#and even if it doesnt Hurt that bad i still get sick and dizzy and very tired | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

isimpoveryou · 3 years ago

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hi guysss. pls pls pls if anyone of you are from indonesia or anywhere i just want to urge you to read this article. i know if your not indo you are probably confused but this arcticle is about 3 kids probably 10 or younger who got SA by their own father and the mother is trying to report everything about what happen to their kids but the police but the police doesnt even believed it. SO PLS PLS HELP THIS BLOW OUT EVERYWHERE

english translation:

WARNING: This article contains explicit content that can trigger emotional and mental stress for readers. We recommend that you do not continue reading it. We recommend that this article be read by the Indonesian police.

if you wrote it,” he said, “what would change?”

“We rely on the police. We reported it. So what? The perpetrator is still free.”

Lydia reported the rape of her three children, all of whom were under 10 years old. The alleged perpetrators are her ex-husband, their own biological father, a state civil servant who has a position in a regional government office.

The police investigated his complaint, but the process was strongly suspected of being fraught with manipulation and conflict of interest. Only two months since he made the complaint, the police have stopped the investigation.

Not only did she not get justice, Lydia was even accused of having a vengeful motive for reporting her ex-husband. He was also attacked as a person with a mental disorder. This attack was allegedly used to delegitimize his report and any evidence he collected alone to support his quest for justice.

Lydia isn't her real name. A single mother, after a divorce, her three children came with her. They live in East Luwu, a border district in South Sulawesi, a 12-hour drive from Makassar City.

Even though she is divorced, her ex-husband still wants to be involved in co-parenting. Her ex-husband is free to pick up his three children when they come home from school and give him pocket money or toys.

The situation seemed normal until Lydia realized the hidden truth: While helping her daughter take a bath, she found several bruises on her son's thigh.

The child reasoned, the bruises were due to falling while playing catch. Lydia advised them to be careful. However, not only bruises, but the behavior of the children changed drastically, preferring to be silent, often hitting them. Lazy to eat. Frequent dizziness and vomiting.

On one night in early October 2019, while Lydia was washing the dishes, her youngest child screamed that her sister was complaining of vaginal pain. Lydia immediately approached her eldest child, hugged her from behind while rubbing her shoulders.

"Son, what did you say earlier?" said Lydia.

"No, Mamak," replied the eldest son.

He coaxed, “I love you so much. Too bad. If there is a problem, tell Mamak. I became a helper and protector ta. Don't you dare to cook with Mamak?"

"Say, son. If a child is sick, Mamak doesn't know. Does it hurt, kid?"

The eldest was silent for a long time. Then cry without tears. Lydia was shocked, panicked. The eldest, in a low voice as if choking, said: "Mamak... my father na anu pepe' . " Mamak, daddy did something to my pussy, he said.

Lydia cried, leaning on the back of the sofa, “Don't play games, kid. Don't play around."

"Yes, Mama. Yes."

He asked his two children, "Is this true, son?"

"Yes, Mama. I also had my butt crushed,” said his son.

"Me too Mamak," replied the youngest child.

She grabbed her three children, crying together. His head seemed to explode, wanting to scream. While trying to get up to go to the bathroom, to let go of tears, he fell. His legs felt bone loss.

The kids helped him inching his way. He slid over to the sofa. He raved. And began to realize when his children scolded, "Why ki, Mamak?"

He slowly released his emotions. Then examined the children, found wounds in the vagina and anus. On the night that seemed to go by slowly and long, he looked at his son sleeping. Confusion. Fatigue. He couldn't sleep until morning.

In the second week of October 2019, with her three children, Lydia went to the office of the Integrated Service Center for Women and Children Empowerment, East Luwu Social Service. In this unit, ideally, a person who complains of a violent case can get protection.

The Head of the Service Center Division, Firawati, received Lydia in a small partitioned room. Meanwhile, her three children are in the game facility in the unit. Lydia told Firawati about the chronology of her child's confession to being sexually abused by her own father. Firawati admitted that she knew the alleged perpetrator because she was "a fellow state civil servant."

Instead of prioritizing a safe room for Lydia and her three children, Firawati instead contacted the alleged perpetrator, reporting that there was a complaint regarding an alleged molestation case, so Lydia's ex-husband came to the Service Center office.

Firawati argued that the reason for bringing the alleged perpetrators together with the three children was to prove whether they were traumatized when they met their father. Firawati also argued that her actions were with Lydia's permission. "Right, fellow ASN. I want confirmation," he said.

"Do you know? All the children hunt to their father. Instead, his mother was abandoned. Even the children find it difficult to leave their father when called by their mother," said Firawati.

Lydia, when I repeated the claim of Firawati's story, listened to it and gaped.

“How could he talk like that? The first day I reported and asked for assistance to the police, but Firawati immediately called the [suspected] perpetrator when I came with the children,” said Lydia.

“After he called, he told me that I was teaching the children to slander the [suspected] perpetrator.”

"If I ever meet Firawati again, I want to see how she lies."

Not only were Lydia and her three children in a vulnerable situation when the alleged perpetrator came to them, her ex-husband immediately lashed out at Lydia for teaching her three children to complain, babbling that Lydia was incompetent to take care of the future of her three children.

The complaint provided no protection for Lydia, instead she was cornered, sent home to wait for further news.

The next day, Lydia and her three children were asked to come back to Firawati's office. From this process, the three children were psychologically examined by an officer from Puspaga, an acronym for the Family Learning Center, a work unit at the Integrated Service Center for the Empowerment of Women and Children. It was later discovered that the officer did not qualify as a child psychologist.

The examination resulted in a claim that Lydia's three children "showed no signs of trauma" and said "the relationship with the parents is quite considerate and harmonious" and that they are "in good physical and mental condition."

Firawati's act of bringing the three children together with their father--to check whether they were traumatized or not--and reinforced by a psychological examination that Lydia's children did not show any signs of trauma was later used by the East Luwu police to stop the investigation.

Handling at Polres Luwu Timur: 'I was forced by the police to sign the BAP'

Hoping to be accompanied by officers from the Integrated Service Center for the Empowerment of Women and Children, Lydia was finally alone when she reported the alleged sexual abuse case to the East Luwu Police. (Firawati from the Service Center reasoned that at that time she was in a meeting with the regional parliament, while other assistants were preparing to move their office.)

The police received Lydia's report on October 9, 2019. A female police officer took her three children to a health center for a post-mortem, without any assistance. Then, the three were questioned by uniformed investigators, without being accompanied by Lydia, legal counsel, social workers or psychologists.

Lydia was asked to sign the examination report (BAP) but was forbidden to read it first.

Five days later, the East Luwu Police notified the progress of the investigation results, reported that the report had been received and would be investigated by Aipda Kasman.

Lydia went to the police station to ask about the results of the post-mortem for her three children. At the same time, he also gave her a pair of pink panties that had blood on them on her own initiative.

On Friday, October 18, the police reported the results of the post-mortem from the Puskesmas and according to one investigator claimed “nothing was found.” On the same day, Lydia was interrogated by investigators without being accompanied by legal counsel.

“I was only asked about everyday problems. Then, the investigator said it would be continued. He will fill in the other part because he will pray Friday,” he said.

“I was asked to sign at the bottom of the report. I said I would sign later after this was continued. However, the investigators forced me. And I signed. Because it's noon and I want to go home to make food for the children."

"Well, I think now, I'm so stupid why I signed," said Lydia.

The following week, the East Luwu Police informed the development of the case; that investigators have interrogated Lydia, the alleged rapist, and three of the victim's children; have medically examined three child victims along with the results of visum et repertum; and the next plan is that the three children will be examined medically and psychologically at the South Sulawesi Police's Medical and Health Division (Biddokkes) in Makassar.

Victim's Mother's Mental Health Condition Used to Delegitimize Rape Reports

On October 28, one of Lydia's children complained of rectal pain. Lydia photographed some of the wounds. And, again on her own initiative on November 1, Lydia brought one pair of underwear with green liquid and one leggings with blood on it to the East Luwu Police.

A day later, police investigators contacted him if there would be an examination at the South Sulawesi Regional Police Biddokkes on November 6. At that time Lydia received threats from her ex-husband, the alleged rapist. The threat was that the alleged perpetrator would stop the monthly income for their three children if Lydia continued the examination process to Makassar.

Lydia with her three children, accompanied by one of her siblings, went to Bhayangkara Hospital Makassar. Here Lydia and her three children are taken to the waiting room of the mental clinic. His brother who brought him was also checked.

Inside the examination room were two doctors, an investigator, and a staff member of the East Luwu Women and Children Empowerment Center for Integrated Services.

During the examination of her three children, Lydia recorded secretly through a cellphone camera. His eldest child was seen on the lap of a Service Center staff who was sitting on a sofa. There was an investigator, a woman and a doctor in the examination room. The doctor then asked Lydia to leave the room.

During the examination of Lydia and her brother, they were asked about the family's mental health condition. Her brother was asked about Lydia's psychological condition since childhood and when she got married, did any family members have a history of mental disorders? When it was Lydia's turn, two doctors asked if they had any “disorders” before divorcing their ex-husband, as well as the condition of their household. The interview with Lydia only lasted 15 minutes.

The results of this psychiatric examination were published on November 11. Lydia is said to have "systematic delusional symptoms that suggest persistent delusional disorder."

On November 15, a physical examination letter for the three children was issued by the Forensic Biddokkes team of the South Sulawesi Police, which stated that there were no abnormalities or signs of physical violence against Lydia's three children.

The East Luwu Police then issued a letter notifying the progress of the investigation results on December 19. This letter refers to the investigation process and the trial on December 4. The letter contains the police's decision to stop the investigation process dated December 10, 2019, without any details on the consideration of termination.

"So the time span for reporting and stopping the investigation is only 63 days. This is very fast and we think it makes no sense. Moreover, this is a case of sexual violence where the victim is a child, why is the process rushed?” said Rezky Pratiwi, Head of the Division of Women, Children and Disabilities of the Makassar Legal Aid Institute.

Go to Makassar City to Get More Competent Access to Justice

At the end of December 2019, Lydia drove her own car with her three children from East Luwu to Makassar City. The journey took him 12 hours. This long and windy journey brought Lydia to the Makassar City Integrated Service Center for the Empowerment of Women and Children, where she hoped that justice would be granted to the victims.

Different from the handling in East Luwu, Lydia was given a referral to report her case to LBH Makassar. From here, LBH Makassar, through the Coalition for Legal Aid Advocacy for Sexual Violence against Children, became its legal advisor when the case was terminated by the East Luwu Police.

The Makassar City Service Center also provides psychological assistance to Lydia's three children. In his psychological report, through observation and interview methods, the three children “were not traumatized but were anxious” and all three of them consistently told and strengthened each other's stories of being sexually abused by their fathers.

Their story of being sexually assaulted, possibly more than one suspect, is consistent with what one victim told her mother when the investigation was being handled by the East Luwu Police. The victim's story is reinforced in the photos and videos that Lydia keeps, which depicts the physical abuse of her three children.

The police at the East Luwu Police and the South Sulawesi Police ignored the stories and evidence.

"At the Makassar City Service Center, child psychologists who examine children believe that sexual violence has occurred," said Rezky Pratiwi from LBH Makassar.

Pratiwi said that the East Luwu Police investigation process was "procedurally flawed" from the first post-mortem to the taking of information for each child.

Children should be accompanied by their parents as well as legal assistants, social workers or other assistants as mandated in Law 11 of 2012 concerning the Juvenile Criminal Justice System, he said.

"So the East Luwu resort police are very unprofessional," he said.

“The police are instead focusing on [Lydia's] mother, who is said to have other motives. The victim's mother was examined by a psychiatrist whose procedure was not proper. Information on children was not investigated and other witnesses were not examined to find new clues. For example, information from neighbors or people who know them,” said Pratiwi.

Polda Sulsel Supports Investigation Stopped

On December 26, 2019, LBH Makassar together with Lydia visited the South Sulawesi Regional Police and asked for a special case to stop the investigation at the East Luwu Police. Attached to the letter were photographs of the wounds to the anus and vagina of the three children.

Furthermore, on 10 and 13 February 2020, the legal team sent a letter to file a case, but there was no response. On February 19, the Head of Public Relations of the South Sulawesi Police, Kombes Pol. Ibrahim Tompo, even told the media that they had "conducted an internal case" and that the termination of the investigation was legal and according to procedure.

Then, on March 5, the South Sulawesi Police team informed LBH Makassar that a special case would be held on March 6, at 13.00, at the Polda office.

The sudden news made the legal advisors completely unprepared.

"The time is very short for preparation," said Rezky Pratiwi from LBH Makassar. "The child psychologist who accompanied the victim from the start was unable to attend because of the clash of activities."

On April 14, the results of the case study stated that the South Sulawesi Regional Police recommended that the East Luwu Resort Police continue to stop the investigation process into the sexual abuse report.

Urge Police Headquarters to Continue Investigation

On the second floor of the East Luwu Police Office, connected by a ladder, there is a room where Aipda Kasman, the investigator who handles the case of Lydia's children, works. Kasman boasts of his work, “We have done a post-mortem to forensics. Until there are results from his mother's psychiatrist."

"Can I read the copy?" ask me.

"I can't convey that because that's what we're holding," he smirks.

The so-called psychiatrist's results from the Bhayangkara Makassar Hospital, which are kept secret, are apparently considered "truth" by many people in East Luwu. That his mother is "crazy", is not a case of alleged rape that people talk about and remember. "We know about the case, but it's her crazy mother," one resident told me. "That's why the case is not continued."

During the interview session with Kasman, the investigator immediately sat nervously when I handed him the tape. He wanted to speak more openly after being allowed by his superior, East Luwu Criminal Investigation Unit Head, Iptu Eli Kendek.

“If it is stated that we are maladministration or administrative defects, that is the perception of LBH Makassar. But we still adhere to professional principles. We act according to the rules, according to the law,” he started the excuse.

"We have also clarified to all institutions that LBH Makassar has written to," he claimed.

LBH Makassar has sent a letter of complaint to a number of institutions in July 2020, including the National Police Commissioner, the Ombudsman, the Head of the South Sulawesi Women's Empowerment and Child Protection Service, the Luwu Regent, the Director of General Crimes at the National Police Headquarters Criminal Investigation Unit, and Komnas Perempuan.

To these institutions, Kasman claims, the East Luwu Police have clarified and "everything is safe."

Komnas Perempuan, in a letter of recommendation sent to Police Headquarters, Polda Sulsel, and Polres Luwu Timur, dated 22 September 2020, instead asked to resume the investigation of the criminal case.

The process, Komnas Perempuan wrote, "must fully involve parents, legal counsel, and social assistance for victims, provide safe house facilities, counseling, and other special facilities for women." Next, "The police need to coordinate with the Makassar City Women's Empowerment and Child Protection Service to facilitate these special needs."

This recommendation was precisely what the East Luwu Police did not do when handling complaints about the molestation case against Lydia's three children.

According to Rezky Pratiwi from LBH Makassar, the police and the East Luwu Service Center took sides with the alleged perpetrator. “If there is a child's testimony, it should start from there. First, dig up the supporting evidence.”

"It looks very biased. In other cases of sexual violence that we assist, the police are usually silenced. If this is the case, an administrative termination will be made.”

On one cold morning ride, Lydia sped off. Past the bend, overtook some trucks. Since the incident of sexual violence against her children, she has left her future home and preparation for old age.

He wanted to sell the house because he wanted to burn the bad memories. His children didn't want to see the house. The children refused and cried when Lydia asked to visit the house.

Lydia, gave me access to watch several videos on her cellphone that showed traces of the alleged violence of the alleged rapist. Some of the footage shows the injuries on the bodies of the children which made it difficult for me to see them through.

A few weeks after the abuse, her children complained of pain. At a puskesmas in East Luwu, Lydia asked for a referral letter to take her children to a hospital.

In the letter of reference was written a diagnosis of internal thrombosed hemorrhoids + child abuse. Damage to the anus due to forced intercourse.

Other diagnoses of abdominal and pelvic pain. Damage to the vaginal organs due to rape.

The next diagnosis is vaginitis or inflammation of the vagina and constipation or difficult bowel movements.

At the referral hospital, the children demonstrated what their father did after the doctor asked what caused the injuries to the anus and vagina.

The initial diagnosis, photo documentation and video recordings, as well as the results of the examination to the hospital were ignored by East Luwu Police investigators. The police did not take these violent findings seriously.

"If the police post-mortem results say that there were no injuries and nothing happened," said Lydia, "why did the police refuse when I wanted to give this photo and video? They said just keep it, there's no need for that."

“Then how come my child's buttocks and vagina are injured until they are swollen white like white flesh?

“Why do my children cry in pain every time they want to urinate and defecate? Why do my children say their father is a bad person and don't want to see him again now?”

“If the perpetrator is indeed innocent, why doesn't he come looking for his son, asking for clarification from the children?

"If people say this is slander, why are the children slandering their father like that?"

“If that question is not answered, will the police help find the answer?

No, right.*

#spread awareness #pls reblog #journal spread #spread this #important #justice #indonesia

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ridiasfangirlings · 3 years ago

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Yata always catch glimpse of Fushimi's scar everytime they fight and the scar will never heal. instead, new wounds appear. At one point, he noticed that it's Fushimi doing it. Say, he's walking and saw fushimi scratching it. Yata confront him but Fushimi just taunt him. and so Yata just burn a scar on him in front of Fushimi, not on homra mark but somewhere visible and said if fushimi doesnt want to treat his wounds, Yata wont treat his.

Imagine Yata doing this just in the heat of the moment, like he's so upset when he realizes that Fushimi's still hurting himself even now and even though they're technically enemies Yata can't stand the idea that Fushimi's the one always reopening his own wounds. Like of course every time they fight Yata spots that scar, Fushimi can't resist showing it to Misaki ever chance he gets after all. At some point Yata finds himself thinking that it's weird the wound hasn't healed yet, like even such a bad burn has to start to heal eventually right. One time when they're fighting Yata gets Fushimi briefly pinned and he ends up like really close to that scar, close enough that he can't help but notice the very distinct fresh scratch marks. He's shocked enough that he lets Fushimi go and gives him this concerned look, all 'Saruhiko...that scar...'. Fushimi gives him a cold look and then laughs at him, like how pathetic Misaki to be worrying about a traitor. Yata says shouldn't it have healed by now and Fushimi pulls his collar over the mark, telling Yata it's none of his business.

Later they're fighting again and now Yata's fixated on the scar, wanting to know why Fushimi keeps reopening it. Fushimi's irritated because he doesn't need Misaki's concern or his pity, anything less than Yata's hatred is worthless. Finally he scoffs at Yata like this scar will stay open as long as you keep playacting in Homra, I won't let it heal until the day that Homra doesn't exist anymore. Yata feels this rush of emotion and he suddenly holds out his fist, pressing burning fingers against his own wrist as he's like 'fine! If you won't let your wounds heal, neither will I.' Fushimi's eyes go wide and the next thing Yata knows Fushimi's yanking his hands away from the burn, looking at him with this almost panicked concern and the shock of that is enough to make Yata hesitate, suddenly feeling all the pain that he hadn't a moment ago due to the adrenaline. Yata stutters out a 'S-Saruhiko....I didn't...' and then Fushimi's just gone, leaving Yata there with his burned skin feeling just dizzy and sick all of a sudden. (Unlike Fushimi though Yata goes and gets his wound looked at after all. Kusanagi wraps a bandage over it and doesn't ask how Yata got the burn, only saying that hopefully it won't scar, and the next time they fight Yata can't help but notice the way Fushimi keeps staring at that bandage.)

#sarumi #Talking K #tw: self harm #also imagine Yata all conflicted now #bc he doesn't have Saru's self destructive tendencies so he does want his scar to heal #but he doesn't want to like 'betray' that claim he made to Fushimi either he wants Saru's scar to heal #also post-ROK they get together and Fushimi keeps looking at the small scar on Yata's wrist

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0w0 · 3 years ago

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Hey so more posting about my intimate mental health on Tumblr, because it is the void I scream into when I'm overwhelmed on deciding which interpersonal connection to dump this on

I've officically lost like 20 lbs in the past two months from just... Pretty much hardly eating. Officially relapsed 🤪 (the emoji is ironic and is an attempt to mask my true ditress)

I've largely come to the conclusion that it is because of depression. I do not eat because I simply feel like I, myself, am not worth maintaining. It's the same reason why hygene and chorws are hard. Everything just feels empty despite my best efforts, eating just is more work to keep doing something that ultimately, my mental illness makes me feel is pointless.

I've attempted suicide, yeah, but passive self harm has always been what lean on when I'm to lethargic to even hurt myself when I get the impulse.

The thing is, I'm scared. I'm super scared. I like that I'm losing weight. I want to be smaller. I want to take up less space and no feel so fucking fat and disgusting. (Being fat is not disgusting, and fat people are not bad. But my perception of self is really fucked up and thats how it comes out when I look at myself when combined with societal beauty standards).

Despite being scared-- I like how an empty stomach feels. Before it turns into pain, I mean. I like the hallow feeling, for the same reason I like sex. It's a physical sensation that puts me back in my body, especially when dissociating, which I do a majority of the time.

I used to purge, after binging. I won't state dates because depsite everything I'm spilling here, there's still some information I don't need out there. But I say that, because I never considered myself bulimic. Its not like it was chronic. There's a reason I gained like, 100 lbs through adulthood-- I stopped doing that shit.

One of my favorite memes online ever had this caption: "I had and eating disorder and all o have to show for it is this gross fetish". Emetophilia? Hello my old friend.

There's a certain part of me that has sexualized some of the pain I'm going through. That's what being hypersexual does, I guess, but it also feels like a way to dull the ache. Instead of calling it self harm, I call it needleplay, skin embroidery, make it an art. Make it palatable that way, for myself and others. I know it doesnt though, it's still worrying. And I'm not actively trying to transmute feelings associated with depression into something better, like sexuality. It just has .. kind of happened in my brain at some point.

I distinctly remember a time when I was in highschool. I was feeling incredibly sick, but I was on my bus ride home. I was nauseous, felt like I was going to puke, I was dizzy-- it aroused me. A few fucked up things were arousing as a teenager, and that's definitely impacted my long-term health and how I inherently respond to certain stimuli or situations: inappropriately.

As far back as I can remember, everything always circled back to sex for me. I don't remember and csa that my have happened, I don't think I was molested as a child. Bust started at 13, I had very unhealthy relationships until adulthood that hinged on sex. Whether I slept with boys or girls, it didn't matter, it was usually the same. I've had maybe 10 sexual partners in my life-- the fact I was in a relationship that was monogamous for 7 of it's 9 years was the only thing that kept that number from being much, much higher. I had many opportunities to sleep around and cheat. The impulsive desire was there, but I never did it. Was that self restraint? It feels charitable calling it that, but sure. I didn't want to hurt or betray my partner. Not in that way.

Suffice to say, everything is a pile of noodles and all my words are crossed.

Its like have synesthesia but instead of seeing sounds, everything is wirex directly to my dick. What a life, folks

Cheers to therapy making me think I guess. I'll follow this up with my therapist or a future psychiatrist.

🤷

#smear campaign

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pbandjesse · 4 years ago

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I finally contacted a dentist! Progress. No appointment yet but progress none the less.

But I am hurting pretty bad right now. And I am a little upset because I got a flat tire. Which was scary and not good. But at least happened in front of my own house so I wasnt trapped on the highway.

Today wasnt a bad day but I was really tired. I woke up a little late so I was stressed when I did get out of bed. And the lack of time together was really wearing on James this morning so I stayed behind a little longer to give him some hugs. But I had to go.

I had a pretty good ride in. Even if I was stressed about being late. Not that anyone noticed or cared.

And again they didnt need me as a runner at all and I was just sitting there, salty. And lots of people wanted me to get them art stuff today, which made me feel useful at least.

I headed up there at 9 and started getting things together. I made myself a little list. But I felt a little dizzy. That would happen a few times today. Mostly from the heat and from walking back and forth from the office. I tried to go easy on myself today though. Took breaks. Stopped myself from running all over without a plan. It was good.

CJ was kind enough to bring me more easy cut stamp pads so I have plenty for the kids tomorrow. I cut that up so I had relatively even sizes. I did cleaning. I set up kits for tomorrow. And I started making lists for the next few weeks of projects.

I took a break. I was very tired. I ended up falling asleep for about an hour in my hammock. And it was very needed. My mouth really hurt and I didnt eat my regular breakfast sandwich. I did eat but I think the lack of protein kicked my butt.

When I woke up I went and finally did eat. CJ came and sat with me for a while. And I started perking up.

I spent more time prepping. Cleaning. I started working on samples for a later project based on those worry jars I used to make. I felt bad though because a counselor asked if I wanted to join them on a hike and I had to turn them down. But I took my own little walk to collect interesting rocks and acorns. I also finally got to try some of the wine berries. I saw so many more ripe ones today.

And they might be my new favorite berry. I did a little research on them and it turns out they are an invasive species from Asia. They were introduced to Maryland in the 1890s! They are a cousin of the raspberry. But they are smaller and I want to say, tighter? The ski doesnt have the same squish. And the little pearls are much smaller. The flavor is brighter and sharper.

I had a handful and it was great. And then when Charlotte asked me to cover one of the groups up at the barns me and those kids ended up eating so many more.

Enough that we all kind of felt sick but we couldnt stop. It was very silly. Those kids were fun though. I had fun googling fun facts with them and looking up native nuts. We found some hickory nuts! Very cool.

I took that group on a mini hike back to their home base. We had a fun little walk on a trail I go on a lot and they hadnt been on before. And we found more berries.

But it was soon time for pick up. I had a snack. And sat on the porch. I was a little frustrated that someone apparently had a fever and they were still at camp. And refusing to wear a mask. But I kept mine on and I sent an email with my concerns about how this was handled. I really dont want camp to shut down.

But that whole thing upset me. So I went and finished cleaning and headed out.

I stopped at 711 and got pizza for dinner. Which was a good plan.

Because when I got home our tire got popped. And I had to keep myself calm. Like I am so lucky it didnt happen on the highway. But basically what happened was that I was parking and someone tried to drive around me and scared me and I hit the curb and the tire like tore? It was crazy. Dad said that there must have already been an issue and that shouldnt have happened. But it was pretty shocking.

I asked James to call me. Because I was freaking out. I needed his support.

While I waited for him to be able to call me I just paced the apartment. But once he called I just cried. It was scary and also how was I going to get to work. I hate asking for help. I hate being a burden.

But James helped figuring things out. His sister texted someone at work that lives down town and shes going to come get me in the morning. James is going to take the car to get fixed in the morning. Everything will be okay. It is still really upsetting. But I am so grateful that other people are willing to help.

Now I just have to deal with my teeth. I just noticed that my hurt took has a swollen gum next to it. It hurts a lot to touch that. I googled it and it says it could be an absess. Because of course it is. Thankfully I have those antibiotics from my nose hurting that I never took. So I just took one. And tomorrow I will try to make an appointment with that dentist that emailed me back. Well see. Ugh. I just want to not hurt all the time. Why everything happen so much.

Once most of the tire stuff was dealt with, I did play a little animal crossing. I was able to go and find a new villager today. I had to use like 7 tickets and found some really cute friends. But I landed on Nan the goat. And I am so pleased. They are so cute. I wanted a goat or a sheep so this was awesome. Even though the others I found were cute I think this was the best choice.

I took a bath and tried to just chill. I washed my hair. And i tried to just be chill. Its hard. Why cant I just be chill!! But at least I can have the windows open right now. There is a really beautiful breeze and I am feeling good. I just wish James was here. I hope you all have a great night tonight. And you stay safe. Goodnight everyone.

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depressionbelikeamanda · 4 years ago

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Just felt i should start writing cause nobody would understand the way i do. So a letter to my future self.

It’s funny how depression is seeing like something that's just in your mind, no one treats depression like a broken arm, or an injury but ‘’try to think good things’’.

Nice to meet you, my name is Amanda, I’m 22 years old, a brazilian girl currently living in Ireland, working as a caregiver, doing IT, trying to survive my mental condition everyday, trying really hard by the way…

I’m not writing so people can see this, but because i need a place to express myself and not being judge. Maybe not even this, but a place that i can just write everything I’m feeling.

I don’t think most of people can understand what it is to have depression, anxiety or some mental problem, maybe because they are too busy with their lifes, maybe they just dont give a shit, maybe they way they were raised was so though they just don’t want to accept that people can have mental problems, or maybe smth else that i cant think right now. But yeah, everybody has their own reasons to not believe this is a real thing, but what can we do right? Even though there are many people struggling with depression, others mental problems, and studies that proves it’s real and we are not making this up, people still think it’s nothing, it’s just something that we can just turn to happy thoughts, right? If you can’t see the problem it means there is NO problem.

Anyway, I started writing this because I’m literally in the middle of a mental breakdown but (not saying the company i work for) the person who’s in the emergency line of my company doesn’t give a shit for mental health.

Is it fair that I called 2 hours before my shift starts that I was in the middle of a depression crisis?

Is it fair that she needs to find someone to cover me in this short period of time?

But I dont think it’s fair with myself as well that i have to work while I’m crying, feeling I’m gonna faint, vomit, that I’m feeling so weak my stomach is hurting, that I can’t barely breathe (No, it’s not corona cause i did the test and it was negative), that I have to cycle to EACH client even though I’m feeling all these things and I can literally fall from the bike, that I wasn’t taking my depression/anxiety medicines cause I didnt have enough money to pay for my medicines cause i dont even have money to pay my own rent (at least my friend gave me some so i dont have to freak out for some time). Yeah, I’m not working that much since when the pandemic started, used to work 43/45 hours per week and now I’m working just 23. I have my rent, bils, food, medicines, student loan… but as the emergency woman said ‘’you can’t stay without your medicines, it’s not that expensive, around 10 euros.’’, but i paid 36 and yeah, it’s not a lot of money, but for a student who has to pay everything by my own, it’s not working as much as I used to, don’t have money to pay my rent, food, imagine medicines… so, it’s just 36 euros, i’d love if someone could pay my medicines, i’d love if I could get strangers medicines, but I dont even have money to pay my medicines, imagine to pay the doctor AGAIN, and then start paying more for a medicine that right now I dont even have money to pay the ‘’normal’’ one. (Idk if it makes sense in English, cause not my first language, anyway). And I’m here in my client’s house waiting her to finish her conversation with her daughter so i can start working, my shift starts at 17:00 and it’s already 17:26, and i have to make her tea, smth to eat, wash the dishes when she finishes, but yeah, at least i dont have to talk with her cause im feeling so sick, my face is so huge right now cause i couldnt stop crying, I took 3 medicines to get better to finish this day but idk if is helping or making worse cause i wanna vomit so bad that idk whats happening.

Anyway, i finished my client and called my friend so he could help me to sort this out before i go to my next client at 20:00, he was teaching me how to breath so i can calm down, it worked a bit not even thought i was feeling tralking with someone who really knows and the best thing is that shes a psychologist, so I called her, i was crying like hell, explained everything that happened and she said that (not exactly in these words) i need to get help from a psychiatrist cause I’m always gonna have smth going on if i don’t get help, and as she said ‘’Headache, sore throat, depression crisis, that all these things that i have/feel is connected to my mental health…’’. I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed after she said this cause I know that ny mental health is because of my emotions 99% of times, but it’s dont think my sore throat was caused because im feeling sad. Two weeks ago when i felt my throat hurting I was pretty ok, I haven’t stoped with the medication at that time cause i still had it, and I was pretty ok actually, I just reported to the office cause when i got the virus for the first time the first symptoms i had was sore throat, and i dont have this often, like, in over 2 years i just had 3 times, the first time was tonsillitis, the second was because i got the virus, the third was two weeks ago and i still dont know what it was, cause i felt a bit strange so i reported because i thought it might be the virus, cause it was exactly what i felt before, so i did the covid test and it was negative so i know it wasnt the virus, but i didnto go to any doctor because as I said in the beginning of the text i dont have money to pay my rent, my medicines, I DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO SEE WHY MY THROAT IS HURTING, so i still dont know what it was, but i got throat medicines from my friend and then got better, so maybe smth like tonsillitis but not that strong cause tonsillitis feels worse than what i felt, anyway, coming back to 2 weeks ago, i just reported because I was afraid that it could be the virus and my clients were in dangerous, but now that i know how she feels about myself (even though it can be true) I won’t report any other symptom (she works in my company office), not cause im trying to get attention, cause no one is reading this, but myself, but cause i feel that the company doesnt take me serious. Anyway, I just wont report anything anymore, I just hope i don’t get anything that i can spread to my clients cause i do love them, and i care for them more than for myself, cause i dont give a shit if i die because of the virus, or anything, but if if my clients get this because of me id never forgive myself. Anyway, it’s just sad that a friend and a psychologist thinks that cause my emotions i have sore throat and headache and i’m not able to work because of THESE. Normally I’m not able to work for good reasons, I’m always honest with my company, I could totally pretend i felt from my bike so I couldnt work, I could give a really good excuse to not work, but instead i said the truth, cause i couldnt get my medicines cause I’m not working that much so i dont have money to pay anything and i was having an abstinence crisis and I was shaking, feeling vomiting, dizzying… anyway… Unfortunately people can’t understand whats happening with others cause they are not others, and even if we try hard we could never understand, unless we’re going through the same. The only thing we can do is support who we love, even if it doesnt make any sense for us, because for them it does.

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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years ago

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just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)”

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class”

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!!

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#vent #rant #i sincerely doubt anyone will read to the end of this but whomst knows #besides it feels nice to just scream

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newmoon-newme96 · 5 years ago

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P.S.A

There is NOTHING more offensive to those of us struggling with eating disorders then other people faking having an eating disorder.

If you do not have an eating disorder, do not say that you do. Do not pretend to have one for attention. Just dont fucking do it.

If you do not understand what an eating disorder is, don't mention it, dont talk about it. You did not "use to be" anorexic because you were skinny. You were just skinny and now your less skinny. You cant say "I use to have an eating disorder" it's always there, it never fully goes away.

You dont say "I use to have an addition to drugs" you say "I'm a recovering drug addict, 10 years clean" eating disorders are the same idea.

You are not anorexic because you dont eat breakfast, but every other meal of the day.

You are not anorexic simply because you dont like your weight.

You are not anorexic because you see someone else struggling and think "if I do this too, I can have attention like her" THE ATTENTION I GOT WAS NOT GOOD ATTENTION. IT SUCKED

You are not anorexic if you skip the regular meal for the aesthetic but then eat 4 slices of cake because you were hungry.

EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT ABOUT BEING SKINNY AND PRETTY

They are about control, they are about unhealthy coping mechanisms, they are about unhealthy relationships and shaky hands and dizzy spells.

They are passing out in the shower and waking up with massive headaches

they are feeling sick and weak all hours of the day.

They are going to urgent care because you hurt your ankle, and spending 2 hours there getting a full physical done looking for access hair and bruises. Protruding bones and multiple blood draws to check your levels, and the dr telling you to go back to counseling and reaching out to your primary to set up a nutritionist. All the time you're thinking "but I only sprained my ankle"

Eating disorders are your dr telling you your going to miscarry your baby.

Eating disorders are your baby being born early, and spending time in the NICU because your body was so destroyed when you got pregnant

Eating disorders are clinging on to the counters at work so you dont fall over

They are not being able to lift your kids because your arms are to weak

They are mental break downs not just at night when your alone but hiding in the bathroom for half an hour while an entire room of your friends and family are waiting and asking if your okay, you just simply say "I'm fine" hoping they cant tell you were just crying because you ate half a plate of fucking spaghetti.

They are curling up in a ball because your stomach hurts so bad you are not sure how much you can handle.

It's your hair thinning, nails breaking, sensitive teeth and sunken eyes

They are feelings of worthlessness

And once you start recovery. It's more weeks of feeling sick, your stomach hurting because its not use to the nutrition you've been depriving it of for months, years even.

You don't want this. And it doesnt matter if the one who actually does have an eating disorder is recovering, or actively dealing with it. Seeing someone fake it. Or lie about having one in the past still sucks. Stop it

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hi-its-namjin-anon · 6 years ago

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Get Some Rest

Jin woke up early in the morning to a pounding headache and nausea practically overwhelming him. He clambered out of his bed and hurried into the bathroom, every step making his head throb. He’d barely dropped to his knees in front of the toilet when a thick, foul-tasting wave of bile forced its way up his throat. He gagged and retched, cringing at the sound of vomit splashing into the water. It was all he could do to keep the sounds he made fairly quiet so he didn’t wake the other boys. He kept throwing up, unable to stop no matter how hard he tried to hold it back, and he desperately hoped nobody else was awake. He had to be strong for them. He couldn’t be sick. Finally, after what felt like forever, it was over, and Jin drew a shaky breath and rested his forehead on the toilet seat. Tears were running down his face and his whole body was shaky and weak and his throat was burning and he just felt awful. After a moment, he pushed himself to his feet, nearly threw up again when he saw how utterly disgusting all the vomit looked, and then, after taking a moment to steady himself, he cleaned up and shuffled back to bed. His head still hurt, but he managed to fall asleep. “Jin-hyung,” a voice said, dragging him out of his slumber a few hours later. Jin groaned and blinked his eyes open to see Yoongi standing over him. He still felt like shit, but at least his headache had gone away. “Hi, Yoon,” Jin mumbled. “Go away. I wanna sleep more.” “No, hyung, you have to get up,” Yoongi said. “Busy day today, remember? We have dance practice and then-” “Oh, yeah.” Jin really didn’t want to do anything active, especially not first thing in the morning, but he didn’t have a choice. The group’s schedule was busy whether he liked it or not. He decided to just tough it out. He’d be okay. “Yeah. Come on, time to get up.” “Okay, okay.” Yoongi left the room, and Jin tried to muster up the strength to get out of bed. He ended up closing his eyes again, and the next thing he knew Namjoon was there, shaking him awake. “Jinnie,” the younger man said. “Come on, you need to get up. We’re gonna be late. Wake up.” He tugged Jin’s covers off and pulled him up into a sitting position. Jin groaned and wrapped his arms around Namjoon’s waist, burying his face in his boyfriend’s stomach. “I don’t wanna do stuff,” he mumbled. “I didn’t sleep well last night. What time did I go to sleep? One? I’m not sure. And then I woke up again and-” He broke off, remembering that he didn’t want to mention that he was sick. “Yeah. I’m tired.” “Aw, baby, were you practicing late again?” “Yeah.” “Well, there’s nothing you can do about it now, but tonight I’ll be sure to hold you and make sure you get enough sleep. You’ll feel better once you’re up and moving around, too. And then when we get home we can take a nap, alright?” He ruffled Jin’s hair affectionately. “For now you’ve gotta get up, though.” “Alright. I’ll get up.” And he actually did get up that time. The sick feeling in his stomach didn’t go away, and neither did the exhaustion that had settled itself over him like a weighted blanket. But he got ready and didn’t complain, even though the car ride was hell and he felt awful. If Jin thought the car ride was bad, dance practice was even worse. Every motion made his stomach churn and he was still so exhausted. He had gotten away with skipping breakfast by just pretending he’d had something, but he still felt sick. “Can we pause?” He asked after what felt like hours but was really only around thirty minutes. “I need to go to the bathroom.” “Yeah,” the instructor replied. “Go ahead.” Jin thanked him and left the room, and as soon as he was out he ran down the hall to the bathroom. He felt like he needed to throw up again. He collapsed halfway there, though, crumpling to the floor as his legs gave out. He stayed there for a minute, savoring the cool tile, and then he got up again and made his way - walking this time - into the bathroom. He locked the door and sat down in front of the toilet wanting to just get it over with, but nothing came up. He heaved a few times, but nothing happened. He just felt nauseous, he realized. He splashed some water from the sink on his face and returned to the practice room, and they resumed their rigorous dancing. After an hour, they had another break, and not a moment too soon, because Jin could already feel the nausea rising again. He hurried off to the bathroom, but Yoongi beat him to it. Desperate, he raced off and found an empty room, where he threw up in a trash can. Then he leaned back, gasping for breath, and wiped away his tears. He couldn’t get rid of the horrible taste in his mouth, but at least he looked okay and wasn’t about to puke in the middle of whatever choreography they’d be going over next. With a sigh, he hauled himself to his feet and returned to the practice room. “Jin,” Taehyung said. “Here, have some water. You look thirsty.” He held out a bottle of water, and Jin realized just how dehydrated he was, especially after vomiting twice. He hadn’t had anything to drink since the first round of sickness that morning. He gratefully accepted the water and downed it all at once. It made his stomach churn and gurgle unhappily, but he needed to stay hydrated. He made it through another hour of dance practice, although he felt like his legs would give out at any moment and the headache from that night was starting to return alongside the ever-present queasiness. As soon as they had another break, he headed for the bathroom again, but as he approached the door of the practice room he started to feel even weaker than before. Dizziness took over, and it took all his strength to keep from stumbling too obviously as he left the room. Once he was out in the hall, though, the dizziness suddenly increased tenfold, and the next thing Jin knew he was laying facedown on the floor. His head was spinning and when he tried to push himself up into a sitting position his arms gave out. Behind him, the door to the practice room opened again and someone stepped out into the hall. “Oh my god,” he heard Namjoon gasp. “Seokjin! Seokjinnie!” The rapper was suddenly kneeling by his side, looking horrified. “Namjoon,” Jin replied weakly. Namjoon rested a hand on his forehead but then pulled it back when he realized that Jin was still hot and sweaty from dancing so it would be hard to see if he had a fever. “Jinnie, sweetie, what happened? Are you okay? Why are you on the floor?” “I was walking and then suddenly I was on the floor and now I don’t feel strong enough to get up. I’m not feeling so good today,” he admitted, swallowing his pride and ignoring his desire to not be a burden. “Can you elaborate?” Namjoon asked desperately. “Uh, yeah,” Jin replied. “It started really early this morning when I threw up the first time, and then I went to sleep and then when I woke up I still felt bad and I threw up again during our last break and I still felt bad and now here we are.” “And you didn’t tell anyone?” “I didn’t want to be a burden…” “Jinnie, you gotta tell us when you’re not feeling good,” Namjoon said. “We’ve told you, you’re not a burden. Everyone gets sick. You just need to let us know.” He ran a hand through Jin’s sweat-drenched hair. “Here, let me get you some water. I’ll be right back.” He stood and hurried back into the practice room. “Guys, Jin’s sick,” Jin heard him say. “I found him in the hall on the floor.” “Is he conscious?” Jimin asked. “Yeah. He told me this started early this morning and he’s thrown up twice. I don’t know what’s wrong but it sounds like he fainted just now.” Namjoon returned with a bottle of water in his hand. The other members and their dance instructor were following him, and they all knelt beside him. “Jungkook-ah,” Namjoon said, “run and get him a damp paper towel or something for his face. Instructor-nim, can you grab a fan? Hoseok, go let someone else know, okay? Jimin and Tae, stay here. Yoongi, go grab some more water.” Everyone hurried off to do as they were told, and Namjoon lifted the water he was holding to Jin’s lips. Jin gladly drank it, savoring the feeling of the cold liquid in his mouth. Taehyung ran a gentle hand through his hair and Jimin rubbed his back. Yoongi returned with two more bottles of water, and then he rested a cool hand on Jin’s forehead. The dance instructor came back with an electric fan. Tears started to roll down Jin’s cheeks, dripping onto the floor. “Oh, Jinnie, don’t cry,” Namjoon murmured. He gently wiped the tears away with his thumbs. “You’ll be okay.” “I’m just causing problems for y-” Jin cut himself off with a violent gag, and the next thing he knew he was coughing and practically choking on bile and water. Taehyung and Yoongi helped him prop himself up on his arms, holding him up as he heaved and retched and vomited on the floor. The dance instructor hurried off to grab a trash can, but by the time he returned Jin had already gotten everything out of his stomach. Jungkook returned with a handful of damp paper towels, and Namjoon took a couple and used them to wipe up Jin’s lips and chin. “We should get him to a hospital,” Yoongi said. “He doesn’t look so good.” “Yeah,” Namjoon agreed. “Let’s wait for Hoseok to get back and then we’ll figure everything out. Hey, hey, Jinnie, don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.” Hoseok returned, followed by Bang PD-nim and a pair of young women Jin recognized as some of the medical staff members. Namjoon explained the situation and they quickly looked over Jin. When they couldn’t find what was wrong, they advised the group to take him to the hospital. Jin ended up sitting in the back of PD-nim’s car, cradled in Namjoon’s arms. Namjoon had him drink a few sips of water periodically so he would stay hydrated, and eventually they made it to the hospital, where it was determined that Jin was just seriously overworked, that he was so exhausted his body couldn’t function right, and that he’d be okay as long as he got some rest as soon as possible. Namjoon texted the other boys, who had stayed at the studio on the orders of the staff, and told them that everything was fine and he’d be going home with Jin. Thirty minutes later, Jin was curled up in his bed, cuddled up against Namjoon. The younger man’s arms were warm and comforting, making Jin realize just how tired he really was. His bones suddenly felt like lead, but Namjoon was there. Namjoon was helping him to feel better. “You gonna be okay, baby?” Namjoon asked, running a hand down Jin’s spine. “Yeah, I think so,” Jin replied. “I hope so.” “Good. Get some sleep now, okay? And try to limit your late-night dance practice sessions in the future.” He pulled Jin closer and started humming, and despite the fact that Jin still felt sick and tired and all-around awful, he finally drifted off into blissful unconsciousness.

#emeto #emetophilia #vomiting #fainting #sick seokjin #i'm a sucker for sick jinnie okay i'm sorry #fic uwu #namjin #exhaustion #poor jinnie

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exalok · 6 years ago

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Bad Things Happen -- Doesn’t Realize They’ve Been Injured, CorvoDaud

Bad things happen: Doesnt realize they've been injured and/or anger born from worry for corvo/Daud.

(warnings: graphic injuries)

It's been a rough night.

(The house was supposed to be empty – but he supposes the Overseers caught wind of the same rumours he did, because otherwise it means he made enough sound to attract a patrol. It's bad enough he didn't hear them approach before coming out the back door. The strain is starting to show.)

He lands a transversal on the roof opposite and slips, his knee buckling, only avoids a fall off the edge by catching his heels in the drain. The metal shrieks and he hears a screw come loose, but it holds.

(He stared at them like an idiot for long enough that one stepped forward and drew his sword, blocking Daud's line of escape. Daud barrelled into him, the hilt of his own blade in hand and he – he hesitated –

Sharp pain, and a blackness entirely unlike the Void.)

Dunwall Tower cuts a dark shape in the night sky. Lights at its windows, winking – candles. The Royal Protector's is among them, and open, the curtains drawn back. Expecting him.

(Woke up in Holger Square, being carried through the gate. One of them was saying: “... usic box, hurry! Look, his hand – we captured him at the Winslow residence –” The other one, grunting under his weight: “Must have smelled the black magic –” No. No. If they brought the box, he'd be caught like a rat in a cage –

He struggled, still slow with his brain swirling around in his skull, managed to land on hands and knees when the Overseer dropped him in surprise. Up to his feet, quick, but the first one was already grabbing him by the arm, the other drawing his sword again as though to threaten him forward – Daud swung and his knuckles split [shit. his gloves are gone] against the face of the first but there were more coming, like roaches, a swarm of gold faces, reached for his sword and found it gone too, turned, ran –

He stumbled halfway across the street and cold flooded him in a burst – fuck, was it the music? had he not been fast enough? but nothing stopped him from getting back up, nothing stopped the numbing burn in his left hand, and his boots found purchase on a streetlight, and then he was on the ledge, running, and there were tiles under his feet –)

Daud reaches the windowsill. Corvo– The Royal Protector stands with his back to the night, reading a letter by the light of the dying fire. His hair is haloed orange and gold. Daud steps down, boots making hardly a sound on the boards.

“You took longer than I exp–” he starts to say as he turns, and then all the breath is sucked back into his lungs.

Daud hardly has the time to look up again and see the fire's glint in his wide eyes before Corvo has him by the front of his jacket. “What in the Void happened,” he says, voice flat, taking in Daud's face then stepping back, a hand pressing Daud to the wall, to inspect the rest of him.

“Overseers,” Daud grits out, breathing through the pain of Corvo's hand against his sternum. They must've bruised something carrying him to Holger Square. Corvo's eyes flick up, dark and piercing.

“An ambush? Did they know?”

Daud shakes his head. “Saw me leaving the building.” It sounds less incriminating than I walked right into them when I went through the door.

“You fought.” Corvo's thumb brushes his cheekbone and Daud fights not to lean into it, despite the sting of pain. Did he land on his face when he fell? “Where are your gloves? Did they catch you?” His voice keeps halting like the breath is catching in his throat. Daud pushes against him, tries to get some space back. He can barely get any air.

“Give me a minute.”

Corvo relents and takes a step back. Daud slumps against the wall, trying to fill his lungs. He doesn't know how it can be so cold in here if the fire's been going long enough to nearly die out. “Cold in here. Could you –?”

Corvo closes the window. When he turns back, his eyes drop, and he stops.

“Daud. Sit down.”

Daud tries to straighten. “I don't –”

The chair is next to him now, and he's being firmly guided into it, the grip on his shoulder almost painful. Daud obeys only because he thinks he might collapse anyway if he tries to fight. “– your leg,” comes Corvo's voice through a haze of white noise, and Daud says,

“What?” squinting up at him because the firelight seems so much stronger now. “I fell coming back, must've scraped it –” and his own throat grates closed when Corvo's hand curling around his knee sends a bolt of shocking hurt up his entire body.

“Stop talking,” Corvo snaps, and stalks to the cabinet near the library, his steps tight and controlled. Fury renders him quiet, a shadow. Daud remembers. His skin breaks into goosebumps.

Corvo comes back with the lacquered black emergency kit. The long tweezers gleam in his hand.

“Turn right,” he says, curt, and Daud shuffles into place.

There's a hole in his left leg. The cloth down to his ankle shines black and dizzying. Daud retreats, and his body stays in place.

Corvo's hand gripping the back of his neck draws him back up into nausea and the unsteady sway of the room. Daud closes his eyes. The image of Corvo's black, angry gaze, and the bloody bullet lying on the ground beside him refuse to go away. When a shake doesn't convince him to open them, Corvo's hand slides up to curl around his ear, the fingers tight in his hair.

“You never get caught,” Corvo says, and even sightless Daud can hear the fury in how his voice has gone low, edging on uncontrolled. “What happened?”

“They surprised me,” he mutters, helpless. He can't hold back the words.

“What did you find in that house?”

“Nothing I didn't expect.”

“Are you sick?”

Daud grimaces, his lip curling back, and his eyes finally open a sliver. “No.”

“Then tell me why.”

The breath he takes is too steady for how the room swings around him. “Tomorrow, it'll be a year.”

Corvo's mouth shuts. Daud can see, now, where his eyelashes shine too sharp for it to be the firelight.

“It'll be a year since. I can't stop remembering. It hounds me through the days and in my dreams and I can't sleep.”

The crush of Corvo's arms is almost a comfort. It hurts – his whole face burns and throbs, pressed against the shoulder of Corvo's shirt, and his ribs feel black and blue – but it's warm, an enveloping weight. Corvo's mouth rasps against his hair.

Daud wants those arms to tighten until he's nothing at all.

#dishonored #corvodaud #prompts #writins #badthingshappenbingo

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jackandmarksavedme88 · 6 years ago

Text

@ashphoenix06 @weirdmixofweirdness @honestlyitsjustkennaswriting @emma-wrote

TW: Violence anxd Blood

(I dont have a title for it lmao)

I could hear Jack in the next room recording his let's play; I heard him laugh and giggled. "My best friend is an idiot." I checked my phone, waiting for him to be done. I looked around and wondered how the hell i got here. Four years ago i was just someone just watching his videoes. Now? He's one of my best friends....something i would've laughed in your face for even suggesting it could happen. And yet here i am.

Suddenly the hairs on the back of my neck stand up...something's wrong. I realized its too quiet. I look toward Jack's game room and realize its silent.... except for a faint static sound.

"Jack?? You ok in there dude?"

My question was met with silence.

"Jack?" I get up and walk towards the door to the room hes in. The sound makes me shiver. 'What the hell is that?' I wonder.

"Hey... You ok?" I say as i knock on the door

"Ye-yeah...Im good...hey listen i dont think i can go tonight."

I frown "Huh? The whole reason anyone is coming is because youre here in LA for a while and they havent seen you in forever"

I hear him breathing hard "Just...go and tell them im sick"

I turn the knob slightly to open the door "Jack, are you sure youre ok?

"YES! ITS JUST A DAMN HEADACHE. GO"

I jump back, startled at the rage and pain mixed in his voice.

"Uh..o-ok...... If you need something let me know" I turn and walk out of the apartment hes renting and frown as i step onto the street

'What the hell was that?' I wonder.

I see a text from Amy asking if we are on the way. I dial her

'Hellllooooo?' I hear her boyfriend Mark's goofy voice

'Hey guys...jack is sick. He's not coming tonight'

Theres a pause as they take in the confusion and hurt in my voice

'What happened?' Asked Amy

'Fuckin beats me. But if he was a girl id guess PMS. He yelled at me! But its whatever. I'll just go hang out at home. I dont feel much like going anywhere anymore"

"No. Im going to come get you." Amy said. "Ill invite Katherine and Tyler and Ethan and we will all hang out at our house.... I dont want you alone right now"

I knew why. Mark and Amy knew all about the nightmares, the panic attacks. All of it started ten months ago and whenever they could, they kept me company

I was quiet...thinking back. To that night that everything came crashing down. The facade i built up was torn away.

*************

"Ugh. Youre talking to them AGAIN? Why do you feel the need to be up their asses"

I jumped, startled by Brandon speaking from the doorway

"Jesus babe. You scared me! Im watching Jack's video and talking to him and Mark."

'Yeah. Like you do every freakin day. You ever think they get tired of you?" His words dripped coldly, stabbing at a well known insecurity and finding their mark

I took a deep breath "No. Because they would say so. They would tell me 'hey. I dont feel like talking' and that would be that"

Brandon rolled his eyes "Yeah. Whatever. I dont see why youre friends with them anyway. They take too much priority. You should be focused on other things...like me"

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes "I focus on you enough. Come watch with me! Its funny!"

"No. Thanks. I have better things to do. You should too" his voice getting that edge to it...the one I knew too well, it made me cringe but at the same time pissed me off

"I really dont get what your deal is." I said

"My deal is they stick their nose where it doesnt belong and they dont know when to walk away....especially that little Irish asshole" he sneered.

That struck me for some reason "Hey! Jack has never done anything to you Brandon. Neither has Mark for that matter. Back the hell off" I said, standing up and facing him

His green eyes flashed darkly "You need to watch how you talk to me. Thats another thing, you get mouthy when you talk to them. You forget where you belong"

I stared at him...wondering how the hell it had come to this. He wasnt always this way...and i wasnt always afraid of what would happen...

Mouthy?! If standing up for myself and people i care about makes me mouthy then i guess so! And what do you mean they dont know how to walk away? What the hell are you talking about? Whatd Jack do that was so bad?"

He barked a laugh out "When we went out to LA for you to see them, he didnt like how he perceived i was treating you. He threatened me. Him and Mark. Threating me! Not that you care"

I thought about that trip. About the bruise on my face i got the first night for a hug that lasted too long. The bruise on my arm when i wanted to go dance but not with Brandon... Thats when Jack, Mark and Amy had begged me to stay there.

To leave Brandon... Thats when they peeked behind the curtain i had kept up for the last two years.

"What do you mean by threatened?" I asked warily. Not sure what happened

" He waited till you went to the bathroom with the girls and slammed me up against the wall and said if i knew what was good for me Id 'treat you better' and he better not hear of it again" Mark just stood there and watched it and when i went to say something to him he said it was better that Jack did it because he wouldve done worse! Thats what your precious friends did." He spat. Words dripping with disdain.

I stood speechless.... I didn't think anyone gave a crap. Sure they said they did and wanted me to leave...but i didnt think i was a friend worth threatening someone over

"Well. Thats what happens when you care about someone. You protect them" i said quietly...before i realized what that would set off, then steeled myself for it

The atmosphere of the room changed. It went from normal to almost foggy. The tension grew thick. Brandon stepped up close to me, his 6ft frame dwarfing my 5'3" one.

"Im the ONLY person that gives a shit about you. They keep you around for entertainment. You think they care? You could disappear and in a month they wouldnt even remember your name. Im the one that takes care of you. Im the one that made you who you are. You would still be in your moms house in that backwoods town if it wasnt for me! You keep forgetting just where you stand in this relationship Alison. Keep pushing and im going to have to reteach you some things" his words were almost a whisper

"Now. Unless you want me to wait and kick his ass myself to make him leave you be, i suggest you not talk to him as much." He said smiling...it didnt quiet reach his eyes though. Those were cold and hateful

The thought of him putting hands on jack was too much. I stepped up right in his face

"You can do whatever you want to me. Say what ever you want to me....but dont you EVER threaten one of them again!" I spit out the words, my emotions and courage suprising me

I shouldve prepared myself, but the smack caught me off guard and i fell against the wall. He grabbed me and turned me to face him, pressing my back to it

"I told you. Dont. Speak.To.Me.That.Way" he spit out as he painfully grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.

"Brandon.. Let go!" I cried. He just laughed and hit me in the ribs on each side. I went down to my knees

"Get up you pathetic bitch. You want to stand up for your man, then do it"

"Brandon. Hes my friend. Why do you have to be this way. Hes a friend!" I yelled through my tears

"Oh. I know. Because why would he want something like you? But you seem to forget how to talk to me" his words dripped in hatred and anger. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and drug me to my feet. "Now. Are you going to do as told? Or do i need to convince you further?"

I breathed in sharply, pretty sure a rib was at the least bruised if not broken. But then i thought back to what he said. Thought of what hed do to Jack....because he really was that possesive.

"Im waiiiiting Ali. Or do you need a visual of what ill do to him? Id probably start at his kneecaps. Break those and hes at my mercy. Then ill work over his ribs and his face...if im feeling generous i might stop before theres a need for ICU...."

That did it. I went numb and saw red. I couldnt feel the pain in my face or ribcage anymore. The thought of it sent me flying into his face

I think it suprised him because i had never fought back before. Id always bowed down to whatever he wanted. Because i thought i loved him. Because i thought he was all i had.

I screamed as i drove myself into him and out into the living room. He tripped on his own feet and i landed on him, throwing fists anywhere theyd land. I heard a crack as i landed one on the bridge of his nose and blood started to flow. He yelled and grabbed me and flipped me over. He smacked me in the face and his body weight pinned me to the floor

"You dumb cunt. You really thought that would work? Did you really think you could make me do what you wanted by fighting back????? Youre mine and you will obey me!!" He punched me in the face and i almost blacked out. He looked up to the coffee table and saw his pocket knife and got a look of pure evil in his eyes. "And apparently you need a reminder of the fact that whats mine is MINE" With one hand he held my wrists as i struggle to break free, with the other he grabbed the knife and popped it open, the blade sharp and gleaming.... This was it... I knew i was going to die. Hed threatened so many times and hes finally going to do it.

He lifted the bottom of my shirt up, exposing my stomach. "Now. Hold still sweetheart" he purred coldly.

I started to kick and scream as i felt the knife drag across and slice my skin open....and the world went black..

..........

I slowly came to, blinking against the fluorescent lights. I opened my eyes slowly, letting them adjust. Feeling dizzy, worn out... What the hell was going on?

"No. Shes been out of it since she came up here. Theyve given her medicine to help her rest and keep her calm. No, i dont know what they think yet...... Yes i know you want to kill him but the fact is, youre in England and hes here in Texas... Jack. Dude ill let you know, i promise...alright. Bye'.... I knew that voice..

I was confused. What is Mark talking about and why the hell does he sound so close? My eyes finally cleared and i could see Amy on the couch against the windows... Mark was pacing back and forth. His hair messed up like it is when he constantly runs his hands through it....i knew that was a nervous tic of his... I realized I was in a hospital bed

"M-Mark? I croaked out. Throat dry

He turned sharply "Alison!" Rushing to the bed side he grabbed my hand "Hey...welcome back" I looked to the other side where Amy had perched on the bed next to me, a worried look

"What.....what the hell happened?" I murmured, thoughts jumbled. I looked in Marks eyes, they were wet with tears that he blinked away quickly. "That bastard almost killed you.... The neighbor heard you screaming and called the cops....when they got there they could hear it so they busted in... He broke four of your ribs, gave you a concussion and cut you all up....you had me and Amy on emergency numbers so we got here this morning....youve been here about 24 hours." Tears streamed down his face as he squeezed my hand. I felt Amy rub my arm and looked over to her.

"You guys didnt have to come all the way here for me. Really.... Thats crazy. Amazing. But crazy"

"Heh" mark laughed "jack wanted to jump a flight from England... Oh i better call him"

He walked outside the room and shut the door

"Alison....I want you to come home with us when you get out of here. Im not leaving you in that apartment." Amy said, determination on her face. I knew there was no arguing.

"Ok...maybe for a little while..." I trailed off. We sat in silence for a moment

"By the way....cops said you broke that assholes nose and an orbital bone. Also busted his ribs when you were kicking him when he cut you...nice job" she laughed bitterly

**********

Ali??" Amy said over the phone. I snapped out of my daydream. "Yeah Amy...Im here. Um...Im just not up to people tonight... I promise im ok. If im not, I'll call you." I said

It was quiet for a moment and then Mark spoke up "Are you sure? We can be to your place in no time." I smiled "Yeah guys. Im sure. Ill talk to ya'll tomorrow" i hung up the phone after saying goodbye and walked to my car. Pondering what my life had become in just a few years..... 'Screw this. Im going for a drink' i said aloud.

I went back to my apartment and picked out my black dress from the back of the closet. I felt like wearing it for the first time since i bought it. I held it up to my body and studied my reflection and laughed, remembering the day i bought it

*********************

"Amy..... I really dont think i can come out in this" i said from inside the dressing room

"Alison Jaymes if you dont step out here right this minute im crawling under the door!' She said laughing

I grimaced...embarrassed to be in something cut so low.....sure my legs looked great and it gave me great cleavage but..... id be a laughing stock if i walked in anywhere in this...but i knew shed do what she said. i cracked the door and peeked out, making sure no one was around and stepped out.

Amy's eyes widened "holy crap! Girl. You have to get that. You look amazing!!!!"

"Yeah. Right im sure. And where or when would i wear the damn thing.... It shows too many of...these" i said bitterly as i traced the light scar down my arm and then one on my leg...both left that night by Brandon

Amy stepped closer to me "Ali, you look amazing. Please get it. Especially since your hair is that cherry cola color. Your green eyes pop and this dress just completes it. You.look.amazing..... I bet Jack would be speechless....and thats hard to think of" she laughed, looking at me mischeviously

I threw my head back and laughed. "Yeah. Speechless as to why i would wear something like this. I could have a Playstation attached to my head and he wouldnt notice me. Not that way..and thats fine. But.....this would be good to wear out to get drinks...meet a stranger....dance. Hmmm"

********************

I finished my eyeliner was applying my red lipstick. I stepped back from the mirror and admired myself. Id lost about thirty pounds in the last few months and had to admit i didnt look half bad.....i slipped my heels on and grabbed my coat and walked to the car.

As i was putting the keys in the ignition, my phone rang. I looked down at it as the screen lit up with Jacks face

"Hello? " I answered. Not knowing what to expect

"A-alison?" Jacks voice came through the phone raspily. It made me shiver

"Yeah Jack. Whats up?" I asked, a little worried now. He didnt sound like himself

"Hey...im really sorry about that... I-I didnt mean to yell at you at all. Its just...hard to fight those headaches and....well im just sorry ok?" He said, rushing through his words. I could tell he was tired. Worriedly i said " Are you sure you dont need anything? I have medicine in my purse. I could go get you some food or something...." Losing all thought of going out. Wanting to know what was actually going on

"Yeah...maybe...maybe some soup or something?" He asked. I smiled "Sure. I can do that. Give me a little bit and I'll be there, ok?" He sighed "Ok...and Ali? Again im really sorry-"

"Ah ah" i stopped him. It doesnt matter now. We're good. " i hung up, still worried, but glad to not end on a bad note. I got back out of the car and hurried inside. Instead of changing i just grabbed some sweat pants and old tshirt to change into when i got there.

About an hour later i knocked on the door. Jack opened it and invited me in...not speaking. I was carrying some chicken soup from the diner i loved going to. Homemade and it smelled amazing

"Hey. Thanks for coming back....what is all that?" Jack chuckled as i put the food and a bag from the pharmacy on the counter

"Well, i got tylenol, ibprophen and even some icy hot and vicks..... I didnt know what was causing the headache so i just grabbed what i use for different ones" I studied him for a moment.... "You sure you're ok? You freaked me out"

He looked at me with a sad expression "Yeah...im really sorry Ali...i dont know what happened. I feel like an asshole" he stared at the ground. I stepped toward him and put my hand on his shoulder. "Hey. I told you not to apologize anymore. All is forgiven. I just want to make sure youre ok Jack. Thats all that matters..ok?" He looked up, his blue eyes staring into mine and nodded. "Yeah...okay" he sighed and relaxed.

The he looked me up and down "what the hell are you wearing?" He laughed

I looked down, suddenly remembering the clothes in the bag on the table and the fact that i had my dress on. Blushing i laughed "Well. I was on my way to get a drink when you called.....i brought some clothes to change into.. I look dumb i know, i just didnt want to take the time to change' He looked down at my feet "were you going to wear your converse to the bar??" He said teasingly.

I laughed "No! I had heels on, but i didnt think you needed to see all that! Shut up!" I said throwing my hands up. Uncomfortable under his gaze all of a sudden. Feeling his baby blues on me

He touched my arm lightly and chuckled "hey. Im sorry. I didnt mean anything by it. Honestly you look great Alison. Ive never seen you dressed up like this"

I stared at my feet for a moment, trying to regain composure. "Well. Let me go change. You start eating" i said. Grabbing the bag with my clothes i went into the bathroom and changed.

After eating we sat down and popped in a movie. As it played i watched Jack from the other end of the couch...studying him. He seemed normal....i guess. There was still something off...but maybe hes just getting sick.

I held out the bowl of popcorn wed made and offered it to him. When he didnt notice i took a piece and tossed it at the side of his face

"Huh?! What the hell?" He said. I laughed "dude. You were spaced the hell out!" He grabbed the bowl and then looked at me mischeviously. He got a handful of popcorn and lobbed them at my face, laughing

"Hey! I threw a single piece! Not fair!" I dove over to his side of the couch for the bowl, giggling as he transferred it to his far hand and held it out of reach. "Urghh. Why am i so..short?" I growled as i struggled to reach it.

"Because its fun to play keep away" Jack laughed. I tried to get up to steal it but he held me with one arm. "Thats not fair either!" I laughed, collapsing as he poked me in the side. I looked down at him, one arm stretched over the side of the couch with the bowl of popcorn and me pretty much just laying on him....suddenly very aware of my face's proximity to his face...i flushed crimson and sat up and adjusted myself so i was again leaning to the other side of the couch

"Rude. Im ticklish and short...whats your flaw?" I jokingly pouted. He threw his head back and laughed. "You don't have the time or mental space for all my flaws Alison" Jack got up "Ill be right back. I want to make sure the video uploaded right" he walked into his game room, leaving the door cracked open.

After about five minutes i stood up, stretching and went to the kitchen to get a drink. As i was standing there, my back to the living room, i heard...laughter? My head whipped around...that didnt sound like Jack though. It was...weird. I sat my glass on the counter and creeped up to the crack in the game room door.

"Jack....hows the video?" My question was met with silence so i pushed the door open.

Jack sat in the corner of the room, on the floor, back to me with his head in his hands. His head was moving...twitching side to side..

"J-Jack? Are you ok?" I walked slowly to him...suddenly aware of how very silent it was...i couldnt even hear outside nosies....

I reached my hand out and right as i was about to grab his shoulder he spoke...pained....like he was fighting with the words.

"Al-Alison....go back to the living room....please....please just go.....just go in there ok? Give me a little bit...Im-Im fine but i need you to go...shut the door....please ali"

I shrunk back...he sounded almost desperate. "Jack. Please...let me help you...if youd just tell me what's wrong...."

He laughed bitterly "No. I need to be alone on this...please just go....and....do one other thing?" he sounded serious. I swallowed hard, fighting the urge to jerk him up and find out what was going on.

"What is it?" I asked softly.

"Ali.....just remember..no matter what i say when i get like this .. I love you. Ok? I dont say it enough but i do. You're always there for me " i stood there...replaying his words, my heart hammering in my chest as he suddenly bent further down, face almost touching the floor and grabbing his head. I ran out of the door and shut it, my hand lingering as i wispered "i love you too......"

I sat looking at my phone, trying to distract myself. It buzzed with a new message. It was from my cousin Jennifer.

J: Hey cousin. What're you up to??"

Me: Nothing. Over at the apartment Jack's renting while hes in LA. You

J:Nm. Ooooooo Jack huh? You ever admit to yourself, or him, what a major crush you have on him? Or still in denial?

Me:Jen! No. And im never telling him that! Its fuckin weird. He's my best friend and thats it

J: whatever. You know, you just need to grab him by the shirt and lay one on him. I bet yall would be down and dirty in two seconds

Me: omfg Jen. Im done with you lmfao. Jesus. Dirty ass mind

J: Yeah. Like you haven't daydreamed about him saying your name in that cute little accent in the bedroom. But seriously....say something. Youll never know till you do

Me: yeah ok. Thanks Dr Phil.

I put my phone down, laughing at her. Then looked up when i heard the game room door open. Jack stepped out, looking as though hed been through a war.

"Jack!" I just up and hurried to him. Wrapping an arm around his waist i led him to the couch. "Sit your ass down. And tell me whats going on" i demanded as we sat on the couch.

He looked at me, his blue eyes searching mine. "Alison. There are some things i never want you to deal with....and that is one of them" i reached my hand out, cupping his face. "Jack. Youre my best friend. And i swear to you Im here. No matter whats going on...ok?" He nodded and closed his eyes, leaning his head to the side trapping my hand to his shoulder.

He suddenly looked up. Almost....frightened.

"Jack?" I said quietly. He turned toward me.... Everything became very still, his head twitched to the side. "Damnit" he whispered, standing quickly. This time i followed him as he walked away.

"Oh no. We aint doing this shit again. What the hell is happening" i demanded. He suddenly stopped at the closed bedroom door and i ran into his back

Jack....c'mon. This isnt funny." I said, angry and little bit terrified

He began to laugh but....it was off. It sounded....higher pitched and crackling. Suddenly he shook his head "No! Leave her alone!!!" He shouted, smacking the side of his head.

"Jack! What the hell!?" His head twitched side to side. I stepped back, the hair on my arms standing up. Something is wrong here. I reached out slowly, touching his shoulder and in a whisper choked out "Ja--Jack?"

Suddenly i was being twisted and thrown backwards against the wall, his hand at my throat, head hanging to his chest. "Jack!" I screamed. "WHAT ARE YOU----"

My words died in my throat as he raised his head, his beautiful blue eyes had been replaced by emotionless black. His head cocked to the side as he grinned evily at me.. Teeth seeming longer

"Alison" the thing purred "Dont you know when someone says to leave them alone. .you should? You know the saying about the cat and curiosity dont you kitten?" All color drained from my face

"An--anti? What. How?" I stammered. Not believing this" he got rid of you....you were gone!

The demon threw his head back and laughed. "Oh Ali....you think this...weakling could kill ME? You think id be defeated by your BOY?" He spit out mockingly, his grasp tightening on my throat. "Jack and i. We are the same person. Without me, theres no him" he giggled that insane laugh again. Id only ever heard it in videos....it was so much worse in real life

"Anti. Hes NOTHING like you. Hes pure good. Strong, smart and successful. Youre just a glitched out bitch that has become a joke. Your angry turtle voice isnt going to scare me. Show me something worthwhile or get the hell out!"

His gaze locked onto mine, it felt as though he was staring deep into my soul.....then he smiled, the grin sinister.

He leaned right into my face, waving the knife that was in his other hand and running it gingerly down my arm. "Should i leave a few more scars? Im a bit more well learned in this than Brandon was though Princess.....i bet my scars will run deeper..maybe ill let Jack watch as i cut you.. I think hed enjoy it" he growled. I stiffened at his words.

"Anti. Youre nothing like him. Youre not even HALF the man Jack is' i spit out, pissed off and scared. He studied me for a moment and leaned over into my ear. His breath hot on my neck

"You think hes just so perfect? Such a good boy?" He purred into my ear "i just want to cut you....to make you feel pain. Him? He wants you to enjoy it when he hurts you" his knife traced my side as he spoke. " They say Im from hell and some of the things in his head when hes around you almost make me blush" the words came out half amused and half disgusted. He leaned back and laughed, the sound twisted and distorted. "Hes a pussy. Cant even do anything about this.....he couldnt even save you from Brandon...and he reallllly wanted to let me loose that day. Had him against the wall and everything" The glitch laughed darkly

"And now. He gets to watch while i kill you.....i might even let him back to reality after so he can feel your blood on his hands" Antisepticeye giggled again.

"Jack! I need you to wake up.....i need you to fight this! Please!" I pleaded, searching for any sign of him in the abyss that his eyes had become. "Jack!!!" I raised my hand and slapped him almost instinctively.

All of a sudden he fell to his knees. Clutching his head. "Aghhhhh!!!" His yell ripped from his throat, the sound of torture.

"Jack. Fight him! Please!!!! " i dropped to my knees in front of him and grabbed his face in ny hands. When i forced him to look at me his right eye shown that beautiful blue color...the other still black. "Jack. Come on. Please. You can do this. Please come back! I didnt tell you i love you too!! You have to come back so i can tell you!!"

I began to sob as he fell to the floor, jerking and holding his head, cries of pain eminating from deep within.

And suddenly.....he was still.

I reached for him, still on my knees. "Jack?" I said softly as i touched him. I rolled him over. His eyes were closed and he was too still for a long moment

Then he coughed. I sank to the side, butt hitting the ground and sighed. He half sat up and looked at me. Both eyes the most beautiful shade of blue id ever seen

We stood up and after a moment he looked at me. "Alison....oh my God. Your neck..." I looked at him "My neck?! Thats what youre going to comment on??!?" I half yelled incredulously. "Really?! Not the fact that Anti has been screwing with you??? You didnt think we needed to know?!"

Jack stepped closer to me, fingers trailing my throat....tracing the sore spots left by anti's hand. "Im so sorry....i didnt mean to...i.... Oh God whats happening to me?! He cried out.

I stepped forward and buried my face in his chest hugging him tightly. Both of us crying.

"Jack.....i almost lost you." I whispered.

"He almost killed you Alison......that asshole almost......and i couldnt stop him! How fuckin useless am i? He cried out

I stepped back and looked at him and then held him tightly. "Jack. You didnt do anything wrong " i said

"It was MY hand around your throat Ali!!!" He yelled as he pushed away. "Dont you get it? I stay so far away so i dont end up hurting anyone." He turned his back to me, wiping his face and walked to the bedroom.

I followed him and sat beside him on his bed. Silence stretched out. Neither of us knowing what to say. Then he spoke "I cant believe i threw you into a wall and choked you..."

I laughed and before my brain could filter my words i said "Oh cmon....it wasnt that bad. I mean, if not for the whole Anti posessing you thing it wouldve been kinda hot!".... Then realizing what i said i fell backwards and just laughed, soon he was laughing his ass off right next to me. "What the ACTUAL FUCK Alison!!???" He sputtered, the fuck sounding more like FOOK in his accent, as he laughed more. "I dont fuckin know. I was almost choked out by a demon glitch Jack!" I shot back through my laughs.

Soon the laughter died and i sat up. Taking a deep breath...Suddenly he grabbed my hand and said softly.. "Did you mean it?"

I looked at him. "Did i mean what?" I asked. He looked down at the floor and then spoke as he raised his gaze to meet mine "When you said you loved me......did you mean it?

I stared at the ground a long while...then stood up fidgeting with my hands and i walked back across the room, putting my back to him as i spoke

"I-i....mean..." I sighed hard and just let the words out "Yeah. Ive always meant it when i said it Jack.... For the last three years." I heard him stand and walk up behind me. "Well alison....you couldve said something." He said softly

I laughed and turned to face him "Yeah. Let me just tell my best friend that somewhere along the way i fell for him. Let me open myself up to THAT rejection. Ha! No. Thanks im good with that." He studied my face intently, then reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear and cupping my chin

"What kinda of an idiot would reject you?" He asked softly and then said "well....ok im an idiot for not noticing.....but not that big of an idiot. I have my limits you know..' and with that leaned his face down and pressed his lips to mine. The world stopped for a minute, and then i wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back as he pulled me against him.

When he pulled back we were both breathless "Jack....." I said and then stopped. Not knowing what to say so i leaned against his chest. Wrapping my arms under his to hold him. His hands trailed up and down my back as we stood there, completely comfortable in our slience.

He sharted shaking and laughing again out of no where. I stepped back and he shook his head "Sorry. Sorry. Just what you said earlier... I cant believe that came outta your mouth!"

Putting my hands on my hips i glared at him playfully "you just haaad to go a ruin a great moment didnt ya!" Then i started laughing too.

He put his hands on my shoulders "Ali...hon. Im sorry its just hilarious hearing you say that! Dirty minded much?" Then he stopped and very slowly stepped closer and closer to me until my back hit the wall softly and he stared me down with a serious look.

"J-Jack?? Very funny. Ha ha. Stop it"

He smiled. His blue eyes twinkling. "What? I just wanted you to have a better memory of being backed into a wall by me is all" his hand softly pressed to my throat as his mouth captured mine again, more urgent this time, pressing his body to mine. Softly but in control of my every move.

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asupernaturalgirl · 7 years ago

Text

Pizza and Kidnapping

Request: Hey, I love your imagines! Do you write for criminal minds? If so could you do a Hotch x Reader where she's Jack's Babysitter and they both have feelings for eachother but he doesnt realise until she gets kidnapped by an unsub and saves her and there's declarations of love etc please? Thank you! X

A/N: Hello everyone! Something a little different for you! I hope you like it and all of the Hotch feels!

Warnings: kidnapping, mentions of injuries, angst, wine?

...

“Jack, you’ve got to get to bed tonight,” You say, picking up the quickly growing boy who refused to go to bed. “I promise I will wake you when your dad arrives home.”

“Please, I want to stay up and watch TV with you,” You look at him with doubtful eyes and boop is nose.

“I wish you could buddy,” You give him a frown. “You’ve got school tomorrow though and your dad would not be happy with me if I allowed you to stay up that late.”

He nods slowly and you take him up the stairs of the large house. You enter the young child’s bedroom and set him down on his own bed. “Goodnight, Jack,” You say, brushing back his hair a bit. “Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

Quietly, you walk down the stairs and sit on the couch, picking up a book on the coffee table and beginning it. Around an hour later, you hear a car door shut and Aaron walks in a few moments later.

“Hey, Y/N,” He says, setting his briefcase down by the door. His eyes are dark and tired. “How did everything go?”

“Great,” You say, smiling and putting the book back as you stand up. “He put up a bit of fight going to bed. I reckon he was excited to see you after three days of being gone. A bit sick of me, I suppose.”

Aaron shot you a look and shook his head slightly. “I think it was probably the other way around. He doesn’t want you to leave, I’m sure,” He smiles a little. “He love you - we both do.”

You smile slightly. “Well, I better get home. I’ve got a cat waiting for me.”

“Hold on,” He protests, holding up his hand. “I haven’t eaten anything other than donuts and coffee for the past few days. I was thinking about ordering some pizza if you’d like to stay.”

Your heart flutters in your chest. As hopeful as you were, this sounded like a semi-date to you. You didn’t want to get your hopes up though, Aaron Hotchner was much too good for you. “Isn’t it a little too late for pizza?”

He smiles a little and shakes his head. “We are adults, aren’t we? Aren’t we allowed to enjoy an evening with pizza.”

You nod your head and chuckle slightly. “I’ll have to agree with you on that one.”

“C’mon,” He takes off his tie and motions for you to follow him to the kitchen. “Order it on the computer and I’ll bring out some wine.”

You sat on the stool and turned on the laptop, typing in the website of your favorite pizza place and look at the specials. A few moments later, Aaron comes out of the garage with a bottle of wine and two glasses. You submit the order and take the glass of red wine he pours of you. “Thank you.”

He nods and takes a seat next to you as you both take a sip. It was better wine than you could afford in a while. “Where did you go for this last case?”

“Boston,” He muttered, taking a large sip of the wine. You could tell how stressed and upset he was. “It was a bad one?” You questioned, hoping you weren’t taking things too far by asking him these questions.

“It’s always hard when they’re preying on helpless people. Girls coming home drunk from bars were the victims most of the time.” He says, shaking his head in disbelief. “Be careful out there, Y/N. Always look out.”

“I know,” You say quietly, looking down. “You told me before.”

Aaron always told you to be careful, not to do anything reckless. He said he had seen to much of how those mistakes can bite you in the butt. You appreciated it, but couldn’t help but wonder if he warned you for another reason.

As you sit in silence for a few moments, the doorbell rings and you walk to get the pizza. Aaron hands him the money and you set the box on the coffee table in the living room. “I’ve been waiting to watch some TV since three days ago.” He says, sitting on the couch and grabbing a slice, turning it one.

“Sounds good to me,” You say, sitting next to him and taking a slice of your own. You both decide on The Tonight Show because it was the only thing on at the moment. After finishing the episode, I look at the clock on the wall and realize it’s 1 in the morning. “Jesus christ.”

You stand up and Aaron does too. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to keep you for so long.”

“It’s fine,” You shake your head and grab your bag from the door. “I’ve just got to get home.”

He nods and walks to the door, opening it for you. “Aaron,” You say as you stand on the front porch. “Get some sleep.”

He nods, understanding that you could tell how tired he was. He smiles at you. “Be careful.”

“I’ll see you at nine tomorrow,” You say as you make your way to your car in the driveway.

…

It is freezing the next morning as you bundle up in your large jacket and run out to your hair, steam rising from your mouth. You car blinks its lights as you unlock it. You had to be at Aaron and Jack’s house in ten minutes. Because you stayed out so late the night before, it was hard to pull yourself out of bed this morning, but Aaron had to go to work like a regular person, even though he was just gone for three days, which means you have to go to work.

You open your car door and throw your heavy bag in the passenger seat, putting the key into the ignition. Just as you’re about to turn the key, there’s a chilling voice behind you, sending even more chill bumps up your cold body.

“Turn the key and drive and don’t scream,” A man’s voice says who you don’t recognize. You curse yourself as you remember the stupid mistake of forgetting to even lock your car. All your limbs feel as though they’re ice and can’t move. You remember the mace spray Aaron had given you in your glove compartment, but it was too far away. You could feel the barrel of the gun against the back of your head.

“Please don’t hurt me,” You beg, holding your hands up.

“Drive, b****,” He screams in your ear. This makes you jump into action and you turn the key quickly, a sob coming from your mouth. Thoughts off all those women Aaron and his team had seen, unable to save burned in your mind. ‘It could happen to anyone,’ his voice burned in your mind, warning you to be careful. ‘Always look in the back of your car.’

You drive down the street, the barrel of the gun still on your head. He instructs you to pull over in a heavily wooded area. Normally, this is something you would protest, but the thought of the bullet going through your head made you act as he said.

“Get out and put your hands up,” He whispers, and you do as he says. As you get out of the car, you quickly through your hands up. He follows, the gun that wasn’t on your head anymore, you still knew was there, pointing at you. “Open the trunk and get in.”

Your heart thumps loudly in your chest as you open the trunk and walk over, signing your death certificate by getting in. Everything you were doing was so wrong, but you were so scared of what could happen if you didn’t do as he said. “Please find me, Aaron,” You whisper as the trunk closes loudly, leaving you in complete darkness.

…

Aaron Hotchner wrings his hands nervously as he looks out the window again, waiting for your car to pull up. You were never late, but he had to get to work. He couldn’t help but be a little angry that you could be so irresponsible as not to show up and not text him before. Jack runs around the house, bookbag on. Sighing, Aaron picks up his phone and calls his sister-in-law, Jessica.

“Hey, Jessica,” He says as she answers. “I hope your not busy. Is there anyway you could get here and watch Jack for me. Y/N didn’t show up.”

Jessica was always willing to help and was at the house in a matter of minutes, Jack throwing his arms around her. “Hey, Jacky,” She smiles, giving him eskimo kisses. “There’s a note on the porch, Aaron.”

Aaron gets ready to leave and grabs his briefcase. “Thanks, it’s probably a pizza menu,” He walks out the front door and grabs the envelope. Written on the front in messy writing, it says ‘Aaron Hotchner.’ He opens it quickly and his heart stops immediately. A picture of your house and the next is an image of your unconscious body in a trunk.

His heart clenches in his chest, making him feel dizzy. As quickly as he can, he shouts in the house that there’s an emergency and he had to be at work quickly. His hands are shaky as he turns the key in the ignition and makes his way to the FBI Headquarters.

As soon as he’s on the BAU floor, he shouts to meet in the meeting room and is there himself in a matter of seconds, writing down anything he can about Y/N. Rossi, Emily, Derek, Spencer, and JJ are in the room within the next few minutes and sit down. “Jack’s baby sitter was kidnapped. I got this this morning,” He throws down the envelope and the process starts, brainstorming who could have taken you.

…

Derek and Aaron take one SUV, speeding down the road as Aaron puts out the profile for the kidnapper. “We’re looking for a middle-aged, white male. He has a vengeance on me, for taking his brother. The address we are going to is 301 Buck Drive.”

They knew they had him. A man named David Myers had taken you, and Hotch couldn’t help but feel responsible. He could have protected you, could have warned you that this might happen. They’re driving down a long, dirt driveway and as soon as Derek pulled the car into park in front of the run down house, Hotch was out, ready to do anything he could to save you.

“Break down the door, Derek,” Aaron Hotchner instructed and of course, Derek did as he said. Pieces of wood went flying as Derek kicked the door in, screaming “FBI!”

The man who Aaron had described to police emerged from a room in the house, arm around your neck as he put a gun to your head. “I’ll kill her!”

Aaron’s heart wrenches in his chest as he looks at your pale body. Three days had gone by and you had obviously faced a lot of stress. Bruises lined your arms and your eyes were red from crying. You were crying now, your eyes set on Aaron as he looked at you. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” You yell out, trying to reason with everyone. “It’s fine. Nobody has to get hurt.”

“Shut up, b****,” He screams out and you let out a sob, your legs going weak as you squeeze your eyes shut.

Aaron holds his gun up, aimed straight at David’s head, his jaw set and angry. “Let her go, now.” He says firmly, his voice low.

The man smiles. “You’re stuck, Hotchner. You’re not getting out of this.”

As he says this, you raise your eyebrows, trying to get his attention. He looks at you and you try to tell him with your eyes that you have a plan. He catches on and you get ready, biting David’s arm as hard as you possibly could. Blood reaches your mouth and you rip, spitting out the blood and skin you had pulled off. Nothing could have made you feel any worse than you did then as you vomited on the floor.

“Get on the ground! Get on the f***ing ground,” Derek screams as he tackles David to the floor, sitting on top of him and wrenching his arms around so that he can put him in cuffs. Sirens can be heard outside the house and police officers surround the house, running in to help with the arrest. As they pull him out roughly, Aaron runs to you, bringing you in for a hug.

“Are you alright,” He questions as he looks over you for any serious injuries. As he sees you sobbing, he brings you in for a hug. EMTs come in and request to look over her. As much as Aaron would like to sit here with you, he backs up a bit, but still stays for comfort. They soon load her into the ambulance and Aaron follows in behind as they shut the doors.

“Y/N,” He says as he grabs your hand. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” You say hoarsely, tears in your eyes. “I’m fine, Aaron. I’m fine.”

Aaron pauses for a moment before small tears flood his own eyes. “I love you, Y/N. I love you.”

As he says this, you pull him down and kiss him softly on the lips, pulling back and stroking the side of his face. “I love you too, Aaron. I’m okay.”

#Criminal Minds #criminal minds one shots #criminal minds imagines #reid #spencer reid #Penelope garcia #aaron hotchner #hotch x reader #hotch #aaron x reader #jj #derek morgan #Emily Prentiss #rossi

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