#and despite not actually being attracted to them I just briefly imagined this entire future of our sunny/moon romance

[sunnibits]

literally who is gonna be the 🌙 to my ☀️… where are they……

[thrillridesz]

walkin’ in time ▫ sangyeon

➳ pairing: single dad!sangyeon x female kindergarten teacher!reader

➳ genre: fluff, angst, single dad!au, kindergarten teacher!au

➳ warnings: mentions of divorce

➳ word count: 11.6k

➳ fic playlist: walkin’ in time - the boyz | run away - txt | memories - sabai | full of life - fairlane | 8 letters - why don’t we | this feeling - the chainsmokers ft. kelsea ballerini | red - taylor swift

➳ special thanks: @fullsunsays​​ for helping me to proofread and offering her invaluable opinions when this fic was still halfway done + @ateez-little-star​​ who i have cameoed in this fic for being such a sweet mutual and a lovely friend of mine here on tumblr!

a/n : only semi edited!

“Goodbye, Miss y/n!”

You flashed Sungchan a warm smile despite the tired look in your eyes and your less-than-presentable appearance with your messy, tousled hair and paint splattered clothes from a long day at the kindergarten. The boy flashed a toothy grin at you as he held onto his mother’s hand, tottering away cheerfully and at the corner of your eye, you caught Chanhee looking at you with admiration in his expression.

“Wow, the kids sure do like you a lot. Much more than the rest of us for sure.”

You felt your cheeks grow hot at the compliment as you lowered your head shyly. You are not one to be used to receiving compliments but ever since you started your job here at Sunny Hearts Kindergarten, it seemed as if everyone had nothing but praise for your performance - both parents, fellow teachers and students alike. Since you were a high schooler, you had always known that you loved working with children. There was just something about the little ones with their bright smiles and lively mannerisms that warmed your heart. To be able to be in a job that allowed you to light up the lives of the future generation and possibly make an everlasting impact in their educational journey, it all felt extremely exciting to you.  

“Thanks, Chanhee.” You said softly, a sweet smile gracing your face. Just then, you became briefly aware of a presence lingering behind you and you swivelled around to see Jeno, a doe-eyed boy from your art class. Instantly, you could tell that there was something wrong. His eyes were red and you could tell that the polo tee he wore was tear-stained and you could vaguely hear light sniffling from him. He tugged nervously at your skirt and you knelt down until you were level with him.

“Hey buddy, why are you crying?” You asked in a concerned voice, ruffling his soft hair lightly.

He lifted his head tentatively, peering at you from beneath his eyelashes where a stray teardrop hung and you very gently rubbed it away as he remained silent as though he was too shy or upset to speak. Looking around, Jeno’s eyes swept the room and you realised what was going on. The lobby was almost empty by now with all the cubicles for the children’s bags all emptied and shoes from the shoe cabinet all gone. The sky was darkening with every second as a low, eerie rumbling sound came with a looming patch of dark clouds. The familiar sounds of chatters and laughter had completely disappeared by now only to be replaced by a lonely, deafening silence. With a backpack that was clearly too large for him, Jeno’s shoulders were slumped over and his expression drooped sadly, causing your heart to ache for him.

“It’s ok, your daddy will be here really soon! He’s probably just busy but he’ll be here.” You coaxed, holding and rubbing his tiny hands in yours and feeling the tension dissipate slightly from his being.

Beside you, Chanhee shook his head in disapproval, tutting.

“The man is always late.”

You didn’t say anything in return as you bite down on your lower lip, unsure of what to say. You knew that Jeno’s father was a busy man and the times you had actually been able to meet him in person, he looked exactly like a man overworked in his office job. Lee Sangyeon was almost always late to any parent teacher meeting or closing time, sometimes even entirely failing to show up as evident from the times when Jeno’s grandmother showed up instead. The few times you had seen him, he had bags under his eyes and had an unkempt appearance with a mangled tie and wrinkled office shirt almost every single time. As a single father, it was obvious to everyone how hard he worked just by the way he looked so deeply exhausted yet so alert for the next call from his office. There had been quite a number of times when Sangyeon had had to excuse himself just to take a call in the middle of fetching Jeno.

Although you try to keep your work separate from your personal feelings, you had to admit that many times, you had felt your heart beat just a tad too quickly whenever you did see Sangyeon. From the way his smile would grow wider and the way his eyes lit up whenever he came to pick up his son on the few occasions he did, anyone could tell he loved and adored his son very much. It was the sort of look you saw on a man that would do simply anything for his child. With his dashing good looks and the air of a mature, responsible working man, Sangyeon was also quite easily sometimes the subject of gossip among the mothers though he did not seem to have noticed it.  You didn’t blame them, you too found him deeply attractive. If anything, the years did a good number on him.

You swallowed thickly.

You never told anyone at work about this but you had known Sangyeon back in high school when he was a senior and you, a freshman. Even back then, he had his good looks and was easily one of the most popular boys in school with his exceptional talent in the sport of volleyball and stellar grades. In a way, he felt almost untouchable and so deeply out of reach to everyone besides his own group of friends. That cheerful smile of his would light up any classroom and field he walked into and both the student body and teaching staff alike adored him for him. The boys used to want to hang out with him while the girls used to send him love letters every other day. You on the hand, kept mostly to yourself. With very little friends, life in high school was quiet and uneventful yet you would never forget the way Sangyeon made you feel. He was after all your very first love… As much as you hated to admit it.

You gritted your teeth at the memory. No, it won’t do to bring up past grievances.

All you could be thankful for was that since Sangyeon was a couple years older than you were, it meant that he had graduated earlier than you did. Not seeing his face around school was probably the better part of your high school years. With how busy school was, it wasn’t very long before you found yourself pushing him out of your mind but somehow at the back of your mind, you knew he always did claim a part of your heart for himself… Even as those memories continued to linger as well.

So imagine your shock when you first saw him a little over a year ago at the gates of the kindergarten you worked at. It felt weird seeing him again but at the same time, you could stop the warm, soft feeling of excitement coursing through your veins. It was like clockwork, the same sensations you felt all those years ago coming back - the fast pounding of your heart and the growing heat in your cheeks. Yet right after, there was that sense of dread that came back stronger than ever, sort of like a bad aftertaste. With the good memories, also came the bad memories from back then and just seeing him in the flesh after so many years was enough to break open the dam and allow these memories to come rushing back. Tried as you might to block them out, it wasn’t easy but you managed to keep your personal feelings at bay.

When you found out later that he was divorced, you couldn’t help but feel a jolt of happiness in you which you quickly stifled, shocked at yourself. Somehow it felt wrong to still harbour feelings for him but you tried your best to convince yourself that those were just because of your memories from high school. You probably don’t actually still have feelings for him… Or do you?

Shaking your head, you decided you weren’t going to think about it despite the growing anticipation in your heart as you turned your attention back to little Jeno. It wasn’t like Sangyeon remembered you anyways - He didn’t mention a single thing when the two of you met.

Quickly, you reached into your back pocket and drew out a toffee candy. You always had some at hand, both as a snack and for cheering up the children whenever they were upset. It worked almost instantaneously and you watched as Jeno lit up, his cheeks turning rosier by the second as he smiled brightly at you before grabbing the sweet. Maybe it wasn’t really a good thing, to always cheer your students up with sweets since it could cause cavities but you knew Jeno loved them and he looked so sad that you just couldn’t bear to leave him be.

“Hey, y/n?”

“Yeah?” You turned to Chanhee and immediately frowned when you saw the expression on his face. “What is it?”

Chanhee shuffled uncomfortably on his feet, his hands fiddling with the keys as he cast you a sheepish look. In his other hand, he held his phone and as he waved it awkwardly at you, you could only sigh in resignation.

“Your wife?”

Chanhee’s face grew slightly pink as he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, his eyes looking everywhere but you.

“Y-yeah… Duty calls. She’s forgotten her keys again so I have to go home and open it for her.”

You peered outside at the darkening sky and little Jeno perched comfortably on the stool, sucking lightly at the toffee sweet in his mouth as he watched with a child-like interest at an ant trailing across the floor. Glancing at the clock, you decided maybe this week’s episode of ‘The Stealer House’ (which was your all time favourite show) could wait. After all, you could always ask for updates from your best friend, Jasmine.

“Alright. Go on, I’ll lock up.” You smiled, extending your hand.

“Thanks, y/n! You’re a lifesaver! Coffee. On me. Tomorrow. I’ll see you!” Chanhee said gratefully, slinging on his messenger bag before making a beeline for his car.

As Chanhee drove off, you and Jeno could only sit and watch as the first drops of the evening rain began to fall upon the earth in soft pattering sounds. You sighed deeply. The rainy season was here. Over the past few weeks, there have been downpours after downpours. At first, they happened on alternate days before it became more and more frequent. It had rained earlier this morning but it seemed as if it might start again any time soon.

A short moment of silence befell as you simply sat next to Jeno, who fiddled with his tiny fingers as his legs dangled above the ground from the stool.

“Well, would you like to do anything before your daddy comes?” You asked good-naturedly, peering down at him.

Jeno turned to look at you, his eyes big and bright.

“More candy!”

You chuckled softly, shaking your head.

“Too much candy isn’t good for you, Jeno. Plus, your daddy will get upset if you get a toothache because of it.”

Jeno pouted, huffing a little as he turned away, swinging his legs.

“I wish I could eat as much candy as I want without getting a toothache.” He murmured petulantly.

“Same, Jeno. Same here.” You smiled before a sharp knock on the door caused the two of you to look up.

Sangyeon was standing outside, absolutely drenched from head to toe, his hair clinging onto his face and neck in wet strands. The white collared office shirt he wore was absolutely soaked and clung on uncomfortably to his skin, the rainwater still dripping from the ends of his hair and clothes. His hand which held his briefcase was shaking and you could see his chest heaving up and down as he trembled ever so slightly from the cold.

“I’m… I’m here.” He panted, his voice shaking as the chilly wind bit harshly through his freezing skin and into his bones.

“Oh my god!” You exclaimed, eyes wide with alarm as you rushed over and immediately opened the door. Upon entering, Sangyeon collapsed in the tiny stool which was sitting by the door, the wooden material creaking slightly under his full weight. His face was pale and you could tell that he had ran the entire way here under the unforgiving, violent storm outside. Quickly, you hurried into the locker room, throwing open the towel cupboards.  Frowning, you rummaged through the piles of fabric until you found one large enough for him. Rushing back, you handed Sangyeon the towel, which he accepted gratefully through chattering teeth. Amidst the commotion, Jeno could only sit and stare blankly at his father.

“D- Daddy?” He said, confusion in his expression. Jeno had never seen his father in such a bad state before even when he was really sick so this was all very worrying for the little boy.

“Hey, l- l- little guy. Sorry… Daddy… W- was a little l-l- late.” Sangyeon stuttered, still reeling from the cold but trying to keep up a strong front as he plastered on a weak smile.

“Do you need something hot to drink?” You asked, concerned. Your heart skipped a beat as Sangyeon looked up at you, his eyes dark yet unintentionally intense. He smiled softly at you despite the cold that racked his body.

“T-That will n-not be necessary. I j-j- just need to s-sit for a m-moment,” he said before continuing, “D- Do you mind?”

“No, I don’t. Please take all the time you need. The storm out there is insane, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I noticed you didn’t drive over today?”

Sangyeon shook his head, looking down.

“Some people borrowed our car! Daddy said they will return it to us soon.” Jeno piped up, a huge smile on his face as though announcing an exciting piece of news. “They had a really cool robot like a fishing rod-”

“Jeno!” Sangyeon scolded and the colour on his cheek returned. Jeno stopped mid sentence, his face crumpling ever so slightly. You looked on, flustered.

“It’s fine! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.  I um… I’ll get you a mug of hot tea anyways, it helps with the cold.” You said, waving your hands in front of you frantically before running off to the kitchen.

As you waited for the kettle to reach a boil, you found your mind drifting to what happened earlier. Did their car get towed? Why? Sangyeon didn’t seem too happy when Jeno mentioned it… Was it because they could no longer afford it? The loud squeaking of the kettle shook you from your reverie and you hurriedly prepared the tea.

“Thanks.” Sangyeon mumbled, receiving the mug with both hands. He looked considerably better than he did earlier, having stopped shivering and the colour returning to his face and hands. You couldn’t help but realise how large his hands were as you handed him the mug of hot tea and when his finger lightly grazed against yours, you almost withdrew instantly which would have sent the mug crashing. Handing Jeno a small packet of banana milk, you sat opposite the father-son duo and stared out at the rain which hadn’t eased up at all. At this rate, neither of you would be able to go home. The wind outside was so strong that the trees looked dangerously close to snapping and the number of times a flash of lightning zapped across the sky was terrifying.

You turned to look at the clock.

7:06pm.

Usually, you would have been on the way home if not for the rain. You were so transfixed at the clock that you failed to notice Sangyeon staring at you.

“Do you have to be somewhere?”

You jumped, looking a little frazzled, not expecting him to strike up a conversation at all.

“Um, no. I don’t.” You forced a smile despite your nerves which were kicking in.

“Oh.” He said quietly as he took another tentative sip of his tea.

“How’s the tea?” You smiled, lacing your fingers together. The awkwardness in the room was almost suffocating and you would have given anything to get yourself out of this situation. It didn’t help that you found the man sitting across from you so deeply and hauntingly attractive even if he looked as if he just went through some sort of hell with his scruffy appearance. The all too familiar melty sensation from high school was coming back and you had to hold yourself back from relieving those teenage girl tendencies.

Get a grip, y/n.

“It’s pretty good. You make really nice tea.” He smiled, his eyes crinkling into crescents and you felt your chest tighten.

“Doesn’t look like the rain is going to stop soon.”

The carpark lot outside was practically mildly flooded with rainwater while dark clouds continued to loom over the earth outside. It would be impossible to venture outside without getting completely soaked even if one had an umbrella or raincoat on. The nearest bus stop and subway station was about a good 20 minute walk away and that was on an ordinary day. With the rain outside coming down so relentlessly, it would likely take more than 45 minutes.

“Yeah… If only I had a car.” You said, only to immediately regret it. Sangyeon’s eyes darkened and he sank into his seat.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine, please don’t apologise.” He replied in a kind manner, though he wouldn't meet your eyes out of embarrassment. “We… Couldn’t afford it anymore. You know… The um, road taxes are getting pricier and pricier. If only I still had the car, I could have sent you home. Instead, you’re stuck here with me and Jeno. I’m sorry for coming so late, I should have planned my time better...”

“Ah, please do not apologise! It’s ok, I understand it completely!” You spluttered, feeling anxious. It was odd to see him so down and come to think of it, it was probably the most emotion and actual conversation you had gotten out of him since the first time you’d seen him again here at the kindergarten. Even then, it wasn’t the kind of emotion or type of conversation you had envisioned having with him and you disliked seeing him like this. In a way, it also struck you that the Sangyeon that was sitting in front of you was different from the one you knew back in high school.

The Sangyeon now seemed much more guarded, defensive yet weirdly… Mature. It was like he grew up and experienced so much more of adulthood than most would at his age. At 28, many guys his age would still be enjoying the remaining years of their supposed youthful years - going to clubs, travelling with friends and going on dating sprees. Yet here he was, having married young, had a son and then divorced all before he even hit 30. It was definitely surprising to know that this was the very same guy that everyone in high school thought had it all going for him. As the school’s star volleyball player and captain of the school team when you both were still students, most were willing to bet that he would be signed by a major sports league of sorts but it never happened. Instead, he went to university to study accountancy and met his now ex-wife which he had clearly divorced. The Sangyeon in high school was exuberant, outgoing and full of life. You distinctively remembered how the two of you had crossed paths the very first time in school.

“Can’t we just go another time?” You whined to your best friend, Jasmine who dragged you by the wrist down the corridor.

Swivelling around to look at you with an indignant expression on her face, Jasmine rolled her eyes before smirking. Her hair flowed gracefully behind her as the two of you glided down the hallways, much to the confusion of some who watched the two of you pass.

“Nope. You won’t regret this, trust me.” She winked.

“What about volleyball could possibly be more interesting than watching my favourite twitch streamers play Minecraft and Pokémon, the two greatest games ever created?”

Jasmine stopped short, her mouth hanging open.

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am.” You replied huffily. “If you don’t mind, I’m going back to my laptop.”

“Oh no, you’re not. You’re a teenage girl. It’s not everyday you get to live your teenage years so you’re coming with me!” She snapped, grabbing you and running down the stairs. You tried to keep pace with her, your feet moving quickly in line with hers so you wouldn’t fall and break your neck or something. Sometimes, you forgot how unfit you were as you struggled to catch your breath. Maybe it was time to stop bingeing YouTube and those delicious chocolate bars you have stashed under your bed so your mother wouldn’t find them.

As you guys entered the volleyball court, you could see crowds of students from all grades cheering from the bleachers, some with banners in their hands and others with inflatable plastic sticks and their phones to document the ongoing match. It was the start of the sports season in schools and on this particular afternoon, the volleyball team was supposed to have their very first preliminary match against another school from downtown. The atmosphere was chaotic with the sound screaming and cheering almost deafening you. The thumping of trainers against the waxed wooden floor was irritating your ears and the huge scoreboard on the wall above felt intimidating with its large flashing red numbers counting down the match. The players in the court were so involved in their game that not once did any of them look up to check the timing, their eyes all firmly trained on the ball as they hurried to serve. Nobody seemed to notice you and Jasmine either as the two of you took your places at the side of bleachers.

Everything was moving so quickly that you didn’t even know what was going on exactly. To be honest, you didn’t have a clue which team you were supposed to root for either. Are the guys wearing the white jersey shirts the ones from the school’s volleyball team? Or was it the ones in red and black? It was all very confusing. Nevertheless, it took almost no time for you to get bored out of your mind. Your head was pounding from the loud noises that surrounded you and you wanted so desperately to go back to the tranquility of your homeroom. You didn’t understand volleyball either which meant that nothing really made sense to you.

Looking at Jasmine, you could see that she was engrossed in the game. Following her eyes, you held back a chuckle at you realised who she had her sights on. Of course, it was Younghoon. You must have heard her gush over the volleyball team’s vice captain over a million times by now. Even as someone who abhorred sports and never kept up with the sports news in school, you knew Younghoon simply because of how many times she had talked about him. You could understand why she would though. There was no denying that he was an attractive guy, with shiny raven hair and a firm stance that exuded coolness. However, you had other things on your mind. Like Minecraft… And Pokémon.

Quietly, you inched away, careful not to alert her. You were so close to the double doors when you suddenly felt an ominous feeling strike you. It took you a split second to turn around and see a ball hurtling towards you at about a million miles per hour.

THUMP!

You felt yourself fall down onto the floor, your head throbbing. Your vision was blurring up and you could feel the dizziness set in as the court gasped collectively. You felt your cheeks heating up. How embarrassing! You could vaguely hear a woman (most likely a medic) ask you how you were feeling but you couldn’t get yourself to focus. All you wanted to do was get up and remove yourself from this humiliating situation.

“I am so sorry, are you okay?”

Suddenly, you became briefly aware of a strong, rough hand gripping onto your forearm firmly but gently. The touch felt soothing and it sent a jolt of electricity down your spine and immediately you snapped your head to look up at the owner of the voice. What you saw, made the words at the back of your throat hitch.

Never in your life have you ever come face to face with such a handsome face. His coffee brown hair cascaded in soft locks over his dark eyes and as he knelt down to help you, you felt your breath hitch. Was it even possible for a guy’s lips to look that… Soft? The red and black jersey fit him perfectly and the sleeveless cutting brought out the muscle definition of his arms and you could feel yourself getting shy. It wasn’t long before mortification set in. You must look like a complete idiot in front of him!

Instantly, you reeled back as if burned, withdrawing your hand away from him. He stiffened, his eyes widening in surprise. The medic tutted, shaking her head at Sangyeon.

“She needs space. I’ll take care of her, you go and play your match, be more careful while you’re at it!” She snapped and Sangyeon took a tentative step back, a sheepish expression on his face and uncertainty in those dark eyes. You could sense the hesitation as he debilitated whether to help or not.

“Hey, Lee Sangyeon! Get back in there! The girl will be fine!” A portly man screamed at him from the sidelines, most likely his coach.

“Sangyeon.” You mumbled his name under his breath. You had heard his name only in passing, sometimes Jasmine would go on about the volleyball team and at times, you’d heard her mention that very name. This guy was the volleyball team’s captain?

Sangyeon turned back to you, an uncomfortable look on his face as he mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ before bolting back into the court and to his teammates who patted him reassuringly on the back and casted you looks of guilt.

“Oh my god, y/n! Are you feeling alright?” Jasmine hurried over, her brows furrowing together with worry.

“Y-yeah… I’m good.” You could only reply dumbly, your sights still fixed on the boy who had most certainly captured your heart for his own.

Ever since that day, you remembered how you would always run down to the volleyball court with Jasmine even without her asking. It was real funny how just a single gaze could have you so smitten with someone. When you did see him playing, you would try to make yourself comfortable at the bleachers, trying not to look too conspicuous. In the hallways, you would run the other way whenever you saw him but peek around the corner just to catch a glimpse. It was all a very new feeling to you, the exhilaration and nervousness you would feel whenever you saw him around school. Sure, you still loved Minecraft and Pokémon but there was something about Sangyeon that made you feel some type of way. It was like the warm feeling in your chest you’d get on a cold, winter morning when you sit by a fireplace with a mug of hot chocolate in your hands. It was like the feeling of momentary happiness you would get when you win a prize at the claw machine. It was like the slight tingle you would get when you experience static.

It was your first love.

Maybe it was love at first sight then. Cupid had finally pulled its arrow on you. Suddenly, it seemed as though everything about Sangyeon was interesting to you. You would perk up whenever you heard his name in a conversation and when you saw him, you couldn’t even hide the bashfulness in your expression. Smart and caring, he was perfect. Many people seemed to have thought the same, what with his insane popularity in school. He was always surrounded by people that it made it difficult for people like you to even get close or attempt to befriend him.

“...Y/n? Are you alright?”

You snapped out of your thoughts as Sangyeon waved a hand in front of you, trying to get your attention.

“Sorry! What were you saying?” You asked, embarrassed at having gone off on a daze like that. Sangyeon regarded you with curiosity, a little unsure of what to make of you.

“Um, nothing much. You just stared off into space.” He said slowly. Beside him, Jeno was fast asleep with his mouth slightly ajar and a bit of drool leaking from his lips to his shirt.

“Oh, he’s asleep!”

Hurriedly, you took off the cardigan you were wearing and placed it gently over the boy’s sleeping form. There was an unexplainable look in Sangyeon’s eyes as you did but he remained silent.

“I… Sorry, I guess I’ve just been thinking about some stuff.” You smiled, feeling the nerves kicking in. Sangyeon raised an eyebrow, holding the hot mug of tea closer to himself. The rain outside was still as violent as ever and it didn’t look as if it would be easing up anytime soon. A beam tugged at the corner of his lips.

“Well, would you like to talk about it?”

Looking at that smile that made your heart flutter, it was almost laughable how he had almost no idea the effect he was having on you. Quite honestly, you surprised yourself with all these emotions that were now bubbling up once again. In a way, you didn’t think you still had it in you but your crush on Sangyeon even from all those years ago must have had a huge impact on you. Your heart was picking up its pace and if you weren’t careful, he might be able to hear it. Sensing your apprehension, his smile dropped.

“Sorry, I must have crossed the line. I was just trying to make conversation.”

“Ah, no. You haven’t. I just… It’s something very personal to me.” You mumbled under your breath and Sangyeon nodded weakly.

“I understand.”

At that moment, he let out a large sneeze and very nearly tipped the tea he had in the mug. His nose was becoming redder by the minute and it was clear that he was close to catching a cold.

“Are you alright?” You asked, reaching forward and placing a hand on his shoulder.

Sangyeon waved his hand, looking slightly embarrassed.

“I’ll be fine.”

It was at that moment the both of you became aware of your hand on his shoulder and just how close your proximity was. Your hair was just brushing against his face and your lips were mere inches away. His eyes seemed to hold entire galaxies, bright and luminous as they were, especially so under the dim lighting while the storm raged outside.

Quickly, you leaped back and he cleared his throat awkwardly, his eyes looking everywhere but you. You could feel the heat rapidly rising up to your cheeks and you could feel your words getting stuck at the back of your throat, unsure of what to say. That was when you noticed that the office shirt Sangyeon was wearing was still sticking uncomfortably to him, the wet and cold fabric causing him to shiver ever so slightly. You briefly remembered Chanhee stocking up some extra shirts, towels and slacks for the staff just the other day when a painting class went out of hand.

‘For convenience’s sake’, he had said when questioned. At that time, you had laughed at him for being too cautious and overreacting. To think they could actually come in handy now was extremely ironic, though it might not have been for the situation you had in mind.

“We have some extra shirts and pants in the storeroom if you need. The shower is just right there.” You said softly, still feeling a little rattled from what happened earlier.

Snapping his head up, Sangyeon wrinkled his nose.

“You have extra shirts and pants here? Of my size?”

“Um yeah, one of the teachers thought to buy some cheap ones when we had an unfortunate painting incident  the other day. We had a bit of a paint fight in the nursery classroom,” you said, laughing a little just at the memory of what happened.

Sangyeon smiled warmly, the amusement shining in his eyes.

“That must have been some paint fight.”

“It was!” You bobbed your head up and down. “Wild.”

“You sure it’s not a problem for me to just use the shower?” He asked, a little hesitant.

“Not at all!”

As he stood up, you couldn’t help but notice that he towered over you. Sure, he had always towered over you but it still felt so nerve wracking to have him standing before you like that with his wet hair slicked back and the white shirt clinging onto his body. You tried to keep your sights trained firmly on the ground, trying your best not to look as you led the way. The feeling of him just trailing behind you sent shivers down your spine that had nothing to do with the cold. Yet somehow despite the fact that it got your heart doing some pretty intense backflips, his presence was also weirdly... comforting.

The tantalising aroma of convenience store fried chicken and corn dogs hung in the air as you stepped in, pulling the hood of your jacket furtively over your head, your eyes scanning the area. The snacks were displayed beautifully on the metal racks and the frosty machine whirred softly in the background over the melody of the then trending pop song played on the radio but you had no eyes for it. Pulling your jacket over your body to conceal your uniform, the tension in you only dissipated when you found no one but the bored cashier standing by the cash register who was too busy filing her nails to even care that you stepped in.

Had you found a teacher in here, you would have been toast. Walking idly down the racks of delectable snacks, you could barely hide your glee as you took in the vast variety of junk food in front of you. Barbeque chips, white chocolate biscuits, animal shaped gummy candies… It was heaven on earth. You scrunched up your nose as you thought of the standard fare probably being served back at the school canteen. No doubt, it was probably the same old stale carbonara pasta and salad made from withered up lettuce and soft tomatoes. Just the thought of it was enough to strike disgust in your heart. Rounding the corner, you almost jumped at the sight of a group of boys seated at the far corner of the store. It took you about a second to realise that they weren’t teachers but rather fellow rulebreakers from school and relaxed.

It must be nice to have a group of friends to do such lawless things together. Jasmine would always chastise you for leaving, refusing to come with you. Easy for her to say, she always had such beautiful packed lunches from home. You, on the other, had only your own allowance to rely on and there was no way you were going to spend it on the food offered in the school’s cafeteria.

You were so engrossed in the selection of snacks before you that you failed to even notice the overlooming dark clouds outside and the light, methodic pattering sound of tiny raindrops against the glass windows. As you stood before a choice of either a ham and cheese sandwich or turkey sandwich, you wondered if you brought enough money. Whipping out your purse, you did a quick check only to cry out.

Pouring out a few pennies onto your palm, you could feel your heart crumpling. How could you have forgotten to bring money of all things? Your stomach growled audibly and you whimpered, feeling like you were about to cry. Grazing your fingers over the wrapped sandwiches longingly, you started to make your way out of the store, dragging your feet as you did. Looks like it’s back to measly school meals.

Yet as you opened the door only to be greeted by a now heavy downpour, the urge to curse out loud had never been stronger. You had completely forgotten that it was now the rainy season. Now, you were not only going to be hungry but also cold at the same time. How did things turn out so badly?  Turning back to look at the cashier who didn’t even glance up, you decided there was no right way about it. Your choices were either to brave the rain or be late for classes.

As you stood despondently staring at the rain and reflecting on your life choices, the group of boys from earlier stumbled out of the store, laughing as they did.

“I’ve honestly never seen him like that!”

“It’s definitely something new. Oh hey, it’s raining guys.”

“Wow, it happened so suddenly though. Just a moment ago, it was fine.”

Glancing at them, you felt yourself subconsciously inching away. You never were very good with people, especially boys. To say it felt awkward was an understatement. It was embarrassing as well, knowing that you’ve made an empty trip and got caught in the rain. There was no way they’d know what happened but it didn’t stop you from feeling self conscious about it.

“Well, I think I’m gonna make a run for it! Last one back to school pays for lunch tomorrow!” One of them called out, dashing out into the rain.

“Hak, what the fuck!” Another yelled before the rest of them set off, their shoes splashing against puddles as they did. Some of the rainwater splashed over onto your own shoes and you gritted your teeth but said nothing.

There was the tinkling sound of the convenience store’s door charm as the door swung open.

“Hey guys, I- Oh, hell no. They did not just do that to me.” Someone said breathlessly  from behind you.

You froze. That voice…

Turning around slowly, you found yourself staring at the one and only, Lee Sangyeon. Instantly, your cheeks began to burn and your heartbeat began to pick up its pace. Of all places and of all people, why him?! Looking away quickly, you tried to calm yourself down. It’s a mere coincidence, maybe if you don’t say anything he won’t-

“Um, hello?”

This cannot be happening.

You swivelled around to look at him as you tried to calm your beating heart and as you did, you could feel that warm feeling you felt ever so often whenever you saw him around school despite your nervousness. With him just right in front of you, it all felt extremely nerve wracking. What do you even say?

“H-Hi?”

“Did you happen to see a group of guys out here?”

“I…” You thought of what had happened earlier. “Um, yeah. They just left though…”

Sangyeon sighed, looking resigned. Keeping his head down, you thought you saw a tint of pinkness in his cheeks before he snapped his head up, his hands planted firmly on his hips as he stared at the torrential downpour. Shooting him furtive glances, you noticed that he had nothing on him either.

“Do you not have an umbrella too?” You asked tentatively.

“...Yeah, I don’t.” He said sheepishly. There was a moment of brief silence where neither of you uttered a single word. Checking his watch, Sangyeon clicked his tongue.

“What is it?”

“It’s 1:15pm, time’s almost up.” He replied, holding up his wrist to show you the time. The butterflies in your stomach disappeared instantly only to be replaced by an uncomfortable gut wrenching feeling instead. You couldn’t afford to be late! You have a math quiz right after lunch! You were already barely scraping by Mr Moon’s class and if you flunk or god forbid, miss the test entirely, it would be a guaranteed fail for the class which would mean that you would have to retake it next semester.

Sangyeon must have noticed the sickly palour on your face and the sheer fear in your eyes because his voice had taken on a gentle tone as he asked, “Do you have something urgent to get to?”

Nothing could have hidden the anxiety and shakiness in your voice as you replied, “I have a math quiz at 1:30pm.”

For a moment, Sangyeon didn’t say anything. Then, he took off the jacket he was wearing and in an instance, he had draped the jacket over your head. Surprised, you looked up at him. He wore a warm smile on his face as he said, “Ready to run when you are.”

“But..! You-”

“I’ll be fine.” He stared out at the pouring rain. “Well, a little rain won’t hurt.”

You could have thought of about a billion different ways to reject him but the fear over missing your math quiz quickly overwhelmed all those thoughts and you had no choice but to dumbly agree. You didn’t like inconveniencing people, especially not Sangyeon but there just wasn’t any good way to turn him down, not when he was looking at you so kindly and so expectantly at that. Sangyeon must have sensed your hesitation because he shot you a reassuring look.

“I’ll be fine.” He reiterated, smiling.

You didn’t say anything but you could feel a sense of warmth growing in your heart despite the cold outside. Somehow, his voice had a calming effect on you and you began to break into a run. He followed suit, the both of you dashing out into the rain with you shielded under his jacket.

While the two of you ran, you couldn’t help but sneak a few looks at him, feeling the butterflies in your stomach flutter more whenever you did. His side profile highlighted his strong, handsome features and the shadows brought out the definition of jawline and darkness of his eyes. The rainwater gave his skin an almost shining look, water droplets dripping from the tips of his fringe. The water had seeped through the white material of his uniform and the fabric stuck his skin, bringing out his athletic shape. He looked almost as handsome as he did the first time you saw him, that one memorable moment despite the hard hit on your head.

As you stared, he suddenly turned to look at you and for a split second, the two of you made eye contact before you turned away rapidly, your cheeks burning. Why is it that you feel so warm even when it was freezing? Your heart felt like it was about to burst and for a moment, you wondered if he could tell you had feelings for him. Did he remember you? He must have. You don’t just give your jacket to someone… Right? Perhaps it was his way of apologising for the hit though to be quite honest, having him talk to you seemed like enough already. You never were very lucky in love or around your crushes and many times, you would have never exchanged even a single word with your crush out of shyness and fear. This was probably the furthest you’ve ever gotten with someone you liked.

As the two of you finally stepped into the school lobby, Sangyeon was soaked through, the water droplets still dripping down the side of his face. Shaking his head to get the water out, he ran a hand through his hair and you tried not to look. He shot you a grin which you returned.

“Hey, it’s only 1:24pm. We made it.”

“We did, thank you so much for that.” You thanked him shyly to which he brushed off, chuckling.

“It’s alright. No problem at all.”

‘I… I guess I’ll get going?”

“Ah, alright. I’ll see you, y/n.” He smiled before he gasped, suddenly remembering something as he ruffled through his pockets. Drawing out a chocolate bar, he handed it to you. You stared at his outstretched hand, confused.

“Take it.”

“Why?”

“I saw- I have an extra one and I’m not exactly allowed to eat chocolate right now because of competition season. I thought you might want it?”

When you didn’t say anything, he continued quickly, “I mean, that is if you want it of course.”

You could feel your stomach growling just looking at that sweet, heavenly bar of chocolatey goodness and it suddenly came to you that you have not had lunch. Normally, you would have flat out rejected an offer like that but the way he was looking at you with those kindly eyes made you think twice. There was no way you could say no to Sangyeon.

“Thank you.” You mumbled, taking the chocolate bar from him and his smile widened.

“By the way, I-”

Before he could say another word, the same group of boys who you had identified to be his friends came from behind the lockers several aisles down. Some of them were laughing as one of them slapped him across the back. They seem

“You’re finally back!” An upperclassmen you recognised as the school’s baseball team’s pitcher, Changmin said, patting him on the back. “See, guys? I told you guys he’s going to go for it. He’s not as big as a coward you guys think he is!”

“Fine, fine. Take your bet.” Another who you knew was referred to earlier as ‘Hak’, grumbling and slapping a wad of notes into Changmin’s hand.

“Didn’t think you’d actually do that, Sangyeon. I should have bet that she wouldn’t accept-” A red-haired friend of his stopped mid sentence, his face palling as the group began to notice that you were still standing there. The rest of the group seemed to have noticed at the same time Sangyeon’s face had turned properly red by now and his lips were moving but you couldn’t hear a single word he was saying. The shame of it all was blocking out everything and your face was growing hotter and hotter by the second until you felt almost positive that you could explode. Biting so hard on your lower lips that you were almost sure you were going to bleed, you shied away as he took a tentative step forward.

“Y/n, please…” He reached out to hold your hand but you shrugged it away, keeping your head down and trying to keep your breathing steady.

“Please. Please don’t.” You choked out, taking another step back like a wounded child. Quickly, you turned and bolted out of the lobby and into the corridors. The chocolate bar you had in your hand dropped to the floor with clatter against the linoleum floor and you didn’t even care to see if it broke into fragments just like your heart just did.

As you ran along the noisy walkways where students were chattering among themselves and enjoying the last minutes of their lunch break, you couldn’t help but keep your head down, your thoughts lingering on what happened earlier.  

The shame. The humiliation. It was all too much.

Sprinting into the restroom and locking yourself in the cubicle, you had to take a moment to just breathe. Did that really just happen? How could you have been so gullible? You should have known that that was too good to be true - who would have been that nice? You almost wanted to laugh out loud at yourself just like those guys are probably doing now. God, you were such a fool. It was over before it even began.

Sniffling, your vision was beginning to get blurry from all the tears and softly, you whispered, “Lee Sangyeon, I’ll never forgive you.”

Since that day, you would avoid Sangyeon whenever you saw him around. No matter how far he was, just the slight indication of his presence was enough to send you running off in the opposite direction. It was difficult to say the least, to avoid someone within such a small neighbourhood high school. You would hide behind Jasmine or bolt off to the nearest restroom whenever you saw him walking towards you and after a while, she got the message as well, assisting in your escape attempts all the way till Sangyeon’s graduation. The last time you ever saw him was up on that stage with that warm, kind smile of his receiving his graduation certificate up until this year when you met him again when he came to pick up his son, Jeno.

“Hey, you okay?”

You blinked, shaking yourself out of your thoughts and looked up to see Sangyeon staring down at you. His hand was planted against the door frame of the shower making his build seem so much larger, with the other hand outstretched and it took you a moment to realise that he was waiting for you to hand him a spare shirt you had in your hands. Outside, the rain was still pouring down on the earth. The light above had begun to flicker and the room was growing dimmer by the second, the only source of light coming from the moonlight, the flashes of lightning and the dying light source from the ceiling.

Looking at his outstretched hand somehow triggered memories from the past and despite your determination to keep the past in the past, the bitter feelings still resurfaced and with it, it brought anger and frustration. You were no longer the meek girl you were in high school, you were stronger than this. While you fought these feelings that threatened to take control, Sangyeon peered down at you with concern, sensing that something was wrong.

“Y/n?”

The sound of his voice calling your name was just about enough to tip you over the edge.

“Why did you do it?”

You could see the flicker of shock that crossed his face, having been caught off guard at your question. It took you about a second to realise what you had just said. Covering your mouth, you stared at him with wide eyes. You could have kicked yourself. How did you let your feelings get the best of you? He probably doesn’t even remember and you might have just made a fool out of yourself. Again.

For a moment, Sangyeon said nothing and the only sound that broke the silence was the sound of the storm outside.

“It was a misunderstanding.”

You were not expecting a reply. Taken aback, you could only look at him, speechless. The words were stuck in the back of your throat and your palms were beginning to get calmy. It felt like you were being transported back to that very moment in high school.

“You remember?”

Sangyeon’s eyes were full of regret as he whispered, “Yes. Yes, I do.”

Sangyeon couldn’t help but let his eyes drift back to you throughout the remainder of the game.

It was getting increasingly difficult to focus on the game and although he knew how badly the team needed to clinch this victory, he couldn’t help but keep looking out for you.

Were you all better? Did the ball hit you too hard?

These were the sort of questions that floated around in his mind as the match went on and every so often, he’d turn to check if you were still there and every time he looked, you would be watching and just the thought of you having your eye on him was enough to give him the boost he needed to perform his best.

It was weird. He barely ever felt this way around anyone else. The many girls that have come forth professing their crushes on him never even came near and here he was being completely smitten by a certain someone. My, how the tables have turned. There was just something about you that simply… Struck him. Your beauty to him was astounding in a very heartwarming and comfortable way. It was like one of those moments when you meet someone and you just knew that you liked them.

It was as if he had fallen under the spell of Cupid. The captain who had never had a crush and always prioritised volleyball and studies was now seen keeping a conscious lookout for the girl who had captured his attention for herself with just a mere gaze. He would look out for you during recess, around school and sometimes during practice when he knew admirers of the volleyball team would come to watch. His heart always soared whenever he did catch a glimpse of you. It was funny how he normally had no problem talking to people but when it came to you, he was as shy as a mouse.

Sangyeon’s friends had caught on relatively quickly, jumping on the rare opportunity to tease the no nonsense, studious volleyball team captain about his little crush on you. Many times unbeknownst to you, his friends would drop a few hints here and there, implying at his supposed crush on you. It was definitely unsettling and embarrassing to say the least but he did not dare jump in for fear of exposing his secret - the fact that he did in fact fancy you.

“Guys, are you actually kidding me right now?” Sangyeon asked, simply radiating with what felt like an intense mixture of anger, frustration, disappointment and dejection. Watching that expression of dismay and sadness on your face did terrible things to his heart, akin to someone pushing a dagger into it and twisting the blade. Part of him did not want to believe that had actually just happened before his very eyes but the sight of the broken chocolate bar on the floor confirmed his worst fears that this was indeed the reality.

When he saw you in the convenience store, it took everything in him not to act like a lovestruck teenager. He tried his best not to pay you any attention but it was practically impossible. It was like whenever he turned away, there was this irrepressible urge to turn back and he just didn’t seem to be able to keep his eyes off you. It was embarrassing to say the least, even more so when his friends caught on.

“Are you ever going to talk to her?” Juyeon asked, rolling his eyes.

“... What do I even say to her? I want to talk but I don’t want to look stupid.”

“Since when have you ever?” Haknyeon chipped in.

“Hey, she’s leaving.” Changmin said suddenly and quickly, Sangyeon turned. “Did she not get anything?”

“I saw her looking into her wallet earlier and I think she probably didn’t have enough money.”

“Is she really skipping lunch?” Sangyeon thought, frowning. Imagine making the effort to sneak out the school and then not having enough money to buy a filling lunch. As the group began to clear up, he stared at the row of chocolate bars on display on a nearby rack. Was this going to his chance? As he stood pondering, Changmin nudged the others. Instantly, they exchanged a knowing look.

“Hey, Sangyeon. We’ll be going out to take a stretch, can you help to clear the rest?” Haknyeon asked.

“Wha-? I uh, yeah sure.” He waved them away without a second thought. Do girls like chocolates for lunch? It’s definitely not your conventional lunch option but he had read somewhere that gifting someone chocolates was romantic and girls liked them as gifts. Sangyeon had zero experience in such things so all he could do was trust the advice he’d read online.

It had taken everything in him to not freak out when he found that his friends had left him alone with you but almost as soon as he talked to you, he couldn’t be more grateful. This was his one opportunity. He didn’t know if you remembered him but he didn’t care. All that mattered was this moment. His heart fluttered and it felt like he was on edge, fearful of making a fool out of himself. He didn’t even think twice about shielding you from the rain. Sangyeon was never one to tolerate the cold very well but for you, he felt more than willing. As the two of you ran, he had been extremely conscious of himself. Were you well shielded? Was the pace of running okay for you? Could you… Hear his heart pounding?

This was not how he envisioned things to go. Just when he thought he finally had a chance, it was ripped away from him. Weeks. For weeks, he had been confronting his own confusing feelings for you. For someone who always knew what he needed to do and what his goals were in everything he did, his feelings surrounding you were the one thing he was never able to comprehend. In a way, you were an enigma he struggled to figure out. Feelings were always a complicated thing to dissect but especially when they came to you. Was this how the people who confessed to him felt when he rejected them? Sangyeon had never thought too deeply into how they might have felt - all he knew was that rejection was supposed to be a  natural part of life. He never thought himself as someone who feared rejection yet this time, it was the one thing he dreaded. Rejection would have been terrible but what was even worse was the fact that you were hurt… By him. He had destroyed his own chances once and for all.

The urge to lash out at his friends was strong - he wanted to yell and go off but he knew deep down it was all a misunderstanding and a terribly unlucky case of ‘wrong time, wrong place’.

“We… We are really sorry, Sangyeon.” Changmin apologised quietly, not even daring to look him in the eye.

“Please forgive us.” Haknyeon added, his voice full of remorse and guilt.

Taking a deep breath, Sangyeon closed his eyes and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t possibly blame them. He knew they meant well.

“It’s okay. I’ll try to… Fix this.”

Except he couldn’t. Whenever he came close, you would run off in the opposite direction as if you’d just seen the devil himself. There was no way of coming close to talking to you. His friends had tried to come close but you pushed them away as well. You no longer came by to watch his matches and the growing guilt and sadness had a profound impact on his performances. He didn’t feel like he played as well as he did when you were around. In a way, you were the Daphne to his Apollo. You were the one person he couldn’t have and it pained him. Knowing that you were hurt as a result of his own actions pained him even more. Eventually, he knew he had to give up and as graduation drew near, Sangyeon kept his heart and feelings locked away. He was more invested in his studies and games but none of it felt like it really mattered. He was doing it for the sake of doing it.

Even as he went onto university, it felt tortuous to carry with him the knowledge that he had hurt someone he genuinely never meant to hurt. It might seem childish in hindsight but perhaps… That might have been first love that never was. Many nights, Sangyeon tried to push you out of his mind, trying so hard to convince himself that his feelings were merely fleeting but deep down, he knew they weren’t. Yet as time went on, he began to gradually lock away his memories and even found someone who he married thought as much as he’d never admit it, that strong feeling of comfort, warmth and joy he felt around you was just never there. It wasn’t really any surprise that he had gotten divorced barely a year into the marriage. Communication between him and Mina broke down completely, with regular verbal fights almost every other night. He no longer saw things the same way she did and they disagreed on virtually everything. The screaming, yelling and crying just wouldn’t stop. It was a relationship that drained him both emotionally and mentally. Many nights, he would fall asleep on the couch and wake up with intense back aches that only worsened as he carried around a heavy backpack to work every other day. The two of them went from being best friends and a couple to being almost completely strangers in their own home.  Eventually, Mina had barely spared a second thought before packing up her bags and leaving him with a barely 3 month old toddler. It was definitely a union he regretted but the one thing he never did regret was his son, Jeno.

Jeno was the one constant in his life. For a long time, it was just the two of them while he struggled to make ends meet as an accountant for a small paper supply company. Life was average to say the least, it wasn’t fantastic but it wasn’t bad either. He was living in a different part of the country with his son and a small, secure studio apartment. There was nothing out of place and everything was on track. Though, the good times wouldn’t last. When his company went bust, it felt like everything was collapsing right before his very eyes again only this time, it was worse. He had a 3 year old son with him and was unemployed with the threat of eviction trailing closely behind them, breathing down his neck. It felt like the walls were closing in fast around him, leaving them both no room to breathe. He would have been left homeless if not for his friends and connections.

It was a blessing truly when Juyeon hooked him up with an accountant job with a medical supply company. The only problem was the fact that he would have to move back to the very town he had attended high school in, the very period of his life when he had suffered his first heartbreak. As he packed up his bags on his very last night in the city, he wondered briefly if you were still there.

Sangyeon sat at the edge of the bed, looking at the packed suitcases that sat at his feet. Beside him, Jeno was fast asleep. Softly, he ran his fingers through his son’s hair and he smiled. Did it really matter? Even if you were still there, things weren’t like how they were back then when he actually still had a chance of salvaging things. He never did get to know how you really felt about him but he was almost certain that you might still hate him. Maybe you might have forgotten or maybe you might have even moved away. For some reasons as much as Sangyeon didn’t want to confront his past again, he still felt his heart sink at the prospect of not seeing you again when he went back. He never did acknowledge it but you had always claimed a part of his heart for yourself all these years. Even as he alighted from the plane back at his old hometown, Sangyeon had very little expectations.

He never expected much but the shock that hit him was still almost numbing when he first showed up at Sunny Hearts Kindergarten with Jeno. There you were, in the flesh after almost 10 years. You were still as beautiful as you were in his dreams and although he wanted so desperately to talk to you, he knew he should keep his distance. It wouldn’t be right to bring up such memories. He wasn’t sure if you recognised him but he most definitely did. When you looked him in the eye, it took all his power not to do anything stupid. It felt like coming home in a way but to a home he wasn’t familiar with.

“I… I had no idea…” You whispered breathlessly as he told his story.

The room was dark, the power supply having malfunctioned, leaving the two of you in the dark. Hearing Sangyeon’s story in that voice you loved so much was surreal and almost even a little overwhelming. It felt like you were knocked out of your wind. For a moment, there was only the sound of the raging storm outside while the two of you sat in bated silence in the locker room. There was a weird yet familiar tension in the air and after a while, you managed to choke out.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Although you couldn’t see Sangyeon’s face, you could hear the softness in his voice.

“You didn’t give me a chance to.”

A flash of lightning zapped across the sky and for a brief moment, you saw the pain in his eyes and it was like something in you clicked. It was the lock you had kept on all those repressed feelings you ever had over the years. Deep down, you knew you had felt the same. You loved him, you loved him so deeply it hurt as did he. The both of you were just two souls in love yet too obstinate and clueless to fight for the love the two of you so deserve. It wasn’t resurfaced feelings - it was feelings that had been locked away for too long, waiting for the right opportunity to be freed and expressed freely.

Sensing the tension, Sangyeon grew flustered, stammering as he did.

“Look, I-I get it if you still don’t-”

His eyes widened as you crashed your lips on  his. His soft lips moved slightly against yours as he stiffened. Slowly, he melted into the kiss, his hands coming up to cup your face. Your hearts were beating in unison as the two of you became simply locked in the moment, two long lost lovers locked in a tight embrace. As he withdrew, he whispered, “This. This is what I’ve been yearning for since Day one.”

There was so much affection, love and longing in his voice that it almost made you shy. Bowing your head, he chuckled deeply as he tilted your face up ever so gently with 2 fingers, making you look him in the eye. The moonlight from outside made his eyes seem all the more reflective and it felt like for a moment the two of you were back in that volleyball court, exchanging that very first gaze that led to so much hurt, misunderstandings and repressed feelings over all these years.  

Suddenly, the lights flickered back on and you were so surprised, you jumped back. In the bright light, the redness in Sangyeon’s face was all the more apparent and instantly, he cowered back.

“I-I… I’m sorry! I don’t know what came over me…”

“Um…” You bit down on your lower lip, unsure of what to say. You knew you wanted to say something but what exactly do you say to a long lost first love who you just shared an intimate moment with?

“Hey, the rain has stopped.” He remarked, looking out and you had a slight inclination that he was trying to cover his blushing face.

“Yeah, it has.” You said slowly.

“Daddy! Miss y/n! Where are you…!” Jeno’s cries from the lobby resounded through the corridor.

“Oh, he must have woken up!” You cried, getting to your feet and making your way over with Sangyeon following closely behind. There was an almost giddy look in his eyes which you felt your heart tightened at the sight of before you realised, you might be wearing the very same expression.

As you locked up the Kindergarten later, you felt Sangyeon standing just beside you, shuffling his feet as if there was something on his mind. Behind him, Jeno was busy jumping into puddles and you lowered your head, like a shy schoolgirl in love which was honestly how you were feeling.

“Would you… Would you be down to join us for dinner?” Sangyeon asked quietly, peering at you with those eyes that seemed to carry entire galaxies in them.

As you looked at him, it all felt like homecoming. This was what everything came down to. A failed high school first love up until this very moment. The man before you felt both so familiar yet so foreign in the best way possible. There was just so much you wanted to talk to him about. All those years the two of you missed, the lost love that the two you could have had… Thinking about it all almost made you emotional all over again. 

Finally. After all these years, you have found it.

“Okay.”

[ofgoodmenarchive]

The sixth in a series of drabbles exploring my Blood Mage!Dorian.

Trust Fall

  “Careful with him-” Dorian grunted, shifting Lavellan's weight to a new pair of arms. “He's lighter than he looks- but his stature is still rather cumbersome.”

Noting his advice, the healers were cautious with their new patient, trying their best not to leave any limbs dragging. Dorian had carried him through the fort and now deposited his lifeless form at whatever passed for a surgeon's station. Hopefully their abilities surpassed the low expectation he had of this Southern, backwater hovel.

Released from his charge, he collapsed in exhaustion, back-against-wall, vaguely overhearing scraps of dialogue from within. Not even a gasp was allowed before his insides wrenched painfully, as if a small inferno struggled for escape.

Dorian jerked forward with a hiss and Desire sprung from it's host, swaying and dizzied.

  “For-the love-of-!” Though he squinted in displeasure, his shadow barely offered a glance before slipping through the door- after Lavellan.

With a groan he slouched into brick, not having the stamina to protest.

Paw-pads echoed softly through the hall- Lunis' dropped into his lap a second later.

  “Oof!” Sighing wearily, he pet the dog. “Yes, yes, that's a good boy...”

For a short time he sat and lamented the whole blasted affair. Not that there was anything to do for it- even if he could convince his Desire to abandon it's attraction, Thedas would be in disarray without its Herald. Then how would Dorian continue his much-favoured lifestyle of roaming, drinking and pleasuring?

Still- he was irritated. Drained of energy and lacking immediate options- Lavellan was in no shape to sustain him in any manner. If he couldn't locate a butcher for some meat or blood or some such, he'd be reduced to hunting vermin in the cellars. Not a favoured meal by any stretch.

  “I SAID- NO!!” A familiar voice barked out, brimming with panic- “DO NOT TOUCH ME!- THE BLOOD MAGE! I SAID- FETCH- THE- BLOOD MAGE!!”

Jostling practically out of his robes, Dorian and Lunis swerved to face the door in tandem. It flew ajar, revealing a servant who had led them into the property, pale-faced and obviously shaken.

  “L-Lord-um?” He struggled to address, a whirl of smashed glass and incoherent Dalish warring behind.

  “Pavus.”

  “Y-yes, ah, Lord Pavus- the Herald, he- no one can get near him! He's asking for you...”

For a second he didn't think he heard right- why would Lavellan ask for him? Just some hours prior the man had been undecided on whether or not to gut him like a 'Tevinter pig'!

Back on his feet, Dorian sprinted inside, where he was met by a trio of petrified healers, recoiling from the Herald. With radiant blade unleashed he stood in a corner, a cot toppled near him, along with a mess of fractured potions and poultices.

If the healers looked scared- Lavellan looked more-so; in his wide-eyed, snarling terror he'd chosen 'fight' over 'flight', the feral warping of his face ensuring to all that he would strike them down without hesitation.

  “Herald- I'm here!” Dorian situated himself between the healers and Lavellan, arms outstretched. “You can put that down! No one's going to touch you!”

Wordlessly, that rabid gaze flit between Dorian and the servants over his shoulder. Following the motion, he understood.

One of the healers looked dreadfully familiar- though last they'd met, his features had been significantly bloodied.

Granted- in the future they'd visited, that man had likely been corrupted in some manner, enslaved by Venatori. Obviously Lavellan couldn't be expected to digest such a nuance, not with his wounds- the physical and mental- so sorely fresh.

Dorian recognised immediately that everyone in that room would have to leave.

  “OUT!” He bellowed, whirling upon them. “All of you OUT!”

They hurried to obey, door slamming at their departure.

Lavellan bucked against the thrown cot, swearing in garbled Dalish as his weapon clattered, whatever adrenaline had willed his muscles to grip now absent.

  “I'm going to need to take a look at your arm.” Dorian said slowly, not yet approaching. “Will you allow me, my dear Herald?”

He was briefly sized up but soon offered a nod and Dorian was permitted to close the space between them. First he righted the cot, gently guiding Lavellan to relax upon it. All the while he was stiff as tree-bark, despite yielding to hands that steadied him.

  “...You know...” He decided to mention, thinking it might help. “Those men in the future- they were enthralled, influenced by the Venatori...”

  “I do not care.” Lavellan answered solidly, glowering at the floor.

  “...You've never been through any sort of torture before, have you?”

To this no reply was given- which said enough. It occurred to Dorian that as intimidating and firm as the Herald might appear, he'd probably lived an uneventful, idyllic life before coming into his namesake. That would fit in with what little of his upbringing he'd shared previously.

The poor fool was likely terrorised out of his wits. It was miraculous that he could speak in full sentences at all, or could come to such simplistic reasoning as 'Blood Mage saved me, therefore safe'.

A testament to how hardy he was under all that blood and matted hair, Dorian thought. Discarding such admiration for now, he honed in on the Herald's injuries. Asides from his anchor-bearing arm, he seemed only scraped and bruised- if not awfully malnourished.

  “Alright, just hold still...” He cooed, unwinding bandages from the mutilated limb. “I'll try to be gentle...”

Muscles flinched but didn't recoil, Lavellan remaining in stony quiet. With the wrappings cast aside Dorian was able to properly inspect the damage; flesh terribly scarred, covered in stitches, marred by old stitches that had been removed, then replaced anew. Incisions on top of incisions on top of incisions, malformed dents and whirls creating a mess that barely resembled a shoulder-blade anymore.

It occurred to Dorian with some dismay and horror that they'd simply begun yanking out muscles and ligaments when nothing else bore fruit. It was no wonder Lavellan could hardly move his arm- it was a wonder he could at all, let alone to threaten healers with a magical blade.

  “...You're actually missing pieces of your arm and shoulder, I assume you're aware?”

Lavellan merely issued a grunt.

  “...Alright, well, just sit tight.”

Turning away from his patient, Dorian perused what alchemical resources had been unharmed by the minor Dalish rampage. A well-mixed regenerative potion could regrow the vacant flesh overtime, though his arm would never work as well as it used to. With some of Dorian's own abilities to manipulate the process, there would be a better chance at adequate recovery- and a speedier one, which he imagined was important.

He began picking out chemicals and mingling them together, explaining as he did;

  “...I'm mixing a potion for you. It should numb most of the pain and eventually mend some damage- but I must inform you, my Herald...the destruction is severe. The best I- or anyone can do...is to prevent you from being crippled entirely...”

He noted that Lavellan's mouth twitched- the mildest of spasms. Asides from that the elf said nothing and made no eye contact, his expression a wooden mask.

With a tired exhale Dorian sat before him, potion in one hand while the other raised, curling to poise against a ring he always wore.

  “Do you trust me?” He inquired meaningfully, eyes pinning to the elf's face until he found it in himself to meet Dorian's gaze.

Mutely, Lavellan nodded.

  “Then trust me when I say this is for your own good, and won't benefit me in anyway.” It would, in fact, only add to his weariness, after such a long day with nothing to 'eat'.

The Herald continued to view him in expectant silence.

Tugging at a concealed hinge, Dorian pulled it apart from his ring and swiped the blade along his fingers, red instantly oozing from the slit. An old trick he'd acquired if he ever needed to utilise blood and no one else's was handy. Today, his blood in specific was precisely what he required.

Lavellan did not cease his observation but nor did he react- merely watching.

Dorian proceeded to dribble his life-force into the potion, squeezing until minor injuries clotted. He then swirled the bottle, allowing his vital liquids to assimilate with other ingredients, until the contents were dyed pinkish.

  “Drink up, Herald.” He held out the end result and was a little alarmed by how it was simply removed from his hand and sipped, barely afforded a second look.

  “You need to drink the whole thing.” He directed.

  “It tastes metallic.” Lavellan pointed out, flat.

  “Well, yes,” Dorian snorted. “That's because there's blood in it.”

Shrugging with his able shoulder, Lavellan gulped down the rest, wincing slightly at what had to be a peculiar and sharp taste.

  “It should stop hurting so much soon- and you might start feeling more relaxed.”

Though his chin bobbed in acknowledgement, still the elf had nothing to add.

  “Well...let's have them bring a tub in here, hrm? I'm sure you'd like to attend to your hygiene, after being stuck in a kennel for Maker-knows how long.”

Not waiting for a verbal response- there had been few thus far- he strode off to the exit and was thankful to spot that same servant, idling for any sort of command.

  “Have a tub filled and brought here, will you? Just because we're in Ferelden doesn't mean he should go about smelling of dog- and have one filled for me too! Elsewhere, wherever.”

When he turned back towards the room, Lavellan was regarding him strangely.

  “...Something the matter?”

  “You are leaving?” The elf mumbled, the strangeness of his gaze increasing.

  “Well- for a few moments...we both need a bath- and you're already caked in enough dirt for two.”

Lavellan appeared to battle with something internally, shoulders hunching, teeth gnawing a lip.

Eventually, he found his voice- as small as it was.

  “I do not trust the people here.”

  “I...” Dorian faltered, not predicting this. “Well, they're your people, my Herald...”

  “Are they?” He mumbled sourly, withdrawing further into himself.

  “...Alright, wait just a moment-” Sticking his head passed the door-frame, Dorian called. “Lunis! Where in the void did you-”

Feet scampered by, the loyal wolf almost shoving him aside in its haste to enter and pounce upon its master, who snorted with a hint of cheer, embracing the overgrown pup to his chest.

  “There you go! See, Lunis will look after you.”

The creature snarled in agreement, wriggling merrily in Lavellan's grasp.

  “Very well...” He said into Lunis' fur, very quietly. “...You may go.”

  “Why, thank you so much for the permission!” Dorian chuckled, rolling his eyes as he departed to locate wherever his own tub was being prepared.

On his way he felt Desire glaring at him as they walked- and needn't wonder why.

  “Yes, yes, I'm being terribly decent- I know you can't stand it.” He huffed, trying to dismiss his shadow. “But he's just so...pathetic right now. It's not especially attractive!”

Desire glared harder.

  “I know it's attractive to you- but that's because there's something wrong with you- more than usual!”

Waving the demon off, he tried to ignore how several bystanders were oddly spectating what appeared to be signs of madness.

 --

 Washing up swiftly, Dorian meandered to the kitchens, searching for anything that might sustain him in the meantime- blood, bits of fresh meat, anything. He did manage to come about a few scraps and was then prepared to watch over Lavellan.

He was surprised to catch sounds of laughter on his approach- subdued as they were. Sauntering into the room he found Lavellan sitting in a tub- with the bloody dog, of course! Southerners and their bloody dogs! Dorian was beginning to regret and resent his own gift, watching as a nude Herald covered the beast in suds and cackled as it flailed about, spraying bubbles everywhere.

  “...You know, the whole point of the bath was for you to smell less of dog...”

Lavellan blinked at that, Lunis panting contently alongside.

  “What is wrong with the smell of dog...?”

  “...You're certainly Ferelden, I'll give you that.” Eye-rolling along with his snark, he picked a towel that had been laid out with a fresh set of clothes, waving it to gain the Herald's attention. Obliging him, Lavellan clambered out and stumbled into the fabric, allowing Dorian to fold it around his wet frame.

He couldn't help but notice that even in his tumultuous state, the elf's body-heat sky-rocketed at any brief touch. Leashing himself was a trial- fairly sure that if his hand or mouth happened to slip, Lavellan would be more than receptive to the comfort.

Which was exactly the problem- he couldn't have recovered much of his sense yet. Dorian found he loathed the idea of adding more stimulation to what had to be frazzled, overworked nerves.

They should at least get one nights rest before he started thinking of anything like that...

  “Here...” He said awkwardly, patting through the towel. “Do you need help getting dressed?”

  “I think I can manage.” Cheeks blushed, the elf slipped passed to reach his clothes and Dorian faced the sodden wolf, submerged happily in soapy water.

  “...I'm not drying you,” He pouted, still juggling his resentment. “The bath wasn't meant for you anyway!”

With a mournful howl Lunis leapt from the tub, scrambling to brush soaked fur onto Dorian's robes.

  “What?! Stop that! Bad dog!!” He near-wailed, feeling truly assaulted while stumbling around the room, wolf at his heels and Lavellan snickering.

  “Now we all smell of dog, so there is no reason to complain.” He quipped, voice muffled by the shirt he was wrestling onto his torso.

  “Ugh!” Completely disagreeable, Dorian stormed for the other end of the room and flopped onto a mattress.

Soon Lavellan climbed onto the one opposite, accompanied by trotting paw-pads. Lunis hopped onto his same cot, curling against the Herald's chest, who appeared soothed by utilising the beast as a large, rumbling pillow.

Dorian again underwent a pang of envy- then annoyance, as he considered how ludicrous it was that he now longed for the placement of a dog.

He imagined Desire echoed the sentiment; his last memory before slumber was of a dark silhouette perched by the Herald's bed, staring intently.

[homogrimoire]

Birds of Paradise and Prey

Fair Game Week 2020: Day 4 - Birds / Soulmates

Read it on AO3 here.

Clover was standing at the door of his and Qrow’s apartment. He was nervous, despite all the planning he had done, and even getting some advice from Tai, Ruby, and Yang. And despite the nervousness, he was also excited. Has finally going to ask Qrow out. He would have liked to have done it sooner, but the war against Salem had taken up so much time, and even after, there wasn’t much time to do so. The brother gods of light and dark hadn’t really done the world any favors, only taking care of Ozpin and Salem before abandoning the world for good, as well as destroying the relics, their purpose fulfilled. This meant that grimm still lurked about. And without anything making any demands of them, they became more erratic and dangerous. As a result, people had to adjust to a more overtly dangerous world. Of course, the people of Remnant soon adjusted to the chaotic world and society stabilized once more, for they all had each other to lean on and turn to.

The dark continent where the chaotic grimm arose from an otherwise calm sludge had become even more inaccessible. The grimm were a problem that could not be solved in their lifetimes, but they all accepted that. They saved the world from Salem and the brother gods. They had done their share in protecting the world. Some of them continued traveling, paving the path for future generations to follow in hopes that they would dispel of the grimm entirely. Some decided to settle down a little.

Qrow was one of these people. He felt that he had spent too much of his life moving from place to place, with so little certainty. He wasn’t old, but he certainly wasn’t getting younger, so he decided to settle down as a teacher at Signal and help protect the place from grimm when needed. Naturally, Clover followed him and got a job at Signal as well, thanks to his Atlesian experience and Qrow vouching for him. After his near death experience in the tundra, he quit the military and joined Qrow and his kids. During all this, they had grown closer and closer. Yet, despite some sexual encounters here and there, neither had made the move to take it a step forward, both feeling that there was too much else to do. With enough time spent contemplating, he knocked on the door. After a moment, Qrow opened the door, surprised to find Clover standing there instead of just having used his key.

“Hey, Qrow. I was wondering if you would like to make me the luckiest man alive, and go out with me?” With a slight bow, he revealed the flowers he had hidden behind his back, suggested by Yang, with some pointers from Tai. Most noticeable in the bouquet were some flowers that had orange petals, almost feather-like in shape, that jutted out in various directions, with a few slender blue petals scattered here and there. They were certainly the focus of the bouquet, and had caught the attention of the man he was asking out as well. However, with Clover right in front of him, they would only hold Qrow’s attention for so long. As Qrow looked back at him, he gave one of his signature winks.

“I think you know the answer to that, Lucky Charm.” Qrow smiled back at Clover as he graciously took the flowers. “Well, I’m guessing you already had the whole day planned out, so lead the way.” Qrow held out his hand, and Clover took it, intertwining their fingers. Briefly, Qrow wondered if it all was a bit too much just to ask him out, but a voice that sounded like Clover’s told him that he deserved nothing less. After spending so much time with Clover, building up his confidence in himself and learning to control his semblance, he wasn’t going to argue with that. He knew he deserved to have good things, and knew that this wasn’t just something he wanted, but something Clover wanted too.

Their first stop on their first official date was Qrow’s favorite place to eat, which he learned from Tai. It was a quiet little cafe, owned by a couple, that he liked to frequent. It was away from the mainstream area, therefore attracting less attention to itself and its patrons, and served good drinks and food. As such, it had a solid following of some loyal customers, Qrow included.

“After you.” Clover said as he opened the door for Qrow.

“Ever the gentleman. What did I do to deserve you?” Qrow asked sarcastically.

“Be you.” Clover replied earnestly, earning a light blush across Qrow’s cheeks and a small smile from the man.

“Ah, Qrow! Nice to see you so soon again.” the cashier-owner asked in a thick accent. “Aye, and look at you! First you tell me you quit alcohol, and now you bring boyfriend who give flowers! I’m happy for you. I tell Lyre, so they give you congrats next time. They be happy for you too.” From embarrassment, Qrow’s light blush grew into a much more visible blush. “So, what want? I tell this first date, so I give half off.” they said.

“Really? Thanks, I appreciate it.” Clover said. “Lucky us, huh Qrow?” He gave Qrow a light elbow jab as he smirked.

“That never gets old.” Qrow laughed. “But, yeah, thanks Gray. I’ll take a velvet cake. And you, Clover?”

“Hmm,” he contemplated, “ooh, I’ll try the shamrock milkshake.”

“Going on a cannibalistic streak now are we?” Qrow joked.

“I might be.” Clover said with a sly look as he slayed alon.

“I better watch out then, you might eat me next.” Qrow replied smugly, knowing very well what he said.

“Qrow!” was all Clover could say as his face began to flush. However, the cashier-owner just laughed.

“Aye Qrow, you always make me laugh. But don’t worry. Is mint. Is just called shamrock cause I put shamrock on top. Aye, I go make food, and pay me later so I can say goodbyes.” With that, they walked to the back of the kitchen, and Qrow and Clover found a comfortable place to sit. They talked and joked and laughed about the things their students were doing, as well as the things their kids were up to. They were so caught up talking to each other, they almost didn’t notice Gray come out with their sweets.

“Here you are. I gave couple’s cake and couple’s cup size. I know how much couples like to share with each other.” They said as they placed the sweets between Qrow and Clover. “Now, I be in kitchen. Just call if need be. Enjoy! Oh, and be careful. He likes his cakes too much” they warned Clover as they chuckled.

“Thank you, and I will.” Clover said as they left. “They’re pretty nice, huh?”

“Mhmm.” Qrow replied, mouth full of cake. “I first took Ruby and Yang here way back when. I liked it here, so I kept coming back, even without them. And well, you see how Gray is, their spouse Lyre is pretty much the same. Its hard to be distant with both of them. And me and Lyre got along pretty well too, being named after birds and all.”

“Sounds nice. Can't really get anything like that in Atlas.”

“I can imagine.”

“Now, Give me some of that cake, I wanna see how it tastes!”

“Mnm-mnm,” Qrow said as he shook his head and swallowed, “my cake.” He then licked it. “I licked it, its mine.” He pulled the plate closer to him.

“Qrow, you know that's not going to stop me.” Qrow gave in. He couldn’t argue with that, all things considered.

“Fine, but only because I love you.” Qrow hadn’t realized what he said, at first, but Clover did. By the time Qrow realized, Clover was barely coming to terms with it.

“I love you too Qrow.” Clover said out loud. Then, he had an idea that made him blush. “Since we love each other, and we’re on a date, how about we do some couples on a date stuff?” He grabbed his spoon and scooped up some cake, and held it up to Qrow. He got the idea and got a piece of cake too. They moved their spoons towards each other’s mouths, albeit a bit awkwardly. Despite the awkwardness, it was undoubtedly intimate, both of them blushing furiously.

“That, went nicer than I thought it would. I can see why people do it.” Clover admitted.

“You mean you , poster boy of Atlas Academy, never did things like this?” Qrow was surprised. He was sure Clover would have been drowning in these kinds of dates left and right.

“Nope. It’s pretty lonely at the top, you know? Well, it was lonely. Luckily, a good luck charm waltzed into my life and made it not so lonely.” Qrow blushed as Clover lovingly gazed at him.

“Then at least we can try to work out all this sappy couple junk together.” Qrow said as they were both still blushing. Qrow could hardly bring himself to look at Clover though, else he would explode because of emotions. So, they worked through all that sappy junk, getting the hang of it more and more. It was filled with laughs and jokes and sickeningly sweet moments. Once they finished their sweets, they paid and thanked Gray, and went on their way back home to their shared apartment. However, their perfect night would have a small bump in it. This bump wasn’t actually small, it was Nevermore sized. A Nevermore was spotted in the distance by a nearby sector, and Qrow and Clover, being the closest huntsmen, were notified through their scrolls and made haste.

By the time they arrived, they could see the Nevermore in the distance. Wanting to stop its advance as soon as possible, they were driven to it, along with one other younger huntsman who was also nearby. Up close, they could see how large the grimm had grown with nothing to control it. Its colors had also dulled, much like the other grimm. The exception to this was their glowing red accents, which made it seem more vivid than it had before. Fortunately, the younger huntsman was an archer, so they instructed him to attack from below as they fought up close. They all climbed up a tree, readying to attack. When the time was right, Qrow transformed, grabbing the Nevermore’s attention. They always hated Qrow in his animal forme. With the giant bird distracted, Clover launched himself upward, hooking onto it and landing on its back. Then Qrow turned back into a human, letting the Nevermore return its attention to the man on its back. Clover had already entangled the bird in his line, but it still trashed about wildly as Clover wrangled with it so Qrow could deliver a deadly blow.

However, it was smarter than it looked, as it had managed to angle itself so that Clover would be hit by a tree, and thrown off. He landed in a clearing, half his aura gone from the fall. It landed  in the center of the clearing, ready to play with its prey. However, a shot from another side of the clearing got its attention.

Clover could see that it was Qrow who fired after it. But, it did not care, until he transformed. However, it did not dart after him like they usually did. It kept looking at the two men, as if torn between some difficult decision. It screeched as it looked back and forth, ready to pull out its feathers. Thankfully, the young archer fired a lightning fast and powerful shot that turned it to dust as the arrow pierced its head.

“Are you two alright!?” he shouted as he ran towards them.

“I took a hit, but I’ll be fine!” Clover shouted back as Qrow helped him up and handed him his weapon. He knew he would be feeling that in the morning.

“What in the world is that? Everyone know you're one of the greatest huntsmen and can turn into a bird, Mr. Branwen, but that isn’t something anyone can do.”

“To tell you the truth kid, I don't know. It should have chased after me.”

“Why, do they hate birds or something?”

“No.” Qrow answered. “Just me when I’m a crow.”

“Odd indeed.” The young huntsman rubbed his chin as he wondered what caused what had just transpired. It clicked when he saw the flower tucked into Clover’s green vest. “With all due respect, sir, I think you might be wrong.” He pointed at the flower, which prompted Clover to pluck it out for them to examine. It’s resemblance to a bird was undeniable. Apparently, now that they were free from Salem’s control, that hatred for Qrow’s crow forme was amplified, and was extended to anything avian in appearance that wasn’t a fellow grimm.

“Did we just break the grimm’s mind?” Qrow asked, baffled as they all focused on the flower.

“I think we just did.” responded Clover, amazed.

“‘Birds of Paradise Conquer Birds of Prey.’ That’ll be quite the headline.” said the young man, to no one in particular.

“Looks like my god luck charm saved my life again.” Clover teased as he gave Qrow a chaste kiss on the cheek.

“No problem babe.” With a wink and finger guns pointed in his direction, Clover couldn’t help but laugh a little. He could see that Qrow was blushing just a little. He was glad Qrow came into his life. He brought so much love into it.

“Well, we should get going. It’s getting late.” said the archer. “I can take care of the report. Just tell me your comments on the ride back and I’ll make sure to include them.”

“You sure, kid?” Despite the huntsmen’s age requirement being lowered, mostly because of Qrow’s kids showing the world what they were capable of, most still didn’t graduate into a huntsman so young. This kids was a rarity, so Qrow wanted to be sure he could handle the paperwork, the most difficult and boring part of the job in Qrow’s opinion.

“Yeah, I don't mind. You two did all the heavy lifting, it’s the least I could do. Besides, you should go home and rest and make sure that he recovers his aura.” the archer said, pointing at Clover.

“Can't argue with that logic.” Clover said, shrugging.

“... And, if you have the time, could you, maybe sign an autograph for me, Mr. Branwen?” the kid asked. Qrow gave a light hearted laugh.

“Of course kid. And you know, that was a pretty strong shot back there. Pretty accurate too.” Clover could see the young huntsman’s face light up as Qrow praised his handiwork. On their ride back, they both talked with the kid, sharing a few tips they learned from their experience, as well as a bit of life advice. It almost reminded Clover of back when they were all traveling together. He always liked seeing this side of Qrow. It was adorable, no matter how much Qrow protested that he was not adorable.

-

As Clover peered up the staircase, he realized that he felt way too sore to climb up them.

“Qrow, can you carry me up?” he asked. Qrow contemplated it for a moment.

“Only if you join me in the shower.” He lifted Clover up to carry him bridal style, Clover resting his head on Qrow’s shoulder.

“No s─”

“No sex, I know. I’m too tired too. The sooner we get done showering, the sooner we can fall asleep together.”

“Mmm, I like the way you think, Mr. Branwen.” Clover said as he leaned his head into Qrow’s shoulder, bouquet of flowers in his lap.

“I’m just a simple man with simple pleasures, Ebi.” Qrow set Clover down, much to their dismay, and unlocked the door. They quickly made their way to the shower and undressed. They took their time under the hot water, letting it wash away  the dirt and any aches in their muscles. They helped each other clean the area on their back they couldn’t reach, passed soap and shampoo between them, and even helped clean each other’s hair. Qrow had suggested it, claiming it was something he always wanted to try. Clover joked that it was his bird instincts kicking in. Regardless, Clover let him do it, of course, and was glad he did, because it felt amazing. He returned the favor and Qrow didn’t think he could ever shower alone again. Shower sex would only be a bonus now. As they got out, they couldn’t help but admire each other’s body, scars and all, toned by years of hardship that had paid off well.

Tired, they went to their bed, and spent their first night together as an official couple. They didn’t fall asleep right away. They stole a few kisses from one another and told each other their inside jokes that always made them laugh.

“Good night Cloves, love you.”

“Love you too Qrow. Love you a lot.”

With that, they fell asleep in each other’s arms. On their living room table, a vase of flowers shone in the moonlight.

[andimthedad]

Road Trip: Eastward Day 4: Rocks, Rushmore, Badlands, Dignity, and more

This summer, the kids and I embarked on a 10,000-mile cross-country road trip from Washington to Maine and back. Along the way, we got a brief taste of America through landmarks and sights that represent our nation, for better or worse.

Read notes from every day of the trip:

Eastward: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Westward: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

And various posts from the FAQ.

--

Ken's Minerals & Trading Post, Custer, South Dakota

If you collect rock specimens, shops like Ken’s are irresistible. We hadn’t planned on stopping here, but the massive piles of rose quartz outside caught our attention, especially at a dollar a pound. Inside was a huge variety of specimens, fossils, and locally-made jewelry.

For example, here are a couple of selenite specimens we bought: first, as a sheet; second, as desert roses.

An older man was staffing the counter, knowledgeable about the rocks in the store and around the area. I asked if he was Ken. He chuckled. “No,” he said. “Ken has been gone for a long time. His sons run the store now. I just work here.” And he told us the store’s origin story.

Back in 1926, Ken and his wife were in facing some tough times financially, so the wife set up a little stand at their house to sell vegetables. With all the natural attractions in the area, a number of tourists stopped by. But instead of buying vegetables, the tourists wanted to buy the rocks that the couple had for lawn decor.  So Ken and his wife followed the money: instead of selling vegetables, they sold rocks.  And thus Ken’s Minerals & Trading Post was born.

We probably bought too many rocks.  But, it’s a really nice rock shop.

--

Mount Rushmore, Keystone, South Dakota

Mount Rushmore is pretty straightforward: the faces of four major American presidents carved into the side of a mountain. Despite their grand 60-foot-tall visages, they kind of look bored instead of thoughtful.

The four presidents were chosen by the artist, Gutzon Borglum, to represent four stages of American history: George Washington for the birth of America; Thomas Jefferson for its growth; Theodore Roosevelt for its development; and Abraham Lincoln for the preservation of the country. Sculpting began in 1927 and was completed in 1941.

Allegedly, Mount Rushmore was named after a lawyer for a mining company, Charles Edward Rushmore, who spent time in the area with mining prospectors. He asked the prospectors the name of the mountain, and they said it had no name, so they named it after him. Here is how it looked in the late 1800s:

Photo from the National Park Service.

It’s an interesting memorial, but it’s hard to imagine going often.

--

Wall Drug, Wall, South Dakota

This is one of those self-made landmarks: a huge, sprawling maze of rooms to buy all kinds of souvenirs and other stuff. It’s like a strangely-designed mall, except all the stores are owned by Wall Drug. You can also eat there. And you know this before arriving because Wall Drug has a zillion billboards along the highway for hundreds of miles in advance, advertising water and coffee and food and whatnots. They’ll probably be the first landmark to have billboards in space, if they don’t already.

Wall Drug started in 1931 by Ted Hustead, a Catholic pharmacist who wanted to work in a town where he could attend mass. As Hustead described it, business was terrible for the first few years, but then his wife Dorothy had the bright idea to offer free ice water to tourists driving past Wall on their way to other tourist sites. Immediately their business saw an upswing. 

Today the ice water is still free and the coffee is still 5¢. Still, we didn’t buy anything, or eat anything, or drink anything — we were already well hydrated. But we did wander around boggling at all the trinkets until we found bathrooms. I doubt anyone sells a shirt that says, “I went to Wall Drug and all I did was pee.”

--

Badlands National Park, South Dakota

Not far from Wall is the entrance to the Badlands National Park: nearly 250,000 acres of remarkably striking landscapes and natural beauty. We didn’t have much time, but we did drive the 30-mile Badlands Loop Road (Highway 240) to see the northern part of the park.

“I really wonder what the first humans thought when they saw this,” wondered Luke, age 14, in amazement.

“It’s almost like some kind of ancient war zone,” I said, “if the ancients had nuclear weapons.”

“If I didn’t know about modern science and religion,” agreed Luke, “I might wonder if the gods had a battle here.”

“Who won?” I asked. “Who lost?”

--

Prairie Homestead, Philip, South Dakota

You can’t exit northeast out of the Badlands without passing by the Prairie Homestead. It is a century-old relic of a pioneer family from 1909. Dug into the side of a hill and supported with a wood frame, the house’s walls are dirt bricks and its roof is covered in thick sod. 

“Can you imagine trekking out here from the East Coast, digging a house out of the ground, and living in it all alone for a long time?” I asked as we stood inside the sod house, looking at the old walls papered with old newsprint.

Beth, age 11, shook her head. “It’s amazing the human race has survived.”

I thought the admission price was steep, but it is a unique artifact of history. Unusually, there are white prarie dogs everywhere.

--

Dignity Statue, Chamberlain, South Dakota

At 50 feet tall, this statue of a peaceful, thoughtful Native American woman is impressive, especially since you can walk right up to it and sit at its feet (or on its feet, if you choose; they're big enough).

The artist, Dale Lamphere, said,

“Dignity represents the courage, perseverance and wisdom of the Lakota and Dakota culture in South Dakota. My hope is that the sculpture might serve as a symbol of respect and promise for the future.”

Dignity can be found at the highway rest area in Chamberlain, South Dakota — a sentence that would not make sense in any other context. But she really is striking. The reflective blue tiles in her shawl turn and twinkle in the wind.  I’ve read that there are lights on the tiles at night, but we were there during a sunny day.

--

World’s Only Corn Palace, Mitchell, South Dakota

Before the trip, I was amazed at the number of people who insisted we had to visit the World’s Only Corn Palace.

Dating back to 1892, the Corn Palace features enormous, mostly monochromatic brownish murals made entirely of corn cobs, using a dozen different varieties of corn to achieve variation in tone and color. They slice the cobs in half lengthwise, then nail them to the wall, updating the murals annually based on designs by local artists. They claim that it “is known around the world as a folk-art wonder on the prairie of South Dakota.”

There are several murals on the exterior of the building.  The building is also a civic center with a large auditorium and a basketball court, so there are plenty more murals around the perimeter of the staging area inside.  Apparently, USA Today named the Corn Palace one of the top 10 places in America for high school basketball, a factoid which baller Luke, age 14, has trouble believing. "This is just weird," he remarked, but he still tried on a corn cob hat for sale.

On the day we arrived, it appeared the front murals were in the process of being taken down.  And with no impending events, the basketball court was turned into a souvenir shop.

--

Spirit Lake, Iowa

We drove out of the east side of South Dakota and briefly into Minnesota, then dipped south across the state line to Iowa for the night.

I’ll be honest: this stop was primarily a convenient way to check another state off the list. We did not see any actual sights there. Sorry, Iowa.

—

Unless noted otherwise, all photos are taken by the kids and I, and are shared under the Creative Commons BY-NC-SA license.

[smkkbert]

Time for a story - A look into the future

“I can’t remember when I have just taken a walk like this the last time.”

With a comforting smile on her lips, Felicity cast Tommy a brief glance. She watched him taking in a deep breath with his eyes closed. The contentment on his face showed how much good this walk was really doing to him. She was sure that the cold air was clearing his head from whatever had been going on in there when she had found him sitting on the steps to his house with his head lowered and a distant expression in his eyes.

The moment Felicity had seen him from her kitchen window, she had known that there had been something going on with him. She knew that absent expression from Oliver. She had seen it in his face uncountable times already and through all the years she had known him, she had found just as many ways to distract him from his brooding.

“Oliver wasn’t used to it either,” Felicity explained with quiet voice. “When I first suggested that we take a walk together, we have only been together for a couple of days. He looked at me with an incredulous look on his face. I doubt that he saw any good in taking a walk.”

There was a long moment of silence. Tommy watched the kids, who had run a little ahead. Emmy was carrying Hawk’s leash in her hand and a proud look on her face at the responsibility of taking care of the dog. Tommy was meanwhile attracting Hawk’s attention by showing him the treats in his hand. Millie was walking a little behind them, probably dreaming to herself as she did so often.

Only Addie was with Felicity and Tommy, sleeping in her baby buggy. Like so often when the Queen Family had wanted to go out for a walk lately, she had thrown a temper tantrum when Felicity had gotten the baby buggy outside. It had taken Felicity almost ten minutes to calm Addie down enough to make her understand that she was just taking the buggy with her for the case Addie was getting tired. By that time, Addie’s temper tantrum had cost the little girl so much energy that she had sat down in the buggy voluntarily and fallen asleep only thirty minutes later.

“When you are only used to run,” Tommy said, pushed his hands into the pockets of his jacket and released a sigh, “walking is a hard thing to do.”

“I know,” Felicity replied with a comforting smile. “No matter how long you are back or how long Oliver is back, there will always be moments that you have to remind yourself to slowdown. There is no reason for you to run anymore. You are not on the run, and you are not on the hunt.”

Tommy nodded his head and released another sigh. “Yeah, you are probably right.”

“I am certainly right.”

When Addie released a low sound, Felicity looked around the buggy and took a closer look at her youngest daughter. The little girl was still sleeping soundly with her donkey in her arms. The blanket had moved a little lower though, so Felicity tugged it back into place.

At the end of February, it was still impossibly cold. Hopefully, it would get warmer soon. Felicity had enough of the cold weather.

“Do you do this often?”

“You mean taking a walk?” Felicity asked and cast Tommy a brief look to see him nod his head. She shrugged her shoulders. “Yeah, kind of. I mean with five kids and a dog you have to go out inside sometimes, and a walk is a good occasion to force yourself to go outside too.”

“Makes sense.” Tommy nodded his head and started chuckling. “Sometimes it still baffles me that Ollie has five kids. And when I say sometimes, I basically mean every time.”

Felicity chuckled, shrugging her shoulders. “I guess he never really pictured that for himself either until it happened. Now he can’t imagine his life to be any different.”

“He said the same thing when I talked about it with him a couple of weeks ago. He said knowing you just changed his entire life.”

Smiling, Felicity lowered her gaze. No matter how often she heard it, it never stopped amazing her. She doubted that would ever change either.

“Uncle Tommy?” Emmy called out for him. “Did knowing Aunt Laurel change your entire life too?”

Felicity chuckled, cocking her head at her daughter. “Since when do you have such good ears, Sweetie?”

“Always!”

“From what I have experienced at home lately those ears aren’t always that good.”

Tommy smiled at her briefly before he replied to Emmy, “Of course it did. She is the most important person in my life.”

Emmy took in a deep breath to probably ask something more. As soon as she noticed her mother’s gaze that was telling her to come closer if she wanted to talk to them, Emmy thrusted Hawk’s leash into Tommy’s hand and came running towards them. Her cheeks were flushed red whether from the cold or from running.

“Uncle Tommy?”

“Yes?” Tommy asked. “What’s up?”

“If knowing Aunt Laurel changed your life in the way knowing mom changed dad’s life,” she said slowly like she really needed to focus to say it right, “does that mean you and Aunt Laurel will get married and have a lot of babies too?”

“I don’t think I will ever be able to take five kids.”

“Four?”

“Probably not either.”

“Three?”

“Sounds difficult.”

“Two?”

Tommy chuckled and tousled Emmy’s blond hair. She chuckled amusedly and leaned into his side.

“You are nosy today.”

“I am always nosy.”

Tommy sighed and combed Emmy’s curls with his fingers now until every strand of hair seemed to be back in its place. He rested his hand on her shoulder then.

“I love Aunt Laurel very much,” he explained, “but we both agreed to take things slow. You know, we’ve been together before and it didn’t work out back then. We are taking our time this time around.”

“But you’ve been together for a long time now and you still haven’t gotten married.”

“We haven’t been together that long yet.”

“Dad proposed after a much shorter time.”

Tommy chuckled. “Well, your dad and your mom really hurried up with everything. Compared to them, we really move like snail.”

“So, are you planning to ever get married to Aunt Laurel?”

Tommy was visibly trying to find a way to get out of this conversation without saying something he might regret one day. Though Felicity had to say that it was a little amusing to see Tommy starting to sweat because of an eight-year-old, she did take a heart.

“Okay, Emmy, the interrogation is over here,” she said firmly and nodded towards where Tommy, Millie and Hawk were walking ahead. “Go back to your siblings now please.”

Emmy hesitated briefly, an amused grin on her face, but she followed her mother’s suggestion and ran back to her siblings. Felicity shook her head slightly, but she couldn’t bite back a chuckle of her own. If her daughter didn’t share the same love for tech she did, she was sure that she would become a detective like her grandpa one day.

“Do you think Laurel asked her to question me about this?” Tommy asked, leaning closer to Felicity. “Because I just got the impression that she didn’t ask this for herself.”

“I doubt it’s Laurel,” Felicity replied, shaking her head. “Laurel too direct for that. She would ask you about it if she wanted to know. Maybe Quentin asked. You know, I think he would love to get to see his daughter getting married one day. I doubt he actually ordered Emmy to bug you about it though. She probably made it her mission to find out.”

“Hey, he’s to your wedding, right?”

“To two of them actually,” Felicity replied, nodding her head with a smile. “I think it’s still different if Laurel is getting married. She’s the baby girl he raised, you know?”

Tommy sucked in a deep breath and nodded his head. He looked away for a long moment. Felicity could see that there were a thousand thoughts going through his head. She didn’t ask him about it though, and she didn’t have to.

“I do think about proposing to Laurel sometimes, you know?” Tommy asked. “It’s just that-“

“You don’t have to justify yourself to me,” Felicity interrupted him quietly, shaking her head. “Whether or not you and Laurel ever want to get married or if you two are ready for that step is a thing between you and her.”

“I know,” Tommy replied, nodding his head slowly. “I know that. I just… I think you are one of the few people who can really understand what me. I mean you’ve been with Oliver, who has been through a similar experience as I have. You got married to him.”

Felicity smiled, nodding her head. “Yes, I have.”

“You never regretted it, right?” Tommy frowned. “Despite his nightmares and his insecurities and the kind of life he pulled you in, you never regretted getting married to him, did you?”

Felicity didn’t really need time to think about her answer, but she stayed silent for a moment nonetheless. She knew that Tommy didn’t want a light answer, and she didn’t want him to think she was taking his question lightly because she wasn’t.

“Never,” Felicity replied eventually. “Not for a single second.”

Tommy smiled. “Oliver really is lucky to have you.”

“No.” Felicity shook her head and sighed. “We are lucky to have each other.”

There was no doubt in Felicity’s voice because there was no doubt in her heart. She was just as lucky to have Oliver in her life as he was to have her in his. Felicity had shown Oliver what it meant to love and be loved in returned. She had given him the safety of a stable home full of joy and love. Oliver had shown Felicity what it meant to be desired. He had given her the feeling of being loved unconditionally, and he had shown her that not every man left his family.

“Don’t you feel that way about Laurel? That you are lucky to have each other?”

“I know I am certainly lucky to have her,” Tommy replied, shrugging his shoulders. “But what can I really offer her? I mean I do have a somewhat famous name around here and I did get Green Doors to run with the help of Roy, but apart from that?”

“Apart from that you offer love and faithfulness.” Felicity smiled softly. “And I think that is all Laurel really wants and need in a life partner.”

Tommy sighed. “I just don’t know, Felicity.”

Oliver hadn’t known either. Felicity had needed a long time to convince him that he had been able to offer the one thing she had needed in a man, love. He had loved her, and she had loved him. That had been all she had wanted and needed. Once Oliver had accepted that and given into his feelings for her, everything between them had developed so very fast.

“Look, Tommy,” Felicity said with a sigh, “the only person who can decide whether you are able to take this step is you. I am sure that Laurel is lucky to have you in your life and that she knows that too. Whether or not you will see that and respect that is up to you. Maybe one day something like this will be your life too.”

Tommy sucked in a deep breath and nodded.

“I guess you are right,” he said. Before Felicity could reply, he quickly corrected, “No, I know you are right.”

Felicity chuckled. “Absolutely.” 

@fannaz @promiseyoullbepatientwithme @bytemegeekette @felicity-said-just-in-case @phanseptiic @orangeisorange @mspotatohead14 @whentheheavenfades @emmaamelia95 @smoakingskye @seaolicity @ourwritinginvein @1022bridgetp @felicityqueenforever @leagueofolicity17 @yryssss @myhauntedblacksoul @muslimsmoak @sherlock44 @sinceriouslybea @arrowsalways @olivyflavescentdeer @olicitys-castle @ofnothingcharming @vaelisamaza @smoakedandcharmed @alexisa1206 @mysaudadespt2 @florence-bubbles @addictiontelly @queens-of-arrows @memcjo @hysterical-for-joshifer @oswinelevenforever @olicitylovemaking @bandanab310 @mymusiclove101 @lynslogic @scarletqueen23 @olicityshipper19 @alex-wesley @arrows-4ever @unabashedlynerdypatrol @louehmysoul @ligiapimenta @chattyyana @charlie-leau @coal000 @samcrowleys @ishippolivia @julianegomesqueen @malafle @miriam1779 @charlinert @melaux @ontheolicityship @myshipperlife @wrightainsley @lexi9515 @ladygreenwood @multi-fandom-crazy-fangirl @morinamel @mje-thomas @kebarry @canadianheartgirl @nannett2307 @almondblossomme @paarti12 @kathrynelizabeth89 @imdfabulous @cutearrowgirl @mrt2501 @mecha1330 @arsipaci14 @mzminx @salasvia @brandis91 @cainc3 @morganmiguess @pr0fessi0nal-fangurl @iamisalima @nessafra @jonhdiggle @niki-is-amazing @universed-posts @hopeful-warrior @senoritaswiftie @bellemmie @green-arrows-of-karamel @iheartarrow @olicityovereverything @oliverfel4 @navyaarsha @fandoms-breathe-life @simone4mcswarek @olicity-in-the-heart @fullychippedcreation @geemarie @everything-but-normal-cat @myarroworld @tjmartinez @pleasantfanandstudent @itsmagnoliagirl @j69confessional2 @scentedcolorpirate @icanica74 @javinancupil @tjmartinez98 @certainmentalityface @tatianadamaceno @ryelew @wildwillowzepplin @missafairy @letsplaymurde-r @lipizette @positivepiper @nuttymilkshakehologram @laksagirl @turnupthemusicandscream @pumpernickle93 @onceuponanolicity @1106angel @jaspertown @fadinglands @morganashimi83 @mochababychristy @omglovechrissie @mariejr88-blog @thetaufactor @onceuponanolicity @speakandseethetruth @bri206 @aglasgo @thats0klaroline @geemarie @pineprincess @nerdgirljen @peterpanslostgirl666 @eternal-olicity14 @allyouhadtodowas-stay-stay-stay @lovelycssefan @tsseract @flowerandsunshine @dcnmarvelgamergeek @blondeeoneexox @monetsmark @soaring-cities @bb-olicity @mashamarty @rulerofsilence @erika-amber @felicity087 @i-claim-only-emily @pattid1 @westallenandolicityshipper @babyolicityandwestallen @nothingmorethanmyotps @kayleenyc @tonto16 @olicityfluv @olicitea1990 @olicity5ever @haahaaa2408 @pattid1 @faegal04 @24karatgem

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[agentelmo]

The X-Files MSR Analysis Series: Season 1 Episode 4

“Conduit”

Previous episode analysis - 1x03 Squeeze.

This episode has some interesting developments for MSR, as it’s the first episode to delve into the Samantha Mulder backstory.  

Not so much around what happened to Samantha, but what effect her disappearance had on Mulder and how that event has irrevocably altered who he is, and the course of his life.  The bulk of the MSR here is Scully watching over Mulder, and noticing his changes in behaviour; seeing for the first time how damaged Mulder truly is.

The opening of this episode always intrigued me because it grounds the X-Files in the rules and procedures of the FBI that subsequent seasons often gloss over.  Mulder submits a “302″ (a request to open a case file), as well as cover for travel expenses and there’s even a brief mention of Mulder’s ASAC (Assistant Special Agent in Charge) - who is Mulder’s current ASAC?  I don’t think we ever meet him/her.  

It’s kind of strange how in season 1 there is a strong sense of authority looming over the X-Files, like an axe waiting to drop, whereas later seasons you really do get the feeling they’ve just been left to their own devices, and that the only person they really answer to is Skinner - who for the most part, is pretty lenient with them.

The scene here with Blevins is good for observing the subtle shift that is occurring in Scully, away from loyalty to the FBI and the orders of her superiors, and towards loyalty to Mulder.  Blevins tries to find out what Scully knows of Mulder’s sister and she refuses to betray Mulder’s confidence - but then Blevins shows her that Mulder opened the X-File on his sister’s disappearance himself, so she feels a bit more at liberty to share what she knows.  Still, I like that she has no qualms with resisting a superior if it means remaining loyal to her partner.

Then Blevins tries to use Scully to undermine Mulder, and she sees straight through that shit.

Scully is so great in this scene - we all need a BFF like Scully.  Being the utterly loyal BAMF that she is, without knowing Mulder’s reasoning, without any knowledge of the case, she puts herself out there to get the case opened simply because she trusts Mulder’s judgement.  

She has faith in him that whatever has prompted him to submit this 302, there is a good reason for it - despite what others think - she doesn’t believe he’s a madman or a fool, and she’s willing to challenge her superior based on her faith in him.

Look at that, I can find MSR in any scene.  Can’t quite decide if that’s a talent or a curse.  

Now it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Don’t deny it.

Mulder, Mulder, Mulder... first, what colour is that shirt you’re wearing?  Did you put a yellow sock in with your whites?  

Second, GOOD LORD MAN.  He definitely gets a thrill out of flirting with her, because he’s pretty good at invading her personal space in surprisingly intimate ways - she’d have felt his breath on her face; that’s incredibly intimate.  What was he thinking?  Honestly, he probably wasn’t - I still genuinely believe he’s not aware of what he’s doing.  He probably doesn’t even think of it as flirting.  

Poor Scully - see her sharp intake of breath?  I know, I know, she’s exasperated with him but c’mon... if you had this guy come at you like that wouldn’t you have a little moment?  She even seems to take a split-second to consider this as she eyes his lips briefly.

What?  Don’t look at me like that.  When you make gifs, you inevitably end up seeing scenes frame by frame... you can’t help but notice these things!

The fact she never challenges this behaviour is just more evidence that she is attracted to him, because Scully has more self-respect than to let a colleague get up in her space if she doesn’t want it.  Scully lets him get away with things like this repeatedly because 1. she’s comfortable with him - she trusts him and 2. she is professional enough to not let it interfere with their relationship or their work.  But fuck me, Mulder makes it hard for her.

Scully then lets Mulder play teacher with his projector.  Nawww, I miss overhead projectors.  They phased out using them in X-Files episodes eventually too, but watching Mulder give Scully a little presentation always makes my heart do a thing.

He loves having someone to share this with, someone who is not just a skilled professional - a highly qualified scientist and doctor - but someone who looks at his work and applies their expertise faithfully.  She takes him and what he does seriously, her challenging him is proof of that.  

Honestly, I think he enjoys the challenge of proving the credibility of his theories under Scully’s scrutiny.  That way, this back and fourth that occurs between them serves the very useful purpose of grounding Mulder and also challenges him to work for his theory rather than just believe anything and everything willy nilly - which we know he would definitely do without someone to watch over him.  He enjoys it, but no doubt, it frustrates the fuck out of him sometimes too.

Although surprisingly, he seems quite chill about it today.

Soooo... slightly veering away from MSR for a moment...

Welcome back to Mulder’s Kitchen, people!  

An interesting observation I made in this episode was that the apparent UFO sighting Mulder shows Scully on the projector from Lake Okobogee in 1967, looks awfully similar to a UFO we will see later in the series.

UFO From Lake Okobogee.

UFO from Fight the Future.

UFO from season 8′s This is Not Happening.

What are the chances that these are all in fact, the same UFO?  

I always thought the FTF and This is Not Happening UFO were one in the same; that seems clear despite it seeming much bigger in FTF, but let’s just put that down to the SFX budget.  The possibility that the FTF UFO was previously involved in abductions in the 60′s is an interesting idea, and nicely ties the events of this episode into the greater mythology.  The mythology is always fun. I’m one of those rare unicorns that actually enjoys the mythology more than the stand alone episodes.  

I know, I know... hey, hands off the unfollow button!

Mulder and Scully:  Getting to the front door at the same time since 1993.

Also, Scully low key checking Mulder out.  As you do.

Once you’ve seen it, you just can’t unsee it.

The dynamics of the next scene are really interesting, and quite heartbreaking when you think of all the loss in the room.  Darlene Morris desperate for the return of her daughter Ruby, and Mulder, desperate to learn something that might lead to answers about what happened to Samantha.

Mulder is clearly very vulnerable walking into this house, the second he sees the Morris family photos, he’s transported to a time and a place that is long lost to him - and Scully sees his pain.

In that moment he is no longer the Oxford-educated psychologist, criminal profiler, Special Agent of the FBI, Fox Mulder - he’s the lonely 12 year-old boy Fox Mulder.  Longing for connection to not just his missing sister, but to the life that was robbed from him when she was taken away.  The photos of a once happy family, triggering in him recollections of his own loss.

Recall that in the pilot, Mulder tells Scully that after Samantha’s abduction his family fell apart - nobody talked about what happened, so he never had the chance to come to terms with it.  

We know later in the series that his parents divorce in the wake of what happened to Samantha, so effectively, his whole world was destroyed.  Imagine what that must be like for a 12 year-old child - the safety and security of home and family snuffed out in a single night then never addressed.  Hey kid, your life is now a hollow shadow of what it once was - deal with it.  He was just a boy with no capacity to deal with the enormity of what he had experienced, left to deal with the shattered pieces of his entire world - alone.

It may sound melodramatic, but I deal with this kind of childhood trauma all the time in my work, and the scars that are left can run very deep from far less traumatic experiences than Mulders.  It’s actually miraculous in some ways, that Fox Mulder became a functioning, highly-educated, and productive member of society.  

But he didn’t get off lightly, the consequence of his unresolved trauma is that these scars run so deep for him they are the greatest driving force in his life 20-odd years after the fact.  And tragically, we know they will continue to drive him for the next 20+ years into the future.  

Well, this is cheery, isn’t it?  I could really brighten everyone’s day and tell you about my thoughts on what losing William did to compound Mulder’s trauma around the loss of love and family... but I’ll spare you that particular trauma.

We can see during the conversation with Darlene, that Mulder is still out of sorts - Scully is doing most of the talking.  They’re talking about the night her daughter Ruby was abducted from Lake Okobogee, then Darlene drops this on Mulder and he’s like a deer caught in headlights.

Scully is again observing this change in Mulder and she’s worried for him; she’s never seen him like this before.

Also, can I just say quickly before we move on - that this kid is creepy AF.

Scully continues to pick up on Mulder’s strange behaviour.

Scully does try to approach this with him in an indirect way, letting him know gently she’s noticed his behaviour - but he brushes it off with his characteristic deflective humour.  Scully will have to be a bit more direct to get through to him on this one.

Oh, quick intermission.

ZOMG HE TOUCHED HER BACK AGAIN!  Yep, the small-of-the-back-touching love affair continues.  This episode: Mulder goes in for the double-hander.

This next bit makes me chuckle, because these NSA goons are looking for Mulder, so why did they break into Scully’s hotel room, and not Mulder’s?  

Were the rumours of their sleeping together going around the bureau this early in the game?   Maybe they thought they’d be clever and break into her room and catch him?

We wish it were true, NSA goons... we really wish it were true.

But it’s all good, eventually they find our boy, Fox.

Hoo boy.

We interrupt this programme to bring you an important message: Mulder’s bed head is hot as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu--

Scully makes the mistake of ratting out creepy kid Kevin to the NSA and Mulder is frustrated at her actions.  The kid and his mother get hauled off in a somewhat uncomfortable scene, and Mulder looks around the Morris’ house, spotting from the window that their caravan has a scorched roof, which aligns with Darlene’s story of what happened on the night that Ruby disappeared.  He rushes off to investigate, while Scully stays at the window, watching him.

All throughout this episode Scully has been watching Mulder.  She knows what’s going on for him, but doesn’t know how to approach it.

Upon discovering that creepy kid has somehow acquired to ability to write Bach in binary (a story thread that never gets resolved, by the way), Mulder rushes to meet Darlene Morris to apologise to her for the NSA involvement, but she’s not interested and is hostile towards him now.  She tells him to keep away from her and her son and Scully uncomfortably notices, yet again, that Mulder is being made more and more emotionally vulnerable by this case.

Also, I gotta say it again... this creepy kid, man.  I feel like he would stab me up in my sleep.

Please stop looking at me like that, creepy kid.

At this point, Mulder has become fixated on Kevin and Ruby, and believes creepy kid is a “conduit” (eeeeeeyyyy the episode title!) and that he is linked to who/what abducted Ruby.  Basically, Mulder thinks aliens are using Kevin as some kind of human TV aerial.

The aliens wanted to catch season 8 of Game of Thrones but arrived on Earth in 1967 instead of 2018, so they’re pissed they’re having to wait 51 years for it to air and are amusing themselves by abducting people for their own entertainment purposes.

How’s that for a theory, Mulder?

Ok enough kidding around, serious talk now... serious stuff.

Scully tries again to talk to Mulder about what is going on for him.  She knows what is driving him, and why he is obsessed with finding Ruby - but she leaves it unspoken.  It’s fairly clear that what she doesn’t say is that Mulder is seeing Samantha in Ruby.  

Scully tries to tell Mulder that there is no evidence of an abduction; tries to break him away from his fixation on saving her, but he is a man possessed.  

Does he obsess with saving Ruby to absolve himself of the guilt of not being able to save Samantha?  To get information from Ruby that might shed light on what happened to his sister?  Maybe both.  But he’s determined to see it through, and Scully, concerned with his welfare, has no choice but to see it through with him.

I think this moment more than any other solidifies in Scully’s mind that Mulder isn’t just driven by wanting to know what happened to his sister; he’s in fact still deeply traumatised by her disappearance.

What Blevins suggested about Mulder’s personal agenda clouding his judgement is undeniable at this point, but she doesn’t use this knowledge against him - doesn’t write it in her report.  She can see and hear the pain he’s dealing with - this desperation to save Ruby is a clear window into his desperation to save his sister.

She doesn’t have the heart to stop him after seeing that.  She feels for him.

Things eventually come to a head, as Mulder refuses to give up believing Ruby can be saved despite the fact they have a suspect with a motive for murder in custody.  Scully believes he’s so clouded that he can’t see what he’s doing - she can’t beat around the bush anymore, she has to come out and say it directly.

What Scully comes to realise over the course of this episode, is that Mulder is a very damaged man.  The guilt of not being able to save Samantha seemingly drives Mulder to project his sister onto Ruby, and in fact, various vulnerable women throughout the series.  It’s a classic example of transference, to act out a trauma in similar scenarios with similar people in an attempt to resolve the distress it triggers.  But Mulder never seems to fully resolve this - as recently as the events of I Want to Believe Mulder is still looking for is sister in the faces of vulnerable, victimised women.

Compare the conversation Mulder and Scully have in I Want to Believe with the conversation above from Conduit.

Even more recently, you also have Sveta in season 10′s My Struggle I, he is still compelled to save hapless women no matter the personal cost to himself.

In fact, I’m certain the reason Scully says to Mulder “you know what you’re doing” in My Struggle I isn’t because of some childish jealousy, it’s because she knows what he’s like - she’s been going over this with him for enough years to know, and that’s why she tells him he knows what he’s doing too, because he’s done it enough times to know why he behaves this way without needing her to tell him.

Okay, quick, run!  Back to 1993.

What we’re seeing here in Conduit, is Scully experience this traumatised side of Mulder for the first time.  Kinda makes you feel sorry for Conduit-Scully, doesn’t it?  She’s got a looooooooong hard road ahead of her with this shit.

So, moving on.  Mulder and Scully go looking for Darlene and creepy kid Kevin at Lake Okobogee, and on the drive there, Mulder admits - in a uniquely Mulderesque way - that she is right about him.

Mulderesque meaning as avoidant and indirect as possible.

I found this story of Mulder’s childhood ritual incredibly sad, because it’s as I said before - as a 12 year-old boy, he was not emotionally equipped to deal with the aftermath of what happened, and so his 12 year-old mind dealt with it in the only way it could - through this child-like gesture of closing his eyes and believing that if he wished for it hard enough, that she would be there when he opened them again.  Hasn’t every kid done that; closed their eyes and wished?

Telling Scully this story is another defining point in their journey together.  Mulder is a closed book to most people around him, and the long pauses tell me he even finds it difficult to tell Scully this.  He’s not used to letting people get close - he fears it, because everyone he has loved has left him.  Especially if you consider that at this point, he has also not long ago lost Diana too.

Gag.

But little by little, Scully is breaking down the walls.  Even though she’s been challenging him every step of the way on this case, the one time she was right on the money was the most important time of all.  She’s right, he is chasing his sister and he knows it.  He knows what he’s doing; but can’t help himself.  

Telling Scully this story is his way of acknowledging that.

Mulder and Scully finally arrive at the lake and find Darlene, creepy kid and Ruby.  It first appears like Ruby was dumped by a biker gang, as she turns up unconscious in the forest just as the gang ride off.

SUPER FOX TO THE RESCUE!

Am I the only one who can’t help but think of Mulder as a dad every time he’s in a scene with a kid, now?  In this bit with the biker gang, I couldn’t help but think of how awesome a dad he would have been.  Then I feel sad because William.

Honestly, the thing that pains me most about the X-Files these days isn’t that Mulder and Scully split, it’s that Mulder and Scully never got to be parents, because they would have been awesome at it.  

I think I need a little cry now.

So in the end, Mulder was right - Ruby was alive.

Later in the hospital, Mulder notes that Ruby has a chemical imbalance which suggests she had experienced prolonged weightlessness.  Which means unless she was hanging out with the Biker Mice from Mars, she probably wasn’t with the bikers - that she actually was abducted.  But it is strange when you consider the greater mythology, which posits that all “alien” abductions are actually abductions by the government using ARVs to carry out their alien-human hybrid project.

So who abducted Ruby and took her into friggin’ space then?!  Some other bored aliens I guess??  The Bounty Hunters on a joyride?

Mulder desperately tries to get Ruby to talk about what happened to her, but she refuses.

Darlene arrives to put the kibosh on any further abduction-talk, and Mulder is bereft. He needs to know what happened to Ruby - he’s trying to make sense of what happened to his sister through Ruby, and he can’t make sense of it.  He’s once again, left open - highly vulnerable, and Scully doesn’t know what to do to help him.

Neeee nawww it’s the grammar police!  I think you mean ‘important to whom’, Darlene.

Scully is again left to observe Mulder’s pain, and is powerless to do anything to ease it, the door is being shut in his face and there’s nothing either of them can do about it.

The hand she physically places on his shoulder here I always felt was a symbolic gesture of their friendship at this point - she’s protecting him, keeping him safe.  Mulder no doubt feels very alone at this moment, but she’s been there for him, watching over him, supporting him through this whole thing; without her being there to protect him from himself, I suspect Mulder would have done something he would have later regretted.  

To see it properly, I needed to make a full 24fps gif, but watch as she grasps his shoulder - the way she soundlessly mouths Mulder’s name and lets out a breath she was holding in.  She can see what will happen next if she doesn’t stop him.  It’s all Scully can do for him now.

Gotta, say, Gillian Anderson is phenomenal, isn’t she?  Just that tiny acting choice made such a difference to the power of this moment - the awareness she gives Scully of how vulnerable Mulder is and how he’s not thinking straight - she has to think for him - to protect him.  I don’t often talk about the acting, I analyse this like they are real people - because that’s what I do - but I just had to mention this because it’s so subtle yet so affecting.  Bravo Gillian.

Now, for the final scenes of the episode.  This is where I am going to get highly interpretive, so I fully expect some of you to not share my views on this. 

I believe the final scenes of this episode reflect the balance of influences in Mulder’s life.  The trauma of his sister’s abduction and Scully.

I don’t want to make this too much about Scully, even though this is an MSR analysis and I have a talent for making everything about MSR ha.  But I do think there is a dichotomy at play here.

The past - Samantha; and the future - Scully. Hurt and healing.

Scully wants to help Mulder, she doesn’t see him as just a work colleague anymore.  She wants to help him if she can.  She listens to his regression hypnosis tapes; trying to understand – she’s come to care about him a great deal at this point.

She writes no report, doesn’t share any of what happened with Blevins, her focus is on this damaged man.  Beyond superficial attraction and professional loyalty she wants to try to be there for him - as a friend.

Then it’s our first time to see Fox Mulder break down.  He’s sitting in a church, staring at a childhood photograph.  It’s significant, I think, that the photo is of both of them, not just Samantha.  He’s mourning for not just her, but for the boy he once was, for the promise of a life he once had.

It always intrigued me that Mulder found himself sitting in a church, since we know from various bits of dialogue throughout the series that Mulder is almost certainly an atheist.  He isn’t aware of Scully’s Catholicism at this point, so his being there is ultimately an unexplained anomaly.

So stepping away from the characters again - twice in one analysis! - I wonder if it’s a symbolic choice by Chris Carter.  Because Scully is wearing a cross from the pilot, so her faith was always a planned part of her character.  

My interpretation, then?  

It’s the dichotomy of influences in his life I mentioned earlier being visually represented.  He’s alone in his grief, holding the symbolic representation of his trauma - a photograph of his lost childhood.  But there is always that comforting presence, he always has Scully to look out for him, even in his darkest moments - and as the seasons progress, we see this bear out.  I like to think of Mulder being in the church as a symbol of Scully watching over him, just as she has watched over him throughout this episode.

Well shit, that was a long one. The longest yet I think?  I seriously hope this is not going to be a continuing trend!  I think there are some episodes, especially in the early seasons where things are happening for the first time which means it will take me a bit more work to get into the characters heads.  Also, this episode had a lot of heavy Mulder-centric stuff, but I think it ties into his relationship with Scully in many ways, so I hope I was able to effectively represent that.

Next up.  1x05 - Jersey Devil.

[bevioletskies]

everybody wants to rule the world [2/8]

characters: peter/gamora, guardians-centric

summary: peter is the one and only heir to the celestial throne. gamora is expected to successfully lead the titans to conquer the galaxy. a political alliance is in the works, and there may or may not be wedding bells in the air.

alternately: peter and gamora find themselves in an arranged marriage and want nothing to do with it, but might need each other more than they think if they want to escape their genocidal fathers forever.

word count: 13.2k

a/n: warning for creepy/abusive behavior from both thanos and ego towards their respective children throughout the entire fic. also note that this AU is very heavily based on the MCU versions of themselves, where things are basically only different because yondu took peter to ego after all.

extra warning for slightly graphic descriptions of physical abuse of both ego towards peter and mantis as children, and thanos towards gamora and nebula as children.

fic title is from the song everybody wants to rule the world by tears for fears.

it's my own desire...it's my own remorse...

ao3 | tag

“Gamora, was it?”

Somehow, the jovial warmth of his voice only sent shivers up her spine. Slowly, she turned on her heel, bowing her head in greeting. “Yes, your highness. Are you headed to breakfast as well?”

“As a matter of fact, I am,” he said cheerfully. “I hope you don’t mind if I walk with you. And please, you’re part of this family now - call me Ego.”

I certainly will, she thought snidely, though she only gave him a vacant smile in return. “This is rather forward of me to ask, but I was wondering if you could explain your Celestial powers in more detail. Your son did a fine job in displaying the extent of his, but I imagine with a millennium more of experience, there must be something to show for it.”

He fell into step beside her as they walked towards the dining hall at a leisurely pace, his shoulders a little too close to hers for comfort, though she supposed that, at the very least, he hadn’t put his arm around her the way he had done to Peter yesterday. Small mercies. “Well, now, I can’t go sharing all the family secrets just yet, can I? You’ve got to earn them, sweetheart. But what I can tell you is there really are no limits to what I can do, what I can create, with just a little bit of light.” Ego pulled a rose seemingly out of nowhere and held it out to her. She accepted it with another smile and the full intention of disposing of it later. “Peter, he’s a good kid, but he lacks the focus required to master such a precise skill. But with a million or so years of practice, he’ll get there.”

She looked at him inquisitively. “So you’re both immortal?” she asked, twisting the stem of the rose between her fingers.

“As long as the light in this planet carries on,” he nodded sagely. “I suppose it’ll be a sad day for Peter, the moment you come to pass. I raised that boy from childhood, I know him well. Too well, you could say. And I’ve never seen him so taken with a girl before.”

“I believe his interest in me is out of intrigue, rather than attraction. I must be very different to the women he’s encountered before, considering my...history,” she said diplomatically. “Where did this ‘light’ of yours originate from?”

“I can’t explain it really,” Ego hummed thoughtfully. “It’s like I just...popped into existence, just like that. It took me hundreds of years to even fully form, and then hundreds more to really understand and harness my powers of creation. But I gotta tell you, and this is such a dad thing of me to do, bragging about my kid, but Peter got a handle on the light the moment I explained it to him. I knew he would. He’s always been so clever, so curious. He made a little ball, asked if we could play catch. A real charmer, my boy,” he chuckled.

Gamora sighed internally, her mouth tensing in frustration. Clearly, there was no escaping talking about Peter, and despite her admitted curiosity about her future husband, they were only a couple minutes away from joining the others, and she had a feeling she wouldn’t get a better opportunity to learn more than right now. “You clearly care about him very much,” she lied. “He spoke fondly of you as well.”

“Did he now?” Ego looked pleased by this - of course he did. “He’s a sweet kid, my son - or should I say, a good man. Could use a little discipline every now and then, but something tells me you’ll be able to keep him in line.” He waggled a finger at her. Am I his wife, or his keeper? Gamora thought, biting her tongue before she could let it slip. “He’s a bit of a flirt - got that from me, I’m afraid to admit - and he’s always going after girls who don’t have much...direction. When Thanos approached me, wanting to arrange a little something between you two, I honestly couldn’t be happier. After all, I figured he was the kind of man who knew how to keep his kids in check.” She felt the sudden urge to vomit. “You’re the kind of girl Peter needs in his life.”

“Am I the kind of girl he wants, though?” she challenged, still vaguely nauseated. “You can't possibly discredit all the women he’s ever been interested in based on one line of thinking. They could be quite valuable on their own merit. Besides, what he needs and what he wants can be very different things. As his father, I would imagine you have his best interests in mind.”

“That’s the thing about being a parent,” he said, quirking an eyebrow at her. “Kids don’t always know what’s best for them. You have to push them in the right direction. Make them see what they should really want. I’ll bet ol’ Thanos is good at that, hey?”

Gamora fell silent at this as the doors to the dining hall came into view. An attendant that she had never seen before moved to open it for them, bowing deeply in greeting. She couldn’t help but shudder one last time as Ego swept into the room without sparing her another glance, and briefly wondered how he could possibly reconcile his parenting philosophy as the right one.

She slid neatly into the chair between Peter and Nebula, the latter clearly sullen at being abandoned in the guest wing. As the servers began setting out large platters of fruit and bread to start, Peter carefully nudged her arm. “Hey,” he said softly. “Did Dad say anything to you just now?”

“Oh, he had plenty to say,” Gamora muttered. She bit harshly into a piece of buttered sourdough, the satisfying crunch of its crust satiating her need to break something at that very moment. “I see where you inherited your talkative...spirit. You would have thought I hadn’t accepted your proposal yet, with the way he was going on and on about the kind of man you are.”

“Oh, god,” Peter groaned, slapping a hand over his forehead. “Well. That’s...super embarrassing.”

“I was also unaware you were immortal,” she continued, spearing a piece of fruit with her knife. “I should’ve assumed, what with my limited knowledge of Celestial genetics, but I wasn’t sure if your Terran side canceled it out. Regardless, I think we should have a further discussion about your powers before we develop our plans. They would definitely come in handy in a fight.”

“I don’t like it.” He broke his bread roll in half with more force than she had seen anyone handle bread before, watching it crumble to bits between his fingers. “It sounds cool at first, being immortal. But then you realize it means losing the people you love. And not just once, and not just one group of people, but...everyone you ever meet. Over, and over, and over again. Someday, I’m gonna wake up, and…” His eyes flickered across the table, where his sister was currently nibbling on her toast, lost in her book. “...and Mantis won’t be there anymore. I’ll have to watch my little sister get old while I stay exactly the same.”

“That does sound difficult,” she admitted. She found herself at a loss for words again, unsure of how to respond when Peter became so melancholy. For someone who came across as very easygoing, his unexpected display of emotions always caught her off-guard. Her eyes went to the head of the table where Ego was sat, a full spread of food already waiting for him, his gaze roaming greedily across the selection as he filled his plate with pastries and meat. “I know you already showed us the training facilities, but are any of the spare rooms in your quarters suitable for combat? We can’t risk your father coming across us while we practice if we’re to pretend we’re unaware of his plans.”

“Right, good idea,” he nodded, brightening a little. “I can shuffle some stuff around, clear some space. When do we start?”

“Oh, Peter,” Ego called across the table very suddenly, as if he had a thought so important that he needed to interrupt the second it came to fruition. Gamora suspected he thought every idea of his needed to be heard. “I can’t believe I haven’t asked already! Have you decided on a wedding date yet?”

“Um.” Peter glanced at Gamora in uncertainty. That was one discussion they had left out of the conversation entirely - their actual wedding. “Next week?”

“That soon? It should be a whole week’s worth of festivities, a celebration for our people to partake in, with esteemed guests from across the galaxy! Nothing’s too good for my boy,” Ego boasted. Mantis shriveled a little in her seat, though her nose was still buried in her novel. Gamora wasn’t sure if she had seen Ego even address Mantis’s presence since he had returned from his trip. “We’ll need a little more time than a week, Peter.”

“Yeah, but...I think Gamora would prefer a small wedding, Dad,” Peter hinted. “Making it a big deal would be a bad idea, especially if we invite people from all over the galaxy, considering her...reputation.” He glanced at her quickly to make sure he hadn’t caused any offense, but she seemed to have understood his meaning.

“Not even married yet, and you’re already listening to your wife. Attaboy.” Ego pounded a fist against the table triumphantly, causing the dishes surrounding him to rattle. “I told you, Gamora, he’s a good one. I raised him right.”

“I’m certainly...impressed,” she said weakly, though inside, she couldn’t help but contemplate the number of ways she could hurt Ego with the butter knife she was currently holding.

“Well then, next week it is,” Ego grinned. “Though we gotta have some guests, Peter, it can’t just be the people living here...”

It was another hour before breakfast was finally over - or rather, Ego had finally stopped listing off every person of status he’d ever met - and the two of them slipped away, back to Peter’s quarters to clear out one of the spare rooms. “This used to be a playroom,” Peter explained at Gamora’s raised eyebrow regarding the dinosaur posters. “All this junk, it’s mostly just boxes of old toys and books, but we can put ‘em in my study for now.”

They worked in amicable silence for the next thirty minutes, shuffling boxes upon boxes of things down the corridor into the study, before returning to the now-empty playroom, collapsing on the floor to rest, their backs barely propped up against the wall. “You really do live a life of excess, don’t you,” Gamora commented. “You wouldn’t think one single person could occupy this much space, own that many things.”

“Well, it’s not exactly a charmed life,” Peter shrugged. “Sure, I'm certainly not down on my luck. But my dad still has his moments, whether it’s with me or with Mantis. And it’s not like all this...stuff makes it any better. All I really need is my sister, my people, and this.” He unearthed a small rectangular object from his belt that she had never seen before, as it was mostly obscured by the long capes and jackets he always wore. It looked to be an old-fashioned piece of technology, something that likely came from his native Terra.

“What is it?” she asked.

“It’s my Walkman. It’s a music player.” He held it out for her to take, his gaze softening as she delicately turned it over in her hands, tracing her long fingers over the white lettering. The paint looked brand new despite the slightest dent in the casing. She wondered if he occasionally repainted it by hand, or maybe used his Celestial abilities to repair it somehow. Clearly, it was his most prized possession. “It was my mom’s. She made these mixtapes of songs that she loved and wanted to share with me. We’d go out to this big field by our house, lay down in the grass, and listen to them over and over again until I knew every word, and then again so I could sing along. It’s...the only thing I have left of her.” He swallowed thickly.

“You loved your mother.” It wasn’t a question. Gamora ran the pad of her thumb over the buttons, careful not to press anything. Music was just one of many luxuries she could never afford. Maybe it was something she could indulge in while she was here, what with the kingdom being so “lax”, as Peter had described it. “You mentioned yesterday that you weren’t sure if you loved your father.”

“It’s not really something I like to dwell on. Why?”

“Because there’s a strong chance that this plan of ours will only find its conclusion in your father’s death.” She placed the Walkman back in his lap, her gaze traveling to the wall opposite them. It was now barren, devoid of movie posters and yellowed newspaper clippings. “And I have faith in you, Quill, I surprisingly do. But I’m starting to doubt that you’ll be able to follow through if you do, in fact, love him. I need to know that I can count on you.”

To her dismay, Peter immediately scrambled to his feet, stumbling backward like she had shot him. “That’s not what we agreed on!” he hissed. “You said you weren’t gonna go along with Thanos’s plans, but that’s exactly what he told you to do!”

“Quill - ”

“Oh, I see how it is now!” he exclaimed. “You’re just trying to convince me that I’m working with you, not for you!”

“I thought I made it obvious that your father would have to die. I’m not trying to convince you of anything but of your belief in me. Please, just listen to me,” Gamora begged, beginning to sense a ripple of unease in the air - or at least, that’s what she thought it was, until she noticed the tendrils of lights seeping in between his fingers, swirling tauntingly around his clenched fists. She got to her feet as well, holding out her hands in caution. “Quill…”

“I must be freaking insane to not see what was going on until now,” he muttered, and she suspected it was mostly to himself. He released his fists, though she got a glimpse of the grooves his fingernails had left in his palms, deep enough to draw tiny pinpricks of blood. Swerving on his heel, he stormed off towards the door, continuing to mumble under his breath as he did.

“Quill, don’t you dare go anywhere.” In one swift motion, Gamora yanked a small blade out of her holster and flung it towards him with the utmost precision, watching as it landed mere inches away from the doorknob. He startled with a yelp before spinning back around to face her.

“No, you know what? I’m not insane, you’re insane! He’s my father. He’s blood. Did you forget that whole thing where I said everyone else on this planet will die if he does? Or do you just not care? How is the plan a success if we end up killing all of my people, and how do I know you’re not gonna string me up and gut me like a fish the second this is all over?” he spat, striding over to her with a dangerously luminescent glow in his eyes. She was alarmed to see a reflection of the cosmos in his pupils, swirling masses of the deepest blues and the darkest purples. “You must think I’m a frickin’ idiot for not realizing until now!”

“Before you start throwing around baseless accusations, I’d like to remind you that I never said this was going to be easy,” she said coldly, pulling another blade from her belt and pressing the tip of it into his throat, just enough to redden the skin, but not enough to bleed. “And you better step back. Before I get dangerous.”

To her surprise, he didn’t even blink. “I am not letting my people down. I am not killing Dad, and that’s final,” he murmured. His eyes were entirely blown out now, resembling endless pools of black ink. The whites of his eyes were completely gone.

Still, she stared him down in complete silence - now was not the time to let her fear betray her pride - and they both found themselves at a complete standstill, the tip of her blade still firm against his jugular, before she finally stepped back and stowed it away. “I should have known this wasn’t going to work,” Gamora said resignedly, turning away as Peter’s eyes faded to normal once more. “In what universe could I possibly trust a pampered prince to think of the bigger picture? To put his life on the line for the galaxy?”

“At the risk of my people,” Peter repeated incredulously, watching her pace up and down. “Are you even listening to me?”

“All you ever do is talk!” she shouted very suddenly, spinning back around to face him. He was beginning to get whiplash just watching her. “You have been sitting here in this shiny golden palace of excess your entire adolescence, and you never once thought about fighting back against your father for what he does to you? To your beloved sister? Never considered what would happen if one day, he decided to do the very same to your people?”

“You think I don’t think about that?” he snapped, stalking over to the windows, jabbing a pointed finger outwards. “Every single time I go out there and I meet with my people, when I speak to them and ask them about their days, their worries, and what I can do to help with the hilariously tiny amount of power I actually hold in this kingdom - I always wonder what would happen if they knew the kind of man my father is behind closed doors. Would they actually run like I said they would? Or would they stand and fight? And I doubt dear old Dad would wait around long enough to find out. But that doesn’t lead me to thinkin’ about killing him!”

“If you want to wait until your father crosses the line, you go right ahead.” It was now her turn to finally walk away, yanking the knife out of the door as she did. Gamora paused in the doorway, her head slightly turned, though she refused to make eye contact. “See how many people he hurts, how many he kills, before you realize what you should have done all along. It’s taken me too long to realize what I have done in the name of Thanos. To realize that the consequences of my choices are far greater than the consequences of what would happen to me and me alone, had I refused to carry through. And I don’t ever want another innocent being to die by my actions - or inaction - ever again. I have sworn to myself to never become the person I am known to be any longer, and if that means having to sacrifice one planet to save the galaxy, then I will do it. If you don’t agree, well...you’ll have to kill me in order to stop me, your highness.”

With that, she swept out of the room, leaving Peter standing there, open-mouthed and utterly speechless. ______

“Already screwed up, and you known her for how long?”

Peter groaned, slumping across his desk in defeat. “Now isn’t the time, Yondu.” He had wasted the entire day yesterday, moping around in his quarters. He hadn’t seen so much as a glimpse of Gamora since she stormed out on him. From what the attendants had told him, she seemed to have slept in the guest wing last night, and never left for meals or her so-called rigorous exercise regimen. Ego was starting to get a little antsy in response, asking whether they were already in need of marriage counseling.

He wasn’t exactly sure why it had gone so wrong so fast. Maybe he was being idiotic, assuming that Gamora’s plans were entirely different from Thanos’s endgame. Maybe he should have seen that his father had to die on the path to peace. But maybe, just maybe, he was trying to be optimistic in a situation where no one else wanted to be. As complicated as his feelings about Ego had become over the years, death had never seemed like the answer until now.

And Gamora - he had thought they were making progress before when they had engaged in combat in the gardens, a moment of levity in spite of the heavy implications of what they were preparing to do. There was a playful fierceness in her demeanor, something warm, yet powerful all at once. It was the smirk on her face that gave him hope that they were on their way to becoming true allies, maybe even proper friends. Now, it seemed like they had gotten a closer look at each other, and neither of them liked what they were really seeing.

“Well, when is the right time? Because as far as you and your daddy are concerned, you’re getting married in six days,” Yondu retorted, settling into one of the cushy armchairs with a satisfied exhale. He yanked his yaka arrow from his belt and began poking at the fire, watching the flames flicker in something of a dance. “You know he ain’t listening to you about keeping it small, right? I seen bits and pieces of that guest list o’ his, and it’s like he invited the whole dang galaxy! Don’t get me started on all the appointments and crap he got me schedulin’ for you.”

“You sure you can’t get me out of it? Gamora and I aren’t exactly in the mood, in case you haven’t noticed,” Peter grumbled. “I’d be surprised if she hasn’t run screaming from this place already. I know I would.”

“Well, if the whole idea of this damn planet hasn’t scared her yet, I doubt anything else will. She’s tough, that girl. She ain’t going nowhere without a fight.” Yondu turned slightly in his seat to better observe Peter. “What’d I say about moping, boy, ‘cause this ain’t over. Ego’s got the chefs presenting the wedding menu at tonight’s dinner, and he’s gonna pay a personal visit to Gamora’s room if that’s what it takes to drag her outta there. You really wanna let him do that? I seen the way he talks to her, it ain’t right.”

“Well, she’s made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with me, so what do you want me to do about it?” Peter complained.

“Apologize, you dumbass,” Yondu said incredulously. “Get her on your side again. If you don’t, who knows what she’ll do. Y’know, you’d think with all them teachings about political strategy you had as a kid woulda done you some good. C’mon, Quill, I’m your advisor, not your conscience. Do I gotta think of everything around here?”

Peter couldn’t help but smile as he sat up a little straighter. “Only when I can’t be bothered.” ______

“Thanos has requested your attention.”

Gamora looked up from her work in surprise, narrowing her eyes in suspicion at the hologram that had suddenly appeared in front of her. Nebula, who was sprawled across the couch on the opposite side of the coffee table, merely groaned as if it were just a minor inconvenience, before rolling over to face the screen as well.

“What does Father want?” Nebula said snidely to The Other, who, as always, had his head tilted at an angle, his hood concealing his face almost entirely in shadow. There had been a time where both sisters thought him to be a monster, but now, he was little more than a warning beacon for what, or rather who was to come. “As we’ve already told you, we barely scratched the surface of this stupid planet because Gamora had a spat with her betrothed. It’s not my fault she likes to play with her food.”

The Other’s face vanished, instantly replaced with Thanos, who was scowling rather impressively. Nebula flinched, curling into the crease of the couch, tucking her feet underneath her. “So I’ve heard. Have you learned anything at all? Four days, and you’ve given me nothing. Do you really want to disappoint me like this, Gamora?”

“We are to be wed in six days, Father, but I can tell that Quill already trusts me,” Gamora replied, her voice as steady as she could manage. She held up the drawing she had been working on. “I’ve almost completed a map of the palace, but there are some areas that remain unknown, even to Ego’s children. I’ve also learned that he sometimes punishes them with his abilities. I suspect neither Quill nor Mantis have a strong emotional attachment to him because of it, so it should be easy to persuade them to help kill their father. Quill also seems interested in improving his Celestial powers and becoming their only leader, so overthrowing Ego was probably on his agenda, anyways. Having him join us in our quest to conquer the galaxy should be simple, provided we give him the illusion of real power.”

Nebula’s eyes widened in confusion before she realized what Gamora was trying to accomplish, and found herself surprisingly impressed. Even she was starting to believe in what her sister was saying, despite knowing the full extent of her argument with Peter and the circumstances in which it had come about in the first place.

“Excellent,” Thanos said, leaning back far enough that his shoulders came into frame. Somehow, seeing him on a screen made him no less intimidating than when he was towering over them on his throne. “I always said you were my favorite child for a reason, Gamora. No one else could have learned so much in so little time, and no one has my trust more than you. You have done well, my child. You should be grateful that I have bestowed this honor to you.” Nebula turned away entirely to fixate on the back of the room, suddenly fascinated by the floral arrangement by the bed, unsure of whether she wanted to hear another word.

“I am grateful, Father,” Gamora lied. “And when will you be arriving?”

“Oh, I won’t be at the wedding,” Thanos laughed. It was unsettling to hear such unbridled joy in his voice, the hairs on the back of Gamora’s neck prickling at the sound. “I have other matters to attend to, far more important than a wedding. I will come calling once Ego requests my presence, and only then will we set our plan into motion. In the meantime, continue to gather all the intel you can on the Celestials. Find out what makes them tick. And warm them to you, Gamora. This will only work if they believe you’re on their side.” Without so much as a goodbye, he disappeared, the hologram vanishing with an abrupt bzzt.

“Always love talking to daddy dearest,” Nebula drawled, finally rolling over to look at her sister once more. “Are you done batting your eyelashes at him yet?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I hardly told him anything,” Gamora snapped, shoving the communicator aside. “I didn’t tell him the planet would perish with Ego’s death, or about Mantis’s empathic abilities. Most of what I said was blatant lies and you know it, Nebula, so don’t you dare accuse me of anything.” She spread her drawings out further across the table so she could let her sister see the ones she had kept tucked away from Thanos’s watchful eye. “Quill doesn’t believe in his father, I can tell that much. He might be defensive of him, but he doesn’t think he’s a good man, either. And from what he’s told me, the biggest reason he’s holding back from killing Ego is because it would result in the death of his people. So if we want him to work with us again...we need to find a way to evacuate this planet as well.”

Nebula snorted. “Good luck with that.”

Gamora shot her another dirty look before continuing. “We have to get Quill back on our side, fast, before he decides that I’m a danger to his people and reports us to his father. We may be unmatched in fighting ability, but we’ll be powerless once the Celestial light comes into play.”

“You really think Quill would expose us like that?” Nebula said uncertainly, moving to kneel beside Gamora on the plush carpet. She began tracing her fingers across the sketches, processing the depictions of hiding spots and doorways to rooms that didn’t seem to exist.

“If he thinks we’re going to destroy this planet, yes, I think he would. His loyalty is to his people, not his crown. And you said just as much before, he’s irrational at his very worst. Honestly, even if he does eventually agree to killing his father, it doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind later on. We have to make it worth his while.” Gamora let out a defeated sigh. “Evacuating the entire planet...it’s nearly impossible. It’s beyond anything we’ve ever done before. But if we don’t at least try, we’ll never be able to convince Quill to join us again, and I hate to say it, but we can’t do this without his knowledge and his power.”

Nebula also slumped a little in exhaustion, shuffling the drawings back together listlessly as she considered her response. “Fine. But we are wasting our time here,” she said, waving her arms around in dismay at their surroundings. “If you’re so desperate to get him to listen to you again, then why are you hiding in my room?”

Knock-knock. The girls exchanged curious looks before Gamora stood, walking cautiously towards the door with her hand on her utility belt. “Who is it?” she called.

“It’s Peter. Quill. Uh, Peter Quill.”

“What impeccable timing,” Nebula muttered.

“What do you want, Quill?” Gamora hissed, rocking back on her heels in caution. Nebula shot her a look of pure derision - really, this was her strategy for getting Peter to help them again?

“Well, uh, for you to open the door. That’d be a great start.” There was a pregnant pause. “Also, I really think we should talk. About all that stuff we said to each other yesterday. Stuff we both probably regret. Well, at least I regret. I don’t wanna put words in your mouth, you probably hate that. See, there I go again - ”

“Quill.” Gamora yanked the door open, more out of annoyance than anything, and was startled by the uncharacteristically bashful expression on his face. He stepped into the room, giving Nebula an awkward wave in greeting, before gesturing towards the veranda.

“Can we maybe talk out there? In private?”

“I can take a hint,” Nebula sighed, getting to her feet. “Try not to kill each other. I don’t want to deal with the smell.”

Gamora rolled her eyes, muttering some choice words under her breath before stepping outside. It was rather ornate for a guest room’s balcony, though really, every square inch of the palace was dripping with luxury, the exception apparently being Peter’s quarters. It was detailed with gold carvings and glossy tile flooring just like every other room, featuring a set of velvet loveseats that overlooked the vast emptiness surrounding them, filled only with lush, multicolor foliage that occupied space that otherwise lacked people. Gamora was used to sparse environments - after all, Sanctuary was nothing but a void made of rock and stars - but it was the saturation of color combined with the lack of sound that left her a little disoriented.

“What is it, Quill? Would you like to accuse me of wanting to kill you for the third time?” She leaned over the railing, gazing out to the horizon. She felt like if she looked at Peter’s face for too long, the urge to punch it would be too hard to resist.

“I have a bunch of things to say, actually,” Peter admitted. “Um, but not that. First, I wanted to warn you about Dad coming to talk to you about tonight. I know you kinda hate me right now, but I figured you’d rather hear it from me than from him.”

“Tonight? What about tonight?”

“Like I said, Dad goes kinda crazy when big events happen, and they don’t happen very often. Seems like the spectacle begins tonight,” he replied. His fingers were drumming out an indefinable beat on his thighs, glowing very slightly as he did. “That thing where we make it super obvious we had a fight? We can’t afford to do it again, and not when other people are around, too. I think if he suspects that something ain’t right? He’s gonna use it as an excuse to go after your dad.”

“That sounds incredibly petty,” Gamora said with a mocking chuckle. “And is that your idea of an apology? Begging for my compliance?”

“I’m getting to it, you didn’t let me finish,” he protested. “I’m...sorry I called you insane. And accused you of wanting to kill me. I guess I just thought, in that moment, that my instincts were wrong. Like I couldn’t trust you like I thought.” He paused to sit on one of the loveseats, propping his elbows up on the railing, though he kept his gaze outwards as well. “I still don’t agree with you about what to do about Dad, but I shouldn’t have said all those things. I don’t think you’re crazy. Promise.”

“What do you think of me?” She began twisting the silver rings on her fingers, almost hypnotized by the way they caught the eerily orange-red glow of the planet’s sunlight. For a moment, they looked as if they were drenched in blood. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“I think you’re brave,” he offered with a tentative smile. Gamora’s fingers paused in mid-motion. “For what you’re doing here. All that stuff you said about the kind of person you want to be, that’s what really got to me. It’s why I came here to talk. And I do still wanna help, I believe in what you’re doing, I just...there’s gotta be another way.”

She resumed her movements, albeit much slower than before. “What if we evacuated the planet beforehand? Would that change your mind?”

“That’s impossible,” he countered almost instantly. “We might be a small planet, but that’s still two billion people you’re talking about.”

“And we have time. To talk about it, that is. To figure out the details.” Finally, Gamora turned her head to meet his gaze, though she chose not to sit next to him. It seemed too intimate. “Quill, I...I realize I shouldn’t have been so blunt, and mean. Your inexperience with violence is what makes you a good ally, not a bad one. It’s not the kind of experience anyone should want to have. And I went into this expecting that you hated your father as much as Nebula and I hate ours. You seemed so willing to help that I just assumed you understood my intentions. But as you’ve said before, our feelings towards Thanos are much less complex compared to yours for Ego. We know we’re only valuable to Thanos because he made us that way. At least Ego seems to care about you outside of your abilities, to a certain extent.”

“It does make things harder,” Peter admitted. “Kind of an understatement, right? But...I’m glad we could talk about this. I think we understand each other better now, right? And we need to be united if we’re going to pull this off.”

“I agree,” she replied, giving him the barest of smiles. “Letting our personal feelings get in the way will be of no use to anybody. We can find compromise where we can, sure. But we can’t let sentiment be our downfall.”

He gave her a curious look then, something she couldn’t quite place. She mulled over her own words, wondering what it was that she had said that had caused such an odd reaction, before being interrupted by another knock at the door. Peter winced in anticipation before standing, making his way back into the room to greet the newcomer. “Dad...he-e-ey, what’re you doing here?”

Ego swept into the room (as he did with any room), cape swirling about at his ankles, arm thrown wide. “Well, I could ask you the same question, son. Come to fix things with the wife, have you?”

Gamora winced a little at the way he had referred to her. Had he already forgotten her name? “It was just a small spat, your highness. I overreacted. I’m still...unused to being around people so often. It won’t happen again,” she promised.

“Understandable,” Ego nodded sagely. “You should move back to Peter’s quarters, then. After all, it’ll be yours as well in about six days.” He winked before turning to fully face his son, missing the disgusted look she shot Nebula, who was, once again, lounging on the couch like she owned the place, unperturbed by his presence. “Have you told her about dinner tonight? We’ve got a special guest joining us, and she’s coming from quite the distance. She’s looking forward to meeting your girl in particular.”

“Is that really a good idea, though? I mean, we’ve got so much wedding stuff going on, and - ” Peter began, but was quickly cut off.

“Nonsense! She’s in the area on business anyways. She’ll be here tonight, leave for work in the morning on a planet a few hundred clicks over, and return for the wedding.” Ego chuckled good-naturedly, clapping Peter on the shoulder.

“I meant for Gamora,” Peter stressed, wincing a little at the sudden contact. “Dad, c’mon. The more people we invite to this thing, the bigger chance there’ll be a problem. Can we at least look at your guest list? It is our wedding.”

Ego let out a long-suffering sigh, his hands coming to rest on his belt as he tilted his head in consideration. “Alright, son. You’ve gone and twisted my arm. Tomorrow morning, before you two meet with the decorator, got it?”

“Yes, thank you, Dad, that would be awesome,” Peter grinned, relieved, grabbing Ego’s hands and squeezing them between his. “That’s all we need, I promise.” Ego let out a merry laugh one last time before letting go, stepping out of the room without a parting sentiment or even a second glance at Gamora and Nebula. Peter turned back to look at the girls with a triumphant smile, arms spread wide. Gamora immediately thought of Ego and wondered if Peter realized how much of his physical mannerisms had been inherited from his father. “Well, that’s the best I can do, I guess. I hope that was okay. He...really didn’t wanna even look at you for some reason.”

“It’s simple. He believes our only true value is in our father, who isn’t here,” Nebula snorted, lazily fanning herself with one of Gamora’s drawings. “Keep up, Quill. You’re only pretending to be stupid, aren’t you?”

“Do you know who the dinner guest is?” Gamora asked him, ignoring her sister’s jabs as she snatched the paper out of her hand.

“No idea. He likes to talk up just about anybody. He did it all the time when Mantis and me were kids. He used to take us with him on trips and wanted to impress us with all the ‘important people’ he knew. It’s probably just the same kind of crap,” Peter shrugged. “So, we’ve got eight hours to kill before dinner. What should we do now?”

“I have some schematics drawn up in case of a battle,” Gamora offered, holding up her sketches. “Why don’t we discuss this in your quarters, with the others?”

He clapped his hands together in triumph, another oddly Ego-esque tic that made her a little nervous. “Sounds like a plan.” ______

“Say, Quill. What kinda tech you got lying around here on this planet?” Rocket asked. He was perched on the back of the couch opposite him, tossing a screwdriver head back and forth between his paws without looking down. Peter still wasn’t sure what to make of the other members of the Titan group just yet, but he brightened a little at the word ‘tech’. That, he could get behind.

The entire group had gathered in his private sitting room for the first time, as they had originally intended to do, noticeably divided by their allegiances. Peter was flanked by Yondu and Mantis as he often was, while Gamora and Nebula were sitting across from him, with Drax and Groot stood directly behind them, Rocket sat by Gamora’s shoulder. She seemed nonchalant about his screwdriver tossing, possibly even entirely unaware of it.

At last, Peter was starting to feel a little more confident about the whole situation, though there was no denying he was still fraught with nerves at how it could all go wrong. It was one thing to speak out of turn and get pierced by the light for an hour or two. It was something else entirely to try and take down two regimes in one fell swoop, especially with people he had yet to understand. He was admittedly still the slightest bit hesitant about Gamora, though his general respect for her had returned. Nebula seemed to be a never-ending source of snark, and the others? It was too soon to tell. Hell, Peter was doubting himself in this whole situation. He knew how to fight, sure, but it didn’t make him a fighter. Knowing how to take a punch and knowing how to kill a god - not exactly congruent concepts.

“Not much,” Peter admitted. “Dad likes to keep things organic. Says he always understood plants better than computers. I’ve got devices of my own that I’ve lifted from other planets, but nothing too advanced.”

“You...steal...things?” Rocket said slowly, surprised. “Some kinda prince you are. I’m almost impressed.”

“I go looking in places where people leave things behind,” Peter corrected him. “Junkyards, abandoned vaults. I’m more of a scavenger, alright? Thievin’ is more Yondu’s thing.”

“Really?” Rocket’s crimson gaze flickered towards him, observing him in a way that made him squirm a little.

“You’re lookin’ at an ex-Ravager captain,” Yondu boasted. “But Ego, he paid real handsomely. Eventually offered me a permanent position here, along with some of my crew. Noticed me and Quill got along real good and decided I should keep an eye on him.”

“So this planet is full of beings with impressive histories of illegal activity. Good to know,” Nebula remarked. Gamora put a firm hand on her lap in warning.

“We have more important things to discuss,” Gamora interrupted, glancing around the room. Yondu still looked rather smug - though really, he sort of always did - while Mantis was smiling serenely, if a little uncertainly, her legs tucked neatly beneath her, hands folded in her lap. She felt guilty about assuming so little of Mantis, thinking that she would be no more than some vapid little princess - she clearly wielded much more power than Gamora and her people could have anticipated, wasn’t nearly as shy as she had first appeared. “I think we were too hasty when we first agreed to work together. From what I can tell, all of us, to some degree, didn’t realize what we were agreeing to. I realize this is a lot to ask when it’s clear there’s still a lack of trust between our people, especially you towards us. And I understand why. Nebula and I...we have reputations that precede us. They will forever be a part of who we are, though hopefully, not who we are today. And I’m hoping that by doing this, we can at least sleep a little easier from now on, knowing that we’ve helped stop Thanos from destroying billions of lives. So all I’m asking for right now is for you to listen. And decide whether to trust me...trust us...after I’ve finished.”

“Can’t guarantee I won’t interrupt,” Peter said half-jokingly, leaning forward onto his knees. “But go ahead.”

Gamora glared at him briefly before moving to spread out her drawings across the table between them. “I’ve mapped out the entirety of this palace according to its best locations for strongholds and exits, given the likelihood of a battle taking place here. Chances are, Thanos will ambush once he’s devised a plan to control your father, and he will send his forces by the thousands. The Chitauri, for one. Possibly the Black Order as well. He will also, of course, expect Nebula and I to return to his side. Granted, his arrogance will keep him from joining the fight. He thinks he’s too important to get involved, not unless he’s truly needed. So when he begins his attack, he might not even be physically here for us to take him on as well.”

“But he is coming here at some point, right? Or are we just gonna be sitting around, waiting for him forever?” Peter said dubiously.

“He’s actually waiting for Ego’s invitation, if you can believe it,” Gamora snorted. “He wants to play nice, further the illusion that this is nothing more than an alliance. He’s instructed us to gather more information on you in the meantime so he’ll be prepared by the time your father reaches out to him.”

“And what’ve you told him so far?” Yondu prompted. “You best not be spillin’ our secrets.”

Gamora held up a hand before Drax could protest against Yondu’s casual diction. After spending an unexpectedly lengthy amount of time in Peter’s presence, she had already gotten used to their oddly informal speech patterns. “Nothing that will change his mind,” she replied with a shrug. “I told him the basics of how this planet runs, what its purpose is. I explained some of Quill’s Celestial abilities. However, I’ve also disclosed next to no personal details. Instead, I’ve been feeding him lies that should keep him away. For now, at least.”

“The most important thing is, Thanos cannot find out that killing Father will destroy the Celestial power source,” Mantis said softly. It was the first time she had spoken since everyone had sat down. Her antennae remained unmoved, unlit, though Gamora couldn’t help but find her gaze wandering to them every now and then, wary of what they implied. “Otherwise, he will most definitely go after Peter instead, out of spite. It would break Father’s heart.” The wetness in her eyes told the others it would break hers as well.

Peter suddenly sat up, reaching across as if to grasp at Gamora’s hand but deciding against it at the last second. She eyed him in confusion. “Gamora...that’s it.”

“What’s it?” she asked urgently.

“Thanos won’t come here unless Dad asks him to, right? So maybe that works out in our favor. That’s how we get both of them at once. You tell him you’re having trouble figuring out how it works or something. It gives us time to evacuate the planet slowly, not all at once. Then you tell Thanos that I told you how to control Dad’s powers, that he can do it the second he gets here. He’ll get here as soon as possible, and we let him...we let him kill Dad. Then the planet will die, and Thanos will die with it.”

“What?!” Yondu exclaimed, shooting up from his seat. “Since when was killin’ Ego part of this plan? I thought this was about making sure no one gets killed!”

Peter swallowed, though the lump that was beginning to burn a hole in his throat refused to go away. “C’mon, Yondu. I don’t like the sound of it either, but it’s kinda become our only choice here. How do you think he’s gonna feel if we kill Thanos? You think he’s just gonna let me get away with it?” He sighed, rubbing his temples. “Yondu...you’ve been saying for years that he’s not a good man. Remember when you first picked me up on Terra? You said, ‘I’m taking you to your daddy, but I’m warning ya, he’s a bit of a jackass’. And I agreed with you at first, because I just knew him as the guy who left my mom. But some days, I...I don’t know what to think.”

“That don’t mean we gotta kill him!” Yondu protested. “Wasn’t too long ago, you were talking to Ego, asking him if you could go visit your precious Terra one day. And now you’re suddenly talking about murdering him?” He cocked his head in Gamora’s direction. “What voodoo does she have you under, huh?”

“Nothing, relax!” Peter said firmly, grabbing Yondu by the wrist and yanking him back down by his side. “Look, unless you can think of some way to keep Dad from coming after me after I basically commit treason, then this is the best option. It’s not...the easiest thing to do, but it might be the right thing. And I don’t wanna be the guy who always does the easiest thing, not anymore.”

Growling under his breath, Yondu directed his glare in Gamora’s direction, only to be surprised by her dark eyes looking back at him intensely, almost pleadingly. “Nebula and I have spent our entire adolescence being the dreaded monsters under the bed. The reason that children and families cannot sleep peacefully at night, whether they were our victims or our targets. But now, we are the ones who are scared. Ego isn’t on the same level as Thanos, that much is true. And maybe it’s unfair of me to assume that he ever will be. I’ve been making a lot of poor assumptions lately,” she added, looking over at Peter briefly, who gave her a weak smile in return. “But we can’t afford to wait for him to get there when Thanos is ready to push him over the edge. And Yondu, Ego’s treatment of those under your care - they’ve already been hurt, over and over and over again. Does that not deserve some sort of retribution? Revenge?” Yondu glanced down for a moment before looking to Peter and Mantis, who looked uncharacteristically despondent. “I don’t want Thanos to hurt anyone else any longer. That’s all this is about for me. Do we not want the same thing?”

As much as he found himself agreeing with her, Yondu decided not to respond right away, instead focusing firmly on the children he had come to think of as his own. When they had been young and impressionable, Ego would be with them for hours at a time, showering them with affection, teaching them how to improve and control their abilities with the finest precision. He had been shaping the newly-christened kingdom as a benevolent god at the time, with Peter and Mantis acting as his good influences, his voices of reason.

Now that they were young adults - a very loose term, considering Mantis had only just turned eighteen - he was barely around, apparently having had his fill of parenting, leaving Yondu behind in his place. Yondu worried about them day after day, though he never said as much out loud. He worried that Peter’s confidence was turning into arrogance, that his all-loving nature was going to become borne of self-importance. He worried that Mantis’s sweet, giving nature would lead her down a path of submission and turn into an inferiority complex. Most of all, he found himself wondering what would happen if Ego were to ever pick up again, return in full force to direct their efforts towards something more...sinister.

“I remember a time when Quill was nine and Mantis was seven,” Yondu said gravely. “There was this real nice fountain out at the very front of the palace, kinda like the one in the garden. Had this big ol’ statue of - what else? - Ego himself. On top of his head, a real shiny crown, with a huge jewel to match. Some multicolor rainbow thing. Real pretty. One day, Mantis asks Quill if he would get the jewel for her. She wanted a pretty piece for her own crown, and Quill, he wasn’t good enough at his powers yet to make one for her. So, one night, they go out to the fountain. Quill gets to the top of the statue pretty easily. He turns to look at Mantis, ‘cause he’s proud, wants to show off a bit. Loses his balance and falls right down, smacks his head on the side of the fountain and knocks himself out cold. Mantis, she panics and jumps in after him, tries to drag him out but he’s too big and she’s too little, and now she’s caught under his body from twistin’ around too much in the water. Suddenly, Ego shows up. He pulls ‘em both out with that damned light of his, hangs ‘em up by the collar. Don’t let ‘em down until he’s thrown ‘em into his study. Locks the door, and just...walks away. They don’t get to change clothes, don’t get to dry off. No bathroom or food or nothing in there for ‘em. Quill’s bleedin’ from a big ol’ gash in his head, Mantis still has too much water rattlin’ around in hers. Ego comes to breakfast the next morning and acts like nothing happened. Asks ‘em if they slept okay.”

Drax, to Yondu’s surprise, was the one who reacted first, emitting a guttural growl of anger, his fists tightening until his knuckles had gone white. The others looked properly horrified as well, while Peter and Mantis shivered at the memory. Mantis in particular still remembered frantically wiping Peter’s forehead, desperate to stop the bleeding, and crying out when the door to the study had first opened, terrified that it was only going to get worse.

Gamora turned to pat Drax placatingly on the forearm, her eyes glossy, before looking back to Yondu. “How did you know what happened that day?” she asked gently. “I imagine Quill and Mantis didn’t describe it like that, not after that kind of trauma.”

Yondu let out a hollow chuckle. “Because Ego was standin’ right there the whole time, watching it happen. I snuck into his study to clean ‘em and patch ‘em up, bring water and blankets. When I walked out, Ego was waitin’ for me, wantin’ to tell me what he saw. Was just some funny story to him, I guess. ‘Those kids are gonna be the death of me, Yondu’. At breakfast, the kids are quiet. Shaking like mad, can’t eat a damn thing. All I can do is stand there and watch as Ego asks ‘em if they wanna go swimming later.”

Gamora could feel her own breakfast turning in her stomach at the very thought. Her mind called to a memory of Thanos, the first time she had disobeyed him. It was hardly the worst thing he had done to her in retrospect - no, the worst was yet to come - but it was still burned into her brain like it was yesterday. She had been tired, too tired to continue training, and requested to go to bed early. In return, he had tied her up, sat her down next to him, and began taking Nebula apart for the second time that week, her anguished cries carrying on for hours until she had fallen silent. Impulsively, Gamora’s hands went to Nebula once more, this time grabbing her out of solidarity rather than of warning. “And?” she whispered.

“And so I’ll help,” Yondu said darkly. “I ain’t putting up with that bastard no longer. I spent too long doing shady jobs for him, and sitting around on my ass while he hurts these two don’t make me any better, either. So maybe you’re onto something after all, Gamora.”

She smiled a little at the use of her name, nodding in appreciation, before turning to Mantis. “And what about you?”

“Father...it sometimes feels as if he does not really think of me as his child. Even before Peter’s arrival, he was mostly interested in my empathic abilities. If I did not have them...I suspect he would not have taken me in.” Mantis gave her a rueful smile, her antennae drooping slightly as she did. “It will not be a great loss for me, should we kill him. I do not think I would weep if he were gone.”

“And how ‘bout your people? They all on board?” Yondu asked, gesturing at the figures lurking behind the sisters.

“We have pledged our loyalty to the Titan throne, that much is true,” Drax said fiercely. “But our true allegiance is to Gamora...and Nebula, I suppose. Not to Thanos. And not to his other children. They are cruel, merciless beings who do not deserve to live any longer. Not after what they have done. I look forward to crushing their skulls in battle.”

“Plus, we ain’t stupid enough to go against Gamora. Have you seen the things she can do with that sword o’ hers?” Rocket snorted. Groot nodded gravely in agreeance, remembering a time when he had tried to take her on in combat training. It hadn’t ended well.

Peter glanced around the room anxiously, expecting to see anguish still written on everyone’s faces. He was pleasantly surprised to find that instead, the others looked steely-eyed and determined, if a little nervous. Maybe, just maybe, they would actually be able to work together now that they had sorted out their grievances, and not die horribly violent deaths in the process. “Okay, well, if everyone’s on board, let’s figure out our plan…” ______

The sun was already setting by the time one of the palace’s attendants came knocking, carrying bundles of brand-new clothing that Ego apparently wanted Peter and Gamora to wear for dinner. The other Titans had slipped out before they could be seen, making a hasty retreat to the guest wing where they were supposed to be, while Yondu and Mantis remained behind, smiling absent-mindedly at the newcomer. “Thirty minutes, your highnesses,” the attendant informed them as Yondu shooed him away.

“And no clothes for you, Mantis?” he frowned. “Ego told me he was expectin’ you to be there too.”

“Yes, well.” Mantis could only shrug in response. It was hardly anything new for her. “I will go pick out something from my existing wardrobe, I suppose. See you at dinner.” She bowed her head gracefully before leaving Peter’s quarters as well. He watched his sister go, hoping that he would be able to make it up to her later.

Gamora emerged from her bedroom a few minutes later, wearing the form-fitted silky jumpsuit she had been provided, yanking repeatedly at the neckline in hopes it would sit where she wanted to, as it otherwise generously dipped much further than anything she had ever owned or would like to own. “Is this your doing, Quill? I’ve been forced into waist trainers more forgiving than this.”

Peter frowned at the sight of her. Although she admittedly looked fantastic, the discomfort on her face told him all he needed to know, and it didn’t sit well with him. “No, it’s not me - that would be Dad. Why the hell would - okay, you know what, I’m not gonna finish that sentence, because I don’t think either of us wanna think about it. I’ll grab you one of my formal jackets, okay?”

Once they were both appropriately dressed and (reluctantly) ready to go, Yondu escorted them to the dining hall in complete silence, the three of them casting nervous glances at the multitude of guards stationed down the length of every corridor. They certainly hadn’t been present the previous few nights when Gamora and the rest of her people had first arrived, so clearly, Ego thought this guest to be someone of great importance, someone he wanted to impress. Speculation ran rampant through Peter’s mind, and it was only when they reached the enormous double doors that he finally managed to put two and two together.

Gamora froze instantly at the sight once she pieced it together as well, letting out a feral hiss and taking a step backward. She bent to reach for the blade she had hidden in her shoe. “What is this?” she snapped.

“Please, your highness, we mean no harm,” the Nova Corps officer said patiently, though the gloved hand resting on his blaster certainly wasn’t helping his case. “We’re only here as a precaution for her protection.”

“Protection from what?” Peter said incredulously. “From Gamora?”

“That’s not what I meant, your highness, my sincerest apologies - ” the officer blurted, bowing deeply.

“Except it is,” Gamora muttered. She took another step forward, her head cocked dangerously as she considered the poor Nova Corps officer who was now quivering in his place, just as Peter slid himself neatly between them. Yondu also leaped forward as if to drag him back, though he was eyeing the officer like he was about to bite.

“Hey, hey! None of that. Nobody’s killin’ anybody tonight, okay?” She glared up at him, absolutely murderous. Regardless, Peter found himself surprisingly unafraid. “Hey,” he whispered reassuringly, reaching as if to gently grasp her arm. She took another step back, the fire in her eyes turning into something else entirely - skittishness. He withdrew his hands immediately in surrender. “Hey, if things get bad in there with her and Dad, remember that I’m here too. And trust me, after everything we talked about back there - you should know that I’m on your side. Not his.”

Relenting, Gamora shoved the blade back into her boot and straightened up. “Fine, but I’ll only play possum if it gets us out faster. Give me your arm.” He looked at her in confusion before she yanked his arm outwards and looped hers with his, digging her fingernails a little too harshly into the crease of his elbow. “We have to pretend to be happily engaged, remember? It’s too early to start raising suspicion. So, have you met her before?”

“A few times. Dad always talks her up so she won’t look too closely into what’s going on around here or interfere with the politics.” Peter allowed Yondu to lead them inside, the latter still looking slightly disturbed at both the Nova Corps’ presence and Gamora’s sudden outburst. He strolled into the room, standing straighter than she’d ever seen him do before, and said cheerily, “Nova Prime! Always a pleasure to see you, ma’am. You look wonderful this evening. Not a day over...I’ll stop myself right there before I get into trouble.”

Ego and Nova Prime stood from their seats at the head of the table, bowing in greeting. Mantis was sat several seats further down the table despite there being no other dinner guests in attendance, wearing one of her old dresses, hands folded neatly in her lap. Her antennae were twitching nervously above her as if she were desperate to do something with them.

“And it’s always good to see you, your highness,” Nova Prime beamed, reaching out to him. Peter gave Gamora a quick but encouraging smile before releasing her and walking over to the older woman, allowing her to squeeze his hands in affection. “You’re growing up to be quite the star prince, aren’t you? Your father’s been going on about how you excel at all your royal duties. I’m so glad to hear it.”

What royal duties? Peter thought with a snort. “Ah, well, he has to say that, he's my dad,” he laughed, squeezing back before letting go. He took a step back so he could gesture towards Gamora, who looked unusually awkward, unsure of what to say or do. “Ma’am, allow me to introduce my lovely fiancée.”

“Ah, yes, Gamora.” To Gamora’s surprise, the warm, almost mischievous spark in Nova Prime’s eyes didn’t fade as she approached her, offering her hands as well. “How are you doing?”

“I - I’m doing quite well, Nova Prime,” Gamora said slowly, briefly glancing over at Peter in a panic before turning back to make proper eye contact, her fingers trembling with unease as she accepted the gesture. “It’s nice to meet you, ma’am.”

“You don’t have to be nervous, Gamora,” Ego called from behind Nova Prime, sweeping his hands out towards the table. As expected, it was set with golden dishware and cutlery, with cream-colored cloth napkins that boasted golden tassels, large vases of white roses, and a tablecloth made with golden thread. Gamora was starting to wonder how much gold her wedding dress was going to feature - and then winced at the prospect of wearing a wedding dress to begin with. “I promise, we have no ulterior motives here. Please have a seat, and let us enjoy this wonderful meal our talented chefs have prepared for us. After all, we have plenty to discuss!”

“Discuss?” Peter echoed as he sat down next to Mantis, patting her hand briefly in greeting. She shot him a grateful smile as he did. Gamora looked along the length of the table, debating how best to play her cards without offending Ego’s...ego, before sitting on Peter’s opposite, leaving a comfortable two-seat gap between her and the head of the table. “I didn’t know we were even having a discussion, Dad.”

“Did you really expect that your marriage to Gamora here wasn’t going to lead to Nova Prime wanting to make a house call?” Ego let out a good-natured chuckle. “Don’t be naive now, Peter, it doesn’t suit you. Besides, it’s just a little bit of politics here and there - no legalese, strictly speaking - and then we can talk about whatever we’d like afterward. You can tell Irani about your proposal!” He turned to address her with a wink. “I’ve yet to hear the details myself, I’ve been so busy making arrangements. Can you tell I’m excited?”

Peter swallowed. Suddenly, Yondu’s talk of his political teachings was coming to mind again, and frankly, he was drawing a blank. “Right. In that case, can I get a drink to start?”

The first ten minutes of dinner dragged on horrendously, leaving Peter, Gamora, and Mantis restless in their seats. At least Peter had the excuse of the beer he had insisted on - meanwhile, the girls were sipping their water glasses like they had nothing better to do, and in that moment, they really didn’t. Ego seemed intent on sharing every last story he had about Peter’s childhood as a way of warming up their conversation, though no one else seemed to be talking, aside from Nova Prime humming in response every now and then.

While Gamora was vaguely interested in learning about her future husband’s past - not to understand his value as her ally, she had seen a great deal of it already, but simply to just know him a little bit better - she couldn’t help but think of Yondu’s story instead. Her heart burned with anger as she watched Ego talk passionately about a son he had quite literally abandoned while in pain. Peter had clearly been sugar-coating it when he first spoke of it to her. Whether to protect his father, to repress his own memories, to avoid scaring her away, or some combination of the three, she wasn’t sure. She could only imagine that Yondu had a number of other stories of similar incidents, maybe things that none of them wanted to speak of again. There were certainly stories of Thanos that she would never recount to anybody, not even on her deathbed.

Gamora was also waiting for any sort of anecdote about Mantis, the ally she had seen or heard the last about. It became clearer with every passing hour that she was here that Ego barely regarded his daughter’s existence. Nebula could probably relate, what with the way Thanos openly referred to Gamora as his favorite while making a mockery of Nebula in the same breath. Even if Nebula won a fight, he would often make some scathing comment about how Gamora must have taken pity and allowed her to win.

“Now, Gamora, I know seeing me must disturb you greatly,” Nova Prime said with a knowing glance over her appetizer. “But I promise, this is no test. No tricks from me. I’m actually here to discuss the state of your criminal record.”

“And how is that not a trick?” Gamora retorted flatly. Ego looked offended at her hostile tone, but Nova Prime merely smiled in return, setting her knife and fork down in a display of passiveness.

“Because I’m offering you a second chance. A clean slate, if you will. Think of it as a bit of a bonus for marrying into the Celestial family,” Nova Prime chuckled. “As long as you never commit another crime and remain faithful to the throne you now serve, your record will remain blank. As if nothing ever happened.”

“The things that I’ve done, it wasn’t nothing.” Gamora stabbed a piece of her salad with her fork. “That ‘nothing’ you speak of is what makes people run in fear at the very mention of me. Being legally cleansed of my sins does nothing for my reputation...or my guilt.”

“We can make it public,” Nova Prime offered. “Very public. I’ll be the first to stand by you, Gamora. And knowledge of your marriage to Prince Peter will spread. He’s known for his good heart, and if the people believe he truly cares for you and supports you as well, then their perception of you will eventually change, too. As long as you remain allied to the Celestials, that is.”

Gamora’s mouth twisted in derision, her fingers tightening around her fork. It was starting to bend in the palm of her hand, leaving dents in her flesh. None of this was going to matter in a few months (or however long it would take) anyways, was it? She and Peter would part ways after taking down their respective fathers. He would be lauded as a hero, while she would probably have to go into hiding. Sakaar was starting to sound pretty cozy. “I have yet to do anything that proves my loyalty, so why are you bothering to offer me this ‘second chance’?”

“Sometimes, the offer is all it takes,” Nova Prime said gently. “I want to believe in you, Gamora. You weren’t born wanting to be a killer. You were turned into one under terrible circumstances. I can already see the difference right now, the effort you’re putting in. Who you were before, that’s not who you really are. It’s not who you want to be. And you’re still so young - you have so much ahead of you that you can’t even imagine yet. You can make a real, positive difference in this world if you’re given the opportunity. Allow me to give you this opportunity, to do this for you. And your friends, too.”

“My subjects,” Gamora corrected, her voice thick with emotion. “My sister as well. I have a few requests to make, however. You will never pursue my people with the intent to arrest or harm them again, so long as they abide by your laws. You will also lift the ban that prevents Drax from returning to his homeworld. He’s been mourning his family from a distance for too long, has suffered in silence for as long as I’ve known him. Only then will I completely agree to your terms, Nova Prime.”

It was a sign of her extensive history as both leader and negotiator when she barely moved a muscle at Gamora’s demands. Ego, meanwhile, was looking increasingly irritated by the minute. “Understandable. Anything else?”

Gamora stood very suddenly, her cutlery clattering harshly against her plate as she did. “And you will not speak to me as if you know who I am ever again,” she said slowly. She turned and promptly ran out the door, the hem of Peter’s dinner jacket whipping in the air behind her in absence of her cape. Peter could only gape after in shock, open-mouthed, before shutting his jaw with a snap and looking back to his father. Ego was unexpectedly only shaking his head in disappointment, the heated flush in his face having vanished.

“Mantis, do you know why you’re here at the table tonight?” Ego sighed, rubbing his temples in slow circles.

“I - because I am part of this family,” Mantis replied uncertainly, though her heart sank, knowing it wasn’t the correct answer, or at least, the answer he was looking for.

“Well, yes. But you were also here to prevent things like that from happening,” Ego said with a flick of his wrist in Gamora’s direction, his gaze cold. “Go after her, please. Bring her back. Let her know that outbursts like that will not be tolerated if she’s going to be a part of this family.”

“Now, Ego, that was my fault entirely!” Nova Prime protested. “I shouldn’t have said all those things, it wasn’t my place - ”

“Please, Irani, you’re our guest. Think nothing of it. The girl should’ve known better, let Mantis go after her,” Ego said, suddenly switching into yet another jovial laugh, as if nothing had happened.

“Uh, how about I go and get her?” Peter said timidly, holding up his hand like a schoolchild volunteering to read to the class. “She’s my fiancée, after all.” With another exasperated sigh, Ego waved at him to get moving, and Peter left the dining hall immediately, hoping he wasn’t too late.

Unfortunately, Gamora was already long gone, nowhere to be found in the enormous main corridor, though the attendants quaking in their boots gave him enough indication of which direction she had headed off to. Peter went to the guest wing first, hoping she was at least with people she could trust. He certainly had done a terrible job of keeping his short-lived promise to support her.

To his dismay, all he found in the guest quarters was the rest of the Titans engaged in a rather intense game of poker, screaming at each other from across the table over their cards, using bits of Groot’s bark as poker chips. He was half-tempted to join in, but he needed to find Gamora, fast, and Drax looked like he was about to literally flip the table. Peter then went to his quarters, half-expecting to turn up unsuccessful as well - he mused quickly over where else she could possibly have gone. The gardens, maybe? - and found her sitting on the couch with her head in her hands, jacket tossed aside, bunched up in a heap.

“Gamora?” he said carefully, shutting the door firmly behind him.

“Go away, Quill.”

“What - this is my room. Uh, well, it’s gonna be your room too - it kinda already is? - and I’m not helping, am I.” He groaned, rubbing his temples again before moving to sit in the armchair opposite her. “They want you to come back to dinner.”

“Could’ve figured that out on my own, thank you,” she drawled sarcastically, refusing to look up.

“Bu-u-ut, if you don’t wanna go back, I don’t blame you.” Peter undid the top button of his shirt as he spoke, letting out a sigh of relief as he did. He was honestly surprised Gamora hadn’t changed the second she got back to the room, what with both their outfits being so restrictive. “Nova Prime meant well and all, but I don’t think she realized how it sounded to you. Hell, I can’t imagine what it sounded like to you.”

“I know nothing of people.” Gamora slowly lifted her head to stare him down. Peter was alarmed to see her eyes were entirely bloodshot, the minimal makeup that she had been wearing now smeared across her cheekbones like warpaint. “But I know I can’t stand the type who pretend they know everything about people.”

“Not that we’re on the same level or anything, but that I do kinda understand,” he offered. “Dad says all these things about me to other people like he knows who I am. Or maybe it’s just what he wants me to be. But the only people who’ve ever really known me are Mantis and Yondu.”

“I wish I knew who I was,” she said quietly. “I know I’ve been talking extensively about who I was and who I want to be, but...what happens once this is all over? There’s no chance of me getting my ‘clean slate’ if we take out our fathers. I’ll still be hunted like an animal. For everything that I’ve done.”

“Gamora, I...I don’t need to know your entire history in order to trust you,” he said gently. “Because weirdly enough, after that awful fight of ours, I do trust you now. At least, enough to start a pseudo-revolution with you.” She cracked a tiny smile at that. “But if you need someone to talk to...I know I let you down earlier. I should’ve, I dunno, cut in earlier before it was too late. Let me make it up to you. I’m a good listener, I swear.”

“I think…” Gamora let out a shaky breath, stretching out her fingers to relieve the stiffness in her clenched fists. “I think I’m done with this conversation. For tonight, at least. Besides, there’s no use in letting my pride get in the way of our mission.” She paused. “Actually, I’m...kind of hungry. But returning to the dining hall would only make things worse for me. I imagine your father is furious. I’d be surprised if he’s still on board with our marriage.”

“Forget him,” Peter scoffed. “Let’s just eat here. You and me.” He extended a hand, and for a wild moment, she thought he wanted her to take it. A thin, square cardboard box seemingly materialized out of nothing, hovering slightly atop the white light that had burst forth from his palm, before it settled itself down on the table between them. “Pizza?”

“What is it?” she said curiously, leaning forward to open the box and stare down into its contents.

“It’s a food from my native Terra. It tastes pretty awesome, but it’s not the healthiest thing in the world. But right now, I couldn’t care less, and I’m guessing you feel the same way.” Another snap of his fingers, and he had produced paper plates and napkins for two. She couldn’t help but be impressed once more - for someone who claimed to be amateurish at unlimited powers of creation, he was certainly doing a good job of hiding it. “So, dinner?”

Gamora smiled a little bit wider, accepting the plate he offered her. “Oh, why not. And...thank you, Quill.”

He glanced at her in awe. “I...for what? I totally let you down back there.”

She shrugged. “I wasn’t expecting much,” she teased. “Besides, you came through in the end. You did just enough. And that’s all I can ask for.”

Peter snorted, shaking his head. “I did just enough, hey? I think you just came up with my personal M.O.”

a/n: i know, i know, this chapter was kind of incredibly long, but i wanted to lay down some exposition/framework so we can really get to business in the next chapter. speaking of, i'm not 100% sure when i'll be posting chapter 3 but i'm aiming for the first week of january so look out for that!

as always, thanks for reading, likes and reblogs would be much appreciated, and i'll see y'all in the next one!

[lygerastia]

heliotrope [Saeran Choi]

Summary: The dream you had last night is still vivid in your mind. What are the odds when, the next day, you stumble upon a guy that strongly resembles the one in your dream, standing amidst flowers? Curious and lovestruck, you decide to investigate just who managed to capture your heart so easily.

Flower Shop AU 

Warnings: None. 

Chapters: 5 [Completed] 

Words: 8, 483

READ THE FULL STORY ON AO3

***

i.

Today, you’re distracted. 

You have no idea why. Something is on your mind and you can’t quite focus on what’s going on around you. Although you usually paid attention in class, diligent when taking notes; you spaced out a lot. Even now, as you’re walking down with your college friends towards home and they’re chatting happily about some latest gossip involving a certain handsome actor: you are simply not listening. You don’t feel like it, too enveloped into your own thoughts to care. 

Today felt special. You woke up with a surge of energy, your heart fluttering and wearing a large smile on your face—you believe it was all the cause of the dream you had. Fragments of it still float in your subconscious, but you don’t remember exactly what it was. You just remember some words, something to do with someone loving you or you loving someone madly in return. Or both. And roses—dozens of them, a garden filled with colorful flowers with you in the middle alongside an unknown figure. You can taste ice-cream on your lips but then a different flavor replaces that cold feeling. The figure is kissing you. But you can’t see the expression, there is nothing that can help you determine who was your fateful one.

There was just a strong flowery fragrance coming from him. At least, that’s what your brain made you imagine.

You were not one to believe in such premonitions: but you’ve never had one like this before. It felt real, like it was really going to happen in the future and it was not just a figment of your imagination. It stirred something inside of you and the sentiment stayed with you the whole day. Giddy and distracted, you couldn’t focus. You kept on thinking about that mysterious boy from your dreams, attempting to recall his face. But you had no clue…Will you ever meet him? you wondered continuously. You could only hope so…

As you’re crossing a street, you falter behind, trying to separate yourself from the group. You couldn’t pretend to enjoy the conversation anymore. You sigh, enjoying the warmth the sun has to offer—it was such a beautiful day for a destined encountered; but it was already the end of the day and nothing impressive happened. The sky had an orange hue and you stared at the passing clouds as you’re slowly walking, not really paying attention to your surroundings. Slow traffic. Silly of you to actually get your hopes up because of a dream—it might’ve been just that: a dream. But you wanted to believe, really; you’re tired of staying all alone, to not feel the warmth of another person around you. Was it bad for you to crave the attention of an affectionate lover?

A gust of wind suddenly picks up and throws your hair around--as well as dust in your eyes. You groan as your eyes sting from the force, making you close them for a few seconds. You turn your body to the side to shield yourself and when you’re safe, when the wind has died down, you manage to open them back. Thank God you already crossed the road, your friends long way gone. Rubbing your eyes, you want to yell after them to wait, seeing their silhouettes a few meters in front of you. Yet you can’t say anything—something else catches your eyes on the other side of the road. But it’s too sunny and your eyes are still teary: you can only make out an unknown figure, just like the one in your dreams. It makes your heart pick up the pace nonetheless, dream or not. Something about the shape felt familiar. You rub your eyes more fiercely, trying to see—it feels like endless minutes until you can finally see properly.

Your breath catches in your throat.

“You…” 

You don’t know what to say; you’re at a loss. In front of a large window that belonged to a flower shop, there’s a man standing, holding a broom in his hands. He’s not sweeping, distracted by something else in the distance. But it gives you the chance to admire this beauty that so instantly captured your heart. He seemed like he belonged on another planet, he was from another dimension: he wasn’t real. Couldn’t be. A tall individual, wearing a normal yellow sweater and some casual pants. An apron with the shop’s emblem covered his clothes; he looked like a normal good boy. He had a shock of white hair with red tips, most likely dyed, fluffy and messy looking, shielding most of his face from curious gazes. It was gently flowing in the breeze as he looked up at the sky with a melancholic and sad expression. Not entirely sad, though—it was as if he was curious about the world. As if he never saw the sky or the clouds floating around; he was searching for an answer. Those beautiful mint eyes gleamed in sorrow, contemplative. But then his lips curled into a small smile and he returned back into the real world, coming down from his high. He started sweeping, yet not before slightly lifting his head and glancing straight at you.

You immediately flushed in embarrassment from being caught, but you still couldn’t look away. You were pinned down by the intensity of those turquoise orbs, inquisitive and curious. Probably wondering why you were staring at him so piercingly. Yet he oddly looked mesmerized by you too—it all felt natural. As if you knew him from somewhere yet there was no way you could have. He was a stranger, you didn’t even know his name. But here you two were, communicating in a non-verbal way and understanding each other.

It was the curiosity that drew you two together. It was the attraction that made the whole world stop—it was just the two of you. And it was all that mattered.

However, sadly, this wasn’t a movie and the world keeps on turning, no matter what. He loses interest and he returned to his normal self, remembering he had his job to do. He lowers his head and you look away. You hear footsteps approaching and your name being called. One of your friends realized you were missing and has come to get you. They ask you if you’re fine and you mutter an answer, feeling faint. The encounter made you dizzy—you wondered if the boy is the one in your dreams…

“Let’s go,” the hand of your friend on your shoulder finally makes you move, despite not wanting to. Your feet barely move but you know you have to. You attempt to memorize this place, to know where to find the white haired beauty next time. A small flower shop, almost invisible if you’re not paying attention. Sunflower, it was called—a fairly normal name, but maybe it held secrets. You can spot beautiful and various flowers arranged behind the display, making you want to smell them all.

You were never that interested in flowers, but maybe you can start to be…

You can meet him officially tomorrow, though the thought made you embarrassed. You can’t let this occasion slide. You need to meet him. And you hoped he felt the same. ‘One more time…’ you tell yourself as you’re moving. You turn your head: he’s not watching you, though. A client came, entering the door—she was smiling so brightly at him, making you jealous. It was probably someone that came often, for some reason. You’d do that too if it meant seeing him everyday…You feel as if you visiting him might become a routine. At least he’s not smiling at her and only nods, following the girl inside. He leaves and you suddenly feel lonely.

But it was a sweet kind of loneliness—one that might be healed.

You recompose yourself as you join your friends and they start joking about your daydreaming. You laugh distractedly about it, your mind still on the boy. You want to know his name. You want to know what makes him tick, how he is in real life, the sound of his voice. His story. Everything. You want to feel the texture of his lips, the gentleness or roughness of his touch—simply everything. A small hope starts to bloom inside your heart and you can’t wait for tomorrow, to see him in person.

Sunflower…The name won’t leave your mind. Funny—you’ve passed this road hundreds of times and never knew it existed. Now, you were blatantly aware of it. Maybe if you’ve been paid more attention to your surroundings, you would’ve known about him a long time ago.

You smile and make a promise “Wait for me…”

 ii

“Ah, they’re here again!” the red head chuckles in amusement, whispering in the white haired boy’s ear (or at least trying to, Saeyoung not being a very discreet person). Saeran groans, yet his eyes quickly search for the figure of the person that caught his attention. “Hmmm, I wonder if they’re really interested in buying flower or they’re just here to ‘scout’.”

“Scout?” Saeran asks, glancing briefly at his twin. “What for?”

Saeyoung’s leer is incredible as he grabs Saeran by the shoulder to whisper as if the two were conspiring about something. “Us.” Saeran raised an eyebrow in suspicion. “I mean, either me or you…” he trailed off playfully.

“What are you trying to say?” Saeran snapped defensively.

The red head shakes his head, not believing that his brother could be this innocent. “That they’re in love with one of us and they’re here just because they want to see us.” Saeran gives Saeyoung a weird look, making the red head sigh dramatically. “But they’re not here for me, sadly. They’re here for you, Saeran.”

“What are you talking about…?” his voice drops low, feeling shy at the prospect that he could be their target. Although this is a thing he’ll never admit to the famous hacker, 707. He did notice them roaming around their shop; they’re coming more often lately. The red haired boy chuckles and leaves Saeran alone behind the counter. He knew something was going on between his brother and the person that keeps coming to their shop. He’s noticed the way they look at Saeran—it was a gaze full of admiration and want. Whenever they catch Saeran’s gaze, they immediately blush and look away, pretending they were looking at some random flowers. The first time they came, they avoided any contact with Saeran and yet still stared at him whenever they believed no one was looking. But Saeyoung was perceptive and sly and he picked up on the slightest of hints.

They were clearly in love with his brother. And Saeran…Saeran was still a mystery and yet he wasn’t far from sharing the same sentiment.

The red head chuckled as he hid behind and wall and watched with interest the encounter between the two of them. As if they ever talked, he rolled his eyes. 

Saeyoung was the one who was first drawn to them and, using his cheery self, tried to approach his next plaything. It was his job to sell, so of course he wanted to profit. He kinda scared them though—they ran away with a heavy blush on their cheeks, frightened from being caught. He felt sorry for that; so the next time they had the courage to came back around, he profusely apologized. They apologized too, since they felt they were being rude for running like that. The two quickly struck a conversation and a friendship bloomed between the hacker and the ‘stalker’, so to say. Saeyoung knew their name—an advantage he’d like to brag to Saeran one day. But since the boy didn’t ask yet…He kept the secret to himself. And he never asked about their intentions; he just kept playing a game.

To be honest, he tried to make Saeran talk to you since it was obvious they wanted to talk to him but were too shy about it. He sincerely tried, but Saeran was relentless—“Aren’t you their friend?” he responded with a envious sneer and left it like that. However, Saeyoung knew Saeran was slightly jealous. Sometimes, when he got too friendly with them by making them laugh or putting an arm over their shoulder, he felt two eyes burning the back of his head. He only laughed it off, pretending that there was nothing going on. But Saeran was obviously more moody afterwards, snapping at Saeyoung for seemingly no reason or simply sulking. It only annoyed Saeran, even if he didn’t do shit to change the situation. Not one of them did anything—just pined over each other and only frustrated Saeyoung.

He had to do something. He was tired of seeing his brother glancing dreamily in their direction whenever he was standing at the counter, with his chin in the palm of his hand. His turquoise eyes followed their figure as they stepped carefully between the same aisles, staring at the same flowers, their fingertips brushing a certain leaf, a certain petal. Saeyoung can find Saeran later, after they were gone, going on the same path they took, touching the same petal, the same leaf. Wearing a contemplative and dreamy expression, a soft smile on his lips. 

It was all clear, all the signs were there! Why were they being so obstinate when it came to their happiness? They should both pursue it!

Damn it! When their eyes met, the spark between them could be felt. You must be blind not to see what was going on. So Saeyoung has to take it all in his hands. He’d be the matchmaker of his brother no matter what!

“Saeran!” he suddenly shouts from the back store, making the white haired boy jump in surprise. And it attracted their attention too, as they curiously glanced in the twin’s direction. Saeran was aware of that, that’s why he was giving the red head a death glare. ‘What.’ His gaze seemed to say. Saeyoung only grinned widely, signaling that he was up to something. “I want to go and eat something, can you take care of the customers for me for a few secs?!”

“No.” Saeran was pretty sure this was a ruse.

“You wanna lose your job?” Saeyoung’s tone turned serious, his expression not as amused as before. Saeran knew that this was his chance of redemption, so he couldn’t be a disobedient brat. “I can’t convince them,” he pointed with his head in their direction, “to buy anything, so maybe you can. It’s up to you.” Then he put his palms together and winked pleadingly. “Please~” Do it for yourself, stupid!

Saeran sighed, annoyed, then looked at the ground for a few seconds, thinking it over. He seemed to come to terms with himself and reached a conclusion when he lifted his head to look at Saeyoung. But the red head could read him beneath that cool composure Saeran had. He was probably dead scared and frightened of the encounter yet he pretended he was not. “Ok,” Saeran said and robotically turned to face them. They quickly turned around, pretending that they weren’t curious about what the two have been talking about.

“Thank you~ Good luck!” and Saeyoung quickly ran away, leaving Saeran to deal with it all.

The boy sighed and decided to just do it already. He spotted them right from the beginning and was instantly attracted. There was a connection between them that seemed to cross dimensions. So it was normal to be interested in the way they were looking at them. It made his heart jump and butterflies to upset his stomach. He didn’t want to think he was in love—he long forgotten what that felt like and he never had part of any romantic love anyway. That’s maybe the reason why he felt so shy about it all, why he was afraid of getting close to other people. He didn’t have many good experiences with trust; and he didn’t want to repeat the same scenario. He wanted to keep away in spite of his real feelings.

Saeyoung seemed to be of another opinion. He was a nuisance, keeping on pestering Saeran to make friends, be more open. He tried, ok? It was hard of him to get used to all of this attention and to another lifestyle. He had to take things slowly—but he appreciated his brother’s intention. He knew he only wanted the best for him. So that’s why he had to step out of his comfort zone and confront them. Even if they were so beautiful that one glance could make him blush deeply and stutter like an innocent school boy. Even if they plagued his thoughts at night, making him think what were they searching in the shop all day? Why did they keep on coming, not bothering to buy. And what kind—

“What kind of flower are you looking for?” the words slip out of his mouth before he can catch them. He didn’t even realize that he was by their side; his body has moved on its own. But here he was, staring at their surprised face and he knew he had to face this situation. It was too late to back down without looking like an idiot and he already asked them something. He had to be brave and face them. He tried to ignore their smile when they saw he was actually talking to them—it made him sweat, his palms growing wet. But his face showed nothing; at least he could keep himself composed.

“Ah, umm…” they acted all flustered, cheeks red. Saeran felt his own reddening and he fought the instinct to look away. Their gaze was too bright. Like sunshine. Their [e/c] seemed to sparkle with intense emotions and it took Saeran by surprise. He never felt more loved. “I uhh…I don’t really know…” Such a soft voice, so shy…

He lets out a sigh, without meaning anything bad. “…You’ve been staring at the lavender rose a lot. Are you interested in it?”

Their eyes widened into saucers and their blush only seemed to deepen. “You’ve—“ they gulp. “You’ve watched me?”

“You always come here and you never buy anything. Just stare at the flowers. Of course you caught my attention.” His words are blunt, but they knew it was actually the truth.

“Oh…well, that’s true…” they stare at their feet in embarrassment. “I just…can’t decide…on what to buy.”

“Are you looking for something in particular?”

“Umm, no,” they sigh then look into Saeran’s turquoise eyes with a small smile. “I’d—I’d like you to recommend me something. A flower that you like.”

I’d like to know your taste.

“Ah, I don’t have any particular flower I like,” he says, growing distant and melancholic. He gently touches the violet petals of the rose nearby. “But this rose is beautiful…You have nice taste.”

“Oh..”

“Do you know the meaning of it?”

“Meaning…?”

Saeran nods. “Every flower has a hidden message. This, for example, means ‘love at first sight’. Beautiful..”

“Ah,” they giggle softly, hiding their smile behind their hand. “It makes sense now. Why I’m so attracted to this rose in particular…I kinda want a bouquet of it.”

The boy does not understand what they mean, their eyes clouding over with something dreamy. They were thinking about something…or someone. They seemed in love. Were they in love? Despite himself and despite the fact that he did not necessarily know much about their life; he felt jealous. But he pushed these negative feelings away and shrugs, speaking lowly. “I can make you one. It’s my job, after all.”

They smiled at him, widely, and shyly glance at the boy. “But I am still curious of your recommendation. Especially now that you told me their message…” They sounded hopeful and that tone stirred emotions inside of Saeran. He wanted to please them, he wanted to show that he was capable of making them happy. He bristled, pretending he was looking around for inspiration, the variations of flowers and their meanings coming into his head. He had a lot where to choose from and he wanted to send the correct message without being too obvious. And when his eyes settled on a particular flower, he knew that that was his best decision.

“…Morning glories…” he muttered, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. They followed his finger where he was pointing to, curiously.

“Umm, I don’t know what are—“

“Come with me.” Saeran suddenly got bold and grabbed their hands in his. They squeaked cutely in surprise and a part of him liked the fact that he made them sound like that. Their hand felt incredibly warm and cozy—he wanted to feel that softness every single day. He wanted to wake up to their face in the morning, he wanted to kiss them…All of these thoughts passes through his head in the short moment he held their hand, until they arrived where the morning glories were. He couldn’t even observe their reaction, too shy to check. It wasn’t the time for this. He was just doing his job.

No?

When their hands separated, they immediately felt the loss—both of them.

“These are…?” they seemed to be in awe as they stared at the flowers. Then they curiously lifted their head to look at Saeran. Cute. “What do they mean?”

Saeran played it cool, as if his heart didn’t skip a beat in that moment. “I’ll let you research on that,” he smirks playfully, though. He couldn’t help being a little shit.

“…Can you teach me? Their meanings, I mean.” It was the white haired boy’s turn to be shocked by the proposition. His reaction didn’t go unnoticed by them, who immediately blushed and started to track back in defense. “I-It’s o-ok, it was a stupid—stupid idea, please forget—“

“…Ok.” They don’t hear Saeran at first but his expression suddenly turned soft, attracting their attention. He was toying with a strand of white hair, carefully avoiding their gaze and—was that a blush on his cheeks? “I’ll teach you.”

“…Mmm…” they nodded and a silence befell them. A comfortable silence, yet rapidly turning awkward. But the atmosphere was gentle and kind. Soft. Both of them wouldn’t change anything. “I-I’ll look forward to it,” they finally speak and smile. “Ummm…I’m [name].” They extend their hand for him to take and shake.

Saeran stared at it like a lost puppy, unsure of what to do. Then he remembers that this was the way he should do it and slowly takes it, as if he was wary of everything. What name should he use? He had many: Ray, Unknown. But the most important one, the one he learned not to hate...“…Saeran.”

“It’s nice to meet you!” they declared with a luminous smile, their energy reaching him through their connected hands.

“…Mhm.” he nods, not wanting to let go. He feels getting sucked into that smile and he’s afraid of its power. He lets go, taking a step back and taking a defensive stance. This was all new to him, these feelings and the power this person seemed to have over him. It was as if he was looking at a sun, one that can illuminate his dark world. His dark side—the one hidden—was long gone, but remnants of it remain. He is afraid that maybe one day, he’d go back to that again. To his Mint-Eye days…

But he saw a ray of hope inside of you. That warmth—he wanted to keep it by his side. And he’ll do anything to achieve that end.

“So, you’ll take the flowers?”

--

[masterlist]

[thesellamasaintloyal]

In defense of Rey

Alternatively titled, “There’s a shit ton of things wrong with the Star Wars Sequel trilogy but Rey being a so-called Mary Sue isn’t one of them, Jesus Christ guys it’s been four years can we not-“

((This was born thanks to a post which compared The Child aka Baby Yoda’s innate abilities to use the force despite being a literal toddler to Rey’s force abilities despite her ‘lack of training’, and the hypocrisy of the fandom in accepting one at face value and not the other. Obviously, I agreed, but when the fuck boys come out to play so do my twelve paragraphs lol fight me))

———

People love to compare Rey to Luke and Anakin, and claim that she’s a Mary Sue because she naturally awoke to some of her Jedi abilities, such as her ability to fight, fly with expert ease, as well as her innate understanding of the force. What people love to forget is that the circumstances of their lifestyles naturally led to different development rates toward their innate abilities while using the force. I’d like to include Leia in this as well.

On the bottom rung of the “I can use my force powers right off the bat” we have Luke. Luke grew up as a farm boy in middle-of-nowhere Tatooine, who had little to no reason to use any of his force abilities beyond flying, where he developed his famed capacity to be a pilot. He was raised in a relatively safe environment, protected from the war and conflict that was happening throughout much of the galaxy, and his greatest grievances were simply not being allowed to join the rest of his friends at the academy because he had to keep farming. Out of all four characters he had the most ‘normal’ day to day upbringing, and thus many of a Jedi’s abilities were not developed in the slightest- meaning he had the most to train and the most to learn.

Not too far ahead on the rung is Leia. I’d like to examine her as well, because she had a similarly ‘protected’ upbringing as Luke (in some ways even more so, being a princess and all) and thus did not have the chance to develop many of her innate force skills until later in life. However, Leia was not any spoiled princess laying around in riches. Leia was exposed to politics and warfare and the rebel cause her ENTIRE life, watching her (adoptive) parents not only actively participate in the rebel alliance but practically lead it.

She clearly had some training with weapons, knowing enough to be able to handle several firearms throughout the series, and most importantly- she learned strategy, she learned tactical knowledge and leadership skills, she learned patience and focus, self-awareness, and most importantly the ability to think calmly in a desperate situation. The latter of these skills are all absolutely essential to a Jedi and absolutely form part of the training they undergo, which means all she needed to complete her training was the more physical aspect, and which is why historically in the original trilogy she had far more patience and resilience than Luke when things (invariably) went wrong.

Higher up on the rung is Anakin. Anakin was also raised on Tatooine, but his experience of the planet was far different from Luke’s. His Tatooine was a bustling trade center and full of crime- and he was born a slave in these conditions. Exposed to both mechanical knowledge and more hard labor (carrying parts, repairing parts and ships, and so forth) Anakin had the opportunity to build up some more core strength, and his infamous flying abilities (which honed his reflexes) were also given the opportunity to grow thanks to his exposure and participation in pod racing.

For all intents and purposes Anakin is the saga’s Jesus figure, the “one”, canonically conceived by Midichlorians and a singular entity in his strength and potential regarding the force. However, we don’t see his innate fighting abilities as a child because there is simply no reason to within the scope of the storytelling in the films, and no opportunity either. It also makes sense that Anakin would not NEED to worry too much about fighting or defending himself- as a slave he is property, and would not be touched unless the aggressor was ready to pay Watto for his loss of property, or be penalized for “breaking” what was not theirs.

The little we DO understand of Anakin’s personality is that as a slave, he was raised with an understandable self-constraint (in order to perform his duties well and not have himself or his mother punished) which may have also delayed some of his development; once the constraints of a slave were removed, we are shot forward 10 years and we met a nineteen year who is vastly changed and light years ahead in his use of the force and understanding of his own abilities, the same age his children were when coming into contact with the Force.

Obviously, Anakin is the most developed in terms of formal training by this point in time, as Luke, Leia and Rey were only just introduced to the concept of the Force, and had to, as Yoda said, “Unlearn what [they] have learned.” Nevertheless, narratively we are not given much of an opportunity to see his innate force abilities so much as we are told that they are singular and unique- enough to allow him to be trained at what was already considered an ‘old’ age for a Jedi.

Finally, Rey.

Rey is abandoned and orphaned at about the same age as Anakin was when found by Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Unfortunately for her, there was no salvation waiting- we are shown and told that she lived alone, practically enslaved in order to survive. This is a girl who learns to climb massive wrecks of spaceships and learns to not only identify the various complicated components but how to take them apart, clean them, repair them, and reassemble them- because doing so means a better meal and future opportunities to keep eating. This is a girl who is forced to learn how to defend herself, who actively fights for her life- because if she allows others to steal the parts she already risked her life to collect, then she risks starvation. Not to mention the obvious implications of young, attractive woman living by herself in a deserted, practically lawless land. Unlike the other three- Luke, Leía, and Anakin- Rey had no protections and no guarantees when it came to her safety, and thus had to learn to fight and defend herself; honing those natural force abilities from an early age in order to keep herself safe.

Furthermore, Rey is isolated. We see that she has no viable “friends” on Jakku, and keeps a pleasant but safe distance from others. That sort of solitude invites introspection- which can only help train the meditative aspects that form part of that famed Jedi calmness and mindfulness. I don’t find it hard to believe whatsoever that Rey may have been able to identify something within herself that was ‘different’ - just as Anakin, Leia, and Luke all claimed to have understood at various parts of their respective journeys.

What is also but briefly seen and not explored in the films, but IS explained in the supplementary novels is that Rey possessed an old flight simulator, as shown here:

“She’d jury-rigged a computer using pieces scavenged from several crashed fighters over the years, including a cracked but still-usable display from an old BTL-A4 Y-wing. There were no radio communications to speak of—no way to transmit or receive and, frankly, nobody she wanted to talk to anyway. On the wreckage of a Zephra-series hauler, though, she’d once found a stash of data chips, and after painstakingly going through each and every one of them, she’d discovered three with their programs intact; one of them, to her delight, had been a flight simulator.

So when she wasn’t sleeping or just sitting and listening to the storm or tinkering at her workbench, she flew. It was a good program, or at least she imagined it was. She could select any number of ships to fly, from small repulsor-driven atmospheric craft to a wide variety of fighters, all the way up to an array of stock freighters. She could set destinations, worlds she’d never visited and never imagined she would, and scenarios, from speed runs to obsta“cle courses to system failures.

At first, she’d been truly horrible at it, quite literally crashing a few seconds after takeoff every time. With nothing else to do, and with a perverse sense of determination that she would not allow herself to be beaten by a machine that she herself had put together with her own hands, she learned. She learned so much that there was little the program could throw her way that would challenge her now. She’d gotten to the point where she would, quite deliberately, do everything she could think of to make things hard on herself, just to see if she could get out of it. Full-throttle atmospheric reentry with repulsor-engine failure? No sweat. Multiple hull breach deep-space engine flameout? A walk in the park.”

Far beyond a nine year old instinctively knowing how to pilot a Jet Engine Chariot AND a space fighter (I’m looking at you, Anakin), we see that Rey has indeed received some training in flying, and that she has been diligently training all her youth to be as damn good as she is when we finally catch up to her in TFA. This, in addition to her fighting skills honed from a need to survive, and a meditative self-awareness from growing up practically isolated, means that Rey is uniquely prepared in a way not unlike the younglings were prepared to fully embrace and use her force abilities- once she becomes aware of what they actually are.

Rey is not a Mary Sue. Her abilities did not come out of the blue, but were honed during her entire childhood in order to survive in the ruthless circumstances in which she found herself. Her skills at fighting, flying, and understanding of the force all have a precedent- and once the final piece of the puzzle in the form of recognition that what she’s felt her whole life is The Force, combined with the legacy and legend that comes from knowing the exploits of Luke, Leia and Han, then there is no reason to doubt why she takes to it so naturally. Ultimately, We know that the force not only enhances abilities, but guides their users in how to access them and use them.

[graceivers]

Review #39 - Before Hadley

Before Hadley Author: J. Nathan Genre: College, Contemporary Romance, Criminals, High School, Sports Rating: ★★★★ Recommendation: give it a shot; once was enough Summary: Caynan leads a wayward and dangerous lifestyle that all but demands no permanent relationships of any kind. Fortunately or unfortunately, he finds himself pretty attached to Hadley, a girl who truly challenges him and begins to become his everything. But with his past and present actions bound to break them apart one way or another, Caynan’s future, the one he wants with Hadley, is one he will have to fight for.

Female Lead: Hadley was a decent character. Somewhere on Goodreads I think I saw someone say that she was annoying, but I thought the character was pretty realistic given her age and the entire situation. Nathan really emphasized the whole ‘feisty’ thing, which I personally thought was more annoying from the author and less from the actual character. Like the world ‘feisty’ was used way too many times, even when it was her nickname. But that quality—strength and not giving in so easily to anyone—was what I liked best about Hadley. And it was consistent throughout the book. She made the guy work for her attention and care, for her forgiveness and trust. She rightfully cut things off when she was supposed to. Her conflicted feelings after Caynan/Conner reappeared in her life were warranted. I think Hadley did an excellent job handling everything that was thrown at her from the get-go. She kind of lost herself a bit after she had been burned, but that was to be expected. I think she asked all the right questions, said all the right things, and made the right decisions for the most part. Male Lead: From this point in the review forward, I’m going to refer to the male lead as Conner because that’s his real name. I will also take this moment to ponder just why Nathan chose such an… unorthodox alias for him to use for more than half of the book. Caynan? Seriously? What? I’m assuming that Nathan wanted to get creative with the spelling of Cainan? But even then, why this name? I don’t get it. Cainan means possessor or purchaser so says Google. This guy was most certainly not purchasing anything when he was going by that name.

Anywho, Conner was a very interesting character. Did I like what he was doing, stealing? No. Did I blame him? Not exactly given he was still under the guardianship and influence of his father. Did I think his feelings for Hadley were genuine? Yes. Did I think he deserved forgiveness? Yes. Did I think he deserved the ending he got in this book? No. I will get into that last part in the next section, but overall, I would say that Conner was in a super bad situation with little if any options and ultimately paid the price for his thievery. Hadley’s mother made an interesting point when she said, “He didn’t kill anyone. He made a mistake.” This is not to make light of his crimes, but the woman might have a point. Conner served his time and fully intended to right his life. There was that one point where he purposely provoked Hadley’s then boyfriend, Jake, so she would leave him for Conner, and I wasn’t fond of that for the exact reasons Hadley wasn’t. But overall, Conner did turn around his life and more or less redeemed himself. Plot & Writing: To be honest, I started reading Before Hadley and thought I wasn’t going to like it. But I pushed forth and actually found myself invested in the storyline and the characters. I mean, considering my rating above, the book wasn’t the best of the best, but I certainly came around to it. I thought Nathan did a good job of keeping the characters real and grounded, evoking the right kinds of emotions at the right time, pushing the characters for some self-reflection, as well as exploring the grander issue of love and trust and forgiveness as one.

I admit, a part of the reason I was skeptical at first was because the book opened and was set in high school for the good long first half of it all. I am no longer in my teen years, so I have sometimes purposely avoided reading things with stories and characters set in high school. Well, I mean, sometimes books with college students and even adults have characters acting like teenagers, but to have a lot of the storyline set actually in high school often creates a tone for me that screams immature and irrational. Fortunately, that was not the case with this book. Both Hadley and Conner acted very maturely given their respective circumstances. I also questioned at first why Nathan would set them in high school when I thought the story could have been transposed into a college setting without a problem, but I believe the decision to start out in high school was justified given some time skips and individual character development needs.

Speaking of time skips, wow, that three years later part surprised me. I honestly had no idea what to expect and how Nathan was going to handle the fallout and future reconciliation between Hadley and Conner. At one point, I briefly but genuinely thought that maybe they weren’t going to end up together. Alas, of course they did. But seriously, when I saw ‘Part Two’ pop up, my initial reaction was YIKES. From previous experience, a pointed section called part two usually isn’t a good sign. And there were certainly pros and cons of skipping three years from the time Conner was arrested and imprisoned to when he walked. Obviously, it made sense that we skipped those years since there was no interaction between the main leads, which was kind of the point of the story. Also, not much action can happen while he’s in prison, so, yes, I understand the reasoning behind this decision. However, I think when Nathan entirely skipped those three years, we lost some of the opportunity to show how much Conner had changed and what prison time had done to him. This was mostly revealed through his letters and subsequent explanations to Hadley, but I personally would’ve liked to seen at least little snippets from that time to bridge the big three year gap.

I won’t say too much about the whole love, trust, and forgiveness thing because I could probably write a whole essay on that, and that’s not what we’re here to read about. I will just say that Hadley was right when she told Conner to ask if she could forgive him over did she forgive him. And you could tell that resonated a lot with Conner, especially when he saw his father for the first time in years. Did I believe Hadley should take her time in forgiving Conner? Absolutely. Did I believe that she would get there? Yes. The best thing that Nathan did regarding this topic was to keep Hadley level-headed and honest by revealing that she could and wanted to and was getting there but not making it so instant that readers would recoil and grimace at a quick turnaround.

And now, let’s talk a bit about that ending. It was too neat for me. Again, did I believe that Conner deserved Hadley’s forgiveness and her love for that matter? Yes. But then we got this epilogue, and I was just like… too neat. Yes, I wanted a happy ever after for the couple, but I didn’t think it should’ve been as perfect as Nathan wrote. I love Conner realizing his one true dream is being with Hadley; I did not love Conner being an ex-con and getting everything he could ever imagine and being the first round draft pick for the major leagues. That out of just about everything in the book was the most unrealistic part to me. Conner deserves forgiveness. Conner, however, does not necessarily deserve this kind of epic turnaround. Or really, I’m just annoyed that things suddenly worked out so well for him because he’s an attractive and athletic male. I mean, what about Hadley? Doesn’t she deserve more of a happy ending and a great art career? Come on, now. The girl deserves way more than him. Secondary Characters & Plots: I actually found the secondary characters pretty bland. I mean, I liked that Hadley had girlfriends, but nothing about any of them stood out to me. Even when they were there for her, nothing about the other girls interested me. She had nice parents, though; I enjoyed that, Nathan showing the two different parenting styles in Hadley’s folks versus Conner’s dad.

Oh, and Jake, Hadley’s boyfriend before Conner came back into her life. Uh, he actually wasn’t that bad. Again, not around for a whole lot for me to get a true grip on his character, but I actually think he had all the right intentions. He said he was all in with Hadley even though he was missing some key information about her, but I don’t entirely blame him for that. Alas, of course his character was always going to be temporary.

The little baseball subplot. Eh… I was happy that Conner had a passion and something that he loved and was good at. But as I said above, the ending was too neat for me, and I don’t personally think that he should’ve gotten such a great opportunity in sports while Hadley’s art was put on the back burner. Favorite Part(s): Conner laying everything out on the line for Hadley. That moment when he was kind of giving up on Hadley and said he was going to leave her alone because he couldn’t do the chase anymore if she was never going to forgive him or give him anything, I thought that was so raw and genuine. And then Conner again telling Hadley how he wouldn’t stop if he was given the chance, how he was going to prove to her that he was the right guy for Hadley no matter how long it took. He told her he loved her; he told her all the reasons why he loved her. That was hands down the most touching and best part of the book. Final Thoughts: Don’t count this one out. Seriously, I went into this thinking one thing and finished the book thinking something entirely different. Before Hadley surprised me in a really good way. Despite the younger age and setting of the book, Nathan actually touched upon some deeper and more mature issues. The characters were pretty realistic, and I enjoyed the amount of growth we saw from them. So at least put Before Hadley on your to-read list, and maybe, eventually, if and when you get to it, you’ll see that the book is much more than just another YA/NA romance novel.