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PROMISE — ex!kenma x reader
SYNOPSIS: you and kenma don’t know how to be exes, but you also don’t know how to be together. so, you made a promise to yourself: this is going to be your last time.
WORDCOUNT: 1.4k
A/N: hrrnnng not proofread but ive been through all this.. so source: trust me. probably ooc kenma
You and Kenma had been on and off for.. a while. The two of you didn’t know how to be exes. You didn’t know how to move on. There was so much history, so much chemistry. How could you be as comfortable with anyone else as you were with each other? How could you love someone else as much as you loved him?
Despite breaking up over and over again, the two of you didn’t love each other any less; However, you were starting to get tired of this cycle. You didn’t want to feel like you had the world in your hands one day, and nothing the next. It was exhausting being with Kenma, but it was even more so being without him.
So, you made a promise to yourself. No matter how much you missed him, how much everything reminded you of him, how many times you thought about texting him, you wouldn’t. You weren’t going to go back, this was the last time.
The last time.
“Kenma, I can’t keep doing this. It’s so hard to keep this cycle up. It’s hard for the both of us.. You know it.” The boy was quiet, much like he always was when you were arguing. Quiet and passive. You hated that about him, how he would always let you do the talking. You wanted him to fight for you, dammit. Tell you that you were in the wrong. Keep you. You wanted him to keep you.
“If that’s what you want, okay.” He said, nodding. There was no expression in his face– he was never one to show his emotions. Your lip began to tremble and your eyes welled up. Dammit. There you go again.
“This– yeah. This is what I want. This is what we need.” He nodded once more. You turned around and began walking away. You were hoping for him to shout your name, grab your arm, anything to indicate that he wanted you to stay. But he didn’t.
The next few days were spent in your bed. You didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything, in case you saw him. Seeing him was the worst thing that could happen right now. His recognizable two-toned hair, hearing his soft voice, seeing his gorgeous eyes– the ones you fell for when you first saw him.
Those gorgeous, calm, golden fucking eyes.
You wanted to resent him. You wanted to be angry with him and you wanted to loathe him, but you just couldn’t. That boy, no matter what he did, was an angel. He was your best friend, your anchor. Someone you could go to no matter what, and now that’s gone. Now you had nobody.
Sixteen days.
It had been sixteen days since you and Kenma broke up, and the wound was still fresh. You were still heartbroken. You had been out in public and had seen him, and every time, your heart was torn even further. You kept him unblocked on everything, as did he. You were still easily accessible, and yet he did nothing.
You were mindlessly scrolling through your phone when you looked at the clock. 1:14AM. You should definitely go to sleep soon. You were just about to set your phone down when you got a text from an unsaved number.
You decided to answer it, you had nothing better to do anyway.
(xxx)-xxx-xxxx:
Hey
You:
Who is this?
(xxx)-xxx-xxxx:
Lol, deleted my number?
I didn’t think you were serious.
Ig I was wrong
You:
???
Who is this??
(xxx)-xxx-xxxx:
It’s kenma, sorry
I didn’t think you’d answer
Fuck. What were you going to do? You promised yourself that you wouldn’t get back together with Kenma, but you missed him so fucking bad. You were always the first to break no contact, but it was him this time. Maybe something was wrong? You should at least check if he was okay.
You:
Oh
Hi
(xxx)-xxx-xxxx:
Sorry
I thought you wouldve had my number saved
You:
No, I really was serious this time lol
But r u ok?
Yeah, use short messages– to convince him you were being genuine about ending the cycle.
(xxx)-xxx-xxxx:
Ya
R u?
You:
Yup
(xxx)-xxx-xxxx:
That’s good.
You:
Y did u text me?
Kenma:
Wanted to check up on you
And it’s cold outside
You:
?
Why does the temperature matter lol
Kenma:
Ok this is gonna sound completely crazy
But
Im outside
Like of ur house
And I was hoping you could talk to me in person?
But its ok if u dont
But I just wanna lyk im sorry
For everything
Is he being serious? He’s outside?? You peeked out of your bedroom window and there he was, a dark figure sitting on the curb across the street from your house. Were you going to go out there? Maybe just for a second. Maybe just to hear him out.
You:
I’ll be out
Moments later, you walked out of your front door in your pajamas and a hoodie. Feeling the cool breeze flow through your clothes made you shiver.
“Kenma?” You spoke, your voice slicing through the cold night like a sharp blade. He looked up from his phone and sat up, walking towards you.
“Y/n,” He said, almost sounding relieved. He walked up to you and you shied away from him, avoiding being too close. Kenma took a step back in turn.
“So, um, like in my text… I wanted to say that I’m sorry. For everything.”
“Kenma, you have nothing to be sorry about. I–”
“No, I do. I wish I had treated you better. I wish I had made an attempt to keep you with me, I wish I did everything differently. I wish I made you want to stay.”
In all honesty, you were shocked with how much Kenma just confessed. You never knew how much he was holding back, or even how much he cared. You knew he cared, but not this much. You never knew such a blank expression was carrying so much emotion.
“I– Kenma.. You were perfect. You’re an angel.” He furrowed his brow and shook his head, a street lamp illuminating his almost frustrated face.
“If I’m so perfect, why do we break up so much? What am I doing wrong?” Kenma reached for your hand and you hesitantly pulled away, pulling him out of his emotional mind. His facial expression softened and he looked sorrowful. “I’m sorry, I didn’t come here to yell at you.. I should go.”
When he took a step away from you, you muttered a small, “wait” Just barely loud enough for him to hear. He turned around silently.
“I want to talk about what we did wrong. And… how we can fix this. Us. Because I hate being without you, and I love you with my whole heart, I really do. I see you in everything, Kenma. I look for you in every stranger I meet and I think about you in everything I do.” Before you could stop yourself, the words were flowing out like a spilled glass of water– and your tears were spilling, too. You wiped your face with your sleeve and as you’re about to continue on, the warmth of Kenma’s body heat engulfs you.
“Oh, honey.” He says as he pulls you closer to him, letting you sob into his jacket. He begins to tear up, too, thinking of something to say. “Why are we doing this to ourselves?” The boy pet your hair and kissed your head until you got quieter, and eventually pulled away from him
You wiped your face once again and looked at him, the moonlight reflecting off of a single tear on his cheek. You cupped his face in your hands and wiped his tear away with a thumb. Instinctively, he leaned into your touch, letting more tears fall. Despite being with Kenma for so long, you had never once seen him cry, nor show this much emotion in general. You felt more connected to him than ever.
“How are we going to fix us, Y/n?” Kenma sniffled.
“Oh, Kenma, I have no idea.” You chuckled as you looked into his eyes. Those gorgeous, calm, golden eyes.
“I promise, I’ll try my best to fix us.” Kenma took your cheek in his left hand. He held his right hand out with his pinky up. You smiled and intertwined your own pinky with his.
“Me too, Kenma. I promise, this is our last time breaking up. We won’t ever again after this.”The two of you sealed the deal with a kiss and another hug, smiling warmly at each other.
“So…” You trailed off. Kenma looked curiously at you. “why were you outside of my house at 1AM? Were you—”
“No.. I was just taking a walk and ended up here— it’s not like that, I promise I wasn’t being a creepy ex.”
“Okay, whatever you say.” You looked at him suspiciously and then broke out into laughter, filling the silence of the night with your love for Kenma.
#haikyu#haikyuu#haikyu x reader#haikyu x you#haikyu x y/n#kozume kenma#kenma x reader#kenma x you#kenma x y/n#works ・゜��・．
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something about making things is that its so embarrassing. pg 4 is my favourite i wrote this bf the last one and incredibly late at night w minimal editing and i think it shows. also i sneepy i will update w the tones but it may be a few weeks.
#i think this one just reads worse. i lack incredibly in experience when it comes to 'hanging out' i have no idea how to write. vulnerability#also something to note is that these are not “canon” but are more or less in character. so like. these events may not have happened#but like the things you could inference about them and their lives from it is probably accurate..#this was more so me being sad after graduating.. ^-^#you can still give me critique!!! im still for it!!! btw!!!!!#i have no idea how to place speech bubbles. which im like. studying every comic i read now about this after da struggle.#but if uve got that specifically....#and anything else u think i could do better#hello yes see i draw#comic#my ocs#digital art
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replaying dav act 1 and the way i instantly prefer the minrathous route is wild sorry antiva 💀💀💀
#enjoying act 1 way more in general. i am RELAXED i am CRINGE i am FREE i already know what HAPPENS#but yeah lol i mean for my canon i'll leave it as is but dsjfhghj the compare and contrast of how i felt#with the viper vaguely writhing on a table versus lucanis being like 'i have no heart for anything but my city' is WILDDDDD#AND THE BLIGHTED CANALS. THE SPECTACLE OF IT#there were some good moments in the treviso arc for sure and i really like the arc with hardened neve. but u know#it does hurt cause i know how it could be. but i live for the drama of it and i'm very glad that i'm not losing access to everyone#(although that phantom cough is in there so we'll see how that develops. at the very least vi and teia are still there bantering)#idk. if i'm being real the crows were probably my biggest disappointment overall in the game lol#(not for the same reasons as everyone else- differences in their portrayal from dao is easily explained for me by the people we're hearing#from being literally the equivalent of royalty. imo there is way less retconning going on then just frankly narrowing of scope.#something not being mentioned doesn't mean it doesn't exist. but there's a lot i wish were mentioned! or landed better! anyways.#i did still like them overall! and i imagine playing a crow adds a little more connection there with teia and vi)#i think i will be way more satisfied with seeing them in more active turmoil#and to spend more time with the shadow dragons.#more tarquin more dorian more mae. that's a w from me#i do worry abt hardened lucanis from vague comments i've seen 😭 but again i live for the drama#it speaks#veilguard spoilers#vir dirthera
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mutuals how do you feel about Gregory's voice
#im just wondering#do you think he has a good voice and you like it#or do you think the performance could be better#or do u think he should be voiced by an entirely different person?#is there anyone u would cast for him#i personally think his voice could be a lot better and dont like it very much#i rlly like his voice actress but not her performance as Gregory#i think they should have gotten someone else to voice him FOR him#and not just settle for one of their already casted roles to use one less VA#u guys can have more than 4 voice actors u know....#pandas.txt#like its not awful or anything but i rlly think his voice could be way better
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there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)
#i know i just posted that other thing but ffs that is NOT how u handle someone in that situation everyone involved made everything 10x worse#yet it’s being treated like the right thing to do (which again ofc they’re cops they don’t understand harm reduction but still) like#seriously everything’s so forceful like u seriously think forcing ur friend to talk to u or forcing a patient to talk to a therapist under#the threat of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is gonna make her feel comfortable talking to u? or anyone? she’s just gonna trust u#less and get better at hiding it and speaking of which the taking away all sharp objects thing makes sense in theory but like think abt it#for a minute she confirmed she isn’t suicidal and this is her only way of coping so do not just forcibly take away all her coping mechanism#like yes she is hurting herself but it’s a COPING MECHANISM. she’s coping with something. help her with that don’t just take away her penci#sharpers or whatever (which btw since she’s an adult she could easily buy more stuff and yk learn to hide it better) which again has to be#voluntary it isn’t gonna work if u force someone to do smthn they don’t want to like as ur friend u could’ve made it clear u care abt her#and wouldn’t judge her for anything and r here if she wants to talk don’t just say “you have to talk to me” and casually threaten#hospitalisation when she isn’t ready in the moment like seriously if this wasn’t a badly written fanfic she would completely stop trusting#bcz given that this wasn’t even done out of panic i would like ffs u are NOT doing any of this right#oops sorry ranted abt the bad fic in my tags-#it’s not where the author’ll see it and know it’s about them i don’t feel bad abt it#this was my first time even looking at stuff for this fandom so#cw self harm in tags#idk if i need to tag anything else for that 😭#fanfic#ao3#ryan shut the fuck up
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...
#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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feeling inadequate about my writing tonight
#i don’t really have anywhere else 2 say this#been knocking into way too many cans of gas on bridges yknow and now the only bridges i have left r the spaces that r not doing me too well#admittedly.#it’s more of a me problem#do u know how hard it is to watch people ur age get supported by your friend groups when the only time you’re given the support is when you#claw and scream and beg for it. and even then#im back to not feeling 2 great about my writing#i know their writing is better than mine and that’s fine#it’s not fine but it’s fine . i can cope#i want to believe my writings decent so bad but the only people who read it r my best friend and some girl i met a few weeks ago#if my own friends can’t even fucking try to read it without me crying and begging them too then how is a large scale audience supposed to#if the people who love me and know how important my writing is to me can read it#how are complete strangers supposed to take that gamble#too saturated of a market and im not bringing anything 2 it#starting to think i should just do barrendejng or copywriting or whatever#the people I know are the same ages as me but they’re miles ahead of where I am and I’ve been writing for longer#i don’t think I’m getting better than this.#writing is all I have and I’m so mediocre about it#is it so hard to be asked to be understood and seen. Jesus Christ#ignore this if uve read it. ik shat advice I’m gonna get and its not gonna make feel any better#i just want to give up sometimes.#Anthony’s tumblr adventure#Anthony’s venting arc#there we go. a tag so anyone who follows me on here can block it#venting#that 2#while I’m here#I wish I knew someone like me.#could fix me maybe idk at least I could feel seen and understood by more than one person#begging. please.
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trying to tell other ppl about OCs is so hard and embarrassing, like yeah here's my automaton guy that I've been calling Empty Mask, yeah I nearly cried over the thought of him collecting broken porcelain dolls the other day, yeah he sounds kind of stupid but he's actually kind of a tragic character if u get to know his story,,,,,,
#I JUST FEEL SO STUPID TRYING TO EXPLAIN CHARACTERS TO PPL 😭😭#they always think empty mask is a weird silly name and it IS weird and kind of stupid fjfkdl#but its like. the cracked exterior shell of an automata and he's missing stuff behind the face shell.... THERES MEANING TO IT 😭😭#also its technically a placeholder name until he figures one out for himself once he finds a proper identity for himself...#BUT THE SAME THING WITH WARDELL#''yeah this is my guy who turns into a dog. um. the fae cursed him sort of and now he works for them? but he doesn't want to.#and he's... yeah u know what lets talk abt smth else actually'' DHDJDKL BLEASE i wish i was better at it#actually i could be better at it but i dont want to put effort into telling ppl stories if they dont care#and i cant tell if they care or not so i just give them a half-hearted explanation to judge their interest#and then ofc bc i do such a bad job then they aren't rly interested fhfkdl#but i AM a good storyteller if i actually put effort and heart into it 😭 I've been told many times how engaging i am w storytelling irl#i just. get scared to put effort into it LMAO esp when these stories Mean smth to me#i can tell someone abt when i had to try to cross paths w a black bear easy peasy bc thats just a thing that happened#but it doesnt Mean anything to me beyond it just being somewhat interesting#my characters though .... aaougghhh#dandy.cmd#vent //
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Batman has/had some kind of miscommunication going on with every single one of his kids. The bat family is just one big miscommunication trope after the other.
#him and Dick have miscommunication about how they see each other. Bruce sees Dick as a son and Dick sees Bruce as a father#but they didn’t think the other saw them that way so they never told each other. that’s what led to their fights in Dick’s later teenage#years and dick quitting and becoming nightwing. he thought Bruce only saw him as a ward/robin so he thought that as long as he couldn’t be#robin Bruce wouldn’t want him#and if didn’t help when Bruce stopped talking to him when he left. though to Bruce it was because he thought Dick didn’t want to talk to him#and also Dick really needs to tell Bruce like ‘hey you put me on a higher pedestal then you put even yourself which is saying something and#and I don’t like that cuz that’s too much pressure for me. and also since you did it everyone else does it and has done it since I was Robin#and it’s literally just a matter of time before I break from the pressure cuz I’m not fucking Superman and I can’t take it’#and Jason with the whole UTRH thing. you know all Bruce had to say was that he had tried killing the joker over Jason multiple times and#maybe just explain to Jason WHY he doesn’t kill. a simple ‘you’re better than me because if I killed one person I’d kill everyone’#or it could even just be a simple ‘I do love you Jason youre the kid that I felt most comfortable loving’#and also maybe a ‘I don’t think anything changed after my death and that makes my death meaningless which I think goes against your no kill#rule because I hat is the rule of not a reminder taht death means something. and by that logic my death already went against the rule so why#can’t you do it again for the man that murdered me.’ and Bruce needs to make a presentation: ‘all the ways Jason’s death meant something’#and Tim just needs a simple ‘I don’t see you as work I see you as family.’ maybe even a ‘you don’t have to be the grown up in this relati#anymore I’m sorry you were one to begin with. you should’ve always been the child’#now his miscommunication with Damian goes much deeper but I’m one hundred percent sure if they sit down and air out all of their feelings it#would help a lot but I have a feeling that won’t happen#a ‘I have trouble understanding you because both your trauma and compassion run deeper than mine and I also never had to grow up to be a#weapon’ from Bruce and a ‘I don’t understand your optimism and moral stubbornness and easness why is it so easy to be good for u?’#his miscommunication with Cass stems from two things a simple ‘why are you so afraid to show how deeply you love?’ from Cass maybe a#‘I’m jealous of you because you’re better than me not only in fighting but morally and emotionally’ from Bruce should fix it#and Steph— look I’m not even going to TRY to get into that that goes SO much deeer and wider than any one else’s miscommunication#but maybe a ‘you reminded me of Jason at a time where that wasn’t a good thing’ from Bruce should start things up#for Duke a ‘I can never truly understand what you’re going/have gone through and for that I’m sorry’ from Bruce should suffice#maybe also Bruce telling him that just because he sees Duke as a son doesn’t mean he’s trying any less to get Duke his parents back#oh and babs just needs to go up to him and say ‘I don’t like that what happened to me happened for your story and not mine and I don’t like#that you don’t let me make it into my story’ and then Bruce can follow up and say ‘I see so much of myself in you and it makes me worry and#also I can never look at you without feeling guilty cuz you’re right what happened to you happened for MY story so I’m at fault’#then the two can go back to being too much like each other and sitting at their respective computers
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one of the prev posts I was like oh cql? on the url and they WERE cql...but their top tag was...bad....but I don't even have the energy to refute their nonsensical arguments for it because like that's not what shipping really is about but also THEY REALLY THINK JC IS *THE ONE* TO MAKE WWX HAPPY AND LWJ IS BORING???? incest aside like jc makes wwx MISERABLE jfc canonically yeah lwj does make wwx happy and jc is left miserable and alone due to the consequenves of his actions including actively tormenting and mocking and humiliating and trying to kill wwx. go die mad about it 😭
#like 'wow their love for each other is so crazy and all-consuming its insane to thibk some boring lan cultivator could do that for him'#WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!!! their relationship is so unhealthy and marred by debt and obligations in the FIRST PLACE#and even without that yeah there's love there but they also just don't see eye to eye on so many things and jc actively impedes#wwx in things he wants or believes in and also treats him like shit like this is fully a sector of the fanbase who are just making things u#in their own head to enjoy#which would be mildly annoying if not for the fact that it's 1. INCEST#and 2. between two characters with THAT kind of history. wwx needs someone he can like...trust..#okay I guess I donhave the energy. I'm less angry at them calling lwj boring. yeah he is kind of boring but that's fine#wwx canonically doesn't think so and canonically is very happy w him#these bitches think his arguably abusive extremely immature and volatile pseudo-brother who tortured and tried to kill him is BETTER FOR HI#?????? brother jc is not better for ANYONE. there's loving someone and there's wanting to be around them and shit. like there's so much#history there it's lucky if they can even be friends again#like 🤢🤢🤢 what the fuck are you on. the narrative was pretty clear. media comprehension -100000#I don't even think this person is unintelligent or anything they just have incredibly bad and nonsensical taste#or at least used to. idk how old those posts were I fully admit#wwx with anyone besides lwj is a hard sell but jc is beyond insane for multiple reasons#even if you 'don't see them as brothers' which is an interpretation I guess they still have a horrible relationship#and jc makes wwx feel terrible bc he has a bad personality and blames wwx for all the most painful things that happened to him and he lashe#out constantly. like he canonically makes wwx miserable and forces him to prioritize jcs own emotional and physical needs. by the end he's#a little better. but he's also not the moral beacon wwx gravitates towards. he's pragmatic and callous#wwx NEEDS someone he can trust someone who shares his principles someone who will take care of him and not demand him to crush inconvenient#parts of himself and play nice. to cater to someone else's feelings#like...structurally they're so well matched this post was insane I hate c/x shippers so much 😭#cor.txt
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it’s not that it makes me sad per se but i really could’ve been dating someone i did actually kind of really want to date since JULY. and now the moment is literally so far gone and i didn’t realise until the moment was so far gone !!!
#like it actually doesnt make me sad because there wouldve been major complications Had we dated#and the person who i trust most in this world has told me theyre glad it didnt happen#and i think in the long run he’s not the First person i should date anyway like in an ideal world we’d date like. 2-3 years on from now when#i’d been in at least one relationship to work out how i operate in a relationship#but it’s also like i wish i had known that the opportunity was there and i wish i had taken it#and part of me goes well maybe in 2-3 years it COULD happen#but i think that does a disservice to the person he’s dating now like . i do hope they’re happy and it goes well for the both of them#AND ALSO ITS WEIRD AS FUCK TO BE LIKE OH WELL MAYBE IN A FEW YEARS ILL DATE THIS PERSON *AFTER* another person??????#like bitch who do you think u are that you’ll have managed to date ANYONE in that time and also why the fuck would u date someone without#hoping it would last????????#but thoughts ≠ action nor are they inherently moralistic#but also that’s a weird way 2 think about relationships#it’d be funny if it happened though#idk i just think that if the timing was different he and i could have so much fun dating like genuinely i think it’d be a really good time#but it’s really weird because i’m not pining away after him or anything like ik it sounds like i am#but it’s not like that it’s more just that it’s opened up all these thoughts that i hadn’t really thought possible before ?#and they’re not possible NOW bc he’s dating someone else so i’m in exactly the same position but idk#i think i’m getting too settled. i’m TOO SETTLED.#because it’s literally not normal to think oh maybe in three years we could date and it’d be better timing for both of us ???????????#unhinged behaviour. what the fuck is that.#it’d be fucking hilarious if it happened tho
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I don't want to get off my phone I don't want to stay on my phone I don't want to pump gas I don't want to do deliveries I don't want to get ready for bed I don't want to write anything of substance I don't want to create I don't want to not create I don't want to be here I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to move I don't want to stay still my brain and body seem to simply want to sit here and Yearn
#is this like a shutdown i think we're having a shutdown#cuz like#we're not experiencing the pain of the overwhelm#but that's because we're dissociating really bad#like am i blitz are we blurry have we been in this parking lot for hours#why can't i just do anything but type#we're just sitting here numb and unmotivated#vent#i guess#tagging in case as always#idk man#“get a hobby” we have several#“get a life” we have. one but we have to share#“get a job” 2 jobs going on possibly 3 next month ok im starting to understand#we are indeed having to face a future and have no solid Plans yet#i thought getting our biggest worry out of the way now that my cat is w a trusted friend would help#but everything else is at the Forefront of our mind now whoops!!#ironically it would be better if we just. cane up w a plan#but noooo sensory overload from our own fucking chatter#allllll dayyyyyy#fuckkkkk#we're probably gonna go to bed lol i can try again tomorrow#we're ok just. we “shouldn't be” if that makes sense lol#if we're going to be a wreck i wish i could at least provess it#like it's worse than emotional denial i straight-up don't have access to said emotions rn#“don't underestimate my capacity to not wanna” type shit sjfhhshsh#oh also we need to eat dude come on#dont want to do that either but alas we need nutrients to live#at least we like living!#usually lmao also i did it (apparently) i reached 30 tags. thank u tumblr i love yapping
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speaking of genbu's "serious" sounding tone in his voicebank, i think that might be why he was such a dead ringer for teto pre-synthv-bank-release with just a couple little gender parameter tweaks. wait do my followers know this. sorry i know most of my vocal synthesizer talk is genuinely gibberish to my beloved and loyal long time followers but do you guys know this. for a few years, people had discovered that since utau teto and genbu have this similar strong enunciation and dark sounding tone plus teto can have a bit of a tomboyish edge to her voice anyway -> if u mess with some parameters and phonemes he'll sound close enough to her, so it became a bit of running gag in the community, along with just being a genuine and novel use case for his voicebank. actually recently i found out about someone who made a couple of synthv scripts to set genbus voice to his falsetto pitch and set the tension to drop during each syllable automatically to make him sound like the utau sora amaha. genbu's purpose is to impersonate other vocal synthesizers
#i wasnt familiar with sora until i found that video. apparently she's voiced by lon? like that lon? like the utaite?#which is really neat! every day i find out about another utaite or seiyuu or someone who is involved with vocal synths in some fashion#im still reeling from anju inami providing the voice for a cevio bank! oh and the other day#i learned that the utaite kano was involved with the japanese version of luo tianyi#only to clear up some pronunciations - most of the bank is apparently the original provider. but its really interesting!#also jk jk genbu i love you. you are youre own vocal synth. you dont have to be her (teto). be yourself!!!!!!#i do love when people make teto and genbu have beef though. its so funny to me#tbh ive never been a teto user. shes not bad or anything i just never had any desire to use her utau bank. i keep her sv lite around tho#just in case i feel like making her bully genbu or something. bully that grown ass man#wait is she older or younger. i forgot how her fucked up chimera age worked again. oh well. whether ur 30 or 16 u can still bully him <3#its a family activity. fun for all ages! anyway yeah i was never much of a teto user. tbh i think its just because like#if i want to hear a teto cover someone else probably has already done it far better than i could even think to LOL#i like when other people use her! sasuke haraguchi's use of her in hitomania and igaku has been magnifique#but i think with vsynths i prefer to use voices i like that no one uses much LOL#gives me much more drive to make covers if i know im one of the few doing it HJKDSLJ#whenever i get tired to pitchbending fast syllables (my least favourite part LOL) i think to myself.... i must.... i must....#do it for him (genbu)..... hes not very popular since hes not the only male japanese voice anymore..... i must do it for HIM!!!!!!#(tunes one phoneme and explodes on impact)
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as a certified Aromantic Asexual (I should make myself a certificate) I genuinely don't Believe there is systemic oppression that specifically targets Aromantic or Asexual people.
I do however believe that people Cannot be normal about ppl who don't have sex or romantic relationships, and that can Really Impact Aromantic And Asexual People.
Also like. Aros n aces are still. Experiences Other forms of oppression that can interact with the aro and/or ace-ness
#Like. Woman doesn't get married. Maybe aro maybe illegal for her to marry who she wants maybe no fuckin reason. She's probably gonna get#Some shit for it but that's primarily misogyny. While it does affect aro ppl disproportionately bc. Yeah. It's not based on them being#Aro it's a conicindental intersection. Also can y'all be normal about sex and virgins#Anyway slightly related dreaming of a world in which it was better acknowledged that sex repulsion while common for ace ppl#Was not synonymous w being ace so we avoided the ace discord phenomenon that a bunch of gay/lesbian/bi ppl mis identified as ace#Bc they couldn't deal w the idea of having sex w a person of the same gender#With the idea of actually having sex bc it was treated as gross (sex repulsion as a result of society) or that trauma survivors#Misidentified as ace bc they had issues w sex bc trauma. Also that sex repulsion wasnt like an identity but rather a Symptom that could be#Either a problem or neutral. Who else's brain was boiled by ace and also inclus/exclus discord and came out thinking everyone was fucking#Stupid. Like both sides had Points but it was mostly just bullshit and no one fucking talking. Also ppl kept talking about ace ppl#''stealing resources'' and multiple ppl joked Abt that which is a problem bc that means. A BUNCH OF LGBT PPL DIDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT RESOURCE#THEY HAD (anyway looking back on it. Idk if ace ppl were even taking up resources or anything like the common example was LGBT shelters#Bc like if u were gay u might be kicked out of a normal shelter but if u were ace u would probably not get kicked out so if an ace person#Went to an LGBT shelter then they might've taken a bed from someone who needed it more which. I guess is theoretically possible but also id#If that ever fucking. Was something to actually give a shit Abt. Correct me if I'm wrong)#ALSO the idea of ''all gay ppl should go to hell'' ''oh do bi ppl only half go to hell?'' sure thats probably a problem but also. A LOT OF#THOSE WERE EVERYONE DOING IT INCLUDING GAY PPL? LIKE THE FUCKING ''ALL GAY PPL SHOULD BE ON AN ISLAND AND THE POPULATION AUFNFJNSAJ''#like does anyone else remember that. Everyone was making those stupid fucking jokes. This is just a rant Abt me being on Tumblr without an#Account for years and the psychic damage I've accrued. Anyway fuck AO3 goodbye
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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