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antiloreolympus · 3 years ago

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8 Anti LO Asks

1. It doesn’t really make sense for a long term comic such as LO to have such a drastic change in the artstyle, and even more you can’t really call it an improvement when all the interesting parts of the art style are now gone and all that it is now it’s just some basic same-face and body art style with barely any backgrounds. RS is incredibly talented for illustrative artwork and it’s really a shame she’s not doing that anymore and instead has left it to her team, with leaving them very messy sketches. The artstyle in the beginning had life and glamour and now it’s just very dull and boring. That’s not an improvement

2. I genuinely can’t think of any man in LO that’s even half way decent. Poseidon maybe? Hephaestus? Those are the only two I can manage, meanwhile the rest are either Rachel purposely ruining them because of her own biases (Zeus, Apollo, Thanatos to an extent) or are “good” men who are just creeps who disrespect all the women around them and are super creepy and obsessed over a literal teenager who acts like a child (Hades, Ares, Hermee, Eros, etc). The women aren’t much better either.

3. About Perse making Hades childish: (this is no way defending him, just some speculation, and tbh I doubt that RS has thought this through haha) I wonder if he becomes a horny teenager around her because she’s a goddess of fertility? Would that have any affect on him? Doesn’t excuse his creepy ass behavior, but could explain it a bit, I guess?

4. Okay so I'll be honest I dont really see any reason to 'simp' over Any of the LO characters?

Also, not to start sh*t, but - I think part of the reason why some of the LO fandom does not like Zeus (and perhaps gives Hera more leeway - at least in terms of cheating) is because:

Mythologically Zeus is a known cheater / rapist (Io for example, or Semele)

They see Hera cheating a Zeus as okay (its not) because he's been known to cheat on her in the past / fans see Hera cheating on Zeus with Hades as 'justified revenge' for what he's (Zeus) put her through

I'll be honest I dont really see Zeus (or Hades for that matter) as good rulers because

Despite other deities (like Eros) doing 'acts of wrath' - they get away with it because they often have someone to back them up (like Aphrodite offering to sleep with Zeus to get her son out of trouble) - but the one time Persephone does something wrong (an act of wrath) - Zeus wants to give her the Prometheus treatment - mainly so he can feel like an in control king whos subjects respect him

The reason this sound so odd is because of RS writing choices. Zeus is a grade A d*ck who is willing to destroy a 'young girls promising career' because she made 1 mistake that one time. But at the same time the act of wrath is framed oddly because Demeter doesn't want her daughter to get in trouble so she covers it up (its like the equivalent of hiding a murder from the cops).

Zeus wanting to Prometheus Kore seems overly harsh because she is a Child. (Well a teenager) - so it adds to the "Zeus is a d*ck" card, because she doesnt have the life experience to "get away with" stuff like the other deities because she is young AND sheltered.

Like again, the whole concept of Human Laws applying to Gods is so confusing:

Would Zeus have been this harsh if Demeter had simply come forward in the first place about Persephone's murder rampage? Why did she blackmail / get other deities involved to cover it up? Is Zeus THAT much of a d*ck in Demeters eyes that she knows he would harshly punish a child for something "she didnt mean to do" (killed mortals based on a feeling?)

Why is there a motherf*cking trial in the first place? Do All the other deities get the right to a fair trial or is this a special case? (Like can any deity just offer to sleep with Zeus and he'll let them off the hook?). If the other deities had commited the same crime would the trial / punishment be the same or does Zeus just have a rage boner because he was lied to? If thats the case then why are the other deities taking Persephones side during the trial? (Ares I can maybe understand cause hes the God of War and stuff but everyone else is taking Perse's side because their either her personal friend or family member (Hecate, Hermes, Demeter, Hades etc).

Why are there certain laws like "Zeus cant get to Persephone because she has clemency in the underworld" but other deities - including Leto, Demeter and others (like Perse's nymph family) can just stroll into Hades house? Why is Hermes still on house arrest? Why are Hades + Persephone throwing a house party when shes on trial for scythe crimes??!!!

Why are the gods bound by such petty squabbles?

The way RS set up the governing "laws" in universe just doesnt make a whole lotta sense. Also, sorry this got ramblely.

5. Tbh i don’t think that Hades acting differently when he’s with Persephone is a bad thing, as a concept. But there are many issues with this such as the fact that Persephone is barely legal and Hades act like an actual child around her. Obviously when you’re with someone they are going to act different than they do when they are at work. The problem is that Hades essentially goes from the “cold-scary king” to a 17 year old hormonal boy when he’s with Persephone. And him making out with her in a middle of a store or them golfing with diamonds or him making out with Persephone again in front of his workplace is not exactly acceptable behaviour from a king. If Hades acts all lovey-dovey with Persephone when their at their home together it’s different, but when they’re at a public place they can’t really do that. I would say that he has to keep a status about him but from what we’ve seen all the citizens of the underworld hate him and don’t respect him at all, from yelling at him to actually fighting with him, so idk how much status there is actually attached to him

6. I swear, the majority of the “cute” HxP moments in LO just seem like a single father dealing with his hyperactive 8 year old over the supposed future intimidating rulers who Rachel is obsessed about talking and drawing their sex life. Is it really that hard to depict Persephone even acting like a smart teenager at the very least, as opposed to an airhead grade schooler? It doesn’t scream cute to me, it seems more like a father/daughter relationship. It’s just weird.

7. i mean, i have a LO oc who's persephone's brother (fertility god) between demeter and zeus. dude got thrown into tartyrus to cover up the affair and now serves cronus. he was the god of summer, and my reasoning was demeter's seasons/harvest + summer thunderstorms. wrote a whole minific i will never post about him and persephone realizing everyone around them are assholes and healing together. so the mistress-of-zeus oc isnt that weird.

8. I’m not a Zeus stan by any means, but I do find him one of the most interesting characters, and one that RS has, in her attempts to make him be the worst ever to make Hades look better, actually way more interesting and compelling than the majority of the cast. He doesn’t lie or whine to the audience he’s some good person like Hades when he’s not, he owns that he’s a dick and doesn’t bullshit the audience into thinking he’s someone he’s not. RS tries to show us he’s a “bad” king, yet we see no proof it beyond what, he wants to uphold the law P broke and doesnt kiss Hades’ butt? That’s not a bad king, it’s a good one that he doesn’t let family ties or lust cloud his judgement, unlike Hades or Hera, for example. I don’t condone his cheating either, but it’s not fair to hate him for it, but love it that Hades cheated on Minthe so he could get into a teenager’s skirt and praise Hera for sleeping with her brother in law while punishing Zeus’ mistresses because she’s being a fake “loyal” wife. Just because he’s a deeply flawed, even a bad person doesn’t make him a bad character. Hades and Hera and even Persephone are awful people who do worse than Zeus, yet they’re loved and praised for it, all while being written with the depth of a puddle.

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

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rose-blooms-red · 4 years ago

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@universes-mystery you are a menace to society and I am in....so much pain

anyways, long story short, I have been convinced to make an updated fic post thingy after someone went through my blog and made me look at my old fics :’)

So!! uhh yeah Ro Fic Hype Post take 2 lmao, i have too many fics at this point so im just gonna link some that made me happy or just that i remember having a grand time writing.

Star Wars

“Be the Rarepair content you want to see in the world”: Listing all the ones from this series would take too long. Just know that these were all a joy to write and that there is a Large Variety lol.

not something that you put to bed: my first foray into soft wars! lmao, i was super nervous with this one lol but I do still like it more than i usually like my fics! And i was happy with how this one came out. It’s Edee squad centric, specifically Neyo and Fox interaction and yeah, there’s a reason i joke that my brand is trauma recovery dkjfskjdf.

don’t break the bottle: my second go at soft wars and I do still like this one, it’s Cody and Neyo centric, around Cody getting Neyo’s pledge and dealing with leftover stuff from Priest’s training. There’s things i’d def try and do better but, its nice and not as bad as i feared nkjdfjnd.

sins of the father: this is a second person Boba Fett character study and I do actually still adore it. it kicked off it’s own series actually, that I cowrite with @graaaaceeliz and has expanded far past what i thought would be just a tiny little oneshot to put my boba and jango feelings. It was a fun adventure into writing in a writing perspective i dont use much and helped me get a bit of a grasp on both Boba and Jango

and the whisper in your head goes quiet: another 2nd person Boba fic, made people mad at me jdfnsjkf. Includes the hc that Boba had a chip and it malfunctioned and Jango had the Kaminoans remove it.

the hum in the air (and the gentle love): was really nice to write and i do still love how soft it is,though there are things i’d def change. It’s a soft little codywan oneshot with poetry.

gentling the edges: Neyo and babies, im just...so soft, there is so much soft

little darling: Fox and babies, because i am so soft still over babies and the older clones okay.

you will be alone, always: was a fun one, made some people cry lol. Obi-Wan centric, canon compliant, with hints of QP Codywan.

love or the lack of it: Bly and Neyo centric, lots of fun to write lol. Soft wars, and im still quite pleased with it. a bit heavy, heed the tags.

the art of the mind: Soft wars, Jet and Bacara Centric. i loved exploring them more honestly, i kinda wanna do something else with them.

Messing around in the soft wars sandbox: now that i think about it, just linking this series might be better XD a lot of the next few I was going to put are from here. It’s basically just all fics set within the Soft War’s AU by @thefoundationproject lol

(give me) something soft: one of my first fics in the Star wars fandom, It’s Kix/Agen and I’m still super soft over this pairing and writing this made me v soft.

the burning heat upon my back: another one of my first few fics in the star wars fandom, It’s an Anakin introspection type piece as I was trying to figure out how to write him and getting settled in the fandom.

like a lazy ocean (hugs the shore): Wingfic, Kit Fisto centric, hinted possible kit/monnk. This was just hilarious to write lmao.

calm your mind and quell your fears: Wingfic, Obi-Wan centric, soft, QP Codywan fluff.

name the child innocence: was fun, Wingfic, Jango Fett centric, it’s a lot heavier than the other wingfics tho, so heed the tags.

childhood (strong and full of foreboding): apparently i really like doing explorations on trauma and how the past can shape you and how you can shape yourself in spite of the past and things like that kjdsnkjsdf. It’s told in various Clone’s p.o.v and switches between Anakin and Obi-Wan’s Not Fun Childhoods.

hold your heart (be still): Ahsoka and Rex bonding! set in the same universe as childhood!

the art of siblings is that sometimes you just wanna fight them: A lot of fun lol, batfam centric, the kids being Themselves and Dick is Exasperated lol

we lay here (for years or for hours): which is an introspection and sort of character study on dick that throws out any semblance of timeline or canon. trigger warnings for depressive and suicidal thought and major character injury

setting fire to our insides for fun (to distract our hearts from ever missing them): in which dick is sad, bruce is gone, and dick really just wants his dad, his sleep-deprived mind decides to be kind, because the world is not, this one made me sad

i have tried to hoard your love (and found it slipping through my fingers): a look at Jason and books, and the complex thing that is a childs need to be loved

fault lines: A fic about recovery and the difficulties, or; Dick Grayson and trauma, recovery, and his siblings. Something’s wrong with all of them but they work through it, eventually.

this one is a rough ride, still a WIP and it deals with a lot of heavy topics, flashbacks, trauma and discussions of the trauma, deaths, injuries, rape, broken relationships and dysfunctional ones, borderline abusive behaviour, talks about all of the above, and the healing process. Tread lightly with this one as it deals with heavy topics in it’s quest to say fuck you to certain dc writers.

Bnha

Shock: Kaminari feels, The dangers of electric quirks

Flicker: The Todoroki’s deserve better, Dabi is an angry child who misses his mama

All I’ve Ever Known: Genfic, Dabi is Touya, Fuck gender, Chronic pain, Touya/Dabi needs help

We go down swinging, My lovers and I: Shigadabihawks, Major Character Death, not a happy one folks.

#ro'swriting #mywriting #star wars #the clone wars #dc #bnha #Prez i hope you're happy now #I am in....#so much pain #smh #all my friends are bullies #long post #i am also only just now realizing how Not Good baby Ro was doing jksdfjksdfn #because of the fics i wrote back then #damn I was Having A Time wasn't I

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yandere-ac · 4 years ago

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I love your blog so much!! 💞💞💞💞 If you want to, maybe a yandere K.K. Slider 🥺👉👈

Yandere K.K. Slider X Reader

Star

(There were two requests for this but I accidentally deleted one because I’m a dumb fuck)

C / O/C = Coffee of choice

K.K. Slider was not your average dog. You see, he was a world famous celebrity who was popular for his music. He was a dog who had it all yet...had nothing. He had money, fame, friends, fans, people throwing themselves at him! But he’d never really felt happy with any of it. Because of his fame, people put him up on a pedestal. And become of THAT he couldn’t interact with anyone like a normal person. He was always THE world famous K.K. Slider to these people, not ever just K.K.

But he had to accept it, if he didn’t he’d have gone depressed by now. At least he wasn’t famous for doing something proper, then people would call him stuff like “Mr. Slider” good lord, then he would DEFINITELY be depressed. But still, he did have some close friends who treated him like an equal instead of some star.

In a studio not far off, a cat with fluffy white fur was storming around, checking so that everything was in place. He was wearing a white checkered muffler, topping it off with a brown paperboy hat. “Mic? Check! Guitar? Check! Amplifiers? Check! K.K.?...god damnit- where the hell is he at?” The felines tail whisked in annoyance as he pinched the bridge of his tiny, pink nose. “Umm...we don’t know sir-“ “stay here I’ll get him. Make sure everything’s in check, CRACK ON EVERYONE! ...this dog is going to be the death of me” He mumbles the last part under his breath as everyone around him continued to unload all of the equipment, walking at a brisk pace he was wondering how he got into this situation. The cat looked all over, in his lounge, all over the studio, he made multiple calls to him only to get no response. He knew that there was only one place left where he hadn’t looked. The roof. “God damnit Tota...” and so he climbed up the studio latter up to the roof, and sure enough. There he sat. Totakeke Slider.

“The latter again? When are you actually gonna climb like a normal Cat?” The white dog said, staring off into the distance, not turning around to look at the cat behind him. “Really Totakeke? The roof? What is this, the third time? Ye can’t just bunk off work when there’s a rehearsal about to begin” K.K. felt himself chuckle as he turned around to look at his frustrated friend. “Wow, three times now and you’ve yet to look up here first” he smiled, making the cat tense up. “Uh!- don’t change the subject! You’re the one who’s not at his own bloody rehearsal!” He approached his friend only to be pulled down to the ground next to him. “Chill out daddio. It’s in two hours” K.K looked out over the sky, letting out a wonderful sigh. “Yeah? And ye are supposed to be practicing! What happens if ye forget the lyrics? If ye forget what to play?” “Seamus” “if ye mess up the song?” “Seamus!” What if-“ K.K. grabbed ahold of his friends face, mushing his cheeks in between his paws. “Dude, chill out. I’m not gonna forget the lyrics to the songs. I wrote them!” K.K. said, letting out a little laugh at his agents spastic behaviour. Seamus face got light pink as he realized that he was rambling. “Ah yes of course...I’m sorry” K.K.s muffled laugh was now more amplified, he patted Seamus on the back as he did so. “No worries, I just wished you didn’t stress so much. I’m tellin ya, everyday I swear I can see grey hair on that scalp of yours” “dONT YER EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT TOTA!”

“Alright people lets wrap it up! Ye did good today!” K.K. was walking off stage when he heard the gentle pats against the floor, he knew who was approaching him. “What’s happening Shimo!” He turned around to greet the little penguin as she ran towards him. “O-Oh! Did you hear me? K.K.?” She asked, very much startled about the musicians ability to know she was coming. “The whole studio hear ye lass” Seamus was quick to reply as he helped the others with carrying all the equipments. “Ah! I see...eheheh” Shimo gave a sheepish smile as she scratched her neck. “Heh, well did ya need something butternut?” K.K. asked her. “Well...I was gonna ask...after the next show, would you maybe give two cans of yours private autographs?” She asked, twiddling her fins together. “Of course I can! I love giving fans autographs! Who are they?” He asked excitedly. He always loved giving back to his fans, back when he wasn’t as popular and more of a freelance artist he didn’t even make people pay for his music. But that was then. Now his agents where always pushing him to capitalise on his fame. So nowadays he always took any chance possible to give back to the ones who took him as to where he is now. “Well, they’re two kids, one of the is a boy. His name is joji, he’s a five year human and the other one is a girl, kim, also five and a human” “A human?! Hah! Haven’t seen me one o’ those for quite some time!” Seamus was, once again, quick to quip in. Was that true? He was gonna meet not one but two humans? He’d seen many humans before at his concerts and he’d met a few of them but it was always so interesting to see them. Because for every human there was at least 4 animals to accompany them. It was just much rarer to be a human than to be an animal. “Well I would love to, and I’m sure we can made time after the show right Seamus?” K.K. and Shimo turned to his agent whom only responded by looking at the pair with a displeased look. “Well...I guess if they’re willin ta stay for a while after the show than sure, I don’t see a problem” this made the penguins eyes light up. “Oh thank you guys! They’ll be so happy to hear this!”

“Ahh it’s nothin lass. But uh these kids, they’re gonna have a parent accompanying them right? We don’t want two little children runnin’ around our studio without supervision” Seamus said walking towards the two. Shimo gave him a smile. “Yes! They’ll be accompanied by a family member! Don’t worry they won’t cause any trouble, Joji is an angel” Shimo assures the cat infront of her. “Right, right. Well, again, then there won’t be any trou-“ before Seamus could could finish his sentence, Shimo tackled him into a hug. And soon after that K.K. let out a small chuckle as he took the annoyed cat into a side hug. “Oh thank you Seamus! Thank you thank you thank you!”

“Agh! Get off me! Quit laughin’ Tota before I smack yer face off!”

“WE LOVE YOU K.K.!”

“DO BUBBLEGUM K.K.!”

“K.K.! K.K.!”

“Thank you! Everyone! I love you all! You’re all amazing!” The sound of his adoring fans was almost ear deafening, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. He loved each and everyone of them just as much as way back when he had about 30 fans. He still remember the day when he blew out and gained a large following, he remembered how happy he felt knowing that people enjoyed his music. And still today he loved his fans. Even if they were a little...intense. As he went backstage a white arm clung around him by the shoulder and he was walked away from all the noice. “Alright so you go change, tidy up, drink some water, just freshen up. We’ll get the wee lad and lass in `ere shortly alright?”

“Okey, thanks Seamus” The star said, walking to his lounge. This had been a good show, or at least he felt so. After washing off and chilling for a while he went out of his lounge to find Shimo. He opened his door and-

“Agh!”

Oh no. He hit someone in the face with the door. He ran out to help whoever he hit. “Oh my god are you oke-“ he stoppped himself before he could even start. Looking at the person before him, It was a human. They were rubbing one spot on their forehead bending over. “...uh...oh! Are you alright? I didn’t mean to hit you? Do you like...need ice?” The human groaned as they rose up again to meet his gaze. “No no, it’s- it’s alright I just- I got scared by the door suddenly just swinging open. It’s okey really” they looked at him and...my god. This human was very cute. Suddenly, a second smaller human popped out behind them. He was grabbing the fabric that surrounded the older ones legs with one arm while the other one was surrounded by a red cast. And then a thing small human ran out from behind the first ones legs and looked at him with big eyes...oh!

“You’re Kim and joji right?” He asked looking at the small girl and boy. At that they let out a little gasp and nodded. They boy seeming less shy. “Well, do you want an autograph little dudes?” He said as he crouched down to be on the same level as the kid. The boy, joji nodded as he ran up to him. K.K. snickered at the kids sudden enthusiasm as he took out a pen and paper. He looked first at the girl. “What do you want it to say?”

“To Kim, from your grooviest pop star ever! K.K. Slider! And then a buncha hearts and starts!” She said very enthusiastically. “Righto” he signed the paper and gave it to her. “Well little guy, what do you want it to say?”

“...to...to my biggest fan, Joji. Rock on, From K.K. Slider” joji said. This kid was just adorable. As he reached out for more paper the boy declined and pointed to his cats. Oh right! K.K. felt a little stupid for not realising that he wanted his cast signed, but he of course signed it. “Now what do we say kids?” The older one said. “Thank you K.K. Slider” the two of them said, as they said this they ran over to him and gave him a big hug. It took K.K. Of guard but he happily returned the hug. After a few seconds he got a bright idea. “Hey, wanna check out the stage?” The kids let out yet another gasp as he said this. “Yes! Please! Y/N can we please go see the stage?” They turned around to look at the older one, seemingly named Y/N. “Well, if it’s okey for K.K. Slider. Then sure. I do have to talk to Shimo about something”

And so the four went towards the stage. Joji was riding on K.K. Sliders back and Kim was happily skipping besides them, holding K.Ks hand. Y/N was trailing behind them. As K.K. opened the door to a bunch of animals running around, none of them really paying any mind to the dog. “Alright where do you wanna go to first? The production team? The stage?” Before they could answer Y/N walked up to one of the agents and tried to get their attention. “Exude me ms. Do you know where Shimo is? I have to ask her something” when the agent shook her head Y/N simply let out a sigh. “I think I know where she is. Hey frans could you show the kids around? I’ll help Y/N out” K.K. said as he helped Joji off his back. The two children followed after the agent as K.K. motioned for Y/N to follow him. “Shall we?”

“Sure”

As the two of them walked, they stroke up a conversation. “So are you a fan? Or just here for your kids?” “Oh well, i wouldn’t say I’m a fan. I do listen to some of your music now and again but this is the first time I’ve been to one of your concerts. Also, Kim and Joji aren’t my kids, they’re my sisters kids. I’m just their sitter for the evening” “Ah yes of course. Well did you enjoy the concert?” He asked as he walked closer to them. “I did. You’re a very talented musician K.K. Slider” “you can just call me Totakeke, it’s alright” K.K. Said with a grin. “okey, totakeke” they relied smiling back at him. They were so beautiful/handsome/stylish. Their lushes hair, their shining eyes, their soft skin. Everything about them, it drove him nuts. He’s never felt this about anyone even if he’s been in countless relationships. This wasn’t your average crush or even love. He wanted to have them. He wanted to cherish them. He wanted to-

“Oh! Shimo! There you are! I wanted to ask you if” the rest of the conversation became blurred for K.K.. He couldn’t focus on anything but them. What was this feeling! It was like a drug! And like every addict, he wanted more. He waited until the conversation was over to approach Y/N once more. “Hey Y/N...I just wanted to ask you if...umm...if you’d like to...maybe like...go out sometime?” God damn it. Why was he acting so awkwardly, he’s usually such a smooth talker but- “like a date? Sure I’d be happy to” at that moment K.K. Could feel his heart explode! “O-Oh! Yeah! Groovy! Well do you wanna meet up at the park at 3?” The two of them made plans to meet and the whole time, K.K. could feel his tail wag more and more violently. He couldn’t wait until 3 tomorrow.

Where were you!? Where you not coming!? Oh god he scared you off didn’t he? He really didn’t want to do something drastic but if you’re not gonna show up he might have to go against his rules. But just as he was considering doing something crazy he heard the sound of footsteps coming close. “Hi! I’m so sorry I’m late! Traffic was holding me up” It was you! You had arrived after all! “Oh! No worries daddio. Traffic can be a little extreme around these parts. But don’t worry, where we’re going is not very crowded and it won’t be overflowing with people” k.k. Said, flashing a toothy grin. “Oh where are we going?” y/N asked tilting their head slightly. “Oh you’ll see, c'mon!” With that K.K. Grabbed ahold of Y/N’s hand as they started running somewhere. All while Y/N had no clue of where they were going. After awhile, the pare arrived at a cozy little establishment called “brewsters coffie”. As the two walked in, K.K. grabbed Y/Ns hand. As they opened the door, the bell on top of it made a little sound. “Yo brews!” K.K. Greeted the bird behind the counter. “Hello K.K. who’s the lady friend?” The bird, Brewster, asked. “This is Y/N, they’re my date” K.K. responded. “Well you know our couples discount right? Also, it’s karaoke night so feel free to put on any old song” Brewster said going back to cleaning a cup.

“Alright so what do you want? I’m gonna take a (C/ O/C)” Y/N said as they sat down in a booth. “I think I’m just gonna have a latte” K.K. replied. And so, the two ordered and waited. As the date progressed both of them engaged more and more in their conversation, telling each other about them self’s and asking about each other. “So yeah, I started singing way back when I was just a lil pupper. It’s been my passion ever since” K.K. Said resting his chin in his one paw. As he looked at Y/N, the only thing he could think of was how amazing they were. Not only were their looks stunning but they were so interesting. Anytime they told him about something of themself he could feel his heart skip a beat. He wanted this human all for himself. If only there was a way for him to keep them. “Yeah, it must be cool to be a super star, practically everyone knows you. It’s silly really but...well I’ve always wanted to be a singer. I’ve written some songs but none have really ever gained any attention. I figured that I didn’t have time to try and get recognition right now. I got a job and such” Y/N said sheepishly, as if their dream was dumb. “Wait, stop the press. Say what? Can you sing or do you play instruments?” K.K. asked, even more excited now. If Y/N sang, they were a package deal. “Well, I do know how to play a few instruments but I mainly sing.” OH. MY. GOD. “Well come on! Show me what you got! Let’s do some karaoke!” Without giving his date a chance to respond he quickly grabbed ahold of their hand and booked it to the karaoke machine. “What do you wanna play? Good ol Brewster has a lotta songs and artists” Y/N thought for a moment before they lit up. “Oh! Does it have the ink spots? It’s a little old but I like the vibe of their songs” Y/N said as they typed in the song of their choosing. And luckily enough, it came up. ”Nice! Do you wanna do it on duet mode?” They asked him. In which he happily agreed. They started up the song and let the first line of text appear with the song.

“I don’t wanna set the world on fire...I just want to start a flame in your heart...” K.K. started, soon the timer ticked down for Y/N to sing their part. “In my heart I have but one desire, and that one is you. No other will do” as Y/N sung their first part. K.K. Could feel himself almost explode. Their voice, it was smooth as butter, yet soft and clean. He loved it, it was amazing! He wanted to only hear that voice! The two of them sang through the whole song. And then another one. And then another one. They say there for 40 minutes, just singing. Getting lost in each other’s eyes. After some songs they sat back down at their booth, having a breather as they were both exhausted. “Wow, Y/N your voice...it’s...it’s angelic! You should absolutely do this for a living!” K.K. said eccentric. “Oh stop it you” Y/N said bashfully as a light pink blush appeared on their face. “No I’m serious! You’re voice is so good! I wish you would get more attention....wait! I got it!” K.K. Exclaimed as he grabbed a hold of Y/Ns shoulders. “I’m about to go on a tour soon, why don’t you follow with! That way you can gain attention to your singing and we could maybe continue this relationship!” K.K. said happily. “Oh...I don’t know Tota...isn’t it a bit soon?” They asked in return. “Maybe but what’s life if you don’t take any chances, imagine it! You could become rich and famous! If you ever feel like backing out you can totally do so as well!” He wanted them to join him so desperately. If they didn’t say yes, he might have to trap them in his tour buss...

“Okey! Let’s do it! I’d love to tour with you Totakeke!” They’re eyes lit up when they answered.

Yes! Finally! He had a way of keeping them with him for a couple of months. And by then they were absolutely gonna fall for him! It was a perfect plan! His fans would love the two of them and if they ever tried to break up, his fans would peer pressure them into getting back together with them! It was the perfect plan! Oh Y/N! The tour was in a couple of weeks but he couldn’t wait until then! The idea of you being trapped with him. With nowhere to run to, it made his tail wag.

#yandere #yandere acnh #acnh #k.k. slider #yandere k.k. slider #animal crossing x reader #animal crossing oc #yandere animal crossing #tw yandere #tw swearing #tw controling

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holydrawerart · 3 years ago

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What If..

Theres a way where some people get affected by Creepypasta 'Curse'. Like being into one of them.

[Dark Content.]

My drunked points:

First on those Curse. Curses are more like "become into a Demon/Monster/Ghost/Error/Entity..

Idk if this is a HC. Just Thinking.

Relate Life about the cursed. Literally they end badly. Like, if the true Creepypastas have a game when they can make copies in different/paralel Universes, choosing people, Can be just for fun, or evil issues.

What Weird Freaks and misterious entities want of Us? Why y happens..? Are they watching us?.. Where they come from?.

Symptoms, like a Devil Disease.

Isnt cool. Just imagine you would get "Ender Curse" . No funny. Your body will change, your face deleted. Mind, Thoughts, those black tentacles shouting up your back. Any of them, and youre just a lil human, weak, it kills and you feel it.

Offenderman Point: Sexual Life will rotten you. You're inside a custom. Weakly faster your body shocked and then your "human mind" just figure the atrozz acts youve made. Nobody loves freaks anyway.

Mistake. Ending like a Science Project. Doctors said that youre so pretty kind of necessary to do "it/that"/ , then they fucked your Life as worst could happen.

Other Entities: Dimensional Freaks. Someone is watching the TV. Little hostage, you Dont know the hands of Him is satisfied by a Show he invented. Laughing. You're the clown tonight.

Rake Point: IDK where he could from.. But sees too sad be a lonely nonsensed monster. Humans like tonInvestigates and catch.

People having some Proxy stuff. Not by Slenderman. Things made by Toby, for example; you will understand what kind of pain he has. He wont needs you in the team, fuck u. Just get a littlebit "Living Dead".

I cant figure hows could be Smiledog curse.. Be sorrounded by a red Husky... Hm, maybe just.. Idk soeownf.

Laughing Jack? [Possibly you be the Witness of a lot of Children Murders by LJ. And Clownshitty].

Respecting Sally: See her.

Ben Drowned: Ok. I like a lot his Creepypasta and how at many ways you can.. Be a Video Game Ghost. So, you live somethings to finally ends inna way to "Play the Shit". Ben turns you like a Pawn. You're the Ben Drowned but just him has the "Control" by your acts like a Game Avatar. (In this, your Home/House/City/World is affected, turned into a Virtual Simulation. Infernal Loops. Bloody Ways to participate with your friends at Madness Tours.

Ben: Theres a Lot of players overhere. Wonder, what can u do with a new ruled enviro.

'Cria Cuervos' Points: I have to say i made the-HC-done Origin of him. This Entity usually stole or "vanish" Children, usually; Girls. "Nobody know where the children are or what he did. If he harms them, eats them. They, dissapeared after he cames at the room on night, looking them. Getting closer.. Showing his flaming eyes and Skully Distorted Face.

Maybe hes looking for Margaret.. but, shes gone. Where? [I have an idea about It on my HC.] — Whatever, you wont be a Scarecrow, but you can fatigue with his trauma. Crows Over. He tell them what to do. Eyes Out. Be aware. This Entity isnt the same. Before be caughted by Frederick, usually children have nightmares when some "thing" sorround.

I Dont know exactly his thoughts now. But, he used to be a sad man who people hate. Margaret make him feel loved and "normal". He was too depressed, i guess. His older Brother, Santiago De Mendoza was the worst fuck on that Spanish "tale". Santiago hated Margaret's presence/company at their old house. He decided "something" about what to do with the House Debts, he "have to take out that stupid little girl. He doesnt care about.

Eventually, his actions and, he.. Killed Frederick and turned him inna Scarecrow which Margaret could saw by the window on kitchen. It was outside hanging..

What If: Creepypastas Analizyng. Scent.

A Way to be what usually we degree.

Fear Study. Human Behaviour. How humans affords problems? Can the fkn World save itself of It?. What about Apocalypse?.

God.[Wichever you believe for]. No, can not save World. This is a Lesson, lets learn mdkfs.

FREAÆKS DO YÖÜ‽. Oh. Yes. Humans HATES A LOT OF "MONSTERS". Not all, but theres a way to see Freak Points.

Guillermo del Toro knows. We know.

//Will post some ideas and a Headcanon called CTHW. I rlly want to work in some story about Pastas.//

[If you want, ask]

#creepypastas #slenderman #the rake #monsters #what if #alternate universe #room ideas #sally williams #ben drowned #entities #your asks #not for kids #content warning

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indigopurple · 5 years ago

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Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

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k-llama-llama · 5 years ago

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the end (please read)

so here it is guys. since im presuming we’re all adults.

in the past few hours i’ve been called ‘condescending and rude’, ‘a hateful bitch’ among other things.

I said that I think Itzy was the worst gg debut of this year. i did not say, that i hate them. i did not say that i hate the girls. dislike does not equal hate.

‘good’ is entirely subjective. itzy’s current discography does not constitute what i consider to be good music, or what i like to listen to. this DOES NOT mean that other people can’t like it. they’re good dancers, they can probably sing it’s just terrible producing.

i’ve hated debuts by groups that i love before. monsta x’s debut was (and in my opinion continues to be) their worst title track. NCT is another group that i like their recent stuff, but nothing before regular was ever something i would choose to listen to.

to the person who said ‘you can say you dont hate them all you want but you havnt said 1 positive thing surrounding them’. welcome to the real world. dislike does not equal hate. i dislike tomatoes. that does not mean i hate their existence or look down upon anyone who likes them.

i know i couldn’t create music better. but i hate to break it to you all, itzy doesn’t make their own music. it’s bad producing...IN MY OPINION.

regarding the itzy storyline. I have gone out of my way to add disclaimers saying that it does not accurately represent the girls. I have made efforts to show that any conflict with tori is a result of misunderstanding and not bullying or simply hateful behaviour. and ultimately, it’s fiction. so i have license to do what i want. i choose not to portray real people in a hateful light, but i have made efforts to portray them as human.

that storyline has been abandoned. itzy will not feature in any further posts unless by passing mention. they were going to become friends with tori, but i’ve decided to scrap that entire storyline.

to the person that sent this ask;

‘You suck at admitting your wrong. You badmouthed itzy and now your getting backlash. You can’t just use the “it’s my opinion” when hating. It’s no longer an opinion, your just hating.’

firstly. thanks for spamming my ask box and calling me a hateful bitch among other things. secondly, your first two sentences are a contradiction. i don’t need to admit i’m wrong. because i wasn’t. i expressed my opinion. there’s something called free speech, and i criticized their music. if at any point i was vague and you misunderstood it as hate towards the girls, fine, that’s on me. but of the gg that have debuted this year, they continue IN MY OPINION to be the weakest musically.

i understand this is a long and ranty post. but i’d just rather say everything i have to say.

if you want an apology. you won’t get one. my opinions are my opinions and i have a right to them.

if the itzy stories bothered you. please feel free not to read them. there’s three, i have well over a hundred other posts for you to read.

people have different opinions, and people’s opinions change. i am 10000% certain that every single person that send in a hateful or criticizing comment has disliked the music of a kpop artist at some point, or thought that one artist wasn’t worth the hype. weirdly, i’ve never felt the need to send anonymous hate to someone who has a different opinion than me. funny how that works.

so. moral of the story.

you didn’t hurt my feelings. does it suck to see my ask box full of hate, yes. but if you have a different opinion than me, you’re welcome to send it my way if you’re willing to have a civil discussion.

thank you, to the itzy fans who sent comments genuinely expressing their opinons, without calling me names. you are the type of kpop fans i respect.

to everyone else. i hope you consider how ridiculous this entire thing was. and no matter how many times you call me a bitch, i will continue to put out 3+ fics a week for you all because it is something i genuinely enjoy.

thank you guys for reading. i will answer asks regarding this, but only ones that are civil.

have a lovely evening everyone.

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hobiwonder · 6 years ago

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untitled | (m)

namjoon x reader

draft/drabble part of an incubus au im writing.

warnings: smoking weed, sex stuff but only mild lmao.

drug dealer au. also ive been asked to write a first time as well so here ya go y not.

"you sure about this?" the atmosphere was tense and cigarette smell mixed with the mints he was always sucking on made it all the more alluring - despite your hatred of nicotine. It was ironic really. You were sort of addicted to Namjoon like he was to his little sticks of cancer.

yes. you even called them a name that was self explanatory - well your mother had made sure you stayed away from any sort of deviant behaviour despite most of the kids all throughout highschool drinking and doing at least one sort of illicit drug. until Namjoon of course. until you'd seen him dealing at a freshman party and you'd stupidly gone up to ask him if you were supposed to bring money to the party while watching others pay him in exchange for little baggies.

He'd smiled a dazzling lopsided smile at you and you were done for the night. the

matchstick hanging from the corner of his mouth almost falling when he'd shamelessly checked your polka dotted dress out with a sweetheart neckline - perfectly appropriate at an inappropriate event. at least that's what your mother would call it.

he was everything you had literally been told to not be like and stay away from. But that's now how any of those teen movies you snuck out to watch at your bestfriend's house ended, did they? They always ended up with the girl falling for the bad boy, said bad boy changing for said good girl and then ending in a happy ever after. It was too good to be true - you weren't that naive. maybe just a little. And maybe that's why you continued to see Namjoon and parties that became even more questionable for someone so reserved and rigid like you.

thought most nights with him ended with your body laying flaccid atop his after taking a whiff of whatever he coaxed you in to or your curiosity made you try. And this was one of those nights. Maybe slightly more different as you were high as a crown and asking namjoon to take your virginity.

"y-yes im very s-sure. mhm. i am." his chuckle could be a song itself. so melodic.

"can you say that with your eyes open babe?" no because im scared ill fall even more in love with you.

but you don't say that of course.

"'m good Namjoon. J-Just get on with it." you open your eyes but dont look at him. you really didn't want to clue him in to what a big deal this probably will end up meaning to you because you knew he would bolt. Namjoon wasn't exactly the love interest youd seen in the movies. maybe more of a flawed hero in every shakespeare novel. but his flaw was not something changeable.

you can't change someone's nature. it is what it is and you won't lie; it kind of made you want to sob. thankfully you're saved from your inner turmoil when namjoon's zipper is cutting through the deafening silence; instead, a rush of arousal is seeping through your underwear and suddenly you're squirming on the floor of the rooftop he had taken you to.

His breath is even while yours choppy. Even in a state like yours; slightly inebriated and the earth spinning - you were very aware of him. His breath, his nimble but slender hands, soft skin. everything.

You can feel Namjoon's hands massaging your thighs and a soft sigh escapes. And it's the first of hundreds you probably let out that night mixed in with tortured moans whenever he brushed against your sopping core.

"Feels good?" it's quite obvious with his cocky tone that he's smirking even in the dim moonlight obscured by rainy clouds.

"y-yeah." it comes out more as a breathy moan than a solid reply but you're sure namjoon will understand given that his fingers are making a mess of you as they gently nudge their way inside you - stretching your inner walls to accommodate his two fingers.

you're gripping his hand that's between your legs and the haze of marijuana clouding your mind makes you bold enough to spread your legs even wider while your other hand claws at the floor

besides you. his fingers swipe over your blood filled nub again and again and the sensations are almost violently pleasurable. bordering on pain but you dont tell him to stop.

sometime during the night - he's draped himself on top of you while he strokes himself with one hand - the other working under your dress.

"Fuck yeah baby. that's it. good girl." he sounds so mesmerised you wonder if he even knows what he's saying. but his words push you further anyway.

"y/n. this is the last time i'll ask. are you sure?" and all he gets in response is your vigorous nodding. Opening your eyes to see him peering directly down at you is mistake number three you make.

number two was definitely saying yes to let him take you on the roof of a frat house while the party went on downstairs.

and number one being you thinking you could stop yourself from falling for him.

#bts smut #namjoon #drafts #namjoon fanfic #yeah im writing another thing holla #hhhhhhh im setting myself up to #fail sjjnejensj

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r0ck80tt0m · 5 years ago

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Marcus Aurelius: Meditations

So far, I have read the first 2/6 of the books in Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. I may continue to read the rest of the books later on, but for now, I think this is where I will pause and take note of my thoughts while they are still fresh.

I think the philosophy that is being illustrated in Meditations is a philosophy that I strive to adhere to. The only parts that I did not feel this way about were the pieces in relation to the gods and the pieces about governing a state. This is simply due to our differences in stature and time.

If one were to follow the teachings very well, there would be no situation in which they could be blamed or be in the wrong. If everything one does is motivated by compassion and reason, how could one go wrong?

Book 1

“piety, the inclination to give generously and to hold back not only from doing wrong but even from thinking of doing so”

This lesson taught to him by his mother peaked my interest because of the part about not even thinking of doing wrong. This is interesting because I am currently capable of not doing wrong but I don’t think I am able to keep myself from thinking of doing wrong. I would love to get to this mindset though. When I simply think of doing wrong, the thoughts and feelings build up and lead to feelings of resentment. This keeps me from behaving and thinking my best.

“to those who have angered or offended one to be ready to respond positively and to make things up again, as soon as they want to come back into the relationship”

Do not hold onto resentment or anger. If someone has truly wronged me, it is a problem with them and they need to deal with it. If they don’t, that is okay and I will carry on, but if they recognize what they’ve done and have resolved the issue with themselves, I will not hesitate to welcome them back into my life.

“read with precision and not be satisfied with a generalized understanding, nor agree quickly with those who are just chattering away”

This is important to me for the very reason that I am reading this to begin with. I want to be reading much more than I have in the past, and I want to read complex things that will stimulate and develop my mind, so when I read, I want to fully understand what I am reading. I want to take time to understand things enough that I can be confident when discussing it and confident in forming opinions about the content.

“take as one’s guide nothing but reason”

“be very intense but very relaxed”

“not to become impatient in giving explanations”

!!!!!!!! patience

“Live according to nature”

see my notes in the text

https://www.quora.com/What-does-Marcus-Aurelius-mean-by-The-Whole-and-Nature

“deep learning without ostentation”

“rarely and only when necessary to say to someone ‘i am too busy,’ or by this kind of behaviour to make continuous excuses for not meeting the obligations that go along with our social relationships”

basically, stop being so flakey

“1 readiness to help others and to give generously; optimism and confidence in the affection of friends; 2 frankness with anyone of whom he disapproved; 3 and that his friends never needed to guess what he did or did not want since this was obvious”

2 its okay to dislike or disapprove of someone, but if that is so, be honest and frank and upfront... don’t be fake to them since that is wholly unfair

3 don’t try to hint at what I want or be mad if someone doesn’t do what I want if I never express the desire. If I want something from others I simply need to tell them

some snippets from “from maximus”: “be master of oneself” “be cheerful under all circumstances” “readiness to tackle the task in hand without complaint” “be sure that everyone is confident that whatever you say you mean”

“hold immovably to judgements made after full examination”

make judgements after serious research and examination, if judgements are made this way then you can hold on to them and not budge from them

“not requiring his friends always to have dinner with him or to be obliged to accompany him on his travels, but if people were kept away by some need they would always find his attitude the same”

!!”as for things that make for the comfort of life, of which fortune provided plenty, to use them without showing off but also without apology so that he could enjoy them without self consciousness if they were there but did not miss them if they were not.

“he respected genuine philosophers, but as regards the other kind, he was neither unduly disparaging nor easily taken in by them”

he did not ridicule those whose thoughts he did not respect but he didn't fall for their teachings either

“he took care of his body in a moderate way, but was neither over-protective of his life nor focused on good looks nor neglectful of himself, so that, thanks to his own attention to himself he had least need of doctors”

“readiness to give way without jealousy to those who had a special competence” “support them to become well known for their own area of special excellence”

don’t be jealous of those who are good at the things that I am not as good at, and rather support them and be friends with them, then you are not doing any wrong and you can also use them as an asset

dont “’get in a sweat’ about things” handle things “as if at leisure, in a calm, orderly way, which was also vigorous and consistent”

Book 2

(all of this relates to “living in accordance with nature”) people with many faults (ungrateful, violent, envious, meddling etc) “are subject to these faults because of their ignorance to what is good and bad”... I and the wrongdoer are related, or both part of the whole (nature), “we were born for cooperation” “so to work against each other is contrary to nature; and resentment and rejection count as working against someone”

“just as the changes in the elements maintain the universe so too do the changes in the compounds”

you have a limited and uncertain amount of time on earth “and if you do not use it to clear the fog from your mind, the moment will be gone and you will be gone and the opportunity will not come again”

“stop wandering aimlessly”

“you don’t often see people being unhappy because they don’t pay attention to what is going on in someone else’s mind; but those who don’t follow closely the movements of their own mind will necessarily be unhappy”

“when someone is angry, he seems to turn his back on reason with a certain kind of pain and an unconscious contraction of the heart; but when someone goes wrong because of desire and is then overpowered by pleasure he somehow seems more self indulgent and more unmanly in his wrongdoing”

worse to do wrong motivated by desire than anger

!! “death and life, fame and lack of fame, pain and pleasure, wealth and poverty-- all these things happen to good and bad people alike, though they are neither right nor wrong; therefore, they are not good or bad”

also lots of stuff about why you should not fear death!

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aceyanaheim · 5 years ago

Text

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.)

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms:

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour. Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info) and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time.

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD)

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection.

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd)

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder)

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be) but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending)

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders)

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.)

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah)

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years)

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help)

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s)

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist)

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.: Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem) deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this.

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do.

How your disorder/s affect your relationships

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems.

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad)

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes. All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression. I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things.

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot) My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away.

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

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americaiskillingitsyouth · 5 years ago

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some personal shit, scroll on by, im screaming into the void

im really only posting this here bc my friends are already v aware of the situation and ive just got more sad-angry in me than anyone needs to receive in a text tbh

so basically, ive had a buddy for 10 years now, actually known the fucker since primary school so ive known him for 2 decades and been tight for 1 decade. he is by all accounts a great dude, i fucking love the guy and thats why this shit sucks so bad.

when i first met this friend we had radically different political ideologies (i was a grimy goth leftie at the time and he was like that fuckin kid out of This Is England). this was before stuff like that would mean we could never be friends and we shared enough in common on every other level that we agreed to just not talk politics, he’d dial back his bullshit and i’d dial back mine. we saw each other all the time, the only time it was ever ok for the fash and the left to unite.

now this friendship has endured all that, me moving away, him getting married, him having 2 kids, me moving to denmark, me becoming even more radical, him defecting to the left, him getting divorced and me having a full blown nervous breakdown (unrelated to the divorce haha). despite all this we would see each other every friday almost without fail, we’d snapchat hella when i was in denmark.

the nervous breakdown here is relevant because throughout all that, despite going thru a divorce and sorting custody of 2 kids, as well as starting a burgeoning new relationship with one of our mutual friends (such a beautiful union tbh) dude would message me every day, see how i was doing. he let me crash at his place occasionally for a change of pace, and he had me leaving the house within 4 days of the breakdown beginning bc he needed my help to get the perfect present for his gf (i’d known her for yeeeeears before they met) and he knew i needed to get out of that bed.

at no point, despite our differences and the paths our lives have gone, could our friendship ever be considered toxic. it was like a fox and the hound type thing... but with nazis. but then, enter diazepam.

so this buddy, hes got a very addictive personality, he’s got a problem with codeine but never stronger opiates and its never really affected his behaviour. i’m a drug doer too man so idc as long as you’re staying safe and you aren’t hurting anybody. he was still a great dad (he still is) and a great friend.

i got that jaw condition which means when it locks i gotta use them to loosen it (and also recreationally bc yeah... drugsy) so i always had valium. hes an anxious dude and as a fellow anxious dude i get it - dude was really worrying about it i’d throw him a valium and he’d feel better. this was on a weekly basis i couldnt have predicted quite what it would turn into.

flash forward to now. I don’t get messages from him really that aren’t about valium in one way or another. it’s a case of “can you use the darknet to get me some valium?”, “do you have a couple valium i can have?” do “[my housemates] have any valium? can you ask them for me i’ll pay them back” etc etc etc, ad infinitum.

like p recently he got not just a new girlfriend but a new job (one where phones are a no no) and im not an asshole, i dont need u to be hitting the bants w me every fuckin day, i would just appreciate a text that isnt about fucking valium. like homies so far gone that he doesnt care if its my last jaw-unlocking valium, if i reluctantly offer he’ll take it!

“but big pissin mama,” you ask “why don’t you just say no? why don’t you just not give them to him”. well, theres a few answers to that question. first one, and to get it out the way, im a big ol’ vagina who can’t say no, i accept it, i hate it but i accept it. secondly, and this is the biggy, the nature of addiction. like ive had him go off on me once before, not hugely, but still going off bc of not being able to get any (all just being snippy ofc, nothing awful). ive seen my dude get angry at people and its scary, and frankly i am terrified at the idea of that being directed towards me.

this aint my friend right now, and i know that so its ok. but to be buds thru so much and then be reduced down to valium dispensary is p cutting. but that said, he helped me immeasurably when i was mental, and i have to be there to help him now. just right now im really sad.

and im meant to be going to his house later cuz yknow... valium in exchange for an hour of face time before the valium kicks in and he gets all bbrrrrrvvvvvbvbvbvbvvvvv and has to go to bed. exactly what you want from ur friends.

i’m probably not going to go.

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tumblunni · 6 years ago

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Okay seriously but dr maddiman's story is SO SAD

His wife literally left him on april fools day!!! And he sat there waiting at the door and crying until midnight just in case it was a joke and she came back

AND THEN HE DIED

And we dont even know WHEN he died! His journals just slowly peter off into nothing after the depressing divorce day. Just "i need to work i need to work" and talking about how he doesnt take care of himself now he has nobody to live for and how he doesnt even remember why he's working anynore but he's scared if he stops working he'll remember that his family left him. And he doesnt know how to cook and he just makes shitty gruel out of whatever was left in the fridge after his wife left and he doesnt ever buy any more groceries and uhh.. Well.. At some point he died. He basically committed suicide by sheer denial. The goddamn diary about being unable to cook trails off into just repeating "tasty gruel" over and over in increasingly gnarled handwriting. And in japanese the word for gruel was a pun on another rather infamous depressing scienceman's last journal in resident evil. So while the dub wrote it out in full sentences instead the original was kinda like... Incoherant rambling of a guy who died mid sentence. Thats what the reference would immediately communicate to anyobe who'd played RE...

And man its just SO SAD cos even before he basically killed himself with unhealthy coping mechanisms, he ruined his own life with the same problem. He became distant from his wife and child because he loved them so much but he didnt know how to communicate it and he just ran away from all of his problems. He buried himself in his work to avoid facing the fact he was having relationship issues with his wife, which obviously just made it worse. And his whole work in the first place was from a stupid idea that he could "keep everyone i love safe if i take over the world". Like the idea of actually telling them he loved them and talking about his worries was SO IMPOSSIBLE that he jumped to an even more impossible solution as something easier! And then its so depressing cos oh man these diaries are like a constant stream of jokes about how this man is destroying himself from overwork and like seriously it was so bad that they had to censor a few of them in the dub. For example one about how he hadnt changed out of his lab coat in over two weeks so his wife mistook his laundry for nuclear waste and tried to friggin dispose of his boxers with a long stick and a flamethrower! Which the dub somehow thought was too gross even tho half of all yokai are just gross jokes lol. BUT SERIOUSLY They try and write it all comical at first but all this comical stuff causes realistic consequences of a rift between him and his family AND ALSO his health failing with every damn page you turn like holy fuckin shit. You cant blame his wife for leaving him, she didnt know he really did love her and was just running away from talking about his problems. God she must have suffered so much trying to raise the kid alone and not knowing WHY he seemed to leave her entirely and hate her more and more each day. And its implied that maddiman's research started getting all fanatical and supernatural even before he became a monster, and he wasnt even seeing regular patients at the hospital and like.. Doing his job... Receiving money of any sort. So man at some point yeah the poor lady would have to make the right choice to leave for the sake of their kid. It sounds like she tried so damn hard to get him to open up and just goddamn come home!!!

AND THE WORST PART IS THAT IT WORKED

Yknow not just in the literal sense where his shambling undead self is STILL SICK FROM HOW HE DIED and LITERALLY WEARS HIS HEART ON HIS SLEEVE NOW

Oh god i just realized that maybe his inspiriting power is "heart swap" not because literally he's an evil scientist who wants to cut you up, but because HE WISHES HE COULD HAVE SHOWN HIS HEART TO HIS FAMILY WHEN HE HAD THE CHANCE!!!!!#!!!

and okay seriously THAT PART, THAT WORST OF WORST PARTS

Is that he did!!! He did try!! He did make the right choice!! He just kept running away for so long that when he decided to step up and be a good husband and father it was already too late. :(

He did decide to abandon his fanatical nonsense and just go home and show them he loves them. He closed up work early and bought a bunch of gifts for his family and came home hoping to surprise them and... Was surprised. At an empty house. And a note saying she'd already gone. On fuckin APRIL FOOLS DAY OF ALL DAMN DAYS so he SAT THERE SURROUNDED BY THE PRESENTS CRYING FOR HOURS HOPING IT WAS JUST A JOKE

And he just fell back even harder into his self harming conflict avoidance behaviours. He didnt try and call her and apologise, he didnt even go home ever again. He probably left the same bag of presents there on the table gathering dust even when he was dead. He just went back to work and kept working so hard that he didnt notice when he fell asleep and never woke up.

And thats why in the first game he seemed so much more evil but he was confirmed redeemable in future games and got all this heart destroying heartwarming bullshit beautiful goddamn writing AND ALSO THREE BABY TURTLES TO HUG. He just fuckin ran away from his problems so hard that he forgot he was ever human!! And he was stuck so much in this 'i must complete my ultimate science at any cost' mindset that he forgot why it was even important. And he was willing to make any damn sacrifices for something he didnt know was already useless cos HIS WIFE AND KID ARE PROBABLY DEAD NOW ANYWAY *sob*

Oh and then yokai watch 3 confirmed that yes at least his kid is indeed dead anyway. You can catch his yokai form too and HE BECAME A DOCTOR JUST LIKE HIS GODDAMN DAD!!!! They made up fpr not ever letting us have a playable maddiman by giving us a new yokai scienceman and HEY WHY NOT HAVE THE SADDEST POSSIBLE EXPLANATION FOR THAT!!!! And in the quest that finaly confirms their connection HA HA WHAT WOULD BE THE WORST POSSIBLE TEASE WE COULD GIVE THE PLAYERS? Hey looks like Cliff inherited his dad's neuroses so instead of going to meet him he runs away from his problems. And thats just the end. The closest they get to reuniting is dr son guy leaving his dad a can of his favourite soda before he runs away. This was in the last set of dlc for the game and will probably never get a better conclusion unless the two of them return in a future game but the original anime series has ended now and the next game looks like its gonna be this alternate universe thing instead. Sigh!

FUCKIN HELL LEVEL-5 WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME WITH THIS GREAT PLOTLINE OF UTMOST SADS

Why is "sad science dad" always my fave character in everything ever and why is dr maddiman such the best

Im cry my heart out. Quite literally. LIKE POOR GODDAMN DR MADDIMANNNNNN

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icselpatlamalar · 2 years ago

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A MID WAY PROGRESSBAR ON HEALING

Like crumbles if you dont heal.

In 2016 when i started collage i come out and got abused by my parents for decades, controlling, verbal physcial attacks etc. I kept it together thx for my friends at that time but after i got hit in the heart by unsucesful lovers it become even more depressive.

In 2018 summer i realized i had a shit life and it made me extreamly depressed and questioned my existance with low key s*cidal tendencies. I fall for my 1st ex not because i loved him but i lacked safety and peace. I fall for people who have what i dont have... He lived in a great city, had good friends, had cool time there and he was FREE. I had a miserable life, awful city, awful friends, awful abusive parents. I loved him as a tool. I used him to escape my life. And at the end i got abused as fuck and non of my friends even helped me to deal with any of this bullshit or even guide me slightly.

It was even more painful when my only supporting friend gone mad (no joke she became extreamly paranoid and schizophrenia). I had no one supporting me in real way. Even the therapist i went to were shit heads that felts so fucking lonely. This lead me to have a s*cide attempt which fucked up my ego forever.

No matter how much i healed i felt shit and no matter how much i achived i feel shit. Because i have been keeping deep bullshit in me and had no one to talk to and nothing was working due to circumstances not chaning.

I made 2 friends in 2019 fall. One of them turned out to be a patalogical lying covert narsc who tried to ruin my life for 2 years, by attemtping to kill me and twisting every deep talks we did and even shallow ones because they were in love with me (or obsession and jelousy to be honest) and another girl who has s*cidal tendencies as well as depressive anxious personality with some hypervilligant behaviours too.

I now see i have tagged them as friends because omfg my currents friend then would hear me out and they were kind enough (by that i mean they only listen to you so they can hate u for being vulnerable and hurt you later by this fake closeness) but not kind enough to be real friends. I have waited 1 year to talk about my abusive relationship with someone and thats why i loved them. I felt free and both of them were edgy acting fragile people, now i see how miserable they were realy and how fucked they are tbh.

While all of this was going on i was having hobbies, sucesful at school, winning competition building my character and wishes, dreams. But it always a lil bit fragmented because i was literally in a very fucking toxic enviourment.

In 2020 i could take it anymore after years of abuse and gaslight and mental torture and run everything to the flames. Burned all my bridges, exposed everything. Everyone flee when i started to be real to them about their bullshit.No one really fake loved me anymore lols ok this is late. It was pure chaos i literally had to move out to a new city for couple months.

In 2021 I decided to change my life, i have bump head agains every possible wall and people. I even had to physically attack people to get my rights back, which is not good experience. I had come back but this hyperviligant girl and i get together back because i needed money, at the end i left her for her codependent behaviour. Then this physco come and threatened me by “exposing and cancelling me” which was actually him saying he will frame and gaslight me and shit, he already contacted my exes and friends and spreaded rumours about me for 2 years...

After that i have been a very angry unforgiving cold and distant person whoo nly focus on loving myself and my career goals. I have met many more people and do many jobs but i no longer give a fuck about humanity in that codependent sense. I left many people behind, many stuff and lifes behind. I have alot more boundries and i dont let bs happen.

I was asking myself why the fuck my life has been shit. Now this makes alot of sense...

HEAL YOURSELF. If you dont it collaps like a cotton ball with a thread attacht to sisyphus’s rock. I now realize i never had a bf or lover or real friendship because i have been so much in survival and breadcrumb efficeny mode that i have not been able to live and experience my life to the best.

I always had to make money, make the best time, get the mood up, fix shit, achive dealines, make connections, deal with loneliness and boredon, heck fucking fix my clinical depressin all by my self.

I AM SO TIRED BUT I AM SO GLAD.

Right now i have a stable good job, some friends that are meh but alright, i have hobbies i love, a character i love, a family we get along, I have no mental health issues but i still time to time get bored with life, but i am a creative mid-class person so its better than before.

But still, i would love to have real connections where i dont feel the need to have the best from others or anything good or perfect. I just wanna have independent relatisonship and 0 bullshit. I have learned my lessons and using people is a bad one which killed me. I am so glad i learned the harsh truth of reality and objective conditions of life and subjective needs of me.

I can safely say i am my bff which was hard to say. I have so much respect and love for myself but i am still scared of real relationships due to inexperience and chaos i endured.

But i wanna fall in love with me and many others and have friendships and cool shit altogether. I have fixed the most important parts.

Pls god give me nice shit.

I can give u alot of advice and guidance but truth be told, i am not pro at life. I am still and adult who is trying to figure out some of the most impossible problems with life.

I wish i had this much experience and brain tbh. Rest was good ngl.

Just be you and do you. The rest is not as important as you think and try to be moe punk when u have to free fall from that bridge into the precived abbys. ıt pays of when you look back at horrible life u left behind.

One of the best thing u can do is to GET RID OF TOXIC SHITTY PEOPLE WHO ARE INHERINTLY AWFUL. Then i would say learn TO BE STABLE ON UR 2 FEETS. Then i would also add LEARN TO LET SHIT BURN.

I never had problem with self love tbh this isnt about love this is about mental head space so FUCK EVERYONE WHO THINK LOVE IS THE ANSWER TO EVERY BS. THINK FOR URSELF AND BE SELFISH TIME TO TIME.

I am done with this. Hope it helps u too. I learned damn many of these shit are just tower after tower after towers and damn i am the pro pheonix but damn gurl give me a slack pls.

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