#and don't worry i'm not gonna kill myself

[kaisollisto]

[yardsards]

there's so many posts floating around that are like "if you stop joking about wanting to kill yourself, you won't think about suicide as much!"

and. in my experience, that's just been dead false.

when i was younger, i would casually joke about my suicidal urges all the time. it made my (often equally depressed) peers laugh along and connect with me, and it made the urges feel less scary, like i could conquer them and laugh.

i stopped joking about suicide as i got older. everyone said it was harmful to do, so i quit. and i think it actually made me feel so much worse. my suicidal ideations are now a dark taboo swirling around deep within me: something that i can't show outside of serious conversations in therapists' offices or to friends preceded with "can i vent about something?". serious conversations that don't really make me feel better and often manage to make the suicidal feelings look even BIGGER and more unmanageable to me.

i wish i could joke about it like i used to, but i can't. i'm more conscientious of others' feelings and reactions to me than i used to be (which is in some ways a good thing, but in some ways leaves me constantly muting and molding myself just to be more palatable to outsiders). so i can't bring myself to risk upsetting anyone with my dark jokes anymore: no matter if it's fellow suicidal people who may be understandably hurt by the subject, or if it's just mentally healthy people clutching their pearls because i dare be mentally ill in public.

and joking about these things is a lot more taboo now that it was just a few years ago as a teenager in the late 2010s. humor was more dark and ironic overall at the time. you could post like, a deep fried jpeg of a shrimp captioned "i want to krill myself!" and there was a general understanding that like, yeah some of the feelings there might be genuine, but it's still a joke and you can join in on laughing. but now something like that would be treated more like a cry for help.

i don't really have a solution to this cuz like, yeah there were people who were negatively impacted by the ubiquity of suicide jokes back then, and it's probably not something we as a culture should bring back overall. but GOD sometimes i miss it.

[lucyvaleheart]

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[seventh-district]

not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

[sherlock-is-ace]

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[bredforloyalty]

moved out of the apartment today with my mom's help and got to clean and pack with her for two days while she was off from work but actually there was an emergency so she also had to work the whole time and on the way back i got a wonderful opportunity to listen to her monologize in the car for hours and hours about how she's disappointed in what i've become and i wasted three years and wasted her money and her support and i'm ungrateful and i didn't do anything right and also i should start caring about my health and about my appearance because i will never be happy in this (ugly, hairy, fat) body and also she doesn't root for me or believe that everything will be okay but she doesn't understand why i don't feel secure and why i don't trust myself or believe that everything will be okay.

[carfuckerlynch]

my favorite feeling. I'm not hurting myself only because I'm too sleepy to get up and find a knife

[introvert-celeste]

Welp, I can safely say that October and Halloween have been ruined for me. I envy everyone who can actually look forward to the festivities because my heart is just not in it this year :/

[queeraliensposts]

I am 100% serious when I say that if I get through the 2024 election without being admitted into a mental hospital, it'll be a fucking miracle

[wanderingandfound]

Me, the day before the depression that's been hounding at my heels overtakes me for the first time in years: Even a life spent "wasted" watching okay television in my pyjamas is better than being dead.

Me, the day after said depression overtakes me, while doing my physical therapy exercises in a house I am growing to hate in a body that's at higher-than-normal(-for-me) levels of both pain and exhaustion and worrying about multiple doctor appointments tomorrow: Actually you know what?

[mistresskabooms]

You know. I think I realized something about me lately.

I fucking hate myself. Just. God how I wish I was anyone else so I could be less of a fucking stain. I wish I could actually change and move forward without ending up back where I started a month later, if it even lasts that long.

[necrobab3]

ugh I'm on my period. someone please shoot me in the head

[brightside-brigade]

Oh good Gods I'm gonna throw up. I saw it. There's a live stream going on about it I'm gonna throw up.

I'm gonna unsub from that channel. It was supposed to be a safe channel. It was supposed to be silly reddit and 4chan stories.

They're talking about it. It's happening again. It was an unrelated channel. I'm not safe. It's not safe nowhere is safe. Did he know I watch? Is that why it happened? Does he know? He knows. Everyone knows. I'm not safe. There are eyes on me everywhere. Everyone knows who I am. They know when I'm around and they all want me dead.

[twilit-tragedy]

god fucking damn my life, bro. I find a couple of ants in my room and immediately freak out. I start feeling shit crawling on me and turn on a flashlight to go look for some hidden source, already hyperventilating. And then I remember I woke up late and didn't take my morning meds. Girl, we have a balcony and my mom keeps plants there. Calm the fuck down. You like having the window open. It's FINE. It's just ants.

Last weekend I skipped my morning meds two days in a row cuz I woke up late and I feared sertraline insomnia - which, yes, in hindsight was a bad idea - and on Sunday I had a full meltdown. Granted, also period-related, but god fucking damn it. I tore my whole room apart. I couldn't vacuum under my bed easily because of my desk's placement so I decided I was going to move furniture around and reorganize my room. On a Sunday afternoon, in the summer and with tendonitis. All cuz I saw some ants and couldn't verify with my own two eyes every corner of the room. And because I couldn't physically move the wardrobe and bookcase, I guess I took out my anxiety with the remaining furniture. And god fucking damn it, here I am again a week later.

I keep finding ants (3) running on my desk all of a sudden while I'm SITTING THERE and have no idea ("no idea") where they're coming from (engage the phone flashlight routine). I moved this bitch AWAY from the window and they're fucking HUNTING me or smth (it's 35ºC out, girl). I hate my life. And I hate that any suggestion of bugs makes me start feeling shit on my skin that isn't there. Dumb fucking brain. Anyway I need sleep and to take my sertraline asap or else.

[elytrafemme]

call the hairdresser and call the mediator because the way i'm splitting to the fucking ends right now

[ame-to-ame]

life can be a literal nightmare sometimes even when ur trying ur best to have fun and do well </3