis myself when cooked the traditional way. But the haggis tweeds are different ...more palatable. They're rolled into balls, breaded and deep-fried. I'm quite sure ye'll like them."

"Hmmm ..." When she glanced up from the menu, she met his thoughtful gaze. Though smiling, he had an odd expression on his face. "Wot?" She smoothed her hair, thinking it must be all over the place. She dreaded what her hair looked like after being caught in the rain earlier on. She wished now she'd tied it back before leaving the cottage. "Anything wrong?"

Tom shrugged his shoulders. "Just noticing ye dinnae look as upbeat as ye sounded on the phone the first time we talked. I was expecting ye to be more excited about selling me the idea of publishing my travel book. Ye kinda look as if something is bothering ye. Is anything the matter?"

She let out an exhale and placed the menu down. "I'm sorry. I've just had a rough day."

"Boyfriend problem?" he asked slowly.

She arched an eyebrow at him. Friendly as Tom was, Claire wasn't prepared to share any details of her personal life. "I just have a lot of things going on, and then you threw me out of the loop," she explained, not wanting to lie but not wanting to over-share either. "I was caught off-guard when you phoned earlier, and I wasn't expecting your call until, at least, sometime next week."

"Ye could've told me to meet at a later date. I wouldnae have minded."

"No! Today is fine," she assured him quickly. "I'm probably slowly weaning from the fast pace of hectic schedules in London, that at the first sign of change, I stumble a bit."

He grinned. "Weel, whatever is bothering ye, I dinnae like you looking so downcast. Maybe we can do something about it right now and tell ye a bit of good news. To cheer ye up."

"I like good news ..." she remarked, perking up, guessing he probably had a new picture or post on his blog he wanted to show.

"That's much better," he said when he caught a hint of a smile forming on her face. "As I was saying, I have a bit of good news. I've been giving your proposition a lot of thought ..." he shifted on his seat and took a deep breath. "I've decided I want to go ahead and publish my travel blog in print."

She blinked and swallowed before finding her voice. "But you haven't seen the projected sale and all the ..."

He waved a hand. "I'm quite sure after that impressive pitch over the phone, yer projected whatever and other wotnots ye wish to go over with me will be just as equally convincing. The idea is sold, and I'm on board."

"Just like that?"

He nodded his head, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "Aye. Now that I've met ye in person, I'm pretty confident ye'll make sure I'll get a fair deal for my book. I'm a good judge of character, and I trust ye'll do what's right."

"Of course."

"So it's settled."

"Well, that's ...that's fabulous," she breathed, her mind rushing in all sorts of direction.

"This calls for a celebration, don't ye think?" he smiled, waving at the waitress.

Before Claire could reply, her purse vibrated. She pointed an index finger at Tom. "Hold that thought." She opened her bag and grabbed her phone. It was her boss, John Grey.

"Oh, hi, John! I'm in the middle of ..."

"Claire, I'm sorry to dump this on you," John said rapidly in a panicky tone. "Mary Hawkins just phoned and said she expects you to pick her up at Inverness Airport."

"Wot?!? But how? Why?" She glanced at Tom and noticed a light frown lining his brows. "She hasn't been answering any of my emails. What the hell is she doing in Inverness?" She knew it wasn't professional to be discussing another author over the phone with a potential client in front of her. But it couldn't be helped. At the moment, she was far too agitated to care. Mary Hawkins, the publishing's star author, had been elusive ever since she disappeared to France, and she'd been the reason Claire had decided to take a break in Scotland only to be given another job in the form of Tom Christie. "Please don't tell me you sent her here. I have enough on my plate as it is." She gave Tom an apologetic look, to which he just shrugged and smiled in understanding.

A frustrated sigh came from John. "I swear to God, this isn't my doing. She arrived yesterday here in London, and when she demanded to start work right away on her book, I assigned another editor. But she wouldn't have it. She insisted on working with you. So I told her you're in Inverness doing another project. And then she called a few minutes ago, demanding you pick her up at the airport. I swear I didn't know she was planning on flying to Inverness."

Oh, God! "John!" she whined. "I can't just drop everything and pick her up. I'm an editor, not a chauffeur! I'm in the middle of talks with Mr Christie."

"I'm terribly sorry for this mess, Claire but, isn't there anything you can do? Your boyfriend, perhaps? You know how Hawkins is a big deal for the company."

She took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut. Claire felt she was being put in a position she didn't want to be in. On top of it all, her uncle would be arriving in two days, and there was the added worry she had with Jamie and potentially Jenny. The day was definitely getting worse by the second, but Claire reminded herself she was John's only hope, and he was a friend and had always been good to her. When she finally had the strength to open her eyes again, Tom mouthed something she couldn't quite catch.

Wot do you mean? She mouthed back, shaking her head.

"Claire, are you still there?" 

"Yes!" she snapped, tamping down the urge to curse. "I'm here!"

"Well?"

She let out a frustrated breath. There was no way out of it. "Fine, John! But you owe me big time! I'll see what I can do." Damn it!

"You're a star!" John said, relief lacing his voice. "I knew I could rely on you. I'll text Hawkins to let her know you're on your way, and then I'll text you her private number. I don't think you'll have that. It's one of the reasons you couldn't get in touch with her. Anyway, let me know later how you get on."

Before she could answer, the line went dead. What the bloody hell just happened?

Claire dropped her head into her hands and groaned. She wanted to bawl, throw stuff and pull her hair out in frustration.

"Problems?"

She raised her head and looked at Tom. "I'm sorry you had to witness that. I have to cancel our meeting. I need to somehow get to Inverness and pick up this author I'm working with." Without going into too many details, Claire quickly explained her predicament, almost forgetting to breathe. By the time she finished, she was gasping for air and wondering if Tom understood what the hell she was on about. "As you can see, I probably have to organise her accommodation as well. So I really must get going." She stood up and grabbed her bag. "Raincheck?"

He got on his feet as well. "Look, I'm not doing anything for the rest of the day. How about I drive you to Inverness. I can even help you set her up."

"Tom, you don't have to."

"Hey, I'm about to get a book deal from your boss. Let me at least prove to ye what a perfect travel guide I am as I've portrayed on my blog."

Claire stopped to collect herself. On second thoughts, she did need Tom's help, and she couldn't well impose on Willie to drive her to Inverness when he'd been taking time off to check up on her ever since Jamie left. Maybe she could kill two birds with one stone and talk him through his own book's publishing process on their way to the airport. It was a brilliant idea, and hopefully, by the end of today, John would be able to draw up a contract for Tom. With a resigned smile, Claire appreciatively accepted the offer. "Alright then, but we do need to get going now."

"Absolutely. We'll go through the back door." When Claire looked at him curiously, he grinned. "I've parked the car in the staffs' parking lot. I'm good friends with the owner, so I get the privilege to walk through the kitchen and use the backdoor," he explained. Then he leaned closer to her ear and spoke in a low voice. "And if the chef is in a good mood, he might allow us to taste today's menu."

Claire laughed out loud, attracting attention from the pub's clientele. She ignored the curious stares. It was good to laugh again after the last couple of days of feeling down, and she owed it to herself to steer negativity and worries from her thoughts. "We'll stop by the cottage to get some clothes. Knowing my client, she'll probably want to stay in a posh hotel in Inverness and want to start working right away. She doesn't do bed and breakfast or small places. So I doubt she'll want to come to Broch Mordha."

Tom nodded with a smile as he took her hand and lead the way.

Heading to the back of the pub, Claire made a few mental notes on what she needed to take with her. She also reminded herself to message Willie about taking care of Rollo and Adso while she's away, hoping he would think nothing of it when he hears from the village gossip of her meeting with Tom.

...........

Jamie caught Willie's livid expression before the car started, and they were driving down the small country lane. He knew his brother was miffed with Ian, who'd sped ahead of them after revealing Claire's whereabouts with Christie. Though common sense told him he had nothing to be worried about, it had been still a punch in the gut to hear Claire was out with another man.

"Can ye speed up a bit?" Jamie muttered, shifting restlessly on his seat.

"We're not in a bloody motorway, and there are speed limits for a reason," Willie growled, his fingers flexing on the steering wheel. "And it will do ye a lot of good to use this time to calm down before we reach Claire. It's obvious ye're not thinking clearly."

Jamie almost wished he'd taken a ride with Ian instead. They couldn't see their brother-in-law's red Fiat anymore as it disappeared at a bend further ahead. But he knew Willie was right. He wasn't thinking clearly. It's just that, why it had to be Thomas Christie of all people Claire had chosen to go out with. He had nothing against the bloke, but he was a renowned player. What if Claire had grown tired of his condition and fell for Christie's charms? It wouldn't be a difficult feat as the bloke oozed charms by the bucketload. Hadn't he lost a girlfriend in the past because of Christie? Or was it because of his condition? He couldn't be sure anymore. Either way, knowing Claire was with Christie at this very moment was burning a hole in his stomach. "So ye're an expert on my thoughts now, are ye?" Jamie grunted, unable to think of a better excuse for his behaviour.

"I dinnae need to be an expert to know what ye're thinking ... it's written all o'er yer face," Willie retorted. "If ye'd called her up in the first place, then ye would've had a fair idea why she's meeting Christie, and ye wouldnae be in this stinking shite thinking the worse. The lass has been worried sick about ye, and she's put up with yer silence more than what could be expected of her. So do both yerselves a favour and calm the fuck down, aye?"

Jamie knocked back the claustrophobic sensation and forced himself to breathe. This had always been his trouble with his PTSD. He always had these intense emotions that always grew out of proportion to a point it would suffocate him, especially negatives ones like a feeling of lacking or guilt. Wasn't that what Geneva had said? There was a lot of misplaced guilt involved? And no matter what he did to get better, it was a bloody never-ending cycle that always brought him back to square one. But despite the shortcomings, he knew it would kill him if he didn't give himself a fighting chance with Claire. He might as well die trying. She was, after all, either going to be his reason for living or the reason he died. It was all right there, shining in front of him like a floodlight. 

With a sigh, he tried to relax. Jamie knew justifying his earlier behaviour was a bad idea in both their current edgy states, but nothing would stop him from seeing Claire right now. It was like a need that required satisfying, and he couldn't wait to finally see her. He focused on the road ahead of them and listened to the radio to take his mind of negative thoughts.

It's a dreich Thursday afternoon, and here's another trip down memory lane with Mac's Classics here at MFR, with the biggest hits and the biggest throwbacks. Next up is a song sure to make ye forget the dreary days ahead – Let's get rickrolling with Never Gonna Give You Up. 

"Turn it up," Jamie said suddenly, surprising his brother.

"What?" Willie glanced at him like he'd grown a pair of horns.

"I said, turn the bloody volume up!"

"Ye're joking, right? Rick fucking Astley? Nae chance pal!"

"Just do it," Jamie huffed, not caring what his brother thought of his song choice. When Claire had told him it had made her smile listening to it in the cafe the other day, he'd listened to it as well on his mother's antique record player. It was a bloody awful song, but for some strange reason, it had made him smile too.

Scowling and cursing under his breath, Willie eventually complied, and they listened to Rick Astley's song for the rest of the way. When they reached the village centre, Willie illegally parked outside Slater's Arms, carefully avoiding bumping into the menacing bollards. They were just about to get out of the car when Ian appeared from the pub, shaking his head.

Willie stuck his head out of the window. "What's the matter?"

"They're gone," Ian replied, shrugging, perplexity evident in his expression. "Spoke to Angus, and he said they didn't even order anything. They just got up and left."

Jamie got out of the car. "Did he say where they went?"

Ian narrowed his gaze at him. "I didnae ask."

Jamie ran a hand in front of his face and got back in the car. His brother had to work. There was only one thing left he could do, and it was to go back to the cottage, and if Claire wasn't there, he'd give her a call. He turned to Willie, letting out a sigh of resignation. "Just drop me off at the cottage. I've taken too much of yer time already."

"Ye sure?" Willie asked quietly. "I can drop ye off at Lallybroch. Yer car is there. Ye'll most probably need it soon, especially with more bad weather to come."

Jamie shook his head. He was certain Claire would be at home, and if not, surely later. He wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon but had every intention of making up for lost time with her. "It's time to go home," Jamie sighed, waving goodbye to Ian. "No more running away," 

Willie smiled, starting the car. "Good choice!" 

It was a short drive to his cottage, and by the time they pulled up outside his house, the sun started to peek out for a splinter of a moment, his driveway though occupied by an unfamiliar vehicle. As soon as he saw a man's profile sat on the driver's seat, he immediately knew it was Christie. As if anticipating his next move and before he could yank off his seatbelt, Willie slapped a hand across his chest.

"What?" Jamie wheezed.

"Claire's in the cottage. Talk to her first and find out what's going on before ye jump to any conclusions."

Jamie breathed through a laugh, but he could hear it was edged with doubt. "What if I've fucked this up?"

"Ye havenae. And it's up to ye to keep that way. Now go to her. Ye'll find out soon enough there's a perfect explanation for Christie hanging about."

Words were fighting to leave his tongue, but he clamped his lips together and held them back. Vocalising the feelings raging inside his chest would only allow his emotions to run away with him. He reigned them in and took a deep breath. Whether it's a consequence of PTSD or not, he couldn't expect Claire to understand every time. So instead, Jamie gave Willie a reassuring nod and hoped his brother was right. 

He got out of the car and walked straight to the cottage, refusing to acknowledge Christie. He knew he was being rude and could feel his brother's eyes boring into his back as well as Christie's. He didn't care because right at this moment, his primary focus was Claire. 

As soon as he opened the door and saw Claire hooking a bag onto her shoulder, he bounded across the room, dropping his face into her neck and breathing for the first time in days. "Sassenach," he whispered. "I'm so sorry for leaving ye. I wasnae thinking. Please forgive me."

Claire dropped her bag on the floor, wrapping both arms around his neck. "Jamie, you're here," she breathed into his ear. "Are you alright? God, I've been so worried about you."

"I'm alright now that I'm here and ye're here," he rasped, lifting his head for a moment and eyeing the bags on the floor. "Why are yer bags packed?"

She followed his gaze. "I ...ah ... it's work, and I have to ..."

"Ye're going back to London?"

"No!"

That's all he needed to hear. Unable to wait any longer for an explanation, he pulled her into his arms as urgency pumped in his veins. He badly needed to absorb as much as he could of her, breathing her in, in huge gulps of air. His mouth travelled over her neck, into her hair, across her lips, whispering for forgiveness, his hands restless as he touched her everywhere.

"Hey, look at me ... there's nothing to forgive," she murmured, drawing away. She placed her hands on both sides of his face and searched his eyes. "I understand what you've been going through, and I know you're fighting your hardest. It's going to be alright."

"I've missed ye." He turned his face to kiss her palm before placing her hand on his chest. "I-I thought ye're better off without me. I thought I could walk away from ye, and it would be enough knowing ye're safe from me. But nothing was right. I was sick to the soul, knowing I've left ye. I wanted ye to be with a better man than me, but now ... I'm gonnae be selfish and beg ye to let me be that man by yer side."

"Jamie, where's this coming from?" she queried. "I was worried and afraid for you, but I haven't changed my mind about us." She sighed. "Your brother told me yesterday, you were seeing a therapist this morning. Did you go today?"

Jamie swallowed and nodded, unable to still his hands, touching her everywhere, needing to assure himself he was really holding her.

"Is this why you're talking like this? Has the therapy dug up a lot of unwanted issues? Because if it has, it's perfectly normal."

"No!" He let out a frustrated breath. He'd been so unpredictable with the symptoms of his PTSD coming and going, she wasn't taking him seriously when he needed her to hear him out. "No, please listen and look me in the eye. I panicked when I saw the bruises on yer arms, and without thinking, I left. I did what I did because I didnae think I could ever be the man for ye ...a bloody disappointment, constantly causing ye grief. But I understand now why my condition is out of control at the moment ... it's because I have suppressed emotions that need to come out. It's been coming out more because all this while, ye've been the key to my healing. So I'm handing everything inside me over to ye because I trust ye, and ye're the only one who can make sense of me. I cannae promise smooth sailing, Sassenach, but there is one thing I know ye can depend on and will always be constant despite my condition. And that's my love for ye. I can guarantee ye with certainty ye can rely on that. This isnae a result of my therapy talking, alright? I willnae let ye go for anything. I can work around my condition with ye by my side, and I'll work twice as hard to get better."

"Jamie, I love you too, and I have no doubt that ..."

"Then why are your bags packed?" he questioned accusingly. "And why is Christie outside waiting for ye?" 

With a sharp intake of breath, Claire quickly explained everything from the call she received from her boss to Christie's involvement and an impatient Mary Hawkins waiting for her at the airport. 

He could tell she was itching to go by the way she tried to subtly glance at her watch, but he was feeling too selfish. "How about I drive ye to Inverness?" he cajoled, his hand stroking her hair. "Willie is still outside. We'll get my car in Lallybroch, and I'll drive ye." He suddenly felt like a bastard keeping her from doing her work.

"Jamie, no!" she said gently but firmly. He knew she was restraining herself from rushing off, wanting to make sure he was alright first. "I can't be fretting about you being in a city when I have work to do. There's a possibility I'll be back tonight, but if Mary wants to work straight away on her book, then I have to stay in Inverness for a couple of nights, tops. Besides, I need to explain to Tom about his book's publication and make sure he hasn't changed his mind. Until we've drawn up a contract, nothing is certain." Her hands smoothed the hard muscles on his chest. "Besides, I need you to be here when my uncle comes. He'll be hiring a car, so he won't require picking up."

"What? Ye're uncle is coming here?" he almost shouted.

"No. I mean, uncle Lamb won't be staying here in the cottage even though you told him he could. I've already booked him a place in the village centre ...close to the amenities."

He let out a sigh of relief. He didn't think he was ready to bond with Harry's look-alike ...yet. If anything, he dreaded it, afraid of other suppressed memories dying to come out and choke him with guilt.

"Jamie, I really ought to go. I promise I'll call later and explain everything."

With a groan, he pulled Claire in once more in his arms and kissed her thoroughly, and she responded with a whimper that told him she was enjoying the kiss. He hadn't even had a second to savour getting her back before the prospect of letting her go again struck him like a baseball bat between the shoulder blades. But he wanted to give her something to remember while she's away and what she'll be missing if she didn't hurry up with her work. He slipped his hand under her cardigan, caressing her nipple with the calloused pad of his thumb and pressing his burgeoning erection against her belly.

"I love ye ...always remember that." His mouth coasted along the lines of her jaw, his hands squeezing her waist. "I ken ye've been patient and understanding with me, but just try to be extra tolerant with me for now. Can ye do that?"

She nodded, her face red from beard burn. "Alright, but I do need to go, Jamie." Her eyes flashed. "And you have nothing to worry about. So please rest up tonight because you'll need a hell of a lot of energy when my uncle comes."

It's the way she looked at him, pleading for understanding that became his undoing as if she's reading his thoughts, and despite everything he'd done, she couldn't find fault with a single one. He needed to be a better man and control his emotions and needs. Her work was important to her, and she was important to him. "Fine, I'll walk ye to the car." He stooped down to get her bags and followed her outside.

They stopped beside Christie's car, and Jamie watched the other man climbed out, both men grunting a greeting at each other. 

"Am I still driving ye to Inverness, Claire?" Christie asked, avoiding Jamie's eyes.

Claire nodded. "Yes, please, if that's still alright with you. I'm so sorry I took so long."

"It's nae bother, and of course, I'll drive ye to Inverness," Christie smiled warmly. 

A long silence stretched as the three of them just stood there. Christie rocked on his heels, and Jamie held on to Claire's bags like it was his lifeline. 

Caught up in the awkwardness of the moment, Claire bit her bottom lip. "Well, I guess that's settled then. We best get going before Mary does something like bite some poor soul's head at the airport." Claire's attempt to sound cheerful lessened the tension in the air but not the one on Jamie's shoulders. She turned to him and tried to take her bags off his hands, but he couldn't seem to let go. "Jamie ...my bags," she whispered, her hand running up and down his forearm as if to tell him everything was going to be alright.

But instead of giving Claire's bags back to her, he begrudgingly handed them to Christie while launching if looks could kill look over her head. They had a few seconds of stare off until Claire's hands on his face forced him to look at her.

"Jamie, kiss me, goodbye?"

He didn't hesitate at her request and sucked on her bottom lip as she made a sobbing noise. That wee noise she made jolted something free inside of him, and he, too, wanted to cry. He couldn't remember wanting to openly cry before. Not like this. He couldn't control it, and it dragged him down, stealing oxygen from his lungs, but Claire's touches soothed him. 

"I don't want to go," she murmured against his mouth. "Not one bit. But I'm doing this for us, remember that. The sooner I'm done with work, the more time we can spend time together." 

He allowed himself to wade into the shallow waters of comfort Claire was starting to represent. He'd lived with this reality for too long that he wasn't enough. Or probably worse, he was too much. For years, these memories of loss and guilt and shame had been subdued. Now they're coming out with guns blazing, and he felt totally defenceless. But with her arms around him, he felt cocooned in her bubble of protection. So he clung to her like a drunk with his last shot of whisky, the desperation inside him going into overdrive, and he was practically mauling her lips with no care whose watching, drawing her onto tiptoes so he could get all of her from every angle.

"Jamie," she whispered shakily, gently pulling away. "My phone is going off every second. Mary is probably wondering why I haven't called her." 

Breathe, lad, it's going to be alright. Don't lose yer cool, or ye'll drive her away. He let go and opened the car door for her, not taking any notice of the man waiting patiently at the driver's seat. "I'm sorry," Jamie mumbled.

"It's alright." She smiled in understanding, squeezing his hand. "I'll be back before you know it."

He held on to Claire's eyes, the only tangible thing he could grasp, giving him a renewed determination to manage the condition that had ruled him all his life. At that moment, the world suddenly made sense, and he was veering into a place he didn't recognise ...a place of calm, where the voices in his head had lost their dominion over his thoughts.

He watched as Christie's Land Rover drove away and was surprised when a hand landed on his shoulder. Jamie turned around to discover Willie stood there, a smile etched on his face. Jamie had forgotten about his brother, too caught up with Claire's departure and the intense emotions he'd nearly let out of control. 

"Ye did well, bràthair. I'm so proud of ye."

Jamie dropped his head forward and let out an exhale, feeling a lot lighter in days. He knew he'd only scratched the surface of their relationship, but Claire was giving him all the time in the world to get back on his feet, and he was determined not to disappoint her. Though it had been a struggle not to let his emotions take control, it was at least a start. He glanced up at his brother and smiled.

"Ye alright there, Jamie lad?" Willie playfully slapped him on the back for good measure.

"Aye, I think so." This time Jamie meant it and believed his own words. He threw an arm around Willie's shoulder, squeezed it briefly before stepping back. "And thank ye for sticking around. I owe ye one."

"Aye ye do," Willie grinned. "How about repaying me like right now and coming to work. It should keep yer mind busy and help me catch up with a long list of jobs."

Jamie didn't need prodding. His mouth curved into a smile, and he nodded his head. "After seeing Christie, I think I'm in the mood for uprooting trees."

They shared a wicked glance and then laughed out loud.

 Dear Readers,

Thank you all for your patience with this story and the feedback from the previous chapter. 

Mental health stories are, I personally think, the hardest to put across because it involves a lot of emotions and psychological battle that are difficult to put into words. But I was determined to write this account even though it has its challenges, so I hope I've done it justice.

Part of the reason for pushing to write such a story that delves into the mind of a tortured soul is to raise mental health awareness because there are many things that people still don't understand about this illness. In saying that, some of you were disappointed by Jamie's behaviour, and I wanted that to happen to make a point.

In real life, it's so much easier to categorise and point out someone's shortcoming instead of trying to understand the psyche of a person's behaviour. From my perspective, each of us has undoubtedly suffered a form of mental illness at least once, but not everyone has the emotional and psychological strength and maturity to cope or overcome it. Nor do they have access to help. In Jamie' case, he's got a strong network of family, and he got Claire to help him get through it. 

So the moral of the story is, spread kindness because you never know what really is going on in someone's mind. 

For now, take care of yourselves. Until the next update ... X

[onepdumpsterfire]

Disclaimer: These stories are based ‘loosely’ on the game Obey me shall we date. The major stuff will be the same, but here and there the story will be changed or embellished. It is just an AU and I do not own the game the characters, from both One Piece or Obey Me, nor do I own One Piece in general. It would be cool though…

Warning: The characters will mostly be ooc and for the most part will not have the same background as in the anime/manga. The reader’s age will be above consent; the exact number is up to you.

Ace’s pact?

Devildom!AU

(pt10/?)

Various Characters X Reader

After they explained why Ace was so irritable towards Sabo the conversation grew stale. Yawns littered out every time any one of you tried to keep speaking. Ultimately it was decided that it was time to go to bed. So you and Kid left Law’s room in search of your own. With a final good night, Kid entered his room on the second floor and you headed towards the stairs.

“Hey, Y/n,” Ace called out from his bedroom door. He’d heard you talking to Kid outside, so he decided it’d be better to ask you what he needed to sooner than later. “Can I talk to you for a second.” Ace walked out of his room, leading you to the library. He wanted to speak to you somewhere far away from everyone. Far enough that he was sure there would be no eavesdroppers. Closing the door once you both were inside, he got right to it. “Make a pact with me.” Although you did want to make a pact with all the brothers to set Zoro free, doing it this way would only make Sabo not want to make one with you. Not to mention making a pact to just upset the other is exactly what you didn’t want. The fighting and the pushing each other away. You can’t accept and you told him you wouldn’t, not for this reason anyway. He was furious. He yelled at you about how ungrateful you were. A weak human refusing him?! He was going off and might have even gone violent if Sabo hadn’t stepped in.

Sabo was in his secret study, it was hidden behind some bookshelves in the library. He had to finish filling in some paperwork and make some plans about a meeting when he heard you both come in. He was wondering why you both were up so late, then he heard what Ace asked you. He wasn’t gonna step in at first, hoping you’d make the right decision. He might not show it but he was gaining some trust in you, though he was still wary of your motives. You did make the right choice, which in turn made him happy. Suddenly, Ace started shouting at you so he had to intervene.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Sabo’s booming voice echoed in the library that was once filled with threats towards you. “Y/n is one of our king’s guests here. I will not have you lay a finger on them.” Ace’s face morphed into one of inconceivable anger, “our king this our king that. Do you say anything else?!” Horns sprouted from the sides of his head curling into a sharp edge, a small flattened tail grew from his lower back. Flowing energy radiating off of him sending books flying around the room. 

It gave you a pounding headache to be so close to him, but you didn’t pass out this time. Ace managed to contain most of his anger because he knew if he didn’t his brothers would come and see what was happening. Putting on a show for them was one of the last things he wanted to do.

Books came raced at Sabo, attacking him left and right. It was pissed him off. Ace really thought this meager display anything. Sabo’s own power seeped out into the open, mixing into the suffering that welled up inside you. It was nauseating having two immense forces duke it out next to you. You doubled over throwing up the dinner you’d had earlier. They need to stop…

Sabo stopped a book before it could hit him, sending it right back. He knew the mistake he made right after the book left his fingertips. “Is that?…” Ace caught the book that was sent his way. As it forcefully landed in his grip he too instantly knew the cover. It’s a forbidden book. If two people touched it they would swap bodies for an unspecified amount of time. They had this here as a safety precaution because some lower demons were using it to cause mischief. And he caught it… “Shit.”

They were in each other’s bodies. This only served to increase the tension between the both of them. But as luck would have it Sabo saw you laying on the floor. A mess laying next to their own sick. Clutching at their stomach, tears streaming out of your eyes. They had done this to you. Sabo knew they needed to stop. If they continued at this rate the air around them would become too toxic for you to bear.

Sabo did his best to calm down a wrathful, and honestly, hysteric Ace. However, Ace could not care a rat’s ass about you right now. He wanted to let this calm facade he’d put on to slip off. He’d been calm for too long. Holding his young because of the eye full of pin-pricking knives Sabo threw at him. The small shreds of their brotherhood were the only thing holding him back. It was hard to tell if they were still there nowadays.

Still though, what he saw when he looked at Sabo in his own body. It was panic. He was worried about you. He’d never really seen him drop his own mask. He has been so big and prideful all the time since he’d changed. He even had the same feeling he held when they were in Heaven. It was so comforting to see this, even if it was shown through his own body. He was there. Sabo was there…

Maybe they could go back to what they were. He could control his anger, and Sabo would be his brother again. At the same time though, Ace couldn’t believe the lines he was feeding himself. It felt like he was nothing but anger. It consumed him. He hated what it made him become. When he was angry, Ace couldn’t recognize himself. He could barely even stop himself.

It was hard to stop himself, even for forgiving Sabo. Ace held resentment. He couldn’t just let it go, his body wouldn’t allow it. Being the avatar of wrath felt like a never-ending tirade. There was no changing what he really was or how he felt. He knew this, but at the very least Ace knew one thing. Right now, he could help Sabo get you off the floor. Clean up the mess and get you to your room. For now he could hold back. For now he could be quiet and let things be for the night.

Sabo and Ace got you to your room, laying you down in bed. Guilt started to set in on Ace. He’d put you in such a sorry state. He shouldn’t have snapped at you as he did. He needed to see that you got better, but he knew that Sabo would never let him be alone with you. After what he’d done. What could he do to make sure you were okay?

Start a fight?

“Sabo, I don’t want you in my room alone. I know that you are thinking of hiding what happened to us from our brothers.” It was an irritating aspect of Sabo. when he didn’t have things under control or it didn’t go as planned he would lie. “But I’m not letting you pretend to be me.” Ace even knew he himself had a point. Why should he cover for Sabo? The lies were wot got them in this mess in the first place. He hated lies.

Sabo didn’t argue with Ace. there’s been enough of that tonight. He relented, telling him they could stay in Y/n’s room. You acting as a mediator for both of them. They didn’t have to be in each other’s personal spaces and they got to keep an eye on you. The boys settled into their own spaces. One curled up on the sofa and the other on an armchair. As they fell asleep they both wondered how they would hide this from their siblings.

[alliesweetsong]

Starlight & Steel Pt. I

(Below starts a series of personal time skips for both Allie and for my wonderful roleplay partner this will be a multiple part story spanning into the new year, hope you all enjoy)

The morning had already began in earnest as Allie stirs and gently stretches. It had been this way for months following her retirement from the organization known as Ardent Circle and though it took some adjusting, the transition to her new role of preparing the house and herself for the upcoming changes she had already been experiencing had for the most part, helped her through. Life for the ranger had been dull the last several months compared to multiple combat deployments she had seen. Trading weapons as security for the latest products on Azeroth for ‘baby proofing’ the apartment, all she had really done was sleep, spend time with Finian and get fussed over nearly continuously by Endrickson nearly on a daily basis

She didn’t expect anything less today. Yawning gently she slowly sits up with a gentle grunt looking around for her lover but is only met with the smiling friendly disposition of Endrickson with a book in his lap.

“Morning Starlight!” Endrickson says in a soft voice clearly doing his best to be aware of her hearing

“Your love left for the market,  to pick up a few things and told me to watch over you. As if I don't already do so, but at least it gives us time to check you and the baby!" the flamboyant priest finishes while placing a ribbon in between the pages and rising to adjust his robes. 

The half-conscious elf smiles at his enthusiasm all while letting the new nickname swirl in her mind and idly moving her unruly morning hair behind her ears. She quite liked the sound of that though she didn’t express it to the medic.  

"I do hope he brings home breakfast, I'm hungry" she continues with a small chuckle "I feel fine,” Allie replies as if to reduce the certain worry he typically had. 

"That I did! I kept it in the oven so it wouldn't grow cold. I wasn't quiet sure when you would be up, but we'll get that in you before I run what examinations need to be done." 

He sets the book down onto the table while walking over to said oven. The door creaking in protest at first until he retrieve her meal. A breakfast platter of pancakes still hot to the touch, a small pitcher of syrup beside them. A smaller plate filled with proteins of ham, sausage links and eggs soon accompanied by salt and pepper shakers for her to season. 

 "Now from records shown, morning sickness generally recedes after the first trimester. However.. there haven't been that many elven births documented so it may differ." He sets the platter across her lap while looking at the growing bump. "That would put you at.."

How long had it been? the days following turning in her resignation letter, the weeks had blurred into weeks, with the same routine mixed with breaks in the day to day to walk around Boralus and venture into Stormwind for her weekly treat of the roast beef sandwich that she enjoyed so much. Even getting rehired by Eilithe at the tea shop seemed like forever ago. As she mentally mulled over how to respond calculating how long it had been since that night quickly evaporated into shock at the veritable smorgasbord Endrickson had supplied her to feast on. 

As she adjusted her posture to sit up her ears twitch happily as a smile spreads over her face. 

“Um five months, I believe,” she replies in a warm manner. 

The priest nods while trying to hide his excitement, but it was clear to the eye that wouldn't last for too much longer. 

"Yes! Approximately five to six months along. And given the shape of your belly now, I would say halfway to the latter." He crawls onto the bed to sit at her feet. If Worgen had tails, it would be wagging as he sat there perked up. 

"I still can't believe Finian is actually going to be a father! He had mentioned at one point he would have wanted a family, but wasn't sure if it would happen. But look at it all now!" He held his hands out as if presenting Allie to the world. "I wish I was able to have a baby, surely Thomas and I would make a cherub of a child," he sighs wistfully.

"I am sure you both would make wonderful parents, but I know you'll make for wonderful...erm, uncles?" Allie replies as if making sure she had the right human word

"Maybe we could adopt?" he asks himself while lowering his chin to his chest. The man knew well enough that no man could actually become pregnant, but one could wish. His thoughts were all over the place until hearing the mention of being an uncle to which he snaps his attention back to Allie. His eyes lighting up as if she had given him an early Winter's Veil gift. 

"Really?" he nearly squeaks while clasping his hands together.

The elven woman chuckles as she starts seasoning her breakfast to taste while nodding. 

"If you think once our child is born I would just...whisk Finian away from men he has fought alongside with your wrong." She replies. "We are all part of a family now." 

Though Finian had spoke of them all being a family, it still struck him and nearly brought him to tears at the thought. He had to keep some form of composure as he sat there. 

 "I know for one thing, you and the baby will be protected by all of us. Even Simmons. I think once he sees the baby it may actually bring him around to seeing he could have something like that. Though I am curious, do you think Finian will ask you to marry him too?" 

Allie gently smiles as she begins chewing her food while her cyan blue eyes glow, not just how they usually do but in happiness as well, Marriage was certainly on her mind, but she wasn’t about to tell the medic that, things tended to spread like wildfire in the squad

"Shadows, Simmons with a child is a scary thought," she replies with a good-natured laugh. 

"But I wouldn't have it any other way to know the four of you would sooner die, not that I want that to happen, then see something happen to myself or the baby," she replies softly. 

"Starlight is a wonderful nickname, I think I will use that from now on."

"By all means, I think it's fitting in your case," Endrickson replies warmly

"You never know, it could spark a want for him to settle down instead of being on the corner of a bar all night. I think he has it in him if he can find a girl that can stand his stubborn ass," he rolls his eyes before shaking his head. "If he hasn't knocked up half of Boralus already.." 

Allie blows on another bite of pancakes before shrugging. "I suppose you're right. Simmons is a good man..." 

she starts before mockingly gagging at his final comment "Can you imagine if he has!?" she replies in a slightly louder voice before giggling. 

"Could start his own nation with the amount of....fun he's had since the war ended," she replies with a gentle shake of her head. 

"Oh? is it? what makes you say that?"

"I even wager he could repopulate all of Gilneas and that was even before the war ended. I tried to get his attention, but he wanted none of this," he gestured to himself before pouting. 

"I would say so! It's hard to miss, between the eyes and your hair you're almost the embodiment of a dusk. I'm actually envious of you!"

"Ya' ever think it's because 'e's not int' men, Damien?" 

Finian had managed to sneak in through the door just in time for his statement. Unheard by the chatty Elf and Medic. Bags were cradled in his arms as he makes his way toward the kitchen to set them on the counter. Reaching into a satchel, he retrieves a tome to set aside for the moment.

Allie had begun to blush as Endrickson commented on her hair and eyes. Though she didn't openly admit it she hated what the void had done to her once golden blonde hair something that. Snapping her gaze to meet Finian's she started to set the breakfast to the side to help the Gilnean. "Good Morning love," she replies before motioning to Endrickson. 

"We were just making jokes about Simmons and his...propensity to bed every woman he finds," she replies chuckling shuffling to put her feet on the floor.

"Ya' not wron' with that. The man 'as been that way since breakin' 'im out of the brig after comin' t' Stormwind. Thinkin' 'e 'as a thin' fer wantin' t' get wot 'e can before gettin' locked up again. Though seein' 'e's under m'ranks I don't see 'im gettin' in t' deep." 

He makes his way over to Allie to kiss her forehead before brushing a stray lock from her features. A soft smile setting on his lips as he held a loving gaze up her.  

"Anythin' t' report?" he asks looking to Endrickson. 

"Well, you returned before I could get an examination of her. So seeing you are here now, I could do that once she is done eating."

The elf places a hand on Finian's chest in a loving manner before chuckling as he kisses her forehead. 

"Well at least he can cause less trouble now," she replies still teasingly before inhaling and slipping back under the covers and replacing the tray to continue eating. 

"You're not going to poke and prod today are you?" she asks in a half protesting manner of Endrickson. 

"I hate when you poke and prod."

"You are lucky I didn't bring my instruments today for that. Though this would more so to make sure everything for the baby is working appropriately. Heartbeat and so on.. If I had the technology of a gnome I would say we could see what your baby would be. Then you could start planning for a nursery, clothes, names," Endrickson states while he gently rolls his wrist as if he could go on.

Finian soon sits beside Allie before stealing one of the sausage links to eat for himself. He would have to make something later once everything was said and done for her. 

" 'ave t' admit, I'm not t' keen o' ya' shovin' anythin' up there t' begin with.

" "It's for medical purposes!! I wouldn't want to have any of me up inside her to begin. That's for you to do when no one else is around. Granted, that doesn't stop us from hearing it, but I digress!"

Allie couldn't help but blush at the current exchange between the two knowing full well what was being inferred. Sometimes the exchanges between the four were so over the top it was difficult for her not to laugh at the immaturity. She wasn't a fan of it herself but she knew where the priest's intentions were. Clearing her throat she pours more syrup on her pancakes and looks between the two. 

"Sweetie, I'm sure you know Endrickson well enough to know he doesn't take joy in that," she replies in a soothing manner before turning to Endrickson. "

Is that possible? to uh, find out what the baby will be?" she asks in a hopeful manner "Unless Finian wants it to be a surprise."

Even Finian was curious about if the priest was able to do so. Though there was a small tinge of concern that plagued him as to how they would even find out in the first place. 

"Nah, who would we be surprisin' aside from ourselves, love? At least then we can figure out wotever name we want from them." 

"There is a way, somewhat invasive with the use of shadows. However, aside from picking up on the life force of the child, I believe I could get an image of it at the very least. It won't put either of you in harm's way, I can assure you of that."

Alllie looks to Finian in a 'what do you think' manner. Even as a void elf, she seemed a bit hesitant at the thought of shadow magic being used and the skeptical look she had adorned would tell as much. 

"Well, I don't want to put the baby in anything harmful," she starts to reply before gently shrugging while keeping her gaze locked on Finian's for a moment. 

"As long as Finian doesn't mind,, and you promise nothing bad will happen...I wouldn't mind finding out." she finally states before starting to chuckle 

"I vote Finian Jr. if its a boy." she blurts before taking a quick bite of pancakes to hid the giggle burrowing its way forth. The slight tint to her cheeks gave away her tease.

At first, Finian wasn't all that sure about having magic used on their unborn child. Granted he did know that whether he liked it or not, the child would have a touch of void thanks to Allie. The man was no stranger to magic, even with this time off he had been considering in reaching into his dormant druidic abilities. An arm soon wraps around  Allie as he looks to Endrickson. 

"Aye mate, I trust ya' enough with 'er. Ya' and the rest of the crew are the only ones I do at this point. As much as I give ya' shit." 

Though hearing his lover jest about the name, he did purse his lips at the thought with squinting at her. 

 "Whenever Allie is done, we can proceed then. Wouldn't want her to lose any sustenance at this stage."

Allie gently chuckles as she shuffles the tray back onto her lap and begins to eat the remainder of the pancakes both amused at her lover squinting at her at the quip she had made. Seemingly eating faster now, she clearly was hungry or she was enthusiastic for these examinations Endrickson kept alluding too. Making no mention as to either, the now-retired ranger devours the remainder of her pancakes before setting the tray aside and holding up the sausage links for Finian to take. 

"So, Endrickson, if you're not poking me and prodding, what is the plan today?" she asks 

"Here, Hunny, please eat."

"I see the motherly instinct is kickin' in already," the knight teased while taking the plate from her. 

He wouldn't refuse them either seeing he hadn't eaten at all since leaving the apartment. Had Endrickson not made something for Allie, he would have done so for the both of them. 

"Well I was thinking about pestering Thomas for a bit to see what we could do. I think he mentioned just taking a walk through the city to take everything in. We haven't exactly left the harbor or Uptown too much. I think only Finian and Simmons have done that much."

It was the Ren'dorei's turn to shoot a playful wink at the Knight while smirking and throwing the comforter off herself to slide out of bed to stretch and get her day going. 

"A walk does sound nice, but I meant these examinations after I was done eating," she replies to Endrickson before squeaking and relaxing her posture. Even pregnant and showing the elven woman remained in fairly decent physical condition. She wouldn't win any marathons but her wartime workouts would still be very apparent. 

"Perhaps after Endrickson is done we could join them love? unless you had other things planned for us today? I think some fresh air would be nice."

"Aye, I 'ave somethin' else in mind fer us t' do today. Let the loverboys 'ave their time alone. Besides, I think I remember Thomas sayin' somethin' about needin' t' shop fer wotever reason. Sounds right up ya' alley, right Damien?" He smirks toward the priest for a moment. 

A wordless exchange between the two left the feminine one giggling for a moment before clearing his throat. 

"Quite right. So that being said, we should get this examination underway." 

He waits for Allie to finish her tray of food before taking it over to the sink to be washed before he left. Once she had made herself comfortable again, he would begin rolling his shoulder back and close his eyes. Upon opening them, the pale hues would have a more violet hue to them as he waits at the bedside. "Whenever you two are ready."

"Ohhh that sounds exciting," she replies to Finian while relaxing her posture. 

"I suppose there will be plenty of time in the future for us to have a walk with them." she finishes before lifting an eyebrow at the wordless exchange between the two while her ears twitch trying, unsuccessfully to clearly listen in to whatever inside conversation the two were not having with each other. 

 Inhaling and glancing side-eyed at Finian in a 'what was that about' manner she quickly snaps back to Endrickson and nods three times before taking a seat at the foot of the bed and placing her hands in her lap preparing herself for whatever the examinations would entail. 

"I am ready," she replies warmly

Finian wouldn't budge in revealing what he and Endrickson had known about, but it would could to pass eventually. For the moment, he makes his way beside Allie to give her and Endrickson room to work. As the priest approaches, his fingertips gently press onto the elf's growing belly with a soft smile. His fingertips holding a shade of violet as well until it begins to channel into Allie. 

"Let's see how they are doing, shall we?" 

he cants his head to the side for a moment. As he continues, a silhouette of the unborn child could be seen. Their heart beating strong and even able to see it move some within the womb. The very second the knight had seen it, his face lights up. Even the infant's hand reaches up against its mother's stomach as if acknowledging they were both there. Very dim twin orbs moving about somewhat, but not looking in any particular direction. With another deep breath, Endrickson would amplify his methods though he would be the only one to see what truly lay within the elf. It wouldn't be long until his eyes shot open with a gasp. 

"Are you ready to know?" 

The elation on the Ren'dorei's face was evident as the silhouette of the unborn child becomes visible. If it hadn't dawned on the Ranger yet that she was going to be a mother, That certainly wasn't the case anymore. Squeaking in ooh's and excitement, Allie gently lays a hand over Finian's as she covers her mouth in amazement with the other While her ears flicked as if trying to hear their child's heartbeat. Inhaling deeply as Endrickson asks them both the question, she gently squeezes Finian's hand and gently nods. 

"I know I'm ready," she replies sniffling clearly happy.

Taking Allie's hand into his, Finian weaves his fingers between hers before giving a squeeze of his own. However, the affection wouldn't cease there as he leans to press his lips into her hair. He couldn't recall the last time he had felt so much love for a person and even another he had yet to know. 

"Aye, let's 'ear it." 

 The very sight of the two nearly brought Endrickson to tears as he couldn't contain himself. He swiftly removes his hand from Allie's belly and clutches them into shaking fists. He begins to bounce at the foot of the bed. 

"It's a BOY!!"

[ @fin-mckendric​ ] for helping me write this incredible monstrosity both in discord and ingame

[ @revthepunchbear​ @deadsunharbor​ @eilitheduskbringer​ ] for the honorable mention you’re all great

[bee-kathony]

“Heartbeat” - Claire E.B.R. Fraser One Shot 

There were three times in Claire’s life after she left Jamie to his destiny on Culloden Moor that she thought her heart might one day beat again. Three times that she felt like she had something to give and something to take if only to remind herself to live.

Claire’s heart had been ripped out of her chest the moment she passed through the stones, leaving Jamie behind in 1746. It nearly killed her when she realized just when and where she was. He was dead. And there was nothing Claire could do now or ever that would change that fact. She had made a promise to him — to return to Frank, her first husband and raise the child she was now carrying, with him.

It was a lie. Their child was raised in a lie. Frank had been extremely happy when she returned — in shock and disbelief that she had come back to him. But she hadn’t come back, at least not fully. Her heart was with Jamie back in 1746 on the battlefield of Culloden. The only thing that Frank ever had was the physical body of Claire — even then, she could not fully give that to him either.

Try her best to forget the past and move forward, every day was a day lived in agony without Jamie. After her return to Frank, they had stayed at the Reverend’s Manse for a few weeks while she recovered from the journey and they sorted everything out in Scotland. Claire couldn’t help but flinch every time Frank tried to touch her. She knew he was seeking comfort from his long lost wife and she hated herself that she wasn’t that woman anymore.

Once, she had loved Frank and dearly. Young and naive, she had married him when she was nineteen and had followed him wherever he led them. Then when they were parted for six years during the war (the majority of their marriage), Claire and Frank naturally grew distant. That’s what led them to Scotland in the first place — a second honeymoon. Only Claire would wander upon standing stones that called out to her and when she touched them, her life would never be the same.

She had explained to Frank time and time again that she was in love with another man and that he was existed in another century. Thinking her insane, Frank struggled to accept her truth. Only when she told him she was pregnant did he come around and choose to believe whatever story she wanted to tell him. Frank wanted a child, no matter the father. Except he made Claire promise to raise the child to believe that he was their father and not Jamie — a tall, red headed warrior from the 18th century.

Agreeing to this, Claire and Frank moved to Boston where he accepted a job as a professor at Harvard. It hadn’t always been easy and at times, Claire felt extremely lonely. Her marriage with Frank was that of convenience and obligation, but not of love — not as it had been and not as it ever had been with Jamie Fraser.

There were three times in Claire’s life after she left Jamie to his destiny on Culloden Moor that she thought her heart might one day beat again. Three times that she felt like she had something to give and something to take if only to remind herself to live.

Frank and Claire tried in the beginning. But no amount of trying on either end would save their marriage. A couple of years after Brianna was born (with flaming red hair), they decided to no longer share one bed. Several times Claire had come to Frank, feeling desperate, aching with desire, but when she made love to him, it wasn’t Frank who she was thinking of. It was always Jamie and with her eyes closed, she could pretend it really was him. Frank was a prideful man, and smart as well — catching on to the fact that she couldn’t and wouldn’t fully be able to give herself to him.

So they continued to raise Brianna as best they could while also managing to live their own separate personal lives. It was when Brianna was seven and brought home her friend Jessica Nelson to play that Claire found out her heart could beat — even just a little.

When Claire and Frank first moved to Boston, they knew no one. But Claire found a quick friend with Millie Nelson and over the next several years; her and her husband Jerry were invited over for many dinners. Claire didn’t have many friends save Millie and Joe Abernathy who was working to become a doctor just like Claire.

Millie wasn’t as daft as she seemed, she knew something wasn’t quite right between Claire and Frank and had asked her as much one day when Millie brought over her daughter Jessica.

“Is everything alright between you and Frank?” Millie took the martini from Claire’s out stretched hand and took a seat on the couch in Claire’s living room.

“Everything’s as fine as it’ll ever be,” Claire smiled, pouring her own drink before joining Millie on the couch. “Why do you ask?”

“I notice these things,” her friend touched her knee lightly. “I only ask now because I can tell you two aren’t the perfect couple you try so hard to show.” Claire started to object, but Millie raised her hand. “It’s also because I see mine and Jerry’s relationship reflected in yours.”

“You two are having problems?”

“Have been for years,” Millie said over the top of her glass. “I found him cheating on me with his secretary, some blonde bimbo. I wanted him out of the house, but he promised to work on our relationship,” Millie rolled her eyes.

Claire was hesitant to reveal too much of what it had actually been like between her and Frank. The arrangement they had come to agree upon worked for them. It was far from ideal, but their circumstances were also extremely rare.

“Frank and I —“ Claire began, shamefully looking down at her lap. “Well we’ve both seen other people. I haven’t in quite some time, but the fact of the matter is that I was married to Frank when it happened.”

“An affair? Oh how juicy!” Millie nodded, urging for Claire to go on.

“Don’t you think I’m a horrible person? You just called your husband’s mistress a blonde bimbo,” Claire smirked.

“When it’s not my life, it’s fascinating,” Millie remarked, biting the olive from the toothpick. “So you slept with another man and Frank cheated as well?”

It hurt to hear the reality out loud, but it was also a relief in some ways to be able to talk about it with someone. “Yes, it was many years ago and just the one man. Frank and I have agreed to have sort of an open relationship.”

“That’s progressive,” Millie’s eyes shot up. “I’m sure Jerry would love that! He’d probably even suggest we invite his secretary to join us in bed.”

Claire finished her drink, tossing her head back and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She set down the glass on the coffee table in front of her. “You and Jerry are still together though, so did you work it out?”

“Oh we’re trying, been seeing a counselor for weeks now, but I don’t see it working,” Millie scoffed and set her glass down next to Claire’s. “It’s not like I wanna get divorced, but every time I look at him I see… her, writhing underneath him, Christ it makes my skin boil!”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Claire said, reaching out to lay her hand over Millie’s. “Let’s talk about something a bit lighter shall we?”

While their girls played upstairs in Brianna’s room, Claire and Millie discussed everything from new recipes to the latest flick in the cinema. Even though it was late afternoon, they both had another round of martinis and relaxed without the presence of screaming children nearby.

Claire had just finished telling Millie about Brianna losing another one of her teeth, it had fallen out when she was trying to eat an apple and gotten stuck. Blood had poured out of Bree’s mouth and soaked the front of her dress. It was a front tooth, but Bree was so excited she had run around the house, holding up her tooth and screaming about the tooth fairy.

“Jessica lost all her baby teeth,” Millie smiled. “Keeps asking when’s the next time money will appear under her pillow!”

“Yes, well Brianna only has a few left now.”

Glancing up at the clock, Claire realized that Frank would be home in about an hour from work. She really should start preparing dinner, but her woozy head and the company of Millie was keeping her parked on the couch.

“Can I ask you something Claire?”

“Of course, I’m an open book,” Claire smiled. Well, she was open about everything except a particular red headed scot, but she was quite certain Millie wouldn’t be asking about that.

“Have you ever—“ her friends cheeks blushed and she shook her head. “Nah, it’s silly.”

“Wot is it, Millie?” Claire laughed, nudging her leg.

“This may come off sounding strange, but I just wondered if you’ve ever kissed another woman,” she rushed it all out, letting out a deep breath in the process. In fact, Claire had never kissed another woman. She knew of girls that did during the war, mostly from loneliness, but Claire had experimented like that herself. It wasn’t exactly talked about either, at least not in public.

“I haven’t,” Claire shook her head. “Have you?”

“Oh God no!” Millie’s hand flew over her heart.

“Why do you ask?” Claire smirked.

“I was just curious what it would be like is all, I thought maybe you had since you certainly aren’t getting any from Frank,” Millie blushed. “Forget I asked,” she waved her hand away.

As she sat there, looking at Millie, she noticed how pink her lips were. How soft her skin looked and how beautiful her friend really was. Claire had never harbored any feelings towards other women and she didn’t think she would suddenly start now, but something compelled her to lean in closer and so she did.

“What are you doing, Claire?” Millie asked as Claire scooted closer towards her. Claire laid her hand on top of her shoulder, her other hand coming up to cup her cheek.

“You said you wanted to know what it was like…” she waited, looking into her friend’s blue eyes, looking for a sign.

“I did,” Millie gulped audibly.

Claire’s heart was racing and it was all she could hear as she closed the small space between her and the other woman. It was odd at first, mostly because she hadn’t actually kissed anyone in a long time, but soon her lips found the way of it again.

Millie was stiff at first, simply sitting there and letting Claire move against her. Sliding her hand down over her arm, Claire squeezed Millie’s hand and then parted her lips, urging her to give in. To give in to whatever was happening between them and forget everything that said it wasn’t right. The feeling of her lips on Claire’s felt right. Even if it was just this one moment that they shared, Claire felt something stir up inside her that she thought long dead. It was that feeling of being wanted. Not that Frank hadn’t wanted her, but Claire was only reminded of what she couldn’t have (Jamie) every time she looked at him.

Soft moans came from both of the women as they relaxed and began to kiss each other. Claire took charge, brushing her fingers back through Millie’s hair. She parted her lips, pressing her tongue against Millie’s and sucked lightly. Shifting slightly on the couch, Claire pressed herself flush against her friend, feeling the softness of her breasts on her own. She knew how irresponsible this was — Bree and Jessica were just upstairs. But she needed this, she needed to know that she was capable of feeling once again.

Millie was breathing hard, her own hands resting lightly on Claire’s back. The women broke apart and looked into each other’s eyes and then started laughing. Claire leaned her forehead against Millie’s and sighed before moving back on the couch.

Wiping at her lips, Claire met Millie’s eyes, her cheeks blushing. “So?”

“If you kiss like that with Frank, I don’t know how he ever let you get away from his bed,” Millie laughed, wiping at her own lips. “I — well I liked it.”

“I did too,” Claire nodded in agreement. “I feel a little bit reckless, don’t you?”

They both laughed again, feeling a pump of adrenaline for doing something they shouldn’t have. It’s not like Frank would care and it’s not like she was ever going to tell him for that matter. A few moment later, before both women could talk about the kiss in more detail, Bree and Jessica came running down the stairs in search of snacks.

“You can have an apple, but nothing more darling. Daddy will be home soon and I need to start dinner.”

Millie rose from the couch then, followed by Claire. “I guess we better get out of your hair then, leave you to your dinner.”

“You’re welcome to stay if you’d like!”

“That’s a kind offer, but I know Jerry’s expecting his roast beef tonight,” Millie smiled and Claire couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. It was 1955 and divorce while not unheard of, it was still not common for a woman to leave her husband. Claire only hoped her friend would be able to work things out between her and her husband.

“Another time then,” Claire smiled and hugged her friend goodbye. “Say ‘thank you’ to Jessica’s mum for letting her come over and play, Bree.”

“Thank you Mrs. Nelson,” Bree smiled politely, waving as Jessica and Millie left.

Frank came home twenty minutes later, oblivious to the way Claire jumped out of her skin at the slam of the front door. They ate dinner together as a family, and Claire was mostly silent, letting Bree tell Frank all about her day.

That night as she feel asleep to the soft snoring of her husband, she pressed her fingers against her lips, desperately trying to recall the feeling of Millie’s lips on hers. For the first time in years, Claire didn’t feel merely like a shell of a human being, but that she had hope that one day she might find love again that really made her heart beat in her chest.

The second time Claire felt a flutter in her heart didn’t happen until many years later. Frank had been seeing a woman named Sandy for years now — all in private of course. Claire found out about her on the day of her graduation from medical school. She knew Frank was discreet, but it was still odd to come face to face with her. But Claire couldn’t hold it over his head because she knew she gave no real effort to their marriage and they had agreed on this — to live together for the sake of Bree, but separately for the sake of their hearts.

His name was Robert Lewis — a fellow doctor that had been flirting with Claire on and off for years. He knew she was married, he saw the ring on her left hand — had even commented on her wearing two bands on either hand. She hadn’t told him about the silver band she wore on her right… that was just for her.

Robert was persistent and he had Claire figured out. At least he thought he did. It was obvious to anyone who looked even a little bit that Frank and Claire didn’t live the perfect marriage. Perhaps that’s why Robert kept pushing her to go out on a date with him. Bree was in her senior year of high school and in the summer she was going on a tour of colleges with Frank. Claire needed to stay behind and tend to her patients and besides, she knew Bree didn’t really want her to go with them.

Claire spent more time at the hospital than she did with Bree and while she often regretted it, she would never regret the lives that she had saved. Medicine was a part of her, something she had always known was in her blood. That was something she had in common with Robert and so one day when he asked her yet again to have a drink with him, she agreed. But she told him to wait a month, because Bree and Frank would be gone. Claire didn’t want to risk her daughter finding out about her mother going on a date with another man. She knew Brianna wasn’t oblivious to the shouting and fighting that went on between her and Frank, but that didn’t mean she needed to learn about the way her parents lived their lives. One day, but that day wasn’t now.

The next month passed quickly and Claire had worked herself up to a nervous wreck. It was her friend, Joe Abernathy that had convinced her to not cancel on Robert.

“Lady J, you have a date tonight with the hottest doctor in this whole damn hospital,” he laughed. “Screw Frank, well… don’t screw Frank, but you get what I mean.”

“Frank doesn’t give a rat’s arse what I do,” Claire sighed, crossing her arms. “It’s just one date anyways. I mostly just said yes so he would stop asking me.”

“Where are you going?”

“A bar downtown,” Claire said as she wrapped her scarf around her neck. She was heading out from work with Robert any minute now. “It’s not like anyone will recognize me, I never leave this place!”

“Have fun, LJ and relax. It’s just drinks and a nice night,” Joe smiled and gave her a pat on the back. “You’re a stunning woman and you might even get lucky tonight.”

“Joe!” Claire swatted at his arm, laughing as she turned to leave their shared office.

As it happened, the night with Robert had been rather successful. They talked about their patients and why they had wanted to study medicine. And as the night moved on, they opened up and he asked her why she had agreed to come on the date with him.

“You want me to be honest?”

“No, I want you to lie,” Robert laughed, taking a sip of his whisky. “Tell me the truth, if you want.”

“Well mostly I agreed because I wanted you to stop asking me,” Claire blushed. “But also I think you’re a nice man and you’ve always been kind to me.”

“I like you, Claire Randall,” Robert lifted his glass to hers. “It’s been my honor to share this evening with you.”

Drinks in a dimly lit bar wasn’t the only thing they shared that night. With no one at home, Claire had invited him inside. She felt reckless, tipsy and a bit aroused at the thought of having sex with him.

Why did doing bad things have to feel so damn good!?

They hadn’t made it far, only to the living room where Robert had unclasped her garters and pulled her dress up around her waist. He was handsy and only a little bit taller than her. But he tasted like whisky and his kisses burned along her neck and chest. As they stumbled to the ground and Robert reached into his pocket for a condom, Claire almost stopped it there. Once he slid it down on his cock, he leaned forward and Claire moaned, shutting her eyes tight at the sensation she hadn’t felt in more than a decade.

She wrapped one leg around his waist, angling her hips as he thrust deep into her. Something she’d locked up inside of her was let loose and she kissed his jaw, biting slightly, eliciting moans from him. Her hands wandered along his back, tugging on his shirt, pushing him into her.

He had been gentle, but also drunk. With four hard thrusts, Claire came with a cry and Robert followed soon after, holding his body weight above her on his arms. He offered to stay the night, and she considered it, but that was all she could handle for one night.

“Thank you, Robert,” Claire kissed his cheek at the door. “I had a good time.”

“It was my pleasure, Claire,” he kissed her hand and then they parted ways.

Nothing ever came out of that one date. A few months later, Robert had met a woman at a grocery store and by the time Christmas rolled around, they were engaged to be married. Claire was determined that love wasn’t in the cards for her. She had had one great love in her life. One man that she loved with all of her heart, all of her soul and she knew she would never find that again.

Claire had managed to keep the ghost of Jamie at bay most nights and days. But a couple years later, after another fight when Frank asked her if she would ever truly move on from Jamie, he had gotten in a car accident and died. She had wept, running to his lifeless body after Frank told her the news. She was already at the hospital and ended up sitting with him for nearly an hour before his body was taken down to the morgue.

“I did love you,” she had whispered and kissed him goodbye one last time.

The third time Claire’s heart started to beat on its own was when after months of searching and with the help of the Reverend’s adopted son and her daughter — they found out Jamie was alive.

At least, he was still alive back in the 18th century. He hadn’t died on Culloden Moor, he had made it out alive and was a printer in Edinburgh. Roger Wakefield had found an old clipping of a pamphlet printed by a man named Alexander Malcolm — two of Jamie’s middle names.

It hadn’t been an easy journey. Brianna was furious with her when she told her the truth that she had kept for twenty long years. Jamie Fraser was her father and not only did she belong to another man, but that man was an 18th century highlander. This revelation had nearly broken Claire and Bree apart, but when the three of them witnessed Gillian Edgars (Who Claire had known as Geillis Duncan) on top of Craig Na Dun disappear into thin air — that’s when Bree believed her.

It took seeing it with her own eyes, for Bree to really believe Claire had been telling the truth. After that, they had spent months looking for signs of Jamie and when they found that clipping, proving that Jamie was alive, Bree had told her mother that she had to go back and find him.

“Bree, have you thought this through? If I go, I may never be able to come back. It’s not like an elevator where you can just jump on and off.”

“You’ve done it before,” Bree squeezed her mother’s hand.

“But there are no guarantees. It’s… possible we may never see each other again, can you live with that?” Claire felt her heart tighten at the thought of leaving her daughter behind. “Cause I don’t know if I can. To not be there, to see you get married, walk you down the aisle. Or to watch you become a mother, hold my first grandchild…”

“I know,” Bree looked down at their joined hands. “It won’t be easy. But I have been trying to figure out if I was more Randall or Fraser and what I realized is that I’m more you than I am either of my father’s and if I can turn out to be half the woman you are, then I’ll be fine.”

Claire lifted her hand, brushing back her daughter’s red hair, “But I’m the one who knows you better than anyone,” Claire sighed, tears filling her eyes.

“You know who doesn’t know me?” Bree said, “Jamie. You owe it to him to go back and I want you go and tell him everything.”

Claire was quiet as she looked at her daughter and then briefly down.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?”

“What if he’s forgotten me or what if he doesn’t love me anymore?” There was still a chance that it wasn’t Jamie that was this Alexander Malcolm or that he had in fact moved on with his life. It’d been nearly twenty years since that day on Craig Na Dun.

“You told me what you felt for Jamie was the most powerful thing you ever felt in your life, has that changed?”

“No,” Claire said quickly.

“Then you have to trust it’s the same for him. You gave Jamie up for me, now I have to give him back to you.” Claire hugged her daughter, holding her close and trying to memorize everything about her.

It was just a few days after Christmas that Claire left. She left her daughter behind with Roger Wakefield, hoping that she would be able to find her own happiness. She left her old life behind and focused on finding Jamie.

With every step she took towards the print shop on Carfax Close, her heart began to beat louder and louder until she could only hear the drumming of her pulse in her ears.

A bell chimed as she opened the door.

A few more steps.

A voice.

“Is that you Geordie? Took ye long enough.”

More steps. Louder heartbeat.

“Where’d ye go to get the ash? To Glasgow?”

A pause.

“It isn’t Geordie, it’s me… Claire.”

He turned around slowly, her highlander and when his eyes met hers for the first time in twenty years, Claire’s heart came back to life and she knew everything would be alright.

[ascension-soliloquy]

First time read of Mistborn book 1: The Final Empire

This is my first time doing something like this. I’m not sure how interesting it will be for anyone else. Usually when I read it’s more, well...I don’t know if passively is the right word, but I don’t normally take notes or write my thoughts down. I’m not doing a recap, I’m expecting you to have read the book and be familiar with it. I’m not doing in depth analysis on every chapter or every little plot point, I’m just writing down things whenever I think of them. 

 •So far I’m on chapter 17 and right now I only have one prediction. Reen will show up again at some point in the series, he will have power, either Misting or Mistborn, and there will be a confrontation between him and Vin. Either that or between both of them and their father. Or just between Vin and her father. I’m probably wrong. Haha

 •Also, I’m guessing the blurbs at the beginning of each chapter are from the book Sazed is translating.

 •Chapter 28.

“The Deepness must be destroyed... Many do not realize that it is sentient, but I have sensed its mind...the few times I have confronted it directly. It is a thing of destruction, madness, and corruption. It would destroy this world not out of spite or out of animosity, but simply because that is what it does.”

My guess is that rather than destroy the Deepness, he was possessed by it.

 •From the start Vin reminded me of a combination of Min and Egwene from the Wheel of Time. I only know about BS from him finishing the WOT series, so I suppose comparisons are inevitable for me. When we first meet Vin she has short hair and wears boy clothes, so that’s like Min, and she is ambitious about learning magic, so that’s like Egwene. All three characters seem to be in the habit of doing what they want, rather than what they are told to do. I always liked Egwene and Min, but so far I think I might actually like Vin better. Maybe because she has a lot of POV in this book, whereas we had to wait a while to get POV from the other two in WOT.

 [The next paragraph sort of contains spoilers for the last three books in the Wheel of Time]

 I hope Elend doesn’t turn out to be the Gawyn of this story. When she was telling him about how skaa are intelligent, I was thinking, “no Vin! I don’t like the questions he’s asking you. Don’t trust him!” Then when he defended her to his friends, I was like, maybe he’s okay. Oh, but now he’s going to have her followed. Going behind her back, kinda getting Gawyn vibes. (I’m talking about what Gawyn did in the last three WOT books, so if you haven’t gotten that far, spoilers, so I won’t get into it here.)

 •”Be careful, Mistress —become too fond of reading, and you may just turn into a scholar.”

Vin shook her head. “Not if all the books I read are going to end like this one!”

Rather meta, isn’t it?

 •Chapter 30

F***

“And so the house war starts, Vin thought. Didn’t think I’d be the one to officially begin it.”

Indeed.

Maybe Vin is the Gawyn in this situation. Hahaha

It is pretty badass that she was able to defeat another Mistborn on her own, but I can imagine this will come back to bite her.

 •”You’re no skaa—you’re just noblemen without titles.”

Dang, she told him. That whole speech was astounding.

“He stood, dumbfounded, feeling a surprising flush of ashamed guilt. And, for once, found himself without anything to say.”

 •chapter 32

 “Marsh said he’d leave a light burning if the other obligators were gone.”

I don’t like it. Ever since Marsh got the face tattoos I’ve had a bad feeling about him. I think he’s going to turn on Kell.

 Oh...Or the Inquisitors will turn on Marsh. I wasn’t expecting that. Never mind. Though, who knows what information they got out of him before they killed him.

Then again, how do we know for certain that is Marsh’s body? It could be a ploy to make them think Marsh is dead. It could be anyone and they would never know. They couldn’t exactly get a DNA test done, and his skin has been ripped off, so a positive ID is difficult.

 •Chapter 34 [LOTR, WOT, and Harry Potter spoilers—don’t want to assume everyone has read those]

 So Kell is the Gandalf/Moiraine of this story. One difference is he left behind a body, unlike those other two, so not sure if there will be any coming back for him. I suppose Dumbledore didn’t come back (at least physically), so it wouldn’t be the first time.

 •Chapter 36

In which Vin gets herself captured. Of course. In WOT it seemed like in just about every book someone was getting captured. It was one of my least favorite tropes of the series. Sometimes it was handled in an interesting way, but other times it was just annoying. I hope Vin is able to escape on her own rather than have to be rescued, and I hope this doesn’t become a recurring theme in this series.

 I made the mistake of looking at someone’s cosplay photo in the Mistborn sub-reddit, and it was an alternate reality version of Vin where she had been made into a Steel Inquisitor. When the Inquisitor was holding something, hit Vin, and it faded to black, I was terrified she was going to wake up with spikes through her eyes. I guess I won’t be clicking on anything else in that sub for the time being. It’s funny, for the most part I avoided reading anything online about WOT while I was reading that series, but for some reason I’m being more daring with this one. Of course, I didn’t have a reddit account at the time, so this is all new to me.

 Vin meets her father. Such a joyous family reunion. Aw, that didn’t last long. That wasn’t the confrontation I was expecting; more like a confrontation between him and the Inquisitors. There’s still time for a confrontation between Vin and Reen, I suppose.

 The Lord Ruler orders her execution, but the Inquisitor convinces him to let them use her for a while longer. There’s no way possible that plan will backfire and allow her to escape or be rescued.

 [The next paragraph contains spoilers for Wheel of Time book #2 The Great Hunt]

 As much as I would prefer Vin to escape, I have a feeling Elend is going to be the one to rescue her. Then again, [WOT spoilers] Rand didn’t rescue Egwene from the Seanchan, it was Nynaeve, Elayne, and Min, something that set that scene apart from the typical damsel in distress sequence. That said, I wish there were more major female characters in this book. A Nynaeve, Elayne, and/or* Aviendha to Vin’s Egwene/Min. So who else is there besides Elend? Maybe one of the other Mistings, I suppose, but it seems like they might be busy with the rebellion at the moment. Sazed already rescued her once, so I don’t see that happening again so soon.

(*and/or...Andor haha WOT jokes, I crack myself up. Sorry, I’ll see myself out.)

 •I’ve seen complaints about BS’s humor, but I’ve laughed at few things in this book, so maybe his sense of humor is similar to my own.

 •Chapter 37

“Valette...she went into the palace a few hours back. I’m sorry lad. She’s probably in the Lord Ruler’s dungeons right now—assuming she’s even still alive.”

I can see my suspicions about where this is going coming true already. Elend to the rescue! Oh well, at least she rescued him once already, even though he wasn’t aware of it.

Reen is dead, unless the Inquisitor is lying. So much for my predicted confrontation. I did say I was probably wrong. He died protecting her. Some part of him must have cared about her.

For a minute there I thought Sazed was going to need to be rescued as well, but looks like he might be the rescuer after all. And now Vin gets to protect Sazed. Out of the available outcomes, this was probably the most satisfying. And here comes Elend. So he has his part to play. But Vin gets to save them all, so once again, best possible outcome.

 •Chapter 38

“The Inquisitors would no longer bow before the dictates of inferior men.”

I wonder if the Inquisitors are the Terrismen the Lord Ruler was in contact with during his journey to the Eye of the World Well of Ascension. Some of them seemed to think they were superior to other men.

“A command of Allomancy...”

I guess not, since Terrismen don’t use Allomancy.

 •Turns out that wasn’t Marsh’s body. Marsh the Inquisitor. Rather disturbing. At least he’s still on the side of the good guys.

 •Ba’alzamon the Lord Ruler is defeated, but the Dark One Deepness is still left to threaten the world. For all this snark comparing it to WOT, this ending was satisfying.

 •The Lord Ruler turned out to not be the person who wrote the journal, but one of the Terrismen. I still wonder if he was possessed by the Deepness? The Lord Ruler used both Allomancy and Feruchemy, so maybe it is possible at least some of the Inquisitors were Terrismen. I guess that remains to be seen.

 •Vin came to the same realization about Reen that I did. That’s sweet.

 •Earlier I compared Vin to Egwene and Min, but obviously there is an aspect of her that is like Rand as well, seeing as how she is the main character, and she is the one who defeats the Lord Ruler.

This has been fun, at least for me. On to the next book.

[wolfrunner25]

I posted 177 times in 2021

121 posts created (68%)

56 posts reblogged (32%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.5 posts.

I added 834 tags in 2021

#goodmorning - 102 posts

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Longest Tag: 35 characters

#i'm really looking forward to this!

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

26 Oct 21

Good morning! “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough.”  -  Brene Brown

What is shame? The dictionary tells us it is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. Which can be true but, if you ask me, it is an inward-facing emotion that reflects how you feel about yourself. You don't have to have wrong or foolish behavior to feel shame. You can feel shame for things outside of your control. Thinks like abuse, or trauma that was done to you or around you. Shame can make you feel like you are not good enough for anyone or not good enough for anything. You can build yourself up through hard work and probably some therapy. It is never easy to change the way you think about the world around you but especially what you think about yourself. But it can be done. My wish for each of you today is that you can find that you are good enough. Have a fantastic day!

2 notes • Posted 2021-10-26 11:27:38 GMT

#4

21 Sept 21

Good Morning! “Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.”  - Hermann Hesse

The best thing we can do at times is to just let go of those things, or a place, or a person that just is not helping us to be the best version of ourselves. That can be very hard and it takes a bit of inner strength to do. It is much better to surround ourselves with things that help us to be the best we can be. Life is hard and there is no need to keep holding on to things that drag us down or hold us back. So my wish for each of you today is you are strong enough and able to let go when you need to.

2 notes • Posted 2021-09-21 11:31:45 GMT

#3

It’s National Coming Out day in the USA.

17 notes • Posted 2021-10-11 22:16:21 GMT

#2

So I finished my Spiderman cross stitch project. It goes along with my Ironman that I did. I really like the way it turned out. I got the pattern from Etsy. I also have a progression video I made from photos I took at the end of each stitching session. I started it 14 DEC 2020 and finished it 16 JAN 2021. It was stitched on 14 Ct. Aida cloth and I think the cloth color was Lite Oatmeal or Sand. I actually can’t remember but I think it was the oatmeal. The cloth and floss were by DMC. Size of the piece is approximately 7.25 in. x 10.75 in. (18.4 cm x 27.3 cm) I place it on a cardboard mount that is 11x14 inches ( 27.94 x 35.56 cm)

Cross stitching helps me manage my PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. It allows me to think about something other then the same old crap that circles in my head. I tell people I can’t be anxious and count stitches. Plus the subject matter is a lot of fun. This is going to be hung on my wall with my Ironman because I adore me some Irondad and Spiderson. I hope you enjoy my work.

So here is the link for the Video. 

Edit: Next project is the Hulk for those that might be curious.

28 notes • Posted 2021-01-17 21:13:57 GMT

#1

My thoughts on the WoT TV Show

First I want to say I have been reading Wheel of Time (WoT) since Eye of the World (EofW) was in paperback (the first time) and The Great Hunt (tGH) was still in hardback. So suffice to say, a long damn time that I've been a fan of these books. If they had made a TV show back then I would have been adamant that it be “Exactly” like the books. As I've gotten older I have mellowed a bit, not near as rigid in my thinking.

You see I understand now, that story telling in a book and story telling for a TV show or movie are two different animals. In a book you can give a lot of detail from a character's “inner” monologue which will not translate to a screen at all because it is the very thoughts of the character. You can not read their mind on screen. Yes, you could do a “voice over” for the thoughts but is that practical? Hell no. So you have to tell the story a different way. Also everything an author puts in their story probably wouldn't translate well at all to being on the screen.

I have the mind set of this is just a different turning of the Wheel. Just like when I read fanfiction I think of it as Alternate Universe. I have what I consider head cannon for certain things but I'm sure what I would consider cannon is not what someone else would think, and that is okay. Because if I want all the rich detail that RJ wrote into the series I can pull out my wonderful books and do a re-read.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are a few things I'm don't like as much. First thing that comes to mind is the Aes Sedai rings. I don't think they are practical to wear every day. The are large and would get in the way of everyday tasks. But I do get why they did them kinda of large. To draw peoples eyes to them. In the books people did notice an Aes Sedai's ring. But translated to a TV show, probably not. I might notice a ring if they linger on it in a camera shot but for the most part I don't pay much attention to it. There is usually a story that I am paying the most attention to. Again not the details like that. The other thing I'm missing is the Aes Sedai shawls. There is some shots in the trailer of the Hall of the Tower and no one is wearing one. I think in the formal setting like the Hall I personally would like to see them. But I guess they would be redundant since everyone is wearing clothes in the Ajah color. Again I get the change, it makes it easier for the viewer to say, “oh magic user”. I know in the books that AS tended to wear the color of their Ajah but for my head cannon it was never that obvious. So they could blend in with everyday folks in the streets if they were out and about not on official business.

Another thing I saw someone complaining about the heron marked sword Tam al'Thor had. It wasn't some old German sword design from like the 14th century or something. It was more like a Katana which isn't what RJ described. I think the poster was more offended that it wasn't RJ stuff word for word. I personally don't care what sword they use. It is a sword with a heron. Sweet, I like it.

Another poster complained that the women didn't wear skirts all the time. Holy shit...I don't want to imagine the nightmare of trying to ride a horse in a skirt, or fight in one. As one of the costume designers for the show said something like, These are actual working women doing hard work and true skirts are impracticable for that. Again a change I don't mind at all. I have never understood what is so great about skirts or dresses but maybe that's just me.

I guess what I want to say is that I really liked the TV show. I think it is enjoyable without being “stuck” on details and Robert Jordan's long winded explanations of every detail. Again, I love the books so I don't mind reading them. But for someone coming into a TV show having never read the books would be completely lost and it would be pretty much unwatchable. Its would take multiple long episodes just to get out of the Two Rivers. So things have to be cut for the sake of story telling. Which again I am okay with.

A few others have complained that this TV show is “too PC” and inclusive for them. Um.....you obviously haven't read the books at all. RJ wrote about all different kinds of people and their backgrounds. Hell even had “Pillow friends” in the books. The man was way ahead of his time when he started these books. I for one LOVED how he portrayed the different people in the books. He didn't whitewash them at all.

I know the show will never make all the “Hard core” fans happy. Hell if RJ had made this a TV show when he was still alive they would find things to complain about because its NOT what they see INSIDE their own head. But if you enjoy the show then great. If you don't then just don't watch it. If I don't like something then there is a great thing like an off button, or change the channel and watch something else. No one is forcing you to watch it if you don't like it. If enough people don't watch it then they will cancel it. I for one hope a lot of people like it. Maybe even some of the people who haven't read the books might pick one up and try it. Because I love talking about WoT. There is so much there to talk about.

I do hope you will give the show a chance if you haven't seen it. If you don't like it then just turn it off and don't watch it. But if you do like it, great and keep watching.

40 notes • Posted 2021-11-21 14:24:08 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[phoorn]

SWORD

I'm a writer, a cliche. When I was young writing was easy. Now it's hard. How?

Well, you get scared, don't you? And too ambitious. Your mouth's bigger than your stomach, your arms are puny.

And you're not at school any more. That's the tricky part. There's no Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. You need one, or you sit around wasting your one and only life. It's insane, but that's how it is.

So let me organise one. I, **** ***** do pledge to have written this new story I've come up with before seven days have passed. It's 10 Dec right now, so let's say I get it done by the end of 17 Dec, next Thursday.

I'll say a bit more about my situation. I've been published -- a small publisher, the book sank. I mean, I think people bought it. But I never saw any of the money. I'm not sure to this day if I got scammed.

That was quite some time ago. I was contracted to write a follow-up, but terrible things happened, I went mad, I had no idea what I was doing, I slinked away into the shadows. As I say, I'm not sure to this day if I got scammed. I'm also not sure if scammed my publisher. I've kept my head down since.

It's been quite some time since then. What have I done? Well, not much, right? I did nothing for many years. In the past couple of years I've done some writing, finished one story, nearly finished a bunch of others. I mean, I've always got to the end of the first draft. I've retired from the race every time somewhere about the middle of the second.

Some of these stories are ... not bad. The truth is, though, they're not amazing. They're not what someone of my ego would expect from someone who was published for the first time as early as I was.

I HAVE BEEN HUMBLED. God knows I needed it. You're not as good as you think you are. Someone on Youtube a while ago said something like the tricky thing is we think we're great because we know we have great taste. We read books and go, "I'd do that part better." "I hate how she does this. God, is she stupid?"

It's like watching streamers on Twitch. They are in fact better than their audience, but their audience goes, "Why did he get supply-blocked there?" It's cause he was doing a bunch of things you don't have the eye to notice, and he's 2000 MMR higher than you, shut up.

But I am getting better. I can see improvement in all these stories. Each one is mostly better than the last. Sometimes the ideas are worse, but they're still better-executed.

I just need to do more. I'm not young. It's a bit scary, to have considered yourself a writer all your life but not to have really practiced.

So that's that; there's my pledge. I'm gonna post a diary entry every day, too. Short. I won't go on and on. I like talking, you know. I like writing. But I have no writer friends to talk to. I don't think you need them. Talking does help, though. Some of my best story ideas come from my talking to myself, explaining to imaginary journalists how I made my millions.

I'm putting the source on Gitlab. If you know about Git, you'll know you'll be able to go look at all of the different revisions. You might find it fun. I've thought about streaming on Twitch, too, so you can watch every word, every hesitaiton. But thinking about it today made me nervous, so, no, I won't bother.

This secret blog is about enough for me. It's public, but not really, cause it's unknown. Pretty perfect.

Here follows the first day of notes. They actually written in my diary. I won't post notes like this again. It'll all be in the repo.

I should also say I don't plan to be very comprehensible here. I don't plan to be a blogger, though right now in the throws of enthusiasm it seems to me doing this (pledge, blog) for every story is a very intelligent thing to do. But it's a means to an end. The end, by the way, is riches, fame, an editor. I'd give my right arm for an editor.

FIRST DAY

2020-12-10T06:26:36+00:00

I'm not going back to mogen. No. One day I will. Let's do something new. Yes. 5,000 words for real. I've had plenty of ideas. As usual I'm influenced by things I've been reading.

Something I've always loved is spies. Really I mean "darkfriends". In the Wheel of Time, there's darkfriends -- they follow Shai'tan. Anyone could be one. It was the thing that made WoT really good. A Song of Ice and Fire has the same thing -- people aren't "darkfriends", but they can betray you. There's always danger.

Though in a short story I don't think I can do that. I could write a story about a guy who's found a spy. Or a guy who's a spy himself. Though that would involve coming up with a palace/court. But I wouldn't have to go into detail. Do I have one already? Not really.

There's also the shogun's wife idea. A story about a shogun's wife trying to keep him occupied, save him / the country in some way.

Since it's a short story it could be about her trying to get his mistress back. She's leaving because he's unstable. But the wife needs her back because she keeps him stable.

A story about a spy who needs to get some papers for his country. That'd need a few more thousand words to be worth it.

A dangerous world. That's another idea I've been having. I've written it down. Worlds with danger -- monsters, weather -- in them are the best. Middle Earth is dangerous. Randland (WoT's world) is dangerous (because of darkfriends). The Shadow of the Echo of All That is Lost's (James Islington's trilogy, not its real name) world is dangerous -- it's full of ancient, dangerous powers.

Another idea I've been having is about a magic that's only "items". Only objects of power, no power that a person can themselves wield. But I've always liked that, fuck knows why.

A story about a magic artefact. That sums up 90% of fantasy.

A fun story about a fun girl.

Which of these do I want to write? I'll look briefly through my story ideas first.

OK, something important: I've made a note to write a story about a character that wants something, needs something else and cant have either. This is how Brandon Sanderson writes. I will make sure to do that.

Another pertinent note: it says to think of the "perfect" world, thinking of all the books, games and films I've read/played/watched.

Middle Earth: loneliness, emptiness. Xenoblade Chronicles: a world on a God's body. Final Fantasy VII: Midgar, black pipes. Final Fantasy VI: cold waste, mechs. The Shadow of the Whatever: an ancient place filled with dormant, dangerous things. WoT: the atmosphere of the first and second novels. The world isn't amazing, come to think about it.

CJ Cherryh's Alliance Universe: it's sci-fi, but there's a lovely tenuous feel. Everyone's vulnerable going through space, everyone's weak.

OK, let's think about that. There's a new season of Attack of Titan. That's got an incredible premise. I could do something similar.

Rather than huge monsters, let's have small beautiful people. Who are kind and intelligent. That's scary because you're the bad guy.

You're an ancient monster. You're perverted, you love fear and pain. Or maybe you're a human. And perverted -- actually perverted but also basically normal. But the "monsters" are these beautiful creatures. They're elven. And they have no respect for you. They'll lock you up or kill you if they find you.

You WANT: To be accepted You want to be one of them You've found a magic spell that can make you into one of them To escape To kill them all, start the human rebellion To escape with A magic artifact Something that could kill them all A weapon that could be used to wage war A portal or ship that could take you to the moon Your mother sister girlfriend father The monsters are: Humans that changed themselves Using a spell They gave themselves magic powers They look just like you, so you can't tell who's who at a glance You can tell pretty quickly, though

It seems ... OK. What the opposite of perfect monsters? Imperfect humans. Maybe it's our guy who is perfect. No, I wouldn't know how to write that.

Let's just try out a lot of these wants and needs.

He WANTS: To be accepted. He NEEDS: To live happily, discrimination-free?

So, he wants to be one of them, but needs to just be accepted. That's fine.

How does he go about getting what he wants? How do you become someone else? He could use the same magic spell they did. He could use a different one. They somehow do it the real way, he the fake way. A bit like Gattaca.

Let's make the community small. It's not a world, just a village. An interesting village, and this will have something to do with what changed the rest of them.

Well, first, how about people start disappearing and appearing outside? It's a bit Attack on Titan. And not that original. Really cool, though.

But that wouldn't come into it. That would have already happened. And maybe wouldn't be explained. So, they became the superior humans by this mysterious mechanism. He's trying to fake it.

They all left and seemed to become really happy/intelligent/healthy. But they won't come back into the city.

They keep disappearing. Are they being taken? I think yes. Finally our guy is the only one left in the town. And he leaves, tries to become one of them.

They look different. They're covered in hair. So he shaves all the dogs and cats in the city, covers himself in their hair and leaves.

He finds a small camp of them. They don't accept him.

Or they do, though they know he's not one of them. I mean, they don't care. Or maybe they do. Maybe whenever he gets close they leave. Or maybe they just accept him. Do what you want, they say. They don't run away. But they don't really talk to him.

If they run away, that'd be cool. Nasty. Lonely for him. If not, you'd be able to see what they say. Maybe it's only when he covers himself in fur they let him stay. But they know he's not one of them.

He'd need to figure out what happened to them. In the end he doesn't do it in time and they all leave.

Or maybe he does figure it out and they leave. He just doesn't get something.

So what is it?

A drug A book A religion A small sphere They keep going to the sphere, standing around, then leaving When he finds it, he stands around He doesn't feel anything, but he changes to look like them The next time he sees them, they're walking -- not as a group He follows, tries to talk to them and they don't say anything. A minstrel

That's a nice mystery. It's got a nice feel to it. Btw I just took a small detour -- 2020-12-10T08:17:37+00:00 -- to make rsn's random number not be based on the time.

Randomness in programs. You start by "seeding" a random number generator. The classic way to do this is "srand (time (NULL))". srand takes an integer. time (NULL) returns the current second (since the start of Unix time).

The problem with with this approach is if you run the program more than once in a second you get the same result. Because the seed is the same.

Now I'm reading from /dev/random:

int fd = open ("/dev/random", 0); int seed; if (fd != -1) { ssize_t ret = read (fd, &seed, sizeof seed); if (ret != sizeof seed) { /* warn ("Couldn't read from /dev/random: using time (NULL) instead"); */ seed = time (NULL); } } else seed = time (NULL); srandom (seed); if (fd != -1 && close (fd)) err (1, "Couldn't close /dev/random");

You will see it defaults to time (NULL) if for some reason /dev/random can't be opened.

/dev/random is a psuedo device. Linux "collects" entropy over time and sticks it in a kind of pool. I have no idea how that works. But you can read random numbers from /dev/random.

Back to the story. It's a nice mystery, one of those what's-going-on stories. Do I explain what's going on? Stephen King says that stories that don't show the monster are cheating. But when you do show the monster you lose something.

Let's just come up with a half-explanation. Like a book, drug or sphere. But say nothing else.

Maybe instead of them leaving they go back to the village and don't let him back in. "Get the fuck out! And stay out!" Or they just acts as if nothing's happened.

Maybe it's him that's put them out there. Magic.

How could he be responsible? It'd be hard for it to be him, if they're supposed to be content.

Maybe they're experiencing something more. They're actually logged into the magical multiverse net.

Maybe he spoils it in some way. And they don't get to ascend.

The important thing is what's the thing that's brought them out there.

It's got to be something weird or incredible. Let's favour weird. Let's get some random sentences:

Its a garbed jollified Its a refractable corrugate Its a remindful hiccupping Its a backboneless chum Its a upland erase Its a cacuminal compart Its a accented bishoping Its a emendatory deceive Its a isoperimetrical reground Its a agrostological appear Its a urticant hinnied Its a reunionistic presses Its a homodont barber Its a unscrupulous cellars Its a psychic harp Its a Laodicean prevaricate Its a clipped hurries Its a quartic worst Its a stimulant eulogised Its a tangiest processes Its a numerable dosing Its a cornered totalizes Its a raggle-taggle focussed Its a sacrificial dissuade Its a synoicous enable Its a kingly recapped Its a unconscionable woofs Its a silver depone Its a self-confessed heathenized Its a led flocks Its a microseismical cons Its a hypodermal rehangs Its a fogless trephined Its a urbanized mutating Its a bewitching trauchling Its a boozy untruss Its a unanxious blow-dries Its a elenctic platinise Its a usurpative alleviates Its a unsatisfiable overbids Its a Jugoslav embedded Its a redder booby-trap Its a torn rinsing Its a intelligible fans Its a decorative restrict Its a annalistic bandying Its a oral shikars Its a sejant outlast Its a sapindaceous mussitate Its a evoked antiquates Its a secular impaled

Of those I like:

Its a psychic harp Its a accented bishoping Its a silver depone Its a backboneless chum Its a refractable corrugate Its a secular impaled

A psychic harp. That's straightforward. It'd be just sitting out there, playing itself sometimes. Or is someone playing it? Our guy thinks about going up there, touching the empty space. That's scary.

The accented bishoping -- an accented bishop. Just a bishop, sitting out there on the hills. Not that great.

Its a silver depone. I'm not sure what a depone is. But it doesn't matter. I've settled on the psychic harp.

It's psychic. That means it can hear your thoughts. It can communicate, though, but only in music. Is it communicating, our guy thinks?

It could play folk songs. Our guy would know the words. But he'd know various words and wouldn't get far.

Maybe the crux of the story is the meaning of the tune it's playing. Is it "My Johnny Went off to War" or "The Silver Plate", which is about a woman who kills herself because her Johnny cheats on her?

Or maybe the songs are about the town, or God. Let's just say he listens and changes. He thinks about marching to war. And then everyone leaves.

Probably best to not bother with the words stuff. Won't be able to make it work. It's just a mesmerising tune, and it changes him.

And then people leave. This is fine. Will people think it's just weird / feel unsatisfied? I can't know.

I'm feeling a little self-conscious now because I'm thinking I'll go post this on my blog, announce that I'm going to finish this story in a week, put the repo on Gitlab, stream this on Twitch. I like the idea of it. Probably best not to bother with Twitch.

Alright, let's plan that. Where to post? I can stick it on my Tumblr. Toks has made a website, apparently. I could do the same. I won't, though.

Today Make repo, stick it on Gitlab. Write post for Tumblr, include these notes. Write All characters, names, etc -- temp names -- wants, needs Synopsis Clean kitchen Call Mother Put money on phone Read

[chaosbisexual]

1-92 mofo

FUCK RIGHT OFF MATE OK 

(lov u)

i took off the ones abt sex except for 1 bc i can 

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

on tumblr…. it was u babe so take that how u like 

on imessage… no my dude 

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

NOPE MY EX IS ON DRUGS 

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

ehhhhh idk possibly 

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

no but like he’s in my classes?

6. What are you excited for?

yr 10 formal and finished for the year 

7. What happened tonight?

i made fajitas watched youtube and read fic,,, but it’s only 7pm 

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no do what u want… i just get annoyed when straight girls are suddenly making out with every other girl in sight BC BITCH Y CAN’T THE GAY GIRL GET SOME

9. Is confidence cute?

y e s self love is super hot 

10. What is the last beverage you had?

tea11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

like one or two? 

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

three actually THEY MAKE MY BUTT LOOK GOOD

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

refer to 7 

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

bus fare 

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

what kiss 

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

yes what the hell 

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

uhhhhhhhh like leah, the space gals, and my pal steph 

18. The last time you felt broken?

probs yesterday 

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

i can’t study and i hate having feelings for people 

21. Are you in a good mood?

eh im in neutral u made it better tho lmao 

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

yea y not 

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

no i am harry potter in which i have my Mother’s eyes

24. What do you want right this second?

more fajitas 

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

…huh 

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

yes but i think due to the sun it’s a bit lighter than usual 

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no omg humour is important

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

the vid u sent me 

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yep my mother 

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

i think so but there’s a line between 2 chances and 50 and if you have to give someone more than like 2 extra chances drop them lol 

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

no he’s a butt but he’s ok and he helped me make fajitas 

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

look i honestly don’t know but if he doesn’t then H O W 

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

lmao no i wish 

34. Listening to?

africa by toto, next in the queue is paint by the paper kites

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

yes my last test was in pencil 

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

again w the whole NO ONE HAS KISSED ME THING 

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no love is not purely based on appearance lol 

38. Who did you last call?

the guy who i’m doing my psych pres with

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

my pal nat in a stationary shop 

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

HMMM AGAIN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

props like the last time my history teacher brought them to class

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

nope lol 

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

YES CONSTANTLY 

44. Do you tan in the nude?

whats tanning dont know her 

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

IF THIS HAPPENS ONE M O R E TIME 

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

nope i wish tho 

47. Who was the last person to call you?

my dad

48. Do you sing in the shower?

hell yea i do 

49. Do you dance in the car?

hell yea i do 

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

yea twice 

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

like 3 weeks ago for a school thing but the angle was gross 

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

NO THEY ARE MY LIFE AND SOUL 

53. Is Christmas stressful?

YES I LOVE SHOPPING BUT NEVER HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR EVERYONE 

ok i can’t be bothered to do the the format like that anymore rip nice structure

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

a wot

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

apple and blueberry 

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

vet or journalist, still wanna write to some degree lol 

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

i think there is something beyond what we see but idk 

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

yes omg sometimes before i travel to somewhere new i dream abt the place and then i get there and im LIKE I HAVENT BEEN HERE BEFORE WHY DO I KNOW IT and it’s bc i dreamt abt it

59. Take a vitamin daily?

HHAHAHAHAHAH

60. Wear slippers?

no BAREFOOT BBY 

61. Wear a bath robe?

nah dressing gown tho 

62. What do you wear to bed?

t shirt dress or men’s shirt 

63. First concert?

taylor swift im sorry 

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

K MART BITCH 

65. Nike or Adidas?

nike but i dont wear either 

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

CHEETOS WE DONT HAVE FRITOS IN AUS 

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

peanuts dude

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

currently sparks fly or the live back to december 

69. Ever take dance lessons?

NO I GOT FRIENDS WHO DANCE THO

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

lowkey want to marry a painter or a designer 71. Can you curl your tongue?

yeee boii 72. Ever won a spelling bee?

nahh 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

YE at my sister’s wedding and at the disco last year lmao 

74. What is your favorite book?

hp, trc, or i’ll give you the sun 

75. Do you study better with or without music?

wWITH 

76. Regularly burn incense?

nah got a wax burner

77. Ever been in love?

ppffft i wish 

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

hozier, arctic monkeys, the lumineers, dua lipa, lorde, hippo campus, the weeknd

79. What was the last concert you saw?

taylor swift but i’ve been to like festivals since then? 

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

hot but since summer is a comin 

81. Tea or coffee?

tea

82. Favorite type of cookie?

white choc macadamia 

83. Can you swim well?

i could before i got boobs

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

yes 

85. Are you patient?

NOPE 

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

baND (mostly bc last time i went to a wedding w band the singer was HOT and she could sing like beyonce) 

87. Ever won a contest?

uhhh i think so?

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

nope lol 

89. Which are better black or green olives?

don’t eat either!

91. Best room for a fireplace?

LIVING ROOM OR BEDROOM GUY 

92. Do you want to get married? 

i think so but also i cannot understand why anyone would want to marry me 

ok i lov u more than i love steve harrington have a good night lad ! this was v long i hope ur happy 

[hoseastudy]

Day 14:  Knowing You

Good morning!  This verse has been on my heart the past few days - Psalm 51:6  "Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom."  I don't want to come across as super spiritual or any kind of remotely superior or perfect person.  Those of you who know me well, know all to well that I have my ups and downs.  My walk with the Lord definitely goes through seasons - sometimes it's summer, sometimes it's autumn, sometimes it's winter....and sometimes it's spring.  For whatever reason right now it seems to be spring and I feel like the Lord is just speaking to my heart wonderful new things that I can't help but share.  This isn't always the case.  For those of you who are reading this daily I want you to know I don't take your heart or your time lightly and to say it is a privilege for you to share both with me is an extreme understatement.  I. am. so. honored.    Thank you.  So I'm searching my heart, desiring to be truthful with you and with the Lord in my innermost being.   In the secret places of my heart I desire for the Lord to make me know wisdom.  Will you take a minute to ponder this verse as well?  Take some time journal and get your heart right...

Something else that's been on my heart lately is that in life it's really easy to focus on the destination instead of enjoying the journey.  In school we tend to focus on the grade instead of learning something.  At work it can at times be about being finished instead of doing our best.  At the grocery store it's easy to never look up to notice the cashier because the goal is to be done instead of offering kindness and sharing the love of Christ with others.  It's been easy for me at times to rush through my time with the Lord so that I can get on with the rest of the day.  I'm trying to chuck this perspective.  I'm seeking to still my heart, cease striving, and focus on knowing Him.  Can I encourage you this morning to be all here?   I promise if you do, the rest of the day will take care of itself. :)  Go ahead and let the music begin to play...

Hosea 2:20  And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD.  וְאֵרַשְׂתִּ֥יךְ לִ֖י בֶּאֱמוּנָ֑ה וְיָדַ֖עַתְּ אֶת־יְהוָֽה׃ ס 

Faithfullness:  'ĕmûnâh

Brown-Driver-Brigg's Definition - firmness, fidelity, steadfastness, steadiness

Strong's Definition - literally firmness; figuratively security; moral fidelity: - faith (-ful, -ly, -ness, [man]), set office, stability, steady, truly, truth, verily.

Know:  yâda‛

Brown-Driver-Brigg's Definition - to know, learn to know to perceiveto perceive and see, find out and discern to discriminate, distinguish to know by experience to recognise, admit, acknowledge, confess to considerto know, be acquainted withto know (a person carnally)to know how, be skilful into have knowledge, be wiseto be made known, be or become known, be revealedto make oneself knownto be perceivedto be instructedto cause to knowto be knownknown, one known, acquaintance (participle)to make known, declareto be made knownto make oneself known, reveal oneself

Strong's Definition - A primitive root; to know (properly to ascertain by seeing); used in a great variety of senses, figuratively, literally, euphemistically and inferentially (including observation, care, recognition; and causatively instruction, designation, punishment, etc.): - acknowledge, acquaintance (-ted with), advise, answer, appoint, assuredly, be aware, [un-] awares, can [-not], certainly, for a certainty, comprehend, consider, X could they, cunning, declare, be diligent, (can, cause to) discern, discover, endued with, familiar friend, famous, feel, can have, be [ig-] norant, instruct, kinsfolk, kinsman, (cause to, let, make) know, (come to give, have, take) knowledge, have [knowledge], (be, make, make to be, make self) known, + be learned, + lie by man, mark, perceive, privy to, X prognosticator, regard, have respect, skilful, shew, can (man of) skill, be sure, of a surety, teach, (can) tell, understand, have [understanding], will be, wist, wit, wot.

He is saying He will betroth you to Himself in faithfulness, and then you will know Him.  How does looking up the original language make this verse more meaningful to you?  It's easy to think that looking up the Hebrew or Greek words is something only for pastors or professors.  But in reality it is simply just reading what it actually says in God's word.  So much is lost in translation.  It's like the difference between watching the movie and reading the book.  I am passionate about teaching others how simple yet profound this can be.  If this has meant something to you, it would mean so much to me if you would teach others in your sphere of influence likewise :)

How wonderful that in my relationship with the Lord, He is faithful to me.  His love toward me is firm, stable, steadfast, secure, and true. How wonderful He has betrothed us to Himself in justice, righteousness, lovingkindness, compassion, and faithfulness.  All of this culminates in the last phrase..."And then we will KNOW the Lord."

This word yada.  I could meditate on this word indefinitely.  This word has so much depth and seemingly infinite meaning.  I encourage you to ponder this word for a while this morning.  Read over the definitions and write in your journal all of the parts that are meaningful to you.

Philipians 3:7-11 But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ.  More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Ephesians 3:14-19 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

Beloved the veil has been torn!  You truly can know the Lord.  I'm praying for you.  I love you.  And as always..

Have a God day!

Love, Tessa