#and bc of that i'm not taking my meds consistently like. At All

[sharkdays]

i think it’s time for a hard reset on the sleep schedule gang

[foxsicle]

man forgetting to take my concerta yesterday and then having it this morning w/ a giant cup of coffee was a decision

[reanimated-owl]

((im not dead i swear

just. not doing too hot

[moons-of-dewclan]

HOW TO RESET YOUR CLAN TO EARLIER MOON

(another case of 'one person asked, i deliver) ok first, you sort of can't. YOU GOTTA RESTART with a 'new' clan and transfer! SECONDLY, this may be more complicated than it needs to be bc i don't know how to do things simply. i'm trying my best tho. THIS IS HOW I'VE DONE IT. i recommend watching videos or reading up on how to 'edit files' bc this isn't exhaustive. IT REALLY HELPS IF YOU KNOW HOW TO MESS WITH THE FILES. this is SUPPLEMENTAL KNOWLEDGE FIRST!! save a backup of your clan files (The JSON FILE, AND CLAN FOLDER) in case you make a whoopsie and destroy your code. READ THIS ALL BEFORE TRYING. i'll be noting some things that are MAKE OR BREAK. literally. make ur code or break your code IN THIS EXAMPLE, i'm going back to moon 15 for Dewclan from moon 50, and I'm going to pretend there are only 4 cats- Lyre, Vanilla, Nettle and Spark. I'll refer the clan you want to set back as the 'Canon' clan, and the one you're going to be rewinding to as the 'Rewound' clan! THEN HERE WE GOOOOO FIRST, NEW CLAN. pick the same mode as the clan you're trying to 'Rewind'.

NAME IT WHATEVER. you'll change it later..

Pick those cats. i like to pick the minimum necessary. but it doesn't really matter, as you're going to more or less be copypasting your old cats into this 'Rewound' clan.

START IN THE SAME PLACE. and in the same SEASON that your Canon clan started in. I started Dewclan in Leafbare. do not choose the season that's taking place on the moon you want to rewind to. the one you STaRted on. (you're going to choose what moon you're on later in settings. this keeps the progression consistent. if you started in leafbare, but choose greenleaf for the Rewound clan, 15 moons in, you'll be on a different season than your Canon clan would be bc your starting point was different. even if i'm not explaining that well just do it i promise LAKSNNDKS)

WOW THESE AREN'T MY BABIES. ok time to kill or delete three of these suckers bc i only need four cats. BYE GUYS

also go into your settings. MAKE EVERYTHING HOW YOU WANT IT. general, role, etc. AND THEN CLICK THAT 'OPEN DATA DIRECTORY'. this is where stuff gets GOING

click here.. saves

NOW, BELOW!! the folders, it'll have a JSON file with your Rewound clan name. THIS IS IMPORTANT. there are things in here that you need to change. some require you to peek at your cats, and some don't. We'll get to it later! FOR NOW, click the folder above this that says your Rewound clan name! mine is 'DewAGAIN'

THEN YOU GOT ALL THE JUICY STUFF

CLICK CLAN CATS. AND LOOK BELLLOOOW. we're gonna transfer our beloved babies over. i recommend you copy from "name_prefix" to "favourite": false in the Canon clan (keep their ID number from this Rewound clan the same. don't replace it with their ID number from the Canon clan), then select all that info in the Rewound clan and paste it to overwrite. and then adjust what you need to. AND YOU WILL NEED TO ADJUST I HIIIGHLY recommend leaving the ID numbers and pasting Canon leader info into Rewound leader info. med cat into med cat. deputy into deputy. Rewound clan leader is ID 20? paste your Canon clan leader info info 20. keep Canon clan's number as 20.

SOME OF THESE ARE VERY IMPORTANT. 1. ID NUMBER. if your cat has any relationships, like parents or mates, you need these numbers to match those cats. ALSO if your cat has a specific role, like medicine cat, leader, mediator or deputy, their number needs to match the number designated in the CLAN JSON info shown in the next image. FOR NOW I CONTINUE. 2. IMPORTANT NUMBERS. Sparkplug (her name isn't rly sparkplug btw)'s parent is Lyrestar. Lyre's ID number is 1. if that ID number doesn't match or doesn't exist in this game, you'll get an error! Same goes for mentors and mates. at moon 15, Spark wouldn't have these. But if i transferred her from moon 50 where she did, I'll have to replace the mate/mentor/whatever will 'null', etc, shown here. make sure everything here is relevant to moon 15, and not moon 50! 3. IF your cat was dead when you copypasted, change that! Dead?? FALSE. from dead 'true'.. ... where did 4 and 5 go..- ANYWAY 6. EXPERIENCE. make sure you drop this back to where it was at that moon. lest your kit graduate to warrior bc they have 3000 experience. 7. FALLS INTO 2. do they have an apprentice in the Canon clan that they wouldn't have in the rewound clan? gET RID OF EM. (you can copypaste that portion from a cat without an apprentice or just rewrite it as 'null', but sometimes i type things wrong and get errors so.. i copypaste. just make sure you're copying and pasting from the right start and end point.) IF YOUR CAT HAD AN APPRENTICE IN MOON 15, AND NOT 50.. you can either just set them as mentor and apprentice ingame manually, or write it into the code. i would do it manually tho bc i'm easily confused

NOW WE GET INTO WHERE THE CLAN JSON IS IMPORTANT.

ABOVE ARE MARKED, IMPORTANT THINGS. some will break the game if you don't do it right. SO 1. Name. You can change this later, to your Canon clan name. You need to also change the FOLDER name to match. The folder that you click to get to your 'Clan Cats' files and stuff. YOU WILL HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR CANON CLAN FOLDER NAME AND FILE NAME TO SOMETHING ELSE or it'll corrupt! 2. HERE you change to the moon you want to rewind to. I'd change mine, to 15! season changes along with the moon number automatically. 3. INSTRUCTOR. this is the cat that leads your cats to starclan. predead. dw about it, unless you've messed with the dead cat and want to change it to your old starclan guide. then change the number, to your guide's ID number. You'll see it in the Clan Cats folder! LEADER. you need to change this to your clan leader's number or the files get confused. this is why i recommend replacing Rewound leaders with leaders, deputies with deputies, etc, and not also pasting the old numbers. the numbers are already set. ALSO this is where the leader's lives are dictated! DEPUTY. same as above! MED CAT.... SAME. but also, if you have multiple, add multiple! 4. You can change these names to the Canon names. if you had more or less other clans, you can delete or add more. just make sure to have the same number of clans as 'relations' and 'temperaments'! four clans, for traits and temperaments. 5 clans, 5 traits and temperaments. FINAL PAIN IN THE ARSE is.. having to adjust relationships. bc your 'new' clan won't have established relationships. you gotta go in and adjust the values. it sucks big ass but i don't know a better way to do it snff..

QUICK TIP if you absolutely don't want romance between two unrelated cats bc it would be weird for story reasons, you can change their status in the relationships file change family: false, to family: true. the game thinks they're related and romance won't happen HAHAHAAAAA .. at least in my experience. if this is wrong i'll cry

[satoruxx]

NORTHERN LIGHTS.

✧ PAIRING: kaeya alberich x fem!reader | 4.5k words

✧ SUMMARY: smut, p -> v, praise, fingering, lots of pining, angst, angsty bc it’s kaeya tbh lol, kaeya lore but it’s vague, also military themes bc sometimes we forget kaeya is a captain and i love the knights of favonius, he’s highkey got commitment issues but i think he’s valid, man is whipped tho, he's just an overthinker and traumatized, also can you tell i’m a med student?

✧ RHEYA'S NOTE: first i have to apologize bc this is SO late??? i got this request back for my 200 event, asking for kaeya with the song northern lights by kennie (which is such a good song). at first i was gonna make it a short little drabble, but the more i wrote, the more i wanted to make it a full fic, which is what ended up happening. kaeya's character has so much depth and i wanted to explore it hehe. northern lights is such a fitting song for him so i just had to go all in. but i'm so sorry that i got to your request so late, hopefully you still enjoy it lovely! (even tho it’s not the main focus in this fic, this is technically my first real smut fic so take it with a grain of salt; i don't think i write it that well LMAO)

it was rare to truly know your own weaknesses, but kaeya knew his a little too well. behind his carefree, unbothered exterior he cared a little too much. he cares a little too much when klee tugs on his fur cape and whines about a scolding she’s gotten from jean, and he ends up indulging her with whatever she’d like. he cares a little too much when rosaria spills just a tad more than usual during her drunken ramblings. he cares a little too much when he sees the discomfort in the face of certain fiery bartender as they speak, and he consistently lies awake and remembers days when that discomfort between them didn’t exist.

it’s a curse, he thinks, because he always ends up feeling too attached to people he knows he shouldn’t be attached to.

even now, his weakness is acting up as he barks orders to his soldiers. they scramble around him as they enter the city, carrying their wounded brethren to safety up at the cathedral. kaeya knows he shouldn’t blame himself but as their captain he feels like he should’ve seen this coming. new recruits wouldn’t be able to handle the hordes of monsters at daduapa gorge—he miscalculated.

“take them to the sisters at the cathedral. sister barbara and the others should be able to heal them,” kaeya commands, clasping one of the men’s shoulders and helping him up to the church. he’s ignoring the now dull throbbing in his side as blood stains his clothes—his soldiers were most important right now. like he said, he cared a little too much.

the nurses had set up a medical station at the cathedral, and in between all the commotion, kaeya’s finally able to hand over the groaning soldier to a nurse, who immediately gets to work.

he then takes a few steps back to assess the damage, grateful that all of his soldiers are getting the attention they needed. he’d hate himself if there were any losses today.

he doesn’t even realize that he’s now leaning against the wall, panting shallowly as blood continues to pour from his abdomen. oh well, he’d wait his turn—only after his soldiers were taken care of.

kaeya shuts his eyes, letting his body rest for a minute.

“you’re wounded.”

his eyes shoot open to see you standing in front of him. he assumes you’re not one of the nuns because your clothes are entirely different. you’re young, appearing to be around his age as you eye his torso critically.

“it appears so,” he answers.

“did someone take a look at you yet?”

“i’d prefer all my soldiers be taken care of first.”

your eyes flash with recognition. “so you’re captain kaeya?”

“indeed i am.” he lets his eyes roam over your concerned features.

you give him a small smile before continuing with a sigh. “i can safely tell you that all the wounded are being treated. i’m still an apprentice so i’m only here to deal with the non fatal injuries. like yours, captain.” you crouch down in front of him, fingers reaching towards his clothing with a silent question of permission. he lets his hand slacken as he gives you a nod and you attempt to peel back as many layers as you can to asses the damage before you’re motioning him towards a tent.

a few minutes later and kaeya is letting you strip his torso bare until you have a full view of his injury. your fingers brush over the wounded skin gently, and he wonders if you even touched him at all. “it’s long, but not too deep. a few stitches and you should be alright. if you’re okay with it, i’ll get started,” you tell him.

kaeya wants to tell you that he’s no stranger to the pain of injuries, but he finds something oddly refreshing about your comforting attitude, so he just says yes and lets you begin to work.

you thread through the skin with a delicate hand and despite the sting he honestly can’t even focus on it, choosing instead to analyze your features.

he realizes that you’re awfully pretty.

kaeya makes small talk with you as you work, partly to stay awake through the pain and mostly because he can’t stop his curiosity. he finds out your name, your hobbies, your goals. you may not have the most exciting life but kaeya thinks there’s something so alluring about you it makes him a little dizzy. he's not sure what it is, but he thinks about it the whole time you tend to his wound. realization hits when you finally finish, looking up at him with a smile, and kaeya realizes that your eyes hold the stars in them.

it’s hard to explain but when kaeya watches you work, nose scrunching in the dim lighting of the tent, he thinks you remind him of home.

(kaeya has chased the stars for as long as he can remember. he remembers shouting with diluc in the grass behind the winery, the two of them reaching for celestia because the stars up there were so undeniably pretty.

"we're never gonna get them!" diluc would laugh, trying hard to balance kaeya on his little shoulders. "they're too far…"

and kaeya only grins down at him toothily, raising his fists to the sky. "no way! i'll catch them one day!"

and yet his whole childhood went by without being able to capture the stars. as he grew older he started to learn that it was impossible to steal what the sky so selfishly held on to.

but even as an adult, kaeya knows to appreciate the stars when he gets the privilege to see them in the sky.

especially after he finally seems to find them in the dim glow of a medical tent.)

he hates to admit how often his eyes seek you out after that one encounter. sometimes he’ll see you at the cat's tail, giggling with your friends as you slam tcg cards down on the table triumphantly. other times he’ll catch a glimpse of you at good hunter, chewing on a quick meal as you browse through a book. almost every time he gets caught staring you only smile and offer him a little wave that sends his brain into a frenzy.

(maybe in another life kaeya would allow himself the luxury. he’d let himself go through the motions for you. let himself stress every time you threw a glance his way. work up the courage to ask you out on saturday afternoon. finally get the chance to press his lips to yours. trace your skin with nimble fingers and have the privilege to call you his.

in another life maybe.

but for now he’ll just keep you his own little secret—a guilty pleasure he’ll indulge in because it’s hard to rid an addiction, especially if you don’t have the will to rid it in the first place.)

kaeya’s messed up this summer. he knows it in his soul that he’s made the wrong decision as he watches you babble about something as you lean against his bare chest, still basking in your own afterglow.

he knows that he should have resisted the temptation. as soon as he and the troops got back and he saw you sitting in a secluded corner at angel’s share he knew that his feelings for you hadn’t dissolved.

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder and kaeya only now knows this to be true because just the sight of you sends his mind into a frenzy. you could probably feel his gaze on you because you look up from the book you’re reading and make straight eye contact with him. for a second, he wants to turn away but then you smile at kaeya like you’ve never once forgotten him, and he’s putty. before he knows it, he’s buying you a drink and walking over to your little corner to make himself comfortable.

it’s a slow descent for him because in his head he knows he shouldn’t get too attached. he’ll leave again soon with the troops, and who knows maybe he’ll leave them behind one day too. his future has always looked so clouded to him, and he knows you belong in the sun. he’d like to leave you there in the light—avoid dragging you into his darkness.

so he tries to keep it simple, occasionally meeting you for a drink or catching up around the city. but then you’re showing him your favorite place to study near starfell lake and he’s showing you his favorite stars while laying on his back on starsnatch cliff. and he knows he can’t avoid it.

soon enough he’s giving into everything he said he wouldn’t, finally finding out what you taste like. finally knowing how his name sounds when it falls from your lips.

it's more addicting than he could've predicted, the feeling of your breath against his skin as you pant out his name. kaeya can't even bring himself to pull away from you to stop and think for a second. if he did then maybe he could slap some sense into himself and draw some distance because archons above he was digging himself deeper into this hole. but he can't, not when you're gripping his shoulders as he presses you against the wall of his bedroom, whining into his lips for all that he can give you.

and kaeya is nothing if not generous.

so he indulges both you and himself—the perfect mix of selfless and selfish as he guides you to his bed, nimble fingers loosening the ties of your clothing until you're bare in front of him. he can see the bashfulness settling into your cheeks and he almost feels like goading for just a minute, but he decides he'll be nice.

you've always deserved a nice guy anyway.

he tries to push that thought away, instead distracting himself with the heat of your body, his fingers dancing along your skin eagerly. maybe, just this one night, he can let it be about you two. he can afford to forget about all the old promises he's made—all the responsibilities and duties he devoted himself to a lifetime ago.

kaeya ignores the flush of heat crawling up his neck as he hovers over you, caging your body underneath his as you squirm in anticipation. he understands—the tightness in his pants is enough for him to feel the same. but he's not worried about that, not when his fingers part your thighs eagerly, brushing over heated skin and finding slick wetness there as he dips into your cunt. he hears the sharp intake of breath, the quiet restrained moan, and he preens. kaeya revels in the sounds he pulls from your lips as his fingers curl against your slick heat, your head lolling back against his pillows.

there's a possessive streak of something that cuts through him then—something that tells him how he aches to be the only one who gets to hear those sounds.

it makes him slightly sick.

kaeya realizes then—he's been quite stupid when it comes to you. he's kept the maelstrom of feelings brewing in his soul trapped under all his bravado, arrogant and cowardly all at once. he needs to tell you, needs to be honest because this isn't something he can trick his way out of.

but all he wants to do is run. run so far away from you because he doesn't want you to to get caught up in his own ruin. you're far too good for him, too sweet and carefree to be tainted by his sin-laden hands. he needs to run.

but he does none of that, not when he's guiding his fingers to the apex of your thighs and exploring territory he knows he shouldn't claim. because then you look at him with an expression so blissful—so thankful, relieved that he's giving you a part of himself he never wanted to—and he can't even be angry about it.

kaeya presses his lips to the swell of your chest, feeling the rapid thumping of your heart under your skin, and he shuts his eyes as he breathes out your name. you answer with a resounding mewl, catching his eyes even through the dark strands of his hair.

he then chooses to focus on pumping his fingers in and out of your cunt because archons do you look heavenly when your eyes roll back like that.

but it scares him, the way you leave him open and exposed and aching even when he doesn't want to be.

in his head you're perfect, all bright and glowing under him as you chant his name like he's some kind of savior. but kaeya isn't a savior—if anything he's destruction in human form, sent by the heavens to wreak havoc on those around him. he'd destroyed enough already—he doesn't think he can do it to you too.

but archons the way you're looking at him now, from under fluttering lashes and dewy eyes that shine even brighter when they're trained on him—begging, pleading, and oh so trusting of him and every thing he wants to give you. he can't even help himself.

"i know, sweet girl," he sighs, voice strained as you buck your hips just perfect—a temptress, sent to lead him to his doom. and yet he can't stop his fingers from pushing back your hair from your sweaty skin, knowing that he should be careful because he doesn't want to destroy something as fragile as this.

"kaeya please," your breath comes out in short desperate pants, nails digging into the fabric of his shirt and sliding it off his shoulders haphazardly.

"i know," he repeats, reaching down to heft your thigh over his waist as he slots his hips against your own, biting back a groan at the sensitive brush against his cock—throbbing, aching, needy.

"ah fuck," he's almost shy at the way his voice shakes as he lines his cock up, the heat and slickness of your cunt a teasing caress against his sensitive head. he drops his forehead against your shoulder, breathing heavily even before he's inside you because something about this makes him so incredibly nervous. a single desperate whine and the soft squeeze of your fingers into his biceps and he's stilling—breath catching, heart pounding.

for a moment, he doesn't even feel like himself. he's not anything, no one.

and then he slides in and kaeya knows that there will never be anything better—another experience that would feel this right in his life.

he pulls out a little, gaze lingering at the sweat beading at your forehead, and something in his chest stutters. "okay?" he traces your face for any hint of hesitation—of the nervousness that he feels in his gut, but all he finds is a stormy mix of desire and devotion.

"uh huh," reassurance, stability—everything he isn't. his brows pinch, eyes shutting because he doesn't want you to know.

he's pulled out of the whirlwind that is his thoughts when he feels your fingers on his cheek, brushing over his skin gently. his eyes snap open, and even through the haze he can feel himself relaxing under your touch, because the way you're looking at him is so undeniably loving and it makes his stomach flip.

"you okay?" you whisper, looking up at him carefully, and kaeya feels as though you've put him between the halves of a microscope slide to analyze him.

"i'm fine," he breathes out, not a lie but not the whole truth either. "don't worry."

his words do little to quell you, but one roll of his hips has your eyes fluttering, a choked moan escaping your throat, and the sound makes his pride sing.

there's an image then—hazy and yet so obvious as his brain registers it. the implications behind it makes his stomach churn.

quiet smiles, hazy kisses, soft goodbyes—and then the inevitable distance as he crosses over the border separating your world from his. a lone figure standing in the streets of mondstadt, always waiting for him to come back. always disappointed.

you buck your hips upward, blissfully unaware of the torrent of conflicting emotions in his head. kaeya's brain short-circuits, and then he's pushing back, a steady rhythm against your gummy walls that takes the breath out of your lungs. you savor every thrust, punctuated by the sharp grunts he lets out against your throat.

your fingers rake over his back, desperate and needy and focused on one thing only—kaeya, kaeya, kaeya.

"that's it sweetheart," he doesn't have any more control—not on his mind, his body, his mouth. they've all escaped his grasp, too spurred on by you and everything you're willing to offer him.

"'s okay…ah fuck…it's okay," kaeya groans into the column of your throat, not sure whether he's telling you or himself. the clench of your walls sends him spiraling, hips picking up the pace as he pistons his cock in and out—trying to find out just how far he can go.

then he hits one spot, and his vigilant gaze catches the way your jaw slackens, eyes glazing over even as they roll back and a shaky moan escapes your throat—surprised, unexpecting. his ego jumps.

an experimental roll of his hips against the same spot and you make a sound so unhinged that he finds himself already addicted to it. and to tease is in his nature.

"yeah? right there?" he drawls, masking his anxiousness with his bravado once again.

"right there," you whimper, nodding meekly as you grip his shoulders. he huffs out a soft laugh, pressing a gentle kiss to your eyelids like he's trying to kiss away the tears that have gathered there. you preen under his ministrations—it feels a little too domestic.

he understands. it scares him, but he understands. he wonders what the point of worrying is—wonders why he's letting his paranoid brain taint this moment that he'd been waiting for. the only solution left is to ignore it. because you're here, writhing underneath him in the throes of pleasure, vulnerable and trusting and just for him. he should give you what you deserve after all.

so kaeya pushes every other thought out of his head, only focused on you and making you feel good because that's what someone like you deserves—everything you desire laid at your feet.

he presses a chaste kiss to your mouth, paired with a languid roll of his hips as he quietly groans. "okay…." his voice comes out an octave lower, pushed down by the barely concealed need for you. "okay sweet girl. i've got you."

another searing kiss as he breathes through his nose, picking up the pace again as he slams his cock into the spot that makes you see stars. your moans get louder even as they remain muffled against his lips, and kaeya can't help but dig his fingers into the meat of your thigh, leaving behind finger shaped dents in the plushy skin.

a claim—possessive, desperate, selfish.

your kisses become sloppier as kaeya leads you closer to the edge, walls clenching around the length of him, tighter with every thrust he delivers. the chants of his name have become almost reverent, and kaeya thinks his name couldn't possibly sound more beautiful than in that moment. he wonders if he could be blessed to hear it for the remainder of his life, and the thought sends pure unadulterated need through him.

his hips stutter, red hot fire coursing through his chilled veins—building, climbing, overwhelming as every sense goes fuzzy with heat. his grunts become more irregular, in time with the reckless thrusts of his cock as your cunt tightens around him greedily.

his cock twitches as you suck him in eagerly, feeling every ridge and vein as he grunts and groans and tightens his hold on you—unyielding, unrelenting, selfish.

your eyes stay locked on his even as your orgasm rips through you, and kaeya sees celestia in them—brighter than ever before. your muscles spasm, clenching almost painfully as you tremble and writhe underneath him, and he follows you to the doorstep of nirvana with a throaty groan. his hips stutter, twitching and throbbing as he pants out a broken chorus of your name and every praise that doesn't do you justice.

then he drops his forehead against yours, watching your eyelids flutter—celestial stars dim. a soft brush of your lips against his.

your muscles go lax, every guard dropped just for him—trust he realizes, trust he doesn't deserve. he doesn't know how to tell you that.

because even after everything—when you're curled up against his chest, skin warm and dewy against his own, he does not think about how he adores the feeling of your hair brushing against his arm, nor does he focus on the soft tickle of your breathing washing over him. instead he thinks about how he's ruined it all, how he's dragged you into him, and how he needs to let you go before he destroys you completely.

at the end of the summer, kaeya tells you he can’t.

“what are you talking about?” you ask him, a light chuckle escaping your lips as you barely focus on his words. your nose is buried in some medical text, and kaeya thinks that the universe is punishing him now by making him repeat himself.

“us. we shouldn’t have…” he sighs, shoulders dropping. “i mean, we should stop…seeing each other.”

he can practically feel the way his words pull your attention and when he looks up he sees the way your grip on the book has slackened. there’s panic settling in your eyes, mixed with a bit of confusion. a conflicted emotion runs across your face and kaeya’s fingers itch to touch you. “w-why?”

it’s a simple question and he should have no problem answering it, but he struggles to get the words out, his throat constricting uncomfortably. “it was fine in the summer, when i was back here with the troops. but now i’ll have to leave and-“

“so what?” you question, turning in your seat to face him completely. his eyes drop to the shirt you’re wearing, his shirt, and he feels his heart squeezing.

“so-“ he gulps, head spinning as he tries to explain himself. he doesn’t even have a proper answer—he just knows that this is his only option. because there’s no way in hell he deserves this kind of comfort, this kind of happiness. “so i cant-“

“can’t what, kaeya?” you stress, voice going slightly higher and he only then sees the real fear in your expression.

he pauses, mulling over his words and the bitter taste they’re leaving in his mouth. he can feel the sting of your pleading stare, and he swallows hard. “can’t stay,” he finally answers, and he’s shocked at how miserable he sounds.

you look at him like he’s insane, and honestly he feels like he might be. you’re confused and rightfully so, because there are so many remnants of him left in your space, so clearly evident the impact he’s left on you.

“can’t or won’t?”

kaeya’s eyes snap up to yours, because the tremor in your voice sends a jolt of fear down to his stomach, churning and roiling until it makes him sick.

he regrets looking, because he can feel himself breaking then and there.

you’re looking at him with these shining eyes and he swears that he’s glimpses them again—the brightest stars he’s ever had the privilege of seeing. for a second he thinks the light of those stars might disappear because that’s what always happens. but they remain, glowing against the backdrop of your irises and he’s captivated all over again.

his plans to leave you in tears fly out the window then and there.

he’s reaching for your cheeks in less than a second, holding them delicately as he lets his thumbs brush over your teary lashes. there’s a reasonable bit of confusion in your face at his sudden change, but when he leans down to kiss you, you don’t protest, melting into him even though he’s so undeniably cold. kaeya doesn’t even realize he’s saying he loves you, choosing to murmur it against your lips because it’s not meant for anyone else to hear—just the two of you.

he remains there, in the quiet darkness of your room for the rest of the night, because he doesn’t want to leave your side even after he told himself he would.

and yes, he dreads tomorrow. he dreads tomorrow because he knows that he will have to choose between the comfortable home he’s found in you or the dark abyss that has swallowed his past.

he’s scared that the more he allows himself to fall into you, and the more he finds that your eyes are the ones that hold the stars of celestia, then the easier his choice will become.

he’s been chasing the stars for so long after all. now that he finally has them, why in teyvat would he let them go?

[sim-songs]

sim-songs brain rot dump

you know those wax melts that smell real good? I just lit one and fucking had to blow out the candle after like, fifteen minutes bc the *good* smell gets too overwhelming for me otherwise smh

i've been pretty consistently not feeling well for over a month now. i'm going to a endocrinologist in october but in the meantime i'm shitting my pants about the possibility of some undiagnosed chronic illness, that would not be good ™️

on the other hand i've been doing well mental health wise (see above for physically lmao) and slowly getting off of all my pills from the last few years. the one i've been on the longest is the last one to go, i've started taking a lowered dose and then another lowered dose in two months and then I will theoretically be medication free in the depression department for the first time i... god like maybe 7 or 8 years???

and yes i do worry that me feeling ill is because i'm coming off those meds and that it's all one big fluke and also that I've been making it all up anyway and making a big deal out of nothing, but i'm so over that part of my psyche fighting me *for now lol

anyway, i've been fine, all things considered. I'd rather have physical symptoms and pain than the awful mental stuff so I'd choose this any day, but both being fine would probably be even better ya know?

and as an aside, y'all are not readyyyyy for this goddamn wedding. i feel like i have hosted the olympics in sims wedding version, because of the cute shit in my queue that will start posting soon enough 😈 lookbooks for both brides are ofc included hehe

[thuviel]

I'm 5 months on T!

Time is moving so fast holy shit. This is another month where I didn't really notice much difference, I had to really think about if there was anything different at all. Changes and thoughts under the cut as usual:

Shark week still super regular, but this time there was so little pain. I'm usually doubled over in pain and taking max amount of painkillers and still struggle even standing straight. This time I think I only took two pain killers for the whole week, even those were just for some brief moderate pain. I haven't had this little pain literally since puberty started it was incredible

Voice still sounds the same when speaking normally, this month I haven't even had any days of hoarseness or throat pain. But my voice app does show that I can go a couple notes lower when I try so there is still gradual change happening

I have a new "base" strength, if that makes sense. I can drop down and do 10 knee pushups with ease now even if I haven't trained for a while. Before I would have to work myself up for a couple weeks to do 10 pushups without it taking every ounce of my strength, so that's cool! (I do extremely minimal and irregular training so it's not due to consistent work outs for sure)

I noticed a hair growing on my neck, the humble beginnings of neck beard I guess xD

Let's touch on early big changes like the hunger and libido. The hunger is nowhere near where it was, but I'm taking ADHD meds that are hardcore suppressing my appetite. I do feel like my nutrition needs are higher than they were pre T, but I just don't feel the intense hunger anymore bc of meds

This month libido was literally nonexistent for the first time, like it used to be pre T. I very much suspect a new dose increase of meds to be the cause bc it feels very weird for libido to disappear 5 months on T, it's inconsitent with every other person's experience I've seen. But bodies are weird so who knows

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[firelord-frowny]

yall these last several days have been THE! WORST!!!!

or idk, not the worst lmao i tend to try to save catastrophic language for actual catastrophes these days and since nobody is dead or maimed, i guess "really really sucked" is the better way to describe it.

but anyway. it really really sucked so bad that i dont even feel like properly ranting about it, so here's a bulleted list of the suckage. -Had (probably) the flu for like two weeks. Missed two weeks of volunteering and one week of work. -Felt better! Volunteered. Went to work. -Throat got sore in the middle of the night. like i literally FELT it get sore in real time. felt it swell. -Sore throat morphed to include an ear ache. -Also felt nauseous several times throughout the day. -went with my mom to go pick up groceries and also one single item to hopefully expedite my recovery (those lil emergen-c supplement drink packets) and somehow wound up getting yelled at about what an inconvenience it is to ~have~ to make a 20 minute round trip to pick up groceries that included something for me🙃 i literally would have just done an instacart order like i usually do but we already needed groceries and that is the only reason i put it in the grocery order so i guess that somehow means that its My Fault the household needed groceries and i guess a 20 minute trip is the worst fucking thing a person can be bothered to do on a sunday afternoon. i mean nevermind the asparagus and the yellow squash and the cornbread mix and the condensed milk and the walnuts and the clam strips and the bananas and the whole grain cereal and the canned vegetables and the frozen berries and all the other shit that aint have JACK to do with me, bc my vitamin c supplement made all of that moot and the sole reason for going to get groceries was because im a needy piece of shit whose better off idk dying of meningitis or soemthing, idfk.

-had a virtual ~urgent care~ visit. got prescribed antibiotics for what's probably a sinus infection gone nuclear. that was yesterday.

-today! throat still hurt like a bitch. couldn't really eat or drink much but I had an apple and some water before taking a dose of ibuprofen.

-went to work. started getting a migraine on the way. benadryl often takes the edge off of my migraines so my dad (who was giving me a ride to work) agreed to swing by a store and pick some up after dropping me off at work, and then swing back and bring me the meds.

-HOWEVER! you know what the first thing i did upon pulling into the parking lot at work was?

-puke. A LOT. big ol pile of puke in the parking lot. disgusting.

-called the front desk and let them know that i in fact made it to work but that i just vomited my guts out in the parking lot and should probably go home. they were like, "yikes, yeah, definitely go home, please feel better soon" and canceled all my students for the day. I'm Extra Upset by this bit because 2 of my students have missed a lot of lessons recently (one because they were on vacation, another because there were no lessons on 4th of july, another because a different student canceled, and one because i was sick) and i really really really want to keep as much consistency as possible both for the student's progression, and for increasing my chances that they'll keep me as a teacher. and i also had one new adult student that i saw for the first time last week and am super bummed that i already had to throw a wrench in his new experience learning an instrument.

anyway,

-throat was still hurting like a BITCH and i obviously needed to eat and drink especially since i THREW THE HELL UP EARLIER so i made another virtual urgent care appointment.

-got through the entire intake process as far as submitting all the forms. all that was left was for someone to call me and confirm all the info.

-i get the call! confirm the info! the lady says she'll send me a link to the visit as soon as we hang up.

-BUT THEN she asks me if i'd had a virtual visit the day before for the same reason, and i said yeah! and then she says! that i can't have a virtual visit because blah blah blah they cant do telehealth appointments for one patient for the same reason in less than 7 days! which like! ok i guess but PERHAPS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN POINTED OUT WHEN I SELECTED THE REASON IN THE INTAKE FORMS 15 MINUTES AGO???

-but whatever! okay fine! so i made an appointment for the in person clinic and was able to be seen relatively quickly.

-everybody was super nice (literally all of the medical people i've dealt with over the last two days have been super nice) and one of the desk ladies told me i have a "really sweet voice" and that made me Happyyyy and so i told her how happy it made me and that it meant an extra lot because i used to have a violin teacher who would tell me my voice was annoying and the lady was like "omg wtf" and i was like "i know right? i was like 13" and she's like "daaaaang wtf!' and im like RIGHT???

-even though i was able to be seen relatively quickly it still took kind of a long time for the nurse practitioner herself to get to me, but once she did, it was smooth sailing from there. covid, flu, and strep tests were negative. prescribed me prednisone for the sore throat. took my first dose in the clinic. picking up the rest of it from a pharmacy tomorrow.

-its now 3am as i type this and my throat is feeling significantly better. took my 3rd dose of antibiotics earlier tonight, along with some tylenol, since apparently ibuprofen can have some reactions with prednisone, and since my throat at that moment was still pretty sore. but i think by now i can finally EAT SOMETHING so thats what imma do, and then imma *samuel l jackson voice* Go The Fuck To Sleep.

[sodafrog13]

random swans hcs under the cut ✌🏼

- alex and ash are identical twins and were both amab; alex found out she was trans and transitioned while they were still in high school (i think she actually just kept the name bc she liked it but even if she didn't, i'm thinking her deadname would probably also have started with an A)

- speaking of, both of them played football while they were in high school. alex was more of the star player of the two of them; ash was almost exclusively a bench warmer. their uniforms in current day consist of parts of their old football uniforms

- even though tony is their unofficial ""leader"", the whole idea for the vigilante copycat stuff was the davis'. not rlly much basis for this one admittedly but i think it makes sense, considering they're the most politically active (relatively speaking) of the fans

- and the reason why that is is that they had family who were living in san francisco when it got bombed. again, not much basis but it does make sense to me considering they're motivated enough to be picketing outside the courthouse during jacket's trial. i specifically also have a kind-of oc that's their little cousin who lives in SF; i shifted around some things to feature her in UDC, my beardjacket au fic, but she's existed in my mind even before writing that chapter and i'd like to flesh her out more one day

- i think they're both bi (w pref for the opposite gender) and that ash is ace. that's just on me :-)

- they make fun of each other for being gay All The Time. wlw/mlm hostility.

- ash moved out at some point and lives with his (boy)friend, jack. he still frequents the house somewhat often to hang out with alex, since they're so close, but he very rarely sleeps there anymore

- alex is a little touchy about the whole thing, but she gets it. she just wasn't ever thinking about the possibility of either of them moving out since they've basically been together they're whole lives so she's just been moody about it ever since ash brought it up to her. she's a lot better abt it now, though

- ash is a lot more organized than alex is. he was the only reason the house was ever clean; since he's left, alex really only cleans up if things are getting Direly trashy

- alex LOVES horror movies. ash thinks they're ok. they watch a bunch of them together and alex spends a lot of pocket money on VHS tapes of her favorites

- ash is more of a video game guy. they had a console in the house but he took it when he moved out; alex really only ever used it if ash was playing something multiplayer anyways so she didn't consider it a huge loss

- that said, they both love listening to music. they had a bit of an argument over who was taking what when ash moved out (since their collection was joint owned) and alex ended up keeping the records while ash took the cassettes since ash is the one who actually has a car

- both of them can drive but alex honestly doesn't need a car; she'd take the bus to work most days anyways since ash started his day earlier than she did and would be out the door before she even woke up

- the both have insomnia but alex's is decidedly worse. for some reason, the meds that ash uses don't rlly work on her so she ends up staying up and waking up late. she falls asleep at her job often

- alex works a boring office job. she tolerates it; it's relatively easy and pays fine and she learned some basic computer knowledge from ash so she's basically set on being there for however long she can.

- she also does music on the side, specifically electronic stuff. not ever a thing she'd consider for a job but one of her favorite past times is smoking and jamming out on her synth. ash partakes in these jam sessions sometimes; part of me wants to say he plays a little electric guitar (and that he'd probably love guitar hero)

- ash works in IT. his computer knowledge is almost entirely self taught (esp considering he and alex's would be college years were spent serving in hawai'i) but he's damn good at what he does so it was pretty easy for him to get hired

- their relationship with their folks is... fraught. the whole reason they joined the army was to get away from them, particularly because their mom had always been rather nasty to alex because she favored ash and ash was always really annoyed by that. they thought is was the best years of their lives thus far. ever since coming back home to pick up their stuff when they got back from deployment, they cut contact with them (but not the rest of their family. that said, they refuse to go to any family functions if they kno their parents are gonna be there)

- alex is pretty butch and dislikes wearing fem clothing. ash is honestly kind of more wishy washy about the whole thing; he'd be open to wearing slightly more fem stuff like skirts if he wasn't so put off by the idea of being judged for doing so. most ""fem"" he'll get is painting his nails black every so often

- idk something in my heart just tells me they'd like karaoke. they'd both belt that shit out, no holds barred (but also fans karaoke night just sounds like such a fun idea. just all of them getting wasted and singing silly shit)

- they're just each other's #besties y'k? swans stick together their whole lives and all

[seawitchkaraoke]

My adhd meds do kinda just hack my "if I could focus it's over for you bitches" handicap on math proofs. I just handed in this week's exercise sheet and uh. I wrote 18 pages. I did two proofs for one of the questions bc I'd already done the first one and then thought of a proof I liked better. Like. I've always been smart but usually I'd get distracted and run out of time to really do my best work but now? Once I get started I just work the problem until I've got it figured out and then! I also manage to actually write it down coherently for other ppl to understand which is kinda important when it's graded y'know! And I can do it consistently, not just every now and then when a proof is extra super fun.

I still need a boost to get started but that's what I've got a study group for. Am I usually the one doing all the harder proofs? Yes. Do I happily hand them the free points just for them making me get started more than a day before the deadline? Also yes.

Now sure, I haven't eaten anything since breakfast, but this sheet is due at 10am tomorrow and I handed it in before the sun is even down and I'm pretty sure it's all correct so I'll take it okay

Anyway I think I have some pizza in the freezer, let's make that

[writingonleaves]

not sure if you’ve addressed this yet or not but how do clem and nico navigate both having busy schedules? also is there anything else you’d like to share because i can never think of questions to ask 😭

omg hey! this is such a great question and one i think about a Lot. it'll definitely be addressed more in part two which will be out .... soon (lol) but here are some of my thoughts about it below! adding a read more bc this will probably be longer than you asked for

i am by no means an expert on med school / residency so i'm basing it off research and some of my friends who are incredible enough to go on the journey to become smart-ass doctors, but that life is Busy for clem, especially because she's technically doing two residencies in one. its not shown much in the first part, but besides being at the hospital and taking classes, clem doesn't really have the energy to do that much besides eat and sleep and occasionally bother jack and luke for shits and giggles lmao

on the other side (during the season at least) nico is, well, a hockey player. his schedule is all out of whack and during his days off, he truly Takes Them Off and usually just lounges around.

when we put them together, it's similar in the fact that they're both so occupied all the time, but then, like you'd imagine, it doesn't overlap much.

tbh, clem's schedule is probably more predictable, despite it being busy. she doesn't really have days off (unless it's after an overnight shift) (which i also could be making up so if any residents are reading this i apologize) but it's more consistent in terms of the times she's home.

so, as these two enter the 2024-2025 season, this time as a couple, it starts with them hanging out on the nights nico doesn't have a game and isn't on the road.

and then from there, it kinda just, works? like ofc they're both busy but they do dedicate one night a week to date night, even if they're just relaxing on the couch together (unless the devils are on a road trip) and clem does try to go to a game when she can to support. usually at least once a month.

but also keep in mind that clem has been around The Hockey Life in one way or another for so long now, so she understands more than most might at the start

logistics aside now, emotionally, as we've (hopefully) seen, clem is pretty independent. she doesn't need to be hearing from nico at all times of the day. if anything, nico is the "clingier" one between them, which is saying a lot because nico is pretty independent too

it takes a bit of trial and error, but they find that honest communication is key, as well as taking the time they do have together to have it be just them (though ofc jack and luke and various other teammates crash, because everyone loves clem, but they find a balance)

it does naturally make things easier that clem lives with jack (and luke) and nico already has a strong friendship with the former (and eventually the latter) so when dates are at the trio's apartment, there's not really much awkwardness or an adjustment period needed.

all in all, it's not easy by any means, and more challenges come up later on which i hope i'll address (being The Captain's girlfriend and getting more involved with the other significant others, the off-season, etc etc) but clem and nico are both mature enough to figure it out, and they love and care about each other enough to want to figure it out, you know?

that was SO long LOL and tbh i might've said a whole lot of nothing but thank you for asking!! these are the kinds of questions i love answering and i hope people like seeing the answers to. writing is great and its lovely, but it can only answer so much without seeming too unnatural, you know?

hmm, idk if i have anything else to add without giving anything away 🙃 maybe that something i've been thinking about a lot is that clementine, for her whole life, has been taking care of others (her mother after her father died, the brothers, her patients etc etc) so it's in her to be nurturing. i think nico is the first person in her life who she lets take care of her. quinn, jack and luke try, and clem tries to let them, but she'll always be their older sister you know? it's different with nico

okay thats enough from me lol. thanks for sending this in anon! i hope you're having a lovely day <3

[tonberry-yoda]

hello may I request a romantic matchup for final fantasy vii?

my pronouns are they/them and I don't have a preference for the gender of my match^^

my mbti is intp. I'm a very shy and reserved person in public, I try not to cause too much attention but also express myself openly. I suffer from anxiety ( I don't take meds or anything so I'm usually on edge) and overthink about people/other things. If you get to know me, im a huge extrovert and cheerful person. I love making jokes and laughing <3 I'm airheaded and clumsy. I'm a very random person too, more eccentric for sure. I do the most offwall things because I'm bored ( like jumping off things or asking off-putting questions). I love talking! About anything I'm hyperfixated on atm ( as in old interests or new ones!) and I can go on for hours . I'm pretty childish, but mature and mother like when I need to be. I love physical affection (even tho I say I hate it) anything like hugs is nice for me! I'm a caring person and mostly a listener. Very sassy (which people say it's "cute" from me) and sarcastic, with a whole lot of blunt. I'm a flirt too, but anything flirty from someone else gets me shy. I get very bad mood swings and it is causing trouble for me to make friends or keep them, since I'll just isolate myself from them- I also have insecurities regarding my looks (particularly my body) so I get v sour when I think about that. Alot of the times you can tell when I'm in a mood bc I get quiet. Anyway I'm a lazy, procrastinater and plainn lmao.

I love playing the piano, anime/manga, true crime (i rlly wanna be a forensic scientist), horror/gore, sanrio, videogames (i'm ur classic gamer, mt dew and doritios), oversized clothings

I dislike insects, hot weather, exercise, any bright neon colors,crowds/parties, people telling me what to do , injustice , and mornings

my music taste consists of everything (exepct country or rap music) so like Deftones,Slipknot,Korn,Ethel cain, lana del ray, HIM, tyler the creator, any vocaloid or anime songs (specially nightcore) or i love video game music

as for my fashion i dress very alternative (ihaveaseptum), kind of like a pinterest board but mostly black or like chainsaw man (power style lol). I'm a big metal head so band t'shirts or recently scene emo is my favorite

hi there! you are my first person to request from any final fantasy games and I am so over the moon about it!! i didnt know how many people actually enjoyed the series on here or wanted writing from it so thank you!!! <333 i have the perfect character for you!

the character I chose for you is...

AERITH!!!

now consider

your more dark style contrasted with her more bright style

i think it'll work beautifully

she helps calm your anxiety and truly does love you

she laughs at all your jokes and will definitely bring out that cheerier side of you when she's around

she will answer all of your weird questions honestly and surprise you by asking one too lmaooo

she will listen to you talk for hours

loves to hear what you're passionate about

you and her are both very similar by being childish and mature at the same time and you both annoy Cloud because of it lmfaoooo

you'll flirt with each other, but get flustered when it's the other person's turn lmfao

play the piano for her

she loves the piano

supports you in your dream to become a forensic scientist, thinks it's amazing that you want to do that

she will sit on your lap and hug you while you play videogames

is a literal sanrio character, so you're all good (she will buy you hello kitty merch tho frrr)

you and her both beg Cloud to be the one to kill any bug in the house lmfaooooo

lots of cuddling and just being by each other's side in your perfect little contrast :)

~~~~~

matchup rules --- pinned post

@tonberry-yoda

[canisbaileyilupus]

I've had a lot going on, time to recap. Can't seem to do a read more on mobile for some reason.

My mom's friend is mentally ill and has been floating around with meds for a couple years and hasn't been consistent in taking them properly. She's also a recovering alcoholic and relapses often.

My mom has been friends with her for 30 years and I am forced to live with my mom bc I can't live alone (rent is awful). Now, mom decides on her own to let her live with us. I disagree but she never asked me. So, in August (I think?) She moves in. She's been told it's not permanent and she'd have to get back on her feet since she was escaping an abusive relationship. Not my problem, I didn't have a choice. So, she's been told the rules, no smoking inside, clean up after yourself, no drugs or alcohol, take her meds on time, etc. This also included buying her own food and paying rent. Mom then goes back on that, saying she can buy her own food but also share ours. That wasn't in the agreement, but I can't fight her on it. Now, food and bills go up. It's costing me more to feed this 55 year old spoiled brat than to put gas in the car.

Since being diagnosed with autism, she's ignored my "I can't handle loud voices and sounds" and the rules of "be quiet or people will report us." She uses her vape pen inside (yes that's included in the smoking rule) and she's relapsed twice since being here (alcohol). She waits until the last minute to make phone calls to therapists, doctors, and housing office to find a place to live. When she doesn't get the therapy she wants she throws a fit.

Now, it's months later, and we got our very first lease violation. The apartment complex office is aware we have someone living here that's not on the lease. And she's been warned on her voice (blames BPD) so much it's annoying and that's also a lease violation.

I am in fear of being evicted. This is our only warning. The next time they send our a lease violation email, they will file eviction papers and we will end up with 30 days to leave.

This is what I've been dealing with for months. I'm so fucking tired.

And there's a lot of small things that bother me too, really gross stuff. She shits and pees herself and refuses to wear diapers. She has done so much laundry it's scary. If we paid for water, we would be unable to live here. She uses a full roll of toilet paper a day to wipe her ass and absolutely explodes the toilet. She leaves her hair everywhere. She never put her shit away either, everything is everywhere. Every room she goes in it's like a tornado. She also doesn't clean her dishes, leaves coffee grounds everywhere and doesn't understand that the water bottles are for my mom and I bc we can't drink the tap water. She's also said I'm rude bc I don't want to have a conversation. I'm not someone who talks a lot, everyone knows this about me. If I wanna talk, I'll talk. If not, I don't participate in conversation.

Let's put this last bit out here for you guys. She is spoiled. She has gotten everything she's ever wanted to a point where if she wanted money, all she has to do is cry to the right people, annoy her mother long enough, abuse her power over a partner to a point they give her money. Even now, she's 55 and her mom is dealing with her father who has dementia. She still calls her crying and to shut her up her mom throws money at her. She's had a maid pretty much her whole life and has never had to struggle financially. Now that she is poor, she doesn't want to give up her spending habits and everytime she has a little money she'll buy shit she doesn't need, including furniture she can't put anywhere for an apartment she doesn't have.

I'll be adding photos when I get a moment as well. Some photos will include a toilet bowl but only if people wanna see it.

[thefinalwitness]

i slept all day and im still severely hurty but i think. we're getting there. o|–< im including a readmore to catch up new ppl who are curious bc ive found being open about my chronic pain has helped inform others to their own so!!!! i like sharing

i've had a gradually worsening chronic illness since 2019-2020—it's hard to say for sure when it started, but my physically demanding job at a retail store slowly went from perfectly doable to 'i cant even survive a four hour shift without multiple episodes of hiding in the bathroom just to let some of the pain subside'.

i ultimately had to quit that job in early 2021, and at the time had a writing job that i thought, surely this will be okay! i was wrong. it was so hard to work as consistently as was needed of me. i spent so much time just writing and then sleeping so i might recover fast enough to do more writing. i was ALWAYS late on deadlines no matter how hard i tried.

eventually that job closed down in general, so naturally i lost it, but i know in my heart i would have had to quit within 6 months otherwise. that was late 2021. i've been unemployed since, with no disability because despite ongoing, regular visits with doctors, we dont know WHATS wrong with me, therefore i do not have a diagnosis, therefore i cannot qualify for disability in my area. yippee!

so that's the backstory! i started pain meds last fall and theyve helped A LOT. i can have fun sometimes! i went to pride this year for the first time since 2019!! there's definitely still something wrong, and lately i do believe it's still worsening (at a slower rate than before i was getting treatment at all), but i've gotten through a lot of the guilt for being 'an unemployed, unproductive human being' and have learned how to be kinder and patient with myself. it's not my fault i'm sick. it's not my fault 'my best' doesn't look like other people's. my family loves me not for what i can do for them, but because they just love me.

it's hard to feel your ability to Do Things slip away. how i cant go to amusement parks anymore bc the trip would wipe my ass out for weeks. how i cant even go to a barbecue next door some days bc everything just hurts too much. the simultaneous RESILIENCE you build, the tolerance for your own pain that makes you second-guess if it's even real. it took me so long to realize what i was feeling was NOT normal, that most people don't have to RATION their activities, their chores, their BASIC HUMAN MAINTENANCE to make sure you don't screw yourself over for tomorrow by being in too much pain to move.

today was bad. i had a really stressful day yesterday, and woke up in so much pain it was literally all i could do to sleep. couldn't eat, couldn't go to the bathroom, couldn't sit up, could BARELY speak. it was like my body was screaming at me, "we should be in a COMA right now, we should be UNCONSCIOUS, this is not something humans were designed to consciously endure." and that's WITH 6+ months medical pain management. it genuinely scares me imagining what this would've felt like today if i WASN'T on my meds.

i'm still very in the woods, but i'm trying to make the most of my situation! i'm open to questions if you want to learn more about this, as one of the biggest things that made me realize i needed help was OTHER PEOPLE being open about their chronic condition. it's not pretty, by any means, i've left out the grossest realities here, but i think it's important to share, in case i can do for someone what those people did for me.

thanks for reading!!!! i appreciate being heard on this too. it's scary, i still worry people will think i'm lazy or a crybaby, so it means a lot when people take the time to try and understand.

<3

[choco-strawberry-vanilla]

So, life Update: June 2023

I'll soon be 25 and still haven't managed to finish uni due to extenuating financial reasons my family put me into before I was 18 haha.

Grandma died in early 2021 and yea, took me abt a year to be able to laugh out loud again and I still struggle with smiling on pictures n stuff. Planning on getting a Monarch Butterfly tattoo in her honour bc we were gonna get one together before she died and then she chickened out.

Was supposed to get a job permit (I'm a foreigner living in another country) over a year ago and GUES THE FUCK WHAT??? the legal assistant I paid to a year ago told me just yesterday that his mentor (the one giving his legal power for everything, will explain if needed) PLAYED DEAD AND MADE A PUBLIC POST ABOUT HIS FUNERAL AND THE AUTHORITIES SAW THAT AND DELETED MY CASE FROM THE WORK MINISTRY. The bastard didn't tell me anything for the year he was supposedly processing everything and I had to chew him out over the phone until he told me everything.

*he now re-submitted everything, and I'm supposed to get it in abt 5 months*

ONTO GOOD NEWS

I have been in a relationship with C since Oct. 2018, been living together for more than a year now, and we're getting a house together (under their name bc I'm hillariously inellegible for ANY sort of loans or mortgages). We're expecting news from the real estate agency so we can sign the final docs and get our keys.

Along with that, we've been in a poly relationship with a wonderful guy from the UK, J, for almost 2 years. He's come to visit us once (for a whole month) and we spent Christmas and New Year's together at his place.

While at his place, I got a daith piercing (very pretty) and C got their ears pierced (looks very cute with them hehe). Sadly, I had to get my daith out bc I had to take and emergency CATscan and the piercing was too fresh to replace jewelery for a silicone one (and it was 3am when I got the scan, too lmao).

No worries abt the scan tho. Been having chronic, debilitating migraines since I was 19. Never paid them much attention bc no drs would take them seriously. CAT came out normal and neurologist put me on some new treatment to help prevent them (not working tho haha)

Good news is: if they put me under disability, I'll get 25% plane ticket discounts and meds, so I guess that's good reward from life, considering I really cannot even keep a job for more than 2 months bc of the migraines.

ANYWHO

Once C and I get all the pertaining docs for the house, we can move in right away and abt a month after that, I'll go stay with J for 6 months (stayed 3 last time).

My cats (Alcaparra and Oliva) are now 3 and 4 years old, respectively. They are super pampered, and I plan on taking them with me once we move to the UK with J EVENTUALLY.

I'm very excited abt having our own place, where I can use a drill at 3am or whenever I want nyehehehehe.

Since I'm not working (for legal and medical reasons), I mostly do lil housewife chores like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, feeding the cats, doing dishes, meal-prepping, and running errands.

Things are still far from perfect, and I'm struggling a lot with my self-value without a job. I'm very lucky to have kind and understanding partners who are willing to take care of me and let me take care of them in return. Talking with friends also helps a lot, even if I have lacked the social energy to be able to consistently hang out with them for more than 3 years.

That's it for the almost-quarter-of-century life update!