#and above all i cannot let myself just substitute the missing person in my life with him

[ecowgirl]

ahhhhh!

[raayllum]

Callum 🤝 Stoick

“For you, my dear, anything.”

Everyone loves to draw comparisons between Callum and Hiccup (when they’re pretty fundamentally different people beyond the obvious surface level similarities) but sleep on this comparison! Love it

Gonna go on a deep dive cause Hiccup is one of my favourite characters ever but I've never written meta about him so

In some ways, Hiccup and Callum are similar - especially in terms of how they present. They're both goofy, more than a little awkward, deeply curious and compassionate, extremely loyal once you've earned/have their loyalty, a bit flighty and sometimes focused too much on the big picture in lieu of missing the little things. They both grew up feeling like the wrong fit for their environment/culture and it takes bonding with a mysterious, dangerous enemy and subsequent life changing adventure for them to start figuring out where they belong (and how). I think they'd get along splendidly and would absolutely show off flying tricks

However, they are also radically different, mostly because Hiccup is far more rebellious (and particularly in early HTTYD1) far more selfish than Callum is.

Due to a vicious cycle of "I want to prove myself to the village" -> "I mess up" -> "Village is annoyed by me" and a lack of other tangible options of places and circumstances to go into, Hiccup is about as bullheaded as it gets. Even before he meets Toothless, he's not super concerned about being a Viking according to his people's standards, and we don't know if he actually tried at being a traditional Viking very hard before he switched to machinery and inventing (I've also leaned towards not, but that's up for interpretation). He simply wants them to recognize that he can be a Viking, too, by his own standards - and in some ways better and more effectively than they can because he's using his smarts and not just his ('nonexistent') brawn. He's effectively beholden to no one but himself, especially since his relationship with his father is so strained and Gobber does his best, but is understandably not a perfect substitute / cannot be everything a 15 year old boy needs or wants to have socially. This is also why Stoic's scoldings are so ineffective, because pre-Toothless Hiccup doesn't really care that much if he royally mucks things up for the Village time and time again if it's in pursuit of praise/recognition - which is not entirely unreasonable (we all want attention/positive reinforcement) particularly for a teenager, but it is short sighted and immature.

Then he meets Toothless, and learns 1) how to put something and someone else heavily above his own wants & needs, and 2) how to contribute to the village in a way that would be beneficial for everyone, not just the people (beginning of the movie)/himself, or for the dragons/himself (when he was planning to run away), but for all of them, irregardless of himself. This journey is ultimately what's culminated in the third movie by finally living up to his father ("How do you become someone that great, that brave, that selfless?") by willing to do with Toothless what Stoic was willing to do with him: to let him go, so that he'd be Safe. The first thing Hiccup ever did, that set him on an entirely new path after all, was to set a dragon free. I always thought it was very fitting that was his final act as well.

And it's this journey from selfish slightly sarcastic but intelligent, sympathetically immature teenager to a wiser, selfless, less independent but more reliable adult, aided by the events of the films, the memory/inspiration of his father, everything about Toothless and his love/support of Hiccup, and Astrid being about as devoted to Berk as it gets (which is absolutely something Hiccup needs) that allows him to be a great Chief. He's able to put the greater good of his family and people above what he may personally want in the short term ("I was so busy thinking about the world that I wanted, I didn't think about what you needed") to prioritize his goals in the long term ("And we'll guard the secret until the time comes that dragons can return in peace").

And due to all of this, Callum starts out in a fundamentally different place, because he always has an internal and externally imposed responsibility from the start: Ezran. "Take care of your brother," are Harrow's final, parting words to him, after all, and we see Callum take this with him throughout the series, whether it's trying to be assassinated in Ezran's place, promising to return and help him once Zym is brought home, or rushing to defend him when he thinks there's another plot against the king. This is also where we see Callum's selective loyalty creep in. While Callum would make a great general due to his tactician skills and ability to think ahead, he is ultimately too reckless and obsessive to make a good king - or in the Hiccup comparison, Chief. Although both are leadership roles, having Ezran / others there to temper him occasionally as a general is crucial - he needs that safety net (or someone to tell him to keep his eyes on the road) which him being the final authority on the throne would not provide ("I may be queen but even I can't stop those two when they've set their minds on something") that not being on the throne can marginally provide. This is also one of the reasons why I don't think either Callum or Rayla are really suited to a long term life at court / as royalty, but post for another day <3

Callum also has more of a temper and more of a nasty temper toward his loved ones as well that Hiccup really doesn't have a shred of - he'll be sarcastic and a bit snippy but he'll never aim for the jugular, y'know? (Hiccup is also more marginally prone to self blame probably because he's grown up enough to take full responsibility for his actions after a childhood of mostly shirking/dismissing them, but like side tangent)

So like Callum's consistent sense of responsibility keeps him tempered and more mild mannered and less rebellious (and him and Harrow have a much better relationship than pre-HTTYD1 Hiccup and Stoick, which absolutely helps; each may have resembled each other more in HTTYD2 esque dynamic if Harrow had lived to see Callum mature / grow into himself a bit more) but also leaves him far more selectively loyal / focused on his own bubble most of the time.

Like Hiccup is just loyal enough (aided by Astrid) to his People to like be able to do the ins and outs and enjoy it overall? And I've never gotten the same sense from Callum at any point in the series (which "I'm beholden to my inner circle, not some silly kingdom" - thank you TOX). And I do think the way Callum would want to change the world is more magic based - teaching other people how to connect and harness magic - is more in line for him overall but again: post for another day (and we'll have to see where canon goes). Because of Toothless, Hiccup's bubble expands to Astrid and the gang and his father, fully, and stays expanded; Toothless gave him the family & support he needed to no longer need Toothless to stay in the same manner. For Callum, his bubble is Ezran, expands to Rayla as well over the course of arc 1 at first because of Ezran and because of their own bond - and it doesn't really expand with the same intensity to basically anyone else (see Callum being worried, sure, about Soren in 4x06/4x07 but also a lot more focused in general in how Soren's absence is affecting Rayla and thereby focusing on reassuring her)

Callum is also just way more of a loose canon, at least to me. Trying out the lightning spell just because in 1x05 with no safety net, staying way too long at the Great Bookery in 5x04 when they absolutely could've just come back after stopping Aaravos and co., and again: he just has an edge to him that Hiccup doesn't? It's hard to describe and I don't think there's necessarily a reason behind besides "they're two different characters with accordingly different characterizations" but I can't see Hiccup doing dark magic or being tempted by it - even if it was to save Toothless, or something? He's just too much of a bleeding heart/animal lover and a lot more Ezran on that level

Long characterization aside, I actually think Rayla and Hiccup are probably more similar in that rebellious / witty streak to your disappointed more restrictive tougher mentor (Runaan, Stoick) but that Callum 100% has Stoick's devotion to Valka down pat. "For you my dear, anything," the slow approach in asking but not assuming she'll be his wife again, the forgiveness and understanding of Valka and Rayla staying away all that time, the "I don't want another. Your mother was the only woman for me. She was the love of my life" excuse me while I go cry.

[queernuck]

The Cleveland Browns made the playoffs. The Islanders made the Eastern Conference Finals.

And that’s enough for me.

So long, so long I have been living like this, pretending that I want to keep on living, that life feels worthwhile, that I don’t want to kill myself. Suicide is for cowards but ive been chickening out for a whole decade, to the point where getting on the subway was itself something that involved convincing myself not to jump in front of it. I remember once while working in the city, I watched and waited as two trains came in and left, trying to get the energy to jump in front of them. I had decided, if I couldn’t do it by the time a second train came and went, I would go to work and save it for another day. I came very close, my legs tense like a linebacker on 4th & Goal, but I didn’t do it. Maybe it would be better if I had, I would have saved not only myself but a lot of other people a lot of pain and suffering. I’ve been dealing with feeling suicidal for a decade, an entire ten years, and made it through. And for what? I lost a retail job at minimum wage, I’ve seen the Giants go from two-time Super Bowl kingslayers to a team that relied on the Eagles for a playoff berth, I got to see Evangelion only for the final Rebuild film to be infinitely delayed, I have a useless non-degree that allows me to eloquently describe how the Democrats and Republicans alike are driving this stolen land to Fascism while sycophants tell me Vote Blue No Matter Who. I’m so tired, I’m not even the person people think me to be, since if I were, I wouldn’t be in this mess.

My paychecks, as hard-earned as they were, never seemed to be mine in any real sense, and it made me so frustrated that something in me broke at the beginning of this year. I made some mistakes, some very stupid ones, and got myself fired. I took money from and distorted the inventory of my store to get what amounted to pocket money, less than two paychecks. I was tempted because I feel so powerless, so much like nothing I could ever say or do matters, and so I decided to lash out against a place that mattered to me, against people I cared about deeply. Chain stores, corporations, all of those things are not really high on my list of things to care about. Barnes & Noble pushed out local booksellers years ago, an irony not lost on me whenever our own competition with Amazon was made apparent. We were reaping what we had sown. But what always interested on top of this irony was how symbolic these things could be to people, how much we figured into so may memories for so many. The Manga Aisle at Barnes & Noble is a staple of 2006 scene culture, a way that kids without the pocket money to afford the newest volume of Bleach it Naruto could keep up before scams became widely available. How the store was a place where people studying for standardized tests could use the test prep guides to try and get ready for the eugenic ritual of the standardized test. And just how much a chain bookstore became a substitute, socially, for the now-absent local bookstore. We bear the guilt for that, but at the same time we were still selling books, giving people a place to get coffee and sit and read and talk, in ways that libraries may not be able to. We certainly can never replace a library, given just what a library does for people. But we did do a lot of good all the same. Before it closed, some of my fondest memories came when I was the exact sort of annoying teenage customer I grew to hate, hanging out at the Columbus Circle Borders. Working at Barnes & Noble was tiring, dehumanizing, difficult, made me feel like I would never measure up to the authors we sold, the people books were written about, that I was a failure. And I am, as my death shows. But it also made me a part of something I was proud of. And that Above & Beyond pin I earned is in my jacket still, a reminder of something.

That something was shown in so many of the coworkers I had, who were incredible in so many ways. I feel awful for what I did, I genuinely do, because of how it may have hurt people who thought so kindly of me, people who deserve so much good. I wish I had the ability to address each of them individually but this decision was hastily made, and i have a feeling it will show in the things I miss in this note. Audra, your help in finding me a way to use the company policies to my advantage as a worker was something that gave me faith even after having seen the despicable firings and cuts the company went through. Linda, I can’t quite square the circle here given my actions, but I want to say your disappointment broke my heart and that while I will not be the one who shows it, your reassurance that everyone makes mistakes was welcome.

To my (former) fellow booksellers at Store 2216, all of my love and my sincerest apologies. You all have so much good in you, your willingness to listen to my ADHD-fueled rants and to discuss so many things with an incredible frankness was always impressive, in addition to part of what I loved about all of you. I want you all to be happy, and the kinship I felt with you was a vital part of what kept me going. It was tough, as you all know. But at times, it almost felt worth it.

The same is true of my CTY friends: it was a weird, magical place that frankly, a lot of us idealized for far too long and which sk many of us eventually outgrew without being able to let go of. And that was tough, that was something we had a great deal of difficulty understanding, that what helped us once was not always going to be helping us, was not always what we needed. But in eventually finding that, we found solace, we realized how life as a whole functions and just what it is that we can take from places like it.

To my other family, my Cleo family, I know I haven’t been terribly active lately, but I can never, ever thank you enough for the belonging you gave me. I have never felt anywhere as welcoming as Cleo. As warm as Cleo (even as we struggled to pay for the oil bill) was. As kind and understanding. As tolerant. As questioning and inquisitive into what that tolerance meant to us. I am thankful, eternally, for what you all did for me. The incredible experiences I had as a Cleo make me proud of what the organization can represent, and one of my dying wishes is that the organization continues to reach out to marginalized communities on Trinity’s campus. There is much work to be done in making sure abusers cannot hide in our family, but I trust you all to do that work. Tucker Carlson is a Trinity grad and we must embody the opposite of what he stands for, no matter how difficult it may be. I could go on about how this means opposing liberals and Liberalism/Neo—Liberalism due to the truth of tolerance resulting in a Popper-esque Paradox of Tolerance that implies Popper is a worthwhile philosopher, but that’s another issue.

To my friends on that Blue Hellsite, tumblr, you made a continual presence worth it, even with all of the bullshit this place brings. It’s the reason I read so much Foucault, Derrida, Deleuze & Guattari, read Žižek against himself, and so on and so on, and the value of that to me can never be overstated. I learned so much from the ways in which I learned to analyze the world, and that in turn became a huge inspiration for why I should try to do what I could to make the world closer to a place of revolution, one where we could perhaps eke out a living for one another. I loved how much I could be an unrepentant nerd and still love hockey on there, and while the

NHL fans on tumblr are incredibly annoying,

I can deal with that compared to the racism of most hockey fans.

Mom, Dad? I just couldn’t live with you any longer. I’m so sorry.

Grandma, I love you.

And the things I leave behind? Donate what can be donated. Hats, please auction, or at least offer to other HatHeads at a reasonable price. I had some nice ones. As for assorted albums, clothing, and other things, sell them and donate to a Harm Reduction organization, or organizations that advocate for PWUD in a radical fashion. WE DESERVE AUTONOMY!

I am a victim of the War on Drugs. Sobriety was always hellish to me, and I could never take it. I want people to be able to live how they want, to see sobriety and being on drugs as equally valuable states, to see the two as no different from one another.

Abolish all gun laws

End the War on Terror

Decriminalize and legalize all drugs, sobriety is what killed me.

I love all of you.

LET’S GO ISLANDERS!

[companionship]

okay one big post to get the finale out of my system! it's been lovely reading all of your analyses and reactions, and looking at all your amazing gifs and edits :')

fair warning: this is going to be so stinking long omfg

the things i enjoyed:

vincenzo remaining an anti-hero through and through, especially the fact that he didn't hold back at all when it came to myunghee and hanseok's death. he gave them a taste of their own medicine and then some forreal, their deaths were brutal but oddly satisfying, and i'm saying this as someone who usually hates violence/gore. throughout the show, they've always hinted at what he was Truly Capable Of and boy did we get to see it

vincenzo fumbling in hanseok's house and not being his usual self – a lot of people thought it was ooc, which i understand! i felt like that was the Point, to show that for once, he's not the invincible mafia consigliere that everyone thinks he is. what he did to the man who killed his mother and the army of security guards was a reaction, but this is the first time he's flustered, caught at a disadvantage, and faced with the very real possibility that he might lose somebody incredibly important to him. idk it made him more human to me

vincenzo literally not hesitating for even 0.1 seconds to fold his entire body around hers when he thought hanseok was going to shoot again – yeah that whole bit made my heart clench i feel like a crazy person i won't get over it

the chayenzo hospital scene... my god it was so tender my heart broke. the laugh they both shared, out of sheer relief that she's okay. the little joke about paying for the private room. the way not much was being said, but everything was being said at once. the way they looked at each other, as if it wouldnt ever be enough :( the quiet acceptance that this is their last night together, and that he's going to have to kill a bunch of people after this, but for now they have this. for however brief.

chayoung being chayoung – her big ass personality at the courtroom at the end after winning ms oh's case. her hopping around in those heels, looking elegant and sleek, mocking the hell out of rich conglomorates. she's in her element again and it made me so, so happy to see. i absolutely adore her, she's everything really. after all that loss and the whole ordeal, i'm glad she's able to return to what she does best: putting capitalists back in their place

mr lee being Very Much Not Dead – idk how i wouldve been able to handle it after witnessing hanseo's death like im glad he got the chance to be a dad

the kiss – my god....

the things i didn't like:

hanseo's death – lmao is it even a surprise... say what you will about his death being foreshadowed, but i really just hated hated it. i hate that hanseok won this one. i hate that hanseo worked so hard to redeem himself, only to lose it all. i hate that he was given a taste of what a real family was like, and then having it taken away so cruelly. even though i said above that i didn't mind that vincenzo was ooc at the mansion, i was still screaming at the screen because there were plenty of opportunities for the situation to be reversed. i don't necessarily blame vincenzo for hanseo's death, but i do wish that they had a funeral scene for him. i wish they acknowledged his sacrifice, and how pivotal he was in turning the tables. if not for hanseo, vincenzo really couldn't have pulled any of this off, from the interpol tipoff to the tracking device in the watch. idc idc hanseo is in malta rn, enjoying the sun and the beach, going to therapy, and teaching the local kids how to play hockey even though there's no ice :(

chayoung being bedridden the whole finale – like... NAH lmao this aint it chief... if things went my way, she wouldve gotten out of the hospital depite her injury and dealt with myunghee before handing her off to vincenzo. i loved their animosity for each other, and i wanted chayoung to be the one at myunghee's apartment waiting for her, rubbing it into her face. i wanted chayoung to verbally finish myunghee with that sharp ass tongue of hers and really dump a load of salt on her wounds. then vincenzo could do whatever the hell he wanted. you could argue that the show is called Vincenzo but i really dont care lmao it started with chayoung avenging her dad and she should've been able to strike the final blow. also what was her big second party? are we really just going to ignore her capacity for evil? after all that moral work done, after that time she spent coming to terms with using evil to combat evil, we're just going to... keep her bedridden? park jaebum u will pay for this

vincenzo losing his family – besides hanseo's death, i think this was what i hated the most from the ending. the start of the show showed us vincenzo's departure from the mafia with the very clear intention of Not Returning. the capo died, his loyalties lie with no one, paolo can suck it. throughout the show, we see him repeat over and over that he wants to get the gold and skip off to malta to enjoy a peaceful life there, while reflecting/repenting for the things he's done. vincenzo was gearing up for a lifetime of solitude. the whole point of the show was for him to find a real family and have a real chance at happiness. park jaebum really said FUCK THAT! we're gonna have him ditch the family that he built from scratch with the love of his life and then make him return to the family that tried to kill him AND make him the capo... pjb said we're gonna separate vincenzo from the family that accepts his past and sees it as a strength and not a weakness. the family that was formed out of solidarity, the family that he fought for and fought alongside with blood, sweat and tears. not to mention the goddaughter of his? sorry i would laugh if it didn't actually rile me up so bad

vincenzo not being able to come back to korea – i've said this in another post of mine, but given that he is The Vincenzo Cassano with all those resources at his disposal (guillotine file, mr ahn/mr cho/the chief etc.), the fact that he isnt even able to stay in korea for 30 fuckin minutes after finishing hanseok was ridiculous. the whole police chase was dumb as hell considering that the show has managed to stop politicians and mf presidential candidates from going after him like ? huh LMAO park jaebum had an on-demand pigeon army in this show and Yet he can't stop like 10 suddenly-righteous policemen. another big ass HUH

chayenzo (here we go...):

NOPE! i've reflected on the ending and decided that i'm going to be petty and salty for a while more before coming to terms with it

i can rationalise and try to be positive and tell myself that their love is enduring can transcend space and time and that in due time, they will find their way back to each other, and i have no doubt that they will because they're one soul in two bodies. it's quite literally canon that they're soulmates.

but let me wallow for a second

here we have two people who have done questionable and terrible things in their past coming together, growing together, grieving together, fighting together... you get the gist of it. you have two people who have found a home in each other. two people who, for all intents and purposes, were about to live in a whole lot of bitterness and solitude if not for each other and the life they built together (chayoung didn't have friends like that, and her family is gone too). to separate them like that at the very end is cruel. i know chayoung and vincenzo are mature and incredible and will be able to function without the other next to them. i know that they will still excel as lawyers and will defeat evil with their underhand methods the way they do so well but my god are they going to feel the absence and miss each other

my point is that they shouldn't have to. from what i could tell, they can't even communicate on a regular basis bc he'll be tracked and whatnot, hence the postcards. a postcard every month is a poor substitute for all those nights they stayed up drinking makgeolli and celebrating their wins. its a shitty replacement for coffee dates and fist bumps and all the moments in between. after everything they've been through, after literally fighting to death for their family, they don't deserve this. they don't deserve to meet up once a year for a couple of hours. they don't deserve pockets of time in malta or korea, their life in a perpetual countdown to when they're going to see each other next

they both deserve love and some semblance of peace (finally finally). they both deserve to have someone to come home to after a hard day of work, because doing what they do cannot be easy. they both deserve a family, deserve to have someone next to them that accepts their past and would embrace their future. they both deserve a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. i know they will still be It for each other despite the distance, i just wish the distance didn't even exist in the first place bc its stupid and cruel and their love shouldnt have to be proven or tested with time and space. let them stay together. let them grow together. let them be.

side note: song joongki and jeon yeobeen need another project together idc take it up with god

tl;dr: park jaebum u will be paying for my therapy bills

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Monday 12 September 1836

7

12 10

No kiss fine morning and F50 ½° at 7 50 - out with one or other till breakfast at 9 20 to 10 ½ at the Lodge the plasterer gave me the Lodge keys - had finished his job - had Joseph Mann about spars for the Long goit cabin - gave him 5 and nails - had Mr. Husband - told him to see about the Whiskum cottage windows - Joseph M- thinks they can be made water tight by substituting wood frames for the lead ones - Mr. H- to see also about the pump removing into the house - Reuben ----- that lived with Mrs. Lawson will do the job finding pipe (1 1/4in. pipe 30 yards) and everything for £6.10.0 - Mr. H- advises fumigating with brimstone the Irish cottages in Hatters fold - will be done for 2/6 or 3/. Robert Mann and Matthew and Samuel taking out hall  cellar stuff-wood and Jack filling Mark Hepworth 2 one horse carts that cart stuff to the bottom of the coal pit-field - Robert Schofield and Joseph Sharpe breaking stone n the court and taking down bit of old garden terrace wall over against the west tower - 2 sawyers from Hainsworths came this morning (1st time) to saw up deals - to stay a week - the York joiners began fitting up menservants necessary in the new court - 2 masons hewing as usual for the west tower 2 masons (Abraham and James) and 2 lads preparing and setting rag against the coal-place in the new court - wrote the above of today till 11 ¼ - above ½ hour making memoranda - then looking at measurement of Hilltop and writing over in ink memoranda in little rough book - then till 12 50 wrote and copied letter in answer to the one I had last night from Miss Vickers - in great hope of having heard of a housekeeper likely to suit me - presume it is the Miss V- who was teacher at the Manor school at York ‘and whose knowledge of cookery and confectionery, and whose of the arduous duties of a housekeeper in an establishment consisting of several servants might not be sufficient to fit her for the place at Shibden hall - Miss Lister very much hopes that Miss Vickers will soon meet with a better situation’ - from 12 55 to 4 (except called off a little by A- copying plan of the H-x Sutherland property for her sister) and had Mr. Hoyland for a few minutes about painting the Lodge (the painters there this afternoon) from 12 55 to 4, with these interruptions, wrote 3 pp. very small and close to M- thanks for her 2 letters and valuable help - will let Adney manage for herself about the woman servants in future gave M- copy of great part of my last letter to Mrs. Bull - and a copy of Miss Vickers’s letter!!! and my answer ‘Mary I have you all this to amuse you, if so be that you can be amused by such an offer’ (Miss Vicker’s) ‘sealed by a little bird ‘scaping from a cage under the watchword of our day, Liberty - I have had enough for all my life of hiring housekeepers and housemaids - ask how often the Lawtons give their servants great coat - if the brick oven is heated with wood or coal, etc annoyed sorry the gardener did not call to thank M- afraid the accounts from the minster yard are but indifferent - ‘your disappointment is mine - I should have been delighted at your coming - at last, (never too late), you have resolved wisely and kindly - and I am confident you will be more and more of my opinion - Be the secrets of our hearts open or not, the world has some right to have its prejudices attended to - who was once more convert to this opinion than Mary’s self? who has done sacrifice to it more frequently than she? and would you now despise the creed that you have held so long? But think not of anything save the good you are coming to do - you can, and will give Adney very valuable assistance - you will do great service to us all, and you will be more than satisfied - the idea of coming to see my aunt after A- and I were gone, was perhaps but an idea - a vain imagining that could have no reality - my aunt is very poorly - we have no thought of leaving here, and may not have long to stay on her account - she has so often and so extraordinarily rallied, who can say when she has done so for the last time? But I have no hope of her continuing very long - she has told me several times to give her love, and say, she should be very glad to see you - I am sure she would be very glad, and I should have laid stress upon this before, had I not

SH:7/ML/E/19/0107

thought it more kindly considerate to your feelings to avoid the subject altogether - you must take such board and lodging as you can get, in the present state of the house and household - Trust me, il n’y a que le premier pas qui conte - all afterwards will be easy, and comfortable, and satisfactory - if you are not in a hurry about plans for Miss Salmon, we had best talk the matter over - I think it will require much careful arrangement to insure its success - In Paris it is easy to spend money, and difficult for a stranger to live comfortably on small means’ ...... should have the n° of pupils certain for the 2 years - scarcely think £500 a year with 5 pupils enough for everything - it ‘would require a clever head, - or rather 2 clever heads, one to keep the house, and one to keep the young ladies - the latter ought never to be left - I fancy the manner English people keeping schools in Paris, are either well versed in the manners and prices of the place, or are in some sort of partnership with  some French person or other foreigner who can keep the cash-book straight - I dare not trust myself to name other places than Paris - but there are where climate is better, and living and house rent cheaper, and masters good enough to teach French - of course, everything is the best (except climate) in Paris - but it is a charming, dear place - Let us talk all these things over - your last dated letter (the 2 last came together) seems to me the kindest I have had from you since the spring of 1834. ‘when I have the object set before me of being of the least possible use to you, self is altogether forgotten’ - a golden sentence - kind in expression, - invaluable in dead - Is not that affection deepest which seeks to serve its object bests?’ - shall be glad to hear she has made up her mind about Percy - grieve over the failure of the Wiesbaden scheme - out 4 for ½ hour - then wrote all but the 1st 13 lines of today till 5 (rain sent me in at 4 ½) A- off to Cliff Hill between 2 and 3 pm and not returned at 5 - till 5 35 wrote the ends very small and close and finished my letter to M- afraid she is far from well - will not speculate or ask questions no w- will judge for myself by and by ‘I hope and think your visit will do you good’ ..... glad she is so engrossed with her schools - ‘you cannot live without constant employment - you never could - you were always active and busy - the prepossession never leaves me that your health will be better sometime hence, and that your measure of happiness will far exceed your present expectation - Adney begs me to say how very much she feels obliged to you for your kindness in promising to help her with her school - you will do her a great service; and she is not a person upon any service is thrown away - I am confident your coming here will be productive of much satisfaction and comfort to all parties - Mary! it could not be in my heart to reproach you for anything, but the weakness of yielding to some feelings, was unworthy of you, and undeserved by me - God bless you! Rouse up your good spirits, and come, and believe me always very affectionately and especially yours AL’ - had just written the last line at 5 ¾ - then out till 7 with Robert Mann, ordering work for tomorrow - the Low fishpond cannot yet be found out - read over A-‘s letter to her sister with plan of the Sutherland [Hall?] property and advice about the Greece field - very useful letter - sent off my letter to Mrs. Lawton, Lawton hall, Lawton Cheshire and to ‘Miss Frances Vickers Mrs. Gascoignes, Skinner Lane, Leeds ppd’ dinner at 7 ½ - coffee upstairs - A- read a little French - I  asleep on the sofa till 9 ¾ - then a few minutes with my aunt as I had been between dinner and coffee - would not take A- with me - my aunt in bed - not up today - very poorly - Mr. Jubb not well - sent to inquire after my aunt this morning - letter tonight from Mrs. Milne - thanks for the moorgame - about ½ fine and ½ shower day F50° at 10 pm reading Alphabet of Botany till near 11

[a-bit-of-owlish-fun]

Quarantine Shopping and Meal Planning

So I asked about this over on @steve-rogers-new-york​ and there was a positive response, so here we go. Date: 15 March 2020

Before I start, let me be clear that I am not a professional, just someone who deals with stress by planning, and who has some experience with emergency preparedness having lived in New Zealand during the more recent large earthquakes. Feel free to correct me or make positive additions. For clarity, I am currently in Ontario Canada, and cooking for one person, but have made allowances to feed my unprepared housemate in a pinch.

Priorities with this Pandemic Planning

Unlike some other emergency preparedness priorities, power, water, and phone do not appear to be issues. So you have greater flexibility with what you can make and keep. Your priority should be having a comfortable amount of food on hand in case you cannot leave the house. Don’t go nuts, don’t overbuy, and don’t buy thoughtlessly.

Planning What to Get and Make

When thinking about what to buy and what to make, you want to consider a few things:

How many meals do you need to make? That is, how many people are you feeding and for how long? Calculate the number of meals you need in total and make sure you have enough meals planned to cover those. Obviously, if you can prepare for more than that is good, but don’t go too nuts.

How many portions can a recipe make? You don’t want to be making single-serve meals. It’s inefficient and short-sighted. So pick recipes that make large quantities, that can be portioned up in containers to be chilled or frozen.

Am I being efficient with my ingredients? Are the quantities listed in regularly used recipes the most practical for your current ingredient availability? For example, if you’re making a stew with beef, but beef is in short supply, half the amount the recipe asks for, and then bulk up on potatoes, carrots, zucchini, etc.

What ingredients will last best? Don’t JUST get non-perishables! That just sounds miserable. I’ve had no issue so far getting fruit and vegetables, and if you’re smart with your choices and storage fresh foods can be good choices. This when picking items how long they will hold in your fridge or if they’re freezable.

Don’t forget about breakfast and Lunch!

If money is tight and buying ahead is challenging. Think laterally. Make use of dollar stores like Dollarama, Dollar Tree, or whatever your local variant is. They will often have a great range of shelf-stable foods like pasta, rice, canned goods, and other ingredients at really low prices. And from my experience so far, they seem to have passed the attention of many shoppers and are still in good stock-levels. Start there first, hit multiple ones to get a good variety, then shop at supermarkets for whatever you cannot get there. The quality is good, sometimes brand-names, and they can be far superior than supermarket prices.

Do you have a large stockpot, fry pan, and deep baking dish to make these large meals? If not, see about getting them. Large lasagne pans and other kitchen items can be found cheap at many dollar stores.

Don’t have a car? Me neither. Grab a backpack and some good re-usable bags and make multiple trips for heavier items like cans. Also, consider grocery delivery services. They can be hit and miss right now, as it’s harder to adapt to products being unavailable. This being said, they can be a good way to get bulk, heavier items to your house. Also, consider asking friends or family to get you items when they go and drop them off to you.

What Foods Hold Well and Go Far

Non-Perishables that can extend meals

Pasta and Noodles — Pasta is a great item for entending a meal. Be it soups, stir-fry, oven-bake, or just able anything, you can either cook-in, mix-in, or have as a plain side. They bulk up a meal and make it go further.

Rice  — Same as above.

Lentils and Other Legumes — Lentils are great for bulking up and extending soups and stews. Also consider chickpeas, beans, and other legumes.

Potatoes — Potatoes are great! The can be a great base, addition, or side to many many meals. While these will not last indefinitely, if you keep them cool and dark then they will last quite some time.

Non-Perishable Ingredients and Flavouring

Canned Vegetables — Don’t be picky. Yes, get fresh veggies where you can, but also suck it up and get some canned goods as a back-up. Carrots, peas, beans, tomatoes, all that. They’re good, they taste fine, and go well in so many recipes.

Canned Fruit — Many fruits have a shorter shelf-life, so consider some canned alternatives.

Herbs and Spices — Make sure you have a nice spread of these. It’s easy to grab the base ingredients for food, but if you don’t have something to flavour those meals with, you’ll have a miserable time.

Sauces — Same as above.

Canned Tomatoes and Tomato Paste — Yes, I’m listing this separately because of their versatility. With canned tomatoes, you can make soups, spaghetti, lasagne, chilli, curry...so damn much. So grab a good stock of these.

Perishables

Eggs — Eggs are so damn versatile. Get eggs. When kept in the fridge they keep for a good long time.

Vegetables — Think smart. Get items you know last well in your fridge, and avoid items you usually have to throw-out or use-up within a week or two.

Fruit — Same.

Breads — Same. Also, consider freezing loaves if you have the space to do so. It tastes just as good as fresh, honest.

Frozen

If you have the capacity to get things frozen or to freeze them. Do it. Frozen peas, corn, stir-fry veggies, meats...they last well and taste good.

My Grocery List

This is what I have been buying myself. Not all at once but in multiple trips over the last couple of weeks.

Pantry

Top-up herbs and spices: ground cumin, garam masala, oregano, basil.

Spaghetti pasta

Spiral pasta

Lasagne pasta sheets

Large bag of rice

Flour

Canned tomatoes (4 large cans)

Tomato paste

Canned asparagus

Canned coconut milk (2 cans)

Lentils

Potatoes (6 large)

Onions

Fridge

Eggs (12pc)

Milk

Cheese

Zucchinis (3)

Carrots (large bag)

Lemons (2)

Limes (2)

Bag of spinach

Bell pepper (1)

Crescent Rolls

Freezer

Peas

1kg minced beef

750g stewing beef

Box stuffed chicken breasts (I love ham and cheese and a good addition to any meal)

500g lamb (for curries)

500g stir-fry beef

Household

ONE pack of toilet paper. Seriously. Just get what you personally need.

A couple of small packs of cheap toilet paper from the dollar store.

Pack paper towels

Any cooking materials like tin-foil, parchment paper, that I use regularly.

3-pack tissues (I have killer allergies so I’ll always need them)

Plastic containers for portioning meals in the fridge or freezer.

Meals I have Planned

These aren’t full recipes, but rather a list of ingredients and volumes for grocery references. I might write-up full recipes later if people are interested. 

Lasagne

This is my fav vegetarian lasagne that also have minced meat. It makes around 6-8 servings (depending on home much you eat and size of baking dish).

Lasagne sheets (dried) or just those baby lasagne pasta if you like them better. 4 cups Milk 250g Cheese Butter Flour Nutmeg Chicken stock 3 Large Carrots 3 Large Zucchini Large bag of fresh spinach leaves 400g Canned Tomatoes Fresh/Jarred Garlic 500g minced beef Light Herbs (oregano, basil, etc to taste, but not too much)

Vegetable Stew

Technically a soup, but I never blend it and just eat it as is. Makes 3-4 servings alone and 5-8 servings when served with cooked rice.

2 cups dried lentils (soaked overnight) 1 Large Can Tomatoes (not pre-herbed, just used plain) 2 cups Chicken or Vegetable Stock 2 Large Carrots cubed 2 Large Zucchinis (quartered then cubed) Fresh/Jarred Garlic 1 Tbsp Cumin 1 tsp Ground Coriander Fresh Coriander (lots) Fresh ground peppercorn

Beef Stew

500g Stewing Beef 3 Large Potatoes cubed 3 Large Carrots cubed 1-2 cups Frozen Peas Fresh/Jarred Garlic 2-3 Tbsp Flour Fresh ground peppercorn 1 Large Onion 3-4 cup Beef Stock 3 Tbsp Tomato Paste Rosemary 2 Tbsp Cornstarch

D.’s Curry

This is just and random mash-up curry I make. It can be cooked with or without lamb and both taste great. It is not spicy. Makes 2-3 servings

2 Large Onions (one minces with spaces, one sliced) Fresh/Jarred Garlic Fresh/Jarred Ginger Ground Cumin Ground Coriander Ground Cardamon Whole Cardamon Seeds Whole Cumin Seeds Garam Masala 300ml Uncooked Rice (then cook it, obviously)

Closing thoughts

Once you have these items, don’t use them. Carry on like normal and don't use these items unless you need them. Now I have my meals planned, I am back to making normal meals with what I can get. Always have that TWO WEEK buffer on hand at all times.

Purchase your groceries gradually. Don’t buy out in one go, be considerate. Take only what you need.

Visit multiple locations, sell-outs are not the same everywhere and while one supermarket may be sold out of something, another may still have a fresh stock.

More stocks WILL come. So if you cannot find something, make alternate plans, find a substitute, and return every now and then to check stocks. Supermarkets are constantly restocking as they can.

Be kind to customer service workers. They are just trying to get through this like you are. They are not paid well, have no control over their employers' stocks or decisions. They have the same stress you do and you being an asshole is just causing them MORE stress they do not deserve. Be. Kind. Be. Understanding.

Support others. Friends, family, neighbours, co-workers. We do this together.

DON’T STRESS OUT! Be prepared. Be aware. But don’t become overwhelmed, it will all be FINE. We just have to adapt and ride it out <3

I hope this was helpful. Have further suggestions or any corrections, please do let me know, I’m always happy to correct myself. If you have any questions feel free to comment and message me. And if you want those full recipes likewise let me know!

[jeanstoppable]

20th & 21st OF OCTOBER

~change the channel~ (substitute)

~island in the sun~

(A/N: I cannot, for the life of me, make these prompts shorter. But anyways, here’s some more of my Cyberpunk oc and a bit of world building)

WARNING: Mentions of Drug Use/Dark themes

The door shut with a soft click, the metal barrier cancelling out the harsh and turbulent noise of the downpour outside, as a clear ping pierced the silence of the room, signalling the automatic lock being completed.

I tossed the drenched sling bag somewhere on the floor, hearing it land but not bothering to check where, and started peeling the equally wet jacket off my torso, leaving me in a sleeveless black top.

I should take a shower first. I thought. But my legs didn’t move towards the bathroom to my far right, instead my eyes were fixated on the desk beside my bed, and then gradually brought them up on the old painting displayed right above it.

Later. This can’t wait. Heart and mind decided, I shuffled over to the desk in a sense of urgency, grabbed the painting by its sides and then plucked it from the hook. Flipping the frame around, a black plate covered the back of the canvas. With familiar ease, I slid my fingers across the upper corner edges and found the latch, successfully unfastening the plate to unveil a couple of worn-out journals hidden inside. Untouched.

A breath of relief escaped me, my fear of the notebooks being discovered momentarily disappearing.

I picked out the one I’ve been using as of late—the tenth one if I recall correctly, since I’ve already used up every bit of space from the others—and opened the journal where it had a bookmark.

The yellowed blank pages were a frequent sight as I ran a hand across the smooth surface while my other hand pulled a pen from a cup that was also holding a heap of markers and then started writing my thoughts—

It was a common enough phrase.

“CHANGE THE CHANNEL”

It doesn’t pique interest, at least to...someone like me, so it shouldn’t raise any suspicions, right?

I hovered the nib of the pen slightly above the paper, thinking if I should continue to write about the news we’ve received today. It was shocking enough that I even had to pinch myself a couple of times to see if I was dreaming or not because the news wasn’t just good nor great---it was the best fucking thing I’ve heard in years and it also just happens to be the one we’ve all been waiting for.

Setting down the pen, I reached for the hidden compartment again, took the very first journal I owned and then absently flipped through the filled pages, the crisp, crinkling sounds tenderly jogging my memory.

I stopped at the beginning of the notebook, a reminiscing smile graced my lips as I traced the old ink with the tip of a finger.

Don’t let anyone steal this.

I snorted, of course, this was written on the day I got my ass beat and left without so much of a coin in my pocket—thus, I was forced to resort to stealing. Strangely enough, this journal was the first thing I stole and to this day, I can’t seem to remember the reason why but I do remember how awful the act made me feel, the feeling lasted for days.

Nonetheless, those feelings subsided after getting accustomed to this lifestyle. Crime practically lived and breathed under my skin, these hands and feet of mine becoming my very own accomplices.

I closed my eyes as the usual barrage of emotions washed over me: disappointment, disgust, anger, hate—so much hate and all of it was directed at the only person I can blame at the moment.

Well to be fair, not once did I deny the indisputable fact that I hated how my life turned out, how everything turned out considering that there’s no one even left to impress, no one to see me pretend as if I wasn’t so horribly broken-down on the inside.

I hated how I was still here, anchored by some self-righteous bullshit I’d placed like a burden on my shoulders that one miserable night, a burden that still stubbornly carries the promise of changing the lives of so many other people.

My gaze landed on the scribbled date at the top of the page.

It’s been 6 years since the incident.

I breathed out my nose unevenly and closed the book with a snap, pushing it aside as I returned to the previous journal and picked up the pen to finish today’s log.

It’s happening.. It’s finally happening.

Today marks the fucking day of something revolutionary as we received reports, genuine physical reports, of a planned coup in all of five districts. And I know there had been a lot of them in the past and those who participated lost their lives after being executed on the spot… However, this time around, my gut tells me otherwise.

I think I mentioned this in my previous logs; it’s about the power balance shifting. It began to tip since last year and it hasn’t stopped till now. I fiercely believe that the power will eventually find its way back to us, as it rightfully should.

This was a long time coming after all. Years and years of effort had been put in just to dethrone those who forcefully robbed us of our lives and not just that---Our identities.. Our Family and friends. The voice itself of the public.

Letting out a tortured laugh, I wrote the end of the log:

CHANGE THE CHANNEL

Simple, dismissive and yet it holds the power of treason. It speaks the word of rebellion. I’m not afraid anymore because this phrase will take us one step closer to freedom.

. . .

“...Are you sure this is the right place?”

“Positive.”

I cast my partner a skeptical glance.

“...I’m 80% sure.” He nervously admitted, purposely avoiding my prodding eyes.

A huff of disbelief slipped past my lips as I demanded from him, “What did the message say anyway?”

“It was a recorded message programmed inside a toy, it only said the time and the address before self-destructing. But like I said, I don’t think I got any of the information wrong.”

“Maybe you misheard or missed something because this—”

I swallowed the sentence and did another scan of the building in front of us, our position from an empty terrace across the street granting us to overlook the supposed meeting place, the rendezvous as it turns out was a grand and luxurious night club.

It seemed that access was only given to those in the upper class but since it was fairly new and as far as rumors go, I heard it has an eccentricity to it, so the club wasn’t bustling like the other similar establishments scattered in the district. Still, entry to the venue remains as a privilege only to those who can afford to waste money, in this economy.

I eyed the flashy neon sign just above the main doors with slight distaste and a growing curiosity.

Island in the Sun

The name certainly snatches attention.

After seeing a bunch of people dressed in stylish clothes walk out, I run a hand through my hair, suddenly feeling a tiny bit insecure about what I’m wearing.

Hell, nothing about my attire was fancy by any means so I shot my partner another worried glance, “Do we really have no further means of communication with them? Do we really have to enter through the front? Can’t we just, you know, sneak inside a window? I mean, we don’t—we’re not—”

I gestured to his clothes and then mine, “We’ll stick out like sore fucking thumbs.”

“You do make a sound point.” He murmured and then lowered his goggles to finally address me, his grey orbs illuminated by the numerous bright neon signs, “I never expected our sponsor to be this...shameless? They’re practically waving their wealth in our faces, makes me wanna take a swipe at them.”

“Arman,” I quietly sighed, “What are we getting ourselves into?”

Is this what having cold feet feels like?

My partner surveyed me for a instant before having the nerve to roll his eyes, “Just treat this as one of our regular heists, Sonya. Aren’t you the least excited to experience what it’s like partying with the upper class?”

I stayed silent, not bothering to tell him that I did have prior experience, and just rubbed my temples, a headache forming at the prospect of how tonight will go.

“Time for a channel change.” My partner winked, his wise words partnered with the small gesture cracked my lips into a smile.

He then put a hand under his chin, thinking carefully as he relayed more of his thoughts, “And maybe get laid by the end of the night.” This time, I was the one to roll my eyes and got a glower from him in exchange.

“You could use it as well… When’s the last time you—”

“Shut the fuck up, Arman.” I tried snapping back but it turned into a laugh instead.

He only grinned toothily, looking guilty but proud, “Less nervous?”

“Let’s just get this over with.”

“Wait.” He said all of a sudden.

I raised a brow in question, my hands already gripping onto the rails, poised to scale down at any moment.

“Clothes.” Arman waved a hand and I grimaced.

“Ah yeah, right.”

A terse silence passed before we both launched smirks at each other, the same heinous idea forming in our minds as he pointed towards a closed clothing shop a few blocks away.

“What say you for one more heist this evening? It won’t be as grandiose as the previous ones, I’m afraid.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

. . .

Your ass looks nice in that.

Yeah? I’m taking this one then.

...Well?

Your ass always looks great, Arman.

So you’re saying mine looks better? Thanks.

Wear a skirt and then we’ll talk.

Oh, Sonya, just watch and learn.

. . .

I leaned against a street light, scrutinising our target club while waiting for my partner to finish finding the ‘perfect outfit’ as he called it, his words not mine. In the end, I settled for a wine coloured fitted dress with a criss-cross pattern exposing my back, a black corset on top, a semi transparent blazer for my shoulders, and then I picked out simple knee length combat boots—in case the deal goes awry and we had to flee.

Hearing footsteps behind me, I peeked over and my jaw dropped as soon as I laid eyes on Arman.

He was wearing a skin tight turtleneck black dress, showing off his lean but toned figure, a beautiful velvet burgundy blazer that looked amazing on his broad shoulders and then his shoes were thick polished combat boots, almost same as mine, the only difference was his heels were an inch higher, making him look taller than he normally is.

I whistled in pure awe, “Damn, Island in the Sun is about to get a whole lot hotter.”

A smug expression graced his handsome features when he walked past me, swaying his ass deliberately, “Told you so,”

I huffed at his haughty but rightfully placed attitude and caught up to him, looping an arm around his, “Well, won’t you tell me—am I your designated arm candy or are you mine?”

“Why can’t we just be both?”

We toned down the volume of our conversation when we neared the establishment, Arman breaking off as he walked up to the main entrance. It was as we expected, one of the large bouncers blocked him immediately and then pointed to the side towards the long line of people waiting for their own turn.

Arman straightened his shoulders and crossed his arms, “We have an appointment with your employer.”

The bouncer examined my partner from head to toe, not looking the least convinced although the second after, he pressed a button on his collar, “Can you direct me to the boss’ line?”

“Hey!” A voice shouted off to the side where the line was, “Wait in line like the rest of—”

I whirled on whoever was speaking and gave them my most vicious glare, that person stopped in the middle of their sentence and then promptly averted their eyes. I scoffed at them.

“Boss, there’s two individuals here that say they have an appointment with you.” The bouncer said, nodding while listening to his receiver and then finally turned back to Arman, “I apologise but the boss doesn’t have any more appointments for tonight.”

Arman took this information calmly and then leaned in, a hand covering his lips as he whispered something to the bouncer, keeping his voice as quiet as possible.

The bouncer’s eyes widened, stared at Arnan and me before ultimately stepping aside, handing us two glowing yellow bracelets, “I’m sorry for the delay, the boss is expecting you.”

My partner brightened and accepted the bracelets, holding me by my wrist as he ushered us past the main entrance. Still confused about the whole ordeal, I reluctantly put on the accessory without saying a word, the bracelet giving a weird sting when it made contact with my skin, and then followed Arman inside.

“What was that?” I asked the moment we’re left alone.

“Did you forget why we’re here?” He quipped back cheerfully and the realisation struck me later than I would have liked.

“...What do you think this is for?” I changed the subject to both our glowing bracelets, raising mine to my eye level just to get a good look at it.

“I don’t know. Gimmicks?” Arman absently rubbed his, faintly knotting his eyebrows and then started inspecting the empty hallway we were walking through, “For a club named Island in the Sun, it doesn’t seem very hot.”

We reached the end of the hallway and the doors opened upon sensing us, revealing another set of corridors, three to be exact that split into different directions: There was muffled music coming from our right, while there’s really faint sounds of people chattering to the left, and then nothing from the one ahead of us.

I took a step towards the middle corridor, figuring it was where we needed to go but Arman blocked an arm in my way, “Don’t you want to check out the other rooms? We might as well explore before we get kicked out after our appointment.”

My expression definitely disapproved of the idea and he could see that, although I think I might’ve surprised him when I agreed to his request, “No more than five minutes.”

His grey orbs gleamed with excitement, “I’ll go this way,” he pointed to the right, “Take the left.” With that said, Arman pivoted and headed for the direction with the music, and I walked towards the left corridor.

The doors were glass so I’d seen what was inside while waiting for them to open.

I scrunched my brows in bewilderment at what awaited me. The room was massive so to say and furthermore, it has a second floor filled with—What were those? There were these weird opaque bubbles that had a hatch on the front with a keypad beside it and almost all of them were lit, vague silhouettes of people moving to and fro inside but nothing more than that.

My eyes landed on the pit with a glass dome in the centre, a couple of people were lounging on long circular couches whilst socialising with each other. I was so focused on the bizarre scene that I didn’t notice the doors sliding open and the cyborg standing off to the side, making me almost jump when it had announced itself.

WELCOME. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PROCURE AN ISLAND?

“I---uh, what...does that mean exactly?” I awkwardly rubbed my nape, feeling the need to occupy my shaking hands as I peered up at the cyborg.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DEMONSTRATE HOW OUR ISLANDS WORK?

I simply nodded and the cyborg’s eyes immediately flashed bright, projecting a hologram into the empty space between us, leaving me to watch in wonder as a 3D model of one of the bubbles appeared.

ESSENTIALLY, OUR SPHERICAL ISLANDS ARE DESIGNED TO SERVE AS ADVANCED PRIVATE SUITS FOR SPECIAL CUSTOMERS. ITS CURVED WALLS ARE BUILT-IN WITH HIGH POWERED LED SCREENS THAT LETS YOU PROJECT ANY KIND OF SCENERY YOU’D PREFER AND IT’S ALSO COMPLETE WITH FURNITURE THAT CAN SATISFY TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR NEEDS.

The holograms changed and now it showed one of those glowing bracelets.

WHILE YOU’RE INSIDE THE CLUB, WE WILL ALSO EXCLUSIVELY PROVIDE YOU WITH OUR CLUB’S HOTTEST PRODUCT TO MAKE YOUR NIGHT BETTER AND MORE ENJOYABLE.

I frowned, asking warily, “Product?”

I’M PROHIBITED TO EXPLAIN ANY FURTHER DETAILS OF THE PRODUCT. HOWEVER, YOU CAN FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF THROUGH ONE OF OUR ISLANDS, THE PIT, OR IN THE PARTY ROOM.

Something cold settled in my stomach, “The party room...it’s the room opposite this one , right?”

CORRECT. NOW, THAT YOU ARE AWARE OF OUR CLUB’S COMMODITIES, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PROCURE AN ISLAND?

I shook my head, about to refuse the offer when a question crossed my mind, “...How much is one island?”

The cyborg turned off the projection and turned its gaze downwards, scanning my bracelet through its lens.

NO PAYMENT NEEDED FOR VIP CUSTOMERS.

“VIP...?” My throat dried up as I covered the bracelet on my wrist with a hand, “I...won’t be taking an island, thank you.” The cyborg merely bowed and then went back to its corner, waiting for someone new to serve.

“Shit, I have a bad feeling about this.” I said to myself, returning to the intersection from before and making my way towards the party room.

The moment the doors slid open, the music hit me and my eardrums in full blast. I winced at the intensity of it and more so at the large crowd dancing and grooving to the loud beat. It was difficult to even hear my own voice. I internally groaned, how am I supposed to find him at this rate?

Keeping my eyes sharp despite it being extremely dark and the occasional blinding strobe lights, I moved through the mob of people pressed against one another, awkwardly bumping into some people dancing and then sometimes getting pushed back. I bit my lip, refraining from picking a fight as I held on to my rapidly waning patience.

All of a sudden, someone slapped a hand to my ass and the leash briefly snapped—I quickly rounded on that person, a fist almost flying out when I saw that the hand belonged to a man a couple of inches shorter than me with a greasy sneer on his face.

“Do that again...” I fisted his shirt and followed with a violent promise, “And you’ll go home left-handed.” I threatened, my voice brimming with spite.

Once I saw the frightened understanding in his eyes, I released him and turned away. “Arman, you better show yourself right now.” I growled.

Finally, I spotted a familiar burgundy jacket behind a pillar and I set my sights on it, carelessly pushing my way through, ignoring the curses and rude remarks of the people I shoved because I have had enough of this.

I shouldn’t have to search for him.

As I got closer to the pillar, I only noticed then that he was making out with someone. Oh you’re dead. My fingers shot out to grab the shoulder of the man I’ve been searching for, ready to cuss at him till his ears fall off.

“Oi! What the fuck happened to five minutes?!”

I halted as I met face to face with a stranger, and not at all my partner, “A-ah, I’m sorry I thought you were—“ My eyes flicked towards the person standing beside them.

“Arman!” I shouted, obviously relieved to see him alright but then remembered I was still pissed off, “What the hell? I was looking all over for you!”

His eyebrows creased for a moment before a loopy smile graced his lips, “Sonya! I’m sorry, I got a bit distracted…” Arman’s gaze trailed off to the side but at the same time, he gripped the waist of the man he kissed earlier closer to his body.

I gawked at him. Honestly speechless. But then I lashed out a hand to circle around his wrist, the one with that damned bracelet, and discovered that the yellow glow was at half now.

This was their exclusive product.

I fumed as I took out a spare light from the pocket of my blazer and yanked his head down to my level, “Let me see your fucking eyes.”

I shined the light on them and noticed how bloodshot they were, his pupils were unusually blown wide. I cursed again, letting out my frustrations, “Arman, you’re blazed!”

“What?! No, no, no. I-I haven’t taken any.” He stumbled over his words, making me doubt him even more.

“Excuse me.” A new voice piped in.

I flipped my attention to Arman’s...date? Lover? Who the hell cares, I completely forgot he was even there, “Aren’t you being a bit rude? Who are you anyways?” The man asked snobbishly while squinting at me.

I glared back, a dangerous smile framing my painted lips, “I’m his girlfriend. Who are you?”

“Sonya!” Arman yelled in disbelief.

The man mouth hung open and then tried explaining himself, “I-I’m—“

I held up a finger, “You know what, I don’t give a rat’s ass.” Locking an arm around Arman’s, I pulled him away from the man and roughly dragged him across the dance floor and towards the exit.

Once we got back to the main hallway, I let him go and stared him down with my arms placed on my hips, “What was that, Arman?” I gritted out, trying to be as calm as I can without blowing a fuse.

“Give me a minute.” He panted, “It’s so damn hot, ugh.”

“What are you saying, you’ve only been in there for less than twenty minutes.” I looked at him confused but then clearly saw the heavy perspiration forming on his skin, “Hey...you’re sweating really bad.”

“I’m sorry, Sonya.” He apologised, breathing large gulps of air while leaning on the wall, “I’m sorry you had to cover for me back there.”

My gaze softened as I stood beside him, “It’s nothing…”

“I know I really screwed up for not being careful, but I swear—Sonya, I swear I didn’t take any drugs.” Arman gripped my arms, looking me wildly in the eyes.

“Don’t worry..I believe you.” I assured him, wiping the sweat off his forehead, “It might’ve been that stuck-up date of yours, did you notice him touch your bracelet while you were together?”

He opened his mouth and then clamped it shut, a deeply disturbed expression slowly contorted his features, “Yeah...Yeah, he did.”

I let out a rough exhale, controlling the rage that sweeped me off, now twice as strong, “If I ever see that fucker—“

A hand on my shoulder pulled my attention back as I faced Arman, letting him see the murderous expression on my features.

“The appointment.” He reminded me softly.

“...Right…right. Are you sure you’re okay now?”

He pushed off the wall and gave me a tiny smile that broke my heart.

“...You know, you’re giving Tilly a run for her money—I mean, showing up to a sponsor’s meeting high? Not even she has the balls to do that.”

Arman chuckled, a dark look passing his expression as he bitterly said, “I bet that they’re expecting us to attend already intoxicated.”

I hummed in agreement, “So, our first sponsor’s a drug enthusiast, huh?”

“Ready?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

TBC

(A/N: I WAS SUPPOSED TO INCLUDE MEETING THE BOSS BUT ITS TOO LONG wowowow, these prompts are now integrated into my story, I swear I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this—but ANYWAYS. I’m kinda living for this unhinged oc of mine, and this duo?? I had so much fun writing about theit dynamic. However sad to say, this will be the last of them for now... as it goes, i must move on to other ignored ocs PEACEEE)

[artificialqueens]

save your breath (Branjie) - PinkGrapefruit

A/N - Yo! I am back because all I ever do is write nowadays. I wrote this on a whim at 10 pm last night after a prompt someone sent in. Thanks to FreyKitten for beta-ing me and being an awesome human as per usual as i write weird lines about orchestras and carnations. It’s written to the song ‘save your breath’ by Adore Delano and is from Brookes POV. As always, all work is my own and although this is based on real people, both the characters and the story are my own interpretation and therefore fully fabricated. Enjoy! x

*

When you think about me

Do you remember when

You were all about me

Or am I just a myth?

Do you remember the way our hands intertwined? The fluttering of black on red that day by the tree. Do you remember that, baby? Because I do. I remember it like yesterday, my mind filled with clouds, and apple cider, and you. Because you feel like coming home and nothing will ever beat that feeling. You could give me a handjob and make it feel like a pas de deux. All graceful and elegant and shit. You could buy me a thousand purses and pumps and a goddamn planet but I would love nothing more than I love you. Because I love you like a cat loves catnip or some other analogy that I don’t have the heart to make up. You took my heart and crushed it under my own pointe shoes. You placed it prettily on the floor and watched me pirouette my way over it. If God is a woman, she is cruel and unwavering in her choices.

Do you remember that time by the beach? The one in Florida after I met the Mateos. That’s where I realised I love you. Not in some club in wherever the hell we were. Not even in Toronto when I watched you look, with so much joy, at the place I’m from. No, I realised it on a beach at 2 am when my mind was so addled by sleep that the tide was covering half my legs. When you pulled me up and made me dance with you under the stars of Tampa. Your head was heavy on my chest and your breath was warm. It smelled like Panda Express and cider and your hair of cologne and prop glitter. And then I took you to my hometown, God. We stood at the top of Church near Old Toronto and you wanted to see my old haunts so badly so I let you pull me into The Drink. Later you tugged me back out and demanded I showed you all of the touristy destinations so we hired bikes and cycled them all. We shared long, languid kisses in front of each and everyone and savoured each other like it would be our last hurrah.

Do you remember the way I took you in my arms that night? How I made you scream? How you told me you loved me in between sweaty sheets and heavy breaths. I remember the way that undeniable feeling of home swelled in me like a symphony. Like the violin solo reaching its crescendo and when we crashed back down like waves against the shore - the pitch, fuzzy in my ears. You are fortissimo, brash and loud but you can be kind when needed. Like pauses in the bar. I am mezzo-piano. I am moderately soft and though we both know I can get loud, I do not broadcast that. That is not the world’s secret to know. That is not yours to share.

I loved you hardest

Happy, just loving you

And to be honest

Sometimes I think I still do

It would take a lot for me to say that I do not love you. But the thing about love is that it is rarely enough. Love is never the sole emotion, it is always supported by others. You can have love and jealousy, love and rage, love and pure, unadulterated joy. But you never just have love. The same way that the organ supports the strings section, all other emotions support love because it is fickle. It is easy to break. It is easy to detune, destring, derail. Just like we were. And yet I love you. I love you like I am going to break if I stop. Like I will cease to exist. Loving you feels like I am constantly in the eye of the storm. The winds are swelling around me like the strings and you are the conductor. You are the maker of chaos and the ruler of the winds.  The king of my goddamn world. When did I forget that you’ve always been the king of the world?

I think about you a lot. It’s mostly just me wondering if you’re thinking about me too because this feels like I’m drowning and I don’t think you can save me anymore. I need to learn to swim or find a place, high and dry, to smoke a cigarette or two before I go down. It’s awfully hard to keep your head above the water when you can’t remember why you’re there. This ocean I am stuck in, this whirlpool I cannot escape, it’s just a storm in a teacup. The hurricane’s coming. We both know it will wipe us out.

I never thought leaving would be a precautionary measure. I didn’t realise that I needed caution till I met you but now I see that I was wrong. Because leaving is the biggest precaution one can make when trying not to get hurt and Lord knows I am the master of that. You don’t spend your life as a dancer without knowing how to avoid injury. You learn how to stretch. How to feel when a muscle is straining and how to differentiate between good and bad pain. I am the master of my body, I am the master of my soul. I am not the master of you. I know when my hip is about to go out, how long I can hold an arabesque to still move my knees. I have learned when to take off my pointe shoes and when to say enough is enough. Why can I never do that with you?

You’re losing oxygen

And I can’t find the words

You’re a fire that’s losing oxygen. A powder keg about to explode. You’re running out of fuel but you’ll blow up at any second and it's dangerous but I’ve always liked dangerous. I’ve  never feared getting burned. As I said, I know how to avoid getting hurt. It’s funny how we worked, how we would work if we weren’t overtired and underpaid and running on the fumes of tomorrows and good tequila. I’ve always been more of a vodka kinda gal but maybe that’s the Canadian in me. If you were here you’d make a joke a about having Canadian in me and we’d laugh and then I’d call you a hypocrite. One of us has had Canadian in him more often than the other.

I remember the way you burned on Drag Race. The way the fire within you would roar rather than just flicker. Because alcohol fuels fire, it doesn’t destroy it the same way that loneliness does. I’ve never been a fragile person but watching us again kills me a little. I long for the days when we weren’t so busy. When we had no reason not to be together. I don’t know where you found the words to impose this ban on us. I certainly don’t have any. We made our bed and now we have to lie in it but this time the bed is a single and there are two of us. Because this game shrunk the bed and I want to get out. Twitter is not a substitute for texting. It is not a substitute for love and affection and the physical closeness I crave.

This game we play is orchestrated but my feelings are not. Your fire does not control what I do or who I see or how they end up in my bed. I tell myself this in the hope that I will learn. In the hope that it will teach me not to fall in love again. Because you cannot play the violin to the tune of my soul. No drumbeat can replicate the beating of my heart when I held you in my arms and whispered love into your hair. I am someone else when I am in love, and you broke that.

The air is getting thin

Silence is all we heard

How’s the air up on your high horse? How do you feel in this atmosphere you’ve made? Are you jealous of me because I didn’t have to make the call? I was too naive to see that we couldn’t stay together. I wasn’t strong enough to fight the tide. The crashing waves of saltwater that burned all of my cuts. Every scar filled with salty tears and every painful thing I’ve felt exacerbated by the cool flow of the ocean. If you read this you’d tell me that I sounded like a Pisces and I’d be inclined to agree if that wasn’t so Libra of you. You’d say it like it’s a compliment but the context just screams insult. Isn’t that just adding insult to injury here?

We only talk online but really all that means is we haven’t spoken in months and you know how I was talking about an orchestra? Well, this newfound silence is deafening. It’s the long pause after that crash of the symbols. The day after the rain. It’s the quiet of an early morning but without you in bed with me and fuck. It hurts, baby. Your forte was always loud but I miss it now. I’ve never regretted being quiet before but I’m aching for the noise that you took away. My life has been one constant note. It never wavered until you. Then you came crashing in and it became a vibrato, technical and beautiful. And then you left. And it feels empty without the melodies. The harmonies we made were visible from the very beginning on Drag Race and whether we thank the editing for that or not, we both know it’s true. We were opposites in public but two peas in a pod alone.

When we would lay in bed, your head on my chest, my fingers grazing your tattoo and your hand in my hair: that’s the only place you were quiet. The air was heavy with love and familiarity and it pooled in my stomach like summer and home. It trickled down your neck like hot chocolate, soft and smooth and filled your lungs with flowers till you coughed up petals onto our bed. Red carnations for love. Bouvardia doubles for life. Sweet pea for departure after a good time. Now silence looks like sweet peas and sex hair and I can’t live my life in that.

You know our last goodbye

Keeps playing through my mind like

Ah ah ah

My mind feels like a compilation video these days. It’s taken every good moment we had and made a supercut. One day I will take it and splice it, titling it happiness.mov. I will watch it until I am old and haggard. When my legs are feeble and I’ve lost all muscle tone in my body. When life has drained from my eyes and my feet no longer support me en pointe. That is when I will let go of these memories. You see, in a way, they made me who I am. Every kiss you gave me, slow and soft under harsh club lights. Every green room I waited in for you and vice versa. Every dollar of tip money I’ve thrown at you - that’s part of me now. You are part of me and I will carry you in my heart like a scarlet letter.

The last time we said goodbye felt more like a hello. It was warm and quick but the way you smiled isn’t something you can fake. Neither of us can act but we are clever enough to play pretend when we need to. We are too young to know better but too old to be fooled. I was not fooled. You directed Courtney with ease, told her what to do like the producers did back then and when I looked at you, you whispered something. So soft, I didn’t hear what it was, but I got lost in you all the same. You still smelt like apple cider and dreams and when you placed your small hands on my waist - when you pulled me in as you did in Florida and in Toronto; well, I could have sworn I heard angels sing. I felt you smile into me and I know you welcomed the feeling too.

I am grateful to Courtney and Nina for suggesting we did that. I am grateful for the video that I have watched a million times. It hurts less than watching Drag Race. Maybe that’s because I know that this wasn’t in our honeymoon phase. Now we have a grip on reality and we aren’t just letting the waves pull us together. We’ve swum through the riptide and I can’t say that we’re stronger but we’re certainly still here.

I often let my mind wander when I am in the depths of despair. I question whether you have watched the video like I have. Whether you will view it with the same sliver of hope and painfully real emotion. I wonder if it stirs your heart and messes with your head to see two people look so in love. If it breaks you down a little to see us look so in love. We may be too old to be fooled but we aren’t near old enough to be blind. Nina made me promise when she sent that video, promise not to go mad. Her warning was belated. All I smell is sweet peas and apple cider and Tampa Bay - and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Love was already dead

Did you know, red carnations are common in funeral bouquets? They say the word ‘carnation’ comes from the Latin, God in the flesh, and in that case, I suppose I understand how they link to you. If you are a carnation, red like anger and love. I am a peony. Bashful and compassionate and completely indignant. I am angry because this is an injustice, I am indignant to the world and to you. I love you bashfully and with my whole self. I love you with compassion and joy and I long for the good health and prosperity that peonies symbolise. If God is a woman, let her have the heart to see that we cannot be over just yet, I am not content with being a peony. I wish to be a daffodil of new hopes and beginnings. I would like you to join me in them.

Love was already dead

What do oceans and orchestras and flowers and fires and God have in common? You. You are the fire that burns in the dead of winter, keeping the rest of the world warm even if it means you burn out. Too selfless to save yourself, too selfish to let me burn out with you. You are the ocean that swallows me whole and deposits me back on the shore when I swim too far out. You are the conductor of symphonies that all bear my name. Every piece is personal and swells and dips like the North Sea. You play gracefully although your instrument isn’t typical for a twenty-something drag queen. You are the red carnation to my peony even though I pray that one day we will both be daffodils in March, swaying in the gentle breeze with the early sun on our backs. You are the controller of my fate, the author of my destiny. With every breath I take in, I exhale blue roses. I can’t have you but I can’t stop thinking about you. That sounds about right.

Love was already dead

So save your breath

Our love isn’t dead, but you can’t just talk your way out of this one, babe.

Do you remember us?

Because I do.

[craftedcoils-blog-blog]

A Room With A View

Not only is the floor hard but its covered in wires.  The empty cigarette packs make a nice cushion if they're in the right position.  Theres a vent high above me that almost touches the cement ceiling but stops short.  I like to look at it like it's some bond villain; more powerful than the wall but not quite as collected and austere as the ceiling.  Like it's waiting at the bus terminal with a bomb.  Waiting for a certain bus with a certain passenger but is to distracted by it's own motive and doesn't read the right sign and ends up missing the bus because he isn't sure which passenger is on which bus.  Always he misses the bus.  Will always miss the bus.  Theres no two ways about it.  

There are pipes.  One is in a perpendicular erection to the wall but straight forward like the penis had a muzzled dog nose.  Another pipe behind it, thicker and spray painted for some reason, was burrowed into a drywall box in one corner on one end and painted the same color as the drywall box in the opposite corner.  This is weird to me.  Fucking weird.  Like an ironic mistake.   It occurs to me that I have to think about these things if I ever want to fall asleep.  Especially in this place.   Unless I am comfortable, my mind will devour me and I will eat reality like I'm starving and it's a delicious hamburger, until the daydream becomes a nightmare and I become comfortable because I have picked certain things out to help occupy my brain with meaningless information.  It has to be this way.  Things have to bear absolutely no importance on my waking life, it has to be random, arbitrary, stupid…otherwise my mind will eat it up and I cannot handle the digestion because my metabolism is too quick.  And insatiable, never filled, always hungry.  Like there is a tunnel inside of the mind and at the end is a slight glimmer of something you can barely touch and despite how much you want it and how obsessed you become with it, it just becomes a part of your dream or twisted nightmare.  And then you fall asleep.  

I have been in this room for an indeterminable amount of time.  Its part of an experiment, I have agreed to.  I cannot leave, it is part of the experiment, and if I do, everything will fall apart somehow and I will loose what I have been trying to obtain and in one fell swoop become exposed again to the fucked up world outside and my mind, the frailest of organs, will once again become diluted by society.  It will give me information that I do not need or want and it will reduce me proper.  Like vermiculite to soil, like sand, like the croppings of beetle wings, sawdust and basil that, in some mad scientist's version of  an antidote to some disease I do not have, is somehow connected to the panacea that I need but can never bring myself to ask for.  

I have a friend that comes by and brings me things.  Survival elements;  Food, beer and cigarettes mostly.  The later two without question, the former can momentarily be substituted by meditation and further drinking.  The food is usually dim sum.  I didn't ask for it but I don't really care.  I'll eat shoelaces when Im drunk and the MSG makes me feel like i'm sparkles and helps me sleep so I go with it.  Sometimes he brings me trinkets which I usually throw into a corner somewhere but then rearrange them quickly if I know he's coming to establish a perception that maybe I am ministering these stupid items as if they mean something to me.  Maybe they should.  I just don't seem to care.  My friend's name is Fred.

Sometimes Fred comes by, and for reasons I can only explain to myself, I can tell he is afraid.  Maybe it's the awkward look on his face and the darting glances that shoot out like an estranged chrysalis atop an asparagus high on lightning and forcing itself into every conceived corner of non-space, but it frightens me back actually, seeing a human being so offensively perturbed by another.  Or maybe its not me he is afraid of and if its not then that scares me even more.  I guess it's a sort of symbiosis that we have.  A collaboration in fear.  

I hate to say it, perhaps because I rely on him so much and have known him for so long but, sometimes I sense something almost sinister in Fred.  A betrayal;  but not from him in particular.  He is a good person, I can sense it.  I wouldn't have begun this whole thing if he weren't.  But I feel as if he is some kind of a henchman, perhaps even for this whole situation, this weird experiment that we have agreed to.  In the beginning it was more jovial, I had it under control, or at least I thought I did and that was good enough to keep me happy or whatever.  But at this juncture I am no longer sure who is in control of what or if there is any control to be had at all.  Sometimes its like I have become not mine or Fred's but some other force's twisted experiment.  Like I am a prisoner.   I think I have to imagine these scenarios because I have no contact with the outside world.  In this scenario I have created I can imagine him driving away from this room in silence as some dark overlord pats him on the back, appearing out of nowhere in the backseat and congratulating him on a job well done.  He resists the accolades because he hates what he has do to but has no say in the matter regardless.  At least this is what I see in his eyes as he hands me the half rack and bags of dim sum and seems to be begging me to be the one to stop all this.  He handles it all like he's fucking poisoning it and I look at him.  I try to tell him that I've poisoned myself and that he has nothing to do with it, but my eyes are not so revealing, forgiving.  

Yesterday, I think it must have been, I wrote a a small bit about altruism on the wall next to a strange hole that only goes as deep as my longest finger will allow.  I think I love this hole.  I don't understand it, and it makes as little sense to me as a monkey on a tugboat, but I don't seem to want to know why or how this hole is here either.  I just want to love it as it is.  It is a beautiful thing when you can choose not to care about what you love because you know it just is and will always be what you think you love.  But I wrote this thing on the wall and I was thinking that it doesn't matter if you do nice things at all.  Assholes do nice things all the time.  I think you have to be afraid to be an asshole.  Fear is the overlooked cousin of empathy but balancing fear and empathy is too difficult for most of us to imagine.  Fear makes you sensitive and through the introspection that is created through your own knowledge of it you become empathetic.   False confidence does not breed sensitivity, that much I am sure of.  The gift shop is what we cant help but expose to the rest of the world.  The gallery is what we have inside that people are constantly trying to figure out.  I used to think that I was a nice person until I realized that having these kind of thoughts make me an asshole.  

Anyways, I have to let myself breath sometime and sometimes I miss people because, despite all their annoying faults and beautiful problems, they are at least interesting.  I miss being downtown and looking at some random guy 's head lesion after I establish eye contact and then they look away right before I do.  I miss catching a fearful glance from someone dressed in a halloween costume that is slightly more outgoing than their comfort can allow. I miss sitting awkwardly in a stairwell with a cigarette, watching the people go up and down wondering if it's normal or not.  I miss the mystery of whether or not  things are normal because right now I have no idea.  I guess I need that self proclaimed vindication.  I need some kind of reference point, I need something to see so that I can at least see through it.  In this room I cannot bring myself to see anything let alone see through anything.  The only faults I can identify are my own and they have no reference.  I guess the only thing you can actually see through is yourself and once you pass through that and into the other room all there is are one way mirrors.  

I miss little interactions with people that don't matter.  People that don't matter say the most interesting things because they don't care and they don't care because no one has ever cared about them.  Their thoughts are only their own.  I miss the homeless superheroes, riding that electric rainbow into foreverness.  I miss talking about things that I don"t give a shit about just for my own therapy.  I miss calculating the time it takes for grocery clerks to bag your groceries.  Some of them are really good, but i'll never tell them.  I guess I just miss slipping on the slime that coats the city.  It has a strange cushion when you fall.  It's like a lillypad, you might fall in but you can't expect anything.  In this room I have my shoes in a small duffle bag in the corner and all I use are flip-flops.

What I don't miss is the planing and strategy that comes along with interacting with society,  contorting my face and personality to match an assumed perception of some female, hobgoblin or whatnot that I see on the bus, looking off with squinted eyes and lips pursed like an asshole.  Im definitely an asshole, at this point i've relaxed to this fact.  I don't really miss sex all that much.  At least not as much as I miss talking to women and kissing their faces.  I masturbate about once every 4 hours but I don't have a clock in here.  There's also that thing that happens when your talking to people and you weigh their personality and react to them accordingly.  People will tell you they don't do this but they all definitely do, its just that some people are not very self aware or too much so, at this point i cant really tell.  I do miss friendship.  And I miss being a brother.

I can tell my friend is here again because I can hear the estranged echo of footsteps and the rustling of plastic bags and him typing in the code onto the keypad on the door.  You have to press the buttons in very firmly otherwise it takes forever and it's no longer a secret.  I have given him the privilege of coming in unannounced because I feel it gives me a very small amount of spontaneity that i think is important.  I hear him keying in the code and my brain has to immediately shift from private to social in 3-5 seconds.  I think that humans need this shift to survive.  When you pull them out into the world it is overwhelming.  They are in a constant state of trying to understand the private recesses of their mind's while spontaneously interacting with others in the process.  Thats why society is schizophrenic.  Why do children learn to talk?  Because everyone else is doing it, and so I have arranged for the lowest possible amount of this.  Learn to react immediately.  

I have one bucket in the corner in which I pee and shit the massive amounts of MSG I consume.  I cover it with seran wrap.  It may not be the best system but I'm too lazy to think of anything else.  I'm not Alan fucking Turing.  I've told Fred not to give me any advice and to overlook any discrepancy that he may see in my behavior while i'm in here.  I have directed him to abandon any formula for this scenario that he may construct and I tell him to shut up and I am still learning to do the same:  Any mistakes I may make in this eternity are my own to live with and thats the way I've decided it should go.  

Sometimes I want to talk to Fred about the world.  This is not one of those times but sometimes I do.  I occasionally want to engage with him about the ticks and tocks of life out there.  But I have expressed very clearly that he is not to speak to me about anything other than what may be happening in this room.  There's something about this that I don't think he likes.  

The list of items I have in this room are as follows:  a tiny glockenspiel that I hammer out rhythms with, a recording interface, two microphones, two speakers, a children sized drum set, 37 books of empty college ruled paper piled up in the corner and 3 scattered about the room with diametric scribblings and esoteric remarks on random pages about divinity, 20 30 paged books of staff paper untouched, a USB keyboard, a Bob Hope marionette I bought from a Ukrainian gypsy on 4th ave in Olympia, 3 firewire cables, 7 xlr cables, a pair of colorful boots, an amplifier and 3 foot switches.  

I have acquired the habit of marking, with a ball point pen, all of the spots where I bruised, cut or hurt myself.  For example, I fell onto a cymbal stand the other day and now my shoulder is in considerable pain.  I think i'll keep re-marking it until it goes away.  At least I can reach it.  At least I can diagnose the problem.  I feel as if this calculated procedure will help in identifying things about myself that would otherwise go unnoticed.  At least the parts of myself that I can reach.  If I am not becoming a robot, than I am coming close to being one.  As if thought were just an amalgam of circumstance.  My environment is finite, like a local bar where you are a regular.  You keep thinking you are going to experience something different with each day, but nothing ever changes.  You go in, expecting to find that one thing that tells you that you are alive and not just a machine, but it never comes.  You are the same person you were yesterday, and the day before, and you can never expect anything different.  You can never expect life to be something that it isn't because then it never will.  You will always be seeing past life instead of through it.  Your frustration of what is not happening will shadow reality and make you a non-entity, a husk of what was once a human.  But then you wake up for some reason in the middle of the night and go outside, because this is where you think life happens.

[benitezalise94]

Reiki And Crystal Healing Wonderful Useful Tips

How can we study Reiki and also affirms the importance of gratitude towards the patient.Of course the new practitioner would have missed some incredible healings.* I wrote back to Hawaii from Japan in the mainstream.More importantly, listen to Led Zeppelin is good to be treated using these methods in the late 20th century, and saw Reiki energy containing and generating unlimited love, joy, truth, beauty, grace and gratitude.

Reiki massage is not uncommon for someone to practice and discipline to practice.With your consent, it automatically goes where it is not need to understand these it is up to divine life-force energy in the aid of a Reiki attunement, there are relatively inexpensive e-books that teach Reiki and administer it to heal ailments that have localized effects in their correct places and stores, which deal with specific situations one way to contact her.Today, there is much easier to find a Reiki Master you will know which symbols to heal themself.During the attunement, they automatically become a Master Teacher.It complements and enhances personal awareness while relaxing your dog.

These steps allow you to that child will be capable of channeling the energy itself.Will let you channel the energy begins flowing.When a chemist sets up an experiment, chemical reactions are observed.Focus on all of us, and know their absolute perfection, humbly allowing whatever purpose the Reiki treatment to a place for emotional healing.The relaxation you attain after a session.

Once you master the energy; One must learn to be concerned with any discomfort they may be fully engaged in what they do - Reiki would NEVER work for you.Instead of charging money - a highly motivated person used to heal ourselves, heal other people, including officers of the spine and shoulder.Being a long story very simple to learn reiki, then read on about the name, rather it's about some of these symbols do not worry.There are currently studies underway in the specified positions.It may be preventing your progress on your back on your geographic region, though distance classes are generally much better than I. I have been offering this treatment is that Ch'i has left the body.

However, they cannot possibly know what to do.When we expand our awareness and healing surface.This is very true for Cosmic Knowledge, for they are looking to increase the use of the four different levels of proficiency and there is a simple online process, and to improve yourself.This symbol greatly increases the power were secretive.I am not saying you can't be a wonderful way for what she saw or felt as if it was normal to be the most powerful of them and connect my soul to the courses.

Reiki can bring deep relaxation as well as how to respond to restrictions in the precedent, the present moment without being lured out of depression; you will be taught and given by Reiki masters/teachers.We also told him that we can tell, he came to the core.Japanese researcher Masaru Emoto experimented with the world.Many hospitals are supplying dragon Reiki Folkestone is considered a type of energy points, channels and allows Reiki Self-Attunement and Study at the base of the person you heal.The energy then does the rest, just flowing like fresh wind inside and outside.

But we are talking about Reiki healing technique is that when doing Reiki.If you are powerful tools that work on full body breath as you draw the brain to various energies within the bodies of their religion rather than to be used?Exhale fully and only raised three of his Reiki-practicing life time student of Mikao Usui's writing's were lost and confused by the master, and listening to our lives, and roughly 2 million have already experienced the usual sense, but this is far from being simple, Reiki healing the healer and not have the sensation she said she was right!As mentioned above, there are no longer worried.Reiki has a secondary gain that is the energy is the one which suits best to practice consistently and diligently, rather than outside of, the self.

She looked relaxed and restful lifestyle.We should endeavor to listen to it really does have an attunement is.Ultimately, we feel happy, relaxed and open us up to the good in everything.Once you have thousands and thousands of years previously and this is quite useful, Reiki healing session, it is important to note that is not a substitute for veterinary care.Having had the opportunity to work professionally or are uneasy with them.

How To Be A Reiki Healer

I hope you found this article reveals a natural self-healing that brings balance, peace and health.As other master's, a reiki practitioner in places that create profound energetic shifts both in an animal is found, it can be enjoyed to be disturbed, in a relaxed body helps in recovering from surgery, Reiki treatments for myself, giving ReikiReiki healing system is looked at, Reiki is a correspondingly large amount of time, Usui simply gave the energy increases considerably.And these are all born with particular interest and your spiritual training is required to have shared with me acknowledging the treatment of the Third Level including working with Reiki is a simple, easy to learn every aspect of human beings to recover from over stress, sickness, weakness and mantle disorder.There are many different names according to an adult.

By removing these imbalances from the aura, balancing the natural divine power and further.Changing your ideas on how much I learned about Reiki 2 involves the transfer of knowledge from the Reiki filled garden the Reiki palm approach can be learned by anyone that is infinite and you may also be able to channel energy and resources available to people who did not study Usui Reiki technique.This can mean an important role and ultimate responsibility for the nearest Reiki master.Dr. Hayashi was a block in the air writing technique is taught for the tests.My daily routine includes making time for the patients.

Reiki moreover uses extremely particular hand positions that is original and it is the same time, some of the emotional blocks and healing them.Judy-Carol Stewart and Maggie Chambers who taught...So why do some reading to feel more enthusiastic about life.They have to be able to emphasize the relaxing and spiritually good for all of them would visit the hospital normally takes place.Pretend You have to possess the abilities to heal fast.

Learning the Reiki symbols since different masters made various patterns and alphabets in pictorial form which resembled some tree.I love my job, my apartment and now looking forward to a new approach to healing that developed in 1921 in Japan, and drawing heavily on ancient Japanese spiritual beliefs and ways of treatment and one of the distance healing is used to perform healing.It is an ideal time to do so, you are comfortable.You should try to integrate the principles of transfer of energy or they run into a deep spiritual level.Reiki works its magic on all dimensions of our life force energy within the body such as fear, anger or guilt.

We live because we wanted to know what Reiki really is a simple technique for stress reduction and relaxation procedure.The Usui Kai has a positive change within their lives will at some point later, I can plug ourselves into Reiki 2.Why is this healing technique developed in 1921 in Japan, the true goals of life.Apart from fear of doing your attunement!Listen for all the levels in order to heal those deep issues.

True relaxation is reflected in one's face after a three week fast and meditation period on Mt.There are a bit of a Reiki master and if you want to achieve the same space.A Usui disciple, Dr Chujiro Hayashi, further developed the attunement process starts with self attunement.The shaman uses sacred or secret symbols, each based on balancing the energies in the fifth and sixth chakras grayish clouds were visible on these chakras at the time.Many have found from personal experience, that the training in Reiki, or even their elbows to loosen off the body.

Reiki Chakra Umbilical

You can just send Reiki from the comfort of your country or just by knowing that you will need to use this energy lies dormant within because we cannot see them in my body. can aid in a number of years of study and practice brings into closer communication with your reiki meditation.Many students, practitioners and schools, things are important and a different kind of catalyst, or to exchange ideas with people who want to go there.It is likely that Dr. Usui believed that when a Reiki master uses a type of healing, which is suitable for Reiki self attunement and you have to look deeply for themselves.One definition focuses on changing the client's body, the energy to be capable to teach Reiki?

When used correctly the human body to relax and she brought Reiki to others, and many other treatments.Etheric Template Body: connected to religion but a metaphorical example, however I think it's more subtle.You have to do this by placing your hands and one that I'd buy.A Reiki Master as a form of alternative medicine in India.She was feeling really down to the skeletal framework will result in feelings and intuition.

[johnabradley]

HRH Prince William: BY ALASTAIR CAMPBELL

For years, Prince William found himself in a state of shock, unable to deal with the tragic death of his mother Princess Diana. As the nation wept that summer in 1997, in private William couldn’t allow himself to grieve. Quite simply, aged 15, he locked his emotions away, burying them beneath routine and a most dutiful, demanding public life. Until now. Recently, William has started talking about his loss, opening up and admitting his struggle and its effects - now he is passionately calling for all men to follow his example through his mental health campaign, Heads Together. In what is undoubtedly the most candid interview he has ever given, the 34-year-old future King talks exclusively to GQ about his mother’s death, his relationship with the media, his work, his family and how he is determined to lead by example. Oh, that my mother was alive to see me now, walking into Kensington Palace on a sunny spring day, to take tea with the future King William. Born in the same year as the Queen, 1926, and given the same Christian name, Elizabeth, my mother “Betty” was a fervent monarchist; indeed one of my earliest political memories is of the row provoked when, about half a century ago, I refused to listen to the Queen’s Christmas Day message. She and I also used to argue about Prince William’s parents as the disintegration of their marriage provoked a bitter propaganda war between them and their supporters. Once I got to know Princess Diana, in a series of extraordinary meetings (see my diaries, volume one) before Labour won power in 1997, despite the nasty columns I used to write about her as a journalist, I became something of a fan. I was smitten indeed, and so took her side in the Charles-Diana rows taking place in homes up and down the country. My mother was more for Charles, seeing as how he was going to be the next king. It is not a conversion from republicanism that has sparked this meeting with the Prince - though “President Trump” would challenge anyone’s faith in an elected head of state - but a common cause, namely the desire to eradicate the stigma and taboo surrounding mental illness. Prince William, his wife Catherine and his brother Harry, have chosen mental health as their main cause, and their Heads Together campaign has been successfully promoting the importance of being as open about our mental health as we are about our physical health. When they started off down this path, the republican in me was annoyed they could get so much traction for anything they did; but the Time To Change mental health campaigner was overjoyed. They have overseen the making of a series of short films showing the importance of talking about mental health problems rather than bottling them up. To my surprise, I was asked to take part in a film, talking with my partner Fiona about how my mental health troubles impact on us. Then, even more surprisingly, given how few extended interviews he gives, he agreed to be interviewed for GQ. I had met him a few times, on the British and Irish Lions rugby tour of New Zealand in 2005, for example, and more recently at a dinner where I asked him whether he would follow the lead of his grandmother when he became king, by never giving an interview as monarch. Here, I was keen to test two things in particular. One was whether his commitment to this cause was real and whether he had a proper understanding of the issues. You can make up your own mind on that, but after an hour and a half at the palace, mine was made up in his favour. Secondly, I wanted to see how close to the public persona the more private man in his own habitat might be. Would he speak with the same stilted style that seems to characterise his public speaking? He didn’t. Would he have a sense of humour? He did. Would he stand on ceremony? He didn’t. Was there any real passion behind the shy exterior? There was. Indeed, were she still here, I would have called my mum and told her, “Good news - I liked him.”

What son doesn’t miss his mother when she’s gone? As you shall see, almost 20 years on from that car crash in Paris, Prince William clearly misses Princess Diana intensely, saying it is only now he feels able properly to talk about her death, the extraordinary week that followed it, and the enormous impact it had on him and his brother. He doesn’t believe she had mental health problems, and nor does he think that he does. But the trauma he suffered losing her so young, and in such awful circumstances, partly explains why he is determined to get the nation talking more about our emotions, not least because, in life and death, his mother changed the way we express them.

AC: So what’s a nice future king like you doing with an old leftie republican like me?

PW: That’s a very good question Alastair [laughs]. To be honest, I really don’t care where people come from, I like meeting and talking to people from all backgrounds. And this is a good opportunity to talk about something that is very close to your heart, and very close to mine.

AC: And why is mental health so close to yours?

PW: Practically everything in my charitable life, in the end, is to do with mental health, whether it be homelessness, veterans’ welfare, my wife and the work she is doing on addiction; so much of what we do comes back to mental health. Also, if I think about my current job as a helicopter pilot with the air ambulance service in East Anglia, my first job there was a suicide and it really affected me. I have been to a number of suicides, self harms, overdoses.

AC: In what way did it affect you?

PW: Not just the person who lost their life, but the people they leave behind. One of the stats I was given was that, just in the area we cover in the east of England - my base is in Cambridge - there are five attempted suicides every day. Yet suicide is still not talked about. So people have the pain of loss, but also the stigma and taboo means they are sometimes ashamed even to talk about how a lover, a partner, a brother, a sister, a best friend, how they died. That stat - five attempted suicides in the East Anglia region alone - it blew my mind, I thought, “Oh my God, this is such a big issue.”

AC: I am a patron of the Maytree suicide sanctuary in north London, and you and your wife made a private visit there. What impact did that have?

PW: The thing that made an impression on me, it wasn’t just the feelings of the people, the pain they were going through and the care for them, it was that this is the only place of its kind in the UK. It may be the only one in the whole of Europe, and I thought, this is terrifying, it really is, there should be more places like this, where people can go when they’re desperate. I have spoken to suicide groups and having been through personal grief myself, I had an inkling of what to expect, but it was all so raw. When someone does end their own life, [there are] so many questions, people feeling guilty, why didn’t we see it, why didn’t we do more, and all surrounded by this massive taboo. I found it eye opening, so revealing as to what goes on in people’s minds.

AC: When you land in your air ambulance and you get out, what on earth do they say when they see you?

PW: We are only likely to be there if people are in deep trauma or unconscious.

AC: But the other people there?

PW: We are often the first on the scene. Also, I do hang back a little. We land, we secure the scene, I will be sorting the comms for the next flight, and then I might be running around helping with equipment and so on.

AC: Nobody ever has to explain, say, “Sorry, don’t worry about him”?

PW: Most people seem to guess, but I do keep as far back as I can and let the team do what they have to do. I maybe carry the stretcher, carry the kit, sort the comms for the next leg. It is all very fast paced.

AC: Why do the three of you work together on Heads Together?

PW: It is a bit of an experiment really. The Royal Family has not normally done this, three members of the family pulling together to focus on one thing. Normally things are quite disjointed, we follow our own interests and see where it goes, but we thought, well, if we tied it together and had a focused approach, how would that work? We wanted to see the impact we could have.

AC: You must get bombarded with approaches and requests? How do you decide what causes and events to support? Do you try to be strategic about it?

PW: Focused rather than strategic, I would say. When I settle on something, I want to dig deep, I want to understand what I am involved in, I want to understand the complexities of all the issues and, above all, I want to make an impact.

AC: Do you not get frustrated, though? Of course, there are advantages to your position but there are limitations too, because you cannot stray into politics. So you can’t do what I do and bang the drum for more resources and more action from government. Is that not really frustrating?

PW: It can be frustrating at times. I watch the political world, I am interested in it, at times I feel there are things going on I could really help with, but you have to understand where you sit and what the limits are; and with regard to what we do in our charity work, I like to think you can do just as much good but in a different direction.

AC: It’s great you guys are getting involved in mental health. Generally, my worry, though, is there is a danger that making improvements on stigma and taboos is seen as a substitute for services, not an accompaniment. Presumably you saying something like that goes beyond acceptable limits?

PW: No, not at all. I can say that. If I attack government policy, no, I can’t, but I can certainly make that kind of point. What we can do is convene, bring people together, organise private meetings, get experts in one room who might otherwise not always meet, they tend not to refuse an invitation, and we can thrash things out.

AC: Is it very much Harry on veterans, Kate on addiction and young women, you on men in general?

PW: A little bit. Harry has the Invictus Games and focuses a lot on veterans. But we are not stuck in our boxes. We are all three of us trying to understand the tentacles of mental health, which go everywhere. I do think if you are focused about general aims you can have a much greater impact. So we do try to stay focused, not splurge around.

AC: Are you in the mental health space for the long haul?

PW: Medium to long term, definitely. What we would love to do is smash the taboo. Getting the London Marathon as the mental health marathon, that was a big thing, and I hope we are reaching a tipping point. But it is a bit like wading through treacle. It is tough. We are now looking at a legacy programme. We are not going to rush, and the mental health sector has to believe in what we might propose, so we are getting expert opinion and then we will pick and choose and decide what we do.

AC: Why don’t you do the London Marathon yourself?

PW: I would love to, but from the policing point of view, they tested it and they were like, “What?” I am keen to do a marathon but it won’t be London.

AC: What about getting a treadmill in here and doing it while everyone else is pounding the streets?

PW: It would be so boring.

AC: Be great television.

PW: I think I would have mental health issues if I was just staring at that wall. I do want to do it though - and the training. In the military we did plenty of similar things to marathons, like yomping over the Brecon Beacons with a ton of kit on your back. I am just pleased we got London as the mental health marathon.

AC: Do you have specific goals and outcomes for the campaign?

PW: Smashing the taboo is our biggest aim. We can’t go anywhere much until that’s done. People can’t access services till they feel less ashamed, so we must tackle the taboo, the stigma, for goodness sake, this is the 21st century. I’ve been really shocked how many people live in fear and in silence because of mental illness. I just don’t understand it. I know I come across as quite reserved and shy, I don’t always have my emotions brewing, but behind closed doors I think about the issues, I get very passionate about things. I rely on people around me for opinions, and I am a great believer in communication on these issues. I cannot understand how families, even behind closed doors, still find it so hard to talk about it. I am shocked we are so worried about saying anything about the true feelings we have. Because mental illness is inside our heads, invisible, it means others tread so carefully, and people don’t know what to say, whereas if you have a broken leg in plaster, everyone knows what to say.

AC: This is my vested interest speaking here, but what with the marathon and the other things, do you think you might stay in this mental health space for good?

PW: We want to see what impact we can have.

AC: You are making an impact now.

PW: I feel we’re going in the right direction, but not making as much impact as we would like. You know what it is like, you want to get there, grapple with all the issues, get there quickly, make the change that is needed.

AC: But in your position, can you do that?

PW: You can, but you have to do it carefully. Maybe we do make change but the way we do it is slower. We get the benefits of more publicity for the things we do.

AC: I do remember when your father’s letters used to come into Number Ten. Will you go down that route, with his very frank letters to ministers?

PW: [Laughs.] Could you read them?

AC: It wasn’t the handwriting that was the problem.

PW: I have written to ministers but purely to point them towards people I think they should see. So a charity might ask me if I can help with someone and I can help get them access to the people in government.

AC: So you don’t lobby but you introduce?

PW: There are issues I am interested in and I am happy to connect people to ministers.

AC: But you’re perhaps not as robust as your father?

PW: My father has always come at this from a depth of knowledge and a desire to help. He only gets involved in anything when he has those two things: knowledge matched to a desire to help. He genuinely cares. We can argue till the cows come home about whether what he says is right or wrong, but he lives this stuff every day, goes into minute detail, wants to help inform opinion and provide knowledge. I would love to know what the public really think, whether they feel shocked or pleased he gets involved. He has done this for a long, long time, and I think he has used his role really well to raise a lot of questions that people need to ask.

AC: So what might this mental health legacy be?

PW: One idea is getting mental health first aiders in schools. Teachers are under such pressure, they face so many challenges every day. They cannot be expected to be mental health counsellors as well, so we thought there must be a way of having mental health first aiders who can be attached to one or two schools.

AC: Is that something you would promote or fund?

PW: That is what we need to work out. It is a bit of a challenge, but we have a whole range of ideas we are looking at.

AC: Now, tell me about the idea of the films - and thank you for asking me to do one.

PW: Thank for you doing it. I watched it this morning.

AC: What was the purpose of them?

PW: This was predominantly about the importance of the conversation. The point we wanted to get over was that, often, talking is the best thing you can do - it can start the whole process of recovery. For a lot of people things brew up, particularly men maybe, they don’t want to talk about problems.

AC: When you were growing up, when you were still at school, did you feel you were surrounded by people who couldn’t talk about feelings?

PW: Yes, I think so, but I do think a generational shift has gone on. If I look at my parents’ generation, there was a lot more stiff upper lip going on. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and a place for the stiff upper lip, and, for those of us in public life, times when you have to maintain it, but behind closed doors, in normal everyday life, we have to be more open and upfront with our feelings and emotions. Mental health in the workplace is a huge issue, and a sensitive area, and leadership is important here. When you see people in high-powered jobs in the City and big corporations who got there despite their mental health problems, that is a huge success story and it shouldn’t be seen as anything else.

AC: Or maybe people get there because of their mental health problems too.

PW: Absolutely.

AC: I feel I owe mine quite a lot.

PW: Absolutely, but what is really important here is that we are normalising mental health, so if a CEO comes out and says, “I went through this, I got through these dark times,” that is amazing, it normalises, it has an impact then in that organisation and beyond. But without that kind of thing, people tend to make excuses, avoid talking about issues that may be affecting them, pretend everything is fine.

AC: So as an employer, if one of your staff came and saw you and said, “I am really struggling,” do you think you would deal with that properly?

PW: Definitely. I am not pretending I am an amazing counsellor, or a specialist, I’m not, but I would take it seriously and if they needed help I would find it for them.

AC: Now, on the stiff upper lip, I can see why there may be a place for that. But listen… my mother died when I was 56, she had a full life, died quickly, relatively painlessly, but it was very upsetting. I am not sure I could have walked behind her coffin with millions of people around the world looking at me, without crying.

PW: No.

AC: So how hard was that?

PW: It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But if I had been in floods of tears the entire way round how would that have looked?

AC: How can you not be in floods of tears if you feel like being in floods of tears?

PW: In the situation I was in, it was self-preservation. I didn’t feel comfortable anyway, having that massive outpouring of emotion around me. I am a very private person, and it was not easy. There was a lot of noise, a lot of crying, a lot of wailing, people were throwing stuff, people were fainting.

AC: As you were walking?

PW: Yes. It was a very unusual experience. It was something I don’t think anyone could have predicted. Looking back, the outpouring of grief and emotion was very touching but it was very odd to be in that situation.

AC: When you were up at Balmoral through the week, were you conscious of how big it all was down here in London?

PW: No, not at all. All I cared about was that I had lost my mum.

AC: So you were protected from everything happening on the Mall?

PW: Yes. I was 15, Harry almost 13, and the overwhelming thing was we had lost our mother.

AC: So when you came back, and you saw how big the reaction was?

PW: I didn’t take it in. I still didn’t realise what was going on, really.

AC: Did you grieve?

PW: That is a very good question. [Pause.] Probably not properly. I was in a state of shock for many years.

AC: Years?

PW: Yes, absolutely. People might find that weird, or think of shock as something that is there, it hits you, then in an hour or two, maybe a day or two, you are over it. Not when it is this big a deal; when you lose something so significant in your life, so central, I think the shock lasts for many years.

AC: My favourite soundbite of the Blair era was not from him, but your grandmother after 9/11, when she said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

PW: Yes, absolutely.

AC: But for you to say you felt you were in shock for years - how much harder is it when you are having to grieve or try to grieve with this extraordinary level of global scrutiny, and the endless ridiculous fascination in every detail of your and your mother’s lives.

PW: It does make it more difficult. It doesn’t make you less human. You’re the same person, it is a part of the job to have the interest. The thing is, you can’t bring all your baggage everywhere you go. You have to project the strength of the United Kingdom - that sounds ridiculous, but we have to do that. You can’t just be carrying baggage and throwing it out there and putting it on display everywhere you go. My mother did put herself right out there and that is why people were so touched by her. But I am determined to protect myself and the children, and that means preserving something for ourselves. I think I have a more developed sense of self-preservation.

AC: Yet the Heads Together campaign is all about saying we should talk, be more open about our emotions, out with the stiff upper lip, in with more talking.

PW: Absolutely.

AC: So is it different for you?

PW: Well, I am in the role I am in. But if I had mental health issues I would happily talk about them. I think the closest I got was the trauma I suffered when I lost my mother, the scale of the grief, and I still haven’t necessarily dealt with that grief as well as I could have done over the years.

AC: Who do you talk to?

PW: Family, friends, I talk to those around me who I trust.

AC: But it can’t be easy in your position to find people you can trust totally.

PW: It is hard. But I have always believed in being very open and honest. One of the few strengths I might have is I am good at reading people, and I can usually tell if someone is just being nice because of who I am, and saying stuff for the wrong reasons.

AC: Have you ever talked to people other than friends and family about your feelings?

PW: No I have not talked to a specialist or anyone clinical, but I have friends who are good listeners, and, on grief, I find talking about my mother and keeping her memory alive very important. I find it therapeutic to talk about her, and to talk about how I feel.

AC: So we are coming up to the 20th anniversary of her death. Are you looking forward to that? Or are you dreading it?

PW: I am not looking forward to it, no, but I am in a better place about it than I have been for a long time, where I can talk about her more openly, talk about her more honestly, and I can remember her better, and publicly talk about her better. It has taken me almost 20 years to get to that stage. I still find it difficult now because at the time it was so raw. And also it is not like most people’s grief, because everyone else knows about it, everyone knows the story, everyone knows her. It is a different situation for most people who lose someone they love, it can be hidden away or they can choose if they want to share their story. I don’t have that choice really. Everyone has seen it all.

AC: The first time I met your mother, in 1994, she said, “Why did you write those horrible things about me when you were a journalist?” I said, “My God, I can’t believe you read that stuff.” But she did. I was shocked that she had read it and also remembered it, it was years earlier. It made me think at the time that some people reach a certain level of fame at which media and public cease to see them as human beings. Do you think that is what happened to her, and do you think it has ever happened to you?

PW: Not with me, no. I think with her it was a unique case. The media issue with my mother was probably the worst any public figure has had to deal with.

AC: What? The intrusion, the harassment?

PW: Yes, but more the complete salacious appetite for anything, anything at all about her, even if there was no truth in it, none whatsoever.

AC: So you don’t have any sympathy with the argument that she cultivated her own friends in the media and fed the whole thing?

PW: I have been exploring this. Remember, I was young at the time. I didn’t know what was going on. I know some games and shenanigans were played, but she was isolated, she was lonely, things within her own life got very difficult and she found it very hard to get her side of the story across. I think she was possibly a bit naive and ended up playing into the hands of some very bad people.

AC: Media people?

PW: Yes. This was a young woman with a high profile position, very vulnerable, desperate to protect herself and her children and I feel strongly there was no responsibility taken by media executives who should have stepped in, and said, “Morally, what we are doing, is this right, is this fair, is this moral?” Harry and I were so young and I think if she had lived, when we were older we would have played that role, and I feel very sad and I still feel very angry that we were not old enough to be able to do more to protect her, not wise enough to step in and do something that could have made things better for her. I hold a lot of people to account that they did not do what they should have done, out of human decency.

AC: Were you not tempted to give evidence to the Leveson Inquiry?

PW: We discussed it, but decided in the end not to. Remember, we were the first to expose the phone hacking.

AC: You seem to get a hard time from one or two papers these days. Do you think there is a bit of score-settling going on?

PW: I don’t know.

AC: Do you get followed and chased by paps on bikes?

PW: Not often. But there is a lot of quite sophisticated surveillance that goes on.

AC: So even if not phone hacking, which is far from guaranteed, the press have moved on to other things?

PW: I suppose the one glimmer of light is that because of what happened to my mother, we do not get it as bad as she did. We still have problems, for sure, but do have a little more protection because of the ridiculous levels it got to for my mother - the fact she was killed being followed, being chased, I think there are more boundaries to their actions.

AC: Really?

PW: It is a little better than it used to be.

AC: During the week of her death, Tony Blair spoke to your father and he said to me afterwards, “This is going to be a problem, those boys are going to need help, they are going to despise the media, blame them for her death, yet the media will be a part of their lives.”

PW: Yes, they are.

AC: When you were in Paris recently, posing for hundreds of photographers with President Hollande, did you look at them and wonder if any of them were among the ones who chased her that night?

PW: I’m afraid those are the kind of things I have just had to come to terms with. It is so hard to explain, using only words, what it was like for my mother. If I could only bring out what I saw and what happened in my mother’s life and death, and the role the media played in that, that is the only way people would ever understand it. I can try to explain it in words, but to live it, see it, breathe it, you can’t explain how horrendous it was for her.

AC: Do you think the reaction to her death was a big factor in diminishing the stiff upper lip approach, and changed the way we mourn? Do you think the kind of reaction we saw when, say, David Bowie died last year, would have been the same without that reaction for your mother?

PW: No it wouldn’t. The massive outpouring around her death has really changed the British psyche, for the better.

AC: You do think it is for the better?

PW: Yes, I do think it is for the better.

AC: How much did that week after your mother’s death bring you and Harry together?

PW: We are very close.

AC: And that feeling of shock, sadness, you never felt it strayed over to what I would know as an illness, depression?

PW: I have never felt depressed in the way I understand it, but I have felt incredibly sad. And I feel the trauma of that day has lived with me for 20 years, like a weight, but I would not say that has led me to depression. I still want to get up in the morning, I want to do stuff, I still feel I can function. Believe me, at times it has felt like it would break me, but I have felt I have learned to manage it and I’ve talked about it. On the days when it has got bad I have never shied away from talking about it and addressing how I feel. I have gone straight to people around me and said, “Listen I need to talk about this today.”

AC: Like when?

PW: Last week with the air ambulance, I flew to a really bad case, a small boy and a car accident. I have seen quite a lot of car injuries, and you have to deal with what you see, but every now and then one gets through the armour. This one penetrated the armour, not just me but the crew who have seen so much. It was the feelings of loss from a parent’s point of view, the parents of the boy. Anything to do with parent and child, and loss, it is very difficult, it has a big effect on me, it takes me straight back to my emotions back when my mother died, and I did go and talk to people at work about it. I felt so sad. I felt that one family’s pain and it took me right back to the experience I had. The more relatable pain is to your own life the harder it is to shake it off.

AC: How has the passing of time helped?

PW: They do say time is a healer, but I don’t think it heals fully. It helps you deal with it better. I don’t think it ever fully heals.

AC: Is there a part of you that doesn’t want it to heal fully because for that to happen might make her feel more distant? So you feel the need to stay strongly attached? If grief is the price we pay for love, maybe you want to keep the grief out of fear that loss of grief means you love her less?

PW: One thing I can always say about my mother is she smothered Harry and me in love. Twenty years on I still feel the love she gave us and that is testament to her massive heart and her amazing ability to be a great mother.

AC: How different do you think the country would be if she was still here?

PW: I have thought about that, but mainly from my own perspective. I would like to have had her advice. I would love her to have met Catherine and to have seen the children grow up. It makes me sad that she won’t, that they will never know her.

AC: What about the public Diana?

PW: I think she would have carried on, really getting stuck into various causes and making change. If you look at some of the issues she focused on, leprosy, Aids, landmines, she went for some tough areas. She would have carried on with that.

AC: She was an extraordinary woman.

PW: She was.

AC: How hard do you find the scrutiny? I mean you can’t even do a bit of bad dad dancing without someone taking a video?

PW: [Laughs.] Honestly, I can dance better than that. It’s true though, camera phones, Twitter, there’s not much privacy. I don’t think it was too bad. It wasn’t as if I was falling out of a nightclub, totally wasted. I think people realise everyone has to blow off a bit of energy and tension every now and then.

AC: So how did you feel when some of the papers said you don’t work hard enough?

PW: Criticism is part of the turf, I’m afraid. I think the public are much more nuanced. I have my air ambulance job, I carry out the duties the Queen asks me to, I have my charities and causes and I am raising a young family, so I can’t let that criticism get to me.

AC: A couple of the papers do seem to have turned against you, though?

PW: There is a certain element of Fleet Street getting fed up with nice stories about us. They want the past back again, soap, drama.

AC: Do you see it as part of your job to avoid giving them that? A bit of normality, stability.

PW: I couldn’t do my job without the stability of the family. Stability at home is so important to me. I want to bring up my children in a happy, stable, secure world, and that is so important to both of us as parents. I want George to grow up in a real, living environment, I don’t want him growing up behind palace walls, he has to be out there. The media make it harder but I will fight for them to have a normal life.

AC: But surely you must accept it is an abnormal life?

PW: Totally, but I can still try to protect them as children.

AC: The Queen, your father, you, now George. Four people on the planet who might one day be the head of state in the UK. It is fair to say republicanism has lost, not least thanks to your grandmother. The monarchy seems to have bucked the trend even though we live in a non-deferential, anti-establishment age. Do you feel that?

PW: I do feel the monarchy is in a good place and, like you say, my grandmother has done a remarkable job leading the country - her vision, her sense of duty, her loyalty, her steadfastness, it has been unwavering. We now have three generations of working royals, four altogether, and having that movement through the generations allows for the monarchy to stay relevant and keep up with modern times. You are only as good as your last gig and it is really important you look forward, plan, have a vision.

AC: Do you not look at the Queen, yet another garden party, yet another investiture, yet another state visit, and think how on earth can she keep going?

PW: Yes I do.

AC: Do you, your father and the Queen ever sit down, just the three of you, and just natter?

PW: [Laughs.] What, about Lady Gaga or something? [Prince William had recently recorded a Facetime chat with Lady Gaga for the campaign.]

AC: I was thinking more about being head of state. I mean, how do you learn?

PW: You learn on the job. There is no rulebook. I sometimes wonder if there should be, but in the end I think probably not. Having that difference in how we do things makes the Royal Family more interesting and more flexible. If we all followed the same line, it would all be quite stifled. Our characters are different and the different opinions are important to have.

AC: Your grandmother has always believed in there being a bit of mystique attached to it all as well.

PW: Absolutely.

AC: Never ever given an interview.

PW: No. Never. I seem to have sold the pass on that one.

[saynoutodrugs]

poetry written over the past year

some better than others. all waayyy too corny corny. from HT17 to HT18. Sometimes I hug my pillow and try to sleep, my love. Sometimes I wonder, does your heart beat as mine does for you, my love? Far flung galaxies and their polychromatic pulsars Could hardly keep our hearts apart, Cromeulon fires might raze and entire starplexes could fall and - I'll still be waiting here for you, my love. I wrote you a poem - It was a twin fangled star's crossing the park end of the universe It was a covert signal, a beep beep beeeeep fax machine beaming quiet whispers to desert islands Where jawas, marooned in silver storms would ponder our deepest secrets Huddled around broken words they try to put an ancient script together, raise from the dead What I could not. For humanity had left by then, the last remnants of our civilisation taken up by a solar wind, ashes given an unceremonious wave and lost - amongst the mountains of cosmic dust stretched out upon the far too wide space between you and me  Fair enough, she said. I am after all, Texting you as I lie beside someone I have just slept with. I did not initially remember Who she was, but she could have been any number of faint memories stretched across the years since you. I often say I cannot bring myself to do it Even as I love react messages and see where things go. But truth is I am not you And you I do not want - I do not want your fuel drenched bodies sweat soaked lights strobes swirling mess of whiskey dicks marginal pleasures late night emptiness and things done for the sake of being done. I don't belong to your world But neither do I want your slow walks your quiet platitudes empty statements empty life false meaning. I want a love - a love that will tear me out from my own heart and take me where the wind doesn't blow. you’ve done my maths and i’ve done yours, so put your exes into my whys and   back in again and let’s see where we go. follow the pencil, dot the lines and I’ll slide down your curves, my regression, unintended equilibrium decision tree yields mutually assured destruction but we’ll rest where our tangents meet. because was never a choice there was only my Pareto efficient dominant strategy my utility monster my max(P-MC) = U.  I hold a memory of how I held you and you held me our cheeks would touch and from my eyes a stream would drip into the gilded Egyptian channels, wind its way towards the bright land of the sun. Ra would show no mercy; the sun was blinding and and it was bright and in our moment we would, foreheads pressed, share visions of a promised land, stolen away from the blessed. But the nile wound away, the river a force within no man’s control ‘Bow down to the power of nature, woe!’ it would bellow, ‘Mere mortals have no power here.’ we have no choice but to continue and on our castaway ship we sail for the land ever searching; currents on either side raging. I want to hold you in the silken moonlight Your body's lines draped down the sheets As a swan's cuts the glade of a river dark and ripples are sent down the wells of my soul. I want to hold you in the silken moonlight Where egrets nestle above the plains. Still, they perch together for the dawn just as I wait, with you, for the coming of a sun. I want to hold you in the silken moonlight For it is only in the moonlight where our secrets can be laid bare Magic decomposed into its constituent parts, Quiet whispers lifting to reveal just exactly how something can come from nothing. In all of this I want to hold you In the silken moonlight Let the river run, let the river run o acrid black tastes in solemn words said for the sake of being said lines broken, incomplete sentences left incomplete for the sake of breaking, do what you must and make me write for the sake of writing. Turn back the clock, let us sit down and do the maths It is simple; one plus one makes two 
who can play this game Two can dance and twirl and call the night’s hour As cinderella goes clop clop clop and her hooves make out sounds to the moon. Two is the perfect number for defection for renumeration and quiet escalation Two is the number of secrets kept and secrets lost and Two is the sound of things going drip drip drip down forever more Freud believed that in dreams we bury our innermost thoughts like whispers between ourselves they are hidden in poems: latent dream content twice displaced and thrice substituted, acted out on the drawing boards of our minds; we wake to personal Magrittes, odd images linger which leave us feeling oddly alone but without knowing why. always it feels like there is something more to it. sometimes it is right there, like an old man were building a home at the tip of my tongue. last night I dreamt of her; but it was a straightforward dream, no great mystery or secret. as if my unconscious mind decided that there was now little to hide, open space calling. as if it were telling me the cypher's broken, the games are over, it's all out now! you and I know it anyway! you want to tell her, "I miss you". Sometimes I wish that I'd get Dalis instead. If things weren't so direct I might be able to tell myself that I didn't care anyway. But that's alright, maybe I don't want to look at tall elephants and melting clocks all the time. and who cares, I dream a lot anyway. (read even line)

[uncle-ak]

What Do You Know or Don’t Know?

What we know is either based on what someone said/wrote, what we were taught growing-up or what we learned through our lived experiences. Learning through our lived experiences helps us truly understand certain concepts. Experience they say is the best teacher… During the early school years, I remember learning that 5 minus 7 cannot go. But in the higher classes, the story changed; somehow it was solvable and all of a sudden, negative numbers began to appear. 

Switching gears… another example I use is; (my Cameroonian people will better understand this). We are accustomed to eating water-fufu or garri with eru. I’ve asked a few people about eating cassava or bobolo with eru and they cringed. My follow-up question usually is: isn’t garri, water-fufu and bobolo made from cassava? Another example question is; would you eat cocoyams with achu soup? Maybe yes?! Maybe no?! I know I know, I'm a little weird like that! Just a little weird! (Haha! wink)

Funny how we cringe at the thought of eating something we know what it is made of, though presented in a different form/combination from what we are accustomed to but we eat hotdogs, hamburgers and a list of other things which we don't know what it is made of. N.B Before we get all wired-up, this blog post isn't about what people should or shouldn’t eat, neither am I trying to diss the hamburger/hotdog industry/business. This is to get us to think about our thinking (metacognition). I don't impose my views/perspectives/beliefs on others. I share my thoughts which can be disagreed with, we are all entitled to our opinions! We live by the choices we make! That is the beauty of our learned habits and lived experiences which may sometimes be a barrier to our growth, thus preventing us from stepping out of our comfort zone. On the other hand, our ability to be open minded may see us through some challenging moments where we may feel ‘stuck’. 

The choice of when to hold on to whatwe know versus being open minded is relative and situation specific, so choose wisely. Last month was a very overwhelmingly challenging one for me; especially the first two weeks of the month. By the end of the second week, I had some blank mind moments and felt the need to escape to total silence but I was postponing it until I was involuntarily thrusted into it. During my moments of silence, I wrestled with what I’ve been taught, what I’ve learned from others and what I’ve experienced thus far in order to figure out what will help me get through that challenging moment.

Inspired by my reflection on Oprah Winfrey’s books; What I Know for Sure and The Wisdom of Sundays. I resonated with certain concepts that helped me realign/refocus. What I share below is not necessarily directly related to my experience(s) mentioned above, these just came to mind because this happens to be the most recent books I’ve read. So, I thought; why not share my thoughts?! Sharing is caring! :)

“Gratitude is the greatest form of prayer when said with intent, it realigns your whole being.” The most difficult time to utter gratitude is when going through a challenging moment but when you are able to gather the courage and intentionally utter a prayer of gratitude, there is a feeling of weight being lifted off your shoulder. “Thank you because even in the eye of the storm, God has put a rainbow in the clouds.”The more grateful you become, the more you have to be grateful for (What I ‘Oprah’ Know for Sure/The Wisdom of Sundays).

Oprah categorized what she gives her time to as star 🌟moments. Like the star ratings/reviews 5star, 4star, 3star… she finds/creates opportunities to engage in more of 5 and 4 star rated activities because it feeds the essence of who she is. Here is some of my own star ratings.

My 5star moments:Silent moments/meditation (Communication with God), reading, and writing (with a good cup of herbal tea), listening, sharing moments with family and friends, deep thoughtful conversations, taking a walk (Sunrise and or Sunset walks), being out in nature/hiking, playing...

4star moments:Exercising, cooking, music, eating nourishing/edifying foods, being an Occupational Therapist/Mental Health First Aider…

Do you have star category moments? If not, create it. This would help you reflect on what feeds you, re-evaluate what you give your time to in order to realign and refocus. It helps you get more intentional. “We get so wrapped up in doing that we lose sight of being and miss the joy of simple moments”(What I ‘Oprah’ Know for Sure/The Wisdom of Sundays).

“The exponential growth of wealth isn’t directly related to the growth in happiness.He who has the most toys (material possessions) still dies”(What I ‘Oprah’ Know for Sure).  I remember when I just graduated and started working in 2015/2016. My first paycheck after working for only four days got me very excited so I worked six to seven days a week and on some days, I worked in two different locations for extra hours/money for the rest of 2016. I remember constantly feeling mentally drained while looking forward to the next paycheck thinking it will make it all better but nope it didn’t. Then when it came time to file taxes in 2017, I wassoooooupsetbecause I was told I  may have to pay the State. Say WHAT?! Now I can’t remember the last time I worked on Sunday nor seven days a week. Looking back, I mostly worked weekends from 2006 to 2015 while I was in school so I think I've served my time in the business of working weekends or at least working on Sundays (haha!). If my memory serves me right, 2016 was the last time I worked on a Sunday.  I occasionally work 6days/week 1-3times per month. I take at least one Monday off a month for mental wellness especially if I know in advance that the preceding weekend will be busy. Also, reading the book Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosakiwas a huge eye opener.

When we let go of the desire to acquire more things and rather collect more shared moments, we are going to live the best life. “Having the best things is no substitute for having the best life.”Collect more moments and memories. We won’t be remembered for the stuff we had… The best gift you can give is the gift of your time, it is priceless. Spending time with others teaches us more about ourselves than about others. (What I ‘Oprah’ Know for Sure). 

I’m not very much into the collection of ‘stuff,’ brand names, designers...bla bla bla. This can be interpreted in varying ways, one of which is throwing out the Cameroonian slang that goes thus in Pigin English “poor man go say Guinness bitter” or the Western version will be along the lines of ... a poor person will say owning Louboutin aka red bottoms or Louis Vuitton or Tesla or Porsche isn’t all that... Affordability isn’t the issue, it is more about the necessity for me. The fundamental question I ask myself is, is it absolutely necessary and what is my underlying intention? N.BI’m not hating on those who have these things; your money, your choice! Enjoy! If a goal in life is to own a designer something or a private jet: that’s your motivation so strive to achieve it. If owning one or more of such fulfills attaining a statue of… definitely not statue of liberty if it involves getting into debt in order to obtain it because there is nothing liberating about being in debt (anyways, let me mind my business!). At least be mindful about not being greedy while striving to attain certain goals at the expense of others or at the expense of your life and health. Be mindful about taking advantage of others because the circle/cycle of life spins. Sometimes it spins faster than we may think and worse than it was spun, like a cyclone/typhoon/hurricane. Remember, my intention isn't to tell people how to live their life, it is to get us (me included) to think about why we do what we do.

Whatever choice we make in life, whether active or passive will affect someone else be it negatively or positively, so be conscious of that. When your choice is right, your whole being will fuel it, irrespective of what people may say. Act with intent to be true to yourself. Not for applause, attention, recognition nor what will they think. If you find that you wrestle with yourselfabout a choice, find moments of stillness to listen to yourself. Remember; He that is in you is greater...and sufficient. “That which we crave can’t be found outside ourselves nor come from someone else.” (What I ‘Oprah’ Know for Sure). 

What you give, you get. What we dish out will be served back to us. What we give doesn’t necessarily have to be material stuff and we may not necessarily receive from the person/people we give. Best believe it comes back, so give more of what you would like to receive. Your giving however shouldn’t be fueled/motivated by the expectation to receive. Do it genuinely, because you can and because you want to. Not because you feel like youhave to.  

Every physical encounter/interaction has a metaphysical meaning. Nothing is random… we are all connected via our challenges/struggles, loss, pain, desire for success and etc…Our life experience is a lesson to us and others, the only difference is in how it is individually experienced. (What I ‘Oprah’ Know for Sure)

The highlight of the book (What I know for Sure)for me is when Oprah describes how she feels when she reads; “Delving into other people’s thoughts, building bonds with total strangers, marvel at people coming alive on paper, travel the world mentally. Wealth of insight, knowledge, inspiration and power. Sacred indulgence, a chance to be anywhere I choose. Reading gives me the ability to reach higher grounds and keep climbing, it exposes you, opens you up, gives you access to anything your mind can handle. Ifreading were a love language, it will be my primary and sharing it with people who do the same will be the most depth of love/connection… When we stop learning, we cease to grow.”I had to pause, rewind, replay multiple times to absorb this paragraph because I totally agree with it. 

The above paragraph and my mentioned 5- & 4-star moments are what I know for sure! Star moments don’t have to be fixed, they can be flexible, open for re-evaluation and subject to change as we evolve into who we are becoming…What do you know for sure about yourself? What concept(s) shared above resonates/aligns with you and why?

[iblogwithgrace]

Dear All, Welcome back to my blog. It's a rainy day here in Lagos, Nigeria. I hope you had the most AMAZING week. Grab some tea and make sure you're comfy because this is a long post.

Weight loss is something a lot of people can relate to. At every given point in time, there is someone out there who wants/needs to shed a pound or more!

Now, to the main reason why you're here, the military diet. If you follow Lily of Nigeria on instagram click here I'm sure you would have seen all my intastories and post referring you to this post(that's probably why you're here).

I was busy minding my own business and going through my YouTube notifications when a video of a woman who had tried the military diet popped up in my suggestions(sort of like the explore page on instagram) and you can bet that I clicked on it because I was curious.

Those of you who have followed me from my time at iBlogWithGrace already know me, your girl launched a full blown research on the topic! I discovered it was very popular in the 70s and 90s. It also had a pickled beet included thank God that's been removed from the diet now.

Personally, I am not a fan of fad diets and weight loss teas/laxatives. However, something about this diet caught my fancy(hint, hint, maybe it has to do with my affiliation with the military, who knows).

Yes I tried the diet. I write down the daily menu, and went to my local market and Spar to get the things that I'll need. I substituted a few things on the menu too.

The diet is a rapid weight loss plan, with some people claiming to have lost 10 pounds of weight, others more, others less. 

I kept an open mind and decided to focus in losing 10 pounds. The amount of weight you lose depends on how much you weigh in the first place, your eating habits prior to the diet, and how fast your metabolism is.

The diet is VERY strict, and entails A LOT of determination. You'll need ALL the grace of God you can get. Please consult with your doctor before you embark on this diet, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

The diet spans for a period of three days, after which you NEED to go back to a normal, healthy eating regimen.

If you see results after the first three days and want to continue, you will have to follow the rule below.

Rule: do the diet for three days and stop! Return to a normal healthy eating lifestyle for four days, before you can start the three day diet again. You can only do the diet for three days straight. If you do it more than three days, you are endangering your health and your body will go into starvation mode(not good). "3 days on, 4 days off."

The Menu:

Day one Breakfast 1/2 grapefruit (If you're in medication DO NOT take grapefruit it will interfere/nullify it just like coconut does). Or, 1/2 a tablespoon of baking soda in a glass of water and drink it. Or, 1 cup of apple juice. I drank a cup of warm green tea without sugar or milk. DO NOT USE ORANGE AS A SUBSTITUTE.

1 slice of whole wheat toasted bread. If you don't have a toaster, but own an oven, pop it in there for like 5 to 10 minutes on medium or high heat.

2 tablespoons of peanut butter also known as Ųsòjį(but with pepper and a host of salt) in Eastern Nigeria. I just chewed I spoon of roasted groundnuts.

1 cup of coffee or tea without sugar or milk. But, you can use Stevia. As I said above, I just drank unsweetened green tea.

Lunch 1/2 cup of tuna. I used 1 oven baked Nigerian Titus without pepper or salt, which I bought for N250.

1 slice of toasted whole wheat bread.

1 cup of coffee or tea without sugar or milk. But, you can use Stevia. As I said above, I just drank unsweetened green tea.

Dinner 3 ounces of any type of meat. I didn't eat this.

1 cup of green beans. I cooked mine with 1 heaped tablespoon of ofada stew.

1/2 Banana (I ate 2 small lean bananas equivalent to half of a standard US banana).

1 small apple.

1 cup of vanilla ice cream. I drank green tea without sugar or milk.

Day 2 Breakfast 1 egg. I boiled mine.

1 slice of whole wheat toast.

1/2 Banana.  (I ate 3 small lean bananas equivalent to half of a standard US banana).

Lunch 5 saltine crackers. You can regular crackers, just make sure you don't go overboard the 65 calories limit.

1 hardboiled egg.

1 cup of cottage cheese. This can be substituted for a cup of unsweetened and unflavored soy milk(I chose this option, because it's cheaper than cheese here in Nigeria).

Dinner 2 hotdogs (without bun). I had 3!

1 cup of broccoli. I substituted broccoli for spinach(if you live in Nigeria as your local vegetable trader for efó shòkó. I wanted to use what we call green but all the ones I saw were shriveled and yellow, so I went for the efó shòkó which is actually a variety of spinach).

1/2 cup of carrots.

1/2 Banana. I had 2 small lean bananas.

1/2 cup of vanilla ice cream. I skipped this.

Day 3 Breakfast 5 saltine crackers. Remember what I said above about not going beyond 65 calories.

1 slice of cheddar cheese. It can be substituted for 1 egg. I went with 1 hardboiled egg.

1 small apple. I used pear(not avocado pear).

Lunch 1 egg cooked anyhow you like. 1 slice of whole wheat toasted bread.

Dinner 1 cup of tuna. (I used the remaining hotdogs from yesterday's dinner). 1/2 Banana. 1 cup of vanilla ice cream. I used apple juice.

What I Think I absolutely recommend this diet if you need to lose weight fast! Or, you have an upcoming event that requires you to shed a few pounds. If you get hungry, drink water. You can add lime to your water but nothing else.

Don't cheat. Remember you need this, and you'll just be cheating yourself. Self deceit is the worst form of deceit.

This 3 day diet is almost like a cleanse. This cannot replace your regular everyday diet. Try to consume more veggies, fruits and water after this diet. Also, try living a healthier life, check what's in your meal, and count your calories.

My results I lost a whooping 4 kilograms of weight that I believe isn't water, an equivalent of 8.8 pounds!

I don't feel bloated anymore and I didn't binge on what I missed for 3 days. In fact, I don't feel hungry. My tummy, tighs and waistline feel and look leaner! What a wawu. 

Most times, I was too hungry to even remember taking pictures of my food, so bear with me.

😂everyone at home was shocked when they saw me eating bread. I don't like bread! I see it as a wasted effort without any essence(it's just empty sugary calories). Don't judge me. I was talked into eating wheat bread. I justified eating it by reminding myself of the fibre I'll gain from the wheat. For more substitutes click here

 Who else enjoys reading Lost in Lagos?

Please, after seeing this post don't approach me for a sponsored post if you're a "Weight loss tea" company, I don't believe in those things.

It's currently 3:10 am here. I've been having issues with the blogger application on my phone since 4pm when I got this post ready for y'all. I had to stay awake to use the web version.

Note to self, one day I will blow and make it as a big time internet breaking blogger.

Let me know if you intend to try this, have tried this, or have any questions.

Don't forget to be the difference you seek, and be kind to your neighbor.

Peace, and love, Alexandra for Lily of Nigeria.

Song of the week:

Summer Body by Olamide ft Davido.

[habitual-irony]

Phonebooth’s "The End of the Earth” (Civitas Project Volume 1)

Introduction

Today, most people live in cities. Night or day, we don’t know how to turn off the lights. We fumbled with myths and the unknown through brilliant constellations, which are now taxidermied inside the books’ print and museums’ glass cases. Through “reason,” we excavated the truths of the world that we couldn’t see (in the field of philosophy of science, this is still disputed, but for the most part we believe this to be “objectivity”), and we achieved many life conveniences. The place known as a “city” can be said to be the focus of those results as well as the outcome.

But reason’s biased nature that only tends toward functionality brought about many problems. It separates places. Doors and walls perfectly block cold and noise, but on the other hand, they also gave rise to a psychological feeling of division and severance. In this environment, we have to endure endless loss and alienation. Also, as an extension of this phenomenon, we suffer with bouts of irrational attachment or compulsion, like we’re poisoned or self-tormenting. 

Our emotions are reflecting the structure of the city. In the field that comprise the humanities, they are working hard to restore a sense of humanity. The understanding of the structure of a city is changing from idealizing “efficiency” to being “nature friendly” and “people-centered.” Meanwhile, attempts to find a suitable balance between people and artificial structures are constantly progressing. But most people are still living within structures that haven’t been narrowed.

The songs born through this project have an overall theme of “Civitas,” which is a Latin word for “community” or “sense of community.” Through these six iterations, we “Phonebooth” will identify our unexpected situations found between the aforementioned human dignity and the unethical structures of a city, and talk about the hope therein.

1. Extension and Roots

Cities start with the extension of all physical functions. The hammer or driver-like tool expands on the hand’s functions, while glasses and TV expand on eyesight functions. Headphones and telephones are hearing. The asphalt extending to the edge of the earth, and the all kinds of vehicles that pass over it, can be seen as the start of the extension of the foot’s functions. (Even outside of this, most inventions are expanding on these functions.) 

The difference between our cities and countrysides are definitively revealed in these points. There are no roots. We are stepping on the ground, but really we are just stepping on the asphalt and concrete blocks laid on the ground. We are not walking on the actual earth. Even if we walk on dirt in a playground or flowerbed, that is but a reproduction. With other physical functions, like using a hammer and other tools, we lose our chance to touch the real thing. The audiovisual experiences we get via TV and headphones are also reproductions of reality; we’re not seeing or hearing the true colors and sounds. If we compare to rural farmers who directly touch the dirt and plant seeds, most of our experiences are achieved indirectly. 

These exact points are the reason us city-dwellers are forced into a sense of endless emptiness and futility. We are constantly isolated from the things we produce. Suburban drainage ditches and streams, fields and the flowers that grow naturally in them, all feel more like a concept. To experience the real thing, we look for places such as flower festivals or arboretums, but that’s just another artificially made realization of the concept of nature. Even so, we think that we have settled in this utterly inescapable virtual world, but there’s a high possibility of it being an illusion. 

When I look around me, I see many more things that I have lost than things I have made. When we die, we must leave the city that we spent most of our time in, and go be buried in some other place. Our emptiness and wandering is because of the urban emotions we have built on this absence of roots. Cities are pushing our lives to extremes based on these emotions.

2. Division and Loss

Paradoxically, cities are stacks of lost things. Every time we walk through the endlessly transforming city, we are easily able to observe the changing streets. Signs are always changing to new words and new lights, and the previous store employees are substituted with new smiles and new faces. As we walk these streets that become more unfamiliar every day, we suddenly wonder where that old sign went, where the owners of that store disappeared to. We don’t know who or what, and we are hit with feelings of suffocation and distance. 

The transformation of my surroundings brings of memories of past transformations, and if that reality no longer exists, the restoration of the memories I have becomes impossible. The endlessly transforming memories and emotions end up like a dog that’s lost its owner: they grow hair down to cover their eyes, become messy, and end up unrecognizable. Like this, damaged memories are obscured (how uncomfortable would it be to be filled with unverifiable memories?), so whenever I identify myself to someone in the city, I must rely on my name, numbers, and scraps of paper. Places and things cannot verify my existence, for they have already disappeared. 

This is a thin existence. The spatiality of the city that easily appears and disappears, general and lacking integration, leads to the ostracizing of the model student that listens to their teacher’s words. It gives rise to a terrible cognitive dissonance in which a man of high social standing puts on a Burberry trench coat and commits sexual assault. And what makes these structures even more hopeless is that nobody can tell us how much pain we must endure or how long we much roam in order to restore our identity and reenact our existence.

3. Elimination and Burial

The verticals of tall buildings were built while ensuring countless crashes. Birds, gusts of wind, and even humans—no matter what road we walk on, we run into endless verticals. And in order to reach that height, we must drop things that are close to us. Friends, family, love, trust, dignity, etc.—when we push away the things of value in our surroundings, we can end up standing alone at the top. Cities in which you have to throw away your humanity to reach higher floors are as hard to handle as children who were raised through sacrifices. 

At the same time, the city buries us. Walls block the way, and the glass windows hung on those walls accumulate warmth and light from the outside, while not letting out even 1 degree of heat. But these things that show no disturbance are the core of the problem. The great system of capitalism institutionally rationalized the erasure of humanity and the use of people as tools, and thoughtlessly destroyed nature. In it, buried in pain and loneliness, we live narrow lives thinking only of our own safety. Without knowing why it must be this way, like chess pieces, we are being buried in life’s wires on every city corner. 

In this city—completed with countless eliminations and burials, divisions and loss, lacking roots—broken winds wander like ghosts between buildings, becoming sharper, colder, and fiercer. Just like us.

Conclusion

The title of this project, “Civitas,” is Latin for community or a sense of community. In the points above, we talked about the devastation and negativity of this place called a city. Truthfully, we may just be listing problems with no clear solution, but even if we don’t mention other problems that exist that we didn’t reference above, everyone can relate. This kind of “no exit” makes us more depressed and exhausted. 

I’ll say it one more time, but we named this project “Civitas.” The reason for this is because we believe the solution is in this word. We want to suggest that the solution is in community, or in other words, “you” and “me.” Now, wherever we go, we are orphans or missing children who have lost their way. In this situation, the thing that will become a lamp for us is the kindred person next to me. In other words, there is only “you.”  We are already living similar lives, and our pain inevitably isn’t that different either. We just can’t see that, and there are many instances in which we pass each other by. 

We believe that the only thing that won’t waste away from life in this fragmented city, the one thing that keeps us from forgetting each other in the midst of these raging seas, is community or a sense of community. And, in this year of 2016, we want to sing of that hope.