#and even the ppl i talk to i just cant let myself be vulnerable and be myself. its like i don't know how

[stabyou]

the way i need genuine intense psychological rewiring just so i can talk to people in a normal setting is just crazy to me. i would ask what happened to me but i have always been this way, it just keeps getting worse and worse

[rainsoftenings]

pls give us ur analysis on transfem nonbinary tenma 🤲

hello ken!! of coarse... preemptive disclaimer before anything else that i myself am not transfem nor do i claim to speak for them. i have just simply observed that a lot of the problems tenma seems to face are also rlly common transfem-specific issues. you can make a fairly strong argument for a transfem tenma reading imo. putting this under a cut bc it got kind of Long

ok in order to talk abt this. we have to talk abt eva. i am not naive enough to write off eva as all bad bc she DOES have redeeming qualities and is not to blame for everything that happened to them. but i do think eva was uniquely bad for their already poor self-esteem and that they likely latched onto eva as hard as they did in order to feel Normal. from the information we are given abt their childhood both in the main story and in Another Monster, as well as lunge's observations that they don't even fit in among other japanese people, it's clear tenma has felt marginalized and/or stripped of agency for a very, very long time. their family dynamic (cold mother who openly favored their half-siblings over them, father who pressured them to become a doctor for his own personal gain. their only sibling who still talks to them only does so bc he wants them to take his job) as well as their willingness to bond with people who hurt them (it is specifically mentioned that they made friends with their childhood bullies, who called them a sissy and left them alone in the woods. this only happened bc they were impressed with tenma's bravery in staying out overnight) seems to have led them to minimize their own desires and become extremely meek. arguably them fleeing to germany in order to escape their father's desire to have them work at his hospital was their best attempt at fighting this, but it backfired bc the heinemanns immediately picked up on their vulnerabilities and exploited them.

back to eva. where udo preying on tenma's insecurities and desire for approval was certainly intentional, the worst part abt their relationship with eva is that i dont even think eva was consciously aware of what she was doing to them/their feelings in general. she is very much a person whose life was meticulously laid out for her in advance and when it diverged from this plan she ended up at a complete loss. her insistence that they did "everything she asked" (with the sexual implication being extremely obvious) as well as them acquiescing to doing things they don't like in order to feel worthy of her love (to the point of even letting her pick out their outfits!)... well, it reads a LOT like comptop to me. it seems very similar to the relationship between trianon and oenone from serious weakness at times; though they differ in several key aspects, it's clear that when they got together both tenma and eva were looking at each other more symbolically than holistically. to tenma, eva was the normalcy and love they so desperately craved; to eva, tenma was supposed to not only be subservient to her (bc she cant imagine not being doted on), they were also supposed to be the Husband and rake in lots of money for the hospital, in essence putting them to the same end as their father initially wanted for them without consideration if that's what they actually want. losing eva causes tenma to get a fuller picture of who she rlly is very quickly, but it takes eva So much longer to do the same for them. and the heartbreaking thing abt this is that even though eva backstabs them several times and makes attempts on their life, whenever she's in danger they instantly go to great lengths to save her. it's second nature to them

this damaging selflessness doesnt extend to just eva, either- it's arguably the entire basis of their character. i think it's very interesting (read: sad) that in addition to their kindness simply biting them in the ass multiple times/tenma deliberately disallowing themself anger and smoothing over relations with ppl who have betrayed them in the past bc theyre so desperate for anyone to be their friend or ally, this is nearly always paired with bodily neglect. we literally see tenma struggle to eat consistently over the course of the manga, from smth as simple as a waitress deliberately offering them extra soup when she sees that theyve not eaten anything, to stuff as dramatic as them collapsing in prison from lack of food and sleep and needing hospitalization. im tempted to highlight the contrast between grimmer having a picnic with them out of nowhere and eva deliberately ruining the picnic they tried to have with her too but i feel like that's fairly well trodden ground analytically, but it still deserves a mention here. they are notably more gaunt by the end of the series than they were when they started out, i think it's most obvious when you see they've cut their hair back to its original length and it serves to emphasize that they'll never be the same person again. i think it's also noteworthy (though certainly unintentional) that urasawa uses them growing out their stubble as a marker that their mental health is yet again at its lowest. i am reminded of the time i took a dissociation test and it gave me a result that ppl with eating disorders typically score. i don't think i have one, just dysphoria, but with tenma it seems a lot like both at once.

put all together, and given the themes of the manga? i dont think transition would save tenma. not even close. but they should do it anyway if only because it would be an easy way for them to start being kinder to themself again, a skill they badly need to learn. if they could just take that first step toward giving themself a little mercy i think they would be a lot happier with themself. they already have two kids who love them completely unconditionally, i think having that extra support would be great for them! and also i think they're hot and i'd like to see ppl draw (NORMAL, NON RACIST) art of them in dresses and with sweaty small boobs and so on. Sue me ngl the nonbinary part is simply bc i think theyd feel some distance from womanhood after having been excluded from society in multiple ways for so long, that little extra bit of dehumanization tends to manifest in weird ways wrt ppl's internal perception of gender. and imo theyd be so tired by the end of everything that i highly doubt theyd enjoy being thrust into an entirely new set of gendered pressures and just want to skip the whole business. but i am open to any and all permutations of transfem tenma. i want them to be happy!! in conclusion:

[bunnihearted]

im straight up not allowed to make a single mistake by my family. my sisters do things all the time, even sometimes with ill intent, but they never get scrutinized or bullied for it. but as soon as i make on single thing wrong im an evil cruel bitch who "plays games" and "thinks it's fun to mess with them". anytime i do smth wrong it hurts so i wanna kill myself. why would i do these things for fun?? they never ask themselves why i did smth or how it happened, they just immediately draw the conclusion that i did it with malicious intent and on purpose. they've made me so terrified of doing anything at all bc im scared i'll even breathe wrong. and now when im in such a vulnerable mental state i accidentally slipped and made one mistake. and now im basically being burned at the stakes for it.

they've never shown me compassion or patience. they never let me change - bc they have decided that i do it for fun and everytime i do smth it's bc im a bad toxic evil person. i feel so suffocated here i dont know what to do. i feel like such a terrible person who's nothing but a burden who'd do everyone a favor if i just died. but no. whenever i've expressed my suicidal thoughts to my family, they say that im incredibly selfish for even saying such things and hurting them. i dont even threaten suicide, i've told them calmly at other times when i've tried to talk abt my mental health bc ppl always say that u should talk abt it LMAO. whatever i do, they judge me. whatever i say, they dont believe me. that's what hurts the most. they dont believe me. bc they think im not making mistakes, they think im playing and having fun bc im a bad person. that hurts so fkn much. they have no idea what's happening in my head, and they also wont listen to me when i try to explain.

i cant do this anymore. i'll never heal while i live with these ppl. i hope i one day become strong enough all on my own (since the healthcare system wont help me. my family wont help me.) to move away and just be alone forever. no one around me to hurt me or believe the worst of me. im tired. i want someone to be gentle and understanding. to listen to me. to believe me. is that such an awful selfish thing to wish for? i'd do it in return to, i'd never take smth and not pay it back tenfold.

[idealspawn]

tbh now that i think of it i kind of needed him not for himself but for myself too. so that is fucked up a bit maybe from my side too. like that i needed someone secure enough to kind of mm trust them and be truly honest and transparent and loving and giving but not because i so very much loved them and wanted to give TO THEM but to see if i can trust myself to let myself be giving. if that makes sense. to let myself try be securely attached. but not necessarily because im madly in love. but like train my vulnerability. he said he read my poem and it was nice, cheesy at times but with good parallels and metaphores. i explained one part to him more in detail too bc it was pretty open to interpretation. he said he will write it down but i dont think he will. but it also feels so cringe because he was meant to read it when he still had feelings for me. also a good um.. stepping stone for me i guess. to admit i have feelings for someone still when they dont, although im acc not too sure myself how much i was truly madly attached either. feels good to swallow my pride though. i also tend to lose feelings when ppl arent attracted to me which is good. i dont have a problem w chasing him. im attracted to ppl being attracted to me which in a way, from me, is also a bit fucked up. he also didnt become a part of my real immediate daily routine as i didnt really text w him too much. we just were together irl a lot and really present in those times. and i also made sure i didnt abandon my friends this time so i still massively have my support system w me. but it sucks a bit bc i literally talked abt him to so many of my friends but its okay like i dont owe anyone anything to last just bc i talked abt it. and shit changes. just bc i said sth true in one moment doesnt mean i has to stay true forever or that now that it isnt true anymore that it couldnt have been immensely true at one point. one thing that was pretty fucked up tho is that he told me he wanted to have sex w me just bc he was looking for certainty and answers abt his feelings from there not bc he acc felt connected to me. like i usually.. want to be intimate when i feel love not disconnect..... and now he said he didnt find it from there. but like.. we were literally both so high and it was such a bad situation. no wonder you cant feel a spark bc i was literally numb like a vegetable. he said he knows it was a bad decision but like why do you take this situation to tell you clues abt what next then. and like. the same way with all our previous hangouts when i felt sth off. like the reason it was off was bc he was off and not fully honest abt it. it felt like such a relief when he said all the words out so rawly at last and i felt i could come out of this weird anxious shell of a performance i had on w him the past few times bc of the way i felt sth was weird but i couldnt tell what it was so i couldnt fully be normal myself either. so like the last times he gave me "chances" couldnt have been proper chances to show him anything true bc it didnt feel like... normal. there was an elephant in the room that was standing right between us. but he refused to address it when i tried to. i guess i got my answer that its not that im weird that i keep getting into these awk situations but that the other person feels weird and that is the thing affecting me. im fucking normal. i cried a bit too like its not that i am not affected by it at all but i think im kind of fine. i anyway didnt see him for 2 weeks now. its just weird bc we had plans which made us be together daily for like 2 weeks straight and um. i dont know if i can do that. even if we are friends bc i dont usually do that w my friends really. its weird. but like. fuck idk.

[magnoliamyrrh]

wait sry this is gonna b dark tw or some shit

one of the most frustrating conversations ive had w a friend that like. keeps haunting me. was one on how to protect ppl & kids from sa (the conversation being that in a world after idk a revolution, they were arguing we shouldnt just kill all pedos, bc somehow even killing them is bad/inhumaine or even keeping them captive their whole lives is inhumaine, we should just brand them so everyone knows and relese them. and i was like no sorry this is insane, theyre still way too fucking dangerous and im not taking any god damn chances, im shooting them right in the head or at the very least ill accept castration and both hands being cut off and being exiled incredibly far away which frankly, is more cruel than death and means a slow death or at the very least im locking them away somewhere. f o r e v e r) but. part of this conversation was abt teaching children to protect themselves from sa, which, important, society particularly ppl who raise kids dont have it enough and dont teach kids enough anatomy and "tell me if x happens no matter what" sorta stuff and parents dont know the signs to look for and shit. but like idk. while we were talking abt it and i said like, especially in this idk scenario being discussed but in any world, thats not enough. like, thats not enough, theres still cases in which this wont actually stop or do shit and we cant let known fucking pedos run around just bc theyre branded. and this person was straight up staunchly arguing with me that nope, nope teaching kids works 100% of the time and it would be 100% avoidable and i was just there like???? motherfucker apart from the fact that children at times end up isolated and theyre vulnerable and cant just like run away to their parents at suspicious shit, and that i care more abt prevention than it not happening again bc once is already bad fucking enough,,z,,, i just had to get to the point of arguing like. my bro you cant teach a nonverbal child this shit. you literally cant. and they kept pushing and i was so frustrated bc its like. like please fucking explain to me what anyone could have taught me when i was a toddler and barely fucking spoke or understood shit at all and had approximately 0 strengh to "protect myself." please.explain a single god damn fucking thing i could have done when i was like. 2. or less or even 3 and anyway already had attachment and trust issues. f u c k i n g p l e a s e. tell me what i could have possibly fucking done. uhm. anyway. mentally processing just like utter helplessness in the face of evil which has fucked me up for a lifetime uhm, was not pleasant. im, like, not okay lmao. anyway. we should kill them all

[jxnmzko]

something that kinda pisses me off but i also can’t b pissed off bc of hypocrisy maybe is how like a lot of wlw relationships are soooo like not taken seriously like the hook up culture and all that is a lot to me personally just bc i love the thought of love and every aspect of it and still have hope for something unique and deep. Maybe that’s delusional to some bc of how stuff is now but bruh it pisses me of how i could talk to a girl and it feels like im talking to a whole ass man with the way they perceive relationships and how little commitment and care there is involved. And there’s where the hypocrisy comes in bc although i feel as if i value connections and commitment, in a moment of vulnerability i took advantage of someone who rly did want something with me but at the same time i knew their true intentions weren’t serious with me and i needed that validation bc i was hurt by another girl. It made me feel better bc i didn’t lie about my feelings or past or anything so she was fully aware my feelings were reserved elsewhere but still i took part in the thing i complain about right but i can sit back and acknowledge that and learn from it i guess. Regardless of my feelings not being deep for her i still cared for her and bought her stuff/flowers/ took her on dates/made food for work lunches bc at the end of the day we agreed to b committed and deserve to feel love and cared about . Overall I just hate how little care there is like the point is that i fall in love w u and get to know u deeply and we can both add to each others lives in positive ways. but then again i��m like the worst person for someone to want bc the way i have crushes is crazy and i get so attached and i don’t think someone else deserves an unhealed version of me that i wouldn’t even be able to handle if those deep insecurities i have were to ever form into another being. Like i truly thing the girl i had dated when i was rly going through it was that inner version of myself and it definitely gave me a perspective i wasn’t expecting, and in no way am i trying to bash her but truly she was very toxic and those habits were definitely things i had done in most of my romantic connection. Like i wouldn’t want to be clingy and not trusting overall just insanely overbearing to my partner like they don’t deserve it and neither do i, It has to be something gentle and healing. like so many ppl even her jumped from relationship to relationship and sure some can heal faster than others but if u genuinely CANT fully commit or even be content within yourself and consistently project any of that onto others like take a step back and think is this benefitting me in way long term? or even the other person? like cmon and im trying to heal those parts of myself u know but sometimes when i talk to other ppl this shit just be pissing me off like wdym they’re friends w their ex and hang out without telling u sometimes??? LIKE HUH why is it normal to keep an ex in ur life ? i get under CERTAIN circumstances that could be okay but a lot of time these girls still have feelings involved and can’t let go 😭 this shit is so normalized it’s unfortunate like wdym yall hooked up and have sleep overs every other night and fall asleep on the phone and go on dates but yall aren’t dating TF? i RATHER DIE than go through that and if at any point i even consider dating men again BRUH i will not take birth control ever for nobody and i will not be sexually unfulfilled ever so if that shits trash imma say it and i won’t take any shit like that either. If i’m talking to a girl and i like her then it’s bc i want some gentle real connection i don’t wanna feel like im talking to a selfish man with commitment issues like at that point id rather just actually talk to a man for that

[vencyrus]

just gonna rapid fire some awful thoughts that would make my brother hit me over the head with a metal bat // just kidding i accidentally started ranting about my bpd

as an aromantic that is desperately clawing at the chance to feel love, i fear i would become a "he know where home at" kinda gal but i think the concept, while horrifying irl, would make such a beautiful literary device

i have been drawing myself for goretober but not posting any of it bc i think it might be a form of self harm and i dont want to face this problem with my therapist yet

me posting art is actually exposure therapy as suggested by my therapist for my bpd because i crave attention in such a bad way that it actively affects my mood and motovation for weeks at a time when i spend so much time on something only to recieve no recognition for it

this honestly would be a non issue if my friends would actually talk to me bc i used to be okay with sharing things with just the two of them but theyre both so busy all the time and they dont really make the effort to talk to me so it is so disheartening that i dont even try to talk to them that much anymore

i want to make new friends bc i got some rly cool mutuals and ive met some rly nice ppl in the mistria server but i fear i am not in the proper headspace to be making new friends and my therapist agrees but it has been so lonely lately

i also have not had an FP in like years which is really good progress but thats also such a long time to be lonely. im a very codependant person. ive spent so much of my younger days attached to people that i really dont know who i am without that but id like to find out.

i think the combination of aromantic and boderline personality disorder is going to end me bc i want to be able to give my entire being to one person so much that it hurts to be away from them and i want them to feel the same way but i cant love them in a way that truly matters and thats just not fair for them. and im not being fair to myself either because im just essentially looking for someone to leech onto, someone to tell me how i should feel, someone to emulate, someone to admire. ive spent so much of my life being other people i dont think ive ever known how to be myself

i cannot feel the calm i feel when im drawing. its becoming such a vicious cycle of drawing to decompress then spending the next few hours stressing when something doesnt do well then drawimg again. lather rinse repeat

anyway! i hate being vulnerable but man does it feel good to throw this all out into the void. its like letting loose a message in a bottle out to sea. so just to balance all that, let me just say some out of pocket stuff since no one is gonna read this far into it.

im a coulro/dacry/hemo-phi11iac.

one time, in the middle of a Hook^ my partner noticed my glasses faintly glew in the dark so she wanted to turn off the lights so i could pretend to be the invisible man from hotel translyvania

this dude was tryna be flirty by speaking french but my native language is super ugly tbh and im not fluent in chamorro or carolinian bc im so disconnected with the other side of my herritage so i just whispered omae wa moe shindeiru in return

[bratz-kitten]

Eva, since you have BIG DICK ENERGY, have you thought about possibly making a post about aspects and romantic partners you would be attracted to because of them. (i hope I explained it well enough) just a thought! take care

as in, who i feel attracted to because of my bde, or placements who i feel have bde? both options lead to the same answer, so. alright, buckle up

PLACEMENTS I’M DRAWN TO DUE TO THEIR BIG DICK ENERGY

leo suns: i don’t run but if the person is extremely cocky and annoying i might just jog a little.... olympics edition. i really like people with an unshakeable sense of self-worth and if a leo sun is anything is someone who WILL fight for that confidence. they’re so fun to be around even if most of them end up hating me due to severe personality clash. everything is all or nothing with them, it can’t just Be. they always have to blabber about their music taste and style and favorite art pieces and opinions and i am a hole for strong personalities

planets in the 4th house, especially sun and jupiter: strong protective instincts, everywhere they go they look to build (and lead) their pack. the most imaginative and philosophical people ever (sucking my own cock here, forgive me). attribute meaning to things that are already so meaningful within themselves. always seeking to experience the highest emotional experience, sometimes to their detriment by getting involved in chaotic situations. can make anywhere feel like home. secret crybabies. also make the most emotional gifts ever??? they can’t just buy you a gift they have to write a 10 page long letter to come along with it. lovers of books cats and cuddles

pisces moons: i am not gonna repeat for the 1000th time how much i love this placement, they are THE moon sign, they make me feel so emotionally vulnerable and that’s uncomfortable but so so hot. their brains...... oh my god their brains. it’s a whole 3 universes up in that bitch; their imagination.... they have the minds of a mastermind. they’re always excited about a book or game or anime and when they tell me about it i want to cry about how precious it is. they get me excited about things that i had no knowledge about previous to them talking to me about it

scorpio moons: dark tortured artists. slightly off-putting..... beautiful nonetheless. very dependable. i will barely know them but if they tell me it’s gonna be okay then it’s GONNA be okay. eye contact with them feels like snorting a line of cocaine (seriously i have never met people so into eye contact.... i went on a date with a scorpio moon once and at one point i had no idea what we were talking about i could only focus on the way his eyes were like. trying to look into my soul. dude it was scary but exhilarating)

mars in scorpio: they just... get it. so emotional. make a big fuss out of everything. sex has to be an insane soul-bonding spiritual experience for them. it cant ever be just sex. they cry a lot. feel a lot. big dick energy is emotional depth for me

libra risings: i can fix them

gemini mars: i can’t fix them. i will make them worse. and i’m down for it

mars-venus: these people are so fun slightly insane but they Get me. the type to joke about setting my house on fire if i don’t answer them for 5 minutes. the type to joke about getting married to me even if we’re just platonic and suddenly we’re getting the rings and a priest’s blessing and laughing our way through it. bad ideas and terrible thought-out plans but it always makes for great stories

mars-pluto: especially square. they’re very over-protective and even in friendships im drawn towards ppl like that because i know i can be very overbearing as well and the way they go batshit crazy when someone mildly offends you.... disrespectfully, i am a hole. also, they... have terrible ideas. i like tagging along under the pretense of wanting to make sure they don’t get arrested, but secretly i love it

mars aspecting the ascendant/sun/moon: look, i don’t have a hero complex. if anything, i have a lucifer complex (i’m here to sin and be sexy)....... but i am a sucker for people with hero complexes. they see the world as a fight they have to win, i want to be there when they do

no virgo in their birth chart: feels like heaven to me. okay let me reiterate: i love having friendships with virgo placements; most times, at least, but i don’t think it could ever escalate into anything more. they’re too controlling and i feel paranoid and suffocated about people trying to overpower me way too easily. i just... immediately run away as soon as they pull their controlling antics on me

uranus dominants: AHHHH!!! AWOOGA! okay at this point this is a post about how i want to marry myself, but truly. no one is more unpredictable than these people. as soon as you think you’re understanding them they pull a 360 on you and you’re back on square zero. layers upon layers.... upon layers.... upon layers? what is this, shrek? sexy and insane the bestest combination ever

saturn in the 1st/8th/12th house: i will follow them to the depths of the underworld if they ask me to

cancer suns: yes i do want to sleep with the enemy. no i will not elaborate.

[polyamorouscultureis]

How can I overcome the guilt of being a bad communicator when im angry? I’ve been told I come off passive aggressive. im just in my head a lot and thinking of a respectful way to react. Other people view it as childish for not communicating my feelings instantly. Its hard for me to know what im feeling and why and i just feel like thats for me to figure out BEFORE I bring an issue to someone. For context i met this guy and I feel like we both moved too fast out of lust. He was going through alot (idk why i always attract ppl at this stage in their life) He lost a family member, and just got out of a relationship. He said the relationship was dead long before it was over but he was still working through things within himself because of it. He said he still felt emotionally available, but i’m realizing now when he still had a lot to work on he was removing the romance aspect of that.. which i didnt understand at the time and asked twice because I felt confused. So I let him know I dont want anything casual/FWB, and he said he didnt either. We’d hang out and he’d be like “we’re on a date” and it felt manipulative once I really started to think about it. Why use that language if we arent actually building on something? After we were intimate with eachother he said “i wouldnt fall in love with me right now. I just dont have the capacity to receive/give love romantically how i normally would” i didnt say anything then because he was being honest and vulnerable but it hurt. I felt manipulated. Probably manipulated myself into thinking something good could come from this. I dont have many experiences with good/honest men. Even though that is the bare minimum.. I wanted to hold on because i felt like i deserved to be loved, but also recognized he cant.. and i just feel like he had just as much responsibility to leave me alone knowing that. I’m also holding myself accountable because so did I. I left something at his house and went to go get it. I was so passive aggressive, told him nothing was wrong, tried to walk away from him after getting my stuff. I thought it would be best to just ghost him. I already caught feelings and it’d hurt too much if he chose to gaslight me to my face. I didnt want to break down in front of him. He called me once i got to my car and cursed at me.. i was so triggered i brought everything i was feeling to his attention in an accusatory way and i feel so much guilt because i feel like maybe if i wasnt so emotional about the situation he would’ve heard me out. I just felt like he could’ve been more sensitive and understanding to how i reacted especially because I previously explained i’ve been through emotionally/sexual abuse. He called me selfish, told me we’re done and its all my fault, and didn’t even acknowledge my explanation for reacting that way. I apologized a few days later once I cooled off but he ignored it, told me if i had more grace he’d have more empathy..and blocked me. Then he went on twitter ranting about “weird women” and it hurt. He knew i would see it. I dont think i’d ever rekindle anything with him. Im not sure if i dodged a bullet or let my anxiety get the best of me. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt for how it ended even though i tried to rectify things, and I think we both could’ve handled eachother better or maybe i am selfish..? Regardless how can I move on from the guilt of how it ended and him in general? Should I block him back?

Wow, this is a lot. I'm sorry you've been through this.

From your original question, being a "bad communicator" when you're angry suggested to me that you're the kind of person who needs space to collect their thoughts before being able to have a mature conversation, which is perfectly fine - I'm like that too!

But given this story you followed up with, sounds like the instance you are talking about where you didnt tell him what was wrong was long after these mismatched expectations had been established. You told him you wanted more than FWB, and he didnt want to move beyond something casual. You both were going through really hard periods of your life. It's possible that subconsciously, you didnt feel safe speaking candidly to him yet, considering your past with abusive men.

However, considering the aftermath of all that, I do think you dodged a bullet with him. You said you told him everything you were having issues with (even if emotional, you still told him, which is good!) and his response was to turn to name calling and vagueposting on Twitter? That does not point to a communication problem on your end.

At the end of the day, I do think it's best to block him and move on. What do you get out of that relationship? I know it's hard to know people are upset with you, but given what you told me I think you both need space from each other.

Best of luck to you anon ❤

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 9 (part 1)

“ppl & feelings can’t be bound down”~

What an ep for my girl tohru! She completed her growth thanks to kyo’s rejection. really, It was so hard, cruel, understandable but above all so necessary for her to reach a logical realistic conclusion that “I can love/want things from the bottom of my heart, but at the end I can’t force or bound them to me, I won’t regret loving/wanting them, but I’ll move forward regardless, no more standing still”.

-The fear of being alone:

Aren’t we all? We’re scared to face the word after breaking bonds, changing, not getting what we want, having to start over. Such feelings run deeper into us all. Both tohru & akito were scared to face the word without the old comfortable bond that they got used to:

Tohru realized today, that she cant keep talking to a cold photo, can’t live according to her mom’s expectations, to fulfill her mom’s wishes, can’t narrate her daily life to her mom & fill her life with other ppl’s own issues to distract her self from facing her own loneliness & from looking deeper into what should she do with her life. As she fell in love with kyo, tohru started talking to him! forgetting to inform her mom abt her life’s details, thinking abt what will she do “after graduation?”. As kyo asked in se02, ep2. Graduating highschool is ur mom’s wish, What would u wanna do after?” Tohru didnt have a response of “an after”cuz her mom wasnt there to tell her! Tohru has to choose “the after” herself!!!! “The after” was being with kyo & starting life together! figuring what to do next together! She no longer alone! she found her most precious person!

Except: he cant be with her. Again tohru is scared. What to do now! she wanted a bond but is forced to leave it. Loving kyo was stage 1 to be free from her grief. Moving forward without kyo is stage 2 to learn not to repeat the painful journey again! She didnt let go of her mom & kyo easily. It was hard, scary but she must do it. You must respect their wishes & move on. As scared as she is, there will be sadness & happiness ahead.

Akito realized she cant keep an empty box, cant keep fulfilling her dad’s wishes to “be loved & special” cant bound the zodiacs to her for good. They may love her or not, it doesn't matter, if they wish to leave for whatever reason, she cant force them to stay.

Except now that the zodiacs are leaving, what does she have to live for? who will be with her? she isnt good with strangers? she never met anyone who wasnt forced to obey her & be grateful for her. Strangers cant be forced to love her! what will she do now? stretch you hand for a greeting. Tohru told her, make a friend, they might refuse you, but hey might accept u too, I’ll make it easy, Hi, I;m tohru, whats ur name?

The power of true love: ( reality vs fiction)

In fairy tales, the princess fix the prince. the prince save the princess. The prince kiss the princess, she wakes up & they be happy ever after. Except real life has no prince & princess, You cant always be saved, you cant always save others, pure intense true love cant always be the answer!

Yuki was first when tohru needed physical saving. he saved her twice! Yuki’s nickname in school ”the prince”. Yuki is always cool, thoughtful & kind. Yuki always knew what to say & do! he deserves tohru’s romantic love more than kyo, right? But “ppl & feelings can’t be bound down”~ . Yuki didn't feel this way towards tohru, granted no one (excepts kakeru) knows the reason why he loves her fondly (she’s his mom figure). The official” prince isnt the one for her. Real life isn’t a fairy tale. Yuki has someone who sees he isn’t cool, perfect or a prince “ granted no one knows abt machi, yet! ) XD

In tohru monologue: she didnt think abt saving, that's not why she loves kyo. She stated normal, silly, mundane things! a shy smile, awkward kindness & the likes. Stuff ppl love abt each other in real life. You dont say, I love my husband cuz he saved me from a burning building in the 7th floor! lol. But fiction is so full of this. Princes saving princesses.

Tohru didnt fix kyo, too! as much as her love helped him greatly to find hope, the best writing choice is that tohru’s love also brought despair to kyo! To him, she’s the symbol of hope, peace & comfort! she’s also, the symbol of despair, torment & unease! EPIC! The kyo who’s stuck in the past cant be with her, the kyo who will move beyond trauma, abuse & broken soul will be with her. The duality is all on kyo’s shoulder: what will he choose? Can he choose in his state now?

In fairy tales the princess wakes up after the kiss. In real life, we don't. Tohru didn’t. Regardless if she fainted during or after the kiss. The kiss fixed nothing. Kyo’s despair in seeing near-dead tohru in a not-so-subtle mimic to his nightmare, has manifested itself into the sweetest kiss upon seeing her conscious & talking. Kyo isnt good with words, his actions are his words. When he’s scared, sad, in trauma: running away. when he’s  fond of her, grateful for her existence: head knock, head pats, hand holding & a kiss. Still the kiss fixed nothing. Kyo is still traumatized more than ever now. Tohru still feels rejected “even if I’m not with you, plz live”.

Talking fixes everything. It didn’t here, kyo & tohru talked & showed their most vulnerable side to the other, but still didn’t meet half ways, regardless of all the love. That’s cuz they keep missing each other’s best timing. Kyo is stuck in the past while tohru has moved forward. even if in her mind she’s the one who stood & he moved. this shows they aren’t on the same wave yet. Before meeting each other again, kyo must learn from his mistake like tohru did. He must face his ultimate demon: his dad. The one who created the current broken kyo.

Rebelling against parents: ( sign of growth & freedom of choice):

Rebelling against parents  is a sign of a desire to choose one’s path, decide one’s own future. Away to express an oppressed desire.

Yuki rebelled against his mom in se02. he told her I’m not going to the college you chose. I’ll chose my path. I’m not staying away from Ayame. My bro is good in my book. I chose who I want to be with. He told her what he needed, turned his back & moved forward.

Tohru rebelled against her mom today. told her I’m not wasting myself doing only what you I think you’ll approve off. You might bot forhet kyo, thats ur choice, But I DO. I love him even if you might not approve of him, Even if he rejected me, my feelings wont change, but I’ll move forward from the grief & pain. mother. She told her what he needed, turned his back & moved forward.

Kyo WILL rebelled against his disgusting dad. He MUST. It is his turn now. He’ll tell him I’m not wasting myself being locked in a cage. I have a future! I’m not a monster. I am LOVED! I might not 100% sure why I’m loved, but the truth cant be hidden. I have ppl who love me! cheer for me! I want to live! enough of death! mom & kyoko died, tohru nearly did, but I’m not gonna die! I’m not killing ME! I’‘ll do what MOM didnt do! I’ll do what YOU couldn't do! I’ll live! He’ll tell him what he needed, turned his back & moved forward.  I cant wait! I’m in tears just thinking abt it! Kyo was punished enough! time for happiness!

Side Notes:

While I’m impressed with tohru’s growth, as they did her justice in this ep, this doesn’t erase that the buildup for tohru’s own journey & trauma was mediocre. There is a reason ppl commented ” omg tohru, you can love your mom AND kyo!. ” Grief is illogical, long process & it sucks that we weren’t allowed to experience tohru’s grief & her mom’s role in tohru’s abandonment issues. Huge lost opportunity that a good conclusion ep cant erase! but like tohru, I’m moving on ~

The path of growth for kyo will start by rejecting the demon: his dad. No. other. option. Hold abusers accountable for their crimes. Stop their madness. Tell them off.

We know kyo is baka! that’s his trade mark, the endearing baka! a lot of characters in the show think so! I love it, but I’m craving baka-yuki! XD! really, yuki is cool, level-headed & smart, but let him be baka too! this only shows up in tiny microscopic doses, but they’re my fave doses of yuki! it humanizes the “perfect prince”, the “gifted high status rat”! Thus him not seeing kyo running the other side, is my fave look on him! XD.

I appreciate that kyo & yuki put their differences aside when they’re with tohru. You cant tell yuki is hella pissed off with kyo, but he restrained himself. His gaze while full of anger is also full of sympathy as he heard/saw kyo’s panic upon the thought of loosing tohru. He understand they both only mean the best for each other, but also tried they both keep missing each other & not meeting half way! Also, yuki being the only one in the hospital is realistic & endearing. No need for them all to be there & yuki lives with her & is so close to her.

kyo not being the hospital is fantastic! thank you writer-San! why would kyo go to the hospital after thinking his nightmare came true? kyoko /his mom warned him, you’ll hurt another person.. he did.. he didn't cause her fall... but caused her sadness & hurt.

Momiji’s reprimanding gaze is my fave look on him! Also, the best response to what akito did. Akito isnt used to such judgemental gaze. Kureno grabbed her cheeks, gently told her you shouldn't do that, the old maid told her you are right, Dr. Hatori erased her mistakes from ppl heads & bodies, shigure being either cold or kissing her ass, coxing her to yet torment another zodiac in his grand scheme to break the curse as happened in the beach arc.

You bet hana & arisa will be there next ep! Arisa will meet kureno & akito for sure. To path the way for their romance as seen in the ED.

Shigure’s “remorse” is a whole can of worms. Playing with ppl’s hearts & feelings to gain someone’s affection is no laughing matter. Each time blood is shed, he contributed somehow. he didnt force anyone to hurt the other, but he played with matches & never got hurt.

Shigure must be glad akito stabbed kureno. Not cuz he’s sadistic or bad person. He isn’t, but cuz akito stabbing kureno is akito cutting her bond with him. Go shigure, your girl removed her lover with blood. Kureno is punished for sleeping with ur girl by blood! so, when is ur punishment for sleeping with ur lover’s mom? none? ok.

The animation is good. They didnt villinize akito by drawing extra manic features like se02. Kyo’s broken & tormented face once again epicly drawn. However, akito’s slaps on tohru’s face were comedic, unnecessary & such bad taste! Stop using violence for extra drama, furuba!

Also, tohru, I love you, I understand you are broken but charging at a person, who has a history of violence & physical abuse & holding a knife, is stupid. No other description. I’m glad she didnt accidentally kill you in her initial rage.

Everything akito’s redemption, kureno & shigure are part 2 in my review.

[fairycosmos]

girlies do you all agree that like... someone being in love with us seems so unrealistic and almost unreachable? i am always so amazed and shocked how ppl talk so calmly abt all the partners they have had when i am like... how do you even find someone to love you where and how does that happen and how do you turn into someone other than just a funny comedic bro friend you know... i am not trying to be all depressing or fishing for compliments but i GENUIENLY cant imagine anyone ever loving me just because it seems so far away and unreal. i have had a boyfriend one time and i didnt even know him i just didnt want to reject him and like. i was so scared of the intimacy and i was so overwhelmed that i hid in the bathrooms in school and refused to look into his eyes whenever we did talk like 💀 i feel like i am not made to love and be loved you know

plz this is so :(( i just wanna hug you. also i completely know what you mean and i think a lot of ppl do. i have never understood ppl who just fall in and out of relationships. i’ve only ever officially dated one person too - but i never fell in love w him and i think i was just doing it out of societal pressure or to prove to myself i could. i was JUST thinking about this the other day when i was laying in bed. how i just couldn’t fathom someone laying here with me and actually enjoying it. it looks so natural for everyone else but if someone put their hand on my shoulder or looked at me up close i think i’d cut them out of my life. i don’t know how i handled it in the past. i feel like dating me would be such an honest to god disappointment - and that someone would only ever do it if they were settling lmfao. i would feel so bad that they’d have to see me and put up with me? and not get anything in return. like i’d be such an embarrassment and there’s no way around it. i’m a void of a person with nothing to give anyway. plus it’s just so much work to be vulnerable when there’s no guarantee or even high chance it’ll last. and how do you even meet anyone in the first place besides dating apps? how does love even start or how is the protentional for it found?

there are a few things i like to keep in mind when i get overwhelmed by this. the first is that all of your problems with love are internal, but actually nurturing a loving bond with someone is both internal and external because half of it comes from some place outside yourself. outside all your own issues. what i’m saying is others don’t see you or your emotional difficulties the way you do. your self hatred has you convinced you’re unlovable and i’m sure that is deeply rooted and comes from a multitude of factors in your life and your past, but it is not an absolute truth. it may have felt like one since you were a kid, but it is not. the trick of it is to make you believe you are. it has to make you believe because it’s not a fact in the first place. you weren’t born shying away from love, you learned to, and you can unlearn the impulse as well. honestly everyone reads each other differently, everyone sees each other in a new way. you have never seen or perceived yourself in a moment of relaxed happiness, when you’re talking about your interests, when you’re joking around with someone. but everyone else has. there’s nothing inherently wrong about you. you just have a very limited viewpoint of who you are and what your presence could mean to people. the second thing i like to remember is that there is literally no rush. it is so so much more common than you think to remain single up to your late 20s and beyond. i know it seems like the whole world has someone but it doesn’t mean they’re fulfilled or happy either. we live in a relationship and sex obsessed society, and i really feel like most of us wouldn’t date so quickly if we didn’t constantly feel like we had something to prove or that something was missing from inside of ourselves. it is much healthier to go with the flow and to let whatever will be, be. the third thing is that you are a whole person on your own. there are so many different types of love in this world and romantic is just a slither of the greater picture. obviously it’s entirely natural to crave that type of intimacy, but it is not something you will crumble without. it doesn’t make or break your life. it is much simpler and easier to let it find you cause it will, when you feel capable of seeking it out. i think you may have been uncomfortable in past relationships because you just weren’t ready, and that’s totally fine. you can yearn for love and still recognize that you may not be emotionally prepared to take on a relationship just yet, those experiences can co exist imo. i think it’s all just a matter of idk. patience and self love is whats coming to mind for you.

idk if therapy or talking to someone about why you feel this way is available to you but if so, or if it ever is, i would really recommend it. i know that may seem like a big step and super nerve wracking but it’s important to examine who or what made you feel this way in the first place. then you can begin dismantling those beliefs and building your life around being your own friend rather than your own worst enemy. i know that’s a lot, it’s just something to consider for the future. anyway you are good!! you are lovable!! you were born with an inherent worth that hasn’t disappeared just cause you can’t see it at the moment!! and i’m sure you’d say the same about other ppl, so it applies to you too. sending you a lot of love. which you will take on bc guess what :^) ur capable of feeling and giving all forms of love. even if it takes a long time for you to really learn how to do so in a way that you’re compatible with. mwah x

[ordinary-funky-feline-type]

hmmm sometimes when i think of the name of a ship in my head i refer to the whole dynamic and relationship, but it doesnt have to necessarily be romantic and both-sided. like when i think of usuk, im thinking of the whole of them, but most of it is just uk pining over america and other toxik and shitty (n very cool) dynamics. i cant see murica as completely loving of him, not explicitly (except maybe in some temporary situations). but when i step back and look at the whole of them then i can obviously see the love and tension and deepness and blahblahh, even if when im focusing on the day to day moments it may seem completely one-sided. on the iggy side of things, his relationship w murica is obviously the most intense n obsessively loving shit he's ever had but i wont get into that classic

tl;dr "a ship doesnt necessarily refer to a explicit/romantic/requited love, it can also refer to a complex and changing relationship that may not ever even get anywhere. Or even a one-sided romance"

now, i dont like fruk, because (and yes im contradicting my explanation above a bit) i dont like to focus on the love or the romantic/sexual/whatever part of their relationship. but i DO love their relationship, which contains a lot of things, some of them ARE sex and love. but, i dont know, in my head that part is not relevant to the whole concept of their dynamics and their bond as a whole.

mm thats why i usually try to avoid saying 'fruk' when i talk about my interpretation of those two charas, cus i dont want ppl to think i'm referring to the ship. i prefer to say eng & france n stuff like that. same with prus and hungary, yeah maybe they fucked, but in my head the important characteristic of their bond is for instance, their friendship and rivalry. the sex is just a tool to get to and highlight those important parts

'usuk' in my head is not us and uk, usuk is usuk, cus in their relationship the part where they feel romantic love and all that shit is v e r y important.. So much that i cant even imagine the character of iggy without him being in love with murica, to me thats just an intrinsic part of his character. So yeah the “ship” aspect of their relationship is quite the main point for me. like everything they do that has to do with the other is affected by this thing. also lil obvious side-note. sex and romance is not the only way to show and express love, its just the most known ones. And also we are talking about countries in the shape of humans, and they are absolutely not humans, so i can do whatever the fuck i want with them. iggy expresses his love for murica in ways that he himself doesnt even know or realise, all of that while he fucks the entirety of europe on the side. He may not ever lay a finger on him and with that he’s being 200% more genuine and vulnerable than any time he fucks spain or whoever. usuk FOR LIFE

basically: To me a ‘ship’ is not referring to the actual relationship but to the angle with which you approach it. An established ‘romantic’ relationship may not be a ship if its not relevant to you or your story, but a dude who’s in love with a celebrity that lives in another continent that he’s never seen may be a ship if thats what makes sense to what youre imagining. for instance i love biker x jacket even though they never interact. I just like to think of the potential of their personalities together. Not explicit but still… “romantic”? I dont know what words to use to explain those thoughts. But so like, france n iggz: explicit, not “romantic”. Usuk: “romantic” but not explicit? (jiji who am i kidding, maybe sometimes it does get explicit but whatever, thats the general idea)

I love to consume one-sided ships, but im still not comfortable enough to let myself do it? Perhaps in the future my usuk will be completely one-sided, who knows. I still got residual damage from exposure to mainstream ship dynamics as a kid Also i lied. Ijijij i do like fruk a bit, i do think that theres potential for some cute stuffz, specially when they are young. I think that they are super close, and there are million ways of showing that. I dislike fruk when its just fruk in a bubble and thats it. But i love it when its surrounded by the context of this whole hetaverse that lives in my brain (that has to do with me not being interested in other fan’s creations). No england ship ever gets to what usuk is for me, n dats awesom. I like to think that england just entirely took his own heart, pulled it out of his chest, and handed it over to america (along with his multiple other toxicities emoji of cowboy smiling). His heart has already found a place but that doesnt mean he cannot experience sum exciting stuffz with other countries!!! In fact he does, a lot, just like the rest of the charas!!! EVERY SHIP IN HETALIA IS CANON, go have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[of-faunsandyellowflowers]

Yall dont have to read this, it's a vent post.

I'm awful with emotions. Absolutely awful. I hate feeling vulnerable and I know it's due to the fact that I used to have such intense meltdowns with crying and a roll of emotions, that of which was always made fun of it in the capacity of 'why cant you just calm down'. That isnt to say I dont still have those, but since being diagnosed with autism and adhd I've been able to feel s bit better about knowing WHY I do it, and it's not something I can just turn off.

It's hard though, trying to be vulnerable. I put on a strong front 99% of the time. Because I feel as though it would be better to have no emotions, than emotions. I'm numb a lot. But when I come back into my 'normal' face, I feel. And I feel intensely.

I'm the kind of person who hates crying even by myself. I feel weak and unworthy. So I push it back into myself, and teach myself not to.

Yet, I'm an empath. I feel ppls pain. I feel their happiness, their sadness, their anger, their jealousy....all the emotions. I think I may bottle up those emotions sometimes, instead of reflecting it.

But I just watched one of my favorite youtubers, talk about losing his dog Sammy. He was half crying in his video and I could feel myself starting to feel his emotions.

I finally let myself cry. Not bawl, but cry. I let myself feel what he was feeling, acknowledge it, and then move forward. And I think thsts something I need to remind myself of.

That as an empath I cant keep things in. I'm human in this life. Humans have emotions. Humans are meant to have emotions.

So when I'm numb, I'm numb. I need to acknowledge that, and let it carry on until I feel again. That's just part of my depression, that's just part of me. I wont stop having numb phases.

When I need to cry, I need to acknowledge it.

And if anyone is judgemental of my emotions, I'm simply going to tell them 'at least I let it out, at least I acknowledge it's there now. Because nothing is worse than pushing your emotions so down low you cant ever feel a spark of joy again.'

Dont make ppl be robots.

Cry when you need to. Crying is good. And that's something I'm gonna remind myself of every day.

[phoenixfangs]

i got rlly butthurt abt that starlight comment so i went to that persons blog and the posts they reblogged abt mlp r full of cold takes so i went on an incoherent rant detailing y those ideas r wrong. rant under the cut, its v long and probably hard to read bc of my typing style// maybe ill come back and properly format it later

cold take 1: starlight couldve been a better character

no she couldnt unless we downplay her crimes or change her entire design. i dont care what her reason 4 forming a cult was, whether it be the stupid canon reason that her friend hit puberty and moved, or the stupid fanon idea that she never got a cutie mark and is resentful (i rlly hate this idea) LITERALLy if u want her to be a better character then dont redeem her. dont try to write a season-long arc of her trying to earn forgiveness from the village ponies bc her actions r beyond forgiveness. lets call a spade a spade: shes a monster who mutilated their bodies, minds, and hearts 4 her own stupid philosophy that she doesnt even believe in, and we dont even KNOW how long she was doing that or when the village was established. those ponies could have been in that cult 4 YEARS as far as we know--night glider herself admitted that the village was her home and that she couldnt/didnt want to move when given the chance, bc where else could she go? where else could any of them have gone? they explicitly say starlight targeted them bc they were vulnerable, or smthn to that effect. would YOU have a story abt a crazy abuser going back to their victims after who even knows how long of abusing them, and writing it so even one of them 4gives the abuser? would u write a story where the victims of jonestown 4gave jim jones? u wouldnt bc i expect u have at least 2 brain cells, and if u wouldnt, then i would hope u wouldnt like the idea of redeeming starlight at all, too. at this point in the series life, where weve seen all the redemptions and whos gotten them, i dont care abt the nuances of 4giveness, bc the writers and fans clearly dont when they have poor ideas and lack the skills to properly execute them. abusers and bullies dont deserve 4giveness, tyrants and fascists dont deserve 4giveness, terrorists dont deserve 4giveness, and the fact that diamond tiara, stygian, starlight glimmer, and tempest shadow ALL were anywhere between bullies or literal fucking terrorists, and they ALL got to be 4given and redeemed, while characters who have done way less heinous things (trixie and the flim flam brothers) r still treated with suspicion and distance by the main characters, is fucking disgusting to me. the only one ill give leeway to is diamond tiara bc even tho she was horrible to the cmc, she is just a kid and its possible to step back from bullying when ur that young. it rlly rlly isnt easy or possible to step back from mindfucking and mutilating an entire village of ponies bc ur bitter and entitled

cold take 2: cutie marks make no sense

less of a cold take and more of a gripe i have, bc they make perfectly fine sense to me. a cutie mark doesnt determine shit, its literally just a physical manifestation of what ur good at. rarity is good at finding gems, but her job isnt geology, its tailoring. rainbow dash is good at racing and being fast, but her job isnt initially stunt flying/racing with the wonderbolts, its weather duty in ponyville. in the later seasons when they start talking abt cutie marks being ur Destiny is when i admittidly start to get a little annoyed bc i dont personally believe in destiny or teaching kids that there is a predetermined path, but even still, u dont randomly get a cutie mark that determines what ur destiny is, u get a cutie mark that REFLECTS what ur desitny is. so no, a pony wouldnt get a random cutie mark of a computer 20 years b4 computers become available at home, AND THEN they discover thats what theyre talent/destiny is. cutie marks cant predict the future, theyre reactive to the individual. i dont understand how this is a confusing concept, even with the stupid destiny stuff thrown in

cold take 3: slice of life is the funniest episode of the series

no it fucking isnt JESUS the last roundup is the funniest episode, not bc of derpy, but bc of pinkie and raritys interactions. "rarity catch me" busts me up every fuckin time, as well as when pinkie and rarity r on the little handcar (hoofcar?) at the end and pinkie wont shut up and raritys like "when i get back, ur gonna GET IT rainbow dash". slice of life is a bunch of nothing and, wouldnt u know it, the best parts of the episode r the parts that include characters we actually KNOW (celestia and luna arguing over gifts, matildas anxieties, cadence consoling a crying shining armor at the wedding). even discounting the fact that the target demographic--kids, yknow, children and preteens--likely dont have forum accounts or the time/energy to scroll through those forums and wikis and blogs to understand all the inside jokes of the episode, its boring and kind of annoying if ur as disillusioned with the fandom as many ppl r, including myself. also lyra and bonbon werent confirmed stop projecting and giving praise where none is due. coy looks and 'best friends' sentiments dont mean shit, say explicitly that theyre girlfriends or wives and then give me a call

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!