#and doesn't have any classes today
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Dear grown man who just walked by singing the lyrics to Jessie: Thank you. You have made my day a bit better.
#so basically if you want to know about how much today sucks read on#my best friend is dropping out of uni#two SROs physically assaulted them#basically because they were sleeping in the student counseling department#(they hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before and they know the people in that office)#and like I know they have it worse#but they're my safe place#and it just... sucks#plus I got chewed out by my roommate for waking up too late to take the dog out properly#it's a joint custody thing#she bought the dog#and doesn't have any classes today#she can take the damn dog out herself#and to make it worse she's kind of a mother figure to me#(she's twice my age bc she's getting another degree (she wants to follow her passion for history))#and we were pretty close after about three months of living together#but then#fucking everything went downhill#and i'm so done#anyway basically life fucking sucks today#and a grown man singing the theme song to Jessie made it a bit better#/rant
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pygmalion and galatea for aroace people
you should tell your friends what I look like, riz gukgak.
#fantasy high#fantasy high sophomore year#fhsy#riz gukgak#baron from the baronies#fh class quangle#class swap babeyy! bard!riz that's whats goin on!#I really need tags for these now I think lmao#ask to tag#I feel like this should be tagged something. but I dont know what#in my brain after the initial kidnapping class swap baron's thing is every time riz keeps his story abt them up in front of his friends#they get a little bit closer. they send him pictures of where they supposedly are n stuff#theres a scene in my brain only of kristen and riz on top of the van and kristen is like everything kinda sucks rn can u tell me abt baron#cause what you guys have is so nice and beautiful. and riz almost doesn't but he ultimately can't deny kristen a little peace#lmao I feel like dipping into baron stuff with the class swap is like showing my whole ass online again I just. I'm a#horror person before all else... I cant stop myself. canon baron is Great and Cool but that is kind of the thing. for a horror thing theyre#Too Cool. I think cool is kind of the neutralizer of scary. when a monster is a certain amount of cool it overrides the scary#and now u just have a Cool Monster#its so fucked for bard!riz this year bc he doesn't have an office (he's mooching off the school wifi from the AV club room lol)#so there's no buffer between adventure and home life. so baron just shows up in the strongtower apartment lmao#sophomore year bard!riz looks like a slasher protag so I just leaned into it I guess. he gets a mr. x if mr. x is made up by leon kennedy#well. its worse actually. they can show up where he is at any moment theyve proven this. but they dont#they choose to punish him slowly as he lies to his friends instead. baron is mr. x if mr. x is made up by leon and also a bitch#I think its gonna pop up if class swap baron ever speaks in a comic I do but their voice comes from like. inside their hollow face#it sounds like it's a lot deeper in there than that skull should be#tbh what I have rn is kinda like a bag of loose pieces that Can fit together into something great but I dont have the energy to#really sit down with them yet lol. Im doing this inbetween other things#it comes or it doesn't! it's fine. funny how today's bad comic day also. I wont say this is for bad comic day bc all my comics are#flawless and beautiful and perfect and awesome and beautiful and the best#but u should. if u havent drawn a comic today or at all ever u should draw a comic
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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.
#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries#and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes#but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month#i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent#and that's the way it's been my whole life#all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over#my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter#i never go to the movies#i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year#i go to restaurants like... once a month max#i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures#i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture#and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously#i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time#just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is#it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent#my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account#i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to#but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment#i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor#i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries#this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me#how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money#cosmo gyres#personal
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#* ( out of character: random stuff. )#[ my mood isn't any better from yesterday ugh. if today's gym class doesn't improve it a bit at least then I'm yeeting myself into the void.#at least i slept a little... better. but not enough. again.#i might keep not be here today either or just do some light stuff. I'll see. ]#[ I'll be pretty scarce in the weekend. maybe just reblog some memes. ... i know i still have some unanswered but I'll get to them promise#jdjdkdkkd some unexpected plans came up so I just gotta bear with them. ]#[ wishing everyone a great day / night ahead tho!! hope something nice happens for you ❤️ ]
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i cried SO MUCH and i am still crying, but i was in irl house's office today 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
#jo in the tardis*#i cried before the class and then we had to do this exam on the computers#as a final evaluation or whatever and my account just WOULDN'T work and irl house and my favourite assistant were there with me#trying to fix it and they were both like you are ALWAYS on this account solving everything we know you would know how to log in#and then we managed to do it and when i tried to hand in my answers it just wouldn't accept them#so that's why i was in irl house's office because he was trying to fix it#and he has SO many books there... sooooo many i was just turning around trying to read every title#and i just kept thinking i really really hope i have this someday#and i had to try soooo hard not to cry right there#i've never had this in my life. ever. never ever ever ever. this sense of belonging somewhere entirely#and i think both irl house and my assistant sensed this was my problem today and they were both so kind to me#and she literally said that it doesn't end when the classes end ANY of it i can always come to lectures and ask them things#and that also made me want to cry#i just really love this place and these people and i can't afford to lose it... like i don't know what will i do if i fail this year#and can't come back for the next... i've finally FOUND my place and i can't lose it#like what will i do...
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The universe loves me
#i can get the a i need for my online class after all!!!!!!#eeeeeeeeeeeeee#i just have to do 2 things and I'm gonna get the a#then I'll get my full amount of funds instead of half#I'm so excited#i mean first i have to do things for my in person class for that a but that one is super easy#this is such a gift and i don't know what deity did this#i don't worship any luck deities or ones associated with money or fortune or knowledge so idk#like all of mine are chaos and revelry and trickery other than one#but that one is like motherhood and stuff and i worship her to get the comfort of a divine mother#anyway whatever deity decided to blast my ass with fortune i love you#also i got what i needed to up my financial aid for the upcoming school year so double fortune#I'm vibrating with excitement#i may not be getting anywhere in my job search but my bank account won't be negative and I'll have the grades i wanted#life is beautiful today#i also got my doctor to switch me to gel for my t so i won't have a bad reaction hopefully and i see the gastroenterologist tomorrow#i'll get the swallowing problem dealt with soon even if i have to get a camera shoved down my throat again#and my college is doing a free tuition thing that while i don't think i qualify for will still be really good for other people who need it#and my dad leaves town for 2 weeks in the morning#I've just had a ton of good things happen in a row#also i got to see the living tombstone on Saturday and i swear that fixed the funk i was in from what i had to do last week#and i learned sweet tea doesn't taste like pure sugar so it's actually decent#damn I'm feeling good#anyway happy rant over#go be gremlins#and as always#drink water you heathens
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🥹
#Recently a friend sent me a gofundme link that turned out to be for my primary school best friend(all 3 of us were in the same year 4 class)#turns out she has a chronic - often debilitating- health issue and her mum set up a go fund me to help with medical bills#for this groundbreaking surgery they're pursuing#I moved away when I was 9 and and then back at 17 when I finished school and it took over a year for me to reconnect with the first friend#I haven't seen this girl in 15 years and haven't found any of her social media accounts but ofc I donate to the gfm#within 24 hours she tracked me down on instagram (which doesn't have a hint of my legal name) and messaged me#like I could cry happy tears rn#the world works in odd and fucking wonderful ways sometimes#anyways that's my you love to see it for today#yelling into the void yada yada
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closing two artfights! reached my final goal, which was a nice round total of 10 attacks for this first year 😊
Alcarnarmo (ThArtemisHunter)
Phoenix Tian and Kai Terranova (@mimicmerchant)
#artfight#draws#kai and phoenix are a little sketchy because i woke up this morning and went HUP HUP HUP LET'S BEEEE AMBITIOUS#but i'm glad to have managed what i did! ^^#and now to 1) close every tab i had open for reference images இ௰இ and 2) DIVERSIFY MY CHARACTER ROSTER WHOOPS#scraped by this year without designing anyone new; just pulling from past d&d characters and a witchsona l m a o#here's the thing#[🙏 innnnnhale]#two of those character options look near-identical bc at the time of creation; i was like 'yeah sure they can look like me -#- can i go build out the class features / start designing witch clothes now'#and sitting down last night with the intent of 'time to create new characters' made me aware that#oh! yeah my preference really is to build upon existing things (more of a personal interpretation than a perfect iteration)#which is why i like making fanart that doesn't stick *precisely* to the canon outline#or building cosplays that are tweaked and extended to my tastes (and why i like animated properties more than live-action)#(bc animated designs tend to be simplified and allow for a LOT of interpretation. live-action is fun to look at but -#1) the garment already exists. i don't feel the need to replicate an extant thing; and it's stressful to self-compare to professionals#and 2) i KNOW the community says 'appearance doesn't matter' but it. still. does. influence people's interactions with & responses to you -#esp if you're working from live-action & guess what! very few TALL east asian women in any live-action properties with my specific vibe 🙃#(tamar kir-bataar is a recent one but COME ON that's just my warlock with bonus axes bahaha))#big ramble in the tags today#uhhhh to circle back around: anyways! despite my preference for Variations On A Theme over designing OCs;#i now have some possible New Character routes to explore. exciting.
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I need things to stop HAPPENING
#nothing's wrong i just seem unable to catch my breath#i work for eight hours and then i have something almost every night when i get home#movie nights or social nights or volunteering nights or nights where i just can't do anything because i had therapy that day#don't get me started on weekends#i volunteer for 2-4 hours on Saturday mornings and i have hangouts on Saturday afternoons and DND on Sundays#and that's without counting any of the many variable things that i may attend on a Saturday#pride is this weekend and don't get me wrong I'm really looking forward to going#but i need like 3 days where i sit in my house and no one asks me to go anywhere#i want to make as many of the volunteer things as i can bc it only happens for about 18 weeks out of the year and there's only 12 left#what about Thursday and Friday you ask? Thursday is also volunteering#because that is when the miniature horses have their classes and what am i supposed to do? NOT go help with miniature horses???#fridays are usually clear except for the occasional hangout#i don't know why i can't seem to keep a balance in my life#es dificil#anyway i have to leave for work thirty minutes early today so i can make it to the barn in time to get the minis ready#yesterday i had to leave two hours early because i had an anxiety attack that lasted well over two hours and persisted through a nap#where is the balance.... i enjoy doing all these things... but my energy doesn't....#anyway i need a rich person to decide I'm entertaining and sponsor me so i only have to work part time and i can do my funny little arts#that seems realistic right?
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Pacing back and forth rapidly rambling to my parents like a mad man trying to figure out whether or not I experienced sexism at film school today or if these guys are just assholes in a different way
#ramblings of a lunatic#like they made a couple comments about how one woman in the department (who's always stressed bc she has a busy job)-#-clearly doesn't ''like guys'' and gave them the wrong equipment to set them up for failure (??? okay???)#and proceeded to organise things so that. none of the other members (who were all girls and here's where i can't tell if it's coincidence)#-had ANYTHING to do on set. like didn't ask them to set up tripods (we all went to thr class where you learn to set up tripods...)#didn't ask them even to hold things or plug things in (they did ask me but only bc i spoke up and volunteered multiple times)#didn't even really talk to us much bc they were off in their own world setting up equipment (that we didn't need btw)#and i can't tell if they were just really focused or being exclusionary!#and i don't think there's a clear answer to any of this. if it did happen it's almost definitely unintentional.#it might've just been bad optics. again unintentional. and i don't know how the other girls felt or if they were bothered#so i can't claim to speak to collective experience#I'm just. I'M JUST PACING WONDERING IF I'M CRAZY#also i told them the one day i was available was today and they showed up and proceeded to have nothing for me (or any of the girls) to do#and now i don't even know what i could do. maybe ask the editor if they want an edit assist bc that's one of the roles#siiighhhh#also feel it's important to mention that one of the guys was on the autism spectrum#so i can't tell how much of it was exclusion bc he thinks he's the only one competent enough to do these tasks (and that coincidentally-#-the only other guy in the group is also the only one competent enough to help him)#or if he was just having a relatable social ineptitude moment where he didn't realise the rest of us felt useless and excluded#and i don't know how much that context effects the end result BC I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WAS REAL OR IF I'M JUST A HASHTAG FEMINAZI SJW LIB#UGH#(use of the word feminazi was ironic parody of the way sexists speak pls pls pls don't think i ever talk like that irl)
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#today i started thr math 31 course again (i did it previously in high school but now i'm upgrading to hopefully get a better mark)#and while doing the preview/review questions i was like ah! i will listen to music! so i pulled up the wolf 359 soundtrack because that's#what i have on my phone! and that was a mistake#i listened to wolf 359 pod a ton while studying for the math 31 final so having that association again obvioisly pulled up memories#and i fucking miss my friend so much#we were in math 31 together (it was literally our Only class together the whole time we were in high school) amd so we hung out while#studying! and i listened to wolf 359 while studying! and now starting it again and listening to wolf 359 music is like#friend where are you you are supposed to be here with me#between not seeing each other in school every day anymore and the pandemic and them moving to bc with their partner and#both of us being adhd we fell out of touch even though we were each other's best friend#the last time i saw them in person was christmas a year or too ago when we were able to sit and talk for a bit and exchange presents#we couldn't even hug because we were both concerned about covid. my family doesn't really do touch so thr last time i got to hug someone#was when i went to visit my friend thr february before the pandemic hit#and i mean we kept in touch for a little ehile but thrn we both fell off and were slow to respond to each other when we Did message#the last time we did more than one consecutive message to each other it was so... weird. they spoke like i was any regular person#not... me; in a way if that makes sense. like there was a sense of distence that'd never been there before#this christmas and their birthday i've wished them happy holidays and birthday and those they responded to but neither of us took#it farther; i messaged them today asking if they would be interested in us setting up a time to talk and catch up again and i haven't#heard back from them yet#i just miss them so fucking much#and i'm terrified i've lost them#i hope they're as healthy and happy as they can be wherever they are and whoever they're with#but i just want to talk normally with them and catch up and be friends like we were#i want that so fucking badly#a you're not going to see this because you're not on tumblr or at least you weren't before and you don't follow me#but i love you so much and i miss you and i hope you're well#i want things to be normal again. i want to be able to go visit you and not have to worry about covid. i want to have never fallen out#of touch with you. i want to tell you about all the new things in my life and hear you tell me the new things in yours#i want you to take the time in the middle.of your anniversary dinner to call me to ask about thr long term effects of cannibalism just like#you did before. i want to be able to spend time just existing in thr same room as you. i love you. i love you. i love you.
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To summarize today's day in university:
- got diagnosed with social phobia by a class mate (bitch?!)
- heard a Very cool lecture/presentation by a guest lecturer
- our lecturer said she kinda liked our idea for our presentation
- had lunch with friends in the uni canteen which was nice but evoked some existential despair
#about that social phobia thing: first she showed me the term on her phone during a seminar (when she couldn't talk loudly)#asking if i had that to which i said no i do not?!#then after class she again said 'i think you have social phobia. because you don't like talking to people or in class' *nodding knowingly*#to which i again said i did Not have it but ok whatever#because hello?! the only person allowed to say i have social anxiety is Me. fuck you?!#like I DO say i have social anxiety because i do i guess. but a) not talking in class is not an indicator for this#b) i Do talk in class lmao. and I've never actually had any problems around her regarding anxiety#like i have no problem talking to classmates or saying something in the classes we have together so Fuck Off?!#(i mean it is a giant problem sometimes in some contexts but STILL. YOU DON'T GET TO 'DIAGNOSE' ME.#i hereby officially undiagnose myself from that thank you very much)#ANYWAY do you know the feeling of meeting someone you really look up to like maybe an author or a musician or whatever in REAL LIFE#AND YOU GET TO TALK TO THEM? that excitement where you're like 'omg i can't believe that's happening i can't believe you're here in a room#with me TALKING TO ME? and I get to hear about something unpublished you're working on rn?? like exclusive insight into current research???#that was me today during that presentation by that guest lecturer! I've read most of her articles and at some point idk i guess you find#researchers in your field whose work you just find Very interesting and then when you get to meet them it feels a little unreal#(not to fangirl over a linguist or anything. i rarely do that (don't speak to me about my favorite lecturer who i also totally don't see as#a huge inspiration or anything))#but yeah also i was so worried about the presentation next week but now our lecturer said she didn't hate the topic I'm more chill about it#AND yeah sorry folks‚ healthcare doesn't exist here :( no i can't help you find a doctor there's no hope just accept it#I LOVE the fact that international students keep bringing up this topic! the sheer despair and Anxiety you get to hear about! fantastic!#like I'm sorry about this obviously but that's just how we live here? What do you MEAN in your country you just can go to a doctor FOR FREE#and they'll help you? what yeah man I'll come to Russia with you! (seriously. this is one of the main things preventing people from staying#here. the absolute Lack of healthcare. people who are like 'yeah i love it here but honestly? I'm too scared something might happen#and then no one will help me.. yep. understandable. i have just accepted that i will die due to this#but if you have the option to go (back) to a country where things are different I'd do that tbh.#(sorry just normal lunch conversation topics we have here#i still feel very nice and fuzzy because i was invited ahahaha (i have a sad life lmao))#shut up amy#university ramblings
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i am losing my fucking miiiiind
#i have a new years eve 'party' with a few friends tomorrow and I made the mistake of mentioning to friend N that I was gonna make cookies#and fudge to bring because. you know. i like cookies and fudge. duh. self-explanatory. i want to bring cookies and fudge.#and N (who i stg needs to be With Her Friends at least six days a week or she will die or something) was like 'we should bake them#together that morning!'#and i knew i couldn't say no because any time I say no or that I don't want to do something or that I don't like something it becomes#a fucking interrogation so i was like fine. whatever. we can bake them together.#except THEN she said that she doesn't like fudge!!! so let's not make fudge!!! oh but actually she has a gReAt cookie recipe from her#baking class last semester! we should use that! and we should make cupcakes too!#and i'm like GIRL????? THE WHOLE GODDAMN POINT WAS THAT I WANTED SOME MOTHERFUCKING FUDGE????#so fine. whatever. i just made fudge and I can cut it up tomorrow and bring it like i'd planned#because i knew if i said i really wanted to make fudge with her she'd get all pouty and 'pretend she's fine' but not really#and i didn't want to deal with that. i know how to make fudge. i can make my own fudge.#and then she mentioned that she didn't really like vanilla cupcakes but hey we can totally make both vanilla and chocolate cupcakes!#which is great because i like both! so that works out really well!#well i offered to bring the vanilla cake mix and guess what.#no come on guess#you'll never guess#she said i didn't have to worry about that because she doesn't really like vanilla cupcakes :D#GIRL??? WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION????#AND she said she'd buy the ingredients and waited until today and then had a panic attack and didn't leave the house SO that's gonna cut#into our baking time tomorrow. which honestly I would be thrilled about if her two solutions were either I meet her at the store at#baking o'clock OR she goes shopping first thing and then we still meet at her house at baking o'clock#like no! go buy them! i'll meet you at baking:30#I'll meet you at baking + one hour#i lack the mental capacity for this I stg#i wish she had more than three friends because she's the only friend I see on a regular basis and it's still not nearly enough for her#OOOOH FRIEND H WITH THE CLUTCH! SHE SAYS SHE PREFERS CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES SO WE'RE MAKING BOTH NOW#you know. if we have time. since we have to buy the ingredients first.#it's gonna be a trainwreck i already know it#we baked together one (1) time and that was my birthday cake (and I tried to say I didn't like x flavor and she was like 'but whyyy it's so
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Also sinus headache is back :/ At this point I'm starting to fear this is just another one of the pains that my silly boy of a body is going to be perpetually subjected to
#these are so bad my God#it's to the point where a normal headache doesn't affect me in any way#since it's not as delibrating as these#I did my Japanese class from my bed and it helped a little#but I have to get up and I Know what it's going to feel like when I do#it's fine if I don't move#I just feel lots of pressure on my face and mild throbbing#but once I get up I will start seeing things from beyond this dimension#also my joints hurt today too :)))#I took Ibuprofen but it didn't do shit#so I guess burning through the last few of my arthritis pills it is#it's gotten way too cold way too fast and my body Does Not Like That
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I’m online too much because little things annoy me I think sdljfhskdjf
#arceus supposedly being shaped like a hand is so stupid like you can just cut the head off any quadrupedal pokemon with a tail#that doesn't make them hand-shaped ksdhfksjdfkh#also people complaining about teachers eating lunch like bro teachers have a union-mandated 45-#inute lunch that they're supposed to take to not do any schoolwork but most teachers have an open door during that time anyways#it's not a personal slight to you if they don't immediately spit out their salad and jump to do every request every kid has 😐#also covering the mouth like yea okay you want to see chewed-up food????? you want teachers to make sounds like#like Klimpaloon the Magical Old-Timey Bathing Suit Who Lives in the Himalayas#??????????#ugh today in particular things are shit though. finally got 7 hours of sleep for the first time this week...... by sleeping all day 😐#the day before my fucking final project is due for the only class that matters for my career 😐😐😐
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#ehehehe self sabotage my beloved#when i desperately dont want to do a social event thing that i kno i could just say no to#my brain is like: well it's not enough for u to just not want to do it. ill give u a reason u can't go. ill justify that desire#and i have to sit here resisting terrible impulses. sigh... i just neef my brain to stop being broken#and i dont wanna go to lab lunch tomorrow. i dont want to awkwardly engage with people. ive been such a wet blanket recently everything out#of my mouth is anxiety shrapnal. but i should go. bc i like my lab mates and this is how ppl make memories#how they differentiat one dsy from the next. blah. but i just wanna lay here#idk srry i just feel really weird today. head full of cotton. soul partly outside my body#and i dont know what days im supposed to have off next week. or this week i mean. like is tomorrow a day off?#i dont think so. i think maybe classes are off all week but idk if i still have to work as staff. idk it doesn't matter ill do all the same#stuff anyway. blurr all my days together so i cant remember any of it wjgh specificity#sigh... i still have so much to do#unrelated
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