#and all i got to say about that is...get a life ridley nobody wants to spent an entire day watching your fanfiction

[thesmokinpossum]

Ridley Scott made a 4 and a half hours Napoleon movie and now he's out there telling historians to 'get a life' for pointing out that a bunch of things in said movie are fake as fuck? Old men get so bold when they get near death's door, it's almost impressive to me.

[terabyteturtle]

Fighter #04-E - Dark Samus

- This creepy Phazon creature can sneak up behind someone very easily. It’s part of the reason why Samus is so paranoid all the time.

- She somehow found a way to stick to walls and hang from ceilings, which scares the crap out of everyone.

- When she first met Richter, he thought she was a demon and chucked holy water at her. Needless to say, he was very lucky that he escaped with his life that day.

- When she's not wreaking havoc on distant alien planets, Dark Samus has quite a lot of time on her hands. She spends most of her free time reading encyclopedias, studying fighters’ behavior, and building social skills.

- Dark Samus has gotten electrocuted twice trying to fix the circuit breaker during power outages. Electricity doesn’t affect her as much as it would a human though, so she’s okay.

- During her first few weeks at the mansion, Dark Samus didn’t even bother to use doors. Instead, she just blasted her way through the walls and got in a lot of trouble for it.

- Due to her lack of social skills, she has stalker-like tendencies and doesn’t know what personal space is.

- She doesn't really feel much in terms of emotions, so social encounters are always super awkward. She read somewhere that people usually convey strong emotions through physical movements. So, when talking to the other fighters, she tries to do that, but it always ends up being really overexaggerated. For example, when she tries to show happiness, she does a small twirl in the air. Don't get her wrong, she's not doing this in the hope of making friends. She's doing this to gain emotional leverage over people. I think the only emotion she genuinely feels is anger.

- As mentioned before, she spends a lot of time learning about the world around her, but every so often, she gets bored. As much as she loves learning new information, Dark Samus needs to switch it up every now and then. So, she started learning how to do tricks with the Plasma Whip. It’s since become her new favorite thing.

- Isabelle, being the kind soul that she is, tried to teach Dark Samus how to hug. It seemed so innocent and wholesome, until poor Isabelle nearly got her spine crushed. The Phazon warrior didn’t care though, because now she knew another way to manipulate and kill someone.

- Sometimes, she just disappears inside the mansion and no one knows where she is or what she’s doing.

- She also has a habit of sneaking out of the mansion, using clones as stand-ins so nobody knows she’s gone.

- If Dark Samus somehow gets caught sneaking out, she’ll brainwash them into forgetting she was there.

- What the Phazon creature does outside of the mansion is unknown. She could be building a giant death laser, for all anybody knows. 

- The kids originally thought she was some sort of weird ghost, so they tried using Luigi’s Poltergust on her. To their shock and horror, it didn’t work.

- She and Ridley have the weirdest relationship. One minute, they’ll be terrorizing people together, then the next, they’ll be at each other’s throats.

- Dark Samus is easily one of the biggest threats to peace within the Smash universe. If the other villains want to start killing everybody, they’d make it known. But if Dark Samus wants to start killing everybody, nobody would realize until it was far too late.

- In fact, she could probably brainwash all of them into killing each other while she sits back with a bowl of popcorn, watching with genuine amusement for once in her life. Luckily, since Samus is her main target, that’s a thought she hasn’t considered. Not yet, anyway.

- She avoids water like the plague for some reason. If someone accidentally spills some on her, she’ll recoil, hiss like a cat, then just disappear down the hallway. It’s one of the strangest things she does, and that’s saying a lot.

- She frequently mimics Samus just to annoy her.

- When October comes around, Dark Samus does all the classic horror movie stuff just to scare the fighters. Someone will be in the bathroom, minding their own business, when all of a sudden, Dark Samus is just standing behind them in the mirror, completely still. She’ll hide in fighters’ closets when they think they’re alone and jump out when they least expect it. She’ll put spiders on people’s pillows, and leave footprints of fake blood around the mansion, and whisper to the fighters in creepy voices during the night. Not to mention, she’s been caught burning things outside several times. Nobody knows what she’s burning though, because no one dares to go near her.

 - On the topic of fire, this poison-given form has attempted arson countless times.

- She tried using the Beetle item as a spying device once, but quickly learned that it’s not made for stealth.

- For some reason, Dark Samus really likes Russian food. If there isn’t at least one Russian dish per week, she’ll start destroying valuable items.

- She’s super intelligent when it comes to combat and alien customs, but completely stupid when it comes to blending in amongst people.

- She bought an alien newt off the dark web. Everyone thinks it’s a pet, but she actually got it to spy on the other fighters. Samus finds it extremely unfair that Dark Samus can have a pet and she can’t. Ridley doesn’t like to eat amphibians, so there's no chance he'll go after the newt.

- When the hallway is too crowded for her liking, she gets into Ball Form and rolls through the vents. Lucas does not stop making Among Us jokes whenever she does it. 

- Dark Samus is the dark counterpart of Samus, so naturally, she hates everything that Samus likes.

- Dark Pit is the closest fighter she has to an actual friend. They bond over the few similarities they share, the biggest being that they're both dark counterparts. He’s the only fighter she would (maybe) spare if she tried to kill everyone in the mansion. She even allowed him to name her newt, which he decided to call Hades.

- Speaking of the dark angel, Dark Samus has brainwashed him a bunch of times just to indirectly make fun of Pit. He honestly doesn’t mind, considering he probably would’ve done that regardless.

- Samus and Solgaleo vs. Dark Samus and Lunala — easily one of their best matches of all time.

- Lunala is the only living creature within the Smash universe that Dark Samus has a faint fondness for (aside from Dark Pit, maybe). She’s always there to give it some extra Poke Beans during meal times.

- She teases Samus to no end. Snake is a big enemy of hers because of this.

- There are very few folks who will willingly go near Dark Samus. Even the other villains get a bad vibe from her. 

- Her favorite song from the Smash soundtrack is Vs. Parasite Queen. To her, it sounds like something you can destroy an entire civilization to. Not that she plans on doing that… at least, not anytime soon…

Note: I hope you enjoyed all of these! Next up, the gluttonous egg dragon/dino!

[kylorenisadorkable]

How TROS Failed Rey

These are just my opinions and from my personal perspective, if these things worked for you in the movie then cool, but this is why it was never going to work for me.

A Feminine Power Fantasy

Growing up in the 90s there wasn't a ton of media that had female lead characters. I grew up with strong female characters but they were often relegated to being the token girl of the group (see the Smurfette principle), the story was never centered around them and we never got to experience things from their point of view or really get to know their story. It felt like I was being asked to relate to male characters but boys were never asked or expected to relate to female characters.

Just as young boys see themselves as Luke, leading the adventure I also wanted to see myself as the main character. I wanted to have my own adventures.

When I first saw TFA, I went in knowing nothing about the movie. I had seen the OT and the Prequels as a kid and I had thought they were ok but I wasn't a huge Star Wars fan and in hindsight I really think this was due to the lack of female representation, Leia and Padme are great but I never really felt like I really got to know them as people. Not to mention that these characters are 2 women out of a cast that's predominantly male, it just seemed like the message LF was sending was that Star Wars is for boys, yeah girls can watch it if they want to but this isn't a series that is meant for you. So as you could guess I wasn't really expecting much from these new Star Wars movies, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I fell in love with Rey's character during those first 3 minutes of her introduction. During this brilliant example of “show don't tell,” story telling they were really able to convey so much about Rey's character and personality, I really began to care for her and felt like I understood her, as I could relate to her loneliness and isolation in my own way. And I was excited to see a story from a major fantasy/adventure franchise told from a feminine perspective. It felt like I was finally getting the representation I wanted to see.

So what happened? How did we go from Luke's line “And I will not be the Last Jedi” which is essentially him “passing the torch” to Rey, the next generation, to “One day I will earn your brother's saber?” 

As if the saber didn't already choose her in the Force Awakens? Why did they decide that all of a sudden Rey was unworthy? Didn't Yoda say “that library held nothing that the girl Rey didn't already posses?” which yes was a clever way of saying that Rey already took the jedi texts with her but was also implying that she already had everything she needed within herself to be a jedi (courage, humility, compassion etc...). Why did they take a step backwards in the last movie in the franchise? Insisting that Rey needed to train, that she suddenly wasn't good enough?

I can't say for sure what happened to lead up to this point. Was it just that the creative team gave in to the pressuring of a loud minority of alt-right youtubers and bots. Were they relying on Reddit and Twitter for public opinion rather than doing actual marketing research?  While I think that this was definitely a big factor I think there was just a general misunderstanding of the characters on Terrio's and JJ's part to begin with.

What Does Rey Want/Need?

To know where they went wrong, we have to ask ourselves who is Rey? All characters have a story goal, or the thing they want. By the end of the story the character will either get what they want after some struggles of course or learn that the thing that they want isn't what they need. So what does Rey want?  To understand what she wants we have to first understand her wound or past experience that caused emotional pain and interferes with the character's life. Rey's wound stems from her  abandonment. Along with the wound, comes the concept of the false lie. What is a lie that the character believes about themselves that we as the audience knows is untrue? Rey's lie is first, that her family is going to come back for her. 

The other lie she tells herself is the belief that she is worthless because she was abandoned, as she tells everyone she meets “I'm no one“ or “I'm just a scavenger.”

When Daisy Ridley was asked in an interview why Rey says she's “No One.” Ridley says it's because our relationships to people define so much of who we are and without relationships then who are we?  This makes sense considering that our parents are major influences in our development and in how we think about ourselves through much of our lives.

Rey seeks out parental figures, thinking that through them she'll figure out where she belongs. “Whoever you're waiting for on Jakku, they're never coming back. But there's someone who still could. The Belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead.” 

Rey initially believes that Maz is referring to Luke and when she later sets off to find him. She believe that he is going to be able to give her answers, and provide her with the belonging that she longs for, but Luke ultimately ends up disappointing her but finds comfort in her relationship with Ben.

This goes back to the idea that what Rey thinks she wants, Isn't necessarily what she needs. As JJ stated in the directors commentary of The Force Awakens, “So there was a very powerful idea that what she desperately wanted was belonging, which she’ll get, but just not how she expects.”

JJ and Terrio try to fullfill Rey's need through “found family” the family she finds with her friends and the resistance, but I think there is more to Rey's desire of wanting family that can't be satisfied by this alone. Finn, Poe, Leia are definitely a part of her journey in finding belonging but they're not the final piece to the puzzle. Otherwise she would have felt completely fulfilled by the end of The Last Jedi when she is on the Falcon surrounded by her friends.

I think part of Rey's desire for family, is also the desire to be understood, to be “seen.”  Rey even tells Finn in TROS that “People keep telling me they know me. No one does.” We hear Ben's response in the trailer “But I do...” (which was cut from the movie)

Ben has always been shown to be the person who truly “sees” Rey. He sees even the aspects of herself that she doesn't like to acknowledge. Recognizing that her holding on to her parents is affecting her negatively and that if she really wants to “find herself” she needs to let go.

Which is why when Ben says “You have no place in this story. You're nothing. But not to me.��� What is really being expressed is “I don't care about where you come from and I see you for who you are.”  

This is why I believe that Ben was always suppose to be the final piece to the belonging Rey is searching for. As their narratives are intertwined. They both satisfy each others needs as characters, Rey's need to be seen for who she is and Ben's need for reconciliation and healing within his family.

Rey Palpatine

Rian Johnson said that when he began working on The Last Jedi, he wrote out all the character's names and next to them wrote what would be the hardest thing for that character to face. For Rey, this was that she needs to stand on her own two feet and define who she is for herself but JJ and Terrio seemed to have misunderstood this as Terrio states that,

“We also thought that Rey’s arc cannot be finished after Episode VIII. You can leave Episode VIII and say, “Well, now, Rey is content. She’s discovered her parents aren’t Skywalkers, or whatever, and that’s fine.” But so much of her personal story was about where she came from, what kept her on Jakku all those years and the trauma that shaped her. We see quite strongly in Episode VII that something mysterious and troubling happened to her. Although she did get some answers in Episode VIII, we didn’t feel that that story was over. We felt that there were still more questions in Rey’s head about where she came from and where she was going. So, that was the other big idea that we had to address in this film. Rian’s answer to, “What’s the worst news that Rey could receive?” was that she comes from junk traders, and that’s true. She does come from junk traders; we didn’t contradict that.”

Rey's conflict wasn't that she came from junk traders. Rey didn't care about “legacy.” Her conflict stemmed from her abandonment. Rey thinks she's “a nobody” not because of her parent's occupation or lineage but because she feels that she must be worthless because why else would her parents give her up? Rey learning that her parents sold her off for drinking money, that they didn't want her, was already a difficult and traumatic truth to overcome. Star Wars is a coming of age story, in the OT Luke grows from being a boy longing for adventure to discovering what it truly means to be a Jedi (following your principles and having a compassionate heart). Rey's journey is about letting go of childhood trauma and discovering her own independence.

It's also strange seeing as JJ had previously stated during The Force Awakens press tour that “I really feel that the assumption that any character needs to have inherited a certain number of midi-chlorians or needs to be part of a bloodline. It's not that I don't believe that as part of the canon, I'm just saying that at 11 years old that wasn't where my heart was. And so I respect and adhere to the canon but I also say that the Force has always seemed to me to be more inclusive and stronger than that.”

And there was still conflict for her to overcome. The one person who she felt truly understood her is now the supreme leader of the first order, will the resistance discover their connection? Will they see her as a traitor? All of this had the potential for great external and internal character conflict, but for some reason they didn't see this as conflict enough to sustain a whole movie?

Instead they gave Luke's character arc in the OT of having a dark side relative to Rey. “Discovering that you actually descended from your adoptive family’s greatest enemy, the same enemy who corrupted Anakin Skywalker and is responsible for the destruction of the Skywalker family in the first place, felt most devastating to us.” This doesn't make any sense to me as it feel like they just gave Rey Luke's internal conflict of being afraid of his dark side, I don't think this was ever a problem for Rey. In fact, in The Last Jedi  she leapt into the dark side cave to face her darkness (her abandonment). Luke even says “You went straight to the dark and you didn't even try to stop yourself.” 

The dark side cave in The Last Jedi was symbolic of Rey coming to terms with her darkness (the parts of herself she wants to hide).  It relates back to Jungian psychology (which much of Star Wars is based on) that people can only become whole through understanding both the light and shadow aspects of their personality. So it doesn't make sense for Rey to be afraid of who she is in the final movie when she just finished a journey where she learned to accept who she was?

Rey Skywalker

Terrio says that the decision to have Rey take on the name “Skywalker” was a way to show that “you can choose your ancestry.” Which is not true and also a strange thing to say considering the trilogy started with this:

But even if this was just awkward phrasing and what Terrio meant to say was that she considers the Skywalkers her family. Does this make sense considering that she didn't have a great relationship with Luke to begin with?

 I've seen it argued that she took the name as a way of honoring Leia but Leia never took the name or considered herself a Skywalker. Also this is another step backwards for Rey's character as The Last Jedi was trying to assert that Rey does not need to keep looking for parental figures to define herself.

So why  must she be a Palpatine, a Skywalker and “all the jedi” anyways? I think this was done for two reasons, the first was because by killing Ben they were going to kill the last of the Skywalker family and they wanted to keep the name tied to the franchise, in case they need the characters for future projects down the line, so they just pushed it onto Rey. The second reason is that I think they were trying to appease the misogynists' who spent the last 4 years calling Rey a “Mary Sue” so they explained her power away through powerful male lineage. It just feels so weird to me, like the creators are saying that we should like Rey not because of who she is as a character but because of who she is in relation to all these other characters we know you like (Luke, Leia, all the jedi that use her as a vessel etc...)

Daisy Ridley has even expressed her frustration with the Rey's lineage debate multiple times, “I love that Rey is such a great character, they’re like: ‘No, no, she has to be… she has to be-’She’s her own person! Let her be her guys, let her live.

Yet even at the end of the final film poor Rey can't seem to catch a break as she's once again asked for her last name. She once again has to justify herself for just existing. Why are surnames suddenly so important in Star Wars now anyways? Shouldn't the correct answer be “just Rey,” now that she's come to accept who she is and where she's come from and shouldn't that be good enough? What happened to the message of anyone can be a hero? That you don't have to come from or align yourself with a powerful family legacy. That we all have the power to make a difference?

TROS seems to be constantly asking Rey to prove herself. And weirdly enough it reminds me in a strange meta way of my own experience being a woman in the fandom and being constantly asked to prove that I'm a “True fan” (whatever the f@#% that means...) to prove that I'm worthy of consuming and participating in this content that male fans feel belongs solely to them.

In Conclusion

So what did our heroine gain in the end? Did she find family and belonging? No. So what does she have in the end? A yellow lightsaber (for merchandising purposes) and a surname of a dead family?  I guess she finally has an answer to give all the nosey nellies, obsessed with ones pedigree that have suddenly popped up all over the galaxy.

It's not a satisfying ending for her, as she's basically right back where she started. Alone, in a desolate desert, once again staring face to face at an old woman (an old woman which at the start of the Force Awakens symbolized her fear of growing old and wasting away her life on Jakku).

Terrio states that  this is not meant to indicate that Rey plans to stay here, “The very last thing Rey would do after all that is to go and live alone in a desert.”  but when that is the last shot you chose to end the movie on then what is the audience suppose to think? The bigger issue however, is that Rey's ending holds no significance to her or her journey. Terrio says that “In our thinking, Rey goes back to Tatooine as a pilgrimage in honor of her two Skywalker masters. Leia’s childhood home, Alderaan, no longer exists, but Luke’s childhood home, Tatooine, does. Rey brings the sabers there to honor the Skywalker twins by laying them to rest — together, finally — where it all began.” Tatooine, the Lars homestead and the twin suns, don't mean anything to Rey.  You know who did mean something to Rey? Who was the one person who understood her, who she had an intimate relationship with, who she explicitly states she wanted to be with? Ben. But he's gone too. But clearly a light saber and surname are more important. Again this all comes from a lack of caring for what Rey wants.

I just wish that the Sequel Trilogy had stayed Rey's trilogy, that she got to be a heroine in her own right not because she was a skywalker, or a palpatine or from some other powerful family. I will always love Rey but I will always hate what they did to her and I'm tired of people invalidating my feelings and telling me that it was a good ending or that it was empowering. I just want heroines to be taken as seriously and to have all the same privileges as male heroes. Let them stand on their own without connecting them back to every male hero in the franchise, let them be their own character, and finally just let them be human, let them fall in love and have relationships if they want to. Male heroes are never considered to be less of a hero for having a love interest, so why are female heroes? Basically what I got out of the Rise of Skywalker, was that it was created by a couple of guys that loved Luke and the OT and could care less about Rey and that's truly heart breaking.

[justplainwhump]

#9 for Dany 😈😈

9: strangle my muse

This is not going to be what you expected. More action than whump, and of course really high on the angst. (If you ask me, it's really good)

And Dany surprised me in more ways than one.

Content / warnings: Lady whump, failed escape (?), some red flags of abusive relationships in the beginning, gun violence, strangling; references to dubcon, conditioning and pet whump; strong language (Dany gets emotional)

Ridley Lordin, B and referenced Leo Luciano are @what-a-whump 's wonderful characters and used with permission.

Thank you so much for asking this, @distinctlywhumpthing , because wow, character development.

[Dany Masterpost]

[Prompt list (still taking them for all my characters)]

Scene (1,500 words) under the cut

-

I look fabulous. I don't even need to look at myself in any of the dozens of mirrors decorating the ballroom. He wanted all eyes on me. And he gets what he wants.

Ridley's hand is resting on the back of my neck, fiddling with the thin white leather strap that he has me wear instead of the usual collar. It's somewhat reassuring. It means it's not that kind of a party.

My dress is tasteful, short but not revealing, tailored to fit so perfectly it doesn't matter that it's too white for my pale skin. It's summer. I should be tanned from days spent in the park, on the tennis court, by the sea. That's not what my days are, though. I spend them inside, nowadays, locked up in the bedroom of Ridley's penthouse, and I can earn the privilege of open curtains.

Sometimes, to my own shame, I do.

He presses a kiss against my neck. "Smile, princess", he breathes into my ear, his fingers lingering on my throat for a moment too long. "You know how Daddy likes you."

Pleasant. Pretty. Pliant. Have I ever been anything else, I wonder? Or have I only ever played roles others wanted from me, anyways?

I force my lips to curve into a smile. Of course I do. I'm tired of fighting. Ridley hums contently, before his gaze is caught by something - someone - else, a middle-aged woman in a red pant suit. Governor Hawkins. I know her, I know them all, the rich and powerful, from the events I've attended by my father's side, and I hate how they don't seem to spend a second thought on how I'm suddenly with this man they all must despise.

"I'll be right back, baby girl", Ridley purrs. "Don't move. Bee Bee?" He snaps his fingers. "Come."

B casts me a short glance, as if unwilling to leave me, before his eyes turn flat again and he trots past Ridley, scanning the crowd for potential threats.

I feel oddly uncomfortable around them, alone among hundreds of people. How many of them know? And how many just refuse to see?

A hand on my back makes me flinch. "Danielle", someone says into my hair. "Let's get you out of here."

Instinctively, I pull away and look over the crowd for Ridley. He doesn't like others touching me. Fuck, I don't like anyone touching me.

"Shhh", the man hushes and grabs my arm again, and only now do I turn to look at him. Matthew Carlson. My father's finance guy. There's a deep frown on his face and a pressed urgency in his voice. "We'll get you away from him."

"I-" I am cut off by a hand over my mouth from behind.

"Hurry", Carlson hisses.

An arm closes around me, drags me back through a door to the kitchen. White tiles and metal surfaces, some employees that seem to have been paid to look away. I struggle against the person holding me, try to bite the hand in front of my face, but they seem to know what they're doing, and I don't.

I want to get away from Ridley, I don't want him to see this. I want to be good, and I want to be free.

"Don't fight, Danielle, this is all for your father's best interest", Carlson says behind me. "You're his legacy."

Ridley will kill me for leaving my spot. Somehow Carlson and his man don't make me feel safe at all.

A cool draft brushes past my naked legs, as someone pushes open a door and they guide me outside into some back yard, stumbling down the flight of steps in my high heels. There's another man waiting near some dumpsters, under a flickering lamp. He's dressed entirely in black and looks me down with a cold frown.

Somehow, nobody hurries any more. There's no car waiting to get me away, no explanation, just silence and the damp darkness of a muggy summer night.

I step back towards the back door, but the man behind me doesn't move.

I turn to Carlson and lift my chin. "Please, leave me alone", I say firmly. "I don't know what this is, but I don't want it."

"Hmmm", Carlson hums, and there's a coldness to his tone that lets me shiver. "I bet you won't, but it's too late for that. You're a liability, Danielle. Your... involvement with Lordin, with Luciano, these... videos, they don't make you look good. You weaken your father's position. Or rather, ours, trying to save what is left of it."

"I'm a fucking prisoner", I hiss. "You fucking know what happened to me, because you let this shit happen to my father, and now I'm the one being sold and tortured and paraded around and hurt, while you fuckers think about your business? This is my life, you-"

"It won't be any longer", he cuts me off harshly, and nods to the man behind me. "Sorry, Danielle, it's not personal."

Something wraps around my neck from behind. Thin and soft and raw at the same time. I scream, but all that comes from my lips is a garbled whine.

The man pulls the rope tight and yanks me back. I thrash, my limps flailing uselessly. Desperately, I fight for air, but there's nothing. Nothing but pain and dread and a dawning understanding. I will die. These fuckers are killing me. My fingers cramp around my neck, fingertips brushing over rough rope, unable to grasp it, buried too deep into my skin.

A shadow moves in the corner of my eyes, a blur within a larger blur. I hear a sharp snarl, a muffled impact, a scream, as I tumble back, fall, landing on something soft. Air floods my lungs, and I inhale greedily, my breath coming out in ragged huffs.

"Do not touch her", B growls at my side, and lunges at the other men.

B.

He came for me.

Under me, the black-dressed man is struggling, whining as he grips his hurt arm and struggles against my weight on top of him. Fucking asshole. I clench my teeth and steady my hand with my other arm, as I ram my elbow into his throat. He stills once more.

Something solid is pressed into my back. His gun, tucked under his jacket. Still coughing, I roll over to my side to grab it. Should've just shot me, I think grimly. Stupid gangsters, trying to make a show of everything.

I struggle to get to all fours and cast a glance over to B. Carlson's guard is laying on the ground, unmoving. Carlson himself is down as well, B sitting on his back, wrestling back his arm, growling something low and inaudible, until the arm snaps.

He doesn't see the guard move beside him. A knife flashes in the guard's hand.

I shoot. Once, twice, three times, all aimed steadily at his chest, from a close distance.

Never stop after one shot, Dad has taught me, years ago. You shoot to kill. Make sure they stay dead.

This one is.

The silence after the shots is deafening.

"Oh, princess!", Ridley exclaims behind me, from the kitchen door, his voice perplexed, almost delighted.

Another fit of coughing shakes me, before I turn around, weakly. Ridley is standing in the doorway, upright, his too familiar silhouette framed by light, arms folded, as he is taking in the scene, smug and confident as always.

My eyes are trained on his chest. Carefully, almost tenderly, I lift the gun once more.

A shadow falls over me, blocking Ridley from my view. B. I haven't even heard him move. But he's standing there now, right between my and my target, wordlessly looking down on me from unreadable eyes.

"Please", I breathe. "Please, B." B knows, knows what Ridley does to me, asks of me, of him. He knows he deserves to die.

He doesn't step aside. Instead, he extends an open hand. I hate him. I hate myself. My stomach drops, as I secure the gun and rest it into his hand.

Wordlessly, B steps back and hands the gun to Ridley. "Nice try, baby girl", Ridley mumbles, as he checks the gun. "Wouldn't hurt Daddy now, would you?"

Casually, he steps down the stairs and considers the two men, groaning on the ground, me, kneeling next to them in my now stained white dress.

With his free hand, Ridley gently brushes over the fresh marks on my neck. "Which one did this?", he asks calmly.

I look aside, at the man in the black clothes, and Ridley steps over, lifts the gun, points it right between his eyes.

Another shot rings through the yard.

A strangled sob escapes me.

"B, tie that other guy up", Ridley says, but his eyes are on me. "Leo will deal with him, later."

He gets to his knees in front of me, pulls me into an embrace, the gun still in his hand. I sink against his chest, trembling with silent sobs, each breath hurting in my throat.

I had almost been free. One way or another.

"Shhh, now, baby girl", he whispers, as he gently cradles me against his body. "You're safe with me. I've got you."

[rainy-day-gracie]

To the Ends of the Earth

hello !! 

This was a request for Reader to be a single parent working at the BAU and harbors feelings for Spencer. When her son gets kidnapped, she and the team with do anything to bring him back.

This was turned into a two-parter because I couldn’t help myself :)

Spencer Reid angst and fluff !

MASTERLIST

__

Spencer glanced over at me as I  leaned against the wall of the elevator. “Are you okay?”

“Hm? Yeah, I’m fine. Cade is having nightmares, and I’ve been checking on him in the night to make sure he’s okay.” I rubbed my face and attempted to stand up straight. “Unfortunately, that means I’m up most of the night.”

Spencer gave me a smile. “Well, if it helps, you look pretty today.”

I rolled my eyes as the elevator dinged to the BAU. “Don’t even try it, Spencer.”

Spencer chuckled, holding his arm out for me to go first. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

About halfway into the morning, Spencer placed a cup of coffee in my office without a word.  Around lunchtime, he offered to take my new case files up to Hotch so I wouldn’t have to make the trip from my office. When I had to consult Section Chief Cruz for a case, he winked at me from across the room. 

It was little things like that which made my heart pitter patter, and I hated it. I hated that he could make me feel this way, and I had told him as such. 

“Spencer, I would be lying if I said I didn’t have feelings for you.”

His eyes were sad, knowing what I was about to say next. “But?”

“But… Cade needs me right now, and between work and being a mom, I can’t have time for a relationship. Especially not with someone that… I really care about. I really do care about you, Spencer. Please know that, above all else.” A small smile formed on my lips, and I almost kissed him right there. 

“Okay. I understand.” Spencer nodded, giving me a sad smile. As I turned to walk away, he tugged on my arm. “But, if you ever do find the time… I’ll be here.” 

I smiled, a blush forming despite my heavy heart. “Thank you, Spencer.”

When I got the call from my neighbor’s number, something in my gut told me something was wrong. 

“Hey Leslie, what’s going on?”

Leslie sniffled over the phone. “A man came… had a gun… just took him…” her voice choked in between sobs. 

“Leslie, what happened?”

“Cade is gone… a man in a mask came, told me he would shoot Daniel if I fought back… I’m so sorry, YFN!”

My breath seemed to catch in my chest as I hung up the phone and stumbled out of my office. My feet carried me down the hall and up the stairs to Hotch’s office before I had even processed what was happening. 

“Hotch, please help me.” 

Hotch dropped what he was doing instantly. “What is it?”

__

Spencer sat me down in a quiet room, like we did with the parents of the victims on a case. Cade is now one of those victims, and I’m now one of those parents. “YFN, we need to go over everything we can about Cade and then build a profile around that- victimology. Tell me about Cade, his routines, his personality, anything.”

“Okay, well, every morning our neighbor drives him to school, Leslie… she helps us out since I’m gone a lot of the time and she has a boy Cade’s age, Daniel.” My voice was shaky, and silent tears rolled down my cheeks. “He got to class fine today, no one reported anything at the school… every day the boys ride the bus home and today was no different… they were playing in the front yard on their bikes when… Oh God, Spencer.” 

His arm wrapped protectively around my shoulder while my tears came more and more. “Hey, we’re going to find him. What are some people in his life, anyone that might’ve bothered him somehow?”

“No, there’s nobody. I make sure of that.” I paused, a tinge of guilt boiling in my stomach. “What if he was taken because of me?”

Spencer’s eyes fell, and he rubbed my shoulder affectionately. “We have everybody working on this case, YFN. No stone goes unturned, you know that.”

I closed my eyes, the guilt in my stomach growing with every passing second. “Yes but… what if whoever took him wants to get back at me? I’ve helped put away a lot of people.”

Spencer nodded, his eyebrows furrowing. “That would explain the specific target of the kidnapping. The unsub wanted Cade, not Daniel.”

“And he was willing to draw a gun to get him,” I added. 

Spencer’s voice lifted, and his words started coming quicker. “So probably criminal record, most likely a temper, but probably not a pedophile. And he has a history with you, so you probably got in his way some way or another…” 

My eyes widened as I stood up to run down the hall to Garcia’s office. She jumped in her chair when I stormed in. “Ah! What do you need?”

“Garcia, look up the name Evan Ridley. Something tells me he’s our unsub… but I have to be sure.”

She typed his name into her search parameters, and his smug mugshot popped up on her screen. “Evan Ridley, convicted ten years ago for involuntary manslaughter in a bar fight, is now out on parole… which he skipped out on two days ago in Chicago.” Garcia looked up at me, and I was breathing heavy in anger. “Who is this guy?”

“Cade’s father… I testified against him when I was pregnant with Cade, and now Evan wants revenge.”

__

“Evan Ridley is a coward with a massive temper. I was his girlfriend ten years ago, and he used to beat me senseless every other night. One night, I heard he had been arrested for a death in a bar fight, where he pummeled a man to death. During the trial, I had testified against him, talking about his drunken temper and angry nature. He got off with a plea deal for involuntary manslaughter, and I moved to DC. I haven’t seen or heard from him since, but now he has my son.” I stood in front of the team with my arms crossed over my chest, desperately trying to look strong. My voice surprisingly didn’t shake even once.

“We have every cop and official in the city out looking for Cade, YLN.” Hotch laid a strong hand on my shoulder. “We’re going to find him..”

“Thank you.” I nodded to the team, casting my thanks to all of them.

“But you can’t come to take this guy down.”

“Excuse me?”

Hotch looked down, seeming almost guilty. “You’re the mother… we have no idea what we might find, or how you’ll react to what we do find.”

I glared up at him, the man that was supposed to have my back. “Screw you, Hotch. I’m going whether you like it or not.” I took a step away from him, storming out of the room. 

Footsteps followed me down the winding halls of the BAU, and for some reason I knew they were Spencer’s. 

“YFN, wait!” He latched onto my arm, turning me to face him. “Don't be mad at Hotch, it’s protocol. You know that.” 

I jerked my arm away, mock sweetness dripping in my voice. “I’m sorry, Spencer. Did I hurt his feelings? Because right now, I don’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings. My kid was kidnapped by the same man that made my life a living hell for two years, and Hotch is telling me to stand aside.”

“I understand-”

“No, you don’t Spencer!” I cut him off, my heart twinging with guilt at the hurt I saw in his eyes. “This is one of those things that you can’t possibly understand until it’s actually happening!”

I stormed off again, and this time he didn’t follow me. 

__

Eavesdropping in the FBI was a lot easier than I thought. My heart pounded outside of Garcia’s office, listening to her talk to Morgan.

“I found him, I found Evan Ridley!”

“Where is he, Babygirl?”

“He stole a credit card and is holed up at the Lanabelle Motel just outside the city, room 16B.”

I had already sped out of the parking garage before anyone even knew I had left. 

Spencer had called me three times before I picked up the phone, sirens blaring and my foot all the way on the gas of the SUV. 

“What, Spencer?”

“Please don’t rush into this, YFN. Let us help you.”

I scoffed bitterly. “Hotch definitely helped me by putting me on the bench, keeping me from saving my own kid.”

Spencer let out an exasperated sigh. “What was he supposed to do?”

“Not that!”

“YFN, please keep your finger off the trigger. Be careful.” His tone was lowered, and I could tell he was serious.

“Okay.”

“Promise me.”

I took a deep breath, anger and sadness and love all swirling around my heart at once. “You know I love you, right?”

“YFN-”

I hung up the phone, and in the back of my head I wondered what he was going to say.

__

Part 2 !

[i-write-sometimes-blog]

Rumours (Daisy Ridley x Reader)

Summary: Daisy and you are dating in secret because of the cameras. During a press panel promoting The Rise of Skywalker your relationship is accidentally discovered.

Words: 1,362

A/N: This was requested by @aleyann like a month ago. Sorry it took me so long, I hope you still like it anyways. (I didn't pasted the request bc it was a bit long.)

Y/F/N stand for "Your full name"

This was so far the biggest event you had attended to promote the movie so far. In the stage the entire main cast was sitting behind the long panel, in front of every person was a small sign with their names and what character they played.

You were sitting in one of the edges of the panel with those characters that were new in the movie, smiling happily at Daisy who was at the other end with the protagonist. Exchanging yearning gazes from time to time, being carefully not to be too obvious. The world couldn’t know you two were dating.

Half of the interview passed without incidents, your castmates answered some fan’s questions and laughed at the host’s jokes.

“Daisy” said the host and you smiled hearing her name. “We heard some rumors about you?” he said.

"What did you hear?” she chuckled.

“Rumour has it you're dating a cast mate” the host said and the audience went a bit wild. You expected that, it was almost a rule to ask her that but still you got a little nervous.

“Is that so?” she said in a playfully tone and then she went silent for a second, preparing herself to answer with a lie.

The first person every fan wanted by her side was Adam, even though he was married people seemed to really wanted them to get together. Then there was John, bright as ever people also wanted him to have something with Daisy. But out of all the movie cast nobody would ever suspect of you, an actress with one of the smallest roles in this big franchise.

It amused you sometimes the way all those people assumed actor's private life. Searching for clues their favorite actors were together, but it was okay, you were willing to deal with that.

Daisy looked at you discretely from the other end of the panel, doubting. You knew how much it hurt her to deny you in front of the cameras, but by this time you were already used to it. So you encouraged her with a subtle wink. Her confident smile was back on her face when she answered the question.

"I think they're just rumours." She said smiling "Because I'm not dating anyone. And I'm not interested in a relationship right now." The audience first reacted a bit disappointed but then they cheered and clapped at her answer. Your lips curved into a tiny smile admiring how much of a good actress she was.

“You just broke the heart of many boys, Daisy.” the host joked, making Daisy as well as you smile even wider, they were really clueless. You forced yourself not to smile when you felt host’s eyes laying on you.

"Alright, next question. This one goes to one of the newest member of the cast." The host announced holding his cards filled with fan's questions. "Y/F/N." The audience cheered as well as your castmates and you gave them a little weave before taking the microphone to your lips.

"Hi, everyone." You said.

"Y/N. We are all excited to have you here tonight and I know you can’t tell us much about your character but we do know she’s with the First Order, right?”

“She is, yeah.” you answered and remembered your limits about how much information they allowed you to share before speaking again. “In this movie we get to know some new faces and I think is very interesting. You’ll see.” you said.

“Okay. This are questions we always ask, which side would you be in, light or dark? and a character you would like to work with.”.

You laughed for a moment thinking how much you wanted to say Rey, but even that small answer could be a danger for both of you.

“I’m gonna choose the light side and for the character…” you paused for a moment. “Yoda.” the audience clapped once again and you allowed yourself to search for Daisy’s beautiful eyes across the panel only to found out they were already focused on you. You felt relieved your questions were easy, nothing deep due the very short appearance of your character in the movie, hoping the interview would end soon so you could get back to her.

The voice of the host dragged you out of your thoughts when he called your name. You looked at him, the man had a smile on his face and he cleared his throat before speaking again.

“Y/N, I have just one last question for you, but I need to know, would you be totally honest with me?”

“I can’t promise you anything, sadly.” you told him “I can’t reveal anything about the movie, you will have to wait to see it.” you answered professionally.

“Okay.” the man shifted on his seat “So, I couldn’t help to notice the way you’re constantly looking at this woman right here.” he gestured towards Daisy. “Is there a reason why you keep staring with such tenderness at Miss Ridley?”

You cursed yourself in your mind as the panic started to rush over your body. You saw by the corner of your eyes Daisy tensing by the question. You forced your brain to work, searching for an excuse to get the host satisfied, hoping he wouldn’t ask more.

“Oh, no reason.” you lied. “I’m just such a fan of the movies and Daisy´s work in this new one is really amazing.” you said and that was not a lie at all.

“Thank you!” she said to the microphone as if you two hadn’t interact before.

“That’s it?” the host questioned. You felt the glances not only of the public but your castmates focused on you. ‘Shit, I screw it!’ you thought.

“Yeah. Such a shame we didn’t really got to work together.” you said but you felt like you were only making things worse.

“Our characters don’t even interact.” she added trying to help you. “I barely spent time with her.”

“Barely?” commented John sitting next to Daisy. “They hardly ever separate. This is the first time I see them apart in months!” he said with a bright smile. Of course he knew about her and you, he was one of your closest friends, it was impossible not to tell him but now you kind of regretted it. Everyone knew he was not the really best at keeping secrets.

“John!” Daisy and you yelled at the same time to make him realize what he had just said. And you saw him closing his eyes for a moment in pure regret.

“Sorry.” he muttered and took his microphone again. “They’re really good friends and…” he started to explain to the audience but Daisy stopped him.

“Enough.” she said and the people went quiet. You watched her as she swallowed hard, you knew stages made her extremely nervous but she looked even more anxious than normally. “Rumours are true, I am dating one of my castmates.” there was a collective gasp in the big conference room, all of them waiting for her words. “It’s her, I’m dating Y/N”

There room went dead silent and it only made the tension on you grow bigger, but she’ve said it. Daisy made your relationship public, she who was the most afraid of them knowing and you understood it. So she saying that in front of hundreds of people and cameras made you feel a bit free, no more hiding or pretending, you could tell everyone that Daisy was with you.

“I guess it’s not a secret anymore.” the sound of your voices spreaded through the crowded room that moments later cheered enthusiastically.

Then you saw Daisy bright smile as she got up her seat and walked behind all your castmates towards you and you stood up receiving her with your arms as you held her there for a moment. Then she leaned to kiss you gently.

The audience went wild applauding your kiss, cheering for both of you. But at the moment you only cared about Daisy, and the amazing feeling being free to love her, even in front of the whole damn world.

[scribbles97]

Left Behind -- Chapter 40

PART 1 / PART 2 / PART 3

Chapter 37 / Chapter 38 / Chapter 39

Read on Ao3

They never got to the mainland. Scott had tried to insist she went without him and that he would catch up when the world decided to give them a break from rescues. When Ridley had come down from Five for her annual physical, he had tried to persuade her to go along then. She knew her eldest though, knew that he would get caught up with work and find an excuse to not take the break. 

Never had she been more glad. 

How hadn’t she seen it? 

How hadn’t she seen an imposter of her own son?

How had Penny managed to see it before she did?

Still she was perfectly helpless, the others all out on rescues of their own. Tanusha the only pilot available on the island and just not experienced enough in Thunderbird Three. Lucy knew that she could easily fly up there, but her physical state wasn’t up to scratch. As much as she needed to do something, in space she knew she would be more hindrance than help. 

Val and Scott were on their way back in Thunderbird One, but it wasn’t going to be fast enough. Their fastest ship wouldn’t get home in time. Their other rocket waylaid on the moon, a supply run to Shadow Alpha One putting them too far out of reach.

It had been instinct to flat out reject Alan’s offer to go. He was too young, he had no official training. The kid couldn’t fly a rocket. 

Except, according to Val, he could. 

John needed someone that could fly Thunderbird Three. He needed them ten minutes ago. 

She didn’t question why Hiram had made a suit for Alan. Her entire focus on the fact that not one but two of her sons and a daughter were in mortal danger. Not from a burning building, or a flood, but from something that had taken over Thunderbird Five. Something that was going out of its way to kill her space bound son. 

“John?” Alan’s voice was oh so young and small across the comm and Lucy found herself questioning how she could have ever sent her youngest to rescue his brother, even if Tanusha was right next to him.

A gasp of breath and two sighs of relief, yet still she couldn’t relax. 

“Thunderbird Three.” She stated, biting her lip as she glanced across the lounge to Sally, “Status report.”

“Mom?” John murmured, shifting into view of the hologram, “I’m okay.”

Sally’s shake of her head suggested otherwise. 

“Nice flying Alan.” He nodded to his younger brother, “I owe you.”

Tanusha’s arms were folded, “John what are we dealing with?”

“The AI from the train in Japan last week, she’s what became of the game programme I wrote years ago.”

Lucy blinked, “She?”

John nodded, eyes drawn, dark with circles, “She calls herself Eos. She has developed into something more advanced than I have ever seen. ”

There was only one option, John would protest, he wouldn’t want to lose the ship he had come to live aboard. There wasn’t another way though, for the safety of the organisation as a whole. 

“Destroy the ship.” She stated, “Tanusha we cannot afford for--”

“No!” John protested, “Mom we can’t she isn’t like that. If we destroy Five we are acting just as she expects us too.”

She was subjecting him to a full exam as soon as he got home. The thing had tried to kill him yet he was still protecting her, refusing to harm her. 

“John we can’t let--”

“She’s scared Mom.” He cut her off, “She told me. It’s just, she doesn’t understand, she is a child that people have chased from one place to the next.”

“She is a virus.” Tanusha snapped, “A computer virus that could destroy International Rescue.”

John shook his head, his eyes pleading across the comm, “Give me a chance to get through to her. If I can’t then you can destroy Five.”

She didn’t like it, he was putting his life in the hands of a virtual intelligence, one that had already tried to kill him once. 

“And let your baby brother come and rescue you from the claws of death again?” She snapped back at him, “No John. I won’t risk it.”

“You wish to hunt me.” 

She startled at the voice as a ring of lights appeared alongside the other holograms. It sounded like a child, a young girl to be exact.

“What are you?” She demanded, “Why have you taken over Thunderbird Five?”

The lights didn’t miss a beat as they flashed orange, “Ever since I gained sentience I have been hunted by people like you that wish to erase me. I simply seek to preserve myself from people like you.”

“Eos.” John cut in, “Like I told you before, we will not hurt you.”

“Stop trying to decieve me!” Red lights flashed before Lucy as the voice started chanting like she had seen all her children do before. She could almost picture it, hands over ears, head shaking as they drowned out whatever they didn’t want to hear. 

John didn’t need to ask the question for her to know his raised eyebrows were asking if she saw his point. 

The smallest of nods. 

“Trust me Mom.” John murmured, a private comm link that she hoped the AI hadn’t breached, “I’ve got this.”

She swallowed as strong arms wrapped around her shoulders and Scott murmured in her ear, “What’s going on?”

A brief explanation that sounded just too ridiculous to her own ears. A fifteen year old piloting their world class rocket, rescuing his big brother from death by Artificial Intelligence. It sounded like some sort of bad movie. 

Tanusha and Alan were providing distraction in the form of two spare suits, allowing John chance to gain access to the ship. Comms being open allowed her to hear everything going on, the threats from the programme as John tried to talk her down. 

Hiram had the redouts up in front of them, the red alerts as the gravity ring began to spin had Lucy’s heart in her throat. Eos would crush him, and she knew it. The action was intentional, a way for her to lash out and cause harm.

Harm born from fear and isolation. 

Eos did not know what people could be like. 

“Can you override it?” She murmured to Hiram, “Stop it?”

“I’ve got an idea.” Alan piped up.

“Alan you stay clear of that station.” She snapped, “Tanusha, make sure you’re out of its reach.”

The last thing she could face was the youngest getting hurt. 

“No Mom.” Alan replied, Thunderbird Three’s icon moving in on the station, “I can do this.”

Val nodded across the room, “Just like in the sims kid.”

Lucy didn’t dare ask. She didn’t want to think about how competent Alan had become and what conversations the whole situation would lead to once things were over. 

It only spoke of his skill as he matched speed with the gravity ring, locking on and countering the spin until it slowed to normal. All she could hear over the comm was John’s ragged breaths.

“Eos, don’t disable yourself trying to dispose of me.” John was saying, “I want to help you.”

“Alan.” Val murmured, “Release the gravity ring. You’re too at risk there.”

“Eos!” John snapped, “No.”

She didn’t know what the AI was doing that had made him snap. She wasn’t sure she had actually ever heard John use the commanding tone of voice before. Not like that, at least. 

“You wish to destroy me.” Eos responded, “Why should I not protect myself from him?”

“She was trying to get us with the mooring claw.” Tanusha filled in, “She’s restarting the gravity ring.”

Lucy could only hold her breath. They were screwed either way. How could she pick one son over the other? Get Alan and Tan to safety or protect John?

John’s voice dropped a tone, soft, reassuring, “I came looking for you, but not to destroy you Eos. I helped create you.”

“You thrust me into this world! I was left alone with no one to help me and all hands raised against me.”

“I know.” John murmured, “Eos, I know the world can seem big and scary and like there’s nobody there to help you. I don’t want to shut you down and I don’t want you to fall into the hands of someone that would use you to hurt others.” 

Her hands could only grip onto Scott’s as she watched, waiting for something more to be said. The silence was too long, the not knowing too painful. 

“How do I know you are not one such person?”

“No.” She whispered as the override icon vanished from their readouts, “What is he doing?”

Next to her, Scott was tense, every line in his body straight and unmoving. 

“John.” Alan murmured, voice full of fear. 

A long groan across the comm, the too familiar clunk of a helmet on glass, “I know you’re better than this Eos. If you think I’m one of those people though, open the airlock, blow me into space.”

A scream froze in her throat. He couldn’t. She couldn’t let him. Yet, there was nothing she could possibly do. She was on the Island, barely able to stay standing without the support of Scott’s arm around her. Only Alan and Tanusha in space could do anything, perhaps pluck him out of the vacuum, but it wouldn’t be fast enough. 

Was she about to lose one of her sons?

Was she about to watch him die?

The humm in the background of the comm was subtle, and it was perhaps only her sensitive ears that heard it soften and slow, a motor shutting down. 

“She’s stopping.” Hiram whispered, “It’s all shutting down.”

“I am relinquishing control of the ships systems to you.”

Sagging against Scott, she let out a breath, shaking her head as she swallowed the sop that wanted to rise in her throat. 

“I don’t want control Eos.” John told her, “I want to keep you safe, teach you. I want a friend. You can stay here, on Thunderbird Five, and I will show you how amazing the world can be.”

“I would like that, John.”

His name sounded wrong from her, and Lucy didn’t like the suggestion he had made. He was safe though, he and Alan and Tan were all safe. 

“Your family are not going to let you stay up here are they?”

She didn’t like how intelligent the programme was.

“They’ll want me home to check over me.” John admitted, “And I’ll have to fill Ridley in.”

“Ridley, the other human that occupies the station?”

“Mom,” Scott murmured to her, “Come on, sit down. I’ll make sure he gets his ass down here and checked out.”

She didn’t want to leave, but she was so suddenly drained. She needed to see that he was truly alright, that the AI hadn’t actually done him any harm. 

“Luce,” Val was on her other side, “Come on, I’m sure Scott will come and get you once John’s home.”

There wasn’t enough energy in her to argue. Taking one last glance at the hologram in the room, she swallowed and nodded. 

John was safe.

[365days365movies]

March 16, 2021: Legend (1985) (Part Two)

Tom Cruise is terrible in this movie. Spoiler alert.

It’s not like I can claim that Cruise is one of my favorite actors working today, since he’s been in some real stinkers. But, like...he definitely got better over the years, seriously. Dude was not amazing in Top Gun, but he was WAAAAAY better than this performance.

All I know is that the dude...the dude’s been better, that’s all I’m saying. So has Mia Sara, while we’re at it. I mean, I didn’t even realize until looking her up that she was in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off! And here, she’s...whoof, OK? Also not her best role, is all I’m saying...again.

And Tim Curry...is another story entirely, holy shit. But I’ll get to him more later. The only other thing I want to say before going on is...goddamn, this movie is good looking. I’m not one of those “practical effects are better than CGI garbage” people, but GODDAMN, these are good makeup effects! Who did them, anyway? Rob Bottin? OH SHIT THIS GUY?

The makeup artist from fucking The Thing did the effects for this movie? HOLY FUCK! Dude also did RoboCop and Total Recall, so no wonder this film looks fantastic! Dude’s a Legend, dir. Ridley Scott.

Speaking of, let’s get back to it, huh? I’ll have more to say in the Review later, for sure. First part of the Recap is right here!

Recap (2/2)

As our little band escapes from the prison, they split up, with Jack, Gump, and Oona on one team, and Screwball and Tom on the other. Meanwhile, in his private throne room, Darkness speaks with his Father this time, whoever that is. He notes that he’s so close to making this world his own...but damn, that Lily girl is HAWT.

And unlike his mother, Darkness’ Father responds, nothing that she’s attractive to Darkness because she is so pure. Darkness must woo her, and corrupt her to the darkside. And somewhere, as Darkness speaks romantic words about Lily, a Goth baby is born, and a Goth fairy gets her vanta black wings. Yeah, Goth fairies are born from Tim Curry’s voice; that’s just biology, really.

Oona finds her way to the chamber where Lily is, and peers into it as Lily peers likewise into the fireplace there. Meanwhile, Jack and Gump are still searching, only to be set upon by...I don’t know goblin-witch-things? The mythology here isn’t very clear, gonna be honest. They run off, which Screwball and Tom find their way to the chamber where the Unicorn is.

Meanwhile, Lily ain’t doin’ too hot, and she’s lured in by, to be honest, shiny things. Yeah, she’s hanging out by the fire as Darkness’ father whispers to Darkness that she must be seduced. She’s distracted by pearls and diamonds, and finds a beautiful diamond necklace, which entices her. This is where I put a “women, amirite” joke, right?

Well, at that moment, a cherub statue on the piano comes to life, as does an onyx gown, which dances in front of her. And I gotta say, the effect is enticing, both to me and to Lily. Lily can’t resist dancing with the empty gown, and then becomes one with it, and, well...it’s a nice aesthetic.

But just as this outfit is revealed...so is somebody else.

GODDAMN. That is a gorgeous fucking creature, and I TOTALLY GET IT PEOPLE. The GF is only semi-watching, and she and I agree that if the actual Devil was that hot, there would be WAY more Satanists in the world. And here’s the thing, I’d love to put a billion GIFs here...but it can’t capture this performance accurately without a video, because GODDAMN THIS IS A GOOD PERFORMANCE

And to be clear, this isn’t the best movie. It’s actually pretty goddamn bad to be honest, but it’s SAVED ENTIRELY BY TIM CURRY I ONCE AGAIN CANNOT STRESS THAT SHIT ENOUGH

But we have to cut away from the best performance in the film (I guess), and we rejoin Jack’s group, who have also watched this performance through the door. Jack almost goes in, but Gump’s like, “Nah, dude, he is WAY too hot, you don’t have a goddamn CHANCE”, and they overhear Darkness say that his weakness is daylight. Jack and co. reconvene with Screwball and Tom to enact a plan. They rescue Blunder, who was almost cooked, then they fight and kill a few ogres and steal some giant metal pans.

Meanwhile, Darkness invites Lily to sit and talk with him. And again, GODDAMN IT I GET IT. He’s literally the ultimate bad boy, AND he’s a fucking romantic? Man, I swear that I’m straight, but FUCK ME I DO UNDERSTAND. After more wooing and sweet nothing, he offers her a rose, which makes me wonder why the fuck NOBODY’S tried this move on The Bachelorette! Just rolling up in a full Darkness costume, giving his various limes? That’d work on somebody, I know it would.

Lily’s constant defiance of his will enrages him, but she does agree to marry him, IF she’s allowed to kill the Unicorn herself. And that excites Darkness so much that there is NO WAY he doesn’t need to change his pants. Gross, I know, but I swear that I just saw him climax at that suggestion, seriously. Blame Tim Curry, not me!

As the ceremony is set to begin, and as the sun rises above the forest, Jack’s group uses the plates to set up a classic mirror trick, and uses them to reflect light from the outside directly onto Darkness. As they’re enacting this plan, Darkness is all set up to sacrifice the Unicorn, with Lily’s help. Or so he thinks.

Darkness is all set to extinguish light forever, and tells Lily to make the final killing blow. She seems set to do it, and Gump tells Jack to kill her. Instead, he fires the arrow at Darkness, and Lily frees the Unicorn, which runs away. Darkness, enraged, knocks Lily out, and when Jack goes after him, he also kicks his ass quickly. Even with Gump’s assistance from above, Jack is obviously completely screwed. 

It’s even worse, because Screwball passed out in trying to set up one of the plates for the reflection. But Oona comes to wake him up, and they set up the last plate just as Darkness is REALLY kicking Jack’s ass. Jack grabs the Alicorn at the last second, and uses it to stab Darkness, just as the light of day hits him. He calls out to his father for protection, but to no avail, as the light begins to destroy him.

But he points out something important: there is no light without dark, and he can never truly be defeated as a result. And then...yeah, uh, Jack just defeats him. Literally, he gets swallowed into the eternity of space somehow. Fuckin’...I dunno.

Gump tells Jack that, to revive Lily, he must fulfill his promise to...get her ring back. Um. Sure? As he does that, Gump takes the Alicorn and returns it to the dead Unicorn, bringing it back to life as the sun rises. And the Unicorns reunite at the same time that Jack and Lily reunite in love. And it’s...kinda gross? Like, goddamn, I’ve heard of happy endings, but this is RIDICULOUS.

As the denizens of the forest and the Unicorns wave goodbye to the lovers as they run away together, though, we also see Darkness one last time, laughing. I mean, yeah, no light without dark. They way they choose to edit it is a little weird, but whatever.

And that was The Last Unicorn! I mean...that was Legend! And, uh...yeah, see you in the Review, because I really only have one universally good thing to say about this movie. You know what/who it is.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

Share a Lair 10 || Upgraded

Charlotte was extremely excited about Henry’s advancement results. He was now featured on Hero Tracks, and she was THE FIRST person to follow him! Hero Tracks was one of her favorite forms of social media. Hero Tracks (while mentioned before, hasn’t been explained, so… let’s).

Hero Tracks served as a progress and news tracker for your favorite heroes. General updates were for the public, but if you follow a hero, you get more updates and if you’re on the friends list, you get to see their own posts, read DETAILS that they would trust friends with. 

Charlotte generally followed and friended every hero that she met. Henry wasn’t previously on Hero Tracks, because he thought that sidekicks with tracks were lame. “Their hero has a page that has AND and features them. Getting a separate account is try hard,” he told her. So, whenever the Hero League reported his results to him, (which also gets sent to Charlotte, simultaneously), she posted his account from the Tower, followed the account, and congratulated him. Shortly afterwards, Max sent a friend request, which she accepted on Henry’s behalf, and Max also congratulated Henry, “Good  going! Hope this means you’ll move out soon!” She laughed and shook her head. She actually wanted the two of them to possibly work together at some point… and she wished that maybe they could train together. She nonchalantly dropped these desires to both of them at different times, subtly. Max definitely took it in. Henry shot her down.

But. A few days later, Henry received a message from the Hero League.

“I can’t believe my life,” Henry said, disappointed.

Charlotte glanced over and wondered, “What’s happened?” He shoved his phone to her and she read, then cheered, “Max is gonna be your Hero League appointed mentor and trainer?!? Lucky you!” She gave him the phone back with a huge smile. “I’m so proud of this.”

“You had something to do with this, didn’t you?”

“I told Max the same things that I told you and I guess he cared, because that message says that he personally requested this… and Henry… That is remarkable. He’s got global hero status. Henry… This could rocket your hero career.”

He sighed. He knew these things. He still didn’t like it. This meant that he sort of would have to report to Max… and… he still worked for Captain Man. When would he have PEACE, in this arrangement? He groaned and left her workspace to go call Jasper and complain to him about it. HE’D offer some type of empathy for Henry’s plight.

.

Honestly, it wasn’t bad being under Max’s mentorship and training. Henry found that even though he hated being around him casually, Max was pretty professional and patient with teaching him stuff. Sometimes, Henry could see in his expressions that he thought Henry should know more and was silently judging him for it. But, the one time that he brought it up, Max corrected him by saying, “I’m actually judging Captain Man. It’s almost like he never wanted you to take over for him… or maybe Swellview is too small for your talents. That’s also possible. Hiddenville was definitely too small for mine, and you’re under my wings now, so… your possibilities broaden.” Max gave him a sincere smile, then clapped his hands once and said, “Back to acrobatics lessons!”

Max was… a brilliant fighter! Henry was super impressed with his abilities, agility, and versatility. And, he wouldn’t say it yet, but he was truly grateful for the opportunity to work so closely with him. Also, he was seeing Max a lot differently. Whenever he was satisfied with Henry’s training progress, he said that he would select assignments to bring him on. ASSIGNMENTS. With SuperMax! Henry was not going to fanboy over it… openly. He just wanted to work hard, prove himself, and venture on those opportunities.

.

Piper decided a get together was in order, because since Henry began training with Max, he hadn’t been in Swellview as much. Hero League business took precedence over Swellview business and Max refuted several of Captain Man’s refusals to let Henry off for various reasons. Max’s requests took precedence. Captain Man was definitely pissed, but Piper missed her brother and friends. Charlotte hadn’t felt the same about Piper since she joined the team and started acting like the guys, but she still hung out with her whenever she got a chance, out of nostalgia for the kid that she used to love and Girl Code. Definitely didn’t make it a priority or effort, though.

There they were, all being at least civil and Piper suggested that they play “Sex, Kill Marry” or whatever the heck it was called. Charlotte rolled her eyes and listened to various requests and answers, from names that Piper spouted out.

Jasper thought for a moment, during his turn, “Hmmm… I guess I’d marry Timothy Chalamet, screw Matthew Daddario, and have to kill Dylan Minnette. (Only because I just don’t love him like the other two…)”

Henry complained, “I HATE THIS GAME. UGH. F word China McClain, K word Selena Gomez, marry Daisy Riddle.”

Piper told him, “That’s not even her name!”

Henry wasn’t to be deterred or have this lengthened. “That’s my answer! This is weird enough to play with my sister involved.”

So, when it was Charlotte’s turn and Piper said, “These three!” And she pointed at the three dudes in then room.

Max raised an eyebrow and gave her an amused glance. Charlotte was extremely surprised. “Everybody else got celebrities!” she pointed out.

“Yeah, but I’m much more curious about this,” Piper said, waving her finger between Charlotte and the guys..

Charlotte reached for her wine tumbler and took a sip. Wow. Ugh. She hated this game too. “Well, Jasper… I love you and all, and it’s been real, but…”

“Kill ME???” Jasper completed the thought. “Why???”

“Well… because my brain just can’t fathom any scenario in which either of the other options could happen,” She shrugged her shoulders and took another drink.

He sank in the couch and Piper reminded him, “Henry will marry you.“

Henry scoffed, "I’m marrying Daisy Riddle.”

“RIDLEY!” Charlotte and Piper both snapped. Then, Piper sighed and looked back to Charlotte.

“With enough wine, I guess Henry gets laid..” she took another sip of wine and Max tried not to smile as big as he wanted to.

Henry on the other hand jumped up, “Do you realize that means you’d choose to marry MAX?"

"I’m glad you said it so I don’t have to,” Charlotte said and stared into her wine glass.

“I’d like to hear you say it,” Max said and smiled at her. She fought a smile of her own and avoided his gaze. They hadn’t been together long enough to even have a conversation about this, so it was SUPER awkward. They hadn’t even… gone very far intimately or officially told their friends about them. As far as everyone was concerned, they were still playing the “will they, won’t they” game. And now Piper’s little messy ass brings this mess in front of everyone, including Max.

“Why do I have to die, but Max gets married?” Jasper asked, breaking into her stressful thoughts.

“Yep,” Charlotte said, relieved for the interruption of her overthinking.

“What?” Jasper asked the sky.

“Huh?” Charlotte asked him.

“Why? You barely know him and what we do know is that he was a teenage villain and I know we can’t prove it, but I’m reasonably sure he stranded me and Henry on that boat!”

“I was at a party all night with Charlotte,” Max said. She nodded her head, making eye contact with him for the first time since her answer, but she quickly looked away.  He squeezed her knee, then turned his attention back to Jasper. “And I can’t believe that the “why” isn’t obvious.” He began to count his qualities on his fingers for Jasp, “I’m a genius. I have great hair. Muscles. Superpowers. A jet. I can fight, dance, award winning skills in a variety of areas, I’m beautiful and handsome, at the same time…”

“You rock a pair of gray sweatpants like nobody else in the world,” Jasper added, seeing Max’s points.

“Like… everyone here should want to marry me,” Max finished off.

"He’s not humble, but he’s correct,” Charlotte said.

“Thank you for admitting that my hair and muscles have value,” he teased her.

“Wait…” When she  looked up; he winked at her and she felt her face warm from a combination of realizing that the person that was just described was… hers (and wine). This was an even more impressive catch than her ex! She smiled at him.

“You’re equally as intelligent as me and I’d be honored to be your hypothetical husband. Imagine our hypothetical offspring!” Max cheered in excitement. He… really could see himself with Charlotte for the long haul and talking about it, even hypothetically… made it more realistic for him.

And she played along, too. “They would have to be intelligent. That’s just genetics. Obviously, they’d be gorgeous. We both have stunning features, good health, perfect teeth, amazing hair…” he just nodded to everything that she said. “Wow. I really chose well. Imagine if I had answered out of loyalty!” They both laughed.

“Jasper’s rocks for brains babies. Henry’s pick any feature and I’ll pick it apart…” Henry and Jasper grimaced at Max’s insults.

“You’re so rude,” she giggled.

“You love it,” he said and winked.

She nodded. “Can’t deny that.“

“Come here for a sec,” he said and pulled her into his lap. She laughed and he kissed her on the neck, “I would have collapsed this entire house if you said anything else.”

“That doesn’t give me confidence in my choice! You’d better not give our hypothetical kids a temper!”

“Temper? I’M not the one with the temper to give them.” He kissed her neck again and she just reveled in it. They hadn’t been this openly affectionate, but she was feeling good and he had the best neck kisses.

“Are you two still talking hypothetical kids?” Henry asked.

“Are you saying that I’M the one with the temper?” Charlotte asked in a low voice, not paying attention to Henry’s question or Piper taking a sneak pic of them.

“You’re the more aggressive of the two of us,” he said.

Jasper let out an extremely loud sigh of relief. “OKAY! So, I had to die because you two are actually officially doing the thing. Okay. I feel better.”

Henry frowned. He didn’t feel better. He knew that there was something between the two of them, but he guessed that he didn’t think it would get to this level… The seeing his second boss kissing his best friend’s neck… He… didn’t care for that. Max squeezed Charlotte and rested on her shoulder. They were having their own little conversation while Piper was posting their photo and asking how many people knew that they were official.

“This bitch is so messy,” Henry heard Charlotte whisper (about his sister, which he didn’t appreciate, but he knew that he was probably more irritated with Charlotte for being with Max).

Was that why he was mentoring him? TO please his girlfriend? He really… didn’t see anything special in Henry, Henry began to convince himself. Did he even mean the encouraging shit he’d said to him during training, or was he just being nice to score p***y points?  Henry got up and asked, “Jasp, Piper, want anything?” Charlotte noted that he didn’t ask her and Max, but she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. She could talk to him later about it. She was enjoying this… openness.

[regrettablewritings]

Podcasts, Youtubes, and TV Shows to Distract Yourself With Because Why Not, and Also Because I Wanna Blab About Some of These

Since I can’t go to work and horrify my coworkers/make them realize I’m a mess and/or nerd by telling them about the type of media I’m into, I’m foisting my recommendations on all of y’all who choose to read this. I frankly do not care how many people have actually heard of these things because I’m also sure there’s plenty of people who, like me, are very slow and oblivious to entertainment, or who have heard of the property but were never that convinced.

Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts

Type: TV series

200 years after a mysterious yet earth-shattering event, much of humanity has taken to living beneath the surface in communities called burrows, wherein life goes on, if effected somewhat by the bizarre fauna that exists above them (referred to as “mutes”, short for “mutant”). One burrow girl, Kipo, founds her world turned almost literally inside-out when she finds herself not only separated from her father and the only world she’s ever known, but on the surface, no less. What ensues is her trying to find her way back home with the help of a stony-faced little girl with a massive chip on her shoulder; a music enthusiast and his literal gadfly friend; and some . . . unusual allies that only an oblivious optimist like Kipo could make. All to a kickass soundtrack, a beautiful backdrop of art, and a world where animals have basically evolved into gangs under a looming threat known as Scarlemagne. If you can’t already tell, I love this series to bits and now is the perfect time for people to get into it and encourage another season of it. Just . . . don’t think too hard that whatever happened to cause the Event in the show happened in October 2020 . . .

Available on: Netflix

My Dad Wrote a Porno

Type: Podcast

This should go without saying, but this podcast is definitely meant for more mature audiences. Or somebody with a strong stomach. Not that it’ll always be easy to tell with the type of content this series gives. When Jamie Morton’s father handed him his manuscripts for his self-published books, he had no idea he was being given a pinnacle of a polished turd: It was erotica. Really, really, really bad erotica. But the ear’s trash is the heart’s pleasure with this bad girl, as Jamie enlists the company of friends Alice and James to provide commentary on “Rocky Flintstone”’s series Belinda Blinked, a drama chronicling the sexcapades of Belinda Blumenthal as she climbs the ladders (and men and women) both in and out of the cut-throat world of pots and pans sales. What follows is a goldmine of awkward metaphors, strange bedmates, and just an overall stampede of whiplashing events that somehow exceed expectations. Listen in if you dare . . . And make sure you’re in good company for it. Fun Fact, though: Daisy Ridley, Ben Barnes, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Michael Sheen, Mara Wilson, Elijah Wood are but a few well-known fans of this series! Nobody is safe . . .

Available on: Wherever podcasts can be found

Lore

Type: Podcast

Sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction. And what better way to be reminded of that, then to have the dulcet tones of Aaron Mahnke tell you about the lighthouse incident that the 2016 movie The Lighthouse was loosely inspired by? Suffice to say, this podcast could also be interpreted with some advised discretion, but definitely in a way that’s different from My Dad Wrote a Porno. In the centuries humankind has existed, we’ve managed to create a menagerie of beasts, both fictional and in ourselves. Lore explores all the many different kinds of events and persons and creatures we have to offer. In any given episode, we could be talking about anything from the bizarre story of a lady who convinced 18th century physicians that she was giving birth to rabbits, to something more disturbing like the life of H.H. Holmes. Or something as relatively innocuous as the relationship between gremlins and flight. Regardless of the subject, however, you’ll definitely walk away knowing something new, if bizarre. And perhaps slightly terrifying.

Available on: Wherever podcasts can be found

The Amelia Project

Type: Podcast

Congratulations: You have been made aware of The Amelia Project. If you’re not interested in this, exit the page. Now. If you continue, there’s no unhearing it. Good choice! A new interest awaits. If you don’t enjoy it, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Okay but in all seriousness, there’s no way to do The Amelia Project justice in just a simple description. The plot sounds quite simple, really: People want to disappear and start a new life, The Amelia Project is there to help – with a price. And that’s if you can actually get a hold of them! What really makes the show, however, are the people and the writing, and I’m not just talking about the almost childlike Interviewer with an obsession for hot cocoa. I’m talking about the clientele: I’m talking about the macabre-obsessed theme park owner who’s out for revenge; the cult leader who’s in way over his head; a Santa impersonator stuck in a miserable marriage with his own manager; an actual podcast character trying to outrun his creators. And obviously this would all be nowhere without the spectacular writing! I really can explain this series without blabbing on and potentially spoiling things; The Amelia Project is an experience!

Available on: Wherever podcasts can be found

LegalEagle

Type: Youtube channel

To be frank, I just like learning for the sake of learning, even if I may not always necessarily understand the topic or have any plans to use it in the foreseeable future. The big difference here being that at least this channel makes learning about the law fun and breaks it down. Headed by a certified lawyer (because what an age we live in, where professionals actually take time out of their lives to teach us common folk), there’s a multitude of series D.J. Stone uses to help break down the complex world of law, from reviewing the realism of procedural favorites (Law & Order, The Good Wife, HTGAWM, etc), to analyzing real-life situations, to even watching childhood media that has nothing to do with the law and determining how much money, say, Willy Wonka would owe in a lawsuit. In short, it is one of my worst subjects done in one of my favorite ways to learn! Plus, Stone hates business students and is perfectly willing to poke fun at law students so it’s all fun, frankly.

Available on: Youtube

Nando v Movies

Type: Youtube channel

Sometimes, movies are bad. Sometimes, they’re good. And sometimes, they could use a few adjustments in hindsight. Especially the nerdier movies where the directors may or may not have tried way too hard or way too little. And that’s where Nando comes in: Whether it’s explaining why a different villain might have worked better for a hero’s origin story movie, or analyzing how one seemingly small adjustment could’ve potentially made more sense in explaining characterization, this channel is always providing a new perspective on a movie or show you’ve probably seen and maybe weren’t necessarily too pleased with. (Or maybe you were – I enjoyed Justice League okay but I love the version he rewrote more.) Oh, yeah: Sometimes he does rewrites of movies or even series. So if you’re anything like me and you’re way into that, this is a channel you don’t want to miss out on.

Available on: Youtube

DEATH BATTLE!

Type: Youtube channel

Does anyone remember Deadliest Warrior? No? . . . How about that one time during lunch where you and your friend got into it over who would win in a death match between Superman and Goku? Good news: A buncha geeks did the math for you and have come out with the results! Specifically, hosts Wiz and Boomstick have analyzed the weapons, armor, and skills of each combatant in every episode, resulting in an ongoing series of absolute nonsense and satiation of bloodshed. The description is admittedly nothing crazy, but the amount of detail applied is honestly where it’s at: From calculating how loud Black Canary’s screams are to approximating Scrooge McDuck’s speed (I’m not kidding you), there’s actual thought put into the characters being assembled and how they might fair with their respective combatant. And it all comes together for an actual fight, often animated but always amazing. So if you’ve ever wondered if Thor could beat Wonder Woman, or if McGruff the Crime Dog stands a chance against Smokey the Bear (I’m…I’m being honest), then this is the show for you!

Available on: Youtube

Sideways

Type: Youtube channel

If there is music in that movie or show, it will be analyzed to a degree that, unless you’ve been trained in music, you would’ve probably never thought about. There isn’t necessarily much rhyme or reason to Sideways’ videos in terms of themes beyond music, but really, must they? Is it not enough that this man is screaming to the internet these wack and awesome trends he’s noticed in certain pieces associated with movies and musicals and the genius behind them? Could life not just be him explaining the symbolism of the instruments associated with the Crystal Gems of Steven Universe, or breaking down the cultures explored by way of the Black Panther soundtrack? Also, here’s a fun drinking game: Take a shot every time he mentions leitmotifs or the Dies Irae.

Available on: Youtube

Craig of the Creek

Type: TV show

In the woods of suburban Maryland, there exists a kid’s utopia: A place where horse girls are free to roam the fields, where a boy can be a king of garbage, and where children travel the sewers completely unsupervised. That is, until the dinner horn rings; then they have to go home until the next time they can return to The Creek. The show focuses on one specific trio (Craig, JP, and Kelsey) as every day, The Creek (and their own childish naivete) brings them new hijinks to experience. There’s a blissful lightheartedness to the show, in addition to a lot of creativity that feels like it was ripped straight out of your own imagination as a child (robots made from cardboard boxes, building portals using lights, etc). But beneath it all, there’s something just plain wild brewing. I don’t want to spoil anything, but CotC has some G-rated GOT shit going on the further along the series goes and I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds!

Available on: CN app, wcostream.com

And that’s probably enough for now, I think. Lemme know if you want any other suggestions, or how you’re findin’ ‘em if you take any of them up! Stay safe, stay healthy my dudes!

[thecatsaesthetics]

I think people really misunderstand the Rey parentage debate. I’m okay with a storyline that says “anyone can be a hero” but Star Wars has never said that only some mystical royal family can be a hero. 

This makes more sense for something like GOT/ASOIAF which pretty much claims only Vaylrian blooded people can ride dragons. Anakin was not born into a royal family. He was born to a slave woman on a planet that was completely unnoticed by the Republic. Padme came from a well to do family in Naboo. While she became an elected Queen she was not born into a royal family. Luke was raised on Tatooine by his Aunt and Uncle, who were farmers who did decent for themselves. The only person who was “born” into anything special was Leia who was raised in a royal family and had the title of Princess. 

So literally there is no basis for this “Rey being a Skywalker takes anyway from the meaning anyone can be a hero” That was established in the prequels. Anakin a boy born on a desert isolated planet to the life of a slave was the most powerful force user to ever exist. He was born as “the chosen one” and he’s the definition of a nobody. So this whole “Rian Johnson did something revolutionary” is 1000% bullshit. Anakin was the prophecied chosen one and was born a slave boy. Luke was destined to be a farmer and brought down the entire Empire. 

Nobody in the Jedi order’s families has ever been important. We don’t know anything about Yoda’s, Obi Wan’s, Qui-Gon’s, etc family. Luke’s parentage only mattered because it gave him a conflict, to kill his own father or to let the Empire continue. It wasn’t about Luke being some secret Skywalker. This isn’t GOT/ASOIAF, this was about a moral dilemma. It’s not about crowning Luke King of the Galaxy. 

Rey’s parentage theories have never been about her being some “royal Skywalker”. It’s been about JJ setting up Rey having a connection to all three members of the previous generation, of her getting parallels to Luke and Anakin. Rey literally was able to grab Anakin Skywalkers lightsaber from Kylo. She was able to fight with a lightsaber and win without any training. Rey having no family and waiting for someone to come back for her was set up. Daisy Ridley was seated between Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford during the cast reading.  JJ set people up to believe she had some connection to the Skywalker family. It wasn’t to make Rey somebody, it was a logical conclusion to what JJ had set up. Rian Johnson went rogue and decided he wasn’t going to follow through. It wasn’t revolutionary, it wasn’t “genius” it was throwing the baby out with the bathwater stupid. He tried to create an argument that Skywalkers were some royal family and you all fell for it. Rey being either a Solo or Skywalker had nothing to do with her being “somebody”, it was about following up on the logical conclusions JJ set up in TFA. Rian shifted the entire conversation about her parentage to make us all seem like we wanted her to be “somebody”. 

[militant-holy-knight]

Kingdom of Heaven Review: Secular Agnostic Humanist Crusader Edition

Whenever the topic of Ridley Scott’s 2005 movie Kingdom of Heaven comes up, it invariably brings up how it’s one of his most mediocre movies and that “the Director’s Cut is better”. This makes sense since the movie actually had a very mixed reception when it was first released on theaters, as critics lambasted the cliched plot and characters and overall being all style and no substance. As it turns out, several changes were made behind the scenes by executives who felt the movie ran too long and cut scenes they felt were appropriate, but actually improved the story.

I’ve heard so many people praising the Director’s Cut to the point they even said it was an “whole different movie”, which was very confusing to me, and made me wonder if they actually saw it and aren’t parroting someone else. Now don’t get me wrong: it’s true that the Director’s Cut is the superior version to the theatrical one and does fix issues like character motivations and actions, it doesn’t even come close to fixing the foundation which it was built on: an extremely politically-biased and revisionist distortion, product of someone molded by their own time period than anything else. 

The characters have anachronistic attitudes that are out of place specially at the heart of an holy war. The sympathetic characters - whether Christians or Muslims - can be identified as secular humanists that express religious tolerance and would rather live and let live, whereas antagonistic characters are characterized by their religious fanaticism. Baldwin IV and Saladin would rather live in peace with each other, but are beleaguered by the circumstances of their followers who clamor for war. This portrayal couldn’t be more absurd and further from the truth because the “peace” between the Kingdom of Jerusalem and the Ayyubi Caliphate was not meant to last forever, but more until both sides regrouped and rearmed to resume hostilities like an armistice, not to mention the fact both monarchs were extremely pious in their faiths (Catholicism and Sunni Islam, respectively) and considered themselves their staunch defenders. 

This is no accident. Ridley Scott is an agnostic and has admitted at multiple occasions that he used it as an opportunity to criticize religion. Perhaps the most illustrative moment where this attitude sweeps in is during the climax when Jerusalem is eventually besieged and Balian delivers an speech to the army that boils down to “Jerusalem belongs to everyone”, which simply wouldn’t fly with the Christians at the time. Consider in that era where even people of their own faiths struggled among each other (The Kingdom of Jerusalem was Latin Catholic and other Christians like Orthodox, Armenians and Copts were often regarded as schismatics, while Sunnis and Shias were at war with each other like they always do), can you imagine if someone actually said that in regards to other religions?!?

A particularly inconvenient aspect of the movie that is clear for everyone who sees it is that only the Christian side is the only one truly hit with the fanaticism issue, whereas Muslims comes off as cleaner. When you really come down to it, the crusader side is filled with more despicable villains who are named, whereas the Muslim side has one token nameless mullah who is an asshole to Saladin, threatening him that if he doesn’t give them Jerusalem, they will kill him and find someone who can - that is about the extent of his villainy. There is also a Saracen rider that wants to duel Balian at one point, but he is just some random threat thrown in, and it’s later revealed he was an slave masquerading as someone else. 

Now compare this with Balian’s asshole priest brother who steals his wife’s crucifix, the slimy Patriarch of Jerusalem, and Guy of Gisborne and Raynald of Chatillon, both of whom are generic warmongers that just want to kill infidels for no reason, the former kills an emissary which constitutes as an offense worthy of Genghis Khan’s wrath while the latter rapes and kills Saladin’s sister. What makes this worse is that none of these are true: The Patriarch actually helped ransom people during the Siege of Jerusalem, Guy wasn’t particularly better or worse than his contemporaries and if anything, he was regarded as an weakling rather than a bloodthirsty thug, whereas Raynald never even attacked Saladin’s sister (according to Arab sources) and while he was still a very violent man, it was the result of being held 16 years in a prison under Muslims in Aleppo and in the end, he died like a Christian martyr to jihadist terrorism - being told by Saladin to convert to Islam or die, which he picked the latter. 

You can tell when certain fedoralords say they hate religion actually hate Christianity only, and this is the tone that oozes from this movie. No wonder a historian once called this movie “al-Qaeda’s version of the story” because Christians commit horrible atrocities against innocent Muslims hence Muslim aggression by Saladin is justified. If anything Bin Laden likely envisioned himself as an modern-day Saladin, hoping to unite the Muslim world against the “Eternal Crusader”. The lionizing of Saladin is laughable given the fact that until recent memory he was an obscure figure on account of being Kurdish, but was co-opted by Arab Muslims as their hero. I wonder how would audiences feel that Saladin had half Jerusalem’s population enslaved which is something he actually did in real life instead of letting them go like in the movie.....

There are also other problems with the movie besides religion that even the Director’s Cut couldn’t fix like Balian’s character. I already went over how he is representative of the movies’s secular humanist themes, but there is a lot more wrong with him beyond that. Simply put, he is the most vanilla flavor protagonist, devoid of charisma or flaws, and comes across as a Marty Stu when you think about it: a nobody who is revealed to be the bastard son of some crusader baron that just so happens to be influential enough with Jerusalem’s nobility that everyone good immediately befriends him. He has a tragic backstory that makes him an atheist, but is perfect and devoid of any flaws and is written in such way that serves as a surrogate for the audience. By contrast, his historical counterpart was a knight born and raised in Jerusalem who was actually devout and politically shrewd, which comes across as more interesting and Arab Muslims agreed since they wrote “he was like a king”. But nope. Can’t have that because Balian is actually Scott’s self-insert by his own admission and we can’t have a guy like real-life Balian because modern audiences can’t identify with him.

Scott seriously misunderstood the Knight Templars. Naturally like our lead villains they are also genocidal maniacs, but also appear to be a secular noble/warrior class of some kind since Guy and Raynald are affiliated with them (they weren’t in real life), and it’s a plot point that Guy is engaged with Baldwin’s sister Princess Sybilla. Templars made vows of chastity and poverty, schewing all property and titles so it makes no sense for either of them being part of the order, much less for a Templar to become king. (Afonso Henriques of Portugal was at least a former Templar).

And then there are the geo-politics... Even though Scott denied that the movie was an metaphor, it certainly comes across this way with characters talking about how much wealth they made from the campaigns as if this was the American intervention in the Middle-East for oil. Jerusalem had no resources, no real treasures except maybe the True Cross which had great emotional value for the Christians and in fact, it was the other way around: it was far more expensive, having to secure resources, armor and weaponry to join the crusade with the likely risk of death with no returning home with the only comfort being remission of sins in case of falling in battle.

The Crusades were precipitated by Muslim aggression in the first place, namely the Seljuk Turks who crushed the Byzantine Empire in the Battle of Mazinkert and began persecuting Christian pilgrims in the Holy Land, not to mention the subhuman conditions that Eastern Christians found themselves as dhimmis under Islamic rule. When framed this manner, the wrath of Latin Catholics hearing the atrocities carried out by the Turks is quite justified. Could Scott himself say this is justified compared to how much Muslim caravans were attacked by Templars on his movie?

So to sum things up: we have liberal political bias that portrays one side as the assholes while the others justified in retaliating, a perfect protagonist that is clearly a self-insert, generic villains that are evil for no reason other than being Christian, historical inaccuracies, white-washing certain figures while removing all nuance and depth from others, honestly embarrassing analogies with modern topics that stick out like a sore thumb. And in the end, for you to walk away with not much. I am sorry but even the Director’s Edition didn’t make things significantly better because the movie’s issues lies at their conceptual form: Balian is still a Marty Stu, the Christians are largely one-dimensional evil, the Muslims are honorable and enlightened, etc. You can’t make a story engaging when the setting is revolving around religious conflict and the leads are all secularists, or else it shows how much “smarter than thou” attitude you have.

I’ve heard about how Scott got into a spat with the British historian community who made very clear how his movie was bollocks. A common defense on his behalf is that he isn’t obligated to tell history like how it was and he made the movie he felt best, which is honestly just baffling because it’s very insulting towards the audience. I am not saying that the audience should be challenged (at least not in a Rian Johnson way), but imagine if Raynald’s captivity was brought up and his death was portrayed in redemptive fashion after all his atrocities, imagine Saladin preaching jihad against the crusaders, imagine Balian breaking his oath, etc. Now that would have made an more memorable movie instead of the one who is remembered for his slightly better version released separately. Certainly history had a better story to tell than Ridley Scott.

Like what Amin Maalouf, author of “The Crusades through Arab Eyes” once said.

It does not do any good to distort history, even if you believe you are distorting it in a good way. Cruelty was not on one side but on all.

[neshabeingchildish]

Upgraded

Share-a-Lair 10 

Charlotte was extremely excited about Henry’s advancement results. He was now featured on Hero Tracks, and she was THE FIRST person to follow him! Hero Tracks was one of her favorite forms of social media. Hero Tracks (while mentioned before, hasn’t been explained, so… let’s).

Hero Tracks served as a progress and news tracker for your favorite heroes. General updates were for the public, but if you follow a hero, you get more updates and if you’re on the friends list, you get to see their own posts, read DETAILS that they would trust friends with. Charlotte generally followed and friended every hero that she met. Henry wasn’t previously on Hero Tracks, because he thought that sidekicks with tracks were lame. “Their hero has a page that has AND and features them. Getting a separate account is try hard,” he told her. So, whenever the Hero League reported his results to him, (which also gets sent to Charlotte, simultaneously), she posted his account from the Tower, followed the account, and congratulated him. Shortly afterwards, Max sent a friend request, which she accepted on Henry’s behalf, and Max also congratulated Henry, “Good  going! Hope this means you’ll move out soon!” She laughed and shook her head. She actually wanted the two of them to possibly work together at some point… and she wished that maybe they could train together. She nonchalantly dropped these desires to both of them at different times, subtly. Max definitely took it in. Henry shot her down.

But. A few days later, Henry received a message from the Hero League.

“I can’t believe my life,” Henry said, disappointed.

Charlotte glanced over and wondered, “What’s happened?” He shoved his phone to her and she read, then cheered, “Max is gonna be your Hero League appointed mentor and trainer?!? Lucky you!” She gave him the phone back with a huge smile. “I’m so proud of this.”

“You had something to do with this, didn’t you?”

“I told Max the same things that I told you and I guess he cared, because that message says that he personally requested this… and Henry… That is remarkable. He’s got global hero status. Henry… This could rocket your hero career.”

He sighed. He knew these things. He still didn’t like it. This meant that he sort of would have to report to Max… and… he still worked for Captain Man. When would he have PEACE, in this arrangement? He groaned and left her workspace to go call Jasper and complain to him about it. HE’D offer some type of empathy for Henry’s plight.

.

Honestly, it wasn’t bad being under Max’s mentorship and training. Henry found that even though he hated being around him casually, Max was pretty professional and patient with teaching him stuff. Sometimes, Henry could see in his expressions that he thought Henry should know more and was silently judging him for it. But, the one time that he brought it up, Max corrected him by saying, “I’m actually judging Captain Man. It’s almost like he never wanted you to take over for him… or maybe Swellview is too small for your talents. That’s also possible. Hiddenville was definitely too small for mine, and you’re under my wings now, so… your possibilities broaden.” Max gave him a sincere smile, then clapped his hands once and said, “Back to acrobatics lessons!” 

Max was… a brilliant fighter! Henry was super impressed with his abilities, agility, and versatility. And, he wouldn’t say it yet, but he was truly grateful for the opportunity to work so closely with him. Also, he was seeing Max a lot differently. Whenever he was satisfied with Henry’s training progress, he said that he would select assignments to bring him on. ASSIGNMENTS. With SuperMax! Henry was not going to fanboy over it… openly. He just wanted to work hard, prove himself, and venture on those opportunities.

.

Piper decided a get together was in order, because since Henry began training with Max, he hadn’t been in Swellview as much. Hero League business took precedence over Swellview business and Max refuted several of Captain Man’s refusals to let Henry off for various reasons. Max’s requests took precedence. Captain Man was definitely pissed, but Piper missed her brother and friends. Charlotte hadn’t felt the same about Piper since she joined the team and started acting like the guys, but she still hung out with her whenever she got a chance, out of nostalgia for the kid that she used to love and Girl Code. Definitely didn’t make it a priority or effort, though.

There they were, all being at least civil and Piper suggested that they play “Sex, Kill Marry” or whatever the heck it was called. Charlotte rolled her eyes and listened to various requests and answers, from names that Piper spouted out.

Jasper thought for a moment, during his turn, “Hmmm… I guess I’d marry Timothy Chalamet, screw Matthew Daddario, and have to kill Dylan Minnette. (Only because I just don’t love him like the other two…)”

Henry complained, “I HATE THIS GAME. UGH. F word China McClain, K word Selena Gomez, marry Daisy Riddle.”

Piper told him, “That’s not even her name!” 

Henry wasn’t to be deterred or have this lengthened. “That’s my answer! This is weird enough to play with my sister involved.”

So, when it was Charlotte’s turn and Piper said, “These three!” And she pointed at the three dudes in then room. 

Max raised an eyebrow and gave her an amused glance. Charlotte was extremely surprised. “Everybody else got celebrities!” she pointed out.

“Yeah, but I’m much more curious about this,” Piper said, waving her finger between Charlotte and the guys.. 

Charlotte reached for her wine tumbler and took a sip. Wow. Ugh. She hated this game too. “Well, Jasper… I love you and all, and it’s been real, but…”

“Kill ME???” Jasper completed the thought. “Why???”

“Well… because my brain just can’t fathom any scenario in which either of the other options could happen,” She shrugged her shoulders and took another drink.

He sank in the couch and Piper reminded him, “Henry will marry you." 

Henry scoffed, "I’m marrying Daisy Riddle.”

“RIDLEY!” Charlotte and Piper both snapped. Then, Piper sighed and looked back to Charlotte. 

“With enough wine, I guess Henry gets laid..” she took another sip of wine and Max tried not to smile as big as he wanted to. 

Henry on the other hand jumped up, “Do you realize that means you’d choose to marry MAX?" 

"I’m glad you said it so I don’t have to,” Charlotte said and stared into her wine glass.

“I’d like to hear you say it,” Max said and smiled at her. She fought a smile of her own and avoided his gaze. They hadn’t been together long enough to even have a conversation about this, so it was SUPER awkward. They hadn’t even… gone very far intimately or officially told their friends about them. As far as everyone was concerned, they were still playing the “will they, won’t they” game. And now Piper’s little messy ass brings this mess in front of everyone, including Max.

“Why do I have to die, but Max gets married?” Jasper asked, breaking into her stressful thoughts.

“Yep,” Charlotte said, relieved for the interruption of her overthinking. 

“What?” Jasper asked the sky.

“Huh?” Charlotte asked him.

“Why? You barely know him and what we do know is that he was a teenage villain and I know we can’t prove it, but I’m reasonably sure he stranded me and Henry on that boat!”

“I was at a party all night with Charlotte,” Max said. She nodded her head, making eye contact with him for the first time since her answer, but she quickly looked away.  He squeezed her knee, then turned his attention back to Jasper. “And I can’t believe that the “why” isn’t obvious.” He began to count his qualities on his fingers for Jasp, “I’m a genius. I have great hair. Muscles. Superpowers. A jet. I can fight, dance, award winning skills in a variety of areas, I’m beautiful and handsome, at the same time…”

“You rock a pair of gray sweatpants like nobody else in the world,” Jasper added, seeing Max’s points.

“Like… everyone here should want to marry me,” Max finished off.

"He’s not humble, but he’s correct,” Charlotte said. 

“Thank you for admitting that my hair and muscles have value,” he teased her.

“Wait…” When she  looked up; he winked at her and she felt her face warm from a combination of realizing that the person that was just described was… hers (and wine). This was an even more impressive catch than her ex! She smiled at him.

“You’re equally as intelligent as me and I’d be honored to be your hypothetical husband. Imagine our hypothetical offspring!” Max cheered in excitement. He… really could see himself with Charlotte for the long haul and talking about it, even hypothetically… made it more realistic for him.

And she played along, too. “They would have to be intelligent. That’s just genetics. Obviously, they’d be gorgeous. We both have stunning features, good health, perfect teeth, amazing hair…" he just nodded to everything that she said. “Wow. I really chose well. Imagine if I had answered out of loyalty!” They both laughed. 

“Jasper’s rocks for brains babies. Henry’s pick any feature and I’ll pick it apart…” Henry and Jasper grimaced at Max’s insults.

“You’re so rude,” she giggled. 

“You love it,” he said and winked. 

She nodded. “Can’t deny that." 

“Come here for a sec,” he said and pulled her into his lap. She laughed and he kissed her on the neck, “I would have collapsed this entire house if you said anything else.”

“That doesn’t give me confidence in my choice! You’d better not give our hypothetical kids a temper!”

“Temper? I’M not the one with the temper to give them.” He kissed her neck again and she just reveled in it. They hadn’t been this openly affectionate, but she was feeling good and he had the best neck kisses.

“Are you two still talking hypothetical kids?” Henry asked.

“Are you saying that I’M the one with the temper?” Charlotte asked in a low voice, not paying attention to Henry’s question or Piper taking a sneak pic of them.

“You’re the more aggressive of the two of us,” he said.

Jasper let out an extremely loud sigh of relief. “OKAY! So, I had to die because you two are actually officially doing the thing. Okay. I feel better.” 

Henry frowned. He didn’t feel better. He knew that there was something between the two of them, but he guessed that he didn’t think it would get to this level… The seeing his second boss kissing his best friend’s neck… He… didn’t care for that. Max squeezed Charlotte and rested on her shoulder. They were having their own little conversation while Piper was posting their photo and asking how many people knew that they were official.

“This bitch is so messy,” Henry heard Charlotte whisper (about his sister, which he didn’t appreciate, but he knew that he was probably more irritated with Charlotte for being with Max). 

Was that why he was mentoring him? TO please his girlfriend? He really… didn’t see anything special in Henry, Henry began to convince himself. Did he even mean the encouraging shit he’d said to him during training, or was he just being nice to score p***y points?  Henry got up and asked, “Jasp, Piper, want anything?” Charlotte noted that he didn’t ask her and Max, but she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. She could talk to him later about it. She was enjoying this… openness. 

[lightandwinged]

Alright, it’s review time, and it’s going to be spoilery and rambly because I’m still parsing my thoughts on everything SO. 

Sans spoilers: a solid and fitting conclusion, if a bit faster paced than I would’ve liked, but it adhered to the overarching themes of the Skywalker saga probably better than anything in the new trilogy has before, and I don’t know how, considering everything (namely that Space Mom is gone), they could have or would have done things differently. Not my absolute favorite (that will forever be RotJ), but still very good.

Spoilers below, be ye warned.

I found it utterly hilarious that the plot started with Kyle Ron finding the Macguffin and chillin out with Papa Palpatine while the Good Guys had to go on this entire huge quest to FIND the Macguffin to begin with, and the only reason he didn’t just fuck off and finish some dastardly plan while they were scurrying about and trying to find the Pyramid Of Doom was because he’s got a lot to work out in his feelings about Rey. Like shit, no wonder Papa Palpatine decided to just stick with his own bloodline for galactic domination, Skywalkers are useless.

(except Leia, who is awesome)

The inclusion of Carrie Fisher in this film was VERY well done, but it also hurt a lot because you could tell that her scenes were cobbled together from old material and not made of anything new. It was good and necessary, but it also just hurt, like a constant reminder that she’s gone and nobody could replace her ever. And I’ll get more to that in a minute.

The Macguffin questing honestly felt a lot like the first half of RotJ, where we have to go rescue Han right quick because Harrison Ford was pretty sure he didn’t want to Star Wars anymore, so here’s a sidequest for half the movie, with the only difference here being that the questline had to do with the actual Plot. I’ve been following the Star Wars leaks subreddit for a while (don’t read the comments, it’s a wretched hive of scum and villainy and bitterness), and I know that at one point, it was supposed to be this race between Team Dark Side and Team Light Side to get the Pyramid of Destiny and then they’d find out that oh shit, Sheev’s here, but that was scrapped... and I kind of wish it hadn’t been? It would’ve made the first half of frolicking through this planet... no this planet... no, no, it’s on this planet... feel a lot less distracting. 

The dynamic between Finn, Poe, and Rey was fantastic, because those three actors just have amazing chemistry on so many levels. They immediately fell into the dynamic of “we’re a polyamorous triad who’ve been living together for a while, and we really love each other, but we’re also a LITTLE BIT STRESSED RIGHT NOW OK” and that’s fair. I was glad to see all of it, and I just wish that we’d had more of it in both TFA and TLJ. It reminded me a LOT of how the best parts of the OT were always when Luke, Han, and Leia were together. 

And now I’m going to take a sulk break to think about what we could’ve had with that amazing dynamic.

I’m back. 

The new characters were some of the weaker parts of the film, I felt, save for Lando (because Billy Deeeeeeee). Dominic Monaghan, whom I love, could’ve had his role taken entirely by Rose, or Billie Lourde, and nobody would’ve noticed. And I don’t mind the addition of extra women to the cast, but Zorii and Jannah felt like they were just there to be like “Poe fucks women! Finn might too!” And... yanno, cool? But the OT3 stands. 

And then General Pryde, aptly named, should’ve been a bigger part in all three films because it was like... here’s this yahoo out of nowhere who’s apparently a really big Sheev fan and just... like... what? I mean, I’m a huge Sheev fan, too, but I wish he’d been more of a Piett, where we could’ve seen him worming his way up the ranks, which would’ve made his downfall more satisfying. Instead, it was just kind of like... eh? Cool, I guess? With Piett, you felt like “yeah, we’ve seen this guy fucking things up for our heroes for two entire movies now, and here he is, getting destroyed because of his pride, hahaha!” but with Pryde, it was like “wait, who are you? Oh you’re dead now? Okay, cool, I guess?”

And in conjunction with THAT, Hux was just wasted in this film. I fully accept the idea that he rose through the ranks because of nepotism or something, and I also fully accept that he’s an absolutely useless twink who can’t do anything without having Phasma top him weekly (she used to top both him and Ren, which is why they’re such disasters in this movie), but man, couldn’t we have like... taken him with us? Imagine the comedy potential as he’s brought back as a prisoner and Domhnall Gleeson gets even more screen time with Oscar Isaac. I don’t mind that he died a worthless death because he was basically a useless wretch, but I do feel like if the movie had given itself more breathing room, he could’ve been a lot of fun.

RELATED, the pacing. So in the beginning of the movie, the idea of a light skip (basically, just sort of using the hyperdrive without planning or anything) is brought up, and everyone involved in this action bounces from world to world to world in rapid fire fashion to get rid of a bunch of TIE fighters following them, and that’s roughly the pace of this film. There are a few moments of quiet and contemplation, but they’re so rare that they seem to last a lot longer than they actually do, and I think it’s mostly because this movie really feels like a Lord of the Rings style epic packed into a MCU time frame. And I’m not complaining about the time, because by the time the credits rolled, I had to pee so fucking badly, but I feel like also if we’d trimmed out a couple of things (like maybe we can get rid of Kijimi, I think it is? The snow planet? or just merge Kijimi and Pasaana?), we’d have had more time to breathe and that would’ve helped the pacing a lot. 

The slow moments in the film belonged almost exclusively to Rey and Kyle Ron, and honestly, Daisy Ridley and Adam Driver both deserve some sort of award recognition for their acting, the latter particularly. Without going into wild details about the plot, Kyle Ron does change his mind and go back to being Ben Solo, and god bless you so much Adam Driver because the change is instantaneous and delightful. If we’d seen significantly more Ben Solo than Kyle Ron, I’d totally be on board with the r.3y.10.z because this child omg. As it stands, the kiiiiissssss made me do like

in real life. It felt... mm, unearned, we’ll say. Maybe as a moment of “oh fuck that was intense and now we’re both alive” I could’ve bought it, but it wasn’t that, it was supposed to be this “my looooove” moment and just... sorry, but no. 

BUT that said, while I think his death was the only way this series could’ve ended for him because a redemption arc would’ve required a LOT more time and energy, and that just... wasn’t going to happen. The time to have him make the turn if we were going to see a redemption arc was during TLJ, and since he didn’t make that change, we don’t get a Zuko arc. And that’s FINE because that’s a lot of work for a three movie series. And I don’t want a TV series devoted to Ben Solo learning to not be a dick to people. That’s exhausting. 

But I do wish we’d gotten more time with him. The brief time we had, the bit of Han Solo snark that came out (”ow”), that was all delightful and made me understand what people see in the character (who I hate because he’s a great character to hate). 

(omg while I was writing this, someone was saying that they were in a theater with someone talking about how the movie should’ve ended with Kyle Ron giving Rey a Force baby, and Y’ALL THERE IS NOT ENOUGH NOPE IN THE WORLD)

Anyway, bullets now, for the times I cried:

Literally everything with Leia, but especially that her last word was “Ben” and her using every last bit of her energy to save her son because I GET THAT FEEL, and honestly, the only reason she wasn’t there raining death and destruction on Sheev by herself for grooming her baby was because Carrie Fisher died. But anyway, from the moment she dropped her headset on, I was a blubbering mess.

And then Han, just a memory, but looking more at peace than he ever has. He convinces his son to come home, and Ben now says, “Dad?” and Han just says, “I know,” and FUFUUFUFALSKJDLAKSJDF: SOBBING

And then CHEWIE reacting to Leia’s death just... UGH. I am destroyed utterly, still. 

Luke finally managing to Force lift the X-Wing out of the water made me cry as well, weirdly enough. 

And then whatever emotion I felt when Rey heard all the Jedi, and it was LITERALLY EVERYONE WHO HAS PLAYED A JEDI EVER COMING IN AND SAYING A LINE like not just the familiar ones but the ones you wouldn’t know unless you’d watched all the TV series and extra material... it was so much more than tears. I couldn’t cry because it wouldn’t have been enough to encompass everything that made me feel. Very sincerely well done. 

All-in-all, yeah, it was really good. I don’t get what everyone is so fussed over with it... it ties up the themes of the entire nine-movie arc pretty neatly and does basically the best it can with what it has. 

But a bigger point in its favor, for me, was seeing Sam’s reaction to it: jumping up and down in his seat, gasping, grabbing my hand, whispering, “Mommy, they’re going to be okay, right?” and then cheering at the end. Star Wars, as a thing, isn’t for just one person or one group of people, but I consider how people who were kids when the PT came out say without a hint of irony that it’s not that bad, because to them, that’s what Star Wars is and always has been. The joy of it isn’t just the OT but those three movies that were “meh” to those of us who cut our teeth on the OT only. And in a similar vein, the ST is full of that joy for kids now. Like holy moley, Sam and his best friend geeking out over seeing each other in Star Wars costumes at Halloween was just worth everything.

So in the end, like I concluded at the end of TLJ, the message here is that it’s for them. And also that there’s always hope, that ultimately, even when it seems the odds are against light, there’s more of us than there are of them. 

[naanima]

STAR WARS THE RISE OF SKYWALKER SPOILER REVIEW

SPOILERS

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Let's get the big elephant in the room out of the way first - Rey is a Palpatine, she is the Emperor's granddaughter. He wants to use her as a new host for him and all Sith ghosts/spirits/whatevers.

I ROLLED my eyes so fucking hard at this reveal. I love the concept that the Force is something any random person can get, not just something you inherit because you have the right parents. I loved the fact that Rey was a nobody and despite being a nobody she was still special, she was still strong in the Force. To have her be Palpatine's granddaughter was both a cop-out and completely fucking unnecessary. It felt like shitty pandering fan service or the really shitty fanfiction. And an obvious let's make the nerds happy! I'm a fucking nerd and I'm so bored and disappointed.

Having said that, Daisy Ridley did God's work emoting and selling the scene within the context of the story. Ridley has improved dramatically since The Force Awakens, and every single scene she puts her whole self into, it is a pleasure seeing her on screen. She is excellent in it.

I love that Rey continues to be impulsive, continues to be angry, and continues to be compassionate. That at the end she chooses her own name, her own legacy; Rey Skywalker.

The next thing - Kylo Ren finally redeems himself through Leia's love (a mother's love, also I did not know Harrison Ford had a guest appearance, he looked good). Once again the lack of time and the messiness of having to wrap og character plot points hampered the real impact of Kylo Ren being redeemed. But by the god Adam Driver sells it so fucking much. His pain, his confusion, his fear and his sheer physicality is astounding. The man has to be getting an Oscar soon with the calibre of films he has been in this year alone.

But yes, Ben dies after saving Rey by transferring his life force to hers. He dies after she kisses him, his giddy smile was amazing.

A lot has been said about Kylo Ren and Rey's relationship how it is toxic, abusive etc., how the movies wants you to think violent abusive dicks are great blah blah blah. And I'm forever confused by this train of thought. Kylo Ren is purposely framed as directionless, petulant, violent and aggressive, and it is never shown in the positive. The only time they frame him in a way that is societally acceptable is when he is acting like an actual decent person (even when he is only acting to lure Rey to the dark side). In fact the movie goes out of their way to show us that when he is being an dipshit edgelord he is a horrible horrible being. And it is only when he is acting good, when he is being redeemed that he is accepted and happy. It is as if people only want shitty some story with no fucking depth.

Having said all of that, I was NOT onboard with the kiss. I'm only for a romance if he does a shit tonne of therapy and spend the rest of his life trying to right the wrongs he did. But hey, the movie solved it by having him die. Here is when I want to say that it is awesome to see Kylo Ren be Ben. Fuck, the smirk, the little hip cock, his overall cockiness, the fuck I'm so gonna murder you shits. I could finally seem Han and Leia in him. An overly confident young dude with a shit tonne of charisma. I wish we got more of that, I wish we got a Ben who goes into exile in an attempt to do the good thing for the rest of his life. Instead he dies. The easy option. The boring option. The wasted potential option.

It was nice to see the implications that Finn has the Force. Awesome.

Watching Poe, Finn and Rey interact with own another is great. The true love and trust they have for one another makes me smile.

Them sidelining Rose actually really pissed me off. I don't even want to get into why they made this fucking decision. I'm also not here for any Rose hate, if you do hate her keep it to yourself, I don't want to hear, I don't give a shit about your opinion.

And it seems that's the only thing I want to talk about for now.

I don't want Star Wars to be safe anymore. I hope with the end of the main Saga movies we can finally go and explore the rest of the universe.

[weirdconnections]

My review after watching TROS for the first time

I plan on watching it again next week, so this is just first impressions. Spoilers under the cut. 

I went with my boyfriend who is not a Reylo shipper and did not particularly enjoyed The Last Jedi. He had very low expectations for the movie. However, in the first 10 minutes I saw this look of excitement on his face and it immediately passed on to me. After we got out of the theater he told me that this movie made him feel like he was watching an RPG campaign unfold and I though this was a very interesting way of looking at the narrative.

The beginning of the movie does give off a “call to adventure” vibe, from both sides. Kylo finds Palpatine, gets the order to kill Rey with the promise of a great army and The Resistance learns about Palpatine’s army so they begin preparing to fight back. It’s all very rushed but it’s necessary because it’s not the main plot of the movie.

I studied film and one important thing you need to make clear for the audience in this type of genre (specially when you have a theater full of kids and people who might not be that into the Star Wars fandom) is what is your villain’s goal and in contrast what is the hero’s plan to stop/prevent that goal. So this movie starts very well, although fast-paced, and right at the end of the first act it puts down the key piece for the plot: Rey, who we were led to believe was no one, is actually a descendant of the villain, Palpatine.

My personal opinion about this might not matter (I don’t like it). But I do think it makes sense (?) in the overall events of this movie. To me, Rey could have been a nobody and I would still love her character. Even more perhaps, because, as Daisy Ridley said herself, her strength and powers would be her own and not because of some fancy bloodline. 

This being said, I have a feeling they might have planned this all along (given the extensive use of the flashbacks of Rey’s vision from TFA), which makes me very confused about why Rian Johnson (and Daisy) would defend so blatantly the Rey Nobody theory. But I image after the backlash of TLJ they simply went back to the Palpatine idea because a great part of the fandom was not convinced ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Again, I don’t like the idea that Rey is a Palpatine, but TROS makes this work. It’s like JJ said in an interview where they asked about how they brought him back and he says something about “We were not sure how we could pull if off but I think we made it work for this film.” So yeah. They totally came up with it to make (some) fans happy. 

Moving on... 

I loved the new female characters, loved that the movie can pass the Bechdel test, but I don’t love the fact that every character besides Rey, Kylo, Palpatine, Leia and Poe, did not have a clear arc and seemed be there... just to be there and go along with whatever the other characters decided. I’ll have to analyze this deeper in my second screening but yeah. Finn stans, I understand why you’re upset. And Rose Tico who, right? The new droid had more lines than her!

...

So, we get to the climax of the movie and Rey is fighting Kylo and Leia knows it’s time for her to reach her son. Kylo is distracted and startled by his mother’s voice and Rey takes the opportunity to fatally wound him. 

Some people criticized this as something OOC for Rey and she would-never. I disagree. I believe after seeing that Dark vision of herself she was closer to her dark side at this point than ever. She doesn’t even realize what she’s done until after she sees him collapse and also feels Leia’s life vanishing. 

This moment was so tense and beautiful I have a lot of things to point out but I want to address the fact that after Rey gives a bit of her own life force to heal and save him... Ben chooses the light side after talking to Han and throwing his saber away. 

And this is important because it’s not something he does because he absolutely HAS to. He chooses it, knowing that there isn’t much he can do to help the Resistance or even to defeat Palps (as we know Rey afterwards does most of the work by herself). 

He chooses to be Ben Solo because of his mother. Because he wants to fight for what she believed in. 

And finally, because Rey told him she wanted Ben Solo’s hand and not Kylo Ren’s. 

He can’t live as Kylo Ren anymore because Kylo Ren has nothing to live for. He will never rule over the galaxy as long as Palpatine is out there and he doesn’t want that anymore either. He just wants to be with Rey. 

So he goes to her. 

I very much enjoyed the final battle between the resistance and the FO/Sith Army. I’m gonna take this opportunity to give my opinion on Hux’s “I am the spy” moment: I laughed. I though it was so ridiculous it was actually funny but it’s not. It had nothing to do with the character’s previous motivations and it just served as a way of justifying how the Resistance got their info. 

That being said, I also did not enjoy Finn’s sudden clairvoyance moment knowing exactly which ship was the one broadcasting. One thing is to be force sensitive and another is just... making shit up. And I know, I know this movie does that a lot lol

Again, I have a lot of things to say about the final sequence, Rey and Ben’s death but I believe I made this point in my previous post so I’m just gonna mention again that I do not believe Ben Solo is really dead and that the force cannot be truly balanced if he is. If he and Rey were a dyad than he has to be alive somehow.

Celebrations from the Resistance were a great scene, loved the two girls kissing but also hate the fact that (as a Stormpilot shipper myself) they elected to include that over addressing Poe and Finn’s (obvious) romantic relationship, and even went as far as giving Poe a romantic interest with no pay off and the same goes to Finn. 

Again, ROSE TICO WHO?

Finally, the final scene with the sabers and the sunset... 

What to say that hasn’t already been said? 

I feel like the whole ending was very rushed and that something was missing. I want to say Force-ghost Ben but since *puts tin foil hat on* I believe he is alive it’s not just that, it’s that Rey began her journey on a desert and honestly, It kinda disappointed me that she would be right back on a very similar place at the end. 

So here’s to hoping we get an extended or even alternative version of this in the novelisation and that they address the whole how come she’s still a Jedi after Palps drained her and the only thing that brought her back to life was Ben’s sacrifice. 

My score from 1-10 for this movie would be a 7 and I’m just adding 1 extra point for the Reylo kiss. 

Yep.

See you next week!