#and am i just recycling through the same ideas over and over?... maybe dont @ me

[cold-heart-warm-writings]

OHSHC and the kind of cafe/restaurant the members would run 

Mori: An animal cafe - “what kind of animal?” “Yes” (seriously, what else could he possible want?) He would go all out on having each drink and special pastry treat in the shape of an animal with a cute little name. You’re telling me there’s NOT going to be a lemon cookie called “Lizzy’s Lemon” that’s name after a lizard? (Fun fact: Mori had a pen in hand, about to sign a contract, when he realized that Rainforest Cafe doesn’t actually have live animals. :( He tore up the contract and used it as bedding for his chickens.)

Hikaru:  One of those Karen cafes where the wait staff yells at the customers. He gets adored to be a menace in the host club, so obviously he’s going to love being paid to be a menace at a restaurant. And the worst they are, the better the ratings? Hell yeah.

Tamaki: ... okay, a French bakery, no duh, but if everyone pushed back and wanted him to think outside the box... what would he do? What matters most to him? What was something he always craved and had to fight to achieve for? A family. And when is a popular time where an entire family can get together, talk about their day, share stories, and bond? Meal times. Tamaki would want a restaurant, with a new type of cuisine every three months. It’s French food, then Japanese, Italian, Mexican, etc. There are no TV’s in this restaurant, because Tamaki wants families to sit together and enjoy the company of those around them. It is a popular location for little kid birthday parties, old grandparent birthday parties, and a nostalgic get together location for friends who haven’t seen each other in many years. He takes “when you eat with us, you’re family” to a whole other level.

Honey: Am I going to take the obvious way out again and say a sweets shop? Absolutely. But his sweets shop is of the “build your own” variety. You choose the type of cake, an option of frosting colors and flavors, and then you get little bowls of all sorts of candies and treats and ways to decorate your cake. There’s also boba, and boba plus all the cake? You’re more likely to fall asleep at the mattress store next door than actually make it home.

Haruhi: When/if you were a student, was there ever a restaurant/cafe you loved to study at? Haruhi is very pro “a quiet place to study” and food that tastes like a loved one made it. The food Haruhi’s restaurant sells might not be the fanciest food in the world, but it is good food, it’s the kind of food that warms your entire body and leaves you content and at peace. It’s affordable, large portions, and the tables are the perfect size for textbooks and laptops. You do need to take a study break when eating, because breaks are important, but due to the “library rules: shhhhhhhhh” sign on the front door, this is the perfect place to get some major work done and still be well fed. 

Kaoru: Ngl, I’m struggling here. I could see him running a fine dining, ball gowns, champagne, fancy tea, aristocracy inspired restaurant... and then I could also see him running a food truck with a friend, and serving whatever kind of food he is interested at the time. He travels all across Japan, meeting new people, experiencing life on his own, growing independently of his brother and family, getting into trouble, figuring out how to get back out, swimming in waterfalls, hiking through mountains, serving cold noodles and warm alcohol, breathing fresh air, and realizing that even though he’s traveled all around the world, there is always more to explore.

Kyoya: Kyoya isn’t interested in running a restaurant. He doesn’t want to deal with Donald’s fries being crispy when he asked for extra crispy. He is interested though in owning restaurants. You could make a drinking game and be plastered in minutes walking downtown if you took a shot, or even just a goddamn sip for every restaurant you passed by that he owns. From the fastest of foods to the most obnoxiously bougie of restaurants, he owns, or at least partially owns, a vast majority of them.

Bonus:

Renge: A Maid/Butler cafe. She almost went with a strict anime cafe, but then she couldn’t decide on which anime. But then a lightbulb - “why not both?” If she does a maid cafe, she can do all the themes, thus Renge’s Rainbow Girls Maid Cafe was born.

[ultraskull1000]

Okay. So. Project guitar time. I picked up this daphne blue Jazzmaster body off of ebay for like, $100 and decided that it was time to build a guitar that filled a niche that I haven't yet.

So. For context my other two main guitars are a squier Jaguar that I use in my band, using AV '62 Jaguar pickups and modded a bit to make it more of a vintage feel, and my Strat which I use for more classic rock tones and other stuff with an HSS setup, using two random single coils again off of ebay and a Seymour Duncan pickup that I added a coil split push pull pot on the guitar for. I dont use the strat outside of my room very often because it has a floyd rose on it, and i can never get it to stay in tune if its not in a climate controlled area that it stays in for a while. yeah. its a pain in the ass.

So. What am I missing if I have these two guitars? well. As much as i love the classic Jazzmaster pickups and have enjoyed every instrument i've laid my hands on with them, I very much do not have a normal humbucker guitar that I just pick up and use as a humbucker guitar. My strat has a humbucker, yes, but like. A strat neck pickup is just. a strat neck pickup. its too sweet not to use when holding that guitar. the bridge pickup on my strat pretty much gets used when im playing punk, otherwise its in single coil mode mixed with the middle pickup.

But im not looking for like, a les paul sound. no. i want funky weird pickups that arent seen everyday. So i went and looked and considered buying random weird pickups before landing on Wide range humbuckers for that kind of hybrid sound of a higher gain humbucking pickup with a little bit of that fender sweetness that i do so greatly appreciate. and yeah i did buy them relatively new but i got a good deal on them and it fucks.

So. I have the body. i have the pickups. now electronics. I got a decoboom pickguard for wide range humbuckers on the way, with a rhythm circuit cutout cause i do want to put something there, but since my jaguar already has a rhythm circuit and makes that lovely warm and lightly muddy sound (positive, i do love putting my voice over that particular tone) I wanna try to do something weird and probably offputting with that section. I have some ideas, thought about making the upper bout switch a bit wider for a three way switch and putting like, an octaver in there with options for a 12 string mode and a bass mode or something. but nothing finalized. ill think of something. otherwise my plans are to pretty much have a normal 3 way wiring with these. I might add coil split switches later or something funky but i also dont just want to rely on those voices for this guitar and think that it will be nice to have a guitar that has a very distinct voice when it comes to my humble collection.

There is the question of the neck. for now im using a neck that i pulled off a squier bullet strat that was found in the scrap pile at a recycling facility (long story) but i do intend to later get a proper dedicated neck for this maybe possibly.

Another thing about this guitar is that I want to not care about its visual condition. let me clarify what that means. I absolutely love and adore guitars that have been beaten to hell and back and abused and the finish is scraped off and stickers are all over them and there are scars and battle wounds and its been bashed apart and fuck i love that shit. but as my partner pointed out to me, I keep my guitars in pretty polished up condition and get upset when i do things to mark them up. which is true. i drilled a hole in my jaguar while installing the mute and ended up going through the guitar. I fixed it the same day, as i went and grabbed some dowels of the right size and glued it up and its functional but i moped about it for a week afterwards. So. I will be trying my damndest to not baby this guitar. I will be trying to make it look like Thurston Moore has beaten it half to death. I will be vandalizing and sticking it and throwing it around and wailing on it and it will hurt for a while but I want my hands and history to be on this guitar and I want it to make a statement of attitude. Will still very much hurt the first time i leave a mark tho.

Anyway, heres a mockup of what i have so far. will be updating as i get some more of its components together.

and here have a more up to date pic of my jaguar as a bonus.

[jeonfiles]

better left unsaid - jjk

genre: angst, rebounds

pairings: jungkook x reader (ft. namjoon)

warnings: arguing, alcohol, profanity, break ups, light smut, use of drugs, jungkook is a fucking dick, jungkook has major attachment issues, toxic relationships, oc cries a lot, namjoon has a heart of gold, unrequited love

synopsis: you knew you shouldnt have given him that second chance, not the third or the fourth either. no matter how much you try he always slithers his way underneath your sheets, arms wrapped around you.

word count: 2.7k

music: into your arms, so it ends?, you will fade, thinkin bout you, julia, my insecurities not yours, fuck u, goodluck, my dear i will think of you

note: uhh ive never written a y/n fic so bare with me, if u listen to the music you’ll be able to feel the story a lot more so yeah if u have time u should, not proof read

Light coming through the cracks of the blinds, making you squint your eyes when the daylight beams into your eyes, head resting on the kitchen island Looking up, you saw the clock ticking on the wall, 11:32 am.

You had stayed up till 5 am, waiting for him to come home, but seemingly, he never did. Reaching for your phone, you saw 4 missed calls from the one and only,

Jeon Jungkook, saved in your phone as “Koo <3″, Rows of messages too, all from the same contact.

Koo <3 [05:34 am]

baby pkck me up pleseee

im so wsated

Koo <3 [06.46am]

dont be mad at me jsut pick me up

i dont knw hewere the fuck i am

i love you

Koo <3 [07:31 am]

i got a rde home i’ll be home by 12

i need to talk to someone frsit

im sorry if i woke ypu dont be worried

You took a few moments to collect your thoughts, but there wasn’t much to collect. This whole thing, was a routine by now.

Standing up to make yourself a cup of coffee, you could literally not feel your own backside, you were so sore from the barstool you had been sitting on all night, and it made you groan in pain.

Two coffee cups right beside the kitchen sink, which you couldn’t bring yourself to clean up, because it was from the last time you had coffee together, which was 2 weeks ago.

The inside of the cup had a coffee crust at the top, and both your lip tint marks on the outside.

When you finish your cup of coffee while watching a bad telenovela, you go sit in your favorite chair and pull out a few books from the backpack hanging on the chair next to you, getting ready to get some studying done.

For a few seconds you imagine Jungkook hanging over your shoulder laughing at the way you write your A-s and R-s, or the way you always sign your homework at the bottom of the page.

And when you open them, there’s no one there. The only sound is from the refrigerator, making refrigerator noises.

You had met Jungkook 3 years ago, when you were at college orientation, senior year of high school. He also wanted to attend Yonsei, just like you.

And when he whispered to you about how bored he was, you couldn’t help but giggle, and then you got yelled at.

It was worth it though, because everyone was jealous of you afterwards,the  Jeon Jungkook had talked to you.

Jungkook was an all-rounder as they called it; great physique, intelligent, charismatic and great at sports.

And god, he had a beautiful face, and such a filthy mouth, and it didn’t go long before you gave in to his seductive ways and slept with him. The morning after, he wasn’t in bed with you, and your heart sank.

Luckily, he was in the kitchen making you breakfast.

It was all bliss from there, showering you with love, gifts and kisses for two years, and you even ended up moving in together.

And now? You barely remember what he sounds like, smells like and is like.

A distant memory, just as distant as him.

Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted as you heard 3 knocks on your door. The exact same way he had always knocked when he had forgotten (or lost) his keys.

And even though you should have let him suffer a little, you rushed to the door to open it, and in front of you, was your biggest nightmare.

It was your love, crying his eyes out, bleeding from one of many cuts on his face, looking nearly dead. He collapsed into your arms, and you could only utter a few words, along the lines of:

“How could you do this to us?”

As he was laying curled up in a ball on the couch, face plastered up, ice bag on his knee, wrapped up in a blanket, you realized. this was your que to cry.

So, you did. You cried in silence, sitting across the room from him. You weren’t mad at him for coming home late, or getting in another fight, probably the 5th just these past months, you had gotten used to that by now.

There was a whole other reason that made you cry.

He smelled like Victorias Secret Bombshell, you recognized the scent because it used to be your favorite,  however, now you’ve moved onto something less sweet, and more elegant, like Caroline Herrera.

He smelled like someone who wasn’t you, his girlfriend.

He smelled like another girl.

It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Maybe because the Jungkook that had come home to you that morning wasn’t your Jungkook.

Your Jungkook was varsity jackets, star of the american football team (which your school was known for), selfless and humorous, and he would always take care of you.

Your Jungkook was not ungroomed hair, cigarettes and worsening grades. He was not cold and lifeless, and he would never make you cry.

Despite this, you were carding your fingers though his hair, thumb wiping away the blood on his lips while he was sound asleep as you slowly fell asleep next to him.

Maybe it was time to let him go. 

Maybe.

You woke a few hours later from your phone vibrating.

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:01 pm]

Hey Y/N! Have you started working on the statistics assignment?

If you haven’t, would you be interested in meeting at the library tomorrow? You’re really smart and i’m kinda struggling ://

You [07:03 pm]

i finished it yesterday, but if you buy me coffee i’ll come help you hehe

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:04 pm]

You’re the best, I’ll bring you a machiatto!! :D

Maybe it would be nice for you to get out of the house, even though you hate the thought of it, and you would much rather just swim in your own sorrow.

But you did go out the next day, and you helped Namjoon get a decent grade, enough to pass with good margines, he thanked you by taking you out for ramen at a convenial store not too far away.

You thanked him for the ramen with a trip to the museum, and he thanked you for the museum trip with a picnic in the park at night, which led you to crying over Jungkook in his embrace, telling him every single little detail.

He made you realize it was time to let Jungkook go and make room for new people to enter your life.

You went home that night, and you found Jungkook passed out on the couch, and you could genuienly feel your chest tighten. Soft features which stood out under the moonlight glow, disheveled brown locks which hung down in his eyes.

He was gorgeous, until you saw the credit card on the table next to three bottles of soju and an empty beer can on the floor. And you knew what he had used the credit card for, though you didn’t want to say it out loud.

You cleaned everything up, and you threw the residue of the white powder right in the trash can, and you recycled his bottles and cans before finally, nudging him to wake up.

“Jungkook, wake up.” You spat coldly, or at least you attempted to.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening his eyes, and s huge smile on his face. “Y/N, you’re home!” He reached to kiss you, but you backed away.

“Y/N?” Jungkook questioned, he didn’t quite understand what your intentions were.

“Don’t try anything Jungkook. This was your last chance, and you fucked it up, again.” The room turned ice cold. “I’m getting you help Jungkook, you need help. And then...”

He understood what kind of help you meant, and since he had now sobered up, he agreed, nodding. “And then...?” 

“And then.” Your words were ludged in your throat. “And then I’m leaving you.”

His whole face dropped, smile turned into the frowniest frown you had ever seen, and it was all silent before his lower lip starts trembling, and his eyes start turning glassy.

“It’s alright. Sorry for burdening you.” Was all he could say before tears rushed down his cheeks, and he started shaking.

So you did what you always had done, and you wrapped your arms around him, head resting on your chest as he sobbed.

“Is there anyone else?” he cried out before another wave of sobs hit him.

This exact question made your stomach hurt, and your throat burn. You really had no idea.

Or you did, but you didn’t want to.

You loved Jungkook so much, but you couldn’t be with him in this state. So you did what every rational person would do in this situation.

“Yeah.”

You lied.

“Oh ok. I don’t have the right to be mad do I?”

You shake your head no.

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

“It’s ok.” was all he said before he fell asleep in your arms again.

That night you slither your way out of his embrace and you pack your suitcase in the dark, bringing all your essentials, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake Jungkook.

Packing enough for two weeks or so, you make the bed and leave your t-shirt “accidentally” in the bathroom, and you make sure all his clothes are folded, and then you sort his pencil case, throwing out old pens and worn out erasers.

You leave a grocery list on the counter, and you tuck him in good under the blankets after you took his jeans and socks off so he could sleep comfortably.

You placed his vitamins and medicine by the refrigerator so he’ll see it when he goes to grab something to eat. 

Puffed up pillows, a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and underwear is now placed neatly on his bed. Then you walk into the kitchen again, and you see Jungkook still sound asleep, sniffling a little still.

There’s one last thing, and it makes you cry. It makes you sob so loud you cover your mouth and muffle the sound you make. Sinking to the floor, your whole body is in contact with the cold tiles.

Only a year ago you could never imagine yourself even shedding a single tear over something as small as this, but here you were, on the edge of a panic attack.

Two worn out, matching couple mugs still placed by the counter. one if the first things you two had bought together, as well as the necklace hanging around your neck.

Finally, you stopped crying and started cleaning the mugs, lip trembling as you dried them and placed them in the back of the cabinet.

You unhooked your necklace and laid it down on the counter, and the biggest lump formed in your throat.

Actually, there’s a little detail you forget. 

You kiss Jungkook on the forehead and leave a note on the coffee table.

“Dear Jungkook,

If you want to make this up to me (this does not mean a new chance!!) you call the number at the bottom of the page. No matter what happens, I’ll always have room for you in my heart. You even have your own little VIP lobby in there. And - if it’s urgent, call. I still care for you, and I always have. You were the best boyfriend I’ve had, but good things always come to and end, don’t they? Anyways, I’m tired so this letter fucking sucks, but deep down you know how much I love you. Remember to get groceries, shower, get fresh air and study. If I forgot something you can keep it, as long as you call the number and tell them you’re my friend. They’ll help you love. Try and get a part time job too, your student loan and your dad’s money won’t last forever. Good luck Koo. Hwaiting!!

-L/N Y/N <33″

You cringe when you think of the letter’s contents, before you roll out your suitcase out of the front door, whispering a faint “Goodnight Love.” as you close and lock the door behind you.

Standing by the elevator, you cry again. This time, louder, but you still reach for your phone and type out a text to the newly edited contact in your phone.

You [02:13 am]

coming outside now, im a crying mess and im super cold, is your car heated?

sorry for making you wait btw :((

Joonie <3 [02:13 am]

dont worry about the crying part, i’ll hold you. and yeah car is heated, so waiting here wasnt all that bad. you ready for this?

You  [02:14 am]

i have no idea but i cant stay here any longer and i trust you sooo

lets start our new chapter. eh?

4 months later...

He had been good to you, great even.

You had been on expensive dates, picnics, had heart to heart conversations, and he’d been so understanding.

Today, it was your 2 month anniversary, and he had asked you on a magnificent date, which he had planned every second of.

At the end of the day, you told him how you don’t love him. He said it was alright. Namjoon loved you, so much, yet he understood you needed time.

You went to sleep that day, warm in Namjoon’s embrace, wondering how Jungkook was doing. 

You felt bad, but you missed Jungkook.

You were both with someone new now, and you knew he was in good hands with someone stable enough to care for him.

Before your eyes closed shut, you shed a few quiet tears and hoped that you’d fall in love with Namjoon soon, and deep down you knew you would.

[organic-guacamole]

episode 209 spoilers below

I'm so late today but here it is

I love EJ, he's finally learning to be happy. I'm so proud.

Ms Jenn = every boomer during zoom calls, like jeez yes we can hear you stop shouting at me.

LOVE THE SUBTLE JOKE ABOUT QUARANTINE "these dark times" "you mean spring break?"

ah yes, remember when we thought covid was just gonna give us a longer spring break? good times

SEBLOS

damn the passive aggressiveness from Carlos and the absolutely over it tone from seb✋

CASWELL COUSINS!!!!! THEY'RE THE BEST!!!!

we needed more if this kind of goofiness for the first part of season 2 that only such an iconic duo can provide.

old old movies-

is it even that old, or is Nini being a gen alpha rn-

i choose to imagine EJ being scared of the movie and hiding in Ashlyn's shoulder while she keeps a straight face and then EJ pretending to be tough afterwards

aww redlyn are soulmates.... yknow, if gingers had souls

(please ignore me)

y'all saw how EJ's face *lit up* when Gina logged on? how dare you tell me he doesn't like her

ofc she's no damsel in distress, she's Gina porter, she's amazing.

so do we think she'd be the type to just glare at suspicious people? or bark at them

do they not know that Rini broke up? or is Ms Jenn just wanting Nini to suffer through her heartbreak to make her a better actress....

speaking of, why is Nini in the call? she's not in the show anymore. Unless she is, even after the rose and the song got cut, which would be so unfair to all those that auditioned properly before she even came back but whatever, she's the main character I get it 🙄

big red is a hero honestly, Nini better thank him for changing the subject like that

I can't-

i won't work you over the break-

this woman would 100% work her kids 24/7 if it was legal and idk how to feel about it.

YES GINA USE THAT CHARM

QUEEN

FRENCH QUEEN

SHE LEARNT FROM THE BEST (antoine obvi)

smh the airport lady, eavesdropping on Gina's call.

The way she was so happy to answer EJ's call, "eej"

I love them your honour.

EJ WITH PAINTED NAILS YES PLEASE

great now we need to see Gina, Ashlyn and EJ having a complete spa day and EJ getting really into it and Gina and Ashlyn take pictures of him when he's laying down in a robe with a mask and cucumbers on his eyes.

finally we get to see Gina's side of portwell

the way she considered it as flirting, this is the sign she asked for in episode 6 come onnnnn

no is Asher/jack really doing tiktok dances in an airport-

Ricky is me. I am burrito.

oh Lynne, sweetie, I'm sorry but the blonde hair is not it

is that even the same lady or-

THE BEAN

THE CHICAGO BEAN

THE BIG OLD METAL BEAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY 😭

jetlag is my go to excuse for anything... I haven't travelled in 2 years.

"welcome to the Lynne and Mike gossip show. where we talk about our depressed son that we both neglect in certain ways! And now a word from our sponsor, Nord VPN..."

SO MANY CANDLES

WHAT DEMON IS LYNNE TRYING TO SUMMON IN HIS ROOM-

is Nina becoming social media obsessed EJ from season 1? AND SHE LIED ABOUT HAVING SONGS TOO PLEASE WHY ARW THEY RECYCLING THE SAME PLOT-

Gina smiling at the picture of her family on Instagram makes me so happy, idek why.

EJ's nails are so pretty, we needed to see it more (unless he had it on for the rest of the episode and I just.... didn't notice🧍🏽‍♀️)

oh not the tiktok kid✋

yes ma'am end this strange mans whole tiktok career

sir take a hint and leave

GINA NO DONT SAY YOUR LAST NAME HE COULD BE A HUMAN TRAFFICKER

Ricky, walking in style✨

weird kid, ok then Lynne, can't you see he's this close to the edge?

not all your fault baby Ricky, Nini sucks a bit more

RICKY YOU DIDN'T COME DOWN HARD ON THE SONG-

YOU ASKED WHAT IT WAS ABOUT AND SHE SHUT YOU DOWN-

PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF

ok but the deleting comment thing was very bad

still don't know if I like Jack honestly

hmmm so Nini's calling herself Nini instead of Nina in her little egg seat, while trying to write a song without inspiration.... Nini, honey, Ricky was your muse, he inspired you to write all those songs, even if it wasn't good for the relationship.

that doesn't mean you gotta get back with him, or that you can't write a song that not about him butttt it'll take some time

the rainbow sticker in her box and her rainbow shirt-

anyways wbk she's not totally straight

Jack are you a criminal?

quick, Gina, check his ankle for a tracker

THE YES AND PRACTICE STRIKES AGAIN

the way Gina wasn't into it in episode 6 but she's used the technique twice now

stole her grandma's Pomeranian-

Jack where the hell did you pull that out from-

the fake crying killed me, that looks like so much fun though

anyone wanna raid a first class lounge with me?

wait so is jack not gonna go in with her?

wouldn't he go in too? help look for the credit card? SO CONFUSED

the first class lounge guy was so into the drama though, watch his face when they start arguing 😭

sorry to break this to you Kourtney, but you haven't even blocked the second act yet soooo...

take that as you will

I love how all of them are totally dissing the dance off

that's the most realistic part of this show tbh

shouldn't Nini have asked how she knew....since the start? why is the fact that her best friend has knowledge of a North high secret now dawning on her...

Howie is sweet honestly, at least he's trying to help. but I stand with Kourtney, don't take him back just because he sang an amazing song, and is giving you a heads up on what's gonna happen...

KOURTNEY IS ME TRYING TO LEAVE AN ONLINE CLASS

I hate school

ooo Nini's writing a song about bad internet connection 🤩🤩🤩

I never lie, except when I do-

son that is the creepiest thing you could say to a stranger that you've been "helping"

2 truths and a lie👀

he's an Ariana fan 100%

called it.

OLDER BROTHER-

WHAT-

free spirit? damn so brother porter was in that horse movie

so has she been kissed or not?????????

I feel like she's moved more than 15 times though so possibly

but then if she's moved so much, and before east high she never opened up to anyone, she's never been kissed then?? damn

same though Gina so let's be besties please

heartbreak president is a great song title idea, give Nini a call rn

but wait

is the no strings attached feeling thing about her telling Ricky she liked him? she thought she was moving away so she thought it'd be no strings attached???

guys I think I figured it out insert the "I've connected two dots" meme

THE DUKE SWEATSHIRT

IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S

OMG I LOVE I LOVE

NOT THAT I KNOW OF???

ma'am did you just kill me

yes you did

Lynne and Ricky have such a weird relationship

YES IT DID SUCK

TODD SUCKS

LYNNE SUCKS

yeah I get that you wanted Ricky to like Todd BUT THAT WASN'T THE TIME

right so we already know that Ricky was so desperate to keep Nini cuz he didn't want to be like his parents, and now Lynne's talking about this-

Richard needs a long hug

yes Lynne, it is your fault. thank you for finally admitting it.

YES DYE YOUR HAIR

BLOND HIGHLIGHTS RICKY WILL RISE AGAIN

"sometimes the best, last thing you can do for someone you love, is let them go."

gotta admit I teared up at that point

not me thinking big red was calling ms Jenn cupcake for a hot second-

Carlos please omg, you're at the "beach" and they're leaving for the pool?

also, why not just do the call from the hotel room please omg

"don't ask me"

"Carlos"

OMG WHAT HAPPENED

big red wants the tea

O M G

SEB IS JEALOUS

JEALOUS SEBBY IS MY FAVOURITE THING IDC

I'm surprised ms Jenn knew how to give Nini permission to screenshare tbh

So lily's been stalking the East high kids and spending time editing this video while she's supposedly in an immersion trip.... right

EJ and Ashlyn's picture is so chaotic, what even is happening there

"slacking off" bestie its spring break, obviously they're confident enough that they'll get it done in time so why not focus on your own musical.

jealous seb = sassy seb

please what if those guys Carlos is posing with are his cousins or something and that's why he's so confused about Seb

6 YEAR OLD EJ I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM

Nini saying she's obsessed with her ex, that's not weird at all 👍

I can just tell Matt had a blast harassing Julia with those puppets.

Jack please dont be like that, "yet"

chances are you'll never see eachother again 🥰

(honestly sometimes I really miss those friends I made on trips and stuff when we'd spend the day or week together, only to never see them again....those were the good days though)

Ashlyn and Nini should write more songs..... something better than this one at least

Nini: "im good"

cue the Tia Mowry (please I can't spell) crying gif

oh I forgot Ricky was in the show for a hot second

1. where did Gina get to film this without people being around

2. did she just... randomly change her clothes???

ok but the transition between Carlos and EJ

*chefs kiss*

now everyone shut up, EJ's singing

oh i think I'm pregnant

HIS MUSCLES

YES KOURTNEY

I love how big red and Kourtney went from being "the best friends™" to the couple in season 1, to kinda close themselves and having their own plots

sebby makes me so happy

props to biggies editing skills honestly

PORTWELL BEING SIDE TO SIDE I CANT

AND SEBLOS OMG

big red lives for the drama

"wow" so true Ricky

no he is not cute, stop it

"holding" ok that's kinda cute

yeah EJ's a lucky guy😌

jokes aside, it's not that hard to exchange numbers-

keep in touch if you want

ok I really like Jack now

if he comes back in season 3, maybe have him be LGBTQ+ ?

like the only out characters they have rn are Seb and Carlos and they're like the sterotypes, yk?

I'd love to see jack kinda break the mold

Ricky's breaking my heart

that song just hurts

the only thing

now I don't hate Lynne????????

HOW DARE THEY WRITE IN A PROPER REDEMPTION ARC FOR HER

UGH IM SUPPOSED TO HATE HER FOREVER

I mean I don't live her now but she's good

but honestly

"mom can I show you something"

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

THE PICTURE AND EVERYTHING OMG

I'm sobbing please help

Gina saying she's just waiting for the right guy and then EJ coming to the airport to pick her up late at night without her asking, offering to bring her back in the morning so she won't have to Uber, bringing her a granola bar (WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE FORGOT TO PACK) and without expecting anything in return???

ms ma'am you've got a keeper right there

her smile at the end was so heartwarming I really can't.

this episode was great.

it felt really short but I liked it, great character development for Ricky, Lynne and Gina.

Cant wait for next episode to see more of EJ being the ideal boyfriend /hj

[po1ypear1]

take it all as it comes. seize the oportunities. listen to your inner voice, and if you don’t hear it, ask.  

Always: Be greatful for the happiness feelings you feel every single day.

Recognize when the right opportunity is before you and say yes. But if you dont, know the boat will come again, and know your reason for missing it.

Plans and day dreams are nice, but let them be free. Watch out for getting too attatched. We prefer general headings.

Remember watching, “How To Be Single” and feeling like this was your time to enjoy being single while in this stage of self descovery. To remember learning how to date, how to talk to people, and how to hold onto your own identify.

Find and Do No Matter Where You Are:

Play with improv people. join a theater group

Take singing lessons. join a choior

Keep making your moon calanders! Study Astrology.

Pole Play Classes. Dance classes

underground bush doof crew

Everything written here has placed a call to me, and is currently waiting, patiently on hold.

Make movies. Research bus channels. Consider yours.

Act/Perform. Read poetry, stories and speaches to people from mobile sets in character.

Sail home for Christmas

Once Home: Set Some Shit Straight:

Impact Invest! Talk to one of those guys who makes your money make money. 

Sort out your taxes, health care, and province of residing. Get GST number for a small, legit paper trail and to justify the cerb minimum income requirements.

Lazer hair removal.  

Time to Get Your Self Some Nice Things: Good quality solar powered phone charging water proof blue tooth multi speaker linkons portable speaker. 

Books: Anatomy for the artist.  A massive “learn to read the stars” astrology book, total “yoga poses” reference guide.  

go shoping and record the items, review and return later. see how they look through the camera’s eye. find the neck lines you like. thin straps. Try less reveiling necklines, they are destracting, people will look, listen and be enchancted by everything else

.Ask grandma and grandpa a hundred questions.

Watch tissue movies with mom.

Visit Royal Pizza

Organize family activities, skating, toboganing, holrac park. Snowboarding trip?  

Propose bio mobile bus/prototype build to dad  

Have a Dance in Golden and visit kyle…  

First summer with the bio-biel. Climb mountains. Serve A Vapassana.  Learn Gin Shin Do from a master. Visit the landing.

Do you still wanna train hop? this is probably a better sooner then later activity.  

Winter town! Seasonal job. Collect thousands of dollars for passing go.

My Karman Line: Learn about starting a business. Event Organizer/Project Manager. Online Careers. How to become a home care assistant.

Stationary Routine breads clarity and focus. New Places are exciting, stimulating, inspiring, and distracting.

Biofuel Home Bus:

MIDNIGHT IDEA* bus so I dont have to pay rent while going to school/studying to get the job that will allow me to work and live around the world. hense vegabonding after bussing. No roommates, no rent, no part time job money worries, small space, less mess, fewer distractions. I can work part time if I want to, not cause I have to. I can be close to school, no comute, close to my kichen, less money spent eating out. I feel the time for study is getting closer.

I like the idea of bus before boat, cause when I get land the bus is home base while I build. Then the bus is safely left on the property. The boat is a little less safe left in the water.

You’d think I would vegabond before biofuel, but i just got a craving…. then I got an incling, “maybe these arnt one time phases.” cause now i got another thought, I'm back to the vegabond route, but a more "stay-awhilebond" feelin. Like hop into communities with the intensión of staying a while, maybe better with this new "normal" places might want you to quarentine. But, boat life, Bus life, House life, Back-pack life. and they keep heluxing round and round. And there’s always new hobbies, interests, self discoveries and purposes. With constant sweet notes of good food, friendship, discovery. And never ending curiosity.

MIDNIGHT VISION: 1 am, drinkin water by the gallon…. a song comes on. I can’t hold it in. The bus bursts open and I pour my heart out down the empty street. Pirouette’s under street lamp spot lights, broken hearts to car hoods. Coming to an hour latter, looking around, ‘where am I?´ Time to choose a walking home song. A small space will be good for me. Forces me to get outta the house.

There’s no correct order, or direct timeline. Remove the 5 hinderances, and listen to what the moon says is best for you right now. Sailing also sounds better with a crew, thanks to Swell, by Liz Clark.

short cut dotted out with Kyle Button: sail the ports and archipelagos, appartment hop the interiors, build in Canada or the perfect place once it’s found.  

Recycle Sailing Fleet. Bee Bike Troup. The little book of Aquireing Knowledge series. 

Vegabond. Live, Work and Study in so many other countries.You can do this after 35 aswell. You can find amazing work oportunities that don’t require the permit, that will sponsor a permit, that wants to marry you. Or you’ll fit into the specialist or exeption section. You’re not necessarily looking for a typical, need a working vissa job anyway. Plus, some countries might not have this restriction, you never looked for your self.

We were talking with Josie the other day and we got on to the different types of lives on the security-adventure scale. For argument sake, we named 4 main ones. The people who never leave the towns they grew up in, the ones who do but settle some where, the ones who move every so often, keeping it fresh and the ones who never stop, who, say live out of a back-pack or travel the world on a bike, throwing them selves into the unknown. When she spoke of these people, my heart fluttered…..  

House sit, wwooff, work-away when the world alows open travel again. And maybe Do it by bike? As few planes as possible. LIVE in the cities of the world, get to know them, be a part of them. Know the public places, the baker on the courner, where the oldest trees and stairs are.

Entreprenuer. Have your own business. Work for your self. See one note Starters.

Homestead. Own Property out right. I will pay for everything up-front, all the money I save on interest by waiting will be trippled by keeping the money invested till there is more then enough for the propert, land and home development. Enough will be left over, and remain invested, to continue growing at a steady, live a comfortable life and travel as I wish, take what ever courses i wish rate.

Raise your kids here, with stability providing safety. Routine creating tradition that will be imprinted in them for ever, every pumpkin pie will make them feel their childhood in fall, and the excitment of starting school again. Let them grow conected to nature and their food. Atleast till 7. Then ask them what they want to do? wanna go to school in the city? wanna live in a bus and travel across the continent? Wanna live in a boat and sail around the world? Please learn another language, spanish is easy and lots of places different to us. 

Maybe kids raised in a bus or on a boat might could also be a good thing. After rocking Nera to sleep, for only less then an hour, it occured to me, a rocking boat or moving bus would be great right now.

Sail around the world with an electric assist bike and a survival libraray

Return to the nice place, with enough acres for privacy, gardens, animals, out door hot tubs, a green house, all within a food forest and be within walking distance of neighbours and a satisfying community hub. Some people watching spots and art events can be a comfortable scooter ride away. maybe this is the same place as the homestead. Maybe my parents are with my by this point.  

Bio Bus. I’ve been in the office 6 months now, and im starting to want a change. Change just might be my nature. So maybe it’s back to the bus. This time with Gatto, Pero, Pollo, bicicleta and creator machines. Traversing the continent selling soaps, teas, hot snacks wrapped in bees wax at ski hills, soaking potions, spa days at tree planter camps and tickets to movie nights.    

BLUE PRINTS:

Movement Space: soft matt 5x5, to emcompass my whole body’s reach in every angle. hand holds ancored into the floor for traction. ropes hanging from the roof for balance, suport. golf and tenis balls for massage.

Kitchen Hacks: design cooking area to be re-panted every few years cause it gets so dam dirty and change is a must. window sills for herbs to grow. sinks with water spouts that fill in the middle and swivel. counters with an over hang so you can sit. lots of different lighting options. Wooden counter top, i hate the sound of everything clanging on marble 

Ideal Community: lots of greenery, big old trees, bike and walk friendly, inviting public spaces, big enough that I want to go out and be apart of it, that i have places and people to visit and watch. A place with seasons. I don´t want to be hot and itchy all year round. A place where people steward the land, and shape it with Peter Pan’s elegant hands. No generic, shitty, fast food joints, only healthy artisian. Beautiful works of arcitecture harmanizing our day to day with nature. No junk advertisments. 

[nezumionice]

HI I JUST GOT BACK FROM A STAR WARS EVENT AND IM ALREADY EXTRA EMOTIONAL BUT I WENT ON INSTAGRAM AND I SAW THIS

MY BRAIN CANT EVEN FUNCTION PROPERLY OKAY THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SO HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS THAT CAREERED THROUGH MY MIND AS I WAS SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC: (BEWARE OF LONG, INSANELY MESSY RANT POST UNDER THE CUT. AGAIN. FORGIVE ME. I AM VERY VERY TIRED. it’s been a long day.)

- i took quite a while trying to find tina because i couldn’t spot her iconic hairstyle and then i finally found her and i was like oh my GOD she looks like hope van dyne from ant man with those bangs but SHE LOOKS SO ADORABLE ANYWAYS OHMY TGWFHDGASJDHOW

- whY IS IT SO DARK LIkE EVERYONE IS IN DARk CLOTHES EVEN QUEENIE AND THIS SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME

- newt looks exactly the same as when we last saw him and i love it

- okay guys seriously can we appreciate tina and queenie wearing BLACK

- queenie’s hair is the bomb.com

- LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GETTING LETA X THESEUS AFTER ALL FOLKS

- IT TOOK ME A FULL MINUTE TO FIND CREDENCE IN THE CROWD BECAUSE DAMN BOI HE LOOKIN GUD

- again, holy shit THE THEME COLOURS OF THIS MOVIE IS KILLING ME I LOVE IT SO DAMN MUCH ASDFGHJKL

- who the fuck is beside credence and half hugging him because i feel like im going to end up shipping them really hard by the end of the movie

- I LOVE HOW EVERYONE IS ARRANGED HERE IT’S PRESUMABLE ACCORDING TO LOVE INTERESTS BECAUSE JAKWEENIE, (HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM SO EXCITED FOR) NEWTINA, AND THE WAY LETA AND THESEUS ARE POSITIONED LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE PRETTY CLOSE

- AND GELLERT AND ALBUS ARE LIKE OPPOSITE EACH OTHER SO IM ASSUMING THAT SYMBOLISES THEYRE BROKEN, DISTANT RELATIONSHIP HOLY FUCK

- thank god leta is pretty far away from newt

- actually it’s so interesting that newt, tina and leta’s positions form a triangle and it symbolises a love triangle between the three of them, at least until theseus steps in

- ALSO THE TRIANGLE FORMED BETWEEN NEWT, TINA AND THESEUS IS ANOTHER LOVE TRIANGLE EYYYY THIS IS INTERESTING

- oh my god yall now i am ike 200% sure we’re getting a newtina kiss in this movie which is fucking brilliant because the sooner that happens, the sooner they get married and the more newtina content will be in store for us

- ok but i have to admit leta looks fucking amazing here like her hair and her dress are like WOWOOWOW

- credence looks so much better than we last saw him he’s dressed all fancy and shit

- gellert looks so goth and swag i cannot he might as well put on a pair of shades (he reminds me of punk eleven from stranger things s2 lol)

- albus looks so fucking done with everyone’s shit

- the way leta and theseus look at each other tho dammit i think i might end up shipping them too

- my god their actions also hint at their relationship status in the movie like for example, tina looks at newt and newt doesnt see this, but when she looks away, newt looks at her and SHE misses it; that probably means that they both love each other but they think the other doesnt feel the same fUCKING HELL THAT’S SO ADORABLE

- i think we’re going to get a lot of these kind of frustrating, “oh my god just say i love you already” moments between newtina in the movie and i dont think im physically or emotionally ready for that

- OKAY I REWATCHED THE CLIP AGAIN AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST NOTICED THAT TINA HAS DRAPED HERSELF PROTECTIVELY AROUND NEWT’S SUITCASE AND THAT IS OFFICIALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IVE EVER SEEN (I AM SURE NEWT WOULD AGREE)

- the physical contact between jacob and queenie could mean an already established romantic relationship between them and i am damn sure that it’s what we’ll be seeing in the movie

- so. many. romantic. relationships. i. cannot.

- i swear the way theyre dressed looks like they’re at a funeral and i still can’t get over the fact that queenie is in BLACK wtf

- OKAY BUT THE TRANSITION AND THE SMOKEY DEATHLY HALLOWS THO

- THE TITLE REVEAL HAD ME HOLLERING MY THROAT INSIDE OUT

- words cannot express how insanely excited i am for this movie

- i guess we just upgraded from “FBAWTFT” to “FBTCOG” (well, that’s not the brightest name, but i doubt it’s a very bright movie anyway)

- “fantastic beasts: the crimes of grindelwald”... my first thought about this is that we’re definitely going to see a shitload more badass tina on a literal witchhunt for grindelwald and his followers

- if grindelwald escapes prison, i wonder how he does it and maybe that ‘s how our heroes are brought together again??

- okay istg if tina gets hurt newt is gonna flip shit

- OKAY ISTG IF NEWT GETS HURT TINA IS GONNA CUT SOME BITCHES UP

- i had this idea some time ago that since grindelwald was trying to get credence on his side, what if he was hunting for obscurials to make an army of them so that he’d be feared through the wizarding world, since everyone is so terrified of obscurials

- WHAT IF HE ALREADY HAS A SECRET STASH OF THEM SOMEWHERE AND THAT’S HOW HE BREAKS OUT OF PRISON

- oh my god what if gellert was detained in azkaban? that would make sirius the first person to escape from there since grindelwald’s time

- YALL IF GRINDELWALD GETS TO CREDENCE AND LIKE TORTURES HIM OR USES THE IMPERIUS CURSE ON HIM TO MAKE HIM JOIN HIS ARMY BITCH ISTG I WILL STAB SOMEONE

- OMFG WHAT IF macusa knows that grindelwald has been gathering an army of obscurials, so tina and her fellow aurors were tasked to go on a mission to locate these obscurials first and protect them from his influence, AND ONE ONE MISSION TINA FINDS OUT THAT CREDENCE HAS BEEN LIKE POSSESSED OR SOMETHING AND TRIED TO KILL HER (THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE A PRETTY GOOD START TO THE MOVIE)

- imagine her being so distressed about it that she completely overworks herself on the case

- my god so since newt knew that credence was alive, tina would be like “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME” and she’s be mad at him and CONFLICT ENSUES MMMM YESSS

- so much sweet angsty conflict gimme all of it

- or if tina just completely breaks down because she couldnt save credence or something NEWT WOULD COMFORT HER AND THERE WE HAVE A POTENTIAL SETUP FOR A KISS

- omg wait isnt there gonna be wizarding circus in this next movie? and that asian girl beside credence was one of the circus performers right??? SO WHAT IF CREDENCE WAS HIDING OUT IN THIS CIRCUS ALL ALONG?? AND HE FELL IN LOVE WITH HER OR SOMETHING??? SHIT I THINK I ALREADY SHIP IT

- what do you think is credence’s role at the circus? is he a performer? what kind? what does he do??

- just LOOKING at newt and tina makes me think of how the first kiss will go. is it a spurr of the moment kiss? a good luck kiss before tina leaves for battle? a grateful, “thank merlin you’re alive” kiss after the battle? a sweet, gentle kiss by a fireplace? a hesitant one where newt makes the first move and pulls back before tina jams her mouth to his?

- i swear we need at least one “i’m so glad you’re safe” reunion embrace between newt and tina okay holy shit

- why do i feel like we are in for a lot of pain, angst and a sprinkle of death in this movie

- but i am also 90% sure gellert will be a way more interesting villain than voldemort will ever be

- okay callum turner looks GOOD as theseus but i will never stop wishing that benedict cumberbatch should have been cast instead

- omg guys the cast is pretty representative this time like we have quite a few POCs

- this movie is going to be SUCh an emotional rollercoaster okay my heart is going to BLEED WITH IT

- it’s going to be deeper, darker, so much more dangerous and i swear i think someone is going to die i am sure of it

- i will emerge from the movie theatre with 9468363649364936400324920347207 new ships and my eyes still pooling with emotion

- wait where’s seraphina

- shit guys if she dies im going to scream

- ok but i really want tina to become like president of macusa or like seraphina’s right hand woman or something,, at least i want her to be the same rank as theseus

- then newt would have bragging rights; “my wife is the president of macusa”

- lmao i brotp ship tina and theseus i can imagine them as drinking buddies

- yall if grindelwald lays a single finger on newt’s case i am going to release all of hell on that man if tina doesn’t do it first

- lmfao i love that everyone is dressed so fancy and then there’s newt who’s just there like “hey guys i’m here in my dusty coat which you’ve seen before because this is the only thing i ever wear” and if that ain’t the most newt thing he’d do

- imagine if recycling clothes is just a bad habit newt has always had, and even after newt and tina get married, the habit is carried alonge, until eventually tina forces him to wear something different every few days because she thinks it’s gross

- imagine adorable husband and wife banters ahh

- also how will newt react to tina’s new hairstyle?

- well dumbledore doesnt look as eccentric as he does in the HP movies hmmm

- and they said he’ll be openly gay in this movie so i’m excited to see how that goes ;))

- we’re in for an interesting reunion of gellert and albus ooooo

well that’s all i have for now it’s like 12am here lmao im exhausted and i havent had dinner. i’m so excited for all the fanfics and fanart im sure some of you are cooking up based on this clip. looking forward to seeing/reading them!!!

FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME OR SOMETHING IF YOU HAVE MORE THOUGHTS YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE, ALL COMMENTS AND OPINIONS ARE APPRECIATED :DD 

[this-is-where-i-write-stuff]

You get me on a different level you have no idea how much i relate. Id like to start by thanking you because this is really motivating and i should start doing that again with my goals. Whenever i tried it lately i failed and you reminded me it actually works if you commit!

And secondly yasss!!! Im so happy for you that you are getting better at it and setting the habit! I know perfectionism can be thaugh(how the heck do you spell that?) and this is a really good way to deal with it.

When things mean a lot to me i tend to feel the same way as you described. It's like super stressful because i want it to mean something and i want it to be just right and im so critical of myself it all feels terrible. What does help me is letting go of this idea of being great the first time and just celebrating the fact i put in the effort and im doing my best and getting better!

I just felt so anxious when I sat down to write. I can't logically reason with it, [...] but writing just...hurt. I was never happy with what I wrote and I was always stressed out when writing.

[...] maybe it was because I was pressuring myself to fulfil my vision so much. To follow the perfect outlined plan, to live up to the images inside my head. To my own made up idea of being a writer when I can't imagine not being one.

And it's scary, i feel the same way about music and performing, if that's the thing you want it could be paralysing, eventhough it's not logical.

So here's where i disagree with you about the bad draft concept: for me telling myself "okay, this might be good and in that case- great. But this could also suck and that's okay" eases out those fears. Cuz worse case scenario i """""waisted""""" a session. But the truth is, i gained more skill and even maybe the start of something great by writing something crappy then i would if i procrastinated and felt bad about myself because i was scared. Because i felt like it HAS to be perfect immediately.

So in a way it's lowering the stakes and it's not as scary anymore. Like you said youve been writing every day for only 2 weeks and you already see an improvement. Tell me, does it really matter if you made a masterpiece during those 2 weeks? Or does it still have meaning even if absolutly everything you wrote was terrible? I beleive that regardless of the quality of it it builds the foundation for something great. More than once an idea ive had but couldnt find the right words for was used in so many bad songs before it became the theme for one of ny favorute songs i ever wrote. And it's funny because i completely forget about it, im reminded of it if i look through my writings, suddenly a similar sentence catches my eye and im like "wait i didnt even realise i was doing that" it's truely like recycling but it becomes better every time.

Actually i think ive learned that from art. There are so many exercises where youre drawing one thing, then you start over but with a time limit, then you start over but with a shorter time limit. Or the drawing gets tinuer every time. And each and every one of them helps you focus on teh important things and builds your skill. Eventhough it's less detailed the 3rd time it's often more certain and polished. Because you learn to recognize the key elements and the "personality" of what you're trying to create".

I think that's very interesting and applies to many things and especially writing. But back to the draft thing

dont tell yourself it's "meant to be bad", it's not. It's also not meant to be great tho. That's way too stressful to think about. It's just meant to be. That's it. All it has to do is being. Cuz it's the first step and often the hardest one, after that you can worry about changing what you dont like but at first you just let it be.

That's my advice, it helped me get over fear of failure countless times and frankly learn a lot of skills too, eventhough i am still very self critical.

I also wonder if i could really do this, and idk your situation but personally rn i cant really do anything but try to because i cant work anywhere and i basically have months of nothing until i get drafted to the army. Which is very weird cuz all my freinds are already drafting(im a lil younger), i always thought I'd get to work or learn how to drive during this time but now i can't so i better use this time to prove myself i can work towards my dreams.

And i got nothing to lose here cuz i already stuck at home without much to do so instead of thinking it's too big for me (does that phrase work in english?idk it's almost 4 am) i just do what i can i guess. Are you in a similar situation or are you doing uni atm? Balancing between school and passion projects can be tiering sometimes!

I hope that helps! I had a lot of fun reading your thoughts about the topic, what do you think?

Happy (late) sts! What's your writing routine? Do you have a regular word count/ hour goal? Do you plan what you write in advance?

I didn't really have a writing routine at the time of this ask XD. So thank you for asking, here is a very late answer!

Since 1st September 2020 I have given myself a special goal - write every day for 30 days straight to build a writing habit.

I just felt so anxious when I sat down to write. I can't logically reason with it, I love daydreaming and I love planning and creating character arcs and the world, and I had an outline I was happy with but writing just...hurt. I was never happy with what I wrote and I was always stressed out when writing.

And then I thought that maybe it was because I was pressuring myself to fulfil my vision so much. To follow the perfect outlined plan, to live up to the images inside my head. To my own made up idea of being a writer when I can't imagine not being one.

I wasn't getting anywhere. And if writing really turned out not being for me, it was time to find out.

So I made the goal of writing every day at least 300 words. I chose to write notes and thoughts, a stream of consciousness kind of writing to not feel stressed out by the story and just concentrate on the act itself. I wrote these entries as letters to my fave fictional character to touch on some kind of emotional truth inside myself - an advice from Gayle Foreman.

My goal is 300 words a day at the least. I write 500-600 on average and 1000-1500 on a good day.

It doesn't take me more than 10 minutes. I can write 300 words in 5 when I have something to say. But the long ones I really enjoy and lose myself in. I relax. I listen to myself and talk. I record my thoughts. About my day. The story. Something that made an impact or hurt me or made me smile. Something meaningful. Something average. I started to look forward to those few minutes of writing. I became faster in the last 2 weeks. I needed 40 minutes for the 500 words before. Now I need 10. I realized a lot of useful stuff about my characters and stories. Some letters are just plain wip brainstorming as a I follow where my thoughts take me, trying to match the typing speed with my brain. I realized a lots of stuff this way. I grew fond of the lines. I'm proud of many of them.

This exercises reminded me how much I love writing. The act itself. The joy of finding the right word for the emotion going through me, the word plays, the expressions. I'm known to be able to name things, to identify the unspeakable, to explain the unimaginable. This love for words, for discussions, for meaning followed me my whole life.

I'm a creature of meaning. I don't do things randomly. I loved essays in school, defining the themes in literature, discussing movies after seeing them. I love themes and symbols and metaphors. I do things because they mean something. I do things for fun though, cause fun is what often makes them meaningful.

That's why advice like don't worry about your first draft, it's meant to be bad doesn't work for me. Every fiber of my being resents that sentence. I won't write something I expect to be bad. That isn't a relaxing thought at all, it's despicable to me. I'm a chronic perfectionist. I look for meaning. I don't do things halfway.

That's why writing a story as important to me as 5th Magic became excruciating. On one hand it felt meaningful on the other I felt awful pressure. It froze me inside. Paralyzed me from writing.

It seems the key for me is to find the right balance between pressure and relaxation. Confidence and fear, excitement and discipline. Something that feels important but not chokingly so.

I'm not sure how to go about this when writing Stormkeeper. I know I like following through with a plan. That I like keeping promises to myself. That I can force myself to write every day in the worst mood and enjoy it in the end or look forward to it the whole day, when 1k words isn't enough. I know I love writing. And I have a story to tell.

But how I will go about writing it for real? Who knows? Story is a bit different than letters, plot different than diaries. But I feel on the right path right now at least. If anyone has any ideas though I'm still looking for a tip that will work XD.

[iamthechocobabe]

A True Nightmare

I figured after the Episode Ignis trailer, we all needed some Ardyn getting his ass kicked a bit (though keep in mind there’s only so much poor Mallory can do). Don’t be put off by the creepy vibes at first of the chapter, Mallory’s gonna show this asshole who’s boss by the end (and NO, not in that way guys-NOT AN ARDYN LOVE STORY, ‘member?) 

Sorry that it’s a little long, but it’s been going way too slow for me and I wanted to get the story going already. Oh well, what’s done is done, I guess. 

Tagging the Senpais: @roses-and-oceans @bespectacled-girl @nifwrites @cupnoodle-queen @themissimmortal @gladiolus-mamacitia 

A True Nightmare

~Chapter 4~ SFW Word Count: 3,885

Mallory was trying her hardest not to appear cynical as Noctis looked at the car with a forlorn look; obviously, this car meant a lot to the crowned prince and his friends seemed to understand that, but Mallory was having a hard time fighting the urge to go up to him and yell 'it's just a CAR'. 

Boys and their cars, I guess-Mallory thought. 

A far off explosion lighting up the night sky got Mallory's attention and the realization hit that they had absolutely no idea where they were. Mallory had to drive a different route to get into Gralea and she only knew the one route, but how were they supposed to find their way through Gralea without a map? Mallory cursed herself for not going with instinct and packing a map with her, telling herself that she knew the way and that it was just a waste of space. It was a fucking piece of paper, Mallory, you had room. 

"Where to now?" Mourning was over, apparently and the three joined Mallory as she stared at a street sign, trying to get her bearings. As if sensing her confusion, Ignis spoke with a slight tilt of the head to better focus his hearing. "You do know where we're going, correct?" 

"That is an excellent question," Mallory mumbled, wanting to kick herself as she tried to piece together the last time she had been to Gralea and to Zegnautus. A piece of FUCKING PAPER, Mallory, what the hell is wrong with you?

"You didn't bring a map? What kind of an 'assassin' are you?" 

"Shut up for a sec, yeah?" Mallory didn't glance at Gladio as she fished out her disposable flip phone from her backpack, shooting a quick text. Got lost, am at Crysallis Ave., how do I get to Z. from here? Closing the phone, Mallory waited, hoping and praying that the response would be quick, partially because Mallory knew if it was that she got out all right. 

"You're texting? Who are you texting?" Noctis sighed exasperatedly and tugged on a few ends of his hair. "That's it, we're dead," 

"She's a friend, and if you want to go die in a corner somewhere, by all means, please do," Mallory was beginning to lose her patience with these guys (minus Ignis, who didn't really seem too judgmental of Mallory, just observant), but ignored it when her phone buzzed and a little mail icon showed up on the front screen where the clock usually was. 

Wait where r u plz dont tell me ur in Nflhm. 

Relief flooded through; the knowledge of one of Mallory's closest friends being safe was like a thousand pound weight being dropped off. But when Mallory read the words, a bad feeling began to grow in her stomach as she responded. Didnt u get my txts

No wait There was a short pause before the texts started flooding Mallory's phone, so fast that Mallory didn't have time to read a text before another one popped up on her screen. 

mal get out serisly shits bad u need 2 go chncllrs gone crzy mts & daemons evrywhr ppl r missing

Well, this was bad-people missing and MT's roaming the streets? Mallory sensed this was a bit more than a coincidence, blowing a piece of hair from her eyes and typed as fast as she could with the old fashioned phone. cant exactly get out now am stuck need 2 get 2 Z. help me out here

A few seconds went by, Mallory tapping her foot impatiently the whole time, when the phone buzzed again. 

u die on me Mal I swear 2 Gods go on crysallis til u get 2 casey dr. go right til u get 2 train tracks follow train tracks military entrnce thre

Mallory sighed, stress and oncoming panic dropping from her shoulders as she looked at the three with new found confidence about where to go. "Head down the road," She explained the directions before they all started following, Ignis occasionally faltering as they maneuvered the road designated for shipping containers. When they reached the railroad tracks, practically destoryed with train cars and shipping containers that laid askew around the tracks, Mallory shot a quick text. Thx Ky owe u

u wont owe me if ur dead b carful

Snickering, Mallory put the phone in her backpack just as they reached a stray train car carefully and barely propped on some debris with a small gap underneath that would give the four enough crawling space. Despite how the thing looked like it was the tiniest nudge away from collapsing, Noctis was already half way under there and Mallory quickly reached forward and pulled him back. She didn't necessarily mean to make the crown prince fall on his butt, but he glared all the same. 

"What?" Noctis stood up, dusting the dirt from his pants like a little kid with a grumpy face to match. 

"MT's are probably guarding the fortress," She didn't mean to sound snippy, but this was basic shit 101 and Mallory was starting to feel more and more like a babysitter every minute. Tired and irritated, Mallory went over to a broken side ladder on the train car before gesturing to Gladio. "Give me a boost and I'll see what we're dealing with here," 

"Isn't that dangerous?" Gladio asked the question, but maybe he figured there was no point in arguing with her because he just bent down and linked his fingers together so Mallory could boost herself up to the ladder and start climbing. 

"When are you assholes going to figure out that I can take care of myself?" Grumbling was always a thing Mallory hated to do, she hated sounding whiny and grumpy. People already thought she was a grouch because of the way she looked and her naturally stern eyes, she didn't need constant bitching to help her in that department. Working with these three, she was starting to remember why she preferred working assignments and stuff by herself, only occasionally teaming up with Aranea. 

Still, Mallory had bigger things to worry about, especially when she reached the top of the traincar. 

"How many are there?" Noctis called up, but Mallory couldn't find an answer. Confusion clouded her brain as she processed what was easily the most popular entrance into the fortress, aside from the main entrance. "Mallory?" 

Shaking her head, Mallory forced herself to respond, though it came out as choked as she was trying to piece everything together. "Nothing. There's no one here," 

No one. One of the most used entrances into Zegnautus, and not a soul was in sight, no one to guard the most heavily guarded megafortress in the world. The whole thing reeked of wrong, something definitely off, but what could it be? What reason could the fortress have to possibly leave itself defenseless? 

"What's going on?" 

She was so focused that she barely noticed Noctis popping up from under the train car-just as she shouted for him to get back, Noctis had accidentally knocked into a bar, which was apparently the only thing holding the train car up, as the moment it was loose the car decided now was the time to fall. Failing to keep her footing, Mallory soon tumbled down the side of the car, winding up stuck on the ground, separated from the others by derailed train cars and shipping containers. 

"Guys?" Mallory shot up to her feet, checking around her for enemies with her gun while calling out. "Anyone?" 

There was no answer, but Mallory swore she could hear vague yelling and running feet, so she continued to yell, hoping her words would reach someone. "If you guys can hear me, head into Zegnautus-on the thirteenth floor is a common area with a cafeteria. Meet me there!" 

"On the thirteenth floor is a common area with a cafeteria. Meet me there!”

Ardyn heard his own breath inhale rather than feel it-the same thing had happened when he saw Aryelle appear on top of the train car, hearing himself suck his breath in rather than feel it. The little trick he had when he showed Aryelle the memory of how they met didn't seem to phase this Aryelle, other than seeming to confuse her, but he was determined...of what, he still wasn't quite sure. Every time he saw her, despite how she was much more stern than the Aryelle he knew, he wanted to see her, to know her, to make her see him. 

And as he stood up to head to the common area in the megafortress, his promise of so many years ago rang in his ears. You will know my redemption. 

A furious kick to the stubborn vending machine gave Mallory what she wanted, a simple can of Ebony. While she hated coffee, despised the bitter taste, the past days of being on a train to Gralea with little to no sleep due to nerves was making her exhausted. She figured she needed the extra caffeine to keep herself on her feet, she just hated the fact that the stubborn machine ate up the last of her gil without giving her what she wanted. A little kick showed that machine what, though the stinging in Mallory's ankle was making her regret her rash decision. 

The bitter taste made her want to gag, but Mallory forced it down her throat before crumbling the can and disposing of it in a recycle bin (why there was a recycle bin in the most industrial place in Niflheim, Mallory would never know). She scooted up onto a picnic bench style table and tried to force herself to relax, though the blaring red light and the rustling of daemon feet in the hallways outside was making it difficult to do so. 

She had managed to clear out the common area fairly easily, as there were only a few daemons in the room when she got there. Mallory left the big metal doors to the common area unlocked, but she would still tense anytime a scurry of feet would approach the door, then sigh with relief as the feet scurried away. But it had been almost three hours of waiting and Mallory was starting to get worried. 

More footsteps-this time, though, the foot falls were different-rather than being hasty, or sloppy (depending on the daemon on the other side), these were careful foot steps and they were definitely human. But Mallory could feel, almost know that the prince and his entourage would not have been walking so lazily down the hallway and stop casually in front of the door, neither opening it nor locking it. Just stand there-whoever this person was, Mallory had a feeling they knew she was in there. 

Reaching for her gun once again, Mallory scooted off the table and carefully placed her feet on the floor. 

Only the floor was different-the common area had grating all throughout the floor, but the floor was now suddenly smooth, like marble. The texture (or lack thereof) from the floor caused Mallory to look down, only to see grey marble flooring versus the common areas grating that looked to some of the prison cells below. 

Naturally, Mallory looked up-only she wasn't in the common area anymore. 

Red blinking lights and sirens were replaced with a peaceful and calm hallway exterior, with the same grey, old fashioned marble decorating the walls. Paintings and ceiling high windows gave the place almost a homely look and now, Mallory couldn't help but feel panic growing in her stomach. 

Mallory had been so on edge, so on the run since the train that she honestly hadn't even had time to think of the weird vision of the barn and the red haired man. Now she was forced to face the reality that maybe the stress was making her lose her mind, maybe years of taking care of Ari and constant close calls with death had finally made Mallory's mind snap. 

Foot steps-again, only behind her. They brought Mallory out of the panic and she whirled around to aim her gun behind her, only there wasn't a soul in sight. There was only the peaceful hallway and...Mallory could hear it again. The humming. A four note lullaby, the same four notes hummed over and over again and it might have been peaceful in different circumstances. 

Walking carefully down the hallway, checking behind her back every few feet to make sure no one was behind her, Mallory shouldn't have honestly noticed the paintings. But there they were and the sight made Mallory stop, partially in awe and partially in fear. 

The paintings on the walls were all the same and they were all of...Mallory? 

No, it was someone who looked just like her. Mallory's hair was the same shade of dark black, but the woman in the painting's hair was longer, stretching down to her waist in long waves. Her facial features were the same, though, with her slightly pointed nose, her heart shaped lips and high cheekbones. Of course, the eyes-the same, mysterious and deep dark green, an almost unworldly color that had been in her family for years and years. 

Mallory instinctively backed away, the woman's eyes almost following her as she tried to leave when something stopped her dead in her tracks. Eyes widening, Mallory leaned forward, positive she was seeing things. 

On the woman's wrist was what looked like a soulmate mark...but it wasn't any mark. 

It was just like Mallory's on her left shoulder, the same shape with the same points, just in a different spot. 

"Aryelle," 

That name again...looking over, Mallory saw the same red haired man again coming down the corridor, only this time he looked a little older-a little meaner too, with a confident and smug look versus the man from the barn, who was young with an easy smile who seemed almost naive. But when he met Mallory's gaze, his golden irises almost softened, though the smug smile he wore was still bitter and cold as he approached. 

When he came within five feet, Mallory instinctively back up and aimed her gun at the man, though he just chuckled at the sight of a gun aimed between his eyes. 

"How different you are now...I suppose it doesn't matter, does it?" With a long and deep sigh, the man turned to the painting and gazed with a wonder and love that only his eyes shown at the woman in the painting. "She was just like the soulmate mark on her wrist...a star. Beautiful to look at, but unattainable to the human touch," With the same look of fondness in his eyes, but still not in the rest of his face, the man touched the back of his fingers gently to the woman in the painting's face, gently stroking the canvas. 

Mallory shivered, swearing she could feel icy cold fingers against her cheek. "What's happening to me?" The whisper was more of a question for herself than anyone else, but the man turned his attention away from the painting to focus once again on her. 

"I promised that day that I would show you and everyone my redemption...at last, that day has come," With a grand sweep, the man knelt before her, his warm and loving golden irises in the cold face gazing at Mallory. She tried to shake the foggy feeling out of her mind, but she couldn't, couldn't fight the odd sense of longing in her stomach and the race of her heartbeat. She knew logically that none of this made sense, that she didn't know this man, but she still found herself crouching down beside him. She still felt her heart flutter like crazy when he grazed the back of his cold fingers along her cheek. 

"Aryelle," he whispered, inching closer and closer with each word he spoke. "My soul...my half...my star...my life..." 

He was so close that she could smell a bitter stench of cologne, could feel the hot stinking breath on her face, but she couldn't force herself to stand up. Couldn't force herself to think as he slowly closed his eyes as a single phrase chanted in her head. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. This is wrong. 

But she still felt her eyes closing, but was somehow able to fight the draw to close her eyes when a brilliant blue object appeared just over the man's shoulder. 

A blue feather? 

A biting cold and snowy wind almost knocked Mallory off her feet and onto her bottom, but she steadied herself with the palms of her hands as she stayed crouched. The man and the peaceful corridor was gone, but it was replaced by the whiteness of a snow storm, the cold biting into her skin and if she wasn't questioning her sanity, Mallory would have been relieved that she was wearing her winter coat. 

"What's happening to me?!?!" Mallory didn't even hear her own scream over the wind of the storm, but she was too frozen and panicked to care at this point. 

Because the image of Ari, alone in a cold and sunless world with no one to protect her, flooded Mallory's mind. The image of Ari panicking as daemon's surrounded her wouldn't leave Mallory and she screamed with no one but the wind to hear. Her sister, unable to function, now alone in this world, unable to defend herself...

Because of Mallory-her lack of sanity. While she always knew that her missions were dangerous, she always had the confidence to come back home to her sister. She figured if she did die, it would be because of a shot to the head. 

Not because she had lost her mind. 

Through the white blanket of snow and sleet, a sudden image appeared. The image waved and moved, almost like a window curtain flapping in the wind, but Mallory could clearly see snippets of something happening in the image. Almost like watching a TV, Mallory watched the red headed man make grand flourishes to King Regis, making promises of peace and tranquility, but going back to the Empire to signal the attack on Insomnia. Mallory cringed as the man bent down by the oracle with a cold and cynical look, sinking a dagger into her stomach as Lady Lunafreya's eyes went wide in pain and fear. Mallory wanted to claw her own ears out at hearing Ignis Scientia's screams of pain at being blinded by the man, his cold and smug look never once going away as he smiled like he enjoyed bringing so much pain to someone. She wanted to cry as she watched the man taunt and mock a young blonde boy as he sat on the ground and practically sobbed, though she didn't know over what. 

All that pain and misery...brought on by this man. 

A hand grabbed onto her left wrist, squeezing so tightly that the bones might snap underneath as the snow storm melted away and somehow, Mallory knew she was back in reality. The man was back, only he now appeared angry as he tightened the hold on Mallory's wrist. A blue, ethereal glow made his eyes look almost black as he tried to yank Mallory beside her, despite her resistance as she placed her palm on the cold, metal grating of the floor below her. 

"Aryelle," The man hissed, his voice dripping with the venom of a snake as a dark, oozing blackness started to appear from him. "Come to me," 

It was at that moment that Mallory realized that this man, the person from her visions, was a person of pure and horrific evil. She didn't know what he wanted with her and she didn't care, she only knew she had to escape. With quick reflexes she had learned over years of dangerous missions, she grabbed the switchblade out of her back pocket, flipped it up and sank the knife into the man's leg, right beneath his knee cap. A simple twist and pull popped the knee cap out of place, though the man didn't roar like others she had performed the trick on had. But he did flinch and hiss through his teeth, clearly in pain as Mallory left the blade forgotten in his knee and stood up to run away. 

"Mallory!" Gladiolus, Ignis and a young blonde boy, the one from the snow storm vision, appeared behind her, all of them out of breath as they looked at the man pulling the knife out of his knee. "Where's Noct?" Gladiolus asked her. 

Mallory shook her head, sure confusion was as clear on her face as it felt. "I thought he was with you guys," 

"We sent him on torwards the crystal," Ignis explained with his eyes cast ahead, not really focusing on anything due to his blindness. "We were surrounded-has he absorbed the power from the crystal yet?" 

"He's gone," 

The four turned their attention to the man as he straightened up, looking almost un-bothered now despite his knee being severely damaged. He turned and focused his smug gaze at the group, but he focused on Mallory, his body framed by the blue glow from the crystal behind him. "I'm afraid you won't be seeing your friend again for quite sometime," 

"What?" Confusion and whiplash from being jerked around from so many places in the span of what felt like less than ten minutes clouded Mallory's mind, but she didn't have time to react as Gladiolus summoned his broadsword and swung it at the man with a roar and the blonde boy shot him twice in the back, the man falling with his hat rolling casually away. 

"Die, motherfucker," The blonde boy whispered, his voice choked with tears. 

"He's not dead," the words left Mallory's mouth before she really understood them, not sure how she knew he wasn't dead. And sure enough, he wasn't, as he stood up with his fedora and placed it casually on his head before turning and looking at Mallory and she almost wanted to scream at what she saw. 

The man was almost daemon like now, the whites in his eyes now inky black and oozing, making the bright golden irises stand out in contrast. His face and skin was now pale and cracked in several places, like a broken china doll and he now looked as evil as he was. 

"You will know my redemption, Aryelle," The words were fueled with anger and bitterness, but he didn't stay to explain what it meant as he simply strolled to the elevator, leaving the four alone in one of the capitals of magitek industries. 

It felt like the air returned to the room the minute the doors to the elevator closed and Mallory gasped and began to pant, not realizing before she had been holding her breath. As she collected herself, she realized she felt something wet and thick on her hand. 

Mallory prided herself on being calm and collected even in the grimmest of situations, but when she saw the man's daemon like black and oozy blood covering her hand from where she stabbed him, the scream she let loose practically echoed throughout all of Gralea. 

[oajpw5f3-blog]

Teen health insurance for a baby?

Teen health insurance for a baby?

I am expecting a baby on the way and I am a teen, but I am also getting married in December, would I still be qualified for Medicaid? Or would I have to look somewhere else? We both have low income and we re kinda lost.

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[damein-the-reaper-blog]

I recently moved to California it is nice an all but the people I moved up here with I just want to sock.

Let me explain. I came up here with $700. Only $100 went to gas. One of the two, which is a couple, paid the same. Which was nice. I didn’t have to waste $200 on gas. Then I spent about close to $300 on food since at the time I didn’t have food stamps. The rest was spend on weed for them. Yes I know probably wondering why I did so. The guy has back problems and weed helps him not feel it. Understandable. I’m also a nice guy. So I gave them the money. What upset me is that they don’t know how to conserve the weed. It was about $300 in weed that probably lasted less than a month. And it wasnt a full here is $300. I gave them that in totally within a month. See what I mean? Yes I could have said no. But his back problems are so bad that he will puke. I can’t stand that AT ALL. So of course no matter what I will step forward. Of course he paid me back in gas money and little bit of weed for myself at the time. Which is fine. But over the time I have been here. He has asked about 5 more times for weed money. He gets money checks for his back. And most of it also went towards weed. So I spent another $300 on them. That in totally is $600. I COULD HAVE HAD THAT FUCKING SAVED FOR BILLS. I’m not upset about what was already paid back. I’m just now realizing that they owe me close to $250. And here I was thinking he only owed me $60. And I know the guy isnt this dense to not realize this.

But thats not all.

About 3 times he said we ALL, meaning all three of us, should start growing a pair and keep the guest house clean. We use the dishes. I said every time that I have been waiting on them cause I was cleaning up after them. I did the dishes, I took their trash and put it in the trash bin, put their recycling in bags, as well as clean the porch of their dishes and trash, and sweeped everywhere. I’m a person that would keep a hotel as nice as they present it so that the cleaners wouldn’t have to do much or even nothing at all.

The guy proposed that since me and his gf work that he will be house bitch. His words not mine. So I was holding him up to it. And most of the time the guest house was fucking disgusting. Of course I blew up about it. Yet he twisted it around and was mad I was coming at him. I tried explained my past to him and either I was cut off and he explained his past or he wasnt really listening. And at the end he said he wanted to sock me for blowing up. Yes I could have not come at him the way I did. But can you blame me? I have a past of being a shadow to everyone and mostly stepped on by others. And most of the time already spend up here was cleaning up after them. And he wants to say that? I know he isnt dense. It was obvious 100% that they were using me.

Then later I thought everything was cool. Hoping that stopped them from stepping over me. And that we are on neutral ground and that we all equally keep the guest house clean. But the dishes was still mostly in the sink and the counters littered with trash. I ignored it cause I wasn’t going to clean up after them anymore. I expected them to understand that after my outburst of cleaning up after them. Me still stupid and not realizing they think themselves as entitled. Showed them where I was keeping my snacks and said they could eat certain ones. They were good about it. After everything was eaten. I got more and it was mostly towards chocolate this time. And stuff was disappearing. I am a sweet tooth but my teeth are sensitive so I can’t eat them as fast as they were disappearing. I did yell at them twice about it. And I was blamed. Saying I probably ate it and forgot. I immediately knew that was an excuse.

Also about 2 or 3 months ago I suggested that I would like to go to bed at 8 pm. So that I can get up early. They agreed. At the time I didn’t really care cause I felt free and that I can do what I want. My room was their living room cause I had the ps4. Once I started realizing that the past doesnt matter anymore I started noticing things. That they weren’t keep my room clean and that they were staying in my room till 1 or 2 in the morning. Me wanting to be a morning person and wanting to get up early was starting to get annoying. Cause I was being forced to stay up. So I asked them to leave at 10. That is two hours past the agreed time. They agreed to that yet still was pushing past the new time. They go to the porch afterwards anyways. I didn’t see the big deal they were making it be that they desperately needed to be in my room. I asked them again more firmly that they need to leave at 10 and they should be keeping my room clean. They were doing it but was doing so half assed. Some trash was still on the ground. Not all their dishes were taken. Their cans weren’t put up. Most of the trash that were in my trash cans were overfilling and theirs. As well as the bags for the cans were overfilling. I also noticed someone was still eating my snacks. All of that showed they had no respect towards me. And the guy wants to talk about trust. They lost my trust once they started walking over me and doing as they please. So I wrote rules down.

All they had to do since using my room was 3 simple rules that to me was common sense. Keep friend room clean since I’m using it, take his dog for potty breaks since he is at work, and leave his room at his desired time. The last one I didn’t make clear until later. But they werent even doing the most known rule of all time which was the first one. Which to me showed they probably either didn’t view me as a friend at all or didn’t give a shit about disrespecting a friend.

The rules I wrote down were-

Leave at 10. No ifs, ands or buts about it. 

Keep my room clean. I should have put half ass isnt acceptable.

A new rule- On off days only smoke. No ps4 or tv. It was to not have me distracted on me researching stuff. And that whenever I decided I could play my games. And I put- if you cant do 1 tiny thing on list no tv or ps4. Yet I come home to find the tv gone, the harddrive that he gave me gone, their stuff gone, and the chair they put in my room gone. Which showed they were petty and not willing to go by my rules. And if I confront them about it they will either cover it up or I would figure out who was being entitled and everything would finally go back to when we first came up here with no walking over anyone.

I confronted the guy and he denied hard. He twisted stuff around as well as not giving a shit what kind of past I had. Which is the most stupidest thing I heard. Cause a persons past shows through peoples actions and how they view others. And explaining a persons past gives others ideas on how a person would react to anything. And that told me he did not view me as a friend and didnt have respect for me. Yet in the argument he was hurt when I said I didn’t trust him. I wanted to say- did you already forget what you guys did to me? I think we got to a stale mate and that he actually finally understood me and where I was coming from. Yet he said that me in the business is decided by his gf. In the argument he explained stuff of his gf on how she viewed me.

That I spend all my money on stupid stuff. At the time I agreed cause in the past I did so. But since moving to California I haven’t done no such thing. The only things my money went towards is food, my dogs food, my dogs toys, my dogs leash and harness, my glasses for looking at my phone and laptop, an avengers 22 ticket, $5 bag of clothes, notebooks, pens, calendar, and small white board. Only one thing on what I just listed was stupid. The avengers ticket. Yes it was a nice experience besides me needing a new tire, my cars engine crapping out and having to pay parking. I dont see what they mean by that. When I look at them money wise. I see them spending every last cent towards weed and stupid stuff. Like the gf complains on her feet. Yet doesnt get foot insoles but instead gets hair dye. 

And the bf said that his gf was tired of working her ass off and seeing me blow my money and me complaining about rent. I look back now and think what? From what I listed, besides the avengers ticket, was me blowing money? All that stuff I bought was over a period of time. And most of my money was going towards bills that I had. And I’m using everything that was bought. So really anyone reading this tell me how was I blowing money? The only person blowing money is them. Cause if they conserve the weed they get to actually last more than an day they would have more money. And I truly mean that. From what I see them getting, it could last them at least a week or two. Yet it only lasts them for maybe 3 days. Cause they dont care about conserving it.

He also said that she was done of my drama. I think back now and think what? What drama? You mean me yelling at you guys for eating my shit? You mean me getting pissed off at you guys for not keeping my room clean and its mostly your stuff all around my room? You mean me getting pissed off that you wont get out of my room at my desired time? You mean me getting pissed off at you guys for not knowing basic manners?

Yes I did blow up over rent. That one was my bad cause if I realized sooner where my money was going which was fast food. I would have had money for rent for at least one of the months. And supposedly I didn’t pay rent for 3 months. The first month was understandable why I didn’t cause I was transfering to another dominos but the guy was transphobic so it didn’t work out. The second month was also understandable. Cause I was in the beginning looking for a job. My mother texted saying I’m probably not doing so and she did it for me. Applied to at least 20 jobs. So I thought oh great I will probably hear back. But I did not. The third month I just got a job and all my other bills mattered over rent. My car and phone bill. Cause I was a delivery driver. Having such things was a necessity. I told him once I get enough saved I will pay her back.

I’m just tired of being stepped on. It was obvious 100%. Yet it has been denied but apologized for. And he said he was going to come tell me if I’m in the business stil or not. But he hasnt even come tell me. Its been a week. What is there to decide? I hope things are finally now on neutral grounding. But now looking back and hearing the gf cry and sound frustrated outside makes me think she is still playing the victim. I dont know if its her pretending and its always been her or if its been the bf thats been stepping all over me and she knows and thats why she cried. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if it was both. Just tired of it all. They need to stop play pretend and wake up. I’m tired of using my past for them to understand where I’m coming from. It should be basic manners. I forget not everyone knows those.

[thenerdmaid]

So I've been thinking a lot about millenials vs boomers in their approach to stuff recently. Like physical objects. Especially ones that aren't of much use, but are trappings of the middle to upper class. What I consider junk, essentially.

My Mom is currently visiting for my post-grad convocation ceremony, and the difference has never been more stark to me. She brought a carful of stuff that I asked, even begged, her not to. Things she insists I should want and must have. Old books, toys, knicknacks, and most contentious of all, an antique victorian settee she decides to have reupholstered for me.

Now some (a lot) of it it has sentimental value to her, so on that level at least I understand her unwillingness to part with it. "You can save this for your kids one day!" she exclaims about the boxes of books and old 90's toys. "This was a gift!" about all the travel mementos. "I spent so much money on it!" about the settee. But I don't want or need boxes of toys for my theoretical future children. And I especially don't have room for them. Sure I'll hang on to a couple items for sentimental reasons, but the vast majority of it is going to Goodwill to people that will actually use them, and a good chunk in the recycling, because honestly, who wants a pile of a stranger's old birthday cards?

I could see the exact same mindset when she came out to my grad ceremony. Afterwards, she couldn't help but try and push all the swag on me. T-shirts, sashes, framed grad pictures, commemorative pins. All of it I insisted against, much to her bafflement. No matter how many times I told her I wasn't interested, and most importantly WHY I wasn't interested, it still went in one ear and out the other.

The why is just too alien from their own experiences. Millenials are, for the most part, living very different lives than their parents were at that age. We don't live in homes, we live in small, over-priced apartments, which we often dont expect to be able to stay in more than a year or two. We try very hard to avoid spending money on things we don't need. If we do spend money on a frivolous object, like a book or some scented candles or whatever, it needs to be something we really really love. Not something just okay. We don't have enough disposable income or time or space to be wasting it on stuff that is just okay. Not to mention furniture like that settee, which isn't comfortable, or appealing to me, or of practical use the way something like shelving might be. And kids are so far on the horizon that saving toys for them feels akin to saving a walker for retirement.

Now I don't want you to think I'm one of those stark-white-space minimalist types. Quite far from it. And honestly achieving that aesthetic usually takes quite a bit of time and money in it's own right, but that's a whole other post. I'm an artist and a maker and a little bit of a hoarder myself. I hang on to all sorts of junk. But it is junk that I am either very passionate about (like my art supplies), or I know will save me money in the future (like an expensive tool someone was giving away and can be used to build those shelves I'm working on...to store all my art junk XD). But this just means I'm even more hesitant to hang on to stuff that doesn't fit those two categories.

The one thing that really ties all my Mom's junk together is the emotional/social value she places on it. Like it actually is the thing it represents. As if by getting rid of this junk I'm throwing away love and experiences and accomplishments and money. And that of course comes with all the classic parental guilt-tripping. I see this pattern in a lot of my friends parents too. An inability to disconnect affection or success or any of many other qualities from these physical objects. It's sort of materialism 101. They can't quite seem to wrap their heads around the idea that these things are not of any tangible value to their children. Why don't you want stuff? Stuff means you're cared about, it means you're well off, it means you're important.

Except it doesn't. It isn't and never has been a replacement for those intagible values. Throughout our lives so much stuff has been bought and foisted upon millenial children by our parents without any meaningful accompanying connection. They're completely hollow gestures if they don't come with an effort to listen and get to know you. To spend time with you and understand who you are as people. But not enough boomer parents have done this. And not enough boomer parents even realized this was an option. It was always about the stuff they could aquire for themselves and provide for their children. It's the capitalist mindset they were steeped in growing up, but is now being rejected by their own kids.

Obviously these are huge, harsh generalizations, based on my own personal experiences. They mostly apply to white, suburban, middle-to-upper class western families, and those who aspire to that lifestyle. There are boomers who don't subscribe to this way of thinking, and millenials who do. But those attitudes are very pervasive in the culture we've been born into. They feel like a significant part of the generational narrative: success through material wealth. I think this is a part of why the boomer-millenial divide can get so vicious. Because at it's heart it's political. Because we aren't just different, we're often directly opposed to what they value. And if we, as a society, decide that what was valued by a previous generation to be empty and meaningless, maybe even actively harmful, then that generation might be forced to look inwards and reevaluate their deepest convictions. And even considering, however briefly, that your life might have been built on a foundation of shallow consumerism, standing in for real passion and human connection....well, that is not an easy thing to do.

[darwinism00]

Chapter one

CHAPTER ONE The presentation of who we want you to be Definition of Darwinism 1 : a theory of the origin and perpetuation of new species of animals and plants that offspring of a given organism vary, that natural selection favors the survival of some of these variations over others, that new species have arisen and may continue to arise by these processes, and that widely divergent groups of plants and animals have arisen from the same ancestors. Young Keera shifted in her seat, nervously playing with her writing gadget as to keep her fingers busy during this presentation that every high schooler had to sit through on their first day of 7th grade. Her eyes were distracted from the projection screen and her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest. She felt like after this maybe her friends, the few she had made at this school in the last year would start noticing things about her that she didn't want them to know. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to focus on not having an outburst just this once. She had done good after all and this was the longest she was able to stay at a school. Dont mess this up now! Keera scolded herself. “Hey Keera you alright girl?” A boy with blue/green eyes and a gigantic grin leans over and nudges her. She jumps over dramatically. He smiles his charming white smile that made his eyes sparkle. She remembered once thinking that when he got older that his eyes would be the first to wrinkle. Laugh lines would surely be the first sign of aging and a good life, for Albo was the happiest boy or person she had ever met. He had a slight accent. His family was from Albania and had moved to America when he was little just before the borders were sealed. He laughed softly at her reaction. “Wow girl I'm not armed.” Keera gave him a sideways glance and his smile infected her. Even with the feelings of anxiety she was having he seemed to still have her smiling. “Quiet class there will be an assessment on this to see how much you were paying attention. This is your American history and very important key elements to your government. Pay attention!” Mrs. Stimack a very conservative pointed woman pointed her last statement at the two of them. They both bit their lips and stifled a giggle and continued their focus to the front of the room where the tv box had the documentary playing on the wall. In the year 2014 News stations had footage, reports and headlines of a new drug sweeping the U.S. Its street name was dirty tar but later was lead back to Afghanistan and was easiest explained to the public as a special strain of Heroin. The News stations claimed that it was cut with a unknown substance and extremely dangerous leading to episodes of aggressive super human delusions and almost always leading to death. There were several reports of people eating each other, lifting cars or jumping off building thinking they could fly. Like most reports this too was swept under the rug after a few months until years later when it was linked to something much larger and historically changing. Keera shifted again restlessly thinking about her mother. God this video couldn't be over soon enough. She thought to herself as she rolled her eyes in frustration. She knew this was coming and that she would have to sit through it eventually but that didn't mean she was going to like it. Besides most students already knew most of this stuff already. It was a part of their day to day life. Keera glances back to Albo who was taking notes. Of course. Keera thought with a smile. He was the perfect student. He got all A’s. He knew multiple languages, was captain of the debate team, class President and was captain of the Soccer and basketball team despite being a bit short for his age. Keera remembered feeling a bit self conscious when she looked down the few inche from her eyes sight to his. His eyes were penetrating and caused her stomach to be uneasy. So much so that she avoided him for the first few month she was here last year. Finally, his charm infected her and they were the best of friends. Because for her that's all she had to offer. Anyone she let get any closer than that died and her heart cracked just thinking about anything happening to Albo. She shook the thought off and continued watching the documentary. The drug not only had massive initial side effects but it also modified something in the D.N.A. and the offsprings of the drug users had certain abilities. One political group wanted to euthanize the ones with abilities for the safety of all. Another wanted them in camps and the third wanted freedom for its people with or without abilities. This disagreement caused a war among the citizens of the United States. This Civil war is now known as the gene war and the most powerful Nation fell to its knees. Pictures of actors dramatically falling to their knees flash to the screen. Keera rolls her eyes and shakes her head with a heavy exhale of breath. “Hey Miss can you keep that heavy breathing down I can't keep my attention.” Keera looked over to Albo as he wiggled his eyebrows at her. She burst into laughter. She couldn't help it. Just then the projection paused and the lights came on. They looked up to Mrs. Stimack standing at the front of the class by the controller panel with her arms crossed and a wicked glare on her face. She was definitely not amused. “Keera if you can't control yourself then I will have to ask you to leave.” Keera presses her lips together and after a brief second she puts on a poker face and shakes her head in understanding. Albo raised his hand with his writing gadget still pressed between his fingers. “Yes Mrs. Stimack I am so sorry. I was asking her a question about the film. The dialect had me confused and I guess my confusion came out funny.” He shrugges innocently. “My apologies I will save my questions for after the Documentary is over.” Mrs. Stimack eyed Albo skeptically knowing that his dialect in the many languages he knew was next to perfect but seeing how he was her favorite student she replied. “Ok Albo that is a good idea. I'll let this go this one time but any more outbursts or disruptions and I will have to separate you two.” Albo smiled his beautiful smile and nodded with eager agreement. “Yes mam.” He said as he gave her a salute. Anyone else doing this might come off as arrogant but with that smile Albo was charming and genuine. Keera felt her once fast beating heart beat skip a beat and float in her chest. He glances towards Keera as Mrs. Stimack walked back to the controller panel on the wall. He leans over and whispers. “Separate us? Never.” He still wore his grin and gave Keera a wink. Keera tried desperately to not look at him. Las Vegas was bombed into a hole in the ground for being found out to be a safe haven for those afflicted and the government crumbled. Other Countries turned their back on the U.S. none of them wanting to risk any tainted getting in over seas and have the same destruction go on. America instated Martial law while the government rebuilt. Three territories arose. The Confederacy, which made up most of the inner, center states. The Union which made up most of the bordering states and the Independency which was made up of just four states, Colorado, Nevada, Louisiana and Florida. These four states were made homes to people who saw both sides of the other two territories and refused to commit to either. “Fence jumpers.” One kid coughed out. “Communists.” Another added in agreement. “Hippies.” A third added in a high pitched squeak until Mrs. Stimack called out in a stern voice. “That is enough! Pay attention or I will give the assessment now.” The room fell silent. “I will take questions at the end.” In the Confederacy they believed that God would show them the way out of this and they integrated religion as law. If you were a citizen of the Confederacy it was mandatory to attend Church every Sunday and donate your Wednesday nights to charity work. As a symbol of your allegiance at the age of 16 you were given a Confederate silver cross to wear as part of the Confederate dress code along with your state issued ID chip in the palm of your hand. Keera glanced down at the palm of her left hand. She was almost 12. She had four more years until she would have to leave. There would be no way for her to stay with what she was and in a Confederate state nonetheless. She glanced to Albo and her chest ached. She had four more years with him. The memory of him enthusiastically telling her that he wanted to be a soldier flooded her mind. This is why she could never let him in. She knew that if she did that he would hate her for what she was and that was worse than almost anything else. Keera blinked back tears and continued the torture of watching the documentary. In the Confederacy you were obligated to go to the Army for a year of training after high school and then attend college if decided after that. Science was accepted but with the acknowledgment that God created all things and any science trying to prove otherwise was forbidden by Confederate law. There was also an election for a Commander in Chief every 5 years which enabled the public to vote for its Confederate leader. Because a lot of the Confederate states consist of farm land they thrive on trade and focus on this skill. In the Union territory they believe in the people's voice as a majority to be most important. They have a council of the Union which consists of a leader from each Union state as a representative. In this territory environment is most important. Recycling is a strict law. Technology is a huge push in the Union states. College is not only free but required. If you opt out then you are required to join the military. Without either you will not be eligible for work. In order to work or travel at the age of 16 when you instate your allegiance to your territory you get a chip in your palm. In a Union state you get a branding on the back of the neck. The symbol of two hands shaking. Because most of the Union states are on the borders their technology and waterways give them an advantage to trade with the Confederates for food. Keera found herself rubbing the back of her neck and noticed that a few students were doing the same. She couldn't imagine being branded even if she tended to believe in the Union states of government more than her own. For now she was stuck. She would probably have to find a way to an Independent state at some point. That's the only way they wouldn't need to chip her. She was scared of being chipped because there were rumors that when you are chipped if you have a genetic default that your chip implant zaps you dead in under a minute. Even though it was most likely malarkey she didn't want to take that chance with her life. She continued rubbing her palm and listened closely to the Independent explanation of government. The Independent states are just that. They are each Independent from government and run on their own individually. After Nevada was bombed and as a gesture of peace all three territories deemed it the first safe zone. It was renamed New Vegas and housed all the new and upcoming technology. College kids from all three territories were allowed safe passage. Louisiana, Colorado and Florida ran off of a point system. Colorado and Louisiana grew crops and canibus to trade with either faction for their needs. In order to get points you had to contribute and thus you got your rations. It was harder to establish this system more than the others but in time everyone just grew accustomed. If they didn't like it they could change to a different faction. So people moved to where they wanted to be. Once you pledge your allegiance however it was very hard to change. Florida functioned on the same point system as well but thrived on fish trade and tourism. Independent territories allow visitors from both Union and Confederate States but no long term visitors like New Vegas and once you pledge your allegiance to an Independent state because they don't require tracking chips you were not allowed to travel outside your state without special paperwork stating you had permission to do so. Damn. Keera thought to herself. She wouldn't be able to leave. She would need to try and research all of them. Keera sunk a little in her seat. Researching anything outside of being a Confederate citizen was almost impossible here. She would find a way or she would just go to the closest one. Nevada wasn't too far from Arizona. Keera thought. I would surely find someone to help her get to an Independent state from there right? The cold feeling of loneliness blanketed her chest like it often did when she tried to come up with a game plan. Keera was completely on her own and had no one to help her. The Nihilist started to arise in her. Fuck it. She cursed. She would do what she had to do and if she went down she would take anyone trying to stop her down with her. This system has taken nearly a decade in a half to establish into what we have today. A very precise unified governing system. All three territories though separate help keep the united states diverse yet segregated. Once a melting pot of angry people forced to live amongst each other we are now a three part governing system with everyone where they belong best. Now a little over 10 years after it all begun the United States has gone through more change than it has in the last 200 years but is finally prospering. With the ones with ailments gone or secluded peace has finally been possible. Music of a marching band crescendos into the credits screen. As the lights came on Keera glanced around the room to the students blinking to adjust their eyes to the light. She was trying to gauge their reactions to the video. She looked to Albo who was staring at her. At first Keera wanted to be self conscious as if the video exposed her in some way. Then Albo licked his lips; eyes penetrating her with concern. “Are you alright?” He asked with so much concern it caught Keeras breath. She exhaled and averted her eyes from his. “Yeah I'm fine. Just tired.” She clears her throat. “Oh i dashur you don't expect me to believe that.” He always called her that. Which meant “darling” when she looked it up one time. Though she secretly loved it she found herself rolling her eyes at it almost impulsively. He laughed softly at her response. “Ok then we talk later ya?” Keera found herself unable to speak so she just shook her head in agreement to make the conversation be over with. “Ok settle down.” Mrs. Stimack called out over the chatter of the room that had erupted once the lights came on. Keera overheard one boy finishing his story to two other boys. “Yeah well my dad said the tainted are all in Puerto Rico in a camp where they belong.” Keera flinched at this statement. Puerto Rico was deemed a safe zone before the bombing of Las Vegas but it ended up just being a trap. Anyone who was taken there was never seen or heard from again. Men in black uniforms would come and tear people from their families and drag them off to this safe zone that people without abilities were not allowed to go. All of them being children. It almost caused a second war but because people that were not affected directly from this and wanted to move on outnumber the ones who did nothing came of their rebellion. “Joseph.” Mrs. Stimack called out to the boy telling the story. “Tainted is a slanderous word for those afflicted with abilities and I do not tolerate slanderous terms in my classroom.” Joseph put his head down in shame for his slip up. Keera had heard that word plenty of times behind closed doors. Her foster family used language worse than that along with other things that would make it easy for her to walk away from this facade of a life. The only thing that made it hard was Albo. She thought about the times they had hung out on roof tops talking about their life plans. Albo was so certain about what he wanted. He was tenacious. His life was planned out like a check list. Not like I want this to happen but what will happen with such certainty. Keera would just shrug and say that she planned on going to college for something. Albo would tease her casual non-commitment type attitude but she figured that deep down he maybe knew she didn't plan on sticking around and pledging her allegiance to Arizona. They never talked about it but when the subject of what they would do after school got brought up he would get this look in his eyes that was unmistakably sad. Albo was always happy and contagiously enthusiastic but in those moments Keera knew that she was going to break his heart and in doing that break her own. Whenever she thought of those moments her heart ached and she would then begin to a wall. “Yes Matthew?” Mrs. Stimack said calling on another student and waking Keera up from her inner tortured dialog. “Is it true that.” He paused looking for the correct words. “The people.” he paused again not knowing how to refer to the people with abilities. Mrs. Stimack answered for him. “People with ailments.” She said nonchalantly. Matthew shook his head in agreement to the term and continued. “Is it true that people with ailments are shipped to Puerto Rico in a camp?” Matthew was a skinny blond haired blue boy with such an innocent expression that Keera almost didn't even feel a stab in her chest when he asked it outloud. Mrs. Stimack answered with a well prepared tone to her voice and a fake smile plastered on her face. Keera had been alive long enough to observe people who despised people with abilities. The slander remark didn't fool her. “Now Matthew that has never been proven to be true. OK?” She shook her head yes as to get him to comply in agreement and to Keeras disbelief Matthew did so. “Ok Mrs. Stimack.” He said with a smile. Did she just hypnotise him? Keera thought to herself. “Yes Mary?” Mrs. Stimack called on the next student with their hand raised. Most of the students that were born into a Confederate state ended up having a biblical name. Students had come to bear these names with pride and arrogance and it annoyed Keera to no end. Mary was a teacher's pet. She had red hair in two tight pigtail braids on each side of her head and a freckled face. “Yes.” She said brushing one braid off of her shoulder like the chip she needed to get off her shoulder Keera thought to herself. “My daddy said that Canada is a Country full of heathens that all have abilities and have children out of wedlock and…” She was cut off. “Let me stop you right there.” Mrs. Stimack said. Mary went on though. “He said it's Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.” Mrs. Stimack put her hand up and Mary’s rebellious look on her face fell into a blank expression. Mrs. Stimack smiled kindly, which looked odd on her wrinkled face that had stress lines from frowning rather than smiling. Her blonde hair was tight on top of her head exposing every one of those lines on her face. “None of that has ever been proven and here in the Confederacy we only acknowledge truth and justice.” The words Truth and justice was recited by the whole class out loud any time they were said in class conversation like a verse at Catholic school. The Canadian border was the last to close, but they are just that. Closed! Therefore we do not acknowledge them. Understand?” She says with a gritted toothed grin. Mary just nodded in agreement. Keera pinched her brows together in shock. She is fucking hypnotizing them? She thought. Keera looked around the room to the other students to see if anyone else noticed what was going on and as far as she could tell no one was catching on. She looked to Albo who had his nose buried in his notes he had taken. Luke who was one of Keera and Albos friends raised his hand tentatively. “Yes Luke.” Mrs Stimack said with a smile but rolled her eyes at the same time already fed up with this routine. “Uh yea.” Luke's voice was shaky and nervous. He was Puerto Rican. After the war begun Puerto Rico was evacuated and his family, who was very religious moved to Arizona and had him and named him Luke by suggestion of the Commander of Chief that said all Confederates should bring biblical names back for the future is within our children and we should give them the holiest path we can. “Yes Luke go ahead.” Mrs. Stimack said with a hint of irritation in her voice. “Yeah what will happen if we don't want to pledge our allegiance?” Everyone turned to stare at him in the back of the class. Keeras heart ached for him knowing how much this bothered him. “I mean do you have to leave?” Mrs. Stimacks head tilted like a puppy's does when it does not understand how something works. “What do you mean not pledge your allegiance? Do you mean switch sides to a Union state?” She laughed at the last part conveying what a joke she thought that would be. “No I mean why do we have to pick a side?” He says in a smaller voice. Keeras stomach started turning at the agony she saw her friend going through. Damn it Luke why did you have to open your mouth! Keera yelled in her own head. “Well you don't. You can move away from your family and everything you know and go live on a commune, in sin with the savages in an independent state.” “Savages?” A crude voice rang out clear as a bell in the classroom. Keera didn't realize it was her own voice until she noticed everyone's gazed shifting to her. Mrs Stimack looked to her as if she was a bug. “Yes I believe savages would be accurate.” Mrs. Stimack’s voice was overly punctual as to convey her conception of knowledge to be much greater than Keeras. “Violent and uncontrolled is an accurate definition of the word savage.” She drew the last word out and flicked her tongue at the end as if it were something dirty she needed to get out of her mouth. Anger started boiling in Keeras stomach and she knew she was skating on a thin line. Keera drew in a deep breath to calm herself. “Just seems like an extreme word for a group of people that want to live their lives without being forced into something that they don't believe in.” Keera could feel herself glare even though she was trying to will herself not to. Mrs. Stimack glared back and stood. Her nice smiling expression was gone. “Really Keera? You mean people who don't believe in God or Jesus and want to live in sin without any consequences. You think savage is too harsh of a term for them.” Her hands were in firsts hung down on each side of her body that was shaking. She paced in front of the class and preached in a strong overpowering raging tone. “John 3:16. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life.” She glared daggers to Keera daring for a response. “Matthew 7:1-5” was all that left Keeras lips in a firm defying voice. Although every fiber of her being was telling her to stop bringing attention to herself she couldn't help but feed the fire inside her. Her lips curled up into a smirk. Gasps erupted from the room because the scripture she was referencing was about not judging others for you will be judged with the same harshness. “Get out!” Mrs. Stimack roared. Keeras smirk fell into a frown and she swallowed hard. Students that got send to the principle got lashings and although she was not scared of the pain from the lashings she was scared about controlling her ailments as she was punished. “Please.” was all that could leave her lips. She frantically looked to Albo that was looking at her with pain in his eyes. “I will not have you disrupting my class!” Keera did not respond. She had no words that wouldn't just get her into more trouble. She also did not move. She was unable to. She just gripped the sides of her desk trying to control her breathing frozen in fear that she might burn the entire school down if forced to move. Just then Albo stood. “I want to bear her punishment please.” Albo stood at attention. The class was dead silent. “Albo no.” Is all that Keera could say but it was barely audible. “Quiet.” Mrs Stimack spat at Keera. She approached Albo. “Are you sure you want to do this?”She whispered quietly into his ear. Albo stood at attention not looking Mrs. Stimack in her eyes. “Yes mam. I would please like to bear her punishment for her which is stated in the handbook as a viable rule.” Mrs. Stimack leans her gaze back to spot the agony in Keera’s expression. “Yes, but not a rule that I have seen actually practiced.” She then wore a smirk leaning in to whisper into Albos ear again. “You know you are very brave for this.” Albo said nothing. “I favore you but the Principal will make an example of you. You know this right?” Albo says nothing. “You can back out if you want to. Now that you know this Albo.” Albo looks to Keera and winks. “No mam I will not be backing out” He says loud enough for everyone to hear. Mrs. Stimack leans back to look Keera right in the face. “I didn't think you would. Go on then and receive your lashings.” Albo grabs his books and marches out of the classroom. Keera’s eyes glassed over and warm tears rolled uncontrollably down her face. Her chest felt like a hole had been hammered into it. “You should think of this next time you want to disrupt my classroom Keera.” If keera hadn't been so heart broken she knew the room would of exploded at that very moment. Instead she sat extremely quiet; silent tears falling out onto her desk until she had no more tears left to fall. That night Keera snuck out of her room in the attic of her foster parents house and into the upstairs room of Albo that lived just next door. She opened the window that was always unlocked. She had become accustomed to knocking and they meet on the roof never daring to actually go inside his room. She didn't want to give the wrong impression to him. Albo was laying in bed with bandages taped to his back soaked in blood. He lay face down covered in sweat. “Oh my God Albo.” Keera whispered touching his bicep gently from behind not able to see his face yet. “Albo I am so sorry.” She whispered out. Albo took a deep breath in. “Keera you didn't deserve this.” His words were muffled half into the pillow and half because of Albos teeth being grinded together through the pain. Tears Keera didn't think she had welled back into her eyes. She walked around the bed and layed down so that her face and his were facing each other. “You didn't either. Why did you do this for me.” He smiled his enthusiastic grin that was tainted with the pain. “Because i dasure don't you know?” His eyes shot lasers into hers and down into her chest. He raised his hand and touched her cheek. “Ti je dashuria ime” Keeras breath hitched. She wasn't exactly sure what that meant but she was almost 100% sure that he just professed his love to her. He leaned forward to give her a kiss on her forehead and kiss her tears from her eyes. Yeah I'm going to break him. She thought with certainty for there was no future for them but she felt like she couldn't live without him. In that moment Keera felt for the first time ever that she was not alone and it was going to kill her.

[po1ypear1]

you must take it all as it comes. seize the oportunities. listen to your inner voice, and if you don’t hear it, ask.  

Always: Be greatful for the happiness feelings you feel every single day.

Recognize when the right opportunity is before you and say yes. But if you dont, know the boat will come again, and know your reason for missing it.

Plans and day dreams are nice, but let them be free. Watch out for getting to attatched. We prefer general headings.

Remember watching, “How To Be Single” and feeling like this was your time to enjoy being single while in this stage of self descovery. To remember learning how to date, how to talk to people, and how to hold onto your own identify.

Find and Do No Matter Where You Are:

Play with improv people. join a theater group

Take singing lessons. join a choior

Keep making your moon calanders! Study Astrology.

Pole Play Classes. Dance classes

Everything written here has placed a call to me, and is currently waiting, patiently on hold.

Make movies. Research bus channels. Consider yours.

Act/Perform. Read poetry, stories and speaches to people from mobile sets in character.

Sail home for Christmas 

Once Home: Set Some Shit Straight:

Invest! Talk to one of those guys who makes your money make money.

Sort out your taxes, health care, and province of residing. Get GST number for a small, legit paper trail and to justify the cerb minimum income requirements.

Lazer hair removal.  

Time to Get Your Self Some Nice Things: Get a proper ear stretching kit. Good quality solar powered phone charging water proof blue tooth multi speaker linkons portable speaker. Blue tooth solar powered ear buds. 

Books: Anatomy for the artist.  A massive “learn to read the stars” astrology book, total “yoga poses” reference guide.  

go shoping and record the items, review and return later. see how they look through the camera’s eye. find the neck lines you like. thin straps. Try less reveiling necklines, they are destracting, people will look, listen and be enchancted by everything else

.Ask grandma and grandpa a hundred questions.

Watch tissue movies with mom.

Visit Royal Pizza

Organize family activities, skating, toboganing, holrac park. Snowboarding trip?  

Propose bio mobile bus/prototype build to dad  

Have a Dance in Golden and visit kyle…  

First summer with the bio-biel. Climb mountains. Serve A Vapassana.  Learn Gin Shin Do from a master. Visit the landing.

Do you still wanna train hop? this is probably a better sooner then later activity.  

Winter town! Seasonal job. Collect thousands of dollars for passing go.

My Karman Line: Learn about starting a business. Event Organizer/Project Manager. Online Careers. How to become a home care assistant.

Stationary Routine breads clarity and focus. New Places are exciting, stimulating, inspiring, and distracting.

Biofuel Home Bus:  

MIDNIGHT IDEA* bus so I dont have to pay rent while going to school/studying to get the job that will allow me to work and live around the world. hense vegabonding after bussing. No roommates, no rent, no part time job money worries, small space, less mess, fewer distractions. I can work part time if I want to, not cause I have to. I can be close to school, no comute, close to my kichen, less money spent eating out. I feel the time for study is getting closer.

I like the idea of bus before boat, cause when I get land the bus is home base while I build. Then the bus is safely left on the property. The boat is a little less safe left in the water.

You’d think I would vegabond before biofuel, but i just got a craving…. then I got an incling, “maybe these arnt one time phases.” Sail boat life, Bus life, House life, Back-pack life. and they keep heluxing round and round. And there’s always new hobbies, interests, self discoveries and purposes. With constant sweet notes of good food, friendship, discovery. And never ending curiosity.

MIDNIGHT VISION: 1 am, drinkin water by the gallon.... a song comes on. I can’t hold it in. The bus bursts open and I pour my heart out down the empty street. Pirouette’s under street lamp spot lights, broken hearts to car hoods. Coming to an hour latter, looking around, ‘where am I?´ Time to choose a walking home song. A small space will be good for me. Forces me to get outta the house.

There’s no correct order, or direct timeline. Remove the 5 hinderances, and listen to what the moon says is best for you right now.

Vegabond. Live, Work and Study in so many other countries.You can do this after 35 aswell. You can find amazing work oportunities that don’t require the permit, that will sponsor a permit, that wants to marry you. Or you’ll fit into the specialist or exeption section. You’re not necessarily looking for a typical, need a working vissa job anyway. Plus, some countries might not have this restriction, you never looked for your self.

We were talking with Josie the other day and we got on to the different types of lives on the security-adventure scale. For argument sake, we named 4 main ones. The people who never leave the towns they grew up in, the ones who do but settle some where, the ones who move every so often, keeping it fresh and the ones who never stop, who, say live out of a back-pack or travel the world on a bike, throwing them selves into the unknown. When she spoke of these people, my heart fluttered…..  

House sit, wwooff, work-away when the world alows open travel again. And maybe Do it by bike? As few planes as possible. LIVE in the cities of the world, get to know them, be a part of them. Know the public places, the baker on the courner, where the oldest trees and stairs are.

Entreprenuer. Have your own business. Work for your self. 1 (of many, ideas) multi functional bobcat/tractor owner and oporator. 2 Bulk goods supplier. Recycling sail boat. Bamboo farming.

Homestead. Own Property out right. I will pay for everything up-front, all the money I save on interest by waiting will be trippled by keeping the money invested till there is more then enough for the propert, land and home development. Enough will be left over, and remain invested, to continue growing at a steady, live a comfortable life and travel as I wish, take what ever courses i wish rate.

Raise your kids here, with stability providing safety. Routine creating tradition that will be imprinted in them for ever, every pumpkin pie will make them feel their childhood in fall, and the excitment of starting school again. Let them grow conected to nature and their food. Atleast till 7. Then ask them what they want to do? wanna go to school in the city? wanna live in a bus and travel across the continent? Wanna live in a boat and sail around the world? Please learn another language, spanish is easy and lots of places different to us.

Sail around the world with an electric assist bike and a survival libraray

Return to the nice place, with enough acres for privacy, gardens, animals, out door hot tubs, a green house, all within a food forest and be within walking distance of neighbours and a satisfying community hub. Some people watching spots and art events can be a comfortable scooter ride away. maybe this is the same place as the homestead. Maybe my parents are with my by this point.  

Bio Bus. I’ve been in the office 6 months now, and im starting to want a change. Change just might be my nature. So maybe it’s back to the bus. This time with Gatto, Pero, Pollo, bicicleta and creator machines. Traversing the continent selling soaps, teas, hot snacks wrapped in bees wax at ski hills, soaking potions, spa days at tree planter camps and tickets to movie nights.    

BLUE PRINTS:

Yoga Space: soft matt 5x5, to emcompass my whole body’s reach in every angle. hand holds ancored into the floor for traction. ropes hanging from the roof for balance, suport. golf and tenis balls for massage. 

Kitchen Hacks: design cooking area to be re-panted every few years. window sills for herbs to grow. sinks with water spouts that fill in the middle and swivel. 

Ideal Community: lots of greenery, big old trees, bike and walk friendly, inviting public spaces, big enough that I want to go out and be apart of it, that i have places and people to visit. A place with seasons. I don´t want to be hot and itchy all year round. A place where people steward the land, and shape it with Peter Pan’s elegant hands. No generic, shitty, fast food joints, only healthy artisian. Beautiful works of arcitecture harmanizing our day to day with nature.