#and even then my earliest memories
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mother's ranting at my dad about how i need to get put on disability and "think of the future" and how horrifying and deranged and "killing her" i am again because i disagreed with her about how oil rigs are built after 20 minutes of her randomly voicing her out of context reactions to clickbait articles at me while i quietly made breakfast and she decided that meant i've been Harassing Her All Day and therefore every single interaction now needs to be a fight (preferably about immigrants somehow) again
she's also for some reason absolutely convinced that i'm "just mad because the toaster broke and taking it out on her"
i was... never even really upset about the toaster at all?? she was significantly more bothered by it than i was. like i can't even really say i felt even mildly annoyed by it? vaguely momentarily inconvenienced, at most, and i forgot about it entirely within like two minutes. trying to get a straight answer out of her about if i could safely put the slightly warmed bread back afterwards was significantly more irritating. but i guess anything goes in her mind if it means she can blame anything other than herself and make me look insane in the process, and so she's going around insisting to everyone that i'm an evil psycho that's "Abusing" her because i'm So Mad About The Toaster and the worst part is i know literally everyone and ESPECIALLY any hypothetical psych workers is going to believe her over me no matter what.
it's been like 20 minutes and she's still going on about how i need to "be an adult" and "plan for the future" and what a burden i am. at this point i'm convinced she gets off on going on like this about me.
#this woman has literally been accusing me of killing her with stress since i was 2#and has been insistent i'm doing so on purpose for equally long#she spent my whole childhood constantly telling me that she's going to be dead within the next two years because i'm such a horrible#and “difficult” child#just yesterday when i complained that even since i was a toddler people have never liked me and always treated me as less than human#she told me “weeeeelllll you are and were a very *difficult* person”#this is always her response to everything#that people as a whole are fully justified in treating me like an inherent threat no matter what all the time because i'm “difficult”#i was a fucking toddler#and even then my earliest memories
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pillowbook thoughts because ive been thinking about them all day!
#pillowbook#bfdi#i havent rewatched tpot in a long time i have like 0 memories of the earliest episodes#for all intents and purposes these are my ocs#im prob gonna end up watching tpot again soon tho#just ymmm not rn okay?#pillow is a good character because you never kno what shes thinking#you cant know. figuring out her thought process takes away her charm#its like dissecting a frog#u understand it but it dies in the process#book is going insane over here#bc the 1 thing shes trying desperately to do rn#is fit in with new friends#but shes surrounded by a bunch of fucking freaks#who if were put in a well adjusted society would be outcast#but book is a newbie in this stuff#she doesnt have room to talk rn#so shes just trying her hardest to gauge what is a new normal#but its hard when pillow is glued to your side for some reason#and even by these guys standards shes weird!#mixed signals :/#talk
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#my post#polls#my earliest memory takes place in 1998. I got a mulan toy at McDonald's 🥳... shan yu 🫤🤔#I had happy meal toys and stuff from before that but I can't place myself getting the toy as certainly#I even remember that I think we were out of state visiting family at the time lol
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#thinking of dinosaurs and troodontids were my favorite dinosaurs as a child#when younger i had a real full troodontid tooth fossil that meant a lot to me#for a time we lived within a few kilometers of hadrosaur sites and troodontid sites#while wider general area had many sites of recovery for the big celebrities like tyrannosaur and multiple dromaeosaurs#at that time troodontids were kinda infamous for i think the depiction in some childrens field guides and dino books#which depicted like a fantasy speculative humanoid troodontid based on 1980s model at Canadian Museum of Nature in ottawa#anyway would visit a small local paleo center a lot and woman in her 70s or 80s ran the counter of their center and rock shop#one day she asked me what my fave dino was and i said troodon so she pulled out the tooth and just gifted it to me#in little black case size of ring box with padding and transparent plastic viewing cover kinda like laminate for displaying a trading card#tooth got stolen from out my vehicle while giving some people a ride while at university before i got too poor for tuition#later during first year of pandemic owner of my storage unit died and new property owners threw away everything i ever owned#i was homeless anyway lost job due to early pandemic closures and had to allocate any money to insulin and other prescrip meds#but wouldve found a way to save my things if the new owners had contacted me#they threw out photoalbums y backpacking gear y books y musical instruments y clothes y artwork y camera y all family keepsakes#and all childhood treasures like souvenirs and gifts and school awards and writing portfolios and all the little memories#which i was always sentimental about as child#from earliest age my room looked like a natural history museum with plants and maps and library of field guides#and rocks and field trip keepsakes and all kinds of little animal figurines and mother had painted room in forest greens and browns#to feel like a forest and among the succulent plants and a globe sat the troodon tooth#parents passed when i was a child#never near any family and were always moving never got to settle into proper stable place then father passed after long sad illness#and mother put in so much effort but she passed few years later and i could not take care of myself or my remaining material possessions#and so im still quite hurt having nothing whatsoever remaining of my childhood or school friends or mother or life generally#and when trying to process grief my thoughts often come back to the troodontid tooth as a focal point a distillation of what was lost#even when young i knew it was advised not to become too connected to material physical possessions#but still there are some small little trinkets in our lives that seem to hold so much meaning and i tortured myself for losing that tooth#thinking about troodon reminds me of childhood
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#ok this one will be a vent#vent#tw vent#I can't fucking understand how there are people who don't constantly want to off themselves#like I can't even imagine that#it's beyond me#there was never time in my life when I weren't suicidal even my earliest child memories are connected to wanting to off myself#and also how the fuck am I supposed to do this all this stuff and have time for friends & family and have time for hobbies and have time to#rest and have time to do basic stuff like cooking and exercise#when most of my energy goes to not killing myself#idkidk it's all awful#I know you guys can't do anything with it and I promise I receive a lot of care and help from others so dw#it's just... idk bottling this keeps getting harder ig#I don't want to be a bummer so sorry for that#if you could send me a hug gif or something like that I'd be thankful
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woke up and got absolutely obliterated by a farcille fancomic on twitter how are you guys doing
#possramble#lsdfjvnsf it's by shindo9600 and you've probably already seen it if you're on twitter#i just. hooo boy i don't cry often#but that one was just like. every single had something that got to me and there were just like two pages in sequence that GUTTED me#i hate twitter's 4-image limit bc those two pages are split across two posts and like#i think it would have hit even harder if it was immediately in sequence instead of you having to click to another post#but jesus christ just. marcille holding falin and feeling the difference between little falin and the one in front of her#and then it cuts to two panels of her earliest memory of holding her father's hand and here last memory of it.#and then because it goes immediately to her hand on falin's face you don't get to see her expression until the next page#and it's just this held breath of grief and sadness until you see her smiling wryly and at least halfway reconciling with it#instead of flinching away from it#i had to put my coffee down and rub my eyes like wow.#i. god. what the fuck
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Meanwhile im still coping with being rejected and the subsequent solitude by dancing and eating unhealthy snacks while 'cleaning' my house \o/
#Freebooter4ever#I think i might unpause the o*nline d*ating again#But a bigger part of me is like whats even the point what the fuck do i have to offer#Like im just a waste of anyones time#i look so much like my mother from certain angles#she was roughly my age now in my earliest memories of her when she used to carry me and practice ballet in the living room
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I filed my taxes this week. Wanted to share what my brain replayed for me while I filed.
#sonic the hedgehog#this was my teenage brainrot#absolutely a sonic girlie#i even have a great big sonic t-shirt#some of my earliest memories was playing tails on StH2 with my brother#delighted that he's still engaging and fun for adult Raine#Youtube
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#I'm shit at remembering lots but listening to this is bringing up some of my earliest memories AHHH#ts1 soundtrack making me miss being barely a child yet. hells yeah#after ts1 soundtrack I'm gonna listen to the ts2 one and yall bet I'm gonna have a breakdown of sorts omg#bc ts2 I've played since I was a child. I played it before I could read!!! I learned what the commands were by memory! AAAHHH#and if I'll feel like it why not after that listen to the ts3 soundtrack as well. as I am playing some rn lmaoo#ts4? I don't know her 🥸 so I actually don't even know if the soundtrack of it is any good#anyway I'll go back to building in ts3 while tearing up at the ts1 music#anna talks
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Your boyfriend is awfully violent. What if he loses it on you like that?
((Anon, I'm going to assume you genuinely mean well and just want to poke fun at the thread I'm having with Fox via my Shiro blog, especially since I'm writing/tagging Dennis in that thread alongside them. I don't want to believe that you're acting maliciously, stupidly, or some combination of the two at once. But I need to take this ask you've sent and create a moment to remind everyone:
If there's any kind of confusion on what exactly these types of abuses are and-or what they mean, please feel free to google them before approaching me with questions. I don't mind elaborating on my own needs around them because my personal and specific triggers are not a google-able thing (for a variety of reasons), but I'm also not agreeable to the idea of explaining the bare bone basics of these types of abuse to people who are perfectly capable of researching the topics for themselves. Like, genuinely, it's not hard and I shouldn't have to put myself in a vulnerable position and do your homework on this. Seriously.))
#ooc post#anonymous#ask#tw: domestic abuse#and I'm sorry if this took on an irritable tone#but I am being very poorly reminded of an experience I had less than a year ago already#where I had to fucking explain to people what I meant when I said domestic and parental abuse#like this was not already a clear enough title and listing#I had to fucking spoon feed them information#and then they proceeded to not fucking care anyway and pushed back on me every time I expressed I was triggered by something#because I was the new kid on the block challenging the fucking main character syndrome brat#who couldn't fucking fathom someone else understanding abuse on an intimate level#but I was not openly discussing it for edge and coddling points because it's none of your fucking business#like the shit I could fucking tell ya that I've been made to live through is haunting#from my earliest memories at 4/5 years old to even right fucking now#there's an entire strip of road that I have to drive on a regular basis because it's on my commute to work#that just hits me with a god awful memory of being almost seriously hurt and possibly killed#so like#don't#capiche?
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sigh. so it's come to this has it. my life has arrived at the stage in which i am an absolute Tolkien nerd. alright then
#i am ok with this#i just. there are certain things that i care about enough to drop everything and rant about#air pollution. certain historical events. uuuummmmmm other things probably idk#im never aware of it until it happens. infodump mode can not be activated with love. only with setting the record straight#and now this is officially one of those things. alright then.#i was pretty happy that it was pretty much all stuff that never gets brought up casually for any reason but ok. alright.#just like how that post says it LOOKS LIKE he didn't even *start* it until age 45 but the roots of what made that world#stretched all the way back to childhood#so too my love for the things he made go back to my earliest memories. so really this was an inevitable thing#and a natural thing that i needed much growing up before i could appreciate them in this way#I'm not.. trying to say it's sophisticated or anything ........ just that this is more of a logical progression of things for me personally
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i would date an adult blonde if she looked like the dave strider crossplays i was infatuated with as a tween
#do girls even do that anymore dress up as their fav yaoi ship w their female friend and literally makeout there used to so many ask blogs w#that premise#its probably best they dont at least not put it online but what a shame some of my earliest gay memories are thru the conduit of like slash#the first girl i tried to kiss and definitely my first love we used to pass this number 2 college ruled notebook back and forth sitting next#to each other and write one line a piece of like our hetalia ocs x one of us playing the guy or just the regular ships or whatever and our#arms would touch sometimes
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if they do release not only logia but also main quest next month itll be over for me
#stardust speaking !#will not be grabbing logia until next anni earliest but like...............yknow....#my baby is not a threat................#that part where captains like 'ig this is what its like to have a mom'#IVE ALRDY talked about 1) grans feelings towards ppl who try to parent them (they hate it please dont) 2) how despite this IF logia had#stayed they wouldve been the closest to an exception solely based on being there since they were a kid#(other zinkenstill adults r in the same tier) at the end of the day while grans still processing the mess thats finding out about their#family they rlyyyyy are not open to anyone taking a parent role when they alrdy HAVE parents (even tho they have 0 memories of their mom)#gran vs reis pampering <-loves her seasonals#we need playable echidna NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW#u ever think abuot how they did that entire thing w gilbert and then went' welp thats enough'#logia if u were gonna make that mnay simulations u shouldve focused on keeping the otherworld away imo#holy fk why am i not sleeping yet
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It's not even that I believe I'll die young it's more like I just genuinely feel like I don't have a place in the world. Like. What now lmfao
#local shut in forced to go to grocery store took the long way home past my old school and even longer way home#the house i used to live in as a kid. like earliest memories like i have vague ass dreams about that house all the time.#not to. dox myself or anything LMFAOOOOOO#idk idk. i spent what feels like the great half of my life fighting for my life being pushed around to and fro#and then there was like One Blip where i felt alive and had agency and then suddenly the world crashed and burned#and in the fire i had already personally lost too much. i kind of just gave up. can't lose what you don't have. ect ect#the gunk...#my. sisters are still overseas LMFAOOOO#i really do just feel like i'm having a character arc about it. like damn........... i'm fine on my own but not like this.............#i think about it all the time but i give moe like one month in askr before it cracks and has a major mental break about it LMFAOOOO#for the record i'm fine i'm just. 25 and going nowhere.#i think. i'm 25. honest to god when my oldest sister asked me how old i was i said 24 til my other sister was like#milo you just turned 25 LMFAOOO#i. forgor.#time isn't real anymore.
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Yall help my mother has finally learned how to love me and im trying to let it reach the littlest parts of me that have always felt unloveable
#she just came in. put two water bottles in the nightstand. said ‘here. ur gonna be dehydrated I haven’t seen u drink water all day’#(I love water)#day before yesterday she made me breakfast. she has not made me breakfast more than a handful of times since I was 7. not bc she didn’t want#to she was just always working.#(I am usually too nauseas to eat breakfast)#two months ago she came into my room while I was still asleep in the early morning to tuck my hair behind my ear and tell me she was going#to an appt and she’d be back around noon.#(my earliest memory is being left home alone not even my siblings left with me)#how do I accept this love????
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Not anon for the ask meme I am biased so I'll say your selfships with Maxi and Aqua! From what I know about em? Very good. 10/10 top tier selfships
YAAAYY Thank you!! Those two are so special to me!
#answered#I've been a s.oulcalibur player since i came out of the womb LMAO my earliest memory is playing soulcal#at my grandma's house. i was playing tira and my uncle was playing nightmare and i was getting my ass beat#fun times#m.axi is just so cute!!! manifesting a sc7#and yesyes i know the dude who brought the series back left bandai namco but shhhh i still hold onto hope!!! my soul still burns!!!!!!#and a.qua.. AHKDAHSKQ.. Wifey! I'm really proud of all the lore i've written for that ship ajsjajsjs my wife!#i even have my a.qua plushie right next to me!#thank you :D#the dandy of the south seas 🌊 🤍#a heaven full of stars 💙❤️#a.qua plushie says hi <3
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