freeh0lesforuse

[starlooove]

Im saving up for a laptop and it’s mainly for school but also I want to be able to play games with mods and have a good dvd player any recs let me know please

[ziracona]

I used to be way more of a doormat and appeasing because I was raised to be polite, but after enough people taking advantage of that, by college I was like “I’m really done wasting my time enabling horrible behavior. Look, bud, you now get the same level of thoughtfulness/tact/politeness as you give—ima mirror whatever approach you come at me with, because I don’t have the energy to put 110% into a relationship while you give 40 anymore” and it’s so funny that like without fail the kind of people you’ll show your favorite movie to super excited who will then go “Eh I didn’t really like it it was kinda boring” or be even worse instead of like, saying nothing, or finding a polite thing to say, are sooo shocked when you just honestly tell them what you think of stuff they share back.

Like it’s almost uproariously funny. One dude was like “I’m gonna make fun of you & your taste & fave game for reccing it to me since you liked it so much yourself, bc while I haven’t even touched this video game personally, I watched a game sins video on it one time, so I have a PHD in knowing it has no redeeming qualities,” and then was just offended out of his head at how hurtful I was for when he wanted me to watch a show he liked and I was like “Thanks for thinking of me, but I know the MC from the show this is a spinoff of, and find her impossibly obnoxious, and I just don’t think the story would be worth it to me,” like just couldn’t believe I’d be so tactless. Nother dude did the exact same thing, & then was so offended I didn’t pretend to not hate a ship in a mutual fandom whenever he kept bringing it up over and over despite already knowing I both hated, and didn’t want to talk about it. Knew a chick who would tell me she didn’t like things I brought up all the time, or thought my comments were stupid, but then was so offended any time I like, mentioned how much I was relieved a character from a game we both played that she liked & I hated, finally died & left the story.

Like without fail, that kind of person is always /so/ shocked, and /so/ offended if someone treats them even a less mean version fo the way they treat everyone they talk to. Occasionally after I start doing this bc the subtle kindness approach didn’t work, a person will go “Wow I’ve been kind of an ass huh?” & improve but 9 times out of 10 it’s just Comedy Central with them failing to see any kind of double standard but lost in the way I’m not Yes Maning them into next year like the idealized npc version of me in their head. But anyway this is on my mind not even because of that all too common (esp in Avid befriending-many-people-&-jumping-fro-1-to-the-next fandom spaces) shitass personality Load Out, but because whenever I do have nicer people I interact w in such circles, which happens not like, infrequently, but way less frequent than the ones who suck, sadly, it’s unimaginably funny to me in the opposite direction—like I’ll just be there talking to them nicely about something I can’t stand — not lying or anything just like, yeah I don’t mind listening to you talk about this movie I hate, bc I like you, and I have no need to tell you how I feel about the movie—you didn’t ask. You just wanna infodump. & I got no problem w that—I like hearing you talk, & you don’t feel a need to cut down & preach at everything I ever say, so we actually got something good here back and forth. But inside my head against the backdrop of how many mediocre to shitty people I’ve known recently I just am like “Baby girl, I have things in my loadout for you & only you that you can’t even imagine.”

[scholarhect]

2 3 15 babey

HI BRO ILY

2. what’s your taco bell order

crunchwrap supreme. maybe a burrito, idk. i had a bean burrito today but i thought it was gross. plus the red freezy thing (starburst flavored, i think). except today i had baja blast and it was pretty good

i want you to know that this question is the entire reason i made this post. this was the germ, the mustard seed. “ask game: what’s your taco bell order”. and the rest was history

3. tell me about that one thing you wish someone would ask you about

(spoilers for tma if anybody’s gonna listen someday, i guess. literally major spoilers for seasons 1-4. turns out i don’t know how to shut up. thanks for indulging me)

okay. okay i’m gonna talk to you specifically. listen to me, i am talking directly into your ear now. i wish for the opportunity to tell you about ms melanie king. you’ve already heard about her as the inspiration for my haircut and also my fishnet outfit from that time i dragged you to that thrift thing, but she is such an icon. first of all she’s a YOUTUBER. (not like a vlogger, i guess, she hosts a show on youtube. but a youtuber nonetheless.) she hunts GHOSTS. on YOUTUBE. so, she shows up at The Magnus Institute, London, to tell them about that time she saw a ghost (but it was like ... a weird ghost. not a normal ghost. you know). immediately she insults the guy’s shitty old tape recorder that she is expected to speak into, in the year 2016. so they get snippy with each other and end up in a full-blown “The Girls Are Fightinggg” passive aggressive argument because they both view each other as pathetic, fake, not-respectable paranormal investigators. (and they both have A Thing about being respected & taken seriously.) like it turns out that the institute has a fucking laughable reputation in The Academic Community because they’ll just take a statement from anybody about their supposed supernatural experience. meanwhile jon thinks the people on ghost hunt shows are charlatans because their goal is entertainment and, yes, they “do ham it up a bit for the cameras.” ANYWAY. she’s all dragging the magnus institute and he’s like. “but you’re here.” it’s very funny. turns out she can’t tell the Serious Academic Community about her experience because it’s so wild that they’d laugh her out of her career. so she’s here. so she’s got no choice but to tell her story. so the episode continues, and ends, okay, and you’re like, “wow that was a fun and iconic one-off character. right?” WRONG.

season two... she’s BACK baby! after her experience at the military hospital, she wants to do research on War Ghosts, but the magnus institute wouldn’t let her in bc she didn’t have the Academic Clout for it, so the only way is to get an employee to vouch for her. so. she goes to jon like “please you’re the only friend i have here i need help” and they DO fight again but he does agree to help her (because they’re the same person. they are *spiderman pointing meme*). so, later, she’s back. she did some research on War Ghosts and broke into an old train graveyard (which is a thing apparently) and got stabbed by the ghost of an army medic and she got caught and arrested and she was screaming about how She Got Stabbed By A Ghost and somebody took a video and posted it online and then she BECAME A MEME for a couple days and nobody wanted to associate with her anymore. rip. but now she likes jon and she’s here to say goodbye (because she’s going to india) (she also sets off the climax of the season because she just happens to be that one person who can see that the monster pretending to be a major character is not, in fact, that character. she’s like “oh, which sasha? the new one? or the old one?” and jon’s like “what the fuck” and she’s like “there’s definitely two sashas. are you trying to gaslight me.” but whatever)

ok this is literally less than half her arc (i’ve covered. three episodes.) but this is long as fuck so i’ll wrap it up. “what a cool reoccurring character,” you may think! “i hope i get to see more of her!” well GUESS WHAT. she comes back from india (she’s been SHOT BY A GHOST) she wants to talk to jon but he’s not there (he was unfortunately in very close proximity to a murder and he’s on the run so he doesn’t get framed. double traumatic experience, very fun. anyway he’s staying at melanie’s friend’s house, whom she has conveniently namedropped a couple times so far (in the last episode she was like “she actually has nice things to say about you, why didn’t you tell me you knew her” and he’s like “we didn’t part on the best of terms”) because she is his ex-girlfriend, so, though he literally was just pretending that he didn’t know her, he now knows that she doesn’t hate him so he shows up at her place and she hides him from the cops because she’s literally the only person he knows outside work. but this isn’t about him.) so melanie has no job so elias is like “you want a job” and she’s like “sure?” so now she’s an archival assistant at the magnus institute (i realized i had to explain that. i don’t think you even know who elias is. head of the institute, everybody’s secretly evil boss, currently lowkey framing jon for the murder he committed. but lowkey) her coworkers don’t want her there because they’ve realized that their job is evil and they Physically Cannot Quit so they’re like “great now she’s stuck here too” but she doesn’t know that so she’s just like “why does everybody hate me. are you misogynists” because her Disrespect Alarm is going off in her head. and then they have a Department Meeting where jon comes back with an open knife wound on his neck and demands elias tell everyone about the TWO murders and then there’s a standoff situation where somebody wants to shoot elias but he’s “knife cat”ing at her and very dramatically forces her codependent friend slash partner (in the cop way not the gay way) to sign a contract as an archival assistant so that daisy (the cop with the gun) can’t hurt elias because, oh yeah, if he dies supposedly they all do too. so melanie is ... thoroughly disillusioned. and she becomes sullen, too, kind of. and she begins to try to murder elias. queen

things get worse (in a supernatural way. she gets Angry Knife Powers. there’s a Ghost Bullet from India lodged in her leg pumping murderous energy through her body and while she’s asleep jon removes it, it’s all very terrible.) but then she starts going to therapy because she wants to get better and she ends up making the difficult journey to Being Okay. (she also literally blinds herself to escape the institute, and that doesn’t really sound analogous to therapy out of context but it is, okay) and her arc is over and she’s the only character in the story who is currently Okay. we’re proud of her. her last appearance (so far. who knows what s5 has in store. hopefully not much) jon, who is in some deeeeep shit by this point, shows up asking for help, and she’s like “i can’t help you bc i can’t get dragged back into all that, but you’re always welcome in my life as a friend” which is not great for him at that point because he is kind of having a breakdown, but it’s still <3. much better than the beginning part of s4 when she wanted to kill him on sight. also she’s dating jon’s ex now lol

15. if somebody irl you didn’t know asked you how you feel about mcr what would you say (this question isn’t quite asking you how you feel about mcr, but it’s not not asking that)

i’d be like “yeah they’re pretty cool. i like them”

[turtlethor-blog]

@jacquesooo remember when you said I wouldn’t do it?? Well, I’m going to but in headcanon format bc yall are too much of a mess for me to write without commentary LMAO. I haven’t used tumblr in so long, you should thank me. 

Anyway here’s your indulgent love simon au, imma blast 

also how come you don’t have a ship name, im lowkey salty

First of all, Jacqueline’s obviously-yes-obviously-not Simon and Luisa’s gonna be Bram, they just have to switch personalities (GET IT B/C SIMON WAS JACQUE((LINE))S)

Anyway, we know the story, Jacqueline sees luisa’s tumblr, she becomes Whipped™, she admires the blogger from afar as you do

But HECC she doesn’t know that this bitch is gonna become her bitch soon enough b/c look ma they go to the sAMe sCHoOL 

And at the same school, they hate each other b/c Jacqueline’s a lil overachieving freshman piece of shit & luisa’s a loud ass mexican that’s sick & tired of everything

10 dollars that jacqueline’s group talks smack about luisa’s tall ass in jacqueline’s language class (”she wears ripped jeans all the time, it makes her seem taller, s o   W h Y”)

bonus if luisa does the same tbh (mexican people are so mean, the fuck)

Jacqueline opens up Luisa's tumblr (not knowing it’s irl luisa, you goddamn slow cabALLo), she’s in the ask box, and look she’s typing out her feelings on anon b/c she’s a disaster gay but she’s trying!! 

Guess what, the ask goes through (”your ask has been received :)”)

Jacqueline screams for the next week or so b/c Luisa replies but luisa should make her scream someway else soon enough u know? 👀

So you know, she’ll just keep sending anons b/c she can and she sucks

On the other hand, Jacqueline tells tumblr!Luisa a funny story that there’s a school!Luisa at her school and “holYYyy god she’s so annoying, and she looks like you from your selfies but you’re prettier b/c school!Luisa looks like an orc dw dw” (omg fdsafdfsg)

And tumblr!Luisa tells Jacqueline “there’s a different Jacqueline at my school tOO and she’s so stuck up and she’s so short and i know you are too but it’s okay, you’re better than the irl Jacqueline i k N o W”

Jacqueline sweetie i know you say Luisa’s dense but you’re McSlow and she’s McDense (even in this au)

You guys talk about mango discourse and Luisa’s drinking habits (as in water not alcohol sdffdsf) and that applies in this au too

Plus I’ll never forget when Jacqueline called Luisa “50 shades of puta”

No emails, just anons with the panda sign off

Just slow slow burn in the form of two slow gays b/c they know they live in the same area but they won’t tell each other where 

you’re probs wondering: who tf is martin here?? easy, themselves

?? why??? BECAUSE JACQUELINE WON’T TELL LUISA SHE’S GAY FOR HER AND LUISA’S TOO LUISA TO COME OUT 

but for angst reasons let’s say for some reason they connect two and two because a Martin has told them :0

and Jacqueline realizes the Luisa she hated at school b/c she was too tall and too annoying was the same Luisa she was sending anons to

and Luisa realizes the Jacqueline at school that was constantly sideyeing her and giving her attitude was the same Jacqueline that told her ily and goodnight everyday

Honey you know they both aren’t functional as it is, this would destroy their brains and hearts

Idk what the hell would be going in Luisa’s life but Jacqueline’s fuckboy friends find out 

You know that scene in love simon where Simon’s friends get mad at him but he holds it together until he realizes he lost Blue, and that’s when he starts bawling?

That would be jacqueline

are we sure that this is an au anymore wtf

BUT jacqueline is stubborn as hell and she won’t talk to luisa online and at school no more (so in a sense she’s also like bram 🤔)

and it hurts her like hell b/c it shows, she’s not enjoying going out or playing lacrosse no more b/c she loves luisa sm so like,,, wyd pretending you don’t

So this lil shit gets love sick and thinks about kissing luisa on top of a ferris wheel or you know just,,, gay in general

But you know whats even gayer than a ferris wheel?? STARGAZING

god bless tumblr friends

they set them up somehow, it’s an awkward car ride to the hills, but when they get there the stars were so bright and jacqueline automatically points out which constellation was which like it was second nature

luisa thinks she’s a dork

jacqueline thinks she’s a lot more interesting than every star in the sky

but she’s also vehemently aware of the hand holding hers (gay)

they’re cuddled at the back open trunk with a warm blanket and speaking so damn softly to each other (gayer)

and they say “i love you” a couple dozen times and they kiss and everything feels fuzzy & warm & sweet (gAYEST)

like lemme paint a picture for yall: they have the same weighted blanket draped on their shoulders and they’re kissing so softly b/c they were so scared of losing each other and jacquelines fingertips are dragging themselves under luisa’s shirt even tho she knows full well luisa’s ticklish

it’s such a fuzzy & warm feeling to be kissing someone you know full well is your soulmate, just saying

and it feels even greater knowing you’ll never lose each again

probs how bram & simon felt, but just saying, gay it up even more, yall

they don’t leave beside each other for a very long time

the next day they go buy iced coffee together 

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[skygemspeaks]

85 question game

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag twenty people

tagged by the lovely and amazing @natsomuchartem​

the last

drink: water. (or if that doesn’t count, McDonalds’ orange pekoe milk tea)

phone call: My Mom

text message: My boss

song you listened to: Gosh, I don’t know. We keep the radio on at work, and I just got back, so...if it’s the last song I chose to listen to, it’d be the Chainsmokers and Coldplay’s Something Just Like This

time you cried: Well...I got teary-eyed over a fic just this morning. But tge last time I actually cried would be...a week or two ago.

dated someone twice: nope

kissed someone and regretted it: definitely.

been cheated on: never

lost someone special: 2012

been depressed: ...p much always?

gotten drunk and thrown up: I hardly ever drink, so no

three favourite colours

Purple

Mint

Wine Red

in the last year have you

made new friends: yep

fallen out of love: nope

laughed until you cried: oh definitely XD

found out someone was talking about you: nope

met someone who changed you: not really

found out who your friends are: lmao I guess? I have like 3 irl friends. Because I’m an antisocial shit who prefers to be alone.

kissed someone on your facebook list: pfft naaah

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? about half? I add online friends too, if I know them really well. I don’t go on fb much anymore though

do you have any pets? No, but I REALLY want a dog. One of the giant breeds. More doggo means more cuddles

do you want to change your name? My mum chose my name when she was just 14, and against all odds, was allowed to name me, so no. My name is a product of fate, and I love it lots. (Afghanistan is really sexist, and my freaking uncle thought he had more of a right to name me than the woman who carried me for 9 months and brought me into this world >_> )

what did you do for your last birthday? Spent the day with my family, and went out for dinner.

what time did you wake up? 9:30, which is about when I always wake up.

what were you doing at midnight last night? reading an hp fanfic 

name something you can’t wait for: The Yuri On Ice movie! Oh, and I’m going to be going to Calgary and Vancouver next summer, which I’m really hyped about! I went to BC for 2 weeks in 2012 and completely fell in love with it, so I’ve been dying to go back.

when was the last time you saw your mum: This morning, when she dropped me off to work ^^

what are you listening to right now? The sound of my AC XD I’ve not got any music on

have you ever talked to a person named tom? I mean...maybe? I work at a pharmacy, and I’m sure at least one of our patients is named Tom.

something that is getting on your nerves: People that hate on JJ (no, I won’t ever get over it. I’m just petty like that).

most visited website: Threeway tie between tumblr, ao3, and youtube. They make up about 90% of the time I spend on the internet. I also go on the Gravity Tales website a lot too though because I’m following The King’s Avatar, and it updates daily.

hair colour: ......dark brown roots, and then an inch or two of lighter brown, then blue fading into blonde.

long or short hair: waist-length. Though I’m thinking of cutting it short again.

do you have a crush on someone? nah

what do you like about yourself? My talent in writing

piercings: I used to have two sets on my ear lobes, but the second set didn’t heal properly so I had to let it close up. My first set I’ve had since I was 4 or 5.

blood type: No idea whatsoever. My dad had type O, but I don’t know what my mum had. So it could conceivably be just about anything.

nickname: Nothing irl, but online I always go as Skygem, so most people call my Sky, Gem, or (several several yers ago) Vivi.

relationship status: Single

zodiac: Capricorn

pronouns: she/her

favourite tv show(s): Boku no Hero Academia, Natsume Yuujinchou, Yuri on Ice. I’d also say Katekyo Hitman reborn, but I haven’t seen much of the anime for that one. Only ead the manga.

tattoos: None, but I do want a quote on my inner forearm that reads “Words are different when they live inside you” (Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, Benjamin Alire Saenz)

right or left handed: Left

surgery: No

sport: None. Though I do occasionally watch hockey.

vacation: Went to Niagara Falls for Canada Day! It was a total blast. And like I said before, we’re planning to go to Alberta and BC next year.

pair of trainers: reebok

more general

eating: Thai Express

drinking: Tims iced capps

i’m about to: play world of warcraft probably

waiting for: Motivation, to get started on my new book

want: to be a popular author one day. and travel the world.

get married: maybe someday. if anyone even wants to marry me in the first place, though I doubt that’ll happen.

career: No earthly idea whatsoever. Currently considering asl-English interpreter

which is better?

hugs or kisses: Hugs!

lips or eyes: Eyes

shorter or taller: Taller

older or younger: Older

nice arms or nice stomach: arms

hookup or relationship: relationship, duh

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever

kissed a stranger: Never

drank hard liquor: I took a beverage, bar, and dining room course, and we tasted a lot of beverages, and learned to mix lots of different kinds of drinks too. I’ve had rum, tequila, and vodka, thought I usually prefer to stick to wine because everything else tastes gross to me. sparkling wines are my usual go-to

lose glasses/contact lenses: Never, surprisingly enough, and I’ve had glasses since I was 14, so that’s...7 years now.

turned someone down: lmao no. no one asks me out, like, ever

sex on the first date: lol no. who’d want to have sex with me O.o

had your heart broken: nah

been arrested: lol my mum would have killed me, so no.

cried when someone died: when my dad died

fallen for a friend: Never

do you believe in

yourself: occasionally

miracles: absolutely

love at first sight: You can’t love someone you don’t even know. You might feel a connection, or the possibility for love, but not actual love. It’s either infatuation, or lust. You’re in love with who you imagine they might be, not who they actually are.

santa claus: I’m Muslim, so no XD

kiss on the first date: I dunno, maybe? I kissed my ex right after he asked me out, but that’s because we’d been friends for like a year before that point (it was a mess of a relationship though, ngl. broke up within a few weeks). It really depends on the relationship

angels: I do :)

other

eye colour: Brown

favourite movie: Literally always changing, just like my fav book. At the moment, it’d be Wonder Woman 

tagging: @realisticallycynical, @blindiemac, @wizardmafianinjapirate, @seitosokusha, @i-w-p-chan, @tsukana, @cute-evil-meme-queen, @ollypuro, @elynight, @cookiethehappyunicorn, @altered-karma, and anyone else who wants to!

[chizaya]

r a n t

hello hello dysphoria hits hard and now im currently dying? haha, fun-

and then my dog- i smelled her- she's dying. she r e e k s of death.

my cat just died a month ago.

my sister appears to hate me now because i don't know how to handle her. i worry so much bc she's stopping eating much bc she thinks she's fat and oh my god i'm so worried and scared and don't know how to handle it but i'm t r y i n g and she doesn't understand

i keep getting called she and her and by the name i was born with a lot bc i came out to my family last year and they wouldnt accept it so they put more emphasis on the name and feminine pronouns and i hate it so much. it hurts and they wont understand, they just think i don't like myself. that's not it! i like myself, i just want to BE myself, yknow? im fucking s t r e s s e d and my head hurts because of it and i'm going to cry?

i'm stressed as fuck and i have to play it off as i'm okay as fuck. i really hurt but i have zero coping skills other than typing shit to people online and blasting music which doesnt actually help that much?

i want a hug, but i can't hug anyone irl bc i cant stand their hugs. its not that i dont like the people, its just hugs in general? i only like them from select people and none of which are my friends now.

i hurt. i don't know what to do about it. i'm terrified and upset and am repeating myself.

i have no one to talk to either bc i'm now a happy person who others talk to when upset bc me getting upsey dtives people away.

i miss my hadbeen best friend but he hates me now bc we got into an argument which terrified me and so i unfriended him and he got pissed.

i'm breaking ahah. i'm honestly breaking and don't know what to do.