#and am now working my way through cutting out. All 21 sheets of it

[mysteryshoptls]

Episode 5-21 Rhythmic Lyrics

SING AND DANCE WITH THE WHOLE TRIBE!

Piece of My World

Kalim/Jamil/Vil/Epel: You can hear it from beyond the door, can't you? It's waiting for you, let's go to Wonderland!

Vil: I always want to feel thrilled. Vil/Ace: So give me a sign. Jamil: There's no time for you to blink Jamil/Rook: The magic is starting now

Rook/Ace: AH AH

Jamil: Nobody ever wants to lose Deuce/Jamil: The moon urges us on Vil: Ring out your footsteps sharply now, come on Vil/Epel: Before the break of dawn arrives

Jamil: I'm trying to figure out Epel: Just who I am Jamil/Vil: Even though I'm capable of piercing my way through

All: Let's dance to this twisted rhythm That spirit you have even when defeated is still charming It really doesn't matter, Don't you think it's okay to be just a little bit bad?

All: All these thrills are pieces that make up who I am I'll show you an enchanting world within the darkness

Jamil/Vil/Epel/Rook: Take a peek on the other side of the door, It's waiting for you, let's go to Wonderland!

The verses below are not in the rhythmic, but the full song was finally revealed in the TWST Soundtrack. Although there is an NRC Tribe version of the song, I can't trust that I'm picking up the correct voices (other than Jamil, Vil, and Epel) to label them correctly. If we ever get a lyrics sheet saying who sang what, I may update this. The final chorus to the end were originally revealed during a broadcast of the Night Ravens singing Piece of My World.

The clock hands keep ticking on Now, make it go faster These impatient footsteps, this throbbing pulse, come on Before anyone else arrives

I was trying to capture Just who I am Even though I actually like my imperfections.

Let's sing to this twisted world This fluttering feeling inside my chest is very real That lame thing called common sense, Don't you think it's okay to just throw that all away?

All these thrills are pieces that make us all shine I'll find the key to everything within the darkness

♪♪♪

When the night finally leaves us, I'm sure we'll surpass what we are now (The twisted world will show us the way) As long as my personal fate doesn't impede my way

Drink up the overflowing magic, Even if the pain and frustration gets in the way. It really doesn't matter, I'll show the world that everything will be mine!

Let's dance to this twisted rhythm. That spirit you have even when defeated is still charming. It really doesn't matter, Don't you think it's okay to be just a little bit bad?

All these thrills are pieces that make up who I am I'll show you an enchanting world within the darkness.

Take a peek on the other side of the door, It connects inside of you, that Wonderland!

AH AH NA NA NA NA NA NA NA Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Come along Wonderland!

Piece of My World (Translyrics)

Under the cut, the following English lyrics should match the Japanese lyrics fairly well. Some liberties have been taken to make the rhyme and rhythm work, but stays true to the core of the song. It may take a few listen and read throughs to sing it just as I've envisioned it. I've also spaced them out slightly separately from the original written lyrics in-game to help with figuring out the beat.

Can’t you hear it calling? Right beyond the door there For you it’s been waiting Let’s go to Wonderland!

I always wanted to be thrilled beyond belief So now, give me the cue And if you blink too fast I’ll have to give you grief All the magic will be starting soon

AH AH

There isn’t anyone who ever wants to lose Yet the moon will taunt us Let out sharp footsteps to help the tension diffuse, hurry Before the break of dawn arrives

It’s hard to figure out What all I can become But even so, I power through what may come

Keep on dancing here with me to this twisted beat Your strong spirit shines even when you’re faced with a defeat Don’t you ever mind, You’ll find, Being a bit bad can be so sweet

All these thrills are pieces that make up who I can be I’ll enchant you within the deep darkness unfurled Yes, in this wonderful world

It’s what you’ve been seeking Right beyond the door there For you it’s been waiting Let’s go to Wonderland!

The clock continues to keep ticking ever on So now, speed up the time With footsteps restless and rash, and heartbeats pounding fast, hurry Before anyone else arrives

I think I've figured out What all I can become But even so, to my faults I may succumb

Keep on singing here with me in this twisted place This strange feeling binds my chest warmly in a tight embrace No one needs common sense, so Throw it all away without a trace

All these thrills are pieces that make us shine so brightly I'll figure out where in the deep darkness it's found The answer that keeps us bound

♪♪♪

When at last the night leaves us, we'll have left our old selves behind (This twisted world will guide us along to the right path…) Just as long as my own destiny Doesn't end up misaligned

Swallow down all the magic that's overflowing Even if frustration and pain tries to clip both your wings I don't even mind, You'll find, One day I'll get to have everything

Keep on dancing here with me to this twisted beat Your strong spirit shines even when you’re faced with a defeat Don’t you ever mind, You’ll find, Being a bit bad can be so sweet

All these thrills are pieces that make up who I can be I’ll enchant you within the deep darkness unfurled Yes, in this wonderful world.

It’s what you’ve been seeking Right beyond the door there Feel your soul connecting Right to the Wonderland!

AH AH NA NA NA NA NA NA NA Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Come along Wonderland!

[rubydubydoo122]

Jason gets de-aged because I've seen fics of Tim or Dick being de-aged, and Bruce losing his memory, but no one has realized the potential for angst if you de-age Jason.

Something was different about Gotham. Sure the streets were relatively the same, but the buildings seemed different. Less run down. Newer. 

They passed a fire station that had an electrical board that showed any events, the weather, the time and… the date?

“Holy crow? It’s 2023? Does that mean I– does that mean I time traveled?” That would make him 21– nope, 20 because it was April. His birthday wasn’t for another 4 months. “This is so cool. Can I meet me?” Was he in college? Of course he was, there’s no way he would throw all that away. Did he get another growth spurt? He was probably cool. 

“I’m pretty sure you got de-aged, since you’re still wearing your suit. I think if it was time travel you would’ve showed up in your…” Stephanie glanced back at him like she had just realized something, but immediately shot her eyes back on the road “Robin costume.”

Wait. He wasn’t still Robin? A grown adult being Robin did seem kind of silly though. Dick had become Nightwing when he was 18. They kept calling Jason “Red Hood” . Was that what he called himself now? How in the world did he convince Bruce to let him use guns? Why did he use guns?

Steph lifted a finger to her com, “Um..quick question, who’s in the cave right now?” 

The question didn’t echo in Jason’s ear so he assumed that maybe she’d switched to a different frequency. Which was kinda rude, but also maybe polite because the reverberation is kinda annoying.

“Ok good, Oracle already filled you in. We’re coming up on the cave, Agent A, maybe you should put a sheet or something over the case.” a pause, “How am I supposed to know? I didn't know you people then.” she looked at Jason again, “He still has the white streak in his hair. If that helps?”

“I dyed… my hair?” He tried to get a glance of himself in the side mirrors and sure enough he had a streak of white near his forehead, “ Cool .”

They got to the cave, which had a lot more bat-themed vehicles than Jason remembered. No duh, it’s been like five years. 

They got out of the bike and walked further into the cave. Well, Stephanie walked, Jason waddled because his pants and boots were way too big. She turned around with her phone and took a picture with a shit eating grin. 

“What- hey! Delete that!” He reached to grab the phone but she moved it just out of reach. Screw her and her tallness.

“No can do, bitty bird. It’s not often I can get blackmail on the Big Bad Red Hood.”

She was basically a stranger and now she has a picture of him. Sure she was let into the batcave, and Bruce probably trusted her, but that doesn’t mean he was comfortable with her taking pictures of him. Jason’s eyes felt like they were burning in shame.

“Miss. Stephanie, don’t tease Master–” Alfred was cut off by a hug, 

“Alfie!” Jason couldn’t see Alfred pale in his arms. Because other than the white streak running through his hair, Jason looked almost exactly how he did before he… left. For Ethiopia. 

Alfred wrapped his arms tightly around him. Afraid that if he let go, Jason would run away and he would lose him for a second time. “...Jason.” 

Jason shifted in his arms, because hugs with Alfred were never this long, even when he was hugging Dick. Did Jason not see Alfred anymore? Nah, that could never happen. Even if Jason was angry at Bruce (which he couldn’t be for that long) he would still try to see Alfred at least once a week. But the hug felt good.

Alfred cleared his throat before letting go, “Dear god, you are practically swimming in those clothes. I’ll see if I can find something that might fit, Master Jason.”

And before Jason could thank him, Alfred was gone. 

He started walking deeper into the cave because if it really was 2023, there’d better be much cooler technology and if there wasn’t, Jason was gonna be really disappointed. 

But of course, since Jason was wearing clothes that were meant for someone who was Bruce’s size, he stepped on the leg of his pants and tripped on his boots while trying to catch himself.

“These boots are ten sizes too big.” Jason totally wasn’t whining as he kicked them off and started aggressively rolling up his pant legs, “You could probably put these pants on a giant and they’d still be a nuisance to keep up.”

There was a huff of a laugh that did not sound like Stephanie’s. “Well, you are usually kind of a giant, Jason. You probably scare more badguys than Batman.” There was a teen in pajamas offering a hand out to him, “I’m Duke.”

Jason accepted the hand, “Thanks. It’s nice to meet you, but I don’t think it’s possible to be scarier than Batman.” Who was this kid? He seemed about Jason’s age. Did he know Bruce was Batman? Was he the new Robin? 

Duke shifted from side to side, “Yeah, you’re right, I was just trying to start up a conversation.”

Alfred came back into the cave with a pile of clothes in his hands. “After you change, Master Jason, meet me in the medbay. I’m sure Master Bruce will want to run some tests.”

That meant he was about to be poked and prodded. And ever since Jason’s mom died–

No… It can’t end like this… Gotta get you out of here….I’ll save you mom…It’s locked! 

“Master Jason?” Alfred had placed a hand on Jason’s arm. 

“Thanks Alfred.” Jason took the clothes with shaky hands. That flash of– maybe a nightmare, left him feeling clammy. He could see Stephanie walking over to them and Duke was looking at him with a slight frown. They couldn’t see Jason like this, scared of what his own brain conjured up for no apparent reason. So he quickly headed towards the bathroom to take a shower, to wash away the sweat. Not the fear. 

He had… a lot of scars. Scars that he didn’t remember getting. The two most concerning being the one on his throat, and the Y shaped scar running down his torso. If Jason didn’t know any better, he would think it was a scar from an autopsy. But he was very much alive. 

Jason peeled his eyes away from the mirror and hopped into the shower. He felt like somehow, he was intruding his own privacy. And he was grateful for the turtleneck that was slightly too big because he wasn’t sure if the scars were something he wanted everyone seeing. Because the clothes he was wearing before seemed to cover them up.

Jason could hear the roar of the batmobile. Bruce . Yeah, maybe things have been kinda rough between the both of them recently, but Jason was confused, and scared, and all he wanted was his dad. 

Except by the time Jason had reached the Batmobile, it wasn’t Batman coming out of the driver's seat, it was–

“Dick?” Jason had to do a double take. His costume was a lot more muted. Less blue and more black. Also, since when did Bruce let Dick drive the batmobile? 

Two other people were coming out of the batmobile too, but before he could get a good look at them, he was engulfed in a hug. Which was weird. Really weird. Because Dick rarely hugged him. 

Dick pulled away, “I forgot how small you used to be.”

“I wasn’t going to point out how old you look, because I’m a nice person, but you look old. ” Even with the mask on, Jason could tell. Well, it was less physical, and more of a vibe. There was a different aura of maturity surrounding his older brother. He seemed to be less of a ball of rage and more… Well, calm. 

There was a mumble that came from near the batmobile.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”

The kid, who was maybe the same age as Jason. He held himself in a way that screamed, I’m better than you . And he had the Robin ‘R’ on his chest. But the costume held little resemblance to the normal Robin suit. Almost all the colors and light had been stripped from the costume. It fit the vibe of Gotham, but it couldn’t be Robin. He also got a sword. A sword. “Are those my clothes?”

“I dunno. Alfred gave them to me.” Jason pulled the sleeves over his hands and crossed his arms. 

Emo Robin was looking at him funny. Jason could see the puzzle pieces clicking into place. Before the look was covered by a look of arrogance, “Tt” and he stalked off. 

Dick watched as Emo Robin went to the cave's bathroom, and then looked back to the third person. The girl who had come out of the passenger seat of the Batmobile. 

“Remembers. Recognizes.” She shrugged and locked eyes with Jason. 

She had a mask in her hands, and was wearing all black with the signature yellow bat. The way she was looking at Jason made him feel like she knew everything about him, but it didn’t feel wrong. If anything, it was kind of comforting. He offered her a little smile. 

“I am Cass. Your big sister.”

Jason felt his smile widen even more, “I’ve always wanted a sister.” 

She just ruffled his hair in response. 

Jason looked back to Dick, “um… where’s Bruce?” Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to ask the dude who was almost constantly getting into screaming matches with Bruce where he was, but Dick was driving the Batmobile, which meant they have to have made up in the past 7 years. 

“He’s just tying things up with Commissioner Gordon. So he sent us ahead.” Dick gaze was searching his face. “Do you want me to ask him to wrap up sooner?”

As tempting as that was, Jason shook his head, “Nah, he’ll come home eventually.” 

Dick opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but then shut it, “I’m gonna go change. I’ll be back.” 

That… was probably the most awkward conversation he’s had with Dick. And that was saying something, because that conversation before Dick officially passed the mantle of Robin to Jason had been pretty tense. This was tense in a different way. 

“Master Jason?”

“Oh! Right! Sorry Alfie. I’m coming.”

[kafkaoftherubble]

Hello friend!

11, 12, 21, 23 for the ask game :3

A rare moment when I, Lyndis, reblogs an ask game and don't say shit like DON'T ASK ME I HAVE NO TIME TO WRITE A RAMBLE and THIS IS FOR MY MUTUALS TO REBLOG SO I CAN ASK YOU.

12- What do you want to be remembered for when you die?

Honestly, I don't mind not being remembered for anything, since I'm more interested in my actions than other people's memories of me.

I favor people remembering me in occasional snippets, flashes of memories simply because some actions or experiences reminded them of me than everyone trying to make sense of who I was only after I died.

I remember people this way, too; plenty of stuff that happens now will remind me of someone—no matter how distant they were. They could be my friend for those few hours while we were in that children's park, or a stranger I just happened to be staring at as something happened, or a person who had wanted to befriend me but didn't know how to bridge the gap because I was so weird.

I will remember the event(s) that involved them. And then the current me will have new appraisals and understandings of that person in this memory. Many of these random people are still alive (I guess through statistics! Ahahah!), but they are already remembered because their actions meant something—for good or ill, and sometimes, both—to the me of that time.

So I prefer that. I don't want to be remembered as the person I am at the time of death. I want to be remembered as the person I was at a snippet of time because of a deed I've done. Good or bad, it's fine.

---

Wow, I am already writing a loooooong one. BUT YOU EXPECTED THAT, DIDN'T YOU?

MORE UNDER THE CUT.

21- How would you dispose of a body?

Hey, wait a second. What makes you think I will ever need to do this?! I need to read up on the literature, put out a Microsoft Excel sheet on bibliography and citations, and then write a thesis to come up with a good way of disposal. You can't just spring this one on me!

I think I will dismember it and store the parts in vacuum bags separately to throw them away (without the bags because they don't decompose). Feeding it to wildlife at the bottom of a canyon or high in the mountain is great, but I don't have that sort of place nearby.

If I have the money, I will do it the normal way. Funeral homes and cremation.

Hmm... If I live in Scandinavian countries, body disposal might be an easier feat given the vast forests. At least, that's what Nordic noir films and drama say. Also, if I were to live in those countries, I don't think I'd resort to murder to solve my problems, cause' I kinda think violence is the means of the incompetent (and sometimes, the choiceless). Yea, I don't think I'm the type to kill for pleasure.

---

23- Would you rather be burned at the stake but die a saint beloved by all, or die peacefully but have nobody remember you?

Oh! Hmm. Again, since I don't mind not being remembered the way most people conceptualized "being remembered" (see my answer for Q12)... the latter isn't bad at all.

This is particularly because this question didn't preclude the latter from also being helpful and benevolent to the people who live around them or even performing deeds that go a long way toward helping a lotta people. They just don't get burned at a stake. Or be recognized as a saint for their work. Aye, that's not bad at all!

In the case where the sorta things I want to do—or the deeds worth doing—deadass ensures a fate at the stake as a beloved saint, and there's absolutely no way out of this?

Urgh, fine. But I will definitely be complaining. Even my AAHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUCKKKK will have tonal inflections so you know I died complaining. I will go out noisily.

It's kinda funny, but I'm now wondering which feels more embarrassing to me. The fact that I'm tied to a stake for this fiery punishment, or the fact that I'm somehow a saint and everyone loves me. Bruh?

I'm telling ya, both make my cheeks burn. The former does that literally once the pyre starts, though.

---

11- When’s the last time you cried?

The last time I cried was Monday night.

Now, you might wonder why. I will tell you because I don't want you to be worried. But there's a reason why this is the last one. I won't be graphic, and it's ultimately—objectively—very ridiculously trivial, but it may be triggering to people with OCD. Which Future Lyns are.

I tried to be Bob the Builder but ended up hurting both of my thumbs because it turned out, I am Blud the Bozo ("Can we fix it? Yes, with BLOOD!"). One of them was a stab wound, and the other was a cut on the print.

I... I have problems with gashes and cuts. Let's just leave it at that.

This wound didn't even bleed; it was just a dermal cut. Anyway, I got it wrapped with a normal plaster.

When it got to the evening, the plaster came off because I was doing the dishes. I heal quickly, so I thought it must have healed. I didn't look very carefully because I can't stand looking at cuts.

While watching a show with my sister and cousin, my thumb suddenly became itchier and itchier. It became painful, but the itch-pain ratio kept changing. I tried to ignore it, and then I couldn't. It became so overwhelming that I was clutching my hand with another as though I was Kakashi Hatake about to do a Chidori.

My sister was like, "BRO, JUST GET IT DRESSED UP, JESUS."

So I told them to continue watching while I went upstairs to my room, where the first-aid bag was.

Then, suddenly, I fell to the floor and started bursting into tears. Legit just sobbing so hard. It wasn't the most painful shit in the world; brutha I have menstrual cramps that can knock me out in public to the diners' horror. This was just itch-pain.

But it's the imageries, yea? That it will be torn open because I would do that. The pain was me tearing it apart! Even though I did no such thing. I pulled my thumb as far away from my other hand because I was afraid that it was true, but it was still itchy and painful and enticing me to rip it, but I didn't want to do that at all, ya know?

I realized that I couldn't even control my body well. It was shaking. My fingers were trembling uncontrollably. The floor was wet with my damn tears. I was just whimpering, man.

Now, the one thing I'm proud of is that my brain has its autonomous zones. The metacognition regions of my brain are fucking ripped, bro. They can operate even when I'm about to black out or close to being compromised (unless I got knocked out by anesthetics). So yea, these regions weren't overwhelmed, so I still remembered what to do. I struggled to get the bag and dropped it instead of putting it down. I did my best to open the zip and pulled out the antiseptic cream tube. Unscrewing it was so hard but finally, I got it!

My fingers were trembling so much, just squeezing a peanut-sized cream was tough. It was hard to aim the cream on my other hand because the target kept moving around uncontrollably. Then spreading it on the gash almost made my hands weak, because I was touching it, and the compulsions...

The last thing to do was to wrap it with a new bandage. Tearing it was easier because my tears had wetted the paper so much. Finally, I got the gash covered.

The itch-pain subsided almost immediately. And the tears just stopped. Control had returned to me like a snap. I wiped my tears and quietly stored the bag. I waited until my throat didn't sound thick with tears and washed my face. I went downstairs and asked, "The fuck did I miss?"

It felt so long. But it was only 10 minutes at most.

Even now, talking about it made my thumb itch a little. Man, the only thing I'm proud of is that I did manage to dress the wound despite all that weird shit over a non-bleeding gash. Nani the fuck?!

THE END! Hope you enjoyed this long read!

P.S. I'm fine now, yea? Don't worry! It's all healed up! See? I can be pathetic too!

[grad604-haydenmiddleton]

20 OBJECTS WRITING VER.2

(VERSION 2, CUT DOWN + GRAMMAR CHECKED)

seraph of the end

I watched the Seraph of the End anime for the first time when I was around 13, and ironically, I nearly didn’t finish it, but I’m really glad I stuck with it because now it’s one of my favourite pieces of media of all time. Here I’ve decided to showcase the 21st manga in the series, and you know that must mean I have manga 1 all the way through to 21. The characters are said to be born in the same year as I am so as a kid, it made me happy to think I was growing up alongside them.

burts bees

Lip balm might be a weird inclusion, but hear me out. I used to not take good care of my body at all. I’m not sure when it happened exactly, but at some point I realised I needed to make changes. I set up a routine for my life, including a wake-up and going-to-sleep routine. I was still depressed, which sucked but I think learning to have a routine and self-awareness about what my body and mind needed is a hugely important skill that I still have today. Lip balm is just a representation of the changes and routine I made.

washi tape

Washi tape is a staple at a lot of stationary shops, and I used to go a lot with my sister to check them out. She has always been a lot more careful with her money than me. I can't handle the temptation and usually leave a stationary shop with something. I have a stupid amount of washi tape and other kinds of stationary. I just like the aesthetics and patterns of washi tape that inspire some of my brightly coloured art, and sometimes I even digitally draw washi tape to emulate physical craft style.

tamagotchi

I bought myself a Sanrio edition tamagotchi, which only ever came out in Japanese. So with the help of a translation guide online, I take care of my little creature. You can probably tell by now that I like Sanrio characters. My sister and I both had tamagotchis around 2010 and back then they were in black and white, while the one I have now is in full colour! I watch videos about the timeline and all about the different versions of tamagotchis that were made. It's a nostalgia thing and reminds me to put a childish 2000s flair into my work.

stickers

I’m a bit of a collector, and my stack of sticker sheets is further proof. I have tons of stickers that I’ve collected over the years from a range of places. Although I get really nervous about using them. I want to keep all of them nice forever. I’m a bad hoarder and need to get better at using some of these things up. Since a lot of the stickers are made by artists, they inspire me a lot, and often they’re made as merchandise for a show or cartoon I watch. It's been my dream to sell things like stickers myself.

water cup

I have a love for water and hydrating, like all normal living things do. I genuinely believe drinking a lot more water and staying hydrated throughout the day has made me a happier, healthier person. This water cup was a Christmas gift from my sister one year ago. Everything just tastes better when drunk with a straw. It also features an animal crossing pattern, which I play with my sister. Being in a good mindset is really important for my creative process, so drinking water helps me feel good enough to work hard on creative projects.

pokemon cards

Despite actually finding a lot of the games boring, I have spent a crazy amount of money on my Pokémon card collection. But for me, it isn’t about pulling the crazy rare and expensive cards, it’s all about collecting the pretty cards or cards I find visually appealing. There are hundreds of different artists working for Pokémon, so each card is personalised and has its own style. I think collecting them now as an adult is a way to appease my child self because I was told they were a waste of money, and they are, but I just can't help myself from collecting things.

ticket stubs

Here are some of the ticket stubs or receipts I’ve collected from going to shows. I keep these to preserve the memory of going out with friends or family to watch something. My favourites are plays, and then also animated films. Some may think it’s childish for me to still be so invested in colourful movies typically catered towards kids or teens, but I really enjoy taking in the art and beauty of animation as inspiration for my own bright and bold creative style, which also in turn influences my graphic design practice.

keroppi figure

Keroppi is a frog from Sanrio, and I got this specific figure from a blind box, which means you’re not sure which design or character you’re going to get when you buy the box. My best friend Cat got me this box to open, and when I did, we both thought it was really cute that I got the one that is shown to be drawing. He has the same profession as me, so he sits on a shelf above my bed and can watch me do my own design work.

sonny angel

At first, I used to think Sonny Angels were creepy. I didn’t like the idea of having a smiling, naked baby on my shelf as a collectable, but the more I learned about them, the more I was swayed. Sonny Angels are cherubs made as a companion for working women in their mid-20s dealing with the stress of adulthood. Cherubs are also a sign of good luck, so they’re almost a charm of sorts to bring happiness and luck. Of course, they are also just a piece of expensive plastic that we buy and collect, but sometimes it’s about the simple pleasures in life.

wacom

I got my first Wacom tablet when I was around 12 after borrowing my sister's far too much. Weirdly enough, I wasn’t a fan of physically sketching before this and was much more drawn to digital art and the effects and style of this medium. Even now, I’m actually a horrible physical artist, despite all my time spent drawing digitally. Being part of these digital art and design communities helped me improve and be inspired. This was the first step in taking me down the path of graphic design and helped me realise what I wanted to do for work later in life.

testosterone

This is my medical prescription for testosterone. I go in every 3 weeks for an injection of this stuff. It took a lot of time to get to this point in my life, but I can confidently say it has made me a happier, more confident person to finally feel like I’m comfortable in my own skin. My gender is an extremely important part of me, as it is for anyone, cis or not. It’s important for us as people to express ourselves authentically to be perceived as how we want to be, and when someone misunderstands you, it can be uncomfortable.

fuggler box

This box once housed a fuggler, a funny, ugly creature. I wasn’t sure that it really stood for this at first since I’ve heard a more rude version of that saying. These toys are meant to be, well, ugly to an extent. They have interestingly shaped bodies, small beady eyeballs, and visible, semi-realistic-looking teeth! Despite the intent of them being made ugly, I find them quite endearing. I like this idea of finding the beautiful behind the ugly. I also like the mix of horror with cuteness. It mirrors some of my own work, where I draw something scary but do it with bright, bold colours.

grape fanta

This can is another probably weird thing to add to a list of my favourite objects, but my love for artificial grape flavouring knows no bounds. It’s ironic because I don’t even like actual grapes! Fizzy drinks, soda, pop, whatever you want to call it, is one of my favourite things to drink as a treat. When I’m feeling down or I’m working on homework and I’m losing motivation, I treat myself to full strength, full sugar, definitely bad for me, soda.

splatoon amiibo

Splatoon is a game where you play as a 'squid kid’ (a kid who can also turn into a squid) and hang out in Inkopolis Square, shop for colourful streetwear fashion with unique abilities, and play games of turf war where you and 3 other players go up against a team of 4 and try to paint the majority of the map in your team colour. It’s one of my favourite Nintendo games, and I’ve been playing since the second game. There’s a third game in the series now which I played every single day. Now I don’t have as much time to play it, but I still love the general aesthetics and gameplay.

dsi

The DSi was my first ever gaming console. I got it for Christmas one year from my nana when I was around 7. This began my love for Nintendo and video games. I played a lot of Zelda: Four Swords and Animal Crossing: Wild World, as well as others. But it is whenever I play with my sister that I remember most and hold closest to my heart. Video games are such a creatively stunning work of love, from the graphics to the music to the story they tell, and in a way, they go hand in hand with graphic design as they communicate a story visually and through a specific creative style.

tote bag

Tote bags are another thing I started using after witnessing my sister style them. When she went to university with one, I also decided that a tote bag for university would be cool and convenient. In actuality, it really hurt my left shoulder and was really inconvenient to rummage around to find what I was looking for. I still have a considerable collection of them, though, because I do think they add to an outfit in a way that is more stylish than just a basic bag. It’s also perhaps cliche, but you’ll typically see a tote bag as a creative bag of choice, so I guess I’m just doing my duty as a designer.

[rcedge]

They never warn you that much of sewing does not actually involve sewing but a whole bunch of other rat bastard bullshit you wont want to deal with

[yyxgin]

lee felix’s guide to hating you

— ♡ FIC BANNER MADE BY THE AMAZING @chogiwow !!

pairing: lee felix x fem!reader genre: college au, tutor au ; fluff, angst, slice of life, slow burn word count: 21 k warnings: mentions of alcohol, mention of weed, swearing, bad family relationships

a/n: this story is very briefly inspired by jaemin’s drama ‘the way i hate you’ :) also this idea has been in my mind for such a long time, so i’m happy i finally managed to write it. this is also my longest fic so far, i hope it’s worth it. uhh yea enjoy <3

taglist: @feyregels​ @missskzbiased​ @hyunyin​ @koishua​ @crispy-chan​ @rindomo​ @soulssung​ @thatrandomoneinthecorner​ @90shermione​ @chogiwow​ @creatichee​ @freckledberries​ @hyunnies-stars​ 

There’s a list of things Lee Felix knew before applying for college-- and that is: 1) he really, desperately needs a degree for his grandparents to value him as an equal adult, 2) college in young adult movies seems like fun and partying and alcohol really does sound like his wettest dream, 3) he doesn’t need to work for another 4 years, which is fun and 5) he is really, horribly bad at studying.

Here’s a list of things Lee Felix, however, did not know before applying for college, and even though it’s fairly shorter, it hits you in the guts deeper, and that is: 1) studying for college means never ending chapters of insomnia and 2) he is always going to feel like the second choice for everyone. 

You see, girls don’t like Felix that much. Well, that’s a lie-- girls do go after him, tell him he’s cute and his freckles are adorable, but that’s only after they find out there’s no use in chasing after his best friend Han Jisung when he gets himself a new significant other. Boys don’t go after Felix either. Why, you may ask? Read the paragraph over again-- just change the word girls to the word boys. It’s as simple as that. He’s always the second choice, the back-up plan. It feels silly to drag his grandma into this, really, but the truth is, he’s a second choice in every aspect of his life, and that, too, includes his big (and still growing) family that treats him as something less than a human just because of the fact that his grades aren’t as good as his cousin’s are and he doesn’t have a degree in biological science, although he’s too young for that and his college years only started. It’s hard, living in his shoes.

What is Felix, however, really good at? 

Cheating.

Yeah, well, you see-- it’s not funny to be the outcast of the smart Lee family and it’s also not enetaining in the slightest to be the only single one at family gatherings (read as: weddings, because every single one of his relatives decided to fuck up their life with marriage in the past three years for some unknown reason). So Felix does what he’s the best at, and that is going by his favorite life motto: fake it ‘til you make it. 

He cheats on every single one of his exams and believe me when I tell you he’s the top of the class just because he’s the best cheater in town. Good cheating techniques equal good grades and suddenly, Felix’s life seems much brighter when he spends his sleepless nights with creating cheat sheets instead of studying and copying essays written in korean, translating them to english and submitting them as his own because no one will ever notice-- his degree is within the reach of his hand and he can already feel all the grandmas of the family clapping in joy, maybe even wiping away a stray tear on his graduation ceremony in a few years with bouquets of flowers in their hands and expensive watches in their gift bags, ready to welcome him back into the family.. 

What he doesn’t expect, though, is the cute little saying of ‘every lie has short legs’ he swears he heard sometimes in his linguistic class before, coming to life right in front of his eyes as the professor of his Biology class makes him the assigned tutor of the sweet Y/N Y/L/N, because, well, he clearly doesn’t know anything-- what’s he supposed to tutor now? 

The best cheating techniques?

The freckled boy sitting in front of you looks at you with furrowed brows and you wonder what’s the matter with him. Is there something on your face? Are you not dressed appropriately for the occasion? I mean, it’s only a tutoring session, so you didn’t put that much effort into it, but judging from the casual outfit enveloping his body, he didn’t really try to look fancy either. So what was it with him that made him stare you down as if you had horns on your head?

“Shall we start?” he asks once he’s done staring, voice sounding determined. You wonder if he sees the hints of nervousness on your face and if he notices the way you shrink in your seat in the mention of biology, but you guess he doesn’t know you that well to know that you fear the subject as much as you fear dying. 

“Yeah, sure,” you nod, scooting closer to the edge of your seat so you’re not so far away from the table. Felix-- your new biology tutor-- is sitting opposite of you and it’s quite difficult to read the text book once it’s upside down, but you don’t dare to mention it to him for a reason that’s unknown to you as well. It’s like you don’t want to overstep any invisible boundary on your first tutoring session, and telling the person that is teaching you to turn around the text book so you can actually see and learn something seems to be one of the taboos in your eyes. 

You take a quick glance at the waiter that just stopped next to your booth and smile, opening up your mouth to order yourself a meal. “Can I get you anything else?” she asks.

“No-” Felix offers her with a shy smile, but you cut him off with a voice a little higher in the octaves, not wanting your tutor coming in between you and reaching your biggest goal you’ve set for yourself.

“Actually, yes. Could I please get the chicken wings? With fries?” you ask, trying to look as innocent as you can, smiling at her in politeness. You ignore the confused look Lee Felix is offering you from the other side of the table. You mentally send him a signal to tell him to mind his own business, watching the waitress leave with a nod and a polite smile. 

“Okay, now we can start,” you nod at him and focus all your attention to the boy with sandy hair in front of you.

“O...kay?” he answers, obviously trying to bat away his rising confusion, because ordering yourself chicken wings on your tutoring session is prohibited now, apparently. “So,” he starts, sighing and scratching the back of his neck, “what do you not understand from this section?” 

You nervously chew on the bottom of your lip. Well, that’s a sweet question, you think. It would have been much sweeter and much easier to answer, though, if you understood at least a bit from the things you’re supposed to know. You went to university with the urge to prove something to yourself, but the only thing you’re proving to yourself right now is the fact that you are actually kind of useless, when it comes to biology.

“Just like the… whole thing, actually,” you nod, trying not to look as defeated as you feel and also trying not to burst out in a manic laugh as you always do when you feel slightly nervous about anything.

“Cool, cool, yeah,” he nods, taking a deep breath in, turning the textbook around and sighing, “I don’t think I can help you with that.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” you ask, confused. 

Lee Felix is the top of the grade. He is the best at biology, he is the best at chemistry, he is the best at his farmacy class. You’re sure he’ll be a fine biochemist in a few years, when his college times are over. Lee Felix is the smartest boy in your biology class and you are, coincidentally, quite the opposite on this spectrum. Which is exactly why your teacher managed to make Felix tutor you in his free time. You weren’t surprised at the fact that the blonde boy agreed to this-- he was quite the sweetheart, really. All the girls in your class fawned upon the way his freckles shined in the sunlight and the way he opened the doors for older professors. He was quite the boy you would want to introduce to your parents. Not quite the one every girl goes after, but the one that you would want to settle down with after your college years are over.

So why is he, the sweet, but also smart boy that agreed to tutor you, now telling you he can’t help you?

“It’s just.. I’m not really good at this section, I mean-”

“Felix, you’re the top of the class. Of course you’re good at this section.” you mumble, gazing deep into his eyes, trying to search for an answer.

“I-” he says and takes a sharp breath in, stopping himself in continuing his train of thought and just opting to shrug, not giving you a proper response either.

You feel like someone just punched you in the gut, and that’s when you realise-- here it is again. Another person that doesn’t believe in you-- another person that needs proving that you really can do it, you just need a little push. You can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t think you’re smart or bright enough to pass the exams, you’re not good enough to get good grades. It’s nothing new to you, but it still haunts you just the same.

“Is it because you know I can’t do it?” you bluntly ask, sighing. 

“No! No, no, I never said that-” he says, almost panicking with the way his hands fly into the air hurriedly, waving them around as if it was meant to calm you down. 

“You’re acting like it, though. I promise I’m not stupid- well, maybe I am, but-”

“You’re not stupid! It’s me! I’m the stupid one here.” he says, effectively silencing you with his words as you stare at him, dumbfounded. He’s joking, right?

“How can you be stupid when you get only the best grades? Felix, if you just don’t want to waste your time here, tell me, but don’t try to hide behind poor excuses.” you roll your eyes, feeling frustrated at the boy’s antics. Does he really think you’re that stupid that you can’t see right through his lies?

“I cheat.”

You blink a few times as if to reset your brain, gazing at him with pure confusion written in your orbs. He cheats? No. That’s a lie. A person as good at biology as Felix can’t cheat. All his exams are on 100% and he never makes any mistakes. He’s the epitome of the smart kid. The little Einstein. The prodigy. There’s no way it’s all cheating.

“No.” you shake your head in disapproval. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying! Look, I genuinely, really want to help you. I really do. The thing is, though, I don’t know how to study. I make cheat sheets and I use them at every exam and every test, that’s why everyone thinks I’m super smart, but that is really not the case,” he shakes his head, staring into your eyes with his wide open in honesty, wanting you-- no,-- needing you to understand. “I would tutor you if I could, really, but I just don’t know how to,” he sighs finally, acting like he’s just given birth or ran a marathon, exhaustion written all over his face.

“So why did you offer to tutor me, then?” you ask.

He takes a moment for himself to collect his thoughts, before he speaks up again. “Well, I didn’t really want to get caught. You see, I would never turn my back to anyone. Really. So I thought I could at least try to learn something? So I could help you? But I failed, as always, so I’m just coming clean in front of you and you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

The moment the last sentence leaves his mouth, you notice the apparent fear in his eyes, realising that he just shared an information with you that nobody really knows. It’s a secret he’s been hiding and keeping from everyone just to appear as the smartest one-- fooling everyone, including you. You feel even more stupid now, under his gaze. You feel played. You came to the tutoring, hoping to finally get a grip, when all you get is a person that is stepping all over the sandcastle of your fragile dreams, kicking every little piece of sand away with his lies. You know you shouldn’t feel so invested in this. You shouldn’t feel so hurt. But somehow, you still do. 

“So you just told me you are lying to everyone and cheating on tests and you want me to keep it a secret from everyone?” you ask in disbelief.

“Yes.” he nods, eyes hopeful. He’s been lying for the last year as if his life was depending on it and now he wants you to do the same-- keep quiet in front of everyone.

“And what do I do when the professor asks me why I’m not getting any better? Huh? Ever thought of that?” you leash out, harshly chewing on your bottom lip in nerves. “I want to pass. And I want to do it fair and square.” you get out in between your teeth.

“I didn’t… I didn’t think of that yet, but-”

“Leave.” you say, looking him sternly into his eyes.

“What do you mean, leave?”

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore. And you’re clearly not here to teach me anything, so you can just take your things and leave.” you spit out, crossing your hands over your chest.

“You leave, then,” he mutters, looking rather offended. You’re not sure why he’s the one hurt right now, but you guess that’s just how men and their egos are, there’s nothing more under his hurt eyes and shattered self-esteem.

“I ordered food, I’m not leaving.” you calmly respond. Once you say this, you’re reminded of the little quest you made for yourself. Never once did you feel silly for taking it so seriously in front of your other friends, but now, in front of Lee Felix with freckled dusted cheeks, you feel almost invisible as you realise why you even ordered the chicken wings and how you’re going to write a yelp review about them later.

Well, someone has to do it, and if not you, then who will, right? It’s the only valid way to find out who makes the best chicken wings in the town and not even your traitor-tutor is going to stop you now, when your list is only getting shorter and shorter. 

He stares at you for a few moments, dumbfounded, before he sighs and accepts his defeat. “Okay, I’ll just have to text my roommate to pick me up,” he admits.

You nod, just in time the server comes back with your food, offering her a welcoming smile. “Fine. But don’t even think of talking to me from now on. I’m not interested in more lies,” you spit at him, scowling as you take a look at the plate of chicken wings sitting in front of you in their full glory. You sense a very bad review, judging from the way the chicken wings look nothing like wings, rather full on small chickens dipped in oil, but dive in nonetheless. 

“Why do you have to be so dramatic?” he asks, voice coated in disbelief.

“Because I was scammed!” you yell out, mouth full of chicken, not caring a second about the way you might look in the boy’s eyes. Yes, you could have at least swallowed before speaking to him, but did you do it? No. No, you didn’t. 

“Oh come on-”

“Don’t even try arguing with me!” you spit at him-- quite glad that this time, it’s not literal-- and huff out in annoyance, when the door opens and a short boy with a bucket hat on steps into the bistro, the red fabric of the seats of the booths contrasting with his shoes in a way that makes you feel captivated, your eyes refusing to tear themselves away from him. 

The boy is taking quick steps to your booth and you almost choke on your chicken wings as you admire his full glory-- tanned skin and car keys in his hand, but his eyes meet the boy sitting opposite of you and that’s when everything clicks. This is not the boy of your dreams, this is Han Jisung. Your tutor’s best friend and roommate-- also known as the resident heartbreaker. You shouldn’t feel weak in your knees when you look at him, but that’s exactly what happens and you won’t feel ashamed about it. Well, not now, at least. In a few hours when you’re lying in your bed? Maybe. But I’ll tell you then.

“Yo, dude, I texted you like five minutes ago that I’m waiting for you outside, what are you still doing here?” he asks, furrowing his brows at his roommate and slowly moving his eyes to you, scanning you up and down, leaving your heart to do the stupid cartwheel you haven’t felt since, like, middle school. 

“We were in the middle of an argument, so I didn’t hear my phone ring.” Felix answers, glaring at you with spiteful eyes. You almost prepare to kill him with yours, but you focus on wiping the oil from the corner of your mouth and smiling heavenly, trying to look like a lady in front of your new visitor.

“Was Felix being absolutely unbearable again?” he asks you, surprising you with his subtle way of engaging you into the conversation.

You giggle, rolling your eyes slightly. “Yeah. You know him too well, don’t you?”

“Unfortunately,” he admits, looking defeated, when he moves his eyes to Felix, looking rather sulky on the red seat in front of you as you chat with his roommate, when Jisung’s tone of voice changes into a more worried one, speaking up again, “does she… did you…?”

“Yeah,” Felix just nods. 

Jisung sighs, sitting down next to his roommate, pushing him a little so he has more space in the booth. “What are you supposed to tutor her anyway?” he asks.

“Biology,” you mumble sooner than Felix gets the chance to speak up, motioning to the textbook still sitting at the table in front of you. 

The boy takes a look at the papers, his face changing from a focused one to a one more lighter, his eyes scanning the papers with ease. You notice his mouth moving a little as he reads the words under his breath, catching yourself from staring when you feel Felix’s eyes burning into the crown of your head, snapping you back to reality. 

“You know… maybe I could help you with that.” he says, looking like a business offering you a deal that you’re sure involves something illegal. He looks like a focused squirrel with his cheeks puffed out a little in what you sense is pride, something in his eyes glowing as you nervously chew on your bottom lip.

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course. I’m actually quite good at biology, to be honest. Well, not as much as Felix over here-” he jokes, scowling when the blonde boy punches his arm, “but I think I could tutor you a thing or two.”

“What’s the catch?” you ask, nervously watching him. Something in his composure is telling you he’ll want something in return, but you don’t know what yet. You’re quite sure you’ll sell your soul for the adorable boy in front of you if he asked you to, but it never hurts to ask beforehand, right? 

“What do you mean, what’s the catch?”

“Like… what do you want in return?” you muse out, taking a bite of a fry, noticing how soggy it feels under your teeth.

“Woah, you spend 15 minutes with Felix and you already think there’s something illegal behind everything? I’ll let you know, I’m better than that.” he scoffs. “I’m just doing it because I see how miserable you are. And I also don’t want you to tell on my buddie over here.” he adds, smiling warmly.

You take notice of the way Felix’s eyes grow twice their size and how Jisung’s knee lightly bumps into his under the table. It’s subtle, but you think that maybe this is when you fully fell for the short boy in front of you-- when he offered to save his best friend’s ass by helping out a lost girl with biology. And who are you to say no now? I mean, you need the tutoring nonetheless. Who cares if the boy tutoring you is someone else? Maybe it’s even more appealing to you this way, but you’ll never admit that out loud.

“Okay then, sure.” you nod, grinning from ear to ear, feeling satisfied.

“Great. Now, give me half the fries and we can arrange our next tutoring session,” he smiles, “oh, and I’m Han Jisung, by the way.”

He winks. 

You should be disturbed, but strangely, you’re not. You grin back at him, offering him the soggy fries you’re sure you’re going to give a really bad review in the evening, watching his composure change into a more laid-back one, engaging you in a conversation and slunging an arm around his best friend’s shoulders.

Lee Felix remains silent. He feels it once again-- he feels the loneliness of being left out. 

And he’s sure it won’t be the last time.

Lee Felix knows damn well how it feels to be the third wheel. He’s hung out with Jisung and his potential love interests multiple times, he’s even been on double dates with the said male, yet, he always somehow ends up being left out. So why does it still feel the same? Why does he still feel that restless feeling in his stomach, the emptiness in his chest, just like the first time? I guess you never get used to some things and emotions are one of them. No matter how much you argue that you know a feeling so well it doesn’t even surprise you anymore, it still hurts the same. That’s funny about emotions. Sometimes, they can’t even make you numb.

“Hurry up dude, the bistro closes in an hour and half!” Jisung rushes the taller male (not tall, just taller. Don’t misunderstand.) with his car keys in his hand, twirling them around his fingers in a nervous manner. Felix notices his roommate has put some effort into his outfit today, considering the lemon supreme shirt enveloping his body that he saves only for special occasions, yet, Felix doesn’t realise why he had to put it on when they’re literally just going out to eat some soggy fries in the bistro close to their house. He doesn’t ask, though. He doesn’t want the car key stuck in his forehead. He also doesn’t know why they have to rush so much, since they have an hour and half left before they close, but again, he doesn’t dare to say it out loud. 

Felix quickly puts his shoes on and rolls his eyes at his roommate. “I’m ready,” he announces.

Jisung swiftly takes a bottle of cologne from the table in their small hall (it’s so small they don’t even have a mirror in it, because there was no use in taking mirror selfies when all you can see on the picture is your phone case due to the fact that the room is too narrow for you to move further away) and sprays his body wit hit, efficiently confusing his roommate. “You wanna smell great for the waiter there? Because from what I remember, he was a stoner-”

“Oh, shut up. You never know when you’re gonna meet someone cute, am I right?” he asks, grinning from ear to ear like a cat, taking his backpack with him and opening the front door, “gotta look and smell presentable at all times.”

Felix wonders if this is why everyone always goes after his best friend. 

No, he thinks, it cannot be the cloud of cologne hanging around his body. It’s heavy and it makes Felix cough a little, but he tries to mask it, because he’s fairly sure Jisung won’t pay for his fries today if he doesn’t. And Felix is a simple man-- if he can get something for free, he will do anything to achieve it.

They arrive at the place in a few minutes and Felix can already feel his mouth watering at the thought of the salty fries and cheeseburger he’s going to get himself, joyfully skipping inside the bistro and waiting in the queue. Jisung follows him, standing next to him, efficiently covering the smell of the oil and all the good things on this earth-- read as fast food-- making Felix scowl. The boy behind the register, is, in fact, Na Jaemin-- the resident frat boy. Felix’s heard all about him from the girls staying at the dorms and to be honest, he’s quite glad he doesn’t have to live the stories of getting caught with weed at Jaemin's party on his own. That, and the fact that hot water runs in his apartment. Na Jemin might have the weed, but he surely doesn’t have that in his college dorm room. 

“Three milkshakes, two large fries, chicken wings and a cheeseburger, please.” Jisung orders, confusing Felix in one sentence. Since when is his best friend a bottomless pot for food? Is he really going to eat all of that?

“Coming right at you. Anything else?” Jaemin asks, voice considerate and polite, still turned on his customer service mode, even though Felix is sure him and Jisung have had shared a joint or two on one of his parties before.

“No, that’s all. Thanks, man,” Jisung answers, leaving with Felix right behind him. 

“Who’s gonna eat all of that? I hope you know you’re paying, and before you protest, yes, I did purposefully leave my wallet at home-” he rambles, still moving, when his train of thought is cut off by a person in his view.

You are sitting there in your full glory, smiling brightly at the boys approaching you. You’re dressed nicely, he notices-- you look like you put some effort into what you’re wearing. You don’t look that much different, but he can still see the slight changes you made to look neat. You’re glowing, Felix notices. You look excited.

“Hi, Y/N,” Jisung greets, taking a seat opposite of you. He doesn’t even give Felix an answer, he doesn’t even give him an explanation. He’s left there only to take a seat next to his roommate after collecting his thoughts, chewing on his bottom lip.

The conversation never moves his way. He is silenced. Felix wonders why he was even invited, watching the people behind the window laughing with their friends, happy to order some tasty food and have fun on this Thursday evening. He watches his friend and his classmate have fun-- well, as much fun as a tutoring session could be. You’re laughing at every single one of Jisung’s jokes and he swears Jisung’s eyes never leave your face, even when he’s explaining something to you. He wonders why Jisung didn’t tell him where they’re going. He wonders why he even had to come.

Lee Felix knows how third-wheeling feels. Yet, it still makes his little foolish heart hurt just the same every time.

You nervously chew on your bottom lip, cracking your knuckles in a habit your friends always scream at you for, waiting for your tutor-- well, he’s not really your tutor anymore-- to appear in the bistro on the other side of the town. You admire the decorations for a while, liking the way it looks modern here and the purple led lights make the whole place look aesthetic. You can already imagine multiple college kids going here and taking instagram pictures to look cool. It’s nice and you’ll definitely include it in your yelp review-- it won’t make it more stars, though, if the chicken wings don’t taste like heaven.

You tug on the sleeves on your hoodie, as if you were trying to make yourself disappear. I mean, you do feel embarrassing. You feel pathetic that it had to come down to this, but you guess desperate times call for desperate solutions. You’re not here to look put-together anymore. You’re going to show him your full glory and although you regret it a little, you still have a little spark of hope in you that Han Jisung-- the boy you, admittedly, were crashing on real hard right now, won’t find out.

Felix comes into the bistro in his full VSCO boy glory, as always. He is wearing a jean jacket and his freckled cheeks are dusted pink, you’d almost think he’s blushing all the time. He doesn’t quite fit the aesthetics of this futuristic looking bistro, you notice. The retro places you’ve been to so far fit him much more-- his sandy hair contrasted well with the yellow walls and red booths. It was starting to get a little repetitive, though, you must admit.

“Hi,” he greets you as he takes his seat, smiling at you with what you can only describe as a feeling of full uncomfort. You wonder what made him feel this way about you, but you don’t dare to think of it twice as you focus on the main quest of the day-- forcing him to teach you his ways.

“Hello,” you smile. 

Felix notices how natural you look-- it feels like now is the first time he’s seeing you in your full glory. You aren’t wearing your neat clothes for a meeting with Jisung and you’re not too casual like you were at your first ‘tutoring session’ either-- you’re just you. The way he doesn’t even see you in classes. He likes the fact that no one else than him can see you like this-- he likes the fact that Jisung is nowhere around, yet, he wonders why is that, exactly, since the two of you seemed to be hitting it off quite well so far.

Felix hasn’t been with Jisung when he last tutored you. He figured there’s no use, he’s going to get ignored all the time anyway. 

“So… what’s the matter?” he asks, folding his hands into his lap. He dares to take a quick look at you, noticing your worn-out shirt and dark circles under your eyes, worry washing over him. Did something happen? Was Jisung a jerk to you? 

“Well, I sort-of have a little problem,” you mumble out, tearing your gaze away from him. You seem shy for the first time in front of him and he wonders why. He doesn’t understand your sudden change of behaviour. This isn’t the you he’s used to. “Well, turns out, I am really stupid.” you propose, leaving Felix to gaze at you in surprise.

He chuckles. You swiftly look up at him with piercing eyes telling him to stop, and he almost does, but your face looks too adorable when it’s scrunched up like that, so he only giggles once more. “You’re not stupid.”

“I am!” you whine out, finally letting your whole shy facade fall, exposing the true you once again right in front of Felix’s eyes-- direct and fierceful. “Even Jisung’s tutoring isn’t helping and I feel so stupid with him! And I don’t want him to think that I’m stupid, even though I am, and I just… I can’t pass my exams like this, so I need your help.” you say, eyes big, looking almost pleading.

“And I am supposed to help… how? Exactly?” The confusion is written all over his face, and it almost makes you frustrated. You knew he must be smart, if his cheating has been so good he’s getting through college with straight As, but really, is he really that smart if he can’t read in between the lines?

“Help me cheat.” you quickly get out, biting down on your lower lip just as you say it, as if you were regretting it.

The silence that overtakes the two of you feels like it’s slowly going to eat you up alive, angrily biting into your skin. It feels heavy and suffocating, your palms sweating as you watch Felix blink at you with mouth agape, breathing in and out. You pray for him to make up his mind soon, or else you’re going to run out of the bistro without a yelp review, tearing the skin of your cuticles as you see him blink quickly a few times before shaking his head in disbelief, clearing his storage.

“You want me to help you cheat?” he asks for clarification, furrowing his brows at you.

“That’s correct.” you nod, chewing on the inside of your cheek. You haven’t been this nervous since you took your college entrance exams, and that shows a lot, considering you used to say that has been the most difficult experience of your life so far.

“Because Jisung…. isn’t tutoring you well enough?” he asks again, making you roll your eyes in annoyance.

“Hey, don’t put the blame on Jisung! I’m just stupid, that’s all.” you say, looking down into your lap, because his gaze suddenly feels like he’s judging you and you really don’t feel like maintaining eye contact with him when you’re under pressure.

“If you don’t stop saying that, I will kick you.”

“You wouldn’t dare-”

“I would and I will-”

“Okay, but is that a yes, then?” you look up at him with hopeful eyes, resembling a puppy just a little too much, and, well, Felix can’t just reject you now, can he?

“I.. guess…?” he says, watching your face light up in joy as you clap a few times in excitement. 

“Great! Can we start today? We have to start today! I brought my text books and papers and sharpies and-” you are cut off by Felix’s face lighting up at the sight of you, his eyes looking warm and admiring. You quickly shake away the excitement before it goes too far and you actually go to hug him or something, taking a deep breath in and out to calm yourself down.

Just in that moment, the server appears with two servings of chicken wings and two large fries, making Felix look at you in confusion. 

“I ordered you food, since I thought we’ll stick around for a while..” you mumble, seeing him eagerly nod and take one fry into his hand, biting down on it with a face full of pleasure. 

“Perfect. Just let me eat a few of these and we can get right into work, I promise,” he mutters with a mouth full of food, prompting you to take a bite yourself. It doesn’t taste the worst-- the bistro you went to after prom last year was definitely worse than this, but still, you don’t think Felix’s face quite resembles how the food tastes. He looks as if the Queen of England made it. In reality, it’s just a soggy fry. 

“Why do you always order the same thing? Aren’t you tired of eating the same thing over and over again?” he asks suddenly, examining your face with real interest. No one’s ever noticed your eating habits before, just shrugging off what you order every single time. Your little fast food experiment has been a secret so far, even though it wasn’t that hard to cover it up-- nobody really cared until now. 

You feel blush creeping on your cheeks as you shrug, feeling a little embarrassed for like the hundredth time today, when you reply to the boy in front of you. You know his secret, so it only feels valid for him to know yours. “I have this experiment… like, I try chicken wings and fries at every single bistro, restaurant and fast food chain in the town to find out which one’s the best…” you mumble, looking into your plate instead of facing him out of the ugly feeling of patheticness creeping up your back.

“Oh, that’s cool!” he exclaims, pointing his fry your direction, a response you didn’t quite expect, “Where do they have the best ones so far?” he asks, genuine interest painting his features.

“Oh,” you get out, feeling your lips unvoliteraly tug into a smile, “I don’t.. I still have a few bistros and the McDonald’s on the highway out of the city left, but I’d say the best ones so far were at Wendy’s. I didn’t quite like the chicken wings there, though, so…”

“Hmm,” he nods, deep in thought, “we just get food at where’s the closest.” he says, munching on a chicken wing. “I guess we could pay a little more attention to the food from now on, because after eating this, I’m never going to eat the food from the bistro right in front of our flat again.”

“Yeah, that bistro’s really awful. I only gave it around 2.5 stars, I think-” you say, before you realise you just spilled out another secret to him, feeling your cheeks heating up. 

“2.5 stars? What, do you write yelp reviews or something?” he asks, clearly amused by your accidental spill-out.

“And what if I do?” you defend yourself, glaring at him with fake annoyance. No man will ever make fun of you because you write yelp reviews. Not Lee Felix, even though he seems too nice to actually make fun of you because of something, not anyone. 

“That’s cool, though! Those help so much when you travel,” he says, eagerly nodding at you with big eyes and an adorable grin plastered on his face, making you feel understood and happy with just the sudden sign of acceptance. Turns out your little weird obsession isn’t as embarrassing as you thought it was. Or Lee Felix really is the sweetest guy walking on this earth. Either one is fine in your books.

You stay there for a few hours and Felix teaches you the basic cheat codes-- never meet the teacher’s eye, never finish your tests too quickly, always forcefully pick the wrong option before scribbling it out and putting in a correct one to not seem too suspicious. He even takes a piece of paper from you and scribbles down the basic cheat-sheet making structure. 

He feels good with you. He feels useful. He knows he shouldn’t be teaching you this, but really, is it really doing any harm? We all have to go through college somehow.

Yet, all evenings always end the same for Felix, with a bad feeling in his gut and a fake smile on his face hiding the true meaning behind his actions. He’ll never be the first choice and you remind him even today, after you leave the ‘tutoring session’ with a quick hug to the male, lowering your voice so only he can hear when you pay him your goodbyes.

“Don’t tell Jisung, okay?”

Of course. It’s all because you don’t want to look embarrassing in front of his best friend.

It goes all how you planned it to-- you’re sitting at your next tutoring session with two males in front of you. One of them is your supposed tutor and one of them is a boy that’s helping you pass your exams for real. You’re into one of them, even though you shouldn’t. You wonder how you even ended up in this mess. You swear you were a good student in high school, always submitting your assignments on time and making sure your tests were on 100%. It was kind of fueling your ego, in a way. You had no other plans in your life to hold on to, no dreams to dream, so you reasoned to do the only thing that you were good at-- getting good grades. You had to prove to yourself that there was a reason, a meaning behind your life. You had to prove to yourself that your existence was valid.

You watch Jisung with interest. You pray to god that he doesn’t catch you in your act, because that would surely be embarrassing. You don’t want him to find out that you’re just fine with cheating, because that meant your tutoring sessions with the male would end and there was no other reason for you to see him. You knew Han Jisung wasn’t interested in you. You were sure you’d see it on him if he was. And even then, you weren’t interested in only a short relationship without any good point. You liked Jisung, but you didn’t like his reputation. One week wasn’t long enough for you to waste your time on him and get your heart broken. You weren’t sure if he was a player, or if he just wanted to desperately find the one by trying all the possibilities, but you weren’t going to find out. 

Felix watches you with interest in his eyes-- but you don’t notice. He prays that Jisung doesn’t find out about your secret little ‘tutoring sessions’, because that would mean he wouldn’t have a reason to hang out with you anymore. And Felix really doesn’t want that to happen. For some reason, he doesn’t want you to ever frown. And he’s sure that’s exactly what would happen if Jisung cancelled.

It doesn’t click to him what’s happening inside of his little, foolish heart when he sees you smile at Jisung and his stomach fills with worry. 

It doesn’t click to him what’s happening with him when every time Jisung subtly takes your hand in his makes his insides twitch in frustration. He thinks it’s just because of the fact that he’s third-wheeling again, like all his life, and maybe that is partly true, but it’s not the whole reason behind the cloud around his head.

It clicks only when him and his roommate are back home, sitting at the dinner table with the left-overs from the new bistro you three went to, munching on the chicken wings and another pack of soggy french fries and the cola they had in their fridge.

“So… what do you think about Y/N?” Jisung asks suddenly, making Felix furrow his brows in confusion.

“What should I think? She’s smart, I guess…” he mumbles, mouth full of food, not quite grasping the full meaning of his roommate’s question. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jisung quickly nods in approval, “she’s getting really good. I mean, you can still see she’s having some troubles when I’m tutoring her, but at least she always gets good grades on tests now,” he says, biting down on another piece of chicken wing. Felix feels a wave of pride wash over him after hearing the words-- of course you’re doing well on exams. It’s all Felix’s doing. You’re a quick learner, when it comes to cheating. 

“Yeah, she’s good,” he says. 

“Well,” Jisung suddenly starts, meaning to sound nonchalantly, but only sounding like he’s determining his biggest life secret in front of his friend instead, “I like her.”

Felix almost chokes on the piece of chicken in his mouth, trying to play it off with a small chuckle. “Oh? You do?”

“Yeah. Should I.. Should I ask her on a date or something?” he asks and Felix swears he can see his friend’s cheeks reddening a little, even though the last time he’s seen Jisung embarrassed was when he accidentally called their Math’s teacher mum in eleventh grade. 

“You don’t date, though,” Felix opposes.

“That’s not true-”

“Two weeks long relationships aren’t relationships, Jisung.” 

“Not my fault they’re never the one! It gets boring after a while, Felix, I can’t just-”

“Why are you even asking me this?” Felix suddenly cuts him off, glaring at him. He doesn’t know why he’s reacting in such a way. It’s not like it’s the first time Jisung is going to date someone for two weeks just to break their heart, it’s not the first time they’re going to run after Felix a week after just so they can still be around the one that broke their heart. This time, though, he does not want to see another heart get broken.

“Jesus, chill, man… I was just asking, since you two seem closer. Did she mention anything about me? Is she dating anyone?” Jisung asks, eyes lighting up.

Felix could be an asshole. He could tell Jisung that you’re already dating someone, he could tell him to back off and that you’re not interested. However, he does not do that. Instead, he does the quite opposite. He pushes his best friend into asking you out, he tells him he should try it, because that’s just the kind of person he is. Besides, he knows you’re into him. Maybe the smile on your face could make him forget about the fact that you’re going to get your heart broken. 

“Sure, go for it.” he shrugs, “I don’t really care anyway.”

“Fine, then-”

“I’m gonna shower.” Felix says, quickly standing up from his chair and moving to the bathroom, quickly escaping the conversation.

Only then he realises what he feeling in his gut means, only then he notices the way his sigh feels like the weight of the world is sitting on his shoulders and he can’t breathe any time you’re around Han Jisung. 

He realises he likes you. 

And clearly, you don’t like him back.

Emotions are something you never quite get used to. Even the emotion of feeling rejection, the emotion of always being behind his best friend’s shadow. Lee Felix is always just the friend. Never the love interest. This time, though, it feels even more heavy, because in a way, you seem way more special in his eyes than the people that went after him just to get with his best friend.

This time, he does not want to see another heart get broken. Because it’s your heart we’re talking about.

And to prevent his heart shattering to even more pieces, he has to do something.

He has to stop liking you.

As soon as possible.

“Y/N?” 

“Mhhm?” you ask, raising your eyes up from the cheat sheet you’re creating with Felix’s help, the grease of the fries you’re eating glistening on your chin. You’re with him in a yet another crappy bistro, trying yet another soggy fries, and even though there’s nothing special on you to a stranger’s eye, Felix’s heart can’t help but run twice the speed of light. 

“How do you stop liking someone?” he mumbles, furrowing his brows a little, deep in thought. 

“Oh, do you like someone?” you ask, and Felix momentarily lights up at the thought of you caring if he’s interested in someone, but when his eyes meet yours and he notices them glistening and lightening up in curiosity, he realises it’s just because you’re happy for him. As a good friend should be. 

“No, no,” he quickly shakes his head in disapproval, snickering to himself, “I’m just asking. Because, think, what if, hypothetically, there’s someone who is into someone else. Easy, right? But what if their best friend likes the same person? And you know you shouldn’t like them because they’re into their friend as well? What is there to do at that point?” 

You scan his face for a few seconds, thinking to yourself. “Hmm,” you start, “I guess you have to start hating them. So the feelings disappear.” you nod, satisfied with your answer.

“How’s that possible?” he asks, scoffing.

“Well, I don’t know, since it’s all hypothetical anyway,” you giggle, focusing back on your cheat sheet. Your notes are getting smaller and smaller and Felix notices the improvement in your small lettering, making your cheat sheet less noticeable. You’re learning quickly.

“Oh come on,” he whines, kicking your leg under the table, “talk to me. How can a person start hating someone? Give me a tutorial.” 

“Well, since you really need to know,” you roll your eyes, putting away the pen from your hand and resting your back against the seat of the booth, “there are a few steps you can take.”

“For example?”

“Well, you have to stop hanging out with them, first thing’s first.” you start. “Because if you don’t hang out with them, you will eventually hate the fact that they’re not near, which will, logically, make you hate them instead.”

“Is that really logical, though?” Felix asks, furrowing his brows at you. In his books, this made no sense at all, but you seemed pretty satisfied with your answer.

“Of course it is! Then, you have to find something about them that you can hate. Anything. Find even the smallest thing, and blow it up in your mind until you hate it. Easy, right?” 

“...I don’t think that’s helping at all,” he says, tone of voice unsure. 

“Of course it is! You’re just refusing that it can be true, because you think I’m stupid.” you stick out his tongue at him, focusing on your work instead.

He kicks you under the table, making you scowl. “Ow! What was that for?”

“I told you that if you’ll make that comment again, I will kick you. So I just did right that.” he says. “Besides, your ideas are stupid. Not you. There’s a difference in that.” he smartly points out, making you roll your eyes at him.

“So, who is it that you like?”

“No one. I told you, it’s hypothetical.” he glares at you.

“Right,” you nod, sighing, “well, I’ll just stick to that, since that means Jisung doesn’t like anyone and I still have a chance.” you smile at him, obviously missing out on the way your words just punched him into the gut. Felix laughs it out, kicking you in the shin instead.

“Right. Of course you do,” he nods. He wishes he didn’t mean that.

You two remain in silence for a moment, while you get back to your work and Felix pretends he’s playing a game on his phone. You don’t notice the way his eyes scan you over, admiring you, once in a while. No one ever does. He guesses this is the perk of always being just the friend. The one people are friends with just because they want something from him. The one that gets taken advantage of. He chooses not to think about it more. Maybe if he did, he could hate you over it, if he wasn’t so used to that feeling anyway. 

“We should hang out on the weekend,” you say, taking him by surprise.

“Oh?” he mumbles out, “with Jisung?”

“No?” you furrow your brows, “look, I know I look like I’m obsessed with him, but I actually just want to hang out with you alone as friends once in a while, you know.”

“We’re hanging out now, though.”

“It’s midnight, Felix,” you point out, “and we’re working. I want to hang out with my friend, like a normal person, you know.” you shrug.

“Yeah…” he says, when your words resonate in his mind like a broken curse. ‘Don’t hang out with them.’ Don’t hang out with her. You have to hate her. He has to start hating you-- there’s no other way. And so, he turns to taking your words into consideration. He can’t meet with you if he’s not ‘tutoring’ you. There’s no way. “We’ll see. I’ll tell you if I’m free.” he smiles warmly instead, because truth be told, he’ll never tell you no to your eyes. He’s always been a bit of a coward. And he also doesn’t want you to frown. Ever.

“Great!” you smile. 

And when Felix comes home that night, at 2am in the morning when his roommate is already asleep-- not knowing of your secret meetings, he lays down in his bed and repeats your advice like a broken mantra. He can’t like you. He has to hate you.

Lee Felix’s guide to hating you: 1. Don’t hang out with her. Only meet her when it’s necessary. If you don’t meet her, you’ll start hating her absence, resulting in hating her altogether. 2. Find a small thing about her to blow up so much you start to hate it. 

That’s not difficult. He hates that you like Han Jisung. It’s a small mistake, a small flaw, but he’s ready to blow it up so much he hates you for it. He hates that he’s not the first choice. He hates that you don’t like him.

Maybe he would hate you more if you were dating his best friend for real.

Lee Felix’s guide to hating you: 1. Don’t hang out with her. 2. Find a thing to hate about her. SUCCESS! 3. Set her up with Han Jisung.

Now, this plan is bulletproof, isn’t it?

Felix unexpectedly breaks the first step of his guide only a few days later-- on a chilly friday afternoon, when his body is hurriedly skipping to the edge of the town centre only to meet with you. Just for the record, though, Felix didn’t intend to break the promise he gave to himself. He really wasn’t going to hang out with you if he didn’t specifically need to, but, well… you called Jisung to hang out. Felix’s heart almost skipped a few beats when he was added to a three-person big group chat with you and his roommate and at that point, he wasn’t going to reject an invitation to the fare in town, because he was fairly sure Jisung didn’t like rollercoasters and he wanted to see you laugh your ass off at him in front of everyone. Is it a little spiteful? Possibly. Does he care? Not that much.

Besides, it’s only one time. It will never happen again!!

He finds you with your black leather jacket on, stepping from one leg to the other, looking around like a lost puppy. Felix mentally curses at himself for not coming sooner so you wouldn’t feel so alone and awkward in the mass of people, when he realises he’s already 15 minutes late because of his afternoon class and his roommate is nowhere to be found.

“Thank god! I thought you were going to bail on me as well,” you call out when Felix is close enough, smiling at him.

“Where’s Jisung?”

“He texted me like 5 minutes ago that he can’t make it today. Something about his mum being in town? I’m not sure,” you furrow your brows, “at least you’re here now, though.”

Felix is met with the realisation that he’s left alone with you again, mentally cursing at himself. This surely does not look like a plan to hating you. It looks like a bullet-proof plan on how to fall even deeper for you, with how your stray hairs are flying around your head and you adorably scrunch up your nose and sniffle from the cold. 

“Should we go?” he forces out of himself, looking at you hopefully.

“Yeah!” you nod, striding a few steps in front of him like a happy school girl excited to go to school for the first time. Felix can’t surpass the gentle smile forming on his lips, shaking his head in disbelief. You look so cheerful and so joyful, making his heart swell with how easily you manage to make him feel so young again. 

He follows you gladly, managing to match his speed with yours, almost forgetting for a moment that he’s not on a date with you, almost forgetting about the fact that you like his best friend and the smile you’re giving him is nothing against the wide grin you offer to his roommate.

“Let’s go on that one!” you cheer, taking Felix by the hand and tugging him your way, not once giving him the opportunity of letting go as you drag him all around the fare. You remind him of his younger sister with how excited you get about the smallest things and he realises he wants to protect your heart from the world just as much as he wants to protect his little sister’s. It’s not the same feeling, though. The affection he feels for you is different. 

Felix doesn’t find it in him to tell you no whenever you tug him on another ride, even when his legs are tired and his jaw hurts from smiling. He finds himself wanting to capture your image into his brain forever, imprint the happy memory in there so he can find it and look at it whenever his heart feels lonely. For the first time in ages, he forgets about everything. He forgets that he’s just the friend, the other choice. He completely forgets that Han Jisung was supposed to be there, at his place, sitting next to you on the ferris wheel as you watch the night city under you with cold cheeks and frozen bodies.

“You must be sad that Jisung isn’t here with you right now. That would surely feel much more romantic than sitting here with me,” Felix says bitterly once the reality hits him for a second, once his heart is unsheltered for a short moment and your eyes meet.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” you roll your eyes, “Jisung can’t be romantic. Besides, if I really wanted a date with him so badly, I wouldn’t have asked you to come with us, would I?” you smile at him, swinging your legs forward and backward, focusing your eyes somewhere into the distance again.

“Well, if you really want to go on a date with him, you can just ask him, you know?” he mumbles, playing with the dead skin on his thumb.

“So he can stand me up and go on a date with his mum again? I don’t know, Felix, is that really worth it?” you giggle, not noticing the way you’re messing with the boy’s head, not noticing the way a small spark of hope lights up somewhere in the deep pits of his stomach when you mention not wanting to ask his best friend out. 

“I don’t know, is it?”

“I’ll have to think about it.” you muse out, and the spark is gone. Of course it’s not that simple. 

Felix just nods and grins at you. The chilly air helps him hide his red cheeks when he thinks of how embarrassing his thoughts must have been in the past quick seconds. He focuses on your face, on the way your eyes crinkle up a little when you stare somewhere far into the distance and your hair flies a little with the breeze. The ferris wheel just reached the top, so he has plenty of time to keep admiring you from so close, but somehow, the moment still feels so short and he wishes he could stop the time. He wishes he could stop the time so he didn’t have to face the reality when he comes down from the ferris wheel. He wishes he didn’t have to see you fall in love with his friend, he wishes he didn’t have to act like he doesn’t care at all. 

“Thanks for helping me, by the way. I wouldn’t have passed my exams if it wasn’t for you and that… that would be really hard on me.” you get out, locking your eyes with his sincerely. He sees your eyes shining even so high above the ground, convincing him the sparkles really must be the stars, when he takes a deep breath in and responds.

“It’s no problem, I get it… I mean, it’s what you gotta do. What we gotta do, when we want to pass. And graduate,” he chuckles. 

Does he really want the degree, though? Or does he just need it to feel like he has some worth? Does he want to graduate or does he just want his parents to value him as an adult, does he really want to continue working so hard on passing or would he just be so much happier if he just dropped out. And saved himself so much stress. He should have known he was never smart enough for college.

“Yeah. I despise the smart kids in our class. I wish I were them,” you scoff, “I despise Jisung, in a way, too,” you add after a dramatic pause.

“Jisung?” Felix furrows his brows.

“Yeah,” you nod, like it’s the clearest thing in the world, “I mean, he’s smart enough to pass. He’s… he’s got his life figured out, in a way. He’s just fine. Getting all the girls and the guys, getting good grades, going on dinner dates with his mum on Fridays,” you giggle, “I mean, I want that. That sounds nice.”

Felix huffs, staring into the distance, “I guess you’re right.” He knows damn well how jealousy feels. 

“I came to college to prove to myself that my life has some worth, but I guess the only thing I prove to myself is that I can’t even pass my exams without help.” you sigh, sounding defeated.

“Hey,” he nudges you a little with his foot, “don’t say that. Life isn’t about grades, degrees and that shit. Of course you have worth and value.” 

He sees you smile in defeat, leaning your head on his shoulder. The feeling of acceptance, pure understanding washes over the two of you, when you gently speak up again. “Try to explain that to my brain.” 

He lightly giggles. “I’m trying, as you can see.”

You look up at him from his shoulder, scrunching up your nose and leaning closer to him, whispering. “It’s not working.” you laugh.

“I know it’s not easy,” he shakes his head, “I’ve been trying to tell that to my family for the past 21 years.” he slips out. Something about you makes him spill out even things he’s never told anyone before, but he finds himself not caring as you approach his eyes with pure serenity mixed with melancholy.

“Is it all because of your parents?” you ask, “the cheating, I mean.”

Felix feels his eyes giving him out, so he chooses not to look at you anymore. “I mean, I would have dropped out long ago if I didn’t have to feel so worthless around my family then. Every single one of my cousins is smart, has a degree and earns a killing. I’m just me-- living from the money I earned over summer, trying not to lose my mind with biology.”

He hears you humming next to him, your head moving as you nod in understatement. The ferris wheel is slowly reaching the bottom again and Felix finds the fact quite relieving. He doesn’t mind having deep talks with you, he just fears he might spill out something both of you don’t want to hear.

“I’m glad you came with me today, Lix.” you smile at him once the two of you reach the bottom, “wanna hear a secret?”

“Spill it out,” he dares you, grinning.

“I only invited Jisung because I thought you didn’t want to hang out with me alone.” you confess, quickly turning around in your spot as you jog a few steps in front of him, carelessly, as if you just didn’t make Felix’s heart stop and insides twitch in excitement. He prays and hopes it’s not just you giving him false hope, he wishes it’s not his mind playing tricks on him. 

“I-” 

“And now that I know you don’t mind being around me, do you wanna go to the dog cafe with me next Wednesday? You know, the one I talked about.” you turn around, flashing him a smile worth a billion dollars, taking him by surprise as his breathing hitches and he doesn’t find it in him to reject you ever again.

“Sure.”

Second step of Lee Felix’s guide to helping you: find a small thing about you he doesn’t like to blow up so much he starts hating you altogether. 

He was so sure that he found the small thing just a few days ago. He thought that the fact that you like his best friend could be enough for him to start hating you. He could sit on that thought for long enough to pick it up to the smallest pieces and over-analyse it to the point he could start hating you. 

And he tries to do just that-- he lies awake at night thinking of how every single person he’s ever been interested in slipped right between his fingers just because of Jisung’s existence. He wonders why he’s never good enough to anyone, why he always has to be the second choice even for tutoring (even though it’s not even tutoring, but we won’t talk about that anymore). He thinks of how you’re so foolish to think your relationship with Jisung is going to last, because Jisung’s feelings never stay the same for long. He over-analyses the smallest things he notices on you when you’re in Jisung’s presence until the point he’s almost sure he can do it, he can hate you for it just a little, in a way, but then, the thought flies right out of the open window as his roommate crashes into his door in the middle of the night.

He startles awake, sitting up at his bed, watching the short male going in with much difficulty, sitting on his bed without a word.

“Jisung?”

“Lixie, I fucked it all up, didn’t I?” Jisung whines, laying down on the bed next to his friend. Felix doesn’t think it’s only due to the late hours of the night that his friend’s words aren’t making any sense, but he doesn’t dare to put his finger on it until he makes sure for himself.

“What are you talking about?”

“Y/N.”

Your name coming out of his lips hits Felix like a baseball bat, hurting in all the right places, as the young male finds it in him to continue the conversation.

“What about her?”

“She asked us to hang out together. And I didn’t go. I know it wasn’t my fault, because my mum was in the town, but still, I feel so bad, because now it must look like I’m not interested in her and that I don’t care and I really don’t want that, you know?” he stummers, making Felix realise his friend talks a lot when he’s under the influence of alcohol just the same second Jisung’s breath catches in Felix’s nose, only proving his point. 

“You didn’t fuck it up, don’t worry.” he muses. And it’s true. Jisung could never truly fuck it up with anyone. Even his exes always crumble up around his feet, wanting attention even after getting their heart broken. Will it be the same with you?

“She must think I don’t like her. And that’s horrible-that’s- that’s- I like her. Very much,” he whines again, getting closer to Felix and wrapping his arms around the blonde’s torso in a wave of affection that only washes over him when he’s drunk.

“Sung-” he stutters, desperately trying to push him away, but even though Jisung doesn’t look like it, he is a strong individual when it comes to involuntary cuddling. Felix can never escape his arms.

“I think she’s special, you know? She’s like- I can’t explain it. It’s like with her, I actually want to try. I want to ask her on dates and love her and give her my heart, because you know, I never dared to give my heart to anyone. And no one’s ever made me feel truly special before…” he mutters, forcing his nose to Felix’s neck, “I’m rambling too much, aren’t I?”

“Yeah,” Felix sighs, nodding. He doesn’t battle his arms anymore. Jisung is his friend, at the end of the day. He can hold him when he needs it.

“Sorry.” he says shortly, sighing as well. The room falls into silence and Felix’s head spins again, his thoughts spiral like a tornado and the eye of the storm is you-- standing there with that stupid smile on your face and he once again realises that he needs to hate you in order to shelter his own heart, because you’re like a hurricane when it comes a to a person’s emotions.

The fact is, though, he could never hate you for liking his best friend. 

Han Jisung is too likable for his own good. His heart is too big for this world, and truth be told, he’s been sharing it with everyone for such a long time now, he deserves to find someone he’s willing to give his all to. 

He could never hate you for liking Jisung-- the boy who smiles at everyone in the halls, the boy that offered him to live in the flat his parent’s bought for him in freshman year, the boy that helps him hide his cheating secret every day. He could never hate you for liking Jisung, because he himself knows too well how much of a treasure his dear friend is. 

He gets it. He gets why people always choose Jisung over him. He could never blame you.

“Sung?”

“Hmm?”

“Ask Y/N out to the dog cafe on Wednesday. She'll love it.”

Felix could never hate you.

Step three of Felix’s bullet-proof guide to hating you is quite simple and actually the only one he completes with success. Setting you up with Jisung on a date is easier than he ever imagined, considering the fact that his roommate decided to finally take things into his own hands and call you on a date after the drunken weeping episode in Felix’s bed. 

Jisung invites you on a date to the dog café in town. The two of you go on Wednesday and although Felix feels like he just gave his roommate a piece of him, an invitation that was never meant for him in the first place, he feels at ease, because at least one part of his plan is working. He could never hate you, but at least now, it will be easier for him to ignore his growing feelings for you when you spend all your time with Jisung on dates and ice cream runs. He only has to ignore his feelings in school and at your ‘tutoring’ sessions. He wonders how long these will be a secret in front of your new boyfriend. Jisung’s not your boyfriend yet, but Felix can only imagine how short the time he isn’t is going to last. 

Felix does the stupid mistake of opening the instagram app in the evening, when he’s curled up in his bed with an embarrassingly big bowl of popcorn on his bed side table, serving him as his depression food. He sees your post show up, an adorable picture of you from the dog café, a big golden retriever in your lap as you giggle at its face. The picture is candid and looks like the kind Felix would like to keep as his lock screen if he had the chance. He’s sure his best friend took it for you not only from the fact that you went out with him tonight, but also for the fact that he’s tagged in the post’s description with a big blue heart emoji. 

He could stop staring at the picture if he really wanted, he could mute your posts and pretend you never existed to shelter his poor heart. He could do everything in his strength to cut all his ties with you. That would make it so much easier for him, wouldn’t it?

But he doesn't. And maybe he doesn’t even want to-- he’s used to the pain anyway, isn’t he? The bitterness, the feeling of being pushed away, ignored and left forgotten. 

He was supposed to be in Jisung’s place now, but that doesn’t change the simple fact that he isn’t-- maybe it was never his place to claim anyway. 

Felix stares at the picture for minutes, wondering of how things could be if you only didn’t fall for his best friend. Or if he came with you today. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t too late for him to ask you on a date. Maybe he could still change your mind. Felix likes to give up on things too quickly, though, and that is the curse that will follow him his whole life. 

Lee Felix is good at cheating. He is insanely good at it, he would also say it’s the only thing he’s ever been good at. Pretending.

It’s his time to shine again. It’s time to pretend he doesn’t like you, pretend you don’t hurt him, pretend he isn’t in love with his best friend’s crush. He’s been always the best at cheating and now it’s time to cheat his way out of liking you. 

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

“You must be really hungry, if you’re planning to eat all of that in one setting,” Felix mumbles, watching you as you eat yet another plate of chicken wings in yet another pointless bistro in town. Felix wonders how you even know about all of these, since the one you’re both sitting in right now, in the middle of the night, looks rather lonely. It doesn’t even seem that welcoming-- it has graffiti on the walls and the seats are a little torn on the edges, but you don’t seem to care as you munch on the chicken, eyes big when you stare back at your companion.

“I eat a lot when I’m stressed,” you mutter in between your bites, mouth full. You look natural like this and Felix realises this is you in his mind-- cheeks full of food, that little wrinkle in between your brows when you look at him, eyes staring big into his like a loyal dog. This is how he knows you, in your rawest form, and this is coincidentally, also, how he likes you the most. He loves and treasures every single version of you, but your late-night meetings feel of different kind of intimacy to him that he’s sure he’s going to think of even when he’s old and his college years are dusty like an old polaroid picture.  

“Stressed?” he asks, tone of voice a little more worried than usual. Felix always worries about you. Even when you quietly take out your cheat sheet from under the table and write your answers down. He doesn’t fear being caught-- he frankly doesn’t care that much, but he knows that you are having a battle with yourself and he really doesn’t want you to feel like you lost. He didn’t know it was so easy to put someone else first when you worry for the future. 

“The finals are coming up.” you clarify, the words coming out a little bashful and smitten.

“Oh.” he nods. 

You’re both quiet for a while. It would be cheesy to say the silence was comfortable, and Felix knows, he’s seen enough teenage dramas to know these words are used in situations like this, but the truth is, there’s no other way to describe it, and he understands that now. Your determination shines through all your edges and he’s glad you’re doing what you can with the resources you have. You’re not exactly studying for your Biology finals, but it’s still as hard and as stressful as that. It can feel a little embarrassing at times, but there’s no other way around it. You have to battle your enemy, even if it means the game is not fair.

“And those chicken wings are fucking good, dude,” you mutter after a while, offering him one of the paper baskets the server brought you a few minutes ago, looking rather stoned and not interested in your presence at all.

“Don’t tell me this rotten place is winning your chicken wings and fries contest,” Felix snickers, taking a bite that, to his surprise, actually tastes the best out of the amount of fast food chains and restaurants you’ve brought him to. You should never judge a book by its cover and this bistro is clearly one of the examples.

“I have only one place left to go, so we’ll see then, but I guess it might just be the top place right now,” you muse out, a wide grin decorating your features as you glance up at Felix that watches you scribble down your notes on a mini piece of paper.

“Wanna go with me there? After the finals, of course. We can celebrate if we pass,” you point out, licking your lips in nerves, “I don’t think I’ll need these ‘tutoring sessions’ anymore then, but I still want to hang out sometime.” you say, putting air quotes around the words tutoring session, looking at him with expectations in your eyes.

“Oh, sure,” he agrees, nodding. “I have to be there when you finally declare your last yelp review.”

You only laugh at him and shake your head, eating some more as you look down into your notes again, lost in work. “I still don’t get how you can do these so fast.”

“I already know what’s the most useful. You don’t have to copy the whole textbook on there.”

“You can never know! What if I’ll need it all?” you exclaim, only making him laugh harder.

He points his eyes out of the window, watching the empty parking lot. You didn’t come in your car today, telling Felix your house is close anyway, and Felix doesn’t dare to drive his car anywhere unless he doesn’t need to. He has a little bit of a trauma since the last time he drove with his dad and he almost ran the car into a tree, getting a shower of swear words and exclamations from his dear father, so he only drives his small white Renault when he needs to go home. Which is, coincidentally, next week. 

“I really don’t want to go home next week,” he sighs.

“Your family is still onto you for the smallest shit?” you ask, tone of voice sympathetic.

“Yeah. Can’t wait to graduate so I don’t have to listen to them talking about a degree anymore,” he rolls his eyes, “I only have to find myself a partner so my grandma can shut up about me being single all the time.”

You softly laugh, making Felix look at you for a moment, his heart skipping a few beats when your eyes meet for a little more seconds than usual. “I’m sorry. You can always text me, though, if you need anyone to talk or gossip with.” you say, averting your eyes from his.

“You’d have to be on your phone 24/7, then. My mental stability comes down by 70% when I’m back home and it’s already only on 15% now,” Felix snickers.

“Oh, I don’t mind. I’ll be staying here anyway.” you say, giggling.

“You’re not coming back home?”

“No,” you shake your head in disapproval, quickly glancing into his eyes before speaking up again, “it’s my parent’s wedding anniversary, so they’re going on a holiday. There’s no use in me coming home if I’m just going to be alone there anyway,” you shrug.

Felix hums, nodding in understatement. “That makes sense. I’m sorry you can’t meet your family on holidays, though.”

“It’s okay,” you say, “I see them often anyway. One Christmas won’t kill me. I have a whole season of Game of thrones to catch up on anyway.” you light-heartedly laugh, sounding like Felix’s favorite song. He smiles with you, shaking his head in disbelief at how positively you can always see the world, when he glances out of the window for a moment again, only to be met with a surprise. 

There are white flakes of snow falling from the sky and something in Felix wakes up-- something he’d call happiness, maybe even joy, when he quickly shoots up from his seat and calls you with excitement coating his voice, “Y/N! Y/N! Come on!”

“Come where? Felix, what are you-” 

He doesn’t let you finish as he takes you by the hand and tugs you on your feet, tugging you out of the empty bistro out into the dark parking lot, admiring the snowflakes falling onto the ground and every surface in his sight. He sees some stick into your hair, making him giggle as his outstretched hand dusts them off subconsciously, when he starts running around like a happy child, laughter coming out of his throat filling the silence.

“It’s snowing!” you exclaim, when Felix reaches your body frozen in its place again. He reminds you of a golden retriever when he jumps a little in his place, his feet happily crouching in the snow. You laugh at his antics when he starts acting like a little boy, this side of Felix being so new to you, yet you can’t help but feel your heart swell with admiration when he asks you to catch some snow into your mouth.

“Felix! That’s disgusting!” you refuse, laughing.

“Oh come on! It’s just water!” he cheers, leaning his head back and opening his mouth wide, waiting for the snow to fall into his mouth. 

“But it’s unhygienic and dirty! You have to be kidding me!” you still reject his idea, standing your ground firmly as always in your life so far, when a face of a boy looking like an angel takes you by surprise and his big eyes plead you in a way that makes you drop all your grudges and all your beliefs down, rolling your eyes when he pouts, leaning your head back as well and opening your mouth with a loud ‘aaaa’ sound to satisfy his foolish heart.

Once you both feel a snowflake hitting your tongues, you look at each other with your tongues out, laughing at how stupid the other one looks, pointing to your tongues. You shake your head. “It melted off, you stupid!”

“You did the same thing!” he bursts out laughing, bending over in the force of his emotions. You watch him with a wide grin plastered onto your face. It feels like watching a movie. You don’t think you’ll ever have a brighter memory with the boy in front of you, with his cheeks red from the snow and smile so wide it hurts both of your jaws.

You instinctively take his hands into yours, looking down on your feet as you start going around in a circle with him, going quicker and quicker as you watch your footprints in the snow mixing with his, the dry skin of his hands making you feel strange. You laugh out when your head starts spinning, looking up at him to find him already staring at you with stars in his eyes, when you wonder,

isn’t this how love is supposed to feel?

All of his life, Felix had thought that family gatherings could always either go two ways, and that is: 1) a normal, boring meet-ups where your grandma asks about how school’s going, when you’re going to finally find a partner and another one of your cousin’s announces their engagement party, or 2) the actual engagement parties-- every single family member including the senile grandma from mum’s side gets drunk and you don’t have to think about more fake reasons why you have yet to lose your virginity.

You see, Felix is wrong in a lot of things. And this was surely one of them-- it’s the December 27th and he’s sitting in his grandma’s old kitchen, the wind blowing through the cracks of her window and the sweets on the table have already melted from the heat being too high, because his aunt is always cold and they can’t compromise. That sounds fine, even usual, Felix would say, however, the fire lights up a few moments later when his head starts to hurt from all the talking and he begins to dissociate a little too much, meaning that his grandma now has to shift her attention from all of his other relatives to him, because how dare he stay quiet on a family gathering where he has nothing to add to the conversation, right?

It starts off as usual, the answers to these questions digged deep into Felix’s brain since the first year of college. He doesn’t even bat an eye when he answers the questions directed at his studies and grades, telling all of his interested relatives that he’s working hard and it’s paying off. Nobody complains or disagrees-- his grades are awesome. His degree is here soon. Felix almost thinks he’s over with when his grandma laughs at a poor joke that comes out of his mouth, but that was only a bad prediction as he moves on to questions about his love life, which are, believe me or not, much more boring and much more ego-hurting for the blonde.

“Do you have a girlfriend yet, Felix?” she asks, tone of voice sounding rather interested, but don’t believe her-- it’s only an act. She’s ready to laugh into his face when he gives her the answer she’s hoping for.

“No, not yet, grandma,” he mumbles, averting his eyes from her wrinkley face as soon as possible. He really doesn’t need to look at her any longer to know she’s silently judging him on the inside, because that’s just how his grandmother is. 

“That’s such a shame… I wonder why… You’re such a pretty young boy, aren’t you?” she mutters under her nose, tone almost whiney, “what about your roommate? Jisung, was it?”

Felix takes a deep breath in, closing his eyes for a second to calm his rising heart beat. He could have predicted questions like this coming, because the conversation always somehow diverted to his roommate even when he was at home with his family. It’s crazy, how everyone just seems to adore Jisung much more than their own family member. 

“He’s.. Yeah. He’s always with someone, you know him. Not now, though, now he’s single,” Felix nods, explaining.

“Well, I’m sure he’ll find someone soon,” she admits, “he’s such a gentleman. And so handsome as well, isn’t he?” she asks, his aunt from her right side nodding quickly at the mention of Han Jisung. 

“He always has so many people around him, he’s so charming. If only you were more like him, maybe then someone would date you as well,” his grandma says calmly, not even noticing the way her words cut deeper and deeper into Felix’s heart, kicking him and punching him like a boxing bag, “you should try to be more like him.”

Felix bites down on his lower lip, rolling his eyes. Frustration coats his voice once he speaks up, the built-up anger living inside of him like an animal kept well in its cage. He doesn’t want to let it out, because he fears what it might do once it’s free, but he still retorts to a dig addressed to his grandma, huffing in annoyance. “Should I send Jisung home instead of me next time?”

“Oh no, Felix, what are you even saying right now?” his grandma looks rather offended, eyes twice their usual size as she glares at him.

“Well, since you like him so much.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I was just saying that-”

“Leave it.” Felix says. 

The atmosphere is too heavy now, all eyes on him as if he was in a circus, watching him just moments before his breaking. He realises he no longer feels welcome in this place and maybe he never did, he just chose to ignore it by now, because that’s what he always does when a problem appears-- he chooses ignorance. Ignorance is Felix’s best friend, and although it may sound like he’s running away from his problems all the time, it’s always worked so far. He’s just protecting his heart, building walls around it. 

He doesn’t want to fight. He hates conflict. So, even though he’d like to snap, even though he’d like to leash out like an animal, he doesn’t. He steps back-- as he always does, taking the car keys from the table and escaping the house, hearing the calls of his mother after him. He doesn’t bother to say goodbye, he doesn’t even bother to look back nor take the Christmas gifts his grandma brought for everyone. 

He sits into the small white Renault he drives once a year when he comes back home, starts the engine and speeds up to the limit, driving away from all of his problems. He doesn’t want to hear their complaints, he doesn’t want to listen. It’s the best this way. He wants to ignore the words that came out of his grandma’s mouth, but he can’t find it in him as he hears them resonate in his head over and over again. 

He’s the second choice even in his own family. He’s a joke to everyone, isn’t he? Just the side character, the one that never gets the spotlight. It hurts, it hurts him so much, but he pays no attention to his blurry vision, because even though he’s fairly sure no one from his family would miss him, he doesn’t want to drive off the road and kill himself with his escape.

He parks the car in front of his and Jisung’s flat after a few hours. He’s fairly good at it, considering he never drives, and mentally puts up a middle finger to his dad in his head for screaming at him so much. He was in a much calmer headspace when he was driving with his dad than he was now, yet, he didn’t manage to drive anyone over. 

Putting his feet into the cold, empty apartment, turning the heating on and plopping down on the sofa, he once again realises how lonely it feels. Not only because of the feeling of abandonment the dark flat resonates, but also due to the fact that it truly feels like now, he’s all alone in this world. The silence screams louder than any words ever could, his ears lowly ringing without any sound in the small room, which makes him wonder if he’s truly the only one that has to spend his holidays pretty much alone. Maybe it’s his fault that he’s fucked it up with his family, who knows-- but that’s a topic for another overthinking session of his, when he decides to let it go once his eyes meet the snow silently falling down behind the window. 

The dark mixed with the white balls of fluff in the air remind him of you. Your bubbly laugh, the feeling of your skin on his when you held his hands and danced around with him in the snow. He feels a smile growing on his face, despite everything he’s heard today, his fingers involuntarily texting you to see if you’re doing anything and if you can hang out with him today. 

He meets you at the door a few minutes later, your nose runny from the cold and hands dry, smiling at you with a sense he can only describe as belonging, because he realises, maybe you feel just as lonely as him on holidays and suddenly, he no longer feels sorry for leaving.

“Why are you even here, Lix? Shouldn’t you be at home?” you ask him when you’re taking off your shoes and hanging your coat on the hanger by the door. He bites down on his lower lip to suppress a bitter chuckle. 

“Christmas got cancelled this year.” he shrugs. 

It’s not like he doesn’t trust you. You know better than anyone what his struggles are-- he asked you to keep his secrets numerous times. It’s just that now that you’re here, it’s like his soul finally feels calm and he no longer wants to whine about his grandma or his aunts anymore. It’s just you and him and the empty apartment. If he was anyone else, maybe he’d try to get into your pants. He’s just Lee Felix though, and he’s absolutely, wholeheartedly in love with you, he realises, and believe me, it kind of takes him over the edge, and so he doesn’t try anything. 

And you look at him in understatement, no other questions asked.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s all a capitalistic holiday anyway,” he shrugs.

You follow him into the living room and he throws the remote control into your lap, telling you to choose a movie before he comes back with popcorn. 

“If you don’t pick anything before I’m done, we’ll just watch Venom, I don’t care,” he says, seeing you adorably scrunch up your nose at him in response. 

When he comes back and you’re waiting for him with Howl’s moving castle paused on Netflix, he can’t help but grin at you. He places the popcorn on the coffee table and notices himself staring onto your body next to his far more often than the TV and wonders if he really drove away from all of his problems or if he just drove away from one problem to another, because now, it’s getting really hard to focus on staying away from you. 

And when you shiver and curl up into his side, placing your head onto his shoulder, he can’t help but jolt at the contact, staring at you in surprise. 

“It’s cold,” you mumble, pouting.

Felix smiles. He rolls his eyes at you, even though on the inside, he finds you absolutely adorable, taking a blanket from the side of the sofa and putting it over your cold bodies, tucking you both in. You feel warm against his side, your hand resting on his chest. He wonders if you can feel his quickening heartbeat, his stiff body and the nerves rising in his heart. Everything else disappears, the fight back home long forgotten and Han Jisung left somewhere home with his own family, the weight of your body overwhelming him when you fall asleep and that’s when he stops and thinks,

isn’t this how home’s supposed to feel like?

The halls of the university building are empty as Felix stands right in front of the closed door, silently pacing around the corridors and bumping his knee up and down. He just got his final’s results and even though his soul was supposed to be at peace, he finds himself stressing over you, currently sitting in the room behind the closed door in front of him, getting your final’s results from biology back. The professor decided to split your class into two groups for the finals so you can, quote, ‘focus better when there’s less people around’ and even though you managed to cheat on your exams without any problems, he still wonders if you did well and if you passed. 

Once the voices behind the closed doors get louder and louder, he figures it’s near the end of your lecture and he can finally see you again and ask you how you did. 

The last time he talked to you without the stress of finals breathing onto your back was back on Christmas break-- more than a week ago. Ever since then, you two have been meeting in the middle of the night again, preparing for your upcoming tests. You didn’t really manage to talk a lot about anything else and even though Felix didn’t mind, he still missed your mindless rambles and weird jokes you used to crack when you weren’t stressing your mind off. 

The door opens and reveals people coming out, a few of them wearing a toothy grin on their faces as they glance on the paper in their hands, a few of them frowning as they pin their eyes to the ground. It’s not easy to differentiate the ones that passed and the ones who did not do that well and even though Felix feels sorry for them, he wonders why they just don’t cheat their way out of bad grades just how he does. It’s not that hard. It just takes a lot of practice. 

Once he finally sees your face, a big, toothy grin decorating your lips, a big stone falls off his heart, a weight lifts itself from his shoulders, because frankly, you wouldn’t look so happy if you failed, right? You’re not a total psychopath.

“How did you-” 

His words are cut off from his mouth, all air kicked out of his body once he feels you so close, the soft skin of your lips pressed up against his in a happy kiss. He’s startled, to say the least. His cheeks are reddening in the instance and he doesn’t even know if time stopped or if it’s just the rising anxiety and excitement in his chest, but he bites down the confusion and kisses you back finally, closing his eyes and bringing you close by your shoulders. The kiss is a little sloppy and messy, but he doesn’t mind-- all that’s occupying his mind right now is you, your sweet lips, your mouthy kiss, your excited hands creeping up around his neck, your bag that fell to the ground next to his feet, your exam paper marked with the big red A+ flying around the two of you when you let it fall from your grasp, your hair tickling his cheeks, you, you, you.

There’s only you. In the air he breathes, in the ground he walks on, in his hands and on his mind. You’re everywhere. Intoxicating.

You pull away from him after a while, grinning at him. It still manages to startle him a little-- how just the small gesture can light up his whole world, how your smile can make him feel like he’s the luckiest person on this earth. He sees stars in your eyes and he wonders who put them there, hoping to be the one, believing he could finally be the one, with how you look at him and hold him in your arms-

but it’s Felix’s life we’re talking about. There’s only you, you, you and maybe somewhere, far away in the distance, there could even be him, but who’s always there for sure is Han Jisung.

Han Jisung staring at the two of you from the open door, mouth agape in shock. Han Jisung with trembling hands, Han Jisung with his books clutched close to his chest as Felix’s heart drops and reality finally hits him. You were never supposed to be his to kiss. You were supposed to be Jisung’s-- his roommate’s, his best friend’s -- you fell for him long, long ago and that’s how it’s always been. 

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, to comfort his dear friend that looks like he’s heart’s being broken, but he finds no words in him to console his actions. He feels bad, he feels so, so guilty when their eyes meet, but he doesn’t manage to say anything before Jisung turns around the corner and leaves. 

The sound of Jisung’s quick steps is the only thing resonating in Felix’s mind like a bell, a signal for him that he fucked up, he did a really, really bad thing. 

His insides clutch and eyes water in the empty college corridor when he wonders,

is this how it feels to break someone’s heart?

You kick the small rocks beneath your feet, gazing into the distance. The cold in your bones makes you shudder, your eyes trailing around the neighbourhood so foreign to you, putting your hands into your pockets so you shelter your fingers from the frozen air. You think how this place looks exactly as you imagined it to-- tall apartment complex and a single big tree in front of it, the cars parked in the driveway obviously having their spot as the neighbours have lived together for a long time to know not to park anywhere else, because it’s more efficient this way. 

You’re waiting and waiting, hoping to see the one you’re waiting for soon, because you doubt your confidence will last you for any longer if you don’t talk to him now. You could lie and tell yourself it’s okay and that you’re not nervous at all, but after Jisung ran away the other day and his roommate followed him a few moments later, you feel nervousness creeping into your skin after not seeing or hearing from Felix for three days now. 

You remember him telling you that he likes to go for late-night convenience store runs every evening to get his favorite snacks. It wasn’t hard to find out where he lives-- it’s the 21st century, for god’s sake. You asked a friend of his friend and here you are, waiting  for him to appear in the door of his apartment complex, ready to talk to him about the events of this week.

Once you hear the door opening, you feel your head snap to its direction quicker than the speed of light, knees almost getting weak at the sight of Lee Felix standing there, confusion written all over his face once his eyes meet with yours. The frown forming on his face only deepens your stress as you wonder if he didn’t want to see you today, which, considering the fact that he’s been ignoring you for the past few days, might just be the case, but it still makes your heart break just a little when you hear him sigh once he makes his way over to you, the sound of his sneakers on the ground being the only thing heard in the middle of the night.

All the snow has melted-- as if all the bright things have left just in time with it, leaving you sad and cold, the clouds of your breath hitting the cold air being the only thing reminding you of the weather as you feel your body heating up in his presence. 

“Can we talk?” you ask, voice steadier than you expected it to be.

“I- I mean,” he starts, a shaky and husky voice hitting your ears, signaling that he probably hadn’t spoken to anyone for a long time now, “you’re already here, so I guess…”

You nod at him, averting your gaze quickly to the ground, when you realise you suddenly don’t know what to say. You try to search for words, yet none come out of your mouth. Your mind is blank and it seems like his presence took away all your vocabulary, but deep on the inside, you know damn well that if you don’t speak up now, you won’t have a second chance and you really have to get it now.

“Why- why…” you mutter, “why did you leave without saying anything the other day?” you ask.

The silence is overwhelming as you start to hate the sound of your own breath, opting to hold it for a few seconds as you await his response. 

“I mean, isn’t it obvious?” 

You shake your head in confusion, finally meeting his eyes again. “No.”

“Jisung… Jisung saw us. I didn’t feel like it was right,” he explains, cracking his knuckles in a nervous habit you noticed in him a long, long time ago when he first tried to teach you how to cheat in class without getting caught.

“What does he have to do with anything?”

“You two like each other.” he says bluntly, taking you off-guard.

The moment these words come out of his mouth, you realise not one, but two things. One of them is fairly new to you, the fact that Han Jisung liked you back was something you never knew you could experience, but even though you should be flattered, you realise it no longer holds a meaning in your heart. The second thing is connected to the first-- and that is, Lee Felix doesn’t know that you like him now. His foolish, silly mind convinced him you were still in love with his best friend, his confused and frustrated brain didn’t let him realise that for a long, long time now, the freckled boy in front of you has been the only one you thought about when you were falling asleep at night.

You don’t even know when it happened. You guess it just did. You wondered how it’d feel to know what exactly made you fall for Felix, what that moment was, but something inside of you is telling you that maybe, it was even more wonderful this way. Unexpected, but totally reasonable.

“Why would I be kissing you if I still liked Jisung?” you ask, the fear of directly confessing to him and getting rejected creeping up in your shadow.

“I- I don’t know-”

“Exactly.” you cut him off before he rambles and manages to find a stupid, silly reason in his head to justify his wrong expectations. You know how he is-- if he overthinks things hard enough, he’ll surely find an answer. There’s none, though, so you don’t dare to give him time to think about it and ponder on the thought for any longer.

“But that doesn’t matter now anyway,” he shrugs, putting his hands into his pockets.

You wonder what’s going on inside of his head right now. You wonder if he regrets what he’s done-- if he wants to turn back time and never let you kiss him. The nerves make you bite down harshly on your bottom lip and you only catch yourself when you feel iron in your mouth, quickly licking your own wound on the surface of your mouth and take a deep breath in. 

“Why?” you ask. 

“Why would it?” he says, eyes boring into yours.

“Because… I thought it meant something to you? I mean, it meant a lot to me, at least. That’s why I’m even here in the first place,” you chuckle airly, feeling your throat get dry.

“I’m not saying that it didn’t, I just think it had no point.”

His words feel like knives thrown into your chest, like a fire burning the pit of your stomach. You feel your legs getting weaker at his arguments, your fingers harshly tugging at the skin of your cuticles hidden in your pockets. You don’t trust your voice to sound steady this time when you speak, but you don’t care. Maybe it’s time to show your real emotions. Maybe it will change Felix’s mind.

“And why is that?”

“Because people like you don’t date people like me. You’re supposed to be in love with Jisung. You’re supposed to be dating him, he’s supposed to date you. You’re too good for me anyway.” he shrugs.

“Is this all about Jisung?” you ask, eyebrows furrowed.

You watch Felix sharply inhale in and out, averting his eyes from your figure. The distance between the two of you is unnatural, as if to singal how the two of you are slowly drifting apart. You see him fold his hands on his chest, preparing for what he’s about to say.

“It hurt him, back then. And I hate that. He loves you and I just.. I can’t do that to him, when I know  how much he cares about you.” he says.

Love is a strange thing. You hear Felix say how much Jisung loves you, but is that really true? Does Han Jisung even know you? The real you?

Does Jisung know how you look with your mouth full of fries and a greasy forehead? Does he know how you look when you’re stressed out of your mind because of finals? Does he know your favorite bistro, does he know your favorite movie? Did you cuddle up with Jisung on the couch just because you wanted to be close to him, comfort him and tell him you’re there just a few days after Christmas? 

Or does he just know the self you put up in front of him when you went to meet him? The put-together you that cares even about the sound of your own laugh, not wanting it to sound ugly in his ears? 

Han Jisung can’t love you. He doesn’t even know you.

And you never loved him-- just for the same reason. The feelings you had for him were merely a feeling of attraction, so far away from love.

But now you know how you feel about Felix, how his smile lights up the world and how his presence makes you feel understood. How even the silence with him speaks louder than a million words, how he knows you like the back of his hand and how he treats you like his closest friend. You know that what you feel when you’re with him is stronger than anything you ever have and although it used to scare you for a moment, now you’re ready to embrace it and live with it, if he lets you.

Lee Felix doesn’t tell you he loves you. Maybe you can see it in his eyes.

Why does he have to put everything above love? Why does he care about Jisung more than you? It’s breaking your heart. 

“Felix… I’m sure he’d understand. He’s a good person. I’m sure he’d want you to be happy.”

“Y/N, you don’t understand-”

“He’s a grown adult!” you yell out, the built-up emotions coming to the surface in the form of frustration, your words sunding spiteful and angry. Maybe you are furious, maybe you are full of fire right now, but it’s all because of the boy in front of you and the things he refuses to let himself enjoy.

“Why do you even care about it so much, huh? I was your fucking second choice all along anyway!” 

You look at him in shock, your eyes watering at the sight of the frown sitting on his face. Something inside of you breaks and you think it’s safe to say it was your heart, choking you up as you shake your head in disapproval. 

“Felix-” you protest, but there’s no use.

You see him turn around on his heel, opening the door to the apartment complex and leaving. It feels like you’re losing him, it feels like he’s gone forever. He turned his back on you, refusing all the love you were willing to give him, all the love you were offering to him right here, your heart in your hands.

He gave up on your love.

People in movies go out to party after a break-up to get drunk and numb their feelings. They either go to the club or go to a stupid college party, which is, coincidentally, your case today, but you’re not here to get drunk tonight. You’re not here to drown out your feelings and numb your pained soul-- you’re simply here to try to have some fun.

Your mum told you long, long ago that happiness is a choice. You could argue with her and tell her that depression and heartbreak aren’t a choice and that they, by themselves, are causing people the most sadness, but you had to give your mum a point. If you don’t choose to try, if you don’t do anything to at least try to stimulate your own brain, you can’t expect happiness to find you by itself. That’s just, sadly, not how life works, and you weren’t going to drown out in your own tears just because of Lee fucking Felix, because if you weren’t worth trying for him, he’s not worth any of your tears.

You appear on Lee Haechan’s end of the semester party. You have A+ finals to celebrate and although you would be much happier to drink to them with the one that basically helped you get through the semester, you won’t pass the chance to socialize. You worked hard and you did a good job-- you deserve a party. Alcohol truly isn’t the best for your brain, but you will just decide to call it selfcare. It’s not like you’re getting blacked-out drunk tonight anyway.

You manage to have small talk with a few people from your class. Though it’s not exactly what’s stimulating your brain, you don’t mind it. You barely know these people and you couldn’t care less, but you guess this is the downside of socialising. 

The alcohol in your veins doesn’t give you a chance to loosen up, though. You only feel your body warmer with the beer hitting your system, but your feelings still taste of salt, your brain not cooperating with your grandiose happiness plan and you think the people talking to you notice, since no one really tries to keep you in a conversation long enough when you start to absently nod at them and pay zero attention to what they’re saying. You don’t blame them, though. You’d probably do the same in their place.

Your feet move their way to the front door when you decide that maybe your mum wasn’t right, completely ready to go home and pity yourself for a few more days before coming back to life, when a familiar voice calls you from behind, making you freeze in your spot.

“Y/N, long time no see.”

Han Jisung watches you with glossy eyes, yet he tries to look nonchalant at the sight of you. It doesn’t feel like his heart is breaking when he sees you right here and there, chewing on your bottom lip, more or less, it feels numbing to his heart and his head. It’s like he expected it all from the start-- the outcome that once so surprised him. But after all this time he spent overthinking and dwelling on the memory of seeing you kissing his best friend, it made sense to him. 

“Jisung…”

He can see your eyes growing worried when you watch over him and he mentally slaps himself for not handling his emotions with more care back then. He could have spared you a lot of pain and trouble if he hadn’t reacted in such a way in the doorway of your classroom, but the truth is, Han Jisung hadn’t really known just how much a true heartbreak feels and nothing could ever prepare him for the physical pain numbing his chest. He didn’t know it could hurt so much. 

He doesn’t want to worry you. You are still his friend, after all, right? That’s all you always have been and he should have understood it from the first moment he saw you gaze at his friend so lovingly in the university halls one day. He thinks you, yourself, didn’t even recognise the emotion in you when you watched over Felix with so much care, with so many stars in his eyes and a big grin on your face. He could never compare himself to Felix.

He doesn’t want to worry you anymore, and so he decides to talk to you like a friend would. You looked like you could use a friend tonight.

“How have you been?” he asks, smiling at you. He hopes his eyes convey the emotion he feels-- how after all this time, he still feels comfortable with you and desperately needs you to do the same. He can’t lose another friend. Not to love. 

That happens every single time. Truth be told, Jisung used to have a problem with differentiating true love from platonic feelings sometimes. He used to think he falls out of love just as quickly as he falls in, but the truth is that it was never even love at all. Sometimes, it was just pure admiration. Feelings for a friend. And he managed to ruin all his friendships just because he started dating them. 

And then, he just kept searching and searching for the right one, because no one ever felt right. No one ever made him feel loved, no one ever made him feel love. It felt suffocating, but so, so addicting. He could never give up on trying to find love.

And then he met you. And it finally made sense-- it finally felt right.

“I’m… I’m fine, thanks,” you say, smiling at him with that smile that still, admittedly, made his heart race and swell with love. He’s not afraid to call the emotion by its name. It doesn’t feel wrong. He used to think he wants it to stop, but the truth is, it still feels nice. 

Love feels like loneliness sometimes. It’s a bittersweet feeling. But it’s still so, so addicting.

“Are you sure?” he asks. He knows you. He knows when something’s wrong.

He also knows your eyes have been searching for his roommate for the past few minutes of your conversation. He knows you want to meet him and avoid him all at once, love him and leave him-- it was a paradox. 

He knows his roommate way too well, though. He knows he can’t fall out of love with you. He knows, though, that he’ll never act upon it. Lee Felix has always been the sweetest person in this whole entire world-- putting the needs of others before his own. He can’t keep doing this to himself.He can’t keep doing this to you.

“I think you know the answer, Jisung. Why do you keep asking, then?” you bitterly snicker, going around him and escaping the noisy house. Jisung doesn’t know if you want to leave, if you want to escape his presence, but he can’t leave you just like that, and so he follows you outside, seeing you sitting at the doorstep, as if you were waiting for him.

“You don’t have to think of me, you know that, right?” he says once he takes a seat next to you, watching your expression change into a pained one. 

“It’s… I don’t know. It’s complicated. And Felix- he doesn’t think it’s right. I can’t force him into anything. It was his choice anyway,” you mutter. Jisung sighs heavily, the feeling your words on his chest heavy and solemn. He hates the fact that he is standing in the way of your happiness. He hates the fact that he is the problem, the invisible wall keeping you two from each other. 

“It’s simple, though.” he shrugs.

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion, a heavy sigh escaping your lips. He takes it upon himself to explain before you begin to tell him that it’s not, opting to open your eyes on his own.

“You two are in love with each other. So you should be together. Isn’t that simple?” he asks, smiling at you subtly.

You scoff and shake your head. “He gave up on us.”

“Did he, or did he just do what he felt was right?” Jisung argues. “You can’t keep hiding from each other. You can’t keep trying to ignore your feelings just because I like you. That’s not fair for either of you.”

You don’t argue with him this time. He wonders what’s going on inside of your head at the moment, with your eyebrows furrowed and your bottom lip trapped in your teeth. You look just like all the times he watched you during your tutoring sessions-- focused and lost in thought. It will feel weird to not see you in that way anymore, but he has to try.

The same way Lee Felix always tried for him.

“You’re too sweet, Han Jisung. What a shame our timing’s off.” you say, bitterness coating your voice. He looks up at you again, wondering what your words mean. “I used to like you back then, you know,” you smile.

Here it is, the strange emotion again. The emotion of almost physical pain, a hand squeezing his heart, a knife stabbed into his back. It feels like his world is crumbling down on him, because he’s stupid-- so stupid. He could have had you back then. He could have been with you all this time, only if he wasn’t late. He missed his biggest chance, the biggest opportunity, the happiest time of his life. All because he was too hesitant. 

He didn’t deserve you anyway.

“But now your timing’s right with Felix. Don’t waste that,” he says, biting through the pain.

Because the truth is, if anyone deserved love, it was his roommate. The one that refused you for him, the one that rejected you for him, the one that set him up on a date with you even though you invited him in the first place. The one who gave up on his love only so he wouldn’t hurt his friend. You could say that Jisung was too good for this world, but Lee Felix is the one that deserves the whole entire world, in his eyes.

Maybe these two were just too good of friends. Caring about the other one twice as much as about themselves. And that’s exactly why Jisung will get over this-- he’ll push you to his friend. So he could be happy, finally. 

“Jisung, I don’t know-”

“Do it,” he cuts you off, “reach out to him again. Try it. For me.”

y/n: meet me at the 8Bistro at 9 

Felix can’t believe himself when he finds his legs moving to the direction of the bistro at the edge of the town. He knows it’s the last one on your list, the one you invited him to so you could celebrate your finals in and he finds himself wondering if he could have gone here with you earlier only if the two of you didn’t share that kiss back then.

That damned kiss he couldn’t stop thinking about for the last few days-- even weeks, every time he opened his eyes in the morning and closed them when he was about to sleep. It kept following him like a curse, a thing he couldn’t escape, as if it was testing him like the snake tested Eve in paradise. Foreign fruit. 

You’re sitting there already when he arrives, fingers playing with each other as you gaze at the door in expectation. He sees your usual order already on the table, assuming you got here early, but it’s untouched as your knee bumps up and down under the table and you bite down harshly on your bottom lip.

He takes a seat, allowing himself to look at you again after such a long time. It feels like it’s been ages, yet you still look the same to him-- the same beauty that hit him when he first met you and shared his biggest secret with you.

“Why aren’t you eating? You have to finish off your list,” he mumbles awkwardly, motioning to the food at the table.

“I wanted to wait for you.” you say. Your voice is quiet, almost shy, when you speak to him. He wonders just how much he fucked up that it made you act this way. He knows it’s probably a lot, but considering he’s sitting here right now, he can still fix it.

At least he hopes so. 

“Did you.. Do you want to talk to me about something?” he asks, nervosity filling his veins as he feels his hands form a little swimming pool with just how much he’s sweating.

“Yes,” you nod, taking a deep breath in and out. He wonders if you’re just as nervous as he is. The answer is probably yes, considering your tense shoulders and restless legs, but he doesn’t comment on it as he watches you begin speaking again. “I wanted to tell you that I’m- I’m in love with you. And that it’s for real, and it’s for you and no one else,” you start, quickly wetting your lips and continuing again, “and I know you must feel like a second choice, or like you weren’t important to me at all, but that’s not true.”

“You helped me so much, really, but the more I hung out with you, the more I realised just how wonderful you are. And how your heart is so big, how you’re fun to be around…” you ramble, taking Felix by surprise with your heart-felt monologue, “and that Jisung is not the one for me, because, well, it was just.. it was just a crush. I didn’t know him. He didn’t even know me that well. Crushes… they don’t mean anything. They’re silly. But what I have with you, Felix…” you say, drifting your eyes away from him for a second,

“I know you. The real you. And you know me. You’ve seen me at my worst. You’ve seen me struggle and you know exactly how to help. You know me and I know you and the feelings I have for you are much more than a silly crush. I love you, Felix. And I don’t want to just forget about us.” you complete and Felix swears he can feel his eyes watering at your words. He chooses not to speak up, afraid of his voice breaking, afraid he’s going to embarrass himself in front of you. His emotions got the best of him and right here and now, no one else matters. 

It’s you. You that feels like home, you, the only girl he’s ever loved. You, the only girl that ever loved him back, you, who he foolishly rejected. 

You’re everywhere. In his veins, in his heart, in his foolish, stupid mind.

“Felix… I don’t want you to give up on us.” 

He looks up, seeing your sincere eyes and a look full of worry. You seem so wonderful to him, even now. You’re everything he’s ever dreamt of, a home without a roof and walls. With you, he feels at ease. He trusts you. He’s never felt this way for anyone before.

He watches you and he hears your laugh, he hears your whines when he used to tease you so much. He hears the sound of your memories when he chased you around in the snow. He hears the opening song of Howl’s moving castle, reminding him of the warmth he felt when you hugged him so close that evening.

He used to want to hate you. He should have known that could never be the case.

You’re all he needs-- all he wants. You’re everywhere he looks, in every beauty of the world and in everything that’s dear to him. 

You, you, you, you.

And so he decides-- it’s time to change his plan.

Lee Felix’s bullet-proof guide to loving you: 1) hold her hand, 2) get rid of the guilt, 3) lean in and kiss her.

“Does that mean you’re giving us a chance?” you ask, hopeful eyes glaring at him with millions of stars in them, sparkles swimming around in perfection.

“We’ll talk after you eat. You have a yelp review to write,” he laughs.

“Feli-”

Lee Felix’s bullet-proof guide to loving you: 4) shut her up by forcing french fries into her mouth.

“I love you too.”

[bokubonk]

replaceable

warnings: mentions of sex, angst, slight cursing

characters: Suna x gn!reader

date: 2/17/21

word count: 1.6k+

notes: This is yet another draft that I worked on a month ago but never found the motivation to finish. I’m not too sure how I feel about this one but I hope y’all like it :)

You were in Suna's arms for the second time this week but even though you loved him, his embrace felt empty.

You were having a hard time falling asleep with how many thoughts were running through your mind.

It wasn't as though you had never brought it up to him before but it just seemed like every time you did, he would brush it off and replace his response with kisses and his touch on your body.

Your weekly visits were routine and it was an unspoken promise that you would spend weekends together, having hours of steamy sex before falling asleep next to each other. But there was still that unanswered question that hung in the air: were the two of you simply friends with benefits or something more?

It haunted you and for the past few weeks you've been finding yourself losing sleep over it. It left a bitter taste in your mouth that you still didn't know what the two of you were after months of spending your weekends together.

It seemed as though his lack of response meant he didn't feel the same and you weren't sure how long this half-assed relationship of yours could go on.

And when he looked at you with that grin and threw his head back in ecstasy, you couldn't help but want to keep him to yourself. You wanted this version of him to be yours and yours only.

But it was clear he didn't want the same.

You blinked back your tears as sunlight began pouring through the windows, a river of pinks and oranges. He would be waking up soon and you knew you should leave before he did.

After all, who would want to wake next to someone they only considered to be a good fuck and nothing more.

You didn't want to put Suna through that and you certainly didn't want to put yourself through the unnecessary pain of facing his rejection so you placed a gentle hand around his wrist and lifted his arm from where it was wrapped around you.

You held your breath and slowly pushed yourself up, hoping he wouldn't wake up from your sudden movements. When you were able to completely slide out of bed, you turned around and saw him still fast asleep, the golden rays setting his skin alight.

Your gaze softened and your chest tightened, wishing you could stay.

He looked beautiful and you hoped with all your heart that he could be yours but you knew it wasn't possible.

You engraved this version of him in your mind. The soft, untouched Suna that had yet to be disturbed from his sleep and you placed a lingering kiss to his brow.

You slipped on your clothes and walked out the door as quietly as you could. By the time you made it outside you were freezing, you always made sure to steal one of his hoodies before you left and he never mentioned anything about it so it soon became a routine. But now that you were ending your relationship, you had to leave all that behind. No more good night texts or oversized sweatshirts covered in the scent of his cologne. No more him.

Your phone was clenched in your hand and tears were streaming down your cheeks as you trembled with your sobs. He would probably be awake by now but you didn't have the energy to do it yet. You didn't have the courage to send him the text you had spent all night thinking about.

By the time you arrived at your apartment, you were exhausted from all the nights you spent awake and from how much you had cried so the moment your head hit the pillow, you fell asleep.

Suna opened his eyes to an empty bed and still-warm sheets. You hadn't left all that long ago and his brows furrowed in concern.

It wasn't like you to leave early without telling him and he missed the warmth of your touch. He checked his phone for any messages but he found none.

He figured you had simply forgotten to text him and you would hit him up later so he shrugged on a shirt and combed his fingers through his hair. He distracted himself by turning on the t.v. and eating jelly sticks while he waited for you to message him.

But when his phone finally vibrated, his heart dropped. 

He blinked, unsure of what to make of the words staring back at him. 

I can’t do it anymore, Rin.

I’m sorry.

With his heart racing in his chest, he scrambled for his shoes and rushed out the door. There was only one thought on his mind and it was without a doubt the fact that he couldn’t lose you. 

The bitter wind bit at his cheeks and his lungs burned but there was no way he was going to stop now, not when you were slipping through his fingers and he had yet to say the three words he had been holding back. 

He paused to catch his breath before knocking on your door but after seconds of no response he went to knock again only for the door to open before he could. 

“What are you doing here?” you rasped, staring at him with swollen eyes. You were dressed in only a pair of baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt full of holes and yet you had never looked more beautiful. “Didn’t you see my message?”

The uncomfortable feeling grew in his chest. He couldn’t have it end this way, not after he had tried so hard to keep you by his side. His voice wavered as he spoke, “Just give me a reason, y/n.”

You stared at him with hurt brimming in your eyes and he wondered just what he had done to hurt you, knowing that he would do anything you wanted, as long as you promised him to stay. 

“Tell me why,” his voice cracked and he found he couldn’t stare at your face any longer, not when his sight was blurred with his tears and he couldn’t bare the thought of you seeing how weak he was. 

“Rin, I can’t,” you sobbed. “Please, just leave me alone.”

“Just say it,” he steeled himself for your rejection. Perhaps you had found someone else, someone who made you happy, someone who wasn’t him. But he couldn’t let you go yet, not until he knew why.

Your heart clenched and you found you couldn’t hold back the words spilling from your mouth. “I’m in love with you and I know you don’t feel the same. It hurts being by your side and knowing I can’t call you mine. I don’t know what else to do other than stop what we have because I’m exhausted trying to be what you need when it just reminds me how replaceable I am.”

You were angry at yourself for giving in and confessing when you knew he didn’t feel the same but at the same time you couldn’t help but hate him for going after you when he was only going to reject you in the end. 

Suna blanched once he heard your words. 

“Replaceable?” he echoed. “I don’t know where the fuck you got that from when you’re the only one I’ve been talking to for months.”

The ache in his chest faded at your confession and instead he felt a surge of anger at your assumptions.

“And who are you to tell me how I feel? When did I ever say I didn’t feel the same. I sure as hell don’t remember anything.”

He spat the words like they were poison on his tongue but all you could focus on was the fact that he felt the same. 

“But, you always avoided it whenever I told you I wanted to talk,” you sniffled, wiping at your eyes. You gazed down at your fidgeting hands, not wanting to look at him when you were unsure of what expression you would have on. 

His eyes widened. “You wanted to tell me your feelings? I always thought you were trying to tell me you didn’t want to see me anymore and I didn’t want you to leave so I tried to put it off.”

Guilt settled in his stomach and he grabbed your hands, squeezing them in reassurance. 

“So does this mean you liked me back this whole time?” you asked, hesitantly. You were still unsure if you could believe it. After all, this was Suna. You had been preparing yourself for his rejection for so long, you didn’t really know how to react now that you knew he felt otherwise. 

“How could I not?” he murmured, his eyes softening as he caught sight of your flushed cheeks. “Y/n, I- fuck, if I had known about this I would never have put it off for so long. I’m s-.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I should’ve tried harder to tell you,” you cut him off with a smile. “I guess what matters now is where we go from here.”

“I’m fine with anything you’re comfortable with,” he paused, swallowing the lump in his throat, “I just don’t want to lose you ever again.”

“How about we take it slow?” you suggested. You weren’t sure you were in the right head space for a relationship but you knew as long as Suna was the one you were with, everything would be alright. 

“Slow sounds perfect,” he smiled, cupping your face between his large hands and leaning in to press a soft kiss to your lips. 

fill out this form if you want to join my taglist!

@cindyttnx @halesandy @haikyuutothetop​ @jujube1237​

[captainkurosolaire]

~ Mass Update ~

Mainly going into future plans and intents alongside ideas below cut.

Ton's of things I've in store this will prove difficult to vent it all out. But here we go... First off rehashing and appropriately learning to tag and organize things better on my blog. Each category will have their own corresponding content, I seek to bring or share. [Tales of Goldbrand] -- I intend this to carry a Compendium of all my writes soon that'll have everything neatly in-order including a glossary, so it'll have highlights of stories that even matter or the best stuff. I've written here for a very, long time, there's been many shifts. I want to make it more accessible. While coloring what matters for people who want to learn Captain or his Crew with less chapters. While also giving choice to find it all easily. This is essentially a step-above master-lists. I'll be doing that after the Saga I have going on, right now is done. [Captain] -- Will provide you strictly with Captain screenshots, gifs, photo-sets. This is still his blog despite the Crew thing's will sort of make this a scuffed Multi-Muse blog. I've few more things to edit and tag fix to get all his stuff though. [The Wild Crew] -- Afterwards this story is done Immortal Age Saga, It's something that I mainly wrote as a passion project within three days to get my warm-up process fixed. It's to allow me to get a feel for all his Crewmates and casts, in combat, in-general, to feel their presences. While also giving a bit of their backstories. At any point, I can go back and polish or tweak things in. They're NPC's but... not entirely. All will have their own 'Dreams' and their own 'Disapproval's' they have their own missions even. These things will factor eventually, they might set seeds, to betray or disagree with something, but that's all angst and more stories to be created, but overall, they'll probably always be Crew, eventually. -- I plan on making character-profile sheets of them and putting them in this Tab, it'll have their screenshots, their likes/dislikes. Some RP partners or people can also be shipped with them, but they'll all be monogamous and originally start off probably Pan. This allows them to figure out what they like on their own stories. I've always been someone who likes organic-flow. Although this one story contain all 16 characters or more, the rest will probably be shortened to a Squad of 4 and dispersed when on adventuring missions. Until I do a War Arc, that's my main goal to build too. [Roster] -- Will contain this Crew in just screen-sets dedicated to them, I'll probably randomly produce those. I've PC players among this Crew too. I may not be done either adding more, but this Crew is mainly built around Quality. Most pirate crew's mainly, have hundreds, thousands. Even Fleets. This Crew has personalities, monsters, people who are living life's that exist with piracy. He's an particular leader that had PC players the same way, he's had split-personality serial killers aboard, tribal chieftains, succubus, all sorts of various people once on a Crew. It's often an outcast style, pirates default are chaotic in nature, so this really isn't any different, it's a Fantasy version of it. There's humanization characters aboard too though, so this cast is really decked, everything and person is vital, they matter because they remind or covet something that others can draw upon. If ever played (Three Houses or Mass Effect / Dragon Age Origins) A lot of things like that are relatable too this structure and format. Which, Is something I want to be able to give when RPing. I want a genuine feel of this new world someone else's muse will be the main-character too. Depending on what's interacting everything they'll be scale appropriately to follow the genre they're in and environment even. [Aesthetics] -- Already explainable what you'll find here. [Asks] -- Same thing. [Prompts] -- Trivial things I was tagged too, I plan on compiling later. [Writing] -- Another alternatively to randomly go-down and it works right now. [Logs] -- Will have more individualistic master-lists and posts there, my poems from Sheik Sphere the Bard, etc.

Things of that nature, I'll probably add still. It's where a lot of my creative writing is summed. [Gems of Hydaelyn] -- My main #tag for other characters and artists, creationist. Lot of amazing people easily to find their zones or follow them optionally if you like. Ton's I intend to support and bolster, be a lot less unspoken. I'm never the type who's been strictly inclusive. But I'll do that when I've time to even explore the dash, I'm always still planning ahead with things and projects. [CKS] My original character-sheet it's outdated on something's but not too terrible. I'll give him polishing someday, I swear? [21+F-List] -- Just purely degenerate stuff of Captain. I'm a pirate blog. I will represent that with openness and furthermore. I'm never projecting you some false-image. I started off a smut-writer by stripping that, I no-longer represent the same aura and identity. But those are strictly his stuff and kinks, I'm effective in executing them but they're not all relatable to me OOC. This blog will always be 18+ containing crude or dark material sometimes, romantic things, this Captain is blunt, will literally put his cock on the table in conversations. Swearing and being censored would be too uncommon and displace most of him, but there's more about him then all this. [Other] -- I pay homage to a lot of characters, I originally am a Concept Designer. Which mean's I make characters and ideas like my addiction. Bad characters / villains or other little things I like to share in designs, I'll put there. Some villains might get little photo-sets, even if they died. Just cause I like their design, or maybe I'll give them an AU, where they won. When I've wrapped up things. [Collabs + Ships] -- Is a new project idea. This isn't going to be something limited too romantic only ships. It'll contain, platonic, romantic, friendships, rivals, frenemies, family, PC Crew, all ships. I am desperately working on improving my gif, screenshot, posing game so I can supply 'Screen Stories' this is not only a way to RP that's accessible with even people who are upon time-crunches from work, It gives visual-representation. To impactful stories shared with others and establish bonds. That are all-valid and impactful matter. Lot of people take a lot of their characters attributes into them and are them dialed up, I work with that and bit more, differently. I'm disconnected from my characters and they'll get hurt and injured and killed by me, that's my duty as their Author to give them conflicts and struggles. I'm their major antagonist, but that doesn't mean at-all, it's always SET that way. The characters I like to make have their own life, they live in this setting and are abide by it, they're often nothing, nobodies, and by the interacting with others, they slowly gradually building, more... Through emotional impacts, they alter, these are REAL people by all their beliefs. Each person they come in-contact with are legitimate and treated like that too. They've always impacted or given them insights to grow, or represent more. Otherwise it'd be criminally disrespectful if I allowed any emotional I felt OOC be the grudge to something IC. Captain in-particular is set on defying me. I cannot have that. ...But I can't stop him. He's met and encountered so many people and lived so many scenarios based on the actions of others, he's giving a chance right now to actually do things a lot further than impossible. The more people he meets and encounters, experiences, the more I lose. These stories are emotionally interactive where everything is a factor and adds to the dice, where the other people are the one who get to roll the dice for him, not me. That's something I want to color in. People range in emotions, they have their down's, ups, their own wholesome-grounding people, spending time with your favorite people, there's nothing more cherishing than that, being in your own comfort-zone or 'safe-space' these are all treasures that we live under, today. Contrary if what people assume of me, I'm not another 'blogger' that's came

before, who's wanting to force a harem, then constantly is bewildered when that falls to pieces cause of selfishness or a lack of communication, or the skeletons they have in their closets and beliefs they hid behind and swindled fooled everyone. I'm not looking to be popular or anything really, I just create stories and want to share in those, and I want to also boost others included, upward with me, especially those who make me. There's no ego in anything I do, this is purely love. I've never cared about being replicated or duplicated, I've had stalkers, I've gone through more then anyone would imagine, I've been used OOC and abused, just for my writing and cold-harshly told, i'd never amount to anything other then that or vice-versa. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Passion. That's all I got and am anymore. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Passion is the hardest thing to keep. It's something that can be stolen, quite effortlessly. Few words of discouragement, a bad negative representation, a lack of confidence, or small amount of time, there's many thing's that can put that flame out. Once you lose it. The difficulty to reattain is hundred-times harder than climbing any mountain for real. I've watched the greatest creators crumble from under the pressure, from beaten down by others. I watched many of them do it to themselves because they put a grand vision of needing validation of another and once lost, felt uncompelling to press onward. But passion also can be given BACK and drawn. It can be shown and encourage others, with a soft-triggering, that pushes them. That motivates, that constantly sticks to it. There are many that fuel me. If I ever quit, I let them down, I spit in the faces of people who're better than me in every-way. Or people who've came and given me their precious Time. That have given their character's or dedication to the abundant stories and community-driven things I've done. There's ONLY things you can do, create, give and provide. It cannot ever come to life without YOU. This is a fact. ...I swear, If you let your creativity soar, you'll be amazed by the heights you get. Constantly polish and learn and hone the best you, challenge yourself day after painstaking day, to draw better improvement on something, no matter how trivial or unfamiliar you are. You'll find a confidence only you can give yourself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Future Plans --------------------------------------------------------------------- For me, I've got so much more stories to give and also explore, I might be taking up soon some other artists and more skilled people from community and hire them for some of my future writes, to up my game or cause something thing's can't be done in-game cause no background carries it. I also got a lot of-set up things and more angst stuff I want to practice, plus I'm adamantly on that grind to produce screen-sets with the intent's to some sort of improving daily. Additionally more people I'll be reaching out too soon for these collab's ideas and things. I look forward to shaking your hands, giving some hugs, show you my respect and admiration, then creating some enchanting stories and giving plots light. Feel free to reach out to me, I get scattered-brain but I'm working on getting better about it. Eventually will get to you though, my goals, if uninterested just say so when I poke, no bites, unless you kinky. Anyways, cheers hearties.

[boldlyvoid]

Intro to Criminal Minds: Why They Did It

Criminal Minds x Mindhunter AU

Spencer Reid x Peggy Carr (OC) Part 2: The Case

Summary: Spencer is teaching a 7-week seminar on the most interesting criminal cases, explaining their actions to understand why they took place. Only, not everyone in the audience is a student.

warnings: strangers to lovers, mutual pining, slow burn! flirting, fluff, eventual smut, idiots in love, OC is Wendy Carr and Jason Gideon's biological daughter. mentions of rape and murder (typical canon violence)

word count: 2.2K

ao3

P1

He’s not expecting her to roll out a full map after the waitress clears the food from their table. They’ve been in the booth for barely 20 minutes. Having mindless conversations about their day and small get to know each other questions while they ate.

“So, I brought all this to my dad,” she explained, dropping 33 files on the table as well as 2 spiral notebooks and a handful of pens. “He thinks I have a case, but he’s refusing to look at the evidence because he’s still triggered by it, which I get, but he said you’d be the best at helping me because I really just need a geo-profile consult.”

“How is he doing?”

She’s been waiting for him to ask but she still didn’t know how to answer, no matter how much time she had to prep, “uh, he’s good. He talks about you every time I see him, how often do you talk?”

“We haven’t talked since he almost died, 6 years ago now… yes, it was in 2015,” Spencer says it like it’s nothing serious.

“Oh,” she’s confused about it all. Her father talks about him more than anyone else, always remembering a case or a conversation that he just had to tell her about.

Spencer was his buddy in her eyes. “Here I was thinking he liked you more than me like you’re his favourite kid.”

“I’m not his kid,” his eyes widen at the insinuation that they’re somehow siblings in any sense.

It makes her laugh, she knows he’s interested in her a small amount. She was hoping he would, she’s heard so many wonderful things about him and she remembers just how cute he was back in 2005. Now he’s a man and a mighty fine one at that…

“I take it you’re an only child?” He changes the subject, “you can’t handle the idea of your father having relationships with people your age when you hardly know him?”

“How about you tell me who you think I am and I’ll tell you where you went wrong?” She challenges him rather than answering, she knows he’s good but she wants to see it in action.

Spencer raised his brow, “if I get it right, you’re paying for lunch.”

“Deal.”

He opens her notebook and takes a look at her notes, flipping through the pages reading the words just as fast as her father said he could. It was incomprehensible, but he didn’t read far… he keeps going back to her drawings, studying the pressure and how her mind worked.

“Your mom travelled a lot when you were a kid, and you always went with her. I’m thinking you have a few degrees, at least 3…” he pauses to watch her microexpressions, trailing her skin with his eyes as he looks for anything out of the ordinary. “There’s a doctorate in there but you hate being called Dr. Carr because that’s your mother’s name and it reminds you too much of people asking about her instead of how you’re doing.”

It cuts deep, but he hits the nail on the head and she just blinks. The simplest microexpression that shows him he got it right, his smile is awkward and he’s sorry for it.

“You were homeschooled so you don’t trust people very easily. You have issues with your father that you can’t place because you still don’t think you know him well enough to really have an opinion, and you’re jealous of me because you wish you knew how he brags about you when you’re not around, but he doesn’t talk about you because you told him not to.”

“I specifically told him I wanted to be left out of his life to stay safe, so it’s really my fault that he can’t brag about me. But I still wish someone would,” she admits with a soft smile. “And I think it’s not really jealousy. I’m not jealous of how he brags about his time with you. If anything, I really admire you now.”

He blushes a little, “alright, your turn.”

“You’ve never had a girlfriend before have you?” She calls him out right away. “You can’t take a compliment seriously because no one has loved you deep enough yet for you to believe them. I already know about your parents, I know that you’re scared of forgetting and that’s why you won't stop learning. I think you probably have a bucket list, you’re desperate for something exciting to happen and that’s why you like me already.”

He blinks right back, “touché.”

“I’ll still buy your lunch,” she smiled, and he smiled right back. “And I do have 3 degrees.”

“I do too.”

“I know,” she reminded him. “You’ve been working on that 4th one for the last 16 years.”

“I haven’t had the time.”

She shakes her head as she laughs, teasing him as if she’s better than him because she knows he finds her interesting already, “I had my Ph.D. by 17, as well 2 masters by the time I was 21.”

“3 Ph.D.’s by 22,” he bragged right back.

It had suddenly become a staring contest, “when exactly did your dad walk out on you?”

“I was 10.” Spencer answers. “When was the last time your mom said she was proud of you?”

“Oh, we're going that far, I see,” she laughed, hurt just a little that he dug that deep, “what happened to yours recently?”

“Alzheimer’s.”

“I’m really sorry, I knew about the schizophrenia already because of the fisher king case, that one is the one that still has my dad all fucked up,” she can’t help but rant as she apologizes, placing her hands on his in the centre of the table and he interlocks their fingers like they’ve known each other for years.

“Boston?” He asks her, changing the topic back to getting to know each other without letting go of her hands.

She nods, “Vegas?”

“You knew that already,” he catches her.

“Maybe so,” she blushes at the embarrassment of him picking up on her crush.

“How’d he describe me at chess?” There’s a cockiness behind it that she admires, smiling in response she just shakes her head.

“I don’t play chess, but he says that other than Agent Prentiss, you’re the only person who has come close to beating him.”

“Prentiss?” He looks almost offended at the fact he didn’t know that story.

“You were asleep on the jet, it was right after the trip to Azkaban,” she reminds him.

“Azkaban?” He repeats. “You mean Guantanamo?”

She’s only slightly embarrassed by the slip-up, blushing a deep red as she presses her lips together and squeezes his hand. “My mom calls it Azkaban, she hates it. If it wasn’t for the BAU, she would have never joined the bureau or the government in any way, she’s against the criminal justice system too, so…”

“She’s a woman of science and empathy, I’ve never met her, but I’ve read all her work.”

“So have I,” she’s full of butterflies for some reason as she thinks about him knowing everything that she does, she’s suddenly excited at the prospect of future conversations with him like this isn’t a one-time thing.

He’s still holding her hands over the map, both of them leaning in slightly as they kept talking, it felt overly intimate for a discussion of a case— and they haven’t even started yet.

She takes her hands out of his grip and flattens them over the map, “so I found a pattern, I was asked to look into the rape and murder of a friends sister, and now I’ve found 32 matching cases all over America going in alphabetical order by state, 2 a year since 2005.”

“Are you serious?”

She nods softly, “I’m a private investigator. I hated the academy and simply being in the BAU almost killed both of my parents so I’m not really fond of it, but I need help.”

“How did VICAP not pick this up?” Spencer’s still caught up on the fact this has been happening during his entire career and he had no way of helping. It was very clear by the look on his face.

“Because they’re college-age women getting raped in their dorms, 1 in each state, and men don’t care enough to dig a little deeper when it’s just a little girl who was probably asking for it anyway, right?”

He looks furious, but with her… not at her.

Not like most men, that’s actually exactly what any other guy would have said to her. ‘Not most men,’ they only said that if they were offended; when they knew that they were the exact type of man she was referring to.

He started opening case files then, flipping through everything as she watched carefully, “he always does it the exact same way. It’s every March and November between the 6th and 12th, he’s gotten to the O’s, which means the next hit should be in Oklahoma in exactly 2 months' time.”

“Has there been evidence?” Spencer asks, avoiding eye contact as he both listens and absorbs.

“1 footprint and some random fingerprints at the first few, other than that it’s like he was never there,” she sighs. “This is where I need your help; I’m unsure if he’s attacking randomly or if it’s planned ahead of time, so I brought the map to see if you can make any connection.”

“Alright,” he closes the folder and hands them to her so he can get a better look at everything. “I’m going to need the exact address of each one.”

“I have 32 mini maps,” she says, opening her book bag and handing him yet another folder.

“I’ve noticed they’re in every capital, and it’s always on the east side of the city,” she adds as he spreads them out on the table.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and turns on the flash, turning it face down and holding the sheets of paper over it, “If you look at them over each other, there might be a pattern. We should call my friend Penelope, she’ll be able to digitally do this and find something.”

“Okay,” Peggy nods along, “I really need to know within the week because I’m moving to Oklahoma.”

“What?” He looks overly worried.

“He’s interested in college-age brunettes,” she points at herself. “I’m going to rent an apartment with a sliding door in the kill zone, and I’m going to wait it out. I’ll make sure everyone knows I live alone, I won't make friends, I’ll keep the windows open when I go to the store, I’ll make myself a victim.”

“No, we can get the bureau to send in a team, you don’t need to be in harm's way,” he protests, “I won’t help if I know you’re throwing yourself in the middle of all this. I refuse.”

There’s an underlying panic that she doesn’t quite understand. He’s almost shaking as he thinks about her playing the victim, they stare back and forth at each other softly, eyes flickering over the other’s expression as he also reads her.

“Fine,” she agrees, finally. “But if you’re getting the team involved, I want to be able to have some say in the investigation. I don’t want to be kicked out for just being a PI.”

“On one condition,” Spencer smirks. “You have to teach the BTK seminar with me.”

“Deal,” she smiled. “But I have some conditions too.”

“Anything?”

He was going to regret that.

“We can’t sleep together until we catch the guy— don’t look at me like that!” she catches the way his jaw drops and his eyes glisten.

He’s in complete shock, trying to say words and failing miserably as she stares at him knowingly. “I only said that because I need rules for myself too. We can’t care more about each other than the victims. Solve the case with me and then I’ll have a crush on you, okay?”

“Okay,” he finally finds the words to agree. “Was it that obvious?”

“We held hands for 5 minutes, I’ve thought you were cute since you were 23 and that seminar was a; 'my horse is bigger than your horse' flirting match,” she calls it all out, “I’m just as into you as you are into me already, if not more so because I know way too much about you thanks to my dad and uncle Rossi.”

“Dave knew about you too?” He’s more upset than she expected.

She nods, “yeah, so that I’d be taken care of if anything happened to my dad.”

He is a little upset and she can’t figure out why from what she knows already, “why?”

“You’re so interesting, you and I could have been friends for the last 15 years and things could have been so interesting but you were a secret,” he whispers.

“I was right wasn’t I?”

He nods again, “Gideon doesn’t know about Maeve, but I had a girlfriend who died in front of me before I could tell her I loved her and it broke me.”

Everything makes sense now. The stares, the stuttering, the defensiveness at the idea of her being in harm's way after only knowing her for a few hours. He was desperately looking for someone like himself to prove that he wasn’t going to be alone forever, and he wanted that to be found in her.

“Solve the case with me, then you can learn what it’s like to love someone who loves you back.”

taglist:

@g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @ssavanessa22 @spookyspence @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria@reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor @blanchardsbk

[stephspurs]

A Family Affair | Euro 2020 Football Fanfiction - BONUS MOMENTS

Surprise!!! I'm back with a select few bonus #bamelia moments!! I just couldn't let the love story of Ben and Amelia die, I hope you don't mind. Love Always, Steph xx

PSA: To all new readers, you don't have to read the series (link below) to understand this, however it would help so that you can understand the preconceived emotions behind the chapter!

Champions Again | di nuovo campioni

warnings; none word count; 1865 writing tools; third person until dashed line, first person thereafter. link to fic masterlist here

They had done it, again. The Chelsea boys were lifting their second team trophy for the year, they had just won the Supercup. This was Amelia’s first competition final with the Premier League giants and if she had her way, this wouldn't be last. She was beginning to get addicted to the feeling of winning, of proving to every little girl out there and every sexist male she had ever come across, that anything boys can do, girls can do better. She was letting her results speak for themselves, she was making history and there was nothing that could bring her down from the ninth cloud she was currently riding.

As proud as she was over her own achievements, she was equally as proud of her friends. Whilst she wasn’t part of their Champions League victory, she knew that this moment was just as special to the team that just loved to win. The scenes before her were ones she hoped she would never forget - the look on Jorgi’s face as he lifted his third trophy of the last few months, the crinkles beside Mason’s eyes as he grinned at the camera that was desperate to capture every moment of the evening, the tinge of pink on the apples of Ben’s cheeks as he stood with his hands on his hips while he watched Amelia give her first post-match tactical analysis to the Sky Sports reporter - proud that she was his girl. These were the moments that made Amelia forget all of the hard times, or rather made her realise that all of the hard times were worth it to see her friends, her team, her man smile.

With every great victory comes an even greater after party, and even though the Super Cup final coincided with the start of the season, the boys still believed that they deserved an afterparty to celebrate. Captain Cesar Azpilicueta had kindly offered the grounds of his Surrey home to host the bunch of rowdy boys, and their onslaught on mates and partners on the Sunday afternoon between the Super Cup final and the first match of the Premier League 21/22 season. Whilst they were under strict instruction from the higher powers of Chelsea Football Club (namely; Thomas Tuchel) to keep the drinking to a minimum and to keep themselves out of trouble, the boys were allowed to be boys for one more night.

______________________________________________________________

“Benj, what are you wearing? I don’t know if I should wear a sundress or denim shorts! Please, I need help!” I shouted out to Ben who was currently somewhere in his large house.

“Why would my outfit be able to help you with that decision” I could hear his voice getting closer, his footsteps getting louder as he began to ascend the stairs up to the main bedroom that I had slowly started to take over in the last couple months.

“An opinion is all I’m after - stop being cheeky mate” I shoot back at him as I begin to stand up from my place in front of his wardrobe. It was still his wardrobe, he hadn’t asked me to move in yet so it was still technically his even if it was half full with my clothes. As I got to my feet, I turned to see him leaning in the doorway with his arms and ankles crossed over each other. Wearing a tee shirt and some denim shorts himself with a cap covering his ungelled hair - a request from me because it was much easier for me to run my hands through if it wasn’t laden with gel...and because it gave me an excuse to push it out of his face whenever I felt like it (which was often).

“I wouldn’t mind if you stayed in that outfit to be fair, however, that would also mean we would be skipping this afterparty altogether and be spending the afternoon celebrating in an entirely different manner” He states staring at me while I’m currently standing with my hands on my hips, staring at the shorts and tank top combo I have laid out on his bed - again, his bed not ours - he hasn’t asked me to move in yet so it was technically his even if it did have the new bed sheets I purchased a couple weeks back with the matching throw cushions on it. The barely-there outfit that I was currently sporting and that had him licking his lips as he pushed himself off of the doorway to walk to me and wrap his arms around my body from behind was a bralette and a pair of his Chelsea shorts.

“Ok sorted, you’re in denim shorts so I’m going to wear mine too. Done ok move get off me I need to change or we’re going to be late” I exclaimed as I pushed him off me with my hips. A bad move? Absolutely not. I got to feel all of him against me and remind him of what he gets to come home to every evening, if he choses.

“Wow what's the rush now Mils? Why are you walking around like you’ve got ants in your pants?” He questioned as he tightened his grip on me and turned me so I was facing him, looking up into his curious baby blues.

“And don’t say nothing, I’ve picked up on all of your tells already” He further questioned as he could see the wheels begin to turn behind my eyes, desperate to come up with an excuse to mask my jitters so I wouldn’t have to tell him the truth.

“I regret ever letting you become friends with Fede, he’s spilling all of my secrets...Ok fine. I’m nervous to see Jack. I haven’t seen him since...ya’know and I haven't spoken to him since I gave him a telling off before international break and Ben I promise you I haven't thought about him once but I’m still worried that there's unresolved anger there from him and I don’t want to get into it again just when we’re getting back into the groove of us and it’ll impact your friendsh-” my rambling was cut off by his lips, which were simultaneously reminding me to breathe between my words and leaving me breathless at the same time. He always did have a way with his lips, the power they held over me was unmatched by anything.

“Calm down love, I promise it’ll be okay. Jack and I have had it out already, a long chat on international duties which may have only been prompted because Mase and Dec locked us in the kit room after our first session, sorted it all out.” Ben reassured me as he began to rub his thumbs over my cheeks and his hands held both sides of my face.

“I do know he wants to apologise to you though - so don’t be surprised if he tries to do that early on in the evening. You know just how awkward he can be so he’ll probably spring it on you before you’ve even put your bag down.”

“Oh great, I’m gonna need to do a couple shots before we leave the house - you’re good to drive right?” I said as I walked from his grasp and down the stairs to grab the bottle of vodka for some good old fashioned dutch courage.

______________________________________________________________

Ben was right about Jack, he had approached the couple only moments after they had arrived at Azpi’s house. Amelia had spotted him making his way towards them so she began to walk in a different direction to Ben, stretching their interlocked hands and letting him go as she mumbled something about needing to put her bag down. Ben really knew both of them too well. Jack gave Ben a hug hello, still in the grovelling stage of repairing their friendship.

“Hey bro, how’s it goin?” Jack spoke as he pulled away from Ben.

“Yeah bro all’s good with me, how are you? Congrats on the move again, million dollar geez you are, aren’t ya? Don’t forget me when you're mingling with Messi in a couple years” Ben joked back with the boy who has been literally a brother to him for the last few years.

“Ahhh you’re jokin me, could never forget a brother could I? We’re basically blood at this point I reckon. Where’d Mils run off ta?” Jack questioned with his arm around Ben’s neck, both of the boys looking out into the garden for the girl in question.

“Right here super Jack” Amelia spoke from behind them. During their brief discussion, Amelia had put her bag down and ran inside to grab herself a drink before walking out to face the music of Jack’s apology. Overhearing how lighthearted he was with Ben, coupled with the reassurance that Ben had provided her earlier in the evening plus the two or three vodka shots she had downed in their kitchen before coming to the afterparty had meant that she left her worries at the door.

“Mils, darlin', you already know what's coming but I truly am sorry...to both of ya ya’know. Benny, we’ve already had it out and it took me ages to get over that black eye but please believe me when I tell ya I am so sorry for treating you that way Amelia. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry and I regret nothing more than how I made you feel.” Jack could feel himself getting teary whilst thinking about how he made the girl feel, how he made his best mate and chosen brother feel, how he really put a spanner in the works of their blossoming relationship.

“Jack, I’m not going to say it was ok because it wasn't. But it wasn’t just your fault, I also played a part in it that has me cursing myself every day for ruining things with Benj. I forgive you, Jacky.” Amelia spoke while reaching up and wrapping her arms around Jack’s neck to give him one of her signature squeezy hugs, to truly convey that she was moving on from their tumultuous past and hoped that he could stop beating himself up over it and do the same.

Jack had left the couple to return to the table and grab himself a refill of his drink. Ben’s arm had found its natural position around Amelia’s shoulders as they both stood there looking out at their friends. However, Ben was looking down at Amelia. Without missing a beat and keeping her eyes focused out on the yard, Amelia spoke only loud enough for Ben to hear.

“So, you gave Jack a black eye over me huh? That’s hot”

Amelia took a few steps forward before turning to look at the expression on Ben’s face as she continued to walk away from him, backwards. The slight shock turned into a full on smirk as he walked towards her eager to close the gap between them with a kiss. He knew she loved him with her whole heart, but he hoped that she would understand just how much he loved her right back.

The Proposal | la proposta

[mashymilkiesinc]

Here’s a mess of items I am unearthing from the three seasons I directed on Duckman.  They are presented in no particular order.  And there will be more dumps in the future   (”Future Dumps” should be the name of my memoirs).

Some items of note:

2nd down from top:  A sample month of the post-production schedule for Duckman, or for any other animated TV series (then done on film). Each number (17, 18, etc.) represents an individual episode.  Each episode would arrive from the Korean animation studio as a “1-light” print (meaning is wasn’t color timed yet, just printed at one exposure.  The director would call his retakes from the 1-light and then sit with the film editor at a flat-bed editing console and edit the show by hand.  This was painfully time-consuming, especially if the note was something like speeding up animation from “twos” to “on ones”  which meant the editor had to hand-cut every other frame out and tape splice the remaining frames back together.  Film retakes would slowly trickle in from the Korean studio and edited in over time.  Once all the retakes and notes were addressed the film would be declared “LOCKED” (and you didn’t dare make changes afterwards or you’d screw up all the following processes).  Subsequently, a myriad of steps could proceed at once, activating a legion of technicians. 

The negative was cut and put through TELECINE (transferring it to video) and then ON-LINE (color correction, effects and credits added to build the final video product (all pre-digital, mind you).  These are processes that are nearly extinct now, due to digital media. 

Meanwhile, FOLEY (recording footsteps and such), sound effects (culled from the amassed libraries of post sound facilities ) and dialog tracks  are cleaned up in preparation for the mix.   Music cues were spotted with the composers and they went off to compose and record music (We also briefly had carte-blanche from the Zappa family to use “needle-drops” from any Frank Zappa tune we desired, because he was such a fan of Klasky-Csupo). 

Once all the audio elements were ready, we did a final mix which would last 4 DAYS FOR ONLY A 21 MINUTE SHOW!  That was a tense time when the Executive Producers would lay down the law on any of my fancy plans and wishes, damn them!  Finally all elements were reunited in the LAYBACK (the mating of final picture and final mix) onto videotape and sent to the network (in this case, USA); again, a pre-digital dinosaur process. 

Sometimes we delivered the layback to the network same day; hours away from airtime.

4rd down from top:  A full page color ad in Rolling Stone, April 6, 1995.

5th down from top:  A friend working on The Sacramento Bee sent me TV guide listing that renames the show in an inciteful way, March 26-April 1, 1995.

6th down from top:  A storyboard sketch for an unknown Duckman episode.  I think the artist is Director, Paul Demeyer.  But I’m not sure.

7th, 8th & 9th down from top: Items saved from my first Emmy Nomination for my Duckman Episode “TV or Not To Be.”  This was an eye-opening experience for me in more ways then one.  Animation does not get to be part of the actual, Prime-Time Emmys ceremony.  Those took place upstairs in the palatial theater of the Pasadena Civic on a different day.  Ours is a separate  “Technical Arts Emmys” ceremony carried on downstairs in the basement (I’m not kidding).  Duckman lost to a one-off PBS special called “The Roman City” that only had a few talky, static animated segments in an otherwise live-action documentary;  technically not even eligible for the category it won in.  My takeaway was that the winner, Bob Kurtz, a decent and talented animation veteran, was being honored for his career; a hidden calculus that determines the winner, rather than the actual nominated shows in competition.  So goes my education in show-business politics. 

Also included is a crib sheet one of the Executive Producers, Ron Osborn had ready just in case we won.  I think he started to tear it up and I took it from him.  Little did I know in 1994 that I could post it online in 2021!

Bottom image:  Something I drew, I assume for one of my shows, but it is very typical of the subversive imagery I loved to indulge in back then.

[a-simp-20]

◆Babysitter's◆

[AIB Cast Masterlist]

Characters: Nijiro Murakami,Dori Sakurada,Kento Yamazaki,Jun Murakami,Ua (briefly,she will only be mentioned in the back story)

Summary: Dori and Kento were told by Jun Murakami to take car of his son,Nijiro Murakami

Warning!: mentions of divorce and fighting

Genre: Angst,Comfort,Fluff

Word count: 3.5K

Tag's: @maliceinborderland hope you like it!!

Information: italics + bold means flahsback

Disclaimer: this is just a fan fic so don't take it too seriously

This is the second Fic for the AIB cast,so feel free to Request or comment on who should I write a Fic about next please :D.

It is a normal day in Tokyo. Sun shining through Nijiro's window,right now he's staying at his Dad's house just to help take care of his dad even though his dad could take care of himself. It has been years since he saw his mom and he barely interacts with his other siblings that were not from his family side and basically was from his step dad's side. He had 4 other siblings that were younger then him,but he could only see them if his mom would come visit him with her other husband which Nijiro hated. He never hated his new siblings that much though,they knew that he was struggling and that it was their mother's fault that he became so unsociable when he was just a teenager. Ever since that day when his parents divorced it broke him,he had chosen to go with his dad because his dad,Jun Murakami did nothing to his mother Ua,he didn't hurt her,he didn't do anything to start the fight. Every thing was perfect until that day had come into his life.

Nijiro only sat there on the stairs,the palm of his hand's covering his ears tightly,tear's fell down from his face as he cried silently listening to his parents fight down stairs was all he could do. Nijiro had woken up from his sleep when he heard the door of the house opening and closing,his Dad told Nijiro that his mother was still at work and will be home late today,Nijiro understood and just went up stairs to go to bed. And when he woke up from his sleep cheerfully and excited to see his mother,he only heard shout of anger and sadness. Which brought into the present where he just sits there shakily,fear,sadness and anger building up in his 8 year old mind of his "What about our son!?,what if his future will be a whole damn dampness all because of you" Jun shouted,his hand in his hair as he Paced around the room angrily "Why are YOU bringing YOUR son into this s**t!?,Besides he doesn't mean anything to me!" Ua responded back,Nijiro heard that clearly and his heart started to shattee in him "m-mommy doesn't like me...anymore.." He said quietly wiping his tears away for a bit as he continues to cry silently on the stairs. He didn't know what to do,he wanted to stop the shout and swearing words that came out of their mouths..but he couldn't do that. Besides,he was just a mere child,no one will listen to him in this situation even his own parents.

He decided to get up and went back into his room to sleep. He got in his room,closing the door quietly as he climbs into his bed,covering his body with the thick sheets of it as he slowly fall's asleep.

How many weeks later, Nijiro came back from school. His dad said that he couldn't pick him up from school today and said to just meet him at their house. He opens the door to see his mom and dad sitting on the couch separately from each other "Watashi wa ie ni imasu otōsan, okāsan (I'm home dad, mom)" He said stuttering as he took of his shoes "Nijiro..we have something to say to you" His dad said with a low voice,Nijiro nods as he sit's on the couch beside his dad "Who do you want to go with?" His mom suddenly said "U-Ua..he needs some talking,he doesn't know the situation y-" "I-i know.." Nijiro suddenly spoke,tears almost falling down his face "Ah!- so,you heard..?" His dad said,looking down at him with worry in his eyes.

Nijiro nods slowly as he looked down to his tiny feet "Well...since you already know,we're so sorry that you heard-" "Yes..i know" Nijiro cuts him off again "Then that means I guess it's time for daddy and mommy to....hm,Separate.." Nijiro's head goes up to look at his dad in the eyes "It's about time you told him. Now,who do you want to go with" Ua said,crossing her arms while looking at the two "I- I DON'T KNOW!, W-W-WHY SEPARATE!?" He shouted as tears fall down his face "N-nijiro son..i know it's hard but you have to choose-" "WHY CHOOSE!?,I-I DON'T WANT US TO BE LIKE THIS!" he shouted again,Ua getting annoyed at his behavior "Just pick!,it's not that hard" "Ua!,he's a child we need to take it easy on him" Jun said to her as he hugged Nijiro into his chest "Nijiro,I'm going to say it again...who do you choose between me and mommy,I know it's hard..b-but you have to do it" Jun said,holding him tightly in his arms "T-then...i'm choosing you,daddy"

[6 YEARS LATER]

(Year/date: ??/??/2012)

(Location: ??? Studio)

It has been 6 years ever since he chose his dad's side, they both moved into somewhere else in Tokyo where schools were even closer to their house. Nijiro right now is currently 14 in age and in middle school,he styled his hair so that his bangs would go to the front of his head,kind of a weird style..but his dad recommended the hair style so he didn't mind. He loved his dad so much,his dad raised him ever since that day. Jun is now a single father to one son that he has,he loves Nijiro and he just want's to make him happy. For the past few years Nijiro has been down lately,Jun felt bad that he would stay at work the most because he's an actor and of course the media knows the situation between him and his Ex-wife Ua.He founds out that Ua got married again in 2008 with a guy named Bishū Hasegawa, a non celebrity dude.

He didn't cared though,he only cares for his son and his son only. He still kept their old pictures together as a family on his phone though, he didn't want to loose the precious memories that Nijiro had as a child. Back to Nijiro, he is currently inside a room that had bean bags and other stuff, he didn't know why he was here and how does his dad know this place. Currently he is waiting for his dad to come in the room after talking to  a friend that he met the other day he says, good thing it was school break so that Nijiro didn't have to worry about school,he only worries about the stack of homework he has in his room. He sighs as he sits on one of the bean bags in the room,waiting for his dad to finish the conversation between him and his friend.

After a few minutes of waiting,the door's of the room slams wide open to reveal his dad and another guy that was taller then his dad. He had shaggy long straight like hair that was black,and the under side of his hair a yellowish gold. He wore a black jacket with his sleeves pulled up so it stops at his elbow,the zipper of his jacket goes down a bit to just show his collar bone, he had a galaxy like bracelet and some grey and white leggings,and the last part he had bright blue shoes that were a bit big. The man stood behind Jun as as Nijiro stand up "Nijiro you might be wondering who this young ng man is" Jun said smiling softly,Nijiro just tilted his head to the side,confused "You may introduce yourself" Jun said as he moves aside for the man to stand at full few for Nijiro to see "Hello there,my name is Sakurada Dori. But you can call me Dori or onii Chan (big brother) if you like" Dori said,as he biwed a bit at Nijiro "I'm 21 years old,I'm a big fan your dad as you can see. We met yesterday at a park,he mentioned that you were lonely..so I decided to become your babysitter-" "Wait,you want this oldhag..to take care of me?" Nijiro said,looking at his dad in disbelief "Yes!, of course i am,plus he's 21 he is not that old. I just can't bare to see you,my son so lonely and down. So I thought that Dori here could keep you company for today until I'm done with my work. I'll pick you up after that" Jun said smiling at Nijiro softly "Fine,but if this dude is boring I'm done" "Boring?,who says I'm boring. I literally am a master of Uno when it comes to playing it with my friends" Dori said crossing his arms while looking down at the 14 year old in front of him "heh,try me" Nijiro said,crossing his arms too while looking up at him "I see you boys will get along greatly!,well I got to go to work now,please take care of him okay Dori?" "Yes Mr.Murakami,I will do my best!" Dori said bowing at him "No need to bow!,and call me Jun. Nijiro you behave okay?" Jun said as walked out of the room "Okay dad!" Nijiro shouted through the halls.

And that's the day where Nijiro felt happy again,Dori taught him many things in life. He really likes Dori and ends up calling him his own big brother that day. Dori taught him how to have fun,he even introduced him to Fanta,his dachshund.

That one faithful day,he will never forget..

.

.

.

.

"Nijiro?,Nijiro!" Nijiro opened his eyes carefully observing where he was,as he looked at his dad that was on the drivers seat,he realized that he wasn't in his old room anymore. He thought that his dad must've carried him from inside the house all the way inside the car,now he felt bad "Don't worry about me carrying you,besides you're shorter than me,and way more lighter to carry" His dad said smiling at him, "You know you should've woken me up at the house dad" He grumbled tiredly as he rubbed his right eye, looking from the passenger's seat window to be met front faced with his house. He realized that the skies were already a softer darker shade of blue,meaning that it was going to be night time "Well,I can't bare to wake up my son. He'll get grumpy!" His dad said chickling while boiling his nose "Daaad~!, stop!" Nijiro said as he pouted At him,Jun just laughed at his expression remembering the old days whenever he woke him up for him to go to school he would pout and whine..no Nijiro isn't a brat,he's just not a morning person that's all.

Nijiro got out of the car,saying  goodbye and thank you to his dad as his dad drove off into the night.

He sighed as he got in his house,turning on the Air conditioner in his living room as he got into the bathroom to take a warm shower, he stripped off his clothes and turns on the shower,he got inside as the warm water hits his skin. After how many minutes in the shower,he got out and wrapped the white towel around his waist, getting out of the bathroom into his room as he got dressed in his night wear. Tomorrow he's going to shoot as Chishiya again,and he knew he had to go to the studio early in the morning,so he got down stairs to have dinner. After dinner he washed his plate and turned off the air conditioner in the living room, going up stairs to go to sleep.

[THE NEXT DAY]

(Year/date: ??/12/2020)

(Location: ??? Studio)

"Okay we're here!" His dad said smiling at Nijiro "Dad,explain again on why do you want to go to work with me??" Nijiro looked at his dad with a confused look "You'll see" His dad said,grinning widely at him as he got out of the car,Nijiro did the same as they both walked to the entrance of the studio. They both got in the main studio to be met with lightening's,cameras and other stuff for the filming. Nijiro went inside one of the dressing rooms to get dressed in his Chishiya costume,his dad following him "Ah! There is our Cheshire!,and oh? I see that you brought the famous one and only Jun with you!" The director said,Shinsuke Sato who looked behind Nijiro to greet his dad with a wide smile "Yes! And you must be the most talented director Shinsuke huh?" His dad said,laughing together with Shinsuke "Dad,don't embarrass me" Nijiro mummbled quietly "Non need to be Nijiro! Me and Shinsuke here are good friends!" His dad exclaims as Nijiro was requested to sit on a black chair so that they could apply his make up and Chishiya wig on.

Meanwhile in the brake room, there were two boy's playing Uno before the filming starts. Both of them already in their characters clothes,and they were both ready for the set. Dori in his Niragi costume holding 2 Uno cards on his hand smirking at the other boy Kento that is in his Arisu costume that has 4 cards in his hands,sending Dori a glare that say's 'you better not have two lucky cards in your hand's or you're dead', Dori just laughed at his glare as Kento put's down a red stop sign card "Hah!,I stopped you! It's my turn again!" Kento said as he put's down the black colour changing card "You may Kento" Dori said smirking at him, kento frowns and thinks on what colour should he pick. He thought on what Arisu would do in this situation "Ah!,I choose the colour....Yellow!" Kento said happily...not longer after that Dori put's down both of his cards,showing two yellow card on the table "Uno game!" He shouted happily "Aww c'mon!, I had plenty of yellow cards! See!?" Kento said showing his cards to Dori.

Dori just chuckled "Well I guess it's my lucky day..Ryohei Arisu" He said smirking,looking at Kento "I'll beat you someday...Suguru Niragi" Kento said,looking at Dori with a serious look until both of them burst out laughing. The two were best friends ever since 2013,they didn't know that their friendship would last for 7 years by now. They stopped laughing when the door of the break room opens revealing a Nijiro that is now in his Chishiya costume and Jun right behind him "Ah,Dori. It has been a long time I haven't seen you" Jun said,smiling at him, Dori walking towards him and giving the much older man a friendly hug "Yes! It's been like..i don't know..8 years?? Since we haven't seen each other?" Dori said smiling "hmm...guess so!" Both of them laughed,Kento walking towards them and bowing at Jun "It is a pleasure to meet you Mr.Murakami" Kento said "Ah,and you must be Kento Yamazaki hm? I've heard you from Dori" Jun replies "Oh,I didn't know he told you about me,but still what brings you here?" Kento asked him "Yeah dad,why are you at work with me?" Nijiro asked,looking at his dad.

"Well..i want you two,Kento and Dori..to take care of my son here" Jun said,looking at both men that is in front of him and his son "I see that I have to be your babysitter again huh Jiji?~" Dori said booping Nijiro's nose"No touching!" Nijiro hissed and rubbed his nose "Aww c'mon you're such a cute wittle baby Jiji~" Kento said,squeezing his left cheek "I said no touching!" Nijiro said as he crossed his arms against his chest "I see the three of you are getting along quite nicely,well got to go now,Nijiro behave" Jun said,walking out the door. Leaving the three boys alone in the room. "So..where should we start?" Kento asked "Maybe the both of you should start by leaving me be. I'm fine okay? I'm almost 24 so f#*k off!" Nijiro hissed as he grabbed his phone from his pocket and sat on one of the chairs of the brake room while playing PUBG on his phone "Jeez...how did you take care of him when he was 14?" Kento asked Dori "Well easy,grab his game boy- well phone now and just let his steam off" Dori said,grabbing Nijiro's phone.

Nijiro looked up at him in disbelief with wide eyes, shocked that he took his phone "WHY THE F##K DID YOU DO THAT FOR!?" Nijiro shouted,Kento stumbled back, startled at Nijiro's sudden tone "You'll get brain damage if you keep staring at your phone non stop,let it rest for at least 1 hour. Now we need to shoot a series" Dori said with a glare and a serious tone,Nijiro shivered remembering ok what Dori did to him when he disobeyed his orders. That day,Nijiro didn't listen to what Dori told him resulting a hard pinch from Dori until right arm got a purple bruise on it "Okay fine!" Nijiro said,stuttering a bit. His dad didn't even mind that Dori pinched him,Cause Jun knows what's right for his son and what's not.

After that, they all started shooting.

After it ended Nijiro sat on one of the chairs and stared into space for awhile until he heard someone calling his name "Oi! Nijiro!,here's your phone. Sorry that I took it from you" Dori said smiling,ruffling Nijiro's Chishiya wig. Kenti doing the same as he smiled widely "You're lucky that you have a babysitter like me and him you know that Jiji?" Kento said grinning widely at him "Hm,thanks" Nijiro said,smiling a bit.

[HOW MANY MINUTES LATER]

"I'll buy you ice cream if you behave Jiji!" Kento said,Nijiro Stole Kento's Takoyaki and now Kento is angry "But these are so good" Nijiro said, chuckling while taking another bite of the Takoyaki "Nijiro..give them back" Dori said "okay okay! I was just playing around with you" He said,while apologizing to Kento. After that they both go back home to Nijiro's house.

"So wanna watch some Disney movies Jiji?" Kento asked"Y-yes.."Nijiro said shyly. Ever since when he was little,he had been a fan of Disney movies "Let's watch Frozen II then!" Doris said,grabbing some popcorn and sitting right next to Kento and Nijiro.

And that night,Nijiro would never forget on how he was getting babied by the both of them until his dad came to his house.

[Sorry for the bad ending- I have too many wips right now and I am tired cause I finished this at night,so I hope all of you enjoyed this ☺]

[schnitzelbutterfingers]

Baklava

Book/Pairing(s): The Royal Romance || Liam Rhys x F!MC (Jasmine Wilson) LAW STUDENT AU

Category/Warning(s): Teen || none

Word count: 2.7K

Premise: A different take on how Liam and Jasmine could have met. Liam and the gang search for baklava, and Jasmine is a law student and a talented baker, working in her mother’s bakery.

Author’s note: This is for the 200 FOLLOWER GIVEAWAY WINNER #2: @texaskitten30 . Congratulations! Hope you enjoy :)

New York City is known for its culture, fashion, Broadway musicals. Its approximately 8 million people.

Maxwell sighs. “C’mon, Liam. There are so many other desserts. Pie, cake, cupcakes, those drizzled thingies...”

He is right. The deserts here are magnificent. Every one of them is fireworks on someone’s tongue, the rich flavor evading the mouth.

Drake surprises him. “For once in my life, I’m going with Beaumont.”

But there is one thing New York City seems to not have.

“No,” Liam responds.

Baklava.

Maxwell open his mouth, but then closes it, flabbergasted. 

“Who are you, and what have you done to Prince Liam?”

The prince chuckles wryly, a sarcastic leer taking place. In a few months, he won’t be able to do this again. In a few months, he will marry a noble with no love in between. 

In a few months, his freedom will be over.

He has to make those few months worth it.

And he will.

By finding baklava.

However, Liam almost gives up. Every bakery they went to in New York City had everything, including Indian sweets, such as laddu, gulab jamun, jalebi.

But they weren’t selling anything from the Ottoman Empire. They weren’t selling baklava.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees a small building. A bakery. It has a small cupcake on the top of the name. 

The prince clears his throat.

“We’ll stop in this bakery. If they don’t have baklava either, then we can go buy cupcakes and go to a bar.”

Maxwell fist bumping the air and Drake sighing of relief, tells him they are both comfortable with his plan.

One more bakery.

That’s it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Slow Dough.

That’s the name of the bakery. Immensely creative.

The three men step out of their rented car, the sun’s rays showing off its magnificent light, creating shadows as they take each step towards the bakery.

They open the door, the jingling bells on it acknowledging their presence.

It looks beautiful. The inside of the store takes on a more pastel theme, the baby pink with white stripes adorning the walls. There are sky blue tables and chairs, adorned with a vase of pink roses on each table.

The front of the bakery has a glass counter-shelf, filled with delicacies. Cupcakes, cookies, chocolate, ice cream. You name it.

Maxwell seems to have that same idea because he says, “Maybe we can steal some cronuts and-”

“Maxwell!” Drake admonishes.

“Hello? What is the commotion here?”

A woman, probably in her fifties, with natural tanned skin, paces into the room from the silver doors ahead of the counter, which Liam assumes is the kitchen. Rather than taking a chiding tone, her voice is laced with concern.

Liam glares at his two friends, Maxwell sporting a nervous smile. Drake shakes his head at Maxwell’s antics.

What good friends he has.

“Apologies for the loud... conversation ma’am. We were searching for a dessert named baklava in New York City. We searched almost every bakery we could find, but left empty-handed. We were hoping we would find some here?”

The woman grimaces. “I’m so sorry, son, but we don’t sell baklava here.”

The prince sighs. 

He knew it. Of course he did.

After mentally calming himself, he sports a tender smile.

“No worries, ma’am. In that case, would you mind giving us three cupcakes? One vanilla and the other two chocolate, please?”

“Now that, I can give you.”

She smiles as she opens the counter, probably finding the best cupcakes she could find.

The woman is probably the most solicitous person she ever met during his bachelor party.

The men sit down on of the chairs, surprisingly more comfortable than Liam imagined. They fall into an agreeable silence, with Maxwell playing with one of the pink rose petals, and Drake glued to his phone.

And they are interrupted. By a soft voice.

A beautiful voice.

“Excuse me, sir, but... did you say baklava?”

He stands up immediately to turn towards the voice, addicted to the melody.

And hazel eyes meets blue.

The lady looks like an exact copy of the older woman, only more younger. More irresistible.

Striking.

Even with glasses on.

For some reason, his heart starts beating faster.

Silently scolding himself, he straightens up and nods his head affirmative.

“Yes, is there a reason why you ask?”

“I happen to know how to make baklava. Do you want me to make some for you?”

Shock rolls over him as he mulls over her words. An American tries to help him?

He glances back at Drake and Maxwell. In return, they give him an exact sense of a whammy blown on them. They are probably thinking the same thing, too.

Liam discerns the older woman slapping her hand on her forehead in an almost idiotic sense, walking to stand next to the younger woman.

Twins.

They are practically twins, if people count out the wrinkles.

“Apologies, son. She is my daughter. She knows how to make almost everything.”

Liam softly grins at the mother and turns to look at her daughter. 

A beauty.

As if she came from a painting.

Majestic.

As if reading his thoughts, she takes a glimpse of his face and smiles. He catches a glimpse of a faint blush creeping on her neck, even with the tanned skin.

Liam allows himself a quick smirk and hurriedly straightens his face to a more gentle expression.

“What’s your name?”

She clears her throat and looks at him straight in the eye. “Jasmine.”

Maxwell gives her a wide smile. “Nice name!”

Liam and Drake nod their heads in agreement, looking back at Jasmine. She grins from ear to ear.

Her smile is infectious.

And Liam just met this girl.

“I’ll get started. I can set up a mini cooking show for you guys. This might take over an hour though. So, are you sure?”

Before Liam can respond, Drake interrupts.

“We can wait. This dude, here, was acting like he was waiting for baklava his whole life. If he doesn’t get his hands on one, he’ll probably punch something.”

“Drake!”

Before he can give him a new one, he hears Jasmine’s laughter, music to his ears. He only knew her for about 10 minutes, and something makes him want to get closer to her.

He can see scars sprinkled on her chest.

She’s an air of mystery.

Mystery.

“I can most definitely understand that feeling. I’ll go gather the ingredients!”

She flees like a small human Sonic, and he infers for a second that she did track in school. 

Maybe she did.

Jasmine comes back with nuts, cinnamon, dough, butter, sugar, water, honey, vanilla extract, and a lemon. After buttering up a thick pan, she sprinkles in a bunch of nuts and cinnamon.

Just like those chefs gave him a show and made baklava for him back in Greece.

Maxwell starts speaking, most likely attempting to make small talk during the awkward silence.

“So... where are you originally from?”

She softly smiles.

“Queens, New York. We moved to the city when I was 10.”

“What made you move to the city?”

“Oh, well...”

Jasmine slightly hesitates.

“My father had passed away, and we had to do something for a living. So we started this bakery...”

A tense silence invades the bakery, Jasmine quickly swiping her eyes. Maxwell grimaces, and Drake takes over.

“We’re so sorry. We didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable...”

She shoots him a weak grin. “It’s okay. It still hurts, but we’re trying our best to move on.”

At this point, she places two sheets of dough into the pan, and butters it up. She then layers it with nuts and repeats the process. The prince makes a mental note to remember these steps the next time he attempts in making baklava.

He tried to make baklava once, but failed, even after searching the internet to find the recipe.

It had been proved to his friends how much of a bad cook he is.

Liam attempts successfully in changing the topic, in a way to console her.

“Are you a student or...”

“I am! Final year law student at Yale.”

His eyes widen. “Yale? That’s impressive.”

Her mother comes back from the kitchen. “Wait till you hear how she skipped five grades and will be graduating as a lawyer at the age of 21.”

The gang’s eyes widen.

Wow. 

They’re speaking to mini Albert Einstein.

“Mom!”  The law student covers her cheeks in an attempt to stop the light rose pink that’s flooding her face.

Maxwell smiles wickedly. “That's so COOL! Liam, here, is the same! He managed to even excel better than his tutors. One time, he was making fun of them because they got a calculus problem wrong, and he managed to solve it in less than five minutes! He skipped three grades, but always managed to make tutors mad and made them speak to his parents because of his smart mouth-”

“Maxwell!”

Drake chuckles.

“What? It’s the truth!”

She chortles again. That melodic laugh.

“It’s alright. I did that every time, too.”

Jasmine cuts the baklava into diamond shapes and puts them into the oven. She stretches her arms out, unsubtly displaying off her muscles.

Damn.

“Alright. This’ll take about 50 minutes.”

Comfortable silence flows through all of them, Liam enjoying the clock ticking surrounding the small building.

Drake cuts it off. “We forgot to tell you where we’re from. We live in-”

“Cordonia, I know.”

Liam's breath catches.

A part of him wants to berate himself for being so idiotic. For believing that maybe one person won’t know who he is. But he should have known.

He should have known.

Drake closes his mouth and opens it again, unable to say anything.

“Wait, so you know Liam is a prince?”

“Crown Prince, yeah.”

“Then, why didn’t you let us know and treat us like normal people?”

“Because I know.”

Turning to him, she says, “Liam, all you’ve ever wanted was freedom.”

His eyes widen. He feels like he’s being mind-read by a fortune teller. At that moment he should’ve felt uneasy, but all he wants to do is open more of himself to her.

And that petrifies him.

“How... how do you know?”

Jasmine’s expression turns stoic, indecipherable.

“Your eyes. They express everything. You feel like you’re being locked in a jail cell. I was once like you, you know so I know that look anywhere...”

Her eyes turn misty, but she quickly shakes her head.

“You do want to lead your people, but you want to be free in choosing someone at the same time. You want someone you’ll fall in love with.”

Her educated guess is mind-boggling. Straying his eyes back to his friends, they appear as if they’re seeing Liam in a new light. Shocked.

That they didn’t know anything about this, and they’ve known him for years.

Maxwell shakes his head. “Wait, but... if you knew who we were, why didn’t you address Liam as ‘your highness’? Don’t get me wrong, we liked how you didn’t...”

Jasmine snorts. “Because even through he has royalty flowing through his blood, he is a human, just like us. I don’t mean it to be offensive, I swear. While titles also show respect, they put more benefit for someone than for another ‘commoner’. And I don’t like that.”

Liam becomes curious. Jasmine is not one of those average girls who shrieks over a celebrity. She is one of a kind.

And that makes him want to know everything about her.

“Say if... you became a queen one day. How will you rule?”

The law student takes a deep breath before responding. She unconsciously touches her dark brown hair, and twirls a curl over her finger.

“I... I would never go by the rule book. While rules are good and all, sometimes... it would lead to injustice. As Princess Diana said in her interview with Martin Bashir, I would  want to become a queen of people’s hearts, not just for a country. I would be there to do good, not cause harm or difficulty over another citizen’s life. I’m not a violent person. Quite the opposite, actually. I would want to be treated as a typical person with a typical life. I would want to be treated as an everyday person. And... I would want everyone to reminisce me as a woman who did good works, not as a woman with a prestigious title.”

Everything is confirmed. Drake’s mouth opens and closes as he tries to respond to what Jasmine just said. Maxwell has a goofy grin on his face.

Liam, however, has a cheeky smile that one would actually say is of respect and admiration. He admires her.

Even as she now bites her lip, he wants nothing more press his lips to hers. 

And they’ve only known each other for about an hour.

The oven alarm lowers the mounting tension in the bakery. Jasmine jogs over to the oven and takes it. The delicious smell of baklava invades Liam’s nostrils, and he immediately wants to taste it. Looking at the pastry, the gorgeous crispy brown of the dough stands out, with green nuts garnished.

“Take caution! It’s really hot.”

Maxwell smirks slightly, already reaching for a baklava. “Oh, I don’t think it’s that- HOLY SQUIDS!”

The once smirking Maxwell now has a face of pain etched on his face, holding his right hand after it burned a little. Jasmine, seeing this, snorts.

“Told you so.”

Shaking his head, Liam -carefully- takes  a piece of baklava, blowing it slightly to soothe the heat. Once it is lowered to a considerable heat, he takes a bite out of it and-

My.

God.

It is scrumptious.

And it appears that Drake and Maxwell are thinking the same thing, their friends’ eyes filled with astonishment.

Jasmine bites her lip, most likely unaware of the action. God, if he could just-

“So, did you like it?”

Shaking off his dirty thoughts, he responds, “Like it? This is the best baklava I’ve ever tasted.”

Her wide eyes contain jouissance, Liam can tell.

“Thank you! Glad I didn’t mess it up!”

Jasmine blushes again, something Liam just knows is a rare sight for anyone.

Just then, her mother comes in, sauntering hurriedly up to them. Her eyes are tense and full of worry.

“So... how is the baklava?”

Liam smiles, hopefully soothing her mother with the action.

“I can reassure you, even the most famous chefs in Greece hadn’t made me this tasty baklava before in my life. It tastes like heaven, ma’am. Your daughter has talent.”

She sighs in relief. “Thank you, sons!”

Without hesitance, the mother kisses Jasmine on her cheek, and in return the daughter kisses her on her forehead. The act reminds him of his own mother, before she died.

“How much does this cost?” Drake interrupts.

“This? This is free.”

What?

Liam refuses. “Oh, that’s not possible, we have to give you something-”

Jasmine laughs. “I insist. First of all, this wasn’t even part of the menu, although we do need to add it to ours. Second, you deserve this. For the first time, other than my mother, I felt like someone else got me.”

The words make the prince look at her deeply into her eyes. Jasmine stares back, not one of them blinking. Finally, the law student breaks the contact.

Just then, Drake clears his throat. “I hate to interrupt but we have to leave. Is it alright if we take more of these?”

The mother smiles. “Sure, sweetie! Take as much as you need.”

As Maxwell and Drake grab more of the baklava, Liam goes up to Jasmine.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye,” he says, his tone with a hint of heartache.

She smiles wistfully. “Yeah.”

And they hesitate before hugging one another tightly. Liam closes his eyes, in what could be his last moments of freedom. He makes this time worth it. Jasmine reluctantly pulls back and clears her throat.

“But hey, something tells me we’ll see each other again soon,” she adds, with a hint of a smirk.

And just like that, Liam starts to have second thoughts.

Maybe New York City is not that awful.

Narrator: Jasmine was right in what she said. They will see each other again. And they marry, and they make babies-

Author’s note: First Liam x MC fic lol. I hope I did this some justice HAHA. Anyways, if you’ve made it this far, thank you! ♥️

Lmk if you want to be added or removed from the taglist! 🥰

Perma: @potionsprefect @gryffindordaughterofathena @maurine07 @missmiimiie @mom2000aggie @nezuzoned

Liam x MC: @kingliam2019 @jared2612

@choicesficwriterscreations

[lalahbug]

Only One Night? Levi x Chubby!Reader

Fandom: Attack on Titan Word Count: 2,218

My Masterlist

Warnings/disclaim: general Modern AU! Talks about sex, but no actual smut

Author’s Note: continued under story Originally posted on DeviantArt, under the same username, on 10/26/2016. Revamped/edited in 2020.

___ is a blank for your name/oc/whatever you prefer Written in 3rd person

Line/header is to separate paragraphs to indicate time skips, as Tumblr hates my formatting.

Story under cut

         ___ slowly got out of the stranger's bed, checking the time on her phone, it was almost the time she had to be home. She cursed quietly before wandering the room, gathering her clothes and putting them on. Being as silent as possible, careful to not wake the stranger from his bed. She saw a notebook on his nightstand, she leaned over and wrote a quick note which read; ‘Last night was amazing, thank you for being gentle. It was my first time. I hope you have a wonderful life!’ She smiled to herself and grabbed her purse.          She opened his door, locking the handle, so he’d be safe. Then she walked out of his apartment, put her heels back on, then quickly walked to her car. In a hurry to get home before her dad got pissed off at her.

         Levi woke up with pain in his eyes from lack of sleep. He glanced over at his clock, 3:18 AM. The notebook on his nightstand grabbed his attention, seeing something written on it, he grabbed it. He furrowed his brow before glancing over at the other side of his bed. He honestly didn’t expect her to leave. He wanted her to stay, he didn’t even get her phone number or her last name. He groaned a bit.           ‘What the fuck does she mean, first time? Was she a virgin or was it her first one night stand.’ He thought to himself for a moment. He decided to change his sheets since he was up now. He spotted a bit of blood. ‘Okay, so she was a virgin. Then why did she want to lose it to a stranger and only do a one night stand? She had to be at least 21 because she got a drink from the bar.’ He tried to replay last night in his mind.

          ___ was in a simple black dress, drinking at the bar. Ignoring everyone and everything, obviously, she was there to just drink and didn’t have any intention of getting laid. That’s what caught Levi’s eye. She was beautiful, some might think she’s chubby. But to him, she was just very curvy, which wasn’t too common in this night club. Levi had gone up to her, saying hello. At first, she ignored him.          “Oi, brat. You can at least say hello back.” Levi glared at her, she glanced over at him. Before she looked to her side and behind her.          “Are you talking to me?”          “No. I was talking to your drink.” She giggled, she had a really cute smile. “So what are you doing here?” Levi took the stool next to her, to sit on it.          “Oh, I just had a really bad day, so I decided to try and make myself somewhat pretty and to go drinking. I brought a few friends, but they’ve all left with some guys.”          “Why didn’t you go with them?”          She gave him a dry chuckle. “I wasn’t invited.”          “Then why were your friends?”          “Because they’re pretty and lean. And I’m ugly and fat.” Levi wanted to lecture at her for thinking that, but the way she said it. It didn’t seem like they were her words, but words she’s heard a lot.          “Who thinks that?”          “My family, some guys, and almost every guy here.” She downed her drink.          “Your family says that to you?”          “Well, my dad. He wants to marry me off to a wealthy man, who is willing to deal with me. So far, every suitor agrees with him. That I’m not attractive and I don’t have an ideal body.”          “Your dad and those guys must have shit stuck in their eyes.” She giggled at his joke again. “Because you’re really beautiful.” He saw her face flush before she looked away. “Hey, how about we go talk somewhere else? I don’t want to be around these idiots anymore.”          She gave him a small smile. "Okay.” He took her hand and guided her out of the club. They went to a restaurant to chat and then they were at his place.

         Levi smirked thinking about last night while getting dressed for work. But then got annoyed because she fucking just left him alone. He groaned before grabbing what he needed and left.

         ___ was lectured once she got home at 2:30 AM because she was 30 minutes late home. Once again, her father told her that she had to stay pure, since she’s so unattractive, being pure is the only bargain chip left. ___ felt her heart almost break, realizing that she would have to tell him soon, that she is no longer a virgin. She quickly went down to her room, to the basement, where she lived. She was going to school, so she wanted to stay with her parents until she got her degree which her parents wanted her to finish. Since they both believed, she’d never get married so she’d have to support herself.          She was on a small break in between semesters, with no homework to do to distract herself. She decided to make herself happy by cleaning. She loved to cook and clean, usually only doing the downstairs, so today she would clean the whole house. Once her parents were gone, of course, dad at work, mom out with the girls.

         “Ackerman.” Levi stopped in his tracks and looked over to his boss, Mr. Lowells.          “Yes, sir?”          “We just landed a new campaign, I need someone to lead it. You will have to do a lot of paperwork with me for the next few days if you want it.”          “I’d be fine to do that.”          “Then after lunch, we can go to my home office. So it’s quieter and easier to get through everything.”          “Yes, sir.” Levi continued to his office before sighing with relief. “Finally, I won’t have to work under Shitty Glasses anymore.”

         Mr. Lowells walked into his home with Levi.          “Thought you said it’d be quieter here,” Levi stated with an annoyed tone, as music rang through the house, it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t quiet.          “___!” Mr. Lowells shouted. Levi froze as he heard her name then his eyes widened as she popped her head around the corner, the music was abruptly turned off. Her father walked towards where she had popped her head out.          “Sorry, dad. I didn’t think you’d be home this early, so I wanted to clean and make dinner. I’ll finish up polishing the floors. Then if you’d like I can get you and your partner something to drink. Then I’ll go downstairs, so I don’t bother you.” She rambled. Her eyes never leaving her father.          “I don’t mind your cleaning.” He stared her up and down, she was in a tank top and some loose sleep pants. “You look disgusting, though. If you bring us anything, at least make sure to cover your fat first.” ___ hugged her arms, trying to hide them.          “Yes, sir. I apologize.” ___ focused her gaze onto the floor.          “Come on, Ackerman, we have work to do.” Mr. Howells turned on his heel and Levi followed. Trying to process everything in his mind. Everything she had told him last night to remember little things he had heard about her before from Mr. Howells.          “Your office is nice,” Levi stated as he sat down on the couch in the room, spreading out his material over the coffee table.          “Looks like she cleaned in here first since there’s no dust.” He sighed before sitting down in his chair. Levi was pleased with her cleaning. “My daughter, she’s sweet and can cook and clean very well. She’s decently smart too. But, because of how she is and looks, I can never get anyone to marry her. I’ve been looking for years. She gets fatter and uglier as the years go by.” Mr. Howells ran a hand through his hair. Levi was fuming, trying to keep his composure.          “Anyways, sorry you heard all that. Let’s get to work.”

         About an hour had passed before ___ knocked on her father’s door. “Enter.”          “Hey, dad.” ___ only took a couple of steps inside, but Levi could see she changed into a loose-fitting baggy shirt and some jeans. “What would you like to drink?”          “Coffee, black. You, Ackerman?” Levi finally got her to meet his eyes, her whole face flushed.          “Black tea.” Levi gave her a small smirk.          “Okay! I’ll be back in a few then.” ___ squeaked before slowly leaving the room.          Levi was hoping that would be her reaction to remembering him.          “She’s so weird.” Her father grumbled. Levi ignored him and got back to work.

         Once again, a soft knock came, she was told to enter. She kept her eyes on the tray in her hand. She placed the coffee in front of her father. She completely avoided Levi’s gaze, placing his tea in front of him.          “Thanks, beautiful,” Levi whispered to her, once again her face flushed before she quickly left the room. Levi took a sip of his tea, it was perfect, just like her cleaning and her. “Sir, where is your bathroom?”          “Oh, it’s down the hall, the last door on the right.” Levi stood up and headed out of the room.          “Oi, brat,” Levi called out to her, making her freeze in her tracks, he walked up to her. “You could have at least left me your phone number since you ran away.”          “I didn’t think you’d want it. I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself.” She whispered nervously. “I didn’t mean to run away, I had to be home by 2 AM, I was still late back home, though.”          “Well, you made a fucking fool out of me. I got to be with a wonderful woman last night, then she disappeared into the morning. Because I forgot to get her last name and phone number. I was made a fool.”          “I didn’t mean to. Please don’t tell my father. I have to tell him or it’ll be worse for me.”          “Tell him, what?”          “That I’m not a virgin anymore.” She blushed a bit and focused her eyes on her feet. Oh, she's adorable.          “I can’t believe that my boss is your asshole father. I’ve wanted to hit him since I realized it was you. You looked really sexy while cleaning.” He cupped her cheek, pulling her face up to kiss her softly. “If you are so scared of what your father will say, why did you have sex with me?”          “Because I was weak, you were the first person to tell me I was beautiful. The care and love in your eyes. It was something I had never seen before. Even if it was fake to get a girl into your bed. I felt special for once in my life.” Her eyes were starting to water. “You don’t have to pretend anymore, to care I mean. Our one night, it made me really happy, because I felt loved and wanted for a few hours. So thank you.”          “Would you stop fucking crying.” Levi sneered. “I don’t fake shit like this. I said you’re beautiful because I think so. I said your dad is an ass because I think so. I had sex with you because I wanted you. I was pissed you fucking treated me like a one night stand because I want to see more of you. I want you. I want to have sex with you more than once. Even though we did it 4 times.” He chuckled as the crimson spread down her neck.          “So, you like me?”          “That’s an understatement. I fell in love with you the moment you down your drink. The moment you blushed at my compliment. Fuck, I think I fell in love, the moment I saw you.” Pulling her close to him. “You’re coming home with me tonight and you better fucking be there when I wake up.”          “Ackerman.” Levi glanced over at Mr. Howells's confused face. “What are you doing?”          “Trying to get her to come home with me.” Levi deadpanned, he wanted her to know he was being serious, that he honestly loved her.          Mr. Howells chuckled for a moment, before seeing Levi’s eyes scan back over her face.          “Are you serious?”          “Of course. You were complaining about her never getting married. Whatever offer you’ve made before on her, give it to me.”          “What?” They both looked at him in shock.          “You fucking heard me. Let me marry her. She’s beautiful, she gets my sense of humor, makes good tea, and loves to clean. If you would have told me about her and shown me a picture of her when you started all this shit. I would have taken her off your hands. I’m willing to do it right now.”          “Levi, shut up," she whispered.                    “Fucking, brat. Don’t tell me to shut up.” He looked over at Mr. Howells. “So? Are we planning a wedding or what?”          Mr. Howells smiled at Levi. “Yeah, we can start after we get this new campaign settled.”          “Good, because I’ve already had sex with her.”          “Levi!” She smacked his arm slightly.          “Is that why you were late home this morning?” She could only nod. “Well, you’re marrying him, so I'm not upset.”          “Do I get any say in this?” She asked.          “No.” Her father said sternly.          “You’re mine, don’t you dare think about running from me, again.” She squirmed in his arms from his glare on her. “Hey, sir. Are we done for the day?”          “Yeah.”          "Good.” Levi picked up ___, over his shoulder. "Then I’ll be taking her home with me now.”          Her face flushed again, trying to get out of his arms. She giggled a bit when he swore at her for moving too much. And for once, her father finally saw the beauty in his child. He smiled at her, as Levi walked out the door with her.

Author’s Note: continued (While editing this my tortillas almost burned, oop. Welp, time to eat some amazing tacos.) I feel like Levi would never be the type to do a one night stand. (That may be just blind love for him but it is what I think~) So thus this was born.

[fanfictiondreamscape]

Where the Hell am I? (pt. 1)

Title: Where the Hell am I? (pt. 1) 

Genre: comedy, lil floofy (if you squint, I promise), and a lil dramatic - mostly comedic, though. 

Pairing: Aizawa Shota x Reader

Notes: This is, yet again, an idea that was pitched to me by one of my friends over Snapchat. I did take some liberties, contrary to their idea, but I read it and I just HAD to do it. 

Frankly, it made me so happy! I thought that I’d split this, maybe not, but if you want another character (or characters) for this prompt - please let me know!

Some warnings, though; there will be plenty of swearing, so proceed with caution! The reader is also aged up, 21+ purely for the comfort of the writer. I imagine them to be around 24-25, but go about it however you like! 

Below the cut! 

“You really need to stop watching that childish garbage, y’know. You’re too old for that.”

“Grow up already! People your age don’t watch shit like that!” 

“None of that will help you get by in life; stop watching that and get your life together already!”

AKA, things I, (Y/n) (L/n) hear on a daily basis. 

Hello, dear reader! I’m (Y/n), as you’ve already presumed, and according to my family and friends, I waste my time watching what they call ‘immature junk’. I like to call it anime, but whatever floats their boat. 

I have graduated from college, but I still live with a couple of roommates. My diploma has been sitting on the stack of boxes in the corner of my junk, and no matter how hard I’ve tried, the degree has never seemed to win over anybody in the field.

I’ve struggled with a job hunt for a while now, and I’m getting tired of trying to find something that can tie me over for a little while. I know that the job wouldn’t last, something that has followed me around for the longest time no matter how well I completed any given tasks, but I need something to pitch to the split rent. 

I like to think that my roommates haven’t thought of kicking me to the curb as well, but frankly, they’ve probably found a way to do that or leave my ass sat on the empty apartment floor. Whatever the case, things haven’t been working out well for me at all. 

I’ve been broke on and off as of late, and the only things I have managed to keep consistent was my laptop ownership, my phone ownership, and my clothing and personal items. I’ve been making sure that I have cut back on using many things, but it was starting to bite me now. 

Today, of all days, was the one day that everything was seemingly coming to a head. My roommates were both at each other’s throats and took their frustration out on me (for no reason, honestly - I had already paid my portion of the utilities for the the month and had stayed quiet), my mom had just been admitted to the hospital, and my sibling has been taunting me from her fancy-schmancy upscale home by calling me a loser, deadbeat, etc. - all in all, a shitty day. 

Normally, things like this wouldn’t bother me that much (aside from the pandemic confirmation), but this has been a long time coming and I was at my breaking point. 

That night, I had just let everything be. Not a good thing considering the note that they were left on, but I can’t deal with the presence of people that are immature assholes that haven’t been taught to face your issues head-first, and I am too tired to put up with it anymore. 

I grabbed my laptop and opened up my Funimation account. If I could trust no one in the physical world, then I could trust someone in the fictional world instead. 

I had scrolled through, but when I saw that I had watched everything I planned to, I made the final decision to rewatch one - that anime being Boku No Hero Academia, I was pretty content to watch these teenagers grow in a way that I was unable to - nostalgic value in the anime can be spotted, but you have to look closely. 

The opening narration by Deku had started, and as the episodes continued, I got tired. I don’t remember when this happened, but I think I actually fell asleep around episode 5. No matter, things started to blur and I slept. 

...

Everything felt warm and windy, my clothes were brushing against my hands, and I felt extremely groggy. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Well, except for the fact that I felt like I was sleeping on a literal rock, and it was seemingly moving. 

The rocking of whatever it was I was laying on was what woke me up completely, all the sleep forgotten in favor of figuring out what the object was. Looking down, it seemed to be a sheet of metal, and my god - did it stink. ‘Am I laying down in a dumpster?’

After looking down, I did indeed find out that I was sleeping near one. Or in one. Whatever fits, I guess. 

Everything about this situation seemed like I had, somehow, fallen into a blackout drunk stupor. The likelihood of that happening, though, is very low - I have actively avoided any alcohol intake following my 21st birthday. And I had apparently decided to become an emotional drunk when I did reach that point, so that was even more unlikely. 

With that knowledge, this seemed especially fishy. I had to get to the bottom of it. 

I had slipped out of the area slowly, making sure to not accidentally cut my leg or arm on a raw metallic edge, and tread down the alley that I had been sleeping in. 

I didn’t recognize the buildings around me, everything seemed to be a lot more colorful and definitely an extremely far departure from the decrepit, run-down shithole that I had to call a ‘house’. The sky was also so much bluer than what I was used to. 

My parents and other family lived in better areas than I did, but that sky wasn’t what got me - it was the commotion that was coming from around the corner. The sound was so familiar, and I just couldn’t help but assume something crazy: did I land in the world of My Hero? 

‘No, no, no - that’s not possible. That can’t be possible. Your roommates have just lost their shit and threw you out on the street.’ That had to be it, it had to be. There was no other possible situation, though they would have just thrown my ass to the curb and not a dumpster in a generally clean city. 

Yeah, they couldn’t have done that. Or, maybe they did want to kick me out but realized that throwing me out in the dumpster would warrant some legal claims against them, so they decided to inform a family member that actually gave a damn. Then again, the one that was closest lived over two states away, so that also wouldn’t happen so quick. 

“Ugh, my head hurts...”

A crash sounded through the alleyway, and I had made the conclusion that if I don’t leave now, I would get crushed under debris. That being decided, I made a mad dash out of said alley to the opposite end of the sound.

As soon as I left, the obnoxious technicolor of it all made me do a double take. What the hell is with this color palette?

“Are you lost?” 

I jumped from the question. It wasn’t until I turned around that something hit me: yeah, this is most definitely N O T my world. 

The person that had inquired my direction status had a huge spike sticking out of either hand. Their head was shaped normally, their eyes were a dark blue color, and they had short hair. I couldn’t tell if they were male or female, or even non-binary, but I was too freaked out to care. Best bet for this situation, though, was to go with the flow no matter what happens. I refuse to risk my safety any further. 

“I, uh...um, yeah. Yeah, I am lost - but may I ask who wants to know?”

They breathed a sigh of relief, and their hands transformed into regular ones. The only explanation for this was that I was going crazy, or that I really landed in the world of My Hero. “Oh, thank god. I thought you were a villain for a second. Follow me before you get hit,” they said before they directed me further away from the soon-to-be-destroyed building. 

We had made some small talk - if you could even call it that - as we evacuated, and I found out that their name was Dylan. They were apparently an off-duty hero, though that could be left up to debate considering no hero would voluntarily reveal their identity to someone on the street. Though they could have also assumed that I was a regular citizen, as well. 

Didn’t help that I was still completely and utterly fucked on the front of knowledge - still confused, for a shorter explanation. 

The commotion was still very prevalent as I continued walking with Dylan, and when we finally reached the town, the volume was so much more deafening. The sight was as well. 

Two people were fighting in mid-air, one with a dark jacket and leather pants. Gloves were on their hands, but the big kicker was their mouth - it was almost warped into a joker smile, cuts and all, but it was full of teeth. Their eyes, from what I could see from my spot  on the ground, were very large and red. I wish I could have seen more, though. 

The other one was wearing some garb that mimicked Deadpool, though it was very obviously not him since there were some very obvious legs that were protruding from each side of their body. If I was observing them correctly, too, there were eight legs and multiple eyes. A spider hero? Like, a literal spider hero? 

“(Y/n), I’m sure that you’re curious and a little freaked out, but I’m going to ask that you stay here with the crowd,” Dylan said. They laid their hand on my shoulder as I stared at the view in front of me. I absently nodded, muttering a small and measly, “Got it,” as the realization of everything sunk in. 

I really am in the My Hero world. I really landed in a fictional world. 

Holy shit, I’m completely and totally screwed. 

There are so many things that could go wrong, so many things that would warrant a worry. Besides that, though, the thing that’s just hit me now that I know that I’m in their world is the most worrying. 

Whose quirk got so screwed that I got transported here? Do I have to find that person to return to my world? Even then, was this done on purpose? In that case, would they want to send me back? What if it’s a villain and they want something? So many things can go so severely wrong. 

I couldn’t leave my head now. I could, quite literally, die here and no one would notice. 

My blank stare didn’t go unnoticed by certain citizens around me, but their attention was soon diverted - as was mine - at the newest occurrence on the scene. The spider hero was dropping lower, the (supposed) villain was falling quickly to the floor, and another hero stood above the two on top of a nearby building. Cheers erupted through the crowd as the commotion was met with flashing lights, news reporters, and gossip writers. 

It took a second for me to notice, but the other hero on the building was Kamui Woods. Though I would later find this out, too, Mt. Lady was taking care of the runaway villain - she blew up larger with said villain in her hands a bit away from the scene with a triumphant smirk. 

Though there was some slight commotion from the shaken media reporters, they quickly fell back into their goals and started to plow through the crowd. People were being pushed left, right, and forward.

Through this chaos, though, I noticed Dylan pushing against the people looking winded. Eventually, they made it to me while panting. “Okay, so,” they began, “We should probably leave now, but I want to ask you some questions.”

I shrugged, taking a deep breath. “You need to ask, fire away. I need some answers anyway.”

We settled on a nearby restaurant, Dylan offering to pay for whatever food I ordered, and got down to the questions. 

“I noticed that you were stiff when you saw the fight. It wasn’t the normal kind of stiff, either.” 

Dylan’s words seemed off. How could they see a difference in shock between me and the citizens? A villain attack is a villain attack, right? 

“It was more...upset, for lack of a better word. What’s going on with that?” they inquired, making me stiffen. I didn’t realize that I was that odd in the crowd.

I wasn’t sure how to phrase my answer, but I had to say something. Unless I said it straight out, this would probably be a failure to explain. And people may look at me like I’ve lost it. 

“Well...I...”

Dammit.

I’ve just gotta say it. 

“I think I’ve been transported between realities. This one isn’t mine, I fell asleep in a dingy apartment, woke up here, and I’m-”

“Okay, I think I have an idea of what’s going on. I could help you, but it may take some time. Until then, let’s find a way to make sure that you don’t get screwed while you’re here, sound good?”

I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful. Then the thought hit me.

“Wait, how would you know? How can I trust you? Prove that you’re a hero, and then I’ll think about that offer.”

They chuckled a little, seemingly nonplussed, and reached for their hero license. After taking a look at it, I determined that this was a real license. You can’t get one unless you passed the exam, and even then, there are very few circumstances in which you can get one and not be a hero. 

“Getting closer, but still not there. I need more proof.”

Nodding again, they grabbed their cell and opened their messages in front of me. Their phone screen was face up, and they turned it to face me. I saw messages between Kamui and Dylan. I scrolled through the messages to make sure that they weren’t faked, and the image moved. 

“One more thing. If that’s the case, then tell me what your quirk is.”

“Well, my quirk is body morphing, or shape shifting. I can’t shift into anything that’s living, though - and I can’t keep up form for too long of a time. That enough for you?”

I paused, weighing the options - they’ve shown enough awareness, and they do have proof for what I provided, but how can I be sure that this isn’t just a ploy to trap a citizen and get the attention of the heroes? 

“Okay, here’s what I am gonna do - I’m going to trust you. I have nowhere else to go, nor do I have any idea as to why I’m here, and I can’t go about life here without some help,” I uttered, urgency (and possibly a little fear) in my tone of voice. 

With a nod, their bouncy curls following the action. They seemed satisfied, and I had finally found some sense of stability.

I can now figure this shit out. 

[tardis-stowaway]

Ten years after the Not-pocalypse, Adam Young, age 21 and recently graduated from university:

-Works in a crappy retail job and lives in a tiny, crappy flat in London

-The crappy flat has no sound insulation, so he’s always hearing the absurd amount of movement from the people in the flat above and the really loud but not quite intelligible conversations from the people in the flat next door. It’s a long way to the nearest public park, and he misses the green of home.

-Is not all that good at his customer service job, with the exception that if a customer is irrationally angry about something, he says he wants to make sure he understands the problem and repeats their complaint back to them with this look in his eyes, and they universally back down and often apologize. His coworkers love him for it. Everything else is just drudgery.

-Single, despite his best efforts. Okay, maybe not his best efforts, but some efforts.

-Knows that his childhood was uncommonly idyllic at least partly due to his powers. He’s not entirely sure how his life went quite so off the rails lately.

-Maybe his powers have faded gradually since he rejected his destiny, or maybe it’s just that on some level he absorbed the expectation that being in one’s early 20’s means being broke and a little lost, and the expectation made it happen whether he wanted it or not.

-Or maybe he just should’ve chosen a more employable course of study at uni instead of comparative religion. In his defense, it seemed relevant to his life.

-Spends much of his free time on climate crisis activism. He’ll be damned (ha) if he stood against the forces of Heaven and Hell, the Four Horsepeople of the Apocalypse, and his own birthright to preserve the continuing existence of humanity on the Earth only for humans to blunder into destroying themselves unintentionally through greed and shortsighted decisions.

-He’s been doing this since he was twelve, when Brian sent the Them’s group text an article about the group Extinction Rebellion with the caption “named for us?? :)” Adam had laughed, then actually read the article. Within a week he’d convinced the Them and a dozen of their classmates to show up at the next town council meeting with a list of sustainability demands.

-No matter how many civil disobedience events he takes part in, he never seems to get arrested. Adam suspects it’s his supernatural entity privilege. Pepper says it’s probably mostly that he’s white and great at charming his way out of trouble.

-He’s still friends with all of the Them, but they don’t live especially close together. He does have a flatmate, an American who Adam met at uni.

-At this point you, a genre-savvy reader of much Good Omens fic and meta, are probably seeing the word “American” and thinking that Adam is flatmates with Warlock Dowling. For once, you are wrong. 

-Adam’s flatmate is Jesus.

-Not Jesus Christ, but a young man named Jesus Dominguez, pronounced the Spanish way (like hay-soos).

-Jesus is from Southern California, and he talks more than a little bit like a surfer stereotype. He’s got warm brown skin, shoulder-length dark hair in perpetually-mussed waves, and a little beard. He’s kinda leaning into the look  to mess with people, but it’s also the same style found on at least a third of the other male-presenting hipsters in London.

-When he learned that he was going to share a flat with someone named Jesus, Adam called Crowley and Aziraphale. He’s never been gladder that he stayed in touch with them, because he NEEDED someone who understood how the Antichrist and Jesus sharing a flat sounded like the setup for a joke or a sitcom. Crowley did indeed laugh out loud, then told Adam that as a fellow lapsed member of the forces of Hell, he could personally recommend sharing quarters with a heavenly adversary. Aziraphale just muttered “oh, stop” at Crowley.

-Adam moved to London because it was easier to get to the important protests there, and because he was curious. He spent the first six months desperately homesick for Tadfield. The city was so crowded but somehow he still felt so alone, other than Jesus.

-Then a midnight fire-alarm in their building sent him and Jesus into the streets along with dozens of their neighbors. Adam finally met the people in the flat above theirs who made all that moving around noise. They were an older couple who took ballroom dancing lessons at the senior center and liked to practice at home. Mrs. Kapoor tried to teach Adam how to foxtrot right there on the pavement in the middle of the night. He stepped on her feet, but since he was in bare feet and she’d actually taken the time to find shoes it wasn’t a big deal.

-Meanwhile Jesus was finally talking to the loud young men from next door. By the time Adam wandered over, Jesus had learned their names (Leon, Seamus, and Nazim) and secured an invitation for the two of them to come over to watch Saturday’s football match, and to join their next D&D campaign (“just no more  paladins,” said Nazim). Adam looked forward to finding out whether it was the D&D or the football that was the cause of more yelling.

-As the evacuation stretched on with no hint of either actual fire or clearance to go back inside, the building’s children began to get fussy. Adam found a coin on the ground (successfully picking it up, because Crowley didn’t make it to this neighborhood very often) and proceeded to distract them with stage magic.

-He initially learned stage magic from Aziraphale, but he’s better at it than the angel ever was. He hardly cheats physical reality at all. The kids love it.

-When the fire department finally gives them the clearance to go back inside, Adam’s stomach rumbles. “Is anyone else hungry?,” he asks, to a chorus of agreement. It’s too late for any nearby takeout, but Jesus chats with their neighbors about options.

-Jesus enlists Adam’s help in going from flat to flat gathering ingredients from everyone, and before long they’re serving fish tacos and grilled cheese sandwiches to a small crowd of pajama-clad people. It’s 2 am, but everyone is smiling, or at least has contentment at the edge of their yawns.

-The next day, Mrs. Kapoor brings Adam and Jesus a spider plant cutting, because she thought their flat looked too bare. Adam texts a picture of it to Crowley and receives back lengthy instructions on watering, pot size, soil, and the most effective threats for the species.

-Five months later, the local planning council has an intense debate about why crime rates in one neighborhood have dropped by 75% since their last meeting. They each try to claim credit for their pet civic projects. Actually, it’s because Adam Young has started to love London, or at least his nook of it.

-Buskers soon realize that certain tube stops are generating far more tips than they ever have before, with no obvious demographic shift accounting for the change. The common ground is that these are the stops on Adam’s commutes to work and his activist meetings. He can only occasionally spare a tip himself, but his enjoyment of the music is contagious.

-Even after the breakthrough, not every day is good. On a late summer day that just happens to be the anniversary of the day the world didn’t end, Adam comes home from a protest fuming.

-“Dude, you okay?” asks Jesus, looking up from his guitar. (Jesus sometimes goes to protests with Adam, but not usually the ones where they’re planning on breaking laws. “I’m a brown-skinned foreigner, man. Do you think I’ll get away with what you get away with? I’m not ready for that yet,” he says, and Adam can’t argue.)

-“The media barely showed up at our event, probably because it was about a million degrees and even though that’s exactly what we’re protesting, nobody wants to be out in it. Six of our people passed out from the heat and three got arrested. They still didn’t arrest me, but I got pushed over and cracked my phone screen. On my way home, some drunk on the tube vomited on my shoes. Our green jobs bill still doesn’t have the votes in Parliament, and have you seen the latest news on the Antarctic ice sheets?” Adam kicks off his shoes, then collapses dramatically onto the futon and groans.

-“Sounds rough,” says Jesus.

-“I should’ve just ended the damn world when I was eleven and I had the chance. Would’ve been quicker,” Adam mutters.

-Jesus gets up and goes to the kitchen. He brings Adam a beer. “You don’t mean that, bro,” he says.

-Adam sighs, accepting the beer. “I suppose not.”

-He drinks his beer. Dog, now grey-muzzled and slow, shuffles over to curl up at his feet. Adam pulls out his phone, which is cracked but still seems functional. He’s got a text from Aziraphale.

-“Dear Adam,” the text begins, because Aziraphale might have finally deigned to learn to text but he steadfastly refused to adopt its stylistic conventions, “I hope that you have returned safely from today’s protest. I’m very proud of your continuing efforts, and though he won’t admit it I know that Crowley feels the same. Please write back at your earliest convenience. Fondly, Aziraphale”

-Adam texts back to reassure the angel, who will doubtless pass it on to Crowley, then he texts similar reassurances to his parents and to Mrs. Kapoor upstairs. He’s still figuring out this adulthood thing, but he’s got a lot of parental figures looking out for him. His Infernal Bio-Dad isn’t one of them, and that’s the way Adam likes it.

-Through the open window comes the sound of music blasting from a car stuck in traffic below. Freddie Mercury and David Bowie are singing:

And love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night, And love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves.

-He turned down the chance to rule the world, and he’d make the same choice again, but he still feels a certain proprietary responsibility towards the planet and its inhabitants. His father—his real, earthly father—didn’t raise him to shirk responsibility, and he’s not one to cave under pressure.

-Life is hard, people are mostly idiots, and the world is coming apart at the seams, but it’s his messed up life and his idiotic people and his beautiful, half-broken world.