#and at this rate youre going to ruin your daughters self esteem too all because you believed this company

[cainite-bite]

it really gets me watching some of the old modeling shows because what got to be touted as an “out their high effort glam” look is now a look thats shilled as a very average look. Its gotten so far out their that it wouldnt even be considered glam by todays standards because we’ve just added so much more and so many more steps/products and I want to know why the fuck we’ve let the industry do this

[staywritten]

A Love That Lasts│Bang Chan│II

A Love That Lasts │ Chapter II

Synopsis: You’ve spent the last two years, helping your very handsome next door neighbor raise his adorable daughter. The two of you fell into a routine before you knew it. And now you had this little family. You couldn’t help but fall for him. 

Genre: Parent!Au, Dad!Bang Chan, Fluff, Nonidol!Au, smut in a later chapter

Word Count: 2303

Part I

Felix opened the door to Chan’s apartment, heading straight for the fridge “G’day Channie-Hyung” he grabbed the orange juice, helping himself to a glass.

Chan sighed looking back to his computer “You do know this is breaking and entering right?”

“Hey, you’re the single dad, not locking his door here, who’s really at fault?” He scoffed, tossing back his juice. “Anyway, how’s my favorite niece?”

“Fair” Chan closed his laptop before joining Felix in the kitchen. “And your only niece is fine, just changing her outfit for the umpteenth time this morning.” his eyes narrowed “I feel like it’s for a boy and I wanna fight him already”

“Chan relax he’s five” he chuckled. “Besides you can’t deprive Minseo of dating the way you deprive yourself.”

“I’m not deprived. I just haven’t found anyone” he grumbled to himself.

“You’re not looking either, come on let me set you up on a date” he groaned “You know my coworkers are always asking about you. You know Yeji right? Any time you stop by my shoots she always tries to get me to give her your number” 

“I don’t need to date, I’m content really.” He chuckled lightly. “Besides Felix I’m a dad, I’m sure some twenty-year-old model isn’t trying to date me”

“Ok, first off you’re hot so please give yourself more credit and secondly, I’ll lay off but it’s been like five years since Minseo’s mom... you telling me you don’t have any needs? You don’t get lonely? Or even want Minseo to have a mom? I’m not saying going on a date is gonna change all that but, don’t close the door to it”

“Felix please-”

“Fine, fine. But tell me does this have anything to do with a certain sexy doctor next door? Are you two finally…?” he waved his hands around in the air vaguely while wiggling his eyebrows. 

“No! She’s my friend. My very beautiful and caring friend. But a friend”

“First of all, if she's only a friend, you wouldn’t have had to say it that many times, sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of that. Secondly, it’s been like two years, You seriously not gonna make a move? You two are practically married, do you realize that right?”

“We are not! She’s just my frien-neighbor, occasionally she helps out with Minseo just like you, Jisung, and Changbin.”

“You guys eat dinner together like every night” he crossed his arms over his chest, looking at him in disbelief.

“She lives alone, and she said it’s no trouble cooking for two more.” he sighed. “I know what you’re thinking, our relationship isn’t conventional but it’s completely platonic. Stop looking at me like that Felix. I can have platonic feelings and recognize that she’s hot”

The door swung open as you popped in. Your smile instantly brightening the room. “Hey, Felix! It’s been a while” you wave before shouting down the hallway “Minseo! Baby let’s go, I’m dropping you off today”

Chan turned to you and smiled, meeting you near the door “Thanks for taking her today”

“It’s no problem, good luck at work today, oh and remember to pick up dinner on your way back. I already placed an order for tonight”  you smiled, absently adjusting his button up, smoothing down the collar. “There, now you look ready for a meeting” 

“I got it, I got it” he smiled shyly. “Thank you” His eyes twinkling meeting yours. He reached for your hand, giving it a warm squeeze. “Seriously, thank you for everything”

There was something about how he was looking at you that just made you feel so shy, before you could say anything you heard Minseo running down the hallway, her little feet padding against the wood floor. ‘I’m reaaaaadddddy!” She came barreling out, backpack bouncing as she hugged Chan and gave him a kiss “ByeBye Daddy, byebye Uncle Felix” You held her hand, before kissing Chan on the cheek and walking her out, giving them a final wave. 

“See you tonight Chris”

Chan knew he was done for the minute you pressed your lips against his cheek, and his first reaction was to try and chase your lips. It was the subtlest of moves, but he caught himself. Hoping that Felix hadn’t noticed. He closed the door after watching you two disappear down the stairs, only to be met with Felix’s judgmental stares. 

“Mate, are you kidding me?”

“I… that was pretty domestic wasn’t it?” he raised his brow nervously. 

“It felt like a damn sitcom, I mean it was cute as hell but still”

“Ok, ok set up your little blind date, I’ll go” he groaned. 

“You sure man? Like you two are really cute, you could just ask her out”

“I can’t man...it feels like I’m taking advantage of her...I don’t want her to date me out of a weird obligation she has for Minseo...and like...what if I mess it up?”

“Bro, I don’t understand how your self-esteem got this low but I’ll handle setting up your blind date. I’ll even babysit Minseo for you”

“Thanks, Man”

You walked into your office, placing your bag on your desk. Traffic was pretty light, and Minseo’s school brought you closer to the highway so you made excellent time. “Good Morning Dr. Lee~” you smiled as you looked over your patient files for the day, seeing your colleague walk in. 

Minho gave you a knowing smile “You sure look chipper today. Did you finally make a move on your hot neighbor”

You groaned covering the rising heat on your face. “Ugh please don’t remind me, I’m mortified. This morning I went to his place to pick up his daughter and bring her to school”

“Ugh you guys are sickening, that’s so cute” Minho rolled his eyes, sipping his coffee. “What happened? You jump his bones?”

“You’re disgusting” you scoffed before sinking in your seat. “He was just so cute, and he had a meeting this morning so he was all dressed up and like, I dunno I couldn’t help it. I was fixing his shirt, and like leaned in and kissed his cheek and ugh” you squealed hiding in your arms. 

“Oh my god, this is like foreplay for you isn’t it? You’re so touch starved, that really got you this worked up”

“Oh shut it Minho” you pouted. “He’s just so cute…”

“So when’s the wedding?”

“At this rate, Minseo is gonna get married before me” you sighed.

“Who’s fault is that? You’re attracted to him, you love his daughter, she loves you. You guys are literally a family. What’s stopping you from dating him?”

“I just don’t want to ruin this…”

“Ruin what? Your relationship? Why do you feel like you guys are gonna fail? Don’t you think it’ll be harder for Minseo to have to adjust to another woman in her life aside from you? She’s known you for half her life, as far as she’s concerned you’re family.” he sighed. “Think about it, you’re trying to avoid awkwardness from failing at a relationship because you don’t wanna lose what you have, but if Chan finds someone else and she is perfect for him you’re gonna lose Minseo and him because what woman is gonna want you around?”

Your eyes widened as his words sank in. He had a point, you were fighting to keep what you could untouched for as long as possible, but there was a chance that someone could take them from you and it broke your heart. 

“I’m not trying to scare you...But just maybe talk to him and see if the attraction was mutual”

His words were in the back of your mind all day, any moment you weren’t throwing into your work or patients it was lingering. Did you really stand a chance with him? Could there be a future? 

“If it isn’t my favorite Doctor” a low voice called out of your thoughts, making you look away from the charts. 

“Oh Hey, Dr. Kim” you gave him a cordial smile. 

“I told you to call me Woojin” he gave you that toothy smile, taking a seat on your desk. “How’s your day going?”

“Steady, it’d be even better if my nurse could finish his rounds” you called out a little louder seeing nurse Hyunjin going for yet another cup of coffee outside your office.

“I’m on it” he chimed.

Woojin chuckled before clearing his throat. “So...tonight me and a bunch of the guys are going drinking.”

“The guys?” you raised a brow. 

“Seungmin from pediatrics, Minho from ER, Jihyo and Naeyeon from neuro, a few of the nurses.” he smiled “You wanna come? It’ll be at the pub down the road.”

“Thank you for the invite but I’m busy after work”

“Can’t it wait?”

“I’m picking up a little girl from school. I’m not gonna make her wait” you gave him a forced smile, not liking to defend yourself. 

“Sorry” he raised his hands in defeat. “It won’t be until later, like 11pm since Minho doesn’t get off until then so...if you find yourself with the time swing by.” he smiled “I’ve worked with you for years but I feel like I barely know you.”

“And your way of getting to know me, is at a loud bar with all our co-workers?”

He laughed “You have a point. Maybe we can do coffee sometime.” he pat your desk before heading out. “I’ll text you the address for tonight just in case.”

“Later” you waived, shaking your head. 

After work you grabbed Minseo from school, and she told you every single thing about her day and how her teacher Mr. Yang complimented her dress and all the new hairstyles she wanted to try. Once you got her home and washed up the two of you winded down with some tv as you practiced making her the perfect pigtails for school tomorrow. 

It took the entire day but you finally built up the courage to talk to Chan about your feelings, and possibly address this obvious attraction. You figured you weren’t gonna jump right into Hey, lets date. But somewhere along the lines of. You feel this too, right?

“I’m home” Chan chimed, setting his laptop down just in time to catch his daughter running at full force into his arms. “Hey Baby” he showered her with kisses. “I missed you!”

“How much?” she giggled between his kisses 

“To the moon and back!” he spun her playfully, laughing with her as she giggled. He gave you a tired smile “I even remembered to pick up dinner”

“Perfect”, I was starting to worry since you were late” you smiled helping him unpack it as he had his hands busy with his daughter. Looking over at his stuff, your brows furrowed at the clothing store shopping bag “You did some shopping on your way home?”

“...I did” he faltered, setting Minseo down so she could grab her ribbon from school. He rubbed his neck nervously. “Felix set me up on a blind date tomorrow, and I didn’t have anything appropriate to wear. He thinks I’m out of touch, so he helped me find something”

“Oh…” you almost hated yourself for how obviously disappointed you sound. “Anyone I know?” you practically slammed the container down, trying to figure out what to do with this surging uncomfortable feeling.

“No... Um she’s one of Felix’s model coworkers...” his voice small, all of his nerve dissipating seeing your shift in mood.

You were never one to hide your feelings. You wore your heart on your sleeve. Deceiving people was not one of your strong points. Your eyes shifted down before you forced a laugh. “Wow, a model...that’s nice. I’m sure you’ll look great in what Felix picked out” you unpacked the dinner quicker, clearing your throat to try to ignore the rising tension. 

Chan just stood there, fiddling with his watch, rocking on the heels of his food. Each tick of the second hand on the clock, acting almost like a constant reminder of how awkward it felt. 

“...Did you need a babysitter for tomorrow?” you finally asked after the suffocating silence.

“No...Felix is gonna watch her…” Chan fiddled with his fingers awkwardly. The mood between you two fell instantly, and suddenly he regretted this whole blind date thing. Was it presumptuous to assume you were upset because of him? “I...are you ok…?”

Are you ok? What kind of question is that anyway? It always prompted such a negative response from you. If you had to ask someone if they were ok, that meant they very obviously seemed bothered. And yet there it is slapping you in the face alongside the only acceptable answer to follow up the question with because of social niceties. “I’m fine.” you gave him a bright, tight-lipped smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. “I...I’m just starving” you tried to blink away the tears that threatened to fall. 

Minseo came out of her room holding her ribbon “This is what Mr. Yang gave me today he said I had the best outfit because it was a blue day and we learned about everything blue and my dress was blue” she beamed. 

“Beautiful Baby, I’m so proud of you” Chan picked her up “You ready for dinner?”

“I’m so ready!” 

Chan sat her down in the chair and looked back toward you. “You ready to eat?”

And there was something about seeing Minseo’s face that just broke you. She frowned seeing your face. Your eyes were glazed over but you were smiling. But it wasn’t like your warm and bright smile she loved. You looked so sad.

She was always so sensitive to her surroundings, Kids were licked that, they could tell when you were sad, and they weren’t afraid to ask questions. And you couldn’t bring yourself to keep up the act in front of her. “Um actually. I just remembered” you laughed “I had a dinner thing tonight with my co-workers, a bunch of stressed doctors drinking tonight at the pub” you clapped your hands “Honestly I’m such a clutz, how could I forget?”

“But you just said you were hungry…” Chan frowned watching you gather your things. “You don’t have time to eat even a little?”

“I don’t. I forgot I have to dress up for this” you smiled, doing everything in your power to avoid looking at him. 

“You’re not eating dinner with us?” Minseo frowned.

“I’m sorry Baby…” you smoothed down her hair not wanting her to feel sad. “I forgot I had to do a work thing...But I’ll tell you what, I’ll stop by tomorrow after I get off of work to tell you a story.”

“Promise?”

“Promise” you wrapped your pinky around hers before pressing your thumb against hers. 

As you walked out, mumbling a small goodbye to Chan he grabbed your arm. His body moving before he could think, just hating this awkward feeling between you two. “Hey seriously...are you ok…?”

“I’m fine.” you gave him a weak smile.

And he didn’t have it in him to fight you on it. Like it wasn’t his place, because after all, you were just neighbors. 

You returned to your apartment and it suddenly felt far too big and far too empty for you. Sighing and slumping against your door. Of course, he’d start dating eventually... It just really sucked that he wanted to start the moment you realized that maybe you stood a chance to date him. 

And it wasn’t your place to tell him to not go. What were you even supposed to say? Hey, I know you’ve been completely platonic friends for the past two years but, hey I really like you sorry I waited for you to literally have a date before I told you? You wiped away the stray tears that fell down your cheek. 

Would it have been better if Minho never made you come to terms with your feelings? Perhaps, but a part of you knew that you would have been heartbroken regardless. All you could do now is to pick up the pieces and cherish what’s left of the time you had with Chan and Minseo. 

To be continued… 

▶Chapter III

I’m sorrryyyyyy 

this chapter went on a little longer than I planned so my series went from a 3 parter to 5 parter but don’t worry it’ll be uploaded quickly

<3

Let me know if you want me to tag you :3

[ashscherrypie]

Young Blood

Pairing: Ashton x Reader

Rating: M

WC: 2.1K

Summary: Reader is a college student who meets Ashton the summer before her senior year. They start a relationship that in the beginning is fun and loving with lots of sex. As time goes on, the relationship deteriorated due to preventable factors.

A/N: This my first piece in like two years. I may be a little rusty. Italics are flashbacks. I was in a relationship with someone 12 years older than me, so I am kind of writing from experience.  This is the first installment in my Youngblood series. I need more ideas so please feedback is welcome. Enjoy.

The city is humid, very humid. She feels and is sure she looks miserable with her perfect curls she spent an hour working on have long since fallen out, her dress feels like it’s stuck to her skin, and the heavy moisture in the air is making it hard for her to breath. However, the latter may be caused by something or someone else.

She was bored.

She decided to download a dating app on her phone for the hell of it. She thought she had nothing to lose, and really nothing to gain. She only downloaded the app to keep her boredom at bay and pass the time. She was also a little lonely, but would never admit it. She would also never admit that her loneliness was her own doing.

When the app was finally downloaded on her phone, she pressed the yellow icon and began her adventure. She spent two hours swiping left and right on guys, she had small talk conversations with a few guys but nothing too exciting. She decided that all the guys in her age range weren’t that exciting. She wanted to have a fun conversation, she even wanted to be asked out although she had little to no intentions of accepting their invitations.

The first man that popped up on her screen was a total dream. His picture grabbed her attention immediately. He was standing on what looked liked to be the top of the Empire State Building, he had on a light pink short sleeve button down tucked into black dress pants that were secured with a black Gucci belt. She had to admit that with all of the bright, and shining New York City lights in the background, his eyes shone the brightest.

Her eyes flicked down and she saw that his name was Ashton. She smiled because although she hasn’t heard that name very often he looked like an Ashton. She then looked to the right of his name an read that his age was 32. She scrolled through his photos and each more appealing than the last. When she finally reached his bio she learned that he was originally from Australia, he worked in marketing, he enjoyed yoga, whiskey, and food. SHe also noticed that he was less than a mile away from her, which excited her more than she could explain.

She swiped right on him. Maybe she was being naive but she kind of thought that they would have instantly matched, but they did not. As an hour went past and still no notification that she had matched with the gorgeous man named Ashton she decided to go to bed and call it a night.

When her alarm went off, and she had to get ready for her internship at the advertising agency the dating app, and the possible rejection from the older man named Ashton was weighing heavy on her mind. Half of her wanted to look at her phone immediately and see if he had contacted her, but the other half knew he probably didn’t and she didn’t feel like ruining her day and self-esteem at 6:30 am.

She was on the subway making her way to Midtown when she finally tapped on the yellow app icon. She noticed that she had a match and a message. It was a little embarrassing how hard her fingers hit the little message icon. She felt all air leave her young, and an airy gasp leaves her mouth. She also felt the eyes of several strangers crammed next to her on the stuffy train.

Ashton had messaged her first. Usually, she was the one who had to reach out to guys, not the other way around from that first message of him complimenting her smile, she knew Ashton would be different.

When she saw him walking towards her she wanted to run through traffic and onto the other sidewalk, or be hit by one of the million yellow cabs on the street. She hasn’t seen him in 6 months, a year and a half since they first matched and he told her that her smile was the brightest smile he has ever seen.

She was thinking about how he would always compliment her, and tell her that she was everything to him and that she was it. When she felt his absurdly large hand lightly grasp her smaller ones, she forgot how his hands felt on her skin and it took her back to the first time they met.

She and Ashton had a very flirty conversation on the dating app for a few hours. She would slyly check her phone when her superiors weren’t looking and try to contain her giddy giggle when he would compliment her. She liked how his personality seemed to match his eyes, bright, and unique.

He had asked for her number by noon, and by 7 pm she was waiting at this bar a few blocks from the hustle and bustle of Times Square. He recommended this bar to her because he said: “ you will totally forget that you are a few minutes away from possibly the craziest place in the world.”

Although she had only been sitting at that bar for 10 minutes she understood what he meant. She sipped on her Long Island when she felt a hand grasp hers. Soon as she felt that first touch she knew she never wanted to feel another mans hands on her again.

“Y/N!” He shouted probably a little too loud because several pedestrians looked in his direction but he honestly didn’t care. She looked beautiful. Se had on pink ankle pants, with pearls at the cuff and a white blouse with pearls embellished, and of course, white pumps with you guessed it… Pearls. Ashton smiled because he knew her love of pearls, she would even joke and say that their daughter one day will be named Pearl. His smile then faded when he realized that she used to want to have children with him.

She was all too used to waking up beside Ashton. Ever since their first in-person encounter in that bar, the pair has seen each other almost every day for the last 6 months. She thought that by now they would have laid it all out there and clarify what they exactly were, but they haven’t. She would be lying if she said that the lack of clarity if they were official or not was driving her batty. She loved him, she truly did. Their sex life was pretty amazing, but she knew it could be better if they were in an exclusive relationship. There were times where she thought Ashton felt the same, then there were times when she would see him with women closer to his age, and a complex would start to form in her mind.

The age gap was a big barrier in their relationship. Although he was 32 nearing 33, she felt that sometimes he was mentally her age, and she his. Despite her young age she wanted to be married, and have kids young.

So it’s no surprise that in her early morning sleepy state she rambles off saying that she wants to name their daughter Pearl. When those words came out of her mouth she regretted them and wanted to apologize to him immediately. Just as she was about to say she was sorry he grabbed her by the waist so she was pushed up flat against him. She felt his bulge on her core and felt that familiar pang of arousal in her belly.

“You want a baby with me?” He asks, both of their eyes trained on one another. She inches her face closer to his so that their mouths are now only inches apart.

“Yes, Ashton,” She breathes now their lips ghosting one another’s. “I want everything with you, but first I just want to be officially yours, and you mine. For the last six months, I just wanted to be your girlfriend, and screw the age gap! I want this, Ashton. I want us.”

And with that, he connected their mouths in a fiery, passionate kiss. He pushed her down on the bed and climbed on top of her. His mouth moved from her mouth to her neck where he began sucking a mark that will be there for the next few days.

She tangled her fingers into his hair and pulled as hard as she could. Ashton moaned into her neck and biting down at the sensitive skin on the column of her throat.

“Ashton, please. I need you.’ She begged breathlessly. And that’s all he needed. He slipped into her with ease and began with soft gentle thrusts. She then signaled him to go faster and that’s when he let all inhibitions go. He thrust roughly into her. One hand holding his body weight up by her hard and the other rubbing her little bundle of nerves. The only noises that could be heard where skin slapping skin, moans, and whimpers. She started to clench around him and with that Ashton whispered in her ear.

“Babe, cum for Daddy. Show him how good he makes his precious girl feel.” Just with those few words, she let go. That was their first time having sex as a couple.

“Ashton!” She exclaimed, waving her hand in his face. Ashton blinked a few times, pulling himself away from the thoughts of the first time he realized that he loved her. “Sorry, I was just thinking how I thought I’d never see you again.” He said bashfully looking at the ground. A little humorless laugh came from her. “Well that is your fault,” She said to him, her features now growing cold. “Remember, you told you wanted me back and we agreed to have dinner and you stood me up?” She asked rhetorically.

Ashton didn’t want to get into this with her in the middle of a random, busy sidewalk in Midtown during rush hour. “Y/N, I am sorry. I thought I was doing you a favor. Can we go grab dinner and talk?”

She is sitting at the fancy restaurant waiting for her ex-boyfriend. He wanted to work things out, he said he was over his reservations, and fear over their age gap, and the seriousness of their relationship. He was freshly 34, his friends were all married and had kids. He had someone who wanted that with him, but he couldn’t give it to her. She deserved someone who was closer to her age, someone who could grow with her as a person, someone who understood where she was at in life. He couldn’t. But he was selfish.

She really didn’t want to see him, but he begged her. He said that he wanted to be back in her life, and he was basically dead without her, and the last three weeks were hell for him.

So as she sat and waited for him for two hours. She sent him countless texts and called just as many times. Nothing.

She realized that he even though factually he was the older one, mentally she was. She was ready for it all. But he wasn’t. He never would be. He just kept pushing and pulling away from her, and their future. SHe had enough. So she got up, walked out of the restaurant and out of the relationship.

She wouldn’t believe what she was hearing. It would be a cold day in hell when she gave into him again. After thinking about everything he did to her, she realized he was ashamed of their age gap. He was ashamed of her. She refuses to indulge him, to give in and let the cycle repeat itself. For the first time in the years of knowing him,, she told him no.

It was their last goodbye

As she walked out of the restaurant Ashton kept his eyes trained on her from his car that was parked across the street. He wanted to get out of the car and chase after her, but he couldn’t. He hoped that one day he would run into her again and that it won’t be the last goodbye.

[fuckyeahimbrown]

Dying Inside (The war of grief)

by  Deborah Schurman-Kauflin Ph.D.

I am sorry you have found your way to this article because more than likely, you are reading it because you are suffering. In an instant, your life changed forever. You heard the news that no one ever wants to hear, words so horrible that you can’t even process them. Maybe your child was killed. Perhaps your loved one was diagnosed with a terminal disease, or it could have been you who got the bad news of illness. Your heart may have been broken when the love of your life betrayed you. And let’s not forget the silent grief of a child who has been abused and withers inside. There are many horrors in this world, and you may be one of the wounded warriors who limp through life after your life was destroyed.

I have worked with families of murder victims and police for many years. I also spend time advocating for those who have incurable, painful illnesses. In all my years, I have seen so much suffering and witnessed the secret tears of those who life has left behind. This article is for those of you who know the pains of great misery and the reality of how the world treats you when you are down.

Anyone who has been through a real trauma knows how it impacts your life. Devastation surrounds you, and at the time you need help most, many times, you don’t get it. In fact for a large group, help never comes.

Instead of softened empathy, you’ll hear all kinds of platitudes of how life’s sucker punch will make you stronger. Others will say it is part of some big mysterious universal plan that you are not allowed to know about, and that you simply must accept it (get over it). Then some will say the trauma was a good thing to bring about change in your life. For those of you out there that have heard these words, you know exactly how it made you feel. This notion that having your heart ripped out can make you stronger is nonsense. Destruction weakens you. It is the nature of the beast. Pain and suffering do not fortify you. They act like an anchor dragging you further and further into a dark pit. At best, some days all you can do is survive.

The raw nature of true trauma goes much deeper than societies will allow. What I mean by that is those suffering indeed suffer alone. In our world, people are not interested in hearing about the horror stories of others’ lives unless the stories are packaged into neat one hour television shows. To say that modern society is shallow is terrible understatement. People have become quite psychopathic in their lack of empathy.

Truth is very ugly. Anyone who has lived through or is living through hell knows what a horrific event can do to you. It ruins who you once were, and you know you will never be the same again. When your life has suffered a fatal blow, there is no coming back from that. You can’t be who you used to be. That simply is not possible, and for people who surround you, such a notion is unacceptable. People want you to be the sister, the wife, the brother, the husband or whoever they once knew. But how can you be who you were before that horrible event? After and during trauma, you are damaged. You change inside which is difficult for others. This can result in abandonment by people you thought were your friends. So many times, a husband will leave a sick wife or vice versa. ‘Friends’ slowly migrate away. Thus the hurt individual gets a double whammy.

There are many theories about grief, and people are not shy about telling you how they think you should be coping. However, there is no guide book for how you must respond to tragedy. Having worked with parents of murdered children and advocating for those suffering from incurable illnesses, I have seen what the war of grief does to human beings. They become battered as if combat veterans. They take one ‘punch’ right after another while doing their best to stay standing in a world that just doesn’t care about them. People will say that they care, but when you look at their behavior, it tells a much different story.

Sufferers are told hope is frail but difficult to destroy. They are lectured about how they must ‘get over’ the tragedy because it weighs them down. This advice is particularly cruel to those who lost a loved one or those enduring a horrible illness. There is no getting over having your life shattered into little pieces. Reality doesn’t work that way. Sure it reads well in books and sounds good in classes, but real life is very different from the world of ideas. If you have endured such things, you won’t get over it. You can integrate it into who you are, but you won’t forget.

Society in general has become quite indifferent to suffering of others. We have been so desensitized by the world’s traumas that our fellow man has become an object to be ignored. Anyone who has had the misfortune of being diagnosed with a bad illness knows how the medical system treats those who are suffering. Beyond the misdiagnoses and incorrect labels, patients suffer almost every indignity. When doctors cannot figure out what ailment patients have, patients automatically get labeled as head cases. Imagine what that does to someone suffering from a painful incurable disease that has been undiagnosed. Or take the example of the mother whose daughter had been murdered and her case botched by officers who were overly anxious to go off the clock. As she cried for justice she was told that this is the way things are, and she needed to pick up a hobby to distract her. One therapist told her to pick up a musical instrument, and she could strum her pain away!

So many parents of murdered children or those who are sick have had ‘friends’ slowly slide away as if no one will notice their absence. The fact is such people don’t want to see what could happen to them. The suffering is an ugly reminder to everyone what can happen in life, and for the shallow, walking away is easy. Then they don’t have to see the ugliness and can walk through life with their blinders on. And it isn’t just friends who jump off the sinking ship. Family members scatter as well. These fair weather relatives slink away when the going gets tough, but should there be any improvement, they come trotting back as if nothing ever happened. Yet the person who was going through the trauma knows exactly what transpired and what their fickle friends and family really are. There is no forgetting that.

Life destroying trauma is not something that the sufferer can get over. It bores into their souls and creates a new worldview where people become the enemy because frankly, they are. Few truly understand them which leads to isolation and an increasing inability to relate. If people are kicked when they are down, the injury sticks.

I know this sounds so ominous. Real life is messy and complicated and many times cruel. How many times have you gone through something so unbelievably horrifying that you can’t understand how it could have happened? You become lost in grief, almost as if in a parallel universe where everything seems backwards. Nothing is right, and without fail, when you are at your lowest point, bad things keep happening.

However, you are not alone.

There are others like you out there. There are walking wounded all around you who have learned to keep silent about their suffering. The pain you feel can be lessened. I’m going to be honest with you and say that your pain will never fully go away. Your loss will always be there, but this doesn’t mean that you cannot have a life after a trauma. It won’t be the life you planned, and I know how painful that can be. Just getting out of bed can be the best you can do in a day. If you think that is not big deal, then look at it another way. If you got out of bed, consider a victory. You did something, and that can be a first step. However, it will not be easy to find a new way of living. There are many obstacles in your way. Yet just trying can help build your self esteem.

I met a woman who was the victim of two attempted sexual homicides. Yes, you read that correctly. She was the victim twice in her life. The first time she was in her late teens, an attacker broke into her home. He raped and beat her, leaving her for dead. She was crippled physically and emotionally from the attack. Almost twenty years later, she was attacked again. Raped and strangled and left for dead, she somehow managed to survive. She does volunteer work for victims when she can and has managed to find some happiness in her life by helping others. However, she was very clear to me that the pain of the attacks is with her every day. It is not something she forgets, and she is very angry with her family and the mental health profession.

Her family left her one by one as time went on. They uttered such phrases as ‘you are too bitter for me’ or ‘you need to move on’ when she was suffering from the long term physical effects from the attempted murders. Professionals were no better. Doctors told her she shouldn’t still be having such horrible headaches years later and that she should just get used to the pain that went along with her traumatic brain injury. They told her not even to ask for any pain medication because they weren’t going to give it to her. She went to a balance disorder specialist who was rated as being compassionate. He gave her one heart medication for her dizziness which didn’t work. When she went back, the doctor said he didn’t want to try anything else, and she should just learn to live with her condition. Doctors failed her and treated her like dirt.

Counselor after counselor dropped her when she wasn’t progressing the way they wanted. She didn’t fit neatly into a box, so they didn’t know what to do with her. The first therapist wanted her to take a nerf bat and hit the wall when she got angry. When this didn’t help her, the therapist suggested blowing bubbles to reconnect with her childhood. Needless to say, this didn’t do the trick. So off she went to counselor number two. Number two wanted the victim to explore how she played a part in causing the attacks. What did she do in her life that drew these killers to her? When she reacted badly to this, the therapist dismissed her saying that she couldn’t heal until she owned up to her role in the attacks!

Number three simply refused to take her on as a client because she was seen a trouble maker who had already been to two professionals. Number four wanted her to journal her feelings. She said that just upset her more, and the psychiatrist gave her heavy doses of antidepressants. This improved her mood slightly but did nothing to help her work through her grief. When that doctor had nothing more to offer, the victim kept moving to find someone to help. It took seven professionals before she found one who was sympathetic, didn’t suggest that she was at fault, and took the time to simply listen. The victim said the best thing anyone did for her was to listen. The bad advice just made her angry and did nothing to heal her.

What those who are on the outside looking in don’t understand is that trauma becomes a part of who you are and colors how you view life. There is no magic pill to make it go away. There is no one with an enchanted wand to set this right. It is on the shoulders of those suffering to make a decision to live. I know how this sounds, but it is true. You must decide that you want a life. It won’t be the life you imagined, but you can find something better than the misery you live in. Those who have been through a deep trauma understand that the happiness will always be tempered by a hint of sadness. Yet there can be something better for you. When you are in the depths of despair, it seems impossible. But if you try to find something that gives you joy, you can find yourself actually laughing and smiling. I know your heart has been battered, and you will always be guarded. This is part of who you are now.

I can’t say what will do the trick for you. Only you can find what can make you happy. All I know is that the best thing you can do is try to find something that you love to do. Try to find someone who is sympathetic who can help point out resources which can be more tailored to you. Someone who is suffering from your illness or someone who has lost a loved one may know a good therapist or group that can help you. Just the thought of reaching out can be traumatizing, yet taking control of your life by stepping out can be helpful.

Don’t give up. You can find your spirit again. Keep looking for something you can love. Only you can do that, and the good news is that you don’t need someone else to take that first step. You have the power to do that. Give yourself the gift of easing your pain by doing something just for you. And keep trying. Reward yourself for taking the baby steps because you deserve every reward.

[imagine-loki]

The Baseborn Princess and the Aesir Prince

TITLE: The Baseborn Princess and the Aesir Prince

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 11 AUTHOR: wolfpawn ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine you’re a bastard daughter of a king of a far-off realm, the product of his drunken loneliness at battle. His guilt of cheating on his wife drove him to send you to live on Midgard, but due to the fact that his other children (and his wife) adore you, you’re often invited to visit. RATING: Teen and Up

Clodagh stood beside her sister as she declared her love for Hogun to the realm, reciting the words of marital bond as the ribbon was tied around their wrists and they became husband and wife. The usually stoic warrior looking at her lovingly as she spoke, telling Clodagh that he was perfect for her sister, it was clear to see, he worshipped the ground she stood on. It made her all the happier. She looked to those gathered. Thor was officiating the ceremony, something he had been honoured to do, since being named officially as the Crowned Prince on the announcement of his engagement to Princess Kaitlyn. Volstagg and Fandral stood beside Hogun and Clodagh and Regina beside Amelia.

Regina, to Clodagh’s shock, did not abandon her friendship but decided that she was all the more in need of non-judgemental people around her. Her ability to look past Regina’s often criticised appearance and befriend her, to begin with, was all that the other princess wanted or needed to know apparently. She insisted on helping Clodagh to get used to etiquette and other such things. The pair spoke quietly to one another as Amelia gave them a warning look and the pair erupted in giggles as she did so, trying to look innocent, but failing miserably.

It was then that her attention came to Loki, who was standing nearby, with her family, Liam beside him, making a comment that it would be them soon enough, Loki grinning more at the thought.

The day was pleasant, Amelia and Hogun were not overly overt people, so they had a small affair with their families and closest friends. The meal was pleasant, and after came a small party. Loki and Clodagh were never far from each other the entire time. They did dance with others and speak with people, but they were not far from each other. When the bride and groom were being led from the hall for the night, Loki wrapped his hands around his fiance’s waist.

‘That will be us soon.’

‘If I ever get this princess stuff sorted.’ Clodagh commented back.

‘I have it on good authority you are doing exceedingly well.’

‘Your source is lying to you.’ Loki chuckled. ‘I am just…’

‘Do not let it overwhelm you, my beautiful Clodagh, wait and see, it will not matter in the end.’

‘Why?’ She asked, turning to look at him in concern.

‘Because as soon as we say our vows, you and I are heading away.’ She frowned at him. He guided her to a window to the far side of the room and pointed to the distance. ‘Can you see the mountain, shaped like an arrowhead?’

‘Yes.’

‘There is a palace there, in the wilderness, surrounded by only a small village, it is our agricultural land, and you and I are going there for a time, with Rua and Mortimer of course, and we are going to enjoy a life free of the palace, royal roles and duties, and who knows what else.’

‘What are you implying?’

‘I see you with your nephews and nieces…’

‘You want little troublemakers?’

‘Hmm, plural?

‘Do you?’

‘With you, yes. I want a small army of terrorising little half-elven children knees grazed as they run through the bushes chasing some poor animal they want to “save”.’

‘And using their seidr to turn a younger sibling into a rabbit to play “animal rescue” with.’

Loki laughed, ‘Norns, yes. That sounds like utter bliss to me, what about you?’

She smiled and bit her lips together. ‘Is four too many for you?’

‘Light Elves like big families.’ She nodded. ‘I will bow to what you request on that matter, though I do not think we should set a number until you have endured a pregnancy. It may alter your feelings on the subject.’

‘As long as they are legitimate.’

‘If they were not, I would not deny them, I would not treat them differently, I would love them and declare to the worlds that I am their father and I love their mother, and dare them to say anything against them.’ Loki declared. ‘Besides, it is hardly a deterrent when the most incredible woman I have ever met is…well’ He gave her a loving smile.

Since the open declaration of the old law that allowed for Clodagh to be deemed legitimate, she and Loki seemed to speak more about the fact she was not born so, as a way to work through Clodagh’s self-esteem issues. It was working, very slowly. She seemed to accept herself a little more every day.

‘No.’

Loki put her hair behind her ear. ‘In all fairness, there is little risk of it happening, we have behaved ourselves.’

‘Thus far.’

‘True.’ Loki conceded.

*

Clodagh hardly noticed Loki enter the room. ‘Hello, my dear.’ She did not turn to look at him. ‘Clodagh?’

She turned slightly, not looking at him, instead keeping her gaze of Mortimer, who was falling asleep after a meal of grubs. ‘Hi.’

‘Hey, is everything okay? Is it something to do with the wedding?’ Loki asked worriedly.

As they readied themselves for the wedding, Loki was concerned by the severe lack of cold feet he was certain Clodagh would get.

‘My sister has decided to ruin everything.’

Loki frowned. He knew she was after meeting her sister for the first time in six months, Amelia and Hogun having spent a month in Asgard after their wedding before going to Vanaheim for half a year. ‘Is she not coming?’

‘No, she is coming, she is, after all, my chief bridesmaid.’

‘Then what is the issue?’

‘The dresses I had the dressmaker make.’

‘Yes?’

‘Guess who got pregnant on her wedding night? How terribly inconsiderate of her.’ Clodagh beamed. ‘My sister is having a baby.’

Loki thought for a moment that Clodagh was legitimately upset with Amelia regarding her pregnancy, but seeing her bounce slightly in excitement made him realise she had been joking. ‘Another niece or nephew to favour you over the others.’

‘Didn’t you hear, Uncle Loki is the best uncle, he does magic.’ She smiled.

‘Forget our little army, we have a legion of nieces and nephews.’ Loki grinned, putting his arms around her. ‘So you do not mind your sister taking some of your thunder?’

‘Not at all, I am just so happy that she is happy. They are so excited, I hope….if it comes to us…that we are as happy.’

‘We will be, wait and see.’