#and apart from the fact that he doesn’t even know him that well A’vi isn’t the type to make the first step…

[avirael]

FFxiv Write 2023

Day 21 - Grave

It was the morning after the celebration at Lake Silvertear when Rael had woken up very early and stepped into the common room of the Rising Stones. No one was there yet and the rising sun shining through the frosted glass windows gave the room a special atmosphere you could only witness for a short period of time every morning.

Rael had just stepped in front of the bookshelf looking for a certain book Papalymo had mentioned a few days back, when a familiar face appeared in the room. Obviously in a hurry but still on silent feet A'viloh, who most certainly wasn’t a morning person, came down the stairs that led to their private rooms. In one hand he held a small backpack and with the other he stuffed some clothes into it, while heading straight for the exit.

"Where are you going?", Rael asked and made the Miqo'te jump with shock.

"Rael!", he exclaimed. "What are you doing here?!"

Rael held up a book. "I could not sleep anymore, so I thought I might as well get up and read a little before it gets crowded again. What about you?"

"Ah! I…uhm…", A'viloh gestured towards the door but didn’t seem to find a proper excuse where he was going.

"Are you sneaking out, A'vi.", Rael asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No!", he answered. "Why would I? I just… you know…"

Rael glowered at him and the Miqo’te folded. "Okay, maybe you are right... But I just have to get out of here for a while, that’s all…"

"Why?", Rael asked puzzled. Everything finally seemed to be alright again. They couldn’t understand what bothered him and there visibly was something bothering him. Usually they didn’t need to pry things like this out of A'viloh anymore. He knew he could talk to Rael. Something seemed off.

He shook his head and made a strangely sad face. "You wouldn’t understand that, Rael…"

Rael tilted their head and observed him for a moment. "This is about Thancred, isn’t it?"

A'viloh looked up in surprise and then back down to the floor, sighing deeply. Rael took that as a confirmation.

"But why? You are right, I don’t understand things like this very well. But I watched you sit at his bedside in tears for two whole weeks and now that he’s awake you not only refuse to talk to him, no, you do everything you can to avoid him. Why?"

"It’s better this way…", he muttered.

"Better?", Rael repeated incredulously and started to get an idea what this was about. "You do know that what happened to him wasn’t your fault right?"

"Wasn’t it?", the Miqo'te retorted. "I should have noticed something was wrong, Rael!"

"Noticed!?", Rael laughed. "How should you have noticed that. No one, not even his closest friends noticed, A'vi! You know why that is? That man is constantly wearing a mask, putting on a performance, it’s impossible to tell what’s true and what’s fake with him. No one would ever have noticed something was wrong with him because, Ascian or not, he wouldn’t have let anybody notice it."

A'viloh just shrugged. It meant that he disagreed and it made Rael furious but they tried to stay calm. "Please, just talk to him, A'vi! I’m sure he doesn’t blame you…"

"I just can’t, alright?", A'viloh exclaimed miserably.

"But why? You like him, don’t you? Even I can see that!", Rael asked and walked over to him.

A'viloh sighed again. "Maybe… I do, I think… but..."

"But?", the Viera insisted as A'viloh’s voice trailed off but the Miqo’te remained silent, staring to the floor with a grief-stricken face they only ever saw on him in one context.

"He is not U’laqa… is that it?", Rael asked silently.

A'viloh kept quiet and just glanced up at the Viera while biting his lip.

Rael sighed. "Oh A'vi… you know that U'laqa -"

"Is gone and isn’t coming back, yes I know. ", he interrupted. "By the Twelve, I know."

Tears started to run down his face and suddenly all his bottled up feelings just came pouring out of him.

"But I still feel so horrible! So confused and useless!… Some days… I don’t know… it all still feels so present. Everything happened so fast... Before I even realised it Laqa was gone. Just gone! You don’t know what that was like! One moment before he had been so close that I could feel his breath on my skin. It would have taken nothing but an ilm or two and I could have kissed him one last time. But then he was gone. Just like that! And after the shipwreck there wasn't even a body. I couldn’t even bury him! I could never say goodbye or that I’m sorry! And sometimes I feel like I will never get over the fact that he’s dead. That all of this was my fault. That I got him killed! What right do I have to—"

"What? No! This wasn’t your fault, A'vi!", Rael interrupted starting to see a pattern. But A’viloh was too upset to see reason.

"Of course it was! Without me he would never have left the Springs! Without me he would never have ended up on that godsforsaken ship! He only attacked that man, because he tried to protect me! And what was it all for, huh? Nothing! They got me anyway! His death was entirely meaningless and it was all my fau-"

"Stop!", Rael said loudly and shook him by his shoulders. "He did what he did because he loved you! That must be worth something, right? I may not have known him but I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself for this. And he also wouldn’t want for you to be miserable and lonely for the rest of your life just because you feel guilty!"

"It doesn’t matter! I just can’t do this anymore! No matter how hard I try, everything I touch, I ruin! I am cursed, Rael!", A'viloh tried to shake Rael’s hands off but the Viera didn’t let him and instead pulled him into their arms.

"I think I will risk it.", they said. "If only to prove you wrong."

For a moment A'viloh struggled and hissed but then he gave in and instead hugged the Viera back, hands clawed into the backside of Rael’s shirt and his face buried at their chest. "I don’t deserve you…", he muttered, his voice muffled. "I don’t deserve any of this…"

Rael shook their head and then rested it on top of the Miqo'te’s. "Enough with this nonsense now. You deserve all the love and happiness in this world, A'vi. And if you don’t believe that, I will remind you over and over again until you do."

A'viloh made a muffled noise that sounded like something between a sob and a laugh. For a while they remained like this until A’viloh seemed to have calmed down again. Rael patted him on the back and glanced around the still empty room. "Maybe it would be good if you let go of me now. It may look funny if someone sees us like this…"

Reluctantly the Miqo'te let go. "Thank you..."

"Anytime.", Rael said with a kind smile on their face. "What would you say to a few days of vacation? I’ll get some things and we’ll be on our way? Maybe some fresh air will really help your stubborn little brain to think all of this through…"

A'viloh returned their smile and nodded.