#and as cool as a Turk dad might be

[legendaryturk]

“I’m not a regular dad. I’m a COOL dad.”

[lecliss]

Wait I have more to say about 7R. I found out Nero and Weiss from Dirge of Cerberus show up in Yuffie's special episode thing as a boss and secret boss and I lost my absolute mind. I really love Nero and to see that anything from Dirge got added to the remake makes me go fkfncocnclcn Im just so happy Dirge isnt forgotten and realizing now that since the brothers, Leslie, and Kyrie are in 7R, and I read that Nojima and Nomura want to add stuff from the rest of the compliation into 7R, hence these four's inclusion, so Im really hopeful that more'll be added. Like hopefully Shalua, some of the other Turks from Before Crisis, maybe just some kind of reminder that Genesis and Angeal existed. Omg itd be nice to see them in a flashback or at least hear them mentioned.

[breitzbachbea]

📒💖

Emi, I'm kissing you on the mouth right now, you're so sexy. In general but also for taking the bait.

Put “📓” or some other version of a book emoji into my inbox and I’ll explain the plot of a fanfiction that I haven’t written but daydream about.

The Constantinople AU

This AU is from 2017 and came about because I watched a TED-ED video about Constantinople's walls, relistened to the Aladdin soundtrack and because I had earlier talked with a friend about how I had not really seen people make a genie a woman. I came back years later to explain it to my friend Jonah and add new stuff and this year I showed it to @amber-isnt-a-precious-stone to add even more things. It's one of my favourite AUs for sure.

Dramatis Personae:

- Herakles Karpuzi (APH Greece) as Son of the Roman emperor and heir to the throne - Sadık Adnan (APH Turkey) as Soldier in the Ottoman army and Imposter Prince - Dilan Taş (Human OC) as Jinn and Sadık's unsuccessful wingwoman - Athanasios Karpuzi (Human OC) as the Roman emperor and serial skirtchaser - Salvatore Vento (Human OC) as Advisor to the emperor and Fuckface McBadDad - Michele Vento (APH Sicily) as Herakles' childhood friend

The Happenings™:

- It's set in Constantinople in an alternate Universe, close to ours. It’s the late High Middle Age/Early Late Middle Age (depending on how you want to periodize. I am working with how the German Middle Ages are divided, which is arguably a very bad method for classifying Byzantine. But this is my silly Hetalia AU, not my term paper). Around 1300, I’d say.

- Athansios Karpuzi is the current Roman Emperor, which makes Herakles the heir to the throne. Athanasios is desperately trying to wed his son off to any available suitors to form new alliances, but two things keep getting into the way: 1. Herakles is thoroughly uninterested in playing along with Athanasios’ plans. He’s not a chess piece on his father’s board if he's got anything to say about it. 2. Salvatore Vento is Athanasios’ closest consultant and protests any marriage for whatever reason he can find. For the sole reason that he has been eyeing the throne for himself the entire time and wants to marry his own son, Michele, to Herakles.

- Like in my Hetalia AU "Like Father Like Son", Salvatore and Athanasios trust each other as far as they can throw one another. There is no genuine trust here at all, no sympathy, really, they just stick together because they know the other is useful. Have some assorted banter as result of this:

Salvatore: "Immortal what a name! What a title to bear! Although immoral would have fit you much better." [Athanasios’ etymology is “immortal”]

S: "Maybe you wouldn't have to struggle to find a suitable bride for your son if you stopped dragging every young woman within and from outside Constantinople to bed." Athanasios: "He's into guys too, problem solved." S: "Oh, yeah, me dumbass thought you needed stop whoring around, how silly of me."

A: "If he is into anything at all. But if I have another child, they might keep this empire going." S: "No legitimation to the lineage's claim to power like a gay loner and a bastard child." A: "Ah yes, I hired the man whose wife ran away with his son so he could berate me about family life. How I value your opinion, Salvatore." S: "She didn't run away." A: "No, she just hides and sends you people until she can get her divorce. I'm very inclined to give it to her."

S: "They're childhood friends! They'd make a great couple!" A: "All I can hear is what a great emperor you'd make, ruling on my corpse."

- So. Herakles is staunchly resisting any marriage to anyone and minding his business one day, walking along the great walls of Constantinople. He stops to look out into the surrounding area and suddenly, hears a noise. Confused, he looks down and sees someone scaling the wall. Sadık looks up and sees the most beautiful man he has ever seen … spotting him trying to get into the city.

- Sadık is part of the Ottoman Turks, who’re conquering the area around Constantinople these days. He’s some nobody in the army and thought he’d give it a shot and get into the city by himself to earn some fame (and money).

- Herakles is seriously impressed Sadık managed to actually almost scale the famously impenetrable walls of the city. Not impressed enough to actually let him in. So these two banter a bit, Sadık now distracted by this hunk in front of his nose. Herakles correctly assesses that he’s a Turk and says of himself that he’s the emperor’s son. Sadık: “Hey, hot stuff, if that’s true and it’s so impressive, why don’t you let me in as a reward?” Herakles: “Yes, of course. And then I’ll open the gates for the rest of your people, so that you can just walk in and take the city. What impossible thing do you want to happen next, a kiss on the mouth?” Sadık: “What’s so impossible about that?”

- Either way, Herakles threatens to sick the guards on him, which leads to a “Oh no you wouldn’t” - Herakles grins and definitely would, so Sadık has to retreat. (#Don’tSickTheGuardsOnMyAssYou’reSoSexyAhaha).

- He goes back to camp, having gained nothing but a crush. He gets in real trouble for rummaging around the booty, where he finds an oil lamp and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. Dilan, a Jinn, pops out and Sadık uses his first wish to get out of trouble. Once that is done and the two have a moment of peace, he's thinking about what to do next and his mind circles back to Herakles.

- Dilan: "Ah yes, they always want something with love ... so who struck you and what's the problem?" Sadık: "Well ... I don't really know if it's true but he said he was the son of the emperor. He certainly looked the part! And I didn't really want to wait for him to call the guards to confirm it." Dilan: "Wait ... so you want to get with the son of the Roman emperor?" Sadık: "If that handsome little shit didn't lie to me, then yes." Dilan: "Isn't that a little out of your ballpark?" Sadık: "What, is it out of yours? Can't help me in that case, magic lady?" Dilan: "Psht, don't make me laugh! I can make the impossible happen, just tell me what you need." Sadık: "I dunno ... I guess getting inside the city?" Dilan: "That's it? That's all you need? That's less than a no-brainer -" Sadık: "Oh yeah, if it's so easy then, save that second wish for later. I got past one of the walls already once, I'll figure that out without your magic." Dilan: "Alright, alright ... and what about the wooing of your sweetheart?" Sadık: "That we'll see to once we're there ..."

- Dilan and Sadık chitchat while they make it to Constantinople. Dilan spends some time in the lamp, because walking is boring, but she does tell him that she's pretty sick of being in there. So that's where Sadık learns about her wishing to be free. Dilan in turn learns that Sadık doesn't have such a rosy life either (especially because now he can't return to the army, after he basically deserted).

- So they get to Constantinople and decide to actually factcheck if they got the right guy - and if yes, some general information about the emperor's son. Luckily enough, a friendly trader/tradesman tells them a bit about the city and the imperial family. Dilan: "So, did you by any chance ever see the emperor's son?" Trader: "Oh, well, that's an odd question, isn't it? But since you don't seem to be from here, I can understand the curiosity. Well, let me think ... You often see him only from afar ... during a triumph where he had accompanied his father during the campaign I got to see him up close. What a regal figure there at the head of the troops!" Sadık is too lost in the vision of his crush all decked out in military gear on a horse. And then taking all that gear off and being a regal figure while he fucks Sadık into the sheets … Dilan: "Yeah, yeah, yadda yadda, we need something more concrete. Height, hairstyle, haircolour, what does the dude look like?" The trader/tradesman is a little baffled but does provide a description that lines up with who Sadık saw. So with that information, they start to wonder how to woo a future emperor.

- Luckily, now that the trader/tradesman thinks they're here for imperial gossip, he actually mentions the fact that Emperor Athanasios hopes for his son to follow his footsteps and is currently looking for a suitable match, so that Herakles can be of political use even while he's still in charge. So Dilan and Sadık get an idea how to get into the city and Herakles heart. Or his pants. Milestones are still up for negotiation.

- After the grand entrance happened, where Herakles definitely took offense at either "Heard your prince was a sight lovely to see" or "Heard your prince was hot, where is he?" because either question was accompanied by Sadık's flirty looks, Athanasios actually lets Sadık and Dilan into the palace. There he and Salvatore discuss the entire thing, aka if whoever Sadık pretends to be is a good match.

- While they talk political stuff and snark, because of course Salvatore is against it, Sadık continues to feel very smug in his new princely identity and makes flirty eyes at Herakles. Herakles is just like "ugh" and much more happily plays with his cats. Which tbh sounds like they're 16 or something, but they're not that much younger than in canon (I think they'd be 22 and 24 here).

- Hijinks ensue. Herakles tells his dad that he’s a Turkish soldier that tried to sneak into the city and Athanasios doesn’t believe him, thinking Herakles is now lying badly to not get married. Dilan and Sadık are developing a friendship that is best described as hoes being bros.

- Dilan: "Look, you like cats. Cats are furry. Hairy, if you will. You know who else is hairy? Sadık. He's juuust as hairy as a cat - shhhht, I'm wingmanning for you and it's working great, you can thank me later."

- At first, Dilan mostly employs her magic for some silly little things with Sadık to woo Herakles. It doesn't work very well. Herakles: "I know it's magic, that's not impressing me - Okay, it is kinda cool, but you're still a dick." Dilan: "But a dick with a cool sidekick, come ON! What else do you want me to do to make the nerd viable?!" Sadık: "You call that wingmanning?!"

- Once Dilan realizes dickbags Athanasios and Salvatore are, she also uses little magic tricks to continously make their lives worse. Ironically, this may be what finally endears her and Sadık to Herakles. (If you haven't noticed, he doesn't like his father very much and Athanasios doesn't care for him aside from being a political pawn).

- At one point, Michele shows up at court! Herakles is overjoyed to see his childhood friend, which he hadn’t seen in years! Sadık is absolutely not, because it looks like just when he and Herakles almost had something, this twat shows up and steals the show!

- Dilan: "Well, I can't make him not love this dude, but I could beat the dude up." Sadık: " ... keep that in mind."

- However, when Dilan goes to investigate what Michele is doing here (and wingwomanning again), this ensues: Dilan: "Hey brah, what's up, why so blue looking? Is it because your boo just told you you ain't his number one anymore?" Michele: "I, eh ... no ... May I ask who you are?" Dilan: "Just one of the servants of the insanely charming and powerful - and hairy - Prince who's here to marry the Prince. Yep, he's sooo gonna marry that guy." Dilan: "There was a whole musical number about it, you should have seen it, I was on top of my game." Michele: "Sure heard about it, you stirred up trouble here. Hope it helps ... I'm not saying that Herakles should marry someone his dad set in front of him, but it'd be nice if he found someone at last. He told me he was very lonely the last years ... I don't want to leave him behind just as lonely again." Dilan: "Yeah, it'd be - Leave him behind?"

- Dilan: "Good news! His loverboy is not here to stay! He wants to go to the west, he's just here because of his terrible dad!" Sadık: "Oh, that's good! Wait ... isn't his father that asshole of an advisor?" Dilan: "Yeah. Why." Sadık: "The guy who wanted to marry his son to Herakles since apparently forever?" Dilan: "Yeah, but his son is not going to marry him." Sadık: "I smell a trap 10 miles against the wind."

- There is no trap however. Herakles realizes that the crush on Michele is nothing but a childhood crush and has to be left in the past … and that he wants to move forward with Sadık. When he wants a conversation one-on-one, Dilan wants to make it a one-on-two, but Herakles asks her if she doesn’t want to keep Michele company in the gardens, it’s not gonna take long, an hour or two at most. Then she can also fetch Michele when they’re done, so that Herakles can say goodbye before he leaves for Sicily.

- Dilan thinks about it, finds it’s not a trap (and if it was, nothing she and her fists couldn’t solve) and goes in the garden. There she talks with Michele and makes the mistake to either show off her magic powers, tell Michele of TurGre’s meetugly (#Don’tSickTheGuardsOnMyAssYou’reSoSexyAhaha) or to be like: “Hey, do you wanna know a cool secret? Sadık isn’t a Prince, all of this is my doing. Pretty cool, eh?”

- Unfortunately, they’re not alone. Salvatore was searching for Michele in the gardens, to get his “fucking rotten brat of a son” to play along after all instead of disappearing once again. So he overhears this. Salvatore: "Oh, so Prince Sadık is not a Prince? That's a funny joke indeed and I'll laugh my ass off the hardest in the end."

- So just when Herakles and Sadık had time to talk about their feelings and confess and, also, you know, make out and fumble for good measure, they get interrupted. Literally when Herakles was finally stripped down to his tunic and Sadık slid his hand underneath it.

- Athanasios: "This is gonna be the last wall you breached, you little rat." Herakles: "Dad! Stop it!" Athanasios: "This man nearly ruined our dynasty. Arrest him." Salvatore: "Arrest the man indeed. Go and get the ex-emperor." Athanasios: "Ex-Prince. It's not the right time for your snark." Salvatore: "I'm not talking about that small fish. Guards - arrest this careless idiot who nearly ruined our city by letting a scammer into its walls! Clearly the emperor's been in on this and can't be trusted!" Athanasios: "You've lost your mind." Salvatore: "You've lost yours and it's actually the thing you'll miss the least when syphilis is going to eat away the last of your rotten brain in the dungeons. So get him! And that ottoman faker, too, just get the trash out of here."

- The scene ends rather dramatically, because I love the thought of Michele and Dilan rushing to their help, but they get held back. Dilan maybe gets restrained by some anti-magic stuff. And Dilan begs Sadık to use his last wish to help him. To solve this problem. But Sadık refuses, because he promised to use it to set her free. So Dilan is just livid and upset, distraught, yelling at him to let her do something while he gets taken to the dungeons.

- So now Salvatore’s in charge and setting his plans into motion. PR is of course the first thing that needs to be done, so there’s a speech to Constantinople’s masses: "But, as you know, I respect and regard the royal family, the entire dynasty, more than any of you! So I am not going to assume power, it'd be a crime against God himself who granted us this emperor, if I had removed him for anything but his unstable condition and his tragic mistake of almost letting his lineage being tainted! Not to mention that this would have been the end of our beloved empire, our city, suddenly overrun and ruled by those barbarians! No, of course I'll give my power to the true heir who was merely a victim to his father's incompetence. To prove I really mean it, I'm even going to give up my son to the Prince, to forever bind my loyality to the throne!"

- Michele: "I hold no more respect for you as father as I did when we left. I'm not going to play along your perverted plan." Salvatore: "Well Michele, if you don't respect me as father, then maybe you'll respect me as the Roman Emperor!"

- Meanwhile, in the dungeons, Athanasios and Sadık have some great chitchat. Sadık: "Guess that's some quality father and son in law bonding time, eh?” S:“Though I'm pretty sure your son would rather call me daddy than you." A: "Once this entire drama is over, I'll have you decapitated. Or just kick you back to your people and let them handle this." S: "Ah, but when I came here as a fake prince, your arms and gates were wide open. Should've listened to your son when he told you so."

- Here’s also some Salvatore content: Athanasios: "And now you strut around in my clothes. I'm surprised they even fit you fatass!" Salvatore: "Oh, the entire imprisonment is really getting to you, ain't it, emperor tightlips? Ah, I meant - ex-emperor tight lips. Now you've sunk low enough to insult me with such details. Is it because you have nothing else left now that you're off your high horse?" Salvatore: "I thought so. At least you're enough of a sound mind to not threaten me with 'once I get out of here' hot air. Because we both know you're not getting out of here in a lifetime anymore. And yes, I’m wearing your rags, since I’ve got no time to waste.” Salvatore to Sadık: "Actually, it's sad that you aren't going to be there to watch it. Although, I think a public execution would just spice the entire wedding festivities up, if I think about it."

- Ah yes. The wedding. Herakles: "You look great today, my love. Like a polished jewel." Michele: "Thanks. I'd never seen a man more handsome than you though. Truly, a prince with all his qualities seen right away." Both: -sigh- Ft. Dilan, who’s just watching the kids sadly and is trying to reassure them she got this, she’s gonna find a way, it’ll be fine!!!

- Herakles and Michele wonder why Sadık didn't use that wish. To which Dilan replies he said he'd free her with it, but she didn't believe he'd actually uphold that promise. And he shouldn't have because now she's useless and he's in trouble. (And Hera only falls more in love with Sadık, because being a good person is HELLA swoony.)

- Dilan also tries to cheer them up and I believe she can still do small magic tricks, she just can't get out of whatever shackles/confinement she is in. So when she isn't despairing or raging, she tries to cheer Herakles and Michele up with some silly little tricks. She shapeshifts into their fathers to make fun of them. Which leads them to an idea ...

- I have no idea what it is though. I only know that the grand final and resolution involves shapeshifting. If anyone who's better at plots wants to give me ideas, please do.

- However they manage to stop Salvatore's machinations, this is what follows: Salvatore gets thrown into the dungeons. Herakles decides to not let his father out and instead take the crown himself. He becomes emperor and marries Sadık. Sadık uses his last wish to set Dilan free. Michele goes to travel to Sicily, promising he’ll write letters to them and come visit some day (Dilan promises the same).

- The end of Salvatore and Athanasios rotting in jail together is SO satisfying to me, bc now that they are useless to each other, there is nothing left to do but be a pain in each other’s ass. They hate each other and they DESERVE EACH OTHER.

Sequel Bait:

- Before we get to the sequel bait, let me give you some prequel bait for a change. Here's a little "what if one of the many suitable matches for Herakles had been one of the Beilschmidt brothers" scenario. Plus free medieval history lesson:

- Now for the actual sequel: Three years come and go. Herakles and Sadık settle in their new rules as emperor and ... emperor's husband. (I don't know if Byzantine empresses were "put into office" in the same way the Emperor was. If someone is more knowledgeable about this than me, correct me).

- Their marriage is going swell, however both struggle in their new official roles. Herakles faces all the administrative problems and tough decisionmaking that comes with being a ruler, while Sadık struggles to be accepted by the people of Constantinople. Where Herakles tends to take care of the court, Sadık tries his hand at being a military leader.

- One morning, Sadık wakes up with Herakles in the room. Which should not be surprising, if it wasn't for the fact that Herakles had left the city yesterday. He's oddly nonchalant about it when Sadık asks him and also ... weirdly chipper? Eager? Kitschy in his flirting? He's at first flattered, but soon very confused by everything and wonders if either he hit his head real hard in his sleep or if Herakles fell off his horse when he tried to make it out of the city.

- Turns out none of it, because after some more eyelash fluttering, his "husband" goes POOF! and turns out to be Dilan, who's on the floor laughing. "You should have seen your stupid face! Really! Wait, I'll show you!"

- After Dilan is done shapeshifting into Sadık, absolutely overacting his reaction and argueing with him about it, they finally get to catch up. Turns out that Dilan was bored by travelling around the world and wanted to check in on her old buddy.

- She couldn't have chosen a more opportune time to do so. Once Herakles returns, he ... at first has a weird reunion with his husband. Sadık is kind of wary around him and starts to list his attitude and general personality traits/ticks as proof for ... something. Takes a while for Herakles to get the news that Dilan is back, too.

- Herakles is very relieved to hear that! He wanted to confide something in Sadık, because after he had returned to the city, someone had taken him aside. Natasa Simonides, an old and trusted courtly advisor, needed help. Recently, her husband Ibrahim disappeared and she's worried.

- Natasa also told Herakles a secret: Ibrahim is a Jinn, which is why his disappearance worries her even more. Herakles informs Sadık and asks Dilan if she knows anything, but she sadly hasn't heard anything either. - Before she can zip off and see if she can find Ibrahim, Herakles asks another favour of her - to educate Natasa's twins, Timothea Farah and Omar Veniam instead. Natasa thinks they may be able to find their father, but they don't know they're half-Jinn, so they'd need some guidance. Dilan happily agrees to be their teacher!

- My only more in-depth infos on Jinn and their children with humans comes from this Monstrum video by PBS Storied. I don't think Thea & Omar would need to be taught by anyone to be seers and how to be in communication with non-human spheres, but it makes for a better story.

- So Dilan is off to teach the kids while Sadık volunteers to go and search for Ibrahim. Herakles resumes his imperial role in the city.

- It's not really fun and as the people become more and more agitated with the status quo, more and more people "remember" that the old emperor is still around. Enough people are going "What's that kid knowing anyways?! All those highfangled ideas and useless reforms, for what?" that a select few decide to stage a coup by releasing Athanasios from the dungeons.

- Now, I still haven't decided if Salvatore also gets let out. The problem is that I really would begrudge him his freedom ... but I also begrudge Athanasios his freedom! It doesn't feel fair that one bastard gets to walk free and the other doesn't!

- Out in the field, Sadık isn't having much more luck. No Jinn in sight and the trouble he has with a few of the men that accompany him keeps him thinking about the acceptance problems again. He really wishes at one point that Herakles wasn't emperor at all. You can imagine how terrible he feels for these thoughts when news of the coup catches up to them. Be careful what you wish for and all that jazz. On top of that, he gets into trouble as well - betrayed by some of the men he had taken along. He gets stuck in some place like a cave or an abandoned house he was investigating ...

- Sadık finds a large sealed bottle and thinks 'Well, what's the worst that could happen?' He is greeted by a GIANT cloud of smoke instead of anything edible/drinkable. By the time the cloud is human-shaped, he already has a giant grin on his face. Sadık: "Hah! I have a sixth sense for this kind of stuff!" Jinn: "Greetings, mor-" Sadık: "Yeah, yeah, quick question, is your name Ibrahim? Or do you know one of your kind called Ibrahim who's been passing through recently?" Jinn: "My name is Ibrahim - " Sadık: "Great! You know a Greek lady called Natasa? I take that look as a yes. Okay, so first wish is to get us out of here, second wish we'll see, third is like freeing you from the whole servitude bit - You do the three wishes thing, right? Anyways, your wife and kids are wishing for dad to come home, so get us out of here, you'll get explanations on the way back."

- In the meantime, Dilan and her protégés, along with Natasa and Herakles, have been trying to figure out how to solve the problem at court. It doesn't help that the news of Sadık's troubles also reached them (I know the speed of spreading information may be historically hella inaccurate, but I need it for the drama). So Dilan is torn between helping her best bud and helping the rest at court. The Greeks cook up a plan and assure her that she should go and help Sadık, they've got this.

- The plan is to get Athanasios to do something incredibly stupid that would immediately turn the people against him. They exploit the fact that Athanasios likes to listen to words that fall from pretty lady's mouths. So Timothea flatters her eyelashes and promises to tell him something of a vision she had ... that the divine has something to tell him through her. (Don't worry for her, she may have to endure his fingers under her chin, which is infuriating and nauseous enough, but no more skin contact than this). Thea gets backed by her brother to lend it more credibility once Athanasios considers with his head and not his dick.

- And we can all appreciate that Dilan has been sent away, otherwise the scene would have been like this: Thea: "The spirits are talking to me about you ... " Dilan: "Mhm, mhm, indeed, I can hear them to. They're saying that you're a bitch!"

- Dilan in the meantime reaches Sadık, Ibrahim and those of his troop that haven't betrayed and abandoned him as soon as they heard of the coup. A little happy reunion before she immediately fills them in on what's happening.

- They come up with a plan themselves to finally get rid of Athanasios and the Simonides and Herakles have begun to sweat a little back home, because Athanasios mistake of listening to the twins' advice has bought them time, but not really solved the problem yet. Which is when Dilan and Ibrahim sweep in, concocting an illusion powerful enough to wrap up everyone in Constantinople and make Athanasios seem like the literal devil. Some mass-hallucination miracle bullshit, truly, to assert that he doesn't deserve the throne.

- Maybe for good measure, Athanasios disappears after the illusion is over. Dilan and Ibrahim have no idea where he went, they say with a smile.

- Another grand finale! The four lovers are reunited, Thea and Omar are overjoyed to have their dad back and he is overjoyed to have his kids back. When Dilan tells the Simonides twins that they did a great job, she's a good teacher after all haha!, Ibrahim and Natasa invite her to stay. Dilan says that they don't need her, surely, now that Ibrahim can teach them, but Ibrahim says he could use some help. Herakles also encourages her, saying that he'd love to have her at court - and Sadık also bullies her into staying. "What do you wanna do, see the world again? Didn't do much for your peanut brain the first time around, maybe hit the books together with Hera so that you'll be a passable teacher some day."

- Dilan and Omar also have evolved a crush on one another during this entire mess. That's what I'll leave you with - all well that ends well.

Also hey you! Thanks for reading all of this! Here's a little bonus content if you made it this far!

A wonderful fanart of Michele and Salvatore by my beloved friend C0FFINATED over on twitter!

Here's an amazing commission of the Greeks and Turks by @captkirkland ! I'm not sure if I'm allowed to repost the pictures myself on tumblr & you shoud reblog it from him anyways. Show him and his amazing art some love! From left to right it's Timothea, Herakles, Omar, then Dilan, Sadık and Havva (who's not featured in this AU, rip. Things would have worked to well with their brainpower).

Thanks for reading this! Hope you have a wonderful day!

[punz4lyfe]

Pokemon Journeys’ Bea.... Kinda Sucks

Hello again! After a weekend of contemplating, I’ve decided to write a little blog review of Pokemon Journeys’ version of Bea from SwSh. Originally, I was planning to do after we get a bit more episodes of Bea, but with all the leaked episode titles we’ve been getting, I’ve got a feeling we won’t see this lady until sometime at late-February, or even March, so let’s just get this outta the way now.

Also, please note that since Bea has only made two actual appearances in the anime, many of the points I will talk about will be subject to change depending on how the writers will handle her in the future, but with all that said, let’s get right to it.

Before we begin, let me just say this: in the games, I find Bea okay. And in Twilight Wings, I love her character and I feel she had a great amount of focus and depth. However, in the anime, I find her.... a little lame. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate her or anything and I feel she has a ton of great potential. So much so, that she could honestly surpass her Twilight Wings variation, but as of now, I’ve got some problems with her.

Problem #1: Her Goal/Motivation

So my first major problem with her character is her goal. Like almost every other trainer we’ve seen in Journeys, Bea wants to rise her rank in the World Coronation Series so that she can battle Leon and take his place as the world’s strongest trainer. But here’s my question for though: Why? Why do you want to be seen as the world’s strongest trainer?

In many past regions, almost all of Ash’s past rivals had the “what” to their goals: Conquering a regional league. However, many of them also had different “why’s” that added to their own motivation. Paul had a brother to prove himself stronger than, Alain had his whole thing with solving the secrets of Mega Evolution for Lysandre as well as finding a way to cure Chespie’s coma, and Gladion wanted to find his dad. From Bea, I’m literally getting nothing from her. Does she have a master she wants to prove herself to? Well, we later find out she trained under Johto’s Chuck, but that’s all really. Does she have some kind of troubling childhood where she was initially seen as weak by her peers, and now with the chance in hand, she can prove everyone wrong by becoming the world’s strongest trainer? As interesting as that sounds, that doesn’t seem to be the case, either.

Without any proper motivation, I have no reason to care for her goals. Please, writers, in her next appearance, please give us the “why” to her actions and not the “what”. Bea has a really cool design, so this is your chance in giving her a cool backstory to boot.

Problem #2: Her Team Sucks

As I’ve mentioned, Bea wants to conquer her way through the World Coronation Series and take Leon’s place. And how is she gonna do that? With a team of all-fighting types? That’s not good enough!

Fighting types are awesome undoubtedly, but like all types, they have their weaknesses. Imagine if Bea faced off against a trainer who, in turn, had a team of all fairy, flying, psychic, or ghost types. She would be completely screwed and she must’ve been pretty lucky to reach her current World Coronation status with a team like hers. There’s honestly a huge list of trainers I can think of who could completely screw Bea over, like Agatha, Skyla, or Sabrina. Heck, if you really think about it, if she were to face Leon, who we know possesses a Dragapult and Charizard, she honestly wouldn’t get far due to Dragapult’s half ghost typing and Gigantamax Charizard crushing her team like ants because it’s a flippin’ half flying giant. And if she were to take Leon’s place, it probably wouldn’t last long since someone can easily identify her preferred type and screw her over with the typings I’ve previously mentioned.

As a matter in fact, let’s imagine a what-if scenario: Ash using Gengar against her Grapploct, who the anime seems to be emphasizing as one of her strongest Pokemon. Looking up her Grapploct’s moveset in the anime, Detect would only delay the inevitable and Close Combat and Octolock wouldn’t do anything due to Gengar’s ghost typing, leaving Liquidation as the only option Grapploct would have to hurt Gengar. Meanwhile, all of Gengar’s own moves can easily affect Grapploct, especially Psychic. And before you bring up the time Gengar lost to Korrina’s Mienshao, keep in mind this, he was taken down by a Beat Up attack, a dark type move that’s honestly pretty broken if you think about it. Does Grapploct know any dark type moves? Nope. Would any of her other Pokemon know some? Most likely, but my point still stands that, with the right mon, you can easily screw up her own team.

That’s why many Champions and Elite Trainers have well-diversed teams. Because if they just stuck to one type, then someone could easily take advantage of that. Many of Ash’s past rivals also had well-diversed teams to keep the stakes high whenever Ash battled them, just look at Gary, Paul, Trip, Sawyer, and Alain. Speaking of stakes...

Problem #3: The Stakes Are Kinda Small

As I just mentioned, because of how straightforward her team is, the stakes of her and Ash’s rivalry are honestly kind of small in that regard. But that’s not all. I know this might be an unpopular opinion, but in all of her battles against Ash so far, I still don’t feel the reason to take her seriously.

Going back in her debut appearance, before her battle against Ash starts, she states that she previously beaten Korrina and called her ‘weak’. And to that, all I have to say, so? Ash has already beaten her a while back, and then he became a champion, and then he beaten her again. I have no idea what you’re exactly trying to prove with that, Bea. Not to mention, we didn’t even get to see who she used against Korrina and her Mega Lucario. Was it someone in her current roster or perhaps a secret weapon? Why would you hide this from us, writers?

Anywayz, going into the battle itself, Ash lost without defeating a single Pokemon. ...Yeah, I’m still not seeing the reason why I should take her seriously, considering the only mons Ash used were little baby Riolu and newcomer Farfetch’d. If it were a three-on-three with Ash using Dragonite, but he still lost, then I would see Bea as a big threat to his goals, but no. And while the lost did lower Ash’s own rank, be quickly raised it back up off-screen by her next appearance, so I guess that wasn’t much of a big deal overall.

In their next battle, Ash used Pikachu and Riolu again and it ended up in a draw, affecting neither of their ranks. Even with a draw, I don’t see any reason to take Bea seriously. While she managed to take down Pikachu, it should be noted that it took two of her Pokemon to do the job, plus Pikachu’s one of the most inconsistent characters in history, so him losing to Grapploct doesn’t really bring in a lot of stakes. And since Riolu and Grapploct tied, that pretty much spoils the fact that Ash’s aura dog will most likely take the W in one of their next battles, especially since Riolu has now evolved into Lucario.

Most rivals in the past usually consistently beat Ash a few times in a row to really set up the stakes for their rivalry. It would add interesting conflict and dynamic in their final confrontation, but considering the recent tie and that Ash only used his two newest mons in their first battle, I don’t really care about Bea as a rival. Not to mention, it took two mons to take down Pikachu, Dragonite and Gengar’s typings royally screw her over, Lucario’s evolution and Farfetch’d’s future one might set them up to be equal or even stronger than her mons, and Dracovish has the potential to be an absolute tank.

Final Points

Overall, with what we’re given so far, Bea kind of sucks as a rival. We don’t have any motivation or depth, her team sucks, and there aren’t really many stakes. She’s pretty much the generic mean boss lady we will have to defeat by the end of the journey. I honestly get a lot more stakes from FF7′s Turks.

But is she the worst rival that Ash has ever gotten? Not by a long shot, especially since the likes of Nando and Cameron exist omg Cameron why do you exist? And like I said, since she’s only made two appearances, there’s still a lot of room for improvement, so many of my issues with her could change over time. I just wanted to get this off of my chest and hopefully provide some insight to my fellow fans on how Bea could become a better character in the anime.

Though, I kind of feel there could be some better directions with her. Even if we get more development, her team will suck by the end of the day, so why not make her a rival for Korrina? They’re both fighting type specialists who aim to be the strongest, plus you could pull off a super cool rivalry over which is stronger; Mega Evolution or Gigantamaxing, with Lucario and Machamp respectively. I honestly feel Hop would be a better rival for Ash due to similar personalities, goals, and diversity in teams. Assuming Hop exists in the anime verse, of course.

If you made it this far, thank you very much for reading my thoughts over Journeys’ Bea! Please feel free to follow for more anipoke content! (am i cool already)

[leowifefang]

Kunsel HCs I never got around to writing

 Might get a little long so I’ll keep it under the cut. Might be weirdly formatted because Tumblr weird.

Born in the slums to what some would call a generic family (Mom, dad, two kids, one girl, one boy).

Didn’t exactly have the best childhood growing up, being under the plate and all, but it took a turn for the worse after his mother decided to join one of ShinRa’s science department studies in an effort to put food on the table.

No one who participated in the study came back. They received extra compensation money, but at what cost? Kunsel gains a grudge against ShinRa, and against Hojo (as he should).

Hojo fucking sucks this is not related to Kunsel but fuck Hojo Genesis please set him on fire

His father is killed repairing the plate, he falls to his death. They recover his corpse a week after he was reported missing.

Kunsel finds work in smuggling weapons designs and other information between gangs in the slums, this pulls in enough money to support him and his sister.

His sister eventually is able to find a job in a local materia shop. She pulls her own weight and ends up slowly distancing herself from Kunsel as he continues to work in... a more dangerous and illegal workplace.

At this point in his life, Kunsel is becoming more and more adept at gathering information and manipulating his clients to his benefit. He closes off emotionally and gains a reputation for being quick and effective.

This gains the attention of the Turks (woohoo), but he declines due to their strong loyalty to Rufus Shinra. The agent is faintly amused at what Kunsel has uncovered about the “Department of Administrative Research” and lets him go, albeit disappointed. The Turks know that a half-hearted Turk is a dead one.

His grudge against ShinRa is still running very, very, deep, and with his new found talent, he decides to dismantle ShinRa from the inside out. He figures the best way is to join SOLDIER. They have enough permissions within ShinRa, and if need be, he will have enough strength to fight through infantry and other SOLDIERS through enhancement.

He dislikes the general idea of Hojo/Science department tampering with him, but decides it’s a necessary evil.

Meets Zack when they start off as part of the infantry.

“HEY!! I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU AROUND BEFORE!!! Hello! My name is Zack! I’m from Gongaga! How about you?! Why is your helmet still on? The helmets are really hot and stuffy you know? I can barely see! Maybe they should fix the helmets so that we-”

[kunsel, internally screaming] “Uhm. My name is Kunsel. I’m from... here, Midgar that is-”

“WOAH A MIDGARDIAN SO COOL WHAT’S IT LIKE LIVING HERE HAVE YOU BEEN BELOW THE PLATE?!?!?!?!”

Zack sticks around to bug him some more and he ends up sorta liking tolerating his presence. They become best friends :D

And that’s it for backstory, since that’s up to where Kuns and Zack meet. My appearance headcanons are pretty much aligned with what most of the fandom’s is. Kunsel is that guy you’d see buying various vegetables at the grocery store, not a pretty boy protag. 

Here’re some misc HCs for Kuns:

After Kunsel met Zack, he started warming up a bit. Although he’s still a bit cold and distant at times, has the best dry humour.

He also loses all braincells he has when he’s with Zack. Gone. Reduced to 1/2. They share that 1/2 braincell.

Kunsel does his best to not be promoted to 1st class. A skilled 2nd class SOLDIER is just as strong as a new 1st, and he doesn’t like the spotlight the firsts get either. 3rd class SOLDIERS have little to no clearance within Shinra and are barely more than glorified infantry. SOLDIER 2nd is where he can stay mostly in the shadows and collect information for Shinra’s Doomsday.

He’s friends with the Turks :D. They have information exchanges often. Zack knows they meet sometimes, but only because he walked in on Kunsel, Reno, and Cissnei playing Stamp: Reignited Trilogy in Kuns’ apartment. This is the one and only time Kunsel didn’t plan his schedule down to the minute.

That’s it for now! Might update it with more later. Hope you enjoyed this overly long post about a guy who has 2 voiced lines in a game that’s barely accessible. My writing is hasty and crap so,,, don’t expect any fics,,,

[itsamepatches]

Patches reads the CW "Powerpuff Girls" script PART 5

19 pages out of 60 into this script, and we're with a familial reunion between 25-year-olds Bubbles, Buttercup, and the distant Blossom. Of course, since Ace the cameraman from "Vigro Management" has been recording all this time, Professor Drake Utonium has to make a hilarious question after watching the sisters hug:

DRAKE You getting this?

*canned laughter*

And now, we reach the end of Act 1.

PART 1 (here) PART 2 (here) PART 3 (here) PART 4 (here) PART 5

Can I have some, too, Blossom? I might want some later.

I'm

pretty sure you guys wanted to be superheroes, Blossom.

Forgive me if I'm not entirely right because it's been a while since I've seen season 3 and onwards of the original cartoon series, but, yeah, having moments where a superhero goes "I didn't want this, though" is common especially for a long-running superhero series, and perhaps the Powerpuff Girls had a moment or so of this in the cartoon; however, they still loved what they did. They had an episode where they were stuck inside with no crime happening because it was bloody raining. They were bored to death. Buttercup wanted to punch! CW Bubbles has a good bit here, though. Blossom was the leader, and leaders lead no matter the circumstance.

No Buttercup, it's Chik-Fil-A.

Oh shit, here we go again:

Surprise! Blossom has a PANIC ATTACK again!

If she has it this severe to the brink of losing consciousness, you would think her dumb therapist guy would've done more than simply say "u must think of ur child self mate" but I guess not.

Okay, so as you read the final part below, go ahead and pull up this song (Glow Worm - Mills Brothers) since that's the apparent song that's playing...I think. I checked, and there are several other songs called this, but this one is nice and catchy, so I'll go with this one.

He's dead.

Looks like the cute kid is a smart cookie who makes evil robot caterpillars for a living. I'll bet her parents are proud of her. :B

Hooooo...boy. We're done with the first of many acts. I would go ahead and start the next act in this post, but I'll go ahead and dump some comments I have of what we've read so far.

About the Professor: In the previous "Patches reads", I mentioned the casting choice about Professor Utonium being awkward. For those unaware, Professor Drake Utonium is played by Donald Fasion (Dr. Turk from "Scrubs", Bartik from "TRON: Uprising", a LOT of appearances in "Robot Chicken"). Having Professor black is pretty cool, having Donald playing a guy who is a gentle and intellectual dad to a trio of superhero girls sounds cool!

What isn't cool is how you disregarded the loving professor people grew up loving while watching the cartoon. Why on earth did you find it necessary to do that? As a biracial black person, I want to give an ittsy-bittsy tiny benefit of the doubt that they didn't purposely casted a black man to play freaking Professor Utonium and then make him the complete opposite of what he actually is/was. Let Donald be Professor Utonium, please ;;

(I could do a similar bit with how both Blossom and Buttercup have those unfortunate implications such as a biracial Asian girl play Blossom and a biracial black girl play Buttercup, but plenty of people have already made those; however, speaking as a mixed person myself...some of them were kinda racist towards biracial people for saying they don't look "xx enough". Y'know. Knock it off. I might talk about the thing with the "Buttercup is a lesbian" bit though.)

About Sara: sara got screwed over in this script, next.

About Blossom killing Mojo: Would this plot have been better if they waited longer into the series for her to kill Mojo? I'm not certain. Like, yeah, some people might groan over the "accidentally killed a villain plot" but they'll get over it. I just feel like this would be a really dramatic moment if handled correctly. I know people have done plots like this in their fanworks for the Powerpuff Girls better than this, and if you (the person reading this) did this at any point, I wanna applaud you.

Killing someone on accident is an absolute nightmare - imagine the horror dawning on a superhero who had committed such a tragedy. Sure, some won't care if it was a bad guy, but I don't believe Blossom would be the kind to shrug it off. Like I said earlier in this reading also...Blossom is a leader - a leader isn't supposed to kill unless necessary (or not at all, depending).

I don't hate this plotline! It's just

the effect of the traumatic event is weak, but I'm guessing it's due to it being script-form. ...I think.

Okay, I think I'm done. Since this one was short, Part 6 will be up fairly soon. :B

and if you read all of my nonsensical ramblings, thank you and I'm sorry

[up-sideand-down]

The moment I saw robasarel's art I immediately thought about you Turk!Cloud au, it just fits him so well! This au took me by surprise and I love it far too much so I'd like to thank you for all the amazing HCs. If you're still in the mood for questions atm, what is Turk!Cloud's relationship with the Avalanch trio, Barrett and Tifa (or if there's any relationship at all)?

I felt the same way about the Nailbat Cloud art by @robasarel. Not only was the art fantastic, it just gave me headcanon feels. So you should go look at it because it totally inspired all these headcanons. 

But good question about Avalanche. I’ve touched a bit on Tifa. She and Cloud had a rocky restart, where she was unsure who this new Cloud was. The answer was it was the same Cloud, but now trying too hard to look tough and cool. She lets him have it. 

He is much more tense with Barret. Barret does not trust Cloud an inch. If Cloud will turn on ShinRa, then he’d turn on any of them. But...Cloud has never lied to him. All his information is good, and he has saved Barret’s branch of Avalanche quite a few times. Barret grows to a grudging acceptance. Cloud does what he does and he does care about people...unlike most of ShinRa. 

Cloud is probably the closest with Biggs. Cloud lives right by the Leaf House and Biggs is there all the time. He and Cloud meet while volunteering with the kids. Cloud is protective of them, he plays with them and gets rid of monsters for them. Biggs really sees Cloud’s soft side first. He was shocked when he found out Cloud was a Turk. But Cloud assures Biggs nothing that’s said or done when he’s off the clock ever goes anywhere. 

Cloud has met Wedge once. For the cats. Wedge’s cats let him pet them. Wedge is a good guy who has lovely, beautiful cats. 

Cloud avoids Jesse at all costs. Jesse flirted with him, she saw it made him super uncomfortable...and now she does it all the time. He doesn’t like it. Barret keeps telling her to leave him alone, that Cloud might drop them and not talk to them anymore, but Jesse doesn’t listen. She’s made a Turk deeply uncomfortable and she’s not gonna let that go even though she only meant it the first time. 

She does feel bad when her mom tells her a nice boy in a leather jacket stopped by with worker’s compensation paperwork for her dad, so they could get more money and better mako poisoning treatments. He stated Jesse had complained and he offered to help get the proper paper work. She yells at Barret for telling Cloud, but she lays off Cloud...a little. 

[storytimefromthecreed]

I’ll Make a Man Out of You

“What are they doing?” Kassandra asked. Maria handed her a glass of lemonade just as Elise pulled out a seat. “Is there a battle? Should we not join?”

Before Maria could reply, Elise leaned over to rest her chin on Kassandra’s shoulder and said, “Oh, trust me, you’re going to want to see this.”

In the backyard stood the guys. Darim, Sef, Tazim, Yusuf, Jacob, Edward, Haytham, Altair, Shay, and Liam. Connor walked to and fro before them, like a lion in a cage, and he examined them closely, “Let’s get down to business, to defeat, the Huns. Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?”

“He wishes.” Shao Jun sipped on her drink, and the table laughed. Around the table where Maria, Kassandra, Elise, Aveline, Malik, Shao Jun, and Aya. 

As Connor walked, he looked each man up and down, catching their eye. “You're the saddest bunch I ever met.” Then he began nodding ominously, “But you can bet before we're through. Mister, I'll make a man out of you.” Heading for the center of the backyard, he turned around and placed his hands up, palming touching. Then, slowly raising one foot and keeping it at his knee, Connor continued, “Tranquil as a forest, but on fire within. Once you find your center, you are sure to win.” The row of guys attempted, poorly, to copy his stance. Jacob wiggled, Yusuf sway side to side, and Edward kept his foot by his ankle. Spying their progress, Connor nodded and returned to his normal stance. “You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot, and you haven't got a clue.”

Shay whispered to his side, “I’m scared. I don’t like how he said pale. Is he talking about me? Am I the weak link?”

“Shut up, Shay.” Sef cracked open an eye to glare at the Templar. He, Altair, and Darim were holding the pose to perfection.

“Somehow I'll make a man out of you.” Connor continued as if he’d heard nothing. The course in the backyard was made to test their limits, physically and mentally. A run to an agility course, climbing up a wall to monkey bars, crossing, and landing on the other side.

As they ran the course, Edward sang, “I'm never gonna catch my breath.���

Shay sang, “Say goodbye to those who knew me!”

Jacob huffed, closing his eyes are he ran, “Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym.”

Cupping her hand and raising from her chair, Aya yelled, “This guy's got 'em scared to death!”

And Yusuf tripped over the rope course, “Hope he doesn't see right through me.”

Leaping over the fallen Turk, Altair landed noiselessly to the second part of the training. Then froze when he saw the monkey bars were over the pool. “Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!”

Together they sang, “Be a man!”

Connor, watching their progress with a stony expression sang, “We must be swift as the coursing river!”

Without halting their stride, Darim and Sef leapt, their fingers gripping the bars, and crossed. “Be a man.”

Encouraged, Connor raised a hit, and sang, “With all the force of a great typhoon!”

Seeing that there was nothing to it, Liam and Haytham went next. Followed by Yusuf and Edward, Then, finally, Shay, Tazim, and Altair. Tazim and Shay took the monkey bars normally, but Altair deemed it safe to climb to over the bars and just ran across as to minimize his proximity to the water. “Be a man!”

“With all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon!” Connor threw a fist in the air and jumped in excitement. “Time is racing toward us till the Huns arrive! Heed my every order and you might survive!” Jacob was the last to cross the bars, and landed right as Connor sang the last word. Perhaps it was because the area was crowded, or maybe his strength had given out at the last second. Whatever the reason, his toes landed on the other side of the pool but his heels didn’t. Falling into the water, Jacob splashed about. The shouts and groans of his teammates were mangled by the water in his ears. There was a large splash, and Jacob fought hard against the hand that wrapped around his arm. It was then that he realized he could stand in the pool. Staring up at Connor disapproving face, Jacob gulped. Connor pointed out of the pool, and Jacob nodded. “You're unsuited for the rage of war, so pack up, go home, you're through.” Jacob climbed out of the pool as Connor followed, dripping water everywhere and singing softly to himself, disappointed, “How could I make a man out of you?”

Head hanging low, Jacob slowly made his way across the backyard with hopes that lemonade and sandwiches would lift his heavy heart. That or Elise or Maria would give him a hug. The guys behind him finished the course and were celebrating. Then, his name was called. For a moment, his spirits raised. “Jacob!” Tazim raised a hand to wave. Then, Jacob’s mood fell as Tazim asked, “Can you toss the ball this way?”

Looking down to hide his frown, Jacob grabbed the volleyball and served it to Tazim. The ball spun in the air with a whizz, and smacked Tazim in the chest, nearly making him lose his grip on it. The backyard went silent as Connor stared. Then, the light returned to his eyes and he smiled, “Jacob, get over here!”

“Hurray!” The guys cheered as Jacob ran across the fields, arms out behind him like how he’d seen football players do. They clapped him on the back and they leapt up and down, singing in unison, “Be a man, we must be swift as the coursing river!” They ran the course again. This time, Edward, Shay, and Jacob were pushed by their brothers with words of encouragement!

“You got this! We’re so close!” Sef coached Shay.

“Come on! Can’t lose to me, Father!” Haytham chucked at his dad.

“Jacob! I believe in you!” Liam slowed down his pace to match Jacob’s.

“Be a man! With all the force of a great typhoon.”

As they reached the obstacle course, Altair coached Yusuf, “Watch your toes! Don’t let your heels hit the ground.”

“Keep light, keep light!” Edward, to show off, twisted and turned in front of his son like he was dancing. “You’re being too stiff, Haytham, have some fun, will ya?”

“Be a man! With all the strength of a raging fire! Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!”

Finally, the dreaded finale. Running without stop, Darim and Sef crossed as they had done before. Haytham and Edward followed, but before they reached the other side, they pulled themselves up as Altair had, and rested on the top. Yusuf instructed Jacob how to warm up his wrists, and Liam, as he crossed, showed Jacob how to use his momentum.  Quickly now, they all sang, “Be a man! We must be swift as the coursing river!” Jacob and Altair swung, and then preceded to cross!

“Jacob! We can do this! Together!” Altair called, hurrying.

Jacob nodded as his friends sang, “Be a man! With all the force of a great typhoon!” They were almost there. Altair landed, and his sons grabbed his forearms and pulled him towards them and safely away from the water. Now, Jacob had to do the same. His arms began to wobble, and his panic set in. This made his hands slippery, and Jacob crossed as quickly as he could.

He was nearly there, so nearly there! Crossing Edward and Haytham, hearing them cheer above them, Jacob wished he could do this, but he couldn’t! Tazim and Shay cheering on behind him, Jacob tried not to look at their faces as he was at the last bar and fell. The cool metal left his hands, and he waited for the cold water to submerge him once more.

However, he wasn’t prepared for this.

Strong arms grabbed his forearms, and Jacob opened his eyes to confirm that through the bars, Edward grabbed his left forearm, and Haytham was holding his right! Edward’s bright blue eyes stared down at him as he grinned, “Didn’t think we’d let you down again, did you?”

“Now, swing your legs!” Haytham tried to keep a straight face, but his smile twitched his lips. Being part of a team wasn’t as bad as he thought he would be.

Doing as they asked, Jacob swung. Once. Twice. The third time, he leapt. His feet hit the other side, and before he could wonder if he’d hit the pool once more, Darim and Sef grabbed him and pulled him to land. Shay and Tazim finished the course as the Kenways leapt from the bars.

Once the entire team was safe, the guys formed a large circle and began to cheer, hug, and jump! From the sidelines, the gals all melted. “Aw, ok, that was cute.” Shao Jun admitted.

“I’m just glad they’ve found some way to get their energy out without breaking the house.” Malik added, pretending not to enjoy the show. 

The backyard gate opened and in strolled the remaining members of the house. Upon looking at the scene behind them, Demetri rose a brow. “Tell me, did we miss their warm up?”

“I do wish they wouldn’t take team sports so seriously.” Aveline replied and Kassandra sat upright.

“Wait, this is for a game?” Kassandra asked and the table chuckled.

“Don’t say that in front of them.” Elise sipped her drink, “But yes.”

“I suppose now we must take our time defeating them.” Aya propped her cheek on her fist. Bayek took his place beside her and nodded.

“Can’t let all that team building all to waste. Ok ladies,” Maria rose and the table followed suit. Some cracked their necks, other rolled their wrists. “Let’s get in formation. Elise, you’re our setter?” Elise nodded. “Great, Aya, how are you spikes?”

“Between Shao Jun and I, those guys won’t know what hit them.”

“I’ll take back with Kassandra.” Aveline winked at Kassandra. “I’ve a wicked serve.”

“Then it’s settled.” Maria put her hand in the middle. They all followed suit. “Let’s teach the Brotherhood about the Sisterhood.”

[sentofighta]

wishlist plot ideas edition.

einar

fight where he has to use his magitek arm which he never uses unless it was a desperate situation.

got arrested by Suzaku and now he is a hostage and most likely without his arm thread. maybe interrogation and jail escape. nice.

where thou milites folks? thread please.

thread with someone who has a prosthetic limb like him. exchange tips and maybe stories.

cat thread. any cat lover out there give him a call.

eight

give me street fight thread. that's all lmao kof maybe hm? y?y?

someone be his sensei. despite how calm he is he really admires people and probably will call you sensei if he can learn something new from you

deep threads about why he no likey sharp weapons ? 

training threads are cool. sparring ok. attacking him out of the blue ok. request fist fight ok.

wisdom sharing come here

good boy content

agito yall.

hey. what if world.

hey. 

machina

agito please. when he is just pervy kid who wanna befriend everyone

2nd class threads i dont mind ~

incognito phase ? ? anyone ? ? 

the new world ...ooh...the hurty.

hey x 2 what if world

chocobo nerding is ok

that good fix that misunderstanding thread when?

training threads cool

zack

perhaps before he leaves his village kind of thing? kid zack

his earlier days training before becoming SOLDIER

double zacks thread give me

cough tseng cough cissnei feels cough

the turks where thou are you?

any SOLDIERS out there?

henlo where is our friend Kunsel? send me an email dude

fighting threads are berry nice.

date. give him a date goddammit! 

zack funclub threads where?

d a t e. haha.

roland

sniping duel thread

animals lover where are you?

confronting him about his tiny little mistrusting thing

discuss his ocd maybe funny becomes critical thread because he cant control it if he panics;

gardening !!! he likes farming. thanks mom.

uhh what do you think i should tackle too??

lucina

FUTURE TIMELINE AHHAHA

literally every angst plot you can think of.

i still kind of wanna make a separate Current/Present Lucina muse from Future Lucina. looks at TRC Sakuras. yes. they are quite different haha. maybe even edit her pictures hhhohoho yes a thead with baby or older present lucina. 

listen. anything is game with this girl. give me. 

Leanne

giiiiiiiiiiirls talk!!!!! girls girls girls!

shopping! let’s go shopping and have that deep talk later on

sharing secrets~ talking about the pasts?

talk about how annoying boys can be smh. then air their dirty laundry. teehee~ (love you vash and zephy)

what makes you strong kind of thread

philosophy talk?

missions! hunting missions are cool!

friendship threads give me. girl needs more friends sobs.

Zephyr

someone just tell him to stop jumping from high places to kill himself.

philosophy talk x2

friendship/sibling vibe thread cause lord he needs that good influence in his life.

immortality talk

atoning to sins talk

hunting missions please. work with or for does not matter.

literally, any plot because he is flexiable-ish. 

Lindow

oooh pre game setting hmmmm~ kid lindow oh ye.

rookie god eater lindow too.

captain lindow is nice too.

anyone wanna corrupted lindow? suuuure~ 

revived back lindow with a cool arm? yep.

dad lindow anytime for anyone. he is here for you.  

give me please sakuya sama. 

Tatsumi

baby god eater tatsu is funny because he could not fight lol 

trust in your defense captain yo.

date. someone date this boy. HIBARIIIIIIIII~ <3 GIVE ME HIBARAII 

Sohrab

a l c h e m y.

how to run from animals 101. animals hate him. abuse this.

he can sew your clothes. abuse this too.

can make food out of alchemy. abuse this. as well.

fighting thread is cool because his initial response is RUN AWAY.

Feiruz

please more farming content.

talk about cute things!!!!!!!!!!

might as well make her the MC for o.bey me and a.yakashi because frick this hahahahahahaha. or make another oc. :thinking:

please any fellow farmers interact.

i dont mind lovey dovey. she is quite romantic. 

Balan

alfred interact. now.

pre zenthira(i forgot its name dont @ me) is cool too.

spyrites / spyrix talk

science talk. talk to him science.

bet. let’s bet on something. gamble hours.

man. i just want to explore more about the spirits with lord of the spirits where thou are you milla sama?

jude interact. we have a lot of papers to look at. lots of projects to make up.

ludger interact. i wanna hire you.

julius. wanna share funny stories???????

[erinciahero]

A quick and accurate summary of Final Fantasy VII

Disc 1:  Meet Cloud. Cloud’s a cool guy. 

Cloud is also a terrorist. Now watch Cloud and his employer, Barret, blow a reactor up. The same reactor provides energy for thousands of people, but money is important to Cloud. Cloud and terrorists flee the scene of the crime. Terrorists celebrate as the reactor blows up.

Cloud meets cute, pink girl. Cloud does not pick up what cute, pink girl is putting down. Cloud purchases her flower. Cloud is chased down by the police. Cloud jumps onto a running train. His employer thinks he’s dead. Cloud is not enthused and demands his paycheck. Employer reschedules pay day. Cloud is annoyed. Cloud goes to a bar. Cloud is convinced by cute, old friend, owner of bar, to blow more stuff up with Barret. Cloud drives a hard bargain. Cloud gets a raise. Second mission fails. Cloud goes to church and meets cute, pink girl again. Cloud helps pink girl escape. Pink girl brings Cloud home to mom. Cloud doesn’t pick up what pink girl is laying down. Cloud sleeps over. Cloud sneaks out of house next morning. Cloud steals money from little boy. Pink girl catches up to Cloud and tells Cloud about girl power. Pink girl helps to find his old friend. On their way, Cloud and pink girl fight a mechanical house that fires missiles at them. Cloud doesn’t comment. Cloud discovers that old friend is at red light district. Cloud cross-dresses and learns to strut and sashay to find old friend. Cloud finds old friend.

Old friend laughs at Cloud.

Pink girl asks Cloud’s old friend if they’re dating. Old friend denies. Cloud and girls try to seduce intel out of old fat man. Old man is picking up but Cloud isn’t putting down.

Cloud and girls were booby-trapped.

Cloud and girls walk through sewer and kill the fat man’s pet. Cloud finds lizard men living in the sewers. No one cares. Cloud and girls run through train graveyard because government will blow up old friend’s bar. Cloud fights ghosts in train graveyard. Cloud doesn’t comment. Cloud fights a man fused with a car. Cloud doesn’t comment. Cloud and pink girl separate so pink girl can save Barret’s daughter. Cloud watches colleagues die as he tries to undo the bomb. Cloud sees pink girl get kidnapped. Cloud beats up a turk, but fails to get rid of the bomb. Sector 7 blows up. More people die.

The government blames the terrorists who blew up the reactor. The terrorists are sad. Cloud leaves his employer and old friend to rescue pink girl. Employer and old friend find Cloud and join him on his stealth mission. Cloud makes a pit stop at pink girl’s house to tell her mom she got kidnapped. He promises the mom that he will rescue pink girl. Barret finds his daughter in the house. He’s elated and also promises to rescue pink girl.

Cloud infiltrates a government building by running up 52 stories through the stairwell. His employer complains. His old friend calls their employer a retard. They argue. Cloud gets annoyed at them both. Cloud finds pink girl and red dog during a mating experiment. Cloud frees both before they have to mate. Dog talks and his tail is perpetually on literal fire. Cloud doesn’t comment. Cloud gets thrown in jail for trying to save pink girl. Cloud flirts with pink girl in front of old friend. Old friend feels uncomfortable. The vibe is killed.

Cloud escapes poorly managed jail next morning. There's a lot of blood now. Cloud finds a dead president impaled with an exaggeratedly long katana. Cloud is accused for the murder of the president. In response, Cloud beats up the president's son. Cloud leaves the city.

Cloud goes one town over: Kalm. Cloud tells coworkers about his military past. One coworker doesn't believe him but doesn't confront him about it. Cloud continues on his journey to find the president impaler. On his journey he meets a big snake. Cloud wrangles a wild chocobo to avoid the big snake. Cloud sees giant snake corpse impaled on a dead tree. His teammates are impressed and terrified. Cloud doesn’t comment. Cloud meets more Turks. Ignores their lightly veiled threats to kill him. Cloud goes to a beach to sneak into a military base. Cloud finds little girl drowned by giant serpent monster. Cloud gives little girl CPR. It works. Cloud sneaks incognito into military base. His performance during a parade gets a news anchor fired. Cloud sneaks incognito onto ship with new president. Cloud sees red dog pretend to be human. Cloud doesn't comment. Cloud sees Barret in a sailor suit. Cloud comments.

Cloud sees Sephiroth, the president impaler, for the first time. Cloud is grossed out by Jenova for the first time. Cloud goes to beach. It's hot.

Cloud takes a break at the beach. He kicks a soccer ball onto the red dog to annoy the red dog. He makes fun of his employer’s new outfit. He tells the pink girl his preferences in women. He checks out other women around his old friend. Cloud threatens a deranged scientist for intel on Sephiroth. Cloud succeeds.

Cloud climbs a mountain the next morning. Here he meets an old man who was ignored by Sephiroth. Cloud ignores old man too. Cloud goes through an old roller coaster train track. Cloud steals Phoenix downs from baby chocobos on his way down (you know you did this). Cloud gets to coal mines. People hate Barret at the coal mines. Barret says why. Cloud barely cares. Cloud goes to Golden saucer, which was built on top of the Barret’s hometown. Cloud takes pink girl to look around. Barret leaves the team in rage. Cloud meets a cat sitting on top of a giant moogle. His fortune is told. Cloud is irritated and is joined by new team member. Cloud finds dead soldier. Cloud suspects Barret. Cloud is framed for murder and is jailed again.

Cloud bargains with jail keeper. Jail keeper ignores Cloud's lightly veiled threat. Cloud finds Barret in jail. Barret’s backstory is triggered again. Barret is released from all suspicions of murder and blames it all on the government. Cloud finds the real cop-killer. Barret kills murderer.

Barret is also a murderer.

Cloud escapes prison via chocobo racing. Cloud gets buggy. Cloud drives buggy around. Cloud goes to Gongaga. It's a sad sight. Pink girl talks about ex. Cloud didn't ask for this backstory. Cloud drives buggy. Cloud possibly meets ninja kleptomaniac. Cloud drives buggy more. Cloud's buggy breaks down in the Grand Canyon (what vehicle wouldn't, Cloud?). Cloud finds mechanics in dog's hometown. Dog's backstory is triggered. Cloud meets dog's grandpa. He's a floating human. Cloud doesn't comment.

Cloud goes to cave. Cloud sees friends turned into stone. Cloud unpetrifies them. Cloud runs into giant monster that wants to kill him. Cloud heals the monster. The monster dies. Cloud finds dog’s dad who was turned into stone. Cloud leaves.

Cloud’s buggy is repaired and he crosses a river with it. Cloud arrives in hometown. Hometown looks fine. But everyone is a liar. Cloud sees many confused men dressed in black cloaks. Cloud ignores them. Cloud goes to big mansion in town. Cloud meets man asleep in a coffin. He was a former turk. Now he’s immortal. Cloud gets gutted by materia thrown by Sephiroth in the library. Cloud chases after Sephiroth through Mt. Nibel. Cloud may or may not have killed dragon from the past. Cloud fights little mosquitoes and leeches. Cloud kills the giant mosquito. Cloud and old friend don’t comment.

Cloud goes to town with a rocket. Inhabitants are going through an epidemic: they're bored. Cloud meets old pilot. Old pilot curses a lot and demands strangers to drink tea. Cloud wants to steal the old pilot’s little plane. The maid tells Cloud to ask him for permission. Old pilot denies the query. President's son shows up. Cloud prevents president's employee from stealing plane. So Cloud steals plane. Old pilot escapes with Cloud. Plane gets turned into a boat.

Cloud finds clues about Sephiroth. Sephiroth may or may not be on secret island. Pink girl wants to go to secret island. Cloud finds out he needs the key to this island. Cloud finds key at Golden saucer. Golden Saucer CEO throws Cloud into a monster gauntlet in exchange for laughs and the key. Golden Saucer CEO is not entertained. CEO gives Cloud the key.

Cloud wants to leave Golden Saucer but can't. Cloud stays at a hotel run by a hang-man, a ghost, a vampire, and a mummy. Cloud doesn’t comment. Cloud recaps the story thus far to new members. Old members still don't get it. Old friend doesn't comment on Cloud's past again. Pink girl and old pilot go to bed early. Pink girl didn’t sleep and asks Cloud for a date. Cloud is befuddled. Pink girl assumes Cloud is a virgin and drags him out. Cloud becomes a knight. Pink girl is a princess. They're in a play. Play ends. Pink girl wants to go sightseeing. Cloud tags along. Pink girl confesses feelings and wants a relationship. Cloud is cut off by fireworks in his response to her request.

Cloud and pink girl walk back to hotel. Cloud finds out moogle-cat stole from him and is a spy. Spy has Barret's daughter as a hostage. Cloud keeps spy in team.

Cloud goes to secret island. Cloud watches a confused man dressed in black take his last breath. Cloud suspects Sephiroth is around. Pink girl cries because a Turk might die. Cloud is baffled. Cloud runs through maze. Cloud is annoyed. Cloud evades giant rolling C-shaped boulders. Cloud is tired and annoyed. Pink girl apologizes. Cloud sees what happened to Turk. Cloud doesn't comment. Cloud finds old cetra. Old cetra plays tag with Cloud. Cloud is tired and annoyed. Cloud goes to mural room. Cloud meets Sephiroth. Sephiroth tells plan to take over the world and become god. Cloud is not Cloud. Cloud snaps out of it. Cloud fights bahamut.

Cloud found weapon of mass destruction: it's the temple itself. The spy’s redemption arc is triggered. Spy offers himself up as sacrifice to get weapon of mass destruction. Cloud happily agrees. Cloud escapes. Temple turns into black materia. Cloud takes it. Sephiroth shows up. Cloud is not Cloud Not-Cloud gives black materia to Sephiroth. Not-Cloud hits pink girl. Coworker hits Not-Cloud for hitting pink girl. Not-Cloud is unconscious.

Cloud dreams about pink girl. Pink girl is being cryptic and leaves. Cloud tries to chase after pink girl but can't get her. Sephiroth appears. Cloud wakes up. Barret yells at him and consoles him. Old friend is worried about pink girl. Cloud is scared he might lose it again but goes after pink girl anyway. Cloud sails north (skip yuffie forever). Cloud finds village with dinosaur bones. Cloud digs for key to never-ending forest. Cloud goes through forest. Cloud sees ancient ruins. They all look like seashells? Cloud doesn't comment. Cloud looks for pink girl but can't find her. Cloud tries to sleep. Cloud hears pink girl's voice. Cloud follows her voice. Cloud finds pink girl praying. Cloud hops on over to her. Cloud turns into Not-Cloud. Not-Cloud almost slices her in half. Cloud snaps out of it. Cloud sees pink girl smile. Pink girl is killed by Sephiroth. Cloud is shocked, sad, and angry. Cloud isn't phased by Jenova because he's angry. Jenova dies again. Cloud watches co-workers say their goodbyes to pink girl. Cloud lays pink girl to rest by himself. Cloud goes back to a shell house. Cloud vows to kill Sephiroth even if it kills him in the process. Cloud is angry. Everyone is intimidated by Cloud. There is tension.

Enter disc 2 to see angry tension in team.

[dagyo]

RULES: Answer 20 questions then tag 20 blogs you want to get to know better.

I got tagged by I forgot, whoops ( I think it was @fruiitl00ps )

1. Name: Amor

2. Nicknames: Mo ( my name is kind of a nickname as well, but I’m not gonna tell you my full first name heh heh)

3. Zodiac sign: Virgo

4. Height: 5’2”

5. Languages: English (I blame my dad for not teaching me spanish growing up =| )

6. Nationality: Mexican

7. Favourite season(s): I like the idea and daydream version of Summer, but in reality I hate being hot. I get grumpy and tired. Fall I guess?

8. Favourite flower(s): The pretty colorful ones they sell at stater brothers lol

9. Favourite scent(s): I like fruity/citrus-y smells I suppose

10. Favourite colour: Electric blue

11. Favourite animal(s): dogs are cool

12. Favourite fictional character: Gir from Invader Zim, Chowder, and Flapjack I guess (can you tell my mental capacity?)

13. Coffee, tea or hot chocolate: Tea for the win. Especially with oat milk

14. Average sleep: lately its been like 10 hrs lol

15. Cats or dogs: Doggos

16. Number of blankets: Like 2 lately cuz its cold. But when it’s hot, just like a sheet

17. Dream trip:  The Maldives, Bora Bora, or Turks and Caicos. Any of those places that have those huts on the water are like my ultimate fantasy trip.

18. Blog established: I think like 2011-2012?

19. How many followers: Idk, not much. Prolly like 5

20. Random fact about yourself: I once ripped my frenulum (that piece of skin under your tongue) when I was younger cuz i was a dumbass and shoved something in my mouth. I dont remember any pain but i remember blood and just a faint few moments of being in the ER. Like i remember going to the operating table and the light they shine above you, but thats it. How stupid huh?

I'll tag only like the people who might actually read this and reblog and do it. If not, who cares?

@italian-fiore @averagemrfox @blk--qweer @ilovetaimiabro 

[bastardsunlight]

//LONG-ass headcanon sesh for D, Alucard (Hellsing) and Adrian (CV’s Alucard) all kinda rolled into one.

So, since I don’t have radiantDecay anymore, I’ve sort of pulled back from the verse where Adrian BECOMES D. There was a lot of movement and timeline adjustment that had to happen for that one, and while it is in some way still possible, I’m not terribly interested in upkeeping a unique interpretation for a character that’s never really going to come into play. If you’re writing with D, it’s thousands of years after he was Adrian. If you’re writing with Adrian, it’s pre-1999 pretty much.

So, I have some documents someplace that I had written regarding D’s origins. The novels heavily imply that he’s somehow enhanced—y’know the movies hint at him just being super powerful Mary Sue turbo ultra dhampir simply because he is the son of “Our Sacred Ancestor” whomst we all pretty much know is Dracula himself right? Certain novels even hint that Mina Harker is his mother, if they don’t just outright state it. It might be the clunky translation (they really should have been more carefully transliterated because WOW some of those sentences just… don’t), but thus far it’s not been made CRYSTAL PERFECT CLEAR. However, I’m more than willing to run with that idea.

Dracula is, by the time Mina et. Al. come up against him, quite old, nigh ancient. I think that the Dracula of the Bram Stoker novel is or, rather, was the historical Vlad III Dracula Tepes (the impaler), born in the 1420s, “died” in the 1470s, iirc. Supposedly, the sultan at the time… Mehmed Fatih, kept his head in a box for a while before pinning him up on the walls of Constantinople, which the Turks controlled at the time. Ugly period in history for Eastern Europe… With Wallachia and Transylvania, in particular, two kingdoms in Romania, times were triple trouble. They were sandwiched between the Ottoman Empire to the east, then west was Eastern Orthodox Christendom—further west was Roman Catholicism and if you think THOSE guys didn’t fight, ding dong ur wrong!

BUT this period of violence produced one of the most well-known and controversial heroes (sometimes called a war criminal) of all time. Also he had a great ‘stache. Now when I write Hellsing’s Alucard, I roll with this same lore, so D and that Alucard could absolutely exist in the same ‘verse. It’s kind of a “darkest timeline” deal, a world in which the Belmont clan never existed. Before that even, Lisa never made Dracula’s acquaintance so the guy’s motivations are a little different. In addition, he is NOT Mathias Cronqvist, a tactician during the first crusades in 1090 AD. In that case, he would have revamped (PUN) his whole personality and integrated himself into one of the other great houses of Wallachia/Transylvania and re-emerged four hundred years later as Vlad the Impaler. That could work fine—not like he hasn’t got time—and that would have been around the time he met, and lost, Lisa. Now whether THAT part of history looks the same is dubious, since Vlad’s exploits during the period of his reign/deposition/reign/deposition/beheading are pretty decently documented. In this case, I’m going to say the Belmonts’ existence is in a timeline where those conflicts also may have played out differently. As these are all fictional worlds, I guess this’s up to ME atm. Nice.

So this is part “how I write D” and part “how I’d be inclined to write Alucard (Hellsing) in interactions that take place BEFORE the manga—like WAY before”. Since Adrian would have been a major contributing factor to the Belmonts’ strength from Trevor onward (so in the games idk if folks know this, but Adrian is Trevor’s father, with Sonia Belmont being his mom), that would also have contributed, at least in part, to the ability of the Belmonts to stomp Dracula and his minions.

With D, there is no need to include Mathias and his ebony/crimson stone conundrum, which does tend to throw a small monkey wrench in the ol’ gears (but not big enough I can’t adapt, trust me). The difference, aside from lack of Belmonts, is the origin of vampires. Clearly, they’re a magical construct or a spell-woven form of sentient life in Castlevania. In Vampire Hunter D, it’s heavily implied (once again, not outright stated) that the Nobility, some of them anyway, are simply a mutation of humanity (Dark Gene vs Light Gene, Lina’s whole deal, among other passages here and there), who also happen to be allergic to garlic, crucifixes, running water, and basic-ass Bram Stoker weaknesses. They’ve even got labs full o’ Nobles tryin’a conquer the sun issue.

So to know D, we gotta know his dad first. At the beginning, Vlad III is born to (big surprise) Vlad II. He and his brother are sent to Edirne as part of the Ottoman Empire’s “tribute” of however many young  boys from noble houses, to be trained in the ways of Islam and Turkish mannerisms, etc. This is more for pacification of that region of Europe, which is still Eastern Orthodox, than it is for real “peace”. It’s “peace because you guys are a good buffer zone between us and the rest of Eastern Orthodox-dom”, anyway. Every _voivode_ of Wallachia has to swear allegiance to either the Ottoman Empire or to the Eastern Orthodox church. While most of that area is EO, it’s in their best interest to swear to the Ottoman Empire. They’re bigger and closer. Vlad’s dad has done some underhanded shit, but he’s also a member of the Order of the Dragon and has propelled it to new heights within the EO and that’s where Vlad gets his name: Dracula, which is Son of the Dragon. So Vlad II’s immediate family are known as the Draculesti, which is fucking cool—it’s like “children of the dragon” and that’s not even his like, NAME name—it’s a frickin’ nickname, or sobriquet, as is Tepes.

In the world of Vampire Hunter D, vampirism appears to be a genetic phenomenon—ironically, a mutation. No Noble is going to admit that, OBVIOUSLY. And while it’s true, they were probably born that way, they’re still a mutant human derivative. Rather than mutating due to radiation or whatevermstthefuck like the actual mutants in VHD, they’re just born that way. So what I’m rolling with is Vlad III was born with that particular mutation and, kind of like my OC Toby, who is also a genetic vampire, it takes a violent or unnatural death to trigger the actual symptoms, else you’re just a normal-ass person. In fact, in this interpretation, I’m going to say that maybe quite a few people are BORN with that mutation, but if they live to a ripe old age and die, it never triggers. Most likely, the body is too enfeebled to handle it, maybe it dies after menopause/andropause? Either way, the body has broken down too much and there’s no material to work with.

That might also go a long way to explain the animosity many old vampires have toward humanity. Sometimes it’s straight up contempt, of course, but every single time, it seems to be a removal. Carmilla is a good example. Most of the time, her backstory involves a vicious assault that might very well have killed her. Imagine dying that way and waking back up to find that you had to KEEP living in the world that did this to you, that death is FAR far off. I can understand being VERY PERTURBED, to put it mildly. By the same token, what about war? How many folks die in war? Thousands? Millions? Of all those, how many have the mutation? Probably quite a few. Some folks might not figure out what’s going on and stay where they are, buried for decades, before just wasting away without sustenance—Vampires DO require blood, after all, to keep doin’ their thing. Plenty more are probably just torched in the sun. Since they were KIA, it might be rough finding their bodies in the first place…

So Vlad is beheaded—now this part intersects VERY well with Hellsing’s Alucard in my portrayal—and Mehmed Fatih keeps his head close at hand for a bit, probably talking to it. What happens when it starts talking back? We know Dracula has some SERIOUSLY kickass abilities and putting himself back together would definitely be one of ‘em, in my humble opinion. Mehmed dies not long after he achieves “victory” over Vlad the Impaler and no one knows where Vlad’s remains are. Maybe they up and walked the fuck away, hm? Maybe it was HE who ensured Mehmed’s destruction. How poetic would THAT be? Spoiler alert ||very||.

Now imagine going through everything he did—the guy had a tumultuous life. He might be one of the few, lucky ones who figure out that sunlight is a no-go, hide himself away, eventually go back to haunt his castle in the mountains between Transylvania and Wallachia. Now fast forward to the 1800s, MODERN TIMES (heehee okay) and one very ambitious realtor who wants to sell a creepy old abbey to some weird foreigner. Seems legit. Anyway by now we can see that Dracula’s gotten kinda nutty? He has three scary “wives” but he doesn’t seem to care much for ‘em. They’re obviously vampires, too, though I cannot recall if they’re turned by him or if they’re LIKE him—anyone who’s read it recently, do feel free to refresh me.

He’s kinda senile and while he’s crafty, he’s outsmarted by a dandy, an ancient-ass doctor, a dude who cannot stop fainting, a man named Quincey (my husbando), and Jack Seward—nuff said. He has some kind of congress with Mina, though ofc it’s the Victorian age so the only penetration is that of his li’l toofers on her poor neck. Nom. I don’t think Dracula banged Mina Harker. I think that, in THIS world, a dhampir is a nigh-impossibility, because at this point (and their cool-ass vampire science might’ve changed this), vampires are The Undead™ and therefore cannot CREATE LIFE. Not even if they have a raging turboner (that’s a turbo boner, for those of u not in the know). So he bit Mina, but before he did that, Mina married Jonathan—like as soon as he got home. They were married and living together and doing the frickle frackle, presumably, before Drac shows up in London to mess up their day.

In this case and for the sake of sanity, to create a dhampir, the vampire must chew on a pregnant lady. The curse lifts from her when the master is killed, but his blood has already entered and changed the child; the process is much longer and more involved for an adult human, who has an immune system and much more ground to cover. If the smol bean was in embryo stage or even fetal, it had no defense and mom’s body provided it with everything, Dracula’s blood, included. The final set of letters in Dracula mentiones a young boy, Jonathan and Mina’s son, Quincey, named after their fallen friend. So little Quincey is a dhampir!

Now, a bitten vampire cannot, in this universe, turn anyone else. They can feed and create thralls, but they can’t make VAMPIRES. In Hellsing lore, if a vamp bites you and you’re a virgin, you become one—if not, you become a ghoul/zambolio thingamajigger. Integra narrates this for us pretty early on. But it’s not Alucard’s venom doing this. It’s the vicar of Cheddar Village, who is a manufactured vampire. He’s not a true vampire, not like Alucard. Now, Alucard DOES ask Seras if she’s a virgin ‘fore he kills and bites her, which makes sense… IF HE LOVED MINA.

Hear me out. So, he saw this strong-ass bitch and thought “goddamn I’m sick of my whiny, vicious wives UGH I need me a woman like that”. So he’s gunna turn her. It probably takes longer since he hasn’t been powered up by Hellsing and their dark science-magic shit, or whatever it was… OR as he chomps on ‘er, he realizes “well fuck me she’s preggo, so even if she changes, I can’t have her”. Pregnant blood has GOTTA taste different, all those hormones and shit, even early on. I think he did have some weird admiration-affection for her. His arrogance and greed, however, has taken him over, so perhaps he decides to change her slow, to make the fellas suffer. They’ve fucked with him so he’s gunna fuck with them, but I think it pains him a little to do so, because lbr Mina’s the woman of his dreams.

So when Quincey is born, he’s perfect, healthy, rosy-cheeked, and by god only Mina knows something’s amiss. Damned if she’s going to say shit to Jonathan, who’s liable to faint, the absolute fucking walnut. They live fairly well, having taken over the real-estate business from their wonderful, generous, dead benefactor. 

Much like Carmilla’s weirdo ghost, however, Dracula’s spirit absolutely lives on.

TL; DR D was born Quincey Harker. 

[kob131]

So because I’m pissed, I’m gonna break down this bullshit ad and explain WHY it doesn’t work.

So we begin this ad off with an old bearded man looking in the mirror as some news lines plays in the background, talking about ‘bullying, the MeToo movement and toxic masculinity’.

Let’s break these down:

Bullying exists between women. In fact, from what I’ve heard, bullying usually occurs between people of the SAME sex, being ostrachized from the group fofr not fitting in or just being an easy target to attack either way. So relating this to men ignores roughly 50% of bullying cases.

I’d say MeToo may have had a point except that MeToo is limited almost exclusively to Hollywood in terms of media coverage so that is nowhere near representative of the country as well as the fact that MeToo has created a toxic atmosphere in which a man can be accused of sexual assault and have his life destroyed by accusation alone, even if the accusation comes from a misunderstanding or worse. And I do say a man because trying to convince people that a woman can sexually assault a man is about as likely as finding Jesus in a shack down south huffing paint fumes: not gonna happen.

As for Toxic Masculinity: We’ll discuss THAT at the end.

Next the ad asks ‘Is this the best a man can get?’ Which...is just stupid. The phrase should be ‘Is this the best a man can be?’ since you can’t GET these things unlike a physical object. This feels like someone’s first writing assignment with the stretched coincidence.

Then we cut to a crowd of guys chasing another guy...for no reason. If this is suppose to be an aggressive case of bullying: this is not how bullying works. At all. I speak from personal experience. Not to mention the group of guys don’t even look aggressive: they look like a bunch of goofballs. 

Then we have a scene of a mother cradling her son as he gets messages about he’s a freak, a loser and a sissy. All of which is hilarious considering the commercial itself. Also the group from before run through, completely unnoticed by the two people in the house.

Next we have an old school animated scene of catcalling and a cliché of Al Bundy grabbing a woman’s ass on TV with more talk of MeToo in the background...which doesn’t make sense. Even in old school animation, perverted characters were treated as villians or disgusting and the catcalling was usually followed by physical punishment. I mean, look at Pepe Le Pew whose aggressiveness and stench makes him miserable. And Al Bundy? Really? The guy who was bossed around by women during his entire run with his central character theme being ‘man who gets fucked by women’? He’s gonna be your example of sexual harassment? I think Al Bundy is an example of sexual harassment if you really stretch things yeah...but only in that he’s a victim. Any perverted attempts he makes always fail and usually badly. This is the complete of what they’re going for.

This is especially true when we cut into the set of the TV show with the Al Bundy actor making a sexual motion towards the woman and apparently the studio full of men laugh their asses off. Ignoring what I said above in how this doesn’t make sense- I can’t think of a single guy who’d laugh at this. Not only is the motion out of nowhere but the humor of Al Bundy is more his dry wit and his misery. 

Now we move to a business meeting room with a guy seeing ‘what I think she means is-’ which I assume is a reference to mansplaining but it’s so badly done it comes across as either stupid or propaganda due to the fact that we don’t know what lead up to that. For all we know, the woman snarked in the face of someone who was about to fire her ass and the guy stepped in to prevent that. Or she spoke in Aramaic and now the guy is translating- I don’t know.

Moving on, we have the ad saying ‘making the same old excuse’ as two boys fight and the men just say ‘boys will be boys’ then a line of men with grills all say the same damn thing in unison, carrying quite a few implications here. And I don’t mean implications like ‘this is what I got’, I mean ‘this is what the ad is indirectly saying’:

1. That men would just let their kids beat on each other without doing anything to stop it

2. That aggressiveness is inherently bad.

3. That guys always try to hurt each other in fights

4. All men think the same.

NONE of which is good or even acceptable. 

Even in media, the dads are the ones who break up fights because surprise they give a shit about their kids.

And being aggressive isn’t bad. Fuck, we wouldn’t be the dominant species if we weren’t aggressive.

Guys usually don't try to hurt each other, especially little kids. Yeah they might not know their strength but it’s all in good fun. Hell I use to sit on my cousin.

And...do I even need to say anything?

After that mess, we have a woman reporting on sexual harassment as it shrinks down to show this happening several times on different stations...as though men in general are sexual predators. Which-again, they're not. And P.S. I even think the woman from before works for the Young Turks, a famously biased and untrustworthy news source which just makes this feel even more uncomfortable.

Then the ad says ‘we believe in the best in men’ which is fucking hilarious considering the ad, before a famous male actor on a TV (I dunno which one, I don’t pay attention to actors) says ‘Men need to hold other men responsible’ as though that isn’t already a very common action (in fact, in my family at least men are held more accountable than the women.)

Then we have a scene where two guys are...talking? with two women and agroup of guys push them away, which is actually kind of sexist. The women don’t speak so it gives off this impression that these guys were standing up for these women before they made their intentions clear. Yeah they looked disgusted but they don’t even have the opportunity to make their thoughts clear before these guys decided for them. So apparently ‘saying the right thing’ means ‘be sexist’ I guess.

Then we have a guy trying to walk up to a woman and his friend says ‘bro, not cool not cool’ which makes no sense considering how dating works were the guy is suppose to be the one doing the asking out and, once again, the woman’s agency and input is not even shown or considered.

Then we that crowd from before, a shot of a man looking behind himself as the crowd runs in slow motion before cutting to a real life clip of two guys shaking hands and a dad being a dad. Next we have the barbeque dads from before with one of them separating the kids, the crowd finally stopping and finally being bullies as a man rushes in with his little kid son to help him. Then the ad ends with an attempt at appealing to men’s sense of responsibility about being role models before ending.

Now that it’s over, let’s talk toxic masculinity. ACTUAL toxic masculinity. You know, the ideas usually associated with men (stotic, aggressive, tough and so on) taken to their extreme.

Like say, painting all men as aggressive sexual predators.

Or painting all men as uncaring, unaware douchebags.

Or painting all men as giant dumbasses.

Yeah, for an ad talking AGAINST toxic masculinity, it really likes to enforce and propagate the ideas of toxic masculinity as though that is ALL men are: ignorant, sexually predatory, uncaring, lazy dumbasses. All while adhering to one very toxic and very deadly misconception about men: that they have to take abuse from everything and just tough it out. This ad basically insults men for the actions of a few and tells them that they are all terrible for this while ignoring that a lot of the issues with men, like suicide and depression, come from the idea that they can’t talk about their issues and they just have to deal with them on their own. And this is WITHOUT considering how sexist it is against women, considering the women in the ad are nothing more than props for the ad’s point to make, undeserving of context or agency. Or the lack of knowledge, like how boys are just naturally full of energy normally orthat the media depictions they use don’t work. 

So yeah, no shit this ad became infamous. Especialy since it comes from a company marketed TO men.

[thesportssoundoff]

Holiday Shopping For The UFC’s Dozen Weight Classes

Joey

December 20th, 2018

The HAPPIEST of holidays to you and yours and I hope whatever you’re celebrating turns out to be the best one yet. This time of year isn’t every for everybody so if you’re a dude or lady out there struggling, remember that there’s always help to be found out there. If the holidays got ya down then don’t feel weak going out there getting yourself the help you need to make it through. We are, as they say, in this together and there are probably more folks out there just like you than ya realize. On the other hand, if you’re like me and this time of year is your favorite time of the year then here’s hoping these last five anticipatory days aren’t too gruesome for ya. Hopefully you did your shopping early enough to where it’s all about the waiting game and you aren’t that guy who waits to the last minute, runs into a CVS and grabs your mom or dad the first gift card that catches your eye on the rack.

MMA in 2018 was...strange and like most of combat sports, filled with plenty of unfulfilled wishes and genuinely cool moments overall. For all we gripe, I’d argue that ONE, Bellator, UFC, PFL and *insert regional organizaton here* delivered enough that we as fans should’ve been satisfied. For as much as we may gripe about the UFC, there’s zero doubt that they gave us plenty of good shit down the stretch of another long grueling schedule. With all of that laid bare, I wanted to do something different and instead of talking about what I want from MMA under my proverbial holiday tree, I’d spin it around and look at what each weight class in the UFC would be asking for. What does each weight class NEED for 2019?

Women's Strawweight

Big Gift: Finishes

The UFC's strawweight class has had it rough in 2018 which is weird because the talent level has never been higher. The hardcore journey into Asia has netted some new talent for the coffers from China and South Korea primarily plus Brazil churned out a collection of intriguing yet raw 115 lb fighters. The division also has seen a rise of domestic talents like Maycee Barber, Mackenzie Dern (She was BORN here so hush) and Tatiana Suarez all having fantastic years with proven names like Karolina K, Michelle Waterson, Jessica Andrade, Courtney Casey, Angela Hill and Tecia Torres stepping up. We even got a return from Cynthia Calvillo to further deepen what is a very talented and deep class. Even without Rose Namajunas, lost into early to mid 2019 due to neck problems, the division has seen plenty of damn good fights and intriguing names step up. The problem is that nobody in this division seemingly can finish fights. When news of the UFC's impending end of the flyweight division started circulating, statistics about finishes, punches thrown and knockdowns were floating around. Flyweights averaged the second lowest amount of finishes due to strikes, the second lowest percentage of finishes related to the number of strikes thrown per fight and finishes overall. The divisions behind flyweight in all those categories? Women's strawweight! There's a subculture of fans on twitter who make a killing taking the over on strawweight fights. At one point during the year, we had gone 12 straight strawweight fights without a finish. Deep into August, strawweight's finish per fight percentage was almost absurdly low. To the division's credit, the year has ended strong as we have had a 50% finish rate in all strawweight fights since UFC 228 in September. That doesn't make up for the total lack of finishes due to strikes but as a sub can be as fun as a TKO if we're being fair. The division has a wealth of talent, has seen some solid matchmaking and a decline in the importance of the grinder types who tend to slug their way through fifteen minute affairs. We're getting more athletes, more active fighters, less fighters who have a tendency to struggle in exchanges and just a better quality of MMA overall from the strawweights. Even accounting for talent taken for the 125 lb class, the health of this division seems strong. Just get folks finishing fights, keep giving us quality fights and get Rose back.

Stocking Stuffer: No weight cutting snafus

Flyweight

Big Gift: The Christmas Miracle

Simply put, the flyweight division needs a miracle. They got an extension on their life support with UFC on ESPN+ requiring a main event and TJ vs Cejudo getting bumped over. Those are temporary cures to a long term problem at flyweight; a problem that isn't going to be fixed with just one fight especially when MMA memories are fleeting. This division needs a new attitude, a new outlook and a new semblance of fan appreciation. You can be mad about Dana for a lot of things but he is 100% right when he says that he hopes the MMA media and their fans are as supportive of flyweight if it sticks around as they were when the Turk came around to claim the weight class. This division needs a Christmas miracle and the only person capable of delivering this is Henry Cejudo on January 19th. If Cejudo can't beat Dillsahw then this division probably does die a long painful drawn out death. Dillashaw would be a two time champion and the UFC would probably quietly nix the weight class rather than have yet another guy hogging up two belts. Cejudo remains the one man who can lengthen this division out. He has to beat Dillashaw and even that might just delay the inevitable. It has to be the sort of win that says that 125 lbs is only getting better with more talent inside of it than ever before. He has to basically blame Mighty Mouse for not taking the challenges the fans asked for and prove that flyweights aren't just smaller fighters but the best small fighters the UFC has.

Stocking Stuffer: A talker

Women's Flyweight

Big Gift: An identity

I suppose a hearty "Finally!" is owed to Valentina Shevchenko. After Nicco Montano struggled to heal up from a variety of injuries and ultimately missed weight, Valentina won her first ever UFC title with a decision win over Joanna Jedrzejczyk and got a jolt back into the UFC's floundering OTHER flyweight division. While she's not the champion that people want, she's the champion we got and Valentina is the sort of fighter who I imagine will have zero problems fighting anywhere 2-3 times a year in a division that could use a consistent champion. This division if anything needs stability and its own identity; something that can help clear the air of the stink that flyweight is just the scraps of 115 lbs and 135 lbs fighting out over a title nobody wanted but wound up getting in the name of inclusivity. It needs some sort of structure to be carved out the way that 115 lbs went through the growing pains of crafting its own hierarchy. It went from the TUF ladies to Joanna as this overpowering overconfident champion ruling over this division of young up and comers with something for everyone. There's no Ronda here to make everything relevant so the matchmaking and the women involved will need to do some heavy lifting. If flyweight turns into a "Who can Valentina 49-46 next?" then this division will be hopeless to ever go anywhere. It needs something that makes it stand out and fighters on the come up who can really present themselves differently.

Stocking Stuffer: Continued Depth

Bantamweight

Big Gift: Actual title fights

Stocking Stuffer: More Main Events

Over the past two years, we have had TWO bantamweight title fights. We had Cody vs TJ 1 in November of 2017 and Cody vs TJ 2 in August of 2018. This division has become such a tremendous hotbed for talent, earnest rivalries and developing unique fighters that it's a shame that the title picture has become so stagnant. Even if you were the kind of guy who got tired of Cruz vs  Team Alpha Male, you gotta admit that was at least an angle that could reliably turn out consistent title fights. Cody vs TJ was obviously a financial hit but the counter argument is that the desire to stop and start and wait for the first fight then the rematch created what we have now. The division is clearly not helped by that plus we've also got a logjam now with TJ going down to 125 lbs to fight Cejudo in a super fight that's kinda not super at all given that IF ANYTHING the argument can be made that Cejudo is the guy more qualified within his own division as it pertains to having a reason FOR a super fight. TJ has an immediate #1 contender waiting on him in Moraes and while I believe he proved who the man was vs Raphael Assuncao in their last encounter, the fact remains they're tied up and a trilogy is a just fight. Not good or entertaining but a just fight. That doesn't even begin to account for fighters like Jimmie Rivera, Pedro Munhoz, Dominick Cruz, Aljamain Sterling and the winner of Petr Yan/Douglas Silva de Andrade as compelling title fights in the potentially near future. This division needs title fights next year; not one, not the promise of multiple ones but actual honest to goodness fresh compelling new title fights with fresh new challengers for TJ Dillashaw.

Women's Bantamweight

Big Gift: A Pulse

If not for the legacy crafted by Ronda, Holly and Miesha, we'd be saying the stuff we say about the 125 lb class for men in this division too. We don't need to re-litigate what ails the 135 lb class. Divisions one up and one down raided the middle class and took away reliable names like Jessica Eye, Holly Holm, Alexis Davis, Liz Carmouche and Valentina Shevchenko to name a few. Retirement and pregnancies took away the star power from the division, namely the likes of Ronda Rousey, Miesha Tate and Julianna Pena. What remains is a hollowed out husk of a division that has no signs of life left in it. Amanda Nunes vs Rocky Pennington is probably the worst title fight of 2018 and I suppose it spoke to the depth of this division that Pennington on a near two year layoff plus a broken leg was the right choice for the title fight. At the end of the day, 135 lbs just needs something. It needs some sort of a pulse and a reminder that it has its place in MMA. It needs someone to invest in it or some star to emerge from out of nowhere to step up and create some talent within it.

Stocking Stuffer: A TUF

Featherweight

Big Gift: Some divisional air freshener

Can great fights and great fighters get stale? 2017 began with Max Holloway and Jose Aldo on a collision course with Frankie Edgar on the outskirts looking in and a collection of proven quality fighters who had been beaten by some combination of the three as the filler. The "upside" was in guys like Yair Rodriguez, Renato Moicano and Brian Ortega. 2018 began with Max Holloway as the sole head of the division with Jose Aldo as the clear #2 fighter, Frankie Edgar on the outskirts looking in and a collection of proven quality fighters who had been beaten by some combination of the three as the filler. The "upside" guys were Renato Moicano, Brian Ortega and Zhabit Magomedsharipov. In 2019, we will enter the  year with Max Holloway as the sole head of the division with Jose Aldo as the clear #2 fighter, Frankie Edgar on the outskirts looking in and a collection of proven quality fighters who had been beaten by some combination of the three as the filler. The likes of Cub Swanson, Jeremy Stephens, Ricardo Lamas, Darren Elkins and company continue to be the filler. The likes of Renato Moicano and Brian Ortega have graduated in value but I don't think either fighter at this moment can say they're above Jose Aldo (while Ortega can absolutely make a claim that he's the #3 guy). Most of these guys have all fought one another or fought someone who has fought Edgar, Aldo or Holloway. This division could use some freshening up and something new going on with it. Maybe that's Moicano taking the FINAL step up to replace Edgar or Aldo at the top of the charts or maybe Ortega is back in a title fight before 2019 ends. Maybe the likes of Alexander Volkanovski,  Zhabit Magomedsharipov, Yair Rodriguez and can survive the gatekeeper's boss run that is the likes of Swanson, Edgar, Lamas and Elkins in some form or fashion. Hell maybe even guys like Michael Johnson and Chad Mendes can continue to be a vibrant little surprise, racking up some timely wins and preventing new challenges. This division is realistically the best division in MMA but if we end 2019 with the same old same old at the top then I'm going to have to call foul there.

Stocking Stuffer: Health and happiness for action fighters

Women's Featherweight

Big Gift:  An investment

The UFC is building performance institutes all over the world and I think that's great. It's their money, spend it how ya wish on what you like. That said if the UFC wants this featherweight class to live beyond Cyborg skipping out, it may be time to put those PI's to their best uses. Even if people cry favoritism, use the UPI's to restock the shelves in WMMA. Let athletes in need of a home stop in there, train for free, board for free and then try to find them gyms you're comfortable with to continue their careers. There's no reason that women's hockey/basketball/softball/wrestling athletes aren't being tempted with continuing their athletic careers in the UFC. That requires an understanding of failure and the tacit knowledge that you may invest hundreds of thousands into people who may not make it. Invest in your product long term, realize you might sink a cost or two and reap the benefits over the long term. It CAN be done.

Stocking Stuffer: A drama free year out of Cyborg (or whoever your champ is)

Lightweight

Big Gift: Detangler

Any other division in the world with the likes of Khabib Nurmagomedov, Conor McGregor, Tony Ferguson, Dustin Poirier, Kevin Lee, Al Iaquinta, Paul Felder, James Vick, Justin Gaethje, Donald Cerrone, Anthony Pettis, David Teymur, Alexander Hernandez and countless others would be a pretty damn hot division and to its credit 155 lbs is pretty damn hot. Even if we can express disappointment in some of the ratings this division has drawn, the fights have been absolutely outstanding as a whole on the year. What this division really needs though is some detangler to help us figure out just what the hell we've got going on here. Is Khabib going to be out for a year? Is Conor? Will Ferguson fight ONLY for a title or will he be active again like in years past? Is Al Iaquinta really a top 5 LW? Can guys like Kevin Lee and James Vick bounce back from rough showings at the end of the year? We've got a loaded division but not a lot happening in large part due to the Khabib and Conor situation and also due to Ferguson and Poirier seemingly getting stuck in between fighting and not fighting for various reasons.  This division deserves a bit better luck than that.

Stocking Stuffer: A 165 lbs division

Welterweight

Big Gift: The element of danger

I've sort of beaten this into the crowd to the point where it's lost effectiveness so I won't belabor the point much longer. 170 lbs needs somebody to finish a fight. It needs a title fight with actual buzz and not buzz about seeing who can race to the bottom first. This is the UFC's weirdest, wackiest division which is somewhat unfortunate given the history of 170 lbs as a whole.

Stocking Stuffer: A Renaissance run from an old horse

Middleweight

Big Gift: Continued youthful and exciting international imports

There's some life here! For once, middleweight has some life going on with it! After the 2014/2015 run where Weidman, Rockhold, Whittaker and a bunch of TUF guys stepped up and showed out, the division hit a lull until this year. We got some glory days runs out of the likes of Jacare and Chris Weidman, we had Yoel Romero fight two times a year like a mad man but we also had the likes of Israel Adesanya, Karl Roberson, Paulo Costa, Thiago Santos and Jared Cannonier mark their arrivals as forces to be reckoned with at 185 lbs. The Contenders Series gave us fighters like Kevin Holland, Ian Henisch and Edemen Shahbazyan. Fighters like Tom Breese and Darren Till realized that lopping off limbs to make 170 lbs was a bad idea. For the first time in the history of the UFC, we're going to get a middleweight title fight between two guys under the age of 30. Even if you account for the fact that Chris Weidman and Luke Rockhold are bound to leave the division soon, it doesn't actually feel like a death shot which is pretty amazing given 185's reliability on aging fighters to keep it afloat. What this division needs is really just more of the same. More fighters under 30 popping into the mix, less weathered proven mid tier gatekeepers being given opportunities over and over that they consistently come up short in. Keep building 185 lbs, man. We'll eventually have a serious division in short order.

Stocking Stuffer: One Jacare title fight

Light Heavyweight

Big Gift: Help

Help. SOMEBODY. Jesus christ, somebody help this god forsaken division. Anthony Smith and Thiago Santos are top 10 LHWs after a few fights! The only three really intriguing prospects are Johnny Walker, Dominick Reyes (who no longer feels like a prospect) and Aleksandr Rakic. This division needs help. It needs fresh new fighters, reinforcements from 185 lbs or just something. We're a win, a suspension and a bad sneeze from Gustafsson away from Shogun vs Jan Blachowicz as a title fight in 2019.

Stocking Stuffer: MULTIPLE Jon Jones fights

Heavyweight

Big Gift: The Same Old Same Old

Honestly I know there are folks who dislike the heavyweight division but let's be honest. This is a golden era for big doughy dudes doing big things. We've got old horses having renaissance years in Daniel Cormier. Alexei Olyenik and Junior Dos Santos. Derrick Lewis got to fight for a title! The European HW scene is popping with new guys springing up every other month seemingly. We got to see fighters like Arjan Bhullar and Tai Tuivasa get tested a little bit with some adversity. We might be finally getting some sort of ROI on guys like Justin Willis, Curtis Blaydes and Walt Harris. Francis Ngannou and Alistair Overeem both ended the year on the right side of the tracks. Despite our best reservations or concerns, Greg Hardy is coming and will step into the cage as literally the best athlete in HW division history. Even CAIN VELASQUEZ has apparently had the cobwebs blown off of him! The UFC heavyweight division is doing okay and everything will be alright. Just keep doing what you're doing, try to sign some more of these up and coming European heavies, be a bit more careful with the prospects you've got and let the division keep on keeping on. Long live Heavyweight MMA!

Stocking Stuffer: A semblance of an heir apparent or two

[2traveldads-blog]

You know how much we love getting the kids into nature. Locally we can escape to the beach or the mountains within minutes or a few hours, but getting to snorkeling destinations where the water is warm and beautiful and perfect, that takes longer. And if you’re going to make the trip it might as be someplace wonderful like Turks and Caicos. We started researching the best places to stay in Turks and Caicos and there are some beautiful spots close to amazing snorkeling and beaches.

Our attraction to Turks and Caicos

I wish we had gotten our dive certification when we were in Cabo San Lucas this fall but things didn’t work out. Turks and Caicos seems tailored for those who love diving, but where there is good driving there’s great snorkeling. So that suits us just fine. The snorkeling in Haiti was absolutely beautiful, and being so close to the island of Hispaniola Turks and Caicos should have some very similar specimens to check out.

And then the beaches. The beaches of Turks and Caicos look gorgeous and in amazing condition.  We’ve seen all too often that destination beaches have a lot of damage or pollution, but that seems to be of no issue here.  The sand is white and looks so soft (totally different than our local beach her in the PNW) and it’s calling us.  Truly, little sand spirits are telling us to get our feet there ASAP.

And even though you might not think of Turks and Caicos as an historic destination, since its settling by the British in the 1500s, there have been battlements and plantations established over the years.  If you followed our trek through St Augustine, FL, you saw how much the kids loved exploring the 16th century sites.  Yep, we’ll need to explore them in Turks and Caicos too.  Oh yeah, and there’s a lighthouse which we have a small obsession with.

The last super cool thing that catches our eye is the number of sink holes and caves in Turks and Caicos.  It seems that Middle and East Caicos have the majority of them.  Having explored cenotes in Playa del Carmen, I know how cool they are and I know the kids would love to explore them too.

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

Courtesy of Turks and Caison National Museum

Courtesy of TCIFerry.com

Courtesy of TurksAndCaicosTourism.com

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

LGBT Travel to Turks and Caicos

And as we’ve been researching we’ve been seeing tons of couples vacationing here but not too many families. I think it’s time that changes and we are happy to blaze that trail. And while LGBT travelers are welcome in Turks and Caicos and they don’t run the risk of jail time like they might in Jamaica or the Maldives, the country still is not completely progressive in bringing equality in all aspects of life for LGBT citizens.  The laws are open enough and the culture westernized enough that we’d not hesitate to doing a family trip (or even just the dads) to Turks and Caicos.

Fun fact:   Turks and Caicos allows gay people to donate blood. I can’t donate blood in the United States. So strange.

Snorkeling, Sea Turtles and Iguanas

One of the main attractions of Turks and Caicos for us is the migrant sea turtle population. It was incredible to be able to walk into the water in Akumal and come face-to-face with these amazing creatures. I’ll have to research what the sea turtle visiting practices are like in Turks and Caicos, but if we do find that it’s a respectful and sustainable practice they have going we will need to visit one of the coves known for its turtles.

Also, there is a National Park that we HAVE TO VISIT:  Chalk Sound National Park on the island of Providenciales.  It is home to large iguanas roaming freely.  We love iguanas.  The kids would freak out.  And there are rays and lemon sharks in the lagoon.  The kids have only seen either of these in aquariums so being able to observe them in their natural environment would be such a treat.

Note:  the lagoon has a lot of exposed rocks around its edges and because they are a soft limestone they’ve formed some pretty jagged formations.  They’re pretty, but not exactly rocks for lounging on or climbing without caution.

The lagoon of Chalk Sound National Park is also a motor-free zone, so exploring the waters and shores should be a quiet, serene experience.  There aren’t designated launch areas and there’s a bit of wind, but it seems that kayaking and stand up paddle boarding is still available if you’re into that.  We love kayaking, so finding a vendor to help us experience this will be a top priority when we’re there.

There is also Northwest Point National Marine Park which sounds amazing.  It’s also on the island of Providenciales and seems to be quite different from Chalk Sound National Park.  With the Ironshore on one side of the National Park and the Northwest Point Pond Nature Preserve on the other, we’d need to spend a whole day exploring.  Big attraction:  there are flamingos!

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

Courtesy of VisitTCI.com

Ease of Travel

Since Turks and Caicos is several islands no doubt we’re going to want to visit more than just our home base, on whichever island that may be. Being the Caribbean of course there are charters you can take to go island hopping, but there’s also the Turks and Caicos Islands ferry system. Here in the Pacific Northwest we ride the ferry weekly or daily even so being able to do that in a tropical sea… that’s awesome.  And getting there in the first place isn’t too difficult.  Flights are the standard Caribbean price and you can get to Providenciales from almost any major city.

Courtesy of TCIFerry.com

Courtesy of TCIFerry.com

Another aspect of visiting Turks and Caicos that crossed our mind is whether or not we need visas. Thank goodness we don’t. If you’re traveling from the USA, Canada, the UK or from the EU you don’t need a visa.   You only need to have six months or more on your passport still and then you have to have a round trip ticket. I always love that rule:  you can’t just have a one way ticket and start a new life in Turks and Caicos.  Yeah, we’d probably want to stay if we could.

So, having done the research I think we know what our next Caribbean destination will be. Turks and Caicos seems unusual when it comes to its perfect beaches, underwater nature, and ease of island hopping.   True, Indonesia is still at the top of our large-scale bucket list but for something closer, Turks and Caicos is ideal and we can’t wait to take the kids there.

Planning family travel to Turks and Caicos in the Caribbean You know how much we love getting the kids into nature. Locally we can escape to the beach or the mountains within minutes or a few hours, but getting to snorkeling destinations where the water is warm and beautiful and perfect, that takes longer.

[wishingfornever]

10/11/17 – No Contact:  Meta Entry

I had a series of dreams.  The last dream, you were here and we just laid together.  I kissed the back of your neck and you were happy. Then I woke up and find I had been cuddling with Max the WHOLE TIME!!!  GASP!!!

Kidding, but that was the last dream. You had a black tank top, black underwear, and that red beanie.  I remember… a lot from that dream. I’m waiting to propose to you to carry on and continue your life.  As I said, your mom told me to look after you and I still intend to.  Of course, you don’t deserve it.  Your behavior was just… incredibly bad.  And then you justified the stupidest things.  You don’t deserve forgiveness.  You don’t deserve a second chance.

You’re lucky I’m not you.

Maybe I’m being harsh.  Maybe I’m telling myself this so I can wait the full two months to message you again.  Or maybe I’m totally justified.  You really fucked up.  You’ll see that eventually but I can’t make you see it.  Thus, this is a lesson you’ll have to learn yourself.

I hope you don’t view my offer as a safety net.  Like, seriously, if I’m trying to be nice then don’t overthink it.  I suspect you’ll avoid my offer, though.  Maybe that’s why.  Not enough pressure. What a bunch of bullshit.

My one concern is that I stop caring about you before I offer you a place.  Sort of like how you stopped caring.  See?  Like that.  You REALLY don’t deserve a second chance.  If I were a wiser man, I’d have left you for dead.  You’d be stuck with Dennis or move back. Worse yet, you’d move from man to man trying to find a place for yourself, constantly getting high and NEVER getting your GED.  Your life will stagnate.  I guarantee it will with Dennis or any other prick on the internet who says he “Totally cares, for sure.” Your two best options will be with me or with your mom.  Because unlike those other internet tools, I won’t let you get high.  I’m sick of it.  Pot is fucking stupid and you’re stupid for liking pot.

You’re getting your fucking GED.  If you’re here, I will MAKE you get it.  That is not an option. That said… you don’t need to choose me.  You can choose your parents.  I’m sure they’d be THRILLED to have you back.  Well, your mom at least. Thing is, it’s your mom.  She has two sides.  Not saying she’s a bad person, but she’s a hard person.  I know because she’s somewhat like my dad, just my dad is less hippie-ish.

Whatever… Anyways, Max isn’t eating his food.  That’s a problem.  He’s… been grumpy.  I told you I applied for a job at Starbucks.  Here’s the thing.  I wanted to go to Starbucks and apply in person.  But… I can’t.  Because Max has been very temperamental.  Like, so much. So, I’m sticking by with him.  We could use someone who will stay here with him.  Like you.  That’d be super helpful.

Anyways, I just checked with my application in Starbucks.  Turns out to… have not saved.  So, I re did it.  Not that hard.  But as of today? I officially applied for a job.  After this week, I’ll start applying at other places.  Hopefully in person.

Holy crap.  I know how to propose.  Custom banner.  In NationStates. It’ll say, “Esther’s Nation, will you marry me?” and have one of the letters replaced with a hammer and sickle.  Or put the hammer and sickle in a heart.  Gasp.  :o

Cringe now.  I know.  We won’t get together because of reasons.  Probably because you don’t want to see me again.  That’s why I wrote it here.  Because you’re not going to read it.  It’s funny though. Clever.  I mean, not romantic.  But the region will think it’s cute.  :D

Whatever.  If we do get together again, I’ll have to try to delete this.  Or maybe I won’t, idk.  Kind of ruins the authenticity of the journal to go back and delete things… so… whatever.

I need Max.  This cute Asian gal ran up and said, “Awwwww!  What’s his name!”  I was awkward at the time because I didn’t expect it. I said “Max.  Be careful, he’s grumpy.”  But she was super cheerful.  Was getting out of her car at the time.

I might be a bit socially awkward.  I have to be in control of the situation to prevent it and I have to be super confident in myself.  I put on some pounds and I did almost nothing to my hair.  I mean… I brushed it.  Kinda looks cute.  But could be better.  Breath smells of onions.  Intending to shower when I got back.  Just… not a good situation for me.  She didn’t get close enough for that.  Was cute though.

Shane isn’t doing well.  He said he coughed up blood.  Concerning.  Told him to see a doctor.  I hope he’s fine.

Meanwhile, Walter (who ADORES NationStates) wants to do a NationState scenario with me.  Like a space race.  I think it’d be super cool.  We’re doing some planning.  Won’t need that much time.  I won’t have to much time to begin with.  I’ll be working at Starbucks soon.  And, of course, my book.  Which I haven’t touched for a while.  I’ll make time for it this week.  I’m waking up earlier, if you can believe it.

I’ve been sleeping in, unfortunately.  But I’m getting over it.  I didn’t do my sets yesterday.  I didn’t run, either.  Didn’t today.  Been focusing on Max.  He just wants to walk, so we’re just walking.  Super inactive.  Eh.  :/

I want to message you.  I always do when I write in the journal.  I think because I want responses for somethings.  Or at least input. Idk.  It’ll fade.  Eventually, I’ll stop writing in this journal. That’ll either be a good thing or a bad thing.  Either it’s a bad thing because that means I stopped caring and have totally given up on you or that we’re back together and there is no need for the journal.  I guess having a journal at all is pretty desperate.  I mean… why?  This journal is more about us than it is about me.  If I keep it… idk.  The posts won’t be as long.  I don’t know what I’d put in there… or why.

Why did I begin this one? It’s helped me deal with the end of our relationship.  It also documents what’s been happening for us.  But… eh.  It’s the truth.  Maybe that’s a bad thing.  The truth often isn’t welcome. Maybe I’ll upload it to a blog next year.  For giggles.  I’ll send you a link to it then.  On 9/3/18.  Wouldn’t that be fun, eh? Idk.  Just an idea.  This would make it in there too. It’ll be weird to see me bitching about the format.  And converting it would be a pain in my ass.  Oh, I’ll make it a Tumblr thing. Set it to public.  Not to slut shame you or to shit on Dennis or anything.  I just think it’d be good to document.  Might be a fun read, idk.  ;) Anyways, Adela just came back.  I spoke with her.  Couldn’t get the scale to work.  Earlier today I was in such a good mood, I could have sworn I lost weight.  I little bit later, I felt super self-conscious and I felt like I gained weight. I need a scale to measure everything.  That way, I won’t get complacent and I won’t have to guess.  I could lose 40 pounds and I wouldn’t notice.  Though, I think I’d notice gaining 40 pounds at this point.  I’ll be honest.  Thing is, I didn’t realize I lost weight when I lost 10 pounds.  So… weird.  I guess it’s easier to see my failures than successes.  Hrm…

Whatever.

I’m thinking about when I publicize this all.  You probably won’t like it.  You’ll probably ask me to take down or not do it at all.  Or if you read this, you might ask me to do it.  I guess it depends on how I end this journal.  We’ll see.  It’d only be surprising to people who we don’t know if this is posted.  You’ll know how it ends and anyone who knows us will know how it’ll end.  And people will be surprised to know I came up with these bullshit titles before I even thought about posting any of this.

No names will be changed.  So, if you don’t like it, maybe you can sue.  So even if you hate me, you can still have a happy ending.  ;) This would be A LOT of honesty.  To just put out there.  It’ll be nice to have total strangers think I’m crazy too.  Ah, well.  Shane might have died.  He stopped responding to me.  So has Walter, actually.

Btw, I told Randy everything.  I think I mentioned that.  Might not have. Regardless, he responded.  Was very nice to me.  Kind of sympathetic. It was nice.  I had to reiterate that I had nothing against you or Dennis.  Though, I guess you’d disagree after reading all of this.

If not against Dennis, then against you.  Saying you don’t deserve a second chance.  I stand by my words; you really don’t.  And Dennis is still a piece of shit.  Thing is, I don’t have to like someone to not have a grudge.  I don’t have a grudge against Dennis.  No vendetta needing fulfilling.  And, obviously, no vendetta against you.  Rather, you piss me off and Dennis is dead to me.  He’s a slimebag piece of shit that literally EVERYONE can see but you.  You think he’s awesome, but that’s because he’s a terrible person.  You have only his word to take on it. He doesn’t talk to Shane or Jeremiah anymore for a reason.  He brought this on himself.  Everyone who used to associate with him stopped talking to him.  Walter joked about how he didn’t recognize Dennis’s name.

Gotta give him credit, though.  At least he’s dedicated to fucking up and cutting contact with everyone he’s ever called friend.  If I had known that’s all that it takes to win your heart, I’m sure I wouldn’t be writing this journal.  Sorry, but Jer and I have a relationship that you wouldn’t understand.  In High School, it was compared to Turk and JD from Scrubs by our friends.  The ultimate bromance.  Apparently the actors who play them are best friends in real life.  That’s interesting.  I wonder which one of us was Turk and which one was JD.  I haven’t seen much of the show to make a comparison.

Speaking of Jer, he REALLY wants me to download League of Legends.  I… probably won’t.  Because of reasons.  Mostly that I won’t have time for video games between a job, my book, and learning Spanish.  I haven’t begun yet but… soon.  Measuring life by the week. ;)

Anyways, I’m tired.  Also hungry.  Going to get food and watch dumb videos.  I mean, I could work on my book, but nah. I’m a terrible person with a shitty work ethic.  Don’t tell Starbucks, though.  ;)

Before I go and begin the next entry… it would appear I’m rather macabre.  I was watching JonTron’s old review for a dorky game, I was thinking his bird was going to die soon.  I don’t know why I would think that.  Birds have a lengthy life, for one… and for two, WHO THE FUCK THINKS ABOUT WHEN SOMEONE LOSES THEIR ANIMALS?!?  Ugh… I know it’ll suck to lose a pet.  Thing is, I ask this to myself a lot with people’s pets.

Jack died when I came back from Texas the first time.  I had to bury him.  It sucked.  Then there were other pets I had to bury, but he was the most recent.  It was… depressing.  He went into an old dog house outside and just slept in there the night he died.  He was old. Oof…  I’m done talking about Jack.  Later.  x.x