#and create an overwhelming sense of discomfort within my household!!!

[ziekkfreak2-0]

Dear parents/parental figures,

Please stop recommending I use ChatGPT while I have a breakdown about my academic performance. I don't need to be reminded that my tuition is paid by blood anymore than I already do.

Thank you!

Sincerely,

Your artist-writer daughter.

[fedgovwhistleblower]

Global Alert: Hydrogen Peroxide, Humidifier and Water mixed 50 Percent used indoors will "Kill Covid 19". Fact that will save your "Life, Family and Friends". US President's, Vice and Congressman attack my integrity for attempting to save lives globally. Unbelievable, Honorable Discharged US Army Sgt not afraid to "Stand and Tell Truth's". Oath to "GOD" matters.

Hydrogen peroxide nebulizer are humidifier to treat Covid-19 infection The following is from Thomas Levy, M.D, J.D., a board certified cardiolosit and a prolific medical writer of 13 books and a international speaker.  Thomas is a good friend of mine and I trust him.  Dr. Frank Shallenberger is also an internationally well known doctor whom I trust as well.  Although I have not personally tested this, I will recommend to you just in case you need it.  This method makes scientific sense and is safe, most definitely worth trying, especially now at this global covid-19 crisis. -Richard Cheng, M.D., Ph.D.An At-Home Treatment That Can Cure Any Virus, Including CoronavirusOriginally Conceptualized, circa 1990, by Charles Farr, MD Subsequently Researched and Prescribed by Frank Shallenberger, MD Current Protocol Created by Thomas Levy, MD, JDAlthough COVID-19, aka coronavirus, is deadly in some select cases, and it can spread rapidly, there is a simple, very inexpensive, and highly effective treatment that can treat and rapidly resolve coronavirus and virtually any other respiratory virus. While different individuals can be expected to have variable degrees of positive response, this intervention can be anticipated to eliminate eventual fatal disease outcomes in all but the most advanced cases.

As I hope you will eventually experience, the treatment works for all acute viral infections, and especially well for flu viruses of any variety. In fact, although we are constantly conditioned to not believe in anything “too good to be true,” you will never have to worry about getting a cold or the flu again because you can cure it on your own.The key ingredient in this treatment is common household 3% hydrogen peroxide, and this is the same substance that can be purchased in a 32-ounce plastic bottle at Walmart, for 88 cents, or at Walgreens for under a $1.00. Perhaps you have never heard of hydrogen peroxide therapy, but since the treatment was first championed by Dr. Charles Farr in about 1990, thousands of doctors have used this therapy for decades to conquer infections in many thousands of patients throughout the world.

How and Why Hydrogen Peroxide WorksBecause hydrogen peroxide consists of a water molecule (H2O) with an extra oxygen atom (H2O2), it is this extra oxygen atom that makes it so deadly for viruses. In order to comprehend why H2O2 therapy works so well, you must first understand that viral infections are eradicated from the body not by killing the virus itself, but rather by killing the cells that produce them.Technically, viruses are not alive, and so it is not possible to kill them. But some agents can physically break down the viral structure and render them inactive. Viruses are actually pieces of genetic code that, in and of themselves, can neither survive nor reproduce. Therefore, in order to replicate, viruses need to infect cells, which means that in the interior of cell, a virus uses the cell’s own DNA and RNA in order to effectively reproduce. Essentially, therefore, the virus controls an infected cell and uses the cell to manufacture new viruses. Then, the new virus can exit the cell and proceed to infect other cells. As a result, the way to control any viral infection is not to kill the virus; rather, the infected cells that have been turned into viral factories must be killed.

This is the role of the extra oxygen atom in hydrogen peroxide.Under normal circumstances with a healthy immune system, one’s immune cells produce their own hydrogen peroxide to kill the infected cells that propagate viruses. When one’s immune cells are overwhelmed, such as the case with COVID-19, hydrogen peroxide therapy merely assists the immune cells in doing the job for which they were originally created.One Disadvantage of Dr. Farr’s Original H2O2 TherapyFrom a patient and consumer perspective, the single main drawback to Dr. Farr’s original therapy is/was that it is primarily an intravenous (IV) therapy. Under most circumstances, this means that you must either administer the IV needle yourself or depend upon another person to assist you. Unfortunately, this is beyond the logistical (and perhaps financial) capacity of most people, and it may be one reason why the original hydrogen peroxide therapy is not more widespread.

Nevertheless, it should be realized that the proper intravenous application of hydrogen peroxide exerts a powerful anti-viral and general anti-pathogen effect.Dr. Shallenberger’s Ingenious Use of a NebulizerThe great news is that there is a safe and simple way to avoid doctors and IV needles. This method developed by Dr. Frank Shallenberger is almost as effective as IV, can be performed at home, and is much less costly than IV.The treatment is known as nebulized hydrogen peroxide, and Dr. Shallenberger began using the technique some years ago when he had a patient who was taking asthma medication that her doctor had been administering in a nebulizer.

For those who are unfamiliar, a nebulizer is a device that is able to convert a liquid into tiny, microscopic bubbles. As a result, these extremely small bubbles, which appear as smoke escaping from the nebulizer, can be inhaled into the deepest regions of the lungs without any discomfort or irritation. Such a device has long been utilized for asthmatics to get medication to open their lungs, but Shallenberger further noticed that nebulizers have a systemic effect, which is delivery far beyond the lungs only. According to one of Dr. Shallenberger’s patients, the inhalation of her prescribed drug in the nebulizer was “unbelievably strong,” and “affected her entire body.”What Was Taking PlaceIt turns out that the tiny bubbles were not only providing medication to the patient’s lungs, but the drug was being delivered to her entire body through her lungs.

Based on Dr. Farr’s prior research, Shallenberger reasoned that perhaps H2O2 could be delivered to the entire body with a nebulizer. Dr. Shallenberger tried the nebulizer delivery system on himself, and he was delighted to discover that the treatment was extremely easy to administer, very comfortable like breathing extremely pure air, and the treatment was in no way irritating. Shallenberger’s first actually ill test subject was his wife who had developed the initial symptoms of flu. She immediately began 10-minute treatments every waking hour, and within 72 hours, (three days), the flu was fully cured. Shallenberger was predictably amazed in that even IV hydrogen peroxide cannot resolve flu in much less time.

Since Mrs. Shallenberger’s rapid recovery, Dr. Shallenberger has treated hundreds of cases of colds, flus, sinusitis, and bronchitis all with the same results. Indeed, Shallenberger has discovered that nebulizer treatments actually have an advantage over the IV therapy. Not only is the hydrogen peroxide disseminated into the entire body through the lungs, it is also going directly to the areas of the body that are most affected by viruses: the sinuses, throat, bronchial tract, and lungs. This is especially important since colds and flu viruses replicate to very high titers in these areas, serving to supply a continuous feed of virus to the rest of the body.

Effective hydrogen peroxide nebulization quite literally, “chops the head off of the snake,” and the virus present elsewhere in the body can then readily be mopped up when the new virus influx has been terminated.It should be kept in mind that hydrogen peroxide kills all pathogens very readily upon contact in an open wound. It should, therefore, be understandable why putting a fine mist of hydrogen peroxide in all the areas of maximal viral replication promptly puts the body on a pathway to rapid healing. Dr. Levy’s Simple, Inexpensive, and Extremely Effective H2O2 ProtocolEarly Onset and Treatment of VirusRegular off-the shelf 3% hydrogen peroxide can be utilized. Preparations of greater pharmacological purity can be obtained if desired.For most adults, the 3% concentration can be utilized in the nebulization chamber undiluted. This optimizes the degree and rapidity of anti-viral and anti-pathogen effect.When a runny nose or slightly sore throat is already present, it is recommended that 10-to 15-minute nebulization sessions be undertaken roughly four times daily or until a symptomatic relief is realized.

Many individuals report significant improvement only a few hours after the first one or two treatments. But it would be advisable to persist in these treatments several times daily for at least 24 to 48 hours after you feel everything is completely normal in your sinuses, nose, and throat.For some, the 3% concentration results in too much stinging/burning in the nose. Such individuals can dilute with water until they find their highest tolerable concentration. Nearly everybody can tolerate a 50/50 combination of the 3% hydrogen peroxide and water. However, still lower concentrations can be utilized with clearly beneficial effect.Prevention/MaintenanceAs it is a completely non-toxic therapy, nebulization can be administered as often as desired.

If done on a daily basis at least once, a very positive impact on bowel and gut function will often be realized as killing the chronic pathogen colonization present in most noses and throats stops the 24/7 swallowing of these pathogens and their associated toxins.If daily prevention is not a practical option, the effectiveness of this treatment is optimized when somebody sneezes in your face or you finally get off of the plane after a trans-Atlantic flight. Don’t wait for initial symptoms. Just nebulize at your first opportunity.

Final Note: This fact and protocol sheet does not contain a copyright, and a patent has not been applied for. Therefore, I encourage the reader to disseminate the contents far and wide to as many people as possible. Because you now have a simple, inexpensive, and effective way to conquer virtually all viral infections, you do not have to live in fear of COVID-19 or any other pandemic. "Please share as a Public Safety Alert" step 1. mix water and hydrogen peroxide 50/50 percent step 2. Pour mixture into a humidifier step 3. Turn humidifier on and breath in mist being released in any room in your home. Try to do this every day, be well. Hope this helps everyone, friend always. mlh.

Yours in good health,Thomas E. Levy, MD, JD www.PeakEnergy.com March 18, 2020

[bestfriendforhire]

Children of BFFH, Entry 110

 When the other kids took turns hugging me, I hugged them back, even the vampire and wereravens.  They were all impressive and worthy of respect.  Layla and Rona seemed to be the least well-trained of them, which made sense.  The two only started training with these kids recently.  Yet Layla’s natural magic was incredibly potent, and I didn’t know of a defense against it.  Rona was obviously very young and out of her league, but she did seem strong for a wereraven, at least one who had to be a few years younger than me.

 What surprised me the most was how I didn’t really want to leave.  My time here had flown by in the blink of an eye.  Yes, I had been busy, far busier than I typically was at home, but I didn’t think that alone was enough to make the time pass so quickly.  As terrifying as these kids could be, they were fun… and kind.

 Last night, I had seen what a fight between Death’s daughter and Death’s granddaughter was like, and I had felt more mortal than ever before in my life.  Their movements were too fast for me to follow.  Their spells released in such rapid succession that I hadn’t even realized one was used until its effects could be seen, and their natural magic alone could kill me in an instant without them showing even a little strain.  Even after they finished, long after I had been taken somewhere to sit for a while, neither of them showed signs of injury or exhaustion.  Only this morning, I found out that the yard was perfectly repaired, despite being devastated by their battle.

 Yet when I was overwhelmed, the other kids took me away and comforted me, never showing the last bit of scorn at my weakness.  They didn’t mock me, commiserating instead over how intense watching that fight had been without seeming shaken themselves at all.  I was brought sweets from their private stores, and Aid had made me a rather marvelous glass of tea, though he wouldn’t tell me the name of it, saying I couldn’t get any elsewhere in the world.  I could only guess that Emma had made it, being the most famous gardener to ever come from my family.  Normal gardeners couldn’t create new plants as she supposedly could.

 At this point, even the farfetched sounding tales of this place seemed plausible.  I had read all accounts available to me before coming here and wasn’t remotely prepared.  Of course, there had been far less information on the kids, and none of them showed their full power while on vacation.  I had a hunch that I still hadn’t seen the extent of their abilities last night.  Nothing Crazy or Messy had done left a perfectly box-shaped perimeter around them, so they were obviously protecting us from themselves.

 “Getting to know you all this weekend was wonderful, and I do hope to have the opportunity again.  Thank you for your hospitality.” I told them, curtsying and nodding to James and Alma, who stood several meters behind the kids, watching and smiling.

 “Thank you for visiting.” replied Four, speaking for everyone.  “We’ll see you again.”

 With that, I headed out of the mansion to where Mila waited by the open door of a limousine, having already packed my luggage.

 Once I was inside, she asked “Did you have fun?”

 “Yes, I did.” I quickly assured her.

 “Sorry if my daughter discomforted you.” apologized Mila.  She tends to show off a bit much, which can be a little overwhelming for most people.”

 A little…  I nearly laughed at the idea of seeing Crazy in action as being “a little” overwhelming.  She had earned her nickname in my mind.  Instead of saying as much, I said, “Your little sister is equally overwhelming, though obviously less prone to showing off.”

 Mila laughed, seeming all the more human for it.  “Mariasha is very sweet.  My daughter was likely trying to take advantage of Mariasha not being at her best last night.  Puberty plays havoc with fey-based magic, so my sister is constantly doing her best not to obliterate anyone or anything around her.  I doubt you noticed, since she fixed things immediately, but she had destroyed part of a wall, a floor, and a fair chunk of the yard just this weekend.  Unfortunately for my sister, my daughter always notices and teases her about it.  I worry that when Serenity reaches that age, she’ll scare anyone who meets her half to death.”

 The idea of Crazy’s magic occasionally going out of control was terrifying.

 “You didn’t get to see it, but she can manipulate anything that contains plant matter.  Food in a person’s stomach isn’t beyond her reach.  Neither is clothing made from cotton.  Wooden walls and flooring will obviously be in danger as well.  I tell you all of this, so you’ll understand that I do have my reasons if I suggest you postpone a visit in a few years.” she explained, sounding perfectly relaxed about the idea.

 Even if I skipped eating all fruits and vegetables and wore only synthetic clothing, I wouldn’t feel comfortable if Crazy’s control was slipping.  “How far can her magic reach?” I asked worriedly.

 Mila glanced back at me in the mirror as she said, “As far as she can sense, which is constantly growing.  I’m glad you can see the dilemma.  Luckily, we have Raine to help deal with any issues that arise, though I’m still tempted to convince my daughter to stay in one of Valeria’s rooms for a year.”

 As we continued to chat, I struggled to keep the idea of those dark, thorny plants growing from within my stomach out of my head.  The idea bothered me so much that I didn’t even realize when we had reached the airport, which was startling.  Airplanes were very noticeable to my senses.

 I did my best to study again on my flight home, but my mind continually wandered over the things I had seen this weekend.  Father had been quite right to treat James with the utmost respect.  Not only had James beaten my father with a single spell once pushed to it, but he had been holding back the entire fight.  The man had to be the most powerful being on the planet to keep such a household in control.  Of course, Death serving him was more than a little hint at that.

 To my astonishment, my father was at our private airstrip when I landed.  “Marisha, welcome home!” he told me, opening his arms to hug me.

 For once, I didn’t feel like he was treating me like a little girl.  I welcomed the embrace and even held onto him for several seconds after he had released me.

 “How was your trip?” he asked, watching me.

 “Informative.  Apparently Messy… er... Mariasha Sypher has her eyes on James IV.  James III and Alma suggested that I pursue Aid… I mean Aiden... instead if I’m going to make a stronger alliance between our families.” I told him, embarrassed of the slips.

 He nodded, already walking toward our car.  “That would be most agreeable if you manage to earn his affection.” he replied, not sounding surprised.

 “He’d probably take over.  Aiden is very skilled at taking charge when his brother isn’t around.” I added, which caught my father’s interest.

 “Found him impressive?” he asked.

 “Oh, Father… they’re all impressive.” I assured him.  Once in the car, I started telling him the details of what I had seen, watching as my father’s expression grew more and more serious.

 “If they’ve shown you this much, I promise they have much more we haven’t seen.  See now why I worry more about keeping James’ goodwill than even our cousins?” he asked, watching me.

 “Yes, Father.” I replied immediately.  Then I explained what I had learned from studying the plans more thoroughly on the trip, actually earning a smile from him.

 “You have a good head on your shoulder, my sunshine.” he told me.  “Always make sure you use it.”

 We continued talking of Somerset Estate all the way home, and I was quite happy to see my home again.  As I walked through the hall, following my father toward his office, I noticed how there were thin layers of dust here and there.  I hadn’t seen a hint of dust anywhere within Somerset Estate.  Our home had blemishes from countless years of intense use.  These halls had seen children such as myself roughhousing, actual fighting, and countless footsteps.  Somerset Estate had looked immaculate as if every last part of it was brand new, which I knew wasn’t true.  The estate was old when James bought it, before he renamed it.

 “If we end up hosting any of them, we will really have to step up our game.” I commented, imagining them strolling down the halls.

 “What’s wrong, sunshine?  You shuddered.” pointed out Father, though he had barely glanced at me.

 “Sorry.  I was just picturing Serenity Wilson visiting us.” I replied before explaining what Mila had told me.

 “That…” started Father, looking more than a little uncomfortable as he stopped to think.  “Yes, we shall hope that we never have to play host to her, though…”  He sighed, still thinking.  “We want her as our friend too, yes?” he asked, managing to smile at me again.

 I nodded.  “Yes, Father.  We want them all as our friends.”

[whorchataaa]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

from https://ift.tt/2N5vlAl Check out https://peterlegyel.wordpress.com/

[ashley-unicorn]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

from https://ift.tt/2N5vlAl Check out https://daniejadkins.wordpress.com/

[brentrogers]

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects

When the lockdown protocols were enforced earlier this year, our freedom, routine and responsibilities within households were disrupted. Along with this, increased uncertainty, financial stress and burden of care have lowered our window of tolerance. For many, it has opened old wounds and led to persistent conflict at home. Children are forced to experience strained family interactions, day in and day out, without the solace of distraction and distance. 

There is a great degree of variability in how interactions and behaviors occur within homes, and the pattern of these interactions form the core of our family dynamic (Harkonen, 2017). Families have a unique set of dynamics that affect the way each member thinks and relates to themselves, others and the world around them. Several factors including the nature of parent’s relationship, personality of family members, events (divorce, death, unemployment), culture and ethnicity (including beliefs about gender roles), influence these dynamics. The list is endless, and it is no surprise that growing up in an open, supportive environment is the exception, rather than the norm. 

It’s important to disclaim that the idea of a perfect parent/family is a myth. Parents are human, flawed and experiencing their own concerns. Most children can deal with an occasional angry outburst, as long as there is love and understanding to counter it. In “functional” families, parents strive to create an environment in which everyone feels safe, heard, loved and respected. Households are often characterized by low conflict, high levels of support and open communication (Shaw, 2014). This helps children navigate physical, emotional and social difficulties when they are young, and has lasting impacts as they transition into adulthood.

Alternatively, growing up in a dysfunctional family can leave children emotionally scarred, and affect them throughout their lives. Hurtful family environments may include the following (Hall, 2017):

Aggression: Behaviors typified by belittlement, domination, lies and control.

Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

Neglect: No attention paid to another and discomfort around family members.

Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

For children, families constitute their entire reality. When they are young, parents are godlike; without them they would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing they will be unable to survive alone. Children are forced to accommodate and enable chaotic, unstable/unpredictable and unhealthy behaviors of parents (Nelson, 2019).

Unfortunately, children don’t have the sophistication to understand and verbalize their experiences, discriminate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors and make sense of it all. They may interpret the situation to fit the belief of normalcy, further perpetuating the dysfunction (e.g., “No, I wasn’t beaten. I was just spanked” or “My father isn’t violent; it’s just his way”). They may even accept responsibility for violence, to fit their reality. The more they do this, the greater is their likelihood of misinterpreting themselves and developing negative self-concepts (e.g., “I had it coming. I was not a good kid”). 

During their younger years, children form certain beliefs and carry them, unchallenged, into adulthood. These beliefs are influenced by their parents’ actions and statements and are often internalized, for instance, “children should respect their parents no matter what,” “it’s my way or no way” or “children should be seen, not heard.” This forms the soil from which toxic behavior grows and may be communicated directly or disguised as words of advice, expressed in terms of “shoulds”, “oughts” and “supposed tos.”

Spoken beliefs are tangible but can be wrestled with. For instance, a parental belief that divorce is wrong, might keep a daughter in a loveless marriage, however, this can be challenged. Unspoken beliefs are more complicated; they exist below our level of awareness and dictate basic assumptions of life (Gowman, 2018). They may be implied by childhood experiences, for example, how your father treated your mother or how they treated you, encouraging you to believe ideas such as “women are inferior to men” or “children should sacrifice themselves for their parents.”

As with beliefs there are unspoken rules, pulling invisible strings and demanding blind obedience, e.g., “don’t lead your own life,” “don’t be more successful than your father,” “don’t be happier than your mother” or “don’t abandon me.” Loyalty to our family binds us to these beliefs and rules. There may be a marked gap between parents’ expectations/demands and what children want for themselves. Unfortunately, our unconscious pressure to obey almost always overshadows our conscious needs and desires, and leads to self-destructive and defeating behaviors (Forward, 1989).

There is variability in dysfunctional familial interactions — and in the kinds, severity and regularity of their dysfunction. Children may experience the following: 

Being forced to take sides during parental conflict.

Experiencing “reality shifting” (what is said contradicts what is happening).

Being criticized or ignored for their feelings and thoughts.

Having parents who are inappropriately intrusive/involved or distant/uninvolved.

Having excessive demands placed on their time, friends or behaviors — or, conversely, receive no guidelines or structure.

Experiencing rejection or preferential treatment.

Being encouraged to use alcohol/drugs.

Being physically beating.

Abuse and neglect affect the child’s ability to trust the world, others and themselves. Additionally, they grow up without a frame of reference for what is normal and healthy. They may develop traits that they struggle with throughout their adult lives, and the effects are many. They may not know how to live without chaos and conflict (this becomes a lifestyle pattern) and get bored easily (Lechnyr, 2020). Children robbed of their childhood have to “grow up too fast.” As a result, they are disconnected from their needs and face difficulty asking for help (Cikanavicious, 2019). Children, who were constantly ridiculed, grow up to judge themselves harshly, lie and constantly seek approval and affirmation. Children may fear abandonment, believe they are unlovable/not good enough and feel lonely/misunderstood. As adults, they face difficulty with forming professional, social and romantic bonds, and are viewed as submissive, controlling, overwhelming or even detached in relationships (Ubaidi, 2016). To numb their feelings, they may abuse drugs or alcohol and engage in other risky behaviors (e.g., reckless driving, unsafe sex) (Watson et al., 2013). 

Perhaps most serious of all, these individuals continue the cycle by developing their own parenting problems and reinforcing the dysfunctional dynamic (Bray, 1995). Being aware of the dysfunctional patterns of our past and how they affect how we think and act in the present is the critical first step.  

Name painful or difficult childhood experiences.

Recognize you have power over your life.

Identify behaviors and beliefs you would like to change.

Be assertive, set boundaries and practice non-attachment.

Find a support network.

Seek psychological help.

For parents:

Heal from your own trauma.

Be kind, honest and open-minded — and listen.

Create an environment of respect, safety and privacy.

Model healthy behavior and practice accountability.

Give clear guidelines and factual information.

Learn how to apologize.

Be gentle with teasing, sarcasm, etc.

Allow children to change and grow.

Enforce rules that guide behavior but do not regulate one’s emotional and intellectual life.

Spend time together as a family.

Know when to ask for help.

  References:

Härkönen, J., Bernardi, F. & Boertien, D. (2017). Family Dynamics and Child Outcomes: An Overview of Research and Open Questions. Eur J Population 33, 163–184. https://ift.tt/2Ybl1Nw

Shaw, A. (2014). The Family Environment and Adolescent Well-Being [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2V9xnEb

Dorrance Hall, E. (2017). Why Family Hurt Is So Painful Four reasons why family hurt can be more painful than hurt from others [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3hF1bSo

Nelson, A. (2019). Understanding Fear and Self-Blame Symptoms for Child Sexual Abuse Victims in Treatment: An Interaction of Youth Age, Perpetrator Type, and Treatment Time Period. Honors Theses, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. 89. https://ift.tt/2N7ye3y

Gowman, V. (2019). When Children Believe “I Am Wrong”: The Impact Developmental Trauma Has on Belief Systems and Identity [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/2C9lK9k

Forward, S., & Buck, C. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. NY, NY: Bantam.

Cikanavicius, D. (2019). The Effects of Trauma from “Growing up Too Fast” [blog post]. Retrieved from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-self/2019/12/trauma-growing-up-fast/

Al Ubaidi, B.A. (2017). Cost of Growing up in Dysfunctional Family. J Fam Med Dis Prev, 3(3): 059. doi.org/10.23937/2469-5793/1510059

Lechnyr, D. (2020). Wait, I’m not Crazy?! Adults Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Families [blog post]. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/37DLRAY

Al Odhayani, A., Watson, W. J., & Watson, L. (2013). Behavioural consequences of child abuse. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien, 59(8), 831–836.

Bray, J.H. (1995). 3. Assessing Family Health And Distress: An Intergenerational-Systemic Perspective [Family Assessment]. Lincoln, NB: Buros-Nebraska Series on Measurement and Testing. Retrieved from https://ift.tt/3fBCF34

Dysfunctional Families and Their Psychological Effects syndicated from

[cedarrrun]

By Leo Babauta

There’s a strange contradiction in most of our lives:

We deeply feel the messiness of our lives. We feel it in all areas of our lives, which stresses us out and causes us to shut down, feel overwhelmed, run to distraction and comforts. It creates tremendous uncertainty for us.

But …

We resist sticking to structure and routine. We want to have a great order to our lives, but when it comes to actually following it, we struggle. It feels too rigid, too constricting. So we immediately toss the plan aside and start free-forming it, answering messages and going to distractions and reading or watching things online. This creates even more uncertainty, not being able to stick to structure.

This contradiction might not be universal, but it’s present for a lot of people. I would guess that a majority of people reading this feel a struggle between these two things.

Now, I don’t think you can get control and order over everything in your life — life is inherently messy and uncertain, and all attempts to make it ordered and certain are fundamentally futile. It’s often more helpful to practice mindfully with the uncertainty rather than try to control it.

That said, this is not an all-or-nothing choice. We can create structure and practice with uncertainty. We can even create structure for our uncertainty practice. And we can learn to be unattached to the structure, so that if we have to do a day or week without it, we can be perfectly OK.

Two Reasons to Create Structure

There are two major (interrelated) effects that we feel from this struggle with structure and messiness:

The messiness of our lives causes us to be messy. When we have a huge mess around us, it’s hard to be impeccable. It’s hard to be focused. It’s hard to really put our best effort into our meaningful work. We are greatly affected by everything around us, and by any kind of messiness in our lives. That doesn’t mean we should strive for perfection, but instead that we should recognize the effects of this messiness on us.

Lack of structure creates a lack of trustability. When our lives are completely unstructured and messy, it’s hard for others to trust us. If you were to go into business with someone whose office and life were a huge mess, vs. someone whose office and life seemed to be in impeccable order … all other things being equal, who would you choose? This messiness is felt by our spouses or partners, felt by friends and other loved ones, felt by our colleagues and bosses, felt by our clients, even if they can’t completely see it. And we feel it ourselves, and it erodes our trust in ourselves.

None of this is reason to freak out or beat yourself up. It’s just bringing awareness to the effects of lack of structure. And maybe resolving to create more impeccable structure with time.

Creating Impeccable Structure

Once we’ve resolved to create structure in our lives, it’s important to recognize that this is a process, not a destination. You never do it and then are done with it — it’s an ongoing process.

What does that process look like? Here’s what I do:

Recognize when a part of my life is messy and could use more structure. I list some of those areas below, but the important thing is to notice the feeling of messiness in an area, and resolve to try to create better structure.

Contemplate a structure that would give you a feeling of trust. For example, if you are not staying on top of your emails, you could create a structure as simple as, “Check email at 10am, 1pm and 5pm only, and process each email out of the inbox to empty, or as close to empty as possible in 20 minutes.” If this would make you feel a sense of trust that emails would be taken care of, it’s a good structure. You may need to test it out (see below). Take a little time, disconnected and in solitude, to contemplate this structure.

Write out the structure, then put it somewhere you’ll see it. Once you’ve give it some contemplation, actually write it down — either on paper or in a text document. Make sure it’s somewhere you’ll see it when you need it. If you write it down and then forget it, it’s of no use.

Put it into action, as a practice. This is the key step — actually test out the structure by using it. See if it works. See if it makes you feel a sense of trust. See where the flaws are, and adjust as needed. Do this structure not as a chore, but as a practice, seeing if you can relax into it, surrender to it.

Revisit and revise on a regular basis. Even if the structure is good, you’re not done. It’s like a machine, humming along — eventually it will break. It needs maintenance. You need to adjust as your life changes and you change. You’ll need to make it more impeccable when your life demands it. Every month or two, revisit and revise. At the very least, revisit every 6 months (set reminders in your calendar).

I’m constantly revisiting my structures, and revising them, especially when I feel it’s needed.

Examples of Structure

Some areas of your life that might be messy and in need of structure:

Daily structure. How do you want to structure your day? It doesn’t have to be super planned out and rigid, but you might have something simple … for example: a simple morning routine, then a block for important tasks in the morning, email, important tasks, admin tasks, email, work closing routine, exercise, meditation, evening routine. For others, a more detailed structure might be important. For others, an even looser structure might be better. Or one that is different on different days.

Financial structure. How do you stay on top of your finances? Create a system so that you are tracking your spending on a regular basis, and have a plan for how to spend it.

Communication. How are you handling email and messages? You might carve out time in your regular schedule so that you’re on top of email and messages, without being overwhelmed by it or doing it all day long.

Relationship(s). How are you working on your relationship? Do you have regular dates or time you spend each day together? Do you have counseling or getaways to focus on you as a couple? Maybe you’re not in a relationship — how do you stay in touch with your closest friends and family? How do you make sure you stay close to them, or go even deeper?

Health. How will you stay active? What will you eat to give yourself a thriving healthy life? How will you stay on top of both of these areas?

Household & personal maintenance. How does the laundry get done? Groceries and menu? Cleaning the house? Taking care of yourself (grooming, etc.)?

Physical surroundings. How messy is your house, your office? Is it cluttered? How does all of this affect your mental state?

These are some important examples, but you might have other areas in your life that feel messy. Wherever you’d like to feel more trust and order, that’s a place to contemplate & write out some structure.

Practicing with Uncertainty Within and Without the Structure

Once we’ve created the structure, there are two ways to practice with it:

Working with the uncertainty & resistance of having structure. If you feel yourself rebelling against having structure, you can practice with the uncertainty of that.

Working with the uncertainty when we’re not in the structure. You won’t always be able to stay within your structure — some days will go sideways, other things will come up. In those times, you can practice with the uncertainty of not being in your structure.

Let’s first talk about working with resistance to having structure.

Resistance to having structure: When you set up a structure for yourself, it might sound nice … but then when it comes time to actually doing it, you might feel constricted. You might feel uncertainty about whether you can do it or if it’s the right structure. Or if you should be doing something else instead. This is uncertainty & resistance of having the structure itself.

This is actually perfect! The structure, instead of eliminating uncertainty from your life, gives you a space to practice with the uncertainty. Instead of letting yourself flop all over the place (without structure), you’re asking yourself to courageously confront your discomfort and uncertainty.

The practice is to stay in the discomfort of having structure, and play with it. Feel the resistance, but don’t run. Let yourself open up to the feeling, be immersed in it, be mindful of it in your body. And find a way to appreciate this space, be curious about it, grateful and even joyful in the middle of it. Then play with whatever you have set for yourself to do! Instead of running from the structure, relax into it. It’s an amazing practice.

Uncertainty when we’re not in the structure: If you are used to having structure, what happens when you can’t use it? For example, maybe visitors come over and you can’t do your regular routine? Or you travel, have a crisis at work, have a crisis at home, or have social functions to go to that disrupt your regular schedule and structure?

This is also perfect! It’s an opportunity to practice letting go of the need for structure, and be present in the moment, deciding what’s needed next.

For example, you might be traveling, and your structure is out the window  … but you wake up and decide you still want to meditate, so you meditate for a few minutes in your hotel room. Then you decide you need to do a little work, and you do that before you head out for the day. You find a window at lunch time to catch up on messages. Before you go to bed, you find a window to do some writing. You are flowing, but not just letting everything go, you’re finding focus and purpose in the middle of chaos.

The same could apply if you are in a crisis, have visitors, etc.

This doesn’t mean it’s better to have no structure — for most people, a default structure is going to be helpful, but it’s not helpful to only be able to work and function when you have structure.

Adjusting & Learning with Structure

All of the above is great, but setting up structure once isn’t a “set it and forget it” type of deal. You are going to work with this structure on an ongoing basis.

You will learn as you work with the structure whether it works for you, whether you have needs that aren’t met by the structure, whether you forgot to include things.

For example:

A client created a schedule for himself but then discovered that he was very tired, because his structure didn’t include enough time for rest. So he could adjust it so that he has a sign-off time to ensure he gets enough sleep. Or he could build an afternoon nap period into the structure.

Another client discovered that she was overloaded with too much on her task list. So she learned that it’s better to pare down her expectations of how much she can get done.

I personally have found that the landscape of my day is constantly changing, not always very consistent. So I have a structure for when I have a wide-open day with only one or two meetings, but otherwise I create a structure at the beginning of the day depending on what I have going on that day … or I figure things out on the fly if my day is shifting during the day.

You might find that you need to move something to the morning to give it more focus. Or move exercise to the afternoon to conserve energy. Or have a different structure for different days.

The point is, you learn and adjust. It’s an ongoing refinement. You can make it better and better, and more and more impeccable, with some care and attention.

Structure is worth the effort, because you can learn to relax into the structure. The people around you can trust you more, and relax into your structure as well. And the structure becomes a way to practice with the uncertainty, resistance and discomfort that inevitably arises in your life.

[sarahburness]

3 Empowering Ways to Reframe Anxiety: Work With It, Not Against It

“If I take death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life—and only then will I be free to become myself.” ~Martin Heidegger

If you are a lifelong anxiety warrior like me, you’ve been on a journey of ups and downs.

Anxiety fills our whole bodies. Tension. Heart pounding. Sometimes I feel like my heart must be visibly pulsating so much so that if there are others around, they can see it.

There are varying levels and types of anxiety, including clinical disorders. But the thing that we have in common is that at times we feel intense despair—like the world is caving in on us. We can feel literally stuck and life may even feel meaningless.

But what if anxiety isn’t always negative? What if we could begin to see it differently?

I’m going to share with you three archetypes that I use to cognitively reframe anxiety. Seeing anxiety in these ways has helped me feel more empowered in my journey.

First, I’d like to share a short story about my journey with anxiety.

I began to experience anxiety in early childhood. My parents divorced when I was three—about the same time I developed asthma.

The back and forth visits between my parents were hard on me. Just as I’d get comfortable in one place with one set of rules, it was time to change. I felt an internal struggle to be one Melissa in two different households.

I was sick a lot as a child and was routinely hospitalized each year for my asthma. I also pretended to be sick at times to stay home because the transition back to school felt so overwhelming. Missing school only created more anxiety as I tried to catch up.

To complicate matters, I grew up with a mom who could be very nurturing, but wildly unstable at times. Many of my fears and anxieties arose throughout my youth when my mom would spend months, sometimes years, in bed with some ambiguous illness no doctor could diagnose.

I believe the peacemaker and people pleasing roles I often served in my family played a part in developing my highly sensitive and empathetic nature.

Anxiety continued to visit me frequently throughout my youth and into adulthood as I contemplated my place in the world while healing past trauma.

When I was in graduate school, I talked to my therapist about medication. I was grieving the sudden death of my mom and was in constant struggle with anxiety. While there are cases that necessitate medication, I chose to explore other routes.

Today I still encounter feelings of self-doubt, abandonment, thoughts about death, my purpose, not fitting into the societal mold, and so forth. Some of these issues tie into what we might call existential anxiety, the anxiety that arises when we contemplate our life’s existence.

What has helped me to understand anxiety’s true nature is to work with anxiety rather than against it. By working with anxiety, we can start to see the light in anxiety rather than a dark monster. These are the archetypes I have assigned to anxiety to reflect that light.

1. Anxiety as Motivator.

A few years ago I attended a workshop in Mexico City on existential psychotherapy. One of the key concepts in existentialism is that anxiety is a core human experience that moves us toward growth and development. It calls us to be ourselves and live with purpose as we examine our lives.

Becoming a yoga instructor was one of the most terrifying times of my life. Despite years of public speaking and outreach as a social worker, finding my teaching voice was different. It was scary, as I doubted my capacity to bring a tradition I revered so much to others in a meaningful way.

Now when I face anxiety before teaching, I ask it to help me tap into the human anguish that my students face in other ways to best support them. It fuels my purpose of sharing my own vulnerability from the heart.

Some amount of anxiety is healthy and compels us to ask ourselves who we are, why we’re here, and where we’re going. Anxiety typically relates to these questions under the surface. The exception would be if we are talking about a specific fear, like spiders.

There is a difference between existential anxiety (which calls us to live with meaning) and pathological forms of anxiety (which deeply impair our ability to function). When anxiety becomes a problem, it becomes a disorder; yet, the treatment (cognitive behavioral therapy, talk therapy, etc.) is typically the same.

How does anxiety show up in your life as a motivator? Does it move you toward action?

2. Anxiety as Teacher

When I encounter pain, particularly as it relates to anxiety, grief, and family conflict, I try to remember to ask myself, “What is there to learn here?” By asking this question, I take myself out of the role of victim and into the role of an empowered learner.

Because we see anxiety as a mental health problem, we forget that anxiety is not just living in the brain. It fills us with sensations and emotions in our bodies as our beliefs and old stories play out. Something is happening within us that is requesting our presence. Anxiety can help us to become more aware of what needs greater attention and love.

As an empath, I am prone to absorbing the emotions of others. There are moments when I experience anguish because of a painful time someone else is having. My body tightens up and feels suffocated when this happens.

When this occurs, I become more aware of what is happening and that I need to change something. It’s a cue to me that I need to do something with the suffering I’m feeling. It’s time to get on my yoga mat or go for a walk or maybe it’s a cue that I need to set boundaries in a relationship.

How does anxiety show up in your life as a teacher? What do you learn from anguish?

3. Anxiety as Liberator.

Wait, what? That was my reaction when I wrote the word. Allow me to explain.

As a society, we pathologize despair are taught anxiety is a sickness, which leads to us feeling bad about feeling bad. But since anxiety is a natural part of being human, it’s inevitable that it will surface. Even though I feel alone with anxiety sometimes, I try to remember I’m part of a collective experience of confusion, doubt, and suffering.

Sometimes anxiety arrives in my life and I’m able to take a moment to realize its origin. I notice that behind that anxiety is often very deep compassion, very deep fear, very deep desire to be a better person, and so forth. I then can see anxiety as a very deep capacity to experience the spectrum of human emotions and allow them to coexist.

Anxiety can either be avoided by living on the surface, as existential psychotherapist Emmy Van Deurzen puts it, or it can be deeply embraced as an inherent part of our being. If we choose to avoid it, it will smack us in the face later in life.

When we can start to observe anxiety in this way, we start to see it for what it is. We see that joy and anguish can exist together. We can lean into it discomfort rather than avoid. And through this process, we can begin to feel a sense of freedom.

What if anxiety is not something wrong with you but just part of the path?

The ideas I outlined might take a little time to resonate. I encourage you to sit with them and feel into each archetype before reaching any conclusion.

**I am not suggesting that reframing anxiety in this way can cure severe clinical disorders. My intention is provide a thought-provoking piece to explore as a complement to any professional treatment you may receive now or in the future.

Color splash image by Signe7542

About Melissa Renzi

Melissa Renzi is a Licensed Social Worker and Certified Yoga Teacher. She helps sensitive souls transform anxiety and cultivate lasting self-love. She leads global retreats designed for women, introverts, and highly sensitive people that focus on renewing self-care and deepening our connection to nature. Access her 60-Second Techniques to Release Anxiety for some fast-acting, mind-body approaches to anxiety relief.

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