#and even tho some of them are meant to be eerie or sad i just feel. relaxed

[wereh0gz]

I've been here for like over an hour just listening to music and downloading it to use for speedpaints and fuck man the oneshot ost is so fucking good. Fuck

[youryanderedaddy]

Lady Luck (pt. 1)

I was so hyped to write this lol. Heavily inspired by Kaiji <3

Tw: mafia mention, unrealistic potrayal of mafia, mentions of threats, implied obssessive behavior (will get more hardcore in the second part tho), mentions of gambling, kidnapping /not reader/

 You knew that you were a scum, a lowlife, a miserable loser without much hope in life - that’s exactly why you had no problem joining the deadliest underground paradise and following under the steps of the Lucciano family. They controlled everything - the casinos, the drugs, the guns, the whores, you name it - they provided it. And you had nothing - neither a past, nor a future. But everything changed when the oldest son Thomas decided to help you get out of the mud and step onto your legs - he gave you a home, a friend to return to, a shoulder to cry on when reality felt too painful and harsh, just too much to bear on your own. “Why would you do that for a stranger?” You had asked him once while tipsy, sitting by the hearth, a slight blush adorning your soft cheeks. “That’s easy.” The man had responded right away without giving it much thought. “You remind me of myself.”

 You spent long nights thinking about his words but never came to a conclusion - he was born into a powerful, wealty family, so it made no sense for him to have experienced rock bottom the way you had. And his small black eyes displayed such a variety of terryfing emotions - bloodlust, greed, sin and so much sadness. Why would a monster ever feel scared, you wondered. 

 Working for the Luccianos wasn’t especially hard or even dangerous - you ran small errands for them, took care of the younger kids, helped with insignificant deals, acted as a croupier when their staff was sick or missing or had to be taken care of, but one thing you were thankful for was how they never tried to force you into doing something you would never be able to forgive yourself for. Thomas was kind to you -  always so considerate, willing to listen, to understand how you felt even when the worlds you two lived in differed so greatly. He was supposed to be villain of the story, big and scary, demanding, taking whatever he wants without asking and never feeling an ounce of regret about it. And for a while, you were suspicous of the man’s every move - you were desperately waiting for the mobster to fuck up and show his true colours so you could let yourself hate him, despise him. And yet the sweet, sweet moment of revelation never came. You knew, of course, of the many evil deeds the criminal bestowed upon thousands of innocent people each and every day, but you never witnessed it with your own eyes and when the man was treating you like a part of his family, holding you close and giving you chance after chance to prove yourself, it was slowly getting impossible to view him as the bad guy. Perhaps you should have waited just a little longer.

 It happened during a warm, spring day. You didn’t expect it, you couldn’t. You had just finished your shift at midnight in the small shop you worked in, which belonged to Thomas’ mother, and were heading to the Lucciano mansion. It had been a particularly long and exhausting day, so you wanted nothing more than to feel the soft, silky, white sheets down your half-naked body while the quiet classical music took you to dream land and back. But upon opening the heavy wooden door, you quickly noticed something was different - there was no music, the big black TV in the middle of the hall was set to camera mode instead of the normal one, and it was awfully quiet. “They must have had to leave the country for a while.” You rationalised. “It has happened before after all.” You kept reassuring yourself while taking a tiny step towards the centre of the room where light was the strongest - it could uncover every hidden little detail.

 And then the TV was turned on. You shifted your gaze up, paranoia eating at you from inside out. Soon there was clear image on the massive screen, but what you saw left you speechless. There were hours of footage from your personal life - working, hanging out with friends, eating, bathing. What made the shivers down your spine run cold was a scene where a guy, your boyfriend, was kissing you, touching you, undressing you with his praying eyes. It was nothing unusual for a young woman to have a love life, but this broke the only rule Thomas had told you upon entering the house - you were forbidden from having close relationships with men, especially dangerous ones, and for the longest time, you had no issue living by that as long as you came back to the luxury and warmth the mobster provided for you. Until you met him - a charming, clever member of a local gang. You knew it was wrong and could cost you more than you were willing to sacrifice and yet you still gave in. It was your first time experiencing the highs and lows of love, so who could blame you when it was such a magical feeling, a mixture of adrenaline and opium. Alex made you feel like a real human being instead of someone just existing, leeching off the stronger, wealthier species.

 There was a shadow moving out from the corner, playing into your delusions. But soon enough you realised it was all a reality as none other than Thomas walked slowly towards you, clapping his hands dramatically, a sly smirk on his beautiful, scarred face. Did he...

 "Congratulations." The man started off, dark eyes set on you, slowly coming closer and closer like a big black hole, ready to swallow you whole. "You went and got yourself a little boy - toy." The criminal chuckled viciously under his breath, making you cringe at the crude nickname he used. The situation felt surreal and yet the fear and panic were already suffocating you, making you dizzy wish regret. "I wish you would have told me though... I never thought someone I hold so important would lie to me." The mobster kept rambling, waving his arms in the air theatrically, while holding a lit cigarette, but never moving it to his lips - it was just a prop, a way to create a thick smoke mist in your eyes. It was finally the hour of judgement.

 "What do you want?" You asked, faking confidence, desperate to take control of what was happening. It was a bizarre thing to see your dearest friend act in such a eerie, frightening way, almost treating you like one of his victims - nothing more than an indebted bastard or an unfortunate bystander, unlucky enough to catch a deal unfolding right behind the scenes. It hurt but you had forced this upon yourself and you had to fix it.

 "Nothing much, really." Thomas replied, finally inhaling the deadly smoke into his open mouth. He played with his collar for a while, as if you weren't standing there, scared for your life. "I just want to teach you a lesson in obedience, doll." The mafioso continued, circling you slowly, his heavy gaze never leaving your body. You felt awfully exposed even when all your clothes were present, covering every inch of your skin. With a swift snap of his fingers, the man summoned most of the gorillas that worked under him. Two of them were dragging your kicking, screaming boyfriend towards the centre of the room, but a quick punch in the guts managed to quiet him down. He looked terrified, his face bloody and injured, covered in dust and misery. But he was still alive and only that mattered to you.

 "I wanted to make this entertaining for all of us." The oldest Lucciano spoke out, his husky voice echoing trough the golden ceiling. He moved over to your lover and harshly pressed the cigarette butt against the exposed skin of his unprotected arm. The man cried out in pain, silently pleading you to help with his big, terrified eyes. And here you were, as helpess as he was - if not even more. "So I decided to initiate a little gamble of sorts, ya know?" Thomas winked at you, smiling with malice. You couldn't help, but recall all the times you two had played poker together, betting less than pocket change. You never understood why the man always got so excited despite winning such small sums, especially when his casinos already did well. But now you could see it clearly - he got off crushing his opponent, taking the victory under their noses. Money meant nothing. As long as he was able to ruin your mood, your life, the man was pleased.

 Soft white light lit up the furthest corners of the hall and you saw dozen square boxes, arranged in a circle. It looked harmless enough on its own, still they were stamped with Thomas’ symbol - a dove. You used to wonder why someone in the most dangerous depts of mafia would choose such an innocent, sweet signature pf representation and now the answer was right in front of you - that way it was easier to trick the enemy into thinking they were safe. And how wrong were they. 

 “As you can see, there are nine wooden boxes in total. They look exactly the same and on top of each one there is a hole.” Thomas stopped to point at them, the raw anticipation flooding his otherwise dull pupils. “Six of the boxes are empty. In the other three though, there are placed some of the most poisonous snakes in the world. One bite and you are dead.” The madman gave a loud, breathy laugh while your boyfriend squirmed uncomfortably in place, restrained by the strong arms, holding him down. “Both of you will take four turns putting your hand in the boxes. After every round the box would be closed off and you would be able to choose only from the remaining ones. ” The mobster grinned widely, looking at your horrified expression. You couldn’t believe that the man was willing to put your lives on the line simply because you had neglected one of his orders. “Now you may be wondering where the suspence is - after all you would probaby manage to hear the hissing from afar and avoid the place it comes from. Rest assured, my foolish little friends. Right now the snakes are heavily intoxicated and absolutely silent - which doesn’t mean, of course, that they won’t attack any soft flesh they see. If you die, that’s on you, but if you survive, you will be rewarded.” Thomas clapped his hands together and his man let go of your lover, resulting in his falling to the ground with a heavy bang. Thomas pursed his lips together.

 “Shall we get started?”

[irondad-not-ironsad]

WandaVision Episode 1 Reaction

Spoilers below!!

I enjoy the music over the marvel logo

But also a 43 second logo feels kinda long for a 29 minute episode- is it just for the premier or is this gonna happen before each ep?

Also I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that there is a title sequence, which will probably be similar in length. Combine that with the lengthy credits people have been complaining about, it seems that the percentage of the thirty minutes that is actually the story is lower than it should be

not that I don’t love a good title sequence! But I’ll take a well fleshed out episode over fancy logos, title sequences and credits any day

now that I’ve got that of my chest, on to the actual show

I like how they have the frame shaped like that of an old timey tv, combined with the black and white it really adds to the old timey sit come vibe

I like these bells

Ok I know I complained about to much time being wasted with logos and such, but i LOVE how cheesy this theme song is and I love them showing vision and Wanda driving tp there house in wedding attire

“A regular husband and wife” 2 seconds late *vision disappears into a cloud of sparkles*.... 1 minute 8 seconds in and I love this 

Even there acting is reminiscent of an old timey sit com this is amazing

feel like I should note he title sequence ends at the 1.36 mark approximately, which may not seem like a lot but again the show is less than thirty minutes so it adds up

Wanda talks with a fifties accent: I already love this show

Also I wish I had magic I could use to clean, I’m moving back into my dorm right now and Wanda’s powers would be SO helpful

Also I LOVE the laugh track

Also Wanda’s short curly hair is so cute

I love how neither of them knows what the heart means so they play it off by being like “yeah of course I know what it means, how could I forget? Do YOU remember what it means

Also Vision is literally part computer shouldn’t he have a photographic memory? 

Also how old is Wanda? I could have sworn someone said she was 19 in civil war, which would make her like 21 here? I think?? Idk tho, as a 19 year old I don’t think she has ever looked 19 in the movies, even back in Ultron she looked at least in her mid twenties

The face Vision makes when he makes himself human is so funny

Also Vision blowing Wanda a kiss and her reaching back to grab it is the perfect amount of corny that makes it still cute

Also I wonder what vision’s job is

The backing music is so funny

I can already tell Agnes is going to be some great comic relief in a show that’s already hilarious

“I assure you, I’m married. To a man. A HUMAN one!” I know I’ve said before that I was never the biggest fan of Wanda or Vision but I love Wanda in this show

Obv there is something clearly off here, but I feel like I need to mention that it’s clear this is some warped reality. If I had never seen any of the MCU before, I may believe it was just  witch and her robot husband living in the fifties, but the little details really make it clear to the audience (the majority of whom I am sure are familiar with the mcu) that something is off. This scene is one of those, where Wanda cannot seem to recall how long her and Vision have been together and plays it off by saying “It feels like we always have been together”

Is Agnes giving Wanda advice for the bedroom? is this really what I’m watching? Or have I wildly misinterpreted this?

Love the old timey lingo

Vision working a desk job is so funny

Love that vision doesn’t even know what they do at his job, I know it’s part of the false reality thing but also lowkey relatable

“you’re like a walking computer” “I most certainly am not! I’m a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter”

I started this like twenty minutes ago and have only gotten 7 minutes in because I keep stopping to type my reactions. I am going to try to shut up and watch, and stop screaming about every little detail for a bit 😂

Real quick though does Vision just go by Vision at work?

Ope apparently he does. 

I wonder if Vision took Wanda’s last name

Or is he Vision Stark-Banner since it was Tony and Bruce who made him??

He probably isn’t called that but I think it would be funny if he was

Love that instead of writing “dinner with boss” or “Dinner w/ Harts” or even just “Harts” he drew a freaking heart like im dying

if my lack of emojis seems weird I’m typing this on a computer which I never normally do and I’m to lazy to pull up the emoji keyboard, so basically imagine there’s a cry laughing emoji after everything funny

“No skeletons in the closet?’ “I don’t have a skeleton sir.”

Yup I was right, Agnes is giving her sexy time advice

“you should stumble when you walk in a room so he can catch you. It’s romantic!” that is the only way I will be flirting from now on

Also I got to say, I'm guessing it’s a fifties thing but those pointy bras don’t look comfortable

So she answers the phone “Vision Residence” Is Vision also their last name now? Does he go by Vision Vision??

They make the best facial expressions

This phone conversation where Wanda think they’re having a date night whereas Vision is talking about his boss coming for dinner is comedy GOLD

also I love the fact that they’re giving us stereotypical sitcom drama while keeping it clear that there are bigger problems than dinner with the boss

Fake commercial break is at 9.56 (these time stamps are for myself I want to calculate how much of the episode is actually the story)

I do love the fake commercials tho! And I suppose in a way they ARE part of the show

They missed the chance to make it the toastmate three thousand and make every ironman fan cry

The beeping toaster sounds like a ticking bomb..... also the little red light is the only color we’ve seen this episode I think

Commercial ends at 10.46

Also love that it was an SI toaster, still wish they had made it 3000 instead of 2000

How did Wanda confuse Mr. Hart with her husband? Not that I’m complaining, her coming out in a robe and covering Vis’ Boss’ eyes is HILARIOUS

“This is the traditional Sokovian greeting? Didn’t I tell you my wife is from Europe?” “How exotic!” “We don’t break bread with Bolsheviks”

Visions pants are SO high waisted

“It’s our anniversary!” “Our anniversary of WHAT?” “WELL IF YOU DON”T KNOW I”M NOT GONNA TELL YOU”

Poor Vision is trying to figure out what kind of company he works for this is sooo funny

Agnes coming in clutch with a full meal

So Wanda needs the ingredients in order to magic a meal she can’t just make one appear

Vision breaking into song was amazing

How did one chicken turn into like 30 eggs

Vision is singing old McDonald with his bosses wife this is great

“Diane!” “That must be my wife summoning me!” “She calls you Diane?” “Yes... it’s her pet name for me” “I’m coming... Fred”

So many clichés in this show but it’s done in such a purposeful way that it’s still funny

Also we have only seen three rooms: the kitchen, the living room and Vision’s workplace

“Well I think tonight’s going SWIMMINGLY”

Mrs. Hart is SO NOSY

But I love that they don’t know the answers

Wanda looks SO disturbed when Mr. Hart is demanding her and visions story, you can tell her mind is fighting itself and it’s so sad

Mr. Hart is choking, is it bad that I think he deserves it?

Mrs. Hart keeps cheerily repeating stop it, and gone is the stereotypical sitcom camera angles and and the backing music is switched for something eery

This is lowkey scary, Mr. Hart Dying while his wife keeps cheerily saying Stop It and it just feels creepier the more she repeats

Wanda looks distressed and vision is just looking to her for what to do, her old timey accent is gone and she sounds nearly robotic as she tells Vision to help

Poor Wanda, she is so clearly going through it mentally right now

Laugh track is back, and just like that the Harts are leaving, despite only having one bite of food

And somehow Mr. Hart is impressed? Was Wanda rewriting reality to make them so?

I know that this is clearly some alternate reality and nothing is right, but wanda and vision deciding to choose that day as there anniversary and this little convo here is soooooo cute

Aw her making them rings and them both saying I do is soooo cute

And vision saying “and they lived happily ever after’ is so sweet but also so sad in context

What is that little remote vision is holding meant to be?

And love the hexagon closing in on them with the cute music playing to end the episode

Are the people in these credits real? Because it lists the start as Wanda Maximoff and Vision but are the rest actual people?

So there is some sketchy dude watching the maybe fake credits so there's something going on there

The actual credits start with 7.13 left and I’ve been told there's no mid or post credits scene. I’ll let them play while I finish this up anyways

8 minutes and 49 seconds of this show is the logo, title sequence and credits. Out of 29.36 total this means only 20 minutes and 47 seconds is the show, which I suppose is standard for a sitcom but I think I felt deceived by it showing as 29 minutes

Also 50 seconds of “commercial takes the show time down to 19.57 if anyone was wondering

I swear tho I’m not all that bothered by the length, just did the math in case anyone was curious like I am. 

I thought I was going to really enjoy this going it, but it still really surpassed my expectations and I can’t wait for episode 2!

This is my raw reactions, but I’m sure that as I mull it over more I’ll be posting more about the show

This is somehow a perfect combo of lighthearted comedy and mild horror

I wanna let this episode stew for a while, so I prob won’t watch episode 2 for at least a day

Also what are your guys’ thoughts on this format of reaction? Did I write to much?

Also what did y’all think of this episode? Feel free to let me know what you think of my reaction, and whether you agree or disagree. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

[senpaiisimp]

Don’t take him!

~Yuji Itadori x reader~

Warning: Little death mentions

I  have a lot of fun writing short things for Yuji. I have other things for the others, they just aren’t finished yet :~

I think it's fair to say everyone in their lifetime had that one person that made their lives better. That connection that never broke even in the dark times. For Y/N that person was Itadori Yuji. He was the nicest boy one could ever meet. 

Y/N had problems with families when they were little. After their parents were killed or “in an accident” as the police stated. Y/N knew better. There was something else,a spirit or something. They couldn't see it but the presence left the house with them and then their parents and the spirit never returned. Being alone didn’t bother Y/N, they were always alone. It didn't bother them till they were forced into a different situation every few months.

Being an orphan in a public school wasn’t nice either. All the kids could talk about their families when they got the dreaded family tree project every year. “What are your parents like L/N-chan?” kids always asked. “Make sure to invite your parents to the parent night!” The teacher always said. Primary school sucked to say the least. Well at first it did…

“Itadori-kun picked up a bug!!” The girls squealed and the boys stared in awe. Not that Y/N cared, though the bugs were distracting you from your book as they were scary(-_-). “Hey, L/N-chan did ya see? I got rid of the bug, now you can read yer book in peace.” Itadori said as he came over after disposing of the scary creature. You stared at him in confusion, how would this boy who you’ve known not even a week know you detest bugs more than broccoli. He seemed to read your mind. He smiled before sitting next to you. “Ya don’t like bugs right? Whenever you pick out books with animals you make sure there is nothing about bugs in them or you’ll put it back and look for something else.” He explained as he scooted closer. You being stubborn and antisocial you scooted away looking at him like he was trying to trick you. He noticed your discomfort and backed off. 

As he was about to give up you spoke for the first time since you arrived. “T-thank y-you I-itadori-kun…” You shyly thanked him. You swear if the sun had a human body, it’d be him. ” Y-YOU CAN TALK” He whisper-yells. He forgot about the whole personal space thing and hugs you. “I hope we can be friends L/N-chan!” He says once he released you from the hug. As much as you wanted to say you don’t want friends his smile made it impossible.

Slowly but surely you became friends with Itadori. He didn’t make you do anything which made you uncomfortable. He was silent when you read, even when he really wanted to talk about something. Eventually you allowed him to talk as you hated seeing him fidget next you. “Itadori-kun-” “ I told you,you can call me Yuji since you let me call you Y/N.” You sighed,”Yuji-kun, what did you want to tell me about? You’ve been fidgeting since you sat down.” His smile always made your day. “Are you sure, I don’t want to bother you. You nod Well then…” His stories never cease to make you laugh. You were happy that you could stay with him forever… Till high school, of course it was high school…

Yuji had left to go see his grandfather again while you stayed at school to catch up on some peaceful reading. You notice Yuji left his textbook again so, knowing that his friends in the occult club were still here, you figured they would be able to give it to him when he came in the morning. The walk to the occult room felt different then usually. It felt almost eerie like a spirit was hanging over your shoulder. “They can’t be back, they spirits left when you met Yuji. Let’s just put his stuff in the room and go ho..me.” You were telling yourself before you say something to move swiftly across the hallway.

I forgot to mention that the years up until you met Yuji there was an eerie feeling always around you. Like someone was always holding onto your hand but never being there. Yeah that wasn’t pleasant for a young child however it was nice when you were alone in foster homes. You always thought they were figments of your imagination since it disappeared abruptly after Yuji hugged you that day.  Running up the stairwell that led to the school roof you thought to yourself “It was nothing it was nothing it was nothing” repeating it till you got to the roof and hid.

Now this was a good idea when no one was at school. You could wait up here till morning and Yuji found you, there would be sunlight and your childhood ghosts would stop haunting your mind again. That thought alone kept you sane.. Until the wall from the school crashed open with said savoir Itadori Yuji fighting something absolutely disgusting to look at. “When I meant you’d find me, I didn’t mean like this.” You fake scolded him in your mind.

Watching Yuji fight was terrifying especially when he almost got crushed by the thing. To your relief he seemed to have a burst of energy all of sudden and he killed the evil looking thing in one move. Yeah that’s Yuji for you.. Impressive strength as always. He did look different tho, he looked angry and.. Possessed like. That is Yuji Itadori right? He turned out to the city spewing nonsense that you couldn’t quite hear. So you having absolute faith in him got closer when he seemed to calm down.

“Y-yuji? Is that you?” You quietly asked, still a little scared of the sudden tattoos on his seriously hot toned body. “Well look at that! This brat already brought me a person of taste. Hehehehehe'' The voice coming from Yuji’s body laughed. “Oi, They're not for sale body snatcher, give me back my body.” Yuji’s voice came next as the black lines faded from his body. After the lines all went away Yuji smiled that wonderful smile towards you opening his arms to show he’s okay. “Hey, Y/N. What are you doing up here? Shouldn't you be heading home by now?” He questioned as he made his way to hug you. “ Yuji, you're all beaten up and-” Before you could finish your analysis of the most important person in life they were cut off by a loud yell. “GET AWAY FROM THE CURSE” They both turned to look at the boy with black hair who looked more beat up than Yuji. “Is he a friend of yours? He looks even worse than you.” You teased before slowly walking over to him, he looked in pain so you didn’t want to scare him. You may be quiet but you aren’t shy or afraid of people anymore. 

“Hey, I’m Y/N, the boy over there is my best friend. I think you might be confused, Yuji’s really nice if you get to know him.” Before the boy could even answer a man with a.. Blindfold on? Appeared out of thin air. “What a beauti! Nice one megumi but you're supposed to be finding the curse object not finding dates” The blindfold man said seeming to irritate the boy. After that Yuji explained the whole situation and became really scary after the white-haired man told him to. “W-what happened to Yuji, megumi-kun.. Why won’t you let me see?” You asked, Megumi had your eyes covered for about 10 seconds while loud things were happening around you. “What did you do to him?” Megumi spoke, still covering your face. Before receiving an answer you pried his hand off your face and pushed (more like punched) him away from you. 

 There are fears that come and go. This was one that never left. Using your loudest voice you could muster in the moment. “Y-Yuji! What did you do to him? Put him down! You can’t take him… I won’t let you!” You screamed as you went to run and get him away from the strange man. Megumi grabbed you before you could stand up. “Y/N right? Please calm down, Yuji is fine, just taking a nap. Though I do have to say this, you most likey won’t be seeing him again. He needs to come with us.” The white-haired man explained as he got closer. You felt as if you’d been stabbed through the heart. “Y-you can’t.. Y-Yuji’s all I have, if y-you take him, I’ll be all alone again. Don’t take him.. I-” You paused never saying this to anyone but your bathroom mirror. “I love him.. I really do… Please don’t take him…” You cried out in Megumi's arms. Now wasn’t the ideal time to admit your love for the boy but the thought of him being taken away..

“You really care about this kid a lot don’t you?” The white haired man started. He knelt down in front of you before pointing to the air “Do you see it, the thing next you?” He asked as Megumi released you. You did feel something grabbing your hand again, it was comforting in the moment. “T-there’s something grabbing my hand, nothing unusual for when Yuji’s not around.” You sniffled as you explained. “Are you trying to see it?” He prompted you. What is this guy crazy of course I can’t… see THE HAND ON MY LEG! You rushed to stand up and back away from it while it still grabbed towards you. “So you can, well I think that’s good enough. Megumi hold him real quick.” White hair said as he passed Yuji to Megumi. “You want to help him right?” you nod as he slowly walked towards you as backed you to the rail “ Are you prepared to help him through his pain and sadness.” You knew this answer before anyone ever asked you said with a strong voice. “I’d protect Yuji with my life any day he needed it.” The blindfolded man smiled as he brought his hand up to hold yours.” Then I guess we’ll be taking both of you then.” He said as he pulled you towards Megumi. “You're taking me with you?” “You said don’t take him, you never said don’t take both of you.”

As long as you don’t take him from me, I'll be alright.

wait till reader-chan finds out what happens on his first mission :(

[smallcowplant]

Hi! I'm curious what your thoughts and issues are with chapter 2? I just saw it last night myself! I completely agree with all the positive things you said! I left the theater feeling dissatisfied though, and I can't quite put my finger on why.

Hey!! 

Alrighty, this is gonna be a doozy, so strap in folks!

Disclaimer: This is all my opinion, and it’s cool if any of you disagree w/ me! Just don’t be too mad at me, lol. ALSO, BIG SPOILERS FOR IT: CHAPTER 2.

So, in my humble opinion, I think the one thing that hinders IT: Chapter 2 the most is something inherent to the very structure of the story—-the source material. Oop! 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Stephen King. He is an absolutely phenomenal writer and has a knack for writing some of the most poignantly horrific scenes in modern lit—-he greatly inspired me as writer and I love him for it! He’s my favorite creepy uncle of the lit world and I adore him. (In a way, TSS is a total love letter to his works, as they impacted me so much.)

HOWEVER (and this is a big however with me), I strongly believe that Steve’s strongest characterization and writing is in his Tortured Middle Aged Straight White Guy Writer With a Vaguely Dissatisfied Marriage and Drinking Problem™ characters. 

He’s very good at writing this one character, and this one character only. 

Ask him to write a female/lgbt+ character and he falters hard. I would even go as far as to say that his female characters often blend into this one colorful curvy blur of nothingness (wendy/audra/jessie/bev)….unless they’re the villain, and then they get an ounce more of Decidedly Female™ Evil (Carrie, Annie). 

This is of course, a personal opinion, and one that I’ve come to realize through years of reading SK. 

Bev feels very much like a vague character in IT: Chapter 2, so I don’t have much to say about that. I like Jessica Chastain in the role, yadda yadda.(The Bev/Ben/Bill shit is dumb af, but I’ve thought this since I read the book so what can you do.)

My biggest issue is in the handling of Richie, and the gay characters in the film as whole. There’s a bunch of hammy weird scenes meant to wink-wink-nudge-nudge at the audience that just rubbed me all the wrong way.

The closet behind the “Very Scary” door.

The not-so-subtle parallel of the hate crime against Don and Adrian and Richie’s response to Eddie’s death. “He has asthma, you fucker!” Or some line somewhat similar….who else has asthma? Who else dies while the man who loves him watches horrified, screaming his name over and over again? Yeah. That was definitely on purpose.

The last scene of everyone ‘After’, wherein we see that Bev and Ben are happily together and have a dog (???), while Richie approaches the bridge, completely emotionally broken, to re-carve the R + E into the bridge. 

Just……..boi. Lmao. Now, these are not problems that the film has alone—-this is all due to the faithfulness to the novel. This is mostly all pulled from the novel/directly in line with the canon. 

Personally, the Bury Your Gay/The Gay Character Faces The Deepest Trauma trope is one of my most hated tropes. 

It’s just….very disappointing to see everyone else get this very hopeful ending, and see Richie just…..completely devastated. I love seeing representation, and I’m glad that they made Richie/Eddie more explicitly gay (even though it was never…..actually…..said……), but……killing off your gays and making them sad is the most tired “haha gotcha!” trope and I really dislike it. 

THAT BEING SAID, THIS CANNOT BE CHANGED WITHOUT COMPLETELY GOING OFF SCRIPT OF THE ORIGINAL NOVEL. 

This is a problem I have with Steve, and IT, inherently. It colors my opinion of the movie/book greatly, and I can’t escape it.

Now, for Less Me™ Problems:

The pacing feels….off. I honestly think that if they had included more slower-paced scenes/introspective scenes, the impact of the final battle would’ve been stronger. (Now, once again, just my opinion! My bf thought the movie was way too long, but then again, he never read the book.) It really felt as if they just jumped from jump-scare to jump-scare to jump-scare for shits and giggles sometimes, tbh.

On that note, the fuckin’ JUMP SCARES. One of my favorite things about the first movie was how it didn’t rely on jump-scares to be scary—-I can remember a singular one (when Pennywise catches Bev in her apartment), and that WORKED because the tension was there. For me, things that are eerie—-or slightly off—-are scarier than in-your-face ‘BOOM GOTCHA’ crap. I was a bit disappointed by the over reliance on them, tbh.

I honestly believe that they played too much of their hand with the trailers. It gave away a lot of the scares and emotional bits. (The scene with them looking into the storefront absolutely SHOULD NOT have been included, as it totally took away any emotional weight that the scene was going for.)

to end on a positive note tho!

Things I Really Liked:

The BANTER was great. The restaurant scene was hilarious and morbid and I LOVED it.

I also genuinely can’t stop raving on how amazing the casting was?? It was literally so on-point?? I’ve never seen a film ACTUALLY cast actors who reasonably resemble and act like their younger versions??? That you can wholeheartedly believe actually are them grown up?? I was SHOOK.

EDDIE.

I really hope that what I thought was shade @ st*nley k*brick was actually shade @ st*nley k*brick. Because if so that was fcken devastating jfc.

All the scenes with the Losers as kids!!

If you’ve read the book, it’s genuinely v creepy to know that Bev was literally drinking sewer water out of that teacup, even though the movie doesn’t explicitly say it (the cut to her holding the cup in a way so you could see the brown liquid SENT ME) 

VERY glad that they dropped the whole pointless plot of Audra coming to Derry and getting captured bc I think I would’ve fallen asleep 

[daily-tolgirl-smolbean]

January 13, 2020 (Monday)

It’s Monday again! Which means I get to see you again!

You woke up early and took a bath. You’re already prepared by 4 am to go back to Makati but your office advised you to just wfh. You also think no one will be in the office plus you’re scared of the oncoming disasted, that’s why you decided to wfh in the end. I’m glad you did. It was a very eerie day, disaster’s abound and everyone’s mildly panicking. It also made me calmer that you’d be at home with your family instead of the office where not a lot of people could be there in case anything happens. You also decided to just come back at night since you also have an apartment viewing scheduled.

I woke up to your message about that decision and another message where you asked me to call you when I wake up ‘coz you’re worried. Now. That made me worried. I dunno what you’re thinking or what’s worrying you that warrants the need for me to call you immediately. I woke up to that text at around 5 am. I set up an alarm last night ‘coz I wanted to check up on you if you’d be back to Makati. Good thing I did so I managed to call you back early on. 

So we had an early morning vid call. You explained to me your decision . You also told me why you were worried. Your reason? You were worried you won’t be beside me if the disaster happens. You were worried for me. You’re worried you won’t be able to protect me.... I was a bit taken aback. I mean, I’m a big girl, I’m pretty much prepared for things. I’ve had emergency trainings for years so at least I know I can handle the situation. But you were seriously worried I’m far away and I’m closer to the disaster happening. That made my heart melt if only you new.

We made a promise with each other. You’ll take care of me and I’ll protect you. So thank you for taking care of me and trying to protect me. I’ll be okay. What’s important is that I know you’re okay and safe. My smol bean <3

So I told you I’m okay and not to worry. You said it’s important that you know I’m safe. You also know I can take care of myself but you wanted me to be extra careful still. Then you told me the things I should do, like buy and wear mask. Not to go out without mask. Don’t go to work if it got worse ‘coz there’s earthquakes too. And I did do all these. I’m a good girl who will follow every details if it;ll calm down my smol bean. I told her the prep I made plus reassure her my office is pretty safe. So we went back to sleep.

Work’s not suspended. We’re apparently ashproof people sus. I got out and wore my mask. Things are looking the same, there’s still unrest among the Filipinos but I still managed to go to work. Less people are at work though, one of my staff even got stuck in Batangas where it’s worse. I’m the only one from my team to be in the office. So I started working early on. Smol bean woke up  again to start wfh. I went to work early today. I had to be prepared if smol bean will be back in Makati. I really wanted to see her so the earlier the better hehe. I mean, it’s not a sure thing she’d be back that night but still, I wanna be prepared.

So work day started that way. It’s so boring tho. Mondays are the laziest time for me. So I barely made a dent on my work load by lunch time. plus i just mostly kept on checking up the situation of Taal. Smol bean kept me company tho. Even sent me a vid of Snow (the doggo) booping Marble’s (catto) head where Snow’s pretty proud. Lol, that’s my dude.

By lunch, I decided to vid call her while I’m eating at the deli in our building. Just wanted to watch her work while  eat. She kept me company during that lunch. One thing about me is I always eat lunch alone. I got no friends in the office. Does that make me weird? hmmm. I guess I’m just really a weird mix of introvert and lazy. I’m lazy to make friends and get to know people again but also I’m content to be alone and make my lunch time my me time. I really enjoy just reading or playing or warching vids during lunch. This time tho, I’m really happy I got to spend it with her even just through a vid call. 

I really need to remind myself to not forget that connecting to people is also important. If it weren’t for my friends trying to drag me, I probably whould live within my own world. lol Smol bean’s the only most recent person I put an effort to get to know and put myself out there. :p

So the afternoon went like that. We kept the vid call going while we’re working. I ended up working just 1/10th of the time. Most of it? I’m staring at her. And I’m way too lazy to wok so I just asked her if we can make landian na lang hahahahahaha. And this girl likes to spoil me so she gave me some incentives for powerboost. Some really really nice incentives 😏 smol bean can really get me hot and bothered that fast lol. Also, she made me promise I’ll only be like that with her. No other crushes (except actresses and famous people ‘coz she knows I like fandoms hehe). I told her that that’s not a problem.

A little bit of background. I’m not the type of person who easily gets crush on people since I was a kid. I kept thinking about it back then. I don’t have a childhood sweetheart and all that. I basically don’t like people that much haha. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate people’s aesthetics. Like the way they carry themselves or what they’re wearing but I don’t think on things like I wanna date them or such. So if I do end up with a crush, I obsessed over them for a while..... which is what happened with smol bean. hehehe. I basically stalked her on whatever online form I can back then. mehehe

Anyways, I told her I miss her and wanted to see her if she’s going to Makati. She still can’t decide if she will up to the last minute. She’s prepping to leave when she learned that the apartment she was supposed to be view is now taken. She’s really sad and disappointed about that. I knew she wanted that, that’s the second time it happened to her. So she told me that and I don’t know how to make her feel better. It sucks. So I just told her maybe it’s not yet meant to be, she still has time on her current rental. I decided to just help her look for some listings. I’m lazy to work naman so I searched some possible choices of apartment instead.

Dude, it’s so hard to look for a decent apartment at a decent price at a decent location. Everything’s too pricey these days. If only I can stay with her, we could split the rent on a goo apartment plus I’ll be living with her. I really have to work on that. I still have a few things to work around on my current life before I can do that. I’d really love that someday for us though 🥰 So for now, I sent her some listings while she’s on the bus going to Makati.

She’s also still worrying about the air in South. Smol bean’s too stressed about a lot of things. Apartment, Taal Volcano, Work. Tired. 🥺 She even asked me if I’m sure I’d go meet her. I asked her why, is she busy? ‘Coz really, I know she’s thinking about a lot of things and I don’t  want to get in her way if she has other things to do. I understand naman. I really wanna see her but she’s my priority. We even had a bit of a misunderstanding there. She said she wanted to just rest early and work today. So I told her no worries, I’ll just see her tomorrow. But she got even more stressed, she said wanted to do everything but most of all, she wanted to see me. Apparently, I misunderstood her so she listed the things she wanted to do in order:

“Yung order ng gusto ko gawin ay 

1. Makita ka 

2. Matulog ng maaga 

3. Magwork konti 

1 yung pinakagusto ko “

So I told her yes! I wanna see her, she can work while we’re hanging out, and we’ll go home early so she can rest. (at the end of the night, we only ended up doing the first thing lol). Also, it should be noted that she told me we should also do what I want. But baby, if I’m the one we’d follow, we won’t ever go to work, we’ll just be together always and we would run away together. hahaha! So she told me she better be the responsible one so we’d follow her. hehe

I’m on my way to her na din. And she’s near her dorm. I arrived there and wait for her in the lobby. I’m really excited to see her. It’s been 4 days. I miss my smol beaaaannnn! And there she is! my cute cute cute baby! She’s wearing her star wars shirt, gray pants and black sneaks. Cool chick mode hehehe cute cute

We decided t have dinner in yellow cab. Not much people are waling around the area today. Maybe because of the Taal thing. Some people are wearing their face mask  too. So we arrived at the restaurant and she insisted she’ll pay for dinner tonight. I really didn’t argue much ‘coz I was planning a nice dinner tomorrow (which was our 1st monthsary, yay!). Waited for her and chose a seat ath the back of the restaurant with the view of the tv so I can watch the news.

She got us a large pizza and some iced tea for me. We started catching up on how’s a day even though we’ve been talking the whole day. This is how we are. It seems like we don’t ran out of things to talk about most times. It ranges from how our day went by, any random stories for the day, what our friends have been up to, games, memes, work and some of our relationshipwise things.Basucally anything and everything under the sun. 

She’s the only person I’d wanna tell everything to. My friends know I’m a good listener and doesn’t really like to share much. It probably stems from my belief that no one listens. Like genuinely listens to what I have to say. So I’ve decided on myself to be that person who would listen. Until I’ve got no will to share my thoughts. I can even last a day without talking if no one would ask me anything. I know I know, I’m a weirdo hehe. Well anyways, with smol bean, it feels like I can tell her everything and she would listen to me. She won’t set aside the things I’m saying. But I’m also worried I talk too much when I’m with her. Sometimes I think I wanted to share so much she doesn’t have space to talk anymore. I wanna hear her stories too. I wanna know what she’s thinking. I don’t wanna overshadow her. I want us to be balanced and equal. I know I’m a tol girl and that I can be a bit bossy and commanding without consciously realizing it so I’m trying to be softer. I know I’m soft but a part of me still has some rough edges I need to smoothen. I want my smol bean to feel protected but also not too feel like I’m looming over her. hehe

So back to our talks. We talked a lot tonight. Like 3 hrs worth of talking, teasing, laughing, and flirting.We talked about how everyone is, the current taal situation and how we’ll handle it, her apartment hunting, and lot more. I don’t remember much the specifics but I can remember when I’d steal kisses from her. When she’d hold my hand and smile shyly at me. When she’d laugh and look resigned on my dirty clothes and pants because i spilled my food all over me again. When she snuggled with me on our bench while chatting. She really is my home isn’t?

There’s this one serious topic tho. There’s this question burning on her mind since she woke up. So I asked her what it is. She made me promise first that I’l be honest with her. Totally honest. Like no bullshitting my way through it. I promised to tell he the truth. I told her the foundation of a relationship is honestly, love and respect. So yeah, I won’t dare lie to her. She’s still doubtful if she should ask it ‘coz tomorrow’s our monthsary and it seems out of place to ask at this moment, but I told her, she should ask things if she wants. Tell things when she wants to. And do things she wanted. No need to be too doubtful. I’ll always be there to answer, listen and do anything and everything with her.

So she did. She asked me about my ex. The day I helped my x with the flower. She asked me what’s my role in it. I told her it was only delivered to my address so she can get it from me instead of directly sending it to her office which would just create a buzz there. I only received it, gave it to x so x can give it to her boyfriend who she’s having an issue with. And that’s it. That’s my only role in the whole thing. Apparently, smol bean thought I gave x the flowers ‘coz i wanted to comfort x. I almost laughed at that. First of all, flowers are not cheap, but I do love giving it to smol bean ‘coz I like making her smile everytime she gets one from me. She’s worth it. Second of all, if I wanted to comfort x, I’ll probably just buy her a coffee and listen to her rant and cry about her bf. But anyways, that’s not my role now. It’s not my job to comfort her, she has other friends for that. My focus right now is smol bean. I promised this to her. Also, I promise I’m telling the truth. 

She believed me and hugged me. I really love her. I won’t ever dream of cheating on her or hurting her. I won’t take for granted this one in a million chance I’m given to be with someone as amazing as her.

We also talked about getting married. I don’t know why or I can’t explain why but at this point in our relationship, there a high chance we’re both sure we’d end up together. Like, we’re ready to spend a lifetime together.  I know we’re too you or it’s still too early in the relationship, but for me, this is the kind of happiness I’d want to have if I’ll continue living in this world. This is it for me. She is it for me. So I told her, someday, maybe far away in the future, same sex marriage will be allowed in the Philippines. And when that happens, I told her, the moment it was allowed, she should be ready ‘coz I’ll come running to her to pick her up and bring her to wherever I could get that marriage license and marry her. This, I promise.

So yeah, we ended up just sitting there, with my arms over her shoulders while she snuggles to me. Then she told me, “Did you notice no one’s ever sat beside the tables on both our sides?” And i laughed at that! That’s true! No one dared sit beside use, we’re apparently flirting way too much it’s like we have our own bubble around the back of the restaurant. HAHAHA. Bakit ba. There’s way too many tables around they can go to anyways. hehe i missed my smol bean and missed hanging out with her. We ended up just staying for more than three hours. But it’s getting late and she needs to sleep early. She has to be at work by 7 am. 

Not much people will be at their office and her friends would tease/scold her if they knew why she’ll be at the office tomorrow. Most of them are working from home. The reason? Me... mehehe but also, she can’t work properly at home lol So I walked her home. Just like most days, my heart feels full that moment. Such a bittersweet feeling since we’d have to be separated when we arrive. But stll, spending time with her is like recharging my being. Getting to hold her hand while silently walking through the lamp-ridden Makati night is still one of the best memories I cherish. This time, we’re wearing face masks tho haha another one for the books.

And so, we arrived at her condo, we sat at our usual stone seat while booking my ride home. Don’t wanna be separated but that’s how things are for now. can’t wait to go home with her on our own place so we won’t have to go our separate ways again. hehe. The grab car came, she walked me to the car, I hugged her and kissed her. I like getting my goodbye kiss. It’s like kissing her goodnight too. 😌 And so, I went home. We sent our usual messages of how we enjoyed our time together (sana all noh hihi).

Got home. Got ready for bed. And we’re both ready to sleep. She suddenly sent me a message saying she misses me. UwU never knew I’d find someone who’ll feel as intensely as I feel for her. I miss her too already. 🥺 Then comes the i love yous 🥺 Until I realized it’s already 12 mn. which means.......

Happy 1st Monthsary <3

We greeted each other and sent sweet messages on how we would like to spend a lifetime together. I would like to thank whoever in the universe made me find my soulmate in her. :)

---

PS: Mark my words, someday, I will marry the heck out of you. <3

[arnorcttos]

( ludovico tersigni + 22 + muse 59 ) isn’t that apollo amoretto over there? i heard HE joined faction: nomads after they got back to west ham. it’s funny, ‘cause they were only on the service trip to terrorize his peers. hopefully they fit in there – they’re ADROIT, but also INDELICATE. oh, i’m sure they’ll be fine. ( james, she/they, 20, EST )

okay hi i’m james and this is my baby apollo, who is actually a brand new spankin’ muse of mine so !! we’ll see how this goes b/c i’ve literally never rp’d him before !! and i’ll b frank. his background is inspired by logan in veronica mars. sue me. actually don’t i’m already in college debt but sudfjkfg PLEATHE plot w/ him. leave a like. two likes. that’s not even possible. i may change his fc in the future b/c like ... i’m currently making his gif icons as i go and to b frank ,,, it’s rly hard sdjfkgh but i love him. so we’ll see. sdjnfkmgh

TRIGGER WARNING - DEATH, MURDER, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

a e s t h e t i c s

fingers across keyboards and piano keys, m&m’s scattered, vintage gaming consoles and tangled wires, worn vans and broken skateboards, banging of drums and splintering drumsticks, deep rhythms beating with your heart, the hum of a hefty computer and the buzz of a monitor, green text against black screens, unruly hair unkempt, flannels filling closets, bloody baseball bats, posters lining up and down walls, loud punk music shaking the walls, glares and whispers, the suffocation that comes with loneliness, pills rattling in their bottles, unmade beds.

general info !!

full name: apollo casimir amoretto

nickname(s): caz, polly, lover boy, 2000 (b/c of his screen names lmaoo)

b.o.d. - january 31st, aquarius boi

label(s): the escapist, the hellion, the insurgent, the netizen, etc. etc.

height: hitting 6′0″

hometown: west ham, kansas !

sexuality: bi...? fucking. it’s pride month ofc he’s bi.

his stats are TBD but his pinterest is HERE !

biography !!

cristian amoretto and camilla silvestri had a romance that could be described turbulent at best, and down right explosive at worst

cristian, a native italian actor whose career began before he could walk, and camilla, the daughter of two italian immigrants with big dreams in a small town, met on the set of a coffee shop. their love story began quickly, dating within only a few months of knowing each other and engaged before the year was up

camilla walked down the aisle 6 months pregnant with lil’ baby apollo, who was then born in west ham, kansas, aka the town that camilla’s family had settled in

was raised primarily by his mother and grandparents! his father was often off shooting movies, leaving camilla to take on the role of stay-at-home mom despite her own dreams of making it big as an actress

apollo grew up as a huge momma’s boy -- i mean, god, he just really loved this mother, y’know? his relationship with his father was much rockier because of his ... lack of being around.

when his grandparents died around the age of eight, that’s when things got...worse. it felt as if camilla’s parents were the only barrier between camilla and cristian’s budding wrath.

it became more apparent that cristian was not meant for the family life, his anger quick and his fists quicker, stinging words and venomous glares. a control freak who couldn’t handle camilla being an independent woman.

this wasn’t apparent to the neighbors, or much of the town in general, because the amorettos were such a prominent family up in their mini-mansion in oak ridge -- it was hard to imagine that their life was anything but exquisite and dreamlike.

this was, of course, up until camilla filed for divorce and a restraining order in the same day, face bruised and nearly unrecognizable. she, obviously, got custody of apollo.

at this point in time, apollo was fourteen and...pretty stoked for them to get away from his father. they holed up in southside and life continued as normal. for the time being. gossip swarmed apollo at school surrounding the circumstance which was annoying, to say the least. it led to him becoming withdrawn from the other students, not getting the whole ... gossip appeal.

in hindsight, they should’ve moved out of west ham. death threats in the form of letters and the eerie feeling of eyes constantly being on them came to a halt on apollo’s graduation day: the day that his father also, coincidentally, murdered his mother.

for making me miss out on years of my son’s life, was cristian’s excuse as he was escorted from the bloody crime scene at their apartment and into the police car.

obviously, cristian was convicted and sentenced to prison. apollo still has dreams about testifying in court against his father.

and then apollo became known not as the son of two celebrities, but the son of a murderer. total bummer !

became even more withdrawn and almost dropped out of college a few good times! the only thing that kept him rooted to west ham was his band.

and now he can’t leave, and he’s surrounded by people who all look at him weird and he feels like they’re all expecting him to be like his father, and he’s not, but god -- when people expect you to be one way, it’s so hard to act otherwise. it’s just not a good time !

pretty much why he went on the service trip tbh ... like, y’know ... if ppl want to believe that he’s just as bad as his dad then damn ! he was gonna wreck sm havoc on the trip, just being an absolute nuisance. 

personality !!

his main focuses are computers / video games, drums / his band, and like ... skating ... vaping ... gamer things, y’know.

from a young age he’d always been very fascinated by video games, and being the Rich Boi (tm) that he was, ended up with a whole lot of them to play, on a whole bunch of consoles.

but like ... he’s a PC guy :/ he may have a super rare nintendo 64 console or two but nothing can beat his dual-monitor set up with his hand-build computer !

he also got real into hacking, y’know, just small things like watching security cameras in different cities and occasionally changing his grades b/c like ... who wouldn’t ? also ... cheated in dark souls. fucking loser.

his favorite games to play were always multiplayer games online like WoW and overwatch so !! he’s pretty fucking mad he can’t play them anymore. like. so mad. genuinely furious. he’s been trying to hack his way into like ... wifi or something dumb, ever since they got stranded in new west ham, but he’s had no luck !

he joined a band in high school because he was angsty and young, and like, turned out to be really good on drums ?? they had like ... some real big jimmy eat world / green day / say anything / old school fall out boy vibes. just a whole bunch of ‘fuck the government, fuck the authority, anarchy, rebellion, revolt revolt revolt’ angry rock music that got a buuunch of noise complaints during practice.

his role in the band was essentially the ~nerdy~ one, because he was a gamer, but like he was also Edgy and Angry and wore all black like Constantly (he still does who are we kidding)

probably paints his nails black and has a nose ring b/c gamers can be edgy too !!

huuuuuge junk food junkie. like ... he will consume Everything and Anything unhealthy. has a huge sweet tooth, he can’t remember the last time he’s drank straight up water.

but like ... he’s a loner pretty much. only friends he really bothered keeping were his bandmates and like ! half of them went missing along with the rest of the town so ! he’s feeling a lil’ lost

but not lost enough to do Nothing, y’know ?? coming back to west ham to an empty town awoke his little baby survivalist in him, probably due to a lot of survival games he played online, and he immediately took over his old home in oak ridge ! it was pretty much rotting there with his dad in jail, but not anymore !!

has also probably broken into a few homes already tbh b/c he’s just. ruthless. impulsive. if it feels like the end of the world then he’s yolo’ing, he’s peace-ing out, u cannot stop him.

uuhhh so he’s got this fucking...pomsky, right? her name is tulip. she was camilla’s before she passed away and like, what is apollo gonna do, huh ? put the dog in a shelter ? hell fucking nah. that’s his dog now.

unfortunately tulip isn’t the most .... tough looking dog. apollo set up a bunch of fucking speakers around the property of his dad’s house and plays large barking noises whenever somebody gets too close, just to ward off intruders, but like ... there’s no fucking big dogs man. it’s just apollo and tulip.

this isn’t like a Personality Trait but idk where to put it so ! apollo’s on antidepressants b/c like ... y’know ... the whole dad-murdering-mom thing sort of fucked him up a lot ! they make him feel pretty blah and diminished his sex drive so like ... hook ups aren’t really an option for him atm !

besides that he smokes a lot of weed b/c self medication

he’s ... sort of an asshole. like ... he can be rude and he doesn’t have much of a filter and i don’t know if there’s any softness left to him ! he just really misses his mom and his bandmates and has a lot of wishes involving changing the past and he reacts badly to things because he’s so defensive and on edge constantly.

he misses twitter the most, tho.

no but he’s just like. .. sad gamer boi ... a man and his dog ... who also carries like five knives on him and definitely knows where his dad kept his gun.

like he’s not socially awkward or necessarily Bad with people .. he’s just bad with people :/ doesn’t try hard enough ! is a little too apathetic ! chaotic to true neutral

wanted connections !!

i envision his band to have like ... four or five members including him. two guitar electric guitar, one bass, one drums / keyboard, any of them singing idk that’s not important. and since two of them have Disappeared, i’d like the One (or two) that Remains ! anarchy boys !

generally .. anybody else who is tryn to survive, that maybe he can bond with or completely clash with ??

i’d love enemies, just ppl he Refuses to get along with or they are just on bad terms for whatever reason

people he’s trying to not ! not get along with ! but it just doesn’t work out b/c like ... lbr, apollo’s pretty bad with other people.

just any falling outs.

uuhh ... maybe a few somewhat-friendships ! like... awkward acquaintances

ppl he knew primarily from high school / haven’t spoken to since

maybe one or two ppl who’s soft towards him or he’s soft towards or vice versa b/c like ! i’ll b real .. it’s pretty nice to have !

ex-flings, ex-somethings, ex-gfs, bfs, anything from the past.

hookup gone bad b/c he couldn’t get it up b/c antidepressants be like that (this is based off of a true story can we get a sad yeehaw in here)

gaming pals from before no wifi.

skater buds. vaping buds. b/c i can confirm that apollo owns like three juuls. stoner buds.

someone he’s like ... hesitantly forming an alliance with b/c sometimes it’s easier when you have someone on ur team ! b/c then drama when one of them betrays the other uwu

somebody trying 2 break into his house b/c u Know it’s got some good shit in there but he’s just like ‘alexa play dogs barking audio’ and then ur muse is like ... there’s no fucking dogs

juul pod dealer. that’s all.

i’m down for anything rly !! pleathe hmu !!

[laissezferre]

the terror (2018), last 3 eps

this is primarily for @corinthes, whom i’ve been yelling at for the past few days bc of this show. it got a bit lengthy and and i doubt you’d enjoy reading this from the chat box. spoilers beware for anyone curious enough.

i feel like episode 8 is the calm before the shitstorm that is ep 9-10 and it certainly has the feel of a filler episode, but i love it nonetheless. people talk! people have lines and are given the time to deliver them! francis and james have this important conversation even before the credits roll and that makes it all the more important. i love this scene; i see what you mean about how it belongs to a stage. it's just two guys having a heartfelt convo, beautifully acted. when the camera goes further and shows them standing apart, right in the middle of the frame, in this vast wasteland, looking at each other and having an understanding--gaawwd.

tobias's delivery of "i would like that very much" was so good! so vulnerable and open and hopeful. even now, he needs validation and it's important that he gets it from francis. and francis--having labeled the ship as a confessor--fills the ships' gap and becomes the confessor for everyone apparently. and at this point, he's reached god-like zen bc seriously he looks so put together after everyone's spilled their guts out to him. til the end, he dispenses "i forgive you" and "you did your best" and "you're a good lad" like pancakes. and he starts calling people by their first name too. and this, coming from a francis crozier who has known to be miserable and disagreeable, is called d e v e l o p m e n t. further on, when tells his lieutenants that if they got sick, he wouldn't leave them either, i thought "yes, i would die for you, i would follow you to hell and back". thank you, jared, for this performance.

i loved the almost-hanging scene too. it's a very looong scene and it's sad how so few shows actually take the time to have their characters talk! i can easily imagine this on a stage, complete with atmospheric smoke and sepia lighting. i knew that letter was gonna bite francis in the ass. i was waiting for it and hickey put down that card in the best time possible. hickey, you are a murdering, mutinous son of a bitch, but i also can't help but admire you.

ep 9 is like one sucker punch after another. god wants you to live, can we sleep, bridal carry, what can i do for you sir--this is... too much. special props tho to goodsir bc he has been through some shit. this show has added so many actors to my watch-for-next-projects list and that includes paul ready. he goes through such a transformation, so filled with hope and optimism and empathy and by the time they ask him to butcher gibson, he just looks so fucking done. we know he's going to die and it won't be by anyone else's hand. i love the part where hickey stabs gibson and they get into a struggle, but it’s less a physical struggle and more a battle of wills. can't believe they brought out the bits of glass from episode xX. his death was so beautifully shot. first, from where he sits still and looks in the direction of the camera while the tent canvass behind him thrashes wildly. that was hauntingly beautiful. then when he cuts his wrists but we can't see his face, only his spasms. and then when he pictures the flowers and shells. that broke me. he was a science man to the death.

i have words for jopson but i will reserve them for ep 10.

francis gave a service for james but they did it alone. ok then! fuck me up some more! this, plus blankly's revelation that he's gonna die soon, chips at francis' state of zen and we see him break a bit. i love how his voice breaks in "why didnt you say aything?!" and then they're laughing and crying at the same time and yeah, there is no toxic masculity in this murderland, just a whole lot of love.

this show like oprah giving out prizes. "you get a monologue! and you get a monologue! and you get a monologue!" and i love it! hodgson and tover are relatively minor characters but they are given time to speak up, and despite their shitty actions, you can't help but empathize. and their breakdowns aren't the same either. goodsir breathes heavily, hodgson is still and haunted, tover hugs himself and shudders, and they all do it so well! how is everyone in this show so good?? jared did mention that most of the cast was theater-trained so i guess that played a part.

i have to tell you that before bingeing the last 3 eps i watched almost all the terror crack videos on youtube, so these last eps were, though still heartbreaking, were also a bit funny for me, in an absurd kind of way. when james fires the rocket, i can hear "rocketman" in the background. when goodsir mixes the poison, i almost yelled "chemistry time!". it's just... i needed to make fun of it or i wouldn't surive the heartbreak. which leads me to:

jopsoooooonnn! the best boi! the goodest boi! the most loyal boi who did no wrong! apart from his death, what's more heartbreaking is that he thought crozier left him. he didn't know that the captain was abducted so he thought he's been deliberately abandoned. his hallucination reduced me to tears. he was probably starving to death and here was all this food but no, he! just! wanted! his! captain! he sees the captain in his best form--well kempt, alert, emphatic--and at the end of it, his captain is turned away from him. fuck me up seven ways to sunday. i desperately want bts pics from this scene bc the eeriness of having a full dining table in the wastes must be jarring.

little doesn't get enough credit, because while he did mess up, his loyalty is also something to be admired. they were hungry and sick and dying--they could very well have just kept on south but he was still insistent to save francis. "you would leave our captain with that devil of a man?" yes, little, you did your best. you deserved to die last.

if tunbaaq is meant to be a metaphor for nature and balance, it's absolutely fitting how it's defeated by lead and chemical poison. ultimately, how we've used technology and industrialization kills the environment--or at least that's how i read it.

i really have to applaud adam nagaitis for his performance here and i do think he deserves top billing as much as the lead cast. by the end of it, he draws as much screen time as crozier and you can even say that he holds the last 2-3 eps together. and you genuinely fucking hate his character. were those really james' boots he was wearing? does that mean they dug him up and looted him? that unforgiveable swine, may he rot in hell, but gawwd adam pulled it off well.

i've been debating with myself if it was kinder and more poetic to have crozier die at the end so that he wouldn't have to grieve or go through survivor's guilt, but for my own mental health, i'm glad he survived. it's a small mercy but i'm glad he got to live. i'm glad he got to see what happened to his men, that he saw jopson one final time, and little too. his survival also sends the message that the one most willing to adapt (and respect the culture) will survive. he tries to follow silna but stops when the chief says "it's just how we do things". he understands and he lets it go. he learns the language and the way of life--and he lives.

i've watched featurettes and interviews for this series and from there you can really see that this show was a labor of love. it was a product of collaboration, research, open-mindedness, and a solid cast and crew. you can have all the special effects, all the expensive costumes, but at the core of it, what makes a good story is Dialogue. i can honestly say that it's one of the best scripts this decade has ever produced. the showrunners set out to tell a story and they did it to the best of their ability. i'll be coming back to this series for the next few months and rewatching it many times over.

thank u, thank u, thank u for introducing this to me. now come yell at me back

[nordic-breeze]

I was going through my files and I came over this document I sent to my friend @distant-rain pretty much the same day I realized I had fallen in love with Arthur, after weeks of being in denial or shrugging off my daydreaming of this cowboy as nbd or thought experiments and boy was I confused. 

I knew next to nothing about RDR1 when I wrote this December last year and I didn’t know much about RDR2 post chapter 2 either except for Arthur’s fate, which I had just learned of, and oml was I upset and confused. Though also scaringly accurate about certain things.

Now over six months later, I love this cowboy even more. And I kept true to my word. If anyone wanna read the rambings of a fangirl who had just found her new obsession be my guest.

I was blown away by how massive this game is. The level of detail is incredible and I greatly appreciate the effort put into creating this world. Yeah, we’ve all heard about the horse testicles shrinking in cold weather but it’s not like it’s just one bizarre detail being essentially a dick joke in an otherwise average game. No, RDR2 is detailed enough that it actually makes sense to add in peculiarities like that. The amount of wildlife alone, I mean, ever since the PS2 era I’ve been used to seeing animals in games but R* created whole-ass ecosystems in RDR2, several of’em, from snowy mountains to marshlands, with animals that act so much like actual animals. Just listening to the birds singing, it’s like being out in an actual forest!

Characterization is another thing that amazed me, in particular the protagonist. I knew nothing about the first RDR when started playing RDR2, nor did I know anything about RDR in general other than it was western-themed and made by the GTA-guys. I expected somewhat of a similar characterization as GTA where every character is a stereotype or a caricature. I genuinely liked GTAV’s story for what it was and even though every character was more or less an asshole, some of them were also weirdly likeable and even earned my sympathy (and hint of affection) occasionally.

But it never really went deeper than that nor was it particularly long-lasting (still way more than I expected tho). I bonded with one of the characters more than I thought I would but not nearly as much as I would had the characters felt more like actual humans and not like the epitome of stereotypes. But it is what R* wanted and it worked. I expected the RDR2 characters to be the same but to my surprise the characters, especially Arthur, are fleshed out, complex, even relatable (depending on your actions I guess). Unlike GTAV, they act and react like actual human beings. Well, human beings that have lived their entire life (more or less) as outlaws. In a country and time period foreign to me. But still they felt human. Ofc I’ve not gotten to know any of the NPC’s as well as Arthur but from various missions and eavesdropping on their conversation I’ve gotten to know them a bit. Hosea is my favorite. He seems like a good man despite being an outlaw and I love how everyone goes to him for advice and how supportive he is. I also wish more people (esp a certain Dutch man) could listen to him more. I also really like Charles. He definitely got morals and could be a good influence on Arthur and the others. I haven’t seen much of Sadie yet, but think I’ll like her too. Lenny seems nice. That one scene when he and Arthur went out drinking together was absolutely brilliant! And lil Jack’s adorable ofc. Only one I don’t like is Micha or Miach or whathisname. I know no one in the van der Linde gang are saints but that guy is a total psychopath. I kinda wish Arthur had gotten his way there when he said they should just leave him in jail as he was nothing but trouble and it annoys me how Dutch is sticking up for him. Yeah, speaking of, not too fond of Dutch or that German guy either atm.

But all in all very impressed by the large open world, the level of details to well, everything and the characterization. Soundtrack is great, graphics are stunning, animations smooth, the horse-riding simulation is just extraordinary and you never know what’s gonna happen as you ride through the map. The amount and variety of random events and encounters are truly impressive. Often comical, like that wildlife photographer who keeps getting almost eaten up by the wildlife he’s trying to document, sometimes eerie like the serial killer side story, or sad like when Arthur met with his former love. Or a combination of said elements like the pig farmers I ran into. With no pigs. But were still veeery well fed. You know, when people are just a liiitle bit too friendly? That eerie feeling you get when you just know something’s wrong but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Until you can. I thought they were husband and wife I really did. You shoulda seen my face when I realized they were in fact brother and sister. Me and Arthur had the exact same face. They were living as husband and wife tho. Well, up until I killed them.

I also love the contrast between the more ‘modern’ world and the simpler life. I could go into town, buy food at the saloon and rent a room or take a bath at the hotel. Or I could ride a few mins out into the wilderness, hunt and gather my own food, cook it over a bonfire and sleep under the stars. Electricity exists, but people are still completely dependent on oil lamps and open flame. Trains and trams exist, cars have been invented, but people still mainly travel on horseback. This contrast between old and new as an era is ending and the modern era is about to begin has been an amazing experience considering the level of detail the game has. The colonization of the new land, which has been largely unknown to me, the contrast between this and modern-day America we see on TV. So many people did not even speak English, I often find abandoned buildings, or burnt-down buildings, some with bodies inside, leaving me wondering what happened to them, I found a ghost town whose inhabitants had been wiped out by a plague. It was tough for many I reckon.

In fact, I find the exploration of this foreign but also somewhat familiar, beautiful but harsh world and its many random events and encounters waaay more interesting than the actual main story itself, which is why it took me forever to reach chapter 3. In fact, the story is probably my least favorite part about RDR2, as backwards as it may sound. I’ve never been into western stories or aesthetics, and I’m certainly NOT into the whole ‘outlaws till the end’ stuff ugh. I fail to sympathize with the whole ‘boo-hoo the world no want outlaws like us no more it’s unfair’. Ugh, go cry me a fucking river. And then go get a job. A real job. Yeah, I get it that adapting to society is tough, life’s tough deal with it and stop preying on others. Wow, robbing two trains in short time and staying in the same fucking area actually has consequences, I’m so shook!

So yeah, story-wise I don’t quite ‘get it’ and Dutch is really starting to get on my nerves, which is probably why I prefer to just ride off alone and experience the world. I guess RDR2 story will rely heavily on being torn between gang loyalty and your own morality and principles but since I have virtually no concept of group loyalty that is all lost on me. My own morals and principles all the way. I’m like, ‘these people suck, take Hosea, Charles, Sadie, Tilly (maybe John Marston and his family) and leave these bitches behind’.

At the beginning, I did kinda liked Dutch. He seemed genuinely sorry for Sadie, took her in and saved her life, even if it meant another mouth to feed in dire times. And he showed Kiran mercy despite hating the O’Driscol’s. But as I’ve progressed thought the game, his grand speeches about sticking together, sticking with him, slowly but surely has turned from pep-talk to keep people’s spirit up to sounding like a cult leader desperate to keep his following no matter the cost. Yesterday when I was playing, I overheard him quote some quasi-philosophy book to Lenny and used the words to twist them into his own convictions to support his decisions. And when Lenny objected, Dutch literally said ‘you’re breaking my heart, kid’. Wow Dutch, talk about manipulating your protégé.

It was the mission when those lawmen approached Arthur as he was fishing with Jack that really made me consciously see Dutch in a new light. Up until then, RDR2 had mostly been fun and games but that conversation left me feeling a bit uneasy. But I just figured it was the main story finally picking up pace and also, I figured I was near the end of the chapter. I carried on, suddenly eager to see what would happen and was thoroughly surprised by how the chapter ended. In a bad way.

While both chapter 2 and chapter 3 begins with a ‘new start’ vibe, chapter 3 felt very different from chapter 2. Mostly it was that feeling that Dutch’s obsession with ‘sticking to this life’ is going to get people killed. Idk, it’s this eerie feeling something’s wrong but can’t quite put my finger on it-feel again. But thanks to internet being internet I already knew some spoilers so I couldn’t help but to look up something and… well, let me put it this way. I’m never going to finish this game. Ever. It breaks my heart because in so many ways it’s truly an amazing game and a fantastic experience. But I’m just not that into the story, I don’t like where it’s heading and I don’t want to see what’s coming to character(s) I’ve come to care deeply about.

I still want to explore the world more, see what unfolds, do more challenges, add stuff to my compendium, maybe get some trophies… but I doubt I’ll ever progress much story-wise. Quite the contrary, I might reload an earlier save and just stay in chapter 2 forever.

(wrtten a couple of days later)

Seems my instincts was right on the money, esp concerning Dutch. Sad thing, I do believe he is sincere. In the first few chapters at least. He is manipulative but I also believe he’s convinced himself that he’s doing the right thing. And then his obsession will eventually get the better of him and when people and the lifestyle is slipping away from him, he doesn’t handle it well at all. Ugh, it’s so frustrating, I just wanna gather all my favs and yell: “leave nooow, before it’s too late!

It’s not for the sake of spacing it out or making it last. I just don’t want to progress in the story at all. I hated losing Horseshoe Overlook. HATED IT HATED IT HATED IT!!!! Yes the new place is beautiful, yes I know it’s the life of the outlaws and RDR2 does show that life for better and for worse whereas most stories tend to romanticize the whole thing, yes as outlaws they can’t stay for too long in one place. But as mentioned I have a hard time sympathize with and immerse myself into that lifestyle. Yes, I got all my upgrades and a whole new area to explore, a bigger nearby town, and closer to that big city. Still hated it. Horseshoe Overlook was my place. The Heartlands was home. And the view was stunning! And I liked Valentine. It was small and dirty but I had good memories from there. Until I had to shoot up half the town. My motivation for continuing the main story is at absolute zero.

It was more what the transition represented, I guess. You never know what will happen in RDR2. And it’s true, for random encounters, and many of the individual missions. But when it comes to the story as a whole, I feel like I already now can predict how it’ll play out. Every chapter begins with the gang on the move, finding a place to settle down and have a fresh start, even chapter 1 (as they were on the run bc a heist gone wrong or something). Then they settle down, go into town to get to know the area and establish connections and looking for easy money, often at the expenses of others. X random events later, they get too overconfident or careless, screws up or get hunted down, it ends with a shootout, then they are on the run again, finds a new place to settle down where Dutch promises that THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT until they’re wanted on the entire map and can’t go anywhere cos the wild west is ending. I really liked it at Horseshoe Overlook and whenever Im in that area again I’ll just get sad.

I had no idea I’d gotten so emotionally invested so I was really surprised at how much I disliked moving camps and all. I’ve also gotten so fond of Arthur. I was so busy with exploring, doing challenges, learning to hunt etc I didn’t even realize it happening. Until one scene had me almost tearing up! I think because, we as the player really have to look out for him. Even though I make sure that he eats regularly, he’s still underweight. When out riding I usually set up camp when night falls so that Arthur can get some rest. Something I’d never think about in any other game. And I always give him coffee in the morning. Then it’s his journal that gives such valuable insight into who he truly is as a person. There’s no doubt he’s so much more than just a mere outlaw. He writes surprisingly well and is open and is surprisingly honest about his thoughts and feelings. How torn he is between the life of an outlaw and wanting to be a better man, a better person. How he admired Charles because, for him it was ‘so easy to just be good’ whereas he himself always feel torn between good and evil. And his journal entries when he meets his long-lost love Mary and saves her brother from the cultists. The expression on his face as he said goodbye to her on the train station… how utterly heartbroken he was… how she still loved him too… man, that one tore at my heart. Still does when thinking about it.

I wish I could take Hosea, Charles, Sadie, Tilly, John’s family and maybe Lenny too with me, run off and start anew. Charles would have good influence on Arthur and encourage him to turn his life around and find his place in society and encourage John to be a better father and role model for Jack and they could all learn how to live as free men and women without robbing or hurting anyone (unless they deserve it). Like, Charles is an excellent hunter and tracker. He’d totally get enough food for the gang and maybe even enough to sell. He could train Jack too. Hosea was always more of a conman/grifter than a brute/robber. He could con bad guys or rich assholes Robin Hood style. If anyone gave him grief, John and Arthur would settle the score. Arthur could sell animal pelts and John could take up carpeting. They’d be such a happy lil family. But, RDR1 is yet to happen so it’s all just wishful thinking *sigh*

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 4x07: “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester”

I absolutely fucking love this episode, as you’re about to see.

Our future female Crowley, currently a housewife.

The husband sneaks in a candy after the wife leaves...thus leading to one of the more gruesome things this show has ever done. Jesus H. Christ, I can barely look.

RIP Luke.

2 razors on the floor, 1 in his stomach and 1 stuck in his throat. e u g h

Hexbag

I enjoy moments on the show where the person being interrogated points out just how absurd and out of place some of the questions the brothers ask are.

Dean’s snacking on candy.

How can Sam casually inspect a charred baby bone???

“He was so vanilla, he made vanilla seem spicy.” I love that line so much.

Oh honey, you don’t have to impress him!!

And now we have the second seriously disturbing death of the episode.

RIP Jenny.

Watch yourself, Dean.

Agent Seger.

Another hexbag.

Sam’s figured it out.

Samhain.

Dean always has to pepper in little jokes.

That’s so much candy, oh my goodness Dean.

Tracy is the connection between the victims.

AKA a witch, our MOTE.

Dean fantasizing about being a cheerleader. Oh hon.

Wow, Dean is beautiful. Look at ‘em freckles!

lmao the bong.

Don Harding.

Agents Geddy and Lee.

He really acts and talks like a teacher.

Oh, is it about to happen??

Wait, first the astronaut.

I love how Sam tried to give the kid candy but that good gesture got immediately shut down by Dean.

Astronaut’s mean mug and Dean’s reaction, lmaoo.

OOOOHHHH IT’S HAPPENING

SAM’S EYES JUST LIGHT UP WHEN HE HEARS IT’S CASTIEL

HE LOOKS SO HAPPY TO MEET CAS.

SAM’S SO FUCKING CUTE.

And then it’s gone once Cas mentions the “extracurricular activities” (which make me wonder if he was including the consuming of demon blood. It would give “the boy with the demon blood” a double meaning.)

Sam tries to participate in this conversation, but once its Dean and Cas talking to each other, it’s just them. They talk like they’re the only ones in the room, it’s mesmerizing.

Uriel. A “specialist.”

(Ok, scheduled commercial break, which gives me a good moment to type this thought out: Cas and Uriel’s true orders were to follow Dean’s lead. Knowing this gives such an interesting layer to this scene, to the way Cas talks to Dean. Hell, he looked so reluctant introducing Uriel because he knows what he’s capable of, and the thought of Uriel using his “special skills” bothers him.)

“purified a city” ugh noo

Sam looks so disillusioned.

Cas taking a step closer to Dean. Hot damn.

This is eye fucking. What they’re doing is a prime, perfect example of eye fucking.

But I swear to you, I can see Cas silently pleading with Dean to save the town.

Yep, Sam’s idea of angels comes crashing down.

“We don’t have a choice.”

“Of course you have a choice. What, you never questioned a crap order? What are you both, just a couple of hammers?”

The very beginning of Dean’s influence on Cas.

Yeah Dean, he’s questioning this one right freaking now.

Cas pulling a John card. Ouch.

Dean plants his foot: he and Sam are saving this town whether they like it or not...

(x)

Except Cas loves it, he looks relieved!

(x)

Dean standing up to Uriel. How fucking awesome is he.

Revenge of the Astronaut.

No, it’s not “nothing.” Let it out, Sammy.

Dean has always encouraged and supported Sam’s faith, even when he doesn’t have much himself.

Don’s in on this rising of Samhain business.

Our first Cas scene without Dean. On first viewing, I was really excited because it indicated to me that Cas was going to develop more as a character, which meant that we’d be seeing more of him.

“You know our true orders. Are you prepared to disobey?” No, but you will one day!

Our almost third sacrifice Tracy.

RIP Don

She’s monologuing.

Sam’s on the spot plan.

Samhain has risen

RIP Tracy.

Sam’s plan worked!

You should be thanking him, Dean!

To the cemetery!

“So the demon’s pretty powerful...” Nice conversation starter.

3 episodes after Sam declared he was done using his powers, he’s suggesting to use them....Sam.

ooohhh noooo

But also, who would have a party at a cemetery like this????

RIP Justin.

Sam and Dan arrive. Sam goes off to fight Samhain alone (*sighs in exasperation*) Dean saves the kids and fights zombies.

What an eerie parallel to “Lucifer Rising.”

Sam being confident af about being immune to the demon gun ray stuff. I guess I would be too.

“zombie ghost orgy” lmao

Damn, it seems as tho the knife would’ve worked out fine.

...but no.

gooooddd that moment when Sam sees Dean.

Are Sam’s eyes black???

RIP Samhain.

The sad, lost puppy look in Sam’s eyes... versus the disappointment in Dean’s.

I can only imagine the silent treatment Sam got after that.

Sam experiences being startled by the sudden and silent appearance of an angel.

I mean, yeah, I understood why Sam had to use his power...but it’s still disappointing and sad tho.

Sam tries standing up to Uriel like Dean did, but Sam is much more visibly scared.

Fucking Uriel throws Dean under the bus.

Sam also experiences being told vague things by an angel, only to have that angel vanish in a second the moment he tries to get a clear answer.

Cas and Dean moment!! Probably one of the most important ones of their relationship.

Dean made Cas laugh! Well...chuckle.

This had to have been the moment when Cas realized just how special Dean was.

“These people, they’re all my father’s creations. They’re works of art.” Thanks, Cas. :’)

“I’m not a...hammer as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore.”

You know what? Dean still hasn’t told another living soul about this conversation. :’)

Goddamn, do I love some Destiel.

[myoddlifestories]

Coronavirus - 2020

So normally I only write once a year at New Years to reflect on the year and write about my new year plans and goals. But today, I wanted to write a post on life at the moment, so at the end of the year I can look back and remember how crazy this is 

As I write this.. sat on the sofa in my running gear (i have started running now) with This Morning on the telly - Holly and Phil standing 2 meters apart, all guests by video calling them. Cooking shows from the chefs own home kitchen. It’s very surreal, but beginning to feel the new “normal”. 

It all started around December 2019, there were reports of a thing called Coronavirus in Wuhan China.  At the time, you think it’s another thing like Swine flu which affected us 10 years ago or so,  where it’s a bad flu, nothing to worry about. Or thinking, it’s not spread much - we will be ok in our UK bubble. 

We had a holiday end of April booked in to Japan, but we thought it will be all sorted by then surely? How wrong we were!

Sometime in January UK recorded a case, then from then on it escalated. It was okay until March time when everything became much more serious.

February 13th I had my wrist operation... plate taken out of my wrist in Orpington hospital, first time I ever had general anaesthetic, and my god it was good, I was quite nervous by thought of it, but on the day, I was pretty chilled and relaxed. I fully trusted the surgeon - Ramon Tahmassebi - private hand consultant at Fortius clinic.  He did a great job! Then,I went away to South Africa where me and kenny had the holiday of a lifetime. I then returned to work 1 month after my op - 14th March. More and more cases were announced, it was reported as a pandemic, but no real changes had been made, so couldn’nt be that serious issue ? We were just told to wash our hands regularly and cover our mouths if we cough or sneeze. At clinic, I was disinfecting EVERYTHING after each patient. And gettign patients to antibac before they come in. We were told not to shake hands. 

Other countries - particularly Italy, were a few weeks ahead of us and were suffering badly. Churches had been used to hold dead bodies, make-shift hospitals as not enough capacity. They were in a total lock down, only to leave house if they had a valid reason - walking dog or buying groceries. No exercise allowed outdoors. 

This is when the stock piling started. It started with anti-bac gel - my local pharmacy started to sell tiny little bottles which are normally£1-2 for £16 ! It was shocking. Toilet roll was impossible to get hold of. I went to every shop near me and all fully sold out. Only way to get some was arrived when delivery, Then it was pasta, bread and canned goods!  It was sad to see people being selfish, and out just for themselves. Photos of elderly people in empty aisles - unable to get essentials. Eventually a rule was set so that you could only get 3 of each essential item. Even as I write this, its a big struggle to find eggs and impossible to find strong bread flour... otherwise, the panic has calmed down now..

Then 23rd March Boris Johnson made an announcement - pre-recorded message which gave me chills. It now felt serious. We were going into lock down. We had to stay at home and only leave to exercise x1 daily, or go to shops for essentials. 

This meant we could not see family or friends. Not go to work. Not go to the park to sunbathe and enjoy the sunshine in spring. 

This is when shit got real. 

As me and kenny are both employed - this was a big financial hit for us. Still having to pay £1600 a month for rent as well as bills and profession subscriptions etc... Kenny was due to leave for Love Island US in mid may, which has been pushed back by months and no gaurantee of happening. So kenny had no work for months. 

I was only able to do video consultations, which meant my income dropped to about 25% . Later a scheme was announced they would help self employed buy paying 80% of their monthly income (upto £2500).  This wouldnt go live until June tho.. and Kenny was eligible for it as he hadnt been full time self employed in year 2018-2019.  Luckily we had savings for house, but ideally didnt want to dig into this. On top of this, Kenny found out he had a MASSIVE tax bill to pay in January.. a rather stressful time.

We both wanted to try do our bit during this time.

Kenny applied at supermarkets to help stack shelves to help with demand and worked at Tesco for a day - but it was so quiet, he wasnt doing much.  He was then offered a job for 8 weeks doing social media managing. CBS then said they will pay him a retainer fee - which gave us a massive relief with finances.

I spoke to Age UK to see how I could help , applied for NHS volunteering and applied for jobs as a HCA/ physio - to see what I could do. I decided against NHS work as Kenny has asthma and has been coughing a lot since Dec, so I worry how he would deal with Covid-19 and I would never forgive myself if he ended up in iTU. 

i accepted a role as volunteer at Age UK - delivering food parcels to the elderly and the telephone befriending. As the elderly and vulnerable had to self isolate for 3 months (until Mid June).  I was happy to do something and help in some way. I am doing volunteering alongside the odd video call. I have also been offered a job as a PIP assessor - which I can do training from home hwilst this lasts, offering 41k. I am due to start 11th May.

I also had an interview (all interviews are done via Zoom video call) with Spire Wellesly in Southend - band 5/6 outpatient physio job. It went amazing - they said they would have me in a heart beat and that I was a strong candidate. The interviewer said I would be better as a band 7 (senior physio) - but needed to speak to director about creating a role. which is promising! I am in no rush, but when we move, - whenever that will now be , it would be ideal.

So currently.. the situation is as follows.

- Restrictions to be reviewed on 7th May - possible lift ? - Everyone wearing masks (although government currently say no need), queues to get into supermarkets as limited number allowed, 2m distance markings on floors, plastic covers in front of cashier, contactless card,  - All restaurants, cafes, shops blocked up and closed. - Reduced trains and buses - Oxford street is empty and its so eery - Regents park is busy as everyone wants some green! - Everyone 2m apart - Everyone working from home / no school (unless parents are keyworkers)

I may write another update in 2 weeks time!

I will do another post with photos / and daily life/achievements during lock down`!

[horsebitesfence]

One year Sober – Sophie Helf interview

How is New York ? We know from Twitter and your guest spot on the Death Panel Podcast that you spent a year working toward moving back there, and you made it!   How has it been going so far?   

– It’s been wonderful. The past year was incredibly difficult – going through surgeries, relearning to walk – but I knew I wanted to move here so did whatever I could to heal up quickly. So far I’m quite happy here! It’s nice to be able to see all my friends, go where I want, explore different opportunities. Simple things feel so good – having my own room, living with nice people, ‘hustling’ for work (ha!). Not a fan of the weather though.

We really love your piece for the Outline, where you talk about inspo porn, being a little worm  and how you love your legs.  We I hear you’re getting new prosthetics –  how do they compare, and might they lower the chance of another infection? That must have made the move that much harder (and more inspirational).

–– Thank you! My new prosthetics will actually be vacuum-powered – every time I take a step the ends of my legs sort of get ‘sucked’ into the prosthetic, so to speak. Everything is custom made, from the liners to the sockets, so it’ll be a lot harder for my legs to chafe. The infection was miserable but has healed up pretty well so far. Sometimes the leg still hurts but not nearly as badly as it did before.

They sound cool and we hope it goes on healing really well.  

You’ve been tweeting about using the subway since you’ve been back there.  From here it seems like New York’s public transport infrastructure is pretty run down –  kind of hostile for users in general and especially for disabled users.   Has that been your experience?  

–– The infrastructure can be pretty shit, depending on which station you’re at. The one near my place is just a set of stairs leading underground that I have to carefully waddle down (though I’m getting better at that). Most people here stick to the ‘keep right’ rule, which is nice, but there have been occasions when I’ve had to dodge someone and almost fallen down. At the larger stations with various train lines there are elevators and escalators, but if you’re at a smaller one it’s probably just stairs. Good exercise, I suppose, but for people with mobility issues it’s incredibly unfriendly.

Sort it out NYC. You’ve lived in London, SF and New York;  how do the three cities compare in terms of transport, access, attitudes? 

–– The Bay Area actually has a fantastic subway system for disabled people. Every MUNI and BART station has an elevator and the trains can easily accommodate someone in a wheelchair. London stations were squeaky clean and most stations had elevators, even at the farther-out ones; I took it for granted at the time, but looking back it was very well put together. New York definitely has the most unfriendly transport system, but from what I’ve heard there have been rallies to make it more accessible, which I’m hoping leads to something better.

Yeah, London’s public transport infrastructure’s pretty good, but there are just so many people, and not everyone is good at keeping left or moving carefully.  It doesn’t help that the UK is one of the few countries where you’re supposed to pass on the left side, whereas London is such a global city that many people naturally tend toward the right.   

It’s better not to travel at rush hour if you can help it, but that’s not always possible, and it’s also pretty restrictive. London Transport now do a ‘please offer me a seat’ badge, but we also need ones that say ‘don’t push’, ‘give me space’, ‘keep your distance’ . Or maybe just ‘keep the fuck away from me.’ And more ‘keep left’ signs – it makes such a big difference. 

–– London transport gets so incredibly crowded, more than in New York or San Francisco, I think – I definitely understand why you’d avoid rush hour! I generally try not to go places during rush hour; seeing as I’ve mostly been working from home, it’s been easy to avoid it. I’m hoping to get a 9-to-5 job, though, and am not sure how I’ll deal with the crush. Stay posted for developments!

Yes!  Best of luck!  And best of health insurance. 

One of the many things to love about your Twitter is the way you tweet on MH stuff, and meds, and coffee, and coffee on meds. You also tweet about sobriety. What’s it like being at NY parties sober? 

–– I’ve definitely had my mental health issues in the past, which led me to getting sober. It’s the best thing I’ve done for myself, I think; my mental health, though not perfect, is doing better without the guilt I used to get when I’d wake up after a messy night out. I don’t really mind people drinking around me (or doing coke in some cases – oof) and people have been really respectful of my decision not to participate. I feel really lucky that hardly anyone’s pressed me on why I got sober; if someone does, I just say ‘I felt like it’ and don’t go into anything deeper because I don’t really owe anyone an explanation.

Yes to respectfulness, and to not owing.  And congratulations on a year sober. 

[One Horse Bite discloses: I spent years feeling shame about MH stuff, being in denial and trying to ‘act normal’, which in hindsight has had distorting life-effects.  I held out against doing psych meds for a really long time, even though they’re almost free, thanks to the NHS, what’s left of it – maybe that’s why they don’t get pushed on people here so hard.  After my accident, I finally gave myself permission to try meds, maybe because I felt like it gave me a concrete reason to need them, one that carries less stigma than mental illness.  And then I still wasn’t ok!  Both due to the accident and because I was already not-ok, pre-accident. The accident was the last straw really; like I had no spare capacity to handle it. Invisible Strings / @M_Kelter, who tweets on autism and depression, suggests that in place of ‘comorbidity’, we might use the term ‘meanwhile’. Meanwhile, I had to begin to address the MH stuff I’d already been carrying, and admit to myself I’d been carrying it all that time, as well as with the accident. Meds were helpful with that, even tho it took a bit trial and error to find the right ones;  for most of last year I was on what seemed to help at first, and then made me increasingly and dangerously disinhibited. There were – incidents, including but not limited to shouting ‘walk left’ at people on the underground. Still no ragrets – sort of; once I found the right meds, or the more-right ones, anyway, I kind of wished I’d started on them years ago, though it’s important to stress that nothing has helped so much as finally having stable housing for the first time in my adult life, post-accident. Also to note that my being in a state of ‘invisible homelessness’ at the time of the accident was a key causal factor in the accident itself. Meanwhile –. ]

Sophie, you went to art school, but studied design rather than fine art, and are now a coder; so while you’re art-world networked, hopefully you’re a bit less subject to the horrid vicissitudes of all that. How did you get into coding?  

–– I was at Central St Martins from 2012 to 2015, a couple of years after they moved into that awful Granary Building.  Very strange being there; they insisted that the great corridor in the centre was a space for collaborating, but you had to get express permission from tutors or higher-ups to put things there, and – I hated this – your tap-card could only get you into your studio.  So if you were a design student and wanted to go into the fine art studios, you’d have to borrow a fine art student’s card to get in. It really kept all the different programmes separate from each other and discouraged collaboration in the end.

–– I got into coding after coming back to California from CSM without a Bay Area design/art network, without any idea how to get a job. I needed a portfolio site to present my work on but hated all the templated ones (Cargo Collective etc.), so decided to learn a bit of HTML and CSS to build one myself. To my surprise, I really enjoyed it, so started learning JavaScript as well. Choosing whether to professionally pursue coding instead of design was a huge decision to make, but eventually I decided ‘fuck it’, successfully applied to and attended a coding bootcamp. 

Now I do front-end development, which focuses on the look and feel of a website and how a user interacts with it. It’s been interesting navigating the different splits and rivulets of ‘the coding world’, so to speak; there’s ‘the tech community’, which I do feel separate from as I tend to view coding just as something I do and not an entire lifestyle. Code can intersect with art and design in tons of different ways and I do like Twitter as a tool to keep up with some of the people I admire. 

Can we be really prurient and ask what you meant when you tweeted about missing mid-2000s SF ?  

–– I like this question! I guess it was a tweet that was sort of mourning what San Francisco used to be like back before it was stuffed and crawling with tech people. I was in high school in the mid-2000’s and specifically remember San Francisco as – scuzzier, I guess; still kind of eerie and loose and a little more dangerous. I was a little shit back then and spent a lot of time at a park called Dolores Park, which used to be crusty as hell and filled with naked hula-hooping people and boozy high schoolers passing around bad weed (including me and my friends). Now it’s squeaky clean and gets stuffed with frat kids on the weekends. I’ll admit that I do love to complain about current SF a little too much. Cities do change, of course, but it makes me sad that SF is so incredibly unaffordable and losing much of the weird, wonky character it used to be known for. It does still constantly smell like weed and piss though, which is oddly comforting.

Is that what made you so keen to get out of there, aside from the glut of other coders, and the fact that it’s your home town – or was it more about getting to NY  ?

–– Honestly I think you really hit the nail on the head re: tech people and hometown. It’s a tiny city and I felt like I’d explored every corner, done everything I wanted to there, and got a little tired of bumping into parents of kids I went to high school with while I was buying a Diet Coke at the grocery store. And yes, I really wanted to go to New York – a lot of my friends live here, and it’s a whole new city to get to know and explore. I’ve been here for a couple of months and feel like I’ve seen a tiny droplet of what’s out there, which I like. And, truthfully, it’s cheaper both transport-wise and rent-wise, which is important while I’m freelancing while looking for a job, and will continue to be nice once I’m salaried – more to save for retirement, health insurance and occasional fun things. I’ve wanted to live here since middle school so it’s nice to, you know, be here. I like it a lot.

Sophie, thank you!  Enjoy New York.  

Thank you for interviewing, this was very fun!

S

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