#and am equally capable of applying that skill over here

[ineffablefool]

Some meditations on being a fat human being, in the era of Good Omens series fandom.  Not n//sf/w, really (hi my name is Jack I’m ace and supremely uninterested in sexytimes), but really personal and also long, so I’ll stick it behind a readmore.  I suppose if another fat human being had thoughts they wanted to tack on, they could reblog to do so, but I don’t expect this to be a particularly rebloggable thing.  Just thinkin’ out loud (via clickety fingies).

I have been... okay, more or less, with how my body looks, for a while.  (Minus all the things about it that make me get “she” and “her” and “ma’am” everywhere I go, with exactly three glorious exceptions in the ~4 years since I realized that those weren’t right.  That is a whole ‘nother bucket of bears.)  I’ve been on Tumblr over on my main account since 2013, and the entire time I’ve been immersing myself in fat positivity and in fat activism by wonderful accounts like ok2befat and bigfatscience and thisisthinprivilege.  So I’ve been basically okay. 

It sucks how hard it is to find clothing that I like which doesn’t completely exclude my particular set of proportions.  It sucks that my saint of a boss had to literally fight our HR department to change the company policy on flights for business, because the previous policy would have forced me to fly 18 hours in an economy-class seat much smaller than I am when I visit India in a couple months.  It sucks that my body is still the “oh, is this disgusting thing a dealbreaker for you” question on dating websites, and that it’s still the butt of every third Trump joke.  It sucks.  But I’ve gotten better over the years at the skill of seeing my body as not the problem, but an innocent bystander in everyone else’s bullshit.  Clothing and plane seats and humor don’t spring from the earth to be harvested and consumed raw.  People decide how to make them.  People can decide differently.

Anyway.  I’ve been pretty much okay with Body.  Body’s fine.  It’s a good pal.  It gets me where I need to be, and it lets me run around in little circles pretending to be an airplane when I’m bored.  I spend some time with it in partial states of undress now and then (I’m too much of a germaphobe to ever be a naturist, let’s put it that way), just so I can keep myself familiar with what it really looks like.  Y’know how the horror movie monster is really scary up until they actually show it?  Same thing, except fewer blood squibs.

But here’s all this Good Omens stuff.

A lot of the fandom has embraced the slight pudginess of Michael Sheen’s Aziraphale, and a lot of artists are putting that into their work.  And a blessed wonderful few aren’t stopping there.  They’re drawing Aziraphales that are more than just a tiny bit pudgy, sometimes that are just plain fat, unquestionably, not just “a little larger than the very thin rendition of Crowley” or “wearing a lot of layers” or “the clothes are just cut that way”.  Really, really adorable renditions of fat angels who are clearly loveable and clearly loved because look, the artist drew them together, Crowley is right there and he doesn’t have that look on his face by accident.

(There are book renditions floating around too where people have headcanoned a fatter Aziraphale, but I’m still talking miniseries right now.  Also, there are plenty of sort of... cartoony/stylized/silly renditions out there with fatter Aziraphales, but I’m not really talking about those either.  There’s a sort of area of artwork where the style or the scene being depicted is such that my brain is surprised when any of the characters is fat, because this is a pretty drawing of two people kissing or whatever and therefore obviously they have to both be thin.  Obviously.  Internalized fatphobia nonsense.  But that’s the kind of artwork I’m thinking when I type all these zillions of words.)

And that’s a choice, to say “I’m an artist and I’m going to draw this character who is worth being the recipient of a 6000-year-long love, and that character is fat, and that’s just how it is”.  And to keep doing it in one piece of art after the other.

speremint was the first artist I noticed doing this, drawing an Aziraphale who is loved by Crowley (the sacred apple tree art still cracks me up, poor Crowley) and who is definitely fat and who is adorable, and if you’ve read the notes on any of my fics you know that she singlehandedly changed how I picture my headcanon’d Aziraphale.  Then I discovered that dotstronaut and lonicera-caprifolium and toastedbuckwheat are out there too, giving me lovely art to shove into my eyeballs and extend my lifespan potentially indefinitely.  I bet there’s more I haven’t noticed yet.  I want there to be like a hundred more I haven’t noticed yet.

And this all ticks over into the second half of what’s apparently a manifesto at this point, boy it’s a good thing I’m a fast typist, which is the fact that in addition to being a fat human, I am also romantically and aesthetically attracted to fat humans.  It’s something I’ve pretty much literally had no opportunity to ever express, because in my Real Life I don’t really admit to having feelings per se and also I am... not the type of human who is the recipient of romantic thoughts from others.  Or who would ever act on my own unless the other party said something first.  (Which nobody ever has since 2006, you guys.  Supremely not the recipient of romance over here.)

So there’s this fandom environment where a fat character is being celebrated and loved, and I started writing fanfiction for the first time this century, and all of a sudden there’s a place for me to express feelings that I’ve been sitting on since I finally realized in about 2001 what it was about that one guy in high school that made me want to hug him, even though I also couldn’t stand his attitude.

Going through my fics from oldest to most recent, it is clear that I am getting more and more comfortable with that expression.  It’s getting ridiculous.  At this rate, in three weeks’ time I’m just going to be writing “Aziraphale is fat and beautiful and I just want to cuddle his belly forever” over and over again for five thousand words at a stretch.

But that means Brain is thinking a lot about how Aziraphale is fat, and beautiful, and perfect exactly how he is.  And then Brain looks down at Body and is like “hmm.  Same hat.  ineffablefool is fat too.  Therefore, [insert math lady meme here]”.  And I will be, like, “okay, so if Crowley were to put his hand on Aziraphale’s belly, what would that feel or look like?  How would his internal narration describe it?  Well, there’s a belly right here, let’s do some science.”  And then the thoughts that I start associating with the experience of my own body are completely good thoughts, all of them, because they’re going to be going in Crowley’s head.  And my written Crowley is never going to be anything other than madly in asexual romantic love with my written Aziraphale, and is never going to see him as anything other than perfect, physically, no matter what he looks like.

And it’s just being a really good positive feedback mechanism, I guess is the tl;dr version.  External validation (via art, via others’ fics, via comments on my own fics, btw if you’ve left any of those then you are also helping extend my lifespan, especially the people who come back to comment on each new story, yes I recognize you and I do a little happy dance every time a familiar name pops up, please rejoin me on Monday I’m going to post my dickwheelie letters fic) is all well and good.  But the mental loop of “own body can be used for realistic descriptions of a fat body -> descriptions based on own body are all lovingly positive -> own body is therefore described by self as lovingly positive” is... it’s nice, is what I’m saying.  It’s very nice.  Last week I expressed, out loud in a group of coworkers, my desire that something be more size-inclusive.  Do you even know how many deaths I would once have suffered rather than say something like that in mixed company.  But why shouldn’t I say it!  There’s nothing wrong with my being fat!  In fact, it’s within the realm of possibility to see it as a positive thing, so let’s just all admit that we have eyes and then move on!  Geez!

So those are some of my thoughts on being a fat human being, in the era of Good Omens series fandom.

now if I can just score a hot fat ace Ineffable Significant Other out of this fandom, I’ll be set

[bitegore]

I was reminded that i've written like, almost an essay about Motormaster Characterization in the comments of a fic i wrote in class one time and now i'm gonna transfer them to a post so you can all see them.

Obligatory reminder at the start that a) this gets long, and b) this is my own personal take. If it conflicts with yours, great, two cakes, I like reading fics with different interpretations than my own. However, if you vibe with it, buffet rules apply, take whatever you want and however much you want and leave whatever you don't :D free headcanons to a good home or whatever, lol

In regards to Motormaster's approach to authorities, subordinates and equals:

Motormaster literally doesn't know what an "equal" is. If he were anyone else, Scrapper would be approaching him as an equal, but Motormaster has no idea what to make of equals. He has subordinates and he has authorities who must be obeyed, and if one isn't an authority one MUST be a subordinate somehow, or at least treated like one in his head. It's not really his fault that he has no social skills whatsoever, but either he needs to learn them or he needs to get out of the way, pretty much. Scrapper just kind of goes "okay, fuck it, i am your superior by rule of seniority" instead of trying to make friends as equals. Onslaught doesn't have the leave to throw his weight around the same way, so instead Motormaster acts like a dick until some other authority (here, Scrapper) gets in his way about it, but Onslaught is perfectly capable of retaliating as long as Motormaster starts it.

In regards to Motormaster having been "built for leadership" vs having the actual qualities of leadership:

I like the idea that Motormaster may have been "built for leadership" (he is probably the best leader of the bunch just by process of elimination, unfortunately) but he does not have enough emotional maturity or problem-solving skills to actually lead. This guy solves all his problems by hitting them until they go away. You cannot be a leader like that, it does not work, your team will either fracture underneath you and stop working or they will fracture underneath you and decide to get rid of you, no two ways about it.

...Motormaster is so headstrong that he refuses to listen to any ideas he can't pretend are his own or otherwise line up along what he already thinks. Scrapper can threaten him into being polite, but unless he makes politeness into a game to be won that is a prelude to fists and swords and guns (it can be done, but probably not by Scrapper) he cannot convince Motormaster of the value of being polite. He can tell Motormaster that he needs to treat his team better or he'll be ousted, but he can't convince Motormaster of the same unless he can frame it as not only not treason (he Will defend the other Stunticons' honor, after all) but the correct Decepticon response, and something that Megatron would approve of, AND that treating his team with kindness and evenhandedness is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength, AND!!!! that Mtoromaster will come over stronger not only to his team but also the rest of the faction if he jumps to violence less and trades on words rather than actions. All of which will require a really deft hand, and one Scrapper doesn't feel like wielding at the moment. ... I think that's one lesson Motormaster will have to learn from experience, actually. I can't see anyone meeting him at his level and also being someone he'd deign to listen to in the first place, so instead he'll have to suffer the consequences of his actions in some way or another to decide that he needs a new first response to conflict outside "roll over and seethe internally" and "literally start beating people"

What it really comes down to is that Motormaster lacks almost every tool in a good leader's arsenal. He is a poor communicator, he is recalcitrant, he is stubborn, he takes his failures out on his team, he claims responsibility for his teammates' successes, he is absolutely ignorant of his own flaws, he has no emotional management skills and even worse emotional mediation skills, he does not work with his subordinates but against them, and he sees nothing wrong with this. He's not entirely to blame because he is new, untested and untried and without any of the experience he would need to actually succeed at this, but he's also got no interest in changing, because he thinks he has this shit in the bag and it's only because he was saddled with a defective team full of idiots who don't know how to listen to him that anything ever goes wrong. And, of course, not only does everyone outside the Sunticons know this, but most of the Stunticons do, too :( Motormaster is the only one who thinks he's doing a decent job. The other Stunticons just also don't know how to do anything different either, since none of them have those skills either, and they've never been led by a team leader who does.

Irt the "age" of the Stunticons, something difficult to quantify because they're adult robots who were built very recently and given 0 guidance on how to be functional people:

The stunticons in general are fascinating to me because they have the like, physical and social standing and skills of a young adult (i'd place them around mid-twenties, given they're new to the Decepticons and could be likened to recent college grads) but absolutely zero life experience whatsoever, and the emotional self-management skills of an older child at best. It makes for a really interesting contradiction because they are like. SO ill suited for basically any task that isn't "go in, shoot autobots, get out" and even then they struggle with that because they don't get along well. Given a little bit of time and patience- and probably some external lessons on "being nice", "using your words", and "communicating issues and then solving them together" like the average person irl gets from the ages of 2-15 lmfao- I think they'd all be able to mature into genuinely effective fighters and a genuinely functional team, but first they like. have to not kill each other or get shot for insubordination lmao

Irt Motormaster trying to start a fight with Scrapper, a large part of the fic, but also regarding his approach to interpersonal dynamics in general, just applied narrowly:

Motormaster doesn't have any emotional processing skills, just like the rest of his team. None of them have any life skills at all. Scrapper is just impossible to rile unless he wants to be riled, and since MM has no way to escalate the situation that wouldn't put him objectively in the wrong (he cannot start hitting people here! they're of the same rank as him and both have seniority, though onslaught's position is significantly more tenuous than Scrapper's, so it's against the rules) so instead he just has to chill the fuck out or leave, which would be retreating, which would be losing. So he can't do that either. Someone help this poor truck, he can't start a fight without getting in trouble :(( his life is so hard :((((

and, finally, in the eternal and hilarious words of my friend @megatronismegagone who summed this all up better than i ever could (because I have to write whole fics to say what others can manage in a few sentences, of course)

his self awareness is at negative 1000 and his dicks bigger than his brain. hes such a fucking dude. oh my god. onslaught needs to kick the shit out of him a few times. actually no he needs someone to dunk him in the ocean and shake him dry every time he does or says some bullshit. his socialization is lower than his self awareness somehow

[transhawks]

So does that mean bakugou is also a abelist too and so was most of the kids in the class since you call Inko one I mean if you are going to go that far

"Go that far"

Let's unpack this because this is more than just an opinion about anime and hopefully what I write can change your opinion on a lot of things going forward in your life. Which is an opportunity I am very happy about. A lot of people really get upset when you call something "ist". Racist, Ableist, Cissexist, etc. Or the phobic words.. You get my meaning. But the upset over it shows that people mistake what is really being said because we think very simplistically about this - that everyone who is an "ist" or a "phobe" is inherently a bad person.

Why? It's due to a lot of people getting caught up in individual actions over the societal motivations behind them. So, if I was to say "every white person is racist" or "every man is a misogynist" it feels like an unfair absolute, right? Not all people are like that, right? What if someone is actively trying to be an exception? The point blank statement feels mean, right? How could you just generalize?

Here's the thing, the reason the general statement is made is because it more talks about society than individuals. What I mean is this - not every white person (in the US or West, though we can talk about other places too) is actively being bigoted, but we are born in societies that have historically (and today too!) been built and profited off the oppression or exploitation of people of color. And like in a lot of things dealing with unfair power structures, there's a lot of motivation to make sure shit does not change you know, which is why people end up, even if they don't realize what they are doing, defending things. Are they trying to be actual bigots? No, not always, and something to learn is that a lot of these ism do not equal just plain bigotry. There's always a power structure behind it, or an imbalance. So, you can find someone who is bigoted but isn't actually being an 'ist'. When a lot of people complain about 'reverse' anything, what they are usually talking about is bigotry, which is an individual action that on its own doesn't confirm or defend a power structure.

I know this is a bit complicated. It took me a few years to grasp it too, but understanding the difference is really important.

Now, let's go back to Bakugou. In my post about Deku and Inko and how Deku states how much her initial reaction to his quirkless was hurt him for much of his childhood, I did mention that Inko admitted she didn't support him. So there's no argument about whether she did or didn't because Inko took accountability for her mistake. Now, the reason she did it in the first place was because she grew up in a society that tells people quirks are their personalities.

I made a post a couple weeks ago about Deku and Hawks and being 'selected' out of their circumstances where I talk about how the Quirkless are sort of seen as lesser humans simply due to the way Quirk society has folded. You can see it the older name given to Ujiko before the changes, and in Izuku being read as 'Deku'; the implication is of wooden people, puppets, etc. Then you have lots of ranting on the MLA part that revealed that a there kid's books that teach kids people aren't always their Quirks but that this is seen as a very PC concept and not really taken in by the population. Sure the average person probably isn't a Geten level supremacist, but we see how the Fox lady was treated when she was walking outside by her neighbors, or how Spinner was bullied, even by his own family, or just what Endeavor did to 'fix his quirk'.

Inko is a 4th generation quirk owner. That means one, or more, of her great-grandparents have been quirk users. Dr. Tsubasa, upon seeing Deku, also says it's rare for someone to be like him these days, implying the statistic given to us by the manga, or the 4:5 are quirk owners, is very much based on age (I've seen people put forth it might also be location based too). Toshinori adds to this by saying it was more common when he was a kid, and he is likely in his 50s.

Okay, so that's the society Izuku is born too, right? Stay with me, I know this is long but we're getting to Katsuki right now.

In the ask that you messaged about where I explain why Inko's initial problem can be criticized, I said what she did is very similar to how parents treat children with disabilities or illnesses. Hence, why you said I was calling her ableist. As I've been trying to explain in this ask Inko may not be actively trying to be 'ableist' and bigoted, but her apologizing to her son was an issue that he felt insecure over. And that this is of course tied into the fact quirk society does not treat the Quirkless well.

You see this early set of panels? This was Deku explaining that Katsuki only began to bully him really when he manifested his quirk. Why? Because there was a clear difference in the way he was treated and the way Deku was.

These panels show Katsuki looking at Deku and seeing how he's being talked about. Children are impressionable and understand that there are these dynamics even if they don't get why. Katsuki is being told here that he's amazing, that he's going to achieve greatness, and being praised. Deku is being whispered about, pitied. They are not the same. It even goes into their teens:

Katsuki is immediately praised even if he was the one in need of rescue. Deku's actions bought time for All Might but he's seen as reckless especially when he's Quirkless. I've said in the post I linked that Deku's amazing traits - his natural skill at analysis, his quick wits and reactions, and dauntless nature are really where he shines, but until he had a quirk, that society didn't see any of that about him. This is a clear example of how much importance people place on quirks. So is it any wonder in a society like this that a little kid like Katsuki soaks it all in?

Deku also calls Katsuki a bully a few times. I'm not going to post the panels here but I collected a few so there's an absolute acknowledgment on Deku's part that he is bullied for being quirkless.

As I said in the previous ask, you can't remove a lot of these actions from greater societal trends. I also, personally, refuse to label Katsuki as an abuser because he is a child and abuse is usually a very intimate thing which is not the relationship Katsuki had as a former friend. He was, however, a bully who does bigoted things like tell Deku to jump off a roof if he wants to be a hero so he can get quirk in the next life. So, he was bullying out of bigotry and doing so out of societal norms and ideals that he has absorbed growing up.

Most children that are bullied are bullied on differences, and a lot of the time it really does fall on the same divides that as adults turn into oppressions. The children's bullying reinforces the same dynamics marginalized faces outside of childhood.

So, to finally answer your question, if 'quirklessness' is pretty much a bnha-verse disability and is treated very similarly some that we have in real life, then yes, Katsuki as a child and a tween was indeed 'ableist'. But again, this is not remarkable..I don't want to say he's exceptionally bigoted even since so much of it was also fueled by his own insecurities and cognitive dissonance when it comes to Izuku. And unlike Inko, who unconsciously hurt Izuku, Katsuki did so actively but, again, he was a child and he is capable of maturing, reforming, and learning which I think perhaps he might be heading to. EDIT: a few hours after I posted this, he apologized to Izuku so he has gotten there! Katsuki was this was because he was raised to be, so outright condemning a 16 year old for a norm doesn't really solve the real issue that it was a norm, does it?

Now, I will say for victims, it's often very hard to parse this too. Even if it's normalized, the individual bigotry of a person does hurt, and it really doesn't matter to kids that it's other kids. It's why a lot of people who are marginalized will bring up childhood memories, because we are shaped so much by our experiences as kids. But kids don't always have cognitive ability to challenge the norms and ideals around them, it's one of the biggest differences between an adult and a child. Making Katsuki out to be 'biggest bigot ever' is not what I am trying do with this ask, and it's silly to think so.

I will thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this answer. I often forget that my style of applying what seem to me very basic concepts in discussions of identity to anime analysis are not as basic I assume. Your ask seemed incredulous but it reads as someone genuinely new to the concept of societal vs individual actions, and how oppression and strata work with that. I hope that whatever you gained from this ask is something you can apply to a realize situation in the future by the dynamics I speak are real life ones, with genuine real consequences, and I'm happy I can use a manga as teaching or outreach tool. Thank you for allowing to do so.

[linkspooky]

A Mafia Member Who Doesn’t Kill

Bungou Stray Dogs chapter 88 has made it clear to me just how strong the Akutagawa and Odasaku parallels are. They are both orphans, raised to kill and taught their only value is the strength of their abilities that they use for killing, only to slowly unlearn that behavior over time. They are both characters who value life above everything else. I’m going to explore the connection more in depth, under the cut.

1. Origins

The temptation might be to parallel Oda to Atsushi, and Akutagawa to Dazai. Not only is Akutagawa Dazai’s first and direct disciple, and currently wearing his coat, but Atsushi has always been “the good one” of the pairing. The one obsessed with being good, and saving people in the way Oda was. Oda is also the closest thing Bungou Stray Dogs has to an example of living the life of “a good man” that all the main characters are currently striving for. However, I would say that it’s Akutagawa who parallels Oda’s life far more than Atsushi. 

Of course Akutagawa parallels Dazai’s life quite a lot as well.He was recruited by Dazai the same way Dazai was recruited by Mori,wears Dazai’s jacket as his most precious possession, but he shares so much in common with Oda too including his origin. 

In their youth they’re both referred to as killers who kill without showing any emotion. They start out completely empty and dead to all feelings inside, because neither of them have experienced anything to give them a reason to value life. 

Fukuzawa suddenly recalled a rumor he had heard about a young redheaded hit man who wielded two pistols, and killed his targets while never showing any emotions. - BSD LN 3

They both kill because they’re strong, and that’s all they’re seen as. Both boys, orphans with nothing else to live for have been gifted with incredibly strong abilities. They kill, they don’t relish in it, they don’t gain anything from it unlike men in positions of power like Mori Ougai because they are ultimately tools, but they kill nonetheless. 

“I’ve been working alone as an assassin for as long as I can remember,” he began. “I’ve never wanted friends or a boss... but seeing a martial artist like you compromise your principles to save one of your men... It makes me kinda jealous. He must be the happiest guy in the world to have you as a boss.” - BSD LN 3

They both start killing as a means of survival, because they are both orphans who have no one to care for them and look out for them. However, they also slowly over time begin to kill as a way to demonstrate their worth. Akutagawa was an orphan who lost the small amount of friends he was protecting, Oda had no organization he was working for, no connections their lives are utterly empty except for their strength so they come to understand killing as something that gives their life meaning and value. If only because there is nothing else for them. 

However, for both of them killing isn’t enough. It’s merely surviving not living. Which is why no matter how strong they become they both remain empty, and they both feel insufficient, and even jealous of others. Oda is jealous of Fuzukawa’s connection to his subordinate, Akutagawa is jealous of Atsushi who is valued and connected to everyone around him and treated better by Dazai. This jealousy is also a realization that they are missing something in themselves but they don’t know what. 

Most skilled hitmen looked down on others as if they were insects. Their eyes were cold and lacked compassion. But this boy’s were different. They weren’t cold or any temperature. They were just empty. Not only was there no compassion or kindness, there was no hate or passion to kill. His eyes were those of a person who had given up on hope and despair - the eyes of a person who had removed himself from emotional things. - BSD LN 3

Both Akutagawa and Oda start at a point where they are killing, not because they enjoy it, or they’re particularly sadistic, or think they are just or right. They kill because it’s the only thing they’re good at. They kill to demonstrate worth. 

This kid’s different from the old me. Perhaps he never felt any joy from killing others. He was probably only killing because he had nothing to do. - BSD LN3

This also plays into a fundamental misunderstanding that Atsushi has of Akutagawa. He basically views Akutagawa as a bully who kills people to flaunt his strength in front of others. 

He doesn’t realize that Akutagawa is strong yes, but that’s all he is. He clings to that strength, because he’s been given no other alternative. He hasn’t been given nearly the opportunities that Atsushi has. If there is a difference between Oda and Akutagawa, Akutagawa is noticably angrier, more resentful, but that’s because anger is the first emotion he ever definitely felt. 

I feel hatred.  I am no longer a dog. I have become a human being with feelings of my own. -’A Heartless Dog’

Akutagawa and Oda are both boys who lived considerably empty lives, that is until they meet somebody who shows them an alternative and changes their lives forever. Oda and Akutagawa meet someone and from then on they want to find meaning in their lives. 

2. An Assassin Who Doesn’t Kill

Akutagawa kills without hesitance, and yet I would say he’s the only character in the manga who values life as much as Oda does. This might seem like a paradox but both of their characters are built around this paradox. That’s why they become mafia members who do not kill. 

Akutagawa’s response to the old man in the latest chapter seems sassy, but Akutagawa’s never sassy, he’s overly serious and sincere about everything. He’s saying what he really thinks. All people are equally alive. Akutagawa is someone especially aware of the value of life, because in the past his life was treated as something so worthless. 

He was not afraid to die. He was thinking perhaps even hell would be a better place to live then here. JJust continuing to live in this state was suffering, after all. 

[...]

What’s the point of our lives? He had once asked travelers in their place this equestion. Why Must I go on living?

It’s because they have both lived through the absolute worst circumstances, that they value life more, and go on searching for these answers. Akutagawa equally treats life as worthless (kills people without hesitation) and also values life (tries to give people a reason to live, tries to justify his own life, tries to fight against the idea that someone from the slums lives a meaningless life). 

When Kyouka finds a reason to live even though he’s not the one that gave it to her, he’s genuinely happy for her. Because Akutagawa values life, and wants people to find a meaning in life even though he kills. 

Akutagawa is currently on the same path Oda is on. The lines in this scene are vague because they’re meant to apply to both Dazai and Akutagawa. He met a certain person, joined a certain organization, and the hope for death in his eyes vanished. 

Oda gave Dazai reason. Dazai gave Akutagawa reason. Oda was also given reason when he met Natsume. All three continue on with a life of empty killing until an outside force intervenes and teaches them there could be something more to life. 

They both come across someone who tells them that there is more to life than just killing. That they are capable of more than that, and they actually follow through and stop killing. Because, Akutagawa, and Oda deep down respect life. As cruel and heartless as they can be, Akutagawa is also one of the most heartfelt and respectful characters in the series when he opens up. 

Akutagawa and Oda are people who understand other people on a level deep down, because they’re genuinely interested in the lives of others. Akutagawa is the only person who thinks about Atushi in a deep way, in ways Atusshi doesn’t even really want to understand himself. Oda is the first person to treat Dazai like a person, behind the genius. They understand, even the ugly parts of people because they don’t really look away from the dark parts of the world, of life, because no one’s experienced life’s cruelty like they have. Oda sees Dazai for who he is, and tells him that helping people probably won’t make him feel good, and that he’ll never feel good, but he should help people anyway because he’s capable of doing good. 

Oda is the one who started the journey in an assassin trying to find meaning in life, but he didn’t finish it. In the end Oda’s character arc ends tragically, and his path is half finished. Because, Oda eventually chooses death. 

I think a lot of people don’t realize this character flaw of Oda, because he’s usually such a good example, but he chose to kill again, chose to become a martyr to Dazai because he genuinely gave up on living when it became too hard for him again. 

“Odasaku...” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording, but - don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be something...” - BSD, Osamu Dazai and the Dark Era

Oda died because of tragic circumstances yes, but Oda also dies because he chose death. He chose the escape. He chose the easier path. There were still people that needed him even after he lost the orphans, people like Dazai, and Akutagawa who were orphans in need of help as well and Oda chose to let go of them. 

Oda gave up on his attempt to find meaning in life, because the best way to find meaning in life is simply by living it. 

‘People live to say themselves, it’s something they realize right before they die, eh?’ - BSD, Osasmu Dazai and the Dark Era

Oda chooses to die for the sake of someone else, rather than living for himself. While that’s a tragic choice it’s also a bad choice with consequences, because now there’s nobody around to help Dazai and Akutagawa who also appeared in light novel two and who both needed him to some extent. 

In that sense Akutagawa can be stronger than Oda. Their lives are parallels but they’re also exact opposites. Akutagawa starts out by losing every orphan he was trying to take care of. Oda finishes his life when he loses the orphans who he was trying to raise and protect. 

The choice they make in those moemnts is the opposite ones. Akutagawa tries to choose simply revenge at first the exact same way as Oda did, but when he meets Dazai he realizes there was something he wanted even more than revenge. 

The question resounded in Akutagawa’s heart, and a single answer floated to the surface. Something he qished for. His heart’s desire.  The lowest of the low. In a world that was the lowest of the low, it was a wih that could never possibly be granted.  Akuagawa had to force the words out of his dry, trembling throat. “I want to find a reason... a meaning to my life.” - SHORT STORY A HEARTLESS DOG

Akutagawa wants to live for himself, stronger than even Oda did. Whereas, Oda stops wanting everything. 

Dazai paused before continuing. “I would be able to find something - a reason to live.” 

I looked at him; he looked back at me. 

“I wanted to be a novelist.” I said. “I thought I wouldn’t deserve such a life if I killed someone during a mission. That’s why I never killed anyone. But that’s all in the past. There’s only one thing I want now.” - BSD VOLUME 2, Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era

Oda’s words to Dazai to conitnue to live are meaningful, but he’s also a hypocrite to those words. He tells Dazai to live on, when he made the choice to go off and die. While, Akutagawa as dirty, and arduous as his path is, is the one who keeps struggling to live no matter what like a stray dog starving in the streets.

Which is why Akutagawa is the one who is going to finish what Oda started so long ago, and be the true inheritor to his will. Utlimately, I predict, that’s the path his character development and arc are going to take him. 

[archive-of-the-guild]

 Character Bio and rules are below the line

You can call me Shadow. i’m a 28yo male that hasn’t rped in years. Last time i did was i think 3 maybe 4 years ago so i am plenty rusty. I know this doesn’t say a lot about me but if there’s anything you’d like to know, just ask.

About Karisa

Name: Karisa

Race: Tiefling: A Humanoid people descended from humans who made pacts or crossbred with demons.

Age: 18

Height: 6'3"

Hair color: black

Occupation: Golemancer, Adventurer, occasional Blacksmith

Appearance: As a tiefling, Karisa has several traits that distinguishes her from Humans. She has Lavender colored skin, ice blue eyes, two horns, pointed ears, and a 4 foot long tail.

Personality: When it comes to enemies, Karisa can be downright ruthless. if she hates them bad enough, she will leave an enemy broken but alive to let them try again. She swears a LOT around everyone no matter who they are with the exception of children and has a habit of making enemies through her mannerisms. She’s bad enough with her words that there have been jokes made about weaponizing her lexicon and isn’t afraid to cuss out friends! BUT if you can take her words with a grain of salt and actually befriend her, then no matter what she says to you, she will protect you with her life. In her words, “You may be a cunt, but you’re MY cunt. And no one FUCKS with my cunt!”

Background:

Karisa was born on a small farm and raised by her parents until she reached the age of 8 when they passed away. Since then she would delve into golemancy as a way to cope, keeping her hands busy and moving foreword as best as she can. This is around the time she found the large crystal that would become Grom’s core. At the age of 10, she made her way to the city with her golem Grom, who was wood at the time, to try and become an adventurer. There she met the Dwarf Bormi who gave her a place to stay and taught her in the ways of the blacksmith.

Modern Verse (Hazbin Verse rewrite):

Karisa is Tiefling who was born into an organization known as The Adventurer’s Guild. The purpose of this organization is to deal with supernatural threats to society as a whole by hunting down creatures, artifacts, books, and other things that could pose a danger. If it can’t be recruited, it is to be either destroyed or relocated. People of course know about them but there is a general distrust of the organization due to their habit of employing non-humans and the Guild’s use of magic.

When it comes to the forces of Heaven and Hell, the Guild was able to get their hands on a blueprint for portal technology. The portal they have doesn’t always work and sometimes accesses realms other than Heaven or Hell. This can have a tendency to get adventurers stuck in realms outside of earth.

Skills-

Golemancy: Throughout her life, Karisa has made a variety of golems. These golems can me made from just about any solid material if given enough time. Golems made from metal, stone, wood, and even flesh are within her area of expertise. Her favorite golem is an 8 foot tall minotaur automaton she named Grom.

Cooking: Karisa LOVES to cook. She’s always experimenting with different dishes and creating a few of her own.

Basic Martial Arts: Since she turned 13, Karisa has trained with a quarterstaff and dagger so that if her golems failed, she could still take care of herself.

Magic: In addition to Golemancy, she has a small arsenal of spells at her disposal.

Fire Spells: All Tieflings are capable of fire magic. Fireball, Burning Hands, and Firewall to name a few. Using fire helps her a lot if she has to weld parts together on a golem.

Lightning Spells: Karisa can perform rudimentary lightning spells but this mostly equates to coating her hand in electricity to use. The strength of this can range from the power of a normal stun gun to enough power to jumpstart a city’s electrical grid.

3D Movement: This is a form of wind magic that allows her to “kick” the air. by doing this, Karisa can give off the impression that she is flying. This does not mean she stays in the air, only that she can move in it. she usually only uses this to get over walls or cliffs or maybe to get into a tree.

Empathy Link: This is something she originally learned in order to better deal with golems in order to find out what their orders are. it can be used on other creatures and objects to get a kind of idea of either how they are feeling or how they are used. She MUST make contact with the palm of her hand for this to work.

Golem Creation: As a golemancer, Karisa carries a number of golem cores on her at all times. These cores can often be infused into whatever matter she chooses to create a quick golem in the field. These golems aren’t as effective as one she has time to prepare but they get the job done. Golem cores are also extremely volatile! Damaging a core will cause any magic in it to go haywire and explode in relation to the core’s size. This makes golems and their cores effective bombs if she needs to!

Golem Override: This is a skill that allows Karisa to manually control her golems and see through their eyes. HOWEVER this is only a last resort because it leaves her immobile and defenseless. 

Please send Karisa questions and asks either from yourself or your characters! i will fill this out as i go!

Rules

1: i am all for fight scenes and such but please do not god-mod. meaning do not assume what happens to my character. (EX: “My character fires a gun and hits your character in the shoulder.” or “Your character tried to dodge but my character cuts off their arm before they can.”) In my responses, i’ve taken to rolling a dice to determine whether or not my character gets hit and how badly she gets hit. I do not mind my character dying in a particular thread so long as it is discussed at length beforehand and is necessary for the development of the plot. communication is key for stuff like this.

2: Don’t send hate. I don’t mind criticizing because it helps me reflect on how i’m doing. Hate is just a dick move though.

3: I reserve the right to choose whether or not i rp or answer an ask. There will be times that i don’t have the inspiration or motivation to continue it or there is not enough for me to go on. An example of this would be if i responded to an rp and the response i get back is “Character ducks.” or something as equally short.

4: I don’t mind reminders but i DO mind spamming. I will mostly be rping either on the weekends or some afternoons when i can get up the motivation. DO NOT spam me reminders every day or every other day. I have a 5 month old son and a job that has me working monday to thursday with the occasional friday up to 12 hours a day. Those come first.

5: You will see a lot of stuff on here that i will do my best to tag from gore to n//s//f//w// threads. If there is anything in particular you would like me to tag when it shows up, please let me know! Anything truly spicy will placed uner a read more and tagged as “Read at your own Risk!::NSFPC” (nsfpc stands for not safe for public consumption.

6: While i accept starters, memes, questions and comments through asks, starters and starter memes WILL be turned into a post to start a thread. I will not rp through constant asks because this can lead to more dash clutter than the post will. That being said, i will trim the post before it gets too long and will try to have any appropriate tags on it.

7: THERE WILL BE LOTS AND LOTS OF SWEARING! Enough that i will not be tagging it because it is everywhere! I will not tone down her swearing except around child muses because this is part of her character and i ask that you please understand.

8: When it comes to shipping, Karisa will make things fairly clear on whether or not she wants to be with your character. I love shipping but i also know that not everyone will ship their characters with Karisa and that's perfectly fine! Karisa WILL flirt and get touchy with people she's interested in but if the mun or character they are controlling doesn't want that, TELL HER! Not me. HER. Have your character reject her advances, tell her "no" or even smack the shit out of her if she gets too handsy! I will not be upset and i will completely understand! A lot of people plan ships out and tell others there has to be chemistry, but as I'm thinking about it, im going to be removing that little section from my rules. Why? Because failed ships have the potential to create drama, angst, and even enemies if done properly! If she comes onto a character and it makes you uncomfortable or you're just not interested, EXPRESS IT THROUGH YOUR CHARACTER! The same will apply to her! The only time i will have any sort of problem is if she says no, gets into a fight, and you try to godmod it to your liking or try to guilt ME about it. My character makes up her own mind about how to do things just like yours.

I may add more rules as time goes on but it’s pretty straightforward. Don’t be afraid to come and talk to me! I’m pretty open about things and i would love to see you around! Come and join me on discord for more Mun stuff! Just make sure you edit your name to match your tumblr url so i know who you are please! https://discord.gg/6ftZuSP8XH 

[kazeofthemagun]

Kaze - Character Tropes

[A thing I compiled for fun for my portrayal of Kaze and all my headcanons. There is so much stuff on TVTropes that I may keep adding as I go. He does have a page on it but it's lackluster for my taste XD but here it is.]

[Putting all this crap under a read more cuz that is long.]

Purpose-Driven Immortality / Regenerative Immortality - as long as the prophecy holds and Chaos still exists, Kaze cannot die. When his body is killed, he comes back through regeneration, centered on the Magun.

Soul Jar - the Magun, specifically, his heart that had been transplanted into it and bound him to the Gun Dragon sealed in the Demon Weapon. The vial is warded by very potent magic - supposedly, only another Unlimited has the power to break it.

Touched by Vorlons - granted immortality by Bahamut, the Gun Dragon, upon being accepted as Magun's prophecized perfect wielder - Unlimited.

Cybernetic Mythical Beast - the Gun Dragon and how he came to be - made from the slain Bahamut's corpse and infused with tech, animated by his still-living soul. As such, all Summon Spirits that come from the Gun Dragon and his Magun are also biomechanical in nature.

Dracolich - Gun Dragon is technically undead, while also reinforced with machinery to create a "perfect Weapon". He's forged from parts of his own corpse, bones showing through such as the arms, legs, exposed spine.

Draconic Abomination - Gun Dragon.

Dragons are Divine - Gun Dragon as the Windarian God of Destruction - the title gets passed on to Kaze as his chosen and vessel. Also War God.

BFG - Magun is fucking massive.

Bling-Bling-Bang! - Magun seems to be made of gold, but is really composed of an unidentified alien metal. Shiny tho.

He Who Hunts Monsters - fanatical levels of obsession with hunting everything Chaotic. (His title of choice being literally the Hunter of Chaos, Hunter for friends.) Definitely partially a personal vendetta - his whole world was devoured and his own mind was ripped nigh to shreds - but also a purpose felt strongly through the connection with Magun/Gun Dragon, a Demon Weapon forged specifically to combat Chaos that activates only at its scent, pre-repaired verse. Almost leads to a Van Helsing Hate Crime against Ai and Yu - luckily, Kaze is not that merciless and spares the kids for wanting to live as humans and not demons. All in all, Kaze/Gun Dragon are a cosmic force that opposes Chaos till the end of time. Also Married To The Job.

Collateral Damage - piss him off and you're gonna go. Alongside everything in approximately a 5 mile radius of where you're standing. (Thankfully he learns more restraint with time, attempting to minimize casualties where possible. Still, if ending Chaos requires sacrifices.. so be it.) Probably also Inferred Holo//caust in FFU. He had blown up huge chunks of land to end his foes. Likely killed people or at least animals :/

The Stoic - His personality archetype.

Weak to Magic - Blue Elenium, a special type of water magic that corrupts Soil. As an extension, Kaze is harmed more by water magic in general, seeing as the energy messes with Soil flow.

Trauma Button - having his hand held/touched suddenly. It brings painful memories of his sister, Aura, who died holding his hand. Under Chaos' influence, it was one of the only memories Kaze still had of her, rendering the trigger particularly intense and sending him into dissociative episodes. Furthermore, a fear of Gaudian flowers - the blue phantom flowers that herald the arrival of Chaos. Suffers from visions and nightmares of a very gory nature that involve said flowers.

Shell-Shocked Veteran - of the War with Chaos.

Loners are Freaks - he is an introvert born to a society that abhors weakness as disgraceful and sinful. Has trouble connecting with people - but he also (mostly) doesn't need to. Due to the nature of his quest, accepts his fate as the one who will never fit in anymore. "I am the monster who hunts monsters so that you may sleep at night human. It is a thankless job."

Beware the Quiet Ones - his silence precedes a storm. When he speaks, his words boom as thunder - be they a roar or a whisper. This man wastes no words.

Aloof Ally - self-explanatory.

Tranquil Fury - most of the time. Also, Rage Breaking Point applies when facing Kumo mid-show. Except Kumo promptly wrecks him, without much effort involved. It is only later (After-series) that Kaze recovers most of his power and sanity, and gains equal footing to his rival.

Firing One-Handed - can only do so this way. Only has one hand 99% of the time, the other is bound to the Magun and is reformed only to fire it.

Guns vs Swords - him and Kumo - Demon Gunman vs Demon Swordsman. Gun Dragon vs Sword Dragons.

Hand Cannon - Magun, to a lesser degree Orthrus.

I call it "Vera" - with Orthrus, named after the patron shepherd dog spirit of the sun's blood-haired children.

Improbable Aiming Skills - especially with the Gun Demon sight.

Overheating - the Magun when too many summonings are performed too quickly. As an extension of it, Kaze himself. May result in a death via Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Sawed-off Shotgun - Orthrus, double barreled.

Sniper Pistol - Orthrus.

Trigger Happy - self-explanatory.

Ancestral Weapon - the Magun, passed down the line of the Windarian summoner prodigies.

Made of Indestructium - the Magun, which cannot be broken by anyone short of another Unlimited.

Living Weapon - the Magun. Also, Legendary Weapon.

Shapeshifter Weapon - the Magun, a part of Kaze's body - gauntlet, windmill, gun. Replaces his right arm.

Only the Chosen May Wield - the Magun.

They Call Him "Sword" - except, gun. Kaze views himself as more of a weapon than a person at times. Makes sense, considering he is one - his true body is the Magun, which houses his heart, binds his soul and consciousness, and serves as the core from which his regenerative immortalitysets to work.

Nemesis Weapon - Kaze's Magun to Kumo's Maken. While forged for the same purpose, they govern conflicting energies. Also, Sword vs Gun.

Weapon Wields You - the Magun to Kaze with its funky laser-guided teleportation, always going after Chaos. Oh, Chaos' signature is underneath the ocean? Too bad.

Equippable Ally - Kaze, after reducing himself to the Magun and having Kumo and Lisa wield him to bring out the Gun Dragon.

Human Weapon - Kaze, literally.

Become Your Weapon - Kaze with the Magun.

This is a Drill - the Magun's Soil engine that activates Soil through spiral motion. Combined with a wholeass windmill.

Spectacular Spinning - the Magun's windmill. Plainly put, Spin to Deflect Stuff. Also, Blow You Away applies due to the Tornado Move.

Deadly Rotary Fan - the Magun's windmill used offensively.

Swirling Dust - Soil Spiral on the winds generated by the Magun.

Transformation Is A Free Action - seems to be the case in the series. May not be the case always.

Mechanical Lifeforms - Gun Dragon and all its summons.

Badass Cape - of course.

When Things Spin, Science Happens - the Magun's spinning shenanigans empower Soil.

Stock Footage - the summonings. He is become budget, Destroyer of Chaos. Also Transformation Sequence. Guy has a routine.

Running Gag - his spontaneous appearances, seemingly from nowhere.

Emergency Transformation - soul reforged into a Soil bullet, summoning himself as the Gun Dragon.

Elemental Powers - all the summon spirits.

Soul Power - Soil.

Soul-Powered Engine - the Magun/Gun Dragon.

Merger of Souls - Kaze with all of Magun's leftover Soil, as well as Bahamut's soul that animates Gun Dragon. Also Many Spirits Inside Of One - Endless White as the confluence of all the colors.

Emphatic Weapon - the Magun has a mind of its own, considering it is a vessel for the Gun Dragon.

Shoot the Hostage Taker - with Soljashy. Goddammit, Lisa.

Theme Music Power Up - Demon Gun Dissolve and Demon Gun Shot.

Black Blood - Kaze's blood, corrupted by the Magun's smoke. His earring, made of his own red blood mixed with tree sap, is a reminder of when he was still fully human. Technically also Machine Blood - it serves as a coolant for Magun and catalyst for Soil. Furthermore, My Blood Runs Hot - whenever Magun malfunctions. May be dangerous, as already mentioned.

Important Haircut - Kaze wears his hair long specifically as a "fuck you" to Windarian folk beliefs related to the blood hair curse.

Dark-Skinned Redhead - self-explanatory.

Death Glare - his usual go-to method of communication.

Icy Blue Eyes - a cold stare.

Eyes Do Not Belong There - Gun Dragon, with four eyes on the chest and one on the belly in addition to the four already on its head, also, many other summons, such as Phoenix or Raiden.

Glowing Eyes of Doom - Kaze's special Gun Demon crosshairs eyes, for when the time comes to be particularly scary.

True Sight - Kaze is capable of seeing through most basic illusions due to an extremely sharp spirit sense. Can see certain types of ghosts. Also Supernatural Sensitivity.

Cool Shades - wears a dark lens over his left eye to minimize distraction via Orthtus' muzzle flash. Also, Sunglasses At Night.

Megane - lol.

Lean And Mean - also lol.

Jerkass - he is. Sometimes Jerk With A Heart Of Gold.

Facial Markings - the wave on his nose and the solar marks under his eye.

Power Tattoo - the Embrace (Gun Dragon's claws upon the shoulders.)

Fingerless Gloves - wears an archery glove that covers the pointing finger and thumb only.

Eccentric Artist - also outside of battle. Primarily a poet, draws sometimes.

Being Tortured Makes You Evil - by Chaos, after being possessed. Returned to being good-aligned after some time.

Brainwashed And Crazy - by Chaos, to obsessively hunt Kumo. Now recovered. Also Mind Rape.

Laser-Guided Amnesia - his memory loss and subsequent insane pursuit of Kumo mid-show.

Curse - according to his people's folklore, the unusual color of his hair.

Stress-Induced Mental Voices - happens a lot, bothin hallucinations and the Soil speaking.

Heroic Willpower - to stand strong against Chaos.

Dark and Troubled Past - everything about him. Everything. Also Born Unlucky - cursed from the start.

Sole Survivor - of Windaria's fall.

Last of His Kind - last Windarian.

Meaningful Name - Black Wind.

Rite Of Passage Name Change - from the nickname "Wolf" to his current name, as granted by his clan.

Driven to Madness - first somewhat by his pursuit of power, then more so by Chaos.

No Medication For Me - good luck getting him to medicate for his issues. Chances are it would not work anyway due to his altered nature.

There Are No Therapists - on Windaria.

Good Thing You Can Heal - gets injured or killed multiple times during his quest. Good thing he's immortal, right?

I Can Still Fight! - frequently, especially when Kumo is somehow involved.

Organ Dodge - his heart is no longer in his chest.

Wound That Will Not Heal - still feels a type of phantom pain where his heart once was - the surgery scar is the only scar that refuses to heal.

An Arm And A Leg - the Magun essentially removed his right arm below the elbow.

Arm Cannon - the Magun.

Artificial Limbs - the Magun, replacing Kaze's right arm.

Handicapped Badass - despite possessing only one hand (when Magun not thawed).

Don't You Dare Pity Me! - Kaze and most of the Wind Warriors' culture in general.

All Are Equal In Death - as Soil.

Anti-Hero - also Pragmatic Hero.

The Cynic - self-explanatory.

Badass Creed - “From the Glory of Death, for the Glory of Life.”

Battle Cry - “Soil is my power!” Also Catchphrase and Calling Your Attacks.

Pre-Asskicking One-Liner - sometimes. "What is the matter with the Magun? Why won't you use it?"

Giving Someone the Pointer Finger - “The Soil Charge Triad to use on you has been decided!”

Big Brother Instinct - around Aura.

Parental Abandonment - never knew his parents, grew up on the streets as an orphan.

Summon Magic - Soil-Adherents train in Soil summonings - the Magun allows Kaze control over all summons, except ones of Mist.

Summoning Ritual - the Soil Charge Triad.

Offscreen Teleportation - played for comedic value. Is actually Soil Spiral teleportation, though.

Forced Sleep - induced by Kumo, causing Kaze to slumber for twelve years. Sleep, bitch!

Mage Marksman - self-explanatory.

Warrior Poet - "The gilding of a blood indomitable... True Sanguine."

Religion is Magic - the Soil poetry is sacred to Windarian summoners.

Dark Messiah - as the Dark Unlimited, Hunter of Chaos.

Duelling Messiahs - him and Kumo, who fits the light end of the spectrum. But will Makenshi's purity serve him? Hmm...

In Love With Your Carnage - You can kill efficiently and potentially kick his ass? Hot. Also Power is Sexy.

Magitek - the Magun and all its summons.

Human Alien - Windarians, Kaze's species. Also Proud Warrior Race.

Martyrdom Culture - the Missionary caste Soil-martyring for the Adherents.

[skvaderarts]

Hitaeth Chapter 45: Pastimes

Masterlist can be found Here!

Chapter Forty-Five: Pastimes

Note: I rediscovered the Ghost in a Shell theme song Inner Universe last night at 4 am. Words are not enough to describe how it makes me feel. I just needed someone to know that. Enjoy the chapter.

(-~-)

They had long since passed the point of concern and fallen into the territory of worry.

Even equipped with the knowledge that time flowed differently in the underworld than it did in the human realm, and the reality that that was probably where he’d gone, the fact that the eldest Son of Sparda had been gone this long without a word was enough to make them worry. The young summoner has taken an impromptu trip furniture shopping just under a week ago, and today the furniture had been delivered for hell's sake. Where on earth had Vergil disappeared to?

V sat in the living room with Griffon, Shadow, and Flora, the latter of which was indulging in an interesting hobby for someone as young as she was: cross stitching. He’d been surprised to learn that she could do something like that in the first place, to be honest. V had never seen anyone aside from stereotypical older ladies indulge in such a practice, so it was a pleasant change of pace. She had also crocheted a few times as well, and her interests seemed to be split between them. But either way, he was intrigued by her skills.

Much to his fascination, she seemed to be able to do this while reading, using her abilities to turn the pages of the book and even move it a small distance. She’d even used her abilities to help move a few smaller pieces of furniture around the room when V had changed his mind on their placement and the movers had been long gone. It was the sort of ability that he would kill to have. He could only imagine how useful it would be to be able to read while he did random tasks around the house. He would get so much done!

From what he’d been told by her, it was extremely difficult to actually do what she did, and it had taken her years of practice to learn the fundamentals. She was only now going into more advanced studies, the very things she’d been reading up on while indulging in her hobbies. She’d also told him that his family's natural inclination towards things like air stepping, rappid dashing, and teleportation was genuinely fascinating to her since basically no one in her family knew how to do that without set doors to move them from place to place. From what he could tell, she lamented this somewhat, but was still clearly impressed by it. Perhaps it would be best to refrain from telling her that he could teleport. No need to get himself punched.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while now what that scroll did.”

“You consented to have a spell placed over your home without understanding its effects first? Poor form.” She said with a mischievous smile, turning the page in the book and glancing over towards it as she continued her project. “No matter, I should have double-checked with you first. That’s my bad. It’s a general protection ward. Darkness cannot touch anything within the confines of this building. Think of it the way that movies always depict churches functioning. How demons cannot enter them because they are sacrosanct and such.”

He had to admit that was an interesting prospect. He hoped that it would actually work towards keeping demons at bay in the way that she had described. He was perfectly capable at holding his own in a fight with a few average demons, and didn’t have much trouble against some of the bigger ones, but that didn’t mean he wanted to have to fend them off every time that he left the house. They seemed to be attracted to him, and it probably wouldn’t be too difficult for them to just follow him home.

“So what in particular does it protect against? Just demons and the like? Or something else?”

“No, all manner of things. Fires, floods, pestilence. Anything unsightly. You name something run of the mill and it probably guards against it. And only those who you will to enter shall be able to step foot on the premises.” She sat the cross stitch project down and walked around the couch, en route to the kitchen. It was noon, and she would be remiss if she didn’t have a cup of tea.” It should significantly halt the progress of any negative effects placed on you as well. Can I get you anything?”

“One can only hope that the last thing you mentioned applies in this case.” He sighed softly, quietly acknowledging the fact that slowly but surely he did feel a change of some sort. It was hard to place exactly what it was going if anything, but he made a point of not dwelling on it. Anything that could slow the spread was welcome. “Nothing in particular. I’m open to recommendations.”

With a polite shrug and a nod, she headed towards the kitchen, leaving V alone with his thoughts and his familiars for a moment. He glanced over at Griffon, noting that the mouthy bird seemed to be snoozing on top of a pile of books that they had been sorting a short while ago. The pair had needed a break from that task, having spent the better part of the last week working on it. But at least they had reached the last box and he would soon be able to enjoy full shelves and rest his eyes before inevitably ruining them again with more reading. Perhaps another trip to Redgrave city could be in the cards at some point? Better yet, what had become of that flower that he’d brought Magnolia a while back? He had to remind himself to ask her about it. He couldn’t place why, but its omission from consciousness bothered him.

Peering over at the other end of the couch, he noticed that Shadow was awake now, the large panther seemingly just relaxing and enjoying the small amount of light that decorated the room they were in. It was a blissful sort of silence, the large panther clearly content with her current surroundings. He sometimes wondered what went on in her head. She was clearly an intelligent creature, equally as much as Griffon if not more so. She just couldn’t speak to him. And then there was the matter of his third familiar. What had become of Nightmare? It was something he thought about from time to time. Could he get him back? And would he have to endure the same treatment that he had the last time that he’d attempted to gain control over the demon?

He shuddered at the thought. He’d nearly died the first time… 

After several minutes of blissful silence, she returned with a tray that held a tea set. She had borrowed it from Magnolia when she’d informed her that she might be staying for a little while and simply couldn’t live without access to the tea. V had welcomed the surprise edition to his basically nonexistent dish collection, even if it was only temporary. He enjoyed most hot drinks given the fact that he was basically always cold. He had no reason to turn down a good cup of tea.

“Do you feel weaker at all? Is there anything noticeably different?” She asked as she put down the tray and sat down on the other end of the couch. She seemed to pick up on the fact that something was off suddenly. A sudden shift in the atmosphere that she couldn’t place but knew originated from him. It wouldn’t hurt to ask. After all, how else was she going to figure that out?

V looked at her quietly for what felt like forever but was actually just a few quiet seconds as he tried to figure out how to put what he felt into words. There was no pain, strangely enough, and there was no notable shift in his energy levels. He couldn’t say that he felt noticeably stronger or weaker. He just felt… different as though something had changed about him and he was searching every atom his body contained to try and figure it out. But regardless of the effort he put into doing that, he wasn’t getting anywhere.

“There is and there isn’t. I can’t say definitively. What I can say is that I hope this situation is taken care of before I am required to find out.” A pause then and then another sigh, as he took a sip of the tea that she had brought him. Whatever this was, it was delicious. “Perhaps it is simply knowing what may be over the horizon that’s the problem. Or it could be the not knowing. After all, how can I hope to know what Belial truly wants from me? I know it isn’t anything I want to have any part in, but aside from that, his mind is truly an enigma to me.”

She leaned over and rested her elbow on her shoulder, peering at him in a studied silence before recoiling slightly and leaning back against the couch. She too took a sip of her drink before placing it back on the shelf. It seemed that she was correct in her assumption that something might not be right, but not in the way that she had originally thought.

“You're having a hard time putting it into words, aren’t you?”

A nod then. Yes, he was having a problem doing that. It was strange to him how something as basic and nebulous as thinking about what the future might hold had such a profound negative effect on him that it genuinely unnerved him. Initially, he had assumed that it might be an effect of the curse, the negative influence of the devil prince weighing on him like a dark storm cloud looming in the distance, but the more he thought about it, the more he wondered if that was truly the case. Was it something more that he just couldn’t put his finger on?

“... Have you ever walked into a vast room filled with familiar objects, perhaps ones you placed their yourself and cross paths with often only to immediately know that something was out of place, but despite searching and searching in every conceivable spot that it could be, you found nothing and were forced to leave but unable to shake the fact that you know something isn’t right? And then you have to continue onward and the feeling starts to grow and grow until you just start to consider that maybe nothing was ever wrong in the first place and it was just you?”

She stared at him, not answering the question, but taking the time to think about what her answer might actually mean in the grand scheme of things. Was “loaded question” the correct term to use for something like that? No, this was much too personal and borderline philosophical for that to be the case. This had more to do with him than it did the effects of the curse. Perhaps the curse was causing him to dwell on things that he shouldn’t but she wondered if that was the actual cause of whatever thoughts had led him to saying something like that.

“When you say that, are you talking about the effect that the devil prince has over you that you can’t identify, or are you talking about yourself?”

For a moment, V just sat there. He was genuinely unsure as to how he could answer that question. He’d just considered that same thing in his own way, but hadn’t realized that it was the question he’d asked himself. Seconds turned into minutes as he just sat there, trying to place the part of his brain that might contain that answer. When nothing came to him, he simply sighed and decided to try his very best to actually put what he thought into words. He doubted that it would make any sense, but it was the only thing he could do at this point.

“Both, I suppose. I have my own personal issues to attend to. There is no denying that… but this situation certainly isn’t helping.”

“Understandable.” She said, taking a final sip of her tea. She then poured another, and began fixing it the way that she liked. “Then let’s do everything we can to get it sorted out. I have a feeling that things are going to work themselves out.”

V wasn’t entirely sure why her words affected him the way that they did, but he believed her. Perhaps it was because that was all that he could do right now. He had to continue to hold it together until his father returned, and then they could pitch the idea they had to him. All he had to do now was wait and keep calm in spite of his situation. From what he understood, it took about six weeks for his father and uncle to return from the underworld the first time, and they thought that they had only been gone for a few days. It was highly possible that Vergil simply hadn’t noticed the passage of time like they had. He would just continue to wait and see what happened.

The young summoner knew that he probably wouldn’t say as much, but he was glad that Flora was here to keep him company. He’d probably go crazy if he was forced to sit inside for his safety all day with just his familiars to keep him company. He adored them, but there was some merit to having a companion around, at least once in a while. In moderation, well, it was fine. But frequently? He’d literally move house before he’d accept the presence of constant, uninvited company.

But just as that thought entered his mind, a cold chill crawled up his spine. He had a strange feeling that something was wrong, and this time, it wasn’t anything having to do with him. Something was coming. He could just feel it.

(-~-)

“Honestly Dante, I’m never going to understand why you even try to play poker with me. You already know what’s going to happen.”

Cards hit the worn surface of the fold-out card table as Patty reached across the space between them and slid the black and red pieces towards her, shaking her head as she did so. Dante had never once succeeded in beating her, and it was mind-boggling to her that he still tried. At first, she had assumed that he had been allowing her to beat him as a young child, but as the years passed, she realized that he genuinely just sucked at any form of gambling.”

“You know, Patty, I was just thinking the same thing,” Trish said with a nonchalant shrug as she took another bite of the pizza that sat on the owner of the devil hunting establishment’s desk in the middle of the room. They had brought over a few after finishing up a job for Morrison. It was probably best to come over and pay their longtime friend a visit and distract Dante for a few minutes, at least from what Nero had told them when they had called to see how he was doing.

According to the youngest of the Sparda descendant quartet, Dante was only barely hiding the fact that he was actually starting to wonder where Vergil had gone off to and what he had managed to get himself mixed up with this time. How was he supposed to rest easy knowing that he could literally be anywhere doing anything? Vergil was capable and had certainly been through worse, but his previous track record with his brother proved that he wasn’t as indestructible as either of them would like to believe. And the fact that he had left angry hadn’t helped, either.

“Look Vergil… just come back already. You’ve gotta stop doing this to me. I’m getting too old to be worrying about you like this. And you’ve got kids. And grandkids. They all need you back here. Just… ” 

Dante thought to himself quietly, wondering if anyone noticed his intermittent silence. He smirked, shaking his head playfully as Patty stole all the chips yet again, only half paying attention to the game in the first place. He saw what his friends were trying to do, and he certainly did appreciate it, but he couldn’t help but worry over his twin. They had made quite a bit of progress in the short time that they had been back. Well, it was a short time in comparison to the lifetime that they had spent apart, but either way, not very long. It seemed unlike him these days to just leave and not say anything at all.

… Now he knew how Nero must have felt when he did that very same thing to him and left for six weeks to take a scenic tour of the underworld with Vergil. In retrospect, that had been a massive dick move, leaving him at the top of the Qliphoth to clean up the mess and wonder for the rest of his life if they would ever return. He hadn’t meant to do that to him, but it didn’t change the fact that that was actually what he’d done. Once Vergil returned and they all met up again, he would have to say as much. And he would return. Somewhere deep down, he just knew it. In one form or another, he always did. But for now, he would allow him to enjoy his peace and quiet with his family. He probably needed them now more than ever.

“I wonder how that brother of yours would do in a game against me? Do you think he’d win?” Patty said, making a funny face at Dante, clearly trying to snap him out of the slump he was in. He could only hide it so well, and in that moment that he had allowed his mind to wander, he had returned to a dark place that he didn’t like to visit. One that reminded him of when he had first met the lovely young blond girl.

“Absolutely not.” He said, noticing for a moment that his older twin would have probably said the very same should he have been there. He absolutely hated to lose, and despite the fact that he was certain that he had no idea how to play, he knew that he was pretty enough to learn just for this occasion. Or would that be driven? A mixture of both, then.

“Now that is something I would pay to see,” Lady announced from the other side of the room, laughing to herself as she stopped leaning on the desk and headed over towards the couch. Lucia shook her head and retracted her legs to provide her with room to sit. Dante had a comfortable couch, and she had made herself comfortable on it. Watching Dante play games with his young blond friend brought a happy smile to her face. She could tell that there was quite a bit of history between him and everyone in this room. It was good to know that he had so many friends that cared about him.

Even though I am not one for bets, especially coin tosses'' She shot Dante a fake grumpy glare, barely hiding the blush that formed on her face as he scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment. “I wouldn’t mind taking that one.”

Both Lady and Trish shared a slightly wide-eyed glance between one another before looking at Lucia and then Dante. The three women then locked eyes and held their gazes for a moment before Lady shook her head and Trish just closed her eyes and laughed a bit to herself. Dante stared at all three of them in confusion, not noticing the mouth agape stare that was plastered across Patty’s face. But to be fair, that wasn’t the only thing he didn’t notice.

Across the office, the distant sound of a low, barely audible sound became noticeable, stopping every few moments before continuing, barely louder each consecutive time. The door was locked due to the fact that they were closed for the time being, so it could literally have been anything from a stray cat to a random member of the public who had wandered in off of the street. But after a moment, each set of eyes in the building started to drift towards the door. They all seemed to feel the strange pull that drew their collective attention towards it. 

It was a sort of nebulous empty feeling that lined the bottom of their stomachs and made them strangely uneasy. It grew with every passing second until Dante stood up and the rest of them slowly inched towards their weapons, silently preparing for… something. Lucia grabbed Patty and gently pulled her to the side, tucking her between the couch and the stairs as far as she could from the door, and both of the other girls retrieved their larger weapons. 

Lady checked the chamber on her newly upgraded rocket launcher that she had finally retrieved from Dante, and Trish opted to fish a random blade out of the storage closet across the hallway through the back door that faced Vergil’s room. For a moment she thought it was Alastor, but she couldn’t be sure. Her mind was elsewhere. Whatever Devil Arm it was, it would work for now. And if it didn’t, then her lightning and guns would have to do the trick.

Moment’s later, there was a feeble knock at the door. It was louder this time than it had been, or that could have just been the lack of sound in the room now. Even the Jukebox had switched off, hitting its last track. An uncomfortable hushed silence fell over the room. Then, a loud slam and a thump followed by silence. And before any of them could move, something caught their eye. A thick, red substance pooled under the door.

(-~-)

Gah! Sorry, this chapter is SEVERAL hours late. I overslept again. Until like 9 pm. And hadn't finished it. What even is my life lol. This is what running a Minecraft server has done to me lol. Anyone looking to join lol?! Either way, see you in the comment section! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and see you next Wednesday!

[betabites]

Schneeple

The simulacrum spell is a marvel of arcanery, imbuing a body of snow and ice with a shadowy reflection of life. The prevailing archaeothaumical opinion is that spell was originally developed via observation of the effects of a mirror of opposition. However, the effect has also been known to appear in nature. During the dark days of winter, when the Shadowfell and Feywild are both in close proximity to the Prime Material, icy reflections are cast, and people going out to the woodpile may meet themselves. Even whole cities have appeared in snow fields - replicas of existing cities, filled with people made of snow. People who are unaware that they are anything but normal. Most often, these illusions melt with the realization of their falseness, or at latest, when spring arrives. But not always.

Schneeple originate as reflections of people, but do not remain a soul-less reflection. Unlike the copies created by a mirror of opposition, they are not filled with loathing for the original. And unlike products of a simulacrum spell, they can learn, change, and grow. The only sure tell is that their body temperature is noticeably lower than the base creature's. In times of stress or disruptive magical conditions, they can revert to colors of ice and snow. Some Schneeple seek out such conditions, to mark themselves as different from the original.

As a rule, Schneeple tend towards the philosophical. They are aware they they are redundant, just a reflection of a 'real' person. That awareness drives them, be it to despair or great heights. And sometimes, they can co-exist quite happily with the original, not redundant at all.

Many Schneeple pursue the same class as the original did, but some are drawn to pursue different paths - either  to make a break with the original or to take advantage of their icy and illusory nature. Some make pacts with powers of shadow and ice - from the Archdevil Levistus to the Unseelie Court to the goddess Auril. Others simply explore their nature as illusionists or monks.

Play a Schneeple (Schneeson?) if you want to:

Have a standard character with just a touch of unreality.

Reinvent your character over the course of play, as they break away from their original.

Grapple with existential problems (’Who am I?’ ‘What makes me me?’), in addition to fell beasts.

Tie yourself strongly to an existing character (PC or NPC), or play with ideas about twins or non-shapeshifting dopplegangers.

Re-use your last character sheet.

Variant origins. The above Schneeple origin is designed to produce a ready population - not common, but recognizable. Some games may prefer more bespoke variants - produced by a slightly less cursed mirror of opposition, or a variant of the simulacrum spell that produces a learning illusion. Schneeple exist with the intent to tackle transhuman ideas like cloning, and fear of replacement. As a bonus, playing a Schneeple is free license for the DM to break out all the twin comedy hijinks.

As a more folkloric and less planar origin: It is said that in this world, every person has seven doubles. They all share a face, and perhaps a sliver of soul. If nothing else, they are born under the same moon, and die under the same moon. They rarely find each other, but are often mistaken for another.

Variant names. Schneeple, or Snow People, may be a touch too silly for some campaigns. Alternatives: Snowfolk, Living Snow, Snow Clones, Simulacras, Lossedaid (the elvish term), Nobashmônekik (the dwarven term), Simmies, Slushies.

Rules for D&D, D&D, and D&D (3.5, 4E, 5E)

D&D 3.5

Schneeple is a template that can be applied to any type of creature. It gains the following qualities:

+2 Constitution, +2 Wisdom. As creatures of shifting ice and snow, rather than solid flesh and bone, Schneeple are resistant to injury. The peculiar nature of their existence gives them a philosophical bent, and a certain level of detachment that may also be linked to their quasi-illusory status.

Living Snow. Physically, Schneeple do not require food, air, or warmth. However, their illusion of self does require all of those things, and they can only survive without them as might a normal person. Their physical make-up does give them resist cold 10. Their lack of an actual metabolism does mean that they are immune to disease and poison. Additionally, they have a 25% chance to negate any critical hit or sneak attack made against them, as per the light fortification armor property.

Illusion-sense. As creatures animated by illusion, Schneeple are unusually aware to the presence of other illusions. They receive a +4 bonus on any skill rolls to notice an illusion spell or effect, and a +4 bonus on any saves against illusion spells or effects.

Level Adjustment +1. Schneeple have several advantages over the base creature, and thus level slightly slower. I highly recommend using the LA buy-off rules. In short, a 3rd level Schneeple character may spend 3,000 XP to permanently remove their level adjustment (and catch up to their non-LA comrades).

Feats:

Icy Reason

Requirements: Bluff 12 ranks, Knowledge (religion) 6 ranks, Sense Motive 12 ranks, Spellcraft 6 ranks, Schneeple

Benefits: Your understanding of lies, illusion, truth, and faith result in complete control of your own consciousness. You are immune to mind-affecting spells and effects.

Living Ice

Requirements: BAB +6, Schneeple

Benefits: You are immune to critical hits and sneak attacks. You gain the [Cold] template, becoming immune to cold damage and vulnerable to fire damage.

D&D 4E

Schneeple is an available Theme for 4E characters. For more details on Themes, check out Heroes of the Feywild or Heroes of Elemental Chaos (among others). In short, a Theme is the Heroic-tier counterpart to Paragon Paths and Epic Destinies. Any character can take one Theme.

Starting Feature: Your origin becomes elemental. For the purposes of effects that relate to creature origin, you are considered to be an elemental. You gain resist cold 5. At 11th level, this resistance increases to 10, and at 21st level, this resistance increases to 15.

You also gain the living snow power.

Living Snow

Schneeple Thematic Power

The area around your injury is revealed as snow, and snow doesn't hurt.

Encounter ♦ Elemental Immediate Reaction ♦ Personal

Trigger: You are bloodied by an attack.

Effect: You use your Second Wind. You make a save against an ongoing effect.

Level 5 Feature: You have come to a greater understanding of your own nature, not just as a creature of snow, but one born of shadows. This manifests as a greater awareness of the world, of light and shadows, of reality and unreality. You have a +2 power bonus to Perception checks. If you make a saving throw against an illusion, you can roll twice and take the better result.

Level 10 Feature: You have come to the conclusion that, despite the falseness of your genesis, despite your memories that predate you, that you are still real and not just a dark reflection. This certainty brings with it confidence, and the ambition to prove your reality to everyone else. You have a +2 power bonus on your Will Defense.

Also, if you are affected by the dominated condition, when rolling saving throws to remove that condition, you can roll twice and take the better result.

Optional Powers: You have engaged in a deeper study of your own unique capabilities, rather than relying on those gained from your original’s heritage and training. You can take these powers instead of one of the usual powers you would gain at the listed level.

Level 2 Utility Power:

Icy Reflection

Schneeple Utility 2

You plunge your hand into the water, and draw out an exact replica of the item in your other hand.

Daily ♦ Elemental, Illusion Standard Action ♦ Personal

Prerequisite: You must e holding the item you wish to replicate. You must have access to water or snow, at least a waterskin's worth. Alternately, you can spend a healing surge to use yourself as a water source.

Effect: You create a replica of an item you can see. It has all the same properties as the original, including magical properties.

End Conditions: If the item is not in contact with you for 1 minute or if a daily power of the item is used, it melts back into water.

Level 6 Utility Power:

Mirrorstep

Schneeple Utility 6

You point, and another you appears on the battlefield.

Encounter ♦ Elemental, Illusion, Teleportation Move Action ♦ Ranged 10

Effect: You teleport to a destination within range, leaving a quasi-real illusion of yourself behind. Alternately, you create the illusion of yourself at the indicated point. The illusion has sufficient substance to engage in combat, making basic attacks, occupying a space, enable flanking, speak normally, etc, but cannot move, or deal any damage. At the start of your next turn, or once it has taken damage equal to your level, it disappears.

Sustain Minor: The illusion of you remains until the start of your next turn.

Level 10 Utility Power:

A More Perfect Reflection

Schneeple Utility 10

You wonder what your original would do here, and decide that whatever they would do, you can do it better.

Daily ♦ Shadow No Action ♦ Personal

Trigger: You make an attack roll, skill check, or saving throw, and dislike the result.

Effect: You add 2d6 to the result.

D&D 5E

To play one of the Schneeple, add the following features to any existing race:

Living Snow. Whenever you roll Hit Dice to recover, roll twice and take the better result. You have resistance to cold, but you are at disadvantage on any saves against fire damage.

Quasi-Real. You have advantage on saves against illusions. If a dispel magic spell is cast on you, you take 5d6 damage (Wisdom save for half) in addition to the usual effects. Also, if you enter an area of antimagic (such as created by antimagic field), you must make a Charisma save vs DC 20 or gain one level of exhaustion.

[scribbles97]

Left Behind -- Chapter 16

All of the fluff in this chapter... what could possibly go wrong with a Tracy family pizza night?

PART 1 /  Chapter 14 / Chapter 15 / Chapter 16 / Chapter 17 / Chapter 18 / Chapter 19 / Chapter 20 / Chapter 21

Read on Ao3

It had been hours since Kyrano’s revelation, yet she still couldn’t bring herself to look away from the information in front of her. 

 Jeff could be alive. 

 Although she had called off the search and forced herself to come to terms that he was gone, part of her had never truly given up hope. 

 That was the reason she had kept John’s program on Thunderbird Five. No matter how much time may have passed she couldn’t simply let it all stop. It wasn’t like running the program that kept up the search cost anything more. The space station was still running its primary functions first and foremost. Looking for Jeff was simply a background task. 

A background task that may have been futile in its efforts. 

 Not even Thunderbird Five could reach that far out into space.

 Four years and they had absolutely no way of knowing. Their efforts could be too little too late at that point. 

 And how long would it take to build a new ship? One equally as capable of deep space exploration.

 Time was not a luxury she was willing to afford, despite Kyrano’s assurances that things would come together if she gave him time to make the arrangements needed. 

 If Jeff was still out there, there had to be a way to reach him. 

 Her grasp on computer engineering wasn’t strong, but she knew enough about the ships she had helped Jeff design to know that Thunderbird Five could only send signals of an interpretable quality so far into space. Messages from the Calypso took months to make it as far as earth, not that she was meant to be keeping an eye on it, but the ship was a part of Jeff’s legacy; she felt a duty to keep an eye on it and ensure the crew's safety. 

 She almost dropped her glass of wine as the thought hit her. Jolting upright in her desk chair she reached for her comm,

 “Hiram, are you available?”

 His reply was stunned but quick, “Y-y-es Mrs T-tracy?”

 “Can I speak to you in my office?” She asked, looking for schematics and old designs she knew she had saved just somewhere. 

 “Of c-c-course. I’ll be right d-d-down.”

 The flight plan had been published online as part of a PR push before the launch. The Calypso’s intended target coordinates available for everyone to see despite the warnings she had issued about Gaat. 

 Thank god they hadn’t listened to her.

 The predicted flight path of the Zero-X was next to join the screens before her and her heart lurched. Taking a breath, she pressed the palms of her hands into her eyes. 

 Perspective Lucy, She told herself, put it in perspective.

 Pulling her hands away she looked at the two maps again and the numbers her computer had generated for her, the distance automatically calculated from one set of coordinates to the other. 

 Fifty Astronomical Units was a hell of a lot less than ten thousand. 

 “M-m-mrs Tracy?”

 Lucy looked up and smiled at the engineer peaking around the edge of her office door, waving for him to join her. 

 “Hiram,” She swallowed, “You remember the Calypso?”

 He nodded, “I still receive updates from B-b-braman.”

 “How long does it take those updates to reach us?” She asked, biting her lip once the question was out in the open.

 The man shrugged, pushing his glasses up his nose as he tilted his head slightly, “W-w-well, it depends on the earth's orbit. N-n-normally between th-three and four months.”

 It felt like a huge time frame, three or four months of still not knowing, of just having to watch and wait would be torture. 

 At least it would mean knowing though. 

 It was a chance of finding out if Jeff was there. 

 “Oh.” Hiram stated, adjusting his glasses again as he peered at the holograms, “Of course. The Calypso is in the same area of deep space as we predict the Zero-X is.”

 Pursing her lips, Lucy nodded. She didn’t trust her voice in that moment, too fearful that the answer would be something she didn’t want to hear. 

 “Is there any way--” She started, throat catching before she could finish.

 “To get a s-s-signal out there?” He asked, eyes widening for a moment before he turned thoughtful at the problem he had been presented, “It would take an awful lot of p-p-processing power on Thunderbird Five’s part, I w-w-would imagine some reworking of the computers onboard would be r-r-required.”

 Something in her stomach flipped.

 “It’s a possibility though? We could cut the delay down to weeks instead of months?”

 “Oh yes!” Hiram nodded quickly, “Cutting the time down is simply a c-c-case of reworking the systems at both ends. I imagine B-b-braman could redirect the p-p-power on board the C-Calypso to strengthen its signals to us. Although…”

 She sat forward, not entirely understanding all the computer speak he was uttering under his breath as he tilted his head from side to side and rubbed his chin. 

 “What? Although what, Hiram?”

 Looking up to her again, he reached to the hologram, “If the C-c-calypso was, for ex-x-ample, half the distance between Earth and the Oort cloud, the time could be c-c-cut down s-s-significantly. You see, the ship would act as a r-relay and strengthen the s-s-signal before it sent it on further into the s-s-solar system.”

 “And the same vice-versa?” She guessed, “If someone could find a way to send signals back, the Calypso would strengthen them before sending them on to us?”

 “Yes, I would believe so.”

 Her mind was made up, “How? What do I need to do?”

 “It would t-t-take time,” Hiram bit his lip, glancing back to the holograms, “I would have to look into the specifications of both ships and--”

 “Do it,” She sniffed, “Hiram, please, if it means-- if there’s a chance-- I can’t tell anyone about the possibility of Jeff until we have some form of proof. If this means I can find that proof.”

 The man nodded once, smiling slightly as he did, “M-m-mister Tracy saved my life, if I c-can return the favour I won’t rest until it is done.”

 “You have access to whatever you need, just ask and I will personally see to it.”

 Hiram smiled slightly as he stepped back, “I g-g-guess you got me to s-s-stay on the island for a while after all.”

 She laughed softly, shaking her head at him, “If you’d be more comfortable at home…”

 “No, thank you,” He shook his head, “Here will d-d-do just fine.”

 ***

Scott slung his arm around her shoulders as he joined her in the hangar, waiting for Val to disembark from Thunderbird One with her extra special cargo. Lucy tried to ignore the reminder that she had to look up to him those days, that she had to look up at most of her boys now that they were all young men. 

 “So,” Scott started, “What’s the occasion?”

 Shaking her head, she smiled to herself, “No occasion.”

 He frowned at her, smiling as if he thought he was onto something that she knew he wasn’t. 

 “So what warrants using Thunderbird One to bring pizza over from the mainland?”

 The question had been one she had expected, so it was easy to turn to him with a smile, “All my boys are home, am I not allowed to spoil you all?”

 He hummed with a grin as he shook his head, “If you say so Mom.”

 She sighed as Thunderbird One rolled down to it’s cradle, “Alright, so I was hoping it might cheer Alan up after I knocked him back again yesterday.”

 Scott’s face twisted, the whole island had heard the argument between the youngest and his mother. Alan wanted to be seen as the same age as his older brothers, capable and mature enough to fly one of their ships despite still only being a teenager.

 The kid hadn’t exactly done much to prove that he was mature enough to be involved in International Rescue. 

 “You know he’s still sneaking into the training room and going on the simulators?” He murmured.

 “Who is?” Aunt Val asked as she stepped onto the gantry, warming bag in hand, the waft of steaming pizzas filling the room. 

 “Alan,” Mom shook her head, “Who else, Val?”

 Val shrugged, “Just checking, could have been Brains for all we knew now that he lives here.”

 “Really?” Scott asked looking between them, it was the first he had heard of the scientist staying on the island permanently.

 “Only whilst he completes some research and updates.” His mother cut in, “It’s not forever.”

 He knew better than to question further what the research and updates were, he would be told when he needed to know. 

 As for Alan.

 “So what are you going to do?” He queried, “I mean, Alan is leveled with Gordon’s scores for the Thunderbird Three sim. He’s beaten Virgil’s initial trial score too you know?”

 The raised eyebrows and folded arms told him, yes, Mom was fully aware of Alan’s scores on the sims. 

 “He’s still too young for the academy,” His aunt cut in before either said something to rile the other up, “Give it six months, he can apply for the program and from there he’ll be able to fly a Thunderbird once he’s suitably trained.”

 Scott sighed as they stepped into the elevator, shaking his head as the doors closed, “That’s going to be a long six months.”

 “The rest of you did it,” His Mom stated as she leant back against the wall, “He can too.”

 He agreed that it was only fair that the four of them all went through the same training before they went straight into working as IR operatives. They needed to know that each of them all had the same capabilities and knowledge. Having different skills and areas of interest was one thing, but being able to rely on one another to do whatever was asked of them was something that could only be achieved through training. He knew, he’d seen it first hand as first Virgil and then Gordon had joined him running ops, the basic knowledge was there but had needed putting into practice and it was only then that their capabilities had started to shine through. 

 Still, that didn’t mean that Alan would be any more willing to wait. 

 “Just make sure I’m not here when you tell him that,” Scott shook his head as the doors reopened and he stepped out into the lounge. 

 “Tell who-- is that pizza?” Gordon asked as he sat up from where he had been lounging, eyes widening at the sight of the warming bag.

 Scott had to laugh, nodding as Aunt Val set the bag down on the central table of the lounge.

 “Fresh from Gunero’s,” She smiled, “They were fresh out of fish food though, so nothing for our resident guppy!”

 “Hey!” Gordon laughed as he reached out for the boxes, “Former Olympian here! I’ll swim back over there and get a Hawaiian if I have to!”

 “Seeing as the sharks are still about in the cove, you’re still banned from going anywhere near the ocean at the moment.” Their mother stated, “I mean it Gordon.”

 “She does.” Kayo stated as she entered, “I spend half my day at the moment keeping an eye on where you are.”

 Gordon grinned, “And spend the other half eying up something you like, huh?”

 Had the comment been aimed at anyone else, Scott would have cuffed his little brother around the ear. The glare Kayo was throwing at the blond though spoke volumes, and he actually feared for his younger brother’s life. 

 “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Gordon.”

 Behind Scott, Aunt Val failed to hide her snort under a cough as she unboxed the pizzas. He smirked, looking to Gordon with raised eyebrows, daring him to say something more. 

 “Tan, don’t murder him before dinner please.” Mom sighed, nudging Gordon to get his legs off of the sofa and make room for the rest of them.

 “So where are my other darling siblings?” Gordon grinned, “Or aren’t they eating with us tonight?”

 “We’re here, don’t you dare start without us.” Virgil grumbled as he joined them with Alan and John following.

 “We wouldn’t dream of it,” Scott shook his head, reaching for the meat feast pizza on the far side of the table, “Was just figuring out whose was whose.”

 “Good hike?” Mom asked, holding out a box to Alan.

 “Saw the sea eagles nesting up on the peak,” John nodded, reaching around Kayo for the box she had just opened and taking the veggie pizza, “In a few months we might have chicks again.”

 “And we got a great view of One taking off and coming in,” Alan grinned, eyes landing on Mom, so clearly waiting for her reaction. 

 “Alan Bartlett I thought I told you--” Their Grandmother turned the look of hope to one of fear in an instant and Scott had to snort. Mom might have been the one in charge, but nobody argued with what Grandma said. 

 “Alright alright,” Alan whined, “No talk about training over dinner.”

 Scott shook his head as Aunt Val grinned at him, mouthing something about the money he owed her from their bet. Apparently his youngest brother wasn’t as subtle as Scott gave him credit for. 

 “I hope you got my order right Val,” His Uncle’s voice broke over the top of the chatter.

 Aunt Val didn’t even bother looking as she held up the box, “Texan spicy, no mushrooms, extra jalapeño’s, just like you always have.”

 He smiled and kissed her quickly on the cheek as he took the box, “Thank you darlin’.”

 Part of Scott wondered what outsiders thought of the relationship that wasn’t. His Aunt and Uncle, married but nothing like a couple except for very rare occasions. Mom had once explained it as a case of two people that still cared deeply for one another yet had fallen out of love. He wasn’t sure he quite understood how that could be possible, but had never felt right in asking more about it. 

 Sometimes, in their family, that was the best idea.

 He frowned as he looked around, “Where’s Brains and Kyrano?”

 Their mother groaned as she too realised they were missing, setting her box of chips down and standing, “Probably in the labs, I’ll go.”

 It surprised him that she volunteered, after running around for the rest of the family the whole day she usually sent someone else in her place to find any stray members for dinner. The rest of the family had quietened though, all munching away on the fresh treats none of them had realised they had missed quite so much. 

 Before he could say anything though she was gone. 

[ikesenlemonadestandstories]

Level 9

Can you believe we’re almost all the way through January? One more day left and we’ll be a full month into 2020. How’s it feel gang? We all doing okay?

Tagging: @loudartanimeeclipse​

Master List here or search Ikesen AFK tag

Warnings: None

Happy Reading, T~

Level 9

You were here, it was nine, and you were starting to get annoyed. Had you been played? Were you about to be ambushed? Jumped? Hacked? As your mind raced nearly a thousand pop up windows flooded your chat screen as you were thrown into a brand new group chat, this one titled “Team Azuchi.” Interesting. 

4myLord → Seriously, though, how do you not know where they are? You just met her last night. This is horribly rude.

OneEyedDrag0n → Nope, see? I remembered her username! She’s in the group chat! @WildCyt0m3try you are in the group chat right. /;3;/ Please tell me you’re in the group chat!

Present, though, I’m not super sure where you are? You said 9 sharp but never specified where... ← WildCyt0m3try

Betrayal_is_real04  → He’s as helpful as ever I see. 

Your answer was equally unhelpful… ( - . - )  ← WildCyt0m3try

D3vilK1ng  → I like her @OneEyedDrag0n, she’s got spunk. 

OneEyedDrag0n  → Right! Almost beat me in that tournament too! 

EdoPorcupine5661 → Oh? No surprise there. 

OneEyedDrag0n → Hey! I resent that statement 

Betrayal_is_real04 → You resent most of his statements. 

EdoPorcupine5661 → Is everyone here now? Except for @WildCyt0m3try? 

4myLord → No. We’re missing @B00kOfLife7. You can find us near the South gate @WildCyt0m3try. 

Thx! I see you now! ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → Does it matter? Can we start without him? He’s probably reading and forgot we were supposed to meet. 

4myLord → We cannot!

B00kOfLife7 → We cannot what? 

EdoPorcupine5661 → Nevermind… 

D3vilK1ing → Glad you could join us, shall we head out now that everyone’s gathered?

In a matter of moments, your screen warped, and your character and her new teammates were whisked off towards the southern dessert. Excitement bubbled up inside of you, this was your chance to shine. Sure, you barely knew these people, but if they fought anything like OneEyedDrag0n had, you didn’t want to look incompetent. Fortunately, the battle conditions were a perfect way to showcase your stats. 

The dessert terrain made it nearly impossible for anyone on foot to move, and cavalry or armored units had almost no chance at advancing more than a single space at a time. You, on the other hand, were a flier, meaning terrain that diminished that particular stat didn’t apply to you. Giving you the range to quickly traverse the battlefield and assist your allies. Which is precisely what you planned to do. 

Everyone had spawned in one of two groups; truly, the game seemed to be out to get you. Both of the warlocks had been pushed together in the back corner of the map with the sniper. Everyone else in your party was in the top corner with you. Meaning all of your long-range fighters were too far away to provide any sort of backup to the poor guy on a horse and your swords.

So...this is unfortunate ← WildCyt0m3try

OneEyedDrag0n → We’ve honestly gotten worse, this ain't too bad 

You’ve got to be kidding ← WildCyt0m3try

4myLord → We wish. We’ll have time for that story later. @B00kOfLife got a plan yet? 

B00kOfLife → @D3vilK1ng and @Betrayal_is_real04, please proceed towards the center of the field to become the central targets. 

B00kOfLife → @EdoPorcupine5661 and I will cover the exit point down here to the south so bandits cannot escape. 

B00kOfLife → @OneEyedDrag0n, please do your best to cover @4myLord since he doesn’t have a large range of movement. Fend off enemies as you make your way toward the center of the field. 

B00kOfLife → @WildCyt0m3try, please make quick work of the chests around the field then chase down any enemies that attempt to flee. You are quite capable of fending them off on your own, I presume?

Everything but archers, though, I’m usually good with dodging, and I’ve got plenty of herbs on standby jic. ← WildCyt0m3try

B00kOfLife ← Wonderful. Message if something should go wrong. Good luck. 

With the plan out, the chat went silent. This was nothing like your other team, no microphones were used for in battle communication, not a single word was typed unless something was direly wrong. You had been provided exactly 3 chest keys to do your job, but you knew that at least three of these bandits had keys of their own, so you shouldn’t have to dip into your stock unless someone called you for backup. 

Just as OneEyedDrag0n had stated last night, everyone here was a capable fighter. The plan was being executed beautifully, and you marveled at how the CPU’s seemed to go down one after the other. It was like the computer wasn’t even paying attention to the stats anymore. Why would you go after an enemy that you only had a 16% chance of doing 4 damage to when they had a 98% chance of doing 36 damage twice? It didn’t make any sense. You'd take what you were given, though. 

In half an hour, all of the chests were successfully looted, the enemy had been routed, and EdoPorcupine5661 was named the MVP. You’d never seen that before, granted you hadn’t been playing that long, but it was rare for a bowed unit to take accolades like that. Being a ranged unit seemed to have its perks on terrane like this, you supposed. Prize money was divided, and the weapons and armor were awarded based on participation and usability. It didn’t make much sense to give something to someone who couldn’t make use of it. After thanking them for letting you play with them, you were about to log off and head to bed when you got a private message. 

EdoPorcupine5661 → OneEyedDrag0n said you were in the market for a bow. 

I am. Not sure where I’d find one this late in my game, though, sort of hard to reclass and start over.  ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → You fought well, and you aren’t completely annoying, so here, it was part of my loot today. 

Are you sure? That’s a really nice bow! ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → It is, which is why you’d be stupid not to take it. I’ve already got one. So here. 

Thanks! UwU You’re the best! Now I’ve just got to get the skill up so I can use it! ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → If you’re free tomorrow at 5, I can meet you for some quick tips. Don’t need you shooting yours or anyone else’s eye out. 

Is that what happened to OneEyedDrag0n? Training accident lol? ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → No. It wasn’t an accident.

Omfg, you didn’t xD ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → I didn’t, but it’s always fun to imagine. 

So 5 tomorrow? ← WildCyt0m3try I should be down for that as long as I get off work on time. ← WildCyt0m3try   Are you going to give me any hints about where to meet you, or is that part of this team’s quirks? ← WildCyt0m3try Make the newbie guess where you’re meeting? ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → You know, I was going to tell you, but I’m not feeling quite as generous anymore. 

Noooo! Please! I don’t like wandering around like a lost CPU! Someone tried to buy stuff from me today, you know! ← WildCyt0m3try That’s how idle I looked waiting for you goons lol ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → Maybe you should evaluate the face your character is making? It’s not my fault you look like someone who sells cheap spears. 

I would not sell cheap spears! Only the highest quality merchandise is sold here! ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → Whatever you say. 

I’m glad you’ve come to your senses and decided to agree with me.  ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → Sure, we’ll go with that. 

Okay, well, thanks for the bow. I’ll see you tomorrow around 5. I’ve decided I actually need to get some sleep tonight! Work has been a H A U L lately. ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → You don’t need to explain yourself to me. Just go to bed, weirdo. 

Roger that, weirdo. ← WildCyt0m3try

EdoPorcupine5661 → That wasn’t a compliment. 

Sure it was. Laters~ ← WildCyt0m3try

You smiled as you shut down the console and powered off your television, that had been fun. It was so different from your other team's dynamic, but it added something different to the experience beyond solo playing. Besides, you had totally just scored a kick-ass bow, and a training date tomorrow. You couldn’t wait; if you kept going at this pace, you were sure it’d be enough to push your team to the winning slot next tournament! Real-life prize money here you came!

[jjkfire]

update 4/27/21:

I'm working at a startup so it's extremely busy. but I love my job! i am trying to find the time to fit writing in my schedule tho. gonna figure it out someday lol. my stories are not abandoned, don't worry. all the endings and plot points have been planned. i'm just struggling to find the time to write atm. still very grateful for all the kind words and support you guys have given me over the years. hope all of you are out there living your best lives, exploring, learning, and finding joy in all the little things 😊 join my tag list (read the instructions pls) to get notified when I update my fics!

//

previous big update:

hello! i know i’ve been sort of mia but… it’s been an absolutely chaotic time for me. 

the (long) story goes a little something like this:

earlier this year during spring break, i had friends who convinced me to give america a shot and apply for jobs after grad. i really didn’t want to because the visa process is a pain and it costs a lot. also, not a lot of companies want to hire internationals so it’s very demoralizing to receive a million rejections… but my friends are very persuasive people lol. 

so it was super hectic during the last few months I had in the country as i tried to get through the visa process, study, work, beef up my resume, apply for jobs and graduate at the same time. (i understand that a ton of people have to do this too… but it’s hard y’all). anyway, one Medium article, one cold email, and a number of grueling interviews later, i found out i got a job!

now i just had to convince my parents… this was actually in all honesty, the most stressful part. i love them to death but my father really made it feel like i was choosing between my family and a job and ngl i cried myself to sleep on the regular. in the end, he finally gave me the okay to take the job but i know he’s still very upset. that’s honest to god the worst part. (my mum’s been super supportive tho so i guess that’s the silver lining in all of this!)

prior to getting the job though, I was really in limbo. I had returned to my home country because I and by extension, my parents, were not confident that i was going to be able to land a job in the US. I was very confused because I was neither here nor there. I was interviewing with the american company from my home country, trying my best to make sure they’d still be interested in me as a candidate no matter how many hurdles there were. then, to ensure that I had a safety net, I was also doing interviews locally and sending out resumes whenever I could. I was exhausted. and I know everyone goes through the job hunt so it’s equally as exhausting for everyone but yeah it was not a fun time.

anyway so now that I took that job in america i gotta move halfway across the world again, but this time without financial support and i don’t know… maybe this is the first time i’ll be truly independent and ya im seconds away from shittin myself. really gotta put on my big girl pants and try to not be broke yeet yeet.

but uhh that’s the low down on why i haven’t been able to write much at all…….. and yeah! working on it tho… haha always working on it.

to end all of this, I just want to say that I’m super lucky to have all of you. I basically got the job because of that article I wrote. I know I sound like a broken record talking about my article over and over but I dunno I guess all of this is just a little wild to me ahah.

I owe a lot of my confidence in my writing to all of you. I personally think my writing improved bc of this blog and the support you guys give me is… unreal (“: I know it may seem insignificant to some of you to reblog/like and comment on a fic but it really spurs me creatively and makes me feel sort of confident about my writing. all of that is probably why I didn’t think twice about hitting that post button on my article. although it’s a very different type of writing… I don’t know it’s just knowing that my writing is worth something… knowing that my writing is worth taking 5 minutes out of your day to read, is pretty cool and you guys kind of gave me that! (i am in no way saying that my writing is the best thing on earth. far from it. but i think you guys understand what i’m trying to say!)

so in some way, you guys helped me get a job! nice work team hahahah. also, also i just want to say, never give up. I decided I wanted to try my luck at the American job market maybe around the end of March and graduation was in early May. so I had about more or less a month to do something. I knew I needed a way to set myself apart from everyone else because my gpa wasn’t stellar and I hadn’t had any internships in America. not to mention the fact that I was an international student hence it was even harder to get hired. so basically, why would a company pick me over the next person? I thought perhaps knowing how to code was the way to give myself an edge so I learned some basic python and sql but then I realized there wasn’t really an impressive project I could attempt within that short time frame and I also knew far too little to do anything anyway. this meant that I was back at square one.

so, I switched gears instead. I sat down and really thought about what I could do. I concluded that at the very least, I could write. I knew I could write so I needed something that I could use along with my writing and I was like… it’s gotta be data! knowing that, I picked up the basics on how to use Tableau and I also picked up VBA macros in excel (if you don’t know what this is… I think you should Google it. it will literally blow your mind. excel can do a lot more than you can imagine). Then, I picked what I wanted to write my article on, got the data I needed from google trends, used vba macros to make the calculations faster, used tableau to make charts based on the data and photoshop to spice up the charts and etc. I did my research in the meantime as well and had a rough plan on what I was going to write about. after this, it was all systems go and it went a little like this:

wrote the article. attached my charts. linked the links. hit that post button. applied to all the jobs & companies that I thought would see value in what I did and can do. got rejected many times. felt discouraged. did more searching on companies that were willing to hire internationals. decided to send a cold email to a company. ACTUALLY HEARD BACK. went through multiple interviews. ACTUALLY GOT THE JOB.

so guys, never give up. recognize your strengths and build around that. if you think you don’t have any strengths, look harder. if you still feel you don’t have any, make the effort to learn something. it’s never too late for anything. I did all of that in one month and 10 days (the learning stuff and writing the article thing I mean). always be open to learning. I say this so much irl that my friends are sick of it but in this day and age with the internet, you can literally learn anything. so please, learn. learn for fun, learn for whatever reason. learn anything. you’ll never know when it’ll come in handy. like my basic Photoshop that I learned just so I could make a header for my blog… literally used that skill for the graphics in my article lol.

anyway, you can achieve a lot more than you think you can. you just gotta throw caution to the wind and do your own thing. be determined, be proactive. if things aren’t going the way you think it should be, do something to change that. you are all amazing and capable of great things! I hope you all know that. my mum always said if you never try, you’ll never know. don’t be afraid, don’t stop to think about what other people will think of you. keep doing you. people doubt you enough so don’t add to that. keep your head held high and keep moving forward.

once again I want to thank you guys for being sort of a support system for me! every comment, nice ask and sweet message has brought me this far. i really mean it (’: always be nice and supportive my sweet dumplings. your words truly have impact!

[elitesvouchers12]

Burst Quiz Commercial Real Estate Investing

I read once that in case you took all the real estate lawyers in Illinois and additionally laid them end to end along the equator - it will be a good idea to leave them there. That's what I learn. What do you suppose that means? I have written before around the need to exercise due diligence when purchasing commercial real estate. The requirement to investigate, before Closing, every significant aspect of the property you happen to be acquiring. The importance of evaluating each commercial real estate contract with a mindset that once the Closing occurs, there is no coming back again. The Seller has your money and is gone. If post-Closing challenges arise, Seller's contract representations and warranties will, within best, mean expensive litigation. CAVEAT EMPTOR! "Let the individual beware! " Paying extra attention at the beginning of a advertisement real estate transaction to "get it right" can conserve tens of thousands of dollars when the deal goes bad. It's for instance the old Fram® oil filter slogan during the 1970's: "You can pay me now - or pay me later". In commercial real estate, however , "later" may be too latter. Buying commercial real estate is NOT like buying a home. It is far from. It is not. It is NOT. In Illinois, and many other states, just about any residential real estate closing requires a lawyer for the buyer along with a lawyer for the seller. This is probably smart. It is decent consumer protection. The "problem" this causes, however , is without a doubt that every lawyer handling residential real estate transactions considers by his own or herself a "real estate lawyer", capable of handling any specific real estate transaction that may arise. We learned in legal requirement school that there are only two kinds of property: real estate in addition to personal property. Therefore - we intuit - should we are competent to handle a residential real estate closing, we've got to be competent to handle a commercial real estate closing. There're each "real estate", right? ANSWER: Yes, they are each one real estate. No, they are not the same. The legal issues and negative aspects in a commercial real estate transaction are remarkably different from a legal issues and risks in a residential real estate transaction. Nearly every one is not even remotely similar. Attorneys concentrating their practice managing residential real estate closings do not face the same issues because attorneys concentrating their practice in commercial real estate. This can be a matter of experience. You either know the issues along with risks inherent in commercial real estate transactions - and even know how to deal with them - or you don't. A key point to reconsider is that the myriad consumer protection laws that take care of residential home buyers have no application to - and offer no protection for - buyers of commercial properties. Competent commercial real estate practice requires focused and centered investigation of all issues material to the transaction by a professional who knows what they are looking for. In short, it requires all the exercise of "due diligence". I admit - the actual exercise of due diligence is not cheap, but the failure for you to exercise due diligence can create a financial disaster for the professional real estate investor. Don't be "penny wise and pound foolish". If you are buying a home, hire an attorney who regularly presents home buyers. If you are buying commercial real estate, hire your lawyer who regularly represents commercial real estate buyers. Years ago When i stopped handling residential real estate transactions. As an active business oriented real estate attorney, even I hire residential real estate endorse for my own home purchases. I do that because readily available real estate practice is fundamentally different from commercial real estate. Could be I do "harp" on the need for competent counsel experienced on commercial real estate transactions. I genuinely believe it. I feel it is essential. I believe if you are going to invest in commercial real estate, you ought to apply your critical thinking skills and be smart. BURST QUIZ: Here's is a simple test of YOUR critical believing skills: Please read the following Scenarios and answer any questions TRUE or FALSE: Scenario No . 1: It will be Valentine's Day. You are in hot pursuit of the love you will ever have. A few weeks ago, she confided in you that all the woman ever dreamed of for Valentine's Day was that her mate would show up at her door, dressed in a bright white tuxedo with tails and a top hat, and gift her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. You've hired the tuxedo, but now you are concerned about how much money you may be spending. TRUE OR FALSE: Since flowers are largely all the same, it is OK for you to skip the roses not to mention show up with a bouquet of fresh yellow dandelions. Problem No . 2: For several years you eyesight deteriorated to the point to barely see your alarm clock. You are now considering corrective eye surgery so you won't need glasses. Your sister-in-law had corrective eye surgery and has had spectacular outcome. She recommends her eye surgeon, but mentions the retail price is about $5, 700 for both eyes and that the particular surgery is not covered by insurance. A few years ago, you had surgical procedure to correct your hemorrhoids and it cost you only eight hundred dollars. TRUE OR FALSE: Since surgeons all went to health related school and are all medical doctors, you are being frugal and also wise by asking the surgeon who performed the hemorrhoid surgery to perform your corrective eye surgery. Dilemma No . 3: Several years ago, when you first got married, you quizzed a former classmate who is a lawyer to represent a person in the purchase of your townhome. The cost was only $375. A year later, you started a family and decided you will needed a Will. The same attorney prepared Wills available for you and your wife for a total cost of $700. You will started your own business and your attorney friend formed the corporation for you and charged you only $600 plus the price tag of the corporate minute book. Years later, when your child was arrested for misdemeanor reckless driving, your solicitor friend handled the criminal case and got your own son off with supervision for only $1, 500. Your business has been successful and you have built a pretty substantial nest egg, but you are tired of working for every nickel and want to try investing in real estate. You have your vision on a strip shopping center. It includes a grocery store, bank, equipment store, dry cleaners (on a month to month tenancy), a couple of fast food restaurants, a gift shop, dental office, bowling alley (with a lease about to expire), and wraps lurking behind a gas station/mini-mart on the corner. The purchase price will be $8, 000, 000, but the net operating income appears to be like pretty good. You figure if you turn the bowling street into a full service restaurant/banquet facility, and convert typically the dry cleaners into a 24-hour coin laundry, the net managing income will increase and the shopping center will turn into a spectacular investment decision. You plan to pull together much of your life savings plus put down $2, 000, 000 to buy this strip shopping center, borrowing the balance of $6, 000, 000. You bear in mind that your lawyer friend handled the purchase of your home several years ago, so you know he handles real estate. TRUE OR UNREALISTIC: Commercial real estate is the same as residential real estate [Hey, the all dirt, isn't it (? )], so you are now being a shrewd businessman by hiring your lawyer pal who will charge much less than a lawyer who handles shopping mall purchases several time a year. [What is the "due diligence" stuff anyway? ] ANSWERS: If you clarified "TRUE" for any of the foregoing Scenarios STOP! The Questions is over. Please find a quite place to reflect upon your wellbeing and consider whether the decisions you make consistently provide you with the results you desire. If, on the other hand, you understand that the answer to every single foregoing questions is FALSE, I am available to help you in Predicament No . 3. For Scenario No . 2, you should go along with your sister-in-law's suggestion and contact her eye operating specialist, or some other eye surgeon with equal skill. Just for Scenario No . 1, you are on your own. [But, any time you answered TRUE for Scenario No . 1, you may be ALWAYS AND FOREVER on you own. ] Investing in commercial real estate can be worthwhile and rewarding - but it requires good critical thinking about skills and competent counsel. You have a have a brain. It will be strongly recommended that you use it. R. Kymn Harp is actually a seasoned attorney based in Chicago, Illinois with 30 numerous years experience representing commercial real estate investors, lenders and administrators. He is a frequent speaker at continuing education tutorials, and is a widely published author on commercial as well as industrial real estate topics including due diligence, entitlements, commercial realty financing, and Brownfield development and financing.

[mariethemushroom]

Burst Quiz Commercial Real Estate Investing

I read once that in case you took all the real estate lawyers in Illinois in addition to laid them end to end along the equator - it will be a good idea to leave them there. That's what I learn. What do you suppose that means? I have written before around the need to exercise due diligence when purchasing commercial real estate. The requirement to investigate, before Closing, every significant aspect of the property you happen to be acquiring. The importance of evaluating each commercial real estate contract with a mindset that once the Closing occurs, there is no coming back again. The Seller has your money and is gone. If post-Closing challenges arise, Seller's contract representations and warranties will, within best, mean expensive litigation. CAVEAT EMPTOR! "Let the individual beware! " Paying extra attention at the beginning of a advertisement real estate transaction to "get it right" can conserve tens of thousands of dollars when the deal goes bad. It's for instance the old Fram® oil filter slogan during the 1970's: "You can pay me now - or pay me later". In commercial real estate, however , "later" may be too latter. Buying commercial real estate is NOT like buying a home. It is far from. It is not. It is NOT. In Illinois, and many other states, just about any residential real estate closing requires a lawyer for the buyer along with a lawyer for the seller. This is probably smart. It is decent consumer protection. The "problem" this causes, however , is without a doubt that every lawyer handling residential real estate transactions considers by his own or herself a "real estate lawyer", capable of handling any specific real estate transaction that may arise. We learned in legal requirement school that there are only two kinds of property: real estate along with personal property. Therefore - we intuit - should we are competent to handle a residential real estate closing, we've got to be competent to handle a commercial real estate closing. There're each "real estate", right? ANSWER: Yes, they are each one real estate. No, they are not the same. The legal issues and negative aspects in a commercial real estate transaction are remarkably different from a legal issues and risks in a residential real estate transaction. Nearly every one is not even remotely similar. Attorneys concentrating their practice managing residential real estate closings do not face the same issues because attorneys concentrating their practice in commercial real estate. This can be a matter of experience. You either know the issues and even risks inherent in commercial real estate transactions - not to mention know how to deal with them - or you don't. A key point to reconsider is that the myriad consumer protection laws that take care of residential home buyers have no application to - and offer no protection for - buyers of commercial realty. Competent commercial real estate practice requires focused and centered investigation of all issues material to the transaction by a professional who knows what they are looking for. In short, it requires all the exercise of "due diligence". I admit - the actual exercise of due diligence is not cheap, but the failure for you to exercise due diligence can create a financial disaster for the professional real estate investor. Don't be "penny wise and pound foolish". If you are buying a home, hire an attorney who regularly presents home buyers. If you are buying commercial real estate, hire your lawyer who regularly represents commercial real estate buyers. Years ago When i stopped handling residential real estate transactions. As an active business oriented real estate attorney, even I hire residential real estate endorse for my own home purchases. I do that because readily available real estate practice is fundamentally different from commercial real estate. Could be I do "harp" on the need for competent counsel experienced on commercial real estate transactions. I genuinely believe it. I feel it is essential. I believe if you are going to invest in commercial real estate, you ought to apply your critical thinking skills and be smart. BURST QUIZ: Here's is a simple test of YOUR critical believing skills: Please read the following Scenarios and answer any questions TRUE or FALSE: Scenario No . 1: It will be Valentine's Day. You are in hot pursuit of the love you will ever have. A few weeks ago, she confided in you that all the woman ever dreamed of for Valentine's Day was that her mate would show up at her door, dressed in a bright white tuxedo with tails and a top hat, and gift her with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. You've hired the tuxedo, but now you are concerned about how much money you may be spending. TRUE OR FALSE: Since flowers are largely all the same, it is OK for you to skip the roses and also show up with a bouquet of fresh yellow dandelions. Problem No . 2: For several years you eyesight deteriorated to the point to barely see your alarm clock. You are now considering corrective eye surgery so you won't need glasses. Your sister-in-law had corrective eye surgery and has had spectacular outcome. She recommends her eye surgeon, but mentions the retail price is about $5, 700 for both eyes and that the particular surgery is not covered by insurance. A few years ago, you had surgical procedure to correct your hemorrhoids and it cost you only eight hundred dollars. TRUE OR FALSE: Since surgeons all went to health related school and are all medical doctors, you are being frugal plus wise by asking the surgeon who performed the hemorrhoid surgery to perform your corrective eye surgery. Dilemma No . 3: Several years ago, when you first got married, you quizzed a former classmate who is a lawyer to represent a person in the purchase of your townhome. The cost was only $375. A year later, you started a family and decided you will needed a Will. The same attorney prepared Wills available for you and your wife for a total cost of $700. You will started your own business and your attorney friend formed the corporation for you and charged you only $600 plus the price tag of the corporate minute book. Years later, when your child was arrested for misdemeanor reckless driving, your solicitor friend handled the criminal case and got your own son off with supervision for only $1, 500. Your business has been successful and you have built a pretty substantial nest egg, but you are tired of working for every nickel and want to try investing in real estate. You have your vision on a strip shopping center. It includes a grocery store, bank, equipment store, dry cleaners (on a month to month tenancy), a couple of fast food restaurants, a gift shop, dental office, bowling alley (with a lease about to expire), and wraps lurking behind a gas station/mini-mart on the corner. The purchase price will be $8, 000, 000, but the net operating income appears to be like pretty good. You figure if you turn the bowling street into a full service restaurant/banquet facility, and convert typically the dry cleaners into a 24-hour coin laundry, the net managing income will increase and the shopping center will turn into a spectacular investment decision. You plan to pull together much of your life savings as well as put down $2, 000, 000 to buy this strip shopping center, borrowing the balance of $6, 000, 000. You bear in mind that your lawyer friend handled the purchase of your home several years ago, so you know he handles real estate. TRUE OR UNREALISTIC: Commercial real estate is the same as residential real estate [Hey, the all dirt, isn't it (? )], so you are now being a shrewd businessman by hiring your lawyer pal who will charge much less than a lawyer who handles shopping mall purchases several time a year. [What is the "due diligence" stuff anyway? ] ANSWERS: If you clarified "TRUE" for any of the foregoing Scenarios STOP! The Questions is over. Please find a quite place to reflect upon your wellbeing and consider whether the decisions you make consistently provide you with the results you desire. If, on the other hand, you understand that the answer to every single foregoing questions is FALSE, I am available to help you in Predicament No . 3. For Scenario No . 2, you should go along with your sister-in-law's suggestion and contact her eye operating specialist, or some other eye surgeon with equal skill. Just for Scenario No . 1, you are on your own. [But, any time you answered TRUE for Scenario No . 1, you may be ALWAYS AND FOREVER on you own. ] Investing in commercial real estate can be worthwhile and rewarding - but it requires good critical thinking about skills and competent counsel. You have a have a brain. It will be strongly recommended that you use it.

[hopeymchope]

SHSL Analyst Junko Enoshima and her unstoppable soldier sister vs. Indiscriminate Diary User Yukiteru Amano and his psychotic girlfriend. Go!

I had fun with this!

My points of consideration:

I am assuming that we’re talking about Yuno and Yuki as they exist throughout most of their story. If we’re applying them as they exist in the very last scene...   it seems safe to say that Junko and Mukuro are not up to facing those powers. So let’s just toss that out the window right away. Kind of unfair.

We don’t know if they’re forced to fight at first contact or if either party will have time for recon, so I’ll try to account for either possibility.

Yuno and Junko both have a lot of skill at reading other people’s motivations, behavior, etc, and then using expected responses to their advantage in order to predict outcomes. As a result, I think both of them would be able to recognize the other as a major threat.

That doesn’t mean that they’re on some equal playing field, though. I think it’d be safe to say that Junko’s skill is higher-level and far more reliable given that she’s much less likely to randomly lose control of her mental facilities than Yuno is.

Plus Junko’s going to swiftly notice that Yuki’s safety is Yuno’s highest priority, and then Junko’s going to exploit that.

Meanwhile, Yuno tends to require more time with or around a target to get into their head... and she may not have the luxury of such time here.

She might be athletic, sure, but in a straight-up fight, I don’t think Yuno can hope to stand for long against the Ultimate Soldier. She’ll be dead in under a minute. Deception and trickery are their only hope here; if Yuno has time to observe Mukuro in advance of the fight, I’d believe that Yuno could come up with something to outwit her. But if Junko actually decides to care about her sister’s continued existence on that day and she therefore counters Yuno’s expectations..... well. That’s the end of that — again.

Yuki is kind of a non-factor outside of his diary. He’s not much of a fighter and doesn’t have any super-noteworthy mental capabilities. Any success he has in combat in his own story is usually thanks to surprise, sleight of hand, or some kind of mind game he pulls... but I don’t see any of his tactics getting very far with Junko. She’s going to see them coming. And sure, towards the end of his story, he manages to use his diary to dodge some pretty rapid-fire attacks in sequence, but I don’t really believe that can work over an extended period. He’ll wear down faster than Yuno would in his place. His best defense is honestly Yuno’s own diary - the fact that she’ll be able to know anything Junko or Mukuro might do to Yuki before it happens is going to help him out for a short time... but as I said in the sub-bullets of my third point, it’s also an exploitable distraction. Simply use danger to Yuki to bring out Yuno, then take her out first. From there, Yuki won’t last much longer.

So at this point, I’ve decided that they can’t outfight the Despair Twins AND they can’t outhink them. Therefore, is there any hope for the Yunoteru duo?

Well, I think their only chance to win or survive lies in unpredictability. Yuno’s episodes of psychosis and disassociation can strike with seeming randomness, and they might throw off Junko if they strike at the right moment. That moment of surprise in her would be enough to land a critical blow, but there’s no chance to predict something that’s so haphazard. So their odds are very low.

In the end, Junko and Mukuro are the clear front-runners, and they’ll almost certainly win.

[seki-no-kishiko]

[Kishiko Seki: About + LFRP]

NAME:  Seki no Kishiko | Kishiko Seki. NICKNAME:  Seki, Kiko (rarely). AGE:  Approx. 24 years. RACE:  Au Ra, Raen (?). GENDER:  Female. SERVER:  Balmung/Crystal Cross-World.

HAIR:  Oceanic tones of aquamarine. EYES:  Sea Green. SKIN TONE:  Porcelain, fair. HEIGHT:  4′5″, below average. BUILD:  Slender, nubile. DISTINGUISHING MARKS:  [○] A long thick tail equal in length to body height, with plate-like scales over the upper ridge that gradually shift to smaller, fish-like scales similar to those across convex locations of her physique.  [○] Albinoesque brows & eyelashes.  [○] Light, translucent webbing between fingers and toes.  [○] A maw of unusually pointed teeth.  [○]  Shell-like horns. COMMON ACCESSORIES:  Kishiko wears many an outfit accompanied by jewelry that is forged from natural components of sea-life; shells and pearls woven together in decorative unison. She tends to adorn herself in many trinkets unable to be displayed in game or on the character model. AESTHETIC:  Nature, the ocean, sea shores, sunset, storms, water, mischief, sweets, swimming, fae/fey, seascapes, pearl, shimmering scales, song, ethereal dance, the moon, the sun, open skies, tides, raen culture, sea witchery, elemental magic, sharp teeth, blue/aqua/green/white, myths and legends.

PROFESSION:  Sea-Witch cryptid. AFFILIATION:  None at present. HOBBIES:  Swimming, exploring, singing, hunting, collecting shells, petty theft, trickery and fishing. LANGUAGES: Hissing & clicks, broken Hingan/Common. RESIDENCE:  None at present, Nomadic. BIRTHPLACE:  The Ruby Sea. PATRON:  The Kami. FEARS:  Larger predators of the deep blue, being restricted in access to aquatic environments for extended periods of time, captivity or imprisonment, death.

SPOUSE:  None. CHILDREN:  None. PARENTS:  Nakanoin (Mother, deceased); Kawakami (Father, deceased). OTHER RELATIVES:  With a bloodline that can be traced back to forebearers driven from land to sea, Kishiko is the last remaining of her family; a clan split from mainstream brethren at behest of ancestral secret.  PETS:  None.

Social Level:  Gregarious, confident, playful, curious. One  Positive Personality Trait:  Spirited. One Negative Personality Trait:  Fickle. One Personality Warning:  Kishiko is often capricious and flighty - as unpredictable as the ocean itself - making her prone to coming and going as she pleases with little understanding (at this point in time) as to how this may affect others around her. Random Quirk:  Waterbreathing - for reasons undisclosed, Kishiko is as capable of breathing underwater as she is on land. Addictions:  None at present, sans her sweet tooth. Habits:  Kishiko habitually uses her over-sized tail as something of a ‘cushion’ when sitting, more often than not laying it down over applicable surface before claiming it for herself. There is also a tendency for seafood to be eaten raw... and off the bone.

POSSIBLE RP HOOKS - these are suggestions only! The choice for hook is entirely your own, should you wish to use one. I will never expect a particular reaction from you or your character.

WITCHERY:  Kishiko is skilled in the use of water-aspected magicks, both in a conjured (white) and destructive (black) sense. At a basic level, she can draw and manipulate water from a source (abilities that can both give or take from the environment) or conjure it from her own aether. The larger the body of water she has access to, the stronger her spells tend to be. Kishiko does not have any experience, nor skill, in other elemental magic but is proficient in generalized spell-work born of ritual and oceanic ingredients.

RAEN HERITAGE:  Raen with ties to the underwater village of Sui-no-Sato and surrounding areas may have been warned at young age or made wary of the Seki in the waters beyond the dome, labeling them monsters - dangerous and cursed. Such stories were embellished over time, exaggerated to include gnashing teeth and promises of snatching away disobedient children - myths that eventually died out along with their source. To this day, some Raen in touch with aquatic heritage may vaguely remember the stories told to them as children at behest of older ancestors. Those who may have migrated without aquatic ties may still find common ground in shared heritage - a friendly, scaled face of familiar race amidst a sea of strangers. 

Not Raen? No problem! A scientifically minded character may show interest in studying or experimenting on physical variance between she and her Raen kin, just as the money grubbing may seek a chance to exploit if the opportunity opportunities arise. This also provides avenues for darker rp - which I’m open to (but would like to discuss beforehand)! On a lighter note, others could target conflicting/curious views between cultures, professions or gender, and the superstitious rife with caution.

A CHANCE ENCOUNTER: Most likely to be found in coastal communities, it is rare for Kishiko to be situated in regions akin to Gridania or Ul’Dah for extended periods of time (though not entirely impossible via roleplay). However, it is not unheard of to find her along any exposed coastline, including Vylbrand and Limsa Lominsa, with the possibility and frequency of an appearance increasing toward the Ruby Sea and Kugane. Sailors may encounter her in open water, applying the same premise. There are plenty of hooks to be taken advantage of here!

PLAYER’S CHOICE: I prefer to avoid more well-established connections with people I’m unfamiliar with (the fun is in forging these in roleplay, I find!), but I’m open to OOC discussion. All walk-ups are loved (especially when the ‘RP’ tag is up) - please don’t feel as though you need some grand plot or plan to approach with, a simple greeting or initiation will get the ball rolling! If you’re in the area, and are keen on a scene - let me know!

What Am I Looking For?  Friends, colleagues, rivals, contacts, connections of any kind! An FC, perhaps, if it fit her concept well enough!

Kishiko’s inbox is always open for interaction both IC and OOC, please feel encouraged to send asks, prompts or comments even if we’ve never spoken. I welcome cross-server asks and prompts as well, and will endeavor to do the same for you!

It’s rare for me to play a character like Kiko, but I hope you enjoy her! I am currently leveling her through the HW expansion and will likely update this in future, should things change or develop.

I follow from @kaliheart, but interact OOCly from @kalihearts and have been rping since 2013. I can be slow to type, at times.

I’m adaptable to many different stories, styles and situations.

+All RP themes from the dark, serious, and mature (violence, sexuality, murder, drug / alcohol use, etc.) to the light-hearted, humorous, and cheerful. I enjoy balance - I’m here to tell a story. Awesome dramatic plots. Heavy, feels-ridden plots. Elaborate, grand-scale, long-term plots. One-shot plots. Personal and private plots. Subterfuge and hidden plots. Rags to Riches. Serious injury. Temporary injury and incapacitation of mind or body. Temporary captivity or imprisonment. Combat. Ambushes. Assassination attempts. Rivalries. Deep platonic friendships. Romantic tension. Sexual tension. Coarse language.

As it stands, Kishiko is a character with room to grow as she learns more of ‘world customs’, and may grow or change depending on her experiences.

Very friendly, but an anxious and shy bean IRL... easily distracted! 

Asks, prompts and boosts are all loved and appreciated! ♥ 

Contact: In Game - Kishiko Seki or via tumblr DM!

[looped-lepus]

Today has certainly been...something. Like nothing big has happened as far as my external environment, but more of what’s been happening to me.

I’ve considered venting to my closest friends, but today I felt like I just..couldn’t. I’ve been venting to them for he same exact things and I feel like there hasn’t been any change. Along with that the lingering feeling of being a burden to any of them has been creeping once more. It could have been anything, my anxiety made me so antsy that doing something basic got me in tears.

Back up to some information just to clarify with myself. I was a graduate student who wanted to study School Counseling. It was one of the most broadest counseling field where I could potentially be a Career and Identity Counselor. After I graduated college, I didn’t get accepted and took a year off to work at a school. It made me stronger, let my confidence grow, and gave me a taste of what life is like without school. It was both fantastic yet still scarring considering that my work with these kids mainly involved them biting, spitting, hitting, and verbally abusing me. It made me stronger. I applied once more, and they finally accepted me. Last year, I spent three semesters loving the courses, loving the professors, loving everything about it except when it came to the labs. These labs were basically times where we practiced our new counseling skills on each other. No role playing, but rather being real to contribute to additional growth as counselors. After all, we can’t have a counselor shut down in front of a patient, client, or student. 

In these labs, I saw myself crack and crumble under the pressure. I was constantly stressed, I froze when I practiced leading as a counselor, and my emotions kept flooding. I didn’t know why until it came to my attention that, first- I was potentially molested and was prone to disassociate. It made sense since I have a hard time remembering things and I am very forgetful. On top of that I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life that I potentially made myself forget. Once that semester was over, and I went on to the next part of labs, I came to find out that I lived in a toxic household, especially with my parents. 

I fell into a deep depression and I was so broken down that I lost all purpose of anything. The hobbies that I would have fun with like video games weren’t fun anymore. Whenever I would write or draw, I would become so anxious that I would have a panic attack. The friends that I had made strong bonds with were weakening because I persisted in isolating myself. Yet, despite wanting to end my life and all of it, I couldn’t. I couldn’t end myself because I was afraid of death. 

I’m afraid of death and dying, and yet I’m scared of living because I couldn’t and still can’t function. 

My professors noticed this and suggested that I take a year off to find myself. And so I did. I’ve made a whole plan on what I’m going to do this whole year, and yet it’s only been 2 weeks since my finals ended and I’m feeling more lost than ever. 

Which brings me to today...or I guess yesterday-all of yesterday. 

I was anxious all day, and I think I made a friend of mine very agitated with me for cancelling plans last minute. I felt horrible because I never did that, and I know they were sensitive to it too. On top of that I felt horrible because here they were my only close irl friend, and I hurt them. I resolved to draw something for them, but in doing so drove me to sheer panic and antsy-ness. I couldn’t stop shaking as I drew, but I needed to do it. 

The picture turned out better than expected, but I had to step out and go to the store to clear my head. Immediately when I was driving, I broke down and almost had a panic attack. When I arrived at the store, I just stayed in my car and cry. 

But I had to pull through. 

I am a 25 year old person who’s capable of so many things..and yet I still can’t function. A quarter of my life, and I still struggle with connecting with people, building myself up, and building boundaries against my parents. 

My therapist the other day stated a lot of deep things about me as well, and we talked about how my mother morphs into my dad when he’s around, and both of them equally make me feel like a child. And while that’s great, but my therapist and I have been stating this for awhile with each other, but I’m not reaching any conclusions within myself. As a counselor-in-training and a psychology major, I am prone to overthink because I’m aware of myself and others. A part of that is realizing that I’m not getting better for just stating the obvious toxicity in my environment. 

What got me the most out of that session, though, was coming to the realization that despite my yearning to become a writer or editor growing up, I had squandered that chance because I took in what my parents said. They said it wasn’t realistic. It wouldn’t get me a good, stable job. While they stated that I was a good storyteller, it wasn’t good to rely on such fantasies. And so, I looked into the field of psychology and counseling. Both of which I loved, but each time someone would ask about my passions, I would always answer ‘writing’. Each time, I would bring myself further into doubt considering how scared I am to actually write nowadays. My parents had stuck themselves so deeply in my head, that I have constant reminders on what’s realistic, what’s not, what I should do, what I shouldn’t do, etc. 

My therapist pointed out that in the past sessions, he didn’t know that such artistic passions were that strong in me. I replied that these stories, my characters, are the only things that I keep to myself and keep secret because I’m awful at being secretive. Those are the only things that keep me, me. Whatever’s left of me are my stories. 

Yet, with all of that in mind, I’m even more lost. I’m lost, I’m scared, and I’m constantly reminded on how a lot of people at my age are functioning adults while I’m here, crying almost every day, can’t hold a job, can’t even hold up my classes, and can’t relax to save my life. 

I can’t imagine a future like this. I can state a lot of things I want to do, experience, meet, and so forth, but the more I think about it, the more it disappears because of how I am. I’m worthless and anything that I had going for me has all made me into a door mat for my parents. 

As I’m typing this, I am also second guessing and doubting myself. What if all of this was a huge misunderstanding? I’m forgetting something, aren’t I? What if I’m wrong to even THINK about going against my parents? I need to do more for myself and what I CAN do, not them! They have nothing to do with it. 

Why am I being left behind? Why do I KEEP being left behind? WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY? The only obstacles I have are just me. So why is it so hard? Why am I like this? 

Why do I keep hurting others? 

Hell, why do I keep hurting myself? 

I want to be better, but the fact that I’m not..would that mean I don’t? 

I don’t want to feel trapped like this forever, but I feel like my arms and legs are cut off. I can’t go anywhere without myself holding me back. I don’t want to be the victim, and all the blame should go to me. My locus of control? I should have control over myself. 

I want to be me, but I think I’m gone. 

I am lost, after all. 

I feel..so lost. I’m in pain, I hurt so much. I don’t want to be a scared kid anymore. 

I want to live, I don’t want to die. I don’t...

why can’t I be myself and trust myself and all of these words enough for these feelings of dread to go away?