#and as immigrant parents like ... me getting a degree means everything to them and it took me 6 years to even come to this point

[randomnumbers751650]

Saying that No Game, No Life is wasted potential isn’t a particularly new take, but still, I can’t help but to think about it. When I first watched it, I honestly didn’t notice how weird it is, how shock-full of invasive fanservice it was, just that it was colorful and had an engaging plot – I only learned of that when rewatching clips and I honestly can’t understand how I just not noticed those things at all and that makes me wonder how much of it is the editor’s demands or the author decided to put there (because, in order to sell, there needs to be a bit or a lot of otaku pandering).

In hindsight, Sora and Shiro were really different from other isekai protagonists. Most of them were really “normal people” given powers, reflecting the average audience of these works, with varying degrees of success. Sora does seem like the standard isekai protagonists at first: people who feel they don’t fit on Earth and would be glad to turn their virtual escapism into a real one.

But, the more you watch, the more you realize there’s nothing normal about these two: they’re both batshit insane. They don’t concoct crazy plans because the situation demands them to, but rather they’re the ones pushing forward those crazy plans, they’re the ones betting everything on the table in order to win a game. And, above all, they want to have fun doing it.

Tet didn’t just bring them to the new world, but he spirited them away. Before the term “isekai’d” was popularized in anime fandoms, the term was “spirited away” (just like the movie) when a god or entity decided to take someone from their world into a new one; there are hundreds of stories like that in many cultures before isekais. Tet saw them as perfect for his plans and thus he didn’t give them a lot of say.

And it makes me wonder what made Sora and Shiro reject their world so deeply, before being spirited away. They are in their own room playing games and criticizing real life for being such a crappy game. They probably were into e-sports or something (which, given their ability, wouldn’t be a big problem), and that would explain how they could afford all that stuff and why they are so attached to their stuff, that's all they have besides each other. I remember there was a flashback with their parents or guardians just walking past them and I think that’s a great example of minimalism – it teases you into thinking what actually happened, but that’s the only it’s needed to explain their perspective: no one really likes them in Earth. Maybe they tried to make friends and couldn’t, maybe everyone looked at them for being different. This makes plausible why they just stop working when they’re separate (something the anime never had time to explore, but I’m sure it would play a role in the later game).

Also, one thing that attracted most was that the author (Yuu Kamiya, or Thiago Furukawa Lucas) was born and lived in Brazil for most of his early years, before moving to Japan. As a Brazilian, I always thought that to be amazing, because I can see some “Brazilianity” in NGNL. I mean, I hope I’m not seeing things that aren’t there, but an author adds the flavor they grew up with consciously or not. Sora’s “I love humanity” shirt reminds me of the catchphrase “Sou brasileiro e não desisto nunca” (I’m Brazilian and never give up) and even the Brazilian method of resourcefulness (called “jeitinho”, check r/ItHadToBeBrazil and you’ll get it), which might be a component on how Sora and Shiro act in their crazy plans. It makes me want to try to read isekai not as an escapist fantasy, but rather as a metaphor for immigration.

The series also has a degree of deconstruction: Tet rewrote the rules of the world to avoid that catastrophic war and centuries later it feels like the inhabitants of Disboard learned nothing, there’s still racism and high demands for war, and humans are an endangered species. So, he needs Sora and Shiro to break through this probably teach a lesson, so that they can unite all the peoples of Disboard in the best game ever against Tet.

But I don’t think we’ll ever see that. The jeitinho has a dark side, represented by the saying “Pra Deus, até faço gol de mão” (I’ll even score a goal with my hand for God), and a Brazilian can understand how it applies here. Kamiya got involved in a plagiarism case and I’m not sure if his reputation rebounded or not. Either way, I have to admit I haven’t followed the light novel’s updates since a bit later after the anime ending, but the fact no one talks about it means that I guess we can only expect the worse.

Either way, it’s been over 10 years since I watched NGNL and it was something that really let a mark on me. I honestly think isekai opens the possibility to explore so many questions and scenarios. Even if NGNL recycled certain very very questionable tropes and pandering, I do believe it did try to do something different and fun with it.

[sissa-arrows]

(Diff anon) Hi! I read your post about PoC being defensive about colonialism, and I'd like to know your opinion about the subject of your last paragraph

I know someone who is exactly like that, and I have noticed that white people love using them as tokens to justify their racists and anti lgbtq+ opinions, and when they use their "I'm not racist I have PoC friends" excuse, they actually mean PoC who act and think like them

PoC who live in the Global North (myself included) benefits from the imperialism, colonialism and neo colonialism of the countries where we live.

I’m an Algerian woman born and raised in France. France hates me. France spends its time saying that the colonisation of my people was a good thing. My little brothers are the ONLY people in their generation who have a lower life expectancy than their parent (a study made in France shows that the life expectancy grows in France EXCEPT for North African men who happen to be children of 1st gen immigrants parents because of all the racism). I live in a country where I cannot wear the hijab at my job, a country where one of the biggest party was created by people who tortured Algerians for fun and wanted all of us dead. I’m not even going to start on employment discrimination.

Guess what? I’m still privileged because I still benefit from French imperialism and neocolonialism. The reason I have a dentist is because France loots Africa to the point where African doctors come in France because they will have a better salary here. I probably wouldn’t have the job I have if France paid back for all its colonial crimes (but then if France did that I would have the money to leave the country forever also I am NOT a cop nor do I work with them or the military just to get things straight).

The problem is that too many PoC don’t realize that. The second you talk about their privilege they react like white people and take it as a personal attack. Just like white people go “I grew up poor I don’t have privileges” PoC in the west will go “Have you seen all the racism? I don’t have privileges.”

These same PoC especially Africans in France also internalized the racism so much that they convinced themselves that just because they studied in France they can fix their home country. The amount of times I see Africans (from North to South from East to West) saying shit “You don’t realize if we went back to our homeland we would fix everything”. I had a friend (one of the reasons we ain’t friend anymore) who told me that when I was a student and I was like “girl we’re studying Japanese and English what the hell do you think we’re going to do?! Our countries have engineers, doctors, scientists but sure we’re going to fix everything with our French degrees in English and Japanese.”

And these are not even the actual sell out foot soldiers of white supremacy these are often PoC who are on the left and are more of less anti racist. But they have a superiority complexe and internalized racism.

I have so many things to say but people get defensive over it the second you mention it. A woman who survived to the Bosnian Genocide made a comments about all Americans being privileged and she got so much hate especially from PoC and I’m like “BUT YOU FUCKING ARE PRIVILEGED WE LIVE IN THE BELLY OF THE BEAST WE BENEFIT FROM IT” anyway I’ll stop here because I’ll get angry and I’ll insult people and anyway.

[stargazer-sims]

You know how you have an idea and your brain just gets stuck on it until you share it or otherwise do something about it? Or are you normal?

Yes, this is about my OCs. In fact, it's probably everything you (n)ever wanted to know about Nikolai Pavlenko.

It's gonna be long. Apologies.

Seriously, you get all the 🍪 and ⭐️ if you make it through this Chaotic Info Post™

Anyway, I was just thinking about how some of my best and/or favourite OCs were only meant to be secondary characters, but somehow became so interesting to me (either on their own or in relation to other characters) that I absolutely had to develop them. Nikolai was one of those, and now, so are his potential love interests, Ginger and Mishka.

I already had skeletal backstories for both Ginger and Mishka (Ginger's was a bit more in-depth, to be fair, but still...) Now, suddenly they're both telling me all kinds of things about themselves to the point where I can't even decide which one of them Nikolai is meant to be with. I mean, let's face it; he's definitely not meant to be with Anya again, and he's too loving and sweet to be alone.

Nikolai can credit all his former coaches and his figure skating friends, and his students to some degree, for shaping who he is as a person. He loves his parents and has a good relationship with them, but his father in particular is not the sort of person to show much emotion or demonstrate affection and his mother is a bold, no-nonsense woman who can come off as brusque and rude to people who don't know her. Nikolai is not like that. He's gentle and patient and he likes to show others how he feels and loves to give and receive affection. It was his coaches, Stanislav and Beth-Anne, who brought out the best in him, and in reality they often parented him just as much or more than his parents did. As an adult, and since becoming a coach himself, he's also learned a lot about how to have good relationships with people and also a lot about himself.

As a teenager, Nikolai's closest friends were all figure skaters, like him. He started skating at the age of five, when his family lived in another town. At his old skating club, he didn't manage to make a lot of friends and would have been desperately lonely if it weren't for his sister Natascha.

He was sixteen when his family moved, and he flourished at his new rink with his new coach, Stan, who taught him just as much about life and love and the challenges of growing up as he did about figure skating. It was there that he met the people who would become his core group of friends; Anya, Ginger, Hunter, Juliet and Christian.

Vivienne "Ginger" Holmes moved to town during the same summer Nikolai did, so they already had that in common when they met. She was only 14 and had come all the way to Canada from the UK specifically to train with Stan. She was living with a host family, but was essentially on her own, according to her. She and Nikolai bonded instantly, not just over being the new kids at school and the rink, but also over their shared love of dance, bike racing, comic books and spicy food. Ginger never acted stereotypically "girly" and Nikolai appreciated that. It was easy to think of her as a buddy and a confidante, without the complication of adolescent infatuation.

Anya, on the other hand, was a totally different story. She was also 14 when Nikolai met her. Like him, she was the child of an immigrant family, but unlike him, she was well-integrated, attractive and popular. Nikolai tried to avoid her at first, thinking that she was probably mean and shallow like most of the other pretty, popular girls he'd met at his old school. It was actually Anya who approached him. She was learning photography from her grandfather, and wanted to take pictures of Nikolai on the ice. He refused at first, but after Anya kept pestering him, he finally agreed one day. After practice that day, he agreed to go with Anya to get food, and they naturally started talking. Slowly but surely, they got to know each other, and he learned to trust her. As they both approached adulthood, he realized that somewhere along the way, he'd fallen in love with her.

Nikolai and Anya married when he was 24 and she was 22.They were both actively competing and were at the peak of their skating careers. The year they got married, Nikolai won his first World Championship gold medal, and Anya came away with bronze, her second World Championship medal in three years.

Unfortunately, their marriage was not meant to last. Neither of them were ready for the responsibility of a marriage. They were juggling their training and competition schedules, their finances, managing their shared home, and dealing with growing pressure from both their families to start a family of their own. Even though they didn't realize it at the time, neither of them had been ready for a marriage. They hadn't been mature or stable enough, and Anya in particular hadn't been ready to settle down.

The final blow to their marriage that they hadn't been able to overcome was the injury that abruptly ended Nikolai's competitive skating career. He was 27, and competing in the Four Continents Cup, when he injured his knee in a spectacularly bad fall. Even before the doctors and physical therapists assessed his injury, he somehow knew that his career was over, and that he'd never be in another competition.

The eventual prognosis was that he would recover enough to be able to walk and run normally, and even to be able to skate again one day if he did everything the medical professionals told him to. But, they said, he would never be able to compete again. His damaged knee would not tolerate the amount and intensity of training required for it.

Nikolai wasn't ready to accept that reality. He couldn't decide if he was more angry or sad about it, and he became increasingly depressed. Anya couldn't handle the burden of taking care of him while he recovered, with his irritability and mood swings and seemingly random bouts of crying or angry outbursts making things even worse. She decided to leave, and packed her things to go move in with her grandfather.

As if Nikolai wasn't already broken enough, Anya's departure absolutely shattered him. He felt like he was losing everything. He actually contemplated taking his own life, and he might very well have done if not for his coach at the time, Beth-Anne.

Beth-Anne received a phone call in the middle of the night, and on the other end of the line was Nikolai, sobbing inconsolably and telling her that he was scared. Beth-Anne didn't ask questions. She told him to go and unlock the door and not to do anything else, and that she'd be there in ten minutes. She threw on some clothes, grabbed her car keys and sped all the way there. When she got there, she found Nikolai sitting on the floor in the entryway, still crying and looking absolutely exhausted. He hadn't even made it back to the sofa or his bed or wherever he'd been when he phoned her. He literally had unlocked the front door and done nothing else until she arrived.

Beth-Anne gathered him up and took him to the ER. She knew he needed help, at least to settle him down. Anything else he needed after that, she could handle herself. She lost patience with the doctors who were going on about anti-depressants and therapy, once they'd heard the full story, and she vetoed the idea of them admitting him for a psychological evaluation. She verbally exploded on the doctor with, "He doesn't need his head examined and he doesn't need fucking drugs! He needs a sense of purpose and someone who actually gives a shit!" That got the tiniest smile out of Nikolai, and Beth-Anne was silently and secretly pleased.

In the end, she and Nikolai did acquiesce to a painkiller for his leg and some medication to help him sleep, and agreed that he should stay in the hospital overnight for observation. Beth-Anne bullied the doctor into letting her stay with Nikolai all night, and she didn't leave his side for more than a few minutes. In the morning, she called Nikolai's parents and informed them that he'd be staying with her for a while, and then with the consent of the doctor, she took a still-drowsy Nikolai home to her place and tucked him into bed in the guest room.

For the first couple of days, Beth-Anne cancelled all her students' practices and stayed home with Nikolai. She made him stay in bed or on the sofa, and practically waited on him. On the third day, however, she bundled him up and took him to the rink with her, telling him that he needed to watch her and observe her students, because she'd be asking him for commentary and critique later. That was his first glimpse into the skating world from the other side of the gate.

As the weeks progressed, Nikolai began to feel better. Every day, he went to the rink with Beth-Anne to be a second set of eyes for her, spotting different things each of the skaters did exceptionally well and things they still needed work on. At home, Beth-Anne helped him work on his physical therapy exercises, taught him how to cook, introduced him to yoga, and happily expounded upon the joys and pains of being a figure skating coach. She answered all his questions about coaching, and encouraged him to join her as an assistant when he was ready.

Eventually he did join her as a coaching assistant. After a few months, he was able to skate again for short periods of time, and then it wasn't long before he'd taken over one of Beth-Anne's beginner groups, teaching his five little skaters mostly on his own, with minimal guidance from Beth-Anne. He was happy to realize she'd been right. The thing he'd needed most was someone who cared about him and something to bring a sense of purpose to his life.

Meanwhile, Anya was deeply regretting her decision to leave Nikolai. She still loved him and wanted to come back, but he wasn't ready for that. He was still hurt, and he didn't think he could put himself through another ride on the emotional roller coaster that had been life with Anya. He filed for divorce, and she didn't contest it.

They were able to repair their friendship, but Nikolai wasn't interested in renewing their romantic relationship at that point. Eventually, he would be, but he needed time. He had to admit that he still loved Anya too, but he realized things would never be good between them until they both changed.

At some point, they settled into a "friends with benefits" arrangement, where they agreed that they weren't going to commit to each other and that they'd be free to see other people.

During that period of time, Nikolai went out with his good friend Ginger several times, but they never once slept together and never liked to say their outings were dates. Nikolai dated other people as well, but nothing ever developed with anyone.

It was on the night that he, Beth-Anne, Ginger, Juliet and Hunter were out at a club, celebrating his thirtieth birthday that he met the person whom he'd have his next serious relationship with, Mikhail Vasiliev (a.k.a. Mishka). Nikolai and Hunter were up at the bar, getting drinks for themselves and the ladies when they noticed a man around their age apparently struggling to explain something to one fo the bartenders. The man was enormous, with bulging muscles clearly visible through his snug-fitting shirt, and Nikolai guessed that if they were standing side-by-side, the top of his head would only come up to the man's shoulder. Despite that, however, the man had an oddly childlike quality about him. His sweet face was crumpled with frustration and he looked like he might cry at any moment if he couldn't make himself understood.

Nikolai's second observation was that he recognized the language the man was speaking in between snatches of halting, broken English.

"He's speaking Russian," Nikolai told Hunter. "I'm going to help him."

As it turned out, Mishka was lost and had come into the club for directions. After not having succeeded in getting help at a convenience store down the street, he'd wandered into the only other establishment that was open at that hour. He explained to Nikolai that he was a professional hockey player, and that he'd been part of a mid-season trade from his old team to the one in Brindleton Bay. He'd only arrived a few days ago, and was staying at a hotel until he found a suitable place to live. This particular evening, he'd had dinner by himself at a restaurant, and then on a whim, decided to take a late evening stroll around town. But then, he'd gotten confused and couldn't find his way back to the hotel.

Nikolai and Hunter invited him to come and join Nikolai's little birthday party, and then Nikolai would take him back to the hotel afterwards. Mishka agreed, mostly because he was a little desperate, but he would later say it was the best choice he'd made in a while.

Nikolai and Mishka spent a lot of time just getting to know each other after that, and soon realized this was not going to be just a friendship. Everyone agreed that Mishka was good for Nikolai, and his family and most of his friends liked him. As for Mishka, he was very happy to find himself surrounded by so many people who cared about him, and to be falling in love with somebody who treated him gently and took care of him the way Nikolai did.

For all his strong, tough appearance, Mishka is a meek and quiet person. The thing he appreciated most about Nikolai is that he recognized Mishka's vulnerability and never judged him for it. He was always there to support him and look after him. For Nikolai, Mishka inspired the same kind of nurturing and protectiveness as his young protégé Eden Seong and all his other students, and the relationship offered him that all-important sense of purpose.

His relationship with Mishka was quiet and steady, with none of the chaos and emotional turbulence that his relationship with Anya had. There were fewer risky adventures, far less wild sex, very little personal drama, and no all-out screaming arguments. They often disagreed, but they rarely fought, and they would always try to make up before going to sleep if they did fight.

To Nikolai, their love was all the sweeter, knowing that they were able to successfully navigate through the aftermath of an argument and still want to curl up together in bed when all was said and done. That always made him feel safe, when they felt satisfied enough with the outcome to finally let themselves go to bed, and he was wrapped in Mishka’s huge, gentle arms. Sometimes Mishka would sing to him; the most unexpectedly angelic voice coming from this massive man who looked like he’d be more at home yelling commands to workers at the dockyard than chanting in a choir.

(Mishka had been in an all-boys choir as a child and young teen)

Mishka is cuddly and affectionate, just like Nikolai, and they both fulfilled each other’s need for physical touch. They also had no qualms about being affectionate in public, and it wasn’t at all a rare sight to see them holding hands while out for a walk or to catch Mishka hugging Nikolai from behind and shyly kissing his cheek while they waited in line for coffee.

Mishka shared Nikolai’s love of cycling, and the two of them liked to go on bike rides together. Their favourite thing to do together was to bike somewhere and go exploring. In the summertime, they’d take several small trips where they’d bike for a while, then hike into to the woods and find a nice spot to put up their tent, and camp in the forest for a night or two. Sometimes they’d find a place to fish, sometimes they’d sit in the sun and read, and sometimes they’d wander around and look at the flowers, mushrooms and trees and simply enjoy the quiet. Mishka often got stressed about getting lost, but Nikolai is good with a compass and so they never did.

Other things they enjoyed together were swimming, dancing, playing video games and of course skating. Sometimes the skating was more about Nikolai showing off while Mishka admired him, but mostly they’d skate laps together until Nikolai’s knee dictated a halt. Then, they’d go home, and Mishka would ice and massage his leg until he felt better.

One of the big challenges in their relationship was Mishka’s travelling. The team was constantly on the go throughout the regular season, and even longer if they made the playoffs. Nikolai didn’t like how often Mishka was away from him, and even though there was a set schedule for the team’s away games and home games, the whole thing still felt unstable and uncertain to him. Psychologically, it was difficult for him, and although he tried not to show how upset and stressed he was every time Mishka had to leave, Mishka always knew. He hated that Nikolai was upset, but there wasn’t much he could do in that situation, which naturally upset him too.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle for them was Anya. Nikolai and Anya’s on-again, off-again friends with benefits situation was in a definite “off again” phase when Nikolai and Mishka decided they were in an official relationship, but that didn’t stop Anya from coming around and trying to make herself at home. She’d show up ostensibly to cook for them, help them with their laundry or bring them something she’d knitted. The whole thing made Mishka feel extremely uncomfortable, and he said so on multiple occasions.

Regardless of the fact that Nikolai told Anya several times he wasn’t interested at all, Anya still tried to flirt with him (and with Mishka, much to Mishka’s distress). Mishka was never worried about Nikolai being unfaithful, but he neither liked nor trusted Anya.

One of the worst things for Nikolai during all this was that he didn’t even have his buddy Ginger around to talk to about it. Not long after Nikolai and Mishka had gotten together, Ginger had returned to the UK to begin her own journey as a figure skating coach and, as it happened, a wife. She and Nikolai did their best to keep in touch, but with their schedules, time zones, and Ginger’s new husband Liam not liking her to talk to other men, it was a challenge.

Inevitably, Nikolai and Mishka reached the conclusion that as much as they loved and cared for each other, this was not the right time or the right circumstances for them to stay together. They mutually decided to part ways and remain friends, and they promised that if their situations ever changed, they'd look each other up and hopefully try again. They did their best to keep in touch after that, but just like his contact with Ginger, Nikolai's contact with Mishka was semi-regular, but they still managed not to lose track of each other. He never forgot what they'd promised and neither did Mishka.

Fast-forward a few years, and Nikolai receives a message from Ginger, telling him that she and Liam are divorcing, and she's moving to Japan to continue to train her star student, Sebastian Fujikawa, a Japanese citizen who'd previously been training in the UK while he attended school there. The teenager was ready to go home to Japan, though, and he'd practically begged Ginger to come with him. She told Nikolai she was ready for a change, and that she'd gladly agreed.

Meanwhile, Nikolai was busy with Eden, his own young champion in the making, as well as his other students. Eden and Sebastian were the same age, Nikolai discovered, and soon they'd be competing in the senior division, where they — and their coaches — would undoubtedly meet at international competitions. It was easier for Nikolai and Ginger to keep in touch, now that she didn’t have Liam breathing down her neck, and their contact became less sporadic. Nikolai always looked forward to the chances when they'd encounter each other in person at a competition or training camp. Seeing Ginger again always made him happy.

Fast-forward another handful of years, and Nikolai finds himself in the unlikely scenario of being begged to come to Japan by his own student. Eden had decided to follow his brother Charlie to Japan, where Charlie was going to pursue his career as a professional aesthetitian, hoping to become the proverbial beautician of the stars in the J-pop music industry.

Initially, Eden asked Nikolai to come with him, and Nikolai said no. For one thing, he was terrified to uproot himself from his family, students and familiar surroundings. He was never good with instability, and he didn't think he could cope with that drastic a change in his life. His other reason was that he thought Eden might need to assert his own independence a bit. He didn't want Eden to leave, but knew that it'd be wrong to hold him back.

Eden found a new coach to train with, but the whole thing went terribly wrong after only a few months. Coincidentally, he was skating out of the same rink in a small town in Japan where Ginger was coaching her student, Sebastian. Nikolai heard more of the story from Ginger than he did from Eden at first, as Eden didn't want to upset him with all the horrible details, nor did he want Nikolai to think he was trying to guilt him into coming to Japan.

Finally, Eden did confess the whole truth, and Nikolai was heartbroken to realize that he'd made a huge mistake in not going to Japan with Eden in the first place. He'd all but made up his mind to go, and it really took very little extra persuasion on the part of Ginger and Charlie to fully convince him.

He was overjoyed to be reunited with Eden. Three months had felt like forever to him. He's struggling to adapt to life in Japan, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't scared, but having Eden, Charlie and Ginger close by helps him. Anya, a professional sports and entertainment photographer, has been there to visit him, while she was travelling in Asia for work. As much as he wants to deny it, he was glad to see her too and try as he might, he can't deny that he's looking forward to her coming back again.

But, other than training with Eden again, the real highlight has been his reunion with Ginger. It's brought him much more joy than he'd expected, and he's really not certain how to explain his feelings about it. He and Ginger spend as much time together as they can, and it didn't take much for them to slip back into their old friendship. They still don't want to say they're dating, and neither one of them really sees their relationship as a romance, but they're nevertheless very happy together. Nikolai can honestly say he loves Ginger, and he sees nothing wrong with that.

It's all good until he receives a long email from Mishka. Now 35 years old, Mishka has decided that too many injuries and stamina that's fading with age have finally made him uncompetitive as a pro hockey player, and it's time to retire. Nikolai could read the excitement in Mishka's written message, and he easily could picture Mishka's sweet face glowing with a smile at the sentence, "I never forgot you. I'm coming to Japan to find you, my love."

Nikolai is excited too, until he thinks about Ginger. And Anya.

He's still figuring out his feelings for Ginger, who is already right there in town, and Anya will be back soon on another business trip. How's he supposed to handle Mishka too, in the midst of that?

He has a problem, and not the sort of problem most people have. Some people have trouble finding one love interest. Nikolai's problem is that he may have far too many...

[ivettel]

RARELY DOES WANDERING ON TWITTER send me into a more reflective mood. but, you know, with all the people saying one needs to be part of a certain country to be angry about racism against the people of that country (and wow, that's a mouthful), together with some thoughts already swirling in my head from reading r.f. kuang's yellowface, i'm thinking: in such a globalized world where asian people can lead completely different cultural lives, who gets to be the representative voices to other people?

gets to, mind--not has the right, or deserves. i think there's a very important distinction between all the terms you could possibly use. some of them imply an inherent possession, like a kind of exclusive club that one can be a member of just by being born the right (or wrong) way. some imply a forceful taking of power, a (re)claiming of sorts, with almost a tyrannical nature to the words.

-

MY CANADIAN-ASIAN FRIENDS AND I are a mix of first and second gen immigrants from east asia, south-east asia, india, etc. we frequently find ourselves talking about diversity and the like, real nerd ass shit (quote unquote) you get from mashing people in the media literacy publication together to talk about media literacy and publications. think socratic seminar, except peppered in with gen-z cringe and (un?)ironic r/im14andthisisdeep.

but for the last four or so years, a more serious thread of convo has always been picked up, that being: are we even allowed to position ourselves as voices of authority on racial matters? are we allowed to, when our particular lived experiences in this country of privilege mean we've lost touch with part of the homeland? after all, points out a vietnamese friend, i never had to live in fear for my life on a boat. then, being a conversation we've rehashed time and time again, we talk in circles.

of course you have a right to speak on the lived vietnamese experience. sure you do, you just don't have an all-encompassing viewpoint. don't act like you know everything, which you're already doing.

and it's so easy among immigrants like us to say shit like that. to say, yeah, i'm from here, but my family's from there. to say, no, i don't speak my people's tongue and be met with understanding. it's like asian-canadianness is its own culture, further alienating us from the cultures back overseas. and that's not necessarily a bad thing: it means it's okay to leave a conversation among us at that intersection of nuance, where yeah, you have an experience, and it might not be The Experience, but it's still something valuable.

when it comes to other people, however, things get messy. they always want to box you in beyond the boxes you sit yourself in.

-

"I'M SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING my country has done to yours," says a son of parents from mainland china who didn't immigrate over, but instead sent their child to canada in the hopes that he could obtain a special-looking, foreign degree, and come back home.

he's a doe-eyed, earnest looking guy, well-meaning in his tone and the way he wrings his hands, like he's really very sorry. he's all but accosted me at a film event i'm hosting for the union. i'm decked out in CUPE colours, trying to handle talking to two other people at once, feeling frazzled and more machine than human, the way i'm running this event tightly, no wiggle room for big errors.

he's happened to overhear me offhandedly telling someone that my mom is from hong kong, and he looks like he's two seconds away from crying unless i tell him on the spot that i forgive him.

i don't forgive him. i don't know how. i don't know if i'm allowed to.

it's an incredibly strange feeling, to be looked at like you could be somebody's salvation. not even anyone in my string of exes ever looked at me like that, like if i said, don't worry about it, he could go home to china and say, the hongkongers understand. like anybody outside could understand the magnitude of violence that shook hong kong in 2019 and 2020.

i tell him, "i don't blame the people, i blame the government and greed." because it's true, i don't think the everyday working man in shanghai wanted to bring hong kong to its knees. i don't think the high schooler in beijing trying to make it past their big national exams wanted to make it rain blood over tsim sha tsui. i tell him, "besides, my dad is from taiwan, so i'm not even fully hongkonger."

which is the wrong move, because he goes ashen, and shoves his stupid doe-eyes in my face again, and insists: i'm so, so sorry.

i can't forgive him. i can't not.

what has he ever done except understand that the mainland holds my two home countries at bombpoint?

what have i ever done except grow up white?

-

MAYBE IT'S ONLY SPRING, BUT it feels like summer, and a family friend from hong kong is sitting across from me in a restaurant with her eyes downcast while she picks at the hem of her thick hoodie.

i haven't seen her in ages. i've only barely kept up with her through social media. her mom and my mom were in nursing school together, roommates and best friends. her mom was the kind of girl to get all the guys, to date all the time and fool around and be the top of the class, while my mom studied her ass off and stayed average. (and mom always says that she never resented her best friend, but i know. oh, i know.)

it's her first time out of hong kong for the last six or seven years. she's changed so drastically, i think i only recognize her face.

put yourself in my sixteen year-old shoes for a second. when i was in high school, she was one of the coolest people i knew: a female percussionist fresh out of some prestigious music conservatory in england, a basketball lover, a confident and self-assured kind of woman, worlds away from the people in my little home city of halifax.

now, when i look at her, her body language is distinctly withdrawn and uncomfortable, and her eyes keep flicking over at the myriad of pretty white people around us, who unnerve the rest of our table as well. i want to say, girl, you chose this restaurant. we could be eating good food right now. i keep my mouth shut. the only thing she does with determination is order a steak and some trendy cocktail. she doesn't ask me about my life. she doesn't open up about anything. it feels like an interview more than a conversation.

we're not even fifteen minutes into seeing each other when the revolution is brought up, and her whole demeanour changes. her mom's whole demeanour changes too. i know secondhand that they've lost almost everything in the ensuing fallout, that they've had to scrape by to find menial work they're far too outqualified for. the country should still be fine for tourists if you ever want to visit, she offers. lots of sightseeing.

i pretend not to read into it too much, but i know exactly what she's saying, and so does my mom, if the look i get is any indication.

you're not really one of us.

-

"CAN I ASK YOUR OPINION," says my mom, interrupting me while i'm slurping away at my udon like a fucking pro. this is possibly the cleanest i've ever consumed the noodles, barely spilling a drop of broth. (probably because i'm not blogging with one hand while i blindly grab at everything with my chopsticks in the other, but whatever.) beside me, my sister is scrolling through some webtoon, her bowl empty.

i bear the interruption and make a sound, something like an inelegant, "ah?"

mom has her eyes closed, her head bowed like she's seriously thinking. at this point, i'm pretty sure she's going to ask me about some social etiquette faux pas she thinks she's in the right about, again, and god, sometimes, she's so pretentious, it makes me want to give her attitude like i'm the teenager in the room.

but she surprises me and asks: "do you look down on mainland china?"

i'm half joking when i say, "fobs or real mainlanders?"

fresh off the boat, if you're not aware of the slang. refers to new immigrants from the mainland. usually sweating money, can be found noisily revving their custom sports cars, or walking around in groups like some pantomime of an italian mafia, outwardly radiating regina george mean girls vibes like they're paid to do it.

at least, that's how they're usually thought of. i've always seen them more as schools of fish trying to navigate together, almost as though they're establishing a bit of connection in a place that seems to abhor it.

i don't begrudge them for the things they do. white people are fucking terrifying, especially when you don't speak english very well, and they treat you like you're subhuman. the way they're visibly stifling an eye-roll, the way their voices get that particular edge to it, like you're testing their patience, like you're wasting their time. like they're thinking, just learn the goddamn language we use, it's not that hard. like people learning english aren't already trying.

luckily, mom is still deep in contemplation. her best friend, she explains, looks down on the mainlanders. thinks they're filthy pigs for being china chinese, thinks that knowing mandarin means you're not sticking it to the man, that everybody there is a mindless drone, and it's just not true.

(and never mind that taiwanese people speak mandarin. it's really frustrating that taiwan is always just another pawn in a larger chess game, a convenient argument to use or put away as necessary, by china or by the usa or by our own allies in hong kong.)

"it's not true," my mom repeats. "a new immigrant works in my lab, and she's very open-minded."

i don't bother pointing out that there's probably some sampling bias going on.

the real truth is, i get it: when your identity has been taken away from you, when there's a conflict between who you are and what people assign to you, you'll do anything to establish some sort of authority, change the story for yourself.

china used to be a partner. now it's an oppressor. (it's always been an oppressor for people like my dad, my grandparents, my uncle and aunt and extended family who fled with the gmd and never turned back.) chinese used to be an ethnicity thing. now it's a dirty word.

-

I'M GETTING ON THE PLANE back to nova scotia, and the white, middle-aged lady in the middle seat of my row looks nervously at me.

"will you be sitting here?" she gestures timidly at the window seat. i don't think i'm particularly scary, but maybe the mercedes jacket adds a bit of drama to my otherwise basic outfit.

everybody around me is white too, as per. c'mon, it's nova fucking scotia. they're also looking at me, because i'm holding up the last bit of the line, and what else is there to do while you wait for people to get settled.

i pitch my voice up, lean into my inner white girl private school character real fucking good as i move and smile and explain that no, sorry! i'm in the aisle seat, so i s'pose we'll just plant ourselves here until whoever sitting there comes along.

and it's like there's a collective, invisible release of tension from the people around me, but especially from my seatmate, who immediately brightens. i strike up some bullshit convo about the weather, typical complaints about the airport, y'know. window seat arrives and gets settled. we don't speak for the rest of the flight. thankfully, in front of me is a karen kind of woman with a kid around my sister's age. she's a talkative one, and it's her voice and gerard way's that keep me from being bored for the next couple hours.

when we land, it's immediate emergency alerts, and the entire plane blares to life with shocking, disjointed alarm sounds. chatter erupts after, people discussing their ties to the place in the alert with their neighbourly strangers. i've always kind of loved how wholesome nova scotians can be, or the energy they can bring to non nova scotians--everybody knows everybody by a maximum of 4 degrees of separation around these parts.

middle seat is here for a business conference, so she doesn't actually know anything about the province when we all turn to talk. window seat and karen and i make suggestions on places to visit. karen teasingly calls me a haligonian.

i walk around the city i grew up in and make note of all the changes. i break my own heart, when i can't remember what buildings stood in the place of new condos, or pits of construction. i take photos of places i used to frequent and pray that they'll still be standing when i come back again. i'm starting to think i'm not haligonian anymore, either.

-

MARTIN BESTIE BRUNDLE SAYS AN ethnic slur on live television for one of the most popular sports in the world, in front of millions and millions of viewers.

i am not one of those millions, but it doesn't matter, because the news reaches me anyway. and i scroll and i scroll and by god, i've gotta go soon, but all i can think about is hong kong, and taiwan, and china, and of course, old white people have to step in and further complicate things.

it's not that i'm not chinese. i'm chinese like i was born with a cunt like i came into this world screaming despair in the early hours of veterans day, because the universe has a twisted sense of humour and said to me, just as i left the womb: baby, war is going to define the rest of your life.

but i'm not china chinese, and honestly, i don't know what i am. my experiences are enough to give me permission to be hurt. i don't know if they're enough to give me a voice.

despite this, i have a soapbox, and i use it anyway, and i use it liberally. i get to be mad on here. whether i'm deserving of this self-righteousness, whether i'm deserving of this voice that i've borrowed, is a different matter altogether.

[hallasimss]

— introducing: abhilash raavi, young adult. ( he/they ) ( @rainymoodlet - kiss me in komorebi+ entry. ) for your information this post tried to delete itself twice via my browser crashing and then kept giving me error messages whenever i tried to post. thankfully i back up all my sh*t but it was a struggle i tell you so have him!!! and take care of him pls he's my best boi and very fragile. also excuse any sentences that do not make sense, i am not Englishing properly today an edit bc i am dumb and left this out: i maxed out all of their "likes" slots so i cannot list everything here but it will be in the tray! just in case you were wondering where it went rip

* biography.

nickname. — Abhi age. — 31 (August 7th, 1992, Leo; my young adults tend to fall within the range of 18-35) birthstone. — peridot, ruby (Hindu calendar) faceclaim ref. — Abhilash Vadada height. — 5'9" (176 cm) sexual orientation. — bisexual gender identity. — questioning mbti. — isfj (the Nurturer) traits. — shutterbug (custom mod, included), child of the ocean, cat & dog lover, music lover, vegetarian, morning sim skills. — photography, knitting and wellness mastered, singing, piano and violin level 9. fitness and komorebigo level 7 (custom mod, optional), logic and cooking level 5, charisma, comedy and rock climbing level 1 native languages. — tartosiano (custom mod, optional), telugu, simlish aspiration. — renowned photographer (custom mod, included), lord of the knits (completed) lifestyles. — close knit, outdoorsy current occupation. — freelance photographer a native of Tartosa and an only child born to a single parent/immigrant, Abhilash has always had to work just a little bit harder than the rest to achieve his goals. but whether it was snatching bits and pieces of lessons from the music tutor in town or convincing the boss for his summer job to let him do overtime on the weekends so he could use the weekdays for studying through high school, somehow he found a way to get it done. all of that eventually paid off, though, and after getting accepted to (and graduating at the top of his class from) Britechester with a distinguished degree in Fine Art, pursuing his studies in order to have a future career in orchestral work and composition seemed like the most natural next step. an accident shortly after, however—one that resulted in the partial loss of hearing in one ear—brought those plans to a halt, and after their physician suggested against going into music full time, Abhilash fell back on an old passion of theirs; photography. a few well timed snaps within the past few years may have only now brought them into the limelight, with a tidy 12.5k followers on Simstagram, but they would consider themselves anything but a celebrity. (their assistant is still trying to convince them that that one star means more than they think.) still, he makes it work, this newfound fame, splitting his time between running his own small business as a fashion and wedding photographer and exploring his various hobbies. he was hesitant at first after his best friend, Gulab, surprised him with plane tickets and a filled out form, but with everything else in his life gradually falling into place, he figures he might as well give this a chance and see where it goes—regardless of the fact that he may just be more than slightly terrified at the idea of opening himself up to a new relationship. (and if it fails, well, there's always their best friend to blame for that.)

* things to know.

not everyone can say they've dated their best friend and had the relationship come out intact on the other end, but Abhi considers himself one of the lucky ones—he and Gulab may have, uh... f*cked around with each other during their college days as part of a dare, and then for several years after that as well. the upside to all of this? they both realized they were very, very much bisexual. the downside? they both realized they were very, very much romantically incompatible with each other. despite the breakup, both are still close, and Abhi regularly keeps in touch with Gulab and his partner since the latter moved to Komorebi. (and as for Gulab? he would be lying if he said that he didn't sign them up for the show just so they could stop by and visit in case things didn't go as planned.) despite his apparent love of jewelry (as is evidenced by his extensive receipt history *cough*), Abhi has no piercings except the stud on his left nostril—several bad experiences in college during his attempts to pierce his ears (in all fairness, it was the artist's fault and the scars never did heal properly afterwards) firmly turned him off from the idea of getting anymore anywhere else, and he compensates by layering on the bracelets and rings. if you bribe them with enough chocolate, however, you may be able to convince them to get that septum piercing they've been putting off for ages. (we're going to pretend i didn't write this entire section bc the ear presets i had for him were literally incompatible with every single earring in my CAS library sksksk) unlike the piercings, his love of tattoos seemed to have fared better—to date, Abhi is in possession of several, including (but not necessarily limited to) two small botanic tattoos done on his left foot during a trip with his first ex-girlfriend (no initials, thank goodness), a Ganesha tattoo on the inside of his right wrist as a buddy to Gulab's Om tattoo in the same spot, a full back snake piece, and (his personal favorite but as of yet incomplete) lightning bolt ensemble. next on their list? a memento of their mother's handwriting. although his dreams of becoming a world-famous musician may have been placed on the backburner (or taken off of it entirely) Abhi still plays both piano and violin, sings and composes as a hobby—recently, they were contacted by a recording studio interested in their rendition of Vaughn-Williams' The Lark Ascending, and just before that performed at a charity concert for an orphanage. they haven't decided whether to take the studio up on the offer just yet, but the joy of being able to continue to polish their skills—something that immediately after the accident would have been considered impossible—is enough for them. when he's not taking photos or working on his music, Abhi is proud to say that he has quite the stash of knitted projects in his arsenal—no matter how many times he's fallen prey to the curse of the boyfriend sweater (or in his case, more girlfriends than boyfriends), you'll mostly find him starting up another one in his free time, usually while curled up on the couch watching his favorite movies and ugly crying whenever the saddest parts come on. (and no, despite his love of any and all Indian cinema he can possibly get his hands on, he still hasn't seen the end of Kal Ho Naa Ho. do with that what you will, but that's probably for the best.) if you ask nicely, they'll be more than happy to give film recommendations, and if you ask them what they're making? prepare to be swamped with excited chatter (and possibly fitted for measurements, just so they can go shopping for materials all over again).

ps: pls also have these full length versions of the headshot photos of Abhi, taken by Gulab when they stepped outside in the park for two seconds bc the latter insisted on taking 'proper business shots' when he visited last year—Abhi isn't wearing his hearing aid bc he forgot to put it back in after a (rather indulgent) practice session (his approach is something like this, last section), but he does come with it included sksksksk

[molsons112000]

When I grew up I went all over the place, I was part of a traveling team, and I also went all over the place myself and I never ran into one homeless person. And I'm talking in the early seventies. Why before the flood of immigration, jobs were very easy to get quickly... Then the government flooded the country and flooded the labor force and there became the homeless problem... my mother and father never had a problem finding a job, and I found an unbelievable amount of jobs says a child... and this is why child labor the unemployment rate went through the roof.. and then what did we get? They didn't learn responsibility, especially in the black community, and they became animals... thirty percent higher unemployment among youth... most of the people that did drugs weren't working, and the people that sold drugs weren't working... but the people that weren't, they didn't really do drugs much, and they didn't sell drugs... Like my friend mike whitehead, he stopped working and he started doing drugs.. i'm going that I watch these trust fung.Kids they unbelievable.... and a lot of them were just waiting for the trust, the start paying out and they dropped out at school... so this is where you put trust protections in, you have to get a degree you have to continuously work, or you get nothing... And this would be the same for my wife... neither you're doing the right thing or you get nothing... You commit a crime, you get cut off.. Now, you can have repentance within it, but you have to set that out as well.. these trusts kept on paying out these people like with the kennedy family.Even after he committed the raping, he still got money, money, money money... so I used to tell this to my clients, you can put in any stipulation you want, as long as it's legal, that means you can't tell them that committed crime, but you can put anything to prevent crime in. You can mandate polygraphs, you commend a drug test.You can mandate anything that is legal under the law... now they say you can't control who they marry, but this is not true.You can say you can't marry somebody who is a criminal or somebody who is a sexual offender... Those Those aren't protected classes under the law... so and you have to run the background, check, and then you have to have a continuous monitoring service... and so you will get alerted of any criminal activity... i watched my friend's sister get destroyed.Because our husband embezeld... theythey lost everything and she thought he was getting all this because truly she didn't know he was doing very well at work... But what happened her?And the kids house got taken away cars, everything they had the move in with their parents. Now she did stick by him and tried to correct it... butbut she could've divorced him and still worked with him on his so no, you don't have to stay in the relationship. But you can't abandon them.You have to figure out how they get them assistance.... 🤔 and think about how your kids view them as a role model, and if you let them go off course, they'll go off course.

And that's my second point.As the government allowed everybody to come in and break the law meaning illegal, and then they gave all the lawbreakers. Protection filing crimes went through the rough because everybody else said, well if they can do it, I can do it. Sometimes conscious, most of the time, unconscious, monkey see monkey do... that's that it sees no evil. Hear no evil speak no evil... so I never swore. And even when I said yeah, something like fudge to go or funking, my sister got ticked at me. It had to be somewhere in my twenties before I used a swear word.... 🤬 what are you teaching on to break the law.... so as more you let them freedom in action, they learn you're teaching them, there's no ramifications for their reckless actions. Spanking is needed to commit trauma. Why?They have underdeveloped short term memory and to get it into the memory.Sometimes you have to spank. SeeSee, they don't understand bridging. But when you do something that is more severe it causes a deep impact and they remember. So it's not used for small things. It's used for extreme situations... maybe like using matches... by the way, is a little kid and high school, I thought of alternative words... but I did it because I thought it was funny but very few times... then when my sister got upset, I stopped doing that as well... my goal was never the hurt upset... But what's all around me seems like everybody's goal is to upset me and hurt me!!! I've only acted out of self-defense. My whole wife and I took a lot of beatings before I acted... now you let people tailgate me day in and day out day in and day out and everything is okay... how is that??? I don't get it and then you kick me out of fifty plus restaurants and I don't go the sixty plus and these people can do what the hell they want to me.... soso every day, this becomes a more unrighteous society... people need the poop kicked out of them... and oh yeah, that's right.We have women in the military that have guns and they kill other women. So I used to have a whole group of women that were more than happy to kick the poop out of other women. So I just turned to them, and let them address the issue...

Peer to peer. My sister beat up a lot of girls..... why because they were very cruel people..... like the first time at patrick henry. The cool girls were smoking. And then they said, hey, new girl, come with us behind the field house and have a cigarette... Well, my sister wanted to fit in and then when she got behind this field house, all those girls teamed up together and beat her.... that was the last time and then she didn't hold back... When they did collax, she kicked the living c*** out of them... this is the same way my older brother grew up. The same way I grew up and my younger brother so much the same as well.... so yeah, it's a family thing, and my nephews, all of them have done the same thing. So then i'm pick on people... like when lisa got picked on matt went to the elementary school, the global boy refused to come outside. Nancy was inside, shaking and shaking, and so he got so scared.Next time he saw lisa, there was never a problem again because he was petrified that her bigger brother would come back and beat him up. The administration didn't solve anything. It just says my sister sent me many times the threaten people. And I did, I took him on a walk and I told them that I would hurt them... Just as my estate planning teacher said. He said when they do inappropriate things take amount of walk and tell them to their face what the punishment's going to be if they continue. Now he told this to our whole class and he's a lawyer, and he said, threaten them, threaten them, and if they do it again, take the action.... so I worked at a honda dealership. And I said, what do people get if they do inappropriate actions. They said we take him out back and give them a verbal warning. Then if they do it again, there's more severe consequences. And I said I can work here. Truly. And the guy who was teaching me, he was very successful, but they were very, very much on righteousness who gets the sale, and who doesn't get the sale, who is next up and who has a right to that, and who doesn't have a right to it. So is about creating fairness on the sale floor where no one would poach anyone else's business.... the same thing at gcg.. and yes thereand yes, there was one fight in the hallway, somebody poached somebody else's business... And the owners did nothing about it, because the person was in the right... nownow, you can say, there's better ways to go about it and I agree, but some people didn't understand anything but force, that's why we have a military... but people were very protective of what was theirs, and what was yours, they didn't take from you, and they didn't want to be taken from... soso this was a jewish firm that I worked at and I got in hot water because somebody was stealing from somebody else multiple times I stood up against the thief... And so I got put in the middle, and basically this is why every time I ended up being the bad guy... truly every place i'm on is I'd stand up.It's for who was right... So So one time i'm your friend the next time and your enemy.It didn't matter me... andand you look in the bible, and what's the survival say?You do something wrong cab, doesn't defend you... You made him your enemy... so you get no protection.... so if you die in committing a crime, you burn in hell....

[soliloquivm]

⸻ LEWIS TAN. HE + HIM / have you ever heard of BOTTOM OF THE RIVER by DELTA RAE, well, it describes KENJI MARTIN to a tee! the THIRTY FIVE year old, and A FIXER was spotted browsing through the stalls at portobello road market last sunday, do you know them? would you say HE is more DISHONEST or more INTELLIGENT instead? anyway, they remind me of restless nights , the sound of fists against the bag , and messy sheets of an unmade bed, maybe you’ll bump into them soon!

time in notting hill : 7 years birthplace : islington , england sexuality : bisexual relationship status : single

kenji martin if the product of an immigrant mother and british father . they lived a modest lifestyle in the borough of islington . as an only child , kenji was able to get away with most things , but his parents were somewhat overprotective in nature . he grew bored , growing up receiving an average education , he was intelligent , often surpassing the other students in his classes . this made him lazy , arrogant and oftentimes troublesome to his teachers . looking back on his history growing up , he should have predicted the kind of lifestyle he would end up in .

off to university , kenji continued to succeed , even passing the bar to get his degree in law , however , even that was not enough . he wanted to do something with himself , he wanted to explore the world , the people , and eventually do something different . this led him to open up his own private investigation business where people paid handsomely to have him solve their problems by any means , and with his understanding of the law - he was quite capable of doing so . this garnered the attention of one of the largest law firms in london .

having been approached multiple times to join their team , he would turn them down over and over again . he was quick witted , but he didn’t want to be a lawyer , until a partner reached out one final time . this partner was notorious in the city for having mob connections and he was the lawyer that would need a fixer on his side . kenji , with this new offer at hand , was swift to pick up the opportunity and buried himself in the underground world related to organized crime .

as a fixer , his job was simple and to the point . be given a problem , and fix it by any means necessary . with dirty hands , kenji excels in this position like he does anything that interests him . he works from the shadows and plays many parts , whether it be to do what he has to , to make sure witnesses don’t testify or forge alliances for the mob lawyer to use against the government in court . MORE INFORMATION ⤀ kenji appears to be a loner , however , he is intentionally personable as a way to make himself appear approachable . he is known to be manipulative to get what he wants and if there is a job that needs to get done , he will do everything in his power to complete it . ⤀ even though he grew up in a modest style , he's drifted away from that , preferring a lavish condo , expensive clothing and food , a nice car along with other amenities he'd otherwise not had while growing up . ⤀ after a day's work , his favorite thing to do is be in the kitchen , cooking . he's an avid chef of sorts , able to make an assortment of meals . ⤀ when he'd started out his private investigation business , he had plenty of regular clients , some will still come to him , and for the right price he will complete tasks given to him around the jobs often given by the lawyer . ⤀ with his new position , kenji has plenty of strong connections within parliament and other heads of companies etc .

[eatprayjop]

:/

[tricktster]

I know this is a departure from my standard content but please for the love of god if it is at all possible for you to safely do so please go see Everything Everywhere All At Once.

I haven’t felt this way about about a movie since Sorry To Bother You, like… okay, TST lore that a solid chunk of you that haven’t read any fiction I’ve written wouldn’t know: I was a film major in college, my focus was on screenwriting, and I’d go as far as to say I was pretty fucking decent at it (in the “won awards with small cash prizes” sense, not the “ever actually got a movie made” sense). I write a lot for a living now, but it’s about as far from the entertainment industry as you can get, and I’m honestly cool with that. I was never gonna make it as a screenwriter, partially because I graduated directly into the 2008 depression and there was just NO paying entry-level work and I couldn’t even afford to move to LA to do the unpaid days/restaurant biz nights routine to get my foot in the door.

But like… if I had really, REALLY wanted it, I could have made some big personal sacrifices and found a way to at least be in the physical proximity of a pathway to getting paid to write. I didn’t, because after four years of film studies, the luster of working in Hollywood had worn off entirely. I really lost my passion about 3/4 of the way through my degree, because I had to confront a wildly unpleasant reality: even though there were no real limits on what a film could theoretically be, there were still a ton of VERY real limits on the type of film that could get made.

As a woman without any name recognition or inside connections, I was already at a big disadvantage; as a woman who wanted to write maximalist action/sci-fi/comedy about protagonists who weren’t exclusively white cis men, I concluded that there wasn’t much of a point in subjecting myself to grinding for years just to get the opportunity at an unpaid internship where I could expect routine abuse, since I didn’t have a fucking shot at ever ever EVER seeing my stuff get made.

Like this was an industry that concluded audiences wouldn’t pay to see a franchise superhero movie about a woman - ANY woman - for like 20 years just because fucking Catwoman flopped. And there I was, writing feature-length original screenplays that required at least SOME sfx budget, movies where you couldn’t just swap the disabled, queer, POC protagonists out for the usual white action heroes without destroying the underlying plot. I left film school honestly resenting the time I’d wasted on an industry that would never want to make the sort of things that I wanted to make, just because some elderly and incredibly wealthy white dudes I’d never meet or speak with had decided that people wouldn’t pay to see them.

I’m sharing this with you so you understand exactly what I mean when I say that it’s imperative that you guys see this movie if it’s even remotely possible for you to do so. Other than noting that it’s a maximalist sci-fi/action/comedy starring two upper-middle aged (as far as Hollywood is concerned) actors born in Malaysia and Vietnam respectively, playing the first generation immigrant parents of a queer daughter who steals the fucking show… god, I don’t want to spoil even a second of Everything Everywhere All At Once for any of you, so I’ll just say this:

When I left the theater the other night, the first thing I said to the guy I went with was “God, it’s a good thing that movie didn’t come out when I was in high school.”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“It would have made me want to go to film school.”

[tayegi]

A note on Asian privilege

As some of you know, I live in a small, predominantly white suburban town. Last week, I went to the grocery store and stood in line waiting to check out behind this old white couple. I noticed the nice conversation the cashier was having with the couple, and figured that we might have a similar exchange. So I went up to the cashier when it was my turn with a friendly greeting, but the moment she laid eyes on me, her expression completely changed. She immediately dove for her hand sanitizer and smeared it all over before she would even touch my groceries, and didn’t respond to my greeting. And even as she bagged my groceries, she refused to make eye contact, and kept a healthy distance between us, even with the glass divider already in place. And that’s when I realized that she wasn’t just being rude-- she was terrified of me. That even though I was born and raised in the US and have not stepped foot in Wuhan China, she was scared that I might carry a deadly virus and get her sick. 

I have experienced many condescending and outright racist insults in my life, both subtle (e.g., “But where are you really from?”) and overt (e.g., “Go back to your country” and other racist slurs), but never have I ever experienced anyone reacting to me with fear before. And when I told this story to my family, they were equally as shocked. “Why would she be scared?” “But you’re so small and harmless!” I remember feeling strangely embarrassed by the encounter-- like I was the one to blame for the cashier’s fear of me. That I should apologize for the deadly coronavirus just on account of me being Asian. 

And that’s when I realized that this is exactly what Black Americans have experienced everyday for hundreds of years. 

That feeling of being seen as dangerous. Of others being afraid of you. It is gut-wrenching. And it is mind-blowing that no one in my family has experienced this until 2020 with COVID-19. This fear of Asians will pass, as COVID-19 either passes or becomes integrated into our daily lives. But the association of Blacks as dangerous criminals still continues, and will continue unless we do something about it. 

I am so beyond privileged that I can walk into a store without fear of being followed by a cashier or accused of robbery. That I can call police for help without fear of being shot or arrested instead. 

Asian Americans are called the “model minority” and some even wear this title as a badge of honor. It is not a compliment and should not be viewed as such. It’s a manipulative way to turn minority groups against each other. “Look at how much Asians have achieved. Why can’t black/Latino people be more like them?” Why? Because Asians already come from a place of immense privilege. 

We love to pat ourselves on the back and think of ourselves as hard-working underdogs who overcame the barriers of language and racism to succeed. I won’t deny that there are hardships that immigrants and other Asians face. No one is saying that you didn’t suffer!! But your sufferings are in no way comparable to what Black Americans face on a daily basis. And that’s because most Asians come from highly educated or wealthy backgrounds. Think of all the international students you know-- what’s the stereotype about them? That they’re filthy rich, huh? And why’s that? Because it’s true. Asians currently have the highest SES and are the most educated of all ethnic groups in the United States. The only Asians who are allowed to immigrate to the U.S. are usually the richest or most educated. And there aren’t negative stereotypes about dangerousness or criminal behavior around us. 

My dad was a poor grad student, and I grew up in relative poverty as a kid. I remember watching him struggle to make ends meet. But even then, we were highly privileged. Both my parents already had their bachelor’s degrees before immigrating. Do you know how rare that is? Both of them had decades of education and support that set them up for success in the United States. Sure, there was the language barrier, but they were offered free ESL classes from the university. And if all else failed, they could easily just go back to their homeland and find work there. And once my dad graduated with his graduate degree, he was instantly able to find high paying jobs that instantly launched us up to the middle class. Yes, I was poor growing up. Yes, my parents struggled. But they were highly educated, coming from privileged families, and could teach me and pass down those skills. 

The number one predictor of your future SES and income is your parents’ income. 

Let that sink in. 

It’s not hard work. It’s not intelligence. It’s what privilege you were born with that determines your success. Now imagine if you had to start all the way back with slavery. Where you were just an object and had no rights or money. The “American Dream” is just a lie rich people tell to keep poor people in their place. “If you work hard, you can achieve success.” And then they try to use Bill Gates or Zuckerberg as examples of this “American Dream.” Bullshit. Sure, Gates & Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard to pursue their dreams, but they were privileged enough to get into Harvard in the first place. And I can guarantee you that I would have never gotten into my PhD program-- wouldn’t have even dreamt of applying, if not for my family of academics. 

Asian Americans need to shake off the title of “model minority” and stand with Black Americans. We might be seen as particularly well-behaved dogs, but we’re still dogs in the system. We’ve seen how fast the American public has turned on us during the COVID pandemic. I doubt there’d be even a fraction of this xenophobia and violent hatred if the virus came from Europe. Don’t forget that Japanese Americans were imprisoned in internment camps during WWII. Not even Germans, who started the war, but the foreign-looking ones. And don’t forget that the Chinese weren’t even considered human and weren’t allowed to be U.S. citizens until less than 80 years ago. The system is no friend of ours. No matter how they try to flatter us with all this “model minority” bullshit. We are not special and we will never be seen as equals by Whites. 

Standing in solidarity with Black Lives Matter is standing for equality. It means that we will not put up with white supremacy and systemic injustices anymore. The system is broken, and I am sick and tired of seeing other Asian Americans do everything in their power to try to be perfect, unoffending citizens and appease white people in power. We have to fight for justice and equality. Not just because the tides can turn at any time and put us at harm, but simply because it is the right thing to do. And we, as a community, are in a unique position of privilege in order to make change. 

Black Lives Matter. And check your goddamn privilege. 

[superaznchick]

life update #12

hi void i am back for another free therapy session

today i wanted to talk about some things i've spent a lot of time reflecting about over the last two-ish weeks so today's content is gonna be a mish mash of different things

1)

a deep, swelling void inside of me that's been there for as long as i remember - i think i just hate people. but i love them at the same time. let me explain.

growing up i was actually very much extraverted. i was so chatty, i loved talking to people, i loved making jokes and making other people laugh. i used to yell and scream and be loud. and then, i moved to america. i was around 5-6 around the time. i didnt know the language, but i could read expressions and hear the tones - people didn't like me. i was odd, and i looked different. suddenly, i felt as if my mouth had been sewn shut. i couldn't open my mouth and make any noise without feeling like a fool. i couldn't finish assignments because i didn't know, i didn't understand anything. and this, this was the first time that i developed such an affliction for other human beings.

because do you know what kids do to people that are different and odd? kids don't have empathy. there was a wall there where true connections should have been formed. but what about the adults? who, my immigrant mom and her parents that she felt was a good idea to bring along with her? the ones that also didn't speak the language and were emotionally constipated, abusive, and trapped in their own world? another wall. my immigrant dad that couldn't get a job, couldn't secure an america visa, tried again in canada and started an affair even when he had a wife and child waiting for him? another wall.

everywhere i looked: wall. wall, wall, wall wall wall. and me - listen, to be honest at this point i don't actually truly believe anything was ever wrong with me. i mean look at me - i busted out here with 10 fingers and 10 toes, tall and sturdy. i even have some nice traits, like nice boobs! and a tenacity for life, an absolute rejection of failure kicking and screaming. i fought for my life back then. i really did.

so what happened? everywhere i looked i was rejected, shot down. i felt like a little god sometimes, looking around my house. i thought: "did anyone SEE that? look! it happened again! why is no one else seeing what i'm seeing?" i saw everything and understood everything, but it seemed like the adults couldn't see anything. i saw myself crying so hard that i would sleep and wake up with my eyes swollen. i saw myself shutting the fuck up in a room full of kids. i saw my parents screaming at each other. it seemed like no one else could see what i saw back then.

so why do i hate people now? i hate them because they cause me pain. every glance, touch, exchange of words is no longer a shower of candy on christmas morning. people are a void. would you toss your car keys into a void? how about all the money in your pocket? would you throw your jacket, your shoes, your jewelry, your hand into the void? would you throw your time and love and patience and empathy and kindness into a void? a void is a void, like a tree is a tree and a rock is a rock. and people are all, all voids.

so why do i love people? i don't know, why do you love air? like i said - i don't believe anything was ever wrong with me to begin with. i think i believed something was wrong because there was something wrong, but just not with me. i still want to be your neighbor. i still want to bake you banana bread and share it with you on your porch. i want to go to target with you and hold you when you need to be held. i was born like this, and this has never changed.

but the thing that is so hard to get other people to understand is that they are all hurting me - to an unimaginable degree. it feels like i'm losing air every minute i spend with anyone, friend coworker acquaintence whatever. i suffer so much, but i fight tooth and nail for you because i love you. i can't get to everyone. sometimes you'll leave thinking that i'm standoffish and can't hold a conversation. but for one or two of you, i can be a little more than that. i wish it could be fair, but i have to pick the ones that are more kind, empathetic, and understanding to min/max my efforts. i wish i had more room for all of you, i really do, but i don't have the capacity.

does anyone understand? i just don't want to keep living with all this guilt and shame. i'm out here begging to hang out but i'm completely shut down after like two hours. and yeah i can go to your meeting and i can do this task and i can look into this problem for you, but like ... you're on thin fucking ice buddy. no you didn't do anything wrong but i hate working with you because you clearly don't know what i'm going through right now but i still have to put on this face like everything is good and right. no hate -- but hate. you know what i mean?

2)

i can't fight that i'm growing up anymore. every time i'm confronted with my growth i cry inside because it feels like a death. it's like the child inside me is dying but i never even got a chance to be a child. it feels unfair, like why do i have to grow up now? are you telling me that that's IT? like, finally i have some money and mobility and autonomy and now you're telling me "time to hand in your keys the lease is up" like?? come ON dude.

i think that's what i've been feeling lately - a mourning. i'm mourning the death of the me that once was. and i'm genuinely really sad that she didn't live a good life. i've carried her for so long that she felt like a friend, chiming in and commenting on every major life milestone. but she doesn't belong here anymore. she's dying. and i have to let her go.

before she goes i feel like she deserves one more little celebration. i feel like i've been pretty down and negative lately, thinking about all the bad things that happened to me. maybe i would feel better if i took the time to celebrate all the brilliant things about me that survived instead of resenting the parts that were burned away. she was incredible, to be quite honest. no one knows about what she's done, the times she picked herself up and moved forward into darkness and voids. she threw everything into the void, even herself. that is a kind of courage that i don't think i could even muster up today. she did well. really well. and she deserves to rest in peace.

3)

i feel like i was born into this world thinking that true empathy grew on trees, and everyone was getting it except for me. i don't believe this is true anymore. i think some people are just less sensitive than others, and for them their cup already runneth over. but other people like me are just bottomless pits.

4)

doing things - this, living, breathing, working, hoping, wondering, wishing - makes me feel like a baby crying into the void, hoping, wishing someone would come pick me up. sometimes, no one comes. so i continue crying and hoping and wishing.

[thetriggeredhappy]

can I request sniper and scout planning a little secret symbolic wedding for themselves? its just self indulgent, since they wanna have this connection so they do a tiny intimate thing for the two of them but then all the two teams show up, ms pauling, sniper's parents and scout's family to celebrate too, and they all have a happy day

i dunno if this one will be coherent or and i dont have a joke for ya so thats where we’re at today

(no warnings)

-

He notices Scout looking at things just a little longer. Scout was a man of motion, of emotion, of elation, so seeing him pause, ever, for any length of time, was enough to pique Sniper’s interest. It had to be a big deal, of Scout was looking at it, and he prided himself on being observant.

So seeing the things he paused in front of—jewelry stores, boutiques, flower shops, at first it confused him, but then he saw what Scout was looking at in them. The flower shops had pretty arrangements right in front, labeled vaguely in some with phrases like ‘arrangements for your special day!’ and less vaguely in others as ‘wedding arrangements available’. The boutiques often with white dresses towards the front, and pictures of smiling couples nearby.

Little cards in the display of the jewelry store window proclaiming ‘engagement rings’.

It didn’t take long to piece together.

A number of issues were present. The concept of legal marriage alone was a big one. First because they were two men, one of whom was shaky in terms of immigration and two of whom were shaky in terms of being legally defined as criminals of the highest degree, potentially legally dead in some ways, and certainly smart enough to not walk into a courthouse. Besides that, the paperwork involved, the idea of getting either of their families around when Scout’s family was constantly on the wind in at least one corner and his own hardly on speaking terms with him, the heartbreak—

But Scout paused when he looked at the engagement rings.

Sniper was increasingly exasperated and helpless against the little voice in his head that seemed to watch out for Scout’s well-being, that said, well, couldn’t he at least try and figure something else out?

So it took some thinking. Some rehearsing his words in his own head. Some justifications being made, torn down, analyzed and readdressed with a clearer mind. And he came to a decision.

And when he next got the chance, he called his mum and had a talk with her about a lot of things, so many of them at least a decade and a half in the making. And she didn’t understand, not at all, not on that first phone call, not on the second. But on the third she took care to assure him that she would try, she really would, she really would, and finally gave him permission to use the old family heirloom engagement ring.

And it was subtle and sudden when Sniper proposed. Scout was sat on the steps of the camper, using Sniper’s pocket knife to pick mud out of the soles of his shoes, and Sniper took a seat next to him, plonked a pair of bottles between them. Scout leaned over to bump their shoulders together, grinning at him, and Sniper smiled too, started drinking his own.

Out clear on the horizon line, most of the clouds hadn’t quite blown far enough to obscure the sun. It would be setting soon, and then Scout would be off to eat with the rest of the team and Sniper would get to his own routine. It was a nice night, though.

Finally Scout flicked the knife closed, tucked it into his pocket best he could, reached for the bottle still sitting next to him, popped it and started drinking before it could foam over (he didn’t know how it always did that, he just had awful luck, apparently).

Sniper finished his own drink before Scout could get very far into his own. Stared out across the desert.

“You good?” Scout finally asked, picking idly at the label. “You seem, uh... I dunno. Sad, maybe. One’a those?”

“No, er... just...” Sniper tried, cleared his throat. Now Scout’s eyebrows were raised. “Nervous, is all.”

“Oh, one’a those,” Scout said, and frowned when Sniper shook his head again, drawing a hand down his face, taking a deep breath. “Is... is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Sniper nodded, took another deep breath. “Yeah. Just...”

He paused for a long few moments. Reached to fish through the pocket of his vest, held his closed fist out to Scout. Scout freed up a hand to hold a hand out, palm-up, still frowning, and pulled it back to look at the item Sniper had dropped in his palm.

Blinked. Blinked. Sniper gulped, wishing he had a drink still, something to help with how dry his mouth had gone all of a sudden, watching Scout’s expression carefully.

“Oh,” Scout whispered. Barked a laugh, like shock more than humor, the volume abrupt. “Oh.”

Sniper gulped hard again, looked away, looked back. Scout’s expression didn’t change in the time he wasn’t watching it. “You seem, er... surprised,” Sniper said carefully.

“Well, yeah, duh, yeah, I didn’t—“ Scout said all in a stumbling rush, and took a breath, and seemed to hold it. His eyes hadn’t moved from the ring since he first saw it. He blinked a few times, barked that laugh again. “I didn’t think you’d want...”

“I do,” Sniper said, voice tight, and Scout looked up at him for the first time in a while, and his eyes widened in even more surprise.

“Oh, shit,” he said quickly, seeming to finally register the nervousness, the fear, the worry, and he surged forward, hands on Sniper’s shoulders, one wrapped in half a fist around the ring. “I, yeah, yes, I, yes to the—yes! I’m—“

And then he kissed Sniper, hard, almost bruising, and it didn’t get particularly far before it was broken by another huff of air against Sniper’s lips, and when he pulled back Scout’s grin was a little weak.

“Just never thought you’d ask me, not in a million years,” he admitted.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to cry,” Sniper teased, entire body awash with a sense of relief.

“Oh, fuck off, you’re the one with the watery eyes here,” Scout scoffed, and kissed him again.

And they both made sure to note that they knew there were more conversations to be had, but those could wait until both of them had a clearer head again, which took damn near a week and a half, both so much more giddy than they’d expected to be, then another week when Sniper next saw the ring, hung on a little chain usually tucked beneath Scout’s shirt, worn around his neck apparently since the day he got it.

He liked the word fiancée more than he’d expected to, and he’d expected to like it a lot, and even then, Scout seemed to like it even more.

And Scout admitted half his surprise up front had been because he himself had no real idea how this was going to work, it was just that the idea of being married made him really really happy. He liked weddings, loved weddings, loved the idea of... of settling into something. That really, marriage was the only kind of settling down that he’d ever liked the idea of. And even if it was just... just something quiet, just the two of them, that was fine by him.

And Sniper had nodded, and there had been a pause, but then suddenly Scout spoke up again with a ‘but, I mean, my Ma is always going on about wanting to see me get married, so I kinda have to invite her to whatever we do’.

That was a good start for the plans they had. No particular pressure on it, really, considering they decided not to tell anyone at first. Sniper started trying to figure out where might be a good place to hold... something, maybe not a whole ceremony, but something. Scout started trying to figure out where to get a suit, and where Sniper could get his own tailored, but they weren’t in a rush, and a few months passed without making much progress at all, nothing even feeling like it had changed except that now Sniper would catch Scout fidgeting with the chain he kept the ring on and grinning.

The first real change came when someone else noticed too.

Pyro, stood in-between matches and pointing at the chain around Scout’s neck as he switched into a less charred shirt and mumbling a question, made Scout stammer. Scout stammering made most of the team turn to look. Then more of them saw the chain there, saw the ring there, and some of the more perceptive ones pieced together a few things rather quickly. It was Demo who first said something, outright asking ‘is that an engagement ring?’.

A beat of silence where all were frozen, then the voice over the intercom rang out telling them they had ten seconds until battle, and Scout was off like a shot towards the gate.

In his absence, eyes turned to Sniper instead, who proved to be even less helpful in that he stuttered his way through all ten of those seconds and the team had no choice but to follow Scout’s lead and leave it for later.

Sniper was hoping that he’d be able to escape the team’s questions after battle if he could make it through the Resupply room before everyone else did. But he realized very quickly that would also mean throwing Scout to the proverbial wolves, and besides that, he couldn’t run from this forever. So instead he kicked around the Resupply for a few minutes waiting for the team to come back from chasing down the other team in the humiliation round, and wasn’t entirely surprised when Scout was one of the first back, expression tight with nerves up until the exact moment that Demo and Soldier came wandering in, elbowing at each other and chatting at well above speaking volume.

Neither of them, apparently, had much to say, besides Demo clapping Sniper hard on the shoulder and proclaiming that it took them long enough, and Soldier brushing off their ‘fraternizing nonsense’ in favor of continuing his argument with Demo. Pyro was in the room next, talking and gesturing enthusiastically, and while Scout was trying to translate to Sniper the Engineer came in and shoo’d Pyro along, telling them to mind their business, albiet with what Sniper would almost refer to as a proud smile aimed in Scout’s direction. Medic and Heavy were in the room next, and all that Heavy seemed to be confused about was the legality surrounding marriage between anyone besides a man and a woman in the United States, with Medic attempting to explain but also largely clueless to the actual logistics of the thing. Spy only stuck around long enough to quip that it was a little ridiculous for any of them to worry about legality of all things, which Sniper wasn’t entirely sure how to interpret.

Demo, across the room, in the middle of trying to unstick his jacket from himself with all the mud coating one side of it, quipped that he’d better be invited, and asked what he had to do to get the best man position. From there, a series of what Sniper interpreted as mostly jokes followed, the team chiming in about their attendance, including a number of them laughing that they weren’t exactly allowed in any churches and Pyro insisting that they wanted to be the one throwing the flowers (and no they would not in fact set any on fire) and Heavy saying that if they couldn’t find a good glass to stomp on then Medic had plenty of spare beakers that he wasn’t using for anything, much to the doctor’s protest.

This became the team running joke for a while, was everyone constantly bringing up the wedding. When Spy stomped into the room fuming because of another perfectly good shirt ruined by the base’s washing machine, the Engineer quipped that oh no, what would he wear to the wedding now? When Soldier got into an argument with Pyro, Demo referred to it as a spat between groomsmen. When Sniper was acting particularly cranky one day (not his fault, the base’s coffee machine was awful and they really needed to replace it one of these days), Spy muttered into his tea that it was a shame Scout had to put up with such a bridezilla, a joke Medic chortled about well into the afternoon.

It might have gotten out of hand around the time that poor Pauling had to hear about it, just trying her best to oversee delivering a set of brand new weapons and explaining their assorted bells and whistles, accosted through her entire explanation by jokes that this was a bit extravagant for a wedding gift, that hopefully she’d at least get time off to attend the reception, that competition for maid of honor wasn’t exactly steep but she’d probably be winning anyways, until finally she snapped that if Sniper and Scout were actually going to get married then they needed to note that on their upcoming contract renewals but to otherwise stop talking to her about it so damn much.

This, Scout said, is when he started feeling bad for not talking to his Ma about it yet. Miss Pauling knowing he was getting married before his own mother felt wrong, he said, and so he spent the afternoon steeling himself to make the phone call.

From the combination of relief and vague dismay on Scout’s face when he came back, Sniper could tell something was up, and it was with a number of pauses in the middle of speaking that Scout explained that he’d barely gotten through the news before Ma had started calling over various brothers to tell them the news too, each taking a turn on the phone to get halfway through some kind of third degree that they needed to pass along to Sniper before actually congratulating him, each asking when they’d need to get down there for the wedding in turn. Apparently he’d accidentally called when some of his brothers were over for dinner, and so he explained to Sniper that word was as good as out, because as much as he loved his brothers, not a single one of them could keep their mouths shut to each other.

And so they both sat down with a calendar and had to pick an actual date for a wedding.

Altogether, the date they picked was a little over a year since Sniper proposed, which felt appropriate, and only a few months from then, just long enough for Scout’s brothers to get time off of work. They decided against a whole entire proper ceremony with a priest and vows and all, mostly because legality being an issue, they didn’t have much a reason to stick to tradition. A few things would end up sticking, though. They’d have seating, because Sniper’s mum wasn’t up for standing around for long periods of time anymore and one of Scout’s brothers had that bad leg and cane from his time in the army. They’d dress up for it, because Scout was truly looking forward to that part, to looking nice on the actual day. Vows weren’t necessarily going to be on-script, but they’d both take a moment to say something to each other, and there would be a kiss, and then they’d have a bit of time set aside for if either of their families brought up any traditions they truly wanted to do. And, of course, there’d be some kind of party afterwards, because they both knew that the team would make there be a party afterwards either way.

What they didn’t expect was how quickly the team jumped to help as soon as they mentioned they’d set an actual date in stone to some degree. The Engineer was quick to offer to help with setting up chairs and tables, carting things around if they needed it, having a truck and all. Soldier was happy to offer suggestions for if they wanted catering, having eaten at and subsequently been banned from every eatery in the county, and Pyro started baking at an until then unprecedented clip as they tried to find the exact right recipe for a good wedding cake because they had to have a wedding cake and it had to be perfect. Heavy, to his credit, pointed out a few logistical issues with having the wedding, namely that it couldn’t be anywhere on the base and that they weren’t allowed in the town of Teufort, and Demo was so kind as to offer up his own house and property, given that it had so much space and he knew his mother wouldn’t mind it and besides that, it was a very pretty place.

And then Spy found in the mail the magazines Sniper was looking through when trying to pick out something suit-adjacent, and he could tell Spy was gearing up to really lay into him about it before Sniper pointed out that Spy should really just stop snooping through other people’s mail, and by the next day he found a pair of order forms in his camper on the table, almost entirely filled out except for a few of the fields regarding things like the color of the suits and payment information.

And then he and Scout were trying on suits, and figuring out which hotels were close enough for Scout and Sniper’s families to stay in, and looking at flowers, and figuring out how many days they should schedule off of work and whether the team would be doing the same—

—and then it was the week before, and one night Sniper found himself standing in the camper with Scout, late at night, half-exhausted and stressed out and more terrified than he’d expected to be, arms tight around Scout’s waist. And Scout held on just as tight, and inhaled, and exhaled, shifting with that breath in Sniper’s grip. And Sniper found himself breathing out apologies, so quiet they didn’t quite catch against the grit in his voice, for causing such a fuss about all this, for things getting so out of hand. And Scout had laughed, had squeezed him tight in arms usually used for hurting people to instead give him so much comfort in that moment, and said that he wouldn’t want it any other way. Anything else and it wouldn’t exactly feel like them.

And the two days before the wedding stretched out infinitely, a mix of terror and impatience lacing his every move, and then the day of the wedding itself felt like it took no time at all.

The sun didn’t quite beat down upon them, a blessing even with them wearing simple vests as opposed to full suits, a scattering of cloud cover making the heat bearable and throwing the sunshine out away from them. And the grass around the DeGroot residence was slippery in the morning, slick under their shoes, and Sniper watched nervously across towards his mum and dad as his dad squinted suspiciously around at things and his mum patted him consolingly about only god knew what. And one of Scout’s brothers had brought a camera and was dashing around taking pictures, and most of the team had managed to dig up assorted formal wear, and the Engineer bustled trying to make sure everything was set up just right as Soldier helped Pyro with carrying the frankly ludicrous cake towards the table somewhere. And on one side was Scout’s family, all rowdy, and on the other was the team, even rowdier, his parents squashed between and being vaguely protected from the team by the more generally responsible ones (namely Heavy, who Sniper’s father clearly approved of in some way for being so imposing, and Spy, who Sniper’s mother approved of on the basis of him being entirely polite). And Miss Pauling was there much to Sniper’s surprise, claiming that she was meant to oversee off-base activities (although he suspected she just wanted the time off and was glad to watch the final nail go into the coffin of Scout’s long-gone infatuation with her). And Medic was so kind as to let Sniper know the other team had left a present at the base for them that morning—assuring him, at his alarmed look, that it was merely a prank dummy bomb set to tick as loudly as possible within the packaging, and a note thanking them for the free time off. That was as much a relief as the cloud cover.

And then the ceremony itself happened, so long before Sniper was ready, as if he could ever truly be ready. And he’d seen Scout’s vest already, but not worn, not standing across from him with a glitter in his eyes and a watery smile and hands fidgeting nervously with grip tape that wasn’t there, face red. And Sniper’s hands were sweaty and clammy, and his voice cracked from the very first word of what he had been rehearsing in his head over and over since he proposed, but the way Scout’s expression shone with pride and love had made so much of that nervousness disappear, and he couldn’t find it in him to be nervous, to worry about the team.

He didn’t have it written down, felt that note cards would make this feel stiff, and he wasn’t all that good at writing down his thoughts regardless. But Scout was sniffling by the end of it, and his own voice had gone rough as he just barely kept it together, so he at least knew he was doing something right. 
And Scout didn’t have anything written down either, and when his turn to speak came, there were a few long moments where Sniper worried he’d blanked, forgotten what he wanted to say. But Scout got there, voice surprisingly steady, surprisingly level. And he didn’t remember all of it, but he remembered some in the middle.

“I still can’t believe you love me, that you wanna stay with me for as long as we can, that you trust me and care about me,” Scout said, “but I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try so hard, and I’m gonna do whatever I gotta do to make sure you know I love you too, every single day, and to earn it. I promise. That’s what this is, is me promising. I promise.” 
And that’s when Sniper broke, the first tears falling, needing to wipe at his face gingerly with his sleeve and accompanied by a general ‘aww’ and chuckles from the crowd of loved ones gathered there, and Scout smiled all the wider.

And Sniper did end up stomping on a glass (not one of Medic’s beakers), and both of them were all but showered in assorted confetti by the family they’d somehow gathered over the years, and there was eating, and dancing, and drinking, and dancing, and by the time the sun started to set down beyond the horizon line he found himself stood there with Scout in the middle of it all, kissing him over, and over, and over again, each and every one a promise that he very much intended to keep, come what may.

“I love you,” he said, again, again, and Scout never once stopped smiling.

[emersonfreepress]

okay so is there content that you had planned for the ROs and story in general but then scrapped cause there wasn’t a good place in the story to stick it in? and if so, can you share what it was? 👀 👀 👀

yes, definitely. *rubs hands together* oh man, you done asked THE question today xD I can't wait to get into this 😁

Academics. I almost decided to have classes and grades be a minor part of gameplay, but the more time I spent designing it the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with it 😂 I haven’t really enjoyed academic gameplay in other interactive fiction because I 1) hate having to choose between studying and interacting with awesome characters, 2) have terrible short term memory, and 3) hate school in general!! So instead I just opted to have the MC be really good at school, point blank period so I could focus on social drama and relationships instead! 😆

Physical skills. I spent literal months crafting the catering scene around setting up stats for stamina/endurance, dexterity, and strength instead of just magnetism, confidence, and persuasion. They had their own backstories with the MC’s parents being overly invested sports parents instead and I think the background choices were like... martial arts, gymnastics, and track? But yeah, I ended up scrapping it all because I was spending hours on research about those individual sports so I could integrate them into the MC’s narrative organically but like... when I tried to think of what use they would be in the actual story, I came up blank. Best decision yet, esp since it means a lot less coding!

Skin tone customization. For one, I noticed that a lot of my favorite IFs don’t offer that customization and it hasn’t impacted my experience at all. For two, I originally realized I might as well not implement it since I am striving real hard not to introduce any customization that won’t actually be mentioned in interesting or meaningful ways in-story. I don’t think it’s really all that common for real life friends (esp in high school?) to comment or compliment each other’s skin and like... when it comes from someone who doesn’t share a similar complexion or ethnic background, that type of commentary gets... d i c e y. So then I wanted to be sensitive to that but what’s the pay-off? An RO mentioning how they love your skin tone once? Awkward sentences with the MC referring to their own skin color? Idk, just wasn’t vibing with it. I’m open to revisiting it in beta or something but for now it’s scrapped.

Singing, Rapping, and Gaming as Hobbies/Talents. I feel bad about scrapping these, honestly 😂 They’re great and I really wanted to incorporate them but it just came down to already having a lot of stuff to code. Plus, I know I can write the Hobbies/Talents I stuck with far better. And for Book 2 purposes, as well!

Leo. as @sourandflightypeaches ​​ asked me about a long while ago, I had to scrap an entire RO 😢 His name is Leo, he was the nephew of wealthy west African diplomats residing in Emerson, and I love him dearly! His backstory was largely based on my mother’s childhood and the circumstances she lived through after immigrating to America. and... ok, i’m about to go on one hell of a tangent so buckle up and bear with me if you can 😅

my intention with this story, aside from writing things that I personally enjoy (graphic violence, spooky woods, social drama, romance, conspiracies 😚), is to explore greed, wealth, and how the ways people and families interact with those two things influence young people and who they grow up to be. here i go sounding pretentious af 😝 and here’s where I apply a cut for those who want to preserve a little mystery to the main characters!

With Gabe, we’ve got someone who grew up with very little stability or financial security but who has found unscrupulous methods to gain status and money, with both noble and selfish motivations.

Kile has some of that childhood experience in common with Gabe, having been in the foster care system since infancy, but they lucked out when they were adopted into massive wealth by a caring, loving couple—a couple that uses their wealth and privilege to be far more lenient and protective of Kile than is actually reasonable or responsible.

Jack comes from a prestigious wealthy family on his dad’s side who he loves dearly but there’s no getting around the fact that they love him back as much as they despise his working class mom.

Jessie is a spoiled sweet heiress (being the baby of her family and the only girl) and while she lives blissfully ignorant of the harmful source and impact of her father's income and career, she bears the weight of the expectation to fulfill very traditional gender roles, including her behavior and appearance, but also extending to her career and life plans.

Rain's wealth led to them growing up sheltered and isolated but also extremely accommodated, giving them maximum freedom and opportunity to discover and develop their personal talents and interests. However, they have almost no positive relationship with their parents who have essentially decided to give up on a kid that couldn't be exactly the accessory they tried to mold them to be—both in terms of their identity and personality.

Rupan/Rohan, at their very core, rejects everything about conformity, self-importance, and excessive luxury—which means they have never, ever truly fit in with their peers. Going full non-conformist, however, has resulted in them becoming alienated from much of their family, as well, despite them all loving each other very much. Their history with false friends and betrayals has led them to over-indulge in their vices and reckless behavior to compensate for that isolation. Sometimes, they just get in over their head and many times, they know better. Every time, it's just that the feeling of finally belonging is utterly intoxicating.

Vivian/Vincent has two extremely successful parents who didn't inherit but instead built up their wealth and they aspire to be just like them, to a degree that is well and truly unhealthy. Their mother specifically is an over-achiever and applies mountainous pressure for them to follow in her footsteps, especially academically. Vi is completely capable of achieving what their mom expects of them, but they were already an extremely sensitive perfectionist so this has made them intensely critical of themself. This is a large part of why they are such a rigid, no-nonsense person and that in turn has made them one of the most disliked people among their peers—which is a huge personal failure to them since their father is a very well-liked and socially successful person in town.

And the Emersons are peak privilege: inherent high social status, brains, looks, charisma, athleticism, and massive wealth. They could never have been anything less than extremely popular, just by virtue of their last name and the nature of the town's social dynamics and politics. And they do enjoy that privilege (esp Curt lol). However, it should go without saying that being so high profile, even (or maybe especially) just in the isolated scope of your hometown, isn't always a boon. Their family's and their own perceived failings are widely discussed and privately mocked and/or celebrated. Real friends are scarce while fake ones and snakes are plentiful. Plus their dad is a gigantic dickhead who sees his kids as extensions of his own status and reputation and not much else. Public shortcomings make for an unbearable time at home and the world outside the estate is at once overly accommodating, full of assumptions, and even subtly hostile at times—all unrelated to their own actions or character.

And with the MC, I think the narrative will make it clear there are several ways that story can go. You start off with irresponsible parents that have lost their wealth due to their own mismanagement and material ambitions—how that affects any individual MC should differ based on choices and consequences!

So why bring any of that up when I was supposed to be talking about my cut OC? 😂😂

Leo was going to be the unwelcome recent addition to his uncle’s household, the son of a brother his aunt hates for (petty af) Reasons, and she took that resentment out on him directly by restricting his access to nearly every aspect of the family's wealth. Especially material goods and living conditions. He was basically treated like the help, tasked with playing nanny for his many younger cousins and burdened with doing the homework and providing academic cover for his dumb as rocks cousin in the same grade as you all. To sum it up, he was basically a victim of trafficking at the hands of his own family with his uncle out of town enough to feign ignorance to how bad his wife was treating his nephew and his aunt going out of her way to keep him busy, at home, and isolated. This is sadly a super common form of trafficking in Francophone African cultures (although I don't think most people view it as trafficking. and I’m sure the same is true of other cultures but I don’t want to speak outside of my purview). And like I mentioned above, it’s how my own mom's (and idek how many cousins') child/teenhood went.

It’s a perspective on modern wealth, privilege and greed that I really, really wanted to tell. I am confident in saying it hasn't been explored in interactive fiction yet (though correct me—and direct me 👀—if I'm wrong) and out of all the wealth/greed explorations I came up with, it's the one I have the closest personal ties to and the strongest feelings about. The characters and plans I had for it were detailed and I'm proud of them but at the end of the day... I just couldn't find a place for Leo in the story at large.

Leo was, in fact, the last main character I came up with, when I had already designed and fleshed out the larger story and started crafting the timeline of major events. I think the worst thing I could have done for a story and perspective that I care about this much is shove it into a plot that didn't have room for it at the very base level, regardless of how well the character or his story is written. Shoe-horned characters always stick out. I didn’t want to disservice Leo by having him be the character that did nothing or could be removed from the main plot without affecting it at all, y’know? That’s so much worse than just forgoing the indulgence, imo :((

ugh.... Leooooo 😭 I'm so sorry bb, I failed youuu 😥

[papcrplancs]

( Leah Lewis, 24, Cis Woman, She/Her ) * hey, i’m looking for the office of Kimora Li. they’re the Personal Trainer who’s known around the office as The Traveler, if that helps ? not to be a gossip, but i’ve heard that they’re Free-Spirited but Reactive, is that true ? i also heard that they’re the one who used her sick time to ride her Motorcycle down the coast. anyways, here’s the coffee they ordered.

oops, look who decided to pick up another muse ajfkajfk. this is Kimora, aka Kim. she’s a personal trainer for all your muses fitness needs! like this if you want to plot, and i will come find you! probably over discord unless you are not on there.

FACTS

Name: Kimora Li

Nickname(s): Kim, Kimmy

Age: 24

DOB: December 9th, 1996

Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius

Label: The Traveler

Sexuality: Pansexual

Hometown: Camden, Maine

APPEARANCE

Height: 5’5

Hair Color: Black

Eye Color: Brown

Ethnicity: East Asian (Chinese)

Aesthetic: Black, White, Muted tones, Motorcycles, Dive Bars, Pintrest board can be found here.

BACKGROUND

Career: Personal Trainer

Education: High School Diploma, National Personal Training Certification, Associates Degree in Exercise Science

Traits: Free-Spirited, Bold, Brave, Intelligent, Empathetic, Reactive, Short-Tempered, Closed-off

Kim’s Mother immigrated from Shanghai to marry her Father, having her only a year into their marriage

Kim grew up excelling in sports, falling in love with physical activity. She did everything from Soccer to Gymnastics, championing in every single one

Her parents were very supportive, showing up to every game or match, cheering her on, and their relationship was always very strong

A month after graduation, Kim left home, and fell in love with traveling. She found her way all around the North East, trying every new food or activity that she stumbled across. Her love of adventure and travel still exists to this day.

Not long after leaving home she met a girl, and fell hard. She was everything Kim dreamed her to be; kind, compassionate, strong. Plus, she rode a motorcycle which was just a bonus

They dated for 3 years, traveling up and down the East Coast, Kim even learning to ride a bike herself along the way. The two of them joined a Biker Club together, finding solace in like minded people who loved to travel the country

When a member of their biker club tragically died in an accident, Kim broke down. She turned to substances to deal with the grief, pushing away her now Ex-Girlfriend who, rightfully, wasn’t ready to put up with that

The breakup set Kim straight… for the most part. She won’t do anything hard, but she still has a beer and smokes a joint if it’s offered

She left the club not long after the break-up, deciding it was best to be solo for a while. She moved back up to Maine, getting a small one bedroom apartment, and working towards her Personal Trainer certification.

She loves the job, because she can make her own schedule, giving her the freedom to travel whenever she wants. Plus, she gets to stay active which, even now, is so important to her

Not long after getting her degree, she got a job at Masters. She’s a personal trainer specifically there for Rolfe and the Actors, but she’ll train anybody in the building if they’re willing to pay her— she’s only on salary for the Actors

HEADCANONS

Kim tore her meniscus in her left knee. The doctors weren’t convinced she’d be able to go back to Gymnastics, but she did and won her division

Kim has a sleeve tattoo on her right arm that she added to, slowly, for every state she visited

She’s visited every state except Hawaii and Alaska, because most of her travel is done on the back of her bike, and it’s harder to get to those

She wants to travel out of the country at some point, specifically to visit China for the first time

She 100% did use her sick time to ride her bike along the coast. And she’s do it again, bitch. She got bored

She keeps her Bike stored even though it’s expensive as hell, because it’s her baby. It’s a Harley Davidson and that is all i’ve got cause i have to research motorcycles more

She will take you on a ride on her bike if she likes you.

She runs a fitness Instagram that’s pretty popular, and that’s partially how Masters noticed her in the first place

She ain’t here for that toxic fitness BS. if you’re in the gym with her, you’re there to get STRONG. No talk of “weight loss” or “getting skinny” we only gET GAINS IN THIS HOUSE

She’s worked at Masters for about 2 years now, so assumed connections/friendships are welcome!

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Trainees (open to any, multiples welcome): Do you wanna work out with Kim? (And test me on my fitness knowledge that i’ve gained in the last year?) You can!!! Whether your character is someone she’s on salary to train, or pays her privately, she’ll work with you

Work Friends (open to any, multiples welcome): Maybe they just see each other at work, occasionally chat in the elevator, and are friendly around the office!

Friends (open to any, multiples welcome): the kind of friends that go to happy hour together, and hang out more outside of work

Best Friend (open to any): Hears all of Kim’s problems, hang out constantly, a confidant of sorts, and are thick of thieves. She’s probably forced them to go to the gym at least once— up to you whether or not they hated it

Roommate (open to any): New York City ain’t cheap. Split that rent for your little shoebox!

Work Enemy/Enemy (open to any): We can flush out the why, but maybe these two just… do not like each other. Two very spirited people tend to struggle to get along!

Ex (open to any women indentifying character, but i’m flexible): this is incredibly niche, but if you want to be her biker ex girlfriend? By all means.

FWB (open to any): It gets lonely out here. nothing like another person to keep you company

[kuramirocket]

In the grand cosmos of her life's journey, Ali Guarneros Luna discovered early on, the path to the stars is not a straight shot - but a winding course that sometimes skirts peril and disappointment.

As an engineer at NASA, Luna knows what's involved in navigating space. Her engineering fingerprints are all over numerous satellites currently orbiting the earth. And as project manager for NASA's Small Satellite Program she's worked on projects aimed at deepening understanding of what lies beyond. But her trajectory was definitely not a direct line.

"I was born in Mexico. My mother was born there. Being an immigrant in this country," Luna said, "having a harsh beginning, being a woman, it’s difficult, right?"

Luna's passion for space travel touched-off when she was seven-years-old living in her native Mexico City.

Unlike others who gaze up at the stars contemplating the meaning of the universe, Luna wondered about the machines that would make the trip possible.

"I was just so captivated at seven -- that I was like 'I want to do that!'" Luna recalled. "That’s exactly what I want to do and at that age I was like, 'I’m going to be an aerospace engineer.' My upbringing was different, I want to say, from most girls because I was never told that I had to fit certain roles. I guess it was because I was the oldest one of four. I had to step up. And the two youngest ones were boys. And I was a hyperactive child. So I never had that actually being a situation where I felt that I was not good enough in math or science. Because I had to be the boss. So it just happens that in that environment, even though I was only one of two girls within a bunch of young kids, mostly boys, I was doing what I wanted to do. And it was very exciting. So I never really had that. So with me going into aerospace engineering, I think it was an easy thing.”

After the 1985 Earthquake in Mexico City, her life changed. Ali and her mother immigrated to California and settled in San Jose, CA. With only two pieces of luggage, they left everything behind, especially close friends and family.

During the anti-immigration efforts like California Proposition 187 in 1994, school was the only thing Ali was allowed to do as her mother feared deportation. Her new schedule was limited to traveling from home to school and back, with no room to do the sports she loved. So school became her outlet — it became a safe place for her to grow up, where she could continue to learn and grow.

“So within six months of working full-time, my mother lost her job. So I became the one that supported the whole family. And I did it for about five years. It was tough because being so young and understand that my mother needed my support. And my brothers, being they were looking up to me -- it's something that's heavy when you're so young. You don't understand. But when I was growing up, I always moved on the opportunities that presented in front of me, and I did what I needed to do without looking back.”

Despite being a single mom, Ali’s mother worked hard to make sure Ali had every opportunity growing up. Ali was very athletic and participated in many sports and gymnastics, track being her favorite. When she wasn’t playing sports, she was reading the encyclopedias that her mother bought for her.

“My mother loved encyclopedias. My mother had so many. I would just sit in the living room reading about space shuttles after school because I really wanted to understand what they did.”

On the cusp of adulthood, she graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. Although she loved school, she wanted to support her mother and her family. She attempted to go to community college while working full time, but the emotional stress was overwhelming and she dropped out. In the next few years, she had four children, with two who had special needs. While caring for her children at home and researching their disabilities, she realized that she needed to go back to school.

“I saw my kids who were born with special needs, and I asked myself ‘How I can help them?’… it was clear to me that I needed to go back to school. I wanted to give them a stable life.”

Back-to-school, together. After her youngest child enrolled in kindergarten, Ali enrolled at San Jose City College and transferred to San Jose State University majoring in Aerospace Engineering. In this transition from stay-at-home mom to full-time student, she became a single parent. She was a full-time student while being a full-time mom, taking care of four children. 

"I was too old, I was not as young as any of the students, and I definitely was not in that mold of students," said Guarneros Luna. "I had four children. I didn't think of myself as someone who was going to contribute something special."

“I went and applied for an internship without thinking that I was ever going to come and work for NASA. I did have a bachelor's degree, but I was old. I was not a young person. The internship was only going to be for three months.  Because of the internship I have to leave one job and then be here. I knew it was only for three months, but the opportunity was too much to pass up. And then I became a contractor. And then it was important to apply for a civil servant. And I became a civil servant. ”

Ali has managed ten interns, introducing them to aerospace engineering through several projects including building three satellites and researching the design for return capsules for the International Space Station. Commercializing ISS has been a difficult problem for NASA and the process to ship products back and forth from the space station has to go through large space vehicles like Falcon, which takes three to six months. Space is limited on these vehicles and launching them gets very expensive. She and her team are paving the way to redesign return capsules with small payload returns so that astronauts can get the products they need for experiments in three business days rather than months later, allowing for more research to be done more efficiently.

Here is a part of the conversation with Ali Guarneros Luna, NASA Engineer and Deputy Project Manager at NASA’s Ames Research Center in Silicon Valley:

Host: When you became a civil servant you were working on some safety aspects?

Ali Guarneros Luna: Yeah. Safety mission assurance. So when I started for this small set of projected, specifically the TechEdSat, you're going through the space station. And you're dealing with humans inside. So everything you put inside the space station, you have to be careful of what you put in there and understand what are the consequences if something goes wrong.

So I was one of the group of engineers who started that process and started learning and setting it up for the following satellites that are going to be deployed from the space station. So I ended up doing all the safety data package, which is like documentation about your hardware that you put into space where you analyze all the hazards that you present to the space station or to the astronauts and then how are you going to control them and how are you going to verify them. So I was doing that. I became so good that I ended up doing every single one from the one first one to now, right?

Host: You do it right once, then they keep coming back.

Ali Guarneros Luna: Yes.

Host: This is my job now.

Ali Guarneros Luna: Yes. I was an engineer. I was part of the engineer group like two years ago. But there was an opening in safety mission assurance. Just for me to learn, I just say, "Why not? Let me go in there." So when you're an engineer and you go to school, nobody teaches you anything about that. You learn it on the job.

Despite her unique circumstances, Ali believes the challenges she experienced guided her to make the right decisions for her future. “I am resilient, if there’s a problem, there’s more than one solution”, she states, “To overcome difficult decisions, you need to plan for them…educate yourself so that you have the tools to make a plan of action.”

Every summer, Guarneros Luna gives back to her community. She goes back to San Jose State as a professor. "It's important for them to hear from somebody who did not come from a privileged background and did not come from parents that were educated," she said. "In my mind, I have that 'semillita' of education, that I wanted to get educated. A seed planted in me to go and get an education early on." The next time you look up and think your dreams like the moon are too far to reach, Guarneros Luna wants you to remember: 238,000 miles is actually closer than you think.

As an aerospace engineer, Ali is an advocate and actively promotes Science, Technology, Engineering and Math (STEM) education. She is registered with the NASA Ames Speakers Bureau and is an active participant of this program. Ali also supports yearly programs like, Girls Scouts Go Tech, SWE Get Set, Soles Science Extravaganza, Society of Women Engineers (SWE) “WOW that is Engineering”, Society of Hispanic Professional Engineers (SHPE )“Noche de Ciencia” by providing hands-on activities and tours of the labs at SJSU. In 2012, Ali had contact with the Mexican university,, Universidad Autonoma de Baja California, UABC. She hosted a 6-week workshop at SJSU for the UABC students to build and launch an armature rocket. The success of this project was greatly broadcast in Mexico and as a result the Agencia Espacial Mexican, AEM, is interested in organizing a similar program but with the involvement of more universities.

Ali is committed to encouraging young people to pursue science, technology and engineering careers. In recognition of her achievements, the Hispanic Engineering National Achievement Awards Conference (HENAAC) named Ali Guarneros Luna as one of the 2013 Luminary Honorees. In October 2015, Ali was awarded the NASA Honor Award - Equal Employment Opportunity Medal., She also received the ISS Space Award in 2014 for her contributions to SPHERES, Modular Rapidly Manufactured Small Satellite (MRMSS), Nodes and TechEdSat Series Projects:

SPHERES: For dedication and exceptional performance in the development and operations of free flying robotic satellites inside the ISS testing autonomous satellite maneuvers.

MRMSS: For dedication and exceptional performance in research and development of modular design and manufacturing processes for spacecraft systems.

Nodes: For dedication and exceptional performance in two nanosatellites that will be deployed from ISS to demonstrate networking and advanced multi-spacecraft operations

TechEdSat Series: For exceptional performance and dedication in the development, test, launch, ISS deployment, and operation of the TechEdSat Nanosatellite spaceflight mission; launching the first NASA CubeSat from the ISS. TechEdSat-3p: For exceptional performance and dedication in the development, test, launch, ISS deployment, and operation of the TechEdSat-3p Nanosatellite “Exo-Brake” spaceflight mission; launching the first 3u NASA CubeSat from the ISS.

Ali Guarneros Luna currently works with the Office of System Safety & Mission Assurance (SS&MA) at NASA Ames Research Center. Prior to her work in the SS&MA, Ali worked in Ames’ Engineering Directorate as a technical authority for small satellite development and payloads bound for the International Space Station (ISS). In the Synchronized Position Hold, Engage, Reorient, Experimental Satellites (SPHERES) National Lab, she worked as the system and safety engineer. In the Edison Program, Ali served as the system engineering, mission and ground operations, and launch vehicle service expert for multiple CubeSat projects including the Technological and Educational Nanosatellite (TechEdSat). Ali functioned as the Deputy Project Manager, ISS expert, and launch vehicle interface for the Small Spacecraft Technology (SST) program’s Nodes project. In the Sub-Orbital Aerodynamic Re-entry EXperiments (SOAREX) Series of suborbital experiments, Ali has performed in multiple engineering roles to include design, building and testing engineer. Ali is currently the deputy project manager and co-investigator for the SOAREX 9 and SOAREX 10 missions.

She received her Bachelor of Science and Master of Science degrees in Aerospace Engineering from San Jose State University (SJSU) in 2010 and 2013, respectively. Upon completion of her undergraduate degree, Ali obtained an internship at NASA Ames with the Office of the Chief Technologist. During her time as an intern, she led and helped develop education and outreach programs for SJSU. The first program was called System of Networked Autonomous Positioning Satellites (SNAPS) followed by the TechEdSat Series. As a professional engineer, Ali has lead various projects affiliated with the ISS.

During her internship at NASA Ames, Ali supported the SNAPS project, which is an evolution of the SPHERES program which aims to demonstrate the practical applications of a network of autonomous probes. SNAPS was a test bed for guidance, navigation, and control (GNC) capabilities to enable probes to navigate without human interference or the need for external control.

As a professional engineer, Ali was mission manager for TechEdSat-1. In this capacity, Ali had managerial and oversight on all technical and programmatic aspects of the NASA Ames- SJSU project. In particular, Ali provided technical contributions to both speed the development and avoid ISS define hazard that could stop the mission, through innovative design, lab testing, and qualification methods for the TechEdSat flight hardware. She also developed and engineered the Auxiliary Lateral Inhibit (ALI) Switch for safety deployment from the ISS. Ali has co-authored technical papers for the TechEdSat structure and payload including the project plan and Safety Data Package, among others. 
Her efforts enabled the project to successfully meet both ISS program and Ames Engineering Requirements. Developed, built, tested and certified for flight to the ISS in only 9 months, TechEdSat-1 was the first American CubeSat deployed from the ISS as well as being one of the first CubeSats deployed from the Station overall. TechEdSat-1 completed a life cycle with over 1000 beacon packets and 208 days of service. The TechEdSat-1 deorbited May 5th, 2013.

As a result of TechEdSat-1’s enormous success, an opportunity was presented to develop, build, test and certify TechEdSat-3P which ultimately launched to the ISS in 2013. For this mission, Ali served as a mentor to the other students and engineers as well as performed the role of safety engineer. For TechEdSat-4, launched in 2015, Ali was a radio frequency, safety and system engineer.  Currently Ali is working on TES-5 as the quality and system engineer.

Ali is the deputy project manager, liaison and lead for ISS requirements for the Network and Operation Demonstration Satellites (Nodes) mission.  This mission was deployed from the ISS in May 16th, 2016.

Developing new technology, Ali currently works with the SOAREX Series team. SOAREXserves as a test bed for a variety of re-entry and supporting technologies for use in automous sample return and other applications. Within the SOAREX team, Ali has multiple engineering roles from designing, building and serving as a testing engineer. She is also the deputy project manager and co-investigator for SOAREX 9 and SOAREX 10 missions. Ali supported the Orion Thermal Protecsion System (TPS) as a S&MA lead for the sensor on the Heat Shield (HS). She oversees the quality and safety of the design, build and testing of the sensor that would be installed in the HS for the next flight back in 2018.

In 2011 Ali was a member of the Plug-n-Play Mission Operations (PPMO) Workshop organizational committee at NASA Ames and helped organize the workshop held at SJSU. In 2013, Ali was on the student committee for the 10th International Planetary Probe Workshop (IPPW-10), which was held at SJSU the week of June 17th 2013.

Sources: (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

[hms-chill]

I’m asking to be hurt but could you do #34?

34. “I don’t deserve to be loved.”

It’s not often that Henry comes home to a quiet house. Really, it’s not often that the brownstone is quiet. It’s something Henry loves about it; he loves coming home to Alex singing in the kitchen or watching TV or drumming his pen on the desk in their front office. If nothing else, he’ll usually have David’s feet on the hardwood to welcome him home, or something playing from the record player in the living room. But today, the house is quiet.

He finds Alex upstairs, sitting in the library with David curled up on his lap. He’s just staring out the window, but Henry can see the corner of a list poking out from under the cushion of their window seat. David and Alex both look up as he pushes open the door, and Alex smiles a bit. Still, he’s not happy.

“Hello, love,” Henry says, coming to join him on the window seat. He sits with Alex’s feet in his lap, but Alex moves closer to him almost immediately, leaning against him as Henry wraps his arm around Alex’s shoulders.

“Hi.” Alex’s voice is smaller than it should be, and Henry just rubs his shoulder a bit.

“Want to talk about it?” He asks, and Alex sighs.

“Someone... It’s stupid, but someone put together a big video of me and June and Nora, one of those ‘five minutes of the white house trio being themselves’ things, and all of mine were me being... you know, the fun one. The dumbass, really. And the comments were all... it was lots of people talking about how they like me, or they look up to me or whatever, but Hen, I... I don’t deserve that. I’m not... the girls are so good at what they do, and so smart and independent, but everything I’m doing is because of my parents. I’m only an inspiration or whatever because my mom is the president, or sometimes because I’m dating you, not because I’ve actually done anything to deserve it. I just... I don’t deserve to be loved, at least not like this. And if I ever do, I want it to be because I did something, not because of who my mom or my boyfriend is.”

Henry hugs him close, kissing his temple before he says, “You have done things, love. You’ve done so many incredible things. Maybe you have the position that you do because of your mum, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t used it incredibly well.”

“Maybe, but... June and Nora are doing more. Nora was bi the whole time, for both campaigns; she didn’t try to hide it or... or anything like that. And June is just... she’s so smart, and she never wanted any of this but you could never tell; she’s out there setting trends and writing books and everything. Nora’s going to be some incredible data czar; everyone knows she’s fucking brilliant. They’re both so smart and clever and... and so amazing, and then there’s me, and I’m not supposed to have to try, but I do have to, and even then everything i get is because of my mom.”

“That’s not true, sweetheart. You’re working so hard, I see it, and that’s what’s getting you where you want to go. Just because you’re still working on it doesn’t mean you won’t get there, and you’re already making the world better for so many people. Think about the work you did on that family’s immigration case last year? Or how you helped the congresswoman you interned with get her own committee? Those are things you did, not because you’re the president’s son, but because you’re a smart man who works hard and cares about everything he does. That’s what makes you an inspiration, not that you’re queer in the public eye. If you were bi and people saw you, but all they saw was you being an ass, that wouldn’t be inspiring for anyone.” Alex laughs a bit, and Henry smiles, running his hand through Alex’s hair. Alex leans his head on Henry’s shoulder, and Henry smiles. “You are incredible, truly. I’ve thought so since the moment I met you, and each moment I spend with you just convinces me more. I am so in awe of you.”

“Even when I’m a dumbass?”

“Especially when you’re a dumbass. The fact that you’re able to let go and be every part of yourself in public is beautiful. I wish I had half the confidence you have, even when you’re being a dumbass.”

“You weren’t supposed to make it cute,” Alex mutters into Henry’s neck, and Henry laughs, rubbing his back.

“I love you, and I have a whole college degree in making words mean what I want them to. It’s my job to make things cute.” He can feel Alex smile against his shoulder, and he asks, “Want to impress me by teaching me to make something tonight? I know you talked about homemade tortillas, we could do our own tacos or burritos?”

“That sounds good. This... this is a good day for homemade tacos.”

Henry smiles and gets him up, pressing a few more kisses to his temple and forehead before Alex grabs him and kisses him for real. David leads them downstairs, and Henry spends the rest of the night reassuring Alex that he’s amazing as they fill up on homemade tacos and tortillas.

On AO3

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If I recycle this idea for another fic about Alex's imposter syndrome around midterm season no one's allowed to say anything; that's my business.

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