#and also i identified as bi for like the majority of my life so shut the fuck up

[chantryexplosion]

ppl really can’t say shit without others crying and making it into something it’s not like when ppl complain about the amount of female tav/astarion there is in comparison to. everything else theyre literally not saying astarion isn’t into women and that he can’t date women were saying that it’s tiring only seeing skinny cis white women shipped with him like not even beefy woman ???? not even a milf ???? not even a dwarf ??? god forbid its a (gasp) trans woman ???? youre all so boring

[dorkydegeneracy]

Late Night Theory Time!

This one isn't necessarily unique, but more of a kind of interpolation of lots of stuff I've seen.

I feel pretty confident at this point that Eddie's sexuality will remain unlabeled. Which I can see would be problematic for what I presume are the majority of fans who identify as part of the LGBTQ community and would like to have that representation. And while Buck is also technically still unlabeled because he hasn't said straight up that he is bi (which I am aware also ticks people off) it's pretty clear that Evan Buckley is bisexual. He's been characterized that way, and Oliver won't shut up about it.

Anywho. . . I don't necessarily oppose Eddie remaining unlabeled because I think it would equate to him being demisexual in canon. At least that's as good as we are gonna get.

I think that what the show is headed towards is the idea that Eddie is trying to mimic that feeling (a foundational aspect of demisexuality) that he had with Shannon when, in reality, he shouldn't be. This is supported by the Kim of it all.

During Buck's confrontation with Eddie regarding his relationship with Kim, when asked about the particulars Eddie stated that he did not want him and Kim to be sexually intimate. When Buck asked "What do you want?" Eddie said "I don't know." Furthermore, during the scene where it was revealed how batshit Kim is Eddie has the beginnings of an emotional breakthrough where is states that he loved her and that he was mad about her not coming back to him (heavily paraphrasing here. You should go watch that scene back when you have a chance. With the proper context it's much less cringy.).

I do believe that he was in love with her, but I don't think that the love that he felt for Shannon was "true love." (Sorry, if it is any consolation I also just puked in my mouth a bit 🤢). Eddie has some great rose tinted glasses on, that I don't think he is ever going to get over. Which, as an Eddie Diaz Truther, the last thing I want is for him to remain bitter and sad about his relationship with Shannon. I want him to be able to look upon it fondly, but crucially, move on with his life.

Eddie was really young and Shannon was his first serious relationship. His feelings were new and all consuming. It was quintessentially "young love." But, "young love" is rarely "true love." It's not the type of soulmatism that TV writers dream of and we as viewers crave.

What we want is the kind of love that is strengthened by past experiences. Love that takes work. As a very fortuitous man once said "You don't find love. You make it."

I would imagine that this kind of love feels different. (I have literally no actual experience in this area, but if this isn't true, it at least makes for a great story!). It of course has the passion that drives young love, but also has so much more depth.

So not only is Eddie lost because he's looking for a woman. More importantly, Eddie is trying to replicate the wrong feeling. Nobody at Eddie's stage in life should be trying to replicate "young love" exactly. The love that I think most people truly want, is much deeper. It feels a little different. It's more complex.

For Eddie to be happy he has to understand all of that. And I believe this hunt for joy that he is on is going to help him get there.

[weemssapphic]

The timing of ur post on labels and identity was uncannily well timed 😭 I had a really upsetting convo with someone I consider a close friend about labels after I expressed discomfort with her choice to label herself as a “bi lesbian who is dating men” — she’s a good friend and we debate concepts a lot. But she took major issue with my discomfort which is unfortunately based on experience of being lied to! I love sapphic women! I love bi women! But it really hurts when “my” word gets undermined and my experiences feel like they no longer are visible or belong to me. And I hope I find a way to tell this friend.

I… don’t know what a bi lesbian dating a man is supposed to be… and I guess that’s part of my issue with labels? I love labels that fit and have the power to connect me with a community. I love calling myself a lesbian, because that’s what I am, and because for so long as a teenager, I cried myself to sleep because of the mere idea of potentially only liking women. Because I was so so afraid to use that word and it seemed dirty and weird. I identified as bi for a long time partly because I did have a crush on a boy and thought I was, but also because I was WAY less intimidated by that label. And now, 10 years later, I love calling myself a lesbian loudly and actively, and I love love that word and what it represents to me. I love all sapphic women, lesbian/bi/pan/etc, and we all have something that connects us but also unique experiences in life and love and sex that make us different. But it rubs me the wrong way when people twist, as you said, ‘my’ label into something it isn’t. My favorite thing about lesbianism is that it excludes men. My sexuality is the one part of my life where I get to shut men out of my experience. And it’s not the same thing as bi.

Someone’s label may change, their experience of their sexuality may change over time, that’s so normal, and sometimes not labeling can be more freeing! But co-opting labels that just… aren’t for you is really not it… I’m sorry that you’ve had to have that conversation with your friend and that she doesn’t see your point of view or understand your discomfort, I hope you can reach an understanding on it so that you don’t feel uncomfy anymore :( but I get it.

[susiephone]

Imagine thinking that wanting straight people to be accepting of gay people is a "trap" and not like, literally THE entire goal of the modern LGBT rights movement since its inception

okay. this is in response to me saying “respectability politics is a trap.” which it absolutely is.

but i’ll give you the benefit of the doubt here. let’s define respectability politics, shall we?

several people who are more well-spoken than me have talked about this. to quote this article on the subject:

Respectability politics is a school of thought that utilizes respectability narratives as the basis for enacting social, political, and legal change.

Respectability narratives are representations of marginalized individuals meant to construct an image of the marginalized group as people sharing similar traits, values, morals with the dominant group.

essentially, respectability politics is when people in a marginalized group (queer people, disabled people, people of color) wish to be accepted by the majority, and thus present themselves in a way and behave in a way that the majority deems acceptable - and pressure others in their marginalized group to do the same. for example:

“Not all bisexual people are sluts, I’m bi and I’ve been in a committed relationship for 20 years!”

“I’m gay, but I’m not one of THOSE gay guys, I hate shopping and I don’t like to flaunt my sexuality at all!”

“Lesbians aren’t really all masculine, I love makeup and having long hair.”

(I’m using examples I’ve seen in the queer community because I’m queer; I know this happens a lot in communities of color, but I am not qualified to speak on that at all.)

this stems from a desire to be accepted by the majority; for the purposes of this discussion, straight people. we hear straight people say things like “i could never date a bi person, they’re all cheaters” or “i don’t mind gay guys, don’t just shove it in my face” and “why don’t lesbians act like women if they love them?” and, in response, some people go, “i don’t act like that!! you can accept me! i fit in! i’m respectable, i’m not like those guys, they embarrass us!”

there’s also a lot of people saying, “don’t reinforce the stereotype.” as if it’s OUR fault straight people stereotype us.

so this leads to shaming within our own community:

“You’re bi and polyamorous? Wow, way to make people think we’re all two-timing whores.”

“Makeup? Jesus, we get it, you’re gay, you don’t have to make it a pride parade every time you go out.”

“You look like a teenage boy, this is why everyone lesbians aren’t real women.”

and that all boils down to:

“THIS is the example you’re setting? This is the face you show to the world? Don’t you know you’re representing us? No wonder they don’t respect us.”

and that’s the real problem: telling other queer people, “it is YOUR fault you’re not accepted, YOU aren’t acceptable, YOU reinforce these stereotypes, YOU should try and be more respectable, more normal.” and the thing is, “normal” is defined by the majority. THEY decide what is acceptable behavior for us. and guess what? 

most of the time, that boils down to, “It’s fine if you’re different... as long as you’re as close to what I deem normal as possible. As long as I can’t tell you’re different.”

in the queer community, this sort of thinking has led to the exclusion of butch lesbians, femme gay men, nonbinary people, non-passing trans people, trans people in general, people who use any pronouns besides she/her and he/him, bisexual people, ace people, aro people, pan people, polyamorous bisexual people, people who have an active sex life, sex workers, people who have changed how they identify, and countless others. these people get shoved aside by the Good Respectable Gays, who are eager to say, “We’re not like them, we’re just like you!” in order to be accepted by the mainstream. and it still doesn’t work. even the most macho, would-never-guess-it gay guy is bound to face some level of oppression or otherness at some point in his life. it doesn’t matter how much he fits in, how much he distances himself from the Unacceptable Queers; it won’t work 100% of the time. how’s that for a punchline?

there is no point in trying to file off the “unacceptable” parts of our community just to please straight people. 

if a person hates all queer people, no matter how they act or present, they’re a homophobe.

if a person doesn’t hate queer people, just the ones who shove it in your face and sleep around and won’t shut up about it and buck gender norms and use weird pronouns and expect people to learn their new name and change their identity every week... they’re still a fucking homophobe.

and why the fuck are we trying to please homophobes, again?

so when people say lil nas x is bad, actually, because he “reinforces the stereotype” of gay people going to hell and thinking a lot about sex or whatever, they’re playing right into respectability politics. why can’t he just talk about his sexuality in a normal way? why can’t he express himself in a nicer way? why does he have to use that imagery? why does he have to make straight people uncomfortable?

lis nas x is a gay black man who grew up being told he’d burn in hell for being gay. and he made an awesome song with a legendary music video saying, “fine. i’ll go to hell, just like you want, and it’ll be great. i’ll take the damn place over and make satan fall in love with me. and i’ll have a great time doing it, because i’m proud of who i am, and i won’t apologize for it or be ashamed of it anymore.”

to see that and wring your hands, worrying that a straight person will see it and decide to be homophobic about it, and pinning the blame for that on nas is missing the point.

every time we as a community make ourselves lesser or change the way we present just to be accepted by the majority, they move the goalposts, and someone else gets left behind. and the beautiful thing about the queer community is that there is a place for everyone who is left out in the cold by the straight, cis majority.

“We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” was the rallying cry for a reason. we’re different, you think we’re weird, you think we’re deviant, you don’t get us, and that’s fine, you don’t have to get us. we’re not going anywhere. get used to it.

respectability politics is a game you cannot win. so stop playing.

[sweetchup]

Bi•valve

Noun

an aquatic mollusk that has a compressed body enclosed within a hinged shell, such as oysters, clams, mussels, and scallops.

AKA

The Most Common Seashell in the Ocean

————————

Vol. 1: Just Keep Swimming // Ch. 2

Type: Poseidon x reader

Word Count: 4,000+

Masterlist

————————

Sounds of horns and shouting filled the air outside as you stood on the packed bus. Cramped in from every side, it was hard for you to tell where you were going. Not as if you were paying much attention anyways.

“Okay, you left fish and pasta in the fridge… he could use the tv or read a book for entertainment while you are gone…what about…” You ramble incoherently to yourself.

Even though the storm hit Athens hard yesterday, your studio art professor was still having classes today. Forcing you to leave Triton alone at home. You shouldn’t be nervous. There was no reason to. After all, Triton is a god, he was hundreds of years old.

But…, he was still a child. No matter how old or what type of being he is. He could still possibly injure himself or get into trouble. And that single fact alone made you feel sick to your stomach.

“Is this how parents feel leaving their child alone for the first time…?” You groan to yourself, leaning your head forward so it hits the window in front of you.

“Now Approaching *Athens International School of Art*. I repeat, Now—“ The robotic voice announces over the intercom. At the familiar name of your college, you squeeze your way through the other patrons on the bus to make your way to the doors.

Sweet, sweet air, you think to yourself as soon as you exit the bus. It was starting to get way too cramped in there. So much so, you wondered if it was a safety hazard. Though it wasn’t as if you were one to talk, you left a little boy alone—

“Argh!” You scream out, slapping the cheeks of your face. You needed to stop thinking of Triton. He was going to be completely fine. But, what if…

“I’m getting too attached already…” You groan to yourself. It had only been a day. One singular Day. But you were already smitten by the blonde haired child. “It doesn’t help that he's absolutely adorable as well…”

“Who’s adorable?” A voice calls out from behind you, making you jump in surprise. Whipping around, you let out a sigh once you identify who it was.

“Bryce… how many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that…”

Bryce Kroger. He was studying abroad at Athens International School of Art for a year just like you except he was instead an architecture major. You met him by coincidence while taking art history so you didn’t know much about the guy, the only thing being the few stories he told you about his home country of Australia.

“Oi! It’s not my fault you're so skittish!” Bryce banters back with a huff.

“Whatever…”

“Eh? Wait, where you heading?” Bryce questions as he watches you walk away, “I thought you had Studio Art on Fridays?”

“I do. I’m heading to the library first though.” You yell back to the tall male who stayed put where he was standing. Not even bothering to follow you.

“You need to stop studying so much!”

“Shut up!”

“IT’S THE TRUTH!”

“SHUT UP!” You scream back with one final huff before storming off. So what if you studied so much. You just wanted to get good grades in the classes that counted. It’s how you got here in the first place. By working your ass off.

Unconsciously, you feel your hand twitch as you open the library door. So what if you spent hours studying. So what if you didn’t go out with friends that often. So what if you didn’t have a social life. So what—

You feel yourself pause, your expression turning sour. Lonely. That’s what you were. You were lonely. A miserable lonely girl.

“Miss!”

Startled out of your thoughts by the sudden call, you realize you were no longer standing at the front door but instead standing in front of one of the librarians. You must have unconsciously walked up to the front desk while you were lost in thought.

“A-Ah. Sorry, I was just looking for books on Leonar—“

You feel your voice trail off at the end as a book on the counter catches your eye. It wasn’t the gold detailing nor the leather texture. No. It was the simple words of “Greek Mythology: Tales of Zeus” printed neatly on the front.

“…Actually, Do you perhaps have any books about Poseidon?”

You just found something better to do with your time.

—.—.—.—.—

“Damn… this is extremely confusing…” You mumble to yourself as you glare at the pages of notes in front of you. Each book seemed to be a little bit different from the last. “Perhaps I should recap…”

Okay, so what makes sense to you is that Poseidon is the second eldest of three brothers and is the ruler of the seas. The things that don’t make sense are… practically everything else…

You weren’t sure if you wanted to cry or scream out of frustration right now.

According to the books, Poseidon has had many consorts over the years. One of them being Triton’s mother, Amphitrite…

“My mother… can be quite mean to other women. Even to some of the female servants around the palace. She believes that they are trying to seduce my father…”

…but that doesn’t match up with what Triton mentioned last night. According to him, it sounds like Amphitrite scared away any women that would even come near Poseidon. This also leads to another flaw in the mythology books. You doubted that Poseidon would be able to have an affair with any other women with Amphitrite antics, nevertheless have 10 other children with them.

“Triton also never mentioned having any other siblings…”

Letting out a groan, which you seemed to be doing a lot today, you banged your head against the table. It seems like these mythology books weren’t going to be of any help after all. Though…. you couldn’t help but wonder why the books were so off in the first place.

Lifting yourself back up from the table, you glare down at one of the book covers. It was blue, almost silvery in a way, with a giant black silhouette of Poseidon right smack dab in the middle. Or, at least, what Poseidon might look like…

“Well, my father is extremely strong and handsome. All the sea nymphs stare at him with big heart eyes half the time. Oh! B-but, father doesn’t pay any attention to them. Father is not a cheater like uncle Zeus…”

“…Is Father…? Oh. He’s alright… He’s nowhere as bad as my mother. He’s never hit me or anything. He’s just… cold. Extremely cold. He really just ignores me half the time…”

“…I do love my father…I just wished he would at least spare me a glance…you know?…Acknowledge his own son…”

“God damn jerk!” You hiss out in anger as you push the book aside. Your blood practically boiling at even the slightest thought of Triton’s father, Poseidon. He doesn’t deserve to have such a good and nice son like Triton.

However, as much as you want to curse out Poseidon more, you realized class would be starting soon and you really had to get a move on.

“Shit. I can’t afford to be late again.”

—.—.—

“Ugh. Why did the professor have to assign me this type of painter…?!” You whined to Yuri. Class had already ended by then with the professor long gone. The only people left were students that were conversing with others or trying to get a head start on their paintings.

“Well, it didn’t help that you barged into class late for the second time this week, (y/n).” Yuri explained with a sigh as she continued to set up her palette, not even sparing you a glance.

Yuri Saito, Or rather Saito Yuri, was an abroad student from Japan. She was the closest person you knew at the college as you both were similar in many ways. Especially since you were both homebodies.

“I get that but at least I showed up in the fir—“

“(Y/n)!” A voice shouts out interrupting your talk with Yuri. You turn around to see Bella Woods, a student apart of your major, approaching you. “(Y/n). You were part of your student council back in high school right?”

“Uh, Yeah. Why?” You answered hesitantly. You weren’t sure why, perhaps instincts, but you were already having a bad feeling about this situation.

“Well I need your help on something…” Bella explains, her voice trailing off at the end as she grabs something from her bag. It’s a piece of paper, a flier to be exact.

“A…A Cultural Festival?”

Bella nods her head at your words, “Yeah. The college wanted to put something on for the public to show what our art school is all about and Mrs. Yamamoto suggested this. A-Apparently, it’s something schools and colleges do back in Japan.”

“B-But how can I help? Wouldn’t it make sense for someone like Yuri to do this? Since she’s from Japan and all.”

It was the truth. You didn’t know a single thing about japanese culture festivals.

“Hey don’t drag me into this, I’m busy.” Yuri counterbacks with a glare before returning back to her painting.

“Well… you see… The school wanted to change Mrs. Yamamoto’s idea a bit since they really didn’t know anything about Japanese Cultural festivals either. So it’s like a Cultural festival, kind of not.” Bella rambled. You could tell all this information was scrambling her brain as well. “Basically, it’s like a Greek version of a Cultural festival where each major picks a Greek god and plans an event or booth around it.”

“…Okay… So it’s just like a school festival in a way?” You questioned cautiously. This was a lot for you to take in at once.

“Yes. Precisely. We are just taking inspiration from Cultural festivals.”

“Okay. Okay…” You answer as you rub the back of your neck, “I still don’t understand why you need me though?”

“Well, I kind of… kind of saw you reading the mythology books in the library today and we need more people on the planning committee…” Oh, god. It seems like everything is coming back to bite you in the ass, “…Just. Please (y/n), We need your help!”

You let out a small sigh as you watch Bella give you a pleading look, “Fine…”

“Yay—!“

“But…“ You start cutting off Bella’s cheers, “But I’m taking care of something really important right now at home so I can’t always make meetings and things like that. I can help with planning but that’s it. Okay?”

That was correct. As much as you wanted to help Bella and your department out with this festival, Triton was your top priority right now. His care and needs were above all else right now, even your own. So if this would get in the way of that then you would drop this project instantly. Instantly.

“Of course! Oh, thank you (y/n)!” Bella cheers, her body visibly relaxing now that a stress has been taken off your shoulder, “Well, I’m not sure if you're busy right now but… the committee is currently planning two classrooms down… so if you could…”

“I’ll go…” You sighed out. Damn, what’s with you lately. Less than two days ago, people hardly approached you. Now you are as busy as a bee. A person magnetic… Well, more like god magnetic as wel—

Wait, a minute. You feel yourself tense up as a thought flies into your brain. If Gods could travel and spend time on earth, could they live here as well? Just like how Triton wants to?

Shit. What if some that live here are able to identify Triton? You could be in big troub—

“(Y/n)? Are you coming?” Bella calls, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Y-yes.”

It seemed you would have to worry about that later. Not that it mattered right now, you could always just ask Triton when you got home. And even if he didn’t know the answer you would just have to be careful bringing him out of the house. Yeah… you would just do that.

“Guys, I would like to introduce you to (y/n). She’s a fine arts major just like us and knows about mythology. I think she would make a great addition to our group.” Bella introduces you as you enter the room. As you looked around the group of only 4 other people, you realized you really didn’t know anyone.

That is until everyone started to introduce themselves. You never heard of the first three—Brian, James and Kyle—but you found the last name, Marissa Samudra, quite familiar. You wonder if she was that Marissa.

Who you were talking about was Marissa, the hottest girl in school Marissa. Well, at least that’s what all the boys in your major told you. The girl in front of you at least seemed to fit the part. With white silk like skin, light green eyes and dyed coral pink hair, she truly was a sight to see.

“Okay. So shall we get started.” James suddenly spoke up, seeming to want to get the meeting started. You nodded your head in agreement before taking a seat next to Holly. As well as across from Marissa. “Well, I think we should first decide which god we should do. Culinary, Music, Visual performing arts and architecture already have chosen Aphrodite, Hades, Ares and Zeus. (Y/n)…”

You lift your head up at the call of your name.

“…as you know the most about Mythology, who do you think we should pick?”

“Well,…” You feel yourself pause, your palms growing sweaty out of nervousness. You really didn’t know that much about Greek Gods, only the class you took last year and the books you skimmed this morning. You also didn’t expect so many of the main gods to be taken already.

“…How about…”

You needed to think of someone fast. Someone that would satisfy all parties here. Someone that would bedazzle people coming to the festival.

“…Poseidon…?”

Why… Why was that what your brain had come up with? Poseidon? The very god that you were cursing out this morning. Wishing near death upon.

“Fish man?” Brian questioned, letting out a small chuckle at his own joke, “You really want to go with Fish man as our god? Isn’t there anyone better?”

“I think Poseidon is pretty…cool.” You feel a shiver go up your spine as you compliment the man. It was official, you might actually puke. “…He’s the king of the seas. It gives us a lot to work with for his character. Especially since most Fine Arts students are good at realistic elements, we could really do well on painting or using sea life.”

“True… but—“

“I think it’s a wonderful idea.”

You are shocked as you hear Marissa cut Brian off. When you first sat down, she seemed totally uninterested in the topic at hand. Caring more about her hair and nails than anything else. But now, now, she was paying attention to every little thing. You couldn’t help but wonder why. “Oh sorry. I really like the sea. It holds a special place in my heart… you know?”

Oh, that makes sense. You totally forgot Marissa’s paintings were mostly about the ocean and sea. Never drifting off to other topics.

“N-no. That’s actually pretty cool. You know what, we should totally do Posedin… or whatever the dude’s name is. He sounds really cool.” Bryan agrees as he bashfully rubs the back of his neck. Gross, could he make it any less obvious that he was smitten by her. And not in a nice way either.

You feel yourself shiver as you watch him sneak small glances down at Marissa’s chest area. Disgusting pervert…

“Well, with that decided let’s move on…”

…Great… You could already tell this was going to be a long meeting…

—.—.—.—.—

Again, for what felt like the hundredth time today, you banged your head against the wall. This time however it was against the door of your apartment.

“Seriously… a Café…?”

Yes, a Café. That’s the brilliant idea your group came up with. An under the sea type themed café.

In hindsight it didn’t sound all that bad. You could have a couple of students paint some props and decorations. Then another couple of students who know how to cook plan out the menu. Maybe even borrow some culinary students if you were lucky.

But,… there’s that.

Outnumbered three to two, the boys of your group insisted the girls that are serving customers should wear togas. Togas. They stated it was to bring in more customers but it was pretty obvious they had other intentions behind it. Especially since they didn’t even bother waiting a couple of minutes afterwards to ask if Marissa wanted to be part of the waiting staff.

“Poor girl… I feel bad for her.” You mumble to yourself as you pull out your keys, finally unlocking the door to your apartment. You wished you could just beat all those men senseless with a baseball bat. “That’s actually not a bad idea… Could I bring a wooden club and say that it's part of the character? They seem to not know that much about—“

“Miss (y/n)!” You hear shouted as something comes barreling into you. Knocking you onto the ground right as you enter your apartment. “O-oops I meant to only say (y/n)…”

Even though you got the air literally knocked out of you, you still let out a small chuckle as you reached up to run a hand through the perpetrator’s locks. Triton’s blonde locks. “It’s okay. I only told you this morning to stop referring to me so formally. It will take time for you to get used to it.”

Suddenly, you wince at a feeling of pain as you move slightly. Triton sure was strong. You, honestly, wondered if he held back some strength when he jumped at you. If so, you wondered how strong Triton was nonetheless an adult god.

Speaking of an adult god…

“Hey Triton.” The boy lifts his head up at your call, “Do any gods live on earth?”

The boy seemed to take a moment to think, “Well kind of? Not really Greek Gods though. Most of them are too proud to live with humans.”

“Oh well that’s goo— Wait, a minute! Other gods are real as well!?”

Triton nods his head furiously, “Yeah pretty much all gods. As long as it is considered as one, it exists. There’s Nordic gods…, Indian gods…, Oh! Even Buddha. I like Buddha, even though I’ve only met him once. He introduced me to salt water taffy! It’s delicious.”

“I-I see…I’ll try to get you some then. Another time.” As much as you wanted to hide your surprise you couldn’t. Learning that Greek Gods actually existed was one situation but learning that All Gods existed was a whole nother ball game. Did that mean demons existed as well?

“Hey (y/n). Could I ask you a question?” Triton asks, suddenly seeming bashful all of a sudden.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“Could I…” Triton pauses for a moment, “Could I call you…”

You leaned closer to Triton as his voice slowly got softer and softer at the end. His ears and cheeks were bright red as he waited for you to answer. However, you couldn’t answer him as you didn’t hear the last part of what he said.

“I apologize. Could you repeat what you said, Triton? I couldn’t hear the end of it.” You felt bad for asking him to repeat it as his face only seemed to get even more red when you asked.

“I-I… Could I call you… Mom?”

It was silent as his question, or rather request, fell upon your ears. You thought about it for a moment. Especially whether it was morally right for you to have him call you ‘mom’. Even if his true mother was a terrible person, she was still his mother.

Though, then again, She really didn’t act like his mother. Especially in all her hundreds of years of existence of having him. At least from what you’ve heard from Triton. She’s had plenty of chances to show her love for him and she never did.

“Of…Of course you can.”

You feel yourself smile as Triton’s face lit up. And you knew, Deep down inside, that you did the right thing. You would show this boy the love he deserved.

“Hey (Y— Mom.” You giggle at how Triton seemed to practically beam with happiness once the title left his lips.

“Yes, Triton?”

“Could we have dinner right now?”

You feel yourself jump up a little in surprise. Since you stayed later than what you usually would, due to the meeting, you didn’t have anything prepared ahead of time for dinner.

“Ah, yes. Do you think you could wait in the living room while I prepare it?”

“Of course!” Triton answers as he scrambles up off of you. As you make your way to the kitchen—which was technically in the same room as the living room—to start dinner, you find yourself drifting off into your thoughts.

You realized you really hadn’t thought this through. Taking care of Triton and all. Your apartment was small, he didn’t have his own room, he seemed to eat a lot more than a human boy his physical age and so much more.

You wouldn’t be able to buy a bigger apartment right now. Going through college and all. But you could take more shifts at work. After all, it was literally down the street. You were also good friends with the owner of the toy shop next door. You bet he would allow Triton to play with a couple of toys while you worked.

As you continue to list things you would need to take care of Triton especially if it was long term, Triton was watching cartoons on the couch.

“…Wonder cats will be right back!…”

As the show goes to commercial break, Triton feels himself let out a sigh. Television sure was awesome and all, much better than the plays and coliseum matches used to entertain gods, but he despised ads more than anything.

“Who in the world created such a malicious thing…”

Triton’s voice trails off at the end as the ad changes to another. As he stares at the screen, he feels a shiver shoot down his spine. As quickly as he could, Triton changes the channel to another before shakily dropping the television remote. A cold sheen of sweat breaks out all over his skin as he collapses back onto the couch.

To anyone else, the commercial before looked like any normal hair dye commercial seen on Tv. But not to Triton. Especially when he saw something oh so familiar.

“T-that hair color…” Triton feels himself shiver at the thought, “L-looked too much like Aunties. Mom’s…No…

…Amphitrite’s Sister.”

Author Note: Ahhh this chapter contained so much but I knew I couldn’t split it up. Especially if I was doing posting Tuesdays and Thursdays. I was worried that the time frame in between would mess my readers up. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this Chapter. I know there wasn’t a lot of Triton moments but I wanted to get the ball rolling on the plot so that things and certain characters (*cough* Poseidon *cough*) will appear soon. Well that’s it for now, see you next time :)))

Taglist: @angeli-fucking-cat @marixxhq

[astradis]

hello!! how are you? I've never submitted anything for match-ups before so excuse me if this is messy

my name is Casper and I'm 19!

I have no particular age range in mind as long as they're also an adult, and the only character I can think of that's a no is Robin bc I'm a guy

he/him pronouns and I'm bi

uhh for personality I try to be as laid back as possible and just in general approachable. very kind and caring towards people but can tend to be a bit anxious in most situations. but I'm excitable and kind of loud around people I'm comfortable around

appearance wise I have long and messy dyed red hair, glasses that I wear once in a blue moon, a couple of piercings (snake bites + septum) and wear an over abundance of stupid graphic tees. I don't have a particular style but closest would be grunge!

and for extra facts my major hobby is collecting oddities such as skulls, bugs and anything weird, I use to pin bugs and sell them for a while. I also play bass a lot but can play a handful of other instruments. I also love embroidery and sewing

that's all though!! hopefully not too much haha, thank you tho <3

it’s a little funny that he’s getting matched with so many people but we all can agree his dork self would fall in love a little too easily <3

EDDIE MUNSON

eddie thinks your piercings are probably one of the most charming things about you. he’d ask about them, and wonder how he would look with the same ones on him. sometimes he would like to touch them if you’re comfortable enough with it, it’s a little funny he’s so fascinated with them- but he hasn’t seen anyone with piercings here in hawkins. seeing them up close and personal is so freaking cool to him, but just wait until he shows up to school the next day with a septum. he’d complain to you it hurt when he did it, when in reality, it was nothing. he just wants to hear you comfort him, that’s all.

when you show him your talent for embroidery and sewing, he’s absolutely smitten. he would offer almost every single article of clothing he has to you so you could customize it for him. don’t think you’re getting this done alone, either, because he is breathing down your neck watching you work. someone teach this guy about boundaries!

eddie’s silly self would love to learn the things you do, because in his eyes, you’re one of the most talented people on this planet. second to him, of course, because guitar is his favorite thing ever. for a while… until you get together. even before that, you were the apple of his eye. eddie wouldn’t be too excited about the whole bug thing, but once you show him its really not that scary, you notice he starts to identify bugs out on the street and even go up to them to feel them and pick them up. there was a time where he saved a bee who had lost a wing, and the two of you gave it the best last hours of its life. you wanted to display it, and of course eddie was into the idea. don’t talk about the fact he’s crying over the bee, or else he’ll probably be super embarrassed and act like nothing happened!

-

“Cas, Cas look!” Eddie points at a butterfly passing you two while you sit in a field. Eddie would have never pictured himself in this type of scenario, it felt too soft for him. Then, he remembered you made him that way, and he didn’t think twice about it. “Isn’t that a… uh…”

“You can do it,” you cheered him on, encouraging him to find the name in his head. Eddie shut his eyes to think while he kept his pointing finger up, and he lit up with a smile as he opened his eyes back up.

“Red Admiral,” he snapped his fingers, and you clapped in celebration. “See? Told you I know my stuff!”

“I would never doubt you in a million years,” you smiled, resting your head on his shoulder as he continued to admire the insect circling you two. You realized this was a place you wanted to be for the rest of your life, always by his side and typing insects on the way.

[lavenderfeminist]

hey re your post about the split attraction model...i totally agree that it is kinda a flawed system. I've identified as biromantic asexual for a while but i've just discovered gender criticism/radical feminism (literally in the last week) and am now questioning my identity through that lense. i know i'm very much ATTRACTED to both men and women and would love to be in a relationship with either, but i'm just not really keen on sex as a whole (especially not with men, but could maybe see myself with women idk). idk if its right for me to claim to be bisexual when my /sexual/ preference is basically "no." but it also like....i am bi and i dont want to deny that part of me. or maybe im just altogether delusional i literally cant tell anymore lmao. i know you cant tell me what my sexuality is for me, but i was wondering if you had any insight on how to avoid the appeal of the split attraction model. if you feel this question would be better directed to a bisexual lmk. i just saw your post and it really got me thinking! thanks so much! <3

Heyo. So sorry for the late response; I always want to give a well thought-out response but this is still a tumblr blog and I’m a student. I'm definitely not qualified to make a judgement call on your sexuality, but hopefully at least a few people who follow me will have some insight to offer to help you think things through at your own pace, and hopefully the rest of what I say may help you illuminate some of your own feelings. I know very well how overwhelming discovering radical feminism was, and I never had cause to question how I described my sexuality during that process!

My advice for letting go of the split-attraction model is drastic and simple. Throw the whole thing out. It’s not a legitimate option. Seriously. It doesn’t mirror reality, and pretending it does causes issues for people like me, as you read, but it also causes issues for people like you. The general approach people take to asexuality is nonsensical to begin with, and the split attraction model makes it worse by legitimizing that nonsense.

There are two major issues with the split attraction model. The first is that it treats romantic and sexual attraction as separate. Not only does this play into the kind of homophobic thinking I mentioned in my post, but it actually perpetuates the narrative that desiring an emotionally fulfilling non-sexual relationship with someone is only possible if you have more-than-platonic feelings for them. That is simply not true. You can love somebody fully and completely and have only platonic feelings for them. Platonic relationships are only less fulfilling than romantic ones because we live in a society that expects you to center your life around a romantic partner, and treats any other kind of lifestyle as non-normative. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Not being interested in sex doesn’t mean you’re excluded from having someone to share your life with, if that’s what you want. The split attraction model gets this part right. But it says that that desire for emotional intimacy is what makes your feelings romantic, when in reality the difference between platonic and romantic is the desire for sexual intimacy. I’d actually argue limiting yourself to only “romantic” partners shuts you off from forming relationships with the kind of women who’d be seeking the same thing you are, namely heterosexual women who want to build a life with another woman rather than a romantic partner. Now, when I say “you”, I’m referring to truly asexual women who still have a desire for emotional intimacy and partnership. Whether that’s you or not is not something I can determine for you.

The second issue with the split attraction model is that it perpetuates this concept that “you can be asexual and still want and enjoy having sex”. The idea is that you can have consensual and healthy sex in the absence of sexual attraction, because you’re in a “romantic but not sexual” relationship or somehow your desire to have sex in disconnected from what is revealed by which kinds of people you want to have sex with, or that you want to have sex at all. But you can’t make a claim like that about something which is being asserted is a unique sexuality without applying that same logic to every other sexuality. If asexuality is a legitimate sexuality, the idea that asexuals would be anything less than traumatized by having sex is about as ridiculous as saying “you can be a lesbian and pursue sex with men” (a disturbing sentiment that has been picking up some steam recently) or “you can be a straight man and pursue sex with men”. So the criteria of asexuality must be that you lack sexual attraction altogether, and therefore would never choose to have sex.

So where do people who don’t really have an active sex drive but might hypothetically be okay with having sex if they were in an intimate partnership? You know for certain you feel attracted to certain people but you really don’t feel any kind of desire for sexual intimacy? My guess would be low libido. Libido isn’t something innate, like sexuality. It can fluctuate throughout your life. I can’t really speak to this part of the equation, so that’s something you’d need to look into for yourself. Are you more repulsed by the idea of being with a man than a woman for social or political reasons? Or is that aspect of your personal feelings something worth paying more thought to? I can’t answer that. But what I want to say is that no matter which conclusion you come to, you deserve fulfilling relationships and emotional connection, no matter what. You should never have to make yourself uncomfortable or distressed due to a mistaken belief that there are “acceptable” or “standard” expectations for relationships. You can find emotionally intimacy and fulfillment without sex, and you should be able to pursue that. You know what you want better than anybody else, and I sincerely hope you get it. Good luck :)

P.S. if anybody has a comment/criticism/advice for me or anon, please do offer it!

[newcaptainofsquad9]

Not So Korean Drama~Park Sooyoung(Joy) x black!fem!reader

Pairing: Sooyoung/Joy x reader

Genre: Romance, Comedy(not really), College AU, Fluff

Summary: The it girl on campus, acting major and international student, Park Sooyoung  is all you can think about. You aren’t the only one, every person has a huge crush on her too. You want to ask her out, yet in the back of your mind you know everything about it would be unconventional.

  Warnings: Anxiety, Mentions of bi-phobia (nothing major), Mentions of Microaggressions 

Word Count: 4,206

Author’s Note: Here’s some Red Velvet, I also decided to write more black readers because I want to write more for black women like me. Also I know this is very niche so I hope you guys enjoy it regardless if you identify with the main character or not. Hope you guys enjoy!

Sometimes I see this mediocre, yet funny life of mine as a television show. A world where I’m surrounded by so many generic people, well they aren’t really generic, just similar to one another. That’s usually how it goes at La Rouge University , or as most of the students of color call it, La PWI. It’s weird though, I don’t really fit in with the other black students either, nothing against them but I’m just more on the nerdy side. I know that doesn’t make me unique, but there aren’t a lot of nerdy black girls on campus. The only one I found was Brianna, who was close to Wendy and Yeri. I found my band of friends but Wendy can be a bit insensitive at times. That’s one of the reasons why I keep my budding crush on Sooyoung. Where can I begin about Park SooYoung? There’s so much about her that draws me towards her, well regardless of her sense of style, straight black hair and the ability to pull off any lipstick color. 

“Um, earth to Y/N?” Brianna asks. 

I blink up from my book, a page that I clearly checked out from. I totally forgot we were in the library of all places, whoops. Of course Brianna’s holding a smug grin while she taps Yeri. 

“Look, Y/N’s lost in thinking about Sooyoung’s eyes,” she teases.

Yeri giggles as she takes Brianna’s hand tightly. 

“I know right, I don’t know why you don’t just ask her out already,” Yeri says. 

I cringe at how loud she said it as Wendy approaches our table with her usual blue sweatshirt, tan pants and bag slung across her shoulder. She must have gotten from her English class since she’s clutching her literature book for dear life.     

“Who’s asking who out?” she asks as she pulls up a seat. 

“Um, no one,” I say quickly. 

Wendy throws a deadpan look my way. 

“It’s gotta be about you Y/N,” Wendy notes. “You’re the single person at the table and if Bri and Yeri were cheating on each other I’m sure they wouldn’t discuss it in front of each other.”

Both Brianna and Yeri shrug as they link arms and kiss each others cheeks. 

“You haven’t found someone else, have you babe?”Yeri whines. 

Brianna nuzzles against her cheek. 

“You know I haven’t jagi,” Brianna coos. 

Yeri giggles at the pet name she taught Bri, earning a kiss on her lips. They’re cute, teeth rottenly so, but I always wonder how they got together. Of course they’re in the same major and have an obsession with Boba tea but what about their obvious racial differences, with Yeri being Korean and all. I’m curious but then again, it’s not my place to ask. It’s their relationship. 

“So, are you gonna tell me who it is?” Wendy asks while she pokes me with the end of her pen.

“Nobody,” I say.“None of your concern.”

Wendy pouts as her pokes grow faster. 

“Ah come on! You were fine with telling Yeri and Bri about it!” she groans.

“Yeah, but you’ll just kill the vibe,” I explain, “plus you know them so.”

Wendy gasps. 

“Really? Ah! So it won’t be hard to guess!” she says.“Is it Minseok from the Starbucks?”

Yeri giggles. 

“Uh, it isn’t a he, Wendy.”

Wendy blinks at Yeri’s statement as I send a Brianna a knowing glare. She nods and pats my hand. 

“Oh, I didn’t know you were into women, Y/N,” Wendy says. 

“Yeah, but I’m still into men too Wendy,” I say. “But yes, this crush is on a woman.”

“Oh ok,” Wendy says. “I didn’t know that was your thing but ok.”

I hold back my words, but Brianna doesn’t. Thank God.

“And what’s that supposed to mean Wendy?” she asks.

Yeri pinches the bridge of her nose as Wendy glances at each of us in confusion.

“What?” she asks.“Aw, did I overstep again?”

I nod sharply when Brianna scoffs. 

“Took a giant step over the line,” I say. “I’m bi.”

Wendy’s eyes soften. 

“I-I’m sorry Y/N,” she says. “I hadn’t realized and you never talked about it with us.”

“It’s fine,” I tell her with a pat of her hand. 

“So,” Yeri says, breaking the tension.“When are you going to ask her out?”

Fortunately Wendy’s all smiles again, yet she goes to asking me again.

“So, who is she? Oh! is it-”

I don’t even register who Wendy’s talking about as my focus shifts towards the entrance of the library. The double doors slide open, slowly (maybe its my hyperactive mind) and steps in the woman herself. Park Sooyoung. Of course she’d step in now of all times with her stylish tan trench coat, white turtle neck and dark skinny jeans. Just like in the TV shows she brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. Ok it is my hyperactive imagination, she’s even walking this way. Shit, no that’s actually happening. Wendy pokes me again. 

“Y/N? Oh!” she gasps, realizing. 

Sooyoung steps up to our table with a tiny smile and a wave. 

“Hi Wendy, Yeri,” she greets.

Her attention shifts over to Brianna and I. Me. Park Sooyoung is looking at me. 

“Oh! This is Y/N,” Yeri says as she squeezes Brianna’s hand. “And this is my girlfriend, Brianna.”

Sooyoung grins, flashing a few of her teeth as she bows slightly, reaching for Brianna’s hand, shaking it then holding it out to me. I. My skin flares as my words begin to disperse. 

“Nice to meet you,” Sooyoung says. “Brianna. Y/N.”

Her attention is back on me, her eyebrow raised as she notices that I haven’t taken her hand yet. I grip it quickly and shake it just as swift.

“N-Nice to, meetyoutoo!” I manage to blurt out. 

Sooyoung turns back to Wendy. 

“I just wanted to ask if Professor Philip put the PowerPoint online,” she says. “I had to miss lecture today because of rehearsals.”

Wendy waves her off. 

“You’re in the clear,” Wendy reassures. “He’s going over it again next class.”

Sooyoung releases a breath of relief, another smile engulfing her striking features yet again. 

“Thank you Wendy,” she says.

It’s as if the entire library started to notice Sooyoung, guys start to pop up that I don’t even know. I know one of them, Jackson Wang, a friend of mine, we aren’t close, yet I didn’t know he knew Sooyoung.  

“Yo Y/N!” he greets. “Bri, Yeri, Wendy!” 

He then turns back to Sooyoung.

“We should get going,” he says. “JB and Bam Bam are waiting.”

“Ah, you’re right!” Sooyoung exclaims. “It was nice meeting you both, see you guys around!” 

And just like that Sooyoung’s gone and around the corner with Jackson flanking her. Are they a thing? Last time I checked Jackson was endlessly flirting with Namjoon, the library’s part time receptionist and full time genius. I’ve confided in Jackson about my sexuality before, but I’ve never talked to him about Sooyoung. Oh God, they must be dating.

“Y/N, Y/N you still there?” Yeri asks.

I turn my attention back to the table. Brianna holds a shit eating grin as always, Yeri tries to stifle a laugh while Wendy narrows her eyes at me.

“Sooyoung,” she says. “You have a crush on Park Sooyoung.”

“Not just a crush,” Brianna notes. “A school girl crush, I know you saw how nervous Y/N got. She could barely speak.”

I hunker down further in my seat as my face flares again.

“Shut up,” I groan. 

Wendy giggles. 

“It’s cute Y/N, but I’m not sure if Sooyoung’s-” she pauses prior to continuing. “You know.”

I get an uneasy tingle from Wendy’s words. She’s right, what if she isn’t into women. What if she doesn’t like black people? Another stab that would hurt more.

“What Wendy?” Yeri asks. “Gay or Bi? it’s ok, you can say it.”

Wendy frowns. 

“Guys, I don’t mean to come off like that,” she groans. “I just don’t want her to get hurt. Sooyoung hasn’t been here in the states for a while, I’m not sure if she’s-accepting.”       

“Well if she’s hanging out with Jackson, who’s big bi energy by the way,” Brianna explains. “She’s got to be somewhat accepting.”

Yeri’s eyes soften at me as she reaches for my hand.

“That doesn’t mean you should give up,” she says. “Just talk to her.”

I slip further down into my seat, it’s easier said than done. Sooyoung’s an international student which means she only hangs out with other international students. I only know two of them: Wendy, born in South Korea but studied in Canada prior to moving here and Jackson who moved here from China on a football scholarship.  They’re friends of course, but even they blow me out of the water with their style and the looks they get from students. Sooyoung especially. 

“I guess, ah look at that!” I say while getting out of my seat. “I got class in ten.”

Brianna grins. 

“Your class doesn’t start until 3:30, it’s only 3:05.”

I nod with a quick smile.

“I know!” I say. “I just need to get away from this conversation. Talk to you guys later!”

I’m out and away from the table before they can utter a goodbye.

***

Class was dull as usual. Thankfully it ended before my eyes glazed over and I can grab some dinner before heading back to my dorm. The classroom empty's out quickly, I rush to the exit of the building, ready for that cool air to hit me. 

“Ey! Y/N!” a booming voice calls.

I turn to see Jackson. He’s clad in his black and red Letterman jacket with the letters L and R embroidered on the front. His hair’s also gelled back to perfection, it looks awesome might I add. 

“Hey Jackson,” I say. “What’s up?”

I slow my pace for him to catch up with me from down the hall. The cool air hits my face, I sigh, then turn to Jackson, who’s already behind me as I hold the door for him. 

“Thanks,” he says as he stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “You done with classes for today, right?”

I nod sharply. 

“Yep, you?”

Jackson chuckles.

“You know I don’’t have classes on Thursday,” he notes. 

I roll my eyes. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have asked. That’s what I want to say, but I restrain. I find myself doing that a lot here at La Rouge University. Don’t want to come across as that kind of black girl. Sure, Jackson and I are cool, I just don’t want him to put a thought into his head. I’m sure he’s seen many stereotypes of black women, black people in general. I don’t want to put that risk out, especially when Brianna and I have to had many talks with Wendy about it.       

“Hey,” Jackson says softly. “You good?”

I blink up at him as we stroll through the courtyard with the wind nipping at our skin. 

“Yeah, uh, I’m fine.”

Jackson smirks and leans closer to throw an arm around my shoulder. 

“So, Miss Y/LN,” he starts. “Tell me, how long has your little crush been a thing?”

I jolt at his words.

“Huh? C-crush? Nah, uh what do you mean a crush?”

Jackson chuckles and bats his eyes jokingly. 

“Don’t play coy!” he exclaims. “You looked like you were going to pass out around Sooyoung.”

My skin burns at his words. I wasn’t that obvious, was I?

“I-I, um, Sooyoung, who? Never heard of her.”

“Sure Jan.”

“When the hell did you watch the Brady Bunch?” I ask.

Jackson shrugs.

“I watched it with Yeri last weekend, you should have came over. I heard its a major part of American slang and memes which are hilarious.”

I nod in agreement. 

“Yeah, let’s discuss memes instead of Park Sooyoung oh-”

Jackson jabs his finger at me.

“You even know her last name, ha!” Jackson says. “You’re totally crushing right now.”

I sigh in defeat. 

“Fine, yes I like her all right. It’s not a big deal anyway.”

Jackson frowns. 

“It totally is,” he says. “Sooyoung and I are friends, along with classmates. I even know her schedule, for class and drama rehearsals.”

“Oh nice,” I say.

“I know that she’s free right now. Chilling at Reveluv Cafe, going over her lines, drinking some coffee or what not, looking stunning.”

I flush and cross my arms. 

“Yeah, probably flocked by drooling people,” I say. “She’s too stunning for her own good.”

“Yes, but unlike those drooling losers you’re going to talk to her.”

“I’m sorry, what? Jackson, no way,” I say. “She’s an actress, didn’t she act in a couple of K dramas?”

Jackson nods.

“Four actually,” he clarifies. “The first three were cameos, but the latest one she played a huge supporting role, over shadowed the male and female leads.”

“That doesn’t make my situation any better,” I deadpan. “she’s got status in her home country, gorgeous features and a promising career ahead of her. What the hell do I have?”

Jackson’s arm tightens around me.

“You’re sweet, pretty and nice to talk to,” he says. “You also have a career ahead of you crazy, that’s why you’re studying remember?” 

“You’re a friend,” I groan. “You’re inclined to say that.”

“Yeah, but even before we became friends, I always found you hot,” he admits.

I elbow him playfully in the ribs.

“Jackson Wang! Stop playing!” 

Jackson shakes his head.

“I’m dead serious, black women are sexy. And you definitely aren’t the exception.”

“Stop!” I laugh and playfully push him away. 

“What?” he chuckles. “look I know you find Asian guys attractive too! And I know good and well you like Asian women.”

He narrows his eyes and wiggles his eyebrows.

My face heats up as we enter the library for the second time today.

“Is there anything I can do to make you stop?” I joke.

Jackson nods.

“Talk to Sooyoung,” he suggests. “Hey, I can help! Start the conversation!”

I just stare at him as he puts his hands together. 

“Please?”

“Fine.”

***

Reveluv cafe is bright, a little too colorful for my taste, but still homey and comforting. The walls are covered in various fruits, some hand drawn and neon to bring, I guess variety. It’s cute. Even the floor is bright red, leading up to the counter that’s decorated with other tropical themes, the employees even wear sashes and white uniforms with fruit based buttons.

Jackson leads me to the lounging area of the cafe which has an area of circular tables and higher tables near the windows. Sitting at one in the corner at the far back is Sooyoung, her straight hair spills down her cream colored turtle neck. Her head’s down in a book, she’s transfixed on the page. 

“Jackson, maybe we shouldn’t-”

“Sooyoung, hey!”

Damnit Jackson.

Sooyoung’s head jerks up as a soft smile graces her lips. 

“Jackson, hi!”

I watch from behind Jackson. He walks up to Sooyoung, she stands and engulfs him in a hug. 

“How are lines going?” 

Sooyoung giggles.

“Great so far! What brings you and-” she pauses to look at me. “Hi, Y/N, right?”

I nod sharply. God, she remembered my name.  

“Yeah, hi Sooyoung.”

Jackson smirks with a knowing glare at me. Hasn’t this man clowned me enough?

“Y/N here was just nervous to speak to you.”

My hands start to tremble as Sooyoung looks to me with confusion.

“Why?” she asks. “You’re friends with Wendy and Yeri, so by default I think you’re cool.”

Wow. Park Sooyoung just called me cool. 

“Oh, she is,” Jackson declares. His mouth opens to say more, yet a slight buzz in his pocket stops him. 

“What is it?”

Jackson takes a look at his phone quickly before grinning back up at me, then Sooyoung.

“Sorry ladies, I kind of have a study date with Mr. IQ 148!” 

Sooyoung’s brows furrow. 

“Um, who?”

“Namjoon,” I say. “Jackson! Ah!”

I take his arm and whisper.

“You can’t leave yet,” I groan. 

Jackson pats my arm. 

“You got this babe, I promise to give you all the details with Namjoon if you give me the details you get with Sooyoung.”

God, this man is incorrigible.

“If I fuck this up you owe me so many smoothies.”

Jackson chuckles.

“You got to try first sweetie, she’s cool, you’ll see.”

Jackson says a quick goodbye to the both of us.

I turn back to Sooyoung who’s looking dead at me with her hands behind her back. 

“Would you like to sit?” she asks with another bright smile.

“Yeah, uh sure.”

She gestures to the empty seat across from her, I slide into it quickly, Sooyoung follows. 

“So, are you an English major like Wendy?”

I shake my head. 

“No, actually I’m a creative writing major.”

Sooyoung’s face lit up as she took a swig of her coffee.

“Really? So, you write your own books and stories?”

I nod, and try to hide a smile behind my hand. Her attention is fully on me. 

“Yeah, but mostly poems though,” I say, pausing once I meet Sooyoung’s eyes. I don’t finish, God I can hardly face her. If Jackson can see it than its got to be obvious to her.

“Y/N?” she asks. “Are you ok?”

“Y-Yeah, I-I I just-”

Sooyoung’s eyes soften as she takes my hand, which is already starting to get clammy and sweaty. 

“It’s ok, breathe,” she coaxes. “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

I giggle, the action eases some of the anxiety. My heart rate goes down a bit, just a bit because Sooyoung’s hands are still over mine.

“I-I guess not to judge me, or freak out even,” I say. “I know we’re different, ok. And we’re both women.”

Sooyoung giggles, teeth baring rather sweetly.

“You’re cute,” she coos. “Yes, you’re American and-”

“Black,” I blurt. 

Sooyoung nods.

“Oh, I didn’t even notice,” Sooyoung jokes. She raises our interlocked hands together drawing my attention to my brown hand and her lighter, almost porcelain one. “Why? Is that an issue? Is that what’s making you so nervous?”

“Part of it, the truth is, I like you,” I admit. 

Sooyoung’s eyes widen, forcing me to pull my hand away from her own. She draws back to as she tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear. My trembles don’t die down, but the flaring in my chest does. I nod as my eyes travel down to the table, I can’t look at Sooyoung right now. Of course I made a fool of myself.

“I uh, I can leave you alone now-”

“Wait, Y/N!”

She grabs my wrist before I can get up, it startles me. 

Our eyes meet again, Sooyoung giggles, the confidence she oozes makes me glance down at the legs of her chair. 

“Can I admit something too?” 

I nod, she then sighs lowly. 

“Can you look at me? Y/N?” 

Before I can register her question warm fingers juts my chin up, forcing my attention on her face. She smiles and I swear her eyes lingers down at my lips for a moment prior to moving back up to my eyes. 

“I’m flattered,” she whispers. “You’re really pretty, I’d love to go out. Maybe next week, if that’s ok?”

“I, um, yeah,” I mutter. “I-I’m looking forward to it.”

***

Weeks come and go. The teasing from Jackson, Brianna, Yeri, even Wendy (surprisingly) continues as the dates with Sooyoung get frequent. We’ve start to hold hands even, which is a huge step for me (Sooyoung initiated it first of course).  Dating Sooyoung has been surprising to say the least, she’s even more flirty now that we know more about each other, which makes me more anxious to be around her now. It’s fun to be around her, she’s interested in aspects of American culture that she doesn’t know much about. One in particular being memes, thanks to Jackson himself and even slang. It rubs me the wrong way to hear her say, ‘sup sweetie’ at times but she’s still learning. Right? I’m just thinking too much into it. I’m sure she won’t start talking black and Jackson learned not to from me, along with a quick, yet needed scolding from Brianna.  

 I arrive at Sooyoung’s apartment a sweaty mess. This is the first time I’ve been to her apartment and I already feel like I’m gonna mess this up. She talked about living with someone, but what I didn’t expect was a stunning woman with straight, blonde hair to answer the door. I don’t remember seeing her around campus, I’m sure the people would flock to her as much as they flock to Sooyoung too. 

“Hi, uh,” I pause at how intimating she looks. “I-I’m uh, Sooyoung invited me.”

The woman chuckles as she gives me a quick once over. 

“You must be Y/N,” she notes. “Come in.”  

She steps aside for me which I do. 

The house looks like a loft inside: a low, white couch sits in the middle of the living room, a flat screen hugs the far wall, the carpet is clear and fluffy covering most of the floor, leading to the staircase. 

“Joohyun!” Sooyoung calls while rushing down the stairs. “Y-Y/N, hi.”

I give her a tiny wave as Joohyun chuckles. 

“Well, I’ll leave you to your date,” Joohyun says with a quick wink at me and a narrow eyed glare at Sooyoung. 

“How long are gonna be out unnie?” Sooyoung asks. 

Joohyun giggles and raises an eyebrow.

“Why?” she asks. “You both aren’t going to have too much fun, are you?”

My eyes scan down to the carpet to memorize how spotless it is. 

“Joohyun! Y-You’re so embarrassing!” Sooyoung exclaims. I see her black sock covered feet next to mine. 

“All jokes Sooyoung,” Joohyun explains. “I’ll be staying at Seulgi’s tonight. It was a pleasure meeting you Y/N.”

“Same here,” I say. 

When I meet Joohyun’s eyes her intimating demeanor disperses. An easy, toothy smile now replaces it. Once she waves and is out the door, Sooyoung’s hands are on my face. 

“I’m so sorry about her,” she groans. “She didn’t frighten you too much, did she?”

“Not really,” I admit. “Does she always do this to people she doesn’t know?”

Sooyoung giggles.

“Yeah, she’s just protective is all,” she explains. “Now, would you like to watch the show here in the living room or.”

She steps up to rest her hands on my sides. 

“My room could work, I have plenty of stuffed animals,” she suggests. “We could cuddle.”

She smiles, my heart flutters as she intertwines our hands together. I lose my breathe as she steps closer, our faces suddenly an inch apart. She’s using a bright, red lipstick, perfect at this distance. Kissabl-

“Can I kiss you?” she asks.

I nod, she tilts her head to the right before our lips meet. Her lips are smooth, with a cherry taste. I didn’t even know lipstick could taste this good. She smiles against my lips, her hands wind themselves around my waist in order to deepen the kiss. Sooyoung’s fevered kisses keep my lips moving with her, it continues until I run out of breath, forcing me to pull away. 

“How was that?” she asks prior to biting her lip. 

“It was I-”

It takes me a minute to gather my words. I never kissed a woman before and that was-

“Amazing,” I manage to say.  

Sooyoung chuckles lowly, takes my hand and leads me to the couch. 

“Yeah, would it be dope if we continue?” 

I cringe at the word dope, she notices right away.

“What is it? I’m rushing things aren’t I?” she asks.

I shake my head, but think about it for a moment. I want to have this conversation about our different cultures. Of course it’s something we’re got to talk about but why do I feel as if its so awkward? It’s just a few words, right? I just don’t want to come across as that kind of person. That kind of black person especially. 

“Y/N,” Sooyoung says. “Are you ok?” 

“Yeah, it’s just uh,” I pause to finally form coherent words. “Slang, it’s um kind of weird when you say it-not saying that it’s bad or anything its just.”

I pause again to sit next to Sooyoung, who listens intently. 

“It’s your thing, right?” she asks. “As an American?”

“As an African American, as a black person,” I say. “I just don’t want you to use certain terms without knowing where they come from. I’m curious about Korean too, but I want to go by it respectfully. I want to respect you.”

Sooyoung’s eyes lighten up, her fingers play with my right hand as a smile spreads across her face.

“I want to respect you too jagi, ah! To be honest I got most of those words from Jackson anyway.”

I roll my eyes. 

“I’m not even surprised.”

“So, can we still watch the drama?” she asks with a playful frown.

“Of course!”

Sooyoung lets out a delighted giggle, presses a quick kiss to my cheek and moves to turn the flat-screen on. Maybe dating Park Sooyoung wasn’t going to be so difficult after all. 

[hellomynameisbisexual]

There are at least as many bi and pansexual people in the world as lesbians and gay men combined, at least according to surveys of western countries. But bisexuality is poorly understood - leaving bi and pansexual people feeling that their sexuality is invisible or invalid.

In Episode 1 of the new season of BANG!, people who are "attracted to more than one gender" share their experiences, and Dr Nikki Hayfield highlights some particularly damaging, often "biphobic", stereotypes.

To the outside world, Rose and Sam* look like any other straight couple. They're in their mid 20s, affectionate and obviously really into each other. The thing is, they're not straight.

Sam identifies as pansexual and Rose is bisexual. People define each of these sexualities in different ways, but for Sam pansexuality means that he's attracted to people irrespective of gender (as in, it's not important) and for Rose bisexuality means she's attracted to people "across the spectrum of genders".

For those shouting "but bi means two!", some people still use bisexuality to mean they're into just men and women, but others have broadened the definition as a response to the increase in trans identities and in resisting binary understandings of gender.

Both Sam and Rose came out in their early 20s, both had same-sex experiences and attractions in their teens and, initially, both put them down to teenaged "confusion" or "acting out".

As Sam tells me in this episode of BANG!, "Heterosexuality was expected of me and that's why it took quite a while to realise I wasn't that. It's why my parents still don't know [I'm pan]… I wouldn't be disowned or anything, but it would confirm that I'm the sort of black sheep, and that I'm less of a man in some way, and that doesn't feel good."

Rose grew up with an openly lesbian aunt; her family environment was welcoming of queerness. But she thought bisexuality meant 50 per cent attracted to men and 50 per cent attracted to women, and that the label didn't fit her because she's attracted to men more of the time.

That's until she turned 21 and stumbled across a Tumblr post.

"It said, 'you can be 70 per cent attracted to men, 30 per cent attracted to women' and I was like 'Oh! I think I could be not-straight then!'"

Soon after, Rose came out to her mum.

"When I told her… she was like 'Oh, I think I'm bi too!', I was like, 'What?! Why didn't you tell me! That would've really helped my coming out journey if you'd told me'," she laughs.

Rose's mum explained she had tried to come out as bi to some lesbian friends in the 1980s, but they told her she needed to "pick a side". This kind of discrimination from within queer circles makes bisexuals particularly vulnerable to social isolation, with many reporting that they feel "not straight enough" for straight circles and "not gay enough" for LGBTQ+ communities.

Rose and Sam are part of an open and supportive friend group, but even so - people close to them make incorrect assumptions about their sexualities because they are in a male/female relationship.

"We have had a friend who we know and love so much come up to us really drunk… and be like, 'You're just so straight! Look at you two!'... and I was like, 'No we're not!' It was sort of a funny situation but also… I don't think it's a funny joke to be like 'you're straight, haha!' Because you just don't know," she says.

Dr Nikki Hayfield is a senior lecturer at UWE Bristol, whose research explores bisexualities, pansexualities, asexualities, and LGBTQ+ sexualities generally. She's also bisexual herself.

"People do tend to take our relationships status as a signifier of our identity, and so it's much more difficult for bisexual people to be out about their sexuality, because their partner… doesn't indicate their sexuality in the way that it does for heterosexual people or for lesbians and gay men," she says.

"Bisexual people find that even if they've been explicitly out about their bisexuality, to say their friends and their family and their work colleagues, when they're in a relationship all of a sudden it's as if they didn't make that declaration of their bisexuality, and they find that people around them assume that they're 'gay now' or they're "straight now'."

Author and columnist Emily Writes was happily married to her husband when she came to terms with her attractions towards women. While her husband was incredibly supportive, coming out to some of her friends and family was trickier.

"A lot of people saw it as 'Are you getting a divorce then? Which I thought was really odd because that never crossed out minds… We have a really happy marriage and I don't see how that changes anything," says Emily.

As someone with a public profile, Emily copped the same social media flack as bisexual celebrities like Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus: That they are claiming queer sexualities as a marketing stunt. Another common biphobic trope.

"When I see somebody being like 'Oh now she's gay coz it's cool.' I just have this thing in my head where I'm like 'I've been gay! I've been gay! The whole time I was gay!' She says. "It's this thing around bisexuality or queerness, that people want you to perform it for them and if you don't then are you allowed to say that you're queer or bi?"

Here's why this stuff is so important:

- The Youth '12 survey, of 8,500 New Zealand secondary school students found young people who experience "both and same sex attraction" (gay, lesbian, bi and pansexual students were lumped together in this survey) are more likely to be bullied.

The majority of them had deliberately self-harmed. 18.3% had attempted suicide in the past year.

- Also - the proportion of them experiencing significant depressive symptoms has increased from 27 per cent in 2001 to 41.3 per cent in 2012. Opposite-sex attracted students had no significant change.

- Several overseas studies also suggest that bisexual people are at a higher risk for poor mental health outcomes than both straight and lesbian and gay people.

What can we do to help?

Sai, Charlie and Emma are students at Wellington High School who identify as pan and bisexual.

"Just normalise it. As much as you can," says Emma. "A lot of TV shows are having a lot of casual background queer characters and not making their queerness who they are… Let's hope it continues."

"I do think the term "it's just a phase' is so strange," Charlie says. "Because, if it is a phase why can't that person, like, live in that phase and be comfortable with that?"

"People are a lot more quick to shut it down the younger you are because they're like 'oh you don't know any better'," says Emma.

"It's just people with ideas about what things should be, having a go at people who don't fit their expectations, just like it happens with just your regular old homophobes," says Sai.

"I guess I just wish I had bi parents, then I'd know it was a thing. Or just bi people that are open and in my life,"

Rose, the bi woman in a relationship with pansexual Sam, has some good advice, too.

"Until I meet this new person coming into my friend's life, I'm not gonna presume what gender they're going to be, that's just putting my friend in a box... I kinda just assume everyone's bi unless they tell me otherwise."

* Rose and Sam are not their real names

[algaedo]

Things I’ve gotten asked/told as a nonbinary (ftm he/they) bisexual:

Why are you bi

that’s just pan but a different label

You’re bi so that mean you should be able to get into twice the relationships since your dating pool is bigger right?

What’s it like being bi

You’re non-binary?

Why are you non-binary?

You’re so pretty why do you want to change that?

god doesn’t make mistakes

I really couldn’t tell you were trans.

You’re bi, damn I bet you’re a freak

Bi people aren’t loyal

If you’re a trans masc why haven’t you transitioned

You don’t really wanna be a guy, trust me lol

What’s it like having sex with girls as another girl

This is just a phase don’t worry

When you have kids you’ll understand

Why put labels on everything

And my responses will always be:

I’ve always identified as bi, I like both male and female, and non-binary folk. Men are hot, women are hot and fucking THEY are hot.

Maybe, but it’s what I feel comfortable identifying as. I don’t judge you for your occasional homoerotic moment.

That’s what you’d think yes. I’m just bi-myself. Relationships have nothing to do with what you identify as and everything to do with feelings and the effort you put forth because of those feelings. I currently would like to be in a relationship but I don’t know if I have the mental energy to provide what it would entail for the other person.

Idk? It doesn’t change my life that much bro. It changes who I love, not the craziness.

Yes that would be correct

I would like to identify fully as trans masc, but currently I cannot transition, and so I feel a little intimidated by using he/him instead of he/they.

Because I’ve never felt comfortable in my body. Everytime I look at myself, it’s not like I’m crying because I don’t like it. I just feel like it’s not mine. It’s someone else’s and i need to make it my own since it’s what I’ve been given instead of the body I was meant to have

Great but you’re telling me that a dude in the sky said yes, let’s purposefully put them in the wrong body.

I mean thanks but that feels like a back handed compliment. I would assume the whole point of being trans is that you pass as cis.

No. I’m not a freak, nor am I easy, because I’m attracted to multiple genders.

If you don’t trust that someone is loyal just based on their sexual orientation, that’s a you problem. I get there’s a few outliers but they don’t speak for the majority so shut up with your biphobia.

Not everyone can afford to transition. Much less are also in a safe place in life to transition. I don’t think it’s right to judge someone based on what stage of transitioning they are in. The cost of hormones and surgery start to add up. Please be mindful of that. As for me, I’m waiting until I’m out of my parents house.

And what makes you say that? Seriously, what do you think gives you the right to tell me that I don’t want to be male when that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Wouldn’t know, as I have never, ever, had sex. And it’s not really your business.

The phase has lasted for at least 10 years. So I’d kindly beg to differ.

I don’t want kids at the moment. And if I do I’m adopting. But I really don’t plan on having kids.

People who have issues with labels don’t tend to just ask someone what they identify as and assume that they’re okay with they way your perceive them. At least that’s been my experience.

Some of the questions I’ve gotten were innocently asked questions and I honestly don’t mind answering any of them. But they’re not always asked in an innocent manner. Sometimes there are people who just want to push your buttons when they can. I.E. this kid in middle school asked me all these weird questions about being bisexual in front of half our class. I was humiliated because some of the questions were uncomfortable and emphasis on the sexual wlw aspect of it. We were 12 and it was a blatant invasion of my privacy.

In otherwords, please if you’re going to ask questions, be mindful and try not to proposely disrespect someone’s privacy. Please.

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

Your posts are always interesting, this could sound weird but, what do you think about the sexual orientations in 19 days? I know it is shonen ai but in this kind of comic is usually characters are just in love with someone but no anyone else. But with zhanyi it has being shown at least that Zhan had problems thinking about it, what do you think about tianshan's as well? I am not into Lgbt knowledge, so i'm lost about it

Good afternoon, dear anon-san!

I’m sorry it took me a couple of days to get to your question. Thank you for your patience!

I’ve talked about my takes on the sexual orientations a couple of times by now:

Why didn’t HT want MGS to like him more and more?

Homophobia in 19 Days

Could HT be bisexual?

Could ZZX be quoiromantic?

Was ZZX a heterosexual prior to JY’s confession?

Zhanyi and emotional manipulation?

Was MGS HT’s first kiss?

My Tianshan “timeline”

I suggest you check out those previous answers to get a better sense of where I’m coming from. I’m probably going to repeat some of the things in this answer but not as comprehensively.

Also, before I get further into this, I realize this is a rather controversial topic in the fandom. However, I want people reading this to know that I am most certainly not against discussing how readers interpret the characters from this perspective. I know some people just genuinely don’t care one way or another - which is perfectly fine - but to me, it sometimes feels like “who cares” is used to shut people up. I don’t see why the aspect of sexual orientations can’t be discussed just like any other part of the story. Especially since I feel like it’s one of the major themes of 19 Days. And sexual orientations in fiction can be important peaks of representation and connection to many readers, so I do understand why people might want to talk about them.

In all fairness, though, I also understand why people might be annoyed by this discussion. Other’s interpretations can feel forceful to us, especially if they greatly differ from ours. Or it might irritate us if we feel like people are focusing on trivial things. I get it. I’m sometimes “guilty” of those feelings, too - I’m not trying to make it sound like I’m somehow above that. However, I don’t think the solution should be to make others feel shitty but rather to try and give room for all kinds of points of view.

Anyway. End of my usual rant when it comes to these things. (^_^ ‘‘)

“what do you think about the sexual orientations in 19 days?”

When it comes to sexual orientations in 19 Days, I feel like the most accurate answer I can give is “I don’t know”. I don’t think it’s possible to tell one way or another for sure, and anyone’s interpretation is as good as mine. The things I’ve said in previous answers - and what I will continue to say in this one, too - are merely based on the vibes I’ve personally gotten. I am not trying to make it sound like I have some kind of solid, concrete “evidence”. I want everyone to keep all of that in mind when reading this.

He Tian and Mo Guan Shan

I’m going to be fairly brief with HT because I’ve already talked about him in this sense a few times. In short, I tend to read HT as a budding bisexual. Partly because of the vibes I’ve gotten and partly because of my own bias as a bisexual. It’s a pet interpretation of sorts that I like to toy with.

There aren’t any solid extracts of the comic for me to base this on, either. Merely little details that had caught my eye and made me wonder (ch. 160, 190, 226. 307):

If someone says that none of those panels make HT a bisexual, I would wholeheartedly agree. But to me, as a reader, those little details muddy the waters. Reading magazines with half-naked women in suggestive poses on the cover doesn’t make anyone straight, bi, or anything, but it seems HT doesn’t at least mind that kind of content - perhaps he’s even interested in it since he’s supposedly spent money on them. Of course, it’s too hasty to judge a book by its cover so to speak but I’ve always been interested in that detail.

However, what has made me think HT might be bisexual more than that is the whole “I don’t want you to like me more and more” thing. I have somewhat mixed feelings about the note but regardless of that, HT felt the need to lie to MGS. Again, there could be many reasons for it - but I think one possible reason could be that he was conflicted. Initially, HT didn’t get interested in MGS for romantic reasons, but somewhere along the way his feelings shifted and developed. Was HT confused about his own feelings and that’s why he lied to MGS? Was it his first time discovering such feelings for another guy? Again, it’s impossible to tell for sure but I don’t see why that couldn’t be a possible way to interpret it.

In addition to all of that, we don’t really know enough about HT’s past relationships to tell one way or another. He’s only 15, so I doubt he’s had much experience whether it’s with girls or guys. How being a part of his family has affected him as a person is also something that should be taken into consideration when wondering about HT’s potential romantic past.

I haven’t really talked about how I see MGS’s orientation before. I think that MGS’s character was set out as straight, but it’s always been more like a like “default setting” rather than what he might actually be. I would say he sees himself as a heterosexual but I think that’s more about him just going with what’s considered “normal” without bothering to give it much thought (ch. 222):

That little conversation has always reminded me of the movie 40 Year Old Virgin. Like, if Buzzcut had asked MGS “what kind of boobs do you like?” and MGS had been like “yes” or “as long as she has them”. He doesn’t really seem to have preferences or a type when it comes to girls, and I think one reason for that is because he’s never really been that concerned about the matter. If someone asks, he’s into girls but that kind of conversation is over rather quickly with him.

One reason for MGS’s seeming indifference is probably how he’s been rejected by his peers, ultimately leading him to isolate himself and push others away by becoming even harder to approach. Girls wouldn’t be interested in someone like him, so why should he waste time thinking about them? I might be projecting too much but it seems to be like he’s basically rejecting that part of being a teenager. It’s easier to ignore it until you’ve become indifferent than feeling like you’re missing out on something. 

In addition to that, it seems MGS is easily irritated and disgusted by the idea of another guy making a pass at him and aggressively guards both his body and image in that sense (ch. 160, 170, 249, 250, 285):

I’m sure a lot of that has to do with his history of being involved in gangs and being a delinquent. To survive in that world you need to exhibit rather aggressive and masculine behavior. In other words, to be the top dog. In those circles, being gay is easily associated with being the bottom as in submissive and easily overpowered. So, in addition to MGS not being keen on talking about girls and romance, he’s also had to keep up a certain image.

Do I think HT has discovered MGS’s “true” sexuality? I wouldn’t really put it like that. I would rather say HT’s persistent influence has “unlocked” the world of love and affection for MGS. He can experience that part of life with HT instead of rejecting it. I suppose the million-dollar question is does that make MGS straight or homosexual. And to be honest, I don’t have an answer. Personally, I read him more as a heterosexual than homosexual. I can’t really him being in a relationship with other guys than HT.

Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi

I’ve also talked about these two quite a lot, so I don’t know how much I have left to say. Generally speaking, I think JY is someone who might actually identify as a homosexual in the future. It doesn’t look like he’s ever been interested in girls. More importantly, though, it seems that as he’s fallen in love with ZZX he’s also discovered himself in a broader sense (ch. 143, 158, 164, 187):

I think the theme of coming of age when it comes to sexuality is the strongest in JY’s character. ZZX might be the only guy he has a crush on, but JY seems to be thinking about being in love with a guy also as something that might defy him. He feels confused about being different and scared of how others could react to him being in a relationship with ZZX despite how open he also is about his feelings. He might happily want to hold hands with ZZX or kiss him in public but he’s not always that confident. JY is surprisingly good at hiding behind a happy-go-lucky smile and carry the hurt and insecurity caused by prejudice in his heart. Those deeper feelings occasionally burst out when his guard lowers.

Again, this is just an overall vibe I’ve gotten from JY’s character. But I’ve always felt like he’s processing the whole thing of being in love with someone of the same sex on a deeper level than the others. I feel like his feelings for ZZX are connected to his identity more explicitly and him coming to discover himself sexually in the same way that real-life people would.

Compared to the three other boys, I think ZZX has always been a solid straight to me. I think before JY’s confession he identified as a heterosexual. He just was the kind of teenage boy who found girls and crushes too troublesome and annoying (ch. 51, 52, 102):

I doubt the idea of being in a relationship with another guy had really popped into his mind as an option. JY’s confession and feelings for him as a guy came as a big shock to him. Their first kiss seemed to tumble everything down in ZZX’s head and force him to figure everything - JY, himself, and his relationship with JY - from the beginning (ch. 151, 152, 165):

I believe a lot of it was rebuilt the same way but there were definitely changes and also room for future changes. A lot of the feelings ZZX already had for JY - protectiveness, affection, deep sense of bond - could also be applied to a romantic relationship. I believe they’re also the building blocks that ZZX as a character would want to cherish in his romantic relationship. All ZZX needed to do was to shift his point of view a little when it came to JY and see how he felt about it.

As big of a mental turmoil as I’m sure ZZX went through, I think it’s safe for us to assume what his resolve was. I might be too generous with my interpretation but this moment made Zhanyi canon in my head (ch. 209):

ZZX didn’t exactly return JY’s feelings in the same sense but he accepted them. He might not be ready to give all the things JY wants yet but he made a promise that JY will have a future with him. JY won’t have to feel insecure because ZZX will always be beside him. He just needs more time, and JY has to be patient.

But I suppose that once again the question of ZZX’s current orientation remains. And I don’t have a solid answer this time, either. I still read him mostly as a heterosexual, though. Just like MGS, I can’t really see ZZX in a relationship with another guy besides JY. However, I think that ZZX is also the type of character who puts more emphasis on the bond of the relationship rather than his partner’s gender. But...still, I imagine it would be quite a hump for him to discover that he could have feelings for guys in general, too.

“in this kind of comic is usually characters are just in love with someone but no anyone else”

This is very true and also partly why saying anything one way or another is quite difficult. In the story, the characters are in love with one other person, but you can’t make assumptions or conclusions based on just that. Just because you’re in a same-sex relationship doesn’t mean you’re a homosexual. Whenever I wonder about the orientations in 19 Days, I try to keep this in mind but I also feel like the vagueness allows readers to make multiple interpretations. I get certain vibes that point me in certain directions but I completely understand if others end up with other kinds of readings.

However, this kind of “he’s only gay for him” is also something I’ve seen BL been criticized for. It makes it look like men being attracted to other men isn’t a real thing but rather something that happens under special circumstances. Personally, I don’t have a major problem with that - it is what it is, I suppose - but I can see why that would bother people in BL. Do I wish some characters (for example, JY) would come out as LGBT at some point in the story (if you don’t think he already has)? Sure, I’d be interested in seeing that. And I think it would be a natural development for his character. Do I think that’s going to happen? I’m somehow doubtful, not at least in so many words. But that doesn’t really mean the comic can’t tell a story about discovering oneself, as we’ve already come to see.

Thank you for your question, dear anon-san!

[cuntess-carmilla]

If you followed me recently for That post about US imperialism...

Since that post seems to have died out for now, I feel it’s finally time to address some things. A ton of people started following me from That post going viral. I want to warn anyone new that this is not a politics blog.

I post about politics pretty often, but it’s above all a personal blog. If you followed me to get a charge-free political science class or some shit like that then you’re out of luck. I’m not a walking lesson. My life, thoughts and emotions aren’t a learning experience or case study for anyone. I’m a human being.

Now, some warnings:

I’m a man-hating dyke, this is an unironic misandry zone. I really fucking hate men and I’m not and will never be apologetic about that. If you think that this somehow excludes oppressed men you’re wrong lol (I’m looking at you, gay and bi dudes). I don’t wish men oppression because I don’t wish that on anybody even if I hate them. I’m not gonna be automatically rude to men as individuals unprovoked, but I ABSOLUTELY will if I’m given reason to do so, and I will not filter out my words whenever I whine about how much I fucking hate men in general. Got it? Good.

White women are insufferable too tbh.

Also speaking of men AND white people, please read the first fucking line of my very short description. It’s right there, for fuck’s sake. White women or otherwise white non-men, this includes you. I stg I’ve rarely had moc follow me since I put that in my description but a ton of white bitches seem to think that “men OR whites” = white MEN. No, baby. It means you girlies and gentlethems too. <3

I’m not too found of body-abled people or allistics either! Also of doctors and shrinks.

Specifically when it comes to psychiatry and psychology, I’m anti-psych/mad pride. No, I don’t think all the issues that psychiatry and psychology often poorly attempt to address are “fake”. Come on, I have many of those Issues myself and I’ve seen real human suffering by multitudes. It’s much more complex than believing none of those things are real. Click here if you want more details on my views on this.

Wlwoc, twoc and disabled woc are the people I prioritize most of all, lesbians in particular when it comes to wlwoc, but I do NOT tolerate biphobia, as I don’t with transphobia and transmisogyny either (as much as I’ll admit I’m not infallible with any of those because I’m not part of any of the affected groups*, but I do try). All of that said, I do not give passes to people for lesbophobia. I have done it in the past in specific situations, but not anymore. I don’t care who you are or what your intentions were. I’m sick and tired of it.

I don’t take kindly to people sexualizing me without my explicit consent. I don’t want to ever receive comments about my tits or whatever EVEN IF YOU’RE A WLW OR A GAY MAN. Call me pretty and shit like that if you want, but if you cross this boundary I’m cussing you out and blocking you immediately. The only person in the world who has my consent to sexualize me is my fiancé. I’ve had this happen to me too many times and I’m TIRED of it.

I’m extremely whiny. Complaining is one of my major hobbies. It’s an art. I’ve mastered it through the years. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I can get really annoying when giving my Opinions and like, I’m a multiple Scorpio with a lot of Virgo and some relevant Aquarius so I’m a highly opinionated bitch. I’m the personification of “AND ANOTHER THING...!”

I rant a lot even when I’m not being a pissbaby! I’m a VERY silent autistic offline and, as I’ve mentioned in recent posts, my brain NEVER shuts up so in turn I don’t ever shut the fuck up online because I infodump and vent everything I don’t out loud in here! Among many other things, I often rant about interests the majority of the population doesn’t share with me. I will, in particular, post often about goth music and the goth subculture in general. I mean, I don’t get why anyone would be surprised about that after taking a look at my blog for 0.1 seconds, but I HAVE, incredibly, been unfollowed for Goth On Main Crimes. Also I’m not kidding when I say that this is me when I’m talking about music:

Also astrology. I like astrology a lot and I’m also that picture ^ when it comes to infodumping and theorizing around astrology. I do it a lot less now than I used to a while ago though.

Sometimes I post VERY triggering content. I try to TW as appropriately as possible while dealing with brain fog, but keep that in mind. This includes when I vent about my personal life, feelings and trauma. I don’t filter myself much on that end and that includes talking about csa and other forms of sexual abuse/assault, lesbophobia, allistic abuse, peer abuse (”bullying”) and suicide.

I use the words “cunt”, “slut” and “bitch” very liberally, in case you couldn’t tell on your own yet. Reason for that: I’m Chilean. If that bothers you, the door is wide open.

If we’re not friends or at least mutuals and I haven’t asked for advice, please refrain. Unless you’re being rude or inappropriate I won’t attack you or anything, but it makes me uncomfortable.

English is my second language and I’m developmentally disabled and brain fogged from my chronic illness, so prepare for me sometimes messing up grammar and all that. Hell, I do it in Spanish too when it gets bad enough.

I practice what I can most accessibly (if begrudgingly) describe as “witchcraft”. I don’t talk about it often here but I do from time to time. Jic, I’m not pagan.

*I’m not cis, I’m a non-binary lesbian. However, I’m still a TME lesbian at that and I don’t think MY experiences are materially comparable to those of trans people (including non-binary ones), so I choose, individually, not to identify as trans. This by no means implies that I think non-binary people aren’t trans or that I have any place to decide who among us gets to identify as trans or not, including non-binary people who’re similar to me. This is all only about how I feel about myself.

[eats-the-stars]

ok so i’m probably not going to word this the best, but I think I’ve finally convinced my bro-in-law-to-be (white, straight) that he can’t keep making homophobic/racist jokes around the house or out in public. and for context, he’s actually not a very racist/homophobic dude, but when he hangs out with his dude friends (a group that includes one gay dude, a bi guy, and a black guy) they all tend to throw around those kind of jokes in good humor. which is fine if they’re out laughing it up or whatever. but...not around the house, when none of those people are present to reciprocate.

and the bro-in-law-to-be has explained over and over that “my gay/black friend was the one who said this joke so it’s cool for me to tell it” but...his gay friend is not here to laugh at the joke. his black friend is not here to laugh at his joke. The only people in this house are me (white nonbinary ace or lesbian i’m still figuring it out, also autistic), my sister (white, bi), and our straight white dad who is very racist/homophobic but usually keeps it on the down low since he knows that we do not share his views and WILL debate him if he makes a nasty comment.

So our dad is usually quiet about his messed up thoughts...UNLESS someone says something to indicate “Hey, I’m racist/homophobic, just like you!” and makes it a safe space to suddenly start talking about “the Chinese virus” or “businesses should be allowed to refuse service to gays” and all this other horrible stuff, which then means that my sister and I have to go through another grueling debate with our dad about how “eugenics is bad” and “refusing to bake a cake leads to refusing to lease an apartment and it’s a slippery slope” and EVERY TIME the bro-in-law-to-be has been like “wow i didn’t know your dad thought those things” while my sister and I are like “AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN IF YOU STOPPED TELLING THESE JOKES AND ENCOURAGING HIM TO BE OPENLY RACIST/HOMOPHOBIC.”

I can’t believe we had to explain to my bro-in-law-to-be that ppl who are racist/homophobic keep an ear out for these kind of jokes in order to recognize each other. A joke is the safest way for them to test the waters. If it’s poorly received, they can just brush it off and go “oh it was just a joke, guys, it wasn’t serious, I don’t really think those things, haha.” BUT it also provides the option for ppl to laugh and go “oh yes, that’s a good joke, i’ll tell you an equally horrible joke to prove that i share your beliefs.” and BAM, they’ve identified a fellow racist/homophobe/etc. and now know that they can talk openly in front of this person, or look to them for support if an argument breaks out. And then suddenly the space you’re in has the potential to become very ugly very fast if the majority of people signal that they’re comfortable with this, and then, if you’re a person who doesn’t agree, you have to either step up and try to shut that shit down and potentially put yourself at risk (which can range from actual physical risk to the emotional/mental damage that comes with listening to someone say terrible things about a group you belong to).

And my bro-in-law-to-be has the luxury of not belonging to any of these groups. Which means that if he makes a stupid joke at the wrong time that lights the racist/homophobic/ableist fire in the room, he’s not at risk of getting burnt. At most he’s going to be uncomfortable or feel like “wow that’s horrible” but he won’t actually be at RISK in the same way my sister and I will be. The way anyone else in that room who’s black or gay or autistic will be once he starts that ball rolling.

And right now we’re trying to focus on him not starting those fires inside our house, around our dad. Because my sister and I have tried very hard over the years to try to talk our dad out of a lot of his shitty mindsets and it’s slow progress, but we’ve managed to convince him of small things over time. he’s a lot less ableist and sexist, for example. Those were easier to work on because he has three daughters (us) and we milked that angle hard, and because I’m autistic, which we also milked hard since i was able to convince him to look at me as having expertise about disabilities that made him value my opinion. We’ve also made strides on the homophobia front, too. If I ever figure out that i like girls (still working on that) and actually date a girl, I think he would be uncomfortable at first, but he wouldn’t reject me as his daughter or anything. likewise, if my sister (bi) broke up w/her boyfriend and started dating a girl, he would probably accept that. We know this mostly because our dad apparently thought that our youngest sis (the irony is she’s the only straight one) was dating her bff in high school and was cool with it. Might have a harder time if, like, his grandson turned out to be gay (he’s more accepting of lesbians/wlw??), but we’re working on it, and we got him to accept using our trans friend’s chosen name and pronouns instead of his deadname, which took time (i’m still not out to him as nonbinary, tho. my sister and online peeps are the only ppl who know right now). So we’ve made progress!

But THEN my bro-in-law has to throw dad a bone with these lame jokes that are uncomfortable to hear coming out of his mouth in the first place (why is it always a cis straight white guy who thinks he can tell any kind of joke as long as he “doesn’t mean it”?) and so this has brought back a lot of those old beliefs in our dad that we’ve been trying to smother. These last few years under Trump have already set him back, ngl, but bro-in-law-to-be was not helping.

it’s also so hard to try fighting racism in our dad, partly because our area is so white and most of our POC friends don’t live here anymore (so far our best success is directly exposing him to a person belonging to the group he hates, and slowly letting him see that they’re human. he’s so non-confrontational that he’s not going to say anything in front of the person, either, and we supervise the whole time, and inform our friend beforehand–our trans friend volunteered to help us previously). and you can’t just say “black lives matter because they’re human beings with intrinsic value equal to a white life” because...he’s racist. he’ll debate you all day or say “ok ok” and let the subject drop w/out changing his mind. you literally have to force him to regularly have positive reactions w/a real life person to change him. god...it’s like training a dog or exposure therapy or something but it’s the best we’ve got. it’s not like there’s a school where u can send ur racist parents to learn human decency.

and it’s hard because he’s our dad and we love him and it’s hard to look at someone you love and know that he believes that straight white abled lives have more intrinsic value than anyone else...just because. i hate that we live in a society where so many ppl hate each other for these things. and it’s just...up to everyone else in their lives to decide to do anything about it. and even then, it’s so hard. and our dad is just one person, and we’ve had years and the benefit of him loving us enough to listen. i can’t imagine trying to reform a stranger, or tons of ppl all at once...

[cabbagebender]

Keith? Oh and Hunk?

Ahh, thanks for the ask! From this headcanon ask game:

Hunk

Age:

Supplementary canon: 17 - 18 in Seasons 1-6, 18-19 in Seasons 7-8.

Headcanon: I take the birthdays and ages in the Paladin Handbook as if the book were written on January 1st, so Hunk is only three months younger than pre-space whale Keith, and he's closer in age to (psw) Keith than to Lance.

Ethnicity:

Supplementary Canon: Half Samoan, half African-American.

Headcanon: Samoan on his dad's side, African-American on his mom's. Yes, I have his entire family figured out. They were relatively major characters in a fic I was hyperfixated on writing for a few months.

Gender:

Sure!

Which is to say, I've entertained pretty much every gender headcanon there is for Hunk except cis girl.

Mental Health:

Anxiety

I've considered Hunk as having ADHD before

Physical Health:

I saw a colorblind headcanon for Hunk once and like, I can get behind that?

Also, I think it'd be tragically amusing if Hunk had a food allergy that piSSED him oFF because it keeps getting in the way of him trying dishes he really wants to try

Orientation:

Bi/Pan (I go back and forth on which label I use for him, but the sentiment remains the same – all genders)

Most of the time I headcanon him as someone who, well, doesn't necessarily actively identify as arospec, but acknowledges that he has NO idea how to differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction. He just? loves people? Once the other person is like "this is what our relationship is" it's a lot easier for him to then develop his feelings along the appropriate track, but like, for example, if Pidge, his best friend who he has a 100% platonic relationship with and has never wanted anything different from, was suddenly like "hey, i wanna date you!" he probably would be like "yeah, okay, sure, we can try that!" (he might be confused because Pidge hasn't historically been romantically attracted to people. But if he was convinced she was serious). And that's not because he's secretly harboring romantic feelings for her, he's just sort of down for developing romantic feelings for any of his most special people at a moment's notice – OR for nurturing a hearty platonic love that can never be broken.

I have written him as more alloromantic, though – but he always values his friendships as much as his romances.

Poly Hunk poly Hunk poly Hunk P O L Y

(The Hunk-and-Allura polycule is one of my favorite little brain things, borne out of the fact that I keep shipping those two with the same people)

Religious Background and Current Beliefs

Protestant Christian to both of the above, of the "be generous and love thy neighbour" variety

Keith

Age:

Supplementary canon: 18-19 in S1-5, 21 in S6-8

Ethnicity:

Half Korean-American on his human side.

(In human!AUs, I have him as half Korean-American, half-English-American. The biggest empire in recent history is the British Empire, so I usually make humanized Galra characters English for parallel reasons)

(which is funky bc I've done a LOT of human AUs, which means in my head I sort of think of Keith as mixed white/Korean but in the actual show he's none white)

Gender:

Agender

The hair. It's been growing out for years. It's Keith's (lack of) gender affirmation project.

Sometimes I have them eventually going by K and using they/them pronouns.

Mental Health:

ADHD

Autism

Prosopagnosia (face blindness)

Desperate, desperate need of a therapist

Physical Health:

Lots of fun funky alien biology side effects that made his doctors twitch when he was a supposedly all-human kid:

I've seen headcanons that Keith can't digest vegetables because of his Galra heritage. I'm not sure if I hold that headcanon 100%, because he is still half-human, but I definitely agree that Galra are carnivores (look at the teeth) and Keith is probably malnourished. Even his human parent is big and buff and Keith... is not. If he'd been raised by his dad throughout his childhood maybe he would have grown up beefier and taller (since I'm sure his dad probably at least somewhat understood the Galra diet from having lived with Krolia), buuut his dad died when Keith was prepubescent and then he was in the foster system and... yeah he probably wasn't getting the optimized diet for his particular interspecies genetic makeup.

I like to think that he grew up with a couple of Very Strange Health Conditions that turned out to just be Galra things, like UV vision and two sets of baby teeth and ridges of bone protruding from.his scalp like Acxa has (hello, big poofy bangs to hide that).

Also, any time he had to do a blood test or a urine test at the doctor's it just... did not provide anything resembling useful information.

Doctor: I... don't know what I'm looking at here exactly but we've run the test multiple times and this seems to be your actual blood? How do you have this much iron in your blood?? Maybe eat... less meat?

Hunk, looking at the same results years later, having adjusted for Galra heritage: Keith, you're anemic.

Keith: are you KIDDING me

(see: Keith is malnourished)

Like most real life interspecies hybrids, I think Keith is probably incapable of natural reproduction.

Orientation:

Asexual

Aromantic

But like also sometimes he feels intense things for people that are different from his usual platonic bonds, but the word romantic is all lovey dovey to him and he Can't attach that to the complicated place his feelings are coming from so ??? Is he actually aro?? or does he just have Stuff way too deeply seated to ever process his romantic attraction in a clear and conventional way?? does it make a difference at this point, if the word aro is what's comfortable for him? aka, stuff keith ponders alone in his room at 2:30 in the morning

(If you want my specific headcanons about Who "people" are, it's Allura and Hunk – his hella strong but also kinda messy emotional connection with Allura, where he's just like "I know this is different from every other bond in my life but Please do not ask me to explain idk the Fuck is going on," and the fact that every time Hunk grabs him or picks him up or otherwise manhandles him his brain just shuts down like "oh this is good please continue to make hold" when it SHOULD be going into fight mode the way it would for anyone else)

Religious Background and Current Beliefs

I honestly don't know what Keith's background would be, but I think he's sort of... generally agnostic? Like, he believes in a higher power but not necessarily a sentient one or something to be worshipped. It's more like a big spiritual pulse through the multiverse that connects everything and everyone – fate, but with free will. It's what he taps into to access his nigh psychic abilities, which I've talked about before but maybe not since I made this sideblog so let me know if you want me to make a post about that.

[clandestinesmeetings]

a re-introduction of a swiftie named tarah

hi y'all. I've been on tumblr since I was like 14 years old, and back in the 1989 era I was super active as a mostly-taylor blog, but life kind of took over. I love the sense of community in this fandom, but although I have like 1.7k followers, there's barely any personal interaction, and it makes me sad. I want to KNOW y'all, and I want y'all to KNOW me :) so I figured I'd do a lil re-introduction of myself, and then at some point soon fix the shithole of a blog this is if you look at it on a computer (yikes @ my theme from a gazillion years ago).

my name is Tarah and I'm 22 (23 on thursday! RIP being 22). I'm from new jersey, but I go to college in massachusetts. this coming semester is my last! I'm a women & gender studies major and poli sci minor, but I want to go to grad school for student affairs. I identify as bi and ace/demi, and I'm chronically ill, so I'm very passionate about lgbtq and disability issues particularly, as well as all feminist/activist issues.

I've been a swiftie since I was 12 (~2009), and my first concert ever was the speak now tour with my best friend who is still just as much of a swiftie as I am. my current girlfriend ALSO happens to be a huge swiftie, which is the wildest coincidence ever. we went to the reputation tour two summers ago back at the beginning of our relationship. folklore, red, and speak now are my favorite tswift albums, but they all have special places in my heart. tay followed me and liked a few of my posts back in the 1989 era, and it's still wild to me that she knows I exist!

I love to write, mostly poetry (one time I had a poem do quite the rounds on this site) and short stories. I also love photography, both film and digital, and have been taking classes in both at college. I may share some work here from time to time! I'm known to my friends as the girl who has a huge stash of tea under her bed, who they can always come to for advice, and who will never shut up about intersectional feminism, politics, or taylor swift. I'm very outgoing and a people-person despite my anxiety, and I'd love love love to get to know y'all. please feel free to introduce yourselves on this post, message me, ask me questions, whatever!

💕🌿✨

[chasholidays]

bellarke but clarke and murphy have a weird understanding slash ride or die friendship that they don’t admit to

according to my notes, this also coincidentally fulfills @pepperf’s prompt for Bellamy in makeup, so although tumblr will not let me tag you I hope you see this anyway

Before Clarke and Murphy became friends, Clarke didn’t really think Murphy had friends. He was the kid who sat in the back of every class and made sarcastic comments and never seemed to really interact with anyone else. If someone had told Clarke that he just ceased to exist when he exited her line of sight, she would have believed them. He certainly never seemed to do anything with a lasting impact.

And then, he shows up at the first GSA meeting of tenth grade.

As someone who joined thinking she was on the “straight” side of the alliance, Clarke does get that not everyone who joins the GSA is gay, but she has trouble imagining Murphy just showing up to be a supportive ally. Even if he is somewhere on the LGBT+ spectrum, Clarke is still kind of shocked he’s showing up. She didn’t think Murphy participated in groups of any kind.

Not that he really participates in GSA either. He introduces himself only as “Murphy” every time they go around the circle for names/orientations, and then he sits in the back and cracks quiet jokes when the opportunity arises. It’s like having another class with him, except that no one is forcing him to be there. This is what he chooses to do with his time.

“It’s weird, right?” she asks Finn. He doesn’t belong to the GSA, but she gives him the updates.

Finn shrugs. “I guess. Why do you care what Murphy does?”

“I just don’t get it.”

“You don’t have to understand everything, princess,” he teases, and Clarke just rolls her eyes. Obviously she doesn’t have to understand, but she still wants to.

Sign-ups for the group trip to Pride happen in May, and Murphy is behind her in line, so he’s there when Taylor asks, “You’re coming, Clarke?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Pride is for LGBT members, not allies.”

“I’m bi, remember?” It’s still new, saying it out loud, a word that tastes clunky in her mouth, but it feels right. After she and Finn break up, she’d like to date a girl. That’s an experience she wants to have.

“Oh, well, still,” says Taylor, like that’s somehow all he needs to say.

Clarke’s eyebrows shoot up. “Still what?”

“Well, you’re with Finn. I feel like it doesn’t look good for straight-passing people to be in the group.”

Clarke’s jaw drops, and she’s glad it’s anger that floods her veins and not humiliation. Taylor’s never been her favorite person, but even from him, this is a lot.

Defenses crowd her mind, but so do the inevitable counterarguments. She’s had this debate with herself so many times, if she can really be bi if she’s never kissed a girl, how she can know, how she can consider herself a part of the community when she’s dating a guy. She got through all of those things for herself, but if Taylor doesn’t think she’s bi enough for Pride, she doesn’t have any better argument than “I think I am.”

Unexpectedly, Murphy pipes up. “Hey, dipshit, she’s bi, that means she can go to Pride. What’s the holdup?”

“And whybare you going, Murphy?” Taylor shoots back. “I still don’t know why you’re here in the first place.”

“You don’t get to vet people’s sexual orientations,” Clarke says. “We all heard Pride isn’t for allies, so anyone signing up is queer. Like me.”

“I’m asexual,” Murphy says. “Is that good enough for you? I’m genuinely curious,” he adds. “If you think bi girls with boyfriends don’t belong, I’m guessing you’re not real big on letters that don’t even make the main acronym.”

Taylor’s jaw works. “Obviously, if you think you should come, I can’t stop you, I just think you should consider that it’s not entirely appropriate for–”

“You know what? Fine. I’m not coming with you.” Clarke grabs a sharpie from the bucket on the desk, crossing her name out so hard it’s probably going to bleed through to the table. “But I’ll see you there. Because I belong there.”

She’s out of the classroom before she realizes Murphy followed her.

“If I stayed there I was just going to have to talk to Taylor,” he says, with a small shrug. “Didn’t seem worth it.”

Clarke smiles with half her mouth. “Yeah, I guess not. You want a ride to Pride?”

“If you’re driving, yeah.”

And just like that, they’re friends.

*

Junior year, motivated primarily by spite and a mutual dislike of Taylor, Clarke and Murphy start a Queer Student Union, open to everyone who identifies as queer. To Clarke’s surprise, Murphy not only cares about LGBT issues, he’s actually shockingly informed about them. He identifies as biromantic asexual, although he admits the biromantic part feels a lot more theoretical than the asexual part, mostly because he has yet to meet anyone he likes enough he wants to be romantic with them. But he’s theoretically open to it. He’s done a lot of reading on not only sexuality stuff, but feminism and general activism, mostly because he seems interested in it. Academically, he’s not the greatest, but he’s intellectually curious, likes learning when he’s engaged.

When Finn cheats on her a few months later, he eggs Finn’s car, which is one of those things that Clarke would never approve of and would have told him not to do if he asked, but since he didn’t and she had no idea until several days after it happened, she doesn’t have to even pretend to not be happy.

It feels like the kind of relationship that might not survive college, but they both end up in Boston. Clarke’s at Harvard because she’s that over-achieving legacy kid, and Murphy goes to UMass because Clarke pointed out he could actually get a BA in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies while still avoiding the classes he hates, which is his ideal learning environment.

It turns out he’s a good litmus test for her pretentious Harvard friends, less because he’s a good judge of character and more because it’s useful to see how other people react to him. Clarke doesn’t really care if they like Murphy–Murphy doesn’t care about being liked much–but how and why they dislike him and how they deal with it tends to give her some good insight into whether or not they’re worth befriending. She and Lexa break up in part because Murphy and Lexa never figure out how to coexist, while Murphy and Niylah’s weird friendship is part of why Clarke starts hooking up with her.

“He’s like all the parts of you that you want to pretend you don’t have,” Niylah observes one night, and Clarke frowns.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re supposed to be–The perfect princess. Rich, straight A’s, top of your class at Harvard. And then there’s Murphy, your excuse for not liking people. The scapegoat for all your worst instincts.”

“You have a very weird idea of what makes good pillow talk,” Clarke teases.

“I just think it’s interesting. Have you ever heard the term morality pet?”

“No, psych major.”

Niylah doesn’t bother responding to that. “It’s a concept in fiction. You’ve got a bad character you need to humanize, so they have a morality pet, the sympathetic character that they actually treat well, the one who’s there to make you think the villain isn’t all bad. Murphy’s your immorality pet. He’s the asshole you like because part of you is an asshole too.”

“I can’t believe this is what you think about right after sex.”

Niylah grins, rolls over for a kiss. “I just think it’s an interesting dynamic. The two of you simultaneously make each other better and worse people.”

“That sounds about right,” Clarke agrees, and tugs her closer, ending the talking for a while.

She and Niylah never get quite to being in a relationship, so when they graduate, they don’t break up so much as move apart. Niylah goes back to California, and Clarke stays in Boston in a cheap two-bedroom apartment with Murphy.

Sometimes, she thinks about what her ninth-grade self would think about her life: openly and comfortably bisexual, working in a museum instead of going to med school, living with John Murphy. Even her post-college self has trouble believing it’s real. But it’s good.

After six months of largely successful cohabitation when Murphy comes home late on a Saturday night with a giant bottle of flavored vodka and says, “We need to get drunk.”

Clarke never needs to be asked to drink shitty liquor twice. “Okay.”

Murphy roots around the fridge, frowning when all he finds is Coke and green powerade. “I thought we had lemonade.”

“Nope.”

“Well, this is going to taste shitty with the mixers we’ve got,” he says, frowning at the vodka, which is apparently raspberry flavored.

Clarke grabs the Coke. “If we drink the first one fast enough we won’t taste the second one.”

“Cheers to that,” says Murphy, and pours one generous slosh of booze into his world’s okayest sister mug and another into Clarke’s novelty Pikachu glass.

They’re adults.

After a glass and a half of raspberry-Coke vodka, Clarke asks, “Why are we getting drunk?”

“You need a reason?”

“I don’t, but it was your idea. What happened?”

Murphy makes a face, then drains his drink. “I think I’ve got a crush on a girl.”

It shouldn’t be unthinkable; romantic interest has always been a theoretical possibility for Murphy. He’s always said he could like someone, but Clarke sort of assumed he wouldn’t. It was just hard to imagine what Murphy with a crush would look like, and even harder to imagine Murphy’s type. What does he even like, in a person?

She wants to ask about a thousand questions, but she knows better. Murphy would just shut down. So instead she grabs the vodka, pours him more, and tops it off with what’s left of the Coke. “What girl?”

“She works at the pawn shop.”

John Murphy is probably the only person she knows who, in 2018, not only goes to a pawn shop, but goes to a pawn shop regularly enough to have developed feelings for someone who works there. It’s just so painfully Murphy.

“Is she just being polite to you because you’re a customer?”

He snorts. “She’s not polite to me. She’s an asshole. I keep trying to bring in stuff to sell and she tells me to get better shit.”

“That sounds about right, yeah.”

“So what do I do?”

“Can you just ask her if she wants to get a drink sometime?”

He pulls a face. “Pass.”

“Can you figure out a way to see her outside of the pawn shop without actually asking her?”

“I think she’s in a band.”

“So you got me drunk to agree to go to your crush’s concert with you? I’d do that anyway.”

“Isn’t that weird? Like–going to her concert?”

“How do you know she has a band?”

“She told me.”

“And the concert?”

“There’s a flyer by the register.”

“Did she ever mention it?”

“I asked her what it was and she said it was her band and they were decent.”

“So that seems like a pretty normal way to express interest in someone. You can just say you were curious or bored or whatever.”

“And you’re coming?”

“I’m coming.”

“Cool.” He groans and flops onto his back. “This already sucks.”

Clarke pats his shoulder. “You get used to it.”

*

Murphy’s crush’s name is Emori and she plays drums in a band called “Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space,’” which seems like a lot of name for one band, but Murphy tells her it’s an X-Files reference, so at least it makes some sense. There are four of them, two other women on bass and guitar, and the lead singer, a guy with messy black hair and sharp black eyeliner who looks too pretty to be a real person. He’s got a decent voice too, deep and kind of rough, an unvarnished kind of sound that Clarke feels down to her toes.

“Do you know any of the other ones?” she asks Murphy.

“Nope,” he says. “She was right, though, they’re not bad.”

“They aren’t.” She pulls her attention away from the lead singer to focus on Emori, taking her in. She’s cute, with a big face tattoo that must have hurt like hell to get, and long brown hair pulled away from her face by a red bandanna. She’s wearing a black tank top that leaves her shoulders bare, showing off more ink that clearly continues under the fabric.

She’s not who she would have pictured for Murphy, but she also doesn’t know who she would have pictured. She’s always thought Murphy’s type was more about personality than appearance.

Jose Chung’s “From Outer Space” are the first of three no-name local bands in the set, and Murphy, being the disaster that he is, wants to just leaveas soon they’re off the stage. But Clarke sees the lead singer making his way to the bar, so she makes a quick decision.

“I’m going to go make friends with the rest of the band,” she says. “If you want to run away, you can go, but you’re own your own.”

She doesn’t give him a chance to respond, but she hears some spluttered protests that let her know he is following her, and bites back on her smile. It’s definitely a little bit selfish, but only a little; Murphy did ask for her help. Sort of.

There’s just enough free space next to the singer for Clarke to wedge herself in, and the guy glances over, mildly curious, but doesn’t say anything. She checks around for Murphy, finds he’s hanging back, and leans in to murmur, “Sorry, I’m trying to force my friend to flirt with your drummer.”

The guy’s eyebrows go up. This close, he’s even prettier, tan skin dotted with freckles, a small scar placed perfectly to bring attention to his lips, the eyeliner the icing on the cake. “I’m not sure how this is helping your friend flirt with my drummer,” he replies, just as low.

“If I’m here, he can’t talk to me.”

“My drummer eats guys alive.”

“I think he’s into that. That seems to be his type.”

“Huh.”

Clarke flags down the bartender and orders a beer. “You guys are really good,” she offers.

“Thanks.”

Okay, so, he’s hot, but aloof, and a little too full of himself, if Clarke is honest. The band is really good, but they’re playing a small venue in Cambridge. They’re not big enough that he should be above talking to people, so it’s probably just a personality trait.

“What’s your friend’s name?” he asks, not looking at her.

“Murphy.”

“He probably doesn’t have a chance.”

Clarke shrugs. “I’ll be proud of him if he just gives it a try.”

“Low standards, huh?” says the guy.

“He doesn’t get out much.”

“So, how long do I have to stay here for this?”

Clarke blinks. “Sorry?”

“You’re hitting on me. How long do I have to stay?”

“I didn’t know you were in a big hurry to be gone. I assumed you were at the bar because you wanted a drink. But I can go hit on someone else. Is your bass player into women?”

That perks him up, because he’s apparently the kind of asshole who thinks girl-on-girl is hot. “Possibly, but she’s got a boyfriend right now. Sorry.”

Clarke cracks her neck as an excuse to look around. Murphy is talking to Emori and she’s smiling, which means Clarke’s work here is done and she can leave the surly asshole alone. It’s always a shame when a hot boy in eyeliner lets her down, but she’ll live. “Oh well. Murphy’s set, so you should have a good rest of the night.”

He looks a little surprised. “Oh, uh, yeah. You too.”

Clarke raises her glass in salute and slides away from him, moving down the bar to a less crowded spot. She doesn’t let herself look back to see if he’s watching her, but she does let herself hope.

It would serve him right.

*

Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, Murphy doesn’t come up with a better way to flirt with Emori than going to her shows, which means that Clarke is also going to her shows, to be a supportive friend, and getting to know Emori and by extension the rest of the band.

Emori, at least, she likes. She’s quick and funny and takes no shit, which is perfect for Murphy, and despite what the surly singer said, she does seem kind of fond of him. It’s hard to get a great read on her, but she keeps coming to talk to Murphy, and Clarke doesn’t think she’s the type to talk to people unless she actually wants to. Their whole relationship seems to be based on talking shit, but that’s got to be Murphy’s type.

Raven and Echo–the bass and guitar players, respectively–are cool too, easy for Clarke to hang out with while Murphy’s busy with Emori. She likes them all, really. It’s not a hardship.

Except that there’s Bellamy, too.

She does want to like Bellamy, but she can’t get over thinking he’s just kind of an asshole. He’s never really as aloof as he was that first night again, seems to warm up once he’s realized that Emori doesn’t seem to be planning to kick Murphy’s ass, but he’s still kind of cold. And part of her can’t help feeling like she should get over it, that it’s unfair of her to hold a grudge for one night, but she just can’t figure out how to get along with Bellamy.

She does try, but from what she can tell, he doesn’t. She asks him about the band and he deflects, talking about how they’re not really that good, it’s just a hobby. She asks what his real job is and he makes a face, says it’s boring. It’s not as if every conversation is like that, but she always feels like he’s not that interested in the conversation, like he’s waiting for her to just stop talking to him.

“So stop talking to him,” Murphy says, with a shrug. “Who cares?”

“Do you like him?”

“I guess. It’s not like I’m making him a friendship bracelet or anything. Does it matter?”

“You’re my barometer, remember?”

His eyebrows shoot up. “You want to date Bellamy?”

“No!” she says, but it’s too late. Murphy’s running with it.

“I guess he’s probably kind of hot? Not my type, but makes sense for you. And you’re pissed because he’s not interested.”

“I don’t know why you’re acting like this is news.” It seems like a safer tactic than arguing. “I told you I tried to flirt with him the first day, it obviously didn’t work.”

“Yeah, but you’re still pissed,” he says. “So you’re still into him.”

“I want him to be into me.” If she can’t tell Murphy these things, what good is he? “I don’t get why he’s not.”

“Okay, but if you’re not into him, who cares? He doesn’t like you, you don’t like him, no harm, no foul, right? Way better than the alternative.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong. He should like me. At least as a person.”

“I think he’d be good for you.”

That actually does surprise her; she’s not sure he’s ever offered an unsolicited opinion on whether or not she should date someone.

“You do?”

“Yeah, probably. He’s a pretty decent guy and we have fun hanging out. Doesn’t take my shit and gives as good as he gets.”

“But he’s not into me, so I don’t know why we’re having this conversation.”

“Because you wanted to talk about him. You started it.”

“I was complaining.”

“You complain about him a lot.” Murphy groans. “Look, like him, don’t like him, I don’t give a shit. But if you don’t like him, stop caring what he thinks, stop talking to him, and let it go.”

It’s exactly what she should be doing; she flops onto his stomach with a groan of her own. “I hate you she says.”

“Yeah, I know.”

*

“So, I owe you an apology.”

It’s a week after her conversation with Murphy and Clarke has admitted, at least privately, that she still wants to make out with Bellamy and still might kind of like Bellamy, despite all logic and reason.

And now he’s smiling at her, nervous and casual in a t-shirt and glasses at Raven’s game night, and she has no idea what’s happening.

“You do?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Why don’t you just tell me what you’re talking about and we can go from there? Because I’m kind of lost.”

He clears his throat. “So, uh–I didn’t know Murphy’s name was John.”

“And you’re apologizing to me for that?”

“The first night we met you said your friend was flirting with Emori, and I knew she liked this customer of hers named John, so I thought you were distracting me so some asshole she didn’t like could slobber all over her. So I was annoyed.”

“And you only just realized Murphy was her customer crush?” she asks, stuck between amusement and disbelief. “It’s been months!”

“I know! I thought he just got lucky and she liked him, but then she said John was coming tonight and I said I hadn’t met him and the rest of the band made fun of me for like an hour.”

“It kind of sounds like you deserved it.”

He ducks his head, smiling sheepishly, and Clarke smiles too. “Anyway, I feel like–I never knew how to explain without telling you I thought Emori was into someone else. And I still kind of thought you were a dick for trying to distract me with your feminine wiles.”

“I was joking!”

He laughs. “Yeah, uh–anyway. Sorry?”

“You don’t really have to apologize for that,” she says. “It’s not like you were–you’re pretty polite mostly. I thought you had a bad night. And didn’t like me much.”

“Yeah. But I want us to do better, so–can we start over?”

It’s strange, because part of Clarke feels like they never actually started. Like this is actually going to be their first try.

Which makes it easy. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

It should fix all her problems, or at least all the problems she’s admitting she has, but less than two weeks later she slams a bag into the island and says, “I bought vanilla vodka and orange juice and I want it to taste like a creamsicle.”

“Won’t work but okay,” says Murphy. “What did Bellamy do?”

“Who says it’s about Bellamy?”

“Can we skip the bullshit and you just tell me?”

Clarke considers. “Drink first.”

They make it through the first round and then Clarke says, “He likes me now.”

“And you hate him?”

“No, I still want to make out with him.” She sighs. “You were right, I’m totally into him, and now we’re getting along, and everything sucks. He’s really cute.”

Murphy takes another drink of his vanilla screwdriver. “So ask him to make out. At least you’re not trying to tell him you’re into him but not into sex and you’ve never actually dated anyone before. Why are you complaining?”

“Have you figured out a way to mention you’re ace yet?” she asks.

“Nope. It doesn’t really come up in conversation. No one’s like, how much does everyone love sex? They just assume the answer is a lot and don’t bother asking.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Keep complaining about your thing, that helps.”

She flops onto her back. “He’s just so pretty.”

Murphy pats her leg. “Yeah, that sucks.”

*

Murphy’s problem seems easier to solve than hers, especially in early May. Clarke gives it a week and then, when they’re out drinking with the whole band, asks, “Oh, is anyone going to Pride? Do you guys need a ride?”

“You’re going to Pride?” Echo asks.

“She’s bi,” Bellamy says, even though Clarke’s never told him that. “Or pan?” he adds, glancing at her for approval.

“I usually go with bi, but as long as it covers no gender preference I’m good.”

“I’m biromantic asexual,” says Murphy. Clarke didn’t warn him, but he’s pretty quick with this stuff.

“We always go to Pride because that’s how we got to be friends. Some asshole in our high-school GSA told us neither of us belonged there because we weren’t queer enough.”

“Jesus Christ,” says Bellamy. “Well, I could use a ride.”

Clarke will admit to startling, just a little. She didn’t really think anyone in the band was queer, had just wanted to give Murphy an excuse to share his sexuality. It was always possible she’d get a taker, but it hasn’t seemed likely.

But Bellamy wants to join them. If he’s gay, that kind of sucks, at least for her. But he’s bi or trans–into women at all and queer, basically–he might be her dream guy.

“I know it’s shitty to ask why people want to go to Pride, but I still want to know,” Murphy says.

“Also bi,” says Bellamy, so, yeah. Clarke wants to marry him. “I’ve never actually been to Boston Pride, though. I don’t like going alone.”

“Then you should definitely come with us,” says Clarke, and he gives her one of his melting smiles.

“Thanks.”

“Can I come along as a supportive outsider who would happily make out with a girl if the opportunity presented itself?” Emori asks.

“Definitely,” says Murphy. “Just don’t talk about ally pride or whatever and we’re good. And kiss a girl if you can, I hear it’s cool.”

Echo’s interested to learn that he’s never kissed a girl, and she and Emori and Raven get drawn into that conversation, leaving Clarke and Bellamy off on their own.

“So, that first day we met,” she says.

Bellamy cocks his head. “What about it?”

“I asked if anyone else in the band liked girls and you kind of–” She shrugs. “I thought you were one of those guys who thinks girls kissing is hot and for your benefit. But you were excited I was queer.”

He laughs. “Shit, I didn’t know you noticed. But yeah, I always like meeting more bisexuals. I was rethinking you.”

“Where did you end up?”

“What do you mean?”

She smiles. “You rethought me, so–what did you end up thinking of me?”

He bites the corner of his mouth, glances over at his band mates. They’re not paying attention that Clarke can tell, but she knows Murphy still has part of his focus on the two of them. The rest of the band probably does too. That’s the kind of group dynamic they have going.

Bellamy must be thinking the same thing. “You want to get another round?” he asks.

“Maybe at another bar.”

He laughs again, this bright, pleased laugh, at odds with his rock-star makeup. “Yeah, that sounds right.”

Outside, he says, “I thought I should have picked you up when I had the chance. I was kicking myself for–I’m still kicking myself for not flirting back.”

Her own smile creeps up, starting small but never stopping growing. “You still could.”

“We could just get a drink at my place.”

“I’d love to.”

*

“How much do you think Taylor Macdonald would hate us going on a double date to Pride with our straight-passing partners?” Clarke asks.

Bellamy pauses in his application of glitter to Murphy. Apparently he’s as good as makeup as he is because he taught his sister how to do hers, which works out really well. Clarke sucks at makeup; it’s nice that they have complementary skill sets.

“Straight passing?” he asks, dubious.

“His words.”

“Dick.”

Murphy grins. “I figure if I’m pissing off Taylor Macdonald, I’m doing something right. I hope every time I’m happy, he feels like someone walked over his grave.”

Clarke offers her hand and he high-fives her; Emori smiles. “I’m starting to see why the two of you are such good friends. It didn’t quite add up before.”

“Spite and stubbornness,” says Clarke.

“Our main motivations in life.”

“Exactly,” says Emori. “It makes perfect sense.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Bellamy teases, but Clarke just smiles.

“Whatever. We’ve got it all figured out.”