#i cant work more because school. and school is costing me even more fucking money

[misojohnist]

I am just despairing so deeply at the state of it all

[ekslibris]

i feel so isolated from other people especially people my own age im slowly going insane. my friends and peers are still going to uni or slowly finishing it and starting good jobs and i just.. i have nothing to offer. and i dont want to complain to my friends because its embarrassing and im embarassed but regardless even when i do complain to them they just try to relate and talk about their problems and i get it but at the same time i get so annoyed because well at least you got a degree and a job that may open things to you in the future. and i still have nothing to offer. and i dont even have any desire to go back to uni and im definitely not paying for it because i dont have any money for that but everyone acts like its a done deal that i will go back because well what can you do with only a high school education. well i dont fucking know? kill myself???? and i dont even hate the job that im doing now because its mostly easy but i cant live on min wage anymore and i have to find something else that i know is going to be much much worse. and im constantly thinking about people working 'bad'/difficult/badly paid jobs and im thinking this will be my entire life everyday. also i keep thinking how even if i somehow make it theres just going to be another person in my place. and my mom is asking well what do you care about other people worry about yourself, but i am 'other people' now? and regardless i dont want others to be in this and have bad shitty jobs but i guess theres always going to be someone being a cashier at mcdonalds but i dont want it to be me or anybody else . and also anytime i work 8-10 hours for more than like 4 days in a row it feels like i cant even do anything else because theres just no time and im really trying and im trying to work out more consistently and run more and cook more organized than i did before and stay on top of things as they need to be done and i even signed up for a dance class but its not even worth it because in the end its just another thing that is costing me money but its just whatever. i always feel tired and apathetic. i dont want to say im depressed but really i dont know what else to do at this point. i dont have any desire to keep doing what im doing and i have nothing to look forward to and im just tired. i wish i could go back to that psychiatrist i was forced to see in high school because she tried to push antidepressants onto me several times and i always declined because i was against that and honestly my stance on that hasnt really changed but at this point well why not try antidepressants if i cant get myself out of it like i managed to get myself out of it back then. and at least i dont have somebody constantly screaming at me everyday now that i moved into a new place in september so thats better now and the roommate situation is the best that can be but still. im constantly just thinking money and time money and time how much money i wil have left if i do this or buy that and how much time i will have left after work and after i do this and that and this and that and how theres always another thing that needs to be done. and i dont want to do any of it and i dont even know why im doing any of it. and obviously im too big of a pussy to actually kill myself or do anything drastic but like ? at one point this will stop because it will because i will stop doing it. and as i said i feel alone and seeing my friends makes it better but we dont have that much time to see eachother because we all have such different schedules. and honestly seeing her this summer also pointed out how i dont feel that much attached to my friends and how i miss real connection and being close to somebody but that is a whole other thing for another time. anyway yay life in your twenties am i right???

[hellhoundlair]

fuck it im writing an old deviantart vent journal bc its what i need rn

had a medical appointment yesterday to try and figure shit out thats going on with me. it costed over a weeks worth of work for me and no new info on my problem has been uncovered. because i have no new info im probably going to require even more expensive appointments and its going to cost so fucking much.

im living with my family and not doing school or anything, i can afford to have my weekly wage go towards appointment, im also recieving pension money too so im still actively making money. but i have so much anxiety around money and have set this mental rule that im not allowed to spend a certain amount of money from my job every week and these appointments have bulldozed that mental rule and its distressing. especially when nothing comes of the appointments it just makes me feel like my money is going no where and like shit is for nothing lol. i also almost got hit by a van today at work and it makes me want to give up on it. it being either work or trying to figure out my medical issues. i know i cant do that i shoudnt do that but its rly not feeling worth it rn. im just. having a rly bad week so far.

listening to: drunk drivers/killer whales by car seat headrest

eating: just ate a nutella banana sandwich :)

mood: extremely demoralised

[albedostartarus]

You know what’s funny? All this stupid fucking. and I’m not even growing, my knowledge about photography and layout design is the exact fucking same as last semester. Fashion studio, all that work? Nothing. K came into this semester with the exact same amount of sewing knowledge as me—- started studio 2 weeks late— picked the most difficult pattern and learned to sew it ON THE FLY as she made the dress. I did. Nothing. She’s come out someone with a knowledge of sewing and patterns and all that I want to learn and I did. Nothing. You know why I didn’t pick the stupid fucking sewing project? Because I was boo boo fucking scared, oh no what if I’m unable to sew! Oh no! Boo fucking hoo she went out and did it and all I did was tell her that she had the choice to not do it whenever she encountered AND eventually cleared an obstacle in her process.

I’m not only a stupid fucking person with no technical skill or ability I’m also a horrible fucking person. R got her first internship after the first fucking semester after being accepted to a design program at one of the best universities in the world with a full scholarship while she had a fraction of the resources and experience that I did. S was accepted to bits Pilani and chose not to go bc of the fees, K was accepted to RISD and didn’t go hc of the fees and has nearly a twice as large scholarship to parsons. Z has had way more problems in life than I have, like actual problems not just "oh no! my computers slow!" and she's way better than me, had experience working with design and art before I ever started work on my stupid fucking portfolio that I took a gap year for. It took me a WHOLE GAP YEAR TO MAKE A MEDIOCRE PORTFOLIO RHAT GOT ME A MEDIOCRE SCHOLARSJIP INTO A SCHOOL I DIDNT EVEN HAVE ON MY TOP FUCKING THREE.

Last semester I was the only one who didn’t finish the time class final and I chose to not go to critique and pretended I didn’t wake up bc I didn’t want to face my class knowing that I took up a large project knowing damn well it was a challenge and confidently told the prof I could pull it off then failed due to my own shortcomings.

My grades in 10th were mediocre my grades in 12th were bad and I wasn’t even good enough in the prelimsries to get into CS and was only let it after submitting a special request following the final results which only met the intake by a THIN amount

my skin is full of acne scars and blackheads because I never took care of it my teeth cost my dad several Lakhs because I wasn’t even able to wear a fucking retainer regularly and I STILL don’t and I STILL can’t do the bare minimum of brushing properly and my tooth look like actual shit.

My feet look like shit because I never took care of them my toe nails are chipped and disgusting and there’s the remnants of an untreated blood clot in one of them and ugly patches of hair everywhere

My eyesight fucking sucks because surprise surprise! I didn’t fucking take care of it and cost my family money

I was fat as hell and lately my solution to that has been actively starving myself which in the past has also SIRORISE SIRPRISE cost my family money because I keep having to get blood tests done and get supplements

I can’t talk to people and didn’t have a single friend until 6th and after that still couldn’t talk to anyone except them, I made friends during the pandemic and you know what!!! I’m still FUCKING AWKWARD AROUND THEM!!!’ I CANT TALK TO THE PRIPLE I TRUST THE MOST !!!!! WHATS THE FUCKING POINT!!!!!!

I have ugly legs ugly face ugly nails ugly waist ugly ass ugly everything, my skins getting worse because I fucked up my sleeping schedule as a teenager

I don’t have a CV a resume a portfolio and haven’t applied to a single job in my entire life. I’m pathetic and can’t even do the most basic things in life and all I’ve done for the past 5-7 years I’d be mediocre and waste my family’s money. Im pathetic. I’m stupid. Im ugly. I’m incapable of even keeping my room SOMEWHAT clean let alone keeping myself looking attractive. And now I’m here in college wasting more of my parents’ money while continuing to be mediocre and stupid.

I deserve to die and everyone in my life deserves so much better than me. I don’t know how many of my friends talk and hang out with me out of obligation and bc it’s like I’m almost forcing them and how many even actyally want to and if they don’t I can’t even blame them because I wouldn’t hang out with me either! I’m everything I hate and more and I keep pretending otherwise in hopes that the people I love wouldn’t leave me.

[blessedshortcake]

Delete later

I dont know if its the holidays coming up that has me stressing again or just everything piling up in general but its that time of my existence again when i genuinely consider serious harm to get some kind of significant help or care thats more than "just stop worrying"

I cant take school. Im too burnt out and i dont have time to recharge even tho i only have school twice a week. I have no help from my family because asking them for help will either get me forced to live with an unstable household with my sister or in an unstable household with my mother. In both cases shamed and reprihended but in different ways ig so its a pick your poison moment. I cant win

I havent been to class in months. Im terrified. Im failing i dont have enough grades and none of my classmates know me so i cant ask anyone for help. Im terrified if i drop out the gov will make me pay back the child support ive been Literally living off of since i live by myself and wont be hired anywhere because i didnt graduate yet and here you wont be hired without that for like 95% of job spaces. Youre either a student working or have your diploma or you dont exist at all

I gave up hobbies that cost money ive been doing my best to eat whatevers home so i dont spend extra money ordering in but i just dont have the energy to do this anymore. I want a job. I want a job so bad i want to be done with school i cant do school we literally have ptsd from school and no support from anyone around like family or teachers. I cant apply for therapy again because theres a 6 month waitlist and by then its fucking summer (probably) and even then it takes at least a year to start getting any diagnosis and i never managed to hold down a therapist for long enough. They dont take you seriously here in their eyes we were always just lazy or a little sad or haha teenage anxiety

We cant enter a school building without bordering an anxiety attack even if its just for like an art show or any non education related reasons. We cant learn due to alter to alter amnesia (OSDD i almost never talk about it on here but yea hi system here this is Hell) because in classes we either dissociate too bad due to the panic it causes us to just Be behind a desk taking notes with people to actually remember what we wrote if we did write anything and then if you learn anything at home theres a 10% chance youre gonna be the guy at front to take the test because, again, fear.

What the hell am i meant to do when i feel like the best option here is to either blind myself so i get to be excused since id have to restart my life pretty much or try and pretend i was hit by a car on accident because i cant sign into a ward here. I cant call a crisis hotline like "yea i wanna die it sucks ass here" because my family will again either force me to live with someone mentioned above or kick me out and then what. I cant do this im not gonna do anything harsh that could end me like thats not what im saying here im just frustrated and scared and sad about how hopeless this all feels like

[serendipitous-mage]

actually no you know what i am major league pissed at about 10 other irl things rn so you have Unlocked something congrats anon.

firstly: fuck you. you have zero right to try and tell me i am 'quite wrong' in knowing i would not be a suitable parent. you "know" that i supposedly am .... how? have you installed cameras inside everywhere i've ever been and listened in on private conversations and know the inner workings of my mind and disabilities even better than i do? because oh boy howdy—

i'm poor as shit, second of all. always have been probably always will be. we somehow never quite hit homelessness, but i had sleep for dinner many of my elementary/early school days, i was always the kid who thought disneyland was as much a fantasy as the worlds in the movies it was so out of our league, any field trips that werent cost covered were Extremely unlikely to happen, and i was always on either the free or reduced lunch programs when they were available. a few years, the collections that they do at schools for canned foods and things to donate, we were given one of those boxes. i would not ever want to bring a child into the world knowing they would grow up the same way (or worse, more than likely, considering the minimum wage-inflation bullshit and my jobs).

C: even if i had plenty of money to be certain i could support a child via having a living space large enough, heat and hot water and electricity, consistently having plenty of food and basic care products, transportation, and—because fuck you 'surviving' is not the bare minimum existence should be—toys and treats and clothes and trips and fun things ... i can't even take care of myself well rn. i've been in a rollercoaster spiral of ptsd and anxiety/depression among who knows what else for over a decade now, and due to a myriad of personal reasons, thats not changing any time soon. i am perpetually exhaused and cannot get enough sleep as it is, and having helped raise infants before im well aware of just how much less i would be getting with one around. i am not in a mental or emotional space to raise a child, and more people need to think about that before diving in just because It's Expected and they want a little human who is bound to them for 18 years and cant up and leave when they pull bullshit that would end any other relationship.

fourth: i have the unfortunate privilege of living in the united states. you probably arent aware, anon, but we have ... an INSANE gun problem. i would be TERRIFIED to have a child and then send them off to school knowing there is a decent chance their building will get shot up by a little white boy who has a military grade weapon because the people in power here value dead/fictional people more than the living breathing ones in front of them. i have lost too many people i care about to go asking for another like that.

#5: pregnancy is traumatizing. assume firstly that i a) am not asexual, b) have someone that would be a possibility to do that with, c) have someone i Trust and would Want to raise a child with—because i would not ever want one with someone i wasnt 100% sure would help provide a safe, secure, and loving environment for them to grow up in, which again is something more people need to think about before getting frisky—and d) am physically capable of carrying to term ... ow. no thanks. nor do i want to risk getting whatever health issues the other party has. i also have personal trauma that going through the whole parenting thing would be wildly triggering on a number of reasons so, no fuckin thanks.

also brotato chip. famalicious. cuddling anyone you care about can release oxytocin.

also??? don't try to suggest our parental relationships are fucked just because of skin contact. they're fucked because:

rampant lack of sex education and disdain/shaming of sex work and sexual tendencies in individuals despite it being one of THE defining nonsenses behind gender norms/societal roles makes it harder or impossible for young people to know their limits, know their boundaries, feel like they CAN say no,

extreme misogyny/racism/homophobia/etc bigotry forcing people to not be able to consider being with individuals who would make them happy and instead having to conform to the "normal" nuclear family, and causing immense fear and extra stress/medical bills/early deaths in families that do

pressure from everything from billboards and tv shows to the toys we grew up with as kids and every adult we ever met is grooming and leading us to think that it Has to be this way. living life is: school, college or entry jobs, work, kids, family, and retirement. we are human beings, there is no cookie cutter way of living that can tell us the steps of our lives and there never should be. none of those steps are actual requirements, any or all of them can be important to certain people, or be the farthest from desired to others

consistent country or worldwide Events are keeping everyone in survival mode and scared and it does not help tempers or decision making

the state of wages and living costs are obscene right now, making it harder to live which makes it harder to live happily

it is still a debate whether or not climate change is real

it is still a debate whether drumpf is a horrible human being

it is still a debate if poc, and queers, and jews, and muslims, are people exactly the same as we are or if they are evil and lesser

it is still a debate whether wearing slutty clothes means you deserved it

it is still a debate whether abuse from a spouse is acceptable if you were 'crazy' enough or the abusing party is popular enough

it is still a debate if i should be legally allowed to abort a fetus that is already dead

it is still a debate if i would deserve food stamps or monetary help to raise a child if i was unemployed or injured

it is still a debate if my body is my own property

i could go on, anon. i could do this all day. because unfortunately with the way the world and this country in particular are, there is no shortage of reasons to not want to raise a child, even in general terms. (all the power to people who want and have them, i hope you have better luck than i would ever expect for mine, but any one of these reasons would be enough for me to be able to tell that: no, i would not be a suitable parent)

maybe get off your high horse about it and check your opinions against what's actually happening to the human beings around you

Do you know that new mothers secrete oxytocin when they are cuddling their newborn skin-to-skin? And even more so when they breastfeed? That creates the nurturing bond. We are mammals, after all. So saying that you know you would not be a suitable parent is quite wrong, since you have no idea how your body would adapt to such a primal bond. Most people do not put their newborns directly to their skin and 90% of mothers in western societies do not breastfeed their babies, therefore never establishing that bond in the first place. No wonder we as a society are so disconnected from our kids / parents.

you could buy me dinner first

[firemama]

Hey, Tumblr.

Sav’s 2022 saga of misfortune has come to a spike this fabulous May with a serious car issue. What makes this so bad, Sav? well... my only source of income, at this time, is that I am a delivery driver with shipt. Hard enough with the gas crisis- 5$ a fucking gallon- in orlando traffic, you might say. You’d be right.

I’ve got no savings; most of my money was burned through during a month long period of homelessness, a couple months of not being able to work due to being generally transient and out of town and thus out of my shipt metro and unable to even deliver for income, medical bills for an injury, moving and storage costs, and some other bullshit. I’ve got no savings, and i’m pushing debt on my credit card. And at this time, with my car in need of repair, I have no source of income and another bill.

So I am asking for donations, if anyone has something to spare, however small.

Patreon Paypal Kofi

If Donations arent your speed, or you would like something in exchange, I also do commisions. Moodboards for small cost donation/commissions as low as a dollar, and I also do art and writing commissions. Hit me up to talk about commissions if you’re interested. Some basic information about that is pinned to my blog, and my other blogs.

For those who are not familiar with Sav’s 2022 saga, the summary is:

Orlando/Florida major property tax increase. See: sudden rental cost hike. 1200 to 1300 will net you poorly managed slum lord apartment in orlando now. Our previous rent of roughly 1300 (which had been steadily increasing with every re-sign of the lease) suddenly jumped up to just shy of 1800, and would continue to climb with future extensions.

Preparations to move to new york for sibling’s school; see, also very fucking expensive, because im talking New York, New york. but its sib’s grad school, scholarship, gotta go, very important.

Just before moving time, a series of... events occured. Including but not limited to:

Major fall out with roommate (one of three tenants) which would result in one less person paying rent come renewal. With just me and the sib, never could afford to stay in our current house anyway. So, no going back, no resigning lease if New york falls though.

 Rather serious workplace injury to my dominant hand. At the time, thought, oh kind of serious- a deep injury to the knuckle joint that... i probably should have taken in to get stitches, but.. didnt, and instead just bandaged it up. “I cant afford medical bills right now” i said, unaware of a big storm coming.

My work, a few months prior to this, had every single Senior Manager quit in the span of a couple weeks for the entire franchise. This was a warning sign. At this point in time, it is much worse. For starters, I had been demoted from Manager to Assistant Manager and then to Associate again... because my Migraines had become worse (from stress because COVID and  the mail system and all the mangers left and xyz) and i could not keep the minimum 50, then 40 hours. Despite being demoted, and less pay, I was responsible for neigh all the managment responsibilities at my location because there was no one else. For 11$ an hour. And then all the other less-senior managers from other locations also quit, because no one was making more than the average Mcdonalds employee. Very bad, all around.

I had to submit my resignation anyway, because we had an out-of-state move coming. And I was already being paid less, and expecting to take on the work of more than one salaried job. But before I submitted my resignation?

(Tw, injury)After two-three weeks of excruciating pain despite the visible damage to my finger being healed, and no increase of motor function, and also a strange mishape to my finger. I finally filed for workers comp, belatedly, and went on down to an urgent care. The deep injury, if you’re curious, had been caused by a tape gun; specifically, a customer trying to grab the tapefun from my hands anddesimating my hand, most expressly my poor fucking finger joint. And upon xray at the urgent care, they found a metal tooth from the tape gun in my finger. more specifically in my finger joint. quite literally grinding against my bone. doing serious damage to my joint. (I am now legally allowed to complain about pain and no one is allowed to tell me im complaining too much. broken off sharp metal tooth in my finger for nearly three weeks.

Surgery, obviously, to remove the sharp foreign body from my hand. It was a very quick surgery, actually. But to the point, my workers comp covered most of the injury. Most. Not all. expensive, like I thought, and i definitely couldnt afford it. but necessary.

 And then we found out the ‘scholarship’ covered less than a 16th of the overall tuition to the gradschool in new york despite it’s title of ‘full ride scholarship’.

New york fell through, and we would not be able to keep our then-current lease.

so now we have less than two weeks to find a new place. And all of our research and propsects were in another state we cold not afford to live. we had no time, and due o afformentioned text increases, out prior 1200... just does not exist. not for sale anywhere. If it does, we ‘technically’ make too much to afford it, because our combined annual income if I ‘pretend’ to still work at UPS is too high for rent control. (the irony is that we could barely afford 1200-1300 and yet somehow rent control says we make too much money for it). If I say I do not work for ups, which I dont, because i quit... well we dont meet minimum income.

Mostly, we’re screwed!

4 days before must-be-out-of-house, we find one option. 1200$ 2 bedroom that will allow our two cats. We do a fast walkthrough, because we dont have any options anyway. Place has infestations twofold, the maintenance guy is trying to fix 12 different holes in the walls, and we cant test the power or water because it isnt on yet and we cant really wait. Front door locks, has AC, theres an on-site laundry facility, has working fridge, sold. We mostly only interact with property manager, who I did like quite a lot, and he assured us he will help fix the issues and can get the place ready by our frantic date.

I move into apartment with all of our stuff. We rapidly find several, several issues. No smoke detectors, window (ground floor) with no lock and two that can’t even close all the way. Both of those things, some of you may know... are illegal. It was not the only illegal aspects, such as one room being incredibly unventalated, most of the lights not working with no other light sources, occasional plume of smoke from the fuse box, and (this is in florida) no netting on the windows. Things that are not included in the ‘illegal’ list but still very much problems: hidden mold (did you KNOW it’s not illegal for landlords to rent a property with mold?), and other fucking stupid shit. The real  show stopper, however, was that the apartment’s payment portal malfunctioned. We paid them the deposit the rent, everything... and it paid it back to my sibs account.

This is when we meet the actual landlord. Who is insane. She is incapable of texting legibly, and is almost incomprehensible over the phone. She does not know the landlord laws- which is her only job as a landlord- which she showed by telling us it’s our responsibility to provide smoke detectors, for example. (no, that’s illegal). She tries to back up this claim by saying it is stated in the lease we will provide the smoke detectors. Which proves she cannot fucking read a lease, either, because it does not say that in the lease, it says we are obligated to provide batteries for pre existing smoke detectors, and even if she had written that into the lease... it would still be illegal. it breaks housing codes. like a lot of other shit. Her excuse to all these issues was “well this isnt luxury housing.” Our windows not locking and you meeting builing code, lady, is not luxury, it’s minimum.

This whole thing is summed up with her ignoring all these issues and demanding we pay her. I tell her we did, because we did, but the portal doesnt work. She says that isnt her responsiblity, pay her again and make it work. I am speechless. It does not matter if im speechless, of course, because she never lets you get a word in edgewise and will simply talk over you, but anyway.

Obviously, only option or not, we cant fucking stay in this apartment. Legally, we cannot, and if we play along despite that, we wave our rights. And im sure if we give her money, she will try to keep that fucking despoit and declare our rent non refundable or some shit. So we declare that she broke our lease (illegally) and that we’re going to leave as soon as possible. She threatens to call the police because we’re scamming her- as if we get anything out of this. could kill her and feel no remorse. she gave me a crazy stress migraine that was not relieved by excessive stress panic attack or crying. 

We break the lease. With nowhere to live, we put all our shit in storage. more costs we cant afford. Insues a month of having no home. I go out of town for a while and bum a guest bedroom. Sib stays with partner.

We spend most of that month looking for somewhere to live. I burn through savings with no source of income- cant deliver outside of my Metro zone for shipt, and other issues with delivery, and I wont be in one place long enough to apply to work anywhere. Spend money on storage, on moving trucks getting shit back and forth, on ‘non-refundable application fees’ and on medication for the cat, and on follow up appointments and medication and treatment for my fucking hand.

some fucking asshole backs into my car on easter sunday. Not once- no, he backed into my car and then paused. surprised he is no longer backing up. tries to back up again, continuing to back into my car he is already hitting. pulls forward a little. backs up again. slightly louder crunch and this time he realizes what he’s done. Mind you i am on the fucking sidewalk less than 6 feet away from my car, walking to it, about to get into it. He looks me dead in the face and tries to leave the scene despite me trying to flag him down. Only stops because someone stepped out into the road in front of his fucking truck to stop him. Is drunk. fights insurance trading like hell. Takes about an hour to get it from him on threat of the cops.

ensues, while without home, an exausting insurance battle. drunk guy tries to claim the damage was prexisting. I have witnesses, and I also have a fucking picture of the back of his truck with pieces of my car stuck in his bumper. Eventually he gives up, and I spend stupid amount of time conversing with car insurance. My car is old. and it is also a saturn, which is a company that no longer exists. It is also not technically one saturn, but two saturns franken-steined together with different parts of two older saturns. Obviously, despite the damage being cosmetic, they want to declare my car totaled. not-drivable. Obvious unacceptable, nd even if i did, the value on my car is shotty and i’ll get nothing from them for it. dribble car is much more valauble. but because it’s cosmetic damage, on an old ass already costmetically ugly car... basically zip on pay out. not even enough to get the specific cosmetic damage fixed.

Hardly fucking matters, because the check... is now being held by the bank. When will i be allowed to have it? they dont know yet.

Technically, my fucking car isn’t okay to be driven yet. I have to wait on a new title to be delivered, take it to a dmv to be inspected and declared drivable, hope to god it passes, and then pay them for all this shit. The check, if i ever get it, will probably fucking pay for that. *thank god for insurance.* so glad i pay them for this. I will have a car that is not repaired and no money to repair it with. fuck. At least it’s mostly cosmetic, except for my slightly warped gas tank hatch that is now a struggle to get open.

We find an apartment. This is great. We have a place to live.

This means more moving fees.

so we’re back in orlando. I have no savings left. I have a bit of credit card debt I cant pay off, and we still need some essential shit to buy for this place. but hey, we’re not homeless. Place isnt perfect yet- has rats, might have roaches, neighbors are wild and loud, pretty sure theres an active drug dealer based on the weird activity in the parking lot at all hours day and night.

but we’re not homeless. and im back in my metro, so i can deliver, so I have a source of income again. Everything will be fine.

Check is still being withheld. car is still technically not supposed to be drivable. this is fine. I will make enough money to survive this month, wrack up a little bit more debt on the essentials we need, but thisll be fine for a month or two until better work... good thing i can still deliver.

Lived here for a week. Sibling’s car breaks down and needs repairs. uh oh!

The day we get my sibling’s car back from the mechanic’s? today? today?  Obviously, my car breaks down. Obviously. fuck.

There’s more. This is a mostly abridged highlight. Other details- such as the fact that I had to borrow money from someone to get even this far, and my very old cat needing a vet visit that i just cant fucking afford yet- are all involved. My hand still has poor mobility- yesterday someone commented “I thought you were right handed” because they noticed i dont use it to do things like pop the fucking water pressure cap off my car engine to refill it’s leaky collant tank. Our current fridge may or may not be cool enough to store dairy in, we arent sure yet. we still need to buy a fucking dryer, we dont have a means to wash/dry clothes yet, and I dont own a lot of clothing so I’ve been stretching one outfit over a week.

Look, 2022 is fucking killing me. At this point I need roughly 6000$ to magically make it out of may without debts in three different places. Obvious not feasible, and it would still put me out roughly nuetral with no money. So... whatever I can get. Preferable enough to get the fucking car fixed so i have income. And then hopefully rent so we don't end up homeless again and with an eviction on our record.

If you read all this, please. Even if you dont wanna donate for nothing in return, it’s literally only a dollar to commission a cute little mood board.

[1apple-fox1]

card technology and how LDS basically owns the market on not only real solid vision systems but also cards

this is gonna be a wordy post and i apologize in advance. ok first off i just wanna say i am probably the only person who thinks about this shit but i find world stuff and the like interesting to think about. call me obsessed, idc, ive watched arc v 5 times and i just really wanna share this.

it is canon that standard did not start with the other summoning methods, that they are relatively new. we arent ever told what cards are made out of specifically- but considering past shows and their connection to spirits we can assume they arent just simply cards. EX- gx and the crystal beast cards being made from actual gems.

for arc v, id say its the ‘energy signature’ of a card. reiji is shown to have technology that is able to read energy and also tell what kind of energy it is. He also uses a machine to copy pendulum monster cards and they are similar to the originals but not exactly the same. so either the ‘energy’ is the monster spirit itself, or its the magic nonsense that allows it to summon said spirit. either way- a card is not simple to make in the universe.

so that begs the question- how did LDS manage to get the other summoning methods?

well its shown that LDS actually has dimension hopping technology, though it seems rough and unfinished, i have no doubt reiji tried to use it again after his initial teleport to academia. whether he went there physically or not idk, but i theorize he was able to capture or hone in on the cards of those dimensions and copy them the same way he copied yuyas pendulum monsters.

except the LDS fusion/xyz/synchro cards are all weaker than the originals because he probably had limited data.

for fusion its easy to back this up since, anyone from standard who uses fusion doesnt actually use a regular ‘polymerization’ card- because reiji wasnt able to copy it one for one... (your probably thinking- what about kachidoki? well ill get back to that)

Even other characters like yuya, yuzu, and reiji himself are shown to not actually be able to use ‘polymerization’ more than once. standard users who have fusion monsters rely on other methods such as deck themed fusion cards, monster effects, or in the case of reiji: contract cards

this extends to the other methods too but in more subtle ways. hokuto is only able to xyz summon after changing his monsters levels, yaiba can only synchro summon using effects that treat monsters like tuners (both him and gon only have one tuner in their decks at the start) you could also argue that the fact they are missing ‘rank up’ cards or any support magic cards for synchro monsters as another way in which standard made xyz/synchro are weaker.

so- where the fuck am i going with this? well LDS is shown to be the only thing with access to these other cards. its not clear, but it looks like using the method can take a toll on the users body and i do not know if thats a matter of energy needed to summon a monster and having to train ones body or what but-

these cards are not easy to make, and there are limited copies in stock.

other summoning method cards are expensive to buy in standard. why am i saying this? well one- yu show duel school is shown to not have access to any, shuzo himself says hes never used the cards, and its possible that its because he cant afford it. none of the other schools in the tournament use other summoning methods. that is except...

kachidoki and his school.

not only that, but they also have a regular ‘polymerization’ card. your probably thinking this is where all this falls apart. but think about it- ryozanpaku is shown to be probably the second most popular and highest grossing duel school. its not a stretch to think they PAID LDS a hefty sum of money for their own stock of cards. and what did LDS give them? their first copies of the ‘polymerization’ cards. they are weaker but relatively work the same- but most of the students still rely on it AND monster effects.

but if thats the case- if these cards cost so much and only LDS has access to them... not only do they now own that market, theyve basically created a huge gap and money cap for players of the game in standard. people arent gonna wanna go to a duel school that does not have the means to teach them these other methods of play. standard summoning becomes a laughing stock- no one can win with just standard summoning! duel schools start going out of business because they simply lack students. LDS and only a FEW other schools remain and all of them focus on those methods- not standard summoning...

LDS has complete and total control of the market.

of course arc v doesnt show us if anywhere else in the standard dimension has this tech but if we’ve seen anything from reira- its quite likely japan is the most advanced in this field, as weapons and cards seem to go hand in hand because of their innate power to destroy... ANYWAYS

what does this mean for the game in standard? well if things kept going how they were its quite possible the level of entry into the game becomes so high that you have to be born with privilege to even have a chance at grabbing a spot and not being immediately kicked out.

but something more interesting- and the real like theory part i guess is... when something becomes too expensive to get- ppl start making knock offs. people start making fake cards, some of them work on the duel disk- others do not, but the older the card the easier to copy and cheat the duel disk code. suddenly theres a bunch of copies of strong ishijimas cards, or even yusho’s cards. (thats how the bully managed to make an exact replica of strong ishijimas deck)

theres just a group of people now who just dont even use duel disk and just play on mats- denounce the new summoning method and actively hate what the game has become- but its still seen as lesser... and still other methods cannot be copied.

theres no real end to this theory beyond the fact that this shit is kinda messed up and mirrors shit in our world to an eerie point but like... uh i hope you enjoyed this? i like thinking of the game duel monsters in the world of arc v instead of the normal ass card game that it is irl so-- uh yeah pls tell me what you think about this and add on to it if you have something to share! sorry for the long post--

[pumpumdemsugah]

how did you find getting assessed privately for adhd re waiting times/cost/what doctors were like? i’ve been thinking about going private bc i got put on a 2 year waiting list for nhs services pre covid and am assuming it’ll now be 5 lol

its soooo quick. I used the psychiatry UK site. their service is online anyway so waiting time isn’t an issue. they have a page explaining all the charges which are all up front. i could afford that but i would of preferred to split it lol

I was suppose to get assessed last sunday but due to having spaghetti brain i missed something in the email and didn’t see the assessment papers but they don’t charge for rescheduling and were really understanding. You pick the doctor you want to assess you so look at who they have available. The receptionists i spoke to when i called different times were lovely and made me feel like i wasn’t dumb. I tried to do this all online but it wasn’t loading for me so i ended up calling. I also used my phone camera for the assessment because my laptop apparently didn’t have the bandwidth to do that lol. At the end of the assessment the doctor will ask for ID, i used my passport 

you have to pay £360 for the assessment up front  and if you run over for time you have to pay for that but even with the amount i speak the 1 hour was enough. you have to pay another fee for when you get your medication prescription a week later and i think thats like £150 and the medication is like £25 to something i don’t remember  but basically its not cheap but after 6 to 8 weeks you go on a shared care plan and get your meds through the NHS and pay the NHS price which i cant wait for because all these fees made me feel like i was in America

There are other private routes but i’ve been told its more expensive than psychiatry UK and with it being online, you basically wait long if you don’t have the money. The written assessment was a bit of a nightmare and i hated doing it. You get 2 assessments for yourself ( one is just a tick box the other is written ) , you get one to give to someone who knows you that can write examples but most of the examples are work and school related so having someone who knew you in those context would help ( i didn’t have anyone that did that but my long time friend did her best to help with what she knows about me ) and then you have a form about if you have heart issues, a consent form and they will ask for your weight and blood pressure because the meds can cause heart issue if you have heart problems and can cause weight loss mostly in children so i guess they want to check you aren’t underweight

On the NHS my GP straight told me you don’t have it and was rude and then another GP basically told me no but nicer lol. basically if you don’t have a GP that doesn’t understand adhd you’re fucked. 

BUT you have the right to get your GP to refer you to psychiatry UK to assess you so if your GP is on your side or you can convince your GP that you’re already on the waiting list can you use your right to choose to have psychiatry UK assess you. that 2 years waiting list can be shortened to maybe a few months or weeks and you’ll have a service that’s use to dealing with adults

Good Luck 

[dumb-naive-bitch]

I'm kind of really glad that nobody reads this page of mine anymore, so then I can vent to myself about how I'm truly feeling at this moment, and put it into words without being judged or told to stop complaining.

I know 2020 has been rough for a lot of people, but its extra hard on us who thought every other year was rough to begin with. Im sick of waking up every day knowing I have to go through the same fucking motions over and over and feeling like my life is going nowhere and yet I'm just getting older, fatter, uglier, etc. Its depressing on top of my depression. It doesn't matter if you have a decent job in this day and age because you still won't be able to afford shit. You won't be able to live in a house or apartment by yourself unless you want to be mortgage/rent poor. Im going to school and I dont even fucking want to because what's the point? If you don't have a doctorate, you once again wont be able to afford shit even after you have a degree. Im over 70 thousand in student loan debt and I have absolutely nothing to show for it, with roughly 30 to 40 thousand more to go to get a basic degree that will probably increase my current pay by 5 dollars an hour maximum. How fucking exciting and motivating is that? Like what is the point of living if you can't afford to do anything or have anything despite working hard for years and years? I'm honestly so over this fucking mundane every day bullshit that has no purpose because why even bother staying alive to not be happy? I dont know what is more annoying then people saying "money can't buy you happiness" because I would slap the fuck out of that person right now. Money would keep me from wondering if I'm going to be able to pay my car payment, or the 10 credit cards I racked up because buying small things like clothes/shoes is one of the only things that makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to. Other than that, I have my dogs which I would die for, but honestly that causes me more stress and anxiety than I ever care to admit.

Its exhausting feeling trapped in a mind full of stress and worry and no light at the end of the tunnel because no circumstance in my life can ever change drastically enough to erase the despair that has become my reality. Ten plus years of major depressive disorder and anxiety with no relief because of once again not being able to afford the proper resources to get better, well that just sounds like a full circle, never-ending fuck of a life doesn't it? People out there who have it good just say shit like "start over," "find what you like to do," "get a different job," like how does any of that sound possible when you have no money to do any of those things? I'm so tired of everything being hard for me. Every fucking thing in my life is hard, yet other people get everything handed to them. Why? Do I want everything handed to me, fuck no. I rarely take help when offered because I'm not a charity case. I want my hard work to pay off, but you cannot get ahead in a society such as ours because everything costs so fucking much that you have to pick and choose between necessities. So basically, as a lower-middle class citizen its impossible for me to be happy and also live within my means, and in SC I make more than double minimum wage. How the hell to people who only make that afford to live? Or have anything nice? They will never be able to be independent, because affording housing for yourself with that salary is damn near impossible.

This short release of emotions I had planned in my head turned into a much longer bitchfest then I intended, but its just hard to go to bed every night knowing I'm still going to be me when I wake up. I truly cannot do it anymore. Im also so sick of worrying about how others will feel if I just die. They never say "I understand it must be hard for you to have to live like this every day, so I respect your decision because it is your life." Nope, they say shit like "just think how I would feel, or how so and so would feel if you were gone." Like why am I the selfish one in this situation? Because I don't want this life for myself? So fucking sorry your lives are so fucking great that you couldn't possibly see this through my eyes. No amount of telling someone how you feel is going to change how bad they truly want to hear it. Sick of trying to explain my feelings to people who don't really care to hear it, and definitely not understand it. Probably why I need a therapist. Oh wait, can't afford one so I will continue to suffer within my own thoughts and feelings.

They wonder why suicide is so fucking common among young people. Like do you see what we have to deal with? Besides the topics I mentioned previously, what about constantly seeing celebrities flash their endless shiny and fancy shit all over social media and the instgram models making you hate your fucking self for wanting to eat. Don't follow them? It doesn't matter if you do or don't because you will see it in ads or on one of your friend's pages anyway. You basically need to live off grid, grow your own food, live in a cabin in the woods without any form of media or form of entertainment whatsoever to rid that shit of your life. I also do not want that, so here I am yet again stuck again. Pitty me, pitty me hey? I dont have it that bad people will say. I have somewhere to live, a car, a job, blah blah blah. Like they know a single fuck about what races through my head all day every day. The stress, the feeling of failure, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being trapped, the feeling of whats going on behind my back in my relationship, the feeling of why don't I have the motivation to do my school work, or finish the 5 projects I started, or go for a walk or run, or workout, or eat better, or want to do anything other than sit on my fucking couch and watch TV while my brain continues to race subcontiously, or why the fuck I cant just be happy? It's because not everyone is satisfied with the "simpler things in life." I want to be able to have options in my life. Like if I see something I want thats going to make me happy, I want to be able to buy it. I want to be able to go and travel to do it. I want to be able to relax and not have to worry if I buy or do that thing am I going to be able to pay my bills or buy food. Its debilitating for me. I am controlled by this disease that never lets my mind rest or be happy. Life is simply not worth living if it has to be this hard every day with no sign of a possibility to be better because of the circumstances I have been exposed to. You can't change certain things no matter what and those are things that im not willing to live with anymore. Im suffering and thats not what I want for myself. I want it gone, and for me I only have one option and I'm okay with it. I've been okay with it for over a decade now and that's never going to change. Period.

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Cheating

** Cheating when they're in a relationship with someone else ** One of them cheats when Isak and Even are together 😞   ** Others: Cheating with a twist, or emotional cheating, or they didn't cheat but was cheated on.   ** Bonus: Lighter fics

***** CHEAT ON SOMEONE ELSE *****

We Can't Keep Doing This by neelabrenner (563 words) - Isak and Even are in their thirties. They love each other deeply, and they are married - but not to each other. Life keeps bringing them together, and they let themselves be lead.

Worth it by ForEvenAndEver (yuraxchan) (842 words) - Love is always worth it, no matter what.

bruise by evak1isak (1.5k words) - Isak is not out in high school. However, this doesn't prevent him from getting a boyfriend. A boyfriend, who, in theory, is in a relationship with a girl.

Artificial and Colored by stormboxx (1.5k words) - Even and Isak stay in the room for the whole day. Well, almost. Right after the scene 'Hjernen er alene' ('The brain is alone')

Neon Party: Redux by givemesumaurgravy (1.7k words) - what if Noora didn’t come home and interrupt our lovely babies the night of the neon party when they almost kissed in the kitchen?

We're something she can't see by suckmyboardbxtch (1.8k words) - Even and Isak have a little place where they can meet and fall in love with each other, even though Isak is Even's second.

whose world is this by withoutwords (1.8k words) - It’s the same Isak who does his own laundry, and cooks his own dinner, and calls his dad for money. But now he kisses boys.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. by withoutwords (2.2k words) - The walk back to school is long. His head and his feet and his bag feel heavier, and his skin burns with the thought of people staring. Strangers and students and friends all staring, like he has it printed big and bold across his forehead. Homo. Home Wrecker. Loser.

Home by endlessandinfinite (2.8k words) - Isak tastes like happiness. Even tastes like trouble. These are the moments that matter. These are the moments they live for. And Isak is home.

never make him (love me) by eliottlallemants (14k words) - Isak is in love with Even. Even isn't in love with Isak. Or so Even thinks.

If You're Under Him [You Ain't Getting Over Him] by givemesumaurgravy (SERIES, 4 fics) (15k words) - Isak Valtersen is happy. He's finally starting his surgical rotation at the hospital where he hopes to work someday and he's happily married to his best friend. But then Isak meets Even, the intriguing new barista where he gets his daily coffee.

After Hours by rokklagio (SERIES, 5 fics) (15k words) - Even was a habit he just couldn't quit. Set ten years later.

I’ll Love You Forever by shk_1991 (16k words) - Isak and Chris are young and in love in their early 20's, they are going to get married and got their long life in front of them. But then it goes wrong and suddenly all their dreams are gone. Not only for Isak and Chris but also for Sonja and Even. Sonja and Even are in their late 30’s and live in a happy marriage with three children. Their marriage is put to the test when Even falls in love with Isak. The question is whether Even and Isak are ready to give up everything for their love.

You'll Kill Me If You Stop by photographer_of_thoughts (22k words) - Isak decides to go and see the film 'Call Me By Your Name' because he can't turn off his own feelings that have been building for a long time now. He thinks he won't see anyone he knows there because this isn't the kind of film his friends or anyone from Nissen would appreciate. But then he sits next to Even, who is also seeing the film alone.

don't you keep it all to yourself by colazitron (24k words) - AU in which Even didn't need to repeat his last year and instead started working at the coffeeshop Isak passes on his way to school every morning.

A Force of Nature by Laika_the_husband (30k words) - In this story Isak Valtersen is a cheating bastard. He will hurt his wife, his lover and himself in the process.

The Workings of Love by endlessandinfinite (36k words) - “So, you’re in love with me.” Isak nods. “And you’re in love with him.” Isak nods. Jonas laughs humorlessly again.

Legitimate Expectations by champagneleftie (57k words) - It's a good time to be Isak Valtersen. The up-and-coming Norwegian authority on matters of freedom of press, several Supreme Court wins already on his resume - and still barely thirty. He's carved out a place in the world that he never thought he'd reach, but sometimes that place just feels a little too small and rigid. Enter Even.

Only You Can Ease My Mind by martls (85k words) - Or the alternate universe where Isak meets Even at the psychiatric hospital his mom was admitted.

***** CHEAT ON EACH OTHER  😞 *****

all my tears have been used up by wolfsbanex (707 words) - He'd lost the only part of his life that made it worth living because of a couple random fucks. How ridiculous.  

When We Were Young by thoughtsafterdark (2k words) - Even and Isak broke up 10 years ago. Isak had just gotten back from New York and his friend Magnus is throwing him a welcome home party. Isak had said specifically NOT to invite Even and Magnus still did.

Liars by endlessandinfinite (3.5k words) - They’re okay. They’re beautiful and tragic and out of control. They lie and cheat - living with broken hearts. But this is it. This is their life.

I can hear your heart crying out for me by Skamtrash (6.1k words) - Isak never thought one intoxicated experience could fuck his life up so much. Isak cheats on Even.

Shatter Me by givemesumaurgravy (6.6k words) - “I’m not going to yell or any of that. I’m just going to make this really fucking awkward and uncomfortable for you.” “W-what?” Even says, sniffling. “I want you to tell me everything that happened,” Isak says.

look how fast the night changes by Skamtrash (7.3k words) - Isak cheats on Even, there's no alcohol, no intoxication. Just a seriously stupid decision.

Im So In Love I Dont Know What To Do by Skamtrash (9.5k words) - Even screwed up when he was drunk and cant hold out from telling Isak any longer.

If It Makes You Happy (Modern Boys part two) by Laika_the_husband (41k words) - Part 2 of Modern Boys series. You should totally read part 1 before this. Set in the 90s. Isak is torn between familiar but unattainable Jonas and dangerous but perfect Even.

Love is a battlefield by Minutebyminute (56k words) - Isak and Even have been drifting apart for a long time. Love conquers all. Love defeats all. Sometimes love pulls you apart. Sometimes for a period in time, sometimes forever. And sometimes love is a battlefield.

All Stories Are Echoes by sebastianL (felix_atticus) (123k words) - This is about potential--realized or not--memory, bravery, movies, accidents, and the nature of stories. Also love, because what other kind of story could it be?

***** OTHERS *****

The lie I didn’t have to tell. by verlore_poplap (orphan_account) (925 words) - Isak has an adultery kink that Even is happy to oblige.

Just This Once by writeawaydays (3.1k words) - Isak finds out his boyfriend has been cheating on him, so he invites the cute guy that's been watching him at school up to his apartment looking for rebound sex.  

The Boy Who Likes Isak's Smile by wyoheartsmusic (7.6k words) - Isak is heartbroken and there is a boy who is very determined to make him smile.

Lyrics and Life by Midlifecrisis (7.9k words) - Not sure how to describe this one. Established relationship. Cheating and not cheating? They are very much in love.

Just not right now by cuteandtwisted (8.1k words) - No cheating but maybe emotional cheating? Ish? "You can't... We can't.. It's not right." Isak settles into an unhealthy longterm relationship with his busy lawyer boyfriend and convinces himself that happiness is not for him. Enter his boyfriend's childhood friend: Even.

I Dare You to Love Me by photographer_of_thoughts (8.4k words) - Isak and Even do not meet in high school but they do meet at Isak's wedding...to someone else. But there's no cheating.  based on the movie "Imagine Me and You"

(WIP) On the Edge of the Night by Laika_the_husband - So this is a complicated one. This story will explore Isak, Jonas and Even from high school to adulthood. There will be no good people here. Nor bad people. Just people. Every protagonist is also an antagonist, and themselves are their greatest enemies.

something sweet (to mend your heart) by cuteandtwisted (22k words) - In which Isak becomes jaded after he gets cheated on and copes using sarcasm and humor. He's determined to end the school year without drama and avoids his ex and all his awful friends at all costs. Well, all of them except maybe half-decent Even Bech Næsheim, who's somehow determined to earn his friendship and fix his heart.

Self Control by nofeartina (28k words) - “I never meant to hurt you, Isak.” Without any pause Isak replies, “Well, you did.” He looks him in the eyes, and continues. “You fucked me up, Even." 10 years later Even comes back to Oslo and Isak has a boyfriend. No cheating but maybe some emotional cheating. Kinda.

Reflections by Laika_the_husband (30k words) - Isak and Even break up and Isak gets a new boyfriend. But Even is very much still in the picture.

No day without it by skambition (32k words) - His hair was a little shorter than Even was used to, and his face had gotten even more beautiful over the last 10 years. The same amazing cheek bones, the same cute little nose, the same flawless, pale skin. And his lips. Those goddamn lips. They brought back memories that Even had tried to forget about for like 10 years now, memories of laughing, smiling, kissing.

and this mist, it makes it hard to see by vesperthine (36k words) - Emotional cheating mostly. In a way, it was escapism. In others, not so much. But Even has only been there for three months when Isak shows up. And it makes a mess out of everything, while other things settle into place.

what i like about you by cammm (44k words) - Insane infatuations turns into a short lived mutual distaste. Until that mutual distaste quickly shifts into something more. Isak has a boyfriend.

Minute by Minute by Lisa94 (56k words) - Isak is angry at the world after his ex Julian cheated on him. But he can´t escape his life or his ex. He needs the help of his friends to find to himself again. (Basically Isak going through the five stages after a break-up)

(WIP) I Can Hardly Breathe by Flatfootmonster - In this universe, Even and Sonja married, so I shouldn't really need to tag infidelity as it is implied (but who is being unfaithful? *dramatic drum roll*)

The Weight Of Us by verlore_poplap (orphan_account) (81k words) - I believe this is a complicated one. It's been a long time since I read it. Isak gets engaged to Emma. Even is married to Sonja. And then a bunch of things happen. Even's sister has cancer

Twice by intothewind (101k words) - Kinda with a twist but also not (shrug emoji). “I told them we were dating, so they’d let me in their band.” Jonas states, shrugging his shoulders like it’s the most nonchalant thing in the world.

***** BONUS *****

FIFA madness by Bellakitse (1.4k words) - Even and Isak are playing FIFA, when Even questions Isak's awesomeness at playing the game. Isak is going to prove him wrong, or he would if Even could keep his hands to himself.

That was cheating by yourfriendlyneighbourhoodme (1.4k words) - As part of Kose group's team building, Isak finds himself dragged on a Laser Tag trip which turns out to be more exciting than he hoped, thanks but no thanks to a certain Even Bech Næsheim.

this is what it's like to be lovers by moonlightphan (4.1k words) - where Isak and Even have a conversation about micro-cheating, and their boundaries.

[bang-bangtan-boys]

Proposal

{Yoongi x M! Reader}

Warnings: none

Summary: Can I request male reader proposing to bts ( or only Yoongi) pls???? Thankssssss

Sry for taking so long to get this out :/

You held the small box close to your chest, looking over your outfit in the mirror. Yoongi was waiting outside the door for you, also suited up. Neither of you wore ties, deciding that even though this was a formal date, it was also just you two, so it didn’t matter. ‘Except it does matter,’ you thought to yourself, ‘Everything matters today…’ you eyes the [f/c] tie on the counter, before moving you gaze to the door to open it. The box had made its way to your back pocket as you flashed Yoongi a smile. “Let’s go?” You asked. He nodded, holding his hand out lazily for you to hold. You did so, and began pulling him with you.

Yoongi slid into the passenger's seat as you did with the driver's seat. It was better this way, since your car wasn’t big and pure ivory black like the ones Yoongi had to ride in. But that was only as a member of BTS. Right now, he was Min Yoon Gi, and he was with you…

Yoongi rested his head against the window, eyes closing as the hum of the car lulled him to relaxation. You wondered if he was asleep, seeing as he didn’t snore or anything. When you made it to the fancy restaurant, you lightly shook him. “Hyung, we’re here,” you said to him, and he groaned. He rubbed his eyes and looked at you, giving a barely noticeable smile and walked out, grasping your hand gently before letting it go. His other hand went into his blazer pocket, and he walked to the front. You opened the door for him, entering the beautifully lit area after him. Yoongi looked around, eyes showing childish awe while the rest of his face held its usual bored, dead expression. You had reserved a seat for the both of you yourself with the money you earned from your small job. Yoongi was proud of you, and he’d made it his goal to stress it to you. You turned to him, smiling, “They’re going to take a few minutes to clean the table, we have to wait a bit.”

Yoongi nodded, sitting on one of the cushion couches while you sat in the one across from him. That was strange; why didn’t you sit next to him? There was a seat right there, so why didn’t you take it? He frowned, a small pout playing to his lips. Now that he noticed it, you were rather fidgety and nervous, constantly rubbing your hands against your clothed knees. He moved seats to sit next to you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder. You blushed, letting out a cough, “Hyung, w-what are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing? Hugging my boyfriend, that’s what I’m doing…”

“But Hyung, we’re in public- your reputation-”

“Fuck my reputation… actually, just fuck me.”

“Hyung-“

“Shut up and hug me back, idiot.”

You returned the gesture seconds after, placing your head on his head and your arms around his slim waist. You may have been younger, but both your build and your height made everyone think Yoongi was at least five years younger than you. Yoongi minded at first, saying he ‘wasn’t that short’ and ‘had hit puberty first, meaning his voice was deeper and he was older’, but everyone just skimmed over that and continued their assumptions anyway.

After a few minutes, a waiter called you over. You had hooked Yoongi’s arm under yours as you walked, separating so you could sit across from each other. You hadn’t made much conversation aside from asking what other thought was good on the menu. Once your order was done, you let the water take your menus. Yoongi then rested his cheek on his hand, the other hand moving to feel his first arm as he looked at you, “You know, this type of thing isn’t really how I’d spent a Saturday night…” he started, and your heart dropped. He continued, “But… I’m proud of you. I know you worked really hard to afford a reservation here and I applaud you for that.” He gave a sweet smile, “I have a wonderful, handsome, hard working boyfriend to call my own.”

“Hyung…” you whimpered, wiping your slightly tears eyes. Yoongi perked up, “Ah- shit… i didnt mean to make you cry.” He reached over to get a napkin to wipe your face, but you just waved your hand dismissively, “No I’m- I’m fine. It’s okay, Hyung… I’m fine…” Yoongi nodded, placing the cloth back to its original spot. You composed yourself before the waiter came with your food. You stood up, looking at Yoongi, “I need to use the bathroom.” Yoongi nodded, sipping a glass of water.

You pulled the waiter with you- BamBam, read the name tag- and you spoke to him, “Sir, if you could please dim the lights at around-” you checked your watch, “- 9.30, and get your musicians to play something for me? I am about to propose to the man across from me-” you prayed he wouldn’t throw you two out for being homosexuals, “and it’s really nerve wracking for me and i just want everything to be perfect. Oh god, what if he says no? Oh Jesus, lord, dear god. I’m burnt toast…” you continued to rant softly to yourself, before a hand on your shoulder snapped you out of your thoughts. It was the waiter, “You’ll be fine, sir. I’ll ask the band and see if the chefs can arrange the lights for you. I understand, you’ll be alright.” The comfort helped you, and you relaxed, smiling gently. “Thank you,” you said simply, planning on giving him your entire next paycheck to him as a tip for being so generous.

You came back, smiling brightly as you were unable to contain it, “Hey Hyung!” Yoongi cocked an eyebrow, swallowing the food in his mouth, “Was your pee trip so good you feel the need to be all sunny?” You shook your head, a flustered expression on your face now instead. “Hyung! You’re so loud!”

“I can be louder if you want… like-” his voice lowered, and you sat down, leaning closer to hear what he had to say, “Like when you’re pounding into me so hard i can see the whole universe, or when you tease me so much i cant stand it and i feel like I’m on cloud nine. Or when-”

“Okay!” You interjected, voice cracking slightly as you gained the attention of those around you, “That’s enough, thank you!”

Your food was devoured rather quickly and you sat there, searching for the mop of red hair that belonged to your assistant in this ‘operation’. When you spotted him, he flashed you a smile and gave a thumbs up. Earlier, you had given him music sheets you had in your back pocket. It was a self written piece of sheet music from ‘Save Me’, a much more soft tone to it instead of the usual upbeat one. The musicians had it in front of them, and they began playing. Yoongi perked up instantly at the song, remembering it quite quickly. He looked around, wondering if anyone had noticed him, before gasping. “You ,” he said, almost accusingly, but you knew it was actually excitement, “You did that, didn’t you. Why?” You giggled, watching as the lights dimmed. This gathered everyone’s attention, and they looked around, probably wondering the worst case scenario. Yoongi stared at you, waiting for an answer. BamBam gave you a Bigger smile, using both hands to give you a thumbs up. You nodded, and Yoongi looked behind him. When he looked back forward, you were kneeling before him. The box was opened to reveal the pretty blue-ish white diamond adorned on a silver ring. Yoongi gasped at the sight; the ring was truly beautiful.

“Min Yoon Gi,” you began, and some people gasped at the name, “You have offered me nothing but kindness- of course, aside from the first years of elementary, where you shoved bulgogi down my shirt and i was forced to go home. You were lucky, and only got a detention for ruining my Captain America shirt,” you chuckled, and Yoongi did too, but he still felt bad about it, “When I saw you again, you had already graduated high school. The only reason i saw you again was because you came back to help clean the lockers. Who knew I’d have your old one?” Yoongi scoffed, arms crossing while his left leg rested on top of his right thigh. He smirked, eyeing you to continue, “Since then, we’ve grown closer throughout friendship. Eventually, it turned to liking and then loving each other. Somewhere down the line, I dont know how.” Some people chuckled, others murmured amongst themselves. “Either way,” you continued, “Nothing I say can make you want to, but- somewhat like i said all those years ago- would you maybe consider marrying me?” Your head tilted, and Yoongi couldn’t help but compare you to a dog, and he chuckled. Your heart sank as he shook his head, as if he were disapproving you. You dropped your arms slightly, shoulers sinking as you looked down. The music had stopped playing, and more chattering could be heard in the background.

“You idiot,” Yoongi said, leaning forward to lift your chin, “Of course i would.” You let out a sigh of relief, smiling. Tears began to flow down your cheeks and Yoongi wiped them away with his thumbs. “Aish, dont cry,” he said, “you kid…” you nodded, standing up now and towering over his smaller frame. You tried to put the ring on his finger, but you shook too much, so Yoongi did it for you. He sighed, taking your cheeks and kissing you, you wrapped your arms around him and some people cheered. Others began to pack their things and leave. BamBam walked up to you two to congratulate you, opening a party popper to celebrate. “Meal’s on me,” he said, laughing gently while Yoongi tried to remove the strings in his hair. You chuckled, “That wont be necessary, I-”

“Are you kidding? That was the cutest shit I have ever seen,” he said, “Don’t even bother. That ring looks expensive, might as well not trouble you more, right?” You shook your head, “That meal would cost you an arm and a leg, its fine. Really-”

Yoongi sighed, taking his wallet and pulling out a 100 dollar bill. ‘Wow,’ you thought, ‘what a flex…’

“To pay for our meal. Keep the change for yourself, ‘kay? Buy something nice or something,” he pat BamBam’s cheek softly, turning to walk with you back to your car. You did so, tripping over yourself a few times. Yoongi pulled the keys out of your pocket once you got outside, giving them to your hands, “You drive by my directions, okay?” He said. You whined, “But i wanna go hoooome~” Yoongi shook his head, “You gave me a wonderful surprise, now its time for me to return the favor.”

You drove based on his instructions, realizing you were going to the BigHit Studio. You gave Yoongi a confused face, “Wha- why are we here?” He shook his head, taking you arm and leading you to his ‘Genius Lab’. You followed suit, and he shoved you against the couch as soon as you entered. You fell back with an ‘oof’, and Yoongi sat on top of you, blazer removed as he began grinding down against you. “Wha- Yoongi-”

“Face it,” he said breathlessly, “Two guys in South Korea cant get officially married. So,” he leaned down to your ear, panting against it as he chuckled, “Might as well make this our first night as husbands, right? What better than exploring each other?”

You two had fun that night, lets say that...

[hobgobbin]

local trans lad cannot feasibly pay his rent

I’m so fucking tired of begging for money but this is such a ridiculous amount that I won’t be able to pay for on my own, and idk if I can (or want to) take out another loan to pay for it, and i literally wanna kill myself from everything thats happened in the past 2 days

I won’t be able to afford my rent for next month because:

I didn’t get shit for my last paycheck, and I won’t be getting much for my next one because I cant work for a whole week (spring break, my job literally isn’t open)

I went to a friend’s out of state for 2 days and it costed WAY more than expected

I lost my fucking keys and it costs an extra $135 that I don’t have to replace them, due on the same day as rent

With my rent, phone card, lost keys, and electricity bill I have to find a total of $740 by the 15th of April

 if I work normally I’ll only be able to make $480, which wont even pay for my NORMAL rent, and I can’t really pick up a lot of shifts because I have a HUGE class project and a ton of hw im gonna have to do and I need time to do them

I’ll try to draw for you if you donate but I also have a huge backlog of commissions and owed art and it’s already gonna take me all break to get those done, and I won’t have a ton of time afterwards, again bc of school projects and hw. As long as you don’t mind waiting for awhile I will draw stuff if you donate though

and again, I can only possibly achieve $480 out of $740 by the time all of this is due, and thats not even including money for food and other supplies

ko-fi: draemoryn

paypal . me: drakeperk

CHECK REBLOGS FOR ACTUAL LINKS

[heliopheia]

i fucking hate straight haired people who are like “omg hahah i wish i had curls omg lol you always want what you dont have ((:” like. no. you have to wash your hair more frequently, oh boohoo. do you know how much it hurts just brushing this hair? no matter what comb i use, no matter how i hold it, it just fucking hurts so much. “why do you brush your hair omg it looks much better like that” because if I dont brush it at least every 36h i cannot get through it anymore. i will literally have to cut out the knots after that. like you get to choose to curl your hair for a party to get that “wild look” but is2g I have to go to school like this. go to job interviews like this. no matter what i wear, no matter how i style it, it’ll always look more unkempt than straight hair. straight hair is the default, but curly hair is somehow making a statement. literally all they have to do is brush their hair couple times a day, do they even realize how much time and energy and money it costs to care for even slightly curlier hair? like oils and combs and special shampoo and pillow cases and the fukcing most expensive hair stylist in town because no one fucking knows what to do with curls. i’m just so done. i feel like i’m being punished with this. if it at least looked good i don’t think i’d complain this much but it’s just not worth it in any case. looks messy, can’t grow it long, combing it brings me to tears, trying to style it brings me to tears because i cant see what i’m doing and nothing ever works. i’m just done.

[taki118]

Manga Rec: Hatarakanai Futari (or The Jobless Siblings)

 Hatarakanai Futari ( or The Jobless Siblings) is its about 20 something NEET siblings, their friends, their parents and the daily lives and its just so fucking pure and wholesome just go read it. But if you’d like some context and a few spoilers by all means continue reading. 

So the Jobless Siblings  are younger sibling Haruko and elder sibling Mamoru they live with their parents and generally just screw around all day. 

Haruko starts the series as very Hikikamori like as she seems to have some serious social anxiety and fears even leaving the house since graduating high school. She is also very money conscious though in an odd way she’ll often comment on how much clothing or haircuts cost in comparison to video games and food. While she starts out as a very shy, self conscious and clinging to her brother like a typical younger sister in anime she slowly shows her true colors. That being a dense, easily tricked wanna be prankster with a habit of speaking before thinking but generally means well. As the series goes on Haruko appears to more lazy than cripplingly shy and even goes to places outside the house of her own accord with other people. I know that sounds weird to praise but trust me as you read and see her grown into her own its so heart warming. Even if her growth is makes fart jokes to a person she originally was too afraid to speak to. 

Mamoru is not your typical NEET. He has friends, he leaves the house, he talks to strangers he’s kind of a mystery. It’s revealed as the series goes on that he went to college, worked jobs and traveled a lot before becoming a NEET, and it really seems like he could just get a haircut put on a suit and get a job one morning if it suited him. He’s easy going, sarcastic, a joker, but all in all a good guy. When you read the series unlike Haruko who you watch grown you get to get excited as more aspects of Mamoru are revealed and your insight of him grows.  

Also I’m pretty sure the author gets a kick out of subverting expectations with the siblings relationship. Yes Haruko looks up to and admires her brother but she’s also willing to toss him under the bus to get out of trouble with their parents or play a joke on him. And yes Mamoru dotes on and shelters his sister but he also pranks her and makes her own up to her mistakes. And anytime you see a trope coming comedy follows such as this. What i’m saying is they feel like actual siblings.

Despite their NEET status the siblings have a semi good relationship with their parents. Their mother is rather strict and yet she also adores pranks. The mom wants her children to start being real adults and is typically annoyed by their antics (most times) but while she appears to have given up on Mamoru she often pushes Haruko to at least learn to be a wife. Their father despite working all the time is more laid back, he’s happy enough with the fact that his children are good people and figures the pair will find their place in their own time. 

Now i mentioned friends well these are the reoccurring characters and give so much of series heart warming moments. Let me say this if platonic relationships are your jam this series delivers. But there are two friends who make up the main group. 

First we have Maruyama He’s an employed idiot, a bit of a perv but good hearted all the same and originally only Mamoru’s friend. He’s the butt of many a joke and has some douchey nice guy moments but the story always makes sure to dunk on him for it and he learns his lesson. He starts the series slowly getting Haruko to warm up to him, and even seems to have a bit of thing for until they become friends and he sees she has a personality as awful as her brothers it goes away. Regardless he still hangs around them.

Rounding out the group is the siblings neighbor Kuraki she’s your average overworked office lady but since moving in next door to the siblings she finds watching their antics through her window at night relaxing. Slowly she grows a desire to interact and slightly spoil the pair as a thank you of sorts. Eventually she joins them on their antics and as such her mood improves so greatly her coworkers notice. She ends up becoming a sort of mentor/guide to Haruko and is one of the few people who can make her willingly go into a store.

The relationship the 4 share is just so sweet and pure. And becomes the main focus of the series. They do things like play games, go walks, prank each other, and just talk about any random shit that enters their heads. And i do mean shit poop jokes are a recurring thing in the series, but the joke is less poop itself but that they think poop is so funny. But its just so wholesome how much hanging out together means to them all

But outside the main four each have their own little friend groups

Mamoru and Maruyama often hangout with their friend Endou. He’s nice and easygoing and is fairly in sync with Mamoru the pair often teasing the hell out of Maruyama. He has a girlfriend who is a massive troll and i really hope she appears more. Despite the two often picking on him they both acknowledge that Maruyama is a good guy and defend him often. They just want him to be less of a perv and ass. 

Then there’s Haruko funnily enough she had friends all through her school life often falling in with people no one else liked. Bringing us to Yuki & Tomoharu

Yuki is a very tall, very strong and very shy girl. She often got into fights in high school cause she was basically made to. While she like Haruko has very high social anxiety, she herself is a college student and does not want to be a NEET basically because her father is one. Yuki often tries to get Haruko to go shopping with her as she wants to appear more fashionable and cute usung food as a bribe but the pair fail to even enter a store.

Then theres Tomoharu. He is described many times but people as being very good looking. He goes to school has a part time job and is over all very normal, so you might wonder why he was friends with Haruko. Well he’s gay, but if you ask him he claims it was just a phase and he’ll totally have a girlfriend next time. Only to get a crush on a male member of the main cast (not gonna say who) Haruko and Yuki were the only people to stand up for him when he was outed in school and the pair still support with Haruko often saying she’ll keep a look out for a good guy for him though he denies wanting one. Either way when all three hang out Haruko and Yuki often rely on him.

They keep expanding the cast little by little but it never feels like too much or odd as they all naturally fall into the story. Such as the father’s coworker who he often tries to set up with Mamoru. She’s a deadpan intelligent type and is also friends with Endo’s girlfriend. But the thing is you aren’t annoyed that this girl is very obviously Mamorus match you actually cant wait or the pair to cross paths. And that’s how you feel with most of these characters. You just want to see how their personalities will mesh together.

But the best part of this series is simply seeing how people live their lives. While yes that’s the point of most slice of life series this one feels very natural. Everything is just sort of aimless and pointless but so is life. People will suddenly reappear in your life and you’ll spend time getting to know them again or you’ll spend a night pondering something pointless or shop for something you know will make a friend happy or try out something dumb you saw on tv. 

Its just such a relaxing enjoyable series with characters you want to see more of. So go read it.

[sophocused]

uni recap 2019

I think it's really important for young studyblrs still in high school or junior high to be exposed to more detailed and honest uni experience anecdotes, so buckle up because it’s about to get real honest and a little personal in here.

I'm in the middle of the fall term of my second uni year, technically now in the 2nd year of my general B.Sc. and I need to start from the beginning a little bit, especially when it comes to my academic journey so far.

Let's start with junior high, when adults always want to ask what you want to be when you grow up. After going to a career symposium with friends, a field trip run by the school, that's when I heard about the College of Pharmacy at the "top" university of the province.

First thing that attracted me was that they make an annual $100k a year, and to my 14 year old impressionable mind that was convinced that my future had to revolve around making bank, I decided from there that I would work towards the end goal of becoming a pharmacist.

I was convinced that pharmacy was the ultimate goal to get my life going, as a real functioning adult of society.

Fortunately, I was wrong. It was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Since this is an academic recap, I won't bring up the mental health and physical health bits of the last eight years of my life, I'll fastforward to high school senior year, when I decided I would (as a minimal effort-get straight A's student) actually TRY in my studies again. It was because my work ethic had grown to a point that when I didn't try and still got a B or A, I was scared of the moment I would actually try and then not get an A or A+. I wanted to fight that fear of realizing that I'm not "effortlessly good at thngs" because I didnt want to have a fear of failure.

(Disclaimer: it's been three years since then and I'm still a work in progress when it comes to my relationship with failures but it is getting consistently healthier, despite bumps)

Thus, I started this studyblr three years ago, June 30th 2016 I believe?? My url was chemystery for the first few days but sophocused came up because of sophocles (not that hes my fave philosopher or anything) it just stuck ANYWAY IM GETTING DISTRACTED

So I actually tried in my last year of high school, worked hard and got A's in physics, pre-calculus, and AP chemistry. The AP chemistry came with a provincial exam, that in getting a score of 4, granted me a $150 reward, and the grade of a B in two university courses (2 chem prerequisites)

I was a fool and no one exactly explained to me that those 2 courses were even harder when taught through uni, because I really wasted nearly $1000 in taking those two courses again in my first year of uni, in hopes of turning them into A's.

I should probably mention that going into uni, the pharmacy program had 2 chem, 2 bio, 1 calc, 1 written course, and 2 electives, as prerequisites. My innocent mind, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal, registered for a full five and five course load, so that I could finish all my prerequisites within my first year of uni, and apply for the college of pharmacy by March. (Back then, it was still a Bachelor's program where selection process depended on your AGPA, and your mark on a written critical skills essay)

I learned the hard way that for university, it is a mentally and emotionally laborious task to try and juggle five classes, having to hold yourself accountable when it comes to attendance and figuring out what notes you want to take. There's no way to write physical hand-written notes for five courses (not for me anyway).

It was incredibly fast-paced as well, and I had many days where I just didn't want to get out of bed. I was so conflicted with my perfectionist mindset, and the pressure to get a 4.0 GPA that I spread myself so thin and honestly it was one of the most difficult years of my life. I still got out with 8 B's and 2 A's by the end of my first year. I was ashamed of those B's.

When it came to applying for pharmacy however, despite the grades I got, my GPA didn't make it to the minimum 3.50 needed to be applicable for pharmacy, but I got my transcript a month after I had already applied for pharmacy and I had even done the written exam.

I had to face my first big failure which was getting the email that they couldnt even look over or consider my application because my GPA did not reach the minimum required.

On top of that, I learned that I could not just simply try again the next year. This was because suddenly, the university decided they were going to change the Bachelors pharmacy program into a PharmD. A doctorate. To me, that meant they added eight more prerequisites (even more difficult uni courses with chem and human phys), and a required PCAT score. We also were not allowed to apply until Fall 2020. That meant, I now suddenly had no plan for my academic career for the next two years because I had really only ever thought about getting into pharmacy on the first try.

After a breakdown or two last year upon processing this, I had made the decision and talked to my parents about trying for it again, and doing the new prerequisites. This brought in the new mental turmoil of money on my mind during my summer after first year of uni, thousands of dollars this would cost, suddenly having no routine for four months after working at max brain capacity for 6 months.

My 2nd year of uni, fall 2018, a lot of growing had happened, a lot of processing of failure happened, just. a lot. happened.

October 2018, I got a job at a school, so I really juggled my school stuff with work. Five days a week, I would be up at 6-7am and then get home around 6:30pm, while doing human physiology, organic chemistry 1, an eastern religions elective, and an intro to statistics course.

long story short, yes I must spare you the details of the process of it all because it got pretty sad. That was my worst uni term, ending with 1 B, 1 C+, 1 C, and an F in organic chem.

My first F in university. My first F ever in my entire school life. It was a begrudging blow at my mental state, and I spent two to three weeks devastated. I dont know how I got out of it, I think one day I just said to myself, "Okay you got an F, but did you die?"

Honestly, the humour in that really cheered me up, among other things, and the emotional support I got from my older sister, and by the time I got into the 2nd half of my uni year (right now), I have discovered I potentially have a calling to become a teacher or to work in the lab as a technician.

Most importantly, most if not all of the credits I've earned, are also applicable to get into the Faculty of Education. Basically, I came to peace with having options, and digging deep into myself to really find the thing that I could really see myself doing based on my personality and interests, not just on the money and the rush of finishing school.

I just finished the longest midterm season of winter 2019, with my first midterm being early February and my last midterm + essay deadline on March 15th... I did well. I did well in trying to really take care of myself while trying to go to every class and trying to work hard as much as I could everyday. I think out of my many midterms, I got 1 A, 4 B's, and a C. These are all salvageable. I do still really want to keep working towards a 4.5 GPA but now I'm okay if that doesnt always turn out to be what I get.

Anyway I finally get to write something like this because I've been busy for the past month, a lot of things happened again in the midst of it all, but I'm still okay. I get a week to rest before my lab exam and then it's finals season.

This time, I'll try hard not to just let my life pass me by, with only ever school and academics in mind, I had gotten really sad these past few weeks, and I'm usually good at being my own antidote for that, but I really got to a point where I felt I had no strength to pick myself back up.

Last night I said "fuck it" and decided to go to my cousin's house who I hadn't seen in over a month to spend time with them instead of working on my 30% essay due midnight. Before I was so desperate to finish it, terrified of the 2% deduction per day it would be late, but after crying on the bus, I had had enough of letting my academics bring this much weight on my mental health. After spending four hours with my cousins and aunt, I came home to my mom, and I watched a two hour movie with her.

I didn't regret it one bit. I felt better than I had in a long, long while.

Now, this Friday, my grandma and other cousin are flying in, and I cant wait to just keep healing.

Thank you for reading, or scanning over, I hope you got something good out of this, as I am telling this story both for my sake, and for other students’ who might commonly find themselves in the same boat. I believe in you.