#and even at the worst i was like 'ok i'm clearly having a panic attack it's not nice but it's gonna be ok'

[thesmokinpossum]

Didn't felt like mentioning it immediately but shoutout to my sick and twisted brain for getting so triggered by an unexpected Christmas parade that I ended up havin the absolute worst panic attack of my entire life (potentially the only real one? I've had a couple other episodes I thought of as panic attacks but they were not even close to that so who knows) to the point where I spent the very last day of my 30th year on this earth in the ER, good times, good times 😊

[helpfandom]

ELLO ITS ME @yandere-plague

OK so like I've had this idea for a story for so long and-

Okay so handsome dad is your dad and Nisha is your mom.

BUT Nisha, realising she's pregnant she ditches you somewhere on Pandora.

Another BUT some people from Lynchwood take you in.

So you grow up in Lynchwood and for plot reasons Nisha recognises you. She doesn't kill you but you know she hates you (you have no idea who your parents are)

Randomly you wake up on Helios. Then the fucking hyperion ceo walks in with some doctor and there're like. "Yup they are your kid"

You and Jack just stare at eachother in shock (and horror)

You are obviously scared shitless because you know he will throw you out of an airlock if you do so much as breathe wrong.

But then surprisingly he acts like such a nice dad to you even though you are literally having a panic attack just seeing him in person.

Idk if you want to write for this or something but 🤷‍♀️

I'm so happy I spent like 3 minutes stimming and jumping because it's you! I love your writing, and to have one of my favourite people ask me, ME? for something?

Fun Fact! My longest post in Borderlands is Zane Flynt. Something I wrote as a tribute. To YOU [with 1,049 words] Anyway-

Ask, and ye shall receive.

TW: for Handsome Jack shenanigans, mentions of S3X, Handsome Jack, Perhaps a OOC Nisha, because I didn't play Nisha in Presequel, nor did I know she was in BL2. Allusions to abortion or miscarriage.

It had been a great night between the two that, to be quite honest, they both enjoyed, but unfortunately, Jack happened to have gotten her pregnant.

She was quite disappointed, especially since she got herself roped into giving birth to you rather than trying other methods. So, she gave birth, and then promptly left you in the middle of the road, hoping perhaps a skag wouldn't go hungry that night, or maybe someone who could actually care for you would show up before the animals arrived.

And with that out of the way, onto the real headcanons.

There had been some rumblings of a bandit finding something of importance, something that could help, something they could train. Perhaps it was a new animal for Nisha to hunt, or maybe- She pauses, looking at you, you who had tears in your eyes, clearly scared out of your mind, and yet she still couldn't muster up enough sympathy to care for you. Not when she tried to get rid of you.

So you spend most of your life being trained by psychos and bandits and always wondering why Nisha hated you, why she would glare at you every time you dared to be around her, even with all that you put into being the best there is, the best in Lynchwood, maybe even the best shooter that you could possibly be, and yet the only reaction she will ever have to you is just anger, and disdain.

As you get older, you begin to notice that the worst tasks, the deadliest tasks are sent to you first. Is this because she wants to test you, or because she wants to kill you? You can see in her face the hatred she has at you coming back that it clearly wasn't to test you.

At some point in your teenager years, you begin to stop caring about what she wants from you, what you think she desires from you in order to be seen as something more.

And eventually, she just sells you off to Handsome Jack in order to have him postpone his attack on Lynchwood ever so slightly by giving up the best bandit they have.

So as you sit in a car, wondering where Nisha is sending you off when you arrive at a place with the name Hyperion? Does Nisha want you to take them down from the inside, perhaps?

And yet as you're escorted to a room with a doctor and someone- IS THAT THE REAL HANDSOME JACK? The doctor mumbles something to THE REAL HANDSOME JACK-HOLYSHITHOLYSHIT AM I GOING TO DIE HERE? He turns and faces you, looking at you head on, and then walking towards you with open arms, clearly he must mean to attack, right? He HUGS you?

All the while Nisha hates that she misses you, hates the fact that she kind of liked you? Even though you're a reminder of all that she hates in life, she likes the fact that you tried so hard.

Handsome Jack doesn't care about you at first, only thinking of how this could make him look better or how to use this against his Exes. He could gloat to Moxxi how he can take better care of his child[ren] or how much better it is with him to Nisha. All in all, he doesn't truly care about you till later.

As he notices that you flinch at every little thing, he finds it annoying, he wouldn't hit you unless you need it, and you're his kid, so why do you expect him to hurt you?

That's when he realizes that you don't know about Jack nor Nisha being your parent, so all that you've seen is the one person you look up to hate you, and his own reputation coming back to bite him in the ass.

So he drops the ball onto you.

Of course, this is such a surprising revelation that makes everything make sense, but you can't believe it, after all, would you really go as far as trying to kill your own child?

Yes. They both would.

Besides the fact, you then spend most of your days following the revelation staying alone, processing all that happened, becoming your own kind of therapist in a sense.

And because Jack wants to use you just as Nisha did, he drags you out, slowly becoming attached to you, because who wouldn't become attached to a hobby?

Needless to say, they both intend to use you for what they can, then drop you, but end up becoming attached to you.

[nizomnas]

Spoilers for Inside Out 2

So I watched Inside Out 2.

And what can I say. I cried.... a lot.

As a person who has anxiety too, this film has a really big meaning for me. I could relate to Anxiety the whole time.

Just a little bit of information. I have Hashimoto's disease. It's an autoimmune disease that kind of fucks your whole emotional world. You're more prone to depression and anxiety. That's not to say that I'm "much worse affected than others without the disease." I wish everyone who suffers from depression and anxiety a lot of strength and love.

Back to the actual topic.

All these What If "overthinking" scenarios that buzz around in your head day in, day out. These thoughts about whether you're good enough, whether you're worth it. This film clearly has the message

"Don't pretend, be yourself and don't put yourself under so much pressure."

Pressure is the worst thing you can do to yourself. The pressure to always do everything right, the pressure from society that also weighs on you.

My mum always says:

"Other children want to climb a tree and their only thought at that moment is how to get up the tree. "

"I, on the other hand, am the kind of person who, before climbing a tree, thinks about the best way to get down unharmed. "

(I hope that makes sense I guess ?)

What I'm getting at is that I'm way ahead of many people when it comes to my thinking, as I always think two steps ahead and therefore tend to overthink. Ergo, like Anxiety, I'm constantly stressed. (I'm definitely not saying that I'm better than others!)

I nibble on my fingernails and scratch old wounds all the time because I'm nervous. My best friend bought us a friendship necklace which I abuse as a nibbling necklace.

I felt understood the whole time I was watching the film. Many people don't understand that and say half-heartedly "don't stress yourself out so much" or "you need to calm down". Easier said than done

I have experienced many bad things in my past that have left their mark on me. Everyone is shaped by things in their life. Whether it's good or bad varies from person to person. This film made me feel understood.

I particularly liked the part where Riley had this panic attack. Ok wow that sounds really mean and nasty. But that was the first moment I cried. Anxiety was no longer in control. The doubts and bad feelings took over. She didn't know what to do, she panicked. She knew what she had done wrong. She never wanted anything bad. She only ever wanted the best for Riley.

And that's what Anxiety actually wants to do. Protect us from worse. In the film, they described Fear as "Fear protects Riley from danger". That's what Anxiety wants to do. Anxiety just doesn't know how. Anxiety wants to protect us from bad experiences in life, which is why we think about it and "ruin" the whole situation. And that only makes things worse in the end. Anxiety hurts us even though it wants the opposite.

I think it's nice that they didn't portray anxiety as "pure evil". I loved how they tried to reassure anxiety. To tell her "everything will be fine. Calm down and concentrate on the here and now. " that was the moment I cried for the second time and what? Cried for maybe 5 minutes straight?

We shouldn't be too hard on ourselves. We should try to make the best of every situation. But above all, we should always remain ourselves and not be someone we don't want to be.

[hoperays-song]

Sing 1 Commentary and Review Pt. 2

Welcome back to the madness loves!!! Also, I tried to tone down the commentary so I get further in the movie this time (I say while making at ton of random comments at the restaurant. Is this an elaborate plan to distract me from my fic being with my beta reader? Yes! Am I using it for content? Also yes! Enjoy!

---------------------------

Eddie is just like me in the last months of school fr fr.

Mood, chicken. Mood.

✨Deja Vu.✨

We get to see Buster's expenses list! He's bought two sandwiches and cookies, but I'm way more interested in where in the world he found printer ink for only $15!!!

Actually, I am a 100% sure that is not how prosthetic eyes work.

Top ten anime moments before disaster (could apply to like 99% of this movie tbh).

(Don't have a screen shot but update: The Lance puntable moments counter is now at 6.)

Ok, Johnny having to jump to reach the door handle is adorable. He's so small. Like it's obvious one of his family members opened it so they can clearly reach that, and yet Johnny's over here channeling his inner bouncy ball to reach.

Friendly reminder that at this point, we have no proof of Johnny's dad disapproving of a music career besides Johnny hiding the flyer. So I'm sticking with my theory that he has no problem with it and never has, Johnny's just terrified of disappointing him (starting strong with the queer allegory here aren't we?) and how his dad sees him changing.

RIP Rosita's house phone. You will be missed.

(PS: If anyone makes or has made a gif of Buster poking his head out of his drawer like a meerkat right before the auditions start, please send it to me, it just is so cute and yet so so goofy.)

His first reaction was to succeeding call Eddie, that's bloody adorable.

ICON. THE ICON HAS LANDED. EVERYONE BOW DOWN TO THE ICON, GUNTER.

OK OK OK, ADORABLE HEADCANON. Some of Rosita's kids have skateboards guys. Like after they meet Johnny, they beg him to teach them tricks and how to skate better and he does. They follow him around the skatepark like duckings.

They are the mother-son duo of the series, just look at them, so cute!

The lesbians are back + a rare sighting of a 13 year old who says "bro" all day.

The face of "I'm gonna become a father figure to a scary teenager wether she agrees to this or not".

Lance puntable moments counter: 8

Writer 1: Hey, which kid should we call the rebel?

Writer 2: I was thinking Johnny.

Writer 1: Oh! You mean the kid who actively told his dad when he was leaving to singing auditions and came back within a reasonable amount of time?

Writer 2: Yeah, that's the one!

But seriously, he doesn't even sneak out. He legit tells his dad when he leaves that he's leaving. He doesn't say the location of where he's going but still, worst rebel of the century. He doesn't even have to sneak out!

Also, Marcus and him are clearly close enough and Marcus trusts Johnny enough for him to leave to go who knows where for hours at a time. They're nice to each other and (besides the singing instead of robbing bit) they seem to communicate with each other really well. Father-son duo of the year everyone.

I completely forgot Rosita was stuck in line behind Mike. The poor thing. Rosita, you have my sympathies.

Who is this and what have the done with the evil mouse man???

Also... Mike puntable moments counter: 9

This is giving me Toddlers & Tiaras flashbacks. 😬

The bestest boy. So awkward, so sweet, such wet cat stumbling over it's own feet energy.

Mike, this is what NOT to do when a teenager is having a panic attack. I feel so bad for Meena here, really, She did not deserve Mike being an absolute tosser in the slightest.

Also... Mike puntable moments counter: 17 (I don't like bullies)

Hat Man!!!

I completely forget that four whole members of the troupe were not first round picks. Johnny, Rosita, Gunter, and Meena all were either picked second, afterwards, or fell into the role eventually. Buster did not originally plan on having Johnny and Meena in the singing competition at all even.

Number 1 supportive boyfriend right there, love him.

Ok, this moment. This is the exact moment where Eddie suggests that Buster and him do something together instead of the theatre. His exact words are "i don't know, maybe we could do something together."

... Look at that face. There is no heterosexual explanation for saying that with that face.

Eddie coming in with the best "my boyfriend's gonna be in jail by the end of this" expression of all time.

Yeah... Marcus, Stan, and Barry definitely know that Johnny wants to be a singer. They definitely know he was going to the theatre. Why you ask? BECAUSE IT WAS ON THE BLOODY NEWS!!!

Lance... what to say here? Oh yeah!

Lance puntable moments counter: 14

Street saxophone players, attention please. DO NOT DO THIS. This is how you get pepper sprayed! 😊

Look at my boys!!! Planning a robbery as a family! Bonding! I'm so proud of them. <3

Also, in the plan they deliberately state they're avoiding the guards entirely. So no, they were never canonically violent until the second movie and that was in self defense. They don't hurt the people they're stealing from. They are genuinely good people and absolutely were non violent offenders.

---------------------------

Ok ok, more self restraint with the screenshots next time, I know. Be right back! - <3 Gooseless

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

OK EVERYONE WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE BULLSHIT I'VE GONE THROUGH THIS WEEK

I've talked to some of y'all but yeah it's fucking insane.

So two days ago, I got my essay back. And it was flagged, because they thought I was cheating. They thought I was using AI.

I got extremely anxious, sad, mad, and confused. Because I have never used AI. Everything in that essay is my own words. If there's something that is ”weird” in it… then guess what! That’s on me! Maybe I misinterpreted a text! But I cited everything, quoted, put page references… everything has been backed up.

I’m gonna have a meeting next week where I’m gonna basically ”tell my side of the story”, and then they’ll decide if they will see it as cheating or not.

Then my class’s group chat suddenly blew up, when one person wrote ”hey… did you also get a weird message from the teacher about your essay?” and everyone replied ”I thought it was only me! I have a meeting next week!” ”Yep! They thought I was cheating!”

Several people talked about how they got panic attacks, how they got afraid this would lead them to become suspended and lose their student loans. Only to then hear that every other person has gotten this same message, meaning that it CLEARLY has to do with the school’s correcting system or with the teacher doing something wrong…

Some people had also done some make-up works if they missed a seminar, which was smaller texts on around 100 words. Everyone that had done make-up works for that very teacher had also gotten back that ”your text is shallow and looks like AI” (Yeah it’s 100 words??? Of course it’s shallow??)

We all wondered, doesn’t the teacher find it odd that EVERY SINGLE PERSON has gotten the same message? That everyone has apparently ”cheated”? We also found out that another class she has also all of them have gotten the same message. And this teacher conveniently WENT ON VACATION directly after this so we can’t contact her (it was a planned vacation since beforehand but it was terrible timing).

These things do not happen! There’s an avarage line. Let’s say there’s a class of 25 people. On normal, around 5 get the highest grade level, around 17-18 pass on different levels and then maybe 2-3 fail. My class is 11 people. What are the odds that EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US. Has been accused of cheating?

We have went to complain on the student board, and they’ve had a meeting with our insitute’s study principal. Today me and 4 other people went to the study principal and went through with our complaints.

We talked about how odd this is, how we want answers and also how we feel like we’ve lost our trust with this teacher now. The study principal was like ”oh don’t feel that! She has nothing against you, she’s just correcting your essays!”

But the worst thing she said... was that even if it turns out we did not cheat... all of us have still failed and will now have to do a re-exam.

ALL OF US HAVE FAILED BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT WE CHEATED. AND WILL STILL MAKE A RE-EXAM EVEN THOUGH IT TURNS OUT WE HAVE NOT CHEATED.

We are now trying to find a way to complain and try to make them reread our essays. We also have "individual meetings" next thursday and we have talked if we should just go everyone at once. Why should we have to have it alone?!

So yeah. This has all really been taken on our mental healths, to be wrongfully accused of this, and the school does not seem to find it odd?! Some people as I mentioned literally got panic attacks over it, today when we informed everyone else that everyone will have to take a re-exam, some even had to go out to cry for a moment. I'm so tired, and I just wanna focus on my fics and art and watch silly shows and not deal with this shit.

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

S/O secretly enrolls their skeleton boyfriend to a Mister Universe Monster contest. He has nothing to do, everything is judged on videos. Somehow, the TV animator announces on live TV he wins the contest and is now consider the sexiest monster alive. They learn about this watching the show. Reaction?

Undertale Sans - He looks at you, mouth wide open. How... How do you reverse that? He doesn't want to be a living fantasm for every monster and humans?! How the hell did he even win? I mean, he can't even eat fries without putting ketchup on his shirt. Sans is having a panic attack. He's hyperventilating and frantically sending texts to Frisk to "PLEASE RESET." "I'M BEGGING YOU." "I CAN'T DO THAT." "THIS IS WORST THAN ALL THE GENOCIDES YOU DID, YOU CAN'T LET ME SUFFER LIKE THIS." His new life is hell. Every monster can't stop laughing at him because, really, how the hell did that happened? And all the humans want to be friends with him, and there's cameras everywhere he's going. He wants this to end, omg. Also, he's mad at you for enrolling him without asking him if he wanted to even do that, which obviously: HE DIDN'T.

Undertale Papyrus - "OH WOWIE, THAT SKELETON IS SURE LUCKY. IT'S ALSO VERY FUNNY HOW MUCH HE LOOKS LIKE ME. COINCIDENCES ARE INCREDIBLE SOMETIMES." Oh, he perfectly saw it's him. He's just in denial. Because this is too great to be real, and he knows these things only happen in TV shows, not in real life. Until someone knocks at the door to give him a crown and interview him. Papyrus is looking at you, straight in the eyes, screaming "S/O WHAT THE FUCK" silently while you're chuckling and cheering him. Now, he's a bit in bewilderment at first, but he loves his new popularity. It was such a nice gift.

Underswap Sans - ???? He looks at you, clearly in shock. His house is full of cameras, everyone is congratulating him for some reason and he doesn't understand??? The man was literally on his police officer shift and went home like 10 minutes before everyone started to scream around him. He is confused. Once he realised, he is a bit flattered though. It's good for his huge ego and he is actually quite proud of the title. He will ask to S/O to never do that again without his consent though. This is the weirdest thing that ever happened to him.

Underswap Papyrus - He faints on the couch. This is way too much for poor Honey. He can't take all the sudden pressure and the fact his phone is buzzing every second really doesn't help. He's not taking the news very well. He spend the night crying on the floor begging you to wake him up of this nightmare as all the cameras are filming him, asking him to faint again because drama makes more audience. Please just let him alone! He doesn't want to be on TV. He can't even talk to the shopkeeper of his small village, why the hell do you think he would be ok talking to millions of people???

Underfell Sans - He is surprised, and quickly get defensive. What the hell you mean he won a beauty contest? Is this some kind of prank? He doesn't like the fact there's so many humans in his house, all gawking at him. But man, he's also a very big tsundere. He acts like he hates it and all, but then the humans are all praising him and says he's georgeous and that his fans loves him and he's like "who told you could stop, continue talking about what they said about me". He's maybe enjoying this a bit more than what he lets appear. Also, his little tail is wagging, even if he tries so hard to not let anyone see.

Underfell Papyrus - Well, of course he is the sexiest monster alive. It's time everyone notices. How could humans and monsters live so well without aknowledging how wonderful and sensual he is. He is clearly the alpha male here and he's glad everyone finally notice and gives him credit for it. He wants to be everywhere, on every wall of the city, on any screen he can. All eyes must be on him. Well, this is what he's telling himself. When asks what he thinks of his victory, the only thing that gets out of his mouth is a very incoherent burble as he has too much pressure on his shoulders. He becomes an Internet meme in two seconds. His career is ruined.

Horrortale Sans - ... what. No, no he doesn't want this. He closes the door and goes back to watch TV. The crowd is wondering what to do since, you know, he's not coming back. S/O tried to convince him, but Oak said "no" and didn't move, and he's so big they can't really force him to move. He doesn't want to be a celebrity, he's good in his little life in his little farm with his little brother and his little animals. Fuck that.

Horrortale Papyrus - He is VERY uncomfortable. He doesn't say anything to you because he is very scared right now. People are preparing him for an interview, and he doesn't even know what he is supposed to do! Willow doesn't really like himself, and he's terrified because now everyone thinks he is georgeous, but he doesn't even think that about himself, and he hates the feeling. He's hurt S/O entered him without even telling him when they know how bad is his relationship to his body, and this doesn't help him at all to feel more confident. He might even break with S/O later, because this is the worst day of his life, and he feels like a giant clown everyone will laugh at for a year.

Swapfell Sans - Uh... He looks at you, knowing straight you're responsible for this. He tries to act natural, and shows the cameras around, being the perfect host. As the hours passes though, he realises he's enjoying this more and more, mostly because he can do free publicities for his jewalry on live TV and everyone is actually watching and drinking any of his words. He's even more ecstatic when his phone starts buzzing hysterically as people are fighting over his creations. Man, this is the best day of his life. He's going to be rich and popular. Also, he gets used really quickly to be a fantasm to everyone, as, of course, humans and monsters should adore his body. He is truly superior to all of them. What a time to be alive.

Swapfell Papyrus - He knew actually. You both entered him because you thought the fact he could win was hilarious. You only send dumb videos of him walking on wheels and doing sexual wiggles to the camera. When Rus is designed as the champion, you both looks into each other eyes and then bursts out laughing. You're wheezing so hard you can't breathe. Rus is still dying on the ground when the people from the show comes to meet him in person. He will gladly do the sexy wiggle in front of the cameras though, while you're cheering. Nox is looking at the both of you, dead inside, as he knows everyone he knows is watching this and that he's going to be humiliated for generations.

Fellswap Gold Sans - Finally! Humanity sees him as the superior being he is! Though, he kinda didn't get it's "just" a beauty contest. You know you fucked up really bad when Wine casually says on live TV he knows expect all humans to bow in front of him and to build statues with his face, and that all people disrespecting him are going to be executed as he is now the leader and the emperor of their stupid little world. You want to bury in a hole and never see the light of day again.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - He doesn't understand what's going on, but everyone is saying nice things to him and he loves it! But then someone sits him on a chair and asks what's inside his mind right now and he screamed "I LIKE FLUFFY DOGS" on live TV. Wine is ready to kill you and you are quite ready to die, but then everyone loves it and "Aaaaaaw~" him. He's just too cute for this world. He's going to be fine.

[cuddlecave]

is xiphoid

continuing the scenario...

gord wakes up, and he's warm and comfortable and pleasantly hazy. he tries to move and look around but there's not a lot of space? and it's very dark...

his eyes adjust after a moment to the very dim blue glow. uh. is this a dream?? he didn't think he lucid dreamed but how else was in one of his favorite safety/comfort fantasies?? bc, this. this was very clearly a stomach.

he pinches himself and fuck, that hurt, so, not a dream, then. he feels like he should maybe be panicking, what with having been eaten, and all, but he's just...calm, and feels safe. he tries to figure out the last thing he remembered...

the memories are confusing and hazy at first, with weirdly simple thoughts and emotions attached. thoughts about his 'mate' and memory of not knowing what the kitchen was? but the body around him moves, shifting lightly, and the soft sound of *benrs purring* causes all the memories to snap into place with crystal clarity.

he'd been...feral? and when construction had started he'd starting having flashbacks. his dumb idiot brain still apparently equated safety to vore, and it hadn't taken very long for him to try to get in benrs stomach once he figured out what he wanted.

and that benr, had in fact, humored him and let him *inside*. he covered his face with his hands, embarrassed. oh god, he'd pushed his weird mental safety thing onto benr who had absolutely no idea what was going on, jesus. he cursed feral gord for his lack of inhibitions.

benr woke up to some movement and noise in his tum. gord was awake, tensed up in a ball, and making an unhappy groan sound. he sat up, concerned, and rubbed at his boyfriend, letting out a questioning trill.

to his surprise, he got a verbal answer. 'ugggggh. fuck.' oh shit, gord was back, and oh Shit, he was probably all tense bc he didn't know what was going on.

'hey, ur back to your MIT smarts. uh, this is probably-'

'you *ate* me'. he sounded vaguely horrified. (he was, but with himself)

benr winced, 'its okay! I promise ur safe, it's ok, i-'

he was once again cut off, 'i know, I know it is. that not-im not worried about that.'

what? 'what?'

'i fuckin-basically shoved myself down your throat, god, I'm sorry I'm so weird, just get me out and we won't have to talk about this again' in a quieter voice, one benr isn't sure he's meant to hear 'great job freemn you ruined a perfectly good relationship bc of your fucked up brain. again.'

??? *???* 'uh, bro, it wasn't an issue, it was fine. really, not a big thing, actually-'

'you don't have to pretend to be okay with this' gord sounded very tired, and very resigned.

benr huffed in frustration. 'let me finish!'

gord felt so shitty, the worst -mate- boyfriend. first he's weird and now not letting benr talk. he cringes and stays silent. after a pause, he feels benrs voice rumble around him.

'its okay. good, uh, actually. got this...alien. thing. makes-makes me wanna protect my-the people I care about, by uh. well. eating them.'

'...*huh*?' says gord, stunned.

'every time you'd shake cause of the noise I wanted to, but like. earth is weird and eating is like, a death thing, and, you being all cave-gord, figured you just be real scared if I tried. was hells of shocked when you-but, like. not *bad* shocked.' gord felt the soft walls gently squeeze him. 'like this, a lot. not you scared but, protecting you, like this. holding you like this. real good vibes.'

gord tried to wrap his head around that. benr...*also* liked this. even *wanted* to do this when gord was scared...'i-why didn't you tell me about this before?'

'thought it'd freak you out. why didn't you tell me you wanted to?'

gord snorts incredulously. 'thought it'd freak you out.'

they pause.

gord says, 'we're both pretty dumb, huh?' and starts that wheezy laugh that benr likes so much. benr joins in, hugging his belly and grinning. this worked out surprisingly well.

---

(1/2)

continued under cut

[tw: detailed panic attack, self-loathing, and generally bad mental state] '...okay' gord sighs. 'we should probably talk about this more, but--im hungry, let me out? geez, how long was I in here anyway?' benr frowns, glancing to the window, where the construction sounds are still going strong. 'its been like, two hours? but, the sounds are still here, dude, you sure you don't want to wait until they're done?' gord feels a quick moment of panic that he immediately shoves down. they're just sounds, freemn. construction noises. it's fine, he's not a feral thing, he can handle some metal banging. still, it takes more effort than he'd like to force out, 'yeah dude, it's fine. I'm chill, now. and hungry! I'm going to make a sandwich.' there. now he has a goal. ok. good. benr doesn't love how fake the lightness in gords voice sounds, but he's absolutely not going to keep him there against his will. 'okay. relax, k? gimme a sec.' he waits until he feels gord loosen up to nearly limp, and starts bringing him back up. gord feels the muscles of benrs throat pull him up headfirst, and even as he anxious about the sounds (they're just fucking sounds, chill, god, he thinks to himself), he finds himself relaxed with the kneading of the reverse peristalsis. he gets back up, and benr is laid reclined as he takes a hold of gords shirt collar to help pull him out. he's got his hand and stump resting on benrs chest, only his lower legs still inside, when he hears a sudden loud grinding of metal, screeching in his ears. he can't help it, he freezes, muscles tense, and he's stuck for a moment before forcing himself to take a breath and relax, continuing to pull himself out. it's fine. it's not a big deal. hes cool, hes chill. look how okay he is, he's barely shaking! when gord visibly panics for a second at the noise, not even all the way out of benr, benr has to fight not to just gulp him back down. he looks at gord concerned, and when he's out, he holds him tight against his chest, hoping gord will change his mind. gord allows it for a few moments, but then pushes away from benr and stands up wobbly, and benr automatically steadies him with his hand. gord mentally shakes himself after being steadied. ok. he's got this. sandwich time. he goes into the kitchen (not the 'food area' weirdo feral-gord), and starts making his food. totally fine. yep! a clang brings a clash of pain-hurt-blood-oh God No-Fear and hes--! NOT THERE, GORD, CHILL. it's fine. hes fine. no flashbacks here! benr watches gord from over the back of the couch. gord is still shaking, just a bit, and every time the sound gets louder, or sudden, or both, he sees gord suppress a flinch. he doesn't like this. but gord wants to be out. benr blows air from his nose with frustration. why's his human mate gotta be so stubborn about enduring unnecessary pain? gord thinks about eating at the table, once his sandwich is done, (don't think about how long it took with your shaking hands don't think don't think-) but decides that even tho he's handling this fine, it wouldn't hurt to stay close to benr, just, just in case? (in case of what?-Stop Don't Think About It) he walks over to the couch, and benr automatically takes the plate from him and settles him in his lap (hes still sized up, and that makes gord more secure for reasons he doesn't want to examine), before handing the plate back to gord. gord leans back against him, and eats, both of benrs arms wrapped around his torso. it's good. safe. he Does Not think about how much safer he would feel if he was *under* that soft flesh he's leaning on, hes not thinking about it. hes an adult, he can handle some noise. (it's pathetic, wanting to be back inside. /why? why can't he ask for help?/ he can't be weak, like that /others can, it's ok to ask for help, you *know* this/ but he has to be able to protect everyone! /benr can protect you. he can. he did. he wants to. it's ok. he loves you./ he-god!) nope, not having any problems at all, cool as a cucumber in the Arctic, it's good. benr watches as gord stares into space

holding the empty plate, breath becoming uneven. he carefully takes the plate from gords lap and sets it on the coffee table, and gord barely registers it. benr spins him around to be chest to chest and hugs him, purring, and saying, 'hey, you good? you there?' it takes a moment for him to get a response, but he does. 'uh. yeah.' an unsteady deep breath. 'im fine.' his face is buried in benrs abdomen, voice muffled. 'uh huh' says benr, unconvinced. 'i am!' gord leans back to look benr in the face. 'its fine it's just-!' he cuts himself off with a gasp and flinch as a particularly loud and shrill sound comes from the street. he's trying to steady his breath and is looking back up at benr, but before he can say anything, benr says 'please come back in. youre hurting.' gord is holding back tears, he can't do that (/why not?! is he not allowed some comfort? some relief? some rest??!?/), he's just making benr help him, manipulating him for sympathy-(/he wants to help you he loves you he's your partner!!!/) he- 'i can handle it!' he forces out shakily. he can. he can, he can, he can he can he can- 'i know you can. but you don't *have* to.' benr says softly, cradling his face in one large palm. he-he-/loves you loves you loves you/-his thoughts are scattered under the weight of benrs words, and he starts crying, leaning into benr. (/it's ok. you deserve to be ok. take the help. it's okay./) benr hugs him tight, and says quietly, 'one for yes, two for no. do you wanna come inside?' gord raises his hand and taps benrs chest once. 'ok, it's ok. you're ok.' and he lifts gord up and gently closes his maw around gords head, and the warm-dark-soft-safe hits gord like a train. hes gently pulled down, until he's curled up and all he can hear is benrs heart, his lungs, and his own erratic crying breaths. soft walls collapse around him snugly, both the muscle and benrs hands kneading him. benrs soft purring comes into focus as gords breathing steadies and quiets. it's quiet enough he can hear the other, smaller body-sounds now, too, and he exhaustedly goes boneless, emotions completely shot. 'you ok?' his -mate- (no, fuck it, *mate*! it's stronger than boyfriend, he likes it!), his mate asks him. he swallows a few times and clears his throat before answering, 'uh. yeah. mm. better than I was. can't uh. hear the sounds, now.' he leans into the pressure of benrs hands. '...I love you.' the dim light glows a bit brighter, a vibrant pink shifting to a bright blue. the purring grows stronger, and benrs voice is distorted by it when he says 'love you too.' --- they fall asleep, like that. later, benr makes a point of looking up the publicly available schedules for the city construction, and marking them on the cute kitten calendar in their bedroom. gord still has some issues asking for help, but benr is doing a admirable job of making it easier. --- u know I didn't realize i was gonna write this much but! here we are. hurt/comfort my beloved

[detectiveinchicago]

Sparks Fly: Chapter 7

Chapters list here

Note: Hi guys! Thank u for all the comments and reviews, you are amazing. If you want to be tag in this story please let me know. Sorry for taking so long for this one. English is not my first language. Enjoy xxx. 

DISCLAIMER: GIF IS NOT MINE.

WARNING: Bad language 

“What is this?” Jess asked getting out of the car.

“This is the most annoying police unit in the world” Caitlyn answered looking across the street.

“They don’t give up, do they?” O.A asked looking at the suspect in custody.

“They clearly don’t” Caitlyn answered again rolling her eyes.

"I think we should have a link with them, one or two people who can give us a better picture. They play local" Sheryll explained “I was like them” she added referring to the fact that she once was a NYPD cop.

"This is not how we work Sheryll" Jess said looking at her.

"They can help us talk to the detectives who investigated the previous cases and save us time” Hanna added looking at Jess.

“This is also a local gang, they have advantage” Kenny said talking for the first time. Every time he spoke, Caitlyn’s heart was a complete mess. God, he still had that effect on her, even after all those years.

“If they are so good why they couldn't catch this man when he wasn't out of control yet?” Jess asked.

"I’m good Jess, because you taught me right and I couldn’t even touch this guy so far” Caitlyn answered quietly “Believe in me, they are not my cup of tea but we need them"

"I know you don't team up with cops Jess but we can give it a try" O.A said looking at Jess shrugging his shoulders.

"It’s the most annoying elite unit for sure" Caitlyn added rolling her eyes “But it’s an elite unit after all”

Jess walked through the police line to the Intelligence Unit that was now picking up suspects to put them in the car.

"Sergeant, I am Jess Lacroix, Special Agent in Charge of the Most Wanted team" Jess showed up holding out her hand.

"Sergeant Hank Voight" Voight replied curtly shaking Jess's hand.

"I'm going to need you to give us the suspects, we have a search warrant” Jess said.

'We have one too" Voight answered with an unfriendly face.

"This man is on the Most Wanted list" Jess explained peacefully “but if you want you can choose two of your detectives to join us and keep you update with the investigation”

"Halstead, Upton” Voight called his detectives “You are joining them, I want daily updates”

“Good for me Sergeant” Hailey answered looking at them.

“So what do we know?” Sheryll asked looking at the suspects in handcuffs.

“This is a local gang, well known allies of the Russian mafia that has several crimes to their credit among them are known for the trafficking of women” Upton explained.

“I went undercover to see if I could find out some information about their drugs. We believe that this gang provides drugs to Russians for the trafficking of women, so if they are providers of the Russians then there is a very good possibility that they are also offering this drugs to our suspect” Caitlyn explained to the Most Wanted team.

“Which drugs?” Jess asked

"The common ones but the police think they are also offering GHB, Zolpidem, Benzodiazepines, MDMA” O.A answered.

“Rape drugs” Sheryll said looking at Jess.

“Did any of the victims test positive?” Jess asked.

“All victims tested positive for benzodiazepines” Upton said.

“Thing is that benzodiazepines are prescribed to treat anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, and several other conditions, and are also frequently used recreationally but since he uses them very often we think he must be buying them” O.A explained.

“We need to test the other victims” Caitlyn told him.

“Other victims?” Jay asked his sister surprised by this new piece of information.

“We think there were at least fifty-five victims in Chicago in the last six years” Caitlyn admitted looking at him.

“We were hoping you can help us out to check this with the detectives who run these cases, most of them went to different detectives but we figure his M.O out” O.A said.

“All the victims were brunette with blue eyes and were wearing red lipstick” Cailtyn added “I asked the forensic to run a lab on the lipstick”

“So he has a type” Hanna concluded.

“But not an M.O, that’s how he kept police distracted. He cuts their fingerprints in most of the cases and usually all the victims died stabbed or in a very violent way” O.A answered.

“Ok, split out, find something useful” Jess said while Caitlyn started looking around, she saw and alley next to the house.

“Hey, is that a camera?” She asked a police officer pointing at the brick wall “Do you think it works?”

“It might, doesn’t seem too damage” The officer answered.

“Get that footage out for me, would you?” Caitlyn asked looking at the camera in the alley before turning around. She saw Kenny working on the car with his computer so she started walking towards him. She rubbed her sweaty hands and took a deep breath but before she could even open her mouth Kenny spoke first.

"How many hearts do you think you have broken since you left me, Catilyn?" He asked without even looked at her. He was completely sure that she had moved on very quickly, probably start dating people a few months after she left.

Caitlyn was astonished. To say that the question had taken her by surprise was an understatement. “Wait, What…? Where that question even came from?”

“What do you need?” Kenny asked with an annoyed face.

“I came here to tell you that I have just found a camera in the backyard and that I told CPD to get that footage out for me so you can check it out” Caitlyn answer starting to feel enraged “Stupid son of a bitch” she whispered to herself.

She was completely furious. How dared he to talk her like that? She was just trying to be nice since they were going to work together. She could think a thousand of insults to him, she couldn’t believe the boldness and presumption of Kenny.

————flashback————

It had been two months since she had left Kenny but Caitlyn was still trying to get back into her feet. She was having a rough time adapting to the new office, the new coworkers and the new expectations, something that everyone seems to have about her. She couldn’t complain tough; her teammates were pretty cool but they weren’t the Most Wanted team. Sheryll and Clinton texted her a few times to see how she was doing and of course Jess called or texted her almost every day but still. She was still feeling like crap. Caitlyn was seeing a therapist weekly and that was helping a lot. The first month she could barely sleep or do anything at all. And also, there were the panic attacks every time she came home, when she realized she was all by herself and really lonely. No friends, no family. Loneliness was the worst part of it, feeling the silence and the lack of people in her house, not only because of Kenny but also because of her team, they spent so much time together that she was never really alone. The first few days, she used to sit there just listening to the silence. She started having nightmares about her tours for the first time since she got back from Middle East, at first it was about Angelyne, Jess wife but then it was about everything, things she wasn’t even afraid of. In all those years she had never even have one nightmare and now she was falling apart. Therapist said it was due to the stress and anxiety.

“You did it good today, new girl” Her partner O.A said walking into the locker room and taking her out of her thoughts.

“Thanks, I’m trying to” Cailtyn answered taking her bag “See you tomorrow” she added walking to the door before Scola walked in.

“So who wants to go to that bar in Soho to celebrate a case well done?” Scola said walking to his locker.

“Mm, nice. I’m in” Kristen said walking in with Emily.

“Let’s go then” O.A accepted.

“We can watch tonight’s game” Emily added.

“What do you say new girl? Are you in?”

“I think I’m going home for tonight; it was a tough case”

“Oh come on! You have been here for a month now and you haven’t go out with us not even once so I’m start thinking that you might hate us”

Caitlyn rolled her eyes and sigh to that monologue “Ok, let’s go then” she said.

How bad a few drinks can be after all? It was better than staying at home alone for sure. Caitlyn knew she was going to be alright eventually, maybe someday. Caitlyn knew it deep inside her. One day she will be ready to move on. Maybe having a game night with her teammates was a good start for that path.

————flashback————

“I saw you talking to Kenny” O.A walking from behind her “How did the ex-husband – ex-wife talk go?”

Caitlyn gave him a death look “I hate people O.A”

“Oh, that bad?” He said raising his eyebrows

“He asked me how many hearts do I think I broke since I left him” Caitlyn answered rolling her eyes.

“So he is angry” O.A commented

“As if I wasn't too, he wasn't the only one in the relationship, the last time I checked there were two of us”

“Wasn’t? So you are not angry anymore” O.A pointed raising his eyebrows.

“I moved on, O.A” Caitlyn commented looking at her partner.

His partner replied “Did you? You have just told me one hour ago that you possibly haven’t move on, that your heart stops every time he looks away and that he makes you feel like a teenager”

Caitlyn gave him a death look “I changed my mind” she said clenching her teeth.

“We are taking them to HQ for questioning” Sheryll said “We found some stuff at the house but no drugs so far”

“C’mon, let’s see if we can find this son of a bitch” Caitlyn answered looking at them.

--------------------------------------------

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[littlebigafterdark]

I'm feeling in a particular mood for some more Logan stuff, (totally not my comfort character who unfortunately is a medium for a lot of angst /s) so maybe the almost-relapse?

the littles accidentally trigger logan's ED (janus and patton help him thru it)

This is a copy pastd from a really long message i sent to liv a few weeks ago, just in case the grammar is weird or somethin!

oOo

context: whenever roman is a brat and refuses to eat dinner, logan gets noticeably more frustrated than with any other bratty behaviour because it hits too close to home to his eating disorder

so...

one day when patton is out somewhere, maybe at his carpentry class ((thats actually slightly spoilers for a big concept for the main blog lol)), logan has both the littles

and roman is bratty and refuses to eat dinner and logan breathes evenly and tries not to worry abt it bc he KNOWS roman always eats, hes just doing it to be annoying, breathe, he isnt actually restricting its ok

and logan was literally holding the baby fork up to vees mouth and suddenly she giggles and pushes it away

"come on baby, yummy time" logan coos and smiles a little but he doesnt feel it, and with his other hand he tickles lightly under vees chin and she giggles and logan smiles and goes to feed her again

but she pushes the fork away and babbles "mo bima!"

and roman laughs "yeah, no dinner! no dinner!" and bounces

and logan is feeling rlly shaky and hot suddenly and swallows thickly and ignores roman, and keeps looking at vee "princess, please open up," trying not to pay attention to how shaky his voice is. "its papa's spaghetti remember? yummy" he nods enthusiastically and goes to feed her again

but again vee just giggles all squeaky and pushes the fork away and looks at roman with a big smile for his approval. and roman is like "yeah vee! rebellion!!!" still so playful

but he hasnt noticed logans chest is heaving a little and hes staring at where vee pushed the fork away and logan was too shaky not to drop it on the floor.

and he looks up at vee and how small she is and how shes genuinely on the lower end of average weight and they need to make sure she doesnt dip down into underweight and thinks about how terrified he is of the idea that if she did develop an ED like he did it would be so dangerous and he cant see his baby go through that and-

it just hits him so so so harshly and hes suddenly crying and roman and vee freeze and look at him. and he hurriedly wipes away his tears and breathes shakily and tries to say again

"vee pl-please just ea--" and his throat closes up, he cant even say the word 'eat' and he gags on his tears and jumps up from his chair to run out to the downstairs bathroom and locks himself in trying to calm down and stop gagging.

and he can hear vee crying and roman - adult now - promising her its okay, mama feels a bit sicky but everythings okay, lets phone nana, its ok baby

and logan is breathing too fast and shaking and crying with his back against the bathroom door, not gagging anymore, but unable to take himself outside

. he hears roman feeding vee, and vee giggling and clearly enjoying the food, but no matter how comforting that is to hear he cant get over that genuine terror he felt when vee refused to eat, its his worst nightmare for vee to develop disordered eating - for any of them, but vee is already very thin and it could be critical, and logan cant get over that

when janus arrives (barely ten minutes later, he must have jumped in the car straight away which is only used for emergencies bc of janus' partial blindness) he speaks quietly to roman, and of course theyre trying to be subtle

but the kitchen is only across the hall from the bathroom and logan hears every word of roman explaining what happened and how confusing it was and how patton wont be home for another forty five minutes and roman didnt want either vee or logan to be alone but they probably shouldnt be around each other right now since vee gets so upset when the others arent happy

roman tries to talk to logan first through the bathroom door, apologising for misbehaving and promising he wont do that again. but can logan tell him what exactly was so bad about it this time? so roman can not do whatever it is in future.

but logan cant bring himself to say anything. he cant tell roman about this at least not yet he hasnt felt ready yet even if its been years and he doesnt know if he ever will be ready to tell roman about his ED

so after realising logan wont talk to him, roman swaps with janus. janus doesnt know the details but he knows theres something about logan and eating and hes made an educated guess from all the fibs hes heard over the years.

"hey, dic" (janus' unsavoury nickname for logan that he insists is just short for dictionary) "do you need a glass of water?"

logans throat is actually dry from hyperventilating and he says with a quiet scratchy voice through the door "yes please"

and when janus brings it to the door he just knocks gently and when logan opens the door to accept it janus doesnt make any comment on logans messy hair where hes run his hand through it or on his glassy red rimmed eyes or on the tremble of his fingers. but he does say "i know it must be so cozy in there" he nods to the cramped cold bathroom "but you might just prefer it in your room"

logan flushes a little and nods, comes out of the bathroom and heads to the stairs, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs thinking... he doesnt know if he can be trusted alone upstairs. theres another bathroom up there and the gagging has made his stomach churn and he feels FULL from dinner and if only he emptied it then maybe he would feel better right? .... no

so he rasps without turning back to janus "i... i cant be alone"

"look behind you, idiot" janus says and its far closer than logan remembered him being.

he whips his head round to see janus was following closely behind him. janus raises a pierced eyebrow "well, are we going to stand in the stairway all night?" and of course its snarky but its soft too

so logan breathes deeply and they go upstairs to his room. janus makes himself at home, immediately grabbing a book from logans book case and collapsing sideways in logans armchair as soon as they stepped in the room. logan reclines on his bed and sips his water and does breathing exercises and tries to not feel humiliated about this breakdown

every time logan tries to apologise for disturbing janus' evening (he didnt) or asks if janus is sure roman is grownup enough to look after vee appropriately (he is) or insists that he is okay to be left alone now (he's not) janus just murmurs "shut up im reading"

when patton gets back roman just tells him logan isnt feeling good and patton hurries up to see him - and upon seeing his husband logan is overcome by shame that he almost relapsed and relief that his best friend is here and a wave of tears that he tries and fails to blink away

and janus just quietly bids them good night and promises he'll stay a couple hours to keep roman and vee company, but patton insists he stays the night in pattons room (its not safe for him to drive in thr dark) and janus is used to this routine by now that he knows where the spare pillows are

so janus leaves quietly and logan croaks "thanks, old man" trying to sound casual but regretting it when his voice shakes. janus just holds up a peace sign and closes logans door behind him on the way out.

as soon as the door closes logans face crumples and he hides his eyes behind his arm and patton practically bounds over to logan and climbs onto bed next to him and cradles logans head to his shoulder as he cries

they stay like that, cuddling in bed, patton cradling logans head and kissing the nape of his neck and wrapping his arm around logans waist to spoon him and whisper about what happened and how they can avoid it in future

but mainly they just breathe and cry together and patton fills the hours with soft affirmations of love and getting logan a tea and promising its okay if logan wants a cookie with it but logan says maybe later (later turns out to be 2:30 in the morning but at least it really was later)

they barely sleep that night but its all comfort and talking and by morning despite being exhausted, logan feels safer and breakfast goes by without a hitch

oOo

just some notes me and liv made that i think highlights some main points:

logan struggling so much even when he knows that the kids are just playing around and they don't really mean that they don't want to eat, but it's just one of those things that inevitably hits too close to home

it just suddenly hit him! like any other day he can cope with roman doing that, its a small blip usually, but the fact that VEE started refusing food freaked logan out so much bc they genuinely have to keep an eye on her weight just bc shes naturally so small

his emotions about his history with an ED plus his overprotective mama cg space making him nearly go into a panic attack from the thought that vee could develop an ED is very sad and very true

and janus coming right away!! and he and roman handle the siatuation so well, like roman was so smart knowing not to leave logan alone, and janus calling him dic and taking him to his room and staying there until patton gets back

and him crying from just seeing patton because he's his best friend and he can be vulnerable around him is very :'c <3

hes so so relieved to see patton but theres also the slightests "ive let my husband down" bc he thinks bc patton helped him so much he owes it to patton to not relapse - but of course pat reassures him its natural to relapse but he didnt! he caught it in the early stages and asked for help and patton is never disappointed in him

he caught it!!! he caught it and he stopped himself and he let himself be helped by both roman and janus and patton and he didn't even relapse!! and this whole thing is really a sign of how far he's come that he was able to accept their help in his vulnerable state, even if roman and janus didn't have the full story, they still wanted to help him through whatever he was experiencing

[oh-theatre]

Sycamore High: Pick Me (Chapter 6)

A/N: Um, I cried while writing this sorry?? Um, I love Bill so... please leave some comments! Would really appreciate them! Also, I wrote the panic attack based on how I know them to be, and Ted's method is something my friend does with me!

summary: Just a regular old lunch session or it was until something set Bill off

words: 2,317

warnings: Swearing, negative thoughts, panic/anxiety attack, angst

Ao3 link

Pick me

Choose me

Love me

A few months went by, the hope diminished

Pick me

Choose me

It's going to be ok, every kid gets their turn

Pick me

Just hold out a little longer, they will come. 

~~~~

“Earth to Bill” A voice said across the lunch table. Bill blinked and looked towards the source of the voice. Ted sat next to him, eyes expectant. 

“Hm?” Bill hummed

“I was wondering if I could have some of your fries”  Ted repeated cautiously “You ok Bud?”  Bill nodded while sliding his fries to his friend. Ted wasn't convinced but took the fries and decided not to push. Bill adjusted his glasses and observed the table. Emma and Charlotte sat on the other side, they had joined them today. Bill smiled, he enjoyed their company and found they brought a lot to the group. Paul sat at the ‘head’ of the table. Bill saw their mouths moving but it was white noise, he gave one last look before returning to his book. He flipped back a few pages realizing he hadn't really processed what he had read. He began to read but it all came flooding back…

Bill sat quietly in the corner of the playroom, a book in his lap and a plush toy in his hand. He read while the others yearned for attention, screaming and running all over the place. Bill continued reading, he held a book in his hand, his current favorite ‘ The Land Of Stories’. Bill would occasionally look up, but he stayed focused on his book. Bill was used to this by now, he used to be one of them. Excited, he wouldn't run or scream but he wouldn't shy away. He would want someone to notice him, to pick him! Now, however, he just wanted to read and get the day over with. However, it seemed, there were other plans. Bill noticed a shadow appear at slightly peeking over his book. He looked up to see a smiling face shining down on him, he closed his book and curiously looked at the stranger. 

“Hello, I'm Mandy ...Mandy Dorris”

“Hey… happy anniversary bud” Bill snapped back to present time, he looked over to Ted who’s statement had now silenced the group.

“Hmm?” Bill hummed

“Your anniversary, it's today right?” Ted repeated, concern flashed his eyes. Bill thought about this for a moment before nodding slowly.

“I suppose it is” He said realizing this himself. Ted furrowed his brows but before he could say anything Emma chimed in.

“Anniversary? Of what?” She looked between Ted and Bill “Aww are you two married?” She joked the table fell over an awkward silence. Paul prepared for the worst, Bill did the same. 

“Is everything a fucking joke to you?” Ted snapped, he usually was the more joking kind but there were certain subjects that you just didn't… you couldn't. Emma's awkward smile faltered and she looked between Ted and Charlotte. 

“I… what?” She managed, she looked to Paul for help. He sighed and turned to Ted.

“Ted, it's fine she just didn't know” Paul reassured, Emma, inhaled sharply. Bill tried to take a deep breath awaiting Ted's response but only felt more breathless in his attempt. He tried again.

“Fine” Ted said firmly “But then just say that instead of making a joke of it” Ted defended, Bill wasn't listening, why can't I breathe? Emma nodded still confused, and Paul looked between the two. Bill tried, again and again, the two continued to argue. He couldn't hear them, he shut his fists and squeezed. Feel something, He thought, anything. He kept trying to breathe, it wasn't really concern more just curiosity but clearly, his friends didn't see it that way. The arguing which had grown immensely over the last moments had ceased. He felt his body move, he turned expectantly to see a very worried Ted shaking him.

“Bill? Bill?” His friend repeated, voice choked… why? “Bill, look at me” I am… Bill thought. “Bill tell me… 5 things you can see around you. Right now” Why? Ted's voice washed over him, he could feel Ted's shaky hands but his voice was stable. Bill decided to amuse Ted and do what he said, but he couldn't. He couldn't speak… panic set in. Why can't I speak?

“Bill?” Ted repeated again, he felt Ted pull away but Bill grabbed his hands again. 

Please don't let go

“Ok.. ok Bill I need you to do what I say then..ok?” Ted looked over to Emma and Charlotte “One of you please get the nurse...please” He begged, The girls had never heard him so...sincere. They jumped up and raced to the nurse. Paul sat on the other side of Bill now, he awaited Ted's instructions. “Bill? 5 things you can see, right now” Ted repeated

Pick me 

“Bill” He heard Pauls soft voice say

Speak! Words! Say something!

“What can you see, please” Ted's voice spoke in a soft whisper, he squeezed Bill's hand lightly “I'm here, I'm right here...Bill” He reassured

Choose me

“Paul” Bill finally managed… he tried to breathe again but he couldn't. “I..I can see Paul…” he took a slow look around “And… and my bag” He said to Ted, Ted smiled proudly and nodded.

Look at you, pathetic

Pick me

“My lunch, and um… my book” 

That's four, you fucking idiot

“I'm not stupid” He said in a pained whisper. Ted glanced to Paul

“No you aren't, you're the smartest person I know” Ted said, Paul nodded in agreement “You know exactly how to help us with our homework but still teach us in the process. You read faster than anybody I've ever met but can still recite every single word after.”

Oh you can read, congratulations you fucking 1st grader

“That's not smart” Bill whispered, he wasn't really sure who he was talking to

“Yes, it is” Ted said firmly “You know facts about everything when we play video games you are always in awe and constantly point out things about that Paul and I would have never noticed. You constantly beat us with sheer intelligence, because you pay attention and your smart and plan things out, you know big words and understand what they mean when you use them” Ted chuckled, Bill gave a soft laugh. “But you also know feelings, you understand what we need and why. I can text you out of random, I don't even have to say a word but you know exactly what I need. Bill in every single way you are the smartest person I know…” He paused “So, what's one more thing you can see” Bill finally met Ted's eyes and hoped that the grateful look translated between them. 

“I can see you, Ted” He said, reassuring himself that was the name of his friend. Ted nodded smiling. They continued, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Paul encouraging him every step of the way, Ted never let go of Bill's hands and never faltered. They continued until the girls returned with the nurse. They ventured to the nurse's office, Ted guiding Bill the entire way. Both of them too scared to let go. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” The nurse whispered softly to Ted, He nodded and was ushered to a corner in the office to talk to her. Bill’s eyes grew heavy, when was the last time I slept, He thought. He looked to his hands to find them empty, he grew fidgety.

Pressure… I need pressure

He felt a sudden squeeze in his arms.

“I've got you Bill” Bill looked up to see Paul sitting in front of him, mimicking Teds arm holding. He nodded slowly, he examined the room again and again. He felt paul move to his side on the bed, Bill took a deep breath and collapsed softly into Pauls's shoulder. He felt Paul immediately receive him, no tension, no hesitation. He wrapped his arms around his friend applying pressure. He ran his fingers through Bill's hair softly.

“I've got you… I've got you” He whispered repeatedly until Bill fell asleep. Ted returned and sat on Bills other side. The nurse insisted the children return to class, that Bill would be fine. The girls wanted to stay but gave in finally. The boys, however, didn't even acknowledge the nurse. They weren't leaving, they were staying right here. 

~~~~

“He hasn't had one like this in a long time” Paul whispered softly over Bills head to Ted. Ted sighed exhausted and shook his head.  

“No, He hasn't” He gave Bill a sympathetic look “I… I don't know what to do” He admitted resigned. Paul sighed and reached his free hand to Ted's shoulder. 

“You did great, seriously” Paul reassured “Sorry I froze up on you for a moment, it's just been awhile” Paul said staring at his small friends face, his glasses were pushed up against Pauls's shoulders, he removed them carefully and placed them on the table next to him. Bill’s breaths were even and calm, much to the boy's relief. “Do you think… “

“The arguing? Yeah, I think that set him off” Ted shook his head “God why… why can't I just stay calm” Shame filled Ted's voice.

“Don't do that Ted, it's not your fault” Paul said, the two of them were having some serious deja vu 

“It's just… It's an important day for him… and Emma she just-” Ted struggled

“I know” Paul interjected “I would've said something, I just didn't want to escalate anything” Paul took a moment “I'm so used to us three knowing what's going on, what to do, all of that” He looked to Bill “I guess I just forgot that… maybe I should've… I should have explained to them before I invited them, ya know? Just told them how we work, you've got a temper and you make jokes” Paul looked at his friend, they laughed “Bill is quiet, but we need to keep an eye on him” Paul said looking at his friend fondly. 

“And you?” Ted inquired. Paul stared at the wall and shrugged

“I'm… awkward, and indecisive about what I want….” Ted laughed “What? It's true…” 

“Mmhmm” Ted simply hummed 

~~~~

Ted looked down at Bill “We should probably take him home” Paul nodded looking at the clock. The nurse had let them stay throughout the rest of the day, class was going to end soon. “I'll go check with the nurse” Ted informed before making his way into her office. Paul sighed, he took Bills glasses and cleaned them up a bit, Ted returned.

“All good to go” He said, Paul nodded. Ted made his way to Bill to wake him up but was quickly stopped by the ear-piercing ring of the bell rang throughout the halls and rooms. Bill jumped awake knocking Paul in the face. 

“What's going on?” Bill rushed, he looked around examining his surroundings, slowly everything came back to him. He shied away, his face growing red at the realization of what happened. “Oh” 

“Ow” Paul mumbled rubbing his nose, Bill gave him an apologetic look. “S’okay” He said placing Bills glasses carefully on his face. Bill adjusted them quickly and nodded.

“Thanks…” He glanced between Ted and Paul, he kicked the ground “For everything” He added. Paul smiled fondly and nodded, Ted followed his actions.

“Always bud” Ted said “We should get you home now, your dad’ll get worried if you're not home soon” Bill nodded and got up slowly, surprised but the lightheadedness he felt, he swayed back and forth bracing for the cold ground but instead felt arms take his shoulders and gave him a stable footing. “I’ve got you,” Ted said gripping Bills shoulders “Walking duty” He winked, the friends laughed before making their way to Paul's car. Bill sat in the back with Ted, he was still tired and Ted had offered him his shoulder. The ride to Bill's house was pretty long, no busses came by and Bill couldn't drive so Paul and him usually carpooled. Ted and Paul began a conversation about video games, Bill laughed sleepily before nodding off onto Ted's shoulder.

~~~~

“Hot chocolate boy” Ted said suddenly staring out the window

“Hmm?” Bill hummed sleepily. He yawned before sitting up straight and rubbing his eyes

“That's hot chocolate boy” Ted said pointing out the window as if that clarified anything. Bill rolled his eyes and returned to his position on Ted's shoulder “I saw him in the hall the other day, he was running through the halls with hot chocolate” He heard Ted's small gasp “And he has one today, Bill look!” Ted nudged his tired friend who sighed slightly annoyed sitting up again. He looked out the window, they were stuck in traffic. He looked to where Ted was pointing, the boy wore suspenders and a bowtie, his hair had small pigtails in them, and just as Ted had said, he was holding a hot chocolate. He looked over at his friend who was smiling excitedly, everything clicked and Bill couldn't help but smile. He indulged his friend's antics a tad longer before leaning into Ted again who let him. He listened to Ted talk about hot chocolate boy for a while longer.

“...His little marshmallows and-” Bill quickly interjected

“And you like him” He whispered into Ted's shoulder, he heard stutter and mumble ‘not true’ and ‘no I dont’ were thrown into the mix. Bill simply smiled smugly

“I regret telling you about anything” Ted said low enough for only Bill to hear. Bill, who had his eyes closed and was half asleep at this point just smiled fondly recalling the conversation he and Ted had the other day.

“You regret it cause I'm right” He said finally, but before Ted could retaliate Bill was already asleep.

[heliads]

Fell to sleep so it took some time to reply 😄 Woke up three times though when I started to cough my lungs out and I read your reply at 3am (it's 6am now).

Haha glad to hear that 🤩 I hope my work with my series pays off. And yeah… I know what you mean. Also it doesn't help when a motivation killer strikes as you remember the ratios and you're afraid your work won't be appreciated, getting 345 likes and 6 reblogs per chapter, and 2 of the reblogs are yours. You would think nobody is interested and then you get a reply to your newest part "next part pls" 😫 Like??? You clearly like it, but is it so hard to write "OMG this is so good, can't wait for the next part!!"??? Like people complain about not knowing what to say to writers so they leave a like to show their appreciation, but if you aren't sure what to say, you could just say "I really love this!" or variations of it, it can't be so hard. It's 100x better than just liking.

Of course, discussing about the piece/sharing your thoughts what was running in your head when you read it is even better ("omg!! The ship finally sails, I've waited for x and reader to kiss for so long!" or "aww, I hope y won't try to intervene x and reader's feelings out of jealousy. I understand they also have feelings for x but it still isn't right to ruin their crush's relationship and hope they get x instead 😞 I pity y too because losing your crush to someone else really sucks but planning to break their relationship with someone else is just so… raaahhh") or even some critique if the writer is ok with that but if someone doesn't know how to do that, just a few words of kindness and encouragement are good too.

And to your tags: don't worry, I clogged people's dashes too yesterday because I was praising my new moot's Kaz x reader oneshot and ended up discussing about the growing OOC'ness in a lot of Kaz pieces with her on the reblogs. I mean the smut pieces + the ones where Kaz is this innocent defenseless puppy who needs Y/N to defend him if someone touches him 😅 Like imo canonly, if someone would touch Kaz's skin, he would slap the person's hand away immediately or at least growl "don't fucking touch me" and if the person still wouldn't let go, he'd probably break their hand or leg with his cane before retreating to somewhere private to calm himself down as one of the worst things he's afraid of is being seen as weak and if he's immediately turning out to be a whimpering poor teenager upon touch, it's very obvious that he has a weakness.

Also it's stated in the books that he has learned to hide his panic attacks for the most part, just retreating in a dark corner where he won't be touched by anyone and he has made sure his reputation includes the fact that you're the biggest idiot ever if you go to sling an arm around his shoulders of something because it might turn out so you don't have an arm at all after that.

But I've seen pieces where Kaz completely freezes and basically starts to cry in front of everyone if someone touches him and then reader comes in a shining armor and defends him and then she helps him to his room and holds him while he sobs in her arms (as the reader is a Magic Girl who is the only one Kaz can touch and it has been that way from the start, reader just touched him once when they had just met and Kaz was like "😳 her touch doesn't feel unpleasant!!!"… that's some lazy ass writing if you ask me, or of course people have the right to write him as they please and erase essential traits from him and add new ones that make him soft and huggable but the cost is that a lot of people leave your stuff unread if you don't make them stay in character).

And I know this sounds mean but I've laughed at those pieces where Kaz whimpers and cries in reader's arms after his skin has been touched because the mental picture is so absurd???

Okay now I rambled about this to you too 😂 I'm just honestly pissed that some people don't even try to make him in character, I rarely come across good Kaz pieces because of that.

TELL ME ABOUT IT!! i feel like it's almost impossible to fully capture every aspect of a character, but you can at least try, right? and the things you were talking about earlier, with kaz being ok with reader touching him or breaking down so publicly? it physically hurts me. the bare minimum has not been meant.

but yeah, i know what you mean! i've gotten reqs in the past for very ooc behavior and i just Pretend I Misread It while writing or don't take it. otherwise it just feels like i'm making an oc that's eerily similar to a published character lol

[angelblumes]

God for real, I have no idea what to say to anything to anybody talking abt my mental health like honestly I do try to be the most honest with my therapist because I dont really talk to any1 else irl abt it but you think I know words for how I feel? no. I do feel like a goldfish. I forget everything I've ever felt when I walk into the building. Thanx 4 the good luck tho 😊❤ I also had a little moment rsd when I asked my dad something and he didn't take it seriously so I did cry, salads are really the worst thing to accidentally forget abt/ something bad happen to it😢 😐 😑 I dont even care if you talk abt hannibal, its fine! I understand! I feel like I complain abt bugs almost everytime, but 😑 I got paranoid because a flying big ass beetle was on the ceiling of my porch? And i was 👀 so I wasn't paying attention when another 1 got all up in my face. I stg it made me mad cuz wth why are bugs like that? I had some watermelon w/ brown sugar and white sugar 😌 also some taco bell 4 dinner. I did write inside of my little diary tho 😁 also im sure ur therapist didn't want to kill u 🤣 We are the same person 💗 I also therapize myself , but its just me being emotional/mentally ill and then me trying to talk myself into being logical abt it. Sometimes I feel like I dont be mentally ill and different and im normal, but once I'm around other ppl im like oh ! yea I got problems and everyone can clearly see that and 😬 I still gotta work on it. Not to say I look bad or anything, I just can't put on a normal ppl mask you know? OK good night this was also very long and rambly and all over but✌❤

UR THE BEST EVER. have i said that? its so true. the salad didnt even go bad!!!! i will eat the rest of it today hopefully! and dw i hate bugs like i totally get it😭😭 umm.. i dreamt abt captain america and the winter soldier HELP. we were like besties... idk the only thing i really remember is that they were both hilarious like the whole dream is just me laughing then stopping and then laughing again. there was other stuff but i forgot it obv. i watched a hannibal amv and the song was "take me to church" haha but it showed scenes from the last eps and i forgot i havent seen most of the last season.... like i dont think u mind but spoilers!!^__^ abigail dies and i stopped watching for like 6 months bc of that. i had to rewatch the ep too bc i didnt know exactly where i left off. which is good cuz i did miss a few important minutes at the end but i did break down and sob again. they took hannibal off netflix too so i had to watch it on effing HULU. i despise hulu. the ads are ridiculous im already paying y'all just give me the show! i brought that up bc umm... i cant believe i just QUIT season 3? its so good like i skipped around eps bc i rlly already know what happens but i will watch it all the ads r just impossible. anyway my friend just SCOLDED? ME? for eating a banana too slow????? my rsd barely like bothers me w her bc i just get pissed off like she does this stuff sometimes and it always is ridiculous. "we dont want to get gnats" by me taking a few minutes to eat a god damn banana?😐urgh. i had an awful panic attack bc my allergies are so bad i cant rlly breathe thru my nose right. n i was brushing my teeth and trying to breathe thru my mouth. n i couldn't. i have asthma btw so i was lile oh god this is some extreme asthma attack and im going to die. i did not die. i hate panic attacks like i nvr know its happening in the moment and it makes it worse. n normal ppl masks... SO RELATABLE! anyway um i dont feel like counting all whatever i said so i'll say one thing more. i brought up the hannibal here bc not bc of THAT amv but the one to hoodoo by muse😭 muse is.. big right? i really feel like i live under a rock and i've never been outside. i don't know how i'm supposed to know this stuff. anyway oh em gee. its soooo good. the video. i mean the song is too. i hate amvs where they're like good but the music sucks. even if its good music if it just doesn't vibe then it sucks. anyway idk it totally wrecked me after like seeing abigail die AGAIN and then will saying "i forgive you" and then hannibal walking away and then will n hannibal kill whatshisface together. i might just try to pirate hannibal only bc of hulu's 1-2 minute long adds every 10 minutes. i dont have that kind of patience. i'm always long and rambly do not worry❤️💗