#and actually there is no cockles here which seems crazy

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Are you a serious cockles shipper, or do you just do it for fun? No hate either way lol just wondering

okay i’m putting this under a readmore because it’s embarrassing to talk about in front of 20k people. this is my cockles manifesto:

i am, as a rule, not into rpf shipping. i have no problem with people who are, it just feels kind of weird and invasive to me so i generally avoid it.

however, i have been here since 2012, and the sheer level of unabashed shenanigans that have been beamed into my eyeballs, paired with my intuitive understanding of body language, have convinced me that misha and jensen do in fact have a private romantic/sexual relationship.

BUT i have to make it clear that i don’t mean that in a “cheating on their wives” way, but in a polyamory way - which isn’t much of a stretch, considering that we know misha and his wife are poly, and vicki literally wrote ‘the threesome’s handbook’. almost every single cockles shipper loves vicki and danneel, we are not about disrespecting or hating them whatsoever. 

now, i KNOW that saying that i believe the actors who portray my otp are in a secret relationship makes me sound insane, believe me i’m aware of that, but i’m not saying it lightly or without evidence. those of us who’ve been around a while know that it’s treated as basically an open secret in the spn fandom and among the spn cast, who very frequently make comments and allusions to them being together. jared has made SO many comments that people make posts collecting them, like this one and this one. like i said, it’s basically an open secret (like that time the show said “they’re a couple in real life”). here’s some Highly Suspicious Stuff: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14/15, 16, 17, 18, 19/20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43

i mean... 

but it’s important to make clear that if either of them EVER seemed uncomfortable with us shipping them and making jokes and comments, i would absolutely stop. i respect them and i don’t ever want to make them feel creeped out or like their privacy is violated. but the thing is, they not just ‘not uncomfortable’, they very deliberately egg us on. misha loves to make ‘cockles’ puns, they happily do silly photo ops implying they’re together, and they both love to post photos of themselves together, knowing quite well how we go crazy for it. 

like the above selfie, where they posed chest to chest, and this actual ‘anniversary’ photo jensen posted, celebrating ten years of the first time he took misha out to dinner, actually tracking down the same restaurant and the same table.

or these really adorable photos of the boat trip they took with both their families:

and of course the beloved sunset photo:

every time they have a panel together (which usually only happens at the yearly roman convention known as jibcon), their antics get wilder. the first time i went “wait...” was in 2013, when they dry-humped onstage.

and by 2019, we have jensen eagerly throwing himself down on the stage (to reenact a scene between castiel and sam) so misha could get on top of him and mime choking him, and then pretty obviously getting a boner because of it (video). oh and i can’t possibly leave out the kissing (bonus gifs, and more), or the panel where jensen got drunk and opened his pants to show misha his underwear.

their body language around each other is so different from how they are around anyone else (except their wives). like, you can see how jensen and jared love each other and what good friends they are by how they play off each other and have an easy camaraderie, but as soon as jensen gets around misha, he can’t take his eyes off him. he stares, he giggles like a fool over not-that-funny jokes (we call it his unicorn laugh), he looks absolutely besotted, and they’re constantly gravitating to each other and touching each other in really intimate ways: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20

honestly, there have been so many Shenanigans over the last 12 years that i can’t even remember them all, or find them all in my archives. there’s been clothes sharing/swapping, there’s jensen’s inexplicable kink for misha’s bad accents, the time misha reenacted the fake orgasm scene from when harry met sally and jensen, um, liked it (bonus), their matching bracelets and rings (and another ring), how very enthusiastic jensen is about calling misha “dmitri��, how jensen grumpily insists he can’t remember last week but jumps at the chance to tell the story of how he met misha and the first time he went to dinner with misha and misha told the server to bring them “the three least ordered dishes on the menu” (seriously, they tell the story of how they met all the time), the number of times they’ve been suspiciously late to their autograph and photo op sessions...

here’s some more adorable: 

gag reel compilation 

resume battle 

“i love you” 

best moments compilation 

really bad dancing 

gently bullying 

jensen praising misha 

jensen gushing over misha 

lowkey hand-holding 

“i’d take jensen home” 

bickering 

the time misha tried to sneak up but jensen could see him in the monitor 

knock knock 

supportive jensen 

“you drew the black penis?” 

destiel or cockles?? 

bowtie adjusting 

jensen losing his fucking mind over meeting a dog named misha 

whatever this is?? 

some sdcc shenanigans 

shenanigans 

“aloha, cowboy” 

when jensen pied misha 

“dapper as always” 

the way jensen likes being bossed around... (bonus angle)

that time jensen tried to facetime misha so he could participate in a panel 

“who said it” game 

misha gazing at jensen

stuck in the space pants together 

2011 jibcon highlights 

blowing a kiss 

jensen straddling misha on set 

that time misha accidentally (?) tweeted out a cockles post, 

jensen elbowing jared because he wants to play foosball opposite misha 

the mirroring compilation

“who doesn’t love freckles?”

jensen falls over laughing because misha is wearing socks

the infamous reverse french mistake edit

jensen asked misha to autograph his sign

that time they showed up wearing the same suit

cute whispering and giggling

jensen calling misha his ‘pebble’

“how are you?” compilation

jensen brought a shirt to give to misha

“he’s like a little puppy”/”he’s like a little teddy bear”

jensen’s accent kink reappears / and again

"jensen’s the horse”/”my kids have seen jensen having sex many times”

“so it’s like football...”

jensen reminiscing on when they met

and look, despite all that, it’s honestly not about fantasizing about two hot guys fucking, or anything sexual at all. whatever they actually are, they love each other, they make each other happy, and getting to see it makes me happy. it’s something good in the world, these two sweet idiots loving each other and letting us see the fact that they love each other. 

so, uh, i guess to answer your question, i’m serious. but i do try not to cross the line between what happens publicly and what’s private. from what’s shown in public, i draw these conclusions, because, well,

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

i'm so excited about you taking asks again ahhhh okay so. if you'd absolutely had to choose. what would be your top 5 cockles moments, and why? thank you ily <3

here’s the thing: there are so many routes i could go down with this, because cockles moments come in all shapes and sizes and formats. these include moments from their panels, their bloopers, the footage we get when they don’t even know they’re being recorded, stories being passed down from photo ops & autographs(one of my personal favorite ways to get cockles, tbh, because they’re all insane), and social media(tweets to each other, instagram posts & comments, etc.). 

SO! since many a list like this has already been made, and i want to stand out from the crowd, what i’m gonna do is definitively give the number one spot to each of these five categories.(i might even throw in honourable mentions because they’re so despicably in love that they warrant that. i really put my whole pussy into this, guys, i hope you’re happy.) 

disclaimer: these are my own personal opinions. but that also means i’m right. so. enjoy. 

number one: top cockles panel moment

so we’re starting off with a bang, because how do you even BEGIN to rank what atrocities jensen and misha commit at jibcon. every single one they’ve had is damning in it’s own right, for different reasons.

however, considering just how much unabashed fuckery they’ve given us to sift through, it’s a good thing i do have a personal favorite despite it all. it’s heartwarming, the sweetest thing i’ve ever seen, AND it’s jarringly cinematic - mainly because it has a whole ass arc to it that was years in the making. it might even be surprising to some people, but my favorite cockles panel moment, and what i consider the one that encompasses their entire gut-wrenching journey from 2008-2013 in the most sweepingly romantic gesture possible, is this one.

i want this burned into my retinas. i am not even joking. when i'm through with my explanation, let me convince you why this is thee most romantic cockles moment of all time.

first, some history: people call this the resume off, but many seem to forget the botched attempt at a resume off a year prior. and yes, you guessed it: it's during their break up. it's a juicy time period for a reason, guys. it came across as exceedingly one-sided and VERY awkward. let me refresh your memory as to just how bad it was, and just how hard jensen was trying and ultimately failing at winning misha over: the funniest part of the whole resume off in 2013??? every joke/bit had literally already been made/done. they were just going through the motions again, but the difference THIS time...is that misha reciprocated jensen's energy. it. is. fascinating. i want to get into it more detail in another post, and i'll link it here when i'm done, but the main takeaway, i think, and the main difference that showcases how much they've grown in a year, is that in jib 3, misha flat out refused to do an accent, and this time around, he indulges jensen for literal minutes. when i tell you they're crazy, they're crazy. i can't wait to actually dive into it later.

ANYWAY, the resume off culminates in this moment here. and, like, a million things happen in this gifset. actually, more like a million and one. the music starts playingneediremindyouthatthesongissingingintherain(h e l p), misha starts dancing, jensen 'perpetually fake grumpy' ackles lets misha think he's not going to join, misha sits down defeated, but no!!! that was jensen's plan all along(look at his stupid fucking smirk) and he offers his arm to his dance partner who immediately grins like a fool, jensen then leads misha into their kick step, they perfectly synchronise and let loose, and are then very clearly having the time of their lives, hanging off of each other with joy and ease. from their expressions alone i can tell that this moment is so. so. so. so! much more than what initially meets the eye. i mean-misha is fighting back the biggest smile i've ever seen. to me, it reads like jensen is offering something to misha, something that misha kind of gave up on expecting, and him offering his arm like that is like, a surprise to him in the best possible way(and it's so not platonic, let me just say that.) as soon as jensen did that, it ushered in a new era of cockles. this panel is jensen and misha's favourite for a reason, and i think this moment is the biggest clue as to why.

whew!!! ok. that took a lot out of me and that was only point one. moving on,

number two: top cockles blooper moment

cockles bloopers hold an extremely special place in my heart, because it shows just how fucking disastrous jensen and misha are. they are so goddamn infatuated with each other that they HOLD UP PRODUCTION ALL THE TIME TO FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER(???). let me repeat. let it sink in. jensen ackles; arguably one of the most professional actors on that show who puts everything he has into each scene, with mountains and mountains of notes to prove it: would rather hold up production to flirt with misha collins. this sounds fake. it's not. he does it. all. the. time. and here's the thing guys!!! i'm gonna let you in on a secret!!! misha loves it. he loveesssss it. on top of that-misha collins: overlooked because he's pranked and people assume he's unprofessional as well, but his only pranks are in retaliation/off-set, and he rarely if EVER causes problems if he can help it....lets himself get carried away when it comes to jensen making kissy faces at him!!! are you actually kidding me!!! i mean. misha. it's just a face. you've seen it a million times. i don't buy that it triggers something in you that strongly....you like it, and you like jensen's reaction. you can't fool me!!! lisa berry's face in that one gifset shows just how fed up the crew is with their gross, coupley boyfriend antics.

i could pull up so many examples. sooooooo many. but my favourite was sealed since the moment i saw it.

i actually already wrote an analysis on it but i can't find it :(((( which SUCKS because i really unpacked the whole thing. i'll try to summarise.

basically, a backstory is part of this too!!! jensen and misha both had a really really hard time with this scene(because it's explicitly romantic there i said it), they sat down for hours and poured over their scripts together, they were super super nervous going into filming, both of them, jensen especially, were super hard on themselves for their performances not being true to their characters but they both complimented the other's work(boyfriend moments fr). so, yeah. they weren't confident going into shooting. and how do they get themselves to feel better???? by cuddling each other, apparently.

a lot. a LOT. happens in this specific blooper. to the point that i saw it years before i knew about cockles and it raised all sorts of flags for me.

1) stop pulling my face towards your crotch(as a thinly veiled request that misha would, in fact, move jensen's face towards his crotch, considering it was jensen moving himself there in the first place. also, why so comfy down there guys???) 2) you're my baby daddy i know(in the most intimate voice i've ever heard please) 3) i know, i know, i love you too i didn't say i love you i know but you wanted to say it etc. misha's right, of course. that's what jensen meant.

it just reeks of comfort, familiarity and intimacy between the two, and it's a moment that is extremely sweet and silly at the same time. they're so <3

number three: top cockles found footage moment

WONDERFUL category. truly the culmination of the cockles experience. many people have said that shipping cockles doesn't work because 'they're just onstage you dummies!! they're playing it up for the audience!!!' here's the thing, love. i could not disagree with you more. once you climb your way up the cockles ladder, you soon learn that they are, in fact, playing their dynamic DOWN, not up. they really are just Like That™, and they could not care less about the paying audience, if we're being honest, considering how much time they take to giggle with each other and refuse to let the audience in on the joke. and i love them for it <3

anyway, my point is that this category is for all you naysayers out there, all you 'jensen and misha's relationship is just for show and is real life queerbaiting'(?????lordhelp???) oh yeah? ok, explain this.

he. he. he calls jensen sweetheart. literally enough said. there's nothing to really add here, except, misha and jared then immediately engage in damage control. jared's method is distraction and misha's is retconning('get out of the car, dude') this was what got me to buy into the cockles dumpster for GOOD good. you don't call your buddy sweetheart accidentally and sound so completely earnest while doing it! especially not when that buddy is jensen ackles!!! you think he would let any of his friends call him that? do you?

one more thing; if it was a slip of the tongue, little mouth thing or whatever, you think jared wouldn't have jumped on it immediately??? i can hear it now. 'did you just call him SWEETHEART???' yeah. that's what i thought. you know why he didn't? because it was too revealing.

number four: top cockles autograph moment

i mean, i think we all know what it's gonna be, and if you don't, well, do i have the piece de cockles resistance that is gonna send you over the edge.

if you haven't heard of this story by now, as a cockles, truther, i'm gonna go ahead and get you to read it, because there is no possible heterosexual explanation for any of it, and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

spoiler alert: it's the story where phones weren't allowed in an auto session, jensen nuzzles himself in misha's hair, leans his full body weight onto him, holds his hand, etc. etc. i'm imploding just repeating this back, actually. also, just, the sheer amount of stories from photo ops where they tackle hug each other or slap each other's asses or sing romantic songs to each other or almost kiss is, frankly, a lot. if i could wish for anything, it would be to witness them in person.

and finally,

number five: top cockles social media moment

this one is super difficult, because there's obviously a lot to choose from. but you know what? full send, i'm going with this one:

i just. what to say about this. how often do misha and jensen watch sunsets together for it to qualify as ‘always’ ??? why are sunsets synonymous with their relationship??? that’s like??? a very romantic thing????? ‘this guy’??? the fact that it’s a CANDID??? i don’t know guys.

that could have been better but i am TIRED so. there you go rose ily

[xlynnbbyx]

To the @Anon who wished to remain anonymous I will not post your question. I will respect you wanting to stay anonymous and answer your question here. The question was why do I not like Cockles ship & why do I hate Misha?

Well like I have stated before I am not a shipper especially when it comes to Supernatural. I however do not have a problem with those who do ship as long as they are respectful about it. When it comes to Destiel & Cockles ship most of the fans are not really respectful at all. If you do not agree with them you are somehow a hater or homophobic. They will talk down to you if you don’t share the same opinion as them. Most of them have this fantasy of wanting to see Jensen screw Misha when Jensen is a straight man. When they didn’t get what they wanted in Supernatural they started pushing the Cockles ship hard.

It’s gotten to where they don’t understand Jensen and Misha are not a gay couple. They seem to not get that Jensen and Misha are straight. Every time Jensen & Misha had a panel together it was aw they are in love look at how they look at each other. Uh no they are not in love. Most of the time during Jensen & Misha panels(which are only done at Jibcon) Jensen has “apple juice.” When he has too much apple juice he becomes Nesnej so he probably doesn’t know what goes on half the time. It’s gotten to the point where every time Jensen does something they bring Misha into it. Jensen can’t do anything without them wanting it to be about Misha. They also end up sending hate to Jared for no reason because they want Jared out of the picture. They only want Jensen near Misha and not his best friend Jared. They end up hating Jared for everything especially if he posts something to Jensen.

Now I will say there are some people in that ship who are respectful. They don’t send unnecessary hate to Jared. They don’t mention Misha every time Jensen has something going on for himself. They keep most of their fantasy to fanfics. They don’t try to push it in real life. They don’t say oh Jensen is in love with Misha and so on. If you say you don’t ship it they are ok and don’t talk down to you. But sadly all the bad ones outweigh the good ones.

As for Misha I don’t actually hate him but I am not liking him at the moment. It’s mainly his crazy fans as to why and the reasons are listed above. Misha could put a stop to how his fans act but he doesn’t. He doesn’t go hey guys please don’t send hate to Jared or please don’t harass Jensen about the ship. Nope he actually encourages them by getting them riled up mentioning the ship. So then they harass Jensen wanting him to change his mind on Destiel when it’s clear he won’t change his mind. I really wish Misha would tell them to chill out. But he doesn’t at all he just riles them up more. I could say more but I already made this too long. I hope this answers your question anon.

[myhumanweakness]

Destiel/Cockles analysis s/p 15x18

Okay, so... This is gonna be a mishmash of thoughts, but if you stick with me maybe you’ll get what I’m saying. 

I’ve been seeing a lot of shit condemning Jensen as a homophobe because of his previous actions/statements about Destiel and also (for some ungodly reason) because of his performance during the confession in 15x18. And I have this theory that I needed to get out because it’s been there for a while, and now is the perfect time to explain it. 

This show started out in 2005 as a show about two manly, Midwestern men that  got pulled into a life of hunting the Earth’s worst creatures, tapping ass, and drinking beers (while also giving you a play-by-play on how to repress emotions), and there was also A LOT of love buried in the plot. A lot. 

The world was a completely different place in 2005. The own creator of the show didn’t expect the show to go past 5 seasons, so when the longevity came they were forced to grow. We watched this show go through a very human process/experience of growth and acceptance and evolution, and we got to grow along side it. Was it always a neat, beautiful process? Hell no. There were a lot of potholes along the way. But, growth isn’t linear. The point is that they (the writers, producers, actors, etc.) kept pushing themselves to grow year after year. 

So now, back to Jensen. Jensen has shown this fandom time and time again not only how grateful he is that we adore him and helped him to cultivate a life beyond what he has dreamed of but also that he is attentive and considerate to our feelings/thoughts. Has he disagreed with us at times? Hell yes he has. Has be bluntly stated that “Destiel doesn’t exist.” Hell yes he has. And it’s been hurtful and frustrating and invalidating. But, take a step back for a moment. 

Jensen is so connected to Dean. His friends and even his own wife has stated that he sometimes forgets that “he’s not Dean.” Dean has informed so much of who Jensen is for the last 15 years. And Jensen has admittedly seen a lot of himself in Dean. So who was Dean at the beginning of this show? Dean was the guy who made gay jokes, slept with plethoras of woman to fill a void (and also for pleasure), was so out of touch with his feelings because he was too busy being the person his father wanted/needed him to be, and had a very clear idea of what it meant to be a man. That’s the brain Jensen lived in for years while playing Dean. And honestly, it’s been speculated and discussed here, that Jensen’s brain might not have been too far off from that mindset outside of Dean. 

But just as we watched the show grow, I truly believe we watched Jensen grow. And we all know Danneel is a big part of that because she is wildly herself and big and fierce, especially about the things she believes in and loves, and she is open-minded and just pushes people to grow. And he has said those things about her. But I also think that a lot of Jensen’s growth came from Misha because as much as Danneel has influenced him over the years, I firmly believe Jensen needed to see/meet/form a relationship with someone like Misha in order to truly/permanently break down those walls about what a man should/could be. 

Cockles fans have long dissected and held up microscopes to Jensen and Misha’s relationship, so much so that there are pages and pages of theories about how their love bloomed, their break ups, their tender moments, and the growth of their relationship in general. But one thing that I think Jensen frequently struggled with is this idea that he needed to keep Dean true to who he is as a person, and that any growth and evolution in Jensen’s life (ie his relationship with Misha) couldn’t influence that. All of those moments he was denouncing Destiel seemed to be out of a struggle to keep those two people separate- Jensen vs Dean. Because in Jensen’s head, Dean was still this super straight, rough and tough, Midwestern monster hunter. 

But over the years, the Destiel fandom was comforted by Misha’s outspoken love, admiration, and agreement. Misha truly championed this fandom with reckless abandon. But while Misha was comfortable (to a degree) with himself and his relationship with Jensen, we really watched Jensen struggle. We watched Jensen grow. 

So, fast forward to the last couple of years. Destiel is subtextually canon- the writers have confirmed this at this point. Jensen is less negative about Destiel at panels insofar as to talk about their “break ups” and “domestic disputes” and “relationship” with a validating tone. Is he fervently talking about Destiel safe words and bondage and having sex/making out? No. But that’s not who Jensen is. He’s much more conservative with his emotions than Misha... at least publicly. 

This fandom has watched Jensen grow, not only in his dealings with/approach to Cockles but also with Destiel. So, while Jensen has long been adamant that Dean is not bisexual and couldn’t end up with Cas, I think there was potentially a moment where Misha (and potentially Danneel) were like, “Well, why can’t Dean be bi? Why can’t he finally realize that about himself after years of breaking down barriers and fears and conditioned notions? You did.” 

What came first, Cockles or Destiel? That’s been the debate right? The chicken or the egg? I truly think without Cockles coming first, we would have never been able to have Destiel. In fact, in my head, I can make the argument that without Jensen growing and going through the process of falling in love with Misha, Destiel would have never become canon. Jensen needed to first separate himself from Dean (which we are all privy to), grow and fall in love [again] as Jensen, and then give Dean the permission to grow and fall in love too. 

As we have seen from this week’s episode, Destiel has been there for years. YEARS. But Dean has always had to deal with two struggles: accepting himself and Jensen accepting him. We heard Jensen say at a panel that when he read the script for the final episode, he had a hard time coming to terms with what happened. People have long speculated that was referring to Destiel. Now, maybe it is and maybe it isn’t (I guess we’ll find out in two weeks), but it would make a lot of sense if it was. 

As everyone (the writers, actors, fans, etc.) has validated and acknowledged Destiel and particularly Dean’s love for Cas, Jensen has continued to struggle with it. But I don’t think it’s because Jensen is homophobic or anything like some people are saying. I think it’s because Jensen has worked tirelessly to separate the romantic lives of himself and Dean. Jensen convinced himself that Dean loving Cas and them having a relationship would be out of character, when in reality it followed this pattern of growth that both the show and bi (& LGTQ+) men/individuals around the world followed. Because Jensen is so connected to Dean, he can’t have 2020 vision until it’s hindsight because as Dean was coming out to himself and accepting himself, Jensen was accepting Dean simultaneously. It’s actually a beautiful thing. And it doesn’t make Jensen homophobic... it makes Jensen human. 

As many LGBTQ+ people will tell you, the path to realization and acceptance is fraught with struggle (internal and external) and doubt and denial and even self-hatred. There are no two characters that embody that more than Cas and Dean. So, I think that once Jensen realized that he went through a similar process as Dean it wasn’t that crazy anymore that Dean was in love with Cas. And Jensen loving Misha didn’t force Dean to love Cas- Jensen didn’t make Dean bi- Jensen loving Misha gave Dean the permission to love Cas and become one of the most human characters (especially male characters) to ever exist because we got to watch Dean find love and accept love through repression, struggle, self realization, and self acceptance. 

And for that, Jensen Ackles will go down in history as one of the best actors of this generation. Because he truly brought life to Dean Winchester.

Thank you for attending my TedTalk. I wanted to be much more thorough with this and include gifs and video evidence, but this is already lengthy and I doubt anyone even made it to the end. 

[theyarebothgunshot]

Ok so here a thing. when i first learned about cockles ship in 2014 and then that people actually thought its real i was like “....yall are crazy, moving on“ just because the scenario in which some traditional, Texas born and raised, ‘drinking out of the straw makes u gay’ man meets some laid back, open minded dude that gives 0 fucks to whats considered a norm and is a complete opposite of what Jensen is (or thought he should be), and that makes him jump out of his little box of pushed on toxic masculinity and fall in love seems so far from realistic it’s insane jk? ( and ofc on top of everything their wives being totally ok with it all too) But OH BOY, I’ve been back in the fandom for about a year and there are a lot of things I never knew it happened and with every passing day i feel like I’m going more and more insane bc what. the.fuck ......... I need some time just to process that ring post I cannot believe

very understandable, nonnie, welcome to the dumpster and feel free to ask me anything you want or to just vent in my inbox <3 i am here for believers, non believers, and skeptics alike!

[cowboylikedean]

Hello! I’m a recent follower who saw your posts about Harry new songs and started following you over those. I’ve seen a bit of you on my dash recently and think we actually got a few interests in common (supernatural for one)! I just read your latest post, and would like to know: did you use to think Harry and xander were dating? Do you think could they have dated or nah? And about spn… did you ship destiel??

Hey anon! Welcome! Just so you know, I don't post that much spn because it's really toxic and not good for me... but you will see some of it on my blog.

Gonna break this up into questions.

Did you used to think Harry and Xander were dating?

Yes. Yes, I did. I said I was here for "whatever was going on," but what I meant was "THEY'RE DATING THEY'RE DATING THEY'RE DATING I'm not going to say it because they haven't but THEY'RE TOTALLY DATING" 2015 was a rough time, and also the best time. I felt ALIVE and ON TOP OF THE WORLD but also I was SUPREMELY miserable and afraid.. I let Xander and Harry's supposed relationship act as a stand in for happiness. When the snapchat fiasco happened, I was extremely upset in a couple different ways. I was upset because the person responsible had lied to Xander and attempted to blackmail him.... Which was really gross and shitty. I was also upset because... If xarry wasn't real, what was? I had myself so wrapped up in the fantasy world where I knew exactly what was going on between them, that to be punched in the face with a reminder that I didn't actually know them or what was happening between them..... hurt. And that's why I used them in my cockles post last night... Because I know that's happening for a lot of cockles tinhats rn and I know that it is.... undoubtedly..... Hard. And Hurtful. The loss of confidence in your tinhat ship can be a very profound loss.

Do you think they could have dated or nah?

Yes. For years, my headcanon for them was on-again-off-again long term fuckbuddies/boyfriends with the most serious part of their relationship in 2015-2016. I still find that plausible. I also find it plausible they're just friends and always were. I used to look at things like the birthday cake and the playing lacrosse on stage and "I'm here for Xander Ritz" "Me too" as undeniable evidence there was something not platonic. Now, I see these things as evidence of love, regardless of platonic/non platonic status.

So yeah, I think they could have dated. They also could have not.

That said, no matter what happened and happens, the fact that they've been in each other's lives for 8 years and seem to be going nowhere is adorable. I love their relationship as a friendship, and I love it as less platonic too.

Did you ship destiel?

lmao anon this is a really complicated question. Yes, I shipped destiel. However, it was always with the caveat that Cas not treat Dean like an enemy or someone so unhinged they were not to be trusted. Cas lying to Dean and not trusting Dean for the sake of it is his worst and most toxic quality, and my shipping of destiel was always Dean-centric. I wanted Cas to be better for him. Ultimately, the writers after Sera Gamble had other plans (Gamble gave him the most beautiful redemption arc at the end of season 7 with all that character growth that came with Crazy!Cas. She is iconic and all other showrunners - including Kripke - suck in comparison). I stopped shipping destiel in season 9 when the whole show was much more of a fight between Sam and Dean. At that point, I didn't give a flying fucking shit what happened with ships, I just wanted Sam to hurt.

I find destiel to be the second worst and toxic ship in spn, second to wincest. And yes, that means I think that John and Mary were less toxic than Dean and Cas. I don't apologize. Cas is an ass who is abusive and likes to hold power over Dean. This is so clearly shown in all the seasons, but most clearly, I think, in season 15. The most "destiel" of seasons is also the season where Cas is the nastiest and cruelest to Dean. This is able to be the case because destiel was never about DEAN and Cas, it was about CAS and Cas only. This is true of the writing staff's opinion of destiel as seen in the narrative structure of the show AND the fandom's opinion of destiel as seen in fannon. Dean is an object in the equation of destiel, not an active participant. And to that I say FUCK destiel.

So yes I did, but always with the caveat that Cas needs to be better to Dean, and then I stopped when that wasn't going to be the case.

[whengeorgiawentblue]

I will admit I don’t understand why so many people in this fandom seem to be so set against any new content coming out. Like, why are you (this is a general you, not you specifically) in the fandom running a fan account if you seem to want spn to die off so badly? Aside from this Jessica Mason person being involved, a rewatch podcast with actual cast/crew members giving insight and bts stories is a fantastic idea. The prequel has a lot of potential to be great and if successful, could open the door for more spin-offs or even a continuation of the series. I think people forget that characters don’t need to be “good” or likable all the time to be interesting or to tell a compelling story. There are a lot of gaps in the John/Mary story that can be filled in by the prequel, and it also could be a really interesting character study. If that’s not someone’s cup of tea, that’s fine, but stop immediately shitting all over any new content that’s announced just because it’s not what you (again, general you) specifically want. There are plenty of people that are excited for the prequel and who want the podcast (just not Jessica’s involvement in it), but they unfortunately get drowned out by the loudest voices who seem to exist solely to complain about everything.

I would also like to point out that many of these people (and I’m not even going to try to touch the jpeg stans, because they’re just a whole other level of crazy. I’m mostly referring to the destiel fandom here) were plenty excited at the prospect of a rewatch podcast when they thought Misha was involved and are now suddenly claiming nobody wants this and the idea is stupid. Like, if you’re (general you) just here for Misha/Cas content, that’s fine. You do you. But newsflash, spn is not just about Cas or Misha, and plenty of people in the fandom care about the show and characters as a whole.

I think that, in fact almost everybody want new SPN content, but they are afraid they would be disappointed and/or could further cause more conflict between different sides of the fandom. You know, it's literally impossible to content everybody in this fandom:

Most Hellers don't want to see Jared anymore and I'm sure many of them are pissed off the first 2 episodes of the podcasts are only focused on J2. There are also many hellers afraid that someone would use the new shows/podcasts/whatever to discredit Destiel (specially if that someone is Jensen. You would argue that Jensen is "heller king" or whatever, but the thing is that he's in the middle of the fandom wars and can't deny nor confirm any ship. And tbh I don't think he's very interested...)

They same applies to most Wincesties, they can't stand Misha and they are also afraid the new shows would further drift away from a "only brothers" centered vision.

Plus, the J2 fallout debacle, which is still well alive no matter how much "brother forever" PR Jensen and Jared play. Just look at the last Rosenbaum's podcast; J2 stans and Jared stans were very disappointed with most things Jensen said.

The Ackles Army, which I guess also have some J2/wincesties and Cockles/Destiel shippers, but still I suspect almost all of them are pissed off with the ships (specially real people shipping), and are only interested in Dean/Jensen. Most of them probably want to get rid of both Jared and Misha.

The ones who are not interested in any ship and neither stan any of the actors; they are just sick of the fandom wars. And those who actually cares about ships/actors/whatever but are very respectful and friendly with any side and they are heartbroken about how the fandom has been shattered since the finale. (I suspect these 2 groups are the majority but they can't be heard above the noise of the other sides of the fandom)

Long story short: the SPN fandom is literally the Middle East of the fandoms. You have Christian, Muslims, Jews, and competing countries and superpowers always fighting with each other in neverending wars. In fact, this fandom says A LOT about the human nature. I find it kind of fascinating.

And all of them want more and new SPN content, but they are terrified it would disappoint them or fuel fandom wars even more.

Personally, I want to see new content, as long as it's good of course. I'm looking forward to see the John and Mary story, I think it has a lot of potential. And also happy for the podcast series. I agree the show is not only about Dean and Cas; in fact, I started to watch the show for Destiel, but I've been sucked by the whole history and all the characters. Deancas is only a small part of a much bigger thing, and I really enjoy that.

[finrays]

23. Enhance!

I actually finished this yesterday... I have to get a COVID test and gather groceries, though, so it's queued.

I have... a theory about that timeline, because if it's correct, Elisabet would have programmed GAIA in just about three weeks before machining her parts. Which seems... way too fast.

...or maybe I'm just a terrible coder.

-

She recognizes the voice that calls her name in a mockingly jubilant tone the moment she hears it, and it takes all of her self-control not to groan and bang her head against the desk.

Oh boy. Give me the strength. And the patience.

Without turning around, or acknowledging his arrival in any way, she flattens out her voice, keeping it as neutral and cool as possible.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Tate?"

Instead of answering the question, he leans over the back of her chair, peering at the lines of code on the holographic display.

"That doesn't look like your style of notation. You cribbin' someone else's work for the alpha build?"

With a noncommittal noise, she does her best to block him out, examining the next chunk of code, and adding in a few more lines and notations of her own before moving on.

"It's some of the base code used for VAST SILVER."

Tate lets out a low whistle.

"Always did wonder what happened to that thing. They said 'contained,' but that was just what they told the public, right?"

She's not surprised that he knows the truth; it's in his realm of expertise, after all.

"Yeah. It disappeared not too long after its recapture."

He takes a seat on the edge of her desk, uninvited, crossing one leg over the other and continuing to scrutinize the code.

"Courtesy of the hacker calling themselves 'Soteria.' Had a good laugh over that one, I did. It warms the cold cockles of my heart, thinkin' about all them MOCKINGBIRD types scrambling around like chickens with their heads cut off."

Raising an eyebrow, he tips his head toward her.

"I'm guessin' you've sniffed them out and recruited them for this dog and pony show, too?"

Still keeping her eyes on her work, she lets out a soft snort.

"I found you, didn't I? Yeah. They're on-staff. And they brought what's left of VAST SILVER along at my request."

Resting his chin on his hand, Tate waves a hand in a vague, circular motion toward the screen.

"So, you're usin' the residual code of an AI that went rogue as the basis for another AI that's supposed't direct the reconstitution of life on Earth?"

The skeptical tone rubs her entirely the wrong way, and she has to fight back a groan. This is exactly why she hasn't told anyone else about this particular part of the process; Tate's reaction is, she feels, fairly mild, as far as the possibilities go.

And it still irks her.

She knows that she doesn't have to justify herself. But she tries anyway, punching at the keyboard with more force than is strictly necessary.

"It had good bones. And what constitutes a 'rogue' AI, anyway? The reasons that it did what it did... it's easy to see them in retrospect. I can work with it. Make it better."

Give it a second chance, now that we know better.

He makes a wordless, dubious noise, turning his palms upward.

"You're the expert."

For some reason, she finds this the most irritating part of the visit to date. Finally turning toward him, she puts on her best Withering Manager Look.

"Look, did you have a question? Or do you need something?"

It proves to be wholly ineffective, which she should have expected; if Travis Tate were the sort to be cowed by authority, then he probably wouldn't be here, in honesty.

"Nahhhh. Just visiting. Code's compiling, so what else am I gonna do?"

She must look like she's about to burst, because he raises his hands, hopping down from the desk and backing away from the workspace with a chuckle.

"I can see you're busy, though. Maybe I'll go pester your team for a while. See if I can figure out which one've 'em'd be the type to spring a crazy AI out of the clink."

Allowing a shade of the irritation eating up her insides to creep into her voice, she reaches up to massage her temples.

"Don't do that. You have to know already that 'Soteria' was me."

Tate's lazy grin would put a hyena to shame.

"Sure did, Lizzy. Just wanted to hear you admit it out loud."

With a playful salute, he spins around sharply on his heel and slouches out, leaving her to her work.

[go-diane-winchester]

Somebody pointed out that in the above video, Jensen seemed a little upbeat.  Jared and Misha had swollen eyes.  In fact, Jared looked like he was going to burst into tears.  To be brutally honest, it did seem that way to me too.  Why did Jensen seem happy?  Well there may be a few logical reasons for it.  The most obvious one is that he is trying to be strong for Jared, because he did point out that Jared is barely holding it together.  However, there is a discussion that I had with another fan that came to mind.  SPN is CW's biggest show.  They will not terminate their cash cow willfully, unless they are earning ad revenues.  If the ratings are dropping, maybe that might have fueled CW's decision to end the show, which will explain why Jared is so upset.  I mean, why would Jared make a decision and then be sad about it?  One year in advance.

I don't have access to US ratings.  If someone does, fill us in.  I would like to know how the ratings are.  Oh, could you not use bogus baseball stats.  We aren't psychotic hellers.  Spare us the tomfoolery. 

Anyhoo, after the announcement, Misha started mouthing off, as he is usually does.  And he has been behaving oddly.  First he said that punching Jensen during a fight scene was a revenge fantasy that he had been harboring.  Then he fat shamed Jensen.  Where did the sudden hatred for Jensen come from?  I thought Jensen was his ''princess'', amirite?  What ever will happen to Cockles?  Now, I know that some Cockleheller fans get turned on by the thought of Cas beating up Dean, but I doubt Misha would know something so obscure.  I

mean, he never read Twist and shout.  Or so he claimed.  But the fat shaming?  How ironic though, that an ugly bastard like Misha is picking on Jensen's looks.  Jensen is beautiful.   

Then he started pushing Mishalecki like crazy, and recently confessed to nagging Dabb and Singer into bringing Rachel [the Meg demon] back on the show, wheelchair and all.  Why would he do that except to push Megstiel?  So  Mishalecki and Megstiel are high on his agenda, but no destiel is mentioned.  He is trying to kill off the ships that have become problematic for him but he is elevating mishalecki and even megstiel because?  He doesn't even seem to mind that the person who played Meg has multiple sclerosis and is confined to a wheelchair.  Gosh! what a selfish guy.  Anything to stay in the game.  Even if SPN is going to die in one year.     

Ok, here is a silly little headcanon for you.  Absolutely do not take it seriously:  The hellers became too much for Jensen to bare.  Jensen blasted at Misha in front of Jared, Singer and gang, and he complained that they are threatening his life and his reputation.  Pedowitz also noted that crazy fans actually carrying out a threat against Jensen might be detrimental to, not only Jensen but the already failing network.  A visibly pissed off Jared asked Jensen if he wanted out, and Jensen tiredly said yes.  So that is why Jensen is happy [relieved] in the video but Jared is sad but supportive.  And Misha is freaking out because who is going to hire his putrid ass now.  That is also why Misha is in revenge mode towards Jensen.  Gish and Random Acts could fall apart because of this.  Misha will lose a lot of money.  And that is what I think happened....

Nah! if that was the case, they would have just fired Misha's unnecessary ass.  He does nothing for the ratings anyway.  Why give up their two golden boys for that bloated jackass?  I mean, that is what I would do.  I would get rid of Eye-bags and keep my boys.  So until we don't fully learn about the ratings or until Jensen and Jared willfully tell us why they are calling it quits, we may never know.  But whatever their decision, then we will respect it. 

[welllpthisishappening]

Hi! So, I have a promt for u, but first a little backstory: I’m from Spain, and I remember when I worked at my parents shop and there were this bracelets everybody was CRAZY about one summer, as in every day ten people would come in asking for them, because Sara Carbonero -sports reporter and Iker Casillas, goalie for the football national team, gf - wore them. It was after Spain son the word cup in 2010. Look into them, there was a very cute kiss. So, prompt: Emma starts a trend with her laces?

Hey, hi, hello there! This has been sitting in my inbox for a millennia and I am so, so sorry for that. I am also so, so sorry because this is not exactly the prompt you asked for. There are laces involved and some dad!Killian feels and, like, New Year’s Eve somehow? It’s a mess of fluff, honestly. 

Anyway, 2018 has been some kind of something for just about everyone and I can’t say I’m not excited to see it go. I’ve spent a lot of time stress-writing fic, particularly, hockey fic and I know that there are other hockey stories out there and other Rangers stories out there, but it genuinely warms the cockles of my entire soul that you guys continue to have thoughts and feelings about these Rangers and this ridiculous hockey team. This is (clearly) my favorite ‘verse to write in and it’s kind of my spot to write when everything else is nonsense. 

It is a joy to write these stories and a thrill that anyone wants to read them. I wish you guys nothing but the absolute best in 2019 and maybe the Rangers can keep winning in regulation. 

“Hit him, hit him, hit him.”

Killian leaned back, resting his head against the door as it closed behind him and the voice on the other side of the apartment was barely audible. It was, however, fairly determined.

Or as determined as a voice could be when, presumably, watching a replay of the game he’d finished playing in a few hours before.

“C’mon, hit him,” Emma hissed, and he liked to imagine that there was some hand flailing going on as well. Of course, he’d be able to confirm that if he moved, but every single inch of him was sore and tired and he had, in fact, played a hockey game a few hours before. “Oh my God,” Emma continued, a thump that might have been most of her body weight dropping back onto the couch. She’d been pacing.

Killian moved.

The floor creaked underneath him, toeing out of his shoes and kicking his equipment bag further into the corner. He didn’t take his jacket off.

And Emma was slumped in the middle of the couch, hair splayed out behind her and a distinct lack of pants on.

He felt his eyes bug.

She didn’t stop watching the game.

“Why do you not know how to get the puck out of the zone?”

Killian tilted his head. “Me specifically?”

“You in the general sense of the entire New York Rangers franchise,” she amended. “But mostly Phillip. Especially Phillip—God, get it out.”

“They don’t score here, you know.”

“Hey, c’mon, don’t spoil it.”

He scoffed, loosening the tie around his neck and glancing at the rather impressive arrangement of only recently-built baby furniture in the corner of the room. “Sleeping,” Emma mumbled, answering a question he hadn’t asked. “Only just. Which is why I don’t want you to spoil the game for me. We didn’t see, well, much of any of it, honestly.”

“Wasn’t interested in watching in real time, huh?”

Emma made a noise – not quite dismissive, but slightly exhausted and it may have had more to do with the Rangers inability to clear the puck in the opening minutes of the first period than the sleeping habits of Margaret. Who, it seemed, in her first few days of existence was bound and determined to drive both of her parents crazy.

And, maybe, terrify them just a bit. That may have just been Killian. Because he’d been the one who’d spent most of the night pacing in a hospital hallway and they’d only just gotten back from D.C. and he wasn’t sure he’d taken a deep breath the entire time, several medical terms bouncing between his ears and around his heart and—

“Shoot!”

His eyes flickered back towards the screen, the puck on his stick and he didn’t shoot. Emma mumbled several rather impressive curses under her breath.

“Where did you expect me to shoot there?” Killian asked, and Emma rolled her eyes. And shrugged. And made that noise again.

“I really have no idea,” she admitted, nodding towards the few inches of space to her left. And it only took a moment for the metaphorical light bulb to go off over her head, a few blinks and a quirk of her lips that never failed to make his heart sputter just a bit against his rib cage and it was fine.

She was fine.

Margaret was fine.

They were fine.

It was New Year’s Eve. He wasn’t sure how that factored into it, but he was certain it had to mean something good.

They’d won the game.

Killian didn’t say that. Spoilers or something.

“You don’t have to watch this, love,” Killian said, another laugh when Emma mumbled something that sounded distinctly like take your coat off, God under her breath. He nudged her up slightly with his shoulder, shifting until he was almost comfortable and he wasn’t really surprised when she curled against his side, head on his thigh and arm draped across him.

He let his fingers move through her hair. She sighed.

“I want to. I’m just—when’s the last time I showered?”

It would have been absolutely impossible to kiss her – a ridiculous twist of his body that would have infuriated Ariel when it inevitably did something drastic to his back, but Killian made an effort and Emma burrowed further against him, a solid weight of warmth and certainty and fine that he kept reminding himself of.

Even when he was on the ice.

Maybe that’s why he hadn’t taken the shot.

“You can do that now, Swan,” Killian muttered, fingers still moving as his gaze darted from the game to the somehow-still sleeping infant on the other side of the room. “I promise I’ll be able to tell you what happened in the game.”

She laughed softly, the sound pressed into his pants and, like, his entire soul. He knew he couldn’t actually feel her smile, but it was comforting to imagine, particularly when Emma tugged her legs up under her, a bundle of limbs and that distinct lack of pants.

“How’d you get out of post?”

“Where are your pants?”

“I promise, your story is way more interesting,” Emma said, and he could hear the smile. “Seriously though, did Phillip just—forget how to pass?”

“Arthur broke a whiteboard on that one.”

“Maybe you’re too fast, honestly.”

“I think that’s a compliment,” Killian pointed out. “Don’t put pants on, ok?”

Her answering laugh had a distinct air of exhaustion to it, but there was a hint of something that may have been happiness and two kids and he did eventually take a shot that went into the back of the net. He kind of wanted to watch Emma watch that.

What a weirdo.

Margaret made a noise in the crib – both Killian and Emma’s head snapping towards the sound. He dug his teeth into his lip, barely daring to blink, let alone breathe and—

“Nothing,” Emma mumbled after five seconds that felt like five impossibly long lifetimes. “You going to answer the question though?”

“About Phillip’s inability to pass in the neutral zone?”

“And the board work. God, tell Arthur to practice that tomorrow. There are drills for that, right?”

Killian nodded. “Several thousand, I’d imagine. Was that honestly the question?”

“How’d you get out of post?”

“I did not totally get out of post,” he said, clicking his tongue when Scarlet was whistled for slashing. “They score here.”

Emma groaned. “Oh my God. What did we say about spoilers?”

“I’m really not sure you’re going to make it to the end of the game, Swan.”

“You doing are an absolutely horrible job of deflecting this conversation, you know. I’m going to tell Rubes.”

“I think she’s a little preoccupied with some other things.”

Emma lifted her head, an awkward twist to her neck that Killian would have mentioned if he wasn’t admittedly distracted by the pull of her eyebrows and whatever she was doing with her mouth. Twisting it or something. It was probably because of the pants thing, honestly. And the baby. He was a mess of human emotions and feelings and come-from-behind victories.

And blowing off post.

Kind of.

“Did Ruby sneak you out of post?”

“There was no sneaking involved,” Killian promised, groaning softly when Emma swung her legs over his. She kissed his cheek. “Ask Lucas. We just walked out.”

“Sticking it to the system and the NHL’s player policy, huh? Did you see Mattie?”

“That was part of the reason for leaving.”

“Ah, you can’t say stuff like that, I’m definitely still all hormonal.”

“I mean if you’re going to swoon over my paternal tendencies, I’m not going to stop you.”

“Did he go in the locker room?”

“Nearly ran me over to get in there,” Killian grinned, and it was easier to press a kiss to her temple now. “Told me I played really fast—“

“—I told you!”

Killian hummed. “Wait until the second period,” he murmured against Emma’s hair, laughing slightly when she swore again. “Anyway, he ran me over, nearly broke several sticks, charmed the whole place and presumably left with Locksley, according to the plan.”

“Presumably.”

“I’d imagine it took some time to get out of there. He had several thoughts about Phillip as well. Although yours are a little more coarse, love.”

“Yeah, well, if the three-year-old starts swearing in Norwegian, we might have bigger problems on our hands than whatever fine you’re going to get.”

“I’m not going to get fined.”

“No?”

Killian shook his head. “Lucas was certain it’d work. Plus, I didn’t even score the game-winner.”

“The spoilers,” Emma growled, swatting at his chest and scrunching her nose when he wrapped his fingers around her wrist. She exhaled when he kissed her knuckles, quick presses of his lips across the back of her hand and towards her wrist and that was part of the reason too.

Her very bare wrist.

“It’s almost the second period,” Killian reasoned, nodding back towards the TV.

“There are ten minutes left in the first.”

He groaned when Emma dug the hell of her hand into his stomach again, snapping up as soon as the announcer’s voices picked up and it was ridiculous. The whole goddamn thing – because there was a three-year-old with incredibly pointed hockey opinions and a baby that he’d been calling Peggy when they were by themselves and he’d been so goddamn nervous, terrified, a pacing, frustrated mess who’d only sat down because Regina had told him, somewhere in the realm of four in the morning, that he was going to do permanent damage to both of your hamstrings. But there had been so many machines and everything kept beeping and—

“Hey,” Emma muttered, tugging lightly on the tie he’d forgotten he was still wearing. “What just happened?”

“What?”

“You got all distant. Were you also thinking about how shitty Phillip is playing in this game.”

“No.”

“Oh, that was a much quicker objection than I was expecting,” Emma said, one side of her mouth tilting up into something that was almost a smile. It probably would have been if the bags under her eyes weren’t quite so obvious and there wasn’t still a slight tinge to her skin, not quite grey, but not quite flushed and Killian pressed his lips to her forehead before he considered all the reasons he didn’t have to.

“I really love that you think that,” Killian mumbled. He didn’t move his head. He was totally going to keep calling the baby Peggy.

“Think what? Are you speaking in tongues? Because I really can’t remember when I showered last and the pants thing was this whole disaster, so it’s not—“

“You really don’t have to put pants back on.”

It was a real smile that time. “Noted. What do you love? And seriously why did you walk out of post?”

“You.”

He hadn’t meant for it to sound quite like a promise or a pledge or several thousand statements on the record that would spark several more thousand internet clicks, but that’s what it was and what it always had been and Emma’s tongue darted between her lips.

“Always,” Killian added softly, brushing his thumb over the curve of her jaw. “And on both fronts. I, well—it’s a little late, but…”

It wasn’t easy to shift both of them – exhaustion and post-game bumps and bruises, but Emma moved as soon as she realized what was going on, a hint of curiosity in the pinch between her eyebrows. “We were kind of busy around Christmas,” he added, tugging the laces out of his pocket and Emma might have gasped.

Her hand flew to her mouth, so it was kind of hard to tell.

“No way,” Emma mumbled into her palm, and Killian had to blink so he didn’t feel as if every single human emotion he was currently feeling overwhelmed him entirely. “Oh that is so…stupid.”

Killian’s whole body moved when he laughed, loud enough that his eyes darted towards the crib again. Nothing. “Stupid?” he echoed, Emma nodding before he’d even finished the word.

“So stupid. It’s—I can’t believe…no, that’s totally a lie. I knew you were going to do it, as soon as Mattie broke the last ones.”

“That’s kind of disappointing, honestly. I don’t want my game to be so one-dimensional.”

“Far too confident in your own humor.”

“That was funny, Swan, admit it,” Killian said, nosing at her cheek until he felt the end of her lips tick up. “And I didn’t really think about it after Mattie broke ‘em.”

“No?”

“No.”

It had been an accident – a few months before and a very enthusiastic kid who was very excited at the prospect of camp and trying to get on the ice and Emma had lunged, doing her best to keep him off that very same ice when there was an actual practice going on and the second pair of laces snapped in rather dramatic fashion in Tarrytown.

She’d promised there was some kind of relationship irony to that.

But then there’d been a season and Emma had been pregnant and there’d been games and skates and the thought of replacing laces hadn’t even occurred to Killian until he was pacing out a small semicircle in a hospital room, a dozing infant in his arms and mumbled words falling out of his lips and he stopped as soon as he saw the distinct lack of anything on his wife’s left wrist.

So a plan was formed.

Kind of.

There were still games, after all. And a baby.

“I wanted to have it for Christmas,” Killian said, voice dropping of its own accord and the first period was over. “But that got—“

The words caught in his throat, lips suddenly dry and eyes far too wide to be healthy. Emma shifted, twisting until she had either one of her legs on the side of his hips and he refused to be held accountable for whatever sound he made as soon as her fingers moved through his hair.

He closed his eyes.

“You know you keep calling her Peggy when you think I can’t hear you.”

He smiled. “Are you stalking me, Swan?”

“Only because I’m super attracted to your paternal tendencies. It’s almost getting ridiculous.”

“Seriously, do not put pants on for the rest of the night.”

“I don’t think any of them are clean, so…”

Killian laughed, some of the inexplicable tension that had been lingering between his shoulder blades for the last ten days dissipating. He ducked his head, catching Emma’s lips with his own and it wasn’t anything more than a bit cautious and a little hopeful, but it felt like coming home and scoring the game winner and settling back into a skating rhythm that could maybe make some kind of playoff run this season.

“I really like Peggy,” Emma whispered against his mouth. “Did Rubes help you steal laces too?”

“Nah, that was all Banana.”

“Naturally. Are they from—“

“Yeah,” Killian nodded when she trailed off, and the tears on her cheeks were somehow almost, kind of, sort of nice. “It was a very impressive goal. Lots of speed up the side of the ice and a ridiculous angle.”

“You sound very confident, Cap.”

“Got me a star.”

Emma beamed. “Yeah?”

“Second, but you know it wasn’t the game-winner, so…”

“I don’t care. I—“ She took a deep breath, tongue flashing between her lips again and shoulders shifting slightly and he wasn’t really surprised by the kiss that time either. Or the way her hand cupped the side of his face, like she was trying to memorize him or keep him and he would have willingly sat there in the corner of the couch for the rest of his goddamn life.

Fines be damned.

“I love you,” Emma said, no trace of anything except honest and a slightly distracting lack of pants. She twisted again, moving her arm in between them and flipping her hand over. “And I know—well, it was kind of terrifying there for a second, huh?”

“A little.”

“A lot. I…I know if I try and apologize you’re going to tell me—“

“—You don’t have anything to apologize for, Swan.”

“See, this is the interrupting I was prefacing,” she grumbled, another quick kiss that left his stomach slightly knotted. “But, well, it was…God, I’m so tired, I can’t come up with another word except terrifying. I just—I knew, I hoped it would be fine and I was fairly confident in modern medicine, but I started thinking about not being here for you and the kids and—“

Emma sighed again, more tears and lips pressed together tightly. “I love you,” she shrugged, as if that weren’t the single most important sentence the world. “And that angle is ridiculous. It’s…I don’t even understand how it works.”

“I’m a very talented hockey player.”

“And a really, really good dad.”

“I hope.”

“I know,” Emma promised, wiggling her fingers. “Plus, it’s stupid attractive when you score.”

“That so?”

“Like every single time. It’s good Peggy’s asleep, I don’t want to scar her for life this early.”

“She’ll get used to it.”

Killian didn’t mention that Emma used the nickname either, but the glint in her eye made it almost too obvious she knew. “That’s definitely the right approach,” she laughed. “You going to give me my laces or, like, what’s your plan here?”

He slid the laces on her wrist.

And Emma did, actually, see the goal, mumbling ridiculously fast against him as soon as he crossed the blue line, but it only took a few more moments for her eyelashes to flutter and her breathing to even out and Killian tried not to wake her when Peggy fussed midway through the third period – a few minutes before midnight.

“Hey little love,” he whispered, pulling her out of the crib and rocking back and forth, a quiet rhythm that felt a little bit like being back in skates. “You missed the goal, you know. That’s ok. We’ll get some more later this week.”

She didn’t answer, just squirmed against him and twisted towards the TV and that was hardly playing fair.

“Yeah,” Killian continued. “Tie game. It’s gets very dramatic at the end.”

More squirming. And blinking. And a rather impressive attempt to yank on his shirt.

“C’mon, let’s at least be comfortable when Phillip makes up for all those turnovers from before.”

And Killian barely noticed the clock ticking past midnight, far too preoccupied with the baby in his arms and the feeling in his chest and Peggy did, eventually, stop squirming – enough for a few more moments of sleep that ensured neither one of them saw the game-winner.

They watched it in the morning, Emma’s hair still damp from the shower and the laces on her wrist sticking to her skin.

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hi, I'm new to this fandom. I'm cockles fan. What is tinhat?

Hi Nonnie,

First off, welcome! We are happy to have you in the fandom and also here in the dumpster mansion. I’m sure that there are plenty of fandom glossaries etc. that would be happy to give a history of the term’s origins and how its use has changed etc. but I can just tell you how I use it. The notion of a tinhat comes from the convention/joke that conspiracy theorists wear tinfoil hats (either to communicate with aliens or to keep the government out of their head or something…it probably varies depending on your individual conspiracy theorist). The wearer of a tinfoil hat in media/TV is likely to remind you of this guy:

It’s media shorthand for a mentally unstable conspiracy nut who thinks they have access to truth that regular folks don’t (WAKE UP SHEEPLE!).

So, that’s a tinhatter in general. When used in fandom, it’s It’s a term mostly associated with real person ships (RPS…and when they are made into real person fiction, RPF) because they tend to encourage the kind of “I see the real truth!” attitude a little more than fiction, which is deliberately constructed and can be read for subtext that someone has designed. (I’m sure they get used about people that ship fictional characters too though.)

The way the term is used can vary. If used by the person doing the postulating–which is how I use it–it’s kind of self-depreciating and also serves as a disclaimer: “I know how crazy I sound here so if you want to ignore me I totally understand.” If other people use it about you, it turns into an insult, although that’s maybe not universally true. Personally, I distinguish between being a shipper (or fan) and being a tinhat. When I blog about Jensen making a ridiculously sappy face at Misha (which happens a minimum of once a week) I don’t consider that tinhatting because it involves basically no theorizing. He made a doofy face and I point at it and flail. That’s real person shipping (for me).

Once you start conjecturing about the most probable reason behind face-making or clothes-sharing or whatever, then you are getting into tinhatting. It’s a fine line, because I feel that you can (for example) write meta about body language and not be a tinhatter because you’re saying: “Here’s what I see happening” but not “and from that we conclude that they have a secret love nest on set” or “Misha is the baby daddy.” The edges are fuzzy and, for me, have to do with whether you’re making an argumentative claim. “This looks like outrageous flirting to me” doesn’t meet the tinhat threshold. But a post like mine about JIB 7 and how (I think) they fucked right before the panel 100% does. So when I tag for tinhatting here it means that I feel I have ventured away from the realm of observation and idle speculation into making an argument based on conjecture and deductions that have very little real-world evidence.

Other people may use it differently, especially if they think that all real-person shippers are also tinhats. And not all tinhats are created equal, imo. I can give you my personal take on what this looks like in our fandom, but the fact that it’s my personal take means that it is biased and more sympathetic to Cockles. Within our particular fandom, there are the J2 tinhats and the Cockles tinhats. I would say they are “warring” except that, tbh, I don’t see Cockles people fighting with anyone very often. It’s more like when my aunt’s chihuahua used to bite and snap at her Labrador and the lab would just be all good-natured like “Huh? What is even happening?” as the chihuahua got more pissed off. (Again, that’s how it looks to me.) 

I’ve only accidentally encountered J2 content so I can speak super generally, but J2 tinhats tend to believe that their wives are “beards” enabling them to maintain a secret relationship that’s been going since the start of the show. I’ve seen some stuff suggesting that the pregnancies were somehow “fake” and/or at least didn’t involve actual sex (because no one can see those kids and not know they are related to their daddies, ffs) but I’m going to guess that’s pretty “fringe” behavior even in that group. The J2 tinhats are the ones who send the most hate to the wives. Like, it is vile, vile shit. You can find it pretty easily on any of Danneel and Gen’s social media posts (and often on Jared and Jensen’s too). There’s probably (unfortunately) another subset of people sending hate to the wives too who just wish J2 were single so they could indulge some kind of fantasy about dating them (which–guess what!–you can anyway! it’s a fantasy!). But J2 tinhats definitely do hate on their wives, looking for examples of how much J2 don’t love them and how they are in fact each other’s life partners though not ok with being Out about it for PR reasons.

Oh right, and the craziest J2 tinhat theory I ever saw was that Misha is actually a beard (meard, to be exact) to distract from how much Jensen loves Jared. I am not sure how that helps the J2 case, but at least it means they aren’t blind to those hearteyes Jen and Mish exchange. Honestly, there are probably some very nice J2 shippers who do not hate their wives and who think, like Cockles shippers do, that it can all be one happy non-monogamous party. They probably maintain quiet blogs that squee over hugs and head rubs or whatever. They don’t go on Twitter and scream about stuff. But that means I also don’t know that they are out there and that it feels much more like they’re the exception rather than the norm. I’m also not sure the extent to which J2 believers overlap with Wincest shippers or bronlies…probably a lot? This isn’t my area of expertise though.

The norm for Cockles tinhats, in my (fairly extensive) experience is that everyone believes that everything is done consensually and without angst; they love the wives and assume that, even if they’re not actively involved, they fully sanction (and perhaps even instigated) Misha and Jensen’s relationship. They think that they spend some family vacations together (which was confirmed) and that that means they are kind of raising them together. Essentially, the most extreme tinhatty end of Cockles shipping is still best described as “poly bliss” in which everyone is informed and consenting and full of love. I am not sure I’ve seen anyone pro-Cockles suggesting that Vicki and Danneel are beards, though again it may happen in a small and quieter minority. 

I could go on even longer about why I feel like tinhatting Cockles is less of a reach than tinhatting J2, but essentially it just comes down to the fact that a) Misha and Vicki have a marriage that has included a third serious partner before (in addition to including multiple people in bed) but I’ve never heard anything like that about Jared and b) the suggested scenario where the wives are involved and everyone is happy about it seems like it could actually be emotionally sustainable where what is suggested for J2 doesn’t.

I know that’s a longer answer than maybe you were expecting or wanted, but I have been thinking about tinhatting vs. shipping a lot recently so I thought I’d share those reflections. Again, though, this is my interpretation of the term and my way of using it so YMMV. Either way, welcome to the party!

[breaking-up-with-cockles]

Tinhatting Cockles like a Boss - like a G0$$ B0$$

So Misha did a livestream for his death2normalcy Valentine’s Day sale yesterday, and as a cockles tinhat, I think I would be remiss if I did not consider that Jensen is somehow involved. I will even go one step further and postulate that Misha was lying when he said the screaming came from one of the grandmothers. 

Ok so first of all I think that this D2N Valentine’s Day sale is about Jensen because yeah I’ma crazy tinhat but it’s freaking Valentines. But also because I think Misha and Jensen disagree when it comes to keeping their relationship secret. This might seem random but bear with me. At SPNHON (when they were broken up blah blah blah), the last question of the cockles panel was about gishwhes and after Misha tells the story about Jensen finding his skittles portrait, he pivots to another skittles portrait story that I don’t think Misha has ever told before:

So that year, this friend of mine actually was on a gishwhes team and he made a Jensen - he never watched supernatural he had no idea - but he made a Jensen Ackles’ mosaic portrait in Skittles and he was like “I’m certainly not gonna hang this up in my place so I thought you should have it” and I was like “oh thanks” and I stuck it in the closet. And then Vicki was like -a few months later she was like , “We have to get rid of that Jensen Skittle thing because rats are eating the candies off of it and it’s attracting rats.”

Ok I think I need to post a video because imo it looks like the story was fabricated by Misha in an effort to hurt Jensen while making a point and that’s important. When you’re angry and in a high emotional state, you are gonna say shit that’s true and shit that hurts. And yeah I know most cockles shippers think this was a great panel, but nah. Misha’s story starts at 34:16. If you watch before or after this part when the band comes on stage, you can see how teary eyed both Misha and Jensen are. Especially Misha doing everything he could to keep the emotion from escalating. Honestly, I don’t see how people can see this panel and think that they were in a good place. It’s painful.

Anyways, so this is all about The Closet™. Yep, that closet. Because Jensen wants their relationship to stay secret and while in the closet, they can’t openly be as affectionate as they would probably like, which means that it’s easier for people to think Misha is available which gives him more opportunity to stray since not everyone is aware of their relationship. I’m not blaming Jensen or giving Misha an excuse, I’m just reasoning that the more temptation there is, the harder it is to resist. So I think one thing that maybe Misha is saying, is that because Jensen is in the closet, he is gonna attract cheating rats like Misha. He could also be saying that because Jensen wants to stay closeted, Misha (and Vicki?) think they should toss Jensen and break up because they only get the little bits of Jensen anyways rather than the whole guy. So maybe this was like a retaliatory breakup for Misha, if true. One of those “you can’t break up with me! I’m breaking up with you!”. So I think this closet conversation is possibly a point of contention for them. This closet thing from SPNHON came back to me because of the D2N email they sent out a week ago.

The closet in Hawaii had some serious negative connotation, but the way that Misha is using it here, is diametrically different. Here with D2N, the closet is associated with 7 minutes, which was probably intended to remind us of that teenage party game where two people make-out in a closet for 7 minutes. The game is called 7 Minutes in Heaven. Cute and relevant. And since this is set to go down on Valentine’s day, then almost certainly Misha wanted us to think of sexy closet time.  But with Valentine’s I also think of cupids, which reminds me of angels, which reminds me of heaven. Cool. 7 Minutes of Heaven. Just kidding, I thought cupi-Cas, which reminds me of Cas’s original personal heaven from season 9, a room full of pics of naked Deans. Maybe this is Misha’s personal heaven too. Being a in a closet with naked Dean/Jensen. 

But then Misha throws me when he keeps reiterating in the D2N video and on twitter that “loving someone means letting go” and “when you love something, set it free”. Oh god is this another cockles breakup.Of course my negative filter, thinks he’s talking about letting Jensen go but would he do that on Valentine’s Day? Maybe. Misha is pretty twisted but I don’t think he is cruel. Plus, I have seen what broken-hearted Jensen and Misha look like and how they behave, particularly when their relationship has blown up, and I just don’t see the Misha from his D2N video as the lovelorn one from late last year. But I could be wrong.

However, even though my default is to go negative, I am actually more hopeful. The dreamer in me is hoping that this whole D2N thing was making way for Jensen and Misha to say goodbye to the closet and for them to finally be open with their love. Death to the closet. Death to normalcy. Hello motto. Hello to polyamory. That would be freaking amazing but yeah that’s definitely not gonna happen (yet). And I don’t really need or care if they’re public with their relationship, but I don’t want my babies fighting. I actually wonder if maybe that’s where gishwhes was gonna go this year till Misha blew it. Like it was gonna be some elaborate coming out celebration/scavenger hunt, but since they broke up, they had to call off that plan and Misha decided to go ahead and stick with the same tried and true gishwhes formula. Oh man, I wish. But the truth is, I don’t think Jensen and Misha are gonna come out on Valentines Day but I will be more shocked if this D2N thing is about a breakup rather than if its some next level flirting on Misha’s part. I mean c’mon! He is selling a mixtape. 

So that was crazy the first. Crazy the second is that I’m not actually convinced that it was a grandmother at Misha’s door. I have no real proof for this (as if I ever do) except that when Danneel posted ❤🌏🌚🌏 in response to one of Misha’s instagrams on saturday the 10th, my eighth thought was that she meant “see you in two days”. The little moon guy signifies night and the rotation of the earth. So when Misha had visitors at his house that he was desperately hiding from us, in my crazy tinhat head, it was the Ackles family and everything was all coming together. Here is Misha’s D2N video.

Here is my stellar logic though. Yes, it could have been a grandmother but he has already introduced us to both of them. We met Vicki’s mom in Hawaii and Misha has never been too shy with showing off his parents. I think he had a a gishwhes meet-up in Bellingham for his mother’s bday in 2016 where tons of fans socialized with her. It just doesn’t make sense to me that he would suddenly want to exclude them (unless they asked for that which is a possibility) when he films pretty much anyone that is there. But this is flawed because i have no idea if he asks permission from the people and the parents of everyone he films beforehand. But no doubt, both Misha’s and Vicki’s respective mothers know Misha well enough to know he’s quirky and he records a lot of videos. Ok I admit this is a weak argument. But what about Misha’s reaction when his wind-chime/doorbell rang, before the screaming even began? Why would he frantically run upstairs away from his mom or MIL? I mean, Misha booked it, two steps at a time. 

And then there was that weird thing he said after he ran upstairs and closed the door.  He said:

What else do I need to tell you. I mean that may be it. It’s valentines day. They say -  I mean really that’s the problem with live video. Someone walks through the front door and starts screaming and it’s all - it’s captured for everyone to see. Something terrible is gonna happen eventually.

But how is having one of the mothers/grandmother’s accidentally walk in on a live video terrible? How many times have we seen glimpses or flashes of people that we have known and not known in his videos? Would he define those as something terrible? Considering he hasn’t, probably not. However, even though I have begged and prayed for a revealing accidental cockles moment in one of Misha’s videos, as amazing and life-saving as that would be for me and for the world, I can see how that could be “something terrible” for Misha and Jensen and maybe even their families. But imo family time with a shrieking grandmother does not compare to "something terrible”. It is actually a rather odd, harmless time for Misha to suddenly realize the risks of livestreaming. He has streamed dozens of live videos of his family, one where someone even farted. These are not uncommon occurrences for him yet we are supposed to believe that this ordinary standard loud family gathering with grandma is the eye-opening incident that shines a light on the hazards of livestreaming that he never considered before. Sure, Jan. The incongruity or just plain absurdity of his grandmothers visit warranting a “something terrible” is so weird and it makes it suspicious for some kind of deception. 

Plus Misha was way too urgent and nervous when he ran upstairs. He definitely did not want us to see who his visitors were. He was also talking and stomping on the stairs while his visitors were loudly greeting each other in the background. He definitely did not want us to hear who his visitors were. Now this is my favorite part. Even though he was hiding us or his visitors, he was having a good time doing it but I don't think he wanted us to know that. He was trying not to smile. He was suppressing smiles when he was running up the stairs and for a lot of the second half of the video but especially when discussing the dangers of live streaming. The suppressed smile on the stairs actually makes sense because it could have been because he was probably happy and excited about seeing his visitors and/or finding humor in the whole ridiculous situation. It could be for other various reasons, including the one I am about to talk about, but you can’t be sure because the loud women were legitimately funny, thus smiling is an appropriate display. But the smile that he tried to suppress that slipped out in his “something terrible” speech was a different kind of suppressed smile. I believe he was displaying something known in the nonverbal world as duping delight.

Duping delight is when a smile leaks out when we fool or dupe someone with a lie, partial truth or when we are withholding information, like a secret. Some people subconsciously or semi-consciously occasionally take delight in such a ruse and obviously a suppressed smile is indicative of that pleasure and thrill they experience in tricking others or in doing some other act of deception. But this smile has to be out of place and inappropriate and since there was nothing else going on that would normally produce a smile (like the loud ladies), and because he did display a cluster of other deceptive body signals along with his duping delight, I really do think he was delighting in his clever deceptions. But was he all that successful? Because as hard as Misha tried not to show his joy in deceiving us, he just couldn’t completely shut it down. But that’s understandable if it were actually “something terrible” as Jensen and his brood that he was trying to keep secret. I would be delighting so fucking much in that dupe, too, if I were that lucky. 

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

okay so i’ve been going crazy these past few days. all about cockles/jensmish and obsessively watching their panels or reading the transcripts BECAUSE. THEY ARE LOUD. LIKE. i saw some fancams on twt and i thought people were just exaggerating but noooooooooo!!!???? so, getting to the point. you said that how do we know that jensen is performing masculinity? because jared isn’t and THAT IS A BIG BRAIN MOMENT. ON POINT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. a particular moment from gag reel that jumps out (which you’ve talked about) when jensen goes ‘cas, you are my baby daddy’ and misha goes, ‘i know i love you too’ and jensen goes, ‘i didn’t say i love you’ and misha goes, ‘i know you wanted to’ and jensen says, ‘i love you’ WHAT THE FUCK! that was NOT a joke. yes, people took it as a joke and had a good laugh BUT I HAVE WATCHED IT TOO MANY TIMES AND IT LIVES IN MY MIND RENT FREE BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A PERFORMANCE. THAT WAS JENSEN. THAT WAS MISHA. jensen has a had trouble with the pda and being all touch feely (the breakup theory) and he gradually grew into it, accepted it and misha was right there all along, never pushed it. it was like a deancas au but tbh, 99% of destiel is because of cockles and we all know it. i just. jensen has latched onto dean as an emotional support because he tunes with it. understands it. projects on to it. yeah, i just had to say it and get it off my chest. (and what about those poetry pages on instagram? alma? what is your opinion?) btw, you have a lovely blog and your analysis are right on target.

so there is a LOT i���m going to address here(how dare you bring up [gunshot] i HAVE to talk about it now) so again!!!! under a cut it goes but i hope you appreciate my rambles anon it seems like you do :,)

1. jared vs. jensen and performing masculinity. hell yeah man. jared and jensen are both just ‘guys from texas’ but they are still so vastly different. today i actually had a revelation that i’m pretty sure has to do with me being bi. and it’s that i have a group of straight friends(that i love dearly but they care too much about hockey and pitbull imo could not be me) and i have a group of queer friends(who are also batshit[affectionate]). and it’s like whichever group i hang out with a different side of me emerges? they’re both me, it’s just that certain aspects of who i am as a person only surface depending on who i am around. however, i will say i feel like i watch what i say around my straight friends more. i see that very clearly in jensen as well. around jared during panels and on set, he’s definitely putting on an air of machismo and engages in typical guy talk. i do think an element of it is performative, because he wants validation from jared that they’re still just two dudes from texas taking on the world together despite his sexual identity. does that make any sense??? i hope so. but when he’s with misha he is an entirely different person and his sense of humour becomes wildly different. the machismo fades away, he’s way less caught up in what people think about him, lets his guard down, etc. to go back to my original point which is how j2 are different in that regard....jared does not do this. he is a constant. he does not flip a switch between ‘performing masculinity’ and ‘not’ because he isn’t performing any part of who he is. he just IS. so yeah these two are similar in many regards but there’s somewhat of a dissonance between them when it comes to how they perform masculinity because one of them is putting on a show and the other is merely being.

2. that crypt scene blooper(here just in case you need to see it again. do it. as a treat.) when i tell you i have easily seen this over thirty times??? since it first came out??? i mean it. it is such an overlooked(r*mantic) moment and it means so much more than people think it does. i’ve talked about the context behind it, and i think that’s why this blooper was so meaningful, so i’ll mention it again. jensen and misha had a LOT of trouble with this scene. the reason is that jensen couldn’t wrap his head around why dean would be saying these things, if i remember correctly, and both of them sat down and scoured over how they should play it for a while before filming(teamwork ;) teammates *ahem*). [to be honest we all know why jensen had a hard time with that scene and it is because it is blatantly romantic. rip to him but i would simply give in to it at that point but oh well] so anyway, their heads were scattered going into shooting, which is NEVER a good headspace to be in for a scene, ESPECIALLY not a pivotal one. but they had each other to help them through said weird energy on set that couldn’t possibly have invoked the best feelings, especially considering jensen STILL doesn’t think he played that correctly(but he praised misha on his performance :,) ). and with that context every single part of that video hits haRD 

-’stop pulling my face towards your crotch’ i think this is objectively hilarious because it really really looks like jensen is pulling HIMSELF towards misha’s crotch. again, you’re fooling no one, jensen. misha’s wheezing laugh and the way he wraps himself around jensen is also,,,sweet??? like i don’t know how else to describe how i see it but this moment really reads as jensen, in his weird ‘constructing elaborate rituals’ way is asking for security through a physical touch from misha and he happily obliges and gives jensen what he needs. because i mean...watch it again. jensen ‘fights back’, but not really at all, actually. pretty wimpy counterattack. he literally lets himself be smothered by misha, and i would literally describe what they end up doing as cuddling. 

-’i need you, cas. you’re my baby daddy’ i love having an actor’s perspective on things bc i think i can explain what’s going on here. jensen just delivered what was(in his own mind) a rotten take of the lines he’s most scared of delivering. so the scene was already messed up. therefore; ensuing fuckery is warranted to help him feel better. but there’s also for sure more than meets the eye for what he says here because of misha’s reaction after??? like he seemed genuinely touched. first of all, he’s saying ‘you’re my baby daddy’ as half-jensen, but not necessarily dean either(because he didn’t say the previous lines as true to his character...you get it), to misha, not cas. i think i’ve made this point before, but every single innuendo in the gag reels is to misha specifically, never once cas. therefore; logical conclusion: ‘you’re my baby daddy’ was for misha and it meant something deeper than we think because of what follows it

-this part. jensen’s giddy ass smile after he sees misha crack and then misha says ‘yeah, i know’ (can i just say his voice when he says this is so intimate???? like am i intruding guys??? sorry i’ll let myself out) also he is smiling SO BIG

- ‘i know’ ‘why are you laughing?’ ‘no i know i love you too’ this analysis is already so long but i still want to get into what THAT whole exchange means. ‘why are you laughing?’ to me sounds like jensen’s pretending to be affronted by misha laughing at something that is serious. and it’s serious because he quite literally meant ‘i love you’. he did. misha knows it. misha’s really REALLY good at cutting the bs and just getting to what people are actually trying to say. he has an innate sharpness to his sense of humour. so yes, misha is being 100% accurate when he says ‘i know, but you wanted to say it.’ misha isn’t lying here. jensen did want and mean to say ‘i love you’. and then he actually does say it(in a jokey way but not really). 

- so yeah. it is actually so romantic??? like in a weird way jensen was professing his love for misha here?????? and that’s why this clip will NEVER. ever. get old. 

3. jensen having trouble with pda and projecting onto dean: we can all call ourselves dean coded cas girls but NO one deserves that title more than jensen ackles himself. he is dean winchester but marginally less repressed because he actually did admit he was in love with his best friend and let himself be happy, and pretty early on too. one year and two months as opposed to twelve years. so. happy deancas au is correct. and yes about the pda thing: one day i want to write my own post about both of their body language when it comes to each other, but all i can tell is jensen, even in the early days, couldn’t help himself from flirting with misha, but if misha ever crossed a line, jensen would not be happy. clearly he’s come around, however. what i find sweet is that misha always follows jensen’s lead when it comes to how much affection they’re allowed to show each other onstage. it touches my soul

4. destiel is cockles fault. yeah. and the thing is everyone knows it, too. even non-cockles shippers will explain early destiel as entirely dependant on jensen and misha’s wild chemistry. and that chemistry is easily explained by the fact that misha and jensen are literally just wildly horny bisexuals who were crazily attracted to one another and were falling in love on screen before our very eyes. and when you have THAT insider info(which sounds cray doesn’t it!!!! the destiel actors are in love irl??? huh???) everything really does click into place. why destiel got SO popular when the show and actors never ever intended for it to happen.(i know some people think misha was playing cas as gay the whole time for shits and giggles, and i won’t deny that[especially considering he found out early on that destiel was why he was staying on the show], but i don’t think he really wanted it to amount to anything, nor did he care??? i mean he has the real thing with jensen, for one, so their characters aren’t really as important. for two, he loves joking about destiel because it’s a cultural phenomenon and it’s fascinating, and i’m sure he did ship it because he’s unhinged, but i don’t think it was vastly important to him either way.) destiel got popular because everyone was and is unintentionally reading into the real deal. i could pull up countless gifs that people have used as destiel proof that is actually just jensen and misha being messy. mainly jensen. if i’m being honest.  the symbiotic relationship between destiel and cockles is why i’ve stayed onboard the destielcule and shellerscape for three solid months now; because it is utterly fascinating to witness and kind of super beautiful, too. 

5. alma(and others). so. i do NOT want to really REALLY get into this in its entirety here and now so i will just give you my opinion on if i think alma is misha or not. also; i don’t want to mention the other poetry accounts here bc i feel like that’s a bigger breach in privacy, but a lot of people do know about alma now. way too many, actually. this is why we can’t have nice things. anyway-to answer your question-there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that yes, misha is running that alma poetry account. i am 100% certain. some people think it’s actually three people and they’re all connected to misha in some way but that is so needlessly complicated. as it goes in psychology; the easiest explanation is probably the right one. it’s just one person running that account, and it is misha collins. i don’t know why it’s so hard to believe KNOWN POET misha collins(who is known to spend most of his free time writing poetry anyway) would have created a secret poetry account to write about his intense secret relationship under an alias and also get legitimate feedback since no one used to know it was him. oh and the handwriting is identical??? you are blind if you do not see that i am sorry. and a million other things prove it’s misha too but yeah all you need to know is yes. it’s him. it would take a literal livestream from a random woman on that account to convince me otherwise. and honestly not even that because a random woman could technically still log in if misha asked her too. so. it would take a hell of a lot to convince me otherwise, clearly. that said DO NOTTTTTTTTTTTT GO ONTO THAT ACCOUNT WITH A SUPERNATURAL RELATED USERNAME AND COMMENT THINGS THAT ARE COCKLES RELATED. ARE YOU BRAIN DEAD WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT’S OKAY. sorry i got heated but god please just don’t be dumb so many people have already gone way too far 

6. thank you for your lovely compliment on my analyses!!! i love doing them but i don’t know if people actually like reading them so i really appreciate it

[kagesdumpsterfire]

This is how my new year started off. This ask was in response to an answer I had given to a previous random ask that showed up in my inbox after being mostly inactive for the past couple of months. This was the original ask:

The blacked out section is a personal story the anon shared that i didn't feel comfortable sharing, nor did i want to blast them for it. That is their story and it is not my business to put their business out there, even if they felt comfortable enough sharing it with a stranger who could have very well done so. I may be a bitch sometimes but I'm not a heartless one. Instead I chose to answer it in a general post:

The reblogged post is their response. After I made that post their only respose was this:

Instead of doing what I wanted to do (respond in a way that was just absolutely petty and vicious) I took a breath and walked away for a while and came back to make another general post for them. I offered them a place to vent if necessary as long as they promised not to attack me personally again (the offer still stands btw anon, if you're reading this. I meant every word I said, I'm just using this to make a point.) And told them if they didn't want to take my offer then they can feel free to block me.

I'm reblogging this particular ask for 2 reasons. 1: to respond to comments, as this is just a side blog and I'm not giving the crazies on the other side a chance to find my main and bully me off of this site (AGAIN). This is my safe space (weird i know) and I dont want to lose it again.

@questionablebluebox it really is disgusting the lengths some people will go to, to besmirch someone's name. This lie in particular pisses me off because I know for a fact a lot of them haven't actually watched the video this was in, they just saw that a couple of their lead antis say something about it and took their word as law without looking up the resource for context and making objective decisions for themselves. Which, unfortunately for the entirety of the world right now, is not an uncommon practice for most people 🙄. Misha has flaws but he is no where near the monster they paint him as. He's a good dude. It's okay not to like someone without actively trying to destroy them. Like, Damn.

@spnkat I told them as much, but they didn't listen. I even provided an article on intrusive thoughts. Still didn't listen. It was most likey my fault because I took their ask personally and got riled up at the end and went off. I know better than that. I know people don't respond to anger. But I still found it incredibly frustrating that they refused to use the resources and evidence I gave them and instead chose to double down on their bias.

The second reason I'm reblogging this it to adress future anons.

I AM NOT THE ONE.

I get it, you want to defend your fave and the only way some of you even know how to do that is to tear someone else down. But look, I never said I was a Jared Anti. I just don't care for him anymore. Attacking me for not liking him is not going to make me like him again. Attacking the actors I do follow is not going to make me like him again. And I said it before, but I'll say it here too, for people who use his MHI as an excuse an awful lot , y'all really don't seem to care about the mental health of the people you go after.

I have never adressed my problems with him, to him. I dont stalk his SM, I don't even interact with it. I dont go around to his stan's blogs and call him names or make up rumors and spread them. I do not look up what he's up to, to tear it apart. In fact, the only reason I know half of what he's got going on, are anon asks on everyone's blog detailing every facet of his "Many success" while tearing Misha and Jensen to shreds. Unless he is at an event or in an interview or something with one or more of the other SPN cast memebers, I do not engage at all.

You want to "protect" Jared from the antis? Then go find them. I ain't it. If I am anti anything it's y'all. His stans. Not his fans, his stans. The people who believe he is a god among men and can do no wrong. Y'all are what I can't stand. Y'all are most of the reason I stopped following him.

If you want to talk to me like a rational human being, that's fine. I love listening to different views on things, as long as they aren't shrouded in belligerent ignorance. The human mind is absolutely fascinating to me and I actually like stepping out of my biases and seeing how others think. I am more than willing to have adult conversations. But unprompted shit like this⬆️. Nah dude.

You don't get to sit there on your high horses and act like all hellers are vile and vicious for absolutely no reason when shit like this happens everyday and has for forever. Yeah there are people on my side that are extreme but you can't sit the and act like your side is inncocent and pure. Some of y'all are insanely VILE in the way you behave. The hypocrisy is outstanding.

Basically, if I get asks that are reasonable, I will answer reasonably, but come at me with fire? I'm going to defend myself. That doesn't make me nasty, it doesn't make me stupid and it sure as hell doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. It means I value my mental health. I am learning how to value myself as a human being. Becuase behind this screen is a HUMAN FUCKING PERSON.

Some of y'all really seem to forget that. I think it's time some of y'all do a self evaluation and check your own mental health.

Thank you, and have the day you deserve.

Yikes. Nasty for excusing a pedo. The man want to a playground to leer at kids. Nothing intrusive about that.

You know what, I generally try to answer these with with a modicum of respect, but unfortunately for you nonners, I had a shit year and my "give a fuck" meter is all but broken.

So, you're still on your "Misha's a p*do" kick huh?Okay, fair. Lets play it that way. You realize that makes Jared an Jensen look REALLY BAD too right? So...

YIKES. Nasty for stanning a man who willingly worked with a known p*do for 13 years. Nasty for being a fan of men who let their children be around a known p*do unsupervised. Nasty for watching a show that had a p*do on it. Nasty for stanning a man who didn't call the cops and have a known p*do arrested for being a p*do. Nasty for stanning a man who not only worked with but also supported the side projects of a known p*do. Absolutely disgusting. They should all be imprisoned!

Because if Supernatural was so successful without Cas, they could have easily taken Misha out of the show and not have to worry about it failing. And if Jared is truly successful on his own then he wouldn't have had to worry about SPN ending if it did fail without Cas. They would at least have him removed from creation cons, they've done it with other actors before. You must also be amongst the crazy ass faction who believes that Misha has some "Big Blackmail" against the Js and thats the only reason he stayed. Except that means that the Js have blackmail worthy secrets which doesn't look good for them either. Because that means they have some big bad secret that will destroy their careers and therefore they are willing to sacrifice their morals and the SAFETY OF CHILDREN to protect those careers. Because money over morals, right? REPUTATION OVER MORALS RIGHT?!

Here's the thing, if you truly believe that Misha is a p*do then you also have to accept the fact that the Js have done absolutely nothing about it. They have done nothing to get him locked up or keep him away from children, INCLUDING THEIR OWN, meaning that they value their careers and reputaions more than the safety of children. Because a good person, a truly good person, protects children and does not give a FUCK what it costs them.

So, take your pick. Either Misha's a p*do and the Js are complicit in his actions to protect themselves over children, or y'all took a quote out of contxt and ran with it because you are obsessed with hating Misha. There is no in between.

Thank you, and you can fuck all the way off. Buhbye.

[hencethebravery]

Title: “The Spooky Truth with Dr. Jones,” (1/2)

Summary: Emma Swan is a podcaster looking for a semi-interesting story. Dr. Killian Jones is a paranormal investigator who doesn’t believe in the paranormal. Emma Swan absolutely does not want to write this story—but it seems to be writing itself. A CS Black Tapes AU.

Notes: This delightful little AU was 100% inspired by The Black Tapes, a seriously awesome fictional horror podcast that you can listen to for free. Which you should. Right now. I’d like to thank and/or notify a # of awesome people who helped with this: @seastarved @zengoalie @ofshipsandswans @abbadons-little-witch @the-reason-to-sail-home @businesscasualprincess @swanandapirate (who also wrote a podcast AU, so if you like this, you should probably check it out). Also on Ao3.

+ Honestly, the worst thing about this job is the constant threat of, “You have a face too pretty for radio,” every time she has to conduct an interview with some bland fuck-boy that the country has suddenly decided is worth her time. If not for the occasionally tedious subject matter and overeager interviewees, it would be damn near perfect.

It’s certainly odd, considering how long she’d spent trying to make herself invisible; avoiding friends and relationships in exchange for the blissful quiet of self-imposed isolation, all while maintaining her carefully constructed state of emotional constipation.

“They’re not my friends,” trying to explain to her producer, David, “they’re my subjects.”

Snorting, with an affectionate rolling of his eyes, “That’s awfully sentimental of you, Emma.”

“Except you,” her words starting to run sloppily together, resting a warm, heavy arm around his neck, “you’re a regular ��prince charming.’”

“Yeah, yeah,” brushing off the compliment but she can see it in his eyes, how much he cares, and while it still makes her vaguely uncomfortable, it’s nice knowing there’s somebody in her corner. “Let’s get you to bed, ‘princess.’”

It was supposed to be a one-off episode, part of a larger story about people and professions and why we do what we do to get by—defining ourselves through our work, that kind of thing. She had done a few episodes already; one on geo-caching, another one focusing on a lady who actually got paid to paint the claws of people’s cats. And that was when David had gently knocked on her office door and told her about a conference about the paranormal going on at the local college, and would she, maybe, like to attend?

 She had been in the midst of sorting through a rather demoralizing gallery of neon-colored cat toenails when he’d made the suggestion, so it wasn’t hard to imagine the gusto with which she flew out of her chair; oversized bag of gum, phone chargers, and pencils swung over one shoulder, her knee-length boots half-zipped up her calves, “Yeah,” she answered excitedly, “I’m on it!”

“Dr. Killian Jones is handsome,” she speaks into her dictaphone later that night, an unfamiliar vibrato of excitement painting her words, “there’s no point in denying it. I won’t have my young, impressionable female listeners hanging on his every lovely, accented word thinking this guy isn’t as good looking as he sounds.”

 She considers the, frankly, unreal color of his stupidly blue eyes and continues, “But I don’t want there to be any kind of confusion. Dr. Killian Jones is a real dick.”

The lecture hall is louder, busier, and fuller than she’s ever seen it before. She’s taken a few classes here, attended a few events, and she can say with absolute confidence that this campus has never seen such a to-do in all its many, stuffy years.

The hall is a diverse mix, but there's an unusually large amount of tittering freshmen, and she can't help but feel as if she might be missing something.

She puts that exact question to a rather excitable group of young women (and men), all of them clutching copies of the same book. It's large, hardcover, she can barely make out the thick, dramatic eyebrows of the author on the back.

“So, uh, what's with the crowd?”

A young man wearing bold, square frames and a bowtie covered in tiny ghosts answers incredulously, “How can you not know?”

 “Don't be rude, Jefferson,” interrupts a small, dark-haired brunette, her lipstick a bright, fire engine red. “Dr. Killian Jones,” she answers happily, handing Emma a copy of her book, “expert in all things fucked up and certifiably creepy.”

 Emma skims the almost revelatory reviews on the back as the girl continues, “The accent and the eyes don't hurt either.”

 “Not a damn bit,” the kid with the bowtie, Jefferson, mumbles under his breath.

 Emma releases a sigh. There's no point in being coy, she'd actually been excited about this. Turns out it's nothing more than an academic peep show.

 “You should stick around,” the girl comments carefully, her grin shrewd, “I don't think you'll regret it.

“Here’s the thing about me,” she reflects carefully, a half-empty bottle of beer dangling from her fingertips, “I’m skeptical, but I don’t begrudge people their beliefs.”

It probably has something to do with the absolutely devastating, trope-tastic childhood that she carries around with her like a brand. All those years yearning for some kind of “happily ever after,” when really it was just one bleak foster home after another, disappointment upon disappointment upon disappointment. But for a while? It was all that had kept her going.

“I would have given up otherwise,” a dry sniff, a cough that attempts to hide an unwelcome truth, “no matter how idealistic—stories… even the crazy ones, were everything.”

She pauses the recording, takes another swig of the warm beer in her hand, and pictures Killian Jones’ smug face, stiff blazer, and distinctly non-professorial jewelry. Recording.

“Asshole.”

“But what’s wrong with letting people believe what they believe…? If it brings them comfort?”

Emma’s sure this kid couldn’t look anymore nervous if she tried, the flushed cheeks and shaky hands an obvious betrayal of her adoration and fear of this guy. Sure, the deep, dulcet tones of his voice were what radio jockeys dreamed of, and yes, maybe the black stud in his ear managed to convey so authentic a quality that it had to be seen to be believed, but still—the all-knowing grin and perfect teeth were undoubtedly punch-worthy.

“I would never want to deny someone their comfort,” he begins gently, a charming twinkle in his eye, “but there’s quite a bit more at stake, love—”

Impossibly, the girl blushes even deeper as he continues, “Your intentions, while quite admirable, they undermine the integrity of scientific fact, and in this day and age, well…”

He laughs and the entire room joins in, even the girl who had asked the question, and Emma can’t help but feel that if she were to pull her aside at the end of the night, she would have insisted that he had done her some kind of favor.

Unsurprisingly, the rest of the night seems as if it will continue in much the same way. The guy has an answer to absolutely everything, and nothing has gotten under her skin more. He’s unshakeable in his rightness, in the certainty of his argument and his devotion to the truth with a capital “T.”

 It would be almost admirable if it wasn’t so obviously a lie.

She decides to conduct street interviews the next day, nothing too formal, just the usual method of stopping folks on the street, inquiring after their views about the supernatural; make sure they feel comfortable and get honest, usable content.

“And you don’t think this tone of yours will influence their ‘honesty?’” David asks slyly, his smile familiar and deliberate and she’s had just about enough of how well he knows her sometimes.

“What tone? I just wanna prove to the guy that maybe he’s a little bit wrong about things.”

“No,” he laughs, shuffling around a pile of folders on top of his desk, “you want to humiliate him.”

“That would be unprofessional.”

“And no one would ever accuse you of that.”

She very professionally admits that she manages to speak with a handful of people who would agree with Dr. Killian Jones. They find belief in the supernatural, the magical, the unbelievable, to be a failing of the human mind, not a strength. A few of them even mentioned him by name, “That doctor, you know,” and she had to physically stop herself from recoiling, “the one with the accent. He’s got the right idea.”

But there’s also the vast majority of people who harbor some kind of belief in the unknown, even if it’s the teeniest, vaguest inkling—they want to believe, “And it warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart.”

It’s his answer to the last question that really seals the deal—acting as confirmation of the steadily growing theory that there’s a lot more to Jones’ “mission” than he’d like his enamored audiences to believe. It’s when the story that Emma Swan has started to write in her head goes from “so-so” to “award-winning.” It’s also when she gets the small blotch of ink on her face.

She’s just about ready to throw in the towel, hasn’t been able to stop anxiously chewing on the cap of the pen she had shoved into her mouth to keep from groaning at all of his well-crafted answers, when a stern-faced, well-dressed woman stands to speak.

Her voice seems to ring unusually loud in the suddenly hushed auditorium, and Emma’s eyes immediately swivel to the doctor’s face, which has, almost indiscernibly, shifted from charming to mildly concerned. Interesting.

“Yes, I have a question, Dr. Jones.”

He adjusts slightly in his seat, straightening the lapel of his blazer and clearing his throat, “Of course, darling, have at it.”

“You seem to have so many answers, and you’re so knowledgeable about all of these incomprehensible matters, I just have to know—”

“At this point, I’m so freaking enraptured by this ladies’ pantsuit, it’s all I can do to keep my butt in the seat,” there’s now a few empties strewn about the floor as she paces excitedly back and forth, her finger manically tapping against the side of the recorder, “In fact, I was so interested in this question that I happened to get pen ink all over my face,” she pauses, “but that’s neither here nor there. Point is, this lady stands up and says—”

“What happened to Milah Gold?”

A new, almost threatening kind of silence falls over the room. It had been “hushed” when Miss Pantsuit had stood up initially, but truthfully, there was still a smattering of noise you might usually attribute to normal human movement; the rustling of a candy wrapper, a small cough or shared whisper between friends, but the silence in the wake of this particular question, is, well, it’s almost spooky, isn’t it?

It’s like a vacuum has sucked all the air from the room, especially when you consider the fact that Jones’ face is so red it’s almost purple. His lips tighten and move together as if he’s about speak… and that’s when the goddamn lights go out.

“No shit?” David asks, distracted over the phone, his voice tinny and distant. She can hear Mary Margaret and the baby in the distance, the sound of a live studio audience clapping in time with his wife’s sickeningly sweet singing voice.

Emma’s own voice is high and fast as she walks quickly back to her car, a near-frigid October breeze whipping her hair into a frenzy against flushed cheeks, her boots still charmingly unzipped around her legs. “David, it was fucking wild. The lights went out.”

“So you said,” he laughs and says something to the baby in a squeaky, high-pitched voice she can’t help but roll her eyes at, “So, uh, you think there’s a story here?”

“Fucking hell, David, yes, yes, I think there’s a story here.”

“Well, you know I trust you,” Emma holds her breath as she stares at the strange, excited expression on the face of the woman reflected in the semi-frosted glass of her car window, “Go for it.”

It takes her a moment to realize that in the time spent walking from the lecture hall to her car, she’s somehow depleted all of her oxygen, and she has to quickly inhale before responding. Not to mention the fact of that damnable spot of ink still barely noticeable on the high apple of her stupid cheeks and she knows David’s waiting for an answer but it’s the freaking principle of the thing. She’s already about to lose a few cool points, with her back now resting heavily against the door of the VW, summoning the courage to be emotive for once in her pathetic life.

“Thank you, David. Seriously, I mean it.”

“No need to thank me,” he answers gently, “Emma Swan always gets her man.”

It will pain her to admit it, but there’s little room to exaggerate when she later tries to describe the undeniable smoothness of Dr. Killian Jones after the absurdly dramatic disruption of his, so far, grossly successful night of win, after win, after win. There’s some light shrieking and girlish giggling in the darkness of the auditorium, and Emma’s almost positive there’s a hand lost up a skirt somewhere, but as soon as the lights come up a few minutes later, it’s as if the whole thing never happened.

Pantsuit hasn’t plopped her proper butt back into her seat, but there’s a grin on Jones’ face that almost makes her believe he had planned the whole thing to catch her out. He makes some crack about the auditorium being haunted, “But don’t quote me on that,” winks, and turns those insane eyes back on the witch (Because she’s gotta be, right?) in the third row.

“The matter of Milah Gold’s disappearance is still up for a debate,” he answers firmly, succinctly, “and in all fairness I’m not quite certain why you would bring it up here.”

The witch in business attire takes a seat after that perfunctory response, and then, finally, after an almost masturbatory few hours in which Dr. Killian Jones manages to elevate himself to a pedestal so high she’s certain his body would explode on impact were he to do the whole world a favor and fling himself off, Emma Swan remains carefully still in her seat, waiting for the adoring fans to file out. Her recorder waits impatiently in the pocket of David’s denim jacket, at least three sizes too big, and she’s secretly yearning for the red leather number lost under her bed somewhere.

The pencil she’d tugged out of the rat’s nest on top of her head is tapping restlessly against her knee and goddamn, does she just want to get this guy alone. And she’s preparing herself because she just knows at this point, that when she gets within a hair’s breadth of his stupid face, he’s going to smell amazing—like warm, decadent cologne and expensive coffee. And she’s going to stare at his lips and her knees will undoubtedly quiver at the way he says… words.

“Come on, Emma,” she whispers furiously, wiping the unattractive, crusty remnants of old, useless sleep gathering at the corners of her eyes, “let’s give this guy something he’ll actually be afraid of.”

Whichever marketing firm designed August Booth’s website is a freaking genius.

“Well,” he laughs, blushing slightly, “thank you, Miss Swan.”

She meets him at his office in a town called Storybrooke, about an hour south of Portland, and calling it quaint would be an understatement. The people in this town would appear to be so close they’ve got a running schedule for everyone else’s daily fiber intake, and she wants to leave almost as soon as she arrives.

“So, it’s gotta be the pie or something, right?”

The guy’s charming, she’ll give him that, if not a bit… empty. Which is vague, she knows, and she’ll have to revise the language at a later date, but when she considers his laughter in her room later that night it’s the first word that’ll come to mind. Empty ideas, empty gestures, just… he’s there, but no one’s really home. Dr. Jones is a dramatic, performative jackass, there’s absolutely no doubt—but what’s not up for debate is his passion. The man obviously cares. Now, exactly what he cares about and why? That’s up for discussion.

“I don’t think I know what you mean,” smiling, but again, it’s all a bit off.

“Small towns like this,” she explains, “a lot of the time the reason people give for sticking around. It’s a signature dish or an old, anthropomorphic tree or something.”

“Ah,” he answers, turning around to face a large, imposing bookcase, “it does have... something.”

When she says “large,” she means floor to freaking ceiling. Emma’s got bookcases that David has called “large,” and she snaps a picture on her phone because this? This is large. Not only does it extend from the persian rug-covered floor to the water-stained ceiling, the thing is the width of the entire wall, one end to the other. Every shelf, every inch of available space is occupied, either with books, VHS cases, manuscripts, or various occult objects you couldn’t pay her to actually touch (she’s not so much with the tempting of fate).

“Jesus, does it spin around, too?”

She might pretend he doesn’t flinch at the Jesus-bomb, but regardless, he smiles again, of course, and makes some kind of Scooby-Doo reference she chooses to ignore.

He’s kinder up close and she wants to die. Basically. The anger is harder to use when she can see how fucking sweet he’s being to the gaggle of students hanging around, how he’s actually listening to their questions and comments instead of continuing the performance she had watched him perfectly execute on stage.

“I understand where you’re coming from, truly,” his hand pressed firmly, earnestly against his own chest, “but I’ve seen the damage it can do, and I have to take my own comfort in what I can actually see.”

He offers yet another winning, gentle grin, signs a few more books, confirms or denies a few more rumors, and she watches, entranced, as he collapses into his seat with a sigh. She almost feels bad for the guy. Almost.

“I know you’re there,” he starts kindly, his arm flung tiredly over his eyes, “no worries, love, I won’t bite.”

“What’s with the pet names?” she asks sweetly, dropping heavily into the seat across from him, “Does the tenure let you get away with that?”

He seems to lose his balance even though he’s seated, surprised at the vaguely mean, pointed quality of an older voice, “You’re not a student.”

“And you are very smart,” she responds kindly, her own smile adopting the least genuine feeling of kindness she can hope to convey, dragging her press pass out from beneath her flannel, “Emma Swan, ACRS.”

“Radio?”

The inviting, gentle nature she had witnessed earlier seems to have evaporated and there’s a part of her, a small, small part, that kind of hates what she’s about to do. As if it would kill her to make another friend.

“It’s a podcast.”

“I’m sorry, a what?”

“It’s radio. Look, don’t you think it’s just a little bit strange that—”

“Let me stop you right there, Miss Swan—”

Thus beginning the era of “interview interruptus,” as she would so gleefully begin later, trying and failing to conceal her pride at using a term she had coined a few months earlier. There was lots of fake politeness and huffs of frustrated breath and eye-rolling and honestly she barely got to ask a question let alone receive any answers, and he must have been getting just as irate as she was because the guy actually had the nerve to—

“What the hell are you doing?”

Realizing that she was standing dangerously close to this man, stepping out of his wickedly tempting sphere of handsome, academic influence (and she was right about the expensive coffee thing).

“You had some ink on your cheek,” he answered quietly, as if he were surprised at his own movement, his hand slowly returning to his side. “My apologies.”

“It’s fine,” she said sharply, swiping her hand over her face, “don’t worry about it.”

“Miss Swan,” he paused, “Emma.”

His brief silence was heavy, and while in reality it was probably only a few seconds, it felt as if hours of contemplation went by. It seemed like he was devoting so much energy, so much careful attention to his next words to her, and honestly, it was kind of refreshing.

“I understand you’re skeptical, alright? I’ve been known to doubt on occasion as well.”

She rolls her eyes and he smiles, his pronounced cheeks adorably flushed, “But I’m bloody exhausted, I could use some rest. Here’s my card.”

It’s just a normal business card, which is pretty disappointing. Could’ve at least used some holo-graphics or something.

“E-mail me, give me a call. We can talk then.”

Emma Swan is well-versed in the complex, many-layered looks of suspicion and distaste. She’s not quite sure which one she’s decided to unleash on the good doctor here, but from the look on his face it’s not too far off from the one she’d given Neal when he had tried to “bury the hatchet,” as it were. His face softens and he releases a quiet breath, a new, patient smile on his face.

“Try something new, darling. It’s called trust.”

And that’s when she runs for her car.

You can tell that August Booth wants to be able to pull off that genuine, trustworthy thing that Dr. Jones is able to convey so well, which is what makes it that much more distasteful to observe.

“I didn’t even think they made VHS tapes anymore.”

August glances back at her over his shoulder with a mischievous look on his face, or at the very least, trying to be. It’s a little bit like a teenager who thinks they’ve managed to pull one over on the teacher, when really they’re about to be sent to summer school.

“They do, actually,” he starts, pulling a black tape off the shelf, “something about the way it records. Catches it better.”

“Never thought I would hear that,” she answers, following his path across the room to an old television with a large player stacked beneath it. “Catches what better?”

A few hours later she’s calling, e-mailing, and texting Dr. Killian Jones, trying to temper the excitable tone of her voice, “Hey, Dr. Handsome? Yeah, I hope you’re well-rested. I’ve got something you need to see.”

Dropping her phone almost directly into the good doctor’s hot coffee probably isn’t the best idea she’s ever had, but it’s certainly one of the more dramatic.

“I hope you know that I won’t be paying for that,” he starts calmly, his eyebrow predictably, adorably quirked.

“Don’t quirk that thing at me,” she answers hotly, pulling the phone away at the corner, wiping the liquid off on her jeans, “she’s endured a whole lot worse than your shitty coffee.”

He takes an actual, delicate sip of his hot, expensive, garbage coffee and she thinks, gleefully, of all the articles she’s read about problematic coffee bean importation and the fact that this self-righteous jerkface actually thinks he’s taking the moral high ground right now before she tries to hand the phone over yet again. Slower this time.

“Watch it,” insistently pushing the phone into his hand, “I think you’ll find it... enlightening.”

“I can assure you, Swan,” slowly returning his mug to the table, his eyes never leaving hers as he tugs it from her fingers, “it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see about that.”

She probably should’ve warned him, the screaming is pretty loud.

Exorcism footage is undeniably fucked, and she’s starting to regret the re-watch rabbit hole she tumbled down the night before. She hadn’t slept much, and between the violent, erratic spasming and otherworldly shrieking she’s not sure she’ll be sleeping ever again, thank you very much. It is worth it, however, for the shocked, offended look on his face when Alex Reagan, aged 10 or 11, lets out an ungodly shriek so loud that the barista behind the counter drops a bucket full of dirty mugs and dishes. (And, okay, she does feel slightly bad about that.)

“Good God, Swan,” he hisses angrily, desperately trying to mute her phone before it gives the older lady in the corner booth a heart attack, “you could see fit to warn a man.”

“Oops.”

His sigh of frustration is almost erotically gratifying, and she unleashes a smug, self-satisfied grin of her own before he resumes the video, at a much lower volume this time, and a serene sense of concentration seems to envelop him as he watches the entire 10 minute clip.

It had seemed pretty legitimate, in her admittedly amateur opinion. Maybe she hadn’t spent her whole life debunking the paranormal, but she liked to think she had a pretty good instinct for these things. August Booth was a shady character, there was no doubt in her mind of that, but this tape—and the others? They had to be real.

Her voice is clear, steady, and entirely unimpeded by snacks as she records. Her foot fails to nervously fidget beneath her desk as it normally would. Her motives are pure and ethically sound.

Take that, David Nolan.

Let me describe it for you, so you can really get a clear sense of what we’re seeing.

There’s a young girl tied to a chair. She’s unusually small for her age, Booth says she can’t be any older than 10, but it takes at least 3 large, beefy guys to keep her in that chair. There’s a sound coming from the video, and, ya know, her mouth is open, so it has to be the girl, but… it sounds more like the cries of a wounded animal. A cat, maybe. And it echoes, loudly, throughout the room—you can tell that it’s distracting the priest, which… I dunno, maybe that’s the point.

 He’s chanting something in Latin, and it’s having some kind of effect on the girl, Alex, her jaw seems to be clenched so tightly I’m surprised it doesn’t break. This goes on for a while, I won’t bore you with the rest, but it’s the end that’s really… it’s really something else. The priest seems to finish his chant or sermon, whatever it is, and Alex goes real still, like maybe she’s heard something in another room?

And then…

“Bloody hell.”

“Told ya.”

...Her mouth just… drops open, but it’s more than that, it’s not like she’s surprised or excited or shouting, it just drops, like the physical reality of her bones aren’t even a thing, because this poor girl’s jaw, it’s down to her sternum, at least, and it’s only a second, it’s a literal fraction of a second but when you see it. Man, do you see it. 

“Debunk that, Mr. Bean.”

Dr. Jones looks thoroughly unimpressed for a whopping 30 seconds before he speaks.

“Where did you find this, Emma?”

“I may have taken a trip to Storybrooke after our chat the other day.”

The man couldn’t look less amused by that confession even if he tried. His manner seems to shift from inquisitive scientist to scolding parent, and she tries not to feel disappointed.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Swan.”

“Oh, it’s ‘Swan,’ now, is it?”

He slips the phone back into her hand and returns to his seat, his sad, neglected coffee having significantly cooled since she walked in the door. She had been hoping for another explosive debate, if she were being truthful. Not that they’d made much progress the other night at the college, but she enjoyed riling him up—he blushed a lot.

“What is it you want from me?”

She sighs and considers her position. The least she could do is be truthful with her subject. The chair slides harshly across the floor as she moves to take a seat, and the coffee shop seems to fall almost eerily quiet in the absence of the video, the sound of their voices filtering in between the generic noises of a public space.

“I just want the truth, Jones. Like you.”

“Somehow, Miss Swan, I’m not quite sure that’s true.”

There’s something unsettling about the way he studies her, like he knows all of her deepest, darkest secrets, can read her insecurities as if they were second-rate horoscopes in some local paper and she wants to take it all back—she’ll write about the cat toenails. After a few long, uncomfortable minutes in which she feels strangely psychoanalyzed, he manages to expose at least one of her secrets.

“I know you got that tape from August Booth,” taking a sip of his cold coffee and wrinkling his nose, “and I can’t say I approve.”

“Good thing I don’t live or die at the whims of your approval, Dr. Jones.”

“Yes, I would have to agree. Quite a good thing.”

He seems to disappear into himself for another moment, not dissimilar to his reaction when the almost comically serious, dark-haired woman had asked him about Milah Gold that night at the lecture.

“I have a proposition,” he starts again, straightening his jacket, “if you’re going to be as… shall we say, ‘committed,’ to hounding me about this as you appear to be—”

A bearded waiter wearing suspenders (because this coffee shop isn’t trendy enough) stops by their table to retrieve empty mugs and take any other orders, and she would very much like to get some herbal tea (David “pop-pop” Nolan seems to think that caffeine “makes her worse”), except this dude won’t stop flirting with her paranormal professor. Her time is precious, after all.

“Excuse me, yes, hello?”

Killian Jones stops flashing his obnoxious eyeballs at their stunned waiter long enough for her to order her tea and then he’s gone, both of them making eyes at the other until he’s back behind the counter.

“You are a mystery unto yourself, Dr. Jones.”

He clears his throat and tries to hold back another one of those smug grins she still can’t stand, and he gestures towards her phone sitting innocuously on the table, like a bomb waiting to go off.

“I know this all seems like just another story to you, but there’s a lot more to this world than you know.”

“I do know, that’s why—”

He chuckles and gently interrupts, “Just, hold on one moment and let me finish. I’ve listened to a few of your ‘podcasts,’ as you call them. You are clearly very smart, intuitive, I have no doubt you could tell a compelling story.”

Flirty, in-over-his-head waiter returns with her tea, and luckily, doesn’t stick around for another game of mental footsie.

“If you’re going to tell this story, as I have no doubt you will, I want to make sure that it’s the truth.”

She raises an eyebrow, as if listening to a few of her episodes means he knows her. Nothing is more important than the integrity of her work. Nothing. Cat toenails or no, she’s not a liar.

“I’m not great at a whole lot, Dr. Jones. But I’m a brilliant reporter. I’m thorough and careful and creative and I do my job. I don’t need you or anybody else reminding me of what the truth is.”

Stand up, she thinks to herself, leave. You don’t know need him to tell this story, it’s practically writing itself at this point. In her recollections of this moment, lost in the digital confines of her recorder, looking out over the bay in her VW, the sun setting magnificently in the distance, she will lie. Just a little bit.

“So he tells me he thinks we’d make a good team, basically, only the language was a bit more formal.”

As if she were some kinda middle-class British lady in a Jane Austen novel and he’s gonna be her Mr. Darcy or a Knightley or whomever the hell decides to play the gentleman in the story of her life. Makes her realize that he wasn’t who she thought he was or some bullshit, and “No,” aloud, recording, “he’s exactly who I think he is.”

“Anyway,” taking a breath, re-focusing, onto the next step, “he’s taking me out of state tomorrow.” Some kind of haunting in Canada and dammit, she’s gonna need to dig her passport out of her closet.

“This is Emma Swan, ACRS, signing off.”

[anneedmonds]

Recipe: My Meat-Free Chilli

I know what you’ve all been thinking, these past few years; where the hell are Crilly’s crazy cooking videos? We’ve had Nigella, we’ve had Joe Wicks, Jamie Oliver has released about thirty new cookbooks, but none of them are a patch on Ruth and her woefully under-prepped, badly-filmed recipe videos! 

Well here you go – feel free to thank me later. A meat-free chilli recipe that will warm the cockles and spice up your weekday mealtimes. I’ve been meaning to share this one for a while, because it’s a very tasty vegan alternative to the classic, beefy Chilli Con Carne. I usually find vegetable chilli so bland and boring but there’s a little jar of chipotle wondrousness that saves the day for this particular version.

Quite honestly, I’d say that the chipotle paste is non-negotiable. I mean you can knob about with any sort of bean/vegetable combo you like – add in courgette, mushrooms, more beans, less beans – but the smokey richness from the chipotle is the very backbone of the recipe. I got mine in Sainsbury’s but a quick Google shows me that both Waitrose and Tesco also stock it.

Now I’m not vegan, or even vegetarian, but I’ve never been massively into cooking meat at home and over the past few years I’ve reduced our meat intake even more. This vegan chilli recipe is quick, easy and makes a huge pot (even huger if you have the mushrooms and courgette in, which I forgot to buy) and you can portion it off once it’s cooked and then reheat whatever you need on other nights. It actually tastes better after a few days in the fridge and there’s nothing better than remembering you’ve got a tasty, ready-made meal waiting for you when you’re knackered and just want to watch Netflix.

I’ve written out the ingredients list and recipe method (it’s so uncomplicated it almost seems patronising to write it out but hey, I’m here to serve!) and you can refer to those beneath the video. It drives me mad when I look up a recipe online and then I’m forced to watch a video to find out how to make something, so I’ve covered both bases.

Enjoy. Excuse the jaunty camera angles and fact that the video seems to have been edited by a madman – I was home alone and operating two cameras on two tripods was trickier than anticipated!

(UPDATE: after I filmed the video and wrote the majority of this accompanying post, I went into my store cupboard and found a load of lovely sauces and spices with very Instagrammable labels. I didn’t even realise I had the Luchito Smoked Chilli Paste or the tin of smoked paprika that’s just peeking into shot above! The Cholula sauce I was aware of, mainly because I pour it liberally onto just about everything.)

Meat-Free Chilli / Chilli Sin Carne Recipe

2 large cloves garlic 1 onion chopped 1 pepper (red or orange) chopped 2 red chillis chopped (depending on how spicy you like things!) 1 heaped tsp Cumin powder 1/3 tsp All Spice 1 large tbsp Chipotle Paste (I use Sainsbury’s) 1 can cooked red kidney beans, drained 1 can/pack of cooked black beans, drained 1 can chopped tomatoes 1 tbsp tomato ketchup 1 handful of fresh coriander leaves to garnish (You can add mushrooms, chopped, and courgette too if you like – both are amazing in it but I forgot to buy them, so…) Rice and mashed avocado (with a touch of lime) to serve

1. Fry onions in vegetable (or other) oil until browned and almost caramelised. Mmmm.

2. Add the chopped pepper and chillis and fry until softened.

3. Add the dried spices and garlic, stir quickly and then add the chipotle paste. Have your tin of tomatoes ready to add in case the spices stick to the pan – you don’t want the garlic or spices to burn so keep stirring! Stir for about thirty seconds then add the toms and half a can of water.

4. At this point, I let the sauce cook for a few minutes whilst I drain my bean medley. Then add the beans to the sauce and allow to cook for anywhere between 20 minutes to an hour. If you keep it cooking along, check the water level and don’t let it dry out!

5. Mash your avocado, cook your rice (I use basmati, takes 10 mins to boil) and taste your chilli – at this point I add some ketchup if it needs zinging up a bit, and then salt to taste.

6. Serve it, eat it. I actually make mine REALLY spicy and have yoghurt with it but that wouldn’t very vegan so I left that fact out! It’s also great piled into taco shells or tortilla wraps with grated cheese/vegan cheese and sliced pickled jalapenos.

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Recipe: My Meat-Free Chilli was first posted on February 2, 2019 at 7:56 am. ©2018 "A Model Recommends". Use of this feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this article in your feed reader, then the site is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact me at contact@amodelrecommends.com Recipe: My Meat-Free Chilli published first on https://medium.com/@SkinAlley