#and all of the kinks I’ve labelled as mine are actually just things I like reading about. not what I want to experience

[drbased]

Everything I write about kink is within the context of having been in the community and done it myself. I don’t bring it up because doing so would massively dilute my words and take up unnecessary space; and the great thing about good theory is that is resonates regardless - explaining my background would only make me seem insecure in my words, which is ironic because my background actually makes me feel more confident in them. My lived experience means that I can go into specificity that others can’t - and I’ve also written about what women ‘get out of kink’ elsewhere. But of course, to this person I’m a hairy feminine tradwife lesbian scarecrow who never leaves the house I guess 🤷‍♀️

People like this don’t seek out feminist theory (not even one other post of mine) simply because they don’t respect the words of women; so when first exposed to feminist analysis their pea-brains, with highly-exercised misogyny neurons and nothing else, can’t even comprehend the possibility that I might just, yanno, know what I’m talking about. Nevertheless, a woman is communicating something powerful to them and their lingering sense of conscience, begging for death, starts to panic so they quickly blurt out the equivalent of ‘takes one to know one!’ like Homer Simpson when he’s not been listening but wants to sound smart.

I hate how feminism is so disrespected that these interchangeable clones can keep using the same words and never get tired because when one is done they can swap over like an eternal tag team posturing to a slobbering crowd as desperate for the verbal beat-down of a woman as a physical one. But unlike feminism, which is persisting across generations against all odds, their words are built off nothing but the latest fad - when I was in bdsm I was never encouraged to read any literature to back up the justifications of the encouraged behaviour that were sorely needed. Literally everything bdsm is built off of ‘trust me bro’ and porn. The more enlightened kink came from people who saw the evils in kink and thought they could divorce from misogyny, racism etc. and whilst their intentions were good they were never willing to admit that oppression and abuse are the blueprint for kink itself (many kinksters happily admit that what they do is ‘problematic, but done in safe, sane and consensual manner’)

When 50 Shades came out, the kink community rightfully panned it as abuse and therefore not true bdsm, and recommended ‘Secretary’ as a better film. I never did watch it until years later, and now I’m older and wiser I can say that ‘Secretary’ is a hilarious film to label as a ‘good depiction of bdsm’. For said film I have a looong review of in the works; I’m obsessed with the film in spite of myself and I wanted to analyse how it works in terms of propaganda, and how it says the exact same thing as the kind of things the person above vomits out in a much longer period of time than they could pay attention to.

It would be nice if my feminist writing didn’t exist in some sort of parody of a horror movie where I’m subjected to jump-scares of these zombies crawling out of the woodwork trying to eat my brains so they can feel less insecure in having never considered anything in their entire lives. But I have to take it as a compliment; in their reality, I’m the horror move villain, whose expertly communicated ideas are too terrifying to ignore, and what’s more there are many of me, and just like all deeply resonant ideas we can pop up at any time from anywhere. Suddenly and without warning being expected to think about ideas more complicated than where your next orgasm is coming from must make for a pretty scary existence. I don’t want to pity it, but very much like certain kinks I feel forced to.

[buckyownsmylife]

Give your heart a break - Chris Evans smut

The one where Chris is a biker and decided he wants to start your forever.

Warnings: I’m gonna tag this as dubcon just to be safe, Chris definitely crosses a line without proper consent, breeding kink, biker!Chris AU, bondage, (belt used to restrain hands), dirty talk

A/N:  this is for my own birthday celebration challenge! Like I explained here, I’m going to try to fill every single AU I listed with the characters I picked for the challenge, and since the deadline if May 27, these fics will be posted randomly, as I finish them. Hope you guys like it!

Chris’ P.O.V.

“Hey, baby!” The smile she opened up when she turned around to see it was truly me who had just arrived at her coffee shop made my heart beat faster than it ever did while I was away from her.

I guess the adrenaline the bike used to give me was nothing compared to her effect on me.

“What are you doing here?” She exclaimed, jumping on my waiting arms so I could twirl her around, like I always did after we spent some time apart. She looked just the same, which comforted my heart somewhat.

I hated leaving her, but this nomadic lifestyle I’d chosen for myself long before we ever met would never work for her. It’s why she always resisted accepting any kind of labels to what we shared.

That was all about to change, though. Even if she still didn’t realize it.

“What? Can’t I stop by to visit my best girl?” Her smile became even bigger at the pet name. It was the indication I needed of her true feelings. She wanted to be mine, she really just couldn’t handle the biker lifestyle.

“Of course, you can. I just wasn’t expecting you, that’s all. Sit down, I’ll bring your usual order!” I watched as she fixed me a black coffee and picked a muffin with great care before bringing it to me. I had no doubt it was the warmest one on the tray. “Will you be sticking around for tonight?”

I could see the glint of hope and desire in her eyes. I knew that even though she didn’t want to be tied down to me, she hadn’t looked for pleasure in anyone else ever since I first kissed her. And even though I was sure she thought differently, neither had I.

She owned my heart ever since we met. There was no one else I’d rather have underneath my body. “I think you’ll soon realize I’ll be sticking around for a lot longer.”

Her eyes lit up at that, excitement clear in her features. “A whole week?” She’d been asking me for that for as long as I’ve known her, and I’d never been able to stick through the whole seven days. There was always some shipment to assess, brothers to help.

This time, nothing would force me away from her.

“You’ll see.” She rolled her eyes at my attempt at keeping a mystery, and I know what was going on through her pretty little head. I was already too secretive as it was, there was no need for more hiding. But I had a plan, and I was going to stick to it.

“I’ll be right here until it’s time to lock up. I’ll walk you home, how does that sound?” The way the corner of her eyes crinkled as she smiled at me was enough of a response, yet she gave me one anyway.

“Perfect.”

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Stop that.” The order startled me, too lost in the haze of lust to realize that he’d stripped down to his boxers, finally noticing that I’d climbed on the bed and had been playing with myself while I waited for him to join me.

Usually, I’d immediately follow his directions - almost instinctively, actually. It was probably some remaining fear that used to exist inside of me when I saw him on his bike just outside my shop, before I decided to give him a chance and began this little adventure between us…

I never wanted to see his anger directed at me. But tonight, I was feeling brave for whatever reason. Maybe it was because of how much I had missed him this time we spent apart and how I unconsciously resented him for always leaving. We’d never have an actual relationship, and it was all because of him.

So maybe that awoke the brat in me, because all I gave him was a smirk, keeping the movements on my clit as I watched him watch me. “I don’t think you deserve that,” I taunted, taking notice of the way he seemed transfixed by the wetness gathered on my lower lips, until I stopped my movements and raised my hand to slather it on my lips.

“You’ve left me all alone so many nights, with only these fingers as company…” I returned them to the apex of my thighs, pushing them inside of me this time, making sure to exaggerate my moan at the relieving sensation of being filled. “I think you deserve to suffer for a while longer.”

He looked so beautiful with his eyebrows furrowed, the length of his eyelashes and the pinkness of his lips almost making me overlook how threatening he still looked, all tatted up, clearly disappointed in me.

“Stop it,” he warned once more, but I wasn’t in a submissive mood. Not tonight.

“Why should I?” I argued, fucking myself faster. “I’m not yours. You can’t boss me around.” That was the wrong thing to say, I realized the second his eyes darkened, jaw clenching at my defiance. He was on me in a second, easily gathering my wrists in one of his hands as he pulled them up in the direction of the headboard, and it was only when I felt the leather around them that I realized he’d picked up his belt to tie me to bed.

“Yes, you are,” he breathed out against my face, eyes looking directly in mine to show me just how serious he was. “And you should know better than to disobey me.” The authoritative tone in his voice had me shivering, especially after he pulled away and stopped covering my body with his, taking advantage of how I was bound to the bed to drink in my naked figure.

“I promise I’ll behave,” I tried to argue, legs flailing around his figure until he grabbed them. “I-I just missed you, that’s all.” The way his huge, rough hand felt on the inside of my thighs should be illegal. And he knew just how much it affected me, as he smirked and looked up at me from under his eyelashes with a knowing glint in his gaze.

“Don’t you trust me?” He questioned, head tilted as his thumb slipped and found place right over my nub. “I just want to make you feel good, sugar.” I hesitated for a moment - I hadn’t really experimented with any sort of kinky sex before, even though I expected him to try something unusual ever since the first time we were together. Guess this was starting small. I could take it.

Besides, I needed him too fucking badly.

“Yeah?” He confirmed after I nodded, tone almost patronizing as he kept rubbing me and playing with himself. “Got yourself wet and ready for me, won’t need to prepare you, huh? Guess your disobedience has it’s advantages.”

All I could do was whimper, especially when he finally leaned over me again, resting his hard cock over my navel. “Feel this?” He asked, and I nodded once more. “It’s about to be inside of you, pretty girl.”

And so he grasped my hips and adjusted himself to start pushing in, spearing me open. Having him for the first time after a while was always a challenge, and although he always took it slow to get me used to him again, he was never one to give me time to accept the intrusion. He just took his time, thrusting in and out, taking note of every little moan that I released as his hips pressed against mine.

“Oh, fuck…” I groaned, wanting to wrap my arms around him but unable to do so, due to my restraints. “T-that f-feels s-so good!” I was positively trembling as he started to pick up his pace, cocky smile only adding to my arousal.

“Oh, yeah?” He panted, drops of sweat starting to form on his naked body from the frantic activity. “Then fucking scream it, sweetheart. Tell your entire neighborhood how good it feels to have my cock inside of you.”

I must have obeyed him, from the way my throat felt hoarse when I finally came back from my orgasm, but I couldn’t remember it. I was too far gone. All I knew, all I could focus on was the way it felt to have his cock rhythmically dragging in and out of me, the sounds of my juices reverberating off the walls.

“Pretty little pussy,” he complimented, eyes focused on the part of me he was so obsessed with. “Can’t wait to fill it up with my cum.” Well, that jolted me back into reality, suddenly pulling on his belt again.

“W-what?” Only when he heard my question and the hesitation in my voice did he raise his gaze to meet my eyes, a patient smile defining his expression.

“C’mon, pretty girl… You know you want it too. Don’t you want an ‘us’?” He urged while I could only stare back, mouth agape. “You know I want more, I’ve always wanted more. Now I’m ready to give it to you. And I know you want me too.”

His voice was soothing against my ear as he kept fucking me, “You want to be round with my baby, don’t you? You want me to keep you filled all day long, until your breasts are heavy and your belly starts growing, so everyone will know you’re now undeniably mine.”

And to be his is all I’d ever wanted, but I never expected it to happen like this. I could only watch, frozen in place as he came deep inside of me, moaning right by my ear before kissing my temple.

“I love you, sweetheart.” He’d never said those words to me before. I don’t think he’d ever said them to anyone. “I know it’s fucked up that I’m only now telling you this, but I do. And I wanna fall asleep next to you every day from now on.”

And so he kept me plugged, full of his cum even as he released my wrists and lulled me to sleep, and for the next seven days, when I woke up in the morning, he was really still there.

“You’re really here to stay,” I whispered on the eight night, cradling his face in amazement as he smiled before kissing my palm.

“Forever.”

[powdermelonkeg]

Hyrule Brochure: A Potential for BotW’s Future

Hyrule’s map in BotW is pretty sparse as far as cities go. Yes, it’s got more than any other Zelda game, but it also has like, 90% of its map being pure dead space.

So I decided to play around and make what I imagine Hyrule would look like, as far as cities go, if it were allowed to properly rebuild and not get totally wrecked by Ganon again.

Credit to Eragon2589 on DeviantArt for the free-to-use map icons. I love these little buttons so much.

So, these are the canon towns we get in BotW; Hateno, Lurelin, Tarrey, Zora’s Domain, Goron City, Korok Forest, Rito Village, Yiga Hideout, and Gerudo Town. I’m counting Yiga Hideout as a town because if the Yiga were a little nicer, it WOULD be marked one.

Adding the various stables on makes the place look MUCH less empty, but still; what can we do with this?

Well, I’ve spent the last several days locating all the significant ruins and landmarks, with one or two extra things thrown in, that I think would make this place much more populated.

Maps are free to use if you want them, btw. Have fun!

As a general rule of thumb, I want to make the towers and stables their own cities. The towers are a good landmark and beacon of safety, and the stables have all the building blocks to start building up a village.

If I’m particularly inspired, I’ll give some background on what the town is/does!

Starting off with the Rito! Their village has grown into a town, and the stable at its foothill is its own village now. I called it “fledgeling” because that’s where the Rito and Hylians would intermingle most, so the Rito aren’t exactly flying around here.

Beacon City is built around Tabantha Tower; the Rito have turned it into a sort of lighthouse, reflecting light off into the distance to help guide nighttime fliers home. Because of this, it’s a very popular stop for mail carriers, and where they go, development and cultural mixing follows.

Kaysa Town is built around Great Fairy Kaysa’s fountain; it’s a popular tourist attraction, and she gets plenty of offerings, so win-win!

For the Gorons, we’ve only got two more cities: Silversmith Village and Din’s Spire. Silversmith is built around the culture in the southern mines, and it has down-the-road access to the Goron Hot Springs. Din’s Spire is less of a town and more of a landmark, due to the sheer cliffs all around it, but the huge (and notably not in the burning death zone) hot spring lake makes it a popular rest stop for people on their way through.

I decided not to rebuild the northern mines; they’re pretty busted up and lava soaked, so my assumption is that they were abandoned either due to hazards or due to the ore being stripped out.

Korok Forest wouldn’t change much, besides the Royal Family declaring it a protected area. The Koroks don’t seem to have much interest in expansion, and they, as far as I know, don’t live in houses.

Gerudo Territory is MUCH more expansive than the others so far, and with good reason.

Gerudo Town itself is now Gerudo City, and the Kara Kara Bazaar has grown into a town. Canyon Stable has developed a village (mostly full of Gerudo husbands so they don’t have to travel a million miles just to see their families).

The Gerudo have control of one of the towers in their region, and the town built around it is Overlook Town. It mostly serves as a training grounds for young Gerudo warriors.

The City of the Seven developed when the Seven Heroine statues were recovered and restored; the town around them was built to honor them, and then it got a LOT of foot traffic from those wanting to see the legendary statues.

Tera Town rose up much in the same way Kaysa Town did up in Rito territory, centered around the Great Fairy Fountain.

Mesa Village and West Gerudo Town are both smaller Gerudo settlements; West Gerudo sprung up out of access to snowmelt from the Gerudo Highlands, and Mesa Village, because of its relative safety from Molduga and access to oasis water.

Finally, Gerudo Valley, in reference to Ocarina of Time. This town is a Gerudo-only zone, and is more a fortress than a town. It exists both to keep an eye on the Yiga and to gain control of the mountain pass, making people go through Canyon Village to get to Gerudo instead of avoiding Gerudo customs.

Speaking of the Yiga, they’ve taken two new spots for themselves; Gerudo Tower, which they’ve renamed Kohga Tower in honor of their late Master, and Banana Labyrinth, which serves as their highest security area. Imagine if you’d had to go through the LABYRINTH to get the Thunder Helm back.

Up next we’ve got the Zora. Truthfully, their territory spans as long as Zora river and WELL into the ocean, but these are the only cities that, technically, a Hylian with adequate gear can enter.

Mipha’s Landing is an above-water city built expressly for doing trade. It got its name from the late Mipha; since the tower reaches up into the sky, it was hoped that someday, her spirit would sit atop it for a rest and see all that her people had been able to do thanks to her sacrifice.

Lakebed Village is in Lake Hylia, and it’s actually a slowly-repopulating Lakebed Temple, from Twilight Princess. Meanwhile, Great Bay City is a port town above water and an aquatic metropolis below, full of music and dance and exotic wares.

And finally, Hylians.

Hoo boy.

I’ve split this up region by region but

THIS is how many living spots they’ve got.

Silver stars indicate military towns. Red stars indicate military outposts.

I USE THE TERM MILITARY VERY LOOSELY HERE. Hyrule, since it doesn’t interact with its neighbors, only has the Yiga and the various monsters to fight against. Anything labeled “military” means that it’s staffed by royal employ, meaning knights and Sheikah and the like.

Let’s start with Akkala. The northeast labyrinth has been converted into an emergency bunker, in case Calamity strikes and people need a safe place to hide. Not only is it difficult to break into, it also has a completely empty lower level that’s PERFECT for long-term seige.

City Tempest got its name for being near-constantly wracked by storms. Despite this, though, it remains a popular vacation spot for people who don’t mind a little rain; the Skull Lake and the giant flowers are worth it.

Valley Town rose up out of both East Akkala Stable and Robbie’s workshop. It doesn’t get too much foot traffic, but it doesn’t really need to.

Midna Village, I built where the ruins of Shadow Hamlet are. I figured it was a fitting name, and the area is almost constantly covered in the shadow of Death Mountain.

Four Brothers’ Base is a knight outpost that’s up extremely high, spanning huge bridges between the four Tingle isles.

Then Parapa Palace, in reference to Zelda II: Adventure of Link, was built in place of the Akkala Citadel and functions as a mini Hyrule Castle + Castle Town. In real life, monarchs would have several palaces to go between, kind of like how well-off people nowadays would have a summer home. So, I followed that trend! This is Zel’s summer palace.

And you guys know what Tarrey Town is. Although interestingly, as it expands, it goes vertical into the stone column it was built on.

Onto Central Hyrule.

Camp Rauru is training camp and lodging for new knights. Rebonae Village and Kasuto City were made out of the Wetland and Riverside stables respectively, though Kasuto (also an Adventure of Link reference) gets substantially more foot traffic due to being on the way from Castle Town to Dueling Peaks.

Outset Town got its name, lore-wise, from the fact that it’s the first bit of land Link from BotW visited after leaving the Great Plateau, and meta-wise, because it’s the starting point for Wind Waker Link.

Aquame City surrounds the Coliseum, which is how it grew to be so popular. The grand stage holds sparring matches and various other shows regularly, and it’s a pleasant boat trip from Castle Town to get there.

Saria Town was built out of the old exchange ruins, and it’s in walking distance of the ruined Sage Temple—which, at this point in time, would have been rebuilt—and its existence is both an AoL reference and an OoT one (but mostly AoL, I’ve kind of fallen in love with its map).

New Mabe is where you can find the new Lon Lon Ranch! The ruins there are actually called the Mabe Town Ruins in game, and they’re right by the Ranch Ruins!

Eldin’s pretty sparse as far as Hylian towns go. It’s got Gut Check Camp, where Sheikah train for endurance and elemental resistance, and Windfall Town, a place that sees a LOT of gemstones pass through, freshly mined. That includes rupee ore, mind you!

Faron Province is a little more spaced out, due to the nature of the region. Lurelin’s grown since BotW, becoming a trading bay; meanwhile Cora Lake’s Sheikah Tower has expanded into Parache Town, and the Highland Stable has become Malanya Village. Both of those locations are VERY fond of horses, and they’re a bit competitive, especially during archery season.

Ordona Hamlet is a tiny village tucked away into the middle of Faron. It came about due to the Lakeside Stable, and it’s named that because I am STILL salty that the Zeldevs didn’t put an Ordon Village reference in the game.

Eventide Outpost is more of a testing ground for boats than anything particularly significant, population-wise. The even tides that gave the isle its name make it an ideal location to work out the kinks in new watercraft (and occasionally, the lieutenant in charge of that base demonstrates how to launch a raft into the sky with octo balloons).

Hebra’s the most militarized area of Hyrule, and ideally, it functions as a reserve of men and tech in case Calamity rises again. If there’s anything that BotW’s era learned, it’s to never underprepare for Gann’s return.

Fort Lomei is a converted base, just like the Banana Labyrinth is to the Yiga. This one, though, is patrolled diligently by knights who use daily-changing codes, and it’s impossible to navigate without the locals’ help.

Fort Pikida is situated in that weird stone cavern-y area, and it’s a supply stach and Hebran monster patrol site. It’s the soldiers there’s job to make sure that the Lynels that like to roam the region don’t get too close to residential areas.

Hia Miu Outpost is a training spot for knights sent to the Hebra region; any new soldier to the area has to prove they can handle themselves by going into the Hia Miu shrine and taking on the Major Test of Strength Trial. (Fun fact, did you know that the X-test-of-strength trials reset themselves every blood moon?)

Snowpeak Fortress exists both because it makes a fantastic secondary base for the Hyrulean royals to plan, and because i am once again salty about the lack of Twilight Princess in this game.

Sturnida Resort is built around hot springs! It’s a nice spot for people living around Rito Town and Fledgling Village to take a vacation without having to trek all the way across the country to do it.

Snowfield City came from Snowfield Stable, and it’s the Windfall of Hebra; it sees a LOT of people coming in and out of the region, and the view of the northern lights you can get from there? You’d be hard-pressed to find a Hylian that didn’t have it on their bucket list.

New Tabantha was built on the ruined spot of the original Tabantha Village; you can visit there in-game! It’s a quiet town that raises highland sheep for a living, and its team won the Hebran Triathlon three whole years in a row.

Then, the Tanagar Restricted Zone. If you’ve ever been there, you know EXACTLY why it’s restricted.

Most of the Guardians inside have been dealt with, but the ruined temple remains a hazard testing ground for new tech. It’s off limits to everyone but those with the HIGHEST clearance; I’m talking a direct letter from Zelda herself.

The Thyphlo Secret Camp is exactly what it says on the tin. It’s a place for Hyrulean lieutenants to meet for top-secret missions, and it’s one of those places that you need to be SERIOUSLY high rank to even KNOW about.

Over on the edge of Lanayru, we’ve got New Goponga, built where the old Goponga ruins are, and the Crenel Garrison. The Garrison was built to take care of the Lizalfos problems in the waterways, keeping it safe for Hylians and Zora travelers alike. Goponga, on the other hand, is what Lurelin was in game; nice, friendly, and centered around fishery.

In Necluda, we’ve got New Deya where old Deya was ruined (I think BotW Link was born in old Deya!), Watchtower Village built around the lakeside of the Dueling Peaks tower, and then Dueling Peaks City, a HUGE trade hub that was once the Dueling Peaks stable.

Kakariko Village is now a Town, Hateno has grown into a full blown trade harbor, and a tiny village has started to form around the Hateno Tower, making Firly Overlook.

But what I most love is the City of Hylanay.

Back in the game, it was the ruins of the Lanayru Promenade. So I had the promenade rebuilt, then people moved in around it, and now, Hylanay’s basically Hyrulean Venice! I want to visit it.

On the Great Plateau, we’ve got Aboda Town, named after Spirit Tracks’ Aboda Village in reference to the starting point in each game. This Town has access to the original Temple of Time, but because of the nature of the isolated plateau, it doesn’t see a lot of new faces often.

Over around Thundra, we’ve got Tanagar Village overlooking the canyon, built out of the old Tabantha Stable. The village actually builds downwards into the canyon; people have windows carved right out of the cliff face!

Thundra Village is built into the rocky slopes surrounding Thundra Plateau and the Ridgeland Tower. Their houses are built in the shelter of the giant mushroom things that grow so well in the area, and they’re famous for their signature dish of escargot.

The Serenne Exchange is up north, encompassing both the old Serenne Stable and the Maritta exchange ruins. You can buy practically ANYTHING there; if ever there was a supermarket in Hyrule, it would be right there.

The Royal Lab was rebuilt out of its ruins post Calamity, and it’s directed by Purah, who still hasn’t cured her immortality yet. It’s not uncommon to hear explosions as you pass by that place.

And then Camp Rutile is a small observational outpost, meant to keep track of the activity on Satori Mountain. Supposedly, the mountain’s health reflects the state of the rest of the kingdom, so the researchers assigned there are tasked with monitoring it EXTREMELY closely.

And Hyrule Castle. It’s Hyrule Castle.

Now completely bolted into the ground! :D

If we put all these locations together, we get a very nice, very well populated Hyrule, with LOTS to see. This is how I would design the future of BotW’s Hyrule.

Thanks for reading!

[pagesoflauren]

Money’s Worth - You’re Mine

soft husband!Ransom Drysdale x reader

Summary: Starting 2021 answering the question I got asked the most in 2020: “How will the reader react to learning that Ransom hooked up with someone when she was away for Christmas?”

A/N: When y’all filled out this poll, there was a 100% yes answer for a spinoff for The Highest Bidder. Well, here it is: Money’s Worth. In which Ransom is getting $50,000+ worth of experiences with his wife and child(ren). If you have more ideas, don’t be shy, drop ‘em in my ask box! I’ll update this series from time to time. 

If you were tagged in Highest Bidder, I automatically tagged you in this. If you’d like to be removed, let me know! My feelings won’t be hurt, I promise ❤️

Also, I’m sorry if your name is Amanda 🥴

Warnings: smut, swearing, jealousy, angst, daddy!kink

The Highest Bidder Masterlist

Money’s Worth Masterlist

Main Masterlist

“Darling, can you go over to the next aisle and get a couple boxes of pasta?” 

Ransom nods, even though you’re too engrossed in looking at the differences between chickpea-based and gluten-based pasta. 

His son is awake, wide eyes looking around at brightly colored food packages and fluorescent lights with a pacifier in his mouth. From what Ransom recalls of tales from when he was a baby, Harlan Jr. is more like you. Quietly observing, not kicking up too much of a fuss. 

Pinching the baby’s nose gently and coaxing a small giggle out of him, Ransom ventures over to the next aisle to find the pasta you like. 

A sharp gasp and an obnoxious “oh my God,” draws his attention. When he looks up and finds the source of the voice, his stomach gurgles with dread and annoyance. 

“All the times I’ve been here, I’ve never seen you,” she says. “What are you up to? Disappointing more girls in bed?”

Ransom weighs his options in his head. He could dig low, reminding her of all the times she was actually begging for him, or he could take the high ground, grab the pasta, and ignore her. 

He does the latter, though makes the mistake of using his left hand to do so.

“Is that a wedding band?” she scoffs. 

“Yeah, it is--” 

“Oh, Ransom, don’t get that one, we want the bigger noodles.” 

Shutting his eyes, Ransom shouts all the swear words he can think of in his mind. This is such bad timing! 

“No fucking way,” Rebecca--or is it Veronica?--scoffs. 

“Hi,” Ransom sees you give a sickeningly sweet smile and he wants to disappear into the shelves. “I’m sorry, I don’t recall ever meeting you.” 

“I’m Amanda.” 

Wow. Completely different name than the ones his mind was supplying. 

“Your husband and I know each other pretty well.” 

He can see the gears turning in your head, analyzing the situation. 

“Quite frankly, I’m not surprised about the little one. I’m sure he did the same thing to you as he did to me, just finished and decided he was done without fully getting the job done!”

You’re visibly taken aback. “I’m sorry?” 

“Oh, we just hooked up casually like, two years ago? I can’t really remember, it was during Christmas though. Hadn’t heard from him in a while and he mentioned being lonely and I figured ‘Why not?’”

“Two years ago?” you echo, looking at her, then at Ransom. 

“It was casual, I left right after,” he points out, 

“Oh, were you two together then? I’m so sorry--”

“You know what, Veronica, just get your stupid pasta or rice or whatever the fuck you’re here for and leave me and my wife in peace! Don’t you have better shit to do?!”

“It’s Amanda.”

“I don’t care.” 

Rolling her eyes, she leaves, turning on her heel and exiting the aisle. 

Ransom turns back to you and doesn’t like the thoughtful look on your face. You don’t look at him or Harlan, just at the contents in your cart. 

“Hey, don’t let whatever she said get to you. You know I love you,” he reaches for you, fingertip just grazing your cheek and you cringe away from him. 

“Just put the pasta in the cart and let’s go.” 

You’ve snapped at him before to remind him to stop completely at intersections or double check the temperature of Harlan’s bottle. You’ve never snapped at him that way, in irritation as if you can’t stand him. 

He recoils, drawing his touch away from you. “Well, just...let me get the right one.” 

“Ransom,” you deadpan, “I wanna go home. Just put the pasta in the cart and let’s. go.” 

He does as you say, carefully placing the boxes atop the other items. 

You don’t speak to him as you check out and sit in the backseat with Harlan to make sure he’s okay as he drives the three of you home. His little eyelids drop closed, completely calm despite the palpable tension between the two of you. 

Once at home, Ransom takes care of the groceries while you bring Harlan upstairs to his crib so he can continue to sleep. Just as you get him settled, you hear your husband pipe up. 

“So, can we talk about what happened at the grocery store?”

You sigh, straightening up. You cross your arms as you turn to face him. “When was the last time you saw her?” 

“When you were on winter break a few months after you had just moved in.” 

You bite the inside of your cheek, a whirlpool of emotions spinning around in your chest. 

You’re angry and hurt, but you don’t know why. The two of you were just starting your sugar arrangement and it wasn’t anything deeper than that. There weren’t any feelings on your end until the following spring. 

“It wasn’t anything, it was just some hook up. She was just being a bitch because I left--”

“I don’t want to hear about it,” you interrupt him. 

You had long reconciled Ransom’s past and never held it against him. But you just cannot pin the exact reason why this revelation bothers you. 

“Look, I’m still figuring out things going on in my head. And I don’t really...I don’t really want to see you right now.” 

“I don’t understand why this is such a big deal,” he argues, “We weren’t anything. We only became a thing in July.” 

“Really?” you wonder. You weren’t going to bring this up, but it feels fair in order to get him to understand your perspective. “I had a crush on someone from my cohort.” You watch his expression shift from annoyed to surprised. “I kissed him once. In November, after I moved in with you. But it didn’t work out because I was living with you, so we decided to not do anything about it.” 

You can see the visible tinge of red on his neck. “Are you saying that just to get at me?”

“It’s the truth,” you say. “Does it bother you?” 

You can see him setting his jaw as he takes in the information. 

“But we weren’t anything, right?” you remind him of the words he spoke just minutes before. 

Ransom doesn’t say anything. He turns away and walks down the hall. You hear him going down the stairs and then the door to his office slams. 

You check on Harlan, he’s still sound asleep. Slightly relieved, you move into your bedroom and sit on the mattress. 

Ransom lets out a long-winded groan when he deletes the sentence he’s been working on for the fifty-second time in twenty minutes. 

He feels odd knowing you liked someone when you were living with him, just as the seeds of his feelings were being planted. He’s taken pride in the fact that he was the only one to have you, but turns out your heart was a better prize and that wasn’t his completely. 

He doesn’t doubt you love him and he’s certain he never has to worry about sharing you ever again, but it still bothers him. 

He scrubs his hands over his face and rubs the back of his neck. 

He remembers fights between his parents never being resolved, which resulted in their marriage slowly disintegrating into a financial arrangement than a romantic relationship. 

He knows you late at night when you’re both hungry; knows you pregnant and crying over hermit crabs while watching nature documentaries; knows you between his arms and keeping him warm, making him feel safe and loved when he felt he didn’t deserve it. He doesn’t want this to turn into anything close to the example of marriage he saw growing up. 

Shutting his laptop, he gets up and marches to the door. When he yanks it open, you’re standing there. 

“What are you doing?” 

You look caught, as if you’re somewhere you’re not supposed to be. “I...I wanted to talk. Unless you don’t want to.”

You begin to leave and he grabs your arm. “No, let’s talk.” 

Stepping into the room feels reminiscent of walking into his office at the publishing house for the first time. You’re not comfortable entering this territory. 

Hugging your arms around your middle, making yourself look as small as you feel, you decide to just be forward. Your words come out sheepishly, “I just...I didn’t like knowing the moment I was gone, you went out and replaced me. Even if we didn’t have an exclusive label. And, I just thought, like, I realize it doesn’t matter because we’re married. And like you said, I know you love me. But, I don’t know. Just didn’t sit right with me.” 

Ransom sighs, shaking his head. “I wasn’t replacing you or anything like that. I...I saw a change in myself from just having you with me for a few months. But I thought you’d leave as soon as you got the opportunity,” he uses a large sweeping gesture as if he’s picturing you leaving all over again. “And I’d…” he hesitates, hand up by his head before his arm goes slack, “be back to my shitty normal self.” 

It’s different now with the explanation, and you wish you had been in the mindset to listen to him earlier instead of hurt him.

“And I get it. Knowing you had a crush on some guy doesn’t sit right with me either. I just,” he looks up and distantly, “I wonder what he had. What made you like him but then you were fine with nothing happening and then you started liking me?” 

“Neither of us were ready for a relationship at the time. We had just started and our first semester was crazy.” You take your turn to explain. “And feelings just come and go sometimes. I saw him again in February and it just...wasn’t there.” 

He takes in your strikingly simpler explanation, understanding your reference to fleeting feelings that are gone almost as quickly as they appear. 

“I’m sorry, Ransom. I shouldn’t have said anything about that. It was so stupid and it really didn’t mean anything--”

“Neither did Amanda.” 

“I…” you trail off, not knowing what to say. 

“I wasn’t being very understanding earlier when you first said it bothered you. You were just trying to get me to know your side of things.” 

“Doesn’t make it right,” you counter. “I really am so sorry.” 

Ransom smiles and laughs to himself. He still doesn’t know how to accept an apology. He sighs, reaching for you. “How long do you think junior will be asleep?” 

“Could be an hour, maybe two,” you answer as he draws you closer with a hand around your waist. 

“Think that’s plenty of time for us to make it up to each other.”

“Technically I need to make it up to you,” you correct him as you take his hand. “And I know how I want to.” 

You lead him back around his desk, ushering him to sit in his chair. It’s large with dark blue velvet, providing enough room for you too and straddle his lap. 

You dive for his mouth, capturing his lips in a heated kiss. 

His left hand comes to cradle your jaw, keeping your lips locked onto his, while his right hand drifts down your back to cup your bottom. 

You grind your core against his, smiling when you feel his hips jut up to yours. Tilting your head you give a tentative lick into his mouth. He opens up, bringing his tongue in to play with yours. 

It reminds you of how it was when it started; being shy  and letting him take the lead. You haven’t fallen into this cloudy headspace in a long time, but it feels so good that when you pull back and gasp the word “daddy,” it feels so natural. 

Ransom, on the other hand, is taken aback. He’s gotten used to you calling him “darling” or other terms of endearment. Hearing you call him that awakens something that had long gone into hibernation; and he wasn’t sure if it would ever see the light of day again. 

But like you, he slips into the space, creating a firm grip on your ass as a smirk appears on his face. 

“Wanna call me ‘daddy,’ baby? Hm?” he taunts. Your eyes are wide and doey, feigning innocence when he knows you’re far from it now. “Well, guess we can do that. We’ll make up for that night I wasted on someone else.” 

He watches your brows furrow and eyes squint in anger. Your hands slide into his hair, fingers tightening in the tresses. It creates a pull on his scalp, something he enjoys. “You’re mine, daddy,” you whisper just before your lips are on his again, kissing him harder than before, certain to bruise. 

You pull away and lean down to nip at his neck, hands moving to the waistband of his pants. You pop the button and undo the zipper unceremoniously. 

You remove yourself from his lap only to kneel between his legs on the carpet, pulling his jeans down to his knees. His boxers are quick to follow, revealing his hardening member. You grasp it, giving it a few squeezes and tugs the way you know he likes, watching his head loll back against the back of his chair. 

“This is mine, too,” you say. 

“Yeah?” he pants, looking down at you. A hand grazes through your hair, stopping at the back of your head. “My cock only belongs to you?” 

You nod, working him with more determination. 

“Then take it, baby.” 

You practically lunge for it, leaning forward to take him into your mouth, lips spreading to accommodate his girth. 

You’re satisfied with the sound Ransom makes, something between pained and blissful. He eggs you on, gathering your hair into a ponytail secured with his hand as he guides you to take more and withdraw in rhythm. 

You want him to finish in your mouth, but he pulls you off him and makes to lift you back onto his lap. You stand, already shimmying out of your bottoms. 

Straddling him again, you focus your attention down to poise yourself just above the head of him. 

He takes your chin between his thumb and forefinger and makes you look at him before crashing his lips on yours once more. 

“Take what’s yours, baby. It’ll always be yours,” he whispers. 

You sink down, crying out at the feeling of him within you. The doctor had just given you the green light to resume sex as normal after Harlan’s birth weeks ago, but you haven’t been able to find a lot of time to tangle with each other without your baby or Ransom’s book needing attention. 

Ransom appears to have an equally hazy feeling, looking at you with heavy-lidded eyes. You straighten up slightly until just the tip of him is in and lower yourself again. 

It’s so much for the both of you that his hands come to your waist and he guides your pace. “Slow,” he instructs you. 

You obey, finding a steady pattern as you build a climax for the both of you. Coaxing your hips the slightest bit forward, Ransom sinks all the way to reach that spot within you that makes you see stars. 

“Like that, baby?” he taunts you again, moving your hips up and down his length. “Tell daddy.” 

“Yes,” you gasp, “Just like that, daddy.” 

He works you until you’re nearing your end, tightening and pulsing around him to bring on his orgasm as well. Just as you’re about to fall over the edge, he taps below your eyes, a silent request for you to look at him. 

Your eyes meet his and he verbalizes exactly what he’s thinking. “I’m yours,” he pants, “I’m yours, my baby, my sunshine.” You fall forward and kiss him, letting him swallow your moans and whines. “Come for me, let me show you.” 

Your body weakens in his grasp, leaning onto him for support. Your movements falter and he makes up for them, jutting his hips up until he’s finishing within you. 

You gasp at the warmth that blooms in your stomach, feeling like gravity is failing but it’s okay; Ransom’s holding onto you, keeping you grounded. 

He holds you tightly as you breathe heavily, trying to recover your strength. You sigh and your arms wrap around his shoulders. You hear him chuckle and lean back. 

“We should’ve thought this through better,” he smiles, “We gotta get upstairs and clean up.” 

You moan your disappointment. “M’tired. Can’t we just stay here a bit?” 

Moving your hair out of your face, he kisses your exposed forehead. “Okay, sunshine,” he agrees. “Just a few minutes.” 

Permatag: @caffiend-queen​ @fckdeusername​ @lou-la-lou​ @bangtan-serendipity​ @stargazingfangirl18​ @lovemarvelousfics​ @rainbowkisses31​ @richonne4life​ @damnndeanndamnn​ @meetmeatyourworst​ @tinyplanet-explorer​ @vivien-1211​ @unknownmystery22​ @nerdygirl8203​ @xoxabs88xox​ @mariaenchanted​ @gotnofucks​ @denisemarieangelina​ @myoxisbroken​ @kelbabyblue​ @pspice639​ @maynay43​

Chris tag: @onetwo3000​ @patzammit​ @astheworlddturns​ @inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @maeleeme​ @tvckerlance​ @thiskindahotkindamusic​

Ransom tag: @jeremyrennermakesmesmile​

Highest Bidder Taglist: @imanuglywombat @sapphirescrolls @just-another-wretched-egg @ladynightshade30 @angstsfordays @icanfeelastormbrewing @buckysteveloki-me @what-is-your-plan-today @geniedetails @twittytelly @an-awkward-human-1 @fanfiction-trashpile @jtargaryen18 @donutloverxo @princess-evans-addict @asiaaisa77 @kelbabyblue @my-emotional-self @saiyanprincessswanie @captainchrisstan @buchanansebba @sweater-daddiesdumbdork @andiebell2023 @avengerraven1023 @dahkness @saiyanprincessswanie@sllooney @sheerfreesia007 @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @suzieqsez @edge-ofparadise @bellaireland1981  @tinystudentfirepurse @opheliadawnwalker3 @siggy85 @thatweirdwalangpake @captain-asthmatic @mery-be @isaxhorror @everythingisoverrated @imboredat2am @tsunderebae009 @arseofrivia @alexakeyloveloki @heyarely16 @empower-bi-women @buckaro0 @readermia @bubbaduck33 @ssworldofsw @woah-kanda @itgetsdarksometimes35 @pinkshenanigan @sweetwaterprincess @mrsenos08 @flowersnbeer  @syms-things-5 @leahedgehog @chase-your-dreams-away @my-dirty-spot @what-is-your-wish @candy-and-writing @shayrey @princessofdarkwinter @denisemarieangelina @optimistic-dinosaur-nacho @ornella0910 @hailmary-yramliah @justlovelifeblog @wxstedhexrt @taketimeandappreciate @abundanceofcarolines @cassim297 @rachellovesharry @orenjineki @heyitsmeimdead @omgkatinka @mandiiblanche @mrsdeanwinchester19 @wtfevenismypage @nannies-dont-date @cockslut-padalecki @buckysknifecollections @wth-trippy @riverscyberwife @capcevans81 @lunarmoon8 @nowigetthereference @cltex84 @x-abi-sharp-x @miss-jackson500 @corneliabarnes @rogertaylur @selinakyle373 @tuiccim @celestialblu7 @maynay43 @jennmurawski13 @miri-est-fou @pastathighs​ @capsicle-shield​ @redhairedfeistynerd​ @badbo1-evans @inactivewhore​ @wandascarlett​ @saint-bvcky​ @newdaynewyearnewlife​ @arianabrashierstuff​ @goldenfightergir​ @lalalalemonade11​ @actuallygroot @smediumsmeatbae​ @may-machin​ @onelovesr​ @loustan90​ @perplexed3001​ @deafeningwritingtechnologysoul​ @rhumphr4​ @pandawalnut​ @fanngirl19​

[firelxdykatara]

Hello! I say this in the kindest way possible, but can you please provide evidence that theowelspeaks is a terf? I'm a black zutara shipper and for years have really felt shoved by the fandom and it hasn't been my safe space. But YOUR blog and you made me feel better. I'm not in your discord but you're being accused of racism. I don't follow the owlspeaks and wanna support you but if you're being accused of racism why are you calling someone a terf?

Can you please show where they are a terf? I'm only asking this because I really REALLY love you and I support you. And if they are a terf, you need to provide evidence. It is heavily suspicious when a person of color calls out a white woman on racism and you don't address the accusations but just call them a terf. I want to support you I really do because you made me feel comfortable in the fandom, but I need to see concrete evidence that they're a terf. Never mind, I saw the whole situation and honestly I'm disgusted I ever follow or looked up to you. You're literally no different from other racist white shippers. I think there went my love for zutara.

I'm going to take this at face value--not that, on any real level, I actually believe you were a follower of mine or did anything close to due diligence, because if you were or had then you would know that I never actually called that blogger a terf--and answer as respectfully as I can. Mostly because I want anyone who has genuine issues with anything I've said or done to know that despite whatever's going around about me right now, I am willing to listen to criticism if it comes from a place of good faith.

(You can think whatever you want about my insistence on 'good faith', but the fact is that I have weathered being slammed with accusations of pedophilia and other horrible things over differences in headcanon of shit like character ages or writing a fic set years post-canon because I felt like it, right down to the insistence that I'm a horrible racist because of my url, so no. I'm not going to listen to someone slinging slurs and buzzwords in my inbox just because they claim to be a poc. And before that sets anyone off, the slurs I'm talking about are aimed at my queerness. I do not consider being called racist or a white bitch or whatever slurs, because they aren't.)

First of all, once again, I never called that blogger a terf. You can easily read my post about them for yourself and see that--ctrl+F for the term 'terf', and you will not find it. Why? Because I called them out on peddling radfem rhetoric, (which they are) not for being a terf. All terfs are radfems--it's in the name--but not all radfems are terfs, although all radfem rhetoric is exceptionally harmful to queer people in general, and queer poc more than most, as is the nature of intersectionality.

Anti-kink rhetoric, and the insistence that some kink is inherently harmful and that no one could legitimately have these kinks or fetishes without being mentally ill or traumatized, is radfem rhetoric. That's where it comes from, that's where it leads to, and I'll be honest here, 'radfem' is not an identity label. It's an ideology. You do not get to parrot core tenets of that ideology and then claim to not be a radfem. That simply isn't how this works.

Furthermore, I have no idea who the person behind theowlspeaks blog is. I will take them at their word that they are not white, but that doesn't exactly narrow things down--and considering the fact that they chose to put me on blast for their small but dedicated ring of followers rather than actually coming to me personally first about any of this (their blog is very obviously a burner, and it wouldn't have been that difficult to approach me since I've only ever turned anon off once, for one night to give myself some breathing room, and otherwise my asks and DMs have always been open), I have no reason to actually care about what they're saying. But I point out the lack of knowledge of their identity because a) they didn't even reveal themselves as not white until.... yesterday? or something, when they were directly asked about it, and b) trying to frame this as 'white woman accused of racism calls person of color a terf' is... disingenuous at best given the fact that I have been calling them a radfem (which they are) since well before they posted that screenshot and my name wound up on their blog, so you got the order of events just a little backwards.

I blocked them initially because of the radfem rhetoric they were peddling about kink and fetishes, and I have the right to establish that boundary. This blog is for me, it is my space, and I do not have to expose myself to views I find gross or harmful just because they dress it up in faux-woke terminology and try to pretend they actually care.

If they cared about real people more than the fictional characters they are so adamantly 'protecting', then they wouldn't have brushed off the actual racism (from one of their followers--they're more than happy to blast me without any evidence, but that's hardly out of the ordinary for people like that) that was brought to their attention by refocusing the discussion on the fake people who literally can't be hurt by any of this because they don't exist. They wouldn't be ignoring the two woc who chose to contact them and tell them why they made the choices they did regarding both the discord and the smut week event, while being perfectly happy to platform anons who may or may not be who or what they say they are.

I, for one, am not going to apologize for caring more about real people than fictional characters. I'm not going to apologize for thinking it's absolutely ludicrous to pretend that fiction is somehow harmful just by existing, especially when it's appropriately tagged so that anyone who finds the content harmful can avoid it. I'm not going to back down from these opinions just because a handful of people have apparently decided I'm a horrible person because of it. And I'm certainly not going to apologize for thinking it's despicable that someone who was not involved in the conversation chose to leak out of context screenshots rather than privately contacting any of the people involved or even going to any of the mods, before going right to an anonymous blog. You may not care about me or my mental health, but I had panic attacks because of that leak--not because I said anything untoward in that screenshot, not because I've ever said anything in that discord that I wouldn't happily stand behind on my blog, but because I no longer felt safe. And I am not going to bare my trauma to a complete stranger to justify that lmfao.

So, like, think what you want to. I'm pretty sure that blogger is getting high off of the drama they are creating, none of which would actually have happened or been any real issue if more people were able to think, gee, maybe this work that is tagged with things I don't want to read about is not for me! Maybe I shouldn't read this piece, since it would probably upset me, and there's plenty others around for me to consume! I do not trust that blogger's intentions. I do not trust that they actually give a shit about any real people, or they wouldn't have posted an out of context screenshot of... literally nothing tbh, when they had no right to and are now protecting the identity of the person who leaked them instead of giving a shit about any of the real people in that space who no longer feel safe because we aren't sure who we can't trust.

But you've already made up your mind, and I can't change that. I genuinely hope you have a nice life, and find fandom spaces more suited to your tastes.

[waka-chan-out]

I love your blog and writing so much!!

The haikyuu Fandom is great but at this point I feel like I want some characters to be subs out of spite. Like, oh, kuroo is a sex God dom? No, he has a mommy kink now. Tsukki is a sadistic dom always? Now he's a pillow princess. I had to share because this entered my mind and won't leave ever since you talked about bad fanon characters

thank you so much darling and i agree completely !!!!!! i genuinely believe the only character i couldn’t dom is iwaizumi. here are my biggest examples of characters written as doms when i think they’re FAR from.

please keep in mind that these are just my thoughts and they don’t need to have any bearing on how you want to perceive these characters. you do what makes you happy. this is all in good fun.

tsukishima

you mentioned him already, but i think it’s extremely important to note him again here. he is NOT a dom. nowhere close. i honestly don’t think he’s even into sub/dom stuff. he strikes me as someone that doesn’t put a label on his sexuality and what he enjoys, and will experiment regularly. he’s a brat through and through and needs to get put in his place.

oikawa

holy shit, the king of bad fanon representation. what the hell about this man tells you he’s a dom? he’s a masochist, a big one at that, and i just think he gets too caught up in how he’s feeling to actually dominate anyone.

ushijima

in theory, yes. he’s a dom. he’s got the body and the determination for it. in reality, if y’all think he has the mental capacity to have any sort of command in the bedroom you’re sorely mistaken. love the guy, but boy howdy his brain is empty. he needs to work up to expressing love physically anyway, i don’t think sex would be that different. if you wanted him to be more in control you’d really have to push him on it and communicate very clearly. otherwise you get dumb little pillow princess ushijima, which is more than fine by me.

aone

this one always makes me scratch my head. i cannot conceive of a dominant aone. you just gotta hold his hand and walk him along through the whole process. there’s no way he could ever ever be a hard dom. dirty talk? out of the question. getting “railed” by him? good luck baby. he’s your soft, quiet boyfriend and you’d better take care of him or i will

kita

i’ve talked about this before. i’m not gonna beat a dead horse. i just have a very specific view of his character and it makes me wildly uncomfortable when he’s written as dominant, or worse, mean.

meian

yeah i know i know, meg shut up about meian, but i CAN’T LET IT GO. meian is at most a switch. captain kink. high heel fetish. likes being degraded and humiliated. he just doesn’t strike me as a mean dom, or a dom at all. he’s soft and will do anything in the world to make you come, probably wrecking his body in the process. then he’ll get up at 6:30 am the next day and make your coffee just how you like it and tell you you’re beautiful. husband material. he deserves a strong spouse that’s gonna take care of him right back.

i really appreciate you bringing this up! i think this is a super interesting thing to talk about. in any fandom people will project their own tastes onto the characters they write for, and that’s totally fine. but that’s also a huge reason that tagging and content warnings are so important. if i go into a fic with a comfort character of mine and it morphs into something i wasn’t expecting, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable and i avoid reading that character for a while. so yes, tag your fics and make sure people know what they’re in for beforehand.

in the meantime i’m gonna keep writing my dom!reader haikyuu content and minding my business. i love talking about things like this!

[luxekook]

chapter seven.

⇥ pairing: ot7 x reader

⇥ genre: college au with fluff, smut & angst

⇥ summary: a series in which the reader meets (and falls for) seven members of the Beta Tau Sigma (BTS) fraternity

⇥ word count: 3.6k

⇥ warnings: 18+, lots of cursing, general chaotic energy, poly relationship, a short confrontation, mentions of slut-shaming, switch!reader, dom!joon, switch!jin, sub!jimin, library shenanigans, an abundance of coffee, punishments, spanking, bad puns (jin is in this chapter, DUH), many nerd references uwu

© luxekook. please do not repost, modify, edit or translate.

characters | prologue | one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine

Chapter Seven

Quinn Library – 3:54pm

The end of September passes in a blur of studying, partying, volunteering, and spending time with friends. The month’s conclusion also includes the increasing presence of seven boys in my everyday routine.

Since giving Taehyung the suck of his life in the bathroom of Hannigan’s, I have been basically fighting off the seven of them for a moment to breathe. But, sometimes breathing is overrated when being smothered by affection.

Going from being single to essentially dating seven people is quite the adjustment. I found myself growing attached to them – something that both excited and scared the shit out of me. We haven’t discussed labels or anything, but I figure it’s only a matter of time. The boys have apparently been planning an elaborate first date for this upcoming weekend, and I feel like they’ll probably ask to make it official then.

My stomach erupts in butterflies at the thought, and I take a calming breath. No need to overthink such things.

While it might be unconventional by some societal standards, polyamory is simply a way to love. Why should love come with confines? With binary expectations? The saying ‘love is love’ gets thrown around a lot, but I believe it bears repeating.

Jenni and Luna have been nothing but supportive to me over the past two weeks. They even came with me to volunteer this past weekend because they - and I quote - wanted to ‘check out our vibe’. But, I wholeheartedly expect that the real reason had actually been for them to feel out the boys’ intentions.

Why did I suspect this? Well, because Jungkook had come up to me within the first fifteen minutes at the worksite quivering in fear over how ‘scary my friends were’ and how ‘Jenni had cornered him to interrogate him while Luna hovered behind her, menacingly holding a nail-gun’.

I had never felt more loved and supported by my friends.

My phone dings, and I quickly hasten to put it on silent, shooting an embarrassed and apologetic look around the library. It seems like most people have headphones in, and I let out a sigh of relief. No one wants to be that one loud person in the library.

Checking my notifications, I smile when I see it’s a SnapChat from Hobi in the group chat the boys created a few weeks ago. My thumb swipes it open, and I barely contain myself from announcing to the whole library how vibrantly handsome one of my potential boyfriends is.

I quickly send a SnapChat back of me and my stack of books in the library with the caption ‘send help in the form of coffee’.

Immediately, Taehyung sends a flurry of heart eyes emojis in the chat, Jungkook sends a ‘noona is so cute’, and Yoongi sends back a picture of a black screen with the caption ‘come nap with me’.

God, I would love to nap with Yoongi right now… Alone time with the older boy is so elusively precious. One day last week at their house, I had mentioned wanting to learn piano. Yoongi had just grabbed my hand and tugged me to his room. We had spent a couple hours together in the small corner of his room playing on his keyboard.

Well, he had been playing; I had been fumbling around like a buffoon - half uncoordinated in general and half flustered by how good Yoongi looked playing. His hands had been so nimble as they flew over the keys, crafting melodies I could only assume he had composed. His focus had been so fucking hot as he nodded slightly along to the tempo in his head, his eyes shooting over to look at me every once in a while.

My hand kink? Activated.

My willpower to not kiss the shit out of Yoongi? Nonexistent.

When Yoongi had paused in between songs, I may or may not have grabbed him by his shirt collar and kissed him. His blushing attempt to dodge me had been so cute; and when I had stopped trying to kiss him, he had pouted and then kissed me instead.

What a cutie…

A giggle draws my attention from my reminiscing. At first, I pay it no mind, taking it as a directive to dive back into my studies. But then, the whispering starts.

“I heard she’s fucking her way through the whole house.”

“Isn’t there a term for that?”

“Yeah, a frat rat.”

I slam my 500-page textbook closed and stand, leveling the duo of gossiping girls with a glare that could make grown men cry. It had before when I had to properly eviscerate my uncle in defense of feminism at our last family gathering. What a time that had been.

“Is there a problem?” I force the question through gritted teeth, stalking over towards their nearby table. I relish in the way they gape at me, eyes wide and pupils quivering, “I’m sorry. I’m afraid my complaint jar is at capacity. Please don’t try again later.”

The girl on the right gulps, “No-nope, there’s no problem! We were just leaving. Right, Janika?”

“No,” The girl who had called me a ‘frat rat’ just moments before crosses her arms and stands, “I do, like, have a problem.”

“Janika,” The other girl tugs on the sleeve of the one standing, “Don’t.”

“Yeah, Janika,” I smile, “Don’t.”

I can see the moment she snaps.

“You’re, like, such a fucking bitch! I don’t know what they all see in you. Oh wait, yes I do. You’re fucking easy.”

I consider myself to be a patient person, but having to endure this type of rant against my character - and against women’s sexual freedom in general - has pushed me well past my limits.

“Now, listen here, Janika,” I take another step forward, “You can keep talking your shit. I really don’t give a flying fuck what you think about me. But I really advise you to google ‘how to stop slut-shaming for dummies’ because it seems like you need a crash course.”

Janika’s face darkens, “Whatever. They’ll get tired of you anyway.”

“Yeah,” I let out an amused laugh, “I’m sure they’ll get real tired of me choking on their dicks every night.”

Letting out a gasp, Janika whirls back around to face her silent friend, “Let’s go. I don’t want to, like, be around her any longer.”

“Buh-bye now,”I wiggle my fingers in their direction as they shuffle out of the library.

Smiling in satisfaction, I head back towards my table. Without hesitation, I gather my books and belongings and head upstairs to the quiet floor. Any more distractions or confrontations would probably make my blood pressure pop off the charts.

The quiet floor, as one of my safe havens, is home to several small private study rooms. Peering into each, I start to lose hope that any would be available. Finally, the very last room proves me wrong, and I swing open the door and almost in tears over the sweet, sweet solitude.

This particular study room is tucked away in the very far corner of the library’s second floor. Not many people are aware of its location, and it seems that paid off for me today. Plopping my things down across the table in the center of the tiny room, I follow suit and drop down into one of the two chairs adjoining the table.

What a clusterfuck of an afternoon… This sadly isn’t the first time I’ve heard some comments being made about my association with the BTS boys, and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. Yet, part of me knew all along that this would be the trade-off.

After all, what are a few irrelevant opinions to seven gorgeous and loyal partners? Inconsequential - in my opinion. That is the reason why I haven’t breathed a word of the backlash to anyone.

Sighing, I flip open my textbook to where I had been before being rudely interrupted.

The amygdala plays a key role in emotion and behavior…

“Noona?”

I jump a half-mile out of my chair, slapping a hand over my pounding heart. Jimin had somehow managed to enter the room without my knowledge. Had he fucking teleported?

Holding a giant iced coffee in one hand and a cinnamon bun in the other, Jimin beams at me and ignores the fact he just scared the living shit out of me. “Hi, noona! I saw your SnapChat while I was in class, and I came here as soon as I could.”

I stare dumbfounded at the angel before me. Jimin is slightly out of breath with reddened cheeks and a sweaty brow. His black track-pants are slung low on his hips, his long-sleeve white t-shirt clings to his torso, his black duffle bag thrown carelessly over one shoulder. He must have run over straight from dance class.

Standing abruptly, I stalk over to where Jimin is still posted up by the doorway to the study room. Toe to toe with him, I blurt out while still half in a daze, “You really brought me coffee and food?”

He eyes me warily like I might suddenly jump on him at any moment. Shifting his weight back and forth, Jimin hesitantly replies, “Um, yes?"

I take the coffee and cinnamon bun from his hands, place them on the table, and then tackle him with the biggest hug. "You absolute sweetheart!" I murmur into the crook of his neck, "This made my day. Thank you, Jimin-ie."

His hands tentatively wrap around me, pulling me closer. "You're welcome, noona. I just wanted to do something nice for you.”

“Well, I really appreciate it, baby,” My lips brush over the crevice of his collarbone and relish in his shudder. Bringing my head up to face his, I smile widely at him, “Can I kiss you, Jimin-ie?”

“Yes,” He sighs out, eyes already closing in anticipation. I press my lips to his, still smiling softly against his mouth. His lips are plush under mine, velvety soft. My tongue swipes across his bottom lip and— Is that coffee I taste?

I pull back, “Jimin, did you sip my coffee on your way here?”

The boy looks rightfully alarmed, “I– y-yes. But only a little, noona!”

Cute.

“Hmm,” I trail my fingers down his chest, “I guess I’ll make an exception for you this time since you were the one to bring it for me.”

Jimin relaxes slightly, but his expression is strangely disappointed. I stare at him quizzically, and he blushes.

“What is it?” I lean against the table, facing him.

He clears his throat, staring intensely at the ground, “You can still punish me if you want, (y/n)-noona.”

My eyebrows shoot upwards at his offer, and then I let out a slight chuckle, “Oh, Jimin… That would be a favor to you, wouldn’t it? My baby boy wants to be punished, hm? Did dance practice make you all hot and bothered? Jungkook tells me that has been happening to you lately.”

Jimin’s face explodes in color as he mutters, “That little bitch will pay for this.”

Suddenly, the door swings open with a resounding thud, nearly clipping Jimin in the shoulder.

“Your savior has arrived!” Kim Seokjin announces loudly in spite of the studiously silent atmosphere of the quiet floor. His hands hold two steaming hot travel mugs, which I can only guess are filled with the elixir of the gods (aka coffee).

Seokjin’s eyes glance around the room as he takes in the fact that I’m not alone as he obviously had expected. “Wait, Jimin-ie? What are you doing here?” Jin’s eyes flick down to the coffee and cinnamon roll that lay on the table. “Goddamn it!”

“You were too slow, hyung,” Jimin smirks happily as he takes a seat in the chair I had previously vacated. He slouches smugly as he stares up at the fuming older boy.

“Too slow?!” Jin roars.

“Jin,” I chastise, circumventing around him to shut the door.

“Sorry, babe,” Seokjin says while still glaring daggers at the all-too-pleased Jimin. Suddenly, his expression changes into a sneaky look that makes me both want to run and jump his bones. “Well,” He waves the two coffee mugs around in the air, “I made these myself - with love. I didn’t buy that generic shit; I brewed it, baby.”

It’s Jimin’s turn again to look disgruntled, and I can’t help but laugh at their antics.

“Any and all coffee is appreciated and loved by me – the more the merrier. So, thank you both,” You say, taking one of the travel mugs from Seokjin. Kissing his cheek, you turn back to sit opposite Jimin at the table.

“She kissed me on the lips!” Jimin bursts.

“Park Jimin!” I cry as Jin splutters some sort of incoherent rant about fairness and equality.

Jimin holds eye contact with me, still leaning back in his chair like he’s the king of the fucking universe. But, he’s not; I am.

My chair hits the wall behind me with a bang as I stand, planting my hands on the table to loom over Jimin. “Do you think it’s fun to push your hyung, Jimin? Does it amuse you to be a little shit?”

I can see the moment that Jimin decides to be a brat. His eyes heat up in a challenge, and he firmly answers, “Yes, noona.”

“Get up.” The change in my tone is apparent. Jimin gulps. Getting to his feet, he stares back at me expectantly.

“Jin,” I address the older boy while still maintaining eye contact with Jimin, “What kind of punishment do you think I should give our Jimin here?”

Seokjin rounds my other side, grinning, “Well, (y/n) darling, I believe he should get spanked.”

“Interesting choice,” I murmur, turning to face Jin, “That’s what you’re going to get then.”

“What?” Jin squawks, arms waving rapidly around in the air, “But I didn’t do anything!”

“Nothing is what you should have done, Jin,” I push him against the wall, “You know better than to let Jimin rile you up like this.”

Those plump lips of his pout dramatically as he whines, “But, (y/n)…”

“But nothing,” I say and then whirl around to face the other boy. He’s still standing where I left him with his eyes glued to the pair of us. “Jimin,” I hold his gaze, “You’re going to watch. You’re not going to touch yourself, your hyung isn’t going to touch you, and I’m not going to touch you.”

His eyes widen comically, “No! That’s not fair!”

“Do you want to be gagged, too, baby boy?” I ask, cocking my head slightly. Seeing his emphatic head shakes, I grin. “That’s what I thought. Now, stay.”

Turning back to Jin, I smirk slightly as I ask, “Punishment now or later?”

Seokjin’s eyes scrunch cutely in confusion, “What?”

“You see,” I move closer to him, my body brushes his, “I think you earned a punishment, but I think you also earned helping me punish Jimin.”

A wide grin crosses Jin’s face as he glances back at the corner Jimin is stewing in. “I would be honored to help you punish him, babe.”

“That’s what I figured,” I smile briefly at him before slowly sliding my hands up his chest to rest on the nape of his neck. Holding them there, I press the lightest of kisses to the corner of his lips.

Jin’s breath hitches in his throat.

I run my tongue against the seam of his mouth, taking my time and savoring the sweet taste of him. His lips part to let me in, my tongue sliding across his. I grind against him as we kiss, moving my hips in such a way that makes him groan and lean back harder against the wall.

“What the fuck is going on in here?”

Ripping my mouth from Jin’s, I turn to face the newcomer.

Namjoon stands in the doorway holding yet another cup of coffee, his face thunderous. "What do the three of you think you're doing? This is the goddamn library, you heathens!”

Seokjin jumps out of his skin in fright, pushing me away faster than I can anticipate. Stumbling back, I crash into Jimin – who apparently had ventured out of his assigned corner. Brat.

“The shades were open!” Namjoon continues to rant as he flicks the aforementioned item down to cover the door’s window, “Did you want people to see you?”

He reads the expression on my face correctly, “Oh, but you did, didn’t you, (y/n)?” Namjoon approaches where I’m still captured in Jimin’s embrace. Glaring down at me, he taunts, “So quick to stake your claim; but, make no mistake, they were mine first.”

Shaking out of Jimin’s hold, I straighten, raising my chin to meet Namjoon’s gaze full-on, “That’s interesting. I didn’t realize you were so lenient with your partners.”

Jimin makes a choking noise behind me. Jin stands behind Namjoon, waving a hand in front of his throat to clearly tell me to stop talking. I keep going, “Perhaps I need to teach you how to discipline.”

Namjoon flips me around, shoves Jimin out of the way, and bends me facedown across the table.

“Jin,” He says, his voice growly, “Stand in the hall and let me know if you can hear us.”

The sound of the door opening and closing alerts me that Jin followed Namjoon’s instructions without a word.

“Jimin,” He continues, “Hold (y/n)’s hands out in front of her.” Jimin ascquieces, staring apologetically down at me as he tugs my hands towards him.

“This is cute,” I say, “I always love holding Jimin-ie’s hands.”

Thwack. The stinging imprint of Namjoon’s palm on my ass burns deliciously. I arch my back, looking over my shoulder at him with a half-smile. “Do it harder, daddy.”

A breath sucks in between his lips as I utter the word I know will get him feeling as hot as me. “You’re playing a dangerous game, baby girl,” Namjoon grits out, his jaw clenched tightly.

“Oh, daddy,” I say, “Don’t you remember? I’m the fucking Queen.”

“Was that a chess pun? Nice.” A muffled voice followed by a squeaky laugh sounds through the door.

“Seokjin,” Namjoon seethes, flying over to open the door and drag the older boy back inside, “I thought I told you to let me know if you could hear us.”

I tug out of Jimin’s gentle hold, straighten back up, and then situate myself into a sitting position on the table.

I watch amusedly as Jin shimmies his way out of Joon’s grasp, “Yah! It’s not my fault I get intense FOMO. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Besides, I only heard you because I had my ear pressed to the door.”

Jimin stifles a giggle. I let out a full-on laugh. Namjoon mumbles what sounds like a plea to some higher power under his breath.

“See what I have to deal with?” Namjoon turns to me, shaking his head. “Are you sure you want to sign up for this?”

“That depends,” I swing my legs back and forth as I stay perched on the table, “Are you going to keep spanking me?”

The boy who had just unhesitatingly bent me over to punish me now blushes and rubs the back of his neck. “I mean, probably? You have quite a mouth on you, baby.”

Hopping off the table, I laugh, “Good answer. Ten points to Gryffindor.”

“Woo!” Jin cheers, “Nice job on the House Points, Joon-ie!”

“I am in love with idiots,” Jimin sighs.

Grabbing my phone from my backpack, I let out a slight yell as I read the time. “Shit, shit, shit, shit!” I scramble to shove all of my textbooks back into my bag.

“What is it, noona?” Jimin worries, appearing next to me. “Are you late for class?”

“No,” I cry, “It’s so much worse. I’m late for my weekly Animal Crossing discord chat! Heath is gonna kill me…”

“Heath?” Jin scowls, “Who is this Heath you speak of?”

“Chill, fam,” I shrug my backpack onto my shoulders and stare contemplatively down at the three different coffees. “You can’t get jealous every time I mention a new person. What’s next? You’re gonna come for Tom Nook?”

Namjoon - who must play Animal Crossing - stifles a laugh as Jin pouts. “She has a point, Jin.”

“And so does a pencil. Big whoop,” Jin scowls with his arms folded.

“Aw, Seokjin-ie,” I coo, reaching over to pinch his cheek, “Don’t be mad. You’ll get to spend all day with me on Saturday after volunteering! What are we doing, anyways?” I level Joon with my best side-eye as I ask that question, knowing he is more likely than not the mastermind behind our planned date.

“It’s going to be great, noona!” Jimin pipes up, hugging me from the side, “You’re going to love it…You’re going to love us.” He murmurs the last part, probably not meaning for me to hear; but, I do.

God, I do.

“We’ll pick you up before volunteering,” Joon says, “Just bring yourself and a change of clothes.”

“What?” I decide - fuck it - and attempt to grab all three coffees, “No overnight bag?”

Jin, who had just taken a sip of his own coffee, spews it everywhere. “Pack one,” He gasps out in between coughs.

Laughing, I walk to the door, which Jimin kindly opens for me. “Okay, I’ll think about it. Ah, I’m so late. Jimin and Jin, I’ll punish you at a later time. Joon, you can try to punish me at a later time.” Living for their astonished expressions, I wave as best I can with three coffees in hand, “Bye, babes! Text me-e-e.”

As I make my way out of the library, it hits me that I only have one more day to prepare for this date. Fucking hell…

a/n: this is such a filler of a chap with a tinge of drama mixed in, hehe. the next one is gonna be that date tho uwu stay tuuuuuuned and thanks 4 reading

taglist: @catsandstrawberries @h5naaa @meowmeowyoongles @leftflowerprunedonut @rjsmochii @athletes-of-god @karissassirak @cage7241​ @weallhavesecretsinthebestway @cvbachacbitch @honeyspillings @valiantcollectorofsandwiches @fivesecondsofsarang @oii-f-eli-x2 @joonsroses @theevilyouknow @jooniescupcakes @expensive-grl @i-dont-even-know-fck @doingmybestalltheftime @fangirling-all-the-way-tbh @laced-brds @breeeeh17 @lpayne612 @peachyharmoney @rilakoya @chulchuchi @tabula-rasa0 @guccishookv @nomimits7 @i-like-puppy-mg @s-noir @anna-sorel @im-a-space-child @yeontanismypresident @drowning-in-oxygen @team-wang-puppy @lvvegood @anongirl007 @may114 @r-e-d-i-s-h @unatempesta-dipensieri @dragon-rider-with-a-book​ @blueberrygeniejam @wondrsblog @vi-hoshi @kirbykook​ @katemwatson​ @kawaiikpoplover268​ @amsteramyy​ @sami4life @a-feeling-of-euphoria​ @the-jackals​ @bubbletae7​ @platinum-grenade​ @bunnyboyenthusiast @brightly-byun @oofmeintheheadpls​ @sadboibts @lidda​ @goldenwidow3​ @t-mel19​ @lmkjimin​ @psiphidragon​ @jeon-joker​ @sathom013​ @lustremyg @ggsmashgg​ @justyouraveragerando​ @shadowstark​ @our-little-meow-meow @baby-hobii @toddsgirl27​ @mythicalmeep​ @asifetch7​ @kassandravictoria​ @eltrain80 @briannasthings​ @bumblekey93​ @ohmwreckr @beach-bitch-bitch-beach​ @softchimmee​ @kookoo-kachoo​ @lenuminous​ @ass-hole-in-one​ @peaches-422​ @spacejooon​ @sleepyje0n​ @uxwi​ @tellmeyoulovemepls​ @yady24​ @lovesick-heart0​ @redirect-min​ @hopetookourvibe​ @noonaduck​ @mini-coop25​ @multifandomgirl29​ @rhd31​ @yoongixvevo​ @sweetnspicy93​ @kuppyjiminie​ @love-and-other-possibilities​ @fuckyouandtheboatyoucamein @rvnchr4nd4​ @geminidrawsstuff​ @livorna​ @naajix​ @minjoonhome​

another a/n: if u asked to be added to the taglist and u did not get tagged, u might be one of the couple ppl that i couldn’t tag [check ur settings, fam!]

[lady-of-lyon]

Make martin and Chris eat Koki and aviva

You are a sad, pathetic piece of shit. Your pathological obsession with your fetish and pestering others to do your dirty work is as blatant as the literal fucking sun on a clear day. I’m not even mad, I feel sorry for you. You need help. You need actual, psychological help if you think doing this same thing over and over again is going to get you anywhere. That’s the literal definition of fucking insanity. You’re a talentless hack and a hopeless loser. I don’t care if you think this is “bullying” or try to label it as such, I don’t care. We’re sick of your shit. You’re a freak and a weirdo and you need to leave this fandom alone - either do some serious soul-searching, or institutionalize yourself. I’m serious. It’s only a matter of time before you get blocked enough, reported enough, that you’ll have to leave tumblr empty-handed. It won’t matter what you do, how you try to do it, how many fake blogs you create, you are not getting what you want, from any of us. What even brought you here? What horrible, warped thing did you discover as an impressionable, neglected child that made you think this was ok to do? Why are you even watching Wild Kratts? That show is about compassion, togetherness, and learning healthy boundaries, but all you’ve been doing is harassing people with your sick ideas. I’m trying to be compassionate now by telling you that you need help. Talk to your parents. Get off this site. Find something better to do with your life, besides hounding other people with your unrequited fantasies. I realize I’m wasting my breath here, that there’s no way I can get any semblance of logic across to someone as screwy and relentlessly disturbed as you, and maybe that’s a smidge of insanity in all of us. But you’re causing it. You are driving us insane. This fandom has good people, great people, people who have gotten me out of some of the darkest times in my life, and I cannot sit by while you are beating them over the head with a hammer. Go away. Go the fuck away, you sad, immature, useless waste of tumblr’s space. I’m not even gonna use the line of “learn to draw yourself” since you are so stubbornly opposed to the idea, but for the love of fucking god, can you get it through your obstinate skull that none of us will draw it for you, ever? You will not get what you want. You never will. You will never succeed here. Do yourself a favor and give up, crawl back to whatever hole you came put of with your tail between your legs, and just know that all you’ve accomplished is embarrass yourself. We’ll all be laughing at you some day, and who could blame us? You’ve humiliated yourself. You’ve fucking lost. So go home. I don’t even want to try to get you to comprehend that the people you’re trying to fetishize are real people. Martin and Chris, they have wives and kids and jobs where they’re trying their best to actually make this world a better place. What on earth makes you think that their legacies is something you have the right to touch with your perverted, ungodly fingers? Not to mention it’s not even a good kink. It’s gross. You’re gross for liking it. None of us like it, and that won’t change. I want to take a shower just for writing this and thinking about it. For the love of god, I am a published poet. I’m having my art put in a gallery show in 3 weeks. Why the hell do you think I, or any of my other equally talented friends, would give a clueless insect and shameless thief like you the time of day? Oh, by the way, I saw the art of mine that you stole. I’ve reported it, but if just that doesn’t work, I know my way around a DMCA takedown notice, and I can use it against you. You can go to court for this shit, if you don’t get your shit together. I find it amusingly ironic that you think after you’ve literally robbed me I would consider obliging to your obscene request. It’s not happening. So shut the fuck up, get yourself some help, and get the hell out of this fandom. Do not message me again, I will not respond to it.

And to all of my followers and anyone else who sees this post, Wild Kratts fan or not, please report and block this blog. They’ve been harassing me and my friends and stealing our art for weeks, and one way or another it has to stop. I don’t want to make good on my DMCA takedown threat if I don’t have to, but I will do whatever it takes to put and end to this.

[mollymauk-teafleak]

where you go I'm going

My very first ThanZag fic!! It’s Modern AU and its soft and it has Mort!!

Huge thanks to @minky-for-short who this fic is written for and also to my girlfriend @spiky-lesbian who knows absolutely nothing about this game but her review was ‘SOFT BOYS’ 

Please consider reblogging and leaving a comment! 

--------------

Thanatos finds himself moving into his boyfriend's cramped little apartment with all its leaky pipes and street corner furniture and damp.

It's going to be a bit of an adjustment.

--------------

When they had announced they were moving in together, everyone had automatically assumed they’d be moving into Thanatos’ place. His neat, well kept, painstakingly decorated apartment in the heart of the city with it’s sunken living room and immense kitchen and windows that opened up onto a stunning vista of the skyline, all of it near new and barely used. Plenty of room for both of them, everything they could need, people didn’t think to ask and simply assumed that they would be starting their lives together there.

Thanatos had rather assumed the same.

But here he was, standing in the closest thing he had to casual clothes, surrounded by cardboard boxes into which his neat, well kept life had been hastily bundled, looking around the battered, cramped little apartment his boyfriend owned and trying to think of it as home.

His home. Their home.

Zag was darting around the place, full of energy as he always was when he got nervous, trying to help Than unpack but making a rather bad job of it. The moving truck had left half an hour ago and already two mugs had been broken and they’d bumped into each other six times, with less than one box worth of stuff actually being put away.

Not that Than was paying much attention. He was moving through the shoebox of an apartment, with it’s tiny kitchen and the living room with the sagging, patchy leather couch that he knew Zag got off a street corner, the bathroom barely big enough for one person let alone two, the bedroom that had less than an inch of space around the double bed Than had bought. Or, rather, it would when they finally got around to putting it together.

He got back to where he’d started in less than twenty paces. Standing inside this claustrophobic chaos, Thanatos took a very slow, very careful sigh.

“You’re not happy, are you?”

Than turned to see his boyfriend standing in his- their- bedroom doorway, finally stopped and, in doing so, letting his anxiety catch up with him and show clearly on his face.

Thanatos chided himself sharply and moved towards Zagreus, cupping his face in his hands. He was perpetually cold and Zag always ran a few degrees hotter than usual so, together, they were always perfect. They always gave each other what they needed.

“I am deliriously, completely happy, Zagreus,” Than murmured softly, surprising himself with how much he meant the words, “And that is because I am getting to share more of my life with you.”

“But we should have gone to your place, this was a ridiculous idea,” Zag sighed but they’d had this conversation before and Than knew what to say.

He’d not always felt that with Zagreus, as their relationship had shifted awkwardly from childhood friends to what they had now, as the words had stuck in their throats and refused to come. But now he could hardly remember a time when he hadn’t loved this man with all his heart and he hadn’t felt completely himself around him. Not Death, not the son of Nyx, not the Reaper. Just Thanatos. Than, even.

“It will take some adjustment,” he smiled and kissed his forehead, “But I know just how much this place means to you. It’s your freedom, it’s your independence. I know how hard you fought to break away from your father and I...well, I’m just glad you brought me along.”

Finally Zag relaxed into his hand and a smile tugged at his lips, “Could argue that you followed me…”

Than chuckled, “The one time I ever broke the rules and look where it’s got me.”

Zag laughed with him, his eyes lighting up with a new frantic energy, a happy one this time. He responded to most emotions like a child who’d had too much sugar.

“Come on, I think I’ve figured out how I can fit your insanely big mug collection into the cupboard,” he was already off, dragging boxes out and ripping them open, “Or books! We could start on your books, I know you have that weird system…”

“It’s the Dewey Decimal System, Zagreus, libraries have been using it for centuries…” Than rolled his eyes, aware that his boyfriend wasn’t really listening, allowing himself to be pulled along in Zag’s rushing currents as always.

They worked quite happily for a while, Zag kicking his old radio to life and blasting some cheesy classics that somehow made the job more bearable when you sang along to them. For hours they sorted through the boxes, pulling out things Than had forgotten he even owned, finding the strange and amusing ways their very different personalities and very different lives fit together.

Before too long the closet was stuffed with alternating neat pinstripe suits and gym clothes, expensive black peacoats and hoodies plucked from thrift stores with incomprehensible slogans printed on them. There was suddenly more than two plates in the kitchen and more than one fork, knife and even spoons of different sizes. The edge of the bath held a neat regiment of seek products, each with a specific role in putting the physical embodiment of Death together, crowding out the bottle of five-in-one soap with the peeling label.

They were finally on to the bedroom, Than having wrestled Zag into at least tackling the rooms one by one. Putting the bed together was proving a real challenge, Than had been squinting at the instructions for ages and was one more unidentifiable screw away from calling Aphrodite and getting her to put Hephaestus on the phone, however insulting he’d find the request. He’d lasted longer than Zag, at least, who’d moved off to poke through the last few boxes.

Than was wondering why he could only count six bed slats when he was meant to have ten when he heard Zag gasp and burst into delighted laughter.

“What?” he frowned at him over his square rimmed glasses.

“Look who it is!” Zag cackled, turning and holding out what at first looked like a tattered scrap of cloth covered in dust but Than’s cheeks immediately flamed.

“I...look, I meant to throw him out a while ago but…”

“It’s Mort!” Zag was beaming wildly, holding the little felt mouse up like a trophy, “Gods, I haven’t seen him in ages, I had no clue you still had him.”

“Um...neither did I…” Than spluttered, well aware that he was a terrible liar when it came to Zagreus.

He was about as fooled as he expected him to be, tsking playfully and wagging his finger, “No, no, no. I remember how much you loved this little guy when we were kids, you’d carry him around everywhere! Oh! Did you still sleep with him all tucked up under your arm? Do you still take him in the bath and cry when he gets wet?”

“You sleep in my bed with me, asshole! And we’ve bathed together,” Than made a grab for him but Zag was quicker, he always had been.

“Aw, looks like I have some competition for your affections then, eh darling? Aren’t you just the sweetest, little god of Death still playing with his childhood toy...”

“My mother made him for me!” Than finally burst out, cheeks redder and voice louder than he’d meant, “Of course I kept him! Now stop acting like a jerk and give him back!”

Zag froze, his teasing chased away from his face instantly. Meekly he dropped the arm holding Mort and let Than snatch him back, silent as his boyfriend turned his shoulder and hunched down sulkily.

“I...I’m really sorry,” Zag said quietly after a moment’s awkward silence, “I thought I was just playing with you but...I went too far, I’m sorry I upset you. I remember how important he was to you.”

“Well…” Than swallowed, face still smouldering, “It is foolish. To still have him around I mean.”

“Aw, no love, come on…” Zag slid closer, putting an arm around his shoulders, “What, you’re going to start listening to me all of a sudden. I’m an idiot!”

“You are,” Than murmured, finding himself coaxed up out of his sulk, “But you’re mine.”

That made him chuckle happily, stealing a kiss to the inch of his cheek he’d revealed, “And it is so cute that you still have Mort. I mean that, I really do. You’re adorable and a little soft and that’s completely okay.”

“Well. As long as it doesn’t leak into my work.”

He wasn’t looking at Zag’s face but he could tell he was rolling his eyes.

“Hey,” he tucked a strand of white hair away to kiss Than’s ear, “Remember that time you really did lose him? When we were six years old?”

Than smiled coyly, “I do. You missed your bedtime and got yourself grounded going off to look for him just so I would stop crying. Everyone else had given up but...you didn’t.”

“I didn’t,” Zag hummed, kissing just below his ear now, then lower, then lower, down his neck, pulling back the shoulder of his jumper to get at his shoulder, “I don’t give up, not when it concerns you, my dear.”

Than sighed, muscles unwinding under Zag’s lips, “Love, you might notice we don’t have a bed yet so I’m not sure where you think this is going?”

“Ah, my cherished parter...” Zag rumbled, hands slipping down to gently put Mort to one side and give him access to his boyfriend’s lap.

Than found himself being turned, his back pressed to the floor, felt a crooked grin blooming on his face as Zag threw his leg over him and bent low until their noses were brushing.

“I think we can manage, eh?” his boyfriend purred.

Afterwards, Than sat up and stretched the kinks out of his shoulders, sighing in satisfaction.

Zag stayed on the floor, his head pillowed on the jumper his boyfriend had been wearing as he sprawled out contentedly, eyes drinking in the play of Than’s muscles, “I really am happy you’re here, my love.”

“I’m happy to be here,” Than looked back at him with a soft, loving smile, lightly brushing one cheek with his fingertips, “I think I understand what you mean when you talk about how free it makes you, finding your own place. It feels like everything’s started again. And this time it will be better.”

“It will be,” Zag caught his hand and kissed his knuckles.

An idea came to Than then and an easy kind of certainty settled over him. He reached over and snagged Mort where he’d fallen to one side as they’d become more occupied in each other.

“Here,” he smiled, holding his cherished childhood toy out to Zagreus, “Here, I want you to have him.”

“What?” Zag blinked, not understanding. He pulled himself into a sitting position, “Mort is yours, you love him.”

“And I love you,” Than still held him out, “So I want him to be yours now. You’ve given me a place here, in the only space that had ever really been your own and...well, this seems like a good way to repay you.”

“You don’t have to repay me!” Zag insisted, shaking his head, “I mean, gods, you’re going to be putting up with me twenty four seven-”

“Gladly,” Than cut across him, knowing the thoughts in his boyfriend’s mind would grow too loud if he let them, “I will do it gladly, Zagreus. Please, he’s yours now.”

Chuckling softly, Zag relented and took Mort gently. He held the battered old toy with a kind of tenderness, brushing some dust from his ear, “Thank you, Than. I promise I’ll look after him.”

“Well,” Than smirked playfully, “I’ll still see him every day and I will check.”

“Oh, I’d expect nothing less, my love.”

When they eventually did get the bed put together, a longer time later than either of them would ever admit, Mort would take pride of place in the centre of it.

Than would see him nearly every day with his happy stitched smile and, when he did, he would think of the apartment he’d left behind. All it’s expensive minimalist furniture, it’s sleek metal and black leather and unlived in neatness.

And Thanatos wouldn’t miss it in the slightest. He knew he was home.

[phynali]

Canonization and Fandom Purity Culture

I wrote a 1k-word twitter thread (as proof that I am Not made for Twitter and it’s goddamn 240-character limit) and am pasting it here with edits and updates (it’s now 2k words). 

I have thoughts to share (which I know have been stated more eloquently before by others) about this trend of demanding/obsessing that certain ships become "canon" and how it overlaps with the rise of fandom purity culture.

Under the cut.

Here in 2021 there is a seemingly large and certainly loud and active contingent of online fandoms who desire (or even demand) "canon validation" for a given interpretation of a source material. This is more true with shipping than anywhere else.

First, it is important to note that the trend is not limited to queer ships or to any single fandom. In the past few years I've seen it for Riverdale, Voltron, Supernatural (perhaps most extreme?), The 100, etc., and less recent with the MCU, Sherlock, Teen Wolf, Hawaii 5-0, etc. It is a broad trend across ships, fandoms, and mediums.

So if it is more common for queer ships, it is hardly unique to them. Similarly, pretending that it is about queer representation is a clever misdirect to disguise the fact that it is most often about ships and shipping wars. If you ever need proof of that, consider that a character can be queer without being in a given relationship or reciprocating another character's affections. Thus a call for more/better queer rep itself is very different than a call for specific ships to be made canon.

Also note that when audiences frame it as wanting to recognize a specific *character* as queer, it is almost always in the context of a ship. Litmus test: would making that character queer but having them *explicitly reject* the other half of the ship be seen as a betrayal?

(Note: none or this is to say we shouldn't push for more queer rep and more *quality and well-written* queer rep! Just that that isn't what I'm talking about here, and not what seeking canon validation for a specific interpretation or a specific ship is almost ever about.)

Why does this matter?

the language of representation and social justice should not be co-opted to prop up ship wars

it is reciprocal with a trend toward increasing toxicity in transformative fandom spaces

Number 1 here is self-explanatory (I hope). Let's chat about 2.

Demands for canon validation correlate with a rise in fanpol / fandom purity culture. What is fandom purity culture (and fandom policing)? This toxic mentality is about justifying one's shipping preferences and aiming to be pure (non-problematic) in your fictional appetites regarding romance and sex.

Note that this purity culture is so named as it arises linearly from American Protestantism, conservative puritanical anxiety around thought crimes, and overlaps in many ways with terf ideologies and regressively anti-kink paradigms.

It goes like this: problematic content is "gross" and therefore morally reprehensible. Much like how queer sex/relationships get labelled as "gross" (Other) and thus morally sinful, or how kink gets labelled as "harmful" and thus morally wrong. The Problematic label is applied by fanpol to ships with offset age or power dynamics, complicated histories, and anything they choose to label as "harmful". As such, they would decry my comparison here to queerphobia itself as also being harmful, because their (completely fictional) targets are ~actually~ evil.

(The irony of this is completely lost on them).

This mode of interacting with creative works leaves no room to explore dark or erotic themes or dynamics which may exist in fiction but not healthily in reality. Gothic romance is verboten. Even breathe the word incest and you will be labelled a monster (nevermind Greek tragedy or GoT).

As with most puritanical bullshit, fanpol ideology only applies these beliefs to sex and never to violence/murder/etc, proving what lies at its core. It also demands its American-based values be applied to all fictional periods and places as the One True Moral Standard. It evangelizes – look no further than how these people try to recruit others to their cause, aim to elevate themselves as righteous, and try to persuade (‘save’) others from their degenerate ways of thinking. 

“See the light” they promise “here are our callouts and blog posts to convince you. Decry your past sins of problematic shipping, be baptized by our in-group adulation and welcome, and then go forth and send hate to others until they too see the light.” In many ways “get therapy” by the antis is akin to “I’ll pray for you” by the Christian-right (and ultimately ironic).

(Although it has been pointed out to me that these fans are likely not themselves specifically ex-evangelicals, but rather those who have brushed up with evangelical norms and modes of thinking without specifically being victims of it. In many ways they are more simply conservative Christian in temperament and attitude without necessarily being raised into religion by belief).

What this has to do with canon validation is that these fans look to canon for approval, for Truth. On the one hand, if it is in the canon then it must be good / pure or at least acceptable. The authority (canon) has deemed it thus. It is safe and acceptable to discuss and to enjoy watching or consuming. In this way, validation from canon means a measure of safety from being Bad and Problematic. 

For example, where a GoT fan could discuss Cersei/Jaime's (toxic, interesting) dynamic in depth as it related to the canon, fans who shipped Jon/Sansa (healthy, interesting) were Gross and Bad. The canon as Truth provided a safety net, a launch point. "It's GRRM, not me, who is problematic." It wasn’t okay to ship the problematic bad gross incest ship, but it being in the canon material meant it was open for discussion, for nuance, for “this adds an interesting layer to the story” which is denied to all non-canon ships labelled as problematic.

(Note: there are of course people who have zero interest in watching GoT for a whole slew of very valid reasons, including but not limited to the incest. That’s a different to this trend. A less charged example might be The Umbrella Academy, where a brother canonically is in love with his sister and antis still praise the show, but if you dare to ship any of the potential incest ships then you are the one who is disgusting).

On the other hand, a very interesting alternate (or additional) explanation for this phenomenon was raised to me on twitter. (These ideas aren’t mine originally, but I wholly endorse them as a big part of what is likely going on): Namely, as with authoritarian individuals in general, they see themselves as right and correct, but the canon (which has not yet validated their ship) is not correct, and is in fact problematic, and so they can save the canon from itself.

As mentioned, these fanpol types see their interpretation as Good and Pure. So if they can push (demand, bully) the canon into conforming to their worldview and validating their interpretation, then they have shown the (sinful) creators the light and led them to the righteous path. This only works if the canon allows itself to saved though, otherwise the creators remain Evil for spurning them.

How is this different from fans simply hoping for their ship to be canon?

For a second here, let’s rewind to the 90s (since Whedon has been in the news recently). This “I want it to be canon” thing isn’t 100% new, of course. We saw this trend then for the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it was different then. At the time, fans who hoped for a ship to be canon might have been cheering for a problematic one to begin with (Buffy/Spike). So shipping was still present, minus vocal fanpol.

(And Buffy fans learned that canon validation...can leave a lot to be desired. A heavy lesson was learned about the ways that fan desires can play out horrifically in canon, and how some things are best left out of the hands of canon-writers).

These days, this is still largely true. Many fans hope for their ships to go canon, as they always have. There are tropes like “will they/won’t they” that TV shows may even be designed around, which a certain narrative anticipation and a very deliberate build up to that.

But while shipping *hopes* occur for many fans, almost all ships fans that *demand* to go canon and obsess over are now the ones deemed as Unproblematic, or as Less Problematic. I’m talking here about the ships that aren’t necessarily an explicit will/won’t they dynamic but do have some canon dynamic that leads them to being shipped, but which the creators aren’t necessarily deliberately teasing and building up a romantic end-game for.

These ships often have fans who are happy to stick to fandom, but there has also been a huge uptick in the portion of fans who are approaching shipping with an explicit lens of “will they go canon?” and “don’t you want them to be canon?” and now even “they have to go canon” and “the canon is wrong if they don’t make this ship canon”, to a final end-point of “if the ship doesn’t go canon, the source material is Wrong and Bad.”

These latter opinions are the one we see more by extreme fans (‘stans’), hardcore shippers, but especially by fanpol-types, the ones who embrace fandom purity culture at least to some extent.

Why them?

In pushing for canon validation, fanpol types seek to elevate their (pure) interpretation of canon. As mentioned above, it’s validation of their authority, a safety-net, and a way to save the canon from itself if only they can bully the canon into validating their right and good interpretation. 

There’s also another reason, which is that canon validation is a tool to bludgeon those seen as problematic. They can use it to denounce other (problematic) ships as Not Being Canon and therefore highlight their own as Right and Good, because it is represented in the True Meaning of the Work.

Canon validation then is a cudgel sought by virtuous crusaders to wield against their unclean enemies. It is an ideological pursuit. It is organised around identity and in groups sometimes as insular as cults.

How does this happen?

Fanpol tend to be younger or more vulnerable fans, susceptible to authoritarian manipulators. As many have highlighted before, authoritarian groups and exclusionary ideologies like terfs are very good at using websites like tumblr to mobilize others around their organizing beliefs. Fanpol tend to feel legitimate discomfort, but instead of taking responsibility for their media engagement, ringleaders stoke and help them direct their discomfort as anger onto others; “I feel ashamed and uncomfortable, and therefore you should be held accountable for my emotions.” Authoritarian communities endorse social dominance orientations, deference to ringleaders, and obedient faith to the principles those ringleaders endorse.

As these fans attach more and more of their identity to a given media (or ship), and derive more and more validation and more of their belongingness needs from this fanpol community, they also become more and more anxious about being excluding from this group. This is because such communities have rigid rules and very conditional bases for social acceptance. Question or "betray" the organizing ideology and be punished or excommunicated. If that is all you have, you are left with nothing. Being labelled problematic then is a social death.

What this means is that these fans cannot accept all interpretations of a media as equally valid: to do so Betrays the ideology. It promises exclusion. And, in line with a perspective around ‘saving’ canon and leading others into the light – forcing and bending the canon to their will is what will make it Good (and therefore acceptable to enjoy, and therefore proof of them as righteous by having saved others). As was also pointed out to me on twitter, endorsement from canon or its creators also satiates that deep need they have for authority figures to approve of them.

Due to all of this, these fans come to obsess over canon validation of their own interpretation. In a way, they have no other option but to do so. They need this validation -- as their weapon, as their authority, as their safety net, as their approval, as their evangelical mission of saviorship.

Canon validation is proof: I am Good. I am Right(eous). I am Safe.

(In many ways, I do ache for some of these people, so wrapped up in toxic communities and mindsets and so afraid to step out of line for fear of swift retribution, policing their own thoughts and art against the encroaching possibility that anything be less than pure. It’s not healthy, it’s never going to be healthy.)

In the end, people are going to write their own stories. You are well within your rights to critique those stories, to hate them, to interpret them how you will, but you can never control their story (it's theirs).

Some final notes:

This trend may be partially to do with queer ships now being *able* to go canon where before so no such expectation would exist. Similarly, social media has made this easier to vocalize. Still, who makes these demands and the underlying reasons are telling. There are also many legitimate critiques of censorship, queerbaiting (nebulous discussions to be had here), and homophobia in media to be had, and which may front specific ships in their critique. But critique is distinct from asking that canon validate one's own interpretation.

[kickingitwithkirk]

She’s My Whip

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 2250

Warnings: oral (m & f giving/receiving) sex, squirting, cursing, pornish language and other adulting things that make it 18+only

A/N:  A-Z Kink Challenge: Younger/Older  Written for @covered-byroses #cbrkinkchallange  Thank you Ms.Kelly for letting me participate in my first writing challenge

A/N: this is my first work (outside a drabble) I’ve ever let anyone read. I quit writing over a decade ago so I’m rusty as hell but working on getting my mojo back. Creative criticism welcome

A/N II: 3/21/21 I did some rewriting on this piece I love so much, fixing the things that’s nagged at me since original release.

* no beta , all mistakes are mine

*GIF not mine

“...So that’s when I knew I had closed the deal.” The guy next to me at the bar Greg, or Gary, who'd been droning on about this deal for the last twenty minutes looked at me waiting for a response.

“That’s fantastic, congratulations on closing the deal.” You responded enthusiastically, faking it like an orgasm during bad sex. 

Sipping on the glass of wine he ordered, trying not to grimace at the taste and wondering for the umpteenth time what is it with men your age? Why did they feel entitled to decide what to order you without asking?

Now in your early forties you prefer men like your alcohol, on the younger side with an adventurous edge.

Tuning out ummm, David as he continues to prattle on about his whatever. He seems like a nice guy, kinda reminds you of that character from Pleseantville, the husband who kept saying where’s my dinner.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt your evening, but I need to speak to Ms. Y/L/N.” You both turn to see who is addressing you.

 Fuck me, he’s here.

He and his partner, Agent Dean Smith, showed up your workplace this morning about the weird event in HR department. They had every red blooded woman, and a few of the guys, drooling in their lattes. 

After your interview with Agent Smith, who’d been flirting with everyone female with a pulse during their interviews, he asked you for drinks and whatever.

It had been extremely tempting, he was ridiculously good looking with those succulent full lips, green eyes, bowed just enough for you to fit perfectly between legs and cinnamon freckles that made you wonder if he’s covered everywhere in them.

You hated to admit it’s been to damn long since any man has giving you such a through fucking, you know, the type that makes your legs shake uncontrollably when you cum and walk funny for days.

You had reluctantly..very reluctantly.. turned him down. The reason being the man standing behind you.

“And who might you be?” Ralph maybe, asks rudely.

 Agent Samuel Wesson flashes his FBI credentials at possibly John before turning to addresses you. He’s delicious, literally walking sex with those long, long legs.

“Ms. Y/L/N, could we go somewhere more private? I have some questions that need clarification.”  Unable to answer because your brain has migrated to your pussy that’s dripping wet from the sound of his deep, whiskey-honey voice alone.

Crossing your legs you clenched your thighs together trying to cover your down south problem but he tracks your movement with those indelible, fox slanted eyes and smirks.

Shit.

“Look, I don't care if your President...” Steve, IDK, says standing up to get in his face but falls short, literally, by several inches.

Biting on the inside of your cheek to stop bursting out in laughter you take a sip of the horrid wine to compose yourself because there is absolutely no way in hell your going to pass up on the opportunity to make time with this gorgeous mountain of a man who’s literally made you cum without even touching you. 

Standing up you insert yourself between them and play with Donny’s tie. “I’m so sorry, we were having such a good time, and I was thinking of asking you back to mine, but I’d feel awful if I know something and didn't help, please don't be mad at me.” You pout a bit, pretending to actually sound sorry, all the while internally cringing at the fucking drivel spewing out of your mouth to mollify whatchamacallit.

If anyone had asked you how you thought this night would have ended, never in a million would you have said that you’d be reclining on the hood of a ‘67 Impala in an empty field splitting a bottle of Knob Creek Whiskey with Samual Wesson, IE Sam Winchester, discussing everything from politics to debating if GOT’s ending was screwed up while stargazing.

Sam takes a long pull off the bottle before handing it back, “Why did you turn Dean down?” He inquires.

“I’ve been around long enough to know a player when I see one,” you take a long pull from the bottle, “and I’ve reached an age where I don’t and won’t be played.” You answer honestly handing the bottle to Sam.

He’s taking a drink when you cheekily add, “Besides, he’s too old for me.”

Coughing from the whiskey going down the wrong way Sam finally croaks out, “To old? He’s three years younger than you.” You raise an eyebrow at that.

“You know how old I am?” 

Sam starts peeling off the bottles label, “Yeah, I do. I checked out everyone who had any connection to the victim. I didn’t think you’d be interested, Dean’s well...Dean. Women are always attracted to him but then he said you turned him down and....”

“...you followed me to that bar hoping to get lucky?” It’s hard to see under the moonlight but you know he’s blushing, “I’ll admit it was sorely tempting but I turned Dean down because you're more my type.” Sam looked up in surprise. 

You shift towards him reaching for the bottle, “Look, I like younger men, it's my thing and I find I have more in common with them. Nobody thinks twice about some old fart fucking a twenty something, but if an older woman is sexually adventurous, oh my god everyone goes spar! Lots of younger men today prefer being with someone who’s life doesn’t revolve around kids, can hold an intellectual conversation and isn’t looking to put a ring on it.

I came across this British blogger in her fifties dating men in their twenties and they were the ones doing the chasing. She came up with this new term for women like us, W.H.I.P-Women who are Hot, Intelligent and in their Prime. Fucking better than that old, tired, cliche Cougar.” 

Sam ruminants over what you said, “So sexually adventurous...ever do it on an Impala?” He asks with a lascivious grin.

”Nuh-uh,“ you answer running your tongue teasingly around the bottles lip before taking a drink. 

Sam's eyes dilate as he pulls the bottle away, brushing his lips against yours to taste the whiskey lingering on them.

Opening your mouth you catch his bottom lip, sucking on it as he tangles his hands into your hair, deepening the kiss as you work at opening the buttons of his shirt. Pushing against Sam's chest he sits back a bit so you can remove it before shifting him fully onto his back, allowing you to straddle his narrow hips and making your skirt ride up revealing your cheekster panties

Sam slips his hand between your obscenely spread thighs, roughly palming your clit through the material making you hiss, reaching to pull his hand away before your cumming to fast. He takes hold your ass in both of his big hands grips tightly pulling and pushing, making you roughly glide over his rapidly filling cloth covered cock. He’s keeping you right on edge but not allowing you to cum, the friction from the grinding eliciting moans from both of you. He sits both of you upright suddenly, gripping your shirts hem lifting it off revealing your bare breasts to him.

Sam bends forward taking your left nipple between his lips sucking on it then bits down hard enough you cry out from the pain/pleasure of it. Tangling both your hands in his hair you tug until he switches breasts to give the same treatment to your other nipple. Dragging him off your chest you resume kissing him hard, both of you start fighting for dominance.

Reaching down you unzip his pants, dipping your hand in to caress him. Sam's head drops back with a groan, exposing his neck. Your lips travel down his throat, stopping, sucking a bruise just above his collarbone.

Sliding backwards off the cars hood you finish stripping him until he's lying completely naked, legs wantonly spread out across the hood. You watch him grip his cock stroking himself as you discard the last of your own clothes before climbing back on the car.

“You’re stunning,” Sam breathily says stroking himself harder.

Keeping eye contact you place your hand over his, guiding him down to firmly grip the base of his twitching cock to steady it as you move your hands around on the hood to balance yourself, bending over to flick your tongue along the underside of his shaft up to that specific sensitive area, your tongue teasing the nerves there, making Sam shiver and noisily start panting before slowly sliding up to the slit, lapping at the precum leaking from the tip before wrapping your lips around his cock and start steadily bobbing up and down, taking his ample cock as deep as you can without gagging.

“Oh fuck yesss..feels so good,” Sam moans out as his muscles jerk from the way your tongue is moving over his cock that’s suctioned tight in your mouth.

Pulling off you stroke your hand up and down his long, thick shaft, twisting towards the tip while watching Sam massage his balls.

Sam's head thunks against the windshield as his breaths coming out harsh and broken, hips bucking wildly around from the combined stimulation.

“Fuckingfuck... fuuuu...gonna…’ was all the warning he gives before spilling hot liquid over your fingers and spurting onto the Impalas hood, painting it with white splatters as you continue stroking lightly with your cum covered fingers, easing him through the aftershocks till Sam reaches down pulling you off, to sensitive for anymore touching.

Sitting up Sam cups your cheeks in his big hands staring intently at you with lust blown chameleon eyes. “How the fuck did you do that, I haven’t cum that fast since puberty.”

Instead of saying anything, you insert your cum covered fingers one by one into you mouth, sucking and licking till your hands clean of his spending. He wraps his big hand around your wrist pulling your hand away and deeply kisses you, tasting himself in your mouth. 

“Backseat now.” He growls getting off the hood and still holding your wrist gathers the discarded clothes with his other hand before dragging you with him around the car.

Opening the door he urges you to slide across the bench seat until you lying back against the other door legs spread wide to accommodate him as he’s climbing between them, somehow fitting his immense frame in the car.

Sam runs his long, slender fingers along the inside of your thighs, over your hips and stomach, studying every tremble and shiver to his touch moving to lightly stroke between your folds, inserting two fingers into your soaked channel searching for that spot. “Hmmm..” You moan out as Sam finds it.

Somehow he amazingly folds himself up and spreading his fingers to stretch your opening to delve his tongue into your core wanting a taste while continuing to stroke your thighs and hips with his other hand to keep you stimulated.

“Fuuuccckk,” the only warning you can give as you climax.

Sam adjusts the movements of his hand to keep working your swollen g spot, pushing you towards another orgasm.

The car fills with the wet squelching sounds with his fingers moving in and out of your drooling cunt as nonsensical noises come out of your mouth at the same time. 

“Uhhh...to much….can’t…”  your barley able to pant out pushing on the seat back trying to get some leverage to move away from him.

“Yes you can, cum for me again, I want to see you squirt, ruin the seat.” Sam growls out pinning both of your hands in his left one against the doors window.

You can feel it starting deep inside, begging for release, but your massively overstimulated and your body keeps fighting it.

 “Just let go, I know you can,” Sam says in a calm, level voice, stark contrast to his animalistic actions, “let it happen…let go!” Your bodies shaking violently, hips thrusting up off the seat as your orgasm hits so hard you silently scream, your inner muscles spasming your release, flooding over his wrist and hand onto the leather seat below.

He briefly continues the steady movement of his fingers then gently pulls them out as your walls continue clenching around nothing.

Releasing your hands he picks up your discarded skirt wiping your overused pussy tenderly, cleaning you up as much as possible before lifting your hips and placing the old army blanket on the seat and lying down behind you spoons your quivering body till it’s calmed.

 “You ok?” He asks softly stroking your arm, soothing you. “Yeah, better than ok,” you drowsily murmur, “what possessed you to recreate the night we meet?”

“Wanted to do something special for our fourth anniversary.” He lovingly replies nuzzling your neck.

 “And your birthday,” you feel Sam make a face at being reminded he is now thirty-six. “Why is this one bothering you, they never have before.”

 “Its stupid,” he sighs, making you turn your head enough to look at him. “Dean noticed that grey hair and..”

“..gave you shit about it. You could ignore him.”

“Mission impossible, it’s Dean” Sam says, sighing again.

“Hmm, well then there's only one option...Winchester him.” You say looking serious.

Sam smiles at your suggestion. It had been to damn long since he had pranked Dean and payback was way overdue. 

“See, with age comes wisdom, grasshopper”

[inevitably-johnlocked]

So I came across an old livejournal fic I'd forgotten about and loved (silver sixpece by doodle) and was wondering if you'd seen or knew any other non ao3 fic that's amazing and just been forgotten in fandom moves? Thanks!!

Hi Lovely!!

Ah, okay so I don’t usually read any fics on Livejournal because it’s a frustrating medium to read it on – I literally have only read that one fic and only because it was labelled “for a case” LOL – so yeah, the majority of fics I’ve read before Ao3 were on FFNet :P AND I bookmarked over…200 or so Sherlock fics on FFNet, so I can’t list ALL of them here, LOL, so how about I give you a list of my favourite fics from FFNet, plus that LJ one because I do love that fic too :)

Now, I KNOW some of these are on Ao3, but they STARTED at another site and it was where I FIRST found them, so you can check to see if any of these are on Ao3 if you want to bookmark them on your Ao3 account :) 

Regardless, these should not be missed just because they’re not on Ao3! Check them out!

TOP 25 FAVE NON-Ao3 FICS

See also: Alexx’s List of Fics Not on Ao3

His by I'm Nova (T, 1,042 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Hurt/Comfort, Manipulation, Possessive Sherlock) – Sherlock doesn't share what he's fond of.

Back in the Saddle by grannysknitting (M, 1,577 w., 1 Ch. || Post TGG AU, Donovan POV, Observation / Introspection, Protective Sherlock, Injured John, Case-ish Fic) – Their first return to solving crime after the pool and the explosion.

206 Reasons by whitchry9 (K+, 1,693 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Pre-Slash, Light Angst, Worried Sherlock) – John won't wake up, so Sherlock lists all the reasons why he should. Because he appears to be a bit besotted. How inconvenient.

3:00 in the Morning is a Great Time to Talk by Aztecwarfareandcrumping (K+, 1,775 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt / Comfort, Friendship, Bed Sharing, First Person POV John, Cuddling, Worried Sherlock, Comforting John, Platonic Affection/Love) – "Are you trying to talk your way into my bed?" "Obviously."

Take My Hand, Knot Your Fingers Through Mine by patster223 (K+, 2,003 w., 1 Ch. || H/C & Friendship, Whump) - "I know this is an inconvenience for you, but I would really rather you were awake right now, John." John is unconscious, and Sherlock decides to talk to him anyway. Sherlock/John pre-slash.

Loving John Watson by Spark_Writer (T, 2,036 w., 1 Ch. || Canon Compliant, Angst, Falling in Love, Second Person POV) – You discover early on that you want him. Maybe even the very day you meet.

Ten Hours by morningdawn202 (T, 2,242 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Friendship, Worried Sherlock) - It’s been ten hours since Sherlock saw John last. If you can get past a few of the inconsistencies (like John having a cane) then it’s pretty good.

Just Admit It by LoyalNerdWP (T, 2,512 w. || Christmas, Fluff, Family, Romance, Pining Sherlock) – Sherlock goes to his family’s place for Christmas without John, and Mycroft makes an interesting observation that Sherlock missed.

Nothing Left Untouched by ForeverShippingJohnlock (K+, 2,617 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Romance, Bed Sharing, Oblivious Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Grumpy John, Fluff and Cuddles) – Sherlock rearranges the flat. So what if John's bedroom is now a research library. It's not like John needs a bedroom, he can share with Sherlock. They're friends and John has obviously slept in close quarters with men before and it's not like Sherlock sleeps much anyway. It'll be fine.

Museums and Laboratories by RhododendronPonticum (T, 3,004 w., 1 Ch. || Romance, Angst, Obsessive Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, Anxiety/Panic Attack, Separation Anxiety, Doctor John, Co-Dependent Sherlock) – If Sherlock's kitchen was his laboratory, then his bedroom was his museum.

Reversed by whitchry9 (K+, 3,072 w., 6 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Medical Anomolies, John Gets Shot) – The man pointed his gun at John's chest, right at his heart, and shot.' Wherein John is shot, and Sherlock is the one panicking.

On Hiatus: Rotterdam by rukushaka (T, 4,240 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Drama, Couple For A Case, Post-TRF, John Joins Sherlock, No Slash) – “Used them after uni a bit. Purely for research purposes, of course," Sherlock said tiredly, head lolling against John's shoulder." Sherlock goes on a mission alone, or: Two blokes in a luxury hotel in the Netherlands. Non-linear timeline. Set during the Hiatus.

Very Good Indeed by StillWaters1 (T, 4,531 w, 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Doctor John, John Whump) – John Watson was a doctor, trained to observe details; a fact Sherlock had never been more aware of than when a drugged John’s lifesaving instructions were based on an unlabeled syringe and an unconscious murder suspect’s body.

Goodbye, John by XxMildredxX (T, 7,154 w., 1 Ch.  || MCD, Angst, Self Reflection, Saying Goodbye, Holidays,, Scared Sherlock, Bittersweet Ending) – John finds it very difficult to tell Sherlock of his diagnosis, but it seems Sherlock has deduced it himself. As John says goodbye, he and Sherlock struggle with the feelings that this brings on them, and how Sherlock will go on when John has gone.

A Kiss and a Cuddle Should be Sufficient by Evenlodes Friend (M, 7,515 w., 3 Ch. || Romance, Adventure, Voyeurism, Sex Club, Case Fic, Kinks, Gang Bang, Blow Jobs, Group Sex) – To catch their killer, John and Sherlock go to a sex club. Kinky things happen and they talk about it.

Alone On the Water by Mad_Lori (G, 7,725 w., 1 Ch. || MCD, UST/URT, Angst, Euthanasia, Love Confessions) – Sherlock Holmes never expected to live a long life, but he never imagined that it would end like this.

Catastrophe Medicine by LaSuen (T, 11,550 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt / Comfort, Suspense, Adventure, Whump, Hard Core Bromance) – Chasing after a pyromaniac bomber Sherlock and John wind up in a deserted building which explodes and leaves them trapped under the rubble, both severely injured.

The Hand You're Dealt by Lady Sam Mallory (T, 12,092 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Light Violence, BAMF John, Doctor John, Injury, Friendship) – Sherlock, John and several others are trapped in a building when an explosion disrupts the crime scene they are working.

Fear Itself by KCS (K+, 12,289 w., 3 Ch. || Suspense, Friendship) – John is accustomed to being kidnapped by now, but he never expected a criminal to adopt Mycroft's method of doing so, to ensure he comes along without a fight.

A Silver Sixpence by _doodle (NC-17, 16,400 w., 2 Ch. || LJ Fic || For a Case / Case Fic, Fake Relationship, Humour, Romance, Marriage Proposal, Awkward Idiots, Cuddling, Touching, Kissing, Love Confessions, Bed Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fake Until It’s Not, Schmoop and Fluff, Bottomlock) – “John, we need to get married. It’s for a case, not any romantic notions on my part pertaining to our partnership,” Sherlock said, with brutal honesty, and without even looking up.

Checkmate to a Castled King by LaSuen (T, 18,290 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt / Comfort, Sick Sherlock, Rev. Reich.) - John dies. Or at least everyone thinks he does.

Sympathy for the Devil and Mycroft Holmes by scifigrl47 (T, 18,535 w., 2 Ch. || Family, Canon-Compliant, Meddling Mycroft, Big Brother Mycroft) – Mycroft has always protected his younger brother, but there are some things he just can't control. Sherlock's relationship with John Watson is one of them. Set during the first two seasons of Sherlock.

Invisible by chappysmom (K+, 25,947 w., 11 Ch. || No Slash, semi-canon compliant) – John had had the knack for as long as he could remember. It wasn’t that he could become invisible, exactly. The laws of physics worked quite well in his vicinity, thank you very much. It was just that people tended … not to see him. {{This was one of the first AU’s I read, and I still love it to this day}}. SEQUELS: Still Invisible (ASiB) || Too Visible (THoB) || Invisible Once More (TRF)

And A Doctor by StillWaters1 (T, 27,393 w., 6 Ch. || Friendship, Doctor John, Whump, Soldier / Doctor Dichotomy, Five and One) – It was only when people actually saw John working as a physician that they began to understand: that it wasn't just about bullets and IEDs and trauma care under fire. That "doctor" actually covered a pretty wide field. And that John was bloody good at covering ground. 5 times Dr. Watson treated others and 1 time he treated himself.

A Week is Just Seven Days Isn't It? by scifigrl47 (T, 39,906 w., 4 Ch. || Humour, Friendship/Bromance, Stroppy/Bored Sherlock, Undercover/Army John, Texting, Pining-ish Sherlock, John Whump) – When John heads overseas for a week, Sherlock's forced to fend for himself. It goes about as well as anyone could have anticipated. Which is to say, very, very poorly. Don't worry, things'll be fine in just seven days.

[k8kat]

bi/pan discourse

i want to preface this by saying that i am not trying to invalidate bisexuality in any way. i condemn biphobia, harmful bi stereotypes, and pansexuals who use the label in biphobic ways. 

there has been a major resurgence of pan vs bi discourse lately, and it has been EXHAUSTING. (honestly, i’ve seriously considered leaving the lgbtq+ side of the internet before just because of the sheer amount of discourse.) initially, i was going to keep to myself and try not to let the discourse get to me. but there’s a shit ton of misinformation and people not taking pan voices seriously, so i thought fuck that. i try not to comment on individual community discourses because i believe that if it’s not your label, it’s not your place. for example, i don’t weigh in on lesbian discourse because i am not a lesbian. therefore, my opinion doesn’t really matter. anyone who identifies as a lesbian is more of an expert on the subject than i am and my voice might get in the way of other valid opinions from lesbians. same goes for trans, nonbinary, ace, etc. but this discourse does involve me, so here’s my two cents. 

first off, we need a bit of history. pansexualism was coined in the early 1900’s by freud to denote the idea that all human behavior is driven by sexual instinct. but no one listens to freud because he was wrong about a lot of things. many people, when looking at the origins of modern pansexuality, point to a horrendously biphobic and transphobic internet post from 2002. however, pansexuality as a label has been used as early as the 1960’s/1970’s (though that was partially within kink communities to mean someone who was open to any sexual experience). in the mid-90’s a more recognizable version of pansexuality came into play. pansexuality was used in some cases interchangeably with bisexuality in the 90’s. some have said that they used the pansexual label because of transphobia and nonbinary exclusionists in certain areas of the bi community. (i am not trying to say that bisexuals are transphobic, i am only saying that there were/are transphobic bisexuals, just like there were/are transphobic pansexuals, lesbians, gay men, etc.) some have said that the label was used because of the fact that more gender identities were starting to be more widely accepted, so some in the bi community felt they needed a new term. while the bi community has become much more accepting, many people today still identify as pansexual.

many people have also said that pansexuality promotes bi erasure. if people use pansexuality to describe someone who actually identifies as bi, then yes. If you use pansexuality to invalidate bi people, then yes. but someone simply identifying as pan does not automatically erase a bi person. if someone includes the pan flag in a post but not the bi flag, that is the fault of the person who made the post, not the pan community as a whole. pansexuality is a valid identity with a history that, contrary to popular belief, extends past the existence of tumblr. most labels with overlapping meanings tend to lead to some degree of erasure (e.g. i’ve heard many claim that sappho was actually bi and calling her a lesbian is bi erasure, which, if true, i agree with). bi erasure is a serious issue that does need to be addressed, and while pansexuality does sometimes contribute, someone identifying as pan is not actively hurting anyone (unless they use pansexuality to justify bigotry, but that’s true of any identity).

many people have used pansexuality to excuse biphobia and transphobia. i am not trying to excuse any biphobic or transphobic pansexuals. i want to make it clear that i do not agree with these people in any way. trans women are women and trans men are men. bisexuals are valid and are not hypersexual, dirty, or less inclusive than pansexuals. bisexuals are wonderful and i 100% support anyone who identifies as bi. 

there are many definitions of pansexuality, some of which have been problematic. however, the most widely used one today, and the one that i use, is attraction to all genders. many people use the similar if not identical definitions of bi and pan to say that pansexuality is redundant and unnecessary. i do recognize that bisexuals can also be attracted to nonbinary people (yes, i’ve read the bi manifesto, many times. in fact, the part that comes after the famously-quoted bit in the bi manifesto tends to get overlooked and reads, “We bisexuals tend to define bisexuality in ways that are unique to our own individuality. There are as many definitions of bisexuality as there are bisexuals. Many of us choose not to label ourselves anything at all, and find the word bisexual to be inadequate and too limiting.”). i am not going to tell bisexual people what their identity means. that’s not my place. i realize that some people say that pan, being on the mspec (multi-gender attraction spectrum) falls under the umbrella of bi, and i realize that some people find calling bi an umbrella term offensive. and i realize that having two words for pretty much the same thing can seem very redundant. so why don’t i identify as bi? the best way that i can describe it is that i don’t feel any connection to the term. when i use it it feels like it’s not mine. like i’m stealing or hiding. (though that could partially be because the only time i’ve called myself bi was in the presence of someone i knew would make fun of me for being pan.) simply put, i feel more comfortable identifying as pan. and yes, i realize that many people believe labels are strictly for description and not comfort, but i have to agree to disagree. labels are inherently there for your comfort. (e.g. some wlw prefer to simply be called gay instead of lesbian.) finding a label that you identify with can be an important part of being lgbtq+. and in the end, even if there is quite a bit of overlap in mspec identities, the labels that people use are ultimately their business. i am not going to force myself into a label that i don’t feel fits me just because of some online discourse (because, to be quite blunt, 99% of the lgbtq+ discourses are mostly if not completely online. I haven’t seen many be brought up in real life.). 

to be quite honest, the continued hatred of pansexuality only pushes me further into identifying as pan.  with all due respect, you can tear my pansexuality from my cold dead hands. 

ultimately, division between the bi and pan communities only leads to hurt. arguing amongst ourselves not only divides us and distracts from our common enemy, but actively gives our enemy more fuel to hurt us with. arguing amongst the lgbtq+ community gives homophobes and transphobes more examples of our “ridiculousness” to make fun of us with. as someone who goes to a school with lots of homophobes and has heard every homophobic/transphobic insult under the sun in the school hallways, i find the unification of the lgbtq+ community very important. we need to protect each other, not tear each other down. making each other feel invalidated and unwelcome only harms the lgbtq+ community. 

another issue this discourse has brought me to is the need for a new pan flag since the old one was created by someone who has been accused of being lesbophobic. so if and when a new flag comes up, i’ll be excited to see what it looks like! 

i realize that even after this, there will still be many people who disagree with me. and that’s okay! we can agree to disagree. i do it all the time. honestly, as long as people don’t try and force labels on me i’m cool. 

MORE RESOURCES ON PANSEXUALITY:

The Past and Popular Usage of the Term "Pansexual" 

 What Is Pansexuality? 

 defining pansexuality over the years

pansexuality vs bisexuality 

What is Pansexuality? | Definition, History and Pansexuals in Pop Culture 

What Does 'Pansexual' Mean? Behind the Rise of the Word | Time 

Pansexuality 101: It’s More Than ‘Just Another Letter’ 

Hiding in Plain Sight: Why We Need To Pay Attention to Bi/Pan Erasure 

The Difference Between Bisexual & Pansexual Matters Less Than Solidarity Among LGBTQ Folks, Advocates Say 

[imaginebeatles]

hey, I hope this isn't too personal that it makes uncomfortable,but I'm kind of starting to learn about my sexuality and knowing that you're asexual I was just wondering how you figured it out, u know that ur asexual, and this might be the stupidest/longest question you've aver got but like if you fell in love with someone does things change and how did you deal with it?

No! It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. I know how tough it can be trying to figure things out and having someone tell about their own experiences can really help. This answer may end up being a little rambly (figuring stuff out was confusing for me and took years). This answer is long, so I hope it’ll help you. 

If you have any questions, message me. I don’t mind talking about it :) 

Basically, I never really questioned my sexuality at first. I grew up in a very open-minded household (my mum’s bisexual herself) and I always figured that I’d fall in love with whoever I fell in love with. If it was a girl, then it was a girl. If it was a guy, it was a guy. I never really experienced sexual feelings towards anyone, but I did like the idea of romance and intimacy (still do) so I figured it would come later when I met the right person. Sex was always taught to me by my parents and school as a natural thing that everyone will engage in and that you’ll start feeling those desires when you’re older. For me, I thought sex was weird (the idea of actually doing it or people actually having done it kinda seemed very weird to me), but it still interested me and I liked reading smut fics and having private me time ;) 

When I had my first serious crush at 16/17 however, things got... complicated. He was a friend of mine from school and we began hanging out more during a school trip to America, at which point I began to slowly realise I kinda fancied him. However, even though I wanted to hang out with him and be with him and touch him (hold hands, etc.) and kiss him, I never thought about him in a sexual way (I tried once but had to stop after five seconds because... no). At that point, I had started to learn more about lgbt+ stuff (although my country is accepting, they can do a lot better in terms of education. basically all our sex ed was about heterosexual sex with one a few lose comments along the lines of “sometimes girls like girls and guys like guys” but nothing more in depth than that. The joke was mainly that you didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant.) 

Nothing ever happened between me and the guy (we went on a double date once and flirted a little, but we were both too shy to do anything, and right now I’m kinda glad, seeing as I didn’t know I was asexual yet and having a romantic relationship would have made that whole thing so much more difficult), but it got me to question my sexuality, especially because I realised that even though I liked girls and thought they were beautiful and had strange feelings sometimes, I never wanted to have sex with them, but neither did I want to have sex with guys, making me question if I was bi again (which I am) (also, at this point, people kinda started thinking I was gay (friends and family), so that got me thinking too). 

At this point, I knew about the asexual label, but I didn’t fully understand it (there was a lot of ace discourse happening back then, which didn’t help at all with making me feel like I was experiencing a normal thing). Having always been taught sex=love=sex, I thought that if you were ace you couldn’t have a relationship with anyone and would never be able to love anyone. I really did not want to be asexual, not wanting to die alone. Now, I know this is, of course, complete bullshit, but I was still figuring stuff out. I did find the gray ace label at that point, which offered me a bit more freedom, so I adopted that privately when I started university two years later, though I never came out to anyone. 

At uni I came into contact with other lgbt+ people and we had a lot more academic discussions about gender and sexuality too, which made me question a lot of stuff again. I did more research on both gray ace and asexuality, and got more confident with the gray-ace label. On a holiday to London with one of my closest friends, I came out to them, and we talked and while she didn’t understand it, it did help me think about it more. That was the summer before my third year of university, which I would spend abroad in Edinburgh. Before leaving, I did more research on asexuality and got a more thorough understanding, and finally realised that maybe asexual described me better, so I adopted that label for my exchange year. There, I also didn’t come out, but I did more research and used the label privately for myself for half a year, before I finally came out to @chut-je-dors when I was certain it fitted me. I talked with her about asexuality and she kinda understood. That’s when I fully realised and accepted I was asexual.

Coming home that summer, I told my mum, who started to learn more about it too and then my step-dad. Then, last spring I accepted I was bi too, and that’s kinda where I’m at right now. I’m “out” in the sense that if anyone were to ask about my love life or sexuality, I would tell them, but because I’m generally quite private, I haven’t really told anyone else yet. 

I’m sorry if this was rambly and i don’t know if any of what I told you will help in anyway, but basically, for me, it was a relatively long journey. I was lucky to grow up in an accepting environment, but still the lack of information and the negativity around asexuality really did not help me accept myself. I still struggle with it sometimes, but now I do like being asexual. I wouldn’t want to change it. It’s just who I am and I don’t miss it. 

I did a lot of research on the internet (AVEN is a great resource, as well as youtube videos), and talked about it with people who I could trust, even if they didn’t know anything about asexuality themselves. But yeah, I really didn’t know I was asexual until I was 21 and even then, I didn’t fully accept myself completely until quite recently at 22/23. University was especially a struggle at times, because of certain courses I took where this kinda stuff around my sexuality came up, but it forced me to really look within myself and analyse myself and listen to what exactly i wanted, both in a relationship and sexually. 

The important thing to keep in mind is that asexuality is a broad umbrella term and everyone’s experiences are different. People’s attitudes to sex are different, as well as if they still want a romantic relationship (I do, though I only experience romantic feelings for someone I have an emotional connection with) or not. Also, some things that you may be taught are sexual, aren’t necessarily that. I’m a very sensual person when it comes to romantic relationships and I love intimacy and closeness and touching, but actual sex is a big no for me (though I’m open for negotiations, as I may have forms of sex to satisfy my partner and for closeness with them, but it’s about intimacy, not sex. I can get it through other ways too). This means that my experience of sex is different from others, even if the act itself is similar. Lots of ace people also have kinks for example, but it’s about emotional trust and connection (or something else), rather than sex itself. 

In terms of romantic relationships... I’ve only ever really wanted to date one guy and I didn’t. However, being in love didn’t change anything for me. I still liked him romantically, and I still see people who I fancy romantically or sensually or aesthetically. It’s just that I don’t want to have sex with them. However, as I’m quite neutral about sex, I’d be able to negotiate something with my partner if they want, but this depends on the partner as well as personal boundaries, which differ from person to person. Also, I didn’t really feel like dating anyone until last summer, because that’s when I figured out what kind of relationship I want. Now that I know who I am and what I want, i’m more comfortable putting myself out there and getting a romantic partner. 

Asexuality can be rather frustrating when it comes to dating, however. It makes it a bit more complicated, because you have to be sure you’re compatible in bed as well. That doesn’t mean you can only date ace people when you’re ace, but it requires good communication. However, anyone should probably have good communication with their partners, so to a certain degree, I’d say it’s better because it forced you to do this. The important thing is to know what you want and what your boundaries are. But really, in terms of feelings towards another person, it’s not that different. I just don’t want to have sex with them, but I still want to be with them and do all the other stuff couples do. Sex is not a requirement for a good and healthy relationship :) 

Aside from this, I had some very ace moments of walking with my friends in the streets and not noticing cute guys, because it’s not what I’m thinking about, or feeling weird when people bring up their crushes or sex life, because it seems so foreign and strange. Sometimes the idea that people actually have sex is still a bit weird to me. I just don’t have that desire with other people. 

Anyway, I hope this someone helped you, at least a little bit. If you wanna talk more, please don’t be afraid to message me. Figuring out your sexuality can be lonely and I sure wish I had someone to talk about it back when I was first questioning myself. Just take your time and don’t worry too much. Stuff will make sense eventually. 

[thackerybinx01]

TBH,

I can’t stand pedophilia, incest, rape or all manner of super dark fics. If I happen to come across it in fanfiction untagged I either click out of the fic entirely or skip it as much as possible. The few times I’ve read it it’s bothered me for days if not weeks and I’m always left troubled and nauseous. The times I’m forced to watch it in media unprepared (which is a whole different issue I could write about) it leaves me sick, shaking and in tears.

That being said I’m still not out there attacking people who write it or draw it because as long as they tag it so I can make my own choice to engage-then it’s not a problem for me. I don’t know these people or why they decided to create this type of media but I don’t want any parts of it so I avoid it. That’s it. It’s not my job to understand why they do it or discuss their mental health and why it’s ok or not ok to do it at all. I’m not a therapist or psychologist or a mental health professional in any capacity so why would I involve myself in whatever they’re working through? I’m not defending dark fic like y’all are so quick to say, I’m just sticking to KINKYTOMATO. (I also see the problem in calling it a kink but this is in terms or fan creations.)

There are too many people who have come forward saying that that’s how they cope with certain things and I’m not the one who has the “right” to come after them for that. Not only that, I’m not going to scroll down every post or piece of work they’ve ever written looking to see if they have the “right” to create dark fic bc they were abused/traumatized, etc. it’s not my right to police them or deem them acceptable. Once I see those tags I’m out. And I can scroll away at peace.

Not only that but a lot of you have blurred the line on what qualifies as pedophilia and thrown out a huge amount of accusations and insults to people who simply write about fictional characters considered underage. Even when the characters are aged up that’s not acceptable to y’all for some reason and y’all still slap that pedophilia label on whatever you don’t like. It’s pretty messed up and it makes it hard to identify the people that actually should be avoided.

I’m pretty sure I’ve only scratched the tiniest surface of a much bigger issue but most of what I really see is popular fan blogs get attacked for writing either a fictional character that’s considered underage (that’s sometimes aged up), a dark fic tagged to hell and back, or someone who was communicating with people they weren’t aware were underage and then getting accused of grooming.

Y’all are so quick to create call out posts and hit lists of “people to avoid bc they’re pedophiles/promote x problematic thing” and then I’ll go look and it’s just an adult fan writing fics about fictional characters in a way you don’t like. It’s not the same thing and you fuck over a lot of people when you do that.

All I’m trying to say is that I don’t promote pedophilia, incest, etc in fanworks I promote mind your fucking business unless it’s actually real life and then contact the authorities trained to handle this instead of verbally attacking.

So in regards to the whole dark fic issue, tag it so I can avoid it, if you’re underage you should not be involved in it and mind your business and I’ll mind mine. That’s it.

[irwinkitten]

carry on | m.c

requested: kinda? it’s part two of the bi!reader series. pairing: bi!reader x Michael notes: so this is part two to the bi!reader series. i’ve been working on this for the last two? three? weeks now. i had only intended to be like, 5k at most? maybe 6k at a push. but here we are, 30k words later. just a quick thank you to @burncrashbromance for setting this series in motion (you can find in love here.) i would also like to thank @glitterprincelu, @astroashtonio , and @hereforlukescruff for being personal cheerleaders when i needed them. (especially to allie as well who let me use her name, i love u soulmate #1) i want to also thank @hotmessmichael who kept reminding me that it wasn’t entirely shit. also shout out to @calumh-excess for being moral support through the last half of the fic and reminding me to take sanity breaks. love u rum auntie h. massive shout out to the rest of the girls in the nothin’ but love gc too ( @notoriouslyhood, @meetashthere, @valentinelrh, @softforcal) y’all have been my fucking rocks when i wanted to smack my head against heavy objects. 

warnings: angst, fluff, very slow burn.  word count: thirty fucking thousand words. with a couple of extra.  (30,125 words to be precise. 79 pages in google docs.)

---

“Y/N, you need to go, you’ve still got to get through security!” Her mum called out, wrapping her daughter in a tight hug.

It was going to be a long flight to LA, and she was nervous as anything.

“Promise us you’ll at least call whilst you’re out there? I’m going to miss hearing you strumming away.” At this, she laughed, a soft grin on her lips as she kissed her mother's cheek.

“I promise. Please don’t make me cry, I’ve still got to say goodbye to Allie.” At this, her mum chuckled before planting another kiss to her forehead before letting her go.

Y/N practically threw herself in her girlfriend’s arms, peppering her face in kisses, earning a laugh from Allie.

“Look at you, getting your shot in LA. I’m so damn proud of you.” And she knew that her girl was over the moon, but the tears shared between the two still spoke of the worries and sadness they felt at the distance that was about to come between them.

“I’ll text as often as possible babygirl, I promise.”

“Y/N!” She groaned at her name being called before leaning forward, pressing a soft kiss goodbye to her girlfriend.

“I love you Allie, don’t forget that.”

And then she was practically rushing away, carry on in one hand with her guitar slung over her shoulder, waving to her girl and her family.

---

The journey felt exhausting. When she’d left, it had been eight am. Yet as she landed, the time told her it was only ten am and she quickly realised today was going to be a very long one.

Managing to get an Uber to the hotel that was booked for her, she got her stuff checked in and sent the message to her mum and Allie that she had arrived safely in LA and that she was setting off to explore for the day.

‘Take care of yourself’ came from her mother. ‘Eat all the ice cream you can today and send me selfies.’ came from Allie.

Sending a quick message to one of the producers she was meeting with the next day to let them know she’d arrived safely, she didn’t expect an invite for lunch in LA.

‘That way you’ll know a friendly face when you come into the studio and maybe we can talk over some of the ideas you have. It’s handy to go in prepared when you’re recording.’

And that was what led her to a small cafe, sat in the sunshine with John Feldmann.

“How are you liking LA so far?” She shrugged.

“It’s more humid than back in Britain. I don’t know how my hair is going to survive a month whilst we get this done.” John laughed.

“You’ll adapt. You’ll miss this humidity back home, I can bet it.”

“Oh I know I will.”

“I’ve managed to get one of the more bigger studios, I remembered you putting that small spaces whilst recording weren’t ideal?” At this, she laughed.

“It’s because I like to move. I can’t stay still unless I’m sat at the piano, but even then I’m more than likely rocking out.” John joined in with the laughter.

“I think I’m going to like working with you. I had to rearrange a few schedules, but overall none were bothered by it. I think we gave a few people the lie-ins the desperately wanted.”

“As long as I haven’t inconvenienced anyone. I’m still amazed that it was my track that was picked. Like, there were so many that seemed to much better than mine.” She admitted softly and John smiled. He knew the team had picked right.

“You simply turned the camera on and went for it. No recording equipment, no overlays of other instruments. Just you and the guitar. And it was such a refreshing and catchy sound, how could we not pick you?” Her cheeks had gone as red as a tomato.

“Glad to understand how I got picked. Honestly, this is like, a dream. Like, I’m gonna wake up in five minutes and my girl is gonna give me a kiss good morning before she’s off to work and then I’m gonna roll out of bed to my own job.” At this, John laughed.

“It can kind of feel that way sometimes. Did you want to head to the studio today to check out what you’re working with? I know today was meant to be introductory and giving you a chance to settle, but I know that knowing where you’re going into will help.” She nodded in understanding.

“Actually, I like the idea of that.”

---

The studio had been beyond her wildest dreams. The mixing board alone was bigger than her usual recording space, so the actual studio was a dream to be in.

She had met a few other faces that were going to be helping her and she recognised what John was doing. He was helping her build connections away from making the actual music.

But she networked herself well, managed to get a few details and her new start felt promising. She’d heard bad things about LA, but she knew that she needed to experience every bit of it to get her feet stuck in.

The day had felt like a whirlwind but it meant that at nine pm, she passed out having barely crawled under the covers.

The next day, felt almost like another whirlwind. Because she was staying in LA for the month, there was more time in the studio and with other writers to perhaps add or help adjust the songs.

What had pained her was having to pick a list of songs, so she simply brought the entire book that held her life in its pages, her heart and soul falling into the lyrics. It would be easier for others to see her work, to see the highest and lowest moments of her life.

And that was terrifying as fuck.

She greeted John with ease and she had to stop herself from having a starstruck moment as she realised who she was writing with.

“This is Alex Gaskarth and Michael Clifford, guys, this is Y/N.” John introduced and she shook their hands, her brain kicking into high gear as they sat down in the various chairs, a small coffee table between them.

“Nice to meet you. Feldy hasn’t shut up about finding real raw talent for the last week and a half.” This made her laugh.

“I just play the guitar and sing. If people see it as talented then I’ll roll with it. But it was hard earned talent.” Michael chuckled as he shook her hand.

“Good, it gives me less of a job when it comes to producing. I’ll be one of the producers for your EP.” She felt her lips grow even wider.

“Nice to know I’m in safe hands then.”

“Shall we get started?” Alex indicated to the book sat on the coffee table, and it was only a moment of hesitation before she nodded her head and opened it, sharing her fears and joys with total strangers to find and create the right songs.

---

The writing session seemed to be successful.

Finding the right songs seemed to take a lot of time, going over the melodies she had in her head which might or might not work, the others pitching their own ideas into the creation.

They had at least agreed on six songs, especially with both Alex and Michael finding songs that they refused to budge on, saying that both had to make the final EP list.

John had watched in amusement as they argued their cases for their picks to go on the list until Y/N had rolled her eyes at both of them and added them to the list, making both men pause. John chuckled.

“Don’t worry about that last spot, the record company agreed to seven anyway, which means you can still record the cover.” He reassured her and she relaxed a little bit. That then sent the two men into a mode of writing a list of songs that would make a potential album if she were ever to do one.

“With so many songs, and so many ideas, you might as well use this opportunity to get a tracklist for a potential album and maybe some demo versions. If you get picked up by a record label, if you’re prepared, you’ll shoot straight to the top.” Alex explained and she nodded her head.

“We made that mistake when we signed with Capitol. We only had an EP that we’d produced ourselves, but there was no album music. It took us another six months before we got there and it was in between tours. We realised fast, that anything we wrote or created need to be noted down as possibilities.” Michael continued and she found herself amused but understood the help they were offering.

So they continued through the songs, creating the tracklist as if she were making an album as well.

Eventually, time ran out for that day and Y/N stretched the kinks from her back as they stood up and exchanged numbers.

“We should be able to get that first beat tracked, and if you’re cool with it, could I bring a couple of friends who could help us with the rhythm on the last few songs? I’ve got a good beat but Ash is the only person who will be able to translate what I’m trying to explain.”

“Wait, you’re asking me?” The question had fallen from her lips before her cheeks flushed in shock. “Wait, sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound so rude---uh---the last person I tried to produce with, they just brought people in and honestly, it made me hate the song.”

Michael frowned at her words before shaking his head.

“No, no, don’t apologise. That’s why I wanted to ask your permission. You don’t just bring people in.” Her scoffed and she chuckled.

“I think I can trust you to make sure that the beats wont get lost in translation.” Almost immediately, the book was opened to a semi-fresh page, the words being written down in a margin.

The three males all laughed as she snapped the book shut.

“You’re a breath of fresh air. C’mon, I’m hungry and we need to get to know you as a person, not just this British artist who struck gold.” Alex slung an arm over her shoulder and the group left the studio.

She could feel her excitement build in her stomach in anticipation of the next four weeks.

As promised, Michael had roped in his bandmates, Calum and Ashton to help with the rhythm on a few of her songs and when Ashton managed to understand what Michael was trying to convey, she felt her heart soar as the song began to craft itself.

That was when she very quietly asked if they could re-record the song she’d lost love for.

John was immediately for it and the others couldn’t find a reason to say no, so they listened to the song.

“The tune is right, but there’s too much going on. It’s like they were trying to sabotage your work or attempt to make house music. Still figuring that out.” Ashton muttered, making her laugh .

“I think it was more sabotage than anything, but I felt that I could never release the song. They absolutely ruined the song which I loved so much and I just, didn’t know how to make it good again. But seeing you get what Michael was trying to say, I want to trust myself and my instincts and actually get across the sound I want.”

So it became another brainstorming session. Thankfully, this was a full studio day, so Ashton had her play the bare tune on the guitar, nothing else as he got a feel for the stripped back version.

Calum, as she played, plucked a few strings and suddenly this riff was born and they were all thankful that Michael had set his phone to record these sessions.

It was with relief when they’d tracked the music and Michael promised he’d work on it separately to the EP.

“Consider it a special release. It’s the one song you loved, so it gets to be a single.” He shrugged and suddenly it felt very real to her.

The time difference between her and Allie made it a pain occasionally, especially when she’d called Allie on the break they had and lost track of time to the point that one of the boys had to come out to get her, but they didn’t give her grief for it.

“It’s difficult when your loved ones are in a totally different timezone.” John had smiled after another apology fell from her lips. “We get it, so don’t fret.”

“It’s just, with this chance I’ve had, my girl went for the promotion offer they had and she managed to get it. So she wanted to call me before they headed out to celebrate.” This earned her soft smiles from the guys.

As they tracked the various parts, they began to ask Y/N questions about home which also led to questions about Allie.

“How long have you two been together?”

“We celebrate two years at the end of next month.” The grin had already worked its way onto her lips. “Doing this distance is difficult, it was bad enough when I was doing small tours as a support and she couldn’t come with me. But she’s been one of the biggest supports, even before we started dating.”

“What, so you were friends to lovers?” Alex teased and the answering grin made him laugh.

“We were. We were the real cliche couple and everyone both loved and hated us for it.” This drew laughter from the group.

“Well at least we know who to rely on for the cheesy one liners and love songs.” This earned a snort of amusement.

“Please, my love songs pale in comparison. I mean, Stella is the best love song out there.” This set the group off in laughter again as she got called up to track the guitar.

---

As the month carried on, Y/N was introduced to so many faces at various functions and small parties that the guys hosted.

They had taken her to one of the open mic nights, getting her up on the stage in front of a different crowd to see how people would react and they loved her.

Especially when Ashton streamed one of the songs on Instagram and soon her socials were gaining a lot of traction and that was when the pressure was beginning to get felt with producing the tracks.

There were both good and bad days, the good days outweighing the bad, but sometimes they used the bad days to fuel the more emotional songs and that was when things began to fall into place.

It was at the end of the month after their final day in the studio that Michael had called Y/N as she was packing.

“I know you’re probably packing up, but you’ve still got three days in LA before you fly home. The guys and I were wondering if we could have a small get together to celebrate this new born friendship in the hopes that you’ll remember us when you’re rich and famous.” This had her laughing.

“Give me a couple of hours. I’m waiting for a call from Allie. I’ll text you when I’m done, yeah?”

“Sure, I’ll pick you up from the hotel.” And before she could protest, the call was cut.

When Allie called, she found herself smiling at how soft her girl looked, settled in bed with the duvet pulled around her, tired eyes lighting up.

“Hi baby.”

They talked about the last few days of the studio, as well as how Allie was settling into her newest role. She told her about the party and that it felt strange that they’d included her in their friendship group but Allie giggled.

“You’ve got friends for life in them, I can see it. I can’t wait to have you back in my arms.”

“A few more days and I’ll be home. Listen, I know it’s getting late. Get some rest baby, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Good luck with work.”

“You’re too sweet. Love you.”

“Love you too, night.”

The call cut and she lay back on the bed for a moment, a wide smile on her lips before she finally sent a text to Michael.

‘Just got off the phone to Allie. Give me a bell when you get here.’

It was easy to find some of the nicer clothes she had for get togethers, but she knew it was going to be more relaxed. So she kept it easy with black skinny jeans and a floral print dress shirt.

Keeping it simple with her hair down and light make-up, when Michael sent her the text  to say he’d arrived, she was ready to go. Making sure she had her keycard and phone, she headed down and found Michael’s car easily.

The drive to his place had been filled with easy chatter. They talked about the chances of radio play and touring.

“To have my own tour would be the goal, but I know I need to start off as a support. Build up the fanbase and get people excited for my music before doing something like that.” Michael laughed.

“Nothing wrong with being a support. We never had the experience of being support for various acts. We got lucky with One Direction and then we were doing our own shows and having other bands support us. It was crazy.” This had made the both them them laugh as he pulled up to his place.

“I remember. I’ve been a fan of the band for a long time.” She teased him with a laugh. “Although I wouldn’t say no to being a support act for Harry Styles.”

“I don’t know whether to be amused or offended.” His lips turned into a pout as they entered his place and heads turned to greet the newcomer.

“Y/N! Nice to see you finally made it. Why is Mike pouting?”

“Because I said that I wouldn’t say no to being a support act for Harry Styles.” She deadpanned before grinning.

“Ouch. You wound us all.” Ashton clutched at his heart, making her laugh as she accepted a beer from Calum and sat down.

“Have you heard his heavenly voice? Please. I would die every night on the tour listening to him sing.”

“You’re digging the knife in here, you’ve literally got at least three other bands sat with you and you’re talking about Harry Styles.” She laughed loudly.

“C’mon, I know y’all play his album. You can’t deny the truth.”

They laughed as the conversation settled into talks of the future for the bands and the shows coming up, as well as the finished music.

“What about you, Y/N?” Her reverie broke as she looked up at Alex’s question.

“Sorry, I missed what you asked.”

“What are your plans for the future career wise?”

“Hopefully get this EP out, maybe get some bookings. I’m gonna have to do a lot of gigging to keep up my end of the rent till the EP gets released and just hope that I get picked up for a couple of tours.”

“Allie holds the nine to five job then?” Luke queried and she nodded.

“She got lucky with the company she’s with. She’s done nothing but thrive, whereas I was barely struggling through each day at my old job. This came at the right time for me, and I’m a big believer in fate.” They lifted their beers in response to that.

“Well, that’s what we also wanted you around for.” Luke began, sharing a glance with his bandmates.

“We want you to join us for the entirety of the world tour.” Michael finished and she felt her jaw drop as her mind worked out the dates and the countries.

“Holy shit, are you serious?” She sucked in a sharp breath, placing the bottle down as she ran her fingers through her hair. “Are you really fucking serious?” This earned her a few chuckles.

“Absolutely. We managed to convince our management that you’d be a good opener for the tour. And we even gave them a firm reason why you’d be a good fit for the tour.” Michael continued the explanation before tapping away at his phone.

Suddenly, familiar guitar notes began playing through the speakers and a wave of emotion flooded her, tears falling as the song she had long hated, began to play and she felt her heart swell.

“Well done, you made her cry.” John joked as she hastily wiped at the tears as the song finished and she laughed.

“You helped bring life back into a song I thought I was going to hate forever. You don’t know how much this means to me.” She finally got out and Michael beamed.

“We played it to our management and they absolutely loved it. There’s an official offer coming your way, but we wanted to be the first ones to actually ask and then congratulate you.”

“How can I say no? Oh my god you assholes!” This set off more laughter as they lifted their bottles.

“To the best fuckin’ tour and the next number one artist.” Michael chimed and she could feel her face flush at his words.

“To Y/N!” Everyone else responded and she laughed as she took a swig of beer with them, realising how fast everything was going to change now.

---

When the official offer came through the next morning, she called up Michael and just let out a shriek of excitement before he’d even greeted her.

This led him to laughing as she tried to get her words out, but only could make incoherent noises over the phone.

“That offer is a fucking dream! Michael what the hell did you four do to convince them?” Her brain and mouth had finally connected, the stunned shock wearing off as excitement began to build .

“We didn’t do anything! And good morning to you too, sunshine.” She could hear the yawn and glanced at the time.

“It’s ten am, Michael.”

“I know. In my time, that makes it like, seven am.” He muttered and she laughed.

“I have so many questions about touring though, and what I should pack. Fuck, this is going to be nine months and I’ve only toured for two weeks at most. I haven’t even told Allie yet, or my parents. What about-”

“Stop, please.” Michael whinged down the phone, making her pause her tirade. “Give me till lunch and we’ll bombard Ashton’s place for a group meeting so you know what to expect on tour.” She let out a shaky breath as she regained herself, stopping the flow of questions that were desperately trying to escape.

“Alright. I’ll hold off from telling them. Uh, would-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pick you up. Just be ready by one.” She let out a noise of relief and Michael laughed.

“Thank you Mike, see you in a few hours.” The call was cut and her eyes returned to the contract, her eyes going over every last part of it as she tried to get it into her head that this was really going to happen.

“Holy fuck, they’re never gonna believe this.” She muttered to herself as she half flung herself on the bed before an excited squeal left her lips.

---

Michael was leaning against the car waiting for her and he grinned as she ran from the doors of the hotel, half flinging herself at him, arms winding around his neck. His arms wound around her waist as he pulled her tightly.

“Well that’s a greeting and a half.”

“You guys got me on a nine month fucking tour, majority of my merch profits staying with me and a fucking record deal. How?” She pulled back, her lips in the biggest grin he’d seen the entire trip.

“We just showed them you. It was all of your talent that did it. They were really impressed by your work ethic, you didn’t slack during the production of your EP and they think that you’ve got some serious potential. I swear to you, we didn’t even have any kind of say. We just told them that we wanted you on the tour with us. It was management who decided to put you with us for the entire tour. As your stuff gets out and people get to know who you are, they’re almost certain you’ll be performing at award shows.” He explained as the two of them got into his car.

“Please don’t tease.” She whispered in shock and he laughed.

“You’d deserve it. Those songs fucking rule. Have you talked a release date for the EP?”

“They wanted it released at the end of January but decided to release it in March, before we fly out. They want fans to have time to learn my stuff and really get excited. Fuck, if this goes in the direction that you’re telling me, I’m going to have some kind of heart attack.” Michael laughed.

“Simply speaking it into existence. Y/N is going to have a number one award winning single and album. She is also going to play at awards shows and get nominations for awards. Best newcomer definitely.” His voice grew louder and she laughed, tears in her eyes.

“That’s the dream right there.”

“It’s gonna happen.” He smirked at her before pulling into Ashton’s drive.

“Please, when you guys release your album, mine will pale in comparison.” This had the two of them grinning as they entered the house.

Despite the drive having quietened her initial excitement, she couldn’t stop herself when she spotted the guys and gave them the same reaction that Michael had received.

This earned laughter from all of them, including Alex and John who were stood away from the group. But that didn’t stop her from giving them the same treatment.

“You guys have literally made every dream come true in the last month. I don’t know how to thank you guys for it, like, this is such an opportunity and I have so many questions about touring for so long. The longest I’ve gone on a tour is two weeks, yet this is nine months, touring the world twice. Not to mention-” Michael’s hand shot out, covering her mouth and stopping her in her tracks.

Calum snapped a photo as they laughed.

“Will you relax. You’ve got the pros of touring for long periods to help you and the old timers who have their own tricks.” Luke commented, ducking away from the punch that John sent to his arm, only to find himself in a headlock with Alex.

“Watch who you call oldtimer, kid.” They seemed to collapse into the couch in a heap and whilst they playfully wrestled about, the others egging the pair on, Michael slowly moved his hand from Y/N’s lips.

“Breathe. We’re here to help you prepare for this because we recognise that it’s a big jump from doing small tours to the longest tour of your career which goes around the world twice.” She let out a breath of air before nodding and grinning at Michael as he slung his arm across her shoulders.

“Quit playing about, we have a nervous artist who is about to get chucked in with the sharks.” He called over the noise and both Luke and Alex seemed to finally still, Luke’s head now resting in Alex’s lap, making her giggle as Calum shoved Luke’s legs off the sofa and sat down.

Once they were all seated, she went over the list of questions she’d mentally prepared and found herself tapping her fingers together, the excitement and anxiety seeming to kick in.

Part of her was dreading the prep for tour.

“Equipment. They want me to have a touring band which I have no issues with. But with the kit and stuff, I don’t know what’s going to happen there.” John smiled at that.

“They’ve already got a touring band ready for you. Most artists have their own, but the label want people who are familiar with the longer tours. What will happen with your own kit, so guitar and piano as well as any extra strings and the like, they’ll get a date set up for pick up. You just need to be ready. Keep one guitar with you at least as a just in case.” He explained and Michael nudged her, nodding to his phone that was recording.

“Okay, so something more simpler. Packing. What the fuck do I pack?”

“Don’t bother with hair products. You’ll be sharing our stylist on that. For each country, pick out several stage outfits that can get packed separately. That way they’ll be taken to the venue with everything else.” Luke explained and she found herself nodding once more.

“Pack for every kind of weather. Doesn’t matter if we’re at the start of the Australian summer, the weather can be so unpredictable. Try to pack at least three cases. One for light weight summer type clothing, one for the heavier stuff, so jeans, jackets and the like. Then one for shoes, towels and necessities. It might seem a lot now, but as you’re on the road, you realise how quick you go through things.” Ashton added on and she let out a soft ‘oh’.

“This is going to seem like a lot to begin with,” Alex started, catching her attention, “but in comparison, this is a small start to the list. You’ll most likely come home with another two suitcases, which management will probably pay for so don’t fret about having to buy one on the road. You will literally be packing up the majority of your life and putting it in a suitcase to travel with you. And that’s going to be tough to do, especially with your girl waiting at home for you.”

She could feel her heart sink a little bit. Nine months away from Allie.

“I think that’s gonna be the hardest part. How do you deal with that?” Her eyes drifted to John and Alex, and the boys didn’t take offence to the slight snub.

“It takes time and patience. There are going to be days where all you’ll get are a quick five minute call because of time difference. And it’s shit. But she can always fly out for a few days on tour, or whilst we’re over in England she can come to the shows and travel with us. It’s about compromising your time. You both have super important jobs and it just means you’ve gotta work at it.” John explained and she ran her fingers through the ends of her hair, tugging slightly.

“I’m just worried. It’ll be the longest we’ve been apart.”

“It’s tough. But she’ll stand by you. But you’ve both got to talk it out, so any frustrations. Because when that builds up, that leads to arguments and then that’s when problems start happening.” Alex chimed in and she let off a soft sigh.

“Okay, so I’m guessing that’s basics of tour, what about time off?”

—

When Y/N landed back home, she’d never felt more relief flood her than the moment her arms were wrapped around Allie tightly, her lips against hers as she savoured the sweet moment of reunion.

“Hi baby.” Her voice was soft and sweet, and she felt her insides turn to mush.

“Hi. I’ve missed you.” Allie beamed, pressing another soft kiss to her girlfriend’s lips.

“Good. Your mum has already asked us to drop by for dinner tonight, so they can badger you about your time in LA. And I know you’ll be wide awake because of the time difference.” Allie teased her as they began the walk back to the car.

“Honestly, I could go on for days about how good LA was to me. Like, little old me, meeting all of the fuckin’ big wigs in the industry. I had Michael god-damn Clifford producing my EP and I formed a friendship with him? My teenage self combusted the second he shook my hand.” Allie laughed as they got her stuff into the boot of the car before they got into the car themselves.

The car journey back home from the airport was filled with Y/N prying information about their various friends whilst she’d been away as well as the promotion Allie had landed and the perks of the job.

Amidst getting the masses of washing done, and reconnecting after a month apart, it was as they lay in bed together, Allie’s finger tracing against the skin of her back that made her feel like it was a bittersweet moment.

But she couldn’t say anything just yet.

When the two had reached her mum’s place, questions came from every corner of the room it felt like, but it was when she laughed and held up her hands, she beamed at them.

“Let me tell you everything that happened. And then I have some news.”

She tried not to feel guilty at the stare that Allie gave her, recounting each moment of good, bad and downright embarrassing.

Y/N’s mum was particularly gleeful as she told them about the bigger names she’d met over there.

“My baby, all grown up with the best chance possible for her career!” This made her flush. Her mum had been one of her biggest supporters for her career choice and she could see the relief in her mum's face as she went on about the recording opportunity.

“The last day was kind of bittersweet in the studio, but the boys were so nice and even had a get together to celebrate the fact the songs were done. Michael had even fast tracked the productions of one of my very first songs.”

And she pulled her phone out, clicking play on the file that Michael had sent her a few days ago after playing it for her.

Watching the joy on her mum’s face warmed her heart, even if a few tears were shed in the process. Allie’s jaw was hanging slightly before a wide smile overtook her lips and she pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“I’m so damn proud of you.”

“That brings me to the surprise.” She murmured softly, her eyes travelling to each family member before settling on Allie.

“They want me to join them on their tour.”

“For the UK portion? Oh my god that’s amazing!” Her mum was gushing but Y/N shook her head.

“They want me on their entire tour. Around the world twice.”

No one was prepared for the scream of excitement that escaped her mum before she found herself being wrapped around by her family members. Her eyes were watching as it hit Allie and she could see the excitement die down in her girlfriends face, and she felt her heart sink.

“That’s nine months.” Allie whispered and she nodded her head, pulling free from her mum’s embrace.

“It’s going to be tough, but the guys have offered ways for us to still keep in touch. You can always fly out for long weekends and of course, we have the UK tour later in the year as well.”

“That’s going to be three quarters of the year, Y/N. It’s a lot.”

“Please, can we talk about it at home? They’ve given us options, ways to keep up with each other.” Her pleas seem to break through and Allie’s lips pushed up into a smile as she draped an arm over her shoulders.

“I’m still proud of you baby.” She whispered, pressing a kiss to her temple and she relaxed.

“I love you.” Came the murmured response and they shared a soft, but sweet kiss before her mum started asking about the details of the tour.

—

When the New Year rolled in, the first single was released to the world and her voice was on chart shows across the world.

It took seven solid minutes for her to stop crying when the notifications came through along with the messages.

Michael had taken a short video of her song playing in the car and she felt like she couldn’t breathe for a moment because it was her song, a song she had hated so much but then fell in love with all over again. And it was being requested and played on American radios.

Allie was proud as punch.

They seemed to avoid the elephant in the room that was her leaving for tour in just over a month  and a half.

That was when she really began rehearsing, making sure the setlist was long enough for her time slot. It felt like the busiest days of her life, being shuttled to the big cities for radio interviews.

Her face seemed to be popping up everywhere and it felt like a dream when she received the news that she’d hit number one in thirteen countries.

That in itself had made her openly weep in the middle of her baking day with her mum as she got the news, her mum videoing and laughing at her reaction.

She posted it to her instagram with the caption ‘the moment you’re told that you’ve hit number one in thirteen countries and all you can do is cry in shock and joy.’ The reaction went viral.

Of course she then received the texts from the last producer, asking why he wasn’t getting a cut of the money from the track.

It was with great glee as she told him that it wasn’t his pile of shit on the radio. It was her song and no one else’s. She didn’t need to tell him that one of her favourite bands had helped record and produce the song.

When she received the pick up day for her equipment, that was when it was becoming very real. That was also when she convinced Allie to go clothes shopping with her for tour.

With the day creeping closer, she could feel the undercurrent that was restless between her and her girlfriend, but every time she tried to address it, Allie shut her down, seemingly ignoring the problem.

She spent as much of her free time with her friends, family and girlfriend until it was the night before and she was lay in bed, trembling from the fear of what the next nine months could bring.

A warm arm wrapped around her waist, a soft kiss being pressed against the back of her neck and she slowly relaxed herself. It would be fine.

“You’ve got this, baby. But you need some rest.” The soft whisper was enough of a plea for her to turn around and just allow herself to be held as she tried to relax enough so that she could get some sleep.

It didn’t work.

Saying goodbye this time was much more harder because Allie hadn’t been able to get the day off work to see her off. So it was a tearful goodbye between the two of them as they held each other in the doorway, Allie’s lips lingering a little bit longer before finally pulling away and smiling softly, despite her tears.

“You’ll be back over here soon enough. I love you my little rockstar. Go do what you’re best at.” By the time that Allie had left, she had to call her mum to pick her up.

Thankfully, her mum didn’t make any remarks on the tear tracks as they made their way to the airport. And once they’d checked in her bags, a weird sense of deja vu hit.

“Last time we stood here, I was going for a month. Now I’m going for nine.” She whispered and her mum held her tightly.

“You’re about to fly off and live your dream. I’m beyond proud of you for this, please don’t ever think otherwise. Now, you need to get going. You are not going to be leaving things last minute like last time.”

She laughed for the first time that day and it felt like a weight disappeared from her shoulders and she knew she’d be okay.

The flight wasn’t so bad.

She had a reasonable seat, and for the most of it, she slept. She knew she would probably regret it later, but at that point, she was beyond caring. She was so tired and the stress was sat on her shoulders.

She knew her equipment had arrived, she’d been sent the message from one of the tour crew who was already out there.

The next two weeks would be rehearsal with her touring band and then they were off on the first leg of the tour.

And that absolutely frightened her beyond belief.

She wasn’t expecting a welcome party at the airport, but she was amazed that fans were crowded around, calling her name out.

Security were quick to pull her back away from the chaos of arrivals and she could feel her adrenaline kicking in, her heart racing as she tried to comprehend that they were screaming her name. Hers.

“Ma’am we need to get you out of the airport as safely as possible. Do you have a ride waiting for you already?” She felt like a deer in headlights before the security officer lifted a hand, touching the earpiece sat in his ear.

“One of my colleagues has picked someone up who apparently says he’s partially to blame for the fans showing up. A Luke Hemmings?” Relief

“Yeah, I’m due to go on tour with his band in a couple of weeks, but I wasn’t expecting him to be here.” The guard laughed.

“It’s fine, but we need to get you both out safely. My colleague is bringing him through now.” And that was when she saw the blonde curls and laughed before throwing her arms around Luke’s tall frame.

He laughed as he pulled her into a tight hug.

“Figured you’d appreciate a familiar face. A lot of them were waiting for you, then I only added to the madness. You gonna be alright till we get out of here?”

“Gonna have to be. Can I use you a shield?” He laughed.

“Keep your hands on my shoulders and we’ll get you through. Is someone going to follow with her luggage?” The question was directed to the guard who nodded his head.

“C’mon then princess, time to face the fans and get you out of here. We’ve all been super excited to have you back.” He beamed as they began their journey.

The screams grew louder and she found herself shying away, using Luke as a shield and smiling nervously at the few fans she could see.

Once they were out of the airport and in the car, Luke took one of her trembling hands and squeezed.

“You did the worst of it. There’ll be more of us around in a couple of weeks to keep them from getting too overwhelming.” He explained and she simply nodded.

“It’s okay, it was just, wow. That’s a lot.”

“That’s America for you.” He shot back dryly, making her laugh.

“So what hotel have they stuck you in this time?”

“Uh, I don’t know. They never sent any details about that. I’m trying not to freak out about it, but like, I haven’t got that much to cover two and a bit weeks in a hotel.” Luke groaned.

“Did you call your manager?”

“Said it was being sorted. Heard nothing since.” Luke snorted before tapping away at his phone and the music died down as the ringing began to call through.

“Hemmings, you have two weeks before you need to start incessantly calling me.” A feminine voice broke through and he laughed.

“Hello to you too Luce. However I’m not calling for me. I’ve just picked up Y/N.”

“Hi Lucy.” She piped up.

“Y/N! Keely has been trying to call you, said something about Michael stepping in and saying that he could put you up for the two weeks.” She shot Luke a look and he shrugged.

“That’s cool. He say why or am I gonna have to try and find that out for myself?” She laughed.

“Said something about one of the songs for the album and it’s easier to work at his home studio and you won’t have to worry about driving around LA.”

“Cool. Thank you for letting me know. Tell Keely I say that I’m sorry I haven’t been able to answer my phone and I’ll see her next week.”

“Will do. See you next week Luke.” The call cut and he laughed as the music began to grown in volume once more.

“So, album huh?” At this he watched as her lips turned up into the widest grin.

“Alex, John and Michael helped me pick out a tracklist for a potential album. I’ve not had much time, but if we get some demos done, I can go to the record company and they’ll be able to work with the fact that I have got music coming, so they don’t need to breathe down my neck. Alex’s idea.” Luke laughed as he pulled into a drive thru.

“Why am I not surprised. What do you want? You’ve just landed, you’ve gotta be starving.”

After picking her favourites, Luke paid at her protest and smirked.

“It’s food. Shut up and deal with the fact that we do look after our friends. Also if it bugs you that much, you can just buy me dinner whilst we’re on the road.”

“A not date, considering we’re both taken then?” She teased in returned and he grinned.

“A not-date it is. Now we know where we’re going, let's get you to Michael’s to drop your gear off. I know the guys are wanting to head out but I also know that if you’re going to try and keep up,  you’re going to want to be in something that isn’t joggers and a baggy t shirt.” She pouted at the assessment.

“I won’t try to keep up, but no, I really do not need my first official night out to be photographed and I’m in my rattiest clothing pieces.” Luke snorted as they collected their food and headed back out once more.

As they pulled into Michael’s place, Luke helped her get her cases from the boot before he was leading her into the home.

“I’ve picked up a stray!” Luke yelled, making her laugh. “She’s cute and British.” He added after a second once they’d placed her bags at the bottom of the steps.

He placed his hands on her shoulder and practically frog marched her out to the back and she didn’t even get to say ‘hi’ when she was pulled into a tight hug.

“Hi Ash.” She laughed as she wrapped her arms around him in return.

“Hey yourself Y/N. Welcome back to LA, knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away.” He teased, pulling away and giving her a grin. She smirked in return.

“Just couldn’t stay away from this beautiful weather. Maybe one or two people. Go by the names of Gaskarth and Feldmann.” Calum snorted as he pulled her into another tight hug.

“I’m wounded, I didn’t even make it onto your list?” He pouted at her and she snorted.

“No, but Duke did.” This set the other boys off before Michael greeted her, his hug a lot more softer than the others, but still feeling as welcoming.

“I know I should’ve told you before you left England that you were staying with me, but I’d completely forgotten till Keely called me, yelling that she couldn’t get ahold of you. By that point, you were already well into the air.” She shook her head as she accepted a beer off Calum and sat down with them, enjoying the warmth of the LA afternoon.

“It’s fine. I’m just lucky that I’d texted Luke when I left. He decided to be my welcome committee.”

“Myself and like a hundred and more fans.” He shot back with a grin.

“That was strange. Especially when they were calling my name, like that felt so surreal. I didn’t really know what to do with myself.” They descended into laughter as she finished off the food that she and Luke had picked up on the way there.

The boys were discussing the various countries and Y/N could feel herself nodding off against Calum’s shoulder, the beer and warmth not helping her jet lag at all.

“C’mon Y/N. You need to get ready if we want to be out at a reasonable time.” Luke teased and she flipped him off before sighing.

“One of you boys want to help me get the cases upstairs?” Calum pushed himself off the seat and followed after her, picking up the heaviest of the three.

“You excited?”

“Scared.” She admitted quietly as they reached the guest room that Michael had directed her to.

“Why?” Once the cases were pushed against the wall Calum pulled her to the edge of the bed, taking a seat and pulling her next to him. She didn’t fight it, her entire body still feeling exhausted.

“This is the biggest tour of my life. Probably will be the biggest tour of my entire career. Allie wouldn’t even talk to me about the fact I was leaving, and I feel so overwhelmed.” After the quiet admittance came relief that she’d gotten it off her chest.

“It’s going to terrify the fuck out of you. Playing to so many people. When you’re ready to leave tonight, just give me a heads up and we’ll go. This is a lot to deal with on your first night out in LA with us.” She snorted out a giggle, resting her head on Calum’s shoulder.

“My life is an open book for people to read. I never knew it could be this terrifying to have so many people judge you.”

“It gets easier. I’ll let you get changed and then we’ll head out.”

It took a while before she felt like she’d picked an appropriate dress. And the whistles of appreciation she received made her bashful before laughing.

“It’s a good job I’m taken. Someone snap a photo for me please.” She held her phone out, Ashton taking it off her hands and capturing a few photos.

She sent them to Allie.

‘I know it’s late for you my love, but I hope I picked something you’d like for a nightclub in LA. Speak to you tomorrow.’

They split between two ubers, Ashton and Michael piling with Y/N in one, Calum and Luke taking the other as they made their way to the club.

Unsurprisingly, they could spot the paps easily.

“Can you drop us just around that corner mate?” Ashton called over and the driver nodded. Michael shot off a text to Luke and she could feel her hands begin to tremble.

“Holy shit this is a lot.” She murmured as they left the car, keeping out of sight from the paps.

“It’s going to be a lot. Keep your eyes forward and smile, try not to hide too much, they’ll try to make up some bullshit to start rumours.” Ashton explained quietly, rubbing the top of her shoulders carefully.

When Luke and Calum arrived they finally made a decision on how to go in.

“I’ll keep ahead, Y/N, don’t fall behind because they will swarm you. You’re the freshest face in the music charts and they’re going to eat this up that you’re out clubbing with us.” It was a relief that Ashton was taking charge, but her hands still trembled as she nodded in understanding.

“No falling behind. Cool. I’m going to hide behind Cal and Luke then.” Michael laughed

“C’mon, it won’t be too bad.”

As they made their way the short distance to the club, paps calling out their names and snapping photos, she could feel herself plaster a smile on for the photos, but there was another brief thought of how rude they were being.

“Who would you date from the boys of 5SOS?”

“Are you sleeping with any of them?”

“How did you get on this tour when practically no one’s heard of you?”

By the time she was in the club with them, she wanted to go back home. But she’d promised she’d stay out for a few hours and that was what she was going to do.

When the first round of drinks came in, she didn’t argue them buying her drinks. She knew this was their way of welcoming her back into their lives properly, especially since they were about to embark on a nine month tour that went across the world twice.

She danced and sang her heart out, laughing when Ashton stumbled over his own feet and Calum had caught it all on camera, laughing as he did so.

It was when the time crept towards midnight, despite the loud music, she had her head resting against Calum’s shoulder and her eyes were half shut.

“You ready to go, doll?” She nodded her head, the exhaustion hitting her like a freight train as Calum helped her stand up and she lost her balance almost immediately, her saving grace being that Michael was stood up and caught her before she hit the floor.

“How much have you had to drink?” He called over the music, she shrugged.

“Four, maybe five? Mostly tired.” She half shouted back and he grimaced before looking over to Calum.

“Got it mate. Uber is on its way. Do you want some help?” Michael shook his head as he pulled her arm over his shoulders, tugging her to the smokers area which was more secluded and less noise.

“We need to get back through the paps, but I need you to try and stay upright and walk by yourself. Can you do that?”

Calum looked at her, his eyes watching the way as she seemed to draw in some strength from somewhere as her back straightened up and she plastered on a big, but clearly tired smile.

“Lead the way. I’m ready to crash.”

Getting through the paps was easy, even if more questions were being yelled at them both.

But the second the uber was peeling away from the frenzy they left Calum to deal with, her head was resting on Michael’s shoulder before a soft snore escaped and he laughed quietly.

Unable to help himself, he snapped a selfie of the two of them.

When the Uber pulled up to his place, it took a few tries before he managed to pick her up carefully, her head nestled against his neck as he fumbled with the key and got them in.

It took him a further twenty minutes to get her up the stairs and set her down on her bed before finally trying to wake her up.

She wasn’t amused.

“Look, all I want is to make sure you get a reasonable amount of sleep tonight, and you sleeping in that dress wasn’t going to happen. You don’t need to do anything apart from get changed, that’s it.” He pleaded with her exhausted form.

“Fine.” Came the muttered response as she kicked her shoes off, standing up slowly and Michael disappeared to his own room to get changed himself.

When he returned to check up on her, he found his lips pulling back at the sight before him. She was passed out, half under the covers, hair splayed all over her pillow and a soft snore escaping once more .

He switched the light off before heading to his own bed, draining a glass of water before crashing out on his own bed, a sigh of relief escaping him as he melted into mattress.

When she woke up the next morning, a raging headache and exhaustion to boot, she tried not to think about how her stomach was rolling in ways that was sure to make her throw her guts up if she moved.

Michael had other plans apparently.

“C’mon sunshine. We’ve got breakfast and then we’re lounging in the sun whilst talking music. I’m not gonna make you work too hard after last night.” He’d stuck his head around the door and she groaned in return.

“I would call you the worst, but I feel like I drank too much last night.” She grumbled before pulling herself from her covers.

She made it two steps before she had to pause, the nausea hitting her hard and Michael snickered.

“I’ll be downstairs. The shower is easy to work, even in your state.” She flipped him off with her eyes shut, making him laugh as he disappeared downstairs.

It took her another five minutes to move again, and despite the way her stomach was rolling inside of her, the hot water did wonders for the headache that had formed.

Once she was changed into a clean shirt that didn’t reek of booze and some sleep shorts, the warm sunshine making it an easy choice for her, she headed downstairs.

“Looking worse for wear today then, Y/N.” A familiar voice greeted and she flipped Alex off before heading into the kitchen to find a plate of cooked food waiting or her. Grabbing a glass and filing it with water before picking up the plate, she followed the voices back into the living room.

“We not sitting outside?”

“I figured to give your eyes a bit of a break.” Michael smirked and she rolled them in response.

“Any glaring articles about the state I was in last night?” Alex grimaced.

“A couple. Of course there was the standard one about you possibly sleeping with Michael or Calum. They then corrected themselves when someone pointed out you were in a relationship with a woman.” This made her groan before she slumped over on the cushions.

“This is gonna be my life now, isn’t it?”

“Price you pay for dreams.” Alex teased and she groaned.

“Please, never quote your own song back at me. Ever.” Both he and Michael laughed before Michal pulled out his phone, clicking play on the audio file he pulled up.

The riff that came through his phone sounded good to her ears as she slowly ate her breakfast, mulling over the various songs that would possibly work with the tempo of the tune.

“I got this down the other day when we’d discussed the last few songs of the potential tracklist. I don’t think it’d work well on most of the songs, but the last two have potential for it, what do you think?”

She mulled it over as he played it again, her mind bringing up the familiar lyrics, humming them along softly.

“The last one would definitely work. Upbeat sound to maudlin lyrics.”

“Considering that’s your style. You do remember that you’ve got an EP being released in like, two days, right?” Alex prompted and it made her pause before she swore.

“I’d actually forgotten. Fuck.” This made all of them laugh as she slumped down onto the couch, throwing her arms over her face.

“I hate you all. At least they’re not making me do any promo before tour.” She muttered and Michael laughed.

“No, that’s gonna happen on the first round of the world tour. And then again on the second leg, but with us promoting as well.”

“Fuck.” She whined softly.

“C’mon, you’re finally getting music out and people will be able to sing along!” Alex encouraged her and she let out a deep breath of air before nodding her head.

“That is true. Plus it means the fans will be able to sing the lyrics if they actually like my music.”

“Number one, just watch.” Michael smirked and she rolled her eyes as they returned the the songs in front of them.

—

Meeting her touring band was nerve wrecking. It was the first official rehearsal with her apart of the group.

She greeted her guitarist, Ellie with a relieved smile when she practically pulled her into the room and introduced her to the other two.

Sat behind the drums, tightening the snare up, was Rich who gave her a soft smile as he shook her hand warmly.

Tuning the bass up was Cara, her own lips twisted into a brief smile before she returned her attention to the instrument in her hands.

“When they told us we’d be doing a nine month tour for a new artist, we were slightly skeptical. But knowing that it’s you, and the tour we’re going on, it’s actually really exciting.”

“Christ Ellie, let the girl actually set up. The record company sent through the transcripts of the songs, so we’ve been rehearsing them for the last two weeks. We’re hoping that now you’re here and settled, we can get the full sound of them.” Rich broke in and she nodded, a bright grin crossing her lips.

“There’s only one song on the setlist that I don’t need you guys for, so it’ll give you a chance to get a drink and stuff whilst we’re up on stage. Are we doing a few songs each day or trying to get as many as possible in the next two weeks?

Cara laughed.

“We’re looking to get the songs right so we’re going over two different songs every day this week, then next week it’ll be run throughs of the setlist. Don’t fret rockstar, we’re here to help you.” Cara’s words made her cheeks grow warm as she laughed.

“Thanks. It’s just-”

“Surreal? Yeah, we guessed it would be. That’s why we’re trying to make this as smooth as possible.” Ellie cut in and she could only feel a flood of relief as they began to go over the songs.

The next day, her own rehearsing went to a grinding halt as she remembered that the EP had been released and she’d forgotten about it in the rush of the rehearsals.

So instead of rehearsing, they played the EP through the speakers and she could feel her heart in her chest as each song came to life in the small rehearsal space.

What she didn’t expect was for the space to get gatecrashed by Michael and Alex.

“You’re climbing the charts!” He’d thrust his phone in her face and she watched, breathless as her EP climbed up the chart with each refresh and she could feel tears in her eyes.

“Holy shit, this is actually real. Fuck, these are my touring bandmates.” She felt the embarrassment rise as she introduced Ellie, Rich and Cara to Michael and Alex.

“I think we’re not going to get anything done. We might as well call it quits today and celebrate the release.” Rich laughed and Y/N groaned.

“C’mon, we’ve gotta celebrate this!” Alex whined and she shot him an unimpressed look in return.

“You just want an excuse to daytime drink.” She shot back and he grinned back unapologetically.

“Of course.”

It felt surreal as they packed up the equipment and hustled her out of the rehearsal space and into the passenger seat of Michael’s car. When she looked around to see where the others were, she spotted Alex talking to the other three as Michael got in on the drivers side.

Alex slid in the back moments later and then the car was off and away from the studio space.

“What are you two up to?”

“Nothing.” Came from both of them, sounding ar too innocent for the grins they were both wearing. But she didn’t argue with them as they seemed to go on a long detour. She was familiar with the route to all of their places, but as Michael turned down another street, it took her a solid moment to realise that they were rapidly approaching Ashton’s house.

As they got out of the car, she shrieked in surprise as a pair of hands covered her eyes.

“Sorry, but it’s a surprise.” Came Alex’s voice and she groaned as a pair of softer hands took hold of hers and began to guide her.

“You two are so dead.” She grumbled as she stumbled up one of the steps.

“There’s a step there Y/N.” The grin in Alex’s voice was clear.

“So so dead.”

She could hear the door open and it felt too quiet as they went a few steps further in and when Alex ripped his hands away from her eyes, she jumped.

“Surprise!” Collective yells made her heart freeze for a second before she took in the decoration.

‘Congrats on the EP release!’

And the various faces of her friends and the people she’d worked with. And the new faces of Ellie, Cara and Rich, all three wearing smug grins.

Ashton was stood off to the side slightly, his smile seemingly widest of them all.

“You assholes, oh my god.” She turned to hug Michael and Alex, making them both laugh. They returned the hugs and the sounds of her EP began filtering through the speakers, her entire body feeling like it was buzzing as she went around and began to greet the various people.

It felt semi-professional, but most of the people here were people who she’d befriended, apart from the few management executives who had congratulated her on the release.

It was later on in the afternoon, most people still hanging about, the party having spilled out to the garden to enjoy the sunshine when John came sauntering in with the laptop, a smug grin on his face.

She didn’t realise that Ashton was recording as John sat next to her.

“Take a look.” Was all he said turning the laptop to show her the screen.

Her heart and stomach dropped as she scanned the screen, feeling the overwhelming sensation bubble up as her hand went to her lips, covering her mouth.

“No fucking way!” Her voice went up an octave and John laughed.

“Number one in twenty six countries.” She was off her seat, practically bouncing.

“That’s double of what the single made!” This time she really was jumping around, her excited squeals drawing in the attention from the various people as she pulled both Michael and Alex up from their seats.

“Number fucking one in twenty six fucking countries!” This time laughter rippled at her reaction and she hugged them both tightly. “You’ve literally made my dreams come true, holy shit.”

“I told you Y/N. I spoke it into existence.” Michael shot back in a smug tone and she shoved his shoulder before she was dancing around once more, unable to help herself before throwing herself back into the seat next to John, her eyes taking in the figures once more.

“I got number one back home. Oh my god.” This time the tears were falling and John chuckled, pulling her into his side.

“You did that, kiddo. People are absolutely loving your music. If we’re not careful, you’ll be on your own world tour before long.” This made her laugh.

“Let me get through this one first!

---

The aftermath of the EP release was insane to her. She was getting more recognised on each trip out and her families reactions were beyond her wildest imaginations.

With the help of social media, she heard the clip of her mum being called by Radio 1, the host asking her about how she felt about it all.

“At first I was skeptical. My little girl off to LA by herself. But I’ve always supported her perusal of music and seeing how much it’s paid off, oh god I could cry again.” She’d felt her heart utterly melt at that.

“So you must be very proud of Y/N right now?” The host prompted and her mums laugh filtered through her ears.

“Proud as punch. My baby girl is dominating the charts and even the ladies at work are listening to her music, even when they all told me it’d be a waste of time. I felt rather smug telling them that the song they were listening to was hers.” This made the host laugh, herself included.

“Well, you keep having your proud mama moment. We’re playing your girls song right now. Here is Y/N’s latest single.”

It was a dream come true.

She’d facetimed her family back home and her heart burst when she saw Allie with them, dancing and singing along loudly as the album blasted in the background. She knew she was so so lucky to have their support and seeing that warmed her heart.

It kept her going through the rehearsals as they got through each song.

As the last day got closer and the last of their equipment was shipped out, she found herself very relieved that she had people who knew the tour life like the backs of their hands.

They’d toured together before, so they knew each other well enough, so getting to know them and their habits was going to take time for Y/N, but she settled in nicely into the group.

Her calls to Allie had been sparse and often it was Allie calling her when she woke up for work just as she was finishing up in the rehearsals.

“Do you even leave that space?” She’d teased during the first week of rehearsals.

“Till we get this right, no.” Came the sarcastic response followed by laughter.

She was understanding to the fact that she was so busy that her days meant there wasn’t much time to really call, but they continued to text daily, photos being sent to each other of what they were doing.

She was often seeing something that reminded her of Allie and sending it to her.

When it came to tour day she sent one text to Allie, despite the fact that she knew she was in a meeting.

‘Hope this doesn’t disturb your meeting, but then again you’re smart and remember to put your phone on silent. Anyway, we’ve got flights ahead of us today with some layovers so I won’t be able to text much or call you today, but I hope you have a good day and I love you.’

Michael had hustled her out of his house once they’d gotten all of their cases piled into the hired van. The other three were already in, those two being the last to get picked up. Ellie, Rich and Cara had promised to meet them at the airport.

It was early, so there weren’t many fans at the airport. There were paps, waiting for them to arrive, but that was the only commotion they had to deal with.

They met up with the other three and slowly got their stuff checked in. Whilst they were waiting, Calum had slung his arm across her shoulders as her phone went off, her lips pulling up into a big grin at the message.

‘Meeting was a bust. Could’ve had my phone and they wouldn’t have noticed. Idiots. Anyway, tell those boys to look after you, I know you’re not good on long haul flights. Have a safe journey and tell me all about it when you’ve landed and settled. Love you too, my little rockstar.’

“You can tell her we’ve got your back.” Cal murmured and she laughed, jabbing her elbow into his side playfully.

“I’ll tell her you were reading over my shoulder as well as that.” She shot back in return. He simply grinned as she tapped away at her phone before her name was called.

Once they were past security and on the plane, that was when the nerves began to set in and Calum chuckled from his spot next to her.

“I can see what Allie meant about you not doing well on long haul flights.” He teased her playfully and she scowled in return.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up. You’re the one sat next to me for the entire trip.”

Luke snorted from behind them.

One layover and a nap on Calum’s shoulder later, they were in Stockholm and fans were waiting for them at the airport. It was easy to navigate and once they were all piled in vans to take them to the first venue, it began to feel very real, especially with the cold weather biting into her skin, making her shrug her jacket closer.

“Told you to wear warmer clothes, Y/N.” Ashton teased as the van peeled away from the airport.

“I’ve got two jackets on and I’m still cold. Shut up.” Came the snarky reply, making the others laugh.

The journey to the hotel was long, but the van warmed up eventually and before they knew it, they’d arrived. With the cold air, it became a competition between the eight of them to get in from the cold quick enough.

It was late in the day and despite having slept on the plane, they got into their various rooms and despite the plan to head out for food, Y/N crashed out after sending a quick text to Allie.

The next morning was busy.

There were interviews scheduled for various members of the band as well as Y/N.

By the time that it got to showtime, it was a bubble of excitement that seemed to explode in jittery nerves and Ashton laughed when he stopped by her dressing room.

“C’mon you lot, you’ve got stage in half an hour.” Ashton wrapped his arm around her shoulders and the others grabbed the last few bits they needed.

“First show of tour is always stressful, but you’ve got this. Now let's go bug the rest of them. I’m pretty sure your pre-show jitters will irritate Calum or Michael. I want to make a bet on who it irritates first.”

The rest of the band laughed as they followed after the two.

It was Calum who they managed to annoy first, his body laying across her legs to stop them from bouncing up and down.

“You’re making me feel nervous and I haven’t felt nervous in years.” He grumbled as the rest of them laughed.

It settled the nerves for her as they distracted her with talk of the various interviews that were going to be coming up.

Eventually they were called to stage and the boys followed behind, watching side stage as she stepped onto the stage and the crowd began to scream.

“Lets go Stockholm!”

The adrenaline rush felt incredible as she sang and danced her way through the set, her amazement at the crowd screaming the lyrics back to her.

“You all sound so god damn beautiful. My name is Y/N and I’ll see you all next time!”

As they finished the final song and left the stage, they were all greeted with yells of excitement and hugs from the boys as they congratulated them.

“You’ve really got them going! Tonight is going to be fucking fun.” Michael was beaming at her and she grinned in response.

“I can’t fucking wait for the rest of the tour. Listen, you go get ready, I need to help pack up and I’ll be watching side stage, I promise!” He pulled her in for one more hug before he followed after the boys to get ready and she headed back onto the stage, helping the team pack away her set.

Fans screamed her name and she waved to them as she did the last few jobs, making sure that her equipment was packed and secure before throwing the setlists into the crowd and disappearing with another wave.

She felt more alive than she’d done in months and as she watched 5 Seconds of Summer take the stage for the first night of the tour, she understood how they’d managed for so long.

—

Having Allie join them for the Paris and London dates of the first part of the tour felt wonderful.

She got to introduce her to every one and spending the night with her in Paris after the show was practically a dream.

They shared soft kisses in front of the Eiffel tower, Andy catching the sweet moment between the two and it was later on the bus, wrapped around Allie as it made the journey under the chanel did they finally talk quietly, aware that Ellie, Rich and Cara were all asleep.

“It feels so nice to actually spend some time with you.” She hummed softly and Allie smiled, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I know. The next few months are going to be long though.” She could see that saying those words pained her, but Y/N pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder.

“They are. But this is going to be worth it for both of us, I promise.”

“Oh don’t I know it, number one in twenty six different countries.” Allie hummed in return, laughing as she ducked her face away in embarrassment.

“Are you leaving straight after the show tomorrow?” The shy question made Allie pause, her eyes searching her girlfriends face at the question before shaking her head.

“No. You have me tomorrow night too.”

“Good.” Allie chuckled softly.

“Get some rest, you’ve got interviews tomorrow and you need to look your best.” Allie hummed softly, her fingers tracing down the her spine. The yawn that escaped Y/N’s mouth made Allie grin as she settled down.

“Fine. Love you.” It wasn’t much later till she’d fallen asleep and a sigh escaped from Allie.

“Love you too.”

London was busy from the minute they got off the bus. Allie travelled with her to the radio stations in London that she had interviews with and they spent a night in the hotel before she caught the early train back home and Y/N was on a flight back to America, her heart feeling the heaviness of leaving her once more.

“It’ll get easier, I promise.” Luke nudged her shoulder and she gave him a relieved smile as the plane took off.

She wanted to believe Luke’s words, but part of her was worried and stressed over how long she’d be gone. It was going to be the longest without seeing Allie and it frightened her to an extent.

But she knew that she could trust that with the help of technology, speaking to her and facetiming her would make it more bearable at least so it wasn’t just her counting down the days till she was home once more.

The next few days were busy and long. Interviews in each new city before playing a show and then straight on the bus to the next place.

When they arrived in New York, Michael pulled her out of her funk.

“C’mon. You’re coming with us to the interview and then we are going to ditch those three loser and spend the day in New York City.” She barely had time to grab a coat and her backpack as he pulled her from the bus.

She shot off a quick text to Cara.

‘Apparently I’ve been kidnapped by a crazy person named Michael. Should be back to get a decent amount of sleep tonight, don’t worry if i’m not. Enjoy NYC.’

It was whilst she was sat in the car with the boys that she got a text back.

‘Have fun and if u don’t visit the statue i will be very disappointed in ur lack of tourist excitement’

It was fun to watch them get interviewed, and even though the interviewer had pointed her out, in an attempt to coax her into answering a few questions, she smiled and shook her head.

By the time the group were done with the interviews, Michael all but dragged her from the building and they got into a separate car and it felt good to have the distraction as they finally exited the car and began to wander the streets of New York together.

“Part of me feels like I need to be singing ‘Welcome to New York’ or maybe even ‘New York, New York’. And I’m not sure people will really enjoy my awful Frank Sinatra impression.” Michael laughed as they ventured through the various stores that lined the streets.

“I’m almost certain if you did a cover of New York, New York, it would still be amazing. And knowing you, you’d put your own spin on it and people would be falling in love with you left, right and centre.” The playful tease made her giggle as they found themselves in a thrift store, holding up the various items of clothing against each other to see if it would suit the other.

It certainly made the hole in her heart feel easier to deal with as she giggled at the silly hats they put on with the outrageous jackets that they found.

A few finds that were good, they purchased and eventually after raiding almost every rack, they left the store and her mood was swinging up as they continued their exploration of New York City.

It wasn’t difficult to visit the Statue of Liberty. There were a few fans about who were polite enough to the both of them and as they continued throughout the day, meeting fans here and there before heading back to the busses, when she checked her phone, she saw a text from Allie waiting for her.

‘Just saw a photo of you in New York, hope you’re enjoying yourself love, I know I would be.’

‘Still missing you, love. But distraction makes it easier I guess. I hope you’re having a good day.’

When they reached a small pizzeria, the debated on a large slice or a whole pizza to take back.

“I say get a couple of pizzas. They’ll appreciate the food and less likely to be annoyed with the fact we ditched them all for the entire day.” She’d remarked casually and Michael nodded, relaying the order for the two pizzas to go.

When they returned to the busses, they were met with raised eyebrows until they both held up the pizza boxes.

‘Pizza party on the 5sos bus.’ She’d sent the text to her touring bandmates and within five minutes they were climbing onto their bus.

“We heard there was pizza?” Ellie called as they stepped on. Calum laughed before motioning to the two large pizzas sat between the five of them.

“Join in. Looks like it’s a party night tonight then.” This made them all laugh as they cracked out a game of Cards Against Humanity and Y/N very quickly realised that touring with all these wonderful people was certainly the best thing to help distract from a missing piece in her chest.

---

Halfway through the tour, she was excited because Allie was joining the tour for a couple of days. It annoyed her to no end that she couldn’t get more time off, but she’d take two days over nothing.

The only problem was that her flight landed whilst she was performing. Michael had offered to go and pick her up from the airport, but Allie had declined and so it left her frustrated and somewhat annoyed. But she’d get to see her girl.

The boys were half way through their set when she turned up with only a backpack over her shoulders and Y/N couldn’t help herself as she wrapped her arms around Allie, her lips meeting her girlfriends.

“Holy shit I’ve missed you.” She murmured and Allie hummed in response.

“Missed you too.”

They enjoyed the set together, Allie standing a bit further away than Y/N would’ve liked but she knew that Allie was never comfortable with things like this. The show ended and she pulled her backstage, giving the boys a chance to finish their encore as the two of them lounged quietly in the greenroom.

But this silence, whereas before it was always comfortable, she could notice that something had changed, but didn’t dare comment on it.

When the guys came in from the stage, they greeted Allie enthusiastically and talked about maybe going out for a late dinner followed by a few drinks. She was enthusiastic, Allie less so as she half -heartedly agreed to join.

The journey to the hotel was filled with scattered chatter, mostly the boys asking Allie about what she did and if this was the only time she’d get off.

Y/N should’ve realised when she didn’t outright answer, something was wrong.

Once they were in the hotel room, before she could do or say anything, Allie held her hands up.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Y/N’s entire body froze as she felt her heart crack.

“What---what do you mean?” Allie grimaced before sighing.

“I met someone else. It’s not fair on you to keep it up when I don’t love you anymore.” There was the shatter as she sucked in a deep breath.

“Get out.”

“Please, Y/N, I just didn’t want to lie to---”

“I said get out.” The last word rose an octave and the tears were burning in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” The door clicked shut and once it shut, she could feel her heart shatter with a resounding crash as tears fell and a sob broke through.

‘I’ve just seen Allie leaving, you okay?’ The text came through as she allowed herself to collapse on the bed, sobs tearing from her throat as she tried to focus on something other than the pain in her chest.

But she couldn’t. Nothing had given away that this was coming. They’d been together for nearly three years and this was what was left to show for it.

It took a while before she heard frantic knocking and for a second, she almost deluded herself into believing that Allie was coming back, that she was apologising, that she was joking.

But the second the door opened and she and saw Michael’s concerned face, reality hit her hard and she found herself being bundled into his arms as another sob tore from her.

He pulled her into the room, shutting the door tightly before sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Y/N, what happened?”

“She---she left---said---didn’t---love---found---someone---” She couldn’t get her words around her tears and sobs and Michael’s heart shattered for her.

“Lie down, let me text the boys to say that we’re not going out tonight.” She curled on her side almost immediately, her fingers pressing against her chest, almost wishing it would ease the pain she was in.

It didn’t.

Michael sent the text off to the boys, hoping they would understand that she couldn’t go out, not like this.

Thankfully, they were understanding and promised to come back with ice cream for her and something to eat later. Michael climbed in behind her, his arms wrapping around her as she turned and pressed her face against his chest, the sobs slowing down as his fingers ran through her hair slowly.

“It hurts so much.” She finally whispered. He could only hold her tighter in response.

“It’s going to. But it’ll get easier. They boys promised to bring you some food and ice cream. Do you think you’d be up for that?”

She wasn’t sure she could answer. Part of her wanted the company, part of her wanted to wallow in the heartbreak that her chest was feeling.

“Just, no rom-coms. Give me comedy, hell, give me Jeff Goldblum.” Michael snickered as she settled herself closer, trying to shove the pain away for just a moment. But no matter what, it sat there, along with her tears.

“I’m sure we can do that. We’ve got time before they get here. Let it out.”

And she cried.

---

The boys understandably had given her the time to cry, and on the next night of tour when she realised the song she had to play, she felt her stomach drop as she soundchecked it, fighting the tears as her voice grew thick with emotion.

“That was her song, huh?” Ashton commented quietly and she nodded. He pulled her into a tight hug.

“Try to perform it tonight. If you can’t get through it, we’ll help you pick another song.”

And so she tried.

But it was clear that she couldn’t, her voice wavering before the end and she pulled away from the mic as the crowd sang her words back to her, the pain becoming too much for a second as a few tears fell.

Once the song finished and she could stop playing for a second, she wiped her eyes, taking in a deep breath. Michael was stood side-stage, hidden as he gave her a supportive thumbs up, Ashton doing the same, both wearing encouraging smiles.

“Sorry for that guys, but it looks like you’ll be the last lot to hear that song for a while.” At the disappointed noises, she gave a tentative smile to them.

“Unfortunately, my heart got broken last night, and this song---it’s tough. Maybe one day I can sing it as an ode to you all, but today isn’t that day. On we march, however.” And the crowd understood.

They sang back to her, almost louder and when she finished her set, the pain in her chest was still there, but it wasn’t the sharp stabbing sensation. It was like an old wound had been reopened, or at least, that was what it felt like. She knew that it wouldn’t pass this easily, but she felt her heart lift with love for the fans that sang her songs back to her.

She watched the boys set from side stage like always and greeted them as they finished their encore.

Michael slung his arm across her shoulders as they headed back to the greenroom, chatting about everything and nothing as they each went to their phones.

She hadn’t had a chance to change Allie’s name in her phone yet, but seeing the name made her breath catch for just a second.

‘So you made it all about you. Of course. Good luck in any future you find, don’t contact me again.’

There was the blow she’d been waiting for, the knock out that literally took her breath away as she tried to gasp for air.

She hadn’t even registered that she was sat on the floor, being coaxed to follow someone’s instructions. Her mind couldn’t separate, but she understood the words, following the motions before the steel bands that had a vice grip on her chest loosened up to the point of being able to breathe with ease once more.

“Y/N, what happened?” Michael asked quietly.

“Look at my phone.” She whispered in return and there were muttered voices before a phone was passed to Michael and he read the notification.

She fought down the nausea and the lightheadedness, closing her eyes for a second as tears slipped out.

“What did I do wrong?” Their hearts broke for her then. They were barely three months into the nine month world tour.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. She knew what was going to happen whilst you were on tour. We all told her it was going to be tough on both of you. Either she didn’t listen or she didn’t care. But that’s not on you.”

She wanted to believe him, but the thoughts were there.

“C’mon. We’re going to help you re-do your entire setlist. Unlock your phone.” She did as she was told, her fingers hovering over the message icon.

Before she could do anything, Michael pulled her phone out of her hands, throwing it to Luke who was furthest away.

“Delete the message and number.” She watched in amazement as Luke did what was asked and showed the clear screen of her name.

“It’s a good job I actually get on with you guys.” She finally grumbled, making Michael smirk, pulling her from the floor.

“That’s why we did it. Means you can’t drunkenly text her or fool yourself. Now. Setlist.”

Y/N felt grateful that someone was taking charge and helping her. She wrapped an arm around Michael’s waist, squeezing it gently.

“Thanks Mikey.” She finally whispered and he gave her a soft smile in return.

“We have each other as a band to lean on. You have only yourself. It’s only fair that we help you through a really shitty time, especially when we’re not even halfway through the tour yet.”

The rest of the night, she stayed sober as they went out and danced, Michael having a few drinks but mostly keeping her company as she watched everyone else chatter away.

It was the start of a very long journey.

---

It wasn’t often that Y/N found herself scrolling through social media. Especially after the breakup, there were those that seemed to think that she needed to know about what Allie was doing.

She tried to ignore it most days, but it seemed that as she scrolled through the notifications, mindlessly replying to some fans on twitter, she felt her heart drop when she saw the tweet which included a photo of Allie with another woman.

She found herself studying the photo, her heart twisting as she realised it was a screenshot of her instagram.

Wiping the tears away when she realised that she’d been crying, she finally noticed the time and decided to head into the venue. There was still time before soundcheck, but part of her wanted to just play.

Grabbing her backpack, she pulled the hoodie tighter and stepped off the bus, immediately being greeted with excited yells and calls of her name.

Waving hesitantly to the few who had spotted her, she made her way over to the barriers, taking photos with the fans, pushing a smile on her face as she gave hugs and chatted about the tour.

“How are you doing on tour?”

“Doing good. My family love receiving postcards from the places we stop in. The guys think its hilarious that I do it, but it’s memories that they get to keep as well. My mum especially gets so excited each time I send her a postcard.” This earned laughter. She posted the videos that her dad sent to her of her mum reading the postcards she sent, the excitement tangible when she watches the videos.

“Do you miss home much?” Another fan asked as she posed for a selfie.

“I miss my family, yeah. England? Not really. I’m slowly finding my home in LA, it’s warm, I’ve made close friends with a lot of people and despite sticking out like a sore thumb, I feel more comfortable there than I ever did in England.”

“Is it because of Allie?” Her heart ached as she glanced at the watch on her wrist.

“Because of her I don’t miss home? No. Even when we were together, I missed her, but I didn’t miss home. I’ve gotta run for soundcheck, but I hope you guys enjoy the show tonight.” She pulled away from the group, half smiling at the disappointed noises before making her way into the venue.

Heading to the dressing room where Ellie was already set up, she picked up the acoustic as she dropped her bag down.

“I’m gonna head out and check the guitar. Mess about before we actually sound check.” Ellie nodded.

“Sure, want me to come with?” She hesitated before nodding.

“Yeah, if you want. I’m not adverse to some company right now.” Ellie picked up her phone and followed after Y/N, the two navigating the corridors with ease. They stopped by the boys dressing room.

“Heading to mess about before actually soundchecking.” Luke pushed off the seat, followed by Michael.

“Can we tag along? Before we kill Ashton and Calum.” She tossed the two a curious look, both holding innocent faces.

“Whatever you’re planning, keep me out of it and don’t even think of pulling any kind of prank on me.” She warned playfully and they both gave her matching looks of offence.

“We’ve done nothing!” Ashton called out as she pulled away from the door.

“Not yet, at least.” She called back, laughter erupting from the room before it fell quiet as Luke and Michael followed the pair.

“I’m gonna practice a cover, I probably won’t play it on tour but my hands are itching.” She explained to Ellie who chuckled.

“You been hit with inspiration to write or just play?”

“Play I think.” Came the quiet reply and Ellie nodded in understanding.

“Sometimes it’s good just to play whatever you can to feel the music.” Her arm went across Ellie’s waist for a brief moment, giving her a small squeeze.

“Thanks.”

As they reached the stage, Y/N ditched the guitar, immediately heading to the piano, making Luke laugh.

“Can we not request Wonderwall?” Came the tease as he sat next to her. She stuck her tongue out as she checked it was still tuned before finding the right key.

Ever since they’d released Youngblood, one song had stuck to her tightly and she knew that playing it would help her let it go. But this was their song.

Both Michael and Ellie were sat on the drum riser, talking quietly.

“Sorry if I butcher this.” She muttered before hitting the few chords and Luke’s face immediately recognised the song.

“I saw you looking brand new overnight, I caught you look too but you didn’t look twice. You look happy, oh, you look happy.”

It was therapeutic as she played, missing only one of the keys as she sang. What she didn’t expect was Luke to harmonise with her throughout, letting her lead the song.

As the last note echoed out, her fingers still resting on the keys, he placed a hand over hers.

“You saw, huh?” She could only nod, pressing her eyes closed for a second to stop the tears from building up.

“The song has been itching at my fingertips, but seeing that, I needed to let it out because part of me feels like my chest wants to burst.” Voicing it outloud made her shoulders release slightly, dropping down a little bit as her eyes finally opened and glanced at Luke who wore and understanding smile.

A pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders and neck, a head coming to rest on top of hers. The tattoos gave away that it was Michael.

“How do you feel after playing it?” His voice was quiet, but she could hear the understanding in his voice and it felt like her chest was on fire.

“Better. Less likely to fuck up.” This made Ellie laugh as she gently shoved Michael, his grip loosening as he dramatically stumbled away, only to stumble over one of the wrapped up chords, making the three of them laugh as he hit the stage floor.

“You guys are assholes.” He muttered as he stood up, brushing off his trousers.

“You’ve only just figured that out? Wow, we managed to hide it so well Ellie.” Her voice took on the tone of surprise and Michael snorted as she moved from the piano, plucking the guitar from the stand.

“You two want to stick around for the actual soundcheck?” Ellie asked them as she picked up the second guitar, waving briefly to Cara and Rich as they reached the backstage.

“Only if you play Wonderwall.”

“Not on your life, Hemmings.” Rich called back before reaching his drum kit which sat in front of the riser.

They stuck around for the soundcheck before heading back to get dressed for their own soundcheck.

There was a sense of freedom as they soundchecked their last song and she could feel her body dancing along with the beat of the music. This made both Cara and Ellie laugh as they finished up the song.

Cara wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“You’ll be alright, I promise. Now c’mon, we need to get moving and get some food. Who fancies some lovely burgers?”

As they headed out to grab some food, Y/N found herself checking through Instagram.

As she refreshed the feed, her eyes focused on the fact that Michael had posted whilst they were soundchecking and to her shock, it was her and Luke sat at the piano.

“El, please tell me you did not encourage him to do that?” Her whine made the other three laugh, Rich patting her shoulder from his spot next to her.

“You learn fast that no one can really say no to her pout.” He teased and as if to almost prove his point, Ellie pulled a spectacular pout that made her feel bad for even making the comment.

“I didn’t have to encourage him. I was going to, but then I could see he was already posting it to Instagram. So I left it. Plus you were having a moment so I didn’t really want to ruin that.” The four of them laughed.

She clicked the unmute button, and her voice began to croon through the phone speakers.

“It’s three am and the moonlights testing me. If I can make it till dawn then it won’t be hard to see, I ain’t happy, oh. I ain’t so happy. Flashing back to New York City, changing flights so you’d stay with me. Problem was, I thought I had this right.”

She scrolled a little further as her own voice with Luke’s harmonies continued filtering through her phones speaker and she felt her heart skip a small beat at the caption from Michael.

‘The best kind of compliment for us to get is knowing our music is helping people. Seeing someone who I’ve been working with from day one, pay us this compliment in such a beautiful way means a lot to me. Especially when I watched her heart collapse. What I’m trying to say is you guys think we don’t see the covers, but we do. You pay us the best kind of compliments with them, just like Y/N has done. And I’m damn proud to be her friend and see how far she’s come since last summer. Keep going, you’re killing the game, I promise.’

She could feel the tears in her eyes as she read the caption and an arm went across her shoulder.

“Considering we’ve only known you since the start of the tour, we can’t say much about last summer. But you’re getting there and god damn you’ve got the world at your feet right now.” Rich’s words set the tears running and both Cara and Ellie laughed at her pitiful wail as she hid her face against his shoulder for a second.

“You guys have put up with my shit without any complaints. I’m sorry if I’ve been such a miserable cow.” She finally muttered and Cara giggled.

“You’re allowed to be a miserable cow. You’ve had your heart broken. But you’re trying, and all of us can see that. So don’t worry about it.” Cara reached over and wiped at her tears and Rich gave her one last squeeze before they rattled off their orders to the waitress.

When they’d eaten and headed back to the venue, she took her time and stuck her head in the boys’ dressing room. Luke and Ashton looked up from their phones.

“You looking for Mike?”

“Sorta. I was looking for you too, Luke.” He raised an eyebrow as she moved over and hugged him briefly, but tightly.

“Thanks.” His arms tightened around her marginally before letting her go and Ashton grinned at her.

“No hug for me?”

“Not today. Maybe tomorrow.” Came the playful retort and he laughed.

The door opened again and Michael stepped in followed by Calum, the two laughing at something. When they noticed that there was someone who wasn’t Luke or Ashton in the dressing room, they turned their attention and Michael gave her the biggest grin.

Without saying much, she quickly closed the distance between them and her arm wrapped around his neck, holding him tightly as his arms wound around her with ease, pulling her feet off the floor.

“Thank you.” She murmured next to his ear and pulled back slightly, placing a kiss to his cheek.

He held her for a few seconds longer before placing her down on her feet.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what did I do to deserve that?” The curiosity and amusement were clear as day to her, and she just smiled in return.

“For showing me I’m making progress,” her eyes glanced to her watch, “speaking of, I need to get changed. We’re onstage soon.” And without hesitation or a second thought, she leaned up, placing a soft kiss to his cheek and disappeared from their dressing room.

She missed how his cheeks turned pink.

---

The next month, she seemed to have had enough.

They had a couple of days off in Sydney, so after letting herself onto their bus, Y/N noticed that Luke was already up and dressed.

“Got any plans for today?” Was his greeting and she shook her head.

“I feel like I’m going insane on that bus.” She muttered and he let his hand rest over hers for a second before grinning.

“C’mon then. We’re having our not-date day.” He stood up up, heading back to the bunks for a few moments before returning with his phone and wallet, picking up the jacket that had apparently been discarded over the back of the seats.

“Wait, really?” He grinned at her in response.

“We need to cheer you up. You owe me dinner. Might as well make a day of it seeing as we don’t have anything booked in for today. Plus this is our home city. I’m pretty sure that I can survive showing you around. Did you want to grab a jacket or anything?”

She shook her head.

“It’s warm enough for me.”

“At least take a jumper, I know it’s warm enough for you, but the weather changes so fast, especially since we’re technically in our winter right now.” Luke pleaded. She hesitated for a second and he groaned before heading back through the bunks.

“Yeah, sure. Hey Y/N!” Michael shouted through as Luke came back, grinning.

“Yeah?”

“If that fucker takes you to the Harbour Bridge, I’m gonna throw him to the sharks. We’re doing that tomorrow after the interviews.” This prompted her to stare at Luke for a second before the two of them giggled.

“I’ll keep it in mind Mike.” She called back.

“Good, and look after the hoodie. I actually like that one.” He followed up with, prompting her to raise her eyebrow at Luke.

“I know you like big cosy hoodies. His are the comfiest and he knows it.” Came the easy reply and she simply laughed, accepting the offered hoodie and tying it around her waist as they left the bus once more.

There was an Uber waiting for them as they reached the side of the venue and Luke allowed her to slide in first before following after.

As the car peeled away, curiosity finally got the better of her.

“Lu, where are we going?” He grinned over at her in response.

“Royal Botanical Gardens. It’s a nice day out and also if gets us away from the mayhem of the city.”

The car ride was mostly filled with chatter of the couple of weeks they had off and what her plans were going to be.

“I’ll stay in LA, work on the album. With the success of the EP, apparently they’re excited for more stuff. So I won’t really be getting a break whilst we’re taking a break.” He laughed.

“I feel that. It sometimes feels like you’re trying to catch up with yourself when you’ve got the time off right?” She nodded at his words.

They fell into a companionable silence as the car reached the Gardens. Her breath escaped her as she looked at the sight before her. Luke allowed himself a brief moment of smugness before thanking the driver and looping his arm through hers.

“C’mon, my not-date.” This made her laugh as they entered the Gardens.

She found herself mesmerised by the sheer beauty of the place, unable to keep her eyes still for very long as they walked, eventually pulling away from Luke to get a closer look at some of the plants.

Unawares that Luke was holding up his phone towards her, taking a couple of photos, she turned her head back to him and beamed.

“This place is so beautiful.” She breathed as he moved back towards her. He could only nod in agreement as they continued their walk, her eyes still searching the vibrant colours.

“How are you doing?” Luke’s quiet voice pulled her from her thoughts and she hummed in acknowledgement.

“I’m fine, why?” Luke raised an eyebrow at her.

“Not what I meant and you know it.” They’d been walking around for just over an hour at this point. Spotting a bench, they made their way over to it and sat down, her head resting on his shoulder as they watched other people go by.

“I keep thinking she’ll come back. That she’ll apologise. And seeing that photo, I don’t know. It just, it broke me. Nearly three fucking years together.” The bitterness of her words tasted foul in her mouth.

“Feels like you’re stuck and can’t pull away?” She felt Luke rest his own head against hers and she sighed.

“I keep asking myself, what did I do wrong? Is it the timezones? Is it because I’m away? Was it someone I went out with? Is it because of the rumours? I feel like my head is dizzy and I’m just so exhausted all the time.”

“I doubt it was your fault.” He soothed her softly. She scoffed.

“It feels like it. I found out from a friend that she’s dating another lesbian and all I could think was ‘did she believe those rumours?’ and I hate it. I want to stop thinking about it.” She admitted softly.

A small breeze began to pick up, playing with the ends of their hair as they sat together, talking.

“Why would she put stock in rumours when all we ever heard about was how much you loved her?” She knew that he was curious, but the playful jab was there. It made her smile slightly.

“Because I don’t exclusively date women. I’m bi, and I keep thinking that she actually believed what’s been printed about me.”

“Then she should’ve called. Texted. Anything to give you a fucking inkling of what was going on in her head. You’ve literally had the carpet pulled from under your feet.” The indignation on your behalf made your heart swell for the man with the golden curls.

“It takes two to tango. I never called as often as I should’ve-”

“Stop right there.” He cut her off and she pressed her lips together, eyes closing as she sighed. “She’s made her bed and she’s gotta lie in it. You’re the one dealing with the aftermath of it. You’ve been so busy with this tour, anyone can see how hard you work and how exhausted you are. She knew what was coming but still didn’t make that effort. That’s on her, not you.”

They lapsed into silence once more. Then,

“Thank you, Lu. I’m sorry.” He rolled his eyes at her before finally pulling her up from the bench with him as he got up.

The breeze had picked up this time and so once on her feet, Y/N untied the hoodie from her waist, pulling it over. She realised that Luke was right and that she immediately favoured this hoodie over any previous one she owned.

She knew she practically drowned in it, the sleeves falling way past her hands and the hoodie baggier than needed, but she felt warm and it was a smell that was just entirely Michael as she pulled the front up to protect her face from the wind as it picked up.

She didn’t recognise it amidst her heartbreak, but her heart skipped a beat.

“C’mon, we have more time to kill and I’ve had enough sappy shit.” Her laughter was refreshing as the two continued their way through the gardens and found a small little cafe to grab a bite to eat.

Running into a few fans there, the two pleaded with them to wait till they were long gone before posting about where they were, if only to stop the place from getting swarmed.

They ran for the waiting uber like a couple of giggling school children, and only when they were far enough away did Luke bother to post anything.

She seemed content enough to snuggled down within Michael’s hoodie and rest her head on Luke’s shoulder as he scrolled through his phone.

“We’ve got a hotel for the next couple of nights, so you’ll have an actual bed.” He tilted his phone to show the texts and she nodded her head at that.

“Got it.”

---

A the tour progressed, people speculated about the relationship disintegration between Y/N and Allie.

But she’d put interviewers in their place when they got a bit too personal.

“It’s my business what happens in my private life. We’re not together any more, and that’s all you need to know.

But from that point, it seemed more and more fans were singing her songs back to her, and her album was back in the charts.

No one protested the setlist change. It meant a chance for her to incorporate a different cover for almost every show. It felt good to change things up and she knew that she was getting her smile back once more.

Michael had helped on that front.

Most nights, despite the separate tour busses, they’d be gaming against or with each other, depending on the game. This resulted in long nights and many nights exchanging text messages of memes from the game, especially when the other fucked up.

Some of the time, she’d stay on the bus the following day to play against Michael, but more often than not, she went off exploring with Ashton and Calum, buying and sending back postcards to her family.

As the tour progressed through America, she felt a lot more free as she sang and danced her last set in LA, knowing that in a few weeks, she’d finally be back home in England, even if it was only for two weeks.

“What are your plans?” Michael asked as they got their kits together. The last show had been played for a few weeks now and it was time to breathe.

“Not too sure. I’ve not got a place in LA yet, so I’m gonna check myself into a motel or something till we fly out to the UK.” She responded with a shrug and Michael frowned.

“You’re not staying in some grotty motel. You can stay with me till we head out to the UK.” She opened her mouth to argue and he moved his hand to cover her lips. “Don’t argue me on this one. You’re staying with me and that’s final.”

It took only thirty seconds before she finally rolled her eyes and nodded.

“Yes mother.” She snarked once his hand was removed and he got a mischievous look in his eye which set her running away from him, a yell escaping her lips as he chased after her.

“Take that back!”

“Not a chance in hell Clifford!”

And for those that had worked the tour, heard her tears, there was a bit of relief as her laughter echoed through the hallways. She was healing.

As they got back to his place, the masses of bags being dragged in between the two of them, Michael was the first to collapse on the couch and she followed shortly after, his arms wrapping around as he pulled her close, a soft sigh escaping his lips.

“C’mon, we need to go to bed.”

“But you’re comfy.”

“You need a proper bed.”

“Nope.”

“Y/N.” Michael groaned and she giggled softly pressing her face into his shoulder.

“We just got back, we need to breathe a bit, dumbass.” He laughed as he squeezed her tightly.

“Alright. But if you fall asleep, I’m not carrying you.” He warned and she shrugged, pressing herself closer as her eyes fluttered shut.

“Can’t escape from me now, Clifford.” She muttered quietly before her breathing grew slower.

Michael knew how exhausted she was, her heart still healing from the heartbreak and he knew that it was going to be tough on her. So as a soft snore escaped her lips, Michael found himself unable to even move her, his heart softening as he pulled her tight and placed a kiss to her temple.

“Like I’d even want to try.”

It was hours later when the pair woke up. Michael woke up first, his arms keeping her encased as he just enjoyed the moment of peace. Glancing at the clock, the numbers read that it was three thirty in the morning, and as much as he didn’t want to move, he knew that the both of them needed to lie in a proper bed.

“C’mon sleepy head.” His voice was raspy, tired. He knew that once they were both in their beds, neither would re-emerge for another twelve hours at least.

“Don’t wanna.” Finally came from Y/N and Michael laughed softly.

“Going to have to move. I promise once you’re in bed, I won’t wake you again.” That seemed to get her moving enough so that they were leaning on each other as they stumbled through his place to the guest room.

Not even caring of the fact that Michael was still in the room, she wiggled free from her jeans, crawling beneath the covers.

“You’re the best. Night Mikey.” The sentence was slurred, her voice getting softer before the sentence ended with a snore. He snorted, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to her forehead before he made his way to his own room, ditching jeans and his shirt before crawling beneath his own covers.

It was almost like someone hit him over the head with a baseball bat. He was knocked out immediately.

—

It felt like a full on recovery for the first three days. Y/N was feeling like the wind had been stolen from her sails before Michael explained it wasn’t uncommon.

“We’ve just done seven months of touring and promo mixed together. Even with the days off, you’re still doing something. Your body probably feels like this is the first chance you’ve had to relax in months.”

They settled themselves in the living room for the first three days, watching tv and napping. It was relaxed and she could feel like her days were easier.

By the fourth day, that was when they started to venture out a bit. Ashton immediately invited himself around and took Y/N out for lunch when she’d sent a text saying she felt a little more alive.

Michael could only laugh as he half dragged her out of his place.

“I’ve got my own shit to do, I’d rather be going for lunch!” He yelled out after her plea to save her escaped from her lips.

“How are you feeling now that you’ve had a chance to let your body recover?”

“I’m not bad. I still expect to see her name a few times but it’s easier now that her number isn’t in my phone and I’m not pining as much. I’m just more worried about finding a place out here now.”

Ashton nodded in understanding as they pulled into one of the car park complexes.

“Whilst we’re here and then out in the UK, I don’t mind helping you if you want to sit down and look?” She smiled at him as they walked through the town.

“Yeah, thanks. Hey, would you mind coming with me to explain to my family? It’s just that they worry and I don’t want them to.” As they reached the restaurant, Ashton held the door open for her before following behind.

“Table for two under Irwin?” He asked before the hostess could even greet them. She checked the roster before nodding her head and guiding them further into the restaurant.

Once they were seated and were looking over the menus, Ashton finally asked her the question.

“Why me, and not one of the other guys?” She half smiled at that.

“I know that Sierra is coming to the UK leg of the tour. I also know that Calum will want to visit Mali whilst he’s over there.”

“And Michael?”

She had to pause at that. Why wouldn’t she ask him?

Ashton waited as she tried to find her words, before her eyes settled on the table.

“You all just assumed I was a lesbian, right?” The question in return caught Ashton off guard as he slowly nodded.

“Well, yeah. I mean we never really asked you about your previous relationships.” Ashton shrugged as he set the menu down to look at her properly.

“I’m not. I’m bisexual. My family know and accept this. But if I take Michael, they’ll assumed that I’m dating him already.”

“And they won’t assume that with me?”

“Because I don’t act like I’m in love with you, moron.” She rolled her eyes before they widened in shock.

Ashton smirked.

“Fuckin’ knew it.” He muttered before sighing. “I’ll come with you, if only so your family don’t have any kind of freak out and reveal that you’ve been crushing on Mike for a while.”

“Shut up.” She hissed quietly, making him laugh as the waitress came over and took their orders.

“Chill out, my feline friend. I don’t think the others have cottoned on yet, but I definitely noticed it after your not-date with Luke. It annoyed him that you went with Luke on the day off and he had to settle for half a day because of interviews.” At that, her head fell into her hands and a sigh escaped her lips.

“Ashton, I’m royally fucked. I’m spending the next two months with him and I literally feel like a teenaged schoolgirl with her first crush, except my heart still feels fucking broken beyond repair right now. And he doesn’t deserve that.”

“Maybe he doesn’t. Or maybe he does deserve someone who feels like that so he can show her that she’s not as broken as she thinks.”

As the food arrived, they switched the conversation to the European leg of the tour, the various cities they were excited to visit and gifts they planned on buying.

“Are you worried about seeing Allie?” He finally asked, resting his elbows on the table and his head on his hands.

She leaned back in her chair and thought about his question.

“No. Well, it’s going to hurt. I know that. I’ve still got to collect the last of my stuff from hers and get it shipped over here. So I’m going to have to see her. But honestly?” She hesitated before sighing. “I’m more worried about how I’m going to actually react. Because I don’t know if I’m angry or not. I couldn’t make heads or tails of my emotions on the road and I had to stay put together for the interviews and shows.”

“What dates are you going to see your family?”

“Mum’s planning a family shindig on Halloween. Then they’ve got a small van for me and it’ll pick me up straight after the Sheffield show. Instead of flying out on the third with you guys, I’ll fly back out to the tour on the fourth.”

“Want me with you for the whole thing?” He watched as her eyes dropped to the table and it was like the embarrassment radiated in waves off her.

“Am I that easy to read?” Ashton chuckled.

“No, I just know my friend well enough to see when she doesn’t want to ask for something in fear of overstepping some kind of boundary.” His words were teasing, but the sincerity stunned her for a second.

“Only if you want to, Ash. But it means that you’ll be sharing my room with me.” He laughed.

“It’s fine. Shall we head out to look for a place for you then? Might as well get a start before we leave for Europe.” She nodded in acceptance and split the bill with him. As the two left, they’d both spotted the paps lurking about, but both ignored them as they made their way back to Ashton’s car.

“Shall we place bets on how many articles say we’re dating, even when it’s plainly obvious even to a blind man that I’m not interested in you?” Ashton laughed as he got in the car and they peeled away from the complex and headed back to his.

----

With Ashton’s help, they’d managed to secure a decent house for her and with the money from the album sales and tour, she knew it was easier to outright buy the place instead of renting, which is what she did.

She swore Ashton to secrecy, because there was no point in making a big fuss over her place. It still needed some work done and they worked over the two week break to get the place cleaned up and furnished for her return back to LA once the tour finished.

“So you’re gonna host a housewarming party when we get back right?” She laughed as she locked up the place. It was all done, all she needed to do was ship her stuff over. She’d already met with a few of her new neighbours and they’d agreed to hold parcels for her until she returned from the tour the following month later.

“First we’re celebrating the surprise party for Michael. Our boy is turning twenty three. Can’t ignore that.” They laughed as they got into his car.

“Well yeah, there’s that first. But after?”

“Considering we’re both up for ARIA’s, still don’t know how I managed that,” Ashton laughed, “so I’m gonna give it a couple of days, so maybe have the party on the twenty first or twenty second. Then to my knowledge, I’m flying out on the twenty fifth for the rehearsals?” Ashton nodded.

“Sounds about right. I know Cal’s going over earlier to spend time with his family.”

“Right. This is still feeling so surreal, honestly.” He laughed.

Flying out from LA back to London seemed like a breeze, but she also knew that this was where she’d have to go back home. Y/N was both excited and nervous to go back to her hometown.

The flight to London had been filled with jittery nerves. They’d landed late in the evening and only a small handful of fans were waiting to greet them.

“Welcome home Y/N!” One fan called and she chuckled.

“Thanks guys. How’re you all doing?” She received varied answers from the small group that had gathered around her. She could see the phones out but didn’t protest them like she usually would’ve, she was just too damn tired.

“How was the flight for you?” One fan asked and she shrugged, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Exhausting. I forget how tiring flying can actually be, especially when you’re not good on long flights as it is.” She grinned bashfully, earning a few scattered giggles.

“Are you looking forward to being back home for a little bit?”

“Definitely. I’ve got plans on our days off to go visit my family and I know my mum is super excited to see me. I’m almost certain she’s called every family member that’s old enough to drive to come to this meal. That’s going to be a busy day.” the fans were calm and the discussion turned to new music.

“Have you been working on anything on the road?” She shrugged at that question.

“Yes and no. I haven’t pushed myself to write, but I’ve been recording. I can’t say much now, but you guys are going to absolutely love it, I promise you.” This earned her excited whispers and she giggled as she signed a few things for them.

She was more than happy to take a few selfies with a few of them before Michael called her over and she made quick apologies, heading over to where he was loitering with security.

“They’re sending vans. They’ll take us to the bus pick up and then it’s an overnight journey to Glasgow.” His eyes were watching how tired she was and she sighed.

“Why can’t they just fly us up there instead?” She groaned quietly, making him laugh.

“Because they’re assholes. Fancy bus crashing for the night? I know El, Rich and Cara are going to be wide awake.”

“And you four losers won’t be?” Came back the tart reply and he grinned.

“We’re just as tired as you are. So no, we’re probably going to knock out the second our heads hit the bunk.”

She hesitated for a moment before sighing. Pulling out her phone, she messaged the group chat she had with her own bandmates.

‘You guys cool if I bus crash tonight?’

Ellie was the first to reply.

‘Yeeah, we were thinking of maybe having a couple of games going when we go on. You look exhausted so you’d probs be better off sleepin on their bus.’

She replied almost instantly.

‘That’s fine by me. You guys be as loud as you like.’

It wasn’t much longer till they all piled into the two vans and it felt like she’d barely blinked before being shaken awake by Michael.

“C’mon Y/N, we’re at the busses.” The cold October weather made her cringe into Michael’s side and he laughed.

“Shut up, I’m used to the LA heat.” She grumbled. He fell silent but pulled her tighter to him anyway. She was wrapped up in the hoodie she’d managed to acquire after her not-date with Luke and he hadn’t argued the loss of it, claiming she looked cuter in it anyway.

When they got on the bus, the boys went to claim their bunks and before she could head to the back to crash on the sofa, Michael was pulling her into the bunk area and she couldn’t help but smile at someone who looked so stupidly cute, especially when his eyes were silently pleading with her.

With a sigh, she took off her bra, tossing it to the end of his bunk before climbing in and he followed after. Not even bothering to take off the hoodie, she curled into his side and with a whispered ‘goodnight’ between the two of them, it didn’t take too long before both of them were fast asleep, his body turned towards hers and his arm thrown over her waist.

When Michael woke the next morning, she was curled against him, her back pressing against his chest. His arm was still thrown across her waist. He didn’t dare move as he tiredly stared at her, his heart skipping a beat as her eyes opened and she turned over, face hiding against his chest.

She could feel her heartbeat thundering against her chest as she felt his lips against the top of her head.

“Morning kitten.” She tried not to let her shock show at the pet name, a simple hum of acknowledgement escaping as she pressed her face firmly against his chest, not willing to move an inch.

“Morning.” She finally muttered and he chuckled.

“We in Glasgow yet?” He shook his head.

“Still travelling. Not sure where we are though.” A sigh escaped her lips.

“Means we don’t have to move.” She muttered stubbornly her arm wrapping around him and he could feel heat rising in his cheeks as he held her close, mouthing a silent prayer just to keep his cool till they woke up properly.

It took another thirty minutes before the bunk curtain was pulled open by Luke.

“C’mon lovebirds. We reach Glasgow in about an hour.” He ducked the pillow she threw at him before Michael pushed out of the bunk first, and she reluctantly moved, following after him.

She slipped her bra on before following through to the front of the bus and was greeted with tired smiles from the other three. She took the open spot next to Michael, ignoring the pointed looks from Luke and Ashton as she lay her head on his shoulder.

“You changing anything to the setlist this tour?” She snorted into the cup of tea that Ashton had passed her at Calum’s question.

“I desperately want to cover Fuck You, just to be petty. But I won’t,” they all shared grins at that, “I will maybe switch the order of the setlist and throw the cover towards the start. Get the crowd going.”

“What cover you gonna do?”

“All the covers that get Brits fucking jumping.” She teased and they laughed as the bus finally pulled to a stop and she stood up, stretching out her tired limbs.

“You up for exploring tomorrow whilst we’re here?” Ash questioned and she nodded in agreement as she headed to the door of the bus.

“Yeah, who’s heading out tomorrow with you?”

“Just me.” Calum piped up and she grinned at him.

“Cool, see you guys in a bit.” And she was off the bus and onto her own seconds later, grateful that they were cut off from the fans view. She did not need to add fuel to that burning fire.

As she got on the bus, she was met with a very tired looking Cara who was nursing a coffee with both of her hands.

“Morning.” Came the quiet greeting.

“Morning to you too sunshine. How was last night?” Y/N sat herself opposite Cara who groaned quietly.

“I think it’s mostly tiredness speaking because not a lot of alcohol was consumed. But we’re just so excited to be playing for shows in the UK.”

“Even though you guys were with me for the first part of the tour.” She teased and they laughed quietly.

“It doesn’t count and you know it. This is playing in different cities. Playing in London once does not count at all.” Came the snarky retort and she held up her hands in a surrender position.

“I’m gonna go get changed. I might head into the venue and maybe work on something. Still got ideas running through my head.” She stood up, heading to the bunk area and Cara gave her a devious grin.

“Something to commemorate your night with Michael?” The taunt was playful and in jest and Y/N simply grinned.

“Maybe.”

---

As it crept closer to Halloween, it was obvious about how nervous Y/N was getting over the family party. More than once, Michael offered to come down with her and Ash, but she shook her head, desperately hoping that he couldn’t see how wistful her smile was.

“You need to hold the fort with Luke and Cal whilst I steal Ash for the day. We’ll be back in time for drinks, I promise.”

From London both her and Ashton travelled further south to her hometown on Halloween morning. They spent the majority of the journey discussing various ideas for her place back in LA, debating on different colours for the guest rooms that had yet to be painted.

“How many people are going to be there?” He questioned quietly as they pulled off the motorway. She checked her phone, scrolling through her previous messages with her mum.

“Mum said about twelve. But that’s just aunts and uncles and cousins. She’s not included their kids.” A low groan escaped him and she giggled.

“Hey, you agreed to this, knowing that I have a big family.” He rolled his eyes before smiling.

“I know. But it’s the kids that I’m worried about. Are you sure they won’t freak out?”

“Lucy might. She’s the only one I know that has probably listened to your stuff. The boys could care less.” She shrugged in return and he simply slumped down in the seat, earning a giggle.

“It won’t be like this at the weekend though?”

“Oh god no. This weekend is going to be telling them about moving to LA and packing up my stuff. Might even show you a few spots I frequented as a kid.” They shared matching grins as the car turned into a cul-de-sac and her eyes lit up.

Ashton couldn’t help himself as he snapped a photo of the beaming smile on her lips, his own lips curving into a grin to match hers.

“We’re here!” The car pulled to a stop and they got out of the car. Once it disappeared back down the street after a confirmation of pick up time, she headed to the front door and knocked. It was only eleven am, but she could see the various cars and hear the voices.

The door pulled open and she was greeted by her dad whose face lit up, pulling her into a warm hug.

It was a hug she’d been craving for months and her entire body melted against him.

“Welcome home, little one.” He murmured softly in her ear and she responded by clinging to him tighter before pulling away.

“Dad, this is Ashton, he’s the drummer of 5 Seconds of Summer, the band who helped give me this amazing opportunity.” She stepped to the side and Ashton held his hand out.

He was stunned when her dad pulled him in for a hug instead and his cheeks went slightly pink.

“Thank you for giving my little girl such a wonderful opportunity, come in, come in! The rest of the family are here.” He waved them both in and as she stepped through the door, Ashton ran his fingers through the mop of curls.

“I can see where you get the hugging genetic from.” He muttered under his breath and she snorted out a giggle before an excited squeal emitted from the living room.

“You’ve seen nothing yet, Irwin.”

As if on cue, her mum came rushing out of the living room and practically barrelled her over, holding onto her tightly as she peppered her face with kisses, making Y/N giggle.

“Hi mum. Missed you too.”

“Oh my baby is finally home for a bit!”

“Your baby is gonna pass out because she can’t breath and has barely stepped into the house.” She shot back sarcastically and Ashton coughed to cover up a chuckle. This turned her mum’s attention to Ashton.

“Don’t think you get out of this! You must be Ashton, yes?”

“Yes ma’am, it’s-” He was cut off as she pulled him in for a tight hug, this time making Y/N snicker at his wide eyes.

“Nice to meet you.” He finally finished off, making her mum laugh.

“It’s wonderful to meet you too, dear. Now come on through, a lot of the family are already here.” She pulled back, taking a hold of Ashton’s hand and he shot Y/N a panicked look and she shrugged in return as she followed after the two.

It took half an hour just to introduce Ashton to everyone who had already arrived because they were determined to ask him questions about the tour and what she had done on the tour and every question in between.

It was her Aunt Hallie who caught her unawares.

“So where’s young Allie?” She froze for a second, her eyes widening for a moment before her hand reached up, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Uh, we’re not together any more. We haven’t been for, like the last five months.” The awkward silence that filled the room and she could feel her stomach twist uncomfortably.

“Is this young Ashton your new thing then?” Her eyes widened in shock and Ashton, who had taken that moment to take a drink from the water that her mum had offered, choked.

“No, he’s here as support. Uh, I’m going to be collecting the rest of my stuff from Allie’s this weekend so he offered to meet the family as well, get it out of the way and-”

“She was worried about possibly running into Allie. I was the most level headed out of the band when the breakup happened and she wanted someone who would be able to be objective and stop anything from happening.” Ashton interjected once he’d gotten his breath back.

“And prey-tell why are you not dating him then?”

“Hallie,” her mum hissed softly, “that’s none of our business.”

“It’s fine, mum. Uh, I’m not interested in Ashton. I see him more as my brother. He’s been really good to me on the tour and looked out for me, especially when we’ve done the city explorations.” She explained quietly and as her Aunt Hallie opened her mouth to ask something else, her mum cut in once more.

“Enough, Hallie. They’re not together, and she’s not with Allie. You’ve known this.” Y/N groaned.

“Please, I’m not in the UK for long, I just want to enjoy today with you guys.” Hallie sat back and fell silent as the kids began to badger Ashton. He was patient with them as they invited him to play on Mario Kart.

As Y/N had expected, Lucy had fallen very shy around Ashton, so she went to her younger cousin and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

“I’m almost certain that if you ask nicely, he’ll let you have a picture with him.” Her cheeks flushed pink as she hid her face in her side and she chuckled.

“Alright. You wanna stick with me?” A nod followed and so she had a shadow attached to her as she joined Ashton on the floor and talked with the other adults about the tour and where she’d visited.

The kids soon abandoned the game when she began to show them photos she’d taken, so Ashton showed them some of his own and that was when Lucy began to come out of her shell.

“S’pretty photo of Y/N.” Came the soft mumble at the photo that he’d taken of her in Glasgow. Ashton beamed at Lucy who immediately went bright red.

“She’s the worst for having photos taken of her though, we have to catch her off guard or only when she’s in a particular mood to have photos taken. When we were in Australia, we were trying to get a group shot of all of us on the beach and she rolled off her towel and onto the sand to not be in the photo.” This earned him a giggle from Lucy and she slowly inched away from Y/N to take a look at the photo he was showing.

Ashton seemed to have earned himself the shadow that was her younger cousin then and it was sweet as he answered every question she had and even as they went to get food from the buffet that her mum had laid out, he let her sit with him.

Y/N had disappeared into the kitchen after taking a photo of the two of them talking. Hallie pinned her with a look and she sighed.

“Listen, he is not my boyfriend. I’m not starting this argument with you on my day off. We’re not here for much longer, the car will be here in a couple of hours to get us back to London.”

“I was just going to say he’s a nice boy you could have to get over this silly indecisiveness you have.” A groan escaped her lips.

“I’m not indecisive. I’ve dated boys and girls. I like them both. You try this with me every damn time Aunt Hallie.”

“Hallie, we’re not doing this today. I haven’t seen my little girl in months. I’m not letting your inability to see past the end of your nose ruin this day. You know where the door is if you really have that much of a problem.”

“Fine.” Came the huff and she disappeared out to the garden where a few other cousins were sat talking and having a smoke.

“Thanks dad.” She breathed and fell into his open arms.

“It’s okay sweetheart. How are you really doing?” She sighed into his shoulder.

“I’ll be okay, but Ash is genuinely here for moral support. He’s coming at the weekend as well. I don’t think I’m ready to face her by myself.” Her dad nodded before pressing a kiss to her temple.

“You’ve got good friends, little one. Come on now, we need to make sure that your Aunt hasn’t interrogated the poor lad.”

Mercifully she hadn't said a word, because Lucy still held all of his attention.

“Hey Luce, why don’t you ask Ash the question you wanted to ask earlier?” She called to her younger cousin and watched as her cheeks went a bright red.

“Uh, could I please have a picture with you?” Her voice had gone very quiet and Ashton grinned.

“Of course! You’re my favourite, but don’t tell Y/N that.” She giggled at her mock look of offence and obliged in taking the photo of the two.

The conversations continued over the next couple of hours before she received the warning text that the driver was about five minutes out.

“Ash, we need to say our goodbyes, driver is about five minutes away.” This earned gentle whines from the kids who had seemingly flocked to Ashton. She giggled and snapped a quick photo of it before going around and saying her goodbyes to the relatives, Ashton following behind her.

She left her parents for last, and they saw the pair off at the door.

“I’m looking forward to seeing you this weekend. Are we expecting you on Friday?” Her mum questioned as she hugged the two of them, her dad following her mum’s footsteps.

“Yeah, it’ll be late though. I’ve still got my key so I can just let us in and we’ll crash in my old room.” Her mum nodded.

“I’ll make sure to set up the airbed as well. Have a safe journey and enjoy the rest of the tour. We’ll see you in a few days.” They both escaped to the car after another shout of goodbyes from the family and once they were driving away, she let out a breath of air in relief.

“I can see why you needed someone there. Man, your Aunt Hallie was slightly terrifying.” Ashton’s observation made her laugh as they talked about the day and the possibilities of where they were going tonight.

When they reached London, Ash had to nudge her awake because she’d fallen asleep on his shoulder.

It wasn’t too late, so after stopping at a drive-thru for some food, once they were back at the busses, she followed after Ashton, knowing that the others would be on the bus too.

“So, any spectacular parties we can go to?” Cal grinned at her question.

“Yep. You ready to get drunk?”

“After today? Yes please.” Came the response and the group laughed.

“She’s not kidding, her aunt was tough as nails.” At that she snorted.

“Aunt Hallie just has her own ideas of what relationship I should be in. She’s relentless.” Ashton laughed as he went to put on a different shirt. She kept her outfit on, not bothering to go and change and soon enough they were piling out of the tour bus into two taxis.

Ellie and Cara were on her immediately as the taxi pulled away. Luke smirked at her.

“So what happened?” Ellie asked first and Cara pouted before giving her a pointed look.

“My aunt assumed that Ashton was my new fling. My younger cousin had her year made because he spent time with her and gave her his undivided attention. I’m pretty sure my family are ready to adopt Ashton regardless of me dating him or not.” Luke laughed.

“He’s good like that. Was it nice to see your family?” She shrugged.

“A few times we had close calls with my aunt being a somewhat piece of shit about my sexuality. But my parents didn’t want the day ruined with an argument, so she let it drop thankfully.” She explained and Luke hummed in return.

As they pulled up to the party and were greeted by various people, it felt good to just drink and let loose.

She wasn’t as tightly wound like she was at the start of the week and with each shot, she found herself gravitating closer to Michael as the night progressed. He didn’t argue this as they danced together, his hands on her hips and she pressed herself closer as more bodies joined the makeshift dance floor.

And she wasn’t entirely sure at what point she made the decision, but when she looked at him, the bass of the song reverberating through her body, she watched as his eyes dropped to her lips.

Using her arms around his neck, she inched closer, and he didn’t protest and before she could stop herself, their lips were barely centimeters apart.

“You can kiss me, y’know.” He breathed and she closed the gap between them, his lips soft against hers and she found herself entirely melting against his body as he pulled her closer.

His lips parted against her tongue and she could taste the alcohol as she kissed him, his tongue meeting hers and she could feel her heart fluttering. Their bodies were still moving with the music and she pulled away, her breath catching.

“Holy shit.” He whispered and before she could think much about it, his lips were on hers once more.

As the night progressed, she stuck to his side. He didn’t protest this as they continued to drink and soon the night began to blur together, the only solid thing her memory able to recall was the feeling of Michael’s lips against hers.

When she woke up the next morning, she was half draped across Michael, in his bunk. Unlike the start of the tour, she carefully pulled herself over and carefully climbed out. He barely moved as she got to her feet and plucked her jeans from the bottom of the bunk, shimmying them on before moving to the front.

The bus wasn’t moving so she assumed that they were at the venue.

Stepping through, she was met with three smirking band members and she froze.

“So.” Luke started and she could feel warmth spread to her cheeks.

“You two finally kissed.” Ashton continued and she took the spot next to Calum who raised an eyebrow at her.

“So bisexual, huh?” She simply slumped forward, her arms folding on the table and resting her head on them.

“Can you guys, not be smug assholes for like, five minutes?” They laughed and she whined at the noise levels. They fell silent when another dull thud was heard and her heartbeat picked up. She opted to keep her head on her arms, not wanting to look up.

“Let’s grab some breakfast. Pretty sure that one of the crew members said there was a McDonald’s nearby.” Calum’s suggestion was like music to her ears as they all greeted Michael before disappearing off the bus.

“Are you gonna look at me?” Her head shot up from her arms, wincing at the sudden movement which made him smile slightly.

Butterflies flooded her stomach at that smile.

“Do you want to talk about last night?” Her question was answered with a small nod and suddenly, every word disappeared from her lips. She couldn’t figure out what to say.

“Did you want to kiss me? Like, it wasn’t just because you were drunk?” Michael finally asked and she nodded her head.

“I don’t know if it escaped your attention, but I like you, dumbass.” He stared at her for a second.

“But, Allie?” She shook her head.

“She’s exclusively dated girls. I’ve dated both.” She clarified and understanding washed over his features followed by a grin.

“So you like me?” She laughed.

“Have done for a while now, Clifford.” They both chuckled before silence fell around them.

“How do you want to do this?” He asked and she hesitated before sighing.

“We’re technically working together. I’m your opening act. I know there’s like two weeks of tour left but-”

“It wouldn’t look good if we were public with any of this.” His body deflated and she moved from her spot, sliding herself onto his lap, straddling his legs so she could face him completely. His hands automatically rested on her hips, holding her there and his cheeks took on a pinkish hue.

He looked adorable in her opinion.

“Don’t think I don’t want to date you, because I do. But I don’t want to be public about it. Not yet, and especially not whilst we’re on tour. That’s just asking for trouble.” He nodded in understanding and when his gaze dropped to her lips, she smiled slightly.

“You can kiss me y’know.” She murmured his words from the previous night, making him smile before his lips connected with hers the second she finished her sentence. This kiss was sweeter, no alcohol fuelling these decisions and it wasn’t the first thing she could taste. Her body melded against his, his grip on her hips tightening slightly before their lips pulled away.

“The next two weeks are going to fucking suck.” He muttered and she giggled softly.

“I know, but when we’re away from prying eyes, you can kiss me all you want.” She hummed and his lips met hers in response.

They stayed like that until the boys came back and she reluctantly slid off his lap, sharing a soft kiss as she did so. This earned a wolf whistle.

“About time you two. Right, we have food and you both need to get ready for soundcheck soon.” Ashton reminded them both and they shared grins before accepting the breakfast offered and she settled against his side as they ate.

As they reached the end of the week, after the last UK show, both Y/N and Ashton rushed onto their busses to grab quick showers and a change of clothes.

She stuck to travelling in comfortable clothes and packed two changes of clothes. Ellie, Cara and Rich got onto the bus as she finished throwing her charger into the carry on and before she could leave Ellie pulled her into a tight hug.

The stress that had been building up all week dissipated somewhat at that.

“I needed that.” She muttered and Cara laughed.

“Hence why Ellie is the one giving you the hug. Just don’t get into any fights and we’ll see you in two days, alright?” She nodded her head and waved to them as she disappeared off the bus. Screams erupted as she emerged and she briefly waved to the groups of fans that were at the barriers.

She didn’t even hesitate as she punched in the code to get onto the bus and found Ashton emerging from the bunks, his carry on slung across the shoulder.

“No lover boy to see you off?” He teased and she rolled her eyes.

“I already got my kiss goodbye. Why, you need one from Cal?” She teased and he laughed loudly as they exited the bus once more. The screams grew louder as they headed to the waiting car for them, getting their stuff in before climbing in.

The journey was quiet, both of them on their phones as the headed down the motorway. It wasn’t as long as they’d anticipated, due to it being so late at night. But when they reached the house hours later, it was verging on three am and both were starting to lag by this point, yawns escaping them both every now and then.

As they crept into the house as quietly as possible, she guided Ashton to her childhood bedroom and when she flicked on the light, she felt her lips pull back into a wide smile.

The airbed was made up with blankets and pillows and her own bed had fresh covers on them judging by the note that was sat on her pillow.

‘Fresh blankets and clean sheets. See you both in the morning, love mum x’

Ashton chuckled as she switched her bedside lamp on and turned the main light off, helping Ashton find a plug for his phone charger before crawling under her covers, plugging her own phone in to charge.

“Night Y/N.” Ashton muttered quietly and she flicked the light off.

“Night Ash.”

When the pair woke the next morning, it was to the sounds of the radio and the smell of cooked food.

Rolling onto her side, she spotted that Ashton was awake and scrolling through his twitter feed.

“There better not be any sleeping photos, Irwin.” She mumbled as she stretched out on her bed and Ash laughed as he looked over to her.

“You’re good. I felt like being reasonably kind to you today.”

“You’re so nice to me.”

“I try.”

They laughed before she finally rolled out of her bed and Ashton got up. Grabbing her phone, the pair headed downstairs and were met with the sight of her mum cooking breakfast whilst her dad was sat at the kitchen table.

“Morning.” She kissed her dads cheek as she made her way to the fridge to grab some juice.

“Morning you two. How was the journey last night?” Her mum asked as she began to plate up the food. Ashton took a seat at the kitchen table opposite her dad.

“Not bad. It was quite on the motorway so we didn’t really hit any traffic. I think it was about three when we got in?” She hummed in agreement.

“Yeah, three sounds about right. Did you want some juice Ash?”

“Please.”

As they ate breakfast, it was mostly quiet as the two devoured their breakfasts, much to the amusement of Y/N’s parents.

“Do they not feed you on tour?” Her dad commented and she laughed.

“The boys eat like horses. However, we didn’t grab a bite to eat after the show last night. So I guess we’re kind of hungry.” She explained as she finished up her food before pushing the plate away.

Ashton followed her example a moment later.

“That was really nice, thank you ma’am.”

“So polite.” Her mum beamed as her dad collected the plates and did the last bit of the washing up. Once he was back at the table, her mum pinned her with a look..

“We realised that you’re probably going around to Allie’s today. What did you want us to do with your stuff?” At this, the two exchanged a look and this gained both of her parents attention.

“Little one?”

“Well, I kinda bought a house whilst I was out there. I got my citizenship because my job is technically based over there now. So it made it easier to apply.” She admitted and waited as the news sunk in for both of her parents.

“So you’re moving out there for good now?” Her mum’s tone broke her heart and she pressed her lips together, trying to find the right words but without hurting her parents feelings.

Ashton stepped in and rescued her.

“It’s easier for the artist to be based close to home for some record companies. Because Y/N is such a fresh face who has had a massive upswing with her music, like there wasn’t much promotion for her stuff, but she still managed to get number one in thirteen different countries. So with her moving to LA is beneficial on both sides of the fence. It also gives her more opportunities to work with different artists because despite the reputation that LA has, it’s the place to be to get your name out there.”

She could have honestly kissed Ashton in that moment.

“So you’re saying that it’d give her exposure?” Her mum clarified and Ashton nodded.

“Various artists and bands across all genres find themselves in LA. Making those connections are always crucial and she’s made the best kind of connections already. And it’s not like she won’t have friends out there.”

She watched as her dad processed the information.

“Dad?”

“It’s a lot to take in, you moving across the world. But this is what you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl. Who are we to cause a rift because we don’t like the decision? We knew you’d have to fly the nest eventually, maybe not so far, but we expected it after you moved in with Allie.”

She let out a breath of air she hadn’t realised she’d been holding at his words and he smiled.

“Trust me little one, we will miss you, but this is your dream. You know we’ll support you regardless.” At her mums nod, her shoulders relaxed and Ashton nudged her side.

“Told you it’d be fine.” The playful jab made laughter ring around the table as she stood and stretched.

“I’m going to get ready. We need to collect the stuff from Allie’s sooner rather than later and then maybe tonight we can go out for dinner?” She questioned her parents who shared a look before nodding.

They both went and got ready, Ashton heading to the bathroom to get changed.

When they got downstairs, she picked up her car keys and called out a goodbye as they headed out of the door.

“Didn’t realise that you could drive.” Ashton commented as she slid into the driver's seat.

“How else was I going to get around for tour?” She snorted. “I’ll need to take my test in the states, but I can drive. I might sell this car and whatever money I get from it I can put towards a new car over there.” She mused as she made the achingly familiar journey.

As she pulled up, she noticed that the car was in the driveway and her breathing hitched.

“You’ve got this. C’mon.” Ashton encouraged, climbing out of the car. It was only when he opened her door did she move and finally got out of the car, slowly walking up to the house.

Knocking on the door, her heart plummeted as an unfamiliar face opened the door.

“Hi, how can I help you?”

“Uh, is Allie here?”

“Babe, someone at the door for you.” The stranger called back. Allie appeared moments later and her face dropped.

“Oh. Y/N. Hi Ashton.” He nodded at her in return and she looked away from him.

“I’ve come to collect my stuff.” Allie seemed to paused for a second before nodding.

“Yeah, uh it’s in the garage. Let me just, grab the keys for it.” She disappeared from the door for a moment before returning and the two followed behind Allie as she walked to the garage door.

“So, how was tour?” The words were hesitant and she could feel the burning frustration mixed with hurt bubble in her chest.

“Still on it.” Came the short response and she felt a minor satisfaction as Allie flinched at her tone.

Once the garage door was open, she showed the two where her stuff was being kept and she felt grateful that there was the small mercy of it already being packed away. She didn’t want to be here longer than necessary.

It didn’t take too long to load the boxes into the car, Allie standing by, watching the pair as they shifted the last of her stuff. Once it was done and the garage door was closed once more, Y/N fished around for her keys before finding the key to the house.

“Might want to give your new girl that one. Have a nice life, and I hope it works out for you.” The words were bitter, tired. But Allie simply nodded her head, clasping the key in her hand.

“Take care.” She whispered as the two headed back to the car and she eventually headed into the house.

She lasted five minutes driving before she had to pull over, her shoulders shaking and tears blurring her vision. Ashton didn’t hesitate as he wrapped his arms around her and allowed her to get it out of her system.

There was no rush as she cried, her body tired as the tears finally slowed and the sobs died down.

“Better?” She nodded.

“Better.”

---

With the weight of her move now off her shoulders, her parents promising to get her stuff shipped to her new place, the rest of the tour felt easier.

It was the last show in Madrid when she surprised fans with the song she felt that she couldn’t play before. But she knew that her heart was on the mend.

“Over the last few months, you guys have seen me pretty much hit rock bottom. I got my heart broken whilst I was mid-tour and it sucked. And this song, it was once her song. But it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. So this song, this song is for all of you. This is your song now.”

She could see the boys side stage as she danced and sang the song, the crowd singing the lyrics right back at her and it felt like relief flooding her bones.

When she finished her set and rushed off, she was swept into tight hugs from all of the boys, Michael patiently waiting till last as they moved away from the stage, his lips meeting hers softly.

“So you’re getting there, huh?” He teased and she grinned.

“Had some help from some amazing friends. But yeah. I’m getting there birthday boy.” She hummed and his lips met hers once more.

“Pack it in love birds, we need him coherent for the show.” Calum called over to the two of them, making her giggle as he wrapped his arms around her tightly.

“You guys suck. You need to be nicer to me on my birthday.” He called back and Calum rolled his eyes.

“It might be your birthday in Australia, but it isn’t here. Not yet. So no I don’t need to be nicer to you.” Calum fired back making the others laugh as Michael pouted.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be your birthday when we fly home.”

“Jet lag is gonna kick our asses.” She laughed as they got their ten minute stage warning.

“Yeah well, we’ll have days after your birthday to recover. So don’t fret. Now go be a good rockstar and enjoy the night.” He grinned, his lips meeting hers once more before vanishing after his bandmates.

The last show went off without a hitch and so began the journey to LA. And despite knowing she had her own place out there, when Michael offered for her to stay over at his when they landed, she simply nodded in agreement.

They’d barely had time to drop their stuff off at his before they were being picked up again and Michael kept asking her if she knew anything.

It was difficult to keep a straight face, especially when she was so tired, so she simply let her head rest on his shoulder, shrugging as she did so.

“I don’t know what’s been planned. I was just told to stick with you.” He snorted at that and settled before they arrived at the venue and as he entered, she found herself beaming as he greeted his parents with enthusiasm, despite how tired she knew he was.

She was quickly pulled over and introduced to his parents, both who spent their time talking with her whilst he greeted everyone, unable to contain his laughter as he saw his bandmates.

“It was like, thirty minutes ago I saw you three I think? It’s been a long time, man.” This earned him tired chuckles.

Thankfully, she wasn’t expected to mingle with everyone, so whilst Michael was catching up with his friends, she stuck to the guys, trying to keep herself awake as the night grew on.

“How close are you to passing out right now?” Ashton murmured and she giggled softly.

“You’re the reason I’m still stood upright, Irwin. You’re not allowed to move.” The two of them laughed before there was calls for cake and they finally moved closer, Michael’s eyes lighting up when he spotted her. He coaxed her to his side and she did so without much argument, her body fighting the exhaustion at this point.

“I know that there are some that want me to go out, but I’m ready to just crash if I’m honest.” He hummed and she grinned at him.

“Best idea you’ve had all day, Clifford.” This made him chuckle as the gathered group of friends began to sing Happy Birthday to him and his hand slipped in hers as he blew out the candles.

By the time the cake had been cut, she’d found herself sat next to him, her face nestled against his shoulder. She was beyond caring about what people would assume at this point, and when Michael pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head in full view of all of their friends, earning the whistles from his band mates, she relaxed.

“They won’t necessarily care that I’m this affectionate with you. But I can bet you that there will be photos all over the internet in the next hour of that.” He murmured and she snorted.

“Too tired to care. M’gonna worry about that tomorrow.” She hummed in return and he snickered.

When they got back to his place, instead of crawling into the guest room like she’d planned, unsure on what the sleeping arrangement was going to be, his fingers laced with hers and he pulled her into his room, the both of them getting changed into comfier clothes.

Crawling into bed beside him, she barely managed a whispered ‘goodnight’ before she was asleep, Michael following after almost immediately.

The next morning, or afternoon at least, when she woke up, she found herself happy enough to just remain cuddled into Michael, her eyes still heavy with sleep.

“Morning.” He groaned softly as she shifted onto her side to curl closer to him.

“Afternoon.” She fired back with a yawn and he laughed.

It took them both another hour to actually pull themselves from the bed, and that was when they realised that there was no food in his house and their stuff was in need to get washed.

“So much to do, too tired to care.” He groaned into her neck as they stood in the kitchen, her body leaning against his.

“I know, but we need food and we also need clean clothes. Especially for another party in a couple of days.” She kept the mention as casual as possible, but he spun her around with ease, her back pressing into the kitchen counter.

“Oh? And what party would that be?” He queried as his thumbs began to rub gentle circles on her hips.

“My housewarming party. Last time we were in LA, Ash helped me find a place to move into and get it ready for when we got back from tour.” His lips curved into a big smile.

“Look at you getting you own place,” he teased, lips meeting hers softly, “guess I have a better reason to clean my stuff now.” He murmured against her lips and she nodded in agreement.

“Yes you do. And you also have a reason to get your ass into gear and get breakfast. We’re both hungry and need to do something.” He laughed.

“Fine. But you’re coming with me. That photo from last night has probably done the rounds already. No point in trying to hide us now.”

“Considering that we’re not on tour anymore, I guess so. But I don’t want to be blatantly obvious about it.” She warned him, allowing him to pull her back upstairs to his bedroom.

“Fine.”

As they settled back into a routine, Y/N finally moving her stuff into her new place with the help of the boys, she found herself feeling more at home than she’d ever felt in England.

Her house party only seemed to enhance that as various friends celebrated her move in, amazed she’d managed to keep the move so quiet.

“Ashton helped me find a place and people aren’t willing to go against someone who looks like him. Plus because I wasn’t even moved into the place it was easy enough to get it off public record that I bought the house.”

She did her rounds with the various people, meeting new faces as well. She felt more welcomed as many greeted her with warm hugs and shouts of excitement at the fact she was moved into LA.

Alex especially had words to say, his arm slung around his wife.

“Listen, when I first met you, I just thought you’d be some punk kid, not going to lie. You were not what I expected at all.” He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes taking a swig of her beer.

Her eyes travelled to his bandmates who she’d extended the invite to, the only one declining was Zack, who was in Hawaii at the time.

“Listen, I didn’t expect you to be such a task master, but there you were, cracking the whip, trying to get me to work out that damn order for the album.” She snarked in return, earning laughter from the people surrounding the group.

Michael had slotted himself just behind her, his arm resting around her waist gently.

“Hey, it got you a kickass album, “ Alex fired back, “how is that coming along?”

“They’ve agreed to the twelve songs, six of which have been recorded or at least demoed. I’ve got Christmas off, so I’ll probably lock myself away and work on some more songs, at least get a tune down with the piano or guitar.” She explained with a shrug.

“If you’re lacking company at Christmas, we’re staying in LA this year, so you’re more than welcome to join us. You too, Mike.” Lisa offered and she beamed at the older woman.

“I’ll take you up on the offer. My parents know I can’t constantly fly there and back on a whim at the moment, especially whilst working on the album.” Alex nodded in understanding.

“It’s difficult, but you’ve got us and everyone else here, so you’re not short on guests or even places to go.” Y/N chuckled.

“It’s appreciated, trust me.”

She finally moved along to a few others, keeping a firm grip on Michael’s hand. He didn’t protest as they moved from group to group, talking about the album, the tour and everything in between. She knew this was the best choice she’d made in a long time.

It was after the houseparty, when almost all of the the guests had left, the housewarming gifts left on the dining room table, did she finally pull Michael upstairs, his lips curved up in an amused smile.

His lips were all over her as he pressed her into the bed sheets once their clothing was shed.

His name was the only thing that she could say coherently that night.

Waking up with him the next morning, his skin against hers, she realised how much she actually enjoyed the feeling especially knowing it was his arms she was waking up in.

Their journey to Australia wasn’t too bad. She was mostly jittery when Michael brought her around to his parents.

“I know you’ve already met her, but this is my girlfriend, Y/N.” He introduced the three of them properly, shocking her for a solid minute before her lips grew into this untouchable smile.

“So I’m your girlfriend, huh?” She teased him later that night as they lay together, cuddled tightly. He groaned.

“Would you like me to do a song and dance routine to ask you to be my girlfriend?” He murmured, shifting himself so that he was hovering above her, his lips at her neck.

“No, but clarification would be nice next time.” She breathed, a soft moan escaping as he found her sweet spot.

“Will you, please, be my girlfriend?” He murmured against her skin before pulling away, his eyes searching her face.

“Of course I will, dumbass.” His lips met hers once more.

His parents were easy going and she could see where his laid back nature came from.

“So are your parents going to be at the ARIA’s?” Karen asked the day before the awards show. She smiled ruefully into her cup of tea.

“I wish they were, but the cost of them to fly out was a lot more than I anticipated. So they’re going to be up stupidly early and try to watch a stream. But it’s the thought that counts for me, I know that my dad would’ve been there in a heartbeat if he could.” The two of them traded a quiet giggle as Michael followed in behind his dad, dropping a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“You okay?” He murmured and she nodded her head.

“Yeah, your rehearsal go okay?” Hers had been first thing that day, making her reluctant to leave the warm bed and her boyfriend. When she’d returned, he had already gotten up and left for his own rehearsal.

“Yeah. We’ve also seen the seating. You’re only a few seats away from us. Luke is next to Nicole Kidman.” This made her giggle.

Performing at the ARIA’s was certainly something she’d never expected to be doing, but the way that her song had been received, and seeing even the famous faces singing along, it melted her heart.

It was when she won Best Upcoming Artist that it really struck her that this was an actual event happening.

As she walked by the boys, she hugged all four of them, Michael’s lips lingering on her cheek for a moment before she rushed to the stage, her eyes staring at the award in her hand, shock being the only emotion that she could fully comprehend.

“This time last year, I had no idea where my life was going to go. I’d not long returned from LA I’d been offered the chance of a lifetime to not only record my EP with some incredible people, but I landed myself a record contract and chance of a lifetime. All I had was a finished single that was about to get released to the world and an EP that I was nervous about releasing. But seeing how quickly it gained traction, oh my god. I can only thank the people who have been so supportive of me, John Feldmann, Alex Gaskarth, the boys in 5 Seconds of Summer, my parents who are going to go ballistic over the phone when they see this.” This earned her laughter amongst the crowd.

“Just wow. Thank you so much for this.” She knew that she hadn’t been prepared, she hadn’t expected to win. But she had.

And when Michael found her later on, his smug grin said it all.

“I do believe I can say, I fucking told you so.” He teased her, crouching in front of her. She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up.” She muttered before leaning forward and kissing him quickly.

“So much for not being so blatant?” He teased and she groaned.

“I really don’t care right now. I’m happy. I won an award I didn’t think I’d even be nominated for. Literally a year ago I was a nobody.”

“And look at you now. I’m telling you, your own world tour will be next.” This made her laugh as she shook her head and they were called back to their own seats.

True to prediction, her parents called her, her mum screaming in excitement and her dad rattling off about how proud he was. Michael had his arms around her as she felt the tears roll down her cheeks. This was what made the move worth it.

The news did its round of their kiss, and she knew that there would be plenty of articles trashing her, but she cared less when they returned to LA, his hand in hers as they left the airport.

“I guess this is making us a thing now?” He teased he as they caught glimpse of another article online. She groaned.

“Pretty sure you need to take me out to dinner first, Clifford. Boyfriend or not.” He laughed.

“So, dinner?”

She could only laugh as he kissed her soundly, her heart racing as she smiled into the kiss. Things would be just fine.

---

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