#and as an indian . it hurts dude

[quartermoonconvergence]

since i lowk dgaf abt what people in this fandom think of me for having basic media literacy and logical reasoning atp

i think quite a few of you pretend to be better people by making max's parents "good people" so you can fight off against early fandom's potrayal of white saviour esque dadvid [which isnt even the dynamic in canon, but i digress] but because people doing this were drawing an eye during literature class they just fight racism with more racism.

because tell me why i have seen "max's parents are poor people who cannot speak english" more than once. Why is it so impossible for people to see that max is a neglected child who acts out because he is neglected at home and his parents dont care about him.

Why do you need the writers and artists to establish something which is basically screamed at you by the narrative?

Literally why are you all insanely dense about a child acting mean to others due to the fact that they are neglected at home.

Like just say it dude is it because max is an indian immigrant child who doesnt act like a soft pure victim like you all want him to act like and thus just casual denial of max's canonical neglect is justified. I literally hate some of you people

[depressedraisin]

when zakir hussain rakesh chaurasia and niladri kumar are playing a triple concerto for sitar tabla flute conducted by alpesh chauhan and accompanied by the symphony orchestra but you're just a broke student living in the other end of the country

[kafka-ish]

part 1

Patrick asks Art if he got the stuff and how much to which Art replies: yea just an 8th tho and Patrick replies Dude wtf

No dude. You never told me your dealer was hot!!!

Don’t bother. Asked if she’d trade head for half. Wouldn’t budge. Strict business or whatever.

Two seconds later: Still. I’d tap that.

Art decides against telling him about the sample he got. Sticks the joint you rolled in his desk drawer. Does weed have an expiration date? he wonders. He drops by Patrick’s who asks how the deal went. If you gave him a discount for it being his first time and all.

“How much’d she charge?” Patrick wonders aloud, comparing prices in his head, secretly hoping his friend got ripped off.

It takes Art awhile to settle on a number. He still doesn’t know the price of weed. “Like fifty?”

“For an eighth?” Patrick laughs at this like okay this chick is insane and Art realizes he said the wrong thing.

“She said it was the good stuff.” Art shrugs, trying to play it off.

“Whatever man, but you need to learn how to negotiate… So we gonna smoke this shit or what?”

Art begins to make appearances more frequently. But he has to be calculated with how he goes about this. Doesn’t want to seem desperate, hooked on fucking weed. How pathetic. He has to pace himself. At first his visits are periodic. Comes by a few times a month for his regular pick up. But he can’t get enough. Sporadic turns into every other week and every other week turns into Friday nights after his games or if not a tournament, practice. He’s at your door with takeout in hand. Something different every time; he keeps you on your feet and you like the surprise. Tacos, Thai, Lo Mien. Indian when he wins his matches.

You don’t smoke with him at first when he asks, though; you have a rule about smoking up with clients.

“Oh,” he says, feeling defeated. Disappointed that’s how you think of him.

“You still want that eighth?” you ask.

“Um, no. Actually I think I’m gonna go.”

“Art,” you say and the sound of your voice calling his name has him frozen in place. His hand is still on the knob for a moment before it drops, falls by his side. He wipes it on his pants, a habit he has. "Don't do this."

"What? Change my mind?"

"No--"

"You're not trying to peer pressure me, are you?" You wonder if Art's being serious right now. If he's using your methodology of paying tuition and groceries against you. It's your turn to freeze.

"Fine then. Leave. But just so you know I wasn't the one hitting up strangers for weed." You're calm when you say this, only making it harder for Art to reach for the door once more.

Of course, he comes crawling back. Ends up blowing up your phone.

Art: Hey

Art: I'm sorry for what i said the other day. I wasn't thinking. Obviously. It just hurt when u called me a customer. Which i guess i technically am. I dont kno.

Art: I think ur really cool

Art: I guess i just wanted to smoke with someone other than patrick

Art: Did i mention i think ur really cool

You roll your eyes at the thread of messages, how they still come in and your phone can't stop vibrating; you're not finished reading but it keeps pinging. Still, you're smiling. Can't help but read his texts over and over again before responding and you feel a heat on your cheeks when you haven't even lit up.

You text him the same thing when he always texts you after one of his games: My place 9?

"You think I'm cool, huh?" You nudge Art, sitting next to you on the couch. His legs are crossed, facing yours.

Art blushes at the question, the pressure you put him under. Finally musters up the courage to say, “yeah. Really cool.” Then leans in, does that thing that guys do where they grab your jaw, almost caresses it, then brings you in to kiss your lips. It’s soft. Gentle. Thinks he might hurt you if he’s not careful. And he doesn’t linger long but you can taste his chapstick. Mint. You miss him already when his lips leave yours and your tongue sweeps over where flesh once was, itching for another taste.

He sees this. Locks his lips on yours again. Instinct. It's just as quick and sweet as the first one. You feel him grin when his mouth meshes with yours and the sensation of his smile pressing into your cheeks gets you all giddy-like.

“So does that mean you’ll smoke with me?” His smile doesn’t leave when you pull away. And you see his eyebrows are raised while his eyes are blue and bright. A dash of hope shimmers in them and you can see your reflection in them.

“Yeah,” you say, hushed, almost a whisper as if you can’t bring yourself to say it out loud. You’re breaking your rules for him, is what Art’s thinking. And you tell yourself it’s just a one time exception but when he comes over next Friday you find yourself rolling a joint and passing it to him in between kisses.

And now it’s your routine.

He doesn’t need to text you asking for an eighth and you don’t need to tell him what time and place. He just shows up after practice. Of course, you expect him.

“I hope I didn’t get you addicted.”

“Nah.” Art’s lean frame is already hanging on the doorway and he doesn’t come inside immediately when you welcome him in. Instead, he takes you in his arms. They feel stronger each time. Plants a big wet kiss on your lips. And he is addicted. Just not what you think.

[45cementry-gates]

Thoughts on Ishan :

(and ict in general)

1. When he opted out of India's test squad before our series with S. Africa....I knew... I KNEW it will be a long time before we'll get to see him playing for India again.

And then few weeks later Rahul Dravid said in a press conference... He can come back... Just play domestic.... My heart sank.

Here's the thing, I don't blame him at all for taking a break due to mental fatigue.

I fully support his decision as well. He prioritised himself and that's good.

But my dude... If I was your friend, if I was there with you... I wouldn't have let you go.

I would have grabbed his trousers and refused to let go. This is team India. You take one step back and 10 other people are standing right behind you ready to take your place.

Shubhman gill was hyped up so much... Remember his 126 in 63 balls against New Zealand?

But he faltered.

And Today he's in reserve.

Jaiswal is going to be our new opener in all 3 formats very soon. And there's nothing wrong with that. The guy earned it.

Ishan left the South Africa Series and a month later during the india Vs England test Series Jurel was picked and he did an excellent job.

Now imagine... Imagine if Ishan was there instead... If ishan had scored those 90 runs.....he would have made his place permanent.

I'll repeat myself.... I don't blame him for leaving... But he should have thought this through. Especially when a guy like Rahul Dravid is your coach.

(he's the same guy who gave declaration during a test match when Sachin Tendulkar was about to score a century. He's not as innocent as he looks.)

Another thing which really hurts me is how so many people complain about him being benched and then dropped but Yaar....there are tons of players who have gone through this.

Even Ashwin was benched. He said in an interview that when his team would win he wouldn't even feel like going in the ground to congratulate them coz of how hurt he felt.

It happens.

.

.

.

Anyways My overall opinion on this drama is :

1. I support him for leaving.

2. But I hate that he left.

3. A block of ice would be a better coach than Rahul Dravid.

Anyways... Jo hogaya so hogaya.

What I want now is for him to focus on his future.

And He can start by leaving Mumbai Indians.

MI was the team who would pick young players, groom and invest in them and make them capable enough for team India.

The MI we have seen this year is no longer that team. It doesn't matter how many reels their insta page puts out, the atmosphere of that team is tense, awkward and a hot mess.

If Mumbai really cared about a future captain as they claimed.... They should have made Ishan their new captain...like how csk and gt did with ruturaj and gill.

But oh well.

Right now... The best he can do is keep himself fit, play domestic and leave MI at THE EARLIEST.

That team, it's atmosphere, the mismanagement and inner conflicts (believe me, they exist) will not help him at all.

Imo, he doesn't need a team to grow. He has developed a good skill set. What he needs now is a stage.

A team like Kkr, RR or Gt will be great for that because these teams don't drop Their players after 1 or 2 matches... Have good coaches, stable environment and a good atmosphere overall.

Ishan is an excellent wicket keeper + batsman and the type of cricket he plays is best suited for t20 format (one day and test also but especially t20).

Whether we win or lose this t20 world cup... This one is the last one for our senior players.

After that, our youngsters will take charge (at least they should).

Yashasvi and Abhishek should be our openers.

Gill, rutu and Riyan would perfect be for middle order.

Ishan, with his explosive batting style, would be the perfect finisher.

Also... This dumb culture of batters not learning bowling (encouraged by this stupid impact rule) that has developed in the Indian team needs to STOP.

Look at Australia and New Zealand's t20 squad. Look at how many all rounders they have.

Look at ours. We won the 2007 cup because of all rounders as well.

Also... We cage our players. We hold them back. A player like Travis head is playing with such ferocity because his style and mindset is supported by his captain, his team and his media.

Meanwhile... If an Indian player attempts to do the same and doesn't make a big score in 2 -3 matches... He'll be benched instantly.

Another thing... If we look up the stats of our players in this year's t20 wc squad...

Except virat, Bumrah and maybe kuldeep ...everyone else is on ram bharose.

When players like n. reddy, ishan, rutu, gill, Riyan, natrajan... will be groomed and given enough opportunities....their aggressive style will be supported instead of criticized.... that's when we will win trophies.

@fangirlingintellectual @roseromeroredranger @snowcloudsss

@ishuess @bimesskaira

[youremyheaven]

https://www.tumblr.com/youremyheaven/757046870112681984/httpswwwtumblrcomyouremyheaven75703907683788?source=share 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭ohh my god really my college boys are so immature 😫😫 that's why they treat my freinds like this btw your 24 are you pursuing you master's or job really i am studying in college and intrested in vedic ans stuff but bruhh i hate my college boys they are just 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡 we all need a responsible man just like him hope i find one can you tell what your experience in first relationship and firt time in ✨️it ( if you not comfortable don't tell just need some advice) AND FOR YOU I AM MANIFESTING THAT GUY AS YOUR HUSBAND

Cheek dapat dam dam chuu swaha ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️ heaven giel get this guy as husband with more greatness 👏

😭😭😭🥹🥹🥹🥺🥺🥺you're SOOOO SWEET, pura ka pura cutie pie <333

i graduated already and im just working at the moment. i dont really feel like studying further tbh lmao and im entering an industry where work exp matters more than degrees so✌🏻

and yes college boys will always be shitty, dont lose hope, after college you'll meet better guys!!! <3 and the thing is dudes under 25 are just little boys,, veryyyy few of them are mature and this guy is the rare exception

NSFW CONTENT MINORS DNI

my first time was when i was 16-17 and the guy was 18 and a major asshole and he forced me to "date" him and then he r*ped me 🤡🤡🤡so i technically lost my virginity to r*pe but i dont want to think about that or consider that as my first time

i had my first "real" boyfriend in 12th grade and on Farewell day (its like the Indian version of Prom for all of you non-desis) he took me to his house and no one was home so we banged hehe<3333 he had a huge dick and it hurt and im pretty sure the whole thing did not fit lmao

i feel like a lot of virgins dont understand this but (and this also depends on the guy's penis size) penises dont often go all the way in when you're having sex for the first time!! and it takes a while for your punani to stretch comfortably and "take" d*ck. ALWAYS USE LUBE, the more lubricated you are down there, the easier it will be to take him in. your partner should be understanding and considerate of the fact that penetration is a physically painful experience initially and they should do whatever they can to make it less so.

that said, penetration SHOULD NOT HURT after the first few times, it SHOULD feel good. you dont have to be waxed bare down there or anything, obviously its nice to be groomed but its okay to have a little hair (or a full bush, thats up to you but i feel like first impressions matter so i like to keep it trimmed hehe, ik a lot of feminists are going to be like 😠😠no i wont shave for a man😠😠 but honestly he's shaving his balls for me and id feel a bit awkward if he was veryyy hairy down there so i get it and dont mind grooming in return<33)

sex should be enjoyable for both parties??? and remember real life is not porn!! he's not going to last for 6 hours and neither do you want him to because being pounded into for more than like 10 mins is annoying tbh and you'd just wish he'd come asap ,,, remember that sex is like physical exercise so u get tired after a while,, the whole "fuck all night" stuff is rare and mostly happens in movies lmao,, as long as you have time with them, you can go multiple rounds but feeling tired is real asf

ALWAYS USE PROTECTION, they might try to pull the "my dick is too big for these local condoms/it doesnt feel good with condoms" etc excuses BUT TRUST ME THOSE ARE LIES,, just USE PROTECTION

in india, we have something called an "i-pill" (morning after pill for non desis) and its less than 100 bucks at the medical store. no one will ask you anything for getting it, they usually dont care so dont hesitate!!! its better if the guy can get it for you and if your guy wont even buy you an i-pill then should you even be having sex with him????

there are side effects to taking the i-pill, your period may be late/have heavy flow/irregular bleeding, or you can experience nausea/dizziness etc after taking it. thankfully i have no symptoms and it feels normal ish but exercise CAUTION!!!

put a pillow under your back when you have sex, it helps make it hurt less!! bc your back is supported.

always clean up after you have sex!! go take a shower, gargle your mouth, make sure you dont have any of his cum near your kitty because semen will find its way inside you in mysterious ways 💀💀

STAY SAFE, HAVE FUN <333

AYYYYY 😭😭😭idk about husband stuff yet but I do hope my future husband is just as attentive, caring, considerate, loving, warm and kind as him

but u are soooo sweet MWAH MWAH

love,

Heaven

[docgold13]

yes! please tell me more of your detest for John Wayne. My dad loves that guy and I need ammo for arguing that the dude was a douche

I don’t think you’ll make much headway with your dad.  Once someone has their mind set on something, cognitive dissonance can become a force stronger than gravity.  

But I’m happy to try to help out.  

Anyways, John Wayne he played a significant role in creating the Motion Picture Alliance for the Preservation of American Ideals (MPA) in 1944 and was voted in as its president in 1949. This was an anti-communist organization that blacklisted industry professionals suspected as being in any way shape or form associated with the communist party.  He was additionally an ardent and vocal supporter of the infamous House of Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC) as well as the work of Senator Joseph McCarthy. 

Despite his dodging the draft for World War II, he continued to make war films presenting himself as this great leader of the armed forces.  Furthermore, his movie,  The Green Berets, was an overt attempt toward rallying support for the ruinous Vietnam War.

Wayne did not just hate communists, he also hated those who were gay.  He lambasted  Dustin Hoffman and Jon Voight’s characters in Midnight Cowboy, calling the pair ‘a couple of f@gs.’  He also accosted Kirk Douglas over his role as Dutch artist Vincent Van Gogh in the film Lust for Life. He was reported to have said, “Christ, Kirk, how can you play a part like that? There’s so goddamn few of us left. We got to play strong, tough characters. Not these weak queers.”  There were rumors that Wayne was a closeted homosexual and that some of his hatred may have been a sort of reaction formation, but who knows if that is true.

He also didn’t give a damn for Native Americans, whom he deemed as savages.  “I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from the Indians,” he said, “Our so-called stealing of this country from them was just a matter of survival. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” 

But perhaps he strongest animosity was reserved for Black Americans.  “I believe in white supremacy,” he said in a notorious 1971 interview with Playboy magazine.  He added that he did not want Black people working on his films until they became “educated to a point of responsibility.”

He also made disparaging remarks about Jewish people and was entirely against any form of social welfare programs.  

Apologies to anyone hurt by seeing all of this hateful stuff disseminated.   

[timetravellingkitty]

I can't believe Indians (indian Hindus mostly) calling for extermination of Palestine from the map?? Wtf? Like dude...I promise you israel is not gonna lick your boots like you do to them. Opened reddit and saw so many Indians mad at a lady who held a free Palestine card up at a Durga mandal. Calling Palestinians evil and what not..and downvotes on people making absolute sense on why israel is wrong. I have lost complete faith in people at this point. It hurts to see so many openly support genocide in the name of religion.

;-;

[poseidons-favourite-daughter]

╰┈➤ Name: Anjali Eliza Mastroti (call me angie!!!)

╰┈➤ Age: 15

╰┈➤ Pronouns: She/her

╰┈➤ Sexuality: bisexual

╰┈➤ Godly Parent: Poseidon

╰┈➤ Cabin No#: Cabin 3

╰┈➤ Ethnicity: Indian and Greek?? idk what is Poseidon?

╰┈➤ My Dad- @unda-the-sea-and-bi-myself

╰┈➤ My Trainer- @cabinseventheaterchick

╰┈➤ My Besties- @that-asian-child-of-aphrodite @mentally-stable-child-of-apollo

╰┈➤ My Siblings- @totally-percy-jackson @yourfavoriteearthshaker @daughter-of-the-storm

╰┈➤ Powers: Control over all bodies of water + bodily fluid, can cause earthquakes, water heals me and I can talk to pegasi

sometimes i control storms too

╰┈➤ Weapon/s: my dagger, and my hands (I can fist fight you)

╰┈➤ Hobbies: homicide, listening to music, crying over trauma <33

╰┈➤ Fatal Flaw: I hold grudges and need revenge

╰┈➤ Appearance: Brown-skinned, jet black hair, dark eyes, long lashes, tall, OOH and I have blue highlights hehe

╰┈➤ Personality: idk, i like to think i'm sweet and kind (and psychotic if you hurt my friends)

╰┈➤ Clothing style: you tell me

╰┈➤ Mortal Parent: Nirja Mastroti (she died :( )

╰┈➤ Relationship status: n/a

╰┈➤ Years at Camp: 1

╰┈➤ Position at camp: i'm just here dude. and i'm alive. that counts for something right?

╰┈➤ dividers by @cafekitsune

[29daffodils]

listen i stay far far far away from most indian web series because they are usually crap and this one seems to be too, but instagram showed me this reel with these two dudes and i thought , "okay let's check it out" and skipped through most of it to get to the bits i wanna watch (because the show is pretty predictable and considering who's playing the male lead 👀)

anyway, point is,

this other guy of the (presumable) bl pair, is so gay, lmao his gay is showing

like there's this scene where he pretty much beat up the other guy (he is making the saddest little boy "please don't hurt me" face) and then just goes and stares at his lips lmaooooooooo

what a chad 😂😂

(desi bl fans are welcome to come rant at me about this, if they've watched it, i wonder if it's actually gonna be a bl ship and not just bromance but i guess a girl can dream)

[starry-skies-116]

ROTTMNT HEADCANONS BECAUSE I WATCHED AND LOVE THIS SHOW AND AM HYPERFIXATING AGGRESSIVELY ON IT NOW:

They keep the surnames of “Hamato” despite abandoning the strictly traditional practices of the Hamato clan whilst also taking more eclectic inspiration from their arts to their own.

They all brumate btw. Pry this from my cold dead hands. Every time brumation season comes, the Disaster Twins Inc. hog the couch.

Donnie, because he’s autistic and is a softshell turtle, has sensory issues and is very picky about what food he eats and which clothes he wears, as well as what surfaces he touches. He secretly has a casual list catalogued about what sensory things he loves versus what he hates, and there’s a small area in his lab that’s sensory heaven for him.

All the turtles have different eye colours. Leo has natural heterochromia, one eye being cobalt blue and another eye being bright amber. Post-movie Raph has heterochromia from being turned into a Krang zombie for a short amount of time- one eye is emerald green, and another is a bright magenta purple. Donnie has warm brown eyes, and Mikey has baby/cornflower blue-ish grey eyes. April has hazel green eyes.

Teenage Mutant Intersex Turtles, anyone?? They’re all different variations of intersex on the intersex spectrum. Leo was presumed to be a guy and does have some male traits, but is biologically female- he’s both intersex and a trans dude (and I’m all here for it).

Raph is an aroace bigender (both transfem and demiboy), Mikey is genderfluid and greyaroace pansexual and panromantic, Donnie is nonbinary, asexual and greyromantic biromantic, and Leo is FTM trans, demisexual and gay (did I mention they are all intersex).

Yes I do headcanon disaster twins, and that Donatello was taller than Leonardo when they were younger but Leo is 3 and a half minutes older than Donnie and takes every damn opportunity to brag about it.

“We need CaCa and Maggie~!” “JUST SAY CALCIUM AND MAGNESIUM GODDAMNIT-”

In the future, all of the turtles have cloaking brooches and stable jobs that earn them great income. They also have apartments close to the sewers that is their home.

Okay, we all know Donnie’s canonically autistic. But what if all the turtles are on differing parts of the spectrum. More at 5.

Donnie in addition to being autistic has insomnia, BPD and misophonia and does have sight issues and is prone to migraines due to staring at screens and not getting enough sleep, Raph has panic disorder, dyslexia, OSDD-1a and GAD, Leo has ADHD-I, autism, GAD and is bipolar, and Mikey has ADHD-HI, dyscalculia and autism. All of them have some form of PTSD post-movie.

Leo does know how to play chess please and thank you. He just does it for fun and doesn’t really practice.

Splinter has PTSD, is autistic and is bisexual (the most unrealistic thing is young Lou Jitsu/Hamato Yoshi in his 20’s NOT kissing men and enby hoes in addition to women). He’s not a bad father, he just passed some of that generational trauma of everything that’s happened to him, as well as his regrets and grief, down to his kids without even knowing and feels terrible about it once he realizes. He may have made so many mistakes as a father, but he deeply loves his sons beyond what they could ever comprehend, and he’d send anyone to the shadow realm if they laid a finger on his beloved turtle children.

Donnie and Leo (mostly Donnie) bite each other for no reason at all- not enough to hurt or draw blood, but enough for the bitten to yelp and want an apology from the one who did the biting.

April O’Neil is an also autistic lesbian polyamorous demigirl. She’s saving up enough money by working at The Foot shoestore partially for her top surgery. Sunita is her best friend soon-to-be girlfriend. They’re gay disasters your honor.

Cassandra Jones is MTF trans. Fight me on this one.

Sunita, despite being a teenage slime yokai, does celebrate and participate in Indian culture and does consider herself Indian (let me have my rep I’m starved of please). She’s also a lesbian demigirl, and is asexual and autistic. She also has the ability of superhuman bodily elasticity, even in human form (though it is restricted somewhat in human form). Sunita WILL call pilaf ‘biryani that needs therapy’ okay, she’ll fight you if you say they are the same thing.

Queerplatonic/non-romantic Apritello where they have a super close relationship greater than best friends but cringe at the idea of being in a romantic relationship together wya <3

April’s African American, we all know, but what about her being of Afro-Iranian Jewish descent and her mother’s Shakshuka and Latkes and Rugelach and Sufganiyot being her absolute favorite among all the stuff she makes. She gets MAJOR hyped by the time Hanukah comes around and tells the Turtle boys and Splinter about it.

And there’s more, but I’ll tell y’all about that later, or we’ll be here all day.

[shitouttabuck]

today the indian supreme court voted and refused to grant the right of same-sex marriage and put all the power in the union government’s hands instead—the same right-wing state that’s actively and violently hurting us—and it has been quite fucking rubbish even if a lot of us didn’t really believe they would have a different verdict and i’ve spent most of my adult life surrounding myself with other queer people but the first person to text me was my straight dude pal who i’ve known since we were ten and bonding over pokemon on the school bus and. if i WEEP. community is bigger than we let ourselves believe. love definitely is!

[rinkiyakimummy]

WELCOME TO MY RANT

fun facts about my dad that make no fucking sense to me because what is this man even and also how many days until i leave for college and go away

he gets super triggered if everyone in the house doesn't use the same kind of plate till the point of yelling at us, i do not get it. usually to spite him i take plates of which only 3 are present and make him use a different one. i feel great

he's always like what what what when i talk to my mom and likes to interfere in every single one of the conversations like even if he doesn't know the context or the people involved. really pisses me that he wants us to keep secrets from my mom and wants to know everything we talk about. LKG behaviour fr.

gets spiteful when someone says or does something he doesn't like and gives everyone the silent treatment like okay bud let's see how not eating the food my mom cooked and not drinking the water we fill for him hurts us. honestly it's great when he does this.

his stupid opinions that he acts are sacred words of wisdom just because he's older and people usually don't call him out on his bullshit. Examples of which include you become stupid if you sleep with 2 pillows because hormones can't flow to your brain (bro forgot that hormones are in blood and idk about him but there is blood in my brain) and that people with tattoos are characterless because tattoo==bad.

he thinks being queer is the same thing as fucking animals and he said it to my mom and my aunt in a conversation i overheard. not so great that your LESBIAN DAUGHTER heard it is it? He thinks queers should be THROWN OUT of civil society because they are monsters. WOW YOUR LESBIAN DAUGHTER IS GOING TO SHOCK YOU.

thinks that if i close my door at night i'm going to do BAD THINGS and WRONG THINGS and he can't trust me and he gets weirdly defensive if anyone in the house closes the door and that is so genuinely weird. his reason is that we are a family and we should share everything. DUDE I AM JUST CHANGING MY CLOTHES AND OR PEEING IN THE TOILET you can't be pissed that i'm peeing when you want me i'm literally peeing i can't help it

is literally like a toddler except he's like 48 years old. throws tantrums and gets super angry if he's hungry and sleepy. I've met 5 year olds who are more emotionally regulated. once screamed at my brother for falling down (yes that insensitive)

My mother is a saint who is a well rounded person who sees me and knows me and my dad is just some other middle aged indian man with personality issues (issues as in his sucks)

thank you

[besidesitstoowarm]

"The End of Time part 2" thoughts

happy valentine's my bf and i ate indian takeout watching this ep and both teared up when wilf saluted the doctor. there is so much going on here

so we open on the time lords convening and one of them says "the doctor still possesses the moment" a detail i did not recall. i can't wait to get to "day of the doctor" and track the throughlines. there's a seer predicting "gallifrey falls" again i say. apparently many people in the time war just die over and over on repeat, which is rough. rassilon describes the doctor/master relationship as "enmity of ages" their impact.

the master taunts the doctor about wilf saying "your dad's still kicking up a fuss" and wilf says "well i'd be proud if i was" it hurts me. the doctor calls donna his best friend and then says "you could be so wonderful....you could be beautiful" to the master hello? girl? the master says "i don't know what i'd be without that noise" and the doctor says "wonder what i'd be without you" HELLO??? GIRL??? the doctor tells the master he's dying and the master snaps back "this body was born of death, all it can do is die" we love inevitability!

so we get THEE laugh, the one repeated on echo from the last part, and it's the moment where the master realizes the time lords planted the drumbeat in his head. that's the moment that plays in everyone's head, the realization

ten and wilf are stranded in space. ten says he's 906, meaning only like 3 years have passed as ten?? the fucking second doctor was 450, two doctors (and two had more life to live after that convo) had 450 years and ten had THREE?? damn this bitch was busy. he and wilf trade war stories. wilf says they must all seem so tiny to him and he says "i think you look like giants" then he gets all melancholy again. "sometimes i think a time lord lives too long" yeah dude i remember lazarus too. he refuses wilf's gun until he realizes the time lords are coming back and then he SNATCHES it up

star wars ass scene shooting missiles out of the sky. wilf says basically it's okay if they're about to die but please tell him. ten does not say anything and they crash to earth instead. rassilon and the other time lords come back and everyone says exposition out loud. one of the dissenters was the woman who appeared to wilf in visions last ep, she clearly recognizes the doctor and the doctor clearly recognizes her. wilf even asks at the end who she was and the doctor doesn't answer. prevailing wisdom 10 years ago was that this was the doctor's mother but i don't think i believe that. if she is anyone we've met before, it's 1000% susan. before the war he was a father and grandfather and now he is NEITHER!! but he is STILL A DOCTOR!! it's rich to me. i want to ask russell if this was supposed to be anyone in particular i'd give anything. "vale decem" plays a little when they lock eyes

anyway the master shoots rassilon w force lightning for making him this way and they all get exploded i think? they all disappear anyway, time lock restored, just the doctor lying in a broken heap on the floor. wilf is locked in the radiation room and the doctor screams and cries and throws up knowing he has to save wilf (or feels like he does). "my reward" and all that. this doesn't really feel like rose to me, i'm not sure where this attitude comes from. closest analogue i can make is eleven snapping in "a town called mercy" where he even references the master as one of the lives lost because he showed mercy. he does save wilf tho, of course. he engages in his favorite pastime of "dying of radiation poisoning" and goes on his farewell tour

martha and mickey are married which is bullshit. he sets jack up with alonso which is cute. hi sarah jane and son. he stops by donna's wedding and gives her a lottery ticket (winning) w money he borrowed from her deceased father. wilf salutes, crying, and we both choked up watching. ten says "i'll see you one more time" did russell know? did he know. i'm glad it was true at least. then rose and jackie!! it's new years 2005!! i bet you're gonna have a great year!!

ood sigma plays him out. "vale decem" in full swing, it's a banger of a track. iconic "i don't want to go" and eleven's introduction by crashing his on-fire tardis. this episode was a wreck and made no sense. it's amazing and i love it dearly. gonna try and do a specials/era retrospective in the airport tomorrow

[nolanhollogay]

“i feel like i’m losing you.”

gale being winedrunk and angsting about her tumultuous relationship with her son? more likely than you think

+

Tate wasn't entirely sure why he got invited to a frat's karaoke night, seeing as neither he nor Chad were affiliated with them, but he wasn't going to complain. It was nice to get off campus for once, and even though his hands were still shaking with nerves because his paranoia would never let him fully enjoy himself, he was having fun. Chad had dedicated a raunchy Bruno Mars song to him, he hadn't been laughed off the stage as he sang Bidi Bidi Bom Bom, some guy named Owen was butchering an Adele song. All in all, it was a pretty good night.

Chad was next to him, not so sneakily stealing sips of his drink, hand warm as it sat on the inside of his thigh.

Tate grabbed his hand, locking their fingers together. "Which of these guys do you know again?"

Chad drank his own beer and grimaced at the taste. "Kyle G. The Indian guy with the glasses, and the.. you know, the Muppet face. We have Women's Lit together. We share notes."

"And how many Kyles are there in this frat?" he teased.

Chad's response was drowned out by Tate's phone ringing on the table. They both froze, and Chad gripped his hand tighter.

"Why do y'all look like you seen a ghost?" One of the frat bros, his name started with a D, asked.

Another one of them, Marty, smacked his shoulder. "They're from Woodsboro, dude."

"Oh shit," D replied, as breathless as Tate felt.

The caller ID said it was Tate's mom, which only made the sinking feeling in his stomach worse.

Chad scooped it up. "I got it."

"Chad," Tate warned, but before he could say anything else, Chad was swiping to accept the call.

"Hello?" he said, and the whole table waited with baited breath as the other person responded. "No, uh, he's, he's right here. Yeah, right next to me. Yeah, he's alright," Chad turned to look at him, whispering, "It's your mom, and she's crying?"

Confusion flooded his nervous system, fitting in right alongside the fear. "What?"

Chad handed the phone over, albeit reluctantly, and watched Tate press it to his ear.

She was in fact crying, quiet sobs and sniffles filling his left ear. "Tate, is that you?"

He'd never seen her cry, or heard it, for that matter. Some part of him kind of assumed she just couldn't. It made his stomach hurt, just the sound of it. "Yeah, mom. Is everything okay?"

That sent her into another fit of tears and Tate felt nauseous. The audience wasn't helping. The frat bros were watching him like he was prime time entertainment. It made his skin crawl.

He met Chad's eyes. "Come with me to the bathroom." He had scoped it out when they first arrived after making sure he knew for certain where all the possible exits were. There was a window that'd be pretty easy to get out of if it came down to it. And it'd be somewhat private.

Chad got up without another word, still holding his hand, and let him lead the way.

-

Once they were in the bathroom, Tate interrupted his mother's cries. "Mom, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

She blubbered, exclaiming, "It's my fault!" and he could feel bile in the back of his throat.

Chad rubbed his back, sending him a frown, his eyebrows creased in worry.

"Mom?" Tate asked, voice coming out small. "Mommy," he muttered, sounding so young that it frightened him for a second, "You need to tell me what's wrong because you're freaking me the fuck out. Are you okay? Where's Brooks?"

"He's asleep. I'm okay. I'm in your bed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for calling," The waterworks started again, "Sorry for freaking you out. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Tater Tot."

The nickname knocked him down like a gust of wind and he pressed his forehead to Chad's shoulder. The last two people to call him that were his dad, and then Amber. Hearing it was like being stabbed all over again.

"Mom," Tate breathed. "What do you want?"

"I feel like I'm losing you." It was an admission that he wasn't sure what to do with. "I lost Dewey and I know it's my fault, the fact that you don't like me, but I don't want to lose you too. I can't, Tate, I can't."

Sounding far away, he heard Brooks in the background. "Gale, what are you doing in here, babe?"

A moment later, he could hear the phone being taken from her, despite her protests, and then Brooks was in his ear. "Sorry, Tate. She had a lot to drink tonight. She probably won't even remember this in the morning."

And wasn't that the story of his fucking life?

"I'm gonna put her to bed. You have a nice night, alright? Tell Chad I say hi," Brooks said, before he hung up.

Chad's hand was tracing shapes on Tate's back under his sweatshirt. "That was.. a lot."

Tate snorted, "Yeah. Brooks says hi."

"You wanna talk about it?"

He shook his head. "Not right now. I'm sure the bros think we've been gutted and hung by our entrails by now–"

"Dark."

"–We should get back."

Chad didn't look pleased, but he didn't argue. "Okay. Can you get another peach crush so I can have it?"

Tate rolled his eyes, but let himself be pulled from the bathroom. "Buy your own drinks!"

[jehanne-gaudet]

"Eugh. I fuckin hate seafood…"

The first time I said it after I moved to California I felt something weird happen. It was in Brent's shitty just-outside-LA apartment.

"Yeah, same dude. Let's get Indian." Jeremy put no thought into it. It's just how he felt. So why did it make me angry?

"No you don't," I almost said. Maybe it's the T firing me up, who knows.

"What?"

"You don't hate seafood." I say again.

"Yes I do…? The texture of fish is gross, and that fishy taste makes me want to vom."

"Sure, fish tastes bad to you but you don't understand. You don't fucking hate seafood." I don't even know what I mean.

My mom puts her hand on my back, as if to tell me not to engage with it. But almost on que my asshole unc chimes in from down the table, "what's da problem, a lil bug never hurt nobody." He's shaking a crawfish at me with that almost-smile he does. Its insect legs are in full view.

My stomach turns, "I thought you were gonna just make me a steak."

Brent chimes in "I will, I'll start it in just a second. Just let me finish ordering." He types the rest of his address into DoorDash and starts scanning through the menus.

In 15 minutes I remind him again, "hey don't forget the steak."

"Oh shit my bad dude. Yeah let me start the grill." He slides his way around the crawfish pot and starts up his air fryer.

"Wait I just realized" he said "aren't you from New Orleans? How do you hate–"

"Slidell."

"Huh?"

"I'm from Slidell actually, but uh… yeah, close enough."

"Oh gotcha."

"… It's like the distance from here to LA."

"Right, right." He starts seasoning the steaks on a plate. I lost my appetite after the crawfish thing, but I guess it's just a matter of principle at this point. "So like what did you even eat down there if you don't like seafood?"

"Idk, just the same as you I guess." I never know what people mean by that. What, you think McDonald's is different in Louisiana?

"Right. Yeah okay, I guess so."

"What, your mamma don't cook?" My ex boyfriend drops himself into the couch where Jeremy was sitting before.

"No, no, she's cooking. It's just, she does seafood gumbo on Christmas every year, so I just get McDonald's." I explain.

"K____, I told you I can make you a steak instead," my mom shouts from the crawfish table. My name is Charles not K____. Whatever. I'd rather just eat before I show up, so I ignore her.

Brent goes on, "right I mean, I guess McDonald's is McDonald's." He drops the steak into the air fryer with a hiss.

I didn't actually tell Jeremy that he doesn't hate seafood. I don't even know what that would mean.

Jeremy walks back into the room after a few minutes, "Sorry about that, that was my mom. She just told my grandpa about my transition."

"Oh shit dude, how'd it go?"

"He was surprisingly chill."

I miss my mom. I don't really hear from family anymore.

The doorbell rings; it's our Indian food.

[sweetswesf]

Catch Up

Hey, Y’all. It’s been a minute. I’ve been operating on burn out. Been going. And not necessarily getting a lot done. I’m finally losing weight and seeing definition. I’ve been consistent with my workouts and although I haven’t worked a real schedule as if I was working again, I have managed to do at least SOMETHING everyday. There were days in the past where I would get absolutely nothing done. But even if it’s an hour or two, I make sure to do SOMETHING towards interview prep everyday.

I’m a little embarrassed that I am not further along. I don’t consume YouTube as much these days and I just blocked The Shade Room and other Twitter pages I consume heavily. I eat okay. My dad called last week and told me my little brother now wants to code. He suggested to my brother to reach out to me. Many emotions came up. Mostly anger, so I had to cut the convo short. I was angry my father hopped back into communication as if he didn’t hurt me. I was angry he suggested to my brother to reach out to me when my brother has had me blocked and blamed me for why he wasn’t getting opportunities when I set up his LinkedIn page and said I was trying to push him into doing something he didn’t want to do when I suggested he pursue coding.

My family ostracized me, called me all kind of bad names, took his side, told me to help when they saw I was right, never apologized for any of the things they said, and now wants me to help.

As a Christian, I must welcome him with open arms and not hold all that against him. I prayed to be a better person. God is giving me that opportunity. Forgive so that I may be forgiven.

It has got me down, but I need to remember not to get weary in well doing, and that well doing in continuing through the pain and not taking my anger or revenge out.

I had to cut improv guy OFF. Block him. He invited himself to church with me. Trying to give him another “chance”, he targeted my religion and something so sacred to me. I accepted. Then, a whole week later, he says, “Where’s the address? My friend may want to join.”

This triggered me because a lot of my “friends” invite me places or I invite them, and then they bring their partner along either without telling me or they tell me right before when it’s too late or awkward for me to back out. Just tell me you want to bring them. If you NEED them there, then are we really friends? I have trust issues. I have been betrayed so many times and I don’t feel like I give this same energy out to people.

So when this guy did it. I told him I wasn’t cool with it and why I wasn’t. I didn’t trust him and don’t know his friend at all. Didn’t tell me about the friend. This is the first time I’m meeting them in person. If you wanted to go with your friend, just go with them. Do they have an interest in meeting me? Or am I going to be the third wheel you all ignore and use me to show you around?

A lot of people have been playing with my time and emotions. One other dude I got let go with who has been awkwardly trying to hang out but never sets a sure date to meet and then apologizes and promises to meet as if this is something I want when this was what HE wanted and I’m just being nice, had the nerve to say he was lonely and now knows what it feels like to be a “minority” despite being Indian. I immediately called him out on it. He got way too comfortable. I’m so tired of people.

Also, my therapist been getting REAL lazy. She’s postponing our meeting, one meeting she had hella people in the background, another meeting she was at a cafe and had to change to her phone before her laptop died. I mean…

I just keep hearing my grandmother’s words: “You are so sensitive!” And maybe I am, dog! I keep encouraging myself to stay on it though, because there’s always going to be something to piss me off.

My other “friend” who I told y’all I was afraid to call a friend, showed me why I should tread lightly again. I had doubts about her from jump, but she’s been so nice. But when people show you who they are BELIEVE THEM! I had planned to surprise her and take her somewhere and told her to just save the date, but after she read an invitation to something else I sent her but never responded to it, despite us talking many times after that, I just canceled her surprise. I felt bad because I can’t get my money back, but I’m kinda jaded from being nice to people even after they’ve done me wrong. I’m spent.

I even told my pastor friend about the misogynoir, especially with all these Black men who get killed and their old tweets hating black women get exposed. She acknowledged it, but not quite in the way I had hoped. I regretted opening up to her.

Not everyone is going to treat me how I want to be treated or respond in the way I hope they would. I get that. I just would appreciate more validation and security in my relationships.

I just joined a community group of some of the members in my white ass church, and, upon meeting some of the women, they gave me the same look of fear a lot of white people have when you enter their space. I felt SOOOO welcomed. 🙄🙄🙄. Life as a Black woman can be hard. I so bad want to get my life together…but to go where? I miss New York like CRAZY, but there is racism and stupid exclusivity there as well.

I met up with a girl I met through a mutual acquaintance. She locked arms with me on NYE and walked and chatted with me for BLOCKS in the cold! I thought we were vibing. We exchanged numbers. She put the wrong number in my phone. It was off a number. I thought it was possibly a mistake. I went through 2 people to get her number. I finally got it. I hit her up to schedule something. She seemed ready, but had no suggestions on what we should do. I figured it would go bad at that point. And sure enough. Not only was she late but it was almost as if she was extremely shy. Like girl, you were all up under my arm all night. And no, she wasn’t intoxicated that first night (I don’t think). We eventually talked a bit more fluidly and she even mentioned sharing food “the next time”. So, idk, but it definitely left me feeling like a lot of people don’t deserve my time and generosity and that I should stop inviting people and only take invites right now.

I thought I’d volunteer weekly, but life been lifing. I met a woman last time and she was excited to exchange numbers and hold each other accountable. She’s from Brooklyn, so she’s been following up better. She gets it. She was just hella weirdly bossy volunteering and physically moved me to the point where I thought I would have to say something or get physical back. And I keep letting this stuff happen. Turning the other cheek because I am trying to give people grace and also control my temper better. I really be wanting to let people have it, but I know God is going to reward my patience. I read a scripture recently: only say good and helpful things. I’m trying.

Through all of this, you CANNOT say I don’t “put myself out there” or TRY! I be trying! It’s something about here dude…idk…

I also have been craving romantic intimacy with a man, but a lot of men, especially the ones I seem to attract, are EMBAARRRRRAASSSINNGGG!!! Every dream recently has been about me being intimiate with some dude from my past. I met a dude on Hinge last week. He was not gorgeous, just okay. He were quested to FT. First red flag. Just take me out. Don’t do none of this weird BS. Take the EXPECTED risk that comes with dating someone online, especially since YOU swiped right on me. Then his first date invitation was ice cream at night. Pardon my French, but I AINT NO ICE CREAM BITCH! Take me out to dinner! I entertained the FT and the invitation, but knew I was lowering my standards HEAVILY! So something in my mind said “SABOTAGE IT!” And I did. I asked him why ice cream and not dinner. He gave some stupid response that all seemed to revolve around what HE wanted. If you can’t afford dinner, or you’re tired of it not going beyond dinner, maybe you don’t need to date. You can pick a cheap spot. You think imma walk around in the cold at night on our first date because you “think it lends to better conversation”? If you struggle with coming up topics at the dinner table, improve your conversation skills, go out with someone you’re interested in getting to know, or put your ego aside and recognize that not every moment needs to be filled with a word! I need to get intimiate with these damn computer science concepts…

My neighbor in the apartment below me said my music was too loud. I felt embarrassed and attacked. Solange’s line about not even being able to be yourself in your home resonates with me heavy. I try harder to be quieter, but I don’t even be loud for that long. Just feels like them being anal and wanting to control something they don’t have control over and feeling like they can do it because I’m Black.

So, tomorrow, I’m going to see a comedian. He interviewed me a while back. I hit up his colleague who helped organize the interview, asking if I could meet him at the show. Haven’t heard back from her yet. In addition to meeting him, I’m hoping to make a huge romantic or career connection with someone the comedian knows. I know my potential is to be with and around powerful people who enjoy my company as much as or more than I enjoy theirs.

I would have loved to show my “friend” this, but I didn’t trust her and if she really betrays me, I don’t want to regret showing her that experience. Maybe that’s petty of me, but I have to protect my heart…it’s been getting beat up and I haven’t been saying anything…

I ate out today and felt so guilt about it. I kept thinking about the money, time, and calories I was wasting. It was good, but I couldn’t allow myself to enjoy it fully. I want to be a good steward of the gifts God gives me and I felt like I was indulging a bit and ignoring priorities.

I’m hoping a REAL break will allow me to reset and refocus. I don’t want to eat out. I don’t meet fake friends or people who are not interested in getting to know me too. I canceled a lot of plans and am opting to do things solo. I can’t wait for a true social group, a close partner bond, a community and city I truly enjoy, and a job I want to work hard for. I’m working at it. Praying for it. Praying that I’m doing and wanting the right things.

All that I want is coming for me. I have to focus on the positives: I’m trying things out, people are swiping right on me, I have my health, I’m looking better, I can still afford to hang out and take people out and do things for them, I don’t have to go home to people that make me sad, angry, or say mean things to me, I can study, I am learning, I am teaching myself, I have Wifi and electricity and water to wash my ass, I do have a lot of people that care for me. I live alone. I can get up and do these things myself. I am just really tired and the road ahead seems long, but I have to believe in me, work hard, face my fears, trust in God, and only fear Him. I pray for forgiveness if I am not representing him well. I should have joy.