#and because therapy costs money
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#Trying to get excited for Christmas and other good things coming up but I'm very much slipping back into that feeling of time going by#simultaneously too fast and too slow#like things aren't moving fast enough yet I feel time slipping through my fingers#And I have a million and one things I need to do but I can't get any of them done#I'm overwhelmed by how much there is to do yet underwhelmed and directionless because the days are starting to blur together#It feels like every day and every week is the same unchanging routine#But I don't have the motivation to do anything different or hard#Just whatever will give me that instant gratification and make a day feel even slightly special#I'm doing things not because I actually feel like I want to but because. well. my to do list says I'm supposed to so ig I should right?#It's getting harder to maintain any sort of relationships. It's getting harder to actually reach out and talk to people.#I'm just coasting at this point but it gives me so much anxiety because what if something happens to me and this is all I did with my life#I never write that book I never make the art I wanted to make I never make those videos and watch those movies or do those fun things with#my friends#I just get up go to work come home stress about the things I know I won't get done tonight repeat#The adhd or whatever definitely isn't helping because I can barely complete a task that doesn't have a tangible value OR THAT REPEATS ITSEL#LIKE I HATE PUTTING AWAY LAUNDRY BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE A TEMPORARY (AND THEREFORE USELESS) ACCOMPLISHMENT#WHY PUT IN WHAT FEELS LIKE AN IMPOSSIBLR EFFORT WHEN I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO TAKE IT DOWN AND WASH IT AGAIN#WHY DO LAUNDRY WHEN I'M JUST GONNA PUT MORE CLOTHES IN THE HAMPER#And you know what else#I'm getting real sick of not being able to be creative; feeling the overwhelming itch to draw like I used to but then. when I open the#sketchbook. I can't think of a single thing to draw. And the motivation leaves me.#SIGH. ANYWAY.#can't wait to delete this later out of embarrassment but then not talk to a professional because my family never raised me to seek help#and because it doesn't feel like a therapist can help#and because therapy costs money#and I can't open up to people#and because it feels pointless and dumb to spend even more of my precious time on smth like that when it isn't life threatening#(I don't want to die so why not spend my time doing more important things)#vent#delete later
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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I’m starting to think I had a traumatic life and that it has affected the way that I am
#I wish therapy didn’t cost money :D#alas also pretty much all the therapist in my area are religious based#except the one I went to whom I got ghosted by because I didn’t wanna talk to him/tell him about my sex life#like bro my dad invited me to lunch for the first time ever (he flaked) like this feels more important than u asking about if I had sex
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Just got turned down by a straight girl who I thought was gay lemme go write about it
#stranger things#robin buckley#Yes I'm projecting now#It was that horrible tone of voice that they use too#That “oh.. you're a really good friend”#And I only ever see it portrayed with brent rivera looking straight guys but it's arguably worse when you think you're in love with girl#Only for her to end up being straight and now the friendship you had with her is absolutely destroyed but you have to keep seeing her#And it keeps happening to me and it never gets any better and I don't know I thought she liked me because she acted like she liked me and#She kept saying things like “You're better than a normal friend” or texting me every day to make sure I was doing okay and I guess I read i#Wrong or she might have led me on a little without even realizing it but people keep saying this is supposed to be the time of my life but#Its just not happening#...#Well shit sorry bout that#robin x reader#i might write this#Therapy costs money my notes app where i write fanfiction is free
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According to 6 different serious health/psychology pages I have BPD, do you think that means I should see a therapist?
#i've been thinking about the possibility for a while but never looked up symptoms because i was scared#and now it's starting to get out of hand so i finally did even though i originally didn't want to be officially diagnosed#for various reasons like the stigma in society and my health insurance knowing so all my future doctors will go back to their#'it's only psychological stop being so dramatic you're not actually sick' shit and invalidating me and my health problems in the past#some of them straight up refused to write a sick note for school when i actually had the flu back in 8th grade#so that's one reason why i don't want any mental illnesses to appear in my medical record#plus the cost factor because i'm not sure if the insurance would even cover everything but i might end up paying for it myself#if it means the health insurance won't be informed even if it's probably a lot of money#but in order to get therapy i need to get diagnosed by a professional so once i read into it a bit more i'll figure out how to tell my mom#and see if i'll call this one therapist in my town who apparently treats psychosomatic disorders#i'm sincerely sorry to everybody i've talked to recently (aside from casual fandom chatting) who may have noticed me behaving kinda shitty#advice is greatly appreciated because this hit me like a train and i don't fucking want this. like at all#i thought my switching between depressed and anxious and angry and empty and hyper was just. idk something else but not That#mel talks
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I am just despairing so deeply at the state of it all
#like. i just need a break so bad and im never going to get it.#im not gonna be able to see family this winter. im not gonna be able to afford to go out with people.#im barely sure i'll be able to afford the place i live for the next three months.#im broke and my job wont start paying me for who knows how long#i cant work more because school. and school is costing me even more fucking money#im depressed and suicidal but i cant afford therapy#and on top of it all i have four classes and a thesis to write. and none of my practicum paperwork is finished and i have no car.#like. sorry but i just want to fucking kill myself.
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Had a bad pain day, which is apparently something I have now. Busted my knee somehow, while running on the sidewalk ;_; Considering buying a cane, but I don’t know if that will do anything for back pain.
#when i say i have tried everything i can think of for back pain... besides getting a professional massage or idk fire cupping#because these things cost too much effing money#i need physical therapy but an mri wouldn't hurt beforehand. i swear there's a curve or misalignment in my spine/shoulders#i just don't know why it's been getting worse each month. i thought it was bad last month but i could barely walk today.#couldn't go xmas shopping with a friend. can't even sit on the subway OR stand. can't carry a damn grocery bag...#it's just really getting to me today.
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'tis the year of medical expenses for me
#I can afford it but it still sucks#currently I am super glad that at least my therapy is covered completely#because the psychiatrists I was recommended are not#also I need to call my dentist because of the whole implant thing#trying to get your shit together costs so much money it's insane
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how the fuck can this college hold any kind of pride when it’s students are borderline (or fully) suicidal and the counseling here costs money. decent mental health shouldn’t be privilege fuck you
#i feel so bad for my friends#they can’t go to therapy because it fucking costs money after a certain number of sessions#some people would benefit from having weekly sessions but they fucking can’t get what they need for cost related reasons!#what the hell!
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was going to go buy more weed today before my card expires and i have to pay to renew it but noooo my stomach broke because i'm anxious. can it ever stop
#emetophobia tw:#i'm sick of throwing up i'm so fucking tired of my body#things could be worse#but tbh nothing is right and i want to rip my hair out#everything is off!#and i'm going to be ok but like... when though and for how long#can't shit ever get better#like am i just wasting my money on therapy#shouldn't i just fucking waste it on weed#just kidding. i'm starved for interaction honestly#sorry. pathetic moment#anyways. i hope it doesn't cost a lot to renew my card#because i want to be a dab hitter for sure#but also idk how much it'll cost to fix my laptop yet#writhing on the ground#not only do i need my screen fixed but also my keyboard#fucking. annoyed#vent
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writing flores facets rn because its v therapeutic. slaps nico flores. this bad boy can fit so much self projection in him
#whiskey yelling into the void#therapy costs money. writing is free#i love that he's kind of a blank character in tss rn because i can do anything with this guy#give HIM a crippling moral crisis!!!!
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genuinely it is amazing that i am able to even get out of bed because these past two months have been some of the worst i've had in like a decade. genuinely in a perpetual state of "why is this happening to me" and "how are things going to get better after this" and "how will i ever have a future" like shit just keeps happening one thing after another i can't rid of it
#still don't have therapy; having what may be the last appointment with my current psych of three(?) years#because my clinic basically wants to take everything away from me and kick me to the curb#now my cat won't eat or drink which is like the sixth time she's had a health scare in the past two years#other cat has a genetic mouth disease and needs teeth pulled which costs so much fucking money#my mom decided to quit her job at the worst possible time as well#i can't keep up with household maintenance i can't even take care of myself#can barely shower can't make food for myself#if someone doesn't make something for me i just don't eat because it's too much effort#everything is too much effort i'm tired#been thinking of killing myself just out of spite to my clinic#since some of them seem fucking convinced i don't need help anymore apparently#this is why people end up dead i'm being fucking failed by these people#still don't have a job still can't drive can't do this can't do that#i'm fucking coming apart i don't want to Think anymore#what's going to happen to me#i need help i need help in so many ways help is being refused help is becoming farther away#i'm stuck in life
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I’m posting the ever-so-rare photo of myself alongside one of my characters based on my childhood because today is World Autism Acceptance Day, and I wanted to show my little corner of the internet who this particular autistic person is:
I was officially diagnosed in February, at age 38 (I’m now 39). A lot of people thought I couldn’t be autistic. Some people who know me in real life still don’t. And until around 10 years ago, I didn’t think I could be either, because I was nothing like the stereotype media portrays. I was told that autistics lacked empathy (untrue), and never played make-believe (also often untrue) and only enjoyed STEM. I was — and am — an empathetic artist -- and make believe? I can spend days sketching finely bedecked bears brewing tea or carefully choosing the right words to weave tapestries of fiction — though perhaps my hyper focus was a bit of a red flag. Even so, how could autism describe me? I was a good student. I got straight A's. I didn’t act out in class. I can make eye contact…if I must. And lots of girls hate having their hair brushed with an unholy passion, right? Clearly I swim in sarcasm like a fish, so autism couldn't be why I was so anxious all the time, could it?
If someone had told me when I was younger what autism ACTUALLY is — instead of the nonsense I’d seen on screens — I would have seen myself in it. I didn’t hear that autistics have sensory issues until I was in my mid-twenties, which is when I first began to really research autism symptoms, and I had almost all of them: sensitivity to light, smells, fabrics, temperatures, textures, and certain touches, all of which make me feel anxious, I fidget (stim), I never know what the hell to do with my hands or where to look, I talk too little or too much, I have special interests, I have entire animated movies memorized shot-by-shot and can remember the first time and place I saw every movie I've ever seen but I often forget what I'm trying to say mid-sentence, I echo movies and tv shows (my husband and I have a whole repertoire of shared echolalias, making up about 20% of our conversations), I was in speech therapy as a kid, I have issues with dysnomia and verbal fluency, I toe-walk, I can't multitask to save my life, I like things just-so, I’m deeply introverted but not shy, I need to recover from all social interaction — even social interaction I enjoy — and I find stupid, every day things like grocery shopping, driving and making appointments overwhelming and intensely stressful, sometimes to the point where I struggle to speak. It turns out, I am definitely autistic. My results weren't borderline. Not even close. And while these aren’t all of my challenges, and not everyone with these symptoms is autistic, it’s definitely something to look into if you present with all of these things at once.
So why did it take me so long to get diagnosed? The same bias that exists in media threads through the medical community as well, and because I'm a woman who can discuss the weather while smiling on cue, few people thought I was worth looking into. Even after I was fairly certain I was autistic, receiving an official diagnosis in the US is unnecessarily difficult and expensive, and in my case, completely uncovered by my insurance. It cost me over $4000, and I could only afford it because my husband makes more money than I do as a freelance illustrator — a job I fell into largely because it didn’t require in-person work; like many autists, I have been chronically underemployed and underpaid, in part due to physical illness in my twenties, which is a topic for another day. But it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be so hard for adults to receive diagnoses and it shouldn’t be so hard for people to see themselves in this condition to begin with due to misinformation and stereotypes. Like many issues in America, these barriers are even higher for marginalized groups with multiple intersectionalities.
It’s commonly said that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. This is why it’s called a spectrum, not because there’s a linear progression of severity (someone who appears to have low support needs like myself might need more than it seems, and vice versa), but because every autistic person has their own strengths and weaknesses, challenges and experiences, opinions and needs. No two people on the spectrum present in the same way. And that’s a good thing! No way of being autistic is inherently any better than any other, and even if someone on the spectrum struggles with things I don’t — or can do things I can’t — doesn’t make them more or less deserving of respect and human dignity.
But speaking solely for myself, the more I learn about autism, the happier I am to be autistic. I struggle to find words and exert fine motor control, but my deep passion and fixation has made me good at art and storytelling anyway. I find more joy watching dogs and studying leaf shapes on my walks than most people do in an entire day. More often than not, the barriers I’ve faced weren’t due to my autism directly, but due to society being overly rigid about what it considers a valid way of existing. My hope in writing this today is that maybe one person will realize that autism isn’t what they thought — and that being different is not the same as being less than. My hope with my fiction is to give autistic children mirrors with which to see themselves, and everyone else windows through which to see us as we actually are.
If you’re interested in learning more about autism or think you might be autistic, too, I recommend the Autism Self Advocacy Network autisticadvocacy.org and the following books:
What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz
We're Not Broken by Eric Garcia
Knowing Why edited by Elizabeth Bartmess
Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PhD
Loud Hands edited by Julia Bascom
Neurotribes by Steve Silberman
(trigger warning: the last two contain quite a lot of upsetting material involving institutionalized child abuse, but I think it’s important for people to know how often autistic children were — and are — abused simply for being neurodivergent).
Thanks for reading 💛
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A Big TB Announcement
Greetings from Washington D.C., where I spent the morning meeting with senators before joining a panel that included TB survivor Shaka Brown, Dr. Phil LoBue of the CDC, and Dr. Atul Gawande of USAID. Dr. Gawande announced a major new project to bring truly comprehensive tuberculosis care to regions in Ethiopia and the Philippines. Over the next four years, this project can bring over $80,000,000 in new money to fight TB in these two high-burden countries.
Our family is committing an additional $1,000,000 a year to help fund the project in the Philippines, which has the fourth highest burden of tuberculosis globally.
Here’s how it breaks down: The Department of Health in the Philippines has made TB reduction a major priority and has provided $11,000,0000 per year in matching funds to go alongside $10,000,000 contributed by USAID and an additional $1,000,000 donated by us. This $22,000,000 per year will fund everything from X-Ray machines, medications, and GeneXpert tests to training and employing a huge surge of community health workers, nurses, and doctors who are calling themselves TB Warriors. In an area that includes nearly 3,000,000 people, these TB Warriors will screen for TB, identify cases, provide curative treatment, and offer preventative therapy to close contacts of the ill. We know this Search-Treat-Prevent model is the key to ending tuberculosis, but we hope this project will be both a beacon and a blueprint to show that It’s possible to radically reduce the burden of TB in communities quickly and permanently. It will also, we believe, save many, many lives.
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I believe we can’t end TB without these kinds of public/private partnerships. After all, that’s how we ended smallpox and radically reduced the global burden of polio. It’s also how we’ve driven down death from malaria and HIV. For too long, TB hasn’t had the kind of government or private support needed to accelerate the fight against the disease, but I really hope that’s starting to change. I’m grateful to USAID for spearheading this project, and also to the Philippine Ministry of Health for showing such commitment and prioritizing TB.
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One reason this project is even possible: Both the cost of diagnosis (through GeneXpert tests) and the cost of treatment with bedaquiline are far lower than they were a year ago, and that is due to public pressure campaigns, many of which were organized by nerdfighteria. I’m not asking you for money (yet); Hank and I will be funding this in partnership with a few people in nerdfighteria who are making major gifts. But I am asking you to continue pressuring the corporations that profit from the world’s poorest people to lower their prices. I’ve seen some of the budgets, and it’s absolutely jaw-dropping how many more tests and pills are available because of what you’ve done as a community.
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I don’t yet have the details on which region of the Philippines we’ll be working in, but it will be an area that includes millions of people–perhaps as many as 3 million. And it will include urban, suburban, and rural areas to see the different responses needed to provide comprehensive care in different communities. This will not (to start!) be a nationwide campaign, because even though $80,000,000 is a lot of money, it’s not enough to fund comprehensive care in a nation as large as the Philippines. But we hope that it will serve as a model–to the nation, to the region, and to the world–of what’s possible.
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I’m really excited (and grateful) that our community gets to have a front-row seat to see the challenges and hopefully the successes of implementing comprehensive care. Just in the planning, this project has involved so many contributors–NGOs in the Philippines, global organizations like the Partners in Health community, USAID, the national Ministry of Health in the Philippines, and regional health authorities as well. There are a lot of partners here, but they’ve been working together extremely well over the last few months to plan for this project, which will start more or less immediately thanks to their incredibly hard work.
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I Need Help
Hey folks, serious post. I've mentioned what's going on with me a couple times but never really went into much detail; I've been having severe pain in my left side for over 3 months now. Doctors can't figure out what's causing it, no X-rays, CT scans, ultrasounds, or blood work show anything. I've seen multiple specialists and gotten no answers. I finally got one of them to send me to physical therapy which I started last week.
My co-pay for specialists is very high and my physical therapy counts as specialist visits according to my shit insurance.
I'm going to be out $600 in the next few weeks because of this. I'm already out more than $500 because of the previous doctor visits and imaging done. So that's over $1100. And this is assuming the PT fixes me. I hope it does, I'm so tired of dealing with this. More bills are still coming in as well so who knows how much I actually owe...
I really hate asking for real life money, especially right now with all the Palestinian gfms going around, but I'm struggling, my job pays like shit (in the US? shocking I know /s) and I haven't been able to work a full shift for the 3 months this has been going on. All of this is excluding my normal medical costs for unrelated issues, which are expensive enough as it is.
I'm going to drop some links here.
Help Me Pay My Medical Bills
If you donate leave me your Tumblr url and a request and I'll doodle something for you:
I'll draw Flight Rising dragons, non-FR dragons, animals, dinosaurs, kaiju, pokemon, any kind of creature really, furries, etc.
Here are some examples of my work from this year's Art Fight
These obviously aren't doodles but they're the most recent pieces I've made and are most accurate to my current style. The more you donate the more time I will spend on your request.
Links:
Ko-Fi
Paypal
Venmo
(please ignore my deadname on venmo and paypal)
** If you can't donate I would greatly appreciate reblogs **
#the stress of it all is killing me#I know I keep up a cheerful vibe on this blog but I am not doing ok#and I'm finding that very difficult to admit to myself let alone strangers on the internet#I don't even know what to tag this with...
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Reasons to end the monarchy: Charles Edition
Well it's the coronation so you know what it's time for.
The entire concept of a monarchy is actively undemocratic. The head of state should not be someone who is only in that position because they were born into a certain family.
Having a monarchy upholds classism as a specific family of great wealth and power are viewed as superior to others.
They stand for a history of racism and imperialism. This country has done some truly terrible things in its history and the monarchy are a symbol of that. In order to attempt to begin to undo the harm that we have done, we need to remove this symbol of oppression.
The royal family have previously lobbied the government to hide their own personal wealth. Despite this, we are obviously aware that they have a large amount of wealth.
Prince Charles has himself lobbied the government on a number of occasions. His 'black spider memos' show that he has repeatedly pressured ministers on a wide range of topics from the Iraq war to badger culling to alternative therapies. He has used his power to lobby the government on subjects that would affect him.
The monarch does not occupy a ceremonial role as is frequently claimed. Ministers and civil servants have to consult the monarch. Civil servants have to get the consent of the royals on pieces of legislation, which can cause delays on implementation.
Even if the monarch did occupy a purely ceremonial role, as a literal billionaire he wields a ridiculously high amount of power over people.
Windsor Castle brings in less money than Windsor Legoland does. The many castles that are owned by the royal family could be used to create spaces for the public to enjoy or to be used as a shelter for the homeless. The Louvre in Paris used to be house of the French monarchy and gets over twenty times the tourists. Edinburgh castle hasn't had the monarchy live in it for centuries and yet still brings in tourism.
Prince Andrew is widely known to be connected to Jeffrey Epstein; yet he has not had to face any repercussions for his actions despite blatantly lying when being asked about his actions. The royal family have defended him and prevented him from facing the consequences of his actions.
They cost around £334 million per year. This money could be used to help the poor, given to the NHS, to repair and build infrastructure, to support small businesses that are struggling, pretty much anything.
The royal household publishes a much lower figure about the cost of the royal family, so they are actively trying to cover up their cost.
Charles has had access to confidential Cabinet papers, undermining our democracy.
He has publicly championed alternative medicine and has repeatedly promoted it. He sent at least seven letters to the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency, that then shortly relaxed the rules governing the labeling of herbal products, ones he as part of Charles's Duchy Originals produces.
He lobbied the health secretary regarding greater provision of alternative treatments on the NHS.
In 2018, 46% of Britons wanted him to abdicate immediately after Elizabeth died. He’s barely wanted by the country even with the sheer amount of pro-monarchy propaganda going around. Charles specifically is very unpopular.
In order to speak to him, broadcasters had to sign a 15-page contract, which includes Clarence house attending the rough and fine cut edits of films and if unhappy can remove that contribution, as well as stipulating that all questions directed at him must be pre-approved and vetted by his representative.
His personal wealth is £1.8 billion. He inherited a large amount of this from Elizabeth, with it being exempt from inheritance tax. Having an immunity from this tax when others don’t is ridiculous.
The Duchy of Cornwall was named in the Paradise papers.
The coronation is going to cost £100 million during a cost of living crisis.
People have been banned from protesting Charles with official warning letters were sent to anti-monarchists.
Protestors who block roads, airports and railways could face an entire year behind bars. Locking yourself to others, objects or buildings could go to prison for six months and face an unlimited fine. Police are allowed to head off disruption by stopping and searching protestors that they suspect.
The public were encouraged to swear allegiance to the new King when he gets sworn in, this is a deeply disturbing suggestion.
He's a billionaire who's going to use the public's money to celebrate himself.
The monarch has sweeping immunity from many laws
He owns business parks and small rented cottages, six of the ten top residential homes, 285,000 acres of mineral rich land. He’s ridiculously rich in a country where so many people are facing extreme poverty.
#uk politics#british royal family#fuck the monarchy#imperialism#royals#king charles III#may he end up like the first
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