#and about vengeance and about rage and about religious trauma

[denndrawings]

I’m insane about Litany from Godkiller: Last Hope thank you very much.

[persephone-s-moon]

Since I have Baldur's Gate 3 brainrot with only a reasonable few hundred hours of gameplay under my belt, here's what I think The Lost Boys classes would be for bg3

(I'm doing bg3 and not dnd bc options are more limited (nice for me) and I do value what little sanity I have left.)

David

Class: Rogue Subclass: Arcane Trickster Notes: I feel like this one's obvious, but for those unfamiliar, the rogue class is known for stealth and deception, as well as thievery due to their lockpicking abilities. In general, rogue characters tend to be very conniving and typically hold their cards close to their chests. The Arcane Trickster sublcass adds some ✨magic✨ to the mix with a handful of spells and cantrips. Theoretically, this Could include some illusion spells. Perhaps for tricking someone into thinking their rice has turned into maggots. (Alternatively, Warlock with the sublcass of The Fiend or Wizard with the subclass of Illusion would also be fitting for David.)

Paul

Class: Paladin Sublcass: Oathbreaker Previous Subclass: Oath of Vengeance Notes: HEAR ME OUT. I like the thought of him with religious trauma. Paladins are inherintly religious warriors (very "I'm here to talk to you about MY savior" although you can't pick a specific god in bg3) with three possible oaths in game: Oath of the Ancients, Oath of Devotion, and Oath of Vengeance. Essentially "vow to fight against darkness", "be a knight in shining armor", and "take justice into your own hands" with a handful of tenets unique to each oath. Realistically, the lost boys could easily break ALL of those oaths in a heartbeat, but I ultimately decided on Oath of Vengence on account of one of the tenets: "No Mercy for the Wicked." I believe friendship counts as mercy, and The Lost Boys are FAR from saints. Also, it'd be poetic for him to die carrying out his old oath after Marko dies :)

Marko

Class: Barbarian Sublcass: Wild Magic Multiclass: Druid Subclass: Circle of the Moon Notes: I bet yall weren't expecting a multiclass! Anyway, Barbarians are heavy hitters that rely on instinct and rage to fight. They're one of the more physically strong classes, especially in comparison to spell casters and Rogues (RIP David). When Wild Magic Barbarians use their rage, they set off a random magical effect. Anything from accidentally shrinking your team members to accidentally turning into a very useless cat is on the table, and that sort of chaos felt right for Marko. A Druid is an elemental spellcaster with the ability to turn into animals, referred to as their "Wild Shape". Circle of the Moon Druids are able to turn into a giant badger, a giant spider, a dire wolf, a normal cat, a polar bear, and eventually gain the ability to turn into an owlbear. (It's considered a monstrosity and not an animal, but in more recent dnd media, The Rule of Cool has changed some general rules.)

Dwayne

Class: Ranger Sublcass: Gloom Stalker Notes: Rangers are skilled scouts and trackers with a deep connection to nature. I almost gave this class to either Paul or Marko, HOWEVER the Gloom Stalker subclass made me think of Dwayne. Gloom Stalkers are ambush-happy attackers with an affinity for darkness and can easily hide themselve in the shadows (if desired. Gods know The Lost Boys are NOT quiet and that includes Dwayne). Honestly, it's the closest one can get to being an Assassin without classing as a Rogue. And all I can think about is Dwayne faking his death near the end of the movie (which is something you can 100% do in bg3).

[baaasiiil]

. The song reaches its climax as she repeats the line “Am I making you feel sick? (No)” a multitude of times over dramatic instrumentals and a wailing electric guitar. Once again, this line may refer to her blaming herself for Isaiah’s illnesses, or perhaps may be a cry of defiance. Her voice is loud as she screams the line over and over, as if she is rubbing it in Isaiah’s face that she is causing him illness, as if she is indignant over her cruel fate and demanding vengeance as her body poisons Isaiah. Her voice during this climax of the song grows in volume, she seems to be almost screaming the lines. This may indicate either her rage or perhaps desperation for Isaiah’s love. Going back to the line, “You look so handsome with me all over your mouth,” Ethel may be taking some vengeful delight in Isaiah eating her flesh, knowing that he is growing ill and poisoned by her meat, knowing that he is paying for what he has done to her. Towards the outro of the song, Ethel sings the line, “Don’t worry about me and these green eyes.” Ethel Cain has brown eyes yet sings about her own eyes as having a different colour. Her entire life, she has been misunderstood, expected to perform in certain ways, and manipulated. This line represents how her memory has been tainted by the external forces controlling her all the way to her death, how no one knows or remembers who she truly is as a person. It also indicates that in Ethel’s journey of self-discovery, she ended up losing herself, as she is the one describing her own eyes with the wrong colour. Finally, the song concludes with Ethel calling out to her mother, expressing love and a desire to reunite in the line, “Mama, just know that I love you / And I’ll see you when you get here.”. This is the very last line in the last track of the album, coming full circle and looping back to the sermon sampled in “Family Tree (Intro)”, which spoke about the value and power of motherhood. Ethel’s relationship with her mother is rarely explored within this album, but at the end of it all, all she really wants is her mother. While this album covers the themes of religious trauma, loss, and self-discovery, at its core, “Preacher’s Daughter,” is an album about the relationship between a daughter and her mother.

Ethel Cain's "Preacher's Daughter" is an intellectual work of art that uncovers the profound impact of generational trauma. The album's overarching metaphor serves as a cautionary tale: unresolved trauma can lead to self-destruction, as revealed by Ethel's tragic life. Through its effective storytelling and powerful lyrics, "Preacher's Daughter" offers a profound exploration of the human condition. 

@mothercain im your biggest fan xoxo

i deep dive into ethel cain's "preacher's daughter"

full essay in reblogs due to stupid character limits

Ethel Cain’s southern gothic concept album, “Preacher’s Daughter” chronicles the tragic life of the fictional protagonist, Ethel Cain, beginning with the exploration of religious trauma and a desire to run away, reminiscing on lost love and reflection on paternal abuse, before her eventual demise as she is abducted and murdered by her lover. This album delves into themes of loss, trauma, and the search for identity, before coming to a gruesome end with its detailed and gory storytelling.

The main focus of this essay will be on the conclusive track, “Strangers”, but surface level analysis of the predecessor songs will be provided, the plotline of Ethel Cain’s titular protagonist’s life explained in full. Something notable about the title of the album: a “preacher’s daughter” often carries negative connotations about the young girl, implying that she is rebellious, sexual, or otherwise dark in nature which can be used as the first indicator of the content of this album.

[chai-and-cherries]

5 Insanely Underrated (Dark) Queer Book Recs for Your TBR (No Spoiler Reviews!)

I ain’t gonna beat around the bush, folks--this post has been a long time coming. Over the past year, I have somehow stumbled into my new favorite genre, leaving the careful days of YA comforting fantasy reads behind (but not forgotten!). I used to never be one for the dark, grisly, and not so man-made horrors beyond comprehension. But with the help of time, mind devouring storytelling, and gut wrenching emotions the world loves to carve out of us all, tastes have changed! So without further ado, let me recommend 5 of my favorite (darker) queer reads of 2022. Titles are linked to official Goodreads summaries while I have included my no-spoiler reviews below.

Some of these are horror, some fantasy, some tragedy, and most a mix of the above. As the new year draws closer, if you’re feeling ready to branch out (or branch in!!) please consider giving these severely underrated titles a read. And support lesser known authors while you’re at it!

As the title of the post implies, these books tend to brew darker than your average cup ‘a joe. So please heed included trigger warnings and take care! 

1. You Will Love What You Have Killed by Kevin Lambert

(Original title: Tu aimeras ce que tu as tué. English Translation by Winkler Donald).

Genres: Adult Fiction, Horror, Canadian Literature, Queer AF

Review: If you’re not a fan of blood, gore, and every horror under the dying sun, scroll away now. Starting off incredibly strong and incredibly twisted with French-Canadian Lambert’s debut novel, You Will Love What You Have Killed, this novel is neither for the faint of heart nor some of the hard of heart. I went into this book knowing next to nothing about what was in store and left somehow feeling more empty than before. As arguably the darkest and most gory book on the list, this surrealist take on childhood rage and post-humous revenge on the town that discarded you before you had a chance to fight back is bound to haunt you long after you’ve finished it. Lambert’s own style of dark and nauseatingly twisted humor will either seal the deal for you, or leave you running for the hills. To be honest, I loathe this book as much I appreciate the queer, surrealist landscape of apocalyptic vengeance. Brownie points for being flat-out strange.

Content Warnings: if you can think of it, chances are its here. loads of death and murder, including that of children, suicide; ableism; homophobia, transphobia; pedophilia, rape, sexual abuse, explicit sexual descriptions, abortion, necrophilia; animal abuse, killing of animals; child abuse, emotional abuse and verbal abuse (by the narrator); cancer; 9/11 (comprehensive list via Ashton on GoodReads)

2. Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White

Genres: YA Fantasy, Horror, Sci-Fi/Dystopian, Queer AF

Blurb: In this world on the brink of man-made/god-induced apocalypse, trans-boy Benji has to fight not only to survive a hellscape determined to burn itself to the ground, but also his own role in bringing about the End. Hell Followed With Us is a queer rage manifesto, the gospel for those forced to become monsters by the same society that weaponized and then condemned them for being such. White’s novel not only brought healing to a large part of my own religious trauma, but it helped me embrace the very “monster” the so called righteous would have damned. Because when the world will villianize you anyway, revolution may very well be embracing the monster within--the monster the world forced into being. This one is definitely a keeper, and definitely a re-reader. The character diversity in this book is incredible, also for the simple fact that it isn’t forced or seemingly “trying to meet a quota”, and for canonically calling out [redacted].  

Content Warnings: For a comprehensive list courtesy of the author himself, please visit his website here. 

3. Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke by Eric LaRocca

Genres: Adult Fiction, Horror/Psychological Thriller, Short-Stories, Queer AF

Blurb: Shorter but no less impactful than the rest, Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke is a twisted foray into the psychology of human obsession. After reading the blurb, I tried to prepare myself for the following unease and depravity I was promised. And god was that promise delivered on a silver poisoned platter. Set to the backdrop of chat forums and online messaging, LaRocca weaves a sadomasochistic love story between two women searching for deeper connection. But love isn’t exactly the right word, is it? After all, things can only get worse from the start. Suffice to say, wholesome does not live in these pages. And I need more. 

Content Warnings: animal cruelty/death, body horror, gore, mental/emotional abuse, exploration of kink, very toxic example of a dom/sub relationship.

4. Angels Before Man by Rafael Nicolás

Genres: Adult Fantasy, Mythology Retelling, Romance, Paranormal, Queer AF

Blurb: I try not to pick favorites on list recs, but as my most recent read of the year, Nicolás’ debut novel has quickly been shelved in my mind and heart’s hall of fame. Angels Before Man is a queer retelling of the fall of Lucifer from a paradise that may not be as, well, paradise as it seems. With narrative prose so poetic that epics of the ancient world come to mind, and themes of religious rebellion and queer rage reminiscent not only of other novels on this list but also the lives of countless individuals whose love warns at revolution, Angels Before Man tells the story of the greatest disobedience Heaven had to face: the creation of sin, born from the first love that turned a jealous god to rage. As ABM only released weeks ago, I sincerely hope it’s only the beginning for this book and author. Bible? Who needs her. The Word of God? I don’t even know her. I’ve got Angels Before Man. And so will my friends because I’m gifting them this heavenly-gem (heh, see what I did there?) for the holidays. 

Content Warnings: Courtesy of the author himself (list also included at start of book): Blasphemy, off-page sexual assault with related internal monologue post-incident, Self-harm, Atypical depiction of grooming, Animal death, Abuse (emotional, physical), Sexual content, Body horror, Graphic depictions of violence, Incestuous term use, Potential correlation to homosexuality being sinful, Depictions of mental instability

5. Siren Queen by Nghi Vo

Genres: Historical Fiction, Historical Fantasy, Magic Realism, Queer AF

Blurb: Of the 5 recs on the list, I have to be honest and say with full disclosure that this is my one cheat as I have not actually finished it yet. But as I can attest from the 60% progress I have made, along with two of my close friends who recommended her in the first place, Siren Queen is a breath of fresh air in a genre that is understandably stifling at times. Interweaving the monstrous industry of Hollywood with actual monsters, Siren Queen explores the sacrifices made and prices paid for the chance at stardom and just being seen, all while embracing the monster society demands of us. Largely character-driven, this book has been a slower read than the rest, but its commentary on workers’ rights and inequalities, among other social issues often at the forefront of WASPish-run Hollywood, has kept me engaged since the start. 

Content Warnings: racism, racial slurs, fatphobia, violence, family violence, homophobia, sexism, drug abuse, addiction.

[girlsbtrs]

Sinner Get Ready Album Review

Written by Peyton Lawrence. Graphic by Moira Ashley.  

Horror, love, and God all coexist in the decaying kingdoms of rolling fields and remote settlements of Appalachia. 

It’s been two years since Kristin Hayter released her album, CALIGULA, under the name Lingua Ignota. The rage-filled tracks used religious imagery and musical motifs such as ambient organ and choral tracks paired with piercing screams to examine the long term pain and trauma of abuse, betrayal, promise, mercy, and vengeance. God is “almost always interchangeable with the abuser or the lover.” The record feels claustrophobic and complex. The brutal anger in her music refuses to let itself be dampened or silenced by the expectation of an “appropriate” or “polite” response, and the end result is tremendous. We’re viewing divine rage sans the lens of propriety. 

Hayter’s music is characterized by haunting, echoing vocals and up until now, influences from noise and extreme metal. (It is important to note, however, that these are just influences, and Lingua Ignota really does transcend genre.) Many fans expected a continuation of the sound heard in CALIGULA, but with the release of the new album, the music has taken a more raw, intimate tone. It relies heavily on her powerful voice, piano tracks, traditional folk instruments, and carefully placed moments of disquieting silence. An audio clip professes in the first song, “Everything has a rhythm and a beat and the silence is one of the most soothing one.”

Despite the new album’s departure in sound, it still ties back into Lingua’s previous works. In fact, the album title, SINNER GET READY, comes directly from the lyrics of her 2018 song “All Bitches Die.” The artist stated “I wanted the listener to pay attention to the way the lyrics from these two worlds were interacting with each other, and what that meant.” She has also said that her three albums can be viewed as part of a trilogy, they are “all building on the same world, approaching different emotions using different means but still all in the same language.”

The album is filled with nuance, at first seeming like a tale of rural religious fanaticism and submission to an all-powerful, vengeful God. Upon closer listening, it reveals itself to be much less black and white and much more personal. Hayter was “was living the record as it happened,” and each song reflects the emotional state that she was experiencing as she wrote it. The album starts with declarations of power and calls for violence before winding through a fruitless search for God and culminating in a quiet acceptance of loneliness, all set against the backdrop of rural Pennsylvania. 

The album begins with “THE ORDER OF SPIRITUAL VIRGINS,” a track that sets the tone for the rest of the album, both thematically and musically. We hear the first choir-like layered vocals, dissonance, and most importantly, we hear the first references to eternal devotion, relentlessness, and the seed is planted for the fear associated with silence and solitude. The song is a tie to CALIGULA, bridging the gap between the electronic synths and the subverted traditional instruments, preparing the audience for what’s to follow.

Listening to “I WHO BEND THE TALL GRASSES” feels like listening to an enraged preacher leading a congregation as they plead with God for retribution. It is despairingly brutal and feels like a call home to the rage of “All Bitches Die” and CALIGULA, albeit in a different way. This rage feels like it’s bubbling beneath the surface, masked behind attempts of pacifying the higher power being addressed. The rage bares itself in both the words and the way they are sung in the lines, “I don't give a fuck, Just kill him, You have to, I'm not asking.” (Side note: the first time I heard the aforementioned lines, the impact was so physical that I actually had to go lay down for a while.) We also first encounter the symbol of fire in the lyric, “fiery arrows studded with stars,” a symbol that reappears time and again throughout the album. 

“PENNSYLVANIA FURNACE” references the Pennsylvania Dutch folktale of an ironworker who threw his dogs into a furnace in a fit of rage, only for them to return and drag him to hell. The artist released a statement on her instagram saying the song, “is about loneliness, absence, and the inevitability of God’s judgment.” The legend embodies the rural Pennsylvania landscape that inspired the album’s creation. Hayter moved to the area due to a relationship, and became transfixed with the isolation and rejection of modernity that many religious sects there prescribed to. Fire is juxtaposed as a cleansing, formative, and destructive force, and in the entirely self-produced music video, Hayter uses red smoke to represent both this “alchemizing force,” and the blood of Jesus, explored as an all-powerful agent of absolution in the track “PERPETUAL FLAME OF CENTRALIA.” 

“MAN IS LIKE A SPRING FLOWER” is desolate and hopeless. It compares the heart of man to an open gulch, a gate of hell, a fiery pit, and a burning barn upended. The music is hauntingly complex, with layers of banjo, mourning vocals, and building rhythms. It is the culmination of all of the previous tracks, a realization being made that can only mean one thing.

The final track of the record is a fitting conclusion to the journey taken. The song, “THE SOLITARY BRETHREN OF EPHRATA,” has the cadence of a hymn. It is the quiet contrast to the beginning songs, despairingly asking for forgiveness for the brash anger shown before. It accepts the inevitable home that must be found in loneliness and solitude, and the despair that accompanies that acceptance.

This record is devastating. The entire Lingua Ignota discography feels like being stepped on squarely in the chest. It manages to be both transcendent and have a physical presence, and it cannot be listened to passively. Every single choice was made intentionally, and every single choice carries such an impact that cannot accurately be described. There’s nothing that exists quite like this, and I sincerely doubt there ever will be again.

[kiarcheo]

It’s All Coming Back to Me Now    6/?

To read on  Ao3 click here  (if lately you had the same problem with links on Tumblr as me, try removing the https://href.li/? part from the URL)

You can read the previous parts on Tumblr click here

DISCLAIMER: In Plato’s words. I know that I know nothing. It doesn't stop me from writing. As always this is fiction and what I write is what suits the narrative I want.

Also I feel like there are a lot of expectations about this one…not sure I met them, but this is what I got.

                            --------------------------------------------

For all the scenarios Katherine had thought of, her song putting a halt to the musical writing process had not been one of them. She doesn’t notice at first. Cathy’s song is the next one and she just assumes she is taking her time with it. She knows how careful the writer is when choosing her words (picky, Anne had teased her while telling them how long it took Cathy to decide on what to write on Kat’s birthday card). So it takes Kat a while to realise that Cathy never brings up the musical anymore. None of them do.

Their reactions to the song had been...strong. They have all come to care deeply about the youngest queen (and each other in general) and hearing what she went through...Rage does not do justice to what they felt...among many other feelings.

Catalina’s legs had given away beneath her halfway the first verse, a strangled noise alerting Anna, who had lunged forward and had barely managed to catch her before she hit the ground.  Then Catalina had literally used her friend’s body to support herself and climb back to her feet. Anna had not minded, the contact grounding her. Even somehow knowing what to expect, it did not make listening to it any easier. So she had stood there, an arm loosely around Catalina’s shaking frame, ready to hold her up if need be.

As Katherine concluded her song, all you could hear in the control room were muffled sobs from all the queens. Until the girl stood up.

‘Get yourself together.’ Catalina had hoarsely growled. ‘It’s not about you.’

Cathy had not been sure if she had been talking to them or to herself. If she had to be honest, she had not expected such a visceral reaction from her. From Kat’s cousins, maybe, but not from Catalina. And not because she cared less or anything like that. Anyone spending some time with them could easily tell that Catalina loved Kat. Just…in a different way compared to Anne or Jane or even herself and Anna. Almost…maternal. Which makes sense if Cathy thinks about it. Catalina had been the only one of them who got to be a mother. And Kat was the youngest queen, in the past and also now that they came back, even if not by much (Cathy herself was just a few years older). But the first queen had always strived to maintain a certain degree of composure, even around them, while Anne and Jane had been more open with their emotions. For Catalina to let go, to let them see her so raw and exposed…

As soon as Kat had stepped into the room, Catalina had engulfed her in a tight hug. When Anne had tried to step in, she had immediately recoiled at the glare she had received. But after a while, with no sign of Catalina letting Kat go any time soon, Anne had given up on waiting for her turn, and just decided to try her luck and join the hug. With no protest forthcoming, it quickly became a group hug.  

They had made sure to make crystal clear to Kat their support and willingness to listen or do anything she might need them to do. But what resulted was also an unsaid agreement among them not to bring up the topic unless Kat did it first. Which included not bringing up the musical since her song is all about that and what started everything.

Everyone took it hard, but nobody took it harder than Catalina. She knew 13-year-old Katherine. She remembers 13-year-old Katherine as if it was yesterday. To know what happened to her. Because she left her. Before, she had thought her death had indirectly led to Katherine’s marriage and consequently her death. But now…To know that as soon as she left her, everything bad started to happen to the girl she considers a daughter...The nightmares, which had petered off, come back with a vengeance.

That’s the main reason it takes a while for Kat to realise she hasn’t really thought or talked about the musical since she presented her song: all her focus and energy are on Catalina. She is back at spending her nights at her side, after arguing that she would be awake in her room anyway, so at least they can be awake together. It takes its toll on their days too. Not just because they are tired from sleepless nights. The only reason Catalina can still face Katherine is that she knows how hurt she would be if she were to go back at avoiding looking at her like when she first arrived. Catalina’s guilt is overwhelming and colours every interaction.

They are both aware of how it is affecting their relationship and decide to take remedial actions before it becomes too much and ruins it permanently: they are going to therapy.

It is not the first time the topic comes up. It had been one of the suggestions on the online forums they had looked at when Catalina had decided that it was time to start to deal with what they deemed, for the sake of brevity, ‘the Mary issue’. They had found some support groups for families of offenders. Among the advice on how to come to terms with a loved one committing terrible crimes, a common one was therapy. Except that Catalina could not exactly talk about her daughter burning people at stake for religious dissent without A) breaking the NDA she signed about not revealing her true identity to the public B) likely being considered deranged. That’s also why she never attended any group in person, limiting herself to research, reading and self-help with Katherine’s support.

But now, that is not enough, and Catalina is willing to try anything to save their relationship (and she thinks Katherine might benefit from talking about her trauma, properly…and with a professional). They decide to ask their ‘handlers’ for recommendations, taking advantage of their help as long as they can before potentially pissing them off with their musical. Considering the NDAs they had signed, it is likely in their interest that they don’t go to a random therapist and spill the beans. Indeed, they get a handful of names of approved professionals who are used to work with people not always able to fully disclose their past, or even their present (they didn’t get details, but their guess is something like witness protection or law enforcement) and thus won’t question weird gaps and omissions in patients’ histories.

They do some research and choose a practice with multiple therapists, all women, with different specialisations. The first meeting is with a senior partner who will get the laydown and decide whom, among the associates, refer them to.

‘My name is Doctor Sonya Newton, I’m going to ask you some questions to assess the issues and decide the best way to move forward, okay?’ the doctor starts after the prospective patients sit down. ‘It is important that you are as truthful and open as you can. If you don’t wish to answer, say so and we’ll move on, but please don’t lie. Lying will only, at best, undermine our efforts and at worst hurt them...or you. You are free to leave at any point, to decide that you don’t wish to continue, to look for another practice, again – I can’t stress this enough – at any point. We are here to help you, and if it’s not working for you…well, what is the point then?’

She waits for a response, and only after she gets a pair of tense nods, she moves on. ‘Now that ground rules are done. Let’s start with the basics. Can you tell me your name and your relationship with each other?’

‘My name is Katherine and I’m her-’ she hesitates.

‘Daughter. She is my daughter and I’m Catalina, her mother.’

The doctor scribbles something down. She didn’t miss the hesitation in Katherine’s answer nor the glance she sent the older woman, but neither she missed the elated look when Catalina took over and replied.

‘Who did decide to come?’ It’s the following question.

‘We both did.’ This time is Katherine who answers for both, Catalina nodding in agreement.

‘That’s good. When both parties are willing to put in the work…the first step is half the journey.’ Sonya smiles at them. ‘What are you hoping to get from these sessions?’

‘There are some...issues that are affecting our relationship and we realised we needed help to deal with them properly.’

‘That’s also good. Recognising there is a problem is the first step and doing something about it is the best second one.’ Catalina’s reply gets another approving nod from the doctor. ‘What do you think those issues are?’

They share a look, a response not coming as quickly as the previous ones.

‘Let me ask a different question. What do you hope the other will get from this?’

‘I hope she’ll realise that what happened to me was not her fault. She literally could not do anything about it. She feels guilty for stuff that was completely out of her control. I’ve never blamed her, not then, not now, and I wish she could see it.’

Sonya hums. She had not expected Katherine to take the lead. It is shaping up to be an interesting and perhaps rather unusual dynamic.

‘What about you?’

‘I know she feels guilty for me feeling guilty.’ It’s basically a self-feeding circle. Catalina feels guilty for what happened to Kat leading to nightmares and her instinctively trying to distance herself from the girl. Kat feels guilty that Catalina is suffering again from nightmares because of her, despite it not being her fault, and she is hurt because of the distancing. Which leads Catalina to feel even more guilty because she is hurting her. ‘But actually, the thing I really want is...for her to feel confident and secure in my love. Stop living in fear of disappointing me, in fear I’ll leave her-’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know-’ Kat had not realised she knew. ‘I know you would not do that, I don’t want you to think that-’

‘I know. I got you back and I'm never letting you go. No matter what. There is nothing you could do that could make me love you any less. Especially not something that was not your fault. It just breaks my heart every time you look surprised at me being proud of you, or you second-guess calling yourself my daughter-’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it was hurting you, I-’ Katherine starts again.

‘That’s what I mean.’ Catalina interrupts her gently but addressing the doctor. Then she turns to Kat again. ‘You’re not responsible for my feelings. Just like you’re not responsible for my nightmares.’

‘I have some points I’d like you to elaborate a bit more on, if you don’t mind.’ Sonya says looking at her notes after waiting for some moments to be sure they don’t wish to say more on the matter. ‘But first. Do you agree with what the other said about you?’

She gets twin resigned sighs and nods.

‘Okay.’ She jots something down. ‘Now. You both referred to something that happened and you were not at fault for. Can you tell me what those things are?’

Catalina defers to Katherine with a look clearly saying ‘that’s your call’.

The girl swallows. ‘Sexual abuse.’

‘Child sexual abuse.’ Catalina growls.

The doctor looks down at her notepad. No matter how long you have been on the job and how much horrible stuff you hear, it never gets easier. She takes a moment to digest it, before moving on because she has a job to do. 'Do you blame yourself for that, Katherine?’

‘No. I know it was not my fault. I was a child and even later, I didn’t really have a choice.’

‘And you were still a child.’

‘Can I ask how old you were?’

‘It started when I was 13.’

The doctor nods. The girl looks in her early twenties at most, so that was not such a long time ago, especially if it went on for a while.

‘Do you feel or ever felt that your mother would think it was your fault?’

‘No. Not that. Just...that...she’d be…disappointed? Ashamed? Lots of people didn’t believe me, you know. Or thought I deserved what I got. Went looking for it.’ She gets lost in the memories for a few moments. ‘But I never thought she’d be one of them. But I also knew that it was not what she had hoped for me.’

‘Of course, it was not.’ Catalina almost spats out. ‘I would not wish that on my worst enemy, of course I would not wish that for my child.’

‘I always wanted to make her proud.’

‘You do.’

‘And I struggle to believe that. She is right.’ Katherine admits, referring to what Catalina listed as the main issue she hoped therapy would help her with. ‘It’s just that I’ve always looked up to her. I know she is not perfect. She doesn’t have to be. Not with me.’ She sends her a pointed look. ‘Look. I don’t know.’ Her tone is slightly defeated. ‘I’m generally quite confident in lots of things...but I just...feel like I don’t deserve her? After my mother died, she has been the only one who ever truly and genuinely loved me for myself without ulterior motives. Some days it’s just hard to believe that she did. Does. Since nobody else ever did.’

Catalina clears her throat. ‘I know four people who would argue about that...’

‘Until recently, I guess.’ Katherine corrects herself, a ghost of a smile appearing on her lips.

Sonya hums. ‘You mentioned your mother dying?’

‘I adopted her after we....reunited.’

‘That’s a lot to unpack.’ The doctor mumbles almost to herself as she keeps writing quickly on her notepad. ‘Am I correct in saying that you feel guilty about not stopping the abuse from happening?’

Catalina nods while Katherine mutters ���Literally impossible.’

‘Can you give me some background? How did you meet? What happened...’

‘After her mother died, she was in my care,’ they had gone over what they could share and what not. Saying that Kat was taking care of Catalina would be strange, but the opposite made more sense and was expected, and it could explain their bond just like the truth would. ‘Then I had to-’

‘Leave.’

Catalina swallows and nods. That’s a way to put it. But she is glad that Kat did it for her...and like that. Her death is still a difficult topic for her. At first it had been more about the circumstances in which she died, but now, knowing what happened after...it’s even worse.

Sonya raises an eyebrow, as if to let them know she is aware that they are not telling the full story, but she nonetheless motions for them to continue.

‘I was sent to stay with some relatives. That’s where it started.’

‘Did you choose to leave?’ The doctor addresses Catalina.

‘No! It was,’ she takes a breath, ‘circumstances beyond my control.’

Sonya nods. It is not uncommon to know something rationally but emotionally still feeling guilty. ‘What happened after? Things seem to be better now...’

‘We were...brought back together.’ They beam at each other. ‘I officially adopted her.’

‘The last years had been the best of my life.’

The doctor can’t help smiling at the obvious happiness and love they radiate while talking about each other being together again. ‘Is there a specific reason you have decided to seek counselling now or is it just...right time, circumstances, things coming to a head now...’ she wonders.

‘Up until recently I had not shared what happened. Like, she knew how it ended, they all did. But not everything that came before.’

‘That’s a very brave thing to do. Sharing is never easy. Especially if you have done so in the past and have not been believed. And considering your fear of losing her love.’ She adds since that’s specific to her case. ‘Also I commend you for reaching out and looking for help. Both of you. Often admitting that you need help is the hardest step.’

                                           ---------------------------------

Therapy now joins Spanish, writing and creating a musical, and adoption in the list of things I wrote about in this fic I know very little of.

[catsnuggler]

Not sure if - this is assuming cisheteropatriarchy and capitalism, necessarily intertwined, are finally overcome and vanquished in our lifetime, in time to save humanity, instead of either the liberals or the Nazis holding power until we all die from climate change - gender will continue to exist, but the cisheteropatriarchal aspects will wither away and die, leading simply to the disappearance of cisness and transness while gender and sexuality, freely chosen and never assigned again, live on; or if, in a world where gender and sexuality - by this I mean sexual identity, not sexual acts - are no longer foisted, they will simply disappear as future generations increasingly see them as irrelevant relics of bygone eras of bloodshed and oppression.

Either way, I happen to be a cishet guy, and only ever thought to question it when it was pointed out that, just in case I was wrong about that, it'd be a disservice not to. However... I had a good think about it, and, no, to the extent cisness exists, heterosexuality exists, maleness exists, that happens to be who I am. I have no illusions that... it's weird to say "my people", but I can't think of a better way to phrase it... that my people will exist forever. Frankly, I think 150 years from now, if anarchism, communism, and of the utmost, critical importance, decolonization, are successful, we'll have disappeared from the face of the earth, and the world will be the better for it.

In any case, I'm not going to have kids anytime soon, as I'm really behind in life in multiple ways - emotionally, financially, independence-wise, lack of personal vision and ambition - impossible for me to be a parent. Even after I surpass all that, I won't have kids until capitalism is burned from the face of the earth. Assuming I live to see that day, and am able, I probably will have kids, assuming I've got into a healthy, loving relationship with a woman I'm good enough for, who loves me just as much (seems hard to believe that will happen, I sometimes doubt any women are really attracted to men at all, due to personal trauma and experiences). If I do, who they are is up to them, and it is only up to me to love and nurture them, no matter what. They'll get gender-neutral names at birth, no conditioning leading them toward this or that preconceived notion of gender I was raised with, and I'll be very clear that their destiny is in their own hands, and their names are up for their own revision.

I look forward, with hope against countless daily examples of despair, to the possibility of helping raise a generation free from the bonds of capitalism, state tyranny, mormonism, cisheteropatriarchy, religious hatred, ableism, colonialism, slavery, xenophobia, etc. I want, more than I desire with a raging fire in my core to exact vengeance against those who have hurt myself and others, to finally express the love that we all deserve. To finally be able to give and nurture the way I haven't been able to all my life thus far. Not only to comfort others in the face of pain, but to wipe that pain from the earth, so that no one in future will know on a personal level what any of us have gone through, so they'll only know of it from historical records and word of mouth. To know security without guards, order without mandates, justice without punishment, safety without danger, freedom without some lousy sovereign saying only they can provide it. To have all through nothing, nothing but love. I hope I'll have that opportunity to redeem myself through my own absolution, to expunge myself without having to die, to clear my name not through being forgotten, nor by becoming important, but doing my part to uplift others, uplifting myself out of the pit I find myself in, in the process. To write my name, not in stone, but in hearts, hearts which will one day wither, but not without continuing their own legacy in the hearts of others. That would be enough for me. Worth more than any gold, in my eyes.

Pretty far off, though, it seems. But I hope my pessimism proves foolish and unfounded. I have too much pride, bristling at the slightest evidence of being wrong about something. That, however, I'd love to be wrong about.

[ghostmartyr]

top 5 villains

You know, the thing about villains, that I have learned through many years of skimming fandom, is that I am bizarrely short of villain stanning. I should have a long list of villains I like. And yet.

I like plenty of characters who are very much not good people, and very much antagonists. But it’s the chaos that’s essential, there. My favorite member of the villain squad is the nuisance who’s just hanging out enjoying being their worst self.

A top villain should be, like. Threatening. To be at the top, they should be adhering to their own agenda, and that agenda shouldn’t be the level of a side quest in the main story. The plot should turn on their ambition just as much as it does for the heroes.

Their reign should be both devastating and entertaining. Bring some style to it. It’s not about being an obstacle for the good guys, it’s about winning.

How many of the following truly check off all those marks is up for debate, but I think they’ve at least got the vibes.

Spoilers for each series the villain belongs to, and I will make sure to note said series in bold when it hits. Images blatantly stolen from wikis.

- - - - -

The Locked Tomb, specifically Gideon the Ninth

Cytherea Loveday

(No art for you, book person.)

She probably shouldn’t be on this list. Yes, that’s how we’re starting out. Not that she isn’t a villain, and not that she isn’t threatening, and --

Look. She’s on the list. More because I like her and she happens to be a villain than me liking her because she’s a villain, but as villains go, she is, as the kids say, a fave.

The living embodiment of, “I came out to attack people and I’m having such a good time right now.” She is the main villain of the first book, and she spends most of the time that we see her lounging in gardens and batting her eyes at her boss’ daughter. She basically treats her murder spree as a company-sponsored tropical vacation. She impersonates her first victim, puppets said first victim’s closest companion’s corpse around (yes the corpse is also her responsibility, and yes she may have stuffed FV’s corpse in around it what of it), kills children, kills a married couple enjoying their anniversary, doesn’t kill the main character because the main character is easy on the eyes (it is slightly more complicated than that but if you want a good story you can read the book), and even when she dies she’s getting something she wants.

(Neglected wants include murdering God.)

Essentially, she’s dreamy. Don’t @ me.

- - - - -

Madoka Magica: Rebellion

Kyubey

Specifying the movie and not picking Homura. I’m great at this.

The reason is actually very simple.

In the movie, Kyubey filled me with hatred. In the series, it’s more of a, ‘lol, you scamp, helping move the plot along’ annoyance at best. I don’t really mind the evil alien bunny ferret in the series. Obviously it’s a bit of a dick, but Kyubey feels like a product of the evil system more than actually being a villain.

Enter the movie.

Enter (irrational levels of?) rage.

Kyubey, in Madoka’s new world, operates with less gains than the witch system provided. The system still functions, but the Incubators could be more fulfilled by it, so it’s like -- ‘can has throne of madokami? kthx start the torture back up.’

Again, Kyubey is a product of the evil system. But the evil system that Madoka defeated. She won, and here Kyubey is, trying to start the game all over and break everything she fixed (arguably succeeding in the case of Homura). The injustice of it all made me actively angry at Kyubey in a way that I seldom experience towards fictional characters. The system was dead, and it had no business trying to come back. Kill it, kill it good, and don’t leave a body behind to bury, because fuck the system.

Then Homura’s treatment of Kyubey at the end disturbed me enough that I can’t actually stomach a manifestation of my dislike for our favorite alien cat marshmallow, but for the strength of reaction Kyubey inspired, we have our second spot on the list.

- - - - -

Rurouni Kenshin

Makoto Shishio

Obligatory mention that all the decent people in this series would punch their author in the face at bare minimum.

Shishio is probably the closest embodiment of the ideal villain talked out above the cut. He has goals. He has a life outside the hero. He’s initially only mildly interested in including the hero in that life. He’s out to rule the country and bathe the current government in blood, and doing it in style is a very cool side effect.

The guy’s set on fire by his own side because they’re terrified of his power. He is the nightmare created by people who put down a road to Hell brick by brick with their maybe good intentions. Along the way they meet a demon, and up until the threat of his power becomes too great, they happily embrace his skills.

Upon his recovery, all he’s really about is proving that they were right to be terrified, and they also should have done a better job with their murder, because guess who’s alive, bitch.

The strong live, and the weak die. Makoto Shishio is alive to remind the government that they are weak, and he will feed on them.

He has an army, he has followers, and he balances all of their motivations so that they are acting only in his favor. Hatred, admiration, or loyalty, it’s all a tool. He kills the woman he loves to win a fight, and she dies grateful for it.

Terrible person. Beautiful conviction. He dies without once faltering in his philosophy and power. He is a force.

Bonus points for being voiced by Steve Blum in the anime.

- - - - -

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)

Horde Prime

This is the part of the list where I start having a little bit of trouble. I mean. The first entry is also that, but Horde Prime is here because I looked at my standards and shouted into the void of my mental file cabinet, “is anyone in here like that?”

Horde Prime is here because he is scary as fuck. He’s a genocidal religious cult leader, and the cult members being clones of him does not mean he plans on being nice. He will put on a polite smile and sink his claws into your throat if you so much as think of being a creature beyond his might.

He is the epitome of a Saturday morning cartoon villain, but in the best way. He doesn’t have a positive motive outside of his own ego. He’s power-hungry and arrogant, and the entitlement oozes off him in any scene where he deigns to interact with people. He is a monster. A veneer of civility can be draped over it all if he’s in the mood, but the universe is his, and he will destroy as much of it as he pleases until it catches up and starts bowing down.

I want to have fun hating villains, and Horde Prime is delightful to hate.

He’s evil and has stage presence. Thank you, sir, your descent into Hell will be witnessed with great satisfaction.

Worth noting that his voice actor, Keston John, is a huge part of that stage presence, and does phenomenal work as his voice.

- - - - -

Rurouni Kenshin

Yukishiro Enishi

(Image not stolen from a wiki because somehow the vibes weren’t right from his page.)

Enishi would do so much more than punch his author in the face, because he’s an awful human being, but an awful human being with one very clear, obsessive stance.

Yes, I wrote Enishi’s name with the family name first and Shishio’s with the family name second. Yes, this is because Kenshin going “Makoto Shishio” in the anime dub is burned into my brain, and Enishi doesn’t have that going on. My list, my bad choices.

First, it must be said: COOLEST CHARACTER DESIGN OF THE LIST. FASHION GOALS. FITNESS GOALS. REALLY FUCKING COOL SWORD. REALLY FUCKING COOL FIGHTING STYLE. BADASS TRANSFORMATION THAT PROBABLY MAKES ANYONE WITH BASIC BIOLOGY UNDERSTANDINGS WINCE.

What a dick.

Here’s the deal.

Kenshin killed his sister.

Enishi will make Kenshin suffer.

Here is the nuance that Enishi can’t grasp until the end.

His sister loved Kenshin. Her death was a horrific accident, partially set up by both her and her brother attempting to arrange Kenshin’s death (one of them changed their mind).

For the hero of the story, Yukishiro Tomoe is a gaping, open wound across his face. It is his greatest failure. There is no part of him not aching with guilt and remorse over her death. There is only pain, and the reminder of it threatens to drown him.

For the villain of the story, there is only one response to that: Good.

It is not enough for Enishi that the man he hates dies. Enishi wants to rip Kenshin’s heart out of his chest and leave it beating in a field of salt and glass. He wants to destroy any shred of life Kenshin has found without his sister, and he wants Kenshin to know that all of this destruction is his fault.

What Enishi wants is the hero’s complete and utter annihilation. His soul deadened, and his suffering infinite.

Obsessive hate to the extent that Enishi feels is just... impressive as hell. His view of the world is black and white to the extreme, and he will make that our hero’s problem. He will not doubt himself except to wonder if keeping Kenshin alive to suffer is a misstep. Enishi is angry, traumatized, and quite often a fucking asshole whose emotional development ceased as a child. Where he was also a little jerk, but you could try to imagine a world where maybe he didn’t bite people if you wanted to be optimistic.

Then he watches Kenshin kill his sister, and proceeds to be the absolute worst in the name of his righteous vengeance. A bunch of people are seriously wounded, there is a large amount of property damage, and trauma is everywhere.

Here is peak Enishi:

Villains need to commit, you know?

Points for passion.

- - - - -

And that’s five? I count five. Awesome.

Sorry this took so long. I wasn’t sure how to go about a list, and then I didn’t want to just phone it in, since it’d already taken forever. Thanks very much for the ask, though! Hopefully this serves as an entertaining response.

[this-blue-star]

Kingdom of the Malcontent

Kingdom of the Malcontent began a couple years ago amoung a few folks who found themselves not okay and perpetually angry about the state of the world. One of those folks is my friend Joey Mleczko. He decided recently to get a few t-shirts made and the response has been awesome. I'm so glad! Grrrr! Following Joey’s lead, folks are posting pictures of themselves in the shirt and sharing what Kingdom of the Malcontent means to them. 

From the beginning of my friendship with Joey, we have found a common bond in our own relationships with our anger. He has been incredibly validating and celebratory of my anger, which is not usually understood or welcome in the world. Kingdom of the Malcontent first rolled out the red carpet for me and my rage at a conference that focused on toxic masculinity called "What Makes A Man" where I first met Joey. It was my second year attending this conference and gloriously, not my first rodeo in relishing the immense relief I felt in being encouraged to be angry *with and at men* about how messed up patriarchy is.

The first time I noticed how gendered anger is, I was in my early 20s. I was studying Comedy writing and performance in college and I had to learn how to do Stand Up. I found that the only way I could access my personality, humour and relate to the audience was to try to emulate some of my male heroes such as Lewis Black, Dennis Leary, Dane Cook and George Carlin. I soon and very quickly discovered that women weren't supposed to behave like that. Angry women with microphones no matter how funny what they’re saying actually is, aren’t funny. They’re confusing, unsettling and "Sweety, you look much prettier when you're smiling. Have you tried jokes about dating, cats and your period?"

The roots of my rage run deep, to a cellular level. It wasn't until I learned the science behind intergenerational trauma within Indigenous communities, that I finally began to accept that the rage I feel in my bones is not only justified, but necessary. If want to heal myself, my family and work toward healing in my community, I need to not only feel this rage, but express it and use it constructively.

This wisdom didn't just come quite as easy as it is to intellectualize. I’ve had to process my whole life, it took hard, hard work to unpack it all and learn how to interrupt this anger from turning inward on myself or harming others. I have survived severe bullying/abuse at school as a kid, the fallout of that through a dangerously messy teenage rebellion, navigating the world as a non-visible indigenous person and being mostly a closeted queer for many years. I am profoundly grateful that my anger has helped me survive. It is the underlying spark that drives me to continually make the choice to take responsibility for not allowing myself to self destruct and sabotage from being contained by my mental health challenges. Reconciling my past, the emotional/narcissistic abuse I have experienced and the vicarious trauma from my Social Work career requires engaging my rage and using it as fuel to heal. Anger can be a power tool for transcendence and transformation when harnessed, processed and expressed in a healthy, mindful way.

I’m not a religious person at all…but I’ve always liked this biblical quote used in the film “Pulp Fiction”, furiously delivered by Samuel L. Jackson:  

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

#kingdomofthemalcontent has been a place of comradery. I wear my shirt proudly. There is good company here.