#and all my thoughts and feelings will therefore be pure and genuine and isnt that what art is about?

[fox-mulder-gets-pegged]

Devastated that I lost this cover letter I wrote for a job application a few years ago bc tbh it was a work of art which is funny bc I was applying to work at an art gallery.

[jaal-ama-daravv]

Dragon Age: The Veilguard Review

i need to put my thoughts into words so hear it goes - dragon age veilguard review

keep in mind my playthrough was the following -

female, elf, mourn watch, romanced emmrich, solavellan import, completed 90%.

full spoilers below - you have been warned!

ill add to this if I think of anything through my next playthrough

Combat

Im gonna cop it for this but I fucking loved it. Its literally fantasy Mass Effect Andromeda. and I have ALWAYS, FUCKING HATED STAFFS FOR A MAGE. Now im a mage ninja and im in heaven.

1000/10

Story

Ill keep this short in a few words -

This is if Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, and Dragon Age 2 had a lovechild. Mass Effect 2 ending choices and companion focus, Mass Effect 3 cinematics with pizazz and impact, Dragon Age 2 haha and compantion depth.

I was genuinely in shock for some outcomes/consequences but other times im like, what, is that IT. looking at you lucanis personal quest

I wish they put more weight on the 'this may be my final mission' but I digress.

The pace was good.

minimal cameos????? I feel bad for anyone who romanced someone in inquisition that wasnt dorian or solas

I was violently sobbing at numerous points and cheering at others. The choices I made, made a difference.

7/10

Solavellan/Solas

Bioware did a good job. They ticked every fucking box for ME personally when it came to the reunion and the ending.

I called it when I said that Solas would turn around and go 'vhenan'.

also talking love to eachother in elvhen? jesus fuck my heart.

I will add that at times i felt like the game was pushing me to hate solas, where if you are coming in from a solavellan experience, can be offputting

I do think they couldve added more OOMPF to solas and his regrets. like one regret about the inquisitor, or mention. but solas keeping his vhenan card close to his chest till the end made me fucking cry like a baby so

regardless, 10/10

Romance w/ Emmrich

I LOVED this romance. It was very well written and suave. The main choice in Emmrich's personal quest does have an impact and I love that. I chose for Emmrich to choose mortality over lichdom in a 'face your fears' type of way.

the romance scene is quirky. sad boy hours there is no naked emmrich.

long story short, sacrificing lichdom causes Emmrich to clench up more and insists that he is a burden to you due to the age difference. The romance still continues but in the LICH path, Emmrich expresses that he is afraid to mourn you for eternity. which i think is way hotter. PLUS. I can HC that my rook seeks lichdom too.

The argument scene has left a hole in my heart

9/10

devastated there is like FOUR WORDS in the epilogue about any romance.

therefore, 8/10

im tired of writing fanfcition bioware just give it to me in game

argument scene

Epilogue

Now this, I have an issue with. It is way too vague. There is no mention of what the companions get up to next, and minimal mention of the world state following the final quest. I mainly remember it just telling me the story isnt over. It is pure sequel baiting, which they couldve still done AND mentioned brief 'what the got up to'. BUT, I shouldnt be too surprised considering this happened with Inquisition as well. Also, huge set up for Rook to be the protagonist in the next game too. WHERE IS THE EPILOGUE SCREEN ABOUT WHAT THEY GET UP TO. I cant with it. Don't get me started on the sequel baiting for a BIG BAD guy in the secret post credit scene where they claim to control all the whacked out characters in the past.

5/10

~~

this is mainly me ranting and/or loving it and my personal views after my initial playthrough

i also love bioware where I will play everything they put out and be thankful I am recieiving something, but do wish they would learn from their mistakes.

[safetycar-restart]

hiii!! i come to you with a logan and oscar idea, poly or separate, idc. so it’s established that what leads to oscar joining logan and his dom is logan finding him in subspace but alternatively going with the past d/s au, what if logan knew that oscar had this horrible dom and it shattered his heart everytime he thought about it like “i have a good dom, why can’t oscar? oscars good too, why can’t he have good things?”

so this leads to Logan talking to his dom about oscar and his dom saying yes because well all oscar and Logan really want is to be good, at their cores they are good boys. so logan finds oscar and that time and brings him with him back to his dom and at this point they are both sobbing, oscar from his bad drop with his (team assigned) dom and logan because once again he can’t really rationalize in this headspace that oscar can’t have as good a dom as he does. so you end up talking with both of them when they are out of subspace and coming to an agreement that oscar is now your sub. i think that with logan being collared it might cause some issues like internally for oscar, especially when he enters subspace like “am i not good enough to be collared too?” :(. which of course he is and you end up having to have a long conversation with oscar about how you love him just as much as you love logan. and thought number 2 which is far less developed: what do you think logan is like as a little? cause i personally see him as being more laidback, kind of like max but with less trauma. but he still has his moments unlike when he’s not little, little!logan is wayyyyyyyy more hurt by you (his mommy/daddy) talking to other littles. ESPECIALLY ones he feels like are better than him. he’s always afraid you’re going to leave him for a “better” little. feel free to add any of your thoughts (also sorry for any mistakes, english is my third language) -love 🎾anon

Firstly, please know that you guys can always send ideas that don't merge with the 'canon' of our verses! Nothing is set in stone and I love exploring different ideas. Anyway, I love this so much.

I love how pure Logan is about it? He's really just there like 'I good boy, I have good dom. But Oscar good boy? Why no good dom for Oscar? MUST FIX" and that's it. That's far as the plan goes.

He's long since decided that when it comes to anything to do with scening and dynamics, it is your problem. Ever since you collared him, he kinda just tells you his vague thoughts and lets you do the rest cause you're his dom and he trusts you.

So with this, he thought no further than the fact that Oscar deserves a better dom and you are a better dom therefore you must dom Oscar and him together.

Of course you say yes when Logan brought it up to you. Not only because you would do anything to make Logan never look so sad again, but also because you genuinely love Oscar and it breaks your heart to know he's not getting what he needs.

You except Oscar to be upset when he comes to you, but you don't Logan to also be in a breakdown. Logan is just crying and hugging Oscar, mumbling that it isnt fair! Oscar should be with you and him, not some terrible mclaren dom!

Of course hearing this makes Oscar cry even more, because he wants what you and Logan have so bad.

You don't actually scene with them properly, because you havent been able to talk to Oscar about his limits yet and because they're both far too upset. Maybe you let them kneel for you? They get to kneel right next to each other, their legs pressed against each other and they can even hold hands. Within ten minutes they've formed a cuddle pile at your feet and honestly it's just the cutest?

You've got two good boys cuddling at your feet, looking up at you for praise and reassurance.

Oscar spends the night, cuddles between you and Logan and has the best sleep he's had in a long time. You discuss everything in the morning and all of three you realise that Oscar needs to also be your sub.

So that's what happens.

But yeah Oscar definitely has a problem with Logan having a collar, and it's actually so difficult for him to workout what his problem even is? Because he's not upset that Logan is collared, he's happy! He loves watching you and Logan together, and his heart would break if you took Logan's collar away.

But at the same time, his heart just aches sometimes? Cause he... he wants a collar too. He wants to really feel like he belongs to you.

And I think Logan feels really guilty about that? He can see that it's upsetting Oscar and he doesn't know what to do. Oscar just joined, so he knows it's too early for Oscar to be collared, but he also knows that there's no way in hell he's going to take his collar off around Oscar. He hasn't been without a collar for over three years and he's not about to start now, it would break him.

Maybe you get Oscar a play collar? A collar that he only wears during scenes and that he can request to wear around the house too. He can't put his own play collar on, it has to be you that does it and if you aren't there, then it can be Logan but you must order Logan to do it.

Oscar ADORES his play collar, and pretty soon he's always wearing it around the house.

Within two months he's gotten his own day collar, because once he knows what it's like to wear your collar, he doesn't ever want to stop.

Maybe Oscar and Logan get each other bracelets? So it's like they've kinda collared each other too.

LITTLE!LOGAN:

I'm not gonna spend too much time on this because of how long the d/s au idea was, but I do want to say this: I love the idea that he's jealous?

He's actually a pretty independent little, happy to watch cartoons and drink from his sippy cup while you work or chat to another caregiver but the moment you even look at another little, he's pouting and whining and fussing. HE'S your baby boy, no one else!

(Except... except he doesn't mind when you look after Oscar.)

[idcpxseur]

so lets start from the beginning

so lets talk pdh, right? cuz thats the very beginning. for the most part, im planning to leave s1 of pdh alone aside from upping the intensity of the bullying (to make it more realistic) and just generally feel more like a teen slice of life drama rather than a harem anime where the protag chooses the shittiest love interest imaginable.

im also adding some mental health stuff just to generally make this more realistic! so lets get into it, this is the structure of my pdh rewrite!

Let's start with our leading lady, shall we?

Aphmau Shalashaska is a 14 year old freshman girl who has been homeschooled starting from fourth to eighth grade. She starts the series off as naive, though not as innocent as many people believe. She is known as the school's sweetheart, though many people suspect that she hides her intentions with a saccrine smile. To the people who know her, though, they know that her words are true and her motivations are pure. She is a light in many people's darkness, though her own world is casted in shadow...

basically i changed little to nothing about aphmau's character, aside from changing the years she was homeschooled. i decided to make her more sheltered but not completely sheltered.

i think i'm going to tweak her backstory to make it make more sense. i want her to actually (kind of) know about her father. he sends sylvanna (barely any) child support for her, to which sylvanna just gives it to aphmau directly because it isnt enough to actually do anything with.

im also going to ramp up the bullying and make it actually effect her and how she interacts with people, especially her love interests and friends.

the ending arc for aphmau in s1 is that she grows more confident and learns to rely on her friends when she's having difficulties with things. she wont end up with any of her love interests, but the trio end up extremely close. her and aaron will also end up extremely close and he will be introduced to the friendgroup (i dont like how theyre all kind of seperate) but he'll kind of be the "friend by proxy" because it will take a little longer for them to warm up (not anyone's fault, aaron is just... harder to befriend because he's an awkward dude)

as for her realtionships, here's my general plan for them (i had to split it up so aaron, laurence, and garroth under the cut!!)

Aaron

"It's weird. I thought those two hated each other. But now they seem inseparable. I just don't get it."

"Aaron? Yeah he's pretty weird. He has this whole dark and broody thing going on but he's such a squishy soul! He's like a pitbull! ...People think I hate him? Why would I hate my best friend?"

Aphmau is going to have more of a brother/sister relationship with aaron, they will NOT be the endgame ship of this rewrite. i detailed this in my pinned post, but i will reiterate: i do NOT like aarmau for the creepy, predatory way it is written. therefore i will just simply not include it in my rewrite. dont like it, dont have to read it <3

their story arc will stay largely the same. they meet online as FC/Shu (although i probably will change their nicknames because those are LAME) and meet irl in werewolf class. despite aaron defending her in person, they heavily dislike each other and bicker constantly. aph doesnt know she becomes the alpha female and aaron doesnt know that she is the girl that he's been talking to this whole time.

as FC and Shu they become thick as thieves, absolute partners in crime. they ARE aware of their age gap and there is no romantic feelings. they see each other as siblings and treat each other as such. they banter and bicker and fight but they genuinely care for each other. "i hate you, FC!!!" "i love you too, shu" becomes a daily part of their conversations.

Garroth

"He's so stoic, but around her... He becomes so gentle that it almost feels like he's a different person. She's his world."

"I think everyone but Aphmau herself sees the way he looks at her."

garroth is the first person to fall in love with aphmau. he stays quiet about his feelings for fear of ruining their friendship although he does quietly dream of something more.

garroth was always the first person that aphmau called on. his quiet and more serious demeanor was sought out as a comforting shoulder to listen to. before they knew that they were childhood friends, they had always described themselves as "platonic soulmates" (the word platonic made garroth internally wither and die but he kept that smile)

after, though? they were practically joined at the hip. partly because of their mothers and partly because they just wanted to. there was a select amount of boys that sylvanna allowed in her house (the only others being dante and travis, after many trials of proving that they ONLY have platonic feeligns for her daughter and NOTHING more) and the only boy that doesnt get her heavy surveillance

and that's how aphmau falls. breaking down his serious walls and getting to see his silly and goofy side that he keeps hidden made her fall before she even realized that she was falling

Laurence

"There he goes again, another girl wrapped around his finger."

"Laurence? He's so sweet and gentle! Sure, he's a big flirt, but he means well. I know that he would be by my side if I ever needed him."

if garroth's love is a gentle misty rain, laurence's is a fucking typhoon. strong and loud and passionate. he doesnt fall as fast. he even teases garroth about falling for someone so easily, but he very quickly learns why garroth fell so hard.

when laurence discovers his feelings, he immediately made it incredibly obvious. however, if aphmau flirted back, he'd become a blushing mess.

there was always boundaries with his flirting when they were friends. he never touched her, not in a way that could be seen as romantic. his hands always stayed firmly to themselves. but once he falls? he cant keep his hands off of her (nonsexually, obviously). constant shoulder touches, brushes of the hand that he plays off "oh aphmau if you wanted to hold my hand, you could've just asked!"

cupping her chin and cheeks, leaning in close so he gets an excuse to admire her face. the list goes on and on.

aphmau notices this, but she just thinks that theyre getting closer as friends. what makes her fall for him, however, was his gentleness. he was always the first person to tell her that she was beautiful, how kind she was, how thoughtful she was. he was her #1 fan, her absolute cheerleader. she had never had someone tell her that and now to hear it constantly made her heart flutter.

unlike garroth, she realized that she was falling for him pretty quickly. and that was about the time she realized her feelings for garroth, too.

[gizkasparadise]

kdrama rec: arthdal chronicles

Master Kdrama rec list.

Series: Arthdal Chronicles/Chronicles of Arthdal Episodes: 18 (with an opening for another season) SEASON 2 IS ON! (one..day) Genres: fantasy, pseudo-historical, politics, romance, action/adventure/Quests Spoilers in the Review: yes regarding one character :/ they’re a main and their existence is a spoiler If You Like, You’ll Like: spartacus, REVERSE HAREMS, villain couples with functional macbeth realness, male characters with hair better than the female characters, but female characters generally being far far more competent, moon lovers but not as sad, dictatorships for the Aesthetic, blood+, anything with Mystic God Priest Power, Destiny

Rank: 10/10

“owning the land is equal to owning the sky and the wind.”

Premise (spoilers for the first episode and the existence of a major character).

in the pseudo-Bronze Age, two races of people (the sarams and the neanthals) live in an uneasy co-existence. the sarams want an alliance for the neanthal’s lands so that they can farm and mine, the neanthals are like lol we don’t need any of that because we actually have survivalist skills so keep your agriculture you nerds b y e.

the leader of the saram is Not Having That, and sends an envoy (asa hon) to allegedly act as a diplomat. what she actually does is unknowingly carries a plague that wipes out a huge chunk of the neanthals. because that is not enough, the leader sends his son (tagon) to wrap up the rest of this genocide.

asa hon is betrayed and upset and doesn’t return to the sarams. instead, she shacks up with a surviving neanthal named ragaz and they have spoilers twin boys spoilers, hybrids known as igutu. based on Prophecy, any children born under the blue flame comet are Destined to bring calamity. so, doom babies. they are two doom babies.

after killing ragaz, tagon snatches one of the babies For Reasons, and asa hon flees with the other

flashforward about a decade.

the neanthals are extinct OR ARE THEY we get a pretty Quick understanding of who tagon is as a human as he’s re-introduced drinking out of one of their skulls before being surrounded by his hypemen who chant his name Gaston style. he’s joined by taeahla, and they are a Match Made in Hell. it’s quickly revealed that taeahl is raising the other twin baby, who is kept hidden because he’s igutu. and, like, tagon’s famous because he killed all of the neanthal, so having one of their hybrid babies is ngl

asa hon makes it to a land beyond the saram’s influence, where she and eunseom come across a tribe called wahan. they’re lead by a ten-year-old tanya, who had a dream that eunseom would arrive. which is a big deal, because sarams can’t dream. it turns out tanya was also born on Blue Comet Doom Prophecy Day. asa hon dies from the injuries she obtained saving her son, and eunseom is raised by the wahan tribe. it’s a very idyllic existence for them.

until tagon and his men invade in a manifest-destiny-realness bid to capture slaves and conquer land and ruin wahan’s coachella festival before enslaving all of them and bringing what survives of the tribe to arthdal.

the plot then centers around eunseom trying to rescue the wahan tribe, the wahan tribe trying to survive arthdal, and something about gods being reborn, political backstabbing, a church cult being absolute dicks, and a lot of interchangeable evil old men

it’s a fucking awesome show.

Characters.

Eunseom

A PRECIOUS BEAN BABY

eunseom’s been a part of the wahan tribe since he was ten, but everyone (especially him) is aware he’s Different From The Rest of the Reindeer. the only one who treats him the same is tanya, and it’s clear these two are joined at the hip. he has dreams of being locked away in a tower, has a bunch of ~strange~ ideas like trying to ride horses, and is totes crushing on the soon-to-be village wise woman. once the wahan village is attacked, he makes it his mission to save the tribe and his One True Love tanya

pure. does not think things through. just wants to believe in people, god damn it.

tanya

my wife daughter of the wahanian version of “crazy old maurice,” and apprentice to the Great Mother of the Tribe. as another child born under the Doom Comet, she’s been known as the Prophesied One since birth (the One Who Will Break the Shell). we meet her as she’s struggling to follow in the Great Mother’s footsteps, and her journey is grounded in uncovering her mystical destiny. naive and a fish out of water, she leads her people in surviving arthdal after their enslavement

moves like jagger. center of a reverse harem. by her pretty flower crown she can end you

tagon

this bitch but also that bitch. almost single-handedly responsible for the genocide of the neanthals, tagon’s grown into the leader of an army that is the definition of ride-or-die for him. he has a 100% approval rating in arthdal due to defeating the neanthal, defeating the ago tribe, and defeating the will to live for the thousands of slaves he supplies for arthdal’s terrible economic system. he starts the series off with Pure Intentions, in that he wants to rule but he wants to do it by The Love of The People. because that works out well for people who habitually wear black cloaks

poster child #1 for arthdal’s fantastic hair products for men, will smirk you to death, you feel sorry for him a lot and you’re like why?? but then yeaaah, can only stare in heart eyes at his partner in subterfuge...

taeahla

MY WIFE said partner in subterfuge. i cannot spell her fucking name ever. her and tagon have been Not Together for over ten years. she’s the heiress to the hae tribe, who are known for their inventions and are the only tribe that knows how to smith bronze into weapons. therefore she’s hot shit. and also just hot. she seems like the character You’re Not Going to Like but she became one of my favorites after the first episode.

she wants to help tagon in his ambitions, but she also v much wants to see his ambitions help herself. her and tagon made an Oath to never sacrifice their survival for the other and that’s the most metal thing i’ve ever heard. she wears couture. would get a pre-nup. can and will fuck you up. and she also raises the Hidden Igutu Twin Doom Baby...SPOILERS

saya

so at this point you’re probably thinking a few things: this show needs more beautiful hair and pro fashion sense, a complete shit stirrer, and a morally ambiguous pretty boy.

well well well

saya is eunseom’s twin brother, although neither of them know about the other’s existence. because of their neanthal blood, they can see snapshots of each other’s lives in their dreams. as his existence would lead to death, and would DEFINITELY garner tagon some bad PR, saya’s been locked away in his princess tower for the majority of his life. he views tagon and taeahla as his father and mother, and that’s not necessarily a good thing.

daddy’s boy. wants to kill birds for fun. has the hots for the girl who can teach him how to kill birds for fun. surprisingly religious???

Other support characters selected by how much they are my favorites.

mubaek. an OG warrior and tired wine uncle

chae eun. daughter of the somehow singular doctor in arthdal and the only one who actually wants to help people. INCREDIBLE knit wear

xabara WARRIOR QUEEN OF A TRIBE OF MERMEN

yangcha. like. just look at him. you already know he was your favorite character in the 923840923 angsty anime you watched in 2010. Ultimate Warrior for tagon who has Taken a Vow of Silence and Wears A Half Mask So You Know He’s Actually Hot. the mask is torn off his face dramatically at least once. there’s a quota for that kind of thing, you know

this horse.

Drawbacks.

it’s very much an Ensemble show, which means if you’re only watching for 1-2 characters you’re likely going to get frustrated. there’s several plot lines going on

there’s a lot of Interchangeable Evil Old Men and i dont care about any of them

IT ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER AND SEASON 2 ISNT CONFIRMED YET ISNT GONNA BE UNTIL LIKE 2022

Reasons to Watch.

WORLD BUILDING. im a huge nerd for world building and the lore in this makes me so happy.

AESTHETICS. find me a more beautiful cast with more beautiful scenery and costumes. you can’t.

i love?? all the leads???? like normally i get frustrated with the second leads in dramas, but i genuinely love all of them and was interested in all of their stories. this show has an incredible cast/set of actors and they bring it home

im a sucker for romance. there’s some great ones. and omg do you know how rare it is to see a reverse harem?! get it, tanya

the time era is cool!!

Gods doing Mystical God Shit

so many female characters!!!!!! AND NONE OF THEM FIGHT OVER A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY’RE ALL BETTER AT THEIR JOBS

Final Thoughts.

WATCH THE THING

IT’S ON NETFLIX

[marvel-lously]

Cartoons

Words: 1100

Pairing: avengers x reader

Warnings: none

A/N: As promised, I am now finally posting the requested fic. I’m so sorry I haven’t written anything recently. I find myself often preoccupied, and even when I do have time, my mind is filled with hundreds of ideas that I just can’t seem to put into words. I promise I will try to write more. Please reblog if you like this.

This was the request:

Can you do a avengers x reader where the reader voiced a bunch of cartoon characters and the avengers don't know. So one day, they are playing a game together which is you get a card and it says any cartoon characters name and they have to a impersonation of that character and the avengers have to guess and when reader gets a charachter that she voiced and avengers are comfused why she sounds so much like the character? P.s. she's an avenger

P.S. I´m posting this again because I´ve noticed that it didn´t appear in the search results before. I´m so sorry, I don´t know why tumblr is messing it up again.

Taggs: @supersoldierfreak @mandatheredpanda @ryleighisapanda@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @angeliceverything@itsbuckysworld @thats-so-bucky @hufflebucky 

“Okay, okay… my turn.” Wanda happily chimed as she already stretched out her hand to grab the next card.

She coughed before she stood up confidently, starting to swiftly dance around the room and sing.

“Let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back any more-“ she nearly tripped on the chair behind her, nevertheless continuing to sing completely off tune, yet still at the top of her lungs “-let it go, let it go, turn away and slam the door. Here I stand and here I stay. Let the storm rage on. Cold never bothered me anyway.” She finished her performance by swinging her hand just like Elsa did in the movie.

You and the entire team started applauding her. »What an astounding performance Ms. Maximoff« Tony joked.

»Thank you, I live to entertain.« Wanda grinned and bowed mockingly.

You were playing a game where you picked a card with one of the famous Disney character’s name on it and you had to impersonate that character. Whoever made the best impression, got to choose one of the other’s most prized possession and keep them for one day.

»Who wants to try next?« Nat claped her hands giddily, excitment clear in her voice.

»I’ll go!« Sam snickered before he started his impersonating. He leaned back, standing in what seemed to be the most unstable position one could master then started talking as if he had had at least five bottles of rum that day.

»Crazy people don’t know the’re crazy. I know I’m crazy therefore I’m not crazy. Isnt that crazy?« He slurred his words as much as he could, waving his hands frantically in the air.

The entire room burst out laughing, clapping and whistling while Sam stil continued on with the show. »Did everyone see that? ‘Cause I will not be doing it again.« After finishing that line, he too, took a bow and laughed along.

»A striking act of Jack Sparrow indeed.« Tony continued to narrate.

»Captain Jack Sparrow.« The entire team shouted at once.

»I want to go next.« Rhodey cleared his throat before doing his impersonation of Donald Duck. He was surprisingly good at it too.

Then next went Scott, impersonating Minnie Mouse.

»You know, it’s scary how your voice can reach such high octaves you know?« Bucky teased.

»Hey, sometimes having to entertain your daughter while being on house arrest can be challanging, you have no idea to what extents I had to go, learning how to talk like somebody’s squeezing my balls just so I could do the princesses’ voices when reading a story isn’t even half of it, but hey, it comes in handy at moments like this.« He chuckled.

»Okay Y/n, wanna go next?« Steve asked, seeing as it was only the two of you left, who hadn’t ˝performed˝yet.

»Sure.« You smiled, pulling the card off the deck. This one was going to be easy, you had done it a hundred times before. You cleared your throat and took a deep breath in before words just naturally rolled off your tongue.

»I gave my mum a cake, she turned into a big bear, my own dad tried to do her in, if that’s not pure mess i don’t know what is!« You finished off by plopping dramatically back into your seat on the sofa. However, there was no applause or whistles after that, only a bunch of shocked faces and wide open mouths.

»How… how did you do that?« Wanda asked, a curious tone coloring her words.

»Do what?« You asked, your voice now shy from feeling all the stares on you.

»The… the voice, the Scottish accent, all of it!?« It was now Scott who spoke, his surprise still written all over his face.

“Yeah, this was way to real.” Bucky added.

»Well… I… I used to voice cartoon characters before I became an Avenger.« You explained, a nervous sigh escaping your lungs.

»You what?« Sam, Bucky and Nat all spoke at once.

»Who else beside Merida did you do?« Rhodey questioned.

»Well let’s see…« you had to think for a moment, since it was quite a while ago »I did Ana from Frozen, Tinker Bell, Princess Jasmine, Rapunzel and…«

You were about to continue, before Nat interrupted you.

»Wait… you voiced Rapunzel?« She asked, exhilarated.

»That’s like, my favourite Disney movie ever!«

»Oh really? It was one of my favorite I voiced in.« You smiled at how enthusiastic she seemed to be.

»Alright guys, give her a moment to breathe.« Tony said, stepping towards you and outstretching his hand.

He coughed before swiftly lifting you back into a standing position.

»Ladys and gentleman, I believe, although our initial response might not have shown that, we have a winner!« He lifted your hand up, while everybody around started cheering.

»Hey, what about me? I didn’t even get my turn!« Steve pouted.

»You really think you can compete against that?« Bucky raised his eyebrow in amusment.

»You’re probably right.« He laughed, turning to you. »So.. Y/n, the big question remains, who’s the unlucky victim that will have to give up the thing they hold most dear to their heart for the entire day?«

You looked around the room, thinking about what would be most fun to use for a day.

Steve’s shield? Useful but boring. Nat’s guns? Meh, maybe some other time.Tony’s suit? Tempting.

Finally, it hit you.

»I want Scott’s suit.« You outed after a few seconds of consideration.

»What? Y/n! I thought we were friends.« Scott cluched his chest, acting broken-hearted.

You just snorted in response. »Hey it’s for a higher purpose.«You smirked, mischief seeping from your eyes.

»That being…?« Scott awaited an explanation.

»Getting back at my Maths techer from high school.« You simply said, shrugging your soulders.

»And that counts as higher purpose?« Tony raised his brow bemusedly.

»Well naturally, I will spare all the future generations of kids from having to listen to her and dealing with her inability to teach and that to me is a higher purpose.« You smiled cheekily.

»What are you gonna do? Crawl up her ass and then expand?« Sam joined in on the conversation.

»No, I was actually only thinking about getting an army of ants to her house, seeing as she hates them so much, but now that you’ve mentioned it…«

»Y/n no!« Scott almost stuttered, now semingly genuinely concerned aout his suit.

»Catch me if you can!« You yelled, already sprinting to his room, hearing how Tony shouted after you.

»Don’t let him get you Y/n, avenge the children!«

[lizstaysinneverland]

Loki x Reader One-Shot

I listened to Silent Hill music and when „You‘re not here“ by Akira Yamaoka came on, I thought how fitting this song would be for the reader/ s/o after Loki passed away.

Please excuse my English, it is not my first language therefore I will not be able to always use grammar and spelling correctly. This is my very first fanfiction, please be kind in your critique.

Genre: fluff, angst, one shot

Trigger warning: Death (I’m not sure if this really needs a trigger warning but better be safe than sorry)

Summary: This is set at exactly the same time Thor tells Valkyrie she is the new Queen of Asgard. It is more focused on you than him. You are an Asgardian and have been Thor‘s friend and Loki‘s girlfriend since you all were teenagers. You wanted to have some time to enjoy the sight of New Asgard before you left with the Thor and the Guardians to have a new adventure and reminisced about the past.

You were almost ready to go on board with the Guardians of the Galaxy, as they call themselves. Thor offered you to come with him as he knew you couldn‘t bear being alone after all that. But he needed to talk to Valkyrie as he wished for her to lead Asgard since he knows he isn‘t fit to rule them and she has been the one supporting and guiding the people after you all arrived in New Asgard. So you decided to give Thor and Valkyrie some privacy and went into the fields. You also wanted to have some alone time before you fly off.

„Blue sky to forever The green grass blows in the wind, dancing“

The scene before you was breathtaking, the wind blowing your hair gently giving you a little pleasant chill. You were reminded how beautiful the garden of Odin's castle was. You enjoyed laying in the grass under the tree with Loki, he usually read to you while you admired his features and played with hair or even annoyed him by stroking his face with a feather sometimes. And then Thor would come and interrupt you because he wanted you to have „more enjoyable merrymaking“ than reading. But you honestly loved nothing more than just that.

„It would be a much better sight with you, with me“

You couldn‘t help but let out a small laugh, if he‘d be here he‘d make fun of you for reminiscing about such useless memory. But you wished he‘d be here, seeing that everything is going to be fine for Asgard. That New Asgard is a wonderful place, even if it cannot compare to the glory of the original Asgard. He‘d be pouty about Valkyrie becoming the new Queen and you and Thor would have to give him the special treatment to make him feel better about it. He just loved the attention even if he would have never admitted it.

„If you hadn't met me, I'd be fine on my own, baby Never felt so lonely, then you came along“ You felt your heart ache and smiled bitterly. You haven‘t thought about him in a while, as you distracted yourself by helping out Valkyrie and then the Avengers. But now you are alone, only hearing the wind softly howling. You felt the hole he left in your heart more than ever. There were times were you wished you hadn‘t met him, you hadn‘t fallen in love with him. So you wouldn‘t be feeling this immense agony over his death even after 5 years. There is a loneliness when you wake up and realize yet again that he isnt here and will never come back.

„So now what should I do? I'm strung out, addicted to you My body aches, now that you're gone My supply fell through“

You don‘t know what to do, how to make it stop. You keep distracting yourself by working yourself to the bone, by trying not to think, not to feel. You have to move on, you know that…but how? Perhaps that was why you accepted Thor‘s offer. To find something to fill this hole inside you.

“You gladly gave me everything you had and more You craved my happiness When you made me feel joy it made you smile

But now I feel your stress”

The first time you met Loki, he had caught you trying to steal from a neighbour while he was out on the streets, trying to get away from the usual life at the castle. You wanted to get back at him for making fun of you when you fell headfirst into the mud. You were trying to get back the sword you trained with and as clumsy as you were, you managed to slip and your neighbour saw you. When Loki aw you and made his presence clear, you immediately tried to lie your way out of this which made him laugh. This surprised you, as you thought the Prince would be more upset about such impertinent behaviour. He told you then, he had a better idea and you went along with it, wondering what the Prince would come up with. When your neighbour came home, Loki made vines appear out of the ground and chase him around a bit. Obviously it was just an illusion but the fear and confusion in his eyes made you feel so much better. Loki and you laughed wholeheartedly and you thanked him genuinely. He was surprised by that and told you that he was just bored and this was a welcome distraction for him to hide his embarrassment. You smiled at him and told him he was a genius and no matter why he helped you, you loved the show and his illusions were fascinating and so real. With his trademark grin he told you that it shouldn’t come as a surprise, he was Odin's son after all. Thinking back on it, you realized that you must have already fallen for him back then. You two met more often and quickly became infatuated with each other. He loved seeing you have fun, even more when he was the cause of your joy. He made you help him pull off his shenanigans because he knew you wanted to take part in his schemes. You were happy with him by your side and he loved to give you everything you wanted even though the only thing you asked for was his time and love. You cherished the time he spent with you more than anything. Until he became more obsessed with his brother due to him getting crowned instead of Loki. Not that he truly wanted the throne but he didn’t agree with Thor becoming a king when he was still not “good enough” in Loki’s eyes. You spent less and less time with your beloved boyfriend Loki. You felt his stress, his anger and you were incapable of reaching his heart. When it came to Thor he was always jealous of the love and attention he got. You started to wonder, would things have gone different if you tried more harder? If you had been more strict with him, if you had sit down and really talked about this issue? Would his fate been any different? Would you even been able to reach his heart or was he destined to die?

“Love was never meant to be such a crazy affair, no And who has time for tears? Never thought I'd sit around and cry for your love 'Till now”

Having those grim thoughts, tears fell down your cheeks. The inability to help him, to prevent his death is the biggest regret you could and will ever have. Your love was so pure and earnest, you thought you two would end up travelling the universe together, having fun with our shenanigans and loving each other until you are both old enough to die of old age. But fate had something else in mind. But here you are, alone, crying in the fields while wondering why love hurts so much.

You hear your name being called and turn around. It seems Thor is finished and waiting for you. You quickly wipe away your tears, knowing that there is a future you have while Loki doesn’t. So you have to live to the fullest, even if it is gonna be hard. You take one quick glance back and think you see Loki smiling at you, but he’s already gone after you blinked once. You smiled and rushed to Thor’s side. Everything will sort itself out, as long as you believe that, you will be alright one day.

[candyclan]

My HONEST opinion of Kalvin Garrah

Kalvin talks about how the reaction videos he does are purely based off his opinions and they aren’t meant to actually hurt people. While I feel like yes, that may not be his intent, he takes information from what he thinks he knows about them from what they say and draws wrongful conclusions. He applies the logic “well if you were really trans, you’d do XYZ” which is honestly not okay. Just because he feels like “he’s protecting the trans community” doesn’t give him the right to invalidate people he’s never even seen or talked to irl. That being said, I do think he is correct that there are people who do not experience dysphoria and therefore do not have a legitimate reason to transition (physically) who do, and realize it’s a mistake (that’s why there’s detransition videos out there). This is tragic, and honestly, could very well reflect badly on our community because of how conservatives may take it.

Kalvin promotes the idea that seeing a psychologist is SO important before physically transitioning and altering your body in PERMANENT ways. He also promotes that before settling on “Yup I’m trans” you should rule out every other possible explanation for issues with your body: like body dysmorphia or an eating disorder etc. I feel as if he has contempt for people who are identifying as transgender and don’t actively try to alleviate their dysphoria. I agree with a lot of people who are fairly neutral on this topic that there isn’t a really clear cut defined definition of what dysphoria feels like other than “discomfort” toward gendered aspects of what you were assigned at birth. For Kalvin because his dysphoria is so strong, he uses it as an identifier of his trans identity and an UN-identifier for others. Just because he experiences an extreme does not mean every trans person experiences that extreme as well, and it could be a manageable discomfort, almost like a paper cut (while still uncomfortable, and totally legitimate) compared to a bullet wound in his case.

Because dysphoria is so subjective, it isn’t fair to label someone as a “transtrender” just entirely and solely on how someone looks on the outside. They may have a higher sense of self-esteem than Kalvin did because of how heavily his dysphoria affects him. This may mean that while they identify genuinely as being trans and probably do actually experience dysphoria (even minor) they choose their preferred gender expression over the idea of “passing”. I understand this because I actually have some really stereotypical “feminine clothes” that actually cause me dysphoria to wear but I wear them anyway cause fuck people. The reason I have such a soft heart towards him is because he and I have a shit ton of things in common and also I watched him cry on his YouTube channel. Legit sob. I see his human in all of this. I see his flawed thinking, and his less than perfect expectations of “gender presentation” as a reflection of his own internal monologue “well I can’t wear this because it makes me look girly”

While I have those thoughts too, a LOT, I never project them on to people the way he does in the videos he makes of the “transtrenders” <—- the reason I put this in quotes is because I hate that word (and he admits he hates it too) there should be a nicer way of politely saying you used to identify as trans or thought you were, but actually aren’t. “Transtrenders” has such a negative base to it because it implies the individuals gender identity is illegitimate and perhaps a phase. While I actually do think there are people who may be confused and do mistakenly identify as being transgender, we should never imply another person is this because that’s FUCKED UP. ESPECIALLY IF YOU DONT PERSONALLY KNOW THAT PERSON TO A HEAVY EXTENT. Claiming, like Kalvin does, to have the “criteria to know if someone else is trans” is fucking bullshit. He makes a good point about it being in our brains and there ARE actually studies that prove that is a legitimate thing, he pushes so hard for it to be seen as a mental health issue so “Real Trans People™️” can be provided healthcare. He has correlated it to a mental health issue, and while I personally think: “Idgaf what it’s called just let me have it covered through insurance.” The fact that you would never in a million years tell someone they aren’t depressed/have anxiety because their symptoms aren’t as bad as yours or they don’t experience it the same way, that’s literally what he’s doing to trans people AND IT is FUCKED.

All of that aside, I didn’t know what being a transmed really was until I saw his videos. I didn’t have any real idea how little sense it made that if you don’t have dysphoria...how can you be trans? I hate how there’s such a stigma on the internet about how dysphoria is rooted in EXTREME MEGA DISCOMFORT when in reality, I can safely say in complete confidence that I didn’t have that huge issue like he did. I have top dysphoria but not so much bottom (unless I’m on shark week and then wellllll....death 0.0) ITS okay to not “hate” what you were given, and be in a better mind space about it than other people because WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT and experience dysphoria in different ways and we are all valid as fuck. I feel as if because so many people can experience body dysphoria and social dysphoria in so many ways literally in as many ways as there are people, in order for it to be considered a mental health issue and be covered by insurance there’s this push to try to come up with what dysphoria ISNT instead of the variety of experiences that is gender dysphoria.

So, in general, my thing is, only the individual can really tell (just like in depression and anxiety) whether or not they’re dysphoric based off their own feelings they have toward their AGAB and how it affects them. It’s almost as if he’s just like every other asshole out there that thinks their opinion matters because they’ve gone through SO MANY STEPS to be trans. His transtrender videos really are demonetized, and he claims to not do it for clickbait or shock factor to get people to watch it and that it’s his raw, unfiltered opinion about an issue he actually genuinely does care about a lot. I personally think the videos need to be taken down because it makes him look so much worse than he really is, and honestly what if the person that he’s talking about in those videos actually was trans and they killed themselves because of the hate his supporters dished. Showing their channel and saying that they don’t have dysphoria (in Kalvin’s eyes) labels them a target to abuse from the people that support Kalvin, whether or not that is his intent. I understand why this could upset someone. This upsets me. I feel a personal connection to someone that is using legitimate facts and points to validate his conclusion that some are worthy (that fit his personal idea of what being trans is) and some aren’t (those that don’t) this being said: That is not all that he is, I promise you. I believe “transtrender” is a thing dear god I’m highly uncomfortable with that word but there isn’t another one to use. I would never LABEL someone a transtrender under any circumstances because to do so would be honestly disrespectful to that persons identity and honestly denying their right to explore who they are. So what if you think you’re trans and then realize later that you weren’t??? As long as you didn’t medically transition, you literally didn’t do anything but explore who you are. It is never okay in my mind to label someone as that, especially if you don’t personally believe in how the person chooses to identify because like I said there’s as many ways to experience dysphoria and a disconnect towards your AGAB as there are people. It comes in different severities and different people prioritize change towards specific parts moreso than others.

That being said if you know you are 1000000% comfortable with your assigned gender at birth (not just learned to tolerate certain things/choose to accept the hand you’re dealt or live with it like me and my vag- how some trans people can), why would identify as being transgender? It’s when this “choice to go with the hand your dealt thing” really gets to Kalvin because he can’t imagine is transition being without the whole kitten kaboodle. Is perception of his gender honestly is a huge reason he can’t see why non-binary AFAB people could ever learn to embrace/tolerate certain aspects of their body. I don’t think he fully understands that binary gender roles that may moreso apply to TRANSGUYS don’t apply to non-binary people.

Non-binary people literally do not identify with one gender binary over another, so Kalvin has a hard time understanding them. It is important to note however, he still respects people even if he doesn’t understand. If he didn’t respect non-binary people as a whole, he would be preaching about how “non-binary isn’t even a thing” because he tends to NEED to think in logical terms with facts and data like the similar brain thing (mtf brains=more like cis female ftm=more like cis males) it becomes hard for him to understand the struggles of non-binary people. Non-binary people don’t fit his “mold” so to speak. Perhaps it’s because he once was a “non-binary SJW” in the past and then pulled a 180 and turned into this literal person that tells other people they aren’t trans even though he’s never met them irl and knows next to nothing about them. It’s funny how he claims that detransitioners turn into TERFS when his transition, which was supposed to help his mental state (perhaps it did idk), had him go from non-binary to low key for all intents and purposes a gatekeeper. He from his perspective claims to know it all because he’s trans. Consider this analogy: being transgender is like trauma. People can be united in that they suffer from it or that it affects them, but everyone’s situation is unique amongst all others so everyone has different “triggers”. I’m sorry if this analogy offended you it’s just I was trying to make sense of it the best I could in my mind

@kalvingarrah

[robynsheart]

2019, thank you but definitely next.

2019 has definitely been really weird. I think what's even more weird about it is how, just a second ago it was January and now we're bidding goodbye to it. It feels like it was an absolute blur and as much as I'd like to claim that I was fully present and really living my best life, I did most things just so I can say iv done them. It was fun, I won't lie but I sometimes wonder if the intent was ever really pure. Nonetheless I needed this year for healing, I never thought I would be able to get back on my feet, I'm not fully back but just regaining something within myself that I feel I had lost. Something as simple as humor and just the lightweight feeling of not taking life too seriously - I could also credit that to wine😂 but you get what I'm saying.

Another weird thing about 2019 was how I couldn't hide my own vulnerability to myself. As someone who is really open and about self awareness, I am really not about vulnerability. I would often look at how vulnerable my mother is with me with judgment, to some extent it reflected how I think people respond when you are vulnerable. I am afraid of becoming to vulnerable with people because of judgment obviously, but this year my entire self started a process without my permission to ACT OUT when I try to hide how I feel. Every negative feeling that has gone unnoticed or even ignored has manifested itself in ways I couldn't even imagine and iv experienced so much hate and anger that iv never experienced in my entire existence. I don't know how to fully process the negative things which are bound to happen in life yet, I think in the past my way of dealing with anything was pretending it wasn't there so now I have to actually face the music and deal with things. I do it at a very premature level, but I hope this is something I can work on as the years go - building up a good ass communication with some vulnerability. The messed up part is the idea of also not being vulnerable with myself, it's honestly shooting myself in the foot. I can't figure out how I feel like I am also an enemy and hence can't become vulnerable with myself - I have endured so much judgment and hate from myself without realizing it and it's crazy that spirit and soul that hosts all my experiences s till won't feel safe even in its own home.

I have discredited whatever it is that I have needed to say or which ever move that I needed to make with just a "uh nope that's not your lane". I think it's very important to have moments of vulnerability with yourself so that you can share it with other people, so when a vulnerable moment has to happen with someone else it doesn't feel so foreign in your spirit.

My spirit this year has felt exhausted more and more with each day. I keep thinking it reminds me of the time when I was in Highschool and I was literally in the passenger seat of my own life. Highschool was weird because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and I kept going and going. It created a monotonous vibe in my life and I was in a space where I was just getting by and always promising myself better but never showing up for myself. There's a vivid memory of me sitting in church during a sermon and having the thought that I'd start reading the Bible more from the coming week, did I ever? NO! I find myself literally in the same damn cycle. I used to read a lot and I just outgrew the habit but I find myself wanting to go back to reading, I set myself up for such a fail because I know I won't be in that mood but I keep selling myself dreams about becoming that person. I am always tired and never really want to honour some of the stuff I say I will do because I just don't hold myself accountable. I genuinely hate being in the passenger seat of my own life when I know there is something I can do but won't do because I am demotivated and lazy,it's a sad space to be in.

There has been good too about this year, I'm just not sure I am in a position to recognize it because it's not the form that I would have it you know? The silent blessings that we don't recognize because we are overlooking them to see if your cup is being filled with the same shit as your neighbor or friend. I think when everything has felt like the biggest exhaustion it becomes hard to recognize something which is a blessing, I remember telling my friend that it's weird how I alway think that I will only start living or become happy once iv reached certain milestones in my life and at that time, relationships (romantic) was number one on the list. I don't remember what the second was but there we're two specific things which I felt that if I had to have, I then would become happy or have everything that I have ever wanted in life, which my dear is so fucked up. If anything after that statement, and getting into a relationship shortly thereafter I need to realize how miserable I was trying to carry another human being who didn't need to be carried. We sacrifice SOMUCH just to have what other people, because it looks glamorous but it isn't always. The relationship I entered into after that statement was one of the Worst I had ever been in, listen if you need to go the movies take your friends. Develop friendships, develop actual relationships with people so you know people and people know you. The shit that's going on right now regarding relationship is genuinely the GHETTO and no one can convince me otherwise. We're literally trying to piece together items with weird stuff, there seems to be no genuine care for the other person or even respect. Another thing is that people don't really know each other and people don't really like each other that much. It's all based on some superficial aspect and honestly for me it cannot be physical because (1) Cute niggas are never attract to me (2) I am never attracted to cute niggas lol. Whoever I date, I date based on personality, but that still isn't enough. There are some very fake bonds that we have with people out here that are very dangerous.

I know from my side that Iv tried to make homes of human beings, and in the year where I have struggled so much with adapting to loosing friends and having people leave my life (growing up). I have tried to make a placemat with other human beings just trying to fill up this empty space which once was friendships and sisterhood. The most painful honestly, you know when you fight with someone and you loose them, it almost justifies how you feel and where you can direct your anger towards but when someone outgrows you or moves on to a totally different path, it's a bit weird. You don't know how to fathom that type of loss, because that person is still there and probably loves you as much but has just moved on. It's the biggest mindfuck, and I found myself saying to myself way too many times that you cannot posses people, you can only experience them and that's what happens. I have been struggling to find a positive way of moving on, I almost feel as though my body knows war only and recognizes war only and therefore even in situations where there isnt war, I don't know how to love and bless that person without feeling sometype of betrayal. Realizing that person still wishes you great in life but not knowing how to receive because they have decided to leave you (in your head). It's like I only know how to comprehend love if it is a certain way and if it's not in that way then it feels like rejection. My thing now has been wanting to get over that person as if they have hurt me, and I think we owe people that sense of freedom and liberation. We cannot hold on to people like that, I am trying to find a way to understand what has happened without being angry, without judgment and obsession by just letting that person go (if that's what meant to happen).

I don't know if the walls I have built have made it difficult for me to love other people without reservation. I think about how difficult it has become for me to full celebrate people that are in my life without feeling like my own shine is being restraint. I often think about how my self love/hate shows up immensely in very narcissistic ways and then quickly inferior. It's so crazy how this cycle works, it's obviously an ego thing but wow. I genuinely either love myself in a narcissistic way or I am hating myself to wards inferiority. There's no in-between and there's no healthy love, hence sometimes there isn't even a healthy love for others. It's always about me, not too sure why but to some extent the idea of my own insecurity and an unsettling image of self is what pushes through. I don't get the idea of becoming jealous and hateful of friends because they have something you don't have or even the idea that someone is prettier or gets more attention that you do. These are things which happen in life, actual things and I sometimes feel like it takes away from the bigger picture because we are so self absorbed. It's focusing on the small nitty-grittys that have nothing to do with anything. I almost feel like as person you don't have anything going on for you in your life or something to focus on that becomes your only win, which is the really ridiculous but very valid. Focusing on so much more of your wins puts you in a better place I guess to recognize other people's wins. In a perfect world we're all winning but in reality we all win at different points in our lives and really have to acknowledge when someone else wins.

It's not always easy to praise someone else's win, especially when you can't recognize your own or even praise your small wins. The idea of not being able to praise some of my friends wins has made me feel like a terrible person but I have to understand that I am battling an inner ego, this one girl said that you need to love yourself enough to want see yourself win or something like that and I think my shadow believes still believe in playing small and hence there's this huge constraint towards me being the highest version of myself. But this isn't the person I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to be hateful and salty about seeing people achieve things that they have worked hard for, that's not a healthy space to be. I don't know if as human beings we could ever be fully happy for each other but I want to try and attain that space, believing that maybe my portion is waiting for me :)

[caps-clever-girl]

thoughts on endgame.

fair warning, i am not going to be kind. i enjoyed watching this movie, for the most part. it was funny; it had many good jokes and good, pure and well done interactions between multiple characters. but i didnt like it, and here are the reasons why.

unfortunately, this isnt a ‘nitpicky’ post. my main problems are with a lot of the bigger points points of the film, and had quite a few. this is a LONG post.

• “marvels first gay character!!!!!!!!!!!!” shut up. you joined the ‘fad’ late for brownie points and it was a cameo character who got about 3 lines. there are plenty of canon queer and gay characters who could have been introduced, either as cameos or in earlier films. dont even get me started on the fact that tony has more canon bi material than most others and marvel could have taken the time or even the slightest bit of effort to make this. while i enjoyed the jokes about steve being Incredibly Hot and his ass being Gods Gift To America (which honestly??? correct!) that could have been expanded on. several characters made comments about how nice steve’s ass is, and could have been used as actual material for a queer character, instead of sticking a random chharacter in there. i get the whole ‘gay people could be anyone! its normal!’ thing by giving the ‘role’ to a regular person, but you would also prove that by making any one of your 30+ main cast actually queer instead of making gay jokes and hints that could be retconned and explained away by humour.

• slapping someone out of a panic attack, and treating the panic attack like a joke. yeah, i get it, they didnt have a lot of time. still, come on. did iron man 3 teach you nothing? apparently not since tonys ptsd was pretty much never brought up again.

• speaking of thor. now, i am not an expert, but when a person gains weight, they do not keep their abs. certainly not after five entire years - not even asgardians. i also found it odd that thor became the way he did. i understand gaining weight and comfort eating after all the trauma thor went through losing his home and brother and people, i really do, but 1.) do it properly, at least, and 2.) thor is the leader of his people. does he want the task? not particularly. he hasnt wanted to be king since the first thor movie, but hes been forced into the role. even depressed i dont think thor would shy away from it, not completely. hes always wanted to do right by his people and i think that hed stuck to it, especially after The Snap backing him into a corner, if that makes sense. to clarify, i dont have a problem with chubby/fat thor. (IF done right instead of with weird, shitty cgi, that is.) i have a problem with the fact that thor, even though he doesnt want to be king, would abandon the last remanents displaced people to build a new home all on their own and become a hermit gamer boy. ESPECIALLY with valkyrie around. she’s been through a derpressive, alcohol fuelled time in her life and thor pulled her out of it. (mostly anyway, asgardians are party animals and im p sure she still gets trolleyed on the reg) i have bo doubt that after years of wallowing she would do her damned best to try and kick his ass out of it, even if it were just because his people need a leader, instead of letting him drop everything on her and just let him stew while new asgard gets on with it. i also didnt like the fact that all of thors emotional moments were treated as jokes and made to be funny when hes genuinely Fucked Up about eveything thats happening and made his image into a whiny crybaby.

• professor hulk. more of a personal one, this, simply because i just didnt like it. fair enough if y’all disagree on this one, im not going to fight it. i just never saw him wanting to combine himself with the hulk. ever. when he apleared on the screen i was completely blindsided, and his explanation, and the way he interacted with the kids????? i just want to know where all of this confidence suddenly came from. i use the term ‘suddenly’ loosely, since its been five years, but bruce has never been the guy to care about strength or looks or fame. hes always been shy and nerdy. not afraid to stand his ground or make his opinion known. hes bot a catchphrase, posing and flexing ‘hell yeah lets take a selfie’ guy. i get that thats maybe the result of the hulk and bruces combined personality but it just felt WEIRD to me, like, there wasnt a time in the film where i felt comfortable with the character. this was the final avengers film, with all of the original six avengers in it. but it didnt feel like that, it didnt feel like bruce or the hulk was in the film, even though there was a lot of funny and good moments with orofessor hulk, it felt like a stranger with some familiar characteristics. it ruined any feelings of nostalgia for me. i like bruce, and i like the hulk. i like the way their differences add to the story and the way they interact with eachother, and the slow change in their relationship. sorry if its petty but i prefer them seperate, theres just so much more to them for me.

• clint and natasha’s journey for the soul stone. both times, in infinity war and endgame, a male character and a female character went to get the soul stone. both times the male came back and the female died, and we lost possibly two most developed and main-line female characters in the entire mcu. now i understand the reasoning for both, and out of the characters that went there, i agree with the choice. thanos and gamora; it was thanos who was aware of the sacrifice and who chose to make it. gamora didnt get a choice and was unaware until it was too late. thanos was never going to die there. he knew there would be a sacrifice and chose to take gamora, because she would be the most likely sacrifice to actualky sucsesfully yield the soul stone because she was the most loved by him. i get it, but we lost gamora and i dont like it. clint and natasha; looking at it completely objectively, clint has a family, a wife and three children, that he wants to get back. natasha does not have any children, nor any (blood) family. if i had to choose, based on facts like that, id choose her too. but i still hate it, because there goes the only female member of the avengers. also, nebula (and i think maybe rocket?) KNEW that a sacrifice would be made and either accidentaly or deliverately left out the terms of aquiring the soul stone. it would have been easy to tell, if not easy to solve. but nothinb was said, and two best friends had to make a fucking awful and horrible choice when they might not have had to.

• on the ‘feminism’ tangent; the random congragation of women in the end scene??????? i dont????? okay so i am marking myself as a hypocrite here because i did love this scene!!! it made my lil gay heart go boom to see so many good and strong women all in one place - ESPECIALLY rescue - and it also made me realise how many women there actually are across the mcu??? which was really nice?? but it just felt... so forced? the way they ALL suddenly apleared and stood together even though they were all mixed in around the battlefield. it was a wonderful thought and i did enjoy it, but it seemed too Off and Odd to seem as much more than a bid for Feminism Brownie Points.

• captain marvel. i dont know about you, but i was actually looking forward to her being in the film. for a character so hyped to be the saviour of the avengers and the end of thanos, she was barely in the film. ‘i have other planets to save, the earth isnt the only one affected by thanos’ yeah but earth is the only plannet actively attacked by him. its where the people who are rallying to fight him and reverse what he did are. dont you want to stick around and help them? surely it would be a hell of a lot easier with your help, and faster too. yes, she blasted theough the ship at the end, but she did fuck all to help defeat thanos himself, and the help she did give with the ship came at the end. i genuinely think they kept her out of the movie because she was too powerful, and would have made fighting thanos etc too easy to get all the suffering and noble sacrifices in. if she had been a side character i dont think id be as mad, but she got a whole MOVIE in which she is clearly the start of the entire avengers initiative; she is their HISTORY!!!! she is so powerful!!!! and yet she has 5 mins of screen time!! it pisses me off that she was So Strongly implied to be the character the avengers NEEDED, the one that without whom it would be IMPOSSIBLE to defeat thanos; the woman that really tipped the scales in there favour, and yet she did fuck all. (and lets not even get started on the carol/rhodey and carol+tony bromance we COMPLETELY missed out on.)

• (speaking of bonding what the fuck happened to tony and nebula????? after they were rescued it was like they never met)

• the whole entire concept of time what the fuck!!! ‘dont change anything’ okay well for the most part you did okay, and the PLAN and CONCEPT was actually really easy to grasp, at least to me, which is hard when working with paradoxes and wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey stuff. but that went out the water when past!thanos and his army were brought into the future and disintergrated. does this mean they’re dead in the past - since they would have just. Left and not come back and therefore ceased to exist from that point???? or did tonys Snap simply send them back to their point in time, with no memory of what had occured? idk because it aint explained.

• speaking of; loki. again - his past changed; he managed to escape, with the tessarect. this is not explained nor expanded upon. assuming the events of thor 2 came about - which were impossible if he escaped - then his timeline would carry on as normal, and would PERHAPS explain the tessarects wacky timeline. (i dont know for certain, because i cant work it out anyway). but loki disspearing means he wouldnt have gone to trial on asgard, nor would he wouldnt have been in thor 2 - also by extention meaning that frigga is still alive. technically if he went back to get odin off the throne anyway, everything else after thor 2 involving loki/asgard would still come to pass. either way, we dont know. it was a nice way for endgame to give fans what we wanted; the posibility of loki coming back. but it doesnt make a lick of sense, and we have no idea if hes still alive/escaped or not, and why. personally i have no fucking idea and im pretty sure it was a cop out so they could give us what we wanted. which brings to my other point:

• giving the audience what we wanted. we got loki interaction. we got loki ‘escaping’ and ‘surviving’ (????) we FINALLY got rescue, who many fans have been asking for since i think iron man 2, and even more so since The Badass That Was Pepper Potts in im3. we got morgan stark and tony and pepper married, we got jokes about steves ass, and more jokes about male characters admiring how hot other male characters are. and, most importantly, we got tony having the nice relaxing life he wanted out in his cabin in the woods with his wife and kids (even if it was a horrific way of getting there). i dont quite know how to explain it, but to me it seemed like they were shoving as many ‘fan-requests’ into the film as possible - so that when they killed off 2 of the original 6, and removed another by ageing him out of use, they could lessen the backlash and justify the changes by going ‘but you got so mych that you wanted beforehand!!’. a tactic they drenhed us with because one of those 2 was a fan favourite that people were BEGGING not to be killed off because they felt that he hadnt recieved anywhere near the peace or happiness he deserved so far - and now never will. which brings me to:

• tony’s death.

there are two parts to this.

one, i was incredibly pissed off because strange’s Big Plan, the ONLY reason he saved tony in infinity war, was so tony could use the gauntlet and kill himself anyway later. anyone in that film could have used that gauntlet - and many wouldnt have suffered fatal injuries; captain marvel, steve, t’challa, peter quill to name a few possibilities - basically, anyone who is in anyway enhanced would have had a better chance of surviving and would have therefore been the better choice; aka, half the mcu. i think it was a proximity thing; tony was closest. he had the oppertunity and the others didnt. but tony didnt know about the option of using it until strange looked at him and gave him ‘the signal.’ the signal to sacrifice himself. and of course, this is tony stark. when is he ever going to refuse that.

but reason two, and this is the one that stings the most; tony started the mcu.

in my opinion, he is the character who has put the most in during the whole ten years. he, of ALL the characters, deserves his happy ending of marrying the love of his life and having a kid, without constantly fearing that hes foing to have them ripped away from him, that hes going to have to fight to the death to keep them safe.

one of my friends, when i complained about tony dying, said; “it was his time. plus, he had a legacy! with pepper and morgan, and the iron man name. how can you be upset?”

i can be upset because tony got the happiness he wanted after losing exactly 50% of what he held dearest. i can be upset because hawkeye got his family back, but tony only got five years with his wife and less with his kid, instead of getting the oppertunity to grow old with his wife and watch his kid go to collage like clint will. i can be upset because the character that has gone through the most trauma, both physically and mentally, who spent the last ten years trying to better the world and everything in it and protect it, who got the most shit for every decision he made and who ended EVERY SINGLE FILM with a broken limb or his face littered with bruises and cuts while every other film centric character ended the film usually scrape free, didnt get his happy fucking ending. sure, he has a legacy. but i dont give a shit, because that legacy - of iron man, of morgan and pepper and stark industries - would have been there whether tony was alive to see it flourish or not. but he wont be.

this goes beyond being a ‘tony stan’ or tony being my favourite character. out of every single character, from start to finish, anthony edward stark fucking deserved a happy ending and by god he deserved it the most. i will argue that until my end of days.

i watched tony stark on screen for ten years, and i watched him get progressively more scarred and fucked up. his parents. the ten rings. losing yinsen. obie. vanko and hammer. the palladium poisoning. new york; the nuke and the wormhole. the ptsd, the panic attacks. the iron legion and retirement attempt. killian and extremis and the end of that returement attempt. wanda’s vision. jarvis being destroyed. the accords and subsequent civil war. finding out about the winter soldier and his hand in his parents death. finding out that steve knew. siberia. struggling to balence iron man and the accords. losing peter. being stranded on titan, in space for weeks.

tony in that wheelchair, shaking and rail thin and unable to stand for more than a few moments will haunt me forever.

i watched him suffer for ten years - longer, even, in-universe - clawing for his quiet, happy ending while fighting for the happy ending he thought the rest of the world deserved, and instead of getting rewarded he just got beaten down and beaten down. after ten fucking hears of watching the backbone of the entire franchise get nothing but shit piled on him until he struggled to breathe for it, excuse me for thinking he woukd finally get the chance to crawl out from under it and be happy. no strungs attatched, no awful, sacrificial price to be payed, just for a man who had given so. fucking. much. to finally get something for once, and be allowed to keep it.

well i was wrong. and i feel so incredibly fucking stupid for even hoping otherwise.

and thats what i didnt like about avengers endgame.

[bio-fluorescence]

something the notes of that post is rly laying bare to me is the extent to which people (incl myself) feel that if soemthing is sold in a store and anyone can buy it its basically safe as long as u dont drink it. and if two things are for basically the same purpose (nebulously defined as "cleaning") u can combine them to make a double strength cleaner. the number of stories about coworkers/aunts/etc that habitually combine cleaning products regardless of potential danger is like.... obviously the tiktok is a special kind of bullshit but i think its really hard to convince ppl about chemical safety because we dont feel like we are using "chemicals" (special bubbling liquid in tubes) we are using "cleaning products" (safe to use in ur home).

it also makes me think about the backlash against "harsh chemicals" in cleaning products that COULD be really positive and healthy but generally is just. other chemicals that are less effective or less common. plus the "chemical" fear mongering is like. thats how u get antivaxxers who think vaccines inject 50 mg pure mercury into every baby. interesting how theres more trust, broadly, in consumer chemicals than in medical chemicals. hmm.

there are ppl arguing this is like. "kids these days dont get taught xyz" but i really dont think this is an age thing considering lots of ppl commenting this are fairly young and lots of anecdotes are specifically about older/adult ppl. i dont think this is an "american" thing either; i think thats just basic "usa are stupid" shit that doesnt help anyone. hate to be That Guy but i think a lot of this just comes down to like. (marketing influenced) our schema. a lower stakes version of this concept being that dentists actually dont recommend rinsing after brushing ur teeth! but that feels to me and many other ppl "unintuitive" because ur "supposed to" rinse after putting "soap" on things... but toothpaste isnt soap! but its all "cleaning product" etc...

idk i think stuff like this is genuinely high stakes as 1) u could get seriously hurt POTENTIALLY killed (if ur rlllly non careful) by mixing household cleaners and 2) the reasoning as to why ppl do this is troubling to me (again, as someone who recognises these thought patterns in myself). like how do we talk about this in a helpful way that doesnt come down to "stupid ppl deserve death" that also takes science denialism and conspiracy theory seriously! again, people absolutely will say things like "i cant mix two cleaners in my own home but im supposed to take a medication with chemicals i cant pronounce in it?!?!?!" or as we saw not too long ago... literally use bleach as a "medicine". but like. its hard for me to see the foolish grocery store coworker mixing chemicals and breathing fumes every night as deserving scorn or mockery; after all, "if they werent safe they wouldnt be allowed to sell them!"

i guess its the basic assumption that the world works in the way u think it does. the problem arises when u are given new information and shut it out/deny it. and i think this is a huuuuuge issue... under capitalism. bam!! got there!! companies can sell whatever and do whatever as long as they put a warning label, therefore shifting the responsibility and blame to consumers. but the average consumer has a level of trust in the products they buy that has never been born out. the consumer disregards/misunderstands/assumes things about the warning label and gets themselves or someone else hurt... thats not the company's fault for selling and marketing bleach as a purifying and cleansing necessity. hmm (obviously if u mix chemicals it really is on u... i just think its worth thinking about)

[writeforit]

Lil rant about love

It’s really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that someone loves me as much as she loves me. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know how to feel loved. These past few weeks have been some of my darkest times, but this time I’ve got her by my side and it's perplexing. Half of me grips to her like she is my last saving grace - she is my light and a pick-me-up and the only thing getting me through without hurting so much that I lose it. The other part of me wants none of it - I can’t hurt her, I can't let her see me hurt like this, at what point do I leave because I know that she can be loved a little better by someone who isn’t hurting the way I am. I don’t know how to feel loved, and I don’t quite know how to feel hurt, and I especially don’t know how to handle the two combined when all of my arsenals for fixing myself feel broken also.

The thing is, this “rough patch”, for a lack of better words, has also taught be a bit about love and a bit about her and a bit about me. Love isn’t easy all of the time. She is the most patient woman that I have ever met, the most gentle lover, the strongest hugger when I’m in need. She often quite literally holds me together when I’m shattering into pieces, did you know that people that kind exist? A girl who is that good loves ME, is patient with my nightly breakdowns and still wakes up to my puffy eyes in the morning and calls me beautiful. How can that be? I’ve learned more about myself, and how self care was never really my strong suit. I sort of covered up my inability to seek decent help for my mental state with a façade of looking like I had my shit together. Eventually, I actually felt like I had my shit together and therefore had no time for mental breakdowns, I thought that was the solve. But then I fell in love and my life changed, then I felt no need for being a poster child uni-student with her shit together and wanted to dedicate every second of my being to loving her. And I did that, and now my life isn't together. And it's strange. My heart and my soul are the happiest they have ever been, my genuine fulfillment feels like it is overflowing just because I get to call her my girl and hear her say “I love you”. But I don’t clean my house as often anymore and that makes me break down. And I work 10 hours a day away from her and that makes me break down. And I don’t take care of my physical health and that makes me break down. And I don’t know how to feel loved. I'm giving my everything to her and that is exactly what I set out to do, and I didn’t foresee myself taking a back burner this hot. I don't want to be the one who cant handle a mess or a long day but that is who I have become. At the end of the day I put my energy into her and that is what I want and that is what she needs but then I'm unfulfilled and it really fucking sucks. I don't want to take time for myself, but seemingly it is what kept me whole once upon a time. I dont give a damn if my floor isnt swept if it means a movie night with the love of my life and yet I’ve literally cried over stepping on too many crumbs but I don't know how and I don't know where to draw my line on loving/being loved. I guess I never expected there to be a line to be drawn in the first place. She is my sunshine, she is my rock, she is my absolute everything in this world. I have never loved anything or anyone harder, or with any more raw and pure parts of me. That is what holds me together. She is what holds me together. Self care is also, apparently, what holds me together. I am struggling to hold myself together.