#and also people finally understand why I’m fixated on certain things lol

[no1ryomafan]

tomorrow I’m going to see my irl friend even if I have other shit to do I mentally need to go see my friends and sometimes the self care matters first-I should do more shit today tho-and we are likely going to watch kikaider and binge it which will be my second proper viewing of it but I still don’t fucking know if we’re just gonna spend 4 hours on it or put it on 2x speed and finish it in less time-

Cause this is my fucking friend who watched ALL of big o and casshern sins in two separate days and that’s only cause they put it on 2x speed 💀

[devouredbyflame]

Good morning! It’s Ari, again.

I might drop by to DM sometime, but since I’m about to work, I didn’t want to be rude and just DM/start a conversation to throw questions at you and run off lol I’d rather DM to get to know someone if that makes sense. I thought it might be more appropriate to drop little questions here if any really drive me nuts while I’m reading your blog in the meantime.

If I ever ask anything you don’t want to share, feel free to say so! I’m trying to understand what I’ve read you say about finding your path yourself and avoiding echo chambers when you should be learning from the Divine, so I’m gonna try to limit my questions, but between my having ADHD, anxiety, and just generally being kind of detail-oriented, I still find myself fixated on specific details a lot

So with that ramble out of the way (sorry, I’m kinda long-winded, I’m sure you noticed in my email lol) my actual question(s) for today!:

(I see how long this got, so for a summary, this jumble of questions is about the likenesses of Deities you mention putting on altars)

In your first post about altar creation, I saw you say one of the things you need is a likeness of the Deity you’re making it for. It might be a silly question, but what really counts as a “likeness”? Is it just anything made with the intention of being His likeness? Or are we supposed to make an intuitive guess? I could see maybe going by personal UPG, but assuming we’re just starting out and not confident in anything like that, trying to make the altar to connect in the first place, I’m wondering how we know what we’re looking for.

Since I’m not able to practice openly at home, but my family knows I was a bigger fan of Hiddleston Loki than the MCU itself, I was thinking of finding a good/affordable figure of MCU Loki. So if the owner of the household rifles through my things, as she’s prone to do, and she finds a candle, a marvel figure and a couple of (to her) random things in a box, she’s more likely to think it’s just a box of knickknacks. But I’m afraid this will be seen as some kind of joke, I don’t want to be too familiar, in case I’ve been wrong about my connecting to Him so far.

Final thought- do Deities even really have human-looking appearances? I see Loki appearing differently to different people, especially as a shapeshifter, but is it really a thing that any of Them look a certain way? Like I’ve read you talk about meeting Him face-to-face when He has possessed people in front of you, and how He’s your roommate/in-and-out-of-your-body way of being with you now. But is there a way you “see” Him? And is that a way He’s appeared to you, in a dream or meditation or something, or is it just kinda a creative idea of how He looks?

Sorry for the length, and any errors! I’d stop to edit it down and fix run-on sentences, but I’m already kinda late starting work (oops). So I hope you have a good day! Hopefully I’ll have time to actually chat this weekend, if you’re open to that!

Hi Ari! You're totally fine. I love answering questions so give me what you got and I can do my best to further clarify for you. And also, I am ADHD so I 100% understand the need for detail-oriented clarification. My numerous questions is how I got to where I am today because I would ask Loki so many things about how stuff works so I can better grasp the nature of the concept. I am more than delighted to share what I've learned, how it works, and why it's been successful and that's kind of the point of my being here.

My answers are also really long-winded and mostly because I have a lot of knowledge and experiences and very few places to share it so bear with me.

So, in regards to the likeness question, I would say anything that is made with the intention of it being the Deity in question would be the best point of reference. However, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to be an obvious representation, just something that is synonymous with Their energy. Like, if you had a candle vaguely in the shape of the Deity in question or a clay model, a doll, or a picture that reminds you of Them, that also works. The purpose is to draw the energy of that particular Deity into the shrine which means you would need to "open the door" to both sides. Like, the Deity would need to know it is for Them as well as you so you can look at it and go, "ah, yes, that is the God in question." You would think They wouldn't care because They know your heart and your intention, but it is easiest when the object is designed with the God in mind.

That being said, I personally had MCU Loki on my altar for a year or two when I first began, knowing Loki probably was aware of my situation and that I needed to be closeted until I had my own place to live. I don't think it would necessarily be a problem if you have Tom Hiddleston instead of Loki Himself. When I got my own place, I got Him a statue carved out of wood and quite a bit of art by various artists I've found who I think draw Him really well.

The whole debate about whether or not Loki cares for MCU Loki itself is complex and I can possibly get into that in more detail if anyone is ever interested. But based on my experiences with Him, He has indicated that no, He doesn't really care for it to be on your shrine. It's fine if that's what you need to be conspicuous. He only really seems to care if you don't ask Him if it's okay. The point, I think, He wants to make is that by asking Him His opinion, He will make it okay because you gave Him your reasoning and didn't just assume. Which makes sense considering a shrine is a Deity's possession and not a devotee's after the point of making it a shrine. So, as long as you're asking His permission to use it on His shrine, I think that's absolutely clear with Him.

I cannot speak for Him, but I sincerely doubt He would ever wish to put you in the way of any danger when it comes to His shrine being made. However, I know Him to be very possessive of His belongings and prefers giving His consent with certain things. If you invite Him when creating a shrine, He will more than likely give you a sense of what you need to be doing for Him and whether or not it's okay. If you don't trust that, using a pendulum, flipping a coin, or other "yes/no" random generators are helpful. I wouldn't worry too much that you are afraid of insulting Him just because you don't have an option.

Just don't ask Him multiple times the same question because that's when He starts giving false answers. It can get aggravating but typically He doesn't like having only one-sided answers and would prefer to say both "yes" and "no" because He tends to swing both ways when talking about the nature of Himself as well as the Gods since it's never only ever just one single way.

I think He does mind Tom Hiddleston being used as His likeness if you have no reason to hide your shrine and if you don't ask His permission to so so He may say "no" but then "yes" later on given His consent and an explanation of your reasoning.

Now, I don't know your situation, obviously, and there's no reason for you to get into more detail about it to some random stranger on the internet but I will point out that having a shrine is a lot less obvious than you would think. People won't know what they are looking at if they are not pagan. I kept my shrine on my desk for the years I was closeted and my ex who was an atheist as well as my Christian parents did not know what they were looking at unless I specifically told them what it was. Even then, they were confused. I think unless the people you live with know what a pagan is or what a shrine should be, you likely are going to be fine even if they go through your belongings.

I recommend keeping it in a shoe box somewhere or an even smaller box that's tucked away somewhere no one will get to it even if they are looking. It's probably for the best regardless because it would keep other energy from getting to it that would be less than savory and could interrupt the energetic transaction between Loki and yourself.

Also, in regards to appearances, no, Loki does not have a physical appearance whatsoever. He is energy and energy does not have a form that we can see clearly with our two eyes. He likes to call Himself an "orb of light" and that He "floats around all day and does not do much of anything on this physical plane except wait around for stuff to happen."

I have seen Him manifest physically before but it is not human-like nor is it remotely something that is a common occurrence. It looks like glimmers of golden light that shines in the corner of my eye and flashes before it can ever be seen fully. My cats see Him all the time, actually, and watch as He zooms around the apartment and plays with them since cats have a keener sense of vision than we do.

So, no, He does not have any actual human-like qualities. However, it is my understanding that the way we perceive Him is translated by various triggers in our brain. Just like how we visualize a person as they are described that we haven't seen before, Loki essentially has a means to assist people with seeing Him who may have trouble recognizing who He is so He gives a common appearance. He's explained to me that when it's important for someone to know who they are looking at, He will appear to them as a lanky ginger with long red hair, golden eyes and pointed ears. But if it's not, then He can show up as anyone He wants to in any way.

So I suppose it's both the way He wants to be seen and also our own brains piecing together visuals that He triggers and we conceptualize as vaguely human but very obviously not given the amount of energy that resonates off of Him. So it's both intentional that He looks the same way to a lot of people while also being intentional when He doesn't. Regardless of where, how, and why He manifests, though, He feels the exact same way all the time and you'll know who He is just by being in His presence. So, I suppose, also, it doesn't truly matter about what He looks like on your shrine.

I hope that answers your questions (probably more info than you ever asked for) but I'm always open to clarifying things here and otherwise and that goes with anyone who stumbles on my blog. That's why I'm here. Also, yes, please DM whenever you want! I love meeting people. It's my favorite. Talking about this shit is my jam.

[andypantsx3]

Hii can I request a deleted scene for "if I could keep cool" that tells chapter 2 from Shouto's POV? I would absolutely love to c what was going through Shouto's head when he figured out that Y/N was just a cleaning lady and what was the moment that made him want to ask her out when he saw her at his house afterwards! Thank u!!

I accidentally got carried away, so this bad boy is 1.9k!! My apologies lol. I hope you like it!!

It wasn’t every day that someone told Shouto Todoroki to go fuck himself. 

Particularly not quirkless civilians, and never those he’d rescued. 

There was usually a lot more breathless gratitude, some bowing and scraping, and—mystifyingly—a lot of phone numbers, handkerchiefs, and very unsubtle attempts to get a hand or two around his biceps. Shouto didn’t really know what his biceps had to do with it, but he’d seen the same thing happen to Midoriya and Kirishima as well—and Bakugou once, before he’d nearly gnawed the woman’s hands off—so he assumed it was just another social cue he’d never understand.

As little as he cared for social cues, however, he was certain that there was usually a lot more thank you and a little less go fuck yourself involved in the whole rescuing process.

But then, he’d also never told off a civilian for having been kidnapped before. 

A civilian who, he’d come to realize almost immediately afterward, hadn’t deserved it.

When he’d asked his mother her advice over the phone, she’d told him the best thing to do was to be honest and try to start fresh. “White flowers mean forgiveness—tulips new beginnings,” she’d advised him.

So Shouto had ducked into the nearest florist and brought back an apology in hopes that you would accept it. 

He might have known, however, that you’d manage to turn even a simple apology completely on its head.

The clatter of cleaning supplies in his kitchen on Thursday afternoon told Shouto you’d let yourself in for your usual shift. He followed the sound, only for it to halt at his approach, the kitchen seemingly empty as he drew nearer.

He stopped short, fighting down a surprised swell of amusement when he realized you’d ducked down, hiding yourself behind his counters as if anyone, especially a pro hero, might be fooled by that.

“I know you’re there,” he said, keeping his tone even.

He heard a muttered swear word, and then you were rising slowly to your feet, wearing a sheepish expression, and clutching a bottle of windex like a weapon.

You looked just as you had the day of your rescue, though obviously a little less harrowed by a kidnapping. You were dressed casually in jeans and a simple shirt, no indicator that you were an employee of a cleaning service—Shouto felt at least a little justified in his mistake from last week.

You were clearly a college student, the backpack dumped at his kitchen island was evidence of that much, overflowing with textbooks and notes as it was, and you looked just slightly disheveled, like you might have come straight from class.

It was part of some nebulous, unassuming appeal to you, now that he had occasion to notice. He’d remembered your features twisted up in disdain, but they were open in surprise now, your eyes wide, fixed on him. His own eyes were drawn to the scrunch of your nose, a little curl of embarrassment that he suddenly found himself unable to tear his gaze away from.

“I, uh, thought you weren’t supposed to be here,” you admitted to him with a visible cringe.

Shouto almost laughed. He didn’t know much about you, but it was clear to him now that you weren’t anything like a crazy fan. You looked like you’d rather be anywhere but here at the moment. In fact, you looked rather like you might bolt any second.

A strange feeling shifted in his chest, and Shouto cut right to the chase.

“I owe you an apology,” he said simply.

You startled so violently that you dropped the windex. “W-what?”

Shouto sighed, admitting, “My manager schedules the cleaning days. I didn’t realize that you were—that is to say, I thought you were a fan who had broken in and managed to get kidnapped while you were at it.”

You gaped, another confused little expression that Shouto found himself fixating on with an intensity that surprised him. The weird feeling in his chest shifted, burning a little hotter. 

He wondered absently what other expressions he could get you to make.

“Oh, I, um...nope. Not a fan,” you said, and the feeling grew more insistent. 

He paused over the phrasing—not a fan. 

It had never bothered him before, when someone was a bigger fan of a classmate than they were of him, or weren’t really a hero fan at all. Shouto honestly did not quite understand why hero work was so tied up in fandom in the first place, and only attended fan events because his manager’s temper was not a thing to be trifled with. 

He wanted to be a hero who put people at ease, but ease was the last thing he felt with people clamoring all over him. Fighting villains was infinitely more preferable.

So why did your admission that you weren’t a fan of his niggle at his brain, like a particularly insistent parasite?

Who were you a fan of, if not him? 

“...Well, glad that’s cleared up now. I’ll just, uh, go then,” you said, grabbing an armful of the cleaning supplies and shoving it back under the sink hastily.

Shouto had moved before he knew what he was doing, getting himself in between you and the door out to the hallway. 

“Wait,” he said, feeling uncomfortable. “I want to make up for what I said to you. You...didn’t deserve that, especially not right after you’d been kidnapped by a villain.”

He watched you eye the space between his hip and the counter, like you were considering making a break for it. As he watched your face, he felt some strange hope that you might try it, a certainty he would catch you. 

...Why did he want to catch you?

You waved a hand. “It’s fine. You saved me, we can call it even.”

Shouto’s mouth turned down minutely. He’d behaved badly, but surely you’d credit him better manners than that. “It’s my fault you were taken in the first place. I’d like to apologize properly.”

Your face did something weird, then, another distracting little curl of the nose. “You don’t actually have to go fuck yourself,” you blurted.

Shouto stared at you, caught off guard.

“Uh, I mean. You saved my life,” you babbled suddenly. “And yeah what you said to me was super rude, but what I said to you was also super rude. So, um, I’m sorry too. And I really would just like to call it even and forget about it because it’s super embarrassing for both of us and I could literally die thinking about it.”

You stopped suddenly, looking self-conscious like you’d realized you’d been rambling. Shouto almost wished you hadn’t.

“I hadn’t really planned on it,” he said quickly.

“Hadn’t planned on what?”

“Fucking myself,” he clarified. You choked on a shocked laugh, and he let a small smile tug at his mouth—there.

Finally.

Finally you looked a little more comfortable with him. 

Shouto tried hard not to look too pleased with himself.

“Oh, well that’s good, then," you said. Then you puffed up a little, adding, "That’s probably a job for your actual secret lover.”

Good lord. “Not you, too.”

You threw him a smile, and Shouto’s heartbeat tripped over itself. “But I have evidence. I saw that homemade soup in your fridge once with the love note attached.”

It took him a moment to focus on what you were saying, but Shouto recalled the soup in question. It had been quite good, even if Bakugou had spent almost a half an hour ranting about what a weak ass little bitch he was for catching a cold. It had almost been worth it, the soup was that delicious. “Ah yes. That secret lover.”

“Cute pet name, too,” you said.

Shouto let out a low laugh, recalling the note. “You fucking fuck, was it?”

You laughed too, tension easing from your shoulders. Shouto’s eyes hungrily traced even that small movement.

A dawning sense of what was happening finally settled over him as he pronounced, “As it happens, however, I did already plan more of an apology.”

You looked up at him, your brow furrowing. “You planned...more of an apology?”

He gestured to a tall vase of white tulips on the kitchen counter. Your eyes went a little rounder as you observed them. You looked like you weren’t sure if they were for you, as if there were another previously kidnapped cleaning girl lurking about, who might be in need of an apology.

What a fascinating thing you were.

“I’ve been told that they mean forgiveness and new beginnings. I had hoped that we might...start over,” Shouto explained. He couldn’t help but feel self-conscious.

“I didn’t bring you any flowers,” you blurted.

He covered up a surprised laugh with a cough, the feeling in his stomach burning hotter. “I hadn’t expected them.”

He watched you turn back thoughtfully to the bouquet, certain now.

Over the phone, his mother had also said white flowers carried connotations of honor and purity. Two notions, Shouto realized with a growing sense of curiosity, that may be entirely inapplicable to his feelings about you.

He didn’t know much about you, but he knew for certain that he’d like to know more. And as he watched you reach out to pluck at a petal, wearing a shy little smile, he thought that yes, honor and purity had very little to do with his intentions at the moment.

You thanked him for the flowers, and Shouto made it clear to you that he hadn’t meant what he’d said about you being unwelcome here. He wanted—no, desired your return now. 

“That’s good to hear, thank you,” you said. Then your smile went a little mischievous. “As you can see, though, it didn’t really deter me.”

Shouto let himself smirk. “If I hadn’t seen the cleaning supplies already on the counter, I would be concerned that you’d come back for revenge.”

“There’s still time,” you joked. “Maybe I was going to play the long game and fill all the bottles with Sprite.”

The mulish statement surprised him into another laugh. “I hope the flowers are enough of a deterrent.”

You looked over the flowers again, then smiled up at him. His eyes caught on your mouth.

“The bribe has been accepted. Your countertops are safe from me.” You paused, then added, “For now.”

The hot feeling was everywhere now, simmering just underneath Shouto’s skin. He left himself lean towards you, relishing in the way your breath caught in a tiny hitch. “Be warned that I will do whatever it takes to ensure the safety of my countertops.”

You complained that he hardly used them, but complied nevertheless. Then you bullied him out of the kitchen, that tiny little scrunch back on your nose.

Shouto let you have your way, making his way over to the couch and settling on it with a book he had absolutely no intention of reading. Instead, as he watched you clean, he considered things.

He had always been straightforward about his goals. Once he’d chosen heroism as his dream, he’d let nothing stand in his way, working diligently all through UA, shooting nonstop through the ranks before breaking into the top five this year, one of the youngest to have ever done it. 

He was deliberate about what he wanted. He worked hard for what he wanted.

And as he wandered back towards the kitchen, questions ready in his mouth, he knew what else he wanted.

He wanted to know more about you.

He wanted to spend more time with you.

He wanted…

Well, he rather thought he wanted you.

I was going to edit this but every time I went to touch it, I made it worse. I hope you liked it anyway!

Garbage Fest masterlist & schedule.

[l4verq]

fight back | b.b

bucky barnes x enhanced!reader

in which bucky won’t lay a hand on you no matter what :(

tags : a little brawl, fluff cause icanthelpmyself, mentions of blood, john walker (idk if we're supposed to like him now ??) bucky is a cat lady okk

fic : one shot

a/n : inspired by that scene in the final ep of tfatws when karli is screaming at sam to fight back lol😳

|| gif by @unearthlydust ||

-

one world, one people.

you repeat it in your head one more time, when he comes into view, vibranium gleaming onyx with loops of gold.

you know that he knows you’re here, back to the wall a few feet away, peeking at him.

he doesn’t know that you let him know.

doesn’t know that you laid out a trap and just like the foolish mouse, he walked right into the lion’s den.

although you’re not sure who the fool actually is, when you meet his eyes, knees almost buckling at the sight just cause of how long it’s been without them.

“y/n.” he breathes out, almost in disbelief.

it’s been fourteen months since he woke up to an empty bed and a handwritten goodbye letter folded in a clean white envelope, tucked under a pillow still marked by the soft indentation of your head.

fourteen months since you took off in the dead of night, pulling your- his hood over your head, the cold wind nipping at your skin, almost like it was punishing you.

maybe, it saw what you did.

oh, but fred definitely saw what you did, that damn cat always followed you two around even though it’s owner was the blonde next door. her name wasn’t even fred, bucky came up with it after the third time it snuck into the apartment.

he swore he hated it but always seemed to have a treat lying around in case it did come.

and it did, a lot. neglected by it’s owner, it chose to seek comfort in the couple next door, and sometimes a meal or two.

“sorry, no treat today bub.”

fred scowled - honestly, you wouldn’t be surprised if an actual human was living in it - mewling as it came up to you for the usual chin rubs and cooes.

you sighed, caving into it’s antics, squatting to pet it.

cradling it’s head into your palm, she was purring, a very uncommon sight. fred doesn’t purr, she scratches and hisses at anything and everything that moves.

“you’re particularly nice today.” you commented, getting up. it mewled even louder this time but you turned on your heels and headed for the stairs.

you were already late.

your legs picked up pace quickly, easily crossing multiple blocks over in a few long strides owing to the blue serum coursing through your veins.

though your mind remained stationary, fixated on a single face, how it’d crumble at the sight of the letter, how he’d probably end up hating you.

“took you long enough.”

her auburn locks were tied into a loose braid that curved around her neck, the tip sat just below her collarbone, a piss poor job held together by a thin maroon colored band.

it was quintessentially her, the lack of utter patience to spend two minutes looping three knots of hair one over the other.

you jogged over to the other side of the black suv, noticing a stark white rectangle where a liscence plate should be.

“he’s knocked out cold,” you asked as soon as you grabbed the door handle open, “how?”

lazropthalein.

it came in the mail in a brown package, no return address. bucky wasn’t home, he had a scheduled therapy session down the block.

just a pinch is enough.

the text from the unknown number read.

it had no odour, a clean, white colour to it that blended in seamlessly with the flour.

“you baked without me?” bucky gasped, dramatically, hand covering his gaping mouth. his other hand carried two plastic bags, filled to the brim, a purple razor was poking out the top.

he even had to drop the poor bags on the floor, just to emphasize the utter shock he felt.

“i got bored.” you giggled, wiping the countertop with a wet cloth, remnants of flour on the sleek marble turning goopy under it.

“traitor.”

“it’s just cupcakes.”

“still a cake.”

you sighed, “you’re a five year old.”

he huffed, trudging towards the living room, shoulders hunched to really hone in on just how devastating this was for him.

“don’t i get a hug?” you held your arms out, making grabby hands, following him.

apparently, the devastation was to the point where he had to bring out the big guns, the sad baby blues.

the act lasted for another minute? at best. hours later, he was happily munching away.

“i know why it tastes so good.” he moaned, smacking his lips.

your smile faltered a little, did he kn- no, there’s no way he could have known. you burned that little plastic bag as soon as you dumped a pinch in.

“yea?”

he grinned, popping the last bit left in “it was made with your love.”

“how did it work?” your voice rose several octaves higher, amplified further by the cool, silent night.

drugs and sedatives don’t work on supersoldiers yet a certain blue eyed one was back home, unmoving even if you screamed right into his ears.

“dr wilfred, he invented it. the power broker wanted something to balance out our,” she flared her hands at both of you, “super-soldierness, so that we don’t have an upper hand when all’s said and done.”

would the either of you even be alive when all was said and done?

“look, i know you didn’t want to do this but james, he won’t understand. he’s not one o-..”

“yea, can we jus- let’s just get out of here.” you get in beside her, whipping the seatbelt over your torso.

the car was stuffy, felt like a choke around your neck that only seemed to tighten more and more.

“if we go now, there’s no coming back.” she glances at you, hand curled over the gearstick ready to position it in place.

she was giving you an out, one last chance. karli was a lot of things and having a heart inside that cold, bitchy exterior was one.

“i know.”

you sunk deeper into your seat, the hoodie had a faint smell of burnt toast and that cologne which was on sale, almost half off if you cut out the taxes.

it smelled like him, too much like him.

until it didn’t after a few days. but you still slept with it, just outright refusing to wash it despite karli’s snarky remarks about hygiene.

hygiene could go fuck herself, for all you know.

compared to the motels and basements you guys shifted around in, that hoodie was a doctor’s scrubs.

when the moon hung low on the black sky, you tried not to think about him too much. the silence didn’t help, you needed something to drown out your thoughts. that’s when the ‘socialising’ with the other flag smashers started. they were nice.

nice cause you were the leader’s little sister. but also a huge fucking liability because of a certain supersoldier hot on their heels in search of you, ruining every goddamn plan so their niceness was.. limited.

karli was a natural when it came to it, all of it. the talking, rallying of supporters - fuck, she just had a way with words. she could make you believe she hung up the stars in the sky.

probably how she convinced you that holding a room chock full of council members hostage right smack in the middle of nyc was a good idea.

the only idea, more precisely.

you guys had the upper hand, more than a handful supersoldiers at your disposal, capable of taking down the entire military force if you so pleased.

the only playing card they had was one supersoldier, who was better off distracted, kept off the field.

so who better to send to do the deed than the love of his life.

“fred had a baby. multiple babies, spawn of the devil if you ask me. always running around, thrashing the place up.” he takes small steps towards you, slow and calculated, as if a lion stalking around a prey.

“you shouldn’t be here.” you lie through your teeth, a tiny white compared to the ones that’ve rolled off your tongue before.

“i think the neighbours call me a cat lady now,” his eyes shift around and he leans in to whisper, “they haven’t even seen my knitting skills yet.”

“stop.” you think you said it or much rather whispered it, your voice was failing you. he’s getting close, too close for your liking so why aren’t you backing away from him?

“fred misses you, you know. she wonders where you went.” he smiles but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

the hairs on your neck shoot up, a slight twitch of your brow. the way bucky’s ear perk up, you realise it’s not just you and him here anymore.

someone else has arrived.

“i’ve got it handled, john.” bucky turns around, plants him directly infront of you, blocking john’s view of you.

sure enough, it’s john limping in, a nasty gash across his chest.

your blood runs cold because this isn’t how it’s supposed to go.

john isn’t supposed to be here, he’s supposed to be fighting.. oh god. you notice the various splatters of blood on his cowl, on his boot, on his shield.

it’s too much blood from a guy who’s barely bleeding.

“really? i was thinking you should do more than just talk.” he spits on the ground and wipes his mouth.

you notice, the spit’s all blood too.

“i’m giving you a chance to walk away, right now.”

john snorts, leaning sideways to get a view of you, neck craned out.

“and leave this prize all to yourself?” he grins, “i’d be an idiot.”

“you have a death wish then.” you lift your chin a little higher, praying your quickening heartbeat doesn’t give away your calm exterior.

john whistles, grimacing as he straightens, “so, she does talk.”

you scowl, crossing your arms.

he’s in bad shape. he has no chance, not that he ever did even in his best shape. he knows that too yet he’s still here. that sends a chill up your spine.

“go, i got this.” bucky tips his head, glancing at you.

“i don’t need you to save me.” you hiss at him, which comes out a little harsher than you intended. an apology dies in your throat as he flinches just the slightest.

“trouble in paradise?” john’s barely finished saying it before he’s reached behind his back and swinging the vibranium

you hear it before you see it stopped mid air by a gloved hand. then you charge.

it’s all a hazy mix of blue and red until your fist connects with his jaw, sound of something breaking ringing in your ear.

something pulls your waist back, a grip far too strong to be just flesh.

“go, i’ll ta-..” bucky’s barely said anything before an upward cut from john connects to his neck, violent coughs ensuing.

you grip john’s arm before he’s even retracted it back, jump up his back, settling around his neck and twist until you hear a crack and a bloodcurling scream following suit.

he whips his head back right into your stomach, seizes that moment when the wind knocks out of you to pull you by your hair off him.

“i told you to go.” bucky growls, kicking john right in the shin that makes him kneel and you almost fall off but you keep your fingers tightly looped around john’s hair, pulling as hard you can.

but he’s relentless.

your head hits something hard and you realise you’re on the ground now, legs loosely around john’s shoulders, him also on the ground.

it’s like the both of you realise at the same time but you’re quicker. your legs tighten around his neck, against the spot where a thick neck muscle throbs. he claws desperately around, straining for oxygen

soon, his hands lull down, the dull thud on the ground confirming his unconsciousness.

“are you hurt?” bucky’s hovering over you, seemingly unfazed by john’s neck in a chokehold by your legs right now.

you reject his hand he extends and push yourself off the gravelly concrete on to your feet.

“this was a mistake.” you trail off, saying it more to your own self.

you weren’t the lion, you were the stupid fox who thought it was.

stupid enough to believe you were over bucky and that everything wouldn’t come rushing back as soon as you laid eyes on him.

he whips you around by your hand and before you know it, he’s already caught your other fist heading for his sternum. you barely feel the grip, it’s soft, just so incredibly soft and fits so right.

you hate it.

rage bubbles inside you, mostly at yourself. partly at him because he’s not screaming at you or slamming you against the wall or jus- anything.

you wrench your hand away, land a swing which he does nothing to block. his grip on your other hand loosens and he still does nothing when another hit to the jaw leaves him staggering,

instead, he looks at you softly as if resigning himself to your anger, to let it simmer off.

“fight back!” you scream, outstretched palms pushing him back.

he stumbles a few steps back, hands reaching out to yours resting on his chest, fingers intertwining yours tightly.

“stop.” it’s a soft plead, tears spiking the corners of his eyes.

“hit me!” you’re practically begging at this point, thrashing your arms around.

his hands grapple at your shoulders, bringing you to his chest, “it’s okay.”

he smells so sweet, just so sweet that you almost believe him.

“i drugged you and i left you and i-,” you inhale sharply, “i killed so many people, bucky.”

the last fourteen months had escalated quickly from doing what’s right to doing what’s needed, lines blurred between moral ethics and survival.

“it’s okay.” he repeats, hand patting your hair, gentle and soothing. your body betrays you, sinking into his touch, his warmth.

“you should hate me.” you whimper.

you wouldn’t blame him if he did. you doubt he could hate you more than you already did yourself.

he pulls back, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, “i couldn’t if i tried.”

god, why does he have to be so.. bucky?

frustated, you spit out, “this? this was a distraction to separate you and sam.”

you don’t say it but it’s understood, understood that you wouldn’t have met him if not for it.

the inner corners of his brows angle up slightly, a ghost of a smile on his lips, “i know.”

your breath hitches, if he knows then wh-

“then, why..?”

you finally look up at him, vision blurry because of the stupid tears pooling at your eyes.

his thumb wipes away a tear dribbling down your cheek, the coldness of the metal a clear contrast to the warm moisture, “you know why.”

-

a/n : this one’s been sitting pretty, collecting cobwebs in my drafts so thought i’d take it out lol, also haven’t been posting fics in a whileeee cause im dumb and i’ve been working on multiple things all at once lol yea this is me rambling and also i just wanna say that i. love. folklore. sm. that whole album has me crying and sad and just :((

[baya-ni]

The Queer Appeal of Sk8

Recently @mulberrymelancholy reblogged a post of mine with a truly galaxy brain take about how Sk8 “is a show made for queer fans” and generally how sports anime often depicts love and relationships in a way that’s more accessible and relatable to ace/arospec people than other mainstream media does.

Just, *chef’s kiss* fucking brilliant. I urge you to read their post here (note I’m referring to the reblog not the actual post).

And basically, it got me thinking about this concept of Sk8 as a Queer Show, and the kinds of stories and dynamics that tend to attract queer audiences in droves, regardless of whether its queerness is made explicit or hell, whether that queerness was intended.

And that’s what I’ve been pondering: What are the cues, markers, or coding, in Sk8 that set off the community’s collective gaydar?

I obviously can’t speak for the community. So here’s what aspects of the show intrigued me and what, for me, marks Sk8 as a Queer Show beyond the subtextual queer romances: a punk/alternative aesthetic, Found Family, Shadow as a drag persona, and The Hands.

1.) The Punk Aesthetic

All three of the above screenshots are taken from Ep 1, and every single one of them depicts background characters. They’re nameless and ultimately unimportant characters, yet each of them designed so distinctly and so unique from one another, one could mistake each of them for the main character(s) of another story.

Of what little I know about Punk subculture, I do know this: that the ethos of Punk is heavily built around a celebration of individuality and non-conformity. Sk8 seems to have incorporated this ethos into the very fabric its worldbuilding, and the aesthetics and culture upon which it takes inspiration appeals specifically to a queer audience.

I don’t really need to explain why Punk has such deep ties with the queer community. For decades, queer people have found community and acceptance within punk spaces, and punk ideology is something that I think is just ingrained in the queer consciousness as both lived experience and a survival tactic.

Therefore, a show that adopts punk aesthetics is, by association, already paying homage to Queer culture, intentional or not.

Queer fans notice this- like recognizes like.

2.) Found Family

This also needs little explanation.

Too often, queer individuals cannot rely on their “born into” families for support and acceptance. Too often, we are abused, neglected, and abandoned by those who we were taught would “always be there for us.”

And so, a universal experience for queer people has been redefining the meaning of Family, having to build our families from scratch, finding brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers in people with whom we have no blood relation, and forming communities tied together by shared lived experience rather than shared genetics.

And this idea of Found Family is also built into Sk8′s narrative.

Like, for example, the way that Reki promises MIYA that he and Langa will “never disappear from [his] sight,” filling the void that MIYA felt after his friends abandoned him.

And in the way that JOE becomes a paternal figure for Reki, teaching him ways to improve in skateboarding, and ensuring that Reki doesn’t self isolate when he’s feeling insecure.

And in the whole Ep 6 business with Hiromi acting as babysitter to the Gang.

Hell, even ADAM (derogatory) is associated with this trope. Abused as a child, he finds solace in an underground skateboarding community and culture he helped create- his own found family (or some powertrippy version of it anyway).

Again, queer fans see themselves depicted in the show, but this time in the way that the show gives importance to Found Family relationships between its characters.

3.) Shadow and Drag

This is one that’s more of an association that I personally made. But I was intrigued by the way that Hiromi adopts his SHADOW persona. He wears SHADOW like a mask, and adopts a personality seemingly so opposite to his day-to-day behavior.

Further, the theatricality and general “gender fuckery” of his SHADOW persona, to me, just seemed so similar to a the characteristics of a drag persona (I don’t know a whole lot about drag but enough that I’m drawing superficial similarities).

There’s also this aspect of a “double life” that he, and actually all the other adult characters of the show, have to adopt, which is a way of living that I’m sure a lot of queer viewers see themselves reflected in.

4.) The Hands

Ohhhh the Hands.

One of the things I noticed very early on is the way the show constantly draws our attention to Reki’s hands, which I thought was a little strange for an anime about skating. After all, skating doesn’t really involve the hands, or at least the show doesn’t really draw attention to hands within the context of skating.

I count 3 times so far between Eps 1-9 in which hands are the focus of the frame.

First, when Reki teaches Langa how to fist pump after Langa lands his first ollie, second, when Reki and Langa make their Promise, and finally, when Langa saves Reki from falling off his board.

And you know what they say, twice is a coincidence but thrice is a motif (no one else actually says this I think I’m the only one who says this lol).

I’m not really certain why hands seem to be such a shared fixation among queer people (at least among those I interact with). All I know is that gay people are just fucking obsessed with them.

I have a Theory as to why, and at this point I’d love for other people to chime in and “compare notes” if you will, but I think it basically has to do with repression. And in the same way that queer people have had to redefine the meaning of family, we’ve also had to redefine intimacy.

Being overtly physically affectionate with someone of the same sex, even if they’re your significant other, or often specifically BECAUSE they’re your significant other, can still be dangerous, even now despite the “progression” of society. Queer people know this, this vigilant surveillance of our environment and ourselves, always asking ourselves, “Am I safe enough to be myself?”

Already, Western culture is pretty touch-averse. That is, it’s considered taboo to touch someone unless they’re a family member or a romantic partner. And to touch a person of the same sex in any way that could be misconstrued as romantic (which is most things tbh) is a big no no.

There’s just A Lot to unpack there.

But basically I think that queer people, by necessity, have had to learn to romanticize mundane or unconventional ways of being physically intimate so that we can continue to be romantic with one another without “being caught” so to speak.

Kissing and hugging is too obvious. But a handshake that lingers for just a second too long is much more likely to go unnoticed, braiding someone’s hair can easily be explained away as just lending a helping hand, touching palms to “compare hand sizes” is just good fun.

But for queer people, these brief and seemingly insignificant touches hold greater meaning, because it’s all we are allowed, and all we allow ourselves, to exchange with others.

God, I’ve gone off and rambled again. What’s my point? Basically that the way the show draws attention to Reki’s hands, and specifically how they’re so often framed with Langa’s hands, is one of the major reasons why I clocked Sk8 as a Queer. It’s just something that resonated with me and my own experience of queerness, and I know that I’m not the only one who noticed either.

~

So in conclusion, uhhhh yeah Sk8 the Infinity is just a super gay show, and it’s not even because of the homo-romantic subtext (that at this point is really just Text).

Because what’s important to understand is that Queerness isn’t just about same-sex romance.

Queer Love isn’t just shared between wives/girlfriends, husbands/boyfriends, and all their in-betweens. Queer Love can be two best friends who come out together, queer siblings who rely and support one another, a gay teacher who helps guide one of their questioning students, a queer community pitching in to help a struggling member.

And that all ties with another important thing to consider, that what we refer to as the “queer experience” or “queer culture” isn’t universal. In fact, it wrongly lumps together the unique experiences and struggles of queer BIPOC all under one umbrella that’s primary White and middle class.

So I think what drives a lot of my frustration about labeling a show like Sk8 as Queerbait is this very issue of considering queerness and queer representation within such narrow standards, and mandating that a show must pass a certain threshold of explicit queerness to be considered good representation.

I get that someone might only feel represented by an indisputable canonization of a same-sex couple. That’s fine. But labeling Sk8 as Queerbait for that reason alone ignores the vast array of other queer experiences.

The aspects of Sk8 that resonate most deeply with my own experiences of queerness is in the way that Reki and Langa share intimacy through skating (intricate rituals heyo). For me, them officially getting together ultimately doesn’t matter- I’ll consider Sk8 a Queer show regardless.

Similarly, @mulberrymelancholy​ finds ace/arospec representation in that very absence of an on-screen kiss. A bisexual man might find representation in Reki, not because he enters a canon relationship, but in the depiction of Reki’s coming of age, growing up and navigating adolescent relationships. A non-binary person might feel represented through CHERRY’s androgyny.

That’s the thing, I don’t know how this show will resonate with other members of the queer community, and it’d be wrong to make a judgement on Sk8′s queer representation based on my experiences alone.

That being said, Straight people definitely don’t get to judge Sk8 as Queerbait. Y’all can watch and enjoy the show, we WANT you to enjoy these kinds of shows, and we want you to share these shows and contribute to the normalization and celebration of these kinds of narratives.

But understand that you don’t have a right to tell us whether or not Sk8 has good or bad queer representation.

And even members of the queer community are on thin ice. Your experience of queerness is not universal. Listen to the other members of your community, and respect that what you might find lacking in this show may be the exact representation that someone else needs.

[introvert--weeb]

Hello, there! Can I please get a Tokyo Revengers matchup?

I’m 19 years old, female, INTP, 5’8” and an Aquarius.

I get mad fairly easy, but let it buildup until it burst. When I finally let it all out, I have a tendency to shut down.

Used to love reading but now I can hardly read more than a paragraph of anything that isn’t fanfiction.

I always, always, always use emojis when texting. I can’t help it.

I procrastinate like no other. Once, I procrastinate for an entire year.

I have wild dreams and aspirations. I wanted to be a doctor at some point, then I was a cheerleader for a bit, and I’ve wanted to be a kpop idol since I was 14.

Music is my first love, I listen to music all the time. I am in love with music, fr fr. I can be annoying sometimes but I am generous. I have hyper fixations from time to time, latest one was Howl’s Moving Castle. Before that was Alice in Wonderland, then Peter Pan. I focus solely on one franchise at a time. I hate exercise and can’t drive. It is what it is. I have the strangest sense of humor and am a night owl that can get up surprisingly when I need to. Hate studying but can pass a test. Am currently in school to become a medical assistant. But I would love to become a kpop idol still, lol or an actress. ✌️ I can also speak Korean fairly well.

Thanks in advance.

I really hope whatever your dream is comes true! ❤️

I will be matching you with...

Ran Haitani ❤️

You had met Ran while you were wandering through Roppongi, waiting for one of your friends to arrive so you could go check out the music store together. After all, there were some K-Pop CDs that had been released that week and you wanted to make sure you could get yourself a copy.

Ran had been heading out for some supplies that he was running low on when he noticed you. It was how cute you looked that got this boy to stop in his tracks. Now, this boy is prideful and has no problem walking over and starting a conversation. And that's just what he does.

By the end of the interaction, Ran was walking to the store with your number and a date secured for that weekend.

Your first date with Ran would probably be hanging out around Roppongi. He doesn't splash out the money until he knows it's going somewhere. Call him mean but he doesn't understand why he should spend a small fortune if this was just a casual thing. However, he isn't heartless. He will buy you some CDs you wanted as well as an ice cream from a dessert cafe.

After a few more dates and developing feelings, you both entered a relationship. Ran would be the one to ask you out but it would just be a simple 'will you be my girlfriend' kind of ask. So don't expect anything extravagant.

Ran is better once you have entered a committed relationship with him. He becomes a lot more caring and will happily take you out for better dates than hang-outs in Roppongi.

He would definitely be texting you most of the time you two are not together. From simple reminders that he loves you to memes that made him think of you. You best believe you will be roasted lovingly by the lazy man. And he really doesn't mind the overload of emojis in every message. In fact, over time, he would be adding his own overload of the digital faces to his messages. The whole chat would look so colourful with all the emojis that decorate it.

The times where you get hyper-fixated on a certain topic, Ran would take notice and make a mental note of what it is. So when it comes to getting you gifts, he will buy you whatever he can find that relates to that topic. Figures, books, posters, you name it. As long as he can afford it, he will get it you.

I can see Ran being a night owl. After all, he is a gang leader and most of his gang business happens at night. So if you are awake and willing, he will come and pick you up on his bike for late night adventures. This is only when the Haitani Brothers don't need to be taking anyone down that day. These late night drives don't really have a destination and you would end up just driving for a few hours until he takes you back home.

Will 100% support you in your career aspirations. He may not have any himself but he can see how important your dreams are to you. If you were planning an all-nighter to catch up on your studies or studying for exams, Ran will stay with you, snacks and drinks tucked away in his bag for you and him to share.

This relationship would be one where you would simply hang out and enjoy each others company. No need for expensive dates when he can simply cuddle you at home. Can handle your anger since he has had to grow up with Rindo and lord knows he can get angry. The memers when it came to texts/messages. He wouldn't fully engage in memes while around Rindo or where people knew him.

[saladejin]

Admire | 06

Seokjin x Fem!Reader | arranged marriage!au, husband!Seokjin | Strangers to lovers, angst, self discovery, loneliness in luxury, touch starvation (eventual smut), eventual domestic fluff

Summary: You’d never needed anyone else. Growing up alone, living alone, existing alone. It all came naturally and effortlessly, quite like breathing. That was until your somewhat distant parents finally decided it was time to make good on a promise. One they’d made before you were even born.

Warnings: There’s only one bed - but nothing too saucy lol, touching

Word Count: 2.4k

A/N: Just a mixture of fluff and angst for you guys hehe

<< masterlist

»»————- <<prev | next >> ————-««  

When you came out of the tiny bathroom that night, the lights were already off, and all you could see was the mounded shape of Seokjin underneath the bedcovers. He must have been pretty tired, as he’d been the one with the most hours of driving under his belt so far. You stood and appreciated the way the lamps from outside cast tiny slivers of light across the surface of the duvet.

You climbed in, wishing that the bed was a lot bigger so that you didn’t have to feel or sense his presence anywhere near you, the idea of little proximity making your knees weak … also considering his lack of shirt.

You wanted to be close to him, to feel his skin against yours, to hear the way he inhaled and exhaled small puffs of air as he slept, or even just the sound of his gentle heartbeat. Having that sense of closeness would make you feel so incredibly relaxed. You didn’t know how badly you craved it until now, and you didn’t know why that was.

Then he was turning over, and it was slow enough to make you panic, but not slow enough to give you the time to inch further away or turn yourself around. You were face to face with him, and his cursed eyes as they took in your slightly parted lips frozen from fear. 

Why is he even awake?

He didn’t say a word, just blinked and waited for your tensed up muscles to loosen. As you sighed and ran a hand through your hair in frustration, he lifted one corner of his lips ever so slightly into a knowing smirk.

“You scared me, idiot,” you whined in a low tone, turning to face him again but keeping your eyes fixated to a point above his face. You couldn’t really bear the shame of looking into his amused gaze again. In truth, it didn’t seem like he wasn’t amused but rather just as curious as ever.

“Why can’t you sleep?” he wondered aloud with a certain rasp to his tone that you found much too attractive. A loud part of you wanted to ask him to just keep talking, not even caring what or who he talked about. You only realised then that you’d brought a finger up to start tracing the outlines of his shoulders leading into his collarbone, the feeling of his lean muscle putting your mind at ease for some strange reason.

“Physical contact, right?” he then said almost to himself.

Your finger stopped in its tracks and you lifted your eyes to his in confusion. You must have been way too tired to even form rational thoughts. Had you seriously just been touching his bare skin without hesitation?

“What?” was the only thing you could blurt out in your state of conflict.

He didn’t answer, but your shock was soon replaced by a tingling warmth when you felt one of his hands grazing the exposed skin of your waist, precisely where your shirt had ridden up the most. The way you shivered and sighed at the contact was too immediate to be considered normal, and you heard the way he softly inhaled at the reaction.

“You never really mention how badly you need it. I can barely understand it, or you,” he commented calmly.

“Your needs are different from mine. How can you understand something if you’ve never had to think about it? When you’ve never yearned for it so much that you almost lose your mind every time someone looks at you?” you said with a tinge of shame flaring immediately after the quiet outburst. You were too vulnerable, too much like an open book for him to read.

He seemed to be trying to keep his emotions concealed, but it was obvious how intrigued he was to watch your inner turmoil. He continued to run his hand downwards and then followed the slope of your hip back up towards your goose-bumped shoulders.

You were so happy to finally receive the touch and attention you wanted that you couldn’t help but shift closer to him. You heard a tiny murmur of disbelief rumble deep in his throat, but ignored it. You only moved to press your colder hand to his chest and run it upwards, and eventually burrowed your face deep into the crook of his neck. He was so warm, and it made you feel so unbelievably secure. You surrounded yourself with the scent of him and let out a large unbridled sigh of relief.

The wide hand that had stilled on your back from the shock began to move again. He gently brought your figure further into his and let his deft fingers continue tracing patterns onto your back over the fabric of the shirt.

“Since the wedding, I’ve made sure to keep my distance because I was sure we’d be out of this almost as soon as it started. I’ve always been reserved to people in my life and that hasn’t changed,” he said so quietly that you would’ve missed it if you hadn’t been so close to him.

“So, I don’t get what you’re seeing in me now really. I know you better than to think you’re seeing me as a simple warm body, it’s much deeper than that. Why do you feel the sudden change in attitude, after all this time?” Seokjin murmured. It was questionably the longest time you’d heard his voice speak in succession.

“I guess I just wanted to be this close to someone for once,” you whispered with a sad smile. “It’s like that one time we were dancing but a zillion times worse. Since the start, I’ve battled with loneliness and thought of myself as self-sufficient and independent, but for some reason it’s all suddenly changing, and I don’t really know how to feel.”

Right then was when you’d let your walls crumble into a dusty pile of bricks and stone. You were so exposed; you may as well have been sitting stark naked in front of the man. All your insecurities were laid out on the slab for him to see … One. By. One.

You continued in a breathy voice, one beat away from breaking. “It has nothing to do with how you’re not the warmest or most companionable husband out there. That didn’t matter to me before, and it sure as hell doesn’t matter now. Think of the life I’ve lived…”

It was silent for a few moments as you let him mull over his thoughts. The rhythmic sound of his relaxed breathing soothed you into your next words.

“A partner. That is what you are to me, and that means you’re kind of irreplaceable since I’ve never had one before. It doesn’t matter if you’re distant, or cold, or even confusing at times because at the end of the day we only have each other to come home to. And if you’ll indulge me sometimes, I’d like to see you as the rock that keeps me grounded. The one common denominator reminding me that I’m not alone in that big, empty house.”

You paused, not knowing if you should continue due to the lack of response. When he seemed to still be running it over in his head, your sudden spark of confidence fizzled and almost died out completely.

“I’m probably the most selfish person for this, but to put it simply I’m using you as a security blanket. Wrapping myself up in the familiarity just to feel safe. Because you always just seem to have it together whenever I’m the one breaking down.”

He was just starting to open up to me as well, yet here I am scaring him away like a madwoman.

“That’s why you wanted to stick with me since the beginning, right?” he spoke surprisingly after a few heavy moments. “At all those first parties and balls you had no idea of what you were doing, so you asked to stay beside me because you were the outsider and I was the one stranger out of all of them that you just happened to know a little more.”

he mused, cast into a thoughtful sense of amazement. “I saw that you were scared, but didn’t know that you felt that way back then.”

You couldn’t help but shift your gaze upwards to garner any kind of visual reaction from Seokjin. When you only found his eyes looking down at you with a profound look of shining sympathy, you blinked away the tears pricking at the corners of your own and buried your face deep into the space between his neck and shoulder. He was a like refuge, and you were only hiding from your own disgrace.

The sound of his deep even breathing was lulling you into a sleepiness so strong that you could feel your lashes kissing your cheekbones every few seconds. Your chest was positively alight with a burning bittersweet combination of happiness and regret.

He was holding you close, giving in to your cry for help even though your past self would have never believed it.

~

Days passed, and ultimately so did your roadside adventure.

The last night was proving to be an absolute delight, with the whole group sharing toasted marshmallows on large twigs around a crackling campfire. The vehicles were parked around you, casting long looming shadows along the grass while you all reminisced about your healthy time spent away from work and life in general.

For you, the highlights had definitely been the beach. Feeling the sun-kissed sand underneath your toes and listening to the sounds of rolling ocean waves had almost put you in a trance of sorts, a serenity you could barely describe. Other memories were things such as shopping in the old town stores, dining on the most nostalgic meals, spending the summery nights gathering with family members and catching up on your busy lives.

These were all just some of your favourite moments spent on the trip, but they couldn’t compare to the ones you had experienced with Seokjin. Even now, as you sat near the campfire surrounded by the busy ramblings of your real family, his magnetic field of a presence drew you in.

There he sat next to your grandfather; three fingers pressed firmly to the strings of an acoustic guitar while the older greying man showed him how to strum out the chord. You felt your heart squeeze when Seokjin smiled lightly and took over from the elderly man. He began playing the instrument shyly, fingers still shaky from inexperience but getting the hang of skill as if it were something as simple as breathing.

“(Y/n).” His steady voice broke into your thoughts like a freight train. You brought yourself back into focus to see him tapping the tightened strings of the guitar gently. The warm orange glow of the nearby fire flickering its own cadence of hues onto his flawless features.

“I’m getting one of these when we get home.”

Everything within you stuttered at his matter-of-factly statement, and for some reason the smile plastered on your face began to falter.

‘When we get home.’

Why did these simple words cause your bottom lip to quiver ever so slightly, or your eyes to brim with unbidden salty tears? You couldn’t even pick apart the emotions within you to decipher whether they were ones of happiness or sadness. Everything was a jumble.

“Sorry,” you excused yourself before placing your stick covered in gooey marshmallow remnants on the flat log below. Nobody really took notice as you made your way briskly towards your motorhome, face tingling with pent up feelings and mind a whirring mess.

I’m happy, and surprisingly enough, that’s a bad thing.

You let the motorhome door click shut and threw yourself onto the soft pillowy bed face-first.

I’m happy on this trip, but that isn’t the problem. I’m happy with him…

A lonely tear of frustration escaped the confines of your willpower, trailing a warm path down your cheek in a sad descent. It soaked into the white fabric underneath.

I’m not meant to be happy with him! I’m meant to be just waiting it out until we go our separate ways. I’m meant to be disengaged, disinterested.

You gripped the bedcovers harshly, knowing that your own foolish need for his touch had gotten you into this chaotic disarray. You were so happy to know that he wasn’t an asshole, that he wasn’t some douchebag who had his head stuck up his own ass. You were ecstatic to find out that the man you’d been condemned to marry just wasn’t the whiny juvenile brat you’d expected.

“But why would everything be easier if he was?” you whimpered to yourself.

Then the door was being pulled open and the sounds of the chirping crickets flooded into the van, all the way to your throbbing ears.

“Hey, what’re you doing?”

Hearing Seokjin’s voice after mentally recalling every aspect about him you admired only twisted the knife deeper into your gut. You knew you should have pretended to be tired and needing sleep, but under his watchful eye it just wasn’t going to happen. Slowly, you sat up and combed the flowing hair out of your face with firm unforgiving fingers.  

At the sight of your tear-stained skin and blotchy eyes, Seokjin’s gaze softened and he exhaled loudly before making his way over. You were so upset at yourself for letting things happen the way they had, but this time you didn’t hide your emotions away out of courtesy.

“I’m sorry Seokjin.” You cleared your throat and sniffed. “I’m sorry for letting myself believe... I’ve gotten so used to fooling other people about us that I forgot to exclude myself. So, I’ve been fooled.”

By now the tears were gone, and the only evidence remaining of your explosive breakdown was the hoarse edge to your voice. You knew he probably wouldn’t understand the confession, and it wouldn’t hurt his feelings. You were the only one dumb enough to pull the veil back over your eyes. The veil convincing everyone watching that you were in love, and in turn seeing it all through the same shroud.

You couldn’t lie to yourself anymore. You were in love with him. 

Copyright © 2020 by salade. All rights reserved.

[legoshi-plz]

Cynic (Legoshi x Reader)

Legoshi x Canine! Reader

Warning: NSFW (+18), minor mention of Rape/ Sexual Assault

Summary: Maybe you and a certain Grey Wolf are more alike than you thought.

A/N: So I decided to change up these requests just a little so that I could combine them ! I hope you guys like it! These started off as Headcanons but i got a little carried away lol also Characters are all over 18 in this fic

/////////////

You weren’t exactly what people would call a ‘happy’ animal.

Okay that was an understatement, you could be downright depressing at times. It’s not like you actually meant to be such a downer, you just considered yourself a realist and being a Carnivore in today’s society was the farthest thing from a ‘happy’ existence.

People profiled Carnivores wherever they went, always quick to see your kind as natural aggressors and when they weren’t clutching their purses ready to call animal control on you all for just being alive, they were quick to go over the top to prove they saw “all animals equally”, which usually was just a ploy for ‘progressive points’.

Being a Domesticated Dog, you recognized your privilege was a double edged sword in one of the worst ways possible. You had Herbivores constantly in your face telling you “You’re one of the good ones” while other Carnivores mostly saw dogs as ‘sellouts’ who were willing to whore themselves out (socially and in... other ways) for even the slightest scrap of attention. It was infuriating just living in such a society and you constantly felt on the verge of snapping but if you did, you’d just prove to be everything they already thought you were.

So needless to say, you kept to yourself. You just couldn’t bring yourself to put on the false pretense of cheerfulness that domesticated animals were expected to uphold so you tried to keep to yourself. No one understood you nor did they try. They were too caught up in their own charades and you were beyond the point of explaining how screwed up this world was. They knew, they didn’t care.

You were convinced you would spend your entire high school career in the shadows, not making an impression (good or bad) on anyone or anything and for a while it seemed that way. Until your final year.

For the most part, keeping to yourself gave you a lot of time to observe others, rarely were you the one technically being ‘observed’. Which is why you couldn’t understand why a certain Grey Wolf couldn’t keep his eyes off you.

He was painfully obvious, his awkward attempts to hide his little obsession whenever his eyes met yours was almost comical.

You chalked it all up to him probably being another sick fuck with a fetish for submissive animals. It was more common than most people like to address and Domesticated female dogs were the leading demographic of rape/ sexual assault victims from wolves. It was mainly the close proximity of their biology that made it so hard for wolves to control themselves (if you could say they had any control to begin with.) They preyed on smaller dogs because in comparison to them it was the closest they could get to defiling a Herbivore without the internalized shame and disgust. Also female Carnivores were often not believed when it came to these crimes because they were perceived as stronger/ more aggressive and should have been able to defend themselves. Yet another flaw in this fucked up animal judicial system.

You decided to ignore the Wolf and hope he just moved on. There weren’t many dogs at Cherryton but there were a few others who would probably be more than happy to tame the beast that lie within him. Or between his legs.

But weeks turned into months and his interest in you failed to cease. You decided to confront him. You decided to do so after class once the rest of the class filed out. He usually drug his feet so it wouldn’t be hard to catch him. Best case scenario, he was embarrassed about getting caught and promised to stop. Worst case scenario, he can’t control himself and takes you right then and there. You were apathetic either way, there were worst things out there than fucking a Wolf right?

You approached his desk as he was scrambling to shove his things into his shoulder bag, the rest of the class had long filed out by now.

“H-Hi,” he said looking up at you, his ears tilted downwards.

“You got a problem with me or something?” You can tell by the way his ears tugged down even further that your voice came off a little harsh but that was just the way you were.

“W-Why would I have a problem with you, YLN-san?” He was avoiding your cold stare. He was a Grey Wolf for crying out loud, what was wrong with him? Wolves were a lot of things but skittish wasn’t one of them.

“Drop the formalities. You stare me down day in and day out but now you’re afraid to look me in the eye? What are you playing at?” Okay maybe you did sound a little harsh but you didn’t believe in skipping around the topic.

“I just... noticed we were kind of... the same, y’know....” he grimaced. You left out a dry laugh. He knew nothing about you but he thought the two of you were the same? This definitely had to be some sort of ploy. He wanted something from you and sooner or later you’d find out what that something was.

But that later never came. He began to explain himself, explain how he was pretty bleak too and that he couldn’t help but notice that someone else seemed just as paused in life as he was. At first you thought he was just churning out bullshit but the more you sat and listened to him, the more you hung around him, you began to see the undeniable similarities between you two.

He would express the struggles he faced with his own existence as a Wolf, how he felt like he could never truly be himself, or even know what being himself actually meant because he was so busy trying to make people unafraid of him. It was like you had met your other half. He understood what had been gnawing at you from inside for years now because he was going through the exact same thing. And so the two of you became fast friends, nearly inseparable from one another.

You tried to deny it but you were slowly becoming more and more infatuated with the Grey Wolf every day. Legoshi was so kind and reserved at times but you found those traits all the more endearing. He showed such vast wisdom and maturity despite his own social awkwardness and you found yourself overwhelmingly comfortable in his presence. Comfortable and safe, his naturally huge physique and protective instincts which should give you every right to fear him actually proving to do just the opposite.

Speaking of Physique, you had to admit that Legoshi was undeniably attractive. Tall, beautiful coat, all lean muscle, a thick healthy tail you had found yourself drooling over near-constantly. He was any Canine’s kryptonite and you couldn’t believe you hadn’t noticed it before now. Maybe it was just because you were so enamoured by his mind that your attraction to him physically was inevitable. Either way, you found yourself daydreaming about mounting him more times than you’d like to admit.

You thought that perhaps what you felt for Legoshi might be mutual until you found out he used to date a tiny Herbivore . And not just any Herbivore, a rabbit. The daintiest of them all. So he was just another sick psychopath with a fixation on innocence. You were heartbroken to say the least. What probably hurt the most was that you were no where near his type if Rabbits were his thing. You never stood a chance. But then again that wasn’t a surprise. You were nothing special prior to meeting Legoshi so why would yo expect anything to be different now.

That being said, it didn’t make you want Legoshi any less physically. You might not be his ideal mate but you knew there was still a part of him in there that had a desire for sexual release, a desire that Canine felt especially compelled to with other Canine, and you were going to capitalize off of that.

You found him in his usual spot in the art department after dark. He was always the last to leave.

“Y/N! Where’ve you been? H-have you been avoiding me?” He asked his tail tucked between his legs. You hadn’t seen him in about four days and giving the nearly inseparable friendship the two of you had over the past few months, it was out of character.

“I was,” you said bluntly. His ears lowered immediately.

“O-oh... did I do something wrong?”

“Yes,”

“... what was-”

“You fuck rabbits, Legoshi.” You saw his fur visibly stand on end and his eyes turn wide as saucers.

“Y/N I-”

“Look I’m just gonna cut to the chase,” you deadpanned, stepping forward, “I wanna have sex with you.”

“You WHAT?!”

“I’m attracted to you Legoshi. I might not be your type but I am small and I can make you feel good.” You didn’t wait for his response as you dropped to you knees in front of him.

“Y/N wait please,” he was tense all over but you were already unbuckling his belt and unzipping his trousers. Surprisingly, he went commando.

You pulled him out of his pants to see his knot was already beginning to swell at your touch and he was painfully hard. You licked your hand and began to stroke his impressive length. Guess it was true what they say, the thicker the tail, the thicker the-

“Y/N please just give me a second!” Legoshi asked cupping your face between both his large hands. You craned your neck up to meet his gaze but continued to pump his aching cock.

“Just relax, Legoshi. It’s okay if you have to pretend I’m a rabbit, I don’t really care. I know I’m not much to look at anyway,” you said, wrapping your mouth around his angry tip that was currently streaming out pre-cum. You moaned at the flavor as Legoshi shuddered above you.

“Y/N please stop, this can’t happen like this, okay.” He said slightly more forcefully as he pulled you off of him and began to tuck himself into his pants, his cock straining against the fabric defiantly creating an enormous bulge.

“Really? That unattracted to me, huh? Well, I guess it is what it is,” you said in your usually monotone voice while standing up and brushing off your skirt. You turned, about to make your exit when Legoshi grabbed your arm.

“Wait, Y/N, look I didn’t- it’s not that- I just-” Legoshi was flustered and looked as if he was ready to pass out at any moment.

“Spit it out, Wolf boy,” you said , trying to hide the fact that your feelings were pretty hurt.

“I just- I like you Y/N, really I do but-”

“You just don’t like me in that way. I heard you loud any clear. It’s whatever, Legoshi. Don’t stress it,” you said attempting to shrug out of his grip.

“Hold on, can we talk about this?!”

“There’s nothing to talk about, I wanted to have sex and you don’t.”

“I- I do w- of course I want to have sex with you, Y/N. I like you, a lot. You’re actually all I’ve been able to think about for a long time. But you’re so.... so.... indifferent towards even the slightest romantic implications, I didn’t think I had a shot in Hell...” he sighed.

“If you like me then why’d you stop me?” You asked evenly. You weren’t about to get your hopes up, that just wasn’t your style.

“Because I like you. If there’s even a chance you feel how I do then I wanna do this right. Ask you out properly, ask you to be my girlfriend, ask if I can kiss you, y’know the right steps before...”

“I suck your dick?” You offered, a small smirk playing at your lips. His still very much present hard-on twitched visibly at its mention.

“God, Y/N,” Legoshi groaned attempting to cover himself. You fought back the urge to giggle at his shyness despite the fact he was in your mouth less than two minutes ago.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I want to do it. Don’t you want me to?” You bit your lip in what you hoped was a seductive way.

“So fucking bad,” Legoshi groaned again unable to avert his eyes. You took this as an opportunity to step forward once more.

“Then why don’t we let this one slide, huh? And then we can do things your way?” You whispered palming him through his pants. He unconsciously began to grind lightly against your hand.

“Y/N, I’m in.... Male mode.... if we start, I might not be able to stop,” Legoshi voice was straining from trying to keep his own pleasure at bay. You dropped back down to your knees, once again pulling him out.

“Then don’t. Do you know how long I’ve been wanting to ride you, Legoshi? Let’s allow this one free-pass then you can start all the courting processes you want,” you said before taking him into your mouth. Legoshi felt his eyes roll back into his head as he thrust softly into your warm, wet throat.

“W-Wait, one more thing” he moaned, once again taking away what was quickly becoming your new favorite treat.

You were about to protest when he kneeled down to your level, again cupping your face in both his hands in order to place the sweetest kiss imaginable on your lips. He rested his forehead against yours for a moment, before pulling away to see you with the dopiest grin on your face.

Yeah, you were definitely going to be the death of him.

[storysofmyown]

Seven stages of love Chapter 6: Agape

Summary: Ever since the Celestial War, since they all fell, Asmodeus has  dedicated himself to his sin. Not caring about anything else, but  drowning himself in the pleasure and ecstasy of it all. But not anymore,  now he cant even handle the idea of it. But, what else is there to want? After so long of having indulged in his sin, what is there than  Asmodeus is looking for, something that will fill him, and that wont  drive him to destruction? Perhaps his brothers can help him with that. Warnings will appear in each chapter.  

Read on ao3

Word Count: 1560

Trigger Warning: None that I can think of. If you find any feel free to let me know so I can add them!

“…hey.”

Asmodeus eyes snapped open, sitting up immediately only for his forehead to come in contact with that of the red haired demon that awoke him.

“Beel!” Asmodeus whined as he rubbed the spot he had hit, looking at his younger brother that had fallen on the ground, and was rubbing his forehead too. “You scared me!”

“Sorry.” He spoke, one eye closed as his hand kept the spot they had hit hidden. “I got curious on what you were doing.”

Asmodeus let out a sigh at that, eyes moving from his brother to the currently empty sky. The moon light shinning over them and the flowers of the garden, as a light breeze made the demon shudder, sighing, his breath becoming a fine mist before disappearing in the cold air of the devildom. What was he doing? Right, after his talk with Lucifer he had escaped from the oldest room and had wondered aimlessly. Lost in thought, or more like lost in life. The He felt…ashamed, of having said those things to Lucifer, and above all, he felt exposed, like part of himself had become undone for everyone to see. And he didn’t want his eldest brother to see what was going on trough his head.

But, for some reason, he had found himself wondering into the gardens. Maybe it was because he knew it was rare for the others to come in here at this hour. Or that’s what he originally thought. There seemed to be many things he didn’t know about his family, as well as himself, and possibly everything that was around him. He had never stopped to think what it meant to be a demon, and even worse, he had never stopped to think what it meant to be Asmodeus, and now, here he was, watching as the flowers in front of him moved slightly, some closed of to the world as Beel sat beside him.

“…just wanted to think.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the total true. He had wanted to be alone, to not be seen by anyone but…there was something comforting in the Avatar of Gluttony that made him know he wouldn’t be judged no matter what he said.

“I see, thinking is nice.” Its all Beelzebub said, before picking up a watering can.

Afterwards the two felt into another silence. That was something he had become aware of recently after the talk with the eldest, their conversations were full of pauses, moments in which they could collect themselves and think before answering, spaces where they could analyze and take in what the other had said. But there wasn’t much to take in at the moment. It was only him, Beel, and the soft breeze that made some water droplets fly towards him, making the disoriented demon smile just slightly, before going back to his comfortable position. In which the silence prevailed, and he was grateful for that. Grateful that it was Beel the one keeping him company as he thought.

It was rare for his mind to be this quiet. For the last weeks it had been like a swarm of bees had settled in the demons’ mind, each screaming something else and pulling him in different directions that he couldn’t even see. But right now, it as…peaceful. And for the very first time since this whole crusade had started, he found himself being quite sure of what it is he needed. Almost all brothers had given him the answer, but each meant something different to them. And Asmodeus had yet to understand what it meant to him. He wanted to know what that word was for him. And maybe, just like so many times before, one of his brothers had the answer.

“Beel?”

“Mhm?”

“…what is…**** for you?” his words could be carried away by the silent breeze of the night, but somehow his brother had managed to hear him.

“Well, I guess everything?”

…what? Everything? And why had Beel not questioned him on why he was asking such a thing? Well, what else could he expect? It was Beel he was talking to, and as weird and cyrtid his answer was, it made the smallest smile come to the demons lips.

“Everything, huh? How so?” Asmodeus and opened and closed his eyes, noticing the twinkling lights up ahead as he lied on the grass, not even looking at his brother, who was still watering the plants.

“Well, I guess I just don’t have many things I dislike.” Beel shrugged, making a frown as he put too much water on a plant, proceeds to take a shovel and put a little more dirt to it. “But I do like a lot of stuff.”

“But liking is different…isn’t it?”

“Is it?” There was a genuine confusion in his brothers voice as he straightened up, glancing at Asmodeus for half a second, at which the demon glanced at his brothers as well. There was an unspoken answer in their looks. “What is difference?”

“…I don’t know. I guess that’s why I’m asking. I just…don’t understand how you can say that you…care for everything like that? I mean, I understand if you said us or food, but everything?” Asmodeus impulse himself up slightly, having his weight rest on his forearms, head thrown back as he watched the ever still sky of the Devildom, that above his gaze felt eternal.

“Yeah, I don’t know why either. I just think that way.” His brother shrugged before placing the watering can where it originally was and sitting down besides Asmodeus, his gaze fixated in the exact thing Asmodeus was. The infinity above their heads, and the vastness around them. “I mean, why would I not care about things?”

“But why would you care about everything?” it felt like they were going back and forth, and at thee end, like they didn’t say anything at all.

“…well, because everything composes the things that I really care about.” Asmodeus simply looked at his brother with a puzzled expression, tilting his head to the side. Only for the demon to talk again as if he could read the clear confusion that had taken over his older brother and the younger claim. “I mean…well” Beel frowned, almost as if he was having trouble putting into words what his head was telling him, putting into words the reasoning behind the bold claim of loving everything. “…you know how I really love food?”

“Oh, you do?” Asmodeus said in an almost sarcastic tone before chuckling and nodding to his brother.

“Well, I guess its kind of like how I like Simeons BTL sandwich. I like the sandwich entirely, but it wouldn’t be the same without each of the individual parts. So, why would I also choose to like certain parts of it, when I already adore the complete thing?” Beel had a small smile on his face as he chuckles a little.

His words left Asmodeus thinking. At first, he found it almost cliché that his brother would decide to relate things back to food. It was Beel, after all, so he wasn’t surprised when the demon started talking about food. But if he ignored that part, his brothers words made sense. Beel said he cared for everything, and at first Asmodeus was dubious of it. Heck,. The Avatar of Lust could have sworn in the past his brother couldn’t even feel anything else besides hunger. But now, here he was, the two starring at the same sky.

“…I guess that also applies to you.” Beel speaks, a smile on his lips as his eyes reflected the stars. “…you are all my family and I **** you all. That includes the bad, and the things I know you don’t like about yourself.”

“…does that include Mammons stupidity?” Asmodeus attempted to joke, only to notice Beel frown at that.

“Of course it does. And I guess that is also why I care about everything. Because all is part of the things and the people that I hold dear and close to me.”

At this, the demon smiled again, this time slightly even brighter, and Asmodeus smiled too. There was something almost…peaceful in his brothers words. Something that gave him hope. And even something that provided him with the very thing he had been looking for this entire time. Understanding. A genuine smile plastered itself across Asmodeus lips, the confused, rage, and sadness he had been feeling for so long now he finally understood. He could finally once more face himself in the mirror.

“What about you? What is **** for you?”

Days before, the question would have sent him into a spiral of self hatred and reflection where he couldn’t even find a shred of ideas that could let him answer that question. Now, the most it did was make his smile falter for half a second before a content sigh left his lips. Falling back onto the green grass of the gardens inside the House of Lamentation, Asmodeus chuckled lightly. That question had the very same answer of the “what was ****” question. But the answer would not have been complete without all of their brothers meddling in his life like always. Asmodeus could finally say what was exactly what he needed.

“…I think I finally know the answer.”

Agape: Love to all beings without expecting in return.Universal, generous love.

******

Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Next week will be the final chapter of this work so I hope you all are excited lol. Hope you all had enjoyed this episode, and that you all enjoy next weeks as well!

Next chapter

Previous chapter

Other works

[skvaderarts]

Hiraeth Chapter 49: Structure

Masterlist can be found Here!

Chapter Forty-Nine: Structure

Notes: LOL I’m deliriously tired today. IDK why. But anyway, I hope you enjoy it. And congrats to HunterJamie for being the only one I know of for sure to catch that little reference regarding the demon! I was so worried that I didn’t do a good job describing them.

(-~-)

Diving out of the way just in time, the intrepid group of young devil hunters realized very quickly that the foe they were up against was distinctly different from anyone that they had faced in the past. He possessed a certain calm diligence that was hard to put into words, but it made simply running up and attacking him infeasible, and that was before his weapon or his frankly ferocious summon was taken into account. Every step that one of them took towards this foe ended in him shifting to the side or back and blocking them, only for them to immediately be flanked by his absolutely relentless familiar.

The devil didn’t move like anything that the youngest of the Dark Knight Sparda’s descendants had ever faced in the past. It was cold and calculated, waiting for the perfect moment to strike as it pinwheeled in and out of the darkness. It stalked them with a methodology not unlike Shadow’s, but with a speed and fluidity that made it difficult to keep your eyes on where this creature was actually headed next. They couldn’t watch it at all times and also keep their eyes on the summoner it was protecting. That would literally require extra eyes. And while one of them possessed a set of wings that possessed an additional set of hands, none of them had any additional eyes. It backed them into a corner that they frankly didn’t want to be in, and they were resentful of that, fact to say the very least.

Jetting towards the train car, Flora slid underneath one of the downed pillars in an attempt to momentarily confuse her pursuer. It only partially worked, forcing the devil to bolt around the other side of the pile and search for her, but not stopping its pursuit. Not even a bullet in the back from Nero a moment later could succeed in that endeavor, distracting it for a moment as it turned to snarl at him in irritation, but not culling it in any meaningful manner. The young man cursed under his breath and hurried after it as he hurried to swap out a few of the rounds in his revolver. This might be worth breaking out something a bit more powerful.

Lucia blocked an oncoming attack from the summoner, locking their weapon in place for a moment as she hoped that V would take the opportunity to attack. Thankfully, he did just that, sending Shadow to attack their shared opponent in the form of a rush of black spiked tendrils that slammed forward out of the floor, destroying the already heavily damaged pavement as she leaped forward and towards the summoner’s throat. He managed to pull away from the guardian, turning his weapon on the demonic panther, a move that saw her retreat in mid-air in the form of a dusty black powder that retracted until it reached V. That wouldn’t have killed her by any means, but any harm that he could prevent happening to her he would gladly welcome.

A well-placed trio of thin, razor-sharp throwing daggers nearly found their mark as Lucia aimed at the mysterious individual’s head, nicking their hood, but nothing more. They seemed to pause for a second, looking over their shoulder to find the instruments that had nearly caused them to meet their end stuck in the side of the wall. This gave Nero the perfect opportunity to fire a charged round at them from his place across the room, succeeding in causing them to stumble, but not killing them or even wounding them, by the looks of it.

They slumped over towards the floor, looking down as they placed their hand on their face, something black dripping from within the confines of the hood. V could only assume that it was blood, but he couldn’t be sure from the distance that he stood. It was too dark in the terminal to see much of anything. If he was willing to make a guess -and he was- he’d say that the terminal had electrical damage. It was hard to believe that a major metro line wouldn’t have some sort of backup power capabilities.

Standing upright, the individual looked over at V, anger radiating off of them in waves that took the white-haired summoner somewhat by surprise. They seemed fixated on him, tuning everything else out. And as they did so, the sound of metal pulling apart could be heard from the other side of the room. Flora had reached the train, and she was using what seemed to be a great deal of power to force open the bent train doors. But as soon as she succeeded in getting them open, she let out a sigh of exhausted relief and was immediately beset upon by the unfamiliar devil. It launched itself off of the ceiling, slamming its two large hands like appendages down into the concrete in front of Nero and gripping it, ripping the concrete tile out of the foundation and sending him tumbling back into the train’s undercarriage. He fired a few misplaced shots at it in retaliation and most met their mark, but this only served to enrage the beast further as it tore tunning after him. Flora turned away from the screaming civilians that were running to safety from within the mangled train car to try and waylay it, but was struck down for her trouble, letting out a loud, agonized cry as she did so, clearly in a great deal of pain and totally taken aback by the sudden attack. It had turned so fast… 

V felt his blood run cold as he witnessed this, sharing a momentary look with Lucia. One of them needed to get to Nero and Flora as fast as possible, and he knew that it wouldn’t be him. They were in a hard spot, and would be in grave danger without assistance, not to mention the lives of the dozen or so people who were only now making their way to safety; a path that was intersected by an extremely dangerous fie that they stood no chance against. 

With a slow, prolonged blink, he silently asked her to go instead, choosing with much difficulty to allow her to save the both of them from what would otherwise be certain death. It hollowed his heart to do so, but he knew that he could handle their unwelcome guest on his own if she could handle that demon. And he knew without a doubt that that demon, as fast as it might be, couldn’t outspeed Lucia. She would see to that, and he would handle this mindless murder. V was certain that if he kept his cool and focused on the task at hand that he could defeat them. After all, he’d gone up against dangerous foes before, and many of them had been several times larger than him with powers beyond his wildest imagination. At least this opponent was the same size as him.

Stepping forward, the other summoner adjusted their stance in an obvious bid at attempting a follow-up attack. Part of V wondered if his opponent was clearly telegraphing this on purpose to mislead him or if they were simply starting to grow tired and were unaware of what their body language was giving away. Regardless, the young summoner would be prepaid for whatever this individual threw at him.

As they stepped closer to him, V took notice of something rather interesting to him. His opponent had a limp. It wasn’t especially obvious when they were standing still, but during the brief windows of time that they spent moving forward towards him, V had noticed that their right leg was clearly weaker than the left. It stuck out to him like a sore thumb, the young descendant of Sparda personally understanding the discomfort it caused and the detriment it could be at times. Injuring it during his fall several years back had sent him down a rabbit hole of continuous reinjury that broken bones seemed to be so prone to, but he made a point of not allowing that to stop him. He would manage. All in all, it wasn’t that bad, not to mention the fact that it gave him a convenient reason to explain the presence of his signature weapon. People didn’t like to question that sort of thing. He only really carried it at this point due to his pension for sudden bouts of weakness, but that insight gave him an especially devious idea.

Playing into what he assumed they might attempt, they rushed him suddenly as they had previously. The difference was that this time he was ready for them. Calling Shadow to his side, V easily phased past the pillar that he’d been pretending to have his back against, blocking the attack with his cane. Shadow went for the stranger’s back, a move that they seemed to anticipate to some degree as they sidestepped her, a slight graze that did substantial damage to the back of their coat being the only evidence of the strike. But just when they seemed to believe that they had dodged the attack, Griffon materialized and hit them with a wall of powerful electricity, causing them to step back right into the waiting jaws of a very enraged panther. They were taken to the floor in an instant, calmly raising their hand to signal for their familiar to return to their side. A loud demonic screech from the other side of the room, indicating that his request was being denied as the demon was pinned to the wall by Lucia’s twin blades, the guardian withdrawing them and spinning as she slashed their throat. She then stepped back and allowed Nero to put another charged round square in the demon’s head as a final act of overkill, the bullet detonating a moment later and ending the beast.

Looking over at their struck-down familiar, they craned their neck up at V, barely paying any mind to the fact that Shadow was standing with her right paw on their chest, severely restricting their movement. After a moment they exhaled, a breathless, soundless laugh coming from their chest as they did so. They nodded to themself, never taking their focus away from V as they did so. A part of him felt as though they were almost sarcastically impressed with his actions and those of his companions. They would probably clap if they were capable of doing so. But without the ability to see their face to be able to look them in the eye, he had no way of knowing for certain.

“Okay asshole, you’ve got a lot of fucking explaining to do,” Nero said, clearly furious as he stumbled over with Flora in tow. The young woman had her arm wrapped around his shoulders and he was supporting her carefully by attempting to hold her up under the arm, but she was at least still conscious and coherent. For his part, his head was bleeding from his tumble down under the train, but he was otherwise unharmed. She said nothing, her fury evident as they made their way over to the rest of the group. Lucia juggled a couple of her throwing daggers between her fingers, her eyes trained on the individual who had caused them so very much harm. She had no intention of allowing them to so much as breath too hard.

A procession of terrified but grateful townspeople shouted thanks at them as they passed, running for their lives in the direction of the stairs. The escalators might have been non-functional at the moment due to the lack of power to make them move, but they were still stairs either way and all that they wanted to do was get out of there as soon as possible. All they knew was that the train had crashed and that two strangers being attacked by a monster had pulled the doors open. That was more than enough.

Seemingly paying no mind to Nero’s emotionally charged question, they kept their eyes locked on V. He could tell that much just looking at them. They were most certainly human, that much was clear. And with that fact established, that only left two outcomes. That they possessed no emotions, or that they were so devoted to whatever it was that they were trying to accomplish here that they had forsaken them. There was no semblance of fear or concern anywhere in their demeanor. Even with Shadow holding them down, their own sumon temporarily despatched, and four powerful foes standing over them ready to strike them dead at a moment’s notice, they just didn’t seem to care.

“In case you didn’t hear them, they both asked you a question. It would be wise of you to answer it after everything you’ve done.” Lucia said patiently, her pleasant but firm tone belying the fact that she was rapidly losing her patience with this individual. Well, that was if one were to assume that she had ever possessed any towards them in the first place. She very likely hadn’t and was simply unwilling to jump the gun in a situation like this. Any information that this deranged psychopath could provide them may prove to be useful. So long as their existence might be useful, then they were safe from her ire. But for their sake, it was probably best that they start talking sooner rather than later.

Without warning, darkness suddenly enveloped the station. It was a sort of all-consuming presence that felt physically heavy. And from that darkness manifested a long, centipede-like demon covered in a hard, almost shell-like carapace. It bulldozed through the already mangled building, jetting up out of the ground and towards Shadow. The group was knocked back against the wall of the supports buckled under the level supports, a large hairline crack splitting through the ceiling above them. The horrifying creature coiled around the other summoner as the structure around them began to lose its structural integrity.

V called Shadow back to his side, sharing a concerned look with his companions as they realized that they needed to get out of there as fast as they could. Making a B-line towards the defunct escalators, they ran as fast as they could manage, the ground caving in on them as they went. Dangerous chunks of concrete and metal toppled to the ground above them as they made their way towards the exit. They were cutting it dangerously close and they all knew it but none of them dared speak a word in relation to it. Speaking that into existence wasn’t the best idea.

Instead, they all made haste towards the last exit that wasn’t obscured, diving and tumbling out onto the pavement as they managed to just barely escape with their lives. The sounds of sirens, collective speech, and emergency vehicles drowned out every thought that they might have possessed in their minds as they simply laid there for a moment and allowed the gravity of what had just happened to fully sink in. They had tried their best to face off against their unfamiliar opponent, and they had rescued as many people as they could from the wreckage caused by the accident. Everyone else had fled, but V and Nero especially hoped that once they left and the emergency services took over that they would be able to find as many people alive as possible. The area had seen enough death, and the people in that station had been innocent bystanders whose only crime had been being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

As they laid there catching their breath, V internally cursed himself. He now had a more concrete idea as to why that masked murderer might have been quietly laughing to themself. They had an ace up their sleeve, and it was quite the boon in such a short space. Had they been above ground, things would have no doubt gone differently. “And next time they shall. This won’t be the last of them that we see. I refuse to believe they are actually dead. It’s never that easy.”

“… That one I do know. Scolopendra. An infernal demon; as ancient as they are enormous. I believe that they never stop growing. Thankfully that one was relatively small by their standards.” She waited for a moment to see how they reacted, noticing that none of them seemed to respond in the way that she expected them to, she shrugged painfully, allowing Nero to help lower her to the floor. “They come from the deepest depths of the underworld and care little for our tawdry affairs. It’s exceedingly rare to see one in the human world. I’d love to know where that summoner got them from.”

“Well, what a wonderful fucking surprise. I hope we never see it again.” Nero said as he shook his head, unsure as to what they should do next. They needed to head back and talk to Vergil, sure… but then what would they do? Would they accidentally lead their enemy back to the office or to V’s house? They needed a plan. Perhaps it was best to track down a phonebooth and call the others to let them know that they were alright? After all, it stood to reason that they knew what had happened at the station by now. Vergil being injured probably wasn't going to keep him from going to search for them. They had to beat him to the punch.

But as they stood up and started to brush themselves off, something familiar caught their eye from the other side of the crowd that had started to gather near the station. All the shouting and commotion suddenly evaporated in the presence of something more familiar to them, a welcome sight after the horrors and near-death experiences that they had all just sustained.

Vergil had just arrived. And he had a lot of catching up to do. 

(-~-)

Sorry for any mistakes. I was super tired when I was editing this. Like, I got to the last two pages and I was falling asleep sitting up. It was bad. Anyway, I can’t wait to read your thoughts on this one. I had a blast on this chapter, and I hope you did, too!

[maerenee930]

i need to vent about something pretty personal so please forgive me and please ignore this 😂 i swear it’s nothing interesting and it may be tmi. so yeah, you can totally ignore this and scroll past this! 😊

(okay it is a lot of info about me that no one really cares about lol.) i just need to talk about this cause i have like one friend i’ve ever been super open about this stuff with, haven’t talked about any of this in therapy cause it really hasn’t been relative to the stuff i actually need to talk about so i don’t bring it up and i’m not ready to talk about it in therapy cause i know there’s some other things i need to work through first 😅 so yeah, here we go...

not to point of the obvious but, i’ve been really frustrated lately. to say i’m thirsty is an understatement 🤣 i keep thinking to myself that how i’m feeling right now is more than just touch starvation or just craving physical contact. like i am craving physical contact but it’s more so physical affection that just contact. i’m honestly so embarrassed to even admit that. i have no problem being honest and open about still being a virgin. but admitting that i’m now craving that kind of contact and affection when for so long it hasn’t bothered me, makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. like i’ve been able to make it to 26 and just get lonely and wish i was in a relationship and having a physical relationship with my partner would be a nice bonus lol. but i’ve always been able to push through it cause it was more so just about the emotional and i could rationalize my way out of those thoughts and my depression when that bothers me. but now it’s like because i’ve been craving physical relationship, i can’t rationalize my way out of it. i want someone to hold me, to love me, to appreciate my body and make me feel beautiful. i know how to do that on my own and have gotten not only used to it but kinda good at making myself feel truly beautiful. i mean lately i’ve been fixating on my flaws and physical imperfections, but i think that’s cause it’s tied to wanting all of this and not feeling good enough because of how i look and... oh i can’t describe it. 😣 this is going to sound like i’m very full of myself and i promise i’m not trying to! i’ve just done a lot of work in therapy the past two years to get to this point and i’m finally at a place where i’m not ashamed to admit this. i know someone will find me attractive. not just physically, but they’ll be attracted to my heart, my soul, who i am as the emotional mess that i am at times 😅 i know i try my hardest to be a good person. i know i have a big and caring heart and that i’m very passionate. i know i’m a bit too understanding at times and that’s Led to me letting people walk all over me but i’m working on that. and i know that someone will be attracted to all of those wonder and all the not so wonderful qualities (not just cause i think some of my qualities aren’t wonderful, i’m being objective and realistic. i know i have a lot of flaws mentally and emotionally.), i just want to have more than an emotional relationship with someone.

and you know what (at least to me anyway) is more pathetic, i can’t even say i’ve dated people and they’ve understood me still being a virgin so yeah, it would make sense that i would now want a physical relationship as well. i haven’t ever dated anyone as an adult. i was almost on a relationship with this girl last year but there were a lot of things complicating it besides covid. she just had a lot of stuff going on and while i was very understanding, we both got to a point where we knew that things wouldn’t probably ever go further than just being friends. not cause we weren’t attracted to each other, cause we totally were! there was just a lot that put up some red flags and made it very obvious to both of us that we should just stay friends. anyway... saying i had an almost girlfriend doesn’t help anything lol. if anything it makes me feel worse. i couldn’t even get into an actual relationship with someone who is also demisexual and is actually attracted to me emotionally and physically, actually likes me back and who i really liked too (yeah, i’m that person that likes someone and my crush doesn’t usually like me back. always so much fun. especially being plus size cause you definitely don’t get a little bit of a complex worrying that that’s a big reason as to why they’re not attracted to you 🙃😅 or people i’m not attracted to will tell me they like me and i don’t feel the same way so it makes me feel like i’m just a picky asshat. i know that’s not the case and it’s not as simple as that. just getting those thoughts out really quick) like to me that’s super pathetic. i had the opportunity to and couldn’t make it work.

and what’s even more frustrating is that being demisexual makes dating or wanting to date really hard. not only do i not like the idea of going on dates with someone i hardly know, it’s not just about the physical attraction first for me. that emotional connection is so important to me. but i can’t get that if i’m not putting myself out there. and i’m not putting myself out there cause while the one dating app i actually went on helped me find the girl i almost dated, the whole process of going through all of that and how awkward it can be just doesn’t feel right and i have a hard time wanting to go back to it. but again, if i’m not putting myself out there i guess i can’t really complain about wanting physical affection. now can i? 🙃 basically, being by myself and taking care of certain needs for myself and by myself isn’t just want i want anymore. (i mean that’s literally the only experience i have lol but i’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that. there’s nothing wrong with making yourself feel good, knowing what you like, being able to take care of it yourself and there’s nothing wrong with admitting it 😊). but yeah... this is just more than being a bit lonely mentally and emotionally... and i’m just frustrated 😅 also, robert sheehan isn’t helping how i’m feeling at all cause ugh that man is gorgeous and he’s such an adorable idiot and i just wanna either be his friend (i could move past wanting more with him cause there would be at least in my mind, a 99.9% chance that he wouldn’t find my physically attractive) or date him and the chances of that happening are so damn slim! if he could just not be so funny, handsome, smart, sweet and perfect, this wouldn’t be an issue 😂💙 anyway... that’s it. i just... yeah... i’m trying not to let that get to me but as we can all clearly see, i’m not really doing a great job at it. 😂🤦‍♀️ sorry this is all spaced out super weird. i clearly had too much i wanted to say and didn’t think this through before typing all of this out on here. also, sorry for spelling and grammar errors. and i’m so sorry i wrote so much 😣 hopefully no one will judge me too much for getting all of this out on here 😓

[chopstickchild]

ok i need to rant for a bit (read at your own risk)

also tw for body image issues

for a bit of background, i do ballet, and im pretty damn serious about it. as in its the centre of my life and i plan to make a career of it.

well my mom is rly supportive about this, but sometimes she gets to be a bit too much. as in extremely insensitive about how her « helping me » makes me feel. the subject of obsession tends to be something important, or some milestone, such as a performance, competition, or audition. in this case it’s two audition videos: one for a prestigious international competition (which could change my life if i got in), and the other video is an audition video for my dream school (and again, life changing if i get in).

These two videos are EXTREMELY important, and we wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, but the focus on perfectionism is where the problem lies. i’ve gotten better about not dragging myself down over every single detail, but my mom on the hand has not. she doesn’t obsess over my dancing (i do that enough already) but over details like lighting, camera angle, the line my leotard makes, my shoe color, my bun angle, the amount of makeup, the video quality, etc. she has a really good eye for those sort of things since she used to be an artist (and majored in fine art), and if she was the one filming my videos there would be no problem there.

But evidently there is a problem (which is why i’m writing this all out cause istg if i don’t i WILL lose it). Actually there’s two, one per video, though the second problem has nothing much to do with everything mentioned before.

The first issue is something that’s been haunting me for two weeks, and not in the good halloween haunting way. The video for the competition was filmed over the course of a few weeks by one of my teachers, and she and my mom have an *interesting* relationship. as in ive learned to brush off my mom cussing her out in car rides or at home (which happened today twice lol). My teacher wouldn’t allow my mom to be in the studio to help with lighting, camera angle, etc., saying that the studio wouldn’t allow more than two people in at a time (a lie, cause when we went with my contemporary teacher for one section of the video my mom was able to go in and film that portion). My teacher is a really well intention person by the way, but since my mom is so similar to how her mom was, being in her prescence triggers her which i think may be why she tried to make it so she wouldn’t have to interact with her as much.

So anyways my teacher and i worked on the audition video and we finally completed it, but the way she filmed it was not up to my moms standards. so we filmed it again. and right now it’s STILL not up to my mom’s standards, but at this point there’s literally nothing we can do. the deadline is in a few days and there’s no way we can refilm it then. in terms of my dancing, i feel pretty satisfied, though it’s not perfect, but i feel ok sending it in. but for thé past few weeks i’ve been constantly hearing how the video isn’t good enough, and how it doesn’t present me well enough, and if my mom could just have filmed the barre and centre i would look so much better. and that if i really want to catch the judges eyes then the video quality would need to be better. and i argue back at that point, saying my dancing should be enough to do that, and that i’m not auditoning for a film school but for a DANCE competition. and i know my mom has a point. we are drawn to things well presented, even if the content may not be the best. but after hearing that my video is not up to par for WEEKS it hurts a lot. and if i ask her to stop focusing so much on that because at this point all that is doing is making us feel unsatisfied with something unchangable, i’m ignored and she goes on saying i don’t understand her point. I’m also told that she’s saying all this because she cares so much and wants me to succeed. and that is all true, but i don’t CARE that she’s saying all this because she wants to help me with my goal. there are so many more productive things to do than fixating on unchangable shit, and there’s a voice inside telling me that if she really cared about me, the real actual me and not the dancer side of me, she would take a moment to understand how much certain things she says hurts. no matter the intentions behind, no matter that she always adds that my dancing wasn’t the problem and that it was all my teachers fault (which also pokes me in a different way), i ALWAYS leave that conversation with an extremely tight knot in my chest and a bunch of self doubt. sometimes when the convo evolves into an argument, my mom tells me that it’s cause she’s stressed about this and the video and because she cares so much, but i’ve reached the point where i don’t give a fuck. i’m stressed too, and i care a TON. i sacrificed so fucking much for this (not to say she hasn’t like good lord i worry so much about her sometimes) but being stressed and caring about something does not excuse harping on about something someone has EXPLICITLY told you to please stop going on a bout and try to let go of. multiple times. which is why i really want to scream sometimes, and why i decided to just let it out here. (it’s worked by the way. as of right now the knot inside has loosened and the negative energy about this problem has almost dissolved, which why i’m now moving on to the second issue)

ISSUE NO. 2- thé audition video for my dream school. now this is a different direction than the other video problem because this video hasn’t been filmed yet. so i should start out with saying that as a by product of doing ballet, i have body image issues. it got worse over the course of the past year because i put on a few pounds. and i know that honestly, i shouldn’t worry too much, but doing an art form where your body is constantly critiques in so many ways kinda has a way of making you always wish it was better. now my mom knows about how i feel about my body, and in the past she has completely invalidated my feelings if i try to talk about it (because in her eyes i’m perfect yaddayaddayadda and i’m just manifesting these insecurities out of nowhere cause i have nothing to be worried about). the thing is tho (and i’m pretty thankful for this) is that she will tell me if i’ve gained weight, and she will help me if i want to lose some and stuff. so it’s like she has this weird mix of telling me to not worry about my weight cause i’m perfectly fine, but also telling me that i need to watch what i eat more and that i need to lose a little weight. and i hate it so much. recently i just stopped weighing myself every morning cause i realized i was literally basing how i felt the whole day off the number on the scale. and honestly i’m so much happier now cause i stopped. everything is the same except that one thing, and i have no intention to start obsessively weighing myself again.

And that brings me to issue two. because we were talking about the video for the school, and my mom said “you need to start weighing yourself every morning again”. well i saw every single color of the rainbow when she said that, and i was enraged. because my instinct was to be angry in order to protect one of my biggest insecurities, my body. the implications that came from telling me i needed to start weighing myself more HURT, and thinking about it right now is making me almost cry. and her saying that also pissed me off SO MUCH. because my mom KNOWS how i feel about my body, about my weight, and my eating habits. i have explicitly stated MANY time that i would prefer if she would not make those little comments about those subjects, and i have let her know how much it hurts me. i don’t think she understood that though, despite the amount of times i’ve completely shut down or started crying. but that one comment is hanging over my head right now, acting as a smoke cloud twisting around my heart and making me have some rlly self deprecating thoughts. and so tomorrow morning if she asks me what my weight is i don’t know what i’ll do. i’m considering just saying something above what ik she wants it to be, no matter what i may actually be, but i’ve also considered just tossing the scale in the rubbish bin. actually won’t do that though cause i would get in a ton of trouble lol. but a problem is that as a result of her comment, i’ve also begun considering starving myself, of making myself throw up, and other unhealthy ways to lose weight because right now, i feel like my body is too fat filled, too squishy for ballet. which is bullshit but the negative voice is drowning the positive one out now.

ok i have gotten all the rant energy out now, and no longer feel like punching a wall, cry screaming, cussing out the next person i see, or any assortment of high negative energy release techniques that would hurt others or myself. if you read this far, props to you cause i sure as hell would not have been able to make it thru that 😂.

also i should add that my mom and i are SUPER close and she honestly a great person in every aspect except certain dance related stuff. i really really appreciate everything she has done for me, all her sacrifices and all the effort she has put in to make sure i am where i am now. it’s just sometimes i feel like she forgets that i’m a person with feelings about topics, not just a dancer. thank you for coming to my tedtalk 😌

[atelier-dayz]

Hello, Anon! (I put this as a separate text post because I needed the “read more” which doesn’t work for asks.)

So I’m not exactly the best person to ask for meta because my knowledge of Star Wars is relatively small compared to some people’s, but I can give it a shot?? Or at least a starting point of discussion coming from my opinion. (If you’re interested, jedi-order-apologist posted two good meta related to Qui-gon a while back here and here for better reads LOL)

I try very, very hard to not have a critical view of him. I really really do. I want to love Qui-gon. I do. When I first saw TPM, I thought he was cool. I’m still sad he died. But then one thing or another comes up and just *sigh* So here are the points about him that do make me critical about him? (There’s a TL;DR at the end if you find it too long.)

***Disclaimer: these are solely my opinions here. I am not the most knowledgeable in Star Wars by far. I base these solely off my experience and understanding of the movies, books, etc. Your mileage may vary***

First off, I should point out we don’t have much canon material of him to work off of. There’s The Phantom Menace and the book Master & Apprentice -- as well as some appearances in The Clone Wars I believe? I haven’t watched TCW yet. 

There’s also the Star Wars - Age of Republic: Heroes - Qui-gon comic, but it doesn’t reveal too much about his character, at least to me, other than showing him questioning the role and path of the Jedi and finding that balance is the key. *shrugs*

Anyways, from The Phantom Menace, we are made to understand that he’s the type of person to push the envelope, who apparently goes against the Council enough for Obi-wan to bring it up. We don’t get details on how he does it those times, only Obi-wan saying “[The Council] will not go along with you this time.” Which implies he has successfully argued his way before (or possibly gone his own way and asked for permission after?).

Being a rebel is not a bad thing. A lot of our media is all about being the rebel, going against the grain, and etc. However, some people in the fandom take that to mean it’s the only correct answer, and use that as an argument that the Jedi were awful people, who needed reform and didn’t deserve to live otherwise, and etc. But clearly, Qui-gon doesn’t disagree with the Jedi to the extent that he would leave them. He’s clearly still a Jedi and believes in the Jedi philosophy.

Qui-gon is a big follower of the Living Force, of focusing on the “here and now,” as he tells Obi-wan in the beginning of the movie. He’s squarely about the present and taking things as they come. -- And yet, he’s also remarkably fixated on the prophecy, which is very much not a matter of the present in my opinion. He is very insistent on Anakin being the Chosen One and therefore should be trained as a Jedi -- to the point where he say “I will do what I must.” So basically, it’s his way or the highway. He will take no other interpretation, even if there’s no concrete evidence that Anakin is the Chosen One.

My impression of him is that he will follow the way that he believes is correct or believes that the Force tells him is correct, and will leave no room for anything else. The casualty of this in TPM: Obi-wan. When Obi-wan warns him the Council won’t agree with him, Qui-gon tells him, “You still have much to learn, my young apprentice.” Fast-forward to later that SAME DAY, when he discovers the Council will not take on Anakin (based reasonably enough on the results of their testing and long-standing rules), he tries to claim Anakin as his padawan when Obi-wan, his actual padawan, is standing right there next to him. When the Council reminds him he has a padawan already, he pushes for Obi-wan’s Trials, and says, “He’s headstrong, and he has much to learn about the living Force, but he is capable. There is little more he will learn from me.” Obi-wan’s Trials was never something brought up before, from what I understand. He basically said hours before that Obi-wan wasn’t ready, and now he’s saying he is. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to hurt Obi-wan in this situation. He’s doing what he thinks he has to in order to have Anakin part of the Order. But it’s NOT COOL to throw away your existing apprentice at the expense of it. 

This whole fiasco of a scene is what has me very mad at Qui-gon a lot of times. Overall, it’s not a flattering view of him. As I like to say, his intentions are good, his execution is very very poor.

(He and Obi-wan later make up, but I for one am still upset at him on Obi’s behalf. Especially when Qui-gon’s final words later on is to train Anakin. That’s it. Doing what he must to make sure Anakin is trained. And Obi-wan will of course honor that request, which is a giant undertaking I personally believe he shouldn’t have been burdened with, having just lost his master and just become a new knight through combat. No one in his position would have been ready for that.)

(Addition: he also never mentions to the Council or even Obi-wan from the looks of it that Anakin was a slave. This, I honestly think, is critical information that should have been expressed. For whatever reasons, he did not mention it.)   

I can’t speak about his characterization in Master & Apprentice, because I haven’t read that book yet. (It’s on my shelf, I’ll get to it eventually!) I have been warned and heard that he is quite a frustrating character in it that makes you want to throw the book and go “DAMMIT QUI-GON.” So take that as you will.

All of this is just taking account of canon. If you take into account EU/Legends content, oh boy, is that even less flattering. Get ready Anon. I present to you, Jedi Apprentice. Otherwise known as “The reasons why Obi-wan has needed a nap and hugs since he was twelve.”)

So in Legends, there’s an age-cut off for becoming a padawan at 13. Obi-wan’s last chance at becoming a padawan was with Qui-gon as his master. Due to the trauma of his second padawan Falling, Qui-gon renounced his first padawan, who was already a Knight at this point, and had since refused any other padawans. (It is implied that he has crushed the dreams of many children, yes.) So Qui-gon summarily said no to Obi-wan. And due to a fight and wrongful accusations by a rival/bully, Obi-wan gets sent off early to Agricorps on Bandomeer (a whole mess of thing in itself, but I digress). Anyways, coincidentally, Qui-gon is also on the same ship to Bandomeer on a mission. After...a wild ride (and Qui-gon taking the time to shoot down Obi-wan’s hopes of becoming a Knight a second time) and multiple events (including Obi-wan ending up as a mining slave), Qui-gon waffles a bit about possibly taking Obi-wan as his padawan, and then there’s a whole confrontation involving Qui-gon’s Fallen former padawan that ends with Qui-gon officially taking Obi-wan as his apprentice after Obi-wan offers to blow himself up to help Qui-gon escape and save the miners. --- This naturally makes the Council scene in TPM even worse.

Fast-forward to Obi-wan’s second official mission with Qui-gon, they end up in the wartorn Melida/Daan, where they were to retrieve the injured Master Tahl (Qui-gon’s love interest). (Yes, his second mission. I’m not counting Phindar because that was a very unfortunate detour that turned into a mission. They went Bandomeer --> Phindar --> Gala --> Melida/Daan. No time skips that I picked up. Their ship to Melida/Daan was offered to them by Gala’s Queen.) Obi-wan felt that they needed to do more, that they needed to help the youth on the planet stop the fighting and achieve peace. Qui-gon wants to bring Tahl back to the Temple at once, and basically gives him an ultimatum...and then leaves his 13 year old barely new apprentice WITHOUT A LIGHTSABER in an ACTIVE WARZONE where the combatants have shown NO qualms in killing children OR Jedi. Qui-gon goes back -- eventually -- after Obi-wan messages for help, and after several events, takes Obi-wan back as his padawan. 

The other big strike against Qui-gon would again involve Master Tahl, in which after she is killed, he mourns her to the point of absolutely neglecting Obi-wan. I haven’t re-read that part yet, but yeah, that happened in the EU. 

So basically, in Jedi Apprentice, you get a good number of scenes where Qui-gon clearly cares for Obi-wan, is fond of him, etc. There are ways in which they connect with each other very well, and their thoughts reflect each other’s, which points to how they are in fact a good match as master and apprentice and is lovely to see. But he is also at times very uncommunicative and neglectful and...not a very good Master or someone that should be responsible for children by the looks of it. (All of which is probably rooted back to the trauma of his Fallen padawan.)

The whole caveat of all this is that these are all not canon now. These were also obviously books meant for kids, so when reading them as an adult, things become very very unflattering and there’s some hand-waving and logic that just makes you go UMM? 

The short of it: my main issues with Qui-gon are 1) in canon, throwing Obi-wan under the bus in that Council scene, 2) in EU, being at times a neglectful Master who shouldn’t have been responsible for children, and 3) unrelated to canon or EU but becoming more and more a big part of my negative feelings towards Qui-gon, the way certain parts of fandom choose to prop Qui-gon up on a pedestal as the One Good Jedi who knew better than the rest of the Jedi, and they build him up by wrongfully tearing down other characters.

[lilredgummie]

BOTW RANT-ISH INCOMING

Okay okay..since the botw 2 sequel trailer, I’ve been thinking of something..

Nintendo, for breath of the wild, decided to give a reason behind Link’s silence for the first time. (Correct me if I’m wrong) saying that he felt the weight of hyrule on his shoulders and felt like he couldn’t put his say in anything and bear the huge responsibilities if I’m remembering correctly.

So we see why the hero is mostly blank and silent in the flashbacks with Zelda and the Champions.

But yet..they continued this blank slate even through the cutscenes that took place in present time. I know that Nintendo said that they really wanted to emphasize the “a link to the players” shit more so than ever this time around.

But in my opinion..I feel like if that was going to be the case..then maybe they shouldn’t of acknowledged Link’s silence and actually given it a reason.

They said before that his memory loss indeed did affect his personality afterwards. (I believe this was in the master works) that he was back to being more expressive and talkative since now no one knows he’s here or something of that sort.

Though..we still see him being silent in the present day cutscenes anyways? Again, I know that Nintendo was just really focused on him being a blank slate for the player but..that’s why I’m saying they shouldn’t of told us why he became silent, and shouldn’t of told us that he wasn’t completely that way anymore after the memory loss..cause then it makes you wonder why he looked blanked with Tiba or Sidon, etc. (I’m talking cutscenes, not small things like him happily cooking or smiling and waving hello to people. It’s just so much inconsistency.)

They shouldn’t of drawn attention to his silence.

Do I think the “knight who became silent because of all of eyes on him” is a good plot? Yeah I do, I actually really like that. I like knowing he was able to open up and trust Zelda too. But it just frustrates me to know that they kept that going in the present day cutscenes when that’s now incorrect with the information that Nintendo themselves gave us. They shouldn’t of even said anything, lol.

So what am I getting to when it comes to the sequel?

Well..Nintendo likes to keep things up to the player, right? Even when it comes to love interests in the Zelda games.

Though in my opinion, I feel like they do obviously favor zelink. Giving them more content from other options. Of course there are going to be people out there that will disagree and always deny it and hey..that’s completely fine. You do you. Have fun.

But I’m not just saying this because I am a zelink shipper..I’m saying this because I personally like to follow ships that get the most obvious attention. So I pay attention to what truly is written there and shown to me in front of my eyes. So I will see and admit to when Link and Zelda are not given attention, and I will see when they definitely are given more attention.

Breath of the Wild definitely being one of them that definitely does favor giving them more attention. The content they are given is too much for me to even list here. There are already great posts out there to do that for you.

Now I know all of this so far sounds like rambling and admittedly it probably is..but I mention this to let you know that even though I do feel like link and Zelda are more favored in this game then in some others, that I don’t expect Nintendo to actually confirm anything. No, of course not. I don’t think they ever will. They still want to paint it as “player’s choice” after all.

But what do we know so far?

Link opened up to Zelda, his true personality came back after his memory loss (in my opinion at least it was his true personality before making himself a rock) that Zelda has something to tell Link when she sees him again, and that Link knows about the princess’ crush on him.

Now..there are some problems with some of those that may seem obvious.

What I’m worried about with the sequel is what Nintendo’s cowardly choices will be.

Since they’re so fixated on “YOU CHOOSE YOUR ROUTE” I feel like they’ll still keep what you ended on in the first game, vague.

It would mean no progress in the things that you discovered in the first game.

Does this link remember Zelda and all of his friends like you worked hard to do? Or is this link the link that rushed into hyrule castle immediately and clapped Ganon’s ass cheeks and didnt regain his memories?

I know in the end, it’s still up to your imagination and you just go with your own headcanon. And yeah, that’s fine..I understand the freedom in that and all.

But I’m personally someone who likes to have things shown to my face and confirmed. I personally have more fun in that. So if the second option is the route they will be taking then..yeah of course I’ll live. Of course it’ll all still be fun. I just wish Nintendo would do a change with Link for once. They were starting to..especially with SS Link but..yah know.

And the “Link knowing Zelda’s crush” thing I understand you can only have Link discover that if you finish Kass’ quests. I understand if that one isn’t as important for Nintendo to focus on in..some ways. But I thought I’d mention it anyways.

So I feel like because of all of that..because Nintendo will still want it to be “it’s whatever you choose” that they won’t address things in a satisfying way. They won’t show the link that opened up to Zelda. They probably won’t make Zelda try to make things happen between her and Link because I feel like they still don’t always want to show confirmation between ships. (Also they will be too busy with GANON..so of course you know that could be a reason too lolol)

Again it’s not about “I’m a zelink shipper and I want to see them finally happen!” It’s more about..okay Nintendo, you are the ones drawing attention to certain aspects in the story and character’s romantic insterests for once and if you’re not going to progress and expand upon that then like..what are you doing lol..

I just..after Nintendo themselves saying that his personality does change after the memory loss..I don’t want to see him being blank again in present day. Nothing progressing..nothing being talked about between characters. Not after all of the attention they brought to his backstory and even Zelda’s feelings.

But I know that’s probably going to happen.

But hey! Maybe I’ll be proved wrong.

Of course this is all super earlier thoughts and worries since we don’t know shit about the new game, haha. I’m just spitting out what comes to mind.

And I know it’ll be more about the deep story Nintendo is wanting to show which, awesome! I’m excited! More excited for that to be honest.

Again, I don’t mean to repeat my self here and you probably won’t believe me from how much I’ve said this now, but this truly isn’t about me being a zelink shipper.

It’s literally..

Nintendo.. if 👏you👏are👏going👏to👏actually👏draw👏attention👏to👏why👏Link👏is👏silent👏and👏actually👏confirm👏that👏a👏zelda👏legit👏told👏someone👏that👏she👏has👏eyes👏for👏her👏knight👏then👏dont👏dodge👏the👏shit👏you👏put👏on👏the👏table👏yourself👏and👏not👏address👏your👏shit👏and keep👏link👏being👏a blank👏slate👏when👏it👏no👏longer👏makes👏sense👏then👏what👏the fuck👏writing👏are👏you doing👏

....

This👏is👏no👏longer👏the👏past👏link👏But is👏now👏the👏link👏you👏said👏has👏changed👏👏👏

Again, this stuff probably ain’t even a second thought to other people..I’m not saying this is the most important shit in the world to me..this is just something that I thought about and decided to let out cause I just can haha

Sorry that this is so unnessarily long.

I can lose focus and wind up not even getting to my point or not making my point clear..so..like..I’m sorry, lol. I probably explained myself horribly.

[youngneemleaves]

“There’s no need to play the reluctant ingénue with me.” - Killing Eve episodes 2.01 and 2.02 in retrospect

Based on a discussion with @onaperduamedee​ that drove us both slightly crazy, LOL

Espionage stories are inherently all about fixed spaces and boundaries - nations and borders, centres and their entry and exit points - all very clearly defined systems operating on a specific language. Agents - rogues, spies, carriers of information, currency, weaponry - serve as the connective tissue in this framework. It’s a far, far more chaotic intersection of worlds than most agencies would have anyone believe, and being in control and in power is the best and most crucial spectacle that one can manage. 

How does this work with women, who have, traditionally, never been considered a part of essential frameworks, be it morality or politics?

I don’t pretend to know the ways of the world.

A means to an end seems a way.

Whoever’s got the most of whatever’s best - 

All the better,

May the best man win.

This song has played thrice in the show till now: the first time when Villanelle climbs the pipes into a countryside mansion in Italy to murder a mafia lord in an extraordinary display of physical vitality and witchy absurdity. The second time, when Eve defies Carolyn’s instructions to travel to Paris to meet Villanelle, helped along by an unwitting Elena - who hasn’t even been taken on the trip to Russia and simply wants to join Eve the same way Eve had once wanted to join in the thrill of a spy’s life. The third time, it’s Eve uttering her name to open the gates of her new office, entering as a professional, where she’ll be working in an enhanced capacity to apprehend secret female assassins.

It takes the bewildered confession to an absent Carolyn for Eve to realise just how horribly awry her attempts to game the rules of the intelligence mission in her favour - her single-minded goal to find Villanelle - have gone. Villanelle comes to much the same conclusion when her new handler releases his choke-hold on her - her ability to rewrite the plot to the end that she becomes its irreplaceable protagonist, shielded by Konstantin till now, has gone up in smoke. The world is suddenly far less tolerant of Villanelle’s desires, and she’s no longer in a position to just not care about the system’s insensitivity. Both Eve and Villanelle have become trapped in a snarl of their own making, where their own wishes have been revealed to be incompatible with the systems they are a part of. The System is determined to show the two women their place - in the margins, in the streets, where they are servers, workers, pawns, carrying out the will of the state.

And they feel the same pressure; the bosses and handlers in this equation aren’t gone. Carolyn is just as ruthless as Raymond, only she doesn’t resort to physical violence to compel Eve to remain with the MI6, and she isn’t a mere handler. Like Flo said, Carolyn has reevaluated Eve on her return from Paris, and she sees her in a new light now - as an asset. And, I would add, as someone who knows, and figures out, a lot more than Carolyn can always control. The only way to keep a tab on the unfiltered information that leaks out is to keep a hand on Eve’s shoulder.

With the new turn of events (series 2), Carolyn’s attitude towards Eve seems to have changed accordingly. Her body language is slightly different, somewhat more showy. She’s less deadpan and professional as she’d been earlier, and a process that began with Carolyn and Eve spending time together as part of the mission and together in the hotel in Moscow has developed into Carolyn having become used to Eve’s admiration to the point of consciously expecting it. In the scene at the end of episode 2.02, where Konstantin is revealed to be alive and currently reading a book in Carolyn’s drawing room, Carolyn smiles while scrutinising Eve’s reaction to the reveal. It’s a very confident smile, demanding a response from Eve, certain that she’d be impressed. And Eve is impressed. Carolyn expects Eve to be frightened, perhaps, intrigued, or even paranoid. She admires Eve’s roguish tendencies although they frustrate her quite often, and she likes Eve’s appreciation of a mystery, and of women who can keep them. Part of Carolyn’s control over this brilliant, emotional woman is to amplify the image Carolyn shows everyone else - as a mastermind who can do incredible things, things for Eve (linking her her moisturiser of choice, arranging a witness protection scheme for her, even a new name), things to Eve (bringing back people from the dead to keep an eye on her as well as protect her, throwing her into Villanelle’s path to be devoured as a matter of course), anything to anyone. The bigger difference here is that Carolyn, probably for the first time, is bringing Eve closer to understanding how it works.

Eve: What am I doing here, Carolyn? Going through the charade of solving your test.

Carolyn: Well, you’re proving yourself useful.

Eve: No. What’s going on? With Konstantin and Moscow, and what were you doing, talking to Villanelle in that prison? I mean, who do you even work for? Are you part of the Twelve?

Carolyn: What really happened in Paris? Why was Nadia’s note addressed particularly to you, and why are you and Villanelle so interested in each other? You see how it works?

If that necessitates revealing sensitive information to Eve in carefully considered pieces - Kenny being Carolyn’s son, Carolyn playing a part in keeping Konstantin alive - so be it. Revealing information, as Flo said, would be a test of Eve’s ability to use it, and to gauge her behaviour.

Flo, as usual, was bang on target when she said in the tags that Carolyn shouldn’t be surprised about Eve’s obsession with Villanelle; Carolyn might be just as obsessed with Eve. Eve isn’t alone in her descent into the abyss, as Bill had called it so long ago. They’re all on their way down. Eve’s particular obsessions are very much a product of the “normal” relationships in her life, their high points and their lows. It’s just that Eve doesn’t always bother to hide her desire, which, like Villanelle’s and perhaps Carolyn’s too, completely diverges from the limited spectrum allotted to women by the traditionally androcentric medical, psychological, and philosophical institutions. They literally are deranged. But Eve’s very real penchant for violence and politics is born out of her own hard work and her own psycho-spiritual crises and epiphanies.

Although she still underestimates herself, I think Eve does understand the power dynamics she's become a part of with Villanelle, Konstantin, Kenny, and Carolyn. She's taking her time to process everything because, in spite of the trap she’s found herself in after the encounter in Paris, her new position suits her. The power she has now becomes her. And she's honestly loving the fact that she's an important part of investigations without being encumbered by too many rules because she's still on the edges of The System. Eve’s status as an outside expert, a rogue agent, is her greatest weapon as well as her Achilles heel. It’s impossible for her to just “go home” now; her locus has shifted. She’d thrown away home for the sake of the world outside, The System beyond the home, and now she’s adrift. She can’t pretend anymore.

Villanelle: I know her better now. I know her better than anyone. Better than she knows herself. 

Eve: You think he was murdered. You think he was.

Carolyn: Yes, so I thought I’d draft in the head of the fan club.

(Also, that last bit is hilarious. You can tell the head writer is a woman.)

An eye for an eye

Is a blind man’s rule.

I wasn’t going to follow.

I’m nobody’s fool.

So now, Eve is the one - like Villanelle in ep. 1.01 - entering and exiting government intelligence offices, palaces and parliaments of knowledge and power, who must be given protection against assassins, who’s not entirely comfortable in her marriage, who’s surrounded by people - powerful people - who want her input on Important Stuff. Eve is now the princess in the castle, and Villanelle must now play the part of the hero from the more mainstream romances, the errant knight reinterpreted, who must remain herself and journey across foreign lands and endure a Whole Lot Of Crap to reunite with the princess. The gender dynamics have been subverted and plugged to industrial-strength batteries to set the screen and our minds on fire. As Flo pointed out, Eve is at the centre of others’ attention, especially the admiration of both the government intelligence officer and the enemy assassin, the two big polarities of a spy story, but the optics is different because this triangle has nothing to do with the male gaze and the male fixation with the heroine. On the other hand, in the final scene of ep. 2.02, Konstantin sits on the sofa as simultaneously the most and the least important person in the room - the ace in the hole with some tricks of his own still left, but in the end a subject in a plot engineered by women, where the main tension is between two women negotiating the balance of power between themselves. For perhaps the first time in fiction that traditionally operates on strict gender roles, a man serves as currency here, a floating element used to reinforce the relationship between women.

Talking of home and the gender dynamics here, something in Carolyn and Eve’s exchange sticks out: 

Eve: I need to go home.

Carolyn: Home? Is that really what you want? I mean, what do people do at home?

It’s the first time this season that Carolyn’s anger shows for just a second before she reins it in. But compare that with the exchange in Annihilation (2018): 

Ventress: We need to come to an agreement about what to do with you.

Lena: You’re not going to let me go home?

Ventress: Is that what you want? To go home?

And then with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000): 

Jade Fox: [to Jen] What good is a home? You’ve gone so far. Now we can go all the way together.

Home is an extremely fraught topic here. Just gonna quote Flo here: “This show is a dream come true when it comes to so many female narratives. We never talk about home to male characters unless as something to leave behind to live an adventurous life.” But the dynamic is so different here where the heroine and her mentor/boss are both women, and they understand on a level where the other woman is coming from. The mentors don’t want the heroine to decline the call to adventure. Carolyn certainly doesn’t want to lose Eve; she’s too powerful, too clever, too useful. Carolyn had herself given up her life and her son’s to her career long ago, to the point that her relationship with Kenny now is inextricable from her political machinations. But the female mentor here also manipulates the heroine but ever so lovingly; defining the paths they will both tread on while assuring the heroine that its all going to be okay - no, that this is the best way. It’s more subtle, but in principle, it’s not very different from Villanelle approaching Nadia in her prison cell tenderly and mockingly, and then killing Gabriel in the hospital. Villanelle here classically serves as the monster whose shocking actions mirror the twisted relationships in Eve’s world. 

So just how fundamentally Eve, Villanelle, and Carolyn have already rewired The System in their favour, although it is still innately hostile to them (Villanelle is now being used brutally by the Twelve, and Eve and Carolyn are both in dangerous positions), can be seen in the overall image of them as the primary trio of the show. Flo pointed out that Carolyn is almost omniscient, but Eve is the one who brings her the information truly necessary, and Eve is the one who discovered first Villanelle and now the Ghost. It’s why both Villanelle and Carolyn find Eve so fascinating, because Eve occupies such a precarious position and is so unpredictable and impactful. The Holy Trinity here, then, is Carolyn as God, Eve as the first human (incorporating aspects of Lilith here), and Villanelle as the Devil. Carolyn, said to be always twenty steps ahead of everyone else, brings Eve back into Paradise, the secret office full of resources and speculation that’s like the inside of Eve’s brain, that lets Eve run free with her pursuit of female assassins, the landscape where she can chase Villanelle. There's a wall full of maps and images trying to establish a pattern, and Carolyn's good at spotting patterns and understanding how people tick. Her whole agenda is to capture evil so that it serves her purposes, the purpose of the good. But this is so different from her previous exercises and missions - this necessitates the use of carnal knowledge that only Eve can bring. Passionate Eve, constantly toeing the line between desire and sanity, her perceptive, intuitive heart her finest treasure. Even before Villanelle has offered Eve the apple, both Villanelle and Carolyn know that here’s someone who is truly special. And now its their game to play, their mystery to stage.

[demyrie]

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult. 

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it. 

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life. 

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us. 

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there. 

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too. 

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.