#and damn i feel that dumb comphet shit too

[quiveringdeer]

idk where it came from but I have this really specific headcanon of Annie being a lesbian and the first person she came out to was bertholdt like Annie is probably really distraught from all this confusion abt her sexuality and it’s the first time Bert has ever seen her cry and he’s trying his best to comfort her and kinda doing a bad job in some peoples opinion but Annie isn’t the best at crying or expressing her emotions so to her, it’s kinda comforting that Bert is also not really good at this as well and Annie just goes “you don’t understand bertholdt, I like girls!” And she says this like it’s a bad thing (comphet is a bitch) and bertholdt is just like “….I mean I like girls too?” And Annie laughs and yeah I just love them :')

NONNIE THUS IS BEAUTIMUS!!!!! 10000000/10! PHENOMENAL!!!

my brook is curled on my hand in a way that makes typing difficult but damn it I must add my thoughts!!!

Bertie has such a big heart and great empathy but is absolutely terrible at knowing how to express that all!! Even with people he does so with often like Rei or Pieck. So Annie coming to HIM with all this, has him spiraling trynna figure out how best to comfort her. Cause as you said, he's never so much as seen her cry before.

She's so overcome with emotions it's also hard for him to parse out what she's rambling about but he's rubbing her back--if she is okay with that. Then she blurts out that statement and!!!!

THAT IS EXACTLY HIS RESPONSE!!! IT'S PERFECT!!

My brain was lining him up to say something so similar too! I feel like even if Bert, in this moment, isn't super knowledgeable or knows anyone else with differing sexual identities, he's such a supportive person that of course he's gonna accept it!

I firmly believe that this is the case even if he happens to be harboring any type of crush or romantic feelings for her at the time. Bert is a good person and at the end of the day he's firstly, honored that Annie would feel safe enough to breakdown in front of him and share all this. And secondly, loves and cares for her in a way that wishes to hold up her happiness as the most important thing. So, whether she knew of his feelings or not ((we know she probably did cause he's only just mildly better at hiding things than Reiner, which isn't much lmao)) he's not gonna bring that up in any weird way then or in the future.

When she laughs at his lil joke offering, he relaxes and ends up fully hugging her. And you know he gives great hugs!! His chin rests on the top of her head and he gives her a firm squeeze. "I'm happy you're discovering more about yourself and felt comfortable enough to share with me. I'll always be one of your biggest supporters, Annie."

[jonathanbiers]

longtime reader first time anon! in regards to the "steve doesn't know what a bisexual is" thing, I'm honestly going back and forth about whether ANYONE in a small town in the mid-eighties would be super familar with the concept — as a bisexual myself I am wondering. researching it hasn't come up with much, because while we know bisexuality was definitely developing as its own movement in queer urban spaces, how much of that permeated middle america?

hi, first of all i’m??? so flattered that you’ve read my stuff and stuck around to read more but anyway, getting to the subject of the discussion,

i mean i live in a small town but it’s not the 80s anymore and i was not alive then, so my perspective is still limited. but it’s definitely feasible to me that he’d be aware of the concept of bisexuality, whether or not he had the vocabulary for it.

but correct me if i’m wrong, we have evidence of him having an idea of the concept of bisexuality in the show when he reassures robin that vickie could still be interested, even if she had a boyfriend? and that smile at the end of vol 2 when he sees them interacting. that’s a “go best friend” smile if i’ve ever seen one, he sees her hitting it off. he knows she has a chance, even after they saw her kissing a guy

and if that’s not enough, david bowie was huge at the time and also known for liking both. this would definitely be talked about in a small town like that, even if it’s just to be derogatory(which lets be real it would) which makes it very hard for me to believe he’s never been exposed to the concept even if he’s repressed his own feelings, which is basically what you’re talking about in the third ask. i hope you don’t mind me condensing them all into one post btw jajdhjdnf

also speaking of your third ask, i’ve lived that too!! this discussion is not about me but i wanted to throw it in there. and my experience is obviously different, but. i spent a good chunk of my self discovery journey identifying as a lesbian when i was, in fact, a transmasc dealing with comphet all along. i repressed the fuck out of my attraction to guys even when i didn’t yet realize i was one. that’s a very very real thing. even while doing things that were (for me) a very obvious sign of attraction. also, if you’re a longtime enough reader to have been around before i abandoned the multi chapter steddie fic that i just haven’t deleted yet, that’s pretty much where i was going to go with that just for the record. him realizing he felt the attraction all along and just repressed it because of (he wouldn’t know the vocabulary but) comphet. not some weird “what do you mean, both?” robin handfeeding him the dictionary definition of bisexual thing that happens way to often in fics to even be funny anymore

which brings me to your second ask. who decided that robin “trips and stutters around pretty girls” buckley and eddie “super super senior dnd nerd plays his guitar so much he learns master of puppets in a couple of weeks” munson are the experts on queer history and would be the ones to explain to poor little dumb baby steve that he’s attracted to both like he’s not a big boy with more emotional intelligence and depth than A LOT of main male characters out there, and who can figure shit out his damn self? please. robin is…robin, we love her, but she’s not giving me “goes to gay bars in indianapolis” vibes. who’s taking her to these, anyway? she can’t drive. she’s underage. definitely not giving me “has a fake id” vibes, either. try and convince me robin “or rather my mouth moves faster than my brain” buckley could get past a club bouncer. and eddie, bless his heart(affectionate), whether you’re a virgin eddie truther or not, is not some sex god who knows everything about being gay and swoops in to share this privileged knowledge with steve. those fanfics, while a fun fantasy at first, are something i’m sick and tired of seeing at this point. and yet the damage is seemingly done, the fandom has just come to that consensus at this point.

[cviperfan]

Okay so partially motivated by how many references there were in SPoP and largely bc it's been in my backlog for years and I remembered the whole thing got uploaded to youtube a while ago, I finally got around to watching Revolutionary Girl Utena for the first time so time for some hot takes

2 clarify I did see the movie about around 2000 which was my introduction to the series, and I did see like 1 episode back in anime club (over a decade ago now tbh) but for the most part I went into this with only a vague sense of the ending and offhand knowledge of a few of the weird comedy episodes so this was mostly a blind watch

Before getting into #spoilers I will say that this ended up being an easy Top 5 and that it's definitely still worth watching (fair warning for the very frequent rape and incest (and sometimes both)), especially if you've somehow also avoided most of the context of this show like me, and it really is one of the rare Nothing Else Like It kind of show (though it has roots in older shoujo like Rose of Versailles and modern stuff like Revue Starlight have picked up its lede)

Okay spoilers from here on

I really only kinda have vague memories of the more knightly take on Utena from the movie so Series!Utena having this powerful Dumb Jock Energy threw me

Like she's out here invoking the Air Bud Rule from minute one

This bit where Akio is going on about some Important Life Lesson thing and she's just fuckin

crab walking im

what a hero i love her

I have always kinda been more partial to shoujo than shounen bc the sense of like emotional urgency and the heightened exaggerated feelings are just more compelling to me narratively and what Utena does spectacularly is really drive that to fucking 11 and it permeates every aspect of the show

Like the melodrama of it all is so shameless and it's so committed to letting its visuals and music drive the mood and emotional intensity of its stakes that they kind of speak for themselves and demand to be taken on their own terms rather than having clear or rigid interpretations

Like it's kind of a situation of "yes most of what you're seeing ties into the show's bigger themes and characterization but also you can just vibe to the spectacle as well" like even when it's not on the Dueling Arena there's a theatricality underlying everything that pairs perfectly with the spirit of shoujo even as it... not necessarily contradicts it, but challenges it in some ways and also wants to coexist with it?

And I think that's the interesting thing how it wants to tackle some of these arch concepts tied into the genre while also being deeply intertwined with it.  Like it really is a Product Of Its Time in so many ways but it also feels somehow timeless and transgressive in others even now?

Like part of me would be interested to see a remake that took into account 23 years of conversation about how much perceptions of gender and sexuality have changed but at the same time would it lose some essential part of itself in that transition?  idk potentially

Also lbr a hypothetical remake wouldn't even attempt to revise anything it would just redo it thus making it pointless

So I know this has been a thing that's been brought up before but seeing it play out dang RGU and NGE really are just companion pieces to each other huh

Subverting the themes and narrative arcs of their respective genres, mysterious quiet girl who's directly the key to everything, the ritual of action setpieces rendered as Actual Ritual in the story, banger OP, comphet ruining everyone's lives

Also they really don't have much in common comparatively but I'm definitely seeing pieces of Utena in Kill la Kill too?  Particularly how Mako's arc feels like a fleshing out and expansion from the archetype divergence Wakaba got in that one ep (I can't believe klk was the utena/wakaba au fanfic)

Speaking of which damn he is a sleazy bastard and a gross predator but ngl Akio can Get It he and Ragyo are basically the same character and I guess this is just my type apparently???? oops

Like I'm recognizing how like really awful he is but also you really can't blame Utena for crushing on him he is super hot and charming

aside i lost it at the audacity of "well even tho i am a man like twice your age (AT LEAST) and took advantage of the situation and also i am clearly not the type to take no for an answer since you didn't reject me you're basically just as bad as me" bruh

The Black Rose Arc is... interesting bc like it borders on superfluous with how it resolves and yet the introduction of a "monster of the week" type power rangers element specifically built to expand on the secondary cast is a pretty inspired choice

again my primary point of introduction to the series was the movie which is basically a remix of the Student Council arc so when I got to 12 I was like wth are they gonna fill the rest of this with? WELP

What I really like about it is that usually this kind of setup-- the 'character is faced with their dark inner thoughts they shy away from and they become a short-term enemy' deal-- ends with the char in question coming to terms with this and overcoming it to become a better person

but here it's just like... they lose and then they just gotta... sit with that, forever.  Like it doesn't really change the status quo of their relationships w/ utena or the others but it does just stick around for them and now the audience knows that about them too.  like sometimes you just can't take that shit back.

Utena's relationship to queerness, having heard about it tangentially for years but seeing it play out now is also interesting bc while in the grand scheme it doesn't feel necessarily any more ahead of its time than something like Cardcaptor Sakura there is a casualness to it that's distinct

Like for the most part it's either kind of the tangential fluff that even then was part of shoujo as a standard but then there's also stuff like the Akio/Touga or Touga/Saionji hinting or Kozue's casual pass at Anthy in addition to the maintext Juri/Shiori push-pull and ofc the subtext-but-maintext Utena/Anthy threads

I wanna take a moment to talk about Juri bc of how kind of in the spirit of the show itself it plays things both with and against the grain with her

Like she's a Tragic Lesbian which is nothing new but usually this character type (and Distinctively Lesbian characters in general) in anime/manga tend to be portrayed as being very predatory, invasive and either played for laughs or to repulse the audience, so the degree of empathy RGU shows her in 97 is rare to see even now.  

Like there is a "safeness" to her bc of how unattainable Shiori is (though their arc ends in a decidedly ambiguious way), but it doesn't really feel like she's getting the short end of the stick over the more straight-leaning characters bc arguably all of the relationships here are defined by an aspect of chasing the unattainable, echoing Utena's own quixotic search for her Prince, and her choosing to remain closeted feels realistic *especially because* of the surrounding context of how heteronormative the world she exists in is.  Like the character is aware of that and is navigating it in a way that feels honest

Speaking of which it's interesting how the reveal of Juri's pining for Shiori in Ep 7 echoes the bigger reveal of Utena/Anthy bc of how it plays up this heterocentric love triangle or at least it seems to be but then the cards are on the table and no that's really not what it is at all, and it feels significant that after spending most of the series naively oblivious to Juri’s feelings and what she wants out of a relationship with Shiori that Utena finally Gets It in Ep 37

Is it a coincidence Juri actually gets to be the one to point it out? No

Speaking of triangles big ups to the Ruka/Juri/Shiori one honestly bc of how hard it commits to the unknown third result of a LT where absolutely no one comes out happy and it actually works even with the handicap of Ruka basically coming out of nowhere just for these two episodes

Like all three of them want the one person who's absolutely never gonna love them back and that's just rough buddy and isn't that kinda the show in a nutshell

So the thing that struck me about Utena/Anthy and how it plays out is how subtle it really is.  And that does make sense bc while f/f teasing/subtext again was part of shoujo before it's quite a different thing for the heroine to ultimately reject her 2 male love interests and choose a life with her female best friend, esp in nineteen ninety seven

Like I think you can argue that Ep 12 feels like The Moment where What Their Relationship Is, Definitely shifts and that possibility is suddenly there, and then it doesn't come back in a big way until the ending but there are tiny glimpses throughout where you can see that working in the background if you’re really paying attention

Small things like Anthy's flashes of unspoken jealousy, Utena fretting over her even when she's in bed with Akio, and part of that is coming from going in with a knowledge of what the endgame is and keeping an eye out for it.  I can hardly imagine being a viewer during the og broadcast and then ep 34 comes and suddenly the intent is made clear and our understanding of the inciting incident gets all flipped turned upside down

And to a modern viewer I can get coming into this for the first time and being frustrated at just how close to the chest it gets played, but that's also kind of the only way it gets to happen at that point in time?  But I think it ultimately is effective and vital to their individual arcs and dovetails nicely with the themes of the show

Like I remember hearing that original manga creator Chiho Saito was pretty against their paired ending, but with a lot of convincing from Ikuhara ultimately came around to it, and it's hard to imagine the anime's ending working any other way and being nearly as impactful

And there is something really beautiful about the bucking against the established idea of yuri relationships being a childish concept that gets left behind in order to 'grow up' actually becoming the impetus of their own journeys into adulthood and eventually back to each other, and it’s hard not to feel a little disappointed that for this Bold Step and declaration for the future that RGU takes that while yuri is more common than ever it largely continues to exist within the realm of schoolgirls and something to be left behind in adolescence like for RGU’s faults and shortcomings it saw this world of possibility in moving forward, while the genre largely elected to stand still

And it really speaks to either the timelessness of the show or how much the queer experience has remained constant that even with a tragic ending, that hope, or rather the promise of their reunion, feels bold and defiant and genuinely uplifting even now

Like the moment where just before they reach out to each other one final time, and their voices as children speak out to each other, as if finally fulfilling a promise they barely remember, I really did just start ugly crying

Lastly some assorted closing thoughts--

-Touga?  Punk.  Guy really takes advantage of Utena's whole prince thing to manipulate her, ends up losing to her in the rematch and then fucks off to mope for like AN ENTIRE SEASON then pops back up "oh yea im in love with her literally nothing else about my behavior has changed tho" like lmao you tried i guess

-Also i know Touga's design is p stock standard bishounen ojou-sama type but god this is all i can think about when I see him

- Green Touga Saionji is a bitch-ass motherfucker but like he at least tried more than anyone else so uh that's something I guess?????

Like the guy clearly has some unresolved feelings about Touga so i'm inclined to be sympathetic bc wow poor choice my dude but also... bitch-ass motherfucker

-Nanami really went through this thing for me where it's like... she's a brat and a shitty person but it's also hard to really dislike her bc she does get what she deserves most of the time and also she gets kinkshamed more than most of the cast despite none of them really having a high ground over her lol

-Miki did nothing wrong (aside from like the implied incest but that's also like... half the relationships in this show uh)

sidenote I can completely see the notable excess of Incest Subtext/Maintext being intended as like... A Thing to comment on how common it is within shoujo and also tying in to like the bigger themes of Growing Up bc the idea that you’re chasing after your own damn siblings betrays some freudian inability to mature or whatever but tbqh it doesn’t always feel like the show knows the line between commenting on this and indulging in it and RGU is very indulgent by its own nature so I really can’t blame people put off by the show as a whole bc this is an area where RGU is largely indistinguishable from its genre peers

-Juri really did nothing wrong tho also props for having the best duels

-FUCK SHIORI THO for eel 

so obviously i have not seen the show up to now but I've been in yuri circles for a long time so I knew about Juri/Shiori and my perception of it had always been "oh it's one of those kinda messy with complicated feelings" kinda ships where the drama is a big part of the appeal and that's true but like

the actual nature of it I did not realize up to now and OH SHIORI'S REALLY THAT BITCH HUH

So not only does she date that one anonymous guy specifically to spite Juri unaware she doesn't actually like him BUT THEN WHEN THEY GET REUNITED SHE'S JUST LIKE LOL IT DIDNT MATTER BUT HEY WE COOL RIGHT *AND THEN* when she finds out about Juri's feelings she's like HELL YEA I CAN HANG THIS OVER HER HEAD FOREVER FUCK HER

***AND THEN*** when she gets some karma after Ruka dumps her ass she airs her dirty laundry out in front of EVERYBODY like Juri hasn't been dealing with this shit like an absolute champ the whole time like?????

Like ok i get that there's the sad longing drama there and usually that's my jam and the show itself seems to end on kind of an ambiguous note and the follow-up manga from this year seems to leave it as kind of a "maybe" but I'm sorry get Juri a better GF 2020 she deserves better

I saw some Juri/Wakaba going through the tumblr tag for the show and honestly that's some big brain shit I'm here for it

Also now knowing exactly how this dynamic operates it really makes that Jasper/Lapis reference pic one of the SU crew drew of them read very.... interestingly???????? (tho Lapis' design reads a lot closer to Kozue and that's probably a closer personality analogue too)

-I love that thing in ep 37 where the whole SC is just very casually like hey utena if the whole revolutionizing the world thing with anthy doesn't work out uhhh call me im free haha just kidding unless...? lmao

-I'm pretty uninclined to try to pin precise sexuality HCs to characters for series this old where the ambiguity is part of how its danced around like partly coming from my own experience I'm inclined to read Utena as bi but that really is just coming from me?

But on the other hand literally every time a guy is like "i love you utena come be happy with me and we can love each other forever" she's like "k" after having left them on read for a day and disconnects from them entirely so lesbian going through comphet is a pretty valid read i think lol

-Lastly I think it’s pretty interesting but validly frustrating how fast and loose the show’s relationship with dream logic and non-traditional storytelling really is like when the shadow girls show up I was like “oh this is a greek chorus thing and it’s meant to reflect on the themes of the episode” (or uh in the case of exactly Ep 29 to break from tradition and explicitly tell us what a characters deal is lmao) but then no actually turns out they’re actually real characters who exist within the show too fuck you

ANYWAY I really did love this show and felt like I got a lot out of it despite it being pretty infamously hard to decipher but the ways it's inscrutable appeal to me specifically so very happy with this I'm gonna be thinking about it for a while

[lessjuli]

hey.

haven’t used this blog in a fat minute. but i feel shitty. so here’s a rant post where no one can see it. 

current favorite songs: my r, hikaru station’s english cover; shelter, but this one specific nightcore version; another nightcore, this one of a cover of peace sign. i feel like maybe everything will be okay when i listen to them.

i started cutting again, more severely, because i don’t know any other way to cope.

it seriously helps so much, but i’m still driving myself crazy. 

i can’t focus or work on anything until the last minute. i feel like i can’t remember anything, and i’m always spacing out. it’s better than paying attention -- every second feels so boring and colorless.

my intrusive thoughts, especially regarding my sexuality, are maybe as bad as or worse than they’ve ever been. it’s like i can’t act like a normal human because i need to be something perfect and consumable. 

with it being pride month, there’s aphobia everywhere, which doesn’t exactly make it easy to think about the very significant probability that i’m aroace and have been all along (comphet or whatever the new term is). gender sucks too. its like i have to re-realize it’s okay for me to be nonbinary and aromatic and asexual, because i forgot or something. i gave in to societal pressure and wiped those things from my mind. 

now that i see again how intrinsic they are to me just existing comfortably, i have to go through the whole struggle of id’ing that way again. i can’t just slap the label on myself - i have to really think it through and make sure. and then think it through again, just in case. and again. and again. every day, i have to reaffirm my identity, because i feel as if i’m never really sure, even when i do have a solid label. 

i don’t want to be fluxsexual or aceflux or whatever. i don’t want to just be “me,” at least not when it comes to sexuality. 

when it comes to gender, that’s all i want. i like curling my hair and wearing eyeliner, but i don’t feel like myself when i do it. i feel like i’m pretending. 

until i wrote this out, i didn’t even realize how much this was affecting me. and that’s glossing over how much it stresses me out that i’m perceived as a straight girl. i mean, i guess that’s not the stressful part. it’s wrong, but not intrinsically anxiety-inducing. 

what’s stressful is what everyone expects from me based on it. i have to be cute. when i remark on a boy, i like him. when i have male friends, i like them - romantically, i mean. sexually (god, NO!). i’m supposed to be okay with getting hit on in a sexual manner, thinking about sex, thinking about romance -- i’m supposed to have had my first kiss, right? i’m sixteen. but somehow, that doesn’t sound good or appealing, at least not in real life. it sounds gross and unsanitary and uncomfortable and i can’t stop worrying about it. 

i want people to stop teasing me. i want my parents to stop acting like having guy friends means im about to get married. even fucking snapchat -- that smug little heart. i know it just means we talk a lot, but it feels like they’re rubbing it in. if you’re like this -- you, a GIRL, with a BOY, you’re supposed to be dating. 

god. 

i didn’t even think i was upset over it.

i thought i might really just be a straight girl.

do i have to be that way? even if it’s so uncomfortable for me? do i have to be that way? even if it feels wrong? do i have to be what everyone wants of me? do i have to be the default? statistically, it’s likely. 

well, FUCK statistics then.

thanks, confident voice in my head. you couldn’t have spoken up before now? like, ever?

wow, that was emo. even this is cringey. like putting an author’s note in the middle of a fic. MOVING ON. 

school stresses me out -- although maybe it was mostly that stuff and i just didn’t realize the impact it had on me. all these big tests and assignments -- i can’t find the motivation or the focus to start them until the last second. in fact, i’m procrastinating right now. impressive.

still, i feel i have to do perfectly. if i get anything less than a 4.0, i know i’ll regret it, but it’s so fucking hard. it’s been getting harder and harder, but this is genuinely so difficult that i want to give up.

i still worry all the time about how people see me. i feel ugly in skirts and fat in jeans and lazy in leggings. dresses mean i’m trying too hard. sweatshirts mean i’m not trying hard enough. t-shirts don’t flatter me, nor sweaters, nor crop tops, nor blouses, nor jackets, nor long sleeve shirts. actually, maybe i’m just ugly. 

speaking of, i can’t tell if makeup helps my features or if it makes me look worse. i’m obviously not particularly good at it. i feel like it makes my face look unbalanced -- not that i’d leave the house without it. i don’t even want to take it off when i sleep, because i feel that it changes my face so much. i hate living without eyebrows lol

i wish i had the self control to not eat so god damn much. i regret bragging about how little i eat. it feels like such a fucking lie. i hate myself for eating, so i swear to starve myself. then i give in and eat just a little. “for my metabolism,” you know? then i keep eating. “this is dinner.” then i give in and stuff my face, because coping. this is why i’m disproportionate and chubby. i feel like people don’t recognize me, i’m so much fatter. 

why couldn’t i have genetics like those twiggy girls who eat whatever and still have flat stomachs and little thighs and no boobs? that sounds pretty awesome to me. i’d never complain.

i feel like my life doesn’t have a purpose. everything seems pointless. what am i going to school for? to go to college. what am i going to college for? to get a good job. okay, well, this is already looking like a crock of shit. i’ll bite, though. why do i need a job? well, to make money, so you don’t die. but you won’t necessarily be able to get one. if you even do, you’ll hate it even more than you hate school. and since you went to school, you’ll never have enough money to do anything worthwhile, because DEBT, bitches. then you get marrie-- oh, wait. sorry. i guess not. no spouse, no kids, no pets. maybe a plant. then you die, never having done anything worthwhile or fulfilling or joy-inducing. 

all happiness is fleeting. contentment is a lie.

yeah. there you go being emo again, you dumb bitch.

lately, when i can’t fall asleep, i desperately wish for a hug. but in my day to day life, i’ve started flinching again when people touch me without a warning. i wonder what that says.