#and after seeing a post where someone vented about their niche thing not wanting to have a big fandom

[dizzying-faust]

Shovel Knight being a small fandom is probably a blessing because I can already imagine so much discourse regarding King Knight.

[survival-of-the-chillest]

Howdy!

Ive been on tumblr since 2012 but this is a new blog specifically for my current health journey.

Im honestly not a fan of tumblr much anymore or the internet in general. I really enjoyed going out and doing things in person until my body decided to stop functioning. I’m hoping to revamp my love of tumblr and be able to socialize from my bed.

Here are some things about me:

I am in my mid 20’s but typically get along well with people older than me

im transmasc/ non-binary /who cares? Is femboy a gender?

Im the fruitiest person you will ever meet

Im married but also polyam

Neurodivergent af

I am on EST time

I was raised Jewish and am still vaguely jewish but also kindof witchy. I AM NOT A ZIONIST LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR. That shit is FUCKED.

I am diagnosed with too many mental health issues to list tbh but most recently i was diagnosed with Depersonalization Disorder which i feel encompasses all my things.

I am diagnosed with gastroparesis but its comorbid to an unknown autoimmune disease that we cant seem to figure out

I was previously living on my own but now live back with my parents which has been ROUGH

I was raised in a conservative family in a semi-rural area where I was one of the only people of color that i knew of so my entire cultural identity has been pretty whitewashed and i hold alot of trauma about it

I was formerly an aspiring art teacher and was teaching as an assistant teacher for kindergartners. It was something I really loved until i had to resign due to my health

Hobbies/interests

ART! what kind of art? ALL OF IT!

crafts ( yes different from art in my head)

Thrifting

I collect y2k nostalgia toys (mostly furbys and carebears but my collection is honestly so huge at this point i have alot)

Cozy video games but only whatever im currently fixated on

Social card games (think CAH except not CAH , i don’t like that one after playing it 5 billion times)

Plushies

Poetry ( pls ask to read them 👉🏻👈🏻)

The Twilight Saga but in a meme way (yes im a TSP ratty🐀 iykyk)

The office

Kirby but also any cute Nintendo character tbh

Things i will be posting

Chronic illness rants and vents

Chronic illness memes

i like to make mood boards alot ( if you send me your diagnosis or any type of theme i will probably say yes)

General inquiries such as “has anyone else had this shit happen?”

Positive updates when i find things that work

Updates on my latest “stuck at home” projects

Original poetry and artwork about chronic illness/pain

Quotes i relate to as a disabled person ( will credit)

Things that will not be happening

I wont be making a DNI list , im a leftist please use common sense

Please no minors, no offence im just old

I DO NOT subscribe to what I like to call “tumblr brain rot” let me explain!

I see alot of division on here that usually comes down to two different groups of people who use identities that aren’t “typical” and people who gatekeep a community and hate anyone who doesn’t align to their way of thinking. I WILL NOT be choosing sides in any of these arguments. I think that people should identify with whatever they want . I do not care how niche it is. HOWEVER, i am horrified by some of the commentary from people with niche identities that expect others to immediately understand that identity without giving anyone a chance to understand. Nobody can ever learn to accept something you wont help them understand. I am also a firm believer that people can change and grow. Canceling someone for unforgivable behavior is one thing. Canceling someone for an honest mistake gives me the ick. Please ask yourself “ is this a pattern of behavior or something they are working on?” before making a call out post. In fact maybe we shouldn’t make call out posts about people unless they are genuinely dangerous. If its discourse exclusive to tumblr please just keep me out of it.

Activism!

Yes! If youve made it this far then you know that beyond tumblr there are BIG problems out there that internet discourse unfortunately will not solve. Im a huge follower of many activist movements but here are the ones i most interact with.

Trans rights , especially the rights of trans children and destroying the stigma around trans people being inherently sexual and dangerous to children. ( as a former trans teacher who has been thoroughly harrassed even though i was excellent at my job i have had a bone to pick with these shitheads)

Queer/POC intersectionality , i often go to panels and discussions on this matter because it is deeply personal to me as a person of color with blue hair and pronouns. I have been made fun of all my life for not conforming to Hispanic stereotypes and doing things people consider “white liberal culture”. Fun fact: not all trans people look the same.

Disability rights but also Autism Acceptance, my wife is autistic and im adhd and also physically disabled. PEOPLE DESERVE ACCOMMODATIONS. Being in a relationship with an autistic person for many years has made me very very pissed on thier behalf and on behalf of anyone who functions differently. News flash: everyone deserves to have thier needs met and that includes needs you dont understand.

I will gladly attend pretty much ANY virtual event/meeting to support these causes. I am always available to speak on my personal experience or assist with public speaking. If its an in-person event please DM me to discuss if it’s possible for me physically and logistically. ( pls note that altho i do not support isreal that the events in Palestine really hit a rough spot for me mentally because my jewish family members gosupersayan if they catch me supporting Palestine. Sometimes im in the headspace for it but other times its really triggering to remember that ive been disowned by most of my family for it)

This is getting really long so im going to stop but im very extroverted so plz ask me things i need social interaction.

[deepestuniversallove]

Just a long vent about a specific niche fandom. Don't read if you don't want to hear me rant.

I just need to vent here for a little bit, and I am sorry if this i all incoherent.

I hate what fandom has become. What tumblr has become. What I have become.

I never used to be this way and never used to feel anger before, or jealousy or those 'ugly' feelings, as I was never allowed to. Being raised by a narcissist, you become a people pleaser and you learn quickly that you are never to show any negative emotions. Anger isn't permitted, disgust and unhappiness isn't permitted. As a good slave you don't need to have these emotions, so you learn to supress them to the point where you aren't ever feeling them consciously.

So all of this is so new to me. To actually f*cking hate the guts of some people on here. To fucking hate that they are so damn popular when all they do is shitposting and meme-ing the one that means so much to me to death. And even blocking them won't do a thing because tumblr still shows me their shit, or some fan is gushing about their stuff where I see it, and it just annoys the piss out of me. The tag I used to browse has been rendered useless to me here on tumblr. I long for the days when I was able to just see some nice art of him alone or serious discussions about him, like character analyses, or sharing obscure facts about him.

I don't even know why exactly it pisses me off so much - and I don't want to be the "Fun Police" here; everyone should still be able to do as they please and make whatever the fuck they want on their tumblr blogs, even if it is shitposting. Even if their stories don't make any logical sense at all.

I guess... I just wish Fandom wasn't so dumb with what ultimately are just headcanons. They are taking those stories as if they are canon when they are just fan creations, to the point where they harrass other creators who might come up with other things. For example, if you hate on Mewtwo x Newtwo because it would be "incest", then you are WRONG, because canonically, it was never proven that they were siblings. Canonically, there is no reason to think that Mew is the Mother who actually gave birth to Mewtwo (if you follow the movie-verse, that is. In the games, she did give birth to Mewtwo).

And sure, I realize that me criticising those fan creations is also taking headcanons way too seriously, but... I can't explain it entirely. I just want to be able to state my opinions. Be the one person that isn't always congratulating them on every creation, but also points out the flaws in their storytelling so that they, I dunno, may improve? I am frustrated that I can't even do that - I was told to shut up, or post my opinions on my blog only, probably so that my thoughts aren't seen by anyone and get buried. But I am fucking tired of that. I grew to hate being invisible. I hate making myself small for the benefit of others. Can't I be loud and angry for once in my life? Even if it is on the internet about something stupid? For once in my life, can't I voice my disdain for something after a lifetime of not being allowed to? After AvPD makes this nigh impossible of a feat for me?

One dissenting voice won't harm the popular creators anyway - they have thousands of adoring fans who will wholeheartedly take anything they make and not question it at all. They will go on and create what they want anyway, so what hurt does it do to say "hey, maybe this idea needs some ironing out because it doesn't make sense?"

On another note, I wish that if anyone here has a problem with me to not harrass people that may know me/are friends with me. I saw some anon going around and complaining about me to them - I'd rather you take your complaints to me directly than to them, since they got nothing to do with what I create or do.

For example, I saw someone who told an acquaintance of mine that it is hypocritical of me that I have Babytwos but "attack" others for doing the same. Listen, it is not that others have Babytwos that I critiqued, it's the METHOD of having them via a flower pregnancy when Mew is not a plant type and Mewtwo isn't either. It doesn't make any sense and I should be allowed to say at least that much without getting bullied in turn. That is really all I ask for. Getting Babytwos via cloning, test tubes, artifical insemination at least makes sense. Other than that, go ham and make as many Babytwos as you all want!

I also got told that I am not the owner of Mewtwo the character. Thank you, I know that. Where have I claimed I was? And if I feel a bit possessive over him, well, I got a damn reason for that. He saved me from unaliving myself TWICE. Thus he means a lot to me. I have been in love with him genuinely for 23 years. He is my guiding light. And while it is funny to see the occasional joke with him or a shitpost here and there, if it is constant, it just feels like you are treating him as nothing more than a joke. To me, he isn't a joke, he saved my life. I wouldn't have been posting on tumblr or anywhere at all since 2017 if it wasn't for him. So excuse me if I am a bit possessive over him.

Overall, I just wish people weren't so trigger-happy to take a contrary opinion as an attack immediately. I am not attacking anyone. You will never find me sending any hate DMs or Hate asks to anyone. I don't do that shit.

And if you hate me, you are free to do that too. I know that not everyone likes me. I know there are some people who wish I WAS dead. Or who think that I have ruined Mewtwo for them with my selfship. I mean, I got plenty of "Ew Bestiality" back in the day, if that is any indication. And it's not much of a change in the status quo anyhow. My own parents hate me, I got bullied in school when I was younger, so I am used to being disliked or hated. It used to hurt me back then, but by now I learned that giving a fuck really isn't worth it. I used to want to please everyone and make everyone happy. It used to destroy me when anyone told me they don't like me. Like, it CRUSHED me. But now? I realize that no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to please everyone. Some sadistic fucks may even get off on you trying that and failing. And many people I considered friends only turned out to just use me because of my people-pleasing tendencies.

So, fuck it. If the world is going to hate me anyway, the least I can do is to do whatever the fuck I want and whatever makes me happy. Deal with it.

[sanguine-inkwell]

thank you so much mod smoke i appreciate it a lot!! i'm interested to hear your personal theory on vampirism your mentioned in a recent post if it's not too much trouble? if not that's ok too

Happy I could help! My brain is currently fried after a semester of classes, but I can give you the sparknotes version based on my experience as a sang.

I should probably preface this: TW for mentions of abuse, analogy featuring drug abuse, sexual assault, descriptions of starving behavior.

When you look at most vampire servers, as a general sample, it quickly becomes apparent that the main topic is donors. Articles on donor abuse, how to find donors, contracts between the donor and vampire for safety purposes, commiserating together about the lack of donors, vent posts about the urge to rip and tear and nights so bad where all you can do is lay in bed yearning for blood.

To put that into perspective, it’s very different from the BDSM community- I don’t see a lot of people being abjectly miserable about the lack of partners. What it does look like to me is addicts looking for their next fix. Purely objectively speaking, there is no evidence that blood itself has any particular quality except for iron that might be useful if you have a deficiency. And we’re not actually a subspecies. Which means we are humans who need the blood of other humans with the same intensity as a drug addict. What is very interesting is that these cravings happen before we ever get our first taste, by and large. It’s not something about the blood itself, it’s about us, but it doesn’t make sense to me for that need to be purely biological.

I did my research a long time ago, so I’m open to being corrected here, but serial cannibals seem to have a preferred type that is definitely related to their sexual preferences. Albert Fish, Andre Chikatilo, Jeffrey Dahmer. They typically ate their victims after assaulting them. Freud would have a goddamn field day with Armin Meiwes. As morally hideous as their actions were, the implications surrounding the urge to repeatedly consume other human beings did get me thinking.

Power is a large factor, I think, especially given the general attitudes of the vampire community at large. The desire for control over your immediate surroundings. There’s the allure of the taboo- a lot of people seem to adopt the vaguely Satanic aesthetic as part of the lifestyle, or become Satanists themselves, which can never be fully separated from its origins as a reaction to the mainstream monoculture of Christianity. But I think fundamentally there’s something in other people that we want- nonsexual intimacy, or sexual intimacy, trust, power, physical contact. Skin hunger is a very real thing. We need other people, just like astronauts need plants on the ISS. It’s part of what keeps us sane. And the longer we go without, the longer we feel isolated in abusive homes or the ostracizing nightmare of high school/the capitalist hellscape, the more weird and queer and niche we are, the more we hunger for someone to meet us there in the dark. We might even get angry about it, fuck yearning, want to rip and take and sate that abandonment’s hunger by force.

Sometimes, when you can’t have food, you’ll go through the motions of eating just to feel like you’ve satisfied the beast. Chewing on a fork, your own hand, eating paper. Even after leaving that situation, the habits still may persist as your first response to hunger, if you can even recognize it’s hunger at all. Who’s to say we don’t do the same thing with loneliness?

That’s not even getting into the topic of pica, the desire to be seen as “suffering enough”, or grandiose escapist fantasies as a way to handle trauma, but. It’s something I think about.

-Mod Smoke

[kyluxtrashpit]

2020 Fic Recap

I really like writing these and 2020 has been a HELL of a year, so here we go lmao. It’s been a wild ride for sure

Total wordcount: 88 109 words (note: I’m subtracting the ‘sorry I didn’t finish this, here’s a summary of the remaining plot’ that I published for a fic in a previous fandom from this since it’s not relevant here). Overall I wrote less than last year, but given all that happened in terms of the world and personally and fandom-wise and all of it, I don’t feel too bad about it lmao. I also have a lot of WIP words of half-finished things and some planning and such so I feel okay with this

Favours, 4906 words, posted Jan 4

This was a weird one cause this is a two chapter reader insert fic, the same story but told with both Phasma and Hux. I originally wrote this for Phasma, but later decided it would be easy to tweak into a Hux story (which it was lmao) and figured people might like that, so I did both. I had fun doing it, even if this is kind of a very small niche ship and trope wise

Know Your Shadow, 5022 words, posted Feb 16

Ah yes, here we are, the first foray into renben, a ship I had NO idea would grab me so hard but here we are lmao. I’m not done with them either yet, don’t you worry. There’s something about the corruption angle I really like, also Ren is HOT, and it’s also interesting to think about Kylo truly getting to find himself and be who he wants to be. Canon didn’t really satisfy on this, but the concept still interests me and it’s what had me writing this fic. Also, Ben losing his virginity to an older man like Ren is just *chef’s kiss*

Public Indecency, 3719 words, posted Mar 1

And my second renben! This was partially inspired by art and partially by just the idea of not giving one single fuck, and how thrilling that must be for someone like Ben to experience. Ren and the KOR truly do not give a shit and it’s really beautiful in a way. Plus some hinting at found family with the KOR. Ngl, Ben/Kylo finding his place and acceptance with the KOR makes me so Soft and there’s so many words I could write about it. Plus public sex is very hot lmao

Beautiful, 3254 words, posted Mar 8

Back to kylux, and this one was an old WIP I started back when the prompt was first posted on KHK in like 2019 or something. I got stuck on it and then left it for a while. I was digging through my old WIPs, looking for something that might catch my interest and boom, this one did, so I finished it and then posted it. I quite like the fic and it’s a bit more in the ~classic~ style. It’s also always a good feeling to get an old WIP done lmao

Choose Your Destiny, 5077 words, posted Mar 20

More renben and this was my fix it fic for ROKR vol 4. I talked about this more on twitter at the time and why I found the story as it was unsatisfying, but ultimately it’s really just a case of rushed writing and playing into established bad writing (e.g. showing a fall from grace by having someone kill someone eviler than themselves). I also really liked Ren and I felt like Kylo didn’t really get to have enough agency in like... any of it. His motivations were weirdly absent as well, despite this being ostensibly about him. So I wrote this, which I think handled how the story should have gone a lot better and, plus, it’s got smut!

(Okay and the rest are behind a cut for length)

Show of Devotion, 2479 words, posted Mar 28

Renben once again and this time, I mean, it’s all inappropriate use of lightsabers lmao. I was looking at the Ren and was like ‘wow that is SO phallic’ and then the horny brain turned on and, well, here we are. I also wanted a side of found family with the KOR and I think got that with this. It’s horny. It’s fun. What more could one want?

Aural, 2729 words, posted May 12

Okay this one... I have absolutely no excuses for lmao. I’m not even sure where the inspiration came from, I just remember I was in an online work meeting that was boring and the entire sequence of events played itself out in my head. It was all I could do to focus on work for the rest of the day and not immediately write this cursed creation lmao. The worst part was I’d been totally blocked on writing since March and this, THIS, was what eventually broke out of me. In case you haven’t read this one, it’s ear sex. Hux’s dick, Kylo’s ear. No, I don’t know the logistics either. But hey, I had a blast with it, both in terms of writing it and the reactions lmao. Someday I gotta write a follow up involving a nose too

Missed Chances, 10 749 words, posted Jun 7

Ah yes, this is the point where my renben met my kylux and created this absolutely enormous peanut butter cup of a fic lmao. It really was supposed to be like half the length it was, but alas, it was not. Also cockblocking kylux was SO hard, they wanted to fuck SO bad, but I had to stop them, the story demanded it lmao (and people in the comments were MAD, which is always excellent). It’s also when my renben series really started to have like, an overarching plot (aside from the modern au fics which I’ll talk about later). I even still have more instalments planned

Free Use, 6971 words, posted Jun 23

Another one that turned out far longer than initially planned, and also my most popular fic this year! I’m both surprised and not cause like. It’s a complete smut fest + my heavy headcanoning of the personalities of the KOR. People like smut, but I also feel it’s kinda niche considering how deep I’m in for the KOR lmao. So idk, I guess the smut won out. I did have a lot of fun with this one and there’s a lot of characterization thought put into each KOR, so it was really nice to see people loving that as much as I did. Canon gave us crumbs, but I just used them to make meatballs

Eat You Up, 1573 words, posted Jul 5

There’s not a lot to this one, it’s really just renben rimming cause the sexual dynamic with renben is so fun. Kylo/Ben is inexperienced yet eager and depraved enough to impress Ren, which is something considering I think of Ren as Very Experienced lmao. I really do love this ship; it’s a lot of fun to play with

In the Vents, 2002 words, posted Aug 3

Ah and this was my first piece for the stuck inside event on twitter, which I had a lot of fun with. Stuck fetish is one I’ve always wanted to explore, but never had any concrete ideas for. This event led to me finally getting to have Kylo stuck in a wall (plus more as well), which was fun. Also I spent far too long thinking about Hux’s vent contraption set up cause I knew he would never let Millie go anywhere that might hurt her, so I had to come up with a way to make the vent safe and here we are lmao. Hux being an engineer and also the most extra cat owner in existence worked out very well indeed. This was also the start of my creativity boom near the middle-end of the year that uh kinda burned out in a not so great way, but I’ll talk about that later lmao

Distraction, 3658 words, posted Aug 6

Another for the stuck inside event and another kylux/renben sandwich! Also featuring the KOR this time! Listen... it’s a gangbang, it’s got renben, it’s got kylux, it’s got Kylo getting stuffed from all ends... this is the kind of fic that, to me, is pure indulgence lmao. I had a tremendous amount of fun with it

Entrapped, 3484 words, posted Aug 8

So this was also for the stuck inside event (yes, I wrote 3 fics in about a week lmao - I don’t know how I did it either) and it’s darker than the sort of things I usually write. I enjoyed exploring something like this though, something outside my usual purview. It didn’t perform super well, but tbh the dark ones rarely do so lmao

Pit Stop, 1505 words, posted Aug 31

Welp, this is just an excuse for watersports lmao. I like piss, what can I say? And I’ve done it to kylux, so I had to do it to renben, and the modern au ‘need to pee on a road trip’ seemed like the perfect opportunity for it. Not much to say for it really

The Deal, 2431 words, posted Sep 3

Ah and this one here was the first for the throwback event I ran on twitter! The event itself ended up kind of being tainted by drama from one singular person who kind of ruined it by being a jerk for literally no good reason, but I’m not going to talk too much about that. Even with that, I still greatly enjoyed it and this piece might be my favourite from it as a whole. Kylo Amidala, political scandals, neither of them being nice... ahhhh yes, it definitely brought me back lmao

Devotion, 1929 words, posted Sep 10

Another for the throwback event, this time with Emperor and Hound dynamics which, unf, yes, I will literally never get tired of it. I really had fun with every fic from this event and this one was great because I so rarely get to write real action scenes, even if they’re in a flashback here. That and the dynamic itself really made it fun

To Be Wanted, 10 473 words, posted Sep 16

Ah yes, and here is my KBB for the year! I did a minibang this time, as, well, everything was going horribly wrong around the time of sign ups and I thought a mini would be more realistic. I think I was right on that and I’m glad I did it, even if I was torn at the time. The idea itself is one I’d been thinking about for a while. I can’t remember if I thought of it after seeing the leaks for tros or after watching the movie itself, but it’s been with me for a while and while I dithered over whether or not to sign up this year, the idea came back and was just perfect for a minibang. Plus I got an absolutely amazing and wonderful partner, which is really what makes the experience of doing bangs so great. I love this fic, I LOVE the art for it, and the whole experience was definitely a highlight to 2020 as a whole, both overall and in terms of my fandom/writing experience this year

Floss Me, 2033 words, posted Sep 21

My third for the throwback event and also the dental fetish fic I’ve wanted to write for a while now lmao but could never figure out a scenario for. As some of you may remember, 2018-2019, I went through some pretty horrific dental stuff and ultimately I think it kinda gave me a fetish lmao. Also I feel like there may or may not have been a kinky flossing prompt on one of the prompt sites at some point, but I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it so. But anyway, it was a fun fic for a kink I think is quite underrated tbh

The Cost of Certainty, 2541 words, posted Sep 25

My fourth and final piece for the throwback event, and this one is also a contender for my favourite piece from that event. I have always loved the idea of Hux being a serial killer and this was a perfect excuse to write it. I’d also recently finished a rewatch of Hannibal and, well, you can see where this came from lmao. I love writing tension and it was just very fun all around. I almost wish I’d done something like this as a long fic but tbh I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed writing it as much

Huxloween Drawings, 676 words, posted Nov 1

So this isn’t a fic but rather the drawings I did for huxloween, but people wanted them on ao3, so posted they are. Now, I mentioned above that I had this massive creative boom in Aug-Sep, but that it burned out rather badly. This is when that happened. I got into this place where I just... felt like everything I made wasn’t wanted or needed in the fandom. That everything I like is so unpopular at this point that I should just give up and leave. That I’ve spent all this time and energy over the years trying so desperately to get people engaged and so few ever cared and I just... ugh. It was bad. It was really bad and definitely partly fuelled by the bullshit that someone brought up regarding the throwback event (and I still believe that they are the sole cause of it’s poor reception). I, uh, am doing better now and still working through it all but it was a really rough time. But I found myself still wanting to be creative so I decided to draw. I am not good at drawing. I am not an artist. But that’s what made it fun: I went into each drawing knowing it wasn’t gonna look great. That wasn’t the point. So I never got upset about it. I think it helped me a lot tbh and I did really enjoy it and I’m glad I did it

Unconventional, 7243 words (in progress), updated Dec 20, first posted Nov 18

So the next part of me trying to fix the bullshit in my brain creativity-wise was to post the first chapter to this fic. This is a piece I’ve been working on since 2016-2017 (I don’t remember exactly when, but it was pre-TLJ, and I’ve gotten a new computer since so I don’t have the original creation date of the document) but I could just... never get a plot together for it and ever since I abandoned a fic in my old fandom (and this year I finally posted the ‘sorry this isn’t getting finished, here’s a closure summary’ chapter), I’ve been hesitant to post WIPs before being at least 80% done. So I said fuck it, I’m gonna post this and not be scared. Is this fic complete? Nope, but the plan is starting to come together. Do I know exactly where it’s going? Nope, but I don’t need to. Is it self-indulgent as all hell? Absolutely. I love this fic and I love this story and I love the concepts within it. So I posted it and tbh, it really helped. And I think this, combined with my writing break where I drew for 31 days straight lmao were really my saving graces here

Test Run, 3661 words, posted Dec 31

And now my final fic of the year! Which is a ship I honestly wasn’t super into (I don’t hate it, it just generally doesn’t do much for me) but then I did that thing where I thought ‘hmm but could it be written in a way that I am into?’ which, in my experience, always leads to me writing exactly that. Which is what I did here lmao. I’m pretty happy with it though and despite it being very strange to write, as I really had to work to get these two to get where they were going lmao, I had fun with it. I honestly doubt I’ll write more of them, but I’m glad I wrote this one, and I think it’s a good experiment to close out the year with

What have I learned?

Honestly, this year was a clusterfuck lmao. 2019 wasn’t great for me either, but we all lived through this and it was certainly An Experience. I think what this year really helped me focus on was what made me happy. I ended up in some dark places and I don’t want to go there again. It feels repetitive to say that, once again, I have learned that writing what I want is key when I say that every damn year, but tbh I think 2020 underscored it even more so. Spite as a motivator, when used to much, smothers the spark of creativity and the joy of creation. The most important lesson I learned this year by far is to not let that take the driver’s seat. A dash here and there? That’s fine. But as your main motivator? That’s just not healthy. And I need to work to keep it from consuming me like it has been for too long

Goals for 2021?

So last year I didn’t set any hard goals and boy, is it a good thing I didn’t, cause I achieved none of them lmao. I didn’t write more words (though I did write more individual fics, and the word count gap between this year and last is about the size of the difference between a big bang fic and a mini bang fic so really, I think I did okay), I didn’t even write a single fic for BTHB, and, to be really honest, I did not manage to keep my love for writing alive the whole time. I was in a really dark place a few times this year, but that drop in Sep-Oct was the worst from a creative standpoint. I feel like I’m mostly out of it now, even if I still have some work to do maintaining it. I’m hopeful for the future in that regard. The only thing I really did accomplish was that I feel positively towards all the fics I wrote; I’m happy and proud of all of them

So what is my goal? Honestly, I feel like every year I have to relearn the lesson of ‘write what you want, have fun, be self-indulgent, fuck expectations, etc.’ and my goal this year is to not have to relearn that again, but to keep that energy and carry it with me for the whole year. I realize I may have to put some effort in there, but I’m okay with that. I don’t know what 2021 has in store, but if I can just keep my passion alive and not fall into that pit again, I’m calling it a win

[leutik]

Literature between Political Correctness and Cancel Culture

(Analyzed through Walter Siti, Natalie Wynn and Rick DuFer.)

(buckle up, because if you're gonna read this, it's gonna be long)

«Today is much easier to mistake an author’s personal stances with the content of their works, and then make the author pay for the work’s sins.

Today I look around and I have the sensation that literature is no longer taken seriously: that the way to interpret literature the way I knew it, depth-focused, focused on the power of words to reveal truths otherwise concealed to their own author, is disappearing — substituted by a conception of literature that has to serve a list of good causes.

When some writers of the “neo-effort” (Siti’s neologism) insist on the fact that words are decisive, and that it’d be urgent to change the words in order to change reality, I’m suddenly reminded of those old Marxist authors: they explained that the structure, which is what lays under society, determines what lays upon it, that is words and ideology. Thus, changing the name of something doesn’t change the thing the word stands for at all.

Literature has been considered throughout time the most indicated form to make resurface the part of ourselves — often, the least pleasant — that we’ve exiled in the shadows of our subconscious: a process that often happens without the author’s acknowledgement of it.

The authors of the neo-effort believe they have the duty to spread their ideas to the largest possible number of people and that, in order to do so, they have to simplify as much as they can what they write, sacrificing on the altar of efficiency the style, considered useless. The aim is to do good, namely gain an effect, what does it matter if it’s good or bad literature? Literature used to “take root”, to influence; put at the service of pre-established ideas, and not to venture into the discovery of something we don’t know yet. This way, it gains an ancillary role. And it’s a humiliation of literature — which can truly be useful, instead, only then it hurts.

Sartre’s “Nausea” doesn’t align with his political stances. For Sartre, the effort was the individual reflection of a society in perennial revolution, substantially a school of liberty, whilst for neo-effort the role of literature is to reassure.

Their attitude, their rejection of style, their low consideration of literature, tends to isolate the good writers out there, marginalizing them in a niche that looks like a convention of obsessed aesthetes in the public’s eyes.

I see it in the writing courses I teach: more and more young people whose main interest isn’t to write to learn something about themselves or society, but it’s to write to gain the title of writer and place themselves on the market, detecting the most profitable sector at the moment, which might be fantasy, crime, or effort-centred writing: it doesn’t matter, what matters is for it to be trending and to be reassuring to the reader, in a more and more therapeutic conception of writing.

Literature isn’t immediately therapeutic, this is the difference. When “The Sorrows of Young Werther” was published, copies of this book were burnt, because of the suicides it inspired. Today we read it at school. How much time has passed? I don’t refuse knowledge’s benefit, I refuse that knowledge can benefit instantly, painlessly. When I went to a psychoanalyst to face my neurosis, the psychoanalyst made me suffer for months, and only after I took benefit from it. What would have happened if they had welcomed me with a pat on the back and said “Don’t worry, stop thinking and go help African children”. Probably I would have had an immediate benefit, but all my neurosis would have stayed there, intact.

The Literature I talked to you about is depth-centred, and literature hasn’t always existed: thus it can disappear, sink for many years. Who said that it’ll survive, despite everything?

In Pasolini’s trial he was acquitted because Ungaretti was called to testify. He wrote a letter where he wrote that the formal value of Pasolini’s work turned into literature even those scenes that the prosecution deemed obscene. Law couldn’t do anything but recognize the critical judgement and welcome it. Web’s tribunal, today, would have burned Pasolini at the stake, and Ungaretti with him.» (via Walter Siti’s interview with the Huffingtonpost)

In other words, we can summarize Siti’s view with the sentence «novels aren’t the cure to the world’s evils.» They aren’t, because they don’t have the power to be, and more so they aren’t even supposed to be: writing is a form of art, and art has primarily an end in itself. Literature isn’t a political marketplace, even if it can be used to be — it’s not a crime to turn it into one, but by doing so, one loses Literature’s nature. By doing so, the harm could be mistake literature’s primary aim (that is being a form of art, that is style, that is the pursuit of the truth) with what they turned literature into: a marketplace to defend the author’s ideology.

Siti’s powerful image of the Web’s tribunal, the Web’s court finds an echo in Natalie Wynn video Canceling: in a sense, what Siti calls “neo-effort writers” fall under the same line of thoughts of Cancel Culture perpetrators.

«Like the guillotine, [cancelling] can become a sadistic entertainment spectacle.

Now there's a version of this conversation that's already been had to death, and it goes like this: On the one side are a bunch of male comedians who constantly bitch about how Cancel Culture is out of control, you can't joke about anything anymore without these Millennial jackals trying to get you in trouble.

And the other side is mostly progressive think-piece authors who argue that there's no such thing as cancel culture, it's just that powerful people are finally being held accountable for their actions and they can't fucking handle it, so they go around bitching about cancel culture.

Now unfortunately, neither of those viewpoints is quite as correct as some people might hope.

What Cancel Culture does, [is to] take one story and transform it into a significantly different story.

Presumption of Guilt

There's a traditional understanding of justice according to which, before you condemn or punish a person, you hear the accuser's side of the story and the accused's side of the story. You allow both sides to present evidence and only after everyone involved has had a chance to make their case do you pass judgment and punish the convict.

But cancelling does not abide by the law. Cancelling is a form of vigilante mob justice. And a lot of times, an accusation is proof enough.

Abstraction

Abstraction replaces the specific, concrete details of a claim with a more generic statement.

Essentialism

Essentialism is when we go from criticizing a person's actions to criticizing the person themselves. We're not just saying they did bad things. We’re saying they’re a bad person.

Pseudo-Moralism or Pseudo-Intellectualism

Moralism or intellectualism provide a phony pretext for the call-out. You can pretend you just want an apology; you can pretend you're just a “concerned citizen” who wants the person to improve. You can pretend you're simply offering up criticism, when what you're really doing is attacking a person's career and reputation out of spite, envy, revenge.

No Forgiveness

Cancelers will often dismiss an apology as insincere, no matter how convincingly written or delivered. And of course, an insincere apology is further proof of what a Machiavellian psychopath you really are.

Now sometimes, a good apology will calm things down for a while. But the next time there's a scandal, the original accusation will be raised again as if you never apologized.

The Transitive Property of Cancellation

Cancellation is infectious. If you associate with a cancelled person, the cancellation rubs off. It's like gonorrhoea, except doxycycline won't save you this time sweetie.» (via Natalie Wynn's Canceling video transcript)

Natalie Wynn describes and formalizes the phenomenon of Cancel Culture in those steps:

I only listen to the presumed victim,

I abstract the context to a vague idea,

I equate the action to the actor’s very essence (as if such thing even existed),

I say I’m acting in favour of morals or truth,

I accuse every person the presumed abuser ever came in contact with to be an abuser as well,

and I either reject every form of apology at the moment, or bring up the issue as if no apology was ever made at their first misstep.

Now, in this post I’m not trying to perpetrate any concept of charity, not only because it’s an attitude that takes a lot of work to inherit, but also because the negative aspects that might bring one to be a neo-effort writer or a Cancel Culture perpetrator are part of the very human nature (or, very stupidly, they wouldn’t be humans.)

The self-evidence rises here: those negative parts of human nature can be channelled everywhere, and literature or any other form of art is the healthiest way to do so: you’re not going to get rid of your anger, or your sadness — the best thing you can do is learn to control it and suppress it, but how is it going to work in the long run? It’s going to act past your good judgement, or even cloud your good judgement, clouding it into thinking you’re defending some pseudo-moralism or pseudo-intellectualism, when what you’ll be doing is just venting on someone else.

This is one way to see it: when one forgets what proper thinking is and falls into those quick and gut-feeling “thoughts”. Or one could even take advantage of this Cancel Culture, of this ground of poor thinking to instrumentalize this lack of critical judgement to attack someone else.

On instrumentalization and its dangers, Rick DuFer says:

«Political correctness works when its aim is to protect the weak from abusers, but when it favours every little susceptible sensitivity it turns dangerous.» (via Rick DuFer’s podcast DailyCogito)

Rick DuFer talks about a shared responsibility that happens during offence: shared between the offender and the offended. The problem with offence, as opposed to harm, is that it isn’t quantifiable, so the offender is guilty in regard to their intentions, and the offended is guilty in regard to the instrumentalization they can enact with the situation.

And again we find “instrumentalization”: if one destroys my property, I can quantify the damage, but if one insults me, how can I quantify how offended I truly am? This is when I can twist one person’s words and turn them into an offender, this is when sensitivity becomes a mask and no longer a virtue (or, for the toxic masculinity’s thought, a vice.)

Now, to wrap things up:

These people take the (s)word of this school of thought (which some other dichotomists may, generalizing it, call it “Strong Thought” or “Unique Thought”), perhaps without even knowing there’s an alternative, while there are multiple, actually: as many as the human beings right now populating Earth.

They may do it out of a dualistic and very childish view of society — divided into good and bad people. And if that’s your view of life, you’re not gonna want to be associated with who others deem as bad, following a gut feeling and nothing more. (And I say “gut feeling” to avoid saying “very poor thinking”, because that’s what absolutization, essentialism, and the rest is.)

Your thoughts aren’t really yours, and you become a vessel for something that belongs to someone else, someone who crafted those thoughts in a very different context, or with instrumentalization in mind. You don’t want to risk criticizing those thoughts because you don’t want to be isolated, or because you’re a sane person who deems it important to act rightfully (even if you’re letting others tell you what “right” is.)

And for how problematic moral relativism is, it surely is better than any form of absolutization: better than rejecting your status as “sapiens” and stopping thinking altogether, passively accepting what others taught you to be right and wrong, maybe even out of fear, or a stupid rush for glory and sympathy.

So I wouldn’t call this moral relativism, strictly, but rather moral subjectivism, or context-centred morality. A morality in which people still have a brain to separate a piece of work from an author’s ideology (against essentialism) and to still take into account the context in which an action was performed (against abstraction). A morality in which “good” and “wrong” aren’t seen in black and whites, but rather into lighter and darker greys; a morality which systematic use can slowly dress into the habit of charity towards one another, into kind teaching rather than cruel instrumentalization.

And is it really utopistic, is it really unfeasible, if we’re not falsely annihilating the suffering and the negative parts of the Human Experience?

This whole discourse could be turned into a political marketplace of rights and lefts, of conservatives and progressivists — but my aim here is much smaller (or bigger, if one is a humanist): to make the reader question their critical thinking, and just that.

(We love some self-doubt.)

I believe moral acts aren’t supposed to be a badge to share on one’s vest — to renew your status as “approachable person” (as if saying “don’t worry, you can talk to me, you’re not going to be deemed as bad for it”) or to be praised for. Moral acts are the only acts that raise humans from other species, the acts where the “sapiens” shows its evolution, the acts where our negative aspects aren’t hidden but channelled into arts, without the fear that someone might call us bad for it. (Immoral, even, whilst acting in the most moral way possible, exorcising those negative parts of us in the least harmful way possible.)

So, at the end of this unnecessary rant, my question is: is it better to be a minion in a culture where you have to watch your mouth, as if it wasn’t yours, or to be a person who’s engaged in researching how right and wrong truly manifest?

[ruakichan]

Self-vent ahead!

I hate being “a creative.”

I’ve been drawing for about thirty years, most of that in fandom, and it’s utterly, hopelessly de-motivating to see that nothing has actually come from all that time. (Is this my mid-life crisis lol?)  No improvement, no following, I couldn’t even make money off my work if I tried (still living off my savings right now, for those that are aware I quit my job during the rona shutdown), no sense of lingering pride or accomplishment when I manage to squash down the loathing enough to finish a piece. I’ve watched my artist friends rightfully gain traction and blossom, while I shrivel.

All those pretty little puff pieces you see about how “work hard to improve!” have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be in the stratum known as complete banal mediocrity. You hit a wall that no amount of “working hard” can overcome: the wall that separates the talented from the hacks.

And squished right against that wall are the mediocre: good but not good enough. Only noticed because maybe they fill some niche until someone better comes along. They throw themselves against that wall in hopes of overcoming it, but never look up to see how high it really is.

A bad artist will always improve. A mediocre one just suffers diminishing returns.

My best friend, with good intentions, got me a very nice Cintiq for Christmas. He spent a lot of money he really shouldn’t have. He’s a “creative” too, so he understood some of what I was going through, and thought this would cheer me up, give me a boost. Thought maybe it was my outdated tools (over a decade old) was holding me back.

I accepted it because he was very proud of his grand gesture, but I wish he didn’t. I feel obligated to use it, to draw, to be continually disappointed, to continue to disappoint others. And on the rare occasion I do something I am pleased with the final product of, I hate it so, so very much the next day, and the masses agree, as the reception is silent.

Being an artist inherently has a streak of exhibitionism: what you draw is a reflection of your thoughts and perception of the subject matter, and when you post it publicly, you are asking for validation of that image.  Being able to appeal to a broad spectrum of people is a talent on its own: any popular meme or illustration becomes that way because people go, “yes, I can relate!” in some fashion. Empathy is incredibly important in any creative work.

But when the reception is silent, it’s hard to tell where it is you failed: the subject matter? the appeal? the skill level? everything? Do I fail at connecting with people despite being able to do it very well IRL? Is my art style just that unattractive? Is it my skill level, flat and uninspiring?

I know what I hate about my work (everything), but I don’t know what causes others to recoil from it, except to maybe give a pitying glance over but not enough to go ‘yes, I can relate!” and share it with others. So I can only assume it’s for the same reasons why I hate it: everything.

Perhaps my loathing for my art comes through in the image, which in turn elicits a similar reaction in others. I feel ‘this is ugly’ and others pick up on that and react in kind.  There’s something to be said about how people can pick up on your body language and confidence in face-to-face conversation; perhaps this is the same with art. But what about the work I do that I’m proud of, which gets even less reception?

During the initial drawing process, I do very much love art. I do like the act of ‘creating.’ I’m happiest during this point; I like brainstorming or daydreaming, doodling and laughing at my own bad jokes. But the longer I stay with a piece of work, the more critically I look at it, and the more ashamed I am of wasting my time with something that no one can love, not even me. There’s a lot of work I just never finished; there’s a lot of work I just flat out deleted from existence. I’ve been trying not to do this; try to at least post something, finish something, acknowledge that even flawed things have merit, but holy hell, it gets so depressing seeing these malformed things out there in the wild, even if no one else sees them.

When I was first starting out, I didn’t have these sort of thoughts, eagerly, lovingly drawing, proud of every single doodle, sharing them with anyone that would cast a glance my way.  When you’re fresh and naive, you don’t realize how personal art is until you get rejected enough to start to become self-aware of your own flaws: like how children can be so unabashedly carefree while adults are acutely self-conscious.

Lately, I hate admitting I draw. I don’t like sharing my art freely. Even the brief moment I got validated—being a winner in some contest for some game—I immediately wished I could take that image away so people wouldn’t see it cause I threw it together to get the participation prize.  “This isn’t representative of what I can do!”  ... but maybe it is.  After all, it won, where others I labored over haven’t.

Social media definitely hasn’t helped in this day and age, where you’re aggressively bombarded with how well you succeeded or failed.  I shut down my Twitter for this reason; it was absolutely soul-crushing to see anything I do die in the ether, because I wasn’t good enough. All these followers, but no response?   It’s better just to hide them under the bed, than look at your own failures.

So now I spend a lot of time going “why bother” when it comes to creative endeavors as I try to come to some final acceptance of my own mediocrity.

Why bother?

The images are prettier in my head.  They don’t need to be realized because I can’t convey them in a worthy manner that people would want to see. If after nearly 3 decades, I haven’t been able to surmount that wall, I need to accept that this is the end of the road.

Why bother indeed? There are many more talented, able artists to provide beautiful works.  I want to freely consume them without thinking about where I failed.  I can only look at art in areas I don’t draw in; it’s the only way I don’t immediately want to break my own hands.

Anyway, long vent, but it’s been building up since I got that Cintiq. I don’t talk about this much because people hate hearing about it. They don’t want to see your anxieties.  You have to be *~strong~* and *~confident~* as an artist, and it’s “”””””cringe””””””” to have any doubts about yourself. They don’t want to see “I’m not happy with this, but here it is” attached to something you did. They call it “fishing for compliments,” without realizing there’s a lot of baggage attached to a lot of artwork that they, as the viewer, don’t see.

That when artists post art, they are literally putting themselves up on display. They wonder where they can improve in their work, they wonder about the reaction to their art.  These things don’t exist in a vacuum, independent of each other.  Art is inherently exhibitionist.

It’s why I’m the least suited for it, and I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to go collect stamps or something. What a waste of a life.

[kyndaris]

Like, Comment and Subscribe

When embarking on a new venture, one normally does not think whether or not it will be an inspiring feat to others. Starting out, I looked to my blog as a means to collect all my thoughts and ideas to help with my writing of stories that will never see the light of day. As I’ve said in an earlier post, I’ve always entertained the idea of keeping a diary. Except, of course, there’s nothing all too exciting that happens in my daily life. But by chronicling all the things of interest to me, perhaps I could make something of this space that I’ve eked out on the internet.

Several years later, my blog has still remained fairly small and unknown to the masses. True, I’ve amassed a number of followers (most of them my friends that are now essentially inactive on websites such as Tumblr to help inflate my actual number of followers) and a smattering of likes on posts. In fact, when I started out, I refused to use hashtags. Why?

Well, surely there was nobody that would be interested in reading my screams and rants into the void.

Imagine then, my surprise, to find people discovering this humble little blog on the internets with nary an assistance on my end. Of course, most of them were gaming related. In particular, niche titles that had captured the hearts and minds of those that flock to blog sites to find like-minded individuals. Off the top of my head, the two that grabbed the attention of so many were Tales of Berseria and Vampyr. 

But even this cold dark heart of mine could not help but twitch in excitement when I saw the number of notes climb in number. I might have started this blog for my own benefit but it warmed a little part of me to see that there were people who seemed to like some of the content. In fact, I even had someone start asking me questions about Concrete Genie (as if I were actually one of the developers and knew all that there was to know about the small indie title).

I say this because there are times when I want to shut it all down and return to my little hobbit hole. The insidious and critical voice in my head often tells me that my efforts, both on this blog and my other side projects of story writing are meaningless endeavours. Nobody will ever read my works. Nobody cares. Why do I even try and write stories that no-one will read or appreciate? People are just making small talk. 

‘You write stories? That sounds interesting. What’s your pseudonym?’ And after that first question, it all falls away. There is no sudden bump in reading numbers. The fact that I update on a weekly basis is forgotten.

Still, there have been moments when what I do in my free time seems to catch the eye of another fellow human. Take, for example, one of my work colleagues that actually seemed intrigued and almost invested in some of my stories. Every time, for a good month or so, I’d walk past her table, she’d have a grand idea for one of my short stories to be made into a short film.

Alas, my lack of equipment and actors on hand made it a difficult enterprise.

But even though I knew that such a thing would not come to fruition, I did feel seen. She even said, as an aside, that some of my work had inspired her to write more songs. That, in and of itself, made it feel like what I did was worth it.

Now, I’m no vainglorious social media hound with a YouTube channel or Tik Tok (though I swear I have some good ideas!). I doubt I’d be able to live such a lifestyle. My self-esteem, as it is, would hardly be able to survive the barrage of hateful comments that so many have had to endure. Nor do I have a Twitter account.

I may be a Millennial but there are times I feel that social media has gone out of control. Call me an old soul, I dare you. I probably am (though not old enough to desire a typewriter or a period where the internet was not so easily accessible).

Barring all of that, I have thoroughly enjoyed some of the rare comments that have peppered my stories and blog posts, the likes and favourites on FictionPress and the addition of another follower. 

And though I’m not the type that feels like my entire life would be turned around just by watching shenanigans on a YouTube channel, I like to think that my presence here - chipping away at my creative projects and writing blog posts that are enjoyable to read has touched someone else out there in the world. Or that it might have inspired other fellow amateur writers to start their own personal blogs to document the ups and downs of life. 

You don’t, of course, dear readers, have to credit me with pushing you to greater heights than even I could achieve. I’ll just leave that to my imagination. After all, as an only child that sought solace in books and video games, I’m quite comfortable with diving into rich fantastical worlds of my own making. 

But sometimes, and only very rarely, do I feel a pang of loneliness. That this was all for naught and I ought to scrub my hard drives of anything creative and burn it all down.

So, should you ever feel the urge to reach out and encourage a Millennial that has no self-confidence and her only brave moment was going to the United States of America by herself at the tender age of 24, I’d like to hear something from you.

And if you don’t feel that niggling urge in the back of your head...well, that’s all right too. This started off as a means for me to vent into the aether and was never about seeking an audience. I’ll keep on carrying on until the day that the novelty of writing and maintaining a blog finally fades.

[blackasteriia]

16, 10, 7 for the ask meme :u

 Super Duper Deep Character Questions

||First question is shown but the rest is under the cut because it’s a doozy||

16.

I discussed in a previous post  how Xion’s physical appearance relates to her overall self-conception. Because of the influences of others and her own experiences with the world, Xion developed into a young girl with black hair. When she was in the Organization she had blue eyes. However, her eye color changed to a dark brown after she left. This was a statement of individuality that differentiates her from Kairi and Namine. It is also how she approaches her own style. Xion is unique, she doesn’t follow the trends or ideas of anyone else. She wasn’t want to wear other people’s clothes, or act like her peers. Her brand is 100% pure Xion. Pro-tip, if you want to buy Xion new clothes: let her pick them out. Do not choose them for her. She will not wear them. Set her free in a clothing store and see what she comes back with. Whatever it is, you can be certain she’ll be happy with it.  

Xion’s sense of style was a gradual evolution. In the Organization she wore the characteristic black coat, pants, and boots of the uniform, day-in, day-out. Her hair began to grow to the point it needed cutting. She did it with a knife. Fingernails were chewed off. Someone must’ve taken pity and taught the kids about soap, toothpaste, and basic hygiene. I hope someone did, at least. There’s no implication of it in canon though. She does not wear make-up and even if she understood its function, she wouldn’t have time to. There is little to no self-expression in the Organization. Xion is also a child soldier fighting to survive, appearance is way low on her list of priorities anyway. She doesn’t know anything about ‘style’ or ‘fashion.’ Clothes are functional, they keep her warm and they cover her. They also provide basic protection against the elements and attacks. 

The first time Xion shows an inkling of concern for ‘style’ is when she alters her Organization coat. Even without her memories, she recognized that the Organization coat is a symbol that said something about her. Something she did not want to be said about her. She needed the coat to travel the dark corridors, however. So, Xion found a tailor and had them change the design to suit her. She had it shortened and the hood replaced with a collar. Vents in the sleeves made it so they could be rolled-up. She also learned a spell that cleaned dirt, blood, and other stains from her clothes. This is also the point where she realized she could wear the clothes she wanted. Xion never had more than one extra change of clothes, but it was her clothes. Here Xion found some preferences: she preferred pants to skirts, she liked boots, loose shirts were comfy, and she kinda liked necklaces?

The necklace I draw her wearing in her art, for example: 

Is one that she made herself out of a piece of gem she found. She whittled and smoothed it down, then hallowed out a hole to loop a string through. Little things like that enabled Xion to find places for self-expression. However, her ‘style’ was cramped by the reality of her situation. She was still fighting to survive and once again her priorities laid elsewhere.

Once most adults are no longer attempting to murder her, Xion flourishes. She is never a fashionista, she never particullary goes out of her way to look Good. Instead, Xion understands that the ability to express herself should not be wasted. This freedom is valuable and just one more way to carve a niche for herself. It’s a statement of independence and power, a privilege she did not hav before. Clothes are always practical to her. She never wears heels for this reason. Still does not like skirts. Yet, she’ll color coordinate her outfits to suit her: blacks, dark, purple, blues, or reds. She probably has a small rotation of necklaces she likes. She has someone professional cut her hair, although it never grows past her shoulders. She looks clean and put together, confident in her appearance. Also she’s never wearing the stupid tacky apprentice outfit, she has self-respect. Even Xion knows that ascots are lame.

If she ever wears make-up it is very minimal, at most. She also is never going to get a piercing, too much risk of it getting ripped off in a fight. She will, however get a tattoo. Saïx left Xion with a gnarly, ugly scar across her back from hip-to-shoulder. When she’s old enough she gets a tattoo to cover it up. What the tattoo is of, depends. Usually it’ll be flowers and vines, a simple but elegant design that works to cover the mark. So, a painful reminder of her past is covered by something that is her and nothing else. Furthermore, in her room, wherever it is in the verse, Xion tends to collect things. Little trinkets and objects from her various travels. She’s not unorganized but she’s not obsessive about a system. She likes things to be at hand when she needs them. Shelves are for books and knick-knacks. She likes to have a desk to study at. Xion isn’t one for artwork, typically. However, if given art to put on the walls she might comply. 

10.

Xion isn’t traditionally creative, so you won’t see her make many works of art. She might doodle, she might hum, or write out a quick rhyme, however, she is not strongly artistically motivated. At least not in the way that is typically thought of as ‘artistic.’ Remember that Xion is a kinesthetic learner. Physical action is more important to her than an aesthetic ideal. In general, Xion will do things with her hands as an absent minded way to dispose of excess energy. Thus, the aforementioned carved stone necklace or her tendency to dismantle things. That or her little doodles, scrawled onto a page. If Xion is drawing or writing then it’s descriptive. Very grounded art that focuses on capturing details as she sees them. Xion isn’t an abstract person. She is concrete and focused on the space around her. It’s also apart of her general curiosity and drive to learn. Xion isn’t concerned with the lofty pursuit of high art. She’ll consume it, but even then I still wouldn’t consider her a ‘creative’ person. She doesn’t really listen to music and wouldn’t find a lot of joy in perusing an art gallery. Most paintings are boring man, I don’t know what to tell you. 

Where Xion shows creativity is in her problem solving. Xion is well-wired for logic and math. She is capable of teaching herself calculus if given the resources to do so. She can take the information she is given to form a conclusion. Then, use that conclusion to ask more questions that lead to more observation. She uses deductive reasoning and is probably one of the few people not truly victim to the confirmation bias. Xion is trying to disprove herself. It lends to her paranoia and tends to make her a bit of a conspiracy theorist. She is absolutely the one with the red string and the cork board. It also will make her a brilliant scientist and healer. Xion will ask the questions, look from the angles, and think about the problem, in ways no one else will. She will look at almost any design and think ‘how can I make it more efficient?’ She will then think through the possibilities of that. All of these are signs of her creativity. They’re pragmatic, efficient, and adaptable, much like her. 

Very little of this is evident until after Xehanort’s death. When Xion had the free time, the resources, and the ability to focus on it. Once again, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, even if Xion had the drive for creativity she wouldn’t have the resources for it. Nonetheless, she had to learn to how to fight the Heartless and adapt to the flow of battle. She also had to survive and exist on her own after leaving the Organization. All of these problems would require creative solutions. It just wouldn’t flourish in a tangible way until the people who were trying to kill her were all dead. So, she learns how to read, learns math and science, and begins to explore the world in a new way, with new tools. 

7.

Xion is a three year old child soldier with extensive combat experience, a history of abuse, torture, enslavement, and neglect. She has no social supports, no parents, no friends, no family. She has spent two years living on her own, feeding and caring for herself. Her coping skills are near non-existant. She has not been taught how to regulate her emotions, which easily overwhelm her or she suppresses them altogether. Several key betrayals have left her paranoid and untrusting. 

According to the DSM-5 the requirement for PTSD is exposure to a life-threatening event and Xion qualifies. She presents symptoms of involuntary memories, nightmares, flashbacks, and dissociation. She will avoid places or people who remind her of the trauma. Although, this is broad and often times Xion labels things as ‘threatening’ merely because they trigger her anxiety. Xion also has low self-worth, self-blame, emotional estrangement from others, and persistently struggles to regulate her emotions. She shows irritableness, hyper-vigilance, reckless and self-destructive behavior, startles very easily, and has deep sleep disturbances. 

When Xion is avoiding Roxas and Axel at the end of KH3, that is part of her detachment from social connection. When she vanishes for two weeks that is her isolating herself to deal with anxiety and negative emotions. Xion is paranoid and is constantly calculating the chances that someone is trying to kill or harm her. This is a learned behavior from years of people betraying her and attempting to kill and harm her. Her nightmares are the most prolific. Xion cannot sleep without horrifying dreams of close calls in battle, her abuse, or torture. So, she avoids sleep like it’s the plague, going up to four days without rest. She doesn’t like to talk about her trauma, or think about it. Xion is very good at hiding her symptoms and her distress. She’ll usually isolate herself when emotions become too much to handle. Failing the ability to escape, she will express it as an explosion of pent-up rage. 

She blames herself for what has happened to her. If she was injured in a fight then it was her fault. She should’ve been better. If she had been smarter, better prepared she could’ve prevented Xemnas from capturing her. Xion is self-destructive and reckless, she has very little regard for her own health or safety. She treats most injuries and wounds like they’re paper cuts, and is confused when others freak out over them. She hasn’t trusted someone since Axel first hit her. Everyone lies, everyone will betray you, they will all eventually attempt to kill you, at some point. From the position of an outsider this seems insane. To Xion it is perfectly rational and logical, a natural extension of her own experiences. Xion’s mental health is poor and her physical health follows it. Food deprivation means she is underweight. She looks like she doesn’t sleep. Her hair is a mess, her fingernails bitten to the quick. 

Everything about Xion is a perfect storm of poor mental health and self-care. So, what can be done to help her? Like most problems Xion has faced, its solved by moving her up the Hierarchy of Needs. Providing her consistent meals, shelter, water, entertainment, and affection, gives her the space to focus on her own health. By giving Xion examples of relationships that are not abusive or neglectful, it can reframe her previous experiences. Xion can learn how to trust and to open up to others. It will just take time and energy to encourage her to do so. If it’s available, talk therapy would be invaluable to her. In the case it is not available, encouraging her to discuss her feelings and memories will help her process them in a more healthy way. Xion is very young and she has extensive, painful trauma that weighs her down. However, with proper help, love, and guidance, she can grow beyond her past. She’ll always be more jumpy, or nervous, or anxious than most, she’ll always have that suspicious paranoia. Her sleep habits will never be perfect and the nightmares will never truly go away. She is not resigned to an existence of suffering, however. Xion is adaptable and more than capable of healing. 

[hot-water-tank-repair-servi-blog]

Air Conditioning Service Company Near by in Vancouver

Air Conditioning Service Company Near by in Vancouver

Pioneer Plumbing has built a reputation of honesty with our long time returning customers. We’ve found that “doing the right thing” in all aspects of our company has brought us to where we are today, and will continue to guide us into the future. Don’t hesitate to call and ask us any plumbing, heating, ventilation, or gas related questions. Chances are if you have a tricky issue, we can solve it.

We have a few goals for our clients. One is to be available for you. It is very uncommon that when you call us we are unable to make it within the same day. We give our repeat customers priority service so if you’ve used us before and you have an emergency, we are going to do what we need to, to get someone there.

Two is to be upfront and honest. From our quotes to our service techs on site, we don’t like to beat around the bush. We will let you know our concerns, our recommendations, and our opinions on how we would handle each situation as if it were our own residence where the problem occurred. We won’t tell you the job is only a 2 hour repair when we have had situations where it turned into an all day repair.

Three is to stand behind our installations and repairs. With mechanical work, it is very common for jobs to get larger or go sideways as you get into them. If we give you a quote we will stand true to the price, if we complete a job for you and you are unhappy with the finished product, we will come back and make it right. In return, all we ask is that you communicate with our office respectfully and honestly so that we can make sure at the end of the day you are happy with our services!

So next time you have a plumbing, heating, cooling, or gas question, repair, or installation you would like quoted, give us a call! Were here to help.

HVAC in Vancouver

  We have uncovered this post on Residential Furnace down the page on the net and decided it made sense to discuss it with you here.

Heating Repair And Seasonal Maintenance Tips

There are a few ways to maintain your furnace system. Odds are, during winter months your furnace runs throughout the day trying to keep the house warm. In fact, it is usually on more than it must be because it is incapable of maintaining an efficient atmosphere. When trouble shooting and improving the heating portion of your furnace system, there are several areas to look at.

Replace The Air Filter

This is what you typically hear people speaking about most often, but so few people take the recommendation and do anything about it. If there is a blockage, you either run the chance of not disbursing heat properly or perhaps starting a fire.When the filter becomes dirty air will not flow through either which means the furnace must work harder and will also mean a risk of fire. If the system is not circulating heat properly, it will be working harder. The fire concern is self-explanatory. In both situations it is not good for reassurance or your funds.

Look At The Blower

Check out the blower blades to make sure they are free of crap. Should there be any build-up of grime and debris, your fan will need to work overtime to blow the air around, and your heating will be overexerting itself. Therefore the system is over taxed and costing more money to run.

Check To See That The Fire Damper Works

Next, focus on the fire damper to ensure it is running the right way. The fire damper is self-explanatory so pay attention to this aspect.

Look For Holes In The Flex Duct

It is feasible that your ducts have become impaired throughout the years for different reasons. If a duct has flattened or become obstructed, your system will think that the right temperature has been reached, which will be false. When this happens the system works too much to do its job but is going to be incapable to attain the right tempurature.

Band Insulation

Insulation is usually missed but is among the most frequent explanations why an furnace system malfunctions. Take take time to focus on the insulation in between the duct work and the exterior to make sure it has not come loose. When this has happened furnace works more than wanted while trying to reach the best temperature.

Air Ducts Need To Be Sealed

Make be certain the ductwork is hooked up everywhere to all pieces. Disconnected ductwork will allow heated air leak out and of course add to the running costs.

Check For Leaks In The Return Air Inlets And The Zone Dampers

Be sure to check that return air intakes are clean and in good condition or your system will be unbalanced. Examine the zone dampers to check if they are in the correct place. Through the year we may change the position of the damper for a lot of reasons (i.e. getting into a tight space or making room for storage). Check to see that the dampers are actually in the correct position too.

If this is a little too much to handle by yourself, we suggest you hire an area plumbing service licensed for furnace and heating repair. You should be able to locate a good heating company who can deal with this for you. For the best results you could set up annual maintenance for furnace and your heating people will call yearly to deal with it.

https://www.google.com/maps?cid=16109373416364653742 https://vancouver-plumber.business.site/

https://www.pioneerplumbing.com/

Pioneer Plumbing & Heating Inc

626 Kingsway, Vancouver BC, V5T 3K4 Phone: (604) 872-4946

Business Hours: Sunday Open 24 hours Monday Open 24 hours Tuesday Open 24 hours Wednesday Open 24 hours Thursday Open 24 hours Friday Open 24 hours Saturday Open 24 hours

HOW TO LOCATE YOUR FURNACE

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOCATE YOUR FURNACE?

Air circulation in your home

If you have central heating, the furnace (also known as an air handler) in your home will heat your air in the winter while the blower motor circulates the air throughout your home. The AC evaporator coils for your air handler remove heat and humidity in summer. After your furnace heats or cools your air, it is then supplied to the duct system and the air begins flowing through your registers.

How many air systems run in your home?

Your thermostat is what sets the temperature in your home for your comfort. The number of thermostat(s) determine how many systems work to regulate your indoor air for heating and cooling.

Improve IAQ with Duct cleaning

Air duct cleaning can help reduce allergies from dust and other pollutants. Pollen, dust, and mold spores can get trapped in your duct work, which means that it's being continuously circulated throughout the air you breathe at home.

According to the U.S. Department of Energy (DOE), 25 to 40 percent of the energy used for heating or cooling a home is wasted. Contaminants in the heating and cooling system cause it to work harder and shorten the life of your system. Although filters are used, the heating and cooling system still gets dirty through normal use.

The National Air Duct Cleaners Association (NADCA) recommends air duct cleaning for improvement of Indoor Air Quality (IAQ). A certified duct cleaning will include cleaning of the furnace, the main trunk line [for air circulation] and all vents (including supplies and returns) each cleaned out individually.

Where is a furnace/air-handler typically located in a home?

Typically your furnace is centrally located in the home. It is usually located in an area such as a utility closet (by a cold air return), garage, attic, basement, or crawlspace; in the case of a heat-pump (a dual-system) it will be located outside of the home. When your system is run with a heat pump, it is likely a typical duct cleaning will include cleaning of evaporator coils with full system cleanings. Your furnace is usually located by other mechanical equipment such as the hot water heater, a [permanently installed] central vacuum cleaner, or a water softener, if this equipment is installed in your home.

https://www.advantaclean.com/blog/2014/november/how-to-locate-your-furnace/

I'm certainly very interested in Heating System Replacement and I'm hoping you enjoyed reading the entire blog posting. Are you aware of somebody else who is looking into the niche? Please feel free to share it. Thanks so much for taking the time to read it.

  Certified Heating Repair Best Furnace Repair Home Ac Repair Furnace Maintenance Cost Gas Heater Repair Service

Air Conditioning Service Company Near by in Vancouver

[professional-plumbers356-blog]

Home Hot Water Tank Contractor Near me in Vancouver

HomeHot Water Tank Contractor Near me in Vancouver

Pioneer Plumbing has built a reputation of honesty with our long time returning customers. We’ve found that “doing the right thing” in all aspects of our company has brought us to where we are today, and will continue to guide us into the future. Don’t hesitate to call and ask us any plumbing, heating, ventilation, or gas related questions. Chances are if you have a tricky issue, we can solve it.

We have a few goals for our clients. One is to be available for you. It is very uncommon that when you call us we are unable to make it within the same day. We give our repeat customers priority service so if you’ve used us before and you have an emergency, we are going to do what we need to, to get someone there.

Two is to be upfront and honest. From our quotes to our service techs on site, we don’t like to beat around the bush. We will let you know our concerns, our recommendations, and our opinions on how we would handle each situation as if it were our own residence where the problem occurred. We won’t tell you the job is only a 2 hour repair when we have had situations where it turned into an all day repair.

Three is to stand behind our installations and repairs. With mechanical work, it is very common for jobs to get larger or go sideways as you get into them. If we give you a quote we will stand true to the price, if we complete a job for you and you are unhappy with the finished product, we will come back and make it right. In return, all we ask is that you communicate with our office respectfully and honestly so that we can make sure at the end of the day you are happy with our services!

So next time you have a plumbing, heating, cooling, or gas question, repair, or installation you would like quoted, give us a call! Were here to help.

HVAC in Vancouver

  Have you been hunting for info on Commercial HVAC Service?

Why Heating Repair is Bound To Happen When Upkeep Is Neglected

There are many ways to maintain your furnace system. Chances are good the system shall be running all day long in the winter. furnace systems commonly run more than needed, because of incorrect configuration. There are several areas in your heating section to take a look at when troubleshooting for efficiency.

The Air Filter

This is the part you typically hear people speaking about most often, but so few individuals take the advice and check it. If there is a obstruction, you either run the chance of not disbursing heat adequately or possibly igniting a fire.When the air conditioner filter becomes dirty air will not flow through as well which suggests the furnace must work harder and could also mean a risk of fire. When a system works overtime, it is more expensive to run. You want to obviously remove any likelihood of fire. Neither scenario is good for your wallet or your peace of mind..

Look At The Blower

Check out the blower blades to make sure they are clean. A messy fan will work harder to blow the air around and naturally use more energy to maintain the temperature level you set it at. Therefore the system is overworking and costing extra money to run.

Check To See That The Fire Damper Works

Be sure to check your fire damper for correct operation. This will make sure that the risk of fire is reduced and that the system works more proficiently.

Look For Holes In The Flex Duct

It is possible that your ducts became impaired over the years for a variety of reasons. If a duct has collapsed or become obstructed, your system will think that the right temperature has been achieved, which will not be true. Inevitably your equipment will be working harder to keep your home cool as you keep on adjusting the thermostat to get to cozy conditions.

Make Sure The Insulation Is Secure

Insulation is often forgotten but is among the most frequent reasons why an furnace system does not work properly. Be sure to check the insulation and validate it has not become loose and resulted in gaps involving the ductwork and the exterior. When this has happened the system will work more than required while attempting to reach optimal temperature.

Ductwork Needs To Be Connected

See that the ductwork has not become separated from the next section. Disconnected ductwork will permit warm air leak out and of course add to the running costs.

Check For Leaks In The Return Air Inlets And Zone Dampers

Ensure that return air intakes are free of the dust and dirt so air can easily flow. Check your dampers to verify that they are in the best spot. Throughout the year we may change the positioning of the damper for a lot of reasons (i.e. getting into a tight space or arranging for storage). For a properly working system, check to see that your dampers are actually in the right position.

If that is a tad too much to handle alone, we suggest you hire an area plumbing company certified for furnace and heating repair. There will be a number of heating specialists close to you who will care for all of this quite skillfully. The best advice we can provide is to establish yearly upkeep for that appliance.

https://www.google.com/maps?cid=16109373416364653742 https://vancouver-plumber.business.site/

https://www.pioneerplumbing.com/

Pioneer Plumbing & Heating Inc

626 Kingsway, Vancouver BC, V5T 3K4 Phone: (604) 872-4946

Business Hours: Sunday Open 24 hours Monday Open 24 hours Tuesday Open 24 hours Wednesday Open 24 hours Thursday Open 24 hours Friday Open 24 hours Saturday Open 24 hours

HOW TO LOCATE YOUR FURNACE

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOCATE YOUR FURNACE?

Air circulation in your home

If you have central heating, the furnace (also known as an air handler) in your home will heat your air in the winter while the blower motor circulates the air throughout your home. The AC evaporator coils for your air handler remove heat and humidity in summer. After your furnace heats or cools your air, it is then supplied to the duct system and the air begins flowing through your registers.

How many air systems run in your home?

Your thermostat is what sets the temperature in your home for your comfort. The number of thermostat(s) determine how many systems work to regulate your indoor air for heating and cooling.

Improve IAQ with Duct cleaning

Air duct cleaning can help reduce allergies from dust and other pollutants. Pollen, dust, and mold spores can get trapped in your duct work, which means that it's being continuously circulated throughout the air you breathe at home.

According to the U.S. Department of Energy (DOE), 25 to 40 percent of the energy used for heating or cooling a home is wasted. Contaminants in the heating and cooling system cause it to work harder and shorten the life of your system. Although filters are used, the heating and cooling system still gets dirty through normal use.

The National Air Duct Cleaners Association (NADCA) recommends air duct cleaning for improvement of Indoor Air Quality (IAQ). A certified duct cleaning will include cleaning of the furnace, the main trunk line [for air circulation] and all vents (including supplies and returns) each cleaned out individually.

Where is a furnace/air-handler typically located in a home?

Typically your furnace is centrally located in the home. It is usually located in an area such as a utility closet (by a cold air return), garage, attic, basement, or crawlspace; in the case of a heat-pump (a dual-system) it will be located outside of the home. When your system is run with a heat pump, it is likely a typical duct cleaning will include cleaning of evaporator coils with full system cleanings. Your furnace is usually located by other mechanical equipment such as the hot water heater, a [permanently installed] central vacuum cleaner, or a water softener, if this equipment is installed in your home.

https://www.advantaclean.com/blog/2014/november/how-to-locate-your-furnace/

As a fervent reader about Local HVAC Contractors, I figured sharing that blog post was worthwhile. Do you know about somebody else who is interested by the niche? Do not hesitate to share it. Thank you for being here. Please check our site back soon.

  Furnace Repair Furnace Service Heating Maintenance Gas Furnace Installation Cost Heating Cooling Repair

Home Hot Water Tank Contractor Near me in Vancouver

[lesbianmonsterlover]

Waterfalls & Whirlpools (5)

Double post part deux!  The fifth installment of my camp nano project.

---

The sun has just begun to peek above the horizon somewhere distantly, the sky is still mostly dark but ever so slowly lightening and birds begin to wake from their nightly slumber.  Erin sits heavily at her desk.  It is possible that she’s suddenly begun sleepwalking and sleep writing, despite no history of it otherwise in her life.  She isn’t on any of those odd sleeping meds that sometimes make people do strange things in a fugue state.  If it isn’t her though, that means it has to be something or someone else, and the only response her brain can cook up is magic.  She doesn’t exactly feel...great, when she thinks about it that way.  What else could it possibly be though if not magic?  She isn’t willing to pull apart the book to find out, so with that resolved in her mind she returns her attention to the fresh passage in her journal.

I’m sorry it’s taken me some time to respond, things here are progressing at a fast pace and preparations cannot be halted, even for the most interesting conversation I’ve ever had.  We’ve settled in for the night though, after a rather long day at the armory and smithy.  Tell me about your work, what do you do?  I would suppose you can tell that I am something of a mercenary.  

‘No’ thinks Erin ‘I cannot.’  She supposes that it makes sense, in the context of the messages and now knowing what she knows about what the world on the other side of the page seems to be like.  She wonders what sort of something is progressing over there, what kind of adventure or battle they’re headed into.  Mercenaries tend to be hired by armies, right?  Right.  Well, that makes her feel a little bit inadequate in the face of likely a literal warrior who deals with death on a likely daily basis.  Still, Erin doesn’t have it in her to lie, besides what would she even claim to do that she could back up with enough knowledge that doesn’t make her look like a weakling any more than being a librarian does.  

I am lucky enough to travel with dear friends and work to keep the realm safe.  We handle niche problems that larger forces cannot.

“Am I reading a fucking D&D backstory?”  Erin vacillates between this being real and this being some kind of giant hoax being played on her by the town.  She suddenly regrets moving so far away from her care team and being here without a therapist.  Arthur had been the best, and was so very confident in Erin’s progress that he encouraged her to take this job so long as she would stay on her medication and continue practicing her mindfulness.  Sighing a little and rubbing her eyes, Erin decides once and for all to just...go with it.  If this is what’s happening, then she’s going to roll with it for now and keep evaluating things as time goes on.  

I wouldn’t have guessed you were a mercenary!  Considering that isn’t particularly commonplace in my world.  I am a librarian, I work in a small library at a school.  I didn’t love working in the city library system, and I’ve always enjoyed working with children, so being a school librarian was much more my speed.  It’s boring compared to what you do I’m sure!  But I enjoy it because it’s so quiet and predictable.  I find it hard to believe that the most interesting conversation you’ve ever had is with a librarian from small town Washington, but I’ll take it as the compliment you intended it as! 

Erin pauses briefly in her writing, considering what to ask next, whether it’s even appropriate to comment on the quest her writing partner is set to go on, when ink begins to flood the page again but not from her hand.  

Ah, don’t be so hard on yourself.  You’re a keeper of knowledge, it’s an important post.  Just because it isn’t dangerous doesn’t mean it isn’t impressive.  Besides, of course you’re the most interesting conversation I’ve ever had, you’re the only person I’ve ever talked to outside of our world.

“Well that sentiment is certainly mutual.”  Erin mumbles to herself out loud as she watches the writing seep to life.  

You’re certainly the only person I’ve ever talked to from outside of my world.  I keep wondering if I’m insane or if this is actually happening.  Magic isn’t real!  But apparently it is?  Or maybe this is one of those ‘sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic’ scenarios.  But I’m rambling, and I thought I only did that verbally.  

What do you mean magic isn’t real?

Erin is interrupted by a frantic and barely-legible scribble.  

I mean, at least in my world, magic literally isn’t real?  Except for apparently it is because we’re talking like this?  I mean, people have their own beliefs and whatever but there’s no like proof that magic exists.  It’s not like someone can just conjure fire or whatever, I’m hesitant to even tell anyone about this book because I’m pretty sure they’ll think I’m nuts and toss me into inpatient treatment because I’m essentially talking to myself. 

That’s the crux of it really, isn’t it?  There’s no one that Erin can show this to, no one that she can go to with this cool, weird thing that’s happening.  No one she can trust to share this with who would not immediately call for her to be evaluated for some sort of disorder.  It’s surprisingly easy to vent this into the journal, to get those anxieties out on the open onto the page.  The writing being scrawled beneath hers is frantic and once again barely legible.  It takes her some time to parse it out, and even then she isn’t one hundred percent on every word. 

Wait so you’re telling me that you don’t have access to magic at all?  But...how do you...how do you do anything?!  Does healing just take forever?  How do you treat illnesses?  Poisonings?  You’re telling me you’ve never been cursed?!  Can you at least enchant weapons?  How do you fight otherwise?!  You’re telling me you can’t even light a simple fire?!

You can almost hear the panicked voice on the other end, yelling about the lack of magic and all of the things she’s supposedly missing out on because of it.  “I mean, I can’t say I want to be cursed…”  Erin mumbles a little sourly, she’s almost pouting.  It feels a little judgmental but it’s not like there’s anything she can do about it.  “I can light a fire just fine, thank you very much, it just takes a lighter.”  She sticks her tongue out at the book as she talks out loud before drafting a response. 

Well, we’ve got technology?  We don’t really need to light fires that often, we might for pleasure in a fireplace or at a bonfire but we have electricity for heat and light, we have machines to help treat illness and we work hard to prevent it whenever possible with vaccines and immunizations.  We fight here I’d guess similarly to you guys in a lot of respects, although something tells me you all don’t have guns or explosive warfare.  If you could see a gun you would understand why we don’t need enchanted weapons, at least here in our world.  It’s not like we fight anything other than each other and the occasional wild animal.  No, I cannot say I’ve ever been cursed, at least that I know of.  

Erin watches the ink from her partner’s pen meet the page to start a word only to stop a few times.  Giggling to herself she leaves the book where it is for a few minutes to make a pot of coffee, bringing back a large mug of it doctored with cream and sugar.  Her writing companion had started and stopped a handful of times, leaving a smattering of dots and lines on the page before scrawling out a few more questions in a slightly steadier hand. 

Electricity like lightning?  You can harness that kind of raw energy?!  And you say it isn’t magic?!  

Erin laughs at that, taking a deep sip of coffee and trying to figure out how to explain electricity to someone whose only experience with it is in the form of raw lightning.  Of course electricity is terrifying, it can fry through you and stop your heart in seconds, or leave you with permanent injuries and melt off skin or even whole limbs.  Lightning strikes are no joke, and the damage they do can certainly leave you in awe of their power.  She herself doesn’t even really understand how it works, she knows enough to know that if she plugs her phone in, it charges.  If she puts a fork in an electrical outlet, it will kill her.  Something about resistance and ohms and circuits floats around in her head from her schooling, but nothing concrete or sure enough to do anything other than make her more confused.  “I mean I guess I could pull up a wiki article on the basics and do some transcribing…”  

That’s how Erin spends her early morning, trading messages back and forth with Urzash trying to explain the basics of electricity to them while being peppered with questions about how in the hell any of this could possibly work without killing someone. 

Well, a lot of people have died working with electricity.  It’s incredibly dangerous, it’s safer now than it’s ever been but especially in the early days a lot of people died because they didn’t know what they were playing with.

She completely loses track of time with this conversation and the rabbit hole she’s gone down, and it isn’t until her emergency late alarm goes off that she realizes she hasn’t even started frying the donuts, let alone showered or gotten dressed.  Her closing message is slapdash, apologizing but admitting to losing track of time and needing to leave like right now.  She feels a little bad about it, but doesn’t have time to dwell on it as she turns on the deep fryer before running to the bathroom to throw some dry shampoo in her hair and brush her teeth.  Grad school work, if nothing else, taught her about how to efficiently get through a routine in no time.  She’s only ten minutes late pulling into the school and running in with an apology about the donuts taking too long.  Mrs. Forrester laughs and waves off her apology as she pulls the foil covered tray from Erin’s hands.  “You can be late all you want if you bring me homemade donuts darling.”  

Erin blushes but laughs, pushing down the thoughts of the journal waiting for her back home and the reason she was actually running late this morning.  The unused dough sitting back in her fridge would get fried up later for her own donuts, and Mrs. Forrester didn’t need to know the dozen in the tray were only half the amount she had meant to prepare.  Breakfast is fun and quiet, the town gossip from Mrs. Forrester is pretty tame all things considered and mostly consisted of particular family rivalries that might rear their heads when it came time for classes to start.  “You’ve got to watch out for the Harrisons, by the way.  Their eldest daughter, Brianna, has been known to take books out of the library without actually checking them out in order to keep other children from using them, and has started teaching her younger brother Evan to do the same.  Their parents put a bit too much pressure on them for their grades and class position, so I understand where that instinct is coming from, but we’re working on teaching them better habits.”  

Erin sighs and snags a second donut from the tray (Mrs. Forrester already halfway through her third) taking a bite from the sugary cinnamon donut before taking a deep drink of coffee.  She could get used to this, listening to the older woman chatter on amiably while they drink coffee and eat sweets.  It’s bittersweet that Mrs. Forrester is retiring, but hopefully with enough of these early morning coffee dates Erin will be able to convince the older woman to keep meeting up occasionally outside of work.  The shrill ringing of the school bell interrupts her train of thought though, and Mrs. Forrester stands before recovering the donuts with foil and putting them in the bottom drawer of her desk with a wink.  “Alright darling, duty calls.  We’ll have some more of those at lunch, and you absolutely have to give me the recipe.”

[texanredrose]

Vent Post

Alright, I don’t typically do this, but I’ve hit my limit. Please understand, while I appreciate the love and support my stories have received, there is a trend that I have to address because it’s gotten to the point where it’s beyond ridiculous. After talking about it here, I honestly don’t want to have to bring it up again, and I expect no one to go harassing others over it. This isn’t directed at a single person and, for the most part, y’all have been wonderful; I truly couldn’t be more thankful.

However, if you’ve ever left a comment/review regarding Queens of Vale on another work of mine, especially if you didn’t ever leave a comment/review on Queens of Vale itself, and doubly so if you did that without actually reading the contents of the work in question? This is for you.

TL;DR: to everyone who loves Queens of Vale, I’m so sorry the next chapter hasn’t been posted yet. I would love nothing more than to return to it. But I also haven’t gone two weeks without someone using one of my other works to try to guilt trip me into posting it, and that kinda ticks me off.

Text contents of the above picture: “YYBB does have a point. I would LOVE to go back to working on QoV- or Freezerburn fics in general, really- but the amount of comments in that vein I've received have made it a sore spot, to the point where I've considered deleting it from FFN and AO3 entirely just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. It's also a big reason why I don't post promptly from tumblr to AO3/FFN, because each time I do- even though I've completely stopped writing FB and QoV- I get at least one comment/review/PM like this. I thank you for at least addressing the contents of THIS fic, since a lot of the ones I've received don't do that. You've also at least reviewed QoV before which, again, is something most people DON'T do when they leave comments like this on my other fics.

None of my fics are forgotten or abandoned. I go back and reread them myself and work on updates for them all the time! The next update for QoV, for instance, has been nearly completed for the better part of a year now. But I write what strikes my fancy in the moment and constantly being treated like my hobby should be dictated by others is extremely discouraging. Ultimately, I'm going to do what makes me happiest, because until writing starts paying my bills, I've really no inclination to put undue pressure on myself by compromising my free time to meet arbitrary deadlines.

I DO appreciate that you love the story. A lot of people do and that's fine! I'm absolutely FLOORED by how many fell in love with it! But, if people stopped hounding me to update it (the current record is less than two weeks), it would've HAD an update by now, much like several other fics that I updated or wrote sequels that no one asked for.

I also apologize for the wall of text. This just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back. (I usually delete the aforementioned comments/reviews- which is hard as hell to do on FFN btw- but silence isn't getting me anywhere, so it seems like a tumblr post is in order.)”

For well over a year, I’ve been receiving all manner of comments/reviews/PMs/asks regarding the next update for QoV. They’ve ranged from polite questions to outright demands. At first, I tried to take them with a grain of salt- for anyone who actually read the Author’s Note at the end of the last chapter, you’ll know that I had to rewrite chapters, and thus it would take time for the next update to come because I had other commitments- but as time wore on, I became discouraged from continuing it when the other, smaller things I’d written started getting reviews/comments addressing QoV instead.

I love the stories I’ve written. I love the characters I’ve written. I genuinely care about each and every one and try to put the same love and care into all of them. Can you imagine how frustrating it can be when someone who didn’t even bother to tell you they liked something only mentions it when you’ve offered up something different? And people trying to guilt me into it, like I owe anything to people who couldn’t give the five seconds it takes to type up “this is cute” or “I like this”?

Understand, I’ve been putting up with this for three years- you would be shocked by how many people combed through my previous works to comment about how “it’s too bad you don’t write [ship] because your writing is so good!” Like, examine that statement for a minute; if my writing’s that good, does it matter which ship I write? Judging by how many people have responded to even the most niche ships I’ve written for, I’m going to answer that: no, it absolutely doesn’t. It’s just a method of trying to make me doubt my own abilities and passion, to push me to write something I don’t want to write. 

Incidentally, my NOTP list? Entirely comprised of the suggestions other people have provided in reviews/comments like that. Because I don’t believe in rewarding bullies or praising bad behavior by bending to it, even for ships I honestly wouldn’t mind writing. So I’ve dealt with this, on a regular basis, all this time, in silence.

But enough is enough. The ones I’ve gotten recently? Couldn’t even be bothered to read the “this is a commission” literally at the top; the story’s written (mostly), I’m just posting at the customer’s request. 

Do you know how infuriating that is? Here I am, writing something that literally tells you what’s up, but you aren’t going to read it because... you want to read... something else? ??? Where is the logic? How can I even be sure you read any part of QoV- because, again, a lot of people doing this didn’t comment/review, so it’s not like I know for sure- and aren’t just doing it for some sort of smug satisfaction? Really, there’s no motivation here to even open the draft.

Y’all, I’m sorry for getting so long winded about this, but it has been building for a while. I’m a little annoyed, to put things lightly. And, yes, I have considered pulling the story from the internet entirely; I’ve gotten to that point before because if anyone thinks I’m scared of threats, they’ve got another thing coming. I’ll call your bluff and look you in the eye while I do it. I’ve tagged people before, telling them to save a local copy- that’s how close I’ve been to just washing my hands of it.

And the thing that hurts most of all is knowing that a lot of really good, kind people love the story, too. People who’ve been patient and understanding would love to see an update. Hell, I only even wrote it because Maka made the suggestion! Y’all are the only reason I haven’t deleted QoV and keep working on the draft. But if I post it, the people who’ve been hounding me will think their tactics worked, and they’ll either try to do it on another work of mine or to another writer entirely, and that’s the last thing I want.

So I’m just coming right out and saying it. Until I can go three weeks without someone using another fic of mine to demand an update, QoV will be abandoned. It sucks because I was so looking forward to this arc, which was going to set up some really epic scenes towards the end and focus pretty heavily on the relationship between Yang and Weiss, as well as their relationship with the rest of Patch. I was so looking forward to it, y’all don’t even know! Whenever I start reading over the draft, I get excited all over again!

I really wish it hadn’t come to this. I put out what I think is a lot of content- I’m already over 331k words for 2018, and there’s still more to come; I’m on track to exceed last year’s 340k words- but I’m doing this for fun. I love writing and telling stories, but I’m going to tell the stories I want to tell and I’m too damn stubborn for that to change any time soon.

I’ve always told y’all I’m an asshole. I’m sorry to be a dick but I’m not going to back down because a bunch of people who haven’t spent hours working on stories of their own think it’s okay to dictate how I should be doing it.

And I swear to God if someone waits three weeks and one day to do this shit again, y’all will know. Y’all will know immediately.

[crimson-of-the-earth]

Why I (Don’t)... [A New Annoying Series] Actual Title: Why I Don’t Take Commissions From Strangers Anymore

Hey, guys! So I’ve been in a sort of rant-y mood lately and I’ve just posted a vent a few days ago about why I train for mat wrestling instead of going to wrestling school.

I thought that since I’m probably gonna be posting a lot more of this kind of rant/vent posts, I figured I’d make it a series where I can:

Rant/Vent about certain topics

Answer asks regarding said topic or

Give my thoughts and opinions about certain stuff

Under the cut will be the actual rant so if you’re not into these sorts of posts, either ignore this or blacklist the words ‘rant’ and ‘vent’ so you won’t have to see further installments of this series.

Why I Don’t Take Fanfic Commissions From Strangers Anymore

You guys probably didn’t know this (that’s on purpose since I don’t think my work is good enough. and besides, i don’t have a paypal account) but I take fanfic commissions from either my friends, my family, my classmates, my professors; Basically anyone who is willing to shell out money for my work.

I originally posted my commission prices on my class’ (or ‘block’ as we refer to it here) group DMs. I did the whole 9 yards; I posted to the PE Group, the Western Cuisine Group, the Bar and Beverage Management Group; I posted that commission list to every school/class related group DM I had, and I’m sure I pissed off a few people because most of them were in all of those groups as well so they’d seen the same list over and over again. Sure, my commission list was pretty full, but none of the works I was working with were like more than 2,000 words so I was finishing them rather quickly.

The way I do these commissions is through Google Docs or MS Word and send through e-mail, but the payment has to be handed to me in person the day before I start the commission, either half or full price upfront depending on the trust I have with the client.

Now, it may seem like I’m rambling but all this will make sense in a second.

So, a lot of my clientele (if you could call it that) are people from my friends circle, or people who have the same major as me, same classes as me, or basically just people I interact with on a daily basis and/or know on a basic level. 

I keep this business a secret from my family because I’ll admit it: I don’t like sharing hard-earned money unless it’s important. I know that makes me sound horrible but what I do with the money I’ve earned is treat my mom or my sister or both to go to the mall, maybe buy a few nice things for them to kinda...give back to them. Sometimes, I even tell my mom to just not give me lunch money on certain days because I can buy food for myself, saving her money to treat herself with. If they knew about my “job” as a fanfic writer, they’d constantly borrow money from me that I could’ve spent giving my mom and my sister gifts.

Now that that’s outta the way, onto the actual rant.

Like I said, I take commissions from my classmates who I have the same classes/major with or professors with whom I have classes with. So I know everyone who commissions me in the event of a discrepancy, regarding either the agreed-upon word count, confusion about prices, wanting refunds, etc., etc., they could easily approach me for it or leave a note in my locker with their name, commission details, class/subject we both have, and any concern they might have. (It’s very detailed for a fanfic commission, I know. It would’ve been easier if this was all done digitally but just like with everything else, I need receipts in case of any mishaps that might happen.)

Since I use the same format for new commissions, someone from the IT College (mind you, I’m an HRS/Hospitality & Restaurant Services major) submitted a request note saying that they would like to commission me for a 10,000+ word, multi-chaptered work, and told me to meet up at the school canteen later at lunch that day to discuss details. 

I was already cringing at that point because, let’s face facts here: College students don’t really have any money to spare unless they’re either really rich or they have a part-time job. And the fic they wanted was going to be at least $105 (₱5,600 = $38 + my time [$10] + the extra details they wanted [which estimated around $20 since they asked for basically purple prose descriptions] + the prologue [which costs exactly the same price for a one-shot, 1,000< word fic $5) and I know they aren’t gonna have the money to pay upfront.

When we met up, he told me all the details, that he wanted the prologue to be more than 1,000 words, and I immediately warned them that that would cost extra since the price for a standard, 1000< fic would be $5/₱300 but they still wanted it so their total was now up to $110. 

I know that sounds like an absurd amount of money to charge a college student but mind you, they wanted at least 30,000 words spread throughout 5 chapters, excluding the prologue which was about 2,500, and they wanted it to be as descriptive as I can write it. And also, this was the cheapest I could go for such a lengthy piece, given the client’s situation and my time and expertise. Which means that I have to either rush out other commissions or tell those clients that their commission would be finished at a later date, both of which I didn’t want to do because if I rush a story, it’ll end up not being worth the money I was given. And I don’t want my clients to wait any longer than, say, a week for a 1,000 word fanfic. Fics of that length shouldn’t even take me a week, I finish those in like 1-3 days depending on how many commissions I have, or my personal situation.

Now, back to the absurd commission. I calculated the price right in front of him so there would be no further questions or complaints as to how the price was how it was, and I had them make a recording on my phone saying that they agree with the price, again another safety net for me should anything go wrong.

Now, since the price was a certainly beyond what he could’ve had as his lunch money at the time, I decided to make the mistake decision to let them pay half when I send them the WIP screenschot of the prologue and the rest when it’s done. That way, they’d have more than enough time to save up some of the money since it’d taken me 3 weeks to finish that. I also made him record himself on my phone saying that he agreed to this payment method.

Cue the day I send them the screenshot of the prologue (which was well over a week after the price agreement) and told them “alright, like in our agreement, we can meet up at school so you can pay half like we agreed, then I can finish the entire thing.” Lo and behold, they reply to me with “oh, I don’t have the money yet. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, I had to spend a bit of money to help with tuition and bills and stuff.”

Now, I get it: Life can be a surprising bitch and it’ll spring up awful situations when you least expect it, especially when you’re in college like we were. So, against my better judgement, I let them know that they can pay full price once I’m done, which they again agreed to. I have the screenshots but for my and this client’s privacy, I won’t post them here. (and because I’m too lazy to block the names out of the screenshots)

Well, 3 weeks later and the fanfic was finally done and out of my hair, I asked around the IT professors if the client was one of their students. Guess what? 

Turns out they fucking dropped out of the school one week prior. So I messaged them, politely and professionally, to remind them of the fic they commissioned and they had the fucking balls to say, and I quote:

“Can you just fucking leave me alone? That commission was a prank and you fucking fell for it, loser. Do you actually think that people want to pay for stories? Fuck, I can write the story myself and it would be 10 times better than the commission I had you make for me. Good luck with your failing business, bitch.”

After that, I just...I ripped that asshole a new one, saying that if they could make a better story, why commission for it, even if it was just a prank, bro? I said a lot more but I don’t want to remember that time. It was a bad time for me because it was so upsetting wasting precious time, energy and skill, only to be scammed out of an insane amount of money.

I already knew, even before I started my commissions, that fanfic commissions were gonna be a niche market since, y’know, people already don’t want to pay for a fucking “art piece that I could’ve made myself”, so I prepared myself for the backlash I’d get from outraged people who would complain about me being a “selfish bitch because you charge for a bunch of words on the internet”.

But to be burned this bad is just so upsetting. I literally cried in the bathroom that day because I just felt so stupid for making that one mistake of letting someone outside of my usual clientele circle to not only request a commission but not letting them pay upfront like I always do with other commissions.

Since then, I’ve never let a stranger commission me ever again because I was just so traumatized by it that I don’t want to feel that way again. I never want to feel stupid because I did something out of the kindness of my heart. I don’t wanna be made a fool simply for being nice to someone. 

This was a very long one because it’s such a personal story of mine that just really grinds my gears everytime I think about it.

To the people who do commissions of any kind, (whether it be art, adoptables, fanfiction, YCHs, or whatevs) NEVER BREAK YOUR BUSINESS MODELS LIKE I DID. Especially your payment conditions. I was stupid to do so, so please

Don’t repeat the same mistake that I did.

[neoplasmic]

vent post i might be discussing some aspects of pedophilia and homophobia and teh like.

im not going to say seeing amy rose's titties when i was like 11 like traumatized me or whatever but yeah the more people talk about it the more you realize ... yeah maybe being exposed to a barrage of weird porn at a young age like consistently did fuck me up a little bit. & maybe impacted my relationship with sexuality significantly. especially when it’s like. it’s one thing where like... it feels like some people prioritize jerking off over literally everything else like all earthly affairs and such are literally nothing compared to the attachment they feel to their anime women. if you criticize the porn tehy masturbate to you might as well be pissing in their mother’s face it has the same emotional impact there is no lower blow. ok but like these sort of people like literally arent even concerned with the age of the fictional people they jerk off to or like the moral aspects of it so many i guess “twitter sexywomen” are like. 14 year old girls. & it’s not even just in these weird niche circles of internet fuck ups its like long before then “teen” porn has been a popular genre. the predation of teenagers feels like its present in everything like even in things that should be “safe”... not just teenage girls either and spending 5 min in the proximity of a “fandom mom” will tell you that but that specific thing affects me the most as a Teen Girl. shit by grown adults that draws focus to their bodies or especially when it portrays them as the “gold digger” type or lusting after older men (im just gonna come out and be like ... mona from warioware her whole design and the way she is treated in the games and ESPECIALLY by people in “fandom” ... ive never been so homicidal) again as a teen girl it makes you feel so unsafe . like adults dont care about your safety or emotional wellbeing or about protecting you at all. teh people that produce overtly pedophilic pornography or like incest porn are literally given free range to do and say whatever they want and they receive literally like bare minimum ostracization for it. literally the worst treatment they get is people making jokes at their expense where realistically these people should be on a fucking watchlist or in jail . and people who encourage these fucking lunatics. these deliberately dangerous people. by saying its their weird fetish to cope or whatever. THERAPY. or im gonna kill you. it has literally filled me with such violent abject hatred since like day 1 that i share air with these people and i cant escape them. and everyone else doesnt do their part to harass these people out of public spaces like back into teh hell pit they come from. but you’re so hopelessly angry and scared and why. abt something that most other people probably just see as kind of weird or irrational. because obviously these people are still like visible. it makes you feel so alone and insane. and every time i see someone bitching abt purity culture or antis or “not actually caring” abt victims of such and such ... im filled with such a real rage but its just hopeless you know. & it has to some extent impacted how i view myself and other’s expressions of sexuality ... this is like what i think i need to go to therapy for but i dont really want to talk about it because i think it makes me sound insane. like even hearing other people talk about boobs is like -__- seriously. but that’s me. tahts literally you you like boobs what’s your problem. if you’re actually still reading this at this point dont take this as like legit criticism of like you as a person or like think im gonna start asking you to trigger tag titties because i know this is objectively irrational and that im like mentally unstable. like the closest thing i have to an explanation for why im so weird in the head abt it is that i guess ive internalized teh Abject Terror or whatever & now my brain thinks Girl + Sex = Scary?? and something feels wrong with me even now ... i feel like ppl probably note my Bihet nature & that i guess i talk about fictional men more than fictional women . but like that and like . It’s not like it’s necessarily common to hear people talking about man tits and ass. So i feel alone in my insanity but also not because people agree with me ... as they should. -__- You can talk about wanting to peg a man and it’s like. Well it’s not like it’s a societally acceptable talking point. EA or bestheda or whatever isn’t gonna announce a game wth a sexy male lead in like tit windows or whatever but then you’re like “ i want to fuck a girl “ and suddenly your brains like ????? 404 Stable Relationship With Sexuality Not Found so you’re like ehehe strap and then you’re like I’m literally going to kill myself. Uhh whatever. it’s not like im not attracted to women i know this fucking intuitively but my brain just . Ugghhh plus it would be nice to have like one female character that you could look at and be confident that people arent drawing hyper lactation inflation impregnation 4K cunt shitting porn of but god hates everyone.  Also i am like genuinely afraid of most unfamiliar adults just as a footnote. Fuck off

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Finstas make online dating so much more complicated

In our Love App-tually series, Mashable shines a light into the foggy world of online dating. It is cuffing season after all.

I will never again let someone I'm dating follow my finsta. 

That's a sentiment that countless finsta users have when establishing emotional boundaries. In relationships built on intertwined online and in-person interactions, it's often a point of contention.  

If you haven't been initiated into the bizarre world of niche memes and astrology tag posts, a finsta is a secondary, private Instagram account used to keep snarky screenshots, rant about your personal life, and post (mostly) risqué selfies that would leave the family members who follow your main account absolutely appalled. Finsta followers are usually a highly curated selection of close friends who wouldn't judge you for your bizarre one-night stands, validate you when you're feeling yourself, and support you when your mental health dips. 

If a single group text represented only one circle of friends, then a finsta would be the overlapping portion of a Venn diagram. Friend groups don't always overlap, but on your finsta, you can access all of their unrelenting support on one platform. 

Finsta really does teach you a lot. You find out who cheating, who hoeing, who got played and who depressed etc. Need help making a life decision? Ask your finsta, need help on an outfit?? FINSTA

— Tashie🌻 (@_NatashaMarie_) January 31, 2019

But when it comes to romance, deciding whose follow requests to approve can get hairy. 

I personally have had a finsta for longer than any relationship I've been in and allowing a partner to follow it ended in disaster. In my case, I forgot to block the now ex from my finsta after we broke up. I posted a screenshot from a funny Tinder conversation with someone else weeks later. I woke up to a seething late night call from the ex, who was furious that I was on a dating app and even more enraged that I posted about it on the not quite public, but not quite private platform. 

SEE ALSO: Which dating app is right for you? Use this guide to figure it out.

The whole debacle made me wonder if anyone should ever let their significant other follow their finstas. When I put out a call for thoughts on it, people were passionate about maintaining boundaries between the person they're dating and the content they post in private.

Caroline Long, a college student in Boston, said she rejected her boyfriend's follow request about a month into their relationship. 

"If there's life news or drama I'm posting about, he's usually the first to hear about it anyway," she said. "And I've had my finsta for a while so there's some old, old posts about former boyfriends and issues that I'm sure wouldn't be fun for him to peruse." 

my finsta b like -here’s a picture of my ass -let me expose my mental illness -now ima broadcast my depression episode -look @ my titties -this meme was funny

— 𝓒rybaby 𝓛ynn ✧ (@xbasedxgoddess) February 6, 2019

Online dating expert Julie Spira says couples with finstas don't necessarily need to share the accounts with each other for a healthy relationship. As long as you're not going out of your way to hide anything, Spira believes having a private space to vent is fine.

"When you're in a relationship, there are always things that you share with your close friends that you just might not share with your partner," she said during a phone call. 

Finstas are appealing because they allow for vulnerability when there's an insurmountable pressure to be perfect on social media. Sydney Smalls calls her finsta a "little safe space," which is why she's hesitant to approve her boyfriend's follow request.

"It's where I'm the most honest version of myself online so I only trust a few people with what I write about," the New York-based production assistant explained. "Even though I trust my boyfriend it would just be an added level of pressure for some reason."

Many share her view; although they feel supported by their partners, the finsta users who shared their stories with me said that they would censor their posts if their partners followed them. 

When I was convinced someone was ghosting me, for example, I turned to my finsta to talk through it. An army of close friends analyzed screenshots down to the timestamp and deliberated in the comments, concluding that although ghosting was a possibility, I should suck up my pride and double text. In the end, I had nothing to worry about — the support network I had through my finsta convinced me not to sabotage a new relationship, and all I had to do was literally communicate. But if I had let that person follow me, would I have asked for advice in the first place, or would I still be wallowing in my own anxiety? 

Overheard in bar last night: Girl 1: I let him see my finsta so we're basically never gonna date Girl 2: oh ya that’s the kiss of death

— PAZ (@pazpaz) February 24, 2018

Finstas are like a semi-public diary for soliciting advice and rationalization and inviting someone you're actively dating into it might make you less inclined to seek out that advice. The private accounts are a valuable space to talk out issues beforehand so you can approach your partner with a reasonable level-headedness. 

"Having a space for myself ensures that I'm being honest about what's upsetting me," Long said, elaborating on why she doesn't let her boyfriend follow her. "And how I'm getting from Point A to Point B. Not that I'm dishonest with my boyfriend, but I don't feel as obliged to cater or censor finsta posts for a certain audience."

For Danika Frank, a writer in Los Angeles, using a finsta to separate herself from the people she dates keeps her codependence in check.

"So it was good to have a space, a place where I could dissect my own thoughts away from them," she said. "Even if I was stressed about something relationship-wise, I could break it down on there before bringing it up to them."

Philadelphia college student Mal Sary, who went through a break up while she and her ex were still living together, said having a non-physical space to get away helped her through it until she could find somewhere else to live. 

"Instead of yelling at my ex, I just used my finsta to channel a lot of my anger," Sary said.

In addition to having a defined place to put their thoughts in order, the people who don't let their significant other follow their finsta felt like they didn't have to because their relationships were already healthy enough. Although Smalls' boyfriend doesn't follow her private account, she doesn't turn to her finsta to complain about him when they have issues in their relationship. 

"When I'd have problems with my ex, I'd just post about it and hide it from him and let it build," she said. "This time, I just talk directly to [my boyfriend]. It kinda feels disrespectful now. I don't want to talk about him behind his back [because] I know he wouldn't do that to me."

Jeung Bok Holmquist, an artist in Madison, Wisconsin, adds that their partner doesn't follow their finsta, but that doesn't give them a pass to complain about him. 

"I guess I only wouldn't [allow a finsta follow] if I was actively talking about my partner on there, but I also shouldn't be talking shit about my partner in private," they said. "So then that's just a clear sign of a bad relationship!"

𝓷𝓮𝔀 rules of dating: 1st base: liking and unliking someone’s post 2nd base: “nah u don’t have to venmo me” 3rd: get called an asshole on their finsta homerun: a retweet

— vinay (@mumblecomic) January 10, 2019

That doesn't mean that not allowing a romantic interest to follow you ensures smooth sailing. Nothing you post on social media is truly private. Anything can be screenshot, passed through the screen grapevine, and end up hurting everyone involved. But do people have an obligation to break the trust of following a friend's finsta to protect another friend's feelings?

Evy Oliverio, who works at the United Nations in Beirut, was seeing someone who encouraged her to follow his finsta, until she DM'd him and realized she was blocked. Their mutual friends still followed him and could see that he wasn't interested in her anymore, but didn't tell her. She later found out that he had promptly started dating someone else "for real" after "months" of telling her he "wasn't ready."

"We had enough mutual friends who knew about him dragging me through metaphorical dirt," Oliverio said. "And yet none of them would be like 'Ev, this is happening.'" 

Spiro, the relationship consultant, is cautious about breaking that trust. Even though it may be hurtful to mutual friends, if someone invites you to their finsta then you have a "digital moral obligation" not to share what they post. 

"Either you're in something that's private or you're not," Spiro said. "I love the fact that this is small and intimate, but I think there needs to be spoken and unspoken rules of what you do and don't share." 

Despite the moral obligations, Oliverio notes that finstas are still public, even if your account is set to private, and she'd rather step in than see a mutual friend be hurt.

"You allow who you want to see it but the fact that someone else besides you 'sees' your truth, it's no longer private," she noted, acknowledging that it doesn't justify sharing secrets. "I do think that if you and I have a mutual friend and on their finsta, they start dragging you, I'd tell you. And secondly, hold them accountable." 

At the end of the day, finstas are yet another aspect of how the internet muddles dating. But that doesn't mean that finsta users shut their partners out of their secret accounts entirely. For Valentine's Day last year, Holmquist made their boyfriend a zine with drawings from their finsta posts when the couple first started seeing each other. As long as there's open and honest communication between a couple, finstas shouldn't be an issue, they said. 

Spiro says it's "almost distrusting" when someone insists on following their partner's finsta. 

"I think trust and communication is something couples engage in every day but that doesn't mean that they're on a third-party text or phone call every time they're communicating with somebody else," she said. "You need to have your personal life, and they have their personal life, and you need to have your communication together."

I, for one, value the tightly knit support network in my finsta over any potential partner's insecurities. If a partner asked me to give it up, I'd probably dump them and immediately post about it on my finsta. 

Even if it makes dating more complicated, I wouldn't trade it for anything. 

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