#and as much as i know i cant keep up with people to save my life... i kinda wanna have the option
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Valentine's Day Bingo 2025: White Rabbit - Carmen Berzatto x Reader
Tagging: @kmc1989 @wabi-sabi1090 @turtle-cant-communicate @fallout-girl219 @morgthemagpie
Companion piece to:
The Farm - Carmy recalls the day you met.
Good People - Richie and Carmy discuss a potential relationship with you.
Pears - It starts when Carmy makes an order he doesn't remember.
Something Important - Carmy knows the two of you have something important together.
Mornings - Carmy sleeps better with you around.
Bubble - You have no idea that you saved Carmy's life.
Crazy, Stupid, Fucked Up World (NSFW) - Carmy tells you he lvoes you for the first time.
Doing Something - Carmy owns up to something he's been doing without telling you.
Carmen doesn’t tell anyone about his new tattoo. He keeps it tucked underneath the fabric of his chef’s whites, nestled safely against his heart. His thumb traces over it in the quieter moments, rubbing across the token of love inked into his chest.
It’s later that night you find it. The two of you are tangled up on the couch and you’re undressing him for the first time in days, your lips ghosting up from his navel, along his ribs when you come across the cellophane covering just over his left nipple.
“You got a new tattoo when I was away.” You muse, your fingertips trailing lightly over the medical tape holding it in place. “Can I…”
He helps you remove the cellophane, peeling back the layer so you can make out the shape underneath the smudged ink. A small, geometric rabbit, just like the one you sketched the other day when you were describing your namesake.
“My mother was a fan of Lewis Carroll.” You’d told him as he’d studied the drawing you’d done on a napkin at The Bear. “When we used to play together in the fields, she used to call me her white rabbit because I used to hop around pretending to be a bunny. She used to say ‘Alice, don’t you be disappearing down any rabbit holes!’”
You don’t have many memories of your mother, she got sick a few months later, had to give up her farm. You’d moved to the city with your father, a man who had never wanted you in the first place.
Carmen calls you Bunny after that. His own little white rabbit, guiding him back to the light after years of darkness.
“You have always led me to the right path.” He tells you, his fingertips tucking an errand strand of hair back behind your ear. “I don’t lose my way so much anymore. Even if this ends, I want to remember you, remember this, a time when I was truly happy.”
“Oh Carmen.” You murmur, leaning in close, your mouth ghosting lightly over his. “You and me baby, we’re never going to end.”
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#carmen berzatto#carmen berzatto x reader#carmy berzatto#carmy berzatto x reader#the bear#the bear fx#carmy the bear#carmy x reader#carmy x reader#carmy
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lonely
[ID: A limited palette of green and pink, Vashwood comic. The first page serves as a prologue. The first panel shows Vash speaking to someone off screen while Wolfwood is lingering behind him. A black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the second panel, Vash is buying donuts in the distance while Wolfwood is once again in view, lingering. and the black arrow is drawn pointing at him. In the third panel, Vash is leaving a cubicle and turning towards his right with a slightly peeved expression. He sees Wolfwood, leaning against the cubicle, waiting for him, and with the black arrow drawn, pointing at him, implicating the consistent hovering of Wolfwood’s presence during Vash’s everyday. At the bottom of the page, they’re drawn out of panel with Vash turning to Wolfwood and saying with an irritated expression, “You’re really following me everywhere, huh?” Wolfwood responds, “What, you got a problem?” Vash responds without hesitation, “Yeah, kinda...”
The second page starts with a new day. In the first panel, Vash is seen alone, weighing apples in his hands at a mart, with crowds passing behind him. In the second panel, he turns to his right and starts to say, “Hey, Wolfwood...” In the third panel, he’s startled from seeing a stranger, whom he’d accidentally called out to when he was expecting to see Wolfwood. He says, “Oh, you’re not him. Sorry!” In the fourth panel, the stranger walks off and Vash muses, “Right, he said he had something to do today...”
The third page begins with a close up of Vash's miffed expression, the continuation of Vash's thoughts, "Now that he's not here, this is just like how I used to be, but... It feels lonely somehow. Oh well, I'll see him again tonight, like always." In the second panel, it shows Vash walking through the marketplace crowd, alone. In the third panel, the door panel is a close up of the door opening with a peek of Vash's head. He says, "Wolfwood!" In the fourth panel, Vash is holding a bag of food with a bright smile and says, "Are you hungry? I got you something to eat today!"
The fourth page begins with a shot of the room, two beds being highlighted, one of them being made properly with the blanket draped over the bed and the other with the blanket folded and pillow sitting on top of it. There's no sign of Wolfwood. The second panel shows Vash with a disappointed look as he thinks, "He's still not here?" The third panel shows Vash putting the bag of food on the table. Stapled to the paper bag is the receipt with a written note "For Wolfwood." Vash's thoughts continue "He does like to stay out so, I guess there's no reason to worry..." The fourth panel shows Vash sitting his bed somberly with his thoughts continued, "It's not any of my business anyway..."
The fifth page starts with a close up his blank expression as he looks downwards, thinking, "Even if he left completely... That'd be understandable and better for him. I'll just travel alone again... like before... Huh?" The next panel shows Vash's composure break, tears welling up in his eyes suddenly, as he didn't expect to cry. He starts to sob, putting his hands to his face to quiet himself and wipe at his tears, as he says, "Ugh... Dammit... I miss h..." The last panel shows Vash leaning over into his hands, still crying, and in the back, the door swings wide open with a bam as Wolfwood walks through with the punisher swung behind him. He shouts, "SPIKEY! You in here?!"
The sixth page starts with Wolfwood confused, looking at Vash and Vash looks back, just as confused, with tears in his eyes and snot out of his nose. Wolfwood starts saying, "Ah? You..." No longer in panels, at the bottom of the page, Wolfwood takes the Punisher off of himself and starts to walk towards Vash, continuing with slight concern, "What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" Vash, hurriedly begins to wipe at his tears, denying immediately, "No! No, I'm fine! Nothing happened!"
The seventh page, Vash points towards the table, with a hand still wiping at his tears and he smiles as he says, "I uh got you food. On the table." Wolfwood looks towards to the table and responds, "Oh. I was getting hungry, thanks." He turns his head back to Vash immediately after with an uncertain expression, knowing the other wasn't responding to his concern, and says, "But, I know you're an idiot with this stuff, so I'm reminding you again. Don't brush it off if it's an issue, alright?"
The eight page, Vash's tears have dried and he looks to Wolfwood with a soft smile and responds, "Yeah. It's okay though..." A panel at the center shows a side view of Vash approaching Wolfwood. At the bottom of the page, with no panel, is a close up shot of Vash's hand, holding onto the edge of Wolfwood's jacket sleeve, as he says, "Because you're here now. Wolfwood."
The final page is a back shot of both of them standing next to each other, Wolfwood's head tilted slightly to the left, not fully believing Vash as he says, "That doesn't answer anything, Spikey." Vash responds, "There's no need to talk about it! You should enjoy your food. Let's have a drink too?" Wolfwood responds, "Tsk, tsk. Fine, yeah. I could use one." END ID]
#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#but onto this comic... i think and talk a LOT about vash's loneliness bc trigun is just. kind of central on that for a good while! esp in#the original manga he was alone for a good portion of it and he tends to keep others away like how he ran away from meryl and milly when#they tried to tag along. and he was kind of bothered when he realized ww was following him around Too. at the core even though he loves#humans and he loves deeply the people he does know -- he isnt really much of a people person and i think thats been the case since he was#young considering his initial doubts towards humans... with the exception of kids bc kids dont give him moral conflicts. so suddenly#here comes wolfwood!!! his guide. someone TRULY affixed to him until he has to get to knives. someone who isnt budging and someone whos#really good at following him around and even seems like he goes like 5 steps ahead to make sure vash doesnt run on him#in one way its - i don't want you to follow me bc i don't want to burden you and i don't want you to kill the people i want to save.#in another way its - i like this companionship. i like waking up to you and i like ending the way with you. i like talking to someone who#knows my world. i like being in your space and sometimes i enjoy talking about our day#theyre just living together. like. roadtrip buddies or theyre also under the same roof because they're going everywhere together.#trimax they mainly spend their mornings together and if they had personal business attend the other person would usually know and itd only#be during the midday. anyway bc of this kind of companionship i figure that vash eventually grew accustom to it and he really. cant go back#to the kind of loneliness from before. it's harder to imagine and it'd be harder to withstand. esp after 2 years with lina and her grandma.#ruporas art
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played dragon age 2...just simple scribbles
#dragon age tag#i doubt that will see much use again..but who knows. vvv rambling below#weird game..the characters dialogue stuff and ending were good tho :')#i've played some of the first game but it kept crashing. i knew already despite knowing nothing that this guy was going to be my type#it doesnt feel right making video game art any more bc games like this end up feeling really personal - an experience that happened to me#if i design the main character a bit and fall in love then..that happened to me..i can't make Fan Art of that..only ive been through that..#like i cant make fanart of my dear companions in bg3 despite it having been a huge part of my heart in the last year#almost 1000 hours of playtime in something i can barely talk about bc it means too much.... lol#tons of ideas and conversations and extra thoughts and scenes and emotions about all the incredible times i've been through in bg3#and the maelstrom just rotates around intensely in my own heart forever...but that's ok too...that is so precious to me#but fortunately i already knew people that have played this game and talked/drew abt it recently so it was saved from that for me#sharing scribbly fanart on my Blog is a way to capture the feeling just after experiencing something so it has good points#witch hat atelier escapes that by not being a GAME. games are so immersive. but my wha art & feelings are incredibly immersive too#which makes it difficult sometimes now. i live a complicated and emotional life <3 i am not suited to fandom <3#my character ended up looking so much like oru without me realising that's what i was doing. Kind bearded fireball throwing gay mage. Hmm.#falling for a sad white hair memory trauma fellow that keeps you at a tragic distance. Hmmmmmm.#i see also how very much bg3 is inspired by stuff like dragon age now lol so i'm glad i experienced it. I WANT MY KIRKWALL LIFE BACK...#so dated though as well and unpleasant at times (the city and the dismal atmosphere was depressing.) i hate violence/horror..#bg3 is SOOOO very dismal but it feels like I am killing people and going through horrors because i have to survive i have to be free#Well anyway. ahh it's so refreshing to fall in love. my gay journey continues...
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i feel like horror would have sourdough starter. he doesn't even use it to bake he just keeps it alive like a funny little experiment. the yeast in that starter will never get to experience the fulfillment of becoming bread unfortunately
and then he totally gets mad at dust and killer if they dont take care of it properly when he can't. WDYM THE STARTER OVERFLOWED!!! YOURE SUPPOSED TO ADD LESS WATER!!!! that's his baby guys he named it and decorated the jar and EVERYTHING 💔
#would this be considered torture if sourdough starter is alive#dust is also into the little yeast experiment but he doesn't wanna get yelled @ by horror (he dont feel like dealing with that)#he wants to know what would happen if lead were dumped into the starter. good thing horror doesnt bake with this#so he just gets killer to do all of the care for the starter when horror cant#plausible deniability and all that. at least killer's the one that gets yelled at instead of him!#horror probably does have a seperate jar of starter he keeps seperate for baking#if dust and killer find it he'll make them all match skulls#I FUCKING HATE MAGMA WHY IS THAY STUOID ASS WEBSITE SO CONFUSING#HOW DO.PEOPLE USE IT OH MY GOOOOOF THIS SUCKS BALLS BIG HAIRY BALLS#IK GONNA SCRATCH MY SKIN UNTIL IT BLEED LET ME DRAW!!! YOU FUCK!!! THE BRUSH PRESSURE IS SO SHIT#WHY IS IT NOT PICKING UO WHEN I DRAW I HATE THIS#anyways. this is horror cooking propaganda idc if he'd be ass at it#man. this sucks. i dont like magma. please let me use ibispaint layout and everything. ibispaint save me ibispaint save me#siiiigh. okay. time to post this. people who see this will definitely see this guys.#me on my way to send a post off the populate the murder time trio tag daily#tricule hc#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au#nothing serious right now because i really dont feel up to it#guys if you liked this post like and subscribe for more. listen i give tou an mtt playlist what else do you eant fron me#i do as much as i can while balancing my office job and college education (i say. unemployed and in high school)
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hey guys who wants another round of tmi
#ive been#this entire day has been a lot and i have no idea how to feel about it#i've never cried this much in an entire day and i can't stop myself from tearing up but it's not because of something sad or traumatic i'm#not used to being loved. or appreciated. or meant to feel like i belong anywhere. i've struggled with being excluded and ostracized and it#has been an uphill battle for a long time and deep down despite my many attempts to heal and get better i've always felt like something was#fundamentally wrong with me. it has been wrong with me from the start and whatever evidence to the contrary ive gotten was rationalised awa#by fluke or maybe people like me because of what i can provide and what i can do for them and not because of who i am and who i am will#always be tolerated or ignored at best and i genuinely was not expecting anyone but a few close friends to care about this and just. andjus#i think something in me is healing and it's still hard to accept but i can conceptualize it and any negative thought in my brain is being#countered by “hey why would you think that when people care about you” and i know it is obvious right. its something i should know but it#has always been so hard to believe that anyone would and the fact that it's hitting right now? i cant fucking stop crying#its almost fucking embarrassing im like this. im a grown ass adult. why the fuck am i still crying like this. i fucking hate trauma man#keeps making me feel like im that kid who was never loved in the ways that mattered. sorry im just#thankful. grateful. i feel like some parts of that gaping wound is stitching itself together and i cant stop crying and for once im not#crying because i'm being hurt. i'm just grateful to be here. genuinely fucking grateful that i'm alive#funny isnt it. how much love can save you if you let it#tmi#rant#embarrassed myself enough i think#sorry about that we'll go to our regularly scheduled ghoap program soon enough#i'll be okay
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. noncoherent but also thoughts
#i have such mixed feelings on the solas varric save everyone meme#bc on one hand ya that is whats going on in that dialoge but also!! its not!!#solas *is* trying to save everyone from his pov on several levels (the spirits the ancieny elves the modern people too to an extent*)#*the extent being how far he views them as people/everyone being semi dependant on his relationship with the inquisitor i believe#and he is trying this is his third fucking attempt we know of to save everyone#(which of course he will keep trying and keep trying as alone as possible he isnt named pride for no reason he doesnt have a place -#-in the dalish pantheon for no reason)#and then varric..#my god where do i even begin with varric's pov#da2 varric is EXTREMELY you cant save everyone (so why bother to try) and so very much out for himself (and those he cares about -#-bc those are *his* friends and his friends are part of his life)#but for those outside his circle? varric does not give two shits about anyone outside in da2#dai varric has learned over the past 10 years little. imo. he's learned his friends are affected by things he cannot control (hello.) but#he clings to the idea he can control things he can write their (his) story bc if he cant (and he knows he cant its why he tries so hard) -#then its been meaningless the whole time and he's back at square one#varric has learned the you have to try thing the fucking hard way and tbh he doesnt really believe it (at least not in dai)#i REALLY wanna see dav varric and what development he's had (sorry i havent read the comics and probably wont theyre hard for me to see/read#god i wish i could see what my tags are bc i dont remember where i cut several of these off fuck mobile tagging but anyways#i want tosee what direction varric has moved in - his dialogue inthe trailer is deeply interesting to me. specifically. since it does seem#to imply a real shift in his pov but im Suspicious bc while varric has always cared deeply and has been tryung very hard to keep his friends#read his#life comfortable he's really never picked any sort of side in his life varric is deeply centrist bc he benefits from not rocking the boat#(usually.)#(dai trapped him imo and hes not there to save the world by a long shot)#but dav seems to position him into an instigator role a real shake it up and point role#very interesting to me i wanna see where it goes#anyway.#im gonna take more headache meds and open indeed and blow myself up
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moments like this when im really glad im a sad little cynic who always considers the worst possible outcome and never lets herself truly get comfortable and trust the good things in her life to stay there and builds her life around trying to soften the blows of the eventual disappointments just waiting around the corner lol never leaving my edgy teenager era peace and love
#i mean if the alternative is whatever the fuck is going on with my best friend rn then hooooo boy#cancelling therapy immediately i never want to change i wanna keep my trust issues forever and ever if its gonna save me from THIS#is he a dick? kinda. yeah. and a coward because if dude was sure he didnt want it since AUGUST and didnt have the guts to end it till now#actually he didnt end it. she was the one who finally snapped. but we seriously fought twice before because she just woudlnt listen#when i said that girl this isnt gonna work and you trust him too much and you're attachment styles are incompatible as hell#your*#but nvm. the least you could do when a 7 years younger girl who's clearly obsessed with you is breaking up with you#cause she just cant take it anymore. and you can see she's still in love with you because you've been lying to her for half a year.#imo the least you could do at that point is just. dont tell her that jfc. just say you're sorry it didnt work out etc etc#dont fucking tell her you stopped being in love with her in fucking august#and just 'didnt know how to end it' and lied when she asked if everything's alright#like my god. yes ig this would never have happened if she hadn't trusted him so completely and expected love to fix her whole life#but jesus dude. she's not even 23 she has a right to be naive. you're almost 30. you DONT get to be a man child anymore#christ. okay.#anyway i wish i could help her but telling her to 'trust less' and 'never truly rely on other people' sounds horrible and cringe and edgy af#but i genuinely dont have any other advice#like babygirl im sorry but your bestie is a piece of human garbage and she's doing the best she can but her best is Not Much alas
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dokja doing his best time and time again to help junghyeok with regressor depression…. I see the sauce being cooked here
#it’s gay sauce#for gay people.#going post#Orv#tbh dokja I think you should just tell junghyeok everything at this point. not for gay reasons but to make things easier#these two work rlly well together when junghyeok isn’t trying to kill dokja imagine how they’d be if they were fully on the same page too#every day there’s a new fuckin dokkaebi. where do they keep getting these guys#and why do they keep getting cuntier#A THANOS SNAP???#choosing between a thanos snap and killing the strongest incarnation. alright everyone time to speed up on the killing nirvana thing I gues#Junghyeok relying on the predictability of knowing everything…. You can take the man out of the timeloop but you can’t take the timeloop ou#of the man#(I know he’s not out of his regressions but sh)#‘I can’t think of a way to correct this’ junghyeok aren’t you supposed to be smart? Stop being stupid#dokja gets me. that’s why he’s also a reader#Ohhh okay we’re having a Big Talk now. good job dokja#‘But the real problem is when you’ve finally managed to save the world’ THATS WHAT IM SAYING!!!!! DOKJA GETS ME#YOU CAN TAKE THE MAN OUT OF THE TIMELOOP BUT YOU CANT TAKE THE TIMELOOP OUT OF THE MAN!#unless junghyeok kicks his regressor’s depression in the ass and learns not to rely on knowing future scenarios so much.#and they’re on a rooftop…. The symsbsnolismm….#Oh wait dokja’s making a different point#ah. ptsd.#well that’s part of my argument I guess#Ohhhhh I love dokja getting to be a prophet rn. and junghyeok realizing he’s onto some shit#‘This world you’re about to abandon could be the only world where you can live to see it end as a human being’ OOOOF. OOF.#that’s heavy#Anyway time for comic relief. sorry Uriel but no gay sex yet#‘Who’s the strongest incarnation?’ Junghyeok: no doubt it’s me#……………………………….#DOKJA IS ALSO CONSIDERING HIMSELF THE STRONGEST?? GUYS
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there’s a lot of things im not enjoying about my life right now but i think the worst one is that i don’t have anything to talk about other than how miserable and tired and unmotivated i am
#im exaggerating a bit. the only positive and changing thing in my life is my dog#but like. this really is just 8 weeks of constant suckage#[ context. im in school to be a cpa while working full time. i have quite literally 0 free time. this will continue until about sept 2025 ]#i keep spiralling into questioning myself on why im even doing this#like deep down. i dont think society as it stands is going to last into my 40s. so why am i wasting my 20s on The Grind#spending my life until i turn 26 hustlegrinding so i can get a solid job and then coast the rest of my professional life#is only a good idea if the world stays functional and i live until. idk. 50 or 60 i think would make it worth it#im just so jealous of people who dont have to financially support their family. i didnt pick this. i dont want this#nobody around me gets it either. nobody i know is in this situation#every time somebody tells me to slow down or take a break i want to kill them. like im an only child and my parents are aging#they do not have retirement savings. there is a very real ticking clock for me to hit an income level to keep the 3 of us going#part of me wishes i were irresponsible and could just. do what i want until it blows up in my face#but im too serious im too cautious im too risk averse im too pragmatic#so here i am. spending my 20s ignoring any and all personal enjoyment in favour of Building My Future#i dont think life ends at 30 or anything. if i knew the world was going to be okay i wouldnt worry so much#but i cant shake the belief that we’re headed for a societal collapse in my lifetime. likely when i’m middle aged.#i dont want to be a doomer but what the fuck is the point of it all. why am i doing this if not to set myself up for the next 60 years#freewheeling bitextual
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i watched tate no yuusha back in 2019 when it still aired and i remember not liking the fact raphtalia turned into a grown woman in a short time. so the other day i was like hm years have passed and maybe my sense of judgment has changed and maybe i'll get the point of raphtalia's development better. but no. i hate it more now
#krispeaks#im giving tate no yuusha the biggest benefit of doubt ever like. maybe its bcs i avoid isekai animanga so im not familiar with the tropes#(← screaming in denial)#I DONT GEEEEEET WHY MAKING RAPHTALIA A LOVE INTEREST. OR MAKING HER GROW UP QUICKLY.#it doesnt happen with her friends (although theres the 'raphtalia grows faster bcs of her level + the yuusha's influence' but that-#-still doesnt sound good. like either make her a love interest (& risk naofumi picking her to be sketchier after the accusations from myne)#or keep her a child or at most a teenager. since this thing is so full of loli bait anyway#you dont even know how much i clinged to naofumi calling raphtalia his daughter back then cos i rly dont want them to end up together#its weird to me. its weird to me!!!! like idc if people ship them but personally i cant. its the fact that raphtalia rly wants naofumi to-#-see her as a grown woman and not a child anymore. she's not shoyo she just grew up too fast like. raphtalia saying stuff like-#-how she's jealous of naofumi pampering filo-brushing her hair. petting her. just treating filo like a normal girl#and raphtalia denying that she doesnt want that anymo-with the kids meal and the toys too. saying shes a big girl and not a kid anymo now#girl lost her childhood twice. parents killed. friends kidnapped. slaved and tortured. got saved by a yuusha who saw her as his daughter#and yet she had so little time to enjoy being a child bcs thats just how being raised by a yuusha impacts non-humans#which is just. god. tate no yuusha did my girl so wrong. wdym being around specific types of people makes you mature faster.#if that doesnt sound weird to you idk what is.#i was so excited about the found family aspect so i kept watching#because it couldve been so good. it could've been game changing. it could've been my gintama#but it seems to good to be true i guess#anyways i rewatched it bcs there was no info for a long time that i assumed it was discontinued which was weird bcs it had quite the fandom#and the other day i found shield hero season 3 2023 and it was like *hoh cat face* so i rewatched it last night to regain my memories#before finally watching the other two seasons. wish me luck etc#should i give this a personal tag...#nyaofumi#not a slander at naofumi btw i believe my guy. i wanna ramble ab his characterization but personally i have no beef towards him nor raph#its the story and the writers that make me rage
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.
#hi sorry to ventpost on the poetry blog again#but i gotta write this out so i can get my brain to SHUT UP and maybe sleep. anyway.#its just so interesting because like. i fear there is something wrong with me. i fear i am in fact fucked up for no good reason#smth smth imposter syndrome except im the actual imposter#and like. the issue i keep coming back to right. there are two options.#either this is just The Way That I Am or it's some chemical imbalance in my brain that i inherited#so either i have to do work to change as an actual person or do work to find myself treatment#because again. no one is coming to save me. there is no miracle cure i can take to be a different person.#and the thing about me. i had changing. i hate doing work. i dont want to do any of that.#tbh the problem right now is i dont really want to do anything except read and sleep and stare at the wall so you know. par for the course.#but even under the best of circumstances im just. a lazy person. i dont want to do things and i dont.#and re: there are two options right. like fundamentally it doesn't matter because this is still something i am. who cares if its my fault.#i still have to deal with that. i still might just fucking torpedo my career and my life and every opportunity ive ever been given#because i simply can't be bothered. because i would rather waste my money and my time just fucking rotting.#and what gets to me the most is the opportunity part too. i am SO FUCKING LUCKY to have the people and the life and the resources i do#and yet im still like this#if it was just a question of me i think i'd be able to bear it#but thinking about all the people who took a chance on me and believe in me and like me for some fucking reason is crushing#and admitting i cant get it together would be letting them all down#but keeping on like this still feels horrible bc im similarly letting them down by lying and allowing them to believe im a good person#I KNOW THIS SOUNDS DRAMATIC but do keep in mind i am in fact actively lying and hiding and making up excuses. i promise there are fr issues#and like i know the important ppl will stay regardless but thats almost worse somehow?#im just so scared of going from a loved-because to a loved-despite#even though i think that's the best kind. but Its Different When Its Me because obviously it is#if it turns out i just need to switch meds im gonna feel so fucking stupid in a week#except this has been a reoccurring theme for much longer than that so. re: i fear this is just the way i am. sigh#okay enough this isnt doing shit time to pass out woooo#to delete
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I could've spun gold with all of it
I want to scream
Who says it? Who gets to say that we're just sad forever?
The world is collapsing but there are still people smiling and laughing and holding to their friends and all they've built
But not me
#these thoughts are so disjointed#they dont even belong in the same poem really#im just realizing how much#helplessness we've both learned#how little control#that right now i have space and i just spend my nights curled up lashing out mentally#desperately wanting someone to save me#like that's a real thing i should save my breath for#my heart feels like it's gone through a shredder though and i just dont fucking know#how to have hope on behalf of other people anymore#i cant have hope on behalf of myself#for so many years i fucking tried to be that#to find reasons to live for my friends who didnt want to do it anymore#to really fight for them#and now im dry on hope#and feeling painfully alone#if i was being good i would just#get up and keep walking. find something that brings my heart lightness again#but i dont care what i would do if i was being good#not right now#let me yearn to be saved for a little while longer okay
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i love writing but im burdened by a chronic state of "He Would Not Fucking Say That" where i need to keep things as close to character as possible and it makes pre-canon content so difficult sometimes. especially when a character's only been around for like. a small part of the series to begin with like i need to build an entire case file on him first.
#im almost 4k into my Goromi fic and im suddenly rethinking almost everything I've written bc i just *had* to make a Goromi origins fic#and for me that's ~1 year before the events of y0. so I've got Goromi and Sagawa interactions going on and im constantly rewriting parts#because as much as i like the idea of Sagawa's smug ass being in it i cannot write him to save my life for some reason.#ive played y0 like 3 times; ive read other people's fics with Sagawa in them; but i cannot get this old man to cooperate with me#the smart option would be to cut him out and replace him with another character but i like the underlying drama of him Knowing#like. Goromi is freedom for Majima but she's still trapped in the same cage as he is and Sagawa won't let her forget it.#which then will get contrasted by the immense freedom she has to flourish and do whatever she wants in the 2000s.#does that make sense? do you see my vision?#i just cant get this smarmy old fuck to sound natural. mainly because even *im* like how tf would he react in these scenarios??#sigh. oh well#maybe i should keep slowcooking this fic in my brain for a bit and work on my kazumaji one instead#came up with the dialogue for another chapter of it yesterday anyways. i should just ride out that inspiration#rgg#luka rambles
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I'm not really emotional over graduating; I have made it super clear that this place is more of a detriment to my mental health than is worth going through and I am so ready to move on to shit I actually care about doing. But with that said I don't know how I'll go on without getting to see my band teacher, art teacher, or spanish teacher. I'm not gonna ask bc I think it'd be a weird request but I'm so tempted to see if they can give me their phone numbers.
#ramblings#phone number thought only happened bc. apparently my brother is gonna get our band teachers number#(those not caught up on the personal post lore: theyre not renewing her contract and were all super pissed off over it)#and as much as i know i cant keep up with people to save my life... i kinda wanna have the option#at least with my art teacher ill probably see her again on occasion but there will be like. no opportunity for me to#see & catch up with the other two. esp since my band teacher is prob moving away
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official milf & dilf - 𝐜𝐬𝟓𝟓 ✽
✿ carlos sainz x influencer!reader (obvi)
✿ the journey of carlos and his wife on their way to becoming parents
ᵃᵘᵗʰᵒʳˢ’ˢ ⁿᵒᵗᵉ ୨୧ i made this in the beginning of the year
🝮
june 7th, 2023
carloslovesyn
liked by pierregasly and 78 others
carloslovesyn So baby Sainz is coming in february 2024
charles_leclerc I know bro, I was in the hotel room next to yours last month…
yn your so baby girl i love you hot daddy YUMYUMYUM 👅🫦
⤷ arthur_leclerc oh! 😄
⤷ yn fuck off butt slut
lilymhe yeah your married and she’s pregnant with your baby but she’s still mine
⤷ carlossainz55 Oh you wish
francisca.cgomes whatever 💔
alexandrasaintmleux why is this so aesthetic
landonorris i hope this means she’ll mature and not be so mean
⤷ yn you thought marriage would mature me, you know better by now
georgerussell63 That’s gonna be the most beautiful baby to ever exist
⤷ yn thanks to me
⤷ georgerussell63 Ok sure…
⤷ yn george russell you are my biggest opp
danielricciardo Looks like you got some strong swimmers, congrats mate!
⤷ yn 😭😭
🝮
thisisnotyn
liked by haileybeiber and 108 others
thisisnotyn might’ve forgotten to take my birth control last month
carlossainz55 Your always forgetting something cariño 😂❤️
⤷ francisca.cgomes your such a millennial
⤷ carlossainz55 What’s that supposed to mean? 😐
anasainzvdec ♥️
lewishamilton Congratulations! ♥️
landonorris i’m scared to see what you will be like in the next 9 months
carmenmmundt Oh my goodness congrats your gonna be such good parents ♥️
⤷ thisisnotyn thank you so much carmen i love you
⤷ carmenmmundt I love you more y/n 🥰
oliviarodrigo MILF MILF MILF 🤤🤤
francisca.cgomes omg your gonna be such a good mom i can see it already 😩
alexandrasaintmleux already cant wait to meet baby sainz 😪
lilymhe your my hero y/n i wanna be like you when i grow up
⤷ carlossainz55 Aren’t you older then her?
⤷ lilymhe weren’t you already in school when she was born?
⤷ carlossainz55 You don’t always have to go there Lily 😔
🝮
september 19th, 2023
carloslovesyn
liked by lance_stroll and 90 others
carloslovesyn The theory is true guys, face her north for a boy
charles_leclerc I wish your fans could see how you two really are
⤷ alexandrasaintmleux why are you always the first person to comment
⤷ charles_leclerc I always keep my notifications on for my man 😘😉
⤷ alexandrasaintmleux wow ok then.
yn baby boy 🩵
⤷ carloslovesyn Why don’t you call me baby boy?
⤷ yn oh jeez
alex_albon some things are better left unsaid chili
pierregasly thanks for the advice mate 😋
⤷ francisca.cgomes 😏
⤷ carloslovesyn Ok that’s enough
⤷ pierregasly so you can get freaky in the comments but not us?
⤷ carloslovesyn Not under my post 🚫
danielricciardo CARLOS SAINZ JR JR
⤷ landonorris jr jr 😭😭
🝮
thisisnotyn
liked by zendaya and 97 others
thisisnotyn can’t wait for my boy to arrive
zendaya me and tom are sending all of our love from the uk! 🩵🩵
⤷ thisisnotyn awh i miss you two 🥹
⤷ tomholland2013 Sending spider-man merch over right now
roscoelovescoco Best’s Godmother to’s best’s mom!
⤷ yn i love you roscoe
francisca.cgomes i can’t get over how much of a baddie you’ll be 🫦
⤷ lilymhe going to combust just thinking about it
⤷ alexandrasaintmleux i know the feeling
⤷ carmenmmundt I catch myself thinking about it all the time
⤷ pierregasly ok that’s enough
⤷ alex_albon i’ve seen enough
⤷ charles_leclerc Every single post of y/n
⤷ georgerussell63 Well now I know what you all feel like…
⤷ carloslovesyn Why are you all obsessed with my wife?
⤷ lilymhe why are saying that like a gazillon other people aren’t
fernandoalo_oficial So excited to meet him next year! 💙
maxverstappen1 I’m sending redbull merch over right now
⤷ carlossainz55 Don’t even think about it
⤷ maxverstappen1 Might be saving you money for next season 🤷♂️
⤷ yn OH?!
🝮
january 1st, 2024
yn
liked by kyliejenner and 17,028,779 others
yn see you next month hermano 🤍
carlossainz55 First
♥︎ by author
hoeforsainzzz WTF JAW DROPPED HEART STOPPED THIS GIRL JUST HARD LAUNCHED HER PREGNANCY 😭
leclerc_pascale Can’t wait to meet him ❤️
landonorris let’s pray he doesn’t get your meaness
smoothoperator55 BABY SAINZ? BABY BOY SAINZ? DILF CARLOS? MILF Y/N?
ynissocutiepatootie STOP MY HEART CANT TAKE THIS IM SHOOK
alexandrasaintmleux he’s so loved already ❤️
hearts4lando WASN’T EXPECTING THIS ON THE FIRST DAY OF 2024
beloved.hamilton EVERYONE SHUT UP CARLOS IS A DILF AND Y/N IS A MILF 😨
ynstan4lyfe HELO ME AHDNANAWWOWO
lilac.leclerc OH MY FUCK BALLS
slutmeoutlewis YOU CANNOT JUST DROP THIS TYPE OF NEW ON A RANDOM ASS MONDAY
🝮
carlossainz55
liked by schecoperez and 10,923,846 others
carlossainz55 Next month
comments for this post have been limited
charles_leclerc Congratulations mate! I am so happy for you and y/n ♥️
♥︎ by author
landonorris congratulations to the best mate and to the meanest person i know! ♥️
⤷ yn why you always insist on being a hater
⤷ landonorris girl your the biggest hater i know don’t even
anasainzvdec So excited 🥰
♥︎ by author
fernandoalo_oficial Congrats Carlos & Y/n! I wish you a happy and healthy baby ❤️
♥︎ by author
danielricciardo carlos sainz jr jr
♥︎ by author
blancasainzv Can’t wait to meet my nephew! 🤍
♥︎ by author
scuderiaferrari Can’t wait to see him in the paddock next year 😍
♥︎ by author
carlossainzoficial ♥️
♥︎ by author
hoeforsainzzz i love how everyone’s acting like they didn’t already know 😭
🝮
march 29th, 2024
yn
liked by therock and 19,204,673 others
yn Mathéo James Sainz 2.14.24 ♥️
carlossainz55 Mi sol y mi luna ♥️
⤷ yn i love you chili
⤷ carlossainz55 I love you the most mami
⤷ hoeforsainzzz MAMI??? IM GONNA NUT
⤷ yn me too girl 😭
bretmanrock i love you queen your my hero
♥︎ by author
lilymhe MILF MILF MILF
♥︎ by author
francisca.cgomes hot mama & cutie baby
♥︎ by author
alexandrasaintmleux motherhood looks so good on you 😫😫
♥︎ by author
carmenmmundt Valentine baby 🥰
♥︎ by author
⤷ georgerussell63 Carmen only thirsts on the priv I guess
♥︎ by author
⤷ lovely.leclerc oh? 😭😨
lewishamilton Congratulations you two ❤️
♥︎ by author
danielricciardo Same puppy dog eyes like his dad
♥︎ by author
alex_albon i bet he misses his favorite uncle already
⤷ charles_leclerc Girl what…
⤷ landonorris don’t even 🤣🤣
⤷ charles_leclerc Guys I was basically there when that baby was conceived i’m the favorite uncle
⤷ landonorris tf you are i was the first in the lobby when she went into labor
⤷ charles_leclerc Cause I was out buying SUSHI for her after she gave birth SO HA
⤷ landonorris i built his crib
⤷ charles_leclerc The crib I bought for them 🤣 suck my toes nowins I win
⤷ alex_albon well shit
⤷ yn charles is his favorite lando…you should’ve been more considerate when you ate the WHOLE TUB of ice cream i bought
⤷ landonorris my villian origin story.
🝮
carlossainz55
liked by pierregasly and 10,924,785 others
carlossainz55 February 14th, 2024 me and my wife welcomed our baby boy Mathéo James Sainz into the world ♥️
comments for this post have been limited
yn i love you papi
♥︎ by author & 2,827,901 others
⤷ carlossainz55 I love you the most mami, always and forever
♥︎ by yn and 1,092,545 others
charles_leclerc ♥️♥️
landonorris uncle lan misses matty already
carlossainzoficial My grandson ❤️
pierregasly bro doesn’t know how lucky he got in the gene compartment
scuderiaferrari Future f1 driver 😍❤️
⤷ thisisnotyn not for you guys 🤣🤣
⤷ yn oops sorry my account got hacked 😂
alexandrasaintmleux garçon précieux 🥰
landonorris dilf
⤷ yn go away whore
⤷ landonorris i am APPALLED by this behavior y/n.
🝮
carlossainz55
liked by arthur_leclerc and 4,018,942 others
carlossainz55 My whole world 🌍❤️
yn i love you cheesy boy 🤍
⤷ carlossainz55 I love you the most honey
landonorris yuck 🤮
⤷ yn if you had a girlfriend you would be the same way, unfortunately that day has yet to come 🤣🤣💀
alexandrasaintmleux cuties ❤️❤️❤️
francisca.cgomes MY whole heart 🥰
⤷ carlossainz55 You, Lily, and Alex are my BIGGEST and only opps
⤷ francisca.cgomes TAKE THE L 🤣🤣
lilymhe so precious 🥹🥹💗
charles_leclerc Carlos never lets a day go by without him talking about Mathéo & y/n
♥︎ by author
scuderiaferrari Our favorite family ❤️
carloslovesyn cuteness overload fr
#carlos sainz#carlos sainz smau#carlos sainz fluff#carlos sainz smut#carlos sainz imagine#carlos sainz x reader#f1 smau#f1 imagine#f1 x reader
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all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)
please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read
disposable girl (jordyn)
(old)
i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL
(new)
man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..
irreverent girl (kairi)
(old)
I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.
(new)
When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents
splitter girl (tahira)
(old)
theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe
(new)
getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^
fainéant girl (freyja)
(old)
i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make
(new)
my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me
caliber girl (nora)
(old)
唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…
(new)
My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml
chocolate box girl (morgan)
(old)
i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this
(new)
girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!
taxidermy girl (mayra)
(old)
I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over
(new)
Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on
chemical girl (joy)
(old)
LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right
(new)
i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon
refraction girl (nataana)
(old)
i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better
(new)
talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that
nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)
(old)
I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.
(new)
I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!
#the post traumatic manifesto#tptm#refraction girl#weevildoing#splitter girl#nurse parallel#chocolate box girl#chemical girl#disposable girl#faineant girl#irreverent girl#taxidermy girl#caliber girl
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