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uwurakax · 4 years

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boy, i hate you ♡

pairing: akaashi x reader ♡

genre: angst // cheating // suggestive (not explicit) ♡

summary: you swore to yourself that you’d never stay with a cheater, so why was it so hard to let go? ♡

♡ the sequel “boy, i need you” - read the second part here ♡

word count: 1.9k ♡

author’s note: ok this has been in my mind for ages now and i need this to go into the universe. i haven’t written in years so i am crappy rusty as hell (pls be kind ty). i don’t normally write but i had to. i also believe theres no gender mentioned? (it’s like 4am and i’ve had zero sleep so pls), but i suppose it leans to f!reader. i’ll regret uploading this later haha 🤟😭 also hasn’t been proofread and i wrote this at like 1am (excuses for my terrible writing yup, don’t judge me haha) ♡

♡ (inspired by f.u by little mix) ♡

infidelity

/ɪnfɪˈdɛlɪti/

noun

1. the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or partner

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, with your eyes red and wet was not an uncommon occurrence. You supposed at one point, it was, but those days felt like a distant dream. You had cried so much, it was a wonder you could keep up the waterworks. Your eyes were swollen, bloodshot and dry. The moisture had left them and were spilled, half dry, on your cheeks.

It was pathetic. So pathetic how you could keep putting yourself through this. Day after day, breakdown after breakdown, you didn’t know how much more you could take. You quickly wiped away any more stray tears with the sleeve of the hoodie you were wearing. His hoodie.

You wondered how much liquid had been soaked up by his clothes. An ironic display of him comforting you indirectly when he was the one who caused those tears to spill in the first place.

You took a deep inhale and leaned over the porcelain countertop. It felt wrong. It felt awkward. It felt..dirty. You gripped the sides of the counter. You couldn’t pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong, it was just like it happened. Or maybe it didn’t, and it was there long before you had taken notice of the signs.

All you knew was that suddenly, he wasn’t yours anymore. The home you shared with him wasn’t yours. Hell, even this goddamn pristine white bathroom wasn’t yours. For the past year or so, it was slowly losing the essence of you and him, and somehow converged into a you, him and her. You wondered if it just lost your sense entirely and had become his and hers - you being just a warm body that filled the cold space when he was gone, whether that be at work or when he had to take a ‘trip’.

You were so sick of it. All the insecurity of when it started, why weren’t you enough, how’d it happen, and all those basic questions associated with a partner cheating were bubbling up inside of you.

You wanted to push all the blame on him. You wanted to hate him, despise him for reducing you to the pathetic crying mess you were now, but you couldn’t. You knew, deep down inside, at some point it stopped being entirely his fault and that it shifted to you as well. Was it a week after you found out? A month? 3 months? 6 months? A year? Did it even matter anymore? You knew you had to stop this. You had to break it off with Akaashi. His unfaithfulness hurt you in a way that you couldn’t possibly imagine. You couldn’t keep living with the fact that he’d come home into your arms, holding you in the same way that he had just held somebody else. Somebody not you. Somebody who wasn’t his girlfriend. Geez, just how many times were you going to repeat that to yourself? You’d lost count on how many speeches and psych up’s that frequented your mind.

This will be the last time.

A silent promise to yourself, that this would be the end. That you’d finally pick yourself up, and gain some self confidence to just rip off that bandaid. No matter how much you loved him, no matter how long you had loved him, you had to do this for your sake. With a firm nod, you braced yourself, ready to finally free yourself from the love that was Akaashi Keiji.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

It had been a few hours since your breakdown in the bathroom happened. You were anticipating Akaashi’s arrival for the past hour or so. You knew exactly why he was late, it didn’t take a genius to know that he was with her. You wished that just for tonight, he wouldn’t. The suspense was suffocating. You just wanted to get this over and done with.

Not even the soft material of the pillows on the lounge you sat on calmed you. You absentmindedly ran your fingers through the plush texture, hoping to quell the dread and unease steadily rising with each passing moment that Akaashi didn’t enter through the front door. After what felt like forever, you finally heard his car coming into the driveway, the headlights peeking through the blinds. You closed your eyes and took in a deep breath. It did little to slow your racing heartbeat. You got up to greet him when the jingle of his keys echoed through the silent space that was ‘your home’, as he had put it the first time you entered into the building. Thats all it was to you now. A mix of brick and cement that no longer held the warmth that it once had, or perhaps it still did. Maybe that radiating glow just wasn’t for you anymore.

“Keiji..”

“Hello my love” he was quick, or you were just too slow. Either way, his arms had found their way around you, pulling you close into his body. You couldn’t deny that your own craved his, fitting just a little too well, like jigsaw puzzle pieces. At one point it was relieving. At one point it would have brought you immense comfort.

At one point it would have felt right.

However at this moment in time, it didn’t. Maybe for a split second, you could’ve deluded yourself into thinking he was only yours, and you were only his. That sense of peace was gone in an instant when you smelt the pungent perfume of her on him. It clung to him desperately, and would soon dissipate throughout the house. The sickly sweet floral smell invading whatever little nook and cranny it could. Pushing out the fresh air.

Pushing out you.

It just further pressed the need to end things with him. Neither of you were happy in your relationship now.

For your sake and for his, you needed to do this quickly.

You pulled away from him, hands on his chest. You had to force yourself to look at his face. It was time, you needed that bandaid off now. But when you searched his profile, you couldn’t see any other emotion but pure admiration.

Pure love.

Your breath hitched. Though it was when his hands made their way up to cup your cheeks that your body lost all rationality. Your heart now pumping quickly and loudly for a completely different reason. He slowly leaned in close and you instinctively closed your eyes. Soon enough, his lips were against yours. Soft you thought to yourself, but you could taste it. The underlying taste of something sweet. It was artificial, and definitely not Akaashi.

God it hurt. It hurt, unbelievably so.

His hands moved down and rested on your hips, fingers digging in ever so slightly. You both parted from each other, and this time, you decided to look into his eyes.

Gunmetal Blue.

It perfectly matched his beautiful face, and you knew you could get lost just staring into them. It honestly wasn’t fair how easily everything about him could just draw you in.

But you hated how he looked at you now. Like you held the stars in his sky. Like you were the most important person to him. It could almost make you sick, the gaze he had on you. How could he look at you like this? How could he touch you like that? How could he kiss you with such furore when he was just with somebody else, doing the exact same things that he was doing to you?

It just hurt. You never even got a chance to voice your thoughts on his infidelity, on the other woman, on anything. Because soon enough you found yourself led into the bedroom. Had he made love with that woman on the very bed you shared with him? There’s no way you could fool yourself into thinking that that space was sacred anymore. The sheets, the pillows, the mattress. All of it had been tainted. Much like everything else on this house. Contaminated with her touch when you were away and he had to stay home. Everywhere. Every surface, every room, hell every inch just had a lingering scent of her.

Disgusting. Filthy. Soiled.

All those thoughts were washed away when Akaashi pulled you into the bed. Clothes now discarded haphazardly on the floor, easily forgotten. He gently brushed stray hairs away from your face and just observed you for a moment. He watched you with a smile, and you could reminisce back on your high school days. How was it that Akaashi Keiji, the sweet, shy and most amazing guy was doing something so horrible behind your back? You couldn’t understand. He was such a gentleman, so respectful and kind. So how? How could he do it so easily.

He pulled you in, lips connecting once again. You knew it was wrong. To fall back into him would just lead you back into the spiral of pain and heartbreak. And yet, here you were, doing that exact thing.

Because when he looked at you in that regard, when he touched you in the way that set your body ablaze, when he kissed you with such emotion and love, you could pretend that, just for a short period of time, that it was all just for you and only you. You could forget about the other woman. Could forget about all the thoughts of all the things he’d do with her. Forget the marks that he left on her, the same way he did you.

You’d think of the consequences later, like you always did, because during these moments was when your heart didn’t ache so much, and you didn’t need to be left with your own intrusive thoughts. Here, like this, right now, you could just be two people together. Pretend that he did love you unconditionally.

Pretend that everything was okay.

You knew tomorrow you’d regret it. Wake up in his arms and sob about how much of a coward you were to walk away.

This will be the last time.

How many times had you repeated that phrase only to continue this toxic cycle? It wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. You hated Akaashi, but you hated yourself more, because you knew that you’d always lose yourself to him. Like a puppet master with the strings, you were pushed and pulled to his desire.

You now lay in bed, with the covers over you both, and his hand rubbing a soothing trail up and down your arm. You wondered if this would’ve been a good time to do it. To cut your loses and go.

But..

Akaashi scooted over towards you, his hand now finding its way behind your head. His own now angled to press a delicate kiss on your forehead. You shut your eyes, willing the tears to not show.

“I love you”

..you could never do it.

With a small, sad smile (hoping that the darkness of the night shielded the pain from him), you whispered the words that contradicted everything you had been feeling.

“I love you too”

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. You knew tomorrow you’d go through the same process. You knew you’d feel the same anger, frustration and ache. Knew that you’d put on one of his shirts or hoodies on for any sense of comfort. Knew that you’d cry and get lost in your thoughts. Knew that you’d swear that this was the last time this would ever happen.

And deep down, you knew that you’d never really do it, because you’d fall right back into loving Akaashi Keiji again, just like all those times before.

#haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #akaashi x reader #akaashi oneshot #akaashi x you #akaashi angst #haikyuu angst

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actualbird · 2 years

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hi hi!!! for the ask game, would you mind answering numbers 9, 26, and/or 32 please?

have a nice day dude!!!! :D

EYYO SAAMMMM :DDDDD. yess i would love to answer all of these, i am eating the numbers as we speak (....as we...type?)

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

i do!!!! i dont think it's obvious from like, how i am online, but im a hugely superstitious person. it comes from the family upbringing and also a lot of experiences ive had in my life. cw death talk incoming, but 2 loved ones of mine have died in this house, and idk. im sure theyre still here. and not in a scary way, they just Live Here, like how i live here, it's their house too!! i wont b able to explain how i Know without sounding much more silly to many ppl, but yes, i do believe in ghosts!

and theyre nice!!! so long as u arent a dickbag to them, that is. they just want a place to chill.

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

i get into it like this

DEADASS. LIKE, WHILE IT’S MEME-Y THIS IS MY METHOD

i.e., i have to find something that i can relate to with the character to be able to write them

like, it doesnt have to be the entire character’s personality, thats impossible. it can just be one (1) thing that i personally resonate with. and like....thats the window on how i get in and begin to understand everything else. like, lemme take two current blorbos i love, one thats easiest for me to write and one thats the hardest: luke and vyn

luke has so many windows. all of them are open, the front door is unlocked, hell, theres a hole in the roof. getting into his head-house is supremely easy for me since i relate to a lot of his personality/thought processes.

for vyn, it felt like breaking in like in a heist movie JHVKJHVSKFJHAS. i could not get in there for a While until i saw a singular air vent labeled “DESIRE TO HAVE AND KEEP KNOWLEDGE, AS KNOWLEDGE BECOMES A FULCRUM WHERE HE CAN LEVERAGE HIMSELF INTO A SAFER VANTAGE POINT” and i was like bINGOOOOOOOO!! related very much to that. and with that as the square 1, i was able to see everything else and understand the rest

as to How i find the opening, thats where all my ridiculous analyses come in. i need to pour over the stories and whats there already and find entrance points. like, character rambles is basically me trying to make the heist map.

i think this metaphor is getting out of hand but yeA.

and it’s p easy for me to get out cuz all the characters i write are very much Not Me so i just scuttle out of the head-house again. never rlly regretted any time i had to put on a character hat, like. even if it’s an evil-fucked-up character, it’s a learning experience both in writing and and thinking

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

poem line:

“Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us. These, our bodies, possessed by light. Tell me we’ll never get used to it.”

from Scheherazade by Richard Siken. first read it in a writing workshop in 2015. this was the first time i actually read poetry (i was a fiction bitch thru and thru) and i was like oh FUCK okay. i see now the beauty in this form

novel line:

“He was determined to discover the underlying logic behind the universe. Which was going to be hard, because there wasn't one.”

from Mort by Terry Pratchett. first read in 2016, i was just going thru my older brother’s books (and inadvertently starting my love for pratchett’s writing //chef’s kiss!!!). it’s just such a simple and wonderful line. resonates a lot w me cuz im very much a “WHAT IS THE ANSWER, WHAT IS THE SOLUTION TO THE RIDDLE” about everything but Not Everything has that. life gets a bit mucky trying to solve things that cant be solved

aaaaand fanfic line:

“There are the nights when no one dreams, or dreams are small and life-sized--broken strings and shipwrecked boats, dishabille, or seagulls. There are the nights when Newt can sleep, the dawns he doesn't see. Of those, there are not many. But there are some.”

from Designations Congruent with Things by cleanwhiteroom. this is a pacific rim fanfic that ran from 2013-2014 (no longer on ao3 but archived in many places by ppl who loved it) and it became a cult classic within the fandom for good reason. it is one of the most phenomenal things ive ever read in my life, across the span of All kinds of written work. this fanfic REWIRED MY BRAIN AT 13 YEARS OLD.

and i still reread it every other year and im frigging blown away every time. these lines in particular just.....they Stayed In My Head. in the aftermath of complicated trauma, thats the situation. it’s written so simply and strikes so hard, it’s so forlorn yet hopeful as well. there are not many. but there are some... THAT MADE ME INSANE AND I HAVE NEVER RECOVERED.

WHEW, I TALK TOO MUCH thank u sm for the ask and giving me the opportunity to ramble, sammmm <3!!!!!

#ask meme #//proudly wearing a badge that says ''i broke into vyn's house thru an air vent''#asks #samsspambox

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perriwinklesblog · 3 years

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I feel a lot of people missed certain parts of the Tubbo and Quackity argument because theres a lot of “Tubbo was being aggressive” and “Tubbo refused to even compromise” going around.

So we’re going to go through many of the questions people have with the whole argument.

(It should be noted, it’s very clear that I am current on summer hols from uni as I put too much time into this long ass post. You don’t need to read it, this is very self-indulgent. I am bored so I analysed.)

Here are the questions covered;

This Land is My Land, This Land is Your Land: Does Tubbo have the right to build there?

I See You For What You Truly Are, which is UGLY: Is Quackity in the right asking Tubbo to tear down his structure due to how it looks?

Cookie Outpost: Threat or Passive Player?

That’s Not Fair: Why wouldn’t Tubbo try and compromise?

You Started It So I’m Finishing It: Why did Tubbo instigate and threaten violence?

Conclusion: The World Is Wide Enough.

1. This Land is My Land, This Land is Your Land: Does Tubbo have the right to build there?

Short answer. Yes.

Many people are putting real-world logic into this RP world, and whilst in the real world, Tubbo wouldn't be in the right here. However, what Tubbo has done in this RP world is perfectly acceptable, even if it is annoying.

The rules of this world are different to that of our own.

We must accept this. Regardless of whether you find similar situations that mirror real-world events, the Dream SMP (DSMP) has different unspoken and spoken rules than our own.

With that in mind, looking at the planning of structures and claiming land, it is very different from what we would typically see in the real world. There is no local government with a planning committee to go to for structures you want to build. You do not need to get approval to build structures. If there is a free space with no claim to it, you can create what you like. (Within reason, as long as it's not offensive, minus a penis as it is clear that the majority of this world do not find the phallic symbol to be offensive)

Whilst there have been retail estate agents on the DSMP who sell land to others, they first had to mark and claim the land to prevent someone just building on it. Marking the land with either fenceposts or a sign or outlining it with blocks is usual to claim something on the DSMP. Another way to claim land you wish to build upon, is to tell people and/or your chat so that when someone else comes across the land and starts to build, they then warn that the land has been claimed. Making it is the safest option to go with as many streamers know that chats can, and will often, lie. So without markers, it is assumed that the land is free and therefore up for grabs to build on. First come, first served.

This is what Quackity had done with Las Nevadas. We've seen people come across Las Nevadas before structures were built. Quackity had marked out areas for each building and signed it, showing those who had come across that the land they were walking on was claimed and could not be built upon. However, Quackity did not claim outwith that area, which is why it was so easy for Wilbur to find a place so close to Las Nevadas. Wilbur could claim his rival city out of pettiness much easier as there were no clear cut borders. Quackity did not outline the areas in which he wanted to expand, and therefore it was free land. He hadn't staked a claim on it. Quackity had thought it out but had not staked an actual claim.

Now, you could argue that was his plan and that he hadn't had time to outline where he wished to expand next. But that's not how the server works. When it comes to land, it is a first-come, first-serve scenario. Unless you take proactive measures to protect the land you have plans for, someone else can and will build there.

Quackity had not said to anyone canonically before Tubbo's Outpost that he was expanding there. He hadn't made the boundaries clear of the land he wished to stake a claim on, and therefore it stayed as free land.

So whilst what's happened to Quackity with plans of expansion stalling, this wouldn't have been an issue if he had been more apparent with boundaries. But, annoyingly for him, the perimeters of the DSMP, Tubbo has every right to build there as it was still free land.

Now, this brings us onto the building itself,

2. I See You For What You Truly Are, Which Is UGLY: Is Quackity in the right asking Tubbo to tear down his structure due to how it looks?

Short answer, no.

Again this comes back to the DSMP rules being different to real-world ones.

Now in many parts of the world, there are systems and hurdles you have to go through to get planning permission for a structure you wish to build, even if you own the land it will be on. You have to get the architectural plan approved by a committee a lot of the time. Neighbours often are allowed to object to structures or whole communities being allowed to at least say their grievances before the committee passes on the plan. Sometimes the committee will agree with the project even if there are grievances. Everywhere is slightly different, but there are systems in place for these discussions at the end of the day.

But not in the DSMP.

People can build whatever structure they want, no matter how ugly, as long as it is on their land or free land. So if they claim a bit of land and go, "I want to build an ugly thing", then they are allowed, even if it ruins the look of the thing next to them.

Is it rude? Yes. But does that mean they're not allowed? No.

Tubbo's structure is imposing for Quackity mainly because of the walls. He wasn't happy with the design when he first saw it before this wall, but the wall pointing directly at his nation was too much for him. Quackity finds them imposing and threatening, but it was technically on free land, so Tubbo can build them. Quackity does not have a right in the rules of the DSMP to have Tubbo tear down his walls due to how he perceives them. Although emotionally, it'd be great to see those walls come down in all parties.

He can issue with them and grumble but technically, within the unspoken rules of the DSMP, Tubbo's allowed to have them there.

Is it a bit rude of Tubbo to not have gone, "Hey, by the way, I'm building these walls around my structure; this is as close as I'm planning on this wall getting to your area, is that fine"? Yes, it was rude. But is he therefore not allowed to do that? No. He's allowed to build what he wants on free land that he has claimed.

So again, whilst aggravating for Quackity, Tubbo is allowed to build those walls.

Now to focus on the incident itself. There are many things, bear with;

3. Cookie Outpost: Threat or Passive Player?

The underlying cause of this argument is more to do with the perception of the building, walls included, than the actual placement.

Quackity could have found ways to move around the Outpost, such as dig a road under a new patch of land, etc. There are solutions to the outpost problem. Technically, Wilbur's only claimed a tiny bit of ground to easily have focused on building around the small building Wilbur made etc. Unlike Tubbo, Wilbur hasn't made his intentions clear where his areas borders are, and therefore, Quackity could use the same logic as Tubbo and the same logic of how land claimant works in the SMP against Wilbur. But instead, he focuses on Tubbo and places more energy in engaging with Tubbo than with Wilbur or Tommy. He views Wilbur and Tommy as more of a nuisance whilst Tubbo poses as a threat. He views Tubbo as a threat well before the actual threat from Tubbo and the proper knowledge of the nukes.

We often forget to take into account that canonically the audience knows more than half the DSMP members.

Philza is the only one who indeed acknowledges and reminds us of this fact. Others dance around or ignore the idea as sometimes they like to use the chat in their role-play to gain knowledge. But whether they've used chat in the past or not, the audience will always know more. So we read up upon and about streams we've missed and watch more perspectives allowing us a greater insight that canonically no one else gets. Unfortunately, the only understanding we have yet to grasp is Dream, which is not relevant to this current scenario.

We have to note what Quackity and Tubbo know and what we know and separate it with this understanding.

From Tubbo's perspective;

Tubbo heard of Las Nevadas, saw many people leaving for Las Nevadas and wanted to investigate. One of his citizens had emigrated to Las Nevadas, so there was a natural curiosity of what they are doing that's attracting everyone. So he initially wanted to create a very secret hiding place to spy on Las Nevadas to see what they were doing, much like what he did with the Egg.

The main objective: to observe.

The last organised group of people on the DSMP was the Eggpire. They were a nuisance for some people and a threat for many others, including Tubbo. So a new nation and a new group would naturally have Tubbo a little wary and very curious. Not to mention that this new nation was an old friend's latest project.

Those who watch Tubbo know that whilst he managed to create a small place to observe the Egg from, Tubbo often makes or desires big builds. Canonically small himself in height but loves a big house. So very quickly, the building itself becomes noticeable and more prominent than intended. Tubbo also likes substantial structured buildings leading to quite a sturdy looking outpost.

The Outpost style fits very much with Snowchester's style and the environment it is in. (As a side, he may not conically say he's a goat hybrid, but he chose a very mountain goat place to settle here). Whilst he continues to build his Outpost, he decides to build walls around it as a defence if anyone tries to sneak in or attack. The walls are reminiscent of the ones he made around Snowchester, again adding to the similarities between the two places he's decided to put roots. And again, it fits very much within the environment he's created. He adds a lava door as another defence but then decorates the courtyard for visitors. The lava door and walls keep people he doesn't want inside out but not to keep everyone out indefinitely. Again, he's establishing what his area is.

Tubbo understands that his area is not very secret, and the main goal is still to observe everything that is happening in Las Nevadas but knows he needs a cover since people are also asking what he's doing. So a cookie shop becomes the cover. A cover he gets quite into with the help of Ranboo. So with that, he needs to expand and make room for a farm and expand further onto the free land available. So the wall which becomes the centre of the argument with Quackity is built. This wall extends towards Las Nevadas but does not cross the river. Where it stops when they are interrupted with the Las Nevadas retaliation was as far as Tubbo was going to build it. The plan from there was to have to go back. The walls had gone from being purely defensive of the outpost building itself to indicating boundaries and what was Tubbo's land and what was still free land.

Tubbo added the bridge to connect his Outpost to Quackity's land to make it easier for both parties to visit each other. Quackity responded by linking it up properly but creating a toll.

When watching Tubbo's perspective and hearing his plans for the Outpost, it comes across as very passive. It was designed to be a place where he could keep up to date with what was happening and see what was going on without directly involving himself. He wanted to observe, and with his militant wired brain, he also needed some defences just in case. An argument often backed by the fact that almost all his builds on the server have been blown up, burnt down, or destroyed somehow. A fact, Quackity knows and feels too.

So for Tubbo, Outpost = Passive Player.

For Quackity's Perspective;

Quackity built Las Nevadas as a place where he can belong without proving it to others or compromising with others. This place is his and his alone where his laws and his rules are the only ones. People have to bend to him. People have to answer to him. He presents it as a safe haven from the chaos and a place to find a home, find family, and be one together. However, it is always on his terms. He will take others ideas and wrap them so they fit his narrative and plan but make it, so the others believe he is listening to them.

A case in point is the whole torture thing with Dream and Sam. He had an idea, he had a plan and then used a narrative Sam bought into, then twisted Sam's thoughts into fitting with his plans. It's a little bit more complicated than that but boiled down to the basics, yeah.

Whilst Quackity is the antagonist in many plot points right now, the heart of it all is centred on having a home, a place where he belongs and doesn't feel the need to constantly fight for it, to feel it threatened by outside sources continually. He just wants somewhere safe... where he can scam people so he can be rich.

With all that in mind, when Wilbur shows up, and their interaction descends into pettiness, it puts him on edge. He knows that Wilbur is stubborn and that Tommy is also determined. So whilst Quackity has the upper hand over them, which is why they're not seen as a threat more of an annoyance, they still started to sow the seeds in Quackity's mind that Las Nevadas was not as safe of a home as he first thought.

Now we could go into all the illogical ideas about Las Nevadas, such as open to all but not, pay a toll to get here, free to live and leave but sign your soul to me, and we welcome everyone but omfg why are you all here leave my home alone. We could go into the tortured soul of Quackity, but the focus is right now on why Tubbo's Outpost and wall created a more extensive argument and reaction than Wilbur and Tommy's blatant threat ever did.

When Quackity first saw and mentioned the Outpost, the walls were not as long; they stayed pretty close to the building itself. However, even when he was told this place might've been a Cookie shop, he didn't fully believe it. His mind immediately went to threat and annoyance. This is probably due to the interaction with Wilbur. His reaction would probably have been the same if anyone had built it there. It is close to his land, and he doesn't know why it's there. When it's mentioned to be Tubbo's property, his worries are not immediately erased; instead, he almost doubles down in the idea that Tubbo is threatening him. He sees the bridge and is even more enraged by it. He builds a toll as a way to deter Tubbo from crossing into his land. Then Quackity, Slime and Fundy go to the Outpost to snoop, finding ordinary building materials along with gunpowder and two totems, leading to Quackity to double down in his fear that Tubbo wants to destroy this happiness he's cultivated. They then grief the place to threaten Tubbo and show Tubbo that they will not stand for threats.

Overall, from Quackity's perspective, Outpost = Threat

But at the end of the day, Quackity's knowledge of the Outpost is that it is a Cookie Shop. That has all that's been shown to him. That is all his character canonically knows, and even though it looks imposing to him, he shouldn't fear a cookie post. To him, Tubbo is a good kid, so why has he jumped and stuck to the narrative that the place is a threat, that the cookie shop will destroy his happiness?

Now Tubbo built the Outpost as a passive observation base. Therefore technically, the Cookie Outpost is passive, but Quackity places the idea that this place is a threat to the minds of Las Nevadas citizens and creates the idea that this building is a threat to their country. Regardless of whether it was a place for the Snowchester leader to spy, it was still a passive building where Tubbo did not want to attack anyone or anything. Spying does not equal threat. So again, Quackity is the one to impose the idea of a threat upon Las Nevadas, not Tubbo.

So now this Outpost exists in two states, and that's where the conflict is arising.

4. That's Not Fair: Why wouldn't Tubbo try and compromise?

Short answer, he did try.

Tubbo tried to compromise. Tubbo could see where Quackity was coming from; he understood and said to Quackity he understood and tried to explain that he wasn't attacking Las Nevadas. Tubbo said that was as close as he was going to get with the walls, but Quackity was the one who ignored him and didn't believe him.

Whilst the walls started as defensive, they were now mainly used to discern from what was Tubbo's land and what wasn't, which is why Tubbo didn't want to give up the new wall. So instead, he tried to mark out and defend his farm, in line with Cookie Outpost, which meant walls.

The solutions Quackity offers are all offers that benefited Las Nevadas and his plans, not his new neighbour Tubbo. Tubbo didn't understand why Quackity came in so aggressively so suddenly. The last they spoke, they at least left on civil terms, and both said they considered each other a friend, yet Quackity does not believe what Tubbo is telling him, doesn't believe that Tubbo doesn't want to harm him. Tubbo is also a bit annoyed by the fact that the solutions all take a hit to him when in his eyes, he didn't even build on Las Nevadas property and didn't even know of future plans Quackity supposedly had for Las Nevadas.

Eventually, Tubbo agrees to take down the wall if they come up with boundaries to the land to know what is his and what is Las Nevadas. He suggests the natural border of the river as that was what he was following anyway. He also offers it as it keeps the place looking nice since Quackity initially said the issue was how imposing the wall was to his nation.

This is a compromise. Tubbo and Quackity both get the things they want as the cost of the wall, the issue at hand. But Quackity and Las Nevadas say no to this proposal, and once again, they are running around in circles.

Other compromises were proposed, but again, most of them suited Quackity over Tubbo and therefore were more of a relinquish of power than a compromise. The solution Tubbo gave was one in which there wouldn't be a power imbalance between the two nations and would have left both on equal footing. But Quackity said no because he needs Tubbo below him power-wise.

Like Tubbo with his walls to protect what he loves, Quackity wishes to preserve his happiness and joy through control. He needs to control the situation, the environment and the people around him so that they do not say or do anything to jeopardise the life he has created. He cannot have Tubbo in an equal position to him, and therefore all solutions Quackity offers leave Tubbo below him.

So Tubbo did try and compromise, he just wasn't going to take a solution that didn't leave him, and Quackity equal, much like Quackity wasn't going to take a solution that didn't leave him above Tubbo.

5. You Started It So I Am Finishing It: Why did Tubbo instigate and threaten violence?

Short answer, he wasn't the instigator.

Whilst Tubbo was a bit rude and inconsiderate, the first instigation and threat of violence came from Quackity's side.

As mentioned before, upon first viewing Tubbo's place with Slime and Fundy, Quackity decides to send a message to Tubbo not to threaten them by essentially threatening Tubbo himself. They trash the site and leave it in ruin. This is the first act of aggression. There is also the fact that Quackity was willing to take things further by stealing Tubbo's totems, and if it had not been for Fundy suggesting that he was going too far, he probably would have taken them.

At this stage, Quackity and Tubbo have not spoken, have not adequately interacted for months. Quackity grief's the place without even asking Tubbo what he's doing, without talking things through with Tubbo. Quackity said he would ask him what was happening and whether this place was a threat but then proceeded to treat it as a threat and grief the place to send a message to Tubbo.

Ranboo then cleans the place up, placing signs to reinforce the idea that it's a cookie shop. This hides the altercation from Tubbo and ultimately makes Quackity's next more seem even more aggressive and over the top than before.

In Tubbo's eyes, this has come out of nowhere, whilst Quackity feels he is pre-empting an inevitable that he had no guarantee on.

It isn't until things start to get a bit heated that Quackity decides to try and talk things out with Tubbo. Until this moment, Tubbo had been working on the defensive. Even when he hadn't realised Quackity had threatened him before. Tubbo's Outpost and stance in this situation had always been defensive and passive until Quackity started to push at Tubbo.

Tubbo's threat of the nukes came after all the negotiations and arguing and directly responded to the energy Quackity was giving Tubbo. Tubbo wasn't the first to push, it was Quackity, and Tubbo just pushed back and essentially told Quackity, do not underestimate me.

Tubbo doesn't want to use the nukes; that was not the point of Snowchester's nukes. He doesn't want to destroy anything; it is just to make sure people do not destroy his things. Tubbo, although more feral than the feral boys, does not crave violence; like Quackity (or at least before Quackity enjoyed torturing Dream), he wishes for a peaceful place where he can work on his projects; his end goal isn't destruction.

Tubbo pulling the nuke card was not an attack, but a defensive response to everything Quackity had put on the table.

It felt like an extreme response, but Tubbo has seen how far Quackity goes with things and how hard Quackity is willing to fight for what he wants. So Tubbo needed to shock Quackity and remind Quackity that they are equals, they are equal in power and that should he forget, Tubbo will happily remind him.

Overall. Tubbo did not instigate but react.

Both parties threatened each other, but it was Quackity who threw the first punch.

6. Conclusion: The World Is Wide Enough.

The issue with Quackity and Tubbo is more about the relationship and their perception than the building itself.

In posts before, I talked about how one of the significant communicative issues between Tubbo and Quackity is their inability to understand how they view things differently, even after all their shared trauma.

Quackity and Tubbo went through Schlatt's administration together and in close quarters with Schlatt. They both left with similar, albeit not the same, trauma as a result. However, their experiences with Schlatt left them both with different outlooks on life. They approach things differently, want and desire other things in life, and, throughout the exile arc, constantly found themselves at odds in opinion. If you ever wanted a trope of friends to enemies through misunderstandings, much like Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, Quackity and Tubbo are your guys.

They both struggle with the idea that the world is big enough for them, especially Quackity. There is a constant struggle between Quackity and Tubbo with who takes the lead and who is in charge. Now that they aren't forced on the same team, they've again found themselves at this impasse. But this time, neither is backing down because neither has to. They don't have to put aside their differences for the good of a country anymore. This time they are fighting for each their nation and ideals.

Tubbo often let Quackity persuade him with passionate speeches. But, this time, Tubbo is not allowing Quackity to have his way, whilst Quackity is not used to Tubbo digging his heels in the ground so much. Quackity does not want to settle for less; he's done that in the past, but he has missed the compromises being offered in refusing to let a little go. His paranoia that his happiness and all he's created will crumble away, much like past projects have toe lead him to view everyone as a threat. And it's funny how the very same fear from Tubbo, building those walls to protect his happiness, broke the last straw for Quackity, causing this argument to spiral and ball.

Both are in the wrong, and both are in the right. Still, personally, Quackity's refusal in this new life for total control, which influenced the negotiating, probably had a more significant impact than just giving Tubbo the natural border. Quackity makes it out like he doesn't want complete control, but he rejected it and presented arguments that left Tubbo worse off when offered an equal footing solution. Quackity is someone who wants to stay above Tubbo and therefore hold more of the control. Suppose he continues to maintain that stance in his mind while negotiating. In that case, he will never find a solution other than obliterating the competition because Tubbo will not stand for less than equal.

The fractures in Tubbo and Quackity's relationship came long before this altercation, but it seems as though this might be the thing to pull them apart finally. Of course, the only viable solution is for both parties to leave on equal footing, but Quackity struggles with that idea, and Tubbo won't settle for less.

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zanguntsu · 4 years

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attractiveness and morality - or how people think with their metaphorical dicks instead of their brains

people are fucking horny over the villain characters in bleach, i mean specifically the male ones because as we know the female villains are nonexistent lol. but it’s not hard to see how attractive the male characters are even though i just refuse to acknowledge men unless i have too.

however, there is an issue with how we perceive the characters based on how attractive they actually are, more along the lines of how people will excuse any offensive behavior based on physical attractiveness

the convicts oops i mean examples

there are a few examples i can name like popular male villains that people lose their shit over.

aizen is the big one, where despite the crimes he has committed, such as emotional manipulation, attempting to wipe out a whole town, murders, and hollowfying his colleagues and getting away with it. yet, he is sympathized, especially over Tousen who tends to be more villainized by the fandom or at least held in a less favorable regard.

Gin is in the same boat, with the emotional manipulation and general emotional harm inflicted on multiple people but is sympathizes because uwu he loves rangiku even though he did cause her harm, simply because he betrayed her and hurt her friends and colleagues.

Ulquiorra is another very notable one, since he also has that whole manipulation thing although not as blatant as aizen. he did kidnap a minor and abuse her (isolating her, threatens her and her friends, and it is used to control her/keep her in captivity).

Grimmjow is another example, and its especially notable because he’s just very very violent. And he never apologizes or feels remorse for it, despite generally terrorizing Ichigo and co.

Nn*itra is especially reprehensible, he is overtly sexist, as most of his violent acts are targeted at women and uh. actively saying he hates women. creepy (implied sexual) behavior towards a minor as well.

Szayel as well, he has no regard for his minions, and then theres whatever he did to nemu what the fuck that was so fucked what the fuck.

notably, these men are also wildly popular among the fandom. they will have the most fanart, most discussion, most fics i guess.

why do horny fucks sympathize with them

people empathize with people they see as attractive, and i mean conventional attractiveness. note how none of this empathy extends to people who do not fall in the category as attractive (often pale side eyes) hunk/twink. does zommari get that attention? yammy? why are they not held to the same standard as say szayel/gin or grimmjow. yammy is also angry and prone to violence, much like grimmjow.

what sets them apart is that they are not deemed sexually attractive so therefore, their flaws become easier to ignore and they arent sympathized as much. of course, kubo probably did inadvertently create this problem, seeing as theres a discrepancy in creating a complex character. another example of this is the comparison between byakuya and omaeda. of course, they are obviously different characters, byakuya has more development and screentime. however they are similar in that they are wealthy, in high positions of power, and look down on people they deem inferior for a variety of reasons. byakuya, however, is conventionally attractive and also has screentime. that being said there is an underlying issue of fatphobia as well in reducing omaeda to a comic relief character.

people empathize with attractive people or at least favor them. “People more strongly desire to form or maintain bonds with physically attractive partners relative to unattractive partners—an attractiveness-based affiliation effect (Path B). In turn, through projection, attractive partners are perceived to possess attributes that are compatible with these goals, which largely center on their reciprocation of interest in establishing or maintaining close relationships (Path C).” this is indicated by the halo effect, “the tendency for positive impressions of a person, company, brand or product in one area to positively influence one's opinion or feelings in other areas“ which also applies to beauty and how attractiveness impacts how one recognizes a person. for example, an attractive person will often be associated with positive traits such as compassion, intelligence, and other desirable traits. it could be things like how appearing well groomed heightens others perception of you, how you will appear responsible and capable.

and this does extend to the villains. aizen is viewed as a tragic villain who fights for injustice or something like that. gin is a tragic antihero i think that did everything for his true love tm. ulquiorra is a tragic villain who does not understand love. grimmjow is grimmjow. nn*itra is somehow tragic with an inferiority complex lmao take that fucking L bug boyyy loser. and szayel... exists. see how fanon interprets these characters despite none of them having any remorse for what they have done. the fandom leaps to provide a justification or rational for their actions no matter how abhorrent they are. yammy and zommari are still held as villains, yet they are not sympathized with in the slightest nor are beloved to that extent. compare the sexualization of these men and the amount of sympathy garnered from the fandom.

why this matters

its no secret that in online spaces especially, offenders are romanticized or at least sympathized. take the true crime community for example, in which case male serial killers were romanticized despite the atrocities they have committed. and this is linked to the “bad boy” trope that is prevalent in romance novels, where a troubled or dangerous man seems like a desirable partner despite stalking their love interest among other crimes. of course, this also gets a bad rep from wattpad ya books and just ya books in general.

there are examples of this trope. i have vaguely alluded to edward from twilight. there is also the cause of that white guy from 50 shades of gray, which is most known for romanticizing abuse but the audience cannot help but be allured by his white guyness or something/ there is the netflix film “you” where a man stalks a women but it is seen as romantic and people find themselves attracted to joe despite his violence. literally this type of behavior:

there’s ted bundy film and how people raved about how hot he was despite him being an absolute monster and having real victims whos family have to live with the fact that people find their family member’s killer hot. it is this in its absolute extreme, where people are fully aware of their crimes but still find sympathy or attraction towards a criminal. in this case it is the gradual romanticization of violence that may creep up. i cannot assuredly claim that there is a strong correlation between finding villains attractive and romanticizing violence but there can be some indication of this.

and this view of how attractiveness can bleed into criminal court. of course, there are other factors such as gender, sexuality, age of judges and the inherent corruption within the legal system. here is a list of studies about this topic because christ i am not copy and pasting all of that go read it yourself. but the main takeway is that in mock jurors and other public opinion, the more attractive defendants accused of crimes have less severe sentences or even less sentences (however this is not seen as frequently in judges). it shows that there is a level of sympathy, leniency, or more compassion towards attractive people.

Conclusion

the point being made here is that attractiveness affects how one sees a person. yes, it is possible to find villains attractive, however the bias of physical attractiveness and actual character can potentially be dangerous if left unchecked. this is not exactly a call to action or a psa because a) i am fully aware that this fandom is horny to the point of brainrot and that it is incurable and b) this is just an analysis on behavior in the fandom. and i am aware that the studies are cishet in nature and are not indicative of the fandom as a whole seeing as there are a fair amount of lgbt people in this fandom. that being said, my point still stands.

#hi everyone its me blaze zanguntsu back at it again with a whole essay #ramble tag #dare i tag this in the bleach tag #bleach #i am going to invite so much discourse onto my blog with this wont i

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ghostofcitrus · 3 years

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realizations?? cool, cool...

brief warning : i mention transmedicalism and talk about my own body a little

okay so im seeing myself do the exact same shit ive done multiple times ive done when researching gender and stuff. it literally goes like this every time:

i start to think about gender a bit, it floats around the back of my minds for few weeks or whatever. the thoughts comes up more pressing occasionally, but overall it doesnt bug me, its kinda just there

i either think about it more, look at myself in the mirror a certain way, see someone come out, or get reminded of an identity (literally always one of the demigenders. demi-girl, -boy, and -gender have all been past identities/considered identities of mine). now its on the front of my mind.

i do something (when i was younger i layered sports bras, recently i cut my hair, that stuff) and im like fuck okay im really thinking about this now

i go through this back and forth with myself (which was like all my other posts) and eventually land on yes i do actually identify like this. i feel happy and think about the changes i wish i could make to myself (hair, no titties, name, pronoun change)

thennnn i find transmeds again. “you need dysphoria to be trans”. and i like lose my marbles. i start to think of both the discomfort i feel and the lack of discomfort. the best way i can describe it is a similar way i used to experience my sensory issues (before realizing they were sensory issues) : i dont feel like its bothering me, but when i do something that “helps” (i.e. noise cancelling headphones, experiment with pronouns, stuff like that) i feel soo much better!!

but then i start to think that if i had to live as a woman/girl, i would be fine. my life would still be good, id still be happy, all that. so i realize i dont expereince dysphoria, because its obviously not distressing to live as i do presenting fully female, and it doesnt impare my day to day life.

so i stop identifying like that, let it fade out of my mind, and go along with my life, and use the fact that i can do that as proof that im not actually nonbinary. i ignore what i really want and do like other “half” things, like wearing a minimizer bra, cutting my hair mid length, and i used to really hate my body but i worked really reallyyy hard to just accept it and love it. even if it doesnt really feel like me, i just dont really pay attention to it. i like what my body looks like. i think its a nice body,,, not that it actually feels like MINE. but regardless. and it seems that this comes back up every so often. and the process repeats.

anyways. the more i think about the fact that in my head i literally have always had a skewed prospective of my body that does not match what i see, the more confident i feel in identifying as nonbinary. as much as im logically aware that i have Big Boobies, im always surprised to see them/my general body shape. i think a lotlotlot of my self hatred came from that feeling. so like forcing myself to love it has been great...but that disconnect is still there. theres just like no/much less hatred that comes from it anymore. i wear more formfitting clothes and dresses and feel good or nuetral about it, something i really couldnt do before. but JEEZ thinking about having no boobs MM yes Please. being more androgenous but still feminine (idk if that makes sense lmao). and right now? the more i think about how much more comfortable id be like that, the more uncomfortable i am as i am(like, im actualy aware of my chest rn rather than the feeling that it literally doesnt exist til i see it then just :( ). ive never liked a lot of my features but i didnt ever think that maybe the hyper “femaleness” of it was a part of it. and that my desires for more nuetrality (wanting a more nuetral name, getting excited by nuetral pronouns, wanting no b00bs/lots of curves, loving my super short hair, etc) was more rooted in gender than self hatred, and so when i worked through the self hatred part i kinda started to just pretend it wasnt still there, bc i had previously chalked it up to self hatred bc i couldnt be trans/nonbinary without dysphoria right? (according to ppl) and i wasnt actually DISTRESSED by being seen as a girl! so i was just a self-hating girl. but now that the self hatred is gone but a lot of the underlying feelings remain... im re thinking. but still stressed idk. basically what im trying to say is i think i have more of an “issue” with my gender than i thought i did before.

but basically: ugh. if you would like to idkkk.... share thoughts/feelings/personal experience/validation thats all coool.... and very appriciated

#i honestly rlly want ppl to tell me what im experiencing a bit #bc idk how to describe it #i also really want just some validation #bc im struggling to accept my own experiences esp w/o knowing the proper language to describe it #help lmao i think i know what im saying but i want someone else to say it first #this is literally what i did with my autism dx lmaooo im pathetic but also pls entertain it im begging #citrus speaks #my post #citrus gender crisis #demigirl #gender questioning #questioning gender #nonbinary

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

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Ok so Camille’s an asshole on that we can all agree, but I’m really tired of people in the fandom acting like she’s just your typical annoying ex and she makes poor uwu Alec feel insecure cause fuck that. Camille was 100% abusive and manipulative but I also think she was sexually abusive too I mean seeing what she did to Simon and kissing Magnus without his consent even though he was clearly uncomfortable, consent doesn’t really seem to be an issue for her-

I feel like she definitely manipulated his fear of loneliness and not being good enough, to suit her needs. Like Magnus isn’t in the mood for sex or it’s especially triggering on a certain day, either way he’s not up for it but Camille makes him do it anyway. She threatens to leave or go find someone else who can fulfill her needs or take care of her when Magnus won’t, ‘I mean does he even love her when he won’t do this one simple thing for her?’

So he just lets her do what she wants, even if he’s having a full blown panic attack Camille doesn’t care or she’ll just leave insulting him saying she can’t deal with this right now and leaving Magnus with no idea when or if she’ll be back. So the next time she asks he hesitates less or initiates it more even when he’s not in the mood so she won’t leave and yeah I have a lot of emotions relating to this. and now I’m thinking about how it’ll affect his future relationships, not even talking about Alec but other people - I have this headcanon where when he got away from Camille and is healing, him ragnor and Catarina live together in ragnors cottage or somewhere away from people for awhile so Magnus can slowly heal and focus on himself and unlearn Camille’s abuse with the help of his family

But despite what this fandom says Magnus has always been a helper and a selfless person to the point of self destruction. He’s unable to prioritise his own health and he wouldn’t be able to slow down and feel the full force of the abuse he experienced cause he feels like he’ll fall apart if he does and ‘no one wants a pathetic crybaby who breaks down when someone moves their hand too fast in his direction it wasn’t even that bad he’s just exaggerating like he always does this is why Camille doesn’t love him back’ (the ‘’ parts were meant to be strikethrough to signify Magnus’ inner thoughts but that doesn’t work on asks)

And he’s scared to get in another relationship cause he doesn’t think he’d be able to speak up for himself if they turned violent or controlling, he’s scared that if they did he’d just let them so he closes himself off from people puts these walls around him and a bright smile on his face that doesn’t let anyone think there’s anything wrong. And theres so much pain going on in the world ‘they have it much worse than him anyway’ and Magnus tries to help the best he can as he always does and he’s always there for people to lean on without any reciprocation and he’s so emotionally and physically tired and he’s not sure how much longer he can take it, almost considers going back to blackfairs bridge ‘really he’d be doing the world a favour’ but theres too many bad memories and he promised his family he would try so he holds on and then he finds Raphael and that obviously doesn’t fix everything but- I was going to continue this but it’s two am in my country and honesty it’s too long already😅 sorry for the rant it’s just a lot of emotions. Im so tired of the ‘Camille’s an annoying ex who keeps getting in the way of my favourite gay ship😠’ metas and needed to let out some feelings before I explode from my hate for Camille

UGH ANON HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE NOT ONLY A GENIUS BUT ALSO MY NEW BEST FRIEND, AN INTELLECTUAL, AND COMPLETELY RIGHT. YOU ARE SO CORRECT!!! idk if uve read my other post that i posted while i was waiting for you but we no longer have the same hat we are SHARING the hat!! i can't believe i got this ask right after i had just made that long ass rant and was in so much need to talk about this like ugh are you my guardian angel. i love you more than anyone else ive ever met

ok ok ok coherent thoughts ok i can do this. first of all THE SALT how does it feel to have vision and coherency. ppl writing camille as just an annoying ex or a bad ex or even as like "oh they both made mistakes and it ended up terrible" drives me UP THE WALL. camille was explicitly abusive, so much so that magnus CANONICALLY WAS UNABLE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM FOR ALMOST A CENTURY. and she was shown to be abusive, both in the physical sense as you have reminded us so brilliantly and in the sense that her whole "choose me" speech? like she doesn't have to literally say the words "no one but me would ever love you" for that to be exactly what she's saying. she's obviously playing with his insecurities and putting him down while presenting her as his savior, it's CLASSIC ABUSE. she was written as such a perfect to-the-book abuser that it honestly shocks me like they did that really all they ticked all the boxes. the way she immediately launched to talk about alec's mortality too, the way she was obviously trying to make them fight and draw them apart - it wasn't a jealousy thing, it is just that she's abusive and she wants him isolated so she can toy with him and manipulate him

EVEN SALTIER WHEN THEY MAKE IT ABOUT ALEC BEING INSECURE LIKE. especially because canonically he literally watched camille kiss magnus and didn't care, which was sexy of him because i was dreading some jealousy drama or something but instead he was just like. obviously she did it to hurt you. i only care in the sense that she's a fucking bitch. we stan!

as for how she treated him! oof i think the same thing with the same words dioajdsaoij it always circled back to "why can't you do this for me?" in and outside of sex - i mentioned that in a conversation in the comments of my other post but i think that with camille the sexual abuse was really just an extension of the regular abuse, so they bleed together and are not really separable in that sense. at every turn, he had to prove his worth, and she used his fear of loneliness both in the sense that she amplified it and made it seem like the only way to not be lonely was to be with her, and that she gave him just enough for him not to feel desperately lonely so she could string him along. not to mention, they both always go back to how magnus supposedly "owes" her, and yes, it's because of the bridge, of course, but there's also that underlying tone of "because she put up with him and gave him affection when no one else would". even when what she did was nowhere close to real affection. so it's both the bridge and the after. she could have saved him and left, but she stayed. that's why he feels he owes her, and she will absolutely use it

AND UR SO RIGHT ABOUT MAGNUS BEING UNABLE TO PRIORITIZE HIS OWN HEALTH UGH UGH UGH UGH like he has no choice for a while because she left him fucking broken and seeing the way she treats him and the amount of shit he puts up with i can only imagine how far she had to go for him to reach a breaking point and leave her for real. but as soon as he could pretend to have himself together he just threw himself out there. and i believe that he felt guilty for having catarina and ragnor take care of him when he abandoned them because of camille - obviously that's not what happened, she manipulated him into staying away from them, made his life hell whenever he wanted to hang out with them until he no longer had the energy to put up a fight to keep in contact with the people he loves, but it's what he feels that happened, and most likely what camille herself eventually started to tell him happened once they had been pulled away enough. ("you're gonna leave me? and go back to who? your little friends who tried to pit you against me from day one? they're just gonna say 'i told you so', magnus. and why would they take you back when you left them before? when was the last time you even saw them? you chose this, you chose me, and now you're gonna come back to them and expect them to welcome you with open arms? you selfish little prick")

AND RAPHAEL!!! raphael was so important, honestly, we say that magnus didn't let anyone into his heart but obviously raphael was the exception and EXTREMELY important for his healing. it's a complicated relationship because he's sort of a father figure for rapha, and as such, he doesn't allow himself to be completely vulnerable around him, because that's not "his role". but! he was the first person whom magnus let in. and they obviously know each other deeply ("i hate to see you like this" even though magnus looked completely put together to the outside eye) and are plenty affectionate ("sweet boy", the hugs, the way rapha talked about magnus with so much love and awe in his eyes and voice) and trusting (the way raphael went to magnus' loft, not his own damn clan, when he was tortured...). i know this fandom likes to pretend that they pretend to hate each other but NO THEY DON'T they are openly caring and loving with each other fucking fight me on this

anyway, my point is that raphael was the first person he allowed himself to trust, and of course, part of that is simply because raphael was vulnerable and in need and like you said he can't just stay still when he sees someone struggling. but to care for raphael eventually had to mean to open up to him and when he welcomed raphael in, he gained a new member to his family. raphael is his kid. that's no small thing. their bond goes deep and it's extremely important because again, after camille magnus wouldn't allow people to get close to his heart, because he was scared of how they could use that against him. raphael was his first, and the only reason magnus was able to open himself up for romantic love again (which was an extra step, not because romantic love is more important or deeper, but because it's specifically the kind of love that camille used against him, and thus it makes him even more scared) was because he had already been relearning trust and platonic love with rapha

rapha did him good!!! there's a reason he calls him "sweet boy" okay. and rapha cares about him and he NOTICES WHEN HE'S IN A BAD SHAPE EVEN THROUGH ALL OF MAGNUS' WALLS and he specifically didn't want magnus involved with the camille drama even when it had obviously gotten out of hand because he wanted to keep him safe and away from her!!! i want to be shot in the face!!! they love each other so much! fuck!

and also that implies that raphael knows about camille which means he might be the first person who met magnus post-camille and heard the story, which means that he might be (and probably is) the first person who was never involved that magnus opened up about this to. if that ain't some powerful and important shit i don't know what is. because part of abuse is that you can't talk about it - there's this sense of shame and guilt both from staying and from not staying more, especially because magnus canonically still feels like he owes her... aaaaa

this answer is all over the place im sorry but my point is you are correct, camille is a textbook abuser not just a shitty ex, she fucked up his head and made him unable to open up for a long time, and the first person that helped him break those walls was raphael and they LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH AND DEEPLY thank you for your attention

#magnus bane #shadowhunters #sh #meta #magnus bane meta #camille belcourt is an abuser #long post #ask #anonymous #camille's trash party #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them

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smalltragedy · 4 years

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* brigette lundy-paine, nonbinary + they/them | you know kirby wormwood, right? they’re twenty five, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, two weeks? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to ring ring by mika like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole balancing acts at perilous heights destined to entertain, jack of all trades master of none, refusal to accept the mortal world as it is thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is december 1st, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hllo welcome 2 my third character i love them a lot theyre a. remake of an older oc of mine so this is fun <3 sdfhk anyways once again i am asking u. pleathe like if u wld like to plot.

ARSON TW

mini playlist.

wizard ;; lucas lex / ring ring ;; mika / crows ;; clues / sunrise sunset ;; bright eyes / la llorona ;; beirut / no children ;; the mountain goats / might be love ;; the pesky snakes / sax in the city ;; let’s eat grandma.

statistics.

full name: kirby wormwood (currently).

nickname(s): magpie.

birthday: december 1st, 1995.

zodiac: sagittarius sun, aries moon, libra ascending.

mbti & temperament: estp & improvisor / sanguine.

label: the hellion.

hometown: abilene, texas.

sexuality: bisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

alright lets get right into it. kirby ws switched at birth. they cld’ve hd a very like. picket fence trampoline in the backyard. 4 columns cos its texas n it feels right. bt instead they were chosen <3 somewhat unintentionally <3 by dorothea n fawley wormwood, two traveling circus workers who emergency stopped in abilene.

n u know what. growing up in st. pierre’s traveling circus ws kinda fkn awesome? like ok. besides the fact tht they were homeschooled fr like evr n there were a sparing amt of children 2 socialize with? it ws p cool idk.

it ws kinda like everybody ws their parent n also not at all bc they were all very casual. bt they grew up learning hw 2 maintain the circus (n also like. normal school thingz bt i dnt think kirby hs ever cared abt school like ever) n whenever they hd a show kirby wld facepaint or handle tickets until they were old enough 2 start learning like. the Real fun things.

fawley hd a lot of his own weird odd little like superstitions n beliefs n practically raised kirby on them like n they dnt rly <3 make a lot of sense. lots of made up philosophy. very much like. nothing defines u. u cn b anything or anyone. n kirby ws like ok cool. n then developed a god complex.

names didnt rly stick 2 kirby when they were a kid like. nothing satisfied them or felt worthy fr them or simply they just. got tired of a name. this isnt related 2 them being nonbinary BUT it did help ease some of the. pressure of exploring gender identity. theyve only hd one name tht stuck genuinely n tht ws magpie n. thts bc everybody hd their own bird name n it felt very. like community. like a role. usually the names they used during performances bt. anyways KFHDSGLKKHL

theyre Kirby bt answers 2 most. neutral nouns.

honestly. they were also a rascal as a youth. ws like. oh. i learned sleight of hand? cool. time 2 pick pockets. wld throw popcorn into the hair of other kids n b like. omggg what was that ... became a mime fr a year. it ws a rigorous training.

now a master of charades. bt anyways. they traveled pretty much weekly, maybe bimonthly n sometimes just pure monthly. there wsn’t an off season fr them, when the colder months came they’d travel south and when summer rolled in they’d go right back up again. it ws easy to switch personas almost daily n just. never reveal ur true self. totally not saying tht’s what kirby did bt thts what they did. it nvr made them lose sight of themselves it ws more like. acting. tricking ppl fr fun.

anyways all good things come 2 an end and when kirby ws like. 18. they were like hey ur old enough that we cn trust u with fire. we think. n they started 2 learn fire-throwing n like. they were ok at it bt lessons were painfully slow n kirby ws like. i wld b so good at this if i cld do it all the time. n it ws like. hey kirby, chill. u already know a lot of things.

arson tw // u see where this is going. tents are kind of flammable. kirby ws unsupervised. bad decisions all around. circus is aflame. all the animals n all the circus workers got out fine bt like. st. pierre’s ws efficiently out of business. arson end of tw //

n kirby fkn booked it they just. ran. pure fear. nvr looked back which is like super traitorous of them 2 do bt. sometimes they meet up in secret like. sunglasses n all at a coffee shop. not all of them just like. fawley or someone else. theyre like. ur family u cld burn down a thousand circuses n we’d still love u. n kirby is like yeah i know bt i’ve rly committed to the bit now. n they dnt reunite.

anyways. since then kirby hs just been. a traveler. nvr rly staying anywhere fr super long n driving around in their shitty little van tht’d been used as housing back at st. pierre’s.

they’re in irving n theyve been there fr almost. suspiciously long. compared 2 their average stays. when asked abt what they do or why theyre there theyll just. give a vague answer or spin a long tale tht usually involves a burning circus.

theyre staying at uh. abernathy creek rn bc of course they r they fit in so naturally. welcomed with wide arms. might b soul searching rn might b on the hunt fr their birth parents might b just vibing ... whose to say ..

personality & facts.

has a Big personality tht attracts others fr better or fr worse. either super likeable or the most despicable person on the earth. no in betweens. n honestly tht is a talent in itself

has no off button is constantly. spinning tales or performing a dance or getting kicked out of bars fr whatever nonsense reason.

honestly they prob think tht nothing bad cn ever happen to them even tho like. bad has literally happened 2 them before? love the optimism here. KLFGDLKFSDHGF

acts a bit like u’ve known them fr ur entire life they r oddly warm in tht way bt they themself r so distant tht its like. oh nice ok ...

both honest n yet dishonest like. yes they will hustle u out of ur money bt they will also tell u their opinion straight up.

probably smart bt they r just like. prime thembo? flowy pirate shirts n cropped tshirts n pants tht r never tight. dresses like they do still work n live at a circus.

likes 2 instigate things between others n then stand back n just watch it happen while taking like zero accountability. loves a good small town drama. avid milf hunter.

does not hv any faith in the american healthcare system at all n will straight up refuse 2 go 2 a hospital if they get hurt theyre like. i cn do it myself im like practically a professional. they r not a professional.

bt does hv like. a thing abt apples. fkn loves them.

uuuhhh cn play instruments bt all very badly. only knows one (1) song tht isnt made up n its wonderwall by oasis. they play it at parties. they expect fr tomatoes to b thrown at them at any given time.

very nimble. agile. granted its frm. learning circus tricks frm a baby age bt they hv impeccable balance n cn sneak up behind anyone without a single noise. uses this 2 their advantage in order 2 scare ppl. chaotic neutral.

loves having the attention on them i wont fk around here. will go to drastic measures to accomplish receiving it. my other muses r capable of taking things srsly bt kirby just. is not. they do not take a single thing srsly they barely even took. st. pierre’s destruction srsly n they caused it. maybe.

likes being able to just. be unknown so the amt tht ppl know abt them is actually very. little. i dnt think they even tell others their last name. sometimes not even their first. just hs so many aliases n nicknames. i know i didnt list any bt thts simply bc Any cld.

probably acts out to compensate fr the. underlying guilt they hv bt thts okay. i mean it isnt bt.

will probably show up if u call them fr help bt they lose interest in people p quickly n r always moving onto the next shiniest person. bt when they do they give them like. all their attention. if u wrong them in this period they will just. ignore it. bt when theyre bored then its like. u werent even friends at all? very odd.

perhaps it is commitment issues bt <3 ya. thts them. they do not claim favorite colors or movies or. most interests. probably bc theyre very very disconnected frm pop culture i think they learn everything thru twitter n google.

i wld not call them a good person bt i also dnt think theyre like evil horrible nasty awful they just. think abt themself a lot more than they think abt others n also refuses to face consequences ever and also .. anyways.

wanted plots.

part of the bird’s nest ;; honorary bird honorary circus member. u hv to be very well regarded by kirby to earn a bird name bt i feel like tht doesnt feel like a lot considering theyve only been here fr like. two weeks KDGDSHKGK. the catch is tht u cn only refer 2 them as magpie frm then forward.

hand in unlovable hand ;; theres comfort in being terrible ppl together n it may not last bt it doesnt hv to anyways. its just them n the like. vibes. n knowing tht its smth thts nvr gna b long term. cld b anything ur character just hs to be also a little evil. KHDSGFDS

one jester ... wht abt ... TWO jesters .. ;; hoo boy. ooh man. unstoppable force and immovable object combine forces n just become. the worst of the worst. ultimate jokesters. epic pranksters. absolute clowns. chaotic energy unmatched. always nonsense.

n also ;; ppl they’ve stolen frm, ppl who hv caught them in that act, ppl who’ve maybe seen them in the circus a very long time ago, Found Family Trope, real family shenanigans, kirby just asking everybody if theyre their dad., mortal enemies if they see each other its an instant duel 2 the death, etc.

#( kirby wormwood. ) about. / sunrise sunset.#irvingintro #arson tw

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phanlight · 4 years

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Imagine Living Like A King Someday

prompt: Southview Boarding School isn’t a castle and Phil Lester isn’t royalty, but he has everything. His father owns the school, he’s popular, has the best room, gets all the best treatment – there are very few things that aren’t handed to him on a platter. Dan is a cleaner/Phil’s personal maid there, and he isn’t as lucky. Everyone seems to take an aversion to the outsider, including Phil (at first).

[CHAPTER MASTERPOST]

theres something so funny to me abt having written all of this over a matter of months and then picking it up 4 entire years later like nothing happened

still thinking of the enormous steaming mess past left future me to clear up in terms of plot but i think we're finally there THANKS 2016 SHELLEY

[AO3 LINK]

Twenty-Three (fINALLY)

By far the best thing about this job, Dan decides, is the Thursday afternoons. They allow for a lull in the week, a window wherein Phil is enveloped in a research project and Noah equally as swallowed up in rehearsals. December being only a breath away had made for a sudden increase in workload for both of them; it seems leaving the holiday season for an actual holiday is far too big an ask for the education system. Dan feels sorry for them. He remembers his burning resentment toward academic responsibilities; how much he’d loathed being made to study while the sky loses its light. He’d taken pity on the pair of them and stocked up on various study supplies – all edible and a few drinkable, much to their delight. He’d left them with all the Kit-Kats, Doritos and Jaffa Cakes they’d possibly be able to cram into a four-hour session. He’s becoming something of a mother figure, he giggles when he tells Lawrence.

There’s something about conversations with someone as wise as the head caretaker, the nicest boss he’s ever had, that jolts everything back into perspective again. Sometimes, when anxiety gnaws and every breath feels uneasy, the only thing that helps is a few words of wisdom. Of true compassion. And as caring and as gentle as Phil is, sometimes it’s worth listening to someone over triple his age; with triple his life experience.

And way over triple his collection of mugs. They stand in rows in a cabinet next to the desk, a glass door keeping them on proud display (there’s no way he doesn’t polish that regularly). He can’t count the teas they’ve had together, but he’s never had the same mug twice. It makes the overall experience just that little bit more enjoyable; a guaranteed smile no matter how bleak the day.

“Wallace, or Gromit?” is the first thing Lawrence says when Dan creaks open the door.

He frowns. Bit of an odd way to say hello, but he’s had weirder.

“Sorry?”

“If you had to pick?”

Dan chuckles, his frown melting away. Months of this place has made him warmly familiar with Lawrence’s eccentricities and quick-fire questions upon entering. The only one who works here with a personality, Phil often calls him, before quickly adding Below fifty, of course.

“Gromit,” he says decidedly. “He’s cute.”

“Gromit it is,” he whips around, presenting Dan with a steaming ceramic version of the dog, his left ear protruding into a handle.

“How did I not see that coming?” Dan chuckles, taking the mug and nearly burning his fingertips. “Thanks,” he sips a little too quickly. “Let me guess; you have a Wallace one too?”

“A-ha!” Lawrence spins around again holding with an identically sized mug, the other character still grinning despite having a head full of boiling hot liquid.

“You never cease to amaze me,” Dan grins, shaking his head in disbelief. He plops himself down on Lawrence’s enormous armchair, shifting a jacket off of the seat. Despite his repeated insistence that he really doesn’t mind and the stool looks really comfy, actually; Lawrence insists he takes his chair every single time he comes over.

‘It’s just lovely to have a chat with you, kid,’ he’d say. ‘I don’t get many visitors.’

The whole thing swamps Dan’s small frame, the upholstery devouring most of him, but the comfort is unbeatable. He could fall asleep here.

“Look at his nose! His- look at that! Hey- you’re missing it!”

Dan’s eyes dart around the room. “Wait- what?”

“The mug!” he urges.

Dan frowns, peering at the steaming Wallace. His grin looks like the taste of Brie.

“It’s-…” he squints. “Big?”

“Not mine you daft thing- yours!” he points.

“Mine?” Dan looks down. Gromit stares forward, his black button now a cherry red. “Oh!”

“Clever, that, ain’t it?” Lawrence enthuses, his eyes shimmering. “Must be a heat detector! I don’t know how they do it, these things,” he beams. “It’s like they’re finding something new every day.”

Dan’s heart glows. It would come as no surprise if he’d been waiting all week to show him that.

“I’ll keep an eye out for it next time,” Dan smiles, looking down. “I used to have a Pac-Man mug that did a similar thing, actually.”

“Pac-Man, eh?” Lawrence says as if it’s the eleventh Grand Theft Auto. “What used to happen? Did he do his little routine?”

“Not quite,” Dan giggles, assuming his ‘little routine’ constituted flying around a maze uncontrollably. “The ghosts just appeared. Nothing moved, though.”

“That’ll be the next step, I tell you,” Lawrence says. “Goodness knows what they’ll be able to do even one year from now. Come next Christmas you’ll be buying me a mug that can sing.”

Dan’s grin doesn’t stop. How someone so many times his age can still bear such child-like enthusiasm for the small things really is something treasurable. The gem of Southview, he decides as he takes another sip and studies the bottle opener collection beside him. Lawrence makes this job bearable. Worthwhile.

He doesn’t tell him such mugs actually exist; doesn’t let on the Cherusker stein is a particular favourite of his. The cabinet full of them was in fact possibly the only tolerable aspect of the May Fair experience; – he’d forever spend lounge duty dusting them, lifting every one and smiling as gentle lullabies spilled out until barked at to ‘stop wasting time’. He makes a mental note to make another addition to his Christmas shopping list. He’s certain Lawrence is aware of their existence, but he’s sure he wouldn’t be expecting to unwrap one only three weeks from now. Seeing those eyes crinkle with joy under years of laughter lines is a gift in itself.

He only realizes he’s smiling when Lawrence matches his grin.

“You’re at a funny age,” he sighs, clinking the spoon against the china. He places it on an Abbey Road coaster. “That’s what my mother used to say,” he pauses, forehead lined with thought. “Mind you, she’s been saying that at every age I’ve been,” there’s a silence. “Even now.”

Dan grins, imagining a woman twenty-odd years older but about a metre shorter. It warms his heart to hear she’s still with him, with them. Here.

“What does that say, eh?” he continues. “There’s never an age you’re going to look back and everything around you will have fallen into place. Never a moment you’ll dust off your hands and think ‘well, that was easy’. Because that isn’t life.”

The final sentence resounds all around the hemisphere of his consciousness. What absolute truth there is to be found in that.

This is precisely what he loves about his conversations with Lawrence. It isn’t just the tea. Not even the comfort both physical and emotional alike; the guarantee that whatever he confesses to doing won’t go any further than the office walls. It isn’t even the advice- which he’d go so far as to admit is more beneficial than Phil’s, at certain times (there’s just something about hearing it from someone who’s double their combined age).

It’s the lack of judgement. The listening ear. The only person he can truly guarantee is without a single trace of bias or underlying ulterior motive. The ‘I’ve experienced, lived, truly knocked down but bounced back every time’ tone that resonates through every pebble of advice, each wise word he gifts away.

And he feels safe, talking to him. He feels comfortable. It’s everything every single past job wasn’t, and even now, when Dan drags a scalding sip to his lips and listens to Lawrence’s stories, his pellets of wisdom and anecdote after anecdote involving life in the Sixties, he realizes he’s truly safe here. Happy, almost.

“How old is she? Your mother?” The question escapes his lips before he can exercise any control over what he’s asking. Shit, he hopes that wasn’t too personal. Not a lot of things are off-limits when it comes to conversations with Lawrence, but boundaries are still unclear.

Lawrence remains unfazed, his expression still thoughtfully soft.

“She’ll be ninety-eight this June.”

“Eighty-eight?” Dan frowns. He must have heard that wrong.

Lawrence points a finger to the ceiling. “Up ten.”

His jaw drops.

“Wow.”

“Yep,” Lawrence contradicts with a warm head nod. “She’s lived through a lot, has our Maggie.”

“I can imagine,” Dan breathes, leaning against the desk. His respective lifespan has already thrown enough in his direction. He can’t imagine what four times that would be.

“Lived through two world wars, bless her,” he sighs, his eyes studying the windowsill. “Lord alone knows what the woman must have witnessed,” his eyes flicker to Dan. “Then bringing up three kids on top of that,” he shakes his head, slurping the steam. “I don’t know how she does it. Still going strong, mind. She’s an angel.”

“Truly,” Dan sighs, his gaze leaning further and further out of the window. A crow comes to a soaring descent onto one of the branches, leaving a flutter of yellow leaves in its wake. If he narrows his eyes he can make out the very outline of a nest somewhere further in. “You’re lucky to have her,” he says before his thoughts can catch up.

Lawrence huffs out a chuckle. “You sound almost as old as I do, kid,” he hesitates. “Though you’re right. I am. I love her.” There’s a silence. “And I make sure I tell her every single day.”

Something tightens in the back of Dan’s throat. He blinks a couple of times, sipping carefully. “That’s lovely,” he mumbles into the mug, masking the crack he knew was going to appear in his voice.

“It’s important to say it as often as you can, you know,” he says, tearing open a box of Leibniz and giving Dan the first pick. They’re orange – his favourite. Last week’s rant over the white chocolate ones had clearly been taken on board. “However you say it. In whichever respect you mean it. You have to tell them how much they mean to you. You have to tell them you love them.”

A crumb goes down the wrong way.

“Careful, kid,” Lawrence gives him a firm thump on the back. Dan erupts into coughs, pausing to choke on his own breath a handful of times.

“You okay?”

It’s an amusing question given he’s a shade of scarlet and can only gasp in response, but he nods anyway, reaching for the tea.

All good, he mouths.

A couple of scalding sips later his lungs finally begin to recalibrate.

“Fuck-…” he huffs out a sigh. “I don’t know where that came from- I-…” he chokes again. “You’re right, though, about the-” another cough interrupts him.

“You’re meant to eat it, not inhale it,” Lawrence chuckles. “You donut. Here-“ he pulls out a drawer, scrabbling through loose sheets of kitchen roll and various CDs (without cases, much to Dan’s anxiety) before thrusting a half-opened packet of Soothers into his hand. “Finish them off, kid.”

“Oh, Lawrence,” Dan’s heart all but melts. “Thank you.”

He only takes one, but Lawrence insists he keeps them.

“Just in case you inhale your dinner tonight,” he chuckles, before adding, “Don’t you go choking on that, for God’s sake.”

“The irony of choking on a Soother,” Dan giggles. his speech a little indistinct. They’re a little on the sticky side but they still taste good. The peach ones have always been his favourite.

“Remember what I said,” he reminds him as Dan chews.

“Thank you,” he says again.

“Not at all, pet,” he smiles. “They need eating up.”

Dan chuckles. “I meant for the-…” he trails off when he spots the gleam in the older man’s eye. He doesn’t even need to finish his sentence to know he knows.

“It’s my pleasure. As long as I can be useful for something,” he raises his chipped mug to his lips as if it’s a champagne glass. “Always remember to give your energy to the right things. And the right people.”

Dan smiles, twining a loose thread around his pinkie. Another pellet of wisdom to come back to when he feels his mind darkening.

“I never used to be much good at that,” he admits. “The right people were always the wrong.”

“Ah, but never forget how far you’ve come,” Lawrence says. “You’re telling me things you wouldn’t have even been able to even think about months ago.”

Dan looks up. “Seriously?” Shit, he hadn’t even noticed.

“Would I be joking?” Lawrence simply says, furrowing a large silver eyebrow. Dan looks down at his tea, sipping carefully. It’s reached a perfect temperature, the liquid hugging his lips. “You tend not to be able to see your own progress, but others can. Others do,” he insists, grey eyes promising.

Dan feels like he’s going to cry.

“Thank you,” he breathes, disguising his mouth with the mug again.

“You don’t need to thank me, kid,” he chuckles.

“It’s unbelievably hard not to,” Dan admits, chuckling too. His eyes threaten tears but he can’t stop grinning.

“If anything, I should be thanking you,” he says.

Dan stares at him.

“Me? What for?”

“Oh, kid,” Lawrence sighs, his eyes glittering. “You have no idea how much I appreciate you. We’ve had some real characters in and out of here, I’m telling you – between you and me, and don’t even let this get to Phil, but-…” he shakes his head, his eyes following another crow headed in the same direction. He’s probably watching the same tree; Dan briefly thinks before he continues. “Some were okay,” he says almost as if to convince himself if anyone. “Mary, she was lovely. But some,” he closes his eyes, shaking his head. “Look- I really shouldn’t be telling you this- Lord alone knows how unprofessional it is to be-“

“I wouldn’t worry,” Dan interjects, immediately apologizing for interrupting. “Workplaces harbor all manner of dark secrets. I’m sure a little venting about a couple of difficult colleagues doesn’t even come close.”

Lawrence chuckles, dusting biscuit crumbs off of the desk. “That I can’t argue with, kid,” he continues wiping, as if to process his next thought. “I’m not one to speak ill of people- of anyone, but-…’ he shakes his head. ‘You have no idea how much easier a time you give me, kid. It’s a joy to have you here,” he lowers his voice. “Some of them didn’t even turn up.”

Dan feels his face burn a little. Something warm floods through his veins. Shit, he’s never been told anything like that before. Never anything even remotely close. There’s also something particularly wholesome about Lawrence giving a recount of lousy employees like it’s a business-shattering affair, all hushed tones and closed doors.

“It’s great to be here,” he says quickly, his heart thumping. “It really is. It-…” he stops himself, interrupted by the abundance of possible phrases. Saved me, is the only one that adheres.

“I know,” Lawrence says before he can even open his mouth. He reaches forward and gives his knee a quick pat, and Dan wonders how such a small motion can harbour such reassurance. He doesn’t even need to finish his sentences he’s this understanding. “You’re a delight of an employee, I hope you realize,” he grins. “Everything you do is so appreciated here, kid. I ought to tell you that more often,” he pauses. “Sometimes the advice we give is advice we need to take ourselves, eh?

“And vice-versa,” Dan smiles, before hesitating. “Maybe I ought to express myself more.”

“Oh, you already do, kid,” Lawrence says. “We know.”

Dan’s grinning at his tea when he catches the end of his sentence.

“Especially Phil, did you say?”

“Oh, tell me about it. He can’t speak too highly of you, can our Phil. He can’t stop talking about you altogether, mind. ‘The Dan Button’, we call it.”

This conversation isn’t doing Dan’s sensitive blush reflex any favours whatsoever, but he’s past caring. He’s something of an open book to Lawrence anyway.

He stares at the row of vintage Cadbury mugs lining the top shelf of the cabinet (the 1970s Caramel edition is his favourite – there’s just something about the golden writing) as he continues. He wonders if he has a Phil Button. Does he talk about him a lot? Fuck, he hasn’t even thought about it. Usually there’s so much to say; whether it be an anecdote from the passing day or a conversation they’d had or something they’d watched or witnessed or read. It’s difficult to keep track of his own train of thought whenever anyone mentions him. The topic usually leads itself, his own mouth merely a guide. He’ll have to ask Noah if it’s getting excessive.

His eyes stay with the branch. The two crows huddle around the nest-like cluster. By the time this conversation is over the tree will probably be completely leaf-less, he notices as more fall.

“I don’t have a Phil Button, do I?” he says before he can stop himself. Fuck. He just couldn’t resist.

Lawrence only smiles. An eyebrow thinks about twitching upward.

Dan smirks at the silence. Okay. Enough said.

“You kids,” he sighs, swallowing the remains of his tea. “Look out for each other, won’t you? Remember what I said. Tell people how much they mean to you. They aren’t mind-readers.”

Dan smiles, and promises.

“Always.”

Lawrence grins. “I’m glad you ended up here. Doctor Lester is particularly fond of you, y’know.”

Dan stares at him. Surely not. He’s never even seen the man talk, let alone crack anything close to a smile. Any communication between the two had always been by proxy – usually through Lawrence but Phil a lot of the time too. It’s eerily easy to forget they’re even related at all, let alone father and son.

“Oh yes,” he continues, reading his expression. “I shan’t embarrass you with the details, but he says it’s simply a delight to have you on board.”

Dan stares out of the window. Another crow had joined whom he had presumed to be the mother (how can you even tell with birds like that?), both fluttering close to their respective nest. More leaves fall with every judder.

“Well, that-…” he giggles, already feeling his face flush again. He’s going to have to invest in some makeup at this point. “That means a lot. To say the very least, I guess,” he widens his eyes, staring into space. “Wow. God, that’s-…” disbelief silences him. He shakes his head. “That’s the first time like-…” his eyes flicker wider. “Ever.”

“Yeah,” Lawrence remains tactfully quiet. Any allusions toward past jobs are always met with nothing other than gentle sympathy – never questions, never any further comments. Dan can’t thank him enough for that – the past is to be referred to, not relived. If its only reflective purpose is to one day be used as a comparison, something highlighting the incline of quality of life thereafter, then so be it. “You’re appreciated here, kid. By all of us,” he leans forward. “Between you and me, I think he can see how happy you’re making Phil. Y’didn’t hear that from me though, alright?” he nudges his foot with his own and throws him a quick wink.

Dan goes from pink to peony. He makes sure to chew his biscuit properly this time, dunking it in the remains of the tea. Another choking fit at his point would probably send him head-first into the recovery position. He doesn’t reckon being carried out of Mr. Headforth’s office on a stretcher would be his finest hour. Not when he’s finally made it onto the good side of the school, of the staff and communities therein; unusually tight-knit for such a vast population.

He looks up. He smiles.

“No, I didn’t.”

Lawrence’s eyes flicker down to his cheeks. He doesn’t need to say anything.

And I make sure I tell her every single day.

It resides with him for the rest of the afternoon, the phrase burning itself into his consciousness like a tattoo behind the eyes. He can’t let it go, not when he’s studying that pineapple streak the sunset left behind, Phil a breezy nuzzle to the cheek. Not when they’re pacing through the corridors somewhere in the evening, somewhere between the fall of the sun and the rise of the moon. Not even when their hair becomes a confusion of two shades and every breath is shared.

However you say it. In whichever respect you mean it.

He wonders how Lawrence tells her; his mother. When. Where. Does it depend on the day? The hour? Circumstance? He knows there are more than eight letters involved in the action, more than three words to its weight. Does the meaning bleed through his everyday phrases? When he asks her about her day? Whether she’s eaten?

He gulps, his heart thudding.

“Have you had lunch?” was how he’d greeted Phil this noon. “I have loads of pasta in the fridge. I made too much again.”

He stares at the ceiling.

“Text me when you get there,” was how he’d said goodbye this evening. It had started as a joke between the three of them – the campus, although spanning acre-upon-acre of land is still nothing but a speck when compared to the rest of the outside world – but had quickly become something of a tradition (to the extent Dan would often find himself receiving ‘i’m ok <3’ texts from someone in the next room as him).

“Take care,” is how he punctuates most ending conversations with the other boy in hindsight. Still eight letters. A different combination of such, albeit, but a mirrored meaning.

Oh god. He’s fucked.

You’re at a funny age, grey eyes remind him.

Every cell in his body agrees with that, and apparently it’s something they’ll have to get used to. It looks like that’ll never stop, not even after ninety-eight trips around the Sun.

Remember what I said.

Dan does.

#phanfic #phanfiction #phan au #dan and phil #mywriting #writing #chaptered #im still refamiliarising myself w this so it might take a couple chapters to properly settle in #but i hope this is ok omg

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irkenheretic · 4 years

Text

okay i promised id do it and im doing it: Explaining The Plot Of That AU I’m Vague About: The Post

(as i was preparing to write this i actually got my 250th follower, which slapped)

so i’m just gonna start with the simple version, which is this: it’s a rebel AU which primarily centers around the tallest, who are both defective. they give up on trying to make any meaningful changes as figureheads, and instead direct their attention to being involved with the “neo defect revolution,” or NDR. they do manage to make one change as tallest- there is a garbage dump planet turned into a sanctuary for defectives (who in this au are executed once discovered,) and eventually enough of the populace finds out about it that the tallest have to deal with it. they finesse their way into kicking it out of the empire, so now it’s its own planet with its own rules, governments, and most importantly, immigration policies and protections

a lot of stuff happens and it’s gonna be structured using arcs, and each arc has a separate protagonist/deuteragonist/tritagonist lineup (but that doesnt mean the same lineup won’t be used multiple times!) and yes the insane list of OCs are for this au alone: some arcs are very OC-centric, some have OCs as supporting characters, and a couple are all-OC or mostly-OC.

its going to be very longform and it’ll span from the tallest’s elite training days to twenty years after zim arrives on earth. (the 20 year gap btwn zim arriving on earth and the story proper isnt as tightly plotted as later tho.) the point is to see how a revolution on the scale of the NDR works, who was fucked over by defact laws, who was fucked over by other laws, etc. theres a lot of lore and a lot of headcanons i made for this AU and even a conlang. i am a being of hubris. itll be a series of fics, some multichapter and some oneshots.

the series as a whole is gonna be called Invader Zim: Annexed or just Annexed for short. its a pun on an irken word that sounds similar but means the exact opposite. i am not explaining more bc itll be explained in the fic itself. but thats why the tag for it is #anx lmao

i didnt mean for this to be as long as it got but under the cut im gonna breakdown some of the early arcs:

so it all starts with a fanfic called Love Is The H-Word (no the “h-word” isn’t “hell.) it centers around red and purple as elites-in-training, who do a little whoopsie and have an egg. purple doesnt wanna smuggle it into a smeetery, bc then he’ll never see it again, so they go to the defect sanctuary (still a part of the empire at this point.) purple knows he’s defective while red has a hard time accepting that he is as well, due to events from his past. but being around all these other defects are starting to wear down his denial, and the fic is all about that. it also sets up some plot stuff, like how defects adopted a self-identifier in the word “heretic,” hence the sanctuary being named, “heretirk.” (hey look my url!) (no, the “h-word” is not heretic, either.)

i dont wanna say what happens in that fic bc spoilers, but stuff Happens. its also when we meet some ocs that end up being important, and the existence of others are foreshadowed. this is also where we meet the tallests’ future advisor, rarl kove, for the first time, as a local who decides to keep them company. purple bonds with kove due to their shared interest in politics, while red reluctantly bonds with titch, a young irken (a smeet in heretirken standards, an adult in imperial standards- did i mention he and red are roughly the same age? lol) who is interested in military stuff and thrill-seeking and general destruction. titch is pissed because he claims his father is stealthing on devastis as a military commander, but won’t let titch sneak in as a soldier, as titch is deaf.

(fun facts: in the au, “titch” is regional slang for “a little bit.” ironically, titch the character is above-average in height.)

due to titch’s deafness, he developed “gesturespeak,” irken sign language, so he can communicate. this existing becomes important later

a oneshot called invade the system is right after h-word in publishing order. it details zim’s exploits in leaving foodcourtia, where he was assigned and infiltrating the invading academy he eventually graduates from (in this au, zim is too short to be an invader, which sucks because the hight minimums for the military are really short to begin with lmao)

the fic chronoligically after H-Word focuses on red and purple being back in their platoon on devastis, specifically red navigating his training and his relationships with two defective platoonmates, pon and zi (who are in h-word a little,) after the realization that he too is defective. it also focuses on how the irken military works, and how they train their soldiers.

the first arc overall focuses on red and purple going thru training and such, and ends after they graduate and are on the field, working to get commander rank. (they planned to gain commander rank then leave and go back to heretirk to train an army there, as heretirk has.... no army.) in the middle of this, they’re pulled out and told they are to become the next tallest. they debate over staying and taking the job or just running to heretirk, and they ultimately decide to stay.

the next arc i call the “bridge,” tbh. its less tightly plotted than the other arcs; fics are spread apart from each other chronologically and all that. it spans the time after the tallest being appointed to a little after zim arrives on earth. it also has a couple of anthologies focusing on imperial defects- each chapter is a new character. these guys are all important and the easiest way for me to introduce their backstories without cluttering everything up is anthology style, lmao. other things that happen are a look into how the tallest work, eventually culminating with the resolution of the tallest having to Deal With Heretirk, tenn’s rescue from meekrob, and zim on earth obtaining a half-irken smeet named pip due to stealing an Unethical Science Experiment from dib (which is pip.) the bridge is basically just. “heres some stuff that happens between point A and point B so when we get to point B you’re not confused as all hell.”

the next arc focuses on zim. in the first fic, pip is sick and zim is trying to get into his neighbor’s pants, to cope. this basically sets up that zim in this au has no idea how to find personal fulfillment in living- he’s only OK if he focuses on pleasing someone else, be it taking care of pip or doting on the neighbor, some rando human named piqu (pronounced, “peek.”) this is mainly a cute romance story with the underlying veneer of “a child is slowly and painfully dying” in the background. fun!

without spoiling the circumstances, zim and pip end up on heretirk, which at this point is its own independent planet. pip is in the hospital for most of it so zim has to do his own thing. computer fans rejoice bc hes basically zims dad at this point, who tells him to go outside and get some fresh air and talk to the locals instead of schmooping or screaming in anxiety. im sneakily introducing more characters like ini, the “next-gen zim;” a short bio-engineer (she works on PAKs) who was constantly passed over by everyone because they dont trust someone that short or they dont trust someone that spazzy, even though shes actually brilliant. also her brother mo, who’s a pilot that NOBODY will teach military-class ships to (at this point, HTK has a population of ex-military that had their old ships, but still no formal army) because he doesnt talk and they think hes “slow” as a result. for the curious, he is physically able to talk most times, he just doesnt like it. zim ends up teaching him how to fly military-class which ends up being important laterrr

(haha ini and mo. wheres meenie and minie? ILL GET TO THEM)

no really, theyre quadruplets. named ini, myni, minie, and mo. these are real characters.

minie isnt introduced till later. shes too cool to be the side character in someone elses arc. she is feel uncomfortable when we are not about her.

myni is busy palling around with pip and pip’s friend “elly” (real name elevenn, with two N’s.) elly is a half-meekrob War Crime Baby and tenn’s smeet. he has vision problems (he can “see” energy signatures of things, as opposed to conventional sight. everything is monochrome and he has to really focus to see like, words on a paper. also fuck tablets) but the trade-up is telekinetic powers (that he cant use too much or his brain will melt. fun!) this isnt relevant until the arc AFTER zim’s, where they end up poking around a historical site due to myni’s interest in that kind of thing, and they find logs of an old revolution (that was actually pretty successful in their goal, before they were caught and executed,) that lead them to a man named lefy. he helps with revolutions and helped these guys, and the trio go to seek him out; myni because he wants to impress his parents with helping them, pip because after they’ve recovered enough to walk around and do stuff, feel like they need to justify the choice to save their life and make their dad proud and all that, elly because he doesnt want pip to get hurt and die. And thats where the stuff REALLY starts happening and i cant tell u more sorry

this seemed kind of disjointed but thats bc i cant really be too detailed otherwise id like.... spoil it lmfao. but thats the summary of the first few arcs.

#*falls over and dies* my poor hands and fingeys #yall better mf read this.....#ill post a fic later today or maybe tomorrow #its being betad rn #take this lol! i finally explain myself #for those of you on mobile i am SO sorry #this is fine to rb in case ur wondering. dk why u would wanna but its chill #anarchisma au #live from conventia #long post

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picturetoburnnn · 5 years

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Sweater Weather | C.H. x Reader

word count - 2.4k+

warnings - insecurity i guess?? idk

propmt - I was hoping you could do one where you’re cared to wear values clothes? Like you see Sierra and crystal wearing Michael and Luke’s clothes but you’re nervous that claim won’t want you to? (theres more but for the sake of length i’ll tag the request here !!

a.n. - long time coming!! life majorly got in the way, i did my best to get this done as fast as i could while still keeping the quality. accidentally got carried away. hope yall love it

ps we are pretending calum still has his curls in this fic because that was my favorite

tags - @songforhema @asht0ns-world @lukesflaredpants @sunflowerxcal @star-gazing-calum @cxddlyash @emomack @merryblueberry02 @kinglyhood @caswinchester2000 @babe-babylon @irwinkitten @1delicate-fangirl dm me to be added!!!

“You always look so cute in my clothes,” Luke whispers with a smile as he presses a kiss to Sierra’s temple. Sierra smiled giddily, bringing her sweater paw hands up to her face. The couple looked adorable cuddled up on the couch, sunlight stumbling over their figures with a throw blanket haphazardly thrown over their laps.

I frowned, looking down to my feet.

Cal’s clothes probably wouldn’t even fit me.

“Hey,” Calum slung his arm over my shoulder. “You okay?” He asked, big brown eyes full of concern.

“Yeah.” I plastered on a fake smile, meeting his gaze. “I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“I’m fine, Cali,” I chuckled.

He didn’t look convinced, but relented. His arm fell from my shoulder to my waist as he tangled his feet with mine on the loveseat.

The open windows blew autumn air into the living room in Ashton’s house, a gentle chill filling the air. Luke, Sierra, Michael, and Crystal were all lounging on the sofa, leaving Ashton with the recliner chair (“Fine by me, thank you very much,” he huffed).

The end credits rolled, leading just about everyone to a stretch break. As Crystal stood, I couldn’t help but notice how she wore Michael’s sweatpants.

He’s never even offered to let me try on one of his shirts. He probably doesn’t want me to.

Calum stood, stretching his arms behind his head, shirt riding up to show a tiny bit of his adorable tummy. He leaned down with a groan, placing his hands on the couch’s backrest on either side of my head, boxing me in. “I’m gonna step outside for a smoke break, okay baby?”

“Okay,” I whispered, smiling at him.

He gave me a quick kiss before standing up, motioning for Ashton to come outside with him.

“Do you know if we have any more blankets?” I asked the two couples. “It’s kinda chilly in here.”

Luke answered, “I think the rest of Ash’s blankets are in the wash, but I’ve got one of Cal’s old hoodies in my car. I’ll go grab it for ya.”

“Oh no, really, it’s not a big--”

“Nah, I’ll go grab it.”

Before I could say another word, he’s out the door. Idle chatter filled the room until the singer’s return. He dropped the green Empathy hoodie in my lap, mumbling a quiet “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” I grinned up at him, trying to hide my worry. How would Calum react to me wearing his clothes? Would he be mad? I put my arms through the sleeves and pulled it over my head. Guess I’m about to find out.

A few minutes pass before Calum and Ashton come back inside. I sat on the loveseat, scrolling through my phone when I heard the back sliding door open. I looked up, and my heart fell.

Calum was staring at me, shocked. I knew he didn’t want me wearing his stuff. I tore the green hoodie off my body faster than I’ve ever taken anything off before, muttering a small ‘sorry’ as I dropped the ball of fabric on the sofa. I stood up quickly, rushed past Calum into the hallway, made a sharp left to the bathroom, and locked the door behind me. The ground swayed beneath me as I slumped down, my back against the door as I balled my fist against my mouth, trying to silence the impending cries.

I wasn’t about to cry in front of my boyfriend and his friends.

Of course I wasn’t supposed to wear his stupid shirts. They’re HIS, not mine. What made me think otherwise?

“Y/N, baby, what’s wrong?” His lovely voice drifted through the door.

“Go away, Cal. I’m sorry,” I whimpered, tears choking me.

“Sweetheart, open the door.”

I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see.

“Y/N.” Calum’s voice sounded more desperate than anything I’d ever heard.

Perhaps it was that exact desperation that led me to silently twist around and unclick the lock. Within an instant, Calum was standing in the doorway, looking down on my crumpled form. He knelt down, moving to put his arms around me.

Silently, I pushed his arms away. The gesture was sweet, but suffocating.

“Can you please take me home?”

“Tell me what’s wrong, baby,” he pleaded.

“I wanna go home,” I whispered, hands shaking as I wiped my tears.

A deep sigh. “Okay,” he relents. “We can go back home.”

He walked me silently to the car, waving off the concerned questions from our friends. The drive was a silent one, leaving me to break the quiet. The clock on the dash read 4:46.

“Can you please take me to my place?”

Calum all but slammed on the brakes. “W-what? Baby, all your stuff is at my house.”

“I just… I really think I need to be there tonight,” I sniffled.

Calum nodded, but I could see it hurt him to do so.

Great. Not only did I wear his things, I also hurt his feelings. God, what a mess I am.

He pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex. “Are you sure, Y/N? Do you want me to stay with you?”

“No.” I shook my head, sniffling again as I opened the door. “I’ll be fine.” It didn’t feel as if I were moving as I climbed out of the car.

“Hey,” he called before I shut the door. “I love you.”

I nodded, then swung the door shut.

~~~

Calum called Ashton on the drive back home.

“So what happened?” His best friend asked.

“She isn’t telling me!” Calum exclaimed, one hand on the steering wheel, the other rubbing his forehead.

“But she asked me to drive her back to her place. The only times she stays there is if I’m out of town and you’re taking care of Duke. She always stays with me.”

“And you didn’t do anything that you can think of?” Ashton’s voice held no malice, but Calum felt the underlying implication.

“She won’t tell me. I don’t want to press her, I’m sure she’ll tell me when she’s ready, but I’m worried about her. I was so happy to finally see her wearing my stuff, but she whipped it off and ran to the bathroom. She seemed on the verge of a panic attack when she finally opened the door for me. I love her, man, and it hurts she won’t tell me what’s wrong. ”

“I don’t know, Cal. I’ll see what I can get her to tell me.”

Calum’s heart ached. Why couldn’t she just talk to him? He loved her, just wanted her to be okay, but she shut him out? What was wrong? What had happened? What thought wormed its way into that pretty little head of hers and made her shut down completely?

~~~

It was almost eleven p.m. when my phone rang, lighting up my nightstand in the black. I picked it up, not even checking the caller ID, desperate for some distraction from this empty feeling inside.

“Hello?”

“Y/N,” Ashton sighed in relief. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

I swallowed. “I’m fine.”

“No you’re not, girl, and it’s okay. Tell me what happened.”

And the floodgates opened. I poured my heart out, everything that went through my mind came rushing past my lips before I could think twice.

“I was just cold,” I choked out. “I wanted a blanket, but Luke said all he had was one of Calum’s sweatshirts so I put that on. Crystal and Sierra are always wearing Mike and Luke’s clothes but Calum’s never once even mentioned it to me so I figured he didn’t want me to. I was afraid to put on the stupid hoodie in the first place, but I did anyways cause I fugured ‘what’s the harm,’ right? He comes back in with you and he’s looking at me as if his entire world just came crashing down around him. I knew I shouldn’t have worn that freaking green sweatshirt. It’s his, not mine. I didn’t need to be wearing it - I shouldn’t have been wearing it. But I did, and he looked so upset that I panicked and almost accidentally threw myself into an attack. He’s right to not want me wearing his stuff. I’d probably just stretch it out and make it unwearable for him.”

Ashton was silent for a moment. “You really think that?”

“Yeah,” I coughed out between cries.

“Y/N…” Ashton breathed. He went on in the calmest voice he could muster. “He was… overjoyed to see you in his clothes.”

I could have sworn I stopped breathing.

"Honestly, he’s never been more in love than he is with you. And I know for a fact that all he’s ever wanted is for his love to tell him they’re his in the subtlest ways. That includes wearing his shirts. It’s something he’s wanted since the beginning of your relationship, when he realized he loved you.”

A beat of quiet. No sounds could be heard but the ticking of the clock on the wall.

“You still there?”

“I’m so stupid,” I breathed.

“No, you’re not. Just a little oblivious. He’s worried sick about you, though. He told me you’re at your place instead of his?”

“Yeah.”

“If it’s because you think you cause him difficulties or struggles or are the source of his problems, I can guarantee you that is not the case. I‘ve never seen him happier than he is when he’s with you. You brought him joy when he was in his darkest spots. He loves you, Y/N. And I know you love him too.”

I stayed quiet, thinking about what he just said.

“Y/N?”

“I gotta go.” I hung up the phone right then.

~~~

Hours of contemplation later, I finally came to a conclusion. Grabbing my phone, I ordered an Uber, sliding on my shoes and scrambling for my keys.

I waited for just a few minutes before I got the notification that the car had arrived. The driver was kind enough to understand that I wasn’t in the mood to talk, and offered the aux cord to me. I kindly refused, thanking them for the offer.

“Let me know if you need anything,” they said softly as they began the drive to Calum’s.

I bounced my leg up and down in anticipation. Was he mad at me? Would he understand? Is he upset that I didn’t understand?

I spent the majority of the drive trapped in my thoughts. I didn’t process the vehicle pulling up to the curb until the driver gently said, “Miss?”

That snapped me out of my reverie, snapping my head to the window. “Oh, thank you so much. Sorry about that.”

I put a ten dollar bill on the center console. “For you,” I smiled quickly, and was out of the car before they could argue.

I braced myself against the cold, crossing my arms and rubbing my biceps. In the rush to get here, I forgot a sweater (yet again). As I stepped onto the porch, I knocked before I could think about what I was doing. As seconds passed, I started second guessing myself. This was stupid. He probably isn’t even awake.

Before I could turn around, the door flung open. “Y/N?”

His hair was a tousled mess, as if he had constantly been running his fingers through it - something I always knew he did when he felt stressed. His eyes were shadowed by dark circles that hadn’t been so prominent earlier in the day.

I flung myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face in his shoulder. After just a moment’s hesitation, he reciprocated.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled into his sleeve. “I should have come home, I’m sorry.”

His hand ran over my hair as he gently shushed me.

I pulled away, snifiling.

“You catching a cold, angel?” His hands held my face as he looked me over. “Let’s get you inside, sweetheart.” I nodded, crossing the threshold with him hot on my heels.

The door shut. “Wh-”

“I thought you were mad at me,” I blurted, spinning to face him. “For wearing your sweatshirt. “That’s why I acted like that. I thought you didn’t want me in your stuff, that you were upset at me for it. I threw it off and ran because you thought I’d stretch it out and make it unwearable again. I was cold and that’s all Luke said he had so I just took it, y’know? Ashton called me and told me I was wrong, though. I wanted to say sorry for jumping to conclusions.”

Calum stared at me for a minute before letting out a breathy chuckle that eventually turned into a full belly laugh.

“Okay,” I say only half-jokingly. “I poured my emotions out there and you’re laughing.”

“Baby,” he wheezes. “Why would you ever think I’d be mad for something as small as that?”

“I don’t know,” I say quietly in my stubborn voice, pouting. “That’s just how my brain works.”

Calum puts his hands on my arms, smiling at me. “Y/N. I love you. Very, very much. I would be eternally happy to let you wear my sweatshirts any time you want. I don’t think you can possibly stretch them out more than I already have. And if you do, then so what? It’s just a hoodie. You, my love, are much more important to me than that.”

I blushed, hands covering my face as he wrapped his arms around my waist. “I cannot believe you,” he giggles, resting his chin atop my head.

“Hey!” I cried, but was muffled by his chest. “You’re the one who laughed as soon as I told you!”

He sighed dramatically, pulling away but keeping his arms tight around my waist. He looked me in the eyes. “I guess that was a little rude. I’m sorry angel. Can I make it up to you with some snuggles?” He gave me his best puppy-dog look, big eyes and all.

“Yeah,” I smiled, leaning up on my tip-toes to bring my face closer to his.

“Yeah? Pretty girl gonna forgive me for laughing?” He ghosts his lips over mine.

“Only if you give her a kiss.”

“I can do that.”

He presses his lips against mine, and everything feels like it’ll be alright.

Twenty minutes later, there’s a John Mulaney show playing on the television, a bowl of popcorn between us as Calum’s feet tangle with mine. My head rests on his shoulder, his hand on my thigh.

And I’m wearing his hoodie.

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blookmallow · 4 years

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finally made it to the mckamey manor part of dark tourist which was why i started watching it in the first place here goes

( again heres. my previous post going through the fucking waiver for this thing )

I MEAN. YEAH

how exactly is like “we might forcefully rip a tooth out. you might come in direct contact with raw sewage and poisonous bugs/arachnids. we might smash your hands or jam a nail through them. we use water torture, medieval torture devices, you know. standard stuff. you could die probably” pg-13

david points out that he suspects the waiver might be a bluff, and that could be true i guess

maybe he doesn’t really do all that shit but he’s still making you give him permission to do it and there’s the threat that he Might and he Can, i guess, but i dont know. i really dont want to watch his videos and the fact that he would be so smugly happy about it if he knew im afraid to watch them makes me mad lmao

he straight up says he’s using interrogation/torture techniques he learned in the military

he claims its totally safe because no one’s ever died yet and david’s just like

which is true, someone Did have a heart attack, and people Do black out and still get forced to keep going (i saw this happen in the documentary i learned about this place from, ) so like. yeah no one’s died yet but someone’s absolutely going to if he’s allowed to keep doing this with no restrictions

he DOES apparently require medical certification that you’re like. mentally and physically sound and dont have underlying conditions (or at least did require it at the time this was filmed) so theres like. SOME level of background checking to see if his, uh, victims, are likely to be severely damaged mentally or physically by this, but. still, though. STILL, though.

david’s dressed as a dog for some reason and they have to notify the police about this so nobody gets fucking arrested but anyway i am SO FUCKING ANXIOUS WATCHING THIS

hes exactly as incoherent and contradictory as his waiver is so thats reassuring

you’re allowed a safe phrase at the time this was filmed buT APPARENTLY THERE’S A CLAUSE IN THE WAIVER THAT GIVES PERMISSION TO IGNORE IT SO WHY DO YOU EVEN GET ONE....

i dont know if this episode is the same as his standard tour but in this one he doesn’t even have a team with him, it’s literally just russ fucking with you, it’s not the “you get kidnapped and tortured like you’re in your own horror movie” fantasy (which i also dont understand, but theres Some element of it i can see, like, ‘how would i hold up in this situation, what would this experience be like’ is a curiosity i can understand) it’s just. russ yelling at them and it Feels like he’s just taking personal pleasure in it. i dont like it

david backs out pretty much right away, he just gets humiliated and some verbal abuse and really i think the fact that he had the fucking sense to be like “no this isn’t fun this isn’t a situation i want to be in and i need to get out before this goes any further” was. a really good call,

like i dont want to watch this guy’s videos to see exactly how this usually goes down but what im guessing probably tends to happen is he just gets so ramped up on the torture power trip the further you go the harder it probably is to get him to stop it

im honestly shocked he just accepted david’s safe phrase like that but maybe it’s because he knew it was going to be on the show

like the other guy who comes to try it with him is an adrenaline junkie there for the rush but he quits pretty early on too, it’s not the rush of a haunted house, it’s just a horrible experience, even someone who thought he Wanted to be scared like that just ended up quitting and agreeing with the infamous “you don’t want to do this” message

russ insists he does this because he’s An Entertainer, he loves to “entertain” but this isn’t entertainment, the people who do it are not enjoying it and pretty universally back out (if he’ll let them) and regret trying it, the only person being entertained here is himself

i dunno i dont feel like i really learned anything i didnt already know here but im still so bewildered by this whole thing

#liveblog general

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theskyexists · 4 years

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the amazing she-ra 5

i am LOVING this first episode. they’re TRULY the underdogs now. people are hiding with magic. they live in tents. they’ve lost their edge. they’re actually leaning into the horrors of war now

Shadowweaver says OOC stupid things but it doesn’t matter because the princesses shut it down satisfactorily. Adora is weighed down by responsibility in a cool way.

Catra is staking out the enemy and weaseling her way in. (yessss)

‘You don’t need to say it! I know. I made that choice. I’m living with the consequences.’ I LOVE THIS ADORA

I LOVE THIS WRITING. Catra and Glimmer are THE greatest pair ever. Glimmer is smart enough to poke right through Catra’s defenses - and NOW they’re in the same situation - Glimmer says so - and immediately the prison wall fades away - and they’re both invited for dinner. THAT DELICIOUS WRITING

i do love how shadowweaver has been this snarky aunt for two seasons now.

Hord Prime shows us Adora in danger and Catra is like; FUCK YOU ADORA’S MINE (TO DESTROY) !!!!

I love Hord Prime’s wonderfully manipulative dinner. And I love glimmer quietly crying and I love Catra being like HRMMMM I DONT LIKE THIS. the subtle animations are so great - the close-ups

the way Catra speaks to Hord Prime - the way she’s really fuckin scared and the way Hord Prime says ‘little sister’. The way they make him seem unbeatable. I LVOE IT.

AND I LOVE THESE VISIONS FOR ADORA

jezus but how few people really live in etheria ?

the propaganda and the tech to boost prime’s image everywhere....ugh it’s delicious. im also happy Entrapta is back and on the good side instead of helping Catra be a bitch to Adora. and im glad the princesses are wary of her.

hahahaah awww Bo came to give adora breakfast and then he panics when she’s lying on the floor. I ALSO LOVE BO AND ADORA TOGETHER BEST

goddamnit Bo YAH! finally somebody who effectively protects someone from the masses. fuck off micah!

Love the princesses acting on their own - love Scorpia mediating, love mermista stepping up, love Entrapta using her .....intelligence

I love how Hord Prime manipulating Glimmer is used to show us more about his empire.

‘i only want to bring peace’ - but also i destroyed all these worlds. how is that...how is that even surface compatible?? like no attempt is made to align those two things.

wait....the heart of etheria will destroy the universe? why??? why is that the assumption. and why...does Hord Prime want that? i....

the comedy of the princesses doing a mission alone is GREAT

IM SO HAPPY THE PRINCESSES GOT TO HIT ENTRAPTA WHERE IT HURTS. now THIS is the right level of comedy versus hurt

the way scorpia rolled to cover frosta in her bulk!

i love how adora is like - HAH sleep is great actually! wow!!

because of the underlying grievances that we EXPERIENCED as audience, this friendship moment actually LANDS

I REINSTATE MY HOORAY!!! (hahahaha god i love scorpia). oh my god Micah saying he trusts glimmer’s friends to save her - fuckin hell - heart squeeze

LOOK AT THAT SHIT. LOOK AT IT!!! Glimmer being angry at Catra - but then recanting and showing vulnerability. Catra showing vulnerability by acquiescing. GOD!!!

‘why did you do it?’ OH GOD ARRGHGHHG THATS SO FUCKING PAINFUL. why does Catra scratch Adora? Because she doesn’t understand - seems to not make the effort to understand!! because she’s never understood that everybody always hurt her - she never fucking saw when it was right in front of her. THat’s even worse in a way than being hurt.

god the fuckin scale. the planet getting bombarded from space....jezus christ.

theres a hallway with light and dark at the end - its implied she goes into the dark - BECAUSE SHE INTENDS TO HIDE FROM WHO FOLLOWS HER

wow she instantly realises he’s hordak. ha!

Catra is being so open with Glimmer. She’s REALLY REALLY! off balance

they have a talking ritual!!!! THEYRE BONDING ABOUT ADORA BEING A DORK!!!!

Catra realises that nothing she was doing on Etheria had any value to her!!!! I LOVE THIS SEASON SO MUCH

I love how Adora gets to be such a badass dork this season!!!! Bo and Adora + Glimmer and Catra are the BEST COMBINATION

godDAMN they made these clones creepy. damn i LOVE Hord Prime!!!

catra/glimmer......tho.....

she pushes her onto the bed and kneels before her, holding her hands. DUDES. MY DUDES!!!! catra is they gayest cat in existence

‘do one good thing in your life!’ - oh OUCH god, you can feel the whole weight of all the hurt and injustice she’s experienced in ‘dont talk to me like you know me!’

HAHAHAHAHAHAH BO losing his mind and Adora being a hilarious himbo is SO GOOD

I LOVE CATRA’S ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING ADORABLE MEMORY AND HALLUCINATIONS

‘im alway going to be your friend’ - ‘i’ll never say sorry to anybody’ GODDD

‘all i do is hurt people, there’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me’ - a reasonable assumption based on your behaviour except for the fact that Adora has been trying to reach you for 4 FUCKING seasons with hand outstretched

THAT WAS SO FUCKING DRAMATIC I AM IN LOVE !! IN LOVE WITH THEM!!!!

are you fucking SERIOUS - ENTRAPTA MADE AN AB WINDOW IN BO’S SPACE SUIT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

the animation in this goddamn season is CRAZY and INCREDIBLE

I ADORE Catra the self Martyr i ADORE that she’s going to go through the wringer still in Hord Prime’s hands.

THIS SEASON IS WORTH ALL THE REST

are YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME- i HATE THAT SHIT WHY MUST YOU MAR THIS SEASON WITH AN INTERRUPTION OF AN APOLOGY. STOP IT!!! IT’S NOT FUN IT’S NOT SATISFYING IT RUINS THE MOMENT IT WEAKENS THE EMOTION BY DRAGGING IT OUT FUCK!!!!

well i guess that was pretty good with Adora. wish they had made that a little bit longer

i love entrapta. she’s such a perfect element to throw into the mix. and her connections with AI’s are great

that scorpia and swift wind talk is so beautiful. they are also the PERFECT pair. ‘gosh have you ever noticed how many moons we have here? it’s weird.’ HAHAHAHA

they’re visiting a planet that’s been conquered by Prime...

I love how they made Entrapta flirty with her tech ahahahaha

i love how Adora is like: oh??? you’re coming to me??? for emotional advice??? uhhhhhh ok haha nice

I LOVE ADORA

i love swift wind’s drunk history retelling of what’s going on on Etheria - especially his impression of shadowweaver and his batman micah

Bo sure is very bad at forgiveness himself lol

‘well im NOT! running awayy that is. i AM smart’ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i love you adora

Adora spewing all her bullshit about Catra to total strangers ahahaha

this was SUCH amazing teamwork!!!

AND THAT MOMENT OF SHE-RA BEING BACK!!!!

GLIMMER ACKNOWLEDGING SHE MADE A MISTAKE AND THAT BO DESERVES TO BE MAD AND MAYBE THINGS WON’T BE THE SAME AGAIN BUT SHE WON’T STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER AND SHE’LL BE THERE IF HE’S EVER READY

FUCKING TEARS BABEY

jezus christ !! that was good!!! i take it back - it was a stupid interruption (they could have just had Bo respond ‘eh’ at an attempt at apology from glimmer....maybe) but they made the final apology INCREDIBLE

‘i can’t just leave her...’ the voice acting in this is sO GOOD

Catra made her whole plan to keep Adora away from Prime based on the assumption that if Glimmer was in Prime’s hands, then Adora would come to rescue her no matter the danger. So she saved Glimmer. But SHE FAILED TO REALISE THAT ADORA WOULD DO THE SAME FOR HER AHAHAHAHAHAHAA

the amazing thing about these highly tech advanced societies is that none of them have invented security cameras

glimmer getting some ptsd flashes

I KNEW that the heart of etheria was built by the First Ones to fight Hordak. Makes Mara’s decision a bit more ---- hMMMM not as great. Because Hordak has killed countless worlds since!

the hive mind lol. jezus Prime is so terrible.

oh my god the very concepts of Prime when behind a fictional buffer are so archtypically delicious. Catra’s glowy green eyes and full bow. hohhohhohho. that uniform also looks great

so Prime could do this to everyone but he chose to surround himself with clones. goddamn.

oh damn that lean-in, those hands on her neck. hmmmhm. gay

she FLINCHES when Prime lays a hand on her shoulder. DAMN. love it

‘you will give me she-ra’ ---- isn’t that what she’s been offering all along? lol

AND THEN HE LEAVES ADORA WITH A BRAINWASHED CONTROLLED PUPPET CATRA WHO ATTACKS HER

OH ITS SO DELICIOUS

brainwashed Catra is really sexy and disturbing hahahahahaha

this fight is so well choreographed. Catra letting herself almost fall, Adora gathering her into her arms, the scratch across the back, the damn knee into the midriff (OUCH), the dangling her in turn.

‘i always hated that guy in particular - and also all the other guys i hit on the way in.’ LOLOLOLOL

THE CHEEK TOUCH - THE TEARS AND SMILE - THE GREEN EYES AND THE BACKHAND AFJLDJFDSJFLKDSJSDFKSDFJ

‘you’re such an idiot!’

‘yeah! i know!’

I LOVE THEM AAAAAAAAAAAAA ITS SO TRUE AHAHAHAHAHAHAI LOVE THEM

‘im going to take you home’

‘promise?’

NOELLE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME

Adora watches Catra probably die and fall off into a endless pit. JUMPS IN AFTER HER ONE SECOND LATER

Prime really did miscalculate lol - his ship’s been destroyed by one stab at a server.

CATRA ALMOST DYING AND ADORA TRANSFORMING WITH GLOWY EYES GODDAMN!!!! HOLDING CATRA INTO HER ARMS BRIDAL STYLE. NEW OUTFIT!! WALKING INTO THE SHIP LIKE A BOSS. AND HEALS HER. HEY ADORA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE FUCKING

PURRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all the fucking crying is so good

‘I kNOW YOU ALL HATE ME!” ‘I NEVER HATED YOU’ ‘Then you’re dumber than I thought’ HAHAHAHAHA i love how Catra cannot accept Adora’s friendship because she cannot forgive herself. but Adora never fucking gets it because she has the emotional intelligence of a crab!!!! the problem is that Adora is the exact shape of Catra’s heart - which is one big open wound. And if she presses - all she does is cause hurt

Catra is so adorable looking god.....

SPINERELLA AND NETOSSA KISSED!!!!!!!! awwwwwww they’ve been so cute for so long and they only got more and more screentime and Awwwww

Not-Hordak and ‘dehydrated protein slaw’ AhAHAHAHA

how did they find us? UHHH THERES A CHIP IN CATRA’S SPINE????

ADORA TELLING CATRA WHAT’S UP!! YES! Catra in a corner. Catra on her damn KNEES. ADORA BLUSHING AT HOLDING HER HAND

their first impulse is to hold each other at the ship shaking.

CATRA IS BLUSHING LOOKING AT ADORA TRANSFORM

SHE-RA CAN LITERALLY FLY THROUGH SPACE - well. make matter from light, breathe in a vacuum, jumpt from one asteroid to another....

I AM GLIMMER IN THIS: YEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Catra is very lucky that her biggest likely hater is already on her side: glimmer

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPINERELLAAAA. what a fuckin bait and punch goddamn! making them so cute and then foreshadowing it perfectly and then BAM

CATRA IS CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO MESS WITH ADORA BY LITERALLY JUMPING INTO ADORA’S LAP

fjadslkfasdjflkadjfsja

CATRA IS

PURRING

catra is so effortlessly cool sitting in the window sill

i am actually loving that they have a not-Hordak with them. it humanises those clones a lot

this prince has farsight but they NEVER thought to recruit him BEFORE???

FUCKIN - I LOVE how spinerella and netossa have gotten so much more screentime - relevant to the plot and also revealing their characters. i wish we’d got this from the start!

well now i ship perfuma and scorpia lolololol

HAHAHAHAHA i LOVE this Seahawk and Mermista hiding behind a bar because of ex victims skjsfajfklds

Prince Peekabloo has an AMAZING design, but also he must be a fake. IT MUST BE DOUBLE TROUBLE. double trouble has TASTE

MERMISTA LOOKS SO COOL IN THAT OUTFIT - but also especially chipped and in shadows. they do love chipping people’s love interests

SCORPIA SACRIFICING HERSELF TO SAVE PERFUMA. jezus christ so much love interest drama suddenly wow

‘happy anniversary’ that is HEARTBREAKING

what a great ending to a very silly episode. that’s the balance. a last message from the last soldier standing...

‘WHY DOES SPACE HATE ME SO MUCH!?!?!’ hahahahaah

Catra’s fingers shake......

‘take it from somebody who’s defeated you guys, like, a lot’ AAHAHAHA

FINALLY CATRA IS ON THEIR SIDE TO BE THE SMARTS IN TEH ROOM

ADORA LOOKS SO BADASS IN THAT SPACESHIP CHAIR

chipping everyboddy so they’re like zombies was a great story idea.

catra upset at her signs of upset. CUTE

why the FUCK is Adora’s hair out of her spacesuit ahahahahahahaha. IM SO GLAD THAT BO AGREES WITH ME ON THE ADORABLENESS OF CATRAS HELMET HAHAHAHAHAA

catra is happy to see adora laugh again.... : ‘)

CATRA JUST CLAWED THROUGH FIVE CENTIMETERS OF STEEL????!?!?!?!

ADORA IS BLUSHING AAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

I LOVE how Catra is like, WHAT THE FUCK at having lost to these people

Entrapta trying to deal with Wrong-Hordak in existential crisis is a hilarious premise

THE ANGRIER YOU GET THE CUTER YOU ARE!!! I LOVE BO

oh wow! a first ones colony! very cool! this whole planet works against intruders and plays tricks on them. i do like how first ones are definitely like, still imperial shitlords like subtly. i love how Wrong-Hordak has a realisation arc in the background.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS CREEPY

CATRA DISARMED THIS CAT CREATURE WITH HER CUTE SNEEZE AHAHAHAHA

CATRA IS PETTING A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHA EVERY SINGLE THING WE COULD HAVE EVER WANTED IS COMING TRUE

catra is working on not lashing out :’) <= literally adora and also me

Melog is so ADORABLE and imprinted on Catra and LOVES ADORA and AGHGHGHG

I love how Adora can make her eyes glow on command

Castaspella was blushing at Shadowweaver being so close lolololol. wow this is the first time Castaspella has been interesting. ‘and stop me, if i take the power for myself’ i love aunty shadowweaver.

AAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAH WHAT HAHAAHHAAAAHA Catra notices she’s holding Adora’s hand and goes ARGGH and doesn’t just take her hand back but throws it away ahhaahaha. Adora doesn’t even respond. that was so hilarious for some reason.

GLIMMER KISSING CATRA’S CHEEK HELLO??? HELLO?????????

‘is what i would have said before i joined you. go team’ hahahaa

‘you’re wearing hooded cloaks. that’s highly suspicious’ AHAHAHAHAHA fucking meta

I LOVE HOW ADORA IS THE ‘oh god my fuckin friends blowing our cover great’ person here

MELOG IS ALREADY STEALING MUSHROOMS FOR CATRA TO EAT AHAHAHAHA I LOVE THEM

Spinerella and Netossa are so BADASS and i love their fight. it’s so deliciously painful and cool hehehehehe

so the only person im fighting here is!.....my own wife...

I LOVE THEM

spinerella is so op lololol - why did she barely do anything for them when they were still fighting hordak

wrong hordak is so fucking cute ahahahahaha

goddamn that reunion was touching and funny at the same time. and i can actually believe that Prime is having trouble with this slippery team of magic users

I love Netossa’s analysis of the princesses weaknesses. Adora: can’t act to save her life. also extreme hair envy with she-ra

BUT GLIMMER: crippling self-doubt mixed with overwhelming hubris AHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA

OH MY GOD SHE SPRITZED CATRA WITH WATER JFDKLDFWDSFKSDFKJLDSJFJDSFKDSLKFSDLFJLKFLKDJFLKS AHAAHAHAAHA

PERFUMA DON”T BE A BITCH TO CATRA. (even though yeah Catra did treat Scorpia bad) she’s right you need to fuckin go for the neck (this episode is gonna show us that you need to damage the chip AND get through to scorpia and it’s going to take catra and perfuma ofc)

awwwww glimmer and bo.... bo is really worried about his dad :’( . this is the first time ive found myself shipping bo and glimmer.....the way he sighs into her arms, turns his face into her neck. Yes....

AWWW CATRA AND ADORA CHALLENGING EACH OTHER AGAIN AWWWW

BO’S DADS LEFT HIM A CLUE IN A FUCKING DAD JOKE ahahaahahahahaah

perfuma is really getting on my nerves here. ‘we dont throw tanks at our friends’ uhhhh shes trying to kill you. just let perfuma get electrocuted adora

AH THEY FINALLY GIVE AN ORIGIN STORY FOR ‘GRAYSKULL’! ha! i do love how they keep elaborating on the First Ones as tyrants as well

hmm perfuma was right i guess. i didnt really like that development. urgh god perfuma is so grating lol..

i wonder how shadowweaver and catra are gonna....deal with each other....

hah. shadowweaver tries to weasel in with Adora again. but Adora won’t stand for it again....

Melog literally acts out Catra’s emotions and jumps adora playfully. hehehehe

shadowweaver is such a fucking bitch. i wonder if we’ll ever get her to admit guilt or apologise

no adora. you have to fucking defend catra to shadowweaver. THAT is what you have to do now that you can!

SHE JUST JUMPED INTO FIRE FOR ADORA

shadowweaver preying on Adora and Catra again goddddd. let this be an episode in which they finally shuck her off. Adora fucking THINK, the only reason you could transform in the first place was BECAUSE of Catra.

YEAHHHHH CATRA!!!!!!!! GETTING ALL THE INFO BEFORE ADORA GETS MANIPULATED INTO SOMETHING SHE DIDN’T CHOOSE. naturally she still chooses to do it.

Melog lies half on top of Adora while Catra watches her.... god fuckin hell Melog being an extension of Catra’s feelings is so fucking AMAZING

holy FUCK that confrontation. (i love how every confrontation between adora and catra starts in roughhousing - their language is extremely physical). this is the softer version of catra’s and adora’s dynamic. Catra loves Adora and she wants Adora to choose HER, LIFE WITH HER. ‘what do you want?’ (WHAT ABOUT ME??) But Adora always chooses some higher hero purpose over her. and she doesn’t want to watch Adora die....

‘i dont have to watch it happen...’

god fuckin hell this season.

shadowweaver BELIEVES that she did the right things - of course. and that’s fascinating. and I love that Adora finally totally truly was like: YOU RUIN PEOPLE AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. fuck yeah!

so when was the moment that Adora couldn’t become she-ra anymore? think it’s when she lost track of Catra....

I love Melog - I love how Catra cannot hide from her feelings anymore - at all.

the way glimmer asks adora ‘are you scared?’ ugh MY HEART

i love martyrs. i fucking LOVE martyrs.

oh my god hallucination Catra touching foreheads with Adora.....

EVERYTIME Glimmer just straight up shows Catra affection? that’s some good shit. i thought we were gonna have Glimmer going after Catra for her mother’s death at one point but no....not at all. and i dont mind it

GLIMMER SAID I LOVE YOU TWICE TO BO AND THEN BO SAID IT BACK AND KISSED HER DSFKSDLBJDS FOREHEAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MARA!!!

the fights this season have been SO! GOOD!

i love how they’ve set up that Glimmer is a fucking POWERHOUSE. she can turn the tide of battle in a blink!

naturally they pit Micah against Glimmer. jfc this poor family....

there is something important about Prime not remembering Mara....

SHE BEAT MICAH SHE BEAT HIM!!!! WALKING RIGHT THROUGH HIS STORM OF DARK MAGIC.

SCORPIA CRADLED BO LIKE A BABY

SHADOWWEAVER SAVING CATRA? FOR ONCE???? FOR ONCE CHOOSING CATRA OVER POWER????? FUCK THAT’S CATHARTIC EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY TO GET ADORA TO THE HEART

catra has such a soft heart really. she still, after everything, loves shadowweaver. god....

SHE SAID SHE WAS PROUD OF CATRA. SHE --- SHE - SHE SACRIFICED HERSELF. GOD THE VOICEACTING FOR CATRA WHEN SHE - ADORA FALLING TO HER KNEES. THEIR PSEUDO MOTHER... AGHLDJDWFJJDSLF

FUCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk

EVERY SINGLE LINE IS SO GOOD, so well-acted. the ‘im ready’ the way she says ‘catra’ like she can’t take anything anymore

i couldn’t write anything for the whole rest of that i was just covering my mouth with my hands

The fuckiN KISS! the look of PURE LOVE on ADoRA”S FACE

which in the back of my head - they cannot actually cut that in any way - it’s impossible to cut

adora with those blue eyes in the blaze, the magic is beautiful adora excising prime from hordak’s mind (WOW), adora and catra touching foreheads and the slight PURR you can hear, adult bo and glimmer (lookin so nice), adult catra (LOOKING SO HANDSOME in her prom-y outfit,) Glimmer chasing Catra, just, GOD, THE UTENA FUCKING REFERENCE, the way they say they love each other, my GOD, Scorpia being like woah perfuma you look nice, MY GOD MY GOD MY GOD THEM GOING TO SPREAD MAGIC TO THE UNIVERSE GOD!!!!!!

every single thing in this season was worth 4 seasons of enjoyable, entertaining, interesting, frustrating and meh. WOAH! WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#she ra #i have been BLOWN! AWAY!!! EVERYTHING WAS WORTH IT #my stuff #vidi #THiS WAS AN EXPERIENCE #OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

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all-hail-the-witcher · 4 years

Text

every book i had to read for english and why i didn't like any of them

i woke up thinking about this and decided to make this post. for context, i went to public school and was on the honors/ap track for english. i am a firm believer that english teachers ruin books for their students inadvertently. this is my experience:

6th grade language arts

we read three books during 6th grade, bridge to terabithia, the cay, and where the red fern grows. and i had to read a wrinkle in time over the summer which i didn't understand like at all so I'm just gonna skip that one honors english was not a thing until 8th grade where i went to middle school so this was a regular english class and i hated it. it was also a double period class for some reason, so i had an hour and a half of language arts every day.

it took us half the year to read bridge to terabithia. i am not kidding. that book is like maybe 100 pages and it took us a good 4-5 months. this is because our teacher stopped us every time we got to a pice of figurative language and made us analyze it. every. single. piece. i got so bored that i read ahead and then got in trouble for reading ahead. needless to say, i absolutely detested bridge to terabithia and would not touch it to this day if my life depended on it.

after bridge to terabithia we read the cay. this took us the rest of the year. the cay is a relatively short book as well so i got bored with this one quickly as well. i really dont remember much about the discussions, but i remember a long one about how the cover was “inaccurate,” which, yes, it was but i dont know if a bunch of 11 and 12 year olds need to spend a week debating that. i think i hated it mostly because, again, we read it for 5 months.

the last three weeks of the school year, our teacher gave us a book and said “here read this before school ends because we have to read three books a year and we only read 2″ (for context, the other language arts class had read about 5-7 books that year and found it insane that we were “still reading bridge to terabithia”) so i read where the red fern grows. all in all it wasn't a bad book, i did kind of enjoy it, but since i was rushed reading it on top of all my other homework and because it was definitely ahead of my reading comprehension level, it wasn't my favorite.

7th grade language arts

now, a bit of a disclaimer here, this was the year that i was in language arts with the guy i had a crush on and one of my close friends at the time. so, i didn't really pay that much attention to begin with. we read quite a few books in this class, but I'm not sure if i remember all of them. again, this was a double period.

i think the first book we read was freak the mighty. i remember not liking this book because i felt like i was missing something. there was definitely some kind of metaphor or something in there that i was supposed to get but because i was literally twelve i didn't get it and i didn't find the meaning in it. theres nothing more frustrating than reading a book that you dont understand.

after that I'm pretty sure we read the wave. it was explained to us that the wave is supposed to symbolize how the n*zis came to power and all that stuff, and while we all knew this, i dont think we really Understood it. (probably because we were 12). we all kinda saw it as a joke and thought it was funny. i think that if i read it now i would be like. “well shit this is really interesting” but 12 year old me wanted to make fun of it with the rest of my class.

i think we read seed folks next. this was another book that just went over all of our heads. its about how a garden changes a whole bunch of peoples lives which is like, super interesting. but none of us got it and were like “lol this is stupid” so much so that we actually stopped reading it. like my teacher stopped having us read it.

I'm fairly certain the last book we read was the miracle worker. a lot of us had had to read parts of it before that class so we were all kinda familiar with it already. i vaguely remember some kind of obnoxious class joke about the book that was probably rude. i remember finding it interesting, but there were so many activities we did about the book that i lost interest.

8th grade honors reading

this class was A Trip. i liked the teacher, but she was a little out there. its unclear whether she got fired or just didn't come back after that year. i had a lot of fun in her class but it was usually because we all bonded over hating the assigned reading.

i dont remember what order we read the books in and i dont remember if this was all of them, but to the best of my recollection this is what we read

we definitely read romeo and juliet. by the time you're in 8th grade, everyone knows the story of romeo and juliet, so it wasn't like that suspenseful or a surprise or anything. but we had to act the reading out. yes we had to act out romeo and juliet. with burger king crowns. and wrapping paper swords. clearly the teacher was trying to have fun with us, and it was fun fun for awhile but it got old. especially when you got participation points taken off your grade if you didn't read for once of the characters (which is massively unfair because not everyone wants to get up in front of a class in a paper crown holding a wrapping paper tube and read in old english when you're 13 but whatever).

we also definitely read animal farm. it was another book that went right over our heads (or, mine at least). i didn't actually really understand it until i had to read the communist manifesto for ap euro senior year. and our teacher talked in a bad russain accent the entire time? i could barely keep the characters straight, let alone analyze the underlying message and all that. now i might actually like it since I'm a history major and have a decent background on the russian revolution, but at 13? no thanks.

the one book that everyone hated (including the teacher herself) was farewell to manzanar. it was a memoir about a young girl growing up in the japanese internment camps and looking back on her life and stuff like that. the story itself was very interesting and we all learned a lot from it. but the person who wrote it did not know how to write. it was confusing, some chapters made no sense, and none of us generally knew what was going on. we had to finish the book because we were the honors class, but the regular class got to stop after chapter 6.

i think we only read 4 books that year and the fourth one was the outsiders. this was one of two books that i actually liked the entirely of my public school education. i kinda vibed with it when we were reading it and then i vibes with it more once i got to high school and rediscovered it. it was just a good book, pretty solid, good themes, fantastic.

9th grade honors english

i absolutely hated this class. hands down the worst teacher i ever had. she was one of those that should have retired 20 years ago but was still teaching for some reason. and she hated kids. legitimately. that was the first time i got a c and it took my parents a long time to realize that it wasn't because of me, it was because the teacher was absolute shit. the only thing that made that class bearable was the fact that my friend was in there and so was this guy that totally like her so he would flirt with her pretty incessantly and it was Hilarious.

we read so many books that year and i hated all of them. a lot of them were like greek dramas and plays? like we read oedipus rex and julius caesar and antigone. and i hated all of them because the teacher made me hate reading and made it seem like a chore.

by far the worst was the old man and the sea. i hated that book, hemingway was terrible. i struggled to find any kind of meaning in it and connected all of my responses to the bible because my teacher loved it when people did that.

we read inherit the wind and to kill a mockingbird and all quiet on the western front which were the only books i found remotely interesting. but i still hated them because i knew that we would have to do her reading quizzes which were impossible so it was pointless to read the book anyway.

and we also read a raisin in the sun. i dont remember what this was even about except that there was some kind of insurance money involved. but by this point we were all really done with our teachers shit and my one friend legitimately said during class “but, ms. [name] if you put a raisin in the sun, doesn't it just get more raisiny?”

10th grade ap english language and composition (american lit)

i loved this class and the teacher but i hated all the assigned reading because we read it for the ap test. everything you read was in the context of having to find themes and shit to write about on the ap. so i didn't really get any of the books for that reason. i think we only read three and they were the scarlet letter, the crucible, and the great gatsby. i kind wish i paid more attention to gatsby and i think i would like it more now but at the time i detested it. we also had to read grapes of wrath over the summer and i hated that. i wanna read books to read them, not to come into school and write essays on them. also the ending was weird and i hated it.

11th grade honors (british lit)

another bad year of english, not quite as bad as freshman year, but still bad. still hated it. i outlined many fics in that class. the teacher did not like me and i did not like her. she also talked in this weird fake almost british but not quite accent that sometimes still haunts my nightmares. she was also one of those backwards feminists who claims they're a feminist but still was sexist in her favorites and the way that she treated people in the class?? after english i had math and my friend (the same girl who said the thing about raisins freshman year) and some others would complain to our math teacher about our english teacher. math was essentially a support group for english where we would discuss answers to reading checks.

over the summer we read 1984, which, cool concept (esp right now) but i hated knowing that i had to find some kind of deep meaning in it because i was going to have to write an essay on it as soon as i came back to school.

from there i think we read beowulf which was interesting. i dont know if we actually read the whole thing or just excerpts but again, i hated looking for meaning.

we read a tale of two cities which was like the one book i actually wanted to read because i am a huge fan of the shadow hunters book serieses and will and tessa quote that book all the time. i think if i had read it to read it it would have been better but first, dickens is wordy and weird and second i dont really wanna have to search out symbolism while I'm reading because its required.

we read macbeth, which i just didn't like. idk why. i just kinda thought it was stupid. i dont really have an explanation for this one. i think it was because we read it in the old english and that confused me a lot of the time.

and we read jane eyre. the only thing i remember from jane eyre was “pathetic fallacy” which is where the mood of the scene is reflected in the weather. i dont wanna dissect a book like that. and also my teacher referred to the book as “jane” but she said it “jAAYYneeE” which was annoying.

12th grade ap lit

dear god. this class. i had issues with this class. our teacher was something. everyone was afraid of him. e v e r y o n e. he ran detention and didn't know how to match his clothes and wore skinny ties. he had three swell bottles the he would bring with him to school every day. people claimed he used to be in a rock band and that was why his voice was so high pitched and weird. some said his wife left him, others said he had a kid. we were genuinely confused by him. he didn't teach, he yelled at you for doing things wrong without giving any instructions on how he actually wanted it done. he made college out to be some big scary thing where we would all be trampled. but mostly, he was an existentialist.

we had to read song of solomon over the summer. i hated it. i didn't hate it because of the messages and all that stuff, no the book itself was good and toni morrison is a great author. i just hated the fact that there was graphic description of incest, necrophilia, or sex at least once every 5-10 pages. i didn't wanna read that. and it turned me off the book. so when he asked us if we liked the book when the year started i said no and i argued with him about it. and he hated me for the entire year.

next i think we read waiting for godot. which was absolutely terrible. its literally a play where nothing happens. it would have been funny except that i knew i was gonna have to write an essay on it. how do you write an essay on a play where nothing happens? literally all of our discussions about it were about existentialism and it was terrible.

we read the metamorphosis, which everyone hated cause it could have been written in like 4 sentences. and our teacher thought he was So Clever for assigning it to us. he thought it was the biggest joke. and he went on and on about how its about existentialism and blah blah. the book would have been funny had he not only discussed it in regards to existentialism.

i think next was hamlet. i would have like hamlet had we not discussed it only through the lens of existentialism. its a good play, but i hated it because of the way he talked about it. even now, i only like it to make fun of the way he liked it. my friend and i send hamlet memes to each other all the time but only cause they remind us of our teacher.

one flew over the cuckoos nest. the second and final book that i actually liked my entirety of school. i dont know why i liked it, but it was just a good book. our teacher also had some kind of weird cowboy trope thing that he thought mcmurphy fell under which i thought was hilarious. the essay i wrote on that book was the only one he wrote “nice job” on and i still have it somewhere

my friend claims that we also read the stranger. i dont really remember what that book was about except some guy shot some people. there was definitely something in it that i didnt get.

anyway in conclusion required reading ruins books. when i told my creative writing advisor that i out of all the books i read for school i only like the outsiders and one flew over the cuckoos nest she was like “yeah, english teachers really ruin books for students”

#this is a very long post #saph screams #english #books n shit #english teachers are so hit or miss #and even if they're good teachers #that doesn't mean that you'll like the books

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